Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 1, Episode 20 - Gut Feeling - full transcript
Ned and Eric bump heads over who is going to be Leonard the Rodeo Clown at Howard's birthday party. Ned is determined to reprise the role, despite having issues with his gallbladder. Amanda and Eric try to schedule a time to create another baby during her time of peak fertility. Ned has to go to hospital for routine surgery after his issues finally catch up with him. Stacey manages to find Ned after he goes missing in the hospital and helps him get over his concerns about the possibilities of a botched surgery.
- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?
It was business.
Strictly business.
Here's the deal.
To get the promotion,
I needed the wife.
See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So, what the hell, we
up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common?
We irritate each other. Right.
Enjoy the show.
I'm telling you, Stace,
this month is the month.
I am gonna get pregnant
or Eric is gonna die trying.
This ovulation
chart is so exact.
Hm.
Ooh, according to this,
your peak fertility time
is tomorrow night
between 7:30 and 8.
Really?
Shoot.
That's when Jeopardy's on.
Well, actually, if Eric
keeps his head down
I could still see the TV.
What are you lookin' at?
God, this system puts so
much pressure on poor Eric.
What happens if the
perfect time comes around
and he's not, you
know, ready to perform?
Ah, well, you see, I cut
him off three weeks ago.
He's ready to perform
when the wind blows.
Boy, it's good and
windy out there.
Come on, come on.
Good evening, ladies.
Oh, listen, uh, got something
special for the birthday boy.
Picked up a little gift
for little man Howie.
Oh, what is it, Ned?
A hand grenade?
A blow-up doll?
No, it's none of those things.
It happens to be
a book that meant
quite a bit to me, growing up.
Are You There, God?
It's Me, Margaret.
This book got me
through some tough times.
Ned, isn't that a girl's book?
Hey! The last guy said that
got his moon pie
stomped into dust.
Well, anyway, thank you
for the birthday gift, Ned,
strangely inappropriate,
though it may be.
And thank both of
you for letting us use
your apartment tomorrow
for Howard's birthday party.
Sure. It's gonna be fun.
Yes'um. No problem.
Gonna go home tonight,
get the old rodeo
clown suit down.
Can't wait.
Leonard the Rodeo
Clown rides again.
Say, Ned, you know...
last year at Howard's party,
you were the clown and, uh...
well, you were... You
were a good clown.
A funny clown.
Just, I was thinking
that maybe this year...
I'd be the clown.
Let me tell you something.
I'm Leonard the Rodeo Clown.
You are Bobar the Magician.
Leave it alone.
Come on, Ned, I
don't want to be Bobar.
I wanna be the clown.
I'm Leonard the Rodeo Clo...
Ned?
Ned?
No, hey, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to lash out.
I have anger issues.
Ned, are you okay? I'm fine.
No, you're not fine.
He has been having pains
in his chest for two weeks,
but he's way too smart
to go see a doctor.
Chest pains for two weeks,
and you haven't seen a doctor?
What are you waiting for?
Something to gnaw its
way outta your stomach
and skitter across the table?
Hey, I happen to be
perfectly in touch with my body
and I am fully apprised of
every pain and sensation
and what it means to me.
Okay? Ah. Okay.
There, right there,
that one right there:
pancreas backwashing
itself, uh-huh.
Does it every other Tuesday.
Way to go! Rock 'n' roll!
Ned. Ned, it's Friday.
In that case...
it's a baby kicking.
Stacey, thanks for letting
us use the apartment.
I know how ten kids
throwing around cake
and ice cream can
really trash a place.
Well, you can't
do it at your place
while they're fumigating.
Fumigating?
Oh, oh, right, right.
We got all kinds of pests:
water bugs, roaches,
Newt Gingrich, you know.
Don't you worry,
Stace, we're gonna have
the little monkeys sugared
up and outta here by 5:00.
Yeah, 'cause at 7:30,
me and the missus
gotta get down to
some baby-making!
Won't it be smelly?
Huh? What?
From the fumigating.
