Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 9, Episode 11 - Parts: The Clonus Horror - full transcript
Clones are raised on a college campus to be prepped for freezing and organ harvesting for VIPs until one escapes and spreads the news. Meanwhile, on the SOL, Mike tries growing a mustache and the Bots are supportive, at first. Down on the camping planet, Pearl and her followers are approached by Buddy, Scooter and Doreen, a trio of omnipotent Space Children who've run away from home. Forced into babysitting as opposed to being forced to beat themselves up, Observer and Bobo try to distract the kids with junk food and other such vices until Pearl pleas for Mike's help. Mike's help comes in the form of an educational program brought to us by "A" and "3," which mesmerizes the kids until the fun escalates into a full blown Spanish fiesta. Still bored, the kids decide to ask "the Big Question" because they apparently don't get the Spice Channel at home. Later, after Crow gets a nose job based on the heroine from the movie, the kids have finally nodded off to sleep. Tom decides to help by offering a soothing lullaby, though the music isn't exactly in tune with the words.
♪ In the not too
distant future ♪
♪ Somewhere in time and space
♪ Mike Nelson and
his robot pals ♪
♪ Are caught in
an endless chase ♪
♪ Pursued by a woman
whose name is Pearl ♪
♪ An evil gal who wants
to rule the world ♪
♪ She threw a few
things in her purse ♪
♪ And in her rocket
ship she hunts him ♪
♪ All across the universe
♪ I'll get you
♪ I'll send him cheesy movies
♪ The worst I can find
♪ La, la, la
♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all ♪
♪ And I'll monitor his mind
♪ La, la, la
♪ Now keep in mind
Mike can't control ♪
♪ Where the movies
begin or end ♪
♪ La, la, la
♪ He'll try to keep his sanity
♪ With the help of
his robot friends ♪
♪ Robot roll call
♪ Cambot
- You're on!
♪ Gypsy
- Oh my stars!
♪ Tom Servo
- Check me out.
♪ Crooooow
- I'm different.
♪ If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes ♪
♪ And other science facts
♪ La, la, la
♪ Just repeat to yourself,
it's just a show ♪
♪ I should really just relax
♪ For Mystery Science
Theater 3000 ♪
[rumbling]
[beeping]
[chains rattling]
[mechanical buzzing]
- Hi, everyone,
Mike Nelson here.
Hey, I'm sporting a mustache
for the very first time.
I'm a little worried about
how Tom and Crow
are gonna react.
- Hey, Mike, a new mustache.
Hey, it looks good,
it really does.
- You think?
- Yeah, it's great.
It looks good.
- No kidding, well
that went well.
We'll be right back.
- Yeah, it's a look
that challenges people.
Good for you, Mike.
- Yeah, it says, "I look like
this and I don't even care."
I say, go man, go!
[chuckling]
- Well, great, thanks.
We'll be right back.
- It gives you a sort of
Howard Sprague allure.
- Yeah.
- Only not so overtly macho.
- Oh yeah, an
unqualified success,
so long as no one looks
directly at your face.
- Right, right, right.
- Right, well we'll
be right back.
- You've declared your
contempt for the world.
Go get 'em, sport.
- Yeah, you've given me
the confidence I need.
You know, I'm gonna go get
a big, stinky spiral cut ham
and stable it to my top lip.
Thank you, Mike.
- We'll be right back.
- Yep, get used to
hearing the screams
of small children
and the elderly.
- Mike's mustache to
world, "I hate you
"and I'm cutting myself off
from all human contact."
I like it.
- Yeah, it's nice.
[upbeat music]
Wow, I never noticed, Mike,
but your upper lip is huge.
- Yeah, you look like a
bowling ball with a slit in it.
- You could ski down
your nasolabial trough.
[chuckling]
- Good, very clever.
Done?
- Oh, sure.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay, good, can we check in
with out evil captors then?
- If you want.
- You know, you might
wanna consider a mustache.
[chuckling]
[snoring]
- Hey, wake up!
- Wake up, wake up, wake up!
- What? What?
- Let's go to Dairy Queen!
- Who the hell are you?
- I'm Buddy.
- I'm Scooter.
- And I'm Darlene.
- And we're space children.
- Oh, children, yuck.
- That's right
and we're lost and hungry.
- And why?
Because we ran away.
- Well, aren't you just the
most delightful little--
[thudding]
[laughing]
- He's funny.
- Oh, I know, I know, I know.
You can be our new mommy!
[cheering]
- Hold on.
I ain't gonna be nobody's mommy.
- Okay, you can be
our new grandma!
- Don't you ever say
that again, capiche?
All right, here's some
Clove Gum and a church key.
Now scram!
- But we're hungry.
- And I'm scared.
[crying]
- Oh, can't they stay, Grandma?
- Don't push it, Bonzo.
Brain Guy, make some traffic
for these brats to play in.
- Right, right.
- Now you've made us mad.
- We'll make you be nice.
- [All] Nana, nana, boo-boo,
pocket full of lunch.
- Oh my!
- [All] Big bad meanies,
now start to punch!
[thudding]
- It's true, Pearl!
They have powers far
greater than my own.
- We can do anything!
- We're omnificent!
- Nelson, do something!
- Man, we gotta work these kids.
They could be our
ticket out of here.
- Use psychology, Mike.
I have all the right books here.
Dr. Spock, Brazelton,
the Great Santini.
- Mike, I suggest
reverse psychology.
Tell them, "Don't not send us
the movie that doesn't exist."
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- How about guilt and shame?
They worked on me.
- No, no, no, Mike,
kids are fragile
but they need structure.
Be firm but fair then
offer them money.
- Nah, just tell them we'll
take away their pagers
and their big pants and
I don't know what else.
- Okay, wait, wait,
I've got it, okay.
Hi, kids, you know, we've
always been there for you,
working so hard to
provide for your future,
so don't you dare
send us a movie
or it'll be the belt for you!
What I mean, is,
we'll give you Beanie
Babies and a hundred dollars
and cake and stuff if you
don't send us the movie,
unless you were planning to do
the opposite of what we say,
in that case, please
send us the movie.
Unless, you were planning to
do the opposite of the opposite
of what we say, in which case,
we'll take away your cake
and your hundred dollars
and we'll tear up
your Beanie Babies!
We love you?
[thudding]
[groaning]
- We've decided.
- [All] Nana, nana, boo-boo,
pocket full of groovy,
send the silly satellite
another crappy movie!
- Yay!
- D'oh!
- Mike, you couldn't
raise an earthworm.
[alarm buzzing]
- We got movie sign!
- Big, dumb square head.
[rumbling]
[mechanical buzzing]
[liquid dripping]
[beeping]
[creaking]
- [Crow] Kids.
- [Tom] Group "I, I, I."
What a solipsitic film!
- [Mike] I'm Myrl Schreib,
I'll paint any movie for $49.95.
- [Crow] Ah, comes
from the Scandinavian,
"Son of Five."
[eerie whispering]
- [Mike] What?
- [Crow] What is that?
[beeping]
- [Mike] Big boys don't cry.
Big boys don't cry.
- [Crow] Mike, I think
the voices in my head
are a little louder than usual.
- [Tom] Hey, a
supermodel factory.
- [Mike] Bag your own people
and save at Super Value.
[eerie whispering]
- [Tom] Julia Childs'
secret freezer.
[eerie whispering]
[electrical buzzing]
- [Mike] Frozen bodies,
do you have anything
you'd like to share
with the whole class?
- [Crow] Hey, Stallone!
[crowd cheering]
- [Tom] What really happened
to Shields and Yarnell.
[eerie music]
- [Mike] Hurray for the '70s!
- [Crow] Shaun
Cassidy for president!
- [Tom] We want Billy Beer!
- [Mike] Thaw-Master
testing grounds.
[crowd cheering]
Hey.
- [Crow] Biography.
[Mike laughing]
[crowd cheering]
- [Man] Thank you, all!
- [Mike] We want England
Dan and John Ford Coley!
- [Man] Hello and God bless you!
- [Crow] Thank God that
one policeman's there,
he'd be torn apart.
- You all know what I stand for.
- [Tom] Biography.
- I believe in this country.
- [Mike] California?
- Now I know that
may sound corny.
- [Crow] Cutting Medicare, what?
- But you know why I
wanna be president?
I think it's time that I
started paying back this country
for some of the good
things it's given me!
- [Mike] Like "Biography."
- Sure, we've got problems.
We're gonna solve them by
standing by the old fashion ways
that made this country great.
And that is what
I promise to you.
- [Crow] Um, check the antenna.
- From what I've been
hearing the last few months,
that's exactly what all of
you have been waiting for.
- [Tom] Mike, I think we're
slipping into another dimension.
- So that's what I'm
going to give you.
We've got two weeks to go,
so let's go all the way!
- [Mike] Tonight on "Biography,"
the story of Julius Caesar.
Tomorrow night,
funnyman Charlie Callas.
[upbeat marching band music]
- [Man] That's our boy.
- [Crow] Oh, it's
Peter Graves' dad.
[dramatic music]
- [Mike] And we have
Cheryl Tiegs in the lead,
Shelley Hack second, Willie
Aames and Lance Kerwin
and the DeFranco Family
bringing up the rear.
[Tom giggling]
- [Tom] Hey, I think they're
running to Elton John's
funeral for a friend.
- [Crow] Oh, please invent
the sports bra soon.
[dramatic music]
[Mike chanting to
music in deep voice]
- [Tom] That's good.
- [Mike] Thank you.
- [Crow] I don't know
what you've been told
but new Adorne can really hold.
[Mike chuckling]
- [Tom] Parts is parts.
- [Crow] Apparently
E.E. Cummings write it.
[dramatic music]
- [Mike] Pablo Cruise
concert tonight, pass it on.
- [Tom] Filmed at the Sydney
Opera House High School.
- Dick Sargent?
Didn't he play Dick
York on "Bewitched?"
- [Mike] Here, at Bruce
Jenner University.
- [Tom] Hi, I'm a chemical
engineering student.
- [Mike] You know, these were
the days when Michael York
could open a movie.
- [Tom] Yeah.
- [Crow] Bounce, behave,
bounce, behave, bounce, behave!
- [Tom] Sid and Marty
Krofft secret training camp.
Doo!
- [Mike] Doo!
- [Crow] Doo!
Oh, Mike, I'd like to
introduce you to Paulette.
Paulette, Mike.
- [Mike] Hi, Paulette.
- [Tom] Hey, no fair,
Rosie took the subway!
- [Crow] Regardless of race,
black people are not
allowed at this university.
[Mike laughing]
- [Mike] Hey, Joe Bob
Briggs, track coach.
- Area 14 is clear.
- [Tom] Clear?
There's a bunch of
people in back of you.
- Yeah.
- Dope.
[laughing]
- [Crow] And then he said,
"Aye, sit on it, Potsie."
- No, you don't have
to, it was only a joke.
- [Tom] Huh?
- [Mike] Wow, they're
raising a race of Becks.
- [Crow] "Breaking Away
2: The Clonus Horror."
- How could I know Grayson
was going to throw a knee?
- Yeah, but you didn't
bet on the quarterback,
you bet on the game.
- Well I say the bet's off.
- It's not off, it's on.
The bet's a bet!
- What's a bet?
- Nevermind, just put your
helmet on and let's go.
- [Tom] What's a helmet?
- [Mike] Man, they're tough
on the Dallas Cowboy
cheerleaders, aren't they?
[whistle blowing]
- [Crow] La Tour De Van Ness.
- [Tom] And they're off.
- [Mike] The Starland Vocal
Band goes on a bike tour.
- [Crow] Let's go film Tampon
commercials, everybody!
- What a bet.
Oh brother.
- [Tom] I think you're neat.
- [Mike] I like
how keen you are.
- [Crow] Um, guys, this is
supposed to be the 50 yard dash.
Oh, nevermind.
[Mike laughing]
- [Mike] A little
something for the ladies.
- It's missionary
position practice.
[Tom chuckling]
[groaning]
- [Tom] "Parts: The
Village People Horror."
[clapping]
- [Mike] "The Long Time
Companion Olympics."
- Here you go.
- [Crow] Winner of the
International Jeffery Games.
- [Mike] Saturn, a different
kind of car company.
- [Tom] Hey, LSD tabs everyone!
Woo!
- [Crow] I can't wait to
dig into that party sub.
- He shows no interest
in what we're doing.
Okay.
- [Mike] A Van Patten
family reunion.
- [Tom] This is not
sanctioned, gentlemen.
You are doing this on your own.
- [Crow] Hey, why's
Gilligan there?
[girls laughing]
- [Mike] So life is a constant
non-competitive track meet?
- [Tom] Ah, yes, the
adult McDonald's Playland.
- [Man] George is quite strong.
I think he's ready.
- So do I.
- [Mike] Huh?
- Do you have his workup?
- Right here.
- [Crow] Sam!
- [Mike] Professor Darrin
and Dr. Super Mario Brother.
[computers beeping]
- I see no problems here.
Do you?
- All the tests were positive.
- [Tom] Or negative, I
can't remember which.
- [Crow] Tonight, the brilliant
career of Dick Sargent
on "Biography."
- Walker, Jameson.
It's ready.
- [Tom] Your bundt
cake is ready.
[beeping]
- [Crow] "Hop On
Pop: The Movie."
- [Jameson] Let's go.
- [Mike] This is Coco and Studly
on the K-Rock Morning Stew.
- Get it ready.
- [Tom] Terrence McNally
holds weird auditions.
- Give it up!
- George!
- [Crow] He looks like the
monster from "Rocky Horror."
- Excellent, George.
- [Crow] Rocky.
- I've got good news
for you, George.
You've been accepted.
It's time to get ready.
- [Mike] I got
into Hamburger U.!
- George, what was
that all about?
- I just qualified.
I get to go to America.
- When?
- Later on.
- Congratulations, George.
- Thanks, Richard.
Come on, I gotta go back.
- Okay.
- [Mike] And then I
gotta get ready to go.
[clapping]
- [Crow] Happy
Birthday, Jack Lord.
[clapping]
- [Tom] Oh, you got me a
plate of drywall, thanks guys!
[pleasant music]
- [Mike] I guess
this is, "later on."
- [Crow] Apparently.
- [Tom] Here are "Up
With People Farms."
- Thank you.
It's good to know that I
have all of you as friends.
- [Mike] Except you.
- And I know that soon,
all of you will be
joining me in America.
- [Tom] Blink.
- For that is the land
where good friends live.
We're always happy.
Thanks.
- [Crowd] Aaron
Spelling's "Avalon."
- [Tom] Adam Rich
turned out bad.
- [Mike] Cake.
- [Crow] Have you heard
from Billy Jack lately?
- [Tom] The party died
out pretty quick there.
[Crow giggling]
- [Crow] It's fun
where there are things.
[pleasant music]
- [Mike] He's just making
sure he hates this.
- [Tom] I love you, Talia Shire.
- I should be joining you soon.
- Well, of course you're going.
You'll qualify very
soon, you'll see.
- [Mike] Ah, shucks.
- I've...
I've grown accustomed to you.
- [Crow] Like breathing
out and breathing in.
- I like having you touch me.
- Me too.
- [Tom] I like to touch me too.
- But I can't turn America down.
You know that.
It's too important.
- But--
[shushing]
- [Mike] He's leaking air.
- [Crow] Mmm, you
taste like Lik-M-Aid.
- [Tom] Oh yeah, right.
- [Man] George?
It's almost time to
leave for America
and we have to prepare for
your trip, so let's go.
- All right.
- Now.
- [Mike] Come on, grab all your
too tight Munsingwear shirts.
- Bye, everybody!
- [Man] Don't worry, they'll
be coming soon to America.
Let's go, George.
- [Crow] I'll stop at the
Duty Free Shop in America
and get you something neat!
[dramatic chanting music]
[Tom singing with music]
- Bye.
- [Tom] I'll miss your
white bread blandness.
- [Mike] I'll take
over from here.
[Tom chuckling]
- Will it be all right?
- [Crow] Hell no.
- Of course it'll be all right.
- [Tom] He's got the finely
toned body of a pro golfer.
[somber music]
- [Mike] See...
Look, I'm trying to
walk away from you.
- [Crow] HQ, my hat looks
like a muffin, over.
[upbeat music]
- Come in, George, sit down.
- [Tom] We're gonna
remove all your teeth.
- Well, George, you look like
you're ready to go to America.
- Yes I am.
- How was your party?
- Good.
Dana, Richard, all my
other friends were there.
- Well, George, your
party was step number one
for your journey to America.
But before you actually--
- [Crow] Blink.
- A few little details
to take care of.
- [Crow] Like your death.
- Drink this.
- What is it?
- [Tom] It's Sunny D.
- It's step number two
of your preparation.
- [Mike] It's delicious
hot dog water.
- [Tom] Ew.
- [Crow] I think he's ready
to play quarters now, Doctor.
- Good!
[Tom singing "Mario
Bros." theme music]
- Now, George, I want
you to play a game.
- Okay.
[Tom laughing]
- I want you to start at a
hundred and count backwards.
- [Mike] Oh man, I
should've studied.
- One hundred.
99.
98.
[laughing]
- [Tom] Yuck, it's
turning him on.
- [Mike] Eeh.
- 96.
95.
- [Mike] Oh, I have the vapors.
- [Crow] Dr. Luigi will
be assisting me here.
- This is standard procedure.
Let's get him ready
for transference.
- [Jameson] Yes, maybe need
it sooner than expected.
- [Tom] Sir, does
he have to be nude
for a simple hangnail operation?
[heart monitor beeping]
- [Mario] Subject at standstill.
- [Mike] First, we
apply Seabreeze.
- [Crow] I don't think he's
a natural blonde, Doctor.
[eerie music]
- [Tom] Sam!
[Mike singing "Mario
Bros." theme music]
- [Jameson] Standard
density solution, please.
- [Crow] We're the FDA, we
can test on whoever we want!
- [Mike] I'm going to remove
the dumb parts of you.
- [Tom] Sir, I volunteer
to put the microchip
in his butt cheek.
[eerie music]
- [Crow] Would you turn down
your stupid Brian
Eno CD, Doctor?
- [Tom] I'm testing all tempos.
- [Mike] Room service
at the Chelsea Hotel.
[eerie music]
- [Tom] Now don't
fill him with Smuckers
like last time, Doctor,
that wasn't funny.
- [Jameson] Clear.
- [Mike] Tire pressure,
good, bay seven filter, good!
- [Tom] I don't know.
Whatever.
I don't care.
- [Crow] The Starbucks
testing laboratory.
[suction slurping]
- [Tom] Ah, they're giving him
the Keith Richards special.
- [Crow] Gentlemen, we can
make him dumber, blonder!
[eerie music]
- [Mario] Hemoglobin,
three percent.
- [Mike] "Burbank Hope."
[opera music]
- [Tom] Thank you, nurse,
that was a nice aria.
[heart monitor beeping]
- [Mike] So they took the
blood out of his right arm
and put it into his left arm.
- [Crow] I guess.
- [Tom] Uh, Doctors,
do you remember
if we had an objective
for this whole thing?
[ominous music]
[beeping]
- [Crow] Oh, it's sperm races.
- [Tom] Woo!
- [Mike] Ah, use a
turn signal, jerk!
[heart monitor beeping]
- [Tom] Now this is
just for your trip,
so you'll arrive
in America fresh.
[eerie music]
- [Mike] Please, take
this body home with you.
No, we won't eat this,
I'll bag this up for...
No, I'm not going to
eat the whole thing.
- [Tom] Now they take
him to "Mail Boxes Etc."
[eerie music]
- [Jameson] Vacuum, please.
- [Crow] You try
scrubbing it out.
- [Mike] The real
story of Taco Bell.
[Tom giggling]
- [Tom] Mmmm, fresh
wood-smoked young Aryan man.
[ominous music]
- [Crow] I forgot my
toothbrush for America!
[George screaming]
- [Mike] I don't care
fore America so far.
[George screaming]
- [Tom] I wanted
paper, not plastic.
- [Crow] Oh, it's some
kind of social comment
on how we bag and freeze
people in America, I suppose.
♪ They're dying in
America, today ♪
- [Tom] "Growing Up
Brady," chapter one.
- [Crow] Beach
patrol's a bit lost.
[upbeat tempo music]
[Mike singing
"Sleigh Ride" tune]
[girl yelping]
- [Tom] Malibu Barbie is down!
- [Crow] Oh, this is excellent
cinematography, Mike.
- [Richard] You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
I think I was just
going too fast.
- [Mike] I was making upwards
of three miles per hour.
- Oh.
- You're ugly.
- What?
- Your ear.
It's like mine, I
just noticed it.
- [Tom] Maybe because
I just met you.
- [Mike] Ew.
- Where do you live?
- [Crow] Later on.
[Mike laughing]
- Section eight.
[Mike chuckling]
- This is Riley.
- [Mike] Aces of Spies.
- Two controls accidentally
met on rural sector six.
Please advise.
- Separate them as
quickly as possible.
- [Tom] Duh, I?
- [Jameson] What's going on?
- [Mario] Two control
plums met accidentally.
- [Crow] Control "plums?"
- Did they speak?
- Yes.
- This could prove
to be interesting.
- [Mike] But I doubt it.
- Cancel your order, we'll
monitor their interaction.
- I think we should
just deprogram them.
[Tom groaning]
- We won't do anything
but monitor them.
See how they respond.
- Very well.
- [Tom] Okay.
- But if Walker finds out
you're changing the pattern,
he could get angry.
You deal with him.
- [Tom] Ah, go eat
a mushroom, Mario.
- [Crow] Jerk, well, I'm
a lot taller than him.
[computers beeping]
- [Mike] Get me Endora.
[buzzing]
- Walker.
- [Crow] Our campus features a
low gym coach to clone ratio.
- [Richard] Today a guide
was driving towards me.
- [Mike] Wow, neat.
- [Richard] And he drove
all the way around me.
- [Tom] It can't be true!
- Just so I couldn't see
what he was carrying.
Has that ever happened
to anyone else?
- [Crow] Can I
have your pudding?
- [Tom] Hello, is this thing on?
- Doesn't anyone think
that's a little strange?
- [Mike] Uh, Bob, do you wanna
move to a different table?
- Guides may do strange
things sometimes.
- [Tom] Inside the
RAND Corporation.
- Because they have to watch
out for many things for us.
- Like what?
- [Mike] Like this
tuna wiggle recipe.
- I don't know.
Maybe so we don't get hurt.
- [Tom] Look, I'm
just Scott Baio.
- It's easy to get hurt.
- [Crow] Like when I got my
butt caught in the toaster.
