Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 7, Episode 9 - The Skydivers - full transcript

♪ In the not-too-distant
future ♪

♪ Way down in Deep 13

♪ Dr. Forrester
and TV's Frank ♪

♪ Were hatching
an evil scheme ♪

♪ They hired a temp
by the name of Mike ♪

♪ Just a regular Joe
they didn't like ♪

♪ Their experiment
needed a good test case ♪

♪ So they conked him
on the noggin ♪

♪ And they shot him
into space ♪

♪ [Get me down!]

♪ We'll send him
cheesy movies ♪

♪ The worst we can find

♪ [la la la]

♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all ♪

♪ And we'll monitor his mind

♪ [ la la la ]

♪ Now keep in mind,
Mike can't control ♪

♪ Where the movies
begin or end ♪

♪ [ la la la ]

♪ He'll try to keep
his sanity ♪

♪ With the help
of his robot friends ♪

♪ Robot Roll Call

♪ Cambot! [Show yourself!]

♪ Gypsy! [I'm not ready!]

♪ Tom Servo! [Hello there!]

♪ Croooow! [That's one "o"!]

♪ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes ♪

- ♪ And other science facts
- ♪ [ la la la ]

♪ Just repeat to yourself
it's just a show ♪

♪ I should really just relax

♪ For Mystery Science
Theater 3000!" ♪

[guitar twang]

- Hi, everyone!
Mike Nelson here on
the Satellite of Love

with my buddy Crow.

You're just in time to see
Tom Servo's Planetarium Show!

[Tom sings "Theme From
2001: A Space Odyssey"]

- Welcome, space travelers!

to the Tom Star Show!

Let's all hop on board
the galaxy shuttle

and take a trip through
our nation's solar system!

We'll be traveling
at about the speed of light.

Yes, well over
500 miles an hour!

So, ha ha, fasten
your seat belts.

First stop, the planet Mars!

- Take me to Uranus!

- Mars, the brightest
star in our galaxy...

- Hey, let's probe Uranus!

- Patience, space traveler,
we'll visit all the planets.

- What, are you
ashamed of Uranus?

- Crow!

[Tom mumbles]

- Excuse me, I have some
questions about Uranus.

- Let's save our questions
for the appropriate question...

- Uh, Uranus is big
and gassy, isn't it?

- Shut up.

But ours is not
the only planetary system...

- Servo, we have
to get to Uranus

and wipe out the Klingons!

- Shut up! Just shut up!

[Mike and Crow laughing]

- We'll be right back.

- Where'd he go?

[upbeat music]

- And he just wouldn't let up!

I mean, how many jokes
about Uranus can a guy make

before they just aren't funny?

- Hey, I know, those kind
of jokes are never funny.

- You know, Servo,
I've seen satellite
pictures of Uranus.

[Mike laughs]

- Oh! A noser! Hoo hoo hoo!

- Hey, Nelstoned.

You know why I call
you Nelstoned?

Because you are so stoned,
man.

You wake and bake every day.

You are so high.

- Frank!

What the hell are you doing?

- I really don't know.

- Well, stop it.

Wake and bake.

Anyway, Nelson, I'll
get right to the point.

In high school I was awfully,
awfully good at swing choir.

They rejected me, and
that's fueled my badness.

How did you put it, Frank?

- It made you mad.

It made you mean mad.

- That's right. That's why...

- They worked on you
until you were nothing

but a big ball of mean...

- Frank!

What is with you, jeez!

Anyway, Nelson,
I propose a little contest.

Your swing choir against mine.

Mano a mano, what do you say?

- Well, I was no slouch in
the swing choir department
myself,

so, guys, Gypsy,
what do you say?

- I say let's dust his
pasty swing choir butt!

[all cheer]

- Good!

Well, here are your costumes,

and some suggested charts.

Thank you, Frankie.

Franklin and I will start first.

Standard swing choir scoring.

Oh, and I'll be the judge.

Here we go!

♪ Long, and tall,
and tan, and lovely ♪

♪ The guys from
Deep 13 go walking ♪

♪ I'm walking
in your footsteps ♪

♪ I'm walking
in his footsteps. ♪

♪ We are family

♪ I've got TV's Frank!

♪ He's got me!

♪ You're the one that I want

♪ [You're the one
that I want, baby] ♪

♪ Oo Oo Oo!

♪ I want you to want me

♪ [You do?]

♪ I need you to need me.

♪ [Oh yeah?]

♪ Rivers belong
where they can ramble ♪

♪ Eagles belong
where they can fly. ♪

♪ Round, round, get around,
I get around! ♪

♪ Get around, round, round,
she gets around! ♪

♪ This land is your land

♪ This land is my land

♪ That's right!

♪ From California
to the New York Island ♪

♪ Send in the clowns

♪ There ought to be clowns.

♪ Don't bother, they're here.

[crying ]

♪ New York, New York!

- Well, well, well.

The battle was well met,
my friend.

Now it's time to
tabulate those scores.

Frank?

Ah, I liked my originality,

my costumes were fabulous,

and I had a lot of energy.

You were derivative,

I didn't like your costumes,

Frank, tabulate those scores?

- Oh, my gosh!

We won!

- Oh, yes!

- We won! We won!
- Yes! Yes!

- In your face, Nelson!

- Well, Mike,
got a good one for you today.

It's a little thing
called "Skydivers."

It's kind of like "Manos"
without the lucid plot,

but first, an
industrial art short.

Catch you later, man!

- Did Forrester's dance make
anyone else physically ill?

- I liked it!

- Well, you're a freak...

- Ah, we've got Movie Sign!

- Movie Sign! [sings]

[marching band music]

- Puberty on parade!

- Oh, this is one of
Sousa's tender love ballads.

- Because you're bad at math.

- No students' arms were harmed
in the making of this film.

- Someone got a doctorate
in Industrial Arts?

- Loser.

- Thank you, Centron.

- Depressed, yet?

- You know it's
fun to have an idea.

- There, wasn't that fun?

- To be able to put
that idea down on paper.

- I can't do it, but.

- See it take shape in wood.

- Avoid taking real classes.

- And metal.

- Why, you could
make your own bomb!

- And plastic.

- Or skin, if you can get it.

- Or in leather.

- Who am I kidding?
This will never go
with my outfit.

- And you know, I like
the feel of a board

moving smoothly
against a sharp saw.

- And I rough the nail
into the soft, yielding wood.

- I like the smell of fresh
wood chips, and sawdust.

- I put them in my underwear.

- The bright glare of a welder.

- I like to sneak in
and lay on the table saw.

- The sharp whine
of a power tool.

- The piercing
scream of a freshman.

- Or the dull tap, tap,
of tools on leather.

- I keep "Popular Mechanics"
under my mattress.

- The feeling
of chaps with no pants.

- A wrench.

- Let it go, man.

It's over!

- A plane.

- These tools are my friends.

- Or a chisel.

- What about girls,
young man, girls?

- No, chisels.

- And I feel real good
because I'm a craftsman.

- And not a killer.

- Because I can use my mind
and my hands to create.

Of course, I don't
know if I'd ever tell

my buddies all this,

because, well,
sometimes they laugh

when you tell them
things like this.

- Then they pants you
and drag you around the track.

[school bell rings]

- Any talk of unions
brings the threat of
reprisals at this school.

- Hey, Joe, come on,
let's go to basketball practice.

- Okay, but wait until I
finish cleaning up here.

- Hey, you making this?

- I'm making it
for the Grand Wizard.

- You know, this looks as good
as furniture you'd buy
in a store.

- It ought to, it's taken
me long enough to make it.

- Kind of slow, huh?

- Yeah, but I've learned
enough making this one

that I could
probably make another
in about half the time.

- Still your Mexicans
do it real cheap.

- How do you like
this shop course, Joe?

- I like it swell, why?

- Could you staple
my ears back?

- Didn't you ever wonder

what good you'd get out
of a course like this?

- Yeah, I did, as
a matter of fact

I went to Mr. Barnes,
the shop teacher,

and asked him about it.

He said that with the large
amount of construction work...

- With the large amount
of construction work

that's taking place in
our country's expansion,
we need many more young men

who are trained
to design our future.
We'll need architects.

- We'll take hair
from the back of your head

and we plug it into the top.

- Designers.

- A newfangled bong [laughs].

- And draftsmen.
- Extruded plastic dingus.

- And, Joe, we'll
need scores of men

who can translate and
build those ideas on paper.

into the actual homes,
churches, schools,

and factories of the future.

We'll need engineers.

- I don't trust
my wife [mumbles]

- Carpenters.

- We'll need actors, people
who can read lines with

and interact with others.

