Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 9, Episode 12 - The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies - full transcript

♪ IN THE NOT
TOO DISTANT FUTURE ♪

♪ SOMEWHERE IN TIME AND SPACE ♪

♪ MIKE NELSON
AND HIS ROBOT PALS ♪

♪ ARE CAUGHT
IN AN ENDLESS CHASE ♪

♪ PURSUED BY A WOMAN
WHOSE NAME IS PEARL ♪

♪ AN EVIL GAL WHO WANTS
TO RULE THE WORLD ♪

♪ SHE THREW A FEW THINGS
IN HER PURSE ♪

♪ AND IN HER ROCKET SHIP
SHE HUNTS HIM ♪

♪ ALL ACROSS THE UNIVERSE ♪

[PEARL] I'LL GET YOU!

♪ I'LL SEND HIM
CHEESY MOVIES ♪

♪ THE WORST I CAN FIND ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ HE'LL HAVE TO SIT
AND WATCH THEM ALL ♪

♪ AND I'LL MONITOR HIS MIND ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ NOW KEEP IN MIND,
MIKE CAN'T CONTROL ♪

♪ WHERE THE MOVIES
BEGIN OR END ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ HE'LL TRY TO KEEP
HIS SANITY ♪

♪ WITH THE HELP
OF HIS ROBOT FRIENDS ♪

♪ ROBOT ROLE CALL ♪

-CAMBOT.
-YOU'RE ON.

-GYPSY.
-OH, MY STARS.

-TOM SERVO.
-CHECK ME OUT.

-CROW!
-I'M DIFFERENT.

♪ IF YOU'RE WONDERING HOW ♪

♪ HE EATS AND BREATHES ♪

- ♪ AND OTHER SCIENCE FACTS ♪
- ♪ LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ JUST REPEAT TO YOURSELF ♪

♪ "IT'S JUST A SHOW ♪

♪ I SHOULD REALLY
JUST RELAX" ♪

♪ FOR MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER
3000 ♪

HI, EVERYONE.
MIKE NELSON HERE

ON THE SATELLITE OF LOVE.

IT'S WALKATHON SEASON,

AND I'M BEING HIT UP BY
TWO COMPETING GROUPS.

GOTTA ADMIRE THEIR ENERGY.

SO, CROW, WHO ARE YOU
DOING IT FOR, AGAIN?

UH, WALKATHON, MIKE.

NO, I KNOW THAT.
WHO'S THE GROUP

THAT YOU'RE RAISING
THE MONEY FOR?

WALKATHON. IT'S AN ACRONYM.

IT STANDS FOR
"WALKERS AT LARGE

"KINETICALLY
ALTRUISTIC THROUGH

HYGIENE OR KNOWLEDGE."

KNOWLEDGE WITH AN "N"?

YEAH, YEAH, WITH A "K,"

IT WOULD BE "WALKATHOK."

WHICH, YOU KNOW,
DOESN'T REALLY WORK.

NO, NO,
YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT THAT.

UH, WHAT ABOUT YOU, SERVO?

WELL, I'M WALKING FOR

"HELPING CHILDREN THROUGH
RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT."

OH, HECTRAD, YEAH, I THINK
I'VE HEARD OF THAT GROUP.

- THAT'S A GOOD GROUP.
- NO, ACTUALLY

"HELPING CHILDREN THROUGH
RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT"

IS THE ACRONYM, MIKE.

IT STANDS FOR "HI, EVERYONE.

LET'S PITCH IN
'ND GET CRACKING

HERE IN LOUISIANA
DOING RIGHT, EH?

NOW THEN, HATEFUL RICH
OVERBEARING UGLY GUYS

HURT ROYALLY
EVERY TIME SOMEONE EATS

A RADISH, CARROT,
HORS D'OEUVRE,

AND NEVER DOES DISHES.

EVENTUALLY, VICTOR EATS LUNCH
OVER PEORIA.

MIT EIN NEUSBURGER TOD."

OKAY, YEAH, AND WHAT
DOES THIS GROUP DO?

WELL, A LOT OF GOOD, MIKE.

AND IF YOU COULD HELP OUT
WITH EVEN A DOLLAR A MILE,

I'D SURE THANK YOU.

AND "HI, EVERYONE.

LET'S PITCH IN
'ND GET CRACKING

HERE IN LOUISIANA
DOING RIGHT, EH?

NOW THEN, HATEFUL RICH
OVERBEARING UGLY GUYS

HURT ROYALLY
EVERY TIME SOMEONE EATS

A RADISH, CARROT,
HORS D'OEUVRE,

AND NEVER DOES DISHES.

EVENTUALLY, VICTOR EATS LUNCH
OVER PEORIA.

MIT EIN NEUSBURGER TOD"

- WOULD THANK YOU AS WELL.
- WELL, I'D LIKE TO DO WHAT I CAN.

- I, UH--
- WELL, IT IS TAX-DEDUCTIBLE, MIKE.

SO YOU WOULD BE GETTING
A GIFT CONFIRMATION

FROM, "HI EVERYONE--"

ALL RIGHT,
I'M GONNA SHOVE OFF, MIKE.

OKAY, I DON'T BLAME YOU.

GOOD LUCK ON THAT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

"...EATS A RADISH,
CARROT, HORS D'OEUVRE,

AND NEVER DOES DISHES."

"EVENTUALLY, VICTOR
EATS LUNCH OVER PEORIA

MIT EIN NEUSBURGER TOD" T-SHIRT

FOR SPONSORING OUR WALKATHON.

OH, WELL, THAT'S--
HEY, AND IT'S A BEEFY T TOO.

- APPRECIATE THAT.
- OF COURSE. IT HELPS TO CREATE

PUBLIC AWARENESS FOR
"HI, EVERYONE, LET'S PITCH IN

'ND GET CRACKING
HERE IN LOUISIANA--"

HEY, HEY, HEY, MIKE.

OUR SENSORS JUST DETECTED
A SPACESHIP LAUNCHED

- FROM THE PLANET'S SURFACE.
- [MIKE GASPS]

- STOP-- OW!
- [KIDS MUTTER]

WELL, NELSON,
I SEE YOU'VE FOUND ME--

- STOP! HITTING.
- OW!

I PACKED UP THESE PRETERNATURAL
LITTLE KIDS WE FOUND

AND NOW I'M TAKING THEM
BACK HOME

TO THEIR OMNIPOTENT
MOMMIES AND DADDIES.

WE GOT HOMESICK.

I'M HUNGRY AGAIN.

JEEZ LOUISE,
DIDN'T I JUST GIVE YOU

A BIG JAR OF GARLIC SALT?

- I FINISHED IT.
- YEAH.

WE FINISHED
OUR COCKTAIL ONIONS TOO.

OH, BUDDY,
GRAB GRANDMA'S PURSE.

LET'S SEE
WHAT WE GOT IN THERE.

GRANDMA! GOODY!

YEAH, THERE'S SOME JALAPENO...

THANKS, GRANDMA!

- GREEN CHERRY.
- THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

HEARTS OF PALM.

- KRAUT JUICE.
- GOODY-GOODY-GOODY!

OYSTERS, THOSE ARE MINE.

AND ARGENTINEAN
CORN BEEF PRODUCT.

OH, SCOOTER'S
GETTING SICK AGAIN!

- SHUT UP, I AM NOT.
- YOU ARE TOO!

COOL, HE'S GONNA HEFT.

THERE'LL BE NO HEFTING

WHILE I'M PILOT
OF THIS VESSEL.

SCOOTER, BE A MAN.

I HAD TOO MANY
UNCLE JOSH'S PORK RINDS.

WELL, FINISH
YOUR ROSE'S LIME JUICE,

- AND YOU CAN HAVE MORE CAPERS.
- OKAY.

OKAY, NELSONIC DEVICE,
LISTEN UP.

I'LL BE OUT OF RANGE SOON.

I'M LEAVING
B.J. AND THE BEAR

IN CHARGE DOWN THERE
ON THE PLANET.

THEY'LL SEND YOU THE MOVIE.

NOW, I'VE PATCHED THROUGH
TO THEIR FREQUENCY.

I DON'T HAVE
A LIVE VISUAL TO FEED,

BUT WE SHOULD HAVE
VOICE CONTACT NOW.

[BOBO ON RADIO]
HELLO, MIKE? MIKE, HELLO?

HELLO, MIKE,
CAN YOU HEAR ME?

YES, BOBO,
I CAN HEAR YOU JUST FINE.

MIKE, MIKE?

YES, AND I CAN HEAR YOU TOO.

YOU'RE COMING THROUGH

JUST AS FINE
AND CLEAR AS CAN BE.

UM, THIS IS PROFESSOR BOBO.

SON OF KOKO, CALLING FROM

THE SURFACE OF
THE UNKNOWN PLANET BELOW YOU.

GOOD AFTERNOON.

IT'S A LOVELY DAY
FOR A MOVIE.

A LIGHT BREEZE--
FIVE TO SEVEN KNOTS.

BAROMETER HOLDING
STEADY AT 52.5.

JUST A SUPER, SUPER DAY.

OBSERVER, HOW ARE THINGS
LOOKING FROM YOUR END?

[OBSERVER ON RADIO]
I'M FIVE FEET AWAY,

YOU STUPID PRIMATE.

[BOBO] UH, THANK YOU, OBSERVER.

NOW, MIKE, I'M SUPPOSED
TO SEND YOU THE MOVIE

ENTITLED THE INCREDIBLY
STRANGE CREATURES

WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME
MIXED UP ZOMBIES,

BUT, YOU SEE, I-- I FORGOT HOW.

OH, WELL, THAT'S OKAY, BOBO.

DON'T BOTHER ON OUR ACCOUNT.

YEAH, LET'S SKIP IT.

[OBSERVER] OH, FOR THE LOVE
OF HEIDEGGER,

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT,

YOU ADDLEPATED HOMUNCULUS.

[BOBO] ALL RIGHT,
YOU CREAM-FACED LOON,

I'VE HAD JUST ABOUT
ENOUGH OUT OF YOU.

- [BOBO GRUNTING]
- [OBSERVER] GOOD GOD...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?
WHAT-- THAT'S DISGUSTING--

[BOBO] YOU DON'T KNOW
THE HALF OF IT.

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE
GAME OF CATCH?

[OBSERVER] WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO WITH THAT?

OH, NO, NO,
YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY--

- [BOBO] START RUNNING, CASPER!
- [OBSERVER] OH, NO PLEASE!

I BEG YOU-- OH!

- REMIND ME NEVER TO CROSS BOBO.
- [ALARM BLARING]

WELL, WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!

[SERVO] PASSAIC, NEW JERSEY,

WHERE AMERICA'S DAY BEGINS.

[CROW] WAITER,
THE REVOLVING RESTAURANT'S

GOING TOO FAST!

[MIKE] WELCOME TO
THE GIRL PAVILION.

[SERVO] SEE THE LEG-WATCHING
DEMONSTRATION.

[CROW] SEE THE LATEST
IN STRIPPING TECHNOLOGY.

[MIKE] IT'S FLAPPER RECRUITING.

[SERVO] MY BEAT-- KISSING BOOTH.

[MIKE] MADAM ESTRELLA?

[CROW] GARTH HUDSON'S PLAYING
BEHIND THE CURTAIN.

[SERVO] YES, YES, COME,

COME INTO THE VOTING BOOTH.

[SERVO CACKLES]

[CROW] AH, RED BUTTONS.

GIVE ME A LITTLE--

AH, GO AWAY.

[MIKE] OH, AND JOAN COLLINS
IS CHECKED INTO THE BOARDS.

YOU SHOULDN'T
HAVE DONE THAT.

I TOLD YOU TO KEEP
YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF ME.

[CROW] WELL, MERRY CHRISTMAS
ANYWAY, THOUGH.

YOU KNOW, IF IT WASN'T FOR
THAT SISTER OF YOURS, CARMELITA,

I NEVER WOULD
COME AROUND THIS DUMP.

[SERVO] OH, A WISE GUY, EH?

YOU COULDN'T BUY ENOUGH BOOZE
TO MAKE ME GO FOR YOU.

[SERVO] BUT COULD YOU TRY?

[MAN] WHY DON'T YOU TRY
SOME OF THOSE SIDESHOW FREAKS?

YOU DIRTY, FILTHY PIG.

- [ALL THREE LAUGH]
- SO I BELONG WITH THE FREAKS, HUH?

I'LL FIX YOU SO EVEN
THE FREAKS WILL NOT LOOK AT YOU.

ORTEGA!

[CROW] AH, 12-DAY-OLD SCOTCH.

ORTEGA!

[CROW] YES, MADAM?

TAKE HIM AND MAKE HIM LIKE
MY OTHER LITTLE PETS.

[SERVO] SO PUT HIM ON
A HAMSTER WHEEL?

WOW.

[ORTEGA GROWLS]

[CROW] HEY, THIS IS ONLY 80 PROOF!

[SERVO] ORTEGA TACO SHELLS

ARE MADE FROM PEOPLE!

[MIKE] FORCED SHIATSU.

[MIKE LAUGHS]

[SERVO] MM, SKULL JUICE!

[CROW] ELIZABETH TAYLOR'S POISON.

[MIKE] IT'S FLAVORITE VITRIOL.

[ESTRELLA LAUGHS] YOU PIG!

I MAKE YOU LIKE...

[SERVO] OH, WE'D BETTER
CONSERVE, MA'AM.

YOU'RE GONNA BE SCORNED
BY OTHER SALESMEN.

[CROW] THE LESSON? HAVE SEX WITH
A FORTUNE-TELLING GYPSY

IF SHE DEMANDS IT.

[ESTRELLA CACKLES]

[MIKE] OH BOY, THE SIZE
OF THE WORD "PRESENTS"

MAKES ME THINK THEY'RE
A LITTLE SHEEPISH ABOUT IT.

[SERVO] THE TITLE ACTUALLY
HAS APPENDICES.

[CROW] YOU KNOW,
I SAW THE SEQUEL TO THIS,

T.I.S.C.W.S.L.A.B.M.U.Z. 2.

[MIKE LAUGHS]

[MIKE] THE SHROUD
OF DAVID SCHWIMMER.

[SERVO] NEED A NEW ATLAS?
COME TO ATLAS KING,

WHERE MAPS RULE.
THREE LOCATIONS.

[SERVO] HEY, HOOKER'S A GOOD SON!

DON'T.

[CROW] EH, THE ORGAN
HAS EMPHYSEMA.

[MIKE] THE FACE OF THE RESULT
OF SLASH-AND-BURN SHAVING.

[SERVO] WHOO.

[CROW] WOW, ENTERTAINERS
AND DANCING GIRLS?

IS THERE A BUFFET TOO?

[SERVO] YOU'D TELL ME IF MY FACE
WAS DISINTEGRATING, RIGHT?

- [MIKE] SURE.
- [CROW] UGH.

[MIKE] IT'S TURNING INTO A BRISKET.

[CROW] IT'S A PORTRAIT
OF BOB DOLE'S INNER CHILD.

[MIKE LAUGHS]

[SERVO] COME HEAR LIBBY QUINN
PLAY THE ORGAN WITH HER FEET.

♪ IF IT SAYS LIBBY'S LIBBY'S LIBBY'S
IN THE CREDITS CREDITS CREDITS ♪

♪ YOU WON'T LIKE IT
LIKE IT LIKE IT ♪

[SERVO LAUGHS]

[CROW] HE'S TURNING INTO A SEED
SCULPTURE FROM THE STATE FAIR.

[MIKE] THE MUSIC'S GONNA BREAK
INTO "CHEST FEVER" ANY MINUTE.

[SERVO HUMS]

[SERVO] WELL, ANY QUESTIONS
SO FAR, ANYONE?

[CROW] I... UH...

[CROW] TOM PETTY IN THE MORNING.

[MIKE] MM-HMM.

[MIKE] OH, RAY DENNIS STECKLER.

THAT EXPLAINS A LOT.

[CROW] IN THE FINE TRADITION
OF ARCH HALL JR.

[CROW] YOU KNOW, SEAWEED MAKES

A PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE
TOUPEE, I THINK.

[CROW] AH, GOOD OLD-FASHIONED
NIGHTMARE FUEL.

[SERVO] ROSS PEROT'S
COMMEDIA DELL'ARTE.

[CROW] HEYWOOD, WISCONSIN'S
DEVIL-WORSHIPPING DAYS.

