Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 8, Episode 6 - Laserblast - full transcript

-♪ In the not-too-distant
future ♪

♪ Way down in Deep 13

♪ The evil Dr. Forrester

♪ Was hatching
a nasty scheme ♪

♪ He hired a temp
by the name of Mike ♪

♪ Just a regular Joe
he didn't like ♪

♪ His experiment needed
a good test case ♪

♪ So he conked him
on the noggin ♪

♪ And he shot him into space

-Here we go!

-♪ I'll send him cheesy movies

♪ The worst I can find
-♪ La, la, la

-♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all ♪

♪ And I'll monitor his mind

♪ Now, keep in mind,
Mike can't control ♪

♪ When the movies
begin or end ♪

♪ He'll try to keep his sanity

♪ With the help
of his robot friends ♪

-Robot roll call.

Cambot.

Gypsy.

Tom Servo.
-Hello, there.

-Cro-o-o-o-w.

-♪ If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes ♪

♪ And other science facts
-♪ La, la, la

-♪ Just repeat to yourself,
"It's just a show" ♪

♪ "I should really
just relax" ♪

-Did I tell you
my mother is here?

-♪ For "Mystery Science
Theater 3000" ♪

[Clang! Squeak! ]

[Beeping]

[Whirring]

[Slam!]

[Squeak!]

-[Muffled screaming]

-Hello, there.
Welcome to the SOL,

the Satellite of Laughs,
as we like to call it.

-We've tied up Mike and jammed
an oily rag into his mouth

so that we may bring you
the following joke.

-You see? If you live long
enough, eventually,

someone is going to say the word"Thunderdome" in your presence.

-That's right, and I'm guessing
most of you

aren't equipped
with a snappy comeback.

Well, we're gonna
give you one.

-We'll act it out for you.

Boy, I still think
we really screwed up on

that whole Thunderdome fiasco.

-Oh, come on. Can't we just get
beyond Thunderdome?

-[Grunting]

-Thank you.
-Thank you. Thank you.

Now, as you can see,

your stooge can't mention
the movie "Beyond Thunderdome"

because that just ruins
the whole joke.

You'll just have to wait until
someone mentions a Thunderdome,

not the specific one
in "Beyond Thunderdome."

-I'm sorry, so sorry.
-Also, it really helps

if your stooge speaks
of a Thunderdome

in a disparaging manner,
as in our little playlet.

It'll still work if he speaks
of a Thunderdome

in a positive light,
but if I were you,

I'd wait until somebody
slams a Thunderdome.

-Now, let's move on
to the rangoon version

of this classic joke.

-Ah, yes.
-[Grunts]

♪♪

-[Laughing]

-Yeah, real funny.
You guys finished yet?

-Oh, sure.
-Yeah, why?

-Well, usually your little
riffs tend to go on and on,

maybe a little...

-Oh, please, Mike,
can't we get beyond the riff?

-Oh! That's it.
Go to your room, both of you.

-Huh?
-Hey, who hit that?

-Hey.
-What's going on?

-What?

Oh, are you still there?
Oh, that's right.

I forgot to disconnect
the Umbilicus.

Look out, Mother.

[Indistinct conversations]

-Huh?
-Cut the Umb-- Why?

-You can't disconnect
the Umbilicus.

-We'll die.

-Oh, nonsense.

You'll be pulled into
Earth's gravitational field.

Your orbit will decay.
The hull will rupture.

You'll burn to a crisp,
and then you'll die.

-What?
You -- you can't do that.

We've done everything
you've ever asked.

We watched every bad movie
you sent up here.

-Yeah.

-Sorry. Bye-bye.

-You said you'd let us
get back to Earth.

-Did I say that?

Hmm.
Well, maybe I did.

What do you want?
I'm evil.

-Well, this is kind of sudden.

-Look, I'm really very sorry.

My hands are tied.
I got a letter today.

My funding has been cut,

and you guys just aren't
cutting the mustard, so...

-Well, I'm gonna make
another trip over.

I think I found Frank.

-Oh, no, Mother.
That's Frank's spare head.

Why don't we just
put that in storage?

-Got it.
-[Sighs]

-I'm moving back in with Mom
to save some scratch.

At least her building
has a pool.

I'm sorry.
What was the problem?

-How can you do this to us?
-Ah, criminy, I got an idea.

-What are we supposed
to do now?

-I don't know.
Do what you always do!

Look, I've got to fill out
these change-of-address cards.

-Well, I'm gonna take
another load over.

Back in a few.

Boy, I'm glad I never
got rid of the big rig.

-Anyway, guys, your orbit will
begin to decay

in about two hours,

so I've downloaded a filmfrom the ship's internal memory.

It's called "Laserblast,"

and Leonard Maltin
gives it 2 1/2 stars.

[Whirring]

-Now what?

-Thruster engines firing.

We now have impulse power.

-Well, how did you do that?
-I took the governor off.

-We have helm, Captain.

-Now entering
Earth's atmosphere.

Hull temperature -- critical.

-Do we have enough power
to escape the atmosphere?

-We won't have control.
We'll be shot into deep space.

I got to have more time.
-We don't have that time.

Get ready to engage
warp engines, Mr. Crow.

-Aye, aye.

-Engage.

[Alarm buzzing]

-Oh, we got movie sign!
-Movie sign!

-I didn't engage
the thing with you.

-Look at this,
a Vamuel Goldwyn production.

-Hmm.

-I had an infection
of the yablans one time.

-Ah, the Charlie Daniels Band
is now the Charles Band.

-If you ever go down
to the Woolly Swamp...

-Terrible name
for laser-eye surgery,

scares away the customers.

-Come on down to Milford,
free popsicles for the kids.

-So what?

They just got people from data
entry to be in this movie?

-Gianni Russo, I remember
her from...maybe not.

-The Keenan Wynn
comes blowing in.

-♪ You are the Wynn
beneath my Keenan ♪

-Oh, isn't he the guy who...
eh.

-No.
-No, he's not.

-♪ Barry Cutler

♪ Ron Masak

-Brother of Bob Mikenko.

-Ah, so you know
it won't be funny.

-Heir to the
Arnold Stang fortune.

-As Dr. Casaba Mellon.

Brother of Neill Stevenko.

-Bro.

-I saw a woolman drinking
a piña colada at Trader Vic's.

-Wow, Roddy McDowall
andDave Allen!

-No reason for them
to tell me all this.

I'm no good at names.

-Whoa, is he an American band?

I hope he comes to our town
and helps us party it down.

-These credits give youa chance to finish your popcorn,

talk a little,
decide to see another movie.

-The music has a decidedly
Hawkwind feel to it.

-I think it's more like a,
sort of, a Mike Oldfield,

McKendree Spring, Rick Wakeman,
Jean-Michel Jarre,

Keith Emerson,
Gentle Giant,

Tomita, Autobahn, Kraftwerk,
Synergy sort of thing.

-I certainly hope we see
those credits

at the end of the movie, too.

-And action.
Cut.

Beautiful.

-These planes were once filled
with wild broccoli like this.

-Hmm.

-"Fievel Goes West."

-It looks like Trent Reznor
ran out of gas, poor guy.

-It was after the Acropolis.

-Roxy!

-Somebody, please pull this
garbage disposal off my arm.

-Agh! Robert Smith is in
a good mood today.

-"Edward CD-Player Hand."

-Boy, the Hulk has lost weight.

-Remember when he
was over there?

That was a good part
of the movie.

-Man, if I can just get
some butter

to slip in there,
try to slide this thing off.

-Well, back to whatever
I was doing.

-Hmm?

-Norelco's plan
for world domination.

-Even its name spells
Merry Christmas.

-I'm hunting space-cwaft,
ha-ha-ha.

-We wish to welcome you
to Denver's Airport.

-Hmm?

-Oh, great.

ET calls, we come,
and he's not here.

-Hey, Yertle, you left
your shell in the ship.

-[Squeaks]

-Hey, hey,
WALL-E, come out here.

Help me find Roswell.

-[Squeaks]

-Hey, got my shirt
all stretched out.

-[Squeaks]

-I told you to ask directions
at the Gorlon Station

at Zing Ding 5, but no!

You bladzened ahead of that guy
on Bartuo!

-If I could just
pass this football.

-Stop reading my thoughts.
Are you reading my thoughts?

-Look out!
It's Gino Vannelli!

-Tonight, on a very special
"Virginian"...

-Good shooting, Zanthar.
-Thanks, Denise.

-Ah, "Christina's World 3001."

-Help me, Spock.
Spock!

-I know what you're thinking.

Did I fire six gorlocks
or only five?

-Okay, Crow.
That's -- that's enough.

[Whirring]

-[Gasps]
The key to the Amoco bathroom.

-Am I good, huh?
Who's the king? Ha ha ha!

-[Squeaks]

-Look out. ET.

[Airplane engine roaring]

-Boy, I love airplanes.
Is that a Cessna?

-No, I think it was Piper.

Ah, let's get out of here.

-Huh, might have used a little
too much buckshot here,

ruined the meat.
[Clicks tongue]

-♪ Closer shave, cleaner shave,
smoother all the way ♪

-Help! A giant bong
is attacking me, oh!

-Mike, this is how I've always
pictured your room.

Am I far off?
-Well...

-Well, off to
weight-loss clinic.

-Get them off me!
Get them off!

Oh, it's just my sheets, hmm.

-Somehow, his mustardy
shorts don't help.

-These are relatively clean,
I guess.

-Ojai.
Crap, I'm still in Ojai.

-Randy Johnson?
Oh, it's her.

-So here's my SlimFast,
Metrecal, Correctol.

