Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 1, Episode 19 - The Gay Caballeros - full transcript

Ned!

Ned.

Ned. Ned, Ned, Ned, Ned.

What?

Listen, can I borrow
your white shirt?

Which one?

Um... this one.

Stacey, I've asked
you repeatedly

to stay out of my room.

Look, I was just
being considerate.

Remember you told
me not to bother you



when you're taking
your bubble bath.

That is true.

However, I've asked you
to stay out of my closet.

My clothes can't run
away. It's not fair to them.

Oh, come on.

I just came in this one time.

Oh, really?

Wasn't it you, Miss Colbert,

who not a week
ago entered my room

to take laundry quarters

off of the home
entertainment center?!

How did you know?

I-I replaced all of them.

I even put them



in the perfect little
stacks you like.

Aha!

But not in the order
of their date of minting.

1993... Oh, yeah...

'66, '84, '78!

This is madness. Get out!

Okay, okay.

Jeez.

It's okay, babies.
The bad lady is gone.

- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?

It was business.
Strictly business.

Here's the deal.

To get the promotion,
I needed the wife.

See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.

So, what the hell, we
up and got married.

The only thing we
have in common?

We irritate each other. Right.

Enjoy the show.

As we pan across this
line of beautiful models,

all wearing the Brent
Barrow collection,

women are on one side,
men are on the other.

Uh, all the backs
are to the camera?

That is correct, sir.

However, and get
ready for goosebumps...

Well, I'm always
ready for goosebumps.

The models turn around,
the women are wearing

the men's clothes, the
men wearing the women's.

Intriguing.

And then, a deep sexy
voice, not unlike my very own,

Says, "Brent Barrow.

His clothes look
good on anyone."

Hmm... A goosebump or two.

There they are.
Right on schedule.

Well, it looks like I
made the right choice,

starting the new year
off by switching agencies.

You're living up
to your reputation,

Mr. Dorsey.

Hey, I sued Hard
Copy, and I won.

Here's a copy of
the storyboards.

Have a look. Give me your ideas,

Give me your thoughts.

I can give you my
thoughts right now.

When can we shoot this?

10 a.m. Monday, Astoria Studios,

drive-on at the
main gate for you

and a refrigerator
full of walleroos.

Ah, already set it up.
Aren't we confident?

Yes, we are.

Confident, smart, charming.

You're quite the
package, Ned Dorsey.

Oh, if I could find
a man like you,

my life would be complete.

You're gay?

A gay fashion designer?

Do the other designers know?

Yes, and they were shocked!

Uh...

Listen, Ned, I've just
become a part owner

in a little bistro
down in Tribeca.

I'd love it if you and the
missus would drop by,

have dinner tonight, on me.

On you?

Can I bring my church group?

Sure.

I love hymns.

Oh, that is funny stuff.

Funny, good, gay-oriented humor.

See you tonight. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Have you had these dumplings?

They're incredible.

No, we haven't had the chance,

what with the multi-tentacled
hydra at our table.

Oh, excuse me.

We're still waiting for
more stuffed mushrooms.

Why don't you just eat the ones

that are in your purse.

Stop it.

I skipped lunch.

Besides, the food's
free. Right, Ned?

Yes it is, Elly May.

Oh, the men's room is amazing.

There's gold urinals.
There's a fountain.

Pass me the water. I wanna
go again before we leave.

So how's everybody doing?

How do you like the place?

Be honest. I can take it.

Oh, Brent, I think you got

a winner here, huh,
everybody, huh?

Here, here. It's terrific.

Food's great.

And what planet are
these waiters from, Brent?

God, every one is just this big,
chiseled hunk of gorgeousness.

My God, there goes another one.

Ah, honey, I'll be over
here when you're done.

I know.

Uh, don't worry, Eric.

Most of these fellows
play on my team.

Oh, oh, so you... You got

a softball team, huh?

Well, you know, I've been...

I've been told I'm a
pretty good catcher.

Honey, I-I think Brent was
referring to another team.

Oh, oh, so you... You bowl?

Rico, Rico, Rico.

Easy, babe.

Brent is a ho-mo-sex-u-al.

Oh. Oh, well, that's...
That's, uh... Tha-that's great.

Uh, good... Good luck with that.

Eric, stop now. It'll be fine.

I'll... I'll stop.

Oh, Brent. Ned
showed me pictures

of your new
line. It's fantastic.

Oh, well, thank you, thank you.

Can you, like, get
people a discount on stuff?

Why don't you just ask the
man for some spare change.

I've got a better idea.

Why don't you and
Amanda come down,

pick up some samples.

Now? No, no.

No, no. I meant another day.

Well, I'll tell you what.

I'll send my driver for
you on Friday at noon.

He can take you
down to the warehouse,

and you can have a
good rummage through.

What do you think?

Works for me.

Yeah. Great.

All right with you

if I borrow the wife, Ned?

Hell, for 10 bucks you
can own her outright.

Stop embarrassing me, Ned.

Ouch. Evidently, the
honeymoon is over.

I don't know why
I put up with him.

Well, if you ever stop, I'll
take him off your hands.

