Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 7, Episode 23 - The Amazing Transparent Man - full transcript

{\a1\pos(222,460)}♪ In the not
too distant future ♪

{\a1\pos(117,460)}♪ Way down in Deep 13 ♪

{\a1\pos(96,460)}♪ Doctor Forrester
and TV's Frank ♪

{\a1\pos(201,460)}♪ Were hatching
an evil scheme ♪

{\a1\pos(96,460)}♪ They hired a temp
by the name of Mike ♪

{\a1\pos(138,460)}♪ Just a regular Joe
they didn't like ♪

{\a1\pos(96,460)}♪ Their experiment needed
a good test case ♪

{\a1\pos(138,460)}♪ So they conked him
on the noggin' ♪

{\a1\pos(12,460)}♪ And they shot him into space ♪

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Mike] Get me down!

{\a1\pos(180,460)}♪ We'll send him
cheesy movies ♪

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-♪ The worst we can find ♪
-♪ la la la ♪

{\a1\pos(96,460)}♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all ♪

{\a1\pos(33,460)}-♪ and we'll monitor his mind ♪
-♪ la la la ♪

{\a1\pos(96,460)}♪ Now keep in mind
Mike can't control ♪

{\a1\pos(96,460)}♪ where the movies
begin or end ♪

{\a1\pos(222,460)}♪ la la la ♪

{\a1\pos(12,460)}♪ He'll try to keep his sanity ♪

{\a1\pos(201,460)}♪ with the help
of his robot friends ♪

{\a1\pos(96,460)}♪ Robot roll call ♪

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-♪ Cambot ♪
- Cover yourself!

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-♪ Gypsy ♪
- I'm not ready!

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-♪ Tom Servo ♪
- Hello there!

{\a1\pos(264,460)}-♪ Crow ♪
- That's one "o"!

{\a1\pos(138,460)}♪ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes ♪

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-♪ and other science facts ♪
-♪ la la la ♪

{\a1\pos(96,460)}♪ Just repeat to yourself
it's just a show ♪

{\a1\pos(33,460)}♪ I should really just relax ♪

{\a1\pos(78,460)}♪ For
Mystery Science Theater 3000{\r} ♪

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[doors closing]

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Hi there! Welcome to
the Satellite of Love{\r} .

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Hey, this here
is my science project.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Servo! Let me out!

{\a1\pos(57,460)}I-- I think I'm having
some sort of reaction to Ethel.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}That's ether, Crow.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Yes, this here is the crown
jewel of my insect collection.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-Hodusrobotus horriblus.
-Servo. Servo, I mean it!

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Note the strong
and deadly mandibles.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Hey, watch this.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-[Tom makes noises]
-[Crow screams]

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[Tom laughs]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Stay tuned,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}after a commercial break,
we'll tear his wings off

{\a1\pos(204,460)}and burn him
with a magnifying glass.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom makes noises]

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I'll get the pliers.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Attica! Attica! Attica!
Attica!

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[theme music playing]

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Tom] I chase the...

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-How do I look?
-[Tom] Oh, great!

{\a1\pos(33,460)}-Terrific as a matter of fact.
-You're not just saying that,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}are ya? Cause I-- I-- I--
I feel kinda bloated.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}That's just the formaldehyde,
trust me,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-you're a fine specimen.
-Servo. My God.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-I don't believe this.
-Well, it's a...

{\a1\pos(12,460)}A black-banded Holomolina.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Do you have any idea
how rare those are?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[Tom] Oh yeah.
They're kinda rare--

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Uh, I don't mean
to interrupt but uh,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}I believe the Mads are calling.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-Oh, yeah.
-Sure. Whatever.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Really though, I'm impressed.
I mean, where in this kind of

{\a1\pos(96,460)}an area did you find one
of these.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Well, our bed and breakfast
seems to be taking off.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}As you can see, the bed
is completely filled.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Ted. Barb.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Rise and shine!

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Time to get up now. C'mon.
Get up. Get up. C'mon.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}C'mon. C'mon.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}-[slap]
-[shouting]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Well, well, well.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Good morning and welcome to

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Auntie McFrank's
Tangleberry Inn.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Auntie McFrank, you gave me
quite a bit of start there.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Oh, what a nice,
cheery wake-up call.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I trust you'll be joining us
for breakfast.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}-Oh, mais oui{\r} .
-Yes, according to the brochure,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}the Tangleberry breakfasts
are to die for.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Well put.
[chuckles]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Auntie McFrank, why don't
you fetch one

{\a1\pos(33,460)}of your scrumptious breakfasts
for Barb and Ted?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Oh, good.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Now, what are we having?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Oh, don't ask honey,
I wanna be surprised.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Right, sweets.
[chuckling]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-Now, Clay,
-Huh?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}you and Auntie McFrank,
do you umm,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}are you...

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Partners?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Yes, we're...

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-Ah! Here it is.
-Ah!

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Uh, now, um, what exactly do
we have...

{\a1\pos(264,460)}-Lo Mein.
-Oh, Lo Mein.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I'll heat it up for you,
if you like.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Some like it warm,

{\a1\pos(99,460)}-you know.
-No, no. Please don't bother.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Yeah. You know what, I tell you,
we're actually more interested

{\a1\pos(33,460)}in maybe taking a look around,
getting to know the area.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Uh, soaking in a little
of the local color.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Ah, the local color.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Yes. We understand
that you have a llama.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Ah, the llama.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Yeah. We'd love
to pet the llama.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Yes! Yes! Yes!

{\a1\pos(78,460)}Mike, did you guys put
on the stuff I sent up to you?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}It's time for the local color.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Suppose you folks want to touch
the llama, huh?

{\a1\pos(57,460)}That's right, huh?
You wanna touch this old llama?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Oh, you just go right ahead.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}You can touch the ol' llama
all you want.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}You can touch
the ol' llama all night

{\a1\pos(117,460)}till hell freezes over.
[chuckles]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Not me, though. Uh- huh.
No sirree, Bob.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I wouldn't touch
that old thing.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}llama hasn't been feeling
so good.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Whew. Smells funny too.
Whoa.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Smells really
kind of rank, you know?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}But you can touch it
if you want.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Ain't no law says you can't.
Ain't that right, Mikey?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Ain't there no laws that says
folks can't touch

{\a1\pos(78,460)}the smelly ol' llama
if they want, huh, Mikey, huh?

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Huh?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}You people bring matches
for Mikey?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}You shut up, Mikey,
you shut up!

{\a1\pos(33,460)}You folks don't give no matches
to Mikey, you hear me?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}You hear me? I don't care
what Mikey say or Mikey do.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Don't give him no matches!
I don't care

{\a1\pos(117,460)}if Mikey come crawling
in through your window.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Start making a big old mess!

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Don't you give no matches
to Mikey!

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Don't you give
no matches--

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-Shut up, Mikey!
-[Crow squawking]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-Shut up, llama!
-No!

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-Just shut up, under--
-No!

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Don't give him matches!
No matches to Mikey!

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Shut up, Mikey!

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Auntie McFrank]
Ted! Barb!

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Aren't you going to sign
the guest book?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Please, I want you
to write something cute

{\a1\pos(96,460)}and nice and enchanting,
please I have to--

{\a1\pos(54,460)}You'll pay for this, Nelson.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I was going to let
you watch Holiday Inn{\r} .

{\a1\pos(96,460)}But, not anymore. No! No!
Instead, you'll visit

{\a1\pos(12,460)}with the very inhospitable
Amazing Transparent Man{\r} .

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Put that in your llama
and smell it.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}You give me this pillow,
it doesn't need fluffing!

{\a1\pos(285,460)}[groan]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[laughing]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow] You can stop
that now, Mikey.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Oh, we got movie sign!

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[doors opening]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[laughing]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] Union Pacific makes
the best movies.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}[Tom] Shh, you guys.
This is my story. My story's on.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Mike] Is that a lung?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[music playing]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Tom] Ah, the best cast

{\a1\pos(96,460)}that Union Pacific
has to offer.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}[Crow]
If there's a reverend in it,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-you know it's gotta be good.
-[Tom] Amen.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Mike] Quite a coup getting
Francois Poulenc

{\a1\pos(180,460)}to do the music.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Tom] Herman Boxer and Joseph
Ansen were the Babaloo Mandel

{\a1\pos(33,460)}and Lowell Ganz of their time.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[Crow] Whoo,
Whiter Shade of Pale{\r} .

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] Go in peace to love
and serve Union Pacific.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Mike] So, we have 70 days
in each year?

{\a1\pos(78,460)}-[Tom] Pretty much.
-[Crow] We're gonna have to go

{\a1\pos(120,460)}a long way
to get back to train safety.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] Our car is kind of
a downer tonight.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[Mike] It's up
with brakemen.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] Castrati's greatest hits.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Tom] What, let's visit
Sister Bertrille.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[reverend] It is written
in the Old Testament,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}to each of us,
this allotment of years,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}three score and ten.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow] I sure tore
through mine.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[reverend] And in these years,
there is the time of man.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Tom] Yeah, shame
he died, huh?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[reverend] Time to fulfill
his destiny.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}To work together
with his fellow man

{\a1\pos(96,460)}in the wonderfully,
complex pattern

{\a1\pos(180,460)}of everyday life.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Crow] Ah, they really captured
the complexity.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[reverend] A time to be born,

{\a1\pos(141,460)}-[Tom] Oh yum.
-[reverend] A time to grow.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[reverend] To become aware
of the loveliness

{\a1\pos(138,460)}of all things living.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Tom] Sure, this beats
having friends.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[reverend] In the call
of youth to youth,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}to learn the happiest lesson
of all...

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[Crow] Dishes.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}...that the fullness of life
can only be tasted

{\a1\pos(96,460)}when our happiness
is shared with others.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[Tom laughing]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Tom] Alright. Go dad!

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[reverend] Later, a time
of maturity,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-to reflect, to relax,
-[Tom] It all sucked.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-[reverend] ...to enjoy.
-[Crow] I regret everything.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[reverend] Yes, this is the
heritage to which we are born.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}The blessings to which we may
all look forward.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Tom] Really going through
the funerals.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[reverend] Yet,
here in my parish,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}there are some
who can only look back.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow] I hate them.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[reverend] They are the victims,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}unable to reap
the full enjoyment

{\a1\pos(12,460)}of the days of their years.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Mike] Chief Justice,
Earl Warren.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[reverend] They are the victims
of themselves.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] I hate themselves.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[reverend] My church
is in a railroad town,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}not far from a big freight
terminal and repair shop.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}-[Mike] All mine.
-[reverend] In my congregation

{\a1\pos(96,460)}are railroad people
in every capacity.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Mike] Boy, he thinks loud.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[reverend] And not one
who isn't safety conscious.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Tom] Not one who isn't drunk.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[reverend] Accident-haters
all of us.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Hating the waste, the pain,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}the needlessness.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}[Crow]
The filth that is humanity.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[reverend] Yet, try as we may,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}do what we will,

{\a1\pos(99,460)}-there comes a time,
-[Tom] I'm bigger than Jesus.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[siren blaring]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Mike] Oh, no. The reverend
just killed again.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}[Crow]
Ironically, the ambulance driver

{\a1\pos(201,460)}hit four people
on the way there.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[Servo sobbing]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[reverend] A fellow worker
hurt.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Mike] Get out of town,
accident lover!

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[reverend] People
never get hardened

{\a1\pos(138,460)}to a sight like this.

