Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 7, Episode 10 - The Violent Years - full transcript

♫ In the not-too-distant future

♫ Way down in Deep 13

♫ Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank

♫ Were hatching an Evil Scheme

♫ They hired a temp by the name of Mike

♫ Just a regular Joe they didn't like

♫ Their experiment needed a good test case

♫ So they conked him on the noggin

♫ And they shot him into space

♫ Get me down

♫ We'll send him cheesy movies

♫ The worst we can find, la-la-la

♫ He'll have to sit and watch them all

♫ And we'll monitor his mind, la-la-la

♫ Now keep in mind Mike can't control

♫ Where the movies begin or end la-la-la

♫ He'll try to keep his sanity

♫ With the help of his robot friends

♫ Robot Roll Call

♫ Cambot! Show yourself

♫ Gypsy! I'm not ready

♫ Tom Servo! H'lo there!

♫ Croooow! That's one o

♫ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes

♫ and other science facts la la la

♫ Just repeat to
yourself, it's just a show

♫ I should really just relax

♫ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♫

(door slams)

- Whoa.

- I dunno.

- Hi, everyone, welcome
to the Satellite of Love.

We're just kinda sitting
around waiting for Tom Servo.

- Waiting for Tom.

- Where the heck is that guy anyway,

and what's is he up to?

- What's he up to?

- I dunno, he said he
had something to show us.

- Something to show us.

- Oh boy, I can hardly--

- Ta-da!

(Mike shouts)

- Whoa, whoa (loud sobbing).

- Pretty impressive, hey folks.

I tell ya, I feel like a new man.

- I feel ill.

- I know what you're thinkin'.

Cary Grant, right?

I can see that, sure, maybe
a little touch of Seinfeld.

Ha, ha, ha, you know I'm weighing

several new career options, fellas.

Politics, TV news, ha,
I'm even considering

franchising the look, he-he,

maybe a series of infomercials.

Hey kids, you gotta get
ahead, get a head. (laughs)

(Crow wails and sobs)

- Get him!

- Don't mess up the hair.

- I'll mess it up.

(upbeat electronic music)

(Crow sobs loudly)

- Ah, ah, ah, I know what it is, Mike.

You're threatened by my good looks.

Is that it, is that it?

- [Mike] Yeah, yeah, `that's it, buddy.

(Tom and Crow scream)

- Hey, hey, look, things will, sorry.

(cheesy electronic keyboard music)

♫ I was alone with the world to tame

♫ I was evil, but feeling blue

♫ Looking around, talking to clowns

♫ Never guessing that I'd find you

♫ Working the fryer, I was never a crier

♫ I had a void in the shape of you ♫

- Oh, Frank

♫ Lookin for love, hopin for evil

♫ All's I got was chicken cordon bleu

♫ What a dream, we're living in Deep 13

♫ Nobody knows what will be

♫ Rulin' the world with
our heads in a swirl

♫ And it's keen

♫ Living in deep 13 ♫

- Thank you, thank you, thank
you Frankie, folks at home.

Mike, little friends,
you're gonna be seeing

a lotta changes around here.

- We're softening to
reach a wider audience.

- That's right and as
the world is enchanted

with our whimsy, we'll
slowly take over their minds.

- What a hoot!

(evil laughs)

But, first we need you guys to help out,

by writing your own theme songs.

- You know to increase your share.

- So go ahead, give it a try.

- Oh, goody, goody, goody, goody, goody.

Oh, can I go first, please
guys, can I go first?

- Oh boy.
- [Mike] Here we go.

- Please, please, I've had

my theme song ready since infancy.

Now, finally someone has the
good sense to request it.

- Okay, if you're that
eager to help Dr Forrester,

hey, I can't stop you.

(tune of "O Fortuna")

♫ Tom Servo ♫

- What, what the hell?

♫ Tom Servo

♫ Glorious Tom Servo ♫

- (whistles) Understated.
- [Crow] That was--

♫ Beautiful Tom

♫ Wonderful Tom

♫ Magnificat Tom Servo ♫

- Bomp bomp

♫ Bigger than life ♫

- Bomp bomp

♫ Bigger than you ♫

- Hey!

- Okay, I think that's
good, if you cut it, lights.

- There's more.

- Of course there is.

- Oh, there is? Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought that was the end.

I'm sorry about that.

But, as long as we're stopped,
Crow, dive in, theme song.

- What?

Uh, uh, uh.

♫ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la Crow

♫ La-la-la-la-la uh Crow

♫ La-la-la-la-la Crow ♫

- That's it?

- Yeah, yeah

- That's good.

- Oh, thank you (laughs).

- I liked it, especially that one part.

- Okay, Nelson, let's hear it.

- Oh, I don't have one,
I can't, you know me.

- Aw, typical, typical, well,
I'll save your bacon, Mike.

(clears throat)

♫ Mike ma-ma-ma-Mike

♫ Ma-ma-ma-Mike Mike

♫ Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike

♫ Mike ma-ma-ma-Mike ma-ma-ma-Mike

♫ Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike

♫ Ma-ma-ma Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike

♫ Mike ma-ma-ma Mike Ma-ma-ma-my Mike Mike

♫ Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike

♫ Ma-my Mike ♫

- Neat.

- Okay, great, thank
you for saving my bacon.

- No problem.

- And there it is,
there's the theme songs.

Hope you like 'em.

- Yes, yes.
- [Frank] Mike, Mike Mike

- Those were good.
- [Frank] ♫ Ma-ma-ma Mike

- Maybe a bit too good.
- [Frank] ♫ Mike ma-ma-ma Mike

- At least we're all on the same page.

- ♫ Ma-ma-ma-Mike Mike ♫

- Anyway, Nelson.

- I love Kramer.

- Well, you know I, oh.

- Your movie this week is
- [Frank] Mike Mike Mike Mike

- Well, bad.
- [Frank] Ma-ma-ma Mike

- But it was written by Ed Wood.

So get out your favorite pair of pumps,

and have a ball.

But first there's a little short

By my friends at Jam Handy.
- [Frank] Mike Mike Mike Mike

Frank!
- [Frank] Ma-ma-ma, ahhh!

- [All] Ed Wood, no!

- I have agoraphobia.

(door creaks)

(beeping)

- [Crow] Young man's fancy
crinkle cut potatoes.

- [Mike] That little character
was a catch, wasn't he?

- [Crow] (laughs) Oh, you know,

she's got a darling triangular figure.

- [Mike] Wow, this is too titillating.

Are we allowed to watch this?

Oh, she's listening to her dehumidifier.

- [Tom] Yes, teens did blush
at orchestral arrangements.

- [Voiceover] 12 o'clock, and time for

the latest news headlines of the day.

According to the latest bulletin.

- [Crow] Ironing can be deadly.

- How are the sandwiches coming, Mom?

- Almost ready.

They're so easy to do, even
your dad can put them together.

And do a dandy burling job on them.

- Dad fancies himself quite a cook

since we got our electric
range, doesn't he?

- Mm-hmm, and he's pretty good at it, too.

Let's have cocoa today.

It'll just take a few
seconds to heat up the milk.

- Okay, I'll be finished in half a sec.

- Mother?

- [Tom] Is space curved?

- Wouldn't it be slick if
we had an electric ironer?

Like Sally's mother has.

- Of course it would,
and I'm looking forward

to having an electric dryer, too.

- [Mike] Is she blind?

- Then we'd have a
complete electric laundry.

- Whoo-whee.

- [Mother] Whee, what?

- Why goodbye to ol' wash day,

that's why the whee.

(Mike makes electric zap noise)

- Really, sweetie, c'mon now.

Eat your lunch, you'll feel better.

- I feel fine.

- [Crow] I think they're
both trying way to hard.

- [Mike] Yeah.
- [Tom] Yeah.

- [Mike] Another lonely Thanksgiving.

- [Crow] (lip smacking noise) Cling free.

- This tastes yummy.

- [Tom] And all the fats are
numbing my emotions, mmm, mmm.

- Oh, I just love bacon all
crisp and crunchy like this.

- [Mike] Yeah, evidently.

- Hey, stop wolfing your food.

No one's gonna take it away from you.

- Sorry sweetie, but
it's really your fault.

You shouldn't make 'em so good.

- [Crow] Whatever happened to my

pet Vietnamese pot bellied pig?

- [Tom] Mom, what's sex?

- Oh, I almost forgot, a letter from Bob.

- [Judy] Another letter?

I thought he was coming home tomorrow.

- Well, he is.

He wrote to say he's
bring a friend with him.

- What did he say?

About the friend, I mean.

Is he tall, dark and handsome?

I hope.

- [Tom] Tee-hee, I'm horny.

- Here is what he said.

Alex is a real great guy, even
though he is serious minded,

and tops in all his classes.

- [Mike] He is my soul mate.

- [Mother] He's got a job lined up with

a construction gang near us.

And I knew you wouldn't mind
if he spent a few days with me.

Since it's the end of the term.

- Say.

- [Mike] Say.
- [Tom] So.

- Pretty dull.

- Alex has little time for girls.

- [Crow] Uh-oh.

- I knew it.

I'll bet he doesn't even dance.

- And is quite a woman hater in his way.

- [Mike] Oh, jeez.

- For Pete's sake, wouldn't you know that

goon brother of mine would bring home

something that lives under a rock.

- Judy, I do wish you would speak English

like normal human beings.

- [Tom] Bitch.

- Besides, I'm sure Mr. Phipps
is a very nice young man.

- I know, just because Bob is a book-gook

that's no reason he has to
bring another one home with him.

- Well, we'll see.

Oh, there's a special message for you.

- [Tom] I loathe you.

- And be sure and tell Judy

to keep her grimy little
paws off of my friend.

He's got no time for babies.

- [Mike] He's not Jerry Seinfeld.

- What's his name again?

- [Crow] George Kaplan.

- Alexander Phipps.

- Alexander Phipps, sounds revolting.

- [Tom] Sounds Montclair moment-y

- Whatever made my dear brother

think I'd be interested in a character

with a name like that?

- [Tom] Well, you throw
yourself at anything that--

- As far as Mr. Alexander
Phipps is concerned,

he'll be left alone.

- [Tom] (laughs) Permanently.

- And with the greatest of pleasure.

- [Tom] More food, hide
the pain, more food.

- [Crow] Mmm, Munster.

- [Mike] ♫ But, Patty only sees the sights

♫ A girl can see from Brooklyn Heights

♫ Hey, what a crazy ♫

- [Tom] The young Millie
helper chronicles.

- Judy, isn't it about
time you got dressed, dear?

- I'm dressed.

- Well, that's a matter of opinion.

Go put on a dress before they get here.

- Ah, for him?

Okay, but nobody named Alexander Phipps

would ever notice what I've got on.

- [Crow] Yeah, if you're
named Alexander Phipps,

it's just over for ya.

- [Tom] Wow, the bacon truck is here.

- Jeepers, is he cool.

Really cool.

- [Tom] Tonight's the night, Mom.

Yipe, Mother, they're here.

And look at me, I'm a mess.

- Well, what do you care?

Remember, his name is Alexander Phipps.

- Oh, wait 'til I get that
brother of mine alone.

(bouncy happy music)

- [Tom] Jeez, It's Chip and Dale.

- [Crow] Would you just get in the door.

- Hi mom.

- [Mike] I'm back from the 20's.