- Krazy Glue spokesmen!

- Got it, got it

- Wow, ho, hot, woo hoo hoo!

- And plumbers.

- I can't get this thing
back in my pants, Earl.

- We'll need men who can design

the machines of the future,

and men who can build, operate,
and repair these machines.

We'll need electrical engineers.

- Yes, one of
these in every home.

- Pattern makers.

- But why the hat?
Why not a kicky beret?

- Foundry men.

♪ Oh you never would believe

♪ Where those Keebler
cookies come from ♪

- Tool operators

- ♪ Tool operators

- ♪ Tool operators
- And mechanics.

- This came out of me,
what do you make of it?

- And, Joe, these are just
a few of the occupations

- I could name.
- That's right.

- All of these jobs pay well.

and afford challenges
and chances of advancement
to the individual.

- I want to be a hairdresser.

- The courses I take here
won't actually prepare me
for one of these jobs

when I graduate, will they?

- No, you'll probably
need more training

by either going on to college,

or by apprenticing yourself
into one of the skilled trades.

But believe me, Joe,
the basic training

you get in these courses now,

will give you
an edge over the fella

who hasn't had such experiences.

- It's like he made
his shirt out of wood.

- Well, that's what
Mr. Barnes had to say

on the value
of courses like this.

- These bourgeoisie.

- You plan to be
an engineer, Joe,

and I can't see how
industrial arts courses

would do me much good
if I should decide

to go into business,
or something like that.

- You can't, huh?

- No.
- Me neither.

- Let's got to basketball
practice. Meanwhile, I'm
going to set you straight

on a few of the facts of life.

For instance, did you know
that no matter what job

you go into after
you graduate...
- Your voice changes.

- You'll be able to use
lots of the things

you've learned in your
industrial arts courses.

- No, no, turn it off!

No, oh, God, no...

- ...a basic knowledge
of those operations.

Maybe you'll be a farmer,
and knowing how to build
improvements around the farm,

and how to repair all
the equipment you'll use,

is a must for you
in that operation.

- I forgot the door.
- D'oh.

- You can go on in your studies
and become an industrial
arts teacher.

Like Mr. Barnes.
He sure enjoys his work,

and he told me that
there is always a demand

for industrial arts teachers...

- What is this crap?

- Give me this! No! Wrong!
Do it again!

- Hi, Bill, hi, Joe.
- I'm not a communist.

- But, like you say, what
if you should go into business

or selling, or
something like that?

Well, you'll still be
dealing with material.

You'll still have to be able
to recognize quality material,

and quality craftsmanship.

- And it only
weighs 500 pounds.

- If you're in production,

you'll have to know what
materials and techniques

can best be combined to
give you a quality product

at a low cost.

- Yeah, this makes
the army look good!

- Look at this,
should I pop this?

- No, Bill, you're going
to have to look far and wide

to find a job that
doesn't somewhere or other

use industrial arts...

- Look up top there,
a pin up of Kathy Bates.

[horrified gasps]

- Hey, how about the
coach, I bet he doesn't...

- You bet he doesn't what?
- Oh, hi, coach, well, uh.

we were just talking...
- When you start making
bets on me, I'm interested.

- Well, we were talking
about different jobs

and which industrial
arts training you'd use,

and well, Bill thinks...

- He thinks that coaching
isn't one of them, huh?

- Loser. Give me 20!
- I took some industrial arts
courses at school,

- Look at me now.

- And except for some
work on the gym floor,

and knowing a little
bit about plastics,

and some other materials
used in sports equipment,

actually it hasn't helped me
a great deal in my coaching.

- See?
- Wait a minute.

- I'm glad I took those courses.

Oh, we may have worked on
Model As instead of hot rods

when I took my mechanics course,

but in it I gained a mechanical
interest and know how

that's stayed with me
through all these years.

- Boys, boys!

- If I get in my
car and go someplace.

- I can open the door.

- I feel pretty confident that
in case of minor trouble,

I can fix it, or at least
recognize its source.

- Help, help me!

I can't do anything
about it, help!

- Why, the cat's in here!

- Recently my wife
and I bought a home.

We felt much surer that we
were getting our money's worth

because of my experience
with industrial arts.

- Get on up here, sporto.
- People like to whisper
the word sinkhole

around this neighborhood,
but it's really not a problem.

- I could tell whether good
quality wood had been used.

- Crummy, well,
we'll just paper this.

- Whether adequate electrical
wiring had been installed.

- Okay, we can use
a toaster or the lamp.

- I could tell
what interior woods

and finishing materials
had been used,

and whether these were
likely to stand up under wear.

- Don, there's a lovely
kill floor in here.

- Oh, the previous
tenant didn't flush.

- And since that time,
I've done a lot of work
on the house myself.

- I put a patio
in the living room.

- Built on a new room,

and made a recreation
room out of it.

Most of the minor repair work
that comes up around the house,

I can take care of myself.

- Of course, when the house
began sliding downhill,

that was a different story.

- Like to build now, but I
just haven't got the time.

But when I retire, I'll
have a ready made hobby
to keep me busy.

- I'll build giant
recipe card boxes.

- You know, fellas, there's
a feel about it that I like.

- His disciples.

- Of being able to
visualize something

and then create it
with my own hand.

- The semi-nude club.

- As a matter of fact,
most industrial arts courses

will help you in sports,
because they do help you

to coordinate mind and body.
- Say "body" again, sir.

- This is basketball practice,
not a lecture.

[sharp gasps]

- The shop class version.

- I believe I will
take a couple of

industrial arts
courses next year.

- Fine, Bill.

- Say, you're in
auto shop, man,

how you think my car would look
if I smoothed out the hood
and put a new grille in it

and, you know, made
a real rod out of it.

- Great.
- Just let me go.

Please don't touch me anymore.
Don't, no.

- This is the film the boys
had to watch

and the girls had
to go to the gym

and watch the other film.

- Mmm, that one.

[Tom sings]

- Come here, you
big lug, ha ha.

[dramatic orchestral music]

- A "National
Geographic" special.

- Kevin Casey as Beth
and Tony Cardoza as Nancy.

- Ow, fire ants, ah! Ooh!

- Let's do the skydialer!

- They shoot horses, don't they?

[intense drumming]

- "Big J" [laughs]

- It's like the Spruce
Goose is chaperoning

a teen party here.

[dramatic orchestral music]

- Ah, this is just a typical

Brainerd International
Raceway party.

- That's amazing how
many of these people

went on to have major careers.

- Yes.

- Oh, I know what this is.

This is an "I can't pay you,

but I'll put your name in
the credits" cast list.

- "The 10 Commandments" had
a smaller cast than this.

- All woman, all the time.

- A typical Irish wake.

- Well, so far they're really
hitting the skydiving hard.

- Look at 'em go.

- Come on, come on, baby.

- Bravo respects
the rights of the artist,

but we cut their films anyway.

- Ouch.
- Zing.

- A clown plane.

I can see why they bailed.

- They're doing this
to get an aerial shot

of that lady's cleavage.

Hee, hee, dirty.

- Primitive crop
dusting, isn't it?

- Weekdays and holidays
are kind of slow.

- There is no landscape bleaker

than that of the rural airport.

- I just like to go
and watch the planes land.

[cheerful orchestral music]

- Suddenly,
Frank Deval is there.

- Marlo Thomas in "That Guy."

- Loretta Lynn
in "Co-pilot's Daughter."

- Beth, is Frankie here?

- Frankie's not here.

- Frankie goes to Hollywood.

- When will he be here?

- He won't.
He was fired.

- Fired?

- Suzy, Frankie was
fired for being drunk.

- I got drunk
and you never fired me.

- You don't work here.

- You came out here
in the hot sun

looking for Frankie.

- Am I that transparent?

- I had to take the tractor
'cause my dad took the car.

- He'd never touch you, Terry,
you're dirt.

- Lumpy butt!

- Ah, lumpy butt, heh heh.

- Stop calling me "Lumpy Butt."

- Nothing! No, nothing.

- There's a pot of coffee
on the stove for you, Harry.

- Coffee, thanks,
that's better than sex.

- I'm gonna take
it up for a check.

- Coffee?

- I'm gonna go watch
the Kefauver hearings anyway.

- Whoa!
- Ow!

- If only he'd taken
an industrial arts class.

- At least there's this
riveting soundtrack.

- This is downright
Hitchcockian.

- Robin Hitchcock.

- I'm going to fly
down to the Winn-Dixie.

- There's a heck of a lot
of glancing going on here.

- I'm gonna spin donuts all
over your cruddy airfield.

[engine sputtering]

- Terror at sea level.