- Yeah but they're always
talking to somebody
and there's nobody there.
Who are they talking to?
- Who knows?
Eat.
- [Tom] Me.
Sorry.
- [Mike] Aah, that was a
good loose meat sandwich.
- Wanna run before the class?
- No thanks.
- [Crow] I'm gonna go hem
up my shorts a little more.
[Tom giggling]
- Where you going?
- [Mike] Hey, cram it, Hal,
you weren't interested, okay?
- To be by myself.
- Why?
- [Crow] Oh, that
guy's the class clown.
Love that guy.
[somber music]
♪ Rivers belong where
they can ramble ♪
- [Mike] Pippin.
- [Tom] Yeah.
- [Crow] He's like a
sensitive Steve Guttenberg.
[Tom vocalizing glass breaking]
- [Tom] Damn kids!
[somber music]
- [Mike] Yeah, yeah,
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna start a band
called "Air Supply."
- [Crow] Aah, have some
sun, my little friend.
♪ I'm all out of lunch
- [Tom] No.
♪ I'm all out of breath
♪ I'm all out of Africa
- [Crowd] Air Supply.
- [Tom] I don't know.
- [Mike] The beer can
struggles upstream to spawn.
- [Crow] His feet are
making a Don Martin noise.
"Spolt, spolt."
- [Mike] Yeah, I
gotta get to the can.
- [Tom] D'oh!
I find so many neat
things here at Love Canal.
[somber music]
- [Mike] The little
bushman didn't know
what to make of the can.
- [Crow] Wow, snowmobilers
must've come through there.
- [Mike] I like bugs.
[Tom chuckling]
- [Tom] Wow, I guess I got
a beer can collection now.
- [Mike] Let's see,
what am I thinking?
Uh, "duh," that's right.
[whooshing]
[mechanical thudding]
[beeping]
[buzzing]
[mechanical whooshing]
[Crow chuckling]
- Hey, I wonder how things
are going down there
for them guys.
- They're probably
all sitting around
on their butts play Candy Land.
[laughing]
- One, two, three.
One, two, three!
- Grandma Pearl, I have to go.
- I'm not your grandma.
Besides, going is for babies.
- Hey, you moved that,
I saw, Uncle Brain Guy.
- Can you back that up, shrimp?
- Nana, nana, boo-boo,
you're in a chocolate lake.
- Okay, I'm in a chocolate lake!
My own personal hell.
- Hey, Uncle Brain Guy?
Why do you always
carry that salad bowl
with a wrinkled ball in it?
- Because I don't like you.
- Grandma Pearl, it's your turn!
- Yeah?
Well Grandma Pearl says
it's butt-kicking time.
- Okay, we're having some
fun, aren't we, sport, huh?
Okay, let's throw Bobo
the ball there, huh?
You ready?
Here we go.
[groaning]
[laughing]
Oh, jeez.
Happened to catch Tanta
Bobo in the upper thigh.
- Throw it to me
again, Tanta Bobo!
- I will, you delightful Muppet.
Here we go, okay.
Right in there.
[groaning]
[laughing]
Oh, jeez, right in
the tender vittles.
- You're fun, Tanta Bobo.
- Yes, well, Tanta
Bobo has to go see
Uncle Reconstructive Eurologist.
[giggling]
- Oh.
[upbeat music]
- [Crow] Boys and girls,
today's film is called,
"Virginity: Your Precious Gift."
[crowd applauding]
- [Tom] Ladies and
gentlemen, Pat Boone.
- [Mike] Welcome to
"Bewitched-a-palooza!"
- [Tom] Woo!
- Good afternoon.
- [Audience] Good afternoon!
- [Crow] Good afternoon.
- Now who knows what lesson
we're going to have today?
- [Mike] Yes, no, oh.
- That's right.
But before have Lesson 10--
- [Crow] We will
offer a sign of peace.
- Who can tell us
about the others?
- [Crow] Oh, oh, Mr. Kotter!
Mr. Kotter!
- In Lesson Number
One, we learned about
when we were babies
and in Lesson Number Two,
we heard about animals.
No, that was Number three.
- [Tom] Oh man.
- [Man] In Number Two
we learned about--
- [Crow] Ha, "number two."
- How food is grown
and all about our home.
- Well done.
- [Mike] For a total spaz.
- Well now, I think we're
ready for today's lesson.
So just sit back and relax.
- [Tom] And now a
tribute to Dr. Bombay.
[pleasant music]
- [Mike] Hey, Darrin,
down in front!
- [Crow] Down in front!
- [Woman Narrator]
You enter America.
First, a party with
all your friends there
to wish you good luck.
- [Tom] A giant clam!
- [Mike] Ah!
- [Woman Narrator] Next,
you'll be escorted by a guide
past the door of
the round building,
the entranceway to America.
This is the ultimate
answer, the ideal.
This is what you've all--
- [Mike] The cast of "Godspell."
- [Woman Narrator] America,
the land of beauty,
where all your dreams
will come true.
- [Mike] America.
- [Tom] Oh, America.
- [Woman Narrator] You
have all been trained.
America,
the happiness of your new world
forever, forever, forever!
- [Tom] Oh, they blew their
budget on the echo chamber.
[applauding]
- [Crow] America not
available in some areas.
[applauding]
- [Mike] Thank you,
we'll now begin the
Aunt Clara symposium.
- Does anyone have
any questions?
- [Tom] Yeah, are you
and Dick York friends?
- Yes, Richard?
- Dr. Jameson, I
found something today
that I think might
be from America.
It was floating in the river.
- What is it?
- [Crow] It's a Gambino, sir.
- [Mike] Future
anchorman, there.
- [Tom] We chipped in
and got you this beer.
- This is not from America.
It comes from the river.
- [Crow] What, where you cloned
from a sack of doorknobs?
- I'll just keep
it for the museum.
- But it's mine.
- [Mike] You wanna watch "Sonny
& Cher" tonight, young man?
- Richard, this
belongs to all of us.
- [Tom] Dick Sargent, Communist.
- [Mike] Oooh.
- Well, that's it.
Good afternoon, all.
If you have any
further questions,
please go to the confessional.
[audience applauding]
- [Crow] Stop that
man, he has my can!
- [Mike] Dick Sargent
is the Bionic Woman.
- Find out how this got
through the water valves
and who the hell was
in charge of cleanup?
I want them out of here!
- [Crow] Mr. York?
- [Mike] Mr. York, will
you sign this, Mr. York?
- [Crow] Line up to hear
Firefall's latest hit.
[somber music]
- [Female Voice]
How may we help you?
- I have a question.
- [Mike] I'll hang
up and listen.
- What does
M-I-L-W-A-U-K-E-E spell?
- [Female Voice] Please wait.
- [Tom] It spells $2.99 a case.
- [Female Voice]
M-I-L-W-A-U-K-E-E
appears to be some sort
of nonsense spelling.
- [Mike] Oh, it's Microsoft
Spell Check by Phone.
- Dr. Jameson told me it
could be found in the river.
- [Female Voiceover]
One moment, please.
- [Tom] Dr. Jameson
is a big, dumb phony.
- [Female Voiceover] There
is a rare kind of mineral
that is called "Milwaukee."
It can only be found in
certain parts of the river.
- [Mike] Uh, do you buy that?
- Can it be found in America?
- [Female Voice] No, it can not.
Is there anything else?
- [Crow] Charles Van Dorken.
- [Tom] They need better
funding for their language lab.
- [Female Voice] I'm
glad we could help you.
[Crow chuckling]
- [Crow] You'd get better
exercise sitting on a couch.
- [Mike] Daddy, Rex
Tree, the Lumpy Man!
[Crow and Tom laughing]
- [Crow] The "go
as slow as you can
"without tipping over" race.
[Tom giggling]
[pleasant music]
- [Mike] A separate piece...
Of crap!
[Tom laughing]
- [Tom] Oh hi, Richard!
- [Crow] Hey, Richard!
- [Mike] Hi, Richard!
- [Tom] The rare tree dork.
- [Crow] Thanks
for the subpoena.
- [Mike] "Parts: The
Visible Panty Line Horror."
- [Tom] Ugh.
- [Crow] The clone yards
of Ernest and Julio Gallo.
- [Mike] We're
done picking dirt.
- [Tom] I guess Bing
Crosby was selling hats.
- [Crow] It says, "Please
help me down from this tree."
- [Tom] Oh, a lock
of his back hair.
- [Mike] "Would you like
to share a quarter can
"of water Old Mill with me?"
[birds chirping]
- [Tom] Oh, it's the refund
for my nose job, good.
- [Crow] Tome Jones, here.
- [Mike] Okay, people,
time to harvest more ticks.
[whistle blowing]
- [Tom] Bozo Circus
is on the air!
[singing circus tune]
- [Lena] Hello, I'm Lena.
- [Richard] I'm Richard.
- [Crow] I'm Richard,
I gotta remember that.
I'm so bad with names.
[crickets chirping]
- [Mike] The scene was lit by
an Indiglo watch apparently.
- Hey.
- [Tom] Kiss me, you feeb.
- Why did you ask me here?
- Because I wanted
to talk to you.
From the first day we met,
I knew there was something
different about you.
- [Mike Deep Voice] There is?
- You know what it is?
Your eyes.
They're so alive.
- [Crow] Your
nose, so truncated.
- You know, I noticed
the difference too.
I mean, you're not
like my friends.
- [Tom] You're more icky.
- Yours like mine, Richard.
Why?
- I don't know, Lena, I
asked the confessional
and it just said that it
was all part of the plan.
- [Mike] Like Dan
Fogelberg said.
- Yeah, me too.
- Hey.
- What?
- It's getting a little cold.
How about some
firewood and a fire?
- [Crow] Mmm, she burns good.
- [Richard] How long
before you leave?
- [Tom] Later on.
- For America?
Oh, I don't know.
- [Mike] Watch your head there.
- We go when it's time
and when we're ready.
- Yeah, that's
what they tell us.
Constantly.
Where do you work, Lena?
- I work in the [muffled word].
- Huh?
- Oh, I like it, it's nice.
- [Mike] I like the
[gibberish word].
- Gives me time to write.
- Write?
- Yeah, I write my
thoughts and my ideas.
- [Crow] I've already
filled a Post-it note.
- It was my special
place for writing.
- It was?
- [Tom] I'm not listening.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.
- Oh, come on, Lena, don't
be like everyone else.
You can tell me what's wrong.
- Big slab.
- Richard, we are not supposed
to be talking like this.
They told me it
was not important.
- What's not important?
- [Crow] My gosh you're ugly.
- His name was Allan
and we met in compound
four when we were 16.
- [Mike] When I had a nose.
- You know, he's
beautiful, Richard.
- [Tom] Not like you.
- His hair was like the
sun and his eye were green.
No, he really was beautiful.
- [Crow] There was this
thing one time, I saw it.
Boy, it was really neat too.
- I never heard anybody
talk like that before.
- Oh, I'm sorry, then I won't--
- No, go on.
- [Tom] I love it when you talk
about your other boyfriend.
- He was a friend.
I mean, we were in love.
- [Crow] Right.
- And when it came time
for him to go to America,
we asked if he could stay.
- [Crow] Oh sure, sure.
- They said no.
And we asked if I could
go and they said no
and finally they said he
didn't have to go at all.
- [Crow] Uh-huh.
- And?
- And he disappeared.
- [Crow] Huh?
- No one knows anything,
not even his roommate.
- [Mike] Let's
crack the Pringles.
- What must be must be.
- Don't you get tired
of hearing that?
- [Crow] They're at EST camp.
- [Lena] What's wrong?
- I've never heard
anyone say that.
I mean, I've thought of that.
- [Tom] I think.
- But I've never
heard anyone say it.
Everyone here believes
what must be must be.
- Richard, stop!
We're not supposed to
be talking like that.
- Why? There's nobody
within miles of us.
- [Mike] I used "agree" today.
- You know, you're right.
[Tom chuckling]
- You know, Lena?
- What?
- I love it when you laugh.
- [Crow] Boy, if
only you had a nose.
- I like you.
- [Tom] You have skin.
[pleasant music]
- I like you a lot.
- [Mike] Look at that, he
has really feminine hands.
[Crow laughing]
- [Crow] Shouldn't we wrestle
and slap each other now?
[upbeat music]
- [Mike] I guess I gotta go
a little easier next time.
- You know, right
before I met you,
I found a piece of metal
and it had a word on it.
- [Tom] Only you can
prevent groin fires.
- "Milwaukee."
And I asked...
- Wow.
- If it came from
America and they said no.
- [Crow] Hmmm.
- And then I asked
the confessional
and it said it was a
plant from the ocean.
- [Crow] She really was
on top of Ol' Smokey, huh?
[Tom chuckling]
- You know, when I
was a little girl
and I lived in the north
section, I saw something.
- [Mike] Wow, that's amazing.
- One day, I was out playing
and I saw one of the guide cars.
- [Tom] Really?
- And there was something
there that was covered,
so I was curious and a peeked.
- [Richard] And?
- [Tom] She looks like
Henry Silva in a wig.
- I saw one of the
older members, Richard.
He was very still.
- [Mike] She fell asleep
on dermabrasion wheel.
- [Crow] Ow.
- And they said he was asleep,
that sleep was very important.
But I'll never forget
how odd it looked.
- [Tom] Do you like paper?
- We've gotta find out more.
- No.
I'm frightened.
- I am too.
But something's not right.
Unanswered questions,
Lena, have to be answered.
- Richard, no, please.
I am frightened, you
don't understand that.
- It'll be okay.
- [Mike] Come on, let's put
out our flaming crotches
and we'll find your nose.
- Hey.
Trust me.
- [Crow] After all,
I look like the guy
on "Three's Company."
- [Richard] Okay?
- [Mike] Is your face
made out of clay or...
- Okay.
- [Tom] Now let's help Jack
and Krissy move that couch.
[gunshot booming]
- Ow!
[Mike, Crow and Tom
huffing and groaning]
- [Mike] Des Moines Olympics
are kind of a letdown,
aren't they?
- Richard.
Are you okay?
- I'm fine.
- [Crow] I'm just a puss.
- I see, well you slowed down.
I thought maybe it was
your ankle or something.
- No, I just slowed down.
- I don't understand.
You can't just slow down.
When you're in a
race you have to win.
- Why?
- Why?
What kind of a question is that?
- [Tom] I'm just your
Time Life operator.
- Why get involved
in a race at all
if you're not gonna
give it all you've got?
- [Mike] Was this an
after school special?
- I gave it all
I wanted to give.
I just didn't feel like winning.
- I'll have to report this.
- To who?
- [Crow] To the council
of loser clones.
- I'll have to report that too.
- [Tom] It's
starting to stack up.
- Can I go now?
- Sure you can go.
- [Mike] Yeah, report my ass.
- [Tom] This is one of the
12 Steve Prefontaine movies
being released this year.
It's great.
- [Mike] "Crotch Fires and You."
- [Tom] Let's see, "Jake
Cardigan pulled his hovercraft."
[ominous music]
- [Mike] Did I finish
those cheese curls?
- [Tom] Doo, doo, doo.
[gasping]
- [Crow] I'm coming, Elizabeth.
I'm coming.
Elizabeth, I'm coming.
- [Mike] Feels like
an elephant clone
is sitting on my chest.
- [Tom] The James Garner Story.
- [Crow] Beef.
It's what's for dinner.
Oh.
- [Mike] Hi, we're your
heart attack consultants.
- [Tom] Let's get you out
on that track, young man.
- [Mike] Oh, please be careful.
My chalky, spongy midsection.
[ominous music]
- [Crow] On Tuesdays you
get extra prints for free!
- [Tom] God, the
human body is hideous.
- Huh.
Well, I can't see anything.
- [Mike] You're dull
and lumpy inside too.
- What did it feel like?
- It felt like a burning
sensation in my chest.
- [Crow] Well, Richard,
did you makes a run for
the boarder earlier today?
- Are you sleeping okay?
- Sure, fine.
It just happened so quick,
I don't know what it is.
- [Tom] Have you been
eating your boogers?
- Let me ask you, Richard?
Do you spend a lot of
time in the country?
- Or down by the river?
- No.
Why?
- Oh, no reason.
It's just that the
air by the river
is not really very good for you.
- [Tom] Uh-huh.
- We just thought that it might
have something to do with it.
- [Mike] Am I dead?
- What do you think it is?
- Oh, just a little attack
of the nerves, I guess.
After all, you're probably
excited about going to America.
- [Tom] Today!
- Yes.
You're scheduled
to go in two days.
- [Crow] We traded
you to Cincinnati.
- We were going to wait but
you've been progressing so well,
we're letting you go early.
- Jeez.
- Isn't that nice?
- [Mike] Ugh.
- Great.
- So why don't you go and
get some sleep, all right?
Take these pills just
before you go to bed,
I'm sure you're not going
to have any trouble at all.
- [Mike] Can I bring
my bike to America?
- Okay.
- [Tom] Nice gal.
- Well, did you hear enough?
- He's lying.
- [Crow] He looks
like an adult fetus.
- [Mike] They found my nose!
- [Tom] The tight short
clinic has been so much fun!
- I'm so happy to see you.
- [Crow] Allan and I are getting
married, isn't that great?!
- Lena, we're being watched.
- Richard, what're
you talking about?
- I tried a test last night.
I pretended I was sick
when no one was around.
We are being watched.
- Richard, why
would they watch us?
For what reason?
- [Richard] I don't know.
- [Mike] Maybe to see if
we do that rubbing thing.
- [Tom] Let's go pray at the
shrine of Dolly the sheep.
[wind howling]
- [Crow] Are you going
to Bobby's America party?
- Lena, there's something
strange happening here
that we're not
allowed to know about.
- I know.
Richard, ever since
you and I met,
the guides look at me strangely.
- Did you see the way they
looked at us when we first met?
They got angry.
- Speak to the confessional.
- I don't get any answers
from the confessional.
I think the only place
I'm gonna find any answers
is America.
- [Crow] Today!
- And I'm gonna try
and get there tonight.
- [Crow] Or today!
- But Richard,
you're not qualified.
- Look, I saw the guides.
They took George up to
the building in the hill
after his party.
I think that's a
good place to start.
I'm gonna try and get in.
- [Tom] If my SATs
are good enough.
- No.
- [Crow] You and your big nose!
- [Mike] So you wanna take
your shirt off now or...
- Lena, I have to go.
I've got to find out.
Don't be frightened.
- I am frightened, Richard.
I'm very frightened.
I'm never gonna see you again.
- Of course you're
gonna see me again.
I'm gonna go to America,
find out the answers
and I'm gonna come back.
- Richard, why?
Why do you have
to go to America?
- [Tom] Today!
- Because I have to find
out for you and for me
and for everyone else.
- [Crow] For the
baby I'm carrying.
- Lena, you can't say
anything to anybody.
- [Tom] I'll leave you a
lump of dough with hair on it
to remind you of me.
[dramatic music]
- Lena.
- [Mike] She's trying to
start his crotch on fire
with her mind.
- [Crow] Whoa, there
at Chuck Berry's ranch.
- [Tom] Aren't
these stables phony?
[electrical buzzing]
- [Crow] Yeah, Secretariat
is a personal friend of mine.
[upbeat music]
[singing tune]
- Ah, red!
- Hey, that was blue, I saw.
- No it wasn't.
- You're in the molasses swamp.
- I am not.
- Yeah, he's in molasses swamp.
- [Both] You're
in molasses swamp!
You're in molasses swamp!
You're in molasses swamp!
- Mike...
- You're in molasses swamp!
- You know me.
I'm a patient woman.
- You're in molasses swamp!
- Shut up!
Oh, momma, do I need a break.
I sure could use that old
electronic babysitter right now.
So could you guys quick
whip up a TV show,
maybe one of them
public kid shows.
You know, educational.
You know the kind of
crap I'm talking about.
[Bobo groaning]
[laughing]
- Ah, Mrs. Forrester,
so you need me
and I have all the power.
[laughing]
Once again you see there
is nothing you can possess
which I cannot take away.
Too bad.
The Havidos could've warned you
if only you spoke Havidos.
[speaking foreign language]
- Ugh.
Oh, would you just help me out.
Hey, kids, "Satellite
of Love" is on.
- Oh, I don't like
that show, it's dumb.
- It's got robots.
- Robots are dumb, you're dumb.
- I took the liberty of
making some fruit leather.
- What the hell is--
- [Kids] Fruit leather!
[chiming music]
♪ We'll have fun on
the Satellite of Love ♪
♪ Today
[giggling]
- Hi, kids!
- Hi.
- I'm Crow the...
Cow.
[laughing]
And this is Tommy the
timid tuna, right.
- Aaaww.
- Today's letter...
- A.
- A?
- [Both] A!
[laughing]
[clearing throat]
- Today's number.
- Three.
[gasping]
- Three?
[laughing]
So today...
Today we learned...
- A
and three.
♪ Today we learned
♪ A and three
♪ Today we learned A and three
[laughing]
- I love you.
♪ Today we learned
♪ A and three
♪ Today we learned A and three
[giggling]
- Moo.
- Great, thanks.
I'm gonna sneak out and
see if I can find a casino
on this crumby planet.
[speaking foreign language]
[cheering]
[upbeat Latin music]
- Woo!
[speaking foreign language]
- Agua.
Agua.
[cheering]
[upbeat Latin music]
[crying]
I'll get you for this, Nelson!
[cheering]
[upbeat Latin music]
[alarm buzzing]
[yelling foreign language]
[mechanical buzzing]
[water bubbling]
[beeping]
[door creaking]
- [Tom] Weee!
- [Crow] Super Dave Osborne
come to turn down the bed.
- 807, secure.
- [Mike] Proceeding to number
eight to re-pet the bunny.
- [Tom] Leave the hall light on!
Oh.
- [Mike] Well, I'm wet already.
- [Crow] I'm gonna get the
last of the Frusen Glaädjé.
[ominous music]
- [Tom] The director just
points the camera at the lamp
and trusts the lamp
to carry the scene.
- [Mike] I forgot to have
my nightly glass
of cottage cheese.
- [Crow] He's gonna
wake up the whole floor
and tell them about
that damn can again.
- [Tom] Sssh, I
don't wanna wake me.
- [Mike] It takes a dork.
- [Crow] You know, everything's
so dramatic with him.
He's just going to the lavatory.
- [Tom] I'm gonna head
to the student union
and shake a candy machine
till a Clark Bar comes out.
[Mike giggling]
- [Mike] This movie was really
a promotional film for UW-Stout.
- [Tom] No one knew how
to hit the shuttlecock.
They're all getting F's!
- [Mike] I work for
the Clonus Project.
