Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 1, Episode 24 - The End? - full transcript
Stacey goes on a failed date and expects Ned to bail her out. Stacey believes that there are no good men left while Ned believes that he could find Stacey a better man than she ever could. They make a bet and decide to set each other up on a blind date to see who's right. Ned appears to have won the bet when he sets Stacey up with his friend Alex. Ned continues to be unhappy about the time Stacey and Alex have been spending together due to Stacey missing a few key appearances. Ned brings his work colleagues and boss home and they end up walking in on Stacey and Alex. Ned is fed up and is happy to let Stacey end their agreement early while he is determined to give Stacey her belongings and send her packing.
And some of those TV commercials
are just crazy, ya know?
Like those ads for Charmin
toilet paper? Seen those?
Yeah. Mm-hm.
They have a picture
of a baby on the package.
Does that make sense?
Babies are, like,
the one segment
of the population that has...
no use for toilet paper.
You don't think that's funny?
Oh, no, no. It's
funny, funny stuff.
But, you know, I think I might
have heard you tell that joke
when I saw your act at the club.
It killed, didn't it?
Nick, you know, when
you asked me out,
I thought maybe we would
go to dinner, and just... talk.
Oh, sure, I like
to... talk... on a date.
Although usually
I wind up saying,
"Oh, what a nice Taser.
Is that case leather?"
Ned!
Hey, hey!
Oh, my gosh. What a horrible,
awkward situation.
Nick, this man is... my husband.
I... I thought I might
wanna have an affair, but...
Ned,
I realize that cheating on you
is just, so very wrong.
Hey, don't be silly, darling.
Fact is, I just came
from cheatin' on you.
Grab a quick beer,
go cheat on you again.
Huh?
Good seeing ya, huh?
- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?
It was business.
Strictly business.
Here's the deal.
To get the promotion,
I needed the wife.
See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So, what the hell, we
up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common?
We irritate each other. Right.
Enjoy the show.
And the Lord doesn't care
if you have money and jewels,
only that you are not
impoverished of spirit...
Oh, yeah, baby, do it to me.
He is our shepherd,
we are his flock...
Oh, come on...
That's the... The same guy.
Thanks for nothing, Ned.
Well, there's plenty more
where that came from.
Would it have been so
hard for you to help me out?
All you had to do was
break down and sob,
or beat him to a pulp.
Five minutes of your time.
Hey, Stacey, that would
set a dangerous precedent.
Huh?
I bail you out of
one disastrous date,
then I have to bail
you out of another,
and another, and another.
Then I gotta quit my job.
Oh, stop it!
Then I'm on the street.
You make it sound
like I only date losers.
You? No.
By the way, Michael
Dukakis called.
Well, at least my dates
don't come with warning labels
from the Surgeon
General's office.
Oh, don't you even attempt
to parry and thrust with me
about the women that I
choose to socialize with.
Oh, understandably, they
may not have Stacey Dorsey's
fancy college education.
They may not read... write...
But at least they...
Put out?
Damn it, no!
Damn it, yes!
Well, at least I have
a legitimate excuse
for not being in a
good relationship.
Oh, yeah?
And, uh, what has your therapist
convinced you that reason is?
It's simple.
There are no decent,
single men in the city.
Oh, please.
It's true. They're
not out there.
There are millions of
wonderful single women, like me,
but no men at all.
Stacey, I could throw a
loaded bong in a mosh pit
and hit a better guy
than you pick out.
Oh, yeah?
I'll bet you fifty bucks I
can find you a better woman
than you can find for me.
A man, I mean, for me.
If you had fifty bucks,
the MasterCard people
would be at the front
door with a battering ram.
What's the matter?
Scared?
♪ You little scaredy-man? ♪
♪ You know you are ♪
♪ You little scaredy
boy Ha-ha-ha-ha ♪
And you can't find a good man.
So are we on?
Oh, we're on, darlin'. Okay.
This Saturday night, we
pick out dates for each other.
Oh, but you have to promise
to try to find someone good.
Ha. I will leave
no stone unturned.
And now, America's Most Wanted.
Ha-ha.
It's gonna be
easier than I thought.
Hi! Hi, hi!