- More terrifying
than "Airport '77."

- The loneliness
of the long distance greaser.

[engine sputtering]

- Hey, but the plane
was moving and you, hey!

- You know where the
non-dairy creamer is, honey?

- I'm sorry I thought
it was the car.

- My face is too tight.

- I saw my hair in the
mirror and I panicked.

- I don't know.

Frankie overhauled the engine.

- Airplane accidents
make me hot.

- At least, he said he did.

- I'll taxi it back.

- What did he mean by that?

- This place is just
crawling with missile silos.

- Whoa, heh heh, sorry, honey.

Let's get you back in there.

- And in this
corner the Piper Cub.

- Hi, Beth.
- [surprised yelps]

- Wait here, I'll
be right back.

- How are you?

- Pete, I've never been better.

- How about
driving me up there?

I want to make a freefall.

- On you. [laughs]

- No.

You're not ready
to go up alone yet.

- Oh, I'm ready, Beth.

I had my static jumps already.

Come on, take me up there.

- Please?
- What the?

- Okay, I'll check you out.

- Let me get the rubber glove.

- What?

- You're prettier every day.

- Oh...

- She must've
written the dialogue.

- I think you'll need
the plane, too, Tony.

- Bob, you ready?

- Coming, Harry!
- Wait. He was there...

- Someone with Attention
Deficit Disorder edited
this film.

- Tell your little brother
thanks for the helmet.

- Let's go.

- What's the point
of a helmet in skydiving?

In case you land on your head?

- Generic plane,
cheaper than other planes.

- Okay, bye, now!

Bye-bye, good luck.

- So long.

- See you later, bye-bye now.

- Bye.

- Bye-bye.

Goodbye.

- Honey, even if
a hairstyle is in,

it may not be
the right one for you.

- Keep up the front.

- I've changed my mind!

- Sure is a lot
of white trash down there.

[humming]

- Well, sorry, they
overbooked the flight.

You'll get a free ticket when
you hit the ground, so long.

[wind rushing]

- Sounds like
Superman's out there.

[singing Superman theme]

- Okay, one, two,
three, no, wait.

Okay, one, two, three, go.
Okay, one, two, three, now.

- Jeez, I didn't think
we'd go this high. [gagging]

- From here she
looks like an ant

that gets prettier every day.

- I want on!

- Oh, no,
this is my camping gear!

- Hold on, is today the day
they're testing that bomb?

[fake explosions]

- Boing-oing-oing.

- Ah, jeez, he's caught on
the wing of the plane again.

- Damn it.

- Hey, I can see
my feet from here.

- That was incredible.

- Should I be gaining speed?

- Alrighty, then.

How's that wallet
coming there, Tom?

- Okay, I guess.

- It's pathetic.

You're gonna flunk shop.

- Hey!
- It's so embarrassing.

- Shut up!
- [Crow laughs]

- Hey! Hey!
- What?

- How's your shop
project there, Crow?

- Project?

Oh, you mean that
napkin holder thingy?

Oh, it's, it needs a little
work, I'll be right back.

- Uh huh, yeah, thought so.

Alright, well, let's take
a look at it here, sporto.

- It's not done,
my arms don't work!

[saw buzzing]
- Crow, you sure you
can handle this thing?

- Piece of cake, Mike.

- Alright, well, just make sure

you observe all
the proper safety precautions.

- Ah, safety schmafty.

- Hey, are you
wearing your goggles?

- Yeah, yeah, who needs them?

[Crow screams]

- What happened?

- It's just a scratch.

Hey, what do you think of her?
She's a beaut, huh?

- Hey, birdbrain, you
forgot the best part!

- What did you do?

- Ask him, it's his fault!

- Is not!
- Is too!

- Is not!
- Is too!

- Industrial arts,

because the future
belongs to the skilled.

[laughs]

- Ah, perfect, there.

[upbeat music]

- Safe boating is no accident.

[jazz scat singing]

- Ted Kennedy's PT 109.

- I've saved you
from your boat, honey.
[kisses]

- Enjoy this tribute
to white, white, bodies.

♪ We're so pink and
we're really white ♪

- Thank you for bringing
me to the Eelport Festival.

- White kisses.

- I need to get out
of the sun to maintain

my fish belly white complexion.

- Will I see you tomorrow?

- Well, you have
to ask the editor.

- No, Suzy.
Not tomorrow.

- I have a headache tomorrow.

- Jeez, she looks like
she's from Middle Earth.

- Um, Suzy, that's my car,
I'm pretty sure that's,

you can have it, I just.

- I'm blind, I probably
shouldn't be driving.

[fake injured dog sounds]

[exaggerated coughing]

- Hey, here's a tip:

Don't buy the Tommy Kirk
workout video.

- Hey, look!
Benji got an Oldsmobile.

- He's riding with FDR.

- Dog days at Campobello.

- Oh, he delivers dogs.

- Harry Reems?

What is he doing?

[fake automobile sounds]

- Oh, she's setting
up for a seance.

- They're going to
invoke the spirit of
the continuity man.

[piano playing]

- Now I lay me down to eat.

- Honey, the noodle is ready.

- Wait a minute.

- The Red Baron's
going to appear.

- Hi, Harry.

- I managed
to get us a reservation.

- Fun, huh?

- Joe Moss.

- You haven't heard
from him in a long time.

- Here comes Bronson!

[sings theme
from "The Great Escape"]

- Malcolm Forbes to the rescue!

- "The night we dropped on Korea

seems like only a dream.

The picture you sent of Beth,

well, all I can say is,
you're lucky."

- Then it says, "Ha ha ha."

- "Just plain lucky."

- "Ha ha ha again."
- "I'll wrap it up for now.

if you ever need
a good mechanic,

just send me a note
attached to a homing pigeon,

and I'll come a-running."

- He sure makes
a letter come alive.

- "Good luck
with your jump school.

Send my regards to Beth.

As always, Joe."

- Get your motor running.

- Maybe.

- No.

- With Frankie gone,
we could use a good mechanic.

- Dinner isn't
white enough, honey.

- Couldn't pay Joe very much,

but, if you want to,

why don't you ask
him to come out here?

- The monitor lizard
looks delicious.

- Yeah, not a bad idea.

- I'm gung ho on that idea.

- Ow, ow. My hinder.

- Why are they sitting
in a refrigerator box?

- Harry, what's happened to us?

- Jeez, I just read a letter.

- It's just not like
it used to be at all.

- I'm lonely down there.

- Something's come
between us.

- Jeez, they should set
a place for Eraserhead.

- I'll stick by you
until the last propeller

falls off the plane.

- Funny you should
bring that up,

the last propeller just...

- Harry.

- Her helmet shifted.

- She didn't fasten
her chinstrap.

- Jim Jarmusch's
"Scenes from a Marriage."

- I'll get the dessert.

- Alright, Harry.

- If it's the Tuna Helper
you want.

- Can I be excused?
I have to go cheat on you.

- This man stands to win over.

- I thought he'd love
the English muffin pizza,
but no.

- Claude Akins!
Oh, no.

[suspenseful orchestral music]

- Please,
I'm not a huggy person.

♪ I want to bite
and kiss you, rough boys ♪

- Oh, you should wait
half an hour after
eating before wrestling.

- Industrial Arts! Business!

- I get to be
the stewardess this time!

- How'd they get in there?

- Ooh, right in the fuselage.

- I guess the job interview
isn't going that well.

- Hold on, clear!

- Now the Hare Krishnas just
come right out to the runway.

[orchestral music intensifies]

[humming]

- And the Pet Shop Boys
have creative differences.

- Give me your lunch
money, you knob!

- I think they're going
for the quiet man movie
fight record.

- Is this part
of the pre-flight checklist?

- You know,
in the world of skydiving,

it's often brother
against brother.

- Wilbur, Orville, come on.
Jeez.

- Oh, come on,
I'm wearing mascara.

- I want the dark-haired guy
to win.

- Yeah, the one
in the dark clothes?

- I like them both.

I care deeply about
them as characters.

- Okay, you don't have
a bathroom I can use, sorry.

- Oh, my implants!

[dramatic orchestral music]

- Harry, I'll tell Beth.

- Tell Beth?

About what?

- Suzy's my girl.

- Bill.

- You leave her alone.

- Say, does this feel
kind of funny to you, here?

- She's my girl,
Suzy is, Harry.

- What's going on?
- I don't know.

- Get up.
- Get on up.

- You lost.

- Suzy's nobody's girl.
- Who's Suzy?

- She promised to marry me.

- Okay, you can have her,
but I get your bike.

- Alright, Frankie.

You stay away from here,

I'll stay away from your girl.