{\a1\pos(225,460)}[Crow]
I had an accident, too.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[reverend] But, it isn't only
what happens

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-to the man in the ambulance.
-[Crow] No?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[reverend]
There's another story

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-behind most accidents.
-[Tom] Communism.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[reverend] The story,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}of what happens to the others.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}[Mike] The doctor's wife
had died, he paused to smell--

{\a1\pos(36,460)}[reverend] You might say,
I've got sort of an inside track

{\a1\pos(141,460)}when it comes
to knowing the inside story

{\a1\pos(96,460)}behind an accident.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}It strikes me that the ones
who are hurt most

{\a1\pos(96,460)}by the carelessness
that causes accidents

{\a1\pos(222,460)}are the ones
who weren't even there.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}[Crow]
I didn't hate accidents enough.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[Tom] Shame.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}I often stopped by here
for a cup of coffee.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}[Mike]
That's really interesting.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[reverend] Whenever I do,
I'm reminded

{\a1\pos(12,460)}of the things that happened

{\a1\pos(222,460)}to the people
who weren't even there.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-Oh, sure-- huh?
-[Mike chuckling]

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[reverend] I re-read the story
in the sad eyes

{\a1\pos(12,460)}of the girl who serves me.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}[Tom]
And it really pisses me off.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Crow] Yes, I'm ruddy.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-This is Helen.
-[Tom] Hi, Helen.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[reverend] Although,
she has never been

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-in an accident, Helen is,
-[Tom] She acts like she has.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}nevertheless,
an accident victim.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}[Mike]
Now can I get my pancakes?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[reverend] Her eyes were not
always sorrowful.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Once they were bright
and shiny.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Crow] Her coat glossy.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[reverend] Yes, I remember,
how those eyes used to glow

{\a1\pos(201,460)}whenever Helen
thought about Joe.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-Joe Tendler was--
-[Tom] It's a belt sander!

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-[Servo screaming]
-[reverend] In those days,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Joe was about as average
a young fellow

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-as you'd be likely to meet.
-[Mike] He sounds great.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[reverend] Young, easygoing,
good company.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow] Prone to violence.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[reverend] He hadn't a complaint
in the world.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Well, maybe one complaint.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}He was getting a little tired
of being a bachelor.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Eating on the run,
cleaning up your own place,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-[Servo laughing]
-if you got around to it.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}But all that was due
for a change pretty soon.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Tom] He'd chosen
his new look.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}[reverend] Yes,
Joe was a pretty lucky guy.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}Good job
as road electrical foreman,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}wonderful girl
who wanted nothing

{\a1\pos(117,460)}in the world more than
to be Mrs. Joe.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}-[Tom] So his name is Joe Joe?
-[Mike] I guess so.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[reverend] On his way to the job
that morning,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Joe had to stop by
to see Helen.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}There was something

{\a1\pos(180,460)}he'd forgotten to
give her last night.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}A taste of the spoiler.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Tom] I spilled my coffee,
it's hot!

{\a1\pos(33,460)}"In front of all these people,
behave!"

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Mike makes noises]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}But of course, Joe was behaving.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}The was any lucky, happy,
young fellow

{\a1\pos(96,460)}about to be married
would behave.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}It was only natural.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Joe had to take off in an hurry
to reach that job on time.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}He had a lot more women to kiss
on his route that morning.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[reverend] And Helen,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}well, she was on the job,
and her face

{\a1\pos(96,460)}had that glad look,
I'll always remember.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] My man is average.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[reverend]
It made people feel good

{\a1\pos(33,460)}just watching her feeling good.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}as she went
through the motions,

{\a1\pos(141,460)}[Tom]
I'm watching you feel good.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[reverend] Though she was quick
and sure and competent

{\a1\pos(117,460)}in everything she did,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-She spit in the eggs.
-[reverend] She was really

{\a1\pos(120,460)}a million miles away
from that little restaurant.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Tom] Mr. and Mrs. Joe Toast.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[reverend] A million miles away.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}-In a dream world, all her own,
-[Tom] Come over to this side.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow] Obey the toaster!

{\a1\pos(36,460)}[reverend]
That dream world had everything,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}a church, complete
with ministers,

{\a1\pos(78,460)}-saying the proper words.
-[Tom] You are getting sleepy.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[reverend] I was flattered
to be a part of Helen's dream.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-[Tom] Ew.
-[Crow] Ew.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[reverend]
There was a ring in it,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}and of course,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-a beautiful dress and veil.
-[Tom] For Joe.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[reverend]
And the handsome groom.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Mike] And me, of course.
[chuckling]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[reverend] And when the ceremony
was over,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}there was the first
of many, many kisses.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Crow] In my version,
things went a lot further.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[reverend] Yes, this was Helen's
very own dream.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}And she was going to make
it worth dreaming.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Tom] Well, I gotta get back
to my shift, honey.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[reverend] She wasn't skimping
on anything.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}[Mike]
She dreamed of tract housing.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[reverend]
There was that perfectly,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}scrumptious model house

{\a1\pos(96,460)}she'd been wanting
for all these years.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-[Crow] Squalor contemporary.
-[reverend] There it was,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}exactly as she'd imagined.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}And here they were,
what was the sense in waiting.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}[Tom]
Plan Five from Outer Space{\r} .

{\a1\pos(141,460)}[reverend]
The fastest sale on record.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}And while she was dreaming,
she'd furnished that house

{\a1\pos(138,460)}that very afternoon.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}So Joe could read
his evening paper

{\a1\pos(138,460)}on that pretty couch
that very night.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}-[Mike] Where's my damn dinner?
-[reverend] Where she could take

{\a1\pos(201,460)}that paper away
and cuddle close.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Tom] Ooh.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[reverend] She'd dreamed
of everything

{\a1\pos(138,460)}any dreamy young girl
had ever dreamed before.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Tom] They're in Hell!

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[reverend] Of crackling fires,
of dimmed lights,

{\a1\pos(264,460)}of love.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Crow] They should've
had a train scene here.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[reverend]
And even in her dreams,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Helen missed Joe
when he was gone.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}[Mike]
That was so incredibly average.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[reverend]
She was a clever dreamer,

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[baby cooing]

{\a1\pos(33,460)}so she arranged for little Joe
to be there to keep her

{\a1\pos(138,460)}from getting lonesome
when daddy was away.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Crow] Speaking of accidents.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[reverend]
Beginning of a new life,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}but the end of a dream.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}[Tom] Okay. Diaper
the toast and butter the baby.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[Servo buzzing]

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[reverend] But on the job late
in the afternoon of that day,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}the real-life Joe
was in a real live hurry.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}He hadn't seen his Helen
since early that morning.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[Tom singing]
♪ Wichita lineman ♪

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[reverend] "C'mon, you guys.
Get a move on.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Let's get out of here."

{\a1\pos(78,460)}[Crow]
He might've been heard to say.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[reverend]
To the impatient Joe,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}the men seemed almost
purposely stalling

{\a1\pos(12,460)}as they stowed their gear.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Tom] Joe smelled conspiracy
in everything.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[reverend] And now, the wheels
of fate were set in motion.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Call them the wheels of fate,
or the wheels of chance,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-[Tom] Or call them Ernie.
-[reverend] but consider,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}the man of the wheel
was in the driver's seat.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}[Tom]
Any case it involved a wheel.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[reverend] It was Joe
who was calling

{\a1\pos(117,460)}the turn of the wheel.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}[Mike]
Joe is the king of the world.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}[reverend]
They went through a stop sign,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Better take it easy, Joe.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}[Crow]
Get out of my head, reverend!

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[music playing]

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Tom] Joe's thirst for danger
seems quite reasonable.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}[reverend] The others,
they were along for the ride,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}whether they liked it or not.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Liked it? They hated it.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-[Tom] A flag on the moon.
-[reverend] What could they do?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}They were trapped.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Yes, Joe had a lady,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}and he just couldn't get
there fast enough.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Tom] For those two scoops
of raisins,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[tires squealing]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] Oh, not again, Joe!

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] That's your standard
crash Foley.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[reverend]
Now, it was payoff time.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}One, still able to move.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Two, still able to move.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}They had escaped the trap.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}[Tom]
It was an average accident.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[reverend] Their threescore
and ten were still before them.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Mike] Give or take a score.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}[reverend]
But the trap had sprung on Joe.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-[Crow] Serve 'ya right.
-[reverend] Yes.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Now, it was payoff time.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}[Tom]
Such are the wages of sex.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[reverend]
Easy going Joe Tendler,

{\a1\pos(78,460)}[Mike]
Was trapped in his own juicer.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Joe became
an avant-garde composer.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[reverend] After a year
in that neck brace,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Joe wasn't quite
such good company

{\a1\pos(180,460)}as he used to be.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}But the Word said,
for better or for worse,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}in sickness or in health,

{\a1\pos(120,460)}[Tom]
Do you take this bionic man?

{\a1\pos(78,460)}[reverend]
Sure, Jo tried to call it off,

{\a1\pos(141,460)}but a girl
like Helen doesn't run out.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}There was quite a difference

{\a1\pos(138,460)}between Helen's dream
and the reality,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}there'd be quite a difference

{\a1\pos(201,460)}between living
with the dream Joe

{\a1\pos(180,460)}and the real one.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Crow] Their honeymoon at Six
Flags is going to be real fun.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}-[Tom] Hey, Joe.
-[Servo choking and yelling]

{\a1\pos(36,460)}[reverend]
It needn't have happened at all.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Tom] You could've married me.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Mike] Look at this button I
found in the collection plate.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[theme music playing]

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[reverend] There are many days
in the years left for Joe,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Mike] Too many.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[reverend] For George Price,
there are fewer.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] Hey, you dead yet?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[reverend] And the days
George does have left,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}are embittered days.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-[Crow scoffing]
-[reverend] Flavorless.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Futile.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Crow] Get off my land,
you pious son of a--

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[reverend] To George, the sound
of that approaching car

{\a1\pos(138,460)}as it nears the house
across the street,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}prods back into his memory,
a scene he has fought to erase,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Mike] But then so does
every other sound.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}[reverend]
The scene he cannot forget.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Tom] He's having a great day.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[reverend] This is Lenny Bellows
the boy across the street.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}The boy who once
was like a son to George.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Just across the street.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Where everyday, George can't
possibly help seeing him.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Crow] Better go buy
some salt pellets.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[reverend] Everyday,
George remembers.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Mike] When he was good friends
with Dean Rusk.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[reverend] George remembers
how it was in the happy days,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}with the Price
and Bellows families.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] Eating sandwiches.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[reverend] Fred Bellows,
Lenny's father, and George,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}good neighbors,
good friends.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] And Michelob.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[reverend] They'd spend hours
figuring the fun they'd have

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-on their retirement pay.
-[all cheering]

{\a1\pos(33,460)}The trips they'd take together.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}The wonderful places
they'd see.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}It would be soon now.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}[Crow]
Let's go on a Hawaiian sex tour.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}[reverend]
Their wives had waited patiently

{\a1\pos(12,460)}through all the long years
of railroad service.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}-[Tom] Tony Dow!
-[reverend] Lenny would go

{\a1\pos(33,460)}to college. It was all planned.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}There wasn't a cloud
in the bright, blue sky

{\a1\pos(162,460)}-of their future.
-[Mike] Then, I showed up.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Servo chuckling]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[reverend] Forty-two years
of good, honest work.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}George was proud of those years.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-[Tom] George.
-Proud of the strength.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}and stamina
that had kept him going.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}But today, somehow,
he didn't feel so good.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}And when it was time
to go back to work,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}George wondered whether he
was going to be able to make it.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] George, you're hilarious.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}[reverend]
Funny, these last few weeks

{\a1\pos(201,460)}he hadn't been
quite up to snuff.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Tom] Diarrhea is like a stone.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[reverend] Nobody noticed,
he hadn't mentioned it,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-probably just indigestion.
-[Mike] Hey,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}have a massive coronary
on your own time.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[reverend] He'll be alright.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}If he could only hold out
until retirement time.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[Crow] It's at
5 o'clock today.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}[reverend]
But now he had a job to do.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}And nobody
was going to say

{\a1\pos(138,460)}George Price gave up
on the job.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Tom] George Price gave up
on the job. There, I said it.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[reverend]
And so, as Fred Bellows

{\a1\pos(138,460)}climbed up to go back
to his job,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}George went back to his.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}[Mike]
Robust and cheerful as ever.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[reverend]
A small voice whispered,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}"Report sick. Get a relief man.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-Don't be a fool, George".
-[Crow] Kill your parents.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}[reverend]
But George had a job to do,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}and he was going to stick to it.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Mike] Boo Radley waved him on.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[reverend] So, there was George

{\a1\pos(264,460)}and Fred,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}and Bill said,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}"C'mon, easy."

