Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 7, Episode 12 - The Starfighters - full transcript
The movie features jets, people flying them, people refueling them, people talking about them, and not much else. During the movie, Crow uses his present day state of the art computer technology to try accessing the Information Super Highway with only minimal success (if you can count being able to play Four Person Boogers successful). He uses his time on hold with tech support running through refueling drills with Tom and then at the half way point, they both decide to de"brief" Mike, which leaves him feeling free down in his nether regions. Later, the United Servo Academy Men's Chorus led by Vice Brigadere Sir Thomas "Bullhead" Servo presents their hymn about the concept of flight. Meanwhile, Mike introduces his new line of bold - and extra bold - Cowboy Mike's Red Hot Ricochet Barbecue Sauce against the Mads' cranial ports, which allows them to read each other's minds. It gets tricky when it comes to physically moving one other though.
♫ In the not too distant future
♫ Way down in Deep 13
♫ Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank
♫ Were hatching an Evil Scheme
♫ They hired a temp by the name of Mike
♫ Just a regular Joe they didn't like
♫ Their experiment needed a good test case
♫ So they conked him on the noggin
♫ And they shot him into space ♫
- [Mike] Get me down!
♫ We'll send him cheesy movies
♫ The worst we can find la-la-la
♫ He'll have to sit and watch them all
♫ And we'll monitor his mind la-la-la
♫ Now keep in mind Mike can't control
♫ When the movies begin or end la-la-la
♫ He'll try to keep his sanity
♫ With the help of his robot friends
♫ Robot roll call ♫
♫ Cambot ♫
- Show yourself.
♫ Gypsy ♫
- I'm not ready.
♫ Servo Servo ♫
- Hello there.
♫ Croooow ♫
- That's one o.
♫ If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes ♫
♫ And other science facts la-la-la
♫ Just repeat to
yourself, it's just a show
♫ I should really just relax
♫ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♫
(guitar strum)
(slamming)
- Could be Grey Goose, so,
you know, I wanna be careful.
Hi everyone, welcome to
the Satellite of Love.
So you're just in time
to see old Crow here
log on to the information superhighway.
Now, why don't you tell us
about your system there, Crow?
- Oh you know, it's just a
basic multimedia package,
nothing special, about
90 megahertz Pentium
with 32 megs of ram,
and a quadruple speed NEC CD-ROM.
Sound Blaster 16, multi CD
sound card through that,
and a Courier V 34 28k
baud modem, you know.
- You think that'll make you happy, huh?
- Yes!
- Whoa.
(laughs)
- Accessing my SLIP server.
Entering my IP address, okay.
and enter, hoo-hoo, ha, heh.
- Huh, server timed out,
try again, what's that?
- Oh, I can read, thank you.
Must have typed the wrong
parameters here. (muttering)
- But soon you will be
merging onto the information.
- That's right, Mike, I'll be
pulling out into the
information superhighway,
and the traffic will, eh, oh.
- Huh.
- [Mike] Huh.
Wow, it looks like it locked up, huh?
- Yeah, looking for u-r-d-f-x-1-0-5-0,
what does that mean?
- I don't know!
I must have configured
my COM port incorrectly.
- Of course.
- Well, you know, I'll just assign my
modem to a different COM port
and get back into my SLIP server,
and, heh, there we.
- Whoa!
(whistles)
- Locked up tight, hmm.
- Looking for u-r-d-f-x-1-0-5--
- I can read, don't you think I can read?
- Gee, sorry.
- All right, okay, I'll try this.
Let me on
the information superhighway,
you stupid little. (muttering)
- Yep, still
looking-for-u-r-d-f-x-1-0-5-0 again.
- Oh,
let me on the information superhighway!
- Buddy.
- I want onto the information
superhighway! (muttering)
- We'll be right back, careful with that.
There's no return, we'll have to.
- Put the mouse under his tongue!
- Ah!
(throwing tantrum)
Calm down, calm down!
(upbeat music)
(hold music)
- 24 hour technical service!
Take ya 24 hours just to
pick up the stupid phone!
Geez.
All right, let's try a
couple of things here.
(hold music)
(humming)
(hold music)
(mumbling)
(hold music)
Come on, come on.
Pick up.
One, two, three, pick up.
Pick up, I know you're there, haha.
Put down the donut, put down the coffee,
and pickup the phone!
Pick it up and help me,
help me please, come on.
Come on, come on!
Oh! (sarcastic laughter)
I'm going to be a very old. (laughing)
- [Voiceover] Hello, and
thank you for calling
technical support.
- Oh hi!
Uh, nice to talk with a real person,
now listen, I got a problem
with getting on the--
- [Voiceover] Your call
is important to us,
and it will be answered in
the order it was received.
- Doh, no, no, no.
No, no, no, please, God, don't hang up,
please, please, please, please, please,
please, please, I want on
the information superhighway.
(sobs) You don't underst. (sobs)
- Yo ho, boobies!
Looky what we got.
We got cranial ports.
You know, the future belongs to those.
- Now, hold on there partner
'cause we got sauce, bar-be-cue sauce.
- Yes, siree, it's cowboy Mike's own
original red hot rico-chet (gunshot)!
Barbecue sauce.
- Yee-hoo.
- Ha-ha.
- Barbecue sauce?
But look what we've got?
- But Clay,
you think it might be, bold?
- Bold?
Well, hell yes, it's bold!
It's cowboy Mike's own original red hot
ri-co-chet (gunshot) barbecue sauce!
- Woo-hoo!
- It's might bold.
How bold is it?
It's bold enough to bull-dog your teeth
buzzin' hog tie your tongue! (laughs)
- That's how bold this
stuff is, you little prissy,
and I mean it's bold!
- [Altogether] Bold!
- Come on, steak, you want some?
- What do you think,
Clay, can we try some?
- Oh I don't know.
- They say it's bold.
- Mm.
- I'll tell you what, you
hairdressin' little cowpokes!
You check the email-a-port
and you'll find yourself a free sample
of cowboy Mike's own original red hot
ri-co-chet (gunshots)
barbecue sauce!
- [Servo] Yee-hoo!
- [Crow] It's bold!
- Hmm,
it looks somewhat bold.
Speaking of which, saucy ones, (laughs)
your movie today is called Star Fighters,
a bold Air Force epic.
- (panting) How about it, Clay?
Is it bold?
- It's actually, it's not that bold.
- It's not?
- No.
- It's not bold?
- Decidedly unbold.
Hey what's the deal with
this stuff not bein' bold?
- Now available in new extra bold!
- Well, this is really bold!
So bold it's not recommended
for human consumption.
- There is no known antidote
for it, new extra bold.
- [Altogether] Cowboy Mike's own
original red hot ri-co-chet!
(all excited chattering at once)
(loud buzzing)
(slamming sliding beeping)
(cowboy cheering and laughter)
- Oh, yeah.
- [Servo] Whoa.
Leaving on a jet plane,
uh, don't know when I'll
be back again, over.
- Uh, coming out of Los Angeles.
Uh, we have a couple of keys.
- [Servo] And don't come back.
- Oh, there's already too
much flying in this movie.
- [Servo] Boy.
- [Crow] Boy, O'Hare is busy.
- [Servo] Look they're takin' off
to become the Little Dipper!
- Well.
- [Servo] Cassiopeia.
- I think the East German long
jumper's are cheating again.
- [Servo] Let's connect the dots.
- The Sean Penn story! (laughs)
- [Servo] Jet.
- [Servo And Crow] (sing) Bluuuuuu.
- [Mike] Hate that song.
- Robert Dornan, the congressman?
- [Servo] What, couldn't
they get Rush Limbaugh?
(Air Force band music)
(humming)
- [Mike] See, see how we can
keep 'em in the air, flying?
- [Servo] Oh, lovely, lovely.
- Beautiful.
- [Mike] Dare I say fantastic?
- Today, on the American Sportsmen,
Clint Eastwood really goes after the elk
in the McKenzie Rings!
- [Servo] Oh this is the
weirdest My Little Margie
episode I have ever seen.
- [Mike] And featuring Billie De Wolfe.
- [Servo] (singing) Oh it's so grand, oh.
- (singing) Been through the dessert
on a car with no name. (humming)
(mimicking car sound)
- [Mike] Bob Dornan, wild at heart.
(clarinet swing music)
- [Servo] Oh I hate it
when the little planes
bother the big planes like that,
or a big dumb plane.
- Can't tell ya how happy that makes me.
- [Mike] Yeah, I see the
Charleston was really big
back in the '60s.
(mimicking car sound)
- [Servo] (Bullwinkle
voice) 23 skidoo, ho-ho!
- [Mike] Sergio Mendes in airplane 66.
- I'm full, I'm full, thank you.
- [Servo] Mmm, yeah, I'm comin'
over to this other plane.
They got chocolate gas.
(laughs) Num-num-num-num-num.
(humming)
- [Mike] Haunting.
(humming)
- Come on, who's next?
I can handle ya.
- This plane is insatiable.
- [Servo] It's the Babe Ruth of airplanes.
- I.
(humming)
- [Servo] Just lie back and
think of England's airspace.
(singing) Oh, sweet mystery of life,
at last I've found you.
- (laughs) Nice basket!
Uh, you want stamps with that?
- [Mike] No, just the gas
and the menthols, thanks.
(singing) Fueling and
fueling with me, so fast too.
- Sounds like The Mike Curb Congregation.
(humming)
Look!
- [Mike] I'm sorry, that's
never happened to me.
- [Servo] We can just snuggle
for a while, that's okay.
- My, you're lookin' chipper.
Someone get refueled
this weekend? (laughs)
- [Servo] Woo-hoo.
- [Voiceover] That was a nice,
clean job, Cordite three,
All right, Cordite four, you hook up now,
and take on 4,000 pounds, all set.
- [Mike] Gas was so cheap, 4,000 pounds
was like a dollar back then.
- [Servo] Be simpler just to pull up
to a pump in the ground, but.
- [Voiceover] Cordite four, Cordite lead.
I said, are you ready?
- I'm drying my hair.
- [Voiceover] This is Cordite four.
Affirmative, all ready, sir.
- [Mike] Mrs. Robinson, are
you trying to seduce me?
(Air Force band music)
- [Servo] Ewing, from downtown.
- [Mike] I have the feeling
you're not ready for this.
Your first time?
- No, it's not.
I've refueled a lot of times.
- [Servo] Geez, we
should have Donna Summer
singing for this scene.
(singing) IIII love to fuel you, ba-by.
IIII love to fuel you, ba-by, I.
- [Crow] (laughs) Ooh.
- [Voiceover] Cordite four,
from lead, what's the matter?
This isn't your first
time up here, let's go.
- Shut up, I'm doing it, okay!
- Oh, I think he has whiskey jet. (laughs)
- [Mike] Oops, Cordite
two, not your fault,
could happen to anyone, over.
- [Voiceover] Cordite four, settle down.
Just hook up and maintain
your proper position.
- [Servo] Oh that's so
constructive, that helps a lot.
- So this is like a coming of age story.
- [Voiceover] All right, now,
Cordite four, hold it there.
- [Mike] All the other
planes are giggling at him.
(mock giggling)
- [Servo] Shut up.
What's that, baby?
Oh, Cordite, four, that's French.
Tu et eh refuel baby.
(singing) It's glorious!
- [Voiceover] See, nice
and easy, no sweat.
- Oh yes, it's more wonderful than I ever
could have imagined.
- [Servo] And as the seasons changed,
the refueling continues.
- [Voiceover] Cordite
four, this is Cordite lead.
How goes it, are your tanks full yet?
- [Servo] Oh yes, oh man.
- [Voiceover] Cordite lead,
Cordite four, I'm topped off.
- [Voiceover] All right,
Cordite four, disconnect.
- It was really awkward 'cause
he yelled out Cordite four,
but he was with Cordite five!
- [Servo] (mock radio static)
Oh, no, no, stay, please.
I'll cook breakfast, over.
- [Mike] Cordite four,
promise you'll call?
(triumphant instrumental music)
- I believe in refueling, I do.
- Yes, welcome to minute six
of the glorious refueling sequence.
- [Mike] And they can
fly over mountains too!
- [Servo] Yeah.
- Uh, Cordite four, why
did we pick Cordite?
- [Voiceover] Uh, George
Tower, Cordite main
30 miles out, request
landing information, over.
- [Servo] Just write, landing
information Pueblo, Colorado.
- Roger, Cordite lead, George Tower
landing runway one six,
altimeter two niner niner two,
winds variable five knots,
report on initial, over.
- [Mike] Wyatt Tindall, out.
- The refueling jet likes me!
He thinks I'm cute!
- [Servo] Me too, woo.
(singing) In December
it's time to remember
the time in September.
- [Mike] Welcome to Air-otica.
Put your lips, your legs,
your hips, in a locked position.
- Prince, sure you buy a jet,
but then you have to
put in a long driveway.
- [Servo] Gee, too bad
this is all the jet footage
we're gonna see.
- [Mike] I'd rather listen
to Bob Dorn in speak.
(laughter)
- You're gonna get it.
- Colonel Hunt sent word
wants to see you, sir.
- Now?
- Well, he said as soon as you got down.
- Okay.
- [Servo] It's about your
face, it's too lumpy.
- [Mike] I'll take your
elephant mask, sir.
- Thank me for flying Me Airline.
Please check around my own seating area
for any garments I may have stowed there.
- [Servo] Now, here comes our own Terry
with a lovely flight
suit by Christian Dior.
- Ah.
- [Mike] Hi, (laughs) hey, how are ya?
Hey come on over here, I
wanna talk to ya, come here.
(laughs) That's right, come here.
- Here comes a narwal!
- [Servo] Isn't it nice
when you can de-plane
while listening to the
world's most beautiful music.
- You, uh, done with the, uh, ladder?
I could use it, uh, I got
your helmet, hero, anyway.
- What's the matter, Bradley,
you trying to give me a bad time up there?
- I'd like to explain about
that, Major Stevens, sir.
- Explain nothing!
Took you two minutes to hook up,
and that's two minutes too long.
- [Mike] Should've been none minutes.
- What's going to happen to you
when we get up there at night
and go through the same kind of mission?
- [Servo] Then I'll
take two minutes again!
- You better get out
your needle and thread
and start practicing in your spare time.
- [Mike] Okay, that's
constructive at the, hey!
- If you're at the base
exchange, just got in
some of those newfangled sewing kits.
- [Mike] Chin.
- Want us to chip in and get you one?
- Hey Frank.
- Yeah, Bob.
- [Mike] If I could clean that out.
- To base headquarters immediately.
- Not an actor.
- He wants to be escorted for
showing our whole operation.
- [Mike] Beautiful.
- But I've got another flight scheduled
in half an hour, and I need the time.
- Yeah, but I heard you're
the linguist in this outfit.
- Oh yeah, last time week
it was the West Germans,
and a month ago, the Japanese.
Now, with all these NATO
countries buying up these 104s,
well, they, they all want to
see how the experts do it.
(upbeat music)
- [Voiceover] Major Stevens here, sir.
(gasps)
- Have him come in.
- [Servo] Guess he broke the face barrier.
- Ah! (snickers)
- Good morning, Colonel Hunt.
- Oh, it's you.
I never get used to you.
- Have a seat, I'll be right with you.
- [Mike] Is your face odd, misshapen?
Join the Air Force.
- Bob, you're going to lose
three of your officers.
- [Servo] I'm going to kill them.
- Sending Holzhauer, Riggs, and Bradley,
over to the 580th, how are they doing?
- Well, no sweat on Holzhauer and Riggs,
but Bradley's still having a
little trouble with the refueling.
- Oh, it'll shape him up in a hurry.
The 580th is deploying the
Spain at the end of the month.
These three will fill their quota.
- Are you listening?
- You don't look so happy, my friend
'cause you're getting three troops of
team Lockheed's 104 only in pictures,
but they'll be willing and able.
Transfer says their coming in today.
- [Mike] Send 'em some
baskets or something.
- I'm used to it.
- Not quite.
- [Servo] Ah, humor in uniform.
- Coming in are First
Lieutenants William York,
Eugene Lyons, and John W. Witkowski.
- Bunny?
- Junior.
- Junior!
- Uh-huh, son of Congressman
John W. Witkowski.
- [Servo] Senior.
- Also, the Colonel Witkowski
who flew the B-24s over Ploesti,
Schweinfurt, Regensburg.
- [Servo] Snickerdoodle.
- And about every other
place those Mack trucks
dropped 1,000 pounders on.
- Wasn't he the one
that retired in 20 years
and right after that, got himself
elected to the House of Representatives?
- [Hunt] That's right.
- [Mike] Oh mama.
- And the same Witkowski
who's been appealing
to virtually every
appropriations committee
concerned with expenditures,
making sure that the Air Force
doesn't lose out on any
of its planned projects.
- So that's good.
- Yeah, it's good.
- [Servo] Yet I feel hollow.
- But his old man wants his
son into the heavy stuff.
He wants him to fly the B-52s or 58s.
Doesn't think he should
be wasting his time
in these pittling fighters.
- [Mike] Uh, speaking of
pittling, sir, if I could, yeah.
- He's funding for hounding
the young lieutenant
wherever he's stationed.
- Mean he wants him out?
- He wants him out of the
tactical air command and into SAC.
- In the sack?
- He wants the boy to
push the big stuff around
like daddy used to do 20 years ago.
- Heck he should know
those 104s aren't toys
at a million-and-a-half dollars a piece.
Well, they can do a lot more damage
than those 24s that Witkowski
so kindly remembers.
- I don't know, uh, maybe
he's thinking about the times
he had to get those deep targets
without any fighter support or.
- [Servo] Mandrake.
- The fighters about something.
- Well, maybe he should be briefed again
on how our TAC fighters
did it alone at Lebanon,
Taiwan, and more recently, Berlin.
- Well, at least the young
lieutenant knows what he wants.
- [Mike] Lebany?
- [Servo] (laugh whispers) I don't know.
- He doesn't let anybody
know he's a son of a VIP
or ask for any preferential treatment,
so you treat him like one of the boys.
- [Mike] Okay, everyone set
with the premise of the move?
- Yeah, it, uh.
- [Mike] Some sort of plane
theme, something like that.
- Oh, oh look.
- Pets welcome, free cable TV.
(1950s swing jazz)
- [Servo] (sings) Puttin' on the ritz.
- [Mike] The Air Force
is in the Dog 'n Suds.
- It's cocktail hour here
at the Air Force. (chuckles)
- [Servo] Oh, George?
We were supposed to go
to Larry Air Force base.
Yeah, take that paper.
That's right, make it swing, junior,
you know, junior tried to be a singer,
but he couldn't cut it.
Sit down junior.
- Hoo-hoo!
(1950s swing music)
- [Servo] What, I had
no idea the Air Force
was an Orrin Thompson development.
(jets streaming)
- [Mike] Oh the problem is,
there's a lot of jet noise.
- That's a heavily guarded suburb.
- [Mike] Ooh, a Malibu Barbie car.
(laughs)
- Kidnapped by Carol Channing.
- [Servo] Uh, yes, the
Air Force is that way.
There, just keep going
over there, you'll see it.
- [Mike] Boy, everything was just
sunny and perfect back then.
- [Servo] Mm-hmm.
- All right, Dave, why don't you
get out of the wig and into your uniform?
- [Servo] Honey, just wait in the car
'till my tour of duty is done.
- Ooh.
I love his sweaty butt.
- [Servo] Ugh.
Our job, spray talc on that man's butt.
- Gentlemen, the plane you're
going to be working with
for the next few months.
- [Mike] What?
- A fighter pilots dream.
Every since the days of
Richthofen and Rickenbacker,
pilots who fly to fight
have always yearned
for the advantages of altitude and speed.
- You woke me.
- [Hunt] You will experience
a concept of lightness
never before felt.
- [Mike] You must die.
- [Hunt] What's truly
an ultrasonic fighter.
Now this is the Starfighter.
- [Mike] Get him.
- [Hunt] Lockheed's F-104
air superiority fighter.
- Excuse me. (mimicking guns)
- [Hunt] It's a part of the team of the
Tactical Air Commands
Composite Air Strike Force.
- [Mike] From Mattel.
- [Hunt] It's even been called a
missile with a man in it.
- Ooh.
- Now, I know you intrepid pilots
are anxious to get the feel of the bird
or else you wouldn't be here.
- [Servo] Touch my bird, go ahead.
- Now, I'm assigning the
three of you to Major Stevens,
578 TAC squadron.
- Spiegel, Chicago, Illinois 60609.
- 38s in World War Two
and the 86s in Korea.
- [Servo] And the V8s
in the one after 909.
- You could bet your sweet life
he's sold on the Starfighter.
- [Mike] There, I'll
take you there quickly.
- We spent billions, so the
Air Force could mess around.
- [Mike] Huh?
- Some bird, huh?
- [Servo] Where, oh.
- Look out for the
leading edge of that wing,
Lieutenant Lyons, it's sharp.
- Don't run with that wing.
- No, I mean it.
Go ahead and try and
slice something on it.
- [Mike] See, we can
make a really sharp wing.
- [Stevens] Knife, that wing is so thin,
you wonder how it can get up enough lift
to keep this bird flying.
By the way, where did you men come from?
- [Mike] Russia.
- How about you, Lieutenant Witkowski.
- Well, sir, Lieutenant York
and I were at Nellis together.
We picked up a couple hundred
hours flying the 100s there.
- Well, the 100 is a good airplane.
It's still the backbone of
the Tactical Air Command.
- [Servo] I'm not dissing the 100.
- How about you, Lieutenant Lyons?
- I flew the 86s over at Luke,
and before that, I was T-Bird instructor.
- Good, any of you married?
- Please, no, no, please.
- My wife's with me here.
- And two bachelors, I suppose.
- [Servo] I wasn't finished about my wife.
- Well, a couple of
good-looking troops like you
shouldn't have trouble
finding dates in a hurry.
- You just furnish us with
a couple of leads, major.
- Right now I'm here to furnish you
with information about this airplane.
- [Mike] But you brought it up.
- You've already read the flight manual,
so come around the other
side, and take a look at this.
- [Servo] Hold hands,
find a partner, come on.
- Yeah, there's plenty
of girls around here.
- [Mike] Wow, that's great
'cause I'm really look.
- Shut up! (stammers)
- [Servo] That's it,
everybody stroke the needle.
There you go.
- [Mike] This plane was
recently sexed, it's a boy.
- [Stevens] Bet you never saw this version
of the rotating gun and a gun before.
- [Mike] Wow.
- [Voiceover] Especially pushing
out 20 millimeter shells,
6000 of them a minute.
- (whispers) Oh baby, oh.
- [Voiceover] 100 rounds
per second, gentlemen.
- Wow.
- [Servo] You're not here
to admire this plane.
- [Stevens] This is the probe that's used
for air refueling.
- Go ahead, lick it.
- [Stevens] Taste of that
a few weeks from now.
- When do we get our first
check out ride, Major?
- Want to get settled in the
Married Officers Quarters
with your wife, Lieutenant Lyons?
- Yes sir, I certainly do.
- All right, Lieutenant Witkowski,
I'll schedule you to go up
with me in the two place job.
We'll also get an instructor
for Lieutenant York.
Go on back to the squadron
room, you'll be briefed.
(gulp)
- [Mike] Yippee, I'm a
pilot, I know how to fly now.
- Lieutenant Lyons, you
get yourself settled,
check in at the officers Club.
You'll fly first thing in the morning.
