Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 7, Episode 7 - Bloodlust! - full transcript

* In the not-too-distant
future *

* Way down in Deep 13 *

* Dr. Forrester
and TV's Frank *

* Were hatching
an evil scheme *

* They hired a temp
by the name of Mike *

* Just a regular Joe
they didn't like *

* Their experiment
needed a good test case *

* So they conked him
on the noggin *

* And they shot him
into space *

* Get me down! *

* We'll send him
cheesy movies *

- * The worst we can find *
- * La la la *

* He'll have to sit
and watch them all *

* And we'll monitor
his mind *

* La la la *

* Now keep in mind,
Mike can't control *

* Where the movies
begin or end *

* La la la *

* He'll try to keep
his sanity *

* With the help
of his robot friends *

* Robot Roll Call *

- * Cambot *
- Show yourself.

- * Gypsy *
- I'm not ready.

- * Tom Servo! *
- Hello there!

- * Croooow! *
- That's one "o".

* If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes *

- * And other science facts *
- * La la la *

* Just repeat to yourself,
"It's just a show, *

* I should really
just relax *

* For 'Mystery Science
Theater 3000!'" *

Yes, yes, yes,
yes, I see, yes.

Describe your childhood
to me, Mr. T-Robot.

I didn't have a childhood.

Hmm, I see.

How would you describe
your relationship
with your mother?

I didn't have a mother.

Ahh, interesting
Have you seen "Cliffhanger?"

- No.
- Hmm, tell me more about that.

- I didn't see "Cliffhanger."
- This seems painful to you.

- No.
- Now tell me, Crow T,
what kind of fishing lure

do you think is appropriate
for early spring?

Definitely
a Rebel Deep--

nothing leaves
this office, right?

Now, Mr. Robot,
everything said here today
is strictly confidential.

Definitely a Rebel
Deep Diving Lure
for early spring.

Yes, yes.

Ah, well, I see our
time is up, Crow.
We'll be right back.

- What?
- I'm prescribing a series
of commercials.

( groans )

**

Gee, I feel
kind of embarrassed

about the things
I told you in our session.

Don't worry, Crow,
as I said before,

whatever you tell me
in the privacy of my office

is in the strictest
of confidence.

Hi, guys.

Say, Mike,
you won't believe

some of the weird stuff
this nutcup is into here.

- Hey!
- Did you know

that he uses
a Rebel Deep Diving
Lure in early spring?

- I lied about that.
Shh, shh! Hey, hey!
- ( laughing )

You'll have to excuse me.

Things have been a little
hectic down here this week.

You see, my mother's
coming to visit,

and, well, we've
redecorated in her honor.

She is the one person
in my life

who's responsible
for my deep psychological scar

and naturally
I wanted the place
to look nice for her.

I'm going to send you along
some material

that I want you to say
to her when she gets here.

You do a good job
and I'll show you
my appreciation

by not killing you.

- Frank.
- Relax, Clay,
everything's under control.

Look, I made your mother
this nice fruit bowl.

No oranges, though.
You mother can't
have oranges.

The citric acid
gives her gas.

That's a very good point,
Frank, beca--

How do you know
so much about my mother?

I've been corresponding
with her regularly for
quite some time now.

I thought you knew that.

- No.
- ( doorbell rings )

That's her.
Come in.

- Mother.
- It is so wonderful
to see you.

( smooching )

You look fabulous.

Thank you
for the lovely card.

That was so
thoughtful of you.

We have so much
to talk about.

Before we talk about
anything else,

there is one thing
I have got to tell you about.

Wait, let me guess.

Meg Anderson's party.

( laughing )

Well, you're not
gonna believe it,

- but I wore the blue dress.
- You didn't?!

I most certainly did.
And you should have
seen when I--

- Mother!
- What?

Some friends of mine
have put together a little
presentation in your honor.

I told them not to,

but they're a bunch
of knuckleheads.

Well, you know,
let's watch, huh?

Hmm? ( groans )

"Hi, Clayton.

Oh, I see
that your mother is here.

It's great to finally meet
the mother of such a good
friend of mine.

Many is the time
you and I have engaged
in spirited high jinks.

I enjoy your company
very, very much."

Oh. Ahem.

"I hope your visit from your
mother doesn't interfere

with your brilliant science
experiments when the history
of the...

20th century is ultimately
written,

the name of one man
will tower above all others.

That man is you.

Dr. Clayton Forrester."

"Dr. Clayton Forrester,

you have made the world
a better place..."

by staying underground.
I don't believe this.

Who wrote this junk?
This is so stupid.

"Dr. Forrester,

perhaps no other individual
embodies the style,

panache and verve
of the elegant sport
of polo more than you.

You're--"
Oh, I can't do this.

- Honey!
- This is worse--

Your son is sick.
He's sick!

He needs serious help.
If there's anything

you can do to help him,
you should really--

Well, I guess there's
really not much left

to say other than

your movie this week
is called "Bloodlust."

It's immediately preceded
by a short

called
"A Visit to Uncle Jim's Farm."

I never visited my uncle.

After all, a boy's best friend
is his mother.

( both gasp )

Now I understand
why he's so sick.

I tempted to call her
something that rhymes
with "bitch."

- ( alarm blaring )
- ( clamoring )

Gypsy's in trouble.
Gypsy's in trouble.

( music playing )

- We're gonna
have to spank her.
- No, you can't say it.

- No, you can't say it.
- Can we say it now?

I'm Dairy Council intolerant.

Is Velveeta a member
of the National Dairy Council?

No, Velveeta's
a splinter group.

I thought I smelled
something.

Yes, the farm
of secrets and lies.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mrs. Loretta Doyle.

( mutters )

Narrator:
This is a story

about the summer
George and Betty spent

on Uncle Jim's dairy farm.

A cautionary tale.

George and Betty
are both excited

because this is
a very special trip.

They're dropping off
the kids and never coming back.

They're not a bit
more excited

than Andy and Jane
who live on the farm.

Poor saps.

I think they're here.
I see their car.

Are you sure?

Don't ever question me.

- Sure I'm sure.
- I'll run and tell Mom.

( imitates laughter )

Here in frame 54, Mr. Connolly
is struck by the bullet.

No wonder
they're so excited.

After Uncle Fred and Aunt Alice
go back to the city,

George and Betty are going to
stay to spend a whole summer

on the farm
with Jane and Andy.

- Where's Uncle Jim?
- Dad's out in the field.

Come on,
and they'll let you

- ring the bell to call him.
- Okay.

Let's go tip some cattle.

Go ahead, Betty,
you ring it.

Ah yes,
the bell signals

a nuclear attack
in these parts.

Now they have nothing
to look forward to.

I never want this day
to end.

What do you know?
Something fell in
the thresher again.

Already the children
have disturbed Uncle Jim.

Uncle Jim is an edgy man
who should not be riled.

Ganja, Betty?

The grownups have things
to talk about,

but Andy and Jane have
their plans all set.

The first thing to do
is show their city cousins

some new
things around the farm.

Their throats tightened
with apprehension.

Because it is
a dairy farm...

Oh, Bossie--

Oh, nothing,
I'm not doing anything.

Where their older brother Bill
has started the milking.

- How are you?
- We're fine.

- My, it's clean in here.
- That's right, Betty.

All dairy farms
wanna keep their barns
clean and their cows, too.

Is that why you're
washing the cow?

Every morning and evening,
George, just before
they're milked.

This is one way we help
to make sure the milk

is always
pure and wholesome

and good tasting, too.

Go on, taste her.

See those pipes up there?

The milk runs from the cow
through those pipes

through the big cooler
in the milk room.

Yeah, so it keeps
cold and fresh

Excuse me, back here.
I need some help back here.

I got something caught
in my--

Uncle Jim,
how do cows make milk?

They make it out
of what they eat.

Yeah, but what
do they eat?

Come on, I'll show you.

The kids feign
interest so as not
to rile Uncle Jim.

See, we dump
this stuff in the creek

and the government
pays us for it.

Wow, look at it
all come out.

I just saw a finger.

Can we go home?
( crying )

This is what the cows
eat at milking time.

Pure, uncut.

First one's free, kid.

Why, that looks like some
of our breakfast cereal.

( mumbles mockingly )

Well, that's pretty much
what it is, Betty.

As a matter of fact,
cows are a lot like people.

They're sinners.

This feed is a special mixture
of ground grain

with the extra vitamins
and minerals

the cows must eat
to stay healthy.

Of course they eat grass
and hay and silage, too.

They eat all different kinds
of good food.

Plenty of good, clean water
and a clean, comfortable
place to live.

That way they grow
to be strong and healthy.

When we slaughter them.

...help your brother
Bill with the milking.

Andy, I think that Betty
and George would like
to see the hayloft.

