Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 1, Episode 18 - Friends and Lovers - full transcript
Stacey runs into an old high school friend Janine, who seems to always want what Stacey has. Stacey, while trying to make Janine jealous, mentions her marriage to 'husband' Ned whom Janine wants to meet. Ned, who is in high spirits, can't wait to put an end to his sexual frustrations as he begins to head out on a date. Ned is intercepted by Stacey, who tells him that she needs him to pretend to be her husband for the night. Eric desperately tries to get Janine to remember him while Ned, who is becoming increasingly frustrated, starts to take advantage of the act. Janine makes a move on Ned as he succumbs to his demons and an upset Stacey confronts Ned and winds up giving him the silent treatment. Ned confides in Eric about how he misses the sound of Stacey's voice while Eric wants to know all the details about Janine. Ned finally realizes what Stacey's real issues are, thanks to Amanda and decides to make amends by coming up with a clever scheme, that will turn the tables on Janine and finally make her jealous of Stacey.
I need to have sex.
Well, don't look at me.
I wasn't looking at you.
I was looking at
Mrs. Butterworth.
And might I say she's lookin'
damn busty this morning.
So, what's the trouble, Ned?
Are your charms wearing thin
on our city's video-store clerks,
and other assorted "bimbi"?
I am chock full
of charm, darlin'.
Don't you worry your
purty little head about that.
It's just that everyone hits an
occasional barren stretch of highway.
Look who I'm telling.
Look, Ned, if you're
so uncomfortable,
why don't you just...
you know.
You'd like me to go
blind, wouldn't you?
- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?
It was business.
Strictly business.
Here's the deal.
To get the promotion,
I needed the wife.
See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So, what the hell, we
up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common?
We irritate each other. Right.
Enjoy the show.
Well, what do you
think of my article?
It's good.
Really?
Yeah, it's good. It's-it's fine.
You don't seem
that enthusiastic.
Stacey, it's about travel irons.
I mean, what do you
want me to do, weep?
God, I hate my job.
Stacey?
Janine?
Yeah.
Oh, my God!
Hi. How are you?
I'm fine.
Amanda, Janine was in
my class in high school.
You remember her, right?
No, but then most
of high school is just,
a hazy cannabis memory for me.
How ya doin'?
How are you doing?
Are you living in the city?
No, I live in Virginia.
I'm just in town for a few days.
Oh, please, why
don't you join us?
Yes. Please do.
Great, thanks. I'll just go
pay my check at the bar.
I'll be right back. It
is so good to see you.
I know!
Ow!
Why did you invite
her to sit with us?
I thought she was
a friend of yours.
Did I mention ow?
She was such a little
weasel in high school.
Always acting like
she was my best friend
and then she would go after
everything that
was important to me.
I should have played the
lead in West Side Story, but no.
Janine got to play Maria.
I was stuck playing
girl with switchblade.
You remember my
boyfriend, Brian O'Dell?
He was totally in love with me,
until she made out
with him on the ski trip.
Um, Gidget...
all of this happened
10 years ago.
I don't care.
I will never forgive her.
Hi. Sit.
So, Stacey, what have you
been doing since high school?
Did you go on to college?
As a matter of fact,
I went to Brandeis,
and I'm now a journalist.
Well, that's great.
So, what brings you to New York?
Well, you know, I run
this little multi-national
consulting firm down in D.C.,
and I'm just in town
so often I finally decided
I have to buy a co-op.
I mean, I am just
so sick of the Plaza.
Oh, do either of you
know a good realtor?
Oh, ding, ding,
ding. Right here.
Are you a realtor?
I am loud. I am pushy.
I have a card. What
else would I be?
Great. Are you
free this afternoon?
I am now.
Wonderful.
We only want to
be on the East Side.
My husband likes to be
near the museums. Great.
You know my husband.
Brian O'Dell.
Um, yes.
I remember Brian.
He was sweet.
So, what's Brian
doing these days?
Oh, he's special counsel for
the Senate Judiciary Committee.
Oh, that's sweet.
Are you married, Stacey?
Married?
Um, yes.
Yes, I am.
For almost a year now.
His name is Ned and
he is a very successful
advertising executive
and he is my husband.
Right?
Yeah.
Oh, that-that's terrific.
I'm so glad you finally
found somebody.
You know, I'm only in
town for a couple of days,
but I'd love to meet your Ned.
