Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 9, Episode 8 - The She-Creature - full transcript

♪ In the not too
distant future ♪

♪ Somewhere in time and space

♪ Mike Nelson and
his robot pals ♪

♪ Are caught in
an endless chase ♪

♪ Pursued by a woman
whose name is Pearl ♪

♪ An evil gal who wants
to rule the world ♪

♪ She threw a few
things in her purse ♪

♪ And in a rocket
ship she hunts him ♪

♪ All across the universe

- [Pearl] I'll get you!

♪ I'll send him cheesy movies

♪ The worst I can find

♪ La-la-la

♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all ♪

♪ And I'll monitor his mind

♪ La-la-la

♪ Now keep in mind,
Mike can't control ♪

♪ Where the movies
begin or end ♪

♪ La-la-la

♪ He'll try to keep his sanity

♪ With the help of
his robot friends ♪

♪ Robot roll call

♪ Cambot
- You're on.

♪ Gypsy
- Oh my stars.

♪ Tom Servo
- Check me out.

♪ Crow
- I'm different.

♪ If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes ♪

♪ And other science facts

♪ La-la-la

♪ Just repeat to yourself,
it's just a show ♪

♪ I should really just relax

♪ For Mystery Science
Theater 3000 ♪

[doors whirring and closing]

- Help! [chuckles]

Help!

- Crow, what is it?

- Hey Mike, give me a
hand here, will you?

I'm having a real problem
with my Thighmaster.

Probably should've
looked at the directions

before I started
messing with it, but no,

I just had to work
on my trouble spots.

- Hey Crow, did you know
this was a Thaw Master?

- What?

A Thaw Master?

Well, how do you
like that? [chuckles]

- Hi Mike, hi Crow.

Say guys, breakfast is
gonna be a little late.

This pot roast just
won't thaw yet.

There's something wrong
with the Thaw Master.

No Servo, this is a Thighmaster.

- A Thighmaster?

Well, no wonder.

[all laughing]

- This is never gonna thaw.

We'll be right back.

- Son of a gun.

That's good.

[upbeat music]

Thaw Master, Thighmaster.

Thighmaster, Thaw Master.

Reminds me of that
time I tried to wear

that hand-hammered
wok for underpants.

- Yeah, that really...

Hey, Mrs. Forrester's calling.

- We'll begin with
a frontal cut.

- But has he been washed?

- I washed him
earlier with my mind.

It was not pleasant.

Hi guys.

Things have
deteriorated down here.

Unless I'm mistaken,
and frankly, what
are the odds of that?

The brain guys are
about to dissect Bobo.

Say, could we get on
with this dissection?

I think it's almost mealtime.

- Bobo's very stupid.

Anyway, I'm locked in
some kind of force-field.

[electricity humming]

So here's the deal.

I know you guys despise
me, even loathe me.

So could you help me out?

- Careful, careful.

- I need a distraction
of some kind.

If you can think of
something, I promise

to never show you
another bad movie again.

Really.

Never again, ever.

- Hmm, you think
we can trust her?

- I don't know.

- Pwease?

Pwease, pwetty
pwease, for Pearl?

Pearl needs a
distraction so bad.

Pwease?

Come on.

For Pearl.

Pwease?

- Ugh.
- My god, stop it!

- Okay, fine, fine.

Just don't do that.

Maybe the nanites have an idea.

Hello, nanites, could
you create a distraction?

- Distraction?

Cool.
- I know, I know, I know.

We can send a fleet of tiny
ships down there to pants them.

- Well, gee, that seems
kinda complicated.

- I know.

Simpler, sure, okay.

I know, we could always
biosynthesize an android

and send down there to
say, Hey, look over there.

- Great, why don't you
just cut the tractor beam

that's holding us here?

- Ah, fine, a
number three, sure.

- We never get to
do anything fun.

There, it's done.

- Hey, great.

How's that, Mrs. Forrester?

Is that distracting?

- What the devil was that?

- Very distracting.

- Yes.

- Observer, you remain here.

And I will check it out.

- Certainly.

- Guard.

Hey, guard.

I got a sick man in here.

- Do you mean me?

Because I'm not sick.

I'm being dissected.

- Shut up.
- Okay.

- Your friend Observer
created an invisible man

with his mind and put
him in here with me.

- I suppose that's possible-

- Yeah, and now he's
looking real sick.

Uh-oh, you better
get in here quick.

I don't think you'd
want him to die.

- Well, where is here?

- Well, he's right
over there, look.

Oh boy, he sure looks bad.

- I'm sorry, I'm just not-

- kay, beautiful,
you and your brain

are coming with me, Mister.

- Oh, don't hurt
my brain, please.

- Everything's nice
and comfortable.

Everybody's okay.

Just keep coming with me.

Come on, Bobo, we're
getting off this planet.

- Wouldn't it be
more polite to wait

until after I'm dissected?

- Shut up!
- Okay.

- You put down that thing!

- I'm not putting down that!

[all shouting at once]

Mike, I accidentally lied.

Your movie today
is She Creature.

I'm not putting down the thing!

[all shouting at once]

- She Creature?

You know who I'm thinking
is a she creature?

Huh?
- Yeah?

- Huh?
- Yeah?

- Huh?
Yeah?

- Hey, I tried to steer
us away from the planet,

but the stupid smart guys have
cut our navigational system.

- Well, maybe the
nanites can take care

of that little problem, huh?

- Yeah, we'll fix your little
problem for you, uh-huh.

Hey Steve, Mr. Nelson wants
a number seven, pronto.

- Well there you go,
that took care...

Hey, what's a number
seven, anyway?

[explosion booming]
[all shouting]

- Mike, you blew
up another planet!

What is your deal?

- I just told 'em to take
care of a little problem.

- And they did!

Here comes Mike,
destroyer of worlds.

- Oh god of fire and
vengeance, stay away from me.

Get away from me.

[alarm buzzing]
- We got movie sign.

[doors whirring and opening]

- Planet killer.
- I didn't, it's not me.

- This is as colorful as
the movie's gonna get.

- [Tom] Ah, The RuPaul Story.

[eerie music]

- [Mike] Hey, Tim Conway as
Dorf is going to be in this.

- [Tom] Hey, there's Tim Finn.

There's Gil Hodges.

There's Gil Gerard.

There goes Joe Pesci.

There's Prunella Scales.

There's Abe Vigoda.

Is there a sturgeon
in the house?

Can I borrow a fin?

- Sea turtle.
- Yes, I do. [laughing]

Based on drunken comments
made one night by Lou Rusoff.

- At least the production
was supervised.

Things didn't get out of hand.

- [Tom] Clearly the ocean
does not have metered ramps.

Oh, it's humid today.

Oof.

[thunder crashing]

- Oh, Lee Trevino goes fishing.

- [Mike] Samuel Z. Dunkoff.

- [Tom] Yeah, Samuel
Z. Wienerhead.

- [Mike] Well, I think
ideally it should be

related to his name.
- Oh.

Hey, there's Bennett
Cerf, and Billy Ocean!

- [Mike] Stop it, Servo.

- Once again folks, a
Golden State Production.

- [Tom] Is this a
Show-Me-State Production?

- No, I think it's a
Golden State Production.

- [Mike] Wait a minute,
wasn't it already

produced by someone?

- [Tom] Edward Cahn, Edward
Cahn, let me rock it,

that's all I wanna do.

Edward Cahn, let me rock
you, that's all I wanna do.

- Gidget meets Magritte.

- [Carlo] Now, on this
very night, I am calling

from the unknown
depths of time itself.

- [Tom] Uh-huh, and you are?

- [Carlo] And she is here.

And with her coming, the
world will never be as it was.

- [Tom] Your Fluffer
Nutters spilled.

- [Narrator] Neither man
nor animal will be the same.

- Nor manimal.

- [Carlo] This, I,
Dr. Carlo Lombardi,

have brought into being.

- [Tom] Dr. Carlo
Lombardi of Yonkers.

[dog barking]

- And I, Dr. Woof Woof Lombardi.

- [Tom] Well, I can
certainly see how, sleep!

I need my worm
medicine, I need it now.

- What's that?

Grandpa Lombardi
fell down a well?

- [Tom] I'm sorry, Mr. Lombardi.

I mistook you for someone else.

I know my family owes you a lot.

Look, you smell like spam.

It was my mistake, my mistake.

God, I hate cats.

I left a present for you in
the front seat of your car.

- [Mike] Top breeder
Bat Masterson.

- Hmm, Howard the Duck was here.

- [Mike] I've got
sand in my Derby.

♪ Hey, hey, I'm the Monkee

♪ People say I monkey around

- Fun times at the
Kennedy compound.

- [Tom] Here you
go, Mr. Trafficante.

- Enjoying your weekend
with the idle rich?

- [Tom] When does it start?

- Pretty heady stuff for a
professor of psychic research.

- You sound a
little disapproving.

- Not at all.

I just don't feel
I belong in a world

of yachts and racing stakes.

Some of those tycoons in
there, including your father.

Kind of frightens me.

- Oh come now, this type
of life shouldn't be

too hard to get used to.

- Let's face it.

I'm an Alloway farm boy
with a professorship

at the university.

But basically, a farm boy.

I don't belong in all that.

- Very well, then.

We'll get you away
from them for a while.

A walk along the ocean'll do it.

- I'd like that.
- But I don't know how.

- I don't know how your fiance
will react to that idea.

- Oh, Bob, my ex-fiance?

That makes quite a difference.

- Come on, Ted.

- You've got the backstory.

Now run!

- [Tom] I'm ready
for some football.

[Mike muttering]

- Oh, mafia goons and withered
spinsters partying together.

- So that horrid blond
finally let you go, eh?

- [Tom] Hey, that's
our daughter.

- That horrid blond represents
an investment portfolio

of half a million bucks.

Where's Dorothy?

- She went for a walk with Ted.

Oh, I wish she hadn't.

- Why?

- Dr. Lombardi said something
terrible is going to happen

along this part of
the coast tonight.

Some visitation from
the occult world.

- Oh, the occult world?

- Oh no, really, seriously.

You must meet him.

He's wonderful.

- Some women keep beds
or grow roses for kicks.

My wife supports
crack occultism.

A couple of years ago it was
that spiritualistic medium.

Last year, swarmy something or
other, and now Dr. Lombardi.

