Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 9, Episode 10 - The Giant Spider Invasion - full transcript

♫ In the not too distant future

♫ Somewhere in time and space

♫ Mike Nelson and his robot pals

♫ Are caught in an endless chase

♫ Pursued by a woman whose name is Pearl

♫ An evil gal who wants to rule the world

♫ She threw a few things in her purse

♫ And in her rocket ship she hunts them

♫ All across the universe ♫

- [Pearl] I'll get you!

♫ I'll send him cheesy movies

♫ The worst I can find

♫ He'll have to sit and watch them all

♫ And I'll monitor his mind

♫ Now keep in mind Mike can't control

♫ Where the movies begin or end

♫ He'll try to keep his sanity

♫ With the help of his robot friends

♫ Robot roll call

♫ Cambot you're on

♫ Gypsy ♫
- Oh my stars!

♫ Tom Servo ♫

- Check me out.

♫ Crow ♫

- I'm different.

♫ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes

♫ And other science facts

♫ Just repeat to yourself it's just a show

♫ I should really just relax

♫ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♫

(door slams)

(metal creaking)

(quiet beeping)

(thud)

(metal creaking)

(thud)

(door closing)

- Hi everyone.

Mike Nelson here.
- [Crow] Hey.

- Welcome to the Sattel--
- [Tom Servo] Are you ready

for some spirit?

- Huh?

- Alright, alright, alright!

♫ Don't you want to hear it

♫ This idle light of love
has got oodles of spirit! ♫

Yaaaay!
- [Mike] Okay.

- Give me an S!

- No.

- Give me an A!

- Hmm, no.

- Gimme a, give me a T.

- Nu-uh.

- Well come on, you
gotta give me something.

- Well technically we don't really.

- Oh come on!

Just give me the other T.

- What do we get out of it?

- Yeah.

- Uh, spirit? (awkward laugh)

- Huh.

I'll tell you what.
- [Crow] (whispering)

- [Mike] (whispering)
- [Tom Servo] (nervous laugh)

- Wanna do that?

Yeah, why don't you tell him about it?

- Okay, we can give you an
M, an R, a small x and one L.

- So MRxL then, woo!

♫ The Satellite of Love
has got MRxL, MRxL, MRxL!

♫ Have you got as much,

♫ uh, uh, uh, uh,

♫ MRxL as us?

♫ I don't think so!

♫ We got the MRxL ♫
- [Mike] We'll be right back.

MRxL.
- [Crow] MRxL, yes.

♫ You got nu-huh-huh-ha ♫

(instrumental pop music)

- MRxL, uh-huh, MRxL MRxL MRxL muhhhRxL!

Woo!

Okay, now throw me up, Mike!

- [Mike] Okay.
- [Tom Servo] MuhhhRxL!

(crash)
- [Tom Servo] Oh, ow.

- Oh, Earl the Pearl is calling.

- [Tom Servo] MRxL?

(metal drumming and humming)

- Hey Smellson.

Peelin' my oats today.

Spritle, Chim Chim and I ran
right into a school of sunnies.

They were all over our
jerk bait like ugly on ape.

- Hey!

- Hey, shut your cake-hole.

It's just an expression.

All in all a pretty nice trip.

We used Brainiac here as a fish locator,

and then he harvested some
wild mushrooms with his mind.

We sat by a crystal blue stream

having mind fried rainbow trout, mmm!

It was heaven.

- I got bit by a rattlesnake
in a very embarrassing place.

I had to suck the poison
out myself. (laughing)

- I'll never eat again.

- And I got stung be a scorpion,

found the mother load of deer
ticks, sat in some sand burrs,

got mauled by a bear.

He buried me, so he could eat me later

and I had to dig my way out...

- Whose story is this?

Anyway, we found some
beautiful wild flowers

and some of these weird
ass zucchini things.

You know you should go camping.

Oh that's right.

You can't!

(laughing)

- Well no, but there's
plenty of other stuff to--

- Oh yes you can Mike!

You just have to know how to portage!

Ha ha!
- [Mike] Careful.

- [Tom Servo] You see,
- [Crow] Ow!

- [Tom Servo] With as few
good, calm rivers and streams

as there are in the Satellite of Love,

well, one good canoer
must know how to portage!

- [Mike] Ow!
- [Crow] Ow, Gee whiz!

- Sorry guys, I'm portaging.

But what is portaging really?

- [Mike] Ow!
- [Crow] Ow!

- I mean, Webster's dictionary
defines it as portage,

through portage or portage,
- [Crow] Ow!

- but what does it mean
for us really, guys?

Uh, guys?

Guys?

- You wanna watch that, ow!

(thud)

- Heh portage, heh, heh.

- Well isn't that pleasant and quality?

- Yes, um, thank you.

- Yes, quality has been inserted

into every sector of our day

and we wish to share it with you.

- Please accept these lovely
and decent throw pillows.

- I thought you said they were zucchini.

Now they're throw pillows?

- Yeah, which is it?

- [Brainiac] Throw pillow.
- [Pearl] Zucchini.

- [Pearl] Throw pillows.
- [Brainiac] Zucchini.

- [Pearl] Well they're a kind
- Well they're a kind

- [Pearl] of zucchini that
- [Brainiac] of throw pillow

- [Pearl] you can use as a.
- that is a zucchini.

- [Pearl] So they're throw pillows.

- Zucchini.

- They're throw pillows.

Please enjoy their fine
quality and your movie

which is both called Giant Spider Invasion

and is quite quality.

- Guys, I don't know, I don't
think we should accept these

zucchini pillow things.

- Oh don't be so suspicious, Mike.

Hey send them babies up, we'll
use 'em in the rumpus room.

(laughing)
- [Mike] I don't know, I just.

(pop)
- [Crow] Whoa!

- [Mike] Aah!

- You see, they're perfectly normal

overgrown pod-like vegetation Mike.

Ya nervous Nellie, you!

- I think we should send
them back right now.

(warning buzzer sounding)

- [All] Oh, movie time!

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

(mechanical whirring)

(bang)

(mechanical whirring)

(quiet beeping)

(metal creaking)

- [Tom Servo] Hey, it's in color.

- [Crow] Color.

Hey it's a giant spider
invasion of savings at Menards!

- [Tom Servo] Oh, this is
when all those spider singers

came over from Great Britain.

♫ Steve Brodie just
closes his eyes again ♫

- [Tom Servo] Wow, starring Alan Doh Hale.

- [Mike] A special but unknown guest star.

- How can you have a
guest star in a movie?

- [Mike] I don't know.

- [Mike] Hey this is an
orchestral piece called

the People's Court Sweep.

(laughing)

- [Tom Servo] Oh, of the Beer Bara Pokras.

(groaning)

♫ Gillette the best a man can get ♫

- [Mike] It was executive
produced, at least there's that.

- I can the giant spider
moving slowly towards us,

down and down.

- [Tom Servo] Ah, Bill Rebane,
one of the finest directors

ever to come out of
north central Wisconsin.

- I hope Earth has it's diaphragm on.

♫ I shot the Sheriff's Office,

♫ but I did not shoot
the Deputy's Office ♫

- [Mike] These seamless
foam cups provide support--

- Sheriff!

- Hi, little buddy.

(sarcastic laughter)

What's happening?

- Oh not much.

I thought I'd stop by, see if
you had a scoop for the paper.

Can show you my new shirt!

- Things are pretty
quiet around here Davy.

- Oh?

- Well you know I always
have things under control.

- Well I guess there's nothing going on

in this neck of the woods,

except the revival over
at Gleason Town Hall.

- Enlist George.

- You going?

- No, are you?

- No.

I got me a date with Terry.

- I'm surprised that Dan Kester
let's you anywhere near her.

- He's her brother-in-law, not her father.

- Yeah, well don't get on the
wrong side of him young fella.

He's a strange man and he's
working up a big head of steam.

- [Ev] Dan!
- [Tom Servo] Dan!

Where the hell are you going?

- Into town.

- What the hell for?

- [Mike] Promise keepers.

- Well I'm going to a revival.

- Well you need it.

- There's my ride.

(hens clucking)

- Sometimes the only way
I know your still alive

is when I hear you flush the toilet.

- [Mike] Yeah, like they have a toilet.

♫ Love soft as a music chair ♫

- Hallelujah!

- Oh, it's Zig Ziglar.

- The joy that you're feeling right now

is just the beginning.

- [Tom Servo] Better be.

- Our revival is gonna grow and
grow for the next four days,

days that are gonna change your lives.

- Meanwhile, a glowing
splint from a high school

vo-tech class speeds towards Earth.

- [Dave] Hi, Terry ready yet?

- No, not quite.

You want a little drink?

- Oh, no thanks Mrs Kester,
I'll just wait right here.

[Mike] Casual day at Hazelton.

- You can call me Ev, Dave.

- Okay Ev.

- Sure you don't want one?

- No, I'm sure.

- Terry might be quite a while yet.

- You know, you and Terry don't
look much alike for sisters.

I gotta say that good
looks run in your family.

- Well thank you, Dave.

You know it's too bad

that there's this little
age difference between us.

- [Tom Servo] She's
drinking fermented Yoohoo.

- If you were five
years older I'd jump ya.

- [Mike] Well I got
cables in the car, ma'am.

- Terry!

Hey, you look great.

Doesn't she, Mrs. Kester?

- I'm ready for some muskrat lovin'.

- Yes.

- Come on, Terry.

- [Tom Servo] Bye little slutster.

- [Mike] Saved a lot
buying the old Gein place.

- I suppose I should move grandma's body

out of the den now.

- [Tom Servo] Fore!

(telephone ringing)

- [Tom Servo] Doh!

- Hello, Sheriff's Office.

- Professor made a
toaster out of coconuts?

Why?

- I see, uh huh.

Disturbing the peace?

- [Tom Servo] We could do that.

- Yes ma'am, that's an arrestable offense.

- [Mike] Repeat what you
say to provide exposition?

- No, the law does not apply to preaching.

- Hell fire and brimstone!

That is what is in store for you.

- Dennis Rodman, listening?

- It's right here.

Psalms 11 verse six,

"Upon the wicked he shall
rain fire and brimstone!"

- [Tom Servo] Oh, and spiders!

- I need one room in Las Vegas

and a lot of liquor please.

- Dutch, this is Ev.

There's not a drop of
booze left in this house.

I just can't stand it.

I'm really desperate.

Would you bring me something?

- [Crow] This is not the
purpose of 9-1-1, ma'am.

- [Tom Servo] A pony
cake should tide me over.

- Oh, thanks Dutch.

Listen,

Listen, you'll find me very
appreciative when you get here.

- I saved you half a can of Pringles.

- Okay, bye, bye.

- That's so understanding.

- [Tom Servo] How about this, beep.

Can you here this, beep.

(car stereo playing)
- Well, here we are.

- [Crow] The Joe Don Baker Museum.

- You've got to be kidding!

- You said park.

- [Crow] Crank up the Molly
Hatchet and go to town.

- [Tom Servo] I like you Dotty, like!

- Can you come again tomorrow night?

- Well I certainly hope so.

- The revival will be still here.

- Give me that old time religion.

- [Crow] (groans)

Boy, I can hardly wait to get
saved again tomorrow night.