We get free coffee.
[eerie music]
- [Crow] I left my
flute in the band room.
- [Tom] Ow!
- [Mike] Hi, Richard.
- [Tom] Yah, yep.
- Come on, it can wait
five minutes, can't it?
I just poured myself
a cup of coffee.
- [Crow] Now, now,
now, Harvey, Harvey.
- Yeah, so?
- [Mike] You talking to me?
You telling me to
put down my coffee?
- Look, Ernie,
it's clear over on the
other side of the facility.
Have a heart.
- [Tom] I'm gonna
free Randle McMurphy!
- [Crow] He's a nurse's aid
that doesn't play by the rules.
[Tom singing tune]
- Okay.
Okay, I said I'm coming.
- [Mike] This job ain't
worth the free puffy hats!
[ominous music]
- [Tom] I just
authorized myself.
- [Crow] I'm gonna
amortize the crap
out of some of
these spreadsheets.
- [Mike] Just gonna change
my nutritional chart
to include more pop.
[Mike chuckling]
You know, I think they
cloned him from Timer,
the cheese mascot.
- [Tom] Let's face it,
clones are rock stupid.
[ominous music]
- [Crow] Larry Dallas
is "The Saint."
- [Mike] It might
help him at this point
if he had an objective
of some sort.
- [Crow] You know, the
truth is out there.
- [Tom] Oh, neat.
- [Mike] Sure it is.
- [Tom] Let's see, "smoking
crotch, smoking crotch,
"smoking crotch."
[ominous music]
- [Crow] Gotta see if
there's hot dog tater bake
on next week's lunch menu.
- [Mike] The Clonus Project
seems remarkably disorganized.
- [Crow] Yeah, they
really need to get online.
- [Tom] Yeah.
[foreboding music]
[Tom chanting in demonic voice]
[Crow laughing]
- [Crow] That's pretty good.
- [Mike] What do you know, we
aren't at war with Eurasia.
[ominous music]
- [Tom] As soon as
I get to America
I'm going straight to Branson!
[Mike singing "Mission:
Impossible" tune]
Marty, we'll march into Masina
and I'll sweep down
from the north.
[somber music]
- [Crow] Yeah, I saw
"The Dead" there,
I saw "The Dead" there.
Yah, saw "The Dead" there too.
- [Tom] The lip-less horror.
- [Mike] Now I get it.
I don't understand a thing.
- [Crow] Darn.
- [Tom] Hey, anybody
ever been to Milwaukee?!
[Crow chuckling]
[Tom shushing]
- [Crow] Sorry.
[Mike singing "Alfred
Hitchcock Presents" music]
[military drumming]
Rat-a-tat-tat.
Old Milkwaukee, Blatz,
Hooper, Howenstein,
Chief Oshkosh.
[footsteps thumping]
- [Mike] They'll
never know I was here.
[somber music]
- [Tom] Security, huh?
A very complex security system.
- [Mike] This is probably
the most interest
anyone has shown in Milwaukee.
- [Crow] He's
trying to find a map
to the original Cunningham
house on "Happy Days."
[somber music]
- [Tom] "Camp Reject
was developed to
house all the losers."
- [Mike] Wow, this
guy's hideous!
Oh, it's me.
- [Crow] Thanks to Miss
Taylor's fourth grad class
for transcribing our
secret clone notes.
- [Tom] Yearbook
staff, two, three.
- [Mike] They don't need
to know this about me.
- [Crow] Maybe the
ear clip is to trace
his migratory patterns?
[footsteps thumping]
- [Mike] Black
helicopter, Roswell,
Area 51, Waco,
formula for Coca-Cola.
[foreboding music]
- [Crow] Ah, here it is,
"Parts: The Clonus Horror."
Should explain everything.
- [Tom] I have been
wanting to read this book.
- [Mike] Great, someone
taped "Models Inc."
[chuckling]
- [Crow] Uh, the network's down.
- [Tom] Yeah, I tried that.
- [Mike] Well, I'm
not waiting up.
[foreboding music]
- [Tom] Good morning, Mr. Lump.
- [Narrator] Each cell in
the human body contains--
- [Mike] Hi.
- [Crow] Hi.
- [Narrator] It is
these chromosomes,
one set from each parent,
that determine who
and how we are.
- [Mike] Mom, I'm
watching cartoons.
- [Narrator] Genetic roadmaps.
The process of reproduction
finds a sperm cell
and an egg cell.
- [Crow] Excuse me.
Excuse me, please.
Excuse me, trying
to get through.
- [Narrator] Joining
and reproducing.
- [Tom] We've been hit!
- [Narrator] The
cell is complete,
resulting in a separate organism
that shares the
traits of its parents.
- [Mike] Mr. Mutant
and Mrs. Freak.
- [Narrator] In 1931,
we successfully removed
the nucleus of a female--
- [Crow] Hey!
What's the idea,
I was using that.
- [Narrator] The
replacement nucleus,
which contained two
sets of chromosomes--
- [Tom] Duh.
Duh, duh.
Duh, duh, duh.
- [Narrator] Resulting
in a second organism
exact in every
respect to the first.
- [Mike] And butts were born.
- [Narrator] This process has
come to be called "cloning."
- [Tom] Duh, duh, duh, duh.
- [Narrator] Armed
with this technology
and unlimited funding,
we established "Clonus."
[Crow laughing]
Isolated and secure,
Clonus is a breeder
facility for clones.
- [Crow] Secret.
- [Narrator] Each a unique
duplicate of a counterpart
either domestic
or international.
- [Crow] And the food!
- [Narrator] One of the most
serious problems encountered
was the suppression
of individuality.
This problem proved temporary
as medical technicians
learned that through
simple lobotomies...
- [Crow] Ow.
- [Narrator] These clones
could be made benign
and cooperative.
- [Mike] I like mittens.
[footsteps thumping]
- [Narrator] Further research
led to the perfection of--
- [Crow] Well that was a waste.
I didn't find out a thing.
- [Tom] Convenient
he happened in to
the Department of Backstory.
[ominous music]
- [Mike] No one's
guarding my father!
- [Crow] He's a renegade mime.
- [Tom] Okay.
I should be in Milwaukee by now.
- [Crow] "Chariots of Puss."
- [Mike] Trot, trot for my life.
- [Tom] Just his luck,
he's gonna get killed
by Merv Griffin.
- [Jameson] Dr. Nelson,
hold that elevator!
- [Mike] I can't, it's too big.
- [Crow] Nelson.
And he bumps right
into Bruce Willis.
[bell ringing]
- [Tom] I think Yoshi
parked up on seven.
- [Mike] Boy, the water's
really good today.
- [Nelson] You got here early
this morning, Dr. Jameson.
- I had to.
- [Tom] Rode in with Endora.
- A lot to do.
- [Crow] Ride the elevator
ride at Six Flags Over Texas!
[Tom groaning]
[Tom gagging]
- [Mike] You going to Applebee's
for Karen's birthday lunch?
- [Tom] I suppose we have to.
[Mike groaning]
- [Crow] This is what
happens when Ottis Elevator
sponsors a movie.
Hey, hey, stop it!
- [Mike] Ah, don't do that.
- [Tom] Bill
Muscleman, Private I.
- This is Davis in records.
There's something wrong,
we've been busted into.
Sound the alert.
- [Mike] I hope he never
becomes the naked prey.
- [Tom] Yeah.
[alarm buzzing]
- [Mike] You turn the light on.
That's why you're my assistant.
- [Crow] He didn't fluff!
- I don't care what it takes.
We gotta find it
and get that tape!
- What'd they say?
[Tom singing "Mario
Bros." theme music]
- They'll find it.
What're you worried about?
It can't get away.
[foreboding music]
[Tom growling]
[Crow whimpering]
- [Crow] It's the map
of the shopping district
in Des Plaines.
[Mike chuckling]
[Tom whimpering]
- [Mike] A member of
Mummenschanz is on the lamb.
- Oh, they're watching
the "Mondrian" channel.
[Tom giggling]
[Mike whimpering]
[exciting music]
- [Tom] Maybe have to rethink
their $11 security budget.
- [Mike As Woody Allen]
"He's running through
"fields of wheat."
- [Tom] "Wheat."
- [Crow] "Plenty of wheat."
- [Crow] Lou Rawls
is "The Equalizer."
- [Tom] Kind of
a weird biathlon.
[gunshot booming]
Ow.
- [Crow] The bullets
caused the Kettle Moraine.
- [Mike] I feel disappointment
that I was shot.
- [Tom] There,
there's the flavor!
- [Crow] Let's get our
trained gnats after him!
- [Mike] Gentlemen, we have
a soft, lumpy target search.
[suspenseful music]
- [Guide] He's been
hit but not stopped.
He's headed toward
the outer perimeter.
- [Tom] Pew, "ow."
Pew, "ow."
Pew, "ow."
Pew, "ow."
Pew.
- [Mike] I'm starting
to think Peter Graves
didn't invest much
time in this movie.
- [Crow] Oh, he jumped right
into the soylent green factory.
- [Jameson] He's over the fence!
Damn it!
[computer beeping]
- [Tom] Would you stop playing
pong back there please?
- Mr. Walker!
- [Mike] Mr. Texas Ranger.
- A clone has escaped.
- [Tom] Pew, "ow."
Pew, "ow."
Pew, woo, "ow."
Pew, "ow."
Pew, "ow."
[Mike laughing]
Pew, "ow."
Pew.
- [Crow] He's taking
a lot of hits.
[foreboding music]
Oh, I bet they're filming a
truck commercial up there.
- [Mike] Look how many time
a coyote fell off that.
- [Crow] I am Kurock.
[whining]
- [Tom] Wow, this
is one tough hole.
Do you think?
- [Crow] Do it!
- Yes! Jump!
- Jump!
- Jump, do it, come on!
- Come on!
You want to!
- [Tom] Yes!
- [Crow] Jump!
- [Mike] He walked right
into Golan Heights.
- [Crow] Think how many new
things there are out there
for him to not understand.
- [Tom] I'm dreaming
about Pep Club.
- [Mike] I hope I get
the part of Chrissy.
[Crow snoring]
- [Crow] You're late for Econ!
- What's the matter?
No!
- [Tom] You will enjoy our
free continental breakfast!
- [Mike] He blends right
in with the dimwitted,
overly-armed southwest.
- [Crow] Oh, the Ravenite
Social Club social club.
- [Mike] It's the all white
version of "Salaam Bombay."
- [Crow] This isn't
exactly the naked city.
It's the clothing optional city.
- [Tom] There's gotta be
a clone counseling center
around here somewhere.
- [Mike] Watch, he'll run
into Chauncey Gardiner
coming the other way.
[Tom laughing]
- [Tom] Hi Sanford, hi son.
- [Crow] Wow, the arcade's
kind of under stocked.
- [Mike] "Don's
Pinball Machine."
- [Crow] James Galway
owns that porn theater.
- [Tom] "Oh, come right in and
enjoy some wholesome porn."
[traffic commotion]
- [Crow] It's Juan Epstein.
- [Tom] Hey, Lionel.
- [Mike] Is that Harley
Davidson or the Marlboro Man?
- [Crow] Can't tell.
That's Peter Fonda.
- [Tom] Gary Busey.
- [Mike] Malcolm Forbes.
- This is Unit Two.
I'm pursuing.
All right, 10-4.
- [Crow] This is "Then
Came Bronson," over.
[foreboding music]
- [Mike] Ow, over.
[motor rumbling]
- [Tom] Pew, "ow."
Pew, "ow."
[Crow laughing]
- [Crow] Even though I've
never seen one of these things,
I'm completely terrified!
[Tom whimpering]
Watch it!
- [Mike] Big tombstones
for the big and tall man.
[exciting music]
Hey, I just wanted to tell
you your zipper's down.
[gunshot booming]
- [Tom] Ow!
Ow!
[Mike chuckling]
- [Mike] Hi, how are
you? My name's Richard.
Can I borrow your bike,
that's really nice of you.
- [Crow] Gotta get to
the sculpture garden.
- [Boy] Hey, come
back with that!
That's my bike!
- [Mike] Pacific
blue afternoons.
- [Crow] Join us for
the East LA Fun Ride.
[Tom whimpering]
- [Tom] Oh, the garbage
ran in front of me!
- [Mike As Pee-Wee Herman]
"I meant to do that."
- [Crow] UPS man, down!
- [Tom] What is he doing?!
- [Mike] Ew.
- [Crow] Stop it! No heaving,
thrusting or splaying!
- [Mike] Honey, we got mimes.
- [Tom] You wanna
of them perverts?
- Hey, fella.
- [Crow] Go suck
someone else's garbage.
- You've been through
some really heavy scenes.
Come on, I'll give you a hand.
- [Mike] Trust me,
I'm Keenan Ivory Wynn.
- There's nothing
to be afraid of.
Come on, I'll give you a hand.
Come on, you're all
right, everything is fine.
Come on!
- [Tom] He talks
like Ruth Gordon.
[Crow whining]
- Good Lord.
- [Crow] Oh boy.
- He isn't hurt, he
had a bike accident.
Just get some hot water.
- Oh, I will.
Oh my gracious.
Take him in there, take
him in the other room.
- [Mike As Aunt Bee] "Andy!"
- Sit down here.
Perfectly all right.
- [Crow] Soon as Tanta
Kringle gets in here,
we'll get started.
- [Woman] There you go.
Oh, wow.
- [Richard] Can you help me?
They're after me
and I've got to find my--
- Oh, hush now, here.
- [Tom] I'm just gonna
pour ammonia in your eye.
- Anna will talk your leg off
while she's fixing you up.
- He says I talk too
much but I don't.
Oh.
- [Mike] You are a hunk of man.
- Try to get a word in
edge-wise around him.
- What is that?
- What?
- Right there, what is that?
- Oh, Jake, that's an earring.
They're all wearing them.
- [Crow] That means he's
a friend of Dorothy.
- Will you help me
find my other part?
- [Tom] Help you find Arvo Paärt?
- This part you
keep talking about.
- [Mike] Wow, that
is one sexy bun.
- [Crow] Yeah, her
hairstyle's cute too.
[Mike chuckling]
- [Tom] 53 hours of AOL?!
- This is your father.
- Let's see that.
Let's see it.
- All right, dear!
- I would like to.
- [Crow] Good improv.
- [Richard] I don't
know who he is.
I only know I'm his clone.
- Clone?
Clone, now where
have I heard that?
Clone.
Oh, I just--
- [Tom] Well.
- Jake, do you know
what a clone is?
- Just keep quiet for a
moment, will you, Anna?
- Everybody knows
what a clone is.
Let me see, I was reading
in the Digest the other day.
- [Crow] Think.
- [Anna] And there
was an article about--
- [Jake] Anna, would you just--
- [Anna] Tadpoles!
- Look, I broke into
the main building.
I got that paper and the
records of all my friends.
You know what
they're trying to do?
I can prove they're
trying to kill--
- Sonny, sonny, please.
Just keep it down.
- [Tom] All the
double-wides in LA,
he hold up with "The Lockhorns."
- The place.
- [Mike] A face
inspired by a tuna melt.
- Clonus.
- [Crow] Oh, the horror
down the street, sure.
- I'm going to help
you find your father.
Now, I'm a newspaper reporter.
- He's retired.
Forced to at 65!
- I am a newspaper reporter!
You don't have to tell me
right now who shot you.
- Yes, well you just leave
him be, will you, Jake?!
Now, let's look at this address.
- [Mike] Keenan Wynn is
Jack Perkins as Mr. Food.
- Well, I can tell
him how to get there.
- No you can't tell
him how to get there,
you're going with
him, right now!
- Anna.
- What?
- [Crow] If you weren't
pregnant, I'd leave you.
- Don't you think
he's maybe a little...
[Crow whimpering like a puppy]
- Won't you take me
to find my other part?
♪ Won't you take me to
find my other part ♪
- We will!
- [Richard] Will
you take me now?
- [Tom] Whoa!
- Yeah, I'll take you.
- Well, at last.
If he didn't, he'd never
hear the last of it.
Well, don't sit there, go.
- I'm going!
I have to put on a
necktie and a coat.
- [Crow] Do you realize
how much I hate you?!
- Jake!
[upbeat music]
- [All] Whoa!
- [Mike] Oh, why?
- [Crow] "Agua."
- "Once we killed
with stone clubs."
- [Crow] Richard
Harris as Robert Bly.
- "Now we kill
with atomic bombs."
Period.
Paragraph.
- [Mike] And erase it all.
- Are you through yet?
- Why, do I bore you?
- Today, yes.
- [Tom] Everyday, yes.
- What about the idea
of taking today off?
No dull philosophy for you
and no boring speech
writing for me.
- You bored campaigning
with your Uncle Jeff?
- [Crow] Mark Spitz and
Michael Caine at home.
- [Mike] Oh no, no, no, oh.
- [Crow] Oh boy.
Stay.
- [Tom] Don't.
- [Mike] Oh, we've found
it, this is the horror.
- [Tom] Stop it! What
have we ever done to you?
- And you try to blind
those who cannot see.
- [Crow] With your
shrink-wrapped batch.
- That's a good line.
Using that in the class?
- [Tom] A bad version
of "Prick Up Your Ears."
- Who's red?
- Me.
- Excuse me.
I beg your pardon.
Mr. Richard Knight?
- Yes.
- [Crow] The neighbors
have got together
and bought your friend a robe.
- Richard Patrick Knight?
- [Richard] You have
the advantage on me.
- I'm sorry.
My name is Jake Noble.
- [Mike] Napoleon imitator.
- I wonder if I could
talk to you in private.
- This is my son, Rick.
We can certainly
speak in front of him.
What is it that you want?
- [Tom] To cover his parts.
- Oh, I have your other son.
- Other son, what're
you talking about?
What other son?
- The one who was shot.
The one who keeps
talking about Clonus.
- Look, Mr. Noble, I
don't know who you are,
I don't know what you want
but I've got a lot of work
to do and my son, here--
- He's right outside.
- [Crow] Let's show
him what he's won.
- But I don't have another son.
- Oh, really?
Well then how do
you explain this?
- [Mike] I got out
of my car seat.
Oh, and you need
to change me again.
- What is this, a joke?
- [Tom] Are you a
clown, do you amuse me?
- [Mike] Another Scott Baio.
- [Tom] Wow!
- [Crow] Did the guys at
the office set this up?
- Who are you?
- I'm you, Mr. Knight.
I'm your clone.
- [Tom] Oh, that's right,
I ordered one and forgot.
[ominous music]
- [Walker] Don't tell me that.
- [Crow] It's dirty.
- [Walker] Damn it,
why am I paying you
all of this money for security?
I don't care what it takes.
- [Mike] We should get cubicles.
- [Walker] If you can't handle
it, I've got people who can.
Now I don't have to remind
you what could happen to you
if that tape got into
the wrong hands, do I?
- [Jameson] No, sir.
- [Walker] Well do I?
- [Jameson] No, sir.
- [Tom] Well do I?
- [Mike] No, sir.
- [Walker] I knew
you'd see it my way.
- [Crow] I thought
it was skin cream
but it was Elmer's Glue.
- [TV Narrator] An ongoing and
self-supporting institution
of service and research.
- [Mike] At Oral
Roberts University.
- That's incredible.
- Difficult to believe
is more like it.
- [Tom] Will you
wipe me, clone daddy?
- Get up!
- [Jake] What're you doing?
- [Mike] Oh.
- [Old Richard] He
is a clone, my clone!
- [Crow] Ugh, like the movie
wasn't horrible enough?!
- Someone took bits of you
and created a duplicate.
- [Mike] Are you mad
at me, clone daddy?
- Damned if I know.
- Now this place you keep
talking about, Clonus.
- [Tom] Is there a bar?
- Is everybody
from there a clone?
- No, they're all my friends
and then there are the
guides and the doctors
and that's all I've
ever seen on Clonus.
- Why?
Why Clonus and who's doing it?
- [Ricky] Where is Clonus?
- I don't know!
I am confused!
- [Crow] Put me in
my Johnny Jump Up!
- I ran a long ways.
And then I came up to the
boulders and I looked down
and this is what I saw.
- If he escape from Clonus.
- [Crow] Yeah.
- Somebody is probably
looking for him right now.
Jake?
- [Mike] A nice
roast beef sandwich
with horseradish on it.
- Well I hope you're right.
- [Tom] Do you cry
a lot, clone daddy?
- We better proceed
as if nobody,
nobody else knows you exist
or where you are.
- Professor.
You know that tip will blow
the lid off of everything?
- [Crow] Speaking of,
where's the bathroom?
- [Ricky] Yeah but what're
we gonna do with it
in the meantime?
- I'll take it home.
- [Ricky] You?
- [Mike] I'm gonna
tape golf over it.
- I know where to keep it.
- That's good.
Rick, is Jeff at home?
- Sure.
[Mike, Tom and Crow laughing]
- Fine, I wanna speak to Jeff
and meet him somewhere.
This whole thing is
probably something
the public is not
supposed to know about.
Jeff may have heard
of this place, Clonus,
and can fill in some
of the empty blanks.
- I don't think so, Dad,
because I know just
about everything
that's going on with Jeff.
- [Tom] Uh-huh.
- Professor, are you talking
about the Jeff Knight?
- Senator Knight's my brother.
- That's very interesting.
- Yeah, well, he'll
know if anybody will
or know he'll know
how to find out.
I'm going to try to call him.
- We'll go take care
of everything, son.
- [Tom] And they all
head into the closet.
- [Rick] Looks like you
could use some new clothes.
Let me get you some.
Does your shoulder hurt?
- [Crow] Let me get you
some boot-cut jeans,
some mesh cut off tees
and some tight cargo shorts.
- [Tom] Hey, short
time companion.
- [Rick] You look so sad.
Everything's going
to be all right.
- [Crow] So, you're
stupid, hideous,
ugly and repulsive
clone, so what?
Ugh, boy.
- This is not my world.
- [Mike] It's a
marshmallow world.
- I am so alone here.
- [Tom] Well, there's the Ropers
and Jack Tripper downstairs.
- [Mike] Hello?
- [Crow] Grandma's back
and she had Ensure.
- Rich, hey!
- [Tom] There he is.
- Sorry I'm late.
- It's okay, thanks for coming.
- Oh, well, you know, trying
to get away from the campaign.
- Sorry, sorry.
- I hope Rick's taking
the day off too.
- He sure is.
- [Tom] Peter Graves
movie bookend.
- This supposed clone you
mentioned on the telephone.
- [Crow] Is he cute?
- Where is he?
- My house, why?
- [Mike] He's need
for "Biography."
- Well, because this is big.
