Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 9, Episode 20 - Space Mutiny - full transcript

-♪ In the not-too-distant
future ♪

♪ Somewhere in time and space

♪ Mike Nelson
and his robot pals ♪

♪ Are caught in
an endless chase ♪

♪ Pursued by a woman
whose name is Pearl ♪

♪ An evil gal who wants to rule
the world ♪

♪ She threw a few things
in her purse ♪

♪ And in her rocket ship
she hunts him ♪

♪ All across the universe

-I'll get you!

♪ I'll send him cheesy movies

♪ The worst I can find

-♪ La la la

-♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all ♪

♪ And I'll monitor his mind

-♪ La la la

-♪ Now keep in mind
Mike can't control ♪

♪ Where the movies
begin or end ♪

-♪ La la la

-♪ He'll try to keep
his sanity ♪

♪ With the help of
his robot friends ♪

-Robot roll call!

Cambot!
-You're on!

-Gypsy!
-Oh, my stars!

-Tom Servo
-Check me out!

-Crow!
-I'm different!

♪ If you're wondering how he
eats and breathes ♪

♪ And other science facts
-♪ La la la

-♪ Just repeat to yourself
it's just a show ♪

♪ I should really just relax

♪ For "Mystery Science
Theater 3000" ♪

♪♪

[Clanking, whirring]

-Hey, everyone, welcome to
the Satellite of Love.

You know, since we are stuck in
orbit over Ancient Rome,

I thought it might be a good
time to teach the bots

a little something
about history.

-Mike, this encyclopedia
is worthless

for my biography of
Roland Gift.

-Yeah, Mike, it's really old --
it lists Hitler as

"a fairly stable veteran of
the Great War."

-Oh, come on.
They're not that old.

They're fine.
-Oh, yeah?

It mentions the light bulb as
"a charming theory."

-Yeah, and "Congress" is spelledwith an F.

What is that, "Congreff?"

-Well, I used it
when I was a kid.

They seemed fine then.

-The periodic table has three
elements in it, Mike.

-There's a volume for
the letter epsilon.

-There's a mailing address for
Machu Picchu.

-It's got a picture
of Stonehenge.

-So?
-Under construction.

-Yeah.
-Oh, well, so what you

high-minded encyclopedia snobs

are trying to tell me is you
want a new set.

Fine, I'll get you a new set.

-Uh, anything that's not
handwritten on papyrus will do.

-Yeah.
-That's very funny.

We'll be right back.

You know, they got me through
college.

-You never finished college,
Mike.

-Oh, yeah.

-[Sighs]

♪♪

-I mean, look --
"Someday, we hope to

harness fire to serve man, not
simply terrorize him

with horrifying randomness."

-Yeah, yeah, and here's a whole
section on

"our deadly foes,
the dinosaurs."

-Okay, you bellyachers.

Got you a brand-spanking-new set
of encyclopedias,

each page with
an Internet uplink,

so you can constantly
update 'em.

-Man, this is incredibly
up-to-date!

-Wow, 27 pages on
Gwen Stefani alone.

-Amazing.
-Well, I think I've more than

answered your encyclopedia
grievances.

-No!
-No.

-It was much more fun to
complain about the old ones

than to have new ones, geez.

-Yeah, yeah, I miss complaining
already, frankly.

-I got to check in on that
planet down there that --

down there, you know.

[Humming]

-Thank you, Maximus.

Oh, hi, Mike.

Well, this whole Roman thing hastaken a turn for the crappy.

Flavia here discovered we
weren't gods and all,

and had us thrown into this
slimy dungeon,

and they're being pretty rough
on pale face here.

They took away his brain,
which sucks for him.

-I like fruit.

Fruit is good.

-Talk, hirsute one.
-Ah!

-Do you plot against
our beloved emperor?

-Ah! Please, I can't
stand it anymore!

-And Bobo, man, they are totallytorturing him right now.

I mean, it's bad, Mike.

You guys should probably write
to Amnesty International...

House of Pancakes or whatever.

Oh, I broke a nail.

-[Laughing]

Talk, smelly fake god.

-I'll say anything you want.

Just give me some of that
yummy mutton.

-Is it safe?

-I don't care if it's safe.
It smells delicious!

-Treasonous fool!

-The emperor is about to give
his violin recital

upstairs, ma'am.
-Mm, right, right, right.

Listen, I must go, but I'll be
back, and you three will be,

like, so tortured,
it's, like, not even funny.

-Okay.

-So, Mike, here's the deal.

If you help us out of this one,

I promise I'll let you and your
little windup toys go,

and you'll never have to watch
another lousy movie again.

-Oh, yes, yes!
-No more crummy movies!

-Do it, Mike! Do it! Do it!
Come on! Come on!

-Do it! Do it! Do it!
-Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

-Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey!

-Uh, I don't know, Pearl.

I mean, you've
lied to us before.

-I know, but --

but it wasn't my fault!

...in a way that I haven't quitefigured out yet.

But this time for real.

I mean, how are you going to getout of this stupid-y stinky

Roman time without us, anyway?

-Hmm.
-She's right, Mike.

I don't want to have to see you
in a toga.

-Uh, I don't know.

Okay, what do you want me
to do?

-I need you to come down here

and get Brain Guy's brain
for us.

They put it too far out ofrange, so he's at quarter-power,

which means he's even more of
an idiot than usual.

-Pearl, tell me about
the rabbits again, please.

-And pathetic as it is,
he's our only hope,

so I'm going to have him bring
you down here to fetch it.

Okay, Brain Guy,
send Mike down.

-Send Mike down, okay.

[Whirring]

[Pop!]
-Oh! Oh!

Choo! Choo!
I'm allergic.

-Not goose down, you dope!

Bring Mike down!

-Oh, oh.
Mike, everyone says you're ugly

and dumb,
and no one likes you.

-Oh, come on.
They do n--

Really?

R-- oh, man, that real--

oh, man, that really brought
me down.

-Boy.
-Yeah.

-Mike.
-Listen, you empty-headed

albino, I said,
"Bring Mike down here!"

-Okay, nice lady.

[Whirring, pop]

-Oh, my, what am I doing here?

I was just at a 401[k]
planning meeting.

Oh, by the way,
my name is Mike Down.

I'm a CPA.

-Oh!
Oh, thank you!

-This might take a minute, Mike.

In the meantime, why don't youenjoy your final bad movie ever.

I promise.

It's a real piece of cheese
called "Space Mutiny."

Hey, brain-lo, think you can
manage sending a movie?

-Duh, okay.

[Whirring]

-Should I set up my overhead
projector now?

-You pipe down.

[Buzzing]
-Whoa, movie siren!

-Movie, movie! Let's go!
-Maybe Carter likes me

or something.
Oh, Gypsy likes me!

That's it!

[Whirring, clanking]

[Synthesized soundtrack]

-Amazingly idiotic productions.

-Woo, geez.
-That's good.

♪♪

-A Jonathan Winters/
Billie Holiday production.

♪♪

-Oh, David Winters.

-Oh, all right.
We're in good hands.

We're okay.

-Twenty exclusive hits
by the original artists!

-It sounds like someone owns
himself a DX7 keyboard, huh?

-Whoa, whoa, watch out!
Watch out!

-Ah.

-I have my doubts that this
movie is starring anyone.

-It's just the usual stable of
David Winters actors.

-Mm-hmm.

-Yay! Oh, no, wait.

No. Mm.
-No.

-Oh, because she's
Cameron Mitchell's --

um -- oh, wait.

-His nickname is "Tiny."

-Featuring music normally heard
at the Days Inn lounge

in Columbia Heights.

♪♪

-Passed from editor to editor ina desperate attempt to save it.

♪♪

-Uh, there's going to be seven
levels of Hell

in this movie too.

-Deb, big favor:
Can you associate produce?

Thanks.

-Hope John and Holiday DeKock?

What kind of name is that?
-Oh.

♪♪

-And completely botched
by David Winters.

♪♪

-Outlets in space.

-Thirteen generations ago...

-Wow.
-...our overpopulated world

built theSouthern Sun...

-Hmm.
-They did?

-...a self-sufficient spaceship

that would be home to thousands of migrants

on a 10-light-year journey to
a new and uncolonized world.

-Cool, huh?
-Our current descendants

have come to accept
theSouthern Sun

as their home and work,

for a better future
for their children.

-They're known as "dupes."

-While most of the inhabitants of this generation are content,

there are some who have grown
restless and impatient.

-Like Pat Riley here
for instance.

♪♪

-Hmm, where the hell did I put
that old ping-pong table?

-I have this feeling I'm being
followed by a lobster boy.

[Chuckles]

-Still, he's not nearly as
creepy as most meter readers.

♪♪

-He's like
an Armand Assante wannabe.

♪♪

-I'll show you how to use
a label maker properly.

♪♪

-He made a bomb out of soap
and Paco Rabanne.

-Attention: Prepare for
shuttleLancer landing.

-Melissa Manchester.

-Lancer toSouthern Sun.

Located rescue beacon
and survivors.

They are all female
and identify themselves

as Bellerians.

We have initiated
landing procedures

and are returning to base.

-I could watch this stuff all
day, Mike.

-Oh, you will.

-You will enter
theSouthern Sun

in figures five-millennium,

and your docking bay
is one-niner. Over.

-Yeah.
-Roger.

ShuttleLancer locked to
guidance control.

Over.

-[Humming "On the Beautiful
Blue Danube"]

♪ Lame, bum bum, lame, lame

-Shuttle craft determined to be
cute, sir.

[Beep]
-Shuttle landing successful.

Bellerian survivors
disembarking.

-Attention all hands.
-Attention.

-Shuttle landing complete.

Prepare for incoming
Stingray Viper squadron.

