Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 9, Episode 13 - Jack Frost - full transcript

♫ In the not too distant future

♫ Somewhere in time and space

♫ Mike Nelson and his robot pals

♫ Are caught in an endless chase

♫ Pursued by a woman whose name is Pearl

♫ An evil gal who wants to rule the world

♫ She threw a few things in her purse

♫ And in her rocket ship she hunts

♫ Him all across the universe.
♫ I'll get you!

♫ I'll send him cheesy movies

♫ The worst I can find
♫ la-la-la

♫ He'll have to sit and watch them all

♫ And I'll monitor his mind
♫ la-la-la

♫ Now keep in mind Mike can't control

♫ Where the movies begin or end

♫ la-la-la

♫ He'll try to keep his sanity

♫ With the help of his robot friends.

♫ Robot Roll Call:

♫ Cambot!
♫ You're on!

♫ Gypsy!
♫ Oh, my stars!

♫ Tom Servo!
♫ Check me out!

♫ Croooow!
♫ I'm different!

♫ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes

♫ And other science facts
♫ la-la-la

♫ Just repeat to yourself

♫ It's just a show, I
should really just relax

♫ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♫

(guitar strum)

(metal door slamming)
(squeaking metal)

(metal door slamming)

(computer beep)

(metal door slamming)

(door slamming)

(squeaking metal door shutting)

(metal door slamming)

(squeaking metal)

- [Voiceover] Ladies and Gypsy,

Michael Nelson is Lord of the Dance.

- Oh!

Did the other one die?

- Um, no.

Anyway, Michael Nelson
is Lord of the Dance.

- Oh, okay.

- [Tom] Three, four.

- [Crow And Tom] (singing while tapping)

♫ Dadadada dadadada dadadada dadadada ♫

- Oh, um, yay.

Well, there's this sink
I need to take a look at,

so I'll just--
- [Tom] Three, four.

- [Crow And Tom] (singing while tapping)

♫ Dadadada dadadada
dadadada dadadada dadadada ♫

- Oh! Your Honor.

- [Mike] Ah.

- Oh, okay.

We'll be right back.
- [Tom] Three, four.

- [Crow And Tom] (singing while tapping)

♫ Dadadada dadadada
dadadada dadadada dadadada ♫

- Oh.

(high-tech music)

(Mike inhales and exhales)

- Um, Mike, it's over, huh?

- [Tom] Hey, Lord of the Pants,
can you tear yourself away

from yourself for a minute?

We got someone calling from the planet.

- Hello.

- Oh, hello, Mike.

- I should say, hello Mike.

Hello--
- I don't think so.

Hello, Mike.
- Hello, Mike.

- Hello, Mike.
(arguing)

- Hey, what the Sam Hill is going on?

Where's Mrs. F?

- Pain--

- Do you mind terribly if I explain?

- No, be my guest.

You're not in charge.

Not in charge.

- Die.

Mike, Pearl is driving those
horrid little children home

and Bobo here who, by the
way, is not at all smelly

or riddled with infection,
simply cannot accept the fact

that I am in charge.

- You are not.

- I am, too.

Read the note.

- What is it?

(making noises as he reads)

- It says, while I'm away,
the Brain Guy is in charge.

- It does not, give me that note.

(making noises as he reads)

It says you're a dodo head.

- I'm dodo head?

Of all the mitigated gall.

You're the dodo head.
- You're the dodo head.

- No, you're the dodo head.

- Dodo, dodo

- Hey, hey, hey, not
that I care, but you guys

are gonna have to figure
out how to get along

until she gets back.

Is there something you can do
where nobody's in charge, hmm?

- Well, she did leave
us this list of tasks,

perhaps we could divide those up.

- Fine, you're not in charge.

He's not in charge.

- Oh, great, many of these tasks seem

to pertain to you, Bobo.

- Well, I'm very delicate.

- Each morning begins
with a tick bath for Bobo,

then while he's still groggy,

push worm medicine down his throat.

- I have worms (laughing).

- Then mash 65 bananas by
hand, cover with honey,

and sprinkle with termites.

- I won't eat them any other way.

- Then apply a generous
portion of ointment to his--

Oh, no!

- Oh you have to!

- No!

Mike, I can tolerate this ape no more.

I appeal to you as a
somewhat higher being,

promptly come down here, and,
well, just come down here.

(pop)
There you are.

- Ha.

- Now see, he wants me to
apply ointment to his--see.

- Oh come on, it's not so bad.

There are worse places to apply ointment

- Ohohohoho.

- Okay, I'll tell you what I see.

I see here that there are
a lot of underlying issues

and I don't think we can move
on until we get past those.

- Uh-huh.

- Ringo, why don't you start.

- Okay, well, it's like
ever since I met these two,

the whole world revolves
around Bobo's hygiene.

It's endless supply of tick
baths and flea powderings

and swollen things, I just--

- You know, Mike,
sometimes I get the feeling

he doesn't even care about my hygiene.

- Well, frankly his daily
cleaning rituals disgust me.

- Well, at least with me they get done.

- What are you implying?

- I'm implying B.O.!

- B.O?

- Uh-huh uh-huh.

- Well, that's absurd, I
don't even have a body!

- Now, Brain Guy, I think
we need to get past that.

Tell you what, as a gesture,
why don't you smell yourself.

- No!

- Please, in the interest
of peace, smell yourself.

- Oh, very well.

(sniff)

Oh my god, I do stink.

Oh, so sorry, this is embarrassing.

- See, this is a real breakthrough,

I think it's a beautiful moment.

I'll tell you what, why
don't you grab your brain

and head up to the satellite
and watch that movie of yours

and think about this moment.

- Thank, thank you, Mike.

It's called "Jack Frost," by the way,

that's a Russian-Finnish co-production.

- Right.

- Think I will enjoy it immensely.

(laughs) Thank you, thank you for this.

- This is great.

(pop)

- Woohoohoohoo!

(high-five)

Damn, stinky Brain Guy (laughs).

- [Tom] Oh, you do smell, really.

(alarm)
Movie sign!

- Movie sign!

- Movie sign.

Ah!
- Wait a minute, what am I-

Nelson, get up here!

(metal door opens)

(metal squeaks and pops)

(door slams open)

(computer beeps)

(metal door slides)

(beep, beep)

(metal door opens loudly)

(metal door opens)

- [Tom] Oh, good one, Mike.

- (laughs) Yeah, I almost
got the Brain Guy in here.

(soft music)

- [Tom] Could eat no frost.

- [Crow] Oh, (laughs).

- [Mike] These names are all Russian

for Allen Smithy. (laughs)

(snores)

- [Tom] Hey, Tom Petty.

♫ It's alright if you love me ♫

(mosquito)

Hey listen, it's Spock
in really fast motion.

(snores)

(sneezes)

- [Tom] Ah, Rosanne,

- [Mike] My (mumbles) daughter has a cold.

- [Woman On Screen] Hey, come
on, old man, steal yourself.

- (man groans)

- [Crow] C'mon, I wanna reproduce again.

- [Woman On Screen] The
mosquitoes are stinging

my darling little Marfushka, okay?

And I can't sleep.

- Oh, no listen (clears throat), alright,

I didn't say a word.

- [Tom] Great, I bet Pippy
Longstocking's in this.

Tend your koala bear and
eat these eucalyptus leaves.

(Marfushka groans)

- [Tom] Oh, kielbasa belch.

(Woman on Screen sings)

- [Tom] Arsenic sucker, that should do it.

- [Mike] Is this a bio
pic of Holly Hobbie?

- [Tom] The story of a
hundred year old couple

who give birth to a giant infant.

(Woman on screen hums)

(bed squeaks)

- [Crow] Don't wave Grandma's
funk over here, please.

- [Tom] I'm a domestic goddess.

- What are you doing there, Nastenka?

- Just knitting Marfushka's new stocking.

- Knitting it.

- [Tom] Why is the coat rack on fire?

- You told me to knit some stockings--

- Be quiet.

- [Crow] All you novitiates are trouble.

- I told you to knit, but I never told you

to click your needles like that, did I?

Before you know, you'll
wake my little darling.

- Can she really hear
that through those walls?

- She certainly can!
- [Crow] Ah!

- You work by day like a young man

so you can sleep by night.

- [Crow] Ah.

- My little Marfushka cannot be a man.

She must not be, she has
to rest by day so at night

the slightest noise wakes her.

(blows)

- [Tom] Um, panic cooking?

- [Crow] Let's go eat some fish.

(footsteps)

(door opens)

- Here's a place where
you can knit Nastenka,

and you won't wake my
darling little Marfushka.

The moon is out. There's plenty of light.

- [Mike] The mobile's on fire, it's great.

- It's peaceful and it's nice and cooler.

(dog barks)

- [Tom] Beat it, Grandma.

- Be quiet.

(dog growls lowly)
- [Mike] Back into Harpo's

chest.

- You give me so much work.

- [Crow] This is the factory
where they make Beanie Babies.

- [Tom] Jack Klugman.

- You must be finished by
the time the rooster crows,

you hear me?

- [Crow] Okay Mom, thanks.

- Otherwise my precious little girl,

I will tear your braid off.

- [Crow] ♫ M is for the
many times you beat me ♫

(door closes)

♫ O is for the other times you beat me ♫

- Jappa, Jappa.

(soft music)

Shh.

(man groans)

- [Crow] Oh, their other puppy, he's cute.

- [Crow] I gotta sneak down
to the convenience store

and go to the bathroom.

- [Mike] I wish she'd take
that mouse out of her mouth.

(slurps)

- [Tom] ♫ Don't come around here no more ♫

- [Crow] You keep knitting
and knitting and knitting.

(snores)

- [Crow] Ah, Penny Marshall
was an adorable child.

- [Tom] You want a stinkin' sock?

I'll knit you a stinkin' sock,
here's your stinkin' sock.

- [Crow] Oh, those are fly
specks they've been aiming.

- [Mike] She's so hideous when she sleeps.

- [Tom] Surge!

- [Crow] Mm, liver on a stick.

- [Tom] Danny Bonaduce is Sleeping Beauty.

- [Crow] With God as my witness,
I'll never go hungry again.

So, the first plot point
involves knitting socks.

I think we're in for quite a ride, guys.

- [Mike] You bet.

(wings flutter)

- [Voiceover] Boy, I say boy.

- Down, Tanushka.

- [Crow] It's Rex, ma'am

(squawk)

- Give me a little time,
please pretty rooster.

Please, I've only got one row to knit.

(indiscernible rooster chatter)

- [Crow] You can talk to
my supervisor if you like.

- [Tom] Mm, Claritin-D.

- [Mike] Wow, the sun's really bookin'.

- [Tom] Chickens, lock up your daughters,

I'm on the prowl (laughs).

Hey, hey, honey, where ya
going, you wanna come in?

(running footsteps)

- [Crow] Oh, she's mooning us.

- Have mercy, rosy fingered dawn.

Have mercy on me, oh rising golden sun.

- [Tom] And you are?

- Wait 'til I'm done
knitting these stockings.

Otherwise I'll be punished severely.

Stepmother said she
will tear off my braid.

- [Crow] (whistle) This
is the sun, your call

is very important to us,

but due to an unusually
high call volume...

- [Tom] Oh, the world's
turning into chaos,

earthquakes, flood, but that's fine,

you knit your sock.

(soft piano music)

- [Nastenka] Thank you rosy fingered dawn.