- What do you think?
- ( cheering )

Not really.
Is there anything on TV?

Now Junior Samples
and Lulu Belle make
their appearance.

( playful music plays )

( imitates music )

Oh, my.
I don't think--
'cause my doctor--

I'm frail
and I have allergies,

but if you
really want me to.

- ( laughing )
- I found a pitchfork.

All the commotion
provokes a bull snake
resting in the hay.

I gotta be careful of my new
jeans 'cause I got them
at Pamida.

Tonight on ESPN 2,
hayloft rope swinging.

You'd better watch
'cause it might happen.

This is when you get that
tingly feeling.

It's easier when
a stagehand helps.

( cheering )

( humming )

The summer of my
German humiliation.

- I can't do it.
- Come on!

( shouting )

But I wanna write
poetry and act and um...

My turn!

I can't do it.

That's okay, George.

You can't do it
now, but the bigger
and stronger you get

and the more you practice,
the more things you can do.

You'll be able to do it
by the end of the summer.

Now give me 30, soldier.

George and Betty
soon discovered

that on a farm everybody
has work to do.

This Guernsey
does the typing.

Right now this new calf
doesn't need any help.

It's just two days old,
but it knows where
its dinner is.

Hey, hey, hey, no snacking.

It will be Andy's job
to teach the calf

to drink its milk from a pail
and to eat other feed.

Hey, this is skim.

Uncle Jim and Bill
make sure

the grownup cows
are properly fed.

That they get grain
and grass and silage.

All the good food
and clean water

they need to make
good fresh milk.

You'll pay one day, hayseed.

You'll get what's coming,
farmer.

There was plenty
for everybody to do.

Betty helped Jane
take care of the baby lamb.

- And prepare a mint sauce.
- ( slurping )

And they all learned
about pigs, too.

More than you'd ever
wanna know.

( shouting )

Don't ever do that.

( squealing )

A very special Ziffel
family reunion.

So this is enough to get
you up in the morning, huh?

Okay, so cities, night clubs
don't mean anything to you,
do they?

George and Andy helped Bill
feed the pigs every day.

Day after life-sucking day.

While Betty and Jane helped
with the babies.

Drink it, just drink it.
( chokes )

These would make nice purses.

Oh, the lunch counter
at Tom and Rosie's diner.

They don't have good
table manners, but they
enjoy their dinner,

a mixture of milk
and ground grain.

Later they will eat corn
and other kinds of feed.

Yeah, and then later,
we'll bring around
the dessert tray.

Baby chicks, too...

Hey, they're women.
Oh. I see.

A special mixture
of ground up grain,
milk and other feed.

This is Betty's
and Jane's favorite chore.

The baby chicks
are so soft and cuddly.

And squishable.

On the farm,
a big dog

has plenty of room
to run and play.

But he is more than a pet.
He also protects the family.

From rival farm gangs.

But all the puppies
have to do

is eat
and play and sleep...

Oh, puppy.
Oh, look at the puppy.

( speaking gibberish )

* On a foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say *

Jane's kitten loves
to drink his milk.

But he wishes
he had a straw.

And Jane and Betty enjoy
playing with the kittens.

They enjoy neutering
them also.

( bell dings )

When the dinner bell rings,
no one has to call
the girls twice.

They run to the house
and wash up quickly so
they won't be late.

They have obsessive-compulsive
behavior.

Living on a farm makes you
hungry and Aunt Helen is
certainly a good cook.

Given her limitations.

Jerry Lee Lewis joins
the family for dinner.

- That's nice.
- Ah, yes, now's the time

for Uncle Jim's
fundamentalist dogma.

But I don't like food.

Look at all the wonderful
things to eat.

At restaurants.

It takes all kinds of good food
to build up muscles

and let us grow bigger
and stronger.

Mostly just butter.

Susie drains the last
of her Dirty Banana.
( slurps )

That's why I'm burning my bra.

Repressed emotions
help the evening pass
without incident.

Man, your dad goes on.

The children
are ready for bed

after a busy day
on the farm.

Day one is over
at long last.

She's dreaming
of midtown Manhattan.

( laughs )

( imitates snoring )

( rooster crows )

Three hours later,
it's up again.

Back home a Hershey's
truck is overturned

and everyone is getting
all the free chocolate
they want.

Uncle Jim's out of control.
We frag him today.

This is the way
the summer went.

Play, work and rest.
The children helped
with the chores.

Let my people go!

While Bill helped
in the corn field.

Despair was
the bumper crop.

Andy and George kept
the vegetable garden
clear of weeds.

I remember ringing a bell.

Jane and Betty brought in
fresh eggs each day.

Given by
disgruntled chickens.

And helped Aunt Helen
with the housework.

I was Rhubarb Queen
of the five state area in '48.

So many gentlemen callers
I had in my day.

It was fun, too,
especially riding the horses.

Why, it's a wonder
cities even exist.

Whenever they were hungry
in the middle of the afternoon,

Too bad.

there were snacks
under the shady trees...

They had to graze
just like the animals.

Mmm, pigs' knuckles.

Uncle Jim's sick again.

Mmm. Good white,
hearty white bread

for white, white people.

Sis takes to the comfort
of cream items.

And twice a week,
letters from home

in the big mailbox
beside the highway.

Thank you for your request
to come pick you up.

We are sorry to inform
you that we cannot.

As the summer passed,
everything seemed to grow.

The corn was knee high
on George when he came.
Now it's taller than he is.

George is clearly shrinking.

Andy's calf is bigger
and eating like a grown cow.

With a knife and fork
like a real gentleman.

The lambs
are almost grown.

And look how big
the pigs are now.

Equal rights for pigs.

The little chicks
have become grown chicks.

They want to wear
makeup and nylons.

George and Betty have grown
bigger and stronger, too.

George can even shinny up
that rope now.

The stagehand
helps him, too.

Yes, they've had
a wonderful time.

They've learned
how animals grow

through good,
nourishing food.

I think it's dead.

They've learned how work
and play and fun go
together on the farm.

Elsie and I are in love
and you can't stop us.

They've had good,
nourishing food to grow on

and plenty of sleep.

Why, Uncle Jim's
even enrolled them
in the posse comitatus.

Corn coming after me.
Stalks attacking me.
Oh! Oh!

The summer is over
and George and Betty
are waiting for their parents

to take them back
to the city

- Freedom!
- Freedom!

Abner, just throw them
their winter clothes
and then floor it.

Hey, they're driving
right by. Wait, wait.

It's time
for goodbye now,

but the children
will have a lot

to tell their friends
at home.

Heck, I was pretty
hard on 'em, Clark,

but I think you'll
understand when you see
how well behaved they are.

It'll be a long time
before either George
and Betty...

Learn to forgive.

...or Andy and Jane forget
that summer of fun

on Uncle Jim's
dairy farm.

You weren't there when we
had our summer of fun.

We went to a condo
in Orlando.

Goodbye. We'll send you
that arm if we find it.

So long,
you corn-shucking suckers.

( imitates car engine )

I'm Jam Handy. ( laughs )

**

( eerie music playing )

- Ooh. The story
of Wisconsin sausage.
- ( laughs )

You get your hand out of
that cookie jar, young man.

He's so lucky.
He has those high cheekbones.

That's the Edvard Munch
painting that wasn't stolen.

Looks like Ivan Lendl.

Nope, sorry, can't work up
any interest in that group
of people.

Right.

This isn't a very good
animation sequence.

This is exactly how
Leakey found Lucy.

She was leaky.

This is the best Saul Bass
credit sequence ever.

You know, can't say these
people interest me, either.

Nope, not a lick.

- Well, how about--
- No.

No.

Come on, make
with the fright already.

Yeah, bring
on the scare, man.

Cun-- the big Cunha.
Cunha.

- Cunha.
- Cunha

Oh, yes, it's Ralph
"It's my picture,
we do it my way" Brooke.

All right, Brooke, Mr. Auteur,
let's see what you got.

Bring back
the skeleton skull guy.

They are so out
in the middle of the sea.

Fellas, it's too rough
to feed you.

Tony, watch it, will ya?

We wanna get back
to port nice and dry.

Yeah, you trying to drown
us or something?

Don't worry.
Just don't worry.

The Exxon Valdez.

...get home
safe and sound.

I can navigate
this with one hand.

Uh-oh, Johnny,
I think he's at it again.

Yes, it's the booze barge.

* You see, Brandy,
you're a fine girl. *

( slurring )
Stay right there.

I wanna know where
you are at all times.

If he does that once more,
I think I'm gonna get sick.

I think all this action
has made the fish sick.

I can't seem to make any
contact with them at all.

Shut up, four eyes.

Okay, Betty,
let her go.

She's tossing her panties.

( gunshot )

That's the last pair, honey.