It's really big.
Is the tape at your place too?
- How did you know about that?
I didn't say anything
about a tape.
- Well, I just assumed.
Everything's on tape
today, isn't it?
- No, you didn't assume,
you know, didn't you?
- [Tom] All right, draw.
- [Jeff] Yeah, you saw the tape?
- Yeah and it's scary.
- [Crow] Adam Sandler's in it.
- All right, you know
part of the story,
there is such a project.
- [Mike] On "Biography"
tonight on A&E.
- It's still in the
experimental stage.
- [Tom] It's called
"Biography On Ice."
- But the fact that
you know about it
leaves you sitting right
on a keg of dynamite.
- [Mike] Oh, hey, and
remember to watch "Biography."
Paul Lynde, tonight.
- [Crow] Climb aboard
"The Monkey Business."
Donna Rice is
waiting below deck.
- [Tom] We have brainstormed
a lot of good biographies
on this baby.
- You're gonna find
this hard to understand.
I know I do.
- [Mike] You can't
be on "Biography."
- The whole thing is
about organ transplants.
- What?
- That's right, hearts,
kidneys, lungs, all that.
- [Crow] Thumbs,
elbows, nasal hair.
- If a person needs an
organ transplant, his clone,
which is an exact
duplicate of him,
can provide him one very easily.
- They're used for
transplants for who?
- Well, obviously
not for everyone.
It wouldn't be
practical or economical.
- [Tom] Or Republican.
- I see, for the select few.
Those the politicians decide.
While you try to
create a master race.
- Consider the possibilities.
Supposed Einstein had lived.
Suppose Churchill or Roosevelt
had been able to live
for nearly 200 years and
still function for the world!
- Or Stalin or Hitler.
- [Crow] Yeah, right, exactly.
- Ever since we
were little kids,
you've been doing that
knight on a crusade.
There are a lot of
things more important.
There is the good of the people.
- Good of the people?!
- [Tom] "Good of the
people! Good of the people!"
[Mike laughing]
- He's been shot!
You're telling me that's
for the good of the people?
- [Mike] Fine, then
you host "Biography."
- Using that boy for transplants
is premeditated murder.
Those people are being kept
prisoner for a specific purpose,
which eventually
leads to their death!
What happened to
their human rights?
What?
- Well that's exactly the point.
Human rights.
Clones are not humans,
they're things.
- They're people!
Exactly like us!
- No they're not.
If it weren't for us,
they wouldn't even exist.
- [Tom] On "Biography."
- You're playing God.
Jeff, that's wrong!
- The ultimate intention
is to help humanity, Rich.
- Then why keep it a secret?
- Because as soon
as the word got out,
you know what would happen,
people would start yelling
"corruption and evil."
They'd condemn the
idea of immortality
as being against the
purpose of creation.
[Tom mimicking ape]
Or some nonsense like that
and you know what
they'd really be saying?
- [Mike] Bite me!
- "Why not me? Why
can't I have one?"
- Now this can't be kept secret.
It's legally and morally wrong!
[rumbling]
[beeping]
[mechanical buzzing]
[chains rattling]
[thudding]
- Hey, what's going
on down there, Mike?
- Well, the kids asked Mrs.
Forrester a difficult question,
so they're having
a serious talk.
You know, "that" talk.
- Ah.
Kirk versus Picard, huh?
Yeah, that's a tough one.
- Yeah, exactly.
- Oh, the facts of life.
Don't you kids get
the "Spice Channel?"
- I believe it was a
mediocre sitcom of the 1980s
starring Charlotte Rae.
Anyway...
- Now wouldn't you rather
have Tanta Bobo show you
how to use a stick to catch
some yummy, crunchy termites?
- No.
- Okay, okay, here we go then.
- When two brains
love each other,
they may decide they want
to share the same brain pan,
as it where.
- Every chick for herself,
that's the real facts
of life, cookie.
If he wants to dance, he's
gonna have to pay the band.
He wants to paint the house,
he's gonna have
to buy the enamel.
And the primer.
And you still might wanna
consider aluminum siding.
- Grandma Pearl, I don't know
what you're talking about.
- I'm not sure I
do either, darling.
But if he wants
to sod the lawn--
- Yes, lad, love is kind
and tender and delicate.
The gentle pleasures
of two people
connecting in love are many.
Love is a sort of
gossamer beauty
and ignore it!
Thankfully we've moved
beyond that nonsense.
- A really good mate's gonna
be able to outrun you for a bit
but just grab hold of one
leg and hang on tight,
you're gonna get kicked,
that's always part of it.
And an advanced tool user's
probably gonna nail you
with a few rocks.
And there are always
rivals to fend off.
That's why we have
the full charge.
Now I'm gonna demonstrate, so
don't worry, don't be scared.
Just watch me.
[growling]
[gagging]
Good boy, you'll go far.
[chuckling]
[upbeat music]
- If I need another heart,
what am I supposed to do?
- [Tom] I blew all
my "Biography" money.
Went straight up my nose.
- That heart operation
I had two years ago.
The heart came from
my adult clone.
It's exactly the same as
my old heart only younger
and stronger and without it,
I wouldn't be alive today.
- [Mike] In fact, I'm not.
- My new clone is just a baby.
- [Rich] Now wait a
minute, you have two?
- [Crow] Clone hog!
- I plan to be
around a long time.
And, Rich, I am offering you
a gift certificate to life
and you turn your back on me.
Your my brother and I love you.
Do you know the strings I had
to pull to get you cloned?
- [Rich] How did they clone
me without me knowing it?
- That's easy.
All it takes is one body cell.
It happened almost 30 years ago
during one of your physicals.
Rich, this is your
chance for immortality.
You don't have to
worry about dying
because there is a
duplicate of you.
And if you don't believe
it, go back and take a look
at that clone you have.
Its been conditioned for
30 years to make sure
that you and I stay
brother for a long time.
- [Tom] Mom says hi, by the way.
- [Mike] Well, I've had
my eye on a new spleen.
- I have to think
about all this.
- All right.
All right, you do that.
Because there are people
who will do anything
to make sure this
is kept secret.
People I can't stop.
- Jeff, I really have
to think about this.
Some of the things you've
said are well taken.
[Crow and Mike laughing]
- All right, then you go
on home, keep him there.
- [Mike] Nice boom mic.
- [Crow] I'll order you up
a gross of clones
in the meantime.
- And, Rich.
- [Mike] Sorry I
made you eat paste.
- Keep it capped.
Even I'm expendable if it
means keeping Clonus alive.
- [Tom] So what
happens if your clone
is a hard drinking,
hard living clone?
- [Crow] Sorry, we need your
liver to keep your clone alive.
Sail away!
- [Tom] I want my Teddy Grams.
- [Rich] Where is he?
- He's asleep and
Jake went home.
- Ah.
- [Crow] Sure.
- What did Jeff have to say?
- [Mike] Well, "Biography"
continues to do well.
- He said he'd look into it.
- He hadn't heard, huh?
[crying]
- [Crow] I wet another bed.
- [Rick] Well, maybe we
oughta call the papers.
- [Tom] Meatloaf sweats
less than this guy.
- We have to help him get back.
He misses his girl.
He's just like us.
- [Mike] Oh, wait,
that's not just like us.
- No he's not.
- [Mike] Wow.
- [Rich] He's a freak of nature.
- [Crow] Could you
turn down the heat?
It's like 90 in here.
- [Rich] I'm just saying,
whatever's going on
is out of our hands.
- [Tom] Can I watch
"Lion King" again?
- No, Jeff thinks
it's all a ruse.
Nothing to get seriously
concerned about.
It's just something that's....
[Tom slurping]
- If you're not gonna
call the papers,
then I'm gonna do it.
- [Mike] I'm calling
Michael Flatley.
- Damn it!
What is going on?!
[Tom laughing]
- [Rich] I can't tell you.
Honestly, son, please,
now I can't tell you.
- [Rick] You turned
him in, didn't you?
- [Tom] You're getting
divorced because of me!
- Richard in, didn't you?
- [Crow] Sure!
- No, I didn't.
I just talked to Jeff and
he told me the whole story.
He said do nothing
and he'll take care of it.
- [Tom] So you're not taking
me to the Harlem Globetrotters.
[Tom whimpering]
[Mike laughing]
- All I know is
you're talking crazy.
- [Mike] And I'm
the posture prince.
- No I'm not.
- [Crow] I can't smoke
chocolate, I know that now.
- Maybe because you're
young it sounds that way.
But when you grow older there's
a definite scheme to things.
You're born,
you run through life,
you wear out,
you die.
- [Tom] You have one
illegitimate son.
Oh, dang!
- So?
- So,
Clonus.
- [Crow] Walks
into a bar and he--
- I don't get it.
- [Tom] I'm not done.
- So Clonus replaces
what's warn out.
- [Mike] Did I eat all the
Kaboom or is there some left?
- [Rick] Have created
this clone farm,
an organ bank, right?
- What's wrong?
- [Crow] With my line read.
- With wanting to live?
- [Tom] Nothing,
unless it's you.
- You murder to do it.
- If they're not really human.
- [Crow] He needs
to be damp mopped.
- [Rick] Dad, he's
a human being.
- [Rich] No he's not.
- [Mike] He swallowed his lips!
- [Tom] Wow!
- No!
I'm just like you are!
- [Mike] Isn't that horrible?!
- [Crow] Duuuh.
- [Mike] Hey, a "Testosterossa."
- I wanna go back!
I have to go back.
- I wanna help you.
- No.
- [Tom] I just wet your car.
- Listen, I wanna
help you get back.
- [Crow] I'll lend
you my low-rise pants.
- Trust me.
- [Mike] Is this starting
to feel funny to you too?
- [Tom] There's a stirring
in my little clonus.
- [Crow] Oh, why
don't you kiss him
instead of holding
him to death?!
- [Mike] Now pull your top down
and pretend this never happened.
- [Tom] "Clonus: The
Boys In the Band Horror."
- [Crow] It's official, Dad,
we don't know what
you do for a living.
- You're gonna have to help us
or you're gonna have to kill me!
Because there's no way I'm
gonna keep quiet about this.
- There's nothing I can do!
It's out of my hands.
- Didn't I hear you
say just this morning
that we're all morally
responsible for all of our acts?
- [Mike] Ah, you kids with
your morals and your ethics
and your 8-track tapes, aaaah.
- All right.
All right, go.
- [Tom] And never
darken my towels again.
- Quickly.
- [Mike] Thank you, Sir Dad.
- I'll take him back while
you call the newspapers.
- I'll do it.
Son,
be careful.
Careful.
- [Tom] Okay, bye, me.
[Mike laughing]
- [Mike] "Starsky and Clone."
- [Tom] I wanna know if
they're gonna listen to BTO.
[engine rumbling]
- [Crow] And Abraham drove Issac
to the top of the mountain.
♪ One more clone
up in the canyon ♪
- Damn you!
- Sorry.
- [Tom] As long as they're here,
they should've
filmed in a cloud.
- I don't care about
anything right now.
Just Lena.
[faint speaking]
- [Crow] I can't hear
what they're saying
and, frankly, I don't care.
- [Mike] Sorry about our
pants toughing earlier.
- [Tom] The clone is tagged
and set free in its
natural environment.
[dramatic choir music]
- [Crow] If you have to take
a pee, I'll just turn around!
- [Mike] Where am I going again?
- [Tom] The
Bulgarian folk choir.
They arrived in limousine.
- [Crow] Well, thanks
for that liver, guys,
that was really nice of you.
[crickets chirping]
- [Mike] Hey, my clone's
doing all right for himself.
- [Tom] Door-to-door
"Biography."
I'd like to tell you
about the fascinating life
of Charles Grodin.
- Rich, we have to talk.
- [Crow] Some coffee
for your thugs?
- You might as well tell us
now, there is no backing out.
- I've already told you,
I don't know where he is
and I don't know
where the tape is.
- [Jeff] No, you're lying to me.
- [Mike] I'm gonna have
Barney rough you up.
- You're not sure, are you?
So you might as well tell
these gentleman to kill me.
That's what they're
here for, isn't it?
- Rich, I told you there
were people I can't stop.
- Besides, if you kill me,
you only have a couple
new parts, right?
- [Tom] The Sansabelt Murders.
- How does that work?
Can you do that?
Reprogram my mind so I that
I won't cause you
so much trouble.
Maybe even dance at
your inauguration.
- [Mike] Huge
lamps of the '70's,
tonight on "Biography."
- Is it really worth it, Jeff?
When did you change?
- [Crow] Dressed like
a liquor distributor.
- It is worth it
because I'm going
to be president.
- Oh.
- [Mike] Oh, you'll
be president, my butt.
- Jeff Knight, the
people's choice.
- [Jeff] Damn it,
where is the tape?
- I don't know,
truly, I don't know.
Maybe it's on the way
back to your clone farm.
Maybe it's on the way to
the newspapers, who knows?
- [Tom] Smack on him!
- [Crow] Sit on his head!
[Rich groaning]
- [Mike] Oh, you're gonna
write "dork' on his forehead.
- Cain raised up and slew Abel.
- [Tom] It was kinda like this
because you're my brother,
get it?
- It's Pentothal,
I want the truth.
- [Crow] I prefer Jack
Perkins, there, I said it!
- That's a little too
sophisticated for you, isn't it?
Who gives you your orders?
- Shut up!
- Certainly,
after all, you're
only doing your duty.
Someone threatens
your spare parts bank,
destroy him, it's clean,
simple, neat!
- [Mike] Close to
all the shopping.
- Shut up!
- [Tom] He's going to
be a bigger problem
then Billy Carter.
- [Crow] Mistakes were
made, brothers were killed.
- [Mike] Shoot, Mom's home!
[upbeat music]
- [Tom] Sure!
- Ricky, get out!
- Dad!
- [Crow] I'm home.
- [Tom] Give me
your posture medal!
[groaning]
- What're you doing?
Ridged!
- [Crow] "Ridged?"
- Leave him alone!
Ridged!
- [Crow] Ribbit?
Frigid?
[bubbling]
- [Tom] You dead yet?
- I don't know!
- [Mike] Cut it out, you booger!
- [Tom] I think they
found the outrage.
- [Crow] This is our pool!
Notice there's no pee in it!
[electric guitar music]
- [Tom] Soundtrack
by Yngwie Malmsteen.
- [Mike] For God,
Country and the Queen!
- [Tom As Old Woman]
Boys, not in the house!
- [Crow] This is
about a lot more
than super secret
government clone projects.
- [Mike] Ah, kill and release.
- [Tom] Secret service is
out from having a smoke.
- [Crow] Tonight on "Biography."
[Crow groaning]
- [Mike] He's not done.
The poker didn't come out clean.
- [Tom] Quick, rig
the shag carpeting!
[foreboding music]
- [Crow] Can I have a wet nap?
- [Mike] Dale Evans
wants her shirt back.
- Well,
that's that.
- [Mike] Turned on the gas.
- Whatever the hell
they're called.
- [Crow] Mimi-skirted Grandma.
- It'll soon be over,
I made sure of that.
- [Tom] Oh, and happy
50th anniversary.
- You know, I've been
sitting here thinking
about that young man.
- [Crow] If I was 80 years
younger, I would just.
- If everything they say about
how he was born was true,
sure takes the fun out of it.
- Why, Anna, you salty old lady.
- [Mike] And I mean dehydrated.
- No, but I'm not dead yet.
- [Tom] Soon though, right?
- He will be all
right, won't he?
He has his whole
life in front of him.
- Anna, he will be fine.
- [Tom] Oh boy.
- [Crow] Here we go.
- That nice boy is taking
him back to his girlfriend,
everything's gonna be fine.
Don't worry about it.
You mind if I just
read the sports page?
- [Tom] Hunker down.
- [Crow] Just generic...
[explosion booming]
[screaming]
Forgot about those
cookies, sorry!
[Tom laughing]
- [Mike] Yeah,
Grandma and Grandpa will
be fine on their own.
- [Tom] Brought to you by the
Greater Nursing Home Council.
- [Crow] Never store
your combustibles
with your old people.
[somber music]
- [Mike] Later, a guy
is somewhere in the dark
doing something.
- [Tom] This passes for a
car chase in this movie.
- [Crow] And step and dance
and kickball change, and yes.
♪ Maria
[pleasant music]
- Lena?
- [Tom] Or extra Lena?
- [Mike] I'm not
sure about this.
- [Crow] You know,
this doesn't look like
it's headed towards
a happy ending.
- [Mike] You know, any
ending would make me
happier than I've ever been.
- [Crow] That's true.
- [Tom] She sees a squirrel
and wants to go out.
[ominous music]
- [Mike] When track
coaches go bad.
- [Crow] And they
expect the audience
to feel bad about this, I guess.
- Lena!
- [Tom] Hi!
- [Mike] Oh, remember to duck
when you go under helicopters.
- [Crow] Let me guess, he's
gonna turn out his mouth
and look depressed for a change.
[ominous music]
- Welcome home, Richard.
- [Tom] I'm sorry, Ollie.
- Did you like America?
- [Mike] I liked "A
Horse With No Name,"
but after that...
[dramatic music]
- [Crow] She's
gonna make a perfect
mid-afternoon talk
show host, at least.
[Mike and Tom chuckling]
- [Tom In Creepy Voice] Hi.
- [Announcer] Fellow delegates,
our candidate is
in the press room
and will be joining us shortly.
- [Mike] Wait, he's been killed.
- [Announcer] Your nominee,
the next president
of the United States.
- [All] Biography!
Biography!
- [Crow] Yay!
- [Tom] Hey, it's...
Oh, I thought it was Dale.
Product placement.
Now I'm gonna buy NBC.
- [Walker] Ladies and gentlemen.
- [Mike] Does anyone
have a kidney to spare?
- It is my pleasure
this afternoon...
- [Crow] Ted Turner.
- To introduce to you
the next president
of the United States.
- [Mike] Arrr, me buck-os.
- A man we all know and love.
- [Crow] Senator Gravy Skin.
- The true people's choice.
- [Tom] Gus Hall.
- Presidential nominee,
Senator Jeffery Knight.
- [Mike] Arrrrr.
- [Crow] And his lovely family.
- [Tom] Thank you, thank you.
I was killing my brother
earlier today and, d'oh!
- Thank you, thank
you, George Walker.
- [Mike] Arrrr.
- Ladies and gentlemen
of the press,
let's get right
to the questions.
- [Tom] Who's coming up
this week on "Biography?"
- Miss Grady.
- [Crow] Grady!
- [Grady] Senator Knight,
what will your position be on
the subject of human rights?
- [Jeff] Well, you know, I
talked a great deal about that
during the campaign but
I think it's important
to repeat it now.
As president, my
position will be
that any suppression of
rights or infringement--
- [Mike] Wow.
- [Crow] Mm-hmm.
- [Mike] Get it?!
[Tom giggling]
- As such cannot and
will not be tolerated.
- [Crow] Senator, I'm
Brown from the Sun.
- Senator!
- [Jeff] Yes,
gentleman in the back.
- Bernie, Daily Sun.
- [Tom] I love Bridget.
- Senator could you please
tell us about Clonus.
- [Mike] Arrrr?
- [Crow] Yes, definitely.
Um, Brit Hume, front row.
- [Tom] I can barely
hear my heart beating.
- [Mike] I'm a sad clown.
- [Crow] Boy, that clock
never moves, does it?
[ominous music]
- [Tom] Was that a bad movie
or was I just in the wrong mood?
- [Crow] Oh, we can
leave, all right!
- [Mike] Wait...
Oh.
Oh boy.
Executive producer,
Walter Fiveson,
was a good friend of
Supervising Executive Producer
Ray Dryden.
They grew up together
in a log cabin
with a woman involved in
casting, Susan Arnold.
- [Tom] But all was
not as it seemed.
- [Crow] The arrival
of Associate Producer
Peter R.J. Deyell, proved
both groundbreaking
and heart wrenching for
the young Liverpoolians.
- [Mike] And then
Co-Producer Michael Lee
and Carolyn Haber and Michael
Lee and Paul Berkowitz
and Joe Gianonne
and Robert Cummings
and Michael Lacoe
and some other guys
and Harley Pence.
- [Tom] I'll take it, Mike.
The oddly named,
Timaree McCormick,
young and brilliant
production assistant,
developed an unhealthy
fixation of Joe Blasco,
founder of the Joe
Blasco Makeup School.
- [Crow] I'll take it.
Dwight LaVers, a name known to
millions, yet a dark mystery,
to even his closest friends.
- [Mike] Tomorrow,
the fascinating world
of M.A "Ma" Schreibman who
conquered his blindness
to become one of the most
sought after visual consultants
in the business.
- [Tom] The thin stylings
of Brogan DePard...
Brogan...
Paul Sharp and Ted Keep,
two crisply-named young men,
tonight on "Biography."
- [Crow] Freeze Frame,
the J. Geils Band.
Synonyms in the hearts
of Americans everywhere.
[Mike laughing]
- [Mike] Ah!
Peter Graves, the
underrated, underpaid
and incredibly handsome
host of "Biography,"
tonight on "Biography."
- [Crow] Tonight on "Biography,"
Paulette Breen who turned
down perfectly innocent
sexually advances
from Peter Graves
on the set of the
movie "Clonus,"
who will never work
in this town again.
- [Tom] James Mantell, in
a striking coincidence,
shared a first name with
the hulking, expressionless
pseudo cowboy, James Arness.
James Arness,
as a young boy, James Arness
nurtured a howling bitterness
in the face of the
awesomely superior talent
of his brother, Peter Graves.
Peter Graves' life
and career were marked
by a generosity of spirit
and loving attitude
towards his fell man, which
were altogether missing
in the pitted soul
if James Arness.
Often, James Arness' mother
would remark to friends
that she loved her son, Peter
Graves, so very, very much,
while she hates James
Arness and cursed the day
her womb had been blighted
with such a creature.
James Arness, ugly and stupid.
Tonight on "Biography."
- [Crow] Okay.
- [Mike] That's as
good as it gets.
So, Peter Graves?
- Biography.
- [Mike] Biography.
- Agua!
[rumbling]
[thudding]
[beeping]
[mechanical buzzing]
[chains rattling]
[buzzing]
[clearing throat]
So, what do you think
of my new nose job?
- It's downright
Bruce Jennerian.
- Yes, well I went a little
deeper than I might have
because I feel I can always
add more later if I wanted.
- Mike, Bobo's calling.
- What're you looking at?
- Please, Mike, keep it quiet.
Evil orphan space
children were very fussy
getting down tonight.
I think they're
off their routine.
- Aw, well I've
got just the thing.
