Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 7, Episode 6 - The Creeping Terror - full transcript

* In the not-too-distant
future *

* Way down in Deep 13

* Dr. Forrester
and TV's Frank *

* Were hatching
an evil scheme *

* They hired a temp
by the name of Mike *

* Just a regular Joe
they didn't like *

* Their experiment
needed a good test case *

* So they conked him
on the noggin *

* And they shot him
into space *

Get me down!

* We'll send him
cheesy movies *

- * The worst we can find
- * La la la

* He'll have to sit
and watch them all *

* And we'll monitor
his mind *

* Now keep in mind
Mike can't control *

* When the movies
begin or end *

* La la la

* He'll try to keep
his sanity *

* With the help
of his robot friends *

Robot roll call.

- Cambot.
- Show yourself.

- Gypsy.
- I'm not ready!

- Tom Servo.
- Hello there!

- Croooow!
- That's one "O".

* If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes *

- * And other science facts
- * La la la

* Just repeat to yourself
it's just a show *

* I should really
just relax *

* For "Mystery Science
Theater 3000" *

Whoa, whoa. Hold it
right there, fella.

Come back here
and sign in, please.

Hey, what's up, Servo?

Sorry. Company policy.

What? Since when?

Since things
have been getting
too darn lax around here.

You realize just about
anybody can walk up here

on the Satellite Of Love
here and wander around?

But I live here.

You can't expect me
to keep track of every
face that walks--

Let me just drop
these Mole Man comics
off with Crow.

- I'll be right back.
- Now hold on a second.

- ( beep )
- Hello. Crow?

- What?
- Uh, we got a, uh--

Mike Nelson.

We got a Mike Nelson
up here.

You expecting him down there
on that side of the ship?

Nelson.
Uh, yeah. Yeah.

Huh. Well,
sign in, please.

Sign in, too.
All right.

Don't forget the time.

- And that's--
- 11:43.

11:43.

Okay.
I'll just drop
these off.

I'll be right back.

Crow, here you go.

- All right.
- ( Tom Servo mutters )

Whoa! Sign out, will you?

Oh, come on.
This is ridiculous.

Company policy.

We'll be right back.

11:43--
wait. 11: 44.

11:44.

( snoring )

I think we better
wake him up.

He did a couple
back-to-back shifts.

- Servo!
- Aah! Red alert!

Red alert!
Send backup!

Someone's breaking into
the vending machine!

And to think
he's getting $4.35 an hour.

Yeah.

- Ponch and Jon are calling.
- Ooh, hey!

* Clay looks better
in a sweater *

* Washed in...

Let's see.
Put the white cottons
in with the denim.

Where is that
silk dress anyway?

Put the towels
in with the woolens.

And what's this here?

What?

Oh, Nelson.
Come on in.

Laundry day down here--

once a year,
whether there's
a full load or not.

Where was I?
Oh, yes!

Have you noticed
that coffee houses
are all the rage?

Well, I've observed
that coffee houses

are bursting at the seams
with pretentiousness.

Therefore, you can't
even be in a coffee house

and not be pretentious.

Now to prove it to you,
the unbeliever,

I've sent along up
some of the trappings
for a coffee house--

surly waitress
not included.

Clay, where are
your fine washables?

I know I bought
you more underpants
than we have here.

Give me that.

Oh, come on.
I think we can be
in a coffee house

without becoming
pretentious.

Sure!
Don't worry, Mike.

We'll just sit here
and prove them wrong.

I don't feel a thing.

Yeah, it's definitely
not working.

I've been recording
my life in pastels.

The only question
worth asking

is what am I going
through right now?

You, the white male,
are my personal oppressor.

Oh, my!

Yes, yes!
She is so great!

I saw her one-woman show.
Her soul cried out to me.

So I'll take my rage
and box it up,

and take it out
with the trash!

- Thank you.
- Fantastic.

Thanks a lot,
Dr. Forrester.

See what you've done?

You've turned my robots
into self-absorbed
little "poseurs."

A white male
middle-class power-holder
would say that, Mike.

- I'm not a white male--
- Fascist.

- Pig!
- Tell him, sister.

Hoo, hoo, hoo!
Booga, booga, ha!

Pardon my revelry,
put I proved once again

that Dr. Clayton Forrester
is right, right, right!

Well, your movie
this week, Cowsills,

is called
"The Creeping Terror,"

and I just know
you'll hate it.

Thank you!

Hey, I'll show you
creeping terrors.

These grass stains!

Well, don't you
get it, Mike?

The fact that we can
acknowledge our own
pretentiousness

says something
about us as artists.

We're not artists.

Well, maybe you're not,
Michael.

I don't think
any of us--

we got movie sign!

Oh, this thing.
Yes, I suppose I'll run.

Oh, and now this.

Who put hair
in the sink?

That was me.

The things I can do
with my Spirograph!

When spiders
drink too much.

I'm getting ready
to get so scared!

These people saved
with MCI.

Wow.

This is nothing
a good wide-toothed comb
couldn't take care of.

First transatlantic cable
got all screwed up.

Maybe this is a doorway
to another dimension?

Not one of sight and sound,
but of mind.

Nah.

Looks like the inside
of Robert Morley's nose.

This is all I ever see
when I look into
a microscope.

Guys, I tell you,
I want to be
filled with suspense,

but, I...

Tonight at
the Metrodome,

Monster Design
by Jon Lackey.

Then Gogo
the Gorilla.

Oh, no. Kopp.

You know, a steady diet
of staccato

is a bit nauseating.

Don't forget
the Phillips'.

A.J.-- "A Jerk".
Heh heh.

The point of view
of Helen Keller.

Why, it's not
creeping.

This terror
is clipping along
just fine.

A very uninvolving
video game, this.

I get carsick when
I'm not in front.

Darkness at
the edge of town,
all over town.

Boy, am I terrified.

You must be dead,
honey,

after driving
all night.

What time is it?

It's time for you
to get a breath mint.

Almost 4:30.

Wake up,
little Susie.

We should be home
in another hour.

Narrator:
This man's name
is Martin Gordon.

He'll be home
in an hour.

The lovely girl
beside him is Brett,

his bride of two
wonderful weeks.

They have everything.
I have nothing!

It's late August.
They're returning
from their honeymoon

to their home
in quiet, peaceful
Angel County, California.

Yes, they did
the nasty.

Martin's uncle Ben
is sheriff of Angel County,

and Martin is
his senior deputy.

Well, I'm impressed.

Martin has high hopes
of succeeding his uncle

when Ben retires.

Creeping nepotism.

But for now,
Martin has only
the thoughts,

emotions, and pride
of a very happy

newly married young man.

He told me so.

Brett is his,
and he feels no man
could ask for more.

Now without warning,

there honeymoon
was to become a nightmare.

Her mother showed up!

Boom!

Shortly, here,
the nightmare
will begin.

It will be soon now.

Nightmare time.

Oh, Martin!

Ignition was
a little early, but--

...saw the glowing
rocket descend

in the early morning skies.

It was reported
to the sheriff's office

by Jeff, the county
forest ranger.

Jeff reported
to Sheriff Ben

that a plane had crashed
near Willow Creek

and that he was going out
to investigate.

Bob Dole!

...would join him
as soon as possible.

Barney,
Ben's junior deputy,

was to summon medical aid

and to see if
he could rouse someone

at the air authority
in San Francisco.

Barney smoked
in the garage,

and look what happened.

Meanwhile, the bride
made her first meal.

Heh heh.

Oh, you.

Is the band
tuning up?

With ionization?

Now that we need
a narrator, he clams up.

What's going on?

Looks like
Queen Latifah's hat.

I think a Walmart
has landed.

Oh, God, it's
far out space nuts.

Astro-nuts.

It's going to
eliminate!

Oh, look.
The spaceship is cute.

Look at the little nose.

While we're waiting,
I might point out

that Angel County
has great opportunities

for light
industrial development

and for schools.

A Chinese funeral
procession.

What?

He's from planet
Dreadlock.

The pontiff
has arrived.

I was afraid
the alien was
going to be goofy.

Ooh! Man, it's bright.

Should have brought
my Ray-Bans. Wow.

Uh, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you!