Uh... Hmm.
Well, yeah, yeah,
but then there won't
be so many flies around.
Hello, everyone.
Oh, this place looks festive.
Look at this.
Getting ready for a party here.
You know, I was thinkin',
probably hang the
piñata right about here.
Stacey, start
swallowing that candy.
Oh, Ned, so like a child we are.
Oh, look at this.
It looks like someone
went to the Ouch-Ouch Man.
What'd he say?
Oh, he just gave me a
prescription for the pain.
So, uh, take 60 before bedtime,
I'll feel better in the morning.
Ha! Ooh.
Actually, it's, uh...
it's my gall bladder.
Apparently, it's become
militant and aggressive
and is planning to invade
the neighboring organs.
Hey, a gall bladder
is pretty serious, Ned.
Honey, didn't your
uncle die from that?
Well, technically, no.
The pain was so intense,
he ran out into the street
and was dragged for two
miles by a bakery truck.
There you go. A perfectly
good alternative to surgery.
Ned, you need surgery?
Well, yeah, if you believe
the scalpel-happy
freak I saw this morning,
or the three
gastro-interologists
that I saw this afternoon.
I know what their game is.
They gather in the morning,
around cigarettes and
coffee, pick out a victim.
Oh, yeah.
You just keep doubling over
in pain every five minutes.
That'll show 'em.
Okay, kids, now watch closely
because the hand is
quicker than the eye,
and vice versa.
Now, an ordinary deck
of ordinary playing cards.
Perfectly ordinary,
only eight times
bigger than ordinary.
A little magic humor.
Okay. Now, my lovely
assistant, uh, Ferdalina,
will...
ask a volunteer
from the audience
to pick a card,
any card...
Hey, hey, hey, is your
name on the cake, pal?
Pick a card, honey.
Thanks, Mommy.
Okay.
Now I will astound
and amaze you with...
No, no, no. Don't...
Don't shuffle the cards.
Well, what is the trick
if you don't shuffle?
Daddy, can't you find my card?
Well, uh... no, Howard, I can't.
Sometimes in life, you
have to take a deep breath
and realize that...
Mommy ruined your trick.
Oh, oh. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Little girl, this is not a toy.
It's a very expensive
com-pu-ter.
Why don't you go and
watch the magic show?
But I'm not finished
reconfiguring
your auto. ex dot bat file.
And I'm still tweaking
on your config. dot com.
But hey, you're the adult.
Oh, wait. How do
you exit out of this?
Little girl?
Sprinkle some magic
dust over Mr. Tweety,
and hocus-pocus, watch ameedi
disappear Mr. Tweety.
Ha-ha. Oh.
Daddy, you killed the bird.
Eww!!
No, no, no. Oh, no, no, no.
No, he's fine. He's fine.
Look, see, he's
happy. How you doing?
I'm fine. I'm just happy.
Make him stop! Make him stop!
Aah! Ewww!
No, no, no, kids.
Don't cry. It's
just a dead bird.
You know, every time you bite
into a yummy piece
of fried chicken,
you're really just tearing
the flesh from a dead bird,
just like Tweety.
Eww!
Stacey, do us all a favor.
Have your tubes tied.
Uh-oh. Is it...?
Yes, I think it is.
Hey, you guys, let's
give a big, warm welcome
to everyone's favorite
sociopathic clown...
Bronco Leonard.
Yay!
Oh, come on, Benny, come on.
Ooh.
Well, like you and me,
Benny's gotta do some business.
We call that, throwin'
the stinky Frisbee.
Come on! Yee-haw! Yee-haw!
All righty!
I'll park my buffalo
right on over here.
Hello, little pardners.
Hi, Bronco Leonard!
Ah. You know,
I've been breathin'
the trail dust all day.
Feel like I'm gonna
sneeze a little bit. Like...
ah-choo!
Aah!
Ned. Ned. Maybe you
should call this thing off.
No, come on.
I'm puttin' on a
show for the kids.
