Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 7, Episode 8 - Code Name: Diamond Head - full transcript

THEME SONG: In thenot-too-distant future way

down in Deep 13, Dr.
Forrester and TV's Frank

were hatching an evil scheme.

They hired a temp by the nameof Mike, just a regular Joe

they didn't like.

Their experiment needed
a good test case,

so they conked him on the nogginand they shot him into space.

Get me down!

We'll send him cheesy movies
the worst we can find.

He'll have to sit
and watch them all,

and we'll monitor his mind.

Now keep in mind
Mike can't control

where the movies begin or end.

He'll try to keep his sanity,with the help of his robot

friends.

Robot Roll Call!
Cambot!

Show yourself!

Gypsy!
I'm not ready!

Tom Servo!

Hello there!

Crow!

That's one O.

If you're wondering how he eatsand breathes, and other science

facts, just repeat toyourself, "it's just a show.

I should really just relax forMystery Science Theater 3000!"

-Hey guys, hey,
get a load of this.

It says here there was ahouse in Saint Paul, Minnesota

that was knee-deep in garbage.

They had to use the bathtub
as a trash receptacle.

Can you believe that?

-Now that is pathetic.

You know, BenjaminFranklin had a great quote

about cleanliness.

Actually, I wrote it down.

It's around here somewhere.

-Say, do any of you
notice a weird smell?

-Hah!

He who smelt it, dealt it!

-He who denied it supplied it!

-Oh no, it's not
that kind of smell!

-Oh.
-Yeah, I know.

It's kind of a faint, soggy,rotting, melting, industrial,

grandma smell.

-Yeah, I smell it too.

-I wonder what it could be.

Hmm.

[all sniffing]

-Huh.

-What is it?

Kind of a Jean Nate
jock strap rotted thing?

-Meat vanilla catcher's
mitt squirrel--

-Horseradish Slim Jim croppy--

-Kind of thing?

Just vaguely?

Eh, maybe not.

-Ooh, uh, Dirty Boy andService Master are calling!

-Oh, I got it!

-Ugh.

-Mike!

Yuck!

Icky!

Look at you.

You're living in your own filth.

Eugh.

You don't see us
doing that, do you?

Why-- Why, see how
clean Frank is?

-Thank you, Clay.

And you're very clean also.

And you smell wonderful.

-Well, Frank, as you know,I bathe myself thoroughly

whenever I get the chance.

-Well, I make the time to scrubmyself six times every day.

-Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm constantly
digging under my nails,

between my toes,
and behind my ears.

-I soak myself for three
hours after every meal.

-I've basically been inthe shower since Tuesday.

-And you stopped.

And the slime and
the dirt just oozes--

-Oh, you're a fine one to talk!

You with your clammy body!-Clammy?

I'm-- You're clammy!

-You're King Clammy!

-You're clammy!
BOTH YELLING: Clammy!

Clammy!
Clammy!

Clammy!
Clammy!

Clammy!
Clammy!

Clammy!
-Ha ha ha ha!

You know, guys, I think wethe Mads a hearty thanks!

It did get a little out
of hand up here, eh?

-Another load heads
toward the sun.

-Yeah, it's fun to clean.

And you know, look at all thegreat stuff we're finding, too.

-Look at that.
-Hey!

Hey, that my mother!

Well, still.

Everything's got to go.

Bye Mom!

-Another load heads
toward the sun.

-OK.

Let's take a look at
a job well done, eh?

Cambot, give me
rocket number nine.

-Ahh.

Hey, again, thanks for
the gentle hint, guys.

-Whoa!
Whoa!

That thing's still moving!

[yelling]

-I see a germ!

-I see a disgusting worm on you!

-Anyway, Mike.

First up, "A Day at the Fair."

Then we have "Code
Name: Diamond Head."

Push the button, Frank.

-Forget it!

-Push the button!

-I'm not done washing!

-Oh, I'll get it.

-Oh, you would do that.

[gargling]

-OK.
There.

That makes us feel a
whole lot better, huh?

-Yes, and it brightens
the place up.

[buzzing]

-Oh!

I'll stay.You guys have a movie to watch.

Go!
Go!

Go!

Go!

-Goody. "A Day at the Fair."

-Ooh.

Hey, I didn't finish

NARRATOR: This is
the fairground,

where the fair is held.

-Any questions so far?

NARRATOR: Every year
about this time, this

becomes a place of
work and excitement.

-And romance, and intrigue!

NARRATOR: They're gettingready to hold the fair.

-These plucky Kiwanis
stand to make a bundle.

NARRATOR: Here, the
fun of the fair--

-Ooh, my foot foot!NARRATOR: --is in the making.

-Ooh!

NARRATOR: All the
shows and rides

and make-believe of the midway.

-Ugh, Freddy Krueger.

NARRATOR: Here too,
from far and near,

farm folks are bringing inthe products of the harvest,

the choicest of their animals.

-Their dates.

NARRATOR: The
finest of the things

that are grown on the farms.

-Thank you, thank you.

Couldn't have done it
without old Ed here.

NARRATOR: Here, at
the Olson's farm--

-Pain is everywhere.

NARRATOR: --ready
for the fair too.

-He raises Dead End Kids!

NARRATOR: Into the truck
goes one of the calves

that Johnny Olson has raised.

-Tell us what they've
won, Johnny Olson!

NARRATOR: --boys is takinghis finest calf to the fair.

This is Johnny--

-The mean one.

NARRATOR: --his
bigger brother, Bob.

-They need Rogaine.

NARRATOR: Sister
Anne is going, too.

-Let me out!

NARRATOR: She's
taking her four pigs.

-Hitler's Death Car!

NARRATOR: Mrs. Olson
is ready to start,

but first she must see what Mr.Olson is taking to the fair.

-Oh, not your gallstones, Henry.

NARRATOR: It's a sample of hiscorn, the very finest ears.

-And the small of his
neck is nice, too.

NARRATOR: Everyone ready?

-No.

NARRATOR: It's time to go.

-No one can explain
why Father is 85.

NARRATOR: And now they're off.-Vroom.

NARRATOR: With their corn,their pigs, and their calves.

-Whee.

NARRATOR: To have a day ofwork and of fun at the fair.

-Pa, slow down, you're doing 15!

-There's no one driving!

It's a phantom truck!

-Whoo!

NARRATOR: Here, in the bigcattle barn on the fairground,

folks are at work early,
tending and grooming.

-Thank god methane rises.

NARRATOR: Bob and Johnny
are there early too.

They're getting theircalves ready for the show.

-Did Donna do this rinse?

NARRATOR: They comb andbrush the calves' coats--

-[grunting]

NARRATOR: --untilthey're smooth and sleek.

-It's head's gone, stop rubbing.

NARRATOR: The boys want thecalves to look their best.

-You want bangs this time?

Let's go with bangs, honey.

This will be so nice.

NARRATOR: Over here, Anneis busy grooming her pig.

-Dad heads for the
caning exhibit.

NARRATOR: She powders them allover to make them look whiter.

--[snorting] [SINGING] Asprinkle a day keeps odor away.

NARRATOR: See howspotlessly clean they are.

-Which makes them so attractive.

-Who cares?

They're pigs.

NARRATOR: But now, there's
time to go sight-seeing.

Johnny goes first,
to see the fish.

-[DUMB VOICE] I like fish.

NARRATOR: Say, these bass wouldmake good fishing, if only

they were in the
creek back home.

-Well see, they were in thecreek, but they've been caught,

and that's why they're here.

NARRATOR: At the
4-H club show, Anne

stops to see the model rooms.-It's the grandma look.

NARRATOR: These have beenmade by the 4-H club girls.

-[GRUNTING VOICE]
Ah, look at that.

NARRATOR: Brother Bob isinterested in the butterfly

collection.
-Too interested.

NARRATOR: Here's a beautifulcase of butterflies and moths.

This is one of the many exhibitsmade by the 4-H club boys.

-Later, these moths turn upin the mouth of Bob's victims.

NARRATOR: Anne and
her mother like

to see the home canning show.

Here are rows of fine cannedfruits and vegetables.

But Anne thinks her mother'scanning is just as nice.

-Pickles pack the stands
for the Pickle Races!

NARRATOR: What's this?

-Evil!NARRATOR: Homemade cakes.

-Thank you Mrs. Khrushchev.

NARRATOR: The judge is decidingwhich one of them is best.

-Eh, this is good enough

NARRATOR: First,
she feels the cake.

-Then she rubs it into her hair.NARRATOR: Then she tastes it.

-What the hell is this?

Judging cakes ought to be fun.

-But this woman sucks
the joy out of it.

NARRATOR: Here,
in the grain show,

Mr. Olson is watching
while the judge decides

which farmer has the best corn.

-I'll pay ya.

Come on, pick mine.

NARRATOR: The judge feels theweight and shape of the ears.

-It's all done behind
protective chicken wire.

NARRATOR: Then, he looks at theevenness of the rows of grain--

-Yes.

NARRATOR: --and the sizeand shape of the kernels.

-Oh my, yes.

Yes, nice, oh.

NARRATOR: But surely none ofthe corn is quite as fine as Mr.

Olson's.

-Don't tell your mother
we've been here, son.

NARRATOR: It's time for lunch.

-Let's go eat something great.

NARRATOR: Most of the
visitors at the fair

have a quick bite at
one of the lunch stands.

-I'm lost.

Mother!

NARRATOR: And my
foot-long hot dog

looks mighty good to these boys.

-Watch the boy on the left.

His heart's about to explode!

Wait!

NARRATOR: But here at
the 4-H club camp--

-Is good, ya?

NARRATOR: --where many
of the farm boys eat,

they get fried chicken
with all the trimmings.

-What, tinsel?