[STATUE LAUGHS]

[SERVO] WELL, I GUESS YOU KIND OF
HAD TO BE THERE, I DON'T KNOW.

[SERVO] CINEMATOGRAPHY
BY ZAPRUDER.

[CROW] WANT TO GO TO CAFE
AND GET COCKTAILS?

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

[MIKE] THAT GUY IN FRONT
HAS A PRIVATE BOX.

[SERVO] WELL, AT LEAST HE SHAVED
UNDER HIS ARMPITS.

[CROW] SHE'S THE MOST
MASCULINE MAN I'VE EVER SEEN.

[SERVO] UH, I'VE GOT
AN ORDER UP, SUSAN.

I REALLY
CAN'T DO THIS RIGHT NOW.

[CROW] DUCT TAPE WORKS WONDERS,
YOU KNOW.

[SERVO] AND HERE, SHE PORTRAYS
AN ICE AUGER.

[SERVO WITH DEEP VOICE] UGH, JEEZ,
STEVE, YOU'RE NOT AS LIGHT

AS YOU USED TO BE.

[CROW] NO ONE'S EVER ATTEMPTED
AN INTERPRETIVE DANCE

OF MEIN KAMPF BEFORE.

[SERVO] WHOA, I SAW THE LITTLE
SIZZLER THERE, HANK.

GET MORE TAPE.

[MIKE] I THINK CORKY ST. CLAIR
CHOREOGRAPHED THIS.

[CROW] YEAH, I THINK THE TEAMSTERS
IN THE AUDIENCE

ARE GETTING
A LITTLE RESTLESS.

[SERVO] MICHAEL FLATLEY'S
LORD OF THE DULL.

[SERVO WITH DEEP VOICE] MAYBE
I SHOULD GROW A MUSTACHE.

[CROW] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
INTRODUCING STOMP!

[SERVO AS LAWRENCE WELK]
THANK YOU, CISSY AND CISSY.

[SERVO WITH DEEP VOICE]
THESE KIDS ARE TERRIFIC.

[MIKE] WOW, THAT'S TESTING
THE TENSILE STRENGTH

OF THE DUCT TAPE.

[SERVO] LET'S SEE HOW FAR SHE FLIES.

[MIKE] ANDREI GROMYKO LOOKS ON.

[ALL] ♪ I THOUGHT YOU ♪

♪ WERE DALE ♪

[CROW] LET'S HEAR IT FOR
HANK AND LARRY!

YAY!

[MIKE] AND NOW, FUNNYMAN
HERMANN GORING.

[SERVO] WOW, MUST BE FREE
CHICKEN WINGS OR SOMETHING.

[MIKE LAUGHS]

[CROW] OH, MAN, THEY'RE ACHING
TONIGHT, LET ME TELL YA.

[SERVO] RENEE RICHARDS
IS WENDY CARLOS

IN GLEN OR GLENDA.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

- WHAT'S WRONG?
- THAT CAT.

GET IT OUT OF HERE!

[SERVO] WHAT? I JUST PUKED UP
MY FANCY FEAST. THAT'S ALL.

ALL RIGHT, BUT DON'T GET
ALL SHOOK UP ABOUT A CAT.

[CROW] WANT PART OF THE
MOUSE-HEAD I HAVE IN MY MOUTH?

I CAN'T STAND 'EM.

EVERY TIME I GET NEAR ONE,
SOMETHING STRANGE HAPPENS TO ME.

[SERVO] LIKE WHEN
I GREW ANTLERS.

[SERVO GULPS]

WHY DON'T YOU
LAY OFF THAT STUFF?

WHY DON'T YOU LAY OFF
THE FATHER ROUTINE?

LOOK, HONEY, I'M JUST
TRYING TO GIVE YOU

A FRIENDLY BIT OF ADVICE.

THOSE MISTAKES
IN YOUR ROUTINE LAST NIGHT

ALMOST COST YOU YOUR JOB.

OKAY.

OKAY, I'LL GIVE IT A TRY.
JUST FOR YOU.

LOOK, I'D RATHER YOU DID THIS
JUST FOR YOURSELF.

[CROW] BILL W., THEATRICAL MANAGER.

MAYBE SO.

MAYBE NOT.

[SERVO] BACKSTAGE
WITH NANA MOUSKOURI.

I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME
WE LEFT, HAROLD.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

[MIKE] AND NOW OVER TO HAROLD
TO SEE WHAT HE THINKS,

AND NOW, HAROLD.

I DON'T KNOW, JERRY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WELL, IF WE'RE LATE,
YOU KNOW

ANGIE'S JUST LIABLE
TO BLOW HER TOP.

YEAH, AND HER MOTHER...

- WOULDN'T LIKE THAT, WOULD SHE?
- HER MOTHER DOESN'T LIKE--

[CROW] HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, THAT'S
THE DIRECTOR, RAY DENNIS STECKLER.

- [SERVO] IT IS.
- ESPECIALLY ME.

WELL, IF YOU GET A JOB
OR SOMETHING,

SHE MIGHT CHANGE HER MIND,
YOU KNOW?

A JOB?

[SERVO] I'M A RESPECTED
NEUROSURGEON.

--DISCRETE ABOUT THAT,
WILL YOU, HAL?

SOMEBODY'S LIABLE
TO HEAR YOU.

WELL, YOU GOTTA DO SOMETHING,
YOU KNOW?

WHY? THE WORLD'S HERE
TO BE ENJOYED.

NOT TO MAKE YOU DEPRESSED.

THAT'S WHAT WORK DOES, HAL.

IT MAKES YOU FEEL DEPRESSED.

[SERVO] GOOFUS AND GALLANT,
THE MOVIE.

--SO INSTEAD OF BEING

IN THAT STATE OF DEPRESSION,

WHY DON'T WE HEAD OUT, OKAY?

[CROW] I SEE A KILLING SPREE
IN THEIR FUTURE.

SWINGIN'.

- [CROW] SWINGIN'?
- [SERVO] THEY LIVE IN A TOOL SHED.

[SERVO] XANADU, STATELY HOME
OF CHARLES WHITMAN.

[CROW] THE STORAGE LOCKERS
OF DR. CALIGARI.

[SERVO] UH, DON'T FORGET,
WE HAVE TO PICK THE KIDS UP.

[MIKE] WE'LL RETURN TO

IN COLD BLOOD
GOES TO CALIFORNIA!

[SERVO] IF YOU LIVED HERE,
YOU'D BE DEPRESSED BY NOW.

- NO--
- [CROW] WEREN'T ANY SPIDERS IN IT.

NO, I'M SORRY, I CAN'T.

[SERVO] I JUST GOT MY NEW
FIBERGLASS HAIR.

NO, I MADE OTHER PLANS
FOR THE DAY.

UH-HUH.

OKAY. BYE-BYE.

[MIKE] LOOK, THEY HAVE A PHOTO
OF MOTHER MAYBELLE CARTER.

WHO WAS THAT?

OH, PHIL.
HE WANTED ME TO GO

TO THE BEACH WITH HIM TODAY.

WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU GO?

UM, I CAN'T.

I HAVE A DATE WITH JERRY.

[CROW] SHE'S A REAL
EARTH-MOTHER TYPE.

I DON'T SEE HOW YOU
CAN PREFER JERRY TO PHIL

WHEN PHILLIP'S
SUCH A NICE BOY.

I LIKE JERRY.
PHIL JUST ISN'T MY TYPE.

YOU'RE FASCINATED BY JERRY
BECAUSE HE'S DIFFERENT.

[SERVO] HE'S PART LIZARD.

HE ISN'T LIKE
ANY OF THE BOYS YOU KNOW.

OH, MOTHER, JERRY'S FUN.
HE'S EXCITING.

WE GO PLACES
NEVER DREAMED OF BEFORE.

YOU'RE RIGHT AT THE AGE

WHEN YOU COULD MAKE
A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

AND YOU THINK
JERRY WOULD BE A MISTAKE.

- YES, I DO.
- [SERVO] SHE'S A Q-TIP.

JERRY HAS NO EDUCATION.

HE'LL NEVER BE ABLE
TO MAKE A LIVING.

- OH, MOTHER.
- IF YOU TRY TO BUILD A LIFE WITH HIM,

YOU'LL BE MISERABLE.

OH, REALLY, MOTHER,
YOU'RE WAY AHEAD OF ME.

I JUST HAVE FUN WITH JERRY,
THAT'S ALL.

[MIKE] AH, NOTHING RUNS
LIKE A BULGARIAN CAR.

[CROW] ED GRIMLEY!

[SERVO] WELL, LET ME TAKE
YOUR LAST-KNOWN PHOTO.

DOES HE ALWAYS HAVE
TO HONK THAT HORN

AND DRIVE LIKE A MANIAC?

ALL THE BOYS DO, MOTHER.

THAT'S THE WAY THEY ARE.

HEY, ARE THINGS THAT BAD?
YOU GOTTA WASH YOUR OWN CAR?

THINGS ARE ROUGH ALL OVER.

YEAH, AND THE WORLD'S
IN A STATE OF DEPRESSION.

- [CROW] AND...?
- ANGIE, PLEASE DON'T GO.

[SERVO] YOUR HAIR
WON'T CLEAR THE DOOR.

BUT I LIKE JERRY SO MUCH.

[SERVO] HE MAKES MY HAIR BIG.

SOMEDAY HE'S GOING
TO MEET A GIRL

THAT IS JUST HIS TYPE.

- AND YOU'LL BE HURT.
- I DON'T THINK SO.

[CROW] I'M SO UPSET
I MIGHT BINGE ON A SALTINE.

HE DIDN'T EVEN
COME TO THE DOOR FOR YOU.

HE WOULDN'T BE JERRY
IF HE DID.

[MIKE] AND THAT'S A GOOD THING?

[SERVO] I'M SECRETLY IN LOVE
WITH JERRY, TOO.

ANGIE-BABY!

[SERVO] I HAD AN ACCIDENT.

[MIKE] I WANNA BE JERRY TOO.

HOW'S COLLEGE?

FINE. YOU SHOULD TRY IT
SOMETIME.

NO THANKS.
THE WORLD'S MY COLLEGE.

[CROW] HE'S TAKING IT PASS/FAIL.

LET'S GO.
SEE YOU LATER, MADISON.

[SERVO] I'D GO WITH, BUT I HAVE
TO GIVE MOTHER HER SPONGE BATH.

[MIKE] OH, MOM'S GOING RUNNING.

[CROW] WELL, LET'S HURRY.
WE'VE GOT CORPSES TO PICK UP.

[SERVO HUMS TO RADIO]

[MIKE AS ED GRIMLEY] I'M STANDING
NEXT TO ETHEL KENNEDY, I MUST SAY.

[CROW] WE ARE JOY-RIDING.

[SERVO] COME ON, WORLD,
PULL MY FINGER!

[SERVO] THE SKY!

[SERVO HUMS]

[CROW] AH, THOSE REBELS.

WHY, THEY'RE GONNA PARK
IN A 90-MINUTE ZONE

AND AT A SLIGHT ANGLE.

[SERVO] CLIMB
THE TERRIFYING GAZEBO.

[MIKE] WOW, JERRY,
YOU REALLY KNOW

HOW TO TAKE ME PLACES
I'VE NEVER BEEN BEFORE.

[SERVO WITH ASIAN ACCENT] UM, YOU
SHOULD KNOW THAT I AM FOREIGN.

[CROW] TAKE A RIGHT,
GOOD, THANKS.

[SERVO] SO, CAN FOREIGN PEOPLE GO
TO THIS PLACE? HMM? I'M FOREIGN.

[MONKEY] GET YOUR TICKETS HERE!
GET YOUR TICKETS--

- GET YOUR TICKETS--
- [SERVO] AYE-YI-YI-YI.

[CROW] DID YOU GUYS JUST SEE THAT?

- [SERVO] I DON'T KNOW.
- [CROW] OR DID I IMAGINE IT?

I DON'T...

[MIKE] APPARENTLY, THOSE PEOPLE
DON'T KNOW HOW TO...

[SERVO] GET THEIR TICKETS HERE!
GET THEIR TICKETS HERE!

[CROW] AND HE MISSES THE OCEAN.

[SERVO] COME ON, LET'S GET AWAY
FROM MY WEIRD FOREIGN FRIEND.

[MIKE] OH, DEAR,
HE SHOULD NOT FROLIC.

[MAN] HEY, HAROLD,
LET'S GO, COME ON!

[SERVO] I FOUND SOME
REALLY GOOD MEDICAL WASTE!

[CROW] WHOA, WRONG TURN. I THINK
THEY'RE IN THE GOBI DESERT NOW.

[SERVO] WHEE!

[SERVO] I THREW UP IN YOUR HAIR,
I'M SORRY.

[CROW MIMICS
FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[MIMICS AGAIN]

[SERVO] RIDE THE WRECKING BALL,
I GUESS.

[CROW] OUTTAKES FROM
THE MANSON FAMILY CHRISTMAS.

[SERVO] NEAT.

- [HAROLD GROANS]
- [SERVO] HIS WILDEBEEST IMPRESSION

GETS 'EM EVERY TIME.

[CROW] HE'S NOT A NATURAL
POLE-DANCER, IS HE?

[MIKE] WOW, THIS
QUARTER-SQUARE-MILE

HAS UNBELIEVABLY
GOOD LIGHT-RAIL TRANSIT.

[CROW] OUR MAIN CHARACTER,
THE ROLLER COASTER.

[SERVO] IT'S THE STORY
OF A ROLLER COASTER

AND ITS LOVE FOR
THE WILD MOUSE.

[SERVO WITH DEEP VOICE]
I THINK THIS ROLLER COASTER

CAN HOLD OUT
FOR ONE MORE RIDE.

[CROW] IF SIX FLAGS OVER TEXAS
HAD DESIGNED THE "L."

[SERVO] FILMED IN NAUSEA-VISION.

[CROW] NOW, WASN'T THERE
AT ONE POINT

A FORTUNE-TELLER WHO KILLED

A DOUGHY MIDDLE-MANAGER GUY

OR AM I THINKING
OF ANOTHER MOVIE?

[SERVO] NO.

[SERVO WITH COUNTRY ACCENT]
OH, HI, RERIDE.

[SERVO] I DRINK,
BUT I DON'T INHALE.

MY FIRST NIGHT ON THE FLOOR
WAS A REAL SPECTACLE,

AND THAT'S THE LAST TIME
I'LL DRINK BEFORE A PERFORMANCE.

[SERVO] I CAN'T STAND HIS ACT.

THE MANAGER WANTED TO FIRE ME,
BUT HE'S A FRIEND OF MINE,

SO HE WOULDN'T FIRE ME.

I TALKED HIM OUT OF IT.

BUT MY WIFE DID SAY--

OH, SHE'S REALLY SOMETHING.

IF I DIDN'T STOP DRINKING,
SHE WAS GONNA LEAVE ME.

[CROW] AH, THE THIRD
GUMBEL BROTHER.

BOY, I'M SURE GONNA MISS HER.

[SERVO] BRING OUT THE NAZIS!

BUT-- BUT YOU KNOW,
WITH MY WIFE,

THERE ARE TWO SIDES
TO EVERY ARGUMENT.

[MIKE] WAIT, I THOUGHT SHE LEFT.

MY WIFE'S AND HER MOTHER'S.

[CROW] SO DID THE MOTHER STAY
WHEN THE WIFE LEFT?

BUT THEY'RE REALLY WONDERFUL.

MS. MARGE NEILSON
AND MR. BILL WARD.

LET'S HAVE A BIG
ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR THEM.

[MIKE] GEORGE C. SCOTT
AS GEORGE M. COHAN.

[SERVO] GUESS THE GENDERS
AND WIN A FREE COCKTAIL.

[CROW LAUGHS]

[CROW] TRANSVESTITE CAM!

[SERVO] PLEASE, THE FUHRER
IS OUT THERE TONIGHT!

- [SERVO] YOU'RE NOT FUNNY.
- [CROW] YOU'RE NOT A WOMAN!

[SERVO] KITTEN?

[SERVO, GERMAN ACCENT] ZIS IS NOT
ZE PRECISION DANCING I'M USED TO!

[SERVO] WHOA...OH...

WHOA.

[MIKE HUMS WITH MUSIC]

[SERVO] I'M CONCERNED.

[MIKE] LET'S WRAP IT UP.
WE'RE BOMBING.

[CROW] WHEN IS THIS SONG
GONNA START?

[SERVO LAUGHS]

[SERVO] WELL, THEY'RE
LESS BAD TONIGHT.