Daddy, what's wrong
with Bronco Leonard?
Oh, no. Now, kids,
everything's okay.
Bronco Leonard's just
showing us what happens
if you don't take care
of your diseased organs.
Y'all, let's turn those
frowns upside down
into smiles, with everybody's
favorite, balloon animals.
Yay!
Ah, balloon animals!
Yeah, one, two, three, four...
♪ Balloons in the
morning Balloons at noon ♪
♪ Balloons at suppertime ♪
♪ Balloon animals... ♪
Now he's got one less leg.
Uh...
That's a Chernobyl dog.
Yeah, take him to a... groomer.
Yeah. Okay.
Now I'll make somebody
a hairless sailor named Toby.
Aah! Oh!
In the name of all
that's good and holy,
cut this demon out of me!
Get him off of me!
Please! Somebody!
Get him off of me!
Hey. Give me that!
Hey.
Joke's on you.
I swallowed all the mercury.
Ha-ha.
Ned, these people
are trying to help you.
Don't scare another one away.
Yeah, right.
I know how it works around here.
They pull out a healthy organ,
file off the serial number
and sell it at the county fair.
Miss, are we close
to sedating him?
No, no. Gonna keep my wits
about me in this meat house.
Ow! Oh. Oh.
Usually not without
dinner and drinks.
Oh.
He should be less
annoying in a few minutes.
I'll see you in hell.
Go ahead, Ned,
complain all you want,
but come tomorrow,
Bronco Leonard's
gonna be a-ridin' without
his trusty gall bladder.
T'ain't gonna happen.
I've hidden it between my lungs.
Ned, before you
get too delirious,
you should sign
these consent forms.
They need to know who
will make a decision in case,
you know, you end
up on life support.
Ned, don't worry.
We will not let you
linger on some machine.
No, no. You let me linger.
Why would you want to linger?
Hey, I like lingering.
Okay, fine. We'll keep
you on the machine.
Oh, come on, now.
The operation's gonna
go off without a hitch.
By the way, Ned, have
you made out a will?
What?
Well, you know,
just in case you...
die, or something of that ilk.
All your assets
automatically go to... Stacey.
Eric, please, let's
not... I get everything?
Excuse me.
Hold up. So wait a minute,
like, I would get the
whole apartment?
Yeah, the apartment,
stocks, bonds, everything.
Could I have the Lifecycle?
I want the Lifecycle.
You're not gonna use it.
Yes, I will. I wanna
get into shape.
Excuse me.
Krystle, Alexis.
If the two of you greedy...
something something...
Insult to come.
I know it's weird, but I
really love cafeteria food.
Oh, yeah. There's
nothing quite like
prime rib served with a ladle.
Eric, you hardly
touched anything.
I was sitting behind the guy
in the open hospital gown.
I was okay until
he dropped his fork.
Oh, shoot. Eric.
It's almost 7:30.
So?
Well, let's go. We don't
wanna miss Jeopardy.
Why not?
Because it's on from
7:30 to 8, tonight only.
No, no. It's on every night.
Let me give you a hint.
What is, "Knock me up, stupid?"
Oh, right.
Huh? Huh?
Where's Mr. Dorsey?
We thought you had him.
I don't have him.
We don't have him.
I'll tell the supervisor.
I cannot believe him.
He's still trying to
get out of the surgery.
Wait, it's okay. He's
still in the hospital.
He wouldn't leave without
his little rubber nose.
Well, I guess we should
start looking for him.
Ah-ha. Stacey.
We have an appointment
with Alex Trebek.
Oh, oh. Come on, guys.
This is really serious.
Ned could have
another attack and die
in some godforsaken
broom closet.
Stacey, um, look at it this way.
Eric and I will be
creating a new life.
If Ned dies, it's a push.
Ned?
Ned? Ned?
Can I help you?
Ah, no, no.
Just, uh... hi.
Um... my husband disappeared,
and he's supposed to have
surgery tomorrow.
Are you single?