-Red 2,Southern Sun in sight.

-Excuse me.

Excuse me.
-Attention: All those

wishing to meet
the incoming Viper squadron,

proceed to the docking bay.
-What is that?

-Lea!
-Hi, Dad.

Hi, Scott.
-Hi.

-Ah, so pretty.
-If you're going down to

the docking bay to meet your
friend from Coriolis,

you better hurry.
-Oi!

-The Viperis on final approach.

-Well, I came down to check thathe's on the flight.

-Lieutenant Lemont.

-Mac?
-Contact the pilot

of the Stingray Viperand ask if
Professor Spooner is aboard.

-I'm insane!
-Thank you.

-Sun control, I have a request.

Do you have a Professor Spooner
on board?

Over.
-Stingray to Sun control.

Affirmative. Over.

-Sting, Debbie Reynolds and God.

-Bye, Dad.
-Bye, bye.

-Bye, Scott.
-Bye.

-Southern Sun, we are starting
our landing sequence.

-In the future, geese will be
rocket-powered.

-Southern Sun, abort landing.

We have birds coming up fast on our tails.

Stingray Two toStingray Three,
we are under fire.

Prepare for defense formation.

-Roger,Stingray Two.
-Graphics by Kenner.

-Stingray One,
assuming defense formation.

We'll cover for you
and the professor.

-What the hell is going on
out there?

-Look out,Red Three!

-Red Three is down.-I never liked Red Three anyway.

-Damn it!

[Weapons firing]

-♪ Ta da da da -- crap!
-Pirate ship eliminated.

-Special effects by
Industrial Light and Morons.

♪♪

-Good shot, Ryder!

-Are we the good guys
or the bad guys?

-Attention, all hands:
Man your battle stations.

We're under attack.

-Uh-oh, an air show.
Look out below!

[Weapons firing]

-Hey, I told you we should have
landed at LaGuardia.

♪♪

Tell me about it --
these briefs I'm wearing, huh?

-So their spaceship
is a huge basement.

-Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.

Say!

-Commander Kalgan,
can I help you?

-Calgon?
-Excuse me, sir.

-Did you have a reservation?

-Commander, sir,
what are you doing?!

[Beeps twice]

-The hostess will seat you
in a moment, s-- sir!

We have a perfectly fine bar if
you'd like to wait there.

Oh.
Oh, I see.

Oh -- oh, great.
Yeah, shooting me

is not going to get you to
a table any faster, sir.

[Fires]

-I'll get the manager.

-Kalgan, blow me away.

♪♪

-Does that guy inflate his pants
to attract mates?

[Explosions]

-Good work.
You blew up the septic tank.

-Well, I don't know, I just
tried to open my garage door.

What the...

-Warning: system power loss.

-Too right!

-Energize our
emergency landing strobe.

-We're off circuit!

It's dead, sir.

-Life system failing.

[Beeping]

-We lost power!

-Relax!
You're in your own room.

-We lost power!

♪♪

-Uh, is it a good idea for
a pilot to eject in space?

-Viper out of control.
Collision imminent.

Pilot emergency beam-down
ejection system activated.

-Attention, all hands:
prepare for crash landing.

-So really, how does this help
the Basque separatists?

[Man screams]
-Scott!

-My stair stepper.

-Attention: pilot beam-down
successful.

Medical team, stand by.
Fire control to docking bay.

-[Snickering]

-Look out!
It's going to blow!

Move!
It's going to blow!

-If the first 10 minutes
are any indication,

this movie is
going to blow!

-My "Buns of Steel" videos
are in there!

-We don't have time!

It's gonna blow!

-But he'll burn alive!

-It's gonna blow!
-Come on, Mother.

[Explosion]

-Oh, yeah, that will take care
of it.

-My God, the professor.

-[Laughs]

-[Laughing]

-Remember Carl's blond joke?

-[Evil laughter]

-What happened, lieutenant?

-The Viperwas locked into
the Sun'sguidance control,

commander, and we lost power.

-Commander, the energizing
turbines have been sabotaged.

-Sabotaged?

-But what of the little childrenand their toys?

-John Waters!

[Beep]
-Headquarter.

-Blake here.
Give me Kalgan.

-Blake.
-He's right here. Go ahead.

-Blake.
-Sir, I just saw something

I thought
you should know about.

-Some strange women came on
board with the Lancer.

-Huh, strange women.
-I'm sorry the information

is so scanty, but I'll send you
up more as I get it.

-Scanty?
-Blake out.

-Hey, look at this.

The office newsletter says I
look like Susan Powter.

-Santa is playing FreeCell
over here.

[Beeping, chiming]

-Oh, man, what'd I do?

-What do you think, Devers?

-Should I spend 20 bucks
for Griffey?

-I think whoever did this knows
his way around spaceships.

-I agree.

-I don't know if this helps,
but ho, ho, ho.

-One thing is for sure --
we've got to reduce speed

drastically until we repair
the damage.

You know, I'm thinking more
about the possible motive.

Why?

-Commander?

-Ho, ho.

-You get a computer readout on
the damage in the docking bay,

also the pirate fleet's
position, and load the file

into the computer.

I'd like to do some research
on our new female guests,

the Bellerians.
-Nude research.

-I want that ready as soon
as possible.

-Aye, aye, sir.
-Thank you, Devers.

[Synthesized choral music]

-So, uh, we got some
Benedictine monks

in the floorboards,
unfortunately.

We have set some traps with
fresh bread and brandy though.

♪♪

-Ladies, this is your new home.

I know it doesn't
look like much,

but if you'll bear with us,

I'm sure we can make you
quite comfortable.

-Leave. We Bellerians wish to
be alone.

This place will serve
our purpose.

Leave.

-Whoa, drank too much Surge.

Woo!

-Bryce, you okay?

-It's a pleasure having
you onboard.

-I guess.
-Gentlemen.

-Oh, and, uh, by the way,
ladies, there's a ferret cage

by the wall if you need it.

♪♪

-Well, I polished
the back corridor.

Anyone else need
their room done?

-Hey, you guys, I got my dad's
Enforcer for the weekend.

[Man laughing]

-Oh, we have fun, huh?

-Uh, can you help me
out of this thing?

-Our timing was perfect.

Two for the price of one.

-We had a coupon.

-Who'd have thought that
one small spacecraft...

-Robbie Robertson.

-...could have done
that much damage.

-That Viper'smissile pod
took out

the entire winching system
for the docking bay doors.

-Man, you should
have been there.

-According to the damage reports

from the chief
maintenance engineer,

it'll take at least
two weeks

before the docking bay
could be used again.

-I know, it's great.

-We couldn't have wished
for it better.

-Yeah.

-That means the Southern Sun

is completely isolated.
-[Stifled snickers]

Nobody can enter her...

and more important,

nobody can leave her.
-[Snickering]

-Excellent.

They no longer have a choice.
[Laughs]

-God, you look good.
Mm.

-It was cruel fate
to be born in space,

but I have vowed
we will not die here.

It is my destiny to set my feet
upon a real world,

and to accumulate wealth
and power

beyond our wildest dreams.

I have offered the people of
the Southern Sun

a rich new life...

-That's good.

-...and now they have
no alternative

but to accept my generosity

and alter course
for Corona Borealis.

-Ooh! Don't you love it?!
Ha-ha!

You know, we're always laughing,you and me.

It's great.
-Lieutenant?

-Oi.
-What's the report

from damage control?

-It's not complete yet,
Captain,

but the first reports indicate
that two of our

LM 5,000 X run drive motors
have been sabotaged.

-Boy.

-This also affects
the performance

of one of our Vix
impulse drive generators.

-Oi.
-Give me a computer readout

on our whole stray spectrum.

-Sir.
-Reduce speed by two thirds.

shut down two
of our booster engines.

-Yes, sir.
-Oh, one other thing.

-Oi.
-Can you establish

video contact
with the docking bay?

-Uh, one of the missiles
from the Viper

took out the video
control tower down there,

but we are trying
to reestablish contact

with a Sarid video robot.

-Did you sign Sherry's
birthday card?

-We've been in space too long!

Let us land the ship.
We can do it.

We have the power.
-It's true!

We have the power to do this.

-Yes.
-Yes.

-But this would directly oppose
the law of the Universe.

-Yes.
-The law of the galaxy.

-Forget the law.

-No, no, the law
must be upheld.

We cannot break it!

-Oh, yes we can.

-Gentlemen, it seems that
we are not all in agreement.

-I disagree!

-Engineer Parsons seems content
to spend

his remaining years
upon the Southern Sun.

-Then let him do so alone.

-Yeah!
-That's right.

-This is mutiny!
This is treason!

Which I warn you I must report.

-I just have
to wet myself first.

-Will you allow him to spoil
your ambitions

for a greater future?

-I will not allow that, no!

-An easily led wise council.

-No! Traitor!

-What I meant was,

"I totally
endorse what you're doing,"

and g-- ow.
-Rip his band uniform!

Then he'll have to pay for it!

-Oh, next they're going to give
him books so they can dump him.

-Okay.
-Right over here.

-Death by snicker-snag.

♪♪

-I'm going to inflate him
to 35 pounds.

-Okay, then, moving on
to number three on our agenda,

Sherry's birthday party.

-Are they any other of you

that wish to confuse freedom
with treason?

-I'd like to confuse bok choy
with cabbage, sir.

-Report to the Enforcer's
bridge.

-Let's go.
-Hurry up.

-Well, it is the rare meeting

where something
actually got done.

-Mm-hmm.

-You're strict, sir.

-You have done well.

[Whirring, clanking]

-Alone at last.

[Humming]

[Light classical music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Oh!
What the hell?

-Red Norvo, Red Norvo,
this is Goldilocks Niner.