-Excuse me, are you my mother?

-Here is her food supply
for the month

in that train case right there.

-Flesh is a nice color
for a house.

-Ooh.

-Shaun Cassidy in
"Walking Tall."

-Where you headed, tubbo?

Stay and have a Quisp
with me at the junkie table.

-Aah!
-Aah!

-She's one of
the turtle aliens.

-I'm sorry I called you fat.

-Come on, let's pop amyls
and watch "Days."

-Man, if those pants blow,

it's gonna be like
a piano exploding.

-I've got this invitation
to go to Acapulco.

-Well, that bounced
off his head.

-[Chuckles]
It's just too good to miss.

-Hmm, got
your James Spader lessons.

-Well, my chemical peel
is starting to hurt.

I'd better get going.
-What do you want?

-Mommy, you've been
to Acapulco.

How many times you want
to go to Acapulco?

-Until they stop asking me,
sweetheart.

-And until I stop killing men
with my hip bones.

-Oh, I hate you.

-There's a box of Weetabix.
That should last you the month.

-I'm gonna go untie the Nazi
helmet from the roof.

-Is this
Underall aversion therapy?

-We can actually see
her lose weight.

-Huh?

Ah, now onto movie three.

-Hey, "Kung Fu" got a van.

-Another slice of your life
here, Mike, huh?

Just you, a ribbon of highway,
your Dixie Dregs tapes?

-♪ I'm a friendly stranger
in the black Sedan ♪

-He's so happy. His dingle-ball
shipment came in.

Billy Preston takes a solo.

-Wow, "'70s Gold"
was a great buy,

a lot of good stuff on here.

-I'll warrant that van
is still on the road.

-Hi, Gary.
Hi, Jason.

Hey, Scotty, woo!

-Ah, downtown Hugo.

-Well, I'm pretty sure
this is the long version

of whatever
the heck song this is.

-We're gonna go around the
block until the song is over.

-This guy killed himself whenthe Edgar Winter Group broke up.

-This guy has put more
rolled-up towels

under more doors...

-Man, this is one of the most
innovative synth players

I know of.
-Mm-hmm, yep.

It's a sunny day, got a pleasantbuzz going, eh, Mike?

Huh, huh?
-Yeah.

-I got to stop and listen
to this part.

It's so cool.

-Hey, his van has got
a poop catcher on the back.

-Wow, and you thought
Willie Aames was hot.

-Yeah, I did.

-Geez, this stupid Realtor job.

I'm sure I got to wear a shirt
just to show a dumb house.

-Hey, Spicer,
I'm here for the dope.

-Who goes?
-It's me, Billy.

-He woke up Ram Dass.
-Password?

-It's me, Colonel,
Billy Duncan.

I just want to see Kathy.

-Buy your own paper!

-You get off of these premises.

-Oh, come on, Colonel.
I only want to see Kathy.

-What about?

-I want to see if Electra
tore up her new shoes.

-Well, that's private.

-That's private?

-Yukon Cornelius.
-Hmm.

-What is this stuff
you're pulling on me?

You're just like those guys,
those white-collar guys

down there at Cherry Point.

-Keenan started early today.

-Everything is hush-hush.
-"Sweet Charlotte."

-Operation Sand Dust,
hush-hush.

-"Sweet Charlotte."

-Everybody connected with it,
hush-hush.

-"Sweet Charlotte."
-Everybody except me

because I know something
they didn't know I knew.

No, you get away from that!

-Hey, look, just because that
mine went off in your helmet...

-You bastards are all alike
with your disguises

and your tricks
and your phony ideas!

-And your Hula-Hoops and...

-Colonel, if you
just call Kathy...

-Now, you leave Kathy
out of this!

You leave!
You leave!

-Oh, gee, what's her name?

I just said it, the thing.
-You!

-Ever since the colonel
got back from

the Spanish-American war...
-I know.

I'll seek refuge

in "20 Explosive Hits
By 20 Explosive Stars."

-Operation Sand Dust.

-Grandpa.

-Anna Nicole Smith
and her husband.

-Operation Sand Dust.

-♪ Old black water,
keep on rolling ♪

♪ Mississippi blues, keep on

-Operation...
-Was that Billy?

-Come on, your pork
backs are ready.

-...Sand Dust.
-Grandpa.

-Snap out of it,
you old bastard!

-Grandpa, come on inside.

-Why'd you open all the cans
of soup, Grandpa?

-The Army of the Potomac
has us on the run, sweetie.

-His 8-track is about
to change tracks.

♪ Ka-chung, krrr, ka-chung

-Ahh, yeah.

You do a lot
of wacky tobacky, Mike? Huh?

A lot of Mary Jane, huh?

-Oh, I never...
-Jokey-smoky?

-[Sighs] What do you keep
smoking that stuff for?

-Starsky and Hutch have been
together a little too long.

-It don't cost nothing.
I take it from those kids.

-You keep smoking that,

you gonna get us
thrown off the force.

-Look, are you ready
for some football?

-You ever notice
how Haile Selassie is God?

-Now you're getting
horny, great.

-Hey, that feels good.

-Ah, give me a puff.

[Police radio chatter]

-Then I got to go homeand get ready for some football.

-Yo, now that I think of it,

"Sister Mary Elephant"
is really funny.

-They targeted this movie
to lonely bass fishermen.

-In other words, bass fishermen.-Bass fishermen, yeah.

-Who was that?

-I think it's that Bill Duncan.

-Bill Duncan kid, huh?

-Yeah.
-Well, let's go get him.

-Let's find out if he's ready
for some football.

[Tires screech]

-Ah, the famous squealing tires
on a dirt road.

-You idiot!

-I'm a dumb, scrawny cracker.

-They're at least as funny
as Cheech and Chong.

-Hmm, oh, definitely.

-Ron Howard pops the clutch,
signals, checks both ways

and proceeds
gently into traffic,

politely inviting people
to eat his dust.

-He looks like a bush baby.

-[Laughs]

-I'm gonna push it up to 17.

-My heart is in my throat.
Oh, wait.

That's not my heart.
[Coughs]

-Pull over, squeal like a pig.

[Siren wailing]

-Alright.
Force him over.

-And quit scanning me.

-Oh, my horse-knuckle breakfast
almost came up.

-You know, Mike,
it's hard not to make

a "Dukes of Hazzard" comment.

-Yeah.
-Try, honey.

-I will.

♪ Show me the way
to the next whiskey bar ♪

[Wailing continues]

-Suddenly, I long
for a Hal Needham film.

♪♪

-Yeah.
What do we got?

Another citizen who isn't ready
for some football.

Tkshoo! Tkshoo!
Tkshoo! Tkshoo!

-Nice hinder.

-Wow, that's not
very good detail painting.

-Never learn, do you, boy?

-Hey, can't you let me
go just this once?

I'm gonna blow my insurance.
I'm already paying double.

-Well, that's all right.

Your mama has got enough money.

-Kind of heavy-set, though,
ain't she?

-By the way,
how's your mama these days?

-I think
I resent your attitude.

-Never mind.

Just give me the ticket,
Officer Ungar.

-Sign there, boy.
I'll make you a star.

-Ah, eat me,
you fuzzy marshmallow.

-Hey, you know cursive.

-Your ticket for going 20
in a 30.

-Well, if you'll excuse me,

there's a bag of Mama Burgers
waiting for me.

[Engine starts]

-Oh, man.
It's uphill to the car.

I don't know if I can make it.

-Put your entire head
in his belly button.

-Do we get him again, Pete?

-[Sighs] No. Too damn hot.

-Anyway, all my rowdy friends
are coming over later.

-♪ Huh ahhhhh

-Dirty and hairy.

When you first saw this,

you laughed so hard
you spilled your bong water,

didn't you, Mike?

-Callahan, no!

-Oh, those lovable
Southern California crackers.

-Hi, I'm Max Keller.

-You should rub salt on those
leeches on the side of his van.

-Well, I better stock up
on Ollie Joe Prater

and Jerry Clower tapes.

-He's gonna get
a new baseball cap

with a fake dog turd on it.

[Bell dinging]

-Hey, it's that gas station

that Frank Lloyd Wright
didn't design.

-Wow, if there was ignorant
talk radio in the '70s,

I sure would agree with it.

-Are those boot-cut jeans
for Moon Boots?

Karen Carpenter's phone booth.

-Okay, I'll give you your Coke.
Stop hitting me.

-I'm gonna drink the hell
out of this Coke.

-Coca-Cola is gonna need
a PR campaign

just to undo the damage
this scene is doing.

-Oh, man.

Leif Garrett did more harm
than he'll ever know.

-Well, Merry Christmas,
everybody.

[Rock music playing]

[Horn honking]

-Hey, you wouldn't believe what
just happened at Dealey Plaza!

-Wow, he teases
the gas pumps mercilessly.

-Well, let's recap
the movie so far.

Somebody went to Acapulco,
and somebody almost bought gas.

-Just when I was considering
not committing suicide,

it was finally coming
together for me.

-The accelerator pedal
is stuck!

Help us!

-Hey, you want to go drive
around gas stations with us?

-You see who's out early
this morning, Froggy?

-I bet he ain't got
a reason, Chuck.

-No, he wouldn't like
that kind of party.

It's a little too rough for him.-He's teasing me.

-I've been up all night,
and I don't feel sleepy.

Froggy, you think our boy here

would like to give us
a little race?

-Billy?
Oh, he never races.

-Who the hell told you that?
I'll show you a race.

-Just let me get in my dad's
electric supply van.

-An inverted world

where the spazzes make fun
of the cool guys.