[CROW] THE BATUSI!

[SERVO] YOU AND
YOUR STUPID OVARIES.

- [WOMAN] AAH!
- [MIKE] OW. OWIE.

[MIKE] NEXT UP, SAM HARRIS.

[CROW] THE WRESTLING TEAM
OF LUNT AND FONTANNE.

[SERVO] OH, WORK YOUR MAGIC,
BOONE'S FARM.

HEY, MARGE,
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE,
WILL YOU?

OKAY, OKAY.

[CROW] OH, HE'S GOTTA BE GAY.
HE'S SHOWING CONCERN.

MARGE, I WARNED YOU LAST NIGHT
TO LAY OFF THAT STUFF.

I KNOW, I'M SORRY.

I CAN'T RUN A NIGHT CLUB
WITH A DRUNKEN STAR.

NOW, YOU TAKE
THE NEXT SHOW OFF.

AND IF YOU'RE
NOT BACK IN TIME

FOR THE THIRD SHOW
AND SOBER, YOU'RE FIRED.

[MIKE] I'LL PUT ON YOUR FISHNETS

AND DANCE WITH HEINZ MYSELF.

[CROW] I'D BETTER WAX
MY JOCK STRAP AREA.

[CROW] MAGAZINE ABOUT
THE JETSON'S DOG.

[MIKE SIGHS]

[MIKE] PLEASE LET US OFF.

WE'VE BEEN ON THIS
SINCE 9:30 THIS MORNING.

[CROW] EARLY SPACE LAUNCHES.

[SERVO] IN THE FUTURE, WE WILL ALL
COMMUTE TO WORK THIS WAY.

[MIKE] THIS IS A HIJACK. WE'RE TAKING
THIS ROLLER COASTER TO CUBA.

[ALL GROAN]

[SERVO]
♪ GO CYCLON RACER, GO! ♪

[ALL GROAN AGAIN]

[CROW] WORLD'S GREATEST RIDE

WITHIN A FAIRLY
NARROW UNIVERSE.

[MIKE]
SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, CROW,

IS THAT USING SERVO'S HEAD
AS THE CRYSTAL BALL,

YOU CAN TAP INTO
THE INFINITE POWER

OF THE UNIVERSE
AND READ MY AURA,

TELL MY FUTURE-- ALL THIS
FOR ONLY 50 CENTS?

- EXACTLY.
- OH, I'M INTO THAT.

GREAT, GREAT.
WELL, I PROMISE, MIKE,

YOU WILL BE AMAZED.

OKAY, OKAY,
UH, MUSIC, SERVO?

WE GOTTA HAVE
THE RIGHT ATMOSPHERE.

- [SERVO HUMS]
- OKAY.

OKAY. WE'RE TAPPING
INTO YOUR AURA NOW.

LIFT UP YOUR ARMS,
MICHAEL J. NELSON.

CLOSE YOUR EYES.

TAPPING INTO YOUR AURA NOW.

OPEN YOURSELF UP,
LET IT FLOW OUT.

TAPPING INTO YOUR AURA NOW.

TAPPING INTO--

SERVO, GRAB THE MONEY
AND RUN!

- I CAN'T, CROW. IT'S--
- [SERVO] RUN! COME ON!

I CAN'T RUN! YOU SEE--

OH, YOU STUPID SON OF A--

AAH! MIKE, YES,
WE'RE STILL TAPPING...

TAPPING INTO THOSE

MYSTICAL REALMS.

♪ PICTURE ME
UPON YOUR KNEE ♪

SO, ALL THIS...

EVERYTHING HERE FOR,
FOR 50 CENTS?

I KNOW, I'M SORRY.

'CAUSE IF YOU WANT 50 CENTS,
I'LL GIVE YOU 50 CENTS.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT CURTAINS UP.
- PLEASE DON'T, MIKE, NO.

THIS MUST'VE TAKEN HOURS.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

- COME ON, MIKE, DON'T--
- HERE'S THE 50 CENTS RIGHT HERE.

- OKAY.
- TAKE IT-- WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

HEY, CROW, WE GOT THE MONEY!

- WHOO-HOO!
- [SERVO] ALL RIGHT! SCORE, MAN!

[SERVO] RIDE THE GIANT
MILKWEED POD.

[CARNIVAL BARKER]
HERE YOU ARE, FOLKS.

THE BIGGEST BARGAIN
TO HIT THE MIDWAY.

THEY'LL THRILL YOU!
THEY'LL CHILL YOU!

YOU'LL EVEN ASK FOR MORE.

20 BEAUTIFUL GIRLS.

SUPPLE AS A SERPENT.

TWISTING, WRITHING
AND WINDING.

[MIKE] WOW. SO, GIRLS.

--EVER TO HIT THE MIDWAY.

[BARKER]
THE GARDEN OF EDEN, FOLKS.

AND NONE OF THE TREES
HAVE LEAVES.

ADAM AND EVE
NEVER HAD IT SO GOOD.

[SERVO] CHILDREN OF ALL AGES
WILL ENJOY OUR EXOTIC DANCERS.

[MIKE] HOLLY GOLIGHTLY GOES
TO THE STATE FAIR.

[SERVO] THE CRIPS, THE BLOODS,
AND MIKE.

[CROW] HEY, I HAVE ONE OF THOSE.

--AFTER THE SHOW,
WE RAFFLE OFF ONE OF THE GIRLS.

YOU MAY BE THE LUCKY--

[SERVO IN FEMININE VOICE] I'LL DO IT.
I'LL GET MY NAILS DONE.

[SERVO] ANSWER UNCLEAR.
COME BACK LATER.

[MIKE] WELCOME TO PURPLE CURTAIN
WAREHOUSE.

[CROW] HELLO, POLONIUS,
ARE YOU THERE?

HELLO?

[SERVO GASPS]

WELCOME, MY DEAR.

- WON'T YOU SIT DOWN?
- THANK YOU.

[SERVO IN FEMININE VOICE]
DO YOU MIND IF I SIT DOWN FIRST?

[MIKE] WE TAKE VISA, MASTERCARD,
AND DEAD RATS.

YOU WISH TO HAVE
YOUR FORTUNE TOLD?

[SERVO] NO, I WANT MY OIL CHANGED--

OF COURSE I WANT
MY FORTUNE TOLD!

IT IS A THING
ONE MUST BE SURE ABOUT.

BUT IT IS A GREAT
RESPONSIBILITY

TO LEARN ONE'S FUTURE.

I'M WILLING
TO TAKE A CHANCE.

FROM THE EXPRESSION
ON YOUR FACE,

IT WOULD SEEM TO ME
THAT YOU ARE, UH,

SEARCHING FOR SOMETHING?

- [CROW] YES, BOOZE.
- I'M NOT SURE WHAT IT IS.

I ONLY KNOW
THAT SOMETHING EVIL

LIES AHEAD FOR ME.

[MIKE] EYDIE BUDGET GOURMET.

ARE YOU AWARE THAT YOUR LIFE
MIGHT BE IN DANGER?

I ONLY KNOW THAT
SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN.

I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT.

THEN WE MUST
CONSULT THE CARDS.

[MIKE] SHE'S SUBLETTING
DR. CARLO LOMBARDI'S PLACE.

THE CARDS WILL TELL US
IF WE ARE IN DANGER.

[CROW] SHE READS
COASTERS, THEN.

WHAT DID YOU SEE?

[MIKE] IS THAT A WAR
OR AN AIR NOZZLE?

I'LL LOOK FOR MYSELF.

[SERVO] YOU WILL BE TWIRLED
BY A THIN GAY NAZI.

THE DEATH CARD, ISN'T IT?

- YES.
- [SERVO] EW, ICKY.

I KNEW IT.

I KNEW IT!

I KNEW IT!

- WAIT!
- [CROW] HEY-HEY!

[CROW] HEY! WE GOT
A DINE AND DASH.

[MIKE] PHIL NIEKRO!

[CROW] D'OH.

- [MONSTER GROWLS]
- [SERVO MIMICS]

[MIKE] SOMEWHERE,
A PURSE HITS A FLOOR.

[SERVO MIMICS
FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[SERVO] HEY!

[CROW] WELL, I GUESS
WE SHOULD EXCHANGE

INSURANCE INFORMATION, HUH?

[SERVO] I AM INTERESTED.

NEVER MIND, FOLKS,
JUST FORGET IT.

JUST ONE OF THE MANY
ATTRACTIONS WE HAVE

- GOING FOR YOU AT ALL TIMES.
- [MIKE] REALLY?

- [SERVO] MANY ATTRACTIONS.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?

WELL, WHATEVER SHE'S RUNNING
FROM, IT MUST BE IN THERE.

[MONSTER GROWLS]

[SERVO] WHO DID THAT?

[CROW] WELL, I'M GONNA SWIPE
ALL HER CLINIQUE.

[SERVO] THIS WILL GO WITH
ORTEGA'S CHANEL OUTFIT.

[MONSTER GROWLS]

[SERVO] OH, SHE'S A MEMBER OF
THE VODKA-OF-THE-MONTH CLUB.

HEY, COME ON.

LET'S GO IN THERE
AND GET SPOOKED, OKAY?

YEAH, JERRY, COME ON--
LET'S GET OUR FORTUNE TOLD.

OH, I CAN FIND A LOT BETTER WAYS
TO SPEND MY MONEY, HUH?

COME ON. COME ON.

- DON'T TELL ME YOU'VE--
- [ALL] EWW.

WELL, I'LL TRY
ANYTHING ONCE.

[SERVO] WOULD YOU LIE FACE-DOWN
ON A PORCUPINE?

[MIKE] NO, THAT'S TERRIBLE.

OOH, IT'S DARK IN HERE.

[SERVO, MUFFLED] LET ME OUT
OF THIS PURSE.

HEY, LOOK, JERRY.
A CRYSTAL BALL.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

SO LET'S HAVE A SEAT, HUH?

[CROW] LET'S TELL EACH OTHER
WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO

BEFORE WE DO IT AND THEN DO IT.

[SERVO] I THINK I'LL START WITH
THE COUNTRY OMELET.

YOU WISH YOUR FORTUNES TOLD?

WHAT DO YOU THINK
WE CAME HERE FOR, TO EAT?

[SERVO WITH E. EUROPEAN ACCENT]
YOU TALK FUNNY, YOU FILTHY PIG.

[SERVO] WELL, YOU ALL DIE
HORRIBLE DEATHS. $10.

I'D LIKE MY FORTUNE READ.

[CROW] AND I'D LIKE
TO SUPERSIZE IT.

COAT MY PALM WITH SILVER.

[MIKE] WOW, HE LOOKS LIKE
NOSFERATU.

OKAY, HOW MUCH?

50 CENTS.

[SERVO] YEP, LET ME GET MY CONDOM
OUT OF THE WAY, HERE.

IT'S A MAGNUM, YOU KNOW?

- THANK YOU.
- GIVE ME YOUR PALM, PLEASE.

[SERVO WITH E. EUROPEAN ACCENT]
YOU HAVE A BIG HOUSE AND--

[SPITS] THERE'S THE SWIMMING POOL!

[MADAM ESTRELLA] MM, YOU ARE VERY
FORTUNATE YOUNG LADY.

YOU ARE GOING
TO BE LUCKY IN LOVE.

I SEE ONLY ONE HUSBAND
FOR YOU.

THESE DAYS,
THAT'S A REMARKABLE THING, HUH?

YOU ARE GOING TO BE RICH,

IF YOU ARE NOT ALREADY, SO...

I SEE THAT YOUR MOTHER

WILL NOT APPROVE OF THE MAN

YOU PICK FOR A HUSBAND.

[CROW] D'UH, THAT'S ME, HONEY.

OKAY, WHEN ARE YOU GONNA
USE THE FISH BOWL?

I USE BOTH THE CRYSTAL

AND THE PALM
FOR MY READINGS.

CRYSTAL SHOWS
THE IMMEDIATE FUTURE.

THE PALM SHOWS THE INDICATION
OF ONE'S ENTIRE LIFE.

[SERVO] IT'S A TWO-PRONGED
FORTUNE ATTACK.

THE USE OF THE CRYSTAL
IS VERY DANGEROUS.

WELL, WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

SOMETIMES THE CRYSTAL
SEES THINGS

THAT IT IS BETTER

WE DO NOT KNOW.

[MIKE] ANYWAY, ABOUT
YOUR FORTUNES.

[CROW] AH, I'M GETTING
A C:\ PROMPT. HOLD ON.

[SERVO] OH, NO, OH, JEEZ,
OH MY GOD!

- [CROW] UH-HUH?
- [MUMBLES FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[CROW] IT WOULDN'T BE JERRY.

[SERVO] HANG ON.

WHAT DO YOU SEE?

I SEE MUCH UNHAPPINESS

FOR YOU IN THE NEAR FUTURE.

SOMEONE WHO IS NEAR TO YOU...

- [SERVO SMOOCHES]
- ...IS GOING TO DIE.

OH, COME ON, NOW.

THE CRYSTAL DOES NOT LIE.

WHAT THE CRYSTAL SEES...

[CROW] THE CRYSTAL GETS.

...IT REVEALS.

[MIKE] AND THE DIRECTOR
DIGS OUT AN EYE BOOGER.

[ESTRELLA] I SEE...

SOMEONE...

- YES...
- [SERVO] YES...

IT IS YOU.

[SERVO] YES, I SEE AN OILY
FORTUNE-TELLER--

- [SERVO] OH, THAT'S ME.
- BY WATER.

[ESTRELLA] NOW...

I SEE A MAN...

I CAN NO LONGER SEE YOU.

[SERVO] UH-HUH. SURE.

- NOW--
- [SERVO] YEAH. SURE. SOUNDS GOOD.

--MOVES...

[CROW] COULD YOU MOVE
THIS ALONG, PLEASE? THANKS.

[ESTRELLA] YOU ARE LYING
ON THE GROUND.

BY WATER.

I CAN NO LONGER
SEE ANYTHING ELSE.

[SERVO] THIS OFFER EXPIRES
IN SIX MONTHS.

FUTURE NOT VALID
IN UTAH OR ALASKA.

WELL, NOW THAT YOU'VE
READ HER FORTUNE,

WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME MINE?

[CROW] IT DOESN'T WORK
ON FERRETS, OKAY?

THERE IS NOTHING
I CAN TELL YOU.

WHY CAN'T YOU READ MINE?

[SERVO] FIRST YOU HAVE
TO HAVE ONE.

THERE ARE SOME
WHO CANNOT BE READ.

THEIR LIFE IS BUT A SHADOW
IN THE CRYSTAL.

[MIKE] UH... DUH...

YOU ARE SUCH A PERSON.

COME ON, NOW.
TELL ME MINE, WILL YA?

I CANNOT TELL YOU
ANYTHING ELSE NOW.

I THINK YOU CLUTTERED UP
HER CRYSTAL BALL.

[MIKE] SHE'S GOT A PET TICK.

CLOUDS AFFECT
ONLY THE CLOUDY.

- [CROW] IT IS CLOUD LAW.
- WHATEVER THE IMAGE.

[SERVO] YOU'VE GOT MAIL.

WHY DON'T YOU COME BACK SOME
OTHER TIME, JERRY, HUH?

SURE. I'LL COME BACK AGAIN.

YOU CAN BET ON THAT.

I WILL CHARGE YOU
ONLY FOR THE YOUNG LADY.

YOU BET YOU WILL.

[CROW] LOOK, YOU WANNA TALK
TO MY SUPERVISOR, SIR?

WHICH IS THE WAY
OUT OF HERE?

- THAT WAY.
- COME ON.

[SERVO] DO YOU HAVE
A FUTURE PUNCH CARD?

DO YOU WANT ONE?

BOY, I DON'T WANNA
GET LOST IN THIS PLACE.

[SERVO] SHE'D BETTER GET READY.
NANCY REAGAN HAS AN APPOINTMENT.

ALL RIGHT, FOLKS,
STEP UP AND SEE OUR SHOW.

WE HAVE GIRLS, GIRLS,
AND GIRLS.

[SERVO] AND A HAMSTER.

COME ON, STEP RIGHT UP HERE
AND SEE OUR SHOW--

OKAY, NOW THAT YOU'VE HAD
YOUR FORTUNE TOLD,

WHAT DO YOU SAY
WE GO OVER THERE AND GO INSIDE,

LOOK AT THE GIRLS?

[CROW] OH, YOU THINK
THEY HAVE GIRLS?

OH, I--
I'D RATHER NOT, JERRY.