I'm coming in, sucker.
Prepare to die.

-Oh, yeah?
Well, come get some.

-Whoa! Crow, Servo, what the
Hell, Michigan, is going on?

-I can't talk now, Mike.

I'm locked in a death
struggle with Servo.

-Yeah, me too, Mike,
only with Crow. Over.

-Cambot, give me rocket
number nine, will you?

-Eat death, Servo!

-Eat munchy crunchy
chocolaty cocoa death, Crow!

-Enjoy a nice serving of
Brown Betty with death, but --

but -- but mostly eat death.

-Crow, Servo, you guys
be careful out there.

-Oh, we won't.
[Laughs]

Oh! Ah!

Servo, you just ripped a hole
in my torso!

Wee!

-Oh! Ah!
Too late for me!

I took a laser blast
to the dome.

Wa-hoo!
-Fellas?

-Well, shall we auger
these babies in?

-After you.

-I love you, Crow!

-I'm sort of fond
of you, Servo!

[Explosion]

-Crow? Servo?
You -- you guys okay?

Fellas?

Okay, now this
isn't funny anymore.

-Whoa!
-Oh, lighten up, Nelson.

We're robots, remember?

-Man, that was great.
-Yeah.

-So where'd you get
the spaceships?

-Oh, you mean the hyper-warp
escape shuttles

which we just trashed?

-Yeah.
-Oh, they've been down

in the hold
waiting for us to use them

to escape and stuff like that.

-Oh, I see, so don't you think

we maybe should have used them
for escape purposes?!

-Uh, what's he on about?
-What purposes are that?

-Oh, you mean escape from here!

-Oh!
-Aw, geez!

How stupid of us, Mike!

Man!
-Boy, is my face red.

Sorry, Mike.

-Oh, boy.
-We had escape pods.

We didn't use them.

No big deal.
-Wait, wait, wait.

Isn't there just one more?
-Oh, yeah.

Gypsy has got it out.
She'll be along any second now.

-Ah.
-For England.

And the Queen!
-All right!

Go for Gyps!
-We'll be right back.

♪♪

-Oh, that was fun.
-Hi, Scott Devers.

-Dave Ryder.
-Pleased to meet you.

-Shall we do it?
-Well, this is sudden.

-Lieutenant?
-Sir?

-Please file this.
-Certainly, sir.

-Thank you.
-Do you know where I can get

some Zubaz, man?

-Commander Jansen.

-Well, welcome aboard,
Mr. Ryder.

You've met our captain, Devers.
Sit down, son.

-Thank you, sir.
-Oh, Ryder,

could I have
your space status card, please?

Thank you.
-Sorry it's so moist.

-You've got mail.

-Well, there we have it.
Any questions, Mr. Ryder?

-Sir, I'd like to see a video
of the crash if I may.

-Good idea.
Come this way.

-I'll show you where my elves
are working day and night.

-Take a chair.
-And ram it.

-Lieutenant?
-Yes, sir?

-Could you punch up a video
of the crash, please?

-Yes, sir.

-On our computer.
-Disaster analysis.

Guidance system engaged.
-Oi.

-You are now on
theSouthern Sun's

guidance control system.
-Ho.

-Over.
Pilot control released.

Warning: critical power loss.

-We now switch live
to Spencer's Gifts.

-Hey, Macarena.

-Ay.

♪♪

-It's a Wicca Tupperware party.

♪♪

-Steve called?

My poultice.

-Oh, I've got this itch
right on my leg there.

Ah.

Look familiar, m--
uh, what am I saying?

No way.
-Hey.

Damn Swedish ergonomic chairs.

How do you sit
comfortably on these?

Oh.

-Eh, get a bunch
of women together,

it's either witchery
or a wedding shower.

That's what I say.

-Mother Angelica aerobics.

-I heard that.

-Oh, I better get the phone,
you guys.

-You've received our message.

I'm glad you've come.
We've been waiting for you.

-Hey, you, the Bellerians
are off-limits.

-You've never heard of
the "getting some" clause?

-I was...

-Well, there we are, gentlemen.

-Tell me, Dave...
-Slab bulkhead.

-Your Viperwas equipped with
a new high-density de-atomizer

escape system, right?

-Yes, commander.

Right now, it only works
over very short distances,

but who knows what the future
potential of it could be.

-What about the professor?
-What's his max?

-Commander, I'm sorry
about the professor.

There's nothing
I could have done.

The system is only hooked up
to the Viperpilot.

-Don't blame yourself, son.

-It's not your fault
you're a chunk-head.

-You're lucky you're alive.

You're lucky you saved yourself.

-I can't breathe.

-Lea, you had us all worried.

Please, next time
there's a fire,

leave it to damage control.

You okay?
-Okay?

Next time, young lady,
you stay out of the way.

-Dad, I was there!
-Oh.

-The pilot chickened out.

Otherwise, Spooner
would be alive right now!

-David Ryder, I want you
to meet my daughter, Lea.

-We're about the same age.

-Professor never had a chance.

There's nothing I could
have done to prevent it.

-Oh, so you left him to die...
-Lea, stop it!

-He ejected, and he's alive!

-Listen, lady!

-Doctor!
-Doctor!

-Dr. Lady!

-I don't have to justify
my actions to you,

but since you're asking,
that explosion cut the power,

and there wasn't time to go overthe auxiliary backup system.

I had to eject.
I had no other choice.

-That's, "Doctor, I had
no other choice."

-Commander, Captain, excuse me.

I have to file my report.

-Coach will totally ream me
if I don't file my report.

-Lea...

-You're getting a lump of coal.

-I like playing with the knobs.

-All you can eat me tonight.
-Excuse me, sir.

I think you'll find
this interesting.

-Yes, what is it?

-It's an inventory of all
the explosives

under our control.

-Hey, one of the new monkeys.

-Oh, Gopher, are you lost?

-He's calling to check
on his gender.

-Uh, give me an audio/videolinkup, bridge to console seven.

Please hurry.

-There's something coming
through on the voice monitor

from the engine-room area.

-Wow.
-Put it through on five.

-The electrolysis is working.

-Those Formica monitors
don't have a lot of resolution.

-My name is
Flight Lieutenant Lemont.

-Well, according to my printout
from the supply store's

inventory,
we're definitely short

on conventional
ballistic explosive.

I mean, I double-checked.

Somebody with direct
online access

to central
has been transferring...

-Oh, wait, whoops.
-...a large amount

of explosives and then simply
covering the requisition.

I wouldn't have found out about it unless central asked me

to confirm acceptance
of 100 units

of chemo-plastic
and atomic compound.

I mean, that's crazy.

Can you imagine that amount
of explosives lying around

the ship's engine room?

-Come on, skull.
Pop out of my skin.

-Anyway, I think I've traced
who it is.

-Who in the hell
is he talking to?

Put it through to the bridge.

-I want to speak to somebody
from command, please.

-Excuse me, Al Lewis.

-Okay, for the sake of
security,

I think it would be better
if you came up here

and asked for me,
Lieutenant Lemont.

-Send a couple of menover there to stop that engineer

before he gets to the bridge --

unless I get to him first.

-Time me.
Go ahead.

Well, I think I just
have to report this.

I mean, I really thought
about it,

and I think I really
have to report this.

I really, really
have to report it.

-Herbie, the misfit elf.

-Looks like Billie Jean King.

-Oh, no, snowmobilers!

-I've seen this before,
compulsory Splatball.

-You know, if we pretend
we know what's going on,

this is actually
kind of exciting.

-Mm, no.

-Oh, he's above the stage.

Now he's going to fall right in
at the end of the opera.

-Doesn't this basement make the
spaceship kind of bottom-heavy?

-[Laughing]

-See?
I can throw my laugh.

-[Laughs]

-[Mocks laughter]

Come on. Give me your bio notes,or I'll get a D.

Come on, man.

-Third Engineer
Steve Codell...

-Known as Stinky
to his friends.

-...you have two choices.

-Soup or muffin.
-Join me or the deep freeze.

-I'd prefer to jump, Kalgan.

-And by the way, Kalgan,
we need more of you.

-Be my guest.

-No, the death
of Rick Springfield.

-Ah!

-I just wish I had
Jessie's girl!

-Oh, he had a mouthful
of Starburst.

[Kalgan laughing]

-Oh, then he TP'd him, nice.

♪♪

-They have the best mini golf
in the galaxy.

-What are those?
Is she raising recycling bins?

-Hi.

-Could I get a spot?

-You've got a nice place here.

-Yeah, bite my nice place.

-Listen...

I understand how you feel.
-It's, "Doctor, listen,

I understand how you feel."

-You?

How could you know how I feel?

-Listen, lady,
I did what I had to do.

Don't you think I realize
a good man died,

a man I respected and loved?

Hey, I don't need this.
-Wait.

-Did they miss a couple
of lines here?

-I wasn't aware
that you knew him.

-What difference does it make?

He's dead, and there's nothing
we can do about it.

-Now married to
an entertainment lawyer

in Sherman Oaks.
-Forget it.

I don't need this.

-This is like when I plateaued
on my delts, man.

-She's a sexy senior citizen.

[Synth music playing]
-Oh, shake it, Ralph Macchio.

-Yeah, Mike,
I bet you were really

into the Thompson Twins, right?
Huh?

You were Wang Chung-ing
all over the place, huh?

Huh?

-You know, I hate it when
the chaperones start dancing

with the kids.

-So in the future,
there's absolutely no shame.

-Oh, my pantyhose are itchy.

Pantyhose are itchy, itchy,itchy, itchy, oh, oh, oh, itchy.

-Oh.

♪♪

-Man, Shari Lewis has
got it going on.

-Oh, mama!
Well, grandmama, I guess.