Sure.
I'd love to have my Ned met.
Good evening to
you, Mrs. Porter.
My, Mr. Dorsey, you're
in high spirits tonight.
Well, yeah, gonna
have me some sex.
Hey.
Hi, Stacey.
Hi. Bye, Stacey.
No, no, no. You can't
go anywhere now.
I need you here.
No, I can't. Got a date for sex.
You can do that anytime.
Hi, Mrs. Porter.
Hi.
What is it, Stacey?
Oh, it's just this
friend of mine,
from high school's
coming over tonight.
I need you to pretend
to be my husband.
Well, that is just sick.
Oh, come on, Ned. She's
coming over for drinks at 6:00.
She's only gonna
stay an hour or so.
Just long enough
for me to show her
that my life is
better than hers.
I can't do it. Can't do it.
Gotta pick Elaine
up in 10 minutes,
in front of the yeshiva.
You're gonna have
sex with a rabbi?
She's a rabbinical student,
and yes I am.
Please? Come on, Ned.
Can't you just
postpone it for one hour?
Please, please, please?
Oy!
Come on, you remember
me from high school.
I used to pass you all
the time in the hallway.
I-I-I really, I can't place you.
Well, short hair,
glasses, neck brace,
because my head
was too big for my body.
Sorry.
Janine, another crab puff?
Oh, thank you,
these are delicious.
Ned made them.
He just loves to make
little treats like that for me.
Don't you, sweetie?
Yes I do.
In fact, the bakin' mood
is hit me once again.
I think I'll run down
to the Kosher market.
Be back in three hours. No.
That's okay, darling.
I think we're all satisfied, hm?
Not all of us.
Uh, by the way, Janine, I'm
so sorry about dragging you
on that wild goose chase
out to Beekman Place.
I had no idea they
decided not to sell.
Don't worry about it.
Sometimes these clients
just drive me crazy, you know?
First they're in,
then they're out.
In, then out. In, then out.
In, then out.
Okay. We get it!
Oh, Janine, this... Now,
this'll jog your memory.
Remember when your
locker caught on fire
and then I put it out?
You know, I remember my
locker being on fire and then...
It was out...
but, um, sorry.
No, that-that's okay, you
know, I-I didn't start that fire.
So, Janine.
Tell me. Any kids?
Oh, no, not yet.
Brian's working such long
hours at the Senate Committee.
Yeah, Ned and I have
decided to wait too.
He's just so busy.
Perched on top of
that corporate ladder.
On top.
It's nice on top.
And my career.
Whoo! Don't get me started.
But as soon as things
calm down a little bit,
we are gonna get right to work.
Aren't we, honey?
Oh, he's such a romantic.
Oh, gosh.
Oh, I have to tell you
how he proposed to me.
We were vacationing
in the Hamptons,
and I woke up one morning
covered in rose petals,
and there was this
string quartet playing
outside my window,
and Ned was singing the
most beautiful love ballad,
I'd ever heard.
And he climbed up the
trellis, in through the window,
and then...
Oh, Mommy!
Oh, God.
Honey, that's enough.
Darling!
Quit it!
Actually, you know,
I-I should be going.
So soon? NED: Hey,
gotta go! Gotta go!
Listen, good seei"
all of you again.
Call me. Honey, honey!
Ah, why don't you be a love
and get Janine's coat for her?
I'll see you at 2:00.
Yeah, I'll see you then.
Janine, it was nice
strolling down
memory lane with you.
Yes it was. Um, I
want to say, Gordon?
Close. Eric.
Eric. Right, okay.
C'mon, c'mon,
c'mon, c'mon, c'mon.
Thank you.
Gosh, you know,
it's still rush hour.
I hope I can get a cab.
Oh, Ned, honey, be a lamb,
and go down and help
her find a cab, please.
All right, all right, all right.
Stacey, I...
C'mon, c'mon,
c'mon, c'mon, c'mon.
I just want to say
how great you seem
to be doing for yourself.
Congratulations.
Thank you, Janine.
Let's go.
I really appreciate this.
I've just never really
been comfortable
riding alone in New
York cabs at night.
Yeah, well, don't
worry about it.
You must be really anxious
to get back to Stacey.
Who?
Oh, yeah.
You two seem to have a
really nice thing going on.
So, you covered her
in rose petals, huh?
Well, the florist
was out of mulch.
