Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 1, Episode 16 - A Tender Trap - full transcript

Good morning,
my little cornflower.

No, bad morning.

Do you realize I've
sent out 20 résumés

and not one magazine
has even called me?

I'm so depressed,

I'm eating caramel
corn and turkey jerky

for breakfast.

Well, they say that
adds shine to your coat.

I need a regular staff job.

I'm just so sick of
freelancing and being broke.

You're gonna get a job.



You're gonna get a good job.

And you wanna know why, darlin'?

Gee, Ned. Why?

Because the circus is in town?

Because Taco Bell

is hiring?

Because the mall needs
speed bumps in its parking lot?

No, because you happen
to be talented and smart

and just plain good.

What's the matter
with you this morning?

You're awfully... civil.

I don't know.

Just feelin' rested,
feelin' happy

and most of all, feeling
good about our marriage.



Have a good day.

Where's Glen?

Uh, well, Glen left.

But if you hurry, I
think you'll catch him.

Nah.

He said they don't allow
women on the submarine.

- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?

It was business.
Strictly business.

Here's the deal.

To get the promotion,
I needed the wife.

See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.

So, what the hell, we
up and got married.

The only thing we
have in common?

We irritate each other. Right.

Enjoy the show.

So, uh...

Eric and I have a little news.

Yeah. The missus and I

are gonna try and
have another baby.

You are?

Yeah. Yeah.

Now?

Waitress, lobster bibs.

Shut up.

Yeah. This is a sweet,
pure moment. Back off.

I'm so happy.

Well, thank you, thank you.

Amanda starts ovulating
in a couple of days,

and this boy is ready.

I've been watchin'
Baywatch all week.

I'm kiddin' around.

Hey, whatever gets
the boys swimmin'.

Well, swimming'll be
a nice change for 'em.

They're used to open
air and fluorescent lights.

Will you stop?

Are you so threatened by
the concept of two people

having sex because
they're in love,

and know each other's names?

His latest beaut loitered
around our apartment all morning

watching Carnie! and pumicing
her feet with our cheese grater.

Yuck.

What dark netherworld

do you inhabit at night, anyway?

Always quick with the
put-downs, aren't you?

Mm.

You know, maybe
she understands me.

Maybe we understand
each other's needs.

Maybe we've built s...

Whoo-boy! I couldn't
even stay with that one!

Ah, you guys want another drink?

Yeah, grab me
another beer, will ya?

Ah, you got it, sperm boy.

Oh, my God.

That's Megan Foster.

She's a huge deal
at Howell Publishing.

Oh, God, she'd be able
to get me a job like that.

So go talk to her. Oh,
I hardly even know her.

I mean, I met her once

at this charity function
for the homeless.

It was such a rip-off.

The Diet Cokes were like $10.

Stacey, be assertive.

Go talk to her. Go.

Oh, I... I should,
shouldn't I? Yes.

Her company owns
a ton of magazines.

So go. Okay.

I'll go. Good.

I'll go. Okay.

If you come with me.

I used to see those coming.

Uh, uh, waitress, would...?

More oysters here, please.

So, um...

what would you say

your biggest thrill
as a journalist was?

Oh, I don't know.
I'd have to say

when I won the Golden Pen Award.

Oh, right.

And you won that,

what, three times?

Okay.

Megan Foster, is that you?

Yes. Jenny, right?

Oooh, close. Close.

Stacey. Stacey Colbert.

We... We met at that charity
function for the homeless.

Oh, right.

You wanted me to split
my Diet Coke with you.

Right! Right!

Imagine,

running into you in
front of the bathroom.

Oh, this is my sister Amanda.

She has to go too.

Hi.

Hi.

Um, Megan.

Hm?

Well, the thing is,

I've been doing a
lot of freelance work,

but I'm very anxious
to get a staff job now,

and I was wondering if
you could show my stuff

to the editors of some
of your magazines.

Oh.

Well, it's a tough
market right now.

I'm not even sure if our editors
are accepting submissions.

Hey. Is this the ticket line
for the John Tesh concert?

Ha, ha!

That's very funny, Ned.

Now just move along.

All right, well, you
ladies have a nice wait.

Whatever you do,

don't think of a water balloon
filled to the bursting point.

Do you know him?

Oh, no.

I mean, yes.

We're sort of
roommates, but, um...

I hate him.

Ah.

Listen, Stacey,

um...

before I leave, let's
exchange numbers.

Maybe there is some way
I could help you get a job.

Oh, great. Thank you.