-Now without metrical,
this would not be possible.

-Man, I'd rather get a table
dance from Trent Lott.

-What is she thinking?
I'm a weightlifter.

Come on.

-This is less subtle than

an Annie Sprinkle performance
piece.

-Oh, she's presenting
like a mandrill.

-Oh.

-Two-for-one techno
drinks, cool.

-Did you see my butt?

-I don't need this.

-Is a woman allowed to buy
a man a drink in your galaxy?

-Yeah, I guess it's okay.

-It kind of depends
upon the man now, doesn't it?

-On what?
-I don't know.

-Whether or not he wants
to accept it.

-Wow, it's like
Nick and Nora Charles.

-I see.

You're still angry.

-Checking, duh.

-Yeah, but I'll get over it.

-You know, the professor
taught me everything I know.

-It took him 20 seconds.

-Can we start again?

-Yeah, why not?

I made a mess of it
the first time.

Dave Ryder.
-Lea Jansen, glad to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.
-Do you like it here?

-It's not bad.

-Bennigan's, 1985.

-I should show my butt
to that guy.

-That's odd.

-What's that?
-I know that woman over there.

She works on the bridge.
-She's got an awesome package.

I never noticed that before.

-She's being ushered out.

-Is there any reason for it?
-I don't know.

It looks like
she's been arrested.

-She's walking with
two Mexican wrestlers.

-Let's go check it out.

-It's got to be
better than this.

-The dancing has gotten
even whiter.

-She's got an armadillo
down her trousers.

-Flight Lieutenant Lemont?
-Yes?

-Did you sign Sherry's card?
-Thank you, gentlemen.

-You were speaking with
Third Engineer Steve Codell.

-That is my business.

-But now I'm making it mine.
[Fires]

-I don't know. I've always liked

the vanilla sports shakes
better.

That's just me.

-Tell my wife I love her.

-Oh, yeah, sometimes I pass out

when I do a military
after a bench.

-There they go.
-Herve Villachaize's death car.

-Let's take this.

-Fridge Largemeat.

-Punt Speedchunk.
-Butch Deadlift.

-Geez, you could walk on your
hands and catch up to the guy.

-Put your helmet on.
We'll be reaching speeds of 3.

[Kalgan laughing]

-Hit the siren...

[Imitates "Entry of
the Gladiators"]

-Go.

-Let's see what this
Lark can do.

-We need both horsepowers
on this thing.

-Hey, look out!

-They just hit a poodle?
-Faster!

[Weapons firing]
-I can't go any faster.

I'd have to drop
the waxing compound.

-Put the top up!
Put the top up!

♪♪

-Man.
-"Duh do do do, duh da da da,"

is all I want to say to you.
-Hey, hey...

-Wait.
-She's dead.

-Wait a minute.
-She died.

-Wow.
-Sir.

-I think it's very nice of you

to give that dead woman
another chance.

-Here is your report, sir.

-Thank you, Devers.

-A D in comportment?

-You really believe, sir,
that this act of sabotage

has got something to do
with our navigational course?

-Yeah, I'm convinced.

This proves it.
-Ouch.

-I think they want to drive us

into the neighboring
constellation.

-Alphecca?
-Oh, I love that font.

-The constellation of
the Corona Borealis,

pirate territory.

-Precisely.

-Sir, we have to find out
who's behind this.

Any ideas, Commander?

-Yes.

You know, Captain...

-I have a whole colony
of people living in my beard.

-It's always very dangerous
to speculate.

-Yes, sir.

-So it would have to be
somebody on this ship.

-Brilliant.
-...who gains by this.

-Stand to gain.

-That leaves with us with what?
-Exactly squat, sir.

-The flight master?
The Enforcer?

-Waitress?
She never sees me.

I just...

-It's very perilous
for everyone onboard.

We do not make wild accusations,

so we keep this
top classified secret.

-Top super duper max-y
extreme ultra secret.

-Commander?
-Yes?

-Someone wants to see you.
-Check it.

-Okay, look alive, everybody.

Oh, sorry, Susan, that's right.

-She's dead.
-She's dead.

-Get off the StairMaster!

-Bold Bigflank.

-Splint Chesthair.

-It's Kevorkian!

-Yes?

Can I help you?
-Yes, you can.

We're looking for
the Enforcer's headquarters.

-Duh, we are?

-It really is
awfully lonely here.

Can I show you around?

-I was just about to do
the monster mash.

-Let's see --
what'd I forget to hide

before they came in here?

-Oh, yeah.
-Come on.

Let's get the hell out of here.
-Wait.

This looks interesting.

-Here at the underpants
testing ground...

-Whoa, these guys died,lost all their muscle mass, man.

-What?

-Would you care
for a spot of tea?

-Because doing so would be
very ironic.

-Well, uh,
we're in a bit of hurry.

-So we'll take it to go.
-What are all these bodies for?

-A personal collection.
-Collection?

-Yes, when anyone
is under suspicion,

they're immediately arrested,

tortured and given
the truth drug.

When Kalgan is convinced
they're of no longer use,

he simply has them
ejected into space.

-Ba-ba-ba-bump.

However, if they seem
redeemable,

Kalgan freezes them.

-Oh, do they keep well?

-That means all the Enforcers
are corrupt,

and Kalgan is running
his own personal army here.

-That's correct.

-How many Enforcers
has Kalgan killed?

-To date, 38.

-So Kalgan's control
of the Enforcers is complete,

and any of the Enforcers
that resisted him are dead.

-Or frozen.
-How many Enforcers are there?

-Just over 200.

-Oh, here comes
Lord of the Dance.

[Imitates soles scraping floor]

-The deep freeze.

-Oh, we're going
to the deep freeze.

I must say.
-Well, thank you for calling.

Do call again.

-I'm late for
Roddy McDowall practice.

-With the populationand the crew of the
Southern Sun

being so large,
surely we can do something.

-It's going to be a bloodbath.
-Well, if they've broken

intergalactic law,
that's mutiny.

We can call for help.

-Can not we?
-It's my guess that Kalgan

has already installed scramblersin the communications computer.

♪♪

-[Clears throat]

Oh, hey, Mike,
I'm a Bellerian.

-Sure looks that way,
doesn't it?

-Yep, yeah, I just found out,
and, you know, it's weird.

It explains so much about me,
about who I am,

where I came from,
what motivates me and such.

-Well, sure, I mean,
you're a Bellerian.

-Yep.
-So...

-Why?
Don't I look like one, or...

-No, sure, you do, yeah.

-Yeah, I mean,
I've got to be a Bellerian.

Otherwise, I wouldn't be
dressed like this.

Gosh, am I a Bellerian?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I --
I have to be.

Yep, yep, I'm a Bellerian.

Oh, hell, am I?

I... No, no, no, no,
I am a Bellerian.

I am, mm-hmm.

-Guard?

Guard, sick man,
we need more moisturizer.

-Hey, Lawgiver, I may havea way for us to get out of here.

-What?
How?

-Well, it just so happens
that a clever young ape named

Bobo just might be able
to regurgitate up a key

that'll undo these locks.

-Bobo, that's remarkable.

You lifted a key off a guard,

and you've smuggled it
in your stomach?

-Oh, well, no, actually,
the fact of the matter is that

I've swallowed so darn
many things over the years,

there must be a key down there
somewhere that'll work.

Let me just...
-Ew, do I want to get

free that badly?

-[Gagging]
Ah, a comb?

Where'd that come from?
Oh, that's right.

I swallowed a bunch of that bluestuff at the barbers,

and I've got a couple
of those in there.

-Would you just...
-I'm doing it.

I'm doing it.

Oh, a Zippo, what do you know?

Wait.

Wait, a hairpin.

-He swallowed a woman.

He swallowed a woman.
-I did not, Brain Guy.

I swallowed a wig.
-Oh.

-Let me just see if I can undo
this lock here.

Yes, yes, I'm free.

-Oh, great, Bobo, great, great.

Okay, Bobo,
listen very carefully.

Go get Observer's brain
and bring it back here.

We'll be out of here in no time.

-Leave it to Mr. Stealth,
oh, oh.

[Laughs]

-I -- I like lettuce.

-Shut up.
-Okay.

-Bobo, where is
Observer's brain?

What are you doing?

-Oh, please, would you just
give me a little bit of credit?

I mean, for crying out loud,

I have screwed up
so many things in the past.

I'd just like an opportunity
to redeem myself and then...

oh, oh,

I was supposed to get
Observer's brain, wasn't I?

And now you're probably
mad at me, aren't you?

And I suppose you want me
to hit myself now, don't you?

Oh, ow, my hands up here,and I've got a good angle on it.

Could I regurgitate up
anything to make it up for you?

-Well, I'll take some lettuce
if you have any lettuce then.

-Ah, coming up.

-Yeah, okay, okay, okay, ask meif I'm a Bellerian, point-blank.

-Oh, uh, are you a Bellerian?
-No.

Damn, I'm not.
What am I then?

Am I just some kind of
a gauzy fruitcake?

Am I just some kind
of a gullible freak

who allows the core of his own

being to be blown
to the four winds?

I mean, well, I guess so then.

Well, that's what I am then:
a gullible freak, good, good.

Wait. Wait.
What am I again?

[Buzzing]
-Oh, we've got movie sign,

figure it out later.
-Movie sign.

[Whirring, clanking]

-I look good as a Bellerian.
-Oh, you do.

It's just...

-You know, Mike,
take away all the muscle mass

on this Ryder guy,
it's pretty much you.

-Yeah, whatever.

You know, they shouldn't have
set their phasers to miss.

-Oh, railing kill.

-No, really, take away
his personality

and the fact that women are
attracted to him, and it's you.

