Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 1, Episode 21 - Pals - full transcript
Ned has difficulties shooting an ad campaign starring the famous Bobby Van Lowe (Jason Bateman) from the situation comedy 'Pals'. Ned gives Bobby Amanda's number as Bobby is looking for an apartment in New York and needs a Realtor. Bobby develops feelings for Amanda while she is showing him apartments and winds up kissing her as Ned walks in on them. Amanda puts the baby making plans on hold as she has to rush out to close the apartment deal with Bobby. Ned freaks out after he discovers where Amanda is headed and has to tell Eric all of the details. Eric becomes furious and decides to confront Bobby.
Hi. I'm Bobby Van Lowe,
but you probably know me
as Terry from the hit
situation comedy Pals.
Now, as a young actor I
get to do a lot of cool things,
but the coolest
thing that I do...
is not smoke.
You see smoking isn't cool.
It isn't sexy.
It... It's... Ned,
can we stop?
Okay, guess we just did.
Cut.
Okay, Bob, talk to me, Bob.
Yeah, now listen.
Maybe it's the words.
Maybe it's me. But it's just,
it's not feeling truthful.
Right. Right.
Yeah. Maybe it's
'cause your lungs
are full of
cancer-causing smoke.
I don't know, man.
Listen, Bob, I know where
you're coming from on this one,
but we got 12 of
these PSAs to do.
I would love to take two
weeks to do each one of them.
But you know, the guy from
the National Youth Council,
well, he's afraid that
he's not gonna be able
to spend Christmas
with his family.
I know, I know, I know.
It's taking long, but
these are actually
a lot harder than I thought
they were gonna be.
Well, absolutely. They are hard.
The dog from Frasier
had a tough time with his.
All right. See?
It doesn't really
matter what you say.
If the kids wanna smoke,
damn it, they're gonna smoke.
Good notes!
Okay! Let's roll camera.
Let's get one in the can.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Good.
Okay. You ready?
Smoking's Just
Plain Stupid, take six.
And... action.
Hi. I'm Bobby Van Lowe,
but you probably know me
as Jack Hammer from
such all-male movies as
Boys in My Hood
and Some Bronx Tail.
- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?
It was business.
Strictly business.
Here's the deal.
To get the promotion,
I needed the wife.
See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So, what the hell, we
up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common?
We irritate each other. Right.
Enjoy the show.
I mean the first time,
Eric breathed on me
and, bam, I was pregnant.
This time it's been, like,
four months and nothing.
And we've been trying a lot.
Have you thought of
going to a specialist?
Yeah, honey, why don't you
let him take a crack at you.
I could use a break.
Anyway, my OB says we
should keep trying for a while.
Ah, I guess we gotta keep at it.
Now I know how the
boys felt in Vietnam.
Will you stop?
Just making a joke.
I'm sorry if having sex
with me is such a chore.
It's not a chore. It's a
privilege, like voting.
Oh, really, and do you also have
the Knick game on when you vote?
Well, at least this
isn't awkward for me.
Oh, hey, Ned. Hey, Ned.
Hi-hi-hi...
Somebody shoot me to death.
Well, what's the
matter, Ned-boy?
Why are you asking
him questions?
The man made a simple request.
Spent 10 hours shooting
these stupid PSAs
with Bobby Van Lowe.
Bobby Van Lowe?
That is who's doing your PSAs?
Yeah.
I love him.
What... What's he like?
Well, he's a moron.
Is he single?
If he's not, he should be.
Oh, listen, Amanda, he's
looking to buy an apartment
in New York City,
and he needs a realtor,
so I gave him your number.
You did?
But that's a... nice thing.
Wait till you meet him.
And no, that's
not a bearing wall,
so you could rip it down
and make the two rooms
into one master suite.
Oh, yeah, well,
that would be cool.
Wow, one large bedroom?
Hey!
There's a bidet in there.
This is a really great
couple's apartment.
Yeah.
God, this is fun.
Oh, yeah, yeah, it is.
God, what a coincidence
running into you in the lobby.
Yeah. I mean I was just,
you know, visiting a friend.
And remind me, how do
you know Henry Kissinger?
He's in my step class.
You have to go now, don't you?
Oh... Bobby?
You know, if... If you ever need
any help decorating the place,
I have some really great ideas.
Hmm?
Oh, yeah.
Uh, whatever.
