Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 1, Episode 22 - It Happened One Night - full transcript

- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?

It was business.
Strictly business.

Here's the deal.

To get the promotion,
I needed the wife.

See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.

So, what the hell, we
up and got married.

The only thing we
have in common?

We irritate each other. Right.

Enjoy the show.

Ahh. Coming.

Did you hear something?



Don't you lift a cloven hoof.

I've got it.

I was on my way.

Oh! Gotta pee.
Gotta pee. Gotta pee.

I'm sorry to barge
in unannounced.

Eric seems to think that
people will be impressed

if he finishes an
entire Big Gulp.

He completed the mighty cup?

Pee with pride, brother!

Look, I'm thinking of
catching a movie later.

You wanna join me?

No, my little raisinette.

No movie-going tonight.

Got a client party and the
presence of Mrs. Dorsey



has been requested by people
that don't know you very well.

Oh, that's right.

Well, you guys
could come with us.

No. I think I'm coming
down with something.

Oh, come on.

Please, I need you there.

These people are so boring.

They make cat toys.

What they do is run a
good American business.

And the products they
make are good, clean fun.

See?

A little...

A little mousey.

Come and get it.

Ned.

Come and get it.

Ned! Stop it.

Come and get
it. Ned! Cut it out!

Come on, Stacey, you can get it.

See, she'll continue doing this
because it's laced with catnip.

Come on. Come on.

Do you see what I have
to contend with here?

Please come.

Please. Please.

Please. No.

Oh. It's eight below.

I officially have the flu.

And there is no way
this cocktail napkin

is gonna last 62 blocks.

Thank you, Stacey.

Here comes one. Here comes one.

Hey! Taxi! Taxi!

Taxi, yeah! Yeah.

It's... It's full.

Taxi! T-taxi!

No, no. No, no.

No, Taxi!

Oh, Eric, be careful!

Hey, pal, sit on this and spin!

How can I if you don't stop?

Clever comeback, Rico.

By the way, Ned,

I did not appreciate
you telling that woman

that I used to live
alone with 28 cats.

Hey, it got us 400
pounds of kitty litter.

That's enough to
fill up your room.

He just lives to insult me.

Hmmm. Ned insulted you.

I just wiped my nose with
my new cashmere glove.

Which do I care about more?

Taxi!

Hey, Rico, she's
9-months pregnant.

Come on.

Outrun her!

Doh! Nancy-boy.

At least he's trying.

Oh, I know how we can get a cab.

Why don't you
hike up your skirt?

Ahhh!

The head of a woman!
The leg of a chicken!

It cannot be, and yet it is so!

Ahh!

Can you believe this
cretin is my husband?

You're the one who
married him for a Park view.

No one held a gun to your head.

Take some
responsibility, will you?

I really wish the two of
you would stop bickering

and settle this like adults.

I'm thinking
topless pillow fight?

Excuse me, Amanda,

but I don't think
it's asking too much

for you to be a
little sensitive.

You know damn well I'm
stuck in this stupid arrangement.

Stuck?

I don't think so.

Nobody gets stuck in this
kind of arrangement, Stacey.

You obviously wanna be
in it for some sick reason.

If you were really miserable,

you would stop
complaining about your life

and do something like...

Oh, I don't know, change it!

Taxi!

Uh, you...

Hello.

Well, I walked the
140 blocks home.

After I have some toes
amputated, I'll be fine.

What's this?

Um... I-I gotta go.

I'm moving out.

What?

Look, if I-I get any messages,

I'll be at my parents' house

until I get settled
somewhere else, okay?

All right, all right.
What is this about?

Is it because I tried to put a
flea collar on you at the party?

No, no.

I'm sorry, it's not you.

Well, I mean, it is you,
but... But it's mainly me.

You know, Amanda was right.

I need to take
responsibility for my life

and change it.

Bye, Ned.

Well, so long!

And good riddance!

That was my lamp.

Don't answer it, Saul.

