Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 9, Episode 6 - The Undead - full transcript

♪ In the not too distant future

♪ Somewhere in time and space

♪ Mike Nelson and his robot pals

♪ Are caught in an endless chase

♪ Pursued by a woman
whose name is Pearl

♪ An evil gal who
wants to rule the world

♪ She threw a few
things in her purse

♪ And in her rocketship
she hunts him

♪ All across the universe

- [Pearl] I'll get you!

♪ I'll send him cheesy movies

♪ The worst I can find, la la la

♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all

♪ And I'll monitor
his mind, la la la

♪ Now keep in mind
Mike can't control

♪ Where the movies
begin or end, la la la

♪ He'll try to keep his sanity

♪ With the help of
his robot friends

♪ Robot roll call

- Cambot!
- You're on.

- Gypsy!
- Oh my stars!

- Tom Servo!
- Check me out.

- Croooow!
- I'm different.

♪ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes

♪ And other science
facts, la la la

♪ Just repeat to yourself,
"It's just a show

♪ "I should really just relax"

♪ For Mystery Science
Theater 3000

[gates clang]

[chains rattle]

Hi, everyone, Mike Nelson
here on the Satellite of Love

with Tom Servo and Crow T Robot.

Hola.

You know, we've been
through a lot, lately,

I thought I'd just
bring you up to speed.

See, right now we're
trapped over this planet

of the super-observer
brain guy, so--

Ah, wait, wait,
wait, back up, Mike.

It'll be confusing if we
don't let 'em know first

about Missus Forrester chasing
us across the universe!

- Yeah.
- Right, that's a good point.

Uh, Pearl Forrester, you see,

she's this woman, she
really has it out for us.

Hang on, Mike, that's
completely baffling

if you don't tell 'em
what happened before that.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

Well, right, well,
before that we were

over this planet of these
allegedly intelligent apes

- in the future--
- As usual, Mike,

you're omitting the big picture.

You're not providing
any sense of context, lad!

Back it up further, way back.

Come on.

Oh, okay, context, right.

Well, before that
we were pure energy,

unfettered by time and space.

Further back, Mike.

Well, okay, before
that it was Deep 13

and these two mad scientists

- who were forcing us to--
- Rewind, Mike, rewind.

Well before that
I had a temp job .

Further back.

Before that I had
another temp job.

Further.

Well, before that I had
a really good temp job.

Man, that was great.

I hardly did anything,

I filed a few papers, ate
bear claws, played Doom.

[laughs]

Never figured out
why they fired me.

Hm.

Uh, Mike...

I was late a
lot, there is that.

- Uh oh.
- Quite a bit, actually.

I showed up that one
time from that kegger,

and was all stinky,
I hadn't showered.

Whoa. Mike--

Punched that guy from
accounting that one time...

This isn't helping, Mike.

Someone really had
it out for me, though.

I think I know who it was, too.

Mike? Psst.

Mike...

Mike, honey, you're scaring us.

We'll be right back.

Mike, Mike...

Maybe we shouldn't've
gone back quite that far?

Oh boy.

Mike?

[Mystery Science Theater
3000 theme music]

Mike, psst...

Mike?

Honey?
Honey?

Oh, it's bad this time!

Well what do we do?

Well, try biting him.

All right. Ah!

- Ow!
- Don't hit, Mike, don't hit!

Oh, hey fellas, what's up?

You okay now, Mike?
[Servo laughs]

Yeah, never better.

Oh, hey, the super-observer
brain guy things are calling.

Hello, we are sending
you intelligence tests.

These are to determine
whether you are

to be dissected and mounted,

or frozen and sliced into
thin slices for the...

No, no, ah...

Whether you are to be
rewarded with ribbons and candy.

Right, of course
I meant "reward."

Stop it, you dumb primate!

- No, no, no!
- Ow!

- No, no, bad!
- Ooh!

- Bad, bad, down.
- No, I dropped something.

Oh, jeez!

You on the satellite,
pencils at the ready.

And, begin.

[papers rustle loudly]

Heh heh, I'm ready!

I pulled an all-nighter!

You studied all night?

Oh, you're supposed
to study, huh?

Ha, ha, ha, this
question's a delight!

You can do complex
number weightings because

they're operations of quantum
linear super position.

Ha, ha, that Roger Penrose.

"Choose a word which
best describes..."

Eh.

You know, the agency never
even let me take a typing test.

[Crow snores]
Can you believe that?

Hey, Mike, do you know if
it's "fortes fortuna juvat,"

or "fortuna favet fortibus"?

You know, Terrance?

Informio?

Mike?

Ah, forget it.

Ah, ah, ah,
pencils down, ma'am.

Pencils down.

Look, I can not in good
conscience finish this test.

And not just because I only
know one of the answers,

number 16, oxygen--

Well, it's
nitrogen, actually.

Whatever, look, this
test is biased against me,

personally, and you can
cram it in your brain jar!

Oh, my brain!

Oh, God, oh, my brain.

Oh, oh...

Sorry, what's the
filling in these?

It's delicious!

Uh, Simian, your score
parked in just below

a number of bivalves
and a sea cucumber.

Oh, really?
[laughs]

Although our test is
without inherent bias,

we can safely say that you
are a profoundly stupid ape.

Well, I do try to
hone my skills in...

Hey, wait a minute!

As for the
satellite, pencils down.

We shall now
tabulate your scores.

There, done.

I'll show you intelligence!

Where are those boxes?

Hmm, hmm.

The one called Crow
left his entirely blank

save for copious
amounts of drool.

Ew.

[Crow snorts]
Ah, ready!

- Ah, we're done.
- Ah, how'd I do?

- You bombed.
- Ah, big deal.

I have been accepted
at Zoots University.

Talked to the
admissions guy there,

and he said, "I guarantee it."

The one called
Gypsy did rather well.

80th percentile among
robots of her kind,

of which there is only one.

The human, though, hmph.

All his answers read, "Why?

"Why? Why?"

Well I'm kinda
having a bad day.

I'm better now, though,
Crow bit me again.

[all laugh]

Mmhmm.

And finally, is this right?

Red one, your test score
shows you missed only one

and that was due to
a misplaced decimal.

Oh!

In fact, his intelligence
index is higher than...

Observer's.

Oh, that...

Oh, well,

well, well,

well, well, well, I...

I, I...

[stutters gibberish]

Oh.

Wait a minute,
who's "Red one"?

Servo, he's
talking about you.

Yeah, well it
really burns my toast

when I misplace a
decimal like that.

Gee! God.

And your thesis on Quaternion
number theory made me cry.

Ever thought of
removing your brain?

We have big things in
store for you, red one.

Big things!

As for you, Observer,
a little time in the

- Enrichment Chamber
- Oh, no.

might do your
brain some good.

- No...
- Anyway...

I perceive that your
movie today is The Undead.

Hey!

Where's the bananas?

But you're not
smart, I mean--

I just test well!
[Klaxons buzz]

Oh, movie sign!

Woo hoo!

[gate thumps]
[chains rattle]

[gate clangs]

Oh, that's it, we're doomed.

- Yep.
- Heh.

I saw the unDead
at UnAlpine UnValley.

At Chili's we flame-broil
our credits to perfection.

One of Billy
Barty's small films.

Hale, friend, and Mel Welles.

[group chuckles]

Ah, the Great Malibu
Credit Fire of 1956.

It is kinda ironic,

'cause all these people
work at Embers, now.

No place...

[whispers]

Roger Corman's Backdraft.

I wouldn't wanna be downwind
of Roger Corman's backdraft,

I'll tell you that much.
[group chuckles]

Smokey says, "Only you
can prevent Roger Corman."

Fire in the projection room,
guess we can't watch the film.

- Look upon my face...
- Do I have to?

For I am known to all of you.

Oh, is that you, Ted?

Here is a story
of my eternal work.

Peter Pan, Anti-Christ.

It is a story of all ages.

Kids from six to 60.

- Those dark and forgotten...
- Like Grandpa.

And those still to come.

Satan, the prince of cabaret.

Behold the subtle
working of my talents...

This is subtle?
[Mike laughs]

And pray that I may
never turn my interests...

- No, no!
- Upon you.

[laughs evilly]
[Servo chuckles]

- Brava.
- Bravo.

Wow, I've got a mole
hair thicker than her waist.

A woman completely
devoid of internal organs.

I can still feel into the
dress I wore at my baptism.

She better not
breathe too hard,

or she might absorb some
fog and gain weight.

He's offering
her a hand grenade.

Thank you, Mister Zebub.
[group chuckles]

Ah, lung cancer.

You have fingers.

I like that in a man.

Ah, the American Institute
of Psychical Researchiculating.

Come on into my meat freezer,

I'd like to show you
my research on beefalo.

Should never have bought
that cow dung sprayer.

[Mike chuckles]

So you've come back, eh?

After seven years,
you've come back.

No, it's not me.

Time has little
meaning in Tibet.

Neither does the
word, Tacorific.

Did my call startle you?

No, I've been expecting
it for seven years.

Well, six and a half.

All of your old students
return, don't they, Professor?

All your ruddy friends
are coming over tonight.

Even the ones you failed.

Particularly
the ones I failed.

They always want
to prove me wrong.

- And I always am wrong.
- And now you.

You want to startle me
and the entire world, eh?

- And I might do just that.
- Boo! Ha ha.

With your help...

I can make
seamless panty hose.

When you called me, I said
I would listen, not help.

Well, he is a psychologist.

As for this
spectacular idea of yours,

it's nothing but Sunday
supplement nonsense.

I mean to invade
the depths of the mind.

That is not nonsense.

Excuse me, did
I say, "nonsense"?

I meant fluffer nutter.

I mean idiocy.

Don't condemn me
without a try, Professor.

Too late, you're condemned.

If I succeed, we will
see history unfold itself

through the eyes of the subject.

And I know it can be done.

I've seen it.

In the desert huts of
the Shamans of Kassa.

And in Des Moines.

And where will you
find a subject weak

and impressionable
enough to arrive

in the required depth of trance?

- They're around.
- Diana...

