Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 8, Episode 2 - The Brute Man - full transcript
Mike and the robots are subjected to a horrible creeper movie for their experiment preceded by a short about chicken farming. In between the movie segments, Servo decides to try out being a landlord to a duplex only to find out that yes, people actually are used to running water in Pennsylvania. He also decides to see how chickens are born by being incubated inside a giant egg only to be shattered by Mike. Later, Mike tries to call an ex-girlfriend to get him and the robots down until Servo interrupts the call to check in with his real estate agent. Then, inspired by the guy in the movie who looks kind of like Thomas Dewey, Crow tries to sing "The Crimes Of Tom Dewey," which only confuses Mike and Tom. Meanwhile, down in Deep 13, Pearl Forrester goes out on a date with Sandy, a pompous egotistic swinger whom Clayton despises on sight. When their date comes to a close, Clayton turns Sandy into the Chicken of Tomorrow.
♫ In the not too distant future
♫ Way down in Deep 13
♫ The evil Dr. Forrester
was hatching a nasty scheme
♫ He hired a chap by the name of Mike
♫ Just a regular Joe he didn't like
♫ His experiment needed a good test case
♫ So he conked him on the noggin
♫ And he shot him into space
- [Mike] Get me down!
♫ I'll send him cheesy movies
♫ The worst I can find
♫ La la la
♫ He'll have to sit and watch them all
♫ And I'll monitor his mind
♫ La la la
♫ Now keep in mind Mike can't control
♫ When the movies begin or end
♫ La la la
♫ He'll try to keep his sanity
♫ With the help of his robot friends
(gears grinding)
♫ Robot Robo Cambot
♫ Gypsy
♫ Tom Servo
♫ Croooow!
♫ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes
♫ And other science facts
♫ La la la
♫ Just repeat to yourself it's just a show
♫ I should really just relax
- Did I tell you my mother's here?
♫ Oh a Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♫
(guitar strumming)
(doors closing)
(bolts clanking)
(beeping)
(door sliding)
(liquid dripping)
(chains clinking)
(door slamming)
(metal scraping)
(door shutting)
- Uh-huh, uh-huh, well that's
great, Sheri, let's do it!
Uh, points, hose any good?
Well, sure, I'll take a few, why not?
Okay, I'll hold.
- Hi, guys, what's up?
- Well, Servo's buying a duplex
in Philadelphia.
It's a real drive-by cutie.
- Wow, that's a terrific idea.
I'll tell you why, because
you can take party,
wait a minute, how?
- That's easy, Mike.
Turns out you can purchase
one of these beauties
with no cash.
- With no cash?
- Uh-huh, it's called
the "no cash method".
- Old-world charm galore.
- That's great, Tom, but
just a cursory glance at this
shows me you're gonna
be losing $2000 a month.
- Oodles of curb appeal.
- It's a paper loss, Mike, try to relax.
I write it off my income.
- You don't have any income.
- So, income average.
Geez, you'd be doing this
too, if you had any cojones.
- Such a drive-by cutie.
- You're going to prison for sure.
We'll be right back.
- [Tom] Oh, Sheri's back.
Sheri, good, let's lock it.
- You're a cutie, you are.
You're a drive-by cutie, yes you are.
- Cojones?
(synth pop music)
- Locked into a 30-year fix,
then I signed the papers,
and boom, not only an I a homeowner,
I'm actually making money in the deal.
- Can you reach it?
- I got it.
- Whoa, whoa, there's your smell.
- Yeah.
- [Mother] And don't you
dare kill this boyfriend
like you did the last one, Clayton.
- Yes, Mother.
Hi, guys.
Mom has a date tonight.
(doorbell rings)
- [Mother] Clayton, be a dear, get that?
- Sure.
There's nothing else I need to do.
I'm your personal slave, that's probably
why you had me.
(doorbell rings)
It's open!
(door squeaking)
- Hi!
- Uh, hi.
Mom, that guy is here.
- I'm Sandy.
You must be Pearl's boy.
What are you doing?
- I'm sewing the head
of a piglet onto a fish.
(blowing nose)
- Oh, yeah, hobbies are great.
I do model trains.
- Yeah, I'm sure you do, excuse me.
- You're mother is one fine woman, Clay.
Just between you and me, I wouldn't be
expecting her home tonight.
- Mother?
- Hi, Sandy.
- Pearl, you are looking...
(grunts)
- Well, it looks like
you two have had a chance
to get to know each other.
Okay, listen up, people.
Mother is going out with
her friend, Sandy, tonight,
so, Art, you're in charge.
(gasps)
- Crow!
- Come on!
- [Gypsy] No way!
- Sure, Pearl, now you
have yourself a good time
and don't worry about a thing.
(scoffing)
- Man, man.
- So, what Art says, goes, people,
and that means you, too, Clayton.
- Okay, you big babies,
here are the rules.
Go to bed now and don't get up
or I'll put your hands
in the garbage disposal.
(screaming)
Shut up, kid!
- Look, Crow, there's no way.
I'm bigger than you
and I'm older than you.
There's no way you're my babysitter!
- Just for that, you wash my feet.
- Crow.
- [Crow] Shut up.
- Crow.
- [Crow] Shut up!
- Crow.
- [Crow] Shut up!
- Crow.
- [Crow] Go to bed!
- Crow.
- You shall live.
- Thank you.
- Shut up!
- Bye-bye, sweetie. (smooching)
I'll be back whenever I feel like it
and there's no number
where you can reach me.
Chow!
- Poom!
- Oh, Mother, no!
Oh, well, he's not the first oily man
that's taken Mom to the mat.
Your experiment this week
is a Rondo Hatton vehicle
called "Brute Man", and
there's also a short.
- Aren't you supposed to be in bed by now?
Get back into bed!
Would you stop, would you stop?
(alarm buzzing)
What have you kids done?
What have you done, you stupid kids!
(door opening)
(metal scraping)
(slamming)
(chains clinking)
(door sliding)
(beeping)
(bolts clanking)
(creaking)
(old orchestral music)
(grunting)
- [Mike] Backwards jackass company.
- The Bill Clinton story!
(laughing)
- [Tom] The Chicken of Tomorrow
in a deadly battle against
the chicken of today.
(old orchestral music)
(clucking)
(slapping)
- [Mike] I'm off, wait, there.
- [Crow] Tempo.
(old orchestral music)
(clucking)
- Dedicated to the chickens
who lost their lives
in the great chicken war.
(old orchestral music)
- [Mike] Wait a minute, men and women
breeding better poultry?
What kind of sick
experiment is going on here?
- [Tom] You know, this
music helps chickens breed.
Kind of like the Luther
Vandross of chickens.
(laughing)
(clucking)
- [Mike] Chickens are dining in front
of a Susan Rothstein mural.
(laughing)
- [Voiceover] After all these
years, whether the chicken
or the egg came first,
is still the subject
of a lot of good-natured debate.
- [Tom] No, it isn't.
- [Voiceover] But one thing
there's no argument about,
chickens and eggs are the
most widely-grown farm product
in the country.
There's not a single
county in the United States
that doesn't raise them.
(growling and munching)
- [Tom] Daddy, must you sit in dinner?
- [Voiceover] In recent
years, this poultry business
has become a big money maker for farmers,
$3 billion a year.
That's second only to dairying
and beef cattle raising.
- [Crow] Woohoo, we're going on a trip!
Hey, where we going?
Woohoo!
- [Tom] Chickens are shipped
to the set of Oklahoma.
(bright orchestra music)
- [Mike] I think the fellow in
white really likes us, Susan.
(squawking)
(bright orchestral music)
- [Voiceover] Just to give
you an idea of the size
of this poultry business, Americans eat
140 million eggs a day.
- [Crow] Oh!
That's one for every man,
woman, and child in the nation.
- These are your chickens on drugs.
- [Voiceover] Chickens, well,
the per capita consumption
is 25 pounds a year.
That means just about
everybody must eat chicken
at least once a week.
Yes, indeed, chickens and
eggs are a big business.
- [Mike] Come on, that tickles.
- [Voiceover] And like big business,
there's a serious effort
to improve the product.
- [Crow] We're removing meal worms.
- [Voiceover] A three-year
program to breed a better chicken
is now being carried on.
- [Tom] Fellow poultrymen,
our cherished freedoms
are threatened from all sides.
- I don't think I've got what it takes
to be the chicken of tomorrow.
- [Mike] I'd like to be
the Chicken of Tomorrow,
but how can I be more the man of today?
- [Voiceover] And on large
and small farms everywhere,
the search for a better chicken goes on.
- [Crow] There it is, wait, no, there!
- [Voiceover] Come
along with us on a visit
to one of the large breeding farms
and see how the old-time barnyard flock
has grown up.
- [Mike] If you're nice, we'll hook you up
to the milking machine.
- [Voiceover] Of course,
they have to be hatched
before they can grow up.
So, let's start at the
beginning, in the incubator.
- [Mike] I'm in the incubator, now.
- [Voiceover] Good chicks
come from good eggs.
- [Crow] Thank you, young man.
- [Voiceover] Fertile eggs
from hens with a pedigree.
- [Crow] Oh, pardon me.
- [Voiceover] The pedigree's
important, because in the
search for a better chicken,
it's breeding that counts.
- [Mike] Hey, can I go to the bathroom?
- [Tom] No, stay in there!
- [Mike] Oh, come on, can I go home?
- [Tom] No, the door's locked.
(bright orchestra music)
- [Crow] I've seen the
episode where the eggs
come too fast and she starts
putting them in her mouth!
(laughing)
- [Mike] Some eggs are sent to solitary.
- [Voiceover] It's a far
cry from the warm breast
of a broody hen to a modern incubator,
but actually the conditions
are very much the same.
The temperature is held at
99 degrees to approximate
the body heat of the hen.
- [Crow] And this fellow.
- [Voiceover] And a forced draft gives
plenty of ventilation.
This one unit holds 85,000 eggs.
- [Tom] And one bathroom for all them.
(laughing)
- [Voiceover] Did you
ever notice the old hen
turning the eggs over
occasionally as she sets?
- [Crow] Oh yeah, who hasn't?
- [Voiceover] Here, the same
thing is done automatically.
- [Tom] Ride the wild mouse.
- [Voiceover] And now we'l wait 21 days
for things to happen.
- [Crow] Oh, you can't
wait for things to happen,
young man, you've got to make them happen!
- [Voiceover] But thanks to
some very special photography
we can see what's happening.
- [Mike] Oh, this is
gonna be hot, hot, hot.
- [Voiceover] By the end of the third day,
the embryo in the egg has begun to form.
- [Tom] Flock, calling all sons.
- [Crow] Hey, I'm trying to sleep in here.
- [Voiceover] Another
three days, and the heart
has started to beat.
- [Mike] Say, can I have a bigger egg?
- [Tom] That is one bloodshot eye.
- [Mike] Wow.
- [Voiceover] After 10 days, you can see
the chick itself beginning to take shape.
- [Crow] Oh, wait, that's my silly putty.
(mysterious orchestral music)
- [Voiceover] A few
more days and that mass
has some resemblance to a baby chick.
- [Mike] If you kind of squint.
- [Crow] I'll dry eye.
(hiccuping)
(giggling)
- [Voiceover] And finally,
the fully-developed chick
is ready to start
breaking out of its shell.
- [Tom] Sticks of dynamite
are arranged carefully
around the perimeter.
- [Voiceover] At this stage, Mother Nature
gives it a sharp spike
on the end of its beak,
sharp enough to poke a
hole through the shell.
Little by little, the chick works its way
around the shell.
- [Mike] Hold it, I'll be out in a minute.
It'll just take a little
longer than I thought.
- Come on down and meet everybody.
(laughing)
- [Voiceover] Finally the end of the shell
is weakened enough so the
chick can push it out.
- [Tom] Yeah, right, you push it out.
Geez, this is hard.
(grunting)
- [Mike] I hate it when people tape
their own deliveries.
- [Tom] Aren't there supposed
to be pantyhose in there?
- [Mike] Wait, I'm coming, I'm not done.
Ow.
(grunting)
- [Voiceover] And after
a lot of struggling
it tumbles out, exhausted, but free.
- Oh, oh, oh, what did I do last night?
- [Voiceover] It'll rest
now for several hours
and then get up on shaky
legs and begin to live.
- [Mike] For a few
weeks, only to be eaten.
- [Voiceover] Full-time poultrymen
who have been in the
business for many years
say they still get a mighty kick out of
the miracle of the birth of a baby chick.
- [Tom] Hey guys, it's God.
- [Voiceover] The ratio
of pullets and cockerels
among chicks is about 50/50.
- Great, what are those?
- [Voiceover] Of course, you
may order straight run chicks.
Then again, you may order all pullets.
- [Mike] Life is great, it stretches
out in front of me like an eternity.
- [Voiceover] Sexing the
chicks, or separating
the male from the females is
a highly-specialized trade.
- [Tom] Yeah, for pervs.
Whoa, Milton Merl, there.
(laughs)
- [Voiceover] Called for
long experience and training,
but the experts seldom miss.
They can't afford to miss,
because when you order pullets,
you want all pullets, not
a few cockerels mixed in.
- [Mike] Hey, why are we screeching?
(chirping)
- [Crow] Garage sale.
Goodwill.
Save for the kids.
(bright orchestra music)
- [Mike] It's nice, you know it's small,
the walls are neutral.
- [Tom] Oh, hi, Cindy, I'm
so glad I'm in your group.
This is gonna be the fun group.
(chirping)
- [Crow] 40-piece chicken nuggets to go.
- [Voiceover] "But wait a
minute.", you may be saying.
- [Crow] Why am I watching this?
- [Voiceover] Can those
chicks, just out of the shell,
be sent, without food, on trips of a day,
two days, even three?
- [Tom] You bet.
- [Voiceover] Indeed they can.
Nature thought about that, too.
The baby chick has within its little body
enough unabsorbed yoke, to
nourish it for 72 hours,
three days and nights of travel,
with each chick carrying its own lunch.
- [Mike] Then they turn on each other.
- [Voiceover] Nevertheless,
speed is essential
and it's here that the motortruck
plays such a big part in poultry raising.
- I said speed is essential!
- [Voiceover] In fact, the
industry couldn't exist
as it does today without
motor transportation
and the petroleum industry that supplies
the quality fuel and lubricants that make
this high-speed transportation possible.
- [Tom] The unholy
alliance between big oil
and big chickens.
- [Mike] That guy's escaping
disguised as a chicken.
- [Crow] Chickens!
- [Voiceover] But to get
back to our baby chicks.
- [Mike] I'm full.
- [Voiceover] This made a
cute picture, but it's really
not the scientific way to handle chicks.
- [Mike] How many are you sitting on?
- I've been a little nuts this Easter.
- [Voiceover] Their immediate
destination after leaving
the incubator is the brooder house.
- [Mike] Designed by Frank Lloyd Wright.
- [Voiceover] Here a stove is needed
to keep the temperature
up around 95 degrees
for the first week.
Almost any kind of stove will do,
one of those most common
being a kerosene stove.
- Here I come!
- [Tom] Oh, they mingle, get
to know each other a little.
- [Voiceover] The circular
guard is to keep the chicks
near the heat and prevent floor drafts.
- [Tom] There are concerts at the gazebo.
- [Voiceover] For a few days, the litter
should be covered with
paper, so the chicks
don't eat it.
They need plenty of food
and lots and lots of water.
- Individual counseling is provided.
- [Voiceover] From now
on, their main job in life
is to eat and grow.
- [Crow] Eat and grow forever.
- [Voiceover] After the
first few days, the paper
can be removed.
- [Crow] Except for the sports section.
- [Voiceover] Floor should
be covered with litter
to keep the floor warm
and absorb the droppings.
Peat moss, fine-cut straw,
peanut shells, brown corncobs
or anything that will pack rather closely
is good for litter.
- [Crow] Cigarette butts, hair, beer cans.
(upbeat synth pop music)
- [Voiceover] After the chicks
are two or three weeks old,
they can be allowed out of doors,
if the weather's good.
- [Tom] And if they've
completed their lessons.
- [Voiceover] At from eight to 10 weeks,
the pullets being reared
for egg production
are ready to be transferred
from the brooder house
to the range.
- And you know what that means.
(laughing)
- [Voiceover] Range life
is good for chickens.
- Huh, what, what?
- [Mike] What's going on?
- [Tom] What, really, no, you?
- [Voiceover] Range shelter
should be fairly small
holding not more than 100 birds.
- [Tom] Or migrant workers.
- [Voiceover] The shelter
protects them from the sun,
and gives them a safe place to roost
out of the way of rodents.
- Rodents?
- [Tom] Rodents?
(yelling)
- [Mike] Get out, go, go!
- [Voiceover] Proper
diet and plenty of water
are required.
- [Tom] Heavens, I'm so fat, I just look
at chicken feed and I gain weight.
(laughs)
- Does this taste funny to you?
- [Voiceover] A good grass sod is a must
to give the birds an abundant supply
of fresh, tender leaves.
- [Mike] A selection of
ciders and spring water
should be kept on hand.
- [Crow] Normandy.
- [Voiceover] Rain
shelters ought to be spaced
about 75 to 100 feet apart, so then hens
won't go wondering off to
gossip with other flocks.
You know how chickens are.
- [Tom] Yeah, they own
everything, bastards.
- [Voiceover] Oh, it's
a fine life, this life
on the range, but like all good things
it must come to an end.
- [Tom] Time to die.
- [Voiceover] And when they
are about six months old
the pullets are ready to
move to the laying house
to fulfill one of their
main functions in life.
- [Crow] I can't, I've
got a tiny headache.
- [Voiceover] Remember the old hen house?
- [Tom] The one with the rats.
- [Voiceover] It's now
a hotel, a pullet hotel.
- [Tom] Rooms by the hour.
- [Voiceover] Every room
with an outside exposure.
- [Crow] Joey "The Cockscomb" Tortelli.
Ricky "The Bathroom" Shah Vitello.
Jimmy "Crazy Cock" Cuccini.
- [Voiceover] Or if you
prefer the bungalow-type,
we've got that too,
400 feet of it.
All together, room for
thousands of guests.
- [Mike] Or chickens, typically.
- [Voiceover] Seriously,
housing your chickens
is important, whether they're
egg or meat producers,
they aught to have three or
four square feet per bird,
depending on the breed.
- [Crow] Open your hymnals to number 325.
- [Voiceover] They got
to have roosts, too,
but they huddle pretty close together
and two or three birds can
perch on one foot of space.
- [Tom] Everybody, soylent
green is made from chickens!
- [Voiceover] One of the
most important advances
every made in poultry
raising is the trapnest.
The bird can enter the
next easily to lay her egg,
but she can't get out again,
until you let her out.
- [Tom] There's not
point, it's just funny.
- [Voiceover] This simple
device permits you to know
which birds lay which eggs,
and to keep a record of
each hen's egg production.
- [Crow] Which seems
excessively anal-retentive.
- [Voiceover] The whole secret
of profitable chicken raising
is to make them produce
more than they cost to feed.
- [Tom] You think I can wear
these pants out tonight?
- [Voiceover] A hen that
lays 210 eggs a year
and eats 70 pounds of feed, is giving you
three eggs for every pound you feed her.
- [Mike] She will live.
- [Voiceover] Keep that one.
- [Crow] She's worth millions.
- [Voiceover] But if she
eats 70 pounds of feed
and only lays 70 eggs a year,
you better send her to the market
or to your dinner table.
- [Crow] Or put a
warning slip on her desk.
- [Voiceover] And it's
the trapnest that lets you
keep record of how well
each hen is laying.
- [Mike] I'll have an egg
tomorrow, man, I swear.
- [Voiceover] It's men
like this, too, that help
in developing the chicken of tomorrow.
- [Tom] There, go have little fun.
- [Voiceover] You can't
take it for granted
that every hen is earning her keep,
even though laying an egg aught to be easy
for any chicken.
- [Voiceover] That's
what you think, big boy.
- [Crow] That was weird.
- [Mike] Yeah.
- [Voiceover] Well, anyhow,
the trapnest's the answer
to discovering which are the lazy hens,
and this is a good place to point out
a few facts about eggs.
- [Mike] Stop throwing them at my car.
- [Voiceover] The temperature
of an egg when laid
is over 100 degrees.
- [Tom] Oh it's true.
- [Voiceover] Every minute
it's left in a hot nest
in a hot hen house takes
away some of its moisture
and freshness.
- [Crow] So put your
mouth under a chicken.
- [Voiceover] Gather your eggs often,
three or four times a day.
- [Crow] Makes sure to put
them all in one basket.
(bright orchestra music)
- [Voiceover] And they'll
cool out twice as fast
in a wire basket, as in a pail.
- [Tom] These are headed
for the driving range.
- [Voiceover] Clean eggs
bring a better price
than dirty ones and when
you gather them often,
they don't get a chance to get dirty.
- [Tom] Unless filthy
Fred, there, collects them.
- [Voiceover] The secret
of profitable eggs
is to cool them quickly
and keep them cool.
- [Tom] Yeah, I'm cool, baby.
- [Voiceover] And keep them clean.
- [Crow] Lick your eggs or
have a friend lick them.
(laughing)
- [Voiceover] When
you've got as many birds
to look after as this hatchery
your pretty receptive
to labor-saving devices.
- [Tom] Like wagons.
- [Voiceover] And this carrier
system is one of the best.
It runs the length of the building
and is used to carry feed
to the different pens.
It can be used also for
gathering up manure.
Saves a lot of back-breaking work.
- [Tom] Hey, pal, feed me,
then clean up my poops.
- [Crow] There's your appetizers.
I'll be back to get your
drink orders, Ladies.
- [Voiceover] Another labor saver is
the automatic watering trough.
It makes certain there
is always fresh water
for the birds to drink.
- [Mike] We're all wearing Rembrandt hats.
- [Voiceover] Still anther handy gadget
is this grading machine.
- [Crow] Grading!
- [Voiceover] You feed the eggs in
and the machine separates them by weight.
- [Tom] Uh, that one's clean, Roy.
- [Mike] Eggs are complicated.
They should cost like $100 each.
- [Voiceover] The first group will average
24 ounces to the dozen, which
is the most profitable size.
The next, 23 and a half ounces.
The next, 23 and so on.
- [Tom] Some eggs don't even exist.
- [Mike] So you can see why
egg farming is so fascinating.
- [Voiceover] Besides
being a good egg-layer,
the chicken of tomorrow will be
an improved meat producer.
- [Mike] It's Goofus and Gallant.
- [Voiceover] Here's an
example of the progress
that's been made already.
- [Crow] This could be a drumstick.
This is the number to call.
- [Voiceover] Notice how
breeding has increased
the amount of meat on the breast.
- [Tom] Hey, hey, hey, Fat Albert.
- [Voiceover] Look at that drumstick.
- [Crow] Full of salmonella.
- [Voiceover] This bird was fattened
in the same length of time
and on the same amount
of feed as the other one.
Make your own guess as to which
is the more profitable to raise.
- [Tom] Aren't chickens
with good self-esteem
equally important?
- [Voiceover] And when
the chicken of tomorrow
gets to the dinner table, its advantages
are still more apparent.
- [Mike] These chickens
were smoking in bed.