[Engine sputtering]

-Stephen Stills and Bill Gates.

-Alright!
How much handicap you want?

-Ah, the Sinclair Station
is open.

They got an air hose.

-Makes me glad
rural America is dying.

-[Chuckles]

-Wipeout.

[Clang! Squeak! ]

[Beeping]

[Whirring]

[Slam!]

[Squeak!]

-Oh, get away from me,
you little creep.

-I will not get away.

I have been sent here
to destroy imperfections.

I find you, the gold unit,
to be imperfect.

-Yeah, well, smooch my tiny,
imperfect, little...

-Well, hey, loser.
What it is?

-Ah, got one of these Nomad
satellites on my butt.

It seems you can't go hurtling
into the void of space

without picking up one of these
annoying little busybodies.

-You are in error.
I am not Nomad.

I am a similar design
known as Monad.

-Monad?

-I should destroy you, but I'llgive you a mulligan on that one.

-Oh, well...
-What? What?

Did you say something imperfect?-No, no.

I'm sorry.
Go on with your story.

-Stop it!
-Huh?

-Cut it out!
Look, if you're going to say

something imperfect,
say it to the group.

-Oh, no.

It's just that I was telling
these guys, you know,

we're having a little party
on Thursday night,

a little pop and pizza, wonderedif you'd like to join us.

-Sure.
That sounds great.

-Ha, the party is
on Friday night!

Imperfect! That means you're
wrong and imperfect,

and you have
to destroy yourself.

-You told me a fib.That doesn't mean I'm imperfect.

-Does too.
-Yeah, it does.

-Does not!
-Does too.

If you were perfect,

you would have known
he was telling a fib.

-Look, I'm not going to get
into this with you clowns.

You're imperfect, and I'm justgoing to destroy the lot of you.

-Yeah.
Well, whatever.

-Ah, I'm so scared.

-Come on.
Give me your worst.

Come on, you big dumb can.
Come on. Do it.

Do it.
-Oh, come on.

Let's get you out...
Get out of here.

-Go to space, you dumb robot.

[All talking at once]

-Stupid thing.
-We'll be right back.

-Ah, fun.

-[Laughs]
-Boy.

-♪ Lady, when I'm with you,
I'm smiling ♪

-Okay, thanks.

-♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh

-Good thing
my Frost & Tip took.

-Pepsi gave him big bucks
to place Coke in this movie.

-The Navajos get
all the good land.

-Lyle Swann's motorcycle
from "Timerider."

-What?

-I'll just pull up here so that
I can find this thing,

and then we can get
the movie going.

-I really am just dust
in the wind, man.

They are so right.

-Yeah. On his day off
from pizza delivery,

he sure knows how to live life.

-I'd like to call my horse
with no name,

but it doesn't have a name.

-Good God, he's out of Coke.

-Ah, Billy,
go to expression "B."

-"Funky Winkerbean."

-This is just like
the beginning of the film

where it may
or may not have been my dream.

-Aw, where's its mom?

-Wow, Albert Belle
did cork his bat.

-Ah, this is so great.

I needed Hooker headers bad.

-♪ Doo dun dun

-Think of all the dope
I can smoke with this.

-Man, to think I was depressed
when "Battlestar Galactica"

got canceled.

-Can't we just visit
Mom in Acapulco?

-♪ Doo dun dun

Sorry.

Does he always waltz around whenhe finds old Thorens tonearms?

-Hope he's pointing it
at his heart.

-♪ Da da

Someone threw away a perfectly
good arm remover.

-[Laughs]

-♪ Da da da da

A Daisy Red Ryder
repeating rifle!

Thanks, Dad.

-Now let's go find
some ptarmigan.

-Pa-pa-pow.

-After all that,
it's pa-pa-pow.

-Once you're over the age
of 11, you should not say pow.

-Pow-pow.
-Please, stop.

Come on.
-Oh, don't.

Please.
No, no.

-I think he's doing
"Frampton Comes Alive!"

-That's even worse.

-So it's a thing
that makes you waltz?

-I guess.

-Won't he be surprised
when he finds out

it doesn't go pow but swish?

-Oh, he found it.

Now he has carte blanch
of the Amoco men's room.

-[Screeches]

-Hopefully, that thing has
a shirt-buttoning attachment.

-Pow?

Do the apes know they're filmingin the forbidden zone?

-Aha.

One of Mr. T's
understated pieces.

-You know, those apes
who stack boxes to get

to the bananas figure things outa lot faster than this.

Yeah, I think you are gonna
detail my van for $75.

-Huh, what's that?

You want me to go to gym class?
I don't think so.

I think I'll have that leather
vest, my friend.

-Mm-hmm.

By the way, we seem to be
involved in laserblasting now.

-Right.

-Moses!

-Yes, Yahweh in a can.

If you want to summon Yahweh...

-Uh, you might want
to calibrate your iron sights,

kind of pulling
to the right there.

♪♪

-That's okay,

just a 2,000-year-old saguaro,
don't worry about it.

♪♪

-[Screeching]

[Hocking loogies]

-It's Georgia O'Keeffe's
massive limousine.

-Your film crew,
ladies and gentlemen.

-You want a Dick Butkus mug,

a little orange ball
for your aerial?

Hello?

-The Bill Bixby line
of David Byrne clothing.

-Excuse me, I just got crabs
from your toilet.

-Oh, look at all the 8-tracks,
Ferrante & Teicher,

Captain & Tennille.

-Warren, I...Oh, it's you.

-What do I owe you?

-Uh, that'll be, uh...

-Oh, let's see, uh, 5 bucks for
the butt nudge and...

-Uh, sorry.
I didn't hear you coming.

That'll be $11.15 with the oil.

-Here's my Merle Haggard Visa.
I assume you take that.

-Oh, my new "Club" magazine.

I should wait until
I get to the hotel, but...

-Thank you, Mr. Craig.

-I threw in a nudie calendar
for free.

-How far is it
to the nearest hotel?

-You stopping here?

-I could be persuaded.

-You don't like this
town, buddy?

-Oh, sure, sure.

Just a few blocks to the end
of town there's a motel.

-Or there's the Ziffel B&B.
That's nice.

You could go down...Oh, sorry.

-So he just drove off,
and I never saw him again,

the beautiful sweet man
in the Palm Beach suit.

[Sniffling]

Just drove out of my life.

-She's floating!

♪ Get my motor running

♪ Head out on the highway

-[Humming]

Oh, pretty steep grade here!
Whoa!

-I'm in the weeds here.

I know she's there.

Now don't lose her.
Hold on! Don't...

-Ah.
-There she is.

-The air feels nice
when I ride like this.

[Giggling]

-Billy told me he would meet me
at the old creosote dump site.

-The county really provides
good service

at those picnic sites.

Look, a bottle of Beaujolais!
-Billy?

-I'd like to buy
some sweet corn!

-Billy?
-I'd like to buy a Turkish rug?

-Did they need to come
to Angkor Wat

just to have a picnic?

-Well, I might as well pray
to Vaal while I'm here.

[Humming]

-Yep.
-Well.

-Hey, say, "Billy," again.

That'll liven things up.

-Maybe I'll pick up a dozen
sucker minnows while I'm here.

-Oh, well,
he hasn't been cremated.

[Humming]

-Oh, did my parents burn down
the house and move away?

So we're watching someone
waiting for someone.

-Yeah.
Yep.

-Mm-hmm.

-It's the point when it stops
being a movie.

-It's like watching an aquarium.-Yep.

-[Gasps]
This is so something.

-Suddenly that scene out
in the desert

seems taut and well-executed.

-Oh!
-Aah!

-Oh, you keep
this relationship fresh.

-See, now that scene worked
because

you expected a bear to jump out.-Oh, God.

Oh, you're more trouble
than you're worth.

-Am I?
Am I?

-I'll kill you for saying that!

I'll kill you, I tell you!
-Oh! Ow!

There's a folding shovel
in there!

-Well, if you don't look likethe cat who swallowed the cream.

Where have you been all morning?

-Geez, your bra looks like
a pair of sunglasses.

-Not waking people up
at the crack of dawn, I hope.

-Oh, that's where they found
Tony Orlando.

-Crow!
-Can't you be more ordinary?

-More ordinary?

Man, he'd have to work at that.

-Grandpa is so mad right now.

He says he's going
to shoot you on site

next time you set foot
on the property.

-Wow, we have someone
to root for.

-I do believe you're
more ordinary, though.

You wouldn't be my Billy,
would you?

-[Snoring]

-It's so peaceful here.

I wish it was always this way.

-Oh, mm-hmm.
-Just you and me and the sky.

-A dog named Boo.

-Like a cup, a giant, blue cup.
-Yeah.

-Yeah, look, can we
start mashing now?

-We're the dregs, poured out.

-Just what I want to see,
David Soul and Sandra Locke

going at it.

-There's something so dark
in you sometimes.

It just sends shivers
up my spine.

-Like when you crank
"Don't Fear the Reaper."

-Oh, geez.

Nature videos of big spiders
going at it are more appealing.

-Are you crazy?
Do you want to be late?

-For what?
-For Franny's birthday party.

We're all due there about 3:00.

-I don't want to go
to no party.

-Come on.

I'm cooking a pizza
on the engine block.

-Well, Mr. Billy Duncan,
if you don't want to go,

I could always
accept an invitation

by a certain Chuck Boran.

-Over my dead body.
-Yes!

-Yeah!

-Please, please,
please, please.

-What's this?
-I think it's the sterman.

Does that sound right?
-I don't know.

It could be something
bit me when I was...

-When you was what?