- [Crow] Some day I'll return the favor.

(rooster squawks)

- [Crow] Now I've gotta
keep stirring the sauce,

deliver these guns to Jimmy, and uh--

- [Tom] I heard that.

- [Nastenka] My darling
bird with the golden cone

(rooster squawks)

I'm so happy, my pretty one.

Thank you, it's done.

- [Tom] Yeah, sure, do
you know any foxy hens?

Hey.

- You see, I'm finished.

- You lazy girl, have you finished yet?

- Look.

- So you did it on time,
why you wicked little viper,

you, you wicked little witch.

I'll give you much harder work next time.

In the mean time, go feed the
chickens, water the cattles,

split the wood, and sweep the yard.

- Oh.

- [Crow] You know, Mike,

I think I just don't like
evil Russo Finnish grandmas.

♫ Take this job and shove it ♫

- Yeah, bushka,
(dog whines)

(rooster crows)

- [Crow] How 'bout a little
sugar for the rooster?

(rooster crows)

- [Crow] This is a test of the
emergency broadcast chicken.

(rooster crows)

- [Tom] Man, Peter must be walking

around denying everybody this morning.

(rooster Crow)

- [Voiceover] On the very same
morning of the very same day.

- [Tom] (clears throat and
Crows like a rooster) (laughs).

- [Mike] Mornin'

- [Tom] Mornin'

- [Crow] Hey, watch it.

(chicken clucks)

- [Tom] Well, the chores
are done for the day,

I think I'll go nap off
a bottle of Finlandia.

- [Mike] He's got June Allison hair.

- [Crow] (laughs)

- Ivan, my son.

- Yes, Mama, what is it now?

- [Crow] Bring these bags to be recycled.

- You must take care.

- Don't worry.

- You mustn't forget your mother, Ivan.

- [Ivan] Don't worry.

- [Crow] Or me, Jerry Quarry.

- You mustn't harm the weak.

- [Ivan] Don't worry!

- Honor those who are old.

- [Ivan] Don't worry.

- [Crow] Just going to get a paper.

And I even made him
Lunchables (pretend crying).

- [Group Of Men] We will
rob him, we won't rob him,

- [Tom] Damn hobbits.

- [Men] we will eat
them, we won't eat them--

- [Crow] The Ozark
Mountain Daredevils plan

their next album.

- [Men] will be eaten (growl).

- [Crow] Oh sorry, that was me.

- [Men] We will rob him, we won't rob him,

we will eat them, we won't eat them--

- [Crow] Hey, wake up and go to sleep.

- [Tom] Oh oh oh oh oh, look.

- [Men] We will rob them.

- [Crow] Mm, that's their outhouse.

- [Tom] Why?

Finland is bad this year.

(groans)

- [Crow] Oh wait, today it's clock clock.

(whistles)

- [Crow] Um, I lost a Titleist
three down here, anyone?

- [Mike] This is the early
version of Snow White,

called "Snow White and the
One Normal-Size Person."

- [Tom] Oh what a beautiful
(nonsensical words),

oh what a beautiful (nonsensical words)

(whistles)

- [Mike] A wandering youth minister.

(whistles)

- Halt!

- Halt!

- [Crow] Get a haircut, hippie.

(horses run)

- You're captured!

- [Crow] The human schnauzer.

- And now, young man,
we're going to rob you.

- You mean that?

- Yes, we do.

- [Tom] Ah, ha.

- Alright, rob me.

- [Crow] I'll strip if you want me to.

(Group of men yell)

You know, I think I'd rather be hog piled

by actual hogs.

- [Tom] (laughs)

(high-tech music)

(group of men yell)

- [Crow] Wow, that's the
biggest clove I've ever seen.

- [Tom] Uh-oh, he's
ignoring his mom's advice,

don't throw cudgels in the air.

(men chatter in background)

- [Crow] Uh, did somebody
drop some femurs over here?

- [Tom] I think he's missed
the point of juggling.

- [Mike] And they're frantically
hoping he has a louse comb.

(men argue)

He's got Playboys.

- [Tom] I'm gonna keep doing
this 'til someone notices me.

- [Crow] Then celebrate the new year

by hurling giant beef
steaks high into the air.

(rising music)

- [Tom] Wow, listen to
the bass on those cudgels.

- [Crow] You didn't tell
us you were mystical.

- Why don't those clubs come down again?

- (laughs) Just wait my
eager little bandits.

They'll come home next winter.

- Next winter?

- That's right

[Man] Oh.

- [Tom] Now quit bouncing
and behaving, boy.

(whistles)

- Next winter, he says.

- Did you see that,
men, that takes muscle.

He's strong alright.

(men all chatter at once)

- [Crow] (barking like a dog)

- That's odd.

- [Crow] The guy you told, dwarfs.

- [Voiceover] How long
did our young hero, Ivan,

wander over hill and dell,
frankly, we have no idea.

- [Tom] Who's talking?

- [Crow] (laughs)

- [Voiceover] The fact remains
that Ivan eventually reached

far away and unknown lands.

- [Mike] And the cudgels
came down way earlier

the next winter and
named several children.

(upbeat dreamy music)

- Ivan Rushka.

- [Crow] I have a new church hat.

- [Tom] Yeah, I've eaten
those and had this happen.

- [Voiceover] Ivan Rushka,

- [Tom] So what does a mushroom
eat for hallucinations?

- [Crow] I think they lick toads.

- [Voiceover] Ivan Rushka.

- [Tom] My hair was talking to me.

(dreamy music)

- [Mike] Nah, I always pick
that little guy off my pizza.

- [Crow] Ivan Rushka,
try me on a plaza burger.

- [Tom] Are you freaking out yet?

- [Ivan] Alright, who's playing
hide and seek with me now?

(Tom mumbles)

- You?

- [Tom] Cute outfit.

- [Mushroom] Yes.

- Are you a sorcerer, Granddaddy?

- I dabble in sorcery a little,

but the truth is, that I get bored.

- You get bored?

- I get bored.

- [Crow] You get bored?

- Come on, play with me, lets play hide

and seek together.

- (laughs) With you?

Play hide and seek?

- [Granddad] Yes.
- You're joking.

I'd catch you in no time.

- Think so?

- Yes, I think so.

- If you catch me, I'll
give you a well-bent bow

and some nice straight arrows.

Is that a bargain?

- It's a bargain, Father Mushroom.

- [Crow] I thought Jerry Garcia

was Father Mushroom (laughs).

- [Tom] Finally I have a boyfriend.

I'm Hans, oh forget it.

- [Crow] I'm gonna go
hunt for your cousin,

Cornsmut, instead.

(upbeat dreamy music)

- [Tom] You twisted little
woodear, I'm gonna--

(hums)

- [Mike] Frodo gets drunk and
screws with his neighbors.

(dreamy harp music)

- [Tom] ♫ I'm goofy guy, goofy guy

♫ Goofy, funny, work is seen

♫ Funny guy oh oh oh oh oh

♫ funny goofy, funny scene,

♫ ahahahaha goofy, funny scene ♫

- Ivan Rushka.

- [Crow] If disappearing
elf hide-and-seek were

in the Olympics, Finland
would be in great shape.

- [Tom] Yeah.

- [Mike] Ah, I gotta go toss a cudgel.

- [Crow] The movie that
dares to ask the question,

will he find the dwarf?

- [Mike] If I catch you,
you're in my omelet so fast.

- Can't catch me, can't
catch me, can't catch me.

- [Tom] He's so mature.

- [Crow] You're going down Mushroom boy,

you mincing little fungus.

- [Father Mushroom] Well,
you didn't catch me.

- [Ivan] Alright, you win.

- Good boy, Ivan, since
you admit you lost,

I'm going to give you
the things I promised.

(bell rings)

- [Mike] Then we shall
drink Tranya, ahahaha.

- [Tom] Wow, dad, it's a daisy.

- Oh, it's a miracle, ah.

- Ah, without miracles, where would we be?

- Oh, you're a real magician.

- [Crow] Yeah, start runnin', 'shroom.

(guitar string)

(hit tree)

- [Crow] Wow, it barely works.

- Ivan?

- [Ivan] Yes.

- Come back here.

- Why?

- You have forgotten the
most important thing, Ivan.

- What have I forgotten?

- You forgot to say thank
you to a very old man.

You should bow your
head down to the ground.

- Those who bow run the
risk of losing their head.

- Ivan?

- The bear will bow before
you if you like, not Ivan.

- [Father Mushroom] And so be it.

- [Crow] So-viets?

- [Father Mushroom] It will
come to pass, as you say.

- [Tom] Might get that,
huh, it's a commie movie.

- Your head will bow before
me down to the ground.

But it is your back that will bend.

- [Crow] We now end our
elf broadcast day, ding.

- [Mike] Yeah, now he's
haunted by other vegetables

he didn't eat as a child.

- [Crow] (laughs) he's pursued by

a demonic little Brussels sprout.

- [Tom] A fidic lima bean.

(humming)

- [Mike] Yeah, that
looks like crazy horse.

- [Crow] Uh-huh.

- [Tom] Okay, movie, we can
wait as long as your can.

- [Mike] Come on.

- [Crow] Heckle and Jeckle
in "The 10 Commandments."

- [Mike] It's a fish boil recipe.

- [Ivan] Find a feather in the field

and throw it to the winds.

If you follow that feather,
you will find your destiny.

- [Crow] Touch any part of
this rock for more information.

- [Mike] Great, still don't
know where the men's room is.

- [Crow] Am I Kirok?

- [Tom] He takes it to me
he should feather his hair.

(inquisitive music and buzzing)

- [Mike] What is that?

Spaceships landing?

- [Crow] Hey, Ron, I'm
lookin' at your butt (laughs).

- [Tom] No, I meant balloons kill them.

(birds caw)

- [Crow] Oh that's always nice, good work.

- [Mike] It was a good ride, uh.

- [Tom] Thanks for the feather,
you can go back up now.

- [Crow] I just read
something about feathers,

what was that?

(dreamy music)

- [Tom] Now go find Forrest Gump,

stick him in the eye and kill him!

- [Crow] There's a feathercraft
approaching, Captain.

- [Mike] It's looking for a
Duncan Hines cake to slice.

- [Crow and Tom] (airplane engine)

(birds chirp)

- [Crow] Ah, he's a worthy
adversary, that feather is.

- [Tom] Ahaha.

- [Mike] Oh, my destiny
sucks, it's a swamp.

(dreamy music)

- [Tom] Hey, the Petersons
put their boat out.

(Nastenka singing in Russian)

- [Mike] Hildegard von Bingen, unplugged.

(Nastenka singing in Russian)

- [Crow] I have terminal
enchantment right now.

- [Tom] (singing along)
♫ I'd like to be the girl

♫ with the most cake ♫

(humming)

- [Crow] I think your adorability
is crashing in on itself.

(Nastenka singing in Russian)

- [Tom] Ah, please, ma'am,
my ears are bleeding.

- [Tom] Ah, she's a castrate.

(Nastenka singing in Russian)

- [Crow] She's retaining
a lot of water (laughs)

- [Tom] ♫ The minute you
walked in the joint, barump ♫

- [Mike] Think she's
headed for the vodka well.

- [Crow] That's a girl,
I thought I was a girl.

(metal door slam)

(squeaky metal)

(metal door slam)

(computer beep)

(metal door sliding)

(door slam)

(squeaky sliding metal door)

(doors closing)

(door closing)

- Great news, Mike.