- [Crow] May I have a piece
of my own white meat, please?
- [Tom] Oh, thanks for
the generous helping.
Geez.
- [Mike] Uh, Dad, if you
could carve a little faster
I'm kind of hungry.
(grand orchestral music)
- [Crow] Yes, chicken sliced to the width
of one electron.
- [Tom] We must be in
models portions, here.
- [Mike] Miss Moss, and
for you, Miss Taylor.
- [Crow] Yes, it's chicken,
glorious American chicken sliced
the American way.
- [Mike] Carry it in your wallet.
- [Voiceover] But it's your
pocketbook that profits most
when you send this bird to market.
- [Mike] We bring you now to market.
- [Voiceover] A unique
method of marketing chickens
and eggs that's grown in popularity
in recent years is the aucition.
- [Tom] Such as here, at Sutheby's.
- [Voiceover] The first
one is said to have been
the Hunterdon County at
Flemington, New Jersey.
- [Mike] Oh, that's an urban myth.
- [Voiceover] But the idea has spread
to all parts of the country.
- [Crow] The chicken shortage of 1937.
- [Voiceover] The farmers
bring their crates of eggs
to market the day before the auction.
- [Tom] Alternatively,
they may bring their eggs
early the day of the auction.
- [Voiceover] On auction
day, the buyers gather
to purchase eggs and poultry at prices
opening arrived at.
- [Auctioneer] Bid two, two.
Two over there, two's the bid.
It's amazing.
- [Mike] You're adorable.
- 17 a quarter and a half.
It's 17 and a half.
(yelling)
- [Mike] Ross Perot or something.
- Three quarters the bid.
Two, twos the bid, now two and a quarter.
- [Tom] He's drunk.
- Here, 17's the bid!
(speaking gibberish)
(clapping)
- One and a half, one and a half, $1.75.
- [Tom] Get your hand up.
Buy a chicken.
- [Mike] I don't want one.
- [Voiceover] And after the
eggs and poultry are sold
once again the motortruck
plays its big role.
- [Crow] Alright, come on, sing, sing.
Row, row, row, you're not singing!
- [Voiceover] Hundreds of
live chickens can be speeded
on their way to the dressing plant.
- [Crow] The dressing
plant, sounds like fun.
- [Tom] I want a new hat.
(brassy orchestral music)
- [Voiceover] One truck can
handle thousands of eggs
and take them anywhere there's a market.
- [Mike] Even to the Texaco station.
- [Voiceover] Speed and
flexibility, that's what
the industry must have
in it's transportation.
- [Tom] You?
- [Voiceover] And that's
exactly what the motortruck,
fueled and lubricated with
quality petroleum products, offers.
(snoring)
- [Crow] Buddy, buddy, wake up.
Hey, buddy.
- [Voiceover] Ask any
poultryman and he'll tell you
that the industry could not
flourish as it's doing today
without the efficient fleets of trucks
that whisk baby chicks to waiting farmers.
- [Tom] To be killed.
- [Voiceover] Rush
chickens to the grocer's
and butcher's shelves.
- [Tom] To be killed.
- [Voiceover] And speed fresh eggs
to your breakfast table.
- [Mike] Did America
really need to be sold
on the automotive industry at this point?
- [Crow] There's no driver.
The chickens are taking over!
Woohoo.
(squawking)
(old orchestral music)
(creaking)
(bolts clanking)
(beeping)
(engine whirring)
(door sliding)
(chains clinking)
(door slamming)
(metal scraping)
(door closes)
- Should I be sitting astride you
with my warm and nurturing
hindquarters or anything?
- [Tom] No, no, I'm just fine.
- How-de-do, Crow.
Hey have you seen Tom around anywhere?
- [Tom] Hello, Mike,
I'm in here!
(laughing)
- Hey, Tom, how are you
doing, you okay in there?
- [Tom] Oh, more than
okay, Mike, I'm floating
in a sea of warm nutrients and I'm all set
to begin my 21 day gestation period.
I want to experience the
miracle of chicken birth, Mike.
- Yeah, plus, there's a huge market
for them egg-hatching movies.
So we got Cambot filming the whole thing.
- [Tom] Yep, yep.
- Yeah, that's, that's great.
You know, it really is
beautiful, too, Tom,
but I wish you'd told me
about it before you did this.
- [Tom] Really, why?
- Well, you're the only one that, hello?
- [Tom] Yeah, go on with your story.
- Well, I was gonna say,
three weeks without you,
you're the only one I
depend on for any kind
of urbane conversation.
- [Tom] Well, I understand, Mike,
but it's too late now.
Just put me in a warm place,
soak me in some enzymes.
- No, you know what, I
gotta get you out of there.
I can't live without you.
- [Tom] No, no, Mike, Mike,
I'm not ready to hatch yet.
I'm not fully formed, Mike!
- [Crow] Mike, be careful!
Be careful!
- [Tom] Ahhh!
(splashing)
- Oh.
- [Crow] Oh, uhh.
- What a mess.
(coughing and grunting)
We'll be right back.
- I'll go get a whole
bunch of paper towels.
- Alright, alright.
- [Tom] Oh boy.
(synth pop music)
(old orchestral music)
- [Mike] Hey, what's
this movie called, man?
- [Tom] It's call "The Brute Man".
- [Crow] Et tu, Brute Man?
(giggling)
- [Mike] Hey, man.
I'm being followed by a brute shadow.
(ominous orchestra music)
- [Tom] Randy Breuer as
Rondo Hatton as the brute.
- [Crow] Oh, working up a Rondo thirst.
(laughing)
- [Mike] Oh, he's in Mummenschanz.
- [Crow] Rondo, we're just
doing the credits, here,
could you just, Rondo?
- [Tom] He's reminiscent of a tall dwarf.
- [Mike] He hasn't done
anything brutish at all so far.
- [Tom] Yeah.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Crow] Mom, I want the
light on in the hall.
(ominous orchestral music)
- Attention, all cars.
- [Tom] That's a lot of cars.
- Attention, all cars, general alarm.
- [Tom] Kill your owners.
- [Announcer] Car 22,
go to 733 Spring Avenue.
It's a 341.
That is all.
- Car 22, we'll go.
- [Crow] Screw it, let's
go to the skyway lounge.
- 341.
- Yeah, the man says "murder".
- [Tom] I may have to
use my large face on him.
(alarm blaring)
- [Mike] Take our word
for it, a police car.
(engine roaring)
- [Tom] Ah, festive decorative lighting
adorns the downtown.
- [Crow] I gotta pass some Rondo.
- [Tom] Seems kind of bleak so far.
- [Crow] Everybody talk,
me, can't here words, say.
Pete Sampras.
(laughing)
- [Tom] Oh, imagine this
movie in a drive-in.
- [Mike] Hey, it's not a
tuition, it's a cover charge.
(laughing)
- [Crow] Hey, does anybody know
where the victory dance is?
- [Tom] Boing, boing, boing, boing.
- [Crow] I can't stop.
- [Tom] Boing, boing, boing, boing.
- [Crow] I am drawn to dance.
- [Tom] One and a two, and three, and one,
and left, and shift.
- [Mike] Boy, him and his college buddies
went bobbing for anvils.
(laughing)
- [Tom] I gotta get me some crab puffs.
- [Mike] Hey, one of
the long riders is here.
- [Crow] Uh, do you have our biogrades?
(laughing)
- [Tom] Ah, forget it,
looks like there's a wait.
- [Mike] Ah, see it's college.
- [Tom] Collegiate.
- [Crow] Boy, those no brute man laws
are really starting to pinch.
(footsteps)
- [Tom] Well, you just can't get enough
of Rondo walking, can you?
(footsteps)
- [Mike] Ah, he headed
straight to Thelma Lou's house.
- [Tom] Doing alright for his himself.
Nice colonial with an assumable.
(crowd talking loudly)
- [Crow] I did not bring any Everclear
to pour into wapatui.
- [Joan] Marvelous day.
- Thanks, Joan, just like old times.
- Yes, the old crowd and everything.
- And good old Hank is
still on the winning side.
- Don't forget we're
having lunch tomorrow.
- Oh, yes, 1 o'clock at the Carlton.
I'll be there.
- Right.
- Good night.
- [Girls] Good night!
- I'm so glad you came.
(car engine revving)
You come back soon.
Good night.
- [Crow] Oh, I don't need
any help, by the way,
I just gotta go scrape pate off everything
in the house, you pigs.
- [Mike] Bye.
- [Brute Man] Joan, do you have my pencil?
- Who is it?
- It's me.
- [Tom] Satchmo.
- Hal Moffat.
- Hal Moffat?
- [Mike] She's laced up
tighter than a catcher's mitt.
(footsteps)
- Hello, Joan.
- [Crow] What do you know, just got back
from the Broadway show.
Ta-da.
- You're not Hal Moffat.
- Yes.
- [Tom] You didn't sit on a tuffet.
- [Crow] Objects on my face may appear
closer than they really are.
- No, stay away from me!
- [Hal] I won't hurt you.
- No, no stay away!
(screaming)
- [Crow] Lift up, where belong.
Oh, I get it, no I don't.
- [Mike] Well, should be room
at the restaurant by now.
- [Tom] Chiropractor on rampage.
- [Mike] Professor
Cushman was laid to rest
in a tiny, battery-powered car.
- [Tom] Hello, this thing on?
Can you hear me, hello?
(engines roaring)
- [Crow] Be on the lookout for Rondo,
he's slightly carbonated so
you can slam him down fast.
- Attention, all cars, district 17.
All cars, district 17.
The 341 suspect mentioned
in broadcast number nine.
- [Crow] You'll recall.
- Is reported surrounded
in Woodelle Street.
700 block, move in.
- [Tom] Today's lunch menu.
- [Crow] This brute man sounds horrible.
Where can I hide?
Oh, wait, I am brute man.
(sirens wailing)
- [Mike] Cornered myself and no one's even
chasing me.
- [Tom] Exit, stage left, even.
- [Crow] The sound of a siren beckon men
from the sea.
(laughing)
- [Mike] It's not that.
- [Tom] It's a different sort of girl.
- [Mike] Tippy, tippy-tippy toe.
- [Crow] I just have a very
strong feeling he's here,
can you trust my instincts
for a minute, please?
- [Tom] If this were a planet where apes
evolved from men, this
is how you'd probably
get in your house.
(crowd talking)
- Now, keep everybody back.
- Alright, everybody back!
- [Crow] Well, I could have done that.
- [Officer] Alright, let's get back there.
- [Tom] Oh, the end is near.
So I face the final curtain.
(sorrowful piano music)
- [Crow] Boy, this mall
didn't work did it?
- [Tom] Late for my lesson.
I'll be right there, Mrs. Glasser,
the police are after me.
(sorrowful piano music)
(talking and footsteps)
- [Tom] Don't look up.
Do not attempt to look up.
(sorrowful piano music)
- [Crow] Ludwig?
- [Mike] Ella Absog is here.
(humming)
(sorrowful piano music)
- [Crow] Is that ham I smell?
- [Tom] Kind of chilly.
I think I'll shut this window.
- [Crow] Is this the
best use of man power?
(sorrowful piano music)
- [Mike] You wanna hold
that fermata a little longer
in the left hand, there.
- [Tom] Great, he's in
Van Cliburn's apartment.
(sorrowful piano music)
- [Crow] He looks like
an Easter Island statue.
- [Mike] I'm gonna take a nap, so if you
could keep it down out there.
- [Tom] Honey, we really
need to get a duplicate key.
(laughing)
- [Mike] You need a
bigger place, you know,
brute's trying to work on
his play, she's in there.
- [Crow] Women are drawn to me.
I still got it.
(footsteps)
- Who is it?
- [Crow] It's the plumber.
I've come to fix the sink.
- Don't turn on the light.
- [Tom] You should be Barry White.
- Who are you?
What do you want?
- [Brute Man] Keep quiet.
- If you're a burglar, I'm afraid
there isn't much here for you to steal.
- [Mike] I'll see if I can find something.
(footsteps)
- I'm not a burglar.
- [Tom] I'm a hot dog.
- Then what do you want?
- [Tom] Sounded like a burglar.
- You're not afraid of me?
- Well, I'm a little nervous, I guess,
but why should I be afraid of you?
(banging)
- There they are.
- Who?
- [Crow] Clog dancers.
- Some men.
- Are you in trouble?
- Yes, there after me.
(knocking)
- [Mike] He's in here.
- Go into the bedroom.
- [Tom] Wow.
- Do as I say.
- [Crow] Yes, ma'am, order me around.
- [Mike] While I escape
to the right apartment.
(door shuts)
(knocking)
- Just a minute.
(door opens)
- [Crow] Go into the bedroom.
- Yes?
- Have you seen a man around here?
- Why, no I haven't see anyone.
- Take a look in there.
- [Tom] Oh this is so legal.
- [Mike] She is too
much woman for me, man.
(door opens)
(creaking)
(light switch clunking)
- [Crow] Alright, show's over.
Nothing for me to see here, I'll just be
about my business, then, thank you.
- There's no one in there.
- You sure you haven't seen anybody?
- Yes, I'm sure.
(guns shooting)
- [Man] There he goes!
- [Another Man] Over there!
- Come on.
- [Tom] Jerry Lee Lewis moved in upstairs.
(laughing)
- [Mike] Amazing I haven't
spoken to another human
for years and now this.
(door closes)
(men shouting)
- [Crow] Oh, right in the store.
(men shouting)
- [Tom] Let's see, where was I?
Oh, oh,
holy night,
the stars.
- [Crow] The typewriter's
making weird noises.
- [Tom] Everybody says he looks like me.
(upbeat synth pop music)
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Tom] Gotta snag me
some Jimmy hats, pronto.
- [Crow] Just drop off my prescription.
- [Mike] He's one of those weird guys
who hangs around on a college scene
long after he graduates.
- [Crow] Yeah, sad.
- [Tom] Welcome back to 1910.
- [Voiceover] A woman was
murdered in the same way
as the other four victims.
Authorities have issued
a warning to all citizens
to be on the lookout for this fiend.
- [Crow] Do, be.
- [Voiceover] As far as the police know,
he only appears at night.
He's a large, heavyset man usually wearing
a black coat and hat.
Descriptions of the
creeper have been submitted
to headquarters, but these
vary to such an extent
that it's hard to give an accurate picture
of the man's face.
- [Mike] Oh, come on, what'd the twins do?
- [Voiceover] Last seen, he
was on the tenement rooftop
near the waterfront.
- [Crow] He was tanning.
- [Voiceover] And now, turning to
the other news of the day.
- [Mr. Haskins] Jimmy!
- Good morning, Mr. Haskins.
- Leave that radio alone.
Sweep up the place.
You're getting paid to work,
not entertain yourself.
- Okay, but that creeper guy murdered
somebody again last night.
- Oh, murderers, detectives, gangsters.
That's all you think about.
Get the broom.
- [Tom] I think about sex, too.
- [Mike] Eat me, a hateful old fossil.
Signed, Jimmy.
Hey.
- [Crow] Hey, the brute
has fourth grade cursive.
- [Tom] Signed, not the brute.
- [Jimmy] Yeah?
- [Crow] I didn't say anything.
- Where'd this come from?
- Somebody stuck it under the door.
- Oh.
- [Crow] I hate customers!
- Don't you think it's kind of funny?
(giggling)
They leave a note under the door?
- No.
- [Tom] Go to hell.
- And don't go trying to
make a mystery out of it.
- [Crow] Piss off!
- Somebody probably too
busy to pick up the stuff.
- Could be the creeper.
- Creeper, creeper, creeper.
You give me the creeps.
- [Crow] Zinga.
- Well, it could be.
That'd be a swell reason why he wouldn't
want to see anybody or come out,
except at night.
- You just gotta deliver these groceries,
and don't forget the money.
A dollar and a quarter.
- [Mike] Why do you hire
me if you hate me so?
- Okay, but I still think it might--
- I know, so he's the creeper.
You just creep along with that,
I mean, hurry up with that stuff,
and then get back here and
do the rest of your work!
- [Crow] Dear God, I hate you!
I hope you die!
- [Tom] Crusty little bastard, probably
needs somebody to whip.
(laughing)
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Mike] Hey a pony keg, alright.
- [Tom] Oh, it's just magnificent when
the tall ship come into the harbor.
- [Crow] Meanwhile, on Il Trovatore.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Mike] Okay, let me
see 23 Pestilence Way.
(knocking)
- [Brute Man] Leave it outside.
- [Tom] Hello, Dolly.
(paper rustling)
- [Brute Man] How much?
- A dollar and a quarter.
(door opens)
- [Crow] Here's a toenail.
(door closes)
- [Brute Man] Go away.
- [Mike] Have a nice day.
- [Tom] Shucks, I guess
no one likes me today.
- [Crow] Is it me?
Am I sending off hostile vibes?
(door opens)
(door creaking)
- [Mike] I really
shouldn't do this when I'm
on the crapper.
(door creaking)
- [Tom] Man, this menu's hard to read.
Let's see, lobster, 24 bucks?
Wow.
(paper rustling)
- [Crow] Aw, great, eight
o'clock coffee, god.
- [Tom] They forgot my fruit brute cereal.
(ominous orchestral music)
(gasps)
the Shroud of Turine.
- [Crow] Say, you might
want to check the freshness
on that mayonnaise.
I got it out of the back and, hey.
- [Tom] Should I have tipped him?
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Crow] He's Big Head
Todd and the Monster.
- [Tom] Hey, take two, look at that.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Mike] Okay, okay, okay, don't blow it.
I've got a real possibility
of a free back break here.
I'm gonna breathe.
- [Crow] A scene from Brother's Keeper.
- [Tom] Alright, relax,
it's about something
we haven't done a whole
lot of times before.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Mike] Okay you're there.
Stay out of your own head, now,
hands up to ten and two,
into the creeping position.
(scary orchestral music)
- [Crow] A promising delivering career
comes to an end.
- [Tom] There's very little
chance he flanked me.
I can't imagine him doing that.
(muffled yelling)
- [Mike] Hey, your hand
smells like pennies.
- [Crow] And some prune
juice, Metamucil, Correctol,
Fibercon, Go Easy, and then, thank you.
- Thank you, Miss Hart.
(paper rustling)
- [Mike] Weathered bitch.
- Oh, boy.
- [Mike] You know, by itself,
that doesn't establish much.
- You'll send Jimmy over
with the rest of that order
won't you, Mr. Haskins?
- Yes, I will, if he ever gets back from
that errand I sent him on.
He's been gone nearly two hours.
- Well, that's the boy for you.
These days, they can't
seem to keep their minds
on their work.
Good day, Mr. Haskins.
- Good day, Miss Hart.
- [Tom] Let's go out,
be crotchety sometime.
- [Mike] Oh man, she's
a fine piece of woman.
- [Crow] God is dead?
Good! Ha!
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Tom] Ha, look at that.
Philanthropist laid.
It's always a philanthropist.
Rock stars and philanthropists, wow.
- [Mike] Erma Bombeck has a good point.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Crow] How about Captain
Flash or Captain Rocket?
Captain M.J. Donelly just doesn't do it
for a superhero.
(door closes)
How are things in homicide?
- Good morning, Captain.
- I'll bet you think it's good.
- [Tom] You.
- But does that beaming purse of yours
mean that you have some good news?
- Huh-uh, bad news.
Its on the way.
I just saw Commissioner Salisbury
parking his car outside.
The mayor's secretary is with him.
Just thought I'd let you know, give you
at least two minutes to
think up a good story.
- [Mike] Nah, nah, nah.
- Hold it, Lieutenant, come back here.
- Who, me?
- Yeah, you.
- [Crow] Who put the
cookie in the cookie jar?
- After all, I assigned
you to the creeper murders,
and I need a partner in this
little game of buck passing.
By the way, just what have you done toward
apprehending the murderer?
- Are you kidding?
You know what we've done.
We're operating the biggest dragnet
in the history of crime in this city.
- Well, it isn't big enough, you haven't
caught the creeper yet.
(door opens)
I want every available
man in the homicide burrow
put to work on this case immediately.
- Now wait, I--
- I don't want excuses.
I want the creeper in
jail within 24 hours,
or they'll be some
changes made around here.
- [Tom] Yeah, midgets.
- Oh, good morning, Commissioner.
Good morning, Mr. Parkington.
- Good morning.
- Captain Donelly.
- Your looking fine, Commissioner.
And how's the Missus?
I trust she's feeling as good you look.
- She's not, she's scared to death
like every other woman in town,
since wholesale murder has
the peace departments stymied.
- I presume you refer
to the creeper murders.
- You presume right.
I've come here to find out why a killer
can terrorize an entire city,
while the police department
twiddles its thumbs.
- Oh, well, now, I wouldn't exactly call
what we were doing "thumb
twiddling", Commissioner.
- [Mike] Rochester.
- [Parkington] Then just what
would you call it, Captain?
- [Tom] Thumb wrestling.
- His honor, the mayor,
would like to know.
- Now if you gentlemen
will please sit down,
I'll try to bring you up
to date on the creeper.
- We are up to date on the creeper.
We know that you haven't arrested him,
and his honor, the mayor,
delivered an ultimatim
to Commissioner Salisbury this morning.
He demanded action within 24 hours.
If none is forthcoming, he will ask
for the commissioner's resignation.
- And I'm telling you,
Donelly, if you don't
turn up something to quiet public opinion
before tomorrow, your job
won't be worth a pumpernickel.
- [Crow] Get his puffer!
- Exactly what I was
telling Lieutenant Gates
when you came in, wasn't I, Lieutenant?
- Yes, sir, you were,
and I'll pass the word
right on down the line until every man
in the department knows exactly
where this thing stands.
You can depend on me, Gentemen.
- Very well.
Shall we go, Commissioner?
- [Crow and Tom] We
represent the Lollipop Guild,
the Lollipop Guild.
- How'd I do?
- Great, we're still a good team.
- [Tom] That was a long, dull scene.
(phone rings)
Congratulations.
- Homicide, Captain Donelly speaking.
- [Mike] No, you're
looking for armed robbery.
- Okay, okay, we'll look into it.
(phone clicks)
Everybody in town's got creeper-itis.
- Who was it?
- Some grocer down near the waterfront
thinks the creeper might have knocked off
his delivery boy.
- [Crow] So?
Creeper, creeper, creeper.
- We just have time to go
down there before lunch.
(upbeat synth pop music)
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, how long you gonna be
on that phone, there,
Tex, because I'm expecting
an important phone call
from Sheri, my realtor,
about the duplex and all.
- Yeah, that's great, but listen, Tom,
I had the idea, hey, we have a phone.
Why not call someone like
my old girlfriend, Karla,
and she could help us get down from here.
- Oh, that's a cute idea, too, Mike,
but keep it around 30 seconds, will you,
because Sheri's probably
trying to get a hold of me.
(phone dialing)
- Yeah, whatever, it's fine.
- [Voiceover] Hello?
- Oh, hi, Karla.
Hey it's me, Mike Nelson.
- [Voiceover] Mike!
Hi!
How are you?
- I'm good.
Hey, listen very carefully,
this is gonna sound weird,
but I'm trapped up in space--
- [Voiceover] Oh, hang on, Mike,
my little boy, Matthew,
wants to say "hi" to you.