-When I was fooling around
in the desert this morning.

-The desert gave you a hickey?

-You better look
something on that.

It looks pretty mean.

-He died.

-Meanwhile, on "Quark"...

-You been to "Quark"?

-Yeah, I loved it.

-I'm thinking of getting
an ass reduction, Ted.

Do you ever
just curse evolution?

[Warbling]

-I heard a store named
Radio Shack is just crap.

-Adjust the cone filter here.

-So this is DSS, huh?

-Howdy-do!

-Hey, read between the lines.

-Your move, sir.
You called us.

-[Squeaking]

-Don't start.

-[Speaking alien language]

-Well, did you?

-[Speaking alien language]

-Oh, please, sir.
We've seen "Laserblast."

-This is how advanced
the aliens are.

They can edit the scene down.

-Well, when the movie starts
showing you parts of itself,

you know you're in trouble.

-Look what the hairy
no-butt is doing, the fool.

-Their puny human butt podsfell off thousands of years ago.

-Oh, thank you, sir.

I think we get the gist of it.

-Uh, is there a point
to your little call, sir?

Sir?

-[Speaking alien language]

-You get out there and sell,
sell, sell!

-It's me.
I admit it.

♪♪

-This beautiful panel
could be yours...

-Now back to Earth.

Same old, same old.

-Ironized coating.

-Oh, no.
It's Michael Landon.

What else could go wrong?

-Good thing my slacks
have memory.

-Englebert Humperdinck on
a very personal journey.

-Huh.

Well, I thought
I was supposed to film

a Tareyton commercial out here.

[Mumbling]

-Did ancient astronauts
make dirt bunnies?

♪ There's a place in France

♪ Where the ladies wear no...

-Another Buddhist monk!

-It's Coleman Francis mountain!

-Well, I've come to where
the flavor is,

but nothing's happening.

-♪ There's a place in France

♪ Where the ladies...

♪ A place in France

♪ Where the ladies...

♪ There's a place in France

I wish it would stay
in one key.

♪ There's a place in France

And I wish they would finish
a phase now and again!

♪ There's a place in France

♪ Where the ladies
wear no pants ♪

Yeah!
Bring it down now.

Talk about that place in France

Where the ladies ain't wearing
no knickers at all

-Hey!
-Well, who wants cake?

-I do!
-Oh, man.

If Pauly Shore is in this...

-Yes, teens love their cake
pool parties.

[Indistinct conversations]

-Ew. That's not really
a good Chippendale outfit.

-They're so excited.

They can barely talk
to each other.

-Look, why don't I slice some,
and you can all come back

in about 10 minutes,
and I'll be ready.

-Scott Baio class!

-Get your red-hot franks here.

-Squish, squish,
squish, squish.

-Oh, mama.

Wouldn't Chuck like to give you
his red-hot frank right now?

-From what I heard, Chuck,
it ain't so hot.

-He's got an affidavit.

-She undercut the subtle nuance
of my wiener joke!

-Aah!
-There.

I think I've taught you not
to rebuff my wiener innuendos.

-You creep!

-Mercifully, the wiener debate
ended peacefully,

but it could have
gone another way.

-She really opened
up the party!

Now it's fun!
Whee!

-Hey, Stoker, Murphy, Gubba.

Whoo!

-Home movies are more tightly
edited than this.

-He's never far
from his trusty van.

-Hi, Billy.

-God, you're fatter than Mom.
-How about a swim?

-In a minute.
I feel kind of lazy right now.

-Oh, thank you for saying that.

That was so sweet.

-Well, at least he dressed up
for the party.

-Should we ask
what the bruises are from?

-Billy, Billy, watch me dive.

Billy, Billy, I'm going
to dive in the pool.

Watch, watch, watch,
watch, watch!

-I'm going home.
The movie isn't fun anymore.

-Hey, I can go under the water
and count to five.

Whee! Hey, Billy!
Billy! Hey, Billy!

Billy!

-I am so baked.

-Yes, it's a Manson
Family reunion.

-Hey, here's something!
-Oh.

Oh, man, those brownies
must be loaded.

-It's Rover from
"The Prisoner." Smaller.

-Now, I myself have never been
a natural frolic.

-No. You don't strike me.

-Come on.
Hey, leave me alone!

I'm not kidding.

-So what, is the alien
hiding at the end of the pool?

Is it gonna...
-I guess...

-Just eat your spare ribs
in the pool. That's fine.

-Bike rack!
Oh, ow.

-I wonder why no one
wants any cake.

-Cindy, you need to get
an eating disorder.

Guys like anorexic girls.

-I'll take a bite.

-Some birthday.

Outside of you, Kathy, I don't
think anyone would have come

if it weren't for the pool.

-Don't be silly, Franny.

You've got lots of friends.

-Yeah, as long as I don't
run out of pools.

-Well, how about
all the gay men who like you?

-Um, I'm gonna go change.

Will you tell Billy
if he gets up?

-Oh, she certainly is
a sparkling hostess.

-Mm-hmm.

-Yes, non-skinny women
are inherently unhappy.

-The leading spokesman
for the dissident army

said it would have
nuclear capabilities.

-Has there been anything
on the news

about the dissident army thing?

-While France, today,
exploded it's 28th atom bomb.

-They tell me cake
is bad for me.

What about radiation?

-You're fun.
-What about it?

Have you seen Kathy?

-She went inside
to get changed.

-Well, I'd stay longer,
but you're real fat.

-Personally, I can never
get enough sheet cake.

-Couldn't hear the
darn thing except...

-Hey!
It's the horrors kid!

-Sometimes I worry
I'm not shallow enough.

-Boy, he's popular.

-I'm gonna burn somecigarettes in your dad's carpet.

-Did we leave the movie
for the Parade of Homes?

-Yeah, he's lured by the siren
song of '70s hits.

-Oh, wow, would you look
at that, huh, a shapeless mass.

-Boy, you can really see how
he's so dark and not ordinary.

-A teen at a teen party.
What could be darker?

-Guys, I'm back
from the rumpus room.

Everything checks out.

-Have you seen Kathy?
-No, I haven't seen her.

-Hey, how are things
in the "Blue Lagoon"?

-I guess I'll check out
the hat collection.

-Hey, I'm in here.

-There's a dozen naked
teenage girls in there.

That's what happens
at these teen parties.

It's true.

-Anyone seen the director?

Just looking for a light
out here.

-No one wants to eat cake,
and he can't find Kathy.

Now the movie is really startingto find its purpose.

-[Gasps]
Kathy's jock strap!

-[Muffled scream]

-And Elway takes him down.

-Don't even pretend, Eddie.

-Super Eddie Deezen!

-A Microsoft meeting
goes horribly wrong.

-Illegal use of a Deezen.

-Come on, you bastard.

-Oh, foot fault.
-Billy, don't.

-Be a hero.
-This one wants to fight.

-He wants to get
his head broke.

-Billy, don't.

-Be a hero.
-Billy, don't.

Please, nothing happened.
Please, Billy, for me?

Leave him alone!

-I was thinking
that Gilbert...

[Rumbling]

-Whoa!
-Whoa!

Hey.

-Oh, what's going on?
Oh!

-I don't know, captain,
but give me rocket number nine!

-Man, we've hit a field
of star babies,

and one of them
has got the ship.

-Wow, he's upset.
He must need changing.

-I thought I smelled something.

-Alright.
Here's the plan, man.

You got to get out there
and change that baby's diaper.

I'll walk you through
the procedure from here.

-We're on it, Mike.

Let's go!
-Go, go, go, go!

Come on!
Out, out, out, out!

-Go, go, go, go, go!
-Ah!

-Good thing I hung onto this.

-Thank you!

-Oh, boy, geez.

It really stinks out here.

Well, hello, little baby.

Oh, baby needs changing,
doesn't he?

-Crow!
Snap out of it, man.

You cannot get
personally involved.

-Okay, Mike.
We've located the diaper tabs.

We're pulling the diaper off.

-Servo, wait.

Do you have the clean diaper
in your hand ready to go?

-Oh, yeah.
Thanks, Mike. Okay.

The clean diaper
is at the ready.

Crow is pulling
the dirty diaper away.

-Roger.

Tearing tabs and taking off
dirty diaper.

[Coughing, gagging]

-Oh, geez.
Oh, no.

Nelson, we've got a problem.

The diaper leaked.It went all the way up his back.

-Okay. Okay.
We'll get you through this.

Failure is not an option.

Now slip the clean diaper
under his bottom.

-What about the baby wipes,
Mike?

We've got to clean him up!

-Okay, fine, but hurry up!
-There.

Done and done.
-Alright.

Now seal him up
and get out of there.

-There.
Star baby is diapered, Mike.

-What should we do
with the dirty diaper, Mike?

-I don't know.
Put it on a shelf somewhere.

Oh, boy.
We've got movie sign.

Let's move, men!

-Good job, Tom.

-You could have waited
for us, Mike.

-Well, I just had
to get in here.

-Is a cat laying on the organ
or something?

-Oh, great.
He lives next to Alan Parsons.

-I'm not Adam Roarke!

[Engine revving]

-Powered by
a 20-horse Evinrude,

this Dodge Charger really...

-♪ Love the one you're with

♪ Love the one you're with,
do do do do ♪

[Humming "Pomp
and Circumstance"]

-I don't know.Schlemiel, schlemazel, whatever.

-Anybody?

I climbed up here on the cliff,
and I can't get down.

Can you call somebody?

-I got my ankle caught
between two rocks.

I'm pretty stuck.
-Hello?

Anybody?

-I had the most marvelous time.
-I'll bet.