Hey, not bad.
Not bad at all.

Here, you wanna try it?

Sure. Only there's one hitch.

- What?
- No more bottles.

The captain
can rectify that.

Guess we'll have to play
a different game.

Chutes and Ladders.

What else can
we do out here?

This is always fun.

Looking at your roots.

Oh, honey, I think
you really hurt

something this time.

Of all the girls
in the world,

I had to get mixed up
with the daughter
of a judo expert.

Foreshadowing.

Daddy told me lots
of men like to wrestle.

That's not exactly
what I had in mind.

I want you to smash my face
into the side of the ship.

I'm glad I bought
my Bolero jacket.

How come you don't judo me?

- Come here.
- What is it?

Water. Lots of it.

There's an island
way over there

that I don't remember
seeing before.

Yeah, large land masses
are easy to miss.

This is the brightest day
we've had on our vacation.

Must have been hidden
in the mists out there before.

A mysterious hidden island.
Let's go ashore.

( mocking )
Let's go ashore.

What for?

Well, maybe we can find
some hidden pirate treasure.

In the gift shop.

It would be fun.
What do you say, Johnny?

Why not? This boat's
costing us enough.

We might as well
see everything we can.

Hey, Tony, pull in here.
We wanna go ashore.

- ( laughing )
- Can do.

Robert Maxwell,
the untold story.

I'll just run up to
the Lido Deck and see
what Isaac is doing.

Well, he's dead.
Why didn't he just say so?

Boy, he's really tied
one on this time.

Looks like he's gonna
be out for quite a while.

Yeah.

I know I can get
this boat in

close enough
to the island

to get the anchor down.

But I'm not sure I can
get it back to the main island.

So I guess
our little treasure hunt

is the best
thing to do till
our navigator sobers up.

I'll just keeping making
wry comments.

...get the dinghy ready,
I'll take us in closer
to the shore.

Okay.

What's a dinghy?

Thank you.

Please be sure to fill
out your comment cards.

Sure hope you know
how to fly this thing.

Okay, we detonate it
about 100 yards out.

Oh, man, I went home
with this boat last night?

Ugh, time to visit
the poop deck,

if you know
what I mean.

Wait, you forgot
Tallulah Bankhead.

Should we have
brought oars or not?

I could quit anytime.

Come back.
Come back, you fools!

Don't land there.
Come back.

The cruise
of wine and roses.

All right, back to work.
( snoring )

Oh, no,
they forgot the piano.

Tonight, "Love
and the Landing at Normandy."

Hey, I wonder if
anyone lives here.

No chance.
If there had been
any natives on this island,

they'd have spotted
the boat before now.

They'd be down here trying
to sell us hand-painted
coconuts.

What do we do now?

Well, my intuition
tells me

that Captain Kidd buried
his loot over there.

In her bra?

Let's race up there.
Last one doesn't get
any of his jewels.

( laughing )

Hey, counter worker
from Long John Silver's.

Go fish.

Shoot, I wanted to sell
them painted coconuts.

Oh!

See, what did I tell you?

This looks
just like the remains
of Captain Morgan's flagship.

Back there you said
it was Captain Kidd.

I did?

So you're saying
I'm not good in bed?

One pirate's gold
is as good as another.

Backpedaling.

I think
I found something.

Oh, a hand, sorry.

What is it?
Armor? Pirate's armor?

Well, let's just say it's
something the tide washed in.

Remember, I know more
than you do.

I think you're just a little
too young to know about it.

Yeah, women no nothing
about underwear.

Hey, gang, come here.

I'm Robert Reed.

Found some turtle eggs.
Let's smash 'em.

It's a head, I think.

- Did you find something?
- You bet I did. Look.

Linguini.

It's some of the best
eating in these waters.

A lot of clams
around here, too.

Getting hungry.
Let's have a clambake.

- Right. Let's have it
tropical style
- So how do you mean?

Pete and I will go
into the jungle

and get some
banana leaves...

In back,
it's a Japanese sub.

Hey, a Japanese sub.

...except the last part.
Where you go, we go.

- Right?
- Right.

We'll all go for the leaves
and then we'll all dig.

Okay, okay.
Come on, let's go.

Unfortunately, they landed
on Bikini Atoll in 1947.

( makes explosion sounds )

The lure of the clambake
proved to be their undoing.

Great plan.
Can we just go
to Red Lobster?

What is a jungle
without banana trees?

Uh, a forest?

Hey, wait a minute.

If you lived here,
you'd be home-- what?

It's not too old,
either.

I can still
smell the tobacco.

That means somebody
does live here.

Not necessarily.
Maybe somebody

just went exploring
a couple days ago

and then sailed away.

I don't know why,
but I'm scared.

Let's go back
to the boat.

There's nothing
to be scared of.

We'll only take
a few minutes.

Then we'll be back
at the beach, come on.

It's a few minutes
and we're not back
at the beach.

On his resume,
Robert Reed

listed this
as "The Tempest."

She's a Breck girl.

Sounds like James Galway's
bringing up the rear.

- Whoa!
- Johnny!

How long
do we bake the clams?

( screams )
Johnny!

Just bury him.

We've got to get him
out of there.
He looks hurt.

I'll get some vines.
We can use them
to pull him out.

Or hang myself.

- It was deliberately dug here.
- But who could have done it?

Oh, I don't know.

But I do know
that as soon as we get him

up out of that hole,
we're getting out of here.

Wait a minute, Pete.
I'll climb down.

We'll need you here
to pull him up.

Yeah, we'll need your
massive bulk up here.

A little peek
into their home life.

- They should just clambake him.
- Yeah.

Okay, start pulling.

Speaking of pulling.

I'm here to tell you
about Mutual of Omaha.

Cuff them quickly.

Well, seems
like a good idea

and hey, good luck
with your "vegable" stand.

I'm gonna go off
and be Kenny G.

So I'll see you later.

Mighty neighborly
of you, Mike.

Take her easy.

Not much traffic
here today, huh?

I wonder if this
was the best location
for my produce stand.

I suppose not a lot
of people have cars here
on the Satellite of Love.

( horn honks )

Whoa. Hey, sounds like
I got me a potential customer

coming down the road.

Yeah, of course
the only guy I know

who has a car
around these parts...

( engine accelerating )

Oh, no!

Jeez, next time buy something.
( groaning )

**

I came here shortly
after the war.

- What did you do?
- You okay, honey?

Guys.

A world
completely free

from any kind
of outside pressure.

Yeah, but what
do you do here?

How do you get any kicks
in a place like this?

Kicks?

Kicks just keep getting
harder to find.

I've found diversions.

Or perversions.

I developed a passion
for hunting.

And Fudge Stripes.

So that's it.
That's why the trap--

No, no, no,
you're quite wrong.

This island
was once the stronghold

of some renegades
from the mainland.

There may be one
or two of them

still lurking
in the jungle.

So that must have been
their handiwork.

All these different animals,
they can't be native
to this island.

They weren't.

You idiot.

But you must know
what money can accomplish.

It's quite simple
to import

any kind of wild beast
from anywhere in the world.

It's a production
of Blithe Spirit.

Other men collect
fame and riches. I collect...

Beer cans.

Trophies.

Thank you.

Man:
Get out of my way!

Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

I thought you had visitors.
I heard these strange voices.

There's a two drunk
minimum in this film.

These young people
stumbled onto my retreat.

All eight of them?

I see that you're
not feeling well again.

That's right. Maybe...

Paws off, pal.

...we shouldn't bother
with introductions now, hmm?

I'll--
I'll go back to my room.

I think that would be best.
You can meet our young
friends later.

I threw up on
your water buffalo.

I hope that's okay.
( hiccups )

'Cause you never get
a second chance to make
a first impression.

...to meet our
young friends later.

Yes.

Thank you.

I'm retir-- retir--
I'm going to sleep.

He's an odd duck.

Dean was once
a very brilliant man,

but I keep him
here with me

because I feel
sorry for him.

And he's an excellent
chess player.

And he looks terrific
in a gingham skirt.

You'll all enjoy his company
when he's sober and you get
a chance to know him.

I'm sure that's right,
but I don't think we'll
get the chance.

We have to leave now.
Our boat's anchored
off the island.

I'm afraid that's quite out
of the question.

You'd never
make it through

this animal-infested
jungle tonight.

But our boat,
the man who owns it

doesn't know
we went ashore.

- He's sure to wake up.
- You can put your minds
at rest.

I have a very
competent staff.

They'll take care
of everything.

We'll leave a light on.

Will you excuse me a moment?
I'll be right back.

I need to check my script.

Tsk-tsk-tsk,
oh, God, look...

Hey, everybody, guess who's
in my living room.
Robert Reed.

Johnny, Johnny,
what are we gonna do?

This place
gives me the creeps.