- Well, no, this is kind of--
- [Voiceover] Go ahead, Matthew.
(heavy breathing)
Say "hi" to Mike.
- Hi, Matt.
- [Voiceover] Say, "Hi, Mike."
- Hi.
- [Voiceover] Say, "Hi, Mike."
- Hi.
- [Voiceover] Hi.
- Hi, could you give the
phone back now, please, Matt?
(high voice babbling)
That's great, Matt, that's terrific,
sounds like fun.
Hey, could you give the
phone back to your mom, now?
(high voice babbling)
Great, uh-huh.
Give the phone back, Matt!
- Mike, let me take care of this,
let me take care of this.
Matt, can you hear me?
- [Voiceover] Yeah.
- Listen, Son, hang up the phone.
I'm trying to get a hold
of my realtor, Sheri, okay?
- [Voiceover] Okay, bye.
- No, don't hang up, Matt!
(dial tone droning)
Now look what you've done!
This was our chance to get down.
(alarm buzzing)
- What'd I do?
It's only my realtor, for crying out loud.
(engine whirring)
(metal scraping)
(door slams)
(chains clinking)
(liquid dripping)
(door sliding)
(beeping)
(bolts clanking)
- [Crow] Creeper, creeper.
- [Tom] Oh, I do the best stir fry.
You're in for a treat, my little
delivery-boy friend.
- [Mike] Hey, wake up, sunshine.
- [Crow] Oh, he used the
last set of clean sheets.
(ominous orchestral music)
(engine rumbling)
- [Tom] Oh, no, the apaches.
(engine rumbling)
- [Mike] This is a noisy apartment.
- [Lieutenant] Here's number 23, Donelly.
- [Crow] Be quiet, we
have to sneak up on him.
(water lapping)
- [Tom] So, I got time to snag a sturgeon?
- [Crow] Come on, here, boy.
Heel.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Mike] Oh, I forgot about
the realtor coming over.
- [Crow] I'll just push
the body under the rug,
and give it a lick and promise.
- [Tom] Hate to leave my boards behind.
(footsteps)
- [Mike] I door-knocked out
here for Wellstone, once.
- [Crow] Hey, it's Katie May.
(door handle rattling)
- [Tom] Hello?
(doorknob rattling)
- [Donelly] Come on, open up in there.
- [Crow] Oh no.
(door breaking)
- [Mike] Beep, beep.
Alert, intruder, alert, intruder.
- [Crow] Hmm, what a
really good plant house.
- [Tom] The crawl space is a little wet,
but there's a sump pump.
- [Mike] I hate these shared bathrooms.
(ominous orchestral music)
- Look.
- [Crow] Can it wait?
I'm fixing eggs.
- [Crow] Does this body mean anything?
(footsteps)
- [Mike] Okay, I looked.
Happy?
- The creeper again.
- Yep.
From the looks of that coffee pot,
he can't be far away.
- [Tom] He never leaves half a pot.
- Round up some men and start
combing the neighborhood
and I'll have a look around here.
- Okay.
- [Crow] Where are those filters?
- [Mike] Oh, god, the creepers bedpan.
- [Tom and Crow] Oh, eww.
(footsteps)
- [Tom] Well, that does it.
My investigation's complete.
- [Crow] Say, you're one good-looking man.
Who loves you, baby?
Oh, a zit there.
(door opens)
- [Mike] Hi, guy.
- [Tom] Look at all
these Lanecome products.
(paper rustling)
- [Crow] These three saw
Popular Trio, recently.
- [Tom] Popular Trio
still under investigation.
- [Mike] Oh, man, yeah, they were popular.
So full of life, it was
great to be around them.
Well, I'll look for more clues.
- [Crow] Oh, he sure is into coupons.
- [Mike] Look at this, he put
applesauce in his meatloaf.
That's a terrific idea.
- [Tom] Yep, sure is creeping, there.
- [Crow] Oh, damn, where's that northern?
I had it chained up right here.
(footsteps)
- [Mike] No, I won't talk to you anymore.
(water swishing)
- [Tom] Well, looks
like we combed the area.
(laughing)
- I'm going to call
headquarters for more men.
We'll give the whole district
a house to house canvas.
- [Crow] That'll take a
very large canvas, sir.
- [Tom] Say, anybody know
where the AJ Fiske and Son
Sausage Company is?
And who is walking on my bridge?
(gasp)
- [Tom] Boss delighted.
- [Crow] "Where is olive
loaf?", people demand.
(scary orchestral music)
- [Mike] Boy, you know,
murder clues may lead
to creeper.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Tom] Meanwhile, the thin
man arrives at the White House,
and his brother.
- [Crow] Nice knockers, huh?
- [Mike] Love that joke.
(laughing)
(knocking)
- [Crow] Trick or treat for UNICEF.
(door opens)
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
- Are you Mr. Clifford Scott?
- Yes.
- Captain Donelly, Homicide Burrow,
and Lieutenant Gates.
Mind if we come in?
- Not at all, come right in.
- Thank you.
- [Mike] We were wondering why you weren't
wearing a hat.
(door closes)
- [Tom] Tom Dewey, at home.
- What can I do for you gentlemen?
- I believe you can give us
some important information
if you will.
- I don't know what this is all about
but I'll be glad to help
in any way that I can.
Shall we go into the living room?
- Thank you.
- [Tom] It's just this way about a mile.
- What is it, Clifford?
- I don't know yet, dear.
These gentlemen are from
the police department.
They say they'd like to
ask me some questions.
Captain Donelly,
Lieutenant Gates, my wife.
- How do you do?
- You can help us, too, Mrs. Scott.
- I?
- Yes.
I take it you've read about the murders
committed by a character
the newspapers call
"the creeper"?
- Why, yes.
- We stumbled onto something this morning.
- [Crow] We stubbed our toe.
- This leads me to believe you can
help us identify him.
- You mean it's someone we know?
- I think so.
What was your class at Hampton University?
- 1930.
- You were in that class,
too, weren't you, Mrs. Scott?
- Yes.
- And you had a classmate
named Hal Moffat?
Remember him?
- He was a good friend of ours.
- [Mike] He sat on a tuffet.
- We have an idea that
Hal Moffat is the creeper.
- Hal?
- No, he couldn't be.
- We found this in his shack, among some
of this other things.
Apparently, he'd been
keeping it for some time.
- [Tom] Let me see here.
I'm Hal Moffet, I'm the creeper.
What do you know?
(paper rustling)
- [Clifford] I remember
when this was taken.
Was right after a football game.
- Yes, it was the day Hal almost
won the game single-handed.
- Two people from that college
were killed by the creeper.
Professor Cushman and a
woman named Joan Bemis.
- We knew Joan quite well.
- I thought you might of.
When did you last see Hal Moffat?
- [Mike] He was eating curds and whey.
- We haven't seen him for years.
- No, he just disappeared.
- [Donelly] Disappeared?
- Well, none of us has seen him since
his last year in college.
You see, something happened to Hal.
- [Donelly] What?
- [Crow] He graduated.
- He was probably our best friend.
- [Mike] If I'm thinking of the right guy.
- His last year at Hampton, he was captain
of the football team.
- [Tom] Here we go.
- [Clifford] In the
final game of the season,
we were playing Rensler for
the Compton's championship.
Sports writers picked Hal
for All-American honors.
If they had any doubt about
it, the game he played
against Princeton won their votes.
- [Crow] Harpo!
- [Clifford] Hal had a quick
temper, but it certainly
paid off on the football field.
- [Crow] Sieg, Heil!
- [Clifford] He was all over the place,
blocking, backing up his
line, passing so much
we were dizzy, and up
to the fourth quarter,
had scored three touchdowns
and brilliant broken
field runs.
- [Tom] 14 RBIs and three assists.
- [Clifford] Three times he
converted for extra points.
Score stood: Hampton, 21, Rensler, seven.
- [Mike] Okay, great, right there.
Don't move it, no, you moved it, no.
(crowd cheering)
- [Crow] Ah, hang on, I'm having a private
flashback right now, I'll get back to you.
(whistling)
(yelling)
- [Clifford] Hal's temper
made him a lot of enemies,
but this year, everyone was his friend.
He was one of the best
players Hampton ever produced
and we were proud of him.
- [Tom] Ah, sir, this is really neat,
(gun firing)
but could we get back to
the murder case?
(crowd cheering)
- [Clifford] Hal and I
were very close friends,
and there was only one catch to it.
We were both in love with Virginia,
and to complicate matters, Joan Bemis
was madly in love with Hal.
- [Crow] A football.
- [Clifford] We were going
to celebrate that night,
the four of us.
- [Mike] We each had patty melts.
- [Clifford] I had a date with Virginia,
but Hal did a little conniving.
He picked her up in his car and didn't
arrive until the evening was half over,
leaving Joan and me to amuse ourselves
by staring at each other across the table.
- [Tom] Ridiculous, huh?
- [Clifford] Of course,
he had a story ready
when they did get there.
He always had a story,
and knowing his temper,
I seldom challenged him.
- Hi.
- [Crow] Well, what do you mean by that?
- I'm sorry we're late, folks, but I had
some car trouble and couldn't seem
to find out what it was.
All of a sudden, it
started, just like that.
You know how it is, Cliff, old boy.
- [Clifford] Hal did the scoring again,
just like he did on the
field that afternoon.
- [Crow] So tell me about this cat poster,
apparently, the cat's hanging on a stick.
- [Mike] Jag off, jerk.
- [Clifford] Hal and I were roommates.
He was the athlete and I was a scholar.
- [Crow] Let's make lots of money.
- [Clifford] I used to help
him a lot with his studies.
It's an old college custom,
keeping football stars
eligible to play.
It wasn't because Hal was dumb.
- [Tom] But he was.
- [Clifford] He was just
to impatient to study hard.
On the football, he got action quick,
but you can't stiff-arm
your way through a flock
of chemistry problems.
- Yep, I got a very
heavy date with Virginia
right after chemistry class, and boy,
have I got plans.
- [Tom] Did I ask?
- [Clifford] Hal did some boasting,
and I did some thinking.
Then he made the mistake of asking me
to check his chemistry answers.
I saw a chance to keep him from having
that date with Virginia.
His answers were right, but I fixed that.
I gave him a set of wrong ones, and he
memorized them very carefully for the
verbal quiz scheduled for the next day.
- [Mike] So you're a big fat jerk.
- Hydrochloric acid, sulfuric acid,
and nitric acid are all catalytic agents.
- Very good, Mr. Scott.
- [Tom] But I didn't ask.
- Mr. Moffat.
- [Crow] Sit on my tuffet.
(desk clunks)
- Sulfuric acid, when combined
with H four and seven,
will form a solution of hydrochloric acid.
- [Mike] Mr. Moffat, I have never spanked
a senior before until now.
- You better remain
after class, Mr. Moffat.
You seem to have everything wrong today.
Class dismissed.
- [Tom] He'll never suspect me.
- [Clifford] Hal realized
that I'd crossed him up.
He was accustomed to being a winner,
never a loser.
He was plenty angry
because I'd outsmarted him
and he showed it.
- [Crow] I'm gonna grow
an ugly face and kill you.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Clifford] Professor
Cushman put Hal to work
on a difficult experiment
that would keep him busy
the rest of the afternoon.
And just to needle him, I walked Virginia
past the laboratory window.
- [Mike] Oh, you're a good friend.
- [Clifford] The look he gave us told me
I'd better get away from there quick.
You could never tell what he'd do
when his temper flared.
- [Crow] Come on, let's
go throw cigarette butts
at the monkeys.
(orchestral swell)
(glass shattering)
- [Crow] Ha!
- [Mike] Out, vile jelly.
- [Tom] Am I okay?
Yeah, I think I am.
- [Clifford] This time,
it brought tragedy.
- [Crow] Do you want the lab notes?
- [Clifford] We visited
him in the hospital,
and tried to talk to him,
but he wouldn't answer.
He just lay there, staring up at us.
The doctors told us
that the chemicals might
affect certain glands and
nerves, and if they did,
his features would never be normal again.
- [Donelly] And you hadn't
seen him since then?
- No, he left the hospital
after several weeks
and just dropped out of sight.
- Did the doctors tell you
anything else about him,
I mean, about his mental state?
- Oh, yes.
- [Tom] He was mental.
- One of them did say
that Hal was pretty bitter
when he left.
- Yeah.
- [Crow] I wonder why.
- A thing like that could very easily
have affected his mind.
And if he is the creeper, I guess
that's what happened.
- You mean, he may have
killed Professor Cushman
just because he kept him
after class that day?
- Possibly.
- [Mike] I'm not telling.
- The mental quirk can develop into an
extreme case of paranoia.
- [Tom] So quit looking at me.
- You say he was in love with you?
- Well, I don't know.
I never took Hal very seriously because
Cliff and I were in love with each other.
- [Crow] It's over now.
- I see.
Well, thank you very
much for the information
you've given.
- [Mike] It was long-winded and pointless
but, thank you.
(footsteps)
- [Tom] Say, do you have
a statue I could borrow?
(door creaking)
- Oh, I'm going to have your place watched
day and night for a while, Mr. Scott.
- You mean, he might come here?
- You never can tell what a man will do
when his mind's affected.
Better to be on the safe side.
He might hold you responsible
for what happened.
After all, you gave him the wrong answers.
- Yes, I did.
- Well, don't let it upset you.
We won't let anything happen, and you will
explain to Mrs. Scott about my men
covering the place?
She might think they're prowlers.
- Surely.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- [Crow] Is there anything I
could have done differently?
(door closes)
(cars passing)
- [Tom] I have often walked
down this street before.
Feet stay beneath the pavement before.
On the street where you live.
- [Mike] I thought I'd look up and it'd
remind me of something, but no.
- [Crow] Yes, I'll join band.
(sad orchestral music)
- [Tom] Evening, creeper.
- [Crow] Hi, person.
(sad orchestral music)
River wide, oh.
(sad orchestral music)
- [Tom] Ah, the Joan Rivers collections.
- [Mike] Man, how to those
things get off the ground?
- [Tom] That's a good question.
- [Crow] I'm going to get a big facial.
- [Mike] How do you, what
is this, oh, it's a door.
- Be right with you.
- [Tom] I gotta lay some cable.
- [Mike] Have a bra fitter on tonight?
(ominous orchestral music)
- See something you like, mister?
- [Crow] Yeah, but it not on menu.
- [Tom] I'm looking for a rig to make
my head look dainty.
- That's a very fine piece, my friend,
and very reasonable.
You can have it for--
- [Tom] 35 uglies, I mean, dollars!
- What's the matter?
- Nothing, I was just
going to say that you
can buy it for practically nothing.
- How much?
- To you, 12 dollars and a half.
- I'll take it.
I'll pay you for it tomorrow.
- Sorry, I don't do business that way.
- You don't trust me?
- In my business, it's too expensive.
- [Tom] Is he Dvorak?
- Put it back or I'll call the police.
(grabbing)
(orchestral swell)
- Help! Help!
- [Crow] Okay, tomorrow's
fine, fine, fine!
(car passing)
(ominous orchestral music)
Evening, creeper.
- [Tom] I, fellow.
- [Mike] Wow, the world
sure was dingy back then.
(singing)
(ominous orchestral music)
Just like Toots Thielemans.
- [Crow] Thank you.
- [Mike] Rondo Hatton
in Barefoot in the Park.
- [Tom] I wonder what the
odds are that I live here.
- [Woman] Who's there?
- It's me.
- [Crow] Mr. Creeper.
- [Woman] Oh, I'm glad.
- [Tom] No, I take that back.
- Come in.
- [Mike] Boy, what a day I've had.
I gotta say, I'm all creeped out.
- I was worried about you.
I mean, those men who were after you.
- Thanks for helping me.
I brought you something.
- Oh, thank you.
What is it?
- Why don't you look at it?
- You see, I'm blind.
- [Tom] Lemon Jefferson.
- Blind?
- [Tom] Lead me on.
- I thought you might have
guessed it last night.
What did you bring me?
- Here.
- [Crow] It's a View-Master.
- [Tom] Did you keep the receipt?
- Oh, it's beautiful, I can tell.
(strained orchestral music)
Please, let's sit down.
- [Crow] Oh, does he string
krill through his mouth?
- [Mike] Big baleen.
- [Tom] So do we make out now, or?
- Why were those men chasing you?
- They'd thought I'd done something,
but it wasn't my fault.
- Oh, I'm sure it wasn't.
- [Mike] Creeper, may I call you "creep"?
- I don't know if I should
accept this from you.
You haven't even told me your name.
- It's Hal.
- Mine's Helen.
- [Crow] We're engaged now, right?
- Last night you seemed surprised because
I wasn't afraid of you.
What's wrong, Hal?
Should I be afraid?
- [Tom] Might be a good idea.
- Everyone else is.
- [Mike] Well, now I am.
- [Helen] Why?
- I can't tell you.
- [Crow] It's a surprise.
- Do you wanna be friends with me?
- [Tom] Gee, I don't know,
I have so many, well, okay.
- Sure, you're nice to me.
- And no one else is, is that it?
- [Tom] The coy Rondo Hatton.
- I think I understand.
- [Crow] You're a hideous murderer.
- When you've been blind as long as I have
you learn to see through your senses.
- [Mike] I sense through my sweat glands.
- I can't explain it exactly,
but you get a feeling
about people when you meet them.
You see a picture of them in your mind.
- [Tom] Picturing a grouper.
- Not just what they look
like, but what they really are.
- [Crow] And what size hat they wear.
- You see, them much more clearly
then you do with your eyes.
- [Tom] No, you don't.
- Maybe that's why they
say "looks are deceptive".
- [Tom] No, they're not.
- Do you know what I mean?
- [Crow] You're smothering me.
- Yes, I know.
- I'd like to help you, if you'd let me.
- You can.
- How?
- Just let me come to see you.
- Of course, I want you to.
I'm alone most of the time, except
when I give piano lessons.
- [Tom] Or when I'm at umpire school.
- I have such a good idea of you now,
but if I could touch your face, then--
- No, don't do that.
- Why not?
- I don't want you to.
- [Crow] I'm breaking out, okay?
- Hal.
- [Mike] You're wearing
Drakkar Noir, aren't you?
(door shuts)
- Hal.
- [Tom] Open the pod bay door, Hal.
Hmm, Miss Helen Creeper.
(strained orchestra music)
(moves to ominous orchestral music)
- [Crow] Refused to use articles.
- [Tom] A police wrong.
(scary orchestra music)
- [Crow] Or your money back!
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Mike] The haunting creeper theme.
- [Crow] Come on, I
didn't mean to break it.
I thought it was in park.
- Well, good morning, Commissioner.
Good morning, Mr. Parkington.
I thought you'd be dropping
by about this time.
- So, you're sitting
here playing Gin Rummy
with another creeper
murder on the front page
of the newspapers.
- I think better when I'm enjoy my hobby.
I'm a pigeon fancier.
- [Tom] What is this scene for?
- Now, listen to me,
Donelly, we told you--
- I know, I know, you told me already
that you wanted the creeper
arrested within 24 hours.
Well, gentlemen, he's still at large.
- Now, I suppose the bear
and yourself have decided
to take over, personally.
No doubt, you'll have
the killer in custody in
10 minutes flat.
I'll just let the newspapers
know that it's in your lap.
- Now, just a minute, Captain, let's not
be hasty about this.
- You don't mean, that
his honor, the mayor,
wouldn't relish the job,
that you wouldn't like
to take over?
- That's beside the point, the entire city
is up in arms, and the creeper
goes on killing people.
Now, I'm a reasonable man, Donelly.
- I'm glad to hear it, Commissioner.
- [Mike] It's uncle Charlie.
- Now that the pressure's
off, I can let you know
that we have the first definite clues
to the identity of the creeper.
- Who is it?
- Yes, who is it?
- I said "clue", Gentlemen.
When I'm certain, I'll
give you the lowdown,
and I believe it'll be soon.
That's all I can tell you at the moment.
Now, if you'll excuse
me, I have Gates on the
triple blitz.
- [Crow] I'm beginning to lose my trust
in government.
- [Tom] Nice to know that Noel Coward's
in charge of the police force.
(door closes)
- Why didn't you let them know
about the newspaper clippings?
- What, and have those publicity hounds
filling the front pages
with a lot of stuff
that would scare the
creeper right out of town?
(synth pop music)
(moves to ominous orchestral music)
- [Mike] Well, that sex
was very serviceable
and reliable, thank you.
- [Tom] Why, hello, creeper.
- [Crow] Hi, creeper.
- [Tom] Hi.
(ominous orchestral music)
What, did this take place in Alaska?
There's no daylight.
- [Crow] I can't believe
she makes me go outside
to smoke a cigarette.
- [Mike] I'd better go
drop off the instructions
for the brooch.
- [Tom] Welcome to the
creeper arms apartments.
(ominous orchestral music)
- One and two and three and four and--
- [Crow] She's not a
very good singer, is she?
- [Mike] The song's got something to do
with it, too.
- One and two and three and four and
one and two and three and four and,
that's find, Dorothy, just fine.
- [Mike] That'll be 600 dollars.
- She's coming along very
nicely, Mrs. Obringer.
- [Tom] She is?
- You'll be playing the
classics before you know it.
- I don't wanna play that stuff,
I wanna play boogie-woogie.
- Well, you can play
that, too, as a hobby,
but first, you must master the things
that are solid.
- But boogie-woogie is
solid, really sensual.
- Hush, dear.
Put your music away, we're going home now.
She get's that from her father, he plays
hot trumpet in the fireman's band.
Come along, dear.
- [Tom] Why do you not open, door?
(door opens)
- We'll see you next
week at the same time,
I'll see that she practices like you
told her to, Miss Helen.
- I'll be right in the groove.
- Oh, Dorothy.
Good night.
- Good night.
- [Crow] Hey, fellow, why the long face?
- [Mike] Oh, now, come on.
- [Crow] (laughing) I'm sorry.
- [Mike] I begged you not to do that.
- [Crow] No.
- [Tom] That hurts.
If the hands of time.
(sad piano music)
- [Mike] You have a
real problem with that.
- [Crow] Hi, Amaire.
- [Tom] Uh, you want to
use a different fingering
not to break up the phrasing.
Uh, look, Helen, other
girls in the sorority
asked me to talk to you
about your incessant
piano playing.
- [Crow] She can't hear him?
She's the most inefficient blind person
I've ever seen.
- [Tom] Boy, you think you're God's gift
to pianos, don't you?
(soft orchestral music)
- Who is it?
- Hello.
- Oh, it's you, Hal.
I didn't hear you come in.
- I didn't knock.
- [Tom] I creeped.
- Are those men after you again?
- No, I was listening outside.
When those people left, I just walked in.
- Please, sit down.
- [Mike] I'm going to call the police.
- You make a living teaching kids to play?
- Oh, yes, I manage to get along.
- [Tom] How do you get
into that kind of thing?
- It's tough, doing that, you being
like you are.
- I love music, and I like
teaching it to others.
I don't fine my blindness too much
of a handicap.
- [Mike] Yeah, me, I'm a killer.
- Would you ever be able to see?
- [Tom] No, now, lay off!
- The doctor told me a year ago that
there might be a chance,
if I had an operation.
- Why don't you do it?