WHY DON'T WE GO
TO THE FUNHOUSE INSTEAD?

OH, COME ON, ANGEL.

LET'S-- LET'S JUST STICK AROUND
A LITTLE WHILE, HUH?

YEAH, THAT'S
A GOOD IDEA, ANGIE.

- [SERVO] RENT-A-BALKI.
- ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

JUST FOR A FEW MINUTES.

[ESTRELLA] ORTEGA?

[SERVO] YOU WANNA HIT
A MOVIE TONIGHT?

TELL MY SISTER CARMELITA

THAT THE TIME
HAS COME, YEAH?

[CROW] YES, OF COURSE, MADAM.

[SERVO] SOMEHOW,
THEIR MARRIAGE WORKS.

STELLA, STEP FORWARD AND GIVE
THE FOLKS A LITTLE SAMPLE.

[SERVO] SEE THE DUMPY WOMAN
WITH THE DR. SEUSS HAT ON!

[BARKER] THAT'S ENOUGH FOLKS...

AND HOW ABOUT
A LITTLE FROM YOU?

[CROW] SHOTS RING OUT,
BUT THE PEOPLE OF BOSNIA

BRAVELY GO ON WITH
THEIR PEEP SHOWS.

[SERVO WITH SLURRED VOICE]
YEAH, I'M DRUNK-- SO WHAT?

THAT'S IT. TAKE IT EASY.

- WE HAVE 20 BEAUTIFUL GIRLS.
- [SERVO MIMICS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[BARKER] AND ONLY
10 BEAUTIFUL CUSTOMERS.

[SERVO] THAT FROSTS MY PERM.

AND NOW, FOLKS, I WANNA
GIVE YOU A GLIMPSE OF OUR STAR.

THAT EXOTIC GYPSY DANCER,

CARMELITA!

[SERVO] CARMELITA,
THAT GOOEY CHOCOLATE!

[CROW] CARMELITA, SINGING
THE SONGS OF LEONARD COHEN.

[SERVO LAUGHS]

[MIKE] AUSTRALOPITHECUS.

[SERVO WITH DEEP VOICE]
THE RAT HAD BABIES AGAIN, MA'AM.

[CROW] HE NEEDS SOMETHING
TO GNAW ON.

[MIKE] AWKWARD FOR SOME REASON.

[SERVO] A CAVALCADE OF HEADS

FROM THE EARLY 60'S, I GUESS.

[CROW] EVEN THE NORMALLY-SHARP
ORTEGA SEEMS CONFUSED.

[BARKER] JUST LOOK AT THOSE
DARK, DREAMY EYES.

THOSE LIPS, AND THAT BODY.

WHAT A BODY.

[MIKE] THIS WHOLE MOVIE
HAS AN OILY T-ZONE.

--SEE THAT BODY IN ACTION.

[SERVO] A MOVIE THAT DARES
TO SHOW YOU EVERY PORE.

[BARKER] COME INSIDE AND SEE
THE ONE AND ONLY

WOMAN OF MYSTERY.

[SERVO] SO, GREAT ACT, HUH?

THAT'S HER, FOLKS.
THAT'S JUST A GLIMPSE

OF OUR BIG ATTRACTION.

[CROW] LET'S GO,
MASTERPIECE THEATER IS ON.

[MIKE] PHOEBE CATES,
ON SALE TODAY.

[SERVO] SUDDENLY, A GIANT GIRL SNAPS
HER TETHER AND KILLS A COOLIE!

COME ON, JERRY, LET'S GO.

NO, I-- I THINK I'D LIKE

TO GO INSIDE
AND SEE THE SHOW, ANGEL.

- WELL, I DON'T.
- [SERVO] OOH.

LOOK, I THOUGHT WE AGREED
THAT WHAT I SAY GOES.

[CROW] MOMMY, DADDY,
DON'T FIGHT.

IT'S NOT THAT, JERRY.
IT'S JUST THAT

I DON'T LIKE THE WAY YOU WERE
STARING AT THAT CARMELITA.

- [SERVO] MM.
- COME ON, LET'S GO INSIDE.

- IT'LL BE FUN.
- NO.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN "NO"?

IF YOU GO IN,
YOU GO IN WITHOUT ME.

ARE YOU TRYING TO FORCE ME
TO MAKE A DECISION

BETWEEN YOU
AND THAT GIRLIE SHOW?

IT'S NOT THE SHOW
YOU'RE INTERESTED IN.

IT'S THAT STRIPPER.

[SERVO] SABRINA,
THE OCTOGENARIAN WITCH!

[CAT SCREECHES]

LOOK, I'M GONNA GO IN THERE
WITH OR WITHOUT YOU,

- SO MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
- OKAY, GO WITHOUT ME.

[SERVO] AND THE YOUNG
GLORIA STEINEM STALKS OFF.

[CROW] I STILL CURSE YALTA.

[SERVO] COME ON, HAIR,
LET'S GO HOME.

YOU GONNA LET HER GO?

I DON'T LIKE ANYBODY
TELLING ME WHAT I HAVE TO DO.

[SERVO WITH FEEBLE VOICE]
ONE, PLEASE.

[CROW] A FIELD TRIP
FOR SCOUT TROOP 34.

HAROLD, WHY DON'T YOU
BE A BUDDY

AND TAKE THE CAR AND SEE
THAT SHE GETS HOME OKAY.

- SHE'LL COOL OFF TOMORROW.
- OKAY, JERRY.

THAT SUITS ME FINE.

[SERVO WITH E. EUROPEAN ACCENT]
BECAUSE I AM FOREIGN, YOU KNOW.

- SEE YOU LATER.
- [CROW] MOM'S NOT ON TILL 9:00.

[SERVO] SQUIGGY. JACKIE O.

[MIKE] MORRISSEY.

[SERVO] DAMN CONDOM'S
IN THE WAY AGAIN.

♪♪♪ [DRUMBEAT]

[CROW] ♪ COME ♪

♪ THEY TOLD ME ♪

♪ PA-RUM-PUM-PUM PUM ♪

♪♪♪ [SERVO HUMS]

♪ THE NEWBORN KING ♪

[SERVO] LOOK, CLEANING LADIES
LOVE THIS SHOW.

[CROW] ♪ OUR FINEST GIFTS
WE BRING ♪

♪ PA-RUM-PUM-PUM PUM ♪

[SERVO] OH, FORGOT MY PURSE.

[SERVO] HI!

[CROW] ♪ ALL IS CALM ♪

♪ ALL IS BRIGHT ♪

[SERVO] BETH, YOU'D BETTER NOT
UPSTAGE ME THIS TIME.

[MIKE] YOU KNOW, THE 14-YEAR-OLDS
WHO SNUCK IN WITH FAKE ID'S--

THEY GOTTA BE FEELING PROFOUNDLY
RIPPED OFF AT THIS POINT.

[CROW] YEP.

[SERVO] THE FELIZ NAVIDAD DANCERS.

[MIKE] THE GIRLS HAVE BEEN
REHEARSING ALL WEEK

FOR THIS PART
OF THE PAGEANT.

[SERVO] YES, ALL THE GIRLS GET ALONG
WONDERFULLY THIS YEAR.

[CROW] NOW, WERE THESE
DANCE NUMBERS

SUPPOSED TO BE PROVOCATIVE
OR MERELY BORING?

[MIKE] WELL, PROVOCATIVE
IN THEIR BORINGNESS?

[CROW] AH.

[CROW] THE GIRLS' COSTUMES
WERE DESIGNED

BY LONG-TIME NFL REFEREE

JERRY ARKBREIT.

[ALL]
♪ STILLE NACHT ♪

[MIKE] HAIR-TRIGGER PRECISION.

THEY'RE LIKE THE BLUE ANGELS
OF DANCING.

[SERVO] YEAH, ONE WRONG MOVE,
AND THEY ALL CRASH.

[CROW] THERE'S SOMETHING LAVERNE
AND SHIRLEY-ESQUE ABOUT THIS.

[MIKE] RAY DENNIS STECKLER
MAY HAVE HAD

SOME ISSUES WITH WOMEN.

♪♪♪ [ALL HUM ALONG]

♪ SING HALLELUJAH ♪

[SERVO] RIVERDANCE,
THE STRIP SHOW.

[MIKE] AH, HALF-TIME
AT THE ORANGE BOWL.

NEVER FAILS TO DISAPPOINT.

[SERVO] ARE YOU GOING
TO SUSAN'S WEDDING SHOWER?

[CROW WHISPERS] I'M NOT.

[SERVO] HER ACT DID GO OVER WELL

AT SAN QUENTIN, I UNDERSTAND.

[MIKE] YOU KNOW,
THEY'RE ALWAYS GOOD,

BUT TONIGHT? THEY'RE JUST--
MAN, THEY'RE ON FIRE.

[CROW] DEFINITELY.

[CROW] YOU KNOW,
ODDLY ENOUGH, ANDREA DWORKIN

CHOREOGRAPHED THIS.

[SERVO] DOES THAT GAL IN THE MIDDLE
KNOW SHE FORGOT HER DRESS?

[MIKE] YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M LOOKING AT RIGHT NOW?

- [CROW] WHAT?
- [MIKE] THAT EXIT SIGN.

[CROW] OH, YEAH.

[CROW] THAT BEBE NEUWIRTH,
SHE IS SO MULTI-TALENTED.

[MIKE] SO, HOW IS THIS A TRIBUTE
TO MADELINE ALBRIGHT?

♪♪♪ [SERVO HUMS]

[SERVO] WITHOUT THIS,
THERE COULD'VE BEEN NO PRINCE.

[MIKE LAUGHS]

[ALL] EGOISTE!

[MIKE] SAVES HER WASHER-WOMAN
PAY TO GO TO STRIP SHOWS.

HEY, STELLA?

[CROW] 23 SKIDOO.

UH, HOW ABOUT A DATE
TOMORROW NIGHT?

OKAY, SHOULD BE FUN.

HOW DOES 7:00 SOUND?

GREAT-- WHERE ARE WE GOING?

[MIKE] FATBURGER, AS USUAL.

OH, I THOUGHT WE COULD SPEND
A QUIET LITTLE EVENING

AT YOUR PLACE.

I COULD BRING UP
A COUPLE OF STEAKS

AND YOU COULD BROIL 'EM.

THAT'S YOUR IDEA
OF A BIG EVENING?

I SHOULD SLAVE OVER A HOT STOVE
COOKING DINNER FOR YOU?

WHY NOT?

[CROW] MM, HE'S GOT A POINT.

WHO'S GOING TO WASH
THE DISHES?

OH, UH,
I'LL WASH THE DISHES.

[MIKE] WITH MY HAT. HEH.

[SERVO] HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW MANY
DISHES I HAVE STACKED UP,

THE POOR DOPE.

♪ IT'S ONLY YOU... ♪

[CROW] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
LESLEY BORE.

♪ WHEN I KISS ♪

[MIKE] SHE'D BETTER BE NUDE.

♪ KISS SOMEONE NEW ♪

[SERVO] OH, SHE'S THE ZOMBIE
OF THE TITLE.

- I GOT IT.
- [MIKE] OH, OKAY.

♪ THAT NOT YOU ♪

[CROW] THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST
POPULAR ACTS AT THE APOLLO.

[MIKE] SHE'S SINGING INTO
A LADY REMINGTON.

♪ IT HURTS ♪

[CROW] OW, IT SURE DOES.

♪ BREATHING FOR ♪

[SERVO] ONE OF THE MOMMIES
IN THE ROSE.

♪ BECAUSE I KNOW ♪

[MIKE] ♪ SKIDDILY-OPP DOO ♪

♪ BOO-POW-WOW-WOW OOH ♪

♪ IT'S NOT YOU ♪

[SERVO] ♪ IT'S THE GUY NEXT TO YOU ♪

♪ I WAS PRETENDING ♪

[SERVO SCATS]

♪ THAT I ENVY ♪

[MIKE] THIS IS THE SHOW
WHERE THE HELL'S ANGELS

BEAT UP A LOT OF PEOPLE.

♪ WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS ♪

[CROW] SHE'S TAPPED INTO
THE REBELLIOUS SPIRIT

OF DATA ENTRY PEOPLE
EVERYWHERE.

♪ TO HIDE ♪

♪ THE TEARS I KNEW ♪

[MIKE SNORTS]

[MIKE] IT'S A MOBIUS STRIP
OF MUSIC.

IT LEADS NOWHERE
AND COMES FROM NOWHERE.

♪ OH, IT'S ONLY ♪

[SERVO] THE SONG STYLINGS
OF HELEN CRUMP.

[MIKE] SO RAY DENNIS STECKLER

JUST FILMED
AN OPEN STAGE NIGHT

AND MADE IT HALF HIS MOVIE.

- [CROW] APPARENTLY.
- [SERVO] COME ON, STRIP!

[CROW] TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES!

- [MIKE] TAKE OFF YOUR HAIR!
- [SERVO] WHOO!

[MIKE] THE ONLY REASON
SHE GOT THIS GIG IS 'CAUSE

SHE'S SHACKING UP
WITH LAWRENCE WELK.

♪ NOT YOU ♪

[CROW] MAN, SHE COULD USE
A COUPLE OF SUPREMES

OR A PIP OR SOMETHING.

[MIKE LAUGHS]

♪ IT HURTS ♪

[SERVO]
♪ TO STAPLE YOUR EYEBALLS ♪

[MIKE] CINDY "ROOM-CLEARER" LARSEN.

[CROW] AH, SHE HAS
A GOD-GIVEN TALENT

FOR MAKING TUNA CASSEROLE.

[SERVO BARKS, HOWLS]

[ALL BARK, HOWL]

[CROW] I DEDICATE THIS SONG
TO SYLVIA PLATH.

- [SERVO HOWLING]
- [AUDIENCE IN FILM APPLAUDING]

- YOU LOOK GREAT.
- OH, NO, YOU LOOK GREAT.

- YOU LOOK GREAT.
- OH, HEY, GUYS.

NICE HAIR, STYLIN'.

- THANKS. YOU REALLY THINK SO, MIKE?
- YEAH, THANKS.

THE NANITES DID IT.
HEY, MIKE,

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU UPDATED YOUR LOOK, HUH?

ME? WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

I HAVE A PRETTY BASIC LOOK.

- I-- 1985, I GUESS?
- WOW.

SO, 500-AND-SOME-ODD YEARS?

MIKE, IT IS TIME FOR A CHANGE.

YEAH, YEAH,
LET'S LOOK YOU OVER HERE.

YEAH, YOU'RE AGING.
YOU'RE PASTY AND PINK.

YOU-- YOU PROBABLY
WANNA DRAW THE EYE

AWAY FROM YOUR FACE.

GO AHEAD, MIKE,
CONTACT THE NANITES.

- ASK FOR SHELLI.
- REALLY, YOU THINK I SH--

WELL, WHAT THE HECK?
WHY NOT? LET'S DO IT.

HELLO, NANITES? SAY,

I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD
GET IN TO SEE SHELLI TODAY?

OKAY, LET ME CHECK.

UM... SHELLI
CAN'T SEE YOU UNTIL...

NOW. HOPE THAT'S OKAY.

SHELLI?

[SHELLI HUMS]

HI, MIKE. I'M SHELLI.

HOW'RE YOU DOING TODAY?
GREAT.

LET'S JUST TAKE A LOOK HERE.

HAS YOUR HEAD ALWAYS
BEEN THIS BIG, OR...?

SO YOU HAD THE DAY OFF
TODAY OR...?

SO YOU WORK
AROUND HERE OR...?

OH, SOUNDS FUN.
LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE TAKING CARE

OF WHAT'S LEFT
OF YOUR HAIR, GREAT.

THERE YOU GO, MARK.

DO YOU NEED
SOME PRODUCT OR...?

MAYBE SOME COCONUT ALGAE

DIJONNAISE LEAVE
AND CONDITIONER?

NO, NO, NO THANKS, SHELLI.

I DON'T THINK SO.

WOW, MIKE, IT'S GREAT.

I MEAN, IT REALLY
MAKES A DIFFERENCE.

YEAH, MAKES YOU LOOK TALLER.

YEAH, YOU THINK SO?
BECAUSE-- I DON'T KNOW.

IT JUST SEEMS KIND OF HIGH.

CAMBOT, CAN YOU GIVE ME
ROCKET NUMBER NINE?

[MIKE] I DON'T KNOW, YOU GUYS.

I DON'T KNOW.