{\a1\pos(57,460)}[Crow]
They called him the "derailer".

{\a1\pos(141,460)}[Mike] Well,
what's with Georgey Worgey?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[music playing]

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Tom] Shouldn't have thought
of Mamie Eisenhower.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[music playing]

{\a1\pos(36,460)}[Tom] Uh, George,
if this is one of your pranks...

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Servo chuckling]

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Mike] Oh, this is terrible.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}He died minutes
before his time.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Tom] Good one, George.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[reverend] George tried to go
to Fred Bellows funeral...

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] But Baywatch was on.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}[reverend]
...but the doctor said no.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}You don't walk around two days
after a heart attack.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Mike] Why couldn't he have
killed the guy two doors down?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[reverend] But it couldn't keep
him away from the window.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}He watched Grace and Lenny,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-[Tom] And Squiggy.
-[reverend] Lenny,

{\a1\pos(36,460)}who wouldn't
be going to college this fall...

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-Because he's dumb.
-[reverend] ...or any fall.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Tom] Can you bring me back
a program?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[reverend]
Grace, who faced a future

{\a1\pos(96,460)}of grief and loneliness,

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[Tom] Boring.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}[Crow]
There. My problem went away.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Mike] Alright. Let's get
this guy planted.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Crow] They'll circle George's
house a few times,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}then go on to the cemetery.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}[reverend]
That was over three years ago.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Tom] George hasn't moved.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[reverend] George still can't
get around very well.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Lenny Bellows still lives
across the street.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}And though he has long
since forgiven George,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}yet his simplest actions
have become, to George,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}signs of rejection and hatred.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Mike] You know,
staring off into space

{\a1\pos(117,460)}hasn't been as exciting
as I thought it would be.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[reverend] There George Price
was doomed to stay,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}across a little street,
a thousand miles wide.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Crow] Now, let's get
to the dismemberment.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[reverend] As I said before,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}most of my congregation
are railroad people.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}I know the road does everything

{\a1\pos(222,460)}in its power
to prevent accidents.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}To see that equipment

{\a1\pos(117,460)}and working procedures
in the shops are as safe

{\a1\pos(33,460)}as it's possible to make them.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}And by constant reminders
to keep the men aware

{\a1\pos(180,460)}of the life
and death importance

{\a1\pos(12,460)}of observing safety rules.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}[Tom]
See our elaborate safety system?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Servo chuckling]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[reverend] Yet, still they come.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-[Mike] This is Needle Park.
-[reverend] The ones who forget

{\a1\pos(54,460)}even for the barest fraction
of a second,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}that with safety,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}there are no second chances.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}[Crow]
Oh, well. Who needs fingers?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[reverend] Not all trips
to the hospital, though,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-are necessarily disastrous.
-[Tom] Just mine.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}[reverend]
For example, there was the trip

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Charlie O'Neil made
with his wife.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}That was about
the happiest trip

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Charlie ever took.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}He and Sue had been
looking forward to it for years.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Waiting. Hoping.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}-[Crow] For a pap smear?
-[reverend] Finally it happened.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}There'd be a new little O'Neil
along any minute now.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Charlie was so happy
he forgot everything else.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-[Servo chuckling]
-Well, almost everything.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Mike] He almost forgot
his ventriloquial figure.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Servo laughing]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[reverend] He didn't quite
believe them a little later

{\a1\pos(96,460)}when they told him
it might take a while

{\a1\pos(54,460)}and he might as well go back
to work.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Tom] This has nothing
to do with you. Go on.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[music playing]

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[reverend] On the way
to the shop,

{\a1\pos(36,460)}-he remembered something.
-[Crow] He had to go kiss Helen.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}[reverend]
It was just about the last thing

{\a1\pos(96,460)}he did remember that day,

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Cigars.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Mike] He was going
to Ernie Kovacs' house.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}[reverend] They weren't
going to catch Charlie off-base

{\a1\pos(117,460)}when the big news came.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Crow] Charlie was close now.
You could smell him.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[reverend] He hoped it wouldn't
be too long

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-before he could break them out.
-[Tom] So he disrobed.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}[reverend]
There was a phone call coming,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}he told the Foreman, a big one.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Please get it to him fast
when it came.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Crow] Ah, get back to work.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[reverend] Charlie did remember
one more thing that day.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}To take proper care
getting Bill's attention.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Gentle pressure
on the shoulders

{\a1\pos(96,460)}so as to not startle him,

{\a1\pos(120,460)}[Mike]
And a soft kiss on the neck.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[reverend] That hissing,
open flame

{\a1\pos(180,460)}is deadlier than
any snake.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Charlie knew it.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Every man who works
a torch knows it.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}When you come near em,
you come up smooth.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}You don't make
any sudden motions.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}[Tom]
I have no idea what I'm doing.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Servo chuckling]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Crow] Picasso's woman.
Looks like a baboon!

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[reverend] This was it.
a phone call for Charlie.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Mike] Charlie, does fur run
in your family?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Tom] Someone brought donuts!

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[reverend] Yes. Yes.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}A boy. Nine pounds. Wow.

{\a1\pos(267,460)}[Crow]
I've got great sperm!

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[reverend]
You can forgive Charlie

{\a1\pos(96,460)}for being excited.
Who wouldn't be?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}A newborn father is one

{\a1\pos(54,460)}of the most excitable people
in the whole world.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Crow] Other than the father
at the time of conception.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[reverend]
You can forgive Charlie

{\a1\pos(117,460)}for passing out cigars
during work hours

{\a1\pos(57,460)}even though he knew
he should've waited 'til lunch.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}[Tom]
He should've waited 'til lunch.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Mike] Ted's awful.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}[reverend]
You can even forgive Charlie

{\a1\pos(117,460)}for what happened next.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}For that one instant
of final, fatal forgetting.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Tom] Alan Arkin!

{\a1\pos(57,460)}[Crow] Why am I welding?
Why would I be welding to this?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I don't no
understand.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[all screaming]

{\a1\pos(36,460)}[Mike]
You don't have to hold it there!

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Crow] Hold the phone.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[Crow] Oh, now
he's T-Bone Burnett.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[reverend] You can forgive
Charlie for everything.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}And you can understand
how it happened,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Tom] Yet I want him punished.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}[reverend]
How one thing you cannot do.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}[Mike]
Put your elbow in your ear?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[reverend] You cannot change it.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}It is done.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}And there is nothing
you can say to Charlie,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Crow] Except gentle pressure.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[reverend] He has said it
all to himself, many times.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Tom] Here, nice puppy.
Here we go.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[reverend] He has said
that he was careless.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}that it could've been avoided,
that he knew better.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Mike] Here's your bottle.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[reverend] That he only forgot
for a second.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}One tiny second.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}And in every case,
Charlie is right.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}But, still the thing is done.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Crow] I'm over the fence, man.
I'm outta here!

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Charlie has never seen
his baby son

{\a1\pos(141,460)}[Tom]
Or the five Mrs. Buchanans.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[reverend]
and Charlie never will.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Mike] So the leading causes

{\a1\pos(138,460)}of accidents are joy,
sex and old age?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[reverend] It is written
in the Old Testament,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}to each of us,
this allotment of years,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}three score and ten.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] And there's a psalm
about welding.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[reverend] When you add
that up literally,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}it says that the days
of our years number 25,567.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}A trivial accident
might take away one

{\a1\pos(138,460)}or two of those days.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}A serious one might take away
a hundred or a thousand.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Mike] A disastrous one
would be cool to watch.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[reverend] Suddenly, there might
be no days left at all.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] America's favorite
deacon of death.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Crow] Hey! We-- we're trying
to film here!

{\a1\pos(141,460)}[reverend]
The Lord has allotted them.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Let not man
by his thoughtlessness

{\a1\pos(117,460)}diminish the blessings
of the Lord.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Mike] Ironically, the reverend
was maimed and crippled

{\a1\pos(180,460)}giving communion.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Tom] Reverend, I'm having a
crisis of faith.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}What should I do?

{\a1\pos(141,460)}[Crow]
Get safety goggles, my son.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Mike] Remember to worship at
the railroad of your choice.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[doors closing]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}You know, that-- that short
had a interesting juxtaposition.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}On the one hand, got lots
of valuable safety information,

{\a1\pos(225,460)}-Sure.
-and on the other hand,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}it made me want to kill myself.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[laughing]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}But you-- you've taken

{\a1\pos(12,460)}that information to heart,
haven't you?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Oh-- oh, that's--
that's right, Mike.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Uh-- uh, what was that thing
I was supposed to remember?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Uh, Gentile pray-sure,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}gentleben, gentle on my--

{\a1\pos(180,460)}No. No. No.
Gentle pressure.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-Gentle pressure.
-Gentle, Gentle pressure.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Can't stress that enough.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}Gentle pressure.
I got it! Gentle pressure.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}That's right. Gentle pressure.
Now, as it happens,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}uh, Tom Servo is doing

{\a1\pos(33,460)}some welding on the other side
of this show.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}As it happens,
completely coincidentally,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}so go over and get
his attention, using

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-gentle pressure.
-Gentle pressure.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Don't worry, Mike.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[laughing]

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I won't forget that.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Gentle pressure.
Gentle pressure.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Crow] Hey, Servo, how's you--

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Crow screaming]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Gentle what, Mike?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Crow T. Robot.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}He's always getting
into one scrape after another.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[theme music playing]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-[Tom] I'm sorry, Crow.
-[Crow] It happens.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[music playing]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Tom] The Untouchables!

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[music playing]

{\a1\pos(36,460)}[Tom]
MCP, Most Crappiest Productions.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[laughing]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] I hope there's more
accidents in this movie.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Tom] Ladies and Gentlemen,
Mitzi Gaynor!

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[siren blaring]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-[Crow] Another accident!
-[Tom] Oh, no.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}[gunfire]

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Mike] Newt Gingrich's America.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Tom] That's one stressful
Hollywood premier.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Crow] The family Von Trapp.
[mimicing gunfire]

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-[shots firing]
-[sirens blaring]

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Mike] Yes. Yes, yes.

{\a1\pos(267,460)}[Crow]
-Zing, -rent, -ent...

{\a1\pos(36,460)}[Mike]
Am I that amazingly transparent?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[all laughing]

{\a1\pos(141,460)}[Crow]
The names have been changed

{\a1\pos(117,460)}to protect the visible.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}[Tom]
How can a woman be Kevin Kelly!

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Mike] Oh, no. Cops.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow] There are signs of
water damage on the credits.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Tom] ♪ Here we come, with our
movie, with the screenplay ♪

{\a1\pos(180,460)}by Jack Lewis...

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Mike] Music calks
the scenes together, ca--

{\a1\pos(264,460)}-Calker.
-[Tom] Yes.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-[Mike] It's calks.
-[Tom] Yes.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow] I'm glad it's not
the annoying transparent man.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[all laughing]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] Credits background
by Formica,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}the laminate of the future.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Hey, it's got
photographic effects.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Mike] What they mean
by photographic effects

{\a1\pos(117,460)}is that they filmed it.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-[Crow]Ah!
-[Tom] Ah!

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Mike] Ah, nobody did Hamlet
like Lester Guthrie.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Tom] This is a modern dress
amazing transparent.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] And now, William Wegman's
Mein Kampf.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[Servo panting]

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Tom] I'm really a cat person.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}-[Mike] Hey, who's walking who?
-[all laughing]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Crow] I am a fugitive
from a Gulf station.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[dogs barking]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] So, the cops
have a dogwalking service.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Mike] Must escape
from Barbra Woodhouse.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Crow] Peekaboo.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Tom] Yeah, it's one of them
horseless carriagers.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Mike] It was nice of his mom
to pick him up

{\a1\pos(54,460)}after prison escape practice.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow] Is this one
of the photographic effects?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Mike] Dogs are gonna flag down
a Buick and give chase.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[all laughing]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Tom] Whoa. Ten minutes out
of prison and he scores.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] Hayley Mills in the
Amazing Transparent Trap.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[Tom] Oh wow.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}[Mike]
Not really adjusting to society,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}would you take me back
to prison?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[Tom] ♪ Hold on
Putting on a top hat ♪

{\a1\pos(12,460)}♪ Dusting off my white tie
Breaking out of jail ♪

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[music playing]

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Mike] Trip's getting
better and better.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}[Crow]
I'm lonely, please love me.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}[Tom]
Ah, now you can barely see him.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Camouflocking.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Mike] Shadowlands 2:
Escape From Oxford.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Servo laughing]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Laura] What is it officer?