Through the magic of the
hex field view screen,

I got an expert to clarify

some of the questions
raise by today's movie.

- Oh, really, great.

- Yeah, thanks to the money
from digging into your wallet,

I was able to raise the money to bring us

the distinguished Russian
poet, author, and professor.

- [Tom] Pushkin?

- [Mike] Solzhenitsyn?

- Yakov Smirnoff.

(metal door sliding open)

- Mr. Smirnoff, thank you for taking time

from your busy schedule to
answer some of our questions.

- No problem.

- Now, Mr. Smirnoff, let
me cite Joseph Campbell,

who says that each culture
establishes archetypes,

which embody that particular culture.

How does that apply in
the film "Jack Frost"?

- Well you see, in your country,
you wait in line at bank.

In our country, we wait in line for bread.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, well, uh, yeah,
well, how does that relate

to the diminishment of Russo-Finnish ties?

- In your country, the man shave.

In my country, we wish
the women would shave.

(audience laughing)

- (laughs) Well, well,
naturally that speaks

to the political structure that attempted

to suppress such cultural
expression, right?

- In your country, you
see movie "The Rock".

In our country, we
break rock into goulash.

- Alright, Smirnoff, I want
my $25,000 lecture fee back!

- $25,000?

It's okay, Mike,

I put it on your credit card--

- In your country--
- Oh, shut up!

- We'll be right back.

- You know you can kiss that
cheese tray goodbye, pal.

- But I have contract.

- Yeah, you have contract.

Well, I'll tell you what you
can do with your contract.

(high tech music)

(water sloshing)

- [Crow] Eh, Yakov, what a ripoff.

- [Mike] Yeah.

(birds chirping)

- [Tom] Gonna make some hooch (laughs).

- [Crow] You know making
her empty the river

is just busy work.

And it runs back down the hill.

- [Tom] Oh, I don't mean to
push, but are my socks done yet?

(water sloshing)

- [Ivan] How do you do,
my pretty little Nay?

- [Crow] Well, there's a
bull snake on her neck.

- [Ivan] You're the prettiest
little thing I've ever seen.

(water sloshing)

- Well, don't be afraid of me.

Look at me, my pretty one.

Look at me, look at me all you like.

- [Mike] Do I look like Simon Le Bon?

- Now, am I not worth looking at?

- I have no time to speak
to you, I've got to work.

- [Tom] I'm a welder by
day and a dancer by night.

(birds chirping)

- [Ivan] What are you doing?

[Nastenka] I'm watering this old stump.

- [Ivan] How long will
you go on watering it?

- [Crow] I mean, how dumb are you?

- [Nastenka] I'll water
it until flowers start

to bloom on it.

- [Ivan] Flowers?

- [Nastenka] My step-mother told me to.

- [Ivan] You must have a
very wicked step-mother.

- [Tom] Yep, standard issue.

- [Nastenka] Step-mothers
are step-mothers.

- What's your name?

- [Tom] What a conniving face.

- Well, my name is Nastya.

- Nastya?

- Um-hmm.

- [Crow] Miss Jackson if ya nasty.

- That's not what everybody calls me.

- [Mike] She looks like a gray.

- My father calls me Nastenka.

- Nastenka.

- [Tom] It means step-water.

- Sister says Nastka.

Step-mother calls me viper--

- [Crow] Which is totally bogus.

- And sometimes little witch.

- Nastenka, darling,

will you marry me?

- [Tom] Um, I'm nine.

- You're in a terrible hurry.

- Well, I'm not crippled
or cross-eyed, am I?

- I know you're not.

- [Crow] (laughs) But what am I?

- I don't think we would ever
make a good couple, though.

- What do you mean?

- Why, you're a braggart, I'm not.

- So you think I'm a braggart.

I'll have you know I
really can do everything.

- [Nastenka] Oh?

- [Ivan] Yes, I'm a very good plowman,

nobody can out fight me, I'm
a good worker, a fisherman,

and a dancer.

And a hunter.

Here, I'll show you.

- [Crow] A dancer, I buy.

(bears growling)

- I'll shoot that bear
down with only one arrow.

- No, don't don't do that, she has cubs!

- Cubs?

Well, what if she--

- Japa, Japa, Japa!

- [Tom] I'm piddling.

(dog barking)

- Uh, hey, no (groans)!

- [Crow] Ben, Ben, Ben.

(ding)
Paul Williams.

(dreamy music)

- Ah.
- Ah.

- Nastenka

- [Tom] Was her bucket full of Rogaine.

- [Ivan] What's the matter?

- [Crow] Am I unbearable? (laughs)

- [Ivan] Nastenka,

Nastenka

- [Tom] Oh, I'm very intolerant.

(slow music)

Oh, salmon breath.

- [Tom] Let me get you some grubs.

- [Crow] You looks at your lips

and tell me if you're breathing?

- [Ivan] She is alive.

- [Tom] Oh no, I lost my hat!
(growling)

- [Crow] Dammit puck, this
time you've gone too far.

- [Ivan] What did you do to me?

What have you done, you witch?

- [Tom] Mommy (fake crying).

I've gotta go find a pic-a-nic basket.

- [Nastenka] Ivan Rushka!

- [Crow] We have to register at club wed!

- [Nastenka] Ivan Rushka,

I swear I didn't do anything to you!

- [Ivan] I curse you, I curse you forever!

You witch!

(growling)

- [Tom] Hey, you can always
get a job as a sports mascot.

Tonight on a very special "Grizzly Adams".

(Ivan growling)

- [Crow] Panakuken.

- [Mike] Every time I meet a
man he's either gay or a bear.

- [Tom] A tribute to eurasian nailfoil.

- [Crow] With retsin.

Again, with retsin.

Retsin.

- [Crow] The KGB has
her under surveillance!

(dreamy music)
- [Tom] (humming with music)

- [Crow] Gross.

I should've married
him, I'm getting so old.

(Tom hums)

Well, she shouldn't cry,

there's always Jerry Lee
Lewis, or Jerry Seinfeld,

or Ben Kingsley (laughs).

- [Mike] Hello, hello.

Russo-Finnish co-production?

(Ivan hums)

- [Crow] Mm, get me some
french-fried potatoes mm.

- [Ivan] I kill you with
an arrow and you ruin me

with a feather.

- [Mike] It's funny
when you think about it.

(Ivan groaning)

- [Tom] You know, back
when they didn't know

about costuming, they actually had to find

a half-man, half-bear.

- [Crow] I've got to learn how to ride

a tricycle in a hurry.

Warning, hang trees in food, hey.

- [Ivan] Like a bear, you
wouldn't have the head of a bear.

- [Tom] Forgot to read the fine ruins.

(ominous music)

- [Mike] Sort of a bloated
mouth-breathing bear, but a bear.

(Ivan groans)

- [Father Mushroom] Ivan,
Ivan with the head of a bear.

- [Crow] Yeah, bite me, Wokhead.

- Forgive me Father
Mushroom, forgive me, please.

- You see, Ivan, things have come to pass

amd the bear bows his head to the ground,

but it's your back that bends.

- Oh, teach me how to be reasonable and

first of all, tell me
exactly what I should do so

that I may be a man again.

- Alright listen, vagabond
with the head of a bear,

just look at yourself and ask--

- [Tom] Do I crap in the woods?

- How did you live?

You see you spent all of your
time boasting to everybody.

You loved yourself.

You loved only yourself,
you offended everyone else.

- [Crow] Heed these words, Mike.

- Your hurt her feelings.

- I hurt her feelings?

- [Father Mushroom] Ah, you've never done

a good deed, Ivan-- now here's my answer.

Here's my advice to you,
although I'm wondering

whether you can understand it.

- [Ivan] Of course I understand it.

- [Mike] I'm a great understander.

- I'll just go and do a good deed.

When I've done a good deed,
I'll get my own head back.

- Ivan, Ivan!

- [Crow] You can make a
lot of money wrestling.

- You haven't understood anything.

(explosion)

- [Tom] Oh, I didn't know

there were that many land
mines left in Narnia.

(high-tech music)

(upbeat flute music)

- [Father Mushroom] Oh but I like it, too.

- [Crow] Hello, Jeremy, what
good deeds can I do for you?

- [Mike] Well, you can stop crapping

on our playground, for one.

(children yelling)

- [Ivan] Stop! Wait!

Don't run away!

- [Tom] He's out running a
really slow quarter horse

at this point.

- [Ivan] Wait, I want to
do a good deed for you!

Wait! Wait!

- [Crow] When animals attack.

Now go into slow motion and
you'll hear Barber's adagio

for strings as he tears them apart.

(children yelling)

- [Ivan] Ohhhh!

- [Tom] Now he falls right on bear plop.

- [Crow] Um, Ricola, Mueslix?

- [Tom] Charlie was
close, I could feel it.

Oh, there's my wallet.

- [Crow] As the Easter egg
hunt goes into its 48th week.

(bear growling)

- [Tom] Friend good.

Ah, the perfect speaker stand finally.

And here that foot stool
I've always wanted.

- [Crow] Ah, you know?

- [Tom] Ah (laughs).

(bear growling)

- [All Three] Awwww (laugh).

- [Mike] I'll take this back to the lab

and see if it's edible or not.

- [Tom] Hurry, the DNR's coming,

load up the truck and get outta here.

(both girls screaming)

- [Crow] Icky, boys, eww!

- [Mike] Delayed reaction syndrome.

- [Both Girls] There's a bear!

- [Tom] Quick, there's a sale on babushkas

at Bloomingdales, please (laughs).

(girls scream)

- [Crow] Chernoble's exploding
again, let's go watch!

(girls scream)

- [Tom] I could watch this
scene play out all day.

(birds chirp)

- [Mike] Well, how not to be seen.

So what, are we looking
for Waldo here or what?

- [Tom] Anthony! Anthony!

- [Mike] It's Prince Spaghetti Day here

in the Italian north end of the swamp.

- Good morning little flowers,
little flowers on the stump.

- [Crow] Yeah, you got the money?

- [Mike] Oh, well just
make yourself at home.

- Every single day I come to see you.

Every single day I come to talk to you.

I hope that I'm not bothering you.

- [Tom] Have a seat in the waiting room

and one of our flowers will
be with you in a moment.

- It's alright?

- [Crow] ♫ It's okay, Ewing,
I'm in love with you ♫

- Tell me little flowers,

is Ivan still living today?

- [Mike, Tom, Crow] (crosstalk)

- [Tom] Definitely yes, I don't know,

- [Crow] Yeah, you wanna take this?

- He's alive?

- [Crow] We didn't say that.

- He must be angry with me, I suppose.

- [Tom] I need to check with
our flowers on the street.

- You mean he's not?

- [Tom] Hey, I'm just asking
for a straight answer,

don't bust my chops, man.

- Now, tell me, will be ever meet?

- [Crow] Our lawyers have
advised us not to comment.

- [Mike] Ew, what am I kneeling in?

- [Crow] Yes, look for
the answer in the algae.

- [Tom] ♫ From the land
of sky blue waters ♫

- [Ivan] (growling)

- [Tom] I mean where else are you going

to do a butt in the woods?

- [Ivan] Charity dear little
sisters, dear little brothers.

Charity dear little sisters,
dear little brothers.

Charity, give us arms, for without us

you could not prove your charity.

- [Crow] Great, Shakespeare in the Park.