Stacey, what the
hell is going on?
Oh, nothing much.
Why did you page me?
I just wanted to see you guys.
No, no. Your message
was, "Meet me at Dugan's.
A matter of life or death."
Wow, look how it just comes
up on the screen like that.
Stacey!
We were in the middle
of trying to conceive.
Eric, honey. Just
take a step back.
Well, let's go. She's fine.
No, no, no, no,
no. You can't go.
Ned and I set each other
up on blind dates tonight.
Mine's gonna be
here in, like, a second,
and I just thought if
he's really horrible,
at least I'll have
you guys with me.
Oh, God.
Look, let's just stay
till the guy comes.
He's probably gonna be a loser,
and then we're gonna be
stuck here all night long.
Well, maybe not.
She didn't pick this one.
Stoli, rocks.
A glass of chardonnay.
Just dump a glass
of ice water in my lap.
That'll be fine.
Stacey?
Yes?
Alex?
Yes, hello.
Hi. How did...
How did you know it was me?
Well, Ned told me to look
for a beautiful redhead, so...
I did.
Really?
I mean, thank you.
So can I sit?
Oh, oh, yes, of course!
Please sit.
Uh, Alex, this is my
sister and brother-in-law.
Amanda and Eric Moyer.
Nice to meet you, Alex.
Hey, hey, how ya doin'?
Hi. Nice to meet you.
So, Alex, what do you do?
Okay, résumé
time. Well, let's see.
Used to work down on Wall
Street as a commodity trader.
Made a lot of
money, but I hated it.
Such a pointless grind,
so a few years ago, I quit.
Now I teach high school
and run youth programs
down in Bed-Stuy.
Okay. You can go.
Outta here!
Coming!
I should just date me.
Frances?
Yes. Hello.
Hi, Ned Dorsey.
Good to see ya. How are ya?
Can I take your coat?
All right.
All right. Good, good.
Uh, you know, Stacey
didn't tell me much about you
other than you worked at
the big library downtown.
Are the books big too?
I took a bit of a
chance. Got us tickets
for the philharmonic
this evening.
Huh?
We've got about an hour, though.
I thought we'd enjoy
a glass of chardonnay,
some hors d'oeuvres.
Homemade, I might add. Huh?
How's that sound to ya?
It...
It sounds...
Listen, Frances, the
whole blind-date process
can be, you know, a little
awkward at times.
I've been hurt so much!
Please don't hurt me too!
It's not you I intend to hurt.
Well, when I was
researching that article,
it just broke my heart to see
what those kids were up against.
I know.
It gets depressing
as hell sometimes.
How do you do it, day after day?
Well, every once in a
while, there's one kid
who sits in the back,
that I think hasn't
been listening.
And all of a sudden, he'll raise
his hand with the right answer,
or the wrong answer.
It doesn't matter.
It's... something.
Hmm. That's great.
Is it just me,
or... has this been a
pretty good blind date?
Think so?
Don't you?
Yeah, but
I was worried
that it was just me.
Well, stop worrying.
I feel much better now.
Ha.
Was I in the bathroom very long?
Ah, well, you know,
this time it was...
right at three hours.
Sorry I made you
miss the philharmonic.
Oh, I went.
Ned, I don't know what
came over me tonight.
You've been so sweet
and understanding.
Really. Thank you.
Oh, you're... You're
very welcome, Frances.
Ha! Would you look at the time.
It just seems like moments ago
I was trying to wrestle
the letter opener
outta your hand.
Ooh, well, ah, so,
you about ready
to call it an evening?
You want me to leave?
Well, I... You
know, it's 2 a.m.,
and I have to get up early.
How did your love
turn to hate so quickly?
Forgot to wrap it in foil.
Okay.
So can I get you a cab?
No!
Is that a firm no?
Oh, thanks for the ride, honey.
I hope you're not
gonna be late for work.
Well, even if I am,
it'll be worth it.
Mmmm.
Oh, you're here. Hi, Ned.
Good morning. Hey, Ned.
Listen, I'm sorry
about canceling
our last couple of
racquetball games.
I'll call you and we'll
set something up, okay?
Whatever.
Oh, shoot, I gotta go.