- [ Tom] Oh, Professor Firefly.

- So long as it amuses you.

- No, seriously.

He puts this girl
into a deep trance,

and takes her back 300 years.

Now she tells about
her life in England.

I tell you, it's uncanny.

- Yes, well.
- I married Aunt Bee.

- Looks pretty serious
between Dorothy and Ted.

She's falling for him.

- I'm afraid it's
pretty one-sided so far.

- Nonsense.

If she wants him,
she'll get him.

What's the market price on
professors of psychic research?

Not very high, I imagine.

- [laughs] You goose.
- You pheasant.

- Mother's a little
disappointed in you.

She thought you'd
liven up the party

with some of the
tricks of your trade.

You know, hypnotism,
demonstrations of
thought transference.

- I know.

She thought I'd make it
an age regression party.

I told her that was Dr.
Lombardi's field, not mine.

- [Mike] I could use a Frogurt.

- The Fleet Street
line of beachwear.

- [Tom] Is this the Mr.
Kite everyone's always

doing stuff for the benefit of?

- [Mike] Paladin's beach home.

- Smitty, Merv, you maniacs.

- [Tom] Oh, it's
Helen Keller's room.

Hello, wall.

- Make yourself at home, just
looking at the wall here.

- [Mike] Guys, are we
still gonna watch the game?

Damn cats.

- [Tom] This is scary.

I'm not gonna get
any sleep tonight.

- [Mike] Man with flaming
swim fins did this.

- Mayhem I can put up with.

It's the damn dust I just...

[dog barking]

- [Tom] Rin Tin
Tin in Coming Home.

Hey, you know
where my socks are?

- The death of Tyne Daly.

- He's an amazing man.

Do you know him?

- Quite well.

He's challenged me
publicly and privately

to disprove the authenticity
of his experiments.

- [Tom] And to oil
jockstrap wrestling.

[dog barking]

- That sounds like King's bark.

- [Mike] Since it's King
running right at us,

you're probably right.
- Yeah.

[dramatic music]

- [Tom] I can't believe
I ate the whole thing.

As your RA, I should warn
you you're facing expulsion.

- I'm going out for a
sack of White Castles.

You want anything?

[dog barking]

- [Tom] I just found out
my food is mostly rice.

Can I have some lamb, please?

- Well what's the
matter with him?

- Maybe he's jealous of me.

- Oh, that's weird.

- You haven't given
him cause to be, yet.

[dog barking]

- I think I've made my point.

- He wants us to follow him.

- [Tom] Oh, gee,
do you think so?

Of course I want
you to follow me.

Well, I think I'll grab the
Boogie Board and hit some waves.

- I hope to god we don't
see this guy in a thong

before the movie's over.

[dog barking]

- [Mike] I'm going to tell Hobie
to stay away from the pier.

- That looked like
Dr. Lombardi to me.

- It was Dr. Lombardi.

- And that sounds
like King's bark.

- [Mike] Now come here.

I want to prove to you,
I'm not the only one

who craps in the corner.

[dog barking]

- [Tom] Huh, what's that boy?

A four-year assumable mortgage?

Let's go.

- I think I might have
killed some people

and I'm feeling a
little bad about it.

- [Tom] Should I
wait here, or...

♪ Everybody is a starfish

- Shazam, my pipe's gone.

- [Tom] The Dallas
Cowboys training camp.

King, what have you done here?

King, kill outside.

Outside, King!

- You're gonna hang
for this, King.

- Well, what is it?

- Go on home and
call the police.

- The police?

- I'll wait here for them.

Hurry up.

- King is the Scorpio Killer.

- The only movie
based on a lens flare.

- Huh, I don't feel fresh.

[upbeat music]

- Never seen anything like it.

Neck's broken in two like
a pile-driver hit her.

The man's too.
- I suspect a pile-driver.

- I've got $600 here.
- That's 300 each.

- That lets robbery out.

- Hey.

Here's something.

- Of course you can say
that about anything.

- A piece of seaweed.

All the way to the door.
- Eisenhower, P.I..

- The carpet's wet here.

Might be a footprint.

Go into the kitchen and see if
there's any flour, will you?

- Roll in it and
pan fry yourself.

- You willing to
swear you saw Lombardi

coming out of this house?

- Course.

- Who wants cookies?

I'm going to make
some Toll House.

- [Mike] By the way,
why do we do this, Earl?

- [Tom] Detective's
handbook number one.

Chuck flour and blow on it.

- What'd make a
footprint like that?

- Bill Walton?

- Clever man could
have forged it.

- Do you think a human
could have done this?

- No, I think a
mudskipper did it.

- Oh, I almost forgot
about your firm belief

in Lombardi's black
magic and occult powers.

- It's not me.

It's my wife.

She swears by him.

- What did he say was
coming to roam among us?

- He said, "Sleep!"

- The first life-form
of someone living today.

Over a million years old.

- Strom Thurmond?

- You see, doctor, that's
how civilized we are.

Scratch the veneer
and what do you find?

A whole car-load of
superstitions waiting
to be catered to.

Vampires, witchcraft,
supernatural creatures.

Being brought back
from the past.

M Just patting my own arm.

I'm not in this scene.

- He's got a lot of
people listening to him.

- It's not me.

It's my wife.

- All right.

It's your wife.

- Yeah, like somebody
lays with you anyway.

- You willing to
identify Lombardi now?

Make things a lot simpler.

- Sure.

- You wait here
for the lab boys.

And I want pictures.

Plenty of them.

- You gonna leave me alone here?

It's not like it was
an ordinary stiff.

I can take that
seven days a week.

- Come on.

- But, it might come back.

- But it's not you
that is superstitious.

It's your wife who's
the gullible one.

- I'm a flaky little
detective elf.

- [Mike] Brooklyn, California.

- [Tom] Get your
bags of rat filth.

Step right up, I'll
touch you for a quarter.

Come on.
- Rat filth.

Hey, I found another
dirty diaper.

- We'll make you, break you,
set you on a farm out West.

10 cents.

Yes, siree.

Hello, Lombardi.

Lousy night.

No business at all.

- I find it very pleasant.

- I heard a scream from your
place about 15 minutes ago.

I thought it was Andrea.

I ran over to check up,
see if she was in trouble.

- I told you to keep
away from there.

- I knew her long
before you did, doc.

I knew her when she was
a carnival follower.

Every time we hit a town
she'd be there waiting for us.

- So she's a carnival preceder.

- I've asked you to forget that.

- [Tom] Have we met?

- Well, anyway, I heard the
screams, so I went over.

The back door was
open, I went in.

She was out cold.

How do you keep her
under like that?

I thought she was dead.

I was going to call the cops.

- It's so tiresome
having to warn you

to mind your own business.

So very tiresome.

- Well, I'm naturally curious.

Poor kid, she was out cold.

What's it all about, doc?

Why do you keep her
under like that?

- Alfie.

- I have an idea
you'll find out soon.

- [Tom] Was it something I
said at breakfast this morning?

See his lecture series.

Let a smile be his calling card.

- Author, lecturer,
choreographer.

- [Tom] Endorsed
by King the dog.

- [Mike] I barked my ass off.

You'll laugh, you'll
growl, you'll pee.

- See him perform live with
his band, Thunkersaurus.

- [Tom] Damn, I left
the woman plugged in.

- [Mike] This guy
leaves grease stains

in the air as he walks.

- I come home from a
hard day of skulking

and the place isn't cleaned?

You're just laying there
thinking of bonbons.

- You're in a deep
sleep, Andrea.

A very deep sleep.

- [Mike] I was.

- I'll touch you, and
slowly you will wake.

- [Tom] And you'll get
me some damn dinner.

[Crow slurping]

Well, I'd better
repaint my head.

- Someone ripped off
our lawn gnome again.

Yeah, she's dreaming of old
carnivals she's been to.

- [Mike] There any
turkey sausages left?

♪ There'll be creatures over

♪ The white cliffs of Dover

- Well, I got to go bleed
the sprinklers, I don't know.

- [Mike] Oh honey, please
don't spend another Christmas

passed out on the couch.

- Now you'll come
back to me, Andrea.

You'll feel refreshed.

You'll remember nothing.

- [Tom] You'll remember
how to go potty

and chew and stuff, but...

- [Mike] He's like an
unattractive Slim Whitman.

- That's great, Mesmer,
but you left jelly

all over the cutting
board this morning.

- [Tom] I've got to go levitate

over to Denny's for my shift.

- What time is it?

- Shortly after midnight.

- Don't let it all
hang down, please.

- You've had me in a deep
hypnosis for more than an hour.

I asked you not to do that.

- Well, you were tired.

You needed the rest.

- I need to get away from here.

Away from you.

- [Mike] Can I come?

- I hate this place.

I hate the sound of the ocean.

I hate you.

- [Tom] I can't help but
feel that was directed at me.

- I didn't mean I
hate you in a bad way.

- [Tom] Anyone call
about the Charger?

- You'll never leave me.

You can't.

- I will.

Someday I will.

Soon.

- [Mike] You want
to make some nachos?

As long as I'm alive
I'll possess you.

- I should bag those leaves.

- There's something beyond
yourself that makes you need me.

- You've taken my
soul away from me.

- [Tom] You told me to take
it so you wouldn't overuse it.

[knocking on door]

- The door is open.

Come in.

- [Mike] Can we get
two seats together?

- [Tom] Hi, Max.

- May I suggest a
size up from that?

- Yeah.

- I'm Lieutenant James.

- Hello.

- [Mike] This is Timmy.

- Dr. Erickson?
- Breast?

- Yeah?

- Is this the man you saw coming
out of the Jefferson house?

- Boobies, exactly.
- Yeah.

- No doubt in your mind?

- No.

He knows me quite well.

I've been trying to interest
him in my work for some time.

You don't deny you were
in the Jefferson house

approximately 15
minutes after 11?

- Not at all.

- Well, that closes
the investigation.

- I won't need you any
longer, doctor, thank you.

Nor you, miss.

- [Tom] Wow, it's the federal
witness seduction program.

- Sleep?

Sleep?

- [Mike] You want
to go home and play?

I got a box of men.

- What's it all about?

- Maybe we can talk about
it over a cup of coffee.

- I'd like that.

- Would you like a C-cup
or a D-cup of coffee?