- [Ivan] Give to a poor orphan
who is homeless, penniless,

crippled, and blind.

Give to the poor, the blind, and the deaf.

- [Voiceover] How much
have you in your cup?

- Not a copper, not--

- Ah.

- [Voiceover] If that's
the case, here's a copper.

- [Tom] Now shut up.

- Oh, to do a good deed, I suppose

that one copper isn't enough.

Where are you going?

- [Boy] A werewolf!

(out of breath) run for your lives!

- [Mike] Regain your sight
and grow your leg back.

- [Boy] A werewolf!

- [Crow] A werebear, actually.

- [Boy] A werewolf!

- [Tom] Oh, like you're such a hunk.

- [Ivan] (groaning)
What kind of a good deed

will I have to do?

- [Crow] ♫ What kind of bear am I ♫

- [Mike] Yogurt is not a finger food.

- How sweet.

Naska!

Let's have the braid, quickly.

- [Tom] Beauty consultant, Mrs. Christian.

- Here.

- Mama, why not smear her eyebrows?

- Ah-ha.

- [Crow] Why is she putting
Bisquick on her face?

- [Step-Mother and Marfushka] (laughs)

- [Tom] Why are you so mean
to me, tonta Earnest Borgnine?

- (laughing) Oh, how
lovely you look (laughing).

- [Marfushka] Mama--

- [Tom] Don't let your
babies grow up to be cowboys.

- [Marfushka] Naska's braid
is nicer than mine is.

- [Step-mother] Yours is worth more,

it was bought at the fair.

- I want you to cut off
her braid at the root!

- What could I drag her by

without a braid on her head, I ask.

- [Marfushka] Cut it off!

- I know, I'll put a rag
over her braid to hide it.

- [Marfushka] Alright then, hide it.

- [Crow] Alfalfa's greatest role.

- [Mike] I should have
these caterpillars removed.

- Ah, you munch and guzzle, eh,

it's much easier than working.

- [Crow] Munch and guzzle, what the he--

- There, you see, now you're
dressed for housework.

And now, my darling, you put this on.

- [Tom] It's a Burger King birthday crown.

(Crow laughs).

- Like a princess, darling,
exactly like a princess, yeah?

- Really?

- [Mike] Yeah, I am
pretty hot, aren't I, ugh.

(mother laughing)

- A princess (laughs)

- (laughs) A little red.

- [Crow] And now a bag over
the head completes the look.

- I'm all tired and I'm sweating

- [Tom] It's like having
Andrea Dorkin make you over.

- Nope, not a princess.

- [Tom] She's got that healthy clown glow.

- Oh, no?

- You are a queen,

- [Mike] In that you look
like Freddie Mercury.

- [Crow] She should just
start over from gene one.

- Hmm.

- [Ivan] What kind of good deed can I do?

- [Tom] Maybe negotiate
lasting peace in the mideast?

- [Crow] She's on her way back
from her stick distributor.

- [Tom] Not a very good canoe.

- Ah, I can't walk another step.

- Poor granny, here let me help you.

- Yes, my boy, help me and
it will be a good deed.

- [Ivan] It would be a good
deed, oh, I'd be glad to help.

I need to do a good deed.

- Good boy.

- I need to very badly.

Get on.

- What do I get on?

- [Ivan] On my back.

- On your back?

(laughing)

- Hang on.

- [Mike] It's like bear transit.

- [Ivan] Do you live
far from here, Granny?

- [Granny] Oh yes, very,
very far just up the mountain

and down again and up the
mountain on the other side.

- [Ivan] Hey, that sounds very good.

[Granny] Well if you
think so, that's fine,

but don't get all in a sweat.

- [Ivan] Go?

- [Granny] Giddy up, let's go.

Let me tell you...

- [Tom] Babe!

- [Tom, Mike, Crow] Oh
no, babe (pretend crying).

- Works day and night, sews
and knits all the time except

in the morning when
she gulps down her tea.

Lights the fire and gets the breakfast.

Then she mops the floor and then,

when the breakfast is ready, she--

- I tell you she's a marvel,
she's perfect in ever respect.

And no dream princess could be lovelier.

(two women laughing)

- [Mike] And she's
available for sale or lease.

(hits wooden spoon on table)

- This matchmaker can certainly talk.

I think there was
something else we wanted.

- Yes.

- We hear you have another daughter.

- Uh.

- Good lord, people say
the craziest things.

I am Mama's only daughter,
the other one's not my sister.

- That's alright, we'll have
a look at the other one,

if you don't mind.

- Mama.

- [Crow] Uh-oh, there's a ripple

in the daughter market today.

- Well, alright.

- You'll see her since you insist.

Nastenka, Nastenka,

Nastenka

- [Tom] Quick, put the dog in a dress!

- Nashka,

come here.

- [Mike] Well, thanks for listening,

just my fleas got me down.

- (growl) Get in there you little viper.

- [Crow] Somebody needs viping.

- Nastenka, sweet heart
of mine, my honey child.

Come let these folks look at you.

- [Crow] Larry Drake and Vanessa Redgrave.

- Um-hmm.

No matchmaker, this one won't do it all.

She looks like a scarecrow.

- [Mike] Now get out there and
do something Russo-Finnish.

- Yes, our little idiot is
really horrible looking.

- [Crow] Geez (laughs)

- Image of her father.

- I'll--

(Stepmother huffs)

I won't say it, I'll be quiet.

- [Crow] Cabbage burp (fake burp).

- Alright, now start the
feast, my dear guests.

- That's what I've been waiting
for, I drink to your health.

- [Woman In Light Blue) That's very well,

but my son likes goose giblets,
that's his favorite dish.

- Ah, yes.

- [Crow] Ah, Andy (indiscernible).

Nastka?

- [Woman in Light Blue] Ah,
no, your lovely daughter

should take care of it, it's up to her.

That's the custom you know.

- Mama.

- [Woman In Light Blue] That
way my son and I can see

what kind of a bride we're getting.

- [Crow] Some day I'll be a real boy.

- [Marfushka] Hm.

(high-tech music)

- Well, Tom, I suppose
we should to check in

with those two and see--
- Little problem here, guys.

I'm a bear.

- [Tom] Oh, I'm so sure.

- Yep, I'm a bear.

That little, uh, you know,
that-that Mushroom head elf guy?

- [Mike] Uh-huh.
- You know?

- [Mike] Yeah.
- He did it.

- Oh, huh, and uh, where did this happen?

- Just, you know, around.

Shh, some luck, huh?

- [Mike] Yeah.

You sure you didn't just hot
glue some fur to yourself?

- Hey, I wish.

- (laughs) Yeah, well, huh, a bear.

Well, we better check in with these two,

see how the peace process is going.

- [Tom] Bear, huh, what a feeb.

- Grr.

(slurping food)

- Oh, sorry.

- Well, thank you

Oh you're welcome, and thank
you for laundering your cape.

- Oh well, think nothing of it.

- Ah, yeah, would you
like some mashed banana?

- Uh, no no no no no

- Oh, you're sure about that?

It's nice and rotten, ah.

I don't eat it 'til the
fruit flies come a'buzzin'.

That's good eatin'.

- I'm sure that it is, but--

yum.

- (laughs) Yeah, yeah.

So, what are you up to?

- Oh, I'm reading the
entire galactic library

of the Venuzian eight
system at once with my mind.

- Ah, oh, nice.

- Yes.

- Are there pictures?

- Ah, several trillion, yes.

- Oh (laughs).

Oh say, my toe's feeling better. (laughs)

Most of the seep had just dried up.

- Well, uh, hallelujah (laughs).

(crows caw in distance)

(whistles)

- Do you

do you find that uh,

oh, that the law giver can be

mean sometimes?

- Well, it's against my
culture to gossip, I--

- oh sure, but do you?

- Yes, she can really be a
stone cold witch some times.

- I know and she can be so condescending.

- Oh, precisely, it's
like oh, I'm so great

and I don't have--

- Oh, would you look at that, looks like

those two finally found
something in common.

- Mike help!

- Oh ate half of me and
then buried me in the dirt.

- [Tom] Oh, not bad.

- Crow, what is wrong with you?

- What, I told you Mike, I'm a bear.

- Now haven't we talked
about this a hundred times,

about you taking your bear
simulations to the extreme?

- Uh, yeah.

- Uh-hih, and what are you doing?

- Uh, taking my bear
simulation to the extreme?

- There, now do you see the connection?

- Mm, no.

- Oh, Okay well let me explain,
see when you're a bear--

(alarm)

we've got movie, I'll explain later!

(doors loudly open)

(squeaking metal door shutting)

(door slamming)

(computer beep)

(metal door slamming)

(computer beep)

(metal door sliding)

(squeaking metal)

(metal door slamming)

- [Crow] Just gonna have to
get used to me as a bear.

- And your on your way, dear boy.

- It's really hot.

- And can you see some old
tumbled down houses yet?

- I see them.

- Well, they're my castles boy

- [Crow] Grr.

- Yes. Faster.

Come on, hurry, hurry,
or you'll catch cold.

Can't you feel it, that
cold mountain wind.

Come on, faster, faster.

- [Mike] Forget the good deed, eat her!

(Ivan groans)

- [Grandmother] Here we
are, we're home at last.

Yes at last we're home
and my home is my castle.

I'm much obliged to
you my handsome prince.

- Huh?

- [Tom] Most bears don't carry compacts.

- [Crow] True.
- Look, granny,

are you making fun of me?

- Of course not.

- [Ivan] Look at me before
you call me handsome.

- I can't very well do that
boy, it's been at least...

yes, it's been ten years since
I last looked at something.

You see, I'm blind.

- [Ivan] Oh grandma I wish I
could've gone blind for you.

- Oh no, how you talk.

Father Mushroom lied.

- Who did?

- And I'll never look at myself again.

(crash)

- [Crow] Oh, blame the mirror.

(ducks quacking)

- [Mike] Invasion of
the the matruska people.

(geese quack)

- What do you say, son?

- [Ivan] Uh.

- Let me talk, he likes her very much.

Anybody can see she's lovely, such beauty,

she's in perfect health,
I tell you, all over.

(geese quack)

- [Tom] She's imprinting on the geese.

- [Women] Oh, hurry!

- [Crow] (laughs) and
the freelance shame squad

is there.

(Crowd laughing and geese quacking)

- [Tom] Oh, the pond
scum is fleeing in terror

from her face.

- [Mother] Marfushka, my darling daughter.

- [Marfushka] Help!

(ducks quacking)

- Mama

- [Tom] People's distress is funny.

- Oh, don't say--

- [Tom] She caught a water moccasin.

- [Nastenka] Oh, Marfushka!

- [Mother] my daughter, my daughter!

(crowd laughing)

- [Crow] , well, I guess you
have to be Russo-Finnish to--

(Mike laughs)

- [Marfushka] Mama!

- Look my dear, maybe you
should've tied it tighter.

- [Mother] Forget my daughter, then.

Oh my sweet little gem.

- What?

There's no telling what
bride a boy will take.

And my son's not stupid.

He's ready to take a wife.

Aren't you?

- [Tom] Duh.

(crying loudly)

- [Mike] The private
pain of Alfred E. Newman.

- He likes her.

- [Tom] One of the greatest
criminal masterminds

of the 20th century.

- [Crow] She makes Olivia
Hussy look like Thelma Ritter.

(ducks quack)

- Nastenka's the one I want (laughs)

- [Crow] (laughing goofy)

- [Mike] We're gonna starve this winter.

