Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 8, Episode 3 - Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell - full transcript

A hero on a quest to gather magical stones battles an evil sorcerer and learns the benefits of a potato diet in Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell (1988). Tom and Crow put on a Renaissance Fair for Mike and Crow reads a trashy romance novel to Pearl as a favor.

♪ In the not-too-distant future
Way down in Deep 13 ♪

♪ The evil Doctor Forrester ♪

♪ Was hatchin' a nasty scheme ♪

♪ He hired a temp
By the name of Mike ♪

♪ Just a regular Joe he didn't like ♪

♪ His experiment
Needed a good test case ♪

♪ So he conked him on the noggin ♪

♪ And he shot him into space ♪

(Mike): Let me go!

♪ I'll send him cheesy movies ♪

-♪ The worst I can find ♪
-♪ La-la-la ♪

♪ He'll have to sit
And watch them all ♪

-♪ And I'll monitor his mind ♪
-♪ La-la-la ♪

♪ Now keep in mind
Mike can't control ♪

-♪ Where the movies begin or end ♪
-♪ La-la-la ♪

♪ He'll try to keep his sanity ♪

♪ With the help of his robot friends ♪

Robot roll call.

-Cambot.
-Show yourself!

-Gypsy.
-I'm not ready!

-Tom Servo.
-Hello there!

-Crow!
-That's one "O".

♪ If you're wonderin'
How he eats and breathes ♪

-♪ And other science facts ♪
-♪ La-la-la ♪

♪ Just repeat to yourself
It's just a show ♪

♪ I should really just relax ♪

Did I tell you
my mother's here?

♪ For Mystery Science
Theater 3000 ♪

(mechanical blips and whirs)

Well, hi, everyone, Mike Nelson here
on the Satellite of Love.

This is Tom Servo.
And we're just waitin' around for Crow.

Hello, fellows.

Sorry I'm late, I just
had a shower. (chuckles)

-Crow, did you--
-Lose weight?

-Well, are you--
-Getting over the flu?

No.

I'm enjoying a more active
lifestyle with my new hair.

Crow, I had no idea
you even needed--

Was wearing a hair piece?
Of course not.

I chose this style because
it blends better with my natural metal.

Crow, you don't even
need a hair piece.

Oh, thank you, Tom.

But I'm not ashamed
of my hair loss.

I just think I
happen to look better

and feel younger with hair.

Oh, I'd also like you
to call me "Escobar".

Well, Tom, I think if Crow,

if Escobar feels that he needs
a toupee then that's fine--

It's called a
techno-weave, Mike.

I sent them a hair sample
from the small of my back.

Let me tell you,
this thing is a chick magnet.

(laughs)

Oh, here's another thing I got.

-Uh-huh, let's see.
-(grunting) Calf implants.

Oh, my God.

Hey, looking's for free.

-The rest'll cost ya.
-I understand.

Well, I'm off to shower again

and enjoy my new
active lifestyle.

Hey, check out my
new hinder implants.

Ugh.

Not bad.

He looks like Jimmy Smitts.

We'll be right back.

-Clayton?
-(Clayton): What?

-Clayton?
-Yes, mother?

-Oh, God, Clayton.
-What?

You're killin' me, Clayton.

Oh, mother,
you have a parasite,

you're going to be fine.

Oh, God, I'm dying.

-Clayton, Clayton.
-Mother.

-Clayton.
-Would you shut up?

(whines)

-Mother, I'm sorry.
-Clayton.

Look, I'm sorry.

-Clayton.
-Yes?

-Clayton.
-Yes, Mother.

Clayton, come closer,
Clayton.

-Clayton.
-Yes, Mother?

Clayton, I want you
to remember-- Clayton.

(cries out in distress)
Your poor mother, Clayton.

(growls)

I'm not gonna be around
much longer, Clayton.

-Here's the deal, Mike.
-Clayton.

-Mother's a little sick. And--
-Clayton.

Good morning, sir.

We're introducing a new
feature up here on the SOL.

Would you like to supersize
it for a dollar more?

-Super what?
-Clayton, Clayton.

-Just a minute, Mother!
-Clayton, Clayton.

-What's the deal?
-For just a dollar more,

you can supersize
the experiment,

which means you can get
the stove quart of potato planks,

six bags of Mellow Yellow,

and a large Mr. Misty burger for 2.99.

-Well, I don't...
-(beeping)

Hold on.

Well, that's my number.

I wonder who could
be calling me.

I don't give that
number out to everyone.

Excuse me, just a minute.

(telephone rings)

Clayton, how long
will you be, Clayton?

I don't know, Mother.

I'll be with you as
soon as I'm done.

But you don't have to
have the Mr. Misty special.

If you didn't want
the potato planks,

you could certainly go with
the meatza-treatza-rati.

That's a supersized
Mr. Misty with a--

I'm sure I don't
want potato planks.

Clayton, quit playing and
tend to your mother, Clayton.

Then you'll want the meatza-treatza-rati.

I don't want the meatza-treatza-rati.

Clayton, what could
be taking you so long, Clayton?

Well, there's no
need to yell, sir.

I'll go get the manager.

(Mike): What seems to be the problem?

We've got to take care
of this right away.

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

I think I can take care
of everything for you.

You want the meatza-treatza-rati,

but you don't want
the potato planks.

Oh. Sir, you should have
told me you had a coupon before I--

I got to get the register keys.
I'll be right back.

I didn't know he had a coupon.

Okay, will this
be together, sir?

-Together with who?
-Clayton.

-Look. Stop it.
-Clayton.

This is an experiment.

Nobody's gonna
supersize anything.

Now, you get into that theater

and you're gonna watch Deathstalker,
you got it?

(cries out hysterically)
Clayton.

You're killing me, Clayton.

Clayton.

Clayton.

Somebody's got to
mop the bathroom.

-No way.
-Come on, I'll give you a Clown Burger.

Somebody's got to go in
there and mop that up.

For a Clown Burger?
I'll do it for a Clown Burger.

(buzzing)
(clamoring)

(mechanical blips and whirs)

So, you can just declare
something a classic, huh?

(Mike): Deathstalker.
Hey, where's the umlaut?

(Tom): These guys are like
warriors from hell.

(Mike): Relson?
What kind of a name is Relson?

(Tom): It's Nelson.

(Mike): That's one of the most clearly
printed "R"s I've ever seen.

Carla heard a who.

(Mike): What kind of made-up font is this?

(Tom): I think they call it
extra-stuffed Germanic.

Thom Thristhoper,
tha tha tha.

(Tom): That's funny.
(chuckles)

(Mike): Would you get this off?
It's a little distracting.

(Tom): Batting seventh
for the orchestra,

Alejandro Rufo.

(Mike): Oh, I have a feeling

we're makin' a run
for the border in this movie.

(Tom): Robert Rorth.

(Mike): R-r-recutive r-oducer.

A heavy font like this
needs to double brace the "H".

(Tom): Hey, these two?

Merchant Ivory of Mexico.

(Mike): Hey, can we
jam a lime wedge in his mouth?

(joyous laughter)

Yes, it's Renaissance
festivals of the Old West.

It looks like they were makin'
a Men Without Hats video

while they were
shootin' this movie.

(Mike): Ooh, that doesn't win
you a lot of friends.

(laughs) Hey, he invented guzzling.

(Tom): Ah, yes, the New
Brighton Lumberjack Days.

Go, Blaze.

I've had better fights...

with young maidens.

Ho, ho, ho, is that so, my friend?

Now let's see how long
these accents last.

You'd best forget
about maidens.

At least learn to fight a man.

(Tom): The giant Q-Tip wars,
I heard about these.

(Mike): So, Michael McDonald
is fighting the guy from Loverboy.

This is just getting better, yes.

Leon Russell.

Next time, get me someone
who doesn't need a rest

in the middle of a fight. (laughs)

-(Tom): Is it too early to hate this guy?
-No.

(Mike): Whoa, a compression fracture.

Come on.

Let's go to ye beer tent.

You cheated anyway.

You kicked my weapon away.

You don't get to
be a hero, my friend,

playing by the rules.

(Mike): They missed on the haircuts
by roughly 1200 years.

Yes.

So... Well, what have
we here, Amatron?

A little chicken, huh?

Find the lady, find the lady, come on.

Come on, sing "Delta Lady".

(All): Woo-hoo.

You want to plant barley.

This is going to be
a terrible year for oats.

(Tom): Uh, can I just get a lemonade?

A Power Rangers coin, everyone.

(magical tones)

(Mike): And the Raiders have elected
to receive. (fakes echo)

(Tom): Ah, the sad life
of a touring wizard.

(medieval woodwind music)

Next prophecy.

Model it, yes, but I like it too.

(Mike): Hey, will the people from
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman

please clear the set.

I wonder where that girl went.

Can I get my money, sir?

You gonna follow me
everywhere, my friends?

You said you were
gonna teach us to fight.

So I did, Amatron, so I did.

-(Tom): Amatron?
-Go now.

(Tom): Spread out, beat cheeks.

What do you want to talk
to that old buzzard about?

Oh, he gets around.
One village one day, one the next.

-(Mike): So, two villages.
-He also knows where the rich ones are.

Oh, I...
I saved his neck once.

We've been helping each
other out ever since.

(Mike): I don't care.

Listen, my friend, do you
want to learn how to fight?

Yeah.

First, learn to tell
what's worth fighting for.

Now, give me that.

Are you gonna
kill me again, sir?

(Tom): Hey, check out your mom.

(Mike): Come here, kid.