So, you go to carnival locations
and wait for them, huh?

- [Mike] Look into
my oily T-zone.

- I can't go with you.
- I'm not a coffee achiever.

And he ducks out of the screen.

[Servo laughs]
- Bye.

- [Mike] Guess the
stain and win a prize.

- Oh.

- You say you knew
they were dead

the minute you
saw the open door.

- Yeah, see?
- Yes, pity.

Nice young couple.

She came out of the ocean,
just as I said she would.

And she'll come again.

- Look, I'm not a
paying customer.

I'm a police officer.

She comes from the
beginning of time.

Huge and indestructible.

- Thank you.

- And I'm the force
that gives her life.

All I know, you were seen
coming out of that house

leaving two corpses behind you.

And the occult world
notwithstanding,

I think I'll take you
downtown and wait till

the reports come in.

- I can tell you what
the reports will say.

- They'll say "Sleep!"

- That no living
thing killed them.

- Yeah, I know.

It was a materialization
of the prehistoric female.

A transmigration of the
soul of a living woman,

into her first life body.

- Save it, save it for downtown.

[doors whirring and closing]

- Hey Mike, there you are.

I had an idea and I wanted to
run it by a totally average,

unspectacular, not overly-bright
consumer, and here you are.

- Yeah, sure Crow.

- Good, hey, give me that
thing under there will you?

- Yeah, mm-hmm.

- It's my Tickle Me
Carlo Lombardi doll.

- Oh, wow.

What the?

- Yeah, it's just like the
lovable Tickle Me Elmo doll.

Only it's Carlo Lombardi.

- What?

Why?

- Oh that's a lot of little
boys, and it's a reaction

to dolls, but you'll grow
to love it as you take it

into your room, perhaps prop it

next to your bed as you sleep.

He'll watch over you.

He's Dr. Carlo Lombardi.

- Crow, why you make a doll?

- Go ahead, Mike, tickle him.

- Oh, I think
you'd better, Mike.

Tickle Me Carlo Lombardi
doesn't like to be disappointed.

- Well, just to be safe, okay.

- That's right.
[dolls laughs]

Tickle Me Carlo
Lombardi is your friend.

Forever.

[doll laughs]

Yeah, and I made him sticky
so he's even more fun.

You can feed him the
special baby food

included and in a
few minutes change

Tickle Me Carlo
Lombardi's daidie.

- No, no!
- And there's a song too.

♪ Who's that fat little
funny little doll ♪

♪ It's Tickle Me
Carlo Lombardi ♪

♪ Whose little diaper needs
a good little change ♪

♪ It's Tickle Me
Carlo Lombardi ♪

Tickle Me Carlo Lombardi
and Tickle Me Carlo Lombardi

sold separately.

[doll laughs]

You know, that thing's
kind of creepy.

No, I don't think it'll work.

You can have that
doll though, Mike.

I'm done with it, thank you.

[doll laughs]

[upbeat music]

- [Mike] Huh, will
you look at that?

Despite all his money,
Mr. Drysdale eats alone.

- Where's my shirred eggs?

[dog barking]

- [Tom] Works every time.

- That dog, it gives
me the jitters.

I get a nervous Adam's apple,
and that makes my tie unfold.

- Inspired by Balki.

- Morning, gentlemen.
- Morning, Ted.

Dorothy will be
down in a minute.

- Dorothy can't.

I killed her.

- I'm certainly not
too popular with

that member of your family.

- Take him to the kitchen and
get him something to eat, huh?

- The last time I took
him to the kitchen,

he nearly had the cook.

- Thank you very much.

Was so stupid.
- Come on, dog.

[dog barking]

- Oh god, I am dead.

My carotid artery.

Racket's really heavy today.

- Carnelli arrives at 10.

- Good.

Makes your men get up early.

Shows he's aggressive,
wants to get ahead.

- Damn Jerries at it again.

- You give me too much
credit, Mr. Chappel.

- This Jefferson thing
last night, pretty grim.

Kept them all buzzing for a
while after Dorothy came home.

- I'm over here, sir.

- It's surprising
how many of them

think that Lombardi had
something to do with it.

The whole gang's been
down to see his show.

- Sorry, looked at you.

- Chappel tried to bully
me into going along.

- Damn wigwags.

- Take a look at
that front page.

- God ailing, still holds on.

Let me get my welding
glasses on here.

- I play a little
game every morning.

I call it my front page game.
- Sure you do.

- I'm getting a little old
to play most of the others.

I'm a limp noodle.

- I read the front
page every morning

and see if I can pick
out an item or two

that will make me
a lot of money.

Surprising how often
it's worked out.

You ever try it?

- No, I can't say I have.

- Can the She Creature
begin killing now?

- You read about the
Jefferson murder?

- Yes.

- There's a million
dollar idea in that.

Last paragraph.

Read it.

- Sell something for
a million dollars.

- "One baffling
aspect of the case

concerns Dr. Carlo
Lombardi, carnival hypnotist

and prognosticator."

- That's the plot summary.

- "Only last week, he
predicted that such a murder

would take place, describing
it with grisly accuracy.

He was questioned by the
police, but not held."

- Molly Ivins can't say that.

- You see a fortune in that?

- Yes.
- Oh, wait, no.

- Yes, and it's
right up your alley.

- Ouch.

- And yours is a
wedding present.

- You're serious, aren't you?

- Couldn't be more so.

We'll take this two-bit
local sideshow man

and build him into the
biggest thing in the country.

Build him up until his
name's on everyone's lips.

Lombardi books.

Syndicated columns,
lectures, television shows.

- Cheese, a line of underwear.

- This prediction of his
is worth a million dollars

and you and I can do it.

- Where do I fit in?

- You don't.

I bought you out already.

- You can give him the
stamp of authenticity.

Dr. Erickson, psychic
research specialist says

Lombardi experiments amazing.

Open new avenues in
the understanding
of the subconscious.

- Why don't you kiss him
instead of talking him to death?

- They'll swallow it, and
they'll swallow it whole

and love it.

This is the sort of escape
stuff the world's crying for.

Look at my wife and her friends.

- No thanks.
- It's a natural.

It'll be a lot for me, and
money for you and Dorothy.

- I've been trained to fight
stupidity and ignorance,

not get rich on it.

- So put 'em up!

- A man like Lombardi put
hypnosis back 25 years.

- Ever prune your ferns?

- They've taken a
modern tool of science

and made a plaything out of it.

Worse than that, a
weapon, and in the hands

of quacks like Lombardi...
- Quack.

- A dangerous weapon.

And you want me to help
sell him to the public?

- I'm going to kick your ass.

- Wait until that loot
starts rolling in.

That'll take care
of your scruples.

I'll go and talk
to him tomorrow.

What do you say?

- Forget it!
- So, we're on.

- I don't need
that kind of money.

- I need wampum bucks.

- [Mike] Do you wanna go faster?

Raise your hand if...

- Yes, sirree, try your luck.

10 cents.

One 10th of a dollar.

- Where's Lombardi's place?

- Right next door,
but he's closed.

Been having trouble
with the police.

- Yeah, I read about
it in the papers.

- You want to get in, just
jingle a couple of coins.

The doors open automatically.

- His kissing booth isn't
doing very well, is it?

- See Carlo Lombardi's
erotic Dance of the Veils.

- Hello, sleep!

- I've been expecting you.

- How in the devil did
you know I was traveling?

What do you mean you
were expecting me?

- I was communicating
with your thoughts

before you left your home.

- Yeah, communicate
with my butt.

- Communicating with
my thoughts, huh?

I suppose you can tell me
what I'm doing here too.

- You're talking to me.

- You've come down
here to discuss

a business matter with me.

- Good guess, Lombardi.

Remarkable guess.

- I'm a remarkable man.
- Right?

- Won't you come
in, Mr. Chappel?

- Kind of an odd
bed and breakfast.

- Let's get to the point.

How would you like
to be a rich man

as well as a remarkable one?

- Hello.

- Naturally.

- Enough to get you out
of this crazy place.

You have got something to sell.

How can you expect to
get your price in here?

"The Facts about
Reincarnation," 35 cents.

I'll get you 3.50 for that.

- I'd be most grateful, sir-

- Yes, we'll make them pay
real money to see your act.

- I have no act.
- Yeah, I saw it.

- I have knowledge.

- That's the boy,
that's the boy.

Keep a straight face
and hit 'em hard.

- Lord Knute Rockne.
- I'm a businessman, Lombardi.

I can see money in this.

Big money.

- Big Bellamy's wheel money.
- 50/50, what do you say?

- I'm overwhelmed.

- Okay, our deal
starts as of now.

Come over to my
house tomorrow night.

I'm having some
people come over.

It might do us some good.

Newspaperman, a book publisher.

A doctor of psychic
research, a Dr. Erickson.

- Yeah, John and
Yoko will stop by.

- Yes, I know him.

One of my most
outspoken critics.

- Mm-hmm.

Get him involved too if you can,

even if it's only
to call you crazy.

Make good publicity.

That's what we need.

Publicity.

And play it up big.

Give them everything you've got.

Some more of this
She Creature stuff.

Some more predictions.

Murder next month, maybe.

- Unfortunately, it may
happen sooner than that.

Very much sooner.

- Wait, is this the 20th?

- I feel her presence even now.

- No presents before Christmas.

- She'll come out of
the ocean tonight.

- That's the stuff.

That's the stuff, the big lie.

That's what sells.

I'll see you tomorrow night,
and remember, play it up big.

- Big nasally Ninereeds.

- We've got to shake them.

- We'll shake them.

- See you tomorrow night.

- Try the pronto
pups, by the way.

♪ To the good life

- Hmm, pigeon kidneys
turned out runny again.

- Bob Dornan after the election.

- You sleeping?

Karen called about bridge club.

- You will go into
a much deeper sleep.

Very deep.

- Like moodies deep,
man, really deep.

- You will go back in time.

- You will find
neck wattles sexy.

- I command you.
- Did you have the Cobb salad?

- Leave your body.

- You can always
pick it up later.

- This is simply hypnotic
suggestion, you understand.

He's not insisting on anything.

Suggestion.

- Oh, damn Bumpus's
dog, get off the lawn!

[belches] Oh, excuse me.

- The ocean needs Zantac.

- No catch, no
catch, out of bounds.