Okay. Great.
He likes me.
So, what do you
think? You likes?
Well, I don't know about
living on the Upper East Side.
Now, what about
Greenwich Village?
Oh, I'm gonna kill you.
We just came from there.
You said you hated it.
I know, but, uh,
Kiefer Sutherland's got a place
down there, and Charlie Sheen.
So, what do you
care where they live?
Stop living your life out of
the young celebrity's handbook.
Oh, God, I'm probably
coming across
very shallow and
pretentious, aren't I?
Well, yeah. But, hey,
you're 26 years old,
and you're rich, and you've
got a pre-approved loan,
and I can deal with it.
You are such a cool person.
Hey, have you really
never seen my show?
Oh, well, maybe for a minute
when I was poking around,
you know. Do... Do you all
sit on a couch with coffee?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, all right.
That's my show.
All right.
The truth is, I don't get a
chance to see much of anything
that doesn't feature a
purple, dancing dinosaur.
Ah-ha. You have kids.
One son. He's 7.
Mm-hmm.
Then you're married, huh?
That's very cool.
I'm from L.A.
I don't know any married people.
So, what about you?
You have a girlfriend?
No. No.
You try having a personal
life, working 30 hours a week,
22 weeks out of the year.
Oh, yeah, that's...
That's really rough.
Hey, you know something, Amanda?
Hmm?
You have a great smile there.
Oh, come on, now.
I'm the one who's supposed
to be schmoozing you.
Yeah, but you know what?
You don't, and that's
what is so cool about you.
All right.
So, what do you wanna do?
You wanna see some more places?
No.
Well, what then?
Bobby...
Was that bad?
Should I not have done that?
It's fine.
Let's just forget about it.
♪ Here comes Ned ♪
♪ Looking for a Bobby ♪
♪ Gonna hit the door
Gonna find him probably ♪
Hey, you nutty kids.
Ned, what are you doing here?
Well, your office told me
that I could probably find
the two of you here,
and you, little mister,
are late for a location
shoot downtown.
Let's go.
Oh, uh, listen. I'll
think about... And I'll...
Uh, I'll think about the
place, and I'll decide,
and then I'll call you. Okay?
Fine. Fine.
Okay. All right. Let's go.
Bye-bye.
So, honey? Yeah?
You ready to have some hot and
nasty "get down and boogie" sex?
Huh?
Oh, yeah, sure.
I'm just waiting
for Jenny to call.
Okay, but I'm warning you.
There's a Knick game on tonight.
Don't make me use this.
Hello? Hey, Jenny.
Did they accept Bobby's offer?
Yes!
Oh, yes!
That is great.
Thank you.
Bye.
Cha-ching.
The drought is over.
All right.
God, you know, I have
been showing co-ops
for so long, I'd forgotten
you could actually sell one.
You gonna make
another phone call now?
Yeah. I gotta... Oh,
Van Lowe, please.
Room 1804.
God, Eric, this is such
an incredible feeling.
I got another incredible
feeling waiting for you right here.
Bobby? It's Amanda.
Are you sitting down?
You got yourself a co-op.
Yeah, I'll hold. Just get
off the other line, kiddo.
This is big stuff.
So you gonna be off
soon, 'cause we could...
I was thinking maybe
we should just skip tonight,
you know, I got a lot on
my mind, with the condo,
and I got a lot
of calls to make.
But this is the last
night you're fertile.
We'll have to wait
another month.
Well, honey, I've been
thinking, actually, maybe...
Maybe we should just put the
baby thing off for a little while.
What, you don't wanna
have another baby?
Well, I...
Why have we been having
all this sex all the time?
Well, Eric, don't get upset.
It's just that a lot has
changed over night, you know?
I mean, I made this sale and
Bobby says he's gonna hook me up
with some of his
actor friends in L.A.,
you know, who also
want hip New York pads.
Eric, we are talking about
idiots with money, huh?
Huh? That's good, right?
That's... Yeah,
that's a good thing.
Aw, honey, look. I love you,
and I want to have another...
Bobby!
So congratulations,
Mr. Co-op Owner.
Ah, look, Pat, I know
we're a day behind
on these public
service announcements,
but you know, it's not my fault.
You know me. Ned Dorsey
does not make excuses,
but I pledge to you,
if we don't have everyone
of them done by today,
you are free to
resign in protest.
Damn public service
announcements.