Sure.

Yay for me!

Ah. Katsuyuki, hai!

That's my phone!
That's my phone!

I don't care. I don't care.

Hello?

Hi, Megan.

Really? Great! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll send my résumé and
writing samples right over.

And thank you so much.

Okay. Uh-huh.

Huh?

Ned?

Oh, well, sure. Sure.

Just... Just hold on one second.

Ned, Megan Foster
wants to talk to you

for some reason.

Who?

The woman at the
restaurant last night.

Now, look, she's
helping me get a job,

so pretend not to be a jerk.

Don't worry.

Hello!

Ah, how are you, Megan?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Well, I don't know,
that sounds pretty good.

Okay, 8:00.

Alrighty. I'll see you then.

"Then"? You'll see her "then"?

What...? Wh-what...?
What do you mean?

Why would you see her then?

Ah, same old, same old.

She wants to grab onto my biceps

and scream, "Daddy-o."

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No. No. That is
not gonna happen.

I forbid you from
going out with her.

You forbid me?

Stacey, you must have forgotten.

You are only my
wife, not my mother.

Although you do have her ankles.

Look, Ned,

it's a really rough
job market right now.

Now, Megan is the kind of person

who could get my
stuff to the right people.

Now, if you treat her badly,

like you do most of
your other little chippies,

then she's gonna
take it out on me,

and I'm gonna end up

back at square one.

So do me a favor and cancel.

Please.

All right, all right.

Gosh, you're like
a human toothache.

Oh! Oh! Can't
cancel. Can't cancel.

If you cancel, then she'll
know that I put you up to it.

Oh, God.

Stacey, five minutes ago

I was happily enjoying

the Katsuyuki
Tanaka Comedy Hour.

Now I'm trapped

in the Stacey Colbert
web of confusion.

Just tell me.

What do you...

want me...

to do?

Um...

Okay.

I guess you have to go
out with her, but, please...

be nice.

Treat her with respect.

Okay.

I guess I won't dump her
until after she gets you a job.

Perfect!

My ankles are killing me.

I haven't been
skating since I was 14.

Well, you did a
lovely triple salchow.

And you fall on
your ass very well.

Thank God it's large and spongy.

It was a nice night.

It was a nice night.

Listen, if it's okay, I'd
like to call you tomorrow,

but not too early,

because I think that
that would be smothering,

but not too late, either...

Was I saying something?

Oh!

Wow.

I mean... yow.

Actually...

salchow.

I... I feel like I could
sleep for two days.

You wanna go to sleep now?

Oh, I... I remember this part.

Okay.

So you...? You wanna cuddle?

No. Actually,

I got a whole bunch of little
adventures planned for us.

Tonight?

Mm-hm.

And the next night,

and the night after that...

and so on.

You know, I... have
racquetball on Tuesday.

Cancel it.

You'll get a better
workout here.

And...

I offer free court time.

What a saucy double-entendre.

What does it mean?

Come on. Let's go.

"Let's go"?

Yeah.

You're not worried about
people watching, are you?

Rico, this Megan's killin' me.

I haven't slept all week,

and the only food I've eaten

is yogurt off of her neck.

Man, you think you got it bad.

Since Amanda started ovulating,

she's turned into
a drill sergeant.

She keeps screaming,
"Be all that you can be."

I'm so delirious.

I was in the middle of
a pitch meeting today,

and I blurted out, "Stop,
it's not meant for that."

Luckily, I was pitching to
the National Safety Council.

They bought the slogan.

Yeah, at least you're unscathed.

Look at this. Look
at this rug burn.

You ever been dragged to
the bedroom by your ankles?

Hey, at least you
can divorce Amanda.

Until Stacey gets a job,

I gotta keep delivering
"the groceries."

Wow. You win.

You know, I...

suppose I could just
break up with Megan.

But then I take a
long look at Stacey.

Poor little camper.

Then I realize...

if I don't keep on having
sex with other people

in order to help her,

she'll never amount to anything.

Work it now.

Work those legs.

Do it. Two, three, four.
Oh, we're feeling good.

That's it, ladies.

Is someone there?

Now, ladies, feel the glow.

That's it.

Now let's move
on to our favorite:

the butt burner.

Get up...

Ned... what are you doing?

My keys are so heavy.

You look awful.

Why are you limping?

Oh, I... twisted my ankle

climbing down from
the Taystee Bread sign

in Queens.

What?

Racquetball.

So did Megan come
through with any job contacts?

Please say yes.

No.