I wrote a little night music
inspired by a poem
I've always loved.
The words are, "Sleep,
oh fair one, sleep.
"The night is low and drowsy,
"your dreams are fair and deep.
"On feeble tender wings
rest all Earthly things.
"Sleep, oh gentle lamb,
"till morning mother
sun does bring."
- That's beautiful.
- Okay, Mike.
[exciting marching band music]
[crying]
- You are so dead, Nelson!
It is a John Agar
film festival for you!
[thudding]
[groaning]
[crying]
[somber music]
- Sure.
distant future ♪
♪ Somewhere in time and space
♪ Mike Nelson and
his robot pals ♪
♪ Are caught in
an endless chase ♪
♪ Pursued by a woman
whose name is Pearl ♪
♪ An evil gal who wants
to rule the world ♪
♪ She threw a few
things in her purse ♪
♪ And in her rocket
ship she hunts him ♪
♪ All across the universe
♪ I'll get you
♪ I'll send him cheesy movies
♪ The worst I can find
♪ La, la, la
♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all ♪
♪ And I'll monitor his mind
♪ La, la, la
♪ Now keep in mind
Mike can't control ♪
♪ Where the movies
begin or end ♪
♪ La, la, la
♪ He'll try to keep his sanity
♪ With the help of
his robot friends ♪
♪ Robot roll call
♪ Cambot
- You're on!
♪ Gypsy
- Oh my stars!
♪ Tom Servo
- Check me out.
♪ Crooooow
- I'm different.
♪ If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes ♪
♪ And other science facts
♪ La, la, la
♪ Just repeat to yourself,
it's just a show ♪
♪ I should really just relax
♪ For Mystery Science
Theater 3000 ♪
[rumbling]
[beeping]
[chains rattling]
[mechanical buzzing]
- Hi, everyone,
Mike Nelson here.
Hey, I'm sporting a mustache
for the very first time.
I'm a little worried about
how Tom and Crow
are gonna react.
- Hey, Mike, a new mustache.
Hey, it looks good,
it really does.
- You think?
- Yeah, it's great.
It looks good.
- No kidding, well
that went well.
We'll be right back.
- Yeah, it's a look
that challenges people.
Good for you, Mike.
- Yeah, it says, "I look like
this and I don't even care."
I say, go man, go!
[chuckling]
- Well, great, thanks.
We'll be right back.
- It gives you a sort of
Howard Sprague allure.
- Yeah.
- Only not so overtly macho.
- Oh yeah, an
unqualified success,
so long as no one looks
directly at your face.
- Right, right, right.
- Right, well we'll
be right back.
- You've declared your
contempt for the world.
Go get 'em, sport.
- Yeah, you've given me
the confidence I need.
You know, I'm gonna go get
a big, stinky spiral cut ham
and stable it to my top lip.
Thank you, Mike.
- We'll be right back.
- Yep, get used to
hearing the screams
of small children
and the elderly.
- Mike's mustache to
world, "I hate you
"and I'm cutting myself off
from all human contact."
I like it.
- Yeah, it's nice.
[upbeat music]
Wow, I never noticed, Mike,
but your upper lip is huge.
- Yeah, you look like a
bowling ball with a slit in it.
- You could ski down
your nasolabial trough.
[chuckling]
- Good, very clever.
Done?
- Oh, sure.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay, good, can we check in
with out evil captors then?
- If you want.
- You know, you might
wanna consider a mustache.
[chuckling]
[snoring]
- Hey, wake up!
- Wake up, wake up, wake up!
- What? What?
- Let's go to Dairy Queen!
- Who the hell are you?
- I'm Buddy.
- I'm Scooter.
- And I'm Darlene.
- And we're space children.
- Oh, children, yuck.
- That's right
and we're lost and hungry.
- And why?
Because we ran away.
- Well, aren't you just the
most delightful little--
[thudding]
[laughing]
- He's funny.
- Oh, I know, I know, I know.
You can be our new mommy!
[cheering]
- Hold on.
I ain't gonna be nobody's mommy.
- Okay, you can be
our new grandma!
- Don't you ever say
that again, capiche?
All right, here's some
Clove Gum and a church key.
Now scram!
- But we're hungry.
- And I'm scared.
[crying]
- Oh, can't they stay, Grandma?
- Don't push it, Bonzo.
Brain Guy, make some traffic
for these brats to play in.
- Right, right.
- Now you've made us mad.
- We'll make you be nice.
- [All] Nana, nana, boo-boo,
pocket full of lunch.
- Oh my!
- [All] Big bad meanies,
now start to punch!
[thudding]
- It's true, Pearl!
They have powers far
greater than my own.
- We can do anything!
- We're omnificent!
- Nelson, do something!
- Man, we gotta work these kids.
They could be our
ticket out of here.
- Use psychology, Mike.
I have all the right books here.
Dr. Spock, Brazelton,
the Great Santini.
- Mike, I suggest
reverse psychology.
Tell them, "Don't not send us
the movie that doesn't exist."
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- How about guilt and shame?
They worked on me.
- No, no, no, Mike,
kids are fragile
but they need structure.
Be firm but fair then
offer them money.
- Nah, just tell them we'll
take away their pagers
and their big pants and
I don't know what else.
- Okay, wait, wait,
I've got it, okay.
Hi, kids, you know, we've
always been there for you,
working so hard to
provide for your future,
so don't you dare
send us a movie
or it'll be the belt for you!
What I mean, is,
we'll give you Beanie
Babies and a hundred dollars
and cake and stuff if you
don't send us the movie,
unless you were planning to do
the opposite of what we say,
in that case, please
send us the movie.
Unless, you were planning to
do the opposite of the opposite
of what we say, in which case,
we'll take away your cake
and your hundred dollars
and we'll tear up
your Beanie Babies!
We love you?
[thudding]
[groaning]
- We've decided.
- [All] Nana, nana, boo-boo,
pocket full of groovy,
send the silly satellite
another crappy movie!
- Yay!
- D'oh!
- Mike, you couldn't
raise an earthworm.
[alarm buzzing]
- We got movie sign!
- Big, dumb square head.
[rumbling]
[mechanical buzzing]
[liquid dripping]
[beeping]
[creaking]
- [Crow] Kids.
- [Tom] Group "I, I, I."
What a solipsitic film!
- [Mike] I'm Myrl Schreib,
I'll paint any movie for $49.95.
- [Crow] Ah, comes
from the Scandinavian,
"Son of Five."
[eerie whispering]
- [Mike] What?
- [Crow] What is that?
[beeping]
- [Mike] Big boys don't cry.
Big boys don't cry.
- [Crow] Mike, I think
the voices in my head
are a little louder than usual.
- [Tom] Hey, a
supermodel factory.
- [Mike] Bag your own people
and save at Super Value.
[eerie whispering]
- [Tom] Julia Childs'
secret freezer.
[eerie whispering]
[electrical buzzing]
- [Mike] Frozen bodies,
do you have anything
you'd like to share
with the whole class?
- [Crow] Hey, Stallone!
[crowd cheering]
- [Tom] What really happened
to Shields and Yarnell.
[eerie music]
- [Mike] Hurray for the '70s!
- [Crow] Shaun
Cassidy for president!
- [Tom] We want Billy Beer!
- [Mike] Thaw-Master
testing grounds.
[crowd cheering]
Hey.
- [Crow] Biography.
[Mike laughing]
[crowd cheering]
- [Man] Thank you, all!
- [Mike] We want England
Dan and John Ford Coley!
- [Man] Hello and God bless you!
- [Crow] Thank God that
one policeman's there,
he'd be torn apart.
- You all know what I stand for.
- [Tom] Biography.
- I believe in this country.
- [Mike] California?
- Now I know that
may sound corny.
- [Crow] Cutting Medicare, what?
- But you know why I
wanna be president?
I think it's time that I
started paying back this country
for some of the good
things it's given me!
- [Mike] Like "Biography."
- Sure, we've got problems.
We're gonna solve them by
standing by the old fashion ways
that made this country great.
And that is what
I promise to you.
- [Crow] Um, check the antenna.
- From what I've been
hearing the last few months,
that's exactly what all of
you have been waiting for.
- [Tom] Mike, I think we're
slipping into another dimension.
- So that's what I'm
going to give you.
We've got two weeks to go,
so let's go all the way!
- [Mike] Tonight on "Biography,"
the story of Julius Caesar.
Tomorrow night,
funnyman Charlie Callas.
[upbeat marching band music]
- [Man] That's our boy.
- [Crow] Oh, it's
Peter Graves' dad.
[dramatic music]
- [Mike] And we have
Cheryl Tiegs in the lead,
Shelley Hack second, Willie
Aames and Lance Kerwin
and the DeFranco Family
bringing up the rear.
[Tom giggling]
- [Tom] Hey, I think they're
running to Elton John's
funeral for a friend.
- [Crow] Oh, please invent
the sports bra soon.
[dramatic music]
[Mike chanting to
music in deep voice]
- [Tom] That's good.
- [Mike] Thank you.
- [Crow] I don't know
what you've been told
but new Adorne can really hold.
[Mike chuckling]
- [Tom] Parts is parts.
- [Crow] Apparently
E.E. Cummings write it.
[dramatic music]
- [Mike] Pablo Cruise
concert tonight, pass it on.
- [Tom] Filmed at the Sydney
Opera House High School.
- Dick Sargent?
Didn't he play Dick
York on "Bewitched?"
- [Mike] Here, at Bruce
Jenner University.
- [Tom] Hi, I'm a chemical
engineering student.
- [Mike] You know, these were
the days when Michael York
could open a movie.
- [Tom] Yeah.
- [Crow] Bounce, behave,
bounce, behave, bounce, behave!
- [Tom] Sid and Marty
Krofft secret training camp.
Doo!
- [Mike] Doo!
- [Crow] Doo!
Oh, Mike, I'd like to
introduce you to Paulette.
Paulette, Mike.
- [Mike] Hi, Paulette.
- [Tom] Hey, no fair,
Rosie took the subway!
- [Crow] Regardless of race,
black people are not
allowed at this university.
[Mike laughing]
- [Mike] Hey, Joe Bob
Briggs, track coach.
- Area 14 is clear.
- [Tom] Clear?
There's a bunch of
people in back of you.
- Yeah.
- Dope.
[laughing]
- [Crow] And then he said,
"Aye, sit on it, Potsie."
- No, you don't have
to, it was only a joke.
- [Tom] Huh?
- [Mike] Wow, they're
raising a race of Becks.
- [Crow] "Breaking Away
2: The Clonus Horror."
- How could I know Grayson
was going to throw a knee?
- Yeah, but you didn't
bet on the quarterback,
you bet on the game.
- Well I say the bet's off.
- It's not off, it's on.
The bet's a bet!
- What's a bet?
- Nevermind, just put your
helmet on and let's go.
- [Tom] What's a helmet?
- [Mike] Man, they're tough
on the Dallas Cowboy
cheerleaders, aren't they?
[whistle blowing]
- [Crow] La Tour De Van Ness.
- [Tom] And they're off.
- [Mike] The Starland Vocal
Band goes on a bike tour.
- [Crow] Let's go film Tampon
commercials, everybody!
- What a bet.
Oh brother.
- [Tom] I think you're neat.
- [Mike] I like
how keen you are.
- [Crow] Um, guys, this is
supposed to be the 50 yard dash.
Oh, nevermind.
[Mike laughing]
- [Mike] A little
something for the ladies.
- It's missionary
position practice.
[Tom chuckling]
[groaning]
- [Tom] "Parts: The
Village People Horror."
[clapping]
- [Mike] "The Long Time
Companion Olympics."
- Here you go.
- [Crow] Winner of the
International Jeffery Games.
- [Mike] Saturn, a different
kind of car company.
- [Tom] Hey, LSD tabs everyone!
Woo!
- [Crow] I can't wait to
dig into that party sub.
- He shows no interest
in what we're doing.
Okay.
- [Mike] A Van Patten
family reunion.
- [Tom] This is not
sanctioned, gentlemen.
You are doing this on your own.
- [Crow] Hey, why's
Gilligan there?
[girls laughing]
- [Mike] So life is a constant
non-competitive track meet?
- [Tom] Ah, yes, the
adult McDonald's Playland.
- [Man] George is quite strong.
I think he's ready.
- So do I.
- [Mike] Huh?
- Do you have his workup?
- Right here.
- [Crow] Sam!
- [Mike] Professor Darrin
and Dr. Super Mario Brother.
[computers beeping]
- I see no problems here.
Do you?
- All the tests were positive.
- [Tom] Or negative, I
can't remember which.
- [Crow] Tonight, the brilliant
career of Dick Sargent
on "Biography."
- Walker, Jameson.
It's ready.
- [Tom] Your bundt
cake is ready.
[beeping]
- [Crow] "Hop On
Pop: The Movie."
- [Jameson] Let's go.
- [Mike] This is Coco and Studly
on the K-Rock Morning Stew.
- Get it ready.
- [Tom] Terrence McNally
holds weird auditions.
- Give it up!
- George!
- [Crow] He looks like the
monster from "Rocky Horror."
- Excellent, George.
- [Crow] Rocky.
- I've got good news
for you, George.
You've been accepted.
It's time to get ready.
- [Mike] I got
into Hamburger U.!
- George, what was
that all about?
- I just qualified.
I get to go to America.
- When?
- Later on.
- Congratulations, George.
- Thanks, Richard.
Come on, I gotta go back.
- Okay.
- [Mike] And then I
gotta get ready to go.
[clapping]
- [Crow] Happy
Birthday, Jack Lord.
[clapping]
- [Tom] Oh, you got me a
plate of drywall, thanks guys!
[pleasant music]
- [Mike] I guess
this is, "later on."
- [Crow] Apparently.
- [Tom] Here are "Up
With People Farms."
- Thank you.
It's good to know that I
have all of you as friends.
- [Mike] Except you.
- And I know that soon,
all of you will be
joining me in America.
- [Tom] Blink.
- For that is the land
where good friends live.
We're always happy.
Thanks.
- [Crowd] Aaron
Spelling's "Avalon."
- [Tom] Adam Rich
turned out bad.
- [Mike] Cake.
- [Crow] Have you heard
from Billy Jack lately?
- [Tom] The party died
out pretty quick there.
[Crow giggling]
- [Crow] It's fun
where there are things.
[pleasant music]
- [Mike] He's just making
sure he hates this.
- [Tom] I love you, Talia Shire.
- I should be joining you soon.
- Well, of course you're going.
You'll qualify very
soon, you'll see.
- [Mike] Ah, shucks.
- I've...
I've grown accustomed to you.
- [Crow] Like breathing
out and breathing in.
- I like having you touch me.
- Me too.
- [Tom] I like to touch me too.
- But I can't turn America down.
You know that.
It's too important.
- But--
[shushing]
- [Mike] He's leaking air.
- [Crow] Mmm, you
taste like Lik-M-Aid.
- [Tom] Oh yeah, right.
- [Man] George?
It's almost time to
leave for America
and we have to prepare for
your trip, so let's go.
- All right.
- Now.
- [Mike] Come on, grab all your
too tight Munsingwear shirts.
- Bye, everybody!
- [Man] Don't worry, they'll
be coming soon to America.
Let's go, George.
- [Crow] I'll stop at the
Duty Free Shop in America
and get you something neat!
[dramatic chanting music]
[Tom singing with music]
- Bye.
- [Tom] I'll miss your
white bread blandness.
- [Mike] I'll take
over from here.
[Tom chuckling]
- Will it be all right?
- [Crow] Hell no.
- Of course it'll be all right.
- [Tom] He's got the finely
toned body of a pro golfer.
[somber music]
- [Mike] See...
Look, I'm trying to
walk away from you.
- [Crow] HQ, my hat looks
like a muffin, over.
[upbeat music]
- Come in, George, sit down.
- [Tom] We're gonna
remove all your teeth.
- Well, George, you look like
you're ready to go to America.
- Yes I am.
- How was your party?
- Good.
Dana, Richard, all my
other friends were there.
- Well, George, your
party was step number one
for your journey to America.
But before you actually--
- [Crow] Blink.
- A few little details
to take care of.
- [Crow] Like your death.
- Drink this.
- What is it?
- [Tom] It's Sunny D.
- It's step number two
of your preparation.
- [Mike] It's delicious
hot dog water.
- [Tom] Ew.
- [Crow] I think he's ready
to play quarters now, Doctor.
- Good!
[Tom singing "Mario
Bros." theme music]
- Now, George, I want
you to play a game.
- Okay.
[Tom laughing]
- I want you to start at a
hundred and count backwards.
- [Mike] Oh man, I
should've studied.
- One hundred.
99.
98.
[laughing]
- [Tom] Yuck, it's
turning him on.
- [Mike] Eeh.
- 96.
95.
- [Mike] Oh, I have the vapors.
- [Crow] Dr. Luigi will
be assisting me here.
- This is standard procedure.
Let's get him ready
for transference.
- [Jameson] Yes, maybe need
it sooner than expected.
- [Tom] Sir, does
he have to be nude
for a simple hangnail operation?
[heart monitor beeping]
- [Mario] Subject at standstill.
- [Mike] First, we
apply Seabreeze.
- [Crow] I don't think he's
a natural blonde, Doctor.
[eerie music]
- [Tom] Sam!
[Mike singing "Mario
Bros." theme music]
- [Jameson] Standard
density solution, please.
- [Crow] We're the FDA, we
can test on whoever we want!
- [Mike] I'm going to remove
the dumb parts of you.
- [Tom] Sir, I volunteer
to put the microchip
in his butt cheek.
[eerie music]
- [Crow] Would you turn down
your stupid Brian
Eno CD, Doctor?
- [Tom] I'm testing all tempos.
- [Mike] Room service
at the Chelsea Hotel.
[eerie music]
- [Tom] Now don't
fill him with Smuckers
like last time, Doctor,
that wasn't funny.
- [Jameson] Clear.
- [Mike] Tire pressure,
good, bay seven filter, good!
- [Tom] I don't know.
Whatever.
I don't care.
- [Crow] The Starbucks
testing laboratory.
[suction slurping]
- [Tom] Ah, they're giving him
the Keith Richards special.
- [Crow] Gentlemen, we can
make him dumber, blonder!
[eerie music]
- [Mario] Hemoglobin,
three percent.
- [Mike] "Burbank Hope."
[opera music]
- [Tom] Thank you, nurse,
that was a nice aria.
[heart monitor beeping]
- [Mike] So they took the
blood out of his right arm
and put it into his left arm.
- [Crow] I guess.
- [Tom] Uh, Doctors,
do you remember
if we had an objective
for this whole thing?
[ominous music]
[beeping]
- [Crow] Oh, it's sperm races.
- [Tom] Woo!
- [Mike] Ah, use a
turn signal, jerk!
[heart monitor beeping]
- [Tom] Now this is
just for your trip,
so you'll arrive
in America fresh.
[eerie music]
- [Mike] Please, take
this body home with you.
No, we won't eat this,
I'll bag this up for...
No, I'm not going to
eat the whole thing.
- [Tom] Now they take
him to "Mail Boxes Etc."
[eerie music]
- [Jameson] Vacuum, please.
- [Crow] You try
scrubbing it out.
- [Mike] The real
story of Taco Bell.
[Tom giggling]
- [Tom] Mmmm, fresh
wood-smoked young Aryan man.
[ominous music]
- [Crow] I forgot my
toothbrush for America!
[George screaming]
- [Mike] I don't care
fore America so far.
[George screaming]
- [Tom] I wanted
paper, not plastic.
- [Crow] Oh, it's some
kind of social comment
on how we bag and freeze
people in America, I suppose.
♪ They're dying in
America, today ♪
- [Tom] "Growing Up
Brady," chapter one.
- [Crow] Beach
patrol's a bit lost.
[upbeat tempo music]
[Mike singing
"Sleigh Ride" tune]
[girl yelping]
- [Tom] Malibu Barbie is down!
- [Crow] Oh, this is excellent
cinematography, Mike.
- [Richard] You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
I think I was just
going too fast.
- [Mike] I was making upwards
of three miles per hour.
- Oh.
- You're ugly.
- What?
- Your ear.
It's like mine, I
just noticed it.
- [Tom] Maybe because
I just met you.
- [Mike] Ew.
- Where do you live?
- [Crow] Later on.
[Mike laughing]
- Section eight.
[Mike chuckling]
- This is Riley.
- [Mike] Aces of Spies.
- Two controls accidentally
met on rural sector six.
Please advise.
- Separate them as
quickly as possible.
- [Tom] Duh, I?
- [Jameson] What's going on?
- [Mario] Two control
plums met accidentally.
- [Crow] Control "plums?"
- Did they speak?
- Yes.
- This could prove
to be interesting.
- [Mike] But I doubt it.
- Cancel your order, we'll
monitor their interaction.
- I think we should
just deprogram them.
[Tom groaning]
- We won't do anything
but monitor them.
See how they respond.
- Very well.
- [Tom] Okay.
- But if Walker finds out
you're changing the pattern,
he could get angry.
You deal with him.
- [Tom] Ah, go eat
a mushroom, Mario.
- [Crow] Jerk, well, I'm
a lot taller than him.
[computers beeping]
- [Mike] Get me Endora.
[buzzing]
- Walker.
- [Crow] Our campus features a
low gym coach to clone ratio.
- [Richard] Today a guide
was driving towards me.
- [Mike] Wow, neat.
- [Richard] And he drove
all the way around me.
- [Tom] It can't be true!
- Just so I couldn't see
what he was carrying.
Has that ever happened
to anyone else?
- [Crow] Can I
have your pudding?
- [Tom] Hello, is this thing on?
- Doesn't anyone think
that's a little strange?
- [Mike] Uh, Bob, do you wanna
move to a different table?
- Guides may do strange
things sometimes.
- [Tom] Inside the
RAND Corporation.
- Because they have to watch
out for many things for us.
- Like what?
- [Mike] Like this
tuna wiggle recipe.
- I don't know.
Maybe so we don't get hurt.
- [Tom] Look, I'm
just Scott Baio.
- It's easy to get hurt.
- [Crow] Like when I got my
butt caught in the toaster.
- Yeah but they're always
talking to somebody
and there's nobody there.
Who are they talking to?
- Who knows?
Eat.
- [Tom] Me.
Sorry.
- [Mike] Aah, that was a
good loose meat sandwich.
- Wanna run before the class?
- No thanks.
- [Crow] I'm gonna go hem
up my shorts a little more.
[Tom giggling]
- Where you going?
- [Mike] Hey, cram it, Hal,
you weren't interested, okay?
- To be by myself.
- Why?
- [Crow] Oh, that
guy's the class clown.
