Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 1, Episode 15 - Paranoia on the 47th Floor - full transcript
Ned becomes worried about his job when a young hotshot at the ad agency impresses their bosses right as Ned is forced to take a vacation.
- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?
It was business.
Strictly business.
Here's the deal.
To get the promotion,
I needed the wife.
See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So, what the hell, we
up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common?
We irritate each other. Right.
Enjoy the show.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You're not understanding
what I'm saying.
Come on, Rico.
You're not understanding me.
Rico, stop being so didactic
and just make your point.
Yeah, my point is that Gilligan
could definitely kick
the professor's ass.
The professor would beat him
to death with a coconut shell
and then float off the
island on the SS Little Buddy.
Okay, okay. Now,
forget that one.
How about Ginger
versus Mary Ann?
Oh, now that's a
pay-per-view event
I would want to see.
All right.
What are you guys talking about?
Oh, as soon as you left
for the bathroom,
the topic switched from Medicare
to who would win
in a steel cage match,
Mrs. Garrett or Tootie?
And I gotta tell ya, I
still go with Mrs. Garrett.
Built like a linebacker
with a neck as
thick as a tree trunk.
Ned, do you realize
how silly you sound?
Thank you.
Tootie would snap her in half
like a twig.
Ned.
Hey, Clay. Hey.
What're you doing here?
Just passing by on
my way to the gym.
Saw you through the window.
Thought I'd come
in and harass you.
Harass you have. Get a chair.
Everybody, this is Clay Maxwell.
Uh, Clay's new at the agency.
Clay, I think you
know Eric Moyer.
And this is his East German
weightlifting bride, Masculina.
And who might
this lovely lady be?
Well, she might just
be the best damn thing
that's ever happened
to me, but she's not.
She's my wife.
Yeah, I won the lottery.
Hi, I'm Stacey.
Hi, Stacey. Nice to meet you.
I gotta tell you, I love working
with your hubby here.
The only reason I
jumped agencies
was to become his disciple.
Enjoy the Kool-Aid.
Actually, uh, Clay's
just being modest.
The agency went all
out to lure him away
from his old firm,
including a huge signing bonus,
if I may breach confidentiality.
Well, I'll tell you,
it wasn't the money
that lured me.
It was Ned Dorsey.
The man is a legend.
And you're only, what? Fifty?
Eighty.
Well, I gotta run.
Pleasure meeting you all.
Eric, and Ned.
See you at the office, bro.
Okay, buddy. Bye.
Nice to meet you.
Nice meeting you.
He's cute.
And nice.
And young.
Cute, nice and young.
Three things you're not.
Hmm, let's examine
the goings-on here.
A young up-and-comer
is heavily recruited
by Ned's agency.
Hmm.
Who at this table should
be getting a little worried?
You.
I've been planning
to kill you for months.
Okay, you see, the problem, Pat,
is that we are constantly
slamming the
audience in the head
with the product name.
I mean, we're mentioning
it over and over and over.
Now, what I propose
we pitch for this campaign
is that we don't mention
the product name once.
You think the Siesta
people will go for that?
I mean, people won't know
what the commercial is for.
Word of mouth.
"Hey, did you see that
crazy commercial last night?"
"I did."
"What was it for?"
"I have no idea,
but I must have it."
It's interesting.
It's innovative.
It's a different approach.
Isn't it though?
When Ned pitched
that to me, I said,
"Ned, that is an
interesting, different
and, yes, innovative approach."
So, what does our new
man think about this?
Well...
Instead of Ned's approach,
where we, uh, risk
confusion about the product,
why don't we embrace the notion
of beating the audience over
the head with the brand name,
but... do it comically.
For example?
I don't know, uh, maybe get, uh,
George Clooney.
"Siesta Sunglasses?
I don't think so."
Or, uh, Heather Locklear.
"Siesta Sunglasses?
What the hell are they?"
And... And... And...
And the tagline.
"Siesta Sunglasses.
Don't worry. They'll
come around."
That is good.
That is very clever.
Huh? What did I tell you
when you pitched
that to me earlier?
Clever.
Well, it is clever.
But I gotta tell you,
I think it's gonna
bust the budget of the client.
I mean, you start out
wanting George Clooney,
you end up with Larry Storch.
Ah-ha. Where you been, Ned?
Larry Storch is hot again.