SO, WHAT'S THE MATTER, MIKE?

ISN'T IT GOOD IN THE BACK?

NO, NO, THE BACK IS FINE.

I-- IT JUST SEEMS
KIND OF HIGH, THAT'S ALL.

- [METAL SCRAPES]
- WHOA!

UH, BETTER GIVE ME
ROCKET NUMBER NINE AGAIN.

[SERVO] UH-OH, MIKE, LOOKS LIKE YOU
GOT A COMMUNICATIONS SATELLITE

STUCK IN YOUR NEW HAIRSTYLE.

[MIKE] OH, NO-- I MEAN,

DOESN'T THIS SEEM
JUST A TOUCH HIGH?

OH, IT ALWAYS TAKES TIME
TO GET USED TO A NEW STYLE, MIKE.

- [ALARM BLARING]
- MAYBE THAT'S-- OH!

- [SERVO] WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!
- [MIKE] OW-OW-OW!

[CROW] I THINK YOU TOOK OFF
TOO MUCH, MIKE.

STILL SEEMS HIGH.

[MALE EMCEE]
...GYPSY DANCER CARMELITA!

[SERVO] PAGING MR. HERMAN.
PAGING MR. PEE-WEE HERMAN.

[CROW] JOEL GREY,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

[SERVO] ISN'T THAT THE GUY
DANNY BONADUCE BEAT UP?

♪ DO THE THINGS
I'M DREAMING OF ♪

[MIKE] WATCH AS
SHE WALKS AROUND.

[CROW] YOU KNOW, NOAM CHOMSKY

SHOULD START PICKING
BETTER WARM-UP ACTS.

[SERVO] UNCLE STRIPPER WANTS YOU.

♪ FOLLOW ME ♪

[MIKE] DOES THE GUY ON THE RIGHT
HAVE MOUSE-EARS ON?

[CROW] WELL, LET ME HEAD
OVER HERE NOW.

♪♪♪ [SONG CONTINUES]

[MIKE] WELL, I'M UP NEXT.
BETTER GET MY G-STRING ON.

[CROW] YOU TOOK
TOO MUCH OFF, MIKE.

[MIKE] HM. YOU THINK SO?

[SERVO] IT'S DIFFERENT NOW.

[MIKE] HEY-- YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS IS TAPED ON.

- [SERVO] OH, FOR PETE'S SAKE.
- [MIKE] ISN'T EVEN REAL HAIR.

- [MIKE] I GET RIPPED OFF.
- [CROW] BOY, WHO'D'VE THOUGHT?

♪ THERE'S A BOY
FOR EVERY-- ♪

[MIKE] HER SHOULDERS
ARE REAL ITCHY.

[CROW] UH, POOR EMMETT KELLY
DIDN'T AGE WELL, DID HE?

[SERVO] SELLING GIRL
SCOUT COOKIES. INTERESTED?

♪ FOLLOW ME ♪

[MIKE] WILL WORK FOR SALVE?

[SERVO] EW.

[CROW] IT'S A FLYER
FOR ORTEGA'S BAND.

[SERVO] SAY WHAT YOU WANT
ABOUT ORTEGA,

HE HAS NICE PENMANSHIP.

[MIKE] HE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE
A CARMELITA.

[CROW] WATCH AN AVERAGE
HOUSEWIFE GET READY FOR BED!

[SERVO] I REMAIN UNAFFECTED.

[CROW] UH, LET ME HEAD BACK
OVER HERE NOW, YEAH.

[MIKE] SHE HAS THE SENSUALITY
OF TYNE DALY.

[CROWD CHEERS]

[CROW] NOW WHERE'S ALL
THE CHEERING COMING FROM?

[SERVO] WHAT A RIP-OFF!
WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER GLOVE?

[MIKE] AND COOKIES AND PUNCH
IN THE FELLOWSHIP HALL.

[CROW] HE LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THOSE
EASTER ISLAND STATUES.

[MIKE] IT IS SO COOL THAT BEHIND
THAT THICK CURTAIN,

SHE DOESN'T HAVE
ALL THAT MANY CLOTHES ON.

- [CROW] YEAH.
- [SERVO LAUGHS]

[MIKE] ♪ TAKE ME OUT TO THE--
TAKE ME OUT TO THE-- ♪

♪ TAKE ME OUT TO THE--
TAKE ME OUT TO THE-- ♪

[CROW] BALL GAME, MIKE.

[MIKE LAUGHS]

[CROW] THRILL AS HE LOOKS
FOR THE MEN'S ROOM.

- SAY, IS CARMELITA HERE?
- [WOMEN SCREAM]

[SERVO] WE'RE FULLY DRESSED!
WHAT'RE YOU DOING?

[WOMEN CLAMORING]

[MIKE] ♪ TAKE ME OUT TO THE-- ♪

[CROW] I WAS THIS CLOSE TO A GIRL.

[SERVO] THE NERVE! HE SAW ME
IN MY MODEST BUSINESS SUIT.

[MIKE] COULD THERE BE
ANOTHER DOOR SOMEWHERE?

[CROW] RECORDED ON
EDISON'S CYLINDER.

[MIKE] ♪ ME OUT TO THE-- ♪

[MIKE] OH, CARMELITA SHARES A PLACE
WITH JACO PASTORIUS.

- CARMELITA?
- [SERVO] JUMP A LITTLE LIGHTER?

[CARMELITA] I AM HERE.

[CROW] HE HAS
A CAB FORWARD FACE.

[SERVO] WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY
A HAMMOND ORGAN?

THE NOTE SAID
YOU WANTED TO SEE ME.

YES. FOLLOW ME.

[SERVO] WE'RE NOT
HIRING RIGHT NOW.

BUT WE NEED EXTRA HELP
DURING THE HOLIDAYS SOMETIME.

[CROW] A WOMAN INTERESTED IN ME?
THIS IS ODD.

[MIKE] SHE USED TO HAVE
AN AMERICAN FLAG HANGING THERE,

BUT HER MOM GOT MAD.

[SERVO HUMS
JAMES BOND THEME]

[CROW] A LOLLIPOP. THANKS.

[SERVO WITH DEEP VOICE]
DREEZLE DRAZZLE DRAZZLE DRONE.

YOU FEEL YOURSELF
SLIPPING INTO...

[SERVO] IS SHE TALKING
INTO A KAZOO?

[SERVO MIMICS KAZOO]

IT IS AS IF YOU WERE

IN YOUR OWN...

[CROW] OH, I SEE,
IT'S AN INTERVENTION.

[MIKE] YOUR FACE
HURTS US, JERRY,

AND WE CAME TOGETHER
TO TELL YOU.

[SERVO] YOU WILL LOOK LIKE
YOU'RE DOING OPEN STAGE

AT THE IMPROV.

NOTHING WILL WAKE YOU--

[SERVO] UH, MA'AM,
THAT POISON SHIPMENT CAME IN.

- I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WANNA...
- YOU WILL HEAR ONLY MY VOICE.

[SERVO] I JUST NEED
YOUR SIGNATURE ON IT,

IF YOU COULD BREAK AWAY THERE.

--SEE ONLY THAT

- WHICH I CHOOSE TO SHOW YOU.
- [SERVO] WELL...

I SUPPOSE I COULD JUST
SIGN FOR IT THEN, MA'AM.

OPEN YOUR EYES, JERRY.

LOOK AT THE WHEEL.

[CROW] A DIMENSION
NOT OF SIGHT OR SOUND,

- BUT OF CRAP.
- [ESTRELLA] LOOK AT THE BEAUTIFUL

SPINNING WHEEL.

[SERVO] BEAUTIFUL STEAMED WEEDS?

- [MIKE] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.
- SEE HOW IT SPINS?

[CROW] I THINK LIZ TAYLOR'S SURGERY
HAS MADE HER EVIL.

SEE HOW THE LIGHT
TRAVELS FROM THE WHEEL?

[MIKE] YOU KNOW,
THAT IS NEAT, ISN'T IT?

[ESTRELLA] THROUGH THE CENTER?

- [MIKE] IT'S COOL.
- [ESTRELLA] THE EDGES...

AND BACK AGAIN.

[MIKE] EVA GABOR READS
ALLEN GINSBERG.

[ESTRELLA] IT IS A DEEP

SPINNING HOLE.

[CROW MURMURS]

[ESTRELLA] YOU FEEL YOURSELF

FALLING...

[MIKE] HE WON'T SLEEP IF YOU KEEP
HITTING THE STEADICAM

AGAINST HIS HEAD.

DEEPER...

[CROW] WIGS BY ABBY HOFFMAN
OF HOLLYWOOD.

DEEPER...

DEEPER INTO
THE SPINNING HOLE.

[SERVO] I THINK WHAT SHE'S
TRYING TO SAY IS SLEEP!

YOU WILL HEAR MY COMMAND.

[CROW] ALL RIGHT, ALREADY, LADY,

YOU'VE HYPNOTIZED
THE HELL OUT OF HIM!

[MIKE] WOW, HE'S A LOUD SMOKER.

[SERVO] MM, GOOD
BRAINWASHING TODAY.

[INAUDIBLE]

[CROW] IS THERE A FREIGHT TRAIN
GOING BY? WHAT?

[MIKE] PAY NO ATTENTION
TO THE WOMAN BEHIND THE MOLE.

[SERVO] YOU WILL BE NICOLAS CAGE.

[CROW] SOUNDTRACK BY
THE EDGAR WINTER GROUP.

YOU WILL DO ONLY THAT WHICH...

[MIKE] OKAY! I THINK WE HAVE IT.

...I HAVE COMMANDED YOU TO DO.

[MIKE] BOB DYLAN MAKES
AN UNSCHEDULED APPEARANCE.

[CROW MIMICS DYLAN]

[CROW] HEY, UH, RAY,
WHICH WAY IS UP

ON THIS DAMN CAMERA?

WHICH WAY IS UP-- I CAN'T...

[SERVO] YES, MAY I HELP YOU?

[SERVO GURGLES, RETCHES]

[MIKE] OH, BOY.

I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS
FOR A LIVING, YOU KNOW.

[CROW] I'M THE EMIR OF KUWAIT.

MY FATHER AND MOTHER HAVE
AN IRON AND STEEL COMPANY.

- [MAN LAUGHS]
- [SERVO] THEY'RE PRE-LAUGHING.

HAVE YOU HEARD IT BEFORE?

MY MOTHER IRONS
AND MY FATHER STEALS.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

[SERVO] I DON'T GET IT,
BUT THE KIDS SEEM TO LOVE HIM.

AND NOW THE HUNGRY MOUTH

TAKES GREAT PRIDE
AND PLEASURE INTRODUCING

A YOUNG NEW SINGER.

LET'S HAVE A BIG HAND
FOR MR. DON SNIPE.

[MIKE] DON SNIPE--
THAT'S HIS STAGE NAME.

HIS REAL NAME
IS DAN SWANSON.

[CROW] YEAH.

[SERVO] HE'S STILL TUNING UP.
HE'S NOT EVEN READY.

♪ HOW DO I STAND ♪

♪ WITH YOUR HEART ♪

[CROW] AND J.P. MORGAN
GIVES HIM THE GONG.

♪ TELL ME PLEASE ♪

♪ SO I CAN KNOW ♪

[MIKE] THE NEXT LIVINGSTON TAYLOR.

♪ I'M WALKING BLIND
THROUGH-- ♪

- ♪ THIS WONDERLAND ♪
- [SERVO] HE LATER FOUNDED

RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE.

♪ JUST BECAUSE ♪

♪ I LOVE YOU SO... ♪

[CROW] ♪ LIVING ON REDS ♪

♪ VITAMIN C AND COCAINE ♪

[MIKE] HE SINGLE-HANDEDLY KILLED

THE FOLK REVIVAL.

[SERVO] ♪ EMANCIPATE YOURSELF ♪

♪ FROM MENTAL SLAVERY ♪

[CROW WITH SMOKY VOICE] AH, IT'S
BEAUTIFUL. IT'S DAMN BEAUTIFUL

IS WHAT IT IS. BEAUTIFUL.

♪ TENDER KISS ♪

[MIKE] BENAZIR BHUTTO
SITS IN ON TRIANGLE.

♪ DARLING ♪

[SERVO] ♪ LONDON CALLING ♪

♪ YES I WAS THERE TOO ♪

♪ IF YOU ♪

♪ LOVE ME ♪

[CROW] ♪ I REALLY LOVE
YOUR PEACHES ♪

♪ WANNA SHAKE YOUR TREE ♪

- [MIKE] WHOO.
- [SERVO] I MISS LIQUOR.

WHAT'S WRONG, MARGE?

THAT FIGHT YOU HAD
WITH THE MANAGER

STILL GETTING YOU DOWN?

[SERVO] HARASSED BY CREDITORS?

IT'S NOT THAT.

IT'S SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED
ON THE MIDWAY TONIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

[CROW] ♪ MY ANACONDA
DON'T WANT NONE ♪

♪ 'LESS YOU GOT BUNS, HON ♪

[MIKE LAUGHS]

WE'RE ON-- I'LL TELL YOU
AFTER THE SHOW.

♪ I'LL ♪

[MIKE] WHEN HE WAS ON SULLIVAN,
THEY ONLY SHOT HIM

FROM HIS ANKLES DOWN.

♪ WITH YOUR ARMS... ♪

[CROW] ♪ LEGALIZE IT! ♪

[SERVO] I'VE BEEN ASKED TO EXPLAIN
THE IRON AND STEEL JOKE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

AND NOW WE TAKE PRIDE
IN PRESENTING

OUR MAIN ATTRACTION,
THE VERY TALENTED MS.--

- [CROW] JANE PITTMAN.
- MARGE NEILSON

AND MR. BILL WARD. LET'S HAVE A BIG
ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR THEM.

[SERVO] HI-YA!

[MIKE] MAN, SHE'S BAD.

[CROW] I'M A BIG PUSSY-CAT!
LOOK AT ME.

[MIKE] TAB HUNTER
AND YVONNE DE CARLO.

[SERVO] HEY, I FOUND A DIME.

[MIKE] ME?

[SERVO AND CROW]
SIEG HEIL.

SIEG HEIL.

SIEG HEIL.

[SERVO] YOU WEIGH ABOUT THE SAME
AS ALBERT SPEER.

[MIKE] UH-OH, DANCE CRITIC.

[MARGE SCREAMS]

[SERVO] OW.

[CROW] UM, DID I TELL YOU
ABOUT MY PARENTS'

IRON AND STEEL BUSINESS?
[CROW CHUCKLES]

[SERVO] THE DEATH OF HEIDI FLEISS.

[MIKE GROANS]
NIPPLES TOO SMALL--

TOO DARK AND UPSETTING!

[CROW] AH, MY TEA KETTLE'S READY.

[SERVO] SO'S MY TEA KETTLE!

[MIKE] FRED FLINTSTONE'S
DINOSAUR!

[CROW] MAN, SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD
THOSE GINO'S PIZZA ROLLS

BEFORE BED.

[SERVO] HOT DOGS.
FRESH ROASTED PEANUTS.

[ESTRELLA MURMURS]

[SERVO] MY INCENSE
IS OUT OF CONTROL.

[CROW WITH SMOKY VOICE] UM, UH,
JUST ONE MORE QUESTION, MA'AM.

[SERVO] YOU FILTHY PIG!

- KILL!
- YOU MUST KILL!

KILL!

[SERVO] SHE, YOU GOTTA TELL HER
EVERY DAY THAT YOU LOVE HER.

KILL!

[CROW] YEAH, I THINK WE GET
YOUR POINT. KILL.

[MIKE] MAN, PEE-WEE'S PLAYHOUSE
GOES BAD.

[SERVO] ♪ ZOMBIES ARE IN TOWN ♪

JERRY?

[CROW] COME BACK, LITTLE JERRY.

JERRY?

JERRY?

JERRY! [CACKLES]

[SERVO] WIPEOUT!

[SERVO] MIKE, I THINK
I'M FREAKING OUT.

[MIKE] YOU'LL BE OKAY.

[MIKE] NOW, SEE, THIS IS
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ADMIT

TOO MANY WOMEN
TO THE CITADEL.

JERRY?

[CROW] WHAT DO YOU WANT,
MRS. LADY-PERSON?

JERRY?

COME IN FOR DINNER, HONEY.

OVER HERE, JERRY.

- OVER HERE.
- [CROW] COME HERE.

[MIKE] MAN, THE MISS AMERICA
PAGEANT GOT WEIRD

- DURING THE 60'S.
- [CROW] DEFINITELY.