Bye, honey, I'll see you Friday.
Mm-hm.
Bye.
Bye.
Wow. Ned, he is the best.
Glad you like him.
You know, uh...
last night...
We said the "L" word.
What a coincidence.
Last night, I said the
"F" word several times.
Oh, come on, don't be like that.
Are you still upset
about Frances?
Actually, things are looking up.
She's, uh, started
sending me gifts, huh?
Ol' Ned doll.
Noose, ice pick and
exploding attaché
sold separately.
She seemed really nice
at the reference desk.
Yeah, but Stacey, that's
not really the reason
that I'm upset right now.
Then why?
Well, it would seem that a
certain young ad executive
was wifeless last night
at a party for the president
of the Family Goodness
Food Company.
Oh, God!
Stacey, I told you
about that a week ago!
I know.
I'm sorry. I was with
Alex. I totally forgot.
Oh. And you
totally forgot brunch
last Sunday at Pat
Kirkland's house.
Look, Ned, I'm really sorry.
I've been with Alex so
much, I've lost track...
I know, I know, I know.
It's Alex. It's Alex.
And I understand.
If your new social itinerary
with the man that you love
is getting in the way of
our marital arrangement,
you know, we can end this.
Ned, I said I was sorry.
All we need is a lawyer,
a rabbi and a locksmith,
and I'll have you
outta here by noon.
Huh? How's that sound to ya?
Ned, what is going on?
Why... Why are you so upset?
Whatever. Just forget it.
Look, you'll have a chance
to redeem yourself
this Sunday night.
I'm gonna have dinner
with the president
of the Family Goodness
Food Company.
This Sunday?
Yes.
Alex and I are going
skiing this weekend...
Stacey.
But I'll be back
in time, I promise.
Thank you.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have a restraining
order to file.
Boy, Wings is a zany show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know,
Ned, we've been here
for quite a while and...
The thing of it is, we...
We're leaving.
Wait. You guys just got here.
Well, no, Ned.
Actually we've been here
about nine and a half hours,
and I'm not staying for
Welcome Back, Kotter.
Rico, you wanna sleep over?
We can make s'mores
and braid each other's hair.
Can I?
Not without a chaperone.
Right, you know,
Ned, I'll see ya.
Look, Stacey'll be back
from her ski trip tomorrow.
Yeah, don't you have any
other friends you can call?
Oh, I suppose I
could call Frances.
Haven't yet thanked her
for the box of dead squirrels.
That's a good idea.
We'll see ya, Ned.
Yeah. Take it easy, huh?
I'll see you guys.
Bye-bye.
Night.
Oh, Stacey.
Oh, no. We're really back.
Let's just turn around
and go back up
to the mountains
and live in that cabin.
Keep movin', babe.
We're back. Keep movin'.
So, what time do you have?
It's almost 5.
It's still early. You wanna
see a movie or something?
No, I can't.
I have to go to
one of those stupid
fake-wife things with Ned later.
Families who want
good food or something.
Well, I have some
papers to grade, anyway.
Call me later?
Um, maybe.
Bye.
Mmm.
Oh, wait till you
meet Ned's wife.
This man really
snagged a winner.
Well, I've heard
nothing but good things.
Oh, Stacey's a
doll. You'll love her.
Where was she today, by the way?
Uh, spending the day
with her parents.
A little quality time,
helping them
reorganize their pantry.
God love her, huh?
So we'll just grab
little ol' Stacey,
head out to dinner.
How's that sound to ya?
Absolutely wonderful.
Sounds great, Ned.
Oh, hello. Well,
good evening, ladies.
They're fraternal twins.
They occasionally get
together to re-enact their birth.
Um, perhaps we
should go, Katherine.
Gee, you think?
God.
I'm so sorry, Ned.
Ned, these things happen.
Now, the only thing
that is important to me
is that you and
Stacey work things out.
And I am behind you all the way.
Ken, we can put another man
on your account, you know.
Did... Did they...
Did they leave?
Yeah. Somehow,
they felt overdressed.
Ned, Alex and I fell asleep.
I had no idea what time
it was. I am so, so sorry.
Oh, good, Stacey. I'm
so happy to hear that.
