Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 1, Episode 14 - New Year's Eve - full transcript

- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?

It was business.
Strictly business.

Here's the deal.

To get the promotion,
I needed the wife.

See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.

So, what the hell, we
up and got married.

The only thing we
have in common?

We irritate each other. Right.

Enjoy the show.

I cannot believe

that you invited that
Frank Stone freak



to the party tonight.

Do you want some
cheese with that whine?

Look, he's a big client. Guys.

Guys!

I don't care.

At the last party he was
pawing at me all night.

Look, he does
that with everyone.

He even threw me
down on a bed once.

Ha, ha, ha.

Come on, Rico, you coming?

Uh, yeah. No.

Are you getting off?

Uh, yeah.

No. Look, I'm sick
of their fighting.



Let's go home.

What?

I thought we were
gonna make cookies.

Rico, the game
starts in 5 minutes.

I'm late for a
doctor's appointment.

Look, you guys have been
at each other all afternoon.

My ears are ringing.

We won't fight
anymore. We promise.

Right.

We won't fight
anymore. We promise.

Smiling and happy we are.

See, honey, come on.

Come on! Come on.

Okay!

Oh, Stacey, the
door is stuck again!

Oh, and it's my fault?

Ah, yes, it's your fault.

Ugh, goodbye.

Damn door.

Stacey, you were supposed

to call the building
super about that.

Why don't you call him.

'Cause I have something
that's known as a steady job.

Let me reveal yet
another concept to you.

This is a hanger.

Not only do we use
these for hanging coats,

but according to Joan Crawford,

we can also beat
people with them.

You are so anal.

Ooh, look, Ned.

Ah!

The plant is a
half-inch off-center.

Ooh, the world is
coming to an end.

Not soon enough, sissy.

That is it.

I'm gone.

The door's stuck.

I can't leave.

Oh, great.

The cable doesn't work.

Did you call the company
to replace the box

that you used as a
coaster for your Fresca?

God, I don't believe this.

It's New Year's Eve,

one of the best nights
of the year, potentially,

and I'm stuck
here having to play

the little fake wife for him.

Hm. That's too bad,

what with all the hundreds
of offers you have coming in.

Yeah.

Rico, let's go watch the
game in the bedroom,

where the men are men,

and the women are out here.

I'll be... Yeah, yeah,
yeah. Have fun.

He's getting worse, Amanda.

Stacey, let's make a
New Year's resolution.

Let's try to keep
the amount of time

that you complain
to me about Ned

down to, oh, say,
20 hours a day.

Can I just tell you what
he said this morning...?

I thought we were gonna
watch the football game.

Hey, hey, the game can wait.

I just want you to see
what I have to live with.

Oh.

Okay, so it's a messy room.

Not just a messy room.

A messy mind.

A messy soul.

You know, y-you're
breaking the skin, Ned.

Come on. You have
to look under the bed.

No, I don't think
we should. Hey.

You have to be able
to tell the authorities

in case something happens to me.

Now, what do you see?

Well, uh, that's a Big Gulp,

a unicycle,

half a Thigh Master...

Hello?

This is she.

Hi! How are you?

Of course I remember you, Don.

You are?

Well, I-I

sort of have just some
casual plans tonight,

but, uh, what the
hell, let's get together.

Who is it?

I'm not sure.

Oh, okay.

911 Fifth Avenue.

Okay.

I'll see you at 7.

Ah! Ha-ha!

Stacey,

who did you just make a
New Year's Eve date with?

Remember the two
brothers from Omaha

that I met in St.
Thomas last year?

Remember, one was really cute

and wore those
funky baggy trunks,

and the other one wore
Speedos, and, well, shouldn't have?

And you don't know
which one that was, do you?

Well, no.

But at least now I
have a fifty-fifty shot

of having a really
great New Year's Eve.

Come to dinner with us, okay?

Please, please, please.

Stacey, you are wearing me out.

Three pairs of leotards,

an Italian sausage,

a snow tire...

What are you doing?

What is he doing?