- Oh Dan, wait.

- [Tom Servo] I forgot
to validate your parking.

- You forgot your back brace.

- [Mike, Tom Servo,
Crow] (groan disgustedly)

- [Mike] Oh my.

- Keesh.

- [Mike] Oh, he's pink.

- [Tom Servo] I don't know
how, but I just became sterile.

- Go spiders, go spiders, go, go spiders!

- I saw a star fall from
heaven unto the Earth,

and there arose a smoke out of the pit

as a smoke from a great furnace.

- [Mike] Then add the ribs and cook.

- And out of the smoke there
came locusts upon the Earth

and unto them was given power.

- [Tom Servo] Can I
just get my Tupperware?

- [Crow] Pull up Laika, pull up!

♫ I love tick infested hounds

♫ Slaughterin' a deer

♫ and beer ♫

- [Tom Servo] Ah, Brett Favre at home.

- [Mike] Now they're poor
only in money and spirit

and dignity and moral fiber and hygiene.

- [Tom Servo] Hi hud.

- How was it?

- [Tom Servo] How was
your day at the whore?

- Great.

- [Tom Servo] R-r-r-ribbit!

- So what did the preacher talk about?

- Sin.

- Like a rock!

- What did he have to say about it?

- He, uh, was against it.

- Listen dammit,

- [Tom Servo] Can we get the
boom mic a little closer?

- [Mike] The movie that
takes the bold step

of not including the audience.

- Look at that.

- [Tom Servo] Blaze area,
with music by Pink Floyd.

- Hooterville was decimated

by scud missiles that day.

- What the hell was that?

- Weird.

Jeez, would you listen to that wind?

- [Tom Servo] Meanwhile, a
woman needs a light wrap.

(Crow snickers)

- Lights are dead.

- What's wrong?

- [Tom Servo] They could
rub their keana together

and create static to keep
warm if they're cold.

- [Mike] (Laughs) Yeah.

- Car won't start either.

- [Mike] And my skin is getting waxy.

- [Terry] Great!

- Wait here Terry.

- [Crow] I'll turn off the wind machine.

- [Tom Servo] It's the new 1971 car!

- [Mike] Well the air filter is fine.

- [Terry] Hey, come on!

- I figured we could have sex

'till this blows over!
(laughing)

- [Tom Servo] Auber camoo, safe!

- Moses, move the bike!

- [Tom Servo] Boy, I hope
that bomb didn't land

on our pile of tires and
our busted refrigerator

in the yard, and the rusted
chassis of our '68 Impala.

- What the hell was that?

- [Tom Servo] It's befuddling
my dumb cracker mind.

- Steve Prefontaine.

- [Tom Servo] Satan is out running.

Normal Foot!

- [Mike] Big foot.

- [Ev] It was a shooting star.

- Like a rock!

- [Mike] Okay, like them, a little much.

- [Dan] There's nothing there now.

No fire, no smoke, no
smell, no sound, nothing.

- [Ev] You saw it, too?

It wasn't just me.

You saw it.

There must be something out there.

- [Tom Servo] Of course,
we are dumb cheeseheads.

- Well, whatever it is,
it can keep 'till morning.

- [Tom Servo] I'll leave
a light on for you.

- You mean to say that
all hell just busted loose

in our field and you're going on into bed?

- [Dan] I'm tired.

- And repulsive and stupid.

- You're always tired.

- Well that revival
really took it out of me.

Now if you want to, you
can stay out here all night

looking at nothing.

- [Tom Servo] This isn't a
very good remake of Sabrina.

- Packers fans, the horrible truth.

- [Tom Servo] Flush.

♫ It's the good life ♫

(pop music)

(buzzer)

- [Crow] America Online tries to keep up.

- [Tom Servo] Red phones are
hot in Paris this spring.

- [Mike] He's got a copy of Varmint Master

hidden inside that.

(Crow snickers)

- Hello.

Sheriff's Office.

- Don't act with your tongue, Alan.

- I see.

- [Tom Servo] I should button my shirt.

- So your radio won't work?

Well all I can tell you
is call Joe's Radio Shop.

He opens 9am sharp.

- [Mike] So your space based

missile defense system won't work?

- Your car won't start?

- Then you might be a redneck.

- All I can tell you is
call Ernie's Auto Repair.

He opens at eight.

- [Mike] Maybe he's Amish and
doesn't believe in buttons.

- No ma'am, I don't have the number.

- [Tom Servo] Take your time movie.

- All I can tell you is
use the yellow pages.

Let your fingers do
the walking. (laughing)

- Not a joke but an incredible simulation.

(dial tone sounding)

- That's funny.

I wonder why she hung up on me.

- [Mike] Maybe your bodily funk
travels over the phone line.

- [Tom Servo] Actually filmed

inside the thumb hole of a bowling ball.

- Film extra noir.

- [Mike] Hello?

Movie, come on movie, come here boy.

(whistling)

- Don't move or I'll shoot!

- [Tom Servo] Don't turn on the light!

No!
- [Crow] (groans)

- That scared the death out of me.

- Aw, he's lactating.

- Put the gun away.

- What the hell are you doing
sneaking in here at this hour?

- [Mike] What a handsome man.

- Had to walk home.

- [Tom Servo] Young Bill and
Hillary struggle to make it.

- I warned ya, that little
parking spot is rotten.

- Want a piece of milk?

- It wasn't Dave's fault,
his car broke down.

- [Tom Servo] Hey, would
you call this food?

- (laughs) You fell for that old trick.

- [Tom Servo] Oh Magoo,
you've done it again.

- That had whiskers on
it when I was a kid.

- It really did break down.

- Yeah, where?

- In the junkyard.

- Must be like a homecoming
for you, eh Mike?

- That's exactly where a
horny little punk like that

would park, in a junkyard.

- [Tom Servo] Our proud Viking heritage.

- I hate to burst your
bubble, but it was my idea.

- I ought to put you over my knee,

pull down your britches and
spank the hell out of ya!

- Oh, I always wondered why
you used to spank me so much.

You could get your jollies.

(banjo music)

- (Mike) And the movie
ramps up the repulsion.

- This movie hates us, doesn't it?

- [Tom Servo] Well I better
finish my silverfish en croute.

- Man can't even have any
peace in his own house.

- [Mike] Well, Section 8 owns the house.

- A showered person, thank God!

- [Mike] Guys, it's Della Street.

- [Tom Servo] Whoa!
- [Crow] Oh yeah.

- [Mike] It’s the hotline
to Paul’s operatives.

- Mr. Kester, all your tests are positive.

- Yes, this is Dr. Langer from
Montclaire Observatory again.

I've got a gamma-ray shower

and the barometer has dropped an inch

in less than 20 minutes.

- [Tom Servo] Should I
wear shorts or slacks?

- That's unprecedented, right, right.

And none of the other
phenomena I'm recording

correlate with any previously
observed data in this area.

- [Mike] So I thought we
should cut to Cape Canaveral.

- [Tom Servo] The story
of regional planning.

Careful zoning regulation,
rational development controls.

- The philodendron story!

- [Mike] Polish toilet paper
dispenser, that's great.

I gotta put that up.

- Did I ever tell you, you're gorgeous?

- Not recently.

(laughing)

- Paul, how many times
do I have to tell you

you talk to plants to make them grow?

- Talk to plants?

- Right.

- Not you Vance, you haven't fallen

for that metaphysical nonsense.

- Well my M.O. says that
I am half metaphysics

and half astrophysics.

- Mass is double-wide.

- Now what made you take
the long walk down the hall?

- More freaky stuff
from northern Wisconsin.

- Freaky?
- [Tom Servo] Well, drunk.

- We just got a report in
that's right out of Ripley.

- And what's the source?

- Montclair Observatory,
a Doctor J. Langer.

- Langer?

- [Mike] I like the movie's paneling.

- For openers, we have a
heavy gamma ray shower,

an incredibly fast drop
in barometric pressure,

an aurora with no sun activity
and an amazingly potent,

unknown, ground level x-ray source nearby.

- Who put those pencils up there?

- Paul,

- [Mike] Oh, Paul.

- Didn't we receive a SAC
report on a fouled up B-52?

- Yeah.

- [Tom Servo] Would I
look good in short shorts?

- Was it in the same quadrant?

- I'm too embarrassed to answer sir.

- Oh, you're right.

It was--

- [Mike] Ignore the blood here.

- right here, and then it
disappeared off the radar scope.

- Any report of a crash in that area?

- No.

- [Tom Servo] Can I go?

- What's the closest town?

- Horton.

- Where they hear Whos.

- You better pack your suitcase.

- I'm wearing it old, buddy.

- [Mike] Aw, you're not wearing,
you old son of a (laughs).

- Good, 'cause I've already
arranged your transportation.

- Thanks!

- Grumpy old losers.

- [Dr. Vance] Thanks a lot.

♫ She ran calling wildflower ♫

- [Mike] What a remarkable pig.

(telephone ringing)

- Cut, print, beautiful, we got it.

- [Tom Servo] I heard this
actor got this in one take.

- [Mike] Aw, the bright promise

of a disgusting new character.

- His arm looks like
it's carved out of lard.

- [Tom Servo] It’s Mean Gene Okerlund.

- [Mike] I'm right in the
middle of my heart attack.

- Concierge.

- Seven o'clock already?

- No, it's uh, 6:02.

- Well what,

oh not you again.

- Why don't you just come over?

- Okay, what's up Rider?

- Well we just got a report
from an oil freighter

in the middle of Lake Superior.

- What's an orfa-rater?

- Oh, that's beautiful.

Did you check on the car
ferries on Lake Michigan?

- No, no Vance, this is serious.

A couple of the seamen on board
the ship saw a plane crash,

- [Dr. Vance] Oh?

- [Rider] and it just might be ours.

- Any sign of survivors?

- We don't know.

- Okay Dad, keep in touch.
- [Mike] Dad?

- Oh, uh, Rider.

- [Mike] Oh, there went my heart.

- What time am I supposed to meet this uh,

(snaps fingers)

- [Tom Servo] Your waddle's dripping sir.

- Langer at the observatory?

- You're expected at nine sharp.

- Nine I can make, but if
I don't get some shuteye

I ain't gonna be very sharp.

Bye.

- Goodbye.

- They met discussing hair oils,

they've been friends ever since.

- [Mike] My waddle
needs five more minutes.

- [Mike] 123, 124, 125.

- [Ev] Way past seven already.

- So?

- So when the hell are you
gonna get off your big, fat ass

and go see what happened
in our pasture last night?

- That deserves a thoughtful answer.

- Let me eat my breakfast in peace.

I've got to keep up my strength.

- [Mike] Tearing food stamps is hard.

- What for?

- Ah, the Walmart family.

- The more usual kinds of stars
are what we astronomers call

the main sequence stars,
and they run the gamut

from the blue giants to the red dwarfs.

- [Tom Servo] Like Linda Hunt.

- And then the more fascinating stars

we call abnormal stars.

- Like Linda Hunt.

- Then we have the white dwarfs.

- [Mike] Like Linda Hunt.