- Oh gee, it's good to be home.

- [Tom] And to be Robert McNamara.

- Mom, this is Alex.

- [Mother] Hello, Alex.

We're very happy to have you with us.

- Oh, thank you, Mrs. Adams.

It's nice of you to have me.

- [Crow] It's nice to be had.

- Wait a minute, don't tell me.

You're the twin without the Tony.

- [Tom] Oh, go sit on
a carrot, you crummy.

- Alex, this is the little
sister I was telling you about.

Judy, Alexander Phipps.

- How do you do, Mr. Phipps.

So nice you could come.

- Well, thanks, Judy.

And the name is Alex.

- [Mike] Zander Phipps.

- Did you boys have your lunch?

- Oh no, we didn't wanna miss
another one of your meals.

Besides, we wanted to catch a shower.

- [All] Whoa!
- [Mike] Look at him.

- Okay, run along then.

I'll have everything ready
by the time you get back.

- [Tom] Join us later, if you want, Ma.

- Oh, Mom, how about some of
those hot biscuits of yours?

- [Mike] Whoa, my god.

- All right, hot biscuits.

Judy will make them for you.

- Judy, I didn't know she could--

- [Crow] Biscuit.

- C'mon, Alex.

- Oh that sounds real good, and thanks.

- [Tom] Hee, I'll soap you first.

- Mother, you do the biscuits, huh.

- Well, it'll only take
you a moment, Judy.

- Thanks, angel.

I think I will throw on a dress.

More ladylike, don't you think so?

- Yes, dear, but Alexander
Phipps will never notice that.

- You're a doll, Mother.

- [Tom] Now make the biscuits.

- [Crow] You can hardly
see where you bit me.

- Sure do get a smooth shave
with this electric razor.

I hope your dad won't mind.

- [Bob] No, he won't mind a bit.

He always lets me use it when I'm home.

Dad's a swell guy, you'll like him.

- [Tom] Just don't use his
razor, he goes ballistic.

- Hey, you're not running
outta hot water, are ya?

- What?

- I said, you're not running
out of hot water, are ya?

I stayed under quite a long time.

- [Mike] Wow.

- Aw, don't worry about that

Wait 'til ya see the electric
water heater Dad got us.

Full loaded, now.

We have plenty of hot water all the time.

- [Crow] Sounds fun.

I gotta get outta here.

- Hey, Bob.

- [Bob] Yeah.

- I thought you said your
sister was just a little kid.

- [Tom] She must be 40.

- I didn't wanna fool ya,
she's still a little monster.

- [Tom] And I'm the Beast Master.

- [Crow] There, now I look like Mom.

Well thank goodness for my electric dress.

- [Tom] Where's the fire extinguisher?

- [Mike] He'll never touch
you, Terry, you're dirt.

- Hey, you look mighty purty.

- [Mike] In a Thelma Ritter sorta way.

- How about that food?

- Food, is that all you can
think of at a time like this?

- [Crow] You mean lunchtime?

- Don't change the subject.

I ought to ring your smug little neck.

- What's the matter now?

What have I done?

- Studious, serious minded.

- What are you talking about?

- Tops in all his classes.

- [Tom] Point, counterpoint.

- Now, Judy, Alex is really a guy who--

- Had little time for girls.

- Now, wait a minute, let me explain.

- And a woman hater to boot.

I think you're a stinker.

- [Crow] No, don't.

- Why do girls have to have brothers?

- I love you, too.

Now, simmer down, sis.

It's the truth.

Alex really has no time for girls.

Especially you.

- Flattery will get you
no where, just watch.

- [Tom] Do, do, dum,
god I hate women, oh hi.

- Hi Alex, I know you're hungry.

You'll be eating in a jiffy.

- [Crow] Ow, my new kidney.

- [Mike] Oh, one of them in-sink-a-raters

- [Mother] Everything's ready, Judy

- Come and get it.

- [Tom] (sputters and gags)

- [Crow] Hey, make with the chow, broads.

- C'mon Alex, make yourself at home.

- Sorry to put you to all
this trouble, Mrs. Adams.

But, it does smell good.

- No trouble at all, Alex.

Everything is so easy
with an electric range.

Possibly, I'm prejudiced,

but even the food tastes better, too.

- Say, I hate to be corny beautiful,

but what's cooking?

- Stew, beef stew.

Mom knows how you love it.

- It's wonderful, it's my favorite dish.

- [Tom] Well, used to be my favorite dish.

- [Mike] Jesus, do you got a claw hammer

or something I can work on this with?

- Hot biscuits.

Mother made them.

- [Crow] Hey, the electric phone.

- I'll get it, mom.

- Try some of these (mumbles).

- Thanks.

- [Tom] Dad's calling from Chippendale's.

He got two shows.

He won't be home.

More Similac, dear?

- Did he arrive?

Man, he's positively frantic.

- [Crow] He runs around screaming.

- Real cool Jonah.

Tall, good looking

- [Mike] Spit out by a whale.

- Nothing at all like
the drips around school.

- [Tom] If you'd like to make a call,

please hang up and dial again.

- Uh-huh, he drives a
real shafty convertible.

He really has it.

- [Tom] And I want it.

- And when he looks at me,
I get, you know, squishy.

- [Crow] Well, that's nice, ma'am.

I'm just trying to sell my magazines.

- This afternoon, oh
that's a wonderful idea.

- [Crow] Have my way with him?

- What time, okay, bye.

- That stew was really a
production, Mrs. Adams.

Can we help with the dishes?

- Nah-ah, No KP duty around here, Sargent.

- [Tom] We got dames to do that.

- Strictly automatic, see?

- Whoops.

- [Tom] Found the smell.

- They're in here all ready, mom.

- That's all right, dear, just
put them in with the others.

- [Crow] Why, what are
all these gin bottles

doing in here?

- Oh, wait a minute, Bob,
why not do it the easy way.

- [Tom] You're suffocating me.

- Excuse me mom.

- [Crow] It's Pepperidge Farm.

- That used to be my job at home.

Washing the dishes, I mean.

- Oh, Bob and Judy have
had their share, too.

But thank heaven, no
more washing and wiping

dishes around here.

- [Tom] God, your hair smells terrific

- And the dishwasher uses such hot water,

you couldn't possibly
put your hands in it.

- Sure, that makes the
dishes hygienically clean.

- I'll put the deep well cooker
in when I do the next load.

- [Crow] I've never felt so
comfortable with a woman,

Mrs. Adams.

- [Tom] Alexander, please.

- [Crow] Do you wanna
have breakfast sometime?

- [Tom] Don't do this to me, Alexander.

- See, nothing to it, is there?

- [Tom] And it's quiet, too.

- What?

- [Crow] Eleanor, I'm busy
down here at the White House.

- Okay, beautiful, and don't
forget to call me, will ya?

- [Crow] Bye, Eleanor.

- Sally phoned and asked
me to go for a swim.

Thought you might like to come along.

And bring Alex.

- Oh, thanks, but I think
Alex is going to be busy.

- Busy doing what?

- Now look, small fry,
don't gimme any trouble.

All I know is that seeing a man at the

northwest machine works
on a matter of hydraulics.

- Why don't you ask him, yourself?

- Thanks, I will.

- [Tom] I'm squishy, and
I need to move on it.

- And the circulating air
completely dries them.

- [Tom] Please, stop, I'm vulnerable.

- You certainly know
all about dish washers.

- Oh, not all.

But to tell the truth, Mrs.
Adams, anything of a mechanical,

or electrical nature interests me.

Fits in with a hobby of mine.

- Dishwashers?

- Not exactly, time study.

Figuring out how to do things better.

(Tom makes trombone noises)

- Time study sounds interesting.

- And does going for a swim
sound interesting, Alex.

It's a swell day for us.

- It is at that, Judy.

And it would be great, but--

- [Tom] I find you repulsive.

- Can we make it some other time?

I have an appointment this afternoon.

With an engineer, as a matter of fact,

that's one of the reasons,
I came home with Bob.

- [Tom] One of the reasons, heh-heh.

- I'd better hurry, too.

Thanks for the lunch, Mrs. Adams.

- [Crow] Just please go.

- Have a good swim, Judy.

- [Crow] Sure I will, homo.

(upbeat electronic music)

- A lecture about mushrooms.

- [Crow] You're dating Timothy Leery?

- Must be some mechanical problem

connected with the lecture,
if Alex wants to go.

- [Tom] God, I wish he'd come home.

Cockroach, sorry.

- Growing mushrooms under
artificial conditions.

- [Mike] I like it.

Well, after all, the lecture
may be very interesting.

- Yes, mother.

- [Crow] We should leave
the house sometime, too.

- Mechanical problem.

- [Tom] Mom

- Time study.

- [Tom] Earth to Mom.

- What did you say, mother?

- Judy, I have an idea.

- Yes, I remember your father.

- [Crow] Vaguely.

- The trouble I had with him.

- [Tom] He was a thumb sucker.

- Seems as if nothing I did
would interest him until I--

- Until what, Mother.

- [Crow] I got my tattoo.

- I discovered how much
he enjoyed good food.

- Oh.

- [Mother] The way to a man's heart, Judy.

- Oh Mother, that's corny.

Everyone likes good food.

- I know, dear, but I'm
thinking of something else, too.

- [Mike] Nude housework.

- It'll take a little conspiracy.

- [Judy] Conspiracy?

A nice little conspiracy,

for a nice young man.

- [Tom] Like Whitewater.

- Remember I decided not
to go to the garden club

dinner tomorrow night,
because of Alexander's visit?

Well, I changed my mind.

I'm going.

- [Crow] To hell with Alexander.

- You can find out for yourself
why the mother knows best.

Now, here's what we'll do.

- [Crow] Get some rope, a chain saw.

- [Tom] Oh, I like that.

- [Crow] Potassium nitrate, sulfur iodide.

- [Tom] ♫ Going on a man

♫ Hunt get me a man, de-de-de-de-de ♫

Okay, and thumbtacks.

(Tom hums theme from "Jaws")

- [Crow] Why I'm baking my panties,

but that's what mom suggested.

- [Tom] I'll turn it on
now, but I light it later.

- [Mike] Here you go, Daddy.

- [Tom] Thanks, kitten (gurgles).

- Do you need anything
before I leave, Judy.

- I don't think so, Mother.

Now, how long did you say

it would take this dinner to cook?

- Now, let's see, your dinner should cook

for an hour and a half at 350 degrees.

- (mumbles) Sweetie, let me
make with the mathematics.

I'm gonna dash over to Sally's.

She's gonna set my hair.

- It's almost three o'clock now.

You will eat at 6:30,
and your dinner takes

an hour and a half to cook.

- [Crow] The naughtys
will be on you by then.

- [Judy] Set the timer.

- [Tom] The timing bombs will be

tripped by the wires
when we drive through.

- And to cook for an hour and a half.

- [Mike] They forgot to stop filming.

- Then I set the flip switch,

so it will go on automatically.

Set temperature dial to--

- [Crow] I think this is cool.

- 350, and I'm off to Sally's, okay?

- Absolutely right.

- Glad I remembered to take the ham

out of the freezer this morning.

- [Tom] Is Mom in the Guardian Angles?

- [Crow] Yeah.

- I wish you weren't going out.

Do you think everything will be all right?

- Of course, darling, it'll be lovely.

Now, don't you worry.

