Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 9, Episode 21 - Time Chasers - full transcript

* In the not-too-distant
future *

* Somewhere in time and space *

* Mike Nelson
and his robot pals *

* Are caught
in an endless chase *

* Pursued by a woman
whose name is Pearl *

* An evil gal
who wants to rule the world *

* She threw a few things
in her purse *

* And in her rocket ship

* She hunts them all
across the universe *

PEARL: I'll get you.

* I'll send him cheesy movies

*The worst I can find

* La, la, la *

* He'll have to sit
and watch them all *

* And I'll monitor his mind *

* La, la, la *

MAN: * Now, keep in mind
Mike can't control *

* Where the movies
begin or end *

* He'll try to keep
his sanity *

* With the help
of his robot friends *

MAN: Robot Roll Call...

- Cambot!
-You're on.

-MAN: Gypsy.
-Oh, my stars.

-MAN: Tom Servo.
-Check me out.

-MAN: Croooow.
-I'm different.

MAN: * If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes *

-* And other science facts
-* La, la, la

* Just repeat to yourself,
"It's just a show *

* I should really
just relax." *

* For Mystery Science
Theater 3000 *

Hi, everyone. Welcome
to the Satellite of Love.

Just to bring you up to date,
we recently escaped

along with Pearl Forrester
and her companions

from Ancient Rome,

which, by the way,
Bobo burned down.

And then we went back
through the wormhole,

and now here we are.

Who knows, we're just knocking
about in time and space.

Say, Mike, just for the sake
of discussion,

what would be another way you
could put that last part there?

We're wandering in space?

We don't know
where we are in space?

Or what?

In space?

Oh, I don't know, adrift?
Cast off?

Unmoored.

Locationless.
Lots of ways you could put it.

Uh, lost maybe?

Sure. Lost in space,
you can say that.

Woo-hoo, it's on, Crow.

Oh, you galloping garbage bag
of caliginous glop.

You pusillanimous
pig skin of puffery.

You towheaded,
tadpolish titmouse.

You terrestrial
tumescent pettifor.

You iridescent
titanic idiotic imp.

You, you, you, you
quibbley quivering--

no, no, no.

-You iridescent...
-Oh, no. You just said that.

Oh, right, right, right.

You dichotomous...

drum majorette.

You...

-You suck.
-Hey.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mike.

-I got frustrated.
-Now, we'll be right back.

-You, guys, would-- hey, you...
-Whoa.

Tell me I suck.
Go ahead.

No. You don't suck.

I mean, it's just kind of early,
and telling me I suck.

-Oh, I am really sorry.
-You understand my reaction.

Sure, sure.

[ Music playing ]

Oh, William.

Oh, the pain.

That's pretty annoying
isn't it, Mike?

Oh, William.

-Oh, the pain.
-You guys, you know what?

Pearl asked us
to pull this over

so we could find out
where we are.

And I'm trying to do a really
tricky docking maneuver,

so why don't you go watch
your video with Gypsy, huh?

-Oh, a video?
-All right.

-Free Willy, Mondo Cane...
-Mondo Cane. Cool.

Off you go.
Yeah, okay.

All right. Here we go.
Now, this is the hard part.

Just ease it into place.
Gently.

Dock with the other ship there.

[ Crashing ]

It's perfect.
I'll go check it out.

Nelson?

Mike?

Is that you?

Come on over here, neighbor.

MIKE: Are you sure
it's not too late?

Oh, I'll be up another
couple of hours or so.

Come on over. I just put
a fresh pot of coffee on.

I'll just float on
over here, Pearl.

Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Hang on.

I just put Bobo down, and
sometimes he's a little fussy.

-Oh, sure. Yeah.
-Yeah.

Ooh, boy.

-She's a cold one tonight.
-Yeah.

It's supposed to get down
to absolute zero.

That's why I always
wear a sweater.

Yeah.

Ooh.

So, Pearl,
how come you're so evil?

Hmm.

I'm filled with hate.

I don't know if that helps.

Yeah. It does, yeah.

You know, Mike,

people can be awfully
judgmental about evil.

CROW: Mike! Mike!

You know, we were watching TV,

and we had it on something
we all liked.

And then Servo
changed the channel.

Okay. Well, I'll tell you what,

if you're real quiet,
you can stay here

-with Pearl and me.
-Hey.

-Hey, Art.
-Hi.

Well, I suppose
I better be sending you guys

your movie, huh?

Oh. See, that's another thing.

You said you weren't gonna
send us anymore movies.

You know,
sometimes I think I lie

because I'm evil.

Oh.

So, you are gonna send us
a movie, though, huh?

Yeah.

And it's pretty bad.

-I hope that's okay.
-That's all right.

It was made in Vermont,

and it was about this guy
who travels through time,

and then he has to go back
in time to change

what he did in the future.

It's called "Time Chasers".

Oh, it's got that guy in it.

Oh, and that other guy, too.

Uh-hmm, okay.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

-Well...
-Yeah.

-Well...
-Yeah, I suppose...

I think we're gonna
get back there.

Why don't you to take off
there, buddy.

Thanks for stopping by.

Yup.
And I'll see you later.

-Art, you take care, kid.
-CROW: Bye.

Oh, okay.

Oh. Hey, Mike!

MIKE: Yeah.

I despise you
and all you stand for!

And you'll never exit--

You know the rest.

MIKE: Yeah.
I sure do.

Good night, Pearl.

He's a good kid.

-Uh-uh. No way.
-Come on, Servo.

Turn it back to Dr.
Jayne Seymour, Medicine Quinn.

No. No way.
Forget you.

What? Where were you, guys?

Hey, did Crow
get to go over to Pearl's?

-That's not fair.
-Pearl gave me

lots of candy and popcorn

and said that I could stay
there anytime.

And she was gonna
take me to France,

and she liked me best.

-Then I could play...
-Oh, we got movie sign...

[ Doors opening ]

SERVO: Hello.
I'm Fido Hitchcock,

the director of this film.

CROW: He's got a bucket

of crotch-flavored popcorn.

MIKE: Oh, for the l...

Oh, it's so early, too...

SERVO: Redgewood
Rentertainment

Rimited Resents.

-MIKE: Okay. Stop.
-CROW: Hey, cut it out.

We're supposed to be
happy about this?

SERVO: I think.

MIKE: A David Giancola Film

is not something
you'd wanna see.

SERVO: No.

SERVO: I'll have a Scotch
with a "Time Chaser".

CROW:
It's like NFL graphics here.

MIKE: Pada-dap, Pada-dap,
Pada-dap, pa-pa!

SERVO: Hey, is this
that subliminal advertising

-you hear about?
-CROW: I don't know,

but suddenly I'm hungry
for a guy with glasses.

Anyone else?
Guy with glasses?

Nick Miller, you are a genius.

SERVO: A crop-dusting genius!

NICK: God, it worked.

CROW: Well, he cut the lawn
way too short.

He's down to the bedrock.

MIKE: He's gonna hand him off
some Gatorade.

SERVO: Got some leftover
Miami Vice Music here.

MIKE: The plane looks like it
can't think of anything to say.

SERVO: Uh, um,

uh, uh, uh, um, uh...

CROW: Hey, wait a minute.
This isn't our star, is it?

I will not accept this
as our star.

Sorry.

You, you were spectacular!

SERVO: Hey, no tongue.

MAN: Fools in love.

I take it the fuel intake
I put in worked good?

Oh, it's was.
Did-- it was-- it was fine.

It was great.
It was outstanding.

Hey, Morty.

-You wanna do me a favor?
-MAN: Yo?

SERVO: Tell me to stop acting
like Richard Dreyfuss.

Could you--
could you fuel that up

and put it back
in the hangar for me?

Oh, Morty.

Yeah.

I have a--

I've got something
for your collection.

SERVO: Your other gallstone.
Thanks.

MIKE: 2041?

SERVO:
Co-starring Bruce Springsteen's

little brother, Wayne.

CROW: Oh, come on, this can't be
the hero of the film.

-He has a geeky 10-speed.
-SERVO: Yeah, he should

at least have a cool burnt
orange Stingray.

MIKE: Come on down
for parallel parking days.

CROW: No. No, no, no.

This can't be the star,
can it, movie?

Movie, hey, movie,

can I see
your supervisor, movie?

This will not stand.

Woah.

CROW:
Maybe he's going into the house

to meet the real hero
of the film.

-MIKE: Maybe?
-SERVO: Okay.

CROW: Next we're gonna see
the real hero of the film.

Coming up--
D'oh! Geez!

MIKE: Just a floppy disk
for breakfast, honey?

SERVO: You've got male...
pattern baldness.

MIKE: Oh, that's...

CROW:
Flying toasters are pretty.

MIKE:
The X-Files goes to Dublin.

SERVO:
Degas' reclining loser.

MAN: What can I get you?

-MAN TWO: Nothing.
-Oh, what a crock.

CROW: Damn.
I thought Night Court was on.

At Gen-Corp, we believe
that listening to people

is the winning approach.

Listening breeds new ideas,

and new ideas breed innovation.

Innovation is this country's
greatest natural resource.

It's the most powerful
defense weapon.

SERVO: Stop 'splaining.

J.K.: At Gen-Corp,
we champion innovators.

Because of them,
double-hulled tankers are here,

and oil spills are a memory.

SERVO: A good memory.

J.K.: Gen-Corp now sets
worldwide standards

in the aviation safety.

All because of innovators.

Gen-Corp innovators.

We really can't afford
to live without them,

and neither can you.

SERVO: A Division of Plasma,
and part of ConMedTechTon.

-New Technology Development.
-CROW: Oh, no.

SERVO: Marv, hey, it's me,
and I'm nude.

Yes, hello.

I've just completed work

on an amazingly efficient
fuel intake

for small-engine planes.

It's a radical design
and uses 30 percent less fuel.

I noticed you have
a plane here in town,

and I was wondering if you might
come over and take a look.

CROW:
Uh, this is Pizza Hut, sir.

-MIKE: Rocking.
-Sure.

SERVO:
Sure, I'm an unappealing actor

in a bad movie.

-Sure.
-Yes, hello.

I think I've got
a neat local story for you.

You see, my grandmother
is turning 75 tomorrow,

and she's gonna try skydiving
for the very first time.

CROW:
And it's not gonna go too well,

if you know what I mean.

MIKE: Sorry, I killed you, Gary.

Nothing personal.

SERVO:
The modern bachelor lifestyle.

Flying to work

or play.

CROW:
And a phalanx of reporters

comes swooping down--

Well, someone
from the Home Shopper

pulls up in a K-car.