Ohayo.
Ohayo gozaimasu.

Ohayo. Ohayo.

And don't come back.

I forgot my purse.

Geez, it's
aerodynamically perfect.

Oh, boy.
My back is killing me.

I came to this planet
because I heard

they had Doan's Pills.

He's trying
to carry off a look

and he's just not
tall enough for it.

Going to sneak in back
of this bush here.

( sirens blaring )

* Indiana wants me

It's Uncle Ben, honey.

Must be an accident
or something.

Yeehaw!

- Neat.
- Honey, not here.

Aw, you newlyweds
are randy.

Now stop it in there!

There's a plane crash
down the road
a couple of miles.

I'm going to be
a little short-handed
till help gets here.

Pull around back of me.

Go on about
your marriage.

Nothing
happening here.

* This is the Army
Mr. Jones *

Come along,
both of you.

Annette Funicello
wore khakis.

Get in, honey.

You have the right
to remain mine.

Okay, now get out, honey.

So, anyway,
we didn't see
much of the Dells.

But we saw
the House on the Rock,
which was neat.

( screeching )

Heh. Still going.

Well, it is creeping.
You've got to give it that.

Well, it turns out
the creeping terror

likes to frolic
in the fields.

Lollygagging.

I think
he's attracted
to that foliage.

Power-walking
just isn't his thing.

Hey, if it landed
right in Sunset Strip,

he wouldn't be
out of place, am I right?

Boom!

I think he's
self-conscious

about his
big old butt.

Well, anyway,
I like being married,

although I do wish
we'd go home at some point.

Would you two
stop making out?

We've got
an investigation to do!

At the location
of the crash,

the discovered
Jeff's truck,

but Jeff himself
was not around.

They proceeded with
their investigation.

Oh, I'm the narrator.

I was just on break.

I hope you don't mind.

Yep. It's a truck,
all right.

It's in park.
It's at my port.

County government
was just getting
organized at this point.

Well, I don't
understand it,

so let's start
shooting.

They looked at the rocket
in utter amazement.

That looks like
a Ticonderoga #2.

A puzzled Ben
finally asked Martin

what he made of the craft.

Martin panicked
and froze.

It's no airplane.

Ben never asked Martin
another question.

Could be
one of our missiles.

This county
has missiles, sir?

Or one of theirs.

Shh. Honey, no.

Whose?

You could be right, honey.

I don't think we have
anything this big.

I know that from
our wedding night.

Whatever it is,
it appears to have

lowered their
intelligence level.

If I could find
a windshield,

I'd give it a ticket.

I'm a sheriff.

Where's that one guy?

The, whatchacallit,
narrator guy?

Hey! Buddy!

Ben could not understand

why the craft
wasn't severely damaged.

He started crying.

- Hmm?
- Huh?

Wait, I've been here.

I'm dead!

Apparently,
Dan Blocker
had been there.

What kind of a man-beast
would wear this?

This hat belongs
to Jeff Peters.

Wow. It's
Jeff Peters' rocket.

Jeff! Jeff!

Jeff, are you in there?

Uh, yeah.
Can it wait?

Martin, go back to my car
and get my flashlight.

I'll just pout.

So you pretty serious
about your husband?

What's my time?

Ben, don't go in there.

You don't know
what's in there.

Go, go, go,
go, go.

I think I hear
moving inside.

Maybe he's hurt.

I got to check
under the movie.

Oh, yeah,
there's a big
mess under here.

Jeez.

Ben, please don't.

( growling )

( explosion )

Ha! That old gag.
Exploding flashlight.

Ben. Ben?

He almost showed
an emotion there.

( growling )

Honey, we got to go
open the gifts
at Mom's house.

Aah!

- ( growling continues )
- ( Ben screams )

Doesn't sound good.

( screaming continues )

Well, he probably
knows what he's doing.

This is the worst
honeymoon I've ever--

Oh, it's my first
honeymoon.

I know he'd want us
to take the sheriff's car.

Car One, calling in.

Reporting large
steering wheel.

I have some bad news
and some bad news.

Here comes the Rocori
sock rabbit high school band!

Within the hour,
Martin's unusual
call for assistance

was answered by
a special unit

led by a Colonel
James Caldwell.

We're the special unit!
Hello!

It took about an hour.

They stopped
at Hardee's on the way.

Let's get going.

There is a branch.
This is not a drill.

Let's go. Let's go.

Move it over.
Let's get going.

Ah, yes,
the days of rampant
military spending.

All right, back
on the truck. Let's go.

We push more logs
before 9 AM

than most people
do all day.

They popped
a little Dave Brubeck
into the tape deck.

Just by moving that tree

an owl has lost
its habitat.

Rose of Sharon's
having a baby!

Aw, somebody
took our campsite.

Okay, guys,
don't frag me again.

Sergeant, take one man
and check it out.

Yes, sir.

'Cause we're
special!

Okay.

Should we go?
I think he wants
us to go.

I'm a'scared.

I'll go first.

After he's done
eating me,

Joe, you go in.

Sooner or later,
indigestion
will set in.

More troops are sent in
to fix the manifold.

( smacking lips,
grunting )

Ah, the original concept
for the Iwo Jima sculpture.

( beeping )

They're going
to force Earthlings

to read their
gas meters.

( beeping )

Great, a race
of ham radio operators.

Yes, this can
all be yours!

( beeping )

Well, they've
perfected the dial.

Are we inside
Television City?

I think so.

And back again, in case
we missed anything.

The prices
on these Kenwoods.

The aliens
must be insane!

( growling )

It's conglomerate rock!

Oh, please.
Just five more
minutes, Mom.

If there's
a whole bunch of
dials in there,

I'll be so jealous.

There's the alien!
Shoot him!

( imitating gunshots )

The sergeant
reported seeing

an amazingly large creature

in the aft section
of the strange craft.

He thought it was
Boog Powell.

He further reported
that it was secured

by a kind of
metal harness

but that the creature
could still move
around somewhat,

and for that reason,
they had not gotten
too close to it.

Plus,
they're yellow.

There was no trace
of either Ben or Jack.

Or Akbar.

The colonel ordered
continuous guard duty

around the spaceship,
and decided to set up

a temporary
military headquarters

at the sheriff's
office in town.

It was a brilliant
strategic maneuver.

Yes, sir.
Jag-off.

Back at the high school,
shop class was cancelled.

By the next day,

Colonel Caldwell
had the situation
well in hand.

k.d. lang.

He had called Washington
and received his orders

from the highest
possible authority.

God.

He was to maintain
tight security

and to await the arrival
of a Dr. Bradford

who had been on assignment

at the Jodrell Bank
Radio Observatory
in England.

Upon arrival,

Bradford was to take
complete charge
of the operation.

* Constant
craving *

...the world's leading
authority on space emissions

Ugh.

and had worked out
a series of systems

that might lead
to communication

with other forms
of life when,

as, and if they
were contacted.

Preposition city.

Martin was outraged

by the government's
intellectual approach

to a monster
that had already killed

and caused the disappearance
of his two close friends.

Not since the Lincoln-
Douglas debate...

Caldwell tended
to agree with him,

but stated that he
had to follow his orders.

It was a real
interesting
conversation.

One of those orders
was to suppress the news

of the deaths
of Ben and Jeff.

Martin was appointed
temporary sheriff

and all news intended
for public consumption

was to emanate
from his office.

What's "emanate"
mean, sir?

The air authority
issued a cover-up story

that a plane had
crashed and burned

and this was to suffice

until the experts
cleared up the mystery

of the visitor
from outer space.

Then they went on
to plot

the Bay of Pigs
invasion.

Hey, welcome
to the show.

In a remote
section of the county,

the first of a series
of tragedies took place.

Is it two ladies?

Tragedies that would
have been avoided

had the public
been warned.

( growling )

* Is she really
going out with him? *

Oh, great.
The monster's
a voyeur.

This is how all teenagers
see themselves.

Poor kids.

The unbearable
whiteness of being.

I'll be there
in about an hour!

If you can just
bear with me.

( growling )

Oh, Jerry!
You wild animal.

Eh, uh-- huh?

Oh, my God!
It's my dad!

We have to get
out of here, honey.

We only have an hour

to eat, have sex,
and then leave.