This isn't the first meal
you've cooked, you know.

- I know, but it's the
first meal I ever cooked

- [Crow] Uh-oh.

- For Alex.

- [Tom] She's getting squishy.

- [All] Bleh!

- Alex, he'll be pleasantly
surprised, and impressed.

I have to hurry, dear,
I have things to do.

- What's a four letter word for nuance?

- [Crow] Standard sitcom
joke, landing on runway seven.

- That's easy, J-u-d-y.

- [Mike] Yes (laughs).

- Where are you going, mom?

- Can we give you a lift, Mrs. Adams?

- No thanks, boys.

I don't know what time
I'll be back tonight.

So, I'm taking the car.

- [Bob] Tonight, what about dinner?

- Oh, Judy's taking care of that.

- Judy?

Why Judy can't even boil
water without burning it.

(loud laughs)

Maybe we oughta go to Hamburger Harry's.

At least we'll get something to eat.

- Go ahead, but you'll be sorry.

- Why, I wouldn't think of missing

one of Judy's dinners.

- Thank you, Alex.

- [Tom] Let's get in
the car, let's go quick.

- You shouldn't tease her so, dear.

- Aw, Mom, I was only needling her.

- Well, don't over do it.

You'll give her the reds.

- [Crow] What?

She's squishy, she's got the reds.

What's going on around here?

- [Tom] Your mother's a freak.

- [Crow] Hash brownies look good.

- [Tom] A young Mrs.
Lockhorn prepares dinner.

Do-do-do-do-do-do

Pert, pert, pert, pert, pert.

The Loretta Young show.

- That's really interesting, Alex.

You know, mushrooms are
big favorites of mine.

- [Mike] 'Shrooms, whooh!

- There's quite an air
conditioning problem--

- [Tom] Is this a Noel Coward play?

- Oh, I don't think that'll
be too much of a problem.

- [Crow] When are you going home?

- [Tom] That's what I need, an idea.

Now, to get my bustier out of the freezer.

(bangs glass bowl)

- [Crow] Has anybody noticed
that the daughter is psychotic?

- Well, you can always
give it a try, Mr. Adams.

- [Mike] What the?
- [Crow] Who?

- [Tom] This is like
Three Days of the Condor.

I trust no one in this short.

- [Crow] Oh dear.

- Oh me, dinner will be ruined.

- [Crow] Shut up, the
men are talking in here.

- [Judy] Oh, I don't know what I'll do.

- Oh, excuse me, sir.

Lady in distress.

- Sure.

- [Tom] Heave to, my friend.

- [Alex] Trouble, Judy?

Can I help?

- It's the mixer, it just won't work.

- Well, let me take a look.

- [Tom] Talk to your dad about mushrooms.

He'll think I have breasts, the old fart.

- There we are.
- [Tom] God, you're dumb.

- The plug slipped out, that's all.

- How do you suppose that happened?

- [Tom] Duh.

- Just one of those things.

First thing you do when
an appliance doesn't work

is find out if it's plugged in.

That's the trouble, most of the time.

- [Mike] There.
- [Crow] Good point.

- That what time study is?

- No, what, are you
interested in time study?

- Mother was telling me that--

(Crew make airplane zooming noises)

- It's a hobby of mine.

- [Tom] Set the hook.

Play him, plenty of line.

- Take your kitchen.

Ever noticed anything about it?

- [Tom] It's a prison?

- There's the electric
range, the electric sink,

the garbage disposer,
- [Tom] Electric.

- The dishwasher
- [Tom] Electric

- The refrigerator
- [Tom] Electric.

- And the freezer.
- [Tom] Electric.

- Exactly, all wonderful helps.

Now, here's something you probably

never thought about, Judy.

The kitchen today is like
a factory in a lot of ways.

- [Crow] Where's your upper lip?

- Appliance can only be good
if the right tools are used.

- [Crow] Yeah, but your upper lip.

Where did?

- Best machine that money can buy.

- [Crow] Have you considered braces?

- As a result, the work is done faster,

better, and easier, just as
it is in a modern kitchen.

See what I mean?

- Oh yes, and you're so
smart about all these things.

- Not really, Judy.

It's just that I'm interested,

and like to make a study of them.

- [Tom] Now, let's get those clothes off.

- Now here's another thing.

- Not only are the best tools important.

But, everything connected with their use

is taken into consideration.

- [Crow] Don't wag your
finger at me, pink boy.

- Just like machines in our factories.

- [Tom] He's heatin' up.

- Straight line production.

- [Tom] He's in the zone.

- They're not set this way just for looks.

- [Mike] Wow.

- They're placed this way
for a definite purpose.

To save work, time, and unnecessary steps.

- Golly, I'm so impressed.

- [Tom] Needs to meet a musician.

- [Mike] Yeah.

- It's called, time and motion study.

Come here.

- [Crow] Bring that sweet
behind over this way.

Let me work on that zipper.

- Take your home freezer.

- [Crow] Get in.

- Full of fresh frozen foods.

Well, there's a definite
saving of time and money.

- [Crow] And you wanna study this.

- And right next to it

- [Crow] Don't tell me, I know.

- The refrigerator, keeps day to day food

in perfect freshness.

- [Tom] Hmm, now tell me about the drapes.

- And the dishwasher,
now there's a machine

that does away with a
chore that everybody hates.

- [Crow] I did not know that.

- Right next to it, the garbage disposer.

- [Crow] Put your arm in there.

- Very convenient.

- [Tom] Bring your buns
over here, sweet cheeks.

- The electric range--

- [Crow] Yeow!

- Complete with automatic cook, right.

And only a few steps from
where the food is kept.

- [Tom] So, it's like a normal kitchen.

- Notice how it all adds
up to one important thing?

- What?

- [Mike] Love.

- Consideration for the housewife.

- [Crow] How does someone become,

how you say, a housewife?

- Even that mixer is a big work saver.

- Oh, golly, my whipped cream.

- [Tom] Just pour that in there.

That's right, that's good.

That's a bowl you know.

- Imagine having to do that the hard way?

By hand.

- [Crow] Judy, beyond thunder squishy.

- [Dad] I hope you brought your

appetite with you.
- [Crow] Odd meatloaf, honey.

- [Alex] Oh, I certainly did, sir.

- The table looks beautiful, Judy.

- Oh, thank you, Alex.

- [Tom] When are you leaving, Alex?

- Here's to Judy.

- To Judy.

- [Crow] Judy, Judy, Judy.

- Well, I brought along my appetite, too.

So, let's sample it.

- [Alex] That's for me, sir.

- [Dad] How about you, Bob?

- [Bob] Oh, but quick.

Just a small piece for the boy at the end.

- [Tom] Well, I'll try to get
through, jeez it's (grunts).

(Tom belches loudly)

- Perfect dinner, Judy.

- [Crow] That's whatcha shoulda cooked.

- And you said she couldn't
boil water without burning it.

- [Tom] You're a damned liar.

- Pineapple juice, chilled just right.

And that ham steak, oh brother.

- [Tom] Take me.

- [Alex] Creamy potatoes,
buttered lima beans,

and that wonderful cherry
pie with whipped cream.

- [Bob] All right, all right.

- I think we should make
him eat all his meals

at Hamburger Harry's for that.

- [Tom] I'm not kidding, this
is really exciting to me.

- Delicious meal Judy,
and I'm very proud of you.

- Yep, Judy, you did all right.

- Thanks, but I can't take all the credit.

Our kitchen does everything but talk.

- [Crow] Ho, ho, delightful.

- About that lecture.

I dunno, after such a wonderful meal

I'd fall asleep in a lecture.

- [Mike] Oh, boy, here it comes.

- I thought, maybe, how'd
you like to go dancing?

- Dancing.
- [Crow] (dog panting noises)

- Oh Alex, how dreamy.
- [Crow] (dog whining noises)

- Okay, well let's get
going on the dishes.

And, Bob, you can take in
the lecture if you want.

- No thanks.
- [Tom] I'm weird.

- I'm gonna watch TV
tonight, a lot of good shows.

- And don't you young folks
worry about the dishes.

They're no trouble around here, you know.

- Oh, Dad, you're a doll.

- [Tom] Actually, I'm being indited, but.

- Come on, Alex.

- [Alex] See ya later.

- [Dad] Good night.

- [Tom] Double bag it, son.

- Say, let me give you
a hand with these, Dad.

- Okay, son.

- [Tom] Why don't you strap
on some heels and a wig,

the way I've been emasculated.

- [Mike] Your mother's
clipped me like a gelding,

for god's sake.

- Oh, hello there.

- [Crow] Nice to see you, oh, ho, ho.

- Well, how did it go, big success?

- Tremendous success.

- We've got quite a girl there, Mother.

Quite a girl.

- [Tom] And my lockjaw's back.

- What are those?

- Tickets to the lecture
- [Crow] Nothing, nothing.

- Wanna go with me?

Alex left them.

Something about growing mushrooms

under artificial conditions.

- [Tom] And avoiding the narcs.

- I might find out how to
grow 'em in the basement.

Say, I could move your laundry.

- Oh no you don't.

Really Harry, this is the end.

- [Tom] (laughs mockingly) This film is

brought to you by the nerd council.

Support your local nerd.

- [Mike] And a generous grand from the

mom corporation, the
incredible power of mom.

(cheesy upbeat music)

- [Crow] So, the point of this short is

we should dabble in mushroom growing.

♫ Susan slept here

♫ Do-do-do ♫

(door slams)

♫ hum-diddy-hee-hee ♫

- Diddy hee- hee?

♫ Hum-diddy-hee-hee ♫

- Hey, Mike.

- Yeah.

- I figured out it would be

a lot more convenient for all of us

if you moved the Mads Light
over to the left a little.

- Okay
- [Crow] Great.

- All right, no problem

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, back, back.

- Back this way?

- Back, back, nudge, just a nudge.

- Just, okay.

- Little more,
- [Mike] There?

- Inch more, inch more,
teensy, teensy baby step.

There, whoa, whoa, stop.

(beeping)

- Weird.

- Bad news, Mike, our theme
song tested rather poorly,

and, well I'm a big time executive,

and I made a snap decision.

We're gonna start out own radio station,

and we're going to name it, Frank.

- A radio station, called Frank?

- That's right, so go on,
turn your crank to Frank.

- Less talk.

- And more new country.

- Wynonna

- Billy Ray Cyrus.

- Love that Frank.

- Okay.

- Yeah, well, I can't
promise that I personally

will be turning my crank to Frank, but I--

- But it's a radio station, called Frank.

- More Garth, more Reba.

- Wynonna.

(grumbling chatter over each other)

- Brooks and Dunn.

- Aw, I don't even know.

- Brooks and Dunn.

- Wynonna.

- What is Wynonna?

- Don't ya see how great it is?

My name is Frank.

The radio station's name is Frank.

It's totally uncharacteristic
to name a radio station Frank.

- More Garth, more Reba.

- Wynonna.

- Am I out of Reba?

Do I need more Reba?

- Or any Wynonna?

- I don't know, sorry guys.

Gotta think about this one.

Turning my crank to Frank?

(upbeat electronic music)

(grumbling chatter over each other)

(dramatic orchestral music)

- [Tom] I don't know who Reba is.

- [Crow] Yes, the Bobby Knight story.

- [Mike] The inquisition
were violent years.