That you feel sorry,
because that's the main thing.
It'll just solve
all my problems.
The fact that you're sorry!
Hey, Ned, this is my fault.
Butt out, gigolo!
Alex, Alex, why don't you go.
I can handle this, okay?
I don't think that's
such a good idea.
Why isn't it a good idea?
She's only your girlfriend.
After all, she's my wife.
She lives in my house,
and she's ruining my life!
That means I win three to
one, so hit the road, butchie!
She's not really your wife, Ned.
And she doesn't love you.
She loves me.
Don't you ever call me
to play racquetball again.
Look, Alex, you should go.
I-I-I'll just talk to him, okay?
Okay, I'll be at
home if you need me.
Don't worry. He just needs
to let off some steam, okay?
Bye. Talk to you later.
Oh, my God.
Ned!
What are you... What...
What are you doing?!
I am moving you out.
Leave my stuff alone!
Hey! This is neater
than you pack.
Where's your boyfriend?
He left, okay?
Well, go after
him. Can't you see?
This is your freedom!
I'm willing to let you out
of the marital
agreement a year early.
Now you can go
and be with the man
that you love, Stacey!
Rejoice! Sing! Dance!
Be happy! Learn the banjo!
But most importantly, get out!
No! I will not be thrown out!
I pay rent here, too, and I'll
leave when I wanna leave!
Okay. Maybe you're right.
Maybe I'm being stupid.
Do you wanna stay and
try to work things out?
Yes, I do.
Well, you can't! Ha-ha!
Get out!
Hey, all right, look.
Okay. You are insane right now,
so I'm gonna spend the night
at Alex's until you calm down.
I am never going to calm down.
So just take your stuff
and get the hell outta here!
No!
Ha... ha... ha...
Ha-ha-ha!
Oh, uh...
Evening, Mrs. Porter. Hello.
Take your stuff!
I'm not taking it.
Well... Ah... ah...
Hey.
I have to get to my apartment.
I'm expecting a phone
call from my doctor.
Ah. Ah.
Thank you, Mr. Dorsey.
You're welcome.
Ned.
Stacey.
Now get out!
Hey. Oh.
I have to get to my apartment.
I'm expecting a phone
call from my doctor.
Oh! Oh wha... Mrs. Porter,
they've waxed the stairs again!
Oh, Lord!
Mrs. Porter?
Hey.
Well, you know what?
It looked like you could
probably use a new hip.
I'm buyin'!
are just crazy, ya know?
Like those ads for Charmin
toilet paper? Seen those?
Yeah. Mm-hm.
They have a picture
of a baby on the package.
Does that make sense?
Babies are, like,
the one segment
of the population that has...
no use for toilet paper.
You don't think that's funny?
Oh, no, no. It's
funny, funny stuff.
But, you know, I think I might
have heard you tell that joke
when I saw your act at the club.
It killed, didn't it?
Nick, you know, when
you asked me out,
I thought maybe we would
go to dinner, and just... talk.
Oh, sure, I like
to... talk... on a date.
Although usually
I wind up saying,
"Oh, what a nice Taser.
Is that case leather?"
Ned!
Hey, hey!
Oh, my gosh. What a horrible,
awkward situation.
Nick, this man is... my husband.
I... I thought I might
wanna have an affair, but...
Ned,
I realize that cheating on you
is just, so very wrong.
Hey, don't be silly, darling.
Fact is, I just came
from cheatin' on you.
Grab a quick beer,
go cheat on you again.
Huh?
Good seeing ya, huh?
- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?
It was business.
Strictly business.
Here's the deal.
To get the promotion,
I needed the wife.
See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So, what the hell, we
up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common?
We irritate each other. Right.
Enjoy the show.
And the Lord doesn't care
if you have money and jewels,
only that you are not
impoverished of spirit...
Oh, yeah, baby, do it to me.
He is our shepherd,
we are his flock...
Oh, come on...
That's the... The same guy.
Thanks for nothing, Ned.
Well, there's plenty more
where that came from.
Would it have been so
hard for you to help me out?
All you had to do was
break down and sob,
or beat him to a pulp.
Five minutes of your time.
Hey, Stacey, that would
set a dangerous precedent.