Frankie, if I ever see
you around here again,

I'll break both your legs.

- What if I don't
bring them with me?

- You hear me, Frankie?
Both of them.

- Come on up to the house
for cheesecake, okay?

[mock-whimpering]

- I was born to be wild.

My mom said I was.

- He is surprisingly firm.

Nice thighs.

- This isn't the only gray
town I can go to, you know?

- Hey, you get that motorcycle
out of this here barn.

[fake cow mooing]

[fake dog barking]

- Oh, the heads came off.

- Did you pack my makeup case?

- You think it's
worth it, Bernie?

- Yeah, I think so.

Feels good, making like a bird,

floating around up there.

- Pooping on people.

- You know, Beth,
- I'm Rita Moreno.

- if I couldn't
jump once in awhile.

- What'd you ask me?

- I think I'd crack up.
I don't know.

Seems like I get rid
of all my worries

every time I jump.

- I guess that's
why most of us jump.

- Me, I want to be a dandelion.

- Or maybe we're scared.

- Maybe we're dumb.

- Maybe we.

- La la la la
I'm not listening.

- We have to prove
that we're not scared.

- Anytime you're ready.

- Five minutes, Harry.

- What the?

- Amon Goeth on guitar.

- I've never seen
a three man pass before.

- I haven't either.

- Doodles Weaver is Eraserhead.

- You think they'll make it?

- I don't see why not.

It's not easy,
but it's been done before.

- Wow.
- Here they come!

Hey, don't go away
until I get a good one.

Hold it, boys, I want
to get a nice picture now.

- Here, honey.

- Now this is for
the circulating pine, so smile.

- Let's get one
with the bride's parents.

- See you after you get down.

- Right, now, Bernie,
stay on heading.

and I'll be down to
you as soon as I can.

- I'll be looking for you, Bob.

- I'll be the stain
on the runway.

- Hey, Orville Moody.
Hey, Orville.

- Wonder how high
they're gonna jump.

- I don't know.

- They really captured that
kind of situation, didn't they?

- Welcome to Itty
Bitty Airline.

- Now, did you make a potty?
Good.

- You jump?

- He's covering
the event for "Crawdaddy."

- Give me a little
push, Beth, there we go.

- Love that Bob.

- Get him, get him, yes!

- Ah, roger, tower,
which way's the sky?

Oh, okay.

- And here's what
I learned in prison.

- Newspaper?
- Thank you.

- Nope.

- Magazine?

- Nope.

- Oh, now we'll never know!

- Then why do you
do them pictures?

- Just sit home
and look at them.

- Steve, we're still on
the runway, you might want to.

- Hey, Gary,
you need your chute?

- Oh, man, it's cold up here.

I should have
brought a light wrap.

- Your face is
really flapping, Irv.

- Glad he's not
skydiving naked.

- The actors do
their own skydiving?

- No, the skydivers
did their own acting.

- I would think there'd
be something really pure

about jumping without a chute.

- Picked a good day to do it.
It's not crowded.

- This is primitive mapmaking.

They're drawing real fast.

- Air parachuting idolist
Trini Lopez and the Dirty Dozen.

- They're over the land
of Dairy Queen.

- Mind if we dive
through?

- Hey, there's a candy bar.

- Excuse me, we're filming
a James Bond movie here,

could you move, please?

- The earth has
a big zipper on it.

- Dearly beloved we
are gathered here today.

- With my luck I'd fall
right in a stump grinder.

- Kissing close.

- Hey, a Wal-Mart got
built since we jumped.

- I'm going to go land in Utah.

- Whoa, sorry,
I had Mexican for lunch.

- Uh, was I supposed
to have one of those?

- There.

- Was this supposed
to be attached directly
to my jockstrap?

- Ow!

- You know the fact
that they skydive

doesn't make me like them.

- The plane expels its seed,

which drifts over the prairie

and attaches itself to
pistols and steamers.

- Hey, that one is
screaming and flailing!

- See!

- Why Jeannie C. Reilly!

- Her beauty has leveled off.

- The Virgin Mary has appeared

and she wants the world
to build airfields.

- God, I got to move the Jeep.

- This is so beautifu-
oh my shinbone!

Ohh, God.

- Now, to finish
the job and run them over.

- Seems like they forgot
to have things happen
in this movie.

- Yes!
- Yeah, that's it.

- Shoot, forgot to eat my
lunch while I was up there.

- Today I feel
positively tawny.

- I always bring more
stuff than I need.

- Let's review,
you need, Roy, Al.

- Let's try that same
thing again at night.

- That'd be a good deal.

Anytime with me,
nighttime or daytime.

- Hey, yeah,
but let's paint the baton

with some luminous paint, uh?

[mock-laughing]

- I wish we were them.

- It started out as
a paralegal center,

but it didn't really catch on,

then a parakeet farm,
but that failed too.
- Do shut up.

- Ah, drama!

You see, because
the character didn't know

where the sport parachuting
place was before.

Now he does.

Resolution.

- Ah, the Nebraska
state forest.

[jazzy music]

- Welcome to ground zero.

- The left turn is
successfully executed.

Hands at 10 and 2.

- That's the last time I let
a dart decide where I go
on vacation.

- Skydiver darts
in front of the car.

- Dad, can we change
the radio station?

Dad? Dad?

- Help me, Lord,
I'm being sucked into

the vortex of sport parachuting.

[car horn honks]

- Hey, everyone, it's me.

- Anyone want to
buy a saxophone?

- Our house is so baggy.

- They've achieved
perfect Hugo, Minnesota.

- Pyle!

- The scene was supposed
to start an hour ago.

Where were you?

- I know you.

Beth, you're prettier
than your picture.

- Joe! Joe Moss!
How are you?

Oh, it seems like I've
known you all my life.

I've heard so much about you.

- How was your trip?
- Great.

- Good!
- Yay.

- How about some coffee?

- Coffee?

- What is this coffee?

- I like coffee.
- Good.

- And thus we peer into
the complex inner workings
of this character.

- So, how long have
you liked coffee?

- Where is it, your coffee?

- So, she's hooking up with
Donald O'Connor now, huh?

- So, coffee, or?

[fake dog barking]

- Shut up. Shut up.

- I like this place.
- We like it.

I'd like it better if it
were paid for, though.

- Well.

- I know, I'm pretty.

- Where's the general?

- The gen, oh.

He had to go into the village

and check the troops.

- Weren't you saying
something about some coffee?

- You know,
I think you're right.

- Coffee underachievers.

- Coffee is a major plot point.

- Ooh, I wonder who
this is gonna be.

Let's see.

Oh, good!
Now the scene's gonna pick up.

- There we go.

- Joe, it's good to see you.

- Harry, it's good
to see you too.

- Have you met your wife?
- When did you get in?

- Oh, rolled in
about an hour ago.

This young lady here offered me
a cup of coffee.

- Let's have a cup.

- Is he gonna get his coffee?

- Cool it, boys,
cool it, come on.

[upbeat music]

- No, I liked "You So Crazy."

- Oh, my God!

- Holy! Did we catch you
at a bad time?

- Well,
it's a little awkward, Mike.

I kind of got myself caught
in a double jock lock.

- What the heck is that?

- Oh, a double jock lock.

Beloved high school
prank wherein the victim,

usually an unathletic nerd,
well, like, say, Crow, right,

has the loops of his jockstrap

pulled up over his legs,

rendering it
virtually impossible

for the victim to free himself.

- A double jock lock
sounds like pure Americana,

but Crow, how the heck
did you get into one?

- Well, I basically
did it to myself

as a learning experience?

I wanted to see if I
could get out of it.

- And what did you learn?

- I can't.

- Okay, well, you need
any help freeing yourself?

- No, Mike, I think it's
important that I learn

to get out on my own,

because this is
gonna come up again.
- Alright then.

Well, we're gonna take off.
Good luck, there.

- Good, luck buddy!

I really admire you.

- Thanks!

[grunting]

Well, live and learn, huh?

Well, this shouldn't
be a problem,
unless of course we hit--

[alarm blaring]
- Movie Sign! Oh no!

- Now we'll look at the
lighter side of skydiving.

- He goes through
more dogs that way.

Takes a lot of bikers out too.

[cheerful orchestral music]

- Even the soundtrack's
making coffee.

[fake horse clip-clopping]

[mock kisses]

- Let's watch our intrepid hero

as he gets himself into
another goofy situation.

- I predict in
the climatic finale

she jumps without a chute,
and then her hair opens up.

- What's all the excitement?

- I want to try
something different.

I want to freefall
from 5,500 to 1,000.

- You know we can't
let you do that.

You want the man from
the FAA down here?