(Crow laughing)

- [Tom] Well, I suppose we should get back

to being ugly (laughs).

- [Mike] Let's go frighten
small children, shall we?

(growling)

- [Crow] Chewbacca?

- [Mike] Right.

(growling)

- [Tom] Hornets don't make
honey, I found out the hard way.

- [Crow] Mommy, can I go play at Timmy's?

- [Tom] But I have to eat
out of one of those campers?

- Bah.

The stick, granny's stick.

How is she going to be
able to walk without it?

- [Mike] I don't know Richard Burton.

- [Ivan] I've got to take it to her.

- Very good Mushka, very good.
(dreamy music)

(fast, excited music)

- [Tom] Scott Hamilton's interpretation

of "The Three Bears".

(dreamy music)

- [Tom] Mushroom guy's
about to piss me off.

- Maybe I'm dreaming,
maybe it's just a vision,

maybe that old magician was only bracking.

Still, he cast a spell on me.

That's that feather that brought me here.

- [Mike] Maybe I'm crazier
than an outhouse rat.

- This is where I first meet Nastenka.

- [Crow] Help me, Obi Wan Koboski.

- [Tom] Well, got a great
stick outta the deal.

- [Ivan] And there's that
old stump and the flowers

have really bloomed, but that
wicked old magician's laughing

at me, I suppose.

I can't shake off his spell.

- [Mike] Oh geez, I
stepped in my own scat.

- [Crow] Huh, what?

- [Tom] Very confusing lesson.

- [Mike] So if you
speculate about doing good,

it's better than actually
better than actually doing it?

- [Crow] Apparently.

- [Ivan] There's only one
things I still have to do.

- [Crow] Join the band, Nelson.

- [Ivan] Farewell, Nastenka

- [Mike] Salmon.

(adventurous music)

- [Tom] Hey, hey, hey!

(water splashing)

- [Mike] Well, that's taken care of.

Now what are you gonna do about the fact

that you're Finnish?

- [Tom] (laughs)

- Nastenkaaaaa!

- [Mike] Oh?

- [Voiceover] The weeks have
passed, the winter winds

have begun to blow, the
old man takes his daughter

into the heart of the forest.

Not that he wants to do this at all,

it was the cantankerous woman's idea.

- [Tom, Mike, and Crow] Yep.

- She insisted for so
long, nagged for so long

that the poor old man
finally yielded to her will.

- [Mike] Thanks, dad.

- [Stepmother] I keep trying
to get Marfushka married,

but everybody looks at
that little viper, Nastka.

Take her far into the
forrest and lose her.

I never want to see her again.

- [Tom] Do you have to
play that tape, Dad,

it's a little hard on my self esteem.

- [Crow] Still traffic was
light and they made good time.

- [Mike] Oh I hope they invent
the wheel soon (horse neighs)

- [Tom] ♫ Just hear those
sleigh bells ringaling

ding ding dingaling ♫

- No, my old woman can go right ahead

and kill me if she wants.

- [Tom] Fair.

- But I'm not going to do
this, not to you my daughter.

I won't leave you in the woods.

Oh, Zarnika, come on boy,
we're going back. Oh.

- [Mike] You sure this is
convenient for you, dad?

- [Father] Oh, Zarnika,
I don't care if she waves

the poker at me, or the pitchfork.

Let her reign.

I'm not afraid anymore.

No my darling daughter,

I'm not afraid anymore.

I'll tell her what I think, you'll see.

Ho, Zarnika, ho!

- [Crow] He has the spine of a tube worm.

- She's going to make my
poor daddy so miserable.

She'll drive him mad.

Goodbye, Daddy.

- [Tom] Still, it was
good for him to get outta

the basement for awhile.

- Remember your daughter who loved you.

- [Tom] Val Kilmer as Prince Valiant.

- Nastka!

- [Tom] I need a hair cut.

- [Crow] Wolves are
just laughing out loud.

They've got the B squad
in to eat this guy.

- [Tom] ♫ Fresh is better,

♫ get Mentos fresh

♫ and full of life ♫

- [Mike] ♫ What would ya
do for a Klondike bar ♫

- [Crow] God damn potholes!

- [Ivan] Nastka!

(Crow makes car engine revving voices)

(Tom makes squealing tire voices)

- [Daddy] You over
there, c'mon get moving,

open the doors wide, hurry!

- [Crow] That horse is not a real blonde.

- [Marfushka] Mama.

- [Mother] What's the matter with you?

- That's enough!

I'm not putting up with this anymore.

Now it's mine--

- [Mike] Turn to get down in the basement.

- Oh!

- I won't say it.

I'll be quiet.

(laughs)

- Marfushka, go into the house,
you'll catch cold out here.

(Marfushka laughs)

- [Mike] Grr.

- You better watch out.

- [Crow] Well, I showed her.

I read her the riot act alright, yep!

- [Father] Oh, Nastenka's gone.

(dog whining)

- [Tom] Oh yeah, I get more
than you and I've been neutered.

(dog whining)

- [Mike] Don't touch me, you coward.

- [Tom] Someone's pickling something.

- [Crow] , hey, not a bear anymore,

mushroom guy turned me back.

- [Tom] Yeah
- [Mike] Really

- [Tom] Didn't just peel it off?

- [Crow] No.

- [Tom] Wow.

- [Ivan] Oh little cabin,
turn your back to the forest

and turn your face to me.

- [Mike] Big bird got developed.

(goose quacks)

- [Tom] This guy's actually Jamaican.

(wood door creaks)

- [Mike] Al Lewis, survivalist.

- Ah!

What do you want?

- [Crow] She's 800 years young.

(blowing nose)

Ivan, why did you come here?

You're not invited, now
you turn my house around,

you've awoken me out of a sound sleep.

Now it's back to you, whatever
made you turn it around!

- Oh, don't be angry, hunchback
fairly, don't be angry.

(Tom, Mike, and Crow laugh)

help me to find Nastenka.

I must save her, please,
she needs help badly.

- Don't expect any help from me,

and I won't give you the slightest help!

- [Tom] Chuckles is over here.

- Now right the house

(ding ding)

about face

turn your back to Ivan
and face the woods again.

- [Mike] Oh, it's Bill Gates' house,

it's voice controlled.

- [Ivan] Turn your back
to the woods and face me.

- Face the woods, turn your back to Ivan.

- Face me with your back to the woods!

- Face the woods, turn your back to Ivan!

- [Crow] Come to Knotts
Berry Farm and ride

the unstable house.

- You hooligan!

- I don't care how hard you try,

I'm gonna have the upper hand.

Face me!

- Oh, face the woods!

- [Ivan] Face me!

- Face the woods!

- [Crow] Oh no leg kicks, please.

- [Ivan] Face me!
- Face the woods!

- [Ivan] Face me!

- Face the woods!

- [Ivan] Face me!
- Face the woods!

- [Tom] Alright, come up for a beer.

- Alright, you'll see won't always

have the upper-hand.

Ah, your strength is
only earthly strength.

In the end it won't help, I
can always use witchcraft.

(indiscernible chanting)

- [Crow] Please, don't do that.

- You'll give up yet, my young

- [Mike] Ah, his performance is so wooden.

(trees creaking)

- [Crow] Quick! Give
him dutch elm disease!

- [Tom] Oh, this is an
earth first fantasy.

- [Mike] Take that, logging industry.

- [Crow] I don't know I've
heard that tree gang violence

is increasing.

(Witch woman laughs)

- [Mike] Don't you.

- [Tom] Oh, they got him in a hody ring.

- [Mike] Miracle grow worked too well.

- [Tom] Yes.

- [Trees] One, two,

uh, three!

(crash)

- [Tom] And you pixies go
to the door to the window.

(owl groaning)

(animated music)

- [Crow] Oh, self-delivering lumber.

(creaking and animated music)

(animated music)

- [Mike] I just hate it
when the trees just come in.

- [Tom] If I had a tree,
I'd keep it in the yard.

- [Old Lady] This way,
right this way, little--

Ah. You'll make a fine roast for Ivan.

(trees groaning)

- [Mike] Uh-oh, roasted nuts, oh boy.

- [Old Lady] Ol, little
Ivan, you can't win.

Struggle, Ivan. Fight back all you like,

nothing's going to stop me.

You're my supper!

- Look, hunchback fairy, I'm sorry.

- Are you afraid?

- Well, I've never been
pushed into an oven.

It's the first time I've sat on a shovel.

- [Tom] The flat part anyway.

(old lady laughs)

- Please show me how to sit on a shovel

I don't know how.

- [Tom] Hello, Mrs. Non-Gorilla.

- Take the handle.

- Alright.

- What's the world coming to>

The youth of today wasn't taught anything.

You see, you don't have to be
a wizard to do that, stupid.

- I hope it's warm enough for you.

- Ah! I'm cooking.

I'm roasting, ah!

- Alright, get out of here

or I'll turn you all into kibbling.

(crash)

Go on, get out!
(crash)

Now run for your lives!

(Tom hums)

- [Tom] Split it up. It's our only hope!

- [Crow] Oh, I forgot
to pre-heat the oven.

- [Old Lady] Help me out! I'm seizing,

I'm sweating!

- Steam bath never hurt anybody.

(Old lady whimpers)

And now tell me where is she?

Tell me where I can find Nastenka.

(smack)

- Oh! I don't know ...

- Tell me how I can save Nastenka.

(smack)

- Oh save her, save her, save her.

- Alright, you old witch, in you go again.

- [Crow] Robert Maple Thorp's Striganona.

- You cook a little longer.

- No, Ivan, no!

- [Tom] What, I mean when, whom,

I'm sorry, who.

(dreamy music)

- [Crow] Later, in tingly
wingly pixie wixie land.

(man singing in Russian)

- [Mike] Hey, Jack Frost finally.

- [Crow] Wanna translate, Tom?

- [Tom] ♫ It's colder than
a book a dove penguin poop,

♫ it's colder than a polar bear's butt

♫ the dogs are sticking
to the fire hydrant ♫

- (indiscernible) bye, bye.

- [Tom] That means bye bye

- [Crow] Thank you.

(dreamy music)

- [Mike] What do you want, Frost?

(Jack Frost singing in Russian)

- [Crow] Hey, he can
make the film reverse.

(Jack Frost speaking Russian)

- [Mike] We will bury you.

(dreamy music)

- [Crow] I do frost and I do it well.

- [Tom] At least it's not
a film about Jack Absence.

- [Crow] Oh, yeah.

- [Mike] Eat that, spring.

- [Tom] Frosted lucky trees,
they're magically delicious.

- [Crow] So he bought a
flocking gun, big deal.

- [Tom] Jack Frost open fired
on a stand of willows today.

I don't really need, it's gonna
ruin my bods, oh, I'm dead.

(dreamy music)

- [Mike] You know, I'm from Wisconsin,

I've seen plenty of this, can we move on?

- [Crow] Smilla's sense of crap.

(Mike laughs)

- [Tom] Although the director
left this somewhat ambiguous,

I'm getting the idea
that he's frosting trees.

- [Crow] Could be.

Don't frost her, you big--

- [Mike] I pray for the
death of Jack Frost.

- [Tom] Well, you work for
summer, don't cha, don't cha?

- Where did this little marvel come from?

Little girl, where were you until now?

- [Crow] Back off, frost.

- At home.

- At home.

Tell me, don't you feel cold?