Gee, I guess we didn't
get that news at the home.
Okay, okay.
No, I like both of
your approaches.
So, why don't you
hash them out together.
That okay with you, Ned?
Sure.
I'm always open to
new and fresh ideas.
Well, good enough, then.
Good enough, then.
Clay, you did a great job.
I love the way you look.
Tie, the jeans.
It's nice to have some
young blood around here.
Hey, I'm just glad
to be at a place
that knows how to
take care of its people.
I mean, you got the
great medical benefits, 401
and that mandatory
vacation policy? Wow.
Well, we don't want any
burnouts in this company.
Me, I took a four-by-four
through the Australian outback
for six days, came back
full of piss and vinegar.
And at your age, that burns.
So, uh, Ned?
Where'd you go on vacation?
Huh?
Where'd you go?
Yeah, where did you
go this year, Ned?
Uh, I drove a four-by-four
across the Australian outback.
Didn't you see me? I waved.
Okay! Got to get going.
Lots of office
supplies to steal.
Hold it a minute.
Are you saying that you did not
take a vacation this year?
No. You're saying
I didn't take a
vacation this year.
See ya. Uh, uh.
I'm afraid I have to insist
that you take your two weeks,
effective immediately.
No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Ah, it's not open
for debate. I'm sorry.
Now, Clay. You can
get the Siesta pitch
in shape all by
yourself, can't you?
Well, I didn't expect
to jump right in,
but I'll certainly
do the best I can.
Hey, hey, hey!
I don't need a vacation, Pat!
I don't want a vacation.
See you in two weeks.
My God, that was embarrassing.
I'm just glad it happened
to you and not to me.
Drop me a postcard, huh?
Read 'em and weep.
Ha, ha, ha.
Ronald?
No, you can't use that, Stacey.
Why not? It's a proper name.
Not only. How about,
"Hand me that ronald"?
Oh, stop it. You cheat so bad.
Oh, God. Fine.
God, I just...
I just can't concentrate
with him out there doing that.
Oh, Clay, need a little trim
around the ears?
Hiiiii-ya!
Let's see. Who else can we pitch
for the campaign? Let's see.
Hmm, maybe, let's see,
Charo, Jamie Farr, Larry Storch.
Or how about you, Clay?!
Now there's a man who knows
how to enjoy a vacation.
God, it has been like
this for three days.
He's been constantly
chopping and pacing
and shouting at infomercials.
Hey, Ned. Ned!
Ned, come on in here, buddy.
Hands down, scariest
thing I've ever seen.
Well, you two must
be really happy
right about now,
getting your wish and all.
Yeah, I get kicked out
of my kingdom, huh?
In the meantime,
Clay's ingratiating himself
to the new client,
cozying up to Kirkland,
lifting his leg on
my office furniture
and marking his territory!
Are you happy?
I'm happy.
I've been torturing
this dog all day.
Meow, meow, meow, meow.
Ned.
Coward.
Ned, your vacation
is making me tense.
Maybe you should, oh,
I don't know, go away.
No. Too much to do,
too damn little
time to do it in.
Rico, I got a project in mind.
Come with me. All right...
I... I love you, Amanda.
Okay, big guy, well, what is it?
Uh, Ned, look I know
you're on vacation and
everything, but, uh...
Hold that. Uh...
Ned? Ned, okay.
Yeah, well, we've discussed this
several times, Ned,
and I would prefer it
if you didn't tape things to me.
This is a micro-recorder.
You are gonna help me
get Clay to admit on tape
that he's trying to ruin me
and take my job.
Now, listen to me.
All you have to do
is lead him along.
Eventually, his master plan
is gonna come spilling out
faster than pig's
blood at Carrie's prom.
Later, I'm going
to play the tape
to Kirkland, and
Clay is gonna be fired.
Oh, it's gonna be sweet.
Leave us in peace!
Hey.
Oh, hey.
So, hey, how 'bout that
Ned being gone, huh?
Pardon?
Oh, I... I said, um,
uh, Ned being gone.
Pretty good deal, ain't it?
If you say so.
Are... Are you saying so?
Look, uh, Eric, I
really gotta work
on these storyboards, okay?
Oh, oh, you... For
the Siesta campaign.
Yeah, yeah.
Sure am glad you're
handling that account,
not that slacker, uh...
You know who I mean.
Ned?
