Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 9, Episode 18 - Devil Doll - full transcript

THEME SONG: In the
not-too-distant future,

somewhere in time and space,
Mike Nelson and his robot pals

are caught in an
endless chase, pursued

by a woman whose name is
Pearl, an evil gal who

wants to rule the world.

She threw a few things in her
purse, and in a rocket ship,

she hunts them all
across the universe.

I'll get you!

I'll send him cheesy movies,
the worst I can find.

La, la, la.

And he'll have to sit
and watch them all.

And I'll monitor his mind.

Now, keep in mind,
Mike can't control

where the movies begin or end.

He'll try to keep his sanity
with the help of his robot

friends.

Robot roll call.

Cambot, you're on.

Gypsy.

Oh, my stars!

Tom Servo.

Check me out.

Crow!

I'm different.

If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes

and other science facts,
just repeat to yourself,

it's just a show.

I should really just relax.

For Mystery Science
Theater 3000.

-Hi, everyone.

Welcome to the
satellite of love.

Mike Nelson here.

Hey.

Just to bring you up to date,
right now we're above earth,

and it's Roman times.

The only thing I
can't tell you is

why there's a
window on the desk.

-Because it's Friday.

-All right!

-Woo-hoo!

-It is?

-It's Friday at the door, Mike.

So throw the window open, put
the speakers in the window,

and let's par-tay!

Yeah, let's rock!

-I can see this.

A rockin' dorm blowout.

All right.

I-- I don't see any speakers.

-Oh.

Right, there's no
speakers or even a stereo.

-Oh.

-Yeah, well, the party
budget was a little thin,

so I was able to
buy a great window,

but there's no speakers or beer.

-No beer?

-And no wine coolers
either, Crow.

-No wine coolers?

Cripes.

-So we had a party,
budget about which

I knew nothing, by the way.

-Oh, you contributed.

Don't worry.

-Uh-huh.

And all we got was a window?

-Well, but-- but-- but it's
an Anderson window, Mike.

-Well, that just may be--

-Well, it is.

-Well, I know it is.

But that doesn't--

-Double hung, thermal barrier.
-Well, that's great and all--

-You can wash it from
the inside, Mike.

-Really?

Well, that's a nice feature.

-You see, you can't throw a
party with beer and speakers

and a great window for
under $3,500, Mike.

-OK, great.

So we're going to have a
big, rockin' dorm blowout.

-Yeah.

-And what we have
is exactly a window.

-Well, you can have a
party with a window.

Come on, you guys.

Get into it.

[BEATBOX] Energy efficient,
thermal barrier, custom fitted,

wash it from the inside!

-Man, that's a good feature.

-Pretty good, Mike.

-This ain't no muffin.

This ain't no fooling around.

-We'll be right back.

We're partying with our window.

-It's double hung! woo!

-Windows!

-OK, you insist on
music and beer, huh?

Well, I called the guy, and
he'll take the window back,

which he would not have to do.

But if we repack it just
like it came, he will.

But he is not happy.

-Well, I'm sorry.

-OK, I've done the budget.

And if we really
watch expenses, we

should be able to
have a drunken dorm

hootenanny with your precious
beer sometime next year.

For the rest of
today's blowout, I

need you guys to
repack the window.

Woo!

-Yeah, party down.

-Oh, the great goddess
Apearlo is calling.

What's up?

-So you're a god.

-Yep.

Yep.

Excuse me.

Mike, you don't want to be here.

They're throwing this
welcome gods party, and yawn.

When in Rome, apparently you
stand around with your thumb

up you-- anyway, I
really need to figure out

how to liven this thing up.

Let's see.

I know!

Of course.

Hey everybody, toga party!

Toga, toga--

-Why yes, we are
all wearing togas.

-Toga party.

Toga, toga, toga--

-Praise be to the
gods for identifying

that we're wearing togas.

-Yeah.

Toga party.

Toga, toga, toga--

-Most omniscient.

The goddess, she's sloshed.

-Oh, that's right.

You guys don't know
what a toga party is.

You idiots wear
togas all the time.

Brain guy, get over here
and save my bacon again.

-Where'd you get the beer, Mike?

-Oh, it turns out the
nanites have a microbrewery.

-Oh great, so we can
have a seven dorm booze

binge after all.

-You know, the nanites
would have a microbrewery.

-All right.

-Because they're microscopic.

-I got it, Mike.

You seen Crow?

-Oh yeah.

You know, he's getting into
that whole dorm fantasy

thing of his, you know.

-Oh, yeah.

You mean drunk, abusive,
getting all morose about--

CROW (OFFSCREEN): Debby!

-Debby, right.

That's it.

Yeah.

CROW (OFFSCREEN): Debby!

Debby--

[CRASHING]

-Oh, please don't tell me.

Say it was a lamp.

-It was probably just a lamp.

-Debby, I need you baby.

-Crow--

-I can't handle it, Debby.

Debby, I punched a
window for you, baby.

You gotta take me back, Debby.

Debby!

-He punched in my window, Mike.

He carefully unpacked it.

Then he punched it in.

-I did it for Debby.

I'm gonna drive over there.

-No, no.

You stay right here.

You give me your keys
so-- oh, what am I saying?

-Let me go.

I'm driving over there, man.

-No, no, no.

Crow, look.

You don't live in a dorm, OK?

You're not drunk.

And you don't even know
anyone named Debby.

-I don't care.

-Debby!

Let me go, man.

-My window!

[SOBBING]

-Pants party!

All right!

-Why, these are remarkable
and vastly different

from our own apparel.

-Pants!

Pants!

Pants!

Pants!

Pants!

Pants!

Pants!

-Ah, that's better.

Your movie today is pretty
bad, I'm afraid, Mike.

It's called "Devil Doll."

-Ah, Debby.

Debby, baby.

-Say, Crow, do you
ever consider a fantasy

where you're happy
and successful?

-No, I like the Debby
one better, Mike.

[ALERT NOISES]

-Debby!

-Ah, look at that.

Mephistopheles goes uptown.

-Uh, Screw Tape, take
the next left, will you?

-Ah, we had a good time
this weekend, didn't we?

-I must have been really drunk.

-Well, you were a bitch
to my parents yesterday.

-Ah yes, England, the land
of jug-eared, chinless,

stomach eaters.

-Still, they're not French.

You have that going for you.

-Hey, Red Devil pain mascot is
doing all right for himself.

-Well, I'm not
talking till he talks.

-Goodbye, credits.

Thank you.

-I think we just saw
the movie's car chase.

-I'm driving with my mind!

Am I a mod or a rocker?

-It's a British sport
utility vehicle.

-The most depressing
spot in London, sir.

Just as you asked.

-I'm stopping off for a
pint of liver ice cream.

-Eh, we've arrived at the
Knockerhead-Smith residence,

sir.

-Oh, why's he
carrying Al Pacino?

-Oh, so they couldn't
airbrush my zit.

Great.

-Say hello to the
nice poster of us.

Come on.

-Sold out?

Much have run out of
"cancelled" stickers.

[APPLAUSE]

-You know, if not
for rock and roll,

ventriloquy would
have been huge.

-Thank you, halfway houses
and geriatric wards.

Thrill as he doesn't talk
and I don't move my lips.

-Just keep clapping.

He may not get to his act.

-Is he at a drive-in?

-That sucked!

Even I didn't believe
I was talking.

-Whoa!

-Oh.

-Did I see that?

-Well, we took the pipe again.

-Stupid Topo Gigio
was stepping all

over her lines, the bastard.

-Hey, excuse me, sugar.

You know what smoke
does to my finish?

-Well, I'm going to
kennel myself up now.

-(GASPING) Tipper Gore!

-I think our smile
seminar went very well.

-You never win.

You always lose.

-You're Harold Stassen.

-George Stephanopoulos
has really sunk low.

[SIGHING]

-Oh, I guess otherwise he throws
his seeds around on the carpet.

-And you sympathize.

-You and your ear chandeliers.

-Well, I guess maybe
you might want to sleep!

-Oh, Here.

We go.

-Oh, no.

-Oh, Federated Incorporated
Industries, Limited.

-Modern architecture.

Efficient and beauty-free.

-Of all the newsworthy
stories around London,

I gotta get stuck with
the Great Vorelli.

-Leave Robert Denby alone.

-He must be up to something.

-Yeah, well, we'll
soon find out.

You got this expert
on mesmerism all set?

That Dr. Heller?

-Oh, i spoke to him earlier.

He said he'd find his own
way to the theater tonight.

He doesn't want to see you.

He said he couldn't bear to meet
a journalist in the evening.

But, uh, he'll come by the
office tomorrow morning

at 10:30 to give you his
opinion of Mr. Vorelli.

-Shut up.

-A bit independent, isn't he?

Does he know we're paying
him for his services?

-I don't think he's the least
bit interested in the money.

-Ah, these retired
experts-- they

don't care about the
money, so they tell you.

-I'll take a letter,
if you have one in you.

-Well, make a note
so I won't forget

to be available for Mr.
Heller at 10:30 tomorrow.

-Make sure he wears
his pink tights.