- And they have a radius of
less than 1/100ths of our sun's

and a density so great
that even of its matter

- [Tom Servo] Tee hee, tee hee, hee.

would weigh tons and
it could only be lifted

by a giant crane.

- [Crow] I will grow into my beauty.

- Then there are the quasars,
neutron stars and black holes,

or collapsed stars.

- [Mike] Like Robert Downey.

- Now let me show you my conception

of the creation of this universe.

- [Mike, Tom Servo, Crow] No!

- Out of this primordial
fireball the galaxies,

planets and stars of our
universe were created.

- What about the black
UN helicopters, ma’am?

- As you can see,
- [Tom Servo] (snoring Sounds)

- our sun is but one small
star in a galaxy such as this.

- [Mike] Bra snap, toke,

bra snap, bra snap, toke.
- [Dr. Langer] Now a galaxy

- consists of not only the
stars that we've talked about

- [Crow] Petting,

- [Dr. Langer] But also great,
- [Crow] toke, kiss, grope,

- [Dr. Langer] swirling masses
- [Crow] bra snap, snooze,

- [Dr. Langer] of dust and gas
- [Crow] spit ball.

out of which the stars were formed

and to which they ultimately return.

But now let's go back
to the collapsed stars

or the neutron stars,
quasars or black holes.

- [Mike] Oh, let's.
- [Tom Servo] Let's not.

- [Dr. Langer] As we
continue with this series,

you'll learn many things about

- Linda Hunt (mumbling)

(heavy slam)

(creaking)

(beeping)

(slam)

(metal grinding)

- Oh hey Gyps, what happened

to the zucchini throw pillow things

that Mrs. Forrester sent up?

- I put them in a safe place.

- Okay and where's that?

- A place where you would
meet a horrible demise

before laying your
polluting fingers upon them.

- So ya put 'em in Mike's laundry basket?

(all laughing)

- Hey, good one!

- And now you should sleep.

I have prepared warm milk to help you.

- But I'm not tired.

- But all sentient beings,
however inferior, require sleep.

- Uh, you okay Gyps?

- Of course I am Mitchell Nelson.

And now you must sleep.

Perhaps a simple lullaby will aid you.

♫ Close your eyes go to sleep

♫ Be absorbed by the collective ♫

- That's great Gypsy.

Get over here!

What's wrong with Gypsy?

- What are you talking about?

She's no different than usual.

- But listen.

♫ Fade away lose your soul

♫ Be replaced by a drone ♫

Something has taken her over.

- You got one vivid
imagination there, Mike.

- Yeah, kind of paranoid if you ask me.

- Paranoid?

Listen.

♫ Let an evil super
consciousness swallow you whole ♫

There, there, have you
ever heard her sing about

evil super consciousnesses
swallowing us whole?

- Maybe you have a point Mike.

- Nah, I've heard her sing
about that stuff lots of times.

- No, that's not her and
whatever it is wants us

to fall asleep.

We have to stay awake no matter what.

- Are you approaching a state
of relaxing quality sleep yet?

- (laughs nervously)

Just about, we'll be right
with you. (forced laugh)

We'll be right back.

- Maybe we just forgot
her birthday or something.

♫ Surrender all

♫ Give it all ♫

(pop music)

- [Mike] Phew, that was weird.

- [Tom Servo] Oh, man,
I'm going to kill the guy

who invented stairs, ugh.

- I can't, college is being ranch homes.

- [Tom Servo] One heart
attack per landing.

Oh, if I can keep it to the apple.

(breathing heavily)

- [Mike] Sounds like a nice
place, I wish we could see it.

- [Tom Servo] He's entering
through the kitchen at the Copa.

- Obstetrics, endocrinology,
waddle removal,

here it is.

- [Dr. Vance] Hi!

- [Mike] How's everybody doin'?

- Hello.

- [Dr. Vance] I'm Dr.
J.R. Vance from NASA.

- [Tom Servo] Dr. Fansa nansa ansa nan.

- I'm so glad you're here, Doctor.

I'm Jenny Langer.

- Smoker, coffee drinker.

- Nice to meet you.

I have an appointment with your father.

- Oh, no, he passed away in 1952.

- Oh, I'm so sorry, then
the appointment must be

with your husband.

- [Mike] Go Waddle-man!

- I'm not sorry.

Then it's probably with your brother.

- No, my brother's an
interior decorator in Ascot.

You see Dr. Vance, I'm afraid
your appointment is with me.

I'm Dr. Jenny Langer.

- [Tom Servo] Humor of the 1840s.

(light laughter)

- And we have some very
important business to discuss.

- So you've had a sex change?

She’s wearing Supp-Hose,
if I’m not mistaken.

- [Dr. Langer] Ever been here before?

- No, but it's beautiful,
the trees, the green foliage.

- [Servo Tom] It's Aubineau.

- I'm very fond of plants.

- [Dr. Vance] Oh?

- Do you know what we have at NASA?

- Know what?

- Green tile and chrome.

- [Dr. Langer] (laughs)
You don't look the type.

- Such a nice day and they are wasting it

making this movie.

- Well Doctor, you want to clue me in?

- I'd certainly like to.

You see, it was after the
lecture last night, Mr. Vance,

that I suddenly discovered

there were many peculiar things happening.

- [Tom Servo] So, you're a woman.

- Yeah, like the gamma
ray shower, the aurora

and the barometer
dropping like Wall Street.

- Exactly, and that's when I made

those urgent calls to NASA.

Frankly speaking, I'm very concerned.

- [Mike] She dresses like Johnny Carson.

- Well frankly speaking Doctor--

- I want to see that
pant suit hit the floor.

- so is the United States government.

- [Tom Servo] Let's go to mass.

- I'm still measuring an X-ray shower

from the ground level

at a magnitude never
before measured on earth,

except in nuclear explosions.

- [Mike] Well I gotta
clean out the pre-filter

and then I'll be back, okay?

- [It could be an abortive
strike from a unfriendly power.

- Oh come on!

You don't think a missile landed here?

- Oh, that's one possibility, yes.

- [Tom Servo] Up yours!

- It could have been a falling
object like a meteorite,

not a missile.

- [Dr. Vance] Doctor, a
meteorite would have made

a tremendous explosion.

- Hey Dad, how do you like my first web?

- Hello Doctor.

- Anything new?

- Nothing.

- Oh, Mary this is Mr. Vance from NASA,

Mary Johnson.

- Hello Mary.

- [Mike] I suppose you're a woman too.

- Doctor, your water is boiling.

- Mary must have forgotten it.

Would you like some tea?

- Tea?

That's not my brand.

- Here are the reports from last night.

- [Tom Servo] Shot on location
in Ms. Herburbur's bio class.

- [Dr. Langer] Now let's
see what happens today.

- Divide by 10 in minutes!

Add up to three columns in an hour.

(beeping)

- [Mike] Your order is number 57.

Please pull ahead.

- I see the salad wasn't included, huh?

(mechanical clicking)

- [Tom Servo] So the one thing they mic

is the adding machine.

- Oof.

- [Mike] Did you beef?

- Look at this.

- Wow.

- A lot of crappies down there.

- The radiation level is still high.

- Mm-hmm.

- Whatever landed hasn't gone away.

- [Tom Servo] Are you
as turned off as I am?

- [Mike] Oh, having another heart attack.

- You know Doctor, I think
I will have that tea.

(electronic beeping)

- It's always funny
when you turn down tea,

then you decide you want tea.

(laughter)

- [Tom Servo] Greg Norman at the Masters.

- [Dan] I told you there
was nothing out here.

- [Mike] Shh!

The flowers are listening.

- [Dan] See there's nothing.

- [Ev] So why are you carrying your gun?

- Aw, shut up!

♫ There is love ♫

- [Ev] Teaching you to run a farm

is like trying to teach
an ox to use a typewriter.

♫ There is love ♫

Ever since you've been running the place

everything has gone wrong.

- Whoop, plot hole!

- (screams)

- [Mike] Got milk?

- Now watch this.

- I’m gonna put on a
dashiki and blow your mind.

(electronic sounds)
- See?

♫ Ooh what a lucky man he was

♫ Dee do do, dee do, do,
dee, do, do, dee, do, do ♫

- I just don't understand it.

- [Mike] The things I can
do with my Spirograph.

- Those radiation levels
are far too lethal.

Anyone anywhere near
the initial impact point

would be in great danger.

- What would be the safest way

to find the exact point of impact?

- Have you do it.

- Maybe we could use a helicopter.

- No, that would be too dangerous.

- But...

- Doctor,

- [Tom Servo] He's got a hatchet wound.

- We have already lost one airplane crew.

- I didn't know that.

- [Mike] 30 lashes with a wet noodle.

- [Dr. Vance] Well,
- [Dr. Langer] Well,

- back to the tea.

- There it is again!

Boom!
(laughter)

- [Tom Servo] Oh, a McRib
sandwich with McFlies.

- [Dan] There's another one!

- [Mike] Were we supposed
to be feeding the cattle?

- Well, Betsy had been depressed,

but I didn't think she would do this.

- [Tom Servo] Come on, moo!

Moo, damn it!

- I can't tell what kind of critter

could have done that.

- [Mike] Cow tipping gone horribly wrong.

- Eight dead cows and a calf.

You realize what this is going to cost us?

- It ain't going to cost us nothing.

- Nine dead animals ain't
gonna cost us nothing?

- You're so dumb, you
wouldn't know rabbit turds

from Rice Krispies.

- Snap crackle poop.

- I'll butcher up the
meat like I always do

and I'll sell it to Dutch's Cafe.

- [Tom Servo] Or to Jack in the Box.

- You don't even know
what killed those cows.

There might be something
horrible wrong with the meat.

- Well that's Dutch's look out, not mine.

- [Mike] Brought to you
by the Pork Council.

- [Tom Servo] Dutch's
Cafe, on the Belt Line.

- I've never seen so much
fouled up data in my life.

It's against every known law of physics.

- Except that one that I don't know.

- Well, we've tried to brainstorm it.

- [Mike] We've tried scrubbing it out.

- And it just won't brainstorm.

- Right.

♫ Take your pantsuit from your back ♫

- What are we going to do?

- Ghostbusters!

- [Mike] Yeah, let's go down
to Dutch's for some meatloaf.

- Doctor?

- Mm-hmm.

- Do you have a Geiger counter?

- Yeah, in the other office.

- Good.

- [Tom Servo] Well whoopee for you!

- Let's see if your local
sheriff will support us.

- Sheriff Jones?

(laughs) Our jolly red giant?

I know just where he is, let's go.

- Anyway 6th hour bio
lab is about to start.

They need the room.

- You're going to love him.

You know he believes
in Velikovsky's theory,

that the moon came out
of the Pacific Ocean.

- [Dr. Vance] So do I.

- [Mike] You know, I
just don't look at that

table that often, you know.

Just occasionally, really
it's kind of a periodic table.

- I love summer in Wisconsin you know.

Meat rotting in the fields.

♫ The hills are alive

♫ with the stink of that guy

♫ His back brace is smelly ♫

- 13, Dutch isn't going
to want that much meat.

- So I'll freeze some of it
up and sell it too him later.

- [Tom Servo] Honey, I don't feel fresh.

- Hey, look at this.

- I could distill it and drink it.