♪ Gray skies Are
gonna clear up ♪
♪ Put on a happy face ♪
Everybody!
Ned?
♪ Wipe off that
frown and cheer up ♪
♪ Put on a happy face ♪
Ned?
Who is it?
Ned, what are
you doing in there?
I just thought I'd pick
out a drawer for myself.
You know what they say.
Location, location, location.
Just come out of there, okay?
Hey, I don't rush you
when you're shopping.
Ned, you are so ridiculous.
You are just going in
for a routine procedure.
Routine procedure.
Well, let's just explain
that to Stanley over here.
He was in for a routine
heart, lung and liver transplant.
Hmm.
So... that is a major operation.
Huh. What about Jack?
Came in for an appendectomy.
Now he's laid out
with no intestines.
And Lorraine, over there,
she was just visiting the
gift shop, for God sakes.
Okay, Ned,
you seem pretty
sure you're gonna die,
so why have the surgery at all?
Why don't you just stay here?
You seem to know everybody.
They won't let me stay here.
You have to be
dead to stay here.
Policy.
Ned, stop this.
You are not gonna die tomorrow.
I don't know that, Stacey,
and you don't, either.
We don't have any
control over that.
Well... I hate to break
it to you, my friend,
but you can't
control everything.
Been learning that lesson
since the day I met you, Missy.
Oh, so now this is my fault.
Well, no, it's not your fault.
It's just, you know, I
had this... career problem.
Needed a wife to get a
promotion, married you,
thought everything would
be neat, tidy. But it's not.
It's un-neat, un-tidy,
and you're just this force.
You're there, looming over me.
Constant, unyielding.
No matter how much
I resist or struggle,
there you are.
You're death.
I am not death!
You take that back.
Ya know, I thought you looked
familiar when I first met ya.
Okay. Okay, fine.
You stay here
with your little pals.
I am going back to
the Land of the Living,
so to speak.
Well, not so to speak.
Apparently, someone
never learned the meaning
of the phrase. "No
running in the hallways."
Now you take me back to my room
and you walk me
back down here, mister.
Okay, let's do the
transfer in three.
One...
Well, we'll work on that.
Don't you work at Papaya King?
Only on weekends.
All right. I'm gonna put
the mask on your face now.
Don't need it, don't want it.
Got the strength of 10 men.
Just count backwards from 99.
99...
Good. Good.
Okay, we're almost home.
Pressure's dropping!
Code blue.
50 cc's of epinephrine.
Ready to defrib.
Clear.
Ned. Ned.
Come toward the light, Ned.
Ned, come toward the light.
Come to me.
We'll be together
for all eternity.
Noooo!
Wait a minute.
He's coming back.
My God, his pulse
is stronger than ever.
He's so cute when he sleeps.
Why does his face
keep twitching?
He's probably dreaming
about chasing a squirrel.
Oh... Aah!
Aah!
Oh.
Oh, I guess I survived
the surgery and didn't die.
Nope. Disappointed?
Well, that depends.
What'd you bring me?
Uh... we... uh, brought you
a box of Red Hots.
Those are from both of us.
Thank you.
Hug me?
Glad you made it, pal.
Ned, we wanted to
stay till you woke up.
We gotta run home.
We're throwing a
little makeup party
for Howard and his friends.
Except for that
little kid you mauled.
He's still under sedation.
We'll see you.
Bye-bye.
Rico. Yeah?
Take the clown suit.
Really?
Go with God, Bronco Leonard.
Thanks, Ned.
I get to be Bronco Leonard.
I brought you something, too.
Are you there, God?
It's me, Margaret.
Would you read to me?
Sure.
No, no. Not from that one.
Uh...
read from this one.
"She arched her back.
Her breasts heaved,
straining against
the taut fabric
of her negligee."
You know, last year,
Ned, at Howard's party,
you were the clown, and...
you were a good clown... You...
You were a funny clown.
Just thinking,
maybe this year...
I'd be the clown.
Rico... I'm Bronco Leonard,
Rodeo Clown.