[ Music playing ]

SERVO: Two different plaids?

Man, I'm a naked robot,
and even I know

that's a fashion no-no.

CROW: Oh, yeah.

"Oh, no!
It's Plane Protection Services.

They know I kissed my plane."

-Sa.
-SERVO: Sa?

Nick. How are you?

I'm great.

It's good to see you.

It's been what?
Since the reunion?

-Yeah.
-Wow.

-Are you still in the city?
-Actually, I live here now.

No kidding.
What happened?

MIKE: I became Toni Tennille.

Oh, nothing really I--
Are you still teaching?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Up at
the college, Physics.

We're out
for the summer, though.

So, what brings you here?

I'm here about
a skydiving grandmother.

You work for The Banner.

LISA: Yeah, that's my job here.

SERVO: Pretty lame, huh?

Nick, is she your grandmother?

Well, sort of.
Yeah.

LISA: What do you mean?

CROW:
Well, there's grandma now.

I'll introduce you.

Excuse me.
I'll tell you in a minute.

Be right back.

Hi.

Hi, I'm Nick Miller.

MIKE: Hmm, nice plane,
but it needs more plaid.

NICK: Yup, that's right.
Thanks for coming out.

MATTHEW: That's quite all right.

SERVO: * Love...
love will keep us together *

CROW: He has a computer.

Wow.

-NICK: Almost 50%.
-MATTHEW: 50%?

That's pretty radical.

LISA: Nick, I just realized
your grandmother died

when we were kids.

Lisa, I'd like you to meet
Matthew Paul.

-He's with Gen-Corp Aviation.
-Nice to meet you.

This is Lisa Henson.
She's with our local newspaper.

I'd like to get a look
at this intake if I could.

Well, what I would like to do

is give you both
a quick demonstration first.

So, if you'll jump right in,
we'll be on our way.

All right.

Nick, there's no grandmother?

No. I lied about that.

But don't worry,
there is a story here.

SERVO: So, Mike,
no skydiving grandma, huh?

Man, they lead you up
to something great,

then they just shoot it down.

Stupid grandma leave-'er-outers!

[ Music playing ]

SERVO: See, see, there could
be dozens of grandmas

jumping out of planes right now.

Very entertaining,
very informative... rip-off.

NICK: Okay.

Now, the real reason

I brought you both
up here today.

CROW: To crash.

You see, I've talked to others,
and no one believed me.

So, I decided to lie
a little bit

to at least get someone
to come see this.

-What are you talking about?
-Oh, no.

NICK: Well, you see,
this plane,

well, this stuff,

enables whosever inside it to...

MIKE: Get a film career
that quickly dies.

Travel through time.

Time?

You mean, this isn't about
a fuel-efficient intake?

Things never change,
do they, Nick?

Oh, no, no.
This time they do.

You brought us up here
this morning

-to look at your...
-CROW: Hinder.

time machine.

NICK: That's time transport.

-Yeah.
-Look.

Do you think
you could land this plane?

I mean, I really don't have time
for this nonsense.

SERVO: Time, get it?

I've got a really busy
schedule today.

Relax.
Nick, you're kidding, right?

Hey, look. I know you both think
I'm full of it,

but you won't in a minute.

Now, go ahead
and pick a date in time,

past or future, whatever.

-You're serious?
-NICK: Oh, absolutely.

What the hell, Nick. Take us
50 years into the future.

Okay.

[ Music playing ]

-Anyway.
-SERVO: Yada, yada, yada.

NICK: The computer signals
the molecule accelerators,

which in, turn,
charge the skin of the plane,

enabling whoever's inside
the skin of the plane

to travel through
the passage of time.

SERVO: Do something.

Now, the longer it's charged,

the farther
into the future you go,

and, of course,
I can reverse the polarity

and go back in time, as well.

CROW: That's my butt.

You've got to be kidding me.

Okay.
Now, let's see.

50 years...

September 24th,

2041...

at 12:30, enter.

MIKE: If man is still alive.

You need a reality check, Nick.

God, listen to me.

-NICK: Lisa.
-LISA: What?

Hold on.

MIKE: Look, guys,
the transport countdown

on the computer.

CROW: Oh, I forgot to ask

neither of you have
heart valves, do you?

SERVO:
Oh, and did either of you

eat breakfast this morning?

Oh, you did, huh?

-Oh, my God.
-What did you do?

How's this
for a reality check?

[ Music playing ]

CROW: We're in Dar es Salaam.

SERVO: The future
means cheesy graphics.

[ Music playing ]

CROW: Yeah. Okay.
All right.

MIKE: The, um...
future.

Oh, mom, I got another call.
I'll call you back.

CROW: So, in the future,
kids become gay agents?

SERVO: So, 50 years from now,
it'll be 3 years from now.

-Lisa Kudrow.
-MIKE: It's her.

I need your cash now.

SERVO: Made completely
of animal feces.

-Come on.
-Yeah, but...

MIKE: You see, in the future,
men wear long, leather coats,

and there are junior colleges,
right here, see.

SERVO: Hey, look, a lesbian,
of the future.

Food courts of the future.

LISA: I don't believe this.

It's like a dream.

-MATTHEW: This is 2041.
-NICK: This is 2041.

-LISA: Nick, you did it.
-MATTHEW: You are a genius.

LISA: You've been working
on this all your life.

MIKE: Yeah, sad, really.

Well, in effect, you could use
this thing to change history.

CROW: Oh, yeah, we could
prevent Newt Gringrich,

Jim Carrey,
and the Smashing Pumpkins.

That's not why
I brought you here.

MIKE: I want you to buy me
an Orange Julius.

Honestly, I'm out of money,

and I need more,
so I can continue my work,

now that I've made
this breakthrough.

So, what can Gen-Corp
do for you?

I need an R&D grant.

I want to be able
to continue my work.

-This is big.
-SERVO: Big and pink.

This is very big.

What's the use of a time machine
for Gen-Corp?

I'll give you an example.

CROW: You could send an egg
into the future.

We could study
the long-term effects

that we're having
on our environment.

-We could...
-MIKE: We could send Bob Saget

to meet Charlemagne.

We could figure out a way
to stop shooting at each other.

You know, if you went back
a hundred years in the past,

and put a
hundred dollars in the bank,

and then came back
a hundred years to the present,

God, the interest alone
would make you a millionaire.

NICK: Yeah. Well.

SERVO:
I'm going over to Sbarro.

Anyway, these ideas are just a--

just a tip of the iceberg.

Listen, Nick, I'm going to go
over the heads of my bosses here

and take us directly
to J.K. Robertson.

The CEO of Gen-Corp?

The, the, the guy
that does the TV commercials?

That's the one.

Look, I will drive him up
here from the city

personally if I have to, huh?

That would be great.

I take it we're ready to go?

I don't think
I'll be ever ready.

I'll bring you back
on a tour sometime.

I like that.

CROW: Oh, man, here we go.

MATTHEW: I got to get a call
into Robertson.

SERVO:
I'll walk back to the past.

MIKE: And they fly through
another Spirograph drawing.

CROW: I left my keys
at the ManchuWOK of the future.

SERVO: Here they come.
Who's got the rice?

MIKE: Hi. I'm Bob Evil.

Everyone,
this is an auspicious day

in the history of the world.

Today, we have entered
the fourth dimension.

We're about to be
the only ones with the key.

SERVO:
Yup, yup, yup, yup.

-Nick.
-MIKE: Hug me.

I'll have a car pick you up
in the morning

to take you to my headquarters
in the city.

CROW: Dress real pretty.

Ms. Henson.

You're a part of this project,

and I want you working
for Gen-Corp.

I need someone to document

and work on promotion
of the transport.

Mr. Robertson, I currently have
a job at The Banner.

Then, it's time for you
to make a career decision.

I'm offering you a large salary

and an opportunity to report
on something very important.

I think you understand
how the transport

will change life as we know it.

-No, thanks.
-SERVO: We have free coffee.

You're turning me down?

I'm not interested
in working for Gen-Corp.

I understand.

You think you got yourself
a scoop here,

you're probably think
it'll go national,

-make yourself quite a name.
-CROW: Yes, ma'am.

-That's possible.
-No, it isn't.

CROW: No, ma'am.

I don't think I have to tell you
how important this is.

This has to be kept
under total secrecy

until we understand
what we're dealing with.

If this fell into the wrong
hands, it might...

Who said you were
the right hands?

You know
what I'm talking about.

LISA: Even more than you do.

NICK: Now, look, Lisa.

Nick, these guys
are gonna bury you

with their corporate crap.

Take the job.

They have to keep
this under wraps.

-I understand that.
-SERVO: I'm greedy and stupid.

No, thanks.

Why are you
throwing this away?

Why are you?

MIKE: We don't brook back sass
from our fillies, Nick.

You have to expect
this sort of thing, Nick.

People want as big a piece
as they can get.

SERVO: Yup.

Now, I'm gonna leave
a couple of men here

to watch the hangar
until we can set up

-a full facility here.
-Do you think that's necessary?

Absolutely, buddy, it's just
a precaution, trust me.

[ Servo laughs maniacally ]

And, Nick, I must also ask you
not to discuss this

with anyone from now on.

Besides the fact that
my company

is besieged with
corporate spies,

the transport
is a national security risk.

Well, all new technology
is at first.

Hey, am I making myself
clear on this?

-Do you understand?
-Yeah, yeah.

CROW:
You're evil, and that's okay.

No one would
believe me anyway.

You know, you're right.

All right,
we'll see you tomorrow.

Let's go, boys.

MIKE: Let's go,
director's college buds

who brought their own suits
to the shoot.

MAN: Leonard and Jacobson,

I want you two to stay here
until the deployment arrives.

And, Matt,

you are now VP.

I wanna see you
in an office on my floor

-first of the week.
-Yes, sir.

SERVO:
In a more dignified suit.

MIKE: It's really more
of a prom limo, isn't it?

SERVO: Yes.

CROW: Search: celebrities,
nude, Cameron Diaz.

SERVO: I wonder if I should've
held out for more than $65.

MIKE: He's looking
for the names of other girls

who talked to him in high
school, and nothing's coming up.

Oh, we're not
wasting any time.

CROW: Did somebody tape
a dinner roll to his chin?

SERVO: At this point,
I'm getting pretty tired

of watching the security video
of his bachelor life.

CROW: Loser status confirmed.

SERVO:
Come to Martin's, what up?

[ Music playing ]

CROW: Some fruit,
and I suppose I better buy

toilet paper,
girl's coming over later.

MIKE: Who am I trying to kid?
I never went to Castleton.