Little lights?

-This is an actual
4-H feeding frenzy!

NARRATOR: Other fairgoerslike to picnic on the grass,

like this.

-Grazing in the grass is agas, baby, can you dig it?

-Next up, freaks of nature!

NARRATOR: Bob still
has lots to see.

This is a jet plane.

-Where's the corn go?

NARRATOR: Wonder what it
would be like to fly it?

-Over Cambodia,
secretly maintaining

plausible deniability.

NARRATOR: Here is a tractor.

It's much like the
one Bob's father has.

-Except this one doesn't havefather's arm stuck in it.

NARRATOR: He knows how
to drive this all right.

-OK, I'm a half a mile to theinterstate and I'm outta here!

NARRATOR: Say,
listen to the band.

It's time for the parade!

-It's the Girl Corps, 100magnificently trained girls!

-[SINGING IN HIGH VOICE] Herewe are now, entertain us.

I feel stupid, and contagious.

-Admiral Halsey joins the fun.

The family of shame.

Captured pilots are paraded
before the citizens.

-Women are excited byseeing the word "member."

-[IN HIGH VOICE] Oh, my!

NARRATOR: The parade is put
on by the farmers' clubs

from all over the state.

-Scientists aren't sure
what this represents.

NARRATOR: This float was madeup by one of the 4-H clubs.

-In about two minutes.

NARRATOR: Now at the grandstand,
the races are beginning.

-Get the car, there's
carrots in the car!

-Carrots?
I love carrots.

NARRATOR: And here come theracers down the track and away.

-A wheel slices into the
crowd, killing three.

-Aiyee!

-Still, nothing measures
up to those bats, huh?

NARRATOR: Here they come,up the back stretch.

-I gotta go, I gotta
go, I really gotta go.

NARRATOR: And Bob gets
there just in time.

They're into the curve.

-And they're into jazz.

-Come on, you trunk of dog food!

I've got a year's
allowance on ya!

NARRATOR: They're going
into the home stretch.

-Oh, hey guys, wait up.

NARRATOR: And here they
come across the finish.

The race is over.

-And the Oak Ridge
Boys take the stage.

-[mumbled singing]

-Dad, I owe Big Lenny 42 large.

NARRATOR: Now it's
time for the calf show.

Bob and Johnny are puttingthe finishing touches

on their calves.

-Adding hooker
headers and decals.

NARRATOR: Johnny
polishes up the horns--

-[making squeaking noises]

NARRATOR: And father,
of course, stands by.

-Doing nothing.

NARRATOR: Now the
boys take their calves

to the arena, where
the show is beginning.

-First is the evening
gown competition.

-We have some tape of thecows playing on the beach

earlier this week.

NARRATOR: Into the
big, shadowy arena,

many other boys and girlsare leading their calves.

Here come Bob and Johnny.

-What?
I'm not sweating.

NARRATOR: They take theirplaces in a long line.

-What losers!

NARRATOR: And the
judge is to choose

which among all these
calves is the best.

-But all the calves
are winners, really.

It's just great that
they got involved!

NARRATOR: Bob and Johnnyhope he'll choose theirs.

-Whoop!
Hey, that's my scar.

NARRATOR: Up here, the
folks are looking on.

-Let's get busy
in the car, honey.

NARRATOR: Now the judge
is coming down the line.

He looks at each calfclosely with a practiced eye,

and quickly sees the best
and the weakest point.

-He is all-knowing and wise.

NARRATOR: Now he orders
the doubtful calves out

of the show.

-The Masked Avenger
cow is eliminated.

-I hate these cattle calls.

NARRATOR: Too bad.

Bob loses out.

-Bob hates himself.

NARRATOR: But what about Johnny?

He's still in line.

And now the judge wants tosee his calf in the open.

-He realizes he had notknown cow until this day.

NARRATOR: He looks atJohnny's calf very carefully.

-He feels a stirring.

NARRATOR: What's this?

Here's Johnny back in line.

Well, it looks like
he has a winner.

-Men are fools, dear.

Remember that.

NARRATOR: Now the
judge is picking out

the champion of them all.

-I am the greatest!

NARRATOR: It takes careful workto choose the calf with just

the right size, and build,and weight, and firmness.

-And overall panache!

NARRATOR: One by one, the
judge ranks the calves

and sends them back to theirproper places in the line.

-Life goes on, dull as before.

NARRATOR: At last,
the choice is made.

-But he won't tell anyone!

It's so frustrating.

NARRATOR: The
judge's work is done.

He has picked the winners.

-Quite a coup, gettingClarence Darrow to judge.

-And the crowd goes wild.

-[DULLY] Yay.

NARRATOR: Well, the champion'sblue ribbon goes to a girl.

-The cows are furious!

NARRATOR: Johnny
gets a ribbon, too.

-Yeah, thanks.NARRATOR: His calf is a winner.

-Oh, look at this, I
got a stinkin' ribbon.

NARRATOR: Now the day's workis over, and it's time for fun.

-So they leave the fair.

NARRATOR: The
gates to the midway

open on 100 ways of having fun.

-Or you can just get hammered.

NARRATOR: There are showsand games of every kind.

And, best of all, a thrillingride on the giant Ferris wheel.

-It's the Man in
the Hat exhibit!

-Musty carnies,
drunk by 10:00 AM!

NARRATOR: Here they go,
quickly into the seat,

with the bar fastened tightto keep them in safely.

-Goodbye, Susan.

If anything should
happen, I love you.

I love you too, Petey.

NARRATOR: And now
the wheel turns.

Up, up, high in the air.

And this is how it seems toride the big Ferris wheel.

-It's this disappointing.

-The director got Artie here!

-[SINGING] Love roller coaster!

-Well, Ferris wheel.

NARRATOR: And now for
a ride on The Whip.

-[vomiting sounds]

NARRATOR: This is how itseems to ride on the swooping,

whirling Whip.

-This is how it seems
to be thrown clear

as the cables snap.

NARRATOR: Too soon,
the rides are over.

-The lawsuits begin.

NARRATOR: And too soon, all
the fun comes to an end.

-[singing incomprehensibly]

NARRATOR: But our
friends are very happy.

They've had a wonderful
day at the fair.

-You spent your nickel!

We're done!

-Ah!

Tonight on Generic TV Movie.

[theme music playing]

-Hey, watch out for my bike!

-Hey, I cracked their code.

I'm pretty sure it's
called "Diamond Head."

-Code Name-- Cubic
Zirconium Head.

-Quinn Martin consideredthis is most personal film.

-Mm, father what a waste.

-Is he our action hero?

-I want to see Don Ho!

-Ward, dear, would you seewhat little Elvis is up to?

-Ah, a little Maui Wowie
to start things off.

-Hey, that's no priest!

That's Lovejoy!

-Rosie O'Donnell
in "The Gauntlet."

-I want a picture of Lovejoy.

-Susan, you sit next to Lovejoy.

-Martin Short.

-I see my latest exhibitmeets with your approval.

-Apparently Jack Lorde doesn't
even like it here, huh?

-Taking a Greyhound toHawaii wasn't a good idea.

-Ah, Mr. Jesus.

You have a nasty
habit of surviving.

-That's mine.

I think that's mine.

-That one?
-Yeah.

-Ah, the gripping
luggage sequence.

I'm not going to tell
you what happens.

I'm just going to say--someone's luggage gets lost!

-Ah, Mr. Handbag.

Once again, I see that youare not on the carousel yet.

-They'd better not lose mySaint Peter's finger bone.

-He looks like he just
got out of gym class.

-That guy's a sinner.

They're all sinners.

CUSTOMS OFFICER [OFFSCREEN]:
Anything to declare?

-I declare my genius!

CUSTOMS OFFICER[OFFSCREEN]: Thank you, sir.

-Hey, that guy!

What was he in?

-Yeah!
Uh, um.

-Was that guy in?

-Well, hello.

Nomine Patris.

Heh.

-Anything to declare, sir?

-I'm Lovejoy.
Oops!

-Not unless you wish
to make a donation.

I'm on a fundraising tourof your lovely island.

-Yeah.

Anything to declare?

-Maybe next time.

Good luck.

-Thank you.

-Kisses!

-Enjoy the cocaine, father!

LOUDSPEAKER: Luggage
for flight 05, Chicago--

-Take over for me, will you?

-You make a weak Lovejoy.

-Dammit, security guard!

This is not your personal war!

-Uh, yeah, Vatican?

I just met one of your priests.

Real nice guy.

Thanks.

-This is for Aunt Mary.

-[OLD LADY VOICE]
What do you want?

I was about to have
my fruit cocktail.

And now I've got to getoff the couch, walk over--

-Hi, I'm Jeanie at DeVry.

-Hey, anybody here
know an Aunt Mary?

-Forbin Project,
how can we help you?

-Go ahead, you're clear tosend message to Aunt Mary.

-Code Two.

Tree may be in Paradise.

-What the hell does that mean?

Over.

-On surveillance.
-Roger.

Message received.

-What is the nature
of the priest?

Over.

-I should call Aunt
Mary more often.

-Sure?

Ah, I'm just waiting
for my sister.

Can I help you?

What are you doing?

-This is a job for Regular Guy!

-What the hell was I in?

I know I know me.

Thanks.

-I'm ODing on intrigue!

-Who needs to go
coconuts a little?

-This is no good.

Why are you dropping me here?

Oh, that's right.

I'm a priest!

-They are really exploiting
the island locations.

-Code Name-- Gran Torino.

-This guy screams
Ford administration.

-How many of these crappyHawaiian pesos you want there?

-It's American.

-Someone should make
love to this man.

-Well, you only rent holy water.

-I'll just get a bulletinand tell Mom I went.