( imitating monster )

( growling )

Come on, honey.
Let's crab-walk
out of here.

Aah!

Could you at least
not eat my bathing suit?

It's brand new.

You have
a kind face.

You're lucky
you have
thick hair.

( woman screaming )

Well, he's not shy.

You can say
that much about him.

Hey, if you could
help me out by
climbing in...

'Twas beauty
fed the beast.

Wow!

He's fun to cook for,

because he enjoys eating.

The legs are always
the last to go.

Mm-hmm.

Would you eat
like a human
being, please?

This is so rude.

Needs some seasoning.

Last time I eat
Norwegian.

( screaming continues )

Earth girls
are greasy.

Oh, wait.
It's Lent.

I swore off girls.

Oh, well.

I can't believe
I ate the whole thing.

You ate it, Ralph.

Good going down,
but, ugh,

then they just
sit there.

I love you,
spaceship.

( beeping )

- Aah!
- Aah!

Wow.

It's the creeping
newlywed.

I have no idea
what I'm doing.

All you dials
and gauges,

I'm in charge.

At this point,
the director attempted
an arty sort of shot.

That other monster
must be the opener
for this one.

Oh, yeah,
you know...

Danger! Danger,
Will Robinson!

Oh, Mike, you know
that California flag,

the one with
the goofy-looking bear?

California grizzly bear.
They're extinct, you know.

Too bad.

Anyway, I was thinking,
we are many,

and yet we are one
here on the Satellite Of Love,

just like California.

And so I made us a flag.

- And, Mike--
- Yes?

( shouts )
Hup!

Mike, would you
help us raise it?

Yes.

Okay.

I pledge allegiance
to the flag

of the Satellite
Of Love,

free, united,
glorious, fruited,

that grand, bi-lobed orb
borne of the loins
of our founder

Jacques Duperjean
Juanacapeduay,

former claims adjuster,

rebel with
alabaster symmetry

and golden
dreams of Xanadu,

once satellite
under God-- or not--

indirigible, with liberty
and justice for all.

- Thank you.
- ( gun pops )

Oh, one last thing,
Michael.

Check your nightstand.

You'll find
a cyanide capsule

in case we're ever taken.

I'm not taking cyanide.

Well, aren't you
one of us, Mike?

Well, cyanide
goes to my hips.

Ah, a Tory, eh?

Outsider!
Revanchist!

- Provocateur!
- We'll be right back.

Do you not know
that you have

only one life
to live of the blood?

Give me liberty
or kill me!

Hmmm?
Hey, my hat.

Well...

No. I'm not-- no.

Red. Commie.

While they were awaiting
the arrival of Dr. Bradford...

Bradford.
Barney.

...instructed Barney
on the advice
of Colonel Caldwell

Colonel Caldwell.

to plant in the local papers
the news that Ben and Jeff

had taken off
on a fishing trip
to British Columbia.

And Jeff.
Right.

The colonel had impressed
the bereaved families

Colonel.

with the necessity
of maintaining secrecy.

Hmm.

These brave relatives
had agreed.

After being beaten.

Ooh.

So should
we have at it
again, honey?

Well, I think
you're a wonderful
acting sheriff.

Despite Brett's inquiries

about what Martin
had seen in the spacecraft,

he avoided
specific details

for fear of disturbing her
more than she was.

What's she doing?

If the truth were known,

Martin was more
than a little
disturbed himself.

Now, cough, honey.

Shortly thereafter,
Dr. Bradford arrived.

I said, Dr. Bradford
arrived.

He was a much younger man

than one would
imagine him to be.

I have no
preconceptions.

I'd like for you
to meet Dr. Bradford.

I've heard
a lot about you
from the colonel.

Nothing bad, I trust.

Handsome, aren't I?

Martin
and his wife were in
the original party

that found
the fallen craft.

I was sorry to hear
about your uncle.

Tough break.

Which one of us
is talking?

Yes, thank you.
A couple hours of sleep
did a world of good.

Bradford thanked the colonel
for his assistance,

and then asked
to speak to Martin.

Martin, have you noticed
how young I look?

Bradford questioned Martin

about everything
that had transpired.

Well, we met
and got married.

Martin did his best
to recall everything

in precise detail.

( imitating funk music )

That two soldiers
that entered

the rocket earlier
had been summoned,

and Bradford hoped
to learn more from them.

No, I'm only 35.

The doctor himself
would not enter the rocket

until the arrival
of certain equipment.

And fresh underthings.

From his discussion,
it was apparent

that the doctor
considered this situation

a magnificent
opportunity for mankind.

He celebrated
with a Chesterfield.

He felt that
if he could communicate
with the creature,

it might be possible
to advance human knowledge

by years,
or even centuries.

Or maybe
just a few days.

The spaceship alone signified
an intellectual development

far in advance
of anything on Earth.

Especially these two.

Martin asked him
how he intended to

protect himself
from the creature.

Bradford said
not to worry.

Then he
slapped him.

He hadn't come here
to be victimized

either by his own
of the creature's fear.

Go ahead.
Punch me in
the stomach.

Come on!

Oh, it's so fulfilling
being married.

There.
Our one plate.

Martin invited
the alien

home for supper
without telling
his wife!

D'oh!

Martin keeps
his softball glove
above the stove.

Okay, it's not going to
look like meatloaf,

but it is.

She boils it.
I don't know why.

Ugh.

Eh, just eat.

She's getting
the breakfast dishes

done just in time.

Hi, honey.
Pregnant yet?

I'm pretty sure
this is my house.

I haven't
lived here that long.

Why don't you go in
and check it out?

You grab the stereo,
I'll get the silverware.

Shh. Give me
the chloroform.

Ah, the Menendez
brothers come home.

It's nice how
they're so playful

after the day's
murder and mayhem.

( no audible dialogue )

I hope she comes out
and blows him away.

Wow.

Love how you put
the medicine cabinet
in the living room.

Operation
Mild Surprise

is going
really good.

Boy! When law enforcement
gets playful, huh?

Oh, hi, honey.

Boy, three days
and it's still like

they're just newlyweds.

The deputy
and his siren.

Office Third Wheel.

Aww.

Wow. What happens
when she cooks well?

Ahem.

I could use
a lozenge!

Did you bring home
your longtime companion?

Oh, hi, Barney.

We'll be right out.

That's all right.

Just take your time.

I won't listen
or anything.

I didn't know
we had company.

Look at me.
I'm a mess.

She's saucier
than this town deserves.

Don't be impolite.

Go get the drinks.

Martin's lipstick
was smudged.

Now you're talking,
honey.

What'll you have,
Barney?

Your wife!
I-- oh, shoot.

How about
a bourbon and Seven?

Coming up.

Would you get
the Seven, honey?

Heh. I'm a bartender
and it's fun.

Oh, it's all gone.
How could that
have happened?

The young couple keeps
a lot of booze on hand.

Booze hands.

Boy, honey, it's like
we never run out

of things to talk about.

And there's
your chaser.

'50s entertaining
at its most
sophisticated.

Back when America
was on top
of the world.

Hey, get a load
of this clear beer.

You had this yet?

Barney, you should
try marriage.

It would do
wonders for you.

Just try it.

My answer is...
yes, Martin, yes!

Barney and Martin
had been bachelor
buddies for years.

But it is love?

Now that Martin
was settling down
into marriage.

they were slowly
drifting apart.

Barney, naturally,
was still dating
all the girls in town.

Naturally.

...didn't understand
why Brett and Martin

didn't pal around
with him

more than they did.

They hate cops.

He couldn't comprehend

that married life
brought with it

not only new
problems and duties...

What's the narrator
talking about?

He's way off script.

He's a renegade narrator
on the loose!

Boy, let me tell you,
he's nuts.

He never plays
by anybody's rules.

But he gets
results!

...felt that he was.

Hey, want to get back
to the script?

Since time began,
this change
in relationship

has probably happened
to all-- ( audio skips )
in similar circumstances.

Life has its way
of making boys grow up.

Oh, yeah.

And with marriage,
Martin's time had come.

His life was now Brett--

a life that he
thoroughly enjoyed.

Let's watch them
enjoy each other.

So are you guys
in the mood
for Italian or--

I guess not.