-Thank you, that's fine for me.

-Ah!
-He killed Mitch Gaylord.

-Flint Ironstag.

-Bolt Vanderhuge.

-Whee!

-This is exciting
as exciting can be.

I must say.

-Got panty creep, eh, oh, ow.

-Methane.

-Oh, no, the methane, how are
they going to fill their cows?

-Thick McRunfast.

[Groaning]

-Forget it.
They're headed for the bridge.

-My skull is almost out now.
-Get back to your posts.

Let's go.

Move.

-You stay with me, Trent.

-Welcome, Commander Jansen.

How man I help you?

-Open file on...
-Blitzen.

-Bellerian behavior.

-Bellerian behavior,
order up high pre-dissent.

-Bellerians.

-Non-planet-based
practitioners of magic.

-See, these balls, magic, huh?

♪♪

-Mosquito, got it.

-The Stevie Nicks workout.

♪♪

-Commander.
-Have you signed Sherry's card?

-It is now time for us to talk.

-You?
-Yes, I am Jennera,

the 14th high priestess
of the Tripton Lineage.

-Ah, right. -The people of the
Southern Sun

are no longer able to distinguish light from dark.

Your people are falling prey
to the powers of darkness.

Listen. I speak the truth.

-Actually, she thinks
the truth very loudly.

-Ho, ho, ho.

-Finally, Christmas
comes to Santa.

-Mrs. Kringle and I
have an understanding.

-It's basically
over between us.

-Want to see me shake
like a bowl full of jelly?

-Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

-Someone did leave a cookie
out for me.

-I am a right, jolly old elf.

-What happened?

-I have shared with you
the way to truth.

Now you must use
what you have learned to face

Kalgan and his evil.

-I will.

-Let me just check you
twice here.

-My father and his father
before him...

-Also taped wool
to their faces.

-...were both reasonable men.

I myself have tried to follow
in their footsteps.

I'm a man who believes in peace,not war.

Captain Devers and I
have decided, David...

-You're fired.
-If you will accept,

we would like to name you
as our new flight commander.

-I mean, attendant.
-And we trust and pray

you will maintain this
as a ship of peace.

-Rockin'!
-And we will in due course

let all the people know and warnthem of Kalgan and his men.

-Yeah, I was going to say that.

-Well, David, good luck.

-We put our faith
in Blast Hardcheese.

-I'm going to go let the
Bellerians play under my robe.

-Ah.

-Hey, Sherry's birthday party!
Finally!

-Hey, she's nude!
-She's fully nude.

-Ah, Lieutenant Waitress.
-Yep, yep,

she's a graduate of MIT,

but she still has
to serve drinks to men.

-Okay, that's two bull shots
and a pink squirrel here.

-Well, David.

-Cheers.
-Cheers.

-Buff Drinklots.
-It's real fruit flavor.

-It's a great honor
serving you and your ship,

the Southern Sun.

-Here is to you, David.
-And happiness.

-That's what it's all about.

-Woo-hoo, we've got
ISO 9001 certified.

-Commander, where is Lea?
-Take that back!

-Lea?
Oh, Lea.

-My grandmadaughter.

-David, I think you'll find her
in her usual place.

-Hiding from you.

-The greenhouse.
Excuse me.

-Yes.

-He's going to have so much sex
with your daughter.

-Well, Captain,
can you remember

when you were that young?

-I am that young.

-I'll be damned if I can.

-Oh, Slab, oh, oh, Hunk.

-Oh, Flink.

-Why do you need that guy
over there to spot you?

-Thanks, this is really good
for my abs.

-She dusted herself
with super weight-gain powder

to attract him.

♪♪

-No, ick, no, wrong,

no, nothing, nothing, stop.

Now what is that?
Cut it out.

Clod, no, not there, don't...
Look.

Just get off me.

Hey, you want to wrap it up,
chunky?

There's a tour coming through.

[Warbling]

-Super-intelligent
dandelion seeds.

-They'll worship anything.

-Okay, practice your
dog paddle, ladies.

-I can't get this water
out of my ear.

♪♪

-Oh, I hate food.

-Can I borrow a cup of sex?

-Man, she makes Shelley Duvall
look like Shirley Hemphill.

♪♪

-Come on.
It'll be all right.

-You stupid food lovers.

-Bellerians.

-Pantene Pro-V.

-Glenda Jackson is Kate Moss
as Isadora Duncan.

-Red rover, red rover,
let Jimmy come over.

-♪ Duh, duh, duh, all right

-Why didn't you call me thesecond they deserted their post?

-Wow, man.-The minute they didn't respond,

I came to you.
I didn't know what else to do.

-What happened?

-They rocked us
like a hurricane, sir.

-Talk to me. What happened?
-Happened?

-Some happened.
-Nothing happened.

-We just talked and looked
at glowing balls.

-Kalgan warned us
about these women.

-Knock it off, Colton.
Grab these idiots.

Take them down to refrigeration
and put them on ice.

-Um, but we're all idiots, sir.

-Heads are going to roll when
Kalgan finds out about this.

-But we were just working on
some night moves, sir.

-Not a Bellerian anymore.
-Yeah.

-[Imitates snoring]
-Come on, Metamucil.

Work your magic.

-[Imitates snoring]

-Is this the man?

-Why, no, sir, you the man.

-Soften him up.

-So Lance Kerwin is their thug.

-Okay, what are you doing?

By soften,
I meant moisturize him.

-He's an artist with a fist.

[Grunting]

-Quiet, Mitch Miller is on.

-No, no more.

-Okay, a little more then.

-I don't like people
who make mistakes.

We're going to put you
on ice for a while.

-On Vanilla Ice.

-Wait.
I want to know what's going on.

What's happening with my men?

-What's the matter, Ranger?

Afraid you're losing control?

-Yes, I'm losing control
over my men and over

what I'm responsible for.

-Don't be so naive.

You want off this ship
as much as anybody.

-That may be true,

but I'm not willing
to sacrifice the lives of...

-Look.
-It's over, Tad.

-Kalgan has got his plan.

We're getting off this ship
with the help of the pirates,

and there's nothing you,

nor I, nor anybody else
can do about it.

-Bitch.

-This is the Alphecca
pirate fleet.

To those onboard
the Southern Sun,

listen carefully.

-Good morning.
-You have entered

the Alpha Delta
restricted zone.

We have claim on this section
of space.

Surrender immediately or be
blown into astrodust.

[Weapons firing]

[Explosions]

-Shot of
a previous explosion!

-Red alert, red alert,
we are under fire.

We are under fire.
-Okay, got to go, Gary.

-Target spaceship in range,
prepare to fire missile.

-Fire nipples?
-That's what he said.

-Fire one.

♪♪

-Death, death, death.

-Fire two.

-"The Honeymooners"!

-Pirate ship terminated.
Return to post.

-God, I love Pac-Man.

-To all onboard,
congratulations.

We have successfully defended
theSouthern Sun...

-It's the nude girl again.
-...against the latest

pirate attack.
-They're having the same party.

-We must now focus
on internal problems.

-White Commodores!
-Can I have

your attention please?

The officers of the watch,
please form three groups.

The first group is going to be
responsible for making weapons.

-Making wappots?
-The second group is going

to act as soldiers.
-Sir, we were on break.

-The third group is responsible
for getting food and supplies.

-I suggest we close off
all entries and exits

to the engine room.

We're going to hold out here

and never let them take
over the Southern Sun.

Let's get out there
and kick some ass!

[Cheering]
-Trunk Slamchest.

-Fist Rockbone.
-Stump Beefknob.

-Smash Lampjaw.

-So you usually see Denise
to do your hair, huh?

-I'd like some mixed flowers
for my eunuch.

-Lovely spot, isn't it?

-What are you doing here?

-You're much more attractive
with your mouth shut.

Bring her to my headquarters
at once.

-And get her some pants.

-Oh, she's really struggling.

I must say,
she's going mental on us,

but then again, she isn't.

-Don't touch my chin tuck.

It's new.

-Let's go.

-Well, I thought
it was funny anyway.

-Jason, go get Lea.

I want her
on the bridge immediately.

-It's
Lieutenant Commander Jason.

-Jason.

-Commander, message coming
through on channel 16.

-What do you got for me,
Rick Astley?

-Jansen, I have something
to show you.

-I've got your mother.
-Oh, no.

-You have 12 hours
to surrender the bridge.

Otherwise, your daughter
will be jettisoned into space.

-Well, no downside.
-Well, Captain?

-Kalgan lives like that, sir.
He lives by the sword.

-I thought he lived
by the galley.

-He's ruthless.

There are many people
onboard this ship, sir.

-Boy.
-We have to fight back.

-Strewth.
-Go on.

-Sir, we both know that there's
only one man on this ship

who's capable of combat...
-Too right.

-...who's had the training,
physically and mentally.

-All right.
-Fetch me my warrior muumuu.

-We will prepare for battle.

-The crowd stands and applauds
as she's helped off the movie.

-You animals, how can I do
ab crunches in this?

-Let me introduce you
to the high-intensity

probing laser.

I do have one weakness: pain...

-And French silk pie.
-...other people's.

Now, I'm going to use this laseron one of your teeth.

It works not unlike
ancient dental equipment,

not that you'd know
anything about that.

-You're too stupid to learn
about dental history.

-Bastard.

-How dare you insult my
knowledge of ancient dentistry.

-Now, about your father's
contingency plans?

-You bastard!
-Oh.

-I can't believe it.
There's a sale on PowerBars.

Those things never go
on sale, man.

[Pounding]

-Huh, it sounds like
you're knocking, Tom.

You might need some premium gas.

-They really need the masks?

-Punch Rockgroin!

-Ah!
-Oh, railing kill!