Huh?
I bail you out of
one disastrous date,
then I have to bail
you out of another,
and another, and another.
Then I gotta quit my job.
Oh, stop it!
Then I'm on the street.
You make it sound
like I only date losers.
You? No.
By the way, Michael
Dukakis called.
Well, at least my dates
don't come with warning labels
from the Surgeon
General's office.
Oh, don't you even attempt
to parry and thrust with me
about the women that I
choose to socialize with.
Oh, understandably, they
may not have Stacey Dorsey's
fancy college education.
They may not read... write...
But at least they...
Put out?
Damn it, no!
Damn it, yes!
Well, at least I have
a legitimate excuse
for not being in a
good relationship.
Oh, yeah?
And, uh, what has your therapist
convinced you that reason is?
It's simple.
There are no decent,
single men in the city.
Oh, please.
It's true. They're
not out there.
There are millions of
wonderful single women, like me,
but no men at all.
Stacey, I could throw a
loaded bong in a mosh pit
and hit a better guy
than you pick out.
Oh, yeah?
I'll bet you fifty bucks I
can find you a better woman
than you can find for me.
A man, I mean, for me.
If you had fifty bucks,
the MasterCard people
would be at the front
door with a battering ram.
What's the matter?
Scared?
♪ You little scaredy-man? ♪
♪ You know you are ♪
♪ You little scaredy
boy Ha-ha-ha-ha ♪
And you can't find a good man.
So are we on?
Oh, we're on, darlin'. Okay.
This Saturday night, we
pick out dates for each other.
Oh, but you have to promise
to try to find someone good.
Ha. I will leave
no stone unturned.
And now, America's Most Wanted.
Ha-ha.
It's gonna be
easier than I thought.
Hi! Hi, hi!
Stacey, what the
hell is going on?
Oh, nothing much.
Why did you page me?
I just wanted to see you guys.
No, no. Your message
was, "Meet me at Dugan's.
A matter of life or death."
Wow, look how it just comes
up on the screen like that.
Stacey!
We were in the middle
of trying to conceive.
Eric, honey. Just
take a step back.
Well, let's go. She's fine.
No, no, no, no,
no. You can't go.
Ned and I set each other
up on blind dates tonight.
Mine's gonna be
here in, like, a second,
and I just thought if
he's really horrible,
at least I'll have
you guys with me.
Oh, God.
Look, let's just stay
till the guy comes.
He's probably gonna be a loser,
and then we're gonna be
stuck here all night long.
Well, maybe not.
She didn't pick this one.
Stoli, rocks.
A glass of chardonnay.
Just dump a glass
of ice water in my lap.
That'll be fine.
Stacey?
Yes?
Alex?
Yes, hello.
Hi. How did...
How did you know it was me?
Well, Ned told me to look
for a beautiful redhead, so...
I did.
Really?
I mean, thank you.
So can I sit?
Oh, oh, yes, of course!
Please sit.
Uh, Alex, this is my
sister and brother-in-law.
Amanda and Eric Moyer.
Nice to meet you, Alex.
Hey, hey, how ya doin'?
Hi. Nice to meet you.
So, Alex, what do you do?
Okay, résumé
time. Well, let's see.
Used to work down on Wall
Street as a commodity trader.
Made a lot of
money, but I hated it.
Such a pointless grind,
so a few years ago, I quit.
Now I teach high school
and run youth programs
down in Bed-Stuy.
Okay. You can go.
Outta here!
Coming!
I should just date me.
Frances?
Yes. Hello.
Hi, Ned Dorsey.
Good to see ya. How are ya?
Can I take your coat?
All right.
All right. Good, good.
Uh, you know, Stacey
didn't tell me much about you
other than you worked at
the big library downtown.
Are the books big too?
I took a bit of a
chance. Got us tickets
for the philharmonic
this evening.
Huh?
We've got about an hour, though.
I thought we'd enjoy
a glass of chardonnay,
some hors d'oeuvres.
Homemade, I might add. Huh?
How's that sound to ya?
It...
It sounds...
Listen, Frances, the
whole blind-date process
can be, you know, a little
awkward at times.
I've been hurt so much!
Please don't hurt me too!