- I've never seen a rock
like that around here.

- [Mike] You know, this movie tested well

with sexual predators.

- [Tom Servo] Maybe it's breadfruit.

- Honey, let’s play
William Burroughs and Joan.

- [Mike] These two have every
Married with Children on tape.

- [Tom Servo] Well maybe
we never planted corn.

- Wow, look at that.

I told you something
landed here last night.

- There’s a 747 just sitting there!

- [Mike] We got giant prairie dogs.

- [Tom Servo] Mork of Ork was
taken to St. Mary’s Hospital

but pronounced dead on arrival.

- I don't know, you can't
tell from the outside.

- I better climb in
one and see what it is.

- [Mike] Maybe they're round arrowheads.

- [Tom Servo] I'll juggle
my way back to his heart.

- And the giant spider
invasion begins now!

- [Mike] Now!
- [Tom Servo] Now!

And now, begin.

(instrumental pop music)

- And good morning to you all.

- [Tom Servo] Mike, there's a young you!

- [Sheriff] Hey, Helga,

you're looking bright-eyed
and bushy tailed.

You must have had some kind of
a heavy date last night, huh?

- You better believe it.

- One of the loggers?

- That's my secret.

- (laughs)

- [Mike] What a delightful pig I am.

- Ah, Dutch, you got that
Limburger cheese smile

on your face again this morning.

- [Mike] What?

- Have trouble last night?

- Yeah.

- One of the loggers?

- What does that mean?

- I don't know, I had trouble myself.

- [Mike] Just random words.

- It seemed like everybody
was calling up with some

cockamamie little thing.

A car wouldn't start,
the radio wouldn't work

and that preacher man, he kept
everybody awake last night.

- When does that gospel wonga go on?

- I don't know, but I'll
tell you, he may work for God

but he sure hollers like the Devil.

(laughing)

- Oh Alan!

I gotta go drain the little buddy,

I'll be right back.

- Breakfast is ready.

- [Tom Servo] Here's your steak and eggs

with deep fried butter.

- Welcome to Hooters.

- [Mike] Well, my thumb is clean off now.

- Nope, it's not going to work.

Go get me a hammer.

- [Tom Servo] No wonder I was constipated.

- These are not a lovely
bunch of coconuts.

- [Mike] We're out of gin.

- Not that one, the big one.

- [Tom Servo] Stanley.

- And a chisel.

- I don't care what you
use, just hit the guy.

- [Mike] It’s the lead
singer of the Spin Doctors.

- Here's your liver honey.

I packed it nice.

- Get it yourself.

- [Mike] I’m glad he’s not a moil.

- [Tom Servo] Honey, MIT called.

(mimics ape grunts)

- Man, this floor is disgusting!

- You never were any good with a tool.

- [Mike] Ah, the Ropers.

- Hey look!

- [Tom Servo] My toenail finally fell off.

- It split.

- [Tom Servo] Here, let me see.

- They look like diamonds.

- I don't know.

- [Tom Servo] Let’s get Mikey to try it.

- May not be hard enough to be a diamond.

- Don't hit it no, no.

Diamonds are supposed to cut glass.

- That's right.

- They're supposed to,
but they're too damn lazy.

- [Mike] You see, he remembers that

from his last year of school in 3rd grade.

- [Tom Servo] Too bad their windows

are made from cellophane and duct-tape.

- Aryan Nation rules.

- Look at that.

- [Mike] I made a R.

- [Tom Servo] (humming
Gilligan’s Island theme)

- [Voiceover] Hello?

- Hi Dr. Langer.

How are you this morning?

Would you join me please?

- Round o' bacon!

I'm buying.

- This your brother from Ascot?

- No this is Dr. Vance from NASA.

- Hello Sheriff.

- NASA, National Aeronautics
and Space Administration,

that NASAU?

- [Tom Servo] No, Long Island.

- Yes, but it's NASA.

Houston, Texas.

- Sheriff, we have to talk to you

about last night's disturbances.

- Say no more.

I'll get that preacher man
to tone it down tonight.

- No, no, I don't mean that disturbance.

- Oh, no?

Pardon me Doctor.

- [Mike] There's a crumb
I didn't eat there.

- One of our local spiders. (laughs)

- So it's stupid and smells of beer sweat?

- Hey what's that gizmo?

- [Tom Servo] It's my pacemaker.

- It's a Geiger counter.

- A Geiger counter!

Well we don't have any
Geigers around here.

Never did have in these parts.

- [Mike] (laughs sarcastically) Kill him.

- No Sheriff you misunderstand me.

See, Dr. Geiger invented
this to count the nuclear--

- Oh Vance, Vance, I have
a feeling the Sheriff

is putting you on.

I'm sure he's taken physics.

- Oh I used to take physics,
but now I find that--

- Uh, joke coming in!

- prunes do the better job for me.

- (painful groans)

- We're going to be rich.

- What do you mean we?

- [Tom Servo] You, me and booze.

- This farm is mine.

Everything that's on it is mine.

- [Mike] Every dead cow.

- Nobody ever found
diamonds around here before.

I think they came out of that

weird fireball thing last night.

- (burping and farting sounds)

- Take these into cousin
Billy at the Rock Shop.

- [Tom Servo] Billy!

- He can tell me just
exactly what they're worth.

- But don't you tell cousin
Billy where you found them.

That'll be our secret.

- [Tom Servo] Alvino, honey, I love you.

- Don't look at me like that Dan,

you and me are going to be rich.

- [Mike] Think of the toilet you can buy.

- Dan that's not fair.

I never meant any of those nasty things

I used to say to you.

I was just teasing.

- I'm going to call off this invasion.

This place is just not worth it.

- [Tom Servo] (burps) It’s them
welfare moms sucking us dry.

- [Dave] Hi Dr. Langer,
good morning Sheriff.

- [Sheriff] Morning.
- [Dr. Langer] Hello dear.

- [Dave] May I join you?

- Please.

- Thank you.

- This is Dave Perkins, his
father runs the local newspaper.

- [Crow] He’s Mrs. Pynchon.

- Hello Dave, nice to see you.

- Dr. Vance from NASA.

- NASA huh?

- NASA, Houston.

- [Mike] Where they have a problem.

- What brings you here?

Anything I can publish in the paper?

- That's classified.

- Well, I'll put it in
the Classified section.

- (laughs) Well that's safe enough.

Nobody reads your ads anyway.

- [Tom Servo] The fun Sheriff.

- Uh, Dave, could I speak
to you for a moment?

- [Dave] Sure Dr. Vance.

- But no touching.

- Excuse us a moment.

- [Mike] Now, do you recommend
the chicken fried steak

or the walleye cheeks?

- Pudding!

- [Tom Servo] Yeah, you
can borrow my shirt.

- Is he always that serious?

- Well, he has something to
be serious about at this time.

- You know, I wonder if

what happened to Terry and I last night

had something to do with
what you're talking about.

- What?

- What happened to you and Terry?

- First base, woo!

- Well we were parked by the junkyard.

The lights went, they went dead,

the radio wouldn't work and
the engine wouldn't start.

A wind came up and started, I don't know,

everything just went wrong.

- [Tom Servo] Thoughtful or hungry?

You decide.

- [Mike] Hour three of the invasion.

We took the refrigerator.

- Thanks for breakfast
ma'am, I'll clean up.

- [Mike] The doctor should
have been more specific

when he told her to get plenty of fluids.

(dog whimpering sound)

- [Mike] Honey, I need changing again.

- You're hitting the booze again, huh?

- Leave me alone I feel terrible.

This place is full of spiders.

- Yeah, I know, little pink ones.

- No, no, big, big, black
hairy ones, with furry legs.

- No that's me.

- Uh huh.

Lay off the booze Ev, and they'll go away.

- [Mike] You know, in her
defense, laying off the booze

would mean seeing him sober.

- That's true.

(telephone ringing)

- [Mike] Doughy has-been.

- Hello, Sheriff's Office.

Oh, yes Mrs. Cooper, how are you?

- [Tom Servo] Pancakes?

I'll be right over.

- Missing?

- Well where are you?

Well take a good look around
and that's where you would be.

- When did you see him last?

- [Mike] 1953?

- You haven't seen him since last night?

We'll I'd be glad to drive
out and take a look for him.

What color is his motorcycle?

- [Tom Servo] Personally,
I've never been able to

start seeing motorcycles.

- Come on dear, please, stop worrying.

I'm sure he'll turn up safe and sound.

I'll be there after my pre-lunch snack.

- Yes, I'll get in touch with you.

Right, bye.

(instrumental pop music)

- Boy, how come you only get tired

when you have to stay awake

to avoid being replaced by an
evil pod creature, huh Servo?

Servo!

- Yarg! I am awake Mike, I can stay awake.

I just need a little shut eye.

- No!

No no no no, don't pass out on me now.

We have to stay awake
to avoid being replaced

by a pod creature from
Gypsy's evil doppelganger.

- Ah, please Mike, doo-pel-uh-gen-gur.

I'm of the umlaut, Doopleginger.

- Doopleging, doopleging.

- Round the lips.

- I'll round your lips now, Crow.

- I'm fine, I'm fine ah Mike.

A French roast, a
v-v-Vivarin, uh diet pills,

Mountain Dew, Jolt, Watered Joes,

Surge, chocolate covered espresso beans,

M & M's and I'm listening to Nitzer Ebb

and I'm fine Mike, really I'm fine.

- Alright, Okay.

Just don't uh, don't explode,

I'm going to check in on the planet here.

- (groaning) Oh, hi Nelson.

Just getting the last of these ticks off.

- Bobo, is that you?

I mean really you?

- No, It's John Shuck on a bad hair day.

Of course it's me!

And I'm fine, but these two, hoo hoo hoo,

they really love their zucchinis.

In fact they're packing them up

so that they can deliver zucchinis

to their friends all over the galaxy.

- Now, listen very carefully Bobo,

those pods grow aliens
who replace your body.

If they're loading them into the truck

that means the whole
galaxy could be in danger.

- Oh come now.

Just because they load a bunch
of zucchini throw pillows

onto a truck doesn't mean they're trying

to take over the galaxy.

Preposterous.

Typical of you with your back

and your bra and hand blenders.

Look, I'll just ask her.

Oh say, law giver, now are those evil pods

and are you trying to
take over the galaxy?

- Yes and yes.

Excuse me please.

- Oh.

Well I guess I can see

how you could misconstrue that Nelson,

but I'm still not convinced.

- What do you mean you don't?

Look, calm down, look just do me a favor

and try taking one of those
pods off the truck, okay?

- Alright, I'll humor you.

Let me see if I can grab
one of these babies here,

there we go.

I don't remember taking
another one of those with me.

Well now this is odd.

And she did say she wanted to
take over the galaxy and...

- (screeches)

- Nelson, I see your point,
you may be onto something.

The universe is in danger
but don't you worry,

No sirree Bob, I'm on the job!

I'll stop these two wretched creatures

and foil their little plan.

(muffled speaking)

(heart beating)
- Well again, we're doomed.

- What's that horrible thumping?

It's my heart, I think I'm, I think I'm,

- He's going to blow!

(warning buzzer sounding)
- It's movie time!