(Mike): Yeah, I knew Merlin personally.

Oh, mama.

I'll have a few words for you.

(Tom): They are frog and pant.

I must attend to this lady first.

(Mike): Mm, grey water.

Some wizards get all the luck.

-(Mike): Wizards?
-This way, please.

(Tom): So, your first time
with a wizard? (chuckles)

I've searched
three years for you.

Thinking I was the end of your quest?

(Mike): As we know it,
and I feel fine.

You are not the first.

But I'm the only one who has this.

A doorknob from Grandma's house?

(Tom): Elizabeth Taylor threw this at me.

And you have the other.

(Mike): I can give you 10 bucks.

No.
I wish I did.

(Tom): I'll throw in a Frodo
Lives bumper sticker.

Do you understand what will happen
when the two stones are united?

Boy, look out then,
I'll tell you what.

Will you use its
power for good?

I swear it.

(Tom): Look, old man, can I just get
the setting changed and the ring sized?

-Far...
-(Mike): A note to follow "so".

...to the south.

He's Batman.

(Mike): You would tell me if
I looked silly in this, wouldn't ya?

Alive if you can.
Dead if you have to.

(Tom): Ah, the Michigan Militia.

-(Tom): It's fun! Jump! Jumping!
-(Mike): Jump, jump! Jump!

(all sing discordantly)

(Mike): Hey, get a tennis racket!

They get in your hair!

(Tom): They have rabies!

Hey, zip it up, you guys.

I thought I'd
got away from them.

(Mike): Well, ya haven't.

Out of the way.

I'm sorry, the wizard's busy.
Come back tomorrow.

-(Tom): He's good.
-Get him.

(Mike): They've got knives, run!

You know what, actually,
I'm kind of glad.

This year's festival
was kind of a letdown.

(Tom): ♪ Takin' it to the streets ♪

(Mike): Save the turkey drumsticks.

My perm.

(Tom): It's the annual running
of the Ren Festers.

Die.

(Mike): Okay.

Sorry, boss, I got weak ankles.

(Tom): ♪ Yeah you ♪

(Mike): Someone grab the gate receipts.

He's waiting for his
chance to raid the pop stand.

-(Tom): Carrot Top, no!
-Yes.

They're gunning at the chickens!

(All hum)

(Mike): It's very Kitaro-ish, this music.

Come on, gimme some!

(Tom): Could I help, or no, or...

Does this mean the Alpine horn
demonstration is postponed?

(Tom): We have a seat opening up
in horse class.

Nicias, stay close to me.

(Mike): Sure, you can use it.

I can take care of myself.

Protect the girl.

-(Tom): Sure, which gulls do ya mean?
-Get the wizard.

23 skidoo, rah rah.

(Tom): Touchdown.

Oh, poopie, that didn't work.

(Mike): Oh, wow, I pulled a groin muscle.

Looks like his
rubber band snapped.

Nicias!

(Tom): He's Dick Button all of a sudden.

(Mike): He forgot his espadrilles.

(Mike): Wow, she runs like Natrone Means.

(Tom): Oh, sorry, I thought you were Dale.

(Mike): Medieval loogie dangling.

Now split him for firewood.

(man groans)
(Tom groans mockingly)

-Hey, hey, hey.
-Stay away from me.

(Tom): But I'm a hero.

Nicias told me to
take care of you.

What do those cutthroats
want with him anyway?

-(Mike makes disgusted vocalization)
-Alright.

All right, go on back.

I'm sure there's one or two
of those soldiers left

who'd like to get
his hands on you.

Mike, were there crackers
in the Middle Ages?

(Mike): Apparently.

(Tom): Scared, attracted,
what are we...

(Mike): Do I smell something?
(groans)

Clever.

I knewest thou
would come around.

(Tom); Uh, T-minus four seconds
to an emotion.

Three, two...

(Crow imitates explosion)

(Mike): You can get your
hand off my thigh now. Really.

Have you ever heard
of a secret city?

Where are we now and
how long did we ride?

A city built all of treasure?

In my dreams, yes.

-It's real.
-(Tom): Branson, Missouri.

Nicias was born there.

He's the last of his people.

(Mike): Uh-huh.

The secret city is called "Arandor".

Or Fridley, I can't remember.

And It's protected by magic.

And he told you how to find it?

Well, not exactly.

He did or he didn't?

(Tom): I asked you, Morton Kondracke.

Well, we'll have to find Nicias then.

-(Tom): Nicias.
-(Mike): Nicias.

You will help me?

A whole city.

Diamonds, crystals.

Gold.

Pitch plan bauxite.

Enough to make my
people strong forever.

Oh, your people.
Don't tell me you're a princess.

-Please, no, stop, I can't take it.
-Yes.

(laughs)

Why is it that I keep getting
mixed up with princesses?

Oh, no, this is a sequel to somethin'.

You're very nice,
and quite lovely.

(Mike): Uh, sir, are we sleeping
upside down in the cave again?

(Tom): You know, each warrior from hell
eats eight pounds of mosquitoes per night.

I got some sticks for dinner.

But here I go again,
riding hundreds of miles.

Fighting whole armies,
up against magic maybe.

In the end, all I'll get
is flowers on my head

and everyone telling
me how wonderful I am.

(All): Shut up!

Why don't they ever
just skip the speeches

and give me the treasure?

Is that all you're after?

(Tom): ♪ Then let's keep dancin' ♪

When someone's brave enough
to call an outlaw a friend,

you don't walk away from
him when he's in trouble.

(Mike): Andy Travis: Hero.

Treasure's a good excuse though.

Reconnaissance.

(Mike): Well, now I instinctively
have to get away from you, bye.

I've got the warmest
blankets over here.

(Tom): But it's the hottest summer
in medieval history.

I'll be warm enough.

I haven't got any
syphilis that I know of.

Thank you.

(Mike): You betcha, little lady.

What brought a princess
on a quest like this anyway?

(Tom): Good night, Steve.

It was either me or my sister.

And she can't even
put on her own shoes.

(Mike chuckles)

We have no soldiers.

We don't even have a home.

-Like Nicias.
-(Tom): Gesundheit.

Tents in the forests,
in the mountains.

(Mike): I'm not too tense
actually, I'm pretty--

-(Tom shushes)
-Could I find that city?

Yes.

I'm wearing a horse hide teddy.

(Tom): We could just cuddle.

We don't have to do the act.
Oh, well.

You're sure you don't want
to try one of my blankets?

(Mike): Try it for one night
at no obligation.

Impervious to cold,
and superior in moisture vapor proofness.

Well, I'm boxin'
the clown tonight.

Well, I never saw a princess yet

who liked to sleep alone.

(Tom): A little Drakkar Noir.

Dismount.

-Blanket, my little one?
-They're here!

(Mike): Watch out for the editing.

(Tom): So, that blanket?

Wow, there's really a run
on blankets tonight.

(Mike): Very sunny night.

Who sent you here?

(Mike mumbles, muffled)

Please, sir, may I have a blanket?

(Mike): Get the soundtrack by
Emerson, Lake and Palmer.

Oh, right in
the medieval mess.

(Tom makes goofy vocalization)

Whoa, he set that thing for pheasants.
That was luck.

(Mike): There, done and done.

Death means one
glorious thing:

Freedom from that guy.

(Mike): Try one of my crunchy pillows.

(Tom): I gotta call Rampart.

Excuse me, I think you're
laying on my glasses.

Where's the damn wizard
when we need him, huh?

(Mike): You know, I can patch it
to get you to Sheboygan,

but you're gonna have
to have it looked at.

There's a warlord,
in the south.

This isn't a good
time for stories.

With a magic stone.

Like this.

(Tom): Rub it under your armpits,
and you won't smell.

The two stones together
hold the secret of the city.

Nicias gave this to you?

The soldiers
thought he had it.

But it's mine.

It's always been mine.

(Mike): You know, I'm a little foggy
about what you're talking about.

Yes, we'll find it.

(Tom): I'll miss our scenes together
where our characters were vague,

and we don't really talk too much.

(Mike): Ew, don't, don't do that.
Don't.

Mary Lou Retton could
act better than her.

(Mike): Ouch.

If I knew your name or anything about you,
this would be very sad.

I'll find it.
I'll find it.

I was gonna sell this
blanket, and you bled on it.

My district manager is going
to make me pay for this.

(Tom): Robert Foxworth.

-Let me go!
-Hold still.

We want the man
who killed her.

Deathstalker didn't kill her.

So there is such a man as Deathstalker.

(Mike): Excuse me, I'm not dead, ow.

I thought he was a myth.

He didn't kill her.

Get out.

(Tom): Are we paying
you enough, Carl?

Now we've got
a legend to catch.

(bird caws strangely)

(Mike): Sounds like the bird
has a lavalier mic

that he runs through the grunge box
before he puts it into the pre-amp.

(Man): The girl, dead.

The wizard, taken.

57 oracles, and nothin' on.

-(Woman): Magic.
-(Tom): What?

Oh, you want me to look
this way while I ride? Okay.

(Woman): They said he did it by magic.

(Tom): Eat the apple? Sure.

(Man): Magic? Nicias?

He couldn't light a fire with a torch.

(Mike): We now switch
to the wizard cam.

(Man): Those blunderers
can't even see it.

I want that man.

(Tom): Let's check with
our personal Ted Neeley first.

You won't fool us
forever, Troxartas.

(Mike): It's Troxartas,
Sunday at the Metrodome.

Why does he have Björn Borg
trussed up to the wall?

Of course I will.