You... are Bobar the Magician.
Hey, come on, Ned,
I don't want to be Bobar.
I wanna be the clown.
And, darn it,
I'm gonna be the clown.
Say goodbye to your heartbeat.
Are you ready?
All ready.
That was easy.
- Why Ned?
It was business.
Strictly business.
Here's the deal.
To get the promotion,
I needed the wife.
See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So, what the hell, we
up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common?
We irritate each other. Right.
Enjoy the show.
I'm telling you, Stace,
this month is the month.
I am gonna get pregnant
or Eric is gonna die trying.
This ovulation
chart is so exact.
Hm.
Ooh, according to this,
your peak fertility time
is tomorrow night
between 7:30 and 8.
Really?
Shoot.
That's when Jeopardy's on.
Well, actually, if Eric
keeps his head down
I could still see the TV.
What are you lookin' at?
God, this system puts so
much pressure on poor Eric.
What happens if the
perfect time comes around
and he's not, you
know, ready to perform?
Ah, well, you see, I cut
him off three weeks ago.
He's ready to perform
when the wind blows.
Boy, it's good and
windy out there.
Come on, come on.
Good evening, ladies.
Oh, listen, uh, got something
special for the birthday boy.
Picked up a little gift
for little man Howie.
Oh, what is it, Ned?
A hand grenade?
A blow-up doll?
No, it's none of those things.
It happens to be
a book that meant
quite a bit to me, growing up.
Are You There, God?
It's Me, Margaret.
This book got me
through some tough times.
Ned, isn't that a girl's book?
Hey! The last guy said that
got his moon pie
stomped into dust.
Well, anyway, thank you
for the birthday gift, Ned,
strangely inappropriate,
though it may be.
And thank both of
you for letting us use
your apartment tomorrow
for Howard's birthday party.
Sure. It's gonna be fun.
Yes'um. No problem.
Gonna go home tonight,
get the old rodeo
clown suit down.
Can't wait.
Leonard the Rodeo
Clown rides again.
Say, Ned, you know...
last year at Howard's party,
you were the clown and, uh...
well, you were... You
were a good clown.
A funny clown.
Just, I was thinking
that maybe this year...
I'd be the clown.
Let me tell you something.
I'm Leonard the Rodeo Clown.
You are Bobar the Magician.
Leave it alone.
Come on, Ned, I
don't want to be Bobar.
I wanna be the clown.
I'm Leonard the Rodeo Clo...
Ned?
Ned?
No, hey, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to lash out.
I have anger issues.
Ned, are you okay? I'm fine.
No, you're not fine.
He has been having pains
in his chest for two weeks,
but he's way too smart
to go see a doctor.
Chest pains for two weeks,
and you haven't seen a doctor?
What are you waiting for?
Something to gnaw its
way outta your stomach
and skitter across the table?
Hey, I happen to be
perfectly in touch with my body
and I am fully apprised of
every pain and sensation
and what it means to me.
Okay? Ah. Okay.
There, right there,
that one right there:
pancreas backwashing
itself, uh-huh.
Does it every other Tuesday.
Way to go! Rock 'n' roll!
Ned. Ned, it's Friday.
In that case...
it's a baby kicking.
Stacey, thanks for letting
us use the apartment.
I know how ten kids
throwing around cake
and ice cream can
really trash a place.
Well, you can't
do it at your place
while they're fumigating.
Fumigating?
Oh, oh, right, right.
We got all kinds of pests:
water bugs, roaches,
Newt Gingrich, you know.
Don't you worry,
Stace, we're gonna have
the little monkeys sugared
up and outta here by 5:00.
Yeah, 'cause at 7:30,
me and the missus
gotta get down to
some baby-making!
Won't it be smelly?
Huh? What?
From the fumigating.
Uh... Hmm.
Well, yeah, yeah,
but then there won't
be so many flies around.
Hello, everyone.
Oh, this place looks festive.
Look at this.
Getting ready for a party here.
You know, I was thinkin',
probably hang the
piñata right about here.