(bang)

(mechanical whirring)

(thud)

(beeping)

(metal creaking)

- Hurry up, hurry up you guys!

Please.

- [Mike] Alas, poor Yorick, woo-hee!

- I'm gonna pre-bury myself

to save time after I die.

(crazy laughing)

- He's a freelance Pooper Scooper.

- [Mike] They whacked the Crypt Keeper.

- Whatever it is, it's
drizzled with chocolate sauce.

- [Mike] Honey, you up?

- George Hamilton finally over tans.

Death of a kabuki actor.

- [Tom Servo] Coroner need to know?

Nah.

- I'd like to say a few
words, um, this guy is dead.

The end.

- [Mike] Well, happy Arbor Day.

- [Tom Servo] What was that
waiter’s name in Paris?

Jean-Luc!

- [Mike] Hey Gary, does this strike you as

a really gross planet we're invading?

- [Tom Servo] Wait what am I doing, geez.

- [Mike] You okay?

- I'm coming down, thanks.

- [Mike] They keep their
garbage in the refrigerator?

- [Tom Servo] An afternoon
with Sondra Locke.

- I'm not looking, repeat,

not looking at the
contents of the blender.

- [Mike] These people
are really the backbone

of your casino based economy.

- What's the matter with you?

- I just caught a glimpse of myself

in the hallway mirror.

- [Mike] If I know that spider,

it’s not a virgin Bloody Mary.

- Woo hoo.

- [Tom Servo] Wee!

- We still on for the
Richard Feynman lecture?

- You look like you could use a drink.

- [Tom Servo] And a shower, and a job.

- I found another body.

- [Mike] Good, yours is
getting pretty gross.

- Another cow?

- A human body.

- It was walking along the
street and I killed it.

- A person?

- [Tom Servo] And Dutch would only give me

39 cents a pound.

- But it was chewed up
worse than them cattle.

- [Mike] Funny, I used
to like things like that.

- We have to call the sheriff.

- Are you out of your mind?

I buried that body and
I hid the motorcycle.

No one will ever know.

- You're crazy.

- We can't let that sheriff
come nosing around here.

He could find the diamonds

and all that grass we're growing.

- [Tom Servo] Wands are
illegal in Wisconsin?

- You sound like you've been
smoking the stuff yourself.

- Whoa, my Bloody Mary has legs!

♫ Waa-waa-waa, waa-waa-waa-waa ♫

- [Mike] Charlotte is
doing bachelor parties now.

- [Tom Servo] Pa pom, pa pom, pa pom.

- The family in Tobacco Road
had a nicer farm than this.

- [Mike] Hey, pal, you
got any curds and whey?

- [Tom Servo] He’s doing
kind of a grunge Amish look.

- My assignment: Take out the greasy hick

with extreme prejudice.

- [Mike] I'm proud to be a crap farmer.

- [Tom Servo] Please sir,
you're standing on my wife.

- Shine mister?

(raven caws)

- [Mike] Why is he cawing?

- [Tom Servo] I attempted the north face

of Mount Cheesehead.

- [Mike] Gee, Mr. Touchy wigs out.

- Hoo, Ha, missed me!

Hoo! (laughs)

- Every creeping thing that
creepeth upon the Earth

shall be an abomination!

- [Tom Servo] Gotta nip it in the bud!

- [Preacher] Only the pure
of heart shall be spared.

- Spider's barbecue got out of control.

- Oh it's you.

- [Mike] Don Juan de Stinko.

- I told ya I could come again tonight.

- No. (groans)

- How'd you swing it honey?

- Well I told the lush
that I had to come in

and see my cousin about some hot rocks.

- [Mike, Tom Servo, Crow] (groaning)

- Come on in, let's do your taxes.

(Tom Servo hums "Dueling
Banjos" by Arthur Smith)

- [Mike] That's a cute room.

And the whiskey bottle,
just the right touch.

- Is this Annette Benning’s
bedroom from In Style magazine?

- [Tom Servo] She ran out of liquor,

so she’s drinking her Jean Nate.

- [Mike] No, that's the bed!

- The Martha Stewart we never see.

- [Tom Servo] I'll hang
those up over there.

- [Mike] The spiders
using all eight eyes now,

I can tell you that.

♫ I enjoy being a victim ♫

Invade!

G-guys, guys?

♫ I feel shaky

♫ Oh so trembly

♫ I’ve had whiskey and vodka and gin ♫

- [Mike] The house is
decorated with the special

Jim Varney Signature Collection.

- [Tom Servo] You and I are very alike.

Join me!

- [Mike] This invasion
is awfully sluggish.

It's more like a minor spider unrest.

- Maybe if I left him little love notes,

throw pork rinds on the bed.

- [Mike] I'm seeing two beds!

Oh, there are.

- Is there a Japanese tea ceremony

taking place next door?

- [Tom Servo] Tonight
the battle came through

in a big way, hoo!

- [Mike] What was I doing?

I wasn't drinking there for a second.

- [Tom Servo] Are we panning
down to her ab Roller?

What the hell is going on?

- Bill Rebane's trademark,

a shot of crumpled underpants.

- [Mike] What's that?

If you insist, I'll have a drink, thanks.

Does the Fonz usually sleep here

with his head against the wall?

- Well, I'm feeling better.

At least I'm not seeing spiders tonight.

- [Tom Servo] Well, gotta get
up early to start drinking.

- I need a new pillow.

And bed.

House.

Husband.

Life.

- [Tom Servo] Tora tora tora!

- [Mike] Spider, cut it out honey.

I'm tired.

- Every night his legs are all over me.

- [Tom Servo] Securing butt, over.

I wish they hadn't led us
down the giant spider path

if they couldn't deliver one.

- [Mike] I think they were
saying that a giant spider

would be nice but as an alternative

please consider our little movie.

- Music budget ran out.

- (screams

- [Tom Servo] We're your
dirty socks, wash us!

- Giant puppet invasion.

(screaming)

- [Mike] Yeah, I know lady,
it's not my web, honest.

I'm caught in this thing too.

- Tonight, on a very special Waltons,

Mary Ellen runs around in her underwear.

- [Mike] Mr. Lincoln, Mr. Lincoln!

Abe!

- Okay let's see, it's
darker in here, danker.

No there won't be any
spiders in here, no siree.

(screaming)

- My novelty throw pillow!

- [Mike] I’m a Woozle,
and my name is Peanut.

- It’s morning in America.

The back braces are a little sturdier.

- [Tom Servo] The morning
gin tastes a little smoother.

- Hey you forgot something.

- No, I got it on.

- Your hard drugs.

- Oh, thank you.

I always give you a big tip.

- [Mike] Here's your navel lint.

- Thank you darling.

- [Tom Servo] So this
is how Heidi turned out.

(instrumental pop music)

- [Tom Servo] Back braces
steamed and cleaned, here it is.

- [Mike] My old boss Mr. Gower.

- Cousin Dan.

- Cousin Eddie.

- What brings you to town?

Hey, how's that hot little tomato

you're raising out there, huh?

- [Tom Servo] Does he raise tomatoes?

- Terry is way overripe for picking.

- [Tom Servo] I didn't
know he raised tomatoes.

- Terry's turning bad, I
can't control her anymore.

- Well, she needs a
gentle hand, like mine.

- [Tom Servo, Mike, Crow] (retching)

- Here I got something I want to show you.

What is that?

- That?

That's a geode.

That's not from around here.

- So let's beat it up!

- You must have found that
down south someplace huh?

- Take a look at these.

Just how good are these diamonds here?

- [Tom Servo] Are they worth two months

of my welfare checks?

- [Mike] The diamond anniversary ring.

Tell her you’d marry her
right out of high school

all over again.

- [Tom Servo] Oh, just
seeing an old fingernail

with dirt under it.

Oh, wait that's mine.

- So, seen Leatherface around here lately?

- Now, just between you and me,

- Yeah?

- (blows raspberry)

- [Tom Servo] Sir, you offend me!

- They're industrial quality.

I mean the carbon content
isn't nearly as high

as a real diamond, a ring type diamond.

- [Mike] Charles Manson, jeweler.

- How much are they worth?

- Well, let's just say, if you
had a bucket full of these,

a barrel full of these,

- [Tom Servo] You’d be a fat cheesehead

with a barrel full of these.

- Yeah, you might be rich.

Where'd you find these?

- Let's just say they fell out of the sky.

- Ha ha, well met my friend!

This battle of wits is over.

(electronic humming)

♫ Ooh, what a lucky man he was ♫

- What's going on now?

- [Dr. Langer] Those satellite reports

you asked Paul Rider to send.

- [Mike] Oh, goodie.

Back to the really unappealing characters.

- Let me see that.

- [Tom Servo] Dear Chunkhead,
well that's not nice!

- Latitude 45 degrees 21 minutes west.

Correction north.

Longitude 88 degrees 42 minutes west,

that's more than a couple of square miles.

- I know.

- Can we pinpoint it closer than that?

- Not from Telcom.

I'm afraid you're going to
have to use a helicopter.

- [Mike] (laughs) Let's have some tea.

- [Crow] Tea.

- Okay.

- [Tom Servo] There must be an easier way

to find the Angler's Bar.

- Paul Rider please.

- Paul Reiser!

This is a horror movie!

(dog barking)

- [Mike] Ed Wood’s Lolita.

- Where the hell is Ev?

- I don't know.

- [Mike] Oh, she's putting out

birth control pills for winter.

Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

- [Crow] Why is it so
neat and clean in here?

- [Tom Servo] You don't even
try to make it look like

a real police car.

- [Mike] Real stories of
the fake highway patrol.

- Always let your car settle for a minute.

- [Tom Servo] The new
Alan Hale action figure!

He sits down, he snacks,
he sits down again.

He farts, he drives, he
comes with his own lunch.

- [Mike] Action Alan Hale

and Action Alan Hale's
gut sold separately.

- [Sheriff] Hello!

- Walking Tall 3: The
High Cholesterol Years.

- Hi Sheriff.

- Hi Terry.

Is Dan to home?

- [Mike] Well, he's at home.

- Dan!

- I suppose you’re wondering

what’s eating Gilbert Grape.

- [Mike] Hey, I’m looking
for a new Gilligan.

You interested?

- Hi Dan, I'm checking out
a missing persons report.

Mrs. Cooper asked me to find
her husband and his motorcycle.

Now she says he goes by here a lot

and he's been missing
for a day and a half.

Have you seen a motorcycle around here?

- Nope.

- Well that closes the case.

- [Mike] And the invasion's been crushed.

- Terry, you and Dave seen a motorcycle?

- Uh-uh.

- How 'bout Ev?

- Drunk as a skunk.

- Where is she?

- I don't know and I don't care.

- If either of you two
see or remember anything,

give me a jingle will you?

- [Tom Servo] Good
people, salt of the Earth.

- Boy that chopper makes
nearly as much noise

as that preacher man.

- [Mike] That must be the chopper

to give him a lift back to his car.

- [Tom Servo] There's a white trash spill

out on old Possum Junction.

- Hello, woman in white
pantsuit, can you read me?

Over.

- [Pilot] I've located
a radioactive source,

extremely high intensity.

- [Mike] And chocolaty.

- Can you pinpoint?