- Gee, I sure appreciate that, Major.
You know, it's a little tough on the wife,
I mean, checking on a new base
and all that, thank you, sir.
- [Servo] Yeah, the wife is gonna be
awful glad to see the me.
- We're going to have the sex.
- [Stevens] Sargent, those two D's
will be taking off at 1430.
Get your men on them right away.
- [Mike] You do it.
- Yes sir!
- [Servo] And sharpen those planes.
- This helmet belonged to a
German we check out on the bird,
and my opponent was an instructor pilot.
Why don't you wear it for this ride
until we can get one of your own?
- There are little bits of skull
and hair in there, just wipe that out.
- [Mike] Hey Siegfried,
you fly this plane,
Nazi bastard.
- All right, you've had TOs,
you've been briefed on local procedures.
After takeoff, we'll head north.
- I've had enough of this face, ugh.
- Under the smoke for a while.
Then we'll climb to 32,000 feet.
- [Mike] And explode.
- Learn a little about this job.
- [Mike] How do you start it?
- Now since both of you have had
sufficient time in the F-100s,
you're gonna find that
this bird is lighter.
- Flakier.
- More sensitive, and
a heck of a lot faster.
We'll hand you the stick
up there after a bit.
- [Mike] And we'll fly the plane.
- Let's crank up now and go
have a little serious fun.
- [Mike] At Lincoln Center.
- [Servo] Sir, it says,
do not step on top rung,
how do I get in?
- Uh, just move that baby seat
and those bottles and
those nursing things.
- [Mike] You know, in a real movie,
they'd have red buttons doing the ladders.
Uh, did you sign the release, sir?
The Air Force bears no responsibility
for the safety of its pilots.
(hums descending instrumental tune)
- Promise you'll write, sir?
(snickers)
- [Mike] Upsie um daisy.
- Really glad we brought this ladder.
It was like it was made for this.
- [Servo] Well, the pilot light works.
(humming)
- [Voiceover] George Tower Cordite one
taxi and takeoff
information to 104 as VFR.
- [Mike] Uh, Regan fire that's gotta go.
- George, taxi runway one six altimeter.
Two niner niner eight,
hold short of the active.
- [Voiceover] Cordite one, roger.
- Cordite niner kiner biner
minor, niner Warsaw steiner.
- [Servo] I can heimer.
- [Crow] John Byner.
(slams)
- [Voiceover] Thank you for holding.
Your call is important to us.
Calls are being answered
in the order in which they were received.
(hold music)
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, well,
I got better things to do
with my time, Mr. Tech Support, ha.
- [Servo] Craw, Cordite
Crow, Cordite Crow,
ready for refueling, over.
(hold music)
Craw Cordite Crow, quick fooling around
and get yourself in position.
This isn't the first
time you've been up here.
- Roger.
(hold music)
- [Servo] Woah. (clears throat)
Craw, we are on and locked,
prepared to take on 5,000 pounds, over.
- [Crow] Roger.
- [Voiceover] Hi, this is Brian,
can I have your name and
serial number please?
(flustered mumbling)
- [Servo] Crow, your
guy's on the line there.
(flustered mumbling)
- [Voiceover] Name and serial
number please, hello, hello?
- [Servo] Huh.
(line disconnects)
- Ah, uh, oh.
Uh, Brian, oh, hey, you can help me.
I'm having trouble getting on
the information superhighway,
and you can get, this.
(dial tone)
Noooooooooooo!
- [Servo] (humming) Bum, bum, bum, bum.
Do, ba, ba, ba,
ba, ba.
(upbeat music)
(sobbing)
(humming)
- Stop that, that doesn't
make me feel better.
(sniffling)
- [Mike] Hi Tony, hey, where
you goin', where you goin'?
Can I come along, am I bugging
ya, I bug some people, huh.
I'm gonna fly everywhere you go, okay?
- [Servo] Yes, the world's
most beautiful music pipes
directly into your cockpits.
- [Voiceover] George
Tower, Cordite lead to 104
straight ahead approach.
(humming)
- Cordite lead, George
Tower, runway one six.
- Whoa, he's suddenly become mellifluous.
- [Servo] Uh, wheels.
What doesn't this movie have?
- [Mike] Uh, you'll turn
right at the Dairy Queen
when you get here.
- I think maybe one plane
landing at a time, please.
(upbeat instrumental jazz)
- [Servo] That's sexy land. (growls)
- [Mike] Hey move over a
little, scooch, scooch over.
- [Servo] The exotic Zeppelins
of Led down the Mississippi.
The year is 1952, a very
young Stan Getz at the mic.
The Jackie Gleason show!
- [Mike] We bring you into the hangar
in a relaxed kind of way.
- [Servo] Tell the tower
the music's a little loud.
- The military has so much money,
they actually have Nelson
Riddle in the tower.
- [Servo] (singing) Please
be careful of the intake.
- [Mike] I've had to go potty since Toma.
- Could be better, failed to yield.
- [Mike] F minus.
- [Servo] Oh no.
- Hey, James Carville.
(powering down)
- I see you've been upping the newcomers.
What do they think of the Starfighters?
- Well, I don't know about York,
but Witkowski seems to
have been born in one.
- [Mike] Ooh.
- Oh yeah, with the way
his old man feels about it?
Why what happened?
- Well, after a half an
hour of some familiarization
flying, I gave him the feel of it.
He made me ashamed of the thousand hours
I've logged in this bird.
- What's the beef, Bob?
- Well, nothing Colonel, but frankly,
I never saw a neophyte handle an airplane
the way Witkowski did.
- [Mike] What's a neophyte, Bob?
- Sure, he was a little
sloppy on the controls
at the start, but after he got
used to the characteristics,
he threw the book at it, doing
his best to annihilate space.
- You mean he was showing off?
- Not at all.
No, Witkowski's the start of
a darn good fighter pilot.
- [Servo] Why don't you marry him?
- He was obviously trained right.
But more than that, there's something
bringing this drive out in him.
- Of course.
- The congressman?
- Oh maybe, but do you know flying a plane
is like making love?
- [Mike] Uh, you have to pay?
- Once you've had a little experience,
every operator thinks he's an expert.
- [Servo] (singing) The
marriage to build a sky.
- [Mike] Tell me more about love.
- [Servo] Where is the stupid ladder guy?
- Hey, there's airplanes around here.
- [Mike] Up, up, and away.
- Well, hello there.
- Well, hello there, yourself.
- She's bing-a-ling.
- Picture of contentment
while we hesitated
about interrupting.
- Not at all.
Say fellas, this is my wife, Betty.
Betty, this is John
Witkowski and Bill York.
- [Servo] We call 'em
Pinkidink and Porkboy.
- Come on, have a seat, you
guys aren't going anywhere.
- Sure will.
- [Mike] You don't mind if
we continue to make love.
- Some friends at the club.
- Gene told me he was starting off
with a couple bachelors.
- Oh, footloose and fancy-free,
and we're on the prowl.
(growls)
- Well, we can't really say.
We really haven't started to look.
What are you doing tonight?
- Ha, hey, you really are on the prowl.
- You stay out of this.
- Yes, stay out of this.
- [Servo] Honey.
- Now, which one of you two nice young men
is looking for a date?
- Me.
- Right here.
- Well, not to change the subject,
but just how did it go
out there today, huh?
- Gene, you'll never believe it.
I don't know how to explain
it, you'll never believe it.
That bird really wants to go.
- [Mike] I don't believe it.
- It was even more than
Colonel Hunt said it was.
You know, I actually thought that it was
gonna get away from under
us while we were taking off.
- [Mike] Yeah, great.
Can we order?
- I've never experienced
anything like it before.
Never before.
Remember when we were making the change?
- [Mike] Oh boy.
- Yeah.
- Believe me, this change
is even more terrific.
- Uh, you mean, you're
really sold on it, huh?
- Oh!
- [Mike] No.
- I signed the contract today.
- [Servo] He's a regular Sam Levenson.
- Did you hear what he says?
I mean, about the wonderful
flight you had today?
- Everything he says and
an awful lot more too.
(munching sounds)
Gene leaves off on his
first ride in the morning.
- Yeah, and I can hardly wait.
Say, say look, why don't you guys join us
for dinner tonight, come on.
- Aw, negative, but thanks.
I had a snack a little while earlier.
Right now, all I want to do is
make friends with the bartender.
- [Servo] (laughs) Drink
'till I wet myself.
- Gene, I think I'll pass on that too.
You get me a day, and I'll
take you up on that dinner offering, okay?
- We'll see you, nice meeting you, Betty.
- [Mike] It was a great, great scene.
- You know, John, I never really realized
what a tiger you are.
- Sh, not here.
- Why I'm just as
sociable as the next guy.
- Oh, I mean about on that flight today.
Boy, you were really rocking it around.
- What do you mean?
Stevens gave me the controls
and told me not to break
the airplane, that's all.
- Yeah, I know.
- [Servo] Don't pout.
- You've been holding
out on me, old buddy.
- Oh, it's not the first time
either of us have been in a jet.
- First time on one of
these babies for me.
- [Mike] Oh, that Vodka, mm.
- Oh they're all pretty much alike.
This was just a little easier, that's all.
- Easier?
Ha!
Well, this just wants to get
away from me, that's all.
- [Servo] Just drink.
- Come on, let's get off
the flying kick, huh.
We're gonna be on it every
day for the next six months.
- Day and night.
Hey, I live for this stuff, don't you?
- Sure, Bill, flying's
my first love right now.
- [Mike] After drinking.
- Suppose I weren't a throttle jock,
maybe I'd be on a navy
underwater demolition team
or some other wild outfit, and
that would be my first love.
- [Mike] Not decoupage?
- You mean to say you didn't
want in this mans Air Force?
- When I was in college.
- [Mike] Drink.
My dad wanted me to get in the ROTC.
- [Servo] Oh boy.
- [Mike] Liquor.
- My school just happened to
have an Air Force ROTC unit.
- [Crow] Booze.
- Then when I graduated,
he wanted me to get
in the actual flying end of it,
so I'm here, and that's great.
- [Servo] Gin.
- But I wasn't one of
these kids that used to
hang around airports
just to be near pilots
and planes and hangar talk.
- [Mike] Okay, okay.
- Really love it.
I wouldn't trade it for anything, but.
(burp)
I don't see why we have to
breathe it day and night.
- Geez, I started a friendly conversation,
and he takes the floor.
- Okay, sport, here's to
some really good flying.
- I'll drink to that.
- 17-and-a-half scotches later.
- [Mike] (muffled) to realize
I had a aptitude for flying.
'Course I'm as social as the next guy,
have I told you that, over?
- [Servo] Playing tennis,
flying all with your new hair.
- Cordite four, join the
formation, we like you.
- [Mike] The dentist will see you shortly.
- Uh, anyone seen Francis Gary?
Where'd he get off to, that nut?
- [Mike] You know, we can
make fun of these guys,
but Saddam Hussein ain't laughin' huh.
(laughter)
- [Servo] Mike, shall we?
- [Mike] Oh, I'd love to, thank you.
- (humming) The afternoon.
- [Mike] You're as light as air.
- [Servo] Oh, that's lovely,
where did you learn that step?
- [Mike] Thank you.
- [Servo] Oh, I am tired, thank you.
- Here, the Air Force escorts
in anew new to a golf game.
- [Mike] Yes, we've
traded quality education
of a million kids for these planes.
- [Mike] Ah, lovely, lovely.
- [Crow] Very nice.
- [Servo] Ooh, colonel, do laugh.
- Well, gentlemen, now that
you've soloed in Starfighter,
you're entitled to this patch.
- [Mike] Oh great, a patch.
- I'm sure you'll discover
that the next training phase
is more exciting and much more demanding.
Eventually, we'll be depending on you to
perform a variety of fine jobs.
For instance, that pilot right there,
he's going up for another high altitude
side winder firing test.
- Nope, just going to clean
out my plane. (chuckles)
- Colonel Hunt, sir, they've
been looking for you.
Telephone call from Washington.
- And I've been looking for you O'Brien.
- [Mike] What's happening?
- General has just been informed
that five technicians
from the Belgian Air Force
will be on the base sometime this evening,
and you are to escort to escort them
during their stay here.
- What, I'm setup for
night flying this week.
(gulp)
- I know, they'll just have to wait
until after they've seen
how we operate here.
- Well, I'll be going up.
- Ah-ah-ah, temper, temper.
- Aw nuts.
(upbeat music)
- Colonel Hunt speaking.
- Good morning, Colonel Hunt.
You're a hard man to find.
- [Mike] Sarah?
- Who's this?
- Well, it's a little difficult to
introduce oneself over the phone.
- I sell Panola.
- I'm John Witkowski, the
father of one of the pilots
who transferred to your
command a couple of weeks ago.
- Oh.
Yes, our Lieutenant Witkowski.
- [Servo] His face springs into action.
- I do know you be reputation,
of course, congressman.
Pleasure to speak with you in person,
but I believe you boy is up on
a training mission right now
or I'd have him talk to.
- No, I merely wanted to
introduce myself to you.
- [Mike] Perhaps dinner or.
- We have a bit in common, you see.
- [Mike] My brother, George.
- You and I were flying
in the ETO together,
20 years ago.
- Quite a lot of us
were in the ETO together
at that time sir.
- Maybe so.
- [Servo] They were in BTO?
- [Mike] (laughs) I don't know.
- Now tell me, Colonel
Hunt, how's the lad doing?
- Well, he came in here with
a couple other officers.
- [Mike] Leathery.
- He's going through
routine 104 operational
procedures right now.
- Getting along all right then, is he?
- I only met him once, congressman,
but he seems like a personal boy to me.
- [Mike] What do you want?
- He's had no trouble with his fellow men
or the aircraft he's flying.
- Uh, I happen to be looking at the
TAC tally of accidents, Colonel Hunt.
- [Servo] (whispers) Oh man.
- I was frankly shocked at what I saw.
- What do you mean, sir?
- [Mike] Shocked.
- Well, to my knowledge, it was
considerably more than those sustained
by the heavy bombers in SAC.
- Congressman.
- [Servo] 'Kay how much do you want?
- Did you ever consider
how many individual flights
the Tactical Air Command puts in the air
as compared to Strategic Air Command?
- I am comparing it with
an accident free record,
which is what it should be.
- Exactly right.
- His forehead has been clear-cut.
- In this day of engineering,
the equipment is virtually perfect.
- Here we go.
- But we still have the
human factor to contend with.
That's why your boy is here.
- [Servo] He's human.
- He'll be supervising
and handling these planes,
so that they conform in the manner
that the Air Force specifies.
- [Mike] I had that coming.
- How is John doing in
his flying, Colonel Hunt?
- He's just started,
and he has months of intensive training
on all combat procedures ahead of him.
- [Mike] That was a great scene.
- Kaboing!
(rolling tongue)
- [Servo] It's the new Air
Force goofy bomb from Wham-O.
- [Mike] Yeah, go ahead and laugh.
They got a kitty in that bomb.
- [Servo] Oh.
(meowing)
It landed on pig pen!
- [Servo] Yeah, dig me, pretty much.
(humming)
(explosion)
- Oh, Mrs. Lockhorn cooked dinner again.
- [Servo] (laughs) Good
to see, I'm out on a bomb
in run with my baby.
Yeah, come on, bounce one for me,
bounce one, yeah.
- [Mike] Here we go.
- [Servo] Sit down, junior.
We're gonna bomb 'em back to the jazz age.
(scatting)
- [Mike] Lieutenant Hebe, it says.
- [Servo] (laughs) Lift here.
- Yes, that desert environment
is enhanced by bombing.
Left alone, it is too placid.
- [Servo] (singing) Kaboom, kaboom.
- [All] (singing) Yah-dah-dah
dah-dah-dah dah-dah-dah.
- [Servo] Just sit right back
and enjoy the Vietnam War
weeknights after Laughlin.
- [Mike] Yeah, if this was a war,
we'd be winning it, easy.
(upbeat big band music)
- [Servo] Okay, we're gonna
shake things up a bit.
Pick it up, now, come
on, and move with us.
- [Mike] (singing) Bombing, yeah!
- Whoo!
- [Mike] Okay, ladies choice now.
- Drop your payloads to the
sounds of farokian taisure.
- [Servo] Welcome to
the rainbow gathering.
Peace is possible in our lifetime, ooh.
(big band swing music)
(humming)
- [Mike] God I love my
job, who needs high school?
- It's a volatile mixture of
popmunitions and cool jazz.
(humming)
- [Servo] And Bob came
back the very next day.
- [Mike] Well boys, in all fairness,
I should tell you, occasionally,
the North Vietnamese will fight back.
- Ah, Christo's latest installa, ah good.
- [Servo] Well, if we're ever attacked
by a white rectangle,
we got it under control.
See?
- [Mike] Oh, my thermos of napalm.
Oh, I'll get it later.
- [Servo] Here, on apocalypse lights.
- [Mike] Hey, guys, let's not
blow everything up the first day, okay?
We got the whole weekend.
I think the U.S. should
get out of this movie.
- [Servo] Hope burial ground?
Oh well.
- I hope they blow up Blossom.
- [Servo] heheh.
Archery is safe and if. (shouts)
(mimics explosion)
- You all want to climb in this car?
- 'scuse me?
- Hold it.
I'm the only one that's going to.
- Sorry I'm late, honey, but
I made a date for one of you.
Who wants it?
- What do you mean made a date, for when?
- For tomorrow night.
- I can tell you right
now that it's gotta be me
without any argument from him.
He goes on a 24 hour duty as
assistant air drone officer,
and he knows it.
- My name has been on the
list for three weeks now,
and there's nothing I
can really do about it,
and besides, you never
really should send a boy
to do a man's job.
(mock laughter)
- Level with me, Betty, what's she like?
- Do you realize that I've been
stationed here over a month now,
and this is the first
night that I found out
this lovely creature exists?
- Oh Mary didn't exist
much before this past week.
She just moved to the west
coast with her family.
I met them all out in the upper valley.
- So I must have looked lonesome.
- [Servo] Shut up, Iris.
- Well, we're gonna take
care of that from here on in.
Is this your first time on an Air Base?
- Mm-hmm.
- Never been around a
bunch of pilots before?
- [Mike] Well this tail hook and all.
- So, how about that?
Someone who will listen for a chance.
- Well, I wish I cold have
listened a while back.
Then perhaps I wouldn't
be where I am today.
(goofy mock laughter)
- Hey Mary, where are you from anyway?
- Iowa.
- [Servoe] Oh, so you're stupid.
- Iowa, Iowa, say, I've heard
of that place before, Gene.
Don't we have a cross country schedule
to take us across there?
- Yeah, but we can bypass it if you like.
- No kidding, Iowa.
. Yes, and I bet you're going to ask me
if my family raised corn back there.
- [Mike] Yeah.
- Well, now that you mention it,
I was going to do that very thing.
- Well, go ahead and ask me.
- Okay, I'm asking you.
- Actually, we did and we didn't.
- [Mike] Huh?
- Thanks a lot, you guys,
you brought me a puzzle.
- No. (laughs)
- Okay, I'll bite.
- Dad had an experimental farm back there.
- And I suppose you were the one
that held the tape measure every morning
just to see how much the
stalks grew overnight.
- Not quite, but for the last two years,
I was what they call a corn detasseler.
- [Servo] Wow.
- What?
- A corn detasseler.
- What in blazes is that?
- Well, that's a person who removes
pollen bearing tassels
from five rows of corn.
- [Servo] Check please.
- And tassels the next
five rows, and so forth.
- Go on, I'm flabbergasted.
- [Mike] Me too.
- Two rows you skip are the male rows,
and when the tassels dry out,
the pollen drips over to the female.
- [Mike] O-kay. (clears throat)
- That's how we develop
a hybrid seed corn.
- Can you beat that?
- [Servo] Yes.
- I always knew that sex was corny,
but did you ever think
that corn could be so sexy?
(mock laughter)
- Well, now.
- [Servo] Have you accepted Jesus?
- I've been at George for
the past three years now,
and every time I see a pretty new face,
I have to find out who it belongs to.
- So, what's your name, solder. (laughs)
- Oh hi, Betty.
- Hi Fred.
- This is Mary Davidson.
Mary, this is Fred O'Brien.
He's one of the flight
commanders in our squadron.
- Another pilot, won't you join us?
- Oh by all means, if
only for a little while.
- Oh, thanks very much,
I don't mind if I do.
- [Servo] Where's that stupid
Iowa chick, she get here?
- Well, where were we?
- You were about to ask
where Mary came from.
- [Mike] I came from planet Claire.
- Now tell me, where
did you come from, Mary?
- Iowa, if you must know.
- [Mike] Iowa!
- What'd you do back there?
- She was a corn detasseler.
- A what?
- A corn detasseler.
- [Mike] Yes, corn detasseler.
- Well, that's a person who--
- Hold it, hold it,
once a night is enough.
- Oh no, I'd like to hear more about this.
After all, I'm just an
old farm boy myself.
- Oh you're kidding.
- No, really, you know, my dad still runs
a small dairy farm right
outside of Milwaukee.
- [Mike] Name's Geen.
- So I got out in time.
- [Servo] Frankenhooker.
- [Mike] Wow.
- Oh.
Well, dad always said
there were three ways
a man could bring about
his physical destruction.
They were by drinking.
- [Servo] Detasseling.
- By women,
by farm.
- [Crow] Got caught in the power takeoff.
- My poor father chose the
least exciting of the three.
(upbeat music)
- Bear hore hobery hor,
bear hore hobery hor,
detail, hault.
Right face!
Hurried face!
Nelson!
Front man center on the double!
- [Mike] Yo.
- At ease.
- Thank you.
- Major Nelson, we are now
halfway through the movie.
- Murder!
- And during this time,
you have been repeatedly exposed
to copious amounts of top secret
classified information!
- Rubber!
- And, so,
at this point in time,
we feel it is now necessary
to debrief you!
- That's perfect.
- Get him!
(various shouting)
- Woo-hoo!
- Yes. Mission accomplished.
- Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
- Woah!
- How'd you get those
off past my jumpsuit?
- Well we have our little ways.
(buzzing)
(various shouting)
- [Mike] Well, we got movie
time, give me those back!
- Surfing time!
I'll go this way with the pants!
(slamming beeping)
- Excuse me, Captain O'Brien.
(laughing)
- [Mike] You know I think
I have to thank you.
This feels pretty good.
- Oh, well you're welcome.
- Well, will you save my place, everybody?
I'll be right back.
- Okay, Frank.
- [Mike] Thanks for brightening our day.
- Captain O'Brien.
- [Servo] Hmm, what the?
- [Mike] Is that the one guy?
- [Servo] Which guy is this guy?
- [Mike] That one other guy.
- Which guy?
- [Mike] I don't know, but he was the one.
- Yeah, what's up?
- Look, out of base ops,
there are four Italian officers.
- [Mike] You want one?
- And they're on one of
these government sponsored
spectrum tours.
Well, they bipassed Williams and MacDill
and they stopped here instead.
- [Mike] Oh.
- I understand you're the best
one to see in such a case.
- [Mike] Make a face.
- What, me on a Saturday night?
Look, I've got friends
waiting for me inside.
- [Servo] From Europe.
- Besides, Italian's one
language I don't comprehend.
- Brad, look, all of these guys
speak good English, you know that.
They just need somebody
to clear them through
and to get them billeted.
- [Mike] Oh dear.
- I'm going to be tied
up in the message center,
so I can't do it.