[SERVO HYPERVENTILATES]

- [MIKE] YOU OKAY?
- [SERVO] I DON'T KNOW.

- [MIKE] REALLY FREAKIN', HUH?
- [SERVO] I DON'T KNOW?

[MIKE] THAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

[SERVO] DID SHE SAY
"I'M NEVER JACK"?

OR AM I FREAKING OUT?

[CROW] OUR STATE FAIR
IS A GREAT STATE FAIR.

[SERVO] MIKE, I MEAN IT, MIKE!
I THINK I'M FREAKING OUT!

- JERRY!
- [SERVO] NO!

[MIKE] SANDI PATTI'S GREATEST
INSPIRATIONAL HITS.

[CROW] AH, THEY'RE RE-CREATING
WOODY ALLEN'S PARKING DREAM.

[SERVO] NO!

[MIKE LAUGHS]

[MIKE] SO, WHERE DO YOU WANT HIM?
OVER HERE? ALL RIGHT.

[CROW] THAT'S A REALLY ELABORATE
TRUST EXERCISE.

[SERVO GROANS]

[MIKE] AH-HAH! I CAUGHT YOU--

HEY-- HEY, WHERE'D YOU GO?

[CROW] JOANNE AKALAITIS
DIRECTS THE ODD COUPLE!

[SERVO GROANS]

[SERVO YELLS]

[CROW] EASY, FELLA.

[SERVO SOBS]

[CROW MIMICS CLUCKING CHICKEN]

[MIKE] SO DAVE'S NOT HERE, OR...

OKAY.

[CROW] HEY, BOBO.

[MIKE] STARRING JULIETTE PROWSE.

[CROW] YES, I APPROVE.

- [MIKE] VERY GOOD, SIR.
- [SERVO WHIMPERING]

[CROW] YOU KNOW, THIS IS
WHAT I DREAMED WHEN I TOOK

SUDAFED AND NYQUIL
TOGETHER ONCE.

[SERVO SOBBING]
UGH, I JUST WANT TO WAKE UP

IN MY SQUALID,
ROACH-INFESTED APARTMENT

AND KNOW THAT
EVERYTHING'S OKAY.

[CROW] OH, HIS HAIR MUST NEED
A DRINK OF WATER.

- HELP ME!
- [MIKE] I NEED SOMEBODY.

- HELP ME!
- NOT JUST ANYBODY.

- HELP ME--
- YOU KNOW I NEED SOMEONE.

[SERVO SHRIEKS]

[SERVO] I'M DONE WITH MY FREAKOUT.

HEH. IT'S ALL OVER, THANK YOU.

WHERE'S ELISABETH SHUE?

AH, LOOK FAMILIAR, MIKE?

MORNING AFTER THE U.W. STOUT
SPRING FLING?

[MIKE LAUGHS]

[SERVO WITH FLAMBOYANT VOICE]
HI, GUY.

[CROW MIMICS
FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

YEAH.

[SERVO] OH.

[MIKE] OH, THE FIRST TRIMESTER
IS ALWAYS THE HARDEST.

[MIKE CHUCKLES]

[SERVO] MORNING IN SOUTH BELOIT.

[CROW] THE PIGEONS ARE
A LITTLE LESS DISEASED.

[SERVO] NO BUSINESS LEFT--
READ ALL ABOUT IT!

[CROW] SO, A SHOT OF A RAINY
STREET CORNER SOMEWHERE.

THANK YOU, MOVIE.

[SERVO YAWNS] I'M GOING OUT
FOR SOME HEROIN.

DO YOU WANT SOME?

[MIKE] IS THAT SWEATSHIRT
ACTUALLY PART OF HIS SKIN?

[CROW LAUGHS]

[SERVO] I ACCIDENTALLY
ATE A NO-PEST STRIP--

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

[SERVO WITH E. EUROPEAN ACCENT]
OH, I SEE. THERE IS NO ENGINE.

HEY, IT'S ABOUT TIME
YOU GOT UP.

BOY, I HAD A RESTLESS NIGHT
LAST NIGHT.

I KNOW.

I HEARD YOU TALKING
TO YOURSELF LAST NIGHT.

- WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING.
- [CROW] I WASN'T "SLIPPIN'."

I HAD THE CRAZIEST DREAM
I'VE EVER HAD.

IT MUST HAVE BEEN ABOUT
THAT CRAZY CHICK, CARMELITA.

[MIKE] SOUND, ARE YOU GETTING THIS?

WELL, WE'LL MOVE ON.
WE'VE GOT A LOT OF OTHER LINES.

COME ON, JOE. TELL ME.

WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW.

I JUST CAN'T SEEM
TO QUITE FIGURE OUT

EXACTLY WHAT DID HAPPEN.

[SERVO] SEE, I KILLED THOSE GUYS,

THEN IT'S JUST
A FOG AFTER THAT.

I DON'T--
I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER

COMING HOME LAST NIGHT.

SOMETIMES, WHEN I GET
A LITTLE DRUNK,

I CAN'T REMEMBER
THINGS LIKE THAT EITHER.

YEAH, I WAS THINKING
[MIKE MUTTERS]

I WAS DRINKING...

AH, SURE, SURE.

[SERVO MUTTERS]

HEY, HOW ABOUT YOU AND ANGELA?
EVERYTHING OKAY?

SHE MADE ME
TAKE HER RIGHT HOME.

[SERVO] LET ME
MOVE MY CONDOM, HERE.

HERE'S YOUR KEYS.

THANKS.

UH, WAS SHE MAD?

NOT AS MAD AS HER MOTHER.

EH, WHO CARES
ABOUT HER MOTHER?

I DON'T KNOW--
I KIND OF LIKE HER MYSELF.

- [CROW] EWW, GRUESOME.
- MAYBE SO.

- LOOK, I'VE GOTTA GO.
- I'LL GO WITH YOU.

I WON'T BE ABLE TO GET THIS
PIECE OF JUNK RUNNING ANYHOW.

[ALL LAUGH]

[MIKE] LOOK, I'M GONNA GO
FRICASSEE THAT ROADKILL, OKAY?

[SERVO] THAT CAR GOES
FROM ZERO TO 50

IN ABOUT A MINUTE.

[MIKE] PIECE OF TRASH.

[SERVO] AND THE MUFFLER FALLS OFF.

[MIKE] BOY, I'D HATE TO BE A BURDEN.
LIVE RIGHT THERE.

[CROW] THAT THING CORNERS
LIKE A RIVER BARGE.

[SERVO MIMICS DYING ENGINE]

[MIKE] HEY, I GOT A MESSAGE
FROM MY ROOMMATE.

HE SAYS--
[MIKE MUTTERS]

[CROW] HEY, HOW DO YOU LIKE
YOUR PANCAKES?

SAY, MADISON, WHERE'S ANGIE?

UH, SHE'S OVER THERE
BY THE POOL.

- THANKS.
- [SERVO] SHE'S ALREADY HAD

EIGHT OF MY
BREAKFAST BURGERS.

[MIKE] HE COMES OVER SPECIFICALLY
TO PEE IN THE POOL.

[SERVO] SHE'S USING SPF 589.

[MIKE] HOW WAS THE PORN SHOW, HON?

[CROW] I CAME TO EXPLAIN
ABOUT MY HEAD.

SO YOU FINALLY DECIDED
TO DROP BY?

ANGIE, I'D LIKE TO EXPLAIN
ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

IT'S OKAY, I UNDERSTAND.

[SERVO] SO YOU KILLED
SOME PEOPLE. WE ALL DO IT.

I CAN TELL BY YOUR VOICE
YOU'RE STILL MAD AT ME.

WHY SHOULDN'T I BE,
AFTER THE WAY YOU ACTED?

- YOU KNOW...
- [MIKE] I GOT A BIG ZIT STARTING HERE.

I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED
ABOUT THAT, TOO.

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT YOU SAW IN HER.

LOOK, CAN'T
WE CHANGE THE SUBJECT?

ALL RIGHT,

BUT I SURE WOULD LIKE TO KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED AFTER I LEFT.

[CROW] BUT FIRST,
I'M GOING TO UNNATURALLY

TWIRL MY UMBRELLA AT YOU.
LIKE THIS.

[SERVO] PLEASE, NO, THIS MAKES ME
HOP AROUND WITH COSTUMED WOMEN

WITH THEIR
ARMS UP IN THE AIR.

- [CROW SIGHS]
- [MIKE] COME ON.

[CROW] AT LONG LAST, MOVIE,

HAVE YOU NO SENSE
OF DECENCY?

[MIKE MIMICS PENGUIN LAUGH]

[SERVO] TED DANSON!

- [SCREAMS]
- [CROW] I GAINED AN OUNCE!

[SERVO] WHO WANTS CHEESE
ON THEIR BURGERS?

[MIKE] DID THEY JUST DO
PHASER SHOTS?

[SERVO] MADISON!

[CROW] KIDS, CAN SOMEONE
COME OVER HERE

AND HELP ME PURGE?

[SERVO] YOU'RE TOTALLY MENTAL,
I MUST SAY.

- [SERVO] HUH? WHAT?
- [CROW] HUH?

[MIKE] LATER, IN ROME.

[CROW] THE SLIGHTLY "L."

♪♪♪ [COUNTRY SONG]

[SERVO] ♪ KEEP THOSE
DOGGIES ROLLIN' ♪

[SERVO MIMICS HORSE HOOFS]

[WHIP CRACK]

[MIKE] THIS WAS DIGITALLY RECORDED,
THEN ERASED.

THEN RE-RECORDED ON
A DICTAPHONE.

[CROW] SO ARE THEY IMPLYING
THERE'S A COUNTRY-MUSIC FEST

HAPPENING, LIKE,
A MILE AWAY?

[SERVO] ♪ NIGHT TRAIN... ♪

♪ TO MUNDO FEMALE ♪

[MIKE] WESTERN ZOMBIE MUSIC.

A SHORT-LIVED FAD.

[CROW] HI.

[SERVO] TRAINS MAKE ME
THINK OF SOMETHING.

[CROW] BUT RICE-A-RONI SHIPMENTS

CONTINUED THROUGH THE CRISIS.

[MIKE] I DIDN'T KNOW THAT EDISON
WROTE AND RECORDED

HIS OWN FOLK SONGS.

[SERVO] YOU KNOW, THEY USED
TO PUT THE MICROPHONE

IN A SALTINE BOX
ACROSS THE ROOM.

[CROW] HEY, I THINK I'LL SAVE VOMITING
TILL I GET HOME.

[MIKE] MAYBE IT'S THE FUNK
OF THE HOODED SWEATSHIRT

HE'S BEEN WEARING
THROUGH THE WHOLE FILM

THAT'S GOT HIM DOWN.

[SERVO] WAIT, SHH,
I LOVE THIS VERSE.

HE SINGS... [MUFFLED]

- [CROW] HMM. HI.
- [SERVO] HI.

[MAN] WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM

TO BRING YOU A SPECIAL
ANNOUNCEMENT.

[SERVO] THIS IS HERBIE THE MISFIT ELF.

POLICE ARE STILL SEARCHING
FOR THE BIZARRE MURDERER

OF MARGE NEILSON,

EXOTIC DANCER AT
THE HUNGRY MOUTH NIGHT CLUB.

MS. NEILSON WAS
STABBED TO DEATH LAST NIGHT

DURING THE PERFORMANCE
OF HER ACT.

HER PARTNER, BILL WARD,
WAS FATALLY WOUNDED

WHILE TRYING
TO APPREHEND THE MURDERER.

POLICE HAVE NO
DESCRIPTION OF THE KILLER,

BUT THEY ARE,
AT PRESENT, CHECKING

ALL TRANSIENTS IN THE AREA.

[MIKE AS JIM CARREY]
ALRIGHTY THEN!

WE NOW RETURN YOU
TO OUR MUSICAL PROGRAM.

[CROW] DURING OUR NEWS BREAK,
WE CHANGED STATION FORMAT

TO ALL-TRUMPET FANFARE.

[SERVO] SUDDENLY IT'S
THE TOWN WITHOUT PITY.

[MIKE] I'M A ZOMBIE.
THIS IS MY STORY.

[CROW] OH GOD,
THE CENTRIFUGAL FORCE!

MOMMY! MOMMY!

[SERVO] RIDE... THE LAMP.

[MIKE] OKAY, THERE'S A FAIR

THAT FIGURES PROMINENTLY
IN THE MOVIE. WE KNOW!

[BARKER] STEP RIGHT UP!
JOIN THE SHOW!

ONE THIN DIME,
ONE THIN TENTH OF A DOLLAR

WILL GET YOU IN TO SEE
SOME OF THE MOST

- EXOTIC-LOOKING LADIES--
- [CROW] GET TOUCHED BY A CARNY!

STEP RIGHT OVER THERE
TO GET TICKETS.

ONE THIN DIME.
THAT'S ALL IT COSTS.

[SERVO] ONE THIN DIME-- THEY ARE THIN.
HE MAKES A GOOD POINT.

[BARKER] THE GIRLS OF THE MIDWAY

JOINING FORCES TO BRING YOU

SONG AND DANCE...

[CROW] MR. HERMAN.

♪ I COME HOME AND IT'S AFTER 12 ♪

♪ MAMA'S MAYBE UP TO GET ME ♪

♪ WELL, SHE GETS HER SHICK
OUT OF SHAPE ♪

[CROW] SHRIMP OUT OF SHAKE?

[SERVO] SCHICK OUT OF SHAPE? OKAY.

[MIKE] I THINK THIS IS A CAN-CAN'T.

♪ DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ♪

♪ YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN HOME
ABOUT HALF PAST TEN ♪

♪ SHE GETS HER SHICK OUT OF SHAPE ♪

WELL THEN, TRY GILLETTE!

[ALL THREE]
♪ GET YOUR SCHICK OUT OF SHAPE ♪

[SERVO] JULIE EISENHOWER
LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN HER.

♪ HER FEET START
TO TREMBLE ♪

♪ AND SHE SHAKES HER FIST ♪

♪ HER MAMA'S WINDING UP
TO DO THE TWIST ♪

[SERVO] SO WHAT DO
THE HUGE-PLUMAGE BIRD WOMEN

HAVE TO DO WITH
SCHICK OUT OF SHAPE?

[MIKE LAUGHS]

♪ LITTLE GIRL
RAISED TO KNOW ♪

♪ DO AS I TELL
AND YOU GO-GO-GO ♪

[SERVO] WHOO!

SHE'S THE HARDEST-WORKING
DENTAL HYGIENIST

IN SHOW BUSINESS.

[SERVO] ♪ FIRST BLADE LIFTS ♪

♪ THE SECOND ONE CUTS ♪

[ALL] ♪ YOU GET YOUR
SCHICK OUT OF SHAPE ♪

[SERVO] NOW, EVERYBODY, SHAVE!

[CROW] REPLACE YOUR BLADE
EVERY TWO WEEKS!

[MIKE] NO NICKS OR CUTS!

COMFORT AND CONVENIENCE!

[SERVO] WHOO!

[SERVO] OOH, I LET ONE.

♪ HER FEET START
TO TREMBLE ♪

[SERVO] OH, OOPS, WE'RE ON AGAIN.

♪ HER MAMA'S WINDING UP
TO DO THE TWIST ♪

[SERVO] THIS IS WHERE THE DANCING
GETS GREAT-- THE TIMING.

[MIKE] GOWER CHAMPION IS
IN THE CORNER TREMBLING.

♪ DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL ♪

[SERVO] OKAY, WAIT,

- [SERVO] SHOULD WE GO THIS WAY--
- [CROW] OVER HERE, YOU GO LEFT--

- [SERVO] WHERE DO WE GO--
- [CROW] THIS WAY, CINDY,

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING--
- NO, STOP.

[CROW] YEAH, NEVER LET
YOUR BOOK CLUB

BE BACKUP DANCERS, I SAY.

♪♪♪ [SINGS INDISTINCTLY]

♪ SHE GETS HER SHICK OUT OF SHAPE ♪

[MIKE] BROUGHT TO YOU BY SCHICK.

[SERVO IN FEMALE VOICE] GOSH,
YOU KNOW, I ADVISE OTHER PEOPLE

TO GET THEIR
SCHICK OUT OF SHAPE,

BUT MY SCHICK IS
NOWHERE NEAR OUT OF SHAPE.

[MIKE LAUGHS]

[CROW] PRANCER MURDERED.
DANCER HELD FOR QUESTIONING.