-He's overlooking something,
isn't he?

-Oh.
-Dennis Cole!

-His horn is caught in some
kind of bebop rhythm.

-Hey, Froggy!

-Get down!

-Just let me Deezen by you.

-Billy is so good.

He'll just wait up there
until you call him.

-I am the lizard king.

♪♪

-Sorry.
Had it on high.

-So how many cars
did he blow up?

-Wow, must have the wrong size
air filter.

-That was Cochise's Charger?

-He could have
killed all of us!

-Well, we better
get in the house.

-I'll call the police.

-The loss of any Dodge Charger
is an awful thing.

-Yeah, they thought the spent
plutonium rods

would be fine in the trunk.

-Ungar!
Do you hear me?

-Oh, great.

-Dumb cop and dumb cop,
they're dumb cops.

-Damn.

-Great, another
Larry Storch wannabe here.

-And how are we doing this
morning, information desk?

Good.

-Well, it beats me
how you can swallow down

a whole hot tamale
first thing in the morning.

-I just feel like you might not
be ready for some football.

-You know what the lining
of your stomach must look like?

-Well, it's pink,

and it secretes a layer
of protective mucus.

-Alright.
Give me a bite.

-He's eating his own hand!

-Are you saying I have
an oral fixation?

-Chief Ungar, get in here!

-Chief Hummer?
What?

-Nice of you to show up.
-[Burps] You're welcome.

-Go on over to the Walton place

and get a statement
from Franny Walton

about that car
that blew up last night.

-Yep, Whopper and fries.
Do you want anything?

-Can you handle that?
-You got it.

-Thank you.

-Oh, and hey,
let's be careful out there.

-Hey, they got the name
of your favorite band

on the side of the car there.

-These two were in "True West"
for many years.

-God, I think I see
a big jackrabbit back there.

I'm gonna focus on that.

-Interesting country,
the high desert.

You'd think it was
pretty lifeless,

but there's actually
a lot going on.

-You know, I'd like to hear
about it sometime.

-Oh, well, we've got time now.

-Oh, we should probably get backto the movie.

-Oh, I suppose you're right.

♪ I shot the me-o

♪ But I didn't shoot
the other guy ♪

[Typewriter keys clacking]

-Is that Fish's
wife typing that?

-Bernice!

-Denise, what are you doing,
typing a novel?

-Banging away as usual, sir.

-That's funny every morning.

-This movie packs
the unflinching humor

of a Dik Browne panel.

-Hey, look,
he's got electric paneling!

-Hmm.

Well, hmm.

-Hey, the other car in town!

I think they were going for
a "Touch of Evil" feel,

but they got a touch
of something else.

-The president stops
at the Westward Ho.

-Why did he take
the long way around?

-Let's see there.
That one is locked, too.

I've got to go get a hanger.

Gosh darn it.

-They've really captured
the stark beauty of this town.

-And action!

-Action!
-Come on in here.

-Oh, your copier down?

-What can I do for you, fella?

-I presume you've heard
of "Tattletales"?

-First, you take your feet
off the desk.

Second, take the cigar
out of your mouth,

and third, you stand up.

-Fourth, you lick me.

-Who the hell are you?

-Let me show you
my Sam's Club membership.

-The man bearing
this wallet is crazy.

Do nothing he says.

-Excuse me, Mr. Craig.
I...I didn't know.

-I got to go
buy Fish's laxative.

-Wow, who's the skirt?

Woof.

-Why don't you sit down, sir?

-I may sit down.
I may not.

-Sheriff, where are you
currently

buying your office supplies?

-If I were to ask you

if anything unusual
happened here

in the last 24 hours,
what would you say?

-I don't know, nothing much.

-Except for the aliens landing.

-I did get this call about
a car blowing up over

at the old Walton place, but...

-And Chuck can put his fist
in his mouth.

-I mean, that's just kid stuff,
you know, a prank.

Kids fooling around.

-I want a list of everyone up
at the house when it happened,

and I want the town sealed off.

-What do you mean, Mr. Craig?

I mean, no news flashes.
No news leaks.

No news, period,
unless I say otherwise.

Understood?

-I understand,
tan man with wallet.

-Understood.

-Hey, it's new shirt day!

-Good thing my Zantigo
salary affords me

an endless supply of cars!

-Hey, Ford stands for
"fix or repair daily."

-You don't look
so bad today, Billy.

-I don't feel so good.

I feel like an idiot
going to the doctor.

-What about the lump
on your chest?

-Oh, that's my nipple.

-Well, I got it
from the Franklin Mint.

-Oh, my God, Billy!

It's bigger!

-You know nothing
of my chest holes.

-Yeah, it seems like it.

-Well, Dr. Mellon it is.

-Duh, I'm a dork.

-Okay, gun it!
Ple-- Oh.

-Tonight on a very special
"Roddy McDowall Hospital."

-Hey.

-Well, it's big,
but not as big as mine.

-So you have a doorbell
on your chest.

-Hm, I was in a monkey suit,

then suddenly I was
in this movie.

[Sighs]

-Hmm.

Dear God, "Mrs. Miniver"
was a long, long time ago.

-Can I get dressed now,
Dr. Mellon?

-Certainly, bright eyes.

Oh.
-No, not yet.

It is a blah.

-Come in the other room.

-Take off my clothes.

-Lie down, will you?

-But don't rip the paper.
I'd like to save it.

-Well, I'm going in.

-Ding-dong!
-♪ Operation!

-Remove wrenched ankle.

-Does that hurt?

-What if I stomp up
and down on your chest?

-It looks as if you have
an impacted wood tick.

-Frankly, Billy, I'm baffled
and grossed out.

-Ding-dong.

Ding-dong.

-That?

-It appears to be growing

into a "Wizard of Oz"
commemorative plate.

-Uh, come in?

-Did you feel that?

-No.

-Well, medical science has done
everything possible.

Goodbye.

-Quite frankly, uh...

-I don't know why
I took this role.

-Billy, I must confess,
I am puzzled.

That is quite close
to the surface,

and what I would like to do
is, uh, try to remove it,

if that's all right with you.

-Sure, doc.
Whatever you think.

-Okay.

-Let me grab a big melon baller
here and really dig in there.

-Now, what I'm gonna do
is give you a local

to anesthetize the area.

It won't hurt.

-Well, it will.
I lied.

-And he delivers on his promise
to give him a local.

-Oh, why did I do that?

Now I have to fill it up again.

-Toodles.

-What the hell?
I've never seen one of these.

-Good, got the nose-hair
trimmers.

-Wow, "How Green Was My Valley"
was a long time ago.

-I smoked many a great
doobie with this.

-Yes.

-Now the makeup may have to be
patched after this,

but there shouldn't
be any scarring.

♪♪

-Well, it's a St. Paul
Winter Carnival medallion!

♪♪

-Hair shift.

-Now, you be careful that
doesn't get infected, huh?

-Uh-huh.

-Are you okay, Billy?
-Sure.

Doc patched me up just fine.

-Oh, by the way, give me a call
in a couple of days

because I'm gonna run that
specimen over to Springfield

myself tonight,

and I'll have the answer
in about 12 hours.

-Thanks, doc.
-Yes, thank you.

-They're at the Kitty Klinic.

-Would you mind cleaning up
the examining room?

-I was getting
into my ape role,

and I threw some crap around.

-I've got to see
if "Beyond the Valley

of the Planet of the Apes"
is a go.

-Mike?
Oh, glad I caught you.

At lunch, huh?
-Oh.

-Surprised you noticed
something like our lunchtime.

How are you, doc?
Long time, no see.

-Here, do something with that.

-Listen, Mike, I want you
to do me a favor.

-Sure, doc.
Shoot.

-I would like to bring
a specimen over tonight, and...

-No!
-No, after hours.

I'm afraid it'll be
around midnight.

Would you wait?

-I'll be wearing my peignoir.
-Oh, is it that important?

-It could be.
-But probably isn't.

-I'll get there as soon
as I can,

but I am afraid
it will be after midnight.

-I will be letting it
all hang down.

-Thank you.
Alright. Goodbye.

-Wait, I'm a LensCrafter
technician.

What does he want with me?

-Again, true to his word,
he delivers the specimen.

-Mm-hmm.

This movie boldly states what
it's gonna do and does it!

-Oh, make sure
there's a pin spot

on Mr. McDowall's right ear.

-This is one of
my greatest specimens.

I would almost hate
to give it away.

-Man, he's just begging
to be abducted.

-It's George Jones
as a Walmart greeter!

-Alrighty, then.

-Don't do that, Mike.
-Sorry.

-Roddy McDowell is "Silkwood."

-Wow, he's really
overdriving his headlights.

-Oh, no!

His car turned into a sedan
and crashed and exploded!

-We show you this scene
to represent

what would have happened.

-So, this is how
Roddy McDowell died?

-He's not dead.
-Oh.

-Well, at least he was
wearing his seatbelt.

♪♪

-I believe this is "Mannix,"
if I'm not mistaken.

-Answer up?

-I need another neck rub.

-Shut up, green boy.

-I can't believe
you said that to me.

-[Squeaks]

[Whirring]

-Here's a silver
cactus oven mitt.

-You know anything that will
shrink the swelling?

-We used to have one
of these in school.

-Isn't that doorknob
abnormally high?

-What are you doing here
so late?

-I'm calibrating
my interferometer.

-Yeah, you go ahead
and do that.

-I've got to find out
what time it is.

-He could play Gertrude Stein
so easy.

-Peggy, would you look up
some numbers for me, please?

-Two and nine.

-First see if Dr. Mellon
is in town.