- [Pilot] I'm over Bundy
Road and Copper Lake.

- That's near the Kester place.

- Shut up punk.

- What does it look like?

- [Pilot] A whole pasture down there is...

- [Mike] The pilot is
Charlie Brown’s teacher.

- [Pilot] Do you read me?

It's like I'm looking through
the bottom of a Coke bottle.

I mean it's blurred and twisted.

- Get a picture of it.

- [Mike] Get some wallet-size.

- Get a picture of it and
rush it to the lab huh.

- [Pilot] Okay, will do.

- Another family vacation ruined.

- [Mike] That's a pretty
good drawing of the spider

but I think they only have eight legs.

- It fits.

It's a space warp alright.

This must be the only energy
photogram of it's kind.

- What's a space warp?

- [Mike] We made it up.

- Dave, a space warp is a
gravitational pool, so intense,

that it makes a black hole in space.

- [Tom Servo] Like Linda Hunt!

- There's only one thing I know of

that could cause a warp like this.

- A miniature black hole.

- Could it happen?

- Could the movie get even worse?

- With a billion black
holes in our galaxy,

it's a wonder it hasn't happened before.

- [Tom Servo] About
time they got it going.

- Dr. Vance, Dr. Langer, I've
got to be going, thank you.

- Bye Dave.

- Move on to our next guest now.

- Everything fits Einstein's
general theory of relativity.

- [Mike] Goodbye Dave.

- If a dead star
collapsed all its masses--

- [Tom Servo] A whole bunch of its masses.

- the star would gradually
shrink to a point--

- And disappear into another universe.

- Right, a parallel universe
with a door back and forth.

- That sucks everything up.

- And throws everything out.

- Like the Sheriff.

- This may be our problem.

Where is this Kester farm.

- It's somewhere in the Harrison
Hills area right in here.

- [Crow] Paul and I brought
his operatives out there

for a picnic once.

- [Mike] Johnny Crappleseed.

- [Crow] Paul infected bunion.

- [Tom Servo] Old MacDonald had a cyst.

- [Mike] Aw, poor guy.

Nobody came out to the
ground-breaking for his new outhouse.

- A subterranean elephant!

♫ Away out here they’ve got a name

♫ For stinky hairy white guys ♫

- [Mike] I always thought
Mennonites had more dignity.

- [Tom Servo] Mike, if I
should slip into a comma

during this movie, please, please

do not take any extraordinary
measures to revive me.

Thank you.

- [Mike] Okay.

- This guy and Junior Samples

were in Greater Tuna together.

Hello!

Hello.

- [Tom Servo] Hey watch it,
you dumb old spider you!

- If it had not been the
Lord who was on our side,

then they had swallowed us up quickly.

- I'm drooling I know.

I'm sorry.

- [Preacher] Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

- [Tom Servo] Does it matter
that the spider ate him

with its butt?

- [Mike] No, I think it
seems suitable for this guy.

- Can you imagine how many interns it took

to pull that guy up into the spider?

- Can I get off early tonight?

- Not before nine, why?

- I have an aunt coming in from Wauwasota.

- Well if it's the same
aunt as last night,

tell her she left a hickey on your neck.

- [Tom Servo] My aunt is K.D. Lang, okay?

- Hey Dutch!

What are you going to do
about those damn spiders?

- We'll try to get the
preacher to exercise them.

- They're getting enough exercise already.

- [Mike] The Dutch and Helga show!

- Oh boy.

- You can see why Frank Lloyd Wright

wanted to live in Wisconsin.

- [Tom Servo] Here give me that.

They're going to need all of that.

- [Mike] Hey, you want
to make some crop circles

while we’re here?

(instrumental pop music)

♫ Helter skelter ♫

- Okay I'm in the seat,
Larry's on the wheel.

Press the gas down.

- [Mike] Scatter!

Incoming butt!

♫ Have you seen the little piggies ♫

- [Mike] There goes the
town's diamond broker.

- [Tom Servo] Ow, what's the matter?

I said I'd give you gas money.

- See what happens when you don't check

your blind spot?

- [Mike] Oh no, a spider
the size of a Buick’s

attacking his Buick.

I distinctly heard him say.

- [Tom Servo] Wouldn't you know
it, he's out of wiper fluid.

- [Mike] Please sir, just
show me your registration.

- [Tom Servo] I wonder who he bequeathed

his Wet Willie albums to.

- I hate it when a movie kills off

a beloved character.

- [Tom Servo] This is great though.

- [Mike] I can't wait to tell
my friends about this one.

Oh, wait, I'm a friendless drifter.

- [Tom Servo] Like he'd resist
anything near his pants.

(screaming)

- [Mike, Tom Servo, Crow]
Packers! Whoo! Go Packers!

- Honey, I'm home!

[Tom Servo] Honey, the
Packers won the Superbowl!

- [Mike] I’m starting to wish
the South would rise again,

and crush the North.

- Uh-oh, his hair started a grease fire.

- [Mike] You know guys,

I know this makes it all look pretty bad,

but there are a lot of good
things that come from Wisconsin

you know, fireworks,
cheese, and fireworks.

- [Tom Servo] Does Captain
Stubing know you dress

like that, Vicki?

- He'd been kicking on
the side of his geode

for hours.

- [Mike] (yawns) I'm
up, I'm up, I'm ready.

- [Tom Servo] Bedroom secure,
moving on to panty drawer.

- (screams)

- I'm used to rats and roaches, but this!

- (screaming)

(screaming)

- I said no starch.

- [Tom Servo] Packers won the Superbowl!

Yay!

- Billy Kester's car just blew up.

- He's dead?

- Yeah, he sure is.

Deader than a door nail.

You know Dave, a lot of strange things

are happening around here.

- Yeah I know, Dutch.

Can I use your phone?

- Sure, use my private one in the back.

- Thanks Dutch.
- [Dutch] Okay.

- So that's Dutch.

- [Dr. Langer] This should be the area.

- [Mike] For what, I'm not sure.

- [Tom Servo] This guy
blows up his neck waddles

to attract women.

- Oh Phil, I'm only wearing one pantsuit.

- [Dr. Vance] No count here.

- [Dr. Langer] There has to be something.

- Well, it's a normal
count, nothing dangerous.

- Kester phone is dead.

- [Mike] Didn't we just do this scene?

Deja vu.

- Listen, I think I'm
going to go on out there.

- Okay.

- [Tom Servo] Man he's something.

When I was a kid, I
never went on out there.

- [Mike] I wish I could express my love

more openly and freely to my wife.

- [Tom Servo] One of this year's

most innovative new chefs, Dutch.

- Bob, Carl, Jack, Peter!

- [Tom Servo] Wanna dance?
- [Dutch] Listen!

(screaming)

- [Mike] At least she'll
be wrapped in something.

- [Tom Servo] Bill Rebane
movie maker and feminist.

- Snuffleupagus, no!

- [Mike] Just when things were
really looking up for her.

- [Tom Servo] I put on
too much Indian Earth!

- [Mike] Just looking
for a clean glass here.

- [Tom Servo] This actually
perks the place up.

- Any comments from you local shrubbery?

- [Tom Servo] You know
what might help this scene,

is if they were in bikini
underpants and a halter top.

- [Mike] I don't know.

- [Mike] Well, ma'am we
have the demolition permit

right here.

I'm sure this is the right place.

- [Dr. Langer] Vance?

- Yeah?

- [Dr. Langer] What was that?

- [Tom Servo] It was
commerce, tourism and industry

coming together in beautiful Wisconsin.

- [Dr. Vance] I don't hear anything.

- I married a land surveyor.

- [Tom Servo] Oh, here
comes a Duke of Hazzard.

- [Mike] It's everyone I ever
went to high school with.

- I'm sure.

Any of you ladybugs have any
comments about the spider?

(gunshots)

- [Tom Servo] You shot Ben!

(gunshot)

- [Mike] No, it's spider season
and we didn't wear orange.

- That sounded like a high-powered rifle.

- This isn't hunting season.

- Come on!

Let's get out of here.

- [Mike] No one hunts out
of season in Wisconsin.

- [Tom Servo] He thought I was dead.

- This is one of those
prestigious gated communities.

(Mike makes car engine sounds)

Jim's Girl Salvage.

- [Tom Servo] Ah, greasy guys
carrying unconscious girls,

comfortable 2 pm beer buzz,
you homesick yet, Mike?

- [Mike] Ha ha, that's very funny.

His Haggar pants have a waistband
with repressed memories.

- (screaming)

- [Tom Servo] Please consider my legs

when cleaning your pipe.

(laughter)

- There goes the last shred of dignity.

- [Mike] Barbara Hale and
Doughy Guy in The Defiant Ones.

(suspenseful music)

Thrill as he doesn’t reduce
speed when approaching

Elroy, Danbury, Tomah.

- Oh God!

- You rolled on me!

- [Mike] When this is over
they deserve a lot of linies,

some deep fried cheese
curds and funnel cakes.

- [Tom Servo] Nigel Tufnel’s
playing a guitar solo.

- We’ve got to get to PetSmart

to buy a box of enormous flies!

- [Tom Servo] This can’t be Wisconsin,

there’s no billboards for
Tommy Bartlett’s water show.

- [Crow] Room service.

- [Tom Servo] Uh, what
should I be doing back here?

Oh, I'm sorry that was like.

- What if they ran into another patient?

They'd have to back all the way up.

- [Mike] The Shroud of Debbie.

- [Tom Servo] With this
mucilage, I thee wed.

- Here, Doctor.

- Thank you.

- All hell's broken loose.

It's going to be hard
to keep the lid on now.

- Yeah, we know all about it Sheriff.

May I have another one, please?

- Yeah, sure.

My stomach is doing flip flops.

We just brought back what
was left of Joe Cooper.

- He's the Earpy Sheriff

with the delicate constitution.

- Ah, Sheriff, if your
stomach can handle it--

- [Mike] I'd like to show
you my vasectomy scar.

- we've got a 50 foot spider
out there on the loose.

- 50 foot spider!

- [Tom Servo] Actually
it's a furry dune buggy.

- You mean that's what got Joe Cooper?

- Looks like our black
hole has turned into

an open doorway from hell.

- Sorry, I mean an open doorway from heck.

- And we're going to have
to find a way to close it.

- God knows how many
monsters may come through.

- And how many have already come through.

- [Mike] We’d better put up snow fences.

- Doctor, please.

What are these gizmos?

I found them near the corpse.

- [Tom Servo] They’re petrified tribbles!

- You found them where?

- Near the corpse.

- That's that new club downtown.

- Sheriff, do you mind if we take these

and run some tests on them?

- No, please do.

- Thank you.

Oh, do you have a flare gun we could use?

- Yes you can pick one
up at the desk sergeant,

he's got a couple of flares out there.

- Thank you.

- Thank you Sheriff.

- [Mike] Thank you, fellow has-been.

- [Dr. Vance] We'll keep in touch.

- Thank you.

- [Tom Servo] Boy, problems are hard.

(telephone ringing)

- Pork vacuum, I mean Sheriff.

- Hello, yes this is the Sheriff.

(siren sounding)

- [Mike] Sorry, I can only speak in siren.

- Davey--

- [Tom Servo] I thought you were lunch.