Well, it must have been nice
to have smooth, soft rose petals
tickling and caressing
smooth, bare skin.
Well, um, you
know, it was August.
And classically, one
of the romantic months.
It's, uh, kind of
steamy and hot and...
Mmm. Mm.
Wait.
Wait. Hang on.
Listen, I can't do this.
I mean, I-I can, but...
I can't, because I'm
married to Stacey and-and...
Well, you're
Stacey's good friend.
Actually, she's not
that good of a friend.
Hey, she wants you.
Go for it.
Do it.
Yeah!
Hey-hey! How are ya?
Damn good to see ya again.
You seem relaxed and satisfied.
Yeah.
I tell ya, that rabbi. Whoo!
Now I know why you're
the chosen people.
Ohh. So, you were
with her tonight, huh?
Yeah, yeah.
Tell ya, I'm pretty
tuckered out.
G'night.
Uh, Ned.
Huh?
Um, before you go,
you got a message.
I just thought, you, you
know, you might want to hear it.
Hello, Ned, this is
Elaine Silverberg.
Your failure to arrive
for our date this evening
brings to mind an
amusing Ptolemaic parable.
It seems a merchant traveling
on an unfamiliar road had...
Ah, to hell with this.
Where are you,
you selfish bastard?!
Wonder where she was
goin' with that parable.
Ned!
You slept with Janine
tonight, didn't you?
No!
I mean, yes.
How could you?
Hey, it's your fault.
You're the one that told me
to go down and get her a cab.
Oh, is that how you
get someone a cab?
Next time, watch our doorman.
He does it without
getting naked.
Then he's not doin' it right.
Stacey, I didn't go with
her intending to have sex.
Okay?
She came on to me full blast,
at a moment when
I was very ripe.
I asked you one simple favor.
One hour of your precious time
to help me impress someone.
And she was impressed.
Stacey, you knew
her in high school.
You're probably never
going to see her again.
Why does any of
this even matter?
It matters because now,
she's married to Brian O'Dell,
and she got to play the
lead in West Side Story,
and I'm married to you,
and I had to play
girl with switchblade.
What?
Hey, man.
I really need to talk to you.
Wa-wait one second, 38, 39, 40.
What are you doing?
Oh, sometimes I gather
my loose change, you know,
it goes directly into
Howard's college fund.
Where're you sending
him, Pinball Tech?
If he gets his grades up.
So, what's bothering you?
Oh, it's Stacey.
She's not talking to me.
Just last week you
said you'd give your left...
Hey, hey, I know what I said,
but now that it's happening...
Dammit, I miss the
sound of her voice.
I tried putting silverware
down the disposal
but it wasn't the same.
What did you do that
upset her so much?
Had sex with her friend, Janine.
You had sex with Janine?
Yeah.
Ah, come on, Ned,
she's Stacey's friend,
and she-she's married.
She thinks that you're married.
So, how was it?
Actually, the cab driver
started cheering in Yemenese.
Hi, Ned.
Hey.
Oh, uh, listen, my
parents are coming by later.
Perhaps you'd like
to have sex with them.
Look, this is not my fault.
Okay?
I know it looks
that way, but it isn't.
What can I do?
The woman found
me incredibly attractive
and wanted to make love to me.
These things happen.
Oh, oh.
First of all, don't
flatter yourself.
The only reason
Janine jumped you
is because she thought
you belonged to Stacey.
If she thought Eric
was with Stacey
she would have
happily ridden him home.
Second of all, what
Stacey's mad about
really has nothing
to do with Janine.
It's about you.
And you would realize
that if you weren't so dense.
Well, wh-wha...?
Ned, Stacey came
to you as a favor.
An incredibly childish
and immature favor,
I grant you,
but it was important to her,
and I guess she felt
she could count on you,
but I guess you
showed her, didn't you?
Hi.
So, Stace, how ya doin'?
Fine.
You wanna hose yourself
off and get some grub?
I'm not really hungry.
Hey, I-I know
what'll cheer her up.
The Knick game.
Yeah.
So, what'd you do today?
I took a thigh quiz in Vogue
and learned that I have
no muscle tone so I
ate a box of Bugles.
What'd you do?
Oh, just worked, you know.
Did you show Janine
some more co-ops?
Well, yeah, but I'm not
gonna do that anymore.
'Cause I sold her one today.