-It was just a whim
to follow that guy,

and now I'm going to
get in trouble at work.

-Hello?I'm no longer at La Brea 772.

I'm no longer at La Brea 772.
-Ha!

Come back to AT&T!

-Where are you friends
and family now?

-Well, we finally got
those horrible paintings

off the ceiling.

You know, the Angelos
were here and they

love that sort of thing.

But there's this wonderfulnatural brick underneath.

-Whip this congregation
into shape.

-Lovejoy's a hangin' priest.

-And you're certain
nobody saw you?

-I came in through
the side door.

-This is why I dislike
organized religion.

-Vatican II-- The
Final Reckoning.

-Shame you broke my cover.

Now I won't be able to
give you my blessing.

-Go in peace and live no more.

-The bells of St. Murder!

-Die in my bell.

-Hey, you trying to
give me the high hat?

Ed Asner on ukulele.

-He's got a sandwich.

-That's the smallest pool
table I've ever seen!

-Or the biggest woman.

-Somebody told me I had thepersonality of one of these,

so I'm curious.

-It looks like he's got about,oh, $0.15 in his pocket there!

-Play pool the Pat Boone way.

-Ah, the patented banial waist.

Yes.

No visible panty line.

I can name that crotch in--

-I say the six ball
in the corner there.

-100 says you don't
even come close.

-Make it a deuce, and I'llshave it any way you want.

-You've got it.
-Brando!

-Brando!
-Hey, Johnny.

Isn't there anything
you won't bet on?

-Yeah, marriage.

No percentage.

-That's the stupidest
bet I've ever seen!

No checks.

-And none of that
Hawaiian wampum buck.

-Oh, great.

Here comes my mom.

-Aloha, folks.

Nothing to see here.

Keep it moving.

Aloha.

All right, we're looking
for a Mr. Quinn Martin.

Quinn?

Martin?

-Yeah, we found your
dog on the highway.

-Johnny Paul?

-Yeah?

-You're under arrest.

-For what?

-A&B aggravated on the personof one Harper Conyers Junior.

-Harper Conyers
Junior, the welsher.

-You believe this, Steve?

-Had a frank and open discussionabout his personal finances.

All right?

The charges were
dropped a month ago.

I was told to bring
you in, period.

-Paragraph.

-Eh, all right.

I'm all yours.

Marie, keep the party
going, huh baby?

-She'll look like a game of ringtoss before the night's over!

-Eight ball, corner pocket.

-Hey, you wrecked the game!

-Roy Thinnes is locked
outside for life.

-Mr. Woodman!

-Look Kotter, I
don't like your kids.

-[SINGING] Ah, ah, ah, ah,stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

-He looks like he belongson the Ben Hogan tour.

-Aunt Mary.

I could have found you
without this escort.

-I needed you fast.

Besides, it's good
for your image.

-So is the luau I was having.

-Well, I could have
been pruning roses.

Now, there's a time and
there's a place for fun

and games, Johnny.

-And I was stir frying.

-I guess that's why youcashiered me out of the Navy

and stuck me into this
assignment in paradise.

-I know my people.

Besides, with threegenerations of Annapolis blood

in your veins, I knew you
wouldn't turn me down.

-OK, enough back story.

-Well next time use a
telephone, will you?

-Telephones can be tapped.

This place can't.

-Trouble, huh?

-I need the first team.

Do you know this man?

Sean Donovan

-Lovejoy, huh.

Hey, I can't pay this tab!

-One of the best, untilhe went freelance and sold

out his whole
network, 28 agents.

This was in 1973.

A year ago, he was spotted
by a stringer in Manila.

New identity, code name Tree.

-He should branch out.

-Tree?

Here in Honolulu?

-I had a call this morningfrom one of men at the airport.

Before I could get
back to him, he

was found hanging from
a rope in a church.

-Was he well hanged?

-Well, the Navy's workingon a new magnetic torpedo

at Kaneohe.

-Project Magnotorp.

-The lab is working
on a 21st century

chemical explosive
out at Makapu'u

Maca-poco-diki-baka.

-The Korean ambassador is
due sometime this week.

They're loading a new Phoenixmissile on the aircraft

carrier, and we've just
opened a new top-secret

telecommunications center forthe entire Pacific intelligence

command.-It's not top-secret now, jerk.

---one of those reasons
or something else.

-Donovan has used at least12 different identities.

He's a master.

But he likes ladies
and he likes gambling--

-Pervert.
---in that order.

I want you to find him, findout why he's here, and stop him.

I'll give you all
the people you want.

-Ah.

Zulu and Tso-Tsing.

That's all I need.
-Oh, and Bernie.

-Are you certain your
gambler cover is clean?

-Stop yelling!

-Well it better be.

Because if you know about Tree,Tree knows about Diamond Head.

-Aunt Mary, stop yelling!

Shut up, Aunt Mary.

-I give you 20-1 odds
I find him first.

-That Loudon Wainwright.

Ha!

What a-- Hey, do you mind?

I'm reading here.

What's that smell?

Do you have to breathe on me?

-Shut up!

-Jeez.

Oh wait, I want to
read Hugh Sidey.

-All right, that's
it little boy.

Come on, come on.

We are going to dance.
-Hey, hey hey!

Guys, guys!

Come on!

Be nice.

Is it so hard to be nice?

-Yes.
-God.

You know, you guys shouldn'topen these pop cans

if you're not going
to finish them.

OK?
All right.

Now be nice.

I'll see you.

-Sure, thanks Mike.

Good advice.

Dope.

-If you ask me, Mike wouldbe a little more interesting

if he weren't so nice.

WOMAN'S VOICE: Oh, is that so?

-Magic voice!

WOMAN'S VOICE:
Seems to me you two

don't appreciate Mike
the way you should.

That's why Cambot, through themagic of his advanced computer

technology, has put together alittle presentation to give you

a little peek of
what it would be

like to be around someonewho wasn't so nice.

Watch the monitors.
-Ha ha ha.

Look at that, Servo.

I'd like to learn
that magic trick.

-That's fun, huh?

-I suppose you thinkyou're being a smart aleck,

don't you mister?

Well, you let me
tell you something.

I'll wipe that smile
right off your face.

-I was just--

-"I was just!"

Shut your pie hole.

I know a thing or two
about a thing or two.

I'm not going to take
any lip from you,

I'll tell you that right now.-But we didn't--

-"We didn't!"

-Ow!

-You shut your pie hole.

-"Ow, ow, don't hit
me, don't hit me."

I'm not the raise any sissies.

I'll tell you that right now.

I know a thing or two
about a thing or two.

You guys got it
easy around here,

I'll tell you that right now.

Look at this.

Who opened this pop?

-Uh--

-Is this pop done?

-No.

-Is this pop done?
Look at that.

Look at that pop.
Is that done?

You finish this pop.

What about you?

Look at this.

Did you put this pop down here?

Look at that.

Is that done?

That's not done.

That's a done pop, OK?

[both sobbing]

-OK, Cambot, we've seen enough.

-Turn it off, turn it off!

-You guys done with
these magazines?

[both scream]

-Wow, all right.

Uh, OK if I finish your soda?

Mm.

[theme music playing]

JOHNNY PAUL [OFFSCREEN]:
That's right, Father.

-What?

-Honolulu's the
fastest-growing--

-Who?
-Is it you?

-Are you the nice one?

-What do you mean?

-I liked it better
when the clipper just

flew in once a week.

I remember the day
when there were just

two hotels on Waikiki.

-Yeah.

-Code Name-- Receding.

-Paradise sacrificed
to progress.

Only three people
living in the rectory?

-Yes, it's myself,Father Wong, and Miss Ho.

-Oh, your ho.

-She's over 70.

She's been myhousekeeper for 16 years.

-She's still hot.

-Any visitors?

Well, apart from the poor
soul who died up there.

-Sanctuary!

-That was terrible.

That was just terrible.

-Sorry, corned beef.
Blugh.

-Oh, yes.

There was a Father Horton,
a Jesuit missionary.

He had to leave just afterhe'd been here for an hour.

He had some bad news
from home, he said.

He was a lovely man.

Lovely man.

-Did he have to travel alone?

-No, I did see the two
men who came for him.

They were old
parishioners, he said.

-Asians?

-Just one of them.

Twisted old limey.

-Well, this is a
very nice place.

I could see why families
would want to-- Waa!

-Whoa!

-Ooh, he's got a
Jackie Mason body.

[singing in hawaiian]

-The music is cool,
but the words!

Man. [whistles]

-[nonsense fast singing]

-This is a song all about
how he hates Jack Ward.

-Well, he's still got it.

-I remember when
we used to go out.

He was such fun.

-Wow, he's got
the hips for this.

-Pick-a-little, talk-a-little,

cheep, cheep, cheep, talka lot, pick a little more.

-Everybody!

-When's Dave Dalbano come out?

-Gabby Pahinui has
left the building.

-Hey, Johnny!

Want an autograph?

-No, why?

-I didn't know you could write.

Great job.
-Heavy?

-Heavy-ish.
-Mm, aren't they always?

Come on.

A couple of strangers in
town, back alley types.

One Caucasian, dark and wiry.

The other is Asian, I
think he's Japanese.

You've got to find
him, all right?

-Sure, can do.

-But listen, Zulu.

These guys are heavyweights.

So ask quiet, huh?

-Like a mouse?

-You are a delightful man.-Like a mouse, all right.

-A large mouse.

-I don't feel fresh, Johnny.

-[SINGING] Loving you.

[whistles]

-The lovely El
Hawaii condominiums.

-With off-street parking.

-Bellbottoms cleaned daily.

-Boy is this
authentic around here.

Golly.

-Yeah.-[IN HIGH VOICE] Hmm, let's see.