( squeals )

I don't know.
I kind of like
to see what gives.

Sure, what do you think's
gonna happen

when Tony wakes up
and finds us gone?

He'll head straight
back to port.

Maybe he'll remember
to report us missing.

We're liable to be
stuck here for days.

Don't worry about that.
Tony won't be going
anywhere without us.

What do you mean?

I don't know what I mean.

I made sure of that
before we left the boat
by taking the rotor.

He won't be able to start
the engine without us.

Oh, Pete,
you're wonderful.

That takes care
of the boat.

Hold it.
He's coming back.

I just changed out
of my smoking jacket.

Don't even think it.

She's got a whole lot
of face going on.

May I present my wife?

- Sure!
- Sure!

Sandra, Betty,

Bear.

Jeanne, Johnny and Pete.

I was sure that you would
want to make them welcome
to our island.

Welcome to Death Island.

Naturally, I am glad to see you.

Did you bring Paxil?

Will you be staying
for awhile?

Yeah!

- You see--
- Yes, they will, my dear.

I think I've convinced them
of the foolishness of trying
to leave tonight.

But we don't wanna impose.

It is our pleasure.

We'll make a meatloaf
of some sort.

Isn't it, Sandra?

Of course.

He's working the job.

Now if you'll show
the girls to the
guest room.

And the guest
to the girls room.

- Yes--
- Will you come
with me, please?

And see what the boys
in the backroom will have.

Eva Braun's Bed and Breakfast.

Say, where'd you
get the braids?

I've made arrangements for you
to spend a comfortable night.

On me.

We can discuss your leaving
in the morning.

Mr. Carlin.

Hey, Hartley.
Sorry I'm late. Idiots.

He will take you to it.

- I don't think--
- Good night.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

Everything will be
taken care of.

( evil laugh )

Oh, and he has a tendency
to fondle so please be careful.

Want turn down service?

As for the rest of you-- oh.

Now for some microwave
French fries.

Well, how about me?
Do I care for a drink?

Well, I oughtn't, but--
Well, I'll have what
I'm having.

Ah, I love liquor.
I should gain weight so I
can handle more of this stuff.

White shoulders.

Later that same drink.

- Stuff really works.
- ( laughing )

There's some gin on
the corner of your mouth.
I got it.

Your lips are like
crisp delicious bacon.

We have to be careful.
He could walk in any minute.

And there's spies
all over the house.

I know.

The lion may be watching.

I can't take much more
of this madness, Sandra.

I can't go on forever pretending
to be a useless drunk.

Fun for a while but my liver
keeps shutting down.

We've got to try and escape.
We've got to try again.

But how, Dean, how?

He'd never allow anyone
to leave this place alive.

And we must make sure
no one ever will.

I know.

She's got more face
than she needs.

All these kids here,
I think we got a chance.

What do you mean?

I would go out
of my mind.

Has anyone seem-- whoa.

I was just talking
to Mrs. Nipple-- I mean--

Sandra, entertaining our guest?

That's a trick question,
isn't it?

He looks like an Easter
Island statue.

You've recovered
from your indisposition,
I see. I'm glad.

Thank you.

I was just about to take
a turn around the grounds.

Wouldn't you two like
to join me?

You go out so seldom.

We got this thing.

I was about to go to my room.

My face needs a rest.

Dean?

No. No, thank you.

I was about to go
to her room, too.

I think I'll turn in, too.

Then you won't mind escorting
Sandra to her room, will you?

Oh, ick. Well, all right.

Allow me to accompany you
to my pants. Dean.

Good night.

How banal.

Dean.

I wasn't looking at her butt.

I worked out a very satisfactory
design for living here.

I think you realize that.

I hope you also realize
that the presence of those
four young people here.

Changes nothing as far
as we're concerned.

And I'm still Victor Buono.

I've taken care
of everything.

I don't think he
suspects a thing.

You don't think we're
dreaming, do you, Betty?

It's Rob and Laura's bedroom.

No, this is no dream.

I can't think of a better
explanation, either.

( knock on door )

Hmm? Oh.

It's the boys from the camp
across the lake.

This knob, I love
to touch this knob.

Come in.

Are you all right?

So far. I just can't understand
what's happening to us.

Neither can I.

That big guy that took us
to our room wasn't
very friendly.

I've got a feeling this isn't
as friendly a place

as that Mr. Balleau
tries to make out.

- Shut up.
- I still can't figure out

how it got here on the island
in the first place.

I figure this house was first
built by one of those crackpot
millionaires

about a hundred years ago.

When Balleau found out
about it, he sort of moved in.

That could be it.
He said he had a lot of money.

But why?
I still don't know
what's going on here.

Neither do we.

It's a cinch nobody's
gonna tell us.

So we'll just have to
find out for ourselves.

- Pete: I know. But how?
- Let's split up and
have a look around.

Yeah, but how?

I don't know.
I'm kind of scared.

There's nothing to be scared
about. I'll be with you.

My point exactly.

Betty, you'll be with me.

Now listen, don't get into
anything you can't handle.

If you find out anything,
head straight back here
and we'll do the same.

Okay.

See you at the office
on Monday then. Oh.

Kids, let's go sell
that band candy.

Is it time to report back yet?

Okay, this is where we split.

- Pete, you and Jeanne
go that way.
- Okay.

Robert Reed's part makes it
look like he has a lid
on his head.

I think she's shorter
than she was a minute ago.

You have a few minutes
to take a survey.

I promise to release you
if you swear not to cry out.

And quit licking my hand.

All right, go back to your room.

We'll go with you.

We've got to talk to you.

What's this all about?

Please go back to your room.
We cannot talk here.

Please. There is death
all around us.

You could crack a window.

Okay, Betty, come on.

Hurry.

They progressed a full ten feet
before being captured.

Be careful. There's death all
around us in here, too.

We don't have money
for other sets.

Well?

Something I wanna tell you.

Radishes make me burp.

Unless you do exactly
as I say, you'll never
get off this island.

There, I've said my peace.

Looks like Liberace's in there.

Indiana Nerd
and the Temple of Dork.

( humming )

Am I waiting okay?
Or should I-- wait--
How's this?

I'm waiting.

Both: Surprise!
* Happy Birthday to you *

There's a whole 'nother
room in there.

There's a stairway there
that leads down to some
kind of a tunnel.

So?

Come on, let's see
where it goes.

Please listen to him.

All wight, I'm wistening.

I don't understand any of this.

I'll try and explain it
as quickly as I can.

Grab your friends from
the other room in here.

- They're not there.
- What?

Well, they're out
in the house somewhere.

They're trying to find out
what's going on.

That's where we were
when you stopped us.

That's bad.

- I'll go look for them.
- No, stay here.

One of the stupidest hostages
we've ever had here.

Let's just pray
they'll be all right.

This is where they kneel down
with Kissinger.

What do you know?
A microbrewery. Of
course I can't drink.

An entire cave made out
of garbage bags.

Are we over-investigating?

We need to ask ourselves that.
We should probably hide
under the bed.

You're constantly
clammy, Steve.

( screams )

Cadavers for Algernon.

She's finally the size five
she always wanted to be.

Ow, Susan, you're
squeezing my booster shot.

Come on, it's just a
Jaycees haunted house.

The wall is covered
with Issey Miyake clothing.

- Steve Allen, PI.
- Hmm?

I know what. We'll throw
Gatorade on 'em.

Okay, Mr. Villechaize.
We'll get you back
to your room here.

I wonder what he scores
on the Myers-Briggs Inventory.

Okay, I've decided that phase
"B" of our plan involves
a lot of hiding.

I love this job.

I can dress how I want.

Gulp.

Huh? When did I have
teenagers installed?

Oh, man, getting caught
would have been really awkward

'cause they haven't
been introduced.

This would be
really suspenseful,

but for the fact
that it isn't.

Oh, no, they've stumbled
onto another room.

There's that air hockey game
we gave him that he never uses

and a rowing machine.

Oh, it's their
cotton candy lab.

Are we having
the clambake or not?

Quick, into the vat.

He's changing
the kitty litter.

Nice back porch.

Nipple.

Hi, again.

Employees must wash hands
before leaving dungeon.

Claussen Kosher Ladies.
Never cooked.

Always crisp.

I gotta limit myself
to about three seconds
of looking at that.

Time to rinse out
my silk things.

Man, if it weren't for
my hobbies, I'd go nuts.

Gonna make some of his
famous toe jam.

- Oh, that's just so wrong.
- ( spits )

Sorry.

Oh, it shrunk.

Went a little too far
with the dermabrasion.

I usually don't look good
in flesh tones, but...

That's funny.

Jackie Mason, what are
you doing with my head?

This head should not be here.
It should be on Broadway.

This is one of Jeff Smith's
weirder shows.