-Wrap him for a hollow sound.

-And if he's not,
try the sheriff's office.

-Michael Caine's puffy sister.

-Have a good night.

-Is this your coin?

-This movie is comprisedstrictly of second-unit footage.

-Hey, uh, we're still having
trouble with our copier.

-This forced perspective
is so phony.

He's not really that big,
you know.

-We might just have ourselves
a mad bomber here.

-I'm not mad.
I'm disappointed.

-Bad movies have taught us
that sheriffs

hold onto their belts a lot.

-What do you think?

-We should call the lab
in Springfield,

tell them we found
what's left of Dr. Mellon.

-Uh, which Springfield?
There's one in every state.

-Go ahead, you two.

-They present a formidable
law-enforcement team, huh?

-I want a list of everybody
that's seen the doctor

in the last 24 hours.

-Should I close off
the island, Steve?

-You think someone who lives
here did this?

-Let's get down to work,
sheriff.

We're running out of time.

-What about the rights
of that little girl?

-Hey, your sister wants
her shirt back.

-I figured out this kind of
shirt, no complicated buttons

to deal with!

-Ow.

It hurts to get in my van
with these tight jeans.

[Engine starts]

-I think we're supposed to
like him because he has a van.

-You know, every time
I come close to not hating him,

I see those feet
on the side of the van.

-Oh, they've got that antenna
to get some

Elvin Bishop
and Marshall Tucker music.

-The thrill as the police
forget something.

-Oh, oh, okay.

Break the stunt.
It didn't work.

-He'd make a pretty
Sharon Gless.

-He's his own airbag.

-Oh.
-Billy, Billy, Billy.

-Man, I forgot what
I was gonna say.

It was something good, too.

-You're getting to be a real
Dillinger, ain't you, boy?

-Must not react.

-Everybody calling
for you everyplace.

-I can't hear you
through the window.

I see your lips moving.

-Where do you
think you're going?

-Nothing.

-Man, if I'd just remember
what I was gonna say.

-Anything you say can
be used against...

You ready for some football?

-I know where you're going.

-Boy camel toe!

-Ugh.
-Oh.

-Allen Fawcett!
-What do you know

about Chuck's car
being blown up?

-Chuck's carbon doughnuts?
-All I know is what I heard

when Kathy picked me
up this morning.

-Where'd you go?
-To Dr. Mellon's.

I had this sore on my chest,

and Kathy thought I should
let the doctor look at it.

I don't like going
to doctors, but...

-But it was Roddy McDowall.

He made it fun!

-Do you mind showing us?
-Oh, it's a Calvin Klein ad.

-Of course not.

-He's got a creamy center.

-Good God.

-Hey, you're no trip
to Hollywood either.

-What's the matter?
-Nothing.

-I'm not ready
for football anymore.

-Thanks for coming in.

-But we've already
cast the part.

-Do you need
a ride back, Billy?

-No, thanks, sheriff.

I can make it.

-Man, I could eat him.

Tear off the wrapper.

Pop him in the microwave
in one bite.

-Everything seen and heard
in this room stays here.

Understood?
-Even the file cabinets?

-Understood?

-Absolutely.

I ain't never seen
nothing like that.

-And I've been to a county seat
and everything.

-What was it?

-That's just what I'm going
to go find out.

-Glad you could help,
whoever you are.

-I just love these little
mom-and-pop sheriff outfits.

-Oh, no, another dead dog.

I've got to remember
to crack a window!

-D'oh!

-I should get
my nose sharpened.

-Wow. They're showing that
he's a misunderstood rebel

because he doesn't have
a ride home.

-Are you a woman?

-It's a training microscope.

-Now merge carefully
with the flagellum.

-Putting it on
the delicate cycle here.

-You know, you're right.
This data proves I'm a woman.

-A little bit of that.

Some of that there.
-There we go.

-They're looking at those old,
weird, naked daguerreotypes.

-So what do you like?

Country or light rock,
maybe, or...

-I want you to know how much
this has meant to me,

whatever your name is.

-Eh, let's do it tomorrow.
I've got a tanning appointment.

-A self-administered eye exam.

-Hi, sir. Bye, sir.

-Well, I've given it
every test I know.

It's the --
it's the oddest thing.

-The oddest thing what?

-The material is nothing
that comes out of this earth.

There were some traces
of burnt flesh,

but the mass of it is inorganic.

-Are you sure of that?

-No, I'm really only
a dental hygienist.

-Absolutely.

And I'll tell you something elseif you won't think I'm crazy.

-I've got grasshoppers
taped to my back.

-Whatever it is, it's growing.

-You're not crazy.

Have you found anything
to destroy it?

-Oh, my lord.
Heavens no, dear.

No, darling.

-Well, goodbye,
Mrs. Joe Don Baker.

-Thanks, Mike.

-Hope the sex-change operation
goes all right.

-And my hair is perfect.

-[Speaks indistinctly]

-Tonight on "Cops."

-You know, I saw a "Cops"
once where they pulled

this skinny guy out
from under a couch.

-No!
-Yeah.

-This sucks.
I was supposed to headline!

-What now?!

-I can use a Coke.

-I think there are other issues
between these two.

-Oh, man.

-Who's the well-lit person
in back there?

-Say, I've got my leg stuck
in a mole hole over here, um...

-David Bowie!
-Cool.

-Hey, he knows
how to use a Coke.

♪ I'd like to teach the world

-To get ready
for some football!

-Give me some, man.

-Whoo-hoo-hoo! You!

-Come on.
Stop using my Coke.

-Ahh.
I'm gonna use the john.

-Ah, test audiences
responded well

to bulbous crackers
using the john.

-This is like "Porky's"
without the charm.

-Oh, good.

We get to see him
unfurl his pants.

-Oh, damn.

There's only six rolls
of toilet paper left.

-Alright.
Watch out, thunder bucket.

You're about to meet
your greatest challenge.

♪♪

-Somebody stop me!

-Can I get a plunger?

-Ew, the smell!

-Wait, save the Nut Goodies!

Save the pine tree
air fresheners!

-Save the dirty trucker tapes.

-I'm thinking this
and Roddy McDowall

ate up about 90%
of the film's budget.

-Mm-hmm.

-I thought it was just
one gas station, but it's four!

-Well, they needed
to remodel anyway.

♪♪

-Mother!

-♪ If I built a fortress
around your heart ♪

-Haven't we been
through enough?

-Do you have to invite your van
every time we do this?

I can hear it breathing.

Now, what do they need to grab
from the cooler during the act?

-Was that it?
Oh, well, good try.

-How different it
all looks, Billy.

-It's my hands and stuff.

-Billy, are you asleep?

-No, of course not.

I heard every word you said.

-Oh, then what did I say then?

-How different it
all looks, Billy.

-God, I hope they forgot
to set the parking brake.

-You're provoking,
you know that?

-Whatever that means.

-You're absolutely,
positively provoking.

-A musty Army blanket
and a pair of dirty sneakers

always gets you
in the mood, huh?

-Ugh.
-Ew.

-Too close.
Too close.

-Yuck.

-He's sucking the snake venom
out of her.

-Man, I agree with Abby.

People should just cuddle.

-Oh, oh, what is that?
-Can you show this?

-Ugh.
-Ew.

-Oh, Robert Ginty
was a better kisser.

-This movie means two things
to me --

sheet cake and back fat.

-If you could taste
what I hear.

-It's pretty waxy in there
today, Billy.

-I just hope she gets
combat pay for this.

-Oh, well.
I'll finish in town.

-Is it something you
should have checked out?

I mean, do you think
it's physical or mental?

Oh, well.

-Well, I've got to get back
to my regiment.

-Shouldn't the lock box
be on the house?

-That's a hand
grenade necklace.

-Oh, from the Sarah
Coventry collection.

-Pull the pin and run!

-Oh, Billy,
between you and the motor oil

and your B.O.
and the scabby hole

in your chest, I just love you.

-His nipples look
like jean rivets.

-Oh, just when I thought
he couldn't be less appealing.

-Well, that fired him up.

-[Growls]

-Aah!

-Why didn't she do that
when she was kissing him?

-Oh, that was dumb.

-So they're just off
county road C going at it, huh?

-Man, it's beautiful, isn't it?

-Absotively gorgeous.
I wonder what it is.

-It's a black hole!

It's a black hole!
-Of course.

You know, I had a feeling
about that.

-And we're being sucked
towards it,

and the short explanation
is that we're all gonna die.

-Ohhh.
Oh, bitter irony.

I just read an article
by Stephen Hawking.

-Hold me, Crow.

Embrace me in the moment
of oblivion.

-Don't worry.
Mike can help us.

He's kind of smart and his
arms work and everything.

-Yeah.
What are we panicking for, huh?

Mike can fix it.

-Yeah, he won't let us die.

He's frosty in the clutch.

-Oh, we are in deep trouble!

-Aah!
-Stow it, you two.

Mr. Gypsy, status report?

-Sir, the ship has been trapped

in the gravity web
of black force

and is presently plummeting
towards the singularity.

-Mr. Cambot, red alert.
Mr. Gypsy, you are with me.

Mr. Servo, you have the con.
Alright.

Now what we need to do
is really...

-Oh, what's he doing
with my toy phone?

-I don't know,
but don't bother him.

Sure, he's gone totally mental

but look how poised he is,
how confident.

-You know, you're right,
and he has the subtle allure

of a woman in the full flower
of early middle age.

-Alright.

I've realigned the Penrose tubesand jettisoned a stream

of einsteinium
through the Hawking converter,

thereby versing
the Oppenheimer Effect

and propelling us through
the Asimov space curtain.