I'm recombining
DNA, if you don't mind.

What's her full name?
[Servo imitates creaking]

Who knows?

She calls herself Diana Love.

But her real
name is Dynamite.

Don't be afraid, my dear,
no one's going to hurt you.

I'm not afraid of
you, or anybody else.

We'll be with you
in a moment, Diana.

Where did you find her?

What does it matter?

You took her off
the street tonight?

[Servo sings nonchalantly]
You unmitigated fool.

- Am I?
- Ah, his blush.

Her type is the
most easily influenced

in basic character groups.

Almost devoid of willpower.

That's why I chose
one of her class.

Has she agreed to this?

I'm paying her well,

although I dare say she has no
idea what I'm paying her for.

I will not help you, Quintus.

Then I'll do it
alone, without your help.

Don't you want to
protect her, Professor?

- Don't you have any Proust?
- From me?

It'll take too long.

Weeks.
48 hours.

Impossible.

Instead of repeated sessions,

I'll keep her under
the full two days.

I won't even wake her up to eat.

Instead, I'll direct all
her needs within the trance.

- That could prove fatal.
- Why thank you.

No, not with you
watching, Doctor.

I see I have no
choice in the matter.

A scientist with
a deep knife scar.

We'll be remembered for this.

I hope it will
not be as murderers.

Oh, you can kill me,
that's okay, I don't care.

Say, how much
longer am I gonna

have to stay in
this crummy joint?

Two days, perhaps longer.

Two years later...

Do you have to do all that?

Take it easy, Diana.

Don't let the sound of your
own wheels drive you crazy.

Are you subject
to fainting spells?

Hey, he has a Ben
Franklin ice auger.

Do you have any difficulty
getting up in the morning?

[Crow moans and grunts]
[Diana chuckles]

I don't.

- I get up in the afternoon.
- Felix.

That's easy.

I think you'll live.

Unless loser here, kills you.

Your witness.

Dirty, greasy walls,
a short-lived design fad.

I don't think I
wanna be hypnotized.

You're being paid $500.

That's a lot
of money back now.

I think it might
be better if you

took off that heavy bracelet.

No, thanks.

I'll just keep it,
if you don't mind.

Very well.

Say, friend, tell her a
penny saved is a penny earned.

Do you see my hand?

Do you think I'm Dale?

There is no end
to my hand, is there?

No, I guess I'm
not getting it, sorry.

You can always
take another turn.

Oh, and by the way, sleep!

Around the knuckle...

Over the gums.

Over the finger.

Look out, stomach,
here it comes.

Like riding a tiny
roller coaster, isn't it?

In that I feel like
throwing up on you?

- Yes...
- Yes.

Yes, yes.
You're riding.

- And now, sleep!
- Whoa!

First slowly...

Then fastly.

- Then faster.
- Give me liberty,

or give me, oh no
wait, that's Pat Henry.

Around...

- Do you like my lip liner?
- Around,

and around.

He's not hypnotizing her,

- he's merely boring her.
- Silent.

- Silent.
- He's hypnotized himself.

Silent.

[group imitates spooky music]

Five years later...
[group chuckles]

And the silence is
deeper, and deeper.

[group imitates spooky music]

Like a well.

Like a deep, deep well.

Like a circle in a spiral.

Like falling.

Like a wheel within a wheel.

Falling...

- Into a deep...
- Cleansing.

- Discount.
- Deep...

- Heating.
- Purple!

Sleep.
[group imitates snoring]

We are in a dark silence,
and we breathe in water.

We are one.

You know, early
to bed, early to rise

makes a man healthy,
wealthy and wise, no?

- When I touch you...
- I think about myself.

No, no, no, wait, that's wrong.

We will be one.

We'll be me, for
convenience sake.

[Mystery Science Theater
3000 theme music]

You're going back farther.

Going back...

Back, back, oh, I snagged
it on the warning track!

It is another time.

Must not look at
Mister Weatherbee.

- Farther...
- I've always loathed pencils.

And when you wake up, I'll be

the foxiest guy
you've ever seen.

What are you doing?

She can't possibly hear you.

Can we roll her
out in the hall?

I've got other clients.

No, I am nowhere.

Oh, Nebraska.

- But I exist.
- My glasses popped on!

You may speak.
[Crow imitates barking]

Do you hear me?

Oui.

Are family, I've
got all my sis...

What do you see?

[Diana speaks French]

Tish! That's French!
[imitates kissing]

I will no longer
shower or shave my legs.

And I hate all Americans now.

Well, it's happened.

Something about a
hat, that's all I got.

You've broken into the past.

Yes.

Yes, I have.

Yes, it's the 23rd
hour of our telethon,

and we're going all the way.

Now the real work will begin.

What more is there to do?

Well, the wall,
for one thing.

So you were French once.

And of nobility.

You see it all too
dimly, don't you, Diana?

Yes, through a
glass darkly, yeah.

Too dimly.

- Well, my dear...
- I don't give a damn.

You will find that
there are other times,

and other lives.

Soon you will find
one that I may visit.

Although I have been
barred from most times

'cause of my unpaid
parking tickets.

Come on, open
the hangar door...

[imitates airplane engine]
That's a good girl.

Research has
shown that my lap

is the best place for her.

I, I have no
heartbeat, oh, my G...

She's all the way back
to Quest For Fire time.

[grunts]

Oh, why do I do this?

I hypnotize all day,
then I go home to a cat.

It's Must See TV
night, I have to get home!

You told her nothing?

You asked her nothing?

Watch carefully.

Your watching's been
pretty lax, these days.

It's started.

She's going.

Oh, I'm puffy, I'm so puffy.

I'm retaining
water in my wrists.

Why'd you bring
her sewing kit?

Dinosaur is trying to
take my charm bracelet, I...

Slightly Risky Liasons.

She's in the gorilla exhibit
at the Lincoln Park Zoo.

- Sir Ray Nitschke.
- Ew.

- How fares the witch?
- Real, real nice, thanks.

Do you fear me, Sorceress?

Why, Gobbo's the gentlest jailer

ever to gouge a prisoner's eye.

You wanna run
that by me again?

Keep thee from me!

Fret me not, hell hag.

Miss Hell Hag.

You've lost your
powers as tomorrow

you shall lose your head
upon the chopping block!

- Chubby block?
- My head?

I shall lose my head?

Uh, you're
singing your hair...

[group chuckles]

Has your brain recoiled
from it and forgotten?

Aye, you shall lose it,

and it will roll like a melon,

and you'll be clutching
it to your bosom

when they bury you
at the crossroads,

a stake through
your black heart.

- Ew!
- Yes, I remember.

They said I was a witch.

She has a
Flashdance look going.

- Yeah.
- But it's a lie,

a terrible lie,
I am not a witch.

You must believe me!

But I believe it!

Look on me.

He's an attractive
prison matron.

Am I not ugly?

Am I not the rancid
bed of a fetid swamp?

Am I not Devo?

But witches love
ugliness, more than beauty.

So love me, and make thy
final night of pleasure.

Nay!

- Don't back away.
- Mom, would you butt out?

What voice is that, I hear?

- It's me, you, both of us.
- Huh?

Oh, do not pretend.

Help me.

I would have thou keep still.

- Do just as I say...
- Yes, computer.

I am inside of you.

Maybe I won't be able
to talk to you for long.

I will listen.

To whom do you
speak, demoness?

Pretend to make love to him.

Nay, I could not.

- Show me thy friend.
- Get thy own friend.

Do not faint, now, you must.

Very well.

- That is a madness!
- Or maybe it was squeeze.

[group chuckles]
No madness, Herr Gobbo.

It's just that I have consulted
with my sister spirits,

and they find thee
comely, as indeed so do I.

It is harassment and
I don't have to take it!

I...
Am I?

- You could have made us fine.
- Use the chain.

So she has a spirit guide
slash self-defense coach.

- Apparently.
- Take his key.

Yes, spirit of mine self.

I can't talk anymore.

Oh, and grab his
smokes while you're at it.

I'm going deeper
inside of you.

And the name's
Beverly, by the way.

I can't remember my own time.

Uh uh, yeah, sure.

- My own, my name...
- Yeah, whatever.

- She's running.
- She's chasing rabbits!

In her mind, yes.

No, no, somewhere.

She's running.

Look, should I just
rent another office, or...

The witch has escaped!

The witch has escaped!

Well, I let the witch
escape, I must admit.

[cat yowls]
[Helene screams]

Get that cat outta here.

The pasty brigade.

Warriors of the wuss land.

The Fugiwitch.

They brought out their
brigade of three guards.

[Servo chuckles]

Ah, I'll go in the garage,

see if they left the
keys in the Buick.

You go and cry over there.

Sir, I think I got your
dance bill by mistake.

Stand and fight, Sir Woman.

I'm sorry, ma'am,
I'm just supposed to

film a US Marines commercial
around here, you seen 'em?

Ugh, Sir Road Hog!

Well, I'm at the legal
limit for witches, anyway,

bagged two today.

Oh, I wish I was a
prostitute in the 20th century!

Lady, that's horse
manure, well, no...

♪ Sing a song of grave yards

- ♪ An acre full of germs
- Oh, the Wizard of Oz.

♪ Four and 20 land lords

- ♪ Dinner for the worms
- Oh, boy.

♪ When the box was planted

- Meatloaf.
- Phil Harris.

Topal.

♪ Isn't that a dainty dish

♪ To set before a thing

Great, I'll send that
off to Phil Spector today.

[horse hooves approach]
[coffin lid creaks]

Oh, God, no, Mike Farrell!

I wanna go
left, stupid horse!

Good night, Sir Knight.

What is thy
name, grave digger?

I am the fool Smolkin,

betwitched and robbed
of all his senses.

The witch Helene has escaped
from the Tower of Death.

- Have you seen her?
- Helene?

The damsel they
say did bewitch me!

Nay, nay, I've not seen her.

What is in thy hearse?

The knight from Muncie.
[Crow laughs]

None but the lonely
corpse I take to bury.

For his own good,
he'd best be dead!

Open thy wagon.