{\a1\pos(141,460)}[Tom]
Is your knob turned to Bob?

{\a1\pos(204,460)}A man escaped
from state prison ma'am.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}This is just routine.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Who are you
and where have you been?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Oh my name's Matson.
Laura Matson.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}This is my husband, John.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}We've been to a party
at Pritchards Point.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-I'm afraid he overdid it.
-[Mike] He's a Kennedy.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}Uh. May I check
your drivers license, please?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Yes, of course.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Tom] He's a druggie.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[crickets chirping]

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-[Crow] You don't weigh 110..
-What about your husband's?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Laura] Well that's why,
I'm playing chauffeur. His--

{\a1\pos(12,460)}His license was suspended,
uh, drunk driving.

{\a1\pos(183,460)}[Tom]
That happened to me, too.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Well, there's no need
to bother him.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}He's had enough trouble
for one night

{\a1\pos(180,460)}without waking up

{\a1\pos(12,460)}and staring into the badge
of an officer.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}Very sorry
to have inconvenienced you.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}That's quite alright.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}[Tom] Just proceed
to next ineffectual policeman.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I think their roadblocks
are too close.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}[Tom]
♪ He's amazing and amusing ♪

{\a1\pos(180,460)}♪ He's delicious
and nutritious ♪

{\a1\pos(33,460)}♪ Two for breakfast, one for ♪

{\a1\pos(138,460)}You played it smarter
than I thought you would,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}you'd pull that gun,
it would've been all over.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Still don't get it.
Why'd you break me out?

{\a1\pos(183,460)}[Mike]
You are Earl, aren't you?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}You'll find out when we get
where we're going.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] She's taking him to
a surprise welcome home party.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-[music playing]
-[Servo humming]

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Tom] You know, North Dakota

{\a1\pos(96,460)}film industry never
really took off.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}-[Servo humming]
-[Crow] Dorothy returns home.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Mike] They're on their way
to my grandma's.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I don't need to see this.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Crow] The sad thing is that
this is their downtown area.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[music playing]

{\a1\pos(264,460)}[Tom] Oh,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}It's Mary Tyler Moore's
country apartment.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[Crow] Norman?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[Mike] Ah, heh,

{\a1\pos(222,460)}uh, my door?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Are you gonna get my...
'cause really,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}I mean, we should be g-- well.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}[Crow]
Escaped convicts are so rude.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Tom] Goes without saying,
get off my land.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}You come around here
to scare off visitors?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}He serves his purpose.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Yeah. I guess everybody does.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Julian, put the car away,
will you? Is Karl waiting?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Been in there chewing up
the carpet for two hours,

{\a1\pos(36,460)}-any trouble?
-No. Joey Faust, this is Julian.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Tom] Cut your hair, hippie.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}I've seen him
before in a police bulletin.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Tom] And on the cover
of the Rolling Stone.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[Crow] Zing.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}[Mike]
Well, they have valet parking.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Tom] So, Julian,
the scene's over.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}It's a-- you wanna just...

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-cut any time--
-[Mike] It's over.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-[Tom] Go on, go on. Well,
-[Mike] Go-- go away.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}[Crow] Ooh, they've got
Protestant Revival furniture.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}[Mike]
Hello, so sorry for your loss.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Laura] Thank you.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}[Krenner]
Well, I was beginning to worry.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Major Krenner, may I present,
Joey Faust.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Tom] Did we overdress
for North Dakota?

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Major.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Does it surprise you,
Mr. Faust?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}It's for real?

{\a1\pos(57,460)}-What army?
-Well, there have been several.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Take your choice.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Please, Mr. Faust.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}It's lovely. What is it?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}It's only bit of shrapnel,
it's a keepsake.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] Gimme. Gimme.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}That piece of shrapnel ended
the Major's military career.

{\a1\pos(183,460)}[Krenner]
That would be all, Laura.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-[Crow] And his sex life.
-[Krenner] Um,

{\a1\pos(120,460)}you did well my dear,
now run along and freshen up

{\a1\pos(201,460)}while Mr. Faust
and I discuss business.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}If you'll excuse me.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Major.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Tom] Apparently,
I'm not fresh.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Go ahead. Take off the coat
if you wish.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}[Krenner] I know
you'd like an explanation.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Mike] I'm effeminate

{\a1\pos(180,460)}because my mother
was overbearing.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Why did you set up the break?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Well, I can use you.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}You have got a reputation
in the underworld somewhat

{\a1\pos(96,460)}of a genius when it comes
to opening safes and vaults.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[Crow humming]

{\a1\pos(57,460)}They must have dug
that shrapnel out of your head.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}What kind of an idiot are you?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Krenner, I can't poke my nose
through a bank door

{\a1\pos(54,460)}without getting it blown off.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}Every newspaper
in the country's got my picture.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}You're bitter, Faust.
Mean and bitter.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}You trust no one
and you hate everyone.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}You're the kind of man
I need and understand.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I know all about
your background.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Crow] Your marriage
to Lana Turner, your--

{\a1\pos(117,460)}What you know about me,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}you couldn't have gotten out
of any newspaper.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Well, I check closely
on all the people I use.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I know about the wife
who turned you in.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-[Servo gasping]
-And the child

{\a1\pos(180,460)}you've never been
allowed to see.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Mike] Ouch. That was mean, Tad.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I'm really vulnerable
right now.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Mike] Oh.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-I may owe you something...
-[Tom] Something?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}But if you ever mention
my daughter's name again

{\a1\pos(96,460)}you'll have another hole
in your head, I promise you!

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] Susie. Susie.
Susie. Susie.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-Susie. Susie. Susie. Susie.
-If you wish, Mr. Faust.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Susie. Susie. Susie.
Susie. Susie. Susie.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Yes, your background
explains your behavior.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] Susie. Susie.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[theme music playing]

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[Krenner] Now,

{\a1\pos(36,460)}we're conducting experiments
requiring fissionable materials.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}-[Crow growling]
-[Krenner] Make it real for us.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Krenner] You'll be well paid.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}That's atom bomb stuff.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}The government has that locked
up tighter than Fort Knox.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Krenner] Precisely.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Include me
a long way out, chum.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}You're hardly in a position

{\a1\pos(57,460)}-to bargain, Mr. Faust.
-[Mike] Bargain, Faust, get it?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-[Crow] Huh? Huh? Uh-huh?
-[Tom] Mm-hmm.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}A man with a gun doesn't
have to bargain.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-He gets stuff wholesale.
-[Krenner] True.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Krenner] I'm certain...

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Julian would disagree
with you on that.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Tom] Yeah, well Julian
can lick-- Oh, hi Julian.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Faust] What these bullets
will do this time?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}It'll rip out your spine

{\a1\pos(12,460)}and roll it up like a ball
of string.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}What's the score, Krenner?

{\a1\pos(162,460)}[Tom]
The Vikings pulled it out.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}You'll work for us faithfully,
or you'll be turned over

{\a1\pos(96,460)}to the authorities.
I understand there's a reward

{\a1\pos(117,460)}of $5000 on your head.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Servo scoffing]

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Just what are these authorities
gonna say

{\a1\pos(54,460)}about your part in the break?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Krenner] The police need know
nothing

{\a1\pos(96,460)}of my part in the escape.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}You see, they'll also pay me
$5000 for a dead Faust.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Crow] I must admit that it is
funny, it's not funny ha-ha

{\a1\pos(201,460)}but it's droll.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}What do you want?

{\a1\pos(57,460)}[Krenner]
That'll all be for now, Julian.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Tom] Go freshen up, Julian.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}[Krenner]
Come along to the laboratory.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}[Mike]
And hear Alexander's Rag Time--

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-You got a lab here?
-Oh yes.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}We're completely equipped
for our experiments.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Crow] We got a grant
from viewers like you.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}[Krenner]
I made an extensive search

{\a1\pos(12,460)}before selecting this ranch
as an operational base.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}[Tom]
That's really interesting.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[water bubbling]

{\a1\pos(33,460)}-[Mike] Rhoda, we're coming up
-[Tom] I'm here.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] Night of the Living
Jerry Stiller.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}As you can see, this is quite
a serious business.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Dr. Ulaf.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}[Tom]
I'm not looking at my boogers.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Krenner] Come here.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Yes, Major Krenner.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Doctor Peter Ulaf, Mr. Faust.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Mr. Faust has joined us,
he'll be supplying you with

{\a1\pos(36,460)}the vital materials. Dr. Ulaf
is an eminent nuclear scientist.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Would you prepare one
of your subject

{\a1\pos(33,460)}for the ray treatment, doctor?
We must impress Mr. Faust

{\a1\pos(96,460)}with the end result
of your

{\a1\pos(180,460)}highly-acclaimed
scientific labors.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] Want me to make him
a sandwich, in other words.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Ulaf.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-I've heard the name.
-Undoubtedly, you have.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I was quite fortunate

{\a1\pos(54,460)}in convincing him to continue
his work here for me.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-[Servo chuckling]
-[Tom] I'm coy.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}Now this vault
is of lead two inches thick.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Contains our
radioactive materials.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[Tom] Get in.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Krenner] Doctor.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I told you to move this.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}The ray could penetrate
this lead like butter

{\a1\pos(33,460)}and the whole countryside would
go up in a mushroom cloud.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-There is a lot you want
-We have to change.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Are you ready
for the demonstration?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I am ready.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Krenner.

{\a1\pos(183,460)}[Mike]
Ah, would you tie my tie?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}I agreed to do
your dirty work for you,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}but I got to know
what's going on.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Dr. Ulaf will be glad
to explain.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}-[Krenner] Doctor.
-This is the principle of x-ray

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-but goes further.
-[Crow] Hmm?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Dr. Ulaf] X-ray pierces only
the outer shell

{\a1\pos(96,460)}of the body to show
what lies beneath.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-[Tom] No, it doesn't.
-This ray neutralizes

{\a1\pos(54,460)}all tissue and bone structure
in the body.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}[Tom]
Turning you into a pudding pop.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}This machine utilizes x-ray
Alpha, Beta, and Omega rays

{\a1\pos(180,460)}and ultraviolets.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-[Crow] C'mon sell it.
-Inviting the best effect

{\a1\pos(12,460)}and filtering out qualities
which would hinder

{\a1\pos(162,460)}-our operations.
-[Tom] Alpha, Beta, my a--

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Yeah.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}It'd seem more simple
to you after you've seen

{\a1\pos(222,460)}what goes on.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] Donald Nixon ladies
and gentlemen. Donald Nixon.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Crow] Don't touch me,
you brute.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Why are you so worried
about this box?

{\a1\pos(162,460)}[Mike]
Doesn't practice safe sex.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Even a lead shield doesn't
cut off all rays,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}it simply strains them.
A considerable system

{\a1\pos(96,460)}still gets through.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Ulaf] Any accidental,
concentration of rays

{\a1\pos(54,460)}from this apparatus could set
up a chain reaction

{\a1\pos(33,460)}in the materials in the vault.
A nuclear fission could result--

{\a1\pos(225,460)}-Doctor.
-[Crow] Honey, I shrunk

{\a1\pos(96,460)}the audience's interest.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Come.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Crow] I'd like to show
you my bidet.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Mike] Burgess Meredith
is in there reading.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}[Tom] Look at that.
Ulaf's picking his nose again.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] Who wants American cheese
on theirs?