-Railing kill, there we go.
-All right.

-It must be a very
elderly woman

with the flu under that costume.

-Buck Plankchest.
-Stump Chunkman.

-Dirk Hardpec.

-Rip Steakface.
-Slate Slabrock.

-Crud Bonemeal.

-What a shame to burn out
these lovely teeth.

I want those countermeasures!

-Brick Hardmeat.

-So he fits into a suit
that was restrictive

on a really small man?

-I'm wondering.

[Beeping]

-What was that sound?
Was that you, sir?

-No, mine are quiet.

-Ah, it's the laser
that whirs like a drill.

-Just keep smiling.

Don't let him know
it bothers you.

-I don't feel a thing.

-I'm an emotionally
stunted man.

-I had a prophylaxis scheduled.

-Can you sign a check
so I can go to OfficeMax?

♪♪

-Turn it off!
[Ominous music]

-Does his entrance warrant
a "dun duh duh duh dun dun?

-Nope.

-I, uh, see you got the girl.

-I had to let them know
we meant business.

-Girl.
-I'd better get back to

the engine room
before they miss me.

-Come.
I'll take you.

-Why did he wander out of the
engine room in the first place?

Geez.

-Damn AOL.

-Wall-mounted keyboards:
It must be the future.

-Hi, Murray, it's Joseph here.
-Murray.

-Yo, pal.
-Hey, listen.

My monitor has gone off again.

-I'll schedule you
for next week.

-Well, can't you fix it
any sooner?

-We're backed up already.

-Okay, whenever you can.

-Anything for you, buddy.
-Yeah, okay, take it easy.

-The computer problems
of Murray and Joe

make for gripping cinema.

-I saw a ghost.

-Rip Slagcheek.
-Punch Sideiron.

-Gristle McThornbody.

♪♪

-Hey, you, come here.

-Do you mean me
or my familiar over there?

-Yeah, you, come here.

-Yes, a man born
without a brain stem.

♪♪

-Close.

-You know, the last eight times
this happened,

the woman just
wanted to get away.

-Closer.

-You had a little popcorn
on your lip.

It was bothering me.
-Oh, closer.

-Oh, yeah.

-This is just like the time
I got last at Bally's --

wandered down to thetennis courts, couldn't get out.

-He's standing right under
a toilet outlet there.

-Slake Fistcrunch.

-Buff Hardback.
-Bob Johnson.

Oh, wait.
-No.

-You're lucky the smart guard
is on vacation this week.

-Morgan Fairchild
and Phil Collins, no!

-Oh.
-Oh.

-Let me see a sunken chest.

-Oh, please, my breasts
are very sensitive.

-Oh, yeah.

-Is the rest of the equipment
as good as that?

-Let's have a look.

-What's he doing, Mike?
-Yeah.

-Wait.
-I don't -- I don't think...

-I'll make you a trade,
first your trousers,

and then you can see everything.

-This is supposed to be
an ipecac, right?

-Okay! Okay.

-Now, that's the cast
of "The Poseidon Adventure"

coming the other way.

-Geez, the guy was just coming
down to scoop out the cat box.

-Look.
I'm sorry, whoever you are.

I was just getting
really frustrated.

-No! No!
-No! No!

-No!
-I don't...

-Okay.
-That's all I've got.

-My shoe.

-Your shoe.
Shoe!

-God.
-Yuck.

-Holy cow, that was totally
out of left field.

-Blast Thickneck.

-Crunch Buttsteak.

-Slab Squatthrust.

-Oh, you lovable trollop.

[Zips]

-What took you so long?

-I've been busy too.
Let's get his clothes.

-Oh, so it's going to be
a three-way.

Okay, that's fine, guys.

[Door hisses open and closed]
-"Rawhide."

[Door hisses open and closed]

"Rawhide."

-Ah!

-Come on.

I found this place that makes
these really healthy shakes.

-Come on. Move.

Move. Move. Come on.
Move.

-I'm moving, bossy boots.

-Come on. Move. Move.
Move. Move.

You see how it feels?
Move!

-Lump Beefbroth.

-Move. Move. Move. Move. Move.

-No, you move.
-No, you move, move.

-No, you move.
-Okay, now move.

Move. Move one leg
then move the other.

Now breathe, breathe.
Now make your heart beat.

Come on.

-You can see right up
their jumpsuits.

-Did you sign Sherry's
belated birthday card?

-Move, move.
No, don't! Wait.

♪♪

-Ah!
-How y'all doing?

-Ow, my mask.

-Here, put this on, okay?

-But I just boost my hair.

-These will make it
so we can't see anything.

-All right.
Let's move.

-Jesus.

[Muffled]

-The boiler room
has a receptionist?

-All right. Let's go.

-..."and have concluded
that the boilers

have not moved for some time."

-Hey, you guys,
let's see some ID.

-Not technically a railing
but the same spirit.

-Sure, sure.

-Ow, why do you hate
my groin so much?

-I don't, Mike.
-All right.

Let's move.
-I mean, move, move, move.

-Stupid freshman.

-Have you located the girl?

-I'll poke my skull out at you.

-Answer me!

-Ah!I am surrounded by incompetence.

I'm being undermined
by my own disciples.

You let that space bitch
slip through our fingers.

She was our...
-What do you call that?

-Where's that idiot
who let her escape?

-We've got him on ice, sir.

-Kill him at once.
-Yes, sir.

-And then tell MacPhearson
our plan is operational.

Put the entire squad
on red alert.

-They woke up
The Oak Ridge Boys.

-♪ Elvira, giddy up

[Thudding, whirring]

-Oh, say, that's a nice one,

hmm, wrought iron
-Hey, Servo...

Oh, ow!
-Careful there, Mike.

-Another one of those things.

Servo, do you know
anything about this?

-Oh, yeah, I just installed

a bunch of new safety railings
on this ship.

-Oh, really?
-Yeah.

-Why?!
-What, why?

What happens when OSHA stops by

and sees everything
completely unrailing, huh?

Big fat fines, that's what,
but more importantly, Mike,

we've got to want to do it
for ourselves.

-Well, you just can't put
railings up randomly.

-You can't?
-I mean, there was a railing

in front of the door to my room.

-Uh-huh.
-There --there --

there was a ankle-high railing
around the rugs,

and there was a railingaround the leftover hash browns.

I mean... Ow.

-I'd better build a railing
around that railing there.

-Ah!
Oh, ow.

-Ah, Crow just found
the whisper-quiet high-speed

spinning-spike railing.

-Yeah, cool, ow.

-All right, Servo.

You've got 1 hour to get rid
of every railing on the ship.

-What? What?
-Okay, 1 hour? I mean it.

All right?
-Oh, for crying out loud...

-Ow, oh, ow, ah!

-Yeah, Mike,
I forgot to tell you

that I had some moats put in
because it's pretty hard

to justify
having this many railings

without at least
having some big heights

to have railings in front of.

Know what I mean?

[Splashes]
-Servo!

-We'll be right back.

Hello?

♪♪

-Servo, there's a railing
around my seat.

-You're welcome.

-Oh, thank God.

-Uh, I'm okay too.

-Hey, how about some sugar
for Sting and Dolph here?

-Commander, we have a problem.
-I'm out of megafuel.

-Yes, David?
-MacPhearson is a traitor.

-Yes, I saw him with Kalgan
at the Enforcer's headquarters.

-I can't believe it.
I mean, he could be...

-Dad, I saw him there today.
-Today?

-That being the case,
this is serious.

He knows our codes.
He has our weapons.

-Weapons?

-And he knows all
our countermeasures.

I find this unbelievable.
-Wake up, gramps.

-He's one of my best men.
He's my chief engineer.

-Commander, if I may say so...

-You need to cut some weight.
-Let me do my job.

-I'm coming with you.
-I'm coming too.

-I'm not.

-Captain, I'd rather
do it alone.

-As you please, Dave.

-But thank you.
-You're welcome.

-Lea, you stay here.

Commander.

-There goes a big, brave
brick of meat.

-New squid in a globe.

[Ethereal music]

-This is really hard music
to dance to, Cindy.

-Laraine Newman
and the Newmanettes.

-One cannot escape
one's own destiny.

-But one can delay it
indefinitely and have a beer.

-Geez.
-We're going in.

-I clogged up the toilet,
but we're going in.

-Oh, now they stole
the Enterprise's

red-alert sound thingy.

-Well, eighty-six
the pan-seared tuna, you guys.

Chef says we're all out.

-Oh, I'm going to miss
this old, uh, wherever we are.

-Don't get smart
with me, ceiling.

-Touch Rustrod.
-Reef Blastbody.

♪♪

-Coach has us
doing wind sprints.

[Synthesized chorus]

-[Imitating soundtrack]

-It sounds like Kitaro fell
asleep on his keyboard.

-Aah...

Uh...

♪♪

-Big McLargeHuge.

-Damn you.

-So where the hell
are these two

in relationship to each other?

I don't...
-Sneaky little...

-Stop right there!

-Would you like to sample
some canoe?

-We're being attacked
from above.

Commander Ryder,we're being attacked from above.

The Enforcers are... Ah!

-Hold on.
Let me come down and tell you.

Right there.

-Ah!

♪♪

-Ow, geez,
cut it out, you guys.

-Here's a little free advice
for the mutineers.

Just stop and aim, you idiots.

-Why is he so impossible
to hit?

Why do they keep on missing
this slow giant white thing?

-Going below, after me. Move.

-Cut him off.

-Well, loading up
some railing fodder here.

-All right.

-Well, my flamethrower
is kind of weak here.

It's...

[Imitating soundtrack]

-Let's go, go, go.

-You know, in this movie,
people don't seem to trust

other people's ability
to move forward.

-Yeah.