So... So you... You
think Ned's a slacker?
No.
No, not at all. I don't...
Oh, come on, the way that guy
struts around here, thinking
everything he spouts is gold?
That's got to just
irritate the hell out
of you. Uh-huh?
Excuse me.
Clay, come on.
It's just you and me.
Open up to me, baby.
How 'bout the way
he's always gotta be
the center of attention
with his little witty remarks?
Are you telling me that
that doesn't make you wanna
kick his face in and
drag him around the office
by his eyeball sockets?
Eric, it sounds like
you've got a bit
of a problem here.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
Don't put this on me.
It's him! It's him!
I... I hate him. I hope he dies.
No, no, no. No, death
is too good for him.
What he deserves is for someone
to take a hot
fireplace poker, and...
It's just kind of more
of that, you know.
I just love you right now.
I hope you learned
something from this.
Oh, I have learned
something, Stacey.
I've learned something
very valuable.
Rico is working for Clay now!
Aren't you, Rico?
Et tu, Rico?
Huh? Yeah.
That's what's going on here.
I am on to you! I'm on to you!
Ned, Ned!
Get ahold of yourself, man!
You're losing your mind!
I am losing my mind.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Rico. I'm sorry.
Ned, look at yourself.
You're a wreck.
You're clammy. You're pasty.
You're bleary-eyed.
Ned, your vest
isn't fully buttoned
and it's the middle
of the afternoon.
And the neighbors saw me
chopping wood like this, too.
Hey, why don't
you go to an island.
Somewhere where
there's sun and surf.
Maybe a nice Club Ned?
The sight of your wisdom teeth
has convinced me. I'll go.
Well, what did Kirkland say?
And what did Clay say back?
Okay.
Tomorrow morning at the meeting
what I want you to do
is tell me what is said,
who said it and
how they said it.
All right.
Fax me a transcript.
I expect it on my
chaise lounge by 10 a.m.
I just love this apartment so
much when Ned's not here.
It's so comfortable and relaxed.
Although... did you ever
notice we have ants?
Uh-oh. Vacation's
over. I'll call you later.
Welcome back.
Have a nice time?
Yeah, I... I had a
really, really lovely time.
Thank you for
encouraging me to go.
Uh, I got you this. Enjoy.
"My fake husband went to Hawaii
"while some young maggot
sabotaged his career,
and all I got was
this lousy T-shirt."
Listen, um, I was
gonna clean up, but, uh,
I couldn't find the
vacuum cleaner.
Ned, are you all right?
Clay had lunch with
Kirkland twice this week.
Last person to have lunch
with Kirkland twice in one week
was... little ol' me.
So you're just
gonna give up, huh?
Yeah.
I have a plan.
It's a happy plan.
A nice plan, actually.
You and I will move upstate.
Open up a little nursery.
I'll get up early in the
morning and spray the ferns
with a fine mist.
You'll spend the days
unloading fertilizer
from a truck.
Well, as tempting
as that sounds, Ned,
I only married you
for this apartment.
The idea of living with
you behind a plant shack
really, well, sucks.
I understand.
What is this?
The Cleo award.
And who won this Cleo
award for a delightfully amusing
Mr. Butter Pops commercial?
Me. Mmm-hmm.
And who got the
account in the first place
by tracking down a disgruntled
ex-employee of a rival agency,
getting him drunk and pumping
him for sensitive information?
Me.
And who shot from mailroom
clerk up to copywriter in four months
by breaking into
the personnel office
and writing effusive notes
on his own very
employee review sheets?
Me again.
And let's not forget
who married someone
who repulses him in order
to get a promotion, huh?
Wasn't that you, Mr. Sad Cheeks?
Yup, me again. No!
No! That would be
the Ned I married.
That Ned was amoral
and unscrupulous.
I don't know who you are.
No, it's me.
It's still me, Stacey.
Well, if it's you,
then get out of bed,
put on a fresh
suit, get to the office
and inflict yourself on others!
Good morning.
Buon giorno.
How's the Clay-man feeling?
Ready to win us some business?
Sure am.
Have a look at this, Les.
I got storyboards
for both ideas.
Mine and Ned's. Aha.
Have a look, my friend.
Aha.
So, uh, which one
do you think I should pitch?
Uh, which one do you like?
Well, to be honest
with you, Les,
I kind of like mine.
I agree. There you go.