- [Tom] And the crusades

- [Crow] And the Hun years, too.

- [Mike] The 30 Years War.

- [Tom] How long was that war?

- [Mike] It was about, hey.

(laughs)

- [Crow] New York City,
the city that never moves.

- [Mike] Are there
Parkins' involved in this?

- [Crow] Poor Carl Parkins,
he had brown suede shoes,

he was so close.

Not quite close.

- [Tom] So, is this the naked city?

- [Mike] It's the scantily clad city.

- [Tom] Whoo.
- [Crow] He did it again.

- [Tom] Zing.

- [Crow] Are you quite finished?

- [Tom] Uh-oh, the movie has
a surgeon general's warning.

Oh, they should have never
used a Manuel Francisco

on this movie.

An electric one would be so much better.

- [Mike] Traffic is hardly
moving on the bridge, tonight.

- [Crow] Victor Most of California

except Lanpak.

- [Mike] Okay.

- [Crow] The thick chalk years.

Everyone forced to write
with the Palmer Method.

- [Tom] Well, I gotta go buy some drugs,

and insult some people, and
abandon my parents and friends.

- [Mike] That's straight from
Thomas Payne, by the way.

- [Crow] Well, let's not forget
adequate support garments.

- [Voiceover] This is a story of violence.

A violence born of the
uncontrolled passions

of adolescent youth, and nurtured

by this generation of parents.

- [Crow] The devil made me do it.

- [Voiceover] Closed in their own

smug little world of selfish interests,

and confused ideas of
parental supervision,

refuse to believe today's
glaring headlines.

- [Mike] The name's Friday.

- [Voiceover] But it has happened.

Only the people and places
have been given other names.

- [Tom] Courtney Love.

- [Crow] Hey, how about a little sugar

for the father of my country, huh.

I will not tell a lie.

- [Tom] God, my teeth hurt.

Thank you.

(laughs)

- [Crow] Ba-boom.

- [Mike] This office is
just off the cafeteria.

- [Tom] Just dropped a
hell of a turd in there,

if you know what I mean.

Judge Droken.

- [Crow] Let's hear it
for your headliner, ah.

- [Voiceover] You may be
seated and come to order.

Court is now in session.

The Honorable Raymond
Clara, judge presiding.

- [Tom] Fake court will now begin.

- Will you approach the bench, please.

- [Mike] But, don't touch it,
it's made out of Styrofoam.

Have you got a $5.00 I
could borrow until tomorrow?

- It's always difficult for an old friend

to sit in judgement of an old friend.

- [Crow] But, you're going down, man.

- Law is law, and it must
be administered to one as

to another.

- [Tom] Do your worst, ya puss.

- It now comes to light that both of you,

over the past 18 years,
have proven yourselves

utterly incompetent.

- [Crow] Thank you.

- With the most important responsibility

given to a man and his wife.

- [Crow] Sir, it's one parking ticket.

- I refer to the bringing up
of children in your own home.

- [Tom] Honey, don't laugh.

- In all fairness

(crew loud snoring noises)

to the society which
you so miserably failed,

an injustice to this child.

(crew loud snoring)

I must deny your request.

- [Tom] By the way, you're
ugly and stupid, too.

- [Woman in Hat] How am I to blame?

Where could I have failed?

I remember I gave her
everything she ever wanted.

- [Crow] Her neck is having a flashback.

- [Voiceover] Everything.

- [Tom] Ladies and gentlemen,
your screenwriter, Ed Wood.

- Hi, Mom.

- [Tom] Can I have more of everything?

- Got time to talk a minute,
it's rather important.

- Good gracious, no, I'm
an hour late already.

- [Crow] I'm two weeks late.

- I've gotta be first and all
that sort of thing, you know.

Besides, what can be so important

in your young life as to

warrant my attention so drastically?

- [Mike] Wow.

- Well, it's been a long time

since we had a heart to heart talk.

- There, there, it can wait.

- [Crow] Go away.

- Besides, what can be more
important than our charities?

So many children and needy families.

- [Crow] Really bugs me.

- We're so busy this time of year.

And it's very, very important.

- I guess you're right, Mother.

- Of course I am.

- [Crow] Now, go do some crimes.

- Thank you, darling.

Tell you a secret.

- [Mike] I hate you.

- I think I like it down
at the club so much,

because I keep getting such nice flattery.

The girls are always saying,

my, my, how young and pretty you look.

- [Tom] For an old hag.

- With you an 18-year-old daughter.

- But, you are pretty, mother.

- Oh, go along with you.

But, it does sound good.

Got a date tonight?

- Well, sort of.

- Oh, you pretty one, of course you do.

But, what night lately haven't you?

- [Mike] Watch 227.

- You come in as late as you have been,

do be careful and not make any noise.

- Dad?

- Oh, don't get me wrong,

he hasn't complained, or said anything.

- [Tom] In fact, he
hasn't moved in a week.

- The poor man works so hard.

That newspaper will be the death of him.

- [Crow] His route is killing him.

- Do be a dear and take
care when you come in?

He needs what little rest he can get.

- [Tom] It got rough last night.

- Thank goodness you aren't one of those

character types that your father's paper

is always printing about.

- Need some mad money?

Or is he a gentleman?

- I have enough, Mother.

- Don't be silly.

There's never enough.

- [Tom] Please, no more,
not again, my life is hell.

Enough, no more money.

- You left the amount blank again.

I could be mean and fill
it in for a fortune.

- You could, but you won't.

Let me know how much you make it out for,

so that I can keep my
bank balance straight.

- All right, Mother.

Will you be using my car again, tonight?

- If you don't mind, dear.

You can use mine.

- Now I'll tell you a secret.

- [Tom] This doesn't make sense.

- There are times I like yours better.

Tonight is one of those times.

- [Crow] Keep your life
to yourself, honey.

One googolplex, and 79 cents.

- [Crow] Oh, my life is hell.

How much more of this can I take?

I'm going to report her child protection.

- [Tom] Hello.

- Phil, this is Paul.

- [Tom] Paul?

- Is everything ready?

- [Tom] Who is this?

- Good, George and Gerry show yet?

- [Tom] Paul?

- Stop worrying, they'll get to you.

- [Tom] But, I don't know any Paul.

- I'll be along as soon as I get dressed.

- Mother just this minute left.

- [Tom] But, who's Paul, I don't know any.

Think I'll throw pig's blood on the wall.

- [Crow] Think of the hellish life.

Your mother writing you blank checks.

But does that justify going
out and making right turns?

No, I say to you.

- [Tom] Society owes me a Kit Kat bar.

- [Crow] Rosewood Super Service.

Soon to be, Rosewood's Lickity Lube.

- [Tom] Every minute away
from my porno mags is hell.

Good evening, it's my
pleasure to serve you, hey.

- [Crow] Huh, Benazir
Bhutto is holding him up.

(dramatic orchestra music)

(Tom hums dramatic music)

- [Tom] There's a free oil
filter with every fill up.

Hey, do we want the Ridged Tool calender?

- [Mike] Ooh, left turn.

- [Tom] You can trust our octanes.

Check your hoses?

Need an area map, we got plenty.

Hello girls, good luck with the hold up.

Saw your mom in here the other day.

(dramatic orchestra music)

- [Mike] Let's go, we've got
all the barrel of fun snacks.

- [Tom] Please, take an air freshener.

(Thud)

I'll just go ahead and fall, then.

(Mike laughs)

- [Tom] Hey, your rear
tire is a little low.

- [Crow] Ding ding.

Ding ding.

Was the restroom clean?

(upbeat electronic music)

- [Tom] Well, I did a c-section,

but I was unable to find anything.

- [Man Black Suit] Will
he pull through, doc?

- He hasn't regained consciousness,

and it's top heavy odds he ever will.

- [Man Black Suit] Pretty bad, huh?

- Pretty bad.

- These fool kids, when will they learn.

- These aren't kids.

These are morons.

- [Crow] Will he ever pump again?

- [Man Dark Suit] Hi, Barney

- Lieutenant, Tom, doctor.

- [Mike] Honey.

- [Crow] Peep Peep.

- [Tom] Cookie.

- Pretty bad one this time.

How about it, doc.

- Pretty bad.

I'll get back to you later
if there's any change.

- [Mike] Aw, he said he'd give
me a deal on wiper blades.

- [Man In Hat] Anything I can print?

- You heard the doctor, nothing.

- Suppose it's the same gang?

- Chances are.

If only he comes to, then we'll be--

- Well if it is the same gang,

that brings their record to 17.

- And the last 7 of them
have been gas stations.

- [Mike] Any pattern?

- Looks like they'll make
a specialty of gas stations

for a while now.

- If they do, we may be ready for them.

- How do you mean?

- [Crow] Well, we'll prepare ourselves.

- All gas stations open after 10 pm

will be warned to have two
men on duty at all times.

One of those men could be a policeman.

- [Tom] Well, I tried to jump start him.

That didn't work.

- Lieutenant, I left Dr. Ryan in charge.

The man was lucky, he'll pull through.

- [Crow] Well, let's just
let the scene peter out.

(laughs)

- [Tom] All but the Teutonic races

will never be capable of leadership,

and yet they breed rapidly like

the mongrels that they, oh
(clears throat) more later.

- Hi Chief.

- Oh, hello, Barney.

- [Mike] Where's your big purple suit?

- What's the matter?

- Oh, I'm tired, but no more than you.

- Yeah.

- [Crow] I mean you look really bad.

- Too much to newspapers these days.

- I haven't seen my
daughter, Paula, in a week.

I ran into her up at
school earlier this week.

- [Tom] Well, stalked her.

- She gets more beautiful every day.

- Like I said, I wouldn't know.

- One of these days, I'm
gonna take a day off.

- Maybe get to know her again.

- [Crow] Nah, who am I kidding.

- What happened down at the hospital?

- Well, the gas station
attendant pulled through.

- [Crow] Good, I need gas.

- He'll spend a couple
weeks in the hospital,

but he'll live.

- How much could he tell?

- It was the same gang.

- [Tom] Whoa.

- Wore masks, Levi's, leather jackets.

- [Mike] Looked like your daughter.

- Gloves, with a handful of guns.

- [Chief] Same bunch,
probably the same clues.

- [Mike] Who's that on the wall, Chopin?

- Well, no fingerprints, '55 sedan,

- [Mike] Schubert?

- Licence unknown, masks,
caps covering their hair,

same old routine.

- Well, our little gang has
one thing in their favor.

- [Barney] Yeah, what's that?

- They haven't killed anyone.

(crew laughs)

- Yet.

- That's not their fault,
they've tried hard enough.

- [Crow] Maybe it's Sting?

- [Mike] Sting, yeah.

- [Chief] Too bad we
can't do anything about

giving them a little more time.

However, they happen to be news.

- [Mike] Thank you, Ben Bradley.

- You stick with the police department.

See this this thing through.

- [Mike] I'm going back to sleep.

- You're the boss, chief.

- [Crow] We gotta get this story out,

by, oh, next week is fine.

- [Tom] Rosicrucian are
growing nearer, I smelled.

- [Crow] Hey, that's the
same right turn as before.

Tom McKay Hill says, the big 55 Caddie

rides smooth.

Oh the passion, I find you so acceptable.

Here comes the Page Cavenagh Trio.

- [Mike] They're on display.

- [Crow] They parked under the RKO logo.