- Oh, I feel warm enough,
Grandfather Frost.

- You're warm?

- I'm warm.

- [Crow] Look, I've got mace.

- [Tom] My muffins!

(Crow groans and coughs)

(Crow breathes heavily)

- [Crow] Oh God.

My heart.

- Even now are you
warm, graceful creature?

- I'm warm, Grandfather Frost.

I am warm, Grandfather.

- [Mike] Am I gonna have to call the cops?

- You're a very good girl,

not the contradicting kind.

- [Tom] Yes I am.

- Here you are, my little
marvel, here's my cloak.

- [Crow] It smells like dried Ensure.

- How bout you then?

You'll be cold.

- Me? Cold?

- [Tom] Well, I'm made
of fleshy thinsulate.

(Jack Frost laughs)

(bird chirps)

- A bird.

- [Crow] Let's eat it.

(chirp)
(ring)

- Ah!

- [Tom] Wow, bottom line,
don't mess with Jack Frost.

- Don't bother my sweet,
it won't do any good.

- [Mike] It's dead, dead!

- In my magic scepter lies the
power that spreads the frost.

- You have no pity. You're cruel!

- Oh, I am not at all
without pity. I am not cruel.

I do pity this poor little frozen bird,

but any living creature who
touches my magic scepter,

will never wake up again.

- [Crow] Admittedly it's
a design flaw, but--

- [Jack Frost] What's
the matter, my sweet?

- Goodbye, Grandfather Frost.

- [Jack Frost] What's wrong, pretty one?

- I'm freezing.

- Oh, oh, I say!

Quickly, quickly my ice sleigh!

- [Crow] No way.

- I say, fly like the wind!

- [Tom] I think you've got an engine fire.

- [Crow] (laughs) Who's making that sound?

The new 1976 Chevy Sleigh.

- [Jack Frost] Don't lose heart.

Don't lose hope,

my sweet. You won't freeze.

- [Crow] No, I'll take the bus, thanks.

- That's it (laughs) that's it.

Don't worry, you'll see,

there'll be dancing at
your wedding (laughs).

Ho, ho, ho!

- [Tom] Oh, I just gotta
get some jumper cables

and recharge my scepter (laughs).

Where do I open her up on the freeway?

(Tom hums)

- [Crow] Do you have any good tapes, Jack?

(Tom hums)

- [Mike] Hey, I'm stuck
in a snow bank. Hello!

- [Tom] Yep, magic sleigh.

- Getting warmer, my sweet?

- Mm-hmm.

- [Crow] But could we
put the top up, though?

(horse neighs)

- [Mike] He stole my purse!

(high-tech music)

- Nastenka and love.

It doesn't mean a thing.

- [Tom] This is what
happens when you don't cook

your whips thoroughly.

- Yes, it's nothing but a joke.

- Here, take this, a sheepskin cloak.

- [Crow] Don't mind the dandruff.

(Ivan sneezes)

- Poor boy.

You must mind your health young man.

You might catch cold.

- [Crow] It's nice to
see they've gotten past

the oven incident.

- Listen now, I--

- Shh.

- [Crow] Dr. Quinn's on.

(witch says spell)

- [Tom] Oink, ma'am.

- What's that?

- Oh, a sleigh rides in the snow

with gusts and winds that blow.

It skims by itself over the snow.

Over the snow, it skims
by itself toward the place

where Nastenka now lies.

(whistle)

- [Tom] Oop, she left it in drive.

- Look out for my sheep
skin coat, it's almost new!

Don't forget to get it
back to me. (laughs)

- [Crow] (laughs) give it
back to me, that's great.

- [Mike] (laughs)

Sooie, pig sooie, (laughs)

- [Tom] Oh, I won't trade
being a witch for anything.

(laughs)

- [Crow] Well, better get ready,

the trees are coming
over for the game later.

- [Mike] Oh, Miami Steve
van Zandt did not age well.

- How wary I am, so wary, so wary.

- [Tom] Shake that money maker.

- Chicken bones are very wary,

chicken bones are very wary.

(ring)

Oh, I ache all over, I'm so tired.

- [Crow] Oh, back to the day care.

- [Mike] Okay pull your
sleigh over, Frost.

Let's see your license.

- [Crow] Can't drive 55.

- [Tom] Wait 'til he finds I
blew up the bridge (laughs)

- [Jack Frost] Whoa!

- [Mike] Let's just swing into
this iHop for a short stack.

- [Crow] Yes, every
culture's mythology features

the young hero chasing a pig sleigh.

(pig oinks)

- [Tom] Here at ski-do testing grounds

- Oh, I feel so ill, so ill, so ill!

I have got a fever!

- [Crow] ♫ She's a maniac, maniac ♫

- It's not illness that
is making me this way!

(Tom makes silly, mocking sounds)

- [Old Lady] (indiscernible chattering)

- [Mike] Just calm down
and give me my fancy feast.

- [Old Lady] Oh no!

Ohhh I can't sleep or eat, I'd be alone!

I can't rest, I can't oh oh!

(clanking noises)

(witch mumbles)

(crash)

- [Tom] Schlukzada, get it
together, what is your problem?

- Here I wanted to eat that young idiot,

and instead of that, I almost

let myself get eaten up.

Silly witch that I was!

- [Mike] No, no, you're a good witch,

you have to believe that.

How do you like my website?

- Hello, kitty, my little kitty,

Oh, you with the velvet paw.

Little kitty with the jet black coat.

- [Tom] Actually I'm dark mahogany.

- Kitty with the silken fur.
(meow)

You've got to help me, little kitty.

Round skip and fly over the
snow, go find Ivan's darling

and cause her death, go!

(meow)

- [Mike] Yeah, right,
I'm gonna go lick myself.

(girl screams)

- [Crow] Yeah, that's what I'd
like to do with this movie,

just scamper away from it.

- And now we shall laugh,
wait and see (laughs)

- [Tom] How are ya!

(laughs)

- [Crow] When am I gonna pass this witch?

- [Tom] Finnish house par-tay.

- [Mike] Oh good, ha, eat my slush!

- [Crow] Well, Mike, I guess
this is just a magical land.

I hate magical lands.

- [Tom] We now switch you live to pig cam.

I'm bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon,
bacon, um, bacon, I'm bacon.

- [Crow] Okay just idle down
around this tree and uh--

- [Tom] (breathing loudly) This
just isn't right, I'm a cat,

I should be laying out
hairy pukes on a new carpet

and ignoring my owners after this.

- [Crow] Hey, puff, how'd
your spaying go yesterday?

- [Tom] Wait a minute, okay.

- [Mike] Oh, it's Queen Frostine's house.

- [Tom] Let's try this, oh,
I slipped on your steps,

I'm gonna sue, ow!

- Don't you worry now, little girl.

Everything will be alright, see.

It's never going to forget you (laughs).

Well--

- [Crow] Stoley?

- I'm going out now to take a look around

and see how the birch
trees and pines are doing.

I will see to it all is in order.

- [Tom] Or they dock my pay.

- And you'll be the mistress of the house.

- [Mike] So, I guess instead
of vacuuming this floor,

you Zamboni it.

- You take care of the house
and I'll come back very soon.

- [Crow] The guy spends a lot

of time cutting out paper snowflakes, huh?

- [Tom] Is this true love
or just a kidnapping?

Bob Keeshan is Mr. Natural.

- [Crow] Ah-ha my plan worked
perfectly (evil laugh).

- [Tom] Meow meow meow

(meow)

- [Mike] You ordered a hairball, ma'am?

- She's in trouble, I feel it.

- [Crow] Get down in
the basement, old man.

(dog barks)

- Where do you think you're going?

Come back, go right back into the house.

- [Tom] They're so in need
of a family therapist.

(dog barks)

- [Mike] I'm not a chew toy,
I'm the old man of the house.

(barking)

- [Crow] Tramp's on the
loose and he's got a gun.

- [Tom] I've never been in such heat!

- [Mike] He's chasing an Italian minstrel.

- [Crow] The incredible
journey, the one man show.

- [Mike] I need to go out!

Oh wait.

- [Ivan] Champ?

(meow)

- [Mike] Please, I don't
want human hair on my fur,

I'm allergic.

- Nice kitty.

- [Crow] Put my food on a crystal plate

or I'll wiz on your socks.

- Where are you going, kitty?

- [Tom] Litter box.

- [Mike] Oops.

A woman's score,

I thought it was gonna
take weeks to do that.

- [Jack] Whoever touches my scepter,

will never wake up again.

- [Crow] Yeah, well
maybe it should be stored

a little more safely.

- [Tom] At least a Mr. Yuk sticker.

- [Mike] Oh, where the hell did I park?

- [Jack] ♫ Winter snows ♫

- [Crow] So the premise of
this movie is that everyone

is just nuttier than all get out.

(Jack sings)

- [Tom] ♫ Deutschland,
Deutschland uberales ♫

- [Jack] ♫ Out stands the forbidden crowd

The gales of winter blow and sing ♫

- [Crow] ♫ And rip the
skin off your face ♫

- Oh, oh this will not
do, it simply will not do.

Quickly, quickly we must
sprinkle you with frost.

- [Tom] What will it do?

- Oh you're such an idiot,
you dunce, you nitwit,

you donkey, you left your
scepter in the house,

without it you can't do a thing.

- [Mike] I enjoy watching
people's mental illness.

- [Crow] You moron, you're
a worthless piece of crap

like something I scrape off my shoe,

ahoy, here comes Jack
Frost, you're an idiot.

- [Tom] Clear out the bathroom!

- You there!

Who lives in this house?

- [Crow] K, stay cool.

(knocking)

- Who will open the door?

- [Crow] So he lives sort of
in a Christian-pagan fun house.

(Mike laughs)

- Come back already.

- [Tom] Oh great, the toilet backed up.

(surprising music)

(squeaking metal door shutting)

(door slamming)

(computer beep)

(metal door slamming)

(computer beep)

(metal door slamming)

(squeaking metal)

(metal door slamming)

- Well, sorry, Professor Smirnoff

was such a disappointment before, guys,

but you'll be happy to hear,

I've hired a more solid expert on Russia,

at great personal expense.

Well, expense to you, Mike, I
maxed out your credit cards.

- What? Crow, you--

- I also need your
assistance with this easel.

- Fine, let's just do it.

- Now, what film delved deeper into

the former Soviet Union's
relationship with the US

than Sylvester Stallone's "Rocky IV"

wherein he fights a Russian superman?

- I can think of a lot of films that--

- And what better embodies
the spirit of Rocky IV

than rousing rock anthem, eye
of the tiger from Rocky III.

- [Mike] What?

- [Tom] Huh?

And who knows that song
better than a key band member

of the band Survivor, which recorded it?

I'm talking of course about--

- Their lead singer and songwriter--

- Their drummer, who technically
didn't join the group

'til seven years after "Eye of the Tiger,"

but who better to speak
for this drummer than--

- [Tom] His wife.

- [Mike] His manager.

- His great aunt Gladys Fletcher--

- [Mike] Of course.

- who has sadly passed
away three years ago.

- [Tom] Uh-huh.

- But her old friend Eunice Torgeson--

- Is here and we're gonna to her and--

- And I have been playing
phone tag all day,

so in her place I've contacted

her estranged half-brother Earl Torgeson,

a butcher in Sanford, Maine
who specializes in hand-made,

old world sausages.

- [Mike] Sausages.

- And Russia, of course.

- Of course.