- Samurai lobster.

Why do they have to park
in front of our house?

- In life, you knew
me as Jacob Marley.

- Oh, it's just the stairs
that bother me now, dear.

- Oh, the Hendersons
got a new big screen.

- I'm the special tonight.

You can have me with
drawn butter, relish tray,

fruit cup or gravy, sliced
tomato salad or muffin.

- Okay, tough one.

Who's uglier here?

- Carlo Lombardi for Acuvue.

- You know, the same
features rearranged

could be very attractive.

- You will obey, oh, look at
the Henderson tramp out there.

That Mickey Spillane
sure can write.

- Apartment 12, okay.

- Who's that?

[creature growls]

Just lettin' the
neighborhood know

about the new Red Lobster.

Oh, I forgot.

Let me, quick, get ready.

- From Doctor Carlo Lombardi,
a singing death-o-gram.

- Get back.

Back!

[Johnny shouts]

- Oh, ooh.
- Death by Murphy Bed.

- They killed Sauvage Pierre.

[upbeat music]

- Hmm, hmm, I photograph
beautifully, yes.

- Oh, hello, lieutenant.

- Hello, Max.
- Lombardi.

You killed Johnny.

- Oh, did I?

Well, prove that and I'll
have to face a murder charge.

- Can you prove you were
in here when it happened?

- I can.

But I don't see what
difference it makes.

I warned you she'd come again.

And you laughed at me.

- Not as hard as you're
laughing at me right now.

I'm gonna book you.

- On what charge?

For being in
communication with a world

that you say doesn't exist?

- You're a murderer
and I'm gonna prove it.

- But first a purple Herman.

- Lieutenant, I urge you
to keep the beaches clear.

It's my civic duty.

Take it easy.

- This is from Men's Wearhouse.

- No Barbara Hershey/Bette
Midler vehicles.

- All sand must go.

- Yeah, a little kid
pooped in the ocean.

They had to close
the whole thing.

- Ew.

- What's Chappel's
interest in this maniac?

- I wouldn't know.

I'm only his lawyer.

Maybe he just hates
to see injustice done.

[Servo coughs]

- I'll bet.

- Or maybe it's because Lombardi

is entertaining at
his house tonight.

- Are you going with anyone?

Oh, ooh.

- Doctor, are you all right?

- Yes.

The next time this man
is pulled in on some

trumped-up charge, we'll
sue for false arrest.

- Or, we don't have to.

- Most interesting experience.

I'm quite certain I
made a few new converts.

- Come back, come back.

Nothing.

- Heimi's pissed.

[light piano music]

- Honey, this is supposed to be

a memorial service for Grandpa.

Cha-cha-cha.

Cha, cha?

And she's only seven.

- Keyser Soze on piano.

- Since when have you got into
that spook stuff, Chappel?

There must be money in it.

- No, no, no.

You've got me wrong.

Quite sensational.

Genuine thing.

He's made a convert out of me.

- Now I know there's
a buck in it.

- I'm so excited.

Doctor Lombardi, here
in my very own home.

- Oh!

- And I thought it was going
to be a boring weekend.

- If what you say is true,
I'm certainly going to drop

the alley bin olly group.

They're becoming quite ordinary.

Just about anyone can join.

- Yeah, it's funnyman Levsotop.

There he goes.

- You're a dumb square-head
like this guy, aren't you, Mike?

- Actually, that's
just my dad's...

- That friend of Bobby.

He's a drunk as a lumber yak.

He drinks like a fish, yeah,
but not the same stuff.

My feet's pooped just
keeping himself up.

- Feets is pooped?

For 18 years I've
tried to teach you

how to speak good American.

- Yeah, I speak as good
broken American as you do.

- Lice.
- "Feets is pooped."

- All right then.

My foots is peeped.

[Mike groans]

- You're a million
miles away, Ted.

And just when I
thought I was beginning

to get through to you.

- Look, Dorothy,

I'm out of my element
in a place like this.

This preoccupation
with trivialities.

I'm what you might
call a square, I guess.

- Or a dull bastard.

- I'm real, aren't I?

- I don't know.

Sometimes I think
you are, and then I

see it as part of [mumbling].

- Sometimes I just trail
off, I don't know...

- That sounds like
a high-class social.

Is that what it is?

- We can expect a shock.

Last night it was
the Jefferson place.

And tonight, maybe here.

- Nah, we stay here.

- Ah, hobbits.

- It's not.

The cook says it comes
out of the ocean.

It's tall, tall like a building,

and it has got arms
like a pile-driver.

- I am not afraid.

For 18 years I'm married to you.

Nothing scares me anymore.

- I'm a stupid square-head.

[Crow belches]

- I don't know why you
had to import a hypnotist.

Why don't you get him to
perform for us, darling?

- I don't use hypnotism
to amuse drunks.

- I use it to get women.

- No, Bob.

Why don't you go and
drink yourself up

a nice parade of
pink elephants, huh?

- Last chance, Dorothy.

- To have me urp on you.

- I'll give you one
more chance to marry me.

- Look familiar, Mike?

- Hey, you.

We'll have a
honeymoon for three.

You, me and a whiskey bottle.

- The Hazelden holiday party.
[doorbell rings]

- Ah, the party can start.

[imitates babbling]

My poopies is peepee.

- It's so thrilling to
have you here, doctor.

Absolutely thrilling.

- My pleasure, madam.

- Hello.

- Keg in the bathtub as usual?

- Hit me.

I'm locked up.

- Beautiful, isn't she?

- A strange beauty.

- Weird figures.

You're good, too.

- I might stay the
night at Lombardi's.

- Oh?

Evidently she made
quite an impression.

Didn't she?

- Only sexually.

D'oh.

Blockbuster Video.

- Oh, just a minute please.

- Ow, my elbow.

- Your house is
nicely gift-wrapped.

- We're gonna rock this place.

- Lieutenant James
at the front door.

- Oh?

- Go cream some fish,
you square-head.

- INS, you harboring
unfunny Swedes?

- What can I do for you?

- I'm very anxious to
catch Dr. Lombardi's act.

Do you mind?

- Mind?

No, not at all.

- Hiya, doc.

- Hello, lieutenant.

An excellent idea.

Very good.

A nice little touch.

- I'm gonna kick
your ass so bad.

- I see Dr. Lombardi's got
himself another follower.

I had him in jail once, but
Chappel's lawyer sprung him.

- But how are you?
- Didn't have enough evidence.

You're going to have to
help me on this one, doc.

- It's more in your
line than mine.

You're not falling for
that supernatural hokum?

- Battle of the mumblers.

- I don't really know
what I'm going for.

I know he's a killer.

- Lieutenant Mickey Hart.

- He doesn't really deny it.

He just laughs at me
and says, "Prove it."

You keep your eyes
peeled, will you, doc?

[Crow mumbling]

- All right folks, curtain time.

Take your seats, please.

- Expecting a
little bigger crowd,

but I guess we
should start then.

- Man, their stage presence.

- He's the Sammy Davis
Jr. of hypnotists.

- Okay, couple of announcements.

The bathrooms are
there and there.

[Mike sings fanfare]

- Ladies and gentlemen.

It has been my good fortune
to find in this young lady

the perfect hypnotic subject.

Through her, I will
reveal to you some of

the hidden mysteries
of life itself.

- First we need
a location, okay?

- Look at me, Andrea.

- Huh, that's amazing!

- Are you ready?

- Yes.

- I shall touch you, and
soon you will be asleep.

- So, like every night.

You okay, honey?

You feel all right?

You're a little warm.

- Good.

Now you can hear
everything I say.

- Yes, I am beer
ever-limping you day.

- Raise your right arm, please?

- Which way to the bar, Andrea?

Ha-ha.

- Lower it.

Now the left arm, please.

- Starts kind of slow and
then fizzles out altogether.

- Put it down, please.

- Now for the
finale, both of them!

Thank you!

- Now take your
place by the couch.

- How much is six
take-away four, Andrea?

Good.

- A little forward,
please, Andrea.

- Yeah, it's their German
expressionist home-life.

- Now sit down on the couch.

- Could they have
skipped a bit? [sighs]

- Sit down, Andrea.

- She's trying to fight him off.

- It's a big slab
of sit down for you.

- Thank you, ladies
and gentlemen.

- We are privileged to
have with us tonight

one of the country's leading
exponents of psychic research.

- B. Torgersen.

- Dr. Erickson.

- Take the gum out, please.

- Since Dr. Erickson has called
me a fraud and a charlatan,

I invite him to join
me on this platform

so that he may expose me.

- No, eww.

- So that he may show you why
and how I perpetrate a fraud.

[Servo laughs]

If you please, doctor.

- If you don't
mind, I'll sit here

with the paying customers.

- Fascinating, captain.

- Do you refuse, doctor?

- Go on, Ted, get up
there and show him up.

- Ted! Ted! Ted! Ted!

- Really, Ted, you should.

♪ Via con dios

Please Ted, you've got to.

- Wow, this is just
like Courtney Cox

in that Springsteen video.

- All homosexuals to
the stage, please.

Ha, I'm kidding.

- My next experiment is a
most interesting one, doctor.

I shall prove that life
is an endless chain.

That we are given the gift
of it not for one lifespan

but since the beginning of time.

- Wow, he's got
a Jiffy Pop head.

- Ladies and gentlemen.
- Lick me.

- I shall give you living
proof of reincarnation.

Of perpetual life itself.

[upbeat music]

[Observer cries]

- My entire world is destroyed.

Everything I knew and
held dear is gone.

- Oh, uh-huh?

- Yeah, I know what you mean.

Mike Nelson destroyed
my planet too.

Monster.

- Hey, hand me the
Cheez-Its, will ya?

And don't forget,
you got to pony up

some gas money too,
got that, powder?

[Pearl and Bobo laugh]

Hey, I know what
let's do, let's sing.

Let's sing a round of
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat."

Okay, I'll start.

♪ Row, row, row your boat

♪ Gently down the

[Observer sobs]

No, no. Wait a second.

You start when I
point at you, okay?

♪ Row, row, row your boat

♪ Gently down the stream

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

- What?

- You start at the
beginning of the song.

It's a round, dammit, a round.

Now sing!

- Okay.