Help your fellow man.
Makes me wanna puke.
So, Ned, you're doing
these PSAs today, huh?
Yeah.
You know, I've been thinking.
I have never seen you do
that crazy commercial-making
thing that you do.
Yes, you have.
Yeah, I know. But,
come on, let me come.
I wanna see Bobby again.
Okay. You can come.
Just go grab your
purse and your Prozac
and whatever else you
need to greet the world.
Yay!
Hey, Rico, what's
going on, babe?
Kind of in a hurry.
Oh, nothing much, I
just wanna let you know
that I'm now available if you
wanna go see any Knick games
or play racquetball
or... have my baby.
Well, what's going on?
Something's going
on with Amanda.
Talking like she doesn't
wanna have another kid.
What? What? Did
she give you a reason?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
She wants to devote
all her time to being
the real estate
broker to the stars.
Like tonight, we were
gonna have dinner, but no.
She's gotta go meet Bobby
Van Lowe in his new co-op
to sign the papers.
Oh, no.
What? Huh?
You just said "oh, no."
Oh...
Oh, right, but not in
the classic "oh, no."
It was more of a... It was more
of an "Ono," as in Yoko Ono.
Yeah, I just think you need
more Yoko Ono albums.
You know, she was the
talent, not John Lennon.
Ned, what's going on?
You know something.
Ah... well... yeah, I
know some things,
but not the something
that you think is pertinent
to what you wanna know.
Ned, you do know something.
You tell me what you know.
Um, well, yesterday
at the co-op, uh...
Yeah, what?
Bobby kissed Amanda.
He kissed her?
Y-you mean, like
brothers and sisters kiss?
Yeah, in
Deliverance-burg, Alabama.
Okay, well, so, what did she do?
Did she push him?
Yeah, she... Yeah,
she pushed him away.
Show me. Show me the push!
That's not a push!
She pushed me
harder on prom night.
Well, look, the
kiss was nothing.
Well, show me! Show me the kiss!
Okay, this is weird.
Okay, this is all
beginning to make sense.
You know, she goes off
and kisses a sitcom star,
and now she doesn't
wanna have my baby.
Gee, am I the biggest chump
in this whole scenario or what?
Okay.
Just think very carefully before
you make your next move.
Good thinking.
That was Stacey's.
I-I've gotta go have
a talk with my wife.
Okay. Good. Talking, good.
First I-I've gotta find
Bobby and kill him.
Killing, bad. Killing, no.
At least wait until
after the PSAs.
We'll get a bunch
of Hell's Angels
and stomp him and
kick him. It'll be fun!
Hey, this is Bobby Van Lowe
from the hit situation comedy Pals.
I wanna talk about
a serious issue:
teenagers and sex.
Now, obviously the
safest sex is none at all,
but, girls, if you're
going to have sex,
make sure that you have it
with... me, Bobby Van Lowe.
Okay. Cut.
Print. Let's move on.
What do you mean print it?
We can't use that.
Hey, Bill, come on.
It was funny. The crew laughed.
These spots are not
supposed to be funny.
But see, that's how it works
today in the youth market.
You pull them in with the
comedy and then make your point.
Yeah, okay, but his point was
that he wants to have
sex with teenage girls.
Oh, and like you don't, huh?
Come on. Hey. Yeah.
All right.
We're moving on to
the next thing here.
Actually, I get to ad lib a
lot of my stuff on my show.
Oh, I can tell, because
it really sounds like you.
Really? Yes.
Do you mind?
Step away from the actor.
Bob, listen...
I'm sorry about that last one.
Just trying to get loose.
Hey, hey, it was funny, man.
The crew laughed.
Listen, let me talk to you
seriously for a second.
I really need you to do these
the way that they're written.
Okay? And if you don't,
I'm gonna have to reach
into your chest
with my bare hand
and rip out your still beating
heart and show it to you, huh?
Good note, good note.
Okay. Good. All
right. Now you loose?
Yes. Yes. Yes.
I'm a little anxious
to get out of here too.
I gotta meet Amanda
back at the co-op
and sign the closing papers.
Okay. You know,
on that subject...
Listen, if you really wanna
have sex with a married woman...
Yeah?
Have it with my wife. Huh?
She's right there.
Huh? She likes you.
Hello?
Yeah. Hey.
Oh, hi.
Are you all done with the PSAs?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, Ned, you
know, he's really good.