-And what else?

How about the girl who's
going to volunteer?

-Does she like me?

-Oh, Mark.

I forgot to tell you.

The one we picked,
she won't do it.

She's afraid.

-Afraid of what?

-She's afraid of Vorelli
doing things to her mind.

-Exotic locations.

-Better get someone else.

-It will be difficult
on such short notice.

[MUMBLING]

-Yeah.

-I'm due for a dimple cleaning.

I wonder if Paul and
Linda got that pot yet.

[YAWNING]

-So how many hours
have rotary phones

added to movies over the years?

-Hello, can I speak
to Marianne, please?

-Are-- are you
still thinking about

whether I can talk to Marianne?

-Hello?

Hello, Marianne?

-Yes or no.

It's a simple question.

-How are you?

Yeah.

Marianne, how would you like
to go to the theater tonight?

-How you all doing tonight?

-Barbara Bush, Jeremy
Irons, and Linda Ronstadt.

-Ladies and gentlemen, I'm
going to suggest to this man

that his life is in danger.

-Then I'll be right back.

-That he may die at any moment.

-Your life is in danger, and
you may die at any moment.

Thank you!

-[INAUDIBLE].

Look into my eyes.

-My life's in danger, isn't it?

-A scotch egg.

Oh no, it's his face.

-Yes.

You told me that
in China, you once

saw a man executed
in the streets.

-The Manchurian Ventriloquist.

-I want you to imagine
that you are in his place.

-Why so negative?

-That you are on your knees.

-Wouldn't it be more fun
to pretend he's a chicken?

-On your knees.

-The Vulcan shoulder meld.

-When does Mr. Lifto come out.

[BARKING]

-You will enjoy Dame Edna.

-You're about to be
executed by a soldier who'll

put a single bullet through
the back of your head.

-So you might as well go
along with my little act.

-You are alone.

You look up and see
the faces of the crowd.

-But I'm alone!

-In moments, they
will move away,

leaving you dead
on the pavement.

-When is he going to
smash watermelons?

-[INAUDIBLE].

See the soldier standing
behind you, his face

grim, his gun ready for firing.

-Should he have really called
this The Wacky Fun Time Revue?

I don't know.

-A moment from death, you
await the sound of a gun,

of the pain of the bullet
crashing into your head.

-My shorts are
really wetting up!

-God's enjoying the show.

-You wait for the
sound of the gun

and the pain of the bullet
smashing into your head!

-Hooray!

More!

-"Free Bird!"

-Now you are Morley Safer.

-Hey.

Hey!

Pay attention.

Come on.

[APPLAUSE]

-We love your cruelty!

-(SINGING) You and I travel to
the beat of a different drum.

-Now, ladies and gentlemen, I
should like another volunteer.

Anyone?

-Ah, blimey, mate.

I'm just a scullery maid.

-Perhaps the young lady
in the seventh row?

Anyone at all.

-If we don't get a
volunteer, you're

all going to have to see my can.

-Go on.

-Mark, I really don't--
I don't think so.

-Come on.

You promised.

-All right.

-You know these princess
[INAUDIBLE] concerts always

suck.

-Yep.

[APPLAUSE]

-No, no.

I just have to
make a phone call.

-You know, if this guy could
juggle, he'd rule England.

-You don't really need pants to
be a volunteer placer, so why

overdress?

-Are you frightened, Miss Horn?

-No, I don't think so.

-Are you, by any chance, a
professional entertainer.

-No, no.

-I didn't think so.

-Neither am I.

-You seem like a very shy girl.

Well, Miss Horn, do you dance?

-Everyone does.

-Ballet?

-Oh no.

Not since a few
lessons as a child.

-I see.

Now, Miss Horn--

-Just what do you
bring to the act?

-Don't be frightened.

Just look into my eyes.

-How many maggots am I gagging?

-Hm, did I leave the iron on?

Hm.

-Do you see any flesh
on my face at all?

-Am I supposed to feel nauseous?

Is that the--

-Oh, just forget it.

I'm going home.

-Ladies and gentlemen,
we have with us

tonight an expert
on modern dancing.

-Would you rather see that?

-He will dance with Miss Horn.

And I guarantee
you that she will

dance as well as the expert.

-I guarantee it.

-Miss Horn, in a few moments,
you'll be hearing some music.

When the music begins,
you will become a dancer.

-But first, Warren Christopher.

[SWING MUSIC]

-(SINGING) Let's go
out to the lobby.

Let's go out to the lobby.

-Yes, she can move as well as
90% of the women in England.

-She's dancing worst than
I've ever seen her dance.

-I think I saw bra.

-I command you to
shake that money-maker.

-She's dancing with a
spitting image puppet.

-Next, an expert in
combing his hair.

-This is my father at a wedding.

-He's using his
incredible powers

to make her do a modest twist.

-I wonder if I have
any real talents.

-Cha, cha, cha.

-The guitar stylings of Mel Bay.

[SCATTING]

-I've seen Baptists who
can dance better than this.

-Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

-I'm going to make her
Mrs. The Great Vorelli.

-Cha, cha, cha!

-He told me he was an
expert in modern dance.

-Well, back to the
concession stand.

Hope you get some pants.

Bye.

-Oh, did we take the pipe.

-Here's the pipe.

You take it.

-You are again
Miss Marianne Horn.

But a magnificent
dancer has been lost.

[APPLAUSE]

-A man who's never eaten
a vegetable in his life.

-Thank you, ladies
and gentlemen.

You're very kind.

-Arthur C. Clarke!

-Magda, if you please.

-What happened to you?

-I don't know.

--Where'd you learn
to dance like that?

-Mark, I don't know.

-But I'd rather not be
sitting on your hand.

-And now, ladies
and gentlemen, I'd

like to introduce my
esteemed collaborator Hugo.

-He's handi-capable.

-Now, to look at
him, you might think

he was just another ordinary
ventriloquist dummy.

-Like me.

-Indeed he is.

-But he has unexpected talents.

-He can sit endlessly for hours.

-Um, you're welcome.

[GRUNTING]

-Well, Hugo, what
are you going to do

to amuse the audience tonight?

-Anything you say,
my dear Vorelli.

[CHUCKLING]

-Yes, that kind of thing.

-Why, what do you mean by that?

-Simply that you are
laughing while I am talking?

-Well, what's wrong with that?

-Oh, it's an old
ventriloquist trick.

They're all doing it now.

It's corny.

-Perhaps we can
show the audience

a variation on a theme.

-Minwax, Hugo?

-Give me some wine.

I want some wine.

-A dummy drinking wine?

-Spodyody?

-Don't be ridiculous.

-I want some.

Give it to me.

I know what wine is.

I've had wine before.

I want some wine.

Why shouldn't I have some wine?

-All I want is my fair share.

All I want is
what's coming to me.

-You are a dummy, Hugo.

[APPLAUSE]

-The puppet haters club
will be right back.

-Is this the worst
show we've ever seen?

-Oh yes, definitely.

Worst.

-It was wonderful, darling.

-Well, was that so corny?

Listen to the audience applaud.

[APPLAUSE]

-Come on.

You're supposed
to applaud again.

-They're not applauding you.

They're applauding me.

Yes, me.

Hugo, the dummy.

-Right, people?

Right?

Huh?

Me?

-Well, if it's for you, you
must go and thank the audience,

mustn't you?

-I'll send a card.

-Go to the footlights
and thank them.

-You're looking live
at the footlights.

-You must obey me.

-Hugo's in the terrible twos.

-Hugo, walk to the footlights.

Like an Egyptian.

-And thank them.

-I think we should talk
about our relationship.

-Just keep smiling.

Don't let it hurt you.

-Eh, he's dying out there.

I'll go and flash a cheek.

-De plane!

De plane!

-Thank you.

-You like me.

You really like me.

-He carries his sawdust
right in his hips.

-Return to your master.

-Return to your mustard?

What does he-- what
does he mean by that?

-Climb up on Daddy.

Are you wet?

[APPLAUSE]

-Would have gone better
if he'd shown his butt.

-Tsk, puppets.

I hate them.

-Hugo!

Hugo!

Hugo!

Butt lady!

Butt lady!

Butt lady!

-And you wanted to see
Dylan at Albert Hall.

-Start the car, Ed.

-Yeah, Vorelli.

I think we should do
"Greater Tuna" together.

-Thanks.

Could I get a cuttlebone?

-He's getting so big.

-Do you know who that girl was?

-The one you were
seducing mentally?

-Miss Horn.

Miss Marianne Horn.

One of the richest
girls in all England.

Her aunt is giving a
charity ball Saturday night.

I think I'll just ring up and
offer my talents for charity.

-I'll offer to park
cars for charity.

-I should get my extra
ear flap removed.

-Yuck.

-Can I sit up there with you?

-Marianne, come to me.

-What did you say?

-Hm?

Nothing.

Why?

-Oh, I-- I thought I
heard you call my name.

-You must be hearing things.

-Snap out of it, you fruitcake.

-You know, I gotta hand
it to that Vorelli.

His act's certainly different.

-Than a good act.