♪ Row, row, row your boat

♪ Gently down the stream

♪ Merrily, merrily,
merrily, merrily ♪

♪ Michael row the boat ashore

[Pearl shouts and Observe sobs]

- You know what?

I'm glad you're the last
of your civilization.

- Oh, Lawgiver.

[tire pops]

- Oh, and now we have a flat.

- Oh, it doesn't make
any difference, Bobo.

- Well we can't ride the whole
way on the rim now, can we?

- We're in space.

It doesn't make any difference.

- Women.

Jeez, I'll get out and fix it.

[Bobo screams]

- Oh, my.

- By the way, Mike
Nelspants, this doesn't mean

that you won't not be
finishing your movie, mm-mm.

In fact, quite the opposite.

It means that you won't not
be not finishing your movie.

No way.

Right, Brain Guy?

- Oh, yes.

No.

Whatever.

I don't know.

- [Observer] Hey, nice place.

- Well, I'd better
go get that ape

before he gets hair
all over that planet.

- I'm sorry, were
you talking to us?

- In the basket, win a quarter.

[alarm buzzing]
- Oh, we've got movie sign.

[doors whirring and opening]

- Little different from
up here, eh college boy?

- This might not be the
moneymaking extravaganza

they thought it would be.

Do you think I'm Dale?

- Sleep!

- Very deep.

- There's an unkillable
funk from his tuxedo.

- Your eyes are
getting heavy, Andrea.

- So's your bottom,
I've noticed.

- You cannot open them.

- I put superglue
in your mascara.

- I had smoky
Gouda cheese today.

You smell it?

- Will you examine her, doctor?

- For free, yeah.

- Tell a joke or something.

Juggle.

- She is under hypnosis.

Go ahead.

- Very thorough examination.

- Now you are traveling
back through time and space.

- And flavor.

- Farther.

Farther back.

- You've canceled the paper.

You've stopped the milk.

- Come forward.

- Come forward, quickly.
- Make up your mind.

- We're having fun.

- That's better.
- Would you lie down?

You forgot to wear a slip.

- Now stop when you want to.

Stop when you see
something familiar.

- You want to stop now?
- Yeah.

- Where are you?

- Looking live at
sold-out Giants Stadium.

- In the Yeoman
Oxton Road in London.

- What is your name?

- Elizabeth Ann Wetherby.

- My father is principal
of Riverdale High.

- You're smiling, Elizabeth.
- No, it's just gas.

- Is something
pleasant taking place?

- I've brought Captain Earnest
Blystone to see me father.

He is going to ask for
me 'and in marriage.

- What the hell is that all...

- Dr. Erickson is
going to question you.

You will answer him.

- It will be multiple
choice and a few

short essay questions.

- Erickson, better
start the car.

- Sleep.

- Oh, great act.

Man, you are eating it raw.

My first question,
will I get the part

in "This Island Earth?"

- What year is it, Andrea?

- The year of the cat.
- 1618.

The year of our Lord.

- In 'Ertford,
'Ereford and 'Ampshire.

- Who is the reigning monarch?

- James Stewart.

- Now, wait a second.

You're crazy and you're
driving me crazy too.

- Who is Lord
Chamberlain of his court?

- The Earl of Somerset.

- What's his wife's maiden name?

- Francis 'Oward.

- No, wait, Susan Lankowski.

Damn, that's not it either.

- You will no doubt
authenticate this information.

- I will.

- You must admit, this
would be impossible to fake.

- Your witness, counselor.

- Now we are moving
forward in time.

- It's the year kajillion.

- You are older.

Much older.

- You qualify for
senior discounts.

- You're in your last
illness, Elizabeth.

You're on your deathbed.

- Smells like it too.

- Me son David is at me side.

- Gone.

- He said he would do as I ask.

Now he sits and waits.

- So do we.
- Boo!

- What did you ask of him?

- We got to sit
here for this crap?

- That I be buried in Ceries
Brook near me husband.

And that Earnest's medallion
be buried with my...

- Smell my mustache.

- What does that
medallion look like?

- It is a gold shield.

- A geld shaled?

- With one ruby set in it.

- Is there an inscription on it?

- Because I lost one like that.

- Yes.

- It says, "I am a diabetic."

- "To me loyal subject."

- It says, "Me loyal subject?"
- Earnest Blystone.

It is engraved with
King Charles's seal.

- What the hell did she say?
- No, I can't hear a thing.

Can you hear anything?

- Yeah, jumpin' jiminy, I know.

- Thank you, Elizabeth.

- Why don't you punch out now?

- That is enough.

You will rest now.

Sleep.

Deep sleep.

- Big pans of sloppy sleep.

- More.

Deeper.

- Ah, Lombardi, you got
me parked in out there.

- You're putting her
in a cataleptic state.

That's dangerous.

- She's survived
the danger before.

Excuse me please.

- I knew we should have
hired Williams and Ree.

- Where are you now, Elizabeth?

- Under a big cloud
of your halitosis.

- In space.

Floating in space.

- Like oregano?

- Are you alone?

- There are many others with me.

- They all say, "Back off."

- Can I summon you out of the
spirit world to be with me?

- You can summon me.

I will come.

- I call you.

- You know, I would
actually welcome

a drum solo at this point.

[Servo coughs]

- Oh boy, look at the time.

Gotta go.

- Ooh, wow, her catalytic
converter's out.

- I can see you, but I don't
believe the others can.

- Oh, how convenient.

- Those who believe can see.

- Her accent's all
over the British Isles.

- I see her.

I do see her.

- Too much duviner.

- Make your physical
presence known to those

who believe only what
their eyes can see.

- Ooh, try diagramming
that sentence.

- Open a window.

That one.

- Kurt Waldheim is
finally discovered.

- Now run to the corner and
get me a pack of smokes.

- Now come back here, Elizabeth.

- Don't you leave
until you finish

your homework, young lady.

- Wow, saw Leo Kottke once,
and he was more exciting.

- That couldn't have
been done by a pull cord.

- His act got an A+ from
Entertainment Weekly.

- I ate the whole cheese tray.

I'm really sorry, everyone.

- Lombardi's act just keeps
on giving, doesn't it?

- Yeah, he's the James
Brown of hypnosis.

- King, come here.
- No, no, leave him.

- Do I have something
in my teeth?

- I'll control him.
- I have the remote.

You will think about Snausages.

- The part of Carlo
Lombardi will be played

by a lump of melted wax.

- I'm in a call to the
Bishop of Salisbury.

- Will you take him
away please, Elizabeth?

- Oh King, you tried
hard in this movie.

You just didn't have
anyone to work with.

- There aren't many
who can control

an animal by hypnosis,
are there, doctor?

- No.

- He did what I told him
without a single word.

- That's because he's a dog.

- You may return, Elizabeth.

- Andy.

- Why do you hesitate?
- Did you step in King poop?

- What?

- I told you to
go before we left.

- At this moment?

- Ladies and gentlemen,
I regret to say

that the creature who
has cost so many lives

is on his way here
among us even now.

[people gasp]

- He was seen leaving the
train station an hour ago.

- She gets up to faint.

- You better get
some water, quickly.

- Okay, good, we'll have
an intermission then, good.

Fine.

- What do you mean?

In this house?

- I don't know.

But she's in the ocean
now, preparing to come out.

- So she's a
scuba-diving lesbian.

- Well, doctor?

- Get a brewski?
- You're a clever man.

I don't know how you
did it, but it isn't

through science as
I understand it.

- I have a way of
proving myself to you,

but it's going to be harsh.

- I'm going to tan your
little dimpled bottom.

Let me get the belt.

- Yeah, I got the check.

Let's blow.

- Now you're going back in
time to the very beginning.

- It's a very good
place to start.

- By the power that is
mine, I command you.

- All right, I beg you.

Please, pretty please?

- Do we need new drapes
for our green room?

- They want more.

They're shouting.

Holding up cigarette lighters.

How long has she
had this protrusion?

- Barely has a pulse.

Take her out of this.

- She stays as she is.
- One-dimensional.

- You have no right to
leave her like this.

- I have my own right.

- And I'm my own grandpa.

- If you wish to try to
take her out of hypnosis,

you may do so.
- You know I can't do that.

You induced this state.

You must release her.

- Then she remains as she is.

- Are you and I okay, though?

I just want to check in.

- All this for a
half-price beer.

Man.

- The only person who
can save our country

is Rufus T. Firefly.

- Did you see which
way Lombardi went?

- Out on the terrace.

You're not going out there.

- You're a woman, so you deserve
no answer to your question.

- Sir Topham Hatt's
evil brother.

- Donald Duck used
the ring of power.

- Mandrake the Moron.

Touchdown!

I dreamed I was married
to Jackson Browne!

- Hmm, nah.

I just don't have my
heart in it today.

I've got a bunch of things to
do back in the ocean anyway.

See you.

- Ah, who am I trying to kid?

I'm not a She Creature,
I'm a She Loser.

- Carlo Lombardi, champion
of the caber toss.

- If I could just throw
up, I'd feel better.

- Last night topped
everything, and Lombardi

and all that creature
talk, he had us in a panic.

- He did it deliberately.

He's aiming for
the big circuits.

- You don't make
much of him, do you?

- I only know he's an
extremely clever man.

And an evil one.
- And a smelly one.

- I'm glad your dad
asked them to stay over.

I want to try and talk
to that assistant of his.

- Professionally?

- It's a really
odd split-screen.

- He's had her in a complete
hypnotic subjugation.

A virtual slave to his world.

I'm going to try and
break that hold on her.

- What do you think, tree?

- Good morning, Miss Chappel.

Doctor.

- I've been thinking of
your work, Dr. Lombardi.

I think it requires
some serious study.

- Oh, good, I'm delighted.

- In fact I'm radiant.

- I want to talk
to your assistant.

- Of course.

Any time you wish.

Perhaps this morning.

- Fine, you set it
up for me, then.

- Oh, by the way, I
backed up the toilet.

Sorry about that.

- Cracking good toast
this morning, eh, what?

- You really poured it on
last night, didn't you?

That She Creature stuff was
a stroke of sheer genius.

Everyone let out like the
plague was after them.

They'll be talking it up today.

- Yes, I've no doubt of that.

- Hmm.

And that stuff on the
pier the other night,

the way you tied in with that.

- That was a very fortunate
coincidence for us.

- Yes, very.