- Bill, you shouldn't do this to me.
- Well, look, I'm really sorry,
but with your experience,
I understand you're really the one to
call in such cases.
- Okay, okay, I'll be right
down and check 'em in.
- [Servo] This movie's becoming
abstract all of a sudden.
- I already have your
wheels for you, Fred,
they're right out front.
- Yeah, thanks Bill.
- Hey!
- [Mike] I want to kick
this movie in the groin
at snag on it, and give it a power sit-up.
- [Servo] So, are these the communists?
- [Mike] She'd make a
nice dependable wife.
- You don't have to go in yet, do you?
Your house is all dark,
and your folks go to bed early?
- Either that or they
aren't in yet themselves.
- [Mike] Or I murdered them.
- Did you have fun tonight?
- [Servo] Did you Wing Chun tonight?
- Me too.
First time I've been out on
a date since I met Nellis.
- Nellis, who's Nellis, is she cute?
- [Junior] Oh you nut,
Nellis is the name of our
Air Force base outside of Las Vegas.
- Oh.
(mock laughter)
- [Junior] We call her a lot
of things but never cute.
- I bet there are plenty of girls there.
- Where, at the base?
- Can you get me some?
- No, Vegas, silly.
- Oh, well, of course,
Vegas is a swingin' town.
- This place must seem awfully
quiet to you after that thing.
- No, I kind of like it here.
- [Servo] Now why don't you kiss her
instead of talking her to death.
- But it was really too expensive
for me, I don't miss it.
- Oh, I bet you do too.
I heard about Las Vegas
and all those showgirls.
- Now, what would a fighter
pilot know about showgirls?
- I can't imagine.
- It's a calamity.
- How do you spend your time around here?
- Well, I don't spend
it, they've got it all
planned out for me.
- You're a pilot, don't you fly a lot?
- Oh sure, as much as I
can get it on the schedule.
It's not as much as I'd like.
- When will you be going up next?
- First part of next week, I guess, why?
- [Servo] Quick, the reels
are changing, kiss her.
- Would you do me a favor?
- Oh sure.
- Could you fly real low
over our house and make
your engine roar real loud?
- Oh Mary, you've been seeing
too many of those World War Two flicks
on The Late Late Show.
Those days of buzzing are gone forever.
- [Mike] Okay, screw buzzing.
- But I thought pilots
always wanted to do that.
- Well, sure we do, but
look, if I were to come over this house
in full bore, I'd break all those windows,
I'd knock all your dishes off the shelves.
All of these lovely neighbors around here.
- Yeah, well, I was just, um,
I was just, it was kind
of a joke. (laughter)
Just didn't really think
you were gonna do it.
I was really making
conversation, uh, shut up please.
- Hey, I've got a pet peeve
about talking about flying.
- [Servo] Me too.
- And especially when I
really don't even feel like.
- [Servo] Crunch.
(laughter)
- You're right, Johnny,
we shouldn't be talking.
- [Servo] Crunch, crunch,
crackle, crunch, crunch.
- After church, the
folks want to spend the
rest of the day on Lake Arrowhead.
- [Mike] Then there's my virgin classes.
- I just want to say that I
really enjoyed myself tonight.
- [Servo] Well then come on!
- You don't have to walk me to my door.
- [Mike] I have a gun on you.
- [Betty] I hope you'll
ask me out next time.
- [Servo] Oh no.
- He orders in.
- [Servo] I need air support.
Give me air support, I'm going up.
- Good night.
- [Mike] You'll never touch me.
She's got an orthopedic body.
- [Servo] Man, what a great split level.
- [Mike] Oh boy.
- [Servo] Ah!
- Ah.
- We've got an important one today,
so shape up and listen good.
You're going to firing the side
winder missile from the 104.
As you know, the side winder
is attracted to its target
by the infrared heat
given off by that target.
It's meant to fly right up the tail.
- [Servo] Mm, oh smooth.
Yes, up yours.
- [Stevens] But if there
aren't any Migs around
- You're to have a rocket
with flares attached.
- [Servo] Yeah, so firm.
- These flares will be
the heat attraction.
You'll dispatch that rocket first.
- It hurts. (groans)
- You'll let go of the side winder.
- [Servo] Vogue.
- Then watch what happens.
- I think it will go something like this.
- [Servo] Mm, he's aiming
this one at his date's house.
- Sir, nothing happened,
am I gonna get marked down?
(humming)
- [Mike] Oh, perfect.
- [Servo] Long, high one.
- [Mike] Whoa, what are
the odds of that happening?
- [Stevens] Take a good look at it fellas
while it's brand spanking new.
This target is called a dart.
- [Servo] Mm-hmm.
- [Stevens] Another one over 104.
In an hour, it had better by lying on the
floor of Death Valley, so full of holes,
it wouldn't even have salvage
value for matchsticks.
- Take a good steamy look at it, come on!
- Good afternoon, Colonel Hunt.
- Go right ahead, major.
- Yes, sir.
Now I'll be on the tow plane,
so if any of you have any.
- [Mike] Musn't cry.
- Feelings about the way I've treated you
the past few weeks, here's your chance.
- You take it easy on that
squadron commander, I need him.
- Well, you've all had your basic gunnery,
so now you're going to surprise
doing it with a Gatling
gun in a Starfighter.
With its six rotating barrels
pushing out 20 millimeter shells.
- [Mike] Oh, oh my.
- 100 per second,
you're not going to hear
anything but a loud buzz.
- [Mike] Does it say Maj Stevens there?
- Yes, it's his wife.
- After the first few trial bursts,
I want nothing but his
from then on, understand?
- What would it do for your morale
if I told you of all the times
I've been up in these bird,
I never have hit one of those things yet.
- Sir, nothing, sir!
- Colonel, I know all
about your reputation
for not being able to see the target,
and maybe if we painted a swastika on it
you'd tear it loose from
the plane in one burst.
- [Servo] Wow.
- Colonel Hunt here had many kills
and as many probables over France.
It's a standing joke around here
that he's not exactly proficient with
anything that does not shoot back.
- [Servo] So he's dumb.
- [Mike] Doesn't translate well, but.
- From the Victorville
Chamber of Commerce meeting
where I gave 'em my anti communist speech.
- [Mike] Again?
- I want you fellas to get
up there and do right by me
and knock the devil out of that thing.
- [Mike] Well, he's crusty
but extremely unlikable.
- Mostly crusty.
Hey, they strapped the
general onto that one.
- [Servo] Ooh, at least excuse yourself.
- [Mike] Uh-oh, that
wasn't supposed to happen.
(suspenseful instrumental music)
- [Servo] Uh-huh.
- [Mike] Right.
- Wow, they've taken
Jarts to the next level.
(laughing)
- [Mike] Aw, the plane is pregnant.
(baby talk)
- [Servo] Geez, up or
down, you kids, up or down!
- [Mike] Ah yes.
- Ah, the association are back.
Is, are.
Was.
- [Servo] Whatever.
- [Mike] Steve, your head looks
like an egg from back here.
- [Servo] I suppose their last project
before The Ray Conniff Singers broke up.
This is high enough for me,
thank you very much.
- [Mike] (humming) It's catchy.
- [Servo] Oh, Pueblo tapestry,
let's blow the hell out of it!
- This is still better than Iron Eagle.
- [Servo] Cha-cha-cha. (mimics static)
- [Voiceover] Cordite lead, Cordite two.
- [Mike] Cordite two, you're on the air.
What do you think of the
Clinton Administration?
- [Voiceover] Go ahead, two.
- [Voiceover] Lead,
I've got troubles here.
My number two hydraulic
system is dropping rapidly.
- [Servo] Hmm.
- [Voiceover] All right,
let's clear the range,
and I'll get on your wing.
Pick up a heading for the base.
- [Voiceover] Yes, sir.
- [Servo] Well, you can tell
it's a dangerous situation
by the music, tell 'em.
- Yes.
- [Voiceover] Cordite two, any change yet?
- [Voiceover] Negative, gauge
says there's nothing left.
- [Voiceover] Okay, lower your airspeed
to 120 knots and drop your gear.
- Ah, it's a spare.
Good only for 10 miles
at 50 miles per hour.
- [Voiceover] Your gear looks
okay, are you indicating more?
- [Voiceover] No sir, I've
got an unsafe gear indication,
and my number two hydraulic
system reads absolute zero.
- [Mike] What is right with you?
- [Voiceover] Just run your
manual emergency gear release.
- [Servo] Oh, and my tape
deck won't work either.
- [Voiceover] Cordite lead,
still reading unsafe here.
- [Servo] Hmm.
- [Voiceover] Hold, Cordite.
Calling and requesting emergency
for straight in approach.
- Uh, go ahead and kiss your ass goodbye.
- [Voiceover] George tower, Cordite lead.
- [Mike] I'm incapable of love, over.
- Cordite lead, George tower over.
- [Voiceover] George, Cordite lead.
Request emergency landing for 104.
- [Mike] That's trash, oh.
- [Voiceover] Approximately
30 miles north.
Request straight in approach.
My wingman has a
hydraulic utility failure.
Landing gear down but indicating unsafe.
I'm declaring emergency.
- [Servo] And he's crying too.
- Roger, Cordite lead, we'll
clear the pattern for you
to land on runway one
six straight in approach.
- [Voiceover] Cordite check.
- Emergency, emergency.
F-104 hydraulic failure.
Landing from straight in
approach runway one six.
- Oh cheeks, we gotta save baby pants.
(suspenseful music)
- [Servo] It sounds like
a Russian national anthem.
- [Mike] Yeah, they would.
- The turtle called Gabra
is approaching the base.
- [Servo] Whoa.
- [Mike] The hippies got those
when they were done with them.
(laughs)
- A giant hippity hop
is called into action.
- Attention all aircraft,
vicinity George Air Force Base.
We have an emergency landing.
Be clear of George traffic pattern.
I repeat, we have an emergency.
Maintain radio silence.
- [Servo] All this because
a girl wouldn't kiss him.
- [Voiceover] Cordite two, any change yet?
- [Voiceover] Negative,
lead, same indications here.
- [Voiceover] Junior, prepare
that sweat that bird down.
- [Voiceover] I think
I can handle it, major.
I just hope this gear doesn't
fold up when I touch down.
- [Servo] Mm-hmm.
- [Mike] (singing) We
got a great big convoy,
truckin' through the night.
- Oops, uh, sorry, it's just
my seatbelt's in the door.
- [Servo] Doh.
- [Voiceover] John, from here,
all three wheels are down
and appear to be locked tight.
- [Voiceover] Rog.
- [Mike] Hi Dwayne, what's happening?
- [Voiceover] Stay with you, I want you to
make a normal approach in landing.
Emergency equipment is standing by.
- [Servo] (mimics static) Captain,
we're out of Colombia coffee.
(suspenseful music)
- I know I'm supposed to
feel something, but I don't.
- [Servo] Mm-mm, I'm with you.
- [Voiceover] George tower, Cordite lead.
We're five miles out on final.
- Cordite lead, George tower, roger.
Traffic is clear for you to land.
- [Servo] I'm going on break.
- [Mike] (singing) dum-dee-dum-dum.
- This guy gets wigged out
if his floor mats are uneven.
(suspenseful music)
- [Servo] Did they ever consider
that this wasn't riveting?
- [Mike] Boy, the potential
for something to happen
is very high right now.
- You know, it's a, this is
about a lot more than flying.
- [Mike] Yeah, yeah,
it's about landing too.
- [Servo] Oh no not runway
two, we just seal coated it.
(suspenseful music)
- Whoo, I bet he feels a
little silly right now.
- [Mike] Well, that's the moron's problem,
he's got parachutes jammed in his plane.
- [Servo] Oh no wonder.
- Here come the three stooges.
(hums tune)
- [Voiceover] See, John, no sweat.
Let the fire department
put the gear pins in,
and they'll throw the bird back.
- [Mike] Read some of the gauges wrong.
It's different than the other plane.
- This movie just faced us.
- [Servo] Ah, one of the
great anticlimaxes, huh?
(triumphant music)
- [Mike] Uh, one more push.
We can see the head
now, you're doing fine.
- [Servo] John Glenn sings
the great love songs.
- Attention all aircraft,
vicinity George Air Force Base.
Emergency has terminated.
George open for normal traffic.
- [Mike] That was a great scene.
- Hey Stinky, you leave
now, you're out of the band!
- [Mike] That guys got a poster
of Mark Spitz in his locker.
- Who doesn't?
- You were the one they're making
all of that fuss about out there.
Hey, uh, you trying to
grab a satellite, boy?
- Mm-mm, it was a little
harry, but no sweat.
- Well, with all those wagons out there,
somebody must have
worked up a little sweat.
- Well, sorry I disappointed them.
- [Servo] Virginia Slim?
- Somebody's been trying to
get a hold of you all day.
Long distance.
You're supposed to call, um, operator 12,
Washington, D.C.
- Right, thanks Gene.
- Hey, hey, do you have
any influence back there?
(mock laughter)
- Oh, nothing's wrong, Johnny.
We hadn't heard from you for a while,
and we were wondering if
everything's all right out there.
- [Servo] Yeah, is it?
- Oh Dad, everything's okay.
- [Mike] I just hate you.
- Hey, it's great to
hear from ya, how are ya?
- Feelin' tops, Johnny.
- [Mike] I miss Scott Thorson.
- But I was concerned about
not hearing from you for so long.
- Oh I'm sorry, Dad, we've
been so busy here lately,
I guess I've been kind of lax
in writing to you and Mom.
- [Servo] Well, bye.
- How is she?
- Fine as usual, but you know
how she worries about you.
- [Mike] This guy's Uncle Bead. (laughter)
- In all the time that
I was flying years ago,
I couldn't convince her how safe it was.
- And now you're worried
about me, huh Dad?
- [Servo] Okay bye.
- Tell me, how's it going,
Johnny, any troubles?
- Oh, nothing at all to speak of.
We're going through the
typical transition training
that everybody does in these 104s.
- Yes, I imagine you are.
- [Mike] Yes, I imagine so.
- Trouble is, is that, I've
been reading a number of reports
lately that come across my desk
telling me of all sorts of accidents.
- Accidents, what kind?
- Put dad on the line.
- Usual kind.
Engine flame out, things like that.
- [Servo] Drift of the page.
- In the fighters, the
pilot always bails out.
Not like in those big jobs where you
keep flying if you loose one engine.
- Oh, look Dad, I know
what you're driving at,
and the whole thing is silly.
There's been nothing
like that happening here,
and if it did, I'm sure I
could hack any emergency
where we go through these
recommended steps all the time.
- I still wish you'd apply for a transfer,
into a bigger outfit, you know.
- [Mike] Your father
and I are worried, son.
- Those B-58s will be coming
into their own shortly.
- But Dad, it just isn't done that way.
You don't go hopping
around from place to place
because you want to try
out different methods.
- [Mike] Dad.
- Well, you should know how they operate.
- I'm in a position to make
it real easy for you to get
into an operational B-52
wing right away, Johnny.
- I'm sorry, that doesn't
interest me in the least.
- For heaven's sake, boy, I'm interested.
- Come on, Dad.
Look, I'm here to stay, and no one
is going to change my mind.
- [Servo] I got life in me, big daddy.
- Why John, I'm sorry I intruded.
- [Mike] This guy's Maude Frickert.
- Merely thinking of your
future as any fathers
who's interested in his son's vocation.
- Dad, I sure appreciate your calling,
but I just got down from a flight,
and I've got to report
to a debriefing session.
You understand.
- My arms are killing me.
- Right, Dad.
Okay, sure.
And thanks a lot.
- [Servo] For emasculating me.
- So long.
- Yes, so long, John.
- [Mike] I want his family dead.
Oh, that's mean.
- My dad died in the war, who was that?
- [Mike] Just hold me.
- Hey, but you put the bee in my bonnet.
Listen, if I get a hold of Mary, would you
join us at the club tonight?
- Sure, but why didn't you tell me
I was going to be sitting here like a
big bump on a log?
- You're not, Bill, I'm
glad you could be with us.
- [Mike] Just get the
dagger out of my head.
- Betty and Gene will be here in a minute,
and then we'll have a ball.
- Oh boy, then I'll be like a fifth wheel,
but I'll drink to that.
- Okay.
Innkeeper, same all around.
- [Mike] Innkeeper, up yours.
- Fine.
- Hi.
- Hey, here they are!
- Hey, Betty, hi.
- Hey Bill, you're wanted on
the telephone out in the lobby.
- Well, who found me here?
- I don't know, but somebody's
been looking for you all day.
- Don't touch a thing, I'll be right back.
- Can I touch my glass, I was
already touching my glass.
- [Mike] Oh good, I never
get tired of this stunt.
- This is Lieutenant York.
- Uh, say, Bill, this
is, uh, Fred O'Brien.
They've got a late,
short night cross country
flight in an hour.
You and I are the only
ones who need the time,
so I thought I'd check with you
and see if you could take it.
- Me?
- [Servo] George Goober Lindsey.
- Listen, I'm here with
a little party, Fred.
We're just about ready
to sit down and eat.
- Well, I, I've got a date tonight,
and I'd have soon put
this off 'till next week,
but I'm set to go out.
Look, I'll supply the
next week, no charge.
- Whoa, man.
- I'm glad you called to tell me
that you're volunteering, Fred,
because my time is all spoken for.
- [Mike] Oh my face.
- Hold it, hold it, Bill.
Let's be democratic about
this and flip as usual.
- But I've got people
waiting for me inside.
- Aw, come on now, this is SOP.
- [Servo] Sop, sop?
- Are you going to match me?
- (sighs) Rog, go ahead, I'll match you.
- [Mike] Okay Dwayne.
- This is so great,
pilots have so much fun.
- [Voiceover] All right, there's mine.
- What do you got?
- Now you tell me first.
- Oh no no, I was first
last time, remember?
- I've got tails, what's yours?
- Well, um, mine's heads.
- [Servo] It's always heads,
roll some Grants and kill them
to enjoy the Air Force.
- Better luck next time
- Do I really look like
George Goober Lindsey?
- Hey, what's the matter, Bill?
You look like an astronaut
who wasn't selected to get into orbit.
You teed off about something?
- Hells, I get the
wrong end of everything.
Hey!
- [Mike] Ah yes, that provided much needed
comic relief from all the gripping drama.
- Hey, is that Rod Serling?
- [Mike] Uh, no, no cigarettes.
- No, I couldn't go to a double make out
party with my spouse.
- [Mike] Boy, I bet this takes us to
new heights of sensuality, huh.
- How about a little swap?
I'd like shot at Steve back there.
- [Mike] Whoa, he's got
a scorched face policy.
- [Servo] They are positively mashing.
- I'm getting used to this desert country.
- [Servo] Shut up, Iris.
- I may even get to like it
if you stay here long enough.
- [Servo] Shut up I tell ya.
- If, you're not moving, are ya?
- No, the folks like it too much.
(making squeaky noises)
- It's so peaceful out here.
I don't think I'd ever
hurt with this silence.
Listen, hardly a sound.
- [Mike] Is that you?
- Somebody spoke too soon.
There go a couple of Starfighters
off on a night mission.
- [Mike] My God, she's dead.
- Know we're a good 10
miles from the base.
Boy that sound sure
travels out here at night.
- Wish you'd travel a little
closer to me and snuggle up.
(upbeat music)
- Mm.
- Wasn't he Caucasian earlier? (laughter)
- This reminds me about the time at Luke
when the commanding officer
invited a few of his
favorite pilots to ranch cabin.
- [Mike] Remind me.
- Always a very quite secluded
place, away from everything.
No parties, no nightlife, and no women.
- Did you boys enjoy yourselves?
- Who went?
- Oh you.
- [Servo] Some of the hottest snuggling
you'll ever see on the screen.
- [Mike] You may come in now.
Oh you are so the only girl around.
- [Servo] Hey you got some
creamed corn back here.
- Anybody up for Travel Yahtzee?
- [Servo] He turned into VS Naple.
- I think our chaperons
have fallen asleep.
- [Mike] Don't tongue my hair.
- No, we haven't, but if you
don't get us home real soon,
we'll have to unroll our
sleeping bag right here.
- And you wouldn't want us
to do that, now, would you?
- He meant that dirtifully.
(laughs)
- Okay, grandma and grandpa,
but it beats me why you old married folk
like to hit that sac so early.
- [Mike] Well now he
leave himself wide open
for a sexy rejoinder.
- [Servo] The rink will be
closing in five minutes.
- [Mike] (singing) Santa
clause is coming to town.
- [Servo] That was a great scene.
- This will be a
combination of cross country
and refueling mission.
Now, you've all been on
the KC-135 tankers before,
so you know the procedure.
- Plenty of booze and dexy.
- At least taking on 5,000 pounds,
you'll disconnect, and
feature cross country.
- [Mike] You think they
wouldn't need name tags anymore.
- Start engines at.
- [Servo] Uh.
- 1310.
Take off at 1325.
Plan out on course and tuck
in as soon as possible.
We'll be on target at 1410.
- [Mike] Now for my
weekend barbecue forecast.
- Weather over Death Valley is clear
with some high, thin cirrus.
There's a front moving in out of these
lower desert areas, some
squalls and thunder bumpers.
We should be able to
avoid those on our return.
- They're doing Hangman.
- Last man should get back to base by
1600 at the very latest, any questions?
- [Servo] Where do we buy our books?
- Fine, let's get out there and crank up.
- [Servo] The Air Force recommends crank,
Blue Heavens, Yellow Jackets.
- Ah!
- [Servo] I think we're at the point
where something's got to happen.
- [Mike] They did the
runway in Spanish tile.
- Good grouting.
- [Mike] Leave no grout.
- Yes.
- [Mike] Uh, taxiing over the beginning of
run for your life.
- They're gonna taxi into town
and impress the chicks.
- [Servo] wooh-hoo.
- [Mike] Well, I'm
guessing they're going to
gratefully acknowledge the cooperation
of the United States Air Force
at the end of this movie..
- Launch!
- [Servo] Look out, me first.
- [Mike] No, me first.
(talking at once)
- Hi Jerry's fam.
- [Servo] We had some people think
it's just a civil war, we
shouldn't get involved.
Crazy.
(suspenseful music)
- You asked for more refueling,
and we're getting it to you.
- [Mike] Yes, I'm at a loss now.
We've done promiscuity entends.
- [Servo] Check.
- Uh, cuddling on the afterglow?
- [Servo] Check.
- [Mike] Uh, multiple partner illusion.
- [Servo] Got it.
- Uh, premature ejaculation innuendo?
- [Servo] Yup.
- [Mike] Gas station jokes.
- [Servo] In here.
- Impotence.
- [Servo] Oh yeah.
- [Mike] Uh, one night stand stuff.
- [Servo] All covered.
- [Mike] Okay, let's just watch then.
- [Servo] Oh, refueling is a beautiful
natural thing that's nothing to mock.
- [Mike] Okay, you're right.
- Ha, he accidentally started siphoning
from a northwest flight.
(laughter)
- [Servo] Ah, mother's milk.
- [Mike] Remember the
world before this film,
before refueling?
- There was sunshine and laughter.
- [Servo] Bunnies and kittens.
- [Mike] We seemed to laugh more then.
- [Servo] Yes.
- [Mike] Well, if the civil
war comes down to refueling,
we'll win.
- Thank God we're not
blowin' our money on welfare.
- [Mike] It would have been so much easier
if you would have just brought a jerrycan.