Haulest thy
vehicle to the curb

and showest me thy driver's
license and registration.

Did thou knowest how
fast thou was driving?

This is pretty nice,
sir, you get good mileage?

Oh, he's at home,
but he'll not answer.

He's very shy.

How will ZZ Top carry on?

[imitates radio static]
One Adam 12,

see thouest the man corner
of Coldwater and Mulholland.

The law says that all
coffins must be sealed.

Nail it fast before thy
hearse turns another wheel.

Aye, aye, I'll
make a fine package.

I'm just goingst to let
thou off with a warning,

this time, and make
surest thou takest carest

of thatest tailightest.

[hammer bangs]
[gate clangs]

[chains rattle]
[gates bang]

Eh, I wouldn't feel too bad

about Tom being way
smarter than us, Mike.

Just means we're dumb.

Der...

Yeah, that's it, we're dumb.

We're dumb.
[Mike laughs]

- We're so dumb.
- Mike! Crow!

Servo's gone!

- Duh?
- Duh, where?

And now someone's calling

from the planet
of the smart guys.

Duh...

Well wrap my soul in
the bosom of Abraham,

I think it's Servo!

Tom, is that you?

- Der.
- Duh?

Ha ha, hi, guys!

Turns out I did so
darned well on that test,

they've invited me to join
their little club down here.

Ha, ha.

Anyway, I'm no longer Servo,

I'm now simply Observer!

But you can call me Servo!

Duh, hey, is this permanent?

Mike, no offense, but that's

exactly the kind of
question I'd expect

from a limited brain
guy like yourself.

Anyway, I'll just
play it by ear.

It's a pretty soft gig.

Stand around, observe, eat...

But the brainy guys
got their heads

up their behinds a little bit,
if you know what I'm saying.

Heh, heh, heh, ah!

Hi, how you doing, guys?

Oh, Mike, guys, you
remember Observer?

Observer, and of course
Observer back there,

he's got his brain in
the enrichment chamber,

the poor dope.

Has your day's
observing been fulfilling?

Oh, yeah, man.

I observed the crap outta this
one thing, I gotta tell ya.

Whoo!

You have not filed
your Observer report.

Observer report, huh.

Jeez, I guess I didn't
know about that.

You are possessed of
all knowledge, are you not?

Oh, sure, yeah.

Look, just shoot me the form
and I'll get you your report.

Guess I've just been
too darn busy observing!

[laughs]
There is no form!

Ah, ah, well.

Of course, because it's
pure mental energy, and...

Oh, hey, look, there's
Pearl Forrester!

Well, why don't you
read her mind, Observer?

Observer!

Ah, oh, me, ha, okay.

Let's see here, uh...

She's thinking I
couldn't read a mind

if it was written
on a cereal box.

I am a complete
fraud and these guys

are on to me and...

Oh!

Guess I was reading my own mind,
that can't be too hard, can it?

There's no spoons.

That's odd, I
created some spoons

with my mind just last week.

Well, I gotta get going.
[spoons clang]

Well, will you look at that.

What do you know
about that, spoons!

Where'd those...
[spoons clang]

Well you see what it is, is
I travel with a lot of spoons

just in case, and uh,

I guess I carried a few
too many spoons this time.

Didn't really need
all those spoons.

That's about all of 'em, though.

[spoons clang]
Well, no,

there's a couple more, there.

[spoons clang]
And there's another.

Lots and lots of spoons, huh?

Really nice, you
know, it's amazing,

it's the same pattern
that you guys use, too.

[laughs awkwardly]

Fiddle head, I
think it's called.

You can get it at
the Pottery Barn.

Well I know what let's do!

Hey, why don't we use my spoons

until we find your spoons!

[laughs awkwardly]

- Get him!
- Ah!

- Hmm.
- Ha, jeez.

So, what's going on?

Oh, Servo stole some spoons

and they're probably
gonna kill him.

Oh, well, right
on schedule, then.

- Yep.
- Hey Tom,

can you get some knives?

[Servo imitates
The Three Stooges]

Leave me alone,
you big dumb alien!

- Come back here.
- Get him!

Ya...

Mike, Crow, Gypsy,
can't you help me?

- Duh...
- Duh.

I don't know, I'm too dumb.

We're so dumb, we're so dumb.

Ah wait, wait, you
got the wrong guy,

I was framed, framed
I'm telling you!

This isn't his
brain, it's an olive!

You fooled us.

We will send you back
to your puny kind.

Yeah, well that's
fine with me, pal.

- Can you read my mind now?
- Ah!

Huh? You like that one, huh?

- Oh, no!
- How 'bout that, huh?

And observe this!

Ha ha ha.

Yeah, that too.

We'll be right back.

Anything but that, oh...

[Mystery Science Theater
3000 theme music]

- Oh, God.
- ♪ The witches have heads

- ♪ But they'll sever them all
- This guy.

♪ The head of Helene is
the 3rd that doth fall

♪ All the king's horses
and all the king's men

♪ Can't put the witches
together again

You oughtta see his
annual Christmas show,

it's beautiful.
[Mike laughs]

Oh, hey, the Hooters mascot.

See, 'cause it's all about owls.

- Yep.
- Hooters.

[dramatic music]

That's really
quick evolution.

Couple seconds of the iguana.

Oh, we got tree barties.

Pendragon.

'Scuse me, gotta
find a litter box.

Someone on the
set was in charge

of tossing cats around, huh?

- Livia.
- It's a good job.

What brings you to
the depths of the woods?

Sorrow, what brings thee?

All the Shire knows

I seek the proof of
Helene's innocence.

I'm heading to Rivendell.

Would you climb the
very walls of the tower?

If I found no
other course, yes.

Wouldst thou
eatest a jar of bugs?

Wouldst that I had a
love as great as thine.

What arts thou
supported with, Livia?

Where do you
journey, this night?

To the cemetery.

I must speak with
the digger Smolkin.

Slab-o-face.

They convicted Helene
of bewitching him.

- I believe it not.
- Nor I.

Go, seek poor Smolkin and bring
the proof to free thy love.

Thank you, Livia.

Good night.

Take care, 'tis the eve
of the witch's Sabbath.

So, fare thee well and stuff.

Oh!

Ow, that one hurt
for some reason.

- His nose grew!
- The needle

of my compass swings to north.

'Tis whimpering Helene I put
in prison for the axe to kiss.

Yeah, kiss my axe.

Next, we'll meet
Pendragon at his tavern home.

'Ere this night is done,
I'll have his heart,

or else I'll have his soul.

I feel delighted
in a generic way.

Ah, Weekend at
Bernies, the early years.

This is how Anthony
Quinn's wife must feel.

[group chuckles]

Ah, the medieval Squiggy.

Let's see, what
rhymes with coffin?

Hoffin, Soften,
John McLaughlin...

He also does puppet
shows with the corpses.

Arthur's keeper,

I would have a room for
my mouldering friend.

Are you the digger Smolkin?

I've been told
that I am Smolkin,

but I am mad so cannot
be sure of anything.

Then how can you
be sure you're mad?

You are bewitched?

- Terribly.
- Bothered? Bewildered?

Well tell me,
Smolkin, I must know.

Was it Helene who did it to you?

Helene, who must suffer
death for thy enchantment?

Being enchanted, I
have no way of knowing.

They say the enchantment
has destroyed my reason.

- That's a face.
- Without reason,

there is no memory.

So it must follow
that I do not remember

who it was who bewitched me.

Do you jest with
me, grave digger?

Again, I cannot say.

I am mad, so therefore cannot
tell a jest from a joust.

Dig's graves and
plays with your mind.

I have much to do this night.

Gotta help
Strider move a couch.

I don't think thou
art as mad as all say.

Come on, Huggie,
what do you know?

Stir up thy brain, Smolkin.

I'll be back to ask more of you.

Again, I cannot say
if you will be back

for I am mad.

And wouldst thou pick
me up a MAD Magazine?

I have to watch
Mad About You tonight.

Madness is just
a cry for help.

Ah, well, back to work.

And back to my
Tin Pan Alley songs.

♪ Dickety, dickety horse

- Oh, cripes.
- ♪ My guest is dead, of course

- ♪ The clock struck two
- Central time.

- ♪ He's turning blue
- And I'm Hindu Babaloo,

Dippity do, yadda, hoona, hey.
[Servo laughs]

♪ With little or no remorse

Oh, that was pretty weak.

Yeah, it didn't
quite scan, did it?

[Helene cries]
[bangs on coffin]

Hey, something actually
stopped him from singing.

Yay!

Nice.

Apparently there were Hardware
Hanks in the middle ages.

Gettest thou a cemetery
full of savings, at Menards!

[Helene cries out]

Uh, you could help me
from the inside, you know.

[Helene gasps]
Soft, girl, soft.

- I'll say.
- Thou art safe.

What grisly monster
closed you in this box?

- Whoa, don't do that!
- Was it I?

Help me, for
God's sake, help me.

Aye, that I will,
though my entangled brain

could bring thee
more harm than help.

Do I know thee?

Weren't we in
homeroom together?

Yes, yes, I do.

Thou art Helene, who
cast a spell on me!

Spell?
Nay, not I.

If you are Smolkin then you know
we have never met before.

If I am Smolkin.

I may be James Coco.

- Come, out of this rot.
- And into my rot.

And tell me what I may do.

Anyone gonna bury
me some time soon?

Oh, I beg you.

Hide me, please.

Get me to a place that
I may stay the night.

At 12 the witch's
Sabbath will occur.

At dawn, they will execute

the three witches
condemned by law.

Oh, if I may but live
to see the sunrise,

I shall have a whole year
to prove my innocence.

These laws are
positively medieval.

Aye, the witch's Sabbath.

It will be held this
very night, here,

in mine own cherished cemetery.

Go, into the mutton cart.

I'll take thee to a place

where none save Satan
himself might find thee.

His head looks
like a sand trap.

Lie still, old man.

I'll make thy bed when I return.

And I'll leave
a light on for you.

[Servo hums]
[cat meows]

Meow.

Me, wow.

Ah, she still coughs
up hairballs, though.