- By the way, I shall require
more suitable living quarters.

Shall I stay here
till I find them?

Thank you very much.

- It's Carlo Kato
Lombardi Kaelin.

- Ah, the Exxon Valdez beach.

- Is this felt?

It is now. [laughs]

- Thank you for meeting me here

at the sound stage by the beach.

- What are you doing out here?

- Looking bleary and waxen.

- Trying to get away from you.

For a few minutes, anyway.

- Not even for a minute.

- Ever heard of personal space?

- I'll never be free of you.

Why did it have to be me?

- Sleep?

- It was meant to be.
- Your earwigs are back.

- If you knew how I hated it.

Hated you.

- You're falling in love
with me, aren't you?

- You will do as I say.

- You will not go to the
prom with Tim Hariboth.

- Come here.

- Okay, I'm under your command,

but do you have
to micromanage me?

- You're asleep, Andrea.

- Oh, cut the crap!

- You can hear what I'm saying.

You can understand me.

- She used a little too
much false eyelash glue.

- Yeah.
- You're relaxed, Andrea.

- I bet he does this
whenever he needs

to borrow a couple
of bucks from her.

- I can't hear you, Mayo-naise.

- Dr. Erickson wishes
to talk to you.

- He wants to level your eyes.

- He's going to try
to hypnotize you.

You must resist him.

You will resist him.

- As effectively as
I'm resisting you?

- He is our enemy.
- He's a Commie.

- He is trying to destroy us.

You understand?

- He's jealous of our
dynamite roadshow.

- Beauty like yours
must not be destroyed.

It belongs to me.

- Is he attempting a
docking procedure here?

- I love you, Andrea.

And you love me too.

[Mike groans]

- He has the raw sex appeal
of Caspar Weinberger.

- Say it.

[Mike groans]

- No!

- She should get a Purple
Heart for doing this role.

- I hate you with all my heart.

- Really?

Then we're to be married.

- I could make your
grovel in the dirt.

I can turn you into
Elizabeth Wetherby.

- Or Weather Elizabethby.

- But I can't make you love me.

- Someday going to kill you.

- I should kill you.
- No, I should kill you.

- But the artist is vain.

- You mean Jeff Koons?

- He can't destroy the
beauty he's created.

- Oh, I'm standing on you.

I'm sorry.

- Well, he is kind of cute.

♪ I don't know how to love him

- Hiya, doc.

- Look, my mouse melted.

- Oh, hello.

Come in.

- Look, I'm a scientist.

- Lombardi tells me
he's coming here today.

- He's agreed to
conduct a demonstration

under clinical conditions.

- Mind if I sit in?

- No.

- I'd like to set-up
a tape recorder.

- Nope, doing science.
- Understand me, doc.

The man is a killer
and I can't touch him.

♪ Can't touch this

- Statement like that
calls for some proof.

- I've got none.

All I know is he hates the
world and everybody in it.

- With no food, gerbils died.

- Man kills for love, or...

- That other thing.
- Hate, or profit.

Where do these killings fit in?

- All three, and don't
forget the profit angle.

Lombardi has become
quite a national figure.

I don't know if he's responsible
for those murders or not.

But I do know he's a
very dangerous man.

- And he makes a
great breakfast.

- Dave Berg, scientist.

- Wah, haven't you left yet?

- You've lumped
them all together.

Hypnotism, spiritualism,
age regression.

Reincarnation and
soul transmigration.

♪ Soul

♪ Transmigration

We all have a secret
willingness to believe

in some of the
things he's offering.

- Green Stamps.

- The passing of the soul
into another body after death.

That life is eternal.

That we can communicate
with the dead.

- Snow blowers that talk?

- Lombardi fancies
himself the miracle man

who's been granted the power
to prove these things right.

- He's an egomaniac playing god.

He claims that the life
process is continuous,

that he can take it back
to a former existence

and not only communicate
with it, but cause it...

- Line?
- To materialize.

To become a physical thing.
- Can you stand it?

- According to Lombardi,
the She Creature

was the primitive life body
of somebody living today.

- It was the strawberries.

- What do you make of that?

- We're still searching
for the answer.

- We found the answer.

The answer is her dress.

- Some of the details
she's given previously

have been proven
remarkably accurate.

That was the medallion
that was given

to her husband by King Charles.

- What?

Am I in this scene?

What?

- It was found in a
grave near Ceries Brook.

The headstone read,
"Elizabeth Wetherby Blystone,

1600 to 1651."

Then it was planted there.

- Oh, this is preposterous.

- For the love of Pete.

- Do you hold with this
nonsense, Erickson?

- My mind is open.

- As is my fly.

Thank you!

- Go on with your
experiment, Mr. Lombardi.

- Hi.

- Dr. Lombardi.

- Of course.

- Mr. Lombardi.

- You know, it's quite
simple, gentlemen,

to disbelieve anything that
shatters your smug concepts.

- Yeah, stick it to the man!

- I'm taking this girl
back to a time in her life

over 300 years ago.
- To caveman times.

- Perhaps I can take her
back farther than that.

- Hey, Bunsen Honeydew.
- To the time of the Pharaohs.

Even to the beginning
of creation itself.

- Don't act, don't act.

- One soul, traveling
the entire distance.

- Utter nonsense.
- Thank you.

- I can materialize her
in any one of her lives.

- Let's just get her
going in this one.

- I can transport her
from what she is...

- To what she is.

- To what she was.
- Oh, bull cookies.

- Really, lieutenant, are
we supposed to watch this?

This is penny arcade drama.

- Doctor, have I ever
been alone in this room?

- Not while I was here.

[upbeat music]

- Hi honey, you there?

- I'm talking to you, Elizabeth.

- But I'm not touching you.

Does this bug you?

- You're going
into a deep sleep.

- Huh, big surprise.

- Very deep.

- Imagine you don't
have a mustache.

He's so expressive.

- She's not responding.
- We need jumper cables.

- Someone in this room is
fighting me for her will.

- And you'll stay after
until I find out who.

- Is it you, doctor?

- Yes, I'm sorry.

- I thought it was
someone else's will.

I'm sorry.

- A deep sleep, Elizabeth.
- Chicago style.

- Very deep.
- Very Chicago style.

- That's better.

You are now suspended
in time and space.

- A dimension not of sight
and sound but of mind.

- Now I'm going to
give you a substance.

- In my Zappa boots.

- Not form, but substance.

- You are in a thick sauce.

- You will take back the
soul that once was yours.

- And take back all
my empty beer bottles.

- Andrea will give it to you.

- Yes, I snuck a peek at you.

I'm sorry.

- Now, put...

You can express
yourself in movement.

- No, not interpretive
dance, no.

- He boldly plays a
guy who stands there.

- It's just menthol
action, folks, don't worry.

- Who let one?

Ugh.

- Oh dear, oh cripes.

- Would you take Professor
Anderson's glasses off, please?

- Well, this is
highly irregular.

Whoa, wow, wow, whoa.

- Put them back on.

- Or, just reverse the film.

- That is enough, Elizabeth.

I think we've convinced them.
- Ah yeah, they're convinced.

- Would you return Andrea's
soul to her, please?

Thank you.

- She's got visible
something line.

- Those who believe
can actually see

the process of transmigration.

- I saw nothing.

- Nor I.

- Trickery.
- Dickery dock.

- Very clever, Dr. Lombardi.

But absolutely meaningless.

- Come on, I worked
really hard on that.

- You can't see because
you don't wish to see.

- Just wait out
the scene, Lance.

- I thought I wanted
recognition from you,

but now I see it
means nothing to me.

- I'm gonna take my
soul and go home.

- Now you will awaken.

You will feel refreshed, Andrea.

- Like a country lane
after a spring shower.

- You will open your eyes.

- Get a Juice Box and have
someone drive you home.

- And so our story ends.

- You said before you
were giving her substance

but not form.

What did you mean by that?
- Nothing.

- I could have bought
her to you in the flesh.

Just as she was 300 years ago.

- Come now, doctor.

We're too old for fairy-tales.

- Not me!

- Do you seriously
expect men of science to-

- I expect nothing.

I want nothing.

- Well, maybe a back rub or
some fudge, but other than that.

- Come, Andrea.

- Yup, she's refreshed.

Up and at 'em.

Just leaping out of bed.

- Good afternoon, gentlemen.

- Sorry about fighting
for her will here.

- What do you make it of it?

- I'm trying to remain neutral.

Could you not ask me questions?

- I don't know.

- Lance, cool down, man.

- This belongs to the
police department.

I'd better take it along.

- Yextri, yextri, those
scientifically-disproven

Elizabeth Wetherby is real.

Jake Gittes nostril
slash at reservoir.

Theft of Dodgers continues.

Well, grips the interest
of one disturbed editor.

- Why dontcha just put 'em
right in the discount bin there?

- Some hate him.

Others merely loathe him.

- This is a warehouse
for returns.

- Book's passed the
million sales mark.

- I wish yours would sell.

- Your roasted
elephant garlic, sir.

- Thank you, Oliver.

I have closed a deal
with the Beale syndicate.

395 newspapers are
starting to serialize

the Wetherby for the next month.

How's that for a quick
profit, Lombardi?

- You're a genius, Mr. Chappel.

- Huh?

Oh, I am.

- Except for that
rummy Punjab bullet.

- Well, now that
you're in the big chips

you'll be able to find
yourself somewhere to stay.

- What-what?

Fried fin?

Willy-wag, what?

- Get yourself something
big, something nice.

You can afford it.

- No, I'll stay right here.

If I decide to move,
I'll let you know.

- But perhaps you could
stay out of my bed.

- King?

Where's King?

I haven't seen him since
early this morning.

I hardly see him since Dr.
Lombardi took over this place.

- Unfortunately, Miss
Chappel, your dog and I

are not compatible.

- I hollowed him out and
made a fruit bowl out of him.

I hope that was all right.

- "Lombardi warns
of more killings."

- Oui, I did that thing.

- Don't press your luck, doc.

Lay off the predictions
for a while.

One miss and our
profits nosedive.

- I'm certain our good
fortune will continue.

- Hmm.
- Yes.

Van Cliburn's Express.

- No, it's Von Ryan's Express.

- Oh.

- Eggs, butter, cereal,
milk, toilet paper.

- And it's Van Cliburn, so...