Hey, hey, hey.
Oh, good, good,
she's not here yet.
Who?
Janine. She's comin' over.
Janine's coming?
Janine's coming?
Yeah. She's comin' over.
I am telling you right now.
I am not talking to her,
and I'm still not
talking to you.
Good, good, then it
probably won't take as long.
You guys just act natural.
My natural instinct is to flee.
Hi.
Janine, hi.
Didn't you get my message?
No. What message?
Oh, dammit.
I must have just missed you.
Stacey's here.
Oh, then I better go.
No, no, no, no.
She knows
somebody's at the door.
Just, uh, follow my lead, okay?
Ha-ha, look,
everybody, Janine's here.
Hi-hi, Janine.
Oh, hi, Curt.
Janine just came
by to drop off the...
cord of wood she's
been chopping for us.
Oh, it's no use.
It's pointless.
Can't you see that Stacey sees
the sickly hue of
deception in our eyes?
Well, then I definitely
should be going...
No, no. No, no, no.
Might as well just get
it all out in the open.
Stacey?
What?
I have a confession to make.
I've been unfaithful to you
with Janine.
Oh, God.
Ned, stop this.
No, no. Let me speak.
Hear me out.
Look, I know there's
no excuse for what I did
but I was just so tormented
by... the affair you had.
You were?
Yes!
Yes, and of all people,
why did it have to be...
J. F. K. Junior?!
Look, Janine, clearly
you're a beautiful woman...
but when I was with you
I couldn't think of anything
but Stacey.
How much she means to me.
How much she's improved
my life since I've known her.
Stacey, can you forgive me?
Yes.
Good, good lady.
Oh, thank you, Stace.
Thank you, Stacey, thank you.
Stacey, I'm so sorry
about what happened.
Don't worry about it.
You just go back to
your wonderful husband.
Yes, sure, right.
Brian.
Mister "not tonight,
honey, I'm on C-Span."
I shoulda let you keep him.
Who am I kidding?
I need to get the divorce.
Amanda, tear up the contracts.
I'm not buying any
co-ops right now.
Ho-ho.
Well, these things happen.
Well, Stacey, goodbye.
Bye-bye. It was really
good seeing you again.
Goodbye, Ned.
Oh! Go!
Uh, do-do you need
any help gettin' a cab...?
You know, uh,
you were a pretty
good actor back there.
Well, what makes
you think I was acting?
Were you?
Maybe.
Maybe I was acting
when I just said that.
Maybe I was acting
when I just said that.
I guess you'll never know,
girl with switchblade.
Hey, she wants you.
Go for it.
Do it.
Yeah.
Hey, what's going
on back there, huh?
Whoo! NED: Watch out!
Well, don't look at me.
I wasn't looking at you.
I was looking at
Mrs. Butterworth.
And might I say she's lookin'
damn busty this morning.
So, what's the trouble, Ned?
Are your charms wearing thin
on our city's video-store clerks,
and other assorted "bimbi"?
I am chock full
of charm, darlin'.
Don't you worry your
purty little head about that.
It's just that everyone hits an
occasional barren stretch of highway.
Look who I'm telling.
Look, Ned, if you're
so uncomfortable,
why don't you just...
you know.
You'd like me to go
blind, wouldn't you?
- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?
It was business.
Strictly business.
Here's the deal.
To get the promotion,
I needed the wife.
See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So, what the hell, we
up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common?
We irritate each other. Right.
Enjoy the show.
Well, what do you
think of my article?
It's good.
Really?
Yeah, it's good. It's-it's fine.
You don't seem
that enthusiastic.
Stacey, it's about travel irons.
I mean, what do you
want me to do, weep?
God, I hate my job.
Stacey?
Janine?
Yeah.
Oh, my God!
Hi. How are you?
I'm fine.
Amanda, Janine was in
my class in high school.
You remember her, right?
No, but then most
of high school is just,
a hazy cannabis memory for me.
How ya doin'?
How are you doing?
Are you living in the city?
No, I live in Virginia.
I'm just in town for a few days.
Oh, please, why
don't you join us?
Yes. Please do.
Great, thanks. I'll just go
pay my check at the bar.
I'll be right back. It
is so good to see you.
I know!
Ow!
Why did you invite
her to sit with us?
I thought she was
a friend of yours.
Did I mention ow?
She was such a little
weasel in high school.