If I don't eat for a month--

-The world of Susie Wong, CPA.

-[IN HIGH VOICE] Hm, did
I want separate checks?

-Look, she's plucked
her forehead to death.

-[IN HIGH VOICE] Yeah, wellmy PhDs worth a hell of a lot.

-Zip.
Zip.

Zip.
Zip.

Zip.
Zip.

-[IN HIGH VOICE] Oh, my bonescame through my skin again.

Huh.

-Guess who?!

-Don't you ever knock?

-Mm-mm.

Spoils the fun.

-Yeah, fun.

Heh heh heh.

Fun.

-I think the fun
is already spoiled.

-Yep.

I've got to find this man fast.

-There he is!

-He might be working
for the same outfit

that nailed you in Bangkok.

-Don't start.

-You know how rough they play.

-Is this a bar where
nobody knows your name?

-OK, she leaves.

My line is-- Ah.

-So, uh, you guys hiringany bus help or anything?

Can I get a water
or some crackers?

---to me or how they did it.

-I never got my side of fries.

---my family.

All of them.

-I'm going to sit thisscene out if you don't mind.

-Are they talking
about the same thing?

-Why, Johnny?

Why us?

-Well, we'll always
have something or other.

-Every day, people
get shot down.

-Bo-wing.

-People get tortured
by professionals

who are paid by
so-called patriots.

-Like Marty Ingels.

-It's become fashionable
for presidents to lie,

diplomats to steal,
oil companies

to sponsor revolutions.

-Look, just take
your last paycheck.

I sorry, but you ate
out of the bus tub.

-Some people can
live with the taste.

I can't.

-[SINGING] We didn't
start the fire!

-Maybe I just like to
play with matches, huh?

-There's my smile!

-It looks like it
hurts to do that.

-As long as we don't
burn our fingers.

-We won't.
-Ow!

My fingers!

-Hey, she's wearing ooga horns!

-Well, where do we start?

-Well.

-Well, let's look
at my deductions.

-We don't know what
cover he's using.

It'll be British,
Irish, Australian--

-French, Italian,
poppy seed, hot ranch.

---hundred men that
fit that description.

-This one likes pretty ladies.

-Hmm.

You're getting warmer.

-Likes to gamble.

Your back room.

Roulette.

-How many words?

Sounds like--

-That's for members only,and well-heeled swingers.

-[SINGING] With an
awful lot of lettuce.

-Tso-Tsing, what I'm
trying to tell you

is that you're not going
to have to look hard.

If this guy is in Hawaii,he's going to find you.

-Oh, are they in Hawaii?

-Ohhh.

-I'm stuck in this position.

Help!

-Ciao.

-Puppy chow.

I'm so hungry.

-Actual Lovejoy footage.

-Oh, he's been

-Mrs. Bates wants her hair back.

-I've had a bitch of a day.

-It's either the
world's worst haircut

or the world's worst wig.

-Vatican t-shirts--
move with you.

-Gaddafi?

He's wearing a leisure uniform!

-Er, where's my picture?
Curtis LeMay.

Yeah, there it is.

There.

-The only South American juntaleader in the American Army.

-Robbie Robertson
on dress-up day.

-Damn, they gave me
clown white by mistake.

-[SINGING] I feel pretty.

-Now some red, red lipstickto bring out my teeth.

-Oh, no, sir.

Not Othello.

-I don't know why they wantedme to go undercover as Carol

Channing, but--

-Hey, what happened
to Ian McShane?

-Going as John Waters?

-Now, now he's
going as Rip Taylor.

-I'm a general, it's funny!

Hah!

-Not really a
perfectionist, is he?

-Now who's that guy?

Hoh, it's me, I'm kidding.

-Now I can take
tolls wherever I go.

-Admiral Sid Dithers.

-That's it, get out!

I don't want to talk aboutit, sir, just-- just get out!

Go!

Hey look, it's "and Tennille."

-You have brunch here?

-My name is Commander Yarnell.

Would you call Colonel
Millard Butler,

please, and tell
him that we're here?

-Certainly, sir.

-You see, nobody
knows what I'm in!

-Tell Commander Yarnell
I'll be right down.

-I'm dressed right
for the hot tub.

-Would you like this
apple-white shoulders?

There.

-Ohhh, they're stealing
his Blue Blockers.

There.
-Ah ha ha.

Lovejoy versus Lovejoy.

-Pose him picking his nose!
Heh heh.

-Wow.

Whoa, wow!
Hoh hoh.

Got to get some reading glasses.

-There.

I am the very model of
a modern major general.

-Not bad at all if
I do say so myself.

[snoring]

-Hi, Lovejoy!

-Colonel.

-Hey, it's Lovejoy.
-Welcome to Hawaii.

-Commander.

I always enjoy a vacation
from the Pentagon.

-Professor En-Ping
from the University--

-Peew!

-Professor, I hear you
and your colleagues

have got some surprises
for us up in Makapu'u.

-From what they tell me.

I hope we're the last
men on Earth to see it.

-Hey!
This is a TV movie!

Rip off!
Boo.

-You and your
chaperone will travel

to what is apparently Hawaii!

-Oliver Twist had more Hawaiianlocations than this movie.

-The Kentucky Cycle has
more Hawaii locations.

-Oh, the all-cat food store.

-Oh, I've got to pick up a canof tampons for my girlfriend.

-Do you have any canned items?

-Across the street, room 205.

Interpol did the rest.

-Just looking, thanks.

-Hikaru Sakai, a street
kamikaze from Tokyo.

He's a professional assassin.

The other guy is ErnestGraeber, once a contract hit man

for East German intelligence.

-Always a contract hit manfor East German intelligence.

-Calls Tahiti home now.

-Don't smell the bok choi.

-Very bad dudes.

-Where are they now?

-Staying with mom.

-Mama Chongs, eating steaks.-Well, the three regular team.

-If they show up,
honk twice, huh?

-Yeah, sure.

-Hey, hey!

You've got to pay
for the Sheeva!

-Where in the hell did I park?

-Lot of goofing off in
the undercover business.

-Shout.

Shout.

Let it all out!

-The Eiger Sanction had
more Hawaiian locations

than this movie.

It's the kookiest
surveillance ever!

Hoo-hoo!

-He promised Sid and
Nancy he'd stop by.

-He lives in Hawaii,
but somehow he

still has a furnished
room in St. Paul.

-I just have the urge
to clean this lock.

-Ooh, spidery hands.

-Gollum breaks
into an apartment.

[muffled]

-Ah, now the payoff.

Ah hah!

-Ergon Cable!

-Just here to drill through
your hardwood floors.

-Wow, that's a big-ass phone.

-This looks like
Daddy-O's apartments.

Except for the big-ass phone.

-Forget it, no way.

There's not a natural
fiber on that man.

-Maybe I'm gonna call
Sydney-- Australia!

-Take one of these now, andtake one after every phone call.

It doesn't do anything, but atleast he knows it's in there.

-This is the movie
poster right there!

Sold millions.

-Isn't that that guy
who was on that show?

What's those shows?

-Sort of a Cannon-y "McMillan
and Wife" type of thing?

-Rope had more Hawaiianlocations than this film!

He's wearing Mary
Tyler Moor's pantsuit.

-Well, he wants the match there.

I'll put it back.
It's kind of weird.

-It's Shirley Hemphill!

-[SINGING] At Bene,
at Beneficial.

[suspenseful music building]-Whoooo!

-Whoooo!

-Oh, what am I going to do?

I'm uncool!

[imitating suspenseful music]

-I put in a matchstick
and it's foolproof.

Saves on a costly alarm system.

-You smell high karate
something fierce.

-This thing is damp!

-Carmen Miranda's in there.

-Now back to the jaunty
Roy Thinnes theme!

-This is so almost Mitchell.

-It's about 50 pounds
short of Mitchell.

-So.

Any Bilakhia?

-Back to the
exciting tuna store!

-I planted a bug
where they'll be

sure to find it when they dotheir move on Tree, I hope.

You stay with them, huh?
-Right.

-And he's good at conveyingincomprehensible plot points.

-Well, it's been nice beinghere in downtown Fargo,

but I should be
getting back to Hawaii.

-This is too nice a place fora deadly game of cat and mouse.

-Aw, people got
to start buttoning

their shirts in this movie!

-Everything seems all right.-Trust the matchstick.

-One thing is sure.

We had a visitor.-Let's take this place apart.

-Let's put the ceiling
where the floor is.

-Daddy, let's get a
two-bedroom next time.

It's crowded in here.

-Are these your tap pants?

-I need to call Dad.

Been too long.

-Premature funk music.

-There's always been
a bug in here, right?

-Sakai.
-'S all right.

-There's a rattlesnake
in my phone!

-The new Cadillac
lease program--

a simple up-front
payment of $47,000.

-We can't have Van
Dykes in the Navy!

-It's the slacker Navy.

-See, I've written a lot
of checks to Davanni's.

-Go right in, sir.

-Got the Navy wrapped
around their fingers.

-Yeah, you jerks are
no better than me.

Glad I went through
boot camp for this.

Join the Navy and see the world!

Yeah, more like open gates!

-That's a security guard.

-Oh, sorry.

-Gee, they fenced
in the entire ocean.

-They're making a stop atthe lumber yard, I see!

-We need some
plywood and a thing

to roll the garden hose on.

-OK, do you have brunch?

-Why hello, Captain Stubing!

Merrill.

-Gentlemen.

You've already met
Professor En-Ping.

-Ping!

-Hello, Professor.

-Thank you, Sherman.

Dr. Yamamoto, this
is Colonel Butler.

-Not Lovejoy.

-A pleasure.

-What's with your moustache?