-GILDA: Nicky.
-NICK: Mrs. Heinz, how are you?

SERVO:
How's your ketchup empire?

Look at you,
look how thin you are.

I told your mother
you're gonna get too thin.

That's because I haven't had any

of your good
home-cooking in a while.

GILDA: You can always come
to my house,

but you never do.

SERVO:
Because I'm frightened of you.

GILDA: You're not getting
any younger anymore, either.

And it's your fault,
you work too hard.

-Mrs. Heinz...
-GILDA: You're such a nice

young, handsome man,

you need a young lady
to help you out.

Will you excuse me
for just a moment?

All right, all right.
I'm going, but you be good.

SERVO: See you
at community theater practice.

CROW:
The haunting bakery theme.

MIKE: The sample lady
has got pizza in aisle 5.

SERVO:
I'd like to double-bag you.

MIKE: Oh, great.

I was--
I was gonna call you.

Hi.

Sorry about last week.

-NICK: That's okay.
-It's the reporter in me.

I wasn't trying
to blow your deal.

-NICK: Oh, you didn't.
-You signed?

I signed the next day.

SERVO: You hide the mic
in the broccoli?

So...

You're cooking dinner?

Are you offering dinner?

CROW:
No I'm saying, make me dinner.

NICK: Yes, yes, I am.

Well, what should we get?

Nothing here, nothing.

I've got a better idea.

CROW: Let's eat a bicycle,
that's a better idea.

SERVO: And listening
to the Light Jazz station.

* I learned the truth at 17 *

* That love was made *

* For beauty queens *

[ Doors closing ]

SERVO: It's the perfect chance
to help Mike.

You see, you'll go back
into his past,

convince him to take
a new direction in his life.

And then time changes
so that Mike

never becomes trapped
on the satellite at all.

Yeah, yeah, but what
if things go wrong?

Well, there's a small chance
we'll warp ourselves

and the rest of the universe
out of existence.

-Cool.
-Yeah.

-Accessing 1985 now.
-Okay, okay.

-Let see, Central Wisconsin.
-Right.

Homing in on Mike.

-Wow.
-Oh, man, what a loser.

Look at him, he's working
at a cheese factory,

he's going absolutely nowhere.
[ Gasping ]

Great Scott.

He's a Journey fan.

We have to help him.

I'm coming, Mike!

Okay, Crow, remember,

try not to be conspicuous,

blend in!

MAN:
Mike Nelson to the lunch room,

there's a robot from the future
waiting for you.

So, much for blending in, huh?

-Oh, hello.
-Dude.

-MIKE: Hey, man.
-Dude.

Can we make this quick?

It's coming
out of my break time.

Yes. Greetings, young Mike.

My name is Crow,

and I've come from the future

to help you change
your miserable dead-end life.

Geez, nobody said
anything about that.

-How does that work?
-Dude.

Mike, you are about to embark
on an endless

worthless string of temp jobs.

Hey, man, tempin's great.

You know, it's flexible hours,
you can sleep in.

You can ditch whenever you want.

Well, actually,
that sounds pretty good.

Do you get bennies with that?

-Blue Cross.
-Wow, that sounds cool.

How do I-- no, what am I saying.

Mike, I have seen
your grim future.

If you don't change your life,

eventually,
you'll be shot up into space

and forced to watch
terrible movies.

Shot up into space.
Did you hear that, man?

-Dude.
-That'd be outrageous.

It'd be like space 1999 or so.

No, no, now, listen to me,
you simp!

I mean, what about
your dreams, your hopes?

A hollow desperate eternity
in space,

that's no future for you.

Yeah. But it beats getting
burned by the cryovac machine.

Dude.

Exactly when in the future

will you become
not stupid, Mike?

SERVO: Crow, this is Tom.

Maybe you should just kill him
or something.

-I don't know.
-Hey, who's that?

-That's God.
-Whoa, dude.

SERVO: Crow, wrap it up.
It's almost commercial sign.

I'm coming.

Okay, Mike, I'll be back
in just a second.

Eat your lunch or something,

and don't take any temp jobs
while I'm gone, okay?

Boy.

[ Music playing ]

-MIKE: Robot from the future.
-Dude.

[ Music playing ]

SERVO:
* Well, I'm lost in love *

* And I don't know much *

* When you get caught *

* Between the moon *

* And New York City *

* Every night *

* I'm lying in bed *

* Holding you close
to my dreams *

* Whoa *

MIKE: Hey, we rented
three vintage cars,

and damn it,
we're gonna use them.

CROW: Oh, the '50s, when
everyone walked around saying,

"Hey" all the time.

[ Music playing ]

SERVO: Say, can I get sky miles
if I put this on my Visa Gold?

[ Music playing ]

CROW: The '50s, huh?

MIKE:
Yeah, there's Mrs. Khrushchev

sweeping the sidewalk.

SERVO: Both gonna get
poodle skirts right away.

[ Music playing ]

MIKE: Now for some
good, old-fashioned

'50s heavy petting.

SERVO: Shouldn't he be,
like, piloting the plane?

Nick, what is that?

-CROW: That means I like you.
-What is it?

-I don't know.
-LISA: Where are we?

NICK: Well, it says
September 25th, 2041.

But we were here,
it doesn't look like that.

NICK: My God.

There's something
very wrong here.

-MIKE: There's no food courts.
-It looks like there was a war.

SERVO: You'll have to take
my word for it,

we can't afford to show it.

NICK: I ran diagnostic
on the computer,

everything is fine.

CROW:
The lithium crystals are fine

and everything else.

2041, something's happened.

The future's been changed.

We got to find out
what happened.

Did you bring your ray gun?

SERVO: Well, no.

Mommy and...

For some reason,
Vermont became

the epicenter of the dystopia.

CROW: Ben and Jerry's
was the key to the Armageddon.

MIKE: The future
still has Mason Reese.

SERVO: See, they opened
a Walmart across the street

just a week before,
and this is the result.

CROW: Hey, Servo,
the future looks like your room.

SERVO:
Hey, if we find an old couch,

I could really use it.

MIKE: After the apocalypse,

things were really
fairly untidy.

CROW: Mm-hmm.

So, apparently,
they didn't reduce

the capital gains tax,
after all.

-Shame, really?
-MIKE: Yeah.

SERVO: Still, guys tape up
posters for their bands.

-The city is totally destroyed.
-Yeah.

It looks like it's been this way
for a while.

There's got to be someone
around still, somewhere.

[ Gun cocking, gasping ]

SERVO: Chimney sweeps
took over the future.

-I'm Nick, this...
-CROW: Honey.

This is Lisa.

[ Indistinct conversation ]

NICK: Easy, easy.
Look, we're not from this time.

-MIKE: Oh, boy.
-NICK: From the past.

Travelers, huh?

Yeah. Yeah.
You know about time travel?

Where's your transport?

Tell us what's
happened here, please.

Tell me
where your transport is.

SERVO: The death
of Anthony Michael Hall.

-[ Guns cocking ]
-MIKE: Wow.

SERVO: People are opening
a lot of beers up there.

CROW:
So, it's an armed Levis ad.

[ Music playing ]

You better let me go
or they're gonna shoot us all.

MIKE: In the future,
people will rub themselves

with old oil filters.

CROW:
Ah, so Drew Carey's nemesis Mimi

survives the apocalypse.

SERVO: You're gonna give me
all your Soylent Green, man.

MIKE: Now, you see,
hire the guy who works

in your dad's print shop
as an actor,

and this is what you get.

SERVO: We're taking you to see
the Grand High Dirtbag now.

CROW: Well, welcome
to Teaberry Walk,

it's part our riverfront
revitalization project.

[ Music playing ]

-Nick.
-Yeah.

Don't tell anyone else
about the transport.

Right.

SERVO: I don't think
their date's going that well.

MIKE: Well, on the other hand,

this is always gonna be
their own little apocalypse.

CROW: Uh-huh.

[ Gunshot ]

MAN:
I want the travelers, Victor.

Sorry, Nick,
you ain't getting them.

You shoot, and I'll waste them.

That's a dangerous game.

-[ Gunshots ]
-CROW: Oh, that guy got shot.

How could they do that?
He was great.

Oh, all the best
characters dying.

-Geez.
-SERVO: The danger of going off

with men you meet
at the grocery store,

clearly illustrated right here.

CROW: The LL Bean Gang.

SERVO: Argh,
16 men on a dead Dodge Dart.

MIKE: Hey, they found safe haven
in Jennifer Beal's

"Flashdance" apartment.

CROW: What a feeling, huh?

MIKE: Sherry, action realtor.

SERVO: Boy, I hope
they end up together.

At the bottom of a well,
torn apart by animals.

CROW: Your butt looks good
in the future.

MAN: Hey, quiet. Shh.

SERVO: Big boys don't cry.

[ Music playing ]

SERVO: This is "Ironweed"
all of a sudden?

Who are they?

Found them in the sector.

They're travelers.

Travelers?

Do you still have
your transport?

Uh, no. Stolen.

CROW: By elves, yeah.

-How did you know...?
-MAN: Because you ain't

from around here.

Nobody from around here
looks like you for long.

MIKE: Where's your filth?

Stolen, huh?

-Damn.
-Did you find water?

-No.
-SERVO: Made some, though.

But I found this.

[ Music playing ]

MIKE: Now, you know, that guy
could use chinderwear.

-SERVO: Mm-hmm.
-LISA: Nick? Nick?

CROW: Thanks for leaving me
with the bums.

Nick?

-This is all my fault.
-SERVO: Exactly.

You couldn't have known
what would happen.

I never should have let anyone
know about the transport

'till I had a chance
to test it more.

You didn't invent
the transport to destroy.

We were here before,
and everything was fine.

The future wasn't affected.

SERVO:
But what about my hockey hair?

Robertson...

It was Robertson...
the last time I was here

was when I gave the demo
of the transport to Robertson.

But everything was fine then.

Yeah, but it must've been
after that

that he decided to use
the transport to be a weapon.

-SERVO: So I'm blameless.
-What do we do?

Well, we got to get
to Robertson.

We've got to make him
change his mind,

and if that doesn't work,
I'll pull the project

-from Gen-Corp myself.
-Can you do that?

What are you doing out here?

You'll be seen.

We were just leaving.

Where are you going?

We're gonna try
and change things.

Yeah, right.

CROW: Can you change the fact
that I have crunchy pants?

Everybody wants
to change history.

MIKE: Me, I just wanna find
a little beefaroni

at the bottom of a can.

I'd start by finding the guy

who invented
the time transport

and cut his throat.