(Tom): So, Douglas Brackman
rules their kingdom.

Aren't you rich enough
without one more jewel?

(Mike): You can't be too
rich or too brilliant.

You own every inch of land
and every peasant

between here and the sea.

(Tom): She's from Dubuque.

And me.

If you ever notice.

Oh, it's our anniversary, isn't it?
Damn.

This has nothing to
do with being rich.

(Tom): I put the beats
in my own script,

and I'm sticking with them.

Many people have searched
for the treasure city.

Uh-huh, that's nice, dear.

And if the fools ever found it,
they couldn't comprehend what they had.

(Troxartas yells)

Ooh, that was impulsive.

Smooth talker, wasn't he?

(Tom): She's wry.

That city is power.

(Mike): I still think you
should see Bill Davis

about that job.

The magic of a thousand generations
lives in the stones of its walls.

Waiting to erupt for the one
who puts this together.

(Mike): Your head is sweating.

Everything from here to the sea.

When this is complete--

We'll finally get
into the bathroom.

The world is mine.

With this!

(Mike): The fabric softener
will be dispensed at the right time.

I'll live forever.

(electronic blips and whirs)

Well, hey, whatcha got
goin' here, little fella?

Huzzah, sir.

And welcome to
the King Vitamin Renaissance Festival.

Wow, this is great. I never
got a chance to get to one of these--

Halt, ye ambitious cur.

It's 25 bucks to get in.

Oh, okay, well,
that seems reasonable.

Never got to one of these on Earth.
Should be a lot of fun.

Yeah, well, smooch my medieval
butt, you fusty plebeian.

Oh, right, you're hurling
medieval insults at me.

Well, lay on, rat catcher. (laughs)

Yeah, right, come on, King Urinal.

Ho, behold. It's Tom Winkle,
the sharp-tongued juggler.

-That'll be five bucks.
-Welcome, ass.

Time for that jolly juggler,
Tom Winkle. (chuckles)

Well, that's the end of the show.
Next show at three.

-Leave a tip in the tambourine.
-Okay.

Oh, God, this is
better than I imagined.

Yes, it's like
stepping back in time,

you worthless filth bag.
(Mike and Crow laugh)

Let's get thee kissed
by yon wench, bucket face.

-That's five bucks.
-Oh, okay.

Aye, me.

Oh, she speaks.

Speak again, bright angel,
for thou art fairer to me

than all the suns of heaven--

Can it, short pants.

You paid your money,
let's suck face.

Okay, well, when in Rome.
Muah.

Jeez, what a cold fish.

That's another 15 bucks, (mumbles).

I love this, this is so renaissance.

Well, then get thy
sorry butt cheeks over here

to King Richard's food court.

Here's the half eaten
turkey leg you ordered.

Only 12.50.

Well, I only have
like three bucks.

You kinda cleaned me out.

Well, get thee to the cash machine,
you toad.

Okay, right,
I'll be right back.

-Don't sell that.
-Huzzah, huzzah.

Yeah, go fill another room in hell,
you purple hued malt worm.

(Mike): I heard that.
(robots laugh)

Oh, rats, it's commercial time.

Well, sweep on,
ye fat and greasy citizens.

-What'd we get, what'd we get?
-300 skins.

(Tom): Here come the brides.

It's a clown boat.

(Mike): Bagged a couple walleyes.
Got time for a round of golf.

This is great.

Why does it have to be so hot?

(Tom): Well, it's Mexico,
which is near the equator.

Yes, we have.

Is it going to be this hot
where I'm going to live?

Hey, put your
dwarf on oscillating.

You have servants
to comfort you with fans,

and to bring you cool drinks.

Yes.

Lots of servants.

You know, even for a midget,
he seems little.

(Mike): Hi, do you have
part of a doorknob?

(Tom): She's like a pretty
Nancy Kerrigan.

What do you want?

Yeah, but it's not on the--

Forgive me.

I must have made a mistake.

He is poison, sister,
you stay away from him.

(Tom, goofy chuckling)

(Mike): He seemed like a nice guy.

Uh, sir, there is a sun fish limit.

Who's the girl?

She's from the north.

-She's on her way to marry somebody.
-(Mike imitating): To marry somebody.

Lucky man, here,
let me help you with that.

(groans in effort)

Looks like a girl I once knew.

(chuckles)
Lucky you.

Ah, funny, well, anyway,

thanks for helpin'
me move, Steve.

You think we'll get
any further tomorrow

than we did today?

Wherever you're goin',

it'll still be there
when you get there.

Think we have enough coffee?

-(Mike): Who are we?
-(Tom and Crow): Bats.

-(Mike): What do we want?
-(Tom and Crow): Insects.

-(Mike): When do we want 'em?
-Now.

-(Tom): Right now.
-(Mike): Squeak, squeak.

Is this what guys did

instead of putting their
baseball caps on backwards

and playing touch football?

(Tom imitates trumpet)

(Mike): And the Denver Pyle Convention
is disrupted.

(Tom): Ah, the director's vision.

Confusion racked with ambiguity.

-What's going on?
-I don't know, but I'm gonna find out.

Be careful, honey.

-(Mike): Squeak, squeak, squeak.
-(Crow giggles)

We're looking for a bandit.

I haven't seen anybody.

Sure.

Will Gear and James Coburn
are The Odd Couple.

Huzzah, my invisi-blanket.

(shushing)

(Mike): Hey, stop licking my hand.
(makes disgusted vocalization)

Try that again,
I'll cut your throat.

(Tom): I've got a pencil,
and I'll use it, damn it.

Good girl.

This guy paved the way for Ike Turner.

Who's in there?

A lady.

I'll have to take a look.

(Mike): Uh, that's "leak", sir.

(Mike): Are we done,
can we go home?

I gotta go work
on my Charger, man.

(Mike): Uh, do those flap or
are they just attached?

Sorry to disturb you, my lady.

You're welcome.

(Mike): Don't laugh.

-(Tom): Bat head.
-(Mike): I heard that.

(Mike): Is it time for school?

I didn't tell.

(Tom): Aunt Rhody?

(Crow growls)

Why are you staring at me?

You look like someone I knew.

-(Mike): Could you get off my lap?
-It could have been your sister.

My sister died.

(Tom): I killed her for pitting out
one of my blouses.

-Long ago.
-(Mike): ♪ And oh so far away ♪

-(Tom): That's my stick.
-Help!

(Tom): Stick stealer.

Help!
Get him, get him.

Get him, he's the one you're after.

Surprise, ha-ha.

(Tom): Get him, man, he kicked Tony.

(imitates trumpet)

(Mike): Okay.

Purse of gold to
the man who finds him.

I'll just take the gold, sir.

I don't really need a purse.

(Tom): Squeak like you've never
squeaked before, men.

(Tom grunting)

(Mike): This accomplishes
absolutely nothing.

(Tom): Hi, Deathstalker,
how you doin' up there? Morning.

Watch your head, Deathstalker.

Last guy in line,
you wanna just stab Deathstalker up there?

(bird caws strangely)

(Mike): Excuse me, I gotta get
to my Ladyhawke audition.

It's a lotta things,
but it's not a bird sound.

(Tom): I just heard an eagle meow.

(bird caws strangely)

(Man): Deathstalker.

(Mike): You scamp.

You can hide
from ordinary men.

Hard to look menacing
when you're dressed like Maude.

But not from me.

(Tom): Lodac, are you talkin'
to the toilet again?

(bubbling)

(Mike): Your sitz bath is ready, sir.

Far greater warriors have
given their lives to me.

(Mike): Uh-huh. Well, that's not
getting the basement painted, is it?

Hand me the soap.

Let him stand against them.

(Tom): I've gotta call Bob
about that tire thing.

(Mike sighs) You're not gonna
mow the lawn, are you?

Oh, you cleaned down here.

What did you do with
my Popular Mechanics?

(Tom): Mother Teresa, what
are you up to, you scamp?

-You.
-Lick me.

The leader of a thousand men.

(Mike): No, you want Steve, he's one over.

You thought you
would conquer me.

Now you'll do my bidding.

(Tom): Go, kiss Tommy Meyer.

And you.

And you, who could hurl
boulders off the mountain tops.

And you, who could open
beer with your teeth.

An army of the dead in my power.

(Tom): Isn't it great?

I, who took your lives...

-The lawn.
-Give them back to you.

-(Tom): Win, team, win.
-Rise.

(thunder claps)

(Tom): Whoa, not that kinda rise.

Is it okay if we just wiggle?

(Mike): Whoa, jeez.

I thought he was Neil Diamond
for a second there.

(mystical zapping)

(Tom): Honey, did you use this?
It's all screwed up.

There are still
limits to your strength.

I will find the strength.

(Tom): Could you find the strength
to at least sweep the garage?

Not until you find
the second stone.

Then you can watch cartoons.

The world is
almost in my grasp.

(Tom): Or at least the Quad Cities.

One man is not
going to stop me.

(Tom): Young Bill Clinton.

(Mike): Act natural,
pretend like he's not here.

Okay, okay, Larry told me what to do
if they try to saddle me.

You and me will
get along just fine.

Bigfoot.

(Tom): Pretty lucky to find a wild horse
with a bridle and all.

-(horse whinnies)
-(Mike): Okay, good dog, good dog.

(Woman): Those are my horses.

Get down off him.

-Forgive me, I'm...
-Unappealing.

-...really in a hurry.
-(woman whistles)

(Mike): Puppy, no, no.

(All cheer)

♪ Shoot that poison arrow
Through my heart ♪

(Mike): Tom, I thought I told you,
never sing.