-This isn't the
Pentagon, Colonel,

but I think you'll
find this interesting.

-Oh, I'm sure I will.

Shall we begin?

-The beguine?

Ha!

Little-- never mind.

-For security
reasons, we maintain

our experimentallaboratory below sea level.

-Sure you do.

-Our test began with a rare conesnail called the cloth of gold.

-Holy cow are they
below sea level.

-On contact, its
microscopic needles

inject alkaloids, which paralyzethe central nervous system.

Instantaneous death.

-And it's so good with kids.

-We extracted the liquid
poison, vaporized it--

-Added some leather.

-The result was astounding.

[theme music playing]

-Hey Mike!

-Hey Mike!
-Mike!

Mike!
-Hey Mike, Mike.

-Let's play some Litho-Fungo.

-Yeah, come on!
Come on, come on!

-I'd really like
to, guys, but I've

got to finish
alphabetizing my CDs.

I'll see ya.

-Pbb.
Huh.

-Jeez.

I'd like to suggest
that Mike is less than a

fulfilling roommate, but I'mafraid Magic Voice will--

WOMAN'S VOICE: Thank you, Crow.I'm not finished with you yet.

Let's see what it would be likeif you lived with, oh, say,

a Crash Test Dummy!

-Brad Roberts?

-[mumbled singing]

-That voice!

-[mumbled singing]

-It hurts!

-[mumbled singing]

-That was close.

-Point taken, Magic Voice.

-All right.

Got the CDs alphabetized.

Who's for Yahtzee?

-Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes!

WOMAN'S VOICE: Movie
sign in three seconds.

Ha ha!

Just kidding.
-Whew!

[buzzing]

-[sobbing]

-Don't let go!
-Come on!

-No.
No.

---with unlimited
killing potential.

-Amazing biochemical
breakthrough.

Incredible.

But you must stop these tests.

We outlawed chemical
warfare eight years ago.

How much of this gold
cross have you made?

-Lots!

---with the underwater test.

We've destroyed the rest.

-Normal precautionary
measures, Colonel.

We can't have these experimentsfalling into strange hands.

Of course.
-Pssh.

Think I don't know that?

-May I see whatprecautions you've taken?

-And top thinking
that I'm Lovejoy.

-We maintain two safety checks.

-And that's about it.

-The gas is locked in
this compression chamber

and kept under pressure.

-Then your class ring
is buffed and polished.

-Oh, that's no good.

That'll ruin a planet.

Ha ha!

-Additionally, the vialitself is also pressurized.

-I mean, usually
it's pressurized.

-And we pay a high schoolkid to keep an eye on it.

-And your research?

-Still got two weeks
before the report's due.

-It's all been
recorded on tapes.

Formulas, chemical
compounds, every step

of the test from
the very beginning,

including the exact
amounts of the mixture.

-Well, when do we see
the underwater test?

-Colonel, surely
you've seen enough.

-Commander, your report
mentioned two tests.

Until I see both
of them, I'm not

authorized to give
a final judgement.

-I hate you.

-Very well, Colonel.

Gentlemen?

-We have to fumigate the
tank, store the toxin.

-We have to completely
redo the upstairs.

-Noon tomorrow?

-Hmm, I was going to
play golf, but no.

-I know they think
I'm Dennis Weaver.

You think I'm Dennis
Weaver too, don't you?

Yes, you do.
You do.

-[SINGING "THE GIRL FROM

-I hope he owns several
of those shirts.

-Hello there!

-I'd like to make a
person-to-person call

from that one guy
to that other guy.

-Maybe I should
introduce myself.

Maybe he'd like me.

RECEPTIONIST [OFFSCREEN]:Telephone for Colonel Butler.

Call for Colonel Butler.

-Or Lovejoy.

July

-It's hard to organize a
junta in Vacation Land.

-Colonel Butler speaking.

Thank you.

Give him his binky and
put him in his crib.

I don't know.

-There's something else.

-Nobody quite knows
where they've seen me.

-Whoever planted that
bug is an amateur.

-Wrong.

There's an American
in deep cover

here, code name Diamond Head.

And he's good.

He made it too easy for you.

-Meaning what?

-Meaning he expects
you to lead him to me.

You're being followed.

First, use Diamond Head's manand set up in the diving shop.

Contact our friend.

-Damn, I'm on speaker phone!

-Tell him to prepare thealternate escape route just

in case.

We go tomorrow as planned.

-What about this Diamond Head?

-He's looking for Tree.

He'll find him.

-How?

That's my job.

Tell Sakai to call me.

I'll do the rest.

-Hold it, turn.
Beautiful!

Perfect!

-Tonight!

One of these threecontestants will find out

where they've seen this guy!

-Tom Jones.

-Ah!

Look at that shirt!

-Move it, Normal Lear.

-Nickle!

-Butt-grabbing slacks.

-When you're proud of
your crack and it shows.

-Speed, starring Keanu Reeves.

-The FBI's going to
pay us all to surf?

-Oh, I better get to the
Banana Splits auditions.

-Jeanie?

-Ugh, he would have
to have trifocals.

-The hair is built into the hat!

[phone rings]

-Aw, it's probably Sherry.

She probably wants to talkabout the break up again.

-What can I doodly-do you for?

-I'll come up.

-Yes.

-Jeez, he needs some psst.
You know.

-Now where's that
skort outfit I packed?

-Wow!
Ooh-wa!

-You know, I tell you, Iget no respect, no respect.

-Oh, everybody wants
a piece of Lovejoy.

-Graeber said you wanted me.

-In the worst way.

There's a disco
called The Dragon

Lady, moored in Honolulu Harbor.

Be outside on the upper
deck at 2200 hours.

-Problems?

-I'll be posing
as that gentlemen.

-You?

-Basil Philips.

Very British, very obvious.

-Very fey.

-Oh, Sakai.

Take a good look.

I'd hate there to be a caseof mistaken identification.

-That could be fatal.

-We're taking a midnight stroll.

-To Georgia.

-If my instincts
are correct, I'll

be having company--
unwelcome company.

-I understand.

Oh, and Sakai?

-Turn down the bed, will you?

-No marks.

-No hits, no arrows.

-Nothing for the authorities.

-Sakai, if you walk
out that door--

-He's very raccoon-y.

-A good thing he uses
smudge-proof eyeliner.

-Ed Shaughnessy, Hawaiian-style.

-I'll salute to careful shaving.

-I don't know what it is orhow it's done, but I like it!

-San Diego chicken?

Oh.
-Hi.

Here for the Daniel
Inouye fund raiser.

-He's going to have a Montclairemoment any minute now.

Sir?

Vodka with one ice cube only.-You're in luck, buddy.

We have one.

-Dear bartender.
I like you.

Do you like me?

Check one.

-Ooh.

-Ooh.

-She's saran-wrapped.

-Would you give
this to Tso-Tsing.

-Sure, Mr. Lovejoy!

-Give everyone an
ice cube, on me!

-It's All-Annoying
Music Night down here.

-I hope someone else
is hearing that.

-Stomp, ladies and gentlemen!Stomp.

Stomp.
-Pshaw.

I could have done that.

-Mr. Phillips?

You asked to see me.

-Not wearing that I didn't.

-Your reputation
doesn't do you justice.

What's Archer pleasure?

-My pleasures are personal.

I never mix them with business.

-Duty and brains in the
same lovely package.

You know, your back room'salmost as famous as you are.

They say luck's a lady.

-Then she should be courted.

-Whoa!
Got a live one here.

Jackie?
-[ANNOYED] What?

There, feel better?

Be sure to come back.

I'm freezing you a
special ice cube!

-Yeah.

Uh, Northstar Ice?

Yeah, I need another ice cube.

Better make it four.

-Tso-Tsing wants you, pronto.

Go

-Ah, go fish.

-The house shows 10.

-Play these.

-Whoa, whoa! [clearing throat]

-You seem to do well here.

-How much is a four
worth, you know?

-I give my customers whatthey want-- the exotic Orient

and no overcharge.

-Anything else?

Information, for example?

-Information is like sex.

You can sell it 50 times
and you still own it.

-Heh, sex.

-An exchange, then.

You for Diamond Head.

-I don't understand.

Mm, good ice cube.

-Five years ago, an Americanintelligence agent in Bangkok

lost her cover.

Her family was
liquidated and she

was subject to the
usual brainwashing.

However, her people got her outand they relocated her here,

in Hawaii-- naturally,under an assumed identity.

-Is this your dessert menu?

-Tso-Tsing.

-Birthday prayer for
a special friend.

Hmm.

-Kate Jackson!

Ooh, the smart one.

-You have a saying--
all Asians look alike.

-That is so racist!

I-- oh.

Well, I wouldn't
bet my life on that.

-Woo-hoo!
I mean--

-There's a contract
out on this girl,

and there are certain
types here in Honolulu

who would enjoy collecting you.

-That's a weird
hat she's got on.

-Who is Diamond Head?

-You have made a mistake.

I do not know Su-La
or Diamond Head.

-He's got his own airbag.

-Racko!

-Pay 20.

-Tso-Tsing.

Anyone ever tell you
this is against the law?

-[coughing] Diamond Head!

[sneezing] Diamond Head!

-Uh, it seems I win.

-We are playing
for match stakes.

-Oh, blue tip.

Strike anywhere.

-Oh, congratulations.

-Basil Phillips.

-Johnny Paul.

-Friends call me Diamond Head.

-I should warn you-- Johnny
does this for a living.

-Oh, that pay good?

-What, you want
to chase him away?

-In retrospect, the luggageseems really fascinating.

-Oh, yeah.

-You look like a gambling
man, Mr. Phillips.

-Well, I, uh-- I take risks.

-I'm in this movie, aren't I?