It's fun to watch
a craft goon at work.

Mm-hmm.

Here we go, just a
little more, there.

One of my best ones
if I do say so myself.

Now be sure to save
the giblets for the calf.

The Basques are one
of the finest people.

They do wonderful things
with organ meat.

This is too fattening.

I'll get rid of it
so I won't be tempted.

Now to go crunch
some numbers.

Long before Peter Billingsley,
there was this guy.

We are not staying for dinner.

- Would you--
- I can't go!

I can't believe it.
It's just too awful.

Poor Lani.

Every word is true.
I swear it.

-You have to believe us.
- ( knocking )

Not a word about this.

Somebody lend me a hand.

Bad news. The kitchen's
not up to code.

Jeanne.

You'll never believe
what we saw.

Boiled heads?

I don't believe it myself.

We just heard about it.
I guess it's true then.

They told you about
an unbelievable nightmare,
it's true all right.

That settles it.
We've got to try and
get out of here tonight.

Tonight?

Let's just see how
the skin turns out.

Sandra and I have been saying
that to each other every night
for the last year.

But you haven't tried.

Never had the opportunity.

Balleau has always kept us
pretty well covered.

What can we do?

I have a plan
that I think will give us
all a good chance.

We all dress like
Shirley Valentine.

You and Betty stay here
and watch out for Jeanne.
Make sure she's all right.

Johnny, I want you and Peter
to meet me in the trophy room
in a little while.

It's all right.
We have the run of the house.
Only be careful what you say.

What about Balleau?

We don't have to worry
about him for a couple of hours.

- Yeah, he's in the can.
- ( laughing )

He's out in the jungle again.

After another trophy.

( music playing )

Yee-ha, Cambot!

( square dance music playing )

( shouting )

Now get in a line,
get in a row,

grab your partner.
Here we go.

Swing her high
and swing her low.

Don't step on that
pretty little toe.

Now promenade.

Whoo-hoo, yee-ha!

Eating turkey,
eating cornbread.

She ain't skinny,
she's real well fed.

Allemande left
and allemande right.

Allemande left
and allemande right.
Now promenade.

( shouting )

Allemande right
and form a chain.

Now form a star and circulate
to your left.

Ladies...

dosey-do and allemande
and kick ball change.

Now promenade.

( shouting )

Shake for breakfast,
shake for lunch.

A sensible meal
that you can munch.

Lowest prices all the time,
a frickin' splash of lemon lime.

The closed the mart,
the factories, too...

( shouting )

There's no future, no future!

Anarchy! Anarchy!

Now promenade.

( alarm blaring )

- Oh, we got movies to watch!
- ( shouting )

- ( shouting )
- ( laughing )

Stop that.
I'm done with that game.

Yes, every night
that he can hunt.

How can he afford it?

- What? I mean who?
- Who?

Out there in that jungle
there are already several
men that he's driven insane.

With his low prices.

And Now there's also
probably the owner
of your boat.

Tony? He must still be out
in the boat. The engines
won't work.

No, I'm sure that by now
Balleau's men have taken
that boat to the other side

of the island
to the hidden cove.

Hidden cove? Well,
where's that?

I don't know.
It's hidden.

That's where your only
chance to escape lies.

How do you mean?

There are several boats
moored offshore.

Someone will have to swim out
to one of them

and try to make it
to the mainland to get help.

I'm not much a swimmer,
but I'll try.

You ain't much of anything.

I'll do that myself
and Sandra will come with me.

Sandra?

That's right.
She's an excellent swimmer.

And a damn good cop.

And even if we don't make it...

The secretary will disavow
any knowledge of our actions.

...drowning would be better
than what Balleau has in mind
for both of us.

Just be really bad.
That's all's that I'm saying.

Where do we fit into all this?

( grunting ) Where
do we fit into all this?

Man, his shirt is so tight,
you can see his liver.

If the guards find us gone,
divert their attention until
we get to the boat,

and after that I'm afraid
you'll have to look out
for yourselves

until I can come back
with help.

Okay, fine, can we end
the scene please? ( grunting )

Johnny.

What?

It doesn't sound very promising,

but believe me,
it's the only chance you've got.

What is?

I guess we'll have to
take it then.

Good. Now listen to me.
The first thing we do...

Let's kill all the lawyers.

...move to the north shore.

Arrgh! I dreamed I went
to Manderley.

( laughs )

Dating at the College
of St. Catherine.

That looks
like President Bush.

I tell you, honey,
Barbara's got eyes
like an eagle.

I just had a rye
conversation, I'll tell you.

- Did they get away?
- So far so good.

I went as far as the front door
with him. Nobody saw him.

Those guards must be
getting careless.

One of them walked
right by Sandra's room
without checking it.

Hi, we're out of the sea bass.
Just thought I'd tell you.

My name's Whistling Pete
if you need anything.

- Do you think he knows?
- I don't know.

But Dean and Sandra have had
time to get in the jungle.

Do you think they'll bungle?

Let's hope they make it
to the cove.

Oh, damn,
no lifeguard on duty.

Do you think
we should stop here?

I just wanna make
sure the direction.

That guard won't
be back right away.
Yes, that's it.

Dean, I may never get
a chance to say this again.

Never wear a Speedo.

I love you with all my heart.

I hope we'll boil together.
No, I wasn't finished.

Darling, we won't fail.

We can't fail.

- He's unhinging his jaw.
I loved a lamprey.
- Eww!

What? Time for
a little pole-vaulting.

Shouldn't have stopped
back there. This is a much
more dramatic shot.

Hey, he's got an ugly stick.

The new Banana Republic shirt
expands with you.

When are we gonna have
the clambake?

Whoo-woo! That's cold.

Looks like my grandma's house
toward the end of her life.

I splashed some water
on my pits.

- Did you find anything?
- Nope.

I listened to two guards
talking. One of them had
been over to the cove,

but he didn't mention
anything about the boats.

She grew!

What I can understand is
why we haven't heard from
Balleau before now.

You don't think...

Yes, I do.

- I don't know what to think.
- ( footsteps )

Hold it. Somebody's coming.

Here's your towels,
Hartley.

Let's see, which room
had the rumaki?

Oh, yeah, knew there had
to be one of those.

Wocka-wocka-wocka.

What's going on in there,
Johnny?

You game to try and find out?

You don't mean...

Would you finish
your sentences?

The answers to all our questions
lie behind that wall.

He shot the bear
in mid standing ovation.

I shouldn't let
Brian Epstein dress me.

The lion's looking
at me, Hartley.

( laughs )

Well, You don't think that--
you're not saying--
it's not true that--

...find out right now.

This room could use more
of a hunting motif,
gamey feel.

- Yeah.
- I wanna go see the hall
of record muskies.

Look at that up there.
It's a coelacanth
on the wall.

( imitating alarm )

Please bear with me, folks.

Hey, did you know in college
I was an Ursa Major?

I'm kidding.

Good evening.

Welcome to my
production of "True."

This is a pleasant surprise.

I wasn't expecting you,
but I'm glad to see you.

Come in, come in, won't you?

- Don't step in the guano.
- ( fart sound )

I have something I'd like
to show you.

My mermaid outfit.

( woman screaming )

* Mammy, Mammy,
I'd walk a million miles *

Balleau:
Welcome to my private
trophy room.

I'd intended to show it to you
in time, but why not now?

During my Montclair moment.

Now that one I like.

Balleau:
That's Jacoby. He had
strangled seven women

before he found his way
to my island.

We were roommates for a while.

His experience

made him an adversary worthy
of my skills.

You mean you hunted
these people down

and then killed them
and did that, too?

And finished your degree?

Exactly. I hunted them,
but shall I tell you why?

Aw, cripes, yeah, sure.

I've been a scholar all my life.

I've got a GED.

I was curator of a large museum
when the war began.

The Roger Maris Museum.

I who had never killed
anything in my life

found myself assigned to duty
as a sniper, a sharpshooter

because of my steady hand
and keen eyesight.

Fifty monologues
for male actors.

It amuses me now that I found it
distasteful at first.

Or is it distasteful
that I found out?

As time went by,
I adjusted my new activity.

Uh, sir.

What had been an unpleasant duty
became a pleasure.

Then it developed
into a passion, then
into a lust.

And then back into unpleasant.

A lust for blood.

A lust that has grown
with the years

and one that I spent
my entire life trying
to satisfy.

Yeah, I like model building
a whole lot, too.

I've merely preserved my
trophies as they were at
the moment of my triumph.

Wonder if he's considered
commemorative plates.

( screaming )

Well, that pose could
have been a lot worse.

I see that my latest trophy
has really impressed you.

I'm glad 'cause I think it's
the best thing I've done.

So far.

And so does
Hilton Kamar.