Who comes knocking in
the middle of the night?

It's 9:30.

All right, all
right. I'm comin'.

Cookie! What're you doin' here?

Where's Neddy?

I moved out. You moved out?

What do you mean?
Why would you move out?

It's a long story.

We're listening.

Can I come in?

Oh, sure. Oh, yeah.

What happened?

Marriage is over.

Tuh, tuh, tuh. I don't
wanna hear that kind of talk!

Relax, Ellen.

It's probably nothing.

Now listen, Cookie,

let's you and I go
down to Hogan's Diner,

we'll talk just
like the old days.

That'll cheer you up.

You know, Daddy,
I-I'm not really hungry.

I just would really love to
just go up to my room, okay?

Ah, darling, we've done
a little, uh... redecorating.

I don't know how
comfortable you're gonna be

in the rumpus room.

The rumpus room?

Hey, honey.

Is Howard asleep?

No. He wasn't tired,

so I gave him a box of
matches and a can of hair spray.

Just kiddin', just kiddin'.

So how ya feeling?

Actually, I'm thinking of
throwing my head away.

No, no. Save it.
We'll make soup.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ned, hey.

Hey, Rico, how's
it goin', bro? Hey.

Home-wrecker!

Why can't you leave
decent people alone?

What are you talking about?

What are you doing here?

Stacey has gone home to Mama.

She did?

And it's your fault.

Throwing around phrases
like "responsibility,"

and "take charge of your life."

Why do you say
such things to her?

Don't you know she's a cult
member waiting to happen?!

Just go home, Ned.

A few days with our parents,

and you'll start to
look good to her again.

Yeah, well, I can't afford a
few days with her parents.

Gets over there,
she'll start spillin' out

all kinds of information,

possibly the truth,

and then where will I be?

Okay, you're the one that filled
her head with those notions,

You're the one that
will empty it out again.

She's really not feeling well.

Hey! My draggin' your
wife out of your house

is none of your concern, pal.

Gee, you... You'd
think it would be.

Ned, go home. I'm
not going with you.

I... can't go home.

They're just... ain't no
home without Stace.

Oh, please, I haven't
had that much NyQuil.

All right. Come on, Amanda.

Look, I know you don't approve

of the fandango I have goin'
on with Stacey, but, you know,

in its own non-traditional
way, it is working.

Or it was until you stuck
your big runny nose in it.

Yeah, I guess.

Honey, Just go over
and tell her when you said

she should take
charge of her life,

you were just kidding
around. It'll take 10 minutes.

I'm gonna die in the snow.

Ah, all right,
that's the spirit.

Come on. Good.

We'll stop at the drugstore,

and I'll get you some of
that nighttime, headache,

sniffling, sneezing,
coughing, I-lost-my-fake-wife,

you're-gonna-help-me-
get-her-back medicine.

I have a gun, and I
know how to use it.

It's me, Ma, and please do.

You girls are gonna give
me a heart attack tonight.

Come on in.

Hi, Ned.

Hi, Ellen, how's it goin'?

Good to see you again.

Listen, uh, Stacey...

may have said
some things tonight.

Don't believe any of it.

We think she's been
drinking, and, uh...

she ate some catnip.

Now just calm down, darling.

I'm sure that whatever
the problem is

between you and
Stacey, you can work it out.

So she didn't tell you
what the problem is?

No, no. She's talking it over
at the diner with her father.

Oh, come on, Ned,
it's right up the street.

Okay, good. I'll
slow the car down,

you shoot her in the ass
with a tranquilizer gun.

No. No, no, no.

Let them talk.

No, no. No.

No, talk bad.

Trust me, Ned.

It's a good thing.

Meanwhile, you and I ought to
have a conversation of our own.

We should?

Sit, darling.

Amanda, you look terrible.

How do you leave
the house like that?

Oh.

I tried to tell her.

All right, so, Neddy,

tell me what's the problem
between you and Stacey?

It's hard to say exactly.