-But only when I know theodds and the adversary.

-You make a game of chancesound like a battlefield.

-Oh, Lovejoy!

-When the stakes are high,that's exactly what it is.

-The Gospel according
to Napoleon.

-Spoken like a true fop.

-Spoken like a military man.

-I'm lost.

-Is this an action sequence?

-Actually, I'm into
the money game.

You know, real
estate investments,

that kind of thing.-[blabbering incoherently]

-Trying to get a
conversation going.

-But only when I know the odds.

-The house shows a queen.

-Stand.
-Play these.

-Blackjack.

The house wins.
-Correction.

You win.

-[SINGING] Savoir-Faire
is everywhere!

-It's been a, uh, pleasure Mr.---Paul.

-Diamond Hea-- uh, Paul.

-Mr. Paul.

-Do try the ice cubes.

If I, uh, hear of
any good investments,

I'll be sure to look you up.

-You do that.

-Is it just me, or
did nothing happen?

-That's one rotten poker player!

-He knows who I am.

And he knows who you are.

-And he knows who he is.

-Get Zulu here fast.

And you stay here,
wait for my call.

-She looks like Jiminy Cricket.

-Sir?

Sir, we're setting up in here.
Sir, could you--

-Oh man, I want
those bellbottoms.

-Action Ken Doll is there!

-Take a picture,
it lasts longer.

-You know, when this originallyaired, at this point everyone

had turned to Carter Country.

-Right, Zulu.

You had better come
over as fast as you can.

-Jenny Craig, put me in reverse!

-[singing jazzy theme]

-Asthmatic hit man.

-We need a table busked, Phil!

-Johnny!

-Fajita!

-Johnny!

-Maybe I overreacted!

-Johnny!

-What'd you do that for?

-Like a bird, like a
plane, like an idiot.

-Well.

-Hmm.

-Huh.

-One more minute and he gets hisadvanced beginner certificate.

-Come on, you guys
gotta see this.

-Just a little accident.

Everything's under control.

-Mai Tais on the house.
Come on.

-Aw.
Help!

I can't swim.

Help!

-[dolphin noises]

-Johnny, are you all right?

-Fortunately, polyester
washes up so nicely.

-I told you to stay put.

-Oh, it's my fault.

Tree used my to get to you.-What are you talking about is?

His man was waiting
up there long before.

It's Tree.

He's been ahead of us
every step of the way.

-What happened?

-Cyanic acid pack from up there.
-Uh-huh.

Got drunk and fell over, huh?

-You're lucky.

-It was the one called Sakai.

What about Graeber?

-I lost him.

He made a phone call atWaikiki, then evaporated.

-It's Tree again.

You've got to find those two.

They've got to have
a backup somewhere.

-You OK?

-No, I'm not.

But will you get moving?

-I'll bring you their
heads on a plate.

-What about me?
-You bring the sauce.

-You're out of it.

They broke your cover.

You've got to go home, lockyour door, and stay their.

Don't let anyone except me.

-How about you?

-They think I'm dead!

I've got an edge.

-Johnny, please?
-Yeah, I know.

Be careful.

-Actually no.

-[making shoe squishing noises]

-He kind of looks
like Squiggy now.

-Code name-- Diamond Head Cold!

-[sneezes]

-Captain!

I have an Aunt Mary Code Seven!

Line two.

It's on scramble.

-[HIGH VOICE] I'm not here!

-Johnny?
-Tree broke my cover.

-How?

-He knows who Tso-Tsing is.

He went for the
phone tap number,

took a big risk in
showing themselves.

He's ready to move.

-All right, I'll tighten upsecurity all over the island.

-Use the name Basil Phillips,
British I don't think

you'll turn anything up---Looks like Simon LeBon.

-Looks like Simon LeBon.
-Tomorrow.

Same time, same place.

-You.

[theme music playing]

-Sure.

What with all the poi.

-Code name Bobby Goldsboro here.

-[SINGING] Undercover
Asian, midnight fantasy.

-Augh!

Danny!

-Now, her whole family
gathered around the TV

to watch her on this show.

That was it.

-Ted Turner in "Frenzy."

-Go get help!

-I'm sorry, sir, I'll haveto check your pass again.

-I'm betting they filmed
this scene the same day

as the other scene.

Brilliant!

-They're doppelgangers.

Doppelcoppers.

-Thank you, Colonel.

-Hi, Mr. McCloud.

-Could I stand on that side
of the door for a while?

-Oh, we're so far down
we have the bends.

-Sorry we're running
a little late.

-Please push it, doctor.

The Army kids run
a tight schedule.

May I use your phone?

-Certainly.

Decompression
temperatures, doctor.

Do you have a readout
from the test yesterday?

Yes.

-Colonel, is that a local call?

-The barometric components
varied dramatically

from previous tests.
-Dialing.

-The expansion of the
biochemical reaction

was greater than
we had expected.

-Boy, I sure get
a lot of messages!

-Certainly the
compression factor

wend beyond our calculations.

-Yes honey, I'll
be here a while.

---contain the unexpectedaberrations of compression

and heat--

-Basically pretty
popular, you know.

-But I'm afraid some of
our electronic recording

instruments were not
adequately programmed.

-The Navy keeps ships in
commission a long time,

doesn't it?
-Wow.

-And those of you who wouldlike to be keelhauled,

go to the right.

Those of you to be
pinswiggled, please

make your way to the left.

---was built by
the Scots in 1878.

It was one of the largestfour-masted square riggers

ever constructed.

She later sailed
from San Francisco

and was converted
to an oil tanker.

And then a long lifefreighting oil to Hawaii.

-[IN HIGH VOICE]
But enough about me.

-I am now the sole,
surviving example

of a sailing oil tankers.

-Roy Thinnes-- a cop who
doesn't stay in line!

-Ah, the curio shop.

-Hello, Moneypenny.

-You were right
about Basil Phillips.

He died 40 years ago in infancy.

All Tree did was phony up apassport, so it's a dead-end.

Anything on Tree's men?

-Not yet.

-Well, we're
running out of time.

-Excuse me, my
underwear is buzzing me.

-Macintosh.

Control.

The body of Colonel
Butler was just

found, apparent
accidental drowning.

Since he was cleared top-secret,I thought you'd want to know.

-Message received.

Thank you.

And the tourists all
know who you are.

-Butler was a top
ordinance expert.

Pentagon.

Arrived here two days ago.

-What was he doing here?
-Makapu'u Point.

-Makapu pakapu.

-That's it.-Tree was taking butler's place.

He's after the
chemical explosives.

-This is Aunt Mary.

Patch me through to Yarnell.

-And Shields!

-Sorry, sir.

The line seems to be dead.

We're too late at the lab.

Tree has to have a
backup someplace.

Now find it, Johnny.

-You got it.

-This is Aunt Mary.

I'm ordering full alert.

Repeat-- full alert!

-I want you to go all-out.

Use the station wagon!

-Now let's see.

Sharon Wilkerson,
Debbie Johnson.

OK.

Go right in, ladies.

-Yeah.

Officer open the gate.

Officer shut the gate.

-GW Bailey.

-All right!

We snuck into the drive-inwith four people in the trunk!

-Woo!

-It's a station wagon.

-Robert DeNiro is clingingto the bottom of the car.

-All right, gentlemen.

We have filled the
tank with salt water

and pressurized it tosimulate a depth of 40 feet.

Now, if you will
observe, the gold cross

is in the center of the tank.

-Dullsville.

SCIENTIST [OFFSCREEN]:
We will be

ready for ignition inapproximately 60 seconds.

-It'll be the longest
60 seconds of your life.

-I cannot program this thing.

It's always 12:00.

SCIENTIST [OFFSCREEN]:
This time, it

will ignite on
electrical impulse.

Combustion will be--
-Lip gloss here.

SCIENTIST [OFFSCREEN]:
-combination

of the impulse and the
water pressure itself.

-Open channel D, please.

SCIENTIST [OFFSCREEN]: -theheat factor will be minimized.

But expansion due to combustion

-He-- here's a pen.

Who needs a pen?

SCIENTIST [OFFSCREEN]: We'llbe really in just a moment.

-Is that poisoned gaspart of the presentation?

-Ooh, good thing he didn't leavethat pen in his pocket open.

-Yeah.

El Markos are like
that-- stinky.

-Well, apparently the Colonelhas his own little agenda

today.

-Here, fall by me, Brad.

-Get help!

-There.

I finally have the dryer
to myself, thank you.

-Just put it on light
fluff for a while.

-[IMITATING DRAMATIC
PIANO RIFF] Bee

bee boo bee doo bee doo doop.

-Boy, it's tough when BarnabyJones out-actions you.

Dee doo doo dee doo doo.

-He's checking
his tire pressure.

-Boop bee dee bee
doo doo doop doop.

-An elaborate plan to softenthe military's clothes!

-Yeah, like I mean this.

-At ease.

Hah! 'Cuz they're dead.

-I'm leaving early because
I have things to do.

Don't check down there.

-Well, they managed
to pull that off

without a moment's suspense.

-Oh, even though
it's a caper, there's

still time for a
scenic overlook.

-Oh, that's smart.

They're carpooling
for the heist.

-Robert Goulet, getaway driver.

-Driving Mrs. Lovejoy.

-All right, switch it to
wolof banana will you?

Oh, we can't.

-Now back to "Code Name: DiamondHead," starring that one guy.

-Oh, this looks
like a good place

to put up the roadside poisongas stand, don't you think?

-You said you had a cabin.

This is just property!

-That's not a keg, you idiots.

-That was tight Too tight.

-Close doesn't count.

-Wrong.

And Sakai, you were
clumsy last night.

Diamond Head is still alive.

-Look, I saw him fall!