I haven't heard a peep

since I sent her my
résumé and writing samples.

I'm starting to wonder
what's going on.

I mean, it's been two weeks.

You're being nice
to her, aren't you?

You... wouldn't believe
how nice I'm being to her.

Do we have any soft foods?

Ahhhh.

Want a sip?

Mmm.

Come on, Megan,

I don't wanna do this anymore.

No?

Okay, if you're gonna whine.

So, what do you wanna do?

Talk?

Well, yeah.

You know, I...

think that we've reached
a point in our relationship

where we can
have a conversation.

About what?

I don't know.

Maybe, uh...

Oh... Stacey.

What about her?

Well, have you had a chance

to show any of
her writing around

to the other editors?

Uh, yeah. I sent her stuff

to New Times, World Journal,

a few other places.

She's a pretty
good writer, right?

Yup. She is.

I mean, uh, you wouldn't know it

from having a conversation
with her, but, uh,

pretty good scribe.

Yup.

Ned, recess is over.

Uh-oh.

These, uh...

boots aren't made
for walkin', are they?

Hey, buddy. Hey.

Hey.

Oh, look at you.

You look like something

chewed you up and spit you out.

No, but close.

I'm gonna get some
drinks. You want anything?

Yeah, iced tea and
a healthy prostate.

What the hell are
you so happy about?

Well, I don't wanna brag,

but guess who didn't
have any sex today

and won't be
gettin' any tonight.

Really? Yeah.

Amanda stopped ovulating,

and she won't be
fertile again for 25 days.

Count 'em up, 25 sex-free days.

No sex. Yeah.

Just the idea of that
is powerfully arousing.

Thanks, honey.

You're welcome.
You've earned it.

Yeah!

Ned, it's like we were 20 again,

except this time I
wanna get pregnant.

Oh! Remember, we wanna
get popcorn on the way home.

Oh, right, right, we're
gonna watch TV.

I knew I couldn't trust you.

Huh?

I don't know what
you did to Megan,

but she won't
even take my calls.

I finally got it out
of her secretary

that my writing samples
are just sitting on her desk,

unopened.

She hasn't sent them anywhere.

She hasn't? No!

And I suppose you're surprised.

Stacey, I have done
everything humanly possible

to make that woman happy.

She's bent me in directions
that would make Gumby scream.

What is that supposed to mean?

She is a freak, Stacey.

A sexual circus sideshow.

I would have run for
my life weeks ago,

but I didn't wanna
ruin it for you...

and I was chained
to her radiator.

So all this time, you've
been having sex with Megan

in order to help me get a job?

Well... yeah.

That's so sweet.

Well, you know. Do what I can.

You are such a good husband.

"Dysfunctional" doesn't even
begin to describe this moment.

All right, all right!

Hi. Did you bring
the Nixon mask?

No. And I told you,

I'm not comfortable
whenever you wear that.

But that's not why I'm here.

What's going on? I'm kinda busy.

Busy?

Busy, are you?

What, have you got the
Osmonds in your bedrooom?

Run, Jimmy, run!

Ned, calm down.

Don't tell him to calm down.

You have no right,

not after the way you used him

as your own personal
scratching post.

Yeah.

You used me,

and you used her to get to me.

The least you could've done

was keep your word
and help her out.

I mean, Stacey may be

a huge pain in the ass,

unparalleled on
the planet Earth,

but she's a damn
fine journalist.

I gotta sit down now.

Look what you've done to him.

You rest, honey.

Excuse me, but as long
as we're talking about using,

didn't both of you use
me to get you a job?

Yeah, you got a
pretty good point there.

Good point.

Look, Megan,

we all used each other,

but you have to admit,
you had the most fun.

Megan...

come on.

Can you help Stacey get a job?

I beg you, don't let all
of my work be in vain.

I'll see what I can do.

Really.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

So...

you guys wanna take a shower?

Skyward?

The best job that
Megan could help you get

was with an airline magazine?

Yeah, but it's all right.

At least I have a steady
paycheck coming in

until something better
comes along, and anyway,

some of those in-flight
magazines are pretty good.

Stacey, they're free...

and no one takes them.

I know they're a little fluffy,

but I really think that I could
shake things up a little bit,

you know, sneak in some
really hard-hitting stuff.

"Barry Manilow's
Recipe For Success...

And Lasagna"!

Muckrake on.

Oh!

Wow.

I mean, yow.

I mean...

It's the big one!

Ned?

Ned?

Hmm.

I haven't done this in a while.