I don't know.

Get out.

And, by the way,

you're officially unburdened
of my company tonight.

What?

What are you talking about?

Well, as it happens,
I have a date.

I decided to accept one
of my hundreds of offers.

Stacey, you are
on wife duty tonight.

The clients expect to
see you at the party.

Well, make an excuse.

I can miss one of
your stupid parties.

And since I grate
on you so much,

you'll have a better
time without me, right?

Fine.

Fine.

Go off with your fancy gigolo.

See if I care.

But I gotta tell you,

he must be quite
the grand champion,

calling you three
hours in advance

for a New Year's Eve date.

Hey, he happens to
be a sweet and nice

and... possibly attractive guy,

which, by the way,

is a refreshing change
of pace from you.

Oh. Offer him my
deepest condolences.

Ha-ha. I win!

You've got some plants
in there that need pruning.

I'll get it.

I'll get it.

Hi, Stacey.

Ha-ha! Hi, Don.

Baggy trunks.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

It's great to see you too.

And what a break you were free.

Yeah.

Hey, this is a great place.

And what a great
view you have here.

Oh, it is, isn't it?

Okay, let's go.

Hey, hey, what's going on?

A party?

Uh... Oh!

So there is. Ha-ha.

I guess my
roommate is giving it.

Oh, you have a roommate.

Well, I'd love to meet her.

Yeah, um.

Hey.

Um, that's my roommate.

Oh, you live with a guy.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Oh.

He's a...

choreographer.

Oh!

Oh, ha-ha.

Okay, let's go.

Wait a second!

Is that your young suitor?

I wanna meet him.

Those hors d'oeuvres
are all wrong.

Get it right, or get out!

Oh, so much to do,
so little time to do it.

Ned Dorsey. Good to see you.

Ah, Don Morelli.

Nice to meet you.

Well, he is cute,

and I see you're wearing

one of the dresses
I picked out for you.

Ha. He did pick this out.

Actually, that is true.

Well, left to her own devices,

she looks like Charlene Tilton

on a bad day.

Ha-ha!

Ooh, something burst!

Oh.

Ha-ha!

Okay. Let's go.

Okay.

Hey, nice to meet you.

Have a Happy New Year.

Mon plaisir,

you big slab of meat-cake.

Thanks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So this is great, huh?

Yeah, this is really very nice.

Yeah. A lovely way to
welcome the New Year.

Don, are you still working
with the public defender's office?

Oh, no, no. You're
thinking of my brother.

Really? Mm-hm.

But I thought in St. Thomas

you told me all those
really interesting stories

about all those crazy
cases that you handle.

Heh-heh.

No, that was my brother.

But they are great stories.

So, um, remind me...

What is it that you do?

Oh, I work for Publishers
Clearing House.

Uh-huh. Right.

Right.

Well, well, that's...
That's great.

Well, hey, maybe
you could fix it

so I could win a million.

Ha-ha.

Uh, no, that's all
completely aboveboard.

Ah. That's okay.

I may already be a winner.

Ha! That's what they say on...

Well, I'm not privy
to that information.

I work in the
subscription department.

Uh-huh. Oh, well,
that's interesting.

Yeah.

You know, it really is.

I oversee a computerized
distribution system

that I actually helped design.

You know, it takes a
little while to explain,

but, uh... Well, you
guys are interested.

Sure, I want to
hear all about it.

Sure, ya! Sure!

Great. Okay.

Hey, Tom, how are you?

Good to see you again.

Lucy, nice to see you.

Looking lovely as always, huh?

Roger!

Drinking the amber
liquid once again,

you two-fisted cowboy.

I hope you're no
one's designated driver.

Huh? Okay.

Good, good.

Drunken idiot.

Frank Stone!

Glad you could make it.

Hey, Ned.

So where's that saucy
little wife of yours, hm?

Not here.

Not here.

Guess you're
gonna have to rub up

against the lamp this year.

Ted!

Ted, you old whisker-biscuit,
how you doing?

Good to see you.