Oh your smoldering averageness, stop me.

He gonna kiss her?

- [Tom] You are acceptable
as a mate. Take me now.

- [Tough Girl] Ain't love somethin'.

- What is this, Johnny who are they?

- [Tough Girl] Don't ask so
many questions, you might

find the answers.

- [Crow] , that's true, but
how does that apply here?

- [Tough Girl Black
Skirt] Gerry be careful.

That's a beautiful sweater.

- [Tom] Why thank you.

- [Tough Girl Black Skirt] Take it off.

- What are you talking about.

- You ain't got stuffin' in your ears.

Take that sweater off.

- I won't like--

- Shut up, and do as she says.

- Do what they say,
Shirley, they've got guns.

- Yes, Shirley, we've got guns.

- [Tom] The Peggy Noonan gang.

- You're very observant for a pretty boy.

- For god's sake, Shirl,

take the sweater off, give it to her.

- [Tom] I got this at Falbushes,

they got them in six sizes.

- Now buster, your turn.

Step out.

- [Crow] I just want to say,

I'm totally amenable to taking off

any clothes you want, oh my, oh.

- Turn around, put your
hands out in front of you.

Lean forward and put your
hands on the car door.

Come on, come on, we
haven't got all night.

You've seen this done before.

- [Tom] Take off your underwear,

without taking off your pants.

- [Mike] I really think
you need to spank me.

I've been bad.

- [Crow] Whenever I get to the end,

I fall into a wormhole, sorry.

- A lousy 11 bucks.

You characters outta
learn to carry more dough.

- You can stand up, now.

- [Tom] And take my pants off, right?

- Maybe he's got more
to offer than his money.

- What are you getting at?

- [Crow] I got a Jerry Garcia, tie.

- Big strong, little pretty maybe, but.

- Yeah, under conventional circumstances.

He could be very interesting.

- Why wait for conventional circumstances?

- [Crow] Why indeed, yes.

- You've got a point there

- What about her?

- Aw, tie her up and toss
her in the back of this heap.

- [Mike] Tough luck honey, jeez.

- Tie her up?

- [Paula] You heard me.

- Sure I heard you, but
maybe you'd like to tell me,

what I use to tie her up with?

- [Crow] Well, I got
some rope in the trunk.

- Use the skirt, that looks strong enough.

Tear it up and use it.

- You heard her, girl, get a move on.

- [Mike] I'm sorry but this is so great.

- [Tom] I completely
condone what you're doing.

- Now back to you, handsome.

- Look, you have my money.

You have my watch.

You have my ring.

What more do you want?

- [Tom] You'll be going down real soon.

This works as a nice matching, cuff, too.

- Toss her in the back of this heap.

- Okay, but do you mind
telling us where we're going?

- Some place where it's safe.

Just follow us.

- [Crow] Dr. Forrester has
sent us a truly great movie.

Rabbit goes around the feet, though the...

- [Mike] Could you switch
the radio station, please?

- [Tom] She'll probably
be okay, bye honey.

- [Crow] Don't wait up,
honey, I'm doing this for you.

- [Mike] Now if all four of you

have to get involved I understand.

It could get rough and that's fine.

- [Tom] Fourth date in a row
with him this is happening.

I'm beginning to suspect something.

- [Crow] A Fanta sweet will
never satisfy her again.

- [Tom] I beg of you, don't
lightly kiss my belly,

and then don't nibble at my nipple buds,

and don't drag your
shiny hair across my body

because I hate that.

You know there's a spot behind my ear,

please don't kiss there.

- [Crow] $11 went a long way back then.

- [Mike] Hey, girls, can
I see your park permit?

Oh my god.

- [Tom] Okay, squeal, piggy.

- [Mike] What a great movie.

- [Crow] We gotta get Gypsy.

- [Tom] She's gotta see this.

- [Mike] Oh my god.

- [Crow] Penthouse forum,
the motion picture.

(shrieks loudly)

- [Tom] Oh, tattle-tale, jeez.

Okay honey, I'll meet you at home.

Refuses to file charges.

- [Tom] Says, thank you, thank
you, thank you, thank you.

Hundreds of men flock to crime scene.

- [Tom] They took turns with Tommy,

and there was four of them.

(dramatic orchestra music)

(upbeat electronic music)

- [Voiceover] Ladies and
gentlemen, Esther Hoffman Howard.

- (clears throat) ♫ With
one more look at you

♫ I could learn to ♫

No, I can't, I can't, I can't.

Oh, no, I can't, I can't, no, no, no.

(sobbing) Oh no, I can't, I can't.

Oh no, oh no, oh, oh

(loud crying, screaming and wailing)

Oh gah, oh, gah, oh.

(loud crying, screaming, and wailing)

Oh my god, where, what, oh, here we go.

(loud crying, screaming and wailing)

(breathes heavily)

Okay.

♫ Are you watching me now?

♫ Watch closely now ♫

(loud buzzer)

(Tom mumbles crazily)

- [Crow] Good news, Streisand killed.

- [Mike] Good, I don't
wanna anything about it.

- You won't forget
about the party tonight.

- [Crow] Party?
- [Dad] What party?

- See, I knew you wouldn't
remember when I told you,

it's Paula's birthday party.

- [Mike] Paula, who's Paula?

- I didn't forget.

Well, it's impossible for me.

I've got a newspaper to get out.

With these young hoodlums
running rampage through the town,

I'm kept pretty much on the go.

Especially at night,
that's when they work.

Who knows when, or where,
they'll strike again.

- Sometimes, you sound
more like a policeman,

thank a newspaper man.

- Sometimes, there isn't much difference.

(Tom laughs mockingly)

- That is too bad, I
can't be here, either.

She's having a pajama party this year.

- What in the world is a pajama party?

- Oh, they all sit around, play games,

dressed in their pajamas.

- [Crow] Oh what tonight tonight.

- No boys invited.

- Oh, I see.

- We are having our
charity bazaar tonight,

and I'm the duly elected
chairman of the sales committee.

I've just got to be there.

- Well, Paula's old enough
to take care of herself, now.

I'll get a little gift this afternoon, and

have one of the boys from the office

stop by with it tonight.

- Oh, she'll like that.

Paula is such an understanding child.

- [Tom] Well, goodbye, my
suffocating little ice queen.

- See you when I can.

- [Crow] Is that vague enough for ya?

- [Tom] Yup, I'm really
off to the newspaper.

I'm certainly not going to that spot

where they attacked that fellow, no.

- [Crow] (sighs loudly) Freedom, oh.

- [Tom] Hello, did you
have an appointment?

- Happy birthday, darling.

- Thanks, Mom.

- You were out late again last night.

- A little.

- I can tell, your eyes don't
sparkle the way they should.

Do you feel ill?

- No, just a little tired.

- A good breakfast will fix you up.

What would you like to have this morning?

- [Tom] A bank check.

- Please don't bother,
I'm just not hungry.

- Now, now, mother knows best.

You're a growing girl.

You need your vitamins for strength.

Now, you just sit there
and I'll get you something.

It'll only take a minute.

It's all ready.

You'll have plenty of time before school.

- [Tom] Oh sure, those
cheerful morning words,

and tender pat on the cheek,
meant to hurt and scar.

- [Mike] Ooh.

- [Crow] Another classic walk
across the living room scene.

Freedom.

- [Tom] Honey, here's your Slimfast.

- [Mike] I coulda sworn I had a daughter.

- [Crow] I drive everyone
away with my affectionate,

good–natured demeanor.

- [Mike] Sign up here, for
all of your stakeout duty.

- [Crow] ♫ Da-da-da-da-da=da-da-da-da-da ♫

- [Tom] Big plans for the government.

Why has the lord chosen me, you might ask.

- Paula, what in the world
brings you down here.

- Hi, Dad, it's been so
long since I've seen you,

I thought I'd drop in today.

It's my birthday, you know.

- Happy birthday.

- [Crow] Now, get out.

- Gee, I'm sorry honey, I
can't be at your party tonight.

But, you know how busy I am.

- [Mike] See.

- I understand, Dad.

Then you wouldn't look good at an all girl

pajama party, now would you?

- Well this certainly is a surprise.

- I thought it would be.

- [Tom] I'm Paula, your daughter.

- No classes until 1:30 and
an extra long lunch hour.

- Oh, I see.

- [Mike] What's this rag?

Oh, it's your...

- Have they got a line on the girls

that did this yet?

- Now, don't you bother
your pretty little head

about such things, that's
your Dad's department.

- It could be very important to me.

- How do you mean?

- [Crow] You know, significant.

- Well, I'm up for president
of the student body

this year.

This type of thing you
call juvenile delinquency

could help me.

- [Mike] That picture is of Hamilton?

- [Crow] Is that Lee?

- If you knew how to prevent it,

you'd go down in history
as the greatest person

of our time.

- [Crow] After Casey Stengel, of course.

- I figure it this way, Dad.

- [Tom] Barbie doll.

- [Mike] Hector Berlioz?

- You get the low down
almost as soon as it happens.

- Guess you're right about that.

What is it you want me to do?

- That's easy.

As soon as anything happens, you tell me.

- [Dad] Everything?

- Everything.

- [Tom] There's a ten spot in it for you.

- So what, it's not to big for you.

I hardly catch you at home anymore.

So, I'll have to see you here.

- [Mike] Ouch.

- Well, if it'll help you
to be president, I'll do it.

- Dad, you're a peach.

Now, anything new on last night's bunch?

- Have you read the paper?

- Yes.

- Then you have the story.

- Honest.

- Honest.

- [Mike] C'mon you write
tappy dick for godsake.

- Either the girls have
no previous records,

or they're from out of town.

It's Lieutenant Holmes theory

that they were from out of town.

- [Crow] No we weren't, ooh.

- Boys can't identify any of them

from the police pictures files.

And there it will stay until
something else turns up.

- What about the gas station affair,

is there anything new on that?

- [Tom] Say please.

- Nothing you could call new.

Four young boys.

- [Crow] The Dave Clark Five?

Oh.

- Holmes is putting a
policeman in mechanic's clothes

with each gas station staying
open after ten at night.

- [Mike] Oh.

- [Dad] If the gang tries
another gas station heist,

They'll be all through.

- [Mike] Unless they hit liquor stores.

- Well, that's interesting
enough, for a starter.

- [Tom] Oh, by the way, have they built

any 7Eleven's around here?

- Bye.

- [Crow] What a neat kid.

Wish I had a daughter like her.

- [Tom] Come on girls,

let's spin donuts in the football field.

- [Crow] Ow, my pits hurt.

- I'm calling off the gas station jobs.

- Oh we can't call off Clanton's

- We already have.

- But why?

We coulda had more of a ball at Clantons,

than all the rest put together.

- Maybe I'd be a little
too much excitement,

even for us.

The cops have pulled sneak.

They'll be waiting for us

- So what, how can the cops
know we picked Clantons?

- I'll explain later.

The main thing is they know.

Puts an end to our gas
station jobs for a while.

We'll have to think up something else.

- [Crow] I hate robing retail.

- Think up something to get
back at Principle Bates.

- She have you on the carpet, again?

- Yeah, the old witch.

- What did you do this time?

- Practically nothing.

- [Mike] Killed a cop.

- Nothing for them to
get so hep up about it.

Just that math.

Teacher flunked me
again, so I told her off.

- [Mike] Wow.