-The dummy is fascinating.

-So is his puppet.

-He frightens me.

He really does seem to
have some unusual powers.

-He should use it in the act.

-Yeah, for once
head office came up

with a good idea
in this Vorelli.

I still think he's a phony,
but he's a damn good one.

-Man, I'm sitting
on a tire iron here.

-Please, little fart.

Stay inside my dress.

-I'd certainly like to get a
chance to examine that dummy.

-So if you could look
away for a minute.

-There-- there, you can help me.

-Oh, can I now?

That's just what you think.

Oh, I've had enough, thank you.

-No.
Come on.

Please.

-Love me now.

-What can I do?

-Well, as your aunt is holding
her annual charity ball,

all you gotta do is go
and see the Great Vorelli

and invite him to come.

-That is exactly
what you would say.

-I know he will.

I saw the way he eyed you when
you walked up on that stage.

-It was great.

-Besides, your
aunt would love it.

You know it.

Give me a chance to get a
good close look at that doll.

-Slowly opened the
door, then run.

-You will invite him
to stay the night.

It's the only way I can
get a chance to examine it.

-Oh, I see your point.

They are great bargains.

-And the more devil dolls you
buy, the greater your savings.

-Oh, that's true, isn't it?

-Hey, Crow.
What's up?

-Oh, hey Mike.

Just making a deal
with this devil.

-OK.

Well, I'm just putting
up some preserves--

-All right.

--if you need me.

-And if you sign up
for our special offer,

you get three doll accessories,
like this wonderful--

-Crow, are you insane?

This is the Devil.

-Well, I'm a devil,
not the Devil.

Name's pitch.

-Oh, get thee behind me.

-Hey, relax, pal.

-Just trying to make
an honest living here.

-Yeah, Mike.

-Crow, how could you make
a deal with the devil?

-How could I not, Mike,
with prices like these?

-That's very funny.

Don't you smell the evil?

-I smell a great bargain.

OK, now.

-Now, Mike, please, as
a personal favor to me,

please take a look at
this beautiful doll.

-And look at these
beautiful prices.

-Plus a 10% discount
on any future

dolls if you sign a
small agreement with us.

Let me just say at this point
that none other than Miss Demi

Moore herself collects dolls
and has found this agreement

to be very much
to her advantage.

-See, Mike?

-She and Bruce have been
friends of our organization

for some time now.

-Really?

Oh, what am i thinking?

Get thee gone, foul demon.

Get thee gone, evil
servant of the man goat.

-Stop it.

You're embarrassing me.

Have you no manners at all?

-Look, i can tell
where I'm not wanted.

Here's my card.

Give me a call sometime when
max von Sydow here isn't around.

-Aw, gee.

You know, you know--
nice going, Mike.

Thanks.
-What?

I just saved your mortal soul.

-But I could have saved a
lot more in my doll budget.

Ah, forget it, I gotta go
meet Marilyn Manson for lunch.

-See?

-What?
What?

It's lunch.

It's not like I'm going to
marry the guy. i mean, gee whiz.

-We'll be right back.

Even one lunch-- I
mean, the guy-- you

know, Satan and everything.

-All the press clippings
on Vorelli, no one's

ever near that doll.

He doesn't let anybody see it or
touch it unless he's using it.

-How about it?

-Help me inspect the dummy.

-Well, you know he's
very attractive.

I might just be
attracted to him.

-Jeez.

-Well, I'll take that chance.

How about it?

-All right.

The things I do for you.

-No.
No, no, no.

I don't mean that.

I won't do that for you.

Yuck.

Icky!

-Wait, watch for the lever.

-I got the-- ow, the
treadle is right in my back.

Ow, ow.

-Oh, the upholstery.

-Meanwhile, at Stifle Joy, Co.

-You know, he's too good.

-Envy.

-That Vorelli is just too good.

He must have some
kind of gimmick.

-It's the work of a
highly trained hypnotist.

The art of hypnosis has
advanced a great deal

since the days of Mesmer.

-How do you account
for that dummy walking?

-Well, I think if you
were to examine the dummy,

you would find it a bag
of mechanical tricks.

-The tension between
Vorelli and that dummy.

It was there.

Everybody felt it.

-Mass hypnosis, Mr. English.

It's as real as
individual hypnosis.

What you saw was a
dramatical production.

I'm telling you--

-Dramatical?

--it was a succession
of theatrical tricks.

-Well, that scene's
going nowhere.

Let's try a new one.

-She's already had a torrid
affair with Jerry Mahoney.

-You really had to
make a commitment

to read posters in
those days, huh?

-Debby Harry in better days.

-Oh, and I suppose
you wear pants.

-You may go in now.

-Thank you.

-And I said to my parents--
(SINGING) is that all there is?

-Roy Clark, cross-dresser.

-I am very pleased that
we meet again, Miss Horn.

-Oh, I didn't even know
if you'd remember me.

-No.

No, I did not forget you.

-Um, would you
mind forgetting me?

-Thank you.

But I came to ask
you for a favor.

-To come to your
aunt's charity ball.

-Yes.

But how did you guess?

-Very prosaic, I'm afraid.

I, uh, read in the
newspaper that your aunt

was giving a charity ball.

-I'm afraid you're right.

-Long article, most
of the front section.

-Why does your assistant
not wear pants?

-Will you join me?

-What is it?

-A wine.

-Man-O-Manischewitz.

-From Sicily.

Rather sweet, but very
good at this hour.

I always have it.

It's called [ITALIAN]--
Blood of the Virgin.

-But I call it Giggle Juice.

-Smell it.

It has a lovely bouquet.

-This is actually Blood of
the Virgin wine spritzer.

-It's rather early for a drink.

-Oh, but this is an occasion.

To the charity ball.

-Look, you're doing a
puppet act at a party.

Relax.

-You mean you will come?

-If you want me.

-Oh, indeed we do.

This is marvelous.

I really didn't expect
that I could walk in, here,

and-- and you'd accept the
invitation, just like that.

-Because the skating
monkey cancelled.

We needed something.

-Oh.

But you do know it's a charity.

Your fee--

-Will be nothing.

-Just a bag of puppet chow.

-My aunt will be so pleased.

I don't know how to thank you.

-I should be delighted.

Oh.

But you-- you haven't
finished your drink.

-Drink the Blood of the Virgin!

Or am I coming on
a little creepy?

Sorry.

-It's rather sweet.

-Oh, sorry.

I gave you the Surge.

-Look into it.

-Virtually spotless.

-So deep and rich
and red and warm.

-There's a bug in it.

-Deep, rich, red--

-It's a blackberry.

--warm.

-Uh, you know what?

Uh, my aunt just called,
and the ball's off.

-Eh, you will come, then?

-If you want me.

-Saturday then.

Um, after your performance
here, we'll send a car.

-Hey look, Rudy
Vallee is the waiter.

(SINGING) I'm just a vagabond,
la-da, la-da-da-da-da--

-Little bit of tap water from
the basement sink, ma'am?

-Come back in 15 seconds.

-Hey, hey.

It's Raoul.

Me and Raoul, we're bodies.

-Aunt Eva, this is
your fourth drink.

-No, dear.

It's my fifth.

-Oh, you delightful,
boozed-up old broad.

The other day, I said the
word "damn." [CHUCKLING].

-Stay right there.

Someone will scoop you up.

-Enjoying yourself, darling?

You're looking lovely.

-Thank you.

-You're not, really.

-Mark.

-Hi.

-Hello.

-Mark, you're
absolutely marvelous.

You're doing
everything beautifully.

You know, we've never
had enough publicity.

Now--

VORELLI (OFFSCREEN): Marianne--

-Oh, no.

I forgot the cheese tray.

-She adores it.

-Don't worry.

I will.

-Oh dear, I must go [INAUDIBLE].

-You know, if not
for alcohol, there'd

be no moisture in
that woman at all.

-Fever for the
flavor of Pringles.

Actual footage.

-Hey.

-Hm?

Oh, nothing.

Daydreaming, I suppose.

-About this great "Are You
Being Served" I saw last night.

-Mark, I don't like it.

-No?

Your aunt loves it.

-She doesn't know what
you're really here for.

-Well, as long as I
get the Vorelli story,

what does it matter?

-Oh, it's just-- I don't know.

I-- I wish I had never seen him.

-Then I let the damn Tosca
have it with my Weatherby.

-Mark, when do I
introduce Mr. Vorelli?

-Right before he goes on.

-It's about time now.

-Oh, dear.

-Check it out, her hair acts
like a smokeless ashtray.

-Come on, don't worry.

Everything will be all right.

-Ladies and gentlemen, we have a
great surprise for you tonight.

-My strip show.

-Now, will everybody at the
back please come forward.

-Into the hot tub.

-Thank you.

And then I'd like you
to form a semicircle.

-Five hours later.

-I have much pleasure
in presenting

the great Vorelli and Hugo.

-It's a dowager convention.

-Well, Hugo, I think you should
sing a song for the audience.

-No.

I'm tired.

-Well, you're in a surly mood.

I'm going to leave you alone.

And when you're ready
to perform, fine.