I'd like to flea bomb
her, I'll tell you that.

Hey, hey.

Hey, she's got a zipper.

Weren't those invented--

If she wants a zipper,
she can have a zipper, Mike.

- Ow!
- Hee hee.

Good evening, Livia.

Welcome to the Gabriel's Horn.

- Sorry, we're full.
- Join me,

Scroop, and rest
thy meaty burden.

All staff'll
be down in a sec.

I see you are prepared.

Corn flowers, wolfsbane,
chicken bones.

Snakes, frogs and amulets.

Big screen TV.

No witch will pass
my door, this night.

And here's garlic,
best protection of all.

Hate it when the
waiter sits down with you.

If there's one who
can handle witches

- and the imps that serve them,
- Oh, boy.

It's Scroop of
the Gabriel's Horn.

We can't all be clever.

And don't feed your
imp from the table,

he won't go back to
his regular food.

- Scroop, bring some ale.
- Rest thy corpulence.

I'll take the ale.

I'm not corpulent,
I'm big boned.

Digger Smolkin says,
"Eatest mine dust."

It seems like a nice night,

but I do not know for I am mad.

I call it Bowling
Ball in Repose.

This movie's like
a medieval Ghost, huh?

Thank you, Scroop.

You can leave the
ale on the table.

Has Adam come with the
chaps to prison quarters?

So they had filthy
walls back then, too?

No, I am not she.

Forgive the look
on my face, Livia.

I'm just butt-ugly.

- For a moment, I-
- Be not ashamed of love.

Please, I have to finish
my sculpture of Eisenhower.

My thanks for
bringing the ale.

That's a nice skort on.

Your drink could
bring but only

half the forgetfulness you seek.

And what of the other half?

Look to me for it.

Mmm, her breath
smells like Fancy Feast.

Ooh, you're tongue
is like sandpaper.

I can only presume
that you have, by that,

released some violence
that has inflamed thee.

Speaking of inflamed...

For years.

I would not bring the truth
of it before thee now, if...

Now-eth?
[group chuckles]

If that Helene were
not as good as dead.

As good as dead
is not dead, Livia.

But she will be, let's rock.

The first light of morning,
she will be lost to you.

Wow, eager gal.

Our spirits may
despair, Pendragon,

but dare those spirits
tie the hands of flesh?

- Do not tempt me.
- I do not tempt, I give.

She's perky, I
like her attitude.

[Mystery Science Theater
3000 theme music]

Where have you brought me?

The deepest
part of the forest.

Go you through the brambles
till you see a light.

There you will find
a house and hearth.

A house?

Will I be safe there?

A madman can't
be sure of that.

No more than whether you
bewitched me, or did not.

Oh, sure, throw that at me.

♪ Hey, diddle diddle,
the rat and the fiddle

Oh...

♪ The corpse jumped
over his tomb

Now that's purely gratuitous.

That stinks.
[frog croaks]

That frog's a
good licking size.

[Helene cries out]

A small, amphibious
reptile, run!

Hey, there's smudge
in the orange grove.

Ah, it's noon.

Corman's theory of
directing, light, and get away.

Hey, that leather
mug salesman's

doing all right for himself.

What a pretty yamaka.

Grumpy, Grump, Sneezy,
let me in, it's Snow!

James Woods.
[Helene screams]

- I don't like tudor houses!
- Enough of this.

I demand you bring
her out of it, now.

No, Professor...

- Is he sitting on her?
- I don't know

what's being done
to her, right now,

but the shock of
returning might kill her.

We may already
have done that.

But enough of us,
back to our film.

Come inside, my dear.

Oh, it's the Olive Garden.

Yeah, I also hate
it when they seat you

before you get a
look at the menu.

- Yeah.
- Ugh.

So I bought land
on the edge of Mordor,

it's really coming back.

These are the
designs of the prison

towers and passageways.

Thank you, Plop.

Well, I got a party
of eight coming in,

jousting rush just started.

- Ah, and we're back.
- Wow.

There's still some
contact, her lips are moving.

Please get me
out of this film.

- But there's no speech.
- Please?

I'll go back to
waitressing, I promise.

She may be this way
until the end of her life.

- Which one?
- Witch one, get it?

- Witch one?
- Kill him.

[Crow laughs]
It's okay, it's okay.

- It's Corman. It's Corman.
- I know.

[Meg Maud cackles]

Tis a fine brew,
we are finished.

What will you do with me?

Who knows, my child?

Perhaps I'll turn
thee into an owl

to catch mice for my cauldron.

Then thou art a witch.

Find one who say Meg
Maud is not a witch.

And I'll turn
butter out of blood.

- Yuck.
- I know thee, Helene.

- Smolkin is my friend.
- Mother, please.

How did thou escape?

A voice that was mine
self in ages yet to come

did show me the way
to loose my bond.

- Ah!
- Ah, ah, ah.

By a voice?

In ages yet to come?

This is not the sort of magic

that Satan has given to me.

Then thou art a witch?

I was at thy trial.

I heard the witness Livia swear

that she did see thee
cast a spell on Smolkin.

So uh, how do
you like your eggs?

One last ingredient
for my brew.

Oh, yeah.

One raven strand
of maiden virtue.

It seems like David
Brinkley, "one raven strand"...

Thou does not
mean to kill me?

They have named thee witch.

If I am a witch,
the same as thee,

should not sister help sister?

Huh? I didn't get that.

Aye, aye, that is true.

We witches must stand together.

[Meg Maud laughs]

Good, well said, Helene.

Perhaps I'll give thee thy head.

Stay here, little witch,

and bar the door to all but me.

I'm going down
to the Winn-Dixie

for some grease that's sweating
from the murderer's pubic.

I have some conjouring to do.

Oh, could you pick
me up some Rice Dream?

- She's a weirdo, man.
- Mmhmm.

She's hitting happy hour
with Margaret Hamilton.

[knocks at door]
Community Theater Witch!

Must be here for
my Ox Stomach Pudding.

Now there's a
fine face to see

on such a fine night!

Let me in, Scroop.

You hiring strippers?

Who else has been here?

- Helene has escaped.
- Escaped?

- Escaped!
- Escaped.

Well, there've
been no soldiers.

Pendragon is upstairs,
with a maiden, Livia.

Livia?
Call him down.

Ho! Pendragon!
[group laughs]

I coulda done that, jeez!

Say nothing to Livia,
she must not learn of this.

Huzzah, who's the babe?

This is Meg Maud, she has
news of great import for thee.

Ask nothing, get
thee with all haste

to my cottage in the marsh.

And you are...

It's just beyond the hillock
where they hang the highwaymen.

What say thee?

Ask nothing, ride as
thou thy horse had wings!

I trust you implicitly.

Now I'll go play
with his clothes.

[cat meows]
[Crow hacks]

[knocking at door]
I'm shapeshifting.

The door's
unlatched, pray enter.

[group singsongs]

What be thy business
with Pendragon, witch?

I think that I
shall marry him.

Ha!

He would not have thee

with thy gullet
stuffed with gold.

- You called me "witch."
- That really hurt.

No woman, man, or
creature like yourself

has dared to call me that and--

Lived to see another, witch?

I wasn't gonna say that.

We know one the other well.

One day, thy mother
did bear a female child.

And on another day she
did sell her soul to Satan

and become his bird of prey.

Oh, so you know about that.

One day, my mother
bore a female child,

and she did grow
aged and deformed.

Is this blank verse?

And on another day,
she cheated Satan,

learned his tricks and
yet retained her soul.

And her water.

I am thy match, witch,

but I am not thy kind.

I know it well.

You're just mad
that Bobby Russell

didn't ask you to the ski trip.

You will make
me a fine opponent.

What the hell is this,

a bust of Chiang Kai-shek
made out of liver?

Ooh!

- Take care, strumpet!
- Gimme!

I know thy magic
better than thyself.

[Mystery Science Theater
3000 theme music]

Do you get free tailoring
on each suit you buy?

I guarantee it.

Is there water at the
bottom of the ocean?

I guarantee it.

Do I guarantee it?

I guarantee it.

Ah, Crow, you
wanna get going?

'Cause we're gonna get a
Hot Pocket or something.

I guar... Oh, sure, great.
Okay, great.

Fist full of
Philly Beef, for me.

Whoa!

Who hath summoned me?

Well, I, I don't
think that I did.

Did you guys?

- I don't think so.
- No, not that I recall.

Someone has brought me here

from the realm of the unknown,

and I intend to, uh oh...

- Uh oh.
- Whoa.

Didn't mean to do that.

Didn't mean to do that.

Because I have
terrible, dark powers,

- Sure you do.
- Which I intend to...

- Yeah.
- Oh, cripes!

- There you go again.
- What the?

Oh.

Oh, never been
a football before.

That was cool.

The heck is going on, here?

Uh, ma'am, do you
need a glass of water?

- Yeah.
- Yes, you know...

No, no, I...

I want your very souls, and I...

- Oh, wow.
- Oh, boy.

Oh, oh!

Oh, penguin? Wow.

- Trying my best...
- Yeah.

- Just a little bit rusty...
- Sure, it takes it outta ya.

- It's just, oh boy!
- Whoa!

Wah!

Yikes.

Uh, ma'am?

Uh, evil, soul-stealing ma'am?

Ah, shape-shifting
bride of Satan?

Uh, Missus Witchiness?

Oh, darn it.

I'm stuck, and, I'm stuck!

Oh, this is so annoying.

Well, whenever you get--
[klaxon buzzes]

Movie sign!

Hey, where are you going...
[voice recedes]

[chains rattle]

[gates clang]

You know, we could
use some bleach.

Still tonight, Helene.

Still one deadly night.

Let's have some soup.

Where's Meg?

The witch?

She's at the bar.

For she thinks I
am the same as she.

I fooled her.
[Pendragon laughs]

You couldn't fool
a child in his cradle.

Gee, thanks.

She is the one sent
me here to find you.

Why'd you ask where she is?

I'm glad of that.

And yet, Pendragon, this
place, 'tis unhealthy.

I sense radon.