- Oh, it would be very expensive.
- [Mike] And the insurance company
considers it cosmetic.
- How much?
- A lot of money.
So much that I don't even think
about it anymore.
- If you could see you'd...
- [Mike] Nah, I can't
take anything right now.
- What were you going to say, Hal?
- Nothing.
- [Tom] Just where's
your little boys room?
- What's wrong, Hal?
Why don't you want me to see you?
Are you afraid?
- Yeah, I'm afraid.
- But why?
- You'd know, if you could see me.
- Well, if I'm not afraid of you now,
why would I be if I could see you?
- You would be.
Everybody else is.
- Then it's probably just as well
that I'm blind.
- Don't you have any idea how much
that operation would cost?
- Oh, the doctor said it would be two
or three thousand dollars, at least.
- [Crow] But I'd rather have a car.
- I'm going now.
- Hal.
- Yeah?
- If you'd just let me touch your face
I'm sure that--
- [Mike] Why, it feels like air.
- [Tom] Man, he must really be a woofer.
Woof, woof.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Crow] I like myself, I am beautiful.
I like myself, I am beautiful.
- [Mike] Oh, what's this, a zit?
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Crow] Hey, you must know
how he feels, huh, Servo?
- [Tom] Hey!
(laughing)
- [Mike] That's pretty good.
- [Tom] Yup, sorry about
all this, Mrs. Lot.
Really a shame, isn't it?
- [Mike] Creeper's
branched off into stalking.
- [Crow] The creeper
must approach the house
cautiously, so as not
to startle the house.
- [Mike] Save the coupons?
- [Tom] Sure, how do you
think I got this great house?
- [Mike] I think the movie's stuck.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Crow] Here, me in hydrangea bush.
(footsteps)
- [Tom] Rondo hat in July.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Mike] Showing the same great form
that allowed him to rush
200 yards against Yale.
(footsteps)
- [Crow] I don't think
she's gonna come out
and give me that good night kiss.
- [Tom] Turn on the hose and stick it
in the mail slot.
(giggling)
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Crow] Wow, what a great set of lamps.
(ominous orchestral music)
Geez, I keep smoking the same cigarette.
- [Tom] Why can't Burnet Realty have
a normal open house?
- [Crow] Again, it's the
Cheyenne Social Club.
- [Tom] He can't decide if he's a creeper,
or peeper, a stalker, a
walker, a back-breaker.
- [Crow] In today's job
market, you can't afford
not to diversify.
- [Mike] Into some deep creeping, here.
- [Tom] Well, no one showed
up for my 1870's party.
- [Crow] I insisted on separate bedrooms,
there's no reason why my husband needs
to be anywhere near me.
I could have swore I had an appointment
to show her a vacuum cleaner.
- [Tom] No, I'm an old friend, why don't
I just go to the front door?
- [Mike] Creeper, creeper, well, it's not
a name I would have chosen for myself,
but it seems to fit.
- [Crow] Wow, these cigarettes
are really addicting.
I wonder if they know about that, huh?
(inhales)
(exhales)
- [Tom] Disgusting habit.
I mean, I've got my
own problems, but geez.
- [Mike] Oh, her hair looks like something
you'd pound meat with.
(giggling)
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Crow] Oh, sure, I can kill a guy
with my bare hands but I
can't open a Pella window.
No way.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Tom] This has got to be,
by far, his longest creep.
It's like one of those
all-day, super-endurance
ultra creeps.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Mike] Creep, there he goes.
I should get kids going on these things.
(footsteps)
- [Crow] Oh, man, I should
have bought at least
eight more cartons.
- [Tom] If it weren't for the creeping
part of his job, it'd get quite tedious.
- [Mike] Come on,
creeper, get off the pot.
- [Crow] Man, I just love these things!
(inhales)
Oh, I love cigs.
I gotta get a carton of
these for my pregnant wife.
- [Mike] Well, this isn't my
normal method of creeping,
but sometimes you gotta improvise.
- [Tom] What I love,
really, is that they're
so good for ya.
- [Crow] Hey, that guys
not a bad creeper himself.
- [Tom] I don't want to
be know as a creeper,
I want to be known as the creeper.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Crow] Oh, no, he's gonna
steal the canned pizza
for the state fair.
Creeper, creeper, creeper, creeper.
(bolts clanking)
(beeping)
(door sliding)
(liquid dripping)
(chains clinking)
(door slams)
(Metal scraping)
- Okay, this is gonna be great.
Mike, I'm gonna need your help.
See that monitor down there, could you
lift that up on the desk?
- Ah, oh, hey, there
is a monitor down here.
- Well, look at that.
- And, Cambot, if you could zip ahead
in the experiment to
that part we talked about
with the guy.
No, no, no, not that guy.
Well, he, no.
A little forward, forward.
That, that, that guy, that guy, that guy.
Now, as I believed we'd mentioned already,
this guy looks quite a bit like
former Republican presidential candidate
Thomas Dewey.
Again, he looks like Thomas Dewey, got it?
- Yeah, right.
- [Crow] Great, great.
- Yeah, it looks like Tom Dewey.
- Mike, if you could lift that picture?
See this picture back here?
Just lift that picture of Thomas Dewey.
- Hey, alright, yeah.
Tom Dewey, there you go.
- Alright, okay, now listen.
Here's what got me going.
There's this old song called
The Crimes of Tom Dooley.
Hang down your head, Tom Dooley.
Hang, yeah, etc, etc.
You know how that goes.
- Right, yeah, yeah, I think I see
where you're headed with this.
- This is gonna be fun.
So what got me to thinking was,
what would happen, if instead of singing,
"hang down your head, Tom Dooley",
you were to go ahead and sing,
"Hand down your head, Tom Dewey."
- Tom Dewey
- [Mike] Tom Dewey.
- Hang down your head and cry,
hand down your head, Tom Dewey.
Poor boy, you're bound to die.
There, you see?
- Well, that's great, Crow, you make
a real interesting point, and I think
we can all see how--
- Well, let's go ahead
and do it, then, huh?
- Well, I think you just did.
- Well, Tom, if you would sing the name,
if you want, and, Mike,
I believe it helps,
if you point to the picture.
- You're probably right.
Okay, great.
(banjo plucking)
- Hang down your head.
- Tom Dewey.
- Whee, hang down your head and cry.
Hang down your head.
- Tom Dewey.
Crow, what is your point here?
- Well, come on, use your imagination.
Why would Thomas Dewey
have to hang down his head?
Why would he be bound to die, huh?
See, it's the juxtaposition
of the two names
and there's endless examples
of this sort of fun.
Hey, here's another one.
(banjo twanging)
Hang on, Snoopy.
Snoopy, hang on.
Not sloopy, no!
It's hang, Cambot, join me.
Snoopy, Snoopy, hang on.
(upbeat synth pop music)
(moves to ominous orchestral music)
- [Crow] You know, a
creeper with decent manners
would have phone ahead.
- [Mike] This would have
moved along much faster
if he'd been called the
jaguar or the cheetah.
- [Tom] Nice pad, but I
prefer my river shack.
- [Crow] Mrs. Bates, can
Norman come out and play?
- [Mike] Oh, no, now his
creeping has just turned
into wandering.
- [Tom] Rocks move faster
than this guy, god.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Crow] Now is she in
Chip's room or Robby's?
- [Tom] Doors, you mock me, you know
I've never been able to run you.
(swelling orchestral music)
- [Crow] Look at that,
she's using a harmonica
on her nails.
Joan, hi, say, do you
have those chem notes?
- What?
- Hello, Virginia.
- [Tom] I'm hunting wabbits.
(laughing)
- Who are you?
- You don't remember me?
- No, I.
- [Mike] Oh, right, you're
my husband, of course.
- You're not Hal.
- Yeah, I've changed a little since
I last saw you, haven't I?
- Your face.
- [Crow] Yeah, like you're a total fox.
- It frightens you, doesn't it?
- I can't believe it.
- This is what you and Cliff did to me.
- But we never knew.
- [Mike] So, friends.
- Yeah, you're afraid of me, just like
all the others.
You even got a detective outside now,
to protect you from me.
- They insisted on guarding the house.
They told us you were the creeper,
that you'd killed all those people.
Joan, Professor Cushman and the others.
- [Tom] I need some Carmex, now.
- I need some money.
A lot of money.
- [Mike] Please see the bursar.
- I'll do anything I can to help you,
but we don't keep very
much money in the house.
- Cliff's doing alright for himself.
You've probably got a lot of jewels.
(car horn beeping)
- Good evening, Mr. Scott.
- Hello, I'm sorry you
have to stay out here.
- Oh, that's alright, sir, it's my job.
Good night.
- Good night.
- [Crow] By the way, you
mind if a smoke out here?
Right.
(door closes)
- Keep quiet.
- [Clifford] Virginia?
- There's Cliff.
- Tell him to come on up.
Go on.
- [Tom] But he's not
keeping quiet.
- I'm up here, Cliff.
- Okay, dear.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Tom] Oh, man, she's in the bedroom.
I can't believe it and I haven't
had anything in weeks.
(giggling)
- Hello, darling.
- [Mike] I defeated Truman today.
- What's the matter?
- Hello, Cliff.
- It's Hal.
- [Crow] A.K.A, the creeper.
A.K.A. the brute.
- Hal.
- Yeah, it's been a long time, Cliff.
- [Crow] Yeah.
- I don't blame you
for not recognizing me.
- Cliff, they were
right, he is the creeper.
He killed those people.
- [Tom] Isn't it exciting?
- Why, Hal?
What happened to you?
- Look at my face.
- Yes, but.
- That's what happened
to me, thanks to you.
- [Crow] Awkward.
- Why would you come here?
- I need money.
- I told him we'd be glad to do anything
we could to help him.
- Yes, of course.
- Get those jewels of
mine in the wall safe.
- But, alright.
They're in here.
- [Crow] Oh, great.
- [Mike] You know my
Gallery mags are in here.
- [Crow] So, what else
have you been up to?
Been creeping a lot?
(cover clunking)
- [Tom] Let's see now.
One, one, one.
(door opens)
- [Mike] I'm not giving you
my Whitey Ford rookie card.
- I'll take it.
- But it's locked.
I keep the key in the desk drawer.
- I won't need a key.
- But, Hal, there's personal papers in it.
Things of no value to you,
but very valuable to me.
I'd like to keep them if you don't mine.
- Okay, unlock it.
Remember, I'm watching you.
- [Crow] Ah, the flexible burglar.
- [Tom] So, Hal, you going
to the reunion next month?
I hear the gang's getting back together.
Joan Bemis is bringing a banjo.
Should be fun.
- [Mike] That's chemistry answers.
You won't need that.
(cover shuts)
- Here's the jewelry.
- Put up your hands.
- You--
(gun firing)
- [Crow] Oh, man, right in the mess!
- [Tom] Wow.
- [Clifford] Go and let the detective in.
(strained orchestral music)
- [Tom] Poor guy.
- I'm sorry, Hal, but I had to.
(orchestral swell)
- [Tom] Oh, I know, you're mad aren't you?
Just like when I deformed
your face, you're mad.
Kiss me, you brute man.
- Mr. Scott, Mr. Scott!
- [Crow] Do you have a cigarette?
(door rattling)
(rushing orchestra music)
- [Tom] Oh, poor fellow, probably needs
to use the bathroom.
(door rattling)
(door opens)
- What's going on, I heard a shot.
- It's Hal Moffat.
He's upstairs, my husband shot him.
- [Mike] Was he on his
tuffet at the time, ma'am?
- [Tom] Stop that now.
- [Crow] This is really gonna cut into
my smoking time.
(scary orchestral music)
- Cliff!
- [Crow] Well, I, hmm?
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Tom] Maybe, no, I can't
take his last cigarette.
- No.
- [Mike] Well, good luck,
however, it turns out.
- Calling cars 41 and 53, district 5.
- [Crow] Guess who?
- Cars 41 and 53, district 5.
Proceed at once to 500
block, Cottage Grove Avenue.
Investigate a 341.
- [Tom] Write this down.
- Proceed with caution.
This job is by the creeper.
- [Tom] Hubcaps are alerted
(sirens blaring)
- [Mike] It was right around the corner.
- [Crow] So, this is a Persian rug.
- There's another one.
Oh, yes.
- [Mike] Oh, mama.
- He's been hit alright.
- [Tom] Oh, baby.
Now maybe he's been hurt badly enough
to slow him up.
- [Officer] Captain Donelly?
- Yeah.
- We just got a flash on the radio.
They've traced him to the Tanna district,
over by Grand Avenue.
- Maybe.
- Hey, you know what I think?
- Yeah, I know.
- [Tom] You're a large, pink smelly man.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Mike] Oh, boy, this could mean an early
and unexpected end to his creeping career.
- [Crow] Yeah, the creeper
is on the 15 day DL.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Mike] Matthew!
- [Tom] Justice.
- [Crow] Oh, god, how the hell did she
ever get a piano up here?
Okay, once I get you
her, I have to ask her
to move to the first floor.
- [Tom] Oh, they're going
to visit Mr. Kotter.
(metal clanking)
- [Tom] Um, hello, anybody there?
- [Mike] Hello?
- [Tom] Hello?
- [Mike] You know, one thing I have to say
for this creeper, he
really opened the door
for other creepers.
- [Crow] Ladies and Gentlemen,
in the center ring, the
creeper will now attempt
the high thing.
(laughing)
- [Tom] I should have
called her and told her
to meet me at the drug store.
- [Mike] Man, such a
nightmare for all creepers
to blow out a knee or get shot like this.
- [Crow] So he's in pain and it's taking
him a long time.
- [Tom] So mostly like before, then.
(upbeat synth pop music)
(moves to ominous orchestral music)
- [Tom] Geez, I wish
I'd worn my gym clothes.
- [Mike] Oh, god, my trick groin.
- [Crow] Boy, he's had several injuries
that don't really help his
chances with women, at all.
- [Mike] It feels good just to not creep.
- [Tom] Ah, ha, and that's
significant because?
- [Mike] Ah, bet I look like hell.
(strained orchestral music)
- [Crow] Honey, my face is as big as ever
and someone shot my sizzler off.
(strained orchestral music)
- Helen.
- [Tom] Ah!
Don't do that.
- Hal, you startled me.
You came in by the fire escape.
Are you in trouble again?
- No, I've got something for you.
- [Crow] A transformer I
got with my happy meal.
- [Mike] (gasps) Steelies.
- [Helen] What's this?
- This stuff will enough
for that operation.
- [Tom] You mean my cath implants?
- Where did you get these?
Hal, you're hurt.
- [Crow] I hear blood.
- I'm alright.
You have that operation right away.
- [Crow] Can't it wait until morning?
- Hal, wait!
(ominous orchestral music)
I'd like an appraisal of these jewels.
- [Tom] They came from a
wounded guy with a hole
in his groin and won't
let me touch his face.
- [Crow] Eh, this is a daredevil lure.
- Yes, ma'am.
It'll take a few minutes.
Would you care to wait?
- Yes, I'll wait.
- [Mike] Okay, go ahead and wait, then.
Start waiting, right over there.
- [Tom] This stuff is hotter than
a Pasadena tennis court.
- [Crow] Wow, he got his
name legally changed.
- [Tom] What do you know.
- [Mike] Astoundingly little detail in
this robbery detail.
- [Tom] And one rock
that might be an agate.
- [Crow] That's an odd recipe.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Mike] Mrs. Robinson, I got the room.
- Operator, get me the police.
- What did he say when
he gave you these jewels?
- He told me to sell
them and use the money
for an operation on my eyes.
- Didn't you think that
was a little funny?
- I started to ask him about them,
but he left before I had the chance.
- Don't you realize you can get yourself
into a lot of trouble
protecting a criminal?
- [Tom] Let me put it this way, have you
every seen Chained Heat?
- [Helen] A criminal?
- Well, I think you can call him that.
- [Mike] Hmm, back me up on this, Roy?
- I can't believe it.
- Didn't you know the
police were after him.
- No.
- Not even that first night, when they
came to your room?
- I thought they were just some men.
- [Crow] With badges and guns.
- He never told me.
- No, no, I guess he wouldn't.
- I knew he was in some sort of trouble
but I didn't realize
it was with the police.
- [Crow] I thought he was pregnant.
- What has he done?
- [Tom] He has crept.
- Murder, at wholesale.
- [Crow] Good prices on murder.
- He happens to be the creeper.
- [Crow] Not my creeper!
- Creeper!
- [Lieutenant] Maybe
you'd better sit down.
- [Tom] By the way, am I
showing too much cleavage?
- He was so nice to me.
- [Mike] He gave me a cheap
brooch and everything.
- I just can't believe this about him.
- [Crow] Well, believe this, sister!
(swelling orchestral music)
- [Tom] Yet sees things
the sighted cannot.
(heightened orchestral music)
- [Mike] Sells rights to Universal.
- [Tom] The friendship of
a boy and a killer whale.
- Extra, extra, blind girl confesses
friendship with creeper killer.
Read all about it!
Blind girl confesses.
- [Crow] He just told the whole story.
- Extra, extra, read all about it.
- [Tom] Great, now I gotta buy up
every paper in town.
- All about the creeper.
Extra, extra, get your late edition here.
Blind girl tells all.
- [Mike] Wow, Rick Astley
is selling newspapers.
- Blind girl tells all, read all about it.
Get your paper here,
get your late edition.
- [Crow] Creeper needs a clipping service.
(car passing)
- [Tom] Let's see, wonder
how the Giants did.
Oh, damn.
- [Mike] Oh, my god, blind girl tells all
about creeper!
- [Crow] None of this would have happened
if chemistry weren't required.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Tom] Well, it looks like
the creeper's back in the game,
let's see what he can do
with that new plastic groin.
- [Mike] The black hole
alley of the entire movie.
- [Tom] Yep, once again.
What light, window break?
- [Crow] That was our song,
whatever the hell it is.
(sad piano music)
Still hasn't gotten that phrasing right.
- [Tom] Hey, maybe he's
gonna do a skin the cat.
- [Mike] No.
- [Crow] Never before
has the screen sizzled
with such intense fire escape action.
- [Mike] I really hope
he doesn't accidentally
sneak in and kill Alicia de Larrocha.
(grunting)
(sad piano music)
- [Tom] Ow, wow.
- [Crow] Right now, she's
probably having coffee
and sharing stories with
Terri Gibbs and Diane Schuur.
- [Tom] Could be.
- [Mike] Why don't they
just call this movie
"The Creeper"?
Brute Man. (scoffs)
- [Tom] That'd be really
awkward if he walked in on her,
and she was entertaining
another big, ugly murderer guy.
- [Crow] She, at least,
owes me an explanation.
(sad piano music)
- [Mike] Showboat.
(sad piano music)
- [Tom] Hello, the end is near.
- [Crow] Happens every
time, I can't help myself.
- [Tom] The final curtain.
(sad piano music)
- [Crow] Oh, it's the
preacher from The Right Stuff.
She can't resist the
great smell of Brute Man.
(howling)
(sad piano music)
- [Tom] You know, you
morphed Joan Amos' features
you'd have this guy.
- [Crow] Flags all, baby.
(sad piano music)
- [Mike] Well, this movie
comes full circle, again.
- [Tom] And again.
- [Crow] Excuse me I'm from downstairs.
Could you play through the headphones?
(sad piano music)
- [Tom] She's really Jean Hackman dressed
as a woman to trap him.
For what is a man, what has he got
without himself?
- [Crow] Let's just
fluff out the sides here.
- [Tom] Um, do you have any ice?
Get her!
(struggling)
- [Crow] Are there people here?
Is something happening?
- I'll be with you in a minute.
- [Mike] We changed our
plan at the last minute
and decided not to let him strangle you.
- [Tom] Oh, this sucks.
(sad orchestral music)
- [Mike] Oh, come on, let's not make
a federal case out of it, get up.
- That was a fine thing
you did, Miss Paige,
helping us trap the killer.
- I wonder how he feels about it.
He trusted me.
He wanted to help me.
- Don't let it get you,
his mind had snapped.
- After all, he was a psychopathic killer.
And by the way, I have some news for you.
- [Crow] You're new eyeballs are in.
- I've been talking to
certain people and we,
they think you're going
to get that operation.
- [Crow] One of our
sergeants does it part-time.
- How wonderful.
- You look tired.
Why don't you--
- May I see you home?
- Oh, thank you.
- [Mike] Ah, thanks, but I've been
getting up from chairs for years.
- [Tom] Now she's gonna
find out how ugly he is.
- Well, there goes my pigeon.
(cards snapping)
- [Crow] Serial killers are wacky!
- [Mike] It's done!
- [Crow] Our producers'
releasing corporation
reminding you, don't fear the creeper.
(bolts clanging)
(beeping)
(door sliding)
(liquid dripping)
(chains clinking)
(door sliding)
(metal scraping)
(door shuts)
- So I use a spark-plug wrench--
- Hey, anybody seen Servo?
- No.
- No.
(laughs)
- Okay, that's great.
Alright, well, I want
to read a letter here,
kind of nice.
- Hi, everybody, sorry I'm late.
Just finished closing up my duplex.
- Oh, hey, you closed from here?
- Sure, Sheri took care of everything.
She's a super-sharp gal.
- What's a closing?
- Well, all I know is
you sign a lot of papers
and you right a lot of checks.
- And now you're a landlord.
- Yes, sirree, Martha!
(phone ringing)
Oh, I'll get that, it's probably for me.
Hello, landlord Servo here,
what can I do you for?
- Guy's going to jail.
Well, none of my concern.
Here's a letter from Krista and Dana.
- Krista!
- Hey, Dana!
- Put this stuff on still store.
You can see the nice silhouette, there.
True, down there.
It says, "Hi, Mike, Tom,
Crow, Gypsy, and Cambot.
"How are you guys doing over there?
- Fine, thank you.
- [Crow] Yeah.
- "We are so glad you
brought MST back to midnight.
"Our 70-year-old
grandmother works all day,
"but she makes sure to
stay up for MST 3000."
- Well, I don't know, just
don't flush the toilets.
- Why don't you flip that
picture of Nanna up there
on still store.
- [Crow] Nanna!
- You can see she's
giving a big thumbs up.
- Well, do you really need the water on?
I mean, they must have shut
it off for a good reason.
- Alright, and I got another one here from
a Kara Lee Bailiff.
- [Gypsy] Kara Lee.
- And she says, "Thank you for helping me
"to discover that good
things did not vanish
"with the Reagan Presidency."
- What do you mean,
I'm on the Village Boys
Top Ten worst landlords list,
I just bought the place.
It's in Pennsylvania for crying out loud!
- Yeah, Philly.
- Hi, mom and her guy, Sandy,
are just pulling up outside.
I'm not really that upset
about Sandy anymore,
I just needed to figure a few things out.
- [Sandy] After you, madam.
- Oh, Clayton, you're still up.
Well, I'm gonna go freshen up.
Don't you go anywhere, Sandy.
- So, did you have a good time?
- Ah, sure, Clay.
Let me tell you, my boy.
Next time you got a little
chickie on the line,
just take her to Chile's,
set the hook and...
Poom!
- I will do that.
Drink, Sandy?
- Sure, I don't think I'm
driving anymore tonight.