You've

-Hugo's got a John Agar smile.

-Yes.

-Duh--

-Pasty, pasty, beefy, pasty--

-In the meantime,
if you'll excuse me,

I would like something to eat.

I've just come from the
theater, and I haven't had time.

-I think I'll have
a vodka sandwich.

-Oh, ham.

I love it.

-You cannibal.

-Well, what would you
have to eat, Hugo,

to make you a cannibal?

Sawdust?

-Don't I get anything to eat?

I'm hungry.

-Whoever heard of a
ventriloquist dummy eating?

-My cousin knew a guy.

-I can eat.

I can eat like you can.

You are not the only
one who likes to eat.

-Don't be ridiculous.

-I'm hungry.

I want something to eat.

Now.

-You surely don't expect
me to wait on you.

-Hugo's doing a Jack Benny take.

-No.

But I do want to eat.

-Very well, then.

-Eat my shorts.

-Get up and get it yourself.

-Sorry, ham.

-Help me out here.

Is it me or--

-I'm pregnant.

-OK, everybody thrill as
I get my onion dip, OK?

-You think he likes ham.

Wait till you see me like ham.

-You loogied on the salad.

-Don't drink too much, Hugo.

It might make the sawdust
in your stomach swell.

-But I took a Zantac.

-You're a dummy, Hugo.

A common puppet.

-(SINGING) Smile, though
your heart is breaking.

[SCREAMING]

-Hugo, put down the knife.

-Yeah, I'll put it
down in your thigh.

How about that?

-I said, put it down.

-Look familiar, Mike?

-It may.

Soon.

-You know, you
frightened the ladies.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

-Tell them you're sorry.

-Look, Vorelli, jump
up my wooden butt.

-I am sorry.

-You're all so ugly.

Ha, ha!

-Ladies and gentlemen.

-And me.

-Yeah, what's up, Ron?

Oh, I mean the Great Vorelli.

-I--

-Need changing.

-Yes?

Say it.

-I am sorry.

-Master.

-Look, I don't even want
the damn sandwich anymore,

all right?

-Master.

-So his act is to get up
and bicker with his doll.

-Yeah.

The Margaret Dumont Society
expresses its appreciation.

-And another $6 is
raised for charity.

-He went upstairs
10 minutes ago.

He should be back by now.

If he does come
down, I'm going up.

I've got to have a
look at that dummy.

-Fred Sanford's son?

-Dummy.

-It just isn't possible.

He must have someone inside
it, like a small man or a boy.

That's the only explanation.

Either that, or it's mechanical.

-Darling, it's absolutely
thrilling, perfectly marvelous.

-Oh, the mirabilia--
have you ever

seen anything so
marvelous, Mark?

-No, never.

Excuse me.

Congratulations.

-It would appear I'm
at a major booty call.

-Mr. Vorelli, you
were magnificent.

-Thank you.

-Come on, [ITALIAN].

-[SPEAKING_ITALIAN]

-It's miked like an Altman film.

-I think I should like a drink.

Would you care to join me?

This way.

-Thank you.

-Come on, it's much more
depressing over here.

-What a wonderful performance.

-Yes, I've had him too.

-I tell you, you only rent ham.

-That's the lowest door
knob I've ever seen.

-So she won't let me play
with your new Hot Wheels, huh?

-You know, this guy's lucky.

Hugo rarely gives interviews.

-That's not my call
girl already, is it?

-Bless me, puppet,
for I have sinned.

-Oh, what are you-- what-- oh--
fine, but I have a bad cold.

-What a complexion.

Let me guess, you use
Murphy's Oil Soap, right?

-Hey--

-Wow, wow.

Hey.

Wow.

Vorelli?

Vorelli?

Ow!

[GARGLING]

-Weird, he's got
marshmallow filling.

-When I call, he will come.

-He's talking to his poodle.

-Wherever you are,
you will come.

[BARKING]

-But until I call,
you will be yourself.

-An ugly pup-- oh,
there I go again.

-Your usual, charming self.

I must leave you now, my dear.

-I'm playing some
kid's birthday party.

-Guten nacht.

[GERMAN]

-Ah, German.

The language of love.

-Your holiness.

-I'm going to stop at the
store on the way home tonight.

Do we need milk?

-I just have so
much fun with him.

He knows how to make me laugh.

-Take the ribbon from my hair.

-Even if a client brings
in his vent figure,

we'll have a suit to fit him.

I guarantee it.

-You could park a Humvee
in his chin dimple.

-Don't even tell me you'll call.

I know you won't.

[SIGHING]

-Huh?

Ah-- ah--

-Did I just see someone
walk in and paw my puppet?

-Maybe it should be chicken
drummies instead of ham.

Maybe that would
sell the bit better.

Show that it's funny.

VORELLI (OFFSCREEN): Oh, baby.

-Look, she has
Hasidic wallpaper.

-Oh, look.

She has her bedtime
false eyelashes on.

-(GASPING) I paid too
much for my muffler.

-Oh, I hit the
snooze button again.

I'll be late.

Better get up.

-Marianne.

Marianne.

-Uh, Vorelli, a
room share event.

Could you cut out
the whispering?

-Does she have four breasts?

-That's what I'm counting.

-One, two, three, four.

-Ugh, how many
ventriloquist shows

before I finally
just say enough?

-Mike, you think if I
went away and painted

the entire satellite
and then came back

that I'd miss anything?

-I can't see that that would--

Marianne.

-I want a drink of water.

-Sounds like the aliens
still haven't gotten in touch

with Jodie Foster.

-Boom--

-Marianne, what a surprise.

How are you?

-Uh, sorry.

I just want to know if I
could borrow some contact lens

solution.

-I should warn you,
the name Great Vorelli

doesn't necessarily mean
what you think it might.

-You have come, my Marianne.

You've obeyed me.

But you do not know you're here.

Tomorrow, you will
remember nothing.

-I will remember nothing.

-You know, this paints a
fairly accurate picture

of most ventriloquists, I'd say.

-Mm-hmm.

-Oh, thanks.

I really wanted to
know what kind of soup

you had for dinner.

-You're very
beauitful, my Marianne.

-Thanks.

-You must learn to respond.

Are you afraid of me?

-No.

-Really?

-Then why do you resist me?

You're not strong enough.

My thoughts have already
penetrated your mind.

See, I have only to think.

-Oh, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck.

-No.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

-Look, there's no god.

There's the proof.

Not a single God.

-Yep.

All goodness in the
world just died.

How about that?

-Oh, she really likes me.

Really.

Sure, I hypnotized her a
little to prime the pump,

but I can tell she
really likes me.

-Oh, grandpa's doing
wind sprints again.

-He must have had a mini-donut
surgically implanted

in his chin.

-Kubrick saw this
scene and said,

we found our Heywood Floyd.

-Ugh, didn't I go home with
a vent figure last night?

-Yeah, I thought I'd come
over and paw you for a while.

-(YAWNING) Nightmare, Hugo?

OK, jump in.

-Help me.

Find me in Berlin.

1948.

Find me in Berlin.

-Hugo.

-Do you know what time it is?

Could this please
wait till morning?

-Maybe I shouldn't smoke while
wearing my nicotine patch.

Nah.

-Cartoon camel was right.

These are cool.

-I wonder why I had this
close-up just a minute ago.

I think I liked
it better, though.

Yeah, definitely go
back to the close-up.

-(SINGING) Oh, I've got a
lovely bunch of coconuts.

Here they are standing in a row.

-What's all this, then?

-Ho, ho.

Hello there, Mike, me boy.

-Well, we've gone and set
up a bit of a pub now then,

didn't we?

We'll have one of our
'earty stout ales.

-And traditional
British cuisine.

-Right, Mike.

-Wow, this is great.

You know, there's
nothing I like better

than a British pub and a
good, hearty stout ale.

Don't mind if I do, chap.

-All right, then.

Very good.

[HUMMING]

-Certainly got a lot
of body, doesn't it?

-Wait a minute.

Whoa, there.

Tip the glass there, Mike.

What are you doing?

-Ah, ah.

There we go.

We'll be right
along for you, chap.

Right-o.

They're all the same, then.

A game of snookers
while we wait.

-Oh, ve-- ver-- very good.

And we can have some of
our spotted dick and chips.

-All right, then.

-Really, I just swung
in for a quick beer.

-Yeah, well--

-Do you want a slice of my
beer while we wait, Mike?

-No.

Really, this can't be
much longer, right?

-No, no, no.

-No, no.

-Won't be much longer.

-What's the problem?

-How about a bit of
a singsong, then?

-Very good.

-(SINGING) Nancy,
Nancy, Nancy, whiskey.

Nancy, Nancy, Nancy--

-No, maybe later.

Well, how-- how long do you
think this will take, then?

-Well, good beer takes
a long time, Mike.

-Yeah, that's true.

-The-- the-- the-- I
know what let's do.

-What's that?

-Let's overthrow the
royals whilst we wait.

-Yeah, very good.

Let's go, then.

I-- well, I don't know
how we do that, really.

How about some boiled
mutton and blood

pudding and whipped mad cow?