CROW: Michael Moore
in 30 years.

SERVO: Yes, an exciting career
in aviation awaits you

at Time Chasers
Community College.

SERVO: Hey, Tom Bosley
is their valet.

Put this in a hangar for me,
will you?

And cancel all testing today,
tell everyone.

Robertson has military
backing.

He knows the big generals,
he's not gonna blow

the biggest deal
of his career very easily.

Then, we'll take him
to the future, if we have to.

He'll have to agree with us
after he sees that.

Nick, my boy, how are you?

NICK: J.K.,
we need to meet immediately.

-What's wrong?
-I have a serious problem

with the project.

J.K.: What do you mean?
What's so serious?

We need to meet right away.

J.K.: Okay. Take the helicopter,
and I'll see you in an hour.

NICK: Fine, see you in an hour.

CROW: I'll be the guy sitting
at the desk in a mall skyway.

SERVO: Am I exploiting
my core competencies?

* Tall and tan and young
and lovely *

* The girl from...

CROW: Vermont, city on the go.

MIKE: They were so excited
to be in a limo,

they called the driver,
like, 26 times.

CROW: You and your date
will be whisked off

to Marion Jordan Junior High.

SERVO: So, the guy's office
is in a branch library?

Ding, ding.

Children's book circle

will be "Madeline's Rescue"
at 3:00 p.m.

Nick, Lisa, how are you both?

Not so great.

We've got a problem.

J.K.: So you said.
Have a seat.

CROW: Do you need
your books renewed?

J.K.: Now, what's the problem?

We've got to stop the project.

Stop the project?

Don't be ridiculous. Why?

LISA: Don't be coy.

We know you're developing
the transport to be a weapon.

-SERVO: You got me.
-I am not.

-How can you say that?
-CROW: I am not.

We've been to the future.

It's a-- it's a wasteland.

In the future,
the world's an anarchy

because of its use as a weapon.

-MIKE: Is not.
-The transport?

LISA: When you affect history,
you affect the future.

-It causes a tangent.
-Right.

It skews the future.

I know that,
but listen to yourself.

You're saying
I've affected the future.

NICK: No, you will.

But I haven't yet.
We're not in anarchy yet.

Yeah, in 30 years we will be.

Yes, but until that time,

we'll figure out a way
to change it, right?

Yes, but the only way
to be sure is to stop now.

CROW: Listen, do you want
your library card revoked?

Nick, be reasonable.

We're talking millions here.

What we need to do is find out
what our problems are

and fix them.

Now, I want you to get on this
thing, and I want you find out

-just what we need.
-No, no, no.

There's nothing to work on.

SERVO: Except your goofy office.

If you don't stop the project,

I will pull my license
agreement with your company.

Are you threatening me?

No, I'm telling you.
If we don't stop now,

there'll be no future
for any of us.

-Including you.
-CROW: You Castleton-snob.

Look, just come
to the future with us,

so you could at least see
what you've done.

What I have done?
What did you think?

Did you think we were going
to use the transport

to take kids on history trips?

You knew full well
the power of the transport.

Just come with us to the future.

You have to see
what will happen.

J.K.: Forget it.

SERVO: I don't have a swimsuit.

I've been there,
and we will take care of it.

You've been using
the transport already?

I've already built another one.

Then, you've known about this
for some time.

That's right.

And we will be careful
in presenting this project,

but that's it.

How can you do this after
you've seen what will happen?

-It's easy.
-Not really.

This project is over.
Come on.

J.K.: Nick, this is now
a government project.

You no longer have any control
whatsoever.

Wait a minute.
You read my contract.

I can change anything,
any time I want.

No, you read it.

-MIKE: No, you read it.
-J.K.: Section 57, paragraph 4.

If a manufacture of any product

from the outcome
of this contract

is deemed of value

or a threat
to national security,

the government will appoint
a project supervisor.

That supervisor
has total control,

-overriding any previous...
-CROW: Total control.

...established in this
document.

That's a government law,
not a Gen-Corp one.

And who's the appointed
supervisor?

-CROW: Harvey Korman.
-Well, I am, of course.

This is beyond any contract.

J.K.: I think you're right.

Jacobson, we have here
a couple of corporate spies.

What?

They've just informed me,
they're going to try

to destroy the TTP project.

I informed them
it was now a military operation,

and they could be tried
as traitors.

They then threatened me.

Hand them over
to the military attache,

-I'll call down a report later.
-Don't you do this.

SERVO: Sir, you need
a screw gun up here?

You know how serious this is.

Yes, I know.

I think they give traitors
life imprisonment?

MIKE: But you've probably wanna
check with a lawyer on that.

-Get them out of my office.
-Let's go.

CROW: You mean
out of your mezzanine, sir?

SERVO: So, why
the big circus mirror?

CROW: [ Stuttering ]
W-Wall St-st-Street.

-Nick?
-Yeah?

Find a lawyer.

Right.

MIKE: If you don't mind me
saying so,

that's a real cute top, ma'am.

Nick?

CROW: Ooh, he threw
Michael Medved at him.

I never should've joined
the Physics Club in high school.

Seal up the elevator, now.

They'll be waiting
for us downstairs.

MIKE: Me alone.

CROW: The crossing guards.

SERVO: They got off
on the second floor,

they're masters of escape.

CROW: I know where
the snack machines are,

come on, come on.

[ Servo simulating
drum fills ]

SERVO: Do we have time
for a passport photo?

Probably not.

[ Servo simulating
drum fills ]

MIKE: You know, I wonder
if she ever got her groceries

-in the fridge.
-CROW: Oh, yeah.

SERVO: Hmm, I wonder.

Great, we're lost.

CROW: The adventures
of the average people.

-SERVO: Oh.
-No. Yeah, definitely found,

left, left, left, left.

SERVO: Come on,
we got to caulk those windows.

[ Servo simulating
drum fills ]

Let go of my bra strap.

CROW: Real acid-wash action.

SERVO: Great. Now the garbage
truck's backing up.

[ Servo simulating
drum fills ]

Come on, this way.

MIKE: Even though I see them
running the other way.

[ Servo simulating
drum fills ]

CROW: As Gena Rowlands
arrives for her temp shift.

What? How?

You understand they're both
very dangerous people?

Absolutely, shoot to kill.
I've got a whole building

full of people here,
I want them taken out.

SERVO: I got a whole building
here of people --

J.K., what's going on?

Matt, it's time for you
to decide

if you're gonna be one
of my team players or not.

[ Thunder rolling ]

Taxi! Taxi!

Right there, hey. Here.

SERVO: Your chin's gonna have
to go in the trunk, sir.

-Go, please. Go.
-MAN: Destination, please.

-Anywhere, north.
-MAN: North?

LISA: I don't see them.

I'd like to point out that north
is a not a destination,

but a direction.

NICK: Yes, and the direction
we need to go, please.

I think we lost them.

-Yeah, for now.
-Now, what do we do?

I don't know.

Nick, we've got to destroy
the transport.

-It wouldn't do any good.
-Why?

They've copied all my software,
they'd just make another one.

MAN: Excuse me, excuse me.

I come from New York, New York.

-CROW: New York, New York.
-I'm an actor.

Yeah, that's good. If you could
act your way north,

-that would be great.
-SERVO: New York, New York.

CROW: I'd suggest
the suicide pact, personally.

-We've gotta go back in time.
-Why?

We've gotta stop my past self
from giving the demo

of the transport to Robertson.

SERVO: I won't
see him anymore.

What good would that do?

Because if he doesn't
give the demo,

none of this happens.

[ Music playing ]

Listen, Mike of the past,

you are a promising young man.

Bright, handsome,

well-loved,

culturally aware and...

Hey, look, man, Loni Anderson.

Hey, will you put those down,
you idiot.

You stupid, repulsive...
hope of our nation's future.

Do you realize the gifts
you're squandering

if you stay trapped here?

Like-- like your band,

your wonderful music.

Whoa, that's true,
robot from the future.

I won't be able to make my gigs
if I'm stuck up in space.

Yes, your gigs,
dim young version of Mike.

Your music,

which, if you nurture
through these coming years,

could bring meaning
and solace to millions.

What's your band's name, again?

Sex Factory.

And you're right,
we totally rock.

And I don't wanna be stuck up
in space...

-No.
-...watching stinky movies

-when I could rock the world.
-Right.

I'm out of here, man.
I'm quitting.

Rock on.

Thick as a slab
of Canadian bacon.

Well, bit of effort,
but still in the end,

A+, Crow.

-Dude.
-Dude.

Yes.

Excuse me, I'm gonna go
check on the gouda.

Yup, good work, Crow.

Why, thank you, Crow.
Oh, sorry.

Hey, watch where you're going,
you skinny freak.

Gee whiz, sorry, Mike.
I didn't mean to.

Mike? Who the hell's Mike?

Eddie, Eddie.
Hi, Eddie, sorry, Eddie.

-Here I am, Eddie.
-Where've you been, midget?

Sorry, Eddie.
It won't happen again, Eddie.

I was ashing.

So-- oh, boy.

You're not Mike or...

Mike? Who the hell's Mike?
I don't know no Mikes.

Yeah, shush, Crow.
Eddie don't know Mikes.

-What are you talking about?
-Hey, hey, shut up.

Shutting up, Eddie, right away.

Except for my loser kid
brother, Mike.

-Oh.
-You know that idiot quit

our temp jobs to go work
with his band?

-Band.
-Yeah, and missed out

on some really great jobs.

Some of them
even minimum wage.

Minimum wage.

This would have been
a great job.

Except for those two guys
shoving me up into space

when that sleepy-eyed guy left.

So, Edward.

-Eddie, the name's Eddie.
-Eddie.

So, Edward,

your brother's band
didn't do too well or...

You're kidding,
they were doing great.

They were already opening
for Motörhead

when Mike bought it.

What? What?

Yeah, he couldn't, he totally
kacked right on stage.

-Hey, what are you? Stupid?
-Oh, yeah.

Assume I am.

You know,
the Cleveland Civic Center.

Cleveland.

You know, those chicks
were really digging him.

They're throwing their hotel
keys up on the stage.

-They keys.
-Couple of them big ones,

caught him in the bean.

He went down.

Never got up again.

Died like a mangy dog
right on stage.

Man, I was really proud of him.

-Excellent death.
-Excellent.

CROW: This reality
is even worse for Mike.

I gotta get back and warn him.

Hey, this little pencil neck
just say our reality sucked?

Yeah, Eddie,
he sure did, Eddie.

I heard him, Eddie.
That's it.

Oh, now we got movie sign.