I try to make a
nice home for her.

I cook, I clean.

I keep myself... pretty.

Neddy, darling, you
can tell me the truth.

Sexual problem.

Now, which one of
you has the problem?

He does.

I see.

Well, between us, darling,

Saul has had performance
difficulties of his own.

Oh, wow.

Oh, sure, for years.

Why do you think I
got the blonde wig?

And I'm out of here!

I'll be at the diner.

So, darling, share with me.

Well...

the thing is...

Stacey likes to be the man.

So, Cookie, what's the story?

Daddy, there are some
things that you don't know

about me and Ned.

Yeah, like what?

Our marriage is a sham.

Well, every marriage at
first is a little rocky, but...

No, no, no, Daddy,
you don't understand.

It's not a real marriage.

Oh, who's to say what's real?

No, it's a charade.

Hey, at times, everybody...

No, all the time, Daddy.

It's... It's a travesty, a
mockery, a... bakery, a...

Do you have a thesaurus on you?

Stacey, honey, I know you think

your mother and I
have a perfect marriage.

Uh... okay.

But there's something
we never told you girls.

You see, your mother
and I had to get married.

Yeah, but, Daddy, I...

You what?

It's true.

So that means that
Amanda was a mistake?

Well, you know, I got
your mother in trouble.

I-I don't like that phrase.

It's not like she wasn't
willing, you know,

strutting around
in those mini skirts

Oh, Dad. Okay, Dad.
And those boots...

Dad. O-o-okay.

Whoo!

I don't understand.

If it's a shoulder massager,
how can it help us?

Our shoulders are fine.

But I wasn't a mistake, right?

You guys wanted me, right?

Of course.

Were you glad that I
was a girl and not a boy?

Oh, sure.

Good.

Hey.

Hi, Bunny.

You heard about
this crisis, huh?

Yeah.

Dad, do you mind if I
talk to Stacey for a while?

Oh, sure, sure.

Listen, you have a
nice talk and tell her

marriage is supposed
to suck the life out of you.

Bye-bye, Cookie.

Bye, Daddy.

Hi.

Hi.

So...

did you tell him
that Daddy's little girl

leased herself out
for a Park view?

I tried, but then he started
talking about he and Mom,

and telling me all
these incredible things

that I never knew.

Like what?

Um, nothing.

Stacey?

Stacey Colbert!

Ha-ha-ha!

Yeah?

Who is he?

It's Joey.

It's Joey Rossano
from high school.

Joey Rossano.

Oh, wow.

Do you remember
my sister, Amanda?

Uh, yeah.

How're you doing, Joey?

Good. Good. I'm
in here all the time.

I do the night delivery
for Happy's Bakery.

Yeah.

So, what are you
two up to these days?

Well, I'm, um...

you know, married.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, me too.

Any kids?

No. You?

Six.

Hooray.

So, uh, you workin'?

I'm a writer.

Wow, writin'.

What about that?

You know, I always thought
you were the smart one.

You know, you always
had that smart mouth.

And you always had
that look on your face.

Look, I gotta go.

You know, I'm on
a tight schedule.

Hey, you guys
want some free rolls?

You know, I got the
truck right outside.

Oh, no, thanks.

We don't eat bread.

Okay, you two take care.

See ya. Keep in touch.

Oh, my God!

What happened to him?

He used to be so cute.

Weren't you gonna go to the
prom with him or something?

Yes, until you talked
me out of it, remember?

What?

I did not.

♪ You put the
boom-boom Into my heart ♪

♪ Boom-boom ♪

♪ You send my soul sky-high
When your lovin' starts ♪

♪ Jitterbug into my brain ♪

Did you hear that we
are not gonna be allowed

to leave school for
lunch period anymore?

This world is so
overpopulated by stupid people.

We need a good war.

Amanda!

I can't believe
you're smoking those.

I read that every puff you take,

takes, like, three
seconds off your life.

Ew.

The Bell... Jar?

What's this?