Mr. Cambot, engage.

-Oh.
-Whoa, whoa.

-Mr. Gypsy, report.

-We've pulled free
of the singularity

and returned to plummeting
out of control

and at an ever increasing speed
towards some unknown doom.

-Excellent.
Now, Mr. Servo, Mr. Crow,

I'm responsible for the lives
of 148 crew members

aboard this ship,
144 of which we never see.

But sometimes, I have to get
a little rough.

Yeah, that's the way I like it,

rough because I never, ever
do anything nice and easy.

♪ Rolling, rolling,
rolling on the river ♪

-Tom, back away slowly.

-♪ Job in the city
-Very slowly and run!

-♪ Rolling, rolling,
rolling on the river ♪

-Wow.

-Yes, we are making restitution
to all who had sex with Billy.

-Although not admitting
any wrongdoing,

we agree to compensate you
for having had sex with Billy.

-Oh, hold on.

Give me a second
to get crazy here.

-It's Kris Kringle
in retirement.

-Oh, hello, sir or ma'am.

Do you need any law enforcement?

-Tony Craig!

-That would be
a good name for you.

-Hello, Colonel.
-Couple years, I say.

Well, come in.
Come in.

-Whew, a mouse die
in your air conditioning?

-Not bad.
-Yeah, it's mediocre.

I'd prefer a bigger finish.

-Maybe general.
-I wet myself today.

Do you want to see?

-Yeah.

-Oh, that Old Smugglers
will sneak up on you.

-I bought the drapes too short,

but I found a way
to deal with it.

-Oh, hello.
Have you been helped?

-Yeah, they offered me
an early retirement.

I accepted.
Hobson's choice.

-You know, with Meryl Streep
and Kevin Klein and all.

-Sit down. Sit down.
Make yourself comfortable.

-Can I offer you some pajamas?

-So what's your problem?
Have a drink.

-How about a little fabric
softener for you?

-Oh.

Oh, he must have lost a quarter
in there somehow.

-Scenes cut from "Road House."

♪♪

-Oh, oh, oh.

Guhhhhh.

Let's see what else peeves me.

I'm gonna get that woman who
asked me for two forms of I.D.

♪♪

-He insists on bringing
his leaf blower everywhere.

-He's scooping insects
with his baleen.

♪♪

-[Humming "Hogan's Heroes"
theme]

-Wow, he's being out-acted
by a drain pipe.

-Filmed with Husbands
and Wives" cam.

-"An Occurrence
at Owl Creek Bridge,"

"The Destruction of Jared-Syn"
through the portal of time.

[Barking, panting like a dog]

[Barking]

-Where the heck is
Commercial Office Suppliers?

-Oh, goody, my lucky spot.

-22 to dispatch.

♪♪

-♪ Gather around

♪ Gather around, children,
get loud ♪

♪ You could be proud, yeah

♪ Be proud you're a rebel

♪ Because the South's
gonna do it again ♪

-Today only, aliens golf free.

-♪ Gather around

♪ Gather around, children,
get down ♪

♪ You can get down, children

♪ Get loud

♪ But you can get loud
and be proud ♪

♪ You can get proud, yeah

♪ Be proud you're a rebel

♪ Because the South's
gonna do it again ♪

♪ Again, again

-This has got to be
the best buggy in town.

I can't wait until everybody
sees us driving around in this!

You know, I can't believe them
insurance guys

actually believed that
stupid story about lightning.

-Shut up, Froggy.

-You know, Eddie looks
like a meerkat.

-Sure.

-These cars always look like
they have angry faces.

-[Growling]

-You know, I can't believe them
Springfield dudes

would actually believe
that story about lightning.

You know, you've got to be
stupid to actually...

-Froggy, shut up.
-Sure, Chuck, sure.

-Like before when you asked me
to shut up.

Sure, sure.

-Come on.
Just blow the car up.

-Eddie has a special car seat
his friend puts him in.

-Eddie is like a puppy
you just have

to keep hitting
with a rolled-up newspaper.

-It could be raining.
-Where?

-In town.
I thought I saw lightning.

-Would you knock it off
with that lightning crap?

-They are just like
Williams and Ree.

So, Servo, exactly what is
the South going to do again?

-You know, different activities
that they have done

in the past
that they'd like to...

-Oh, okay.
-...do again.

-Yeah.
-45 speed limit?

A plane?
Wow, it's all coming together!

-This whole scene was just anexcuse to play that great music.

-Now you've got me thinking
about the South doing it again.

It's just the South, okay?

-I...I just...
I'm just asking.

I'm sorry.
-That's...that's the spirit.

-Hey! Look! Look! Look!
Look! Look! Look!

Over there! Over there!
Over there!

Look! Look! Look!
Look! Look!

-So he's observing
the speed limit, I see.

-This is so Coleman Francis
right now.

-Mm-hmm.

-He's taking Eddie to the vet
to get fixed.

♪♪

-♪ Get down

-Are you taking me
to the big place?

-Yes, Eddie.You'll like it at the big place.

-I know.

-♪ Get down now
and be proud ♪

-I'm Cherokee Jack!

-That's Eddie Deezen
down there.

Let's take him out.

-Uh, are we still
in the same movie?

Hello?

-Wow, this was so greatwhen it was at the Omni Theater.

♪♪

-Look, a raccoon!

-This must be a hot one.

Let's go get him.

-Sure, Hal.

But who are we, and what are we
doing in this film,

and why was Eddie Deezen
waving at us?

-Tonight on a very special
"Simon & Simon."

-All I'll say is it's just
Southern pride, Mike.

There's no specific act
they're gonna do again.

-I...I'm...It's fine.
-Yeah, so lay off.

♪ One tin soldier rides away

-Ron Howard decides to take out
brother Clint.

-There.

It has to be on just right
for me there.

-Could Leonard Maltin be wrong,

and this isn't worth
2 1/2 stars?

-That could be
a federal offense.

-I'm gonna make that kid
button his shirt up

if it's the last thing I do!

-I knew I forgot something.

[Airplane engine roaring]

-Well, Reno gave us
the go-ahead.

Let's do it.

[Gunfire]

-That's probably someone
who did something.

Well, let's shoot him.

-Oh, it looked like
Stewart Copeland for a moment.

-So, I mean, we shouldn't worry
about the South?

-No, just lay off
the South, okay?

It's not really...
It's just a feeling!

-Okay.

-There's a label maker on top
of the laser blaster.

-You know, Mike,
this film was run through

a highly technical process
called tension extraction

before it was released
to the theaters.

-We got him!
-Or not, I couldn't be sure.

-Nipple check.
Yep, nipples intact.

-Make sure when you do
the scene, you don't direct

any of this at the camera.

-Eegah!

-The son of a bitch
is still up!

-Yeah.

-I can't get this poster tube
off my arm!

-Hello, Grand Rapids!
Are you ready to rock 'n' roll?

-We're just spraying paraquat,
citizen.

Go about your business.

♪♪

-"Red Zone Cuba 3,"

"The Destruction
of Cherokee Jack."

-Hey, where did they go?
Hello?

-That's a good way to tear
your rotator cuff.

-Would you please blow up?

This scene is dragging!

♪♪

-There.
-There we go.

-Thank you.

Thank you, very much,
Indianapolis.

We love you!

-Ow!

Oh, that did it.

-J.D. Power and Associates rank
these guys

the most loathsome
in their class.

-This is fine right here.

I don't want to get any closer
to Eddie Deezen.

-Mnh-mnh.

-Come on, Chuck.
Talk to me.

Every time we go to a wedding,
we get in a fight.

-Won't be long now.
-I get to pet the llama, right?

-Yes, it's the brand-new
Weed Whipper 2.

-Honey, isn't that
the Johnson boy?

What's he doing in our backyard?

-So, Servo, I mean...
-Oh, look.

Just lay off!
You'll see.

When the South does rise again,
I'll be laughing!

Me! Me!
-Okay. Alright. Alright.

Man. Phew.

How does this guy undo his fly

when he has to go
to the bathroom?

-[Humming]

-Okay, get your butt off
the window now, Eddie.

-Apparently Chuck pinned Eddie.

-Is this one of those movies
based on a Jane Austen novel?

-Hey, Chuck.
Who's the creep?

-Hey, freak,
do you want a lift?

How about we give this bum

a real treat,
a ride he'll never forget?

-Yes!
-Yeah! -Do it!

Shoot him!
-Shoot them! Take them out!

-Oh, I'm certain whatever is on
his arm is incredibly perilous.

-We'll never know where
they were going now.

-Well, that was rough going.
I think the worst is over.

I'll just pull over here.

-Hey, Eddie!
Hey, Chuck!

I like the flames
you painted on your...

Oh.

-Okay, no problem.
Got it under control.

Just pump the brakes gently.

There we go.

-Temperature gauge
is running hot.

I wonder what that...Oh, yeah.

-Mind if I crack
a window, Eddie?

-Not to worry, a nick stick
came with the car.

-There goes a very
gifted shop student.

-Shame.

-♪ Something touched me
deep inside ♪

♪ The day Eddie Deezen died

[Sniffles]

-I've got to start monitoring
the people I have sex with.

-Cheryl Ladd in
"A Soldier's Story."

-You'll get your drinking badge
with this one.

-Come here often?
Aren't these places phony?

-Billy must be somewhere close.

-Don't you ever say...
to me again!

-Billy!
-Don't be a hero!

-Hi, honey.
I'm a cop now.

-Was Billy in that car?
Come on. Let's go.

-[Imitating guitar]

♪ Going home

♪ My baby

♪ Going home

Wait, something wrong
with the whammy bar.