Susan, when are you
gonna dump this loser,

run away with me?

Oh, Ned, stop.

So where is Stacey, huh?

She's so cute.

She wanted to see
pictures of my new house.

Too late.

Grabbed a camera,
went and took her own.

Oop.

Oop.

Hey, Fran, Bruce!

Get in here before the
neighbors call the police.

How are you? Happy
New Year, Ned.

So where's that
charming wife of yours?

Don't you have her?

A little New Year cheer.

Hey.

My favorite power couple.

Les, Bernadette. Hey, Ned.

Great party. It is.

I haven't seen...

She's not here!

I'm sorry. I... What
were you gonna ask?

Where's Stacey?

She's not here!

Okay there, buddy boy?

I'm fine.

So, uh, where is Stacey?

She had... an emergency.

Oh.

Is she okay?

Ah, well, it wasn't
actually Stacey.

It was... her brother?

He's in the hospital.

What happened to him?

Scurvy.

Ah, these crazy kids today,

with their long hair

and their loud banging music,

and their scurvy.

Don't get me started on it.

So now what we've got

is absolute, state-of-the-art,

demographic cross-referencing

We know before you do

what magazine
you're likely to want,

whether it's, uh,

Popular Science,
Sports Illustrated,

Dr. Kevorkian's Newsletter.

Hm? Excuse me? Nothing.

Oh look, I'm sorry to drone on,

but, gosh, I could talk about

magazine distribution
till the cows come home.

Moo.

Oh, no, just... Just kidding.

Oh, wow, look at the time.

It's 11:00.

Well, we... We gotta go.

No, no, no, you guys.

It's not even midnight yet.

Oh, yeah, I know, Stace,

but the thing is, um, that, ah,

we really need to, um...

well, leave.

Well, it was really
nice meeting you both.

It was nice meeting
you too, Don.

HAPPY New Year. Happy New Year.

Happy New Year, Stace.

Night. Hey!

And look out for that big
sweepstakes envelope

comin' at ya.

You gotta be in it to win it.

Okay. All right.

Oh, they're nice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, Don, here we are.

Here we are.

Oh, do you remember
in St. Thomas

when we went to that karaoke bar

and you made up those
really funny lyrics to...

Oh.

That was your
brother, wasn't it?

Yup.

Listen, Stacey,

when I called you before,

you thought I was him, right?

No, no, no.

No, I thought that you were you.

Yeah, but with his
life and personality?

Maybe.

Don't worry about it.

Happens all the time.

I'm the one with the good looks.

My brother's the one
with the wit and charm.

Hey, if you could fuse
us into one person,

we'd be quite a catch.

Ha-ha!

That's funny.

Yeah, well, that's his line.

Look, uh,

I don't even own any
Neil Sedaka records.

Look at you, so sad,

standing there all by yourself.

You're breaking my heart.

No, no.

No, I'm having a good time.

Having a good time.

Talk to him, Les.

Come on, Dorsey.

It's me.

I know you.

You're hurting inside.

Les, I'm fine.

Ned, it's obvious to everyone,

you wanna be with
Stacey right now.

No, no, no, no.

Having a great time.

Having a great
time at the party.

In fact, you know,

I was even thinking
about starting a conga line.

You.

In front.

Look, Dorsey,

maybe it's the Campari
and soda talking,

but I gotta tell you, I've
seen a real change in you

since you married Stacey.

I got a gut feeling you
two are together for life.

Oh, God!

Look at that.

What's the matter with Ned?

He misses Stacey.

No.

Don't miss the missus.

Where is she?

She's in the hospital
with her brother.

What's wrong with her brother?

Scurvy.

Scurvy?

Look, Dorsey,

we're gonna be all right here.

Why don't you just... What?

Go be with her at midnight.

No, no. No, no.

I've got to stay here and
host you... You people.

You need hosting. No.

I'm gonna do it
from this position.

Bring me a drink,
conga boy! You go.

Go be with Stacey.

Be with your wife.

No, no. No.

Go be with her.