Because they tried
to betray me, it gave
me great satisfaction.

Now I think Salty Ron
has pecan ice cream for us.

Salty Ron.

I must leave you now.

Am I being fey enough?

Since you had no difficulty
finding your way here,

I'm sure that when Miss Scott
has regained her composure,

you'll be able to see her
to her room.

Oh, yes.

I have another cliché.

One thing more I'd like
to have you see before you go.

It's called "Captain EO."

Exhibit under repair.

You'll notice that this niche
has room for three.
Or even four...

If you squeeze them a little.

It's a little pricey,
but I think it's worth it.

Tony.

Is this your drunk, Hartley?

Yes. Tony.

Tony. Tony. Tony. Tony.

I think it only fair he should
be here at this time

because he's going to take part
in the game, too.

No, no, please.
Don't send me out
there with them.

I can't stay cool anymore.
This is gonna be so fun.

I've paid you well to provide me
with subjects in the past.

I warned you not to use
your boat for other purposes.

You went inner-tubing,
didn't you?

To allow these young people
to find their way here
without my knowledge.

I think it only right
you should share their fate.

- Do you mean...
- That's exactly what I mean.

Tony was my source of supply
for subjects.

In the past, they were
always convicts escaped
from the penal island.

- ( laughing )
- Stop it.

Now I find him no
longer dependable.

Do you really think
you can get away
with this madness?

Madness? But I've planned us
a pleasant evening's diversion.

See, I knew he was only kidding.
That's just a toy.

That couldn't kill anyone.

You're forgetting
about the boiled heads,
aren't you?

- Is that Alf on the wall?
- I hope so.

Somebody took my bones.

It amuses me and is
also distasteful that
you think that I would--

Did I hit him?

Well, that threw
cold water on everything.

I guess it could
kill somebody.

Yes, it can.

Now go change your pants.

Soon we'll try to prove it.

- Please, Mr. Balleau,
don't do this awful thing.
- Oh, please.

You have nothing to be alarmed
about, young lady.

You're in no danger.
Either of you. Your life here
with me will be a pleasant one.

You'll find me a most
accommodating host.

You think Jeanne and I
will have anything to do
with you

if you send Pete and Johnny out
and kill them in that jungle?

Yes, I think so.
I know so.

No one has ever left this island
dead or alive.

Since the unfortunate incident
involving my wife has left me
without feminine company...

Except for Minnie Pearl.

...to getting to now
you both better, much better.

He bounces back from
a bad relationship.

...sitting ducks out
of Pete and me.

Do you have to hurt
the girls, too?

Hurt them?

Johnny, he really means it.
What are we gonna do?

Oh, how'd that get there?

...wrong person about
your future activity.

Go with Jondor.

Jondor, lock them in their room
and then come back at once.

His real name's Clint,
but Jondor has a certain ring.

It does.

Well, he's
kind of cute, I guess.

I can change him.

All right, madman.

But to return
to your question, Pete.

I know just exactly what to
do up to a certain point.

The rest will be up to you.

Are you listening to this, Tony?
It applies to you, too.

Moonlight's bright tonight
so you will make your way to
the starting point of the chase.

It's in the center
of the jungle.

Eyeball will give you
exact directions.

Eyeball?

The natives used to call
it the Tree of Death.

I call it Bernie.

I'll give you plenty of time
to plan your flight

before I follow
with the crossbow

and just three of these.

Just three shots.
That's all I allow myself.

Or else I get silly.

Very sporting,
don't you think?

- Ah, Eyeball.
- It's Jondor, sir.

Don't you think it's very
sporting of me to allow
myself just one chance

at each of you?

Oh, sure, real sporting.

Frankly, I'm steamed.

In a jungle that you know
like the palm of your hand?

With that thing that could
knock an elephant over?
You're gonna hunt us down.

We have nothing
to defend ourselves with.

Not so fast.
Not so fast.

You haven't allowed me to finish
the entire plan of the evening's
entertainment.

There will be
a light deck lunch.

Here, catch.

Where do you drink out
of this thing?

Tony, it isn't loaded.

Neither am I.
Oh, please just a taste.

...unloaded gun.

It's time to start.
The odds are not
completely one-sided.

Your youth and numbers
against my skill
and experience.

You'll find the ammunition
in the branches of the Tree
of Death.

When that gun is loaded,

my life will also be subject
to how the hunt goes.

Tonight on
"The Hollywood Palace."

Oh. Oh, real good plan.

Let's go to the Tree
of Death right away.

Maybe there's a map that tells
the way to the Tree of Death.

Mr. Owl! Who-who!

Tree of Novelty Items.

Here it is. I found it.

It's Meow Meow Kitty.

( meows )

Why, that rat.

That lousy stinking rat.

Let's not call his names.
It'll escalate into bitterness.

He left only one shell.

That's the way his
twisted mind works.

I don't like a villain.

What do you mean?

He allows himself three shots,
one for each of us.

But we get one shot at him.

I'm just about fed up.

Come on, give me the gun
and let's get moving.

No, you don't, buster.
You just hand over that bullet.

- Don't be a fool, Tony. I'm a
better shot than you are.
- Yeah?

What are you saying,
I'm a drunk?

I slapped Ann B. Davis once.

- No.
- I have.

And I ain't taking any chances
on no amateur.

( imitates gunshot )
Whoops.

Are you done?

Which way should we go?

I don't know which way
you two guys are going,
but I'm going alone.

- So long, suckers.
- Hey!

Now that was really rude.

Wait, come back here!

I liked him.

It's better if we do split up.
It doubles our chances.

- How?
- Balleau can't hunt
in two directions at once.

Now look.
The way I figure

it we must be right about
in the middle of the island.

We'll head that way,
try to get to the beach.

Then work our way back
to the house.

Back to the house?
Are you nuts?

I've got a slight dementia.

- Let's try to find the boat.
- We've gotta try and get
the girls out first.

Balleau said he wouldn't touch--

Never mind what he said.
I know what he meant.

Filthy unchristian sex.

He just kept looking
at the girls. Come on,
let's get started.

I just don't see
how you figure--

Never mind.
We gotta do what we can.

That's the first thing.

They found the Tree
of Interminable Dialogue.

Here's hoping we find the second
thing, whatever that will be.

Heard that.

I'm almost ready, mad doctor
dear. Just freshening up.

The guard is still out there
and wide awake.

And cute.

Even if we do get out
of this room, where
are we gonna go?

I don't know.

We can have a slumber party.

Maybe we could find the boys
and try to get to the boat.

We don't even know
where it is.

It's just no use.

* Where is love *

Am I thinking what
I'm thinking? Hmm?

Use your weighty hulk.

Even this window is locked.

Even the spittoon is locked.

I could make placements
for the children.

Come here, Jeanne.

Move it, move it, move it!

Listen to me.
I've got an idea.

Don't ask any questions.
Just do exactly as I say.

What do you want me to do?

- Here.
- Oh.

I'm Blind Tom, yarrgh!

( clattering )

Just set that anywhere.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Not the Ming spittoon.

I was moving it
and it just broke.

I'm sure I can fix it.
Can you get me some glue?

This is their cutest plan yet.

I didn't mean to break it.

Broke.

It was such a pretty vase.

Damn you all to hell.

( laughing )

New stuff killed.

Jeanne, come on, hurry.

But we need to fix the vase.

Come on, I'll help you
climb out.

Out there?
But we'll be killed.

No, we won't.
There's a ledge out there.

We can work along that
till we come to an open window.

- But what if--
- Never mind. It's the only way.

Come on. Hurry up.

Be careful, too.

Now fly, monkeys, fly!

( hums )

Action foliage.

Jondor, heel.

I got a head boiling.
I should be getting back.

Chopping your own Christmas tree
is harder than you think.

When did he get nude?

God, I admire his jacket.

Brian Benben.

Man, is he Flemish.

I love you this much.

Don't tell me.
We've come to the end
of the trail.

The soul trail.

No, no, it's broken, honey.

I'm disappointed in you, Tony.

You've known me long enough
to realize I wouldn't give you
a gun without first taking

the precaution of removing
the firing pin.

And the distributor cap.

Do you find that hard
to believe?

You see, Tony,
if I hadn't given you the gun,

you would never have given me
the pleasure

of seeing your face
at the moment of the kill.

Wait, it's not a pleasure.

Please, don't do it, please,
I'll never give your
secret away.

I promise. I'll get
you more convicts.

I'll be your best friend.

I'll never make
a mistake again, please.

I got candy bars in my room.

All right, Tony,
I'll reconsider.

But I already have
a best friend, bye.

Thank you.

Can I borrow a shirt
by the way?

You won't be sorry.

Enough of this.
I have work to do.

- You get back to the house.
- Yes, sir, I'll go right now.

I'll make you so proud of me.