- I'd like to get even with all of em.

- Maybe you'll get the chance sometime.

We'll have to go over to Shelia's tomorrow

and get rid a last weeks loot.

- [Crew] We hear and obey.

- How come we don't use
your car on our jobs?

How come your mother's all the time?

- My car would be spotted a mile a way.

Let's get in.

- [Crow] By the way, we're all

pregnant from the guy we attacked.

- [Tom] Ah, yes, the
scene that was condemned

by the Catholic League of America.

- [Crow] But I wanna rob Clanton's.

- [Mike] Shut up.

Hello?

- [Crow] They arrived in a u-boat.

They're all standing up in that car.

(laughs)

- [Tom] Oh, they have to
pick up Mamie Van Dorm.

- [Mike] That'd be hard.

- [Crow] Oh, phooey, it
says no solicitation.

Well, back in the car.

- [Tom] Okay, let's rob

the entire apartment building, instead.

- [Mike] Did anybody
remember the potato salad?

- [Crow] So, is this that Melrose Place

everyone's been talking about?

- [Tom] I know, they dress as men,

so they can live in
this apartment building.

- [Mike] (laughs) Nice.

(doorbell buzzes)

- [Crow] ♫ Walk like a man, talk like a ♫

Hello

- [Mike] Well, I don't know who you are,

or why you're here, but come on in.

[Tom] Sal Mineo entertains at home.

- You kids have been lucky.

- So what, maybe we're
just a little smart.

- Just be careful you don't get too smart

for your own good.

- [Mike] ♫ A double pleasure
is waiting for you ♫

- I'll get them.

- [Crow] Well, you look good.

- What have you got this time, more junk.

- We've never brought you junk, yet.

- Couldn't get back
half of what I paid you

for that last mess.

- Yeah, losing your money
get you a set up like this?

- [Mike] Isn't that Harpo on the right?

- [Tom] I think, uh-huh.

- Just as I thought, junk.

- Those are real diamonds.

I had them appraised.

- Appraised?

Well that was kind of foolish wasn't it?

You could be caught if they were traced.

- What do you take me for, a stoop?

- [Tom] No, a porch.

(laughs)

- He offered me $200
for the bracelet alone.

- $500 for the lot.

- I think we'll take
our business to Jimmy.

- [Crow] Ah, the free market at work.

- Come on gang, Shelia
doesn't wanna be bothered

with us anymore.

- [Tom] Let's take our
air fresheners elsewhere.

- You're a bunch of blackmailers.

- Oh, not that big, yet.

But give us a chance.

We're still growing.

- [Tom] We like milk, and it shows.

- Did you really see Jimmy this time?

- What difference does it make?

We got what we wanted.

I'm not interested in the money.

There's plenty of that at home.

It's the principle of the thing.

I don't want anyone getting the idea

they can put something over on us.

Shelia'd take our eye teeth
and then try to steal the rest.

It's the thrill that gets me.

The thrill of the chase made me.

- [Tom] Oh, and shopping.

I like to shop.

- [Crow] (gulping noises)
Oh, goodness, I like Squirt.

- [Mike] Ugh, here comes Uncle Mame.

- [Sheila] $750.00, you
think you're pretty smart.

Don't you?

- I don't think, I know.

That's why I'm the leader of this pack.

- You're a punk, or you wouldn't

be tied up in this small
time, penny ante business.

- You got better ideas?

- Maybe.

- Speak your piece.

- [Crow] Or forever hold you now.

- You can take the bottle
into the bedroom for a while.

I wanna talk to Paula, privately.

- [Tom] Uh, which one of us is Paula?

- And close the door.

- [Tom] Beat it Harpo, ah, ah.

- Start talking.

- [Tom] I just wanted to tell you,

how much I love your outfits.

- What do ya think about school?

- What are you driving at?

- I've got a connection
that doesn't like school.

- [Crow] Chester the third grader.

- Most kids don't.

- We're not talking kid talk.

It's worth a lot of money
to a certain organization

if certain damages are reported.

- I don't get it.

- You don't have to.

All you have to know is if you
can wreck a few school rooms,

you can make yourself, and
your pack, a load a dough.

- How much dough?

- More than you can use.

Besides, you've always said,
the money means nothing to you.

- [Tom] But it's about $10.00

- Why would anyone pay
to have schools wrecked?

- That's none of your business, or mine.

I have the connection.

And besides, there'll be
a great thrill behind this

move, and don't worry if a few flags

get destroyed in the process.

- [Tom] (gasps) Not Old Glory.

- Let's say it's part of a
well organized foreign plan.

- [Crow] Communism, whoa.

- You don't have to.

All you have to do is what you're told.

- [Crow] Now, go to your room.

- How soon do we move?

- Just as soon as you can.

But be careful you're not caught.

You're no good to me in the clink.

- [Tom] Clink.

- We won't get caught.

- I don't know how you can be so sure.

- [Crow] I wear Secret.

- It's easy.

- [Tom] This is one of the
rough spots in the dialectic.

- [Crow] Oh, Pete Hamill's place.

(upbeat jazz music)

- [Mike] They love this song, don't they.

- [Crow] Oh, look at those pajamas.

She may as well be nude.

- [Mike] Ah, the pajama pardigm.

- [Tom] I could use a hand here.

All right, who's next?

- [Mike] They'll strip in the
woods for a total stranger,

but they're modest in their own home.

(laughs)

- [Crow] Now there's a
girl who takes squishy-ness

and does something about it.

I think we're out of
s'mores, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

- [Mike] Ooh, his pajamas
are a little formal.

- [Tom] Have you ever
thought of the advantages

of owning a truly fine
set of encyclopedias?

- [Crow] I wouldn't invite Ralph Bellamy

to my slumber party.

- [Tom] ♫ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♫

Your zipper seems to be stuck.

- You talk too much.

- Well all she did was
say you're the right guy,

and that I should meet you.

And as pretty as you are, I'm glad I came.

- I don't need her to
pick my friends for me.

- [Crow] Over my nose.

- I'm sure you don't.

- I'm pretty particular.

- Well I'm sure you are.

- I've played it alone for a long time.

- [Tom] Sure you have.

- That's how I plan to keep it.

- Maybe I should look for
my new company elsewhere.

- No, you're here now,
you might as well stay.

- Okay, since I'm now an invited guest,

you won't mind my giving
you a birthday gift.

- [Tom] Oh, I've already got one of these.

Do you have a receipt, so I can return it?

- [Crow] Oh heck, what's one more.

(loud jazz music)

- [Tom] ♫ Do anything but
lay off my blue suede shoes ♫

- [Crow] Pajamas, jazz and communism.

This is wild.

- [Tom] Oh, he's making
out with Erin Moran.

Someone's dancing to Otis.

- [Crow] Skin, I see skin.

- [Mike] Take it easy.

- [Crow] I don't, it's gone.

- [Tom] Masters and Johnson,
we've got some advice for you.

(loud knock)

- [Crow] Make-out police,
come out with your lips up.

- [Tom] Hi, you ready?

- [Manny] Yeah.

- I'd like to speak to Miss Parkins

- [Tom] Yeah.

- [Manny] Uh-huh.

- Yes.

- [Manny] What about?

- [Crow] Vinyl siding.

- I don't think that's any of your affair.

- Why you.

- It's all right, Manny.

He's from my dad's office.

- [Tom] Go ahead and punch him.

- Fond way to greet a
guest who bears gifts.

A mud butler.

- [Tom] What?

- Don't pay Manny a second thought.

He's seen too many gangster movies.

He's really very nice,
once you get to know him.

- That brings up the point.

Do many people stick around long enough

to get to know him that well?

- [Tom] Quit needling me.

- Can I come in?

- Sure if you want to.

- [Mike] Just let me
explain the mud butler joke.

See, a mud butler is a thing
that is placed in the ground,

bolted, and then you
scrape the mud off your...

You're not buying it.

- [Crow] Well, grab yourself a guy.

I'll see if I can find you a nightie.

- [Tom] I brought an extra lap.

- I see the party's formal dress.

- It's a pajama party.

- [Mike] I was joking again.

- Yeah, I can see that,
but mixed crowd, huh?

- Well ah, gang, I want you to meet

my father's star reporter, Barney Stetson.

- [Tom] Pajama party beat.

- Hi gang.

- [Tom] El seven, man.

- [Mike] What?

- Look, don't let me interrupt anything.

Birthdays are just like Christmas.

They only come once a year.

- [Crow] There is an
audible thud, every time

he tells a joke.

What am I alone in here?

Hello.

- It's kinda cold in
here, all of a sudden.

- [Crow] Again, a joke.
- Don't let it worry you.

- [Tom] I like to smoke,
do you like to smoke?

(gagging)

- That's a cute pair.

- [Crow] Thank you.

- They have their points.

- Oh, almost forgot the
reason for my visit.

Your father's going to
be very late tonight,

and asked me to drop this off for you.

- [Mike] Remote control?

- Poor Dad, he works so hard.

Thanks for bringing it.

- Aren't you gonna open it?

- Later, I know what it is.

Dad gets me the same
present every birthday.

- [Tom] A really little car.

- New watch.

Mom, come look.

- Oh, never mind, Paula.

I saw the new convertible when I came in.

- It never changes.

- [Crow] Like a mud butler?

- Mom and dad haven't been to
my birthday parties in years.

But always the same presents.

Mom sneaks out and takes
my old car in for a trade.

Then has a new one delivered secretly.

Takes a cab to her club.

Funny, I like her sedan better.

- [Mike] I have a really funny line here,

but I'm afraid to use it.

- Let's have some more music.

(upbeat electronic music)

- [Tom] Gotta love ya, Ada Annie.

- Ain't you see enough yet, sob sister?

Maybe you've seen enough
to know you ain't wanted.

- [Paula] Knock it off, Manny.

- I don't like this guy's looks.

- [Tom] Excuse me, I do.

- Why don't you change 'em, Manny.

- Maybe that's a good idea.

What about I should change
your looks, sob sister.

- [Tom] Mud butler.
- [Crow] Sob sister.

- [Tom] Mud butler.
- [Crow] Sob sister.

- [Mike] Ooh.

- How old are you, punk?

- Over 21.

- Well, that's old enough.

- [Tom] Wanna go out sometime?

(thud)

- [Tom] Thanks for stopping by, Ted.

- He asked for that.

- [Mike] I'm trying to think
of a quip or something here.

- You're in bad company, Paula.

But, I don't wanna sound like
I'm telling you your business.

- Then don't try.

- [Mike] Well, I'll see ya again next year

with your new watch.

- [Tom] How'd you guys
like that scene, hmm?

- [Mike] It's something
you'd wipe your boots on,

so it's an... oh forget it.

- [Crow] This is gonna
be the front page story

in the Glenview Shopper.

- [Tom] Change me, oh, ow.

- [Mike] We got trouble,
right here in River City.

- Why that dirty sob sister.

I'll take care of him.

- Haven't you had enough for one night?

- [Crow] This is one of the worst planned

pajama parties, ever.

- Good night, boys, the party's over.

- [Tom] Don't hate me Susan (cries softly)

- But the night's just beginning.

- [Crow] And that goes double for me.

Oh boy, I hope they
show another right turn.

(dramatic orchestra music)

Ha, they backed up the whole way

- [Tom] That's very good.

You scored a 94 on your driver's test.