Thought you could
outrun an old woman.

(Mike): Now, come on,
you're 50 years young.

(Woman): My daughter shoots
pretty good too, doesn't she?

Excellent.
Excellent shot.

If there's one thing I've
always admired, it's...

It's--

We don't appreciate
horse thieves.

But we appreciate ladies'
night at Blainbrook Bowl.

Horse thieves.

No, a little gold maybe.

-A jewel here and there. Never a horse.
- (Mike): Witchiepoo.

(Woman): Drop your sword.

(Mike): Like you have your accent.

I'd be more than
happy to pay for him.

(Tom): Elayne Boosler looks on.

What other
weapons do you have?

Amongst our weaponry are--

A knife?

No knife.

Money's a little
tight at the moment.

But I think we can
work something out.

Search him.

(Mike): Hi, I'm Cindy.
I'll be searching you.

(Tom makes whirring sounds)

(Mike): It's a high school
jousting injury.

No knife.

What's his inseam?

Knife, knife.

(Woman): I've seen your kind before.

I haven't.

(Tom): Go ahead, enjoy my area.

(Mike): Ma'am, have a look?

Okay, if you're done
degrading the human race,

can we get on with the movie?

(Woman): Don't move.

(Tom): Mother.

I would not dig
into this guy's pouch.

(Tom): The anniversary diamond.

-(hums a tune)
-I thought you didn't have any money.

This is nothing.

There are thousands more
where this came from.

Tell you what.

You let me borrow a horse,

I'll come back with
a handful of these.

Bigger ones too.

-You spend the night here.
-(Mike): Can you reach in my hand?

No, I really am in a hurry.

Oh, you'd kill yourself trying to ride out
of these canyons in the dark.

(Mike): It's not dark.

The people who are after you
can't get in very easy.

I'll lend you a horse in the morning.

Thank you.

(Tom, impersonating Elvis):
Thank you very much.

(Mike): I'm back.

You sleep outside.

Everything's outside.

(Tom): Man, those are
the biggest peanuts I've ever seen.

Do you have any Mrs. Dash?

(Mike): And for dessert,
potato cream pie.

(Deathstalker):
You boil a hell of a potato.

And there'll be
more for breakfast.

(Tom, daffy laugh) Daughter smart.

Perhaps in the morning
I can catch you a rabbit.

(wolf howls)

You want to eat a rabbit?

But potatoes are what we eat.

I meant a potato rabbit.

Just a wild idea.

Thank you.

(Mike): Here's a small hot,
wet pillow for you.

Would you like another potato?

This is the scene
they always show

-in That's Entertainment. (laughs)
-Thank you.

You sleep in the barn.

This isn't the barn?

Thank you very much.

The potato sketch,
ladies and gentlemen,

let's hear it for
the potato sketch.

There's only one thing
a man like that wants.

Sour cream with chives.

Careful.

(knocking)

(Mike): What the...?

(Tom): Hi, we're here to
start on your deck.

What did you do
with my daughter?

She's in a cool,
dry place, ma'am.

I'm looking for an outlaw.

Yeah, so am I.

(Mike): I'll get my purse.

(Tom): She's an odd duck.

(Mike): I've got potato
sandwiches for everyone.

(Mike): No, don't touch me.
It's too icky, ew.

(Tom): Actif Blue.

We're the knights
of the round table.

Oh.

He knows where the horses are.

(Mike gasps) And to think,

he had earlier
misrepresented his knowledge

of the location of the horses.

(Tom): Quit chasing me,
I don't like you.

I'll have to ask you to
activate your sonar, ma'am.

(Mike): He made a saddle
out of Grover.

(Tom): I did know where the horses were.
(evil laugh)

(Mike): Horses are what we ride.

Marinda, you can't come with me.

But you can't get through
these hills without me.

(Mike): I have to get to my
data entry job anyway.

I've got to try.

But they'll catch you.

I don't want them to catch you.

(All grumble in disgust)

He's rubbin' his
entire face against her.

(Mike): He's gonna swallow
her whole head, ew.

Her nose, ew.

I have to see what it's
like beyond this valley.

Are there Nina B's and
Hurrah Stores out there?

(Tom): Man, I'm draggin' a boat anchor
with this one.

What are you waiting for?

(Mike): Waiting 'til
I'm not sharp anymore.

Uh, excuse me,
Mr. Moose Warrior?

(Mike): I'm a bat.

Squeak, squeak.

Squeak.

That's the only way out.

(Tom groans loudly)

Warriors from Hell will
handle it from here, ma'am.

(Mike gasps): Free range potatoes.

I've seen these before.

(Tom): Pardon us, we weren't
grazing or anything.

Continue to follow me

as you have for days and days.

(Tom imitates intense music)

(Mike): Whoa, Dave's horse
is burnin' oil again.

(Tom): By Prince Matchabelli.

Whoa, that paper mill
is goin' full time these days.

(Mike): So, beyond my valley,
everything's the same then.

Use tongue as blunt object.

Swab tongue onto every
available surface.

(Mike chuckles)

You're the only man I ever kissed.

(Tom): I bagged another savage chick
right here a couple a years ago.

Take me with you.

(Deathstalker): I can't.

(Mike): I'll mail you back
your Foreigner tape.

If you ride out of these mountains,
you'll leave your innocence behind.

I believe that's the first time
I ever told a girl

to hang onto her innocence.
(laughs awkwardly)

Ah, that trademark
Relson laugh.

-Will you ever come back?
-(Tom): Please say no.

I can't.

(Tom): You sure you'll
never come back?

You're going now, right?

Goodbye, Steve.

(Mike): Goodbye, Shelly,
hope your perm works out.

Haven't I seen her dancing by the pool
with Spuds MacKenzie?

(Tom): Ah, good.

Always show your audience
the inside of your hero's mouth.

(Mike makes disgusted
vocalizations)

Oh, it really is the best
part of the human body.

Mm. (imitates chewing)

Hey, he was sitting.

(Tom): I think she just got
edited to the ground.

(Mike): I sprained my dress.

Damn you, come back.

Cram it, lady. (goofy laugh)

This is all your fault.

Well, well, well.

If my bodyguards were here,
you wouldn't be smiling.

Call them then.

(Tom): Let me get my cup back in place.
There.

They're dead.

Those idiot soldiers.

When they couldn't catch you...

Hold on, my bra strap.

They came back and accused
everyone of protecting you.

Just who exactly
are you anyway?

That's none of your business.

-You're right.
-(Tom): Zing.

Wow, it's like Nick and Nora Charles.

(Mike): I better get back to my
Super Weight Gain 2000.

You're absolutely right.

I am the Princess Elizena.

And I can't find my brush.

(Deathstalker chokes and laughs)

I'm on my way to marry
a very important man.

(Mike): Edgar Bronfman.

Is that so?

You never even
introduced yourself.

Forgive me.

This guy peaked
in the Middle Ages.

(tom): Now they do the college handshake.

(smooches) Deathstalker.

(Mike gasps): From first hour English?

You've heard of me, huh?

(chuckles)

Don't you touch me.

(groans) Do I look like
I'm about to hurt anybody?

I'm just a simple hero
trying to eat his dinner.

Do you know how
much fat is in that?

Vole is good tonight.

Mm. (imitates chewing)

-People talk too much, you know that?
-(Mike): No, they should eat more.

Just because a man's a little...

Teapot?

Faster with a sword. A little...

better with a horse,
a little stronger.

A little more handsome.

Brave.

-Daring.
-Odious. Hateful.

-(Mike): Greasy.
-Irresistible to women.

-(Tom): A little sickening.
-Not all women.

You see what I mean?

I have no idea how these
legends get started, you know?

(Tom): Choke on a bone, please,
God, choke on a bone.

Come on, puncture
your intestine, come on.

Just a small bone.

(Mike): I have a cat poster.

He's got all the charm
of your David Soul.

(thunder claps)

Hey, dude, get some towels
and put them under the door.

The R.A.'s coming.

(Tom): Uh-oh, the wall vac backed up.

(coughs)

(Mike): The fog cruises in
on little cat feet.

(Man): Very close.

-Do your Mr. Burns for us again.
-What is?

(Mike): Ever since he got
back from the Crusades, he's been weird.

-The stone.

(Tom): You're too intense for me, Gary.

The other half of the stone.

Come on, we had
this date circled.

I can feel its power growing.

(Tom): I just don't believe
an arch nemesis who's 5'8" and bald.

(Mike): Oh, no, we didn't get
the radon test done.

(eerie music)

The two halves.

They're coming together.

Well, I guess we're done.

(Tom): Who is messing
with the fog box?

(Mike): Are you guys talking in here?
It is bedtime.

(Tom): Oh, Santa's been here, oh.
(giggles)

(lightning cracks)

-Jerry, no, too soon.
-(moaning and groaning)

(Tom): It wasn't a good idea
to build on an ancient burial mound.

(Troxartas yells)

(Mike): Well, look who's up.

Good morning, bright eyes.

(Tom): And a couple of folderols.

(Troxartas laughs maniacally)

Hey, somebody TPed your ghost.

(Mike): And you, you nut,
get over here.

Your quest begins.

(Tom): Tuesday.

Look alive, people.

Didn't you hear what I said?

(Tom): I've been sent to ask you
to put on pants, please.

(Mike): Well, back to the quest,
huh, guys? All right.

Well, I guess we're not gonna
go to bed after all, are we?

Have you seen the instructions
for this thing?

-Uh, no, I don't know where they--
-Hi, guys.