{\a1\pos(78,460)}[Tom singing]
♪ I'm not a telephone junkie ♪

{\a1\pos(138,460)}♪ There's no action ♪

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] He's gonna use that
guinea pig as a guinea pig.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Tom singing] ♪ Then some people
will turn you away ♪

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-[guinea pig squeaking]
-It's not going to hurt.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] You're taking away
the best months of my life.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Don't be afraid.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Tom] Yeah,
why would I be afraid.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}This is all perfectly normal.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Crow] I'm still sore
from the last time.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}[Tom] If he straps
on a rubber glove, I'm leaving.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Mike] I'm just going to check
your back molars.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow] Have a look
at Coco's medical record.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Let's see, whooping cough
in third grade.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Mother ate by cat,
father flushed down toilet,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}everything normal.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Ah, he's turning on the
all-vacuum cleaner network.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Mike] He's inventing a new
kind of toilet float.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] Kind of an abstract
sculpture of Jayne Mansfield.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Servo laughing]

{\a1\pos(36,460)}[Tom] Don't know what
he's doing but it looks naughty.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-[Servo chuckling]
-[Tom] Nice, huh?

{\a1\pos(57,460)}[Crow]
For those of you who missed it,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I'll go through it all again.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Tom] Need anything, poopy?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Why don't you disrobe
and change into a gown?

{\a1\pos(36,460)}[Tom] Ah, close enough there,
gotta turn a few of these knobs.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Crow] You know hiring nuclear
temps wasn't a good idea.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Mike] All this just to get
a UHF-station?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Tom] Auf wiedersehen{\r} ,
little poo poo. I love you.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Crow] Home execution,
Texas style.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Mike] Now, they're gonna record
a Yes album.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Keep your eye
on the guinea pig.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Tom] ♪ Keep your eye
on the guinea pig ♪

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[all humming]

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[music playing]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] I ain't talking, coppers.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Mike] So they've come up
with new ways

{\a1\pos(96,460)}to off guinea pigs.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Crow] I'll show
that Oppenheimer.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[music playing]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] Rocky dies yellow,
killer coward at end.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Mike] I do believe
in Mighty Mouse, help me!

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] Oh, he's with the William
Morris Agency.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] Well, that was both
amazing and transparent.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}C'mon, Mr. Faust.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Mike] I'm pretty sure
it's not that radioactive.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] The gangster nuclear
program

{\a1\pos(96,460)}is off to a great start.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}[Tom]
We're gonna call him Harvey.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Go ahead, Mr. Faust,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}prove to yourself it isn't done
with mirrors.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] You schnitzel poopy.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}[Krenner] You see?
I touch it. it does it no harm.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[Tom] Bogus.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Still have any doubts,
Mr. Faust?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Mike] Let's see what Picture
Picture's doing.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[all laughing]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}No doubts.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}You can return the animal
to visibility, doctor.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}-Hey, uh,
-[Crow] His girdle is slipping.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}What happens to the guinea pig?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Ulaf has perfected the ray

{\a1\pos(96,460)}to a point there's
no danger to the subject,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}no ill effects at all.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Tom] It's safe, now quick get
in the vault. Quick.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Mike] Uh, bless me father for
I have sinned.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}[Crow]
Ah, the switching sequence.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}You loved it before, you'll
love it again.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] Oh, yeah, that one.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Now watch from the peephole,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}you'll find the guinea pig
is unharmed.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}[Mike] You'll be accelerating
the guinea pig to near the speed

{\a1\pos(117,460)}of light and collide it
with a copper foil.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[all humming]

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Crow] Let's tell him
he's still invisible.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[all laughing]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Mike] Think of it. People might
think there's not a guinea pig

{\a1\pos(180,460)}in a room,
when there actually is.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[all laughing]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-[Tom] It's all brilliant.
-[Servo chuckling]

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[theme music playing]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Tom] What is going on?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Something big is going down man.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}Frank is calling,
it must be really important.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Mike. I wanted to let you know

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I won't be in today.
After five years,

{\a1\pos(57,460)}Dr. Forrester
is finally giving me a day off.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}So needless to say,
don't even bother trying to get

{\a1\pos(117,460)}in touch with me today.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Frank, I've never tried
to contact you,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}but congratulations
on your day off.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Yeah, after five years you must
have some big plans, huh?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Well, if I seem just
a little bit cocky,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}it's for a very good reason.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}I've got a ticket to
see Squanto: A Warrior's Tale{\r} ,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}uh-huh, you heard right.
Squanto.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I've been planning to see
this movie for months

{\a1\pos(222,460)}and I wanted
to make sure I got in,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}so I bought this ticket
from a scalper for $1000.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I know that sounds
a little steep, but hey,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}this is Squanto
I'm talking about.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Well, Clay, I'm off,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}to see Squanto{\r} .

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Frank, Squanto{\r} opened and closed
three weeks ago.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Squanto!

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Cheer up Frank, maybe uh,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}C amp Nowhere{\r} is still playing.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Yeah, or e Road to Wellville.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[alarm buzzing]

{\a1\pos(246,460)}[Mike]
Oh, we got movie sign!

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[all laughing]

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[doors opening]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-[Mike] Poor little guy.
-[Tom] Yeah, sad, huh?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}That should satisfy
your curiosity, Mr. Faust.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}As you can no doubt deduce,
such a mechanism

{\a1\pos(180,460)}as this has
unlimited possibilities.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-Ah, like what?
-That will come later.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}First things first, please.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] Hey, they could rid
the world of Pauly Shore.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}No harm done at all.
Perfectly healthy.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-[Servo buzzing]
-[Tom] Ow!

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I imagine you've seen enough
for one day, hmm?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}And you certainly must be tired
after your trip.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Yeah, I could use
a little sleep.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}I'm sure Julian has found
some clothes that will fit you.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Mike] We have some lederhosen.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}What, uh, is in here?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}It's no concern of yours.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}C'mon, Mr. Faust.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] I bet there are all sorts
of invisible

{\a1\pos(12,460)}nude chicks in there, huh?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Tom] Well, you'll be sleeping
with the guinea pigs

{\a1\pos(117,460)}I hope you don't mind.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}[Mike]
Don't you ever improvise again,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}you almost ruined
the second act.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Oh, I'm sorry I yelled.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I shouldn't be gone long.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Tom] Yup.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Leave the gate open, I'll lock
it when I get back.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Tom] Yup.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I don't think you need to be
cautioned about Faust.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-[Tom] Yup.
-He's dangerous and,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}locks mean nothing to him,
so I want you

{\a1\pos(96,460)}where you can watch
his door at all times.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Tom] Yup.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Keep him in his room,
you understand?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-He won't go nowhere.
-Alright.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Tom] Oh, and E. Power Biggs
has been spotted,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}so guard the organ.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Mike] I'm gonna
hunt you down, fern.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Tom] Hey! Give me a crack
at that bowl, huh?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[Servo humming]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow] St. Joseph aspirin
for gangsters.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Mike singing] ♪ Take the ribbon
from your hair ♪

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Tom] Oh, I just rolled
on a guinea pig. Ugh.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Crow] Oh good, he's asleep.
I can put out the presents.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Mike] Oh, I have a rich life.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}[Tom] Now, it's just me
and the latest issue of Sassy{\r} .

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] I wish I didn't know

{\a1\pos(138,460)}there was pizza rolls
in the fridge.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] I wish I were back
in prison.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I miss my wife, Jake.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Mike] That's cute,
I could wear that.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Crow] You were talking to me,
weren't you?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}You said come over here,
I'm lonely. Drink me, please.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Well, little friend.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}[Tom]
Yup. Here's to transparencies.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[Servo gulping]

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Crow] These are not
comfortable jammies.

{\a1\pos(225,460)}[Mike]
Well, back to my novel.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] Door handles
mean nothing to me.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Mike] Goofus pisses me off.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Crow] Ah, Listermint.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[all laughing]

{\a1\pos(162,460)}[Tom] Alright,
I better go fall for this.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Locks may mean nothing
to you, mister,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}but a lock saved my life once.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Faust?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] You rubbing a glass
against the wall?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}You in there, Faust?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] I was trying
to read Anna Quindlen.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Mike] Mr. Wilson and Dennis
the Menace: The Final Conflict.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}[Crow]
And I get to keep the glass.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Tom] We'll turn this
into a bolero jacket.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Quit drooling
on the carpet. Hey.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Servo slurping]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-[music playing]
-[Servo humming]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] I'm breaking all the
guinea pigs out of this place.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Tom] I just got to find that
Snap-on Tools calendar.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Mike] This place is probably
crawling

{\a1\pos(96,460)}with whiskery old guards.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Crow] He's gonna hide
Easter baskets now.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Tom] Bud, Princess, Beaver,
Wally, Robbie, Chip, Ernie.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}[Mike] Hey!
This is not my beautiful house.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Doctor Ulaf.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Tom] You know what,
I'm going to rearrange?

{\a1\pos(78,460)}[Crow] That screen is
so the guinea pig can undress.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}[Tom]
This lock has meaning to me.

{\a1\pos(33,96)}[Mike] There's gotta be a glass
I can rub against this door.

{\a1\pos(141,96)}[Crow]
I'm feeling good right now.

{\a1\pos(12,68)}♪ Scooby dooby dooby doo ♪

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Tom] I just have this craving
for some Sociables.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}[Mike]
Now, I can sew that button on.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow] Time to slip into
something more comfortable.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}[Tom]
Surprise! Happy birthday to you.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}What are you doing?
What is it you want up here?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Take it easy, doc.
I just came up to see you.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}Thought maybe,
they had you locked up in there.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Not I. Only what's left
of my soul.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-[Tom] I'm kidding, anyway.
-I need to get some answers.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}You seem 'bout the only one
around here

{\a1\pos(96,460)}who isn't a member
of Krenner's fan club.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}I have nothing to say.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}I'm a servant.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Major Krenner does my thinking
for me.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow] Hm, his robe
is by Lands of Austria. Wow.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}What's he got on you, doc?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Tom] He knows I'm German.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-Why do you ask me these things?
-So I can get some answers!

{\a1\pos(33,460)}How'd you get mixed up in this?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}My daughter. He's holding her.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}In that cheese box?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Well, open it up
and let her out.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Please Mr. Faust, I do not joke.
Not about my daughter.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}[Tom] Although I hear
she swims out to troop ships.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Servo laughing]
But that's a joke.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Mike] That hurt, if it makes
you feel good to hurt me

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-then so be it.
-Alright, doc.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Start at the beginning
how'd you get over here?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow] We carpooled
from the Ottoman Empire.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}At the end of Second World War,
I fled my own country

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-with my baby daughter.
-[Servo humming]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}My wife had died of experiments,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I had been forced
to perform on her

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-in the concentration camp.
-Your own wife?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}All my patients wore hoods,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I couldn't see their faces.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I didn't know my wife was one
of them until it was too late.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Mike] I bet this place is loud
in a rainstorm.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}It still don't explain
how you got here.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-[Crow] I took a damn boat!
-I came to this country

{\a1\pos(96,460)}as a refugee. No one knew
I was a scientist.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-Except spies like Krenner.
-[Tom] Spies like us.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}After my wife died, I wanted no
more of science,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-Spies like us!
-I decided to come here.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-[Servo laughing]
-[Mike] It's not funny.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-Here's your daughter?
-[Tom] Spies like us!

{\a1\pos(12,460)}If I do not do as I'm told,
she will be killed.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-[Tom] Spies like us!
-If I carry out the orders,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-she isn't killed.
-[Servo coughing]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Tom] Hey, let's go spy
on the guinea pigs

{\a1\pos(33,460)}-while they take their showers.
-...that you could open it.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Not now, doc. I got problems.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Please, Mr. Faust,
release my daughter

{\a1\pos(12,460)}and take her to some safe place.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Knock it off, doc,
I got my own troubles.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Then you can't open it.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}I could open
that thing blindfolded.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}[Mike] I'll open it,
but locks mean nothing to me.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}Hmm. Quite the little
psychologist, aren't ya, doc?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}That's good reasoning.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] Dear God, its Kitty
Carlisle and she's packing heat!