-Yes, yes, yes.

Right, right.

-No, just the beer.

-Just the beer.

All right, then, chap.

You've had quite enough.

I'm afraid we can't
serve you no more?

-What?

You mean at all.

I didn't get my--

-Oh, that's enough.

Off with you.

I'll call the bobbies.

-Get out.

-Rubbish.

-British bully.

-Can't have his lot sitting
around here all day.

-No, we can't.

-Give the lot of us
a bad name indeed.

-That's right.

Rubbish.

[ALERT]

-Oh, they're going to
start the movie sign.

-All right, then.

-Off we go, then.

-All right, there, mate.

Cheerio.

-Your morning cup, Mr. English.

-Thanks.

-And how was your evening?

-Was it cracking good?

-That dummy talked to me
last night-- came to my room.

-He came to your room?

The dummy?

-That's right.

-Fred Sanford's son?

-And what did he
say to you, Mark?

-Dummy!

-I know this is going to sound
crazy, but he asked for help.

-And some ham.

-He mentioned
Berlin-- Berlin, 1948.

-Uh-huh.

Where are the staples?

-When did you start to have
these nightmares, Mark?

Talk to me all about it.

-It was no nightmare.

I saw and heard that dummy.

It was as real as--

-That face on Mars.

-You can't be serious.

-I am.

[RINGING]

-Hello?

Nut Burger's office.

-Hello?

It's for you, Mark.

-Hi, it's Hugo.

You want to catch
some lunch, pal?

-Hello?

-Oh, hello, Mark.

Mark, Marianne is
not feeling so well.

[MUMBLING]

-Her whole house is in a
shambles after last night.

-Bloody mess.

-I was wondering-- I hoped
you might come out here.

-Well, what's happened?

-You know, Mark, the charity
ball, the preparations,

the excitement--
well, she's upset.

Enough to upset anyone.

-Was she all right?

-Well, Dr. Keisling, our
family doctor's here.

He'd like to have
a word with you.

-It's about time, phone hog.

-Hello?

Mr. English?

-Yes, Doctor?

-Now, there's nothing to be
alarmed about, Mr. English,

but I think it would be best
if you were to see Marianne.

-Oh, what's wrong?

-Oh, nothing serious.

But, uh-- I just think
that you should be here.

-Man, I just
started a cigarette.

-Say about two hours.

-Very well.

I shall look forward
to meeting you.

goodbye.

-Did he say anything about
going to a movie later?

I'm going to get called ID.

-Yes, Miss Havisham
just moved out.

-I'm very glad that you were
able to come so quickly.

-Did he just toot?

-Mm, this is going to
be the baby's room.

-Martin Scorsese is Mr.
French in "The Exorcist."

-Oh Marianne, darling,
please say it'll

be all right if I
have a smoke in here.

-You got one on you?

-Yes.

Yes.

-My favorite band is Yes.

-She seems to be in
a state of semi-coma

with overtones of delirium.

-They're fruity and juicy,
and some hint of blackberry

that I rather like.

-Make him stop, Mark.

-Marianne, darling--

-And I've also contacted
Buffy and Jodi.

-She needs a squeegee.

-Make him stop, Mark.

Mark, make him stop.

-Darling, what is it?

-The big bearded man
keeps looking at me.

-He's calling me, Mark.

Please make it stop.

-Who?

-Bart Simpson.

He keeps calling me.

-Make him stop.

-Let her rest.

Perhaps if she sleeps,
the fever will drop.

-(SOBBING) Oh, make him stop.

-Ooh, that feta salad.

P-U!

Ooh.

-Oh, you did a lot of good.

Thanks for coming in.

Wow.

Well, it couldn't possibly be
that super-creepy hypnotist

that she just met yesterday.

-Man, I'm glad I found
out how high maintenance

she is before I married her.

-A very strange case--

-That dimple on your chin.

-No, thank you.

I was hoping your visit
would have helped.

-Perhaps she's been hypnotized.

-I beg your pardon?

-Vorelli.

-I don't understand.

-I'm sorry, Doctor.

She's been put in a trance
by a professional hypnotist--

a man called Vorelli,
the Great Vorelli.

-Mr. English, in
this day and age?

But how?

For what reason?

Why?

-You said yourself,
[INAUDIBLE] Your very words

were a strange case.

-Well, we still have
to make the tests.

[MUMBLING]

-Possibly some unknown virus.

[IMITATING MUMBLING]

-Do you know Dr.
Heller, the expert

on hypnosis and mesmerism?

-Do you like him?

-I once attended one of his
lectures at the university.

Very interesting theories.

-If you like crap.

-I'd like him to see Marianne.

-Well, of course if
you feel it will help,

I've got no objection.

But in the meanwhile, we'll
carry on with the tests.

-Thank you, Doctor.

-Ever think of
mowing your eyebrows?

-You don't believe a
word I'm saying, do you?

-Well, let us say
that I will keep

what you Americans
call an open mind.

-In other words,
cuckoo [GIBBERISH].

-Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Ron Liebman

for Grecian Formula
Beard and Mustache.

-I just found out
that my behind has

been hanging out for
the last nine years.

-You, um-- you wanted to see me?

-That was a fine exhibition
you put on out there tonight.

-I wasn't feeling well.

-You almost succeeded in
ruining my entire performance.

-I couldn't help it.

I'm not perfect.

-Perhaps the work is becoming
too hard for you, Magda.

You're not as young
as you used to be.

-No.

Not as young as
that little bitch

who shakes her hips at you.

[GASPING]

-Oh, don't talk nonsense.

-Wow.

Strong.

-You went to your house.

Did you have her?

I bet the stupid girl things
she's in love with you now.

-You've always been a fool.

-Nice.

-Well, you did stay out with
her all night, didn't you?

Did she succeed?

-Mr. Limpy.

-Tell me, did she respond?

-Stop worrying.

You worry about nothing.

-You told me it
was just her money.

But you won't fool me again.

Oh, I know that
look in your eyes.

-Money is very important.

-Look, I was with
you when you had

nothing, when I gave
you money to eat.

-Wow.

-You've had it
back with interest.

-Now, if you don't mind, I'm
changing the oil in my hair.

-Oh, if you think that you can
just throw me away like that.

Well, you're wrong.

-You imagine things, Magda.

You must relax.

Be calm, quiet.

-Oh, I know all about you.

[CHUCKLING]

-And if you think you
can get rid of me--

-What?

--just try.

Because then I'll go and see
your passion-thin Marianne Horn

and tell her a few things.

Maybe even better, the police.

-Even better, I'll
tell Liz Smith

that you wear a false beard.

-OK, draw.

-Put your beard on, and
let's get out there.

-And what will you tell her?

That I love you?

-Oh, don't give me that.

-You're a foolish girl.

We're both upset.

I've told you many
times that I loved you.

-You'll say anything.

-And how many times have
I had my arms around you?

-Um, once?

-And now you're
getting tired of it.

-You're a woman.

And very, very beautiful.

-You're no Hugo, but--

-Come.

I think you need a little rest.

-No, I can't.

I-- I have some work to do.

-I have to smallen
my butt cover.

-It will wait.

Come.

-Let's play Magic:
The Gathering.

-I see a bad moon rising.

-Yeah.

-Alice, baby,
you're the greatest.

-Oh, please pull
my drape closed.

Please.

-Oh, that guy's got
an upper back fetish.

Uch.

-Oh, wait.

Your beard is coming
off in my mouth.

-Wait.

-After years of
waiting, you're going

to see the remaining
10% of my butt.

-So does this qualify as getting
lucky for either of them?

-Thank you.

-Oh, I love those kids.

[SNORE]

-Oh, look out.

Scanners!

-Hit the deck!

-Whew.

-Sorry you couldn't
perform, Vorelli.

Yep, pretty frustrating, eh?

Like pushing a rope
uphill, huh, pal?

Yep, especially when you start
out with your disadvantage.

I mean, I mean, I've got
better equipment than him.

I'm smooth.

Sorry.

-Hugo, she said you were ugly.

-Oh, here we go again.

-Well, I better go.

She just wanted me to
tell you you were ugly.

-You know what,
why don't I write

that down to help you remember?

Uh, OK.

You're ugly.

-Oh.

-(SIGHING) Life is good.

-Ow, ow, oh, ow.

Oh.

Ah, I can finally get
under my fingernails.

Great.

-So she just said ugly--
flat-out ugly, huh?

-Hugo, were you shaving
your legs with this again?

-I accept your mumbly
paid challenge, Vorelli.

-Give me $5, or I'll
kill my index finger.

-Wow, are you done yet?

[SNORING]

-I call it Still Life
with Shelley Winters.

-Eh, she's having
a wonderful dream

of owning her very
own set of pants.

-Oh, Vorelli's soiled laundry.

Thank you.

Thanks, movies.

-No one has ever escaped
from the pet carrier.

-(SIGHING) You know, the worst
thing is he won't buy me a Game

Boy.

-You know, she's
sleeping with Vorelli,

Edgar Bergen, and Sam Giancana.

-Wow.