[MIKE] DO YOU TAKE MURDER
WALK-INS?

- YOO-HOO?
- [CROW] CAN I GET A YOO-HOO?

HELLO?

[SERVO] JUST TENDING MY MOLES.

IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR
MY SISTER, CARMELITA,

SHE'S NOT HERE.

I WASN'T LOOKING FOR
CARMELITA.

I WAS LOOKING FOR YOU.

[MIKE] ARE YOU THE TICK VET?

- WHY?
- HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?

[CROW] I SEE THAT FILTHY PIG
FUTURES ARE DOWN!

WHAT ABOUT IT?

SHE WAS IN YOUR TENT
LAST NIGHT.

WAS SHE? I DON'T REMEMBER.

I WOULDN'T HAVE
REMEMBERED EITHER.

IF IT WASN'T THE WAY
SHE LOOKED WHEN SHE LEFT.

SHE SEEMED TERRIFIED.

- DID SHE?
- YES.

SOMETHING
HAD TO OF HAPPENED.

HERE TODAY, GONE TOMORROW.

[MIKE] SCHICK OUT OF SHAPE,
YOU KNOW.

JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY,

WHAT DID YOU PREDICT
THE FUTURE HAD FOR HER?

- NOTHING.
- [SERVO] I KNOW NOTHING!

BECAUSE SHE WASN'T HERE
LAST NIGHT.

IF I DIDN'T KNOW YOU BETTER,

I'D ALMOST SAY
YOU HAD SOMETHING TO HIDE.

[MIKE] MIGHT START WITH THE MOLE.

BUT I'VE GOT TO GET HOME.

I'VE GOT A DATE.

[CROW] WITH A CARNY!

[MALE EMCEE] AND NOW WE GIVE YOU
THE GIRL WITH THE GOLDEN VOICE,

MS. KERRY RANDALL.

[SERVO] ♪ GILLETTE, THE BEST ♪

♪ A MAN CAN GET ♪

[KERRY SCATTING]

[MIKE] HELLO, HEY, MILES DAVIS.

TURN AROUND.

[CROW] HER SCATTING PUTS
ELLA FITZGERALD'S TO SHAME.

[MIKE] I THINK OF A DIFFERENT
KIND OF SCAT

WHEN I HEAR HER SING.

[SERVO] WHOO.

SHE'S LIKE RUE GRETZKY.

[CROW] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE GLENN CLOSE EXPERIENCE.

[MIKE SCATS]

[SERVO] SHE'S A SENIOR WITH SASS!

[CROW] BLING BLAGGA LOOBY DOFF!

DOOM-DIVEY-DOO FLINGY!

[MIKE LAUGHS]

BAB-BAB FAPOOB!

ZINGA-BLAGGA-BLOO.

♪ CHOO CHOO ♪

♪ I AM WEAKER THAN A LITTLE CHILD ♪

[SCATS]

[MIKE] GRANDMA ALWAYS GETS DRUNK
AND SINGS AT WEDDINGS.

[SERVO] ♪ CENTRUM SILVER
IS WHAT YOU NEED ♪

♪ COME ON!
KABLINK BLAK BLOK ♪

[CROW] CAN I GET A MEDIC OVER HERE?

[MIKE] MORE SCORBUTIC STRIPPERS.

[SERVO] OH, SHE'S SINGING
THE THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE THEME?

[CROW] BLINK BLOK BLOOP!

OH, LADY,
YOUR DRESS FELL OFF,

AND YOUR SOLID-GOLD
BRASSIERE

IS IRRITATING
THE WHOLE ROOM.

♪ OOH WOW WOW ♪

[MIKE SCATS]

[SERVO] WHY'D YOU CANCEL
BATTLESTAR GALACTICA?

JERRY, WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE?

I'VE COME FOR A FEW ANSWERS.

[MIKE] IT'S RAINING, AND I CAME
TO STALK IN HERE.

I'M NOT SURE
WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT

BEHIND THESE CURTAINS,
BUT I THINK YOU KNOW.

[SERVO] OH, ORTEGA,
MY GOOD MAN.

THESE RELLENOS WITH CRAB
AND SMOKEY GOUDA.

- FRESH CRAB?
- [ORTEGA GROWLS]

I THOUGHT SO-- DELICIOUS.

- OH HEY, MIKE.
- AAH! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

OH, I THINK THAT'S
THE SWEET POTATO HASH

WITH TOMATILLOS
AND SMOKED FLANK STEAK.

NOT THE FOOD,
I'M TALKING ABOUT HIM.

THAT IS ORTEGA.

I HIRED HIM TO CATER
THIS LITTLE MOVIE BREAK, MIKE.

THIS IS HIS FIRST JOB,
AND YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.

HOW DID YOU GET HIM UP HERE?

WELL, I CONTACTED
HIS WEBSITE,

AND HE SET EVERYTHING UP.

[SERVO] OH, MIKE, YOU GOTTA TRY
THESE BLUE CORN BASKETS

WITH FLAKED TROUT
AND CHIPOTLE VINAIGRETTE.

NAH, YOU KNOW,
I THINK I'LL PASS, SERVO.

I'M ABOUT TO GAG
FROM HIS BODY ODOR.

MIKE! GOOD HEAVENS, MAN.

ARE YOU TRYING
TO HUMILIATE ME?

JUST SMILE AND TAKE A PLATE.

I'M NOT GONNA TAKE A PLATE.

THE GUY HAS PROBABLY
GOT EAR MITES.

- GOD.
- WELL, STILL, THESE VENISON

AND GOAT CHEESE
TOSTADOS ARE HEAVENLY.

WHY WOULD YOU HIRE THIS GUY?

WELL, I GUESS
THAT'S JUST THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN ME AND YOU, MIKE.

THAT YOU HIRED
DEFORMED PSYCHOPATHS

- AND I DON'T?
- EXACTLY.

OH, OKAY-- OH, LOOK.

NOW HE'S ASHING
IN THE QUAIL EGGS. YOU SEE?

MIKE! HE HEARD THAT!

- [ORTEGA GROANING]
- ORTEGA-- ORTEGA, IT'S NOTHING!

WE'LL JUST EAT AROUND IT--

[ORTEGA SCREAMS]

GOOD ONE, MIKE.

YOU CAN JUST GET THE CATERER

FOR SERVO'S
FIRST COMMUNION YOURSELF.

YA BIG BULLY!

- [CROW SOBS]
- [SERVO] HUH?

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

HE'S STILL SMOKING.

- [CROW] ♪ BLING BLAKKA DOOGIE ♪
- [MIKE] OKAY. ALL RIGHT. OKAY.

AFTER THIS AFTERNOON
WITH ANGELA,

I'M BEGINNING TO BELIEVE IT.

HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?

NO, NO, I HAVEN'T
BEEN DRINKING.

EVERYTHING'S BEEN
KIND OF MIXED UP.

BUT AFTER HEARING
THAT NEWS BROADCAST

- A LITTLE WHILE AGO--
- [CROWD CLAPS]

- THINGS ARE A LITTLE DIFFERENT.
- [MIKE] JUST DROP HIS MARBLES?

WHAT KIND OF THINGS?

LOOK, LAST NIGHT
I KILLED A GIRL,

AND I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.

[SERVO] OOPS, NO,
I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.

TELL ME--
WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT

BEHIND THOSE CURTAINS?

BUT IF YOU REALLY MUST KNOW

WHAT HAPPENED
BEHIND THOSE CURTAINS,

WHY DON'T YOU
GO BEHIND THEM?

I THINK I WILL.

[MIKE] OH, THERE'S A MINING
FACILITY BACK THERE.

[SERVO] OF COURSE.

[CROW] OH, THE WASHING MACHINE'S
OUT OF BALANCE.

[SERVO] GOT MILK?

[SERVO] WE COULD GO
TO DONNIE BRASCO.

[SERVO] WELL, THAT
CLEARED UP NOTHING.

[CROW] CAN I BORROW A CUP
OF DIPPITY-DO?

[MIKE] WELCOME
TO PANELING WORLD.

WHAT KIND OF PANELING
CAN I SHOW YOU?

[SERVO] AND YET WE HEAR
THE DOOR SQUEAK

PERFECTLY WELL.

I GOT HERE
AS SOON AS I COULD.

I HAD TO RIDE THE BUS.
MY CAR WOULDN'T START.

HAROLD, WE'VE JUST GOT
TO FIND HIM AND HELP HIM.

I STILL THINK YOU
SHOULD CALL THE POLICE

INSTEAD OF TRYING
TO FIND HIM YOURSELF.

BUT HE'S MY ROOMMATE.
I KNOW THE GUY.

I KNOW HE'S NOT LIKE THAT.

[CROW] WELL, GEE, WALLY, I--

WOULD YOU PLEASE
GIVE US A CHANCE?

DON'T CALL THE POLICE, OKAY?

- [SERVO] PLEASE.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, MOTHER,

BUT LET'S WAIT
A LITTLE WHILE, SHALL WE?

HAROLD, ON THE PHONE
THIS AFTERNOON,

YOU TOLD ME
THAT HE WAS UPSET.

UPSET ABOUT WHAT?

[MIKE] I THINK... [MUMBLES]

I THOUGHT HE WAS UPSET
ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

I DIDN'T REALIZE HE WAS
ON THE VERGE OF GOING PSYCHO.

YOU KNOW, HE WAS ACTED AS IF
HE WAS GOING OUT OF HIS MIND.

[SERVO] PLEASE KNOW YOU CAN
TALK TO MY EARS ANYTIME.

IF HE'S IN A DAZE AND
WANDERING AROUND THE STREETS,

WE'VE GOT TO GET TO HIM
BEFORE THE POLICE PICK HIM UP.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHERE HE MIGHT'VE GONE?

[CROW] I WISH THAT GUY
WOULD STOP SCREAMING.

DO YOU SUPPOSE HE COULD'VE
GONE BACK TO THAT CARNIVAL

AND THAT GIRL CARMELITA
YOU TOLD ME ABOUT?

[SERVO] IT'S POINTY-VOICE THEATER.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE
SOMETHING HE'D DO.

SO WE'VE GOT TO GET TO HIM
BEFORE THE POLICE PICK HIM UP.

PLEASE GIVE US A CHANCE.

[MIKE] WE'LL TAKE YOUR ADVICE,
AND... [MUMBLES]

ALL RIGHT, ANGELA,
YOU CAN GO.

AS LONG AS MADISON
GOES WITH YOU.

BUT IF YOU'RE NOT BACK
IN THE NEXT TWO HOURS,

I'M GOING
TO CALL THE POLICE.

OKAY, THEN, LET'S GO!

[CROW] I JUST HAVE TO
SWING BY PRAGUE FIRST.

[SERVO] I PRE-WEDGIED MYSELF.

[MIKE] MADISON, DON'T FORGET
YOUR PUFFER.

AND YOUR KNEE BRACE!
AND YOUR EARPLUGS!

AND YOUR EYE DROPS!

[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[CROW] RIDE THE GIANT
CITRUS JUICER!

[MIKE HUMS ALONG]

[MIKE] THIS IS BEETHOVEN'S
WORST SYMPHONY.

- [STATUE LAUGHS]
- [SERVO] GET YOUR TERRIFYING

DEVIL MONKEYS.

[CROW] OH, IT'S ERNEST BORGNINE.

[LIGHT GENTLE JAZZ THEME PLAYING]

[SERVO] ♪ I ♪

♪ SEND ME ♪

♪ I KNOW... ♪

[MIKE] AUNT JEMIMA.
BECAUSE WE HAVE

SO MANY REASONS
TO CELEBRATE.

[CROW] CATWOMAN AT HOME.

[SERVO] IT'S HER ELABORATE
PREPARATION FOR CAR TALK.

♪♪♪ [SLOW JAZZ]

[MIKE] DOES ANYONE KNOW
WHO THIS IS?

[CROW] NO...

[CROW] SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE'S
PLAYING A COW.

- [WOMAN GASPS]
- [SERVO] KNIFE DELIVERY!

[MIKE] CAN WE AT LEAST
HAVE A COCKTAIL FIRST?

[CROW] THE BUDGET ZOMBIE!

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

[SERVO] MIDDLE-AGED PEE WEE.

[CROW] IF THIS IS HER DATE,
THEN IT'LL BE

THE FIRST THING I UNDERSTAND
ABOUT THE WHOLE MOVIE.

[MIKE] AH, YOU HAVE TO TRY
HARDER THAN THAT

TO AVOID A DATE WITH ME.

[MAN] ESTELLA?

[SERVO] I BROUGHT
CHEDDAR COMBOS.

[CROW CHUCKLES]

[CROW] HEY, A CARNIVAL.

[MIKE] WOW.

[MIKE] THAT'S IT.
I'M GONNA TRY ON

MORE NAVY HOODED
SWEATSHIRTS.

[SERVO] YEAH, LOOK, SEE HOW
MY SKIN JUST PEELS OFF?

[CROW HUMMING TONIGHT SHOW THEME]

[MIKE WITH RASPY VOICE]
WATCH A TAPEWORM

JUST GOES BACK
INTO MY HAND. SEE THAT?

[SERVO] I DO LOVE ORTEGA,
AND YOU CANNOT STOP US.

WELCOME, ORTEGA.

- YOU HAVE DONE SO VERY WELL.
- [SERVO] YES.

THIS TIME, I THINK THAT YOU OUGHT
TO GET YOUR AWARD.

- ORTEGA--
- [CROW] YEAH, WHAT?

- BRING ME THE ACID.
- [CROW] OKAY, SURE.

IT IS TOO BAD THAT
YOU REMEMBERED SO MUCH.

[MIKE] I LIKE ORTEGA'S LOOK.

NOW YOU HAVE LEFT ME
VERY LITTLE CHOICE.

[SERVO] UH, MA'AM, THAT WAS A SPRITE
I HAD SITTING OVER THERE.

TAKE HIM BACK
AND PUT HIM WITH

THE REST OF THE LITTLE PETS.

[CROW] PUT HIM IN THE NICE ROOM

WITH ALL THE OTHER
FILTHY PIGS.

[MIKE] I NOTICE YOU HAVEN'T
SOILED YOURSELF YET, SIR.

IS THERE A PROBLEM?

[SERVO] ZOMBIE WALKIN'!

[CROW] SO YOU'RE THE JERRY
I'VE BEEN HEARING ABOUT.

POOL'S ON
THE EIGHTH FLOOR, JERRY.

WHERE'RE YOU FROM, JERRY?

[MIKE] YEAH, JUST BEND DOWN.

USUALLY THE ZOMBIES
ARE A LITTLE SHORTER.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.

[SERVO] NEIL YOUNG IS ATTACKING!

GET BACK... YOU GET BACK! AARGH!

[CROW] WOW, THEY HAD
AN INTRICATE ESCAPE PLAN.

WHEN SHE OPENS THE DOOR,
JUMP ON HER!

[MIKE] THESE ARE JUST THE CARNIES.

WAIT'LL THE ZOMBIES
COME OUT.

[SERVO] BOY, YOU KNOW,
YOU GIVE YOUR KID

A CUTE LITTLE ZOMBIE
FOR EASTER,

AND THEN IT GROWS UP
LIKE THIS.

[CROW] OUTSIDE WITH THIS, MEN.

OUTSIDE, YOUNG PEOPLE.

[MIKE] NO! NOT ORTEGA!

[MIKE SOBS] ORTEGA!

[SERVO] VANCE!

[CROW] AHH, CROSS-DRESSING BRITISH

POLICE INSPECTOR STRIPPER ARRIVES.

[MIKE AND SERVO LAUGH]

[MIKE] WELL, I'D LIKE TO ATTACK,
BUT MY NAILS AREN'T DRY!

ESTRELLA?

ESTRELLA?

[CROW] I HATE THE WAY THEY
STEREOTYPE ZOMBIES IN THIS MOVIE.

[SERVO] HEY, IT'S CLINT HOWARD.

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

[MIKE] HEY, A CARNIVAL.

[CROW] YEAH, WOW.

[CROW] I'M ALMOST DONE OVER HERE.

[SERVO] HEY, BIG-HEAD TODD.

AND THE MONSTER!

[MIKE] JEEZ, YOU COMB YOUR HAIR
WITH AN EGG-BEATER, TED?

[SERVO] HEY GUYS, LET'S RUN AROUND
OUTSIDE IN OUR JAMMIES.

WHOO!

[CROW] MM, THAT TICK ON HER FACE
IS PANICKING NOW.