Stacey, start
swallowing that candy.
Oh, Ned, so like a child we are.
Oh, look at this.
It looks like someone
went to the Ouch-Ouch Man.
What'd he say?
Oh, he just gave me a
prescription for the pain.
So, uh, take 60 before bedtime,
I'll feel better in the morning.
Ha! Ooh.
Actually, it's, uh...
it's my gall bladder.
Apparently, it's become
militant and aggressive
and is planning to invade
the neighboring organs.
Hey, a gall bladder
is pretty serious, Ned.
Honey, didn't your
uncle die from that?
Well, technically, no.
The pain was so intense,
he ran out into the street
and was dragged for two
miles by a bakery truck.
There you go. A perfectly
good alternative to surgery.
Ned, you need surgery?
Well, yeah, if you believe
the scalpel-happy
freak I saw this morning,
or the three
gastro-interologists
that I saw this afternoon.
I know what their game is.
They gather in the morning,
around cigarettes and
coffee, pick out a victim.
Oh, yeah.
You just keep doubling over
in pain every five minutes.
That'll show 'em.
Okay, kids, now watch closely
because the hand is
quicker than the eye,
and vice versa.
Now, an ordinary deck
of ordinary playing cards.
Perfectly ordinary,
only eight times
bigger than ordinary.
A little magic humor.
Okay. Now, my lovely
assistant, uh, Ferdalina,
will...
ask a volunteer
from the audience
to pick a card,
any card...
Hey, hey, hey, is your
name on the cake, pal?
Pick a card, honey.
Thanks, Mommy.
Okay.
Now I will astound
and amaze you with...
No, no, no. Don't...
Don't shuffle the cards.
Well, what is the trick
if you don't shuffle?
Daddy, can't you find my card?
Well, uh... no, Howard, I can't.
Sometimes in life, you
have to take a deep breath
and realize that...
Mommy ruined your trick.
Oh, oh. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Little girl, this is not a toy.
It's a very expensive
com-pu-ter.
Why don't you go and
watch the magic show?
But I'm not finished
reconfiguring
your auto. ex dot bat file.
And I'm still tweaking
on your config. dot com.
But hey, you're the adult.
Oh, wait. How do
you exit out of this?
Little girl?
Sprinkle some magic
dust over Mr. Tweety,
and hocus-pocus, watch ameedi
disappear Mr. Tweety.
Ha-ha. Oh.
Daddy, you killed the bird.
Eww!!
No, no, no. Oh, no, no, no.
No, he's fine. He's fine.
Look, see, he's
happy. How you doing?
I'm fine. I'm just happy.
Make him stop! Make him stop!
Aah! Ewww!
No, no, no, kids.
Don't cry. It's
just a dead bird.
You know, every time you bite
into a yummy piece
of fried chicken,
you're really just tearing
the flesh from a dead bird,
just like Tweety.
Eww!
Stacey, do us all a favor.
Have your tubes tied.
Uh-oh. Is it...?
Yes, I think it is.
Hey, you guys, let's
give a big, warm welcome
to everyone's favorite
sociopathic clown...
Bronco Leonard.
Yay!
Oh, come on, Benny, come on.
Ooh.
Well, like you and me,
Benny's gotta do some business.
We call that, throwin'
the stinky Frisbee.
Come on! Yee-haw! Yee-haw!
All righty!
I'll park my buffalo
right on over here.
Hello, little pardners.
Hi, Bronco Leonard!
Ah. You know,
I've been breathin'
the trail dust all day.
Feel like I'm gonna
sneeze a little bit. Like...
ah-choo!
Aah!
Ned. Ned. Maybe you
should call this thing off.
No, come on.
I'm puttin' on a
show for the kids.
Daddy, what's wrong
with Bronco Leonard?
Oh, no. Now, kids,
everything's okay.
Bronco Leonard's just
showing us what happens
if you don't take care
of your diseased organs.
Y'all, let's turn those
frowns upside down
into smiles, with everybody's
favorite, balloon animals.