-Oh, time hiccup.

-Uh, I'm sorry.

Can we start this scene over?

I don't think you
can see my face?

Oh, never mind.

-Dead puppet walking.

-He looks like
Alfalfa E. Neuman.

-Honey, are you asleep?

Hey, honey, have you
seen the varnish?

-Mortimer Snerd in
"Fatal Attraction."

-Huh?

What?

What the hell?

-What is--

-The China [INAUDIBLE].

So what's Vorelli's
alibi going to be?

The puppet did it?

-Oh, he's such a big boy, he can
use the bathroom all by himself

now.

-Anyone want a paper?

I have papers if you-- well,
you probably don't want one.

-And somewhere, a man goes
to a job, pretty much.

-And his smoking day begins.

-Good morning, Mr. English.

We finally got through
to Mr. [INAUDIBLE].

-Never mind that.

Get me Bob Garrett on the phone
in Berlin-- the elusive Mr.

Garrett.

Try his hotel.

If I know him, that's
where he'll be.

-Hey, Mark.

What's with the dawn patrol?

Say, how's the
action in England?

-That is a meat-based face.

-Limey broads, man.

-Oh, what?

-Limey broads, what else?

-Never mind that.

I got a job for you.

-A what?

Look, man, I'm sweating
my guts out here.

I'm at the typewriter
right now, working

like hell on the
Berlin Wall article.

-Oh, Peggy Fleming, no.

-Hold on a minute.

Honey, let me have
the pad and pencil.

-Thank you, woman who would
never touch me in real life.

-Thank you.

OK, Mark.

Fill me in.

Fill me in.

-A magician.

A hypnotist by the name
of the Great Vorelli.

He used to work in Berlin.

I want you to find
out everything.

Repeat-- everything
available on him.

I want you to go way
back, as far back as 1947.

I want to know who he
is, where he came from,

and who he worked with.

Check the police files, the
hospitals, birth records,

and the theater.

You got that?

-Slow down, Mark boy.

Slow down.

How do you spell that?

V-O-R-E-double L-I. Vorelli.

OK.

-Now get your tail out
of bed, and get to work.

-Wilco, wilco.

Stay cool, and all that jazz.

Hey, how did you
know I was in bed?

-It figures, boy.

It figures.

Call me the moment
you get something, OK?

So long, Bobby.

-OK, you.

-Is the slumber
party over, Hank?

Or--

-Vorelli's assistant
was found dead.

Listen to this.

Miss Cardinas was last seen
alive by Carla Santi, the stage

dresser, at 7:45 last night.

[HUMMING]

-He returned to awaken
her for the evening

performance at 8:10.

He found her dead.

-Uh-huh.

-Mr. Jack Walton, the
manager of the theater

has stated that Mr.
Vorelli was in his office.

-Really?

-He was talking with a British
customs official concerning

passport and clearance papers
for a pending trip to Spain.

-Oh, I know.

-The customs official
have verified

Mr. Walton's statements.

They were interrupted by
shouts from Carla Santi,

who had just found the body.

-No.

-Now, here's the gem.

Listen.

Mr. Vorelli said,
quote, the poor girl

had not an enemy in the world.

A most shocking crime.

I hope the police will
persevere, find the murderer,

and see that justice is done.

I will miss her
very much indeed.

-Can I get off early?

-The Great Vorelli,
with an airtight alibi.

You know what I think?

-I don't care.

-I think he killed her.

Somehow he killed her.

-I'm out of Liquid Paper.

-Let's see what Bob
Garrett digs up in Berlin.

-Later, on the set
of Dark Shadows--

-So you never liked
the way I kiss?

-No, no.
Not a bit.

Still and all, chin up.

-Why am I not smoking right now?

[GASPING]

-Oh, man.

-Well, nothing we've
done so far has helped.

-The new drug from America seems
to have a tranquilizing effect.

Now, there's something.

-Mr. Vorelli called again today.

He seemed very concerned
about Marianne.

-Paper's faulty.

-Yes, he called regularly.

Very nice chap.

-Doctor, I think you should
come up and see Miss Horn.

She's still delirious.

-I was afraid of that.

-Oh, like it's my fault.

-She needs a poultice and
I'll balance her humours,

and she'll be fine.

-Nurse, I died yesterday.

Do you have any advice?

-We're here to comfort you.

-(STIRRING) I'm up.

I'm up.

Jeez.

-Another injection, nurse.

One half cc.

-Of what?

-She's in pon farr.

-Now, just a little
tiny sponge bath.

There.

-Sure, I get it already.

I inject it.

I make $2 an hour, and you
make a kajillion dollars.

-This is the famous
scene where they

improvise all the dialogue.

-Oh!

Oh, oh.

-Why is he injecting
apple sauce into her?

-Well, the bathroom's
open, if anyone needs it.

Is she dead yet?

Oh.

-Phone call for you, Mark.

Your office.

How is she?

-God, I don't know.

What the-- God, why
are you asking me?

God, I hate you.

-I really deserved that.

-Ah, it really helps
her a whole lot

when old guys come
in and look at her.

-Hello, Luisa.

Yeah, what is it?

-Cigarette shipment?

How many pallets?

-He's on to something?

What does that mean?

-Cram it where?

-Is that all he told you?

-Well, I didn't need to
hear that part of it.

-Luisa, get me a ticket on
the next plane to Berlin.

Call Garrett and have him
meet me at the airport.

Have him reserve me
a room at the Hilton.

-No, a non-smoking room.

Tsk.

-No, I don't know how
long I'll be there.

-A John Grisham film?

-Hey, a Julie Kavner doll.

-Yes.

Yes.

Yes, it's coming now.

[KNOCKING]

-I'll bet somebody sent
me a birthday clown.

-Hi, this OK for a funeral?

-Rhea Perlman?

-Oh, Grace.

-That's what I'm not
living in a state of.

-Grace, you look very pretty.

-We now switch live to Leer Cam.

-Yeah, hi.

I'm here too.

-You think you know the
routine well enough?

-Yeah, I come in
and show my butt.

-Yes, sir.

-Poor Magda.

I shall miss her in many ways.

You will go on in
her place tonight.

-In many ways.

-Uh, you may go now, Grace.

-I shall try not to
disappoint you, Mr. Vorelli.

-I'm sure you won't, my dear.

-I gotta go.

I'm a welder by day.

-Ah, the puppet cashes in
his frequent flyer miles.

[HUMMING]

-And Northwest stops to pick up
more surly flight attendants.

-You know, before they
had bathrooms on planes,

they used to have to stop
any time anyone wanted to go?

-Wow.

-Really?

-This is your captain.

Just to be safe,
we're going to take

the freeway the
rest of the flight.

-Sieg heil!

Oh.

Oh, wait.

That's over, isn't it?

-It's about 20
minutes to my place.

I'm sure the audience
won't mind coming along.

-Well, when do we start?

-Relax, Mark.

Relax.

[GROANING]

-I'll tell you all about it.

In 1927, Vorelli was just
breaking into Vaudeville.

But before that,
he was a doctor.

-A doctor?

-The way I get it,
after he got his degree,

he refused to practice.

He became a fanatic on the
mysteries of the East--

even went out there to study.

-Where?

-Egypt, India, Burma.

And we suspect an entire
year with the Lamas in Tibet,

always studying the same thing.

-Bowling.

-Hypnosis?

-No, not exactly.

It's more like he
believed that you

could separate
man from his soul.

It's really hard
to pin down, Mark.

-What about the Vaudeville act?

-In December, '47, he was kicked
out of the Medical Society.

-I call beef roast.

-I haven't had a chance to
check up on the reasons yet,

but anyway, he was kicked out.

The next anybody
saw of him is when

he showed up in Vaudeville.

He had this act with
a boy and girl--

hypnotism and all that jazz.

He'd put them under,
and they'd do things.

One of the tricks
Vorelli did was

to stick a dagger into the boy.

Through a friend of mine, I've
been able to locate the woman.

That's where I'm taking you now.

-The rare happy German.

-I think you might be
from the American police,

looking for something.

-We are not from the police.

-We're here for a
gamers' convention.

-What is it, then, you want?

-I want to know what happened in
1948, when you worked with him.

There was an accident,
wasn't there?

-Hm, yeah.

-He wet them, yes.

-And he would not listen to me.

-Your partner, a
boy, part of the act.

-Oh, yes.

Hugo.

-We called him Steve.

-Hugo?

-Tell us about it.

-It would be better to pfft--

-Yeah.

--cut Vorelli's throat, hm?

-Want to hit a beer garden?

This is going nowhere.

-It was a long time ago.

I was younger.

-The thrill of war
was still all around.

-Vorelli hired
Hugo Novik and me.

[HUMMING]

-We had an act, Hugo
and I-- dancers.

-Bunch of [INAUDIBLE].

-We didn't need the
money, but we were happy.

Vorelli said we would make more.

OK.

-Yes, go on.

-Did I stop?

-Vorelli would hypnotize us.

-Yes, go on.

-Make us do things.

-Yes, go on.

-But offstage--

-Go on.

--we were ourselves.

