Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 1, Episode 23 - You Bet Your Wife - full transcript

- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?

It was business.
Strictly business.

Here's the deal.

To get the promotion,
I needed the wife.

See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.

So, what the hell, we
up and got married.

The only thing we
have in common?

We irritate each other. Right.

Enjoy the show.

Rico, Rico, Rico,

what are you doing?



I'm setting up the poker
table like you told me.

Like I told you?
I don't think so.

I think what I said was,
the coasters go to the right,

napkins to the left.

The guys like it the
other way around.

And I think I also requested
the Snack Size Milky Way,

and yet I appear to be looki"
at the Fun Size Milky Way.

Okay, fine. You don't
like the job I'm doing

with refreshments, then I'll
go right back to decorations.

Oh, those two are an Oprah
show waiting to happen.

Ooh, Amanda, you wanna see
the new Demi Moore picture?

It's playing right here
at the Loew's Quad.

Sure.

What is with this Demi crap?



I don't tell people
to call me Aman-da.

Okay, come on. Shoo, girls.

Poker game starts in 10 minutes,

and unless you wanna
be feedin' us grapes

from behind veils,
you gotta get movin'.

Either way, uh,

for you I'd recommend
the veil, 'kay?

Oh, shut up.

Okay, honey, here's
your hundred dollars.

Oh. Oh.

Now, listen, don't
go waving it around

to impress the other boys.

They're just gonna
take it from you.

You already told me that!

Uh, Rico, I think
one of your testicles

rolled under the couch.

Traugott, you old
dog bone, get in here.

Nice of you to have
me back, Dorsey.

I spent all the money I
won from you last time.

Yeah? Well, I hear that
back waxing is not cheap.

All right, we're outta here.

Hi.

I don't believe we've met.

Uh, Peter, this is
my wife, Stacey,

and her lovely sister, Amanda.

Oh, will you shut up!

I mean, thank you.

Hi. Hi.

Nice meeting you both. Hi.

So, do you and
Ned work together?

No, no. I'm at, uh, one
of the better agencies.

H-M and S.

Right. He works at, uh,
hang me up and spank me.

I suppose he's
still a little bitter

over losing the Bachini
Pasta account to me.

The dancing ziti? Yeah.

I love that commercial!
Well, thank you very much.

Stacey, I don't wanna

sit behind the people with
the turbans again. Let's go!

Nice meeting you, Peter.

Likewise.

He is cute.

He's got the good
shoulders and the good butt.

Yeah, well, he's
hurdling toward the sun

just like the rest of us.

Let's go.

A pair of pretty ladies.

Possible flush. Nice.

Pair of nothin'.

Pair of bullets for the dealer.

Look out, gentlemen.
Hang onto your hats.

I'm bettin' a... "buckaroonie."

Whoa.

All right, I got that
buck and I'll raise it five.

I see Traugott's down
to his last few shekels,

and I'm comin'
after him, damn it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you in, Jack, or what?

What's the bet? Six bucks.

Six bucks. Hello?

To hell with all of ya...

Okay, Jack sees the
bet and raises a phlegm.

I call.

So, Ned, where's Stacey tonight?

Oh, she went to see
that new Demi Moore flick.

All right, last card
comin' around.

What, uh, is up with
Demi Moore, anyway?

I mean, are her
breasts gettin' bigger

or movie screens
gettin' smaller, huh?

Those things are filled
with fiberglass, you moron.

All right, two bucks.

Okay, I'll raise it five.

Aw, I'm out.

You should all die.

Yeah, I'm out too, but I
don't feel as strongly as Jack.

Hey, fiberglass
or no fiberglass,

Demi Moore is one hot lady.

Oh, gimme Jane Russell any day.

I'll tell ya, speakin'
of hot ladies,

you snagged yourself
a nice one there

with, uh, Stacey.

Nice to see you've
progressed beyond that,

uh, blow-up doll.

Well, the blow-up doll
was more lifelike, I'll admit.

I see the bet, and
I'm gonna raise it 15.

Whoa.

Well, I think you're
all full of bull-hooey,

but if I lose that much money,
Amanda'll kill me, so I'm out.