Ha, ha, ha.
Uh, remind me.
Which one was yours?
Ah.
Oh. Uh-huh.
Hey, Dorsey. Good
to see you again.
How do?
Hey, Ned, welcome back.
Just in time for the
Siesta pitch, huh?
Is that today?
Golly, I'd completely forgotten.
Oh, I'm such a mellow kitten.
Meow.
Well, uh, Clay here will
bring you up to speed.
I've just got a couple
of details for the meeting
I've gotta take care of.
We need some muffins in here!
So, uh, Ned.
Hope you don't mind
that I'm gonna be
doing the pitching today.
Oh, well, that's just the
way it worked out, isn't it?
Yeah, and I, uh... You
know, I talked it over with Les,
and, uh, he feels
pretty strongly
that I should be, uh... I
should be pitching mine.
Yours?
Well, you know, if it's good
enough for you and Les,
it's good enough for me.
Les's creative instincts
are, shall we say, legendary.
Look, Ned, I know you like
your own idea better, but...
Oh, hey. It doesn't
matter what I think.
It's what you think.
And it looks like you've
got things well in hand.
I do. I do.
Just out of curiosity, what,
uh, what do you think?
Oh, no, no. No.
No, you know I've
been out of the loop,
what with the mandatory
vacation and all.
No, the spotlight's
on you, Clay.
This is your time to shine.
Shine on.
Ned, if you got something
to say about these pictures,
why don't you just
say it. I mean, uh...
Which one do you like better?
Yours.
Mine? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I think you should
pitch your idea, Clay.
Well, I mean, uh, you know,
yours is pretty good too.
Actually, yours is very...
Hey, hey. Come on.
My idea? Nah, too abstract.
Never work. The whole thing
about not mentioning
the product name.
Nah. But your idea.
Oh, that whole thing
about the celebrities
bashing the products,
but comedically, well,
that's not just funny.
That's, uh... That's
Abbott-and-Costello funny.
So, you're abandoning your pitch
and saying that mine is better?
Well, I'm not saying better.
I'm saying much better.
Clay, I intend
to tell the client
you did all the work
You deserve all the credit.
No, I'm just gonna sit here...
quietly...
and enjoy the show.
So, um, like I said before,
uh, we don't mention
the product name. See?
Not even once.
Don't mention the name at all.
Mum's the word on
the product name.
Shh!
'Cause, uh...
'Cause people don't like it.
What the hell is going on?
He's pitching the wrong idea.
Uh, I don't know.
These kids today
with their pot and all.
Um. Ahem. I don't know.
It's, um, a little too abstract.
I just don't think it'll work.
Wait, wait, wait!
I haven't told you
why this'll work.
Well, tell the man, son.
Because... people will
watch it, and... And they'll say,
"Hey, what about that crazy
commercial on TV last night?
"Did you see it?
What was that for?"
"I don't know. Do you?"
Well, thank you
all for your pitch.
I'll be in touch.
Doug?
Can I beg one more minute
of your time?
Hey, come on.
I've always got another minute
for Ned Dorsey. Thanks.
Listen, you know, young Clay
has come up with another pitch
that we all think
is pretty good. Uh-huh.
It involves celebrities
bashing the product,
but in a funny, funny,
hip, irreverent way.
Sounds funny.
It's got possibilities.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you guys work it up.
I'll give it a listen next week.
Absolutely, Doug.
Oh, and Ned.
You pitch it.
No offense, Clay.
Ha! Don't be silly.
None taken.
Thanks, Doug.
Oh, is he the money guy,
or is he the money guy?
Back ten minutes and
he saves an account.
Take down your pants.
I wanna kiss your behind!
For God's sake, Les!
Great job, Ned.
Great job.
Thank you, Pat. Thank you.
But you know, it
was Clay's idea.
Oh, what a guy.
Giving away the credit.
Watch him. You can learn.
Yeah, yeah.
Now, come on, Les.
These boys have work to do.
Good work, Ned.
Now, now, come
on, Little Ranger.
You didn't do so badly...
for a guy who looked like
he was about to go doo-doo.
Well, uh, I guess next
time you tell me something,
I'll believe you.
Good to know.
Hmm, let's examine
the goings-on here.
A young up-and-comer
is heavily recruited
by Ned's agency.
Hmm. Who at this table
should be getting a little worried?
You.