(exhales)
(exploding)
(clucking)
- I'm back, oh, Clayton!
(clucking)
- Yes, mommy?
- Did you turn Sandy in to
the chicken of tomorrow?
- Hey, I guess I did.
- Clayton if you...
Well, if you don't watch
out for me, who will?
- Oh, mother, I love you.
- And I feel quite strongly
toward you as well.
(clucking)
(electric pop)
(brassy synth music)
- Creeper, creeper, creeper.
You give me the creeps.
♫ Way down in Deep 13
♫ The evil Dr. Forrester
was hatching a nasty scheme
♫ He hired a chap by the name of Mike
♫ Just a regular Joe he didn't like
♫ His experiment needed a good test case
♫ So he conked him on the noggin
♫ And he shot him into space
- [Mike] Get me down!
♫ I'll send him cheesy movies
♫ The worst I can find
♫ La la la
♫ He'll have to sit and watch them all
♫ And I'll monitor his mind
♫ La la la
♫ Now keep in mind Mike can't control
♫ When the movies begin or end
♫ La la la
♫ He'll try to keep his sanity
♫ With the help of his robot friends
(gears grinding)
♫ Robot Robo Cambot
♫ Gypsy
♫ Tom Servo
♫ Croooow!
♫ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes
♫ And other science facts
♫ La la la
♫ Just repeat to yourself it's just a show
♫ I should really just relax
- Did I tell you my mother's here?
♫ Oh a Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♫
(guitar strumming)
(doors closing)
(bolts clanking)
(beeping)
(door sliding)
(liquid dripping)
(chains clinking)
(door slamming)
(metal scraping)
(door shutting)
- Uh-huh, uh-huh, well that's
great, Sheri, let's do it!
Uh, points, hose any good?
Well, sure, I'll take a few, why not?
Okay, I'll hold.
- Hi, guys, what's up?
- Well, Servo's buying a duplex
in Philadelphia.
It's a real drive-by cutie.
- Wow, that's a terrific idea.
I'll tell you why, because
you can take party,
wait a minute, how?
- That's easy, Mike.
Turns out you can purchase
one of these beauties
with no cash.
- With no cash?
- Uh-huh, it's called
the "no cash method".
- Old-world charm galore.
- That's great, Tom, but
just a cursory glance at this
shows me you're gonna
be losing $2000 a month.
- Oodles of curb appeal.
- It's a paper loss, Mike, try to relax.
I write it off my income.
- You don't have any income.
- So, income average.
Geez, you'd be doing this
too, if you had any cojones.
- Such a drive-by cutie.
- You're going to prison for sure.
We'll be right back.
- [Tom] Oh, Sheri's back.
Sheri, good, let's lock it.
- You're a cutie, you are.
You're a drive-by cutie, yes you are.
- Cojones?
(synth pop music)
- Locked into a 30-year fix,
then I signed the papers,
and boom, not only an I a homeowner,
I'm actually making money in the deal.
- Can you reach it?
- I got it.
- Whoa, whoa, there's your smell.
- Yeah.
- [Mother] And don't you
dare kill this boyfriend
like you did the last one, Clayton.
- Yes, Mother.
Hi, guys.
Mom has a date tonight.
(doorbell rings)
- [Mother] Clayton, be a dear, get that?
- Sure.
There's nothing else I need to do.
I'm your personal slave, that's probably
why you had me.
(doorbell rings)
It's open!
(door squeaking)
- Hi!
- Uh, hi.
Mom, that guy is here.
- I'm Sandy.
You must be Pearl's boy.
What are you doing?
- I'm sewing the head
of a piglet onto a fish.
(blowing nose)
- Oh, yeah, hobbies are great.
I do model trains.
- Yeah, I'm sure you do, excuse me.
- You're mother is one fine woman, Clay.
Just between you and me, I wouldn't be
expecting her home tonight.
- Mother?
- Hi, Sandy.
- Pearl, you are looking...
(grunts)
- Well, it looks like
you two have had a chance
to get to know each other.
Okay, listen up, people.
Mother is going out with
her friend, Sandy, tonight,
so, Art, you're in charge.
(gasps)
- Crow!
- Come on!
- [Gypsy] No way!
- Sure, Pearl, now you
have yourself a good time
and don't worry about a thing.
(scoffing)
- Man, man.
- So, what Art says, goes, people,
and that means you, too, Clayton.
- Okay, you big babies,
here are the rules.
Go to bed now and don't get up
or I'll put your hands
in the garbage disposal.
(screaming)
Shut up, kid!
- Look, Crow, there's no way.
I'm bigger than you
and I'm older than you.
There's no way you're my babysitter!
- Just for that, you wash my feet.
- Crow.
- [Crow] Shut up.
- Crow.
- [Crow] Shut up!
- Crow.
- [Crow] Shut up!
- Crow.
- [Crow] Go to bed!
- Crow.
- You shall live.
- Thank you.
- Shut up!
- Bye-bye, sweetie. (smooching)
I'll be back whenever I feel like it
and there's no number
where you can reach me.
Chow!
- Poom!
- Oh, Mother, no!
Oh, well, he's not the first oily man
that's taken Mom to the mat.
Your experiment this week
is a Rondo Hatton vehicle
called "Brute Man", and
there's also a short.
- Aren't you supposed to be in bed by now?
Get back into bed!
Would you stop, would you stop?
(alarm buzzing)
What have you kids done?
What have you done, you stupid kids!
(door opening)
(metal scraping)
(slamming)
(chains clinking)
(door sliding)
(beeping)
(bolts clanking)
(creaking)
(old orchestral music)
(grunting)
- [Mike] Backwards jackass company.
- The Bill Clinton story!
(laughing)
- [Tom] The Chicken of Tomorrow
in a deadly battle against
the chicken of today.
(old orchestral music)
(clucking)
(slapping)
- [Mike] I'm off, wait, there.
- [Crow] Tempo.
(old orchestral music)
(clucking)
- Dedicated to the chickens
who lost their lives
in the great chicken war.
(old orchestral music)
- [Mike] Wait a minute, men and women
breeding better poultry?
What kind of sick
experiment is going on here?
- [Tom] You know, this
music helps chickens breed.
Kind of like the Luther
Vandross of chickens.
(laughing)
(clucking)
- [Mike] Chickens are dining in front
of a Susan Rothstein mural.
(laughing)
- [Voiceover] After all these
years, whether the chicken
or the egg came first,
is still the subject
of a lot of good-natured debate.
- [Tom] No, it isn't.
- [Voiceover] But one thing
there's no argument about,
chickens and eggs are the
most widely-grown farm product
in the country.
There's not a single
county in the United States
that doesn't raise them.
(growling and munching)
- [Tom] Daddy, must you sit in dinner?
- [Voiceover] In recent
years, this poultry business
has become a big money maker for farmers,
$3 billion a year.
That's second only to dairying
and beef cattle raising.
- [Crow] Woohoo, we're going on a trip!
Hey, where we going?
Woohoo!
- [Tom] Chickens are shipped
to the set of Oklahoma.
(bright orchestra music)
- [Mike] I think the fellow in
white really likes us, Susan.
(squawking)
(bright orchestral music)
- [Voiceover] Just to give
you an idea of the size
of this poultry business, Americans eat
140 million eggs a day.
- [Crow] Oh!
That's one for every man,
woman, and child in the nation.
- These are your chickens on drugs.
- [Voiceover] Chickens, well,
the per capita consumption
is 25 pounds a year.
That means just about
everybody must eat chicken
at least once a week.
Yes, indeed, chickens and
eggs are a big business.
- [Mike] Come on, that tickles.
- [Voiceover] And like big business,
there's a serious effort
to improve the product.
- [Crow] We're removing meal worms.
- [Voiceover] A three-year
program to breed a better chicken
is now being carried on.
- [Tom] Fellow poultrymen,
our cherished freedoms
are threatened from all sides.
- I don't think I've got what it takes
to be the chicken of tomorrow.
- [Mike] I'd like to be
the Chicken of Tomorrow,
but how can I be more the man of today?
- [Voiceover] And on large
and small farms everywhere,
the search for a better chicken goes on.
- [Crow] There it is, wait, no, there!
- [Voiceover] Come
along with us on a visit
to one of the large breeding farms
and see how the old-time barnyard flock
has grown up.
- [Mike] If you're nice, we'll hook you up
to the milking machine.
- [Voiceover] Of course,
they have to be hatched
before they can grow up.
So, let's start at the
beginning, in the incubator.
- [Mike] I'm in the incubator, now.
- [Voiceover] Good chicks
come from good eggs.
- [Crow] Thank you, young man.
- [Voiceover] Fertile eggs
from hens with a pedigree.
- [Crow] Oh, pardon me.
- [Voiceover] The pedigree's
important, because in the
search for a better chicken,
it's breeding that counts.
- [Mike] Hey, can I go to the bathroom?
- [Tom] No, stay in there!
- [Mike] Oh, come on, can I go home?
- [Tom] No, the door's locked.
(bright orchestra music)
- [Crow] I've seen the
episode where the eggs
come too fast and she starts
putting them in her mouth!
(laughing)
- [Mike] Some eggs are sent to solitary.
- [Voiceover] It's a far
cry from the warm breast
of a broody hen to a modern incubator,
but actually the conditions
are very much the same.
The temperature is held at
99 degrees to approximate
the body heat of the hen.
- [Crow] And this fellow.
- [Voiceover] And a forced draft gives
plenty of ventilation.
This one unit holds 85,000 eggs.
- [Tom] And one bathroom for all them.
(laughing)
- [Voiceover] Did you
ever notice the old hen
turning the eggs over
occasionally as she sets?
- [Crow] Oh yeah, who hasn't?
- [Voiceover] Here, the same
thing is done automatically.
- [Tom] Ride the wild mouse.
- [Voiceover] And now we'l wait 21 days
for things to happen.
- [Crow] Oh, you can't
wait for things to happen,
young man, you've got to make them happen!
- [Voiceover] But thanks to
some very special photography
we can see what's happening.
- [Mike] Oh, this is
gonna be hot, hot, hot.
- [Voiceover] By the end of the third day,
the embryo in the egg has begun to form.
- [Tom] Flock, calling all sons.
- [Crow] Hey, I'm trying to sleep in here.
- [Voiceover] Another
three days, and the heart
has started to beat.
- [Mike] Say, can I have a bigger egg?
- [Tom] That is one bloodshot eye.
- [Mike] Wow.
- [Voiceover] After 10 days, you can see
the chick itself beginning to take shape.
- [Crow] Oh, wait, that's my silly putty.
(mysterious orchestral music)
- [Voiceover] A few
more days and that mass
has some resemblance to a baby chick.
- [Mike] If you kind of squint.
- [Crow] I'll dry eye.
(hiccuping)
(giggling)
- [Voiceover] And finally,
the fully-developed chick
is ready to start
breaking out of its shell.
- [Tom] Sticks of dynamite
are arranged carefully
around the perimeter.
- [Voiceover] At this stage, Mother Nature
gives it a sharp spike
on the end of its beak,
sharp enough to poke a
hole through the shell.
Little by little, the chick works its way
around the shell.
- [Mike] Hold it, I'll be out in a minute.
It'll just take a little
longer than I thought.
- Come on down and meet everybody.
(laughing)
- [Voiceover] Finally the end of the shell
is weakened enough so the
chick can push it out.
- [Tom] Yeah, right, you push it out.
Geez, this is hard.
(grunting)
- [Mike] I hate it when people tape
their own deliveries.
- [Tom] Aren't there supposed
to be pantyhose in there?
- [Mike] Wait, I'm coming, I'm not done.
Ow.
(grunting)
- [Voiceover] And after
a lot of struggling
it tumbles out, exhausted, but free.
- Oh, oh, oh, what did I do last night?
- [Voiceover] It'll rest
now for several hours
and then get up on shaky
legs and begin to live.
- [Mike] For a few
weeks, only to be eaten.
- [Voiceover] Full-time poultrymen
who have been in the
business for many years
say they still get a mighty kick out of
the miracle of the birth of a baby chick.
- [Tom] Hey guys, it's God.
- [Voiceover] The ratio
of pullets and cockerels
among chicks is about 50/50.
- Great, what are those?
- [Voiceover] Of course, you
may order straight run chicks.
Then again, you may order all pullets.
- [Mike] Life is great, it stretches
out in front of me like an eternity.
- [Voiceover] Sexing the
chicks, or separating
the male from the females is
a highly-specialized trade.
- [Tom] Yeah, for pervs.
Whoa, Milton Merl, there.
(laughs)
- [Voiceover] Called for
long experience and training,
but the experts seldom miss.
They can't afford to miss,
because when you order pullets,
you want all pullets, not
a few cockerels mixed in.
- [Mike] Hey, why are we screeching?
(chirping)
- [Crow] Garage sale.
Goodwill.
Save for the kids.
(bright orchestra music)
- [Mike] It's nice, you know it's small,
the walls are neutral.
- [Tom] Oh, hi, Cindy, I'm
so glad I'm in your group.
This is gonna be the fun group.
(chirping)
- [Crow] 40-piece chicken nuggets to go.
- [Voiceover] "But wait a
minute.", you may be saying.
- [Crow] Why am I watching this?
- [Voiceover] Can those
chicks, just out of the shell,
be sent, without food, on trips of a day,
two days, even three?
- [Tom] You bet.
- [Voiceover] Indeed they can.
Nature thought about that, too.
The baby chick has within its little body
enough unabsorbed yoke, to
nourish it for 72 hours,
three days and nights of travel,
with each chick carrying its own lunch.
- [Mike] Then they turn on each other.
- [Voiceover] Nevertheless,
speed is essential
and it's here that the motortruck
plays such a big part in poultry raising.
- I said speed is essential!
- [Voiceover] In fact, the
industry couldn't exist
as it does today without
motor transportation
and the petroleum industry that supplies
the quality fuel and lubricants that make
this high-speed transportation possible.
- [Tom] The unholy
alliance between big oil
and big chickens.
- [Mike] That guy's escaping
disguised as a chicken.
- [Crow] Chickens!
- [Voiceover] But to get
back to our baby chicks.
- [Mike] I'm full.
- [Voiceover] This made a
cute picture, but it's really
not the scientific way to handle chicks.
- [Mike] How many are you sitting on?
- I've been a little nuts this Easter.
- [Voiceover] Their immediate
destination after leaving
the incubator is the brooder house.
- [Mike] Designed by Frank Lloyd Wright.
- [Voiceover] Here a stove is needed
to keep the temperature
up around 95 degrees
for the first week.
Almost any kind of stove will do,
one of those most common
being a kerosene stove.
- Here I come!
- [Tom] Oh, they mingle, get
to know each other a little.
- [Voiceover] The circular
guard is to keep the chicks
near the heat and prevent floor drafts.
- [Tom] There are concerts at the gazebo.
- [Voiceover] For a few days, the litter
should be covered with
paper, so the chicks
don't eat it.
They need plenty of food
and lots and lots of water.
- Individual counseling is provided.
- [Voiceover] From now
on, their main job in life
is to eat and grow.
- [Crow] Eat and grow forever.
- [Voiceover] After the
first few days, the paper
can be removed.
- [Crow] Except for the sports section.
- [Voiceover] Floor should
be covered with litter
to keep the floor warm
and absorb the droppings.
Peat moss, fine-cut straw,
peanut shells, brown corncobs
or anything that will pack rather closely
is good for litter.
- [Crow] Cigarette butts, hair, beer cans.
(upbeat synth pop music)
- [Voiceover] After the chicks
are two or three weeks old,
they can be allowed out of doors,
if the weather's good.
- [Tom] And if they've
completed their lessons.
- [Voiceover] At from eight to 10 weeks,
the pullets being reared
for egg production
are ready to be transferred
from the brooder house
to the range.
- And you know what that means.
(laughing)
- [Voiceover] Range life
is good for chickens.
- Huh, what, what?
- [Mike] What's going on?
- [Tom] What, really, no, you?
- [Voiceover] Range shelter
should be fairly small
holding not more than 100 birds.
- [Tom] Or migrant workers.
- [Voiceover] The shelter
protects them from the sun,
and gives them a safe place to roost
out of the way of rodents.
- Rodents?
- [Tom] Rodents?
(yelling)
- [Mike] Get out, go, go!
- [Voiceover] Proper
diet and plenty of water
are required.
- [Tom] Heavens, I'm so fat, I just look
at chicken feed and I gain weight.
(laughs)
- Does this taste funny to you?
- [Voiceover] A good grass sod is a must
to give the birds an abundant supply
of fresh, tender leaves.
- [Mike] A selection of
ciders and spring water
should be kept on hand.
- [Crow] Normandy.
- [Voiceover] Rain
shelters ought to be spaced
about 75 to 100 feet apart, so then hens
won't go wondering off to
gossip with other flocks.
You know how chickens are.
- [Tom] Yeah, they own
everything, bastards.
- [Voiceover] Oh, it's
a fine life, this life
on the range, but like all good things
it must come to an end.
- [Tom] Time to die.
- [Voiceover] And when they
are about six months old
the pullets are ready to
move to the laying house
to fulfill one of their
main functions in life.
- [Crow] I can't, I've
got a tiny headache.
- [Voiceover] Remember the old hen house?
- [Tom] The one with the rats.
- [Voiceover] It's now
a hotel, a pullet hotel.
- [Tom] Rooms by the hour.
- [Voiceover] Every room
with an outside exposure.
- [Crow] Joey "The Cockscomb" Tortelli.
Ricky "The Bathroom" Shah Vitello.
Jimmy "Crazy Cock" Cuccini.
- [Voiceover] Or if you
prefer the bungalow-type,
we've got that too,
400 feet of it.
All together, room for
thousands of guests.
- [Mike] Or chickens, typically.
- [Voiceover] Seriously,
housing your chickens
is important, whether they're
egg or meat producers,
they aught to have three or
four square feet per bird,
depending on the breed.
- [Crow] Open your hymnals to number 325.
- [Voiceover] They got
to have roosts, too,
but they huddle pretty close together
and two or three birds can
perch on one foot of space.
- [Tom] Everybody, soylent
green is made from chickens!
- [Voiceover] One of the
most important advances
every made in poultry
raising is the trapnest.
The bird can enter the
next easily to lay her egg,
but she can't get out again,
until you let her out.
- [Tom] There's not
point, it's just funny.
- [Voiceover] This simple
device permits you to know
which birds lay which eggs,
and to keep a record of
each hen's egg production.
- [Crow] Which seems
excessively anal-retentive.
- [Voiceover] The whole secret
of profitable chicken raising
is to make them produce
more than they cost to feed.
- [Tom] You think I can wear
these pants out tonight?
- [Voiceover] A hen that
lays 210 eggs a year
and eats 70 pounds of feed, is giving you
three eggs for every pound you feed her.
- [Mike] She will live.
- [Voiceover] Keep that one.
- [Crow] She's worth millions.
- [Voiceover] But if she
eats 70 pounds of feed
and only lays 70 eggs a year,
you better send her to the market
or to your dinner table.
- [Crow] Or put a
warning slip on her desk.
- [Voiceover] And it's
the trapnest that lets you
keep record of how well
each hen is laying.
- [Mike] I'll have an egg
tomorrow, man, I swear.
- [Voiceover] It's men
like this, too, that help
in developing the chicken of tomorrow.
- [Tom] There, go have little fun.
- [Voiceover] You can't
take it for granted
that every hen is earning her keep,
even though laying an egg aught to be easy
for any chicken.
- [Voiceover] That's
what you think, big boy.
- [Crow] That was weird.
- [Mike] Yeah.
- [Voiceover] Well, anyhow,
the trapnest's the answer
to discovering which are the lazy hens,
and this is a good place to point out
a few facts about eggs.
- [Mike] Stop throwing them at my car.
- [Voiceover] The temperature
of an egg when laid
is over 100 degrees.
- [Tom] Oh it's true.
- [Voiceover] Every minute
it's left in a hot nest
in a hot hen house takes
away some of its moisture
and freshness.
- [Crow] So put your
mouth under a chicken.
- [Voiceover] Gather your eggs often,
three or four times a day.
- [Crow] Makes sure to put
them all in one basket.
(bright orchestra music)
- [Voiceover] And they'll
cool out twice as fast
in a wire basket, as in a pail.
- [Tom] These are headed
for the driving range.
- [Voiceover] Clean eggs
bring a better price
than dirty ones and when
you gather them often,
they don't get a chance to get dirty.
- [Tom] Unless filthy
Fred, there, collects them.
- [Voiceover] The secret
of profitable eggs
is to cool them quickly
and keep them cool.
- [Tom] Yeah, I'm cool, baby.
- [Voiceover] And keep them clean.
- [Crow] Lick your eggs or
have a friend lick them.
(laughing)
- [Voiceover] When
you've got as many birds
to look after as this hatchery
your pretty receptive
to labor-saving devices.
- [Tom] Like wagons.
- [Voiceover] And this carrier
system is one of the best.
It runs the length of the building
and is used to carry feed
to the different pens.
It can be used also for
gathering up manure.
Saves a lot of back-breaking work.
- [Tom] Hey, pal, feed me,
then clean up my poops.
- [Crow] There's your appetizers.
I'll be back to get your
drink orders, Ladies.
- [Voiceover] Another labor saver is
the automatic watering trough.
It makes certain there
is always fresh water
for the birds to drink.
- [Mike] We're all wearing Rembrandt hats.
- [Voiceover] Still anther handy gadget
is this grading machine.
- [Crow] Grading!
- [Voiceover] You feed the eggs in
and the machine separates them by weight.
- [Tom] Uh, that one's clean, Roy.
- [Mike] Eggs are complicated.
They should cost like $100 each.
- [Voiceover] The first group will average
24 ounces to the dozen, which
is the most profitable size.
The next, 23 and a half ounces.
The next, 23 and so on.
- [Tom] Some eggs don't even exist.
- [Mike] So you can see why
egg farming is so fascinating.
- [Voiceover] Besides
being a good egg-layer,
the chicken of tomorrow will be
an improved meat producer.
- [Mike] It's Goofus and Gallant.
- [Voiceover] Here's an
example of the progress
that's been made already.
- [Crow] This could be a drumstick.
This is the number to call.
- [Voiceover] Notice how
breeding has increased
the amount of meat on the breast.
- [Tom] Hey, hey, hey, Fat Albert.
- [Voiceover] Look at that drumstick.
- [Crow] Full of salmonella.
- [Voiceover] This bird was fattened
in the same length of time
and on the same amount
of feed as the other one.
Make your own guess as to which
is the more profitable to raise.
- [Tom] Aren't chickens
with good self-esteem
equally important?
- [Voiceover] And when
the chicken of tomorrow
gets to the dinner table, its advantages
are still more apparent.
- [Mike] These chickens
were smoking in bed.
- [Crow] May I have a piece
of my own white meat, please?
- [Tom] Oh, thanks for
the generous helping.
Geez.
- [Mike] Uh, Dad, if you
could carve a little faster
I'm kind of hungry.
(grand orchestral music)
- [Crow] Yes, chicken sliced to the width
of one electron.
- [Tom] We must be in
models portions, here.
- [Mike] Miss Moss, and
for you, Miss Taylor.
- [Crow] Yes, it's chicken,
glorious American chicken sliced
the American way.