It's not you I intend to hurt.
Well, when I was
researching that article,
it just broke my heart to see
what those kids were up against.
I know.
It gets depressing
as hell sometimes.
How do you do it, day after day?
Well, every once in a
while, there's one kid
who sits in the back,
that I think hasn't
been listening.
And all of a sudden, he'll raise
his hand with the right answer,
or the wrong answer.
It doesn't matter.
It's... something.
Hmm. That's great.
Is it just me,
or... has this been a
pretty good blind date?
Think so?
Don't you?
Yeah, but
I was worried
that it was just me.
Well, stop worrying.
I feel much better now.
Ha.
Was I in the bathroom very long?
Ah, well, you know,
this time it was...
right at three hours.
Sorry I made you
miss the philharmonic.
Oh, I went.
Ned, I don't know what
came over me tonight.
You've been so sweet
and understanding.
Really. Thank you.
Oh, you're... You're
very welcome, Frances.
Ha! Would you look at the time.
It just seems like moments ago
I was trying to wrestle
the letter opener
outta your hand.
Ooh, well, ah, so,
you about ready
to call it an evening?
You want me to leave?
Well, I... You
know, it's 2 a.m.,
and I have to get up early.
How did your love
turn to hate so quickly?
Forgot to wrap it in foil.
Okay.
So can I get you a cab?
No!
Is that a firm no?
Oh, thanks for the ride, honey.
I hope you're not
gonna be late for work.
Well, even if I am,
it'll be worth it.
Mmmm.
Oh, you're here. Hi, Ned.
Good morning. Hey, Ned.
Listen, I'm sorry
about canceling
our last couple of
racquetball games.
I'll call you and we'll
set something up, okay?
Whatever.
Oh, shoot, I gotta go.
Bye, honey, I'll see you Friday.
Mm-hm.
Bye.
Bye.
Wow. Ned, he is the best.
Glad you like him.
You know, uh...
last night...
We said the "L" word.
What a coincidence.
Last night, I said the
"F" word several times.
Oh, come on, don't be like that.
Are you still upset
about Frances?
Actually, things are looking up.
She's, uh, started
sending me gifts, huh?
Ol' Ned doll.
Noose, ice pick and
exploding attaché
sold separately.
She seemed really nice
at the reference desk.
Yeah, but Stacey, that's
not really the reason
that I'm upset right now.
Then why?
Well, it would seem that a
certain young ad executive
was wifeless last night
at a party for the president
of the Family Goodness
Food Company.
Oh, God!
Stacey, I told you
about that a week ago!
I know.
I'm sorry. I was with
Alex. I totally forgot.
Oh. And you
totally forgot brunch
last Sunday at Pat
Kirkland's house.
Look, Ned, I'm really sorry.
I've been with Alex so
much, I've lost track...
I know, I know, I know.
It's Alex. It's Alex.
And I understand.
If your new social itinerary
with the man that you love
is getting in the way of
our marital arrangement,
you know, we can end this.
Ned, I said I was sorry.
All we need is a lawyer,
a rabbi and a locksmith,
and I'll have you
outta here by noon.
Huh? How's that sound to ya?
Ned, what is going on?
Why... Why are you so upset?
Whatever. Just forget it.
Look, you'll have a chance
to redeem yourself
this Sunday night.
I'm gonna have dinner
with the president
of the Family Goodness
Food Company.
This Sunday?
Yes.
Alex and I are going
skiing this weekend...
Stacey.
But I'll be back
in time, I promise.
Thank you.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have a restraining
order to file.
Boy, Wings is a zany show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know,
Ned, we've been here
for quite a while and...
The thing of it is, we...
We're leaving.
Wait. You guys just got here.
Well, no, Ned.
Actually we've been here
about nine and a half hours,
and I'm not staying for
Welcome Back, Kotter.
Rico, you wanna sleep over?
We can make s'mores
and braid each other's hair.
Can I?
Not without a chaperone.
Right, you know,
Ned, I'll see ya.
Look, Stacey'll be back
from her ski trip tomorrow.
Yeah, don't you have any
other friends you can call?
Oh, I suppose I
could call Frances.
Haven't yet thanked her
for the box of dead squirrels.