-Yes, go on.

-But then--

-Go on.

-Hugo changed.

-Go on.

-Vorelli become his master.

-Oh, my.

-Then he got the dummy.

-Like this one I
just had dry cleaned.

[CHOKING]

-Whoa, thank you.

-Ah, it was a three-week trip.

You might want to clean out
the bottom of this thing.

-So is anyone gonna
offer me some ham?

-He joined the Time/Life
Dummy of the Month Club.

-Oh, it looks like Hugo.

-Mm, no.

Not really.

-Yes, it could resemble me.

-But it doesn't.

-Get your hand off my butt.

-It will be.

It will be.

-Does this bug you?

I'm not touching you.

-Oh, trails, man.

-Steve, would you lighten
up for even just 10 minutes?

-I'll just sit here all night,
until one of you reads my palm.

-Smell my hand.

-Dah, we were just talking.

We were talking.

-Get out.

Don't come back
until I call for you.

-Sounds like a good idea.

-Oh, neat-o.

-Ooh.

-So how long does
this usually take?

-Ah, it depends
on the resistance

it gets from your
higher self, the quality

of your eternal spirit,
that kind of thing.

-Oh!

-Whoa-ho, there we go.

-Hey, cool.

-Servo, your soul was
remarkably easy to transfer.

-Was it?

-Hey, thanks, Pitch.

I think I'm going to
enjoy this new skill.

-Just one of many perks of being
one of our valued customers.

-That's great.

-Hey, Crow.

What's up?

-Hey, Mike.

Just toying with
Servo's eternal soul.

Pitch is showing me how.

-OK, well, I'm just drying
some fruit if you need me.

-OK.

-So now, can he transfer
my soul into anything?

-Sure.

-Dah, Crow?

-What?

-You called the Devil back?

-A devil, Mr. Nervous Nellie.

-And now you're tinkering
with Servo's soul.

How?

-It's fun, Mike.
You want to try?

Come on.
-No.

-Could you transfer my soul
into a toaster strudel?

-Sure.

-You know, Crow, I
think you're in league

with the Kingdom of Darkness.

-Why, because I do a little
measly soul transference?

-Come on, make me
a toaster strudel.

That'll be cool.

Come on.

-You've been making
those pentagrams

and salt in your room.

-What?

What?
Really.

-And now you call this
guy back, and you're

tinkering with souls and stuff.

-Mike, if I could
just toss in a--

-No, you can't say anything.

You, get out of here.

-Dah--

-Mike, Mike--

-Pitch, Pitch, I'm sorry.

I'll call you.

-I guess I'll have to
do it myself, then.

-OK.

-You know, OK, putting aside
the whole thing of, you know,

devils and darkness
and all that,

putting that aside, why
even do soul transference?

-It should be obvious.

Just to become more powerful
in the service of the master

so that I may deliver more
souls unto his dark realm.

-But that--

-What?

What?

-Now, see, that's not good.

-You know, I can't listen to
your silly paranoia all day,

Mike.

I have to go pick up
a goat carcass, OK?

What?

What?

I mean, I just can't do
anything right with you.

[CHIMES]

-That's a little dark
is all I'm saying.

-Ching!

Ta-da!

Hey, get me.

I'm cinnamon apple swirl.

Heh, heh.

Hello?

Come on, bite me.

I'm a toaster strudel.

But caution, my filling may
be hot. [CHUCKLING] Hello?

Well, we'll be right back.

Hello?

Hello?

-You will not believe this.

-It's weird you'd be like this.

-I saw.

-Am I Arthur Treacher?

I forget.

-One night, we come
into the dressing room--

-And put a whoopie
cushion under my seat.

-It is a dress rehearsal.

-Oh, Servo.

You're gonna--

-Like, taking the soul of Hugo.

-And put it right
in the crapper.

-Giving it to the dummy.

-The dome-y?

Dome-y?

-I tell you, I saw.

-I believe you, Mercedes.

-Then you are the first.

And I am not alone.

There is another who knows.

-Mm, Pall Malls.

-Well, go on.

What happened next?

-I told you, Vorelli
would hypnotize us,

make me do foolish things.

He made Hugo lift
incredible weights,

stick a dagger into him
here, to his breast.

Then, one night--

-He leaned forward.

-This time, Hugo,
you're going to die.

-At that point, there
were some warning signs.

-Boy, you could see the
raw talent even back then.

-Yeah, no kidding.

-Now, we have a Hugo
in the oven already.

Let's see how that's doing.

-Uh, what did I forget?

Oh yeah.

Kill him.

That's it.

Kill him.

-See, that?

That there is why men
shouldn't wear leggings.

-Ooh, yeah.

-He is my slave.

He will feel nothing.

-So it's OK if I kill him.

-That is the power of hypnotism.

-Look, you guys,
I'm from next door.

Could you keep it down?

-Oh, jeez.

I can't follow up on that.

I'm dead.

-[INAUDIBLE], again.

And Snuff Cabaret is born.

-Hugo, the other white meat.

-Ladies and gentlemen,
Siegfried and Geen.

-Oh, crap.

Now I'm going to have to juggle.

-Never before had he felt it.

But this time-- every
time, many times before,

Hugo does nothing.

-Like me.

-This time, Hugo
felt the blood come.

-A little hard to believe.

-Tell your own story then.

-Nobody believes.

The police, nobody.

-Hang on.

I'll see what's taking
our salad so long.

-Hans, come here.

-Your pantyhose are dry.

-They would not
believe Hans either.

-Oh, and I'm sorry my
living room is so cramped.

-Do you want me, Mercedes?

-Hans, here he is.

He will tell you.

These are reporters.

They want to know about Vorelli.

-Hey, Hans.

-Tell them.

-Go on.

-Tell them about the dummy.

-Hans.

-Well, there is much I can say.

I was a cleaner at the time.

I was not even on the
stage when it happened.

-I was in Austria.

-I was in Vorelli's room.

Everybody was out, so I
could clean up the room.

I did not see, but I heard.

When the dagger
plunged into Hugo--

[GROANING]

--I saw the puppet.

-I was much cuter
then, by the way.

-[INAUDIBLE].

Then the police.

-Oh, Hans.

-Confusion.

The hearing.

-Did you both testify
at the hearing?

-Yeah, they asked questions.

I tell them.

They laugh, call me crazy.

[IMITATING]

-What was the verdict?

-He willingly took the risk.

Accident.

He lived for three months after
the accident in a hospital,

like a vegetable.

He did not move
for three months.

Just laid there and
looked at the ceiling.

Then he died.

He died.

-Did he live?

-Gentlemen, I don't
want to push you out,

but Mercedes has some
business to attend to.

Customers come here, you know.

-Oh, no.

-So if you would,
perhaps you would give us

100 marks for the information.

We lose more than
that in time already.

-Pay him.

Bobby, take me right
back to that airport.

-Well, I'll see you later.

-E. M. Forster's
Room with a Wig.

-Dog's got my hand.

Ow. [INAUDIBLE].

-Not So Red Hot Nurses.

-Well, she didn't
finish her stewed tripe

and her curdled pork butt, but--

-We have a permit to film
in the hallway, and damn it,

we're going to use it.

-Thank you for the home
schooling and card tricks,

Vorelli.

-Perhaps you shouldn't
stay too long, I think.

-Of course.

I understand.

-Well, you're her evil nemesis.

But-- but have fun, you kids.

-Now, for a [INAUDIBLE].

-Ow, my other hand.

Let go.

Ow.

Jeez.

-Darling, I'm in a
wonderful mood today.

-Oh, you gave me the soul
of that dog, didn't you?

-I skipped and sang
all the way over here.

-You will tell your
aunt and uncle--

-Hi for me.

--that you love me.

-I love you.

I love you.

-And you will tell Mark that
you're going to marry me.

-Mark, you're
going to marry him.

-I'm going to marry you.

-Oh.

-I must go now, but when
I call you, you will come.

Remember, when I call--

-When I call--

-You will come.

Marianne.

-You know, it's really
just a darker version

of those dentists that put
people under, then grope them.

-Yeah, them.

-Last mime at school after
it's let out for the summer.

-It's Chrissy Hynde.

-Well, time to bury the dog.

-Well, the skunk cabbage
is coming up good.

Mm, the crabgrass
couldn't look better.

Oh, and these stinking
corpse flowers are beautiful.

-(HUMMING) Hell of
a mass this morning.

[HUMMING]

-Hey, I'm bored.

Got any games?

Parcheesi, monopoly, or--

-Oh, hi boat anchor.

I mean, uh, honey.

-Hello.

-Hi.

How are you?

-It's good to see you.

-You're looking much better.

-Thank you.

The doctor took
me off the drugs.

Mark, I-- I've got
to talk to you.

-Hm?

-Hugo and I are engaged.

-I'm going away with Vorelli.

I'm in love with him.

-You're what?

-I'm in love with him.

-Look familiar, Mike?

Girls leaving you
for ventriloquists?

-I'm sorry, Mark.

How can I explain?

It happened the
night he stayed here.

I-- I just don't
know what to say.