-A horse, my kingdom
for a horse.

[Imitating soundtrack]

-Ah!

-Oh, someone get me
a Zantac quick.

-Ooh-ooh.

-Oh, send my mask to mother.

-Stay together, cheeks.
Stay together, cheeks.

-Wow, they rented
a pneumatic catapult,

and, damn it,
they're going to use it.

-So many good lives wasted.

-Not these guys' lives, but...

-War always brings out
the worst in man.

I don't know.

I feel that I failed.

-You did, Daddy.
-Don't blame yourself.

It had to happen.

There was no compromise.

-Oh, that scene really makes me
stop and think

about how much better a root
canal would be than this movie.

-I think they just borrowed

the South High Marching Band
uniforms.

-So this takes place
at the Anheuser-Busch Brewery?

Or...

-Oh, they're having
a craft fair.

-Giant toilet seat
hanging there.

-Yeah, handicapped accessible,
I don't think so.

-Please don't use those stairs.

-Ah!
-Ah!

-Oh, please don't shoot us.

Okay, then you don't get
a boxed lunch then.

-Ah!

-You know, it has to be noted

that Captain Santa Claus
really is failing here.

-Absolutely.

-See? I am handy capable!

-The railing contributed
to his death there.

Yeah, that's a railing death.
-Railing kill, yeah.

-That's a railing death.

-Smoke ManMuscle.

-See, if I hadn't lifted
so much,

those rays would hurt me.

-Ah!
-Ooh, he needs a giant tux.

-Out of my way, you idiot!
-Stupid Buddhist monk,

the Vietnam war has been over
for hundreds of years.

-Well, if there's one thing
this movie does well,

it's tossing Canadians around.

-I mean, Canadians?
-Oh, come on, Mike.

This movie is ripe
with the stench of back bacon.

Geez.
-If you say so.

-Wow, I am on the edge
of my seat.

I should probably scoot back
a little.

It'd be more comfortable.
-Yeah, you've got

a lot more room
there if you just scoot back.

-I still support
the railing system.

-Hey, Don, can I work in here?

-Ah!

-Wahoo!
Whee!

-Well, you've got to get back
to the engine room!

Move!

-I'll loosen up the paint.

We can scrape later.

♪♪

-Let's get out of here!
Back to the engine room!

Move!
Move!

-Does he suddenly have
golf-ball sized throat nodes?

Or...

-Oh, watch the groin.

Ow, watch the groin.

-It seems to me that randomly
blowing up things

is not a good strategy
in a spaceship.

♪♪

-Fire.

-Don't waste your time.
You'll never get through there.

-I must say.
-You'll get singed.

It's over.
Now let's get out of here.

-We're being totally defeated,
I must say.

-Eat Punchbeef.

-I'm leaving.
-Lea.

-You mind getting
me some coffee?

-Lea.
-Get me some coffee.

-Lea, come back.
-Forget it, Devie.

-My name is not Debbie.
-You can't stop love.

-He must have blown out his
knee in an earlier mutiny.

-Oh, this is new. -It says in the Bellerian book,

the universal truth
will always prevail.

MacPhearson,
your time has come.

You are the first.

-I wonder if it's too late
to un-mutiny.

-Now that is exciting, Mike.

That guy just fell over
a railing as he died.

Now tell me that isn't
a good movie after

seeing something like that.
-Take it -- take it easy, Crow.

-I'm feeling good.
-Hack Blowfist.

-Oh, watch it, man.

[Chuckling]

-Ah!

-Is he all right?
Or...

-I don't know.

-Ah!

-Lea!

MacPhearson!

-That's a really good
strut suspension.

♪♪

-♪ Spider-Skank,
Spider-Skank ♪

-Ah!
-Who took my purse?

-Oh!

Oh!

-Oh, man, I shouldn't have

ridden my recumbent bike
to work.

-Ah!

-Ah, into a nice sitz bath.

Ah.

-He's got into
the gas-expulsion sump.

-Ryder, it doesn't have
to be this way.

-I love you.

[Warbling]

-Think about it.

We can work this thing out.

-We'll get couples counseling.

-I didn't have anything
to do with this.

-Sorry, loose valve here,
what were you saying?

-What are you doing, man?

-What's that smell?
What are you doing?

-Man, chunkhead just beefed.

-I got the gas grill going.

You guys want burgers?

-Ah!

-And our brave hero roasts

the disabled man.

-Well, I have learned one thing

from this movie, Mike --

not to sit
in our gas-expulsion sump.

-Uh-uh.

-We've got to stop
having lunch there.

-We do.
-That's a good point.

♪♪

-You should have stayed up
on the bridge,

safe with your father.
-Hey, guys.

-The Enforcers are not going
to attack again.

-Let's see.
Just how big is this?

-Yeah, how the hell
do you know that?

-Well, if you'd shut up,
I'd tell you.

-That's impressive.
-Kalgan is dead.

-That's pretty decent.
-They have no leader.

They have no choice
but to surrender to my father.

-Hey, guys, just dropped
the reports off.

-Besides, I thought you would
be happy to see me.

-Of course, I am.
That's not the issue.

Your father should have
stopped you.

-My father stopped interfering
with my life

when I was 15 years old.

-Hey again, guys,
just forgot something.

-I have a lot of respect
for your father.

He's a good man.

I just wish he could control youas well as he does this ship.

-You mean have a mutiny on me?

Or...
-Control me?

If I hadn't saved you
in that engine room...

-Oh, come on.

I would have got out of that
situation no problem.

-Well, that's gratitude.
-Gratitude?

Stop throwing your
$10 words around.

-Why did you do it?
-Because...

Oh, never mind,
you really are stubborn.

-Does that mean I'm cut?

-♪ Music that
means, means, means ♪

♪ Nothing at all, all, all

♪ Bah, bah, bah,
boom, boom, boom ♪

♪♪

-Now, it is time for Kalgan.

-Recommended by top readers.

-He's gearing up for a really
intense video game.

-Oh, man, why is this seat
so far forward?

Who was driving this thing last?

-Well, someone dropped a jar
of Hellmann's in aisle seven.

I've got to go clean it up.

-Evil, evil, evil, put, put,
put, put, evil, evil.

♪♪

-Push on, mighty Cushman.

♪♪

-Oh, these things are a riot!

-Oh, shoot, didn't see you,
my fault, totally my fault.

-Lea, you all right?

-Fine.

-Son of a...

♪♪

-Damn, I'm losing speed

because I'm also trying
to buff the floors.

-Oh, sorry, you cut me off
by the boiler.

It just ticked me off.

-You know, in their silliest
moments,

the Three Stooges never reached
this level of indignity.

-You know, a lot of people
have compared this scene

to the climactic chariot scene
in "Ben-Hur."

-Uh-huh.

-Yeah, you know,
they usually say,

"'Ben-Hur' was really good.
This movie totally sucks."

-That follows.
-All right.

-You'll wish you'd never
come here, Ryder.

♪♪

-Lea, help,
Kalgan is chasing me.

-Active senior's lifestyle
says thumbs up.

It will make your heart race,

though maybe that's not
such a good thing.

-Any second,
Lea is going to jump

on her big wheel and give chase.

-I'm going to get you,
you bastard.

-Meddling fool.

-What,
is he Snidely Whiplash?

-"Meddling fool!"

-You know, you can actually get
another 3 miles an hour

in these babies if you take it
off the shag setting.

-Lea!

-Accursed mountebank.

-Lea, get out of the way.

-Did he use a wire bottlebrush
inside his throat

before he filmed this scene?

-Ah!

-Toro, Toro, these things
are made by Toro.

-Still, it's better
than "Days of Thunder."

-Wow.
-Yeah.

-Lea, look out!

-Oh, this is a riot.

-Take this, you space bitch.

-Ah!

-That's for not
knowing anything

about ancient dentistry.

-Hey, come on!
-Son of a...

Oh, I forgot
to stubbornly yell, sorry.

-[Laughing]

[Mocking laughter]

-Bastard.

Ah!

-Oh, and we got that
out of my system.

-Roll Fizzlebeef.

-No!

-Oh, boy.

-Wow, big explosion
for a tiny electric cart.

-Yeah, he shouldn't have been
carrying that case

of cleaning fluid
and nitroglycerin

and gelignite in there.

-Plus, he microwaved an egg
at the same time.

Hmm?

-Finally got some time to lift.

-Lea, Lea, you okay?

-Come on!
Move, move, move, move.

-Are you okay?
-Yeah, I'm fine.

What happened?

-Uh, okay.

-Don't worry about it.

Kalgan is gone forever.
-Uh, I'm guessing.

-It's finished.

♪♪

-[Laughing]
-Ow, ow, oh, boy.

-Thank God.

-Yeah.
-Thank my personal trainer.

-Let's get out of here.
-Come on.

Move, move, move, move.

-Not since the Fuzzy Zoeller-
Lee Trevino collision of 1974

has there been such
a horrible golf-cart accident.

-God, I wish we had
some marshmallows, you know?

We could stuff them in our eyes
and ears

and never have to see
or hear this stupid movie.

-Lea, this could be the start

of a beautiful
alternate-day bulk-up routine.

-Attention, Commander Ryder,

Stingray Patrol
ready for takeoff.

-Won't you miss your flight?

-Does that mean
you won't marry me?

-Huh?
-Oh, Dave!

-I think you skipped a line.

♪♪

-Ah, there we go,

got a little bit
of a workout in at last.

-Hey, there's a little draft
over there.

Let's make out over here.

-We married and had a healthy
8-1/2-pound pork roast.

-Oh, right, yeah.
I think chunkhead is more

of a shuttlecraft,
if you know what I'm saying.

-Yes, sir.