Really creative.
Thanks for meeting me down here.
Just wanted to see what
the place looked like at night.
Well, it's darker. Yeah.
I guess the
electricity is turned off.
Nope.
Listen, I really wanna
get this paperwork done.
I gotta get home.
Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure.
You know, Amanda, I'm
crazy about this kitchen.
It's so... spacious and...
Oh, hey, champagne.
What do you know.
Bobby...
It's a good thing I
happen to always carry
these around with me.
Listen, about what
happened yesterday.
Yeah?
Um, It's not the worst thing
that could have
ever happened to me.
You know, you liking me isn't
too hard on the ego, you know?
Now I sense a big "but" coming.
There is a big "but."
His name is Eric.
I know. I know.
It's just that you and I, we...
We're kind of connected.
You know? We kind
of have this... This thing.
Ohh... Don't we?
Bobby, you are really
so sweet, but... no.
No. No thing.
No thing.
Oh, well.
No big thing.
Ah, how about a quick
toast, anyway, huh?
To celebrate my new place?
Sure. Why not.
Great.
Oh, we're gonna
be here all night.
Just give me that.
Consummating the deal?
Eric?
What are you doing here?
Oh, you're Eric.
We... We haven't met.
Bobby Van Lowe.
Oh, I know who you are, TV
boy, and let me tell you something.
You ever try kissing
my wife again,
you'll be delivering your lame
jokes through a breathing tube.
My jokes are lame?
I told the writers.
Oh, Eric...
Can we just...
Can we just talk
about this at home?
You don't wanna talk here?
No. Why not, Amanda?
What other sitcom star
do you got stashed away?
Who's in the closet?
Webster?
Who's upstairs,
McHale and his Navy?
Amanda? Bobby?
Jan, Marsha, Greg?
Over here, Alice.
Heeey. You know, Bobby Van
Lowe says... smoking ain't cool.
These are his cigarettes.
Oh. So Eric tracked
you guys down, eh?
Oh, yeah, he was here.
He yelled a lot.
Made me cry. And then
he yelled some more
and made Bobby cry.
And then Bobby said he didn't
want the apartment anymore.
There was too many bad memories.
So then Bobby left.
Eric left.
I didn't leave. I'm still here.
You know as drunken recaps
go, that was pretty informative.
C'mon, gotta take you home.
I left Stacey
downstairs with the car,
and when I left her there
were some angry winos
trying to squeegee her.
No!
No, no, no. I can't go home.
I've ruined everything.
I've ruined my whole life
just because I let some TV
guy kiss me for half a second.
Half a second!
Come on, Amanda.
No. No!
Come on.
Ned, can I ask you a question?
Okay.
Am I a pretty girl?
Yes, you're... You're...
You have pretty feet.
I remember when I was 16,
and I was at summer camp.
There was this lifeguard...
I was a virgin.
And we were in
this macramé class...
Hi. I'm Lowey Van Bob.
You know me as Bobby Van Loaded.
Hello again.
Hey. What are you
doing back here?
Well, you know, I...
I went home and...
I waited for you to
come crawling back and...
when that didn't happen...
I chose to return.
I'm sorry I made Bobby cry.
You believed me when I told you
that nothing happened between
Bobby and me, didn't you?
I never thought you were
having an affair with the guy.
I just wanna know
what's going on with you.
I mean, do you want a
career? Do you want a baby?
Do you want both?
Whatever it is you
want, I'll help you.
You just have to tell
me what you want.
Rico, pick me.
I'm ovulating.
Eric, I-I don't
know what I want.
I don't even know why
this whole stupid thing
even happened, you know?
All I know is that I
want for you to love me.
Do you?
Hey, I love you.
I am so sorry. Okay?
I love you. Come here.
Hello?
Oh, hey, guys.
Hey, Stace.
I am so glad you
guys are making up.
I have been feeling
so badly about this.
Bobby was obviously
using Amanda to get to me.
I forgive you, Stacey.
So... So where's Ned?
There are people
living in his car.
He's, uh, passed out, drunk.
Oh, that's too bad.
So ready to go?
Stacey, could... Could
you take him home?
Sure.
Thanks.
Bye.
Bye.
Look. Look. I'm a
well-dressed sea turtle.
All right, okay, buddy.
All right. Come on.
Let's get home, sailor.
Come on.