Arsenic has no flavor.
Oh.
Honey?
You know, sometimes
you go too far, Ned.
- Why Ned?
It was business.
Strictly business.
Here's the deal.
To get the promotion,
I needed the wife.
See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So, what the hell, we
up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common?
We irritate each other. Right.
Enjoy the show.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You're not understanding
what I'm saying.
Come on, Rico.
You're not understanding me.
Rico, stop being so didactic
and just make your point.
Yeah, my point is that Gilligan
could definitely kick
the professor's ass.
The professor would beat him
to death with a coconut shell
and then float off the
island on the SS Little Buddy.
Okay, okay. Now,
forget that one.
How about Ginger
versus Mary Ann?
Oh, now that's a
pay-per-view event
I would want to see.
All right.
What are you guys talking about?
Oh, as soon as you left
for the bathroom,
the topic switched from Medicare
to who would win
in a steel cage match,
Mrs. Garrett or Tootie?
And I gotta tell ya, I
still go with Mrs. Garrett.
Built like a linebacker
with a neck as
thick as a tree trunk.
Ned, do you realize
how silly you sound?
Thank you.
Tootie would snap her in half
like a twig.
Ned.
Hey, Clay. Hey.
What're you doing here?
Just passing by on
my way to the gym.
Saw you through the window.
Thought I'd come
in and harass you.
Harass you have. Get a chair.
Everybody, this is Clay Maxwell.
Uh, Clay's new at the agency.
Clay, I think you
know Eric Moyer.
And this is his East German
weightlifting bride, Masculina.
And who might
this lovely lady be?
Well, she might just
be the best damn thing
that's ever happened
to me, but she's not.
She's my wife.
Yeah, I won the lottery.
Hi, I'm Stacey.
Hi, Stacey. Nice to meet you.
I gotta tell you, I love working
with your hubby here.
The only reason I
jumped agencies
was to become his disciple.
Enjoy the Kool-Aid.
Actually, uh, Clay's
just being modest.
The agency went all
out to lure him away
from his old firm,
including a huge signing bonus,
if I may breach confidentiality.
Well, I'll tell you,
it wasn't the money
that lured me.
It was Ned Dorsey.
The man is a legend.
And you're only, what? Fifty?
Eighty.
Well, I gotta run.
Pleasure meeting you all.
Eric, and Ned.
See you at the office, bro.
Okay, buddy. Bye.
Nice to meet you.
Nice meeting you.
He's cute.
And nice.
And young.
Cute, nice and young.
Three things you're not.
Hmm, let's examine
the goings-on here.
A young up-and-comer
is heavily recruited
by Ned's agency.
Hmm.
Who at this table should
be getting a little worried?
You.
I've been planning
to kill you for months.
Okay, you see, the problem, Pat,
is that we are constantly
slamming the
audience in the head
with the product name.
I mean, we're mentioning
it over and over and over.
Now, what I propose
we pitch for this campaign
is that we don't mention
the product name once.
You think the Siesta
people will go for that?
I mean, people won't know
what the commercial is for.
Word of mouth.
"Hey, did you see that
crazy commercial last night?"
"I did."
"What was it for?"
"I have no idea,
but I must have it."
It's interesting.
It's innovative.
It's a different approach.
Isn't it though?
When Ned pitched
that to me, I said,
"Ned, that is an
interesting, different
and, yes, innovative approach."
So, what does our new
man think about this?
Well...
Instead of Ned's approach,
where we, uh, risk
confusion about the product,
why don't we embrace the notion
of beating the audience over
the head with the brand name,
but... do it comically.
For example?
I don't know, uh, maybe get, uh,
George Clooney.
"Siesta Sunglasses?
I don't think so."
Or, uh, Heather Locklear.
"Siesta Sunglasses?
What the hell are they?"
And... And... And...
And the tagline.
"Siesta Sunglasses.
Don't worry. They'll
come around."
That is good.
That is very clever.
Huh? What did I tell you
when you pitched
that to me earlier?
Clever.
Well, it is clever.
But I gotta tell you,
I think it's gonna
bust the budget of the client.
I mean, you start out
wanting George Clooney,
you end up with Larry Storch.
Ah-ha. Where you been, Ned?
Larry Storch is hot again.
Gee, I guess we didn't
get that news at the home.
Okay, okay.
No, I like both of
your approaches.