-Good, good, back to the rustingseptic system

of this futuristic spaceship.

-I hope they spend the last
few minutes on the apology.

-I heard there's
a tacked-on bit of film

featuring the attorney general
explaining how you can join

in a class-action suit
against this movie.

There is.

-Well, right, okay, pans over,

and Kalgan wakes up,
and he's not dead.

-Yeah, yeah, then
there's Kalgan with his hands

in the air
coming back from the dead...

-Okay, okay, we're all really
surprised

because, wow, we already saw
Kalgan die, et cetera,

Can we just move it
along now, people?

-Is he waiting for his pants
to come out of the dryer?

-I don't know what to...

-Ha-ha-ha-ha!
-Oh, ow, I'm too sore.

♪♪

-Cajun pan-blackened Kalgan.

-And his eyes open.

And his eyes open.
-His eyes open.

-Eyes open.
-Eyes open.

-His eyes open.
-Come on.

-I'm sitting in something wet.

♪♪

-Me, take me away.

-We don't need more Kalgan.

♪♪

-Boo.
-Boo!

-Boy, you know,
a retarded jellyfish

could make
a better movie than this.

Whew.
-A severely impaired box turtle

with a very busy schedule,

just give him
a camera for a day,

he'd come up with something
better than this.

-Music rejected
by the band Survivor.

-♪ They say I'm a fool
-Hey, uh-huh.

-♪ Because I believe

-Hold on here.
-Sir, please.

-♪ I know enough
-He knows enough.

-♪ To know I can dream
-Me too.

I feel like that
sometimes too, yeah.

-The lobster man was played
by Guy Pringle.

-Wow, wouldn't want to slam
a stack of that guy.

-Hey.

-♪ The moment is now,
here I stand ♪

-♪ She's a maniac,
maniac on the floor ♪

-♪ The future stays for me

-♪ Don't pay the ferryman

♪ Don't even fix that price

-♪ Here I am

-♪ Maniac,
maniac on the floor ♪

-♪ Edge of the dream

-Everybody!

-♪ Someday, love will find you

-Hey, the Bellerians.
All right.

-Hi, my name is Jeanet Moltke.

I'm a Bellerian.This is my friend Laura Fremont.

She's a Bellerian too.

-♪ There's no feeling of time

♪ I'm eager to...

-You know, it is
statistically proven

that 78 percent of white guys
can sing like this.

-Really?

-Because no one else
wants to, Crow.

-♪ But maybe I'll fly

-♪ Though I highly doubt it!

-♪ Here I stand

-♪ I'm staying in my parents'
basement until I find a job ♪

-Continuity, Bev Wilbraham,

can she be legally arrested now?

-You -- you know, though,
they really did have

excellent
clapping and loading.

-So the best boy
that they could come up

with was Fuzzy Skinner?

-♪ Edge of a dream

-Here, hold on.
I've got one.

-♪ I wear my sunglasses
at night ♪

♪ So I can
-Eh?

-Proper.
-This band will be appearing

at the Bombay Bicycle Club
later this weekend.

-Okay, okay, Mike,
be honest with us.

-Yeah.
-This music kind of really

gets your blood going, huh?
-Yeah, Mike,

this is yourmusic
done by yourpeople,

so I blame you
for this entire movie.

-Yeah, it's just like you
to make

a movie like this, geez, Mike.
-Hey, I hated it too.

What are you picking on me for?

-Well, you were a young guy
during the '80s, weren't you?

-Yeah, so?
-This is your world.

Admit it.

[Tranquil synthesizer music]

-Okay, now this, this --
this here is the kind of music

you get all weepy-eyed
at the end

of a drunken Friday night,

sitting there with your hair
all feathered,

scarfing down cold potato skins.

-Your attempt to get little
Suzie what's-her-name drunk

on lime vodka
ended in humiliating rejection.

-Right.
-So you sit there

all mushy and sentimental,

reciting to yourself the words
to some song by Night Ranger.

You're pathetic.

-Yeah, maybe one homely girl
feels sorry for you

for a second,
but then she sees

how stinking drunk you are
and gets disgusted.

-And -- and -- and maybe
the first-chair trombone player

from a high school band
comes by, you know,

and he takes pity on you,

tries to drive you home and all,but, no, Mike.

-No.
-You want to swerve home

in your cherried-out
Dodge Charger, geez.

-Yeah, you wind up wrestling
for your keys with the guy,

and then finally, he drops you
with one punch, and he leaves,

and you lie there knowing
you got your butt kicked

by the leader
of the high school band.

-You're pathetic.
-You and your '80s.

-Your precious '80s.
-You know, it would have

continued
to be the '70s if not for you.

-Yeah!
-All right. All right.

That's it.
That tears it.

-Hey, hey, hey!
-Come here, you!

-You want a piece of me?

It's go time, '80s man!
-Come on!

Come on! Come on!
Come on, you! Come on!

-I'll take you.
-Come on!

-You '80s jerk!
-Come on, cool breeze, eh?

Ow, ow, don't... Ow, ow.

-Oh, wait.
Wait.

Wait.
Wait, you guys.

Wait.
This isn't us, man.

-Yes, it is,
you hair-feathering freak.

Get him!
-No, no, no, no, no, no.

-Servo, he's right.
He's right.

This movie has us turning on
each other, it won't end.

-No, no.
-These credits just won't end.

-It's just like
the stupid '80s.

They never ended either.

-No, no, actually
they did, Tom.

There, that's okay.

Okay, see?
See?

There's the copyright.
That means it's over.

-I'm sorry, Mike.
-Sorry, Mike.

-It's all over, you guys.
I'm sorry too.

[Clanking, whirring]

-[Grunting]
So what do you think?

Am I buff or what?

Am I blue-twisted
cold-rolled steel or what?

-You're sure you've lifted
already?

You're not planning to liftat some future date or anything?

No, I see it.
I see it.

Your arm goes along, and then
there's a little bump there.

-No, there's this little
ripped bicep is what you mean.

Poindexter Crow, you're gone!

No more the pathetic weenie
to be pushed around at will.

-Yeah, great, hey,
Cambot, I want you to zoom in

with the macro lens, maybe we
can get a shot of that bump.

-No, you don't need
no macro lens, Nelson.

I am superbly buff,
and that's that.

-Uh, uh, Hey, Mike, uh...
-Whoa.

-...could I get a spot
over here, man?

-Uh, Servo, you're, uh...
-Yeah, I know.

I've got ape arms
and a colossal tuchus

and all this from
one leg press, huh!

-Geez.

-I am quite susceptible
to bulking up.

-Well, maybe you've done enough
for 1 day then there, buddy.

-Yeah, probably,
but I'm addicted now.

If I don't lift, I die.

So if I, like, I could get
a spot over here...

-Yeah, sure, no problem, man,

first, I've got to
talk to Pearl though.

All right?
-Yo.

-All right.
-See, I was going for tone.

[Servo grunts, metal clangs]

-Well, Mike, here I am,

chained to a wall with an
exceptionally stupid monkey...

-Thank you.

-...and a brainless,
drooling nitwit.

-String tastes funny.

-Pearl Forrester, great life,

Pearl, good job.

-Oh, Pearly, girlie,
I thought I'd come down

and remind you
that you die at dawn tomorrow.

You die at dawn tomorrow.

-Your breath stinks.
-Really?

Well, um, I'll be back later
to remind you.

Bye-bye.

-Well, there it is, Mike.

I see no way out.

Observer is useless
without his brain.

-Uh, what about --
what about my brain?

-Oh.
-So we die tomorrow.

I guess you guys
are free to go.

-All right.
-Woo-hoo!

-We're rich.

-Wow, uh,

boy, we're happy
and all that we can go,

but we'd really rather
it didn't end this way

with you dying and all.
Right, guys?

-Oh, oh, right, right.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is --

this is awkward anyway.
-Yes.

-Yeah.
-Yes.

-Well, thank you,but maybe it's all for the best.

This gives me a chance to make
my peace with...

God or whatever.

As I look back on my life,

I see that I've been tormenting
you for no good reason,

and perhaps even at this
late date,

whatever powers over us

all might see fit
to forgive me for all the...

-Is this yours?
I found it over there.

-Ha! My brain.
Dah!

-Never mind, Nelson!

Hey, hey, brain guy...

-Yes?
-We need --

we need some sort of distractionfor when Flavia returns.

I know: could you try, like,
a fake seduction on her?

-Oh, no, no, no, no, no,

I could never seduce
a woman, Pearl.

-Oh, because you're...
-I -- I thought you knew.

I --I am completely and utterly
without a body.

I -- I have no body.

-Well, thank you for coming out
with that information.

-Oh, I know.

Let's get Mike down here.
-Yes, Mike!

-Okay, here we go.

-Oh, Mike.
-Mike.

-Mike, we need you to try,like a fake seduction on Flavia.

-Yeah, yeah. That's it.
-Oh, wow.

Okay, seducing a beautiful
woman, not my forte.

I could maybe give you 15
to 20 seconds, tops.

-That should be fine.
-Good, good, good, good.

-If she was old or lonely or
infirm or blind or something...

-Oh, would you please...
-...like that, I mean...

-Here she comes!

-I'm on it.
I'm on it.

Don't worry about it.
-You?

What are you doing here?

-Well, hey, if it isn't
Flavia's daughter?

-What does that even mean?
-Well, I --

I guess it...
-Yeah?

-... just means that...

-What's it... Yeah.
What?

What? Come on! What?

-Ha! Bingo!

-Well, what in the...

Guards, seize them!

Would you... Ow!

[Squeaking]

-Thought I'd just grab
this wheel of Fontinella.

Oh, oopsie! Ho!

[Flames crackling]

[Closing theme music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Screams]

♪♪