Renaissance Festival all over?

Oh, yeah. We felt like we'd really given
you enough ren festiness--

Yeah, Mike, we think we may
have been a little hard on ya.

Oh, pshaw. Come on,
I love the Renaissance Festival.

-Well, are you sure?
-Yeah.

Did you get your hand stamped
when you left last time?

Uh, no.

Well, then ye must pay
to enter our kingdom again.

$27.50, m'lord.

Welcome, ye old cow pie,
to the Renaissance Festival.

Huzzah, and good fortage,
ye old sack of lung oysters.

Join us now
at the fanny paddling pavilion.

-That's right, four dollars, please.
-Oh, all right.

Now bend over, Sir Dufus,
and prepare to honor thy king.

Ha-ha, again.

(chuckles) This is great,
I love the Renaissance Festival.

Huzzah!

Let the poor beggar up
so that he may be on his way.

There you go, Mike.
You okay now, honey?

Yeah, I'm fine, come on.

I mean, I paid the full price,
I want the full treatment.

Well, there isn't
any more stuff to do.

-I suppose he could pet the camel.
-(groans) Camel's dead.

Well, let's go pet
the dead camel then.

Huzzah!

(buzzing)
(All): Movie sign!

The camel, it's puffing.

(mechanical blips and whirs)

(yells in pain)

That was my sister's.

You told me your sister
died a long time ago.

You killed her.

I did not kill her.

If by passive neglect
she died, then yes.

She gave it to me.

After she died and I took it off her body.

He was able to wash
and go with Pert Plus.

Now, what do you
know about this?

I'm not telling you anything.

I wanna save what
precious little I do know.

I must be getting
close to the other one.

Where did your sister get it?

A guy who told her, "Brandy, you're a fine
girl what a good wife you would be,

but my life, my lover,
my lady is the sea," gave it to her.

Where did your sister get it?

(Mike): Look, there's a port on a western
bay, and it serves a hundred ships a day.

She got it from our father before he died.
We were little girls.

Now leave me alone.

-It hurts.
-I'm on your side.

I am on your side.

Everybody thinks it's easy
being a princess.

(Tom): But the hours suck.

What about seeing your
people being killed?

-Sure.
-What about having to walk

through the mud and the sun

to marry a man
you never even met?

I mean, where's all
the glamour in that?

(Mike): Or having the wrong
color panty hose?

I don't wanna marry
a man I never met.

I wanna go to Europe.

Who do you want to marry?

Not you.

(Tom): I'm afraid I don't
know them, but...

(Deathstalker laughs)

If I marry Troxartas,
he'll leave my people alone.

It doesn't matter
if I don't love him or not.

Maybe this Troxartas
will turn out to be

the handsome prince
you've always dreamed of.

The man's name is Troxartas,
what do you think?

You think he'll be handsome?

(Mike): I'm gonna go talk to a stick.

Princes are bred for it.

(Tom): Ever listen to that
one Stryker album?

Even if he is,

that's not the way love's
supposed to happen.

It should be
secret and shameful,

and leathery and dirty.

(Mike): Hey, wasn't I just
in a conversation?

(Tom): Come on, wake up.
Try a little Jimmy Dean pure pork sausage.

I think your stick is done.

(Mike): Okay, what'll I wear today?
This looks good, all right.

(Tom sighs) Must we see his
whole morning routine?

Hey, you didn't douse it, stir it,

and douse it again.

(Mike): Pavarotti.

Nothing better after you've robbed
a village than a nice woman.

(laughs evilly)

Is there a sheet
metal factory nearby?

(Tom): Knock it off.

When Trox's done fixing his IROC,

he's coming over
to kick your ass.

(Elizena groans)

(Mike): This will get him kicked out
of the Three Tenors.

(Elizena screams)

Ava Gardner.

Bocket, Bocket.

(Tom): Ix-nay on the olestation-may.

(Mike): Oh, my God, a cross-dresser.

Part human, part pig.

(Tom): Clint Howard
in The Bruce Springsteen Story.

A village under my protection
was attacked yesterday.

No, sir, it wasn't us.

I have trouble enough
with the peasants

without you causing any more.

Tell him about the thing.

(Mike): Please, we have tubes in our ears.

(Tom): And his Gutenberg Bible
stops the arrow.

Steve's wearin' his hood.

(Elizena gasps)

You'll come with me to my castle.

Well, Mom's castle.

There was this awful man.

And he attacked me, and I've
been traveling such a long way.

-And then, and then these--
-And you are called?

(Tom): I have an idea, shut up.

The Princess Elizena.

So, I've found my lost bride at last.

Oh, you're a guy.

(makes cartoonish
stuttering vocalization)

(Tom): Priscilla, Queen
of the Desert.

-Troxartas.
-Could you paint my van?

You shall ride your horse.

(Mike): My name is Prince
and I am funky.

Back to the castle.

Saddle up, Wildfire.

(Tom): Anthony.

Anthony.

(Mike): Why does she live at
the primate house at the Milwaukee Zoo?

Hmm, stucco kinda
got out of control.

(Mike): Stalking death as usual.

(Tom imitates turkey)

(Mike): Hey, I know those guys.

She didn't have so
much as a bracelet,

let alone a magic stone.

I'm moving back to
Downers Grove with Mom.

-Camisarde.
-(Tom): Tennis hog?

You wouldn't keep it
for yourself, would you?

Why?

The stone's what you want.

And you're what I want.

(Tom): You want what she wants,
when she wants what I want.

(Troxartas): Go in there
and get her dressed.

(Camisarde): In what?

She only has those rags she came in.

Give her something of yours then.

Something beautiful and soft.

Wait, something of mine.

So you can go to bed with her?

Yes.

(Tom): Can I have more
bubble bath back here?

Now do as you're told.

Boy, that man can dress.

(Tom): Am I gaining weight, Hal?

They're guarding
the gnat-a-torium.

(warrior screams)

-There's no water in the moat.
-(Tom): Oops.

(Mike): This movie's like playing Doom
when there's no monsters or opponents.

You'll ride out at dawn.

(Tom): And don't trip
over the dead guard.

I thought you said
the girl had the stone.

She didn't.

(Mike): Um, you know what I'm sayin'.

-He's out there.
-Loving me.

-Somewhere.
-(Tom): Please don't sing, sir.

(crowd yelling)

(Mike): The wine cellars of Ernest
and Julio Deathstalker.

That guy can really
wear a boat neck.

Just a little hero here.

Deathstalker.

(Mike): Your tunic is tucked
into your underpants.

Oh, I'm sure we've met,
I can't quite recall the name.

Troxartas.

(Mike): Truck's artist, good.

I was thinking maybe the cover
of "Mars Hotel" on my van.

This is my home.

Ah.

I'd like to talk to you.

That's very kind. I was just
on my way in for a little dinner.

-But maybe later.
-I think now.

(Tom): Friday's welcomes
the D. Stalker party.

(Mike gasps) Can Head and Bucket Face.

(Tom): I am going to put you in fur.

I always like a nice
conversation before dinner.

(Tom): And a little doobage,
if you got it.

(chuckles)

(Tom and Crow):
♪ Oh-wee-oh, wee-yo-oh

Oh, ancient knick knacks.

(Deathstalker):
Nice place you've got here.

(Mike): Can the balloon juice, Stalker.

Let's not waste one
another's time, Deathstalker.

Harvey's Bristol Cream?

I saw a scar on the man's face downstairs.

I put that scar there,
must be, oh, five years ago.

Thank you.

(Tom gasps) He's not wearing pants!

(All cry out in shock)

And here he is, drinking
wine and chasing women.

(Mike): Spo-dee-oh-dee.

Where's the stone, Deathstalker?

Last time I saw the stone, Nicias had it.

Then he got grabbed
by some soldiers.

You wouldn't by any chance
know whose soldiers they are, would you?

(knocking)
Come in.

Is my Aunt Minnie in there?

(Tom): Katarina Witt.

I believe you've
met my future bride.

Oh, yes, yes.

Lovely outfit.

(Mike): Uh, sir, do you really
need me at this meeting?

I understand you
killed her sister.

No.

Jeez, you can watch her
digest food in that outfit.

(Deathstalker): No, your men get
the credit for that.

Now, why would they--

To keep her from
finding Nicias.

(Mike): To keep her from
findin' Nicias. (mumbles)

They got there
too late, Troxartas.

She found me.

And now you're here
to kill me for this?

But it won't work.

(Tom): No, it's a simple matter
of what the hell is going on?

Jeez.

Guys, I'm real busy.

(Mike): Okay, counter-block, good.

Do not look behind me.

-(Troxartas): The stone.
-(Tom): Sir, we're out of ice.

Sorry, didn't know I was interrupting.
Sorry about that.

(Deathstalker grunts in pain)

(ethereal tones)

(Mike): Answer unclear,
ask again later.

(Tom): I'm supposed to get a break.

There's a third stone.

I'm passing it.

(thunder rolls)

(All groan in disgust)

(Mike): Wow, he's Hasselhoffing it,
big time.

(Deathstalker groans)

Real Sex 58.

This will be much easier
for you if you talk.

About what?

-(Tom): You know, stuff.
-You have both the stones.

The third stone.

(Mike): Milburn?

(Deathstalker): What third stone?

(laughs)

(All join in)

Oh, Nicias, that crafty old trickster,
yes.

Her blouse seems
to be pinching.

I'll tell you what,
you untie my hands.

(Mike): And then I'll be untied.

And I'll find him and
wring his neck for you.