Well, let's see, I got your 15,

and, uh, let's just
take it up another 15.

All right, I'm gonna
call, but I gotta go light.

Hey, whoa, hey, whoa.

Come on, cowboy.

You know the house
rules at Dorsey's.

No checks, no credit,
no organ-donor cards,

particularly not Jack's.

Doesn't matter. I only
have two organs left anyway.

All right, Dorsey, here you go.

I'm gonna put up my watch.

Now, show me what you got.

Well, I think what I have here

is a little queen-high flush.

Oh, I got a little flush too...

King high.

Oh, just nicked ya, Ned.

I finally won a hand.

Congratulations.

By the way, beers are
a hundred dollars each.

Oh, look at this.

Everyone is with
someone they love but me.

Well, I feel special.

Hey.

Steve, Barbara.

Kevin, what a surprise.

You guys in line for The Juror?

Yeah. Oh, great.

Uh, Kevin?

Hi. I...

I'm Amanda. Nice to meet you.

Hi. Back of the line.

Amanda, he's cute.

Excuse me.

You can cut in
front of us. It's okay.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

No problem.

I'm Stacey.

I'm Kevin. Hi.

Hey, hey, sorry, I'm late.

Oh, you sure know
how to pick 'em.

They could be brothers.

Yeah.

Hi, two for The Juror.

Mm, sorry, we just sold out.

Come on. Somebody bet.

The bet's to you, Ned.

Huh?

Oh.

Sorry. Uh... I call.

Well, Dorsey,
looks like, as usual,

losing tremendous amounts
of money has turned you surly.

Well, if I'm surly, I guess
that makes you Laverne.

Don't joust with me,
'cause you'll lose!

Okay, okay.

Down to just you three.

Last one. Down and dirty.

On you, Pete.

I'm goin' to, uh, bet 10.

Damn! Three more spades
and I would've had a flush.

I'm out.

See your 10 and say...

What say we raise
the stakes a little bit?

Oh, bring it on, baby.

All righty. How 'bout, uh...

two hundred?

Ooh, hoo-hoo. Whoa, look out.

Here we go. Here we go.

All right, I'll see the 200,

and I'm going to raise it

five hundred. Ow!

I just wanna reiterate, I'm out.

Well, I have your 500,

and I will raise...

500.

Ho, ho.

See it.

And I'm gonna bet
everything I have in front of me,

which is $602.

Ho, ho, ho.

I... am going to call,

but I'm a little
light, so I gotta go...

No-ho-ho, I'm sorry.

What happened to Ned's
precious house rules?

Okay. You're right.

Fair's fair.

Rico, put in your watch.

No.

Come on, put in your watch!

My grandfather gave me
this watch on his deathbed.

He's dead.

Get on with your life!

Sorry, pal, but you're
gonna have to drop

out of this one, huh?

Okay, hang on, hang on.

Now, I gotta have somethin'
in this apartment that you want.

Uh... How 'bout my stereo?

Got one.

Furniture?

Tacky.

I will give you...

a complete makeover.

I'm already pretty.

Well, listen, there's gotta be
something of mine that you want.

How 'bout a night
with your wife?

Yeah, right.

Okay.

"Okay," what?

I lose this hand, you
get a night with Stacey.

What... What's
goin' on here, Ned?

You, uh, jokin' with me?

Hey! I don't joke when
it comes to my wife.

I lose this hand, you
get her for a night.

Holy co... I think he's serious.

Hey, can I get back in this pot?

What's it gonna be, Pete?

I'm gonna take your marker.

Show me what you got.

Well, you know, I
got a pair of jacks.

That's pretty normal,
hm? Not a great hand.

But, uh... Well, what
about three jacks?

Ah, that's three
jacks right there.

That's three jacks I got, and...

fourth jack.

A little barbershop quartet.

Ah-ha.

Ha, ha.

♪ Pete's going to lose ♪

Hee, hee.

Straight flush.

Oh! Straight flush.

Saturday night good for you?

Oh, God.

Rico, this is so bad.

This is very, very bad.

Do you realize I lost $2000?

Uh, Ned, you also lost Stacey.

Huh?

Oh.