- [Servo] At home, at the
office, or in the plane,
the lite FM.
- And Audrey Meadow!
- [Mike] No, I read the
screenplay, it's two pages.
- [Servo] Makes you
wonder about the scenes
they didn't use.
- The cutting room floor
was remarkably clean.
- [Servo] (singing) You and
I refueled by moonlight.
Fuel like sparkling Champagne.
- [Mike] I don't know
where you end and I begin.
- No man, no.
You can't cut me off, just 4,000
more pounds, and I'll quit.
- [Servo] Ooh, a junkie
joke, it's a musical.
Ooh.
- Thanks a lot, Sarge.
- [Mike] He's not ugly enough
to be in the Air Force.
- Wing ops to wing commander.
- You're supposed to bring home milk.
- Go ahead, ops.
- We have a sever weather warning, sir.
That front turned
northeast, picked up speed
after it left Mexico.
They've reported thunderstorms,
high winds, extreme turbulence,
and maximum cloud tops to 45,000 feet.
- [Mike] There, you old.
- [Voiceover] Are we clear?
- [Mike] I don't know.
- The base is, sir,
but we have that flight of four birds
on a refueling mission.
- [Servo] Birds?
Look at the birdies.
- Front is moving so fast,
that it might cut them off from us
before they have a chance to realize it.
- [Voiceover] Who's out?
- Major Stevens, Lieutenants York,
Lyons, and Witkowski.
- [Mike] Stevens?
- All from the 578th.
- [Voiceover] They know what to do,
and they have sufficient fuel
to find an alternate
in case they get stuck.
Keep me informed as they come in.
- [Servo] This movie has
severe contraindications.
- [Voiceover] George
tower, this is Cordite one.
Request landing information, over.
- Cordite one, George tower,
land runway one six,
winds 170 at 20 knotts
gusting to 30, call on downwind with gear.
- Remember FDIC.
- [Servo] Hey.
- Wing ops to wing commander.
- Go ahead, ops.
- Major Stevens just
called in for a landing.
He's on the pattern now.
- [Voiceover] Stevens already?
He takes on fuel last.
He's supposed to be the last one in.
I'll be right out there.
- [Servo] Oh boy.
- [Mike] I had to go potty, I'm sorry.
- What are you doing in so early
without the rest of your troops?
- Well, it was getting
so sloppy out there,
I cut my cross country short.
- Apparently no one else did.
You're the only one back.
- [Servo] Shut up.
- I wasn't going to set
her down in some alternate
when I knew I could get in here easily.
- Sure, but why didn't your flight do it?
- Colonel, we both know they can put in to
Nellis, Marks, Luke.
- [Servo] Joshua, Judges.
- Half a dozen other places
I gave them during briefing.
That's exactly what
they're supposed to do.
I can find out what's going on
a lot easier from here
in case we get socked in.
- We won't, it'll stay clear here.
- [Mike] Ah.
- Let's talk refueling.
(ringing)
- [Servo] Even their phones are sunburnt.
- [Voiceover] Tower just received a report
from the San Bernardino
County sheriff's office.
- [Servo] Huh, huh?
- [Voiceover] A local rancher observed
a jet fighter go down.
- [Servo] Who is this?
What do you want, leave me alone!
- [Voiceover] Location
was the Granite Mountains.
and east of Apple Valley.
- [Mike] Aw.
- Steve-o to the rescue!
- [Mike] It's Budgie, the helicopter.
- [Servo] And they're off to the rescue
in a highly dangerous prototype.
- How do it work?
- [Servo] They go round and round.
- (goofy laughter) Cool.
- [Mike] Ooh, the suites.
- Uh, we're going to go
higher than this, aren't we?
(mimics propellers)
- Oh, Shirley Muldowney just went by.
- I'm going to get the weather.
- [Mike] Hi, it's me.
- Tower, this is Major Stevens
in the wing commander's office.
What buzzed us just now?
- That was a 104 with
his gear down, major.
We didn't get any call from him,
so I assume he has an electrical failure.
He's turning on his final approach now.
(muffled talk)
- [Servo] Oh, once again the film
takes us in a new direction.
- What's the aircraft's number?
- It's a tough to tick him out, sir.
- [Voiceover] Standby one, sir.
- [Servo] Oh, is that real?
- [Mike] I'm bettin' ya.
- Sir, that was niner two
six that just touched.
- Okay.
- [Mike] Lunch today,
tomato soup, tater tots.
- Squadron ops in wing commander's office.
Who was up in 926?
- Hmm?
Do we have to leave now?
- [Mike] Yeah.
- [Crow] Getting into it.
- [Mike] Miss it.
- Sir?
- Come on!
- 926 was taken up by Lieutenant York.
(slamming and beeping)
- Welcome, my friends.
We are very fortunate
to have with us today
the The United Servo Academy Men's Chorus,
directed by United Servo
Academy Men's choral director,
Vice Brigadiere Sir Thomas Bowlhead Servo,
conducting them in the United
Servo Academy Men's Chorus,
uh, hymn.
- [Servo] All right, eyes front.
Three, and.
♫ Here's to the guys and
♫ Gals who like to fly
♫ Flying so high with some
♫ Guy in the sky
♫ Sky rockets in flight
♫ Afternoon delight happen high
♫ At your service
♫ Would you like to fly
♫ In my beautiful balloon
♫ Take these broken wings
♫ And learn to fly me to the moon
♫ Sail on a silver bird
♫ Have you ever heard
that the bird is the word
♫ In a big country
♫ Dreams stay with you
♫ Come along with me, Lucille,
♫ In my merry Oldsmobile
♫ We are kids for saving earth
♫ We are fans of Colin Firth
♫ Off we go to yonder blue
♫ We really move our tails for you
♫ 'Cross the wide Missouri ♫
- Ah.
Ah, fantastic, absolutely fantastic.
That was the United Servo
Academy Men's Chorus,
and that sonorous tone
that you heard, of course,
has to be due in large part to the
fantastic conducting, what are
you doing? (chorus singing)
What are you doing?
Please, stop that music, please.
Please do not, do not continue this,
Vice Brigadiere Sir Thomas Bowlhead.
I employ you stop the music!
Stop, I say, stop the music!
Uh, Sylvester, can we get
an engineer in here, please,
in studio A, I apologize,
ladies and gentlemen.
I want you out of my studio.
Stop this music right now.
Out, out!
Rows, rows!
- [Servo] (singing)
Rinky dinky parlez-vous.
- Weather says it's
stirring up east of us.
Storm was fast and
vicious but not too thick.
- Those choppers should get in there then.
(propellers)
- It's a smooth, smooth ride
thanks to the counter-rotating props.
(laughter)
Something's following us.
- [Servo] Ee-gah.
- [Crow] Look out for snakes.
- [Servo] Are they on a man hunt
for Juan Del Dez or somethin'?
- It's still following us.
- Now, keep us informed
if they call in at all,
and how about checking with
some of those alternates
to see if they radioed in there.
- [Mike] Okay.
- And tell Lieutenant
York I want to see him
in Colonel Hunt's office immediately.
- [Mike] He has a cab forward skull.
- Still no word from rescue.
(ringing)
Colonel Hunt's office.
- Yes, well, I'd love to
see you again too, well, uh.
- Well, (stammers) yes, just a moment.
- It's Mom, and she's mad.
- Here's one for the books.
Congressman Witkowski is on the line.
- What!
How could he know?
(gulp)
Tell him I'm in a conference
with the general or,
ah, I better take it.
It's a hell of a way to run a railroad.
- [Mike] God, my face is big.
- Colonel Hunt here.
- Hello, Colonel Hunt.
- [Servo] Ah.
- This is John Witkowski.
We haven't talked together
for a few months now,
so I was calling to get
some information from you.
- What's your hat size?
- It's nice to hear from you again, but I.
- Sorry I seem like a pest, Colonel, but.
- [Mike] Yeah.
- You remember how when we were in,
we didn't always write home
as much as we should have.
- [Mike] Look, you ran a bakery.
- My boy, John, is guilty of
doing the same thing, so I thought.
- Congressman, I'm still in there service,
and I agree, I don't write
home too much anymore either.
- Well, I was only wondering
how the boy was doing
there in training and all that.
- Sir, as far as I know,
you're boy is doing
as well as could be expected,
but right now, I must
be brief and hang up.
We're having an important
exercise here at the base,
and I need the lines for
communication purposes.
- [Voiceover] Wing ops.
- [Servo] Groin patrol.
- Go ahead, ops.
- The helicopter pilots find the plane.
It's a 104, sir.
- [Servo] Ah.
- They came across it
in a pretty rugged area.
- Ooh, yeah.
- They found the pilot had ejected.
They're looking for the chute now.
- What was the number of the down plane?
- [Mike] Uh, four.
- [Voiceover] I don't know,
sir, they didn't give it to us.
- Well, contact them,
get the number, quick.
- [Hunt] Sorry to be blunt, congressman,
but I have to cut this conversation short
so to keep all of our lines clear.
I'll see to it that your son calls you.
- [Mike] My, that was blunt.
- (knocking) [Stevens] Come in!
- [Servo] Found him, he was under
a pile of blankets in my room.
- So what happened to you?
- Both of my generators went out, sir,
and I couldn't get them back on the line.
- I mean with that front moving in on you,
what did you do?
- Well, actually it wasn't
too bad where I was, sir.
I flew around easterly end of it,
(poking sound effect)
and came up from behind.
- Do you realize Lyons and Witkowski
haven't checked in yet?
- Yes sir.
- [Mike] And I don't care.
- Although I did hear someone on the radio
say that they were going
to try to land at Nellis
instead of making it back here.
I didn't recognize the
voice or call sign though.
- [Voiceover] Wing ops to wing commander.
- [Hunt] Yeah, ops, any news for us?
- Rescue says that was 929 that crashed.
- [Hunt] Okay.
(ringing)
- [Servo] (laughs)
Rampant phone call action.
- Major, uh, flight
services just now called
to say that one of our
birds landed up in Nellis
a half an hour ago.
Said out by approaching front.
- [Servo] His chin must hurt.
- Yes sir, they got it so bad up there,
right now, he's staying on the ground.
Pilot's John Witkowski.
- Witkowski's safe at Nellis?
O'Brien, look at the scheduling port.
Did Lyons take up 929?
- 929?
- Ooh, Steve got doughnuts.
- Yes sir, that's assigned to Lyons.
- [Servo] She's rather obliging.
- Lieutenant Lyons is out there.
- [Mike] Roar, I'm king of the desert.
(humming)
- [Servo] Listen, he
must be the chosen one.
- It's called a North Star system.
(humming)
- [Mike] Capricorn one.
(humming)
- I'll signal them with my deodorant.
- [Mike] This stuff really
attracts helicopters.
(humming)
- [Servo] Oh.
Ah, hey look, it's a Fridays.
- Are the other armed services
as easy listening as the Air Force?
- [Mike] We have a visual ID on numbnuts.
(upbeat jazz)
- [Servo] Ah, it's a lush cocktail rescue.
(humming)
- [Mike] Ah yes.
Oh, it was pretty rough, man.
I had to eat a lizard and drink my urine.
- [Servo] But you were
only here for 10 minutes.
- [Mike] I know, but.
- Congratulations, you're the
recipient of today's lucky rescue.
- [Mike] I did things I'm not proud of.
- [Servo] (singing)
The day you rescued me.
Now, back to the club
for a smooth Canadian.
- [Mike] Is that how that goes?
- Found one.
(stammering)
- [Servo] Oh, it's that
counter-rotating plane!
I don't want to ride in this!
- At ease, Lieutenant Looser.
(humming)
- [Mike] Later, in large group econ.
- All right, you 104 drivers, settle down,
and listen to something important.
- [Servo] Jerry Van Dyke
has something to say.
- Thank you, major.
Well, that was some to do we
had around here yesterday,
so I'll get right to the point.
- I'm Scatman Crothers.
- Two of you did the right thing,
and one of you goofed up royally.
- [Servo] Jacques.
- So, we lost one badly needed aircraft.
Now, when you're in that high fast seat,
when you get your head up
where it doesn't belong,
you're going to find out
you're going to end up
with a short end of the stick.
- [Mike] Dickweed,
stand up and take a bow.
- Investigation board
will submit its findings
in a day so, so we'll
let it drop until then.
- [Servo] Then we'll kill ya.
- But I have some information
you've been waiting to hear.
- Marilu Henner is replacing Vicky.
- And your entire fire squadron, the 578,
deploy for Europe. (cheering)
- [Mike] Nice.
- [Servo] Class, class!
Shut up!
- Okay, okay, knock it off.
- [Servo] Thank you.
- You don't have to act as though
you didn't know it was coming.
- [Mike] Aw, eat it raw.
- 'Course we have a lot of
polishing up to do for the ORI,
and a lot of good old fashioned
paperwork to complete.
- [Mike] You're not funny.
- Since we'll be flying
our own Starfighters
over the wire,
you're going to have to check
out your rescue equipment.
- Check out this.
- Now, a very important piece
of that rescue equipment
is what we call a.
Sargent, would you step
up here for a moment?
- [Servo] The name's
Randy in the latest gear.
- [Stevens] Sargent here
is dressed in what is known
as a poopie suit.
- [All] Poopie suit?
- [Voiceover] Now, don't ask
me why they call it that,
but you'll be wearing one
of these on your way across.
- [Mike] Ew.
- [Stevens] So next Saturday,
you're going to get a chance
to check them and make
sure there aren't any.
- [Mike] Woo-hoo!
(catcalling)
(humming)
- Okay, you jocks, let's find out
why you didn't join the navy.
Last one in's a Gooney bird.
(mock laughing)
- [Mike] Oh why do they
get the ducky, sir?
(humming)
- [All] (sing) Poopie suit.
(humming)
- [All] (sing) Poopie suit.
(humming)
- All right, men, poop!
- [Servo And Mike] (sing) Poopie suit.
(humming)
- [servo And Mike] (sing) Poopie suit.
(silly noises)
- [Servo And Mike] (sing) Poopie suit.
(silly noises)
- [Servo] (singing) You
poop it in your pants,
and you do a crazy pants,
it's a two piece suit.
- [Mike] (sings) Poopie suit.
(upbeat music)
- Colonel Hunt, telephone, sir.
- You mean they traced me here?
- You can take it on the inside extension.
- Okay, what is it?
- Aw, it's poopie suit day.
- You're a hard man to
locate, Colonel Hunt.
- [Mike] Oh geez.
- This is John Witkowski.
- Oh, right, sir, and how
are you again, congressman?
- I'm fine here.
- [Mike] Over there, not so good.
- Just now received information
through my committee
that you had an unfortunate loss
for another plane out there,
that my son was involved
in the same flight.
- Mr. Witkowski, we did
not loose another plane.
- [Servo] We misplaced it.
- That was the only one this past year.
- [Mike] Oh wait, except for those six.
- The wisest one on the flight
since he chose to land rather
than fight his way through.
- Just the same, Colonel,
when we were flying together,
you know as well as I do
that drastic action was
taken on such occasion.
- But we didn't have the poopie suit!
- Recall that we ever did fly together.
Furthermore, the proper
and prescribed action
was taken in the case immediately.
- Colonel Hunt, will you please inform me
as to why you are so stubborn
and will not consider
a transfer for my son?
- Why congressman, I wanted
to tell you about that.
As a matter of fact, we are
effecting a transfer for your boy.
- You what?
Wonderful, wonderful.
- [Mike] (singing) It's
wonderful, wonderful.
- When did all this happen?
- Only a couple weeks ago.
As a matter of fact, they're giving them a
sort of going away party right now.
- [Mike] His face is being eaten away.
- I'm sure he can give you
the good news by himself
since you're on the line.
You hold on, I'll get him for you.
- Yes, sure.
- I was in a holding ring.
They kept pushing me under. (mock sobbing)
(mimics electricity buzz)
- Hi Dad.
- Johnny, how goes it?
- Just great, Dad.
- Bye!
- Did the CO tell you the news?
- Yes, yes, he told me
you're being transferred,
but he didn't brief me in
on it, I think it's great.
- [Mike] Yes, yes.
- Which big outfit are you getting into?
- No, none, Dad.
Our entire squadron is
being transferred to Europe
to replace the squadron that's returning.
- [Mike] Doh.
- But I'll give you
and Mom all the details
in the letter, okay?
I promise you.
Dad.
- He's vapor locked.
- Hey Dad.
- [Servo] Dad, I just really need
your love and support right
now, and (mimics click)
Dad. (mimics click)
- [Mike] Well, I.
- And you mean he didn't say anything,
wasn't even angry or something?
- [Servo] Is he picking mints?
- Nothing he could do about it.
Oh, down deep inside, Dad knows
I made the right decision.
- I think you have too, Johnny.
Flying fighters is important to you,
and you wouldn't be happy
doing anything else,
but I sure hate to see you go.
- Will you miss me?
- Right.
- How often will you write?
- Is every day often enough?
- Well, just about, no less.
- [Servo] Wanna play refueling?
- How long will you be gone, Johnny?
- Four months.
- She'll be showing by then.
- Seems like a long time, doesn't it?
- I'm beginning to miss you already.
- [Mike] But I'm not gone, so.
- Honey I, I was wondering if.
- [Servo] If you heard
how the twins are doing.
- Well, if I could ask you to wait for me.
- [Crow] Right here, under this tree.
- I was hoping you'd ask me that.
- [Mike] I'll wait with
your best friend, Steve.
- [Voiceover] Honey, I really love you.
- [Servo] I love the crunch of your hair.
- [Mary] I love you too, Johnny.
- Zip!
- [Crow] Oh I get it, yeah!
- [Servo] Whoa!
All right.
- King Friday has arrived.
- [Mike] I'm such an expressive puppet.
(laughs)
- [Servo] I must say I fall
in love with all my recruits.
- I'll just circle back
and hit on his girlfriend.
- [Servo] Ow, ow, ow, ouch.
Oh, it's a poopie hat.
- I, I'm sure it's all right.
- [Servo] Don Meredith?
(mock sobbing) So beautiful.
- [Voiceover] George tower, Cordite lead.
Taxi to takeoff information
for 18 104 Saibara.
- Cordite lead, George tower.
Taxi runway one six, altimeter
two niner niner four,
hold short of the active.
- [Servo] Member FDIC.
- Cordite lead, rog.
- And no taking the ladders.
- [Mike] Makes my dewlap proud.
- [Servo] But he needs
his training wheels.
- And to think that at the
beginning of this film,
all these characters were strangers to us.
- [Mike] Now, they're like family.
Do we get frequent flyer
miles for watching this?
- (singing) Flying away in a poopie suits.
- [Servo] (singing) Pushing
a crayon in the rayon.
(humming)
So how much penance does
this movie count for?
Couple years?
- [Mike] Gonna need some of that weird
Europe money when we get there.
- [Servo] (singing)
Don't crap in your hand,
crap in your poopie suit.
You'll feel relieved, feeling your briefs.
- [Mike] (singing) Fill
your pants over France
in your poopie suit.
- (singing) Flying high
in the poo, free to do
number two, poo-poo-pie-doo!
Poo-poo-pie-doo.
- [Mike] Uh, I should test, probably now.
(laughter)
Uh, no, that's quite enough,
thank you, thank you.
- [Servo] (whispers) Splash, splash.
- [Mike] Stop it.
- [Servo] So this must be the
highway to the danger zone.
- You know, it's all kinda dull
until you remember how
sharp those wings are.
- [Servo] Receiving a
bachelor of arts, arts degree.
- [Mike] (mock sobbing) I've
got a lump in my throat.
- I've got a lump in my poopie suit.
- [Mike] Now, cut that out.
- [Servo] Just drop it. (laughs)
- [Mike] Hey.
- I'll eliminate it from my repertoire.
- [Mike] Stop that.
- Let it lie.
- [Voiceover] George tower,
Cordite lead, ready to roll.
- [Voiceover] Cordite lead, George tower,
winds are calm, clear for takeoff.
- [Mike] Just leave please.
- Scat.
(pretend sneezes)
(triumphant band music)
- [Mike] Can we stop in New York for lunch
and then some shopping?
- [Servo] We can't stop
in New York for lunch.
- Goodbye pier one!
- [Servo] So, it seems
like they're leaving.
- [Mike] Well, that
would be the indication
I would get from the kind of thing that.
- [Crow] Yup.
- [Mike] yeah, when we get to Europe,
I'm heading straight to Rula Lenska, over.
- [Servo] I'm gonna get a
London Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt.
- [Mike] So they're leaving then?
- Yeah, yeah, leaving.
And to think that right now,
they're all makin' their own gravy.
- [Mike] Crow, that's it.
- What?
- [Servo] Captain, is
Europe a big country, over.
- [Mike] Uh, captain,
I don't speak Europe.
- It's hard to see them goin'
when you care so much about 'em.
- [Servo] Sir, about Europe,
are we attacking or just going?
- [Mike] I think this is for the best.
Their faces have really
worn out their welcome here.
- So it would be implied
that they're leaving.
- [Mike] They're leaving.
Hope they remembered to arrange
where they were going to meet in Europe.
- Ah.
Right now, they're probably
refueling in their hearts.
- [Mike] I really think there's
more nothing in this movie
than in any movie that we've seen.
- Ah.
- [Servo] Oh, it does
appear that they're leaving.
- Yup, they're leaving.
- [Servo] So basically,
according to themselves,
the Air Force is a bunch of leather-faced,
not so bright, heavy drinking,
dull witted, speed freaks,
who poop in their pants,
and can't make it with women, right?
- [Mike] Uh, yes, that is correct.
- I'm not gonna say, but I think it's it.
(triumphant band music)
(slamming beeping)
- Okay, well, I reformatted my hard drive,
reloaded all my software.
I reconfigured my COM ports,
and I've even checked my
dip switches. (laughs)
Function five, and I'm in!
- Wow!
- Oh, ooh, oh, sweet!
Information superhighway,
what gem bring you me
from the far reaches of cyberspace?
- It says, hi this is Frodo,
you want to play four person boogers.
- Oh.
Sure! (laughs)
- Okay, well, you play your boogers.
We got a letter to read here.
Uh, put the, uh, letter up
on still store there, Cambot.
Uh, this from, um,
oh, it's from Gayle, Laura,
and Clark, and they say,
Dear Mike, Crow, and Tom, last Christmas,
we got this used plastic tree,
so we spray painted it
fuchsia and cobalt blue,
silver and white.
Then, after it was
decorated, quite tastefully
I might add, we were stupefied to realize
that we were without the star,
angel, whatever, for the top of the tree.
Luckily, I realized that Tom,
Tom's face would make for
a wonderful tree topper,
so show that picture there, and.
- [Servo] Wow, that
would be a weird feeling.
- [Mike] Look it, you
got those large fleshy
hands there, that kind
of disturbs me, but.
- Where'd those, heads
a little spooky, but.
- Otherwise, it makes a nice,
so thanks Gayle, Laura, and Clark.
- Thank you, yeah.
- And, oh it looks like Crow's all set
here on the information superhighway.
- Oh you jumped by booger, oh, dah, great!
- Oh.
Frodo logged off, now I gotta go
hawk up a new booger partner.
- Well, hold on, hey
Forrester, what about,
you want to be Crow's boogers partner?
- Oh, no time for boogers.
Frank and I have established direct access
to each other's brains.
Right now, he is kindly sharing with me
some of his own thoughts.
Oh Frank, (laughs) oh
well thank you very much.