- [Mike] Carry it in your wallet.
- [Voiceover] But it's your
pocketbook that profits most
when you send this bird to market.
- [Mike] We bring you now to market.
- [Voiceover] A unique
method of marketing chickens
and eggs that's grown in popularity
in recent years is the aucition.
- [Tom] Such as here, at Sutheby's.
- [Voiceover] The first
one is said to have been
the Hunterdon County at
Flemington, New Jersey.
- [Mike] Oh, that's an urban myth.
- [Voiceover] But the idea has spread
to all parts of the country.
- [Crow] The chicken shortage of 1937.
- [Voiceover] The farmers
bring their crates of eggs
to market the day before the auction.
- [Tom] Alternatively,
they may bring their eggs
early the day of the auction.
- [Voiceover] On auction
day, the buyers gather
to purchase eggs and poultry at prices
opening arrived at.
- [Auctioneer] Bid two, two.
Two over there, two's the bid.
It's amazing.
- [Mike] You're adorable.
- 17 a quarter and a half.
It's 17 and a half.
(yelling)
- [Mike] Ross Perot or something.
- Three quarters the bid.
Two, twos the bid, now two and a quarter.
- [Tom] He's drunk.
- Here, 17's the bid!
(speaking gibberish)
(clapping)
- One and a half, one and a half, $1.75.
- [Tom] Get your hand up.
Buy a chicken.
- [Mike] I don't want one.
- [Voiceover] And after the
eggs and poultry are sold
once again the motortruck
plays its big role.
- [Crow] Alright, come on, sing, sing.
Row, row, row, you're not singing!
- [Voiceover] Hundreds of
live chickens can be speeded
on their way to the dressing plant.
- [Crow] The dressing
plant, sounds like fun.
- [Tom] I want a new hat.
(brassy orchestral music)
- [Voiceover] One truck can
handle thousands of eggs
and take them anywhere there's a market.
- [Mike] Even to the Texaco station.
- [Voiceover] Speed and
flexibility, that's what
the industry must have
in it's transportation.
- [Tom] You?
- [Voiceover] And that's
exactly what the motortruck,
fueled and lubricated with
quality petroleum products, offers.
(snoring)
- [Crow] Buddy, buddy, wake up.
Hey, buddy.
- [Voiceover] Ask any
poultryman and he'll tell you
that the industry could not
flourish as it's doing today
without the efficient fleets of trucks
that whisk baby chicks to waiting farmers.
- [Tom] To be killed.
- [Voiceover] Rush
chickens to the grocer's
and butcher's shelves.
- [Tom] To be killed.
- [Voiceover] And speed fresh eggs
to your breakfast table.
- [Mike] Did America
really need to be sold
on the automotive industry at this point?
- [Crow] There's no driver.
The chickens are taking over!
Woohoo.
(squawking)
(old orchestral music)
(creaking)
(bolts clanking)
(beeping)
(engine whirring)
(door sliding)
(chains clinking)
(door slamming)
(metal scraping)
(door closes)
- Should I be sitting astride you
with my warm and nurturing
hindquarters or anything?
- [Tom] No, no, I'm just fine.
- How-de-do, Crow.
Hey have you seen Tom around anywhere?
- [Tom] Hello, Mike,
I'm in here!
(laughing)
- Hey, Tom, how are you
doing, you okay in there?
- [Tom] Oh, more than
okay, Mike, I'm floating
in a sea of warm nutrients and I'm all set
to begin my 21 day gestation period.
I want to experience the
miracle of chicken birth, Mike.
- Yeah, plus, there's a huge market
for them egg-hatching movies.
So we got Cambot filming the whole thing.
- [Tom] Yep, yep.
- Yeah, that's, that's great.
You know, it really is
beautiful, too, Tom,
but I wish you'd told me
about it before you did this.
- [Tom] Really, why?
- Well, you're the only one that, hello?
- [Tom] Yeah, go on with your story.
- Well, I was gonna say,
three weeks without you,
you're the only one I
depend on for any kind
of urbane conversation.
- [Tom] Well, I understand, Mike,
but it's too late now.
Just put me in a warm place,
soak me in some enzymes.
- No, you know what, I
gotta get you out of there.
I can't live without you.
- [Tom] No, no, Mike, Mike,
I'm not ready to hatch yet.
I'm not fully formed, Mike!
- [Crow] Mike, be careful!
Be careful!
- [Tom] Ahhh!
(splashing)
- Oh.
- [Crow] Oh, uhh.
- What a mess.
(coughing and grunting)
We'll be right back.
- I'll go get a whole
bunch of paper towels.
- Alright, alright.
- [Tom] Oh boy.
(synth pop music)
(old orchestral music)
- [Mike] Hey, what's
this movie called, man?
- [Tom] It's call "The Brute Man".
- [Crow] Et tu, Brute Man?
(giggling)
- [Mike] Hey, man.
I'm being followed by a brute shadow.
(ominous orchestra music)
- [Tom] Randy Breuer as
Rondo Hatton as the brute.
- [Crow] Oh, working up a Rondo thirst.
(laughing)
- [Mike] Oh, he's in Mummenschanz.
- [Crow] Rondo, we're just
doing the credits, here,
could you just, Rondo?
- [Tom] He's reminiscent of a tall dwarf.
- [Mike] He hasn't done
anything brutish at all so far.
- [Tom] Yeah.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Crow] Mom, I want the
light on in the hall.
(ominous orchestral music)
- Attention, all cars.
- [Tom] That's a lot of cars.
- Attention, all cars, general alarm.
- [Tom] Kill your owners.
- [Announcer] Car 22,
go to 733 Spring Avenue.
It's a 341.
That is all.
- Car 22, we'll go.
- [Crow] Screw it, let's
go to the skyway lounge.
- 341.
- Yeah, the man says "murder".
- [Tom] I may have to
use my large face on him.
(alarm blaring)
- [Mike] Take our word
for it, a police car.
(engine roaring)
- [Tom] Ah, festive decorative lighting
adorns the downtown.
- [Crow] I gotta pass some Rondo.
- [Tom] Seems kind of bleak so far.
- [Crow] Everybody talk,
me, can't here words, say.
Pete Sampras.
(laughing)
- [Tom] Oh, imagine this
movie in a drive-in.
- [Mike] Hey, it's not a
tuition, it's a cover charge.
(laughing)
- [Crow] Hey, does anybody know
where the victory dance is?
- [Tom] Boing, boing, boing, boing.
- [Crow] I can't stop.
- [Tom] Boing, boing, boing, boing.
- [Crow] I am drawn to dance.
- [Tom] One and a two, and three, and one,
and left, and shift.
- [Mike] Boy, him and his college buddies
went bobbing for anvils.
(laughing)
- [Tom] I gotta get me some crab puffs.
- [Mike] Hey, one of
the long riders is here.
- [Crow] Uh, do you have our biogrades?
(laughing)
- [Tom] Ah, forget it,
looks like there's a wait.
- [Mike] Ah, see it's college.
- [Tom] Collegiate.
- [Crow] Boy, those no brute man laws
are really starting to pinch.
(footsteps)
- [Tom] Well, you just can't get enough
of Rondo walking, can you?
(footsteps)
- [Mike] Ah, he headed
straight to Thelma Lou's house.
- [Tom] Doing alright for his himself.
Nice colonial with an assumable.
(crowd talking loudly)
- [Crow] I did not bring any Everclear
to pour into wapatui.
- [Joan] Marvelous day.
- Thanks, Joan, just like old times.
- Yes, the old crowd and everything.
- And good old Hank is
still on the winning side.
- Don't forget we're
having lunch tomorrow.
- Oh, yes, 1 o'clock at the Carlton.
I'll be there.
- Right.
- Good night.
- [Girls] Good night!
- I'm so glad you came.
(car engine revving)
You come back soon.
Good night.
- [Crow] Oh, I don't need
any help, by the way,
I just gotta go scrape pate off everything
in the house, you pigs.
- [Mike] Bye.
- [Brute Man] Joan, do you have my pencil?
- Who is it?
- It's me.
- [Tom] Satchmo.
- Hal Moffat.
- Hal Moffat?
- [Mike] She's laced up
tighter than a catcher's mitt.
(footsteps)
- Hello, Joan.
- [Crow] What do you know, just got back
from the Broadway show.
Ta-da.
- You're not Hal Moffat.
- Yes.
- [Tom] You didn't sit on a tuffet.
- [Crow] Objects on my face may appear
closer than they really are.
- No, stay away from me!
- [Hal] I won't hurt you.
- No, no stay away!
(screaming)
- [Crow] Lift up, where belong.
Oh, I get it, no I don't.
- [Mike] Well, should be room
at the restaurant by now.
- [Tom] Chiropractor on rampage.
- [Mike] Professor
Cushman was laid to rest
in a tiny, battery-powered car.
- [Tom] Hello, this thing on?
Can you hear me, hello?
(engines roaring)
- [Crow] Be on the lookout for Rondo,
he's slightly carbonated so
you can slam him down fast.
- Attention, all cars, district 17.
All cars, district 17.
The 341 suspect mentioned
in broadcast number nine.
- [Crow] You'll recall.
- Is reported surrounded
in Woodelle Street.
700 block, move in.
- [Tom] Today's lunch menu.
- [Crow] This brute man sounds horrible.
Where can I hide?
Oh, wait, I am brute man.
(sirens wailing)
- [Mike] Cornered myself and no one's even
chasing me.
- [Tom] Exit, stage left, even.
- [Crow] The sound of a siren beckon men
from the sea.
(laughing)
- [Mike] It's not that.
- [Tom] It's a different sort of girl.
- [Mike] Tippy, tippy-tippy toe.
- [Crow] I just have a very
strong feeling he's here,
can you trust my instincts
for a minute, please?
- [Tom] If this were a planet where apes
evolved from men, this
is how you'd probably
get in your house.
(crowd talking)
- Now, keep everybody back.
- Alright, everybody back!
- [Crow] Well, I could have done that.
- [Officer] Alright, let's get back there.
- [Tom] Oh, the end is near.
So I face the final curtain.
(sorrowful piano music)
- [Crow] Boy, this mall
didn't work did it?
- [Tom] Late for my lesson.
I'll be right there, Mrs. Glasser,
the police are after me.
(sorrowful piano music)
(talking and footsteps)
- [Tom] Don't look up.
Do not attempt to look up.
(sorrowful piano music)
- [Crow] Ludwig?
- [Mike] Ella Absog is here.
(humming)
(sorrowful piano music)
- [Crow] Is that ham I smell?
- [Tom] Kind of chilly.
I think I'll shut this window.
- [Crow] Is this the
best use of man power?
(sorrowful piano music)
- [Mike] You wanna hold
that fermata a little longer
in the left hand, there.
- [Tom] Great, he's in
Van Cliburn's apartment.
(sorrowful piano music)
- [Crow] He looks like
an Easter Island statue.
- [Mike] I'm gonna take a nap, so if you
could keep it down out there.
- [Tom] Honey, we really
need to get a duplicate key.
(laughing)
- [Mike] You need a
bigger place, you know,
brute's trying to work on
his play, she's in there.
- [Crow] Women are drawn to me.
I still got it.
(footsteps)
- Who is it?
- [Crow] It's the plumber.
I've come to fix the sink.
- Don't turn on the light.
- [Tom] You should be Barry White.
- Who are you?
What do you want?
- [Brute Man] Keep quiet.
- If you're a burglar, I'm afraid
there isn't much here for you to steal.
- [Mike] I'll see if I can find something.
(footsteps)
- I'm not a burglar.
- [Tom] I'm a hot dog.
- Then what do you want?
- [Tom] Sounded like a burglar.
- You're not afraid of me?
- Well, I'm a little nervous, I guess,
but why should I be afraid of you?
(banging)
- There they are.
- Who?
- [Crow] Clog dancers.
- Some men.
- Are you in trouble?
- Yes, there after me.
(knocking)
- [Mike] He's in here.
- Go into the bedroom.
- [Tom] Wow.
- Do as I say.
- [Crow] Yes, ma'am, order me around.
- [Mike] While I escape
to the right apartment.
(door shuts)
(knocking)
- Just a minute.
(door opens)
- [Crow] Go into the bedroom.
- Yes?
- Have you seen a man around here?
- Why, no I haven't see anyone.
- Take a look in there.
- [Tom] Oh this is so legal.
- [Mike] She is too
much woman for me, man.
(door opens)
(creaking)
(light switch clunking)
- [Crow] Alright, show's over.
Nothing for me to see here, I'll just be
about my business, then, thank you.
- There's no one in there.
- You sure you haven't seen anybody?
- Yes, I'm sure.
(guns shooting)
- [Man] There he goes!
- [Another Man] Over there!
- Come on.
- [Tom] Jerry Lee Lewis moved in upstairs.
(laughing)
- [Mike] Amazing I haven't
spoken to another human
for years and now this.
(door closes)
(men shouting)
- [Crow] Oh, right in the store.
(men shouting)
- [Tom] Let's see, where was I?
Oh, oh,
holy night,
the stars.
- [Crow] The typewriter's
making weird noises.
- [Tom] Everybody says he looks like me.
(upbeat synth pop music)
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Tom] Gotta snag me
some Jimmy hats, pronto.
- [Crow] Just drop off my prescription.
- [Mike] He's one of those weird guys
who hangs around on a college scene
long after he graduates.
- [Crow] Yeah, sad.
- [Tom] Welcome back to 1910.
- [Voiceover] A woman was
murdered in the same way
as the other four victims.
Authorities have issued
a warning to all citizens
to be on the lookout for this fiend.
- [Crow] Do, be.
- [Voiceover] As far as the police know,
he only appears at night.
He's a large, heavyset man usually wearing
a black coat and hat.
Descriptions of the
creeper have been submitted
to headquarters, but these
vary to such an extent
that it's hard to give an accurate picture
of the man's face.
- [Mike] Oh, come on, what'd the twins do?
- [Voiceover] Last seen, he
was on the tenement rooftop
near the waterfront.
- [Crow] He was tanning.
- [Voiceover] And now, turning to
the other news of the day.
- [Mr. Haskins] Jimmy!
- Good morning, Mr. Haskins.
- Leave that radio alone.
Sweep up the place.
You're getting paid to work,
not entertain yourself.
- Okay, but that creeper guy murdered
somebody again last night.
- Oh, murderers, detectives, gangsters.
That's all you think about.
Get the broom.
- [Tom] I think about sex, too.
- [Mike] Eat me, a hateful old fossil.
Signed, Jimmy.
Hey.
- [Crow] Hey, the brute
has fourth grade cursive.
- [Tom] Signed, not the brute.
- [Jimmy] Yeah?
- [Crow] I didn't say anything.
- Where'd this come from?
- Somebody stuck it under the door.
- Oh.
- [Crow] I hate customers!
- Don't you think it's kind of funny?
(giggling)
They leave a note under the door?
- No.
- [Tom] Go to hell.
- And don't go trying to
make a mystery out of it.
- [Crow] Piss off!
- Somebody probably too
busy to pick up the stuff.
- Could be the creeper.
- Creeper, creeper, creeper.
You give me the creeps.
- [Crow] Zinga.
- Well, it could be.
That'd be a swell reason why he wouldn't
want to see anybody or come out,
except at night.
- You just gotta deliver these groceries,
and don't forget the money.
A dollar and a quarter.
- [Mike] Why do you hire
me if you hate me so?
- Okay, but I still think it might--
- I know, so he's the creeper.
You just creep along with that,
I mean, hurry up with that stuff,
and then get back here and
do the rest of your work!
- [Crow] Dear God, I hate you!
I hope you die!
- [Tom] Crusty little bastard, probably
needs somebody to whip.
(laughing)
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Mike] Hey a pony keg, alright.
- [Tom] Oh, it's just magnificent when
the tall ship come into the harbor.
- [Crow] Meanwhile, on Il Trovatore.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Mike] Okay, let me
see 23 Pestilence Way.
(knocking)
- [Brute Man] Leave it outside.
- [Tom] Hello, Dolly.
(paper rustling)
- [Brute Man] How much?
- A dollar and a quarter.
(door opens)
- [Crow] Here's a toenail.
(door closes)
- [Brute Man] Go away.
- [Mike] Have a nice day.
- [Tom] Shucks, I guess
no one likes me today.
- [Crow] Is it me?
Am I sending off hostile vibes?
(door opens)
(door creaking)
- [Mike] I really
shouldn't do this when I'm
on the crapper.
(door creaking)
- [Tom] Man, this menu's hard to read.
Let's see, lobster, 24 bucks?
Wow.
(paper rustling)
- [Crow] Aw, great, eight
o'clock coffee, god.
- [Tom] They forgot my fruit brute cereal.
(ominous orchestral music)
(gasps)
the Shroud of Turine.
- [Crow] Say, you might
want to check the freshness
on that mayonnaise.
I got it out of the back and, hey.
- [Tom] Should I have tipped him?
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Crow] He's Big Head
Todd and the Monster.
- [Tom] Hey, take two, look at that.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Mike] Okay, okay, okay, don't blow it.
I've got a real possibility
of a free back break here.
I'm gonna breathe.
- [Crow] A scene from Brother's Keeper.
- [Tom] Alright, relax,
it's about something
we haven't done a whole
lot of times before.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Mike] Okay you're there.
Stay out of your own head, now,
hands up to ten and two,
into the creeping position.
(scary orchestral music)
- [Crow] A promising delivering career
comes to an end.
- [Tom] There's very little
chance he flanked me.
I can't imagine him doing that.
(muffled yelling)
- [Mike] Hey, your hand
smells like pennies.
- [Crow] And some prune
juice, Metamucil, Correctol,
Fibercon, Go Easy, and then, thank you.
- Thank you, Miss Hart.
(paper rustling)
- [Mike] Weathered bitch.
- Oh, boy.
- [Mike] You know, by itself,
that doesn't establish much.
- You'll send Jimmy over
with the rest of that order
won't you, Mr. Haskins?
- Yes, I will, if he ever gets back from
that errand I sent him on.
He's been gone nearly two hours.
- Well, that's the boy for you.
These days, they can't
seem to keep their minds
on their work.
Good day, Mr. Haskins.
- Good day, Miss Hart.
- [Tom] Let's go out,
be crotchety sometime.
- [Mike] Oh man, she's
a fine piece of woman.
- [Crow] God is dead?
Good! Ha!
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Tom] Ha, look at that.
Philanthropist laid.
It's always a philanthropist.
Rock stars and philanthropists, wow.
- [Mike] Erma Bombeck has a good point.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Crow] How about Captain
Flash or Captain Rocket?
Captain M.J. Donelly just doesn't do it
for a superhero.
(door closes)
How are things in homicide?
- Good morning, Captain.
- I'll bet you think it's good.
- [Tom] You.
- But does that beaming purse of yours
mean that you have some good news?
- Huh-uh, bad news.
Its on the way.
I just saw Commissioner Salisbury
parking his car outside.
The mayor's secretary is with him.
Just thought I'd let you know, give you
at least two minutes to
think up a good story.
- [Mike] Nah, nah, nah.
- Hold it, Lieutenant, come back here.
- Who, me?
- Yeah, you.
- [Crow] Who put the
cookie in the cookie jar?
- After all, I assigned
you to the creeper murders,
and I need a partner in this
little game of buck passing.
By the way, just what have you done toward
apprehending the murderer?
- Are you kidding?
You know what we've done.
We're operating the biggest dragnet
in the history of crime in this city.
- Well, it isn't big enough, you haven't
caught the creeper yet.
(door opens)
I want every available
man in the homicide burrow
put to work on this case immediately.
- Now wait, I--
- I don't want excuses.
I want the creeper in
jail within 24 hours,
or they'll be some
changes made around here.
- [Tom] Yeah, midgets.
- Oh, good morning, Commissioner.
Good morning, Mr. Parkington.
- Good morning.
- Captain Donelly.
- Your looking fine, Commissioner.
And how's the Missus?
I trust she's feeling as good you look.
- She's not, she's scared to death
like every other woman in town,
since wholesale murder has
the peace departments stymied.
- I presume you refer
to the creeper murders.
- You presume right.
I've come here to find out why a killer
can terrorize an entire city,
while the police department
twiddles its thumbs.
- Oh, well, now, I wouldn't exactly call
what we were doing "thumb
twiddling", Commissioner.
- [Mike] Rochester.
- [Parkington] Then just what
would you call it, Captain?
- [Tom] Thumb wrestling.
- His honor, the mayor,
would like to know.
- Now if you gentlemen
will please sit down,
I'll try to bring you up
to date on the creeper.
- We are up to date on the creeper.
We know that you haven't arrested him,
and his honor, the mayor,
delivered an ultimatim
to Commissioner Salisbury this morning.
He demanded action within 24 hours.
If none is forthcoming, he will ask
for the commissioner's resignation.
- And I'm telling you,
Donelly, if you don't
turn up something to quiet public opinion
before tomorrow, your job
won't be worth a pumpernickel.
- [Crow] Get his puffer!
- Exactly what I was
telling Lieutenant Gates
when you came in, wasn't I, Lieutenant?
- Yes, sir, you were,
and I'll pass the word
right on down the line until every man
in the department knows exactly
where this thing stands.
You can depend on me, Gentemen.
- Very well.
Shall we go, Commissioner?
- [Crow and Tom] We
represent the Lollipop Guild,
the Lollipop Guild.
- How'd I do?
- Great, we're still a good team.
- [Tom] That was a long, dull scene.
(phone rings)
Congratulations.
- Homicide, Captain Donelly speaking.
- [Mike] No, you're
looking for armed robbery.
- Okay, okay, we'll look into it.
(phone clicks)
Everybody in town's got creeper-itis.
- Who was it?
- Some grocer down near the waterfront
thinks the creeper might have knocked off
his delivery boy.
- [Crow] So?
Creeper, creeper, creeper.
- We just have time to go
down there before lunch.
(upbeat synth pop music)
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, how long you gonna be
on that phone, there,
Tex, because I'm expecting
an important phone call
from Sheri, my realtor,
about the duplex and all.
- Yeah, that's great, but listen, Tom,
I had the idea, hey, we have a phone.
Why not call someone like
my old girlfriend, Karla,
and she could help us get down from here.
- Oh, that's a cute idea, too, Mike,
but keep it around 30 seconds, will you,
because Sheri's probably
trying to get a hold of me.
(phone dialing)
- Yeah, whatever, it's fine.
- [Voiceover] Hello?
- Oh, hi, Karla.
Hey it's me, Mike Nelson.
- [Voiceover] Mike!
Hi!
How are you?
- I'm good.
Hey, listen very carefully,
this is gonna sound weird,
but I'm trapped up in space--
- [Voiceover] Oh, hang on, Mike,
my little boy, Matthew,
wants to say "hi" to you.
- Well, no, this is kind of--
- [Voiceover] Go ahead, Matthew.
(heavy breathing)
Say "hi" to Mike.
- Hi, Matt.
- [Voiceover] Say, "Hi, Mike."
- Hi.
- [Voiceover] Say, "Hi, Mike."
- Hi.
- [Voiceover] Hi.
- Hi, could you give the
phone back now, please, Matt?
(high voice babbling)
That's great, Matt, that's terrific,
sounds like fun.