Get inside the theatre, runt.

And you bring me a beer.

Grabbing a beer, Eddie,
right away, Eddie.

Grabbing a beer.

[ Doors opening ]

SERVO: Ow, Eddie,
ow, ow, ow, that's my neck.

-EDDIE: Shut up.
-SERVO: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Thanks, Eddie.
[ Servo laughing ]

LISA: We're never gonna
get to that plane.

NICK: Yes, we are.

What would MacGyver do?

EDDIE: Get cancelled.

Get some gum and turn it
into a nuclear device,

and I'm out of gum.

No, nothing short

of planes crashing
on the runway

are gonna get these guys
out of the hangar.

SERVO: Because in Time Chasers,

they don't take
American Express.

[ Music playing ]

SERVO: Sir, would you mind
crashing on the runway

so my friend can get away?
Thank you.

EDDIE: You know,
they use these planes

for running black market
maple syrup into Vermont.

SERVO: Yeah, this guy's
swallowing condoms

full of maple syrup...
[ Laughing ]

CROW: Northwest could fit
200 people onto this plane.

EDDIE: Usually when I'm
in one of these,

a big chin guy's trying
to kiss me.

SERVO: Oh, she's disguised
as Lisa, our Time Life operator.

EDDIE: Well, let's see.
Did something with a switch

-when he was pawin' me.
-Mayday, mayday, SOS.

Mayday, mayday, help.

SERVO: Director's cousin,
can I help you?

Unit 5, go ahead.

My pilot just had a heart
attack, and I think he's dead.

You gotta help me
because I can't fly.

What is your end number?

LISA: I don't know.

- Where is it?
-SERVO: Thanks, Eddie.

Located straight in front of you
on the instrument panel.

-55201.
-MAN: What is your heading

and how far are you
from the airport?

I'm not really sure.

I think I'm close
to the airport, though, and, um,

there's mountains
to the right and

there's mountains to the left...

EDDIE: Yeah, I'll work
the register for a while.

Don't worry, lady,
we'll talk you down.

Get your guys out there.

I think she's gonna drop
short of the runway.

EDDIE: Hey, she's gonna drop
shorts on them--

Hey, everybody,
she's gonna drop shorts

-on the runway.
-SERVO: That's funny, Eddie.

EDDIE:
That's their special truck

devoted to when women drop
shorts on the runway.

-SERVO: Really funny, Eddie.
-EDDIE: Shut up.

LISA: I think I can see
the airport

in front of me. Hurry.

SERVO: When shorts are dropped,
we'll be there.

You guys got a mayday
coming in on runway 2.

I need some help here.
Let's go.

SERVO: So they're
the really nice evil guys.

EDDIE: What? Are they hoping
to catch the plane?

SERVO: I can't help
with the plane crash,

I screw everything up.

-EDDIE: It takes a chin.
-SERVO: Chin.

Hey, where's your badge?

SERVO: You're out of paper
towels in the bathroom.

EDDIE: You didn't count
on the assistant janitor.

SERVO: You know, I find myself
wanting to suggest

other places he could hit him.

It's probably not
what they wanted, is it?

CROW: No.

You know,

this is not my hangar.

You got that right.

[ Grunts ]

How much fuel
do you have on board?

I don't know.

I think it's on empty.

EDDIE: Which way
out the hangar thing, sir?

MAN: Is your autopilot on?

I don't know.

Is it supposed to be?

It's the square box
to your right with a light on.

Yeah, I think it is. Um...

Can you hold on a minute?

I think I'm gonna be sick.

MAN: Aircraft in distress...

SERVO: So she wasn't crashing,
after all?

That bites.

It's just like the grandma thing
all over again.

How am I supposed
to trust this movie, huh?

SERVO: [ Makes noise ]
He farted.

EDDIE: Hey, shut up,
that was you.

SERVO: Sorry.

He's fighting Michael Franks.

What are you doing?

SERVO: That's my favorite 2x4.
Give it back.

Oh, I see. This is Northwest
customer service.

CROW: Uh-huh.

These guy's real strength
is that he's totally used

to getting wailed on.

EDDIE: Ah, he's got
a really strong girlfriend.

That helps, trust me.

Well, he started it.

SERVO: I got me all over me.

Climb aboard. Time for another
make out session.

[ Singing in foreign language ]

EDDIE: I think
it's the Spruce Gnat.

SERVO: I leave for 20 minutes,
and Evil Co is in shambles.

CROW: I'm a team player.

SERVO: They crash and get eaten
by a soccer team

or a baseball team
or a bridge club.

I don't care.

EDDIE: I'm gonna squint
the hell out of them.

Is the other one ready?

Yes, sir.

Get it started. We gotta get
going before they time jump.

MATT: Do you want me
to ready a crew?

That won't be necessary.

SERVO: [ Coughs ]
Got to quit smoking.

The villain takes off in hot...
well-warmed... tepid pursuit.

CROW: Get your hand off
my leg, sir.

EDDIE: So, they travel back
30 seconds

and crash into themselves.

When are we going to?

Well, I figure we'll go back
to the morning

before I give the demo
to Robertson.

That ought to give us
enough time.

CROW: What did you do
with my groceries?

Can you convince yourself
not to give the demo?

Would you listen to yourself?

EDDIE: Oh, you're right,
I'm stupid.

You spent your whole life
on the transport.

You had a different
outlook on it back then.

Yeah, well, I don't know,
just seeing myself in the past

ought to cause enough of
a tangent to change all of this.

CROW: He's making up physics
as he goes along.

What if we don't meet
in the future?

SERVO: I guess I'll have to bike
home from the grocery store.

We only met
because of the transport.

-Lisa, I...
-EDDIE: I wanna see women

-from other centuries.
-Lisa...

SERVO: I slipped some artichokes
into your cart.

-No.
-EDDIE: Uh-oh.

SERVO: Uh-oh, his chin butt
is engulfing her.

CROW: Wow.

EDDIE: Where's your tongue
right now?

Because I seem to have two.

SERVO: Eddie,
I bet you've done this a lot.

EDDIE: You bet, every day.

CROW: Should the sky
have trees and houses

and be rushing right towards us?

Well, are you ready to go?

SERVO: Sure, if you let me out
of the Half Nelson.

-Let's go.
-SERVO: Let's buy more plaid.

Okay. Let's go.

CROW: I'm willing to settle.

EDDIE: Cool.
Zuba's faces.

NICK: Okay. We're here.

-SERVO: I like pie.
-[ Gun shots ]

EDDIE: The track meet
is starting,

and starting and starting
and starting.

Robertson. They time-jumped us!

SERVO: That was a big bug. Wow.

Lisa? Lisa! Lisa!

EDDIE: Oh, that was a good
chicken head.

Oh.

NICK: Lisa? Oh. God.
No, please, Lisa.

Lisa!

CROW: Forgot to take my Coke
out of the freezer.

SERVO: They're running out
of alt.

And their MPH knots
are going down.

CROW: Can't get
my umbrella open.

SERVO: Sir, I'm a little worried
about lunch.

It's almost 12:30.

EDDIE: He should have
opened the window

before he snagged.

[ Music playing ]

SERVO: * It's the eye
of the tiger... *

[ Humming ]

EDDIE: Cool.

CROW: He went so far
back in the past,

he wasn't flight-certified yet.

SERVO:
* Red skies at night

* Red skies at night

* Oh, oh. *

CROW: He's gonna land on
Aeschylus' head.

EDDIE:
Oh, her Cinnaburst broke.

SERVO: Bye, Lisa.
Hope everything works out.

[ Explosion ]

Lisa!

SERVO: Ah, great scenery
but crappy movie.

EDDIE: Oh, man,
I got shrinkage--

Oh, wait, that's normal.

CROW: Sorry, Edward.

EDDIE: Shut up.

SERVO: Get the gaff, Wally.

MAN: Mister, you got out
of there none too soon.

-MAN: Anybody else with you?
- SERVO: Duh, what?

What?

Get out.

EDDIE: I'm taking
all your wax worms.

SERVO: Good one, Eddie.

Well, this is as good
as any Bond film.

Gold Bond medicated powder,
that is.

CROW: The movie really heightens
the lack of interest

in the film.

SERVO: Yeah, I think-- Huh?

EDDIE: Hey, John Oates, no!

SERVO: Michael Med-dead.

That's an Alumacraft.
I can't do it.

I can't do it, J.K..

The boat was moving too fast.
I couldn't get a bead--

I thought you were
part of the team.

CROW: That doesn't mean
I'm a good shot, I mean...

EDDIE: The guy's such a jerk,

he brought a bag
of zebra mussels

to toss them overboard.

SERVO: Hey, that moss has
taken a "lichen" to that tree.

EDDIE: Hey, what I say
about puns?

-SERVO: To jam them up my...
-EDDIE: That's right.

SERVO: Okay.

EDDIE: Hey.

MATT: I don't see him anymore.
He must have made the trees.

Nick's a very lucky man.

So what do we do now?

I'm from the head of a Fortune
500 company, I can just...

Well, that's in the future.

And in the past.

Yeah, right.

I have control of the situation.

We just have to get rid
of this one detail.

EDDIE: Hey, Miami Beach.

[ Panting ]

CROW: Man,
I wet every bit of me.

Look.

SERVO: Oh, if only he were
between a mother grizzly

and her cub right now.

CROW: Hmm.

Let's see, I could kill me,

hollow me out,
and live in me.

Grandpa.

SERVO: What about his grandpa?

Yes.

Oh, you idiot.

I'm in the-- I'm in the past.

-SERVO: Ewww.
-I'm in the past.

SERVO: No monologues
with poopy pants, please.

EDDIE: Yeah.

So long as my past self doesn't
give a demo of the transport

to Robertson,
this could still work.

EDDIE: You hear that,
squirrels and bunnies?

-SERVO: Bunnies.
-Where the hell's the airport?

SERVO: Tonight on a very special
episode of Family,

Kristy McNichol
goes for a bike ride.

[ Music playing ]

SERVO: It's weird
with the training wheels off.

EDDIE: You ought to get
a real big sissy bar.

SERVO:
It's the hockey hair police.

[ Sirens wailing in distance ]

EDDIE: Uh-oh,
Phyllis Diller's cooking again.

SERVO: [ Laughing ]
Phyllis.

[ Sirens continue wailing ]

EDDIE:
Hey, children of the corn.

-SERVO: Hi.
-CROW: Hi.

NICK: Marty.

EDDIE: He's drinking fuel
straight from the tap.

NICK: Marty.

SERVO: I wasn't playing
Sun City.

Who's that?