Well come, then, I'll
take you to the tavern.

Scroop is a good fellow.

He'll help watch
over you, come on.

We'll get a burger basket
and a couple of lineys.

So, you would
enchant Pendragon as
you did poor Smolkin.

We shall see, my dear.

So we shall.

Helene lives but
a few more hours.

Then Pendragon is mine.

- I'll take that challenge.
- And your little dog, too.

Hark you this:

Pendragon shall be
free of thee forever.

And what's more,
the maid condemed

shall live beyond this night,

and live to see
thee to thy death.

Says you!

Is it a wager, then, my
twisted copy of a wizardess?

Try every trick you
know, I'll vanquish thee.

And I'll do it in my sleep.

- You got me.
- Sleep?

Not while I'm awake.

Aye, sleep is coming.

In the sulphurous pit!

You mean Scroop's underarm?

Oh, she's good,
she nailed me there.

Whew. Zing.

Now I understand
dwarf-tossing.

Good, old fashioned
nightmare fuel.

You know, this forest
could use a plant.

This kingdom has
maybe six people.

♪ Me in White Satin
[Mike chuckles]

Sorry.

There goes the dumbest
knight in the realm.

Let us now fly to
Smolkin's church yard,

and there prepare
the tables of earth

for the banquet of the Sabbath.

Let us be little B-1 Bombers.

[Smokin sings]
Ah, jeez.

- Oh, man.
- Do you have a gun?

[Crow imitates Smolkin singing]

♪ She tried, but the
corpse sadly cried

Reconnaissance!

Be off, ghoul,
and leave me alone.

The first highway worker.

Good evening, Smolkin.

From a Sara!

Ah, 'tis Livia, the witch.

Welcome to my flesh farm.

Disturb me not, lummox.

I must hasten to sweep
these wandering ghosts back

to their earthen homes before
the witch's Sabbath begins.

Oh, and are you to
be the Queen of Sorcery

at the revelry tonight, Livia?

Aye, and stand at
Lucifer's right hand.

- Cool.
- 'Tis said the queen

must bring to Satan's hand
one freshly severed head

as proof that she is
true to his black trust.

A head. I never got...

- Take Smolkins'!
- Yeah!

- Get him, get his head!
- Say I cut yours off?

- The head of a madman,
- Yeah, let's do it!

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

The devil might feel slighted

if you brought him
less than the best.

He's not that picky.

Pity, thou must
seek elsewhere.

I must hurry home to
see how fare my charges.

He's violating
a lot of fire laws.

They mustn't
know of our love.

I have the urge to pour
Frangelico out of his neck.

Me too.

You should not
have brought her here!

The night is filled
with soldiers.

We saw them,
it is safer here.

What if they search my place?

And find my stash of...

Hide in my room, Helene,

and try to rest.

I must find Smolkin.

If I'm not back within the hour,

Kill me.

get thee to Meg
Mauds and wait me there.

Here's some CPR.

Ooh, Sir Bob of Packwood.

Hi, who are you? Oh.

There goes a
deeply mediocre man.

Oh, his response to the
film is just like ours.

[Diana moans]

There's something
wrong with my King Koil.

Rob, I'm telling
Alan what you're doing.

- Who are you?
- ♪ Who who, who who

- I am Helene.
- I'm a sophmore.

- What is your time?
- I've got half-past, you?

It is the night of
the witch's Sabbath.

In the second year in
the reign of King Mark.

King Mark the Forgettable.

What is it that you fear?

I fear death.

Oh, no, you haven't
paid your bill, yet.

Death, by what means?

And why?

By chocolate.

Death by the headman's axe.

At dawn I shall be executed
wrongly as a witch.

If they find me here at the
tavern or at Meg Maud's...

You're not in imprisoned?

No. Over to you,
Kitty Carlisle.

I was imprisoned
in the Tower of Death,

until the voice of
Diana Love freed me.

- Oh!
- Oh, I hate Diana Love.

The past, we've altered it.

- The implications are--
- Pendragon...

Let me look at the manual.

Pendragon.
Pendragon.

Pendragon.
Pendragon.

A strange interlude.

She's away from us again.

- Quintus!
- What?

I almost fell off.

There's a bruise
on her forearm.

It wasn't there before.

Then the regression is
physical as well as mental!

Sleep with as many slaves...

I mean a stitch in time...

If I could...

- ♪ Turn back time
- No...

No, not for years.

What are you talking about?

What you talking
about, Willis?

According to certan
priests in Nepal,

Nipple? What?

I could follow her.

- Neil Simon!
- Follow her?

Yes.

Or no would be okay, too.

Never mind.

I'm a bad psychical
researchiculator.

Hey, your imp is dragging.

I thought you would be
tearing down the tower wall?

No need.

Helene is free.

Smolkin, saddle the horse.

- Pendragon, wait!
- Can you fix my dwarf?

What is it, Livia?

'Tis sad that
I must be the one

to bear such dark news, but...

I stuff.

I have lately
learned Helene escaped

but retaken again.

Taken?

Nay, it cannot be, I've
but left her in my room.

'Tis true.

Look in the glass.

Let's take a look
at the instant replay.

Help me, Obi-Wan K...

Oh, different movie, sorry.

I instantly believe you.

Sir Gull of Bull.

She is at Scroop's tavern.

Take wing!

Uh, you want
me to tape Wings?

Well, I'm not a fan of the
show, but if you want me to...

Move fast to her
head, old warty Meg.

Smolkin is coming.

We need a flow
chart for this movie.

Hey, hey, there's
an imp on line one.

Imp on line one.

The hour is done.

Come, we must return
to my cottage.

Nay, he will be
here soon, I know it.

He knows the sand
has run its course

and will go to my
place instead of this.

Come!

Come on, they'll charge
us for an extra day.

Oh, it's beautiful
when the tortillas

come back to Capistrano.

Bullseye.

Downstairs.

It's a door-slamming
fado farce

but without any humor
or wit or intelligence.

Scroop, where is she?

Meg Maud?

She's gone some time.

Not the hag, I
speak of Helene!

Helene, the witch?

She'd never get by the
charms upon my door.

I thought she was at the tower?

She has escaped, and
roams the countryside.

She's free-range.

Take care, Scroop, take care.

She's mad and crafty.

The angry decoupage.

I shall take care, indeed.

No one can say that Scroop
is one to lose his head.

[group in unison] Scroop
is one to lose his head.

Scroop is a liar.

And a head is needed
for the Sabbath!

Wait, wait, have
some pie first.

Ah!

All right, if this
was a Coen Brothers film

he'd be in the wood
chipper so fast...

- Oh, ya.
- Whoo!

A goblet for my pearl.

Oh, and uh, grab a
Zip Loc for the head

and a meat diaper
for all the juice.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy,
oh boy, oh boy, fresh head!

Oh boy, oh boy.

There are so many house
cats down there right now.

So there's not a
trace of blood anywhere.

Oh, like his head
fit in the roll basket.

You know they deflate
after you cut 'em off.

Oh.

And I get to lick the axe.

I'm a damn good imp.

Showcasing breasts.

[dog barks]
Ruff!

Oh.
We try to preserve her life

and you would frighten
her out of it.

Why are you here, Smolkin?

All the land is busy tonight,

and I am busy, too.

I've come to tell you of
those who travel in the night.

Speak with sanity, fool.

Livia and her imp are
flying up and down the night

intent on murdering this
elfin sprite of thine.

Into the house!

Who else is traveling tonight?

No one else except Pendragon,

who I think has gone to lay a
siege upon the Tower of Death.

Oh!

Gosh, they got really lax
security in the Tower of Death.

Well, parallel universe.

Yeah, yeah, brilliant
scene making, here.

Oh, that can't smell good.

He made the huge,
quarry stone wall shake.

Fight choreography
by Leo Sayer.

Yeah, hold still
there. Thanks.

Does this bug you?

Does this bug you?
Does this bug you?

Huh?
[Mike chuckles]

Oh!

Oh, the wind!

When your punches,

fly past

my face!

He leaves as he entered,

sliding down a wall
in greasy anonymity.

It can't be done,
Quintus, never.

I've seen it in Nepal.

Oh, the work of charlatans.

The rational mind can
accept just so much.

I'm going to
do it, Professor.

Rob...

Even if you could do it,
you can't leave her now.

[Crow imitates snoring]

If you don't awaken her by
dawn, she'll die in the past.

No, she's
escaped in the past.

If she does not
die where and when

she really did in the
unchanged past, she'll die now.

She'll live none of
her future lives.

How do you know
when she died?

We sent Diana,
[snore imitation grows loud]

Diana freed Helene,

who was to have died at dawn.

Her entire destiny's been
thrown out of balance.

I'm not doing everything.

You can't do it, Quintus.

Well I'm going to do it.

I need the cardiograph.

- Now look, I want--
- I'll get one myself.

Meanwhile, in the better
but more confusing story...

Flying place mats!

Gotta admit
they did a good job

with the 10 by 12 set.

Let's camp here tonight,

we still have 10
more feet to go.

If I was starting
a pyramid scheme,

I'd start with
Pendragon. Dragon.

The Widow Wences!

Pendragon, where do
you go in such dejection?

School.

To visit Meg Maud.

Who's Magma?

I could not free
Helene from the tower.

She isn't in the
tower, you knob!

Now all is lost, Livia.

Then I must
help thee save her.

Help me? How?

You could not split
the tower's stones.

Perhaps I could.

I could not tell
you before, but...

I'm Kaye Ballard.

Now because I love thee,

because I must help thee,

I am a witch.

Rocking.

A witch?

I know you must
loathe me for it.

So I held my tongue
until the day

I could hold thy heart.

Now I know you have
loved Helene too much

to think of me or any
other in the land.

Witch...

Oh, I would not hurt thee

for the very throne of Hades.

Maybe for a dollar.

I will use my powers
to release Helene.

Uh, okay.

How would you free her?

By witchcraft
and black magic.

'Tis the only way.

Oh, and I'll need a gun.

If witchcraft
be the only out,

I'll take it.

World's largest chin ass.

Whatever the cost.