Hey, could you give the
phone back to your mom, now?
(high voice babbling)
Great, uh-huh.
Give the phone back, Matt!
- Mike, let me take care of this,
let me take care of this.
Matt, can you hear me?
- [Voiceover] Yeah.
- Listen, Son, hang up the phone.
I'm trying to get a hold
of my realtor, Sheri, okay?
- [Voiceover] Okay, bye.
- No, don't hang up, Matt!
(dial tone droning)
Now look what you've done!
This was our chance to get down.
(alarm buzzing)
- What'd I do?
It's only my realtor, for crying out loud.
(engine whirring)
(metal scraping)
(door slams)
(chains clinking)
(liquid dripping)
(door sliding)
(beeping)
(bolts clanking)
- [Crow] Creeper, creeper.
- [Tom] Oh, I do the best stir fry.
You're in for a treat, my little
delivery-boy friend.
- [Mike] Hey, wake up, sunshine.
- [Crow] Oh, he used the
last set of clean sheets.
(ominous orchestral music)
(engine rumbling)
- [Tom] Oh, no, the apaches.
(engine rumbling)
- [Mike] This is a noisy apartment.
- [Lieutenant] Here's number 23, Donelly.
- [Crow] Be quiet, we
have to sneak up on him.
(water lapping)
- [Tom] So, I got time to snag a sturgeon?
- [Crow] Come on, here, boy.
Heel.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Mike] Oh, I forgot about
the realtor coming over.
- [Crow] I'll just push
the body under the rug,
and give it a lick and promise.
- [Tom] Hate to leave my boards behind.
(footsteps)
- [Mike] I door-knocked out
here for Wellstone, once.
- [Crow] Hey, it's Katie May.
(door handle rattling)
- [Tom] Hello?
(doorknob rattling)
- [Donelly] Come on, open up in there.
- [Crow] Oh no.
(door breaking)
- [Mike] Beep, beep.
Alert, intruder, alert, intruder.
- [Crow] Hmm, what a
really good plant house.
- [Tom] The crawl space is a little wet,
but there's a sump pump.
- [Mike] I hate these shared bathrooms.
(ominous orchestral music)
- Look.
- [Crow] Can it wait?
I'm fixing eggs.
- [Crow] Does this body mean anything?
(footsteps)
- [Mike] Okay, I looked.
Happy?
- The creeper again.
- Yep.
From the looks of that coffee pot,
he can't be far away.
- [Tom] He never leaves half a pot.
- Round up some men and start
combing the neighborhood
and I'll have a look around here.
- Okay.
- [Crow] Where are those filters?
- [Mike] Oh, god, the creepers bedpan.
- [Tom and Crow] Oh, eww.
(footsteps)
- [Tom] Well, that does it.
My investigation's complete.
- [Crow] Say, you're one good-looking man.
Who loves you, baby?
Oh, a zit there.
(door opens)
- [Mike] Hi, guy.
- [Tom] Look at all
these Lanecome products.
(paper rustling)
- [Crow] These three saw
Popular Trio, recently.
- [Tom] Popular Trio
still under investigation.
- [Mike] Oh, man, yeah, they were popular.
So full of life, it was
great to be around them.
Well, I'll look for more clues.
- [Crow] Oh, he sure is into coupons.
- [Mike] Look at this, he put
applesauce in his meatloaf.
That's a terrific idea.
- [Tom] Yep, sure is creeping, there.
- [Crow] Oh, damn, where's that northern?
I had it chained up right here.
(footsteps)
- [Mike] No, I won't talk to you anymore.
(water swishing)
- [Tom] Well, looks
like we combed the area.
(laughing)
- I'm going to call
headquarters for more men.
We'll give the whole district
a house to house canvas.
- [Crow] That'll take a
very large canvas, sir.
- [Tom] Say, anybody know
where the AJ Fiske and Son
Sausage Company is?
And who is walking on my bridge?
(gasp)
- [Tom] Boss delighted.
- [Crow] "Where is olive
loaf?", people demand.
(scary orchestral music)
- [Mike] Boy, you know,
murder clues may lead
to creeper.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Tom] Meanwhile, the thin
man arrives at the White House,
and his brother.
- [Crow] Nice knockers, huh?
- [Mike] Love that joke.
(laughing)
(knocking)
- [Crow] Trick or treat for UNICEF.
(door opens)
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
- Are you Mr. Clifford Scott?
- Yes.
- Captain Donelly, Homicide Burrow,
and Lieutenant Gates.
Mind if we come in?
- Not at all, come right in.
- Thank you.
- [Mike] We were wondering why you weren't
wearing a hat.
(door closes)
- [Tom] Tom Dewey, at home.
- What can I do for you gentlemen?
- I believe you can give us
some important information
if you will.
- I don't know what this is all about
but I'll be glad to help
in any way that I can.
Shall we go into the living room?
- Thank you.
- [Tom] It's just this way about a mile.
- What is it, Clifford?
- I don't know yet, dear.
These gentlemen are from
the police department.
They say they'd like to
ask me some questions.
Captain Donelly,
Lieutenant Gates, my wife.
- How do you do?
- You can help us, too, Mrs. Scott.
- I?
- Yes.
I take it you've read about the murders
committed by a character
the newspapers call
"the creeper"?
- Why, yes.
- We stumbled onto something this morning.
- [Crow] We stubbed our toe.
- This leads me to believe you can
help us identify him.
- You mean it's someone we know?
- I think so.
What was your class at Hampton University?
- 1930.
- You were in that class,
too, weren't you, Mrs. Scott?
- Yes.
- And you had a classmate
named Hal Moffat?
Remember him?
- He was a good friend of ours.
- [Mike] He sat on a tuffet.
- We have an idea that
Hal Moffat is the creeper.
- Hal?
- No, he couldn't be.
- We found this in his shack, among some
of this other things.
Apparently, he'd been
keeping it for some time.
- [Tom] Let me see here.
I'm Hal Moffet, I'm the creeper.
What do you know?
(paper rustling)
- [Clifford] I remember
when this was taken.
Was right after a football game.
- Yes, it was the day Hal almost
won the game single-handed.
- Two people from that college
were killed by the creeper.
Professor Cushman and a
woman named Joan Bemis.
- We knew Joan quite well.
- I thought you might of.
When did you last see Hal Moffat?
- [Mike] He was eating curds and whey.
- We haven't seen him for years.
- No, he just disappeared.
- [Donelly] Disappeared?
- Well, none of us has seen him since
his last year in college.
You see, something happened to Hal.
- [Donelly] What?
- [Crow] He graduated.
- He was probably our best friend.
- [Mike] If I'm thinking of the right guy.
- His last year at Hampton, he was captain
of the football team.
- [Tom] Here we go.
- [Clifford] In the
final game of the season,
we were playing Rensler for
the Compton's championship.
Sports writers picked Hal
for All-American honors.
If they had any doubt about
it, the game he played
against Princeton won their votes.
- [Crow] Harpo!
- [Clifford] Hal had a quick
temper, but it certainly
paid off on the football field.
- [Crow] Sieg, Heil!
- [Clifford] He was all over the place,
blocking, backing up his
line, passing so much
we were dizzy, and up
to the fourth quarter,
had scored three touchdowns
and brilliant broken
field runs.
- [Tom] 14 RBIs and three assists.
- [Clifford] Three times he
converted for extra points.
Score stood: Hampton, 21, Rensler, seven.
- [Mike] Okay, great, right there.
Don't move it, no, you moved it, no.
(crowd cheering)
- [Crow] Ah, hang on, I'm having a private
flashback right now, I'll get back to you.
(whistling)
(yelling)
- [Clifford] Hal's temper
made him a lot of enemies,
but this year, everyone was his friend.
He was one of the best
players Hampton ever produced
and we were proud of him.
- [Tom] Ah, sir, this is really neat,
(gun firing)
but could we get back to
the murder case?
(crowd cheering)
- [Clifford] Hal and I
were very close friends,
and there was only one catch to it.
We were both in love with Virginia,
and to complicate matters, Joan Bemis
was madly in love with Hal.
- [Crow] A football.
- [Clifford] We were going
to celebrate that night,
the four of us.
- [Mike] We each had patty melts.
- [Clifford] I had a date with Virginia,
but Hal did a little conniving.
He picked her up in his car and didn't
arrive until the evening was half over,
leaving Joan and me to amuse ourselves
by staring at each other across the table.
- [Tom] Ridiculous, huh?
- [Clifford] Of course,
he had a story ready
when they did get there.
He always had a story,
and knowing his temper,
I seldom challenged him.
- Hi.
- [Crow] Well, what do you mean by that?
- I'm sorry we're late, folks, but I had
some car trouble and couldn't seem
to find out what it was.
All of a sudden, it
started, just like that.
You know how it is, Cliff, old boy.
- [Clifford] Hal did the scoring again,
just like he did on the
field that afternoon.
- [Crow] So tell me about this cat poster,
apparently, the cat's hanging on a stick.
- [Mike] Jag off, jerk.
- [Clifford] Hal and I were roommates.
He was the athlete and I was a scholar.
- [Crow] Let's make lots of money.
- [Clifford] I used to help
him a lot with his studies.
It's an old college custom,
keeping football stars
eligible to play.
It wasn't because Hal was dumb.
- [Tom] But he was.
- [Clifford] He was just
to impatient to study hard.
On the football, he got action quick,
but you can't stiff-arm
your way through a flock
of chemistry problems.
- Yep, I got a very
heavy date with Virginia
right after chemistry class, and boy,
have I got plans.
- [Tom] Did I ask?
- [Clifford] Hal did some boasting,
and I did some thinking.
Then he made the mistake of asking me
to check his chemistry answers.
I saw a chance to keep him from having
that date with Virginia.
His answers were right, but I fixed that.
I gave him a set of wrong ones, and he
memorized them very carefully for the
verbal quiz scheduled for the next day.
- [Mike] So you're a big fat jerk.
- Hydrochloric acid, sulfuric acid,
and nitric acid are all catalytic agents.
- Very good, Mr. Scott.
- [Tom] But I didn't ask.
- Mr. Moffat.
- [Crow] Sit on my tuffet.
(desk clunks)
- Sulfuric acid, when combined
with H four and seven,
will form a solution of hydrochloric acid.
- [Mike] Mr. Moffat, I have never spanked
a senior before until now.
- You better remain
after class, Mr. Moffat.
You seem to have everything wrong today.
Class dismissed.
- [Tom] He'll never suspect me.
- [Clifford] Hal realized
that I'd crossed him up.
He was accustomed to being a winner,
never a loser.
He was plenty angry
because I'd outsmarted him
and he showed it.
- [Crow] I'm gonna grow
an ugly face and kill you.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Clifford] Professor
Cushman put Hal to work
on a difficult experiment
that would keep him busy
the rest of the afternoon.
And just to needle him, I walked Virginia
past the laboratory window.
- [Mike] Oh, you're a good friend.
- [Clifford] The look he gave us told me
I'd better get away from there quick.
You could never tell what he'd do
when his temper flared.
- [Crow] Come on, let's
go throw cigarette butts
at the monkeys.
(orchestral swell)
(glass shattering)
- [Crow] Ha!
- [Mike] Out, vile jelly.
- [Tom] Am I okay?
Yeah, I think I am.
- [Clifford] This time,
it brought tragedy.
- [Crow] Do you want the lab notes?
- [Clifford] We visited
him in the hospital,
and tried to talk to him,
but he wouldn't answer.
He just lay there, staring up at us.
The doctors told us
that the chemicals might
affect certain glands and
nerves, and if they did,
his features would never be normal again.
- [Donelly] And you hadn't
seen him since then?
- No, he left the hospital
after several weeks
and just dropped out of sight.
- Did the doctors tell you
anything else about him,
I mean, about his mental state?
- Oh, yes.
- [Tom] He was mental.
- One of them did say
that Hal was pretty bitter
when he left.
- Yeah.
- [Crow] I wonder why.
- A thing like that could very easily
have affected his mind.
And if he is the creeper, I guess
that's what happened.
- You mean, he may have
killed Professor Cushman
just because he kept him
after class that day?
- Possibly.
- [Mike] I'm not telling.
- The mental quirk can develop into an
extreme case of paranoia.
- [Tom] So quit looking at me.
- You say he was in love with you?
- Well, I don't know.
I never took Hal very seriously because
Cliff and I were in love with each other.
- [Crow] It's over now.
- I see.
Well, thank you very
much for the information
you've given.
- [Mike] It was long-winded and pointless
but, thank you.
(footsteps)
- [Tom] Say, do you have
a statue I could borrow?
(door creaking)
- Oh, I'm going to have your place watched
day and night for a while, Mr. Scott.
- You mean, he might come here?
- You never can tell what a man will do
when his mind's affected.
Better to be on the safe side.
He might hold you responsible
for what happened.
After all, you gave him the wrong answers.
- Yes, I did.
- Well, don't let it upset you.
We won't let anything happen, and you will
explain to Mrs. Scott about my men
covering the place?
She might think they're prowlers.
- Surely.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- [Crow] Is there anything I
could have done differently?
(door closes)
(cars passing)
- [Tom] I have often walked
down this street before.
Feet stay beneath the pavement before.
On the street where you live.
- [Mike] I thought I'd look up and it'd
remind me of something, but no.
- [Crow] Yes, I'll join band.
(sad orchestral music)
- [Tom] Evening, creeper.
- [Crow] Hi, person.
(sad orchestral music)
River wide, oh.
(sad orchestral music)
- [Tom] Ah, the Joan Rivers collections.
- [Mike] Man, how to those
things get off the ground?
- [Tom] That's a good question.
- [Crow] I'm going to get a big facial.
- [Mike] How do you, what
is this, oh, it's a door.
- Be right with you.
- [Tom] I gotta lay some cable.
- [Mike] Have a bra fitter on tonight?
(ominous orchestral music)
- See something you like, mister?
- [Crow] Yeah, but it not on menu.
- [Tom] I'm looking for a rig to make
my head look dainty.
- That's a very fine piece, my friend,
and very reasonable.
You can have it for--
- [Tom] 35 uglies, I mean, dollars!
- What's the matter?
- Nothing, I was just
going to say that you
can buy it for practically nothing.
- How much?
- To you, 12 dollars and a half.
- I'll take it.
I'll pay you for it tomorrow.
- Sorry, I don't do business that way.
- You don't trust me?
- In my business, it's too expensive.
- [Tom] Is he Dvorak?
- Put it back or I'll call the police.
(grabbing)
(orchestral swell)
- Help! Help!
- [Crow] Okay, tomorrow's
fine, fine, fine!
(car passing)
(ominous orchestral music)
Evening, creeper.
- [Tom] I, fellow.
- [Mike] Wow, the world
sure was dingy back then.
(singing)
(ominous orchestral music)
Just like Toots Thielemans.
- [Crow] Thank you.
- [Mike] Rondo Hatton
in Barefoot in the Park.
- [Tom] I wonder what the
odds are that I live here.
- [Woman] Who's there?
- It's me.
- [Crow] Mr. Creeper.
- [Woman] Oh, I'm glad.
- [Tom] No, I take that back.
- Come in.
- [Mike] Boy, what a day I've had.
I gotta say, I'm all creeped out.
- I was worried about you.
I mean, those men who were after you.
- Thanks for helping me.
I brought you something.
- Oh, thank you.
What is it?
- Why don't you look at it?
- You see, I'm blind.
- [Tom] Lemon Jefferson.
- Blind?
- [Tom] Lead me on.
- I thought you might have
guessed it last night.
What did you bring me?
- Here.
- [Crow] It's a View-Master.
- [Tom] Did you keep the receipt?
- Oh, it's beautiful, I can tell.
(strained orchestral music)
Please, let's sit down.
- [Crow] Oh, does he string
krill through his mouth?
- [Mike] Big baleen.
- [Tom] So do we make out now, or?
- Why were those men chasing you?
- They'd thought I'd done something,
but it wasn't my fault.
- Oh, I'm sure it wasn't.
- [Mike] Creeper, may I call you "creep"?
- I don't know if I should
accept this from you.
You haven't even told me your name.
- It's Hal.
- Mine's Helen.
- [Crow] We're engaged now, right?
- Last night you seemed surprised because
I wasn't afraid of you.
What's wrong, Hal?
Should I be afraid?
- [Tom] Might be a good idea.
- Everyone else is.
- [Mike] Well, now I am.
- [Helen] Why?
- I can't tell you.
- [Crow] It's a surprise.
- Do you wanna be friends with me?
- [Tom] Gee, I don't know,
I have so many, well, okay.
- Sure, you're nice to me.
- And no one else is, is that it?
- [Tom] The coy Rondo Hatton.
- I think I understand.
- [Crow] You're a hideous murderer.
- When you've been blind as long as I have
you learn to see through your senses.
- [Mike] I sense through my sweat glands.
- I can't explain it exactly,
but you get a feeling
about people when you meet them.
You see a picture of them in your mind.
- [Tom] Picturing a grouper.
- Not just what they look
like, but what they really are.
- [Crow] And what size hat they wear.
- You see, them much more clearly
then you do with your eyes.
- [Tom] No, you don't.
- Maybe that's why they
say "looks are deceptive".
- [Tom] No, they're not.
- Do you know what I mean?
- [Crow] You're smothering me.
- Yes, I know.
- I'd like to help you, if you'd let me.
- You can.
- How?
- Just let me come to see you.
- Of course, I want you to.
I'm alone most of the time, except
when I give piano lessons.
- [Tom] Or when I'm at umpire school.
- I have such a good idea of you now,
but if I could touch your face, then--
- No, don't do that.
- Why not?
- I don't want you to.
- [Crow] I'm breaking out, okay?
- Hal.
- [Mike] You're wearing
Drakkar Noir, aren't you?
(door shuts)
- Hal.
- [Tom] Open the pod bay door, Hal.
Hmm, Miss Helen Creeper.
(strained orchestra music)
(moves to ominous orchestral music)
- [Crow] Refused to use articles.
- [Tom] A police wrong.
(scary orchestra music)
- [Crow] Or your money back!
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Mike] The haunting creeper theme.
- [Crow] Come on, I
didn't mean to break it.
I thought it was in park.
- Well, good morning, Commissioner.
Good morning, Mr. Parkington.
I thought you'd be dropping
by about this time.
- So, you're sitting
here playing Gin Rummy
with another creeper
murder on the front page
of the newspapers.
- I think better when I'm enjoy my hobby.
I'm a pigeon fancier.
- [Tom] What is this scene for?
- Now, listen to me,
Donelly, we told you--
- I know, I know, you told me already
that you wanted the creeper
arrested within 24 hours.
Well, gentlemen, he's still at large.
- Now, I suppose the bear
and yourself have decided
to take over, personally.
No doubt, you'll have
the killer in custody in
10 minutes flat.
I'll just let the newspapers
know that it's in your lap.
- Now, just a minute, Captain, let's not
be hasty about this.
- You don't mean, that
his honor, the mayor,
wouldn't relish the job,
that you wouldn't like
to take over?
- That's beside the point, the entire city
is up in arms, and the creeper
goes on killing people.
Now, I'm a reasonable man, Donelly.
- I'm glad to hear it, Commissioner.
- [Mike] It's uncle Charlie.
- Now that the pressure's
off, I can let you know
that we have the first definite clues
to the identity of the creeper.
- Who is it?
- Yes, who is it?
- I said "clue", Gentlemen.
When I'm certain, I'll
give you the lowdown,
and I believe it'll be soon.
That's all I can tell you at the moment.
Now, if you'll excuse
me, I have Gates on the
triple blitz.
- [Crow] I'm beginning to lose my trust
in government.
- [Tom] Nice to know that Noel Coward's
in charge of the police force.
(door closes)
- Why didn't you let them know
about the newspaper clippings?
- What, and have those publicity hounds
filling the front pages
with a lot of stuff
that would scare the
creeper right out of town?
(synth pop music)
(moves to ominous orchestral music)
- [Mike] Well, that sex
was very serviceable
and reliable, thank you.
- [Tom] Why, hello, creeper.
- [Crow] Hi, creeper.
- [Tom] Hi.
(ominous orchestral music)
What, did this take place in Alaska?
There's no daylight.
- [Crow] I can't believe
she makes me go outside
to smoke a cigarette.
- [Mike] I'd better go
drop off the instructions
for the brooch.
- [Tom] Welcome to the
creeper arms apartments.
(ominous orchestral music)
- One and two and three and four and--
- [Crow] She's not a
very good singer, is she?
- [Mike] The song's got something to do
with it, too.
- One and two and three and four and
one and two and three and four and,
that's find, Dorothy, just fine.
- [Mike] That'll be 600 dollars.
- She's coming along very
nicely, Mrs. Obringer.
- [Tom] She is?
- You'll be playing the
classics before you know it.
- I don't wanna play that stuff,
I wanna play boogie-woogie.
- Well, you can play
that, too, as a hobby,
but first, you must master the things
that are solid.
- But boogie-woogie is
solid, really sensual.
- Hush, dear.
Put your music away, we're going home now.
She get's that from her father, he plays
hot trumpet in the fireman's band.
Come along, dear.
- [Tom] Why do you not open, door?
(door opens)
- We'll see you next
week at the same time,
I'll see that she practices like you
told her to, Miss Helen.
- I'll be right in the groove.
- Oh, Dorothy.
Good night.
- Good night.
- [Crow] Hey, fellow, why the long face?
- [Mike] Oh, now, come on.
- [Crow] (laughing) I'm sorry.
- [Mike] I begged you not to do that.
- [Crow] No.
- [Tom] That hurts.
If the hands of time.
(sad piano music)
- [Mike] You have a
real problem with that.
- [Crow] Hi, Amaire.
- [Tom] Uh, you want to
use a different fingering
not to break up the phrasing.
Uh, look, Helen, other
girls in the sorority
asked me to talk to you
about your incessant
piano playing.
- [Crow] She can't hear him?
She's the most inefficient blind person
I've ever seen.
- [Tom] Boy, you think you're God's gift
to pianos, don't you?
(soft orchestral music)
- Who is it?
- Hello.
- Oh, it's you, Hal.
I didn't hear you come in.
- I didn't knock.
- [Tom] I creeped.
- Are those men after you again?
- No, I was listening outside.
When those people left, I just walked in.
- Please, sit down.
- [Mike] I'm going to call the police.
- You make a living teaching kids to play?
- Oh, yes, I manage to get along.
- [Tom] How do you get
into that kind of thing?
- It's tough, doing that, you being
like you are.
- I love music, and I like
teaching it to others.
I don't fine my blindness too much
of a handicap.
- [Mike] Yeah, me, I'm a killer.
- Would you ever be able to see?
- [Tom] No, now, lay off!
- The doctor told me a year ago that
there might be a chance,
if I had an operation.
- Why don't you do it?
- Oh, it would be very expensive.
- [Mike] And the insurance company
considers it cosmetic.
- How much?
- A lot of money.
So much that I don't even think
about it anymore.
- If you could see you'd...
- [Mike] Nah, I can't
take anything right now.
- What were you going to say, Hal?
- Nothing.
- [Tom] Just where's
your little boys room?
- What's wrong, Hal?
Why don't you want me to see you?
Are you afraid?
- Yeah, I'm afraid.
- But why?
- You'd know, if you could see me.