So, why don't you
hash them out together.
That okay with you, Ned?
Sure.
I'm always open to
new and fresh ideas.
Well, good enough, then.
Good enough, then.
Clay, you did a great job.
I love the way you look.
Tie, the jeans.
It's nice to have some
young blood around here.
Hey, I'm just glad
to be at a place
that knows how to
take care of its people.
I mean, you got the
great medical benefits, 401
and that mandatory
vacation policy? Wow.
Well, we don't want any
burnouts in this company.
Me, I took a four-by-four
through the Australian outback
for six days, came back
full of piss and vinegar.
And at your age, that burns.
So, uh, Ned?
Where'd you go on vacation?
Huh?
Where'd you go?
Yeah, where did you
go this year, Ned?
Uh, I drove a four-by-four
across the Australian outback.
Didn't you see me? I waved.
Okay! Got to get going.
Lots of office
supplies to steal.
Hold it a minute.
Are you saying that you did not
take a vacation this year?
No. You're saying
I didn't take a
vacation this year.
See ya. Uh, uh.
I'm afraid I have to insist
that you take your two weeks,
effective immediately.
No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Ah, it's not open
for debate. I'm sorry.
Now, Clay. You can
get the Siesta pitch
in shape all by
yourself, can't you?
Well, I didn't expect
to jump right in,
but I'll certainly
do the best I can.
Hey, hey, hey!
I don't need a vacation, Pat!
I don't want a vacation.
See you in two weeks.
My God, that was embarrassing.
I'm just glad it happened
to you and not to me.
Drop me a postcard, huh?
Read 'em and weep.
Ha, ha, ha.
Ronald?
No, you can't use that, Stacey.
Why not? It's a proper name.
Not only. How about,
"Hand me that ronald"?
Oh, stop it. You cheat so bad.
Oh, God. Fine.
God, I just...
I just can't concentrate
with him out there doing that.
Oh, Clay, need a little trim
around the ears?
Hiiiii-ya!
Let's see. Who else can we pitch
for the campaign? Let's see.
Hmm, maybe, let's see,
Charo, Jamie Farr, Larry Storch.
Or how about you, Clay?!
Now there's a man who knows
how to enjoy a vacation.
God, it has been like
this for three days.
He's been constantly
chopping and pacing
and shouting at infomercials.
Hey, Ned. Ned!
Ned, come on in here, buddy.
Hands down, scariest
thing I've ever seen.
Well, you two must
be really happy
right about now,
getting your wish and all.
Yeah, I get kicked out
of my kingdom, huh?
In the meantime,
Clay's ingratiating himself
to the new client,
cozying up to Kirkland,
lifting his leg on
my office furniture
and marking his territory!
Are you happy?
I'm happy.
I've been torturing
this dog all day.
Meow, meow, meow, meow.
Ned.
Coward.
Ned, your vacation
is making me tense.
Maybe you should, oh,
I don't know, go away.
No. Too much to do,
too damn little
time to do it in.
Rico, I got a project in mind.
Come with me. All right...
I... I love you, Amanda.
Okay, big guy, well, what is it?
Uh, Ned, look I know
you're on vacation and
everything, but, uh...
Hold that. Uh...
Ned? Ned, okay.
Yeah, well, we've discussed this
several times, Ned,
and I would prefer it
if you didn't tape things to me.
This is a micro-recorder.
You are gonna help me
get Clay to admit on tape
that he's trying to ruin me
and take my job.
Now, listen to me.
All you have to do
is lead him along.
Eventually, his master plan
is gonna come spilling out
faster than pig's
blood at Carrie's prom.
Later, I'm going
to play the tape
to Kirkland, and
Clay is gonna be fired.
Oh, it's gonna be sweet.
Leave us in peace!
Hey.
Oh, hey.
So, hey, how 'bout that
Ned being gone, huh?
Pardon?
Oh, I... I said, um,
uh, Ned being gone.
Pretty good deal, ain't it?
If you say so.
Are... Are you saying so?
Look, uh, Eric, I
really gotta work
on these storyboards, okay?
Oh, oh, you... For
the Siesta campaign.
Yeah, yeah.
Sure am glad you're
handling that account,
not that slacker, uh...
You know who I mean.
Ned?
So... So you... You
think Ned's a slacker?
No.
No, not at all. I don't...