Well, I got all
the girls in town
waiting for me.

So...

Mmm. Barney,
don't go. Mmm.

The other guards
don't understand you
like I do, spaceship.

Shh. More later.

I can't resist.

Show the monster
a mirror,

he goes nuts!

I want that guy
to get partially eaten

and then spat out.

Are you glad
you used Dial?

Mmm. Eh.
Not that great.

Not like I thought
it would be.

Starman.

Oh, no, the thing
is going kerflooey.

And the doohickey's
going like the deal.

Oh. You know,
it's a federal law

to keep your monster
in a car seat.

Bye, honey.

I'll make it home
from here.

The next morning,
Betty Johnson, as usual,

blew a good-bye kiss
to her husband,

but for the last time.

Once
a homecoming queen,

always
a homecoming queen.

It's Bess Myerson.

It's not really
a tent dress.

It's actually a tent.

( baby crying )

Did I have a baby
while I was waving
good-bye?

- Aww.
- Aww.

( cooing )

( cooing )

Give me ten,
soldier.

Well, how's my
little boat anchor.

It'll be really
interesting

dealing with this crap
the rest of my life.

Poor baby.
Let mommy take
your temperature.

No! Now get lost!

Uh, I don't think
I want to watch

what's about
to happen here.

Unh-uh. No way.

- Stop right there.
- Please, stop.

- Don't.
- Wait, wait.

- Oh, no.
- You're going to
put that where?

I'm not sick!
I'm fine!

Look,
I'm feeling better.

Thunk.

Ow. You'll pay
for this.

Maybe it's my hair
that's setting him off.

Hmm.

( shudders )

Well, at least
we're not hearing
Bruce Willis

make snide comments.

Yeah.
True, true.

The first director
to realize

the dramatic potential
of a rectal thermometer.

Hmm. A little dirty.

Might want to consider
flushing the system.

Poor baby.
You'll feel better soon.

How about
picking him up

or feeding him?

Well, that's done.

Now I have
the whole day
to myself.

( humming )

Well, my love
deprivation experiment

is going well.

Gee, such a bright
and cheery baby room, huh?

Whoa! Daddy's home.

Man, it's hot in here.

Hey, Phil,
which way you going?

Everybody in line
back there?

Yup!

At Moe's Carpets,
we're cleaning out
our inventory.

It's a chapel-length
veil.

Meanwhile,
in a Kurosawa film.

( whistling )

Well, here's another
really satisfying
part of my day.

Hanging laundry.
Maybe I should just
hang myself.

Aren't you supposed
to wash them first?

You can leave
babies alone
for awhile.

They're
usually okay.

So now it's trying
to become a taut
domestic drama, eh?

( rumbling )

They're just downwind
from Los Alamos.

- I guess.
- Ignore it.
Ignore it.

Just keep
hanging clothes.

It has nothing
to do with your life.

Oh, gack!
She had that
pinned to her tongue.

What?

Is that a less
dreary existence

I see out there?

I'm in
a hydrangea bush.

Wow, now this is a very
interesting situation.

The bushes mock me.

Lot of aphids this year.

Big ones. Mean.

Wow.

Hey, those are
power lines!

Bzzt! Bzzt!

It's a clothes encounter
of the third kind.

- Ha ha!
- Boo.

I got to get
more colors.

When Tom Wolfe's wife
does the laundry.

Maybe if I just zip by,
she won't notice me.

Hi! Gate was open.
Just let myself in.

Can I borrow
some Downy?

Okay, come on over.

Just don't take
your shirt off.

I hate this town.
Take me with you.

Ha ha! Ha ha ha!
Oh, Chairy, no!

Can I get some
service, here?

( baby crying )

The poignant
laundry shot.

Tell me more secrets
little rocket friend.

Shh, shh. Shut up.

Wow. The monster's dryer!

Turn it off.
You're flooding it.

Oh, the kids
have to have

every appliance
in the house on.

Even the narrator
got eaten.

How many shots
of gauges do you need
in any one movie?

You can never
have enough.

I should have gone
to DeVry instead
of Harvard.

- What's this do?
- Take this!

What the hell
am I doing, anyway?

Now, just adjust this
so I can watch
my stories.

( beeping )

There. That's it.
You killed it.

Huh.

Okay, kids.

Please disembark
to the right

and then follow
the exit signs.

( whistling )

That's a keeper.

Meanwhile, Opie
and his therapist
go fishing.

Son, you and I
should really check out
the Village folk scene.

Grandpa, can I go
for a walk?

All right,
but stay close by.

Hey, he's
a matryoshka doll!

There's six more
of him inside!

Let's see.
We'll put this here.

No, no. Over there.
There. That's good.

They have a really
good strategy

of not alerting anyone.

( humming )

Grandpa's psychosis
is ruining this trip.

Seems like he's
in a good mood now.

He's part
of the Really
Big Brother program.

Did I just hear
a monster licking its lips?

Wow! Cannabis.

Hmm. Guess the monster
isn't as big as we thought.

Ah, yes,
the beautiful
lizard quartet.

Oh, please,
I haven't eaten
anything in days.

Cruelty
to small animals

is one of
little Bobby's
few outlets.

* Go tell that--

* Tell that

Huh?

Bobby! While
you're up there,

grab me
a porterhouse, too.

He's abdominal-riffic.

And a baked potato.

Bobby?

And a cake, too.
And some Yoo-hoo.

Don't make me
stand up, Bobby.

You know I can't.

Let's see.
I'll put it
right here.

No, right here.

This is a portrayal

of deep
clinical depression.

Suddenly it's
"Wild Strawberries".

Let's see.
Stick, sharpen,
Grandpa!

Do I smell bacon?

Bobby has often
observed his
parents at night.

Bobby doesn't have
a lot of friends.

Uh-oh. Here comes
the most challenging
scene in this movie.

Bobby!

I'm the pirate king!

Huzzah!

Euell Gibbons
has got to cut back
on the pine nuts.

Bobby!

Wow, Bobby really
does not want to go
fishing anymore.

He has a manic
interest in nature.

The whole world
is this guy's
salad bar.

And Bobby's hopelessly
inbred synapses

slowly begin
to fire.

Maury Firestein,
kosher game warden.

Bobby! Bobby!

Oh, wait.
His name's not Bobby.

Uh, Steve! Steve!

You know,
making Allan Sherman
an action hero

was not a great idea.

Bobby?

Bobby. Bobby.

Bobby. Bobby.

Oh, Bobby shed
his antlers.

Kill, kill,
kill, kill...

Bobby.

Go, go, go, go...

Kill, kill,
kill, kill...

Whoa. I can always
make room for this guy.

Bobby?

Have you
seen Bobby?

Oh, no.
Probably not.

No, no.
Trust me,
I'm all gristle!

I taste gamey,
believe me!

Don't!
Don't, please.

Ironically,
now the fish
are biting.

D'oh.

Hey, he's making
his own broth.

Let the current
take you away!

Swim!

( shouting )

Bobby?

Help! Help! Help!

And the world
has one less Santa.

Meanwhile,
in second-hour Bio.

Within 48 hours,

Dr. Bradford had
closely examined
the creature

and the spaceship...

I've closely
examined the creature.

and reached a number
of conclusions.

He was sure the creature
had come from beyond
our solar system

because it adapted
to our environment
so quickly...

It adapted to our
environment so quickly.

and no planet
or dead star near us

has conditions
similar to the Earth.

It was a half-cocked
theory, but...

Of much interest to him
was the hull of the ship.

The hull of the ship.

It was composed
of an alloy

unlike anything
human science had
ever encountered.

Not buying it.

The doctor had run
a number of tests
on the metal.

Look up there.
It's Phyllis' daughter.

Oh.

Because there was
no food on board,

Bradford presumed
the creature had been

in a state of
suspended animation,

particularly because
it had survived

the trials of reentry
and impact...

It survived
the trials

of re-entry and impact
without the--

So far,
he had no success

in communicating
with it.

But he had not yet
exhausted all
possibilities.

Like candy
and stockings.

On a more
subjective basis,

he had the curious feeling

that the creature
did not want to
communicate with him.

He just wanted
to eat.