Tony.

I lied.

I have reconsidered.

John Steinbeck in
"Of Mice and Murder."

( screaming )

Rail, rail against
the dying of the-- ugh!

Well, that was a good one.

I'm sure I heard a scream.

That figures.
Boy, am I cheesed.

I think it might just have
been a jungle bird.

No, I'm sure it was--
I'm sure it was Tony.
That means we're next.

Come on, Johnny, let's try
and find that boat.

It's our only chance.

We're not gonna do anything
until we get the girls free.
Come on.

The war's this way.

What are doing?
No, I don't want your filth.

Hurry, back to the
Tree of Death. We'll pick up
the other trail there.

It would be ironic
if the Tree of Death
got Dutch Elm Disease.

Yeah, "Stump of Death"
wouldn't be the same.

No.

Aha, we're back
to our room, see? Oh.

Oh, it's like "Cagney and Lacey,
the Attractive Years."

"Snoop Sisters,
the Early Days."

"Where Angles Go,
Trouble Follows."

Well, we made it this far.

Yeah, but where
is "this far"?

I don't know, but it's
closer to far away than
back in that room.

You're deep.

Let's do the whole thing
over again. It was fun.

I just wanna see the boiled
heads. It'd be too bad to come
all the way to this island

and not see the boiled heads.

Betty, my pants have
reached a crisis point.

Come on, we have to find
the secret to bock beer.

Oh, no, that's the door
to that terrible workroom
I told you about.

Oh. Wait a minute.

Maybe we can find a knife
or something in there.

Then we can bone some ham.

Come on.

- I'll go first.
- You've met the heads.

You know, they could
wear the heads and then
escape as someone else.

You've gotta believe me.
There were heads all
over the place.

Hey. The boulya's is done.

We gotta get a couple of these
that we can carry easily.

It's no use,
Betty. Even if we did, I
couldn't use one anyway.

Jeanne, listen to me.

Nobody expects
the Spanish Inquisition.

I'm Pegleg Dick.

Keep away from us.

So you want hush puppies
or rice pilaf with
your lobster?

...I'll use this.
Jeanne, run to the door.
He can only get one of us.

Mr. Balleau told me to take
good care of you, ladies.

Don't come any closer.

Can't you see I'm harmless?

Isn't everyone here phony?

I'm not trying to hurt you.

( screaming )

This doesn't involve you,
Betty.

( laughs )

( laughs )

Can't you see?
Can't you see?

Bob Packwood goes a-courtin'.

So do you maybe wanna go out
and have coffee sometime?

Ugh!

( screaming )

( screaming )

Okay, half off the soup today.

( shouts )

Jeez, he looks younger already.

( gulping )

Wait, I still haven't
seen the heads.

That was fun.
Who's next?

( shouts )

I think I heard the girls say
that if we were ever captured
by an evil hunter,

to go ahead without 'em, okay?

We're lost.
What's the use?

It's only a matter of time
before Balleau catches up
with us.

I don't think we are lost.
The jungle is thinning out.

We must be getting closer
to the beach.

I think that still
qualifies as lost.

So what? I don't mean
to put you down, Johnny.

But you suck.

- If we do find the beach,
then what are we--
- Hold it.

Hey Jondor, has my latest
Ted Nugent bow hunting
magazine come yet?

Come on, we gotta make time.

Be gentle. Oh.

He's in a scene with Robert Reed
and he's the weenie.

( screaming )

Someone's got allergies.

Don't make a sound.

- ( laughing )
- Look, John the Baptist.

They haven't seen us yet.

Back off.

I think it's Charlie Callas.

Can I just get some service?

I can't get out.

Hi, can I help you?
I mean-- ( screaming )

It's quicksand.

Struggle. Keep quiet.

Come on, play Old Testament
prophet with me.

Later. Later.

No, my muffins.

Something scared him.
We gotta get out of here, too.

Next year let's just go
to Branson, Missouri.

I can't. I can't make it,
Johnny.

I just can't make it.

Okay, see ya.

Here, I want you
to have this shirt.

Hey, I'm missing one
of my leeches.

Get 'em off!

You take some off, too.
I'll meet you halfway.

* The night they
invented champagne *

- I think we found a weak link
in the security system.
- ( laughing )

That's the one.
He's the cute one.

Hello, welcome to tonight's

mystery murder dinner party.

- I did it.
- Crow!

- Jeez, ruined everything.
- For crying out loud!

I can't believe that.

( sniffs )
Ooh. Hey, is this whole pie for
me?

Whoops.

( music playing )

Yeah, turns out Rosebud
was his sled.

Yeah, and then "Crying Game"--

Hey, hey, that's--

You think you can make it?

I got a choice?

Boy, I feel really good.
I think I needed that
blood-letting.

- Sure you don't wanna check
my butt for leeches?
- Yes, I'm sure.

I may get a rash
from my wet pants.

Ahh, take that.

Chivalry in case
a woman comes by.

"The Defiant Debs."

Ow!

- Are you hurt?
- No, just my dignity.

And my ankle's shattered.

We're out of that awful house.

Now we'll have to try
and find the boys.

I just hope Balleau doesn't
find them first.

This is "The Osterman Weekend."

Oh, look at this.
The castle's this way.
Come with me.

Daddy keeps his porno.

Twice tonight you've given our
position away and now you can't
even find the trail.

Well, boss, you see, I got
this pinched sciatic nerve.

Oh, cold, oh, cold.

...your own stupidity
will save me the trouble
of getting rid of you.

If I could just voice
an objection. ( gagging )

The leeches will do
their work so well.

You might have made an
interesting specimen for my
museum.

( screaming )

Oh, that's my ride.

I'm sorry, Jondor.

Oh, you are not.

I won't be able to stay
to enjoy your last moments,

for I am urgently required
elsewhere.

Where are the blank checks
by the way? Well, I'll
find them.

Visit the La Brea Tar Pits.

Okay?

It's all right.

We better keep moving then.

We'll never find the boys
just sitting here.

- May I say it just
once more please?
- What?

Member.

I'm scared.

If it makes you feel
any better, so am I.

But we've got to go on.

Just tuck the bone back
under the skin.

Let's go.

Seems like you need a pants horn
to get into those things.

- ( yells )
- ( screaming )

Chew!

- That's Betty.
- And Jeanne.

And weird guy!

Let me baptize
you just once.

How about next Wednesday then?

This guy always sits next
to me on the bus.

It amuses me that someone
is chewing the scenery.

Your island is really
very not-- oh!

He culls the weak
from the herd.

Robert Reed is Buford T. Pusser
in "Prancing Tall."

You all right?

Have we had the clambake yet?

Let's get out of here fast.

I wish they'd invent computers
so I'd have somewhere to belong.

- This movie's back on track.
- Hmm.

Huh? Ew.

- Eww.
- Back at it.

I think it's the others
who are crazy.

I blew it. I should
have said, "Ew-eh",

instead of, "Eh".

You're looking well.

I had thought to permit you
to enjoy the hospitality
of my islands.

while I took care
of more pressing business.

Can I get a grunt
in here edgewise?

I'd rather die than have to
listen to that guy talk.

( screaming in pain )

It kind of hurts.

Oh, so it's you.

Reduce, recycle, reuse.

Older men always
carry handkerchiefs.

And this is why.

I'm kind of anal
about this stuff.

Okay, call me if there's
any pain or discomfort.

Been good talking
to you. So long.

You know,
he may be in danger

of over-harvesting
the game.

I think they're letting
us in on details we really
don't need to know.

Yeah.

The Kraut is a lonely hunter.

I should just put in some
strip malls and be done
with it.

Really not a lot to do
on this island.

Looks like a really
uncomfortable crotch.

I don't know how long we can
hold on to this kind of luck.

If Balleau doesn't get us,
the stream will.

We're gonna have to try
a real grandstand play.

( imitating marching band )

I'd say the whole bunch
is out looking for us.

Good. At least they'll be out
of the house.

Pete, drop down and see
if you can see any signs...

Why don't you drop down
and kiss my pink behind?

Be careful.

I want you to be alive
when I break up with you.

Let me at 'em.

Damn the torpedoes, please.

Hey, dropping down.
Oh, oh, that could hurt--
( mumbling )

It's okay. It's okay, come on.

He's a regular Sacagawea.

I jumped down and scouted
the place out like you
said. I did.

Look, we haven't got a chance
without a gun.

We've got to get back
into the trophy room.

We can't.
We just got out of there.

That's just why we can
take a chance on going
back there.

Those guards will still
be out looking for you girls.

Now if we can shake Balleau

and if we can get back there
before the guards do.

We can get the guns

and maybe have a chance
to stay alive long enough

to find the boat.
Come on.

Did you see me scouting,
honey? I scouted.