- Well, who's gonna
tell him? Not me.

- Oh, come on, Pete,
you may as well forget it.

- What's the matter, kid,
you tired of living?

- Who's your friend, Harry?

- Joe Moss. We jumped
with the 11th airborne.

- Likes coffee.

- Hi, Joe.
- Well, hi.

- You ever freefall?
- Not yet.

- Well you ought to.
It's fun.

- Do it!
- What do you get out
of jumping, Steve?

- Bottom feeder.

- I feel real free up there,

in that high blue sky.

- Cops can't touch me up there.

- ...tell you what to do,
you just have to please
yourself up there.

It's free.

- Forget, it, Pete.

2,200 and pull it, or forget it.

- It's fun, man!

- 2,200, for you.
Who's driving?

- I'll drive, let's go.

- Quick, go cash his check.

- This time we're only
going up 15 feet, Harry.

It's fun.

- I guess we're all
a little mixed up.

- Really, do you put
beans in your nose?

- He's alright.

- What's wrong with the kid?

- I don't know.

- Just drive.
I'm not talking to you.

Drive.

- About that
coffee of yours, uh

gonna, no, or?

A tea maybe?

- They had to hack that
runway out of the jungle.

- Holeston,
a little Bevo, perhaps?

- Just going for a drive.
Get up in the air.

- Sure hope there's
more skydiving.

- Okay, are you
ready to talk now?

[swelling orchestral music]

- Hey, that's my car!

- I forgot my lips.

- Tang, a little Tang?

- I don't feel like jumping.
Let's go to the zoo.

It's fun!

- You said to jump toward
the propeller, right?

- I don't...

I don't know about this.

Geronima-mo-le-ho!

[mock crying]

- If it were me,
I'd parachute right into
a Mr. Bulky warehouse.

- I think about 2,000.

- Open it up, Pete, come on.

- This is before
Samsonite decided

to test luggage this way.

First, they tested humans.

- Why doesn't he pull?
- Panic.

- Oops, stage direction, sorry.

- Oh, Pete, pull, pull!

- Jeez, the last 2,000
feet is the quickest.

- I'll get a spatula
and a garbage bag.

- I'm okay.

Now we'll never have coffee.

- Well, at least
you won't have to

repack his chute.

- There's a cactus
up my [mock chokes]

- And this was his batch.

- Hey, from here it looked like
his chute didn't open.

- Just tell me
where the coffee is.

I'll make it myself.

- They thought of
scattering his remains

from an airplane but it seemed
a little insensitive.

- Least it wasn't me.

- Hey, where's Squishy?

- Oh, he landed on a bounce.

That's a two-stroke penalty.

- Oh, here's their spin doctor.

- Many people have
enjoyed sport parachuting

without dying.

- We'll start the scene here.

- So, Harry, I'm sorry.
but you'll have to stay closed

until I hear from
the main office.

- If we stay closed
too long, Mr. Morgan, we...

- We can't kill people.
- We'll lose our place.

- Well, I'll notify
you as soon as possible.

Good day.

- Thank you, Mr. Morgan.

- Fred Allen, ladies and
gentlemen, Fred Allen.

[motor sputters]

- Ooh, someone's
got a pantload.

- Way to kill
the customers, honey.

- Yeeks.

- Want to break up again?

Maybe that will cheer us up.

- It's your fault.

- Should we pick up the body?

- I'm scared.

- Guess there's no
need to be scared.

- Just got Uncle Sam
barking down our snorkel.

- It's not Morgan that
I'm scared about, it's...

- Well, what does scare you?

- Soda crackers.
I don't know why.

- I forgot my line,
let's trash this scene.

I'll be in my trailer.

- Okay, okay, whoa, whoa,
whoa, too sharp, whoa.

And, stop, okay.
We getting this? Keep those
cameras rolling, come on.

Beautiful, out of the car, yes.

Yes, turn do that
devilish curb step up.

Beautiful! Print it!

- Indoor skydiving.

- How solid is
a skydiving-based economy?

[bluesy music]

- Give me a double whiskey
I've got to pack my chute.

- Here's your Fox Deluxe.

- Ah, now we know
what fuels the movie.

- I asked the director
to give you a break.

- Here's a breath
mint, as a friend.

- That's the guy
who killed that guy.

Pushed him right
out of the plane.

- Try number 6A.

It's by Lipps, Inc.

- Lousy fuzz.

[bluesy guitar riffs]

♪ Jingle bell, jingle
bell, jingle bell rock ♪

- Ahh, the femmy fat-a-lee.

- Jeez,
Dylan Thomas was in here.

He didn't drink this much.

- Her dress is going
through the time tunnel.

- Catering by
Love's Pit Barbecue.

- Harry, I've got to
talk to you.

- She's extra smoky.

- Suzy, you're a broad.

Get lost.

- Oh, there's a sudden
flurry in the corner.

He can't get away.
This could be it, right there.

- Hey, nice interior.

- So, Saturday, then?

- ♪ Love's Pit Barbecue

♪ The best meat you
can eat, Love's ♪

[buzzing]

- Well, technically
I am a broad.

I got to give him that.

- She's got more
pancake than the IHOP.

Serving the tri-county area,

Love's Pit Barbecue.
Hooker, Barstow, and Needles.

Love's Pit Barbecues.

- From a sailing
adventure in Kuala Lumpur,

to a tawdry affair at Lake Mead,

Schlitz is there.

[dramatic orchestral music]

- She's wearing Huggies.

- Enjoy my armpit.

- Really cranking
the Rimsky-Korsakov.

[Russian-style orchestra music]

- Hey, hey!

[orchestra music intensifies]

- Hey!

[Russian-style orchestra music]

- Hey, hey!

- You know this lake has
artificial bass environment

written all over it.

- Now it's a scow!

The boat is a shapeshifter!

- Hold it, I sliced
my foot on a beer can.

- Frolicking has never
been so depressing.

- She's ruled down by contact.
No, she's up!

- It this were me,
I'd get prickly rash.

- Okay, do it quick.

Get it over with.

- Jim Carrey!

- Frankie, do
you still love me?

[fake coughing]

- Do you want your
job back, Frankie?

- Harry won't take me back.

- Harry will take you back.

- Dating Resusci Anne.

- Just as soon as
that old FAA man

lets him open up again.

- Oh, the Faa-man?

- For me.

- Yeah,
that Harry's a crazy man.

- Brainpan of a collie,
this one.

- Don't see eye to eye.

I might have to whup him again.

- I'm hungry for cupcakes.

I don't know why.

- Why do you suppose
Pete's chute didn't open?

- Target fixation.

Panic.

Guess he got the fever.

I almost got it once.

Just couldn't pull the ring.

Never felt that way before.

- Can I go home now?

- ...on my way to Heaven.

[Suzy laughs]

- Skydiver joke, I guess.

- I suppose that's why you
don't jump anymore, Frankie.

You're afraid
you'll go to Heaven,

and you won't find me there.

- We should set up
a time to meet in Heaven.

- She's got teeth
like a Ferengi.

- Whoa, lady. Wow.

- Suppose somebody put acid
in somebody's chute.

- I think it would go
something like this.

- That would be
the ultimate high.

- Acid would eat
holes in the chute.

- Yeah.

- What is that smell?

- A great, big,
terrible gust of wind

would make great
big holes in it.

- What is that?
Am I lying on something dead?

White Castle hamburgers?

- We could do that,
but it would be wrong.

- Yeah, but if
people ever found out.

- They'd know about it.

- Kiss me, Frank.

- Frankie, you're
kissing an anthill.

- Are we gonna have a baby now?

- I mean really
kiss me, Frankie.

- Okay, let me get
a running start.

Here I come.

- Moving past the uvula
we now visit the trachea.

- Wow, going through
a whole six-pack of Pepsi.

- Sorry, nothing.

- Suzy, what makes you so mean?

Your pa gave you
everything.

Nice T-Bird, speedboat,
beautiful ranch.

- A string of poloponies.
- Horses and cattle.

You've got everything
a girl needs.

- I got a pig when I was eight.
- And you got me, Suzy.

- You got a lot of hair
up your nose there.

- My pa.

He gave me everything.

He gave me too much.

- He gave me
Michael Landon's face.

- We were always
alone together.

He didn't think
I needed anybody else.

He followed me everywhere.
Everywhere.

- That's nice.
Can I have another Pepsi?

- Oh, Frankie,
let's not talk about it anymore.

Just kiss me.

- Moving down further
into the esophagus itself.

- What are you doing?
- Working for Cris Tel.

- Oh, taking down this wire.

Don't want the place to burn up
before it's paid for.