Go, Ned.

All right, all right.

Go to her, Ned.

All right!

I'm going! Don't push me.

Ah, good evening, Cornelius.

Ah, Mr. Dorsey.

And a very happy, um...

What is this?

Thanksgiving?

No, no. No.

Election Day. Oh!

Better get to the polls
early before they close.

Why, I already went.

Voted for Mr. Roosevelt again.

Good choice.

Listen, before you black
out, Happy New Year!

It is cold out there.

I know. Let's put the heat on.

No, no, no, no.

I got a better idea.

Mm. Mm.

God, you throw a
couple of beers in you,

and all hell breaks loose.

Honey?

Yeah?

Do you think we should
have left Stacey alone

in that restaurant
with that guy?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, sure.

She's fine.

No, really.

I'm starting to
feel a little guilty

that we should
have stayed longer.

Well, if it's any consolation,

it felt like longer.

Yeah, he was such a bore.

I'm starting to think she
gets along better with Ned.

All right, well, look,
let's make a rule.

From now on, no more
talking about Ned and Stacey

when we're in our
underwear or less.

Well, gee.

Okay.

You ready to ring
in the New Year?

Yeah, let's ring.

Hey, get a room.

How the hell did
you get in here?

Rico gave me a key.

You gave him a key?

When we went away
to the Poconos last year,

so he'd feed the cat.

I wish he'd remembered.

Well, what are you
doing here now?

Oh, I got kicked
out of my own party.

All the guests thought

that I should be
with Stacey, my wife.

Yeah, right.

You know, I knew that
she would figure out a way

to reach out from the grave

and mess up my New Year's Eve.

But I'm not gonna let her.

No.

Damn it, I'm not.

Let's party.

Ah, we were kinda

doing that on our own, Ned.

Oh,

conjugal relations, huh?

Yeah.

Huh?

Well, Godspeed to ya,

or not.

Ha-ha-ha!

I'll be over here
reading a magazine.

Let me know when you're done.

Ned.

Yeah.

How should I, um, put this?

Get the hell out.

Before midnight?

Happy New Year, buddy.

Okay.

Okay, fine.

Fine. Happy New Year to you.

But let me tell you something:

you're not the first people

to throw me out of their bedroom

while trying to have
sex on New Year's Eve...

and you won't be the last.

Hello, Cornelius.

Hello, Mother.

Stacey.

Stacey.

Oh, hi, Bernadette.

Hi, Les.

How's your brother?

He's, um, fine.

Ned said he had scurvy.

Ah, well, yes, yes.

He's, um...

He's fine except for the scurvy.

Oh, well. STACEY:
What a blessing.

Thank goodness.

Um, where's Ned?

He went to the
hospital to be with you.

You must have missed each other.

Oh.

Oh, well. I'll just
be in my bedroom.

Oh, don't be silly.

Go. Be with him.

But it's cold out.

Oh, you wanna be
with your husband

when the New Year comes in.

Yeah, you should have fun.

Have a toast.

Enjoy yourself.

Happy New Year.

Bye.

Bye.

Hey, Happy New Year to ya.

Boy, thank you, sir.

Thank you.

Party's paid for.

Evenin', ma'am.

Hello.

Taxicab for ya?

No.

Actually, I really have
nowhere else to go.

What a coincidence.

Neither do I.

My brother's scurvy is
clearing up quite nicely.

He's a good kid.

Just needed to eat more citrus.

Ten, nine, eight,

seven, six, five,

four, three, two, one.

Happy New Year!

Yay! Hooray!

Happy New Year, Stacey.

Happy New Year, Ned.

Uh, Better Homes and Gardens,

Um, Vogue,

House Beautiful,

Cat Fancier,

National Geographic...

Oh, are you happy now?

You bored her to death.

You'd be surprised
how often that happens.

Wait a second.

Am I in one of those wacky
scenes they put under the credits?

Yeah, there they go.

Right across my face.

I'm outta here.

Oh, go back to Omaha.

Take a hike.

Killjoy!