- Well, if I'm not afraid of you now,
why would I be if I could see you?
- You would be.
Everybody else is.
- Then it's probably just as well
that I'm blind.
- Don't you have any idea how much
that operation would cost?
- Oh, the doctor said it would be two
or three thousand dollars, at least.
- [Crow] But I'd rather have a car.
- I'm going now.
- Hal.
- Yeah?
- If you'd just let me touch your face
I'm sure that--
- [Mike] Why, it feels like air.
- [Tom] Man, he must really be a woofer.
Woof, woof.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Crow] I like myself, I am beautiful.
I like myself, I am beautiful.
- [Mike] Oh, what's this, a zit?
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Crow] Hey, you must know
how he feels, huh, Servo?
- [Tom] Hey!
(laughing)
- [Mike] That's pretty good.
- [Tom] Yup, sorry about
all this, Mrs. Lot.
Really a shame, isn't it?
- [Mike] Creeper's
branched off into stalking.
- [Crow] The creeper
must approach the house
cautiously, so as not
to startle the house.
- [Mike] Save the coupons?
- [Tom] Sure, how do you
think I got this great house?
- [Mike] I think the movie's stuck.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Crow] Here, me in hydrangea bush.
(footsteps)
- [Tom] Rondo hat in July.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Mike] Showing the same great form
that allowed him to rush
200 yards against Yale.
(footsteps)
- [Crow] I don't think
she's gonna come out
and give me that good night kiss.
- [Tom] Turn on the hose and stick it
in the mail slot.
(giggling)
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Crow] Wow, what a great set of lamps.
(ominous orchestral music)
Geez, I keep smoking the same cigarette.
- [Tom] Why can't Burnet Realty have
a normal open house?
- [Crow] Again, it's the
Cheyenne Social Club.
- [Tom] He can't decide if he's a creeper,
or peeper, a stalker, a
walker, a back-breaker.
- [Crow] In today's job
market, you can't afford
not to diversify.
- [Mike] Into some deep creeping, here.
- [Tom] Well, no one showed
up for my 1870's party.
- [Crow] I insisted on separate bedrooms,
there's no reason why my husband needs
to be anywhere near me.
I could have swore I had an appointment
to show her a vacuum cleaner.
- [Tom] No, I'm an old friend, why don't
I just go to the front door?
- [Mike] Creeper, creeper, well, it's not
a name I would have chosen for myself,
but it seems to fit.
- [Crow] Wow, these cigarettes
are really addicting.
I wonder if they know about that, huh?
(inhales)
(exhales)
- [Tom] Disgusting habit.
I mean, I've got my
own problems, but geez.
- [Mike] Oh, her hair looks like something
you'd pound meat with.
(giggling)
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Crow] Oh, sure, I can kill a guy
with my bare hands but I
can't open a Pella window.
No way.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Tom] This has got to be,
by far, his longest creep.
It's like one of those
all-day, super-endurance
ultra creeps.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Mike] Creep, there he goes.
I should get kids going on these things.
(footsteps)
- [Crow] Oh, man, I should
have bought at least
eight more cartons.
- [Tom] If it weren't for the creeping
part of his job, it'd get quite tedious.
- [Mike] Come on,
creeper, get off the pot.
- [Crow] Man, I just love these things!
(inhales)
Oh, I love cigs.
I gotta get a carton of
these for my pregnant wife.
- [Mike] Well, this isn't my
normal method of creeping,
but sometimes you gotta improvise.
- [Tom] What I love,
really, is that they're
so good for ya.
- [Crow] Hey, that guys
not a bad creeper himself.
- [Tom] I don't want to
be know as a creeper,
I want to be known as the creeper.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Crow] Oh, no, he's gonna
steal the canned pizza
for the state fair.
Creeper, creeper, creeper, creeper.
(bolts clanking)
(beeping)
(door sliding)
(liquid dripping)
(chains clinking)
(door slams)
(Metal scraping)
- Okay, this is gonna be great.
Mike, I'm gonna need your help.
See that monitor down there, could you
lift that up on the desk?
- Ah, oh, hey, there
is a monitor down here.
- Well, look at that.
- And, Cambot, if you could zip ahead
in the experiment to
that part we talked about
with the guy.
No, no, no, not that guy.
Well, he, no.
A little forward, forward.
That, that, that guy, that guy, that guy.
Now, as I believed we'd mentioned already,
this guy looks quite a bit like
former Republican presidential candidate
Thomas Dewey.
Again, he looks like Thomas Dewey, got it?
- Yeah, right.
- [Crow] Great, great.
- Yeah, it looks like Tom Dewey.
- Mike, if you could lift that picture?
See this picture back here?
Just lift that picture of Thomas Dewey.
- Hey, alright, yeah.
Tom Dewey, there you go.
- Alright, okay, now listen.
Here's what got me going.
There's this old song called
The Crimes of Tom Dooley.
Hang down your head, Tom Dooley.
Hang, yeah, etc, etc.
You know how that goes.
- Right, yeah, yeah, I think I see
where you're headed with this.
- This is gonna be fun.
So what got me to thinking was,
what would happen, if instead of singing,
"hang down your head, Tom Dooley",
you were to go ahead and sing,
"Hand down your head, Tom Dewey."
- Tom Dewey
- [Mike] Tom Dewey.
- Hang down your head and cry,
hand down your head, Tom Dewey.
Poor boy, you're bound to die.
There, you see?
- Well, that's great, Crow, you make
a real interesting point, and I think
we can all see how--
- Well, let's go ahead
and do it, then, huh?
- Well, I think you just did.
- Well, Tom, if you would sing the name,
if you want, and, Mike,
I believe it helps,
if you point to the picture.
- You're probably right.
Okay, great.
(banjo plucking)
- Hang down your head.
- Tom Dewey.
- Whee, hang down your head and cry.
Hang down your head.
- Tom Dewey.
Crow, what is your point here?
- Well, come on, use your imagination.
Why would Thomas Dewey
have to hang down his head?
Why would he be bound to die, huh?
See, it's the juxtaposition
of the two names
and there's endless examples
of this sort of fun.
Hey, here's another one.
(banjo twanging)
Hang on, Snoopy.
Snoopy, hang on.
Not sloopy, no!
It's hang, Cambot, join me.
Snoopy, Snoopy, hang on.
(upbeat synth pop music)
(moves to ominous orchestral music)
- [Crow] You know, a
creeper with decent manners
would have phone ahead.
- [Mike] This would have
moved along much faster
if he'd been called the
jaguar or the cheetah.
- [Tom] Nice pad, but I
prefer my river shack.
- [Crow] Mrs. Bates, can
Norman come out and play?
- [Mike] Oh, no, now his
creeping has just turned
into wandering.
- [Tom] Rocks move faster
than this guy, god.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Crow] Now is she in
Chip's room or Robby's?
- [Tom] Doors, you mock me, you know
I've never been able to run you.
(swelling orchestral music)
- [Crow] Look at that,
she's using a harmonica
on her nails.
Joan, hi, say, do you
have those chem notes?
- What?
- Hello, Virginia.
- [Tom] I'm hunting wabbits.
(laughing)
- Who are you?
- You don't remember me?
- No, I.
- [Mike] Oh, right, you're
my husband, of course.
- You're not Hal.
- Yeah, I've changed a little since
I last saw you, haven't I?
- Your face.
- [Crow] Yeah, like you're a total fox.
- It frightens you, doesn't it?
- I can't believe it.
- This is what you and Cliff did to me.
- But we never knew.
- [Mike] So, friends.
- Yeah, you're afraid of me, just like
all the others.
You even got a detective outside now,
to protect you from me.
- They insisted on guarding the house.
They told us you were the creeper,
that you'd killed all those people.
Joan, Professor Cushman and the others.
- [Tom] I need some Carmex, now.
- I need some money.
A lot of money.
- [Mike] Please see the bursar.
- I'll do anything I can to help you,
but we don't keep very
much money in the house.
- Cliff's doing alright for himself.
You've probably got a lot of jewels.
(car horn beeping)
- Good evening, Mr. Scott.
- Hello, I'm sorry you
have to stay out here.
- Oh, that's alright, sir, it's my job.
Good night.
- Good night.
- [Crow] By the way, you
mind if a smoke out here?
Right.
(door closes)
- Keep quiet.
- [Clifford] Virginia?
- There's Cliff.
- Tell him to come on up.
Go on.
- [Tom] But he's not
keeping quiet.
- I'm up here, Cliff.
- Okay, dear.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Tom] Oh, man, she's in the bedroom.
I can't believe it and I haven't
had anything in weeks.
(giggling)
- Hello, darling.
- [Mike] I defeated Truman today.
- What's the matter?
- Hello, Cliff.
- It's Hal.
- [Crow] A.K.A, the creeper.
A.K.A. the brute.
- Hal.
- Yeah, it's been a long time, Cliff.
- [Crow] Yeah.
- I don't blame you
for not recognizing me.
- Cliff, they were
right, he is the creeper.
He killed those people.
- [Tom] Isn't it exciting?
- Why, Hal?
What happened to you?
- Look at my face.
- Yes, but.
- That's what happened
to me, thanks to you.
- [Crow] Awkward.
- Why would you come here?
- I need money.
- I told him we'd be glad to do anything
we could to help him.
- Yes, of course.
- Get those jewels of
mine in the wall safe.
- But, alright.
They're in here.
- [Crow] Oh, great.
- [Mike] You know my
Gallery mags are in here.
- [Crow] So, what else
have you been up to?
Been creeping a lot?
(cover clunking)
- [Tom] Let's see now.
One, one, one.
(door opens)
- [Mike] I'm not giving you
my Whitey Ford rookie card.
- I'll take it.
- But it's locked.
I keep the key in the desk drawer.
- I won't need a key.
- But, Hal, there's personal papers in it.
Things of no value to you,
but very valuable to me.
I'd like to keep them if you don't mine.
- Okay, unlock it.
Remember, I'm watching you.
- [Crow] Ah, the flexible burglar.
- [Tom] So, Hal, you going
to the reunion next month?
I hear the gang's getting back together.
Joan Bemis is bringing a banjo.
Should be fun.
- [Mike] That's chemistry answers.
You won't need that.
(cover shuts)
- Here's the jewelry.
- Put up your hands.
- You--
(gun firing)
- [Crow] Oh, man, right in the mess!
- [Tom] Wow.
- [Clifford] Go and let the detective in.
(strained orchestral music)
- [Tom] Poor guy.
- I'm sorry, Hal, but I had to.
(orchestral swell)
- [Tom] Oh, I know, you're mad aren't you?
Just like when I deformed
your face, you're mad.
Kiss me, you brute man.
- Mr. Scott, Mr. Scott!
- [Crow] Do you have a cigarette?
(door rattling)
(rushing orchestra music)
- [Tom] Oh, poor fellow, probably needs
to use the bathroom.
(door rattling)
(door opens)
- What's going on, I heard a shot.
- It's Hal Moffat.
He's upstairs, my husband shot him.
- [Mike] Was he on his
tuffet at the time, ma'am?
- [Tom] Stop that now.
- [Crow] This is really gonna cut into
my smoking time.
(scary orchestral music)
- Cliff!
- [Crow] Well, I, hmm?
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Tom] Maybe, no, I can't
take his last cigarette.
- No.
- [Mike] Well, good luck,
however, it turns out.
- Calling cars 41 and 53, district 5.
- [Crow] Guess who?
- Cars 41 and 53, district 5.
Proceed at once to 500
block, Cottage Grove Avenue.
Investigate a 341.
- [Tom] Write this down.
- Proceed with caution.
This job is by the creeper.
- [Tom] Hubcaps are alerted
(sirens blaring)
- [Mike] It was right around the corner.
- [Crow] So, this is a Persian rug.
- There's another one.
Oh, yes.
- [Mike] Oh, mama.
- He's been hit alright.
- [Tom] Oh, baby.
Now maybe he's been hurt badly enough
to slow him up.
- [Officer] Captain Donelly?
- Yeah.
- We just got a flash on the radio.
They've traced him to the Tanna district,
over by Grand Avenue.
- Maybe.
- Hey, you know what I think?
- Yeah, I know.
- [Tom] You're a large, pink smelly man.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Mike] Oh, boy, this could mean an early
and unexpected end to his creeping career.
- [Crow] Yeah, the creeper
is on the 15 day DL.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Mike] Matthew!
- [Tom] Justice.
- [Crow] Oh, god, how the hell did she
ever get a piano up here?
Okay, once I get you
her, I have to ask her
to move to the first floor.
- [Tom] Oh, they're going
to visit Mr. Kotter.
(metal clanking)
- [Tom] Um, hello, anybody there?
- [Mike] Hello?
- [Tom] Hello?
- [Mike] You know, one thing I have to say
for this creeper, he
really opened the door
for other creepers.
- [Crow] Ladies and Gentlemen,
in the center ring, the
creeper will now attempt
the high thing.
(laughing)
- [Tom] I should have
called her and told her
to meet me at the drug store.
- [Mike] Man, such a
nightmare for all creepers
to blow out a knee or get shot like this.
- [Crow] So he's in pain and it's taking
him a long time.
- [Tom] So mostly like before, then.
(upbeat synth pop music)
(moves to ominous orchestral music)
- [Tom] Geez, I wish
I'd worn my gym clothes.
- [Mike] Oh, god, my trick groin.
- [Crow] Boy, he's had several injuries
that don't really help his
chances with women, at all.
- [Mike] It feels good just to not creep.
- [Tom] Ah, ha, and that's
significant because?
- [Mike] Ah, bet I look like hell.
(strained orchestral music)
- [Crow] Honey, my face is as big as ever
and someone shot my sizzler off.
(strained orchestral music)
- Helen.
- [Tom] Ah!
Don't do that.
- Hal, you startled me.
You came in by the fire escape.
Are you in trouble again?
- No, I've got something for you.
- [Crow] A transformer I
got with my happy meal.
- [Mike] (gasps) Steelies.
- [Helen] What's this?
- This stuff will enough
for that operation.
- [Tom] You mean my cath implants?
- Where did you get these?
Hal, you're hurt.
- [Crow] I hear blood.
- I'm alright.
You have that operation right away.
- [Crow] Can't it wait until morning?
- Hal, wait!
(ominous orchestral music)
I'd like an appraisal of these jewels.
- [Tom] They came from a
wounded guy with a hole
in his groin and won't
let me touch his face.
- [Crow] Eh, this is a daredevil lure.
- Yes, ma'am.
It'll take a few minutes.
Would you care to wait?
- Yes, I'll wait.
- [Mike] Okay, go ahead and wait, then.
Start waiting, right over there.
- [Tom] This stuff is hotter than
a Pasadena tennis court.
- [Crow] Wow, he got his
name legally changed.
- [Tom] What do you know.
- [Mike] Astoundingly little detail in
this robbery detail.
- [Tom] And one rock
that might be an agate.
- [Crow] That's an odd recipe.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Mike] Mrs. Robinson, I got the room.
- Operator, get me the police.
- What did he say when
he gave you these jewels?
- He told me to sell
them and use the money
for an operation on my eyes.
- Didn't you think that
was a little funny?
- I started to ask him about them,
but he left before I had the chance.
- Don't you realize you can get yourself
into a lot of trouble
protecting a criminal?
- [Tom] Let me put it this way, have you
every seen Chained Heat?
- [Helen] A criminal?
- Well, I think you can call him that.
- [Mike] Hmm, back me up on this, Roy?
- I can't believe it.
- Didn't you know the
police were after him.
- No.
- Not even that first night, when they
came to your room?
- I thought they were just some men.
- [Crow] With badges and guns.
- He never told me.
- No, no, I guess he wouldn't.
- I knew he was in some sort of trouble
but I didn't realize
it was with the police.
- [Crow] I thought he was pregnant.
- What has he done?
- [Tom] He has crept.
- Murder, at wholesale.
- [Crow] Good prices on murder.
- He happens to be the creeper.
- [Crow] Not my creeper!
- Creeper!
- [Lieutenant] Maybe
you'd better sit down.
- [Tom] By the way, am I
showing too much cleavage?
- He was so nice to me.
- [Mike] He gave me a cheap
brooch and everything.
- I just can't believe this about him.
- [Crow] Well, believe this, sister!
(swelling orchestral music)
- [Tom] Yet sees things
the sighted cannot.
(heightened orchestral music)
- [Mike] Sells rights to Universal.
- [Tom] The friendship of
a boy and a killer whale.
- Extra, extra, blind girl confesses
friendship with creeper killer.
Read all about it!
Blind girl confesses.
- [Crow] He just told the whole story.
- Extra, extra, read all about it.
- [Tom] Great, now I gotta buy up
every paper in town.
- All about the creeper.
Extra, extra, get your late edition here.
Blind girl tells all.
- [Mike] Wow, Rick Astley
is selling newspapers.
- Blind girl tells all, read all about it.
Get your paper here,
get your late edition.
- [Crow] Creeper needs a clipping service.
(car passing)
- [Tom] Let's see, wonder
how the Giants did.
Oh, damn.
- [Mike] Oh, my god, blind girl tells all
about creeper!
- [Crow] None of this would have happened
if chemistry weren't required.
(ominous orchestral music)
- [Tom] Well, it looks like
the creeper's back in the game,
let's see what he can do
with that new plastic groin.
- [Mike] The black hole
alley of the entire movie.
- [Tom] Yep, once again.
What light, window break?
- [Crow] That was our song,
whatever the hell it is.
(sad piano music)
Still hasn't gotten that phrasing right.
- [Tom] Hey, maybe he's
gonna do a skin the cat.
- [Mike] No.
- [Crow] Never before
has the screen sizzled
with such intense fire escape action.
- [Mike] I really hope
he doesn't accidentally
sneak in and kill Alicia de Larrocha.
(grunting)
(sad piano music)
- [Tom] Ow, wow.
- [Crow] Right now, she's
probably having coffee
and sharing stories with
Terri Gibbs and Diane Schuur.
- [Tom] Could be.
- [Mike] Why don't they
just call this movie
"The Creeper"?
Brute Man. (scoffs)
- [Tom] That'd be really
awkward if he walked in on her,
and she was entertaining
another big, ugly murderer guy.
- [Crow] She, at least,
owes me an explanation.
(sad piano music)
- [Mike] Showboat.
(sad piano music)
- [Tom] Hello, the end is near.
- [Crow] Happens every
time, I can't help myself.
- [Tom] The final curtain.
(sad piano music)
- [Crow] Oh, it's the
preacher from The Right Stuff.
She can't resist the
great smell of Brute Man.
(howling)
(sad piano music)
- [Tom] You know, you
morphed Joan Amos' features
you'd have this guy.
- [Crow] Flags all, baby.
(sad piano music)
- [Mike] Well, this movie
comes full circle, again.
- [Tom] And again.
- [Crow] Excuse me I'm from downstairs.
Could you play through the headphones?
(sad piano music)
- [Tom] She's really Jean Hackman dressed
as a woman to trap him.
For what is a man, what has he got
without himself?
- [Crow] Let's just
fluff out the sides here.
- [Tom] Um, do you have any ice?
Get her!
(struggling)
- [Crow] Are there people here?
Is something happening?
- I'll be with you in a minute.
- [Mike] We changed our
plan at the last minute
and decided not to let him strangle you.
- [Tom] Oh, this sucks.
(sad orchestral music)
- [Mike] Oh, come on, let's not make
a federal case out of it, get up.
- That was a fine thing
you did, Miss Paige,
helping us trap the killer.
- I wonder how he feels about it.
He trusted me.
He wanted to help me.
- Don't let it get you,
his mind had snapped.
- After all, he was a psychopathic killer.
And by the way, I have some news for you.
- [Crow] You're new eyeballs are in.
- I've been talking to
certain people and we,
they think you're going
to get that operation.
- [Crow] One of our
sergeants does it part-time.
- How wonderful.
- You look tired.
Why don't you--
- May I see you home?
- Oh, thank you.
- [Mike] Ah, thanks, but I've been
getting up from chairs for years.
- [Tom] Now she's gonna
find out how ugly he is.
- Well, there goes my pigeon.
(cards snapping)
- [Crow] Serial killers are wacky!
- [Mike] It's done!
- [Crow] Our producers'
releasing corporation
reminding you, don't fear the creeper.
(bolts clanging)
(beeping)
(door sliding)
(liquid dripping)
(chains clinking)
(door sliding)
(metal scraping)
(door shuts)
- So I use a spark-plug wrench--
- Hey, anybody seen Servo?
- No.
- No.
(laughs)
- Okay, that's great.
Alright, well, I want
to read a letter here,
kind of nice.
- Hi, everybody, sorry I'm late.
Just finished closing up my duplex.
- Oh, hey, you closed from here?
- Sure, Sheri took care of everything.
She's a super-sharp gal.
- What's a closing?
- Well, all I know is
you sign a lot of papers
and you right a lot of checks.
- And now you're a landlord.
- Yes, sirree, Martha!
(phone ringing)
Oh, I'll get that, it's probably for me.
Hello, landlord Servo here,
what can I do you for?
- Guy's going to jail.
Well, none of my concern.
Here's a letter from Krista and Dana.
- Krista!
- Hey, Dana!
- Put this stuff on still store.
You can see the nice silhouette, there.
True, down there.
It says, "Hi, Mike, Tom,
Crow, Gypsy, and Cambot.
"How are you guys doing over there?
- Fine, thank you.
- [Crow] Yeah.
- "We are so glad you
brought MST back to midnight.
"Our 70-year-old
grandmother works all day,
"but she makes sure to
stay up for MST 3000."
- Well, I don't know, just
don't flush the toilets.
- Why don't you flip that
picture of Nanna up there
on still store.
- [Crow] Nanna!
- You can see she's
giving a big thumbs up.
- Well, do you really need the water on?
I mean, they must have shut
it off for a good reason.
- Alright, and I got another one here from
a Kara Lee Bailiff.
- [Gypsy] Kara Lee.
- And she says, "Thank you for helping me
"to discover that good
things did not vanish
"with the Reagan Presidency."
- What do you mean,
I'm on the Village Boys
Top Ten worst landlords list,
I just bought the place.
It's in Pennsylvania for crying out loud!
- Yeah, Philly.
- Hi, mom and her guy, Sandy,
are just pulling up outside.
I'm not really that upset
about Sandy anymore,
I just needed to figure a few things out.
- [Sandy] After you, madam.
- Oh, Clayton, you're still up.
Well, I'm gonna go freshen up.
Don't you go anywhere, Sandy.
- So, did you have a good time?
- Ah, sure, Clay.
Let me tell you, my boy.
Next time you got a little
chickie on the line,
just take her to Chile's,
set the hook and...
Poom!
- I will do that.
Drink, Sandy?
- Sure, I don't think I'm
driving anymore tonight.
(exhales)
(exploding)
(clucking)
- I'm back, oh, Clayton!
(clucking)
- Yes, mommy?
- Did you turn Sandy in to
the chicken of tomorrow?
- Hey, I guess I did.
- Clayton if you...
Well, if you don't watch
out for me, who will?
- Oh, mother, I love you.
- And I feel quite strongly
toward you as well.
(clucking)
(electric pop)
(brassy synth music)
- Creeper, creeper, creeper.
You give me the creeps.