- All done.
- That was terrific.

- I guess.

- Due to my education
in industrial arts,

I knew my wife was
having an affair.

- Hi! I'm really not attracted
to your wife.

She's a regular orangutan.

So, what're you doing?

- Harry.

This deal the FAA handed you.

It's tough on you.
- Is your wife seeing
anyone now?

- Maybe I'd better look
around for another job.

Until you open up again.

- Yeah, well, I
don't know, Joe.

Maybe we'll open in a few days.

Who knows?

Anyway, stick around, relax.
Make yourself at home.

- Enjoy my wife.

- This is better
than Korea, isn't it?

- Guy's turning
into Woody Woodpecker.

[Woody Woodpecker laugh]

Oh, I hate him.

- Race you to the ladder.

- Two zips and we're naked.

- Manos.

The Hands of Fate.

- There's not an appealing
spot in this town.

- What if you put acid
in someone's toaster?

What if you soaked
someone's donut in acid?

- Joe Weider's Super
Gold Weight Gain, yep.

For the hard gainer.

- It's like Snuffy
Smith's prescription.

- It's Jackie Gleason's
"Music to Get Acid By."

[cheerful orchestral music]

Shall we begin?

- My breasts will
be right back.

- Right, I have to buy
your jock itch cream.

- I was looking
for something in a vitriol.

- May I have a little acid?

- Oh, Mr. Gower.

- Stand by for the 9:00 news.

- Well, I think,
will someone watch the,

I'm sure someone will
watch the counter.

Oh my, yes, oh there, oh.
Oh, yes.

[Mariachi-style music]

- Did they drive down
to old Tijuana?

- Ole.

- He's like an idiot savant,
minus the savant.

[mock surprised cries]

- Well, there must be
a large assortment of acids

from which to choose.

- What if she just comes
back with folic acid?

Or citric?

- No, Lupita.

- Ever since he went
to the barter system,

things have been great.

- Any impulse items?

♪ Sex for sundries is fun, hey

♪ Sex for sundries is fun

Everybody!
♪ Sex for sundries is fun, hey

♪ Sex for sundries
is fun, hey! ♪

- Well, the spirit
was willing anyway.

- So, nothing happened
between you and the...

- No, no, a simple
acid purchase.

- Well, it seemed
to take awhile...

- Well, there were
credit applications,

you know, things like that.

- Well, Frankie.
This is it.

- Yeah, what?

- Gotta be careful, Suzy.
Real careful.

- Are you gonna do it, Frankie?

Or am I gonna have to do it?

- I have to go to
the rat boy auditions.

- I haven't opened
up yet, Suzy.

- Jeez, you could use that face
to jimmy door locks.

- Jimmy Doorlocks.

- They will.

They'll be flying soon.

- I'll sleep with the
planes if I have to.

- Well, Frankie,
are you chicken?

- Let me see, am I a chicken?

Well, I don't have
a comb, or a gizzard,

but sometimes I do ingest gravel

to grind my food in my...

- Well, alright, Suzy, alright.

- Double-D Indemnity.

- They kiss like dolphins.

[mock dolphin cry]

- Honk honk! Hey, I kissed her.

Honk! Hey, everybody,
kissed her.

Morning! Kissed her.

Hey, morning!

- Been waiting the whole
movie for this scene.

- She looks like
a Munchkin from this angle.

♪ Merry old land of Oz

Sir, could you--
No, no, no, sir,

could you pull a little
closer to the pumps?

Oh, forget it.

- What's all the excitement?

- Just came
from Morgan's office.

FAA ran a check, we're clear.

- Ah, excitement.

- The old man will
send a formal notice.

- That is great.

- Oh, you know I'm a bleeder.

- Really like these
new hernia packs.

- Hey, Bob, you jumping first?

- No, Bernie's jumping
first, I'm following.

- You gonna watch?

- Hey, why don't you jump

and take pictures going down?

- Who do you think I
am, some kind of nut?

- No, we think you're
a hopeless Camera Club geek.

- Look over there,
it's the Dark Grandma of Death.

[mock fearful gasps]

- Oh look, Bill's
kissing my wife, and,

Hey!

- Are we in the
milky afterglow?

- Beth?

I thought they was
gonna both jump

using only one chute.

[mock indistinct talking]

- Now that is something.

- I heard you're all
gonna have a big night jump.

Is that right, Beth?
- That's right.

Bob, Bernie, myself, Harry,
the whole works.

Jim, we're gonna have
a big twist party

the night of the jump.

By golly that is something!

It sure is.

Twist, and then jump!

- Will there be
mashed potatoes?

- Oh, heavens we'd
better leave early.

I put the black curse
of Loki on them.

- Margaret Bourke-White
on the scene.

- Pure, bare naked plane,
without no markings.

Nude.

- Hey,
that your wife down there

kissing that blond guy?
They're goin' to town.

[mock airplane sputtering]

- Are we not men?

- You know, being
as roguish as I am,

I leave myself open to chicks

throwing acid in my chute.

- By the way,
anybody know who I am?

- Assume gawking position.

- We're poor, but clean.

[wind rushing]

- Say, Bill, does your
unit ever get windburn?

Chapped?

- Okay, double whip-out
at 4,000 feet, whoo!

- Looks really
uncomfortable, doesn't it?

- Ah, ah, Wally your
cheeks are flapping again.

Real bad this time.

- Carry me.

- Oh, they're getting bigger.

Or closer.

- What are you
doing, get off me!

- Help me out here, Roy.
- No, no, no, not here!

- Don't you think I'm cute?
- That's not the point.

No, not here, not now.

- I'm very
vulnerable right now,
I'm reaching out to you.

- Oh, no.
- Yes, yes.

- Hey, there, take
a look at that.

That's what you want, isn't it?
There's plenty more
where that came from.

- Wow.

- Catch me!

Missed.

- Well, look at that,
Abner planted
soybeans this year.

- Ah, look, the Swansons
are sunbathing nude again.

- Yeah, I'll just keep
looking at the soybeans.

[grandiose orchestral music]

- Wow, the music really
matches the action.

- Please say "The End."
Please, oh please, oh please.

- Oh, come on!
I thought someone was gonna die!

- Yeah, make with the death!
- Yeah.

- It's making a lot of noise.

- Your set includes
100 scale model men,

and a dog.

- Hi, kids, it's me!

Petey Plane! [silly laugh]

- I've got a cold,
but it's okay.

You know the Petey Plane song?

♪ It's Petey Plane,
it's Petey Plane ♪

- Ah, shut up and
taxi, Petey Plane.

- But the kids!
- Shut up.

- Send your postcards
to me, Petey Plane,

care of this station
[silly laugh]

- Petey saved us again, Joe.

- Come on, boys,
Petey's waiting for us

back at the hangar.

- God, Harry!

They look like big seagulls!

- Yeah, seagulls.

- You know, without Petey,
the whole town
could've been flooded.

- Where's Beth?

- Oh, she and Joe
went after the jumpers.

- Oh, I see.

- I took a picture
of my foot once.

- How's it look?
- Great!

My grade school
teacher couldn't have drawn
a better figure eight.

- Hey, Bernie, after work,
let's try that route again.

- Okay by me, you want
to hang on to my heels,
or should I hang on to yours?

- Your heels,
my heels, doesn't matter.

- We should try skydiving too.

- Why, thank you.
- Ba-boom.

- Joe, let go of her arm.

[mock gasps of surprise]
- What's eating you?

- I'll tell you
what's eating me.

You been paying too much
attention to Beth,

and I don't like it.
- Come on, let's have coffee.

- Harry, let's not have a...
- Coffee again.

- Let's forget it, Harry.
- It's you I love.

- Yeah, let's forget it.

- Our current Garbo.

- Finally, coffee!
Whoo-hoo!

- Look, a cheery picture

of Emily Bronte up on the wall.

- How high will she go, mister?

- Oh, 16,000 feet, maybe higher.

- When's the big jump?
My dad said I could watch.

- We're very unpopular, sir.

- We plan to jump
next Saturday night.

- Next Saturday
night here, mister?

- That's right.

- We'll be here.
- Wow.

- Okay, see you boys.
- Wow.

- You never should've
kissed me, Joe.

- It wasn't just a kiss.

- I know.

But I love my husband, Joe.

- And I've got a kegger.

- Maybe he doesn't
always act that way,

but I still love him,
good or bad.

- Would you like me to leave?
Is that it?

- No, you don't have to leave.

- Finish your coffee first.

- Friends?

- Romans, countrymen.
- Friends.

- Petey, the President
wants to talk to you.

- The President
wants to talk to me?

- Why, it's very
important, Petey.