{\a1\pos(57,460)}[Tom] Oh, congratulations
on your wedding, Miss Havisham.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}[Crow]
Certainly a daring nightgown.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-[Mike] Rated to 30 below.
-Downstairs, Faust.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}And please try not
to be amusing.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Tom] Hey don't worry.
No problem on this end.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Good night, Doctor Ulaf.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}[Crow]
Say good night to my hamsters.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[Servo sobbing]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Tom] I love this door.
Is this a panel craft?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[Servo sobbing]

{\a1\pos(162,460)}[Tom]
I love a well-armed woman.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Mike] Sit down at that organ
and play Stardust.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}[Crow]
Arnold Schwarzenegger, pregnant.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Tom] Oh, he grabs his neck
more than Chuck Heston.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}What's next Mata Hari,
you gonna shoot me?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Krenner probably will
when he gets back.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}He doesn't
appreciate disloyalty.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-[Mike] He hates Jack Morris.
-Julian's the loyal type.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Tom] And bitter.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}All it got him was a lump
in the head.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-[Crow] Backgammon?
-He's still out.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I couldn't bring him around.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] See? He's pregnant.
I can't believe it.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Laura] What's on your mind?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}For a dame that's supposed
to be so greedy,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}you don't know anything
about playing a hole card.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Oh?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Ever think how much that ray
would be worth to a guy

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-who wanted to rob a bank?
-[Mike] With a team of hamsters?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}With that thing, I could get
into every vault

{\a1\pos(201,460)}in the country
in broad daylight.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Dream on, buster.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-[Tom] I hate that show.
-Sounds pretty.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Of course, to take
on jobs like that,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}a fella'd have
to have a little help.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Now, splitting the take
of a few of those

{\a1\pos(57,460)}would pay you a lot more
than Krenner will ever give you

{\a1\pos(201,460)}in a lifetime.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow] He gives me
a million dollars a day.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}You need background music
for this commercial.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Full orchestra and violin.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-[Mike] Maybe Bobby McFerrin.
-Don't believe me.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Don't be a gambler.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}Should I gamble on
having my throat slit by Krenner

{\a1\pos(138,460)}or being shot by you?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-[Crow] Go for the curtain!
-Honey, that's a chance

{\a1\pos(96,460)}you'd have to take,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Just like the risk
I run every time

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I get under that ray.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Well, if you don't take
a chance, you'll never know.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow] That's in The Road
Less Traveled.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I'll keep it in mind.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-[Crow] It's under control Hank.
-Thanks Julian.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}He-- he was trying
to make a deal.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}You must have heard
what he said.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}He was talking a double-cross.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Yeah, I heard him.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Sounded like you were listening
awful close, too.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}[Tom]
She's got Ernest Borgnine arms.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Keep quiet about this, Julian.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}-Keep quiet and I'll help you.
-[Crow] With your math.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}You know that Krenner's gonna
blame you

{\a1\pos(201,460)}for letting him
out of his room.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}We've got to help
each other now.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-[door knocking]
-[Krenner] Julian.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-[Tom] Lucy, I'm home!
-[Krenner] Julian.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}[Julian]
Let's get him in the room.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-[door knocking]
-[Krenner] Julian!

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Tom] Action Protection league,
let us in!

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-[door knocking]
-[Julian] I'm coming.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-Julian! Open this door.
-[Julian] I'm coming.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow] Give someone else
a crack of this house.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}What happened?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-Where were you?
-[Mike] We had a date.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Getting the broom.

{\a1\pos(183,460)}Wanted to sweep
up that bottle I dropped.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}I told you not to take
your eyes off of Faust's door.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Oh, him. He's out cold.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I went in, picked up the bottle,
figured you didn't want him

{\a1\pos(117,460)}nipping in the morning
when he wakes up.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Tom] Want some griddle cakes?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Krenner] You did right.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}He's got to be sober.
Good night.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}-Night.
-[Mike] Night, Herr Goebbels.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}Yeah, I broke one
of the gophers earlier, sorry.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}[Tom] The organ plays
a pivotal part in this movie,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}doesn't it?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-[Crow] Why'd you gob on me?
-What you do that for?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Save your own skin?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] My skin is beyond saving.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}This idea
of yours does interest me.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I figure you need me
more than I need you.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Tom] Baby, I'm-a need you.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[Mike humming
"Addams Family" theme]

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Crow] Good morning.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Tom] Yeah. Breakfast
with Dorothy Parker.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}[Mike] Gotta get out
and cut hay but first, a gimlet.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] Seems to be a kind
of a dark side to this house.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}[Crow]
I can't stand the tension,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}somebody play that organ!

{\a1\pos(36,460)}[Mike]
Where's that olive I was saving?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I thought you were up
in the lab.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[Tom] I was.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-What was that for?
-Stop trying.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Don't even think about it.
Julian told me about your talk

{\a1\pos(204,460)}-with Faust.
-[Crow] Don't even think

{\a1\pos(201,460)}about asking me
if I was up in the lab.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-Didn't make any deal.
-No, not yet.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}But I know you.
My memory is too good.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I remember our other deals.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}You don't think I
gave you enough

{\a1\pos(96,460)}of a share, do you?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}What are you talking about?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}What could I possibly have
in common with Faust?

{\a1\pos(162,460)}-He's a hood.
-Just the type you go for.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Laura, I don't care
what you do with your life

{\a1\pos(57,460)}but when it interferes
with my plans, I draw the line.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}[Mike]
I want you to go to college.

{\a1\pos(204,460)}[Crow]
You were about to ask me

{\a1\pos(54,460)}if I was up in the lab again,
weren't you?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Lay off the vodka. I want
you ready when I need you.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}[Tom]
♪ As long as he needs me. ♪

{\a1\pos(120,460)}[Tom]
Well, how about some coffee?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}If you will relax, Mr. Faust,
there will be no pain.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}You may lose consciousness
for a few moments

{\a1\pos(33,460)}after you become invisible, but

{\a1\pos(222,460)}there should
be no other ill effect.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}How do you know
it'll work on a human?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Do you know what'll happen?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}We made hundreds
of such experiments,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}there can be no slip-up.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}[Tom]
Unless something goes wrong.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Come on, doctor, we don't
have all night.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] David McCallum was booked
for midnight.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Mike] We were just in the lab,
weren't we?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-[Servo mimics slap]
-[Mike] Aah!

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Mike] Is that the toner up
there for the--

{\a1\pos(138,460)}when they make people
visible again?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[Crow humming]

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Crow] Nothing to worry about.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Tom] I'm in kind of a rush
today,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}so, I pushed fewer buttons.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Mike] Ah, gentle pressure.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Crow] Oh, he's a thick man.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Tom] I don't like peering up
his nostrils, though.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] Isn't someone gonna
swab me with antiseptic?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[Mike] Please?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Crow] It's just going to make
a little hamster-size

{\a1\pos(201,460)}invisible hole
in the middle of 'em.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Tom] Look at that one, Henry.
It's the biggest guinea pig

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I ever saw.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Mike] Accept the pain, man,
I've sucked up

{\a1\pos(57,460)}a lot more radiation
than you ever will, chunky boy.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Crow] The visible six banger.
You build it.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Servo growling]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Mike] My pancreas!

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Crow] He disappeared
with an audible ping.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}He's going to Notions!

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[theme music playing]

{\a1\pos(99,460)}[Mike]
Wow. He leaves quite an odor.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}What's happened? Is he alright?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Crow] Doc,
that's not his wrist.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}His pulse is quite rapid,
but that is to be expected.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}-Why is he breathing like that?
-It may be shock.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Faust, can you hear me?
Can you speak?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Faust, try to sit up.

{\a1\pos(183,460)}[Tom]
Talking to the wrong end.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}He stopped breathing.
Well, do something!

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Crow] Don't do that!

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-He's gone.
-What?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}[gasping]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-[Crow] He gave me a wet Willie.
-It's Faust. He's here.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Faust, answer me, you--
[grunting]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow] I found him.
[Crow laughing]

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Faust, listen to me,
you'll remain invisible

{\a1\pos(54,460)}until I want to turn it off,
so you--

{\a1\pos(36,460)}[Crow]
There's a guinea pig on my neck!

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Mike] That's some form
of pure energy, Captain.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}[Faust]
If I choke you hard enough,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}you'll bring me back.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Tom] Boy, the worst
a guinea pig

{\a1\pos(264,460)}ever did
was piddle on him.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Faust] I'm just showing you
how badly you need me

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-and my loyalty costs money.
-[Crow] Oh, sorry Ollie.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}I told you you'd be well paid.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Faust] You neglected one thing,
chum, how much?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-A thousand dollars.
-[Faust laughing]

{\a1\pos(54,460)}A thousand every time you do
a job.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Faust] Krenner, if I'm gonna
be hit, I want money.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Lots of money.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}What do you expect?
I can't pay--

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Faust] Oh yes, you can, Major.
I'm sure you can.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Tom] Oh, you're gonna
pay me, Norton.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Faust] We can talk it
over in private. Downstairs?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Mike] Good idea. The hamsters
are trying to sleep up here.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Faust] Over here Major.
I'm waiting.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] As it's implied that
I'm over here.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}After you, Major.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Tom] I'm so invisible right now

{\a1\pos(201,460)}I've never been
less not invisible.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[laughing]

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Mike] Damn you all to hell.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Anyway.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}So you don't think a thousand
is enough, hmm?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] Hang on, I'm snagged
on the banister.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}[Faust]
You're a real case, Major.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}You think everyone's supposed
to jump when you open

{\a1\pos(12,460)}your big, fat mouth. Well,
you've forgotten one thing.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-[Mike] Your purse.
-Forgotten what?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Faust] You gotta have me.

{\a1\pos(183,460)}[Tom]
♪ You gotta have heart. ♪

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Faust] Now whatever you're
up to, I'm worth plenty to you,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}or you wouldn't have gone to

{\a1\pos(96,460)}all that trouble of
breaking me out?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}You're a dead duck without me.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-[Crow] Am I on speakerphone?
-What do you have in mind?

{\a1\pos(78,460)}[Faust] Well, walking
into that nuclear bomb's worth

{\a1\pos(201,460)}about 25 grand.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Tom] Oh, Abbott, I--

{\a1\pos(183,460)}[Faust]
Get a little air in here.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Twenty five grand, you're--
you're mad! I don't have

{\a1\pos(120,460)}-that kind of money.
-Then you do the job, Major.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}[Tom] I'm scratching
my butt right now, you know.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Faust] That's the figure,
25 grand in small bills,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}C.O.D., take it or leave it.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-[Crow] Your fly's open.
-All right.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}You'll go tonight.
Laura will drive you.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}[Tom]
What, you made transparent men

{\a1\pos(54,460)}by the millions, Pittsburgh.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Mike] Oppenheimer cupped
Einstein's breasts

{\a1\pos(12,460)}as Niels Bohr let his smock slip
to the lab floor.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Oh, this is hot.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[Crow] Jeannie.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Tom] I don't get science.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Mike] Is that Brut?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Crow] Well I suppose
they do those things.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}[Tom]
Hey, when you're transparent,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}mess with a fuse box.
It's funny.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Mike] You can't put
a hot tub in here,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}you need at least 100 amps.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Crow] That's not really worth
standing up for, but I'm up.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Tom] Wheel Of Fortune!

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Mike] Why does he have
a napkin dispenser?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[Tom] I don't--

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Great. Here comes Chaz the Spaz.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}No, I will not trade lunches
with you, Chaz.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}[Mike]
My cigarette lacks flavor.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}What's wrong with you?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I don't know. Why, I just
thought I heard something.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] Aye, matey. Hard to port!