Stop pretending you
don't know where he is.

It will be much easier
for you and for him.

(Tom): His area mocks us.
I can't look.

(Mike): Just using a little Tarn-X here.

Troxartas wants to know
where the third stone is,

and I mean to be the one
who finds it for him.

Instead of all of those
barbarians downstairs.

(Mike): Oh, come on, they're Italian,
but they're nice enough.

You are much too beautiful
a woman for the likes of him.

Do you think I'm beautiful?

Oh, the face of an angel.

(Tom): Der weisse Engel.

And I'm very intelligent too.

Did you go to college?

(electric sizzle)

(Tom): Ooh!
Must have rubbed up against a cat.

I invented these.

I'm actually quite
proud of them.

(Mike): They're on QVC.

He really doesn't
appreciate me, you know?

(Tom): Can this marriage be saved?

(ominous music)

(Mike): My weird hairless chest!

Okay, we've seen
his crotch, his pits,

inside his mouth, up his nose,
what's left?

Oh, God.

You will tell me
where the wizard is.

Not even if I knew.

I will now read every
Crankshaft ever published.

(Mike): Wait, what's down there
that you would... Oh.

(Tom): Hang on, demon entering me.

Be just a minute.

That was suggestive, right?

(Mike): Of something.

Uh, you had the Earl Grey?

I knew a man like you once.

(Tom): Didn't like him.

He was wonderfully handsome,
and strong, and brave.

Wait, he wasn't
like you at all.

He lasted almost a week.

(Mike): Was he George S. Kaufman?

You will tell me where the wizard is.
Won't you?

(Tom): I know where the wizard is.

It'd be such a shame to spoil
that beautiful face of yours.

(Tom): My wife's coffee.

Boom.

Oh, it's your face
I can't stop thinking about.

Don't change the subject.

It alters the meaning
of the sentence.

I'm going to count to five.

One.

What on Earth would he want
with another woman when he's got you?

Three.

What happened to two?

I'm losing my patience with you.

-(Tom): Do you need a time out?
-Four.

It's not going to be very long
before she's got him tying you up in here.

He's going to kill her
when he gets what he wants.

Hey, check it out.
He's goin' on a little campin' trip.

-(Tom giggles) Oh, wow!
-Five.

-(Deathstalker grunts)
-(Camisarde screams)

(Mike): Swirly, swirly, whoo!
Hee-hee-hee.

(Tom): Drink it, drink it all.

All right, some of this.

(Tom): Ooh, I love this.

I wish I was the kind of man
who could kill a woman.

(Mike): Instead, I just repulse them.

(muffled screams)

Sounds like a howler monkey.

(Crow imitates monkey)

(muffled shouts)

(Tom imitates muffled shouts)

Ah, yes, he's truly
an admirable man.

Let's move back here,
get a running start.

(muffled yelling)

(Mike imitates monkey)

(Tom): I know, I know.

Nice pits.

(ethereal whoosh)

(Tom): Ah, our red herring is back.

Ah, room to room transport.

Very difficult, Captain.

Nicias?

(Mike): From Denver?
Man, this is great.

Hey, we did Superstar together.

(Troxartas laughs)

-(Tom): Do ya love this guy?
-Guard.

(All giggle)

Well, what can
you add to that?

(Mike): I love that you don't
color your hair.

I'm under a spell.

Makes me talk
like James Doohan.

I can no more talk
about the third stone

than I can bite my own teeth.

Do you need a lozenge?

You claim to be a magician.

(Mike): Did you leave the house with three
different kinds of rope this morning?

Break the spell.

Don't you think I've tried?

Do you think I prefer going
from village to village,

year after long year,

forecasting the health of goats?

(Tom): Oy.

That's no life
for a man my age.

(Tom): I should be playing
canasta with Saruman.

Who cast the spell?
We'll find them.

(Mike): How many woodchucks
died for that coat?

He's long dead.

-You can torture me if you like.
-(Tom): Oh, goody, I'll go get Laurence.

I'll scream, but I won't be able to talk.

-(Mike): Hello?
-If you want to kill me...

Get in line.

Go ahead.

I don't have very much
to live for, really.

Oh, I like The Simpsons, I suppose.

The goats will be happy.

No matter whether I visit them.

(Mike): He's a wandering goat visitor?

Here, drink this.
This'll put crepe hair on your chest.

I will find that stone.

(Tom): I wasn't done rambling.

If your magic
isn't strong enough...

(Mike): Maybe your odor will
take care of it.

Mine will be.

Ha-ha, I was inside,
now I'm outside, ha.

(Tom): Got to get back
inside the castle.

I need more hot
metal on my groin.

(Mike): ♪ This little light of mine ♪

(All): ♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪

♪ This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine ♪

(Tom): Jeez, it's my gym coach.

Jeez, I ditched practice,
he's gonna be so mad.

Do you know how
severely back-lit you are?

I thought you were one of them.

(Tom): Oh, no, he's gonna
snake it in again.

-(all groan in disgust)
-I hate this.

(Mike): Open your mouth a little wider
and just climb inside.

What are you doing here?

I followed you.

(Tom): I think you're way cool.

Did you enjoy seeing
me get tortured?

You may be sorry.

Stay here, alright?

(Tom): Dee Snider had less
hair than this woman.

Waylon Jennings.

(Tom): More snot mead, anyone?

Who are you?

Smelled your food.

That was the last guy's name.

You really don't think
I'd be foolish enough

to walk in here without men
to back me up, do you?

You think we'd fall
for that old line?

(Tom): Mr. Smell Your Food.

I know you.

(Tom): You're Alvy Singer.

I thought it was you back at the castle.

(Tom): Hey, it's Alvy Singer.

You're the only man who
ever bested me in a fight.

And it was a fair fight too.

Here, eat.

-Thank you, Cheech.
-No, no, thank you.

You go right ahead.

Bring your men down here.

There's plenty of rotten snake entrails
for everyone.

You're always a good
judge of men, Deathstalker.

(chuckles)

(Tom): Guess what I've been doing.

You know, Gragas,

I could have sworn I killed you
in that fight.

You did, you did.

-I did?
-Yeah.

Oh, that-that explains everything.

We were all killed
one way or another.

Mostly by Troxartas.

You mean you're all dead?

Uh-huh.

The magic of Troxartas
brought us back.

Could he bring my perm back to life?

It's not so bad.

You know, for some of us,
it's like a second chance at life.

But some of the others though,

they've been dead
for a long time.

And they liked it that way.

It's not so much fun for them.

We walk only to
serve Troxartas.

Right now he's got us
looking for some damn wizard.

And for you too, Deathstalker.

(Mike): Thank you, Don Novello.

You know, Makut's men caught the wizard.

(Tom): You've got the weekend off.

Why did they not tell us?

We've got to get e-mail.

I don't think he's very fond of you guys.

Nor we of them.

Nor their master.

Well then, if you're as tired
of Troxartas as I am,

perhaps together we could--

No, we couldn't.

He owns our souls.

Yeah, he's got 'em sealed up
in a jar back at the castle.

And while he's got 'em,
we're forced to do his bidding.

I can get you that jar.

(Tom): And the $500.

If that were possible.

Guys, what do you think?

We must obey Troxartas.

(Woman gasps) Deathstalker.

Linda Lavin.

What about the girl?

She is of no concern to us.

May I speak with her then?

(Tom): Okay, but none of your
living person tricks.

I won't let them take you.

-I'll fight them.
-Shh.

Can we get you a napkin?

(sighs) You always show up
just when I need you.

I need you alive though.

Now go find Pyron.

-(Mike): "Pirate"?
-Tell him to gather the people...

-(Mike): Pontius Pilate?
-...by the walls of the castle.

And wait for my signal.

All right?

(Mike): Um, you're kissing
your own hand.

(Tom): Go on, find Pilate.
Go on, go on with it, find Pilate.

(Crow): Okay, I should find a pirate
and put him by a wall.

I hope it's not too late to discuss this.

(Tom): Scum face, wanna handle this?

(Mike): Where are my quesadillas?

(Man): Ahh!

(Mike): Jim was right when he said "Ahh!"

-Welp, dig in.
-(Tom): Mm.

(Tom gasps) Corpse
baked in parchment.

Mmm.

(man chuckles)

(Mike): What?

No, come on,
let me in on the joke.

You're certain he didn't have it on him?

Yes, lord.

-Put the body in the crypt.
-And get me my scalp wax.

I'll deal with it later.

(Tom): You look lovely tonight, sir,
with your creamy white neck and all.

(Mike): Van Morrison.

-Nicias.
-Yes, Jerkias?

I never understood...

(Tom): Mark Cohn.

...what you saw in Deathstalker.

(Mike): Oh, come on, are you blind?

Perhaps he'll do me better service
in my new army.

(Tom): What do you think?
Huh, huh, like it, hmm?

Okay, we drop him off in
the crypt, our job done.

Back to the party.

(Mike): Uh, you're not leaving
him there, are you?

Could you bring him around back?

Hello?

Oh, Troxartas always
told me to get a shipping receipt.

(Tom): She's got Merle Haggard sideburns.

(Mike): I'm gonna wiggle his nipple.

Report damage immediately to UPS.

I'm glad they killed you.

(Elizena gasps and screams)

That's not a nice thing
to say to an old friend.

Surprised are you, huh?

You killed my sister.

(grumbles) For the last time,
I did not kill your sister.

But you're about to marry the man who did.

-You're a liar.
-And you're in love.

You'd fall in love with any man who'd give
you a hot meal and perfumed bath water.