- We now go live to Mr. Torgeson.

Uh, Professor Torgeson, where
does our movie Jack Frost fit

in vis-a-vis the mesa poetic dimensions

of later Russian literature?

Uh, Mr. Torgeson--
(phone ringing)

Slightly bad connection, ir,

you may have to speak up a bit louder.

- [Mr. Torgeson] Hello, Torgeson's meats.

- [Crow] Ah, I see,
interesting, interesting--

- [Mr. Torgeson] Yeah.

- [Crow] And do you see themes

in this film--
- [Mr. Torgeson] Yeah.

- [Crow] Or indeed any other--
- [Mr. Torgeson] Alright

- [Crow] Traditional Russian folklore--

- [Mr. Torgeson] Yeah.

- [Crow] which prepares for the tumultuous

Russian politics of modern times?

- [Mr. Torgeson] Got it, Mrs. Croggy--

- [Mr. Torgeson] Two pounds of bratwurst,

one cheddarwurst, three oblong sausages

- [Crow] facinating, facinating.

- [Mr. Torgeson] three
blood sausages. Great.

- [Crow] Great. Well,
well, thank you for you--

- [Mr. Torgeson] Okay then, bye-bye.

- [Crow] w-well, thank you for your time.

Thank you.

- Boy, food for though, huh?

Wow, Russia is definitely
worth all that money.

Well, Mike's money, I--

- Get him!
- [Crow] Ah!

- [Tom] We'll be right back, ah!

(high-tech music)

(ominous music)

- [Old Lady] Hm, hm, hm, hm

- [Crow] Appartenly there's
no Finnish word for subtle.

- [Old Lady] Hm, oh, ah. Heel!

- [Mike] Come to mama.

- [Crow] ♫ Love is a battlefield ♫

(meow)

- [Old Lady] Ah.

(meow, meow)

Thank God, you're going
to get your reward,

the best reward there is.

- [Crow] A half-rotted anchovie.

(meow)

- [Old Lady] Oh, you're a good kitty.

Yeah, something nice, kitty,

a bowl of cream for kitty.

- [Tom] But I'm lactose intolerant.

- [Old Lady] You've earned it.
(cat meows)

my little black imp
(pig oinks)

- [Crow] Which one of them is doing that?

- [Mike] I don't know

(Witch chants spell)

- [Tom] Oh, hello, Arnold.

- [Old Lady] Oh, yeah,
and something for you too,

here, deviled ham just for you.

(snorting)

- [Old Lady] You've earned
it, you little pink devil.

- [Mike] Deviled ham, that's sick.

Wow I can't believe
you're making me eat this.

(pig snorts)

(dog barks)

- [Tom] Oh, oh, the new
ace of base record is out!

(dog barks and whines)

Bad dog, stop it, don't do
that to my leg, stop it.

- [Crow] Give me the damn sausage man,

I know it's in your pocket.

(dog growls)

- [Tom] I don't wanna go to
church, Fido, I'm agnostic.

- [Mike] It's the Crystal
Cathedral North (laughs).

- [Grandfather Frost] Greetings, Ivan.

- [Crow] Killed your girlfriend, coffee?

- [Grandfather Frost] How are doing, son?

- [Ivan] Greetings Grandfather Frost

Grandfather have you come for Nastenka?

- [Ivan] For Nast--

- [Tom] Or are you here
about the '87 Buick?

- [Mike] Let me take you round back,

show you the new lawn boy.

- [Crow] So, a couple more
snow-mobilers ate it last night.

(dog barking and whining)

- [Tom] No one's fed
me in about four days!

It's a fanta suites room

- [Crow] Look, she was already
frozen when I got here,

it ain't my fault, man.

- [Ivan] Nastenka.

- [Tom] It's a positive ID then.

- [Grandfather] She's asleep.

- [Mike] Oh, am I that transparent?

- [Crow] So, Frost, you killed her,

that's the long and short of it.

- [Ivan] Why is she sleeping?

- [Grandfather] Now by day.

Nastenka, she sleeps day and night.

- [Tom] She's really lazy.

- [Mike] I'm outta wiper fluid.

(dog whines)

- I hurt your feelings Nastenka,

won't you please forgive me.

- [Crow] And my ah-ha hairdo.

- Please.

- [Crow] Take on me.

- [Tom] Take me on.

(bell chimes)

- [Crow] Oh, she's done!

- [Mike] So she sleeps forever
only in a relative sense.

- [Crow] Yes.

- [Tom] Geez, it's the first
time I've relaxed in weeks,

leave me alone.

(dramatic music)

- [Mike] Ah, oh, it's you.

- [Tom] I'll be gone, so--

- Ivan Rushka.

- [Crow] Well, now I can call
that Debbie girl, oh hi honey.

- Nastenka.

(dreamy music)

- [Tom] What the hell, it's supposed

to keep her sleeping forever.

Where's that bird,

just running around
free outside somewhere?

- [Crow] It took years of intense training

to get the dog to walk like that.

- Ivan Rushka.

- [Tom] Wanna start the cardigans?

- How nice you are now.

- Am I really?

- I like you better.

- My darling little Nastenka,
you're right you know,

I used to be selfish.

Now I do good deeds
from morning 'til night.

Yeah see what a good man I've become.

- Oh, there's something on your cheek.

- Is there?

- It's fur, a spot of brown
hair like bear fur, I think.

- Huh?

- [Mike] I know, that's just a big zit.

- Ah, I was only joking, Ivan Rushka.

- Nastenka.

- [Tom] Well, yeah,
you're still frozen, okay?

Mm, my famous Yankee bean soup.

- [Witch] Ah, ah.

- [Crow] They're swimming in
my chili, the little creeps.

- [Witch] There's a bad image!

- [Tom] Oh, evil sitz bath, soothe me.

- [Witch] Away, away.

Get out of my sight, traitors,

out of sight!
(cat and pig screech)

Get out! Ah.

- [Crow] Ma'am?

- What can we do, old owl, eh?

- [Crow] (in Pee-Wee
Herman voice) What? What?

- Ah!
(pop)

Let's try it, we might succeed.

- [Tom] Martina Navratilova's
childhood was not a happy one.

- [Mike] She's become one of

those heroine chic magazine models.

- [Crow] It's good to
see Anthony Michael Hall

working again.

(crash)

(Tom mumbles)

- The other old women have a
stupid old men at home, too,

but you're the limit.

- [Crow] Yes dear.

- Why did you have to drag your daughter

into the forest?

- [Crow] Y-yes, dear.

- To amuse Grandfather Frost?
- [Crow] Yes, yes, dear.

- Did he pack some hungry wolves?

- [Crow] I love you, dear.

- Shoo, shoo, shoo

- I won't say it, I'll be quiet.

- I can't help it, I miss Nastka.

I remember how I used to
drag the big braid of hers,

what a grand feat,

but I can't anymore
pull that Nastka's gone.

You're almost bald and
if I pulled your beard,

it would come right off you.

- [Old Man] Oh.

(Woman laughs)

- [Mike] (laughs) this Fin's life.

(cries)

- [Crow] Shut your Kringle hole.

(cries)

- [Mike] Classic case of moon
shells and bi-proxy syndrome.

- It's all your fault,
I hit my darlng daughter

on her rosy cheek.

I'd never have done it
if Nastka had been here.

- Look who's here!

- [Tom] Thank you, anonymous voice!

(sleigh bells ring)

- [Crow] ♫ Just hear those
sleighbells ring-a-ling

♫ ring ring chingaling ring ♫

- [Mike] Parson brown, the Russian tour.

- [Tom] Oh, the three
horses of the apocolypse.

- [Mike] The fourth dropped out

'cause he had too many
after-school activities.

- [Crow] It's Santa Clause, Jr.

- [Mike] Hi, behold the pale horse.

- [Tom] Mom looks like
Carol O'Connor in drag.

- [Crow] Ah, the yuppies are back.

- [Mike] Guess they got one

of them quicky Icelandic marriages.

- [Tom] Mom, I married a beef-eater.

- [Mike] And a vicious cycle
of a dish to pass continues.

- [Crow] We spit on your
door step (fake spits).

- [Mike] Please take me
with you, please, please.

- I'd like you to meet--

- [Mike] What's your name again?

- Ivan Rushka, my fiance.

- [Crow] I can't look at
them, honey, they're horrible.

- Father, listen to me, I
will explain everything.

Grandfather Frost found me in the forest.

First, he took me with
him to his dwelling.

- [Mike] Then he kinda killed me.

- He arranged the
proposal with Ivan Rushka,

then he gave me this dowry.

- [Crow] Gummy bears.

- [Girl] Isn't the bride-groom handsome?

- [Girl] And Nastenka
looks just like a princess.

- [Girl] No, like a queen!

- Marfushka looks like
a big sack of potatoes.

(crowd laughs)

- Alright, get out of here--

- [Tom] Oh, a hockey game breaks out

- [Marfushka] All of you get out of here!

- [Mike] , uh, we'll stay at a hotel.

(crowd laughs)
- [Marfushka] Sack of potatoes

- Get out of here, all of you!

I want a fiance. I want
precious stones. I want stones!

- [Tom, Mike, and Crow] Ah!

- [Voiceover] So according
to Marfushka's wishes

and the old woman's orders--

(Crow yawns)

- [Voiceover] The old
Man took Marfushka out

into the heart of the
forest and left her beneath

the tall pine tree.

- [Tom] She drank herself
into oblivion. The end.

- What you have to spit?

You cook a mighty fine rabbit, pilgrim.

- [Mike] It's a weird
place for a tailgate party.

- [Crow] It's Mrs. Creasote.

- [Tom] I love Coco Lopez neat.

- [Mike] And a month's
rations are gone in an hour.

- [Crow] Tip O'Neill after the retirement.

(bites apple)

- [Mike] Yum, vadalias.

- [Tom] Mm, peat moss, yum.

- Tell me, are you warm little one?

- [Tom] ♫ Da,da,da ♫

- Uh...

- Warm?

Warm, he says, can't you see
my hands and feet are frozen?

- [Tom] But it's nearly ten
degrees out, it's sweltering.

- Who is this freak of nature, hmm?

(dreamy music)

- [Tom] My popovers!

(high-tech music)

- Once more, let me ask,
are you warm, little girl?

- [Crow] Alright, pal, you're dead, man.

(Girl slurps)

You just got yourself a big
sled load of whoopass, Frost.

- Bring on my fiance and my dowry, too!

A real big dowry and make it quick.

(cymbals crash)

- [Crow] You stutterin' frosted freak.

(Frost pants)

- Help!

- You understand?

- [Crow] It's, it's a convention
of Michael Palin imitators.

(men sing)

- [Tom] Levon Helm.

(sings in Russian)

- [Tom] They're singing about
controlling their nose hair.

- [Mike] Sadly this was
Chet Baker's last role.

- [Crow] It's the seven
dwarfs, filthy, rotting,

lousy, skanky, scabby, skeptic,

and doc.

- [Tom] You know, it's
so true what they say

- [Mike] Original soundtrack
on Polygram Records.

- [Men] To your stations.

- [Crow] We have stations?

- [Men] We're going to rob.

And we're gonna rock.

Here they come.

- [Crow] Wow, those winged
monkeys now use Jetpacks,

cool.

- [Tom] Woo! Woo!

- [Mike] Too much air
traffic, I gotta go around.

- [Men] Ah-ha, grandmother
has come to see us.