Such a confession
on the part

of this eminent
scientist

made Martin feel
quite apprehensive.

And dumb.

Then a cold front
moved in.

A low-pressure
area out of Canada...

Mike, I think it's time
we blew the lid off
"Love, American Style."

Gypsy, I think
you're right.

Hit it, Cambot!

All:
* Da da da da

* Da-a-ah
da da da da *

* Da da da da da da

* Da da da da da!

* Da-a-ah da da da da
da da da-a-ah *

* Da da da da-a-ah

Mr. Martinson, please!

But I just want
to dictate to you!

* Da-a-ah
da da da da da *

( vocalizing )

Well, I'm finally
going to propose
to Debbie.

That's great.
Let's see the ring.

Oh, no!
The ring is stuck!

I guess we'll
have to get married!

( vocalizing )

( vocalizing )

But I thought that--

Well, I thought
that you--

This has all been
a big misunderstanding.

I love you.

( vocalizing )

So take that,
"Love, American Style!"

Now I hope
they have the sense

to take it off
the air

and the courage
to show this parody.

And they say there's
no hard-hitting satire

on television anymore.

I dare them
to show it.

Whoa!

Movie sign!

We got to
get out of here!

Come, see the monster.

Don't you ever miss it.

While on a routine call

to pick up instructions
from Colonel Caldwell,

Martin received
an urgent message
from Barney.

* I love you

Barney was at Willow Creek.

He had responded
to a phone call

from a frantic
Mrs. Brown.

* She's got
a lovely daughter *

Her husband
and grandson
had gone fishing

and were long overdue.

* I'm in love

Barney was instructed
to organize a search
party locally,

and to report
the results to Martin.

And to organize
a discussion group.

Because of security
regulations,

he was not
to come near

the area
of the spacecraft.

Or anybody's area.

Martin said he would
join Barney later
if he could.

And watch him
and his wife
make kissy-face.

They should put
a door on the outhouse.

I got to quit
doing this.

I can't control it
anymore.

I'm a sick man.

"Angel Sheriff,"
this fall on NBC.

Acting on a hunch,

Martin decided
to see for himself

if the monster
was still there.

It was.

Case closed.

Bradford had
installed TV cameras

inside the spaceship

and was testing
the creature's reactions

to sound, light,
electricity,

color, and air pressure.

And "The Red
Skelton Show."

When Martin asked him
if he had any luck

in communicating
with the beast...

He hit him.

Bradford confessed
that he hadn't,

but would try again
when certain data

was returned to him
from computer processing.

You like me,
Bradford?

It was at this time
that Bradford came up

with a frightening theory--

namely that the creature

might be a product
of engineering--

the same engineering
that built the spaceship.

And dome homes.

...was why some form
of communication

had not been built
into the creature.

Martin was out
of his depth now.

When Martin asked him

if this weren't
something to worry about,

Bradford said no.

Don't hit,
please.

Probably his own failing

at not being able
to establish communication.

I'm just
paraphrasing, here.

It seemed to Martin
that if Bradford's
theory were correct,

humanity might
be in grave danger.

From a Hoover
floor model.

Bradford dismissed
Martin's fears

by pointing out
that the creature

was not exhibiting
any signs of violence.

Aside from
eating people.

Besides, it was firmly
secured by the harness.

That afternoon
in Mungreeve Park,

a group of neighbors
got together

for a hootenanny.

Hoot! Hoot!
Hootie-hoo!

( singing )

And Maria taught
the Von Trapp
family to sing.

And Trini Lopez puts on
an impromptu performance.

* I am glad...

This is my favorite
part. Listen.

* As that bird...

There's only one stage
of grief in this town,

and it's acceptance.

* Left me alone

* And did not
marry me *

I thought
Dave Van Ronk was
going to be here.

He's a rip-off.

Come on, Evelyn.
Let's blow.

* I tried

Send help!

* To forget her

I admire
their willpower.

* But I'll still
think of her *

What a lovely
spot to get killed.

* Till the day
that I die *

( chuckles )

Oh, no!
The monster did
a doo-doo!

Wow.

Teehee-hee-hee.

These hootenannies
just get me going.

Teehee-hee.

I'm in love,
Jim.

Ah, "The Young
Peter Graves Chronicles."

What is it?

Just our
impending death.

Oh, no. They've
wandered on to

a federal
monster reserve.

Make the leaves
go away.

Oh, no!
They're about
to be attacked

by a point
of view shot!

Ah, no thanks.

We don't want
any carpet.

Thank you.

We'll wait here
while you kill us.

Watch the hair.

Aah!

Making out kills.

Who dare ruin
my folk fest?

El Kabong
will kill it!

You stay there.

Stay calm.

Okay.

Someone is finally
standing up
to the monster.

That's right.

Only Tom Paxton
can save us now.

Finally putting
his guitar to good use.

Have the Army
send in bass
and drums!

Years later,
Pete Townsend
would perfect this.

Did anyone in the '50s
ever think of running?

Oh, now this-- this is
outright gluttony.

He's depressed,
so he just goes out

and eats some campers.

( woman screaming )

Like a giant Popple.

( humming )

Today,
the music world mourned

the guy who
owned this guitar.

In response to a multiple
missing persons report,

Martin and Barney
searched the countryside

for the group
of picnickers.

I can fix it.

The only trace
they found of them

was the remains of a guitar
one of them carried.

And some
potato salad.

This wholesale disappearance
of a large group of people

coupled with earlier
missing persons reports

led Martin to only
one conclusion.

Folk is dead.

There must be
another monster,

and it was
on the loose.

The filmmakers went
back to this building

every time
they needed a shot.

Yes, Mother. Yes.

The colonel listened
to Martin's theory,

and after consulting
with Bradford,

decided to call
Washington.

He was told to follow
his own good judgment...

Uh-oh.

but under no circumstances

was he to alarm
the populace.

The colonel decided
to organize

a county-wide search.

And bake sale.

Martin's assignment
was to search

the north end
of the county.

He needs
to walk faster

to maintain
an adequate heart rate

and burn off
all those calories
from those people.

His wife,
on the other hand,

can eat anything
and not worry
about it.

I hate her.

You know what
would work for him now?

Kind of a low-rise pump

rather than
those Birkenstocks.

I can't believe it.
I'm hungry again.

While Martin and Brett
were engaged by the search,

the monster
was moving toward
the community dance hall.

Where a close-knit
community mourns its dead.

( music playing )

Well, I assume
the authorities

aren't keeping
anything from me,

so let's dance!

* Yeah,
here's my torso *

* Torso, there's a torso,
look at torsos *

* Just sing
my torso *

* Sing her torso,
look at torsos *

Timothy Leary
and Estelle Parsons
get down.

Whoo!

I'm surprised
we got this
good a turnout

with everyone
being dead and all.

You know,
everyone was
forty back then.

Boy, these Huey Long
fundraisers are great.

Apparently,
the monster ate
the decorating committee.

Just a good thing
drugs came along.

I'll say.

This town desperately
needs a leather bar.

Even a dairy bar.

The mid-afternoon dance
is a big success.

* Wa-wa-wa-tubba
wa-wa-whoa *

Yeah.

You can see why
the British Invasion
was so easy.

* Wa-wa
whoa whoa *

* Buh-la-la,
oh, lady *

( humming )

There is just plain
no need for sex.

We'll all be just fine
without it, dear.

That's right.
You tell 'em,
Sarah.

This dance
is a tribute
to the treble clef.

Even the A.V. Club
laughs at these guys.

They dance to forget
their desperation.

If my deepest,
darkest despair
had choreography,

this would be it.

Sponsored
by Thom McAn.

Hey, no street shoes
on the gym floor.

Your parents
before you were born.

Hey, there's
a hair on the--

hey,
there's a hair
on the thing--

- Big one.
- Would you--
thank you.

And as ever,
the Baptists remain
on the sidelines.

This was the unsuccessful
pilot for "Soul Train."

I can see why
they need a rest.

Yeah. Wow.
Towel down.

Hey, where'd
the tablecloth go?

Shh. Don't bother it.

They're so beautiful
in the wild.

Oh, yes.

I need
to find somebody

who's rich
in antioxidants.

Must get to dance
before punch runs out.

Will the monster
marry Susan?