MARTY: I don't know.
Some guys from the government,

Gen-Corp, they're looking
for something.

What thing?

I don't know,
but they're really serious.

Gen-Corp?

CROW: Let's go build
the homecoming float.

SERVO: Gotta finish my column.

Mabel Torgeson was the guest

of the Alvin Johnsons
on Thursday night,

juice and lemon bars
were served.

Lauren Tewes
in "Absence of Malice".

WOMAN: Lisa.

I know, I'm on my way.
The flying grandmother.

No, we're dumping it.

Oh, for what?

Plane crash
over Lake Bomoseen.

Plane crash?
Anyone killed?

-It just came over the box.
-Maybe it was the grandmother.

Just get over there.

Hey, wait a minute.
How come I'm getting this?

Jeff and Terry
are on assignment.

If it is the grandma,
get pictures.

EDDIE: Yeah, those dead
grandma pictures,

they bring in the readers.

[ Music playing ]

[ Panting ]

SERVO: Mile in 27 minutes,
it's pretty good.

[ Crying ]

[ All barking ]

CROW: Master of disguise.

So, is this Prefontaine
or post-fontaine?

SERVO: You fellas like to buy
some maple syrup?

[ Vehicle honking ]

CROW: If he's gonna run,
he better put Vaseline

all over his nipples.

[ Panting ]

SERVO: Great. I'm gonna buy
some liver snaps and a hasta.

CROW: I've always wanted
a tan Yugo.

MAN: Hey, what the hell?
That's my car.

SERVO: Wait.
The clutch kind of sticks,

and one door doesn't close,
and you got to jiggle it

to get into reverse!

[ Car engine revving ]

-SERVO: Huh?
-EDDIE: Whoa.

Yeah, I did that
on my first driver's test.

I was still kind of drunk
from the night before.

SERVO: [ Laughs ]

CROW: We also raise llamas,
if you like to pet a llama.

[ Grunts ]

My car! My car!

What the hell
did you do to my car?

EDDIE: It drives
like a Kennedy, you idiot.

I don't drive.

SERVO: I got a dead alien
in the attic.

Okay.

CROW: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa!

[ Car engine revving ]

SERVO: Hmm?

Ah-ha!
So, it's bicycles, then, eh?

We accept your choice
of vehicle. En garde!

[ Music playing ]

CROW: This is
a very healthy chase.

EDDIE: Well, I'll just give you
a warning this time.

CROW: Oh, a K-car,
come right through, ma'am.

SERVO: She's doing caricatures
of the victims.

CROW: Wow.

-Any survivors?
-Are you kidding?

We'll be lucky
if we get dental records.

How many were on board?

It looks like just one.

Any idea how old?

Can you tell how stale bread is
after it's been toasted?

CROW: Whoa.

Any make on the plane?

Yeah. Hey, wait a minute.
Who are you?

I'm with The Banner.
My name is Lisa Henson.

CROW:
And I'm a hard boiled reporter.

Well, from the numbers we got,

it looks like it belongs
to a Nick Miller.

It came up from that airport
across the lake.

EDDIE:
She's a really good actress.

SERVO: Yeah.
You're right, Eddie.

EDDIE: Hey, shut up.
She is not.

EDDIE: I'm kidding.

SERVO: I'm sorry.

CROW: The cameraman's shy.

Come on, honey.
You can get closer.

Come on.

-That's...
-MATT: ...a millionaire.

Nick, really, this is the most
incredible thing.

Great.

-So, what's the next step?
-Well, like I said,

I'm going to go over
the heads of my bosses

and take this directly
to J.K. Robertson.

When?

Well, I'll be back
with Mr. Robertson at...

SERVO: Dark 30.

4:00 p.m., is that okay?

Fine. I'll be ready.

Great. Great.
Oh, and, Nick,

in the meantime,
don't tell anyone about this,

and I mean, anyone.

Trust me on this, okay?

-All right.
-Great.

We are going to be very rich!

[ Music playing ]

CROW: [ Humming ]

SERVO: When really short guys
try to walk.

EDDIE: Oh, yeah, the throaty
roar of a K-car.

CROW: They somehow gave her
plaid theme music.

SERVO: Mr. Blackwell put her
on his "Please Kill" list.

EDDIE: All right.
We're finally gonna see

some horizontal rumba or what?

CROW: Eddie.

-Lisa?
-Nick.

CROW: I shaved this morning
and got a nick.

-How are you?
-CROW: Ow.

Good. I'm good.

EDDIE: You're all right.

-Get up here.
-Yeah.

-CROW: Golly, Edward.
-...must not have heard yet.

-SERVO: Okay.
-EDDIE: He's fine.

I work for The Banner
in town now.

I was called to--
your grandmother...

Her plane crashed
over by the lake.

What?
What are you talking about?

LISA: It exploded on impact.

I'm sorry. I thought you
would have heard by now.

NICK: Lisa, my grandparents died
when you and I were kids.

That's right.
But you called the paper.

I was just trying to get
someone to come out

and take a look at this.

LISA: The plane
was registered to you.

-It was one of your planes.
-But, Lisa, I only owned...

-TOM: One jar of mustard.
-...one plane.

LISA: Registration number

is N5--
058C.

That's right.

[ Music playing ]

CROW: We listen now
to the Jefferson Middle School

String Quartet.

EDDIE: Yup. Grandma came
back from the dead,

built a duplicate plane,
and crashed it.

-It's my plane.
-Then what's going on?

SERVO: It's time chasers.

We need to take a little trip.

CROW: We need to go out for some
Amish fudge, it'd be nice.

SERVO:
* Walking on broken glass

* Walking on, walking on

EDDIE: What,
is he at the pound?

CROW: [ Buzzing noise ]

EDDIE: * Cisco Kid
was a friend of mine *

SERVO: It's really good, Eddie.

CROW: You would like that,
wouldn't you?

Remember when everyone
got the Nick Miller haircut

and started wearing
Castleton T-shirts?

SERVO: Missed the barn dance.

Oh, where the hell is my plane?
[ Servo makes farting noise ]

MAN: Well, Nick...

It seems you forgot
you were in the past.

SERVO: You varmint.

[ Music playing ]

CROW: Say you like Northwest,
go ahead.

You're a drug dealer.
You're a drug dealer.

EDDIE: [ mimics speaker ]
SERVO: It's funny.

There's no way you
can afford all this stuff

on a teacher's salary.
Electronics, radar...

Look, Marty, I don't know
how to tell you this, you know,

but we got a serious
problem right here.

Tell me anything.

J.K.: Look, gentlemen,
Say goodbye to this century.

Look, leave Marty here.

He doesn't know what's going on.

J.K.: Sorry.

He knows enough
to disrupt your past self.

They're gonna kill us.

I'm gonna make you
a part of history.

CROW: Oh, is that a sexual
overture of some kind?

EDDIE: Look at that.

There's too many sevens
in that date.

I'm going out for a smoke.

SERVO: Okay.

Do that, Eddie. Enjoy.

CROW: Can he do that?

SERVO: * All my friends
driving lowriders. *

NICK: Marty?

CROW: Hey, Marty,
let's do lunch, Marty.

SERVO: Wow,
the present is amazing.

That was absolutely incredible.

CROW: It's me,
your cousin, Saul.

-Where is the phone?
-Marty?

CROW: Let's get some
blintzes, Marty.

NICK: I'll meet you,
and then we'll go up. Marty?

SERVO: Oh, bacon grease.

NICK: Who are you calling?

SERVO: Are you okay there,
Eddie?

Slow as they are, they should
have a dental record

matched for an ID by now.

NICK: I have got a demo
with Gen-Corp in two hours.

And he's probably out getting
drunk somewhere.

LISA: Yes. This is
Lisa Henson of The Banner.

We're doing a story
on the plane crash.

I was wondering if you
had an ID on the pilot yet?

Yes, with The Banner.

SERVO: It was the Shopper-News.

Yeah, that's me.

No, this isn't a joke.

CROW: Myrtle Johnson
didn't serve lemon bars?

Are you sure?

SERVO: I should have
checked my sources.

Must be. Thank you.

EDDIE: Hey, watch,
the door is gonna hit her

in the can when he comes in.

CROW: That would be great,
Eddie.

Well?

The person they identified
as being killed

in the plane crash...

SERVO: Was Daryl Dragon.

...was Lisa Henson
of The Banner.

CROW:
Oh, well, that's a big loss.

-I'm dead?
-SERVO: Well, then, fall down!

Hey, the New England Patriots!

CROW: Someday a lot
of puffy old losers

with no life will reenact
this battle, men.

MAN: Muskets steady.

SERVO: You're going
into battle in that outfit?

CROW:
Ted Nugent's family reunion.

SERVO: Just try to go, Harry.
We're not watching.

CROW: Dr. Demento, patriot.

SERVO: Oh, good thing
the minutemen built a runway.

CROW: General Washington's
plane has landed.

SERVO: We are going
to the company picnic, damn it.

Listen, I understand limits,
Matt,

but this has to be done to wipe
the slate clean,

they'll just be unaccounted
war dead here.

I know, I know.

But I can't be a part of it.

I'll wait back at the transport
if you want me to, but...

-Sorry, J.K.
-That's all right.

I can handle this myself.

I'll see you back
at the transport in a minute.

Okay. Okay.

CROW: There goes
a damn good weenie.

Oh, Matt?

I changed my mind.

You're fired.
[ Gunshots ]

SERVO: He's still a better boss
than the Sunbeam guy.

Now, what were we talking about?

Oh, yes, history.

MAN: Put that weapon down.

SERVO: Huzzah,
I think, I'm not sure.

Whoa, minutemen.

Correction,
they are pissed minutemen.

Lisa?

I am not believing this.

I told them the truth,
Robertson.

The truth?

They know you're a spy
working for the British,

and they aren't letting you
out of this forest.

Don't play games
with your life, Nick.

This is an Uzi.
You're out-gunned.

For God's sake, give them fire.

[ Gunshot ]

CROW: So, history
is just circling the drain

-at this point, I guess.
-SERVO: Yup.

[ Music playing ]

SERVO: And so, children,
the British defeated us

because they were all helping
this lunkhead

who whizzed history
down his leg.

LISA:
Hey, where are they going?

Come back!

I don't think
they've ever seen an Uzi.

[ Gunshots ]

No place to run.

[ Gunshot ]

CROW: Johnny CEO.

CFO sold separately.

SERVO: My God, ISO 9001

certification
is a license to kill!

[ Music playing ]

CROW: Whee, we're getting
poison sumac, whee.

EDDIE: The seven ammo clips
of highly effective people.