Hey, do you think I'm pretty?
No, that's not a bearing wall,
so you could knock it down
and turn the two rooms
into one master suite.
Uh-huh. That would be cool, huh?
One large bedroom.
Yeah.
What about this pillar here?
What about it?
Can I knock it down?
Um... Yeah.
Sure.
Great.
So, you want the place or not?
but you probably know me
as Terry from the hit
situation comedy Pals.
Now, as a young actor I
get to do a lot of cool things,
but the coolest
thing that I do...
is not smoke.
You see smoking isn't cool.
It isn't sexy.
It... It's... Ned,
can we stop?
Okay, guess we just did.
Cut.
Okay, Bob, talk to me, Bob.
Yeah, now listen.
Maybe it's the words.
Maybe it's me. But it's just,
it's not feeling truthful.
Right. Right.
Yeah. Maybe it's
'cause your lungs
are full of
cancer-causing smoke.
I don't know, man.
Listen, Bob, I know where
you're coming from on this one,
but we got 12 of
these PSAs to do.
I would love to take two
weeks to do each one of them.
But you know, the guy from
the National Youth Council,
well, he's afraid that
he's not gonna be able
to spend Christmas
with his family.
I know, I know, I know.
It's taking long, but
these are actually
a lot harder than I thought
they were gonna be.
Well, absolutely. They are hard.
The dog from Frasier
had a tough time with his.
All right. See?
It doesn't really
matter what you say.
If the kids wanna smoke,
damn it, they're gonna smoke.
Good notes!
Okay! Let's roll camera.
Let's get one in the can.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Good.
Okay. You ready?
Smoking's Just
Plain Stupid, take six.
And... action.
Hi. I'm Bobby Van Lowe,
but you probably know me
as Jack Hammer from
such all-male movies as
Boys in My Hood
and Some Bronx Tail.
- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?
It was business.
Strictly business.
Here's the deal.
To get the promotion,
I needed the wife.
See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So, what the hell, we
up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common?
We irritate each other. Right.
Enjoy the show.
I mean the first time,
Eric breathed on me
and, bam, I was pregnant.
This time it's been, like,
four months and nothing.
And we've been trying a lot.
Have you thought of
going to a specialist?
Yeah, honey, why don't you
let him take a crack at you.
I could use a break.
Anyway, my OB says we
should keep trying for a while.
Ah, I guess we gotta keep at it.
Now I know how the
boys felt in Vietnam.
Will you stop?
Just making a joke.
I'm sorry if having sex
with me is such a chore.
It's not a chore. It's a
privilege, like voting.
Oh, really, and do you also have
the Knick game on when you vote?
Well, at least this
isn't awkward for me.
Oh, hey, Ned. Hey, Ned.
Hi-hi-hi...
Somebody shoot me to death.
Well, what's the
matter, Ned-boy?
Why are you asking
him questions?
The man made a simple request.
Spent 10 hours shooting
these stupid PSAs
with Bobby Van Lowe.
Bobby Van Lowe?
That is who's doing your PSAs?
Yeah.
I love him.
What... What's he like?
Well, he's a moron.
Is he single?
If he's not, he should be.
Oh, listen, Amanda, he's
looking to buy an apartment
in New York City,
and he needs a realtor,
so I gave him your number.
You did?
But that's a... nice thing.
Wait till you meet him.
And no, that's
not a bearing wall,
so you could rip it down
and make the two rooms
into one master suite.
Oh, yeah, well,
that would be cool.
Wow, one large bedroom?
Hey!
There's a bidet in there.
This is a really great
couple's apartment.
Yeah.
God, this is fun.
Oh, yeah, yeah, it is.
God, what a coincidence
running into you in the lobby.
Yeah. I mean I was just,
you know, visiting a friend.
And remind me, how do
you know Henry Kissinger?
He's in my step class.
You have to go now, don't you?
Oh... Bobby?
You know, if... If you ever need
any help decorating the place,
I have some really great ideas.
Hmm?
Oh, yeah.
Uh, whatever.
Okay. Great.
He likes me.
So, what do you
think? You likes?
Well, I don't know about
living on the Upper East Side.
Now, what about
Greenwich Village?
Oh, I'm gonna kill you.
We just came from there.
You said you hated it.
I know, but, uh,
Kiefer Sutherland's got a place
down there, and Charlie Sheen.