- [Crow] Boomp, oh no, you hit
the crew and he's really mad.

- [Tom] Let us in, we
gotta make fruit fly media.

- This something I've been waiting for

for a long, long time.

- We'll get it done as
quickly as possible.

We'll get in, get the
job done, and get out.

- [Mike] Isn't it sort of
a general rule at a crime?

- [Crow] I hope they kill Mr. Kotter.

- I'm gonna smash
everything in this joint.

- Let's do it quick and get out of here.

- [Tom] They're going to bring
the 5th grade to its knees.

(crash)

- I hate you.

- [Tom] Stupid inanimate object.

- I wish this was your scrawny neck.

- [Mike] Good good,
you're letting it all out.

Now, what if both your parents were here?

- [Crew] Oh no, no, no not that, no.

- I'll hate you 'til the day I die.

- [Crow] And I'm not
gonna clap the erasers.

- [Tom] I'm making over $1.75 an hour.

(crash)

(shatter)

(bang)

- [Mike] This is actually
encouraged in open schools.

- [Crow] So, how is this
lucrative for them again?

- [Tom] I don't understand.

(clatter)

- [Crow] Girl gang goes on rampage.

President Eisenhower declares
a state of detention.

- [Tom] Down with the globe.

(shatters)

Mrs. Hathaway goes berserk.

This is for you, Betsy
Ross, you stupid, huh?

(siren)

Later, in completely unrelated footage.

(Mike laughs)

- [Mike] Oh, there,
different car, here we go.

- [Crow] Well, if it's
that denuding girl gang,

I'd better go in alone.

- We've all got guns.

Get 'em into action.

- [Mike] Just confess to
tipping the desks over.

Take your chances.

(gun fires)

(gun fires)

- They're shooting back.

- [Mike] What?

The bastards.

- What did you expect them
to do, throw powder puffs?

- Well, our ammunition can't last forever.

- How many have you all got?

- Whatever is in my gun.

- All I've got left is in my gun.

- I've got 10 shells in
my pocket, then poof.

We have to beat it to the car.

- [Crow] I've got gum.

- There's a dozen boxes
under the backseat.

Lay it into 'em fast,
and then we'll beat it.

- [Mike] They need to ask themselves

if this is really worth it.

- [Crow] Yeah.

(guns fire rapidly)

I'll distract them by
letting them assault me.

- Look at 'em jump.

Just like rabbits.

- [Crow] Rabbits with big guns.

And good aim.

- [Mike] Yes.

- It ain't
- [Mike] Isn't.

- supposed to be this way.

- [Crow] She died as she lived.

Failing algebra.

- [Tom] Just tell me where
the mascara is, aw jeez.

- Dirty.

- [Tom] Remember guys,
I once carved my name

in the bleachers and
there was a big shoot out.

- [Mike] Wow.

- [Tom] Whoopee, oh.

- [Crow] I think we're talking
about full expulsion, now.

- Save the rest of your ammo
and let's get out of here.

- [Tom] But we don't have hall passes.

(guns fire)

- [Mike] Grease, the
version they dared not make.

- Where do we go from here?

- [Crow] Softball practice.

- Shelia's, she got us into this mess.

And she can get us out.

- [Crow] Hey, they're cute.

- From now on, we gotta keep on the move.

(Gunshot)

(scream)

- [Mike] She'll do anything
so she doesn't have to drive.

- [Crow] This is actually a commercial

for light days pantie liners.

- [Tom] No.

- [Crow] Yes.

- [Mike] I wanna buy some.

- [Crow] Officers, close your
eyes so you can't identify us.

(guns fire)

- [Crow] Oh forget it, they're
too far, quit shootin'.

(Mike laughs)

(dramatic orchestra music)

- [Tom] We shot that fat, dark, heap.

- [Crow] I thought you were gonna get

the license number.

- [Tom] You said you were gonna get it.

- [Crow] No I didn't, you load.

- [Tom] You said it.

No rush, just kinda mosey
on into the chase, there.

There you go.

(tires squeal)

- [Crow] You said you
knew where the chase was.

- [Tom] No, you said you
knew where the chase was.

- [Crow] I never.

- [Tom] You said it right.

- [Crow] Another right turn, those fiends.

Tell you what, let's not fight.

Let's just shoot any girl we see.

- [Tom] Okay.

- [Mike] You know, the
inability of the cops

to turn right becomes their downfall.

- [Tom] There it is.

- [Crow] The lamp is a statute of

Our lady of do you have
a bathroom around here.

- [Mike] It's Edith Prickley.

(door bell buzzes)

(loud knocking)

- [Crow] Oh, right in
the middle of Photoplay.

(door bell buzzes)

Wow, she's Judy Jetson.

- Who is it?

- [Paula] Paula.

- What do you want?

- [Paula] Stop talking so
much and open the door.

- [Crow] I barely said anything, dooy-eee.

- What's up?

- The cops are after us.

- [Tom] Guess which two of us are dead?

I was just having a blood communion.

- [Mike] Wow.

- [Crow] You think my shirt is too baggy?

- Get out of here.

- You're in this as deep as we are.

- Who do you think you're kidding?

Get out of here.

- We're staying.

- [Mike] Well, Crystal Lite then?

- [Shelia] What kind of
jerks are you anyway,

leading the cops to my door?

- We lost 'em, now come
on, we want that payoff.

- [Shelia] For what?

- We wrecked the school like you wanted.

Job completed, and job
to be paid for, by you.

- [Tom] Well, I need an invoice.

- You're out of your minds.

- Are we?

- Well, how do I know you
wrecked a school, how?

- Take our word for it tonight.

Then read about it in the papers tomorrow.

Oh, it'll be in the papers all right.

Headlines, this time.

Now we want our money.

- We want some clothes, too.

These things are a dead giveaway.

- You'll get nothing from me.

- [Crow] I'll go get it.

- [Mike] Hey, the famous naked man.

What do you know.

- Let's see how long you
stay, after I call the cops.

- Keep away from that phone.

I killed a policeman tonight.

- [Tom] Congratulations.

- A cop?

- Yeah, a cop.

- Well, I may have been bluffing before,

but I'm not bluffing now.

I'm calling the police.

(gun fires)

- [Crow] Ooh, when a woman
that top heavy falls, look out.

- [Tom] Quick, Scotch Guard the couch.

- We gotta move fast.

Get a change of clothes.

See what Shelia's got.

- [Tom] That's not too big in the bust.

- [Crow] Killed by a tether ball.

- She's awfully young.

- [Gray Suit] Do you know her?

- No.

- [Tom] You?

- But, I've seen dozens like her.

- Lieutenant, there's
another one upstairs.

- [Tom] Well, now I've seen
dozens and one, I guess.

After this, let's play some foursquare.

(door slams)

- Mike, we're ready for you, Michael?

- Oh good, ah, there you are.

- The talent will please find his light.

- Right, uh, could we talk about this,

because a one man show about Keanu Reeves,

I don't think this--

- Darling, you are Keanu Reeves.

Pull this off, and I'll let
you star in my next epic.

It's a one man show about
Anthony Michael Hall.

- That should be good.

But, let's talk about
the script for this one.

Doesn't the word
- [Crow} Talent quiet Please.

- Lame come to mind?

- Final tech rehearsal will commence.

Places everyone, wait,
or there you are, Margo.

And begin.

- I swear this is the stupidest
thing I have ever done.

This is my own private Idaho.

Potato.

(Crow laughs loudly)

Oh man, that is so lame.

- [Crow] Lame, it's humor, Mike.

- Oh, come on, it's stupid.

I quit, Idaho potato, I quit Crow, I quit.

- Idaho potato, it is funny.

(laughs) Get, what?

It's a potato.

It's funny.

(upbeat electronic music)

- [Crew] ♫ Do-do-do-do-do
Do-dit-do-do-do ♫

- More cramps?

- Yeah
- [Tom] No thanks.

- Seems to be getting worse.

- Maybe something you ate at the party.

- Or drank.

- [Crow] So, you were in
Austria during the war?

- [Tom] Ja, I was, yes, yes.

Bye Mr. Green.

- [Crow] He's calling the backseat.

- [Mike] You'll never guess
where I'm calling from.

- [Tom] Hey, you seen two
girls in a convertible?

- [Cop] Hey, pull up you two.

- [Crow] Hey, that's too far.

(tires squeal)

- [Tom] Look out, look
out, look out, look out.

(crashes)

(glass shatters)

- [Crow] (laughs) Auntie Em.

- [Tom] Call glass replacement specialists

any time day or night.

(siren)

- [Tom] Shut it off, she's gone.

♫ The Simpsons do-do-do-do ♫

- [Mike] It's a room in heaven.

- [Crow] Mom told me not to, but no.

I had to pick that pimple.

- [Tom] You know, a federal indictment

may prove difficult to overcome
in the student elections.

(sad violin music)

- [Crow] And all this started

because of their electric kitchen?

- [Lieutenant] Kids with guns.

- [Mike] Chuck Heston would love it.

- One of them was killed instantly.

The other one's pretty badly shaken up.

- [Mike] I'll kill her later.

- Has her father been informed?

- Yeah, right after the accident.

Here he comes now.

- [Crow] Come to see
old slice and dice, huh.

- I wouldn't go in there just
now, if I were you, Carl.

- Paula is she--

- She's all right.

Can't say the same for
her girlfriend, though.

That plate glass window made quite a mess.

- [Tom] I've got pictures
if you wanna see 'em.

Uh, your line, Phil.

- Have you reached a verdict, yet?

- [Crow] I'm doing it.

- [Juror] Yes, your honor.

- What is that verdict?

- [Juror] We the jury find
the defendant, guilty.

- [Tom] And the opposing jury?

- Will the defendant please rise.

- [Mike] Look, Emily Bronte.

- [Judge] You have been found guilty

of murder in the first degree as charged.

- [Crow] Neat.

- [Tom] Oh, I already heard
that, but it still upsets me.

- [Mike] She conveys so
much with just a look.

- [Crow] Just that one single look.

- [Mike] Yeah.

- [Tom] In a related story,

Paula Parkins picked a
peck of pickled peppers.

Announcing next Tuesday,
appearance by Go-Go the gorilla.

Jam Productions.

- [Crow] Hey everybody, welcome
to Tuesday's sentencing.

Be sure to tip your
bailiff (cheering noises).

- [Tom] Here come the me.

(bangs gavel)

- Paula Parkins.

- [Tom] Picked a peck of--

- You have had all that
money can give you.

But that wasn't enough.

You became a thrill-seeker
with an over-inflated ego.

This thrill-seeking became the
one great thing in your life.

- [Crow] Besides Sun Chips.

- Piling one thrill on another until,

with every increasing intensity,

you became much like the drug addict,

with his continual--

- [Tom] Drug taking.

- Increases of dosage.

Until--

- [Crow] Uh, something.

- The climax, a murder.

- [Crow] She almost acted.

- [Judge] To kill for the love of killing.

Kill for a thrill.

- [Tom] Kill, kill, kill, kill,

kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill.

- The thrill-seeker comes
from all walks of life.

The rich as well as the poor.

- [Tom] Hey, quit reading,
I'm summating here.

- It comes from the home.

The home where the parents are

too busy in their own affairs

(Crew sighs loudly)

To take time to teach their children.

- [Crow] That's us, honey.