That's a good idea.
We'll see ya, Ned.
Yeah. Take it easy, huh?
I'll see you guys.
Bye-bye.
Night.
Oh, Stacey.
Oh, no. We're really back.
Let's just turn around
and go back up
to the mountains
and live in that cabin.
Keep movin', babe.
We're back. Keep movin'.
So, what time do you have?
It's almost 5.
It's still early. You wanna
see a movie or something?
No, I can't.
I have to go to
one of those stupid
fake-wife things with Ned later.
Families who want
good food or something.
Well, I have some
papers to grade, anyway.
Call me later?
Um, maybe.
Bye.
Mmm.
Oh, wait till you
meet Ned's wife.
This man really
snagged a winner.
Well, I've heard
nothing but good things.
Oh, Stacey's a
doll. You'll love her.
Where was she today, by the way?
Uh, spending the day
with her parents.
A little quality time,
helping them
reorganize their pantry.
God love her, huh?
So we'll just grab
little ol' Stacey,
head out to dinner.
How's that sound to ya?
Absolutely wonderful.
Sounds great, Ned.
Oh, hello. Well,
good evening, ladies.
They're fraternal twins.
They occasionally get
together to re-enact their birth.
Um, perhaps we
should go, Katherine.
Gee, you think?
God.
I'm so sorry, Ned.
Ned, these things happen.
Now, the only thing
that is important to me
is that you and
Stacey work things out.
And I am behind you all the way.
Ken, we can put another man
on your account, you know.
Did... Did they...
Did they leave?
Yeah. Somehow,
they felt overdressed.
Ned, Alex and I fell asleep.
I had no idea what time
it was. I am so, so sorry.
Oh, good, Stacey. I'm
so happy to hear that.
That you feel sorry,
because that's the main thing.
It'll just solve
all my problems.
The fact that you're sorry!
Hey, Ned, this is my fault.
Butt out, gigolo!
Alex, Alex, why don't you go.
I can handle this, okay?
I don't think that's
such a good idea.
Why isn't it a good idea?
She's only your girlfriend.
After all, she's my wife.
She lives in my house,
and she's ruining my life!
That means I win three to
one, so hit the road, butchie!
She's not really your wife, Ned.
And she doesn't love you.
She loves me.
Don't you ever call me
to play racquetball again.
Look, Alex, you should go.
I-I-I'll just talk to him, okay?
Okay, I'll be at
home if you need me.
Don't worry. He just needs
to let off some steam, okay?
Bye. Talk to you later.
Oh, my God.
Ned!
What are you... What...
What are you doing?!
I am moving you out.
Leave my stuff alone!
Hey! This is neater
than you pack.
Where's your boyfriend?
He left, okay?
Well, go after
him. Can't you see?
This is your freedom!
I'm willing to let you out
of the marital
agreement a year early.
Now you can go
and be with the man
that you love, Stacey!
Rejoice! Sing! Dance!
Be happy! Learn the banjo!
But most importantly, get out!
No! I will not be thrown out!
I pay rent here, too, and I'll
leave when I wanna leave!
Okay. Maybe you're right.
Maybe I'm being stupid.
Do you wanna stay and
try to work things out?
Yes, I do.
Well, you can't! Ha-ha!
Get out!
Hey, all right, look.
Okay. You are insane right now,
so I'm gonna spend the night
at Alex's until you calm down.
I am never going to calm down.
So just take your stuff
and get the hell outta here!
No!
Ha... ha... ha...
Ha-ha-ha!
Oh, uh...
Evening, Mrs. Porter. Hello.
Take your stuff!
I'm not taking it.
Well... Ah... ah...
Hey.
I have to get to my apartment.
I'm expecting a phone
call from my doctor.
Ah. Ah.
Thank you, Mr. Dorsey.
You're welcome.
Ned.
Stacey.
Now get out!
Hey. Oh.
I have to get to my apartment.
I'm expecting a phone
call from my doctor.
Oh! Oh wha... Mrs. Porter,
they've waxed the stairs again!
Oh, Lord!
Mrs. Porter?
Hey.
Well, you know what?
It looked like you could
probably use a new hip.
I'm buyin'!