I haven't seen a co-worker
for weeks. Oh, well.

I will not let down my vigil.

There's one guard that's not
out combing the bushes for us.

Should we jump him, Johnny?

No, I don't think so.

I think our best chance
is to try and sneak past him.

I gots one job,
but I does it well.

And I eats Robert Reed.

Hey, mister,
can we go in now?

All:
He-he-he...

Maybe I can kill a bush.
Aw, it wouldn't be the same.

I suppose I should have
kept my townhouse
in Manhattan.

Well...

Ah, time for my story.

Wonder if there's
any of that

German potato salad
left in the 'fridge.

( singing in German )

It's just as I remember it.

Are you guys ready for this?
Remote control everything.

- It's locked.
- Are you surprised?

Very funny. Don't just
stand there. Try and find
something to open this with.

This would be the kind
of blood hunt I get in on.

After we get it,
what are we gonna do?

We're gonna try
and get out of here
and find the boat.

Thank goodness.
I don't wanna stay here
any longer than we have to.

Yeah, that oughta do the trick.

That was almost as hard
as the time I went scouting.

Shut up.

Get all the way out there
and my laxative kicks in.

All quiet, sir.

Neck broke.

Get what you pay for I guess.

Wait. I think I have
a neck in here somewhere.

Oh, yes.

Had a great job
as an actuary downtown,

but no, gotta come out
and buy an island.

Look at this.
Lucas McCain's armoire.

I'm the NRA.

There's no ammo here.

There's gotta be.

These guns are useless to us
without it.

- I know.
- Somebody's coming.

Let's get out of here.

Scooby-Doo,
the motion picture.

Shh. I can't stop laughing.
( laughing )

We should be thankful for his
smoking jacket or else he'd
be walking around

- in his underwear.
- Hoo-ooo-oo!

I think I'll settle in
with some Erma Bombeck.

Maybe a little
schnitzelbaum for dinner.

I hope I didn't kill the cook.

This guy looks like
a sockeye salmon
about to spawn.

Those darn Menendez boys.

Oh, good, my lingerie
is still here.

Feel so violated.

Manos.

Wish the bear
would put on some pants.

No cookies, not now,
not ever, never.

You know,
I could sublet this.

( sighs )
Maybe I do have
room for a pool table.

* But a cave is not a home *

This is the biggest bathroom
I've ever seen.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Spalding Gray.

Well than, I'm flattered

that someone should
want a further look
at my little souvenirs.

No one else has ever
come back a second time...

Maybe I'm overcharging.

...alive.

Hello.

It's rather dark in here.

Perhaps we should have
a little more light.

Clap on.

Found me, sir.

Well, let's try elsewhere.

He's regained his sangfroid.

Does he ever take them out
and play with them?

Just switch 'em on all
at once, you showoff.

Well, there you have it.

I call that one
"Lutheran Love ."

There's plenty of time.

I've got fudge.

Strange about these old walls.

Yeah, what's that?

The smallest sound
is amplified.

If one sits quite
still, one can hear
the slightest murmur.

Sometimes even
the slightest breath.

( squeals )

See, I'm suggesting that
there may be someone in here.

Certain closeness
about this place.
I've never corrected it.

It helps preserve my trophies.

Maybe when I retire.

But at times it does make
breathing difficult.

He does this twice a day
and once in a while he
actually finds somebody.

I've sat here so long
that I find I can sit
for hours

and not make
a single sound.

Why don't you demonstrate?

Not a single sound.

( coughs )

I got you. I got you!
I got you!

A single sound.

- A single sound.
- A single sound.

Stay just where you are.

You guys are pathetic.
Look at you.

That's far enough, fellla.
Don't come any closer.

I think it was rather rude
of you to force open
my gun cabinet.

But I'll overlook it
since you spared
my ammunition chest.

Pete, be poker face.

Yes, I know your guns
are quite useless.

No, no.

Fix bayonets.

I wouldn't try that
if I were you.

It would only hasten your death
and that of all your friends.

Okay, Balleau, you win.

I never doubted it.
Did you?

Why don't you get it over with?

Not so fast, my young friend.

I have an idea
that appeals to me.

Let me group you in this setting
alive as you will be in death
for all time.

Well, okay.

- What do you mean?
- I'll show you, my dear.

I've never had the pleasure
of a trial arrangement
of my trophy.

You. Pete.

Over there.

Link, Julie, over there.

Move.

Look over your shoulder
and wet your lips.

And you, my dear,
I think you'd look most
effective with your arms

around Johnny's neck.

Wait a minute. You promised
to let the girls live.

That's right.
I did promise.

But since they obviously
helped you kill the guard,

I'm afraid I can
no longer trust them.

Guard? We didn't
kill any guard.

We didn't steal no bike,
neither.

Honest, the only guard we saw
was at the gate and we sneaked
past him.

Snucked.

Quiet. Don't make a sound.
Any of you.

Not a sound.

Should have had a tech
rehearse the line. Ah.

You, over to my chair

And throw the last switch.

Move quickly, quickly.

Finally Pete's the AV geek
he always wanted to be.

Balleau:
Hurry, the last switch.

Is that the red one, sir?
There are two here.

Which one is the last one?

David Letterman, hey.

You got any salt?
I got a couple of
hangers here.

No leeches in the house.

I warn you.

It's the blue switch.
Here, let me get it for you.

Let's go hide in
the head boiling room.

( grunting )

You see, when lackeys turn
on their masters,

- they become bulletproof.
- No kidding.

Hey, buddy, I love you,
come on.

( screaming )

Yaoow, that hurts! Ooh!

So why this symbolism?
Did Christ hunt people
on deserted islands?

The Johnson coat rack company
issued a recall today.

Take it easy, Betty.
It's all over

and we'll be safe now.

We're free to be rye.

But we're not off
this horrible island yet.

- Those others.
- Don't worry about them.

Now that Balleau's dead,
I don't think they'll
give us any trouble.

He's been so right
about everything so far.

I guess Balleau never thought
he'd be the prize exhibit

in his own museum.

If earlier he had said I'll
never be impaled on my own rack,

this would have been
ironic, but...

( screaming )

( laughing )

( screaming )

- You scared me.
- What the heck are you--

Look, as long as Nelson's
on the loose,

you and I are not safe.

Now keep low
and stick with me.

What?

Tom, Mike's secretly
been hunting us down.

Think about it.

He's just like the guy
in the movie.

- All alone, isolated.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Was a sniper during the war.

He was?

I'm pretty sure, yeah.

Crow, you don't think--

- Hi, guys.
- ( screaming )

That was weird.
We got some letters here.

You guys wanna join
in the letters? I guess not.

This first one is
from Joanne Ross.

Put that on a still.
You can see the nice
stickers and stuff.

Joanne says, "Dear Mike
and the robots, hi.

I love your show. You guys
are the greatest."
Thanks.

"Please do me a favor
if you get a chance.

Would you please tell my mom
that Tom Servo isn't related
to ET?"

Mom, Tom Servo not related
to ET.

There's no
relationship whatsoever.

This next one is
from Kevin Mullins

and it comes
with a nice little picture.

Put the letter up there.
It says, "Dear Cambot, Inc.

I'd like to see more Cambot
on the show." That's nice.

"And if you say no,
I will want to know why."

Cambot, you've been warned.

"If Gypsy flies the ship,
why doesn't she fly back
to Earth?"

It's a good question.
There's no easy answers, Kevin.

Put that little picture up.
It's real sweet. You can
see Crow and Gypsy

and Servo and over here
is Boyd Gaines from the old
"One Day at a Time" show.

So real nice letter.
Thanks, Kevin.

Two, one, go!

- Oh! Hey, what's going on?
- ( laughing )

We wanna hear you promise
you won't hunt us down

and stuff us and hang us
over the mantelpiece.

Guys, you know
I can't promise that.

- ( shouting )
- Just kidding.
I was kidding, you guys.

I knew that.

Back down to you,
Dr. Florentine.

Come on here,
you little rascals.

- Ow!
- He's killing us!

( humming )

( clears throat )

( rings bell )
Mother, dinner is ready.

Mom, dinner.

( laughing )

Say, Clay, nice spread.
What's the occasion?

Don't be silly, Frank.

This is just our typical
evening meal.

Mother, sit right--

It looks great, kid.
It really does.

Don't get me wrong,
but well, Frank and I
are going out tonight.

That's right.
It's Thirsty Thursdays down
at the Tijuana Taxi Company.

- ( shouts, laughs )
- Oh.

And I think I'll just stay
at the Airport Ramada tonight.

I've got an early flight.

But I will see you
at the hearing next month.

- Well.
- ( clears throat )

- Oh, yes.
- Buh bye.

( laughing )

Give me that.

( shouts )

( music playing )

( screams )