Always acting like
she was my best friend
and then she would go after
everything that
was important to me.
I should have played the
lead in West Side Story, but no.
Janine got to play Maria.
I was stuck playing
girl with switchblade.
You remember my
boyfriend, Brian O'Dell?
He was totally in love with me,
until she made out
with him on the ski trip.
Um, Gidget...
all of this happened
10 years ago.
I don't care.
I will never forgive her.
Hi. Sit.
So, Stacey, what have you
been doing since high school?
Did you go on to college?
As a matter of fact,
I went to Brandeis,
and I'm now a journalist.
Well, that's great.
So, what brings you to New York?
Well, you know, I run
this little multi-national
consulting firm down in D.C.,
and I'm just in town
so often I finally decided
I have to buy a co-op.
I mean, I am just
so sick of the Plaza.
Oh, do either of you
know a good realtor?
Oh, ding, ding,
ding. Right here.
Are you a realtor?
I am loud. I am pushy.
I have a card. What
else would I be?
Great. Are you
free this afternoon?
I am now.
Wonderful.
We only want to
be on the East Side.
My husband likes to be
near the museums. Great.
You know my husband.
Brian O'Dell.
Um, yes.
I remember Brian.
He was sweet.
So, what's Brian
doing these days?
Oh, he's special counsel for
the Senate Judiciary Committee.
Oh, that's sweet.
Are you married, Stacey?
Married?
Um, yes.
Yes, I am.
For almost a year now.
His name is Ned and
he is a very successful
advertising executive
and he is my husband.
Right?
Yeah.
Oh, that-that's terrific.
I'm so glad you finally
found somebody.
You know, I'm only in
town for a couple of days,
but I'd love to meet your Ned.
Sure.
I'd love to have my Ned met.
Good evening to
you, Mrs. Porter.
My, Mr. Dorsey, you're
in high spirits tonight.
Well, yeah, gonna
have me some sex.
Hey.
Hi, Stacey.
Hi. Bye, Stacey.
No, no, no. You can't
go anywhere now.
I need you here.
No, I can't. Got a date for sex.
You can do that anytime.
Hi, Mrs. Porter.
Hi.
What is it, Stacey?
Oh, it's just this
friend of mine,
from high school's
coming over tonight.
I need you to pretend
to be my husband.
Well, that is just sick.
Oh, come on, Ned. She's
coming over for drinks at 6:00.
She's only gonna
stay an hour or so.
Just long enough
for me to show her
that my life is
better than hers.
I can't do it. Can't do it.
Gotta pick Elaine
up in 10 minutes,
in front of the yeshiva.
You're gonna have
sex with a rabbi?
She's a rabbinical student,
and yes I am.
Please? Come on, Ned.
Can't you just
postpone it for one hour?
Please, please, please?
Oy!
Come on, you remember
me from high school.
I used to pass you all
the time in the hallway.
I-I-I really, I can't place you.
Well, short hair,
glasses, neck brace,
because my head
was too big for my body.
Sorry.
Janine, another crab puff?
Oh, thank you,
these are delicious.
Ned made them.
He just loves to make
little treats like that for me.
Don't you, sweetie?
Yes I do.
In fact, the bakin' mood
is hit me once again.
I think I'll run down
to the Kosher market.
Be back in three hours. No.
That's okay, darling.
I think we're all satisfied, hm?
Not all of us.
Uh, by the way, Janine, I'm
so sorry about dragging you
on that wild goose chase
out to Beekman Place.
I had no idea they
decided not to sell.
Don't worry about it.
Sometimes these clients
just drive me crazy, you know?
First they're in,
then they're out.
In, then out. In, then out.
In, then out.
Okay. We get it!
Oh, Janine, this... Now,
this'll jog your memory.
Remember when your
locker caught on fire
and then I put it out?
You know, I remember my
locker being on fire and then...
It was out...
but, um, sorry.
No, that-that's okay, you
know, I-I didn't start that fire.
So, Janine.
Tell me. Any kids?
Oh, no, not yet.
Brian's working such long
hours at the Senate Committee.
Yeah, Ned and I have
decided to wait too.
He's just so busy.
Perched on top of
that corporate ladder.
On top.
It's nice on top.
And my career.
Whoo! Don't get me started.
But as soon as things
calm down a little bit,
we are gonna get right to work.
Aren't we, honey?
Oh, he's such a romantic.