Love that guy.
[somber music]
♪ Rivers belong where
they can ramble ♪
- [Mike] Pippin.
- [Tom] Yeah.
- [Crow] He's like a
sensitive Steve Guttenberg.
[Tom vocalizing glass breaking]
- [Tom] Damn kids!
[somber music]
- [Mike] Yeah, yeah,
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna start a band
called "Air Supply."
- [Crow] Aah, have some
sun, my little friend.
♪ I'm all out of lunch
- [Tom] No.
♪ I'm all out of breath
♪ I'm all out of Africa
- [Crowd] Air Supply.
- [Tom] I don't know.
- [Mike] The beer can
struggles upstream to spawn.
- [Crow] His feet are
making a Don Martin noise.
"Spolt, spolt."
- [Mike] Yeah, I
gotta get to the can.
- [Tom] D'oh!
I find so many neat
things here at Love Canal.
[somber music]
- [Mike] The little
bushman didn't know
what to make of the can.
- [Crow] Wow, snowmobilers
must've come through there.
- [Mike] I like bugs.
[Tom chuckling]
- [Tom] Wow, I guess I got
a beer can collection now.
- [Mike] Let's see,
what am I thinking?
Uh, "duh," that's right.
[whooshing]
[mechanical thudding]
[beeping]
[buzzing]
[mechanical whooshing]
[Crow chuckling]
- Hey, I wonder how things
are going down there
for them guys.
- They're probably
all sitting around
on their butts play Candy Land.
[laughing]
- One, two, three.
One, two, three!
- Grandma Pearl, I have to go.
- I'm not your grandma.
Besides, going is for babies.
- Hey, you moved that,
I saw, Uncle Brain Guy.
- Can you back that up, shrimp?
- Nana, nana, boo-boo,
you're in a chocolate lake.
- Okay, I'm in a chocolate lake!
My own personal hell.
- Hey, Uncle Brain Guy?
Why do you always
carry that salad bowl
with a wrinkled ball in it?
- Because I don't like you.
- Grandma Pearl, it's your turn!
- Yeah?
Well Grandma Pearl says
it's butt-kicking time.
- Okay, we're having some
fun, aren't we, sport, huh?
Okay, let's throw Bobo
the ball there, huh?
You ready?
Here we go.
[groaning]
[laughing]
Oh, jeez.
Happened to catch Tanta
Bobo in the upper thigh.
- Throw it to me
again, Tanta Bobo!
- I will, you delightful Muppet.
Here we go, okay.
Right in there.
[groaning]
[laughing]
Oh, jeez, right in
the tender vittles.
- You're fun, Tanta Bobo.
- Yes, well, Tanta
Bobo has to go see
Uncle Reconstructive Eurologist.
[giggling]
- Oh.
[upbeat music]
- [Crow] Boys and girls,
today's film is called,
"Virginity: Your Precious Gift."
[crowd applauding]
- [Tom] Ladies and
gentlemen, Pat Boone.
- [Mike] Welcome to
"Bewitched-a-palooza!"
- [Tom] Woo!
- Good afternoon.
- [Audience] Good afternoon!
- [Crow] Good afternoon.
- Now who knows what lesson
we're going to have today?
- [Mike] Yes, no, oh.
- That's right.
But before have Lesson 10--
- [Crow] We will
offer a sign of peace.
- Who can tell us
about the others?
- [Crow] Oh, oh, Mr. Kotter!
Mr. Kotter!
- In Lesson Number
One, we learned about
when we were babies
and in Lesson Number Two,
we heard about animals.
No, that was Number three.
- [Tom] Oh man.
- [Man] In Number Two
we learned about--
- [Crow] Ha, "number two."
- How food is grown
and all about our home.
- Well done.
- [Mike] For a total spaz.
- Well now, I think we're
ready for today's lesson.
So just sit back and relax.
- [Tom] And now a
tribute to Dr. Bombay.
[pleasant music]
- [Mike] Hey, Darrin,
down in front!
- [Crow] Down in front!
- [Woman Narrator]
You enter America.
First, a party with
all your friends there
to wish you good luck.
- [Tom] A giant clam!
- [Mike] Ah!
- [Woman Narrator] Next,
you'll be escorted by a guide
past the door of
the round building,
the entranceway to America.
This is the ultimate
answer, the ideal.
This is what you've all--
- [Mike] The cast of "Godspell."
- [Woman Narrator] America,
the land of beauty,
where all your dreams
will come true.
- [Mike] America.
- [Tom] Oh, America.
- [Woman Narrator] You
have all been trained.
America,
the happiness of your new world
forever, forever, forever!
- [Tom] Oh, they blew their
budget on the echo chamber.
[applauding]
- [Crow] America not
available in some areas.
[applauding]
- [Mike] Thank you,
we'll now begin the
Aunt Clara symposium.
- Does anyone have
any questions?
- [Tom] Yeah, are you
and Dick York friends?
- Yes, Richard?
- Dr. Jameson, I
found something today
that I think might
be from America.
It was floating in the river.
- What is it?
- [Crow] It's a Gambino, sir.
- [Mike] Future
anchorman, there.
- [Tom] We chipped in
and got you this beer.
- This is not from America.
It comes from the river.
- [Crow] What, where you cloned
from a sack of doorknobs?
- I'll just keep
it for the museum.
- But it's mine.
- [Mike] You wanna watch "Sonny
& Cher" tonight, young man?
- Richard, this
belongs to all of us.
- [Tom] Dick Sargent, Communist.
- [Mike] Oooh.
- Well, that's it.
Good afternoon, all.
If you have any
further questions,
please go to the confessional.
[audience applauding]
- [Crow] Stop that
man, he has my can!
- [Mike] Dick Sargent
is the Bionic Woman.
- Find out how this got
through the water valves
and who the hell was
in charge of cleanup?
I want them out of here!
- [Crow] Mr. York?
- [Mike] Mr. York, will
you sign this, Mr. York?
- [Crow] Line up to hear
Firefall's latest hit.
[somber music]
- [Female Voice]
How may we help you?
- I have a question.
- [Mike] I'll hang
up and listen.
- What does
M-I-L-W-A-U-K-E-E spell?
- [Female Voice] Please wait.
- [Tom] It spells $2.99 a case.
- [Female Voice]
M-I-L-W-A-U-K-E-E
appears to be some sort
of nonsense spelling.
- [Mike] Oh, it's Microsoft
Spell Check by Phone.
- Dr. Jameson told me it
could be found in the river.
- [Female Voiceover]
One moment, please.
- [Tom] Dr. Jameson
is a big, dumb phony.
- [Female Voiceover] There
is a rare kind of mineral
that is called "Milwaukee."
It can only be found in
certain parts of the river.
- [Mike] Uh, do you buy that?
- Can it be found in America?
- [Female Voice] No, it can not.
Is there anything else?
- [Crow] Charles Van Dorken.
- [Tom] They need better
funding for their language lab.
- [Female Voice] I'm
glad we could help you.
[Crow chuckling]
- [Crow] You'd get better
exercise sitting on a couch.
- [Mike] Daddy, Rex
Tree, the Lumpy Man!
[Crow and Tom laughing]
- [Crow] The "go
as slow as you can
"without tipping over" race.
[Tom giggling]
[pleasant music]
- [Mike] A separate piece...
Of crap!
[Tom laughing]
- [Tom] Oh hi, Richard!
- [Crow] Hey, Richard!
- [Mike] Hi, Richard!
- [Tom] The rare tree dork.
- [Crow] Thanks
for the subpoena.
- [Mike] "Parts: The
Visible Panty Line Horror."
- [Tom] Ugh.
- [Crow] The clone yards
of Ernest and Julio Gallo.
- [Mike] We're
done picking dirt.
- [Tom] I guess Bing
Crosby was selling hats.
- [Crow] It says, "Please
help me down from this tree."
- [Tom] Oh, a lock
of his back hair.
- [Mike] "Would you like
to share a quarter can
"of water Old Mill with me?"
[birds chirping]
- [Tom] Oh, it's the refund
for my nose job, good.
- [Crow] Tome Jones, here.
- [Mike] Okay, people,
time to harvest more ticks.
[whistle blowing]
- [Tom] Bozo Circus
is on the air!
[singing circus tune]
- [Lena] Hello, I'm Lena.
- [Richard] I'm Richard.
- [Crow] I'm Richard,
I gotta remember that.
I'm so bad with names.
[crickets chirping]
- [Mike] The scene was lit by
an Indiglo watch apparently.
- Hey.
- [Tom] Kiss me, you feeb.
- Why did you ask me here?
- Because I wanted
to talk to you.
From the first day we met,
I knew there was something
different about you.
- [Mike Deep Voice] There is?
- You know what it is?
Your eyes.
They're so alive.
- [Crow] Your
nose, so truncated.
- You know, I noticed
the difference too.
I mean, you're not
like my friends.
- [Tom] You're more icky.
- Yours like mine, Richard.
Why?
- I don't know, Lena, I
asked the confessional
and it just said that it
was all part of the plan.
- [Mike] Like Dan
Fogelberg said.
- Yeah, me too.
- Hey.
- What?
- It's getting a little cold.
How about some
firewood and a fire?
- [Crow] Mmm, she burns good.
- [Richard] How long
before you leave?
- [Tom] Later on.
- For America?
Oh, I don't know.
- [Mike] Watch your head there.
- We go when it's time
and when we're ready.
- Yeah, that's
what they tell us.
Constantly.
Where do you work, Lena?
- I work in the [muffled word].
- Huh?
- Oh, I like it, it's nice.
- [Mike] I like the
[gibberish word].
- Gives me time to write.
- Write?
- Yeah, I write my
thoughts and my ideas.
- [Crow] I've already
filled a Post-it note.
- It was my special
place for writing.
- It was?
- [Tom] I'm not listening.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.
- Oh, come on, Lena, don't
be like everyone else.
You can tell me what's wrong.
- Big slab.
- Richard, we are not supposed
to be talking like this.
They told me it
was not important.
- What's not important?
- [Crow] My gosh you're ugly.
- His name was Allan
and we met in compound
four when we were 16.
- [Mike] When I had a nose.
- You know, he's
beautiful, Richard.
- [Tom] Not like you.
- His hair was like the
sun and his eye were green.
No, he really was beautiful.
- [Crow] There was this
thing one time, I saw it.
Boy, it was really neat too.
- I never heard anybody
talk like that before.
- Oh, I'm sorry, then I won't--
- No, go on.
- [Tom] I love it when you talk
about your other boyfriend.
- He was a friend.
I mean, we were in love.
- [Crow] Right.
- And when it came time
for him to go to America,
we asked if he could stay.
- [Crow] Oh sure, sure.
- They said no.
And we asked if I could
go and they said no
and finally they said he
didn't have to go at all.
- [Crow] Uh-huh.
- And?
- And he disappeared.
- [Crow] Huh?
- No one knows anything,
not even his roommate.
- [Mike] Let's
crack the Pringles.
- What must be must be.
- Don't you get tired
of hearing that?
- [Crow] They're at EST camp.
- [Lena] What's wrong?
- I've never heard
anyone say that.
I mean, I've thought of that.
- [Tom] I think.
- But I've never
heard anyone say it.
Everyone here believes
what must be must be.
- Richard, stop!
We're not supposed to
be talking like that.
- Why? There's nobody
within miles of us.
- [Mike] I used "agree" today.
- You know, you're right.
[Tom chuckling]
- You know, Lena?
- What?
- I love it when you laugh.
- [Crow] Boy, if
only you had a nose.
- I like you.
- [Tom] You have skin.
[pleasant music]
- I like you a lot.
- [Mike] Look at that, he
has really feminine hands.
[Crow laughing]
- [Crow] Shouldn't we wrestle
and slap each other now?
[upbeat music]
- [Mike] I guess I gotta go
a little easier next time.
- You know, right
before I met you,
I found a piece of metal
and it had a word on it.
- [Tom] Only you can
prevent groin fires.
- "Milwaukee."
And I asked...
- Wow.
- If it came from
America and they said no.
- [Crow] Hmmm.
- And then I asked
the confessional
and it said it was a
plant from the ocean.
- [Crow] She really was
on top of Ol' Smokey, huh?
[Tom chuckling]
- You know, when I
was a little girl
and I lived in the north
section, I saw something.
- [Mike] Wow, that's amazing.
- One day, I was out playing
and I saw one of the guide cars.
- [Tom] Really?
- And there was something
there that was covered,
so I was curious and a peeked.
- [Richard] And?
- [Tom] She looks like
Henry Silva in a wig.
- I saw one of the
older members, Richard.
He was very still.
- [Mike] She fell asleep
on dermabrasion wheel.
- [Crow] Ow.
- And they said he was asleep,
that sleep was very important.
But I'll never forget
how odd it looked.
- [Tom] Do you like paper?
- We've gotta find out more.
- No.
I'm frightened.
- I am too.
But something's not right.
Unanswered questions,
Lena, have to be answered.
- Richard, no, please.
I am frightened, you
don't understand that.
- It'll be okay.
- [Mike] Come on, let's put
out our flaming crotches
and we'll find your nose.
- Hey.
Trust me.
- [Crow] After all,
I look like the guy
on "Three's Company."
- [Richard] Okay?
- [Mike] Is your face
made out of clay or...
- Okay.
- [Tom] Now let's help Jack
and Krissy move that couch.
[gunshot booming]
- Ow!
[Mike, Crow and Tom
huffing and groaning]
- [Mike] Des Moines Olympics
are kind of a letdown,
aren't they?
- Richard.
Are you okay?
- I'm fine.
- [Crow] I'm just a puss.
- I see, well you slowed down.
I thought maybe it was
your ankle or something.
- No, I just slowed down.
- I don't understand.
You can't just slow down.
When you're in a
race you have to win.
- Why?
- Why?
What kind of a question is that?
- [Tom] I'm just your
Time Life operator.
- Why get involved
in a race at all
if you're not gonna
give it all you've got?
- [Mike] Was this an
after school special?
- I gave it all
I wanted to give.
I just didn't feel like winning.
- I'll have to report this.
- To who?
- [Crow] To the council
of loser clones.
- I'll have to report that too.
- [Tom] It's
starting to stack up.
- Can I go now?
- Sure you can go.
- [Mike] Yeah, report my ass.
- [Tom] This is one of the
12 Steve Prefontaine movies
being released this year.
It's great.
- [Mike] "Crotch Fires and You."
- [Tom] Let's see, "Jake
Cardigan pulled his hovercraft."
[ominous music]
- [Mike] Did I finish
those cheese curls?
- [Tom] Doo, doo, doo.
[gasping]
- [Crow] I'm coming, Elizabeth.
I'm coming.
Elizabeth, I'm coming.
- [Mike] Feels like
an elephant clone
is sitting on my chest.
- [Tom] The James Garner Story.
- [Crow] Beef.
It's what's for dinner.
Oh.
- [Mike] Hi, we're your
heart attack consultants.
- [Tom] Let's get you out
on that track, young man.
- [Mike] Oh, please be careful.
My chalky, spongy midsection.
[ominous music]
- [Crow] On Tuesdays you
get extra prints for free!
- [Tom] God, the
human body is hideous.
- Huh.
Well, I can't see anything.
- [Mike] You're dull
and lumpy inside too.
- What did it feel like?
- It felt like a burning
sensation in my chest.
- [Crow] Well, Richard,
did you makes a run for
the boarder earlier today?
- Are you sleeping okay?
- Sure, fine.
It just happened so quick,
I don't know what it is.
- [Tom] Have you been
eating your boogers?
- Let me ask you, Richard?
Do you spend a lot of
time in the country?
- Or down by the river?
- No.
Why?
- Oh, no reason.
It's just that the
air by the river
is not really very good for you.
- [Tom] Uh-huh.
- We just thought that it might
have something to do with it.
- [Mike] Am I dead?
- What do you think it is?
- Oh, just a little attack
of the nerves, I guess.
After all, you're probably
excited about going to America.
- [Tom] Today!
- Yes.
You're scheduled
to go in two days.
- [Crow] We traded
you to Cincinnati.
- We were going to wait but
you've been progressing so well,
we're letting you go early.
- Jeez.
- Isn't that nice?
- [Mike] Ugh.
- Great.
- So why don't you go and
get some sleep, all right?
Take these pills just
before you go to bed,
I'm sure you're not going
to have any trouble at all.
- [Mike] Can I bring
my bike to America?
- Okay.
- [Tom] Nice gal.
- Well, did you hear enough?
- He's lying.
- [Crow] He looks
like an adult fetus.
- [Mike] They found my nose!
- [Tom] The tight short
clinic has been so much fun!
- I'm so happy to see you.
- [Crow] Allan and I are getting
married, isn't that great?!
- Lena, we're being watched.
- Richard, what're
you talking about?
- I tried a test last night.
I pretended I was sick
when no one was around.
We are being watched.
- Richard, why
would they watch us?
For what reason?
- [Richard] I don't know.
- [Mike] Maybe to see if
we do that rubbing thing.
- [Tom] Let's go pray at the
shrine of Dolly the sheep.
[wind howling]
- [Crow] Are you going
to Bobby's America party?
- Lena, there's something
strange happening here
that we're not
allowed to know about.
- I know.
Richard, ever since
you and I met,
the guides look at me strangely.
- Did you see the way they
looked at us when we first met?
They got angry.
- Speak to the confessional.
- I don't get any answers
from the confessional.
I think the only place
I'm gonna find any answers
is America.
- [Crow] Today!
- And I'm gonna try
and get there tonight.
- [Crow] Or today!
- But Richard,
you're not qualified.
- Look, I saw the guides.
They took George up to
the building in the hill
after his party.
I think that's a
good place to start.
I'm gonna try and get in.
- [Tom] If my SATs
are good enough.
- No.
- [Crow] You and your big nose!
- [Mike] So you wanna take
your shirt off now or...
- Lena, I have to go.
I've got to find out.
Don't be frightened.
- I am frightened, Richard.
I'm very frightened.
I'm never gonna see you again.
- Of course you're
gonna see me again.
I'm gonna go to America,
find out the answers
and I'm gonna come back.
- Richard, why?
Why do you have
to go to America?
- [Tom] Today!
- Because I have to find
out for you and for me
and for everyone else.
- [Crow] For the
baby I'm carrying.
- Lena, you can't say
anything to anybody.
- [Tom] I'll leave you a
lump of dough with hair on it
to remind you of me.
[dramatic music]
- Lena.
- [Mike] She's trying to
start his crotch on fire
with her mind.
- [Crow] Whoa, there
at Chuck Berry's ranch.
- [Tom] Aren't
these stables phony?
[electrical buzzing]
- [Crow] Yeah, Secretariat
is a personal friend of mine.
[upbeat music]
[singing tune]
- Ah, red!
- Hey, that was blue, I saw.
- No it wasn't.
- You're in the molasses swamp.
- I am not.
- Yeah, he's in molasses swamp.
- [Both] You're
in molasses swamp!
You're in molasses swamp!
You're in molasses swamp!
- Mike...
- You're in molasses swamp!
- You know me.
I'm a patient woman.
- You're in molasses swamp!
- Shut up!
Oh, momma, do I need a break.
I sure could use that old
electronic babysitter right now.
So could you guys quick
whip up a TV show,
maybe one of them
public kid shows.
You know, educational.
You know the kind of
crap I'm talking about.
[Bobo groaning]
[laughing]
- Ah, Mrs. Forrester,
so you need me
and I have all the power.
[laughing]
Once again you see there
is nothing you can possess
which I cannot take away.
Too bad.
The Havidos could've warned you
if only you spoke Havidos.
[speaking foreign language]
- Ugh.
Oh, would you just help me out.
Hey, kids, "Satellite
of Love" is on.
- Oh, I don't like
that show, it's dumb.
- It's got robots.
- Robots are dumb, you're dumb.
- I took the liberty of
making some fruit leather.
- What the hell is--
- [Kids] Fruit leather!
[chiming music]
♪ We'll have fun on
the Satellite of Love ♪
♪ Today
[giggling]
- Hi, kids!
- Hi.
- I'm Crow the...
Cow.
[laughing]
And this is Tommy the
timid tuna, right.
- Aaaww.
- Today's letter...
- A.
- A?
- [Both] A!
[laughing]
[clearing throat]
- Today's number.
- Three.
[gasping]
- Three?
[laughing]
So today...
Today we learned...
- A
and three.
♪ Today we learned
♪ A and three
♪ Today we learned A and three
[laughing]
- I love you.
♪ Today we learned
♪ A and three
♪ Today we learned A and three
[giggling]
- Moo.
- Great, thanks.
I'm gonna sneak out and
see if I can find a casino
on this crumby planet.
[speaking foreign language]
[cheering]
[upbeat Latin music]
- Woo!
[speaking foreign language]
- Agua.
Agua.
[cheering]
[upbeat Latin music]
[crying]
I'll get you for this, Nelson!
[cheering]
[upbeat Latin music]
[alarm buzzing]
[yelling foreign language]
[mechanical buzzing]
[water bubbling]
[beeping]
[door creaking]
- [Tom] Weee!
- [Crow] Super Dave Osborne
come to turn down the bed.
- 807, secure.
- [Mike] Proceeding to number
eight to re-pet the bunny.
- [Tom] Leave the hall light on!
Oh.
- [Mike] Well, I'm wet already.
- [Crow] I'm gonna get the
last of the Frusen Glaädjé.
[ominous music]
- [Tom] The director just
points the camera at the lamp
and trusts the lamp
to carry the scene.
- [Mike] I forgot to have
my nightly glass
of cottage cheese.
- [Crow] He's gonna
wake up the whole floor
and tell them about
that damn can again.
- [Tom] Sssh, I
don't wanna wake me.
- [Mike] It takes a dork.
- [Crow] You know, everything's
so dramatic with him.
He's just going to the lavatory.
- [Tom] I'm gonna head
to the student union
and shake a candy machine
till a Clark Bar comes out.
[Mike giggling]
- [Mike] This movie was really
a promotional film for UW-Stout.
- [Tom] No one knew how
to hit the shuttlecock.
They're all getting F's!
- [Mike] I work for
the Clonus Project.
We get free coffee.
[eerie music]
- [Crow] I left my
flute in the band room.
- [Tom] Ow!
- [Mike] Hi, Richard.
- [Tom] Yah, yep.
- Come on, it can wait
five minutes, can't it?
I just poured myself
a cup of coffee.
- [Crow] Now, now,
now, Harvey, Harvey.
- Yeah, so?
- [Mike] You talking to me?
You telling me to
put down my coffee?
- Look, Ernie,
it's clear over on the
other side of the facility.