I didn't think anyone could
think that, oh, think that one again.
There you go!
Come on now.
Come on, take that a bit further.
Yes, good, excellent, Frank, yes!
Think it hard, think it,
yes, good, yes, Frank, yes!
Yes! (laughs)
Well, fun's fun.
Right now, I'm going to think Frank to
push the button.
- Oh, okay.
Okay.
- Well, push it!
Whoa!
(slow electronic brass music)
- Oh, gees!
♫ Way down in Deep 13
♫ Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank
♫ Were hatching an Evil Scheme
♫ They hired a temp by the name of Mike
♫ Just a regular Joe they didn't like
♫ Their experiment needed a good test case
♫ So they conked him on the noggin
♫ And they shot him into space ♫
- [Mike] Get me down!
♫ We'll send him cheesy movies
♫ The worst we can find la-la-la
♫ He'll have to sit and watch them all
♫ And we'll monitor his mind la-la-la
♫ Now keep in mind Mike can't control
♫ When the movies begin or end la-la-la
♫ He'll try to keep his sanity
♫ With the help of his robot friends
♫ Robot roll call ♫
♫ Cambot ♫
- Show yourself.
♫ Gypsy ♫
- I'm not ready.
♫ Servo Servo ♫
- Hello there.
♫ Croooow ♫
- That's one o.
♫ If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes ♫
♫ And other science facts la-la-la
♫ Just repeat to
yourself, it's just a show
♫ I should really just relax
♫ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♫
(guitar strum)
(slamming)
- Could be Grey Goose, so,
you know, I wanna be careful.
Hi everyone, welcome to
the Satellite of Love.
So you're just in time
to see old Crow here
log on to the information superhighway.
Now, why don't you tell us
about your system there, Crow?
- Oh you know, it's just a
basic multimedia package,
nothing special, about
90 megahertz Pentium
with 32 megs of ram,
and a quadruple speed NEC CD-ROM.
Sound Blaster 16, multi CD
sound card through that,
and a Courier V 34 28k
baud modem, you know.
- You think that'll make you happy, huh?
- Yes!
- Whoa.
(laughs)
- Accessing my SLIP server.
Entering my IP address, okay.
and enter, hoo-hoo, ha, heh.
- Huh, server timed out,
try again, what's that?
- Oh, I can read, thank you.
Must have typed the wrong
parameters here. (muttering)
- But soon you will be
merging onto the information.
- That's right, Mike, I'll be
pulling out into the
information superhighway,
and the traffic will, eh, oh.
- Huh.
- [Mike] Huh.
Wow, it looks like it locked up, huh?
- Yeah, looking for u-r-d-f-x-1-0-5-0,
what does that mean?
- I don't know!
I must have configured
my COM port incorrectly.
- Of course.
- Well, you know, I'll just assign my
modem to a different COM port
and get back into my SLIP server,
and, heh, there we.
- Whoa!
(whistles)
- Locked up tight, hmm.
- Looking for u-r-d-f-x-1-0-5--
- I can read, don't you think I can read?
- Gee, sorry.
- All right, okay, I'll try this.
Let me on
the information superhighway,
you stupid little. (muttering)
- Yep, still
looking-for-u-r-d-f-x-1-0-5-0 again.
- Oh,
let me on the information superhighway!
- Buddy.
- I want onto the information
superhighway! (muttering)
- We'll be right back, careful with that.
There's no return, we'll have to.
- Put the mouse under his tongue!
- Ah!
(throwing tantrum)
Calm down, calm down!
(upbeat music)
(hold music)
- 24 hour technical service!
Take ya 24 hours just to
pick up the stupid phone!
Geez.
All right, let's try a
couple of things here.
(hold music)
(humming)
(hold music)
(mumbling)
(hold music)
Come on, come on.
Pick up.
One, two, three, pick up.
Pick up, I know you're there, haha.
Put down the donut, put down the coffee,
and pickup the phone!
Pick it up and help me,
help me please, come on.
Come on, come on!
Oh! (sarcastic laughter)
I'm going to be a very old. (laughing)
- [Voiceover] Hello, and
thank you for calling
technical support.
- Oh hi!
Uh, nice to talk with a real person,
now listen, I got a problem
with getting on the--
- [Voiceover] Your call
is important to us,
and it will be answered in
the order it was received.
- Doh, no, no, no.
No, no, no, please, God, don't hang up,
please, please, please, please, please,
please, please, I want on
the information superhighway.
(sobs) You don't underst. (sobs)
- Yo ho, boobies!
Looky what we got.
We got cranial ports.
You know, the future belongs to those.
- Now, hold on there partner
'cause we got sauce, bar-be-cue sauce.
- Yes, siree, it's cowboy Mike's own
original red hot rico-chet (gunshot)!
Barbecue sauce.
- Yee-hoo.
- Ha-ha.
- Barbecue sauce?
But look what we've got?
- But Clay,
you think it might be, bold?
- Bold?
Well, hell yes, it's bold!
It's cowboy Mike's own original red hot
ri-co-chet (gunshot) barbecue sauce!
- Woo-hoo!
- It's might bold.
How bold is it?
It's bold enough to bull-dog your teeth
buzzin' hog tie your tongue! (laughs)
- That's how bold this
stuff is, you little prissy,
and I mean it's bold!
- [Altogether] Bold!
- Come on, steak, you want some?
- What do you think,
Clay, can we try some?
- Oh I don't know.
- They say it's bold.
- Mm.
- I'll tell you what, you
hairdressin' little cowpokes!
You check the email-a-port
and you'll find yourself a free sample
of cowboy Mike's own original red hot
ri-co-chet (gunshots)
barbecue sauce!
- [Servo] Yee-hoo!
- [Crow] It's bold!
- Hmm,
it looks somewhat bold.
Speaking of which, saucy ones, (laughs)
your movie today is called Star Fighters,
a bold Air Force epic.
- (panting) How about it, Clay?
Is it bold?
- It's actually, it's not that bold.
- It's not?
- No.
- It's not bold?
- Decidedly unbold.
Hey what's the deal with
this stuff not bein' bold?
- Now available in new extra bold!
- Well, this is really bold!
So bold it's not recommended
for human consumption.
- There is no known antidote
for it, new extra bold.
- [Altogether] Cowboy Mike's own
original red hot ri-co-chet!
(all excited chattering at once)
(loud buzzing)
(slamming sliding beeping)
(cowboy cheering and laughter)
- Oh, yeah.
- [Servo] Whoa.
Leaving on a jet plane,
uh, don't know when I'll
be back again, over.
- Uh, coming out of Los Angeles.
Uh, we have a couple of keys.
- [Servo] And don't come back.
- Oh, there's already too
much flying in this movie.
- [Servo] Boy.
- [Crow] Boy, O'Hare is busy.
- [Servo] Look they're takin' off
to become the Little Dipper!
- Well.
- [Servo] Cassiopeia.
- I think the East German long
jumper's are cheating again.
- [Servo] Let's connect the dots.
- The Sean Penn story! (laughs)
- [Servo] Jet.
- [Servo And Crow] (sing) Bluuuuuu.
- [Mike] Hate that song.
- Robert Dornan, the congressman?
- [Servo] What, couldn't
they get Rush Limbaugh?
(Air Force band music)
(humming)
- [Mike] See, see how we can
keep 'em in the air, flying?
- [Servo] Oh, lovely, lovely.
- Beautiful.
- [Mike] Dare I say fantastic?
- Today, on the American Sportsmen,
Clint Eastwood really goes after the elk
in the McKenzie Rings!
- [Servo] Oh this is the
weirdest My Little Margie
episode I have ever seen.
- [Mike] And featuring Billie De Wolfe.
- [Servo] (singing) Oh it's so grand, oh.
- (singing) Been through the dessert
on a car with no name. (humming)
(mimicking car sound)
- [Mike] Bob Dornan, wild at heart.
(clarinet swing music)
- [Servo] Oh I hate it
when the little planes
bother the big planes like that,
or a big dumb plane.
- Can't tell ya how happy that makes me.
- [Mike] Yeah, I see the
Charleston was really big
back in the '60s.
(mimicking car sound)
- [Servo] (Bullwinkle
voice) 23 skidoo, ho-ho!
- [Mike] Sergio Mendes in airplane 66.
- I'm full, I'm full, thank you.
- [Servo] Mmm, yeah, I'm comin'
over to this other plane.
They got chocolate gas.
(laughs) Num-num-num-num-num.
(humming)
- [Mike] Haunting.
(humming)
- Come on, who's next?
I can handle ya.
- This plane is insatiable.
- [Servo] It's the Babe Ruth of airplanes.
- I.
(humming)
- [Servo] Just lie back and
think of England's airspace.
(singing) Oh, sweet mystery of life,
at last I've found you.
- (laughs) Nice basket!
Uh, you want stamps with that?
- [Mike] No, just the gas
and the menthols, thanks.
(singing) Fueling and
fueling with me, so fast too.
- Sounds like The Mike Curb Congregation.
(humming)
Look!
- [Mike] I'm sorry, that's
never happened to me.
- [Servo] We can just snuggle
for a while, that's okay.
- My, you're lookin' chipper.
Someone get refueled
this weekend? (laughs)
- [Servo] Woo-hoo.
- [Voiceover] That was a nice,
clean job, Cordite three,
All right, Cordite four, you hook up now,
and take on 4,000 pounds, all set.
- [Mike] Gas was so cheap, 4,000 pounds
was like a dollar back then.
- [Servo] Be simpler just to pull up
to a pump in the ground, but.
- [Voiceover] Cordite four, Cordite lead.
I said, are you ready?
- I'm drying my hair.
- [Voiceover] This is Cordite four.
Affirmative, all ready, sir.
- [Mike] Mrs. Robinson, are
you trying to seduce me?
(Air Force band music)
- [Servo] Ewing, from downtown.
- [Mike] I have the feeling
you're not ready for this.
Your first time?
- No, it's not.
I've refueled a lot of times.
- [Servo] Geez, we
should have Donna Summer
singing for this scene.
(singing) IIII love to fuel you, ba-by.
IIII love to fuel you, ba-by, I.
- [Crow] (laughs) Ooh.
- [Voiceover] Cordite four,
from lead, what's the matter?
This isn't your first
time up here, let's go.
- Shut up, I'm doing it, okay!
- Oh, I think he has whiskey jet. (laughs)
- [Mike] Oops, Cordite
two, not your fault,
could happen to anyone, over.
- [Voiceover] Cordite four, settle down.
Just hook up and maintain
your proper position.
- [Servo] Oh that's so
constructive, that helps a lot.
- So this is like a coming of age story.
- [Voiceover] All right, now,
Cordite four, hold it there.
- [Mike] All the other
planes are giggling at him.
(mock giggling)
- [Servo] Shut up.
What's that, baby?
Oh, Cordite, four, that's French.
Tu et eh refuel baby.
(singing) It's glorious!
- [Voiceover] See, nice
and easy, no sweat.
- Oh yes, it's more wonderful than I ever
could have imagined.
- [Servo] And as the seasons changed,
the refueling continues.
- [Voiceover] Cordite
four, this is Cordite lead.
How goes it, are your tanks full yet?
- [Servo] Oh yes, oh man.
- [Voiceover] Cordite lead,
Cordite four, I'm topped off.
- [Voiceover] All right,
Cordite four, disconnect.
- It was really awkward 'cause
he yelled out Cordite four,
but he was with Cordite five!
- [Servo] (mock radio static)
Oh, no, no, stay, please.
I'll cook breakfast, over.
- [Mike] Cordite four,
promise you'll call?
(triumphant instrumental music)
- I believe in refueling, I do.
- Yes, welcome to minute six
of the glorious refueling sequence.
- [Mike] And they can
fly over mountains too!
- [Servo] Yeah.
- Uh, Cordite four, why
did we pick Cordite?
- [Voiceover] Uh, George
Tower, Cordite main
30 miles out, request
landing information, over.
- [Servo] Just write, landing
information Pueblo, Colorado.
- Roger, Cordite lead, George Tower
landing runway one six,
altimeter two niner niner two,
winds variable five knots,
report on initial, over.
- [Mike] Wyatt Tindall, out.
- The refueling jet likes me!
He thinks I'm cute!
- [Servo] Me too, woo.
(singing) In December
it's time to remember
the time in September.
- [Mike] Welcome to Air-otica.
Put your lips, your legs,
your hips, in a locked position.
- Prince, sure you buy a jet,
but then you have to
put in a long driveway.
- [Servo] Gee, too bad
this is all the jet footage
we're gonna see.
- [Mike] I'd rather listen
to Bob Dorn in speak.
(laughter)
- You're gonna get it.
- Colonel Hunt sent word
wants to see you, sir.
- Now?
- Well, he said as soon as you got down.
- Okay.
- [Servo] It's about your
face, it's too lumpy.
- [Mike] I'll take your
elephant mask, sir.
- Thank me for flying Me Airline.
Please check around my own seating area
for any garments I may have stowed there.
- [Servo] Now, here comes our own Terry
with a lovely flight
suit by Christian Dior.
- Ah.
- [Mike] Hi, (laughs) hey, how are ya?
Hey come on over here, I
wanna talk to ya, come here.
(laughs) That's right, come here.
- Here comes a narwal!
- [Servo] Isn't it nice
when you can de-plane
while listening to the
world's most beautiful music.
- You, uh, done with the, uh, ladder?
I could use it, uh, I got
your helmet, hero, anyway.
- What's the matter, Bradley,
you trying to give me a bad time up there?
- I'd like to explain about
that, Major Stevens, sir.
- Explain nothing!
Took you two minutes to hook up,
and that's two minutes too long.
- [Mike] Should've been none minutes.
- What's going to happen to you
when we get up there at night
and go through the same kind of mission?
- [Servo] Then I'll
take two minutes again!
- You better get out
your needle and thread
and start practicing in your spare time.
- [Mike] Okay, that's
constructive at the, hey!
- If you're at the base
exchange, just got in
some of those newfangled sewing kits.
- [Mike] Chin.
- Want us to chip in and get you one?
- Hey Frank.
- Yeah, Bob.
- [Mike] If I could clean that out.
- To base headquarters immediately.
- Not an actor.
- He wants to be escorted for
showing our whole operation.
- [Mike] Beautiful.
- But I've got another flight scheduled
in half an hour, and I need the time.
- Yeah, but I heard you're
the linguist in this outfit.
- Oh yeah, last time week
it was the West Germans,
and a month ago, the Japanese.
Now, with all these NATO
countries buying up these 104s,
well, they, they all want to
see how the experts do it.
(upbeat music)
- [Voiceover] Major Stevens here, sir.
(gasps)
- Have him come in.
- [Servo] Guess he broke the face barrier.
- Ah! (snickers)
- Good morning, Colonel Hunt.
- Oh, it's you.
I never get used to you.
- Have a seat, I'll be right with you.
- [Mike] Is your face odd, misshapen?
Join the Air Force.
- Bob, you're going to lose
three of your officers.
- [Servo] I'm going to kill them.
- Sending Holzhauer, Riggs, and Bradley,
over to the 580th, how are they doing?
- Well, no sweat on Holzhauer and Riggs,
but Bradley's still having a
little trouble with the refueling.
- Oh, it'll shape him up in a hurry.
The 580th is deploying the
Spain at the end of the month.
These three will fill their quota.
- Are you listening?
- You don't look so happy, my friend
'cause you're getting three troops of
team Lockheed's 104 only in pictures,
but they'll be willing and able.
Transfer says their coming in today.
- [Mike] Send 'em some
baskets or something.
- I'm used to it.
- Not quite.
- [Servo] Ah, humor in uniform.
- Coming in are First
Lieutenants William York,
Eugene Lyons, and John W. Witkowski.
- Bunny?
- Junior.
- Junior!
- Uh-huh, son of Congressman
John W. Witkowski.
- [Servo] Senior.
- Also, the Colonel Witkowski
who flew the B-24s over Ploesti,
Schweinfurt, Regensburg.
- [Servo] Snickerdoodle.
- And about every other
place those Mack trucks
dropped 1,000 pounders on.
- Wasn't he the one
that retired in 20 years
and right after that, got himself
elected to the House of Representatives?
- [Hunt] That's right.
- [Mike] Oh mama.
- And the same Witkowski
who's been appealing
to virtually every
appropriations committee
concerned with expenditures,
making sure that the Air Force
doesn't lose out on any
of its planned projects.
- So that's good.
- Yeah, it's good.
- [Servo] Yet I feel hollow.
- But his old man wants his
son into the heavy stuff.
He wants him to fly the B-52s or 58s.
Doesn't think he should
be wasting his time
in these pittling fighters.
- [Mike] Uh, speaking of
pittling, sir, if I could, yeah.
- He's funding for hounding
the young lieutenant
wherever he's stationed.
- Mean he wants him out?
- He wants him out of the
tactical air command and into SAC.
- In the sack?
- He wants the boy to
push the big stuff around
like daddy used to do 20 years ago.
- Heck he should know
those 104s aren't toys
at a million-and-a-half dollars a piece.
Well, they can do a lot more damage
than those 24s that Witkowski
so kindly remembers.
- I don't know, uh, maybe
he's thinking about the times
he had to get those deep targets
without any fighter support or.
- [Servo] Mandrake.
- The fighters about something.
- Well, maybe he should be briefed again
on how our TAC fighters
did it alone at Lebanon,
Taiwan, and more recently, Berlin.
- Well, at least the young
lieutenant knows what he wants.
- [Mike] Lebany?
- [Servo] (laugh whispers) I don't know.
- He doesn't let anybody
know he's a son of a VIP
or ask for any preferential treatment,
so you treat him like one of the boys.
- [Mike] Okay, everyone set
with the premise of the move?
- Yeah, it, uh.
- [Mike] Some sort of plane
theme, something like that.
- Oh, oh look.
- Pets welcome, free cable TV.
(1950s swing jazz)
- [Servo] (sings) Puttin' on the ritz.
- [Mike] The Air Force
is in the Dog 'n Suds.
- It's cocktail hour here
at the Air Force. (chuckles)
- [Servo] Oh, George?
We were supposed to go
to Larry Air Force base.
Yeah, take that paper.
That's right, make it swing, junior,
you know, junior tried to be a singer,
but he couldn't cut it.
Sit down junior.
- Hoo-hoo!
(1950s swing music)
- [Servo] What, I had
no idea the Air Force
was an Orrin Thompson development.
(jets streaming)
- [Mike] Oh the problem is,
there's a lot of jet noise.
- That's a heavily guarded suburb.
- [Mike] Ooh, a Malibu Barbie car.
(laughs)
- Kidnapped by Carol Channing.
- [Servo] Uh, yes, the
Air Force is that way.
There, just keep going
over there, you'll see it.
- [Mike] Boy, everything was just
sunny and perfect back then.
- [Servo] Mm-hmm.
- All right, Dave, why don't you
get out of the wig and into your uniform?
- [Servo] Honey, just wait in the car
'till my tour of duty is done.
- Ooh.
I love his sweaty butt.
- [Servo] Ugh.
Our job, spray talc on that man's butt.
- Gentlemen, the plane you're
going to be working with
for the next few months.
- [Mike] What?
- A fighter pilots dream.
Every since the days of
Richthofen and Rickenbacker,
pilots who fly to fight
have always yearned
for the advantages of altitude and speed.
- You woke me.
- [Hunt] You will experience
a concept of lightness
never before felt.
- [Mike] You must die.
- [Hunt] What's truly
an ultrasonic fighter.
Now this is the Starfighter.
- [Mike] Get him.
- [Hunt] Lockheed's F-104
air superiority fighter.
- Excuse me. (mimicking guns)
- [Hunt] It's a part of the team of the
Tactical Air Commands
Composite Air Strike Force.
- [Mike] From Mattel.
- [Hunt] It's even been called a
missile with a man in it.
- Ooh.
- Now, I know you intrepid pilots
are anxious to get the feel of the bird
or else you wouldn't be here.
- [Servo] Touch my bird, go ahead.
- Now, I'm assigning the
three of you to Major Stevens,
578 TAC squadron.
- Spiegel, Chicago, Illinois 60609.
- 38s in World War Two
and the 86s in Korea.
- [Servo] And the V8s
in the one after 909.
- You could bet your sweet life
he's sold on the Starfighter.
- [Mike] There, I'll
take you there quickly.
- We spent billions, so the
Air Force could mess around.
- [Mike] Huh?
- Some bird, huh?
- [Servo] Where, oh.
- Look out for the
leading edge of that wing,
Lieutenant Lyons, it's sharp.
- Don't run with that wing.
- No, I mean it.
Go ahead and try and
slice something on it.
- [Mike] See, we can
make a really sharp wing.
- [Stevens] Knife, that wing is so thin,
you wonder how it can get up enough lift
to keep this bird flying.
By the way, where did you men come from?
- [Mike] Russia.
- How about you, Lieutenant Witkowski.
- Well, sir, Lieutenant York
and I were at Nellis together.
We picked up a couple hundred
hours flying the 100s there.
- Well, the 100 is a good airplane.
It's still the backbone of
the Tactical Air Command.
- [Servo] I'm not dissing the 100.
- How about you, Lieutenant Lyons?
- I flew the 86s over at Luke,
and before that, I was T-Bird instructor.
- Good, any of you married?
- Please, no, no, please.
- My wife's with me here.
- And two bachelors, I suppose.
- [Servo] I wasn't finished about my wife.
- Well, a couple of
good-looking troops like you
shouldn't have trouble
finding dates in a hurry.
- You just furnish us with
a couple of leads, major.
- Right now I'm here to furnish you
with information about this airplane.
- [Mike] But you brought it up.
- You've already read the flight manual,
so come around the other
side, and take a look at this.
- [Servo] Hold hands,
find a partner, come on.
- Yeah, there's plenty
of girls around here.
- [Mike] Wow, that's great
'cause I'm really look.
- Shut up! (stammers)
- [Servo] That's it,
everybody stroke the needle.
There you go.
- [Mike] This plane was
recently sexed, it's a boy.
- [Stevens] Bet you never saw this version
of the rotating gun and a gun before.
- [Mike] Wow.
- [Voiceover] Especially pushing
out 20 millimeter shells,
6000 of them a minute.
- (whispers) Oh baby, oh.
- [Voiceover] 100 rounds
per second, gentlemen.
- Wow.
- [Servo] You're not here
to admire this plane.
- [Stevens] This is the probe that's used
for air refueling.
- Go ahead, lick it.
- [Stevens] Taste of that
a few weeks from now.
- When do we get our first
check out ride, Major?
- Want to get settled in the
Married Officers Quarters
with your wife, Lieutenant Lyons?
- Yes sir, I certainly do.
- All right, Lieutenant Witkowski,
I'll schedule you to go up
with me in the two place job.
We'll also get an instructor
for Lieutenant York.
Go on back to the squadron
room, you'll be briefed.
(gulp)
- [Mike] Yippee, I'm a
pilot, I know how to fly now.
- Lieutenant Lyons, you
get yourself settled,
check in at the officers Club.
You'll fly first thing in the morning.
- Gee, I sure appreciate that, Major.
You know, it's a little tough on the wife,
I mean, checking on a new base
and all that, thank you, sir.
- [Servo] Yeah, the wife is gonna be
awful glad to see the me.
- We're going to have the sex.
- [Stevens] Sargent, those two D's
will be taking off at 1430.
Get your men on them right away.
- [Mike] You do it.
- Yes sir!
- [Servo] And sharpen those planes.