- Oh, jeez.

- You will applaud
feeling refreshed.

- I'm so sorry.

I'll refund all of your money.

- And soon they're
opening for Senor Wences.

Thanks for teleporting
in for this scene, honey.

- Crowds of up to
six applauded wildly.

- Get him!
- Get him!

- And they climbed up a radio
tower and did their act.

- World's narrowest car.

- Yeah, this should
clear everything up.

- Carlo Lombardi is Deep Throat.

- Sorry I've made it so
difficult for you to follow me.

What were you doing down there?

- Oh, communing with nature.

- Okay, I was tinkling.

- But now I feel the
need of human company.

- Know anyone?

- Shall we walk to my house?

- I need to re-grease my person.

- Well, we've come
full something.

I've got some more info
on the movie you may need.

And then without
warning, a kissing spree.

- Worf, what are you up to?

[woman screams]

- I have to be home by 11.

- Don't worry, they have AAA.

- We're okay!

- So there's a cliff a
couple of feet away, huh?

The topography of this
movie is getting suspicious.

- Well, we might have
to rock it a little.

- I hope they stop screaming.

It's getting really annoying.

- I was walking with Lombardi
when I heard the scream.

But I knew he did it.

He's a murderer.

And I can't touch him.

♪ Can't touch this

- Audience ready to kill selves.

- Hey, my band's coming
over to practice.

That okay?

- That thing last
night, I didn't like it.

Unfortunate.

- Such a nice couple.

- I feel as though I
killed them myself.

- You?

Push a car over a cliff?

Well, hardly.

- Oh, and I ate your
last Hot Pocket.

Sorry.

- There are two bank books.

One in your name,
one in Dorothy's.

- Who's Dorothy?

- Oh yes, her dowry.

- You will see that each
holds a deposit of $250,000.

- Well, we've done
amazingly well.

- Hmm.

We've only just started.

That should keep you in style.

Somewhere else.
- Ouch.

- I want you to
move out of here.

- No, it's better that I stay.

- It's over, Carl.
- Hmm.

Oh, no, you can't stare me down.

I can look right back at you.

And I'll tell you what I see.

I see a dirty sideshow
fortune teller

with delusions of grandeur.

- And waffles.

- You're very foolish to
say those things to me.

You're an ignorant man.
- Well, I try to keep busy.

Hey.

- I assume our business
relations are over.

- What for?

I'm onto a good thing.

We'll continue our business
affairs at my office.

- This was the
prequel to "Jeffrey."

- I'll move out tomorrow.
- Ah, he's moving.

- I understand you've invited
some people here tonight

for a demonstration.

- Tomorrow will suit me fine.

[doors whirring and closing]

- Hey, that's our hero
from the movie today.

Lance Fuller.

Oh yeah, this is his
legendary book, "Do Not Act."

I'm studying his
non-acting method.

Hey, I was wondering if
you could help me out

with a couple of scenes.

I've got "King Lear" here.
- Sure.

Yeah, I've head the Fuller
method is perfect for the Bard.

- Yeah.

- Okay, so I'm gonna be
the Duke of Albany then.

- Right, right.
- Okay.

All friends shall taste
the wages of their virtue

and all foes the cup
of their deservings.

Oh see, oh see.

- My poor fool hanged?

No, no, life?

Why should a horse, a
dog, a rat, have life?

And now none at all?

- Ah, a little too
much eye contact, Mike.

Listen to Lance here.

Do not under any circumstances
listen to your fellow actor.

Simply wait till
they've stopped talking.

- Yeah, I think I wasn't looking
down at the floor enough.

- Yeah, I think
that's what it was.

Let's try a scene
from "The Odd Couple."

This time remember
what Lance says here.

At most, a mild and petulant
show of incredulity,

whatever the circumstances
of the scene.

- Got it.

- Okay, this should be fun.

I'm Felix.

Here we go.

It's not spaghetti.

It's linguine.

Linguine.

- Now it's garbage.

- No, just a little
too much emotion.

- Okay, all right,
I think I got it.

I'm as mad as hell, and I'm
not gonna take it anymore.

- Not quite.

A little flatter, Mike.

How about "Schindler's List?"

- Okay, all right.

I could have done more.

Could have saved more people.

- Okay, okay, you've
almost got it there.

Okay, now try the scene
from "Waterworld."

- Now you're Kevin Costner,
you see your precious

catamaran sinking
into the ocean.

- Right into the ocean!

- And go.

- My boat.

- Perfect, that's it, wonderful!

- Money, baby!
- Think I got it?

Thanks a lot for helping.

We'll be right back.

I was looking for
a moment there,

and I think I found that moment.

[upbeat music]

- Poor guy.

- You were expecting
someone else, huh?

- Maybe that cipher
of a scientist?

- Dr. Erickson, perhaps?

- Know if he's looking
for a roommate?

- Well, no matter.

- Did he get that suit
at Petite Sophisticate?

- We're leaving the country
tomorrow, you and I.

- Bring your past lives.
- I'm not going with you.

- Man, completely
out of nowhere.

- I love him.

- You'll be with
me on the plane.

- And I get your peanuts.

- You will do as I say.
- And I say clog dancing.

- I have found the
power to resist you.

- It accidentally rolled
under my seat cushion.

- He has given it to me.

- But I have to give
it back next semester.

- Hi.

- No one can take you from me.

I live only for you.

You're the light that
shines out of the darkness.

- You're like my fish locator.

You're like my global
positioning system.

One crappy day I'm having.

Lost my boyfriend,
lost my girlfriend.

Got kicked out of my apartment.

- He will never have you.

- Look into my
upsetting mustache.

- I'll kill him.
- You'd do that for me?

I'm sorry, what were you saying?

- Look deep into my eyebags.

- You'll kill him.
- Come on, come on.

You want some?

What you got, huh?

Huh?

I'm taking you down.

- This time you
will do as I say.

- Viewers are invited to
finish the scene themselves.

- I haven't seen you and
Dorothy together much lately.

What's the matter?

Lovers' quarrel?

- You haven't heard.

I'm not in this movie.

- Well, here's something that
will help you patch it up.

- Arnold Stang's autograph.

Should fetch a pretty penny.

- $250,000.

Dorothy's.

- And yours.

You helped to set it up.

There's more coming in.

Go over and show it to her.

She doesn't know
anything about it.

This'll help you to forget
Carlo's little girl, eh?

Hmm.

- I don't think I could forget
where the money came from.

I told you I was a
fool about such things.

I'm sure I'll never have
another offer like that again,

but thanks for giving
me the first offer.

- Hey, he's moving,
look at that.

The scene was actually blocked.

- Hi, Ted.

- Hi, little fella.

- Who are you looking for?

Andrea Elizabeth or
Elizabeth Andrea?

I saw both of her down
near the ocean a while ago.

- Thanks.

- Ted.

What's she got that I haven't?

- Money, breeding,
social position?

- Don't answer.

It's a trap.

- Some people have too
much of everything.

- You don't have
enough of anything.

- Guess I had that coming.

She's a nice girl, Ted.

- Well, it was nice meeting you.

- Thanks for the Bob
Dole handshake, jerk.

- Ah, here comes Marty
Markham to the rescue.

- Hi, beautiful.

- Bob.

- Hi, fallback.

- What are you drinking?

That's a scotch,
bourbon, gin cocktail.

- No vodka?

You must be tapering off.

Let me know when you
get down to the scotch

and bourbon cocktails.

- It's neat that she's
interested in his hobby.

- There goes the gin.

Now I'm down to a bourbon
and scotch cocktail.

- And the hydrangea bushes
die a horrible death.

- Some squirrels down
there are going to have

a kick-ass party.

- This means you're
cured of alcoholism

and you'll never have any
bouts of booze drinking again.

- Sessions presents Summer Gold.

- Gee, I'm supposed to
do a kids' birthday party

around here somewhere.

- You taught me
how to fight him.

His power is gone.
- Really?

When did I do that?

- We'd better be getting
back to the house.

He'll be looking for you.

- I don't want to go
through with it tonight.

- Kissing me is
hard, I know, but...

- You've got to.

Resist him publicly and
he'll leave you alone.

- Or bury a toad at midnight.

I don't know.

- What if I don't?

- I'll retain my
football-shaped head.

- I'll fight him for you.

- No, wait, I won't.

Forget it.

- I think I'll win.

- By the way, do you know
why we love each other?

I don't.

- Just stay here a
little longer with me.

- Okay, how's this?

- Jeez, I lost my doves too.

What next?

Did you bring the Frisbee?

- Hey, can you pull
my stitches out, bud?

[dog barking]

- You can kill him.

- What?
- I command you.

- Huh?

- Yes, King, I will kill him.

- But you didn't
even throw a stick.

[dramatic music]

- Manics!

[dog barking]

- Well, good luck.

- It's not me growling.

They dubbed it in.

- Ah, I'm a pirate.

Arr.
- Get away.

He's going crazy.

- His prices are way too low.

- Just had Novocaine.
- Get away.

[dog growling]

- Sorry I lashed out
at you with the thing.

[dog whimpers]

- I don't wanna be in movies.

I just wanna eat bacon
strips and chase cars.

- That had no effect on me.

- That voice didn't
come from me.

- Yes it did.

- Let's get away from here.
- Let's stand over there.

Better.

- We're ready to start, if
you'll just, if you could sit.

- Hey, can I see you a minute?

- I think I killed
that Swedish guy.

- I've formed a
few theories by now

and I want to try
them out on you.

- Santa is the killer.
- I'm listening.

- Every time this
thing has struck,

it's been after one of
these demonstrations.

- See?
- That's been the pattern.

I checked it.

- You think he has some way of
signaling to his accomplices?

- I can hear you.

- If you can call them that.

Another thing I've discovered.
- I'm part woman.

- Every time we find
the footprints coming
out of the ocean,

they go back, exactly
the same spot.

- You're going on
the assumption that

Lombardi's creature
is the real thing.

- It's the only
thing I can go on.

Otherwise it's the
psychopathic ward for me.

- Hey, Chet Baker,
security guard.

- I'm not sure,
what do you think?

- As a scientist I'm
hysterical with laughter.

As a man out for a social
evening, I'm not so sure.

In fact, very unsure.

- All right, folks.

Showtime.

House lights out, please.