Have a heart.
- [Tom] I'm gonna
free Randle McMurphy!
- [Crow] He's a nurse's aid
that doesn't play by the rules.
[Tom singing tune]
- Okay.
Okay, I said I'm coming.
- [Mike] This job ain't
worth the free puffy hats!
[ominous music]
- [Tom] I just
authorized myself.
- [Crow] I'm gonna
amortize the crap
out of some of
these spreadsheets.
- [Mike] Just gonna change
my nutritional chart
to include more pop.
[Mike chuckling]
You know, I think they
cloned him from Timer,
the cheese mascot.
- [Tom] Let's face it,
clones are rock stupid.
[ominous music]
- [Crow] Larry Dallas
is "The Saint."
- [Mike] It might
help him at this point
if he had an objective
of some sort.
- [Crow] You know, the
truth is out there.
- [Tom] Oh, neat.
- [Mike] Sure it is.
- [Tom] Let's see, "smoking
crotch, smoking crotch,
"smoking crotch."
[ominous music]
- [Crow] Gotta see if
there's hot dog tater bake
on next week's lunch menu.
- [Mike] The Clonus Project
seems remarkably disorganized.
- [Crow] Yeah, they
really need to get online.
- [Tom] Yeah.
[foreboding music]
[Tom chanting in demonic voice]
[Crow laughing]
- [Crow] That's pretty good.
- [Mike] What do you know, we
aren't at war with Eurasia.
[ominous music]
- [Tom] As soon as
I get to America
I'm going straight to Branson!
[Mike singing "Mission:
Impossible" tune]
Marty, we'll march into Masina
and I'll sweep down
from the north.
[somber music]
- [Crow] Yeah, I saw
"The Dead" there,
I saw "The Dead" there.
Yah, saw "The Dead" there too.
- [Tom] The lip-less horror.
- [Mike] Now I get it.
I don't understand a thing.
- [Crow] Darn.
- [Tom] Hey, anybody
ever been to Milwaukee?!
[Crow chuckling]
[Tom shushing]
- [Crow] Sorry.
[Mike singing "Alfred
Hitchcock Presents" music]
[military drumming]
Rat-a-tat-tat.
Old Milkwaukee, Blatz,
Hooper, Howenstein,
Chief Oshkosh.
[footsteps thumping]
- [Mike] They'll
never know I was here.
[somber music]
- [Tom] Security, huh?
A very complex security system.
- [Mike] This is probably
the most interest
anyone has shown in Milwaukee.
- [Crow] He's
trying to find a map
to the original Cunningham
house on "Happy Days."
[somber music]
- [Tom] "Camp Reject
was developed to
house all the losers."
- [Mike] Wow, this
guy's hideous!
Oh, it's me.
- [Crow] Thanks to Miss
Taylor's fourth grad class
for transcribing our
secret clone notes.
- [Tom] Yearbook
staff, two, three.
- [Mike] They don't need
to know this about me.
- [Crow] Maybe the
ear clip is to trace
his migratory patterns?
[footsteps thumping]
- [Mike] Black
helicopter, Roswell,
Area 51, Waco,
formula for Coca-Cola.
[foreboding music]
- [Crow] Ah, here it is,
"Parts: The Clonus Horror."
Should explain everything.
- [Tom] I have been
wanting to read this book.
- [Mike] Great, someone
taped "Models Inc."
[chuckling]
- [Crow] Uh, the network's down.
- [Tom] Yeah, I tried that.
- [Mike] Well, I'm
not waiting up.
[foreboding music]
- [Tom] Good morning, Mr. Lump.
- [Narrator] Each cell in
the human body contains--
- [Mike] Hi.
- [Crow] Hi.
- [Narrator] It is
these chromosomes,
one set from each parent,
that determine who
and how we are.
- [Mike] Mom, I'm
watching cartoons.
- [Narrator] Genetic roadmaps.
The process of reproduction
finds a sperm cell
and an egg cell.
- [Crow] Excuse me.
Excuse me, please.
Excuse me, trying
to get through.
- [Narrator] Joining
and reproducing.
- [Tom] We've been hit!
- [Narrator] The
cell is complete,
resulting in a separate organism
that shares the
traits of its parents.
- [Mike] Mr. Mutant
and Mrs. Freak.
- [Narrator] In 1931,
we successfully removed
the nucleus of a female--
- [Crow] Hey!
What's the idea,
I was using that.
- [Narrator] The
replacement nucleus,
which contained two
sets of chromosomes--
- [Tom] Duh.
Duh, duh.
Duh, duh, duh.
- [Narrator] Resulting
in a second organism
exact in every
respect to the first.
- [Mike] And butts were born.
- [Narrator] This process has
come to be called "cloning."
- [Tom] Duh, duh, duh, duh.
- [Narrator] Armed
with this technology
and unlimited funding,
we established "Clonus."
[Crow laughing]
Isolated and secure,
Clonus is a breeder
facility for clones.
- [Crow] Secret.
- [Narrator] Each a unique
duplicate of a counterpart
either domestic
or international.
- [Crow] And the food!
- [Narrator] One of the most
serious problems encountered
was the suppression
of individuality.
This problem proved temporary
as medical technicians
learned that through
simple lobotomies...
- [Crow] Ow.
- [Narrator] These clones
could be made benign
and cooperative.
- [Mike] I like mittens.
[footsteps thumping]
- [Narrator] Further research
led to the perfection of--
- [Crow] Well that was a waste.
I didn't find out a thing.
- [Tom] Convenient
he happened in to
the Department of Backstory.
[ominous music]
- [Mike] No one's
guarding my father!
- [Crow] He's a renegade mime.
- [Tom] Okay.
I should be in Milwaukee by now.
- [Crow] "Chariots of Puss."
- [Mike] Trot, trot for my life.
- [Tom] Just his luck,
he's gonna get killed
by Merv Griffin.
- [Jameson] Dr. Nelson,
hold that elevator!
- [Mike] I can't, it's too big.
- [Crow] Nelson.
And he bumps right
into Bruce Willis.
[bell ringing]
- [Tom] I think Yoshi
parked up on seven.
- [Mike] Boy, the water's
really good today.
- [Nelson] You got here early
this morning, Dr. Jameson.
- I had to.
- [Tom] Rode in with Endora.
- A lot to do.
- [Crow] Ride the elevator
ride at Six Flags Over Texas!
[Tom groaning]
[Tom gagging]
- [Mike] You going to Applebee's
for Karen's birthday lunch?
- [Tom] I suppose we have to.
[Mike groaning]
- [Crow] This is what
happens when Ottis Elevator
sponsors a movie.
Hey, hey, stop it!
- [Mike] Ah, don't do that.
- [Tom] Bill
Muscleman, Private I.
- This is Davis in records.
There's something wrong,
we've been busted into.
Sound the alert.
- [Mike] I hope he never
becomes the naked prey.
- [Tom] Yeah.
[alarm buzzing]
- [Mike] You turn the light on.
That's why you're my assistant.
- [Crow] He didn't fluff!
- I don't care what it takes.
We gotta find it
and get that tape!
- What'd they say?
[Tom singing "Mario
Bros." theme music]
- They'll find it.
What're you worried about?
It can't get away.
[foreboding music]
[Tom growling]
[Crow whimpering]
- [Crow] It's the map
of the shopping district
in Des Plaines.
[Mike chuckling]
[Tom whimpering]
- [Mike] A member of
Mummenschanz is on the lamb.
- Oh, they're watching
the "Mondrian" channel.
[Tom giggling]
[Mike whimpering]
[exciting music]
- [Tom] Maybe have to rethink
their $11 security budget.
- [Mike As Woody Allen]
"He's running through
"fields of wheat."
- [Tom] "Wheat."
- [Crow] "Plenty of wheat."
- [Crow] Lou Rawls
is "The Equalizer."
- [Tom] Kind of
a weird biathlon.
[gunshot booming]
Ow.
- [Crow] The bullets
caused the Kettle Moraine.
- [Mike] I feel disappointment
that I was shot.
- [Tom] There,
there's the flavor!
- [Crow] Let's get our
trained gnats after him!
- [Mike] Gentlemen, we have
a soft, lumpy target search.
[suspenseful music]
- [Guide] He's been
hit but not stopped.
He's headed toward
the outer perimeter.
- [Tom] Pew, "ow."
Pew, "ow."
Pew, "ow."
Pew, "ow."
Pew.
- [Mike] I'm starting
to think Peter Graves
didn't invest much
time in this movie.
- [Crow] Oh, he jumped right
into the soylent green factory.
- [Jameson] He's over the fence!
Damn it!
[computer beeping]
- [Tom] Would you stop playing
pong back there please?
- Mr. Walker!
- [Mike] Mr. Texas Ranger.
- A clone has escaped.
- [Tom] Pew, "ow."
Pew, "ow."
Pew, woo, "ow."
Pew, "ow."
Pew, "ow."
[Mike laughing]
Pew, "ow."
Pew.
- [Crow] He's taking
a lot of hits.
[foreboding music]
Oh, I bet they're filming a
truck commercial up there.
- [Mike] Look how many time
a coyote fell off that.
- [Crow] I am Kurock.
[whining]
- [Tom] Wow, this
is one tough hole.
Do you think?
- [Crow] Do it!
- Yes! Jump!
- Jump!
- Jump, do it, come on!
- Come on!
You want to!
- [Tom] Yes!
- [Crow] Jump!
- [Mike] He walked right
into Golan Heights.
- [Crow] Think how many new
things there are out there
for him to not understand.
- [Tom] I'm dreaming
about Pep Club.
- [Mike] I hope I get
the part of Chrissy.
[Crow snoring]
- [Crow] You're late for Econ!
- What's the matter?
No!
- [Tom] You will enjoy our
free continental breakfast!
- [Mike] He blends right
in with the dimwitted,
overly-armed southwest.
- [Crow] Oh, the Ravenite
Social Club social club.
- [Mike] It's the all white
version of "Salaam Bombay."
- [Crow] This isn't
exactly the naked city.
It's the clothing optional city.
- [Tom] There's gotta be
a clone counseling center
around here somewhere.
- [Mike] Watch, he'll run
into Chauncey Gardiner
coming the other way.
[Tom laughing]
- [Tom] Hi Sanford, hi son.
- [Crow] Wow, the arcade's
kind of under stocked.
- [Mike] "Don's
Pinball Machine."
- [Crow] James Galway
owns that porn theater.
- [Tom] "Oh, come right in and
enjoy some wholesome porn."
[traffic commotion]
- [Crow] It's Juan Epstein.
- [Tom] Hey, Lionel.
- [Mike] Is that Harley
Davidson or the Marlboro Man?
- [Crow] Can't tell.
That's Peter Fonda.
- [Tom] Gary Busey.
- [Mike] Malcolm Forbes.
- This is Unit Two.
I'm pursuing.
All right, 10-4.
- [Crow] This is "Then
Came Bronson," over.
[foreboding music]
- [Mike] Ow, over.
[motor rumbling]
- [Tom] Pew, "ow."
Pew, "ow."
[Crow laughing]
- [Crow] Even though I've
never seen one of these things,
I'm completely terrified!
[Tom whimpering]
Watch it!
- [Mike] Big tombstones
for the big and tall man.
[exciting music]
Hey, I just wanted to tell
you your zipper's down.
[gunshot booming]
- [Tom] Ow!
Ow!
[Mike chuckling]
- [Mike] Hi, how are
you? My name's Richard.
Can I borrow your bike,
that's really nice of you.
- [Crow] Gotta get to
the sculpture garden.
- [Boy] Hey, come
back with that!
That's my bike!
- [Mike] Pacific
blue afternoons.
- [Crow] Join us for
the East LA Fun Ride.
[Tom whimpering]
- [Tom] Oh, the garbage
ran in front of me!
- [Mike As Pee-Wee Herman]
"I meant to do that."
- [Crow] UPS man, down!
- [Tom] What is he doing?!
- [Mike] Ew.
- [Crow] Stop it! No heaving,
thrusting or splaying!
- [Mike] Honey, we got mimes.
- [Tom] You wanna
of them perverts?
- Hey, fella.
- [Crow] Go suck
someone else's garbage.
- You've been through
some really heavy scenes.
Come on, I'll give you a hand.
- [Mike] Trust me,
I'm Keenan Ivory Wynn.
- There's nothing
to be afraid of.
Come on, I'll give you a hand.
Come on, you're all
right, everything is fine.
Come on!
- [Tom] He talks
like Ruth Gordon.
[Crow whining]
- Good Lord.
- [Crow] Oh boy.
- He isn't hurt, he
had a bike accident.
Just get some hot water.
- Oh, I will.
Oh my gracious.
Take him in there, take
him in the other room.
- [Mike As Aunt Bee] "Andy!"
- Sit down here.
Perfectly all right.
- [Crow] Soon as Tanta
Kringle gets in here,
we'll get started.
- [Woman] There you go.
Oh, wow.
- [Richard] Can you help me?
They're after me
and I've got to find my--
- Oh, hush now, here.
- [Tom] I'm just gonna
pour ammonia in your eye.
- Anna will talk your leg off
while she's fixing you up.
- He says I talk too
much but I don't.
Oh.
- [Mike] You are a hunk of man.
- Try to get a word in
edge-wise around him.
- What is that?
- What?
- Right there, what is that?
- Oh, Jake, that's an earring.
They're all wearing them.
- [Crow] That means he's
a friend of Dorothy.
- Will you help me
find my other part?
- [Tom] Help you find Arvo Paärt?
- This part you
keep talking about.
- [Mike] Wow, that
is one sexy bun.
- [Crow] Yeah, her
hairstyle's cute too.
[Mike chuckling]
- [Tom] 53 hours of AOL?!
- This is your father.
- Let's see that.
Let's see it.
- All right, dear!
- I would like to.
- [Crow] Good improv.
- [Richard] I don't
know who he is.
I only know I'm his clone.
- Clone?
Clone, now where
have I heard that?
Clone.
Oh, I just--
- [Tom] Well.
- Jake, do you know
what a clone is?
- Just keep quiet for a
moment, will you, Anna?
- Everybody knows
what a clone is.
Let me see, I was reading
in the Digest the other day.
- [Crow] Think.
- [Anna] And there
was an article about--
- [Jake] Anna, would you just--
- [Anna] Tadpoles!
- Look, I broke into
the main building.
I got that paper and the
records of all my friends.
You know what
they're trying to do?
I can prove they're
trying to kill--
- Sonny, sonny, please.
Just keep it down.
- [Tom] All the
double-wides in LA,
he hold up with "The Lockhorns."
- The place.
- [Mike] A face
inspired by a tuna melt.
- Clonus.
- [Crow] Oh, the horror
down the street, sure.
- I'm going to help
you find your father.
Now, I'm a newspaper reporter.
- He's retired.
Forced to at 65!
- I am a newspaper reporter!
You don't have to tell me
right now who shot you.
- Yes, well you just leave
him be, will you, Jake?!
Now, let's look at this address.
- [Mike] Keenan Wynn is
Jack Perkins as Mr. Food.
- Well, I can tell
him how to get there.
- No you can't tell
him how to get there,
you're going with
him, right now!
- Anna.
- What?
- [Crow] If you weren't
pregnant, I'd leave you.
- Don't you think
he's maybe a little...
[Crow whimpering like a puppy]
- Won't you take me
to find my other part?
♪ Won't you take me to
find my other part ♪
- We will!
- [Richard] Will
you take me now?
- [Tom] Whoa!
- Yeah, I'll take you.
- Well, at last.
If he didn't, he'd never
hear the last of it.
Well, don't sit there, go.
- I'm going!
I have to put on a
necktie and a coat.
- [Crow] Do you realize
how much I hate you?!
- Jake!
[upbeat music]
- [All] Whoa!
- [Mike] Oh, why?
- [Crow] "Agua."
- "Once we killed
with stone clubs."
- [Crow] Richard
Harris as Robert Bly.
- "Now we kill
with atomic bombs."
Period.
Paragraph.
- [Mike] And erase it all.
- Are you through yet?
- Why, do I bore you?
- Today, yes.
- [Tom] Everyday, yes.
- What about the idea
of taking today off?
No dull philosophy for you
and no boring speech
writing for me.
- You bored campaigning
with your Uncle Jeff?
- [Crow] Mark Spitz and
Michael Caine at home.
- [Mike] Oh no, no, no, oh.
- [Crow] Oh boy.
Stay.
- [Tom] Don't.
- [Mike] Oh, we've found
it, this is the horror.
- [Tom] Stop it! What
have we ever done to you?
- And you try to blind
those who cannot see.
- [Crow] With your
shrink-wrapped batch.
- That's a good line.
Using that in the class?
- [Tom] A bad version
of "Prick Up Your Ears."
- Who's red?
- Me.
- Excuse me.
I beg your pardon.
Mr. Richard Knight?
- Yes.
- [Crow] The neighbors
have got together
and bought your friend a robe.
- Richard Patrick Knight?
- [Richard] You have
the advantage on me.
- I'm sorry.
My name is Jake Noble.
- [Mike] Napoleon imitator.
- I wonder if I could
talk to you in private.
- This is my son, Rick.
We can certainly
speak in front of him.
What is it that you want?
- [Tom] To cover his parts.
- Oh, I have your other son.
- Other son, what're
you talking about?
What other son?
- The one who was shot.
The one who keeps
talking about Clonus.
- Look, Mr. Noble, I
don't know who you are,
I don't know what you want
but I've got a lot of work
to do and my son, here--
- He's right outside.
- [Crow] Let's show
him what he's won.
- But I don't have another son.
- Oh, really?
Well then how do
you explain this?
- [Mike] I got out
of my car seat.
Oh, and you need
to change me again.
- What is this, a joke?
- [Tom] Are you a
clown, do you amuse me?
- [Mike] Another Scott Baio.
- [Tom] Wow!
- [Crow] Did the guys at
the office set this up?
- Who are you?
- I'm you, Mr. Knight.
I'm your clone.
- [Tom] Oh, that's right,
I ordered one and forgot.
[ominous music]
- [Walker] Don't tell me that.
- [Crow] It's dirty.
- [Walker] Damn it,
why am I paying you
all of this money for security?
I don't care what it takes.
- [Mike] We should get cubicles.
- [Walker] If you can't handle
it, I've got people who can.
Now I don't have to remind
you what could happen to you
if that tape got into
the wrong hands, do I?
- [Jameson] No, sir.
- [Walker] Well do I?
- [Jameson] No, sir.
- [Tom] Well do I?
- [Mike] No, sir.
- [Walker] I knew
you'd see it my way.
- [Crow] I thought
it was skin cream
but it was Elmer's Glue.
- [TV Narrator] An ongoing and
self-supporting institution
of service and research.
- [Mike] At Oral
Roberts University.
- That's incredible.
- Difficult to believe
is more like it.
- [Tom] Will you
wipe me, clone daddy?
- Get up!
- [Jake] What're you doing?
- [Mike] Oh.
- [Old Richard] He
is a clone, my clone!
- [Crow] Ugh, like the movie
wasn't horrible enough?!
- Someone took bits of you
and created a duplicate.
- [Mike] Are you mad
at me, clone daddy?
- Damned if I know.
- Now this place you keep
talking about, Clonus.
- [Tom] Is there a bar?
- Is everybody
from there a clone?
- No, they're all my friends
and then there are the
guides and the doctors
and that's all I've
ever seen on Clonus.
- Why?
Why Clonus and who's doing it?
- [Ricky] Where is Clonus?
- I don't know!
I am confused!
- [Crow] Put me in
my Johnny Jump Up!
- I ran a long ways.
And then I came up to the
boulders and I looked down
and this is what I saw.
- If he escape from Clonus.
- [Crow] Yeah.
- Somebody is probably
looking for him right now.
Jake?
- [Mike] A nice
roast beef sandwich
with horseradish on it.
- Well I hope you're right.
- [Tom] Do you cry
a lot, clone daddy?
- We better proceed
as if nobody,
nobody else knows you exist
or where you are.
- Professor.
You know that tip will blow
the lid off of everything?
- [Crow] Speaking of,
where's the bathroom?
- [Ricky] Yeah but what're
we gonna do with it
in the meantime?
- I'll take it home.
- [Ricky] You?
- [Mike] I'm gonna
tape golf over it.
- I know where to keep it.
- That's good.
Rick, is Jeff at home?
- Sure.
[Mike, Tom and Crow laughing]
- Fine, I wanna speak to Jeff
and meet him somewhere.
This whole thing is
probably something
the public is not
supposed to know about.
Jeff may have heard
of this place, Clonus,
and can fill in some
of the empty blanks.
- I don't think so, Dad,
because I know just
about everything
that's going on with Jeff.
- [Tom] Uh-huh.
- Professor, are you talking
about the Jeff Knight?
- Senator Knight's my brother.
- That's very interesting.
- Yeah, well, he'll
know if anybody will
or know he'll know
how to find out.
I'm going to try to call him.
- We'll go take care
of everything, son.
- [Tom] And they all
head into the closet.
- [Rick] Looks like you
could use some new clothes.
Let me get you some.
Does your shoulder hurt?
- [Crow] Let me get you
some boot-cut jeans,
some mesh cut off tees
and some tight cargo shorts.
- [Tom] Hey, short
time companion.
- [Rick] You look so sad.
Everything's going
to be all right.
- [Crow] So, you're
stupid, hideous,
ugly and repulsive
clone, so what?
Ugh, boy.
- This is not my world.
- [Mike] It's a
marshmallow world.
- I am so alone here.
- [Tom] Well, there's the Ropers
and Jack Tripper downstairs.
- [Mike] Hello?
- [Crow] Grandma's back
and she had Ensure.
- Rich, hey!
- [Tom] There he is.
- Sorry I'm late.
- It's okay, thanks for coming.
- Oh, well, you know, trying
to get away from the campaign.
- Sorry, sorry.
- I hope Rick's taking
the day off too.
- He sure is.
- [Tom] Peter Graves
movie bookend.
- This supposed clone you
mentioned on the telephone.
- [Crow] Is he cute?
- Where is he?
- My house, why?
- [Mike] He's need
for "Biography."
- Well, because this is big.
It's really big.
Is the tape at your place too?
- How did you know about that?
I didn't say anything
about a tape.
- Well, I just assumed.
Everything's on tape
today, isn't it?
- No, you didn't assume,
you know, didn't you?
- [Tom] All right, draw.
- [Jeff] Yeah, you saw the tape?
- Yeah and it's scary.
- [Crow] Adam Sandler's in it.
- All right, you know
part of the story,
there is such a project.
- [Mike] On "Biography"
tonight on A&E.
- It's still in the
experimental stage.