- [Crow] And she is hot!

- Hello, hello.

- Ha, here she is, she
hasn't bit the dust.

(men laugh)

- [Crow] C'mon guys, I got feelings.

- Woodland giants, little
bandits, darling bandits,

would you please help me?

I reward you all.

- With what?

- With two tubs of gold
nuggets and six pairs

of sterling silver
anklets, and the copper.

I got plenty of loot
and all for easy work.

- Give it to us!

- [Tom] And foot massages for everyone.

(men yell)

- [Crow] Oh my god, these are her teeth.

That should hold them.

Copper's good enough for them.

You will get gold.

- Ah.

- Oh, not so fast, do the work.

- Ah, don't you trust us?

- Oh, don't you trust me to trust you?

- [Tom] Watch me breakdance.

- Quiet now, listen, listen.

- [Tom] ♫ Here comes the king

♫ here comes he king, number one ♫

(Tom continues singing)

- [Crow] Say, herb, have
you ever noticed how none

of us ever win this race?

- [Tom] You know, Phil,
I don't even mind that,

I;d just like to see a horse
of another color, just once.

- [Mike] Every time I tell
myself I'm not gonna turn left

when he pulls that rope and
then I just go and do it again.

- [Crow] Oh, fast, I
hope he remembers to pump

the brakes in the snow.

- [Mike] Um, so honey, do we have a house

or are we just gonna
drive around all the time?

Big trees, the new IMAX movie.

- [Crow] No,no really,
it's true, I heard it right

from my own mouth.

- [Tom] We got lost about
30 miles back, honey.

- [Mike] Honey, you're going too fast.

Honey, there's a mogul.
Watch it, honey. Honey.

- [Crow] Watch, I'm gonna
hit this raccoon (laughs)

- [Tom] Metaphorically, I
think this is a suggestion

that marriage is a dizzying,
mad, existential ride

to nowhere.

- [Mike] Or that niceness is fun.

- [Tom] Yeah, it's termites.

- Alright, little scoundrels,

listen to what I'm asking you to do.

- [Tom] Eww.

- [Mike] Get away, get--

- Soon a boy and a girl
are going to come by.

Ivan, the widow's son, and Ivan's fiancee.

You must capture them, tie
them up, and torture them!

Understand?

- [Men] We understand.

- Mind your stations!

(circus sounds)

- [Mike] Cirque du Soliel.

- [Crow] Don't look up my dress.

- [Tom] Aren't these ambushes phoney?

- [Mike] False alarm, it's only bjork.

(jingling sounds)

- [Crow] Where dwarves dare.

(whistles)

- [Mike] A wild cat strike broke out

in the Keebler cookie mines today.

(people yell)

- [Crow] Take that, Hamburgler.

(jingling sounds)

- [Tom] Russia's first
ever pantsing begins.

- [Mike] Piling around 15 yard penalty.

- That's how we do it, job.

- Ah!

- [Nastenka] Ivan Rushka!

- Alright, granny, where's the gold?

- Yes, right away, I have it here.

- [Crow] Under this spare goiter.

(man laughs)

- Ah!

- [Tom] That means he likes her (laughs)

- You dirty!

(witch yells)

(bell rings)

(whistle blows)

- [Mike] The flying batch.

(cymbals chime)

(witch speaks quickly)

- Nastenka will learn to sit on a shovel.

- [Tom] That's her answer to everything.

- Come on men.

- [Tom] Gets the night with

- [Crow] It's

- [Tom] Oh nevermind.

(cymbal crash)

- [Tom] Cymbal fist, the new action hero.

(dull crash)

- [Mike] I just know
someone's gonna end up

in the wood chipper.

- [Crow] Yeah.

- You cowards!
(cymbal crash)

- [Crow] She's a sweet
girl, but you have to admit,

she's also kind of a jinx.

- Here I come, charge!

- [Mike] Don't you think if you're magic,

you'd order up some better clothes?

(punching sounds)

- My broom!

I'm a witch and I can't
live without it, uh!

- [Crow] Well you
should've diversified more.

(whistles blow and cymbals chime)

- [Tom] I never liked you,
I'm gonna make this tighter.

(dog whines)

- Mm, I thought I was dale.

(cymbal chimes)

- [Crow] Jackie Chan is Ivan Rushka.

- [Tom] Ma'am could you
wiggle just a little bit?

- On your feet, hut!

(dull booming sounds)

- [Mike] Oh yeah, it's
raining cinematic chaos.

- These are are our old clubs coming down.

- [Crow] Isn't it ironic, don't you think?

- Ooooh.

- [Tom] The audience is listening.

(dull booms)

- [Tom, Mike, and Crow] Doh
doh doh doh doh doh doh!

- [Mike] Meanwhile at the baptismal font.

(dull booming sound)

- [Crow] This isn't funny, I
think this guy's really hurt,

Mike, see?

(cymbal chimes)

- [Tom] Just take my
sample case and scram.

(dog growls)

- Ivan Rushka.

- [Tom] Wait upska.

(dog growls)

- Nastenka.

- [Nastenka] Ivan, look out!

- Ho, you old Witch!

- [Witch] Don't take pity
on an old grandmother.

- [Ivan] We won't have the
slightest pity for you.

- [Mike] I'm quite miffed
at your attempted murder.

(dog barks)

- [Crow] And the dog ate her, the end.

Okay?

Guess not.

- [Mike] Oh, she's really a great ol' gal.

- Ivan Rushka--

- [Crow] It's over between us.

- Nastenka.

- [Tom] Let's go to America and start

the Brighton beach mob.

- Hm, she got a trunk and
jewels, a box of them,

that you'll see. Marfushka
will get two of each

- Mm-hmm.

- Two trunks full of
embroidery and two jewel cases

filled with precious stones.

- [Tom] Oh yes, dear, I love you.

- What do you mean by uh-huh?

She'll get four trunks and
she get four jewel cases.

- Um-hm, um-hm

- [Tom] Just waiting on my death honey,

the sooner the better.

- [Tom] Look the Johnsons
have a new snowblower.

The man he found for Nastka is a peasant,

but Marfushka is sure to get a prince,

you wait 'til she comes back.

- [Crow] Dear, I'm just gonna
nip out and kill myself, dear.

(bells jingle)

- Here they are.

- [Tom] My babushka. Oh I've got it on.

- [Mike] It's procoviav
and this time he's pissed.

(Crow sings along)

♫ deck the halls with bows
of holly, falalalalala ♫

- [Tom] Live in the swiss colony.

- [Mike] You know they fight a lot,

but they stay together
because the sex is fantastic.

(bells chime)

- [Crow] It's a three-pig open sleigh.

- [Tom] I'm Wilbur, I'm Bernie, I'm Babe.

- [Mike] Wow, they're
proud, stately animals.

- [Crow] The royal lipizaner pigs.

- [Tom] Is a full family christmas

(pigs snort)

- [Mike] Yes, dear, my fault, don't hit.

- [Crow] Yes, awfully nice to see you.

- [Tom] You watch it, you.

- Mother] Where's your dowry?

- Here.

- You idiots!

(crows caw and people scream)

- [Tom] Counting us.

- [Crow] And poop gentlemen.

(woman cries out as people laugh)

- There.

- [Tom] A young Mike Nelson!

- [Mike] Hey.

(people laugh)

- [Crow] Proving again that
slightly unattractive people

are evil.

- [Tom] Your pain gives us joy!

- Aww.

- I won't say it. I'll be quiet.

- Now I'll give the orders.

- [Tom] Because the Crows have
taught me a valuable lesson.

- [Father] Let the wedding begin.

(choir sings)

- [Crow] And they became professional

Faberge egg imitators.

- [Tom] And the Bulgarian women's chorus

is a rocking reception band.

- [Mike] They were
flanked at the reception

by Pappay Yokam and Mother Teresa.

- [Crow] Mother took me down
seconds after I took power.

- [Tom] Sergeant Pepper's
lonely hearts club wedding.

- [Mike] Please enjoy
the deep-fried rocks.

- [Crow] You know, you just
know they're gonna be dancing

to "Proud Mary" in about an hour.

- [Mike] Enjoy a mug of
penetrating wood finish.

♫ Hey

♫ Hey

♫ Hey, hey, hey ♫

Yeah right, until the
Mushroom guy moved in.

(metal door slamming)

(squeaking metal)

(metal door slamming)

(computer beep)

(metal door slamming)

(door slamming)

(squeaking metal door shutting)

(doors closing)

(laughs)

- Oh hey Servo, new dress?

- No, Mike, I'm rewwy cute.

In fact, I'm dowling (laughs)

- You're dowling?

What, wooden rods?

- I don't know what he's trying to say.

- No, no, no, I'm dowling (laughs)

- Oh, dowling, he's Joe Dowling,

Artistic Director of the Guthrie Theater.

- He doesn't wear a dress.

- I don't mean to criticize--

- Oh no, no, no. You stupid.

It's very simple, I'm adowable (laughs)

- You're undowlable. Oh I see, Mike.

I think what he's trying
to say is that if you

and I wanted to set up an
endowment, he's the guy

to talk to.

- Oh, you stupid, loathsome
freaks, I'm pwecious!

I'm as cute as a riddle budden (laughs).

- Oh, the widow budding,

you know Carl Buddig
pressed meat products.

He's the widow--
- [Crow] Oh, actually--

- You make me sick, look,
just forget it you couple

of morons I'm cute, Okay, I'm cute like

that scrawny little
square head in the movie,

but just forget it, the whole
cute thing's in the crapper.

- I'm sorry, Tom, we didn't know--

- Oh can it, will ya?

Man, I need a belt and
a smoke, I'm starting

to sweat right through the damn babushka.

- [Crow] That's unpleasant.

- oh, BJ and the bear are calling.

- [Voiceover] Uh-huh.

- [Voiceover] Yup.
- [Voiceover] Uh-huh.

- But you know what's a
really great ape movie?

- No, what's a really great ape movie?

- "Every Which Way But Loose,"

now that's a really great ape movie.

- (laughs) yeah, damn,
that's a good movie.

(The Brain laughs)

- You know what's an
even better ape movie?

- What's that?

- "Any Which Way You Can."

- Oh, get out, get out!

- You get out, it's a better ape movie.

- We'll see, let me get Mike down here.

Say, Mike, we need you down here again.

(popping sound)

- Ah, hey good, shh shh wait a second,

wait a second, will you?

- Well give the man a Longneck will you?

- Gotta get a Longneck,
here you go, here you go.

Okay, Mike, now which
is the better ape movie

"Every Which Way But Loose"
or "Any Which Way You Can"?

- "Every Which Way But
Loose" or "Any Way..."

You know, I have to say I
think "Any Which Way You Can"

is a funnier movie.

(Bobo laughs)

(Brain Guy scoffs)

- [Mike] On the other hand you know,

"Every Which Way is Loose" is better made.

- In your face, ape!

- How do you mean

"Every Which Way is Loose"

is the best ape movie?

What do you know about ape movies?

Snag me a brew, will ya?

The best ape movie,

the best ape movie ever

is "Dunston Checks In."

- [Brain Guy] Ah.

(Bobo makes weird sounds)

- End of story, until next time, Nelson,

fresh pain awaits.

- [Mike] 'scuse me I'm right here.

- Oh!

Until next time, Nelson.

Fresh pain awaits!

(laughs evilly)

(slow high-tech music)

(crash)

- Bring on my fiance!