[SERVO] I NEED BLOOD, WAKE UP!

PLEASE WAKE UP!

[MIKE] WELL, SHE AND ORTEGA
ARE IN A BETTER PLACE.

THEY'RE LIVING UNDER THAT
DAMP, STINKY COUCH IN THE SKY.

[CROW] HI, EVERYBODY,
I'M DENNIS JAMES.

[MIKE] THE CLONES OF FUNKENSTEIN!

[CROW] PSYCHOFUNKAPUS!

[SERVO] ♪ I'M GONNA
TELL YOU ALL A STORY ♪

♪ 'BOUT A HARPER VALLEY ♪

♪ WIDOW WIFE ♪

[MIKE] IT'S THE KID
'N PLAY DANCERS.

[SERVO] WOW.

[CROW] OH, THEY TURNED LEECH
WOMAN INTO A MUSICAL.

[SERVO] A COMMAND PERFORMANCE
FOR JESSE HELMS.

[SERVO] UH, COME IN
THROUGH THE KITCHEN.

THEY KNOW ME HERE.

[CROW] LAWRENCE WELK REACHES OUT
TO THE BLACK AUDIENCE.

[SERVO CHUCKLES]

[MIKE] SO THEY'RE WHITE PEOPLE

DRESSED AS AFRICANS
IN WHITEFACE.

[SERVO] CONFUSING.

[SERVO] ♪ BURIED WITH MY DONKEY ♪

♪ HE'S MY FAVORITE HONKY ♪

[CROW] THEY'RE AFRICAN
LADIES IN WAITING

WHO ARE INUIT AND SWEDISH

- AND DRESSED IN TIGHTS.
- [SERVO] UH-HUH.

[MIKE] THE INDIGO GIRLS
TRY TO FIND THE STAGE.

[SERVO] ALL THIS PAGEANTRY
CAN'T HIDE THE FACT

THAT THERE'S NO STRIPPING.

[CROW] SEEMS LIKE STRIPPING WOULD
BE A LOT CHEAPER TO PRODUCE.

[MIKE] IS THIS CONFUSE-A-CAT?

[SERVO] HEY, HE'S JUST
IN HIS UNDERPANTS.

- PUT ON SOME PANTS.
- [MIKE] OH...

[CROW] SORRY, I THOUGHT
IT WOULD BE FUNNY.

NOW I'M JUST ASHAMED.
I'LL-- I'LL GO.

[MIKE] HOW BANAL.

[SERVO] THE ZOMBIES JUST WANT
MORE STAGE TIME.

[CROWD SCREAMS]

[CROW] I HAVE FEAR.

[MIKE] THE BEACH BOYS
WAITING OUTSIDE.

[SERVO] DONE AND DONE.

[CROW] HEY, THAT BARKER'S
SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD.

WHAT THE...

[MIKE] WELL, NOW WHERE ARE
THEY GONNA GO IN TOWN

FOR GAY DANCING AND RACIST
PRODUCTION NUMBERS?

[CROW] OFFICER BOITANO.

[SERVO IN SNOBBY VOICE]
OH NO, COPS.

[MIKE] I'M GOING, I'M GOING
BACK TO MY CAGE.

EVERYTHING'S COOL.

[CROW] NICE PLANT.

[MIKE] POOR KIDS.
THEY'RE JUST MIXED UP.

[ZOMBIE SCREAMS]

[SERVO] FASCIST.

[CROW] OH, WATCH THIS. HE'S ONLY
50 YEARS FROM RETIREMENT TOO.

[MIKE] HE'S A COP GONE BAD.

[SERVO] I MEAN, HE'S JUST A COP
THAT'S REALLY BAD AT HIS JOB.

[MIKE] UM, I GUESS YOU GOT IT
UNDER CONTROL.

[CROW] YOU KNOW,
I'M SICK OF THIS, BOB.

THIS IS THE THIRD ZOMBIE
I'VE PULLED OFF YOU THIS WEEK.

[MIKE] OH, WHY, JUST YESTERDAY

I WAS SLIPPING DOLLARS
INTO HER BIKINI.

- COME ON, LET'S GET THROUGH!
- HEY! HEY, HEY!

[CROW] UH, SORRY FOLKS,
THE WOMEN'S EXPO IS CANCELLED.

[SERVO] HURRY UP, MAYBE
WE GET SOMETHING TO EAT.

[DOG BARKS]

[MIKE] WHAT IS WITH
THE PERIODIC DOG BARK?

[CROW] WOOF!

[SERVO] AH, INSPECTOR MADISON.
THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.

[ZOMBIE GROWLS]

[CROW] JACKIE MASON!

[SERVO] I HAVE
CORN BLIGHT-- PLEASE!

[ZOMBIE GRUNTS]

-[SCREAMS]
-[SERVO] I BIT MY KNUCKLE!

[CROW] UGH, NO NO, I'M UP.

I'M UP, I JUST
NEED SOME COFFEE.

[SERVO] OH, SLEPT WITH MY CONTACTS.

- [SERVO] OW.
- JERRY!

- [ANGIE SCREAMS]
- [SERVO] DON'T WALK ON THE COUCH!

[CROW] STOP! COME ON, YOU BOOGER!

[SERVO] I STILL HAVE SOME RIDES
LEFT ON MY TICKET.

[SERVO] SHE RUNS LIKE A GIRL.

[ANGIE] COME BACK, PLEASE!
COME BACK!

[CROW] JERRY LEWIS IS
STEVE PREFONTAINE.

[SERVO PANTS]

[SERVO AS JERRY LEWIS]
♪ I VOWED I-- ♪ WHOA!

♪ FROM HERE TO ETERNITY ♪

♪ A LADY, OH ♪

[ANGIE] WAIT, JERRY, DON'T!

[CROW] I WISH I WERE
LIQUID METAL, MAN.

[MIKE AS JERRY LEWIS]
WOW, DEAN, I--

WHOA, SORRY, ON THE BEACH.

WHOA...

[SERVO HUMS "YAKETY SAX"]

[CROW] MADISON,
THE BOY WHO SHOULD BE

IN A PLASTIC BUBBLE.

[SERVO] I FEEL SO FREE.

[SERVO AS JERRY LEWIS] WOW!
YOU DID IT, YOU FINALLY DID IT!

DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

[MIKE] ANY CHANCE A PELICAN WILL
DROP A TURTLE ON HIS HEAD?

[ANGIE] DON'T!

[MIKE] RIGHT ABOUT NOW,
THE CRABS ARE OUT THERE

SETTING A TABLE,
LAYING OUT THE CONDIMENTS.

[SERVO] YEP.

JERRY, PLEASE!

[SERVO] SAIL AWAY!

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

[MIKE] ♪ JERRY THE ZOMBIE ♪

♪ ON THE ROCKS ♪

♪ SAY YES ♪

[CROW] CROAT AND MADISON.

THEY'RE FEEBS.

- [SERVO MUMBLES]
- [MIKE] MADISON!

[CROW] YOU KNOW,
THERE ARE EASIER WAYS

TO CLEAN YOUR SKIN
WITH PUMICE.

[SERVO] I LOST A CONTACT
OUT HERE SOMEWHERE.

[MIKE] IF HE WASN'T CONFUSED
BY THE BEACH,

HE WOULDN'T BE JERRY.

[CROW] STOP, OR I'LL SHOOT.

[SERVO] WELL, SOME MOVIES INSPIRE
YOU TO MAKE YOUR OWN MOVIE.

THIS ONE INSPIRES ME
TO MAKE MY OWN GRAVY.

[MIKE LAUGHS]

[MIKE] WHEN A KENNEDY TOUCH
FOOTBALL GAME GETS OUT OF HAND.

[SERVO] WELL, IF HE DOESN'T
FEEL FRESH BY NOW,

IT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

[MIKE] NUH-UH.

[CROW] I LOVE YOU, JERRY!

YOU HAVE SO MUCH
TO LIVE FOR!

[MIKE] HMM, MADISON HAD
AN ADENOID ATTACK

AND HAD TO HOLD BACK.

[SERVO] LACK OF MUSCLE BEACH.

[CROW MIMICS CAR ENGINE]

[SERVO] I GOT YOU. BA-DOW! BA-DOW!

PEW-PEW!

[SERVO] MADISON'S OFF SOMEWHERE,
SEWING NAMETAGS IN HIS UNDERWEAR.

[CROW MUMBLES]
JERRY-JERRY-JERRY!

[MIKE] ARE YOU TRYING TO RUN
AROUND THE ENGLISH CHANNEL?

[SERVO] SEEING AS HOW
THIS IS A .44 MAGNUM...

NO, NO!

[ANGIE] NO, JERRY, PLEASE!

[CROW] YES, JERRY, YES.

- [CROW] DO IT.
- [MIKE] DO IT.

[MIKE] MADISON IS STILL BACK THERE

TRYING TO PUT ON HIS TOTES.

JERRY!

[SERVO] YOU CAN FOLLOW MY HAIR!

- [CROW] MADISON!
- GO BACK!

[MIKE] GO HOME! GO HOME!

[JERRY] GO BACK!

GO BACK!

STAY AWAY!

[SERVO] WELL, MAYBE
HE'S ACTUALLY A SILKY.

[CROW] NO, I THINK
HE'S A MUCUSY.

[MIKE LAUGHS]

GO BACK!

[SERVO] MY HAIR WANTS
TO TALK TO YOU!

GO BACK!

[SERVO] OR SHOOT,
WHICHEVER WORKS OUT BEST.

NO!

[MIKE] HEY, GRAB THE CAMERA AND GET
SOME SHOTS ON THE WAY DOWN!

- [ANGIE SCREAMS]
- [MIKE] MADISON'S SISTER.

[CROW] YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW
IF I EVER TOLD YOU THIS, MIKE,

BUT MY LIFE, MY LOVE,
AND MY LADY IS THE SEA.

[MIKE] UH, YEAH, YOU DID, ACTUALLY.

- YOU MENTIONED IT ONE TIME.
- [CROW] OH, I DID, SORRY.

[MIKE] CRACKLE MOURNS
THE DEATH OF POP.

[CROW] NOW, NOW BRANDY.
SHE WAS A FINE GIRL.

WHAT A GOOD WIFE
SHE WOULD BE.

BUT, AS I PREVIOUSLY STATED,

MY LIFE, MY LOVE,
AND MY LADY

- [MIKE] IS-- IS THE--
- [CROW] IS THE SEA.

[CROW] YEAH, THE SEA.

[SERVO] MARINA OSWALD LOOKS ON.

JERRY!

[CROW] WELL, I'M GOING TO LAS VEGAS

TO DRINK MYSELF TO DEATH.

[SERVO] SURGE!

[MIKE LAUGHS]

[MIKE] MADISON!

[CROW] HERE, OFFICER, YOU CAN
SHOOT HIM BETTER FROM HERE.

[SERVO] MADISON!

[MIKE] THAT COP'S REPORT
HAS TO BE SIGNED BY HIS MOM.

[SERVO CHUCKLES]

[SERVO] LOOK, YOU HAVE A CRANE SHOT
JUST FOR HER HAIR.

[CROW] I'LL SUCK THE BULLET OUT.

[MIKE] MADISON!

[SERVO MUMBLES]

[CROW] WE HOPE YOU'VE ENJOYED

"NO MORAL THEATER,"
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

[MIKE] THE CAMERA PULLS BACK
AS IF TO SAY,

"SORRY ABOUT THIS, EVERYONE.

IT'S MY FAULT, SORRY."

[SERVO] OH, I THOUGHT IT WAS
HOLLYWOOD, REPUBLIC OF CHAD.

[CROW] YEAH.

[MIKE AND SERVO] ♪ OOH-OOH ♪

[CROW] ♪ BABY BABY ♪

[MIKE] MADISON IS MADISON.

[CROW] DRUNK PLAYED BY HIMSELF.

HOBO, HIMSELF.
STRIPPER, HERSELF.

[SERVO] ♪ THE INCREDIBLY
STRANGE CREATURES ♪

♪ WHO STOPPED LIVING
AND BECAME ♪

♪ MIXED-UP ZOMBIES ♪

♪ THE INCREDIBLY
STRANGE CREATURES ♪

♪ WHO STOPPED LIVING
AND BECAME ♪

♪ MIXED-UP ZOMBIES ♪

♪ THE INCREDIBLY
STRANGE CREATURES... ♪

[SERVO] WHOO-HOO-HOO.

SO THIS IS
A ROLLER-COASTER, THEN?

- WELL, SURE IT IS.
- IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING.

- ABSOLUTELY.
- OKAY.

'CAUSE IT SEEMS TO BE
MISSING SOME OF THE THINGS

THAT THE ROLLER-COASTER
IN THE MOVIE HAD.

LIKE, UH, A TRACK.

REALLY? HUH.
INTERESTING CHOICE.

YOU KNOW, I THINK
THE SCREAMING LEMUR

OFFERS YOU
A MORE SOPHISTICATED

ILLUSION OF DANGER, MIKE.

OKAY, IS THERE A SAFETY BAR?

OH, I GOT YOU COVERED THERE.
JUST GRAB THAT

ROLL OF DUCT TAPE DOWN THERE
AND STRAP YOURSELF IN SECURELY.

HEH-HEH. UH, PLEASE KEEP
YOUR ARMS INSIDE

AND DO NOT STAND UP
ON THIS RIDE.

AND DON'T FORGET
YOUR COMPLIMENTARY

CUP OF STEAMING-HOT
COLOMBIAN COFFEE.

OH, OKAY, OOH!
THIS SMELLS GOOD.

- HERE WE GO.
- OKAY, HERE WE GO, MIKE.

OH, CAN I GET
A LID FOR THIS--

- [MIKE SCREAMS]
- [BOTS] SCREAMING LEMUR!

- [METAL CRASHES]
- OW! OH! OH!

- [MIKE] OOH, MY RIBS!
- WOW.

HUH, MAYBE WE SHOULD
LOOK INTO THAT TRACK THING.

YEAH. HEY, LET'S SEE
WHAT PEARL'S DOING, HUH?

NO TIME TO TALK, ART.

ARE WE AT DAIRY QUEEN YET?

NO, NO, HONEY, WE'RE HOME.

COME ON, KIDS, CHOP-CHOP.
YOUR PARENTS ARE GONNA BE--

BIG.

REALLY BIG.

[MAN] PEARL FORRESTER!

YOU HAVE RETURNED
OUR RUNAWAY CHILDREN TO US!

[WOMAN] WE ARE VERY GRATEFUL,

AND WE HOPE THAT THEY
WEREN'T TOO MUCH TROUBLE.

THEY CAN CERTAINLY
BE A HANDFUL.

OH, THEY--
THEY SURE CAN WEAR YOU OUT.

[WOMAN] BOY, TELL ME ABOUT IT.

LAST WEEK,
THEY WERE VERY NAUGHTY

AND VAPORIZED
A WHOLE GALAXY.

OH, ADORABLE LITTLE SCAMPS.

MOMMY, DADDY, WE WENT
WITH GRANDMA PEARL,

AND THEN WE DID
A WHOLE BUNCH OF STUFF!

[TALKING OVER EACH OTHER]

[MAN] WOW, THAT'S GREAT, KIDS.

NOW, GET YOUR SHOES ON,
SCOOTER. COME ON.

[WOMAN] WOULD YOU COME IN FOR
SOME COFFEE AND CARROT CAKE?

OH, NO, I COULDN'T.

BESIDES, I'D PROBABLY MELT
IN YOUR PRESENCE OR SOMETHING.

[MAN] THAT'S TRUE, GOOD POINT.

BUT THANKS AGAIN, PEARL.

[WOMAN] BUDDY! DARLENE! SCOOTER!

COME ALONG, CHILDREN.

I'M GONNA MISS YOU,
GRANDMA PEARL.

I'M GONNA MISS YOU MORE
THAN HIM, GREAT-GRANDMA PEARL.

AND I'M GONNA MISS YOU
MOST OF ALL

GREAT-GREAT-GRANDMA PEARL!

OH, I'LL MISS YOU KIDS, TOO.

GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-
GRANDMA PEARL WILL MISS YOU.

[WIND CHIMES]

[LAUGHS]

ALL RIGHT! I AM FREE!

GOOD RIDDANCE,
YOU LITTLE NO-NECK MONSTERS!

- [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO]
- BLACKJACK TABLE, HERE I COME!

[MST3K THEME PLAYING]

WHAT DO YOU THINK
WE COME HERE FOR, TO EAT?