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[Crow humming]

{\a1\pos(99,460)}Back in ten minutes.
I gotta check the other post.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Mike] Yeah, right, light
a match, will ya?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[music playing]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] Don't-- Jeez,
they should lock that thing.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Crow] He's moshing by himself.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Mike] This happens every day

{\a1\pos(12,460)}whether there's an invisible man
or not.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow mimics dog yelping]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Mike] No, he's stealing
their walleye minnows.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}[Tom]
Or maybe he should've brought

{\a1\pos(117,460)}a transparent tote bag.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] Be sure to sign out.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Mike] Is he gonna plant bulbs?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[Crow] Here,
they're just flexing

{\a1\pos(33,460)}their special effects muscles.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}[Tom]
Gerry Cooney, security guard.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Tom singing] ♪ Put a hundred
down and buy a car ♪

{\a1\pos(138,460)}You didn't see anyone
during all this?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Well, no sir. I--
I heard a clicking noise

{\a1\pos(12,460)}like the wheel of the vault
was turning, and I--

{\a1\pos(33,460)}I told him about it but neither
one of us saw anything.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}That's right, there was nothing
when I started to check

{\a1\pos(138,460)}the other guard post.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}[Crow]
I don't live with my mother.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Then what?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Well, I-- I turned around and a,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}and the vault door was open,
all by itself and--

{\a1\pos(96,460)}and I got up to check it
and-- and I pulled my gun.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}And something was all over me
and then the next thing I know,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-I'm-- I'm waking up.
-[Tom] Uh-huh.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}What about the alarm panel,
when did it get wrecked?

{\a1\pos(36,460)}I don't know, Mr. Drake,
it was okay when I came on duty.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}It couldn't have happened while
I was checking posts

{\a1\pos(12,460)}or he'd have noticed anyone
tampering with it.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}It's set up with each of us
covering the other.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}Yes, but it's quite obvious,
neither one of you were covering

{\a1\pos(96,460)}the other. In fact,
there was no coverage at all.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[Tom] Can we
finish being fired?

{\a1\pos(99,460)}[Mike]
There's a little stormtrooper

{\a1\pos(117,460)}who lives in my pants.
He whispers things to me.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Alright, doctor, what was it
that you wanted to tell me

{\a1\pos(138,460)}about the guinea pig?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}-It was only a matter of time.
-[Crow] I've grown to love him.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}It died despite
of resistance it was developing

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-against radiation,
-[Tom] She lived a good life.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}What about Faust?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}It's too early to tell

{\a1\pos(99,460)}but each time
it will take longer to reduce

{\a1\pos(54,460)}him to invisibility, less to
return him to normal states.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}He will also develop
a resistance.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}What about the new material,
the X-13?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I need more time to study it.
Its properties are different

{\a1\pos(54,460)}from other nuclear materials.
I do not like keeping it here.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}It's bombardment ratio
is also much lower,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-[Mike] It's vomit ratio?
-[Tom] Vova-- Vobamat.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-Strawberry jam.
-Uh,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-afraid of an explosion?
-Yes.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Tom] Unt I'm afraid of strudel,
though, I don't know why.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}-It's --
-Well use the X-13 on Faust.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}It could mean his death.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Doctor, I'm not concerned with
the welfare of one man.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}I must know the full potential
of your invention

{\a1\pos(96,460)}because my aim is to make
an entire army invisible,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}do you understand?
An entire army.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I did not agree to kill a man

{\a1\pos(222,460)}by deliberate
radiation poisoning.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}You're too old-fashioned
to be a genius.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[doors closing]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-Say Mike. What do we have here?
-Yeah, it looks really cool.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Whatever it is.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Oh, come on, it's my
Magichord 2000

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Lowrey electronic organ.
Pretty neat, huh?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-I'll say.
-What'd it do?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Oh well, give
a listen. Here.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[organ playing]

{\a1\pos(183,460)}This is neat.
This will be fun forever.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}-We'll never get sick of this.
-No, uh.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}Say Tom, I've got,
three rubber bands in my room.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}-I'm there man.
-Huh, huh? Okay, let's go.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[organ playing]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Cambot. Lights please.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Ah, perfect.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Perhaps the most volatile
and feisty

{\a1\pos(54,460)}of Henry the VIII's six wives
was Anne Boleyn.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[organ playing]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}What are you-- Hi.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Just, uh, putting on, uh,
doing some uh,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Lights please, Cambot.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I was just-- let me get--
Latin rhythm.

{\a1\pos(267,460)}-Oh.
-We'll be right back.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-Yeah, I was just uh--
-Yeah, sure.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-Something I heard.
-We know.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Nothing we haven't done.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[organ playing]

{\a1\pos(141,460)}-[Crow laughing]
-[Mike] Rick quick, I was--

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Something every
cheap safecracker

{\a1\pos(138,460)}in the country's been
dreaming of.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Too bad the doc didn't invent
it years ago

{\a1\pos(57,460)}for the right people.
Wouldn't be cooped up here now.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] Give me five, homey.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}You better lay off
the giggle water.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}He can't use you drunk,
you know.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}It's a case of my using him,
now come on with a drink.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Tom] What am I,
invisible here?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I could have walked
into that vault

{\a1\pos(96,460)}in broad daylight,
had done the same thing.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}So easy, I felt like
I was taking Krenner's

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-money away from him.
-[Crow] Hi pop!

{\a1\pos(180,460)}This time you do
it the hard way.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}-In daylight.
-[Mike] On stilts.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Well, through with me
so soon, huh?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-Gonna get me killed off.
-Oh, no not at all.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}But I have learned that security
has been tripled

{\a1\pos(78,460)}on the
vaults during the night shift.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Six men. But it hasn't been
strengthened during the day.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Since where do you get
these gems?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}He has sources,
you better believe it.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}One more haul,
and we'll have enough

{\a1\pos(117,460)}for our present supply
of work. Uh-uh.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-[Tom] Not the Glenfiddich.
-You won't need this,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-we're ready in the lab.
-[Crow] Thanks a lot, Bill W.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Mike] Did I do something wrong
to make him not slap me?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}My girdle is killing me.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] Mr. Keisterman's mailbox.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Mike] You see, doctor,
my mom loved my sister

{\a1\pos(96,460)}a lot more than me and...

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Tom] Tonight on 21, Charles Van
Doren vs. Leopold Stokowski.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[Crow] Go ahead
on invisible booth five.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Hurry up.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Mike] You've been riding
my tuchis for too long.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] Oliver Reed's
looking better than usual.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}I cannot.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Crow] That bratwurst
is repeating on me.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[Mike] I guess,
I could've done that.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Tom] It didn't seem too hard.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Great. A guinea pig got me.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Mike] I'll make any one
invisible for $49.95.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}[Crow] Well, either he's
invisible or the rice is done.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Tom] Forestry, changing the
face of northern Michigan.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Mike] Jackie Kennedy,
after the tragedy.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}She just took off
in the convertible.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Tom] Took a little cruise.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}You can't get away with
this in broad daylight, Joey.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Why don't you stop running
Kranner's errands?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-[Crow] I'm naked you know.
-Lets not get any more involved.

{\a1\pos(183,460)}[Faust]
Don't get emotional baby,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}you're nice as a playmate.
Let's keep it that way.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Let's understand that, hmm?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}They may not see you,

{\a1\pos(57,460)}but they're
bound to see the lead container

{\a1\pos(12,460)}when you try to get it out.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Faust] Got it all wrong, honey.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Today's the day
we take the bank.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}In broad daylight? You're crazy!

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Faust] You're talking
to a professional, remember?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I don't have to worry
about time locks

{\a1\pos(117,460)}or anything like that.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}Just walk in, pack up
the loose cash, and walk out

{\a1\pos(120,460)}and you, sweetheart,
are gonna be waiting for me.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Crow] That guy just lights up
the screen.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Oh, don't even say it.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}You'll cut'll be forty percent.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Tom] Chief, there's an
invisible man to see you.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Faust] I'll have to climb out.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] See? I climbed out.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Mike] I'll have to walk
into the bank.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}And now the lighter side
of banking.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}[Crow] Oh, that door
is on the fritz, I'll fix that.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Tom] Goodness, the steaks
and chops are calling me.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Mike] Anyone would notice
if I got a nice big porterhouse

{\a1\pos(54,460)}and brought it back in here.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow] Rod Serling.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Tom] A deposit, submitted
for your approval.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Mike] Guess that line's
for women only.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Eliza Doolittle.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Tom] Well, "Beginner's Guide
to Bank Security".

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Mike] Joey's gonna steal

{\a1\pos(180,460)}everybody's real
estate abstract.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}[Tom] No.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}[Crow]
That's a tiny ping pong table.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] Hey, Kevin Costner
as Jim Garrison.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Wait.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}[Mike]
She's very Olivia da Havilland.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Tom] All this happened
in Point Break

{\a1\pos(54,460)}only you could see everyone.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-[Mike] Unfortunately,
-[Crow] Oh, great.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I'm just transparent-ish.

{\a1\pos(183,460)}-Oh my Lord.
-[Tom] It's Donald Nixon.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Don't anybody move,
you won't get hurt.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Crow] He'd be less conspicuous
without the gun and the money.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}What's the matter?
What changed?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Drive. Drive. Drive!

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Mike] What's the matter?
I oughta--

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Tom] I just know I'm gonna show
up News of the Weird{\r} now.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Mike] No blinker. They're
just exacerbating their crime.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Thank you very much
for your cooperation, Miss.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}-I only hope it does some good.
-I'm sure it will.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-[phone ringing]
-[Tom] He was invisible

{\a1\pos(33,460)}-but I'm positive he was black.
-Security.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Good day now.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Tom] He's been downgraded
to a partially-visible man.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Okay.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Guess we can't stop it now.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}[Tom]
Someone ordered pizza for us.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Story's out. A reporter
was at the police station

{\a1\pos(117,460)}when the alarm came in.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Well, there's no doubt
it was Faust.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}Everyone
at the bank's identified him.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Well, what can we do?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}The man makes himself invisible.
Locks mean nothing to him.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-[Tom] He's smarter than us.
-He did take the X-13.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}What defense do
we have against him?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Nothing. None.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Tom] Maybe cops on bicycles
is the answer.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}[Mike]
We return now to Paris, Texas.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Hold it here.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] I love the smell of
atrazine in the morning.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Tom] Oh, looks like he made
the trip to bountiful.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}[hissing]

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Tom] I'm gonna build a casino,
right here.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}There must be something
we can do.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Now, if I can just
get down to Ulaf.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I can't get back to the house
till I'm invisible again.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[radio jockey] Police,
report the so-called

{\a1\pos(96,460)}invisible man who robbed
the Coatesville national bank

{\a1\pos(96,460)}has been identified
as Joey Faust,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}escaped convict
and safe cracker.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Witnesses said the robber became
visible before their eyes.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Citizens are warn--

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow] I wanted to listen
to the Twins.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}He's gotta come back,
and that tramp, too.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}I'll teach them
to double-cross me.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Take my bags outside and watch
for them.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}-Right.
-[Mike] My own personal MacLeod.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Tom] This gives me a chance
to call Peggy, quick.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I know some people in Mexico.

{\a1\pos(183,460)}We can go there
and start all over again.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] Mexico, huh?
Do you know Jose.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}I know what I've been,
Joey, but--

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-I can change all that.
-[Crow] I can be taller.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-More full-figured.
-What are you doing?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Giving you your split.
You're on your own, baby.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}But-- but you said
we'd be together.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Honey, right now, I need a car
more than I need you.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}So you can start walking
any time.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}But you can't just go off
and leave me.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}[Mike]
I'll be right back after this.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Joey!

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Tom] He overdid
the Clearasil again.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}-[Faust] Goodbye, Laura.
-[Crow] I tell you, I love you.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Crow] Huh. Is this goodbye?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Tom] It's a fine
how-do-you-do.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Oh, well, at least he left me
this pound of ground beef.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Some patties, I suppose.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Mike] Oh, I gotta get
the soybeans in.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}We'll leave everything except
the nuclear material.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow] Nuke-u-lar!

{\a1\pos(117,460)}The police catch Faust
and hear his story,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}they'll be all over us.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Crow] Oh, my Zeitgeist
is gestalting

{\a1\pos(33,460)}and now I have middle Schmitz.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I will not.

{\a1\pos(225,460)}-What?
-[Tom] Uh, okay I will.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I have been running away most
of my life.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow] Now get out of my
dingy furnished laboratory.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Doctor,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}there's something wrong
with your formula.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}But, we'll work it out
in a new location.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}An invisible army
is worth billions.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}An army of dead men, Major.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Mike] Oh, thanks,
Otto Von Bringmedown.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[laughing]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I'm taking Marie with me,
I'm sure you'll come along.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}No!