- [Tom] It's called
"Biography On Ice."
- But the fact that
you know about it
leaves you sitting right
on a keg of dynamite.
- [Mike] Oh, hey, and
remember to watch "Biography."
Paul Lynde, tonight.
- [Crow] Climb aboard
"The Monkey Business."
Donna Rice is
waiting below deck.
- [Tom] We have brainstormed
a lot of good biographies
on this baby.
- You're gonna find
this hard to understand.
I know I do.
- [Mike] You can't
be on "Biography."
- The whole thing is
about organ transplants.
- What?
- That's right, hearts,
kidneys, lungs, all that.
- [Crow] Thumbs,
elbows, nasal hair.
- If a person needs an
organ transplant, his clone,
which is an exact
duplicate of him,
can provide him one very easily.
- They're used for
transplants for who?
- Well, obviously
not for everyone.
It wouldn't be
practical or economical.
- [Tom] Or Republican.
- I see, for the select few.
Those the politicians decide.
While you try to
create a master race.
- Consider the possibilities.
Supposed Einstein had lived.
Suppose Churchill or Roosevelt
had been able to live
for nearly 200 years and
still function for the world!
- Or Stalin or Hitler.
- [Crow] Yeah, right, exactly.
- Ever since we
were little kids,
you've been doing that
knight on a crusade.
There are a lot of
things more important.
There is the good of the people.
- Good of the people?!
- [Tom] "Good of the
people! Good of the people!"
[Mike laughing]
- He's been shot!
You're telling me that's
for the good of the people?
- [Mike] Fine, then
you host "Biography."
- Using that boy for transplants
is premeditated murder.
Those people are being kept
prisoner for a specific purpose,
which eventually
leads to their death!
What happened to
their human rights?
What?
- Well that's exactly the point.
Human rights.
Clones are not humans,
they're things.
- They're people!
Exactly like us!
- No they're not.
If it weren't for us,
they wouldn't even exist.
- [Tom] On "Biography."
- You're playing God.
Jeff, that's wrong!
- The ultimate intention
is to help humanity, Rich.
- Then why keep it a secret?
- Because as soon
as the word got out,
you know what would happen,
people would start yelling
"corruption and evil."
They'd condemn the
idea of immortality
as being against the
purpose of creation.
[Tom mimicking ape]
Or some nonsense like that
and you know what
they'd really be saying?
- [Mike] Bite me!
- "Why not me? Why
can't I have one?"
- Now this can't be kept secret.
It's legally and morally wrong!
[rumbling]
[beeping]
[mechanical buzzing]
[chains rattling]
[thudding]
- Hey, what's going
on down there, Mike?
- Well, the kids asked Mrs.
Forrester a difficult question,
so they're having
a serious talk.
You know, "that" talk.
- Ah.
Kirk versus Picard, huh?
Yeah, that's a tough one.
- Yeah, exactly.
- Oh, the facts of life.
Don't you kids get
the "Spice Channel?"
- I believe it was a
mediocre sitcom of the 1980s
starring Charlotte Rae.
Anyway...
- Now wouldn't you rather
have Tanta Bobo show you
how to use a stick to catch
some yummy, crunchy termites?
- No.
- Okay, okay, here we go then.
- When two brains
love each other,
they may decide they want
to share the same brain pan,
as it where.
- Every chick for herself,
that's the real facts
of life, cookie.
If he wants to dance, he's
gonna have to pay the band.
He wants to paint the house,
he's gonna have
to buy the enamel.
And the primer.
And you still might wanna
consider aluminum siding.
- Grandma Pearl, I don't know
what you're talking about.
- I'm not sure I
do either, darling.
But if he wants
to sod the lawn--
- Yes, lad, love is kind
and tender and delicate.
The gentle pleasures
of two people
connecting in love are many.
Love is a sort of
gossamer beauty
and ignore it!
Thankfully we've moved
beyond that nonsense.
- A really good mate's gonna
be able to outrun you for a bit
but just grab hold of one
leg and hang on tight,
you're gonna get kicked,
that's always part of it.
And an advanced tool user's
probably gonna nail you
with a few rocks.
And there are always
rivals to fend off.
That's why we have
the full charge.
Now I'm gonna demonstrate, so
don't worry, don't be scared.
Just watch me.
[growling]
[gagging]
Good boy, you'll go far.
[chuckling]
[upbeat music]
- If I need another heart,
what am I supposed to do?
- [Tom] I blew all
my "Biography" money.
Went straight up my nose.
- That heart operation
I had two years ago.
The heart came from
my adult clone.
It's exactly the same as
my old heart only younger
and stronger and without it,
I wouldn't be alive today.
- [Mike] In fact, I'm not.
- My new clone is just a baby.
- [Rich] Now wait a
minute, you have two?
- [Crow] Clone hog!
- I plan to be
around a long time.
And, Rich, I am offering you
a gift certificate to life
and you turn your back on me.
Your my brother and I love you.
Do you know the strings I had
to pull to get you cloned?
- [Rich] How did they clone
me without me knowing it?
- That's easy.
All it takes is one body cell.
It happened almost 30 years ago
during one of your physicals.
Rich, this is your
chance for immortality.
You don't have to
worry about dying
because there is a
duplicate of you.
And if you don't believe
it, go back and take a look
at that clone you have.
Its been conditioned for
30 years to make sure
that you and I stay
brother for a long time.
- [Tom] Mom says hi, by the way.
- [Mike] Well, I've had
my eye on a new spleen.
- I have to think
about all this.
- All right.
All right, you do that.
Because there are people
who will do anything
to make sure this
is kept secret.
People I can't stop.
- Jeff, I really have
to think about this.
Some of the things you've
said are well taken.
[Crow and Mike laughing]
- All right, then you go
on home, keep him there.
- [Mike] Nice boom mic.
- [Crow] I'll order you up
a gross of clones
in the meantime.
- And, Rich.
- [Mike] Sorry I
made you eat paste.
- Keep it capped.
Even I'm expendable if it
means keeping Clonus alive.
- [Tom] So what
happens if your clone
is a hard drinking,
hard living clone?
- [Crow] Sorry, we need your
liver to keep your clone alive.
Sail away!
- [Tom] I want my Teddy Grams.
- [Rich] Where is he?
- He's asleep and
Jake went home.
- Ah.
- [Crow] Sure.
- What did Jeff have to say?
- [Mike] Well, "Biography"
continues to do well.
- He said he'd look into it.
- He hadn't heard, huh?
[crying]
- [Crow] I wet another bed.
- [Rick] Well, maybe we
oughta call the papers.
- [Tom] Meatloaf sweats
less than this guy.
- We have to help him get back.
He misses his girl.
He's just like us.
- [Mike] Oh, wait,
that's not just like us.
- No he's not.
- [Mike] Wow.
- [Rich] He's a freak of nature.
- [Crow] Could you
turn down the heat?
It's like 90 in here.
- [Rich] I'm just saying,
whatever's going on
is out of our hands.
- [Tom] Can I watch
"Lion King" again?
- No, Jeff thinks
it's all a ruse.
Nothing to get seriously
concerned about.
It's just something that's....
[Tom slurping]
- If you're not gonna
call the papers,
then I'm gonna do it.
- [Mike] I'm calling
Michael Flatley.
- Damn it!
What is going on?!
[Tom laughing]
- [Rich] I can't tell you.
Honestly, son, please,
now I can't tell you.
- [Rick] You turned
him in, didn't you?
- [Tom] You're getting
divorced because of me!
- Richard in, didn't you?
- [Crow] Sure!
- No, I didn't.
I just talked to Jeff and
he told me the whole story.
He said do nothing
and he'll take care of it.
- [Tom] So you're not taking
me to the Harlem Globetrotters.
[Tom whimpering]
[Mike laughing]
- All I know is
you're talking crazy.
- [Mike] And I'm
the posture prince.
- No I'm not.
- [Crow] I can't smoke
chocolate, I know that now.
- Maybe because you're
young it sounds that way.
But when you grow older there's
a definite scheme to things.
You're born,
you run through life,
you wear out,
you die.
- [Tom] You have one
illegitimate son.
Oh, dang!
- So?
- So,
Clonus.
- [Crow] Walks
into a bar and he--
- I don't get it.
- [Tom] I'm not done.
- So Clonus replaces
what's warn out.
- [Mike] Did I eat all the
Kaboom or is there some left?
- [Rick] Have created
this clone farm,
an organ bank, right?
- What's wrong?
- [Crow] With my line read.
- With wanting to live?
- [Tom] Nothing,
unless it's you.
- You murder to do it.
- If they're not really human.
- [Crow] He needs
to be damp mopped.
- [Rick] Dad, he's
a human being.
- [Rich] No he's not.
- [Mike] He swallowed his lips!
- [Tom] Wow!
- No!
I'm just like you are!
- [Mike] Isn't that horrible?!
- [Crow] Duuuh.
- [Mike] Hey, a "Testosterossa."
- I wanna go back!
I have to go back.
- I wanna help you.
- No.
- [Tom] I just wet your car.
- Listen, I wanna
help you get back.
- [Crow] I'll lend
you my low-rise pants.
- Trust me.
- [Mike] Is this starting
to feel funny to you too?
- [Tom] There's a stirring
in my little clonus.
- [Crow] Oh, why
don't you kiss him
instead of holding
him to death?!
- [Mike] Now pull your top down
and pretend this never happened.
- [Tom] "Clonus: The
Boys In the Band Horror."
- [Crow] It's official, Dad,
we don't know what
you do for a living.
- You're gonna have to help us
or you're gonna have to kill me!
Because there's no way I'm
gonna keep quiet about this.
- There's nothing I can do!
It's out of my hands.
- Didn't I hear you
say just this morning
that we're all morally
responsible for all of our acts?
- [Mike] Ah, you kids with
your morals and your ethics
and your 8-track tapes, aaaah.
- All right.
All right, go.
- [Tom] And never
darken my towels again.
- Quickly.
- [Mike] Thank you, Sir Dad.
- I'll take him back while
you call the newspapers.
- I'll do it.
Son,
be careful.
Careful.
- [Tom] Okay, bye, me.
[Mike laughing]
- [Mike] "Starsky and Clone."
- [Tom] I wanna know if
they're gonna listen to BTO.
[engine rumbling]
- [Crow] And Abraham drove Issac
to the top of the mountain.
♪ One more clone
up in the canyon ♪
- Damn you!
- Sorry.
- [Tom] As long as they're here,
they should've
filmed in a cloud.
- I don't care about
anything right now.
Just Lena.
[faint speaking]
- [Crow] I can't hear
what they're saying
and, frankly, I don't care.
- [Mike] Sorry about our
pants toughing earlier.
- [Tom] The clone is tagged
and set free in its
natural environment.
[dramatic choir music]
- [Crow] If you have to take
a pee, I'll just turn around!
- [Mike] Where am I going again?
- [Tom] The
Bulgarian folk choir.
They arrived in limousine.
- [Crow] Well, thanks
for that liver, guys,
that was really nice of you.
[crickets chirping]
- [Mike] Hey, my clone's
doing all right for himself.
- [Tom] Door-to-door
"Biography."
I'd like to tell you
about the fascinating life
of Charles Grodin.
- Rich, we have to talk.
- [Crow] Some coffee
for your thugs?
- You might as well tell us
now, there is no backing out.
- I've already told you,
I don't know where he is
and I don't know
where the tape is.
- [Jeff] No, you're lying to me.
- [Mike] I'm gonna have
Barney rough you up.
- You're not sure, are you?
So you might as well tell
these gentleman to kill me.
That's what they're
here for, isn't it?
- Rich, I told you there
were people I can't stop.
- Besides, if you kill me,
you only have a couple
new parts, right?
- [Tom] The Sansabelt Murders.
- How does that work?
Can you do that?
Reprogram my mind so I that
I won't cause you
so much trouble.
Maybe even dance at
your inauguration.
- [Mike] Huge
lamps of the '70's,
tonight on "Biography."
- Is it really worth it, Jeff?
When did you change?
- [Crow] Dressed like
a liquor distributor.
- It is worth it
because I'm going
to be president.
- Oh.
- [Mike] Oh, you'll
be president, my butt.
- Jeff Knight, the
people's choice.
- [Jeff] Damn it,
where is the tape?
- I don't know,
truly, I don't know.
Maybe it's on the way
back to your clone farm.
Maybe it's on the way to
the newspapers, who knows?
- [Tom] Smack on him!
- [Crow] Sit on his head!
[Rich groaning]
- [Mike] Oh, you're gonna
write "dork' on his forehead.
- Cain raised up and slew Abel.
- [Tom] It was kinda like this
because you're my brother,
get it?
- It's Pentothal,
I want the truth.
- [Crow] I prefer Jack
Perkins, there, I said it!
- That's a little too
sophisticated for you, isn't it?
Who gives you your orders?
- Shut up!
- Certainly,
after all, you're
only doing your duty.
Someone threatens
your spare parts bank,
destroy him, it's clean,
simple, neat!
- [Mike] Close to
all the shopping.
- Shut up!
- [Tom] He's going to
be a bigger problem
then Billy Carter.
- [Crow] Mistakes were
made, brothers were killed.
- [Mike] Shoot, Mom's home!
[upbeat music]
- [Tom] Sure!
- Ricky, get out!
- Dad!
- [Crow] I'm home.
- [Tom] Give me
your posture medal!
[groaning]
- What're you doing?
Ridged!
- [Crow] "Ridged?"
- Leave him alone!
Ridged!
- [Crow] Ribbit?
Frigid?
[bubbling]
- [Tom] You dead yet?
- I don't know!
- [Mike] Cut it out, you booger!
- [Tom] I think they
found the outrage.
- [Crow] This is our pool!
Notice there's no pee in it!
[electric guitar music]
- [Tom] Soundtrack
by Yngwie Malmsteen.
- [Mike] For God,
Country and the Queen!
- [Tom As Old Woman]
Boys, not in the house!
- [Crow] This is
about a lot more
than super secret
government clone projects.
- [Mike] Ah, kill and release.
- [Tom] Secret service is
out from having a smoke.
- [Crow] Tonight on "Biography."
[Crow groaning]
- [Mike] He's not done.
The poker didn't come out clean.
- [Tom] Quick, rig
the shag carpeting!
[foreboding music]
- [Crow] Can I have a wet nap?
- [Mike] Dale Evans
wants her shirt back.
- Well,
that's that.
- [Mike] Turned on the gas.
- Whatever the hell
they're called.
- [Crow] Mimi-skirted Grandma.
- It'll soon be over,
I made sure of that.
- [Tom] Oh, and happy
50th anniversary.
- You know, I've been
sitting here thinking
about that young man.
- [Crow] If I was 80 years
younger, I would just.
- If everything they say about
how he was born was true,
sure takes the fun out of it.
- Why, Anna, you salty old lady.
- [Mike] And I mean dehydrated.
- No, but I'm not dead yet.
- [Tom] Soon though, right?
- He will be all
right, won't he?
He has his whole
life in front of him.
- Anna, he will be fine.
- [Tom] Oh boy.
- [Crow] Here we go.
- That nice boy is taking
him back to his girlfriend,
everything's gonna be fine.
Don't worry about it.
You mind if I just
read the sports page?
- [Tom] Hunker down.
- [Crow] Just generic...
[explosion booming]
[screaming]
Forgot about those
cookies, sorry!
[Tom laughing]
- [Mike] Yeah,
Grandma and Grandpa will
be fine on their own.
- [Tom] Brought to you by the
Greater Nursing Home Council.
- [Crow] Never store
your combustibles
with your old people.
[somber music]
- [Mike] Later, a guy
is somewhere in the dark
doing something.
- [Tom] This passes for a
car chase in this movie.
- [Crow] And step and dance
and kickball change, and yes.
♪ Maria
[pleasant music]
- Lena?
- [Tom] Or extra Lena?
- [Mike] I'm not
sure about this.
- [Crow] You know,
this doesn't look like
it's headed towards
a happy ending.
- [Mike] You know, any
ending would make me
happier than I've ever been.
- [Crow] That's true.
- [Tom] She sees a squirrel
and wants to go out.
[ominous music]
- [Mike] When track
coaches go bad.
- [Crow] And they
expect the audience
to feel bad about this, I guess.
- Lena!
- [Tom] Hi!
- [Mike] Oh, remember to duck
when you go under helicopters.
- [Crow] Let me guess, he's
gonna turn out his mouth
and look depressed for a change.
[ominous music]
- Welcome home, Richard.
- [Tom] I'm sorry, Ollie.
- Did you like America?
- [Mike] I liked "A
Horse With No Name,"
but after that...
[dramatic music]
- [Crow] She's
gonna make a perfect
mid-afternoon talk
show host, at least.
[Mike and Tom chuckling]
- [Tom In Creepy Voice] Hi.
- [Announcer] Fellow delegates,
our candidate is
in the press room
and will be joining us shortly.
- [Mike] Wait, he's been killed.
- [Announcer] Your nominee,
the next president
of the United States.
- [All] Biography!
Biography!
- [Crow] Yay!
- [Tom] Hey, it's...
Oh, I thought it was Dale.
Product placement.
Now I'm gonna buy NBC.
- [Walker] Ladies and gentlemen.
- [Mike] Does anyone
have a kidney to spare?
- It is my pleasure
this afternoon...
- [Crow] Ted Turner.
- To introduce to you
the next president
of the United States.
- [Mike] Arrr, me buck-os.
- A man we all know and love.
- [Crow] Senator Gravy Skin.
- The true people's choice.
- [Tom] Gus Hall.
- Presidential nominee,
Senator Jeffery Knight.
- [Mike] Arrrrr.
- [Crow] And his lovely family.
- [Tom] Thank you, thank you.
I was killing my brother
earlier today and, d'oh!
- Thank you, thank
you, George Walker.
- [Mike] Arrrr.
- Ladies and gentlemen
of the press,
let's get right
to the questions.
- [Tom] Who's coming up
this week on "Biography?"
- Miss Grady.
- [Crow] Grady!
- [Grady] Senator Knight,
what will your position be on
the subject of human rights?
- [Jeff] Well, you know, I
talked a great deal about that
during the campaign but
I think it's important
to repeat it now.
As president, my
position will be
that any suppression of
rights or infringement--
- [Mike] Wow.
- [Crow] Mm-hmm.
- [Mike] Get it?!
[Tom giggling]
- As such cannot and
will not be tolerated.
- [Crow] Senator, I'm
Brown from the Sun.
- Senator!
- [Jeff] Yes,
gentleman in the back.
- Bernie, Daily Sun.
- [Tom] I love Bridget.
- Senator could you please
tell us about Clonus.
- [Mike] Arrrr?
- [Crow] Yes, definitely.
Um, Brit Hume, front row.
- [Tom] I can barely
hear my heart beating.
- [Mike] I'm a sad clown.
- [Crow] Boy, that clock
never moves, does it?
[ominous music]
- [Tom] Was that a bad movie
or was I just in the wrong mood?
- [Crow] Oh, we can
leave, all right!
- [Mike] Wait...
Oh.
Oh boy.
Executive producer,
Walter Fiveson,
was a good friend of
Supervising Executive Producer
Ray Dryden.
They grew up together
in a log cabin
with a woman involved in
casting, Susan Arnold.
- [Tom] But all was
not as it seemed.
- [Crow] The arrival
of Associate Producer
Peter R.J. Deyell, proved
both groundbreaking
and heart wrenching for
the young Liverpoolians.
- [Mike] And then
Co-Producer Michael Lee
and Carolyn Haber and Michael
Lee and Paul Berkowitz
and Joe Gianonne
and Robert Cummings
and Michael Lacoe
and some other guys
and Harley Pence.
- [Tom] I'll take it, Mike.
The oddly named,
Timaree McCormick,
young and brilliant
production assistant,
developed an unhealthy
fixation of Joe Blasco,
founder of the Joe
Blasco Makeup School.
- [Crow] I'll take it.
Dwight LaVers, a name known to
millions, yet a dark mystery,
to even his closest friends.
- [Mike] Tomorrow,
the fascinating world
of M.A "Ma" Schreibman who
conquered his blindness
to become one of the most
sought after visual consultants
in the business.
- [Tom] The thin stylings
of Brogan DePard...
Brogan...
Paul Sharp and Ted Keep,
two crisply-named young men,
tonight on "Biography."
- [Crow] Freeze Frame,
the J. Geils Band.
Synonyms in the hearts
of Americans everywhere.
[Mike laughing]
- [Mike] Ah!
Peter Graves, the
underrated, underpaid
and incredibly handsome
host of "Biography,"
tonight on "Biography."
- [Crow] Tonight on "Biography,"
Paulette Breen who turned
down perfectly innocent
sexually advances
from Peter Graves
on the set of the
movie "Clonus,"
who will never work
in this town again.
- [Tom] James Mantell, in
a striking coincidence,
shared a first name with
the hulking, expressionless
pseudo cowboy, James Arness.
James Arness,
as a young boy, James Arness
nurtured a howling bitterness
in the face of the
awesomely superior talent
of his brother, Peter Graves.
Peter Graves' life
and career were marked
by a generosity of spirit
and loving attitude
towards his fell man, which
were altogether missing
in the pitted soul
if James Arness.
Often, James Arness' mother
would remark to friends
that she loved her son, Peter
Graves, so very, very much,
while she hates James
Arness and cursed the day
her womb had been blighted
with such a creature.
James Arness, ugly and stupid.
Tonight on "Biography."
- [Crow] Okay.
- [Mike] That's as
good as it gets.
So, Peter Graves?
- Biography.
- [Mike] Biography.
- Agua!
[rumbling]
[thudding]
[beeping]
[mechanical buzzing]
[chains rattling]
[buzzing]
[clearing throat]
So, what do you think
of my new nose job?
- It's downright
Bruce Jennerian.
- Yes, well I went a little
deeper than I might have
because I feel I can always
add more later if I wanted.
- Mike, Bobo's calling.
- What're you looking at?
- Please, Mike, keep it quiet.
Evil orphan space
children were very fussy
getting down tonight.
I think they're
off their routine.
- Aw, well I've
got just the thing.
I wrote a little night music
inspired by a poem
I've always loved.
The words are, "Sleep,
oh fair one, sleep.
"The night is low and drowsy,
"your dreams are fair and deep.
"On feeble tender wings
rest all Earthly things.
"Sleep, oh gentle lamb,
"till morning mother
sun does bring."
- That's beautiful.
- Okay, Mike.
[exciting marching band music]
[crying]
- You are so dead, Nelson!
It is a John Agar
film festival for you!
[thudding]
[groaning]
[crying]
[somber music]
- Sure.