And what about
their baby?

Tune in tomorrow
and find out.

( music playing )

Okay, one more dance,
but it'll cost you.

Oh, good.
They're playing
my request.

Now, girls,
I can't marry
both of you!

One more drink
and he'll be attractive.

Oh, I'm embarrassed
for them.

( humming )

Ah, now she's
a divorcee.

( squeaking )

I hope
I didn't overdress
for this thing.

Finally, here comes
someone with rhythm.

Thank you.

* Rump, rump,
rump, rump *

* Rumpety rump,
rump, rump, rump *

* Rump, rump

* Rump, rump, rump

* Plenty of rump

It's Marty
on his date.

* Here comes
some juicy rump *

* A little
more rump here *

* A little
more rump there *

Yee-ha.
Yee-ha.

Stood up by a monster.

Oh, sure.
I'll meet you here.

Why, I oughta...

Monsters!
They're all alike.

To hell with this.

This is not jazz!

Come on, Rita.
I've had enough
of that guy.

Sorry, folks.
Should have told you
about the subplot.

Even caught me,
the narrator,
off guard.

Hey, David Carradine.

Yeah.

Hi. Dave.

He's been
a bold drunk,

and now suddenly
he's surreptitious?

Oh, his date
is so humiliated
right now.

Uh, Susan,
I can't seem
to stop. Help.

I got to get in there.
It sounds so hot!

Hope I didn't
miss the part

where they
throw the bouquet.

Everybody okay
back there?

Why didn't
I park closer?

Hey, even
the chemistry teacher
can shake his booty.

It's Oskar Schindler
and the Boston Pops.

It's an
all-chaperone dance.

* I've got
the music in me *

* Come on,
take me to funky town *

Never eaten
a whole prom before.

* But Patty likes
to rock 'n' roll *

* The hot dog
makes her lose control *

Whoo!

Wow, her heinder,
it's out of control!

It's got a mind
of its own!

I don't blame him
for ogling.

What are you
looking at?

Aah! The DT's!
Get these bugs off me!

Oh, wait.
I'm a bug.

( gurgling )

Whoo!

He's a maniac,
and he's dancing

like he's never
danced before.

Man, if I don't
score tonight...

Aah!

I know, I know,
it's a cheap suit,

but it's all I had.

Why is everybody
looking at me?

My God,
what is it?

( laughing )

Uh, Mr. Monster,
we need to
stamp your hand.

( suspenseful music playing )

Music's better.

- What the--
- What?

Wow.

Hey, enough
with the subplot.

I'm trying to
attack you guys.

Keanu Reeves
has it out with
Ed Begley, Jr.

What?

I'm disgusted.

To think I've been
eating these clowns.

Anybody sitting here?

Everybody leave
in a slow, leisurely manner.

Anybody want to dance?
Come on?

Hey, everybody,
look at my tracheotomy!

Wait, I'll do
the cigarette trick.

What's the panic?
He's on clean-up committee.

Yeah.

Excuse me,
is this the way
to the cafeteria?

It's so hard to be
the new kid in school.

You sure
you're not looking

for the Feinberg
wedding, sir?

Just making my way
to the buffet, folks.

You guys going to Todd's?
I'll meet you there.

I'll catch up.

Sheer energy!

Please, I'm not ready
for an open mouth kiss.

Hey, it's actually
pretty cool in here.

Meanwhile,
in a totally
different movie

in a completely
unrelated high school.

What the Sam Scratch?

Who is this?

Fight, fight.
Doesn't anyone
eat anymore?

( growling )

I'm just going
to sit in with
the band for a few.

Rowr! Rowr!

Oh, no! I got--
oh, hi, Debbie.

Good to see you.

How are they going to
explain this

in the
"Angel County Herald?"

Oh, I'm done.

I've got to push myself
away from the table.

I know what happens.

Now pig's blood
is going to be
dumped on his head.

Could I see
a dessert menu,
please?

Be kind of ironic
if he had a tapeworm, huh?

Yes.

Where's Frederick,
our usual maître d'?

Go ahead, honey.
He's being friendly.

Now he's just
gulping his food.

This is--

I think this is kind of
a weird little turn-on
for the director.

Oh, hi, Joanne.
Scooch over.

I love you,
you big lug.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Thank you.
Thank you.

What's great about
this monster

is he can pretty much
be his own sleeping
accommodations.

Hey, knock it off
in there!

Settle down!
You're kicking my--

Oh, no! He's choking.

Someone give him
the Heimlich maneuver.

He died with his
bowling shoes on.

Well, hello, ladies.

Monsters think
we're weird

because we chew
our food.

( burps )

You know,
this monster

was up for a part
in "Naked Lunch."

Oh, really?

I need some juice
or something.

Man, people are salty.

Chris Isaak!

Break time, honey.

While Martin and Brett
were taking a break
from the search,

a call came through
which confirmed
Martin's theory.

This movie sucks.

Colonel Caldwell told them
of the monster's attack
at the dance hall.

In graphic terminology.

His troops now had orders
to destroy the monster

and he asked for
Martin's assistance.

Martin declined.

Martin said he would
join the colonel

as quickly as possible.

Were it not
for his trick knee.

- John.
- Marsha.

- John!
- Marsha!

- John!
- Marsha!

- John!
- Marsha?

Say what you will
about this planet,

they throw
great dances.

You know
what I could use?

A mint. Blech.

Ah, they clear cut
a virgin forest

so people
could make out.

The monster next appeared
in Lover's Lane.

To a sold out crowd!

Anyone who experience
that catastrophe
and survived

would never
go there again.

And those
who did not survive
such a catastrophe

also would not
go there again.

Okay, now this time
I'm going to give
you guys a head start.

Trees aren't that great
after you've had people.

What? Lover's Lane,
eight miles? Oh, man!

Well, he's
a little dizzy.

He ate too much
of his Halloween
people, huh?

And just who
am I supposed
to make out with?

Oh, no.
In the Heart of the Beast
puppet theater is here.

I'll just sneak up
and surprise them...

tomorrow.

Honey, I think we've
got creeping terror.

( growling )

Not in front
of the monster,
dear.

Marissa Tomei!

This is too easy.

( imitates chewing )

Uh...

Eh, Mike?

Well, you see,
when a monster
and a small car

love each other
very much--

Wow.

People melt
in your mouth,

not in your car.

He's mistaken the car
for a lady monster!

- Ooh!
- Oh, wow.

Why doesn't
the monster
take the car

so he can get
his work done faster?

Well, that was
a new twist

on an old trick, eh?

That was good.

Now for the people
in the Oldsmobile.

And the Beta
Kappa Chi float

wins the homecoming
parade.

Oh. He always comes
to Lover's Lane alone.

Well, if that
don't beat all.

I wouldn't have
eaten you anyway.

Oh, should I?

I've eaten
so much already.

Well, Thanksgiving
only comes once a year.

The creeping
part is apt,

but the terror part?

It's just
not happening.

No, no.

( humming )

He's doing
his Walter Brennan
impression.

Dagnabbit.

Get out of the way.

I want to see
the smoochers.

He's definitely
a people person.

Thanks!
I'll return it
with a full tank.

An official jalopy.

Like to see your license
and registration, please.

Hey, can I get a lift?
I got a doctor's appointment.

I'm a hideous growth
and I've got to
have me removed.

Whoo! Bulls won!
Whoo!

Bulls!

Huh. Well.

God.

That was the last
straw for that guy.

Just trying
to give him
a push start.

You got it in gear, right?

Jackson Pollock
disapproves.

Well, he's tenacious.
You got to give him that.

( engine sputters )

Looks like you're
going to need
some transmission work.

Oh, dear.
Lift with your
legs now.

Unsafe at any speed.

Ugh. Yuck.

Those kids with
their chinos and--

Hope he didn't
pay a lot for that
detailing job.

That monster would make
a really cool fort.

Tent-like.

Big.

Ah, comfort food.

I like
the meaty filling.

But if they're not dead,

they can't just crawl
into his mouth
like the others.

That's a problem.

Oh, great date,
Steve.

Wait a minute.
Here I come.

Can't get this
vending machine to work.

Just want
a Clark bar.

I hate this.
I can see him,
but I can't get to him.