Oh, come on, the way that guy
struts around here, thinking
everything he spouts is gold?
That's got to just
irritate the hell out
of you. Uh-huh?
Excuse me.
Clay, come on.
It's just you and me.
Open up to me, baby.
How 'bout the way
he's always gotta be
the center of attention
with his little witty remarks?
Are you telling me that
that doesn't make you wanna
kick his face in and
drag him around the office
by his eyeball sockets?
Eric, it sounds like
you've got a bit
of a problem here.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
Don't put this on me.
It's him! It's him!
I... I hate him. I hope he dies.
No, no, no. No, death
is too good for him.
What he deserves is for someone
to take a hot
fireplace poker, and...
It's just kind of more
of that, you know.
I just love you right now.
I hope you learned
something from this.
Oh, I have learned
something, Stacey.
I've learned something
very valuable.
Rico is working for Clay now!
Aren't you, Rico?
Et tu, Rico?
Huh? Yeah.
That's what's going on here.
I am on to you! I'm on to you!
Ned, Ned!
Get ahold of yourself, man!
You're losing your mind!
I am losing my mind.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Rico. I'm sorry.
Ned, look at yourself.
You're a wreck.
You're clammy. You're pasty.
You're bleary-eyed.
Ned, your vest
isn't fully buttoned
and it's the middle
of the afternoon.
And the neighbors saw me
chopping wood like this, too.
Hey, why don't
you go to an island.
Somewhere where
there's sun and surf.
Maybe a nice Club Ned?
The sight of your wisdom teeth
has convinced me. I'll go.
Well, what did Kirkland say?
And what did Clay say back?
Okay.
Tomorrow morning at the meeting
what I want you to do
is tell me what is said,
who said it and
how they said it.
All right.
Fax me a transcript.
I expect it on my
chaise lounge by 10 a.m.
I just love this apartment so
much when Ned's not here.
It's so comfortable and relaxed.
Although... did you ever
notice we have ants?
Uh-oh. Vacation's
over. I'll call you later.
Welcome back.
Have a nice time?
Yeah, I... I had a
really, really lovely time.
Thank you for
encouraging me to go.
Uh, I got you this. Enjoy.
"My fake husband went to Hawaii
"while some young maggot
sabotaged his career,
and all I got was
this lousy T-shirt."
Listen, um, I was
gonna clean up, but, uh,
I couldn't find the
vacuum cleaner.
Ned, are you all right?
Clay had lunch with
Kirkland twice this week.
Last person to have lunch
with Kirkland twice in one week
was... little ol' me.
So you're just
gonna give up, huh?
Yeah.
I have a plan.
It's a happy plan.
A nice plan, actually.
You and I will move upstate.
Open up a little nursery.
I'll get up early in the
morning and spray the ferns
with a fine mist.
You'll spend the days
unloading fertilizer
from a truck.
Well, as tempting
as that sounds, Ned,
I only married you
for this apartment.
The idea of living with
you behind a plant shack
really, well, sucks.
I understand.
What is this?
The Cleo award.
And who won this Cleo
award for a delightfully amusing
Mr. Butter Pops commercial?
Me. Mmm-hmm.
And who got the
account in the first place
by tracking down a disgruntled
ex-employee of a rival agency,
getting him drunk and pumping
him for sensitive information?
Me.
And who shot from mailroom
clerk up to copywriter in four months
by breaking into
the personnel office
and writing effusive notes
on his own very
employee review sheets?
Me again.
And let's not forget
who married someone
who repulses him in order
to get a promotion, huh?
Wasn't that you, Mr. Sad Cheeks?
Yup, me again. No!
No! That would be
the Ned I married.
That Ned was amoral
and unscrupulous.
I don't know who you are.
No, it's me.
It's still me, Stacey.
Well, if it's you,
then get out of bed,
put on a fresh
suit, get to the office
and inflict yourself on others!
Good morning.
Buon giorno.
How's the Clay-man feeling?
Ready to win us some business?
Sure am.
Have a look at this, Les.
I got storyboards
for both ideas.
Mine and Ned's. Aha.
Have a look, my friend.
Aha.
So, uh, which one
do you think I should pitch?
Uh, which one do you like?
Well, to be honest
with you, Les,
I kind of like mine.
I agree. There you go.
Ha, ha, ha.
Uh, remind me.
Which one was yours?
Ah.