-You missed.

How else could they
be so close behind?

We're only minutes ahead.

-We are still clear.

-Not until we're
off this island.

-You'll let the air out!

And now, they'll have everyartery blocked out of here.

We're in a trap and
it's closing in.

Did you make contact?

-Rendez-vous is
set for 1600 hours.

-Well that's it.

Go to the shop and
get everything ready.

-Hey, hey hey!

No, no!
-Whoa!

Whoa!

-I'll take care of that.

-Sorry, I'm just mad.

Way to guard the
government, jerk.

-But all their
papers were in order.

-Oh, I guess that
makes you a good guard!

-Ah, yes, that's right, Captain.

Butler's gone.

He left with two men
in an official sedan.

-How long were you out?

-5, maybe 10 minutes.

-But all their
papers were in order!

-That formula is lethal.

-Now get out an alert.

HPD, civil authorities,
and the state police.

I want APB on three civilians---Oh boy.

---two Caucasians--
-That's it.

---one Asiatic, and--
-Grubner?

---give them the
description of Butler.

-Butler's?

-The real Butler is dead.

The man who stole thatformula is a double agent.

-Who's Butler?
-Now get on it, fast.

Now, let's see if anyone wantsto go to lunch around here.

Lunch?

-I want the Navy, Air Force,and the Coast Guard commanders

right away.

-Yes sir.

-And put the Campfire
Girls on standby.

[ALL IMITATING SUSPENSEFUL

-Mr. Lord?

Mr. Fat?
Yoo-hoo.

-Great floors!

-Hey, I'm Jack Rod's
palatial estate in Maui!

-He's got hammer toes.

[ALL HUMMING MC HAMMER - "YOU CAN'T TOUCH THIS"]

-Aw, come on.

We paid to see the whole guy.
-Ah!

He's gonna put
ice down her back!

-Hmm hmm hmm.

I think this week I'll
have something to eat.

-My compliments.
-Thank you!

Wha-- hey!

-Sunlight flatters you
as much as candlelight.

Inside.

-But we still have
to hear them go

[imitating suspenseful music]

-What do you want?
-Inside.

-OK, fellas.

I made some snacks for you.

Enjoy!

-Hey, thanks, Mike.

That's great!

-Want mine?

-Pssh, yeah, like
I'm going to eat it.

-I'd like to suggest thatMike isn't a very good cook,

but I'm afraid
that Magic Voice--

MAGIC VOICE: That's
right, you integrates.

How would you like to livewith the Frugal Gourmet?

-Hello my friends, and welcome.

Today we are making
Indian saffron soup.

And if you've never had it,it's absolutely wonderful.

Let's get started.

I was just throwing in
a few more ingredients.

What you need and whatis essential to this dish

is a fresh robot neck.
And look at this thing.

Look.
Isn't that wonderful?

See how it glistens?

-It does.
-This is wonderful.

You know, don't write
in, for heaven's sake.

You know, robots
are not extinct.

They know that in
India, and they

have big, wonderfulmeals using fresh robots.

So let's get started.

Now we need to add alittle fresh ground pepper.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-And look at this wonderfulpepper mill that I've got here.

There's a story behind it.

I went over the hills
into Soviet Georgia

and I got it from a littleold woman with a club foot.

We talked and--

-Hello, Mr. Smith!

Can I have your autograph?

-Shut your pie hole!

I'm trying to do a show
here for heaven's sake.

Anyway, I know a thing ortwo about a thing or two.

And I know that our time isdone for today, so that's it.

I bid you peace.

-That's horrible.

-It's so horrible.

It was terrible.

I couldn't--

-OK.

How are the snacks, mi amigos?

Oh, Mike, you old fruit!

They're better than
any cloying old Seattle

windbag could ever make.

-Aw, than-- You didn't
have to say that.

-It's true though!

[interposing voices]

-We're doing some sunset diving,and I want you to act the part.

-I got the part, I got the part!

-You know, I shouldreally work on that case,

but I can't remember what it is.

-Johnny!

Hey!

-Fill her up, matey.

-Zulu told me to find you.

He told me to give
you an address.

-Where?

-Well, he said it'd be worth 50.

--Muldoon, where?

-The diving shop on
Barrington Air Street.

Hey Johnny, what about my 50?

-I'm Richard Harris!

-I wonder if they haveanything scuba-y around there.

-Hmm.
-Underwater-ish.

-She's driving, so
technically she's

an accessory to
her own kidnapping.

-Nice Terry Top.

-Whoa, big Johnson.

-That's Mercury.

-Well, big Mercury then.

-Remember, just ask for minnows.

-One last detail.
Outside.

So

-Watch her.
-Sure.

I'll watch her, no problem.

Watching away.

Gawking OK?

Whoa, can do.

-Hey, you're that guy.
-Cheese!

-Her pants are hurting me.

-If those pants were anytighter, they'd be behind her.

Hmm.

-Ah, urinal cakes.

My favorite

-We're on the
brink of two people

actually interacting for thefirst time in this movie.

-Now I smear the
cheese on the counter.

-So they're biting on
leeches today, or what?

Or not?

-I want this cleaned, and
I'll pick it up Tuesday.

-Who I found just before
we left this morning.

He was playing peeping tom.

-He's probably one of
Diamond Head's members.

Means he can't be far behind.

-You still here?

-Take the truck to
Makaha and burn it,

along with the Hawaiian.

Then catch a commercial
flight to Hilo,

and I'll contact you there.

Too bad we haven't got anapple to put in his mouth.

-Well, I'll stop by
the farmer's market--

-Never mind.

-We just ran out of time.

Let's go.

-But I like being
a hostage here!

-Ah ha, see, it's a clue thatshe's somewhere on the island.

-Ahh.

Whoa.

Lovejoy's packed
tight in denim casing.

-Skin on Lovejoy.

That nitrous is for
Grandpa, and I've

got the vegetable
powder for Grandma.

[car tears out noisily]

-Well.

-Filmed on Minnehaha
Avenue in Minneapolis.

-Only the interiors
were shot in Hawaii.

-Got to get an outboard
motor, but fast!

-Oh, funny.

That store certainlyinvites the customers in.

-I wonder if she
left her ring in here

with some wax and
a map or something.

-He's there for
his nursing shift.

-'Scuse me?

Need a dozen shiners?

-Let's see.

She usually leaves a ring,
wax and map thing out

here on a dock someplace.

-You know, there was a timewhen Roy Thinnes's agent

returned his calls?

-Begrudgingly, but
he did return them.

-I haggled with this guy.

-[imitating suspenseful music]

-[WITH INDIAN ACCENT] Tonight,on a very special Ravi Shankar,

PI.

-He's gonna kill a guy
who's detailing his van?

-I'm OK with that.

-Wise guy, hold it.

Hands on top of the head.

Fast.

Move it.

-Aiiyah!

-He had all afternoon to planthis move but he screwed it up.

-The good guys in this
movie aren't very good.

-Mm-mm.

-'Scuse me.

'Scuse me.

-Just went for some lumberand get your face kicked in.

-The scattered crates reallyadd a lot to the ambiance.

-You know, you hardly
ever see this sort

of thing on TV movies.

-Eh, book yourself, Dano.

I'm outta here.

-Now to get to the sag wagon.

-Oh, for-- You are the worst
assistant I've ever had!

-How was your date with Madonna?I'm kidding.

That must hurt.

-What happened?

-I forgot to duck.

-There were at least 20 of
them and they jumped me!

-You just missed--
a million or two.

No more.

-I'm really a singer.

That's why I'm
tied up like this.

-Let's tie this guy up.

Let HPD do the rest.

Huh?

-I like to use barbed wire.

-Yeah, have your fun.I'll go capture the terrorists.

-Hey!

My friend has a
ring just like that.

She wants to break up with me.

-Hey, hey hey, that's
the director's Coke.

I'll just call her
and find out what

the whole ring-wax thing means.-Hello?

Steve?

Roy Thinnes.

Close off the whole island.

Aunt Mary, Code Seven, Urgent.

-Hello dear.

-Johnny?

Tree's headed for
Tso-Tsing's trimaran.

It's The Dragon Lady.

It's moored in Honolulu Harbor.

-A sailboat?

-Sounds fun!

-He must have friends
waiting for him at sea.

-Mac, he's got Tso-Tsing.

-He's got that formula andwe've got to recover it.

-Mac, I want a shot at him!

-Tso-Tsing knows the rules.

-No friends in the house.

-And so do you.

I want to stop that
boat at any cost.

-You owe me.

-Don't you sass your Aunt Mary!

-You've got 30 minutes.

Then I pull the trigger.

-We've got 30 minutes.

-Duh duh duh da da!

Da-- Oh.

-Jeez, they should
take the boat.

Boy, you know, Iremember when this aired.

An entire nation was riveted.

Everyone was talking about it.

-Hey, switch on Name of
the Game now, will ya?

Oh, I forgot, it's
the wrong decade.

-Hmm?

-She was going to nameher boat "The Stereotype,"

but she decided
on "Dragon Lady."

Tonight's episode--
"No Soup With Buffet!"

-It's a pity we
haven't met before.

Espionage is such
a small community.

It's quite like a
little family, really.

-In that we all drink
and hurt each other.

-What's in the bottle?

-Ah.

To some, a whirlwind.

To me, the only reality--
$500,000 in a Swiss bank

account.

-I meant the red bottle.

-Oh, that's Tia Maria.

-Oh.

-Is this Hawaii or Seattle?

-Avast ye-- Oh, forget it.

-How many people died for
your Swiss bank account?

-A lot.

We don't have exact figures yet.

-Cost of running business?

That's a price no one can pay.

Or has the right to.

-Right?

You'll be waving the flag nextand George, Queen and country.