- This helmet belonged to a
German we check out on the bird,
and my opponent was an instructor pilot.
Why don't you wear it for this ride
until we can get one of your own?
- There are little bits of skull
and hair in there, just wipe that out.
- [Mike] Hey Siegfried,
you fly this plane,
Nazi bastard.
- All right, you've had TOs,
you've been briefed on local procedures.
After takeoff, we'll head north.
- I've had enough of this face, ugh.
- Under the smoke for a while.
Then we'll climb to 32,000 feet.
- [Mike] And explode.
- Learn a little about this job.
- [Mike] How do you start it?
- Now since both of you have had
sufficient time in the F-100s,
you're gonna find that
this bird is lighter.
- Flakier.
- More sensitive, and
a heck of a lot faster.
We'll hand you the stick
up there after a bit.
- [Mike] And we'll fly the plane.
- Let's crank up now and go
have a little serious fun.
- [Mike] At Lincoln Center.
- [Servo] Sir, it says,
do not step on top rung,
how do I get in?
- Uh, just move that baby seat
and those bottles and
those nursing things.
- [Mike] You know, in a real movie,
they'd have red buttons doing the ladders.
Uh, did you sign the release, sir?
The Air Force bears no responsibility
for the safety of its pilots.
(hums descending instrumental tune)
- Promise you'll write, sir?
(snickers)
- [Mike] Upsie um daisy.
- Really glad we brought this ladder.
It was like it was made for this.
- [Servo] Well, the pilot light works.
(humming)
- [Voiceover] George Tower Cordite one
taxi and takeoff
information to 104 as VFR.
- [Mike] Uh, Regan fire that's gotta go.
- George, taxi runway one six altimeter.
Two niner niner eight,
hold short of the active.
- [Voiceover] Cordite one, roger.
- Cordite niner kiner biner
minor, niner Warsaw steiner.
- [Servo] I can heimer.
- [Crow] John Byner.
(slams)
- [Voiceover] Thank you for holding.
Your call is important to us.
Calls are being answered
in the order in which they were received.
(hold music)
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, well,
I got better things to do
with my time, Mr. Tech Support, ha.
- [Servo] Craw, Cordite
Crow, Cordite Crow,
ready for refueling, over.
(hold music)
Craw Cordite Crow, quick fooling around
and get yourself in position.
This isn't the first
time you've been up here.
- Roger.
(hold music)
- [Servo] Woah. (clears throat)
Craw, we are on and locked,
prepared to take on 5,000 pounds, over.
- [Crow] Roger.
- [Voiceover] Hi, this is Brian,
can I have your name and
serial number please?
(flustered mumbling)
- [Servo] Crow, your
guy's on the line there.
(flustered mumbling)
- [Voiceover] Name and serial
number please, hello, hello?
- [Servo] Huh.
(line disconnects)
- Ah, uh, oh.
Uh, Brian, oh, hey, you can help me.
I'm having trouble getting on
the information superhighway,
and you can get, this.
(dial tone)
Noooooooooooo!
- [Servo] (humming) Bum, bum, bum, bum.
Do, ba, ba, ba,
ba, ba.
(upbeat music)
(sobbing)
(humming)
- Stop that, that doesn't
make me feel better.
(sniffling)
- [Mike] Hi Tony, hey, where
you goin', where you goin'?
Can I come along, am I bugging
ya, I bug some people, huh.
I'm gonna fly everywhere you go, okay?
- [Servo] Yes, the world's
most beautiful music pipes
directly into your cockpits.
- [Voiceover] George
Tower, Cordite lead to 104
straight ahead approach.
(humming)
- Cordite lead, George
Tower, runway one six.
- Whoa, he's suddenly become mellifluous.
- [Servo] Uh, wheels.
What doesn't this movie have?
- [Mike] Uh, you'll turn
right at the Dairy Queen
when you get here.
- I think maybe one plane
landing at a time, please.
(upbeat instrumental jazz)
- [Servo] That's sexy land. (growls)
- [Mike] Hey move over a
little, scooch, scooch over.
- [Servo] The exotic Zeppelins
of Led down the Mississippi.
The year is 1952, a very
young Stan Getz at the mic.
The Jackie Gleason show!
- [Mike] We bring you into the hangar
in a relaxed kind of way.
- [Servo] Tell the tower
the music's a little loud.
- The military has so much money,
they actually have Nelson
Riddle in the tower.
- [Servo] (singing) Please
be careful of the intake.
- [Mike] I've had to go potty since Toma.
- Could be better, failed to yield.
- [Mike] F minus.
- [Servo] Oh no.
- Hey, James Carville.
(powering down)
- I see you've been upping the newcomers.
What do they think of the Starfighters?
- Well, I don't know about York,
but Witkowski seems to
have been born in one.
- [Mike] Ooh.
- Oh yeah, with the way
his old man feels about it?
Why what happened?
- Well, after a half an
hour of some familiarization
flying, I gave him the feel of it.
He made me ashamed of the thousand hours
I've logged in this bird.
- What's the beef, Bob?
- Well, nothing Colonel, but frankly,
I never saw a neophyte handle an airplane
the way Witkowski did.
- [Mike] What's a neophyte, Bob?
- Sure, he was a little
sloppy on the controls
at the start, but after he got
used to the characteristics,
he threw the book at it, doing
his best to annihilate space.
- You mean he was showing off?
- Not at all.
No, Witkowski's the start of
a darn good fighter pilot.
- [Servo] Why don't you marry him?
- He was obviously trained right.
But more than that, there's something
bringing this drive out in him.
- Of course.
- The congressman?
- Oh maybe, but do you know flying a plane
is like making love?
- [Mike] Uh, you have to pay?
- Once you've had a little experience,
every operator thinks he's an expert.
- [Servo] (singing) The
marriage to build a sky.
- [Mike] Tell me more about love.
- [Servo] Where is the stupid ladder guy?
- Hey, there's airplanes around here.
- [Mike] Up, up, and away.
- Well, hello there.
- Well, hello there, yourself.
- She's bing-a-ling.
- Picture of contentment
while we hesitated
about interrupting.
- Not at all.
Say fellas, this is my wife, Betty.
Betty, this is John
Witkowski and Bill York.
- [Servo] We call 'em
Pinkidink and Porkboy.
- Come on, have a seat, you
guys aren't going anywhere.
- Sure will.
- [Mike] You don't mind if
we continue to make love.
- Some friends at the club.
- Gene told me he was starting off
with a couple bachelors.
- Oh, footloose and fancy-free,
and we're on the prowl.
(growls)
- Well, we can't really say.
We really haven't started to look.
What are you doing tonight?
- Ha, hey, you really are on the prowl.
- You stay out of this.
- Yes, stay out of this.
- [Servo] Honey.
- Now, which one of you two nice young men
is looking for a date?
- Me.
- Right here.
- Well, not to change the subject,
but just how did it go
out there today, huh?
- Gene, you'll never believe it.
I don't know how to explain
it, you'll never believe it.
That bird really wants to go.
- [Mike] I don't believe it.
- It was even more than
Colonel Hunt said it was.
You know, I actually thought that it was
gonna get away from under
us while we were taking off.
- [Mike] Yeah, great.
Can we order?
- I've never experienced
anything like it before.
Never before.
Remember when we were making the change?
- [Mike] Oh boy.
- Yeah.
- Believe me, this change
is even more terrific.
- Uh, you mean, you're
really sold on it, huh?
- Oh!
- [Mike] No.
- I signed the contract today.
- [Servo] He's a regular Sam Levenson.
- Did you hear what he says?
I mean, about the wonderful
flight you had today?
- Everything he says and
an awful lot more too.
(munching sounds)
Gene leaves off on his
first ride in the morning.
- Yeah, and I can hardly wait.
Say, say look, why don't you guys join us
for dinner tonight, come on.
- Aw, negative, but thanks.
I had a snack a little while earlier.
Right now, all I want to do is
make friends with the bartender.
- [Servo] (laughs) Drink
'till I wet myself.
- Gene, I think I'll pass on that too.
You get me a day, and I'll
take you up on that dinner offering, okay?
- We'll see you, nice meeting you, Betty.
- [Mike] It was a great, great scene.
- You know, John, I never really realized
what a tiger you are.
- Sh, not here.
- Why I'm just as
sociable as the next guy.
- Oh, I mean about on that flight today.
Boy, you were really rocking it around.
- What do you mean?
Stevens gave me the controls
and told me not to break
the airplane, that's all.
- Yeah, I know.
- [Servo] Don't pout.
- You've been holding
out on me, old buddy.
- Oh, it's not the first time
either of us have been in a jet.
- First time on one of
these babies for me.
- [Mike] Oh, that Vodka, mm.
- Oh they're all pretty much alike.
This was just a little easier, that's all.
- Easier?
Ha!
Well, this just wants to get
away from me, that's all.
- [Servo] Just drink.
- Come on, let's get off
the flying kick, huh.
We're gonna be on it every
day for the next six months.
- Day and night.
Hey, I live for this stuff, don't you?
- Sure, Bill, flying's
my first love right now.
- [Mike] After drinking.
- Suppose I weren't a throttle jock,
maybe I'd be on a navy
underwater demolition team
or some other wild outfit, and
that would be my first love.
- [Mike] Not decoupage?
- You mean to say you didn't
want in this mans Air Force?
- When I was in college.
- [Mike] Drink.
My dad wanted me to get in the ROTC.
- [Servo] Oh boy.
- [Mike] Liquor.
- My school just happened to
have an Air Force ROTC unit.
- [Crow] Booze.
- Then when I graduated,
he wanted me to get
in the actual flying end of it,
so I'm here, and that's great.
- [Servo] Gin.
- But I wasn't one of
these kids that used to
hang around airports
just to be near pilots
and planes and hangar talk.
- [Mike] Okay, okay.
- Really love it.
I wouldn't trade it for anything, but.
(burp)
I don't see why we have to
breathe it day and night.
- Geez, I started a friendly conversation,
and he takes the floor.
- Okay, sport, here's to
some really good flying.
- I'll drink to that.
- 17-and-a-half scotches later.
- [Mike] (muffled) to realize
I had a aptitude for flying.
'Course I'm as social as the next guy,
have I told you that, over?
- [Servo] Playing tennis,
flying all with your new hair.
- Cordite four, join the
formation, we like you.
- [Mike] The dentist will see you shortly.
- Uh, anyone seen Francis Gary?
Where'd he get off to, that nut?
- [Mike] You know, we can
make fun of these guys,
but Saddam Hussein ain't laughin' huh.
(laughter)
- [Servo] Mike, shall we?
- [Mike] Oh, I'd love to, thank you.
- (humming) The afternoon.
- [Mike] You're as light as air.
- [Servo] Oh, that's lovely,
where did you learn that step?
- [Mike] Thank you.
- [Servo] Oh, I am tired, thank you.
- Here, the Air Force escorts
in anew new to a golf game.
- [Mike] Yes, we've
traded quality education
of a million kids for these planes.
- [Mike] Ah, lovely, lovely.
- [Crow] Very nice.
- [Servo] Ooh, colonel, do laugh.
- Well, gentlemen, now that
you've soloed in Starfighter,
you're entitled to this patch.
- [Mike] Oh great, a patch.
- I'm sure you'll discover
that the next training phase
is more exciting and much more demanding.
Eventually, we'll be depending on you to
perform a variety of fine jobs.
For instance, that pilot right there,
he's going up for another high altitude
side winder firing test.
- Nope, just going to clean
out my plane. (chuckles)
- Colonel Hunt, sir, they've
been looking for you.
Telephone call from Washington.
- And I've been looking for you O'Brien.
- [Mike] What's happening?
- General has just been informed
that five technicians
from the Belgian Air Force
will be on the base sometime this evening,
and you are to escort to escort them
during their stay here.
- What, I'm setup for
night flying this week.
(gulp)
- I know, they'll just have to wait
until after they've seen
how we operate here.
- Well, I'll be going up.
- Ah-ah-ah, temper, temper.
- Aw nuts.
(upbeat music)
- Colonel Hunt speaking.
- Good morning, Colonel Hunt.
You're a hard man to find.
- [Mike] Sarah?
- Who's this?
- Well, it's a little difficult to
introduce oneself over the phone.
- I sell Panola.
- I'm John Witkowski, the
father of one of the pilots
who transferred to your
command a couple of weeks ago.
- Oh.
Yes, our Lieutenant Witkowski.
- [Servo] His face springs into action.
- I do know you be reputation,
of course, congressman.
Pleasure to speak with you in person,
but I believe you boy is up on
a training mission right now
or I'd have him talk to.
- No, I merely wanted to
introduce myself to you.
- [Mike] Perhaps dinner or.
- We have a bit in common, you see.
- [Mike] My brother, George.
- You and I were flying
in the ETO together,
20 years ago.
- Quite a lot of us
were in the ETO together
at that time sir.
- Maybe so.
- [Servo] They were in BTO?
- [Mike] (laughs) I don't know.
- Now tell me, Colonel
Hunt, how's the lad doing?
- Well, he came in here with
a couple other officers.
- [Mike] Leathery.
- He's going through
routine 104 operational
procedures right now.
- Getting along all right then, is he?
- I only met him once, congressman,
but he seems like a personal boy to me.
- [Mike] What do you want?
- He's had no trouble with his fellow men
or the aircraft he's flying.
- Uh, I happen to be looking at the
TAC tally of accidents, Colonel Hunt.
- [Servo] (whispers) Oh man.
- I was frankly shocked at what I saw.
- What do you mean, sir?
- [Mike] Shocked.
- Well, to my knowledge, it was
considerably more than those sustained
by the heavy bombers in SAC.
- Congressman.
- [Servo] 'Kay how much do you want?
- Did you ever consider
how many individual flights
the Tactical Air Command puts in the air
as compared to Strategic Air Command?
- I am comparing it with
an accident free record,
which is what it should be.
- Exactly right.
- His forehead has been clear-cut.
- In this day of engineering,
the equipment is virtually perfect.
- Here we go.
- But we still have the
human factor to contend with.
That's why your boy is here.
- [Servo] He's human.
- He'll be supervising
and handling these planes,
so that they conform in the manner
that the Air Force specifies.
- [Mike] I had that coming.
- How is John doing in
his flying, Colonel Hunt?
- He's just started,
and he has months of intensive training
on all combat procedures ahead of him.
- [Mike] That was a great scene.
- Kaboing!
(rolling tongue)
- [Servo] It's the new Air
Force goofy bomb from Wham-O.
- [Mike] Yeah, go ahead and laugh.
They got a kitty in that bomb.
- [Servo] Oh.
(meowing)
It landed on pig pen!
- [Servo] Yeah, dig me, pretty much.
(humming)
(explosion)
- Oh, Mrs. Lockhorn cooked dinner again.
- [Servo] (laughs) Good
to see, I'm out on a bomb
in run with my baby.
Yeah, come on, bounce one for me,
bounce one, yeah.
- [Mike] Here we go.
- [Servo] Sit down, junior.
We're gonna bomb 'em back to the jazz age.
(scatting)
- [Mike] Lieutenant Hebe, it says.
- [Servo] (laughs) Lift here.
- Yes, that desert environment
is enhanced by bombing.
Left alone, it is too placid.
- [Servo] (singing) Kaboom, kaboom.
- [All] (singing) Yah-dah-dah
dah-dah-dah dah-dah-dah.
- [Servo] Just sit right back
and enjoy the Vietnam War
weeknights after Laughlin.
- [Mike] Yeah, if this was a war,
we'd be winning it, easy.
(upbeat big band music)
- [Servo] Okay, we're gonna
shake things up a bit.
Pick it up, now, come
on, and move with us.
- [Mike] (singing) Bombing, yeah!
- Whoo!
- [Mike] Okay, ladies choice now.
- Drop your payloads to the
sounds of farokian taisure.
- [Servo] Welcome to
the rainbow gathering.
Peace is possible in our lifetime, ooh.
(big band swing music)
(humming)
- [Mike] God I love my
job, who needs high school?
- It's a volatile mixture of
popmunitions and cool jazz.
(humming)
- [Servo] And Bob came
back the very next day.
- [Mike] Well boys, in all fairness,
I should tell you, occasionally,
the North Vietnamese will fight back.
- Ah, Christo's latest installa, ah good.
- [Servo] Well, if we're ever attacked
by a white rectangle,
we got it under control.
See?
- [Mike] Oh, my thermos of napalm.
Oh, I'll get it later.
- [Servo] Here, on apocalypse lights.
- [Mike] Hey, guys, let's not
blow everything up the first day, okay?
We got the whole weekend.
I think the U.S. should
get out of this movie.
- [Servo] Hope burial ground?
Oh well.
- I hope they blow up Blossom.
- [Servo] heheh.
Archery is safe and if. (shouts)
(mimics explosion)
- You all want to climb in this car?
- 'scuse me?
- Hold it.
I'm the only one that's going to.
- Sorry I'm late, honey, but
I made a date for one of you.
Who wants it?
- What do you mean made a date, for when?
- For tomorrow night.
- I can tell you right
now that it's gotta be me
without any argument from him.
He goes on a 24 hour duty as
assistant air drone officer,
and he knows it.
- My name has been on the
list for three weeks now,
and there's nothing I
can really do about it,
and besides, you never
really should send a boy
to do a man's job.
(mock laughter)
- Level with me, Betty, what's she like?
- Do you realize that I've been
stationed here over a month now,
and this is the first
night that I found out
this lovely creature exists?
- Oh Mary didn't exist
much before this past week.
She just moved to the west
coast with her family.
I met them all out in the upper valley.
- So I must have looked lonesome.
- [Servo] Shut up, Iris.
- Well, we're gonna take
care of that from here on in.
Is this your first time on an Air Base?
- Mm-hmm.
- Never been around a
bunch of pilots before?
- [Mike] Well this tail hook and all.
- So, how about that?
Someone who will listen for a chance.
- Well, I wish I cold have
listened a while back.
Then perhaps I wouldn't
be where I am today.
(goofy mock laughter)
- Hey Mary, where are you from anyway?
- Iowa.
- [Servoe] Oh, so you're stupid.
- Iowa, Iowa, say, I've heard
of that place before, Gene.
Don't we have a cross country schedule
to take us across there?
- Yeah, but we can bypass it if you like.
- No kidding, Iowa.
. Yes, and I bet you're going to ask me
if my family raised corn back there.
- [Mike] Yeah.
- Well, now that you mention it,
I was going to do that very thing.
- Well, go ahead and ask me.
- Okay, I'm asking you.
- Actually, we did and we didn't.
- [Mike] Huh?
- Thanks a lot, you guys,
you brought me a puzzle.
- No. (laughs)
- Okay, I'll bite.
- Dad had an experimental farm back there.
- And I suppose you were the one
that held the tape measure every morning
just to see how much the
stalks grew overnight.
- Not quite, but for the last two years,
I was what they call a corn detasseler.
- [Servo] Wow.
- What?
- A corn detasseler.
- What in blazes is that?
- Well, that's a person who removes
pollen bearing tassels
from five rows of corn.
- [Servo] Check please.
- And tassels the next
five rows, and so forth.
- Go on, I'm flabbergasted.
- [Mike] Me too.
- Two rows you skip are the male rows,
and when the tassels dry out,
the pollen drips over to the female.
- [Mike] O-kay. (clears throat)
- That's how we develop
a hybrid seed corn.
- Can you beat that?
- [Servo] Yes.
- I always knew that sex was corny,
but did you ever think
that corn could be so sexy?
(mock laughter)
- Well, now.
- [Servo] Have you accepted Jesus?
- I've been at George for
the past three years now,
and every time I see a pretty new face,
I have to find out who it belongs to.
- So, what's your name, solder. (laughs)
- Oh hi, Betty.
- Hi Fred.
- This is Mary Davidson.
Mary, this is Fred O'Brien.
He's one of the flight
commanders in our squadron.
- Another pilot, won't you join us?
- Oh by all means, if
only for a little while.
- Oh, thanks very much,
I don't mind if I do.
- [Servo] Where's that stupid
Iowa chick, she get here?
- Well, where were we?
- You were about to ask
where Mary came from.
- [Mike] I came from planet Claire.
- Now tell me, where
did you come from, Mary?
- Iowa, if you must know.
- [Mike] Iowa!
- What'd you do back there?
- She was a corn detasseler.
- A what?
- A corn detasseler.
- [Mike] Yes, corn detasseler.
- Well, that's a person who--
- Hold it, hold it,
once a night is enough.
- Oh no, I'd like to hear more about this.
After all, I'm just an
old farm boy myself.
- Oh you're kidding.
- No, really, you know, my dad still runs
a small dairy farm right
outside of Milwaukee.
- [Mike] Name's Geen.
- So I got out in time.
- [Servo] Frankenhooker.
- [Mike] Wow.
- Oh.
Well, dad always said
there were three ways
a man could bring about
his physical destruction.
They were by drinking.
- [Servo] Detasseling.
- By women,
by farm.
- [Crow] Got caught in the power takeoff.
- My poor father chose the
least exciting of the three.
(upbeat music)
- Bear hore hobery hor,
bear hore hobery hor,
detail, hault.
Right face!
Hurried face!
Nelson!
Front man center on the double!
- [Mike] Yo.
- At ease.
- Thank you.
- Major Nelson, we are now
halfway through the movie.
- Murder!
- And during this time,
you have been repeatedly exposed
to copious amounts of top secret
classified information!
- Rubber!
- And, so,
at this point in time,
we feel it is now necessary
to debrief you!
- That's perfect.
- Get him!
(various shouting)
- Woo-hoo!
- Yes. Mission accomplished.
- Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
- Woah!
- How'd you get those
off past my jumpsuit?
- Well we have our little ways.
(buzzing)
(various shouting)
- [Mike] Well, we got movie
time, give me those back!
- Surfing time!
I'll go this way with the pants!
(slamming beeping)
- Excuse me, Captain O'Brien.
(laughing)
- [Mike] You know I think
I have to thank you.
This feels pretty good.
- Oh, well you're welcome.
- Well, will you save my place, everybody?
I'll be right back.
- Okay, Frank.
- [Mike] Thanks for brightening our day.
- Captain O'Brien.
- [Servo] Hmm, what the?
- [Mike] Is that the one guy?
- [Servo] Which guy is this guy?
- [Mike] That one other guy.
- Which guy?
- [Mike] I don't know, but he was the one.
- Yeah, what's up?
- Look, out of base ops,
there are four Italian officers.
- [Mike] You want one?
- And they're on one of
these government sponsored
spectrum tours.
Well, they bipassed Williams and MacDill
and they stopped here instead.
- [Mike] Oh.
- I understand you're the best
one to see in such a case.
- [Mike] Make a face.
- What, me on a Saturday night?
Look, I've got friends
waiting for me inside.
- [Servo] From Europe.
- Besides, Italian's one
language I don't comprehend.
- Brad, look, all of these guys
speak good English, you know that.
They just need somebody
to clear them through
and to get them billeted.
- [Mike] Oh dear.
- I'm going to be tied
up in the message center,
so I can't do it.
- Bill, you shouldn't do this to me.
- Well, look, I'm really sorry,
but with your experience,
I understand you're really the one to
call in such cases.
- Okay, okay, I'll be right
down and check 'em in.
- [Servo] This movie's becoming
abstract all of a sudden.
- I already have your
wheels for you, Fred,
they're right out front.
- Yeah, thanks Bill.
- Hey!
- [Mike] I want to kick
this movie in the groin
at snag on it, and give it a power sit-up.