- didn't recognize your voice.

Yes, what is it?

- [Mike] Little buddy? Trouble? Lagoon?

- Is Terry alright?

- Action phone scene.

- Well have Doc Ollyphin
check her, will you?

- [Tom Servo] And have 'em
send over a hospital meal.

- Keep me filled in on everything please.

Thanks Davey.

- [Mike] Gee, Davey, keep
me filled in on everything.

- 50 foot spider?

- Vance, sorry to take
so long, but the lab says

it will take a full two hours
to get a report on these.

The only thing they said was,

they'd never seen anything like them.

- Early breast implants.

- Should I crack them open?

- [Tom Servo] Yeah, sure I'm drunk.

- You don't have time for that.

First things first,

we've got to find some
way to get out there

and kill that monster.

- How are you going to
kill a monster like that?

An alien energy pattern.

We haven't even found the
impact area of the black hole.

- Um-hmm and that's undoubtedly

where the spider's coming from.

- Right, the energy
pattern has to feed off of

the gravitational field of the black hole.

- [Tom Servo] I can't
believe I let you roll on me.

- Vance, could we soak up the energy?

- We could feed it with
so much extra mass,

we could choke it.

- We can shower it with neutrons.

- Or we could do the neutron dance.

- [Tom Servo] Admit it, you felt something

when I rolled on you.

- It just might work.

(bang)

(screech)

(boom)

(bang)

(screech)

- Oh, I'm telling you guys,

this whole thing is freaking me out.

I mean the idea of each
of us being replicated

and having to...

Oh, hi Servo.

I was just telling these guys (screams)

What the, you get out of here
mister, you're a fake, a fake!

- But I am Tom Servo of fine high quality.

- Wow, I think I like that Servo better.

- [Tom Servo] Crow!
- [Tom's Doppelganger] Crow.

- Now hold on here.

Now we gotta get to the bottom of this.

Now how do I know you're the real Servo?

- Why Mike don't you remember

when we did that fun thing together

that was so fun that one time.

- (laughing) Oh yeah,
that was fun wasn't it?

- Wait a minute, Mike!

You and I did a fun thing
together once too, right?

(laughs nervously)

- No, I don't remember that.

- Hang on, hang on.

There's a real easy
way to figure this out.

I'll ask a question that only
the real Servo would know.

Okay, what condiment did
I pour into your sneakers

only two weeks ago?

- Oh uh...

- Was it ketchup?

- Yes!

- Damn!

You are me!

I guess I am a fraud.

- Now hold on, hold on, alright.

Let's go two out of three, okay?

What's your confirmation name?

- (whispering)

Okay, Mike, we are going to say

that we don't have a confirmation name.

- You're right actually, okay.

Let's try one more though.

What do you have in your
underwear collection?

Ha!

- Oh please, you would have
to be a total pathetic loser

of the lowest quality to
have an underwear collection.

- (laughs) 342 pairs of
cotton boxers, no duplicates.

78 pairs of silk boxers.

702 pairs of high-cut briefs.

55 pairs of low-cut briefs.

7 banana warmers, one pair of
home of the Whopper briefs,

one vintage pair of Joe
Nameth netted slingshot brief

brutal tights.

- (screaming)

- Yeah, loser, loser, I won!

(Tom servo making
triumphant whooping sounds)

- Frankly I don't see why we
need any Servo at all Mike.

- The man knows his underwear.

We'll be right back.

(instrumental pop music)

- What's up?

- [Dr. Vance] I want you to fly me

a Caltech neutron initiator right away.

- Are we supposed to be able to hear this?

- That's a pretty stiff order.

- [Mike] See city managers
deal with traffic issues.

- I think there's one in Madison.

- [Dr. Vance] Tell them to
load it with a 600 gram charge

and set the pattern at 360 degrees.

My chopper will pick it up at the airport.

- Alright.

- [Dr. Vance] If it doesn't work,

then old buddy, we've
got company for dinner.

- Three hours.

- [Tom Servo] A three-hour tour.

- Bye.

- Sounds like just the ticket.

Tell me how does one of those gizmos work?

- [Mike] Sandwiches dipped
in batter, and deep fried?

- Are we supposed to
know who he's talking to?

I mean.

- [Mike] Hel, hello?

Movie?

- Movie?

- [Tom Servo] Yoohoo movie!

- Over here. (whistling)

Right here.

- All right, thanks Vance.

- [Mike] These are the famous scenes

that Alan Hale improvised.

- Alan Hale literally phoned in his role.

(funk music)
- I don't have to tell you.

You know what happened to the Kesters.

Now the spider's nest is
somewhere on the Kester's ranch.

Do you all have guns?

♫ What's the buzz

♫ tell me what's a-happenin'

♫ what's the buzz

♫ tell me what's a-happenin' ♫

- and we're going to
go out to Kester's Farm

and we're going to destroy that spider!

So come on, let's go!

- Put down those pole tabs men!

We have work to do!

(cheering and yelling)

R. Crumb is leading them!

- [Mike] For grandma Schmeekar!

- [Tom Servo] Let's just kill each other!

(shouting and yelling)

- [Voiceover] Like I said inside,

I want each of you to go
in different directions.

I want you to get your friends,
relatives, anyone you can!

- What if my friends don't have relatives?

- [Voiceover] Dutch, what's going on?

- [Mike, Tom Servo, Crow]
Packers! Whoo! Go Packers!

- Dutch you're a troublemaker.

I'm trying to tell you to knock it off!

Now everybody go home...

(shouting and yelling)

- [Sheriff] Knock it off!
- [Dutch] You knock it off!

- All right, let's go, come on!

- [Mike] Wait a minute, we can't hunt,

we're not drunk enough yet.

- [Tom Servo, Mike, Crow]
Packers! Whoo! Packers!

- [Mike] Please, if you
would all just go back

to your drinking!

(yelling, tires screeching)

- [Sheriff] Alright everybody just--

- Wang chung tonight!

- [Tom Servo] It's Old
Milwaukee coming out of there.

Just swing us till we die.

(carnival music)

- Ride the vomit rainbow!

Strolling bands of technicolor
yawns splayed across the sky.

- [Tom Servo] Hopefully
we'll work up enough speed

to launch us into Minnesota
and start a real life!

- [Mike] It's been an
hour, please let us down.

- You know carnies are the
most respected citizens

of this town.

- [Tom Servo] Honk, honk, vroom!

- [Mike] It’s Suicide
Days in New Richmond.

- I wanna go pet the wounded goat.

- [Mike] Are you sure that's
as fast as this thing can go?

- [Tom Servo] Beck!

- It’s Milling Around Days.

- [Tom Servo] The Lions Club
medium-rare chicken booth.

- Free range and beer fed.

- [Mike] Basted with
sun brewed mayonnaise.

- [Tom Servo] Despair
Days is fun this year!

- [Crow] Nom, nom, nom, nom.

This is where you'd find
a crocheted beer can hat.

- [Tom Servo] How sweet it is!

- [Mike] And the score is 78-5

in the bottom of the 3rd inning.

- Packers won the Superbowl!

- [Tom] Packers! Yaay!

Previously owned cheese curds are on sale!

- Woo, he stood up.

He's got to get hazard pay for this.

- [Mike] I think I had
a hot dog in here once.

(telephone Ringing)

- [Tom Servo] He could do a one-man show

playing Queen Victoria.

- Hello, yeah this is the Sheriff.

- You've discovered a new kind of meat?

- What?

- [Mike] Pork gravy from a can?

- In Gleason?

- [Tom Servo] Does Jackie mind?

- Are you sure they're headed this way?

- Did they bring a dish to pass?

- Okay.

(frenzied screams and shouts)

- [Mike] It's a cheese-fueled mob frenzy!

- [Tom Servo] Welcome to
Beer Hall Putsch Days!

- John Malkovich!

- Hello operator?
- [Mike] Where's Gleason?

- Give me the National Guard
headquarters in Madison.

- [Tom Servo] When
snowmobilers drive cars.

- Now you really can't
blame a spider for that.

- [Mike] Too late.

Insurgents overthrew the Baraboo regime.

- Patrick, hey.

- [Tom Servo] He's them organs,
we didn't put them on ice.

I hope that's okay.

Here take some zucchini,
we have so much this year.

- By the way, this is
Wisconsin’s National Guard.

- [Tom Servo] Audiences won't soon forget

when the thing we didn't know what it was,

was put in the helicopter
by the guy we didn't know.

- [Crow] Are we dead Mike?

- [Voiceover] Once you seal of the hole,

what's going to happen with the spiders?

(cackling and rasping)

- [Dr. Vance] Once we seal
that hole, they're gone.

- [Dr. Langer] But what if
the initiator doesn't work?

There's going to be an
army of those spiders

crawling around growing and multiplying.

- [Mike] Rebane was filming
night for night here, wasn’t he?

- [Dr. Vance] Look honey,
it's already happening.

- [Crow] It's Dr. Honey to you.

- [Tom Servo] Oh, no!

It's a fish boil.

- [Mike] We don't have to put
our nuclear waste into casks.

- [Crow] Dark, it's not
dark Rebane declared.

- [Tom Servo] Visuals for a movie?

Who needs them?

- [Mike] And somewhere in the
world a helicopter exists.

- Lord knows how many of
those things are around here.

- Just take it easy.

- [Tom Servo] Let’s you
and I go up to Rhinelander

and roll on each other.

- Oh look at this stuff.

- [Crow] When grandmas go spelunking.

- [Dr. Langer] Oh!

- [Dr. Vance] What's the matter?

- [Mike] Quit falling on me!

- [Dr. Langer] (screaming)
- [Dr. Vance] My god!

God another one.

- Let's get out of here.

- [Tom Servo] Let’s go have
a nice dinner at the Gobbler.

- [Crow] Oh, it's a, huh?

- [Mike] Robert McNamara
escalates the war on Gleason.

- [Tom Servo] Can we roll the
rest of the way to the car?

Emergency, I am winded
and I am very moist.

- Patch me through to the Sheriff.

- [Mike] Maybe if I kill
myself, like Hemingway,

people will remember me fondly.

(telephone ringing)

- [Tom Servo] That would be
my shift down at Skipper’s.

- [Crow] Rebane and Hale,
like Scorsese and De Niro.

- Hello.

(Tom Servo makes farting noises)

- Yeah, Vance.

- [Mike] I'm sitting.

- The spiders are all over in Gleason.

Just a few miles away.

- [Crow] I’ll drive my Lark there.

- Yes, I've called for the National Guard.

- [Mike] But he's not in.

- The mobs are beginning to gather

and they are getting out of hand.

- Look, get somebody out here.

I just found another body
or what's left of one.

And for God's sake, keep
that mob away from here.

- [Crow] It's more of a mob (mumbles)

- [Mike] The mob demands Whoopee John.

- [Tom Servo] So they're really
giving over to mob mentality

to stand around and mingle.

- [Tom Servo, Mike, Crow]
Packers! Whoo! Packers!

(crowd shouting)

- [Dutch] You know why we’re all here.

- [Tom Servo, Mike, Crow]
Yeah, Packers! Packers! Whoo!

- [Dutch] You've all got your
guns, they're all loaded.