- [Judge] The importance
of self-restraint.

- [Mike] Ooh, I think
he really captured us.

- Self-discipline, politeness, courtesy,

the love for the mother
and father, the church.

- [Tom] Your mustache is falling off, sir.

- Their country.

It all adds up to

- [Mike] Oh, brother.

- One great essential of living.

- [Crow] Ironically, this is
still funnier than Night Court.

(Crew laughs)

- And regard for the property
and feeling of others.

(Crew sighs loudly)

- Through this utter disregard for--

- [Tom] Stay awake, must stay wake.

- [Judge] Finds his eventual
end, a prisoner of the state.

- [Crow] You're mad, aren't you?

- [Judge] Standing in a court room,

convicted of murder, in the first degree.

- [Crow] Look, I gotta get
going on my life sentence

Speed it up here.

- Because of your youth, Paula Parkins,

it's impossible for me to give you

the sentence you so rightfully deserve.

- [Crow] So you get the spanking machine.

- So you are hereby manded
to the proper institution.

- [Tom] Me.

- Until you become 21 years of age.

- [Tom] Then we party, whoo.

- At which time you will be transferred

to the state penitentiary for women.

- [Crow] And get a shave
while you're at it.

- Where you will spend the
rest of your natural life.

- [Tom] How's that sound?

(dramatic orchestra music)

Oh, sure screwed up on that daughter, huh.

- [Crow] Wow, I feel kinda
bad, I have to admit.

You know it's actually
a very nice, sunny cell.

- [Mike] From one prison to another.

- [Crow] It's too late to
spend time with her, isn't it?

- I don't think I could drink another cup.

- It passes the time.

- [Tom] Do you think I
look like Lincoln, honey.

- It's all my fault.

If only I hadn't thought
more of my outside interests

than I did of Paula.

- [Tom] It's okay if I think
it's your fault, too, isn't it?

- What a strong, hard
lesson we've been taught.

- [Crow] Live and learn.

- It's no more your fault than it is mine.

We're certainly a fine pair of parents.

- We still have each other.

That's some comfort.

- [Mike] That supposed to be funny?

- It all seems like such a bad dream.

- [Mike] Oh, like when you're
naked at a hockey game.

- Ever since I can remember,
we've given Paula everything.

Everything but real love.

- [Crow] And peanut butter.

- A new dress, instead of a caress.

A new car--

- [Tom] Instead of a cigar.

- Heart talk.

A new watch.

- [Tom] Instead of a squash.

- It does no good to look back.

It can only be more of a hurt.

We must now look forward.

- [Crow] Let's get a goldfish.

- Reliving the past is only a pattern

of judgement for the future.

Paula's lesson to us was strong.

- [Tom] Instead of a thong.

- But, her child will
profit by our mistakes.

- [Tom] By the way, you seen her lately?

I haven't had a chance to get up there,

with all the work I got and everything.

(sad orchestra music)

- [Mike] We can only
stay for a minute, right?

And what's our excuse?

(upbeat electronic music)

- [Crow] Oh hi, Peggy, P-P-P_Paula.

That's it, Paula.

- How do you feel, darling.

- [Tom] Good, real good.

- I don't want my baby
in a place like this.

I don't.

I don't feel so well.

Everything keeps going around, and--

- We'll see Judge Clara.

We'll take care of everything.

- [Crow] C'mon let's go,
let's just go, c'mon.

- If only we knew who--

- Everything will be all right.

- [Tom] My rape victim refuses
to come to Lamaze classes.

Well, how's our little gun toting trollop?

- [Mike] Shh.

- That's all now, it's
time you were leaving.

- [Crow] I'm afraid she's passed away.

- Rest easy now.

It'll be all right.

- We'll see you when it's all over.

- [Tom] Sometime after
Memorial Day, maybe.

- [Crow] Look, I'll, uh, send
my secretary to see the baby.

She's got a room on the 400th floor.

- [Tom] Regrets, I've had a few.

- So what.

- [Mike] Hey, what's her deal?

- [Crow] Leave us out.

Here on surgery boulevard.

- [Tom] I'm teeing off at
three, that's all I'm saying.

Maybe I could fund this
as a charity event.

It's your fault.

- [Crow] Now, I'm going to be a bit ugly,

so you'd better sit down.

- [Mike] Wow.

- [Tom] How many arms did she
have when she came in here?

- The baby, a girl, is well and healthy.

- My daughter, how is she?

- [Tom] I broke her, sorry.

- She, she died.

(mom gasps)

- [Crow] Well, so the life
sentence really wasn't that long.

- [Tom] Not too bad, oh easy to do.

- [Crow] Pretty good.

- [Judge] Some people
think newspapers exaggerate

juvenile crime.

- [Tom] We don't can we go?

- Or that it's confined
mostly to large cities.

- [Mike] Oh, dear god.

- This is far from being the case.

From coast to coast, in small communities,

as well as the larger cities--

- [Crow] Even Circle Pines.

- Juvenile delinquency is on the rise.

- [Tom] I'm playing fast and
loose with my numbers, here.

- No child is inherently bad.

- [Tom] Except Pauly Shore.

- He's made what he is by his upbringing,

and his surroundings.

- [Crow] And his inherently bad parents.

- As a parent, that
something has gone wrong

with the environment of a
great many of these children.

- [Mike] Just leave.

- Or we wouldn't have this
present delinquency problem.

Adults create the world children live in.

- [Mike] End.

- In this process,
parents pay the key role.

When children grow up among adults.

(crew sighs)

Who refuse to recognise anything that is

fine and good, or worthy of respect.

- [Tom] There's a little
joke in Leviticus,

that says--

- Many of these children, fail to develop

high moral standards, or to
distinguish right from wrong.

- [Mike] Why don't you wrap it
up, judge pedantic, come on.

- I can sum it up in two callous words.

- [Crow] Bore-ing.

- So what.

Juvenile delinquency is always
rooted in adult delinquency.

- [Tom] Why don't you shut up?

Shut up, shut up, shut up,
shut up, shut up, shut up.

(Tom breaks down wailing)

- Through higher moral values

can we hope to solve the problem.

- [Mike] Ah, look, we're double parked.

- The easiest way to bring this about

is through a return to religion.

- [Tom] Oh, excuse me,
separation of church and state?

- If all people would join this

back to god movement,
and train their children

to respect the 10 commandments--

- [Tom] Beat the love of Jesus into them.

- Handed down by all the great religions.

- [Crow] Your Catholicism,
your Poligma of Thorton Eight.

- The time has come that, we
must impose sterner penalties.

- [Tom] ♫ Get a picture of
the smiles we left behind ♫

- [Judge] Against the young law breakers.

- [Crow] Hi, I was, again?

- [Judge] His mere youth is no excuse

for letting him remain at large.

(Crew loudly hums "Battle
Hymn of the Republic")

- [Judge] Dangerous law breakers.

- [Crow] But, some crimes are good.

- [Mike] Oh yeah.

- [Judge] A new young offender should be

released in the custody of his parents,

unless an investigation
shows the parents are--

- [Mike] I can't see this
scene too many times.

- [Judge] If they are not,
then supervision should be

turned over to a more responsible agency.

- [Tom] Booze and jammies don't mix.

- [Judge] And in making
parents financially liable

for property damaged
caused by their children,

could be especially
helpful against the wave

of vandalism which has been
sweeping across our country.

- [Crow] Even this adorable vandalism.

- [Judge] For this responsibility,

we're sure that parents
would keep a closer eye

on the kind of fun their
children are having.

- [Tom] Think fast, window.

- [Judge] And if the
old fashioned woodshed

would receive more use,
vandalism would decline.

- [Mike] I have no real proof,

but it's worth a try, what the hell.

- [Judge] Some parents refuse to recognize

the moral obligation--

- [Crow] Count juggula.

- [Mike] (laughs) Wow.

- [Judge] When that is the case,

we must take stronger measures to

make them realize their responsibilities.

- [Crow] Oh, my body.

- So you see, I cannot possibly grant your

request for the adoption of
the child of your daughter.

The child must remain a ward of the state.

- [Tom] A Burt Ward.

- Until such time as a
suitable family can be found.

At that time, the child will be granted

to this worthy family to
be brought up in the world

as it should know the world.

- [Crow] The warm glow of a state home.

- For you Jane Parkins

- [Tom] Take this man to be your--

- And for you, Carl Parkins,

- [Tom] To love, cherish, and obey--

- I can only feel the deepest of sorrow.

- [Crow] I sentence you to
my Toastmasters meeting.

(dramatic sad orchestra music)

- [Tom] Hey, hey, hey,
where are you two going?

Will all the jerkwads please
report to the bathroom.

Thank you, tonight on
the Hollywood Squares.

(baby cries)

Wah, wha, wha, I'm an infant.

I'm an infant.

Give me everything.

(baby cries)

- [Mike] Boy fun, huh?

- [Crow] This was the
feel good move of 1956.

- [Tom] Audiences left with
a song in their hearts,

and a smile on their faces.

(loud orchestra music)

(door slams)

(whirring noise)

- Dum-dum-da-dum-do, whoa.

- Oh, what are they doin'?

- I think they're recreating

the gas station hold up from the movie.

- Oh.

- Let's watch.

(whirring noise)

- Wow.

- Huh.

(soft dinging sound)

- Huh.

(Gypsy yawns loudly)

- do-do-doh-time.

Tom Servo.

Uh, Tom?

- Huh?

- Was it exciting in the movie?

- Nope.

- Well, was it funny?

- Nope.

- Oh, well, uh, maybe we'd
better read a letter, huh?

- Oh a letter, sure, hey hey.

(Gypsy laughs)

There happens to be one right here.

- Look at this.

It's an invitation from a high school

graduation commencement to us.

- Cambot, put that on
still store, will ya?

Thanks.

- What's it say, there?

- [Gypsy And Tom] Once a
driller, always a driller.

- Is that dirty?

- Uh, it depends on what books you read.

Well, it's from Eliza F. Reed
of Bakersfield, California.

- The senior class of
Bakersfield High School

announces its commencement exercises

on Thursday, the 9th of June
1994, at 7:30 in the evening

at Griffith Field.

Oh, that's a nice field.

- Lovely place, but I tell ya,

your grandchildren will be graduating,

before we could make it.

- Yup.

(laughs)

- Oh, something's going on.

(thump)

- Ahh

- Ooh.

- It's beautiful, it's beautiful.

- Down to you Mad Men.

- Fantastic.

- You see, it's a radio
station called Frank.

Rarely is a radio station
named after a person,

and when it's given a
solid name like Frank,

well, it becomes campy
and endearing (laughs).

- Wynonna.

Vince Gill.

Ferlin Husky.

Roger Miller?

- Oh fine, don't turn
your cranks to Frank,

you stupid fatheads.

- Tex Ritter.

Pat Buttram.

Slim Whitman?

Hank Snow

Marty Robbins

Nancy Walker

Sonny Burgess

Dag Hammarskjöld

Donna Fargo

Crispin Glover

C. W. McCall

Zamfir

Barbra Mandrell

Maury Povich

Coco Chanel

Ernest Tubb

Larry Storch

Jerry Lee Lewis

Edward Everett Horton

Gentleman Jim Reeves

Boss Jim Geddes

Mrs. Miller

Karen Valentine

Stonewall Jackson

Charlie Pride

- So what.