- [Servo] So, are these the communists?
- [Mike] She'd make a
nice dependable wife.
- You don't have to go in yet, do you?
Your house is all dark,
and your folks go to bed early?
- Either that or they
aren't in yet themselves.
- [Mike] Or I murdered them.
- Did you have fun tonight?
- [Servo] Did you Wing Chun tonight?
- Me too.
First time I've been out on
a date since I met Nellis.
- Nellis, who's Nellis, is she cute?
- [Junior] Oh you nut,
Nellis is the name of our
Air Force base outside of Las Vegas.
- Oh.
(mock laughter)
- [Junior] We call her a lot
of things but never cute.
- I bet there are plenty of girls there.
- Where, at the base?
- Can you get me some?
- No, Vegas, silly.
- Oh, well, of course,
Vegas is a swingin' town.
- This place must seem awfully
quiet to you after that thing.
- No, I kind of like it here.
- [Servo] Now why don't you kiss her
instead of talking her to death.
- But it was really too expensive
for me, I don't miss it.
- Oh, I bet you do too.
I heard about Las Vegas
and all those showgirls.
- Now, what would a fighter
pilot know about showgirls?
- I can't imagine.
- It's a calamity.
- How do you spend your time around here?
- Well, I don't spend
it, they've got it all
planned out for me.
- You're a pilot, don't you fly a lot?
- Oh sure, as much as I
can get it on the schedule.
It's not as much as I'd like.
- When will you be going up next?
- First part of next week, I guess, why?
- [Servo] Quick, the reels
are changing, kiss her.
- Would you do me a favor?
- Oh sure.
- Could you fly real low
over our house and make
your engine roar real loud?
- Oh Mary, you've been seeing
too many of those World War Two flicks
on The Late Late Show.
Those days of buzzing are gone forever.
- [Mike] Okay, screw buzzing.
- But I thought pilots
always wanted to do that.
- Well, sure we do, but
look, if I were to come over this house
in full bore, I'd break all those windows,
I'd knock all your dishes off the shelves.
All of these lovely neighbors around here.
- Yeah, well, I was just, um,
I was just, it was kind
of a joke. (laughter)
Just didn't really think
you were gonna do it.
I was really making
conversation, uh, shut up please.
- Hey, I've got a pet peeve
about talking about flying.
- [Servo] Me too.
- And especially when I
really don't even feel like.
- [Servo] Crunch.
(laughter)
- You're right, Johnny,
we shouldn't be talking.
- [Servo] Crunch, crunch,
crackle, crunch, crunch.
- After church, the
folks want to spend the
rest of the day on Lake Arrowhead.
- [Mike] Then there's my virgin classes.
- I just want to say that I
really enjoyed myself tonight.
- [Servo] Well then come on!
- You don't have to walk me to my door.
- [Mike] I have a gun on you.
- [Betty] I hope you'll
ask me out next time.
- [Servo] Oh no.
- He orders in.
- [Servo] I need air support.
Give me air support, I'm going up.
- Good night.
- [Mike] You'll never touch me.
She's got an orthopedic body.
- [Servo] Man, what a great split level.
- [Mike] Oh boy.
- [Servo] Ah!
- Ah.
- We've got an important one today,
so shape up and listen good.
You're going to firing the side
winder missile from the 104.
As you know, the side winder
is attracted to its target
by the infrared heat
given off by that target.
It's meant to fly right up the tail.
- [Servo] Mm, oh smooth.
Yes, up yours.
- [Stevens] But if there
aren't any Migs around
- You're to have a rocket
with flares attached.
- [Servo] Yeah, so firm.
- These flares will be
the heat attraction.
You'll dispatch that rocket first.
- It hurts. (groans)
- You'll let go of the side winder.
- [Servo] Vogue.
- Then watch what happens.
- I think it will go something like this.
- [Servo] Mm, he's aiming
this one at his date's house.
- Sir, nothing happened,
am I gonna get marked down?
(humming)
- [Mike] Oh, perfect.
- [Servo] Long, high one.
- [Mike] Whoa, what are
the odds of that happening?
- [Stevens] Take a good look at it fellas
while it's brand spanking new.
This target is called a dart.
- [Servo] Mm-hmm.
- [Stevens] Another one over 104.
In an hour, it had better by lying on the
floor of Death Valley, so full of holes,
it wouldn't even have salvage
value for matchsticks.
- Take a good steamy look at it, come on!
- Good afternoon, Colonel Hunt.
- Go right ahead, major.
- Yes, sir.
Now I'll be on the tow plane,
so if any of you have any.
- [Mike] Musn't cry.
- Feelings about the way I've treated you
the past few weeks, here's your chance.
- You take it easy on that
squadron commander, I need him.
- Well, you've all had your basic gunnery,
so now you're going to surprise
doing it with a Gatling
gun in a Starfighter.
With its six rotating barrels
pushing out 20 millimeter shells.
- [Mike] Oh, oh my.
- 100 per second,
you're not going to hear
anything but a loud buzz.
- [Mike] Does it say Maj Stevens there?
- Yes, it's his wife.
- After the first few trial bursts,
I want nothing but his
from then on, understand?
- What would it do for your morale
if I told you of all the times
I've been up in these bird,
I never have hit one of those things yet.
- Sir, nothing, sir!
- Colonel, I know all
about your reputation
for not being able to see the target,
and maybe if we painted a swastika on it
you'd tear it loose from
the plane in one burst.
- [Servo] Wow.
- Colonel Hunt here had many kills
and as many probables over France.
It's a standing joke around here
that he's not exactly proficient with
anything that does not shoot back.
- [Servo] So he's dumb.
- [Mike] Doesn't translate well, but.
- From the Victorville
Chamber of Commerce meeting
where I gave 'em my anti communist speech.
- [Mike] Again?
- I want you fellas to get
up there and do right by me
and knock the devil out of that thing.
- [Mike] Well, he's crusty
but extremely unlikable.
- Mostly crusty.
Hey, they strapped the
general onto that one.
- [Servo] Ooh, at least excuse yourself.
- [Mike] Uh-oh, that
wasn't supposed to happen.
(suspenseful instrumental music)
- [Servo] Uh-huh.
- [Mike] Right.
- Wow, they've taken
Jarts to the next level.
(laughing)
- [Mike] Aw, the plane is pregnant.
(baby talk)
- [Servo] Geez, up or
down, you kids, up or down!
- [Mike] Ah yes.
- Ah, the association are back.
Is, are.
Was.
- [Servo] Whatever.
- [Mike] Steve, your head looks
like an egg from back here.
- [Servo] I suppose their last project
before The Ray Conniff Singers broke up.
This is high enough for me,
thank you very much.
- [Mike] (humming) It's catchy.
- [Servo] Oh, Pueblo tapestry,
let's blow the hell out of it!
- This is still better than Iron Eagle.
- [Servo] Cha-cha-cha. (mimics static)
- [Voiceover] Cordite lead, Cordite two.
- [Mike] Cordite two, you're on the air.
What do you think of the
Clinton Administration?
- [Voiceover] Go ahead, two.
- [Voiceover] Lead,
I've got troubles here.
My number two hydraulic
system is dropping rapidly.
- [Servo] Hmm.
- [Voiceover] All right,
let's clear the range,
and I'll get on your wing.
Pick up a heading for the base.
- [Voiceover] Yes, sir.
- [Servo] Well, you can tell
it's a dangerous situation
by the music, tell 'em.
- Yes.
- [Voiceover] Cordite two, any change yet?
- [Voiceover] Negative, gauge
says there's nothing left.
- [Voiceover] Okay, lower your airspeed
to 120 knots and drop your gear.
- Ah, it's a spare.
Good only for 10 miles
at 50 miles per hour.
- [Voiceover] Your gear looks
okay, are you indicating more?
- [Voiceover] No sir, I've
got an unsafe gear indication,
and my number two hydraulic
system reads absolute zero.
- [Mike] What is right with you?
- [Voiceover] Just run your
manual emergency gear release.
- [Servo] Oh, and my tape
deck won't work either.
- [Voiceover] Cordite lead,
still reading unsafe here.
- [Servo] Hmm.
- [Voiceover] Hold, Cordite.
Calling and requesting emergency
for straight in approach.
- Uh, go ahead and kiss your ass goodbye.
- [Voiceover] George tower, Cordite lead.
- [Mike] I'm incapable of love, over.
- Cordite lead, George tower over.
- [Voiceover] George, Cordite lead.
Request emergency landing for 104.
- [Mike] That's trash, oh.
- [Voiceover] Approximately
30 miles north.
Request straight in approach.
My wingman has a
hydraulic utility failure.
Landing gear down but indicating unsafe.
I'm declaring emergency.
- [Servo] And he's crying too.
- Roger, Cordite lead, we'll
clear the pattern for you
to land on runway one
six straight in approach.
- [Voiceover] Cordite check.
- Emergency, emergency.
F-104 hydraulic failure.
Landing from straight in
approach runway one six.
- Oh cheeks, we gotta save baby pants.
(suspenseful music)
- [Servo] It sounds like
a Russian national anthem.
- [Mike] Yeah, they would.
- The turtle called Gabra
is approaching the base.
- [Servo] Whoa.
- [Mike] The hippies got those
when they were done with them.
(laughs)
- A giant hippity hop
is called into action.
- Attention all aircraft,
vicinity George Air Force Base.
We have an emergency landing.
Be clear of George traffic pattern.
I repeat, we have an emergency.
Maintain radio silence.
- [Servo] All this because
a girl wouldn't kiss him.
- [Voiceover] Cordite two, any change yet?
- [Voiceover] Negative,
lead, same indications here.
- [Voiceover] Junior, prepare
that sweat that bird down.
- [Voiceover] I think
I can handle it, major.
I just hope this gear doesn't
fold up when I touch down.
- [Servo] Mm-hmm.
- [Mike] (singing) We
got a great big convoy,
truckin' through the night.
- Oops, uh, sorry, it's just
my seatbelt's in the door.
- [Servo] Doh.
- [Voiceover] John, from here,
all three wheels are down
and appear to be locked tight.
- [Voiceover] Rog.
- [Mike] Hi Dwayne, what's happening?
- [Voiceover] Stay with you, I want you to
make a normal approach in landing.
Emergency equipment is standing by.
- [Servo] (mimics static) Captain,
we're out of Colombia coffee.
(suspenseful music)
- I know I'm supposed to
feel something, but I don't.
- [Servo] Mm-mm, I'm with you.
- [Voiceover] George tower, Cordite lead.
We're five miles out on final.
- Cordite lead, George tower, roger.
Traffic is clear for you to land.
- [Servo] I'm going on break.
- [Mike] (singing) dum-dee-dum-dum.
- This guy gets wigged out
if his floor mats are uneven.
(suspenseful music)
- [Servo] Did they ever consider
that this wasn't riveting?
- [Mike] Boy, the potential
for something to happen
is very high right now.
- You know, it's a, this is
about a lot more than flying.
- [Mike] Yeah, yeah,
it's about landing too.
- [Servo] Oh no not runway
two, we just seal coated it.
(suspenseful music)
- Whoo, I bet he feels a
little silly right now.
- [Mike] Well, that's the moron's problem,
he's got parachutes jammed in his plane.
- [Servo] Oh no wonder.
- Here come the three stooges.
(hums tune)
- [Voiceover] See, John, no sweat.
Let the fire department
put the gear pins in,
and they'll throw the bird back.
- [Mike] Read some of the gauges wrong.
It's different than the other plane.
- This movie just faced us.
- [Servo] Ah, one of the
great anticlimaxes, huh?
(triumphant music)
- [Mike] Uh, one more push.
We can see the head
now, you're doing fine.
- [Servo] John Glenn sings
the great love songs.
- Attention all aircraft,
vicinity George Air Force Base.
Emergency has terminated.
George open for normal traffic.
- [Mike] That was a great scene.
- Hey Stinky, you leave
now, you're out of the band!
- [Mike] That guys got a poster
of Mark Spitz in his locker.
- Who doesn't?
- You were the one they're making
all of that fuss about out there.
Hey, uh, you trying to
grab a satellite, boy?
- Mm-mm, it was a little
harry, but no sweat.
- Well, with all those wagons out there,
somebody must have
worked up a little sweat.
- Well, sorry I disappointed them.
- [Servo] Virginia Slim?
- Somebody's been trying to
get a hold of you all day.
Long distance.
You're supposed to call, um, operator 12,
Washington, D.C.
- Right, thanks Gene.
- Hey, hey, do you have
any influence back there?
(mock laughter)
- Oh, nothing's wrong, Johnny.
We hadn't heard from you for a while,
and we were wondering if
everything's all right out there.
- [Servo] Yeah, is it?
- Oh Dad, everything's okay.
- [Mike] I just hate you.
- Hey, it's great to
hear from ya, how are ya?
- Feelin' tops, Johnny.
- [Mike] I miss Scott Thorson.
- But I was concerned about
not hearing from you for so long.
- Oh I'm sorry, Dad, we've
been so busy here lately,
I guess I've been kind of lax
in writing to you and Mom.
- [Servo] Well, bye.
- How is she?
- Fine as usual, but you know
how she worries about you.
- [Mike] This guy's Uncle Bead. (laughter)
- In all the time that
I was flying years ago,
I couldn't convince her how safe it was.
- And now you're worried
about me, huh Dad?
- [Servo] Okay bye.
- Tell me, how's it going,
Johnny, any troubles?
- Oh, nothing at all to speak of.
We're going through the
typical transition training
that everybody does in these 104s.
- Yes, I imagine you are.
- [Mike] Yes, I imagine so.
- Trouble is, is that, I've
been reading a number of reports
lately that come across my desk
telling me of all sorts of accidents.
- Accidents, what kind?
- Put dad on the line.
- Usual kind.
Engine flame out, things like that.
- [Servo] Drift of the page.
- In the fighters, the
pilot always bails out.
Not like in those big jobs where you
keep flying if you loose one engine.
- Oh, look Dad, I know
what you're driving at,
and the whole thing is silly.
There's been nothing
like that happening here,
and if it did, I'm sure I
could hack any emergency
where we go through these
recommended steps all the time.
- I still wish you'd apply for a transfer,
into a bigger outfit, you know.
- [Mike] Your father
and I are worried, son.
- Those B-58s will be coming
into their own shortly.
- But Dad, it just isn't done that way.
You don't go hopping
around from place to place
because you want to try
out different methods.
- [Mike] Dad.
- Well, you should know how they operate.
- I'm in a position to make
it real easy for you to get
into an operational B-52
wing right away, Johnny.
- I'm sorry, that doesn't
interest me in the least.
- For heaven's sake, boy, I'm interested.
- Come on, Dad.
Look, I'm here to stay, and no one
is going to change my mind.
- [Servo] I got life in me, big daddy.
- Why John, I'm sorry I intruded.
- [Mike] This guy's Maude Frickert.
- Merely thinking of your
future as any fathers
who's interested in his son's vocation.
- Dad, I sure appreciate your calling,
but I just got down from a flight,
and I've got to report
to a debriefing session.
You understand.
- My arms are killing me.
- Right, Dad.
Okay, sure.
And thanks a lot.
- [Servo] For emasculating me.
- So long.
- Yes, so long, John.
- [Mike] I want his family dead.
Oh, that's mean.
- My dad died in the war, who was that?
- [Mike] Just hold me.
- Hey, but you put the bee in my bonnet.
Listen, if I get a hold of Mary, would you
join us at the club tonight?
- Sure, but why didn't you tell me
I was going to be sitting here like a
big bump on a log?
- You're not, Bill, I'm
glad you could be with us.
- [Mike] Just get the
dagger out of my head.
- Betty and Gene will be here in a minute,
and then we'll have a ball.
- Oh boy, then I'll be like a fifth wheel,
but I'll drink to that.
- Okay.
Innkeeper, same all around.
- [Mike] Innkeeper, up yours.
- Fine.
- Hi.
- Hey, here they are!
- Hey, Betty, hi.
- Hey Bill, you're wanted on
the telephone out in the lobby.
- Well, who found me here?
- I don't know, but somebody's
been looking for you all day.
- Don't touch a thing, I'll be right back.
- Can I touch my glass, I was
already touching my glass.
- [Mike] Oh good, I never
get tired of this stunt.
- This is Lieutenant York.
- Uh, say, Bill, this
is, uh, Fred O'Brien.
They've got a late,
short night cross country
flight in an hour.
You and I are the only
ones who need the time,
so I thought I'd check with you
and see if you could take it.
- Me?
- [Servo] George Goober Lindsey.
- Listen, I'm here with
a little party, Fred.
We're just about ready
to sit down and eat.
- Well, I, I've got a date tonight,
and I'd have soon put
this off 'till next week,
but I'm set to go out.
Look, I'll supply the
next week, no charge.
- Whoa, man.
- I'm glad you called to tell me
that you're volunteering, Fred,
because my time is all spoken for.
- [Mike] Oh my face.
- Hold it, hold it, Bill.
Let's be democratic about
this and flip as usual.
- But I've got people
waiting for me inside.
- Aw, come on now, this is SOP.
- [Servo] Sop, sop?
- Are you going to match me?
- (sighs) Rog, go ahead, I'll match you.
- [Mike] Okay Dwayne.
- This is so great,
pilots have so much fun.
- [Voiceover] All right, there's mine.
- What do you got?
- Now you tell me first.
- Oh no no, I was first
last time, remember?
- I've got tails, what's yours?
- Well, um, mine's heads.
- [Servo] It's always heads,
roll some Grants and kill them
to enjoy the Air Force.
- Better luck next time
- Do I really look like
George Goober Lindsey?
- Hey, what's the matter, Bill?
You look like an astronaut
who wasn't selected to get into orbit.
You teed off about something?
- Hells, I get the
wrong end of everything.
Hey!
- [Mike] Ah yes, that provided much needed
comic relief from all the gripping drama.
- Hey, is that Rod Serling?
- [Mike] Uh, no, no cigarettes.
- No, I couldn't go to a double make out
party with my spouse.
- [Mike] Boy, I bet this takes us to
new heights of sensuality, huh.
- How about a little swap?
I'd like shot at Steve back there.
- [Mike] Whoa, he's got
a scorched face policy.
- [Servo] They are positively mashing.
- I'm getting used to this desert country.
- [Servo] Shut up, Iris.
- I may even get to like it
if you stay here long enough.
- [Servo] Shut up I tell ya.
- If, you're not moving, are ya?
- No, the folks like it too much.
(making squeaky noises)
- It's so peaceful out here.
I don't think I'd ever
hurt with this silence.
Listen, hardly a sound.
- [Mike] Is that you?
- Somebody spoke too soon.
There go a couple of Starfighters
off on a night mission.
- [Mike] My God, she's dead.
- Know we're a good 10
miles from the base.
Boy that sound sure
travels out here at night.
- Wish you'd travel a little
closer to me and snuggle up.
(upbeat music)
- Mm.
- Wasn't he Caucasian earlier? (laughter)
- This reminds me about the time at Luke
when the commanding officer
invited a few of his
favorite pilots to ranch cabin.
- [Mike] Remind me.
- Always a very quite secluded
place, away from everything.
No parties, no nightlife, and no women.
- Did you boys enjoy yourselves?
- Who went?
- Oh you.
- [Servo] Some of the hottest snuggling
you'll ever see on the screen.
- [Mike] You may come in now.
Oh you are so the only girl around.
- [Servo] Hey you got some
creamed corn back here.
- Anybody up for Travel Yahtzee?
- [Servo] He turned into VS Naple.
- I think our chaperons
have fallen asleep.
- [Mike] Don't tongue my hair.
- No, we haven't, but if you
don't get us home real soon,
we'll have to unroll our
sleeping bag right here.
- And you wouldn't want us
to do that, now, would you?
- He meant that dirtifully.
(laughs)
- Okay, grandma and grandpa,
but it beats me why you old married folk
like to hit that sac so early.
- [Mike] Well now he
leave himself wide open
for a sexy rejoinder.
- [Servo] The rink will be
closing in five minutes.
- [Mike] (singing) Santa
clause is coming to town.
- [Servo] That was a great scene.
- This will be a
combination of cross country
and refueling mission.
Now, you've all been on
the KC-135 tankers before,
so you know the procedure.
- Plenty of booze and dexy.
- At least taking on 5,000 pounds,
you'll disconnect, and
feature cross country.
- [Mike] You think they
wouldn't need name tags anymore.
- Start engines at.
- [Servo] Uh.
- 1310.
Take off at 1325.
Plan out on course and tuck
in as soon as possible.
We'll be on target at 1410.
- [Mike] Now for my
weekend barbecue forecast.
- Weather over Death Valley is clear
with some high, thin cirrus.
There's a front moving in out of these
lower desert areas, some
squalls and thunder bumpers.
We should be able to
avoid those on our return.
- They're doing Hangman.
- Last man should get back to base by
1600 at the very latest, any questions?
- [Servo] Where do we buy our books?
- Fine, let's get out there and crank up.
- [Servo] The Air Force recommends crank,
Blue Heavens, Yellow Jackets.
- Ah!
- [Servo] I think we're at the point
where something's got to happen.
- [Mike] They did the
runway in Spanish tile.
- Good grouting.
- [Mike] Leave no grout.
- Yes.
- [Mike] Uh, taxiing over the beginning of
run for your life.
- They're gonna taxi into town
and impress the chicks.
- [Servo] wooh-hoo.
- [Mike] Well, I'm
guessing they're going to
gratefully acknowledge the cooperation
of the United States Air Force
at the end of this movie..
- Launch!
- [Servo] Look out, me first.
- [Mike] No, me first.
(talking at once)
- Hi Jerry's fam.
- [Servo] We had some people think
it's just a civil war, we
shouldn't get involved.
Crazy.
(suspenseful music)
- You asked for more refueling,
and we're getting it to you.
- [Mike] Yes, I'm at a loss now.
We've done promiscuity entends.
- [Servo] Check.
- Uh, cuddling on the afterglow?
- [Servo] Check.
- [Mike] Uh, multiple partner illusion.
- [Servo] Got it.
- Uh, premature ejaculation innuendo?
- [Servo] Yup.
- [Mike] Gas station jokes.
- [Servo] In here.
- Impotence.
- [Servo] Oh yeah.
- [Mike] Uh, one night stand stuff.
- [Servo] All covered.
- [Mike] Okay, let's just watch then.
- [Servo] Oh, refueling is a beautiful
natural thing that's nothing to mock.
- [Mike] Okay, you're right.
- Ha, he accidentally started siphoning
from a northwest flight.
(laughter)
- [Servo] Ah, mother's milk.
- [Mike] Remember the
world before this film,
before refueling?
- There was sunshine and laughter.
- [Servo] Bunnies and kittens.
- [Mike] We seemed to laugh more then.
- [Servo] Yes.
- [Mike] Well, if the civil
war comes down to refueling,
we'll win.
- Thank God we're not
blowin' our money on welfare.
- [Mike] It would have been so much easier
if you would have just brought a jerrycan.
- [Servo] At home, at the
office, or in the plane,
the lite FM.
- And Audrey Meadow!
- [Mike] No, I read the
screenplay, it's two pages.
- [Servo] Makes you
wonder about the scenes
they didn't use.
- The cutting room floor
was remarkably clean.
- [Servo] (singing) You and
I refueled by moonlight.
Fuel like sparkling Champagne.
- [Mike] I don't know
where you end and I begin.
- No man, no.