-SERVO: Whoa.
-EDDIE: Come on, let's go.

SERVO: Ow, ow, Eddie, ow.

[ Doors closing ]

All right.

Hey, look at this mess
from last night.

I thought I told you
to clean this up.

Oh, gee, Eddie, I did, Eddie.

But these are just from
a couple of minutes ago.

-Don't you remember?
-Hey, shut up.

Okay. I'm shutting up right
away, right away.

-Sure, Eddie.
-Uh, Servo...

Edward, I am going rinse
out a few things.

I'll be back in a minute.

-Oh, boy.
-I don't get that guy.

Neither do I, Eddie.
I don't get him at all.

I don't-- I don't understand.

Greetings, young Mike.

My name is Crow, and I've come
from the future

to help you change
your miserable dead-end life.

MAN: Hey, robot from the future,

there's another one
of you guys to see you.

Ahem.

-Hey, me.
-Oh, hey, me.

Can you hang on a second?

So, anyway, Mike,

that's why I think-- oh, no.

We screwed something up
royal, didn't we?

Well, you screwed
something up royal.

Oh, really?

How do you know it's not you
who screwed it up?

Look, I'm from about
a half-hour into your future.

I think I know a little bit more
about what the heck

is going on than you do.

Listen, Mr. Future-pants.

If I steer Mike away
from a career of bad jobs,

he'll never end up stranded
in time and space.

Well, listen,
Mr. Half-hour ago doof,

if you do, Mike
will end up bludgeoned

in a pool of his own blood.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, what are you guys
talking about?

Okay, Mike,
this doesn't concern you, okay?

Look, don't change
Mike's future or he dies, okay?

Oh, I see.

Yeah, it's about time.

Ooh, I got to get back.

Man, was I a jerk
a half-hour ago.

Whoa. Um, Mike, hi.

Forget what I was saying,
uh, forget your band.

It's going nowhere.

Stick to a life of menial,
low-paying jobs, okay?

-That's cool.
-Good, thanks.

[ Music playing ]

Well, so much for the bravery
of our forefathers.

What we need is an army.

SERVO: Does everyone have
corn dodgers and pemmican?

CROW: So, they were playing
splat ball one day,

and they just decided
to make a movie.

[ Gunshots ]

SERVO: A Pillsbury Corporate
retreat goes bad.

You're running
out of cover, Nicky!

SERVO: Actually, he's got the
whole North American wilderness.

No cover.

By the way, did I thank you yet?

CROW: I think he was
the Tony Danza of his time.

SERVO: If you can see
a character's eye boogers,

you're too close, though.

MAN: There's your spy, men.

MAN: Ready?
Forward your muskets.

CROW: Glad to have you back,
Mike.

-MIKE: Hmm?
-SERVO: Glad you're back.

Oh, shit.

CROW: I don't know how
to downsize these people.

-MAN: Fire.
-MAN: Fire.

[ Gunshots ]

MIKE: Oh no,
that guy's just a pirate.

SERVO: Wore my grandma's hat.

What do you think?

CROW: Hey, karate instructors.

NICK: How's this for history?

SERVO: They all borrowed their
wives' blouses for this movie.

MIKE: Whose woods these are?
I have no clue.

There's the spy.
Seize him.

CROW: Damn child safety lock.

Geez.

You guys all right?

MIKE: Oh, man.
Who is this ugly jerk?

-Thanks.
-CROW: I am welcome.

-Listen, you got to...
-Stop the demo.

Destroy the transport. I know.

-You know?
-Sure, I got a transport, too.

Are you...?

SERVO: Seeing the seam
in the split screen?

Are you all right?

Lisa?

Oh, my God.
It's good to see you.

SERVO: Look, I don't like you,
and I don't like you either.

What's that for?

Um, well, uh...

CROW: I grope everyone,
I guess.

We better get some cover.

We got to stop Robertson before
he gets to that transport.

Wait a minute.
What about Lisa?

SERVO: She's ditching us.

What about her?

Well, you and her--

me and her, we, uh...

Oh, yeah.
She discovered your plane crash.

I know that she
was on the plane with you.

Yeah, I know but,
you, two-- we, uh...

What are you trying to say?

CROW: Oh, he's trying
to ask himself out.

It's cute.

It's not important.

Well, come on, then.

MIKE: God, my butt looks
weird in those pants.

SERVO: Must get
to Barneys for a new shirt.

CROW: You guys see
the game last night?

I mean, liberty!

MIKE: Never chase a wounded
executive into the woods.

-CROW: Oh, no.
-MAN: Come on.

Let's go
and move that cannon.

MAN: Move it, move it.

SERVO: Man, our forefathers
were dumpy.

Load those cannon.

Ready, halt.

SERVO: What's going
to become of Gen-Corp?

CROW: I'm gonna facilitate
connectivity.

J.K.:
Hey, the colonials are coming!

They're coming, the colonials!

SERVO: Our young
nation's first spaz attack.

Marty.
Marty, come on-- Come on.

Jesus, relax, will you, okay?

-LISA: Come on.
-NICK: Come on.

SERVO: Come into the light.

Why should I?

It's crazy.

Guns being shot.

You go and be with the guns,
and the Uzis, and the bullets

flying at your head
if that's what you want.

And I'll be right over here,
relaxing.

When you're done,
come back and get me.

Okay. Bye.
You're on your own.

SERVO:
Screw the Revolution. Run!

MAN: Retreat.

CROW: So, there was a lot
of general milling around

in the revolutionary war.

SERVO: Yeah.

MIKE: For Castleton!

Look, there goes Robertson.

SERVO: Avant and
quit my site, young executive.

MAN: Fire.

Oh, if he makes it
to his transport,

this is all for nothing.

MAN: Stand down.

NICK: Excuse me, general.

CROW: I'm a lefttenant.

Ow, ow.

What are you...?

[ Gunshots ]

MIKE: General Dung Beetle.

SERVO: I think they oversold
the weather at Valley Forge.

It's a little chilly, is all.

CROW: Trevor threw a few
wet leaves on the fire.

SERVO: They got
big plastic things

holding their feet together.

NICK: If I'm not back,
drop Marty off in the present.

SERVO: Here's some
predigested food for you.

-CROW: What is kiss?
-NICK: Hi-yah!

SERVO: Did he just slip
some microfiche in her mouth?

Help, police!

Hijacking!

[ Imitates chicken clucking ]

CROW: Yeah, they study this
battle at military colleges.

Well, unaccredited
military colleges

in malls next to hair salons.

MIKE: Right.

SERVO: Whatever.

Well, I suppose.

CROW: All of their bags
say "Le Bag" on them.

MIKE: I got to get
to that SARSEP meeting.

CROW: He's enjoying
the new active lifestyle

with his new hair.

SERVO: See if I can get
Tetris on this, or...

CROW: Ooh.

MIKE: I hope he's wearing a cup.

CROW: Yeah.

So, right now they are
breathing the air

around Tom Payne, technically.

-SERVO: Yeah.
-CROW: Totally.

-MIKE: Yeah.
-CROW: Oh, yeah.

Whoopie.

SERVO: Due to the unusually
high volume

of time transfers, you're...

NICK: You're grounded.

CROW: Huh? And it's all over.
Good, let's--

Wow.

SERVO: But I chased you on
a horse. I'm supposed to win.

NICK: Oh, God.

SERVO: There's a man
on the wing of a plane.

You wanna fly?

Let's fly.

CROW: I got a million of them.

Ha-cha-cha-cha!

Watch out.

SERVO: This is just like
the end of Mahogany.

-CROW: Huh?
-SERVO: Yay.

MIKE: Oh,
I'm supposed to be sad.

SERVO: Screenplay by
Nigel Calder and Jim Varney.

CROW: Unlucky for you, I secrete
pine tar from my hands.

SERVO: I haven't the strength
or the screen presence

to pull this off.

CROW: Look,
he doesn't want you in there.

Accept it.

MIKE: Ow. Why am I doing that?
That's my hand.

CROW: Check your flaps
before taking off.

SERVO: Ten, nine, eight, seven--

Hey, is that a Glock?

That's seven, six, five, four...

MAN: Warning.

Transport unsafe.

CROW:
Thanks, Steven Hawkings.

SERVO: One, zero-- four...

three, two, one--

It's three, two,

one-- two.

[ Gunshots ]

SERVO: One.

Whatever.

CROW: Well, better start
drinking my urine.

MIKE: I think someone
garnished him with parsley.

-CROW: That's nice.
-MIKE: That's nice.

SERVO: Oh, if I could
only fart, I'd feel better.

CROW: 47 Keebler Elves
were killed today

when a light plane
plunged into their tree.

SERVO: E.L. Fudge,
remains in critical condition.

Must soil butt of my pants.

CROW: Is he Kerouac now?
Is that how that works?

-MIKE: I think so.
-SERVO: Yeah.

MIKE: Oh, no. No, movie,
don't show his butt.

Come on.

SERVO: Damn tree hugger.

CROW: Well, maybe
he'll be torn apart by Ewoks.

MIKE: Oh, he's trying to get
honey, like Pooh.

CROW:
Well, he's like Pooh, all right.

SERVO: So, what? Did the tree
contribute money to the film?

Why are they showing this?

CROW: He's climbing an Ent.

MIKE:
Omm, hum, get off me, hmm.

SERVO: Oh, I see.
It's Man Against Machine.

Come on, machine, go!

CROW: Machine, machine,
machine, machine!

Hey, machine!

CROW: Benjamin Franklin's
kite is up there,

George Washington
is trying to chop the tree down

to make wooden teeth,

Thomas Jefferson is down there
making time with his slave.

SERVO: Thank you, movie, but
we'd like to move on, please.

Oh, Spielberg stole that bit
for "Jurassic Park".

CROW: He should use
his chin as a piton.

SERVO: Well, he could.

-Ah.
-SERVO: Kerri Strug.

[ Music playing ]

SERVO: Oh, good.
He's all stained again.

CROW: And why didn't the movie
just cover him in cat vomit?

SERVO:
Yuck. He's scooting. Oh.

Hey, Nick. There was a stairs
on the other side of the tree.

CROW: I have a severe injury
to my sleeve.

SERVO: Oh, man.
That's my boss.

MIKE: Oh, man.
It's the guy from R&D.

Oh, Nick.

CROW: I have an aileron
up my-- well, anyway.

You should've just left
this one alone, son.

SERVO: Sorry, dad.

J.K.:
Lisa'd still be alive.

And you'd be a millionaire
by now...

The both of you could've
lived to a ripe old age,

escape to some
simpler time in the past.