Yay!
Ah, balloon animals!
Yeah, one, two, three, four...
♪ Balloons in the
morning Balloons at noon ♪
♪ Balloons at suppertime ♪
♪ Balloon animals... ♪
Now he's got one less leg.
Uh...
That's a Chernobyl dog.
Yeah, take him to a... groomer.
Yeah. Okay.
Now I'll make somebody
a hairless sailor named Toby.
Aah! Oh!
In the name of all
that's good and holy,
cut this demon out of me!
Get him off of me!
Please! Somebody!
Get him off of me!
Hey. Give me that!
Hey.
Joke's on you.
I swallowed all the mercury.
Ha-ha.
Ned, these people
are trying to help you.
Don't scare another one away.
Yeah, right.
I know how it works around here.
They pull out a healthy organ,
file off the serial number
and sell it at the county fair.
Miss, are we close
to sedating him?
No, no. Gonna keep my wits
about me in this meat house.
Ow! Oh. Oh.
Usually not without
dinner and drinks.
Oh.
He should be less
annoying in a few minutes.
I'll see you in hell.
Go ahead, Ned,
complain all you want,
but come tomorrow,
Bronco Leonard's
gonna be a-ridin' without
his trusty gall bladder.
T'ain't gonna happen.
I've hidden it between my lungs.
Ned, before you
get too delirious,
you should sign
these consent forms.
They need to know who
will make a decision in case,
you know, you end
up on life support.
Ned, don't worry.
We will not let you
linger on some machine.
No, no. You let me linger.
Why would you want to linger?
Hey, I like lingering.
Okay, fine. We'll keep
you on the machine.
Oh, come on, now.
The operation's gonna
go off without a hitch.
By the way, Ned, have
you made out a will?
What?
Well, you know,
just in case you...
die, or something of that ilk.
All your assets
automatically go to... Stacey.
Eric, please, let's
not... I get everything?
Excuse me.
Hold up. So wait a minute,
like, I would get the
whole apartment?
Yeah, the apartment,
stocks, bonds, everything.
Could I have the Lifecycle?
I want the Lifecycle.
You're not gonna use it.
Yes, I will. I wanna
get into shape.
Excuse me.
Krystle, Alexis.
If the two of you greedy...
something something...
Insult to come.
I know it's weird, but I
really love cafeteria food.
Oh, yeah. There's
nothing quite like
prime rib served with a ladle.
Eric, you hardly
touched anything.
I was sitting behind the guy
in the open hospital gown.
I was okay until
he dropped his fork.
Oh, shoot. Eric.
It's almost 7:30.
So?
Well, let's go. We don't
wanna miss Jeopardy.
Why not?
Because it's on from
7:30 to 8, tonight only.
No, no. It's on every night.
Let me give you a hint.
What is, "Knock me up, stupid?"
Oh, right.
Huh? Huh?
Where's Mr. Dorsey?
We thought you had him.
I don't have him.
We don't have him.
I'll tell the supervisor.
I cannot believe him.
He's still trying to
get out of the surgery.
Wait, it's okay. He's
still in the hospital.
He wouldn't leave without
his little rubber nose.
Well, I guess we should
start looking for him.
Ah-ha. Stacey.
We have an appointment
with Alex Trebek.
Oh, oh. Come on, guys.
This is really serious.
Ned could have
another attack and die
in some godforsaken
broom closet.
Stacey, um, look at it this way.
Eric and I will be
creating a new life.
If Ned dies, it's a push.
Ned?
Ned? Ned?
Can I help you?
Ah, no, no.
Just, uh... hi.
Um... my husband disappeared,
and he's supposed to have
surgery tomorrow.
Are you single?
♪ Gray skies Are
gonna clear up ♪
♪ Put on a happy face ♪
Everybody!
Ned?
♪ Wipe off that
frown and cheer up ♪
♪ Put on a happy face ♪
Ned?
Who is it?
Ned, what are
you doing in there?