- Oh, son.

When are they jumping?

Me and the family
drove a long way

to see them fools jump.

- We're not his family.
Help us!

- The fools.

They'll be jumping soon.

Just keep looking.

Right up there.

- How high do I look?

- Oh, about 3,000 feet.

- Can't you see I
love you, Ada-Annie?

- Hey, Bob!

You're gonna ride
piggyback, aren't you?

- We're gonna try it.

- Hey, now, Bob,
what are you gonna do?

You gonna grab me about here?
- Shh, shh!

- Okay, come on,
let's try it out.

- What are they doing?
- Gladys and Abner Kravitz.

- Why, looks like
they're wrestling.

- Wrestling?

- I think they're
leather boys, dear.

- Ha, ha, ha.

- Just get in.
Get in, don't talk.

- Hey, son.

- You think they'd
grab me about here?

- What in tarnation is
them fellas gonna do?

- Phil Rizzuto!

- Well, it's like this, mister.
- Yeah?

- They're gonna go up 5,000 feet

- 5,000, you say.

- And jump.

One guy's gonna grab
the other guy's legs,

and ride him down piggyback.

- Ride him down
piggyback, yeah, I like it!

- Let's take it to Broadway!
- Well, I'll declare.

- Well, hi, kids.
It's me, Petey.

Remember, don't pour acid
on other people's parachutes,

and learn how to jump
at a certified training center.

That's me, Petey!

- I'm Huck Finn, I tell you!

- Do you fly?

- All the time.
- That is so cool, man.

- He turns on, oh, wow.

- Petey's last flight.

- Uh, tell us when we're
over the drop zone, Petey.

- Roger, sir, and watch out

for the downdraft, okay?

- Someone got a vomit bag
that hasn't been used?

- Papa, they're jumping!

- Mein Papa is gut.
- [laughing]

- Not you again,
you're insatiable.

- Sure hope Petey makes it.

- I hope this is the acid jump.

[pastoral orchestral music]

[wind rushing]

- Just look at that sheen!

Wait until Servo sees this.

Nobody had to give me a car.

I can't wait to see
the look in his eyes

when I drive up in
this beauty and...

[airplane motor humming]

Ah, I'm sure it's nothing.
[whistles]

- Ah, unknown vehicle
on desk, please acknowledge.

Unknown vehicle on
desk, acknowledge, over.

- The hell?

- Car on desk acknowledge.

Vehicle not responding,

mandatory termination
procedure begun

in the name of God and country.

[distressed cries]

[machine gunfire]

[explosion]

- Ah, beautiful, beautiful.

Splash one, splash one,

look at that carnage.

Ha, ha, ha, oh,
what a great day.

Well, I'm gonna
swing around again

and confirm termination.

Ah, beginning run.

[airplane motor hums]

- Termination complete.

Acceptable losses.
Let's go home.

- [grunts] Damn you, Servo!

[upbeat music]

- There's gonna be a dance?
- Right and the jump
will be at 9:00.

- And a band?
- Sure.

- Jimmy Bryant.
- Who?

♪ It's not unusual

- Whoa!

[rock music]

- It's an episode!

- Somebody put
a tongue under his wallet!

- Les Paul.

- Hey, the big one's back.

There she is.

- She's wearing
a novelty terry top.

- You know, Mick Jagger
looks beefy

compared to these guys.

- Salute to no panty lines.

- They withheld all
the interesting people
till the end of the movie.

[guitar riffing]

- Hi, I'm Petey's dad.

With Petey off on
another adventure,

I'll keep my eye out
for communism.

- There she is again!

Look at her, look at her.

- I see.

- Mind if I cut in?

- She looks like Tom Boerwinkle

coming in to dance.

- Oh, oh, Mr. Kotter.

- This turned
into a John Waters film.

- I think that heroin
has hit this town

in a big way.

- No, please, don't!

My friends are all
right here, ow.

- George Herman Ruth on guitar.

- Come on, come on,
you want a piece of me?

Oh, you do.

Upsie, baby.

[car horn honks]

- I snuck out because
my parents are asleep.

- This is the last
time I take you on
your paper route.

- H.R. Haldeman on drums.

- I think it's this
town's passion play.

- Oh, sorry, don't
know my own strength.

Let me help you up.

- Oh, man.

Crow!

- Harry, let's go out
and join the party.

- No, let's stay
in the crawlspace.

- I don't feel like going
to a party tonight.

- Oh, killjoy.
- On A&E.

- Polonius!

- Put your arms around me
and kiss me, Harry.

- Or kiss me
smooth, either way.

- Oh, ish, girl stuff.

- It's kind of their trip
to Not-So-Bountiful.

- Filmed in Despairvision.

- Ah, the Laura Petrie
line of fashions.

- Bolt Clamskull.

[stereotypically
Asian-style guitar riff]

- Thank you.
That's good, that's
enough, thank you.

[Rockabilly-style music]

[humming]

- I assume Ike didn't
know this was going on.

- I have to confess
I didn't wear black socks.

Is that okay?
My underwear's not black either.

I hope that's okay.

- Sir, Rodeo Days is
down the road a bit.

- Whoo!

- Hey, a Scotsman
can handle any woman.

- Oh, no, the skydivers have
been laying their huge eggs.

- Which two are his?

- Suzy, you think we ought to?
- Yes.

- Didn't even call you a broad
and you hit me anyway.
It's not fair.

- She slept with a pharmacist
for some Sea Breeze?

- The juxtaposition of scenes,
it's just like "The Godfather."

- I'm Amon McTavish!

- The Scottish version
of "Fiddler on the Roof."

- Oh, shoot, it was perfume.

Well, that's still
pretty acidic.

- This here's the butt
of choice, right there.

- Yeah, it won the
Palme de Butt at Cannes.

- Cannes.

- It hurts to witness things.

- Have you found
the butt, folks?

It's the one with the dots!

- There it is.

- It smells like "Friction
Pour Le Bain" in here.

- Feel like trading chutes
just for the heck of it?

[excited cries]

- Well, I got a pin head,
so this fits me well.

[rhythm and blues music]

- Now she doesn't
need a helmet.

- Nancy Kerrigan.

- How about that Anita Ekberg,

you know I'd like to
jump out of her plane.

- She revolutionized
the breast.

- Hit her!

- Bill, you don't need
to gawk, we're married.

- Well, I'm spent.

[applause and cheering]

- Oh, must be
the Village People auditions.

- Ooo!

We applaud the concept
of flight! Yay!

- This isn't "The Right Stuff,"

It's just "Some Stuff."

- Which one of these
skydivers has the acid?

- The Gemini astronauts
approach the DC-3.

They pause to kiss.

They give it a light kiss,
and then get into the capsule.

- Bye, Bernie, bye, Mike!

Good luck!
Bye!

- Good luck, you're gonna die.
Good luck, you're gonna die.

- The Doublemint twins
are kissing them goodbye.

- Why is he carrying
an ostrich egg?

[heroic orchestral music]

- Boy, that last one
smelled like acid.

- What bonny jumpers you are!

- Pinocchio, why you
go onna de plane?

Oh, I'm Scottish, that's right.

- Goodbye, everyone,
and tell Petey I love him.

♪ We're so glad we had
this time together ♪

- It's a great
kettle o' googies.

- Can't get the door
closed here.

Does anyone know how
to get the latch?

I can't quite close the door.

- Meanwhile behind
German lines.

- The turning point
of the war came

when the DC-3 arrived.

- Sacre bleu! Bonjour.
Merde.

- We better not stay, Suzy.

- Going up to 16,000 feet.
- Yeah, that's the ticket.

- Jump.

Fall to 2,000

- Make it so.

[speaks German]

- The German army advances
north in a Cadillac.

- Yeah, they'll do that.
Yeah, they will.

- It's crowning.

- Hey, school's out! Whoo!

- They're popping out of there
like spiders out of an egg sack.

- Hey, wait, I jumped already!

- We've been waiting
the whole movie for a skydiving
scene and it's here.

- Oh, no, it's nighttime

They accidentally jumped
the wrong direction.

- 30 buffalo shots over Tokyo.

- This is fun.
I can see why $150 bucks
is a fair price to pay.

- Hey, I can see my
earth from up here.

- Hey, you guys
have death coming up

to play a chess game with you?

- Oh, what do you suppose
that big brown thing

rushing up to meet me is?

[makes thudding sound]

- Just want to get
something out of my purse.

Oh, my Kleenex!
- Oh, no!

- Why some kidder
put acid in my chute.

[laughs] You guys!

[horrified screams]

- Oh, it's the two-legged race.

Go!

- Must be hotcakes for sale.