- Hey, send Olaf
out here, will you?

- Sure.

- Hey, Fanny and
Alexander, listen up.

- Lieutenant James
wants to speak to you.

- Oh.

- Out on the terrace.
- Yes, sir.

- I'm making Hellraiser.

- Am I under arrest, I hope?

I sure would like to get
away from this spook shop.

- Hey, have you got
a tape recorder?

- In Mr. Chappel's study.

- Can you take me there
without going through

the living room?

- Oh, yeah, sure.

Come right this way.

- That was my favorite
scene in the whole movie.

- Right here, sir.

- Thank you.

- Two giants of
the film industry

finally have a scene together.

- Ladies and gentlemen, "Stomp."

- I will touch you gently.

And you will fall
into a deep sleep.

- You have a little
chicken gravy up there.

- Your eyes are getting heavy.

- Always criticize my weight.

- They're starting to close now.

- Sorry.

You're on your own.

- Ooh, who jiffed in here?

Oof.

- So he's backfired.

- He's right.
- I'm dying up here.

- I will count to four.

And you will fall into
a deep, deep sleep.

One.

Two.

- 39.

- Three.

Four.

- Ha-ha-ha, my will is in my
purse and you can't have it.

- She's hypnotized.

Thank you!

- Ladies and gentlemen, my
subject is not herself tonight.

She's is too tense.

- She's a tepee and a wigwam.

- Woo!

- Come on, sleep.

- Will you take your place
on the couch, please?

- No, you sleep on
the couch tonight.

They should do a jump
ball for her soul.

- What exactly is
their act again?

- Dumb, stupid audience.

Jeez.

Ew.

- You have eyes only for mine.

You have ears only for my voice.

- Nose only for my scent.

- Now you're going
into a deep sleep.

Your eyes are heavy.

Close your eyes and
go into a deep sleep.

- Like when you're on a
date with Lance Fuller.

- Deeper.

- Deeper.

- Come on.

I call.

- Maybe if we did the wave.

- She's dead.

[Mike and Crow laugh]

- Said before you were giving
her substance, but not form.

- What did you mean by that?

- I don't like this
new Prince album.

- [Carlo] I could have brought
her to you in the flesh.

Just as she was 300 years ago.

- That's all the evidence
I need, whatever it was.

- I'm talking toyou, Elizabeth.

- Elizabeth Ann She Creature.

- Where were you born?

- He's doing all his old stuff.

- Man, I am taking the
pipe so bad right now.

- My subject is disturbed
tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

Her world is disturbed.

I feel a menace to the
people in this house.

I urge you all to
leave here at once.

- Do as he says, everybody.

Let's clear out of here.

- But be sure to
tip your waitresses

and drive carefully
on the way home.

Goodnight!

- No one's forced
me out of my home.

- Is anybody listening to me?

- So you want to end
this movie or something?

- Get her out of it.
- Perhaps you can.

- Whoa!

- You kill me and you kill her.

- You kill her, you
kill Anson Williams.

[upbeat music]

[tense music]

- This is probably best.

He couldn't outrun
it or anything.

[gunshots banging]

- Damn, these seaweed
bullets aren't working.

[gunshots banging]

- Sea creature
with kung fu grip.

- Assistant director,
anybody know when I'm

supposed to do key grip?

Hello?

- The Creature roughhouses
people to death.

- I was an hour away
from retirement.

- Nothing, nothing.

Project nothing.

- Tell Moondoggie I love him.

- They'll be coming
back this way.

- Maybe not today, maybe
not tomorrow, but...

- Lombardi was right.

- Winning isn't everything.

- He did it.

- Did what?

- Brought the girl back.

- The girl?

- Yeah, anyway, you
cops ever find my bike?

- I'm not quite dead.

You might want to
get me some help.

[dramatic music]

- They tried to light
this, but this movie

is like a super-absorbing
black hole.

- What?

Hello?

Can you?
- Anybody?

- I can't see.

Ow, you stepped on my foot.

Ow, hey.

- That's my elbow.

Tripped.

And there's the kickoff.

- What?

How could they miss each other?

- Space has warped
and time is bendable.

- The creature was wearing
cleats and toe socks.

- Chief, you stay here with me.

We aren't moving.

The rest of you, get
some brush and driftwood.

Anything that'll burn.

- What are you going
to do with her?

- Put a circle around
all those prints.

Whatever killed him will be
back, and we'll set fire to it.

Bring back some gas
from the car, will you?

- That logic is
completely pregnable.

[dramatic music]

- He's doing a Noel Coward
play all by himself.

- The Phillie Phanatic!

[gunshot bangs]

[Crow laughs]

- Say, I hit your cat.

I'm real sorry.

[gunshots banging]

- This guy does not
have good escapability.

- Right then, do come into
the house for a sherry.

We'll have a little chinwag.

- Meanwhile, in a
nearby wedding cake.

- I want those Glengarry leads.

General Tom Thumb.

Wait a minute, how did he get?

- Foul.
- Illegal procedure.

- Looks like my grandma
framed this shot.

Plenty of wall.

[Creature grunts]

- Now do you believe, doctor?

- Kill it!

- No.

- Wait a minute.

You're not Roy Johnson are you?

I'm supposed to
kill Roy Johnson.

- No.

Bad.

No.

No.

- Well, mm, gosh, I, mm, hmm.

- And now she's just
pretending to be hypnotized

so she doesn't have to help.

- Okay, girlfriend, I
got the Haagen-Dazs.

Let's dish.

- Fear?

Elation?

What is it?

And he said he was going to
call, but then he doesn't call.

- Makes you wonder
what the He Creature

would look like, huh?

- Despair?

Love?

Joy?

Tell us!

- Man, she's got a
prison matron bosom.

- Eww, I think the
director had some issues

with his mother or something.

- Concern?

Passion?

Hunger?

What, Lance?

Ah, she's got a slight
mustache problem.

- You know, you can
overcondition your hair.

- Ennui?

Angst?

Apathy?

Gas?

- Self-delivering cotton candy.

- It's the She Vicks
VapoRub Creature.

- Well, cut the downdraft there.

Ooh, back, back!

I want to go the other way!

Damn.

Cold?

Jubilant?

Headachey?

- His emotional memory
is the previous scene.

- Oh, I ate too much chocolate.

Oh, oh.

- Do I have anything on my face?

- You couldn't kill
the man you loved.

- Hair styled by Elmarco.

- I mustn't let you die.

Your beauty must live.

- Your average
attractiveness must live on.

- I will touch you
and you will awaken.

Young and beautiful.

Freed forever from the past.

- Man, he shouldn't
have siphoned motor oil.

- What I have done,
no man can ever do.

- Take such a lame act so far.

- And I'm dead.

- Thank you.

Ah, it's working perfectly.

- Frodo's going snorkeling.

- There.

Fire.

- I can't see anything.

- Where I'm pointing at.

Hurry up.

- Okay, civilian.

[gunshots banging]

Hey, it does seem to be helping.

- I don't see anything.

- Fire!

- Maybe they should
have a staff meeting

about letting citizens
boss them around.

- You see anything?
- No.

How about you, doc?

Can you still see something?

- No.

I was mistaken.

[Tom laughs]

- Who was that lethargic
lunkheaded stranger?

- I'm sorry I touched
you, but you don't

have to become a nun.

- She was here, wasn't she?

- I smell Tabu.

- Yes.

- Wow, look at those
worms down there.

- He's got a list of
his facial expressions

taped to her back.

- She killed Carlo.

- He forced her to
come out of the world.

He should go back to her own.

- Huh?

- There are a lot
of dark corners

we weren't meant to
pry into, I guess.

- Are you saying you
still haven't showered?

- Are we moving over here now?

I'm right here if you need me.

- She'll never be
back, will she?

- No.

- And you'll never be
back either, right?

- And the Mysterians.

- Man, if I ever
wanted to put a movie

into a stump grinder,
this is the one.

- Yeah, me too.
- Man.

[doors whirring and closing]

- So guys, what do you make
of that big question mark

at the end of the movie?

- Well, I think they
were asking when,

as in, when will
this movie not exist?

- Or, maybe it was
a why question,

as in, why did King
George and his parliament

react with such
indifference, nay arrogance,

to the colonists'
longstanding grievances

of taxation without
representation

leading to the Revolution
which led to the United States

which led to California
which led to Hollywood

and the motion picture
industry which led

ultimately to this hard,
bitter little nut of a movie.

- It's a good point.

But I think it may have been
a hmm question, as in, hmm?

I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.

This crappy movie was
sitting on my head.

- Hey say, guys, it just hit me.

We're free to escape!

Since Mike blew up
the Observers' planet.

- I didn't, I mean, I asked-

- Right, and Mrs.
Forrester and the Brain Guy

seem to be tied up
looking for Bobo.

- Yeah, let's boogie!

- Woohoo!

- Okay, well, here we go.

- To infinity and-

- Shh!

Disney.

Lawsuit.
- Some other places!

- Yeah.
- Hmm.

Doesn't seem to be turning over.

I wonder what's going on.

- What's going on?

We got it goin' on, that's
what's going on, huh?

How about this guy here, huh?

I say, hmm, I sure would
hate for those eight balls

on the satellite to escape.

This beautiful man right here
says, "Let me handle it."

He is holding you
here with his mind.

You poor dumb schmucks.

How do you like that?

How'd you like to have
this guy on your crew

instead of those yappy little
tin cans you hang out with?

This guy is the best.

- Why, thank you Pearl.

- Tell you something
else now, sonny.

This guy's gunnin' for you.

You blew up this man's
world, as I will continue

to remind him
every chance I get.

You whacked his
planet, man, and he is

plenty cheesed, let me tell you.

- Yes, you have destroyed
an ancient and proud race.

My people.

And let me tell you that I-

- I was talking.

Boy, everything's
about you, isn't it?

- I'm very sorry.

- Anyway, Nelson.

You're mine.

You'll never escape.

Never!

[Pearl laughing]

- Excuse me, malevolent
one, but hadn't we

ought to go get Professor Bobo?

- Hmm.

That's a good idea.

Say, could you hand
me the Cheez-Its?

- Why, certainly.

- Thanks.

I give the orders!

- Oh.

- Hey, we'd better go find Bobo.

[solemn music]

- Ow.

My spine.

Ow.