So, what do you
care where they live?
Stop living your life out of
the young celebrity's handbook.
Oh, God, I'm probably
coming across
very shallow and
pretentious, aren't I?
Well, yeah. But, hey,
you're 26 years old,
and you're rich, and you've
got a pre-approved loan,
and I can deal with it.
You are such a cool person.
Hey, have you really
never seen my show?
Oh, well, maybe for a minute
when I was poking around,
you know. Do... Do you all
sit on a couch with coffee?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, all right.
That's my show.
All right.
The truth is, I don't get a
chance to see much of anything
that doesn't feature a
purple, dancing dinosaur.
Ah-ha. You have kids.
One son. He's 7.
Mm-hmm.
Then you're married, huh?
That's very cool.
I'm from L.A.
I don't know any married people.
So, what about you?
You have a girlfriend?
No. No.
You try having a personal
life, working 30 hours a week,
22 weeks out of the year.
Oh, yeah, that's...
That's really rough.
Hey, you know something, Amanda?
Hmm?
You have a great smile there.
Oh, come on, now.
I'm the one who's supposed
to be schmoozing you.
Yeah, but you know what?
You don't, and that's
what is so cool about you.
All right.
So, what do you wanna do?
You wanna see some more places?
No.
Well, what then?
Bobby...
Was that bad?
Should I not have done that?
It's fine.
Let's just forget about it.
♪ Here comes Ned ♪
♪ Looking for a Bobby ♪
♪ Gonna hit the door
Gonna find him probably ♪
Hey, you nutty kids.
Ned, what are you doing here?
Well, your office told me
that I could probably find
the two of you here,
and you, little mister,
are late for a location
shoot downtown.
Let's go.
Oh, uh, listen. I'll
think about... And I'll...
Uh, I'll think about the
place, and I'll decide,
and then I'll call you. Okay?
Fine. Fine.
Okay. All right. Let's go.
Bye-bye.
So, honey? Yeah?
You ready to have some hot and
nasty "get down and boogie" sex?
Huh?
Oh, yeah, sure.
I'm just waiting
for Jenny to call.
Okay, but I'm warning you.
There's a Knick game on tonight.
Don't make me use this.
Hello? Hey, Jenny.
Did they accept Bobby's offer?
Yes!
Oh, yes!
That is great.
Thank you.
Bye.
Cha-ching.
The drought is over.
All right.
God, you know, I have
been showing co-ops
for so long, I'd forgotten
you could actually sell one.
You gonna make
another phone call now?
Yeah. I gotta... Oh,
Van Lowe, please.
Room 1804.
God, Eric, this is such
an incredible feeling.
I got another incredible
feeling waiting for you right here.
Bobby? It's Amanda.
Are you sitting down?
You got yourself a co-op.
Yeah, I'll hold. Just get
off the other line, kiddo.
This is big stuff.
So you gonna be off
soon, 'cause we could...
I was thinking maybe
we should just skip tonight,
you know, I got a lot on
my mind, with the condo,
and I got a lot
of calls to make.
But this is the last
night you're fertile.
We'll have to wait
another month.
Well, honey, I've been
thinking, actually, maybe...
Maybe we should just put the
baby thing off for a little while.
What, you don't wanna
have another baby?
Well, I...
Why have we been having
all this sex all the time?
Well, Eric, don't get upset.
It's just that a lot has
changed over night, you know?
I mean, I made this sale and
Bobby says he's gonna hook me up
with some of his
actor friends in L.A.,
you know, who also
want hip New York pads.
Eric, we are talking about
idiots with money, huh?
Huh? That's good, right?
That's... Yeah,
that's a good thing.
Aw, honey, look. I love you,
and I want to have another...
Bobby!
So congratulations,
Mr. Co-op Owner.
Ah, look, Pat, I know
we're a day behind
on these public
service announcements,
but you know, it's not my fault.
You know me. Ned Dorsey
does not make excuses,
but I pledge to you,
if we don't have everyone
of them done by today,
you are free to
resign in protest.
Damn public service
announcements.
Help your fellow man.
Makes me wanna puke.
So, Ned, you're doing
these PSAs today, huh?
Yeah.
You know, I've been thinking.
I have never seen you do
that crazy commercial-making
thing that you do.
Yes, you have.
Yeah, I know. But,
come on, let me come.
I wanna see Bobby again.
Okay. You can come.