That's right, I did.

I lost Stacey.

Good thing I didn't have
more cash on me, huh?

Ned, Peter is expecting
to spend the night with her.

Hey, she said she
thought he was cute.

Look, Ned, the point
is that Stacey is back...

Hey, how ya doin'?

Hi, guys. Hi.

Hey, how was the-the movie?

Oh, well, thanks to Stacey we
ended up seeing Hellraiser IV.

What a light, breezy
romp that was.

So, how'd you do tonight, Ned?

Oh, oh, I lost an arm and a leg.

And a uterus.

Well, Amanda, I
think it's time we, uh,

we-we get goin', heh.

Oh. Okay.

See you guys. STACEY: Bye.

How'd you do, honey?

Uh, I lost $12,

but at least I still have you.

Well, Ned, looks like you lost
more than just money tonight.

What? How did you know?

You lost a button on your shirt.

Ho, ho.

Oh, I did, didn't I?

Good night, Ned.

Uh, wait... Uh, Stacey,
hang on a second.

What do you want?

Listen, uh, you know,

tonight I was playin'
poker with the guys,

and we were drinkin',
belchin', what not, and...

And, you know, I happened

to glance over
at Peter, and I...

I thought to myself,
you know, Stacey's right.

He does have nice shoulders

and a damn fine butt.

Damn fine butt!

What are you trying
to tell me, Ned?

Well, just that I knew
earlier in the evening

that you took a little
bit of a shine to him,

and, uh, let's just
say that he was, uh,

doin' a little
buffin' on his own.

Really? Yeah.

Did... Did he say something?

Oh, you know, he
didn't say much,

except that he thought
that you were very charming,

and very pretty,
and very, very funny.

Funny? All I said was
I liked his dancing ziti.

There it is again.
Say it again. Heh, heh.

I liked his dancing ziti.

Ha, ha, ha!

That's funny stuff.

That is funny stuff.

God. Wow.

But doesn't he
think we're married?

Oh, you know,

once I saw how genuine
his feelings were for you,

I just, uh, cleared
up our little situation,

and he was cool
with it, you know.

So, you wanna go out with him?

Well, he seemed nice.

I-I only talked to
him for a minute.

Tell me more about him.

He's great.

He likes...

piña coladas,

and gettin' caught in the rain.

What else?

Not into health food.

Likes to ride on the train.

I love the train. Ha!

It's so romantic.

There you go.

There you go.

You're made for each other.

So, uh... Saturday
night good for you?

Okay. Good.

Thank you, Ned.

That is sweet of you
to think of me like that.

Now, listen, listen, uh...

You know, you
two kids go out, uh...

You know, there
ain't nothin' wrong

with the woman
makin' the first move.

Hey, hey.

Oh, hi.

Peter's gonna be
here any second,

and I can't decide
whether or not

I should wear it with
or without the sweater.

It's a little bit chilly, but
I-I think without is sexier.

What do you think?

Sexy's good.

Just you kids let
nature take its course.

Do what you're gonna do, huh?

Look, Ned, before I go,

I just wanna thank you
again for setting this up.

Well, you're... You're welcome.

No, I mean it. It was...

It was really thoughtful of you.

Thank you.

You're welcome, heh.

I mean, I'm... I'm
just very touched

by the way that you're starting

to look out for me.

Really.

Oh...

What?

Somewhat uncomfortable
with bein' a sweetie?

Hm-hm.

Ooh. Ha. There's Peter.

Hi, Peter. Hello.

Well, you look very nice.

Thank you.

Are we, uh... all
good to go here?

I'm ready.

Wow. Heh, heh.

Great.

It's quite a cute
little arrangement

you kids have goin' here.

Bye, Ned.

Bye.

Stacey!

Listen, uh...

You know, it's cold out.

Don't wanna catch
your death of cold.

I think, you know,

you probably should
wear that sweater there.

Wanna keep that on.

Thanks.

Oh, you're welcome. So,

you wanna start out
with some piña coladas?

Uh, sure, whatever.

I don't know, I...

I wanna write about things
that are really important.

Hm. You know, things
that matter to people,

like what's happening in Bosnia.