Oh, my three stomachs
are growling. Oh...

It's really more
trouble than it's worth.

Hey, give it up.

Jeez, it's like
a Brazil nut.

There's no
getting into it.

Not going to be
as fresh as I like them,

but what the hey.

( growling )

He's just not as nimble
as he used to be.

I think he's
put on some weight
or something.

Hoochie coochie!
Whoo-ha!

Please, God,
I'm only 17.

Okay, I'm just
going to have
these two,

then first thing
Monday morning

I'm going on
that diet.

Ever since the divorce,

he's learned how
to cook for himself.

Oh, he likes them
fresh out of the can.

Jeez, you know,
now I'm not even
that hungry.

He's just plain
taking advantage

of the all-you-can-eat
buffet on Earth.

You two!
Gary! Hi!

You guys got
eaten, too?

Come on in here.
How are you?

Mr. Monster,
you've got some
leg on your face.

Ha ha!

Check this out.

( humming Offenbach's "Infernal
Galop")

Wow, the monster's
got great gams.

Okay.

Y'all comfortable
in there?

Yes. Thank you very
much, Mr. Monster.

Yeah, okay, kids.

Time to undo my pants

and go watch
the football game.

You know,
humans really stick
to my dental work.

And I bet his breath
really stinks.

Especially
after he eats...
French people!

What is with you
and the French people?

- It's a joke!
- Tom: It's funny!

The monster's got
to be full by now.

I'm sorry.
I shouldn't
have said that.

- Wow.
- Hey, guys!

Finally got
my stereo system
set up.

This looks pretty
substantial, Mike.

What kind is it?

Oh, it's nothing much.

Got the Nakamichi
CD-1000 transport

fiberlinked
to the PS audio
20-bit DA converter.

Of course,
that goes to my Bryston
straightline pre-amp

out to the Carver
400-watt monoblocks

and over the the DCM
TimeWindow 7s.

Sounds great, Mike.

As for me,
I've got one of them
Goldstar bookshelf jobs.

Yeah, a boombox
is enough for me, Mike.

- You disgust me.
- Huh?

Come on, guys,
haven't you ever
heard a good system?

- Into the sweet spot here.
- The sweet...

- Now listen to this.
- Sweet spot.

As the kids say,
this is going to
blow your minds.

( playing
"Creeping Terror"
dance hall music )

Mike, that's the music
from "The Creeping Terror."

- Yeah.
- Sounds pretty lame, Mike.

Oh, come on.
Listen to the definition,
the imaging.

There's plenty of air
around the instruments.

Here, let me
replay this part.

( rewinding track )

Replay that.
Listen to that, huh?

Huh. Yeah. Neat.

Well, you know, Mike,

I think we're
going to listen to it
from over here.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh! Oh, look.
There's the sweet spot.

- Over here.
- Hey!

Eh, fine.
Who needs you?

( playing
"Creeping Terror"
dance hall music )

( music continues,
distorted )

( music continues
at normal volume )

( music continues )

Okay. You want to catch
that button, Crow?

( music continues )

( sirens approaching )

That was great.
Thank you.

Hey, Meals On Wheels.

Now to make
my speedy getaway.

It was almost an hour
before Caldwell learned

of the monster's
devastating new attack.

Colonel Caldwell
wasted no time

ordering his men
into action.

Men? Action.

It was at this point
that Bradford interceded.

He demanded that
the monster be taken
alive at all costs.

The colonel's protests
about the dead and missing

made no impression
on Bradford.

Dead? Missing?
So what?

Caldwell conceded
to the point

of assuring Bradford

that they would not
destroy the monster

if they could avoid it.

Because monsters
are people, too.

( screeching )

( growling )

Caldwell:
Get on with it,
Lieutenant.

Move it out, men.

Actual dialogue
startled everyone.

Yes, I am handsome.
Thank you.

God, he is attractive,
isn't he?

We're from
the set of "Combat!"
Can we help?

Everything he eats
goes to his hips.

( siren )

Then Broderick
Crawford arrived.

Well, it's cowboy day
down at the precinct.

When Martin's party arrived
and offered to help,

the colonel told them
enough lives were
being endangered.

They were to be part of
the second line of defense

to be used only
if necessary.

Also known
as dessert.

Guys, don't tempt me.
I'm stuffed. Please.

( imitating gunfire )

Well, I guess
one more wouldn't hurt.

Come on. Get in.

( gunfire )

Hey, come on.
I got you.

Lay down.

Hey, I see
Judy in there!

What?

Apparently, just hoping
it would go away

didn't really work.

They tampered
in God's domain.

The monster's
got corn smut.

Didn't work when we shot
James Beard, either.

( gunfire continues )

The word "nyah-nyah"
were clearly heard.

* Here we come

Wait, wait.
You don't understand.

Let me tell you why
I ate your family.

Jeez.

This is an intervention
for his eating disorder.

Oh.

( imitating gunfire )

Look, we have
some Susan Powder tapes

we want you
to look at.

( chuckles )

The photographer
fell on them.

Hog pile.

Well, golly.

Diaper me.
Diaper me, please.

I need diaper.

What kind of memorial
do we build to those guys?

The sergeant,
a shaken man,

returned babbling
about what had happened.

( blubbering )

Caldwell, realizing
the full danger
of the situation,

decided he had only
one means left

to stop the monster--
grenade.

Reneé? Who's she?

Now Bradford made
a drastic move.

He gestured.

Acting on his
superior authority,

he forbade Caldwell
to destroy the creature.

"Forbad?"

The colonel,
more concerned with
saving human lives

than advancing science,
told Bradford
to go to hell.

Pardon my French.

Get out of my way.

I'm going to put
some of those

little Vietnamese
peppers in my pocket

and let him eat me.

Okay, baggy,
now you'll meet
my creeping terror.

Um, Mr. Monster?

Could you spit out
our rifles, please?

Hamilton, Joe Frank,
and Reynolds attack.

All right, come on.
Come on!

You want a piece of me?

Oh, you do, actually.

Uh-huh.

Oh, he broke
a heel!

The guy's wearing
maternity pants.

Huh.

Foiled him
with crabgrass.

( explosion )

Something
sort of happened,
kind of.

Yeah,
there's a...

Just tell me.
Am I inside
the monster?

( moaning )

You fragged yourself,
you knucklehead.

Uh, um,
you were there.

And you, and you...

Was Buford
killed the beast.

This has been
the goofiest
week of my life!

What the--

This is pleather!

Oh, man.
He's going through
his wallet.

There's $5
in here,

and a pass for
Cheap Skate
roller rink!

Look at that.

Dang monster's
from Radio Shack!

Huh?

Richard Kimble,
man on the run.

( humming )

- Whoa!
- Safe!

He slides
like Ron Santo.

Where's he going
in such a hurry?

Maybe his beeper
went off.

( humming )

Maybe you better
follow him.

He may need help.

You go ahead, Martin.

I'll stay with Caldwell.

Okay.

Come on,
Special Agent
Sweetheart.

Here on K-ROLL,

all roller rink music,
all the time.

This portion
of our film

brought
to you by Ensco
windshield wipers.

Ensco wipers.
When you're wet,
they wipe you.

Only after
the monster died

did people
think of running.

May I dab tenderly
at your forehead, Steve?

Ray Manzarek on organ.

Fantastic.

Well.

And thus, the chase
scene begins.

Vroom.

( spitting )

So is this a silent movie
all of the sudden?

Jeez, I just sort of
panicked back there.

I don't know
what happened.

Here in
White Valley...

Just keeps thinking
about those two scoops
of raisins, huh?

Got to find
a petting zoo.

There are times
when a man needs

the touch
of a llama.

( siren )

Somewhere in the back
mountain hills of Dakota

there lived a young boy
named Rocky Raccoon.

Enjoy my profile,
won't you?

Oh, no!
A nuclear blast!

When the agents
reached the Spahn Ranch,

Manson and his followers
were nowhere to be seen.

This is
Andy Warhol's
"Driving."

( imitating
"Sanford and Son" theme )

I had to get here.

Not sure
what here is,
but I'm here.

Forget
the password!
Let me in!

I am sleeping!

Oh, jeez,
did I leave
the monster on?