Oh. Uh-huh.
Hey, Dorsey. Good
to see you again.
How do?
Hey, Ned, welcome back.
Just in time for the
Siesta pitch, huh?
Is that today?
Golly, I'd completely forgotten.
Oh, I'm such a mellow kitten.
Meow.
Well, uh, Clay here will
bring you up to speed.
I've just got a couple
of details for the meeting
I've gotta take care of.
We need some muffins in here!
So, uh, Ned.
Hope you don't mind
that I'm gonna be
doing the pitching today.
Oh, well, that's just the
way it worked out, isn't it?
Yeah, and I, uh... You
know, I talked it over with Les,
and, uh, he feels
pretty strongly
that I should be, uh... I
should be pitching mine.
Yours?
Well, you know, if it's good
enough for you and Les,
it's good enough for me.
Les's creative instincts
are, shall we say, legendary.
Look, Ned, I know you like
your own idea better, but...
Oh, hey. It doesn't
matter what I think.
It's what you think.
And it looks like you've
got things well in hand.
I do. I do.
Just out of curiosity, what,
uh, what do you think?
Oh, no, no. No.
No, you know I've
been out of the loop,
what with the mandatory
vacation and all.
No, the spotlight's
on you, Clay.
This is your time to shine.
Shine on.
Ned, if you got something
to say about these pictures,
why don't you just
say it. I mean, uh...
Which one do you like better?
Yours.
Mine? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I think you should
pitch your idea, Clay.
Well, I mean, uh, you know,
yours is pretty good too.
Actually, yours is very...
Hey, hey. Come on.
My idea? Nah, too abstract.
Never work. The whole thing
about not mentioning
the product name.
Nah. But your idea.
Oh, that whole thing
about the celebrities
bashing the products,
but comedically, well,
that's not just funny.
That's, uh... That's
Abbott-and-Costello funny.
So, you're abandoning your pitch
and saying that mine is better?
Well, I'm not saying better.
I'm saying much better.
Clay, I intend
to tell the client
you did all the work
You deserve all the credit.
No, I'm just gonna sit here...
quietly...
and enjoy the show.
So, um, like I said before,
uh, we don't mention
the product name. See?
Not even once.
Don't mention the name at all.
Mum's the word on
the product name.
Shh!
'Cause, uh...
'Cause people don't like it.
What the hell is going on?
He's pitching the wrong idea.
Uh, I don't know.
These kids today
with their pot and all.
Um. Ahem. I don't know.
It's, um, a little too abstract.
I just don't think it'll work.
Wait, wait, wait!
I haven't told you
why this'll work.
Well, tell the man, son.
Because... people will
watch it, and... And they'll say,
"Hey, what about that crazy
commercial on TV last night?
"Did you see it?
What was that for?"
"I don't know. Do you?"
Well, thank you
all for your pitch.
I'll be in touch.
Doug?
Can I beg one more minute
of your time?
Hey, come on.
I've always got another minute
for Ned Dorsey. Thanks.
Listen, you know, young Clay
has come up with another pitch
that we all think
is pretty good. Uh-huh.
It involves celebrities
bashing the product,
but in a funny, funny,
hip, irreverent way.
Sounds funny.
It's got possibilities.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you guys work it up.
I'll give it a listen next week.
Absolutely, Doug.
Oh, and Ned.
You pitch it.
No offense, Clay.
Ha! Don't be silly.
None taken.
Thanks, Doug.
Oh, is he the money guy,
or is he the money guy?
Back ten minutes and
he saves an account.
Take down your pants.
I wanna kiss your behind!
For God's sake, Les!
Great job, Ned.
Great job.
Thank you, Pat. Thank you.
But you know, it
was Clay's idea.
Oh, what a guy.
Giving away the credit.
Watch him. You can learn.
Yeah, yeah.
Now, come on, Les.
These boys have work to do.
Good work, Ned.
Now, now, come
on, Little Ranger.
You didn't do so badly...
for a guy who looked like
he was about to go doo-doo.
Well, uh, I guess next
time you tell me something,
I'll believe you.
Good to know.
Hmm, let's examine
the goings-on here.
A young up-and-comer
is heavily recruited
by Ned's agency.
Hmm. Who at this table
should be getting a little worried?
You.
Arsenic has no flavor.
Oh.
Honey?
You know, sometimes
you go too far, Ned.