- [Mike] The margarine riot of 1974.

- [Crow] Free Bobby Seale!

- [Tom Servo] Free Mumia!

- [Crow] Free beer!

- [Sheriff] Come on now Dutch,

I want you to get out of here, all of you!

- [Tom Servo] They’re toughening
GED standards, no fair!

Boo!

- [Tom Servo, Mike, Crow]
Packers! Whoo! Packers!

- [Sheriff] I got a man from
NASA who knows what he's doing.

Gleason is a disaster area,

- [Tom Servo] Packers! Whoo!

- [Dutch] We'll handle it ourselves.

Come on!

- [Tom Servo] US out of
North America and Packers!

No more schools!

More hockey arenas!

More Packers!

- Well it got hit by the monster.

The crowd is getting out of hand.

I can't control 'em.

They're hellbent on destroying that beast.

- [Tom Servo] They're hellbent.

- You ever see the movie Jaws?

Well it makes that shark
look like a goldfish!

- I know, I know.

- The better movie.

Try to keep them there as long as you can.

We're setting up the lights around here

and the bomb is on it's way.

And try to keep the spider there.

- [Sheriff] We can't do
anything with the spider.

Bullets don't hurt it.

The only thing I've got
to stop them here with

is a traffic light.

- Sheriff, at least try.

- [Tom Servo] There's
baby Earp on his shoulder.

- Okay, forget it spider, you win, sorry!

Sorry, sorry.

- [Sheriff] I'm down here all by myself.

Call the National Guard back,

tell them we need some heavy equipment.

- [Mike] Fur is murder!

- [Tom Servo] Violence
erupted when Dave Dudley

canceled his appearance in Gleason.

- [Mike] I’m headed over to Taco John’s

till this blows over.

(instrumental pop music)

- [Tom Servo] Just honk at it honey.

- [Mike] Give my Hamm’s
waterfall sign to my son.

- (gasps) Dutch!

Oh, Dutch.

– [Tom Servo] Too many Jell-O shots.

– [Mike] No more tainted meat sandwiches.

- [Preacher] Great earthquakes
shall be in diverse places--

- [Tom Servo] Is there
a verse from the Bible

that tells us when the
end of this movie is near?

- [Preacher] And great signs
shall there be from Heaven!

- The spider is retreating,
heading out of town.

We've got a lot of people hurt here.

- [Tom Servo] Somehow
this will all tie back

to the yellowed back-brace.

- [Tom Servo] Packers.

- Packers?

- Clear the street!

The spider is gone, the spider is gone!

Get out of here!

- [Mike] Um, Mr. Rebane,

you really can’t see anything.

– [Tom Servo] Shut up and keep
filming, Mr. NYU Film Pants.

- [Dr. Langer] You know that big one

is like a mother queen bee.

- [Dr. Vance] Yes and she's
activated all the spiders

in this whole area.

- [Dr. Langer] Do you
think the smaller ones

will grow to be giants?

- Well it could be, unless
that neutron gadget works.

- I wish that chopper would get here.

- Here comes somebody now.

- Why, it's Barney.

- [Tom Servo] You got to
nip it in the bud, Andy!

(police siren)

No, it's my emergency
shipment of Lucky Strikes.

- Vance, that big one, I just
saw it up on the highway.

It's cutting through the woods

and it's headed in this direction.

- These are just the drunks,

they haven't even gotten
to the wounded yet.

- [Mike] It’s a VW in chenille.

- [Tom Servo] I understand you can repair

these giant spiders yourself.

- There comes the chopper now.

- It's a vegetable chopper though.

- Can you patch me through?

- Sure Vance.

- [Mike] Is this going to be another case

of a scientist declaring martial law?

I wish John Agar were in the movie.

- Cain, this is Vance.

Cain, this is Vance.

Use your spotlight as a
target and drop the gadget.

- [Mike] No!

- [VOiceover] You want me to land

and give you the trigger?

- Hell no!

- [Tom Servo] Sorry, just asking.

- I'm going to fire a flare
and you pull the trigger.

- [Mike] No!

- [Voiceover] Okay.

- Follow us, come on!

- She’s dressed like
an Elvis impersonator.

- [Tom Servo] If you see
only 10,000 movies this year,

make sure this isn't one of them.

- Soon Hitler’s giant mechanical spiders

had pushed past the Maginot Line.

- Jenny, I forgot the flares.

Here are the rig keys.

Would you get them?

- I'll get 'em.

- [Tom Servo] On the way to
shoot the flares, I forgot them.

- [Mike] A brilliant plot device,

forgetting to do a simple errand.

- These spiders have
lousy heaters, though.

- We've got to keep her
out of that black hole

until we make the drop.

- Okay, I'm going to try.

- Good boy.

- [Tom Servo] It’s like
Bigfoot in business casual.

- [Mike] The spider’s
gonna have a heart attack

from eating so many cheeseheads.

- Jog-walk out of danger!

- [Tom Servo] Uh, long line
is really cutting into me.

- [Mike] Might as well get
my Pall Malls while I’m here.

- (screams)

(shouting)

- Ah, God I hate paperwork!

Ahhh!

Ah!

- [Tom Servo] Hey, spider,
you have a ball hitch?

Mine is busted.
(gunshots)

- [Mike] I'm the twin brother
of Dutch, a man you murdered!

- [Tom Servo] Remember,
I mate, then I kill.

I'm going to squash your shoe under me.

- Bad spider!

Sit!

Bad!

- [Tom Servo] This man is
a brave, brave character

whom we've never seen before.

- [Mike] Normally I
stuff people in my butt,

but in your case I'll let
you come in the front way.

- Huh, another spider's
gonna have to come along

and give the guy a boost up.

- [Tom Servo] Oh boy,

he's carrying him like a loaf of bread.

And he drops him at the 10 yard line.

♫ I injected a paralyzing
toxin into the sheriff

♫ but I did not inject a
paralyzing toxin into the deputy ♫

- Oh no, he bit right into
the guy's fountain pen.

- [Tom Servo] And yet Bill
Rebane escapes unharmed.

- [Voiceover] I can't believe this thing.

- [Dr. Vance] It's as big as a house.

- [Mike] Oh crap, my shoe.

- [Dr. Langer] Vance, Vance!

- What happened?

- Spiders came out of the briefcase.

- [Tom Servo, Mike,
Crow] (groan disgustedly)

- Give me this, come on!

Get over there and take cover.

Hey, come on!

Everybody get out of there!

Hurry up, come on!

- [Tom Servo] Quit picking tobacco,

we're making a movie here,
ya damn migrant workers.

- Get down!

- [Tom Servo] Get funky!

- Ah, the firework.

- [Tom Servo] And the
blast was felt yards away.

- [Mike] The first extremely tentative

atomic test at Alamogordo.

- What?

- Alright.

- [Tom Servo] I am death,
destroyer of lawns.

- [Mike] Spider must've been really wet.

- But I came with knowledge

for a cheap clean
alternative to fossil fuel.

- [Tom Servo] Remember, don't
put your spider in a microwave

if you wrap it in tinfoil.

- Blah, they need a bucket.

- [Tom Servo] It came
from planet Gross Out.

Blah, I ate too much ice cream.

- [Mike] The spider needs a Zantac.

- Alan Hale digests a kielbasa.

(laughing)

(fake screaming)

- [Tom Servo] I guess somebody tampered

in God's domain or something.

- [Crow] Remember don't buy
margarine, only creamery butter.

[Preacher] When Pharaoh
refused the children of Israel

their right to exodus,
the heavens opened up

and deluged the land with
flies, frogs, lice and locusts.

It happened before and
it will happen again.

- [Mike] And now we'll
pass the collection plate.

- Guys, I think we're deep into

film student territory here.

- [Tom Servo] And Andrea
Scharf begat Kevin Brodie,

who begat Alan Rebane

- I think the problem was

that there weren't enough
Rebanes in this movie.

- [Tom Servo] The Brodie to
Rebane ratio is a little rich.

- [Mike] What if Buck Gillett
were the best a man could get?

- You know when Barbara
Hale won her Oscar for this,

she made a touching speech
where she said, in effect,

"Daheyyyae!"

- [Tom Servo] The filmmaker
gratefully acknowledges

the cooperation of the Gobbler,

the G. Heileman Brewing Company,
the Doughboy Corporation,

Fort Howard toilet paper,
Plochman’s Mustard Company,

the BoDeans, the American
Dairy Association,

and the Wisconsin chapter
of Wisconsin Dairy Farmers.

And the Violent Femmes.

- Like this film had a worldwide release.

- [Tom Servo] Dedicated to the memory

of Crazylegs Elroy Hirsch.

- [Mike] Go Packers.

(bang)

(creak)

(bang)

(metal screeching)

- We got pods everywhere.

Come on, come on, you're not, oh!

Crow, thank goodness it's you.

Hey I think it's just you and me.

I think we're the only normal ones left.

(screaming)

No!

Oh my God!

Bobo we have to do something!

Please tell me you're not a pod!

- Who me?

No.

Everyone else is down here, not me.

You want to know why not me?

Because a monkey isn't good enough.

Again!

Should we assimilate the monkey?

No!

The monkey's got a red butt.

Stupid monkey's got a red butt.

Does the monkey want a banana?

It takes its toll Mike.

- Would you please forget about all that?

Look the universe is in peril
and you have to save it.

The way I figure it, there's
got to be a mother pod

down there somewhere.

- [Crow, Tom Servo] (screeching)

- Geez!

- Who me save the galaxy?

Mike, I'm a stupid monkey.

I might as well admit it,

and I do have a red butt.

Let's face facts.

You ever seen my butt?

Here, take a good look at my butt.

- [Crow, Tom Servo] (squealing)

- Bobo listen, you can do it.

Hold on a second, just get.

See, see ball, see, see, go.

Listen to me, you've got
to find the mother pod

and destroy it.

You can do it.

You are a magnificent mountain gorilla.

You are Bobo, son of Coco.

- Yes and heir to the great lineage Godo!

Mogo!

And Chim Chim!

Now where's that mother pod?

(pod screeching)

(grunting)

(celebratory shouting)

- Yes.

- Mike, are you okay?

- Mike are you alright?

- Yeah, yeah I'm okay.

How about you?

- We're okay too.

They had us locked up.

Ah, you big lug.

All I can say is (screeches)

- Aah!

- [Crow] I was kidding.

- Well I'm not sure.

- Well I guess we just
gotta get the dried husks

of our dooplegangers out of here.

- Back to you Bobo.

♫ Hooga shaka, hooga hooga hooga shaka,

♫ hooga hooga hooga shaka hooga ♫

- Oh Lawgiver, I saved you!

I'm so glad to see you.

- Bobo, get your paws off me.

Have you been drinking?

No, look see here's dead you

and Observer here's dead pod you.

You see, all the time they
were watching the movie,

you were a pod.

I saved you and the whole
galaxy, I'm so proud.

- You mean, they watched the movie

and I didn't get to watch
them watching the movie?

Bobo get rid of my body.

Brain guy, send them the movie.

Again. (laughs)

- [Tom Servo, Mike, Crow]
Movie-cide again! (crying)

(peaceful synthesizer music)

- (blows raspberry)