♪ Oops there's goes

♪ Another skydiver,
kerplop, kerplop ♪

- Harry.

- Oh, so that's a pancreas.

Looks like an ear of corn.

- Up a little if you're
trying to resuscitate him.

- Now, this is a real
challenge for any band

to bring this party back up.

- And the crowd is fleeing
to Samuel Barber's
"Adagio for Strings."

- He's dead, quit making
such a federal case about it.

- Call the Deputy.

- I recommend a little session

on the ladder with me,
your new boyfriend, eh?

- Well, everyone,
there's plenty of
hors d'oeuvres.

- I saw Suzy and Frankie
leave the hangar.

She killed him.

- Nobody likes a tattletale.

- Is that Frankie and Suzy?

- Meanwhile
in the north of France.

- Oh, this must be
her first murder.

She should have
known to wear flats.

- I really like you.
Can I keep holding you?

- Hey, Vern, how's your chute?

- Acid.
- You're sure he's dead?

- I've seen some pretty
low down things in my life.

- This isn't one of them, but.

- Shirley Temple Black.

- What happened, Joe?

- Somebody put
acid in his chute.

- Do you know who did it?
- Maybe.

Take care of her, Lynn.
- Why don't they look?

- So, that's one
of them 747s, huh?

- I guess I've got
change for a five.
Why now?

- Yeah, check highway six.

[suspenseful orchestral music]

- I see here the
director's beginning

to lose control of the film.

It's typical of young directors,
too many good ideas.

Or in this case, none at all.

- I don't know, I still
like this movie better

than "Top Gun."
A lot better.

- Sounds like Petey
has a bladder infection.

- Now that Harry's
dead we get all the,

what do we get?

- I feel like a cheeseburger,
Will you go make love to the guy
at the Jack in the Box?

- Great, an inconspicuous
white T-Bird convertible.

- You know her job as
a kindergarten teacher

may be in jeopardy.

- Proceed carefully
into the chase.

- Hey, you folks know anything
about a jealous woman
and her stupid boyfriend?

Hey!

- Susan, don't hit me,
but we need gas.

- I just bet you
she smells like

Marlboros and Arpege
and Juicy Fruit
and body odor.

- This is a surprising twist
I didn't think it was them.

- So, I nailed the druggist
for no reason?

- Well, this film has
more parking spaces

than most movies.

- What if this was
at the theater with

"From Here to Eternity" and
your friend wanted to see that

but you insisted
on seeing this, huh?

- You wouldn't be
friends anymore.

- Release litter!

- Frankie had
a nice little gal there

in Mary Lou Parkinson, but no.

He had to go with
this hotsy totsy girl.

- Donald Nixon!

- Well, it's one of those cars.
I'll just start shooting.

- Pat Buchanan, with a gun.

- Oh, no!
- Normal.

- That's the ground, right?

- Drinks all around.

[dramatic orchestral music]

- I'd like a big steak,
like they got, yeah.

- Whether chasing
or being chased,

remember, drive defensively.

- We needed to get close enough

for the tranquilizer
dart to find its target.

- My teddy's riding up.

- Hey, sir! Your gas cap's off
and your coat's hanging out,

and your thing's dragging, hey!

- Where the hell
is my old fashioned?

- I see me a hippie.
Get your hair cut, hippie!

Not so groovy, is it?

- Well, crap,
I gotta shoot somebody.

- We saw you folks
in the vicinity,

so we're killing you.

- Aw, the happy
gunplay sequence.

- This was the lift this
town was looking for.

[cheerful orchestra music]

- Why are they playing
Smetana's "Ma Vlast"

in the back of this scene?

- Instead of
"The French Connection,"

they based this chase on
"the French Lieutenant's Woman."

- Chase scenes rarely
end with angled parking.

- Golly, better kill this guy
before the rain sets in.

- Hey, the cottonwoods
are in bloom.

- I'll be safe in
the land of lollypops.

- Did they move this
shoot to Ireland?

- Look: a Republican fantasy.

- Hurry! Switzerland
is just over the hill

and then 3,000 miles,
and then the ocean.

- Okay, I'm dying, jeez.

[intense orchestral music]

- Read him his rights.

- You're next.

- Well, I'm pretty
sure this is the guy

the cops were chasing.

[thunder claps]

- Yeah, there.
We do have frontier justice
in this town, right?

- Well, time
to backfill the case, boys.

- I regret nothing.

- Jeez, if only she'd
slept with the paramedics.

- Oh, ironic.

Because that one
guy really liked

that sort of plant.

- What a day.
Now they're getting rained on.

- Sometimes I wish the
rain would fall down

and wash all the me
out of this town.

- Can I get that coffee to go?

- Ooh, she needs
to spackle her neck pits.

- Beth.

I'd like to stay
around and help you

get the school on
its feet again.

If you'd like.

- I'd like to do that,
but I won't.

- Thanks, Joe,
but I don't think so.

- I have offers
to model for Fleet Farm.

- I was happy here
with Harry, but.

- I wouldn't be happy
here with you, God knows.

- Now that he's gone,

it would bring back too
many memories for me.

- Be leaving here
myself pretty soon.

- I need to get into my car.
- Thanks anyway.

- I need to get.
Can I get,

get into my car, can you--

- Good luck to you, Joe.
- A stranger comes to town,

touches nobody's life
and leaves.

- Well, I'm sure
I'll be getting

back through here sometime.
- That's okay.

- Did I have a brooding
intensity or anything?

- Not really, bye.
- All right.

- Goodbye, Petey.

Skipper, Proppy, Wing-Wing.

- Goodbye.
- Come back soon!

- We'll see you then.
- Nice to meet you!

- Her hair blossomed.

- I thought somebody would
show up for Harry's funeral.

Oh, well.

- Now I can do what
I really want to

which is, I'm not sure.

What color is my parachute?

- This was really a chick film.

- Kevin Casey died in a
mysterious parachute accident.

- Eric Tomlin died in
a mysterious parachute accident.

- Oh God, remember this scene?

This was great.

Silently, dismally,
the credits roll on.

- Well, to be honest

the test audiences weren't
thrilled with this guy.

- An actor called Bob? [laughs]

- As the carp-faced creature.

- Who will take me
to the big place?

[grunts and groans]

- Wow.

It's been a super hard day, huh?

Cut myself in half,

got all tangled in my jockstrap.

You strafed me!

- I overreacted, and I'm sorry.

- Aw, heck, Tom,
sun can't shine on the same
dog's ass every day.

And I've learned
you've gotta persevere.

Even this need not
be defeat, my friend.

Struggle with me
now, Tom! Struggle!

- Here I go!
Ahh, struggle, ahh, ahh.

Hi.
- Hi, guys.

Parachuting?

- Yep. Really
almost worked, too!

Now Crow is teaching
me to persevere.

- I see.
Well, you need any
help getting down?

- No, Mike, that would just

stunt our development,

and we'll just hang
here, and persevere

and one day soon,
we'll get down.

- Okey-dokey.
I'll just read a letter
then, if you don't mind.

I got a letter here
from Ben D. Martini.

- Ben!
- Ben D. Martini.

- I'll bet it's a dry letter.

- Yeah.
Put that on still store there.

"Dear MST3K gang,

You all do excellent work.
The show has to be the
funniest thing

to hit the airwaves
since 'CHiPs.'"

I love that show.
Remember Punch and Judy?

- It was Ponch.

- "I'm finally
getting out of college

and heading to a long, toilsome
life as an accountant.

If Tom, Crow, or Gypsy
need investment advice,

I'm not the one to come to."
- That's cute.

- "Hey, Nuveena, feel
free to warp in anytime."

- Thanks, Ben.
Thanks for bringing that up.

Well, that's that.
You sure you don't need
any help? Because...

- Absolutely no
problem here, Mike.
- Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

We're just gonna persevere.

I can feel myself getting
down even as we speak.

- Well, then I guess there's
really nothing for me to do

except do some more swing choir.
- Oh, no!

♪ Would you like to shine
in my beautiful balloon? ♪

♪ I know you would

- [whistles]
Hey, heads up, Frank!

- Ow!

- Come on, stay in
the circle, you puss.

- I'm sorry, Ow!

- Come on, Frank.
Oh, hi, Nelson.

Turns out Frank
here is a little puss.

So we're teaching
him a little lesson.

- Come on, Frank.
- Hey, when is it my turn?

- Frank, I keep winning,

and you're still a puss.

- What can I do?
- Ow, I call time out!

- Aw, baby. You puss.
Push the button, Frank.

Stay in the circle!

[music playing]

- I don't know,
I feel real free up there

in that high blue sky.