It never would've affected you.

MIKE: You know,
I wish uncooked liver

had been the star of this movie.

You still don't get it, do you?

CROW: Kevin Spacey
was Keyser Soze.

It would've-- it would've
affected the rest of the world.

We're all connected, you fool.

You, me...

SERVO: Nipsey Russell,
Ruth Bader Ginsburg,

Chesty Morgan.

Everything.

Connect me to this.

SERVO: Ooh.

[ Gunshots ]

[ Screaming ]

MIKE: Oh, well, thank you,
movie.

-SERVO: Yeah.
-CROW: We appreciate it.

He died as he lived.

Mud stained and splaying.

SERVO: He's dead, but don't
worry, they have a spare.

MIKE: And now they make love.

CROW: A giant fingerprint, run!

SERVO: And there's the movie's
funders, come to pull the plug.

CROW: Later in the prom,
I took Sally to the airport

and showed her the tarmac.

-Ooh, ow.
-MIKE: Jump back, kiss myself.

Oh, look who's here.

MIKE: I think it'd snap in half
if it went over a hill.

-SERVO: Lucky you.
-I'll be right back.

CROW: Michael Keaton.

SERVO: Damn good prom, honey.

Nick. Ha-ha! Nick. Nick.

SERVO: Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick,
Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick.

I'd like to introduce you
to J.K. Robertson.

Mr. Robertson, this is
Nick Miller, the next Edison.

Oh, now, wait a minute,
that's a bit much.

No. I don't think so, J.K., wait
till you get a load of this.

Nick, why don't you take it
from here?

Okay.

-Mr. Robertson...
-CROW: Are you trying

to seduce me?

Can I call you "J.K."?

Fine.

Can I call you "dickweed"?

J.K., we've been watching
your television commercials

for years and, well,
frankly, it's time for a change.

What, Nick?

Stay with me on this one, Matt.

We'd like to present you
with a brand-new marketing idea.

-Marty, is she ready?
- She's ready.

Let's bring her out.

SERVO: Thank you,
Chuckle Hut middle act,

who thought this
was his big break.

NICK:
J.K., I'd like to present you...

CROW: With some soiled pants.

Gilda Heintz, star of the new
Gen-Corp Television Commercials.

80 years old
and a world-class skydiver.

SERVO: 80?

We see her everywhere
across the entire logo.

All of your T-shirts,
all of your merchandise.

What the hell is going on here?

What's the matter? You loved
this idea five hours ago.

You brought me up here for this?

No, sir. No, sir.

This plane, this plane
can travel through time.

You just wait until you see
all this electronic equip--

NICK: Hey, don't you guys
wanna see her jump?

Matt, you're fired.

Find your own
ride back to the city.

J.K., hey, what the hell
are you doing to me?

I should have gone
with the skydiving dog, right?

MATT: J.K., I'm telling you...

But you got to understand,
this thing...

CROW: Like-- we--
[ Makes sound ]

MIKE: I'm Batman.

SERVO:
Oh, oh, terrible gas today.

CROW: You had the misfortune
of running into me.

I'm a life-wrecking idiot.

At least, he didn't shoot you
this time.

MIKE:
Well, that's true.

[ Mike mimics
muffled voice ]

SERVO: Did they crawl into
a saltine box to do the ADR?

MIKE: Andrew Wyeth's
"Pink Boy on Tarmac".

CROW: My name is Nick, no, no.

My name is Stephanie,

and I am
a 17-year-old girl and...

SERVO: So, eight
51 inch floppy's

hold the keys to time travel.

Hmm. Oh.

Are you sure
you wanna do this?

Yes.

SERVO: Delete copies of film?
Yes.

Delete memory of film
from mankind's consciousness?

Yes.

CROW: Well,
he retains the knowledge,

he should kill himself.

-MIKE: Mm-hmm.
-SERVO: Right.

So, what did they ever see
in these things?

Geez.

MIKE: Wow, he even declared
war on his surge protector.

CROW: It's been a long week,
time for a big bowl

of Dijonnaise.

SERVO: Please, eat me.

CROW: Maple syrup,
three for a dollar,

oh, hell, just take it, it's
free, we got so much of it.

SERVO: I'll
put this in a ziplock,

let them get brown in my fridge.

MIKE:
These aren't plaid.

CROW: Yes. Yes,
I do need kale.

SERVO: Is Kitaro playing
in the dairy case?

* Sale on Romaine lettuce

MIKE: Ah. Well,
this is a nice shot.

I like this better
than the other ones.

This is good.

CROW: We serve a delicious
Bruch every Sunday. Hoo-hoo.

MIKE: No.

Who's playing the chamber pot?

SERVO: Matthew Paul?
Oh, Pink boy. Pink boy.

MIKE: Yeah. Pink Boy, right.

CROW: George Woodard
is J.K. Robertson.

SERVO: J.K. Robertson.

CROW: This was written?
I don't think so.

SERVO:
* Walking on, walking on

* Walking on broken glass

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Because we're walking
on broken glass, you see.

CROW: You should probably
stop doing that, then

-MIKE: I get it.
-SERVO: It hurts, whoo. Whee.

MIKE: Demo button
on little keyboard hit by...

CROW: Tonight, Mel Tillis plays
at the Sasa-- Sasahara Lounge.

MIKE: Executive parents,
I mean, producers.

Wow, look at that, what a great
name, Heather Killingbeck.

I'd rather have it be
Heather Killing Paula Cole.

SERVO: Boomer, I have a feeling
Craig "Boomer" Buzzell

is the only one who calls
himself "Boomer."

Now, by the way, speaking
of the revolutionary war,

and all that, whatever happened
to that whole deal

with the Spanish?

Aren't they supposed
to take over?

MIKE: Oh, yeah, you know what,

I think they ended up
getting molten gold

poured down their throats. It
just-- it just didn't work out.

CROW: Shame, really.

MIKE: Spaniards, though.

SERVO: Just whizzed it
down their legs, huh?

-CROW: Yup.
-MIKE: Mm-hmm.

Cortez. Oh.

Good, evening, I'm Observer.

Tomorrow night at 7:00,
she's a Wiccan,

she's a nun.

Can two sisters share
an apartment together?

Tomorrow night,
find out on Which is Witch?

But coming up next,
several neighborhood kittens

are alarmed by very loud,
noises,

that's coming up next on
Observer Eyewitness News.

PEARL: Brain guy,
get your pale butt over here.

Oh, yes, Pearl,
be with you in a moment.

SERVO: Trouble.

Well, that's funny, Mike.

Sometimes, I use
my nearly omnipotent powers

just to have a little giggle,

because I think you have
to laugh every once in a while,

even if it's just the kind...

-PEARL: Brain guy...
-I'll be right...

PEARL:
...something hot too, man.

Anyway, I hope
that I've made you laugh, Mike.

I'm sure that I did.

-Well, I think I did.
-SERVO: Yeah.

Right, I wish I could see
your faces in there.

I could have come across
just as an idiot, I suppose.

Gosh, I'd be mortified.

Anyway, I'm sorry, Mike.
This was ridiculous.

I-- Good-bye.

Stupid. Stupid.

MIKE: Wow.

CROW: He's pretty insecure,
isn't he?

MIKE: He's weird, man.

SERVO: I thought
Which is Witch sounds good.

I might have to check that out.
It sounds, like, I don't know,

must-see TV, dammit,
I must see it. I must.

So, getting back to the movie,
who do they think

this would appeal to, anyway?
Elderly squirrels or...

-MIKE: People without heads.
-SERVO: Toad stools?

Clumps of dirt, maybe?

MIKE: And that barber poles,
that coffee tables perhaps.

CROW: Little bits of material
that break off plastic trees.

-MIKE: And used napkins.
-CROW: Italians maybe?

-MIKE: Crow.
-CROW: What?

MIKE: You're little off
the point there.

CROW: Oh, I'm sorry,
I see what you're saying.

-Germans maybe? What?
-MIKE: No. You see, no.

SERVO: But they are special
thanking the hell out

of these people, huh?

MIKE: All of these people bear
some responsibility, you know.

CROW: Which means I really,
really hate the citizens

and officials
of Rutland, Vermont.

I'm not kidding, Mike.

I never liked the citizens
and officials of stupid

Rutland, Vermont.

This is just the nail in the
coffin, as far as I'm concerned.

Go to hell, citizens and
officials of Rutland, Vermont.

Filmed in Vermont,
the other smaller Wisconsin.

MIKE: It's nasty, calm down.

[ Doors closing ]

Oh, boy, what a day, huh?

Yeah. Whatever.

Say, Mike, if there was a guy
named Gilligan, and he wanted

to name an island
after himself, and he did,

and then we were here on it,
what would we be here on?

-No.
-No. No. No.

What do you mean, no?

-It's just no, I'm sorry.
-Well, hi, little buddy.

Shh, quiet, man.
He didn't say it yet.

-Oh, sorry.
-Now, Mike, come on.

If we were here on that island,
what would we be here on?

-Come on.
-Just no.

I'm sorry, but no.

Well.

Now, what?
Doesn't he have to say it?

I mean, of course,
he has to say it, it's not real

unless he says it, I mean.

I know, you're right.

I mean, what would happen
if he didn't say it,

and we just went ahead anyway?
I mean...

Oh, no, no, no,
I'm not suggesting that.

I mean, there's nothing
we can do about it.

Those are the rules.

-Well, sorry, little...
-Hey, no.

-I'm sorry.
-Shh.

So, how was the movie?

-Oh, it hurt, it hurt a lot.
-Oh, good. Good.

Yeah. You know, in general,
the movies do hurt,

quite a bit, actually.

You know, Mike,
that is so great to hear,

because to tell you the truth,

I don't get a lot
of direct feedback,

so thank you,
that means a lot.

You're welcome, you know,
I'm just telling the truth.

-Hey, Crow went back in time.
-Really?

Yeah. Yeah.

He went back
to Wisconsin 1985

to try to talk me out
of the temp job

that put me
in your evil clutches.

Oh, you.

He succeeded, actually.

And then another Crow
had to go back and try to talk

that Crow out of talking me,
out of taking the job.

That was a big mess,
but we got it all...

Mm-hmm.

So what happened
to the other Crow?

What's that?

Well, think about it,
somewhere there's a spare Crow

running around in Wisconsin
in 1985, right?

No.

I mean-- Well, no.

Well, yeah. Ooh.

Oh, well, cheese
ain't gonna cut itself, huh?

Dude.

Yeah.

[ Music playing ]

Matt, it's time for you
to decide if you're gonna be

one of my team players or not.