I just thought I'd pick
out a drawer for myself.
You know what they say.
Location, location, location.
Just come out of there, okay?
Hey, I don't rush you
when you're shopping.
Ned, you are so ridiculous.
You are just going in
for a routine procedure.
Routine procedure.
Well, let's just explain
that to Stanley over here.
He was in for a routine
heart, lung and liver transplant.
Hmm.
So... that is a major operation.
Huh. What about Jack?
Came in for an appendectomy.
Now he's laid out
with no intestines.
And Lorraine, over there,
she was just visiting the
gift shop, for God sakes.
Okay, Ned,
you seem pretty
sure you're gonna die,
so why have the surgery at all?
Why don't you just stay here?
You seem to know everybody.
They won't let me stay here.
You have to be
dead to stay here.
Policy.
Ned, stop this.
You are not gonna die tomorrow.
I don't know that, Stacey,
and you don't, either.
We don't have any
control over that.
Well... I hate to break
it to you, my friend,
but you can't
control everything.
Been learning that lesson
since the day I met you, Missy.
Oh, so now this is my fault.
Well, no, it's not your fault.
It's just, you know, I
had this... career problem.
Needed a wife to get a
promotion, married you,
thought everything would
be neat, tidy. But it's not.
It's un-neat, un-tidy,
and you're just this force.
You're there, looming over me.
Constant, unyielding.
No matter how much
I resist or struggle,
there you are.
You're death.
I am not death!
You take that back.
Ya know, I thought you looked
familiar when I first met ya.
Okay. Okay, fine.
You stay here
with your little pals.
I am going back to
the Land of the Living,
so to speak.
Well, not so to speak.
Apparently, someone
never learned the meaning
of the phrase. "No
running in the hallways."
Now you take me back to my room
and you walk me
back down here, mister.
Okay, let's do the
transfer in three.
One...
Well, we'll work on that.
Don't you work at Papaya King?
Only on weekends.
All right. I'm gonna put
the mask on your face now.
Don't need it, don't want it.
Got the strength of 10 men.
Just count backwards from 99.
99...
Good. Good.
Okay, we're almost home.
Pressure's dropping!
Code blue.
50 cc's of epinephrine.
Ready to defrib.
Clear.
Ned. Ned.
Come toward the light, Ned.
Ned, come toward the light.
Come to me.
We'll be together
for all eternity.
Noooo!
Wait a minute.
He's coming back.
My God, his pulse
is stronger than ever.
He's so cute when he sleeps.
Why does his face
keep twitching?
He's probably dreaming
about chasing a squirrel.
Oh... Aah!
Aah!
Oh.
Oh, I guess I survived
the surgery and didn't die.
Nope. Disappointed?
Well, that depends.
What'd you bring me?
Uh... we... uh, brought you
a box of Red Hots.
Those are from both of us.
Thank you.
Hug me?
Glad you made it, pal.
Ned, we wanted to
stay till you woke up.
We gotta run home.
We're throwing a
little makeup party
for Howard and his friends.
Except for that
little kid you mauled.
He's still under sedation.
We'll see you.
Bye-bye.
Rico. Yeah?
Take the clown suit.
Really?
Go with God, Bronco Leonard.
Thanks, Ned.
I get to be Bronco Leonard.
I brought you something, too.
Are you there, God?
It's me, Margaret.
Would you read to me?
Sure.
No, no. Not from that one.
Uh...
read from this one.
"She arched her back.
Her breasts heaved,
straining against
the taut fabric
of her negligee."
You know, last year,
Ned, at Howard's party,
you were the clown, and...
you were a good clown... You...
You were a funny clown.
Just thinking,
maybe this year...
I'd be the clown.
Rico... I'm Bronco Leonard,
Rodeo Clown.
You... are Bobar the Magician.
Hey, come on, Ned,
I don't want to be Bobar.
I wanna be the clown.
And, darn it,
I'm gonna be the clown.
Say goodbye to your heartbeat.
Are you ready?
All ready.
That was easy.