- Ooh!
- Whoa.

Oh.

Something happened.

I guess.

Whoa!
Bad thing. Burn.

Bad.
Oh, stingy pain.

Oh, let me out.

* I'd walk a million miles
for one of your smiles *

* Mammy

The explosion loosened
the harness on the monster

and allowed it
to escape.

And so our tale
begins again.

Oh, no.

The filmmaker
sadly misread

the demand
for a sequel.

Guess he wanted
a Manwich, huh?

Sorry.

Too bad
the monster didn't
land in Thailand.

He'd have
heartburn by now.

Enough with
the food jokes.

( growling )

Listen, he sounds like
Screamin' Jay Hawkins.

Blah! Blah!

Blah! Bleah!

Jeez, would you just
come and get me?

Let's get this
over with.

I'm lying here.

Oh, look at that.
He's going to be
walking soon.

Oh, honey.

This might be
rather cynical
on my part,

but I put it to you

that that is
the same monster.

( in monotone )
Oh, God, no.

Oh, it's not possible.

Oh, the humanity.

- Aah.
- Oh, I have a question.

Uh, you're going to
eat me, aren't you?

Aah.

Now this guy
won't be eaten

because the monster
hates Cajun food.

- Please.
- Blackened.

I'll blacken you.

I think
I hit on something.

Stay away
from his mouth.

Don't crawl
inside of it.

- That's it!
- Wow.

Hey, a four-leaf
clover!

Suddenly,
he suffers from
a narcolepsy seizure.

( humming )

Oh, come on.
Rascal, no.

No, not now.

( siren approaching )

I need to ask
Phil something.

Could you
barf him up,
please?

Sorry. You just darted
out in front of me.

Bradford just squirted
all over the place.

Wow.

Here, let me give you
my insurance information.

Oh, hi.

Martin tried
to help the doctor,

but there was no time.

Bradford told Martin
what he had
just confirmed.

I'm dying!

These monsters were
highly-specialized
test animals.

They were, in fact,
mobile laboratories

that consumed human beings

in order to analyze
them chemically.

Uh-huh.
Cuckoo.

Undoubtedly,
to detect weaknesses

in the human species.

Oh, undoubtedly.

He told Martin
that the information

fed into a computer
in the spacecraft.

Further, he added,

now that both
monsters were dead,

the computer would
activate a transmitter

to send the results
into outer space.

Uh-huh.

Martin knew
what he had to do.

Become a huge
Larry Storch fan.

He'd follow him
around the country

seeking
his autograph.

He'd be an expert
on Larry Storch,

able to answer
any question
about Larry Storch.

So if he gets
killed or anything,

you want to have
coffee sometime?

As Martin entered
the spaceship,

he heard the transmitter
generator kick on.

Whoa.

Aw, jeez,
I should know this.

I went to
refrigeration school.

Hey, there's bullets
in the other end
of that thing.

He's a closet
Luddite, this guy.

The super tough alloys
of the spacecraft

were not even dented
by Martin's hammering.

You never loved me!

You never loved me!

Another frustrated
IBM PC user.

Stupid old machine.

Stupid.

You can just
unplug it.

The spaceship's got
a supporting beam there.

Oh, a bearing wall.

Why don't you just
ask the spaceship
nicely to go away?

So how many of him
do you think it would take

to screw in a light bulb?

All of them.

Hey, hey!
Take it easy!

Roger Corman
needs to use
this set later.

Finally, the failure
of his wedding night

comes crashing down on him.

Martin's upset
because the thing

is transmitting
bad stuff about him.

Ah, yes.
The Jack Nicholson
Courteous Driver School.

After his release,
Stacey Koons gets a job
at Cray computer.

You thought
you were off the hook.

You get back here
and take it like a man.

( panting )

There!
What do you
think of that?

( panting )

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean
to lash out.

Please forgive me.

As the transmitter stopped,

Martin felt sick.

Evidently,
all the information
had been transmitted.

Oh.

Well, we're dead.
World's over.

My fault. Sorry.

Hey, crispy.
Hands off my wife.

On Martin's return,

he confessed his failure.

Forgive me, Bradford,
for I have failed.

He slowly asked Bradford

what was in store
for humanity.

Bradford was pessimistic,

but implied that
maybe all was not lost.

He had coupons.

After all, he told them,

the vastness
of the universe
is incredible.

If these monsters
had come from
its outer limits...

He makes good sense.

their home might even
no longer exist.

Ah.

Or if they do come again,

perhaps man will have
advanced enough

to cope with them
and those who made them.

Or words
to that effect.

"Only God knows for sure,"

were Bradford's last words
to anyone on this Earth.

Not quite as pithy as

"Either these
curtains go or I do,"

but still,
it was the best
he could do.

Well, should we
eat him or bury him?

- Kidding.
- I vote eat.

Eat.

Honey,
is anything wrong?

Man, women
are so emotional.

You got a little--

What were you two
talking about?

Keep watching the skies!

And watch what you eat,

but eat all you take!

A bird in the hand
is worth--

I've been to one
state fair,
a rodeo,

and that's
the stupidest thing
I've ever seen!

The end.

The end.
Say, "the end."

- End. End. End.
- Yes, yes, yes.

- End?
- We're going to
leave anyway.

- End. End!
- End, end, end!

Ah!

( laughter )

Crow:
Here I come, Tommy!

Tom: Okay, buddy.
Slide right down!

Crow!
What in the world
are you doing?

Crow: Hey, hey!
Whoa, Whoa!

Whoa! Ow!
Right on my hip.

Come on up here.

Thanks, Mike.
I hope you don't think
that was my idea.

No, I think I know
whose idea it was.

- Hey, Tom!
- Hey, Mike!

See if you can get her
to swallow you.

It's really neat!

This is
so embarrassing.

I don't look fat,
do I?

No, Gypsy.
You don't look fat.

You're a little
lumpy, maybe,
but not fat.

Oh, this
is embarrassing.

Tom:
Come on!

Hop in and experience
the alimentary canal
in action.

It's the ultimate trip!

Uh, no thanks.
I think I'll pass.

- Okay.
- So to speak.

Anyway, we got
letters to read here.

You know, Mike,
I don't feel very well
all of the sudden.

I think I'm getting
allergic to Tom.

Yeah,
join the club, Gypsy.

Tom: Hey!

I think I'll go
get a tissue.

- I think I--
- Okay.

Crow, you want to read
some letters here?

- Me?
- Yeah.

May I?

Well, you're
the only one here.

Oh, boy!
Thanks for choosing me.

You weren't
my first choice, but--

- no, I'm kidding.
- I know.

All right,
here we go.

This one is from--
put that on Still Store there,

because this is from Jason
of the Salt Right Of Fun.

What the hell
does that mean?

It says it right there.

"Jason of the
Salt Right of Fun."

And he says
"Superman's is a comic book,
not a graphic novel."

Superman's dead.

He also says,
"PS, the robot in
the picture is 2XL,

and can I be
on your show? "

That's a neat robot,

but no, you can't
be on our show.

- Sorry.
- No, no, no, no.

Sorry, Jason
of the Salt Right of Fun.

That was weird.

Now this next one
is from David Banks.

Hello, David!

Hello, Dave!

That's wild, Dave,
and he says,

"I have found
that your show

is one of
the best around."

"I especially love it
when Crow says 'kitties'

when dangerous lions
are seen."

Please ask Crow
to say 'kitties'

a couple of times
for me."

- Crow?
- Oh, I don't know, Mike.

Little command performance
for your audience?

( in British accent )
I can't indulge every
little fan request.

Oh, yes, that's it.
Kitties.

Kitties.

( Gypsy grunting
and shrieking )

Yeow!

Well, guess
it's back to you,

Dr. Clayton Forrester.
Are you all right?

Mike, you better come
and look at this.

Tom:
It burns. It burns.

Well, until we meet again,

on behalf of Frank
and myself,

here's wishing you
whiter whites...

Whiter whites.

brighter brights...

Brighter brights.

and may all your
rinse cycles
be gentle,

and may all
your troubles

come out
in the wash.

( chuckles )

Ta-ta!

("Creeping Terror"
dance hall music playing )

Aah!

My God, what is it?