Just go grab your
purse and your Prozac
and whatever else you
need to greet the world.
Yay!
Hey, Rico, what's
going on, babe?
Kind of in a hurry.
Oh, nothing much, I
just wanna let you know
that I'm now available if you
wanna go see any Knick games
or play racquetball
or... have my baby.
Well, what's going on?
Something's going
on with Amanda.
Talking like she doesn't
wanna have another kid.
What? What? Did
she give you a reason?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
She wants to devote
all her time to being
the real estate
broker to the stars.
Like tonight, we were
gonna have dinner, but no.
She's gotta go meet Bobby
Van Lowe in his new co-op
to sign the papers.
Oh, no.
What? Huh?
You just said "oh, no."
Oh...
Oh, right, but not in
the classic "oh, no."
It was more of a... It was more
of an "Ono," as in Yoko Ono.
Yeah, I just think you need
more Yoko Ono albums.
You know, she was the
talent, not John Lennon.
Ned, what's going on?
You know something.
Ah... well... yeah, I
know some things,
but not the something
that you think is pertinent
to what you wanna know.
Ned, you do know something.
You tell me what you know.
Um, well, yesterday
at the co-op, uh...
Yeah, what?
Bobby kissed Amanda.
He kissed her?
Y-you mean, like
brothers and sisters kiss?
Yeah, in
Deliverance-burg, Alabama.
Okay, well, so, what did she do?
Did she push him?
Yeah, she... Yeah,
she pushed him away.
Show me. Show me the push!
That's not a push!
She pushed me
harder on prom night.
Well, look, the
kiss was nothing.
Well, show me! Show me the kiss!
Okay, this is weird.
Okay, this is all
beginning to make sense.
You know, she goes off
and kisses a sitcom star,
and now she doesn't
wanna have my baby.
Gee, am I the biggest chump
in this whole scenario or what?
Okay.
Just think very carefully before
you make your next move.
Good thinking.
That was Stacey's.
I-I've gotta go have
a talk with my wife.
Okay. Good. Talking, good.
First I-I've gotta find
Bobby and kill him.
Killing, bad. Killing, no.
At least wait until
after the PSAs.
We'll get a bunch
of Hell's Angels
and stomp him and
kick him. It'll be fun!
Hey, this is Bobby Van Lowe
from the hit situation comedy Pals.
I wanna talk about
a serious issue:
teenagers and sex.
Now, obviously the
safest sex is none at all,
but, girls, if you're
going to have sex,
make sure that you have it
with... me, Bobby Van Lowe.
Okay. Cut.
Print. Let's move on.
What do you mean print it?
We can't use that.
Hey, Bill, come on.
It was funny. The crew laughed.
These spots are not
supposed to be funny.
But see, that's how it works
today in the youth market.
You pull them in with the
comedy and then make your point.
Yeah, okay, but his point was
that he wants to have
sex with teenage girls.
Oh, and like you don't, huh?
Come on. Hey. Yeah.
All right.
We're moving on to
the next thing here.
Actually, I get to ad lib a
lot of my stuff on my show.
Oh, I can tell, because
it really sounds like you.
Really? Yes.
Do you mind?
Step away from the actor.
Bob, listen...
I'm sorry about that last one.
Just trying to get loose.
Hey, hey, it was funny, man.
The crew laughed.
Listen, let me talk to you
seriously for a second.
I really need you to do these
the way that they're written.
Okay? And if you don't,
I'm gonna have to reach
into your chest
with my bare hand
and rip out your still beating
heart and show it to you, huh?
Good note, good note.
Okay. Good. All
right. Now you loose?
Yes. Yes. Yes.
I'm a little anxious
to get out of here too.
I gotta meet Amanda
back at the co-op
and sign the closing papers.
Okay. You know,
on that subject...
Listen, if you really wanna
have sex with a married woman...
Yeah?
Have it with my wife. Huh?
She's right there.
Huh? She likes you.
Hello?
Yeah. Hey.
Oh, hi.
Are you all done with the PSAs?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, Ned, you
know, he's really good.
Really creative.
Thanks for meeting me down here.
Just wanted to see what
the place looked like at night.
Well, it's darker. Yeah.
I guess the
electricity is turned off.
Nope.
Listen, I really wanna
get this paperwork done.
I gotta get home.
Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure.
You know, Amanda, I'm
crazy about this kitchen.