You can't cut me off, just 4,000
more pounds, and I'll quit.
- [Servo] Ooh, a junkie
joke, it's a musical.
Ooh.
- Thanks a lot, Sarge.
- [Mike] He's not ugly enough
to be in the Air Force.
- Wing ops to wing commander.
- You're supposed to bring home milk.
- Go ahead, ops.
- We have a sever weather warning, sir.
That front turned
northeast, picked up speed
after it left Mexico.
They've reported thunderstorms,
high winds, extreme turbulence,
and maximum cloud tops to 45,000 feet.
- [Mike] There, you old.
- [Voiceover] Are we clear?
- [Mike] I don't know.
- The base is, sir,
but we have that flight of four birds
on a refueling mission.
- [Servo] Birds?
Look at the birdies.
- Front is moving so fast,
that it might cut them off from us
before they have a chance to realize it.
- [Voiceover] Who's out?
- Major Stevens, Lieutenants York,
Lyons, and Witkowski.
- [Mike] Stevens?
- All from the 578th.
- [Voiceover] They know what to do,
and they have sufficient fuel
to find an alternate
in case they get stuck.
Keep me informed as they come in.
- [Servo] This movie has
severe contraindications.
- [Voiceover] George
tower, this is Cordite one.
Request landing information, over.
- Cordite one, George tower,
land runway one six,
winds 170 at 20 knotts
gusting to 30, call on downwind with gear.
- Remember FDIC.
- [Servo] Hey.
- Wing ops to wing commander.
- Go ahead, ops.
- Major Stevens just
called in for a landing.
He's on the pattern now.
- [Voiceover] Stevens already?
He takes on fuel last.
He's supposed to be the last one in.
I'll be right out there.
- [Servo] Oh boy.
- [Mike] I had to go potty, I'm sorry.
- What are you doing in so early
without the rest of your troops?
- Well, it was getting
so sloppy out there,
I cut my cross country short.
- Apparently no one else did.
You're the only one back.
- [Servo] Shut up.
- I wasn't going to set
her down in some alternate
when I knew I could get in here easily.
- Sure, but why didn't your flight do it?
- Colonel, we both know they can put in to
Nellis, Marks, Luke.
- [Servo] Joshua, Judges.
- Half a dozen other places
I gave them during briefing.
That's exactly what
they're supposed to do.
I can find out what's going on
a lot easier from here
in case we get socked in.
- We won't, it'll stay clear here.
- [Mike] Ah.
- Let's talk refueling.
(ringing)
- [Servo] Even their phones are sunburnt.
- [Voiceover] Tower just received a report
from the San Bernardino
County sheriff's office.
- [Servo] Huh, huh?
- [Voiceover] A local rancher observed
a jet fighter go down.
- [Servo] Who is this?
What do you want, leave me alone!
- [Voiceover] Location
was the Granite Mountains.
and east of Apple Valley.
- [Mike] Aw.
- Steve-o to the rescue!
- [Mike] It's Budgie, the helicopter.
- [Servo] And they're off to the rescue
in a highly dangerous prototype.
- How do it work?
- [Servo] They go round and round.
- (goofy laughter) Cool.
- [Mike] Ooh, the suites.
- Uh, we're going to go
higher than this, aren't we?
(mimics propellers)
- Oh, Shirley Muldowney just went by.
- I'm going to get the weather.
- [Mike] Hi, it's me.
- Tower, this is Major Stevens
in the wing commander's office.
What buzzed us just now?
- That was a 104 with
his gear down, major.
We didn't get any call from him,
so I assume he has an electrical failure.
He's turning on his final approach now.
(muffled talk)
- [Servo] Oh, once again the film
takes us in a new direction.
- What's the aircraft's number?
- It's a tough to tick him out, sir.
- [Voiceover] Standby one, sir.
- [Servo] Oh, is that real?
- [Mike] I'm bettin' ya.
- Sir, that was niner two
six that just touched.
- Okay.
- [Mike] Lunch today,
tomato soup, tater tots.
- Squadron ops in wing commander's office.
Who was up in 926?
- Hmm?
Do we have to leave now?
- [Mike] Yeah.
- [Crow] Getting into it.
- [Mike] Miss it.
- Sir?
- Come on!
- 926 was taken up by Lieutenant York.
(slamming and beeping)
- Welcome, my friends.
We are very fortunate
to have with us today
the The United Servo Academy Men's Chorus,
directed by United Servo
Academy Men's choral director,
Vice Brigadiere Sir Thomas Bowlhead Servo,
conducting them in the United
Servo Academy Men's Chorus,
uh, hymn.
- [Servo] All right, eyes front.
Three, and.
♫ Here's to the guys and
♫ Gals who like to fly
♫ Flying so high with some
♫ Guy in the sky
♫ Sky rockets in flight
♫ Afternoon delight happen high
♫ At your service
♫ Would you like to fly
♫ In my beautiful balloon
♫ Take these broken wings
♫ And learn to fly me to the moon
♫ Sail on a silver bird
♫ Have you ever heard
that the bird is the word
♫ In a big country
♫ Dreams stay with you
♫ Come along with me, Lucille,
♫ In my merry Oldsmobile
♫ We are kids for saving earth
♫ We are fans of Colin Firth
♫ Off we go to yonder blue
♫ We really move our tails for you
♫ 'Cross the wide Missouri ♫
- Ah.
Ah, fantastic, absolutely fantastic.
That was the United Servo
Academy Men's Chorus,
and that sonorous tone
that you heard, of course,
has to be due in large part to the
fantastic conducting, what are
you doing? (chorus singing)
What are you doing?
Please, stop that music, please.
Please do not, do not continue this,
Vice Brigadiere Sir Thomas Bowlhead.
I employ you stop the music!
Stop, I say, stop the music!
Uh, Sylvester, can we get
an engineer in here, please,
in studio A, I apologize,
ladies and gentlemen.
I want you out of my studio.
Stop this music right now.
Out, out!
Rows, rows!
- [Servo] (singing)
Rinky dinky parlez-vous.
- Weather says it's
stirring up east of us.
Storm was fast and
vicious but not too thick.
- Those choppers should get in there then.
(propellers)
- It's a smooth, smooth ride
thanks to the counter-rotating props.
(laughter)
Something's following us.
- [Servo] Ee-gah.
- [Crow] Look out for snakes.
- [Servo] Are they on a man hunt
for Juan Del Dez or somethin'?
- It's still following us.
- Now, keep us informed
if they call in at all,
and how about checking with
some of those alternates
to see if they radioed in there.
- [Mike] Okay.
- And tell Lieutenant
York I want to see him
in Colonel Hunt's office immediately.
- [Mike] He has a cab forward skull.
- Still no word from rescue.
(ringing)
Colonel Hunt's office.
- Yes, well, I'd love to
see you again too, well, uh.
- Well, (stammers) yes, just a moment.
- It's Mom, and she's mad.
- Here's one for the books.
Congressman Witkowski is on the line.
- What!
How could he know?
(gulp)
Tell him I'm in a conference
with the general or,
ah, I better take it.
It's a hell of a way to run a railroad.
- [Mike] God, my face is big.
- Colonel Hunt here.
- Hello, Colonel Hunt.
- [Servo] Ah.
- This is John Witkowski.
We haven't talked together
for a few months now,
so I was calling to get
some information from you.
- What's your hat size?
- It's nice to hear from you again, but I.
- Sorry I seem like a pest, Colonel, but.
- [Mike] Yeah.
- You remember how when we were in,
we didn't always write home
as much as we should have.
- [Mike] Look, you ran a bakery.
- My boy, John, is guilty of
doing the same thing, so I thought.
- Congressman, I'm still in there service,
and I agree, I don't write
home too much anymore either.
- Well, I was only wondering
how the boy was doing
there in training and all that.
- Sir, as far as I know,
you're boy is doing
as well as could be expected,
but right now, I must
be brief and hang up.
We're having an important
exercise here at the base,
and I need the lines for
communication purposes.
- [Voiceover] Wing ops.
- [Servo] Groin patrol.
- Go ahead, ops.
- The helicopter pilots find the plane.
It's a 104, sir.
- [Servo] Ah.
- They came across it
in a pretty rugged area.
- Ooh, yeah.
- They found the pilot had ejected.
They're looking for the chute now.
- What was the number of the down plane?
- [Mike] Uh, four.
- [Voiceover] I don't know,
sir, they didn't give it to us.
- Well, contact them,
get the number, quick.
- [Hunt] Sorry to be blunt, congressman,
but I have to cut this conversation short
so to keep all of our lines clear.
I'll see to it that your son calls you.
- [Mike] My, that was blunt.
- (knocking) [Stevens] Come in!
- [Servo] Found him, he was under
a pile of blankets in my room.
- So what happened to you?
- Both of my generators went out, sir,
and I couldn't get them back on the line.
- I mean with that front moving in on you,
what did you do?
- Well, actually it wasn't
too bad where I was, sir.
I flew around easterly end of it,
(poking sound effect)
and came up from behind.
- Do you realize Lyons and Witkowski
haven't checked in yet?
- Yes sir.
- [Mike] And I don't care.
- Although I did hear someone on the radio
say that they were going
to try to land at Nellis
instead of making it back here.
I didn't recognize the
voice or call sign though.
- [Voiceover] Wing ops to wing commander.
- [Hunt] Yeah, ops, any news for us?
- Rescue says that was 929 that crashed.
- [Hunt] Okay.
(ringing)
- [Servo] (laughs)
Rampant phone call action.
- Major, uh, flight
services just now called
to say that one of our
birds landed up in Nellis
a half an hour ago.
Said out by approaching front.
- [Servo] His chin must hurt.
- Yes sir, they got it so bad up there,
right now, he's staying on the ground.
Pilot's John Witkowski.
- Witkowski's safe at Nellis?
O'Brien, look at the scheduling port.
Did Lyons take up 929?
- 929?
- Ooh, Steve got doughnuts.
- Yes sir, that's assigned to Lyons.
- [Servo] She's rather obliging.
- Lieutenant Lyons is out there.
- [Mike] Roar, I'm king of the desert.
(humming)
- [Servo] Listen, he
must be the chosen one.
- It's called a North Star system.
(humming)
- [Mike] Capricorn one.
(humming)
- I'll signal them with my deodorant.
- [Mike] This stuff really
attracts helicopters.
(humming)
- [Servo] Oh.
Ah, hey look, it's a Fridays.
- Are the other armed services
as easy listening as the Air Force?
- [Mike] We have a visual ID on numbnuts.
(upbeat jazz)
- [Servo] Ah, it's a lush cocktail rescue.
(humming)
- [Mike] Ah yes.
Oh, it was pretty rough, man.
I had to eat a lizard and drink my urine.
- [Servo] But you were
only here for 10 minutes.
- [Mike] I know, but.
- Congratulations, you're the
recipient of today's lucky rescue.
- [Mike] I did things I'm not proud of.
- [Servo] (singing)
The day you rescued me.
Now, back to the club
for a smooth Canadian.
- [Mike] Is that how that goes?
- Found one.
(stammering)
- [Servo] Oh, it's that
counter-rotating plane!
I don't want to ride in this!
- At ease, Lieutenant Looser.
(humming)
- [Mike] Later, in large group econ.
- All right, you 104 drivers, settle down,
and listen to something important.
- [Servo] Jerry Van Dyke
has something to say.
- Thank you, major.
Well, that was some to do we
had around here yesterday,
so I'll get right to the point.
- I'm Scatman Crothers.
- Two of you did the right thing,
and one of you goofed up royally.
- [Servo] Jacques.
- So, we lost one badly needed aircraft.
Now, when you're in that high fast seat,
when you get your head up
where it doesn't belong,
you're going to find out
you're going to end up
with a short end of the stick.
- [Mike] Dickweed,
stand up and take a bow.
- Investigation board
will submit its findings
in a day so, so we'll
let it drop until then.
- [Servo] Then we'll kill ya.
- But I have some information
you've been waiting to hear.
- Marilu Henner is replacing Vicky.
- And your entire fire squadron, the 578,
deploy for Europe. (cheering)
- [Mike] Nice.
- [Servo] Class, class!
Shut up!
- Okay, okay, knock it off.
- [Servo] Thank you.
- You don't have to act as though
you didn't know it was coming.
- [Mike] Aw, eat it raw.
- 'Course we have a lot of
polishing up to do for the ORI,
and a lot of good old fashioned
paperwork to complete.
- [Mike] You're not funny.
- Since we'll be flying
our own Starfighters
over the wire,
you're going to have to check
out your rescue equipment.
- Check out this.
- Now, a very important piece
of that rescue equipment
is what we call a.
Sargent, would you step
up here for a moment?
- [Servo] The name's
Randy in the latest gear.
- [Stevens] Sargent here
is dressed in what is known
as a poopie suit.
- [All] Poopie suit?
- [Voiceover] Now, don't ask
me why they call it that,
but you'll be wearing one
of these on your way across.
- [Mike] Ew.
- [Stevens] So next Saturday,
you're going to get a chance
to check them and make
sure there aren't any.
- [Mike] Woo-hoo!
(catcalling)
(humming)
- Okay, you jocks, let's find out
why you didn't join the navy.
Last one in's a Gooney bird.
(mock laughing)
- [Mike] Oh why do they
get the ducky, sir?
(humming)
- [All] (sing) Poopie suit.
(humming)
- [All] (sing) Poopie suit.
(humming)
- All right, men, poop!
- [Servo And Mike] (sing) Poopie suit.
(humming)
- [servo And Mike] (sing) Poopie suit.
(silly noises)
- [Servo And Mike] (sing) Poopie suit.
(silly noises)
- [Servo] (singing) You
poop it in your pants,
and you do a crazy pants,
it's a two piece suit.
- [Mike] (sings) Poopie suit.
(upbeat music)
- Colonel Hunt, telephone, sir.
- You mean they traced me here?
- You can take it on the inside extension.
- Okay, what is it?
- Aw, it's poopie suit day.
- You're a hard man to
locate, Colonel Hunt.
- [Mike] Oh geez.
- This is John Witkowski.
- Oh, right, sir, and how
are you again, congressman?
- I'm fine here.
- [Mike] Over there, not so good.
- Just now received information
through my committee
that you had an unfortunate loss
for another plane out there,
that my son was involved
in the same flight.
- Mr. Witkowski, we did
not loose another plane.
- [Servo] We misplaced it.
- That was the only one this past year.
- [Mike] Oh wait, except for those six.
- The wisest one on the flight
since he chose to land rather
than fight his way through.
- Just the same, Colonel,
when we were flying together,
you know as well as I do
that drastic action was
taken on such occasion.
- But we didn't have the poopie suit!
- Recall that we ever did fly together.
Furthermore, the proper
and prescribed action
was taken in the case immediately.
- Colonel Hunt, will you please inform me
as to why you are so stubborn
and will not consider
a transfer for my son?
- Why congressman, I wanted
to tell you about that.
As a matter of fact, we are
effecting a transfer for your boy.
- You what?
Wonderful, wonderful.
- [Mike] (singing) It's
wonderful, wonderful.
- When did all this happen?
- Only a couple weeks ago.
As a matter of fact, they're giving them a
sort of going away party right now.
- [Mike] His face is being eaten away.
- I'm sure he can give you
the good news by himself
since you're on the line.
You hold on, I'll get him for you.
- Yes, sure.
- I was in a holding ring.
They kept pushing me under. (mock sobbing)
(mimics electricity buzz)
- Hi Dad.
- Johnny, how goes it?
- Just great, Dad.
- Bye!
- Did the CO tell you the news?
- Yes, yes, he told me
you're being transferred,
but he didn't brief me in
on it, I think it's great.
- [Mike] Yes, yes.
- Which big outfit are you getting into?
- No, none, Dad.
Our entire squadron is
being transferred to Europe
to replace the squadron that's returning.
- [Mike] Doh.
- But I'll give you
and Mom all the details
in the letter, okay?
I promise you.
Dad.
- He's vapor locked.
- Hey Dad.
- [Servo] Dad, I just really need
your love and support right
now, and (mimics click)
Dad. (mimics click)
- [Mike] Well, I.
- And you mean he didn't say anything,
wasn't even angry or something?
- [Servo] Is he picking mints?
- Nothing he could do about it.
Oh, down deep inside, Dad knows
I made the right decision.
- I think you have too, Johnny.
Flying fighters is important to you,
and you wouldn't be happy
doing anything else,
but I sure hate to see you go.
- Will you miss me?
- Right.
- How often will you write?
- Is every day often enough?
- Well, just about, no less.
- [Servo] Wanna play refueling?
- How long will you be gone, Johnny?
- Four months.
- She'll be showing by then.
- Seems like a long time, doesn't it?
- I'm beginning to miss you already.
- [Mike] But I'm not gone, so.
- Honey I, I was wondering if.
- [Servo] If you heard
how the twins are doing.
- Well, if I could ask you to wait for me.
- [Crow] Right here, under this tree.
- I was hoping you'd ask me that.
- [Mike] I'll wait with
your best friend, Steve.
- [Voiceover] Honey, I really love you.
- [Servo] I love the crunch of your hair.
- [Mary] I love you too, Johnny.
- Zip!
- [Crow] Oh I get it, yeah!
- [Servo] Whoa!
All right.
- King Friday has arrived.
- [Mike] I'm such an expressive puppet.
(laughs)
- [Servo] I must say I fall
in love with all my recruits.
- I'll just circle back
and hit on his girlfriend.
- [Servo] Ow, ow, ow, ouch.
Oh, it's a poopie hat.
- I, I'm sure it's all right.
- [Servo] Don Meredith?
(mock sobbing) So beautiful.
- [Voiceover] George tower, Cordite lead.
Taxi to takeoff information
for 18 104 Saibara.
- Cordite lead, George tower.
Taxi runway one six, altimeter
two niner niner four,
hold short of the active.
- [Servo] Member FDIC.
- Cordite lead, rog.
- And no taking the ladders.
- [Mike] Makes my dewlap proud.
- [Servo] But he needs
his training wheels.
- And to think that at the
beginning of this film,
all these characters were strangers to us.
- [Mike] Now, they're like family.
Do we get frequent flyer
miles for watching this?
- (singing) Flying away in a poopie suits.
- [Servo] (singing) Pushing
a crayon in the rayon.
(humming)
So how much penance does
this movie count for?
Couple years?
- [Mike] Gonna need some of that weird
Europe money when we get there.
- [Servo] (singing)
Don't crap in your hand,
crap in your poopie suit.
You'll feel relieved, feeling your briefs.
- [Mike] (singing) Fill
your pants over France
in your poopie suit.
- (singing) Flying high
in the poo, free to do
number two, poo-poo-pie-doo!
Poo-poo-pie-doo.
- [Mike] Uh, I should test, probably now.
(laughter)
Uh, no, that's quite enough,
thank you, thank you.
- [Servo] (whispers) Splash, splash.
- [Mike] Stop it.
- [Servo] So this must be the
highway to the danger zone.
- You know, it's all kinda dull
until you remember how
sharp those wings are.
- [Servo] Receiving a
bachelor of arts, arts degree.
- [Mike] (mock sobbing) I've
got a lump in my throat.
- I've got a lump in my poopie suit.
- [Mike] Now, cut that out.
- [Servo] Just drop it. (laughs)
- [Mike] Hey.
- I'll eliminate it from my repertoire.
- [Mike] Stop that.
- Let it lie.
- [Voiceover] George tower,
Cordite lead, ready to roll.
- [Voiceover] Cordite lead, George tower,
winds are calm, clear for takeoff.
- [Mike] Just leave please.
- Scat.
(pretend sneezes)
(triumphant band music)
- [Mike] Can we stop in New York for lunch
and then some shopping?
- [Servo] We can't stop
in New York for lunch.
- Goodbye pier one!
- [Servo] So, it seems
like they're leaving.
- [Mike] Well, that
would be the indication
I would get from the kind of thing that.
- [Crow] Yup.
- [Mike] yeah, when we get to Europe,
I'm heading straight to Rula Lenska, over.
- [Servo] I'm gonna get a
London Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt.
- [Mike] So they're leaving then?
- Yeah, yeah, leaving.
And to think that right now,
they're all makin' their own gravy.
- [Mike] Crow, that's it.
- What?
- [Servo] Captain, is
Europe a big country, over.
- [Mike] Uh, captain,
I don't speak Europe.
- It's hard to see them goin'
when you care so much about 'em.
- [Servo] Sir, about Europe,
are we attacking or just going?
- [Mike] I think this is for the best.
Their faces have really
worn out their welcome here.
- So it would be implied
that they're leaving.
- [Mike] They're leaving.
Hope they remembered to arrange
where they were going to meet in Europe.
- Ah.
Right now, they're probably
refueling in their hearts.
- [Mike] I really think there's
more nothing in this movie
than in any movie that we've seen.
- Ah.
- [Servo] Oh, it does
appear that they're leaving.
- Yup, they're leaving.
- [Servo] So basically,
according to themselves,
the Air Force is a bunch of leather-faced,
not so bright, heavy drinking,
dull witted, speed freaks,
who poop in their pants,
and can't make it with women, right?
- [Mike] Uh, yes, that is correct.
- I'm not gonna say, but I think it's it.
(triumphant band music)
(slamming beeping)
- Okay, well, I reformatted my hard drive,
reloaded all my software.
I reconfigured my COM ports,
and I've even checked my
dip switches. (laughs)
Function five, and I'm in!
- Wow!
- Oh, ooh, oh, sweet!
Information superhighway,
what gem bring you me
from the far reaches of cyberspace?
- It says, hi this is Frodo,
you want to play four person boogers.
- Oh.
Sure! (laughs)
- Okay, well, you play your boogers.
We got a letter to read here.
Uh, put the, uh, letter up
on still store there, Cambot.
Uh, this from, um,
oh, it's from Gayle, Laura,
and Clark, and they say,
Dear Mike, Crow, and Tom, last Christmas,
we got this used plastic tree,
so we spray painted it
fuchsia and cobalt blue,
silver and white.
Then, after it was
decorated, quite tastefully
I might add, we were stupefied to realize
that we were without the star,
angel, whatever, for the top of the tree.
Luckily, I realized that Tom,
Tom's face would make for
a wonderful tree topper,
so show that picture there, and.
- [Servo] Wow, that
would be a weird feeling.
- [Mike] Look it, you
got those large fleshy
hands there, that kind
of disturbs me, but.
- Where'd those, heads
a little spooky, but.
- Otherwise, it makes a nice,
so thanks Gayle, Laura, and Clark.
- Thank you, yeah.
- And, oh it looks like Crow's all set
here on the information superhighway.
- Oh you jumped by booger, oh, dah, great!
- Oh.
Frodo logged off, now I gotta go
hawk up a new booger partner.
- Well, hold on, hey
Forrester, what about,
you want to be Crow's boogers partner?
- Oh, no time for boogers.
Frank and I have established direct access
to each other's brains.
Right now, he is kindly sharing with me
some of his own thoughts.
Oh Frank, (laughs) oh
well thank you very much.
I didn't think anyone could
think that, oh, think that one again.
There you go!
Come on now.
Come on, take that a bit further.
Yes, good, excellent, Frank, yes!
Think it hard, think it,
yes, good, yes, Frank, yes!
Yes! (laughs)
Well, fun's fun.
Right now, I'm going to think Frank to
push the button.
- Oh, okay.
Okay.
- Well, push it!
Whoa!
(slow electronic brass music)
- Oh, gees!