{\a1\pos(120,460)}[Crow]
She didn't finish her supper

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-she should stay in her room.
-Marie, my dear.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Prison is fun.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Mike] What the-- huh?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Krenner] Faust! Let me out
of here!

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Crow] It's super Donald Nixon.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Doc, what's wrong? Why do I keep
appearing and disappearing?

{\a1\pos(141,460)}I don't know.
I needed more time to study

{\a1\pos(117,460)}the X-13 before trying
it out on you,

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Oh, fine.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Well, you're gonna do something
about it.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}I've got to be normal,
you're gonna take care of it.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}I will, but not in this place.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Oh, why not?
I got him locked up.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}I want to be taken away
from here,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}my daughter and I, only then,
I will treat you.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}-But--
-[Tom] You with th-- then the--

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Alright, lets blow out of here.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow] Lets put our lips
together and blow.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}[Tom]
So why is she dressed for mass?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Mike] Man, Houdini couldn't get
her out of that dress.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-[Julian] Forget something?
-[Crow] Uh, girdles.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[theme music playing]

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Put that thing down.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I take my orders from the Major.
I have to.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-The maj--
-Let me.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Julian,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}You believe what he told you

{\a1\pos(12,460)}about your son being alive
in prison and in Europe?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-Yes I do.
-You're a fool.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Your son's dead, Julian.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Krenner's been using
you all along.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}[Tom]
But he is in Europe, right?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Mike] I don't even have a son.
I'm so stupid.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Crow] I've guarded this organ
for five years.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Suddenly I'm back story.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}She's right.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}So you had to
come back. Come on.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Mike] I hate to see
a grown codger cry.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Told you to hit the road,
it was for your own good.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}But, Joey please,
please give me a chance.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Sweetheart, you had
your chance. In.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Crow] This guy loves locks.
Let's admit it.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}All right, come on.
Come on, Julian.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Crow] We are all going
to grandma's

{\a1\pos(96,460)}and we're all going
to have a good time!

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] Julian. See?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Do you know Krenner is after
a process so an invisible army

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-can invade your country .
-[Mike] Get off me.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I don't care about Krenner
or his army, I care about me.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Then all of this is futile.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Krenner has found me before.
He'll find me again.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I've got money. I know places
across the border

{\a1\pos(96,460)}he never heard of.
How long are these treatments

{\a1\pos(120,460)}-gonna take?
-You may someday be declared

{\a1\pos(120,460)}a martyr, Mr. Faust.
A man who sacrificed himself

{\a1\pos(57,460)}so that an invisible army
might not overrun your country!

{\a1\pos(54,460)}What are you trying to pull,
you wanted out of here,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I made a deal with you, now
you cross me and I'll kill you.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I'm a dying man, Mr. Faust.
Radiation poisoning.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-[Mike] Oh, boo-hoo.
-You're dying, too.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-You're worse off than I am.
-You're lying.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}You have only weeks,
perhaps days, to live.

{\a1\pos(204,460)}[Crow]
Damn you, Uncle Charlie!

{\a1\pos(117,460)}You used me to get away
from Krenner.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}To free Maria.
I had no choice.

{\a1\pos(204,460)}[Mike]
That's one big cow flop.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}C'mon.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Are you so intent
upon evading the police

{\a1\pos(96,460)}for a few remaining days?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Don't you care
what Krenner is doing

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-to your country.
-Why should I care?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}What did my country ever do
for me but try and bury me

{\a1\pos(33,460)}in a concrete tomb for the rest
of my life!

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Crow] Oh, your breath
is not invisible.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I think only of my child.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}You should think of yours.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Perhaps you deserve prison.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}But did Maria deserve
what has happened to her?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Did her mother need to die?
Is this the kind of world

{\a1\pos(78,460)}you want for your child?
That is what an invisible army

{\a1\pos(12,460)}would bring. I've seen it!

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow speaking gibberish]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}How much longer I got?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}A month.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}No more.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] So, no sense
in starting a Michener novel.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Mike] Here. I sneezed
into that.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Crow] It's Big League Chew.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Don't wait for me.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Tom] I'm gonna do me
a little possum hunting.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Then I'll meet up with you.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}[Mike] This amazing
transparent man stands to win--

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] Where have you been?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}There's a man who has unlocked
every door

{\a1\pos(33,460)}except the one to his own soul.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Tom] Bob Dornan.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Now he has the key.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Come, my dear, we must find
a telephone

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-and notify the police.
-[Tom] Daddy,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}could I have a line
at some point?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}[gunfire]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[Crow] It's open.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}[gunshot]

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[Mike] There.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[Laura] Joey!

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-[door knocking]
-[Laura] Joey!

{\a1\pos(141,460)}[Tom]
This marathon bar is chewy.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[Laura] Joey!

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[Laura] Joey!

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Joey will you please,
listen to me--

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Wait for me outside.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[gunshots]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Mike] Now see, I told you
to wait for me outside.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] I'll prop your head
up so you can watch Sullivan.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Tom] Okay, you guard
the downstairs now.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Mike] The irony of the organ
being there is unbelievable.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Tom] You shot the only woman
who ever vaguely loved me.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}[Crow]
This is gonna be so great.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Mike] You're it. No tag-backs.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Tom] Oh, no. It was a bottle
of Jolt Cola.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow] With each blow he
looks more like James Garner.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Mike] Okay, now would be a
good time

{\a1\pos(12,460)}for me to turn transparent.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Tom] I'll scrape your scapula
down 'til there's nothing left.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}-You crushed my cookies.
-[Crow] I'm sorry our hygienist

{\a1\pos(117,460)}called in sick, again.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] Just takes a minute
so if you just lay there,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I'll be killing you shortly.
Just hang on.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Mike] You want a pop or
anything, I'm in the fridge?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] Thought I was done,
but just a few more minutes.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[Tom] Just got
to get the instructions.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Do you remember
how this thing works?

{\a1\pos(36,460)}[Crow]
You brute, you brute, you brute,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}you brute, you brute.
[Crow crying]

{\a1\pos(141,460)}Leave my
fissionable material alone.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Tom] God, a transparent
logie.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Crow] Jack and Jill
went up the hill

{\a1\pos(33,460)}to fetch a pail of heavy water.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Mike] In an unrelated event,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Tom] All my ex's died in Texas.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow] Maybe they blew up
ZZ Top. Maybe.

{\a1\pos(180,68)}[Tom] Whoop. Zip.

{\a1\pos(12,96)}It were pretty how my wife
turned all purple. [chuckles]

{\a1\pos(54,96)}[Crow] Sorry folks, it's all
nuclear behind here.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}[Mike]
Are you happy, Mr. Teller?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-Drake and Smith. Security.
-[Tom] Excuse me.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Why aren't you folks drinking?
This is Texas.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Sorry, I got my orders.
No one enters this area.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Too much fallout for safety.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Alright officer.
Just a minute.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}[Crow] Yeah I think a couple
of jumbo Slim Jims

{\a1\pos(117,460)}will change your mind.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}They're individually wrapped.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[Tom] And the
Bookmobile is there.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}[Crow] The binoculars switched
to another viewpoint

{\a1\pos(138,460)}They keep switching.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}[Tom]
Here, these'll blow your mind.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}[Mike]
It's a Frank Gehry building.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] Fine. If I can't get near
the fallout, I'll just smoke.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Tom] Forget it, Jake.
It's Chinatown.

{\a1\pos(225,460)}Be with
you in a minute Smitty.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Mike] Gentle pressure.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}See, did you notice the gentle
pressure?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Thank you. I learned.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Well, doctor,
you and your friends

{\a1\pos(54,460)}have succeeded in blowing up
half the county.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow] Yeah, oops.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}There isn't enough left
out there to make ashes

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I'm deeply sorry, of course.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-[Tom] Can I go now?
-But as I told you before,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}I didn't do anything by choice.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[Crow] Yeah.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I warned Major Krenner of the
danger involved,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}but you must realize,
his was a deranged mind.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[Crow] Mm-hmm.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}All he could think of was the
creating of an invisible army.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}And the power such a
force would give him.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-[Tom] Geez, I had to ask.
-You know, doctor,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}this idea of an invisible army
is quite interesting.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Crow] But I have to go.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Imagine what our
counterintelligence could

{\a1\pos(33,460)}accomplish if they were able to
become invisible

{\a1\pos(96,460)}whenever necessary.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}The sector
intelligence agency

{\a1\pos(138,460)}has already discussed
the possibilities...

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[Tom] So don't try to
lord over me.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}But my friend,
think of the danger

{\a1\pos(96,460)}if the secret were
stolen from us.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}It has happened before,
you know.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}[Tom]
You big sack of Kraut gas.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}What was that you were saying?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Perhaps it would be better if we

{\a1\pos(99,460)}let the secret die with
Major Krenner and Joey Faust.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}It's a serious problem.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}What would you do?

{\a1\pos(99,460)}[Mike]
What-- what was the question?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[Tom] Was that for us?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[Mike] What would we do?
I don't know.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Crow] I didn't know there would
be a test.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[Mike] Something to think about,
though, hmm.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[doors closing]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Wow. What an interesting
dilemma.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Crow, what would you do?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-What would you do?
-Oh, that's easy.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}If I were past mid-field,
I'd go for it.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Maybe just punt.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Oh, that's not what they mean.
Oh you...

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-incorrigible little robot.
-[laughs]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}No, the question is...
if you had a choice between

{\a1\pos(33,460)}having your own invisible army

{\a1\pos(12,460)}or blowing up a county in Texas,
which would it be?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Oh, Mike.
Come on, that's easy.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Under any circumstances,
blowing up a county in Texas

{\a1\pos(201,460)}is justifiable.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}[laughs]

{\a1\pos(222,460)}-What-- what?
-Tom...

{\a1\pos(204,460)}-What?
-My family's from Texas.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Oh, God. Oh, Mike.
No-- no, I had no idea.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I was just trying-- no--
Oh, God. Mike, I'm so sorry.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}I'm kidding.
They're from Wisconsin.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I don't care what you
do to Texas.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I'm joking. Anyway...

{\a1\pos(12,460)}We've got a letter to read.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Uh, it's actually
a transparent letter.

{\a1\pos(12,96)}Put that up on still store
there, Cambot.

{\a1\pos(12,68)}It's from Kathleen Donovan

{\a1\pos(12,96)}and she writes, "Here's a little
invention for you."

{\a1\pos(96,460)}And there's a nice little
picture there you can see.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Let's see. Yeah.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}"Fill Tom Servo's head with
a creamy custardy yogurt

{\a1\pos(138,460)}and you get... voila!
Soft-servo."

{\a1\pos(180,460)}What do you know?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}That's from Kathleen Donovan.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}[Tom]
What happened to the letter?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-It's gone. It's transparent.
-[Tom] Oh, I see.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-[laughing]
-Thanks, Kathleen.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Mike, I have an invisible army,
you know.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}They're right behind me.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}No, no, no you don't.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}My invisible army
is right behind me

{\a1\pos(138,460)}and they just whomped
on your invisible army.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}-Did not!
-Did too!

{\a1\pos(264,460)}-Did not!
-Did too!

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo...

{\a1\pos(117,460)}what a couple of wacky,
mixed up bots.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-I'll see you later.
-Okay.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Hey. Look at you, you are a
skinny young man.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Here, have another
one of my rock hard,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}flavorless butter cookies.

{\a1\pos(183,460)}You know,
it's a wonderful dilemma.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Do I put an ice auger
through his chest

{\a1\pos(138,460)}or do I enjoy another
delicious piece

{\a1\pos(180,460)}of his wonderful
apple pandowdy?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Either way, I win!
[chuckles]

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Well, Auntie McFrank,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}it looks like you're over
your disappointment.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[clattering]

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Squanto!

{\a1\pos(201,460)}A Warriors Tale.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[slow theme music playing]

{\a1\pos(138,96)}You see? I touch it,
it does it no harm.