Really?

Do you have cable?

And pulleys.

Well, I've gotta
go and play host.

Don't forget about my
little Mardi gras party

on Friday night.

There'll be more free food.

Do we love this man, or what?

Why can't straight men
be, I don't know, more gay?

Well, darlin',

if they knew you, they would be.

Oh, here we go.

Oh, oh, look out.

Oh, God, I still
can't believe it.

I felt like I was in
one of those dreams

where they close
Bloomingdale's for an hour,

and I can pick out
anything I want.

Only an hour?

Sounds more like a nightmare!

Oh, Brent, I still
wish you would let me

give you something
for these clothes.

Oh, no, no, no.

Don't be silly.

Whew. I had to say that.

Listen, I'm really sorry

I knocked that employee down,

but he was so in the way.

I must say, you girls did
make some bold choices.

Yeah. Thank God you talked me
out of getting that sensible pant suit.

You can find that anywhere.

This dress is a work of art.

You saw how great Naomi
Campbell looked in it in that picture.

Yeah, well, since
I had the baby,

people have stopped
mistaking me for her

on the street.

So, uh, where should I
put these things for Ned?

Oh, just stick them in his
room. Down the hall on the left.

Right-oh.

Do you think I could
get runway work?

Yeah, at the airport.

I'm telling you. I
can pull this off.

I just don't have
shoes to go with it.

Well, gee, Stacey,

why don't you ask Brent

to give you money
for some shoes.

You think?

I just put the clothes
in Ned's closet.

Uh-huh.

In his bedroom.

Uh-huh.

Separate bedrooms.

How Noel Coward.

Um...

We do that because
one of us snores.

Which one?

Actually, I don't know.

We're both asleep
when it happens.

Oh, that's a good save.

Oh, don't worry.

You needn't pretend
with me. I needn't?

No. I've seen an
arrangement or two

like this before.

You have? Yes.

In fact, I was in one
myself for a while.

You were?

Mmm-hmm.

Hello, wife.

Um, Ned.

Oh, this must be the new maid.

Limpia el toileto pronto.

Señor, por favor. Bite-oh me-oh.

So, Brent, how are you?

Oh, just fine.

Uh, by the way, Ned, uh,

I just came out of your closet.

Perhaps it's time
you did the same.

Stacey, why did you
let him go into my room?

I told you. To put
your clothes away.

Well, why didn't you do it?

Because I'm not allowed
in there, remember?

This is a bad time to
make a good point, sister.

Oh, come on. We came back.
He brought you some clothes.

I told him to put
them in your room.

Now he thinks you're
gay. What's the big deal?

The big deal, Miss Gump,
is that he's a major client,

and you have now revealed to him

that we have an
arranged marriage.

That is a clear violation

of Section 12, Subsection
B, Paragraph nine,

of our agreement,
punishable by death!

Oh, come on, Ned.
Brent's not gonna

tell anybody about
your fake marriage.

He likes you. Exactly.

He likes me. Now
he thinks I'm gay.

Every time he sees
me, he's just gonna see

a big old piece of man candy.

So go out with him.
You could do worse.

And have.

Ooh, if Ned were dating him,
think of the clothes we'd get.

You're right. Does he make

a line of men's wear?

Hey. Attention, shoppers.

Let's get a grip here.

When the dust settles
there's a very good chance

that I'm gonna lose
a $4 million account.

Oh, gee, Ned,

are you really nervous
about losing the account,

or is it the fact that
someone thinks you're gay

is touching a raw nerve?

Nothing is being touched.

Well, well, let's see.

An impeccably dressed
35-year-old man,

in an arranged marriage,
who... Who loves to cook,

who frets over a
balcony full of plants.

He's meticulously
neat, and he has never,

ever had a
long-term relationship

with any woman.

Hmmm.

Now, come on,
Amanda, Ned is not gay.

And I should know.
I've showered with him.

Oh, come on. At the gym!

And then that one
time in the Hamptons.

Oh, come on.

We were playing volleyball,

got sandy and sweaty,

covered with tanning butter...

Just drop it!

All right, Ned.

If you're really dead
set against being gay,

I will talk to Brent and
explain everything, okay?

Oh, that's what I want.

You on damage control.

Yeah. Forget it.

I'll just go and
talk to him myself.

Good idea.

Hey, you could wear the
new clothes he brought you.

Are they nice?

Mm-hm.

Okay.

If you'll excuse me, I
have to go butch myself up

for a party.

Ta-ta.

I mean...

See ya.

Stacey's made such
a mess of things.

I knew I should have married

that nun at the thrift store,

But no, she was married to God.

See Brent anywhere?

Hey, Ned, do you
notice something, uh,

different about
this place tonight?

What the, uh... The,
uh, disco lights, or the...

The decorations, or the...

complete and total
absence of any women?

Ah! That one.

Buona sera.

Welcome to Mardi
gras in Manhattan.

Beads? Hats?

Ah, sure, don't mind if I do.

Ah, no, no, no. No, no thanks.

Not for me. I'm... I'm driving.

You have beautiful eyes.