-(Mike): Well, Prince would.
-He's probably gonna kill you next.

He's gonna marry me.

-(Tom): I'm more pert than you.
-Why don't you take me to Nicias?

He'll tell you the truth.

I'll take you to Troxartas.

It's a smug-off.

You know, Carissa was worth 10 of you.

(Mike): Well, according to
yesterday's market.

Sandy was worth 11.2 of you,

and Mary 10 and three-eighths of you.

(Tom): Opa!

I'm glad he gets hit a lot.

(coughs)

(Mike): You know, patchouli oil
should take care of the pot smell.

(Tom): Uh-oh, blackened
catfish got outta control.

(coughs)

(Camisarde): He tied me up.

Not now.

Haven't you wondered
where I've been?

-Deathstalker, he--
-Not now.

I'm delousing the wizard.

I was there all night.

By myself!

Not now, my magic's working.

(Mike): Gotta start the smoke,
stir the sauce,

all the time watchin'
the helicopter.

Deathstalker, gone.

Elizena, a few hours of life left.

(Tom): I can't find the skating rink.

That bra flattens
and separates.

(Troxartas): No power in the world
will stand against me.

Talk.

(Mike): Can I grab
my Teen Beat out of there?

(Troxartas): Even let you
bring Elizena in.

(Tom): Talk!

(Troxartas): And kill her yourself.

Because I'm fearful,
I must be Elizena.

(Troxartas): You'd like that,
wouldn't you? (laughs)

Talk!

(Mike): I'm sorry,
I keep bursting out with, "Talk!"

(Tom): Um, I can't find my sweater.

Don't be dead.

It takes more muscles
to be dead than to be alive.

Please don't be dead.

I need your help.

Deathstalker.

He's going to kill me.
You were telling the truth.

I didn't want to believe you.

So, now you come
running to me for help.

Please, he's going to kill me.

Oh, come now,
the dashing prince?

The love of your life?

(Mike): May they never meet. (chuckles)

What else can I tell
you about myself?

I was wrong.

Oh, yeah.

Can't a person be wrong?

(Tom): Is that a Rubbermaid
garbage can?

Take me to Nicias.

(Tom): Dig-a-licious?

(Mike): Dig-a-licious.

(Tom): I suppose.

(Mike): Yeah, dig-a-licious.

-(crowd chatter and laughter)
-To brave knights!

I'd like to say,
"Ha, ha, ha, ha."

(Mike): Uh, Cindy,
you're in my dinner salad.

If you could move.

And to brave drinks!

(Tom): I don't get the living.

Music.

I take Music for 50.

(soft music)
(Tom hums to music)

-Gragas.
-Have you done it?

I'm working on it. Could you
hang onto something for me for a minute?

(Gragas): You know who that is?

I just got a second
chance at life,

and I doubt if I'll ever get a third.

All you're entitled to is one.

Just keep her safe for a few minutes,
I'll be back.

(Mike): Okay, just blend in
with the dead guys. That's good.

(All sing softly)

You'd better keep your promise.

Just send one of your men
out to the tower in about 10 minutes.

I'll see to it from there
that your souls are free.

Are those dead minutes
or regular minutes?

Oh, so I see.

You like your women deaf, too?

(Tom): Oh, sure, go on.
Pick on the dead guys.

-(Mike): Hey Saruman, hand check.
-Gone.

He's got a disease
only wizards get.

A kingdom fallen.

The first stone.

Should cost two months salary.

The second stone.

Carissa.

Pizza!

The third...

-hidden.
-(Troxartas): Where?

The castle.
The tower.

(Mike): Of the bank parking lot.

-(Camisarde): The tower?
-(Tom): No, wait, the library.

I hid the stone in--

Yes, yes, yes,
where'd you hide it?

-Where you'll never find it.
-(All): But we-- Huh?

Troxartas.

Guards, stop him.

The chilling sound of
cardboard against cardboard.

(Tom): These guys are lamer
than Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

(mechanical blips and whirs)
(bubbling)

(Crow hums a tune)

Clayton.
Clayton.

-Clayton.
-Mother.

I'm going to go get you some Robitussin.

Is there anything else you need?

-No.
-All right, fine.

-See if they have any
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

Yes, all right, goodbye, Mother.
Anything else?

-No.
-All right.

See if they have any Nails Be Strong.

Yes, goodbye, Mother. (smooches)

(groans) Clayton.

Baby Jesus, I hope I don't
die before you get back.

Art?

Art?

-Art?
-Hey, Pearl, how ya feelin'?

Not good, Art, not good.

I'm dying, you know.

Art, Pearl could use
some cheering up.

Do you have the book
Love's Sweet Throbbing Gondola?

Gee, I'm not sure.

Oh, here it is.

Oh, good.

Art, be a sweetie
and read to Pearl.

Sure. (clears throat)

"It was a time of war
throughout the land.

Young and fiercely beautiful,

the lovely Delilah had seen
enough of the bloodshed."

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's fine, Art.

Skip to page 137.

And do the voices, Art.

"Her heaving milky white breasts betrayed
their confinement

as they struggled to meet
the touch of Antonio's hands.

Delilah tore hungrily
at Antonio's dungarees,

which slipped to the floor
like so many curtains

in a blustery summer storm.

Her womanly being was
dewy from anticipation

as he stood before her,

golden and glistening
with turgid yearning."

And then it just
goes on from there.

Uh, let's see.

"Pulling her close
to him", blah, blah.

"Yielding petals of womanhood.

'Oh, Antonio,' she cried out,

flesh bursting with pleasure."

And so forth.

Okay.

"And the war continued
to rage across the land

like a grass fire in the desert."

Wait, hold on.

I think I skipped a few pages.

Nope.

Mother? Mother?

Are you all right?

There was a small golden man

reading to me from a dirty book.

Of course, Mother, yes.

(Tom hums)

(Mike): They're on the Rio Bravo set.

What?

Why do I have to
do everything myself?

(Tom): Hey, my trashy chic.

(Mike chuckles) This is one of the most

ambitiously bad movies we have ever done.

All right, bottle rockets.

(Tom): Ah, the signal
for the college painters to arrive.

(Mike): Remember, top rung
not to be used as a step.

Who are we?

(Tom): It opens in.

(crowd yells)

(Mike): I assume you're on
my side, so welcome.

(Mike quietly): Huzzah.
Huzzah, huzzah, huzzah.

Whoops!

(Tom): Hey, wait, wait.
You have to hold still, wait there.

(Mike): He stabbed him in the butt.

(Tom): It's kind of like Waterworld,
where the smokers attacked the thing.

Only this holds together better.

(Mike): We really need to find Barabbas.
Could you help us find Barabbas?

It's the Judean People's Front.

Or the People's Front of Judea.

(Tom): Okay, let's figure this out.

We may be killing each other,
and be on the same side.

(Mike): Jeffrey Tambor is Saint Joan.

Hold on, honey.

Hank, do that thing.

Guards, take her! Move!

(Tom): Why bring her with
if she's just gonna be taken away?

This will be your last night.

We'd like to
get a group photo.

All your souls will be mine.

You're wrong, Troxartas.

(Mike): I get to keep the glass.

Free men decide
their own fates.

-(metallic clank)
-(Tom): The bowling trophy.

(strange whirring)

Oh, no, the souls
have gone over.

(Mike groans) What are you lookin' at?

Stop them!

(Mike): Stop who from what?

(Troxartas): Obey me!

Not anymore.

Lads, stop him.

(Tom): Let's try to work up
some enthusiasm here.

-(crowd shouts)
-(Tom): There we go.

And the souls just float up
to the ceiling and hang out there.

(Mike): I dumped the souls thingy.

(Mike): Get to the choppers.

They mustn't reach Nicias.

(Tom): That's a line I would have trimmed.

The whole movie's been leading up
to how they mustn't reach Nicias.

(Mike): What's the point?
I mean, really.

(soldier groans in pain)

Sorry, we're down the hall.
Our mistake.

(Tom): Ah, what have you done?

Take him.

(Mike): What the--?
Oh! You clever bastard.

So, the editor's working with you.

I believe you have
something of mine.

(both grunting)

Oh, look. He's gonna take
his bra out through his shirt.

(Mike): Ew, the bed's all wet.

(Tom): Lovely pas de deux.

Deathstalker, no.

That's my pectin.

(mystical tones)

-(Mike): It's Rudolf's nose.
-The third stone.

(Tom): It's something we should explain
at some point.

(Mike): I'm not gonna touch it.

Get him out of here!

-A little light for a wizard.
-(grunting)

(Mike): Come on!
What did you mean by that?

Come back.

(Tom): Hey, Ted, I think
I got your soul.

Were you kind of a jerk? Did you have
the ability to lie without remorse?

(Troxartas yells)

Did you say "achtung"?

(both grunting)

(Mike): The alternate ending
to Ice Pirates.

(Tom): Would you try to stab me?
Do I have to do everything?

It was a good idea
to film the walk-through.

(Mike): Come on, give me that.

Don't be a big ass, come on.

(Tom): Ah, well, that went nowhere.

(Deathstalker yells)

Oh, yeah. Like,
I seen you comin' 20 minutes ago.

(Mike): Well, this movie made it possible

for two more actors
to put stage fighting on their resume.

(Tom): This?
This is not acting.

It's running and jumping
and fighting and humping.

We are still fighting
bravely for our vague goal.

(Mike): Been dead for 300 years,
and I still got it.

Never chop at a guy's legs
when he's on the stairs.

He's gonna do that.