Oh, gosh.
Oh, I have to tell you
how he proposed to me.
We were vacationing
in the Hamptons,
and I woke up one morning
covered in rose petals,
and there was this
string quartet playing
outside my window,
and Ned was singing the
most beautiful love ballad,
I'd ever heard.
And he climbed up the
trellis, in through the window,
and then...
Oh, Mommy!
Oh, God.
Honey, that's enough.
Darling!
Quit it!
Actually, you know,
I-I should be going.
So soon? NED: Hey,
gotta go! Gotta go!
Listen, good seei"
all of you again.
Call me. Honey, honey!
Ah, why don't you be a love
and get Janine's coat for her?
I'll see you at 2:00.
Yeah, I'll see you then.
Janine, it was nice
strolling down
memory lane with you.
Yes it was. Um, I
want to say, Gordon?
Close. Eric.
Eric. Right, okay.
C'mon, c'mon,
c'mon, c'mon, c'mon.
Thank you.
Gosh, you know,
it's still rush hour.
I hope I can get a cab.
Oh, Ned, honey, be a lamb,
and go down and help
her find a cab, please.
All right, all right, all right.
Stacey, I...
C'mon, c'mon,
c'mon, c'mon, c'mon.
I just want to say
how great you seem
to be doing for yourself.
Congratulations.
Thank you, Janine.
Let's go.
I really appreciate this.
I've just never really
been comfortable
riding alone in New
York cabs at night.
Yeah, well, don't
worry about it.
You must be really anxious
to get back to Stacey.
Who?
Oh, yeah.
You two seem to have a
really nice thing going on.
So, you covered her
in rose petals, huh?
Well, the florist
was out of mulch.
Well, it must have been nice
to have smooth, soft rose petals
tickling and caressing
smooth, bare skin.
Well, um, you
know, it was August.
And classically, one
of the romantic months.
It's, uh, kind of
steamy and hot and...
Mmm. Mm.
Wait.
Wait. Hang on.
Listen, I can't do this.
I mean, I-I can, but...
I can't, because I'm
married to Stacey and-and...
Well, you're
Stacey's good friend.
Actually, she's not
that good of a friend.
Hey, she wants you.
Go for it.
Do it.
Yeah!
Hey-hey! How are ya?
Damn good to see ya again.
You seem relaxed and satisfied.
Yeah.
I tell ya, that rabbi. Whoo!
Now I know why you're
the chosen people.
Ohh. So, you were
with her tonight, huh?
Yeah, yeah.
Tell ya, I'm pretty
tuckered out.
G'night.
Uh, Ned.
Huh?
Um, before you go,
you got a message.
I just thought, you, you
know, you might want to hear it.
Hello, Ned, this is
Elaine Silverberg.
Your failure to arrive
for our date this evening
brings to mind an
amusing Ptolemaic parable.
It seems a merchant traveling
on an unfamiliar road had...
Ah, to hell with this.
Where are you,
you selfish bastard?!
Wonder where she was
goin' with that parable.
Ned!
You slept with Janine
tonight, didn't you?
No!
I mean, yes.
How could you?
Hey, it's your fault.
You're the one that told me
to go down and get her a cab.
Oh, is that how you
get someone a cab?
Next time, watch our doorman.
He does it without
getting naked.
Then he's not doin' it right.
Stacey, I didn't go with
her intending to have sex.
Okay?
She came on to me full blast,
at a moment when
I was very ripe.
I asked you one simple favor.
One hour of your precious time
to help me impress someone.
And she was impressed.
Stacey, you knew
her in high school.
You're probably never
going to see her again.
Why does any of
this even matter?
It matters because now,
she's married to Brian O'Dell,
and she got to play the
lead in West Side Story,
and I'm married to you,
and I had to play
girl with switchblade.
What?
Hey, man.
I really need to talk to you.
Wa-wait one second, 38, 39, 40.
What are you doing?
Oh, sometimes I gather
my loose change, you know,
it goes directly into
Howard's college fund.
Where're you sending
him, Pinball Tech?
If he gets his grades up.
So, what's bothering you?
Oh, it's Stacey.
She's not talking to me.
Just last week you
said you'd give your left...
Hey, hey, I know what I said,
but now that it's happening...
Dammit, I miss the
sound of her voice.
I tried putting silverware
down the disposal
but it wasn't the same.