Thank you. They're glass.

Can I buy you a drink?

No, I'm actually
meeting someone,

but, uh, you can buy him one.

Uh, Ned...

Actually, I'm here
on official business.

I'm the dean of
admissions at the Citadel.

Don't worry. You're
not my type. I'm not...

Oh, well... Ah, well, why not?

Whoa!

Hi.

You work out, huh?

Right. Ahem.

Hey.

Kind of groovy party, huh?

Look, I may not be a pretty boy,

but I got personality.

Brent.

Ned! Ah, great to see you.

Hi, good to see you.

Where's Eric and the ladies?

Uh, Eric's at the
bar, and the ladies

are gonna be
along a little bit later,

but I was hoping
that we could talk.

Well, great, I was hoping
that you'd wanna talk.

Come and sit down.

Listen, apparently there's been

a slight misunderstanding.

Uh, the thing of it is, uh...

Well, it's pretty damn
funny if you think about it.

What is it?

Well, the thing is I'm not gay.

Now, now, Stacey,
the scatterbrained wife,

probably left you
with that impression,

but the truth of the matter is,

I'm as heterosexual
as the day is long.

In the summer...

at the North Pole.

Bad choice of words.

It's all right, Ned.

I understand the
pressures you're under

in the macho corporate world.

Hell, I spent quite a few years

pretending I was straight.

I got pretty good at it too.

In fact, I could give
you a few pointers.

Don't need them.

Not gay. Straight.

Ned, Stacey as much admitted

that your marriage was
just an arrangement.

Brent, look.

I've never told this
to a client before,

but Stacey and I got married

so that I could get a promotion.

See, the agency
wanted a family...

Ned, please!

You expect me to
believe that in 1996

you had to get married
for a promotion?

No.

No, this was way back in '95.

Much more innocent time then.

Will you stop it!

Look, by not admitting
what is clearly true,

you're not only insulting
me and every other gay man,

you're insulting yourself.

Frankly, Ned, I don't think

I can do business
with someone like that.

Brent!

Yes?

Okay. We'll compromise.

I'm bi?

Go away, Ned.

All right, all right, all right.

I'm gay!

But there's a good reason

for never having
come out of the closet.

Well, I'm listening.

Well, it's... It's because

I just didn't think
the world was ready

to accept the love that
one man could have

for his... brother-in-law.

Oh, boy.

Gonna go dance now.

Come on, pony boy. Giddyap.

I think we should...

We should talk about this.

Okay, I'm... I gotta go.

No, no, no, no.

♪ Absolutely soaking wet ♪

Uh, yeah.

♪ It's raining men Hallelujah ♪

♪ It's raining men
Every specimen ♪

♪ Tall, blond, dark and lean ♪

♪ Rough and tough
And strong and mean ♪

♪ God bless Mother Nature ♪

♪ She's a single woman too ♪

♪ She took off to heaven ♪

♪ And she did
What she had to do ♪

♪ She taught every angel ♪

♪ To rearrange the sky... ♪

I assume Ned has had enough time

to convince Brent
that he's not gay.

I think he needs more time.

Oh, my God.

I can't possibly be here,

'cause I'm home
having a nightmare.

Oh, hey. Hi, honey.

Hello, girls.

Hello, Siegfried, Roy.

Whoa-ho-ho!

That champagne
went right to my head.

Stacey, Amanda, you made it.

Brent. We're
wearing your clothes.

Hmm, and backwards.

I told you.

So, uh, you two seem to be

the belles of the ball.

Oh, I never get tired
of my love tractor.

Oh, you're terrible.

No, you're terrible!

Oh!

Okay, I-I really
need to interject here.

Yes?

I personally have
never had sex with Ned...

and if there's a
God, I never will.

But I can vouch for the fact

that Ned is a compulsively neat,

vest-wearing,
opera-loving heterosexual.

Oh, I know Ned's not gay.

You do?

I'm sorry, Ned.

I jumped to conclusions.

I guess maybe

I wanted to believe
that you were gay

for my own personal reasons,

but I began to realize

that you were telling the truth

when you claimed
your lover was Eric.

I mean, please.

Stud.

But I-I gotta tell you, uh,

the clincher was watching
the two of you dance.

Forgive us, but, uh, you know,

we've been having a
great laugh back there.

I told you, feel the music.

Well, look.

All right, you know I'm not gay,

but, uh, can we still
do business together?

Of course, of course.

We'll still have those nice
luncheons occasionally?

Yes.

Now, everyone, the
night is still young.

Let's have a gay old time.

Or not.

So, you wanna dance,
you chiseled Adonis?

Huh, with a woman?

Yeah, sure, you
know, I'll try anything.

♪ I'm gonna let myself get ♪

♪ Absolutely soaking wet ♪

♪ It's raining men Hallelujah ♪

♪ It's raining men ♪

♪ Every specimen ♪

♪ Tall, blond, dark and lean ♪

♪ Rough and
tough and strong... ♪

♪ My love ♪

♪ There's only you In my life ♪

♪ There's only one
thing That's right ♪

♪ Our love ♪

Whoo!

Oh!