Then thou must sell thy soul.

What?

There is but one anywhere
who can help you, now.

That is the devil,
and he claims a price.

Ray Price!
[laughs]

For thy soul,
he'll free Helene.

Duh, did I sell my soul
for something else, already?

If I sell my soul,
I can pay the mortgage,

maybe get a bass boat, yeah.

Uh, what were
we talking about?

I'll do it.

Great, I'll set
up a closing date.

We'll join the Sabbath soon.

Ozzy's gonna play.

First, Pendragon, give to me

thy gift of one embrace.

No more, to warm the chill
upon this witch's heart.

Give to me your leather,

take from me my lace.

Oh, forgive
me, but this chill

brings out the
wildness in my blood.

Whoo!

Ah, she went to Burger
King for her birthday.

It will be necessary
for you to put me

through four rapid
stages of hypnosis.

Auto-suggestion on
my part will help

to speed the process.
[group imitates snoring]

I don't approve
of this, Quintus,

I think you're accomplice.

Watch the dials on
the machine, Professor.

When Diana's brain
waves blend with mine,

and become one, stop.

You will know it is in effect.

No two brains
can merge totally

and move freely on the same
wavelength, that's impossible.

Please, Professor,
we must hurry.

The time here probably
matches the time then,

which means we're
close to midnight.

Uh huh.

The time of all
the witch's Sabbaths.

So is that medieval
standard time?

- All right.
- All right, hunker down.

- Gird your loins.
- Relax, Quintus.

Sleep!

Look into my eyes...

And love me for who I am.

We're both after
the same thing.

Uh, you're after hair, right?

- Sleep.
- Sleep, yes.

- You're asleep.
- Buttery sleep.

Total, complete, sleep.

Candy coated, chocolatey,
crunchy, munchy sleep.

- Sleep.
- Yummy sleep.

Hold!

[group chuckles]

The hour of 12 descends.

Take you each a separate road--

What're you doing down there?

If the witch
you see, kill her.

But tarry not.

So, you can't bring clothes
back through time, okay.

Hey, uh, this
look familiar, Mike?

Hey, hey.

Me, help, attacked I'm being!

Hitting me, stop you must!

God, dear bleeding am I,

break my leg, think I did you.

Now he's just naked
from the waist down,

butt cheeks flapping
in the wind.

There. Sure glad I don't
look stupid in this.

Ah, her adam's
apple was showing.

Why must you venture
to that unholy rite?

If I am to know what
tricks are in store for thee,

I must go to Smolkin's
field and view the games.

I'll be discreet and
keep myself well hid.

This lout here will
guard you, aye Smolkin?

Pray guard thy
soul, Meg Maud.

When first we met this night
I thought thee a witch.

Now I love thee as an angel.

- Ew.
- Stay by my hearth.

And listen not to
voices in the night.

Take care.

There's some newt
livers in the fridge.

No friends in the
house, bye bye.

Um, forsooth-eth?

Okay, listen up,
let's get all the actors

together on the set
and work this plot out.

Okay, first we have too many
serfs and not enough fiefs,

let's snap it up, people.

This is a very
dispirited Easter egg hunt.

[group imitates moaning]

So this Satan, he
a pretty nice guy?

'Cause I heard he can be
pretty mean, actually.

How soon will Satan come?

He's already here.

Some whisp of slinking fog.

Oh, he's Mel Torme.

I'll show is born when
all the beggars have arrived.

[Mystery Science Theater
3000 theme music]

Ah, sorry folks,
Satan has no work today.

The time has come.

Yes, dear.

I must call him there,
at the altar of the profane.

Yes, dear, I know, dear.

Wake, the emperor of hell...

You know Michael Eisner?

Well, he's not the
emperor of hell, really,

he's the vice
president in charge of
administration of hell.

♪ Brought my head for
you, parum-pa-pa-pum

Satan's gonna be
peeved at the turnout,

but you know he didn't
do any mailings, so...

Prince of Darkness.

Author of Evil.

Where should I
put my casserole?

Arch enemy of heaven,

Satan,
Satan.

Satan.
Satan.

I bid thee welcome
to the witch's Sabbath.

Oops.

Are you ready to rock?

Welcome folk of judgement.

[group in unison] Hi!

You have come to
pledge your service

to thy righteous lord!

And for thy names upon my book,

you shall have wealth
and food and safety

all thy lives from heel or want.

What's everybody
drinking tonight?

Such is my boon.

To prove this be not
evil, dark or sad affair,

What?

pray give my people
song and dance and gaiety!

Uh huh.

Bid the dancers appear.

The June Taylor Corpses!

First, a demonstration
of the ab crunch.

[spooky music]

♪ We are family

♪ I got Satan's corpses and me

- Whoa, ho, what is this?
- Wow.

Oh my God, stop that.

You know, if Satan
thinks you've gone too far,

you've gone too far.

Oh, spazz attack,
spazz attack!

Satan, Satan, he's our man.

If he can't do it, nobody can.

- Satan!
- Yay!

Susan, I just stepped
on your stupid barrette.

Now, I am a tree,

growing in the spring.

It must be tough when you
have worms in your unitard.

It is.

Limbo, limbo, limbo.

Last night's performance was
hardly a graveyard smash.

It makes one pine for
the Transylvanian Twist.

So that woman's
name is Scott.

Debbie, you're in my grave.

Let the sellers
come, and speak.

If you pledge your soul,
you'll get a Satan tote bag.

Um, I thought this was
the driver's license place?

They call me
Leper, and unclean.

And banished me to
forest and swamp.

Sign, Leper, and be clean.

And then they pantsed me

and they dragged me
around the track.

Great, he's gonna be
on hell's mailing list.

Well, leprosy's a
little better, I guess.

Oh, so I can get back
in if I leave the bar?

Never have I looked
upon so depraved an act.

We shall go to him now,

and soon complete the business.

Yes, dear.

I doubt I can do it.

Would you save Helene?

Well, she's cute
and stuff, but my soul?

You know, Satan might not
even want his stupid soul.

Now you just sell your
soul to Mister Satan,

Yes, dear.
and march right back here.

Yes, dear.

- Satan...
- I haven't crapped in months.

My life's been full
of slavery and toil.

Would I could've had the
better things in life.

Sign...

I guess I'm a little unclear

exactly what you're
asking for, but sure.

Here's a spiral
cut ham for you.

- Hale, Divinity.
- Hey, I was next!

Come on, what're you doing?

I will hear thee, Livia.

Here is Pendragon,
long beloved of Helene,

who waits in the Tower of Death

and must lose her head at dawn.

Ew, his adam's
apple's off center, yeh!

And this man
would have her freed?

- Aye.
- Aye-aye.

Even at the cost of my soul.

Sign, and she is
thine forever more.

Press hard, you are
making four copies.

And we'll need your work number.

Pendragon, wait!

I am Nimrod from the future.

Would you sign without
a try at bargaining?

I know you.

You do, devil?

Satan?

I hardly think so.

- So, Quintus...
- Crisp.

You have slipped at
last the bonds of time.

There is is,
right there. Eee!

I knew you'd dabble
in my art one day.

Your interest
flatters me, sir.

Don't sell, Pendragon,
lend him your soul.

Say for a month, if
he will let her off.

What say, dear, a month?

Nay!

He's a fool and madman,
do not listen to him.

Sign the book.

I'll hear him,
and his sanity.

Oh, sell soul, rent it back,

you get a big tax break.

What say thee to a month?

I say be off.

What is a month?

What's it doing over there?

When I could have
a life and all beyond?

Sign, and for all eternity,

else the woman remains encaged.

But the woman isn't encaged!

What's the use of this talk?

It's all fixed,
it's total crap.

I'll sign.

Don't do it, Pendragon.

I just need some oats.

If I promise you
that she will go free,

will you come with me now,

and forget the book?

Yes, I'll come.

I am the waffling knight.

But if your words are false,

I will pound you so bad.

I must return and sign.

Agreed.

So, let's recap, what
exactly is the agreement, here?

Next, now serving number 72.

Do you know of some
place called Lake Morse?

Aye, 'tis but a short way.

Lead me there.

'Tis Thirsty Thursday,
there's two for one tonight.

Satan, I'd like
to move up the ladder

in the Lollipop Guild.

Come!

I thought I'd
sprayed for imps.

[Satan laughs evilly]

The lady in front
laughs, what a suck-up.

You think you
and I could ever be

more than just witch and imp?

This guy was never in heaven,

he was cast out of
community theater.

Then I got the
Plague, the Black Death,

Leprosy, oh...

Got my keys.

Meg Maud, how good
to have thee back.

I came directly
through the marsh

so that none might
see and precede me.

What fun was had at the
witch's Sabbath tonight?

Oh, we talked and laughed.

Pendragon fights to
free thee from the tower.

He nearly sold his soul, but
was prevented by a knight.

Then I had a
turkey leg, and--

Now you are safe, Helene.

And may sleep 'till morning
lifts the blanket of fear.

No axe shall touch thee, now.

This is Meg Maud's.

Go in, she's waiting for you.

Go, Sir Sack of Door Knobs!

[gates clang]

[chains rattle]

Yeah, I told you guys,

I thought Digger Smolkin
sounded familiar,

so I dug out this old album
I bought at a garage sale

the same time I
bought my beloved copy

of Shaun Cassidy's Wasp.

Mike, every single
reference to your past

paints an ever darker
picture of a damaged,

lonely little man.

Ah, says you.

You wanna hear Digger
Smolkin, or not?

- Oh, yeah.
- Are you kidding?

Slap that on there,
you wonderful man.

Okay, here we go.

Digger Smolkin, the
darkly comic song stylist

of our times, reinterprets the
world's greatest hits, huh!

Let's hear it.

♪ There's a dead rat

♪ Aren't we a corpse

Okay, uh...

All right, let's
try this one, here.

♪ I'm just a corpse
who can't say field

♪ I'm in a terrible rat

Yeah, I think we get
the idea on that one.

Yep.

♪ 76 dead rats in the cemetery

Ha, Mike, you don't have that

Shaun Cassidy album
with you, do you?