-First Robert
Denby, and now you.

-Well, I have some
muffins in the oven.

-Well, I'm going to
go get a cheesy accent

and crepe beard and make
her fall in love with me.

-Well, that was easy.

It was fun, in fact.

-Hey, look up there.

He flies Aunt Bea airlines.

-(FALSETTO) We'll be flying at
a cruising altitude of 30,000

feet.

We may experience
some turbulence.

Oh, Andy.

-Hey Vorelli, I had this
corner all feng shuied.

-Uh, Vorelli?

Did you wear my yellow sweater?

Because I found
it all pitted out.

Just-- just don't
wear my stuff, OK?

-Maybe it's my new
girlfriend or something,

but I feel great these days.

I just want to sing.

-Those pictures,
where'd they come from?

Has be been in show
business since 1830?

-Well, Hugo, tonight
we fly to Spain.

And there, the very wealthy and
beautiful Miss Marianne Horn

will become my bride.

-I want you to be my best man.

-Delicious thought.

-We'll give our last performance
tonight and be on our way.

All four of us-- you,
Hugo, my bride to be,

and my ugly little wooden lady.

-Hey, I like your mom.

-And then, after a few months,
when my transfer is complete,

my beautiful young wife will
die, leaving me all her money

and you an ugly little
wooden companion.

[CHUCKLING]

-But then, you're
ugly too, aren't you?

-Well, I think I do all
right with what I have.

-(SINGING) It's quarter to 3:00,
no one in the place but you

and rummy me.

-Could I have the same again?

-Make it a Samuel Stockbottom,
double wheat cranberry lambic?

Thanks.

-Hey, look on the
window back there.

It says midgets.

What is that a menu item?

-As long as they're boiled
and come with chips, sure.

-Hey, could you flip on
Monday Night Cricket, please?

-I lost my girlfriend, got
in a fight with cigarettes.

Man, I miss those cigarettes.

-Ah, the bloody fool.

[INAUDIBLE] to do a lot
of unnecessary expense

for an article about a
charlatan-- a third-rate phony.

-Uh, sir, we were in this booth.

-The only woman I ever cared
about falls in love with him.

If they don't fire
me after this fiasco,

they're as crazy as I am.

-In fact, I'll
just do it myself.

Me, you're fired.

-Sleep, my Marianne.

Deep--

-Purple.

-Deep--

-Cleaning.

-Sleep.

-It was.

Sheesh.

-(SNIFFING) It--
it is me, isn't it?

Oh, yuck.

-Do you, Cathy Cathy,
take Hugo to be

your lawfully wedded doll,
to Pledge and behold,

to Finish and to Endust?

-Oh, Mike.

-Boss, can you at
least change the paper

before you put her in here?

-You'll wake, my
lovely Marianne,

after the performance tonight.

Hugo--

-Yo?

-You must behave when we
give out last performance.

You've been getting out
of control much too often.

-You've been eating way
too much ham lately.

-You've been in your
little wooden body so long,

you've become an
individual again.

-Yeah, look at me.

I'm a real threat to you.

-No, it's much better over here.

-I think I must teach
you a little lesson.

-I'm going to
teach you to fetch.

-You're free to go.

Here's a little suit
and a little $100 bill.

[KNOCKING]

-People for the Ethical
Treatment of Puppets?

Hello?

-I am disciplining my puppet.

-Ah, dear Grace.

-Attica!

Attica!

-I thought you wanted me now.

-Not now, dear.

I have a few things to
clear up with the manager

before I leave.

I shall come to your room.

-Don't be long.

-As soon as I'm
through with him.

-I've just got to get something
out of the hamper here,

if you don't mind.

Ah, there you go.

Thanks.

-Hugo.

I'm your master.

Get back in your cage,
or I will destroy you.

[SCREAMING]

-Oh, for the love of--

-This has to be stressful, but
Hugo's more chipper than ever.

-He looks like Burgess
Meredith all of a sudden.

-Aha!

It's a wooden chair,
and all finished

wooden products are my brother,
and they will protect me.

-Thomas Peter Vorelli,
you be nice to your toys.

-OK, OK.

You are going to get it so--
oh, you son of a-- come here.

Come here.

-You know, you guys,
I just remembered,

I gave a devil doll
to my niece once.

-Uh-oh.

-This is going to make
tonight's show pretty tense.

-Don't ask me.

-You see, Vorelli?

I'm pretty strong.

I've been doing
push-ups in my cage.

Ha, ha.

I don't even have a trachea.

-(SINGING) Memories light
the corners of my mind.

Misty--

-Kennel, Hugo.

Kennel.

-I've got to get that
training collar for him.

-And ladies and gentlemen,
that is our story.

A cautionary tale
to be sure, but--

-Hm.

So is he being Martinized?

-No, I think it's the
shroud of Vorelli.

-What the-- you know,
where did that come from?

I mean, what was that about?

-Next time I'm just
gonna lease a dummy.

It's such a headache to own.

-Beanie babies don't
get this kind of power.

-I'm sweaty because I
was choking a puppet.

No.

No, wait--

-Don't be alarmed, Mr. English.

Vorelli is now a wooden doll.

-Actually, I just
left my hat in here.

-I am his master.

The tables are turned.

You need have no
fear for Marianne.

She is sleeping peacefully.

When I wake her, she
will be her normal self.

-What?

-Mr. English, get
me out of here.

I am the Great Vorelli.

He can't do this to me.

Please.

-Really ironic, huh?

-Mr. English, don't
let him do it.

-Don't you think?

-I'll do anything you say.

Get me out of here.

I'll do anything you say.

Please.

I am the--

-Great Vorelli.

-Great Vorelli.

-Great Vorelli, right.

-On the other hand, it's
kind of a cute, little body.

You know, just comb its hair.

-Hugo the dummy was
arraigned in Superior Court,

county of Los Angeles.

In a moment, the
results of that trial.

-You know, I gotta
admit, this really

does cut into my deep
love of ventriloquy.

-Why don't you give
us "ham" moment?

-Oh, you're an ugly little
dummy, aren't you, Mike-o?

An ugly, smelly, horrible little
dummy, stuffed with sawdust.

A dummy who will never
have ham-- certainly

not unless he gets it himself.

A dummy who will
never drink wine.

Yes, a horrible, smelly, ugly--

-Crow?

--stupid--

-Crow, what's-- what's going on?

Why am I in a cage?

Why am I dressed like Hugo?

-Not only can't
you have ham, you

can't have any luncheon meats.

Not bologna or Feringa.

Not even cotto salami.

Why?

Because luncheon meats make
the sawdust in your stomach

explode.

-Crow.

-What?

What?

-Now, this is really too much.

I fall asleep so you
build a cage around me,

and then you dress me up
as Hugo the devil doll,

and you whisper odd,
irrelevant taunts at me?

-What?

What is wrong with that?

Mike, I feel like I
can't do anything today,

and you are all over me.

Boy.

-(HUMMING) Well, now that
my soul's in this toaster

strudel--

-Say!

--and I've got
these killer gams,

I'm ready to be your
leggy assistant.

-Oh.

No.

No, look at this.

Look.

-What?

Boy Mike, you know,
what is wrong with that?

You can't be serious.

-A-Pearl-o, take me away.

-You know, it is your problem
at this point, Nelson, not mine.

Good luck.

-I'm gonna be physically ill.

-Oh, like you got any right
to belly-ache, Smell-son.

I had to watch some idiot
mad god get eaten by a lion

and put up with this
Etruscan windbag here.

-Citizens, as you may
notice, I'm wearing pants.

Thanks to the gods.

I'd like to thank you
all for coming here

to Lesser God Day
at the Colosseum.

Now, before our mad goth
doth his enemies vanquish,

I think it both meet and
right that we recognize

a few faces in the crowd.

Vulcan, thank you for gracing
us with your presence.

Ah, Vulcan.

Vulcan.

And why don't you
stand up, Bacchus?

Bacchus, the god of wine.

OK, OK.

And now some new faces
to the lesser god crowd.

I bring you A-Pearl-o, the
goddess of-- what are you

goddess of?

-I'm the goddess of quit
yapping and get on with it.

-Ah, the goddess of brevity.

A-Pearl-o.

And Brain Guy-us, the god of--

-What?

What?

-What are you god of?

-What, what, what?

-God of what?

-What god?

What are you talking about?

-God, god, what god of?

-Oh, I don't know.

Use your imagination.

-The god.

Brain Guy-us, the god.

And now, release the lions and
bring on our beloved mad god.

[TRUMPETS]

MAD GOD (OFFSCREEN):
Ah, you want some, lion?

Huh?

Take that.

Oh, and how about you, buddy?

[ROARING]

-Oh, my brain.

MAD GOD (OFFSCREEN):
Oh, yellow, huh?

Well, actually, you are.

But take that.

[ROARING]

MAD GOD (OFFSCREEN): I'm
gonna be wearing you inside

of five minutes.

Arr!

Ah, you'll be "lion"
in your grave, buddy.

-Those glasses.

-That smell.

-That red butt.

-It's Bobo!

[MUSIC PLAYING]