It's so... spacious and...
Oh, hey, champagne.
What do you know.
Bobby...
It's a good thing I
happen to always carry
these around with me.
Listen, about what
happened yesterday.
Yeah?
Um, It's not the worst thing
that could have
ever happened to me.
You know, you liking me isn't
too hard on the ego, you know?
Now I sense a big "but" coming.
There is a big "but."
His name is Eric.
I know. I know.
It's just that you and I, we...
We're kind of connected.
You know? We kind
of have this... This thing.
Ohh... Don't we?
Bobby, you are really
so sweet, but... no.
No. No thing.
No thing.
Oh, well.
No big thing.
Ah, how about a quick
toast, anyway, huh?
To celebrate my new place?
Sure. Why not.
Great.
Oh, we're gonna
be here all night.
Just give me that.
Consummating the deal?
Eric?
What are you doing here?
Oh, you're Eric.
We... We haven't met.
Bobby Van Lowe.
Oh, I know who you are, TV
boy, and let me tell you something.
You ever try kissing
my wife again,
you'll be delivering your lame
jokes through a breathing tube.
My jokes are lame?
I told the writers.
Oh, Eric...
Can we just...
Can we just talk
about this at home?
You don't wanna talk here?
No. Why not, Amanda?
What other sitcom star
do you got stashed away?
Who's in the closet?
Webster?
Who's upstairs,
McHale and his Navy?
Amanda? Bobby?
Jan, Marsha, Greg?
Over here, Alice.
Heeey. You know, Bobby Van
Lowe says... smoking ain't cool.
These are his cigarettes.
Oh. So Eric tracked
you guys down, eh?
Oh, yeah, he was here.
He yelled a lot.
Made me cry. And then
he yelled some more
and made Bobby cry.
And then Bobby said he didn't
want the apartment anymore.
There was too many bad memories.
So then Bobby left.
Eric left.
I didn't leave. I'm still here.
You know as drunken recaps
go, that was pretty informative.
C'mon, gotta take you home.
I left Stacey
downstairs with the car,
and when I left her there
were some angry winos
trying to squeegee her.
No!
No, no, no. I can't go home.
I've ruined everything.
I've ruined my whole life
just because I let some TV
guy kiss me for half a second.
Half a second!
Come on, Amanda.
No. No!
Come on.
Ned, can I ask you a question?
Okay.
Am I a pretty girl?
Yes, you're... You're...
You have pretty feet.
I remember when I was 16,
and I was at summer camp.
There was this lifeguard...
I was a virgin.
And we were in
this macramé class...
Hi. I'm Lowey Van Bob.
You know me as Bobby Van Loaded.
Hello again.
Hey. What are you
doing back here?
Well, you know, I...
I went home and...
I waited for you to
come crawling back and...
when that didn't happen...
I chose to return.
I'm sorry I made Bobby cry.
You believed me when I told you
that nothing happened between
Bobby and me, didn't you?
I never thought you were
having an affair with the guy.
I just wanna know
what's going on with you.
I mean, do you want a
career? Do you want a baby?
Do you want both?
Whatever it is you
want, I'll help you.
You just have to tell
me what you want.
Rico, pick me.
I'm ovulating.
Eric, I-I don't
know what I want.
I don't even know why
this whole stupid thing
even happened, you know?
All I know is that I
want for you to love me.
Do you?
Hey, I love you.
I am so sorry. Okay?
I love you. Come here.
Hello?
Oh, hey, guys.
Hey, Stace.
I am so glad you
guys are making up.
I have been feeling
so badly about this.
Bobby was obviously
using Amanda to get to me.
I forgive you, Stacey.
So... So where's Ned?
There are people
living in his car.
He's, uh, passed out, drunk.
Oh, that's too bad.
So ready to go?
Stacey, could... Could
you take him home?
Sure.
Thanks.
Bye.
Bye.
Look. Look. I'm a
well-dressed sea turtle.
All right, okay, buddy.
All right. Come on.
Let's get home, sailor.
Come on.
Hey, do you think I'm pretty?
No, that's not a bearing wall,
so you could knock it down
and turn the two rooms
into one master suite.
Uh-huh. That would be cool, huh?
One large bedroom.
Yeah.
What about this pillar here?
What about it?
Can I knock it down?
Um... Yeah.
Sure.
Great.
So, you want the place or not?