Heh, heh, heh, no, no.

It's gotta get
better, here, come on.

Let's try this one.

♪ Kill a little dialogue,
kill a little dialogue,

♪ What, what, what dialogue,

♪ Kill 'em all

♪ Kill a little dialogue

Okay, okay.

Go on to the next one,

it's one of his
lonesome country hits.

Oh, okay.

♪ Hello, filth, didn't
see you standing there

Try the next cut.

It's called, Sweet
Judy Blue Rack.

[Mike laughs]
Okay.

I think we know what's coming.

♪ It's getting to the corpse

♪ That I know filled anymore

I'm picking up
a pattern, here.

Try cut number 16.

The liner notes say,
"Smolkin's tone palette

"is so rich, it's particularly
well suited for music

"of the early romantic period."

Hm.

Oh, yeah, I'll hear
that when I believe it.

Okay.

♪ Ba ba ba filth,
ba ba ba corpse

Wow.

♪ Ba ba ba filth,
ba ba ba corpse

♪ Ba ba ba rat

♪ Ba ba ba filth, ba ba ba rat

♪ Ba ba ba death

♪ Ba ba ba death, ba ba ba rat

♪ Ba ba ba death, ba ba ba rat

♪ Ba ba ba death, rat, corpse

♪ Ba ba ba coffin

Okay, well I think
we've heard enough of that.

No, no, no, hold on.

It says he does a
touching straight
version of Greensleeves.

- Huh.
- Oh, okay. Well, let's see.

♪ Alas, my love

♪ You do me wrong

- ♪ To put me off
- Rat... Nice!

- ♪ Discourteously
- Yeah, kinda nice.

♪ And I have loved
you for so long

♪ Delighting in your

- ♪ Company
- Good voice.

♪ Greensleeves is what she wore

♪ And greensleeves
was my delight

♪ Hazed, hazed to bring her love

♪ Who but my lady filth

- No.
- No, 'course there it is.

I knew we'd get to it.
Well, we'll be right back.

Try this first cut again.

♪ It's a dead rat,
aren't we a corpse?

♪ Losing my coffin,
this time of

Young fools, the heat of
their lips burns the cotton

from their hearts.
The corpse, is night--

Okay, that's great.

Well, Meg, 'tis a cold night.

Aye, the rascals are young.

Look to the doors, and--

Smolkin's naked
sometimes, Mike.

Oh, damn you, Servo.

So, you have again escaped.

Nay, I've been
here all the time.

But Livia said...

That's the last
time I believe an evil
witch and her imp.

Yes, Livia...

That Encyclopidia.

A knight brought
me here, this time.

Oddly, he spoke,
oddly he looked on me.

Oddly did I
feel down there...

Piercingly deep as
though his eyes were knives.

Tell me, what
did he look like?

Dark, with rumpled
hair, scar on his cheek.

No pants.

Tall, with the aspect of
Master written upon his brow.

Where is he now?

He's in the car.

If he is not gone, ten
cubits from this door,

do you know this man?

Ooh, I just gotta check on my

blood clot and tripe
pizza I ordered.

It is he.

What has he done to thee?

I know not.

Some torture that my brain
doth conceal from me.

Nor may I speak his name.

This much I do know...

Be he man or monster,
demon or saint,

his heart doth hunger
for the death of me.

She is beset.

Nay, nay, 'tis more.

This is a well too deep
for any here to plumb.

She has forgotten some foul
sorcery this man has wrought.

Now you must flee.

I'll take her to the tavern.

The inns are--
[Crow imitates Meg's voice]

The head that burned
tonight was Scroops'.

Smolkin here will hide
thee in the woods.

Swift, now, and warm
her till the dawn.

Come, I have to go look
for you at the prison.

So, is Helene a hag, hag?

I uh, brought
the pickup around.

Gaddup.

Quickly, away, towards
vague and confusing.

What is this?

This talisman contains the hour?

Keeps it prisoner.

Look.

It's called a knockoff.

Can you do this?

Thou have stretched
the very night.

Turned backward time
with thine own hand.

- I'm an imp!
- Thou art master of it.

Okay, Billy, great.

Why don't you bring
down the imping, like,

to a five or so?

You kids with your youth
and your height, run along.

Imp.

A bit of holy water

helps to chop unholy skulls.

[metal grinds]
She's gonna shave her legs.

[knocking at door]
By now that axe

might make a nick in a banana.

- Floor straw delivery!
- Who's there?

A friend of Helene.

Do you come
from present time?

From past, or epics yet to come?

From the future.

I've come to show you
the miracle of mylar.

Okay, just don't try
to sell me encyclopedias.

A role that by all rights
should've gone to
Nancy Walker.

You keep odd company.
[cat yowls]

Anyway, I'm collecting
for the Knights of Columbus,

and uh...
[Quintus laughs]

She's a cat, and to think
I'd never believed in witches.

Nor I, in men who stroll
about the rooms of time.

Well said, mother.

Well said, father.

Are Diana...

Helene, and her
friend in the back?

They've gone, I've
sent them far to hide.

To keep that child from
those eager eyes of thine.

Eyes of thine!

Here, drink,
the night is long.

What is the color of a
heart that can, at will,

send back an innocent
girl from future life

to die a grisly death
for the second time?

- A lotum?
- Be calm, old woman.

At dawn she will live and
die, no matter what we may do.

I do not like riddles.

Tell what you mean,
and speak clearly.

I think like
your grandma, Mike.

The mouse! Tis she!

[Quintus laughs]
See, they got witches.

You see one witch, count 10.

You have caught her.

Raise the cup and
I'll make mashed

were-mouse for my brew.

- Hold on.
- I want stuffing.

You can't use that big
hatchet on something so puny.

She can't get out.

Perhaps she can't.
[laughs]

Okay, great.
Now try it out of
your head voice.

Smart to have her caged.

Welcome, Livia!

I see you are in thy cups.

Mom, Mom, Mom, Timmy
took my Big Wheel.

Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom!
[sobs]

♪ Sprat could eat no fat,
his wife could eat no lean

Oh, give it a rest!

♪ And though it
was the two of them

♪ They licked the coffin clean

That'll always
be our song, honey.

I must know of your
part in her death.

Well, I killed her. Um...

I transported the
mental being of a girl

from the 20th century back,

through her memory,
to the physical being

that she was at this time.

- Uh uh, uh uh.
- Yeah...

She was condemned, but
her mind of the future

gave her a way to escape.

Oh, now I don't get it!

This means that
Diana from my time

changed something
that had happened

centuries before she was born.

It means you've been dipping
into your own prescriptions.

All that happens in the past

affects all that
happens in the future.

'Tis madness, speak on!

Looking back from my time...

I can see my house.

Helene is already
dead by that axe.

But now she is
free, unnaturally.

If she dies at dawn,
her stream flows on.

- Ee you!
- And she will live

all her future lives.

But if she escapes, she will
live a full lifetime now,

and then die forever.

Oh! Now, who's Helene?

Diana Love, and all the lives

Helene would've lived will end.

Either that, or I'm wrong.

That is, they will
never be born at all.

Bottom line, can
we kill the imp?

Please.

They should get an
imp door for this guy.

[Servo imitates engine revving]

So, you are right.

Life is her death,
and death is her life.

Excuse me, your
name is coming off.

Horrible, horrible choice!

It's a choice
only she can make.

She is too young and innocent

to make so cruel a decision.

You are the beast who
has caused it all.

- Uh, excuse me...
- You must make the choice.

- Say, excuse me, hello?
- I can do nothing, now.

Hi, I'm looking for a Tuffet?

You want me to
end the trance.

That would save Helene, true.

- Spider auto-eroticism!
- At dawn, Diana would die.

And disappear completely
from the earth.

You digging this?

I am not a cruel man, but
I can't help being fascinated.

I am a smug man.

Whichever way it goes,

I'll have known the most
intriguing drama of my life.

Well that should've
been the movie!

And frankly,
I don't much care

which course she takes.

[dramatic music]

No, please, stop.

Like nobody notices a
giant midget on the floor.

[everyone shouts]

This is more revolting
than it is dangerous.

Apply imp to infected area.

He's got the strength
of a dozen imps.

[imp yells]
[Servo imitates Three Stooges]

Oh, God, imp batch.

Quickly, to the wood
where Smolkin hides.

And after her lady's
greatly choice.

Should we haul the imp
out to the curb, or...

[cat meows]

Flying veal cutlet, ew.

♪ Three blind mice

♪ Hickory, dickory dock

Oh, forget it, I've lost it.

Digger, come by us, honey,

don't go too far.

Kill him before
he sings again!

Leave me alone, you booger.

The world's quietest fight.

'Tis good Meg Maud,
the mother of the toads.

Well you have
one litter of toads,

and people won't drop it!

Here comes Friar
Tuck's medicated pads.

Pray, keep him from me.
[cat meows]

Sam!

Ah, ooh, sorry, wrong spot.

Keep thy place, malignancy.

Stand back and draw thy claws.

Malignancy.

I smell eight
quarts of human blood

that will soon enrich
the grasses here.

Ha ha ha.

Oh, we have exalted company.

- Plot's totally crashing.
- Quintus, come sit by me

and view the masque
from a higher place.

Thou art the altar of the piece,

and Satan is the critic.

Bill Diehl?

Come, lest the
players chafing to start.

Go, coward, leave
the play to us.

Noel Coward?

Mysteries twirl about my
head but tell me nothing.

And yet I feel I am
the cause of it all.

Nay, not the cause, Helene.

The victim.

All right, but
who's the witch?

If there be someone here
with vital speech to tell,

let them give tongue.

Whoa.

- Or scourge who is cave.
- I shall give tongue,

Pendragon, hear me out.

And check the fury
that must rise in thee

till I have finished.

Yeah, Corman's
a good director.

Uh huh.

[Mystery Science Theater
3000 theme music]

You were entranced,

this is your choice.

Death now, life after.

Life now, death ever after.

Nay, nay, it cannot be!

- Meg looks like Tom Clavin.
- Why must I die?

I'll not, I say, I'll not!