There's no such thing, girl.

The world is run
by politicians--

-Oh, boy.

---demand respectability
without virtue--

[snoring sounds]

---pleasure without payment.
-You without me, sir?

-And blind men to bury
their honorable dead.

I just balance the
scales a little.

-Acting!
-My way.

-Even in Hell, you will
balance the scales.

Right, Mr. Barnaby?

-I know you are, but what am I?

-Just steer.

-I'm sorry, that
was uncalled for.

-Oh no, Sam Elliott!

-[SINGING] Please allow
me to introduce myself.

[theme music]

-Herbie!

What are you doing?

-Burns and Schreiber
to the rescue!

-Hah, another member
of his crack team.

-Hey, TV's Frank
named that boat!

-He's got a figure
like Marcia Brady!

-Hey, you should
never run on a dock!

-Hey, where's my 50 bucks?

-Don't worry about
it, you'll get it!

Come on, start her up.

-Where are we going?

-Tso-Tsing's trimaran.

It should be on the
outside, Mamala Bay.

-What's in it for me?

-You'll get another 50 bucks!

Now start it up!

-Our hero gets
rattled very easily.

-There's dead involved now.

The intrigue thickens.

-I can't look away.

-That's right.

A trimaran called
The Dragon Lady.

She was probably outsidethe Kewalo Basin right now.

-Are we going to overtake?

-Order him into the wind.

If he opens fire, respond.

Stop that boat, no matter what!

-Yes sir.

-[gasps] Jim Henson!

-On deck.

Standby to get underway.

Take in all lines.

Let's go.

Priority one.

-The Coast Guard-- for mentoo chicken to join the Navy!

-Hey!

God.

Like I'm going to get
beat up by a sailor.

-Stay on this course.

Won't be long.

-She's beensurreptitiously spreading

jewelry behind the boat.

-Derek Jarman's "Blue" hadmore action than this movie.

-What's this all about, Johnny?

-Where's your flare gun?

-Here, where I always keep it.

What do you want it for?

-What's the range?

The flare'll burst at 100 yards.

-How we gonna warn Tso-Tsing?

-Fly the cocktail flag.

Nobody ever flies
that going out.

-I wonder where there's
a saloon in sight?

[cheering and laughing]
-All right.

-I hear the club's
gotten really exclusive.

-Stand by for mildinterest on the high seas!

-Ian McShane in "Lint."

-I think we've got company.

-Oh, no.

Mother!
-Who is it?

And I want to know the truth.

-Hong Kong no good.

He runs a charter.

-Gee, your top smells terrific.

-Aw, they're still
tied to the dock.

-Let's see.

Let's see, what else?

Did I give my corrupt
politician spiel yet?

-I think Kennedy died.

-This is like the end of "TheFirm," except it's coherent.

-Really hair legs
for a-- oh, wow.

-I'll stay aft.

-They only get one pass, man.

-Hey, I've let you down yet.

-There's a lot of
money here, Mitchell!

[goofy chuckling]

-Yes, I'm that guy!

Yup.

-Wow.

The sail is polyester, too.

-Wow.

-Rat patrol!

That's what you were on.

-Watch it, Johnny!

-Watch the shirt jack!

-Johnny!

-One excuse, Tree!

Come on!

-My mom said I couldn't?

Dog ate my homework?

-So he's basically
saying, make my day?

-Yeah.

-That was number
one for lost causes.

-This is such a
satisfying conclusion.

-This was certainly
worth waiting for, huh?

-Yeah.

-Pity we don't have anapple to put in his mouth!

Hoh.

I had that coming.
-You OK?

-I am now.

-Let's do some nitrous!

-That's the stuff.

-Bad news, fellas!

[sirens]

-Here comes trouble!

[sirens]

-Either somebody
bursted the law,

or World War III's just started!

-It's all right, Hong Kong.

You just won yourself
a kewpie doll.

-So the whole point of thecapers was novelty items?

-I am so glad they got together.

-Let's switch it over
to Hec Ramsey now.

-Oh, anything.

-Epilogue.

OK, let me guess.

The last words in this film aregoing to be "ah ha ha ha ha."

-Aw, baby.

Tu etais incroybable.

That's French.

It means you were incredible.

-[making loud squeaking noise]

-You never cease to amaze me.

-Chevy Chase?

-I didn't know you could cook.

-I didn't know you could eat.

-I'm a maze of hidden talents.

-Yeah, very well hidden.

-What about my reward, huh?

-I do have some
rare Maori carvings.

-Marijuana carpets?

-[WITH FRENCH ACCENT] I'm

[phone ringing]

--[making gulping noises]
I have your gum.

-Hello?

-Yeah, this is Quinn Martin.

We're not going to series.

-Yes.

Just a minute.

-Quinn.

-You.

And he didn't give his name.

-I think it's your mother.

-Johnny?

-I can see you.

-I thought you'd like
to know the gold cross

formant has been destroyed.

-Click.
[imitating dial tone]

-And the British have passedextradition on Donovan.

Yeah!

Maybe in about, oh, 200 years!

-Well fine.

It's over then, right?

-Oh, this job, yes!

But there is something else.

-Not tonight?

-I'm worried about securityfor the Korean ambassador.

-Ohh!-I'd like you to look into it.

-Well who isn't?

-So tomorrow, same
time, same place.

-Aww, it's so--
It's almost poignant

how they're trying
to set up the series!

-Aww.

No more of that nonsense.

-About the Maori carvings?

-Oh yes, I want to see them.

-[IN HIGH VOICE] They're
in my halter dress.

-I know I'm going to
be very impressed.

[knocking on door]

-Code Name-- Interruptus!

-Let's go.

ZULU [OFFSCREEN]: Hey, Johnny!

-Hello there!

-I can't get this
guy off my back!

-I jus-- Oh.

'Scuse me, ma'am.

Johnny!

You owe me 100 bucks!

-Oh, that's right.

-That guy.

-Yeah.

-He's asked for a party, love.

Come on!
-Oh!

They're throwing the cast party.

Ha.
-Huh.

They rounded up every JimmyBuffet fan on the island.

-Oh, not Burl Ives!

-I wouldn't be able to make lovein the same room as Burl Ives.

Mrs. Burl Ives can't make lovein the same room as Burl Ives.

-Whoa!
Ooh.

[laughing]

-Stay tuned for your localnews, next on the Superstation.

-Like there was any talent.

Talent supervisor?

There was none.

-Teets!
Teets!

Teets!
Teets!

Teets!
-Hey, hey!

-It said it, right there.

-Hey, this was filmed in Hawaii.

-Where?

-It said it.
-No.

-Yes!
-Uh-uh.

-Yes!

-Western Airlines,
now out of business.

-That's Hawaii in
the background.

-Ford Motor, now
out of business.

-[ALL SINGING] Ohhhh, a wakawaka waka waka waka waka woo.

Aaand a waka waka waka waka woo.

Ohhhh, a waka waka waka
waka waka waka woo.

Aaand a waka waka waka waka woo!

Woo-hoo!

-Ain't this the life?

Oh, ever since I adopted theauthentic Hawaiian lifestyle,

I feel like a changed man!

-You look like a changed man!

-Well, that is an
attractive skirt.

-Darn right!

-Uh, don't you have some kindof a top to go with it, though?

-Bah, tops are for tourists.

This look is the real deal!

-If you say so.

-Wait, Mike, Mike!

-Yeah?

-How would you like a
nice Hawaiian punch?

Yeah, that sounds refreshing.I think I will have one.

Thanks, Crow.

-You want one?

-Yeah.

-You really want a
nice, Hawaiian punch?

-Yes, I do.

-Say, "sure."
-OK.

Sure!

-Remember, you asked for it!

One Hawaiian punch coming up!

There you go.
-Great.

-Hope you like it.
-Yeah.

-Yeah.
Great.

Thanks a lot.
-OK.

Uh, I probably should reada letter here, though.

-Wait!

Don't read that letter yet.

Let me interpret the letter inthe authentic Hawaiian fashion

using the expressive
native dance, the hula.

You see, in the hula, everymovement, every bodily nuance,

tells a story.

Here, let me see that
letter for a second.

[mumbling] OK.

Here we go.

[singing very fast] Whoo!

What do you think, huh?

-That was interesting.

-Thank you.

-Not at all insulting, either.

-Huh?

-No, not at all.

Why don't I read
the letter, though,

for you not acquainted with theauthentic Hawaiian lifestyle?

Put that up on
still store, Cambot.

Thanks a lot.

Uh, this says, "Dear
Mike, Crow, Tom, Gypsy,

and the rest of the crew atthe Satellite of Love, Hi!

Thanks for reading my firstletter on the air on Saturday,

February 5th.

Me and my friend
started screaming.

Kim Moettner taped it for me.

Everyone in my biology
class knew about it,

and I played the tape in myHealth class for everyone

to hear my name on the air.

-We're reading a
letter on the air

from a woman whose letterwe read on the air.

-Well, yeah.
We kind of--

-Kind of a bookend.

-Every six weeks, we'll
read her new letter

when she gets excited
about this one.

Then we'll read the next one.

Well, I think
that's all from us.

Bye, then.

We've got things to do.

[robots singing]

-I'm much cleaner
than you are, Frank!

I've already removed
all my vile flesh

and now I'm removing thatdark stain from my soul!

-That's nothing, Clay.

I'm all the way down
to original sin!

-Oh yeah?

Well, I'm-- What
are you looking at?

Haven't you ever
seen two men practice

a little personal hygiene?

Hmm?

You got a problem with that?

I'll put and end to this littlenaughty voyeurism right now.

-Now I'm totally clean, Clay.

Clay?

Clay?

Clay?

[theme music playing]