Oh, yeah, it's...
bad over there, huh?

Oh.

It's a horrible situation,

and no one is doing
anything about it.

We should really try
to get that taken care of.

That was nice.

Yes, indeed.

Oh, look at that.

Is this your mother?

Yep. Oh.

That is her.

Oh. Are you two close?

Oh, we are.

Really, heh, really
close, but you know,

I really don't want to think
about her right now, Stacey.

Mmm.

Oh.

Whoo. Movin' a little
quickly, don't you think?

Oh, well, it is almost 8:30.

No, seriously.

I wanna hear all
about your family.

Your childhood. Everything.

I wanna know what makes
you tick, Peter Traugott.

Amanda, I'm tired, you know.

I just wanna go home.

Eric, honey, I'm starving,
and we are right here.

Let's just see if they
wanna grab a quick bite.

Actually, I don't think
Stacey's even home tonight.

Where is she?

Uh...

How would I know?

Well, you knew she
was out, so where is she?

Uh, well, I think Ned said that

maybe his friend Peter
might have taken her out, so...

Come on, let's go.

Ah, ho, hey...

He never lets her date
guys in advertising.

Why would he let her date Peter?

Hm.

I don't know.

Come on, let's go.

Eric, Eric.

Let's just cut out about 50
steps here, and just tell me

what's goin' on.

Why would you think
there's something

I'm not tellin' you, Amanda?

There's absolutely
nothing going on.

He lost her in a poker game?!

Amanda, it's not as bad as that.

She thought he was cute.

Eric, he is pimping her out
to pay off a gambling debt.

Hm. Well, when
you put it like that.

He has gone too far.

This time, I swear to
God I'm gonna find him...

Look, look. I'd lost
a button on this shirt,

and Stacey sewed a new one on.

It's a raincoat
button, but still.

Ned, it is official.

You are a pig.

No.

No, I'm not just a pig.

I'm a dung-covered
hoof of a diseased pig!

Damn right you are!

Stacey is not your
personal property, you know.

I know, she's a human being!

Yes, a human being with...

With thoughts and
feelings and emotions!

Yeah, those!

I should be in hell!

Yeah! Hell!

And...

Oh, that was no fun.

Yeah, it... did bother me
that he was always away

on those business trips.

Oh, it must have.

I mean, sure, he'd, uh...

bring me back a little toy
or... you know, a T-shirt

that he'd pick up
at the airport, but...

I didn't want things, you know.

I wanted his love.

Oh, God.

Of course, you did.

Oh, Peter. Do you...?

Do you want me to
stay with you tonight?

Oh, thank you, Stacey, but...

I really think I ought
to be alone tonight.

I understand.

No, no, no, you sit.

You sit. I'll get it.

Stacey.

Ned. What are you doing here?

I-I just came to take you home,

unless I'm too late.

No, no. It's perfect timing.

We're done here.

Oh, God.

Did you at least buy
her dinner, you bastard?!

Ned, take it easy.

Nothing happened.

You kids have a good time.

Wait a minute.

What is going on?

Nothin'.

Nothin'.

Peter?

You remember what
I said about honesty?

I won you from Ned
in the poker game.

Very good.

What?!

He didn't have enough
money to cover his bet,

so he bet a night
with you, and I won.

You bet me in a poker game?

Four jacks I had!

Nobody loses with
four jacks, Stacey!

Besides, you said you
thought he was cute.

Yeah, Ned, I said I
wanted to go out with him,

not to be raffled off to him!

Hey, how am I supposed to know

when you're gonna
draw those arbitrary lines?

So, how much was I worth, Ned?

Six-hundred thousand dollars.

Six hundred and two dollars.

Oh, this is appalling!
You make me sick!

Well, wha... How come
you're only yellin' at me?

I just bet you, he won you.

How come you're
not yellin' at him?

He's a mess. The way
his parents treated him...

He'll never have another
decent relationship

for the rest of his life.

Oh, oh, God.

But you...

You should know better!

My mommy didn't love me.

Oh, stop.

And to think I sewed for you.

Hey, this is a different shirt.

Oh, man.

I offered you a
complete makeover.

Hey.