Heed not, we'll
find a finer life.

Go, meet the axe, you'll
have 100 lives to live.

Quintus and I
do bid thee stay.

- Satan Pan.
- We would observe

the future bend, and split,

and change with gay confusion.

- Yeah.
- Would it were I,

this dismal time brings
only wheel and woe

to Smolkin and his
poor, enchanted ills.

But you're a happy guy!

- Who is Diana?
- I don't know!

What form of woman is she?

- Base and devoid of virtue,
- Amongst her weaponry...

a wanton woman
of the streets.

Pray die, Helene.

Awake and be a wretched trollop.

Me thinks it would be better

to escape this age of misery.

Helene, stay with me.

- Take the axe.
- Take the death!

- Life!
- Take the death!

- No, choose the curtain.
- And live.

- No, the sun runs out.
- Death, come on!

- Stay, Helene!
- Go.

Stay!
[group laughs]

Stop the movie!

Pass, next category.

Tear me no more.

My brain has not the strength
to weigh so many wills.

I have a brain the
size of a chickpea.

From this madness I've
come to understand one thing.

This makes no sense.

If I die at my
appointed time this dawn,

Stay!

then I shall
live again and again

throughout uncounted ages.

- Wow.
- Stay!

But if I live this lifetime now,

those future lives can never be.

- And here...
- I swallowed a bug.

I'll have my
beloved Pendragon,

whom I love with all my being.

You big galloot.

I must have help.

But it can come
from none of thee.

I've never known
more about what isn't

going on in a movie.

Dozens more beyond
that veil of death.

What I'm saying is...
[speaks gibberish]

Ye shall be the
judges of my destiny.

I have a suggestion. Stay!

Bring them to me.

What do you want?
I kinda lost it, there.

Satan, hold my gauntlet.

Jeeves and Satan.

Here, let me handle this.
Stay!

[eerie music]

You'll notice there's
nothing up my jerkin.

Oh, he's got long nails, ugh.

And the body of...

I am Apolytus, give me life.

Only I don't know-it-us.

I am a mother, give me life.

I am a co-ed at a
small, midwestern college.

Give me life.

I'm Mayer Ed
Koch, how am I doing?

Give me life.

I'm Dan Murry,
welcome to Las Vegas.

I am Diana.

The wasted years of
my past are done.

I'm Dennis James.

Veterans, you can not be
turned down for this policy.

That fills your
heart has cleansed mine.

I beg you, don't murder me
and all the others you heard.

Please, I'll let
you wear my sweater.

I got better things
than you coming up.

We'll make our last
kiss as tepid as our first.

- Duh.
- Farewell, my darling.

- Helene, wait!
- Stay, do not follow her.

They didn't tell
her where to go.

- Smolkin!
- Hogan!

People didn't know how to
fight back then, do they?

Winona, in The Crucible.

Would you care to
make a wager, friend?

The sun against the axe.

That's the seven.

- Helene, wait!
- No, no, I'm not waiting.

No.

Cease the chase, Pendragon.

Let what's ended end,
she knows her way.

Oh, I'll give thee all the
love thy heart can stand.

Love.

That putrid love is
what murdered her!

Die!

Thank God she's got
her Mithril Long Line bra.

So our hero just
stabs an unarmed woman,

- bravo Pendragon.
- Nice guy.

She turned into a
slightly overdone pot roast.

Ah, John
Goodman's first role.

[crowd mutters]

Stay!
[group laughs]

This is one
tough spelling bee.

[crowd laughs]

Kill me, fine,
but do I have to

look at your hairy torso?

Medieval Gallagher, I guess.

Nothing but net!
[woman screams]

[crowd groans]
Well what did they expect?

Jeez.

The smelliest
time in history,

and they all wear stockings.

[woman screams]

Hey, I'm number 68, I'm next.

[crowd laughs]

That's my daughter up there.

This makes you understand

why there's a gender
gap, you know?

Hey, buddy.

Stay!

There, they did it again!

I'm ready for my
execution, Mister DeMille.

♪ Sunrise, you
better take care

- Damn you, Mike.
- Damn you, Mike.

[Mike laughs]

Well, it's your choice,

beheading or
laundering my tights.

Put a bra on, sir.

Is that an actual
gnome in front?

Yeah!

Oh, can I get a bar rag
to wipe this thing off?

Is that Susan down there?
She's a witch too, huh?

Eh, this guy's too big,

I can't do anything.

♪ On tary, ary, ary-o

Oh, I had a horrible
dream I wasn't a hooker.

Hello?

Well, I think we've made
a lot of progress this week.

Should I just schedule
next week then, or...

If only Buddy knew
how much it hurt me.

Diana.

I was on time, wasn't I?

So I'm gonna
take a long lunch.

Can you ever forgive us?

Forgive you?

Of course I can, both of you.

Except for you.

Living as Helene
was a nightmare,

and yet somehow through
the horror of it all

I felt warm and human.

And all tickly.

She gave up so much for me.

It's as though she left
me a whole new life,

fresh and clean.

So I'm gonna be the
best hooker I can be.

That's why I can forgive you,

and why I can't hate Quintus.

I can't hate him, either.

What am I saying,
of course I can!

I'm too filled with horror.

It's coming out
through his pores.

All I have left is pity.

He found out that,

♪ If you lose, the devil
will take your soul

Okay, thank you.

You gonna eat that?

'Tis finished, eh magician?

- You wanna get a towsky?
- All but my journey home.

Oh?

Did you mean to travel back?

'Cause we could
rideshare, you know.

Alas, I bear ill tidings.

Todd says hi.

Thy voyage to this age
was down a long, long road.

Route 666.
[laughs]

To tie Diana to Helene.

It was a road from living
mind to living mind.

To sleeping audience.

One person.

But now Helene is dead.

Her mind shut off, and quit.

No longer is there any
road for thee to take.

You've got a Denver
boot on your soul.

[Satan laughs]

You're stuck here.

I fear the joke's on
thee, my brilliant friend.

Whew, this guy
is like Satan...

- Here you are fixed.
- From hell!

You'll live a local
life, what comfort,

sport and joy thou may.

♪ Oh tidings of
comfort, sport and joy

Thy pretty years are done.

I'll come a calling on thee...

I hope you're not
going to be with anyone.

Fare thee well.

Perhaps we can have brunch.

Outdone by Bob Fosse
in a Peter Pan hat.

Brought to you
by your gas company.

Remember to have
your furnace checked.

I thought this movie
was supposed to be

about an old woman
and her driver?

It's the not even better
than killing yourself

movie of the summer.

Stay!

[gates clang]

[chains rattle]

[gates clang]

[Crow laughs]

Hey, Crow, how's
the imping going?

Oh, fairly successfully,
I think, and you?

Uh, pretty goo...

Hello Mike, imp.

- Hi, I'm an imp.
- Hi, Servo.

Hey Mike, did you
know that Leonard Maltin

gave The Undead three stars?

- Huh, did you know that?
Did you? Did you?
- No, no.

Actually I didn't know that.

Oh, that's too bad.

Hey, do me a favor,
grab the stuff

from under the desk, will you?

Well there's a beard down
there, and some glasses,

and just slap
those on, will you?

- Put 'em on? Oh, okay.
- You're doing me a big favor.

Don't really
understand, but sure.

There we go, that's it.

Now the glasses, that's it.

Now you're Leonard Maltin, see?

Oh yeah.

Now read the script
under there, will you?

- Oh, sure.
- I'm an imp!

Read it like you mean it.

Do the voice, too.

Oh, okay.

Uh, "I, Leonard
Maltin," is that okay?

"Do hereby
acknowledge that I was

"completely out of
my mind in awarding

"three stars to the Roger
Corman film The Undead."

Good, good, that's fine.

What the hell were you thinking?
You stupid, bearded man!

I'm an imp!

"My opinion bears
no merit whatsoever,

"and I promise a full
and complete refund

"to all who have purchased
my horribly wayward,

"and grossly innacurate
video guide."

Yes, yes, yes.

"I renounce myself
and all I stand for."

Yes, yes, that's it, go
on, go on, go on, go on!

"I have been to
the proletariat areas,

"and I've consorted
with the prostitutes."

Now that seems a little
below the belt, there.

Thank you, Mike.
Thank you, I just needed it.

If you could just
hold me, please.

[Servo sobs]
Absolutely.

I'm an imp!

[yawns]

Ah.

Sandwich, heh, heh.

[sniffs]

Oh, lovely, I'll just,

eat the rye, and...

Yes, leafy, oh...
[sniffs]

Love that.

♪ When the swallows

♪ Come back to Capistrano

♪ That's when I'll
come back to you

Oh!

One snappy tomato.

[imitates punch]
[laughs]

It was a good campaign.

♪ When the swallows

♪ Come back to Capistrano

♪ That's when I'll

♪ Come back

♪ To you

Ah!

Got plenty of room
for mayonnaise.

[laughs]

Mayonnaise!
[laughs]

That's such a clever one.

Hair in there.

Every single time.

Sandwich in the middle of...

Oh, what am I doing, here?

There we go.

Ah, yeah.

Okay, aha.

Mmm.

A little mayonnaise
on this sandwich.

Oh, ah...

Something...

Mmm, yes.

Oh, nice, nice, nice.

Very nice.

Ah, fresh.

Nice and fresh.

[utensils scrape]

♪ When the swallows
come back to Capistrano

♪ That's when I'll

♪ Come back to you

[Observer yells]

[Observer yells]

Ah, ah, ah.

♪ Come back to Capistrano

Oh, why not, ha ha.

This is my time.

Mmmm.
[smacks lips]

[Observer yells]

[Observer yells]

[Observer yells]

[Observer yells in staccato]

[Observer yells]
Ah! Oh!

Oh, that's...

Sorry!

Trying to get it all...

Tomato...

Oh, my, so sorry...

[stutters]

Oh, great.

There.

Get this...

No problem!

This...

Sticking very well.

Taping...

I learned my lesson.

Aha, yes.

Good as new!

Sorry.

[yells]

Shh.

[synthesizer music]

[eerie music]