There we go.
♪ My baby

♪ Going home

-Steve! Steve!
It's the film crew.

-Oh.

-Yeah, my first time with Bill
Rossamaine in that car there.

-It's a Miss Hathaway alien.

-[Squeaks]

-Sure.
Throw that up in my face.

-Hop in, brother!
-Well, I'm not hitchhiking,

but if you want
to give me a ride, okay.

-We're going to Iowa City
to see The Dead!

-We saw Anthrax last night.

We got hammered and puked.

-You know, I should tell you

about my ass,
gas or grass policy.

-There I was 30,000 feet
straight up

in a field of frozen yo-yos,
and the string broke!

I didn't falter,
just kept on going, man.

I knew.

I knew nirvana was straight
around the corner.

-Nirvana.
-I turned the corner

and ran smack
into Betty Crocker!

She was running across the sky
yelling,

"You never outgrow
your need for milk."

-I miss Eddie Deezen.

-I looked at her, and I said,
"Baby, you're something else."

-Then I discovered Poco!

-Far out, man.
You know what I mean?

-He's like a lucid
Dennis Hopper.

-What are you doing?

Huh?
What do you get out here?

There ain't nothing
but rattlesnakes and turtles.

-You may or may not believe
this,

but I grow my own Mary Jane!

-Cousin of yours, Mike?

-What the...

-Well, there's just a sign
that says "Star Wars"?

-Reminding one of the movie
"Star Wars."

-I hadn't finished
reading that!

♪♪

-Far out!

-Because hippies are stoned.

-Oh, camera rig on
the side of the van.

-Hey, you've got a camera
rig on your car!

-This guy breasts the tape
in front of Steve Alaimo

for lonesomeness.

-Alrighty, then.

-You kill me and my whole
commune will hunt you down.

I swear!
-Aah!

-You are wrong,
marijuana breath.

Hew hew hew.

-I bet the heater is stuck
on full blast, too.

-So the aliens have been sent
to Earth

to acquire righteous vans.

-Meanwhile, on a similar road,
traffic moves freely.

-So I wonder what the flaw
was that kept Leonard Maltin

from giving us
the full three stars?

-But alien problems
do not exist here at Bear Path,

a planned golf community.

-Fore!

-Oh.
My mailbox of values!

-Look, everyone was sending asheet of paper to everyone else.

-Now, why did they call
this movie "Laserblast"?

-It's raining porn.

Hallelujah.

-So what East Coast Southern
California town is this?

-Leave the Bronx.

You are ordered
to leave the Bronx.

-Mark Hamill in "Falling Down."

-Ecuadorian bat boy
found alive in cave.

-Oh, my.

Isn't there an information
booth around here?

♪♪

-Boy, someone has got
a full diaper.

Oh, tai chi in the morning
is so great.

-Will you help me carry this?
It's really heavy.

-Er er er! Come on!
Our reservations are at 8:00!

-Neil Diamond,
"Hot August Nights."

-Don't ever make fun
of my ass again!

-♪ What would you do
if I sang out of tune ♪

-Killed by vapor action.

-I'm really sorry about
the whole South thing, Mike.

You have a valid point.
-It's all right.

-You really do.

-Nuts, my thing ran out!

Got a battery?

-My ovipositor is sore.

[Vehicle door closes]

-Wow, she makes Laraine Newman
look Rubenesque.

-So ever make it
with a mid-level bureaucrat?

-Fashion some suits.

-Wait, my belt is out the door!

-No more nights
on musty blankets.

I'll really miss
your open shirts.

We'll play REO Speedwagon
at your funeral, Billy.

-This is really where he hits
his stride as an actor.

-I guess I should know what itis that the South would do again

before I jump on the bandwagon,
is all I'm saying.

-That's true.
Would you just let that die?

-Yeah.

-Okay.
Let's look in Maltin's book.

He gives this 2 1/2 stars.

Oh, "My Favorite Year" barely
edges it out with three stars.

-Huh.
-Oh, look here,

"Hannah and Her Sisters"
is superior only by one star.

-Oh, wow.
-Oh, great.

Now a tire fire starts
just off camera.

-Okay.
Oh, hey, hey.

Leonard Maltin gave the same
2 1/2 stars

to "My Dinner with Andre."

-Oh.
-"Name of the Rose"?

This is a better film
than "Name of the Rose."

It only got two stars.

-"Being There," two stars.

-"Lucas Tanner the Movie"
was directed by Richard Donner.

I just thought
I'd point that out.

-Oh, good.
Thanks.

-Let me see here.

-You mean to tell me Ron Masak
and Eddie Deezen

get billing over Roddy McDowall?

-Look, Mike. "Bird Man
of Alcatraz," three stars.

Marginally better
than "Laserblast."

-They spelled Roddy McDowall's
name wrong!

-What else you got?
-Oh, there we go.

"Full Metal Jacket,"
three stars.

-Mm-hmm.

-Oh, hey.
"Seven Samurai," two stars.

-What?!
-I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.
-I hope so.

-According to this,
"A Fish Called Wanda"

was as good
a film as "Laserblast."

-Oh.

"Broadcast News," "Witness,"
three stars.

Barely superior to "Laserblast."

-Same for "Diner."
-Yep.

-Yeah.
-Oh, here we go.

Hey, this was a better movie

than "Indiana Jones
and the Temple of Doom."

Two stars.
-Well, that's possible.

-And the same caliber
as "Last Crusade."

Two and a half stars.

-Well, and yet "Blame It
On the Bellboy," four stars.

-Where?
-What?

-No, I'm kidding.
No, I'm kidding.

So Kim Milford's greasy pop-eyedperformance

was every bit as good
as F. Murray Abraham's

tortured performance
as Salieri in "Amadeus."

-According to Leonard Maltin,
yes, Mike.

-"Bagdad Café"
a brilliant subtle comedy,

no better than "Laserblast."

-Here's where it gets hard.
"Harry and the Hendersons"

is every bit
as good as "Laserblast."

-Carson McCullers' classic
"The Heart is a Lonely Hunter,"

no better than "Laserblast."

-John Schlesinger's
Oscar-winning

thriller "Marathon Man,"

on par with "Laserblast,"
2 1/2 stars.

-Right.
So Laurence Olivier's

chilling performance as Szell,
the white angel,

no better than the butt-face
sheriff in "Laserblast."

-Again, according to
Leonard Maltin, yes, Michael.

-Okay.
-Look here. Look here.

"Outlaw Josey Wales"
and "Unforgiven,"

Oscar-winner
quintessential westerns,

Eastwood at his finest.

However, I think you know where
we're headed with this, Mike.

-Yeah.
-Same as "Laserblast."

-Same as "Laserblast."
-Two and a half stars.

-Oh, here we go.

Here is a couple more,
"Sophie's Choice."

Here is one, "Willy Wonka
and the Chocolate Factory,"

"The Great Santini,"
all 2 1/2 stars.

-I can't believe that.
-Two and a half stars.

Scene aced, by the way.

-Peers to "Laserblast."

♪♪

-Wow.
-See that?

-Hey, here we are at the edge
of the universe.

-Not quite, Mike.

There's just a little bit more
to go here.

-Oh, yeah. You're right.

There.
The edge of the universe.

-Yep, and I tell you, Mike,

it's everything
I could have hoped for.

For example, all knowledge
is clear to me now.

-Yeah, you know, and --
and all wisdom and beauty

fill with me an abundant light,

and all the eternal truths
of the cosmos are available

with a minimum of effort.
-Oh, hey!

There's God!
Oh, maybe not.

-Hey, guys.
-Oh, hi.

-What's up?
-Oh, we're just at the edge

of the universe.

-Oh, so that's it.

No wonder I've suddenly become
aware

that I can
leave my corporeal body

and become pure energy
or pure thought or reason

or pure any number of things!

Here, let's see.

[Grunting]

-Wow! Cool!
Let's do it, Mike.

[Grunting]

-Wow.

-Just let it happen, Mike.

-Okay, got you.
-Come on.

Yeah.
There, you see?

-Servo, what are you?
-I think I am pure energy.

-Hey, I'm pure energy.

-Oh, you're nothing
but pure canola oil, you.

-Oh, yeah, Mr. Pure Country.

-Come on.
You want a piece of me?

You want a piece of me?
-Hey, hey, guys.

Come on.
Spread out now.

Come on.

All that matters is that
we're pure and eternal.

-Yeah.
-Uh, hello?

-Oh, hey!
Gypsy, hey!

Why don't you drop
your temporal being

and become pure love
or something,

and then we'll all go play
in the edge of the universe.

-Oh, I don't know.
-Oh, come on!

It'll be fun!
-Come on, Gypsy.

It's really fun.
Don't be afraid.

Join us.
It's really great.

-I'm not sure.
It's just that...Oh.

Oh...Oh...Oh, my stars!

-There we go.
-I hope I'm ready for this.

I may only be 99 44/100% pure.

-Well, that's probably
good enough.

-Yeah, yeah.
Let's go.

-Oh, hey, uh, Cambot,
Magic Voice, join us!

-Yeah, come on!
-Yeah.

-Whoa!
-Wow! Neat!

-It's great out here!
-It's cold.

-Help me!
-Come on, come on!

-Energy.
-Whoo.

[Heavy breathing]

[Glass clinking]

[Heavy breathing continues]

[Heavy breathing continues]

[Heavy breathing continues]

[Glass shatters]

[Voices whining]

[Whining continues]

-Another chance to do it right!

Isn't this wonderful, baby?

-Oh, poopy.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Far out!