There can be only one or two.

(Mike): Gentlemen, we need to
clean the banquet room.

If you could...

(Tom): Just hold me. (sobs)

(yelling)

Trash talking
wasn't very good yet.

All you could say was (yells).

(Mike grunts and groans)

The new pope is Arrgh.

(Tom): Oh, Popeye,
I've got an arrow in my chest.

Oh, I'm dying. (grumbles)

(Mike): That's great, but
what about the bald guy?

Thank you, random revelers.

(All): Sampo, sampo.

All right, wiz.

I will kill him.

She can't hurt me.

There will be no lies
from you today, Nicias.

If I cut, you will bleed.

(Nicias): Just come and take her.

(Troxartas): You'll have to take me first.

-(Tom): Drags the wizard back to the base.
-(bells toll)

Feel good.

(Mike): Yep, I got both blades.
Good, good.

What, are you fighting Liberace?

(Mike): Is this feeling
a little weird to you too?

(Tom): ♪ Let me begin the beguine ♪

♪ Once you have found him
Never let him go ♪

(Mike): No, don't--!
Get off my Infinity towers.

(Tom): Fight choreography
by Moe Howard.

You move one step closer,
and I will kill him.

(Tom): You can't get through
all that hair.

(Camisarde screams)

(Tom): I'll just be over here then.

(Nicias): Well, she proved one thing.

I'm human after all.

(groans)

(Gragas): You're not going to die.

(laughs)

(Mike): The dead have their
own brand of humor.

(suspenseful music)

♪ Conquistador, your stallion stands ♪

I'm Mr. B Natural.

(Mike): Hair Club For Men:
The Final Conflict.

(Tom):
♪ Altogether fighting tight to tight ♪

So, is it D. Stalker?

Or Death S. Talker?

(Mike): I think it was actually
"Dean Stalker", but he changed it.

(Tom): That makes sense.

That's a good balance point.

(Mike): Oh, you're here.

Watch, this is my
Robert Plant impression.

-(Deathstalker groans)
-(Mike): Ooh!

Caught him in the upper thigh there.

(grunting)

(Mike groans mockingly)

Oh, they're ruining
Andy Capp's pigeon cages.

(Tom): ♪ Ace is the place
With the helpful hardware man ♪

(tense music)

(Mike): You don't care.

Deathstalker.

(Tom): Thank you. (fakes echo)

That could be a new
outdoor record for sword toss.

(groans)

(Tom): Oh, wow, jeez.

That's a little uncomfortable.

Let me just yank that
sword out of me there.

(Mike): That was rude.

They're playing the chord
from A Day in the Life.

You know, he looks like
Sam the American Eagle.

-(Tom): He does.
-(Crow): Two out of three.

(explosion)

(Tom): Okay.

Oh, apparently he eats
jellied gasoline on toast every morning.

(beeping)

-(Tom): What?
-(Mike): Tron?

(Marinda groans in pain)

My life wasn't virtuous enough.

I love you.

(Tom): Quick, jam a potato in the wound.

You were my first tuber.

(Mike): I'll never eat
home fries again.

(melancholy melody)

(Tom): Kyoto, Japan, present day.

Wrapped in foil,
she was buried in coals on the beach.

(Tom): ♪ She came from somewhere ♪

(Mike): Look, shut up.

(Tom): Sorry.

Come on, let's roll.
He doesn't know me.

(Tom sniffles) Make sure
you crimp the foil good.

And poke her with a fork
so she doesn't explode.

(sobs lightly)

(Mike): Forget it, Jake,
it's Chinatown.

That must be ye forensic pathologist.

(Tom): She's gone,
you can stop lookin' there. Honey?

(Mike): Wow, rigor mortis.

They must have pounded pieces
of rebar through her body.

Hey, mister. You mind
if we throw our leaves in there?

(Tom): Ooh, the stink!
Smells like rotten potatoes.

(Mike):
This was her favorite stick. (sobs)

Boy, that Freeze and Shine
sure goes up fast.

(Tom): He's overwhelmed with
feelings of ambiguity.

(Mike): Well, I have to say,
she was all right-a.

(Tom): Let's bring out
the entire cast for a bow.

Hey, man, anytime
you wanna talk.

I know you're riding
a major bummer.

It is you who've earned

the right to put these together.

Why is Gabby Sabatini in back there?

(Tom): Oh, and everyone
went in on a card.

This magic.

It can't give me what I need.

(Tom): We're going back to that field and
jump up and down if you want to join us.

Well, we'll take it back
if you don't want it.

How does it show where
the city of treasure is?

(Tom): It works with a satellite that
triangulates several points on the Earth.

♪ The Wonderful World of Color ♪

(Carissa): All my life, my people have
dreamed of a kingdom of their own.

(Tom): And now, with the stone,
we can go look for one.

-(Carissa): Now we have one.
-(Mike): Wait.

(joyous medieval music)

(Mike): Well, by jeweled cities,
they meant dirt

and horse dung and cheap stucco.

Stay with me.

And live in peace
and prosperity?

(Tom): Hey, Gandalf,
it's like 98 out.

Jeez.

(Mike): They need a smug bastard
in the next village.

You told me once it's not easy
being a princess.

Sure did, goodbye.

It's not easy
being a hero either.

(Tom): Never before has an entire medieval
city throw up at the same moment.

Who knows, maybe there's
another treasure city

waiting for me out there.

There isn't.

Not that you've seen.

-(Mike): They should find the first one.
-Who knows.

You're never
coming back, are you?

(Crow imitates music)

(crowd cheers)

(Mike): He's leaving, our long
national nightmare is over.

(Tom and Crow) Yay.

I wouldn't really
have killed you.

I find you very attractive.

Oh, man, I've got
to write Radagast.

He'll never believe this.

(Tom): Don't stop, just keep going.
No, don't stop.

Faster.

(Mike): No, this is a door,
that's a blind alley.

(Tom): Left a lot of things unresolved.
There's some loose ends back there.

Yeah, the girl didn't
roast all the way.

What should we do with her?

(Mike): ♪ Chisum, John Chisum ♪

(Tom imitates music)

(speaks in gibberish)

(Mike): Music by a total spaz.

(Tom): Dead warriors as themselves.

(Mike): There really wasn't any death
stalking in this film, was there?

(Tom): Gettin' all
Keith Emerson-y on us now.

-(Mike): Emerson-y.
-(Tom): Emerson-y.

It's hard to say.

(all imitate music)

(Mike): Uh, Mr. Relson?

The shot's done.
You can come back, Mr. Relson.

(Tom): Everybody.

(all imitate music)

(Mike): ♪ You can dance if you want to ♪

♪ You can leave your friends behind ♪

♪ 'Cause your friends don't ♪

All the underpaid Mexicans.

(Tom): Yes, your NAFTA
dollars at work.

(Mike): This doesn't get
annoying at all, does it?

Isn't this side two
of Terrapin Station?

I'd like to shoot everybody in this movie,
entirely in Mexico.

(all imitate music)

(mechanical blips and whirs)
(bubbling)

Hey.

Hey, Servo, you gonna help
us out with this letter?

(Tom): In a minute, Miker.
Almost done here.

(metallic clanging)
Okay, all right.

Well, we have a letter here from, uh,
Shane MacGowan of the Popes.

Hi, Shane.

No, Mallory MacGowan.
I'm kidding.

He wouldn't write a letter.

Dear Mystery Science Theater 3000,
how are you?

-Fine.
-I'm fine. I'm almost 10.

Can I have everyone's photograph?

I think, you know, if she's 10,
she's old enough.

I watch your show every weekend.

Will you please write back?

-You do that.
-I'm right on it.

I have one brother
and one sister.

I live in Morro Bay.

Well, got to go.

It was getting a little long.

So, thank you, Mallory.

That's a nice letter there.

Whew, boy, let me tell ya.
There you go, Mike.

Got a wild hare and forged us up
a ring of power.

You know, one ring to rule us all.

One ring to find us.

One ring to bring us all,
and in the darkness, um...

-Bind us.
-...bind us. Yes, very good.

Why don't ya slip that on,
see what happens.

Oh, sure, okay.

-(Crow and Tom Servo gasp)
-There we go.

-Oh.
-Hmm.

-No.
-Nothin', huh?

-No
-Nobody feels bound?

-No.
-Well, you know what,

I'll bet the fire
wasn't just hot enough.

Why don't you give me back that ring,
and I'll zap around for another minute.

-Sure.
-Put it in the old forge,

see what happens.

-Okay, be careful now.
-I'll be right back.

Okay.
We'll be right here.

(Tom): Whoa. (yells)

(Deep Voice): Why hast thou summoned me
from Caza Doom?

Speak.

(laughs nervously) It's okay.

It's under control.
Fire is just a little hot.

There, there, there.

Whew.

There, that oughta do it.
Why don't ya try that on, Mike?

-Uh, sure.
-Careful, it's a little hot.

Oh, it's fine.
Okay.

Yeah, I think that's got it.

Feels like it's bringing us all,

and in the darkness, you know.

Binding us.

Great, great. Just don't wear it
around any Nazgul.

But you probably know that.

And if you have any questions,
I'll be over here,

forgin' up those seven rings
for the dwarf lords

and their halls of stone.

Right-o.

(Pearl moaning)

Clayton.

Clayton, Clayton.

Clayton.

Clayton, Clayton.

Clayton.

Clayton, Clayton.

Clayton.

Clayton.

Clayton?

Clayton?

Clayton, Clayton.

Clayton?

(theme music)

Potatoes are what we eat.