It's the searing look inside the
mind of a brilliant depressive.

I'm sure you'd enjoy it if
your brain stem were attached.

Hey, you with the rag.

Uh...

Hey... Hey, Amanda.

Could you clean this up, please?

Yeah. Where?

Wooh!

Close enough.

Oh, uh...

What did you, uh...?

You know th-the...

There's the, um...

Th-the prom is comin' up.

The prom?

In June?

How novel.

So, anyway, I'm gonna...

I was gonna g-go. You wanna...?

Would you wanna go with m-me?

Oh.

No, I'm going with
another busboy.

Really?

No!

God.

Look, I'll meet
you there, all right?

Just go away.

Score!

Hey, so, Stace,
you know, all this...

All this talk about
the prom reminds me.

I'm gonna take my
Camaro in for pinstripin'.

Yeah, I'm gonna surprise
you on prom night.

Ah, shoo! Man.

Ohhh, you're so sweet.

I'll act surprised.

Yeah? Yeah.

Thanks.

Hey, listen, I gotta go.

Okay.

Yeah, I'll catch
you later. Okay.

Oh, my God.

He's like hotter
than Rick Springfield.

And dumber than
a bag of hammers.

You think he's dumb?
I've heard people say that.

Stacey, he got
an 80 on his SATs.

And he cheated.

Do you think I should
break up with him?

I don't care.

But I like him.

And it'll be so awesome
to be a sophomore

and get to go to
his senior prom.

Well, I'm sure you'll
get another chance

to go with him next year.

So you do think I
should break up with him.

Let's try this again.

I don't care.

Amanda!

You're my sister.

Could you, like, try
to be supportive?

God!

What do you want me to do?

Well, tell me what you think.

You wanna know what I think?

I think you're
dating a total loser

because you want
to go to the prom.

And am I surprised?

No.

Anybody in here
own a Dodge Dart?

I think you need some new
windshield wipers, dude,

'cause these are wasted, man!

You want a piece of
me, Civil War dude?

Things could be worse.

You could end up
married to him someday.

I absolutely was going
to the prom with Joey

until you started
screwing with my head.

Great. So you could have
married him, had six kids,

and you'd be riding
shotgun on a bread truck.

Look, I'm sorry I
always lash out at you

and make you do these
ridiculous self-destructive things

that you're just
not ready to do yet.

Well, you should be.

So are you going back to maniac?

Yeah.

I suppose.

I mean, as maniacs go,

I could do worse than Ned.

And as twisted as this
whole fake wife thing is...

I do seem to do it pretty well.

Oh, God, what does
that say about me?

Let's not explore that.

Oh. Speaking of the devil...

Hey, why didn't
you just wait for us?

Why?

Well, apparently Saul and Ellen

have done some
amateur film-making.

Stacey,

are we going to stay married?

Hmm? Hmm?

Are you comin' home?

Married? Not married?
Married? Not married?

Shut up.

Well, come home, damn it!

Well, stop barking at me.

Oh, this is sweet.

Come on, Stacey.

There's a bag of
Oreos pinin' for ya.

Well, being that my old bedroom
was turned into a rumpus room.

What the hell.

Come on, we can stop
at my folks house first.

I have to pick up my stuff.

Oh, good, maybe we
can catch the late show.

The Devil and Mrs. Colbert.

Or Emanuellen.

Hey...

are we okay?

Yeah.

So I missed the
prom because of you.

No big deal.

You know, actually,
it's kind of funny

now that you
think about it, right?

Yeah, funny.

Speaking of funny.

Wanna hear a funny story about
why Mom and Dad got married?

All right.

God, it's eight below,
I officially have the flu,

and there is no way
this cocktail napkin

is gonna last 62 blocks,
thank you, Stacey.

Taxi!

Ta...

Taxi!

Hey, pal, sit on this and spin!

Oh, good! We got one.

Thank God, I'm freezing.

Good work, Rico.

Right.

88th and Broadway.

Step on it.