What did you do that
upset her so much?
Had sex with her friend, Janine.
You had sex with Janine?
Yeah.
Ah, come on, Ned,
she's Stacey's friend,
and she-she's married.
She thinks that you're married.
So, how was it?
Actually, the cab driver
started cheering in Yemenese.
Hi, Ned.
Hey.
Oh, uh, listen, my
parents are coming by later.
Perhaps you'd like
to have sex with them.
Look, this is not my fault.
Okay?
I know it looks
that way, but it isn't.
What can I do?
The woman found
me incredibly attractive
and wanted to make love to me.
These things happen.
Oh, oh.
First of all, don't
flatter yourself.
The only reason
Janine jumped you
is because she thought
you belonged to Stacey.
If she thought Eric
was with Stacey
she would have
happily ridden him home.
Second of all, what
Stacey's mad about
really has nothing
to do with Janine.
It's about you.
And you would realize
that if you weren't so dense.
Well, wh-wha...?
Ned, Stacey came
to you as a favor.
An incredibly childish
and immature favor,
I grant you,
but it was important to her,
and I guess she felt
she could count on you,
but I guess you
showed her, didn't you?
Hi.
So, Stace, how ya doin'?
Fine.
You wanna hose yourself
off and get some grub?
I'm not really hungry.
Hey, I-I know
what'll cheer her up.
The Knick game.
Yeah.
So, what'd you do today?
I took a thigh quiz in Vogue
and learned that I have
no muscle tone so I
ate a box of Bugles.
What'd you do?
Oh, just worked, you know.
Did you show Janine
some more co-ops?
Well, yeah, but I'm not
gonna do that anymore.
'Cause I sold her one today.
Hey, hey, hey.
Oh, good, good,
she's not here yet.
Who?
Janine. She's comin' over.
Janine's coming?
Janine's coming?
Yeah. She's comin' over.
I am telling you right now.
I am not talking to her,
and I'm still not
talking to you.
Good, good, then it
probably won't take as long.
You guys just act natural.
My natural instinct is to flee.
Hi.
Janine, hi.
Didn't you get my message?
No. What message?
Oh, dammit.
I must have just missed you.
Stacey's here.
Oh, then I better go.
No, no, no, no.
She knows
somebody's at the door.
Just, uh, follow my lead, okay?
Ha-ha, look,
everybody, Janine's here.
Hi-hi, Janine.
Oh, hi, Curt.
Janine just came
by to drop off the...
cord of wood she's
been chopping for us.
Oh, it's no use.
It's pointless.
Can't you see that Stacey sees
the sickly hue of
deception in our eyes?
Well, then I definitely
should be going...
No, no. No, no, no.
Might as well just get
it all out in the open.
Stacey?
What?
I have a confession to make.
I've been unfaithful to you
with Janine.
Oh, God.
Ned, stop this.
No, no. Let me speak.
Hear me out.
Look, I know there's
no excuse for what I did
but I was just so tormented
by... the affair you had.
You were?
Yes!
Yes, and of all people,
why did it have to be...
J. F. K. Junior?!
Look, Janine, clearly
you're a beautiful woman...
but when I was with you
I couldn't think of anything
but Stacey.
How much she means to me.
How much she's improved
my life since I've known her.
Stacey, can you forgive me?
Yes.
Good, good lady.
Oh, thank you, Stace.
Thank you, Stacey, thank you.
Stacey, I'm so sorry
about what happened.
Don't worry about it.
You just go back to
your wonderful husband.
Yes, sure, right.
Brian.
Mister "not tonight,
honey, I'm on C-Span."
I shoulda let you keep him.
Who am I kidding?
I need to get the divorce.
Amanda, tear up the contracts.
I'm not buying any
co-ops right now.
Ho-ho.
Well, these things happen.
Well, Stacey, goodbye.
Bye-bye. It was really
good seeing you again.
Goodbye, Ned.
Oh! Go!
Uh, do-do you need
any help gettin' a cab...?
You know, uh,
you were a pretty
good actor back there.
Well, what makes
you think I was acting?
Were you?
Maybe.
Maybe I was acting
when I just said that.
Maybe I was acting
when I just said that.
I guess you'll never know,
girl with switchblade.
Hey, she wants you.
Go for it.
Do it.
Yeah.
Hey, what's going
on back there, huh?
Whoo! NED: Watch out!