Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 7, Episode 13 - The Sinister Urge - full transcript

♪ In the
not-too-distant future ♪

♪ Way down in Deep 13

♪ Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank

♪ Were hatching an evil scheme

♪ They hired a temp
by the name of Mike ♪

♪ Just a regular Joe
they didn't like ♪

♪ Their experiment
needed a good test case ♪

♪ So they conked
him on the noggin ♪

♪ And they shot him into space

- [Mike] Let me go!

♪ We'll send them
cheesy movies ♪

♪ The worst we can
find [la la la] ♪

♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all ♪

♪ And we'll monitor
his mind [la la la] ♪

♪ Now keep in mind
Mike can't control ♪

♪ Where the movies begin
or end [la la la] ♪

♪ He'll try to keep his sanity

♪ With the help of
his robot friends ♪

♪ Robot roll call

♪ Cambot

♪ Gypsy

♪ Tom Servo

♪ Crow

♪ If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes ♪

♪ And other science
facts [la la la] ♪

♪ Just repeat to yourself
it's just a show ♪

♪ I should really just relax

♪ For Mystery Science
Theater 3000 ♪

[beeping]

[laughing]

- Hi, everyone, welcome
to the Satellite of Love,

where Tom and Crow
have planned something

which is apparently lovely.

- Oh, and darling,
and just so lovely.

- That's right.

Oh, Gypsy!

- We're giving you a shower!

- Huh?

- Oh, look, she's surprised.

Now isn't that just darling?

- Well, I'm not getting
married, and, am I pregnant?

- Oh, Gypsy, every
woman gets a shower,

and it's just so lovely!

- Well, I'm pretty
sure I'm a woman.

- Open that one first,
Mike, it's from me.

Doesn't she look lovely?

- It's pinking shears!

- Oh, thank you!

How very thoughtful, and lovely!

- Oh, those are
just darling, Crow!

Okay, this one's from me.

- And it is pinking shears!

[all gasping]

- Oh, just like mine!

How darling and lovely!

- Well, yeah, Gypsy,
I saw that Crow

got you the same thing,
and that gave me the idea!

[laughing]

- Okay, this one is from Cambot,
and it is pinking shears!

- Oh, I can get pinking!

- Okay, now Tom and Crow
went in on one more for ya.

- Oh, let me guess,
let me guess.

Pinking shears?

- Nope.

Well, I guess it
is, pinking shears.

- Darling and lovely.

- Well, Tom saw them,
and I had to agree.

Just lovely and
darling, aren't they?

[quirky music]

- Well, this has been so nice.

Thank you all so
much, I, uh, well,

thanks, and everything.

- It was so much fun, Gypsy!

You got so much great stuff.

- Didn't she?

- I really hope you like
the pinking shears, Gypsy.

I saw those in a catalog
and I just thought Gypsy.

- Oh, Tom, let me wrap up some
of that chicken salad for ya.

- Don't you dare, no no.

I'll explode.

- Girls, the mads are calling.

- [Tom and Crow] Lovely!

- Oh, sorry, didn't
know you had company.

Say, Mike, you haven't seen
Frank around anywhere, have you?

I've looked everywhere,
he didn't leave a note.

The car keys are still here.

He didn't mention
anything to you, did he?

- No, nothing at all.

Did you try all
the Baskin Robbins?

- Did you try
comic book college?

- Did you try all
the emergency rooms?

They all know him there.

- Yeah.

- In the Line of Fire,
Speed, Blown Away.

Nelson, look!

I was just tidying
up in Frank's room

and I found these ticket
stubs in Frank's pants pocket.

Now I really am worried.

You know how easily
influenced Frank is

by the moving picture.

- Well, I wouldn't
worry about it, Dr. F.

I'm sure he's not serious.

Oh, hey, check it out, Gypsy,

there's another gift here
for you, isn't that lovely?

- It's from Frank!

Listen to this.

"Dear Gypsy, how are you?

"I am fine.

"I am going to bomb the living
bejeesus out of Deep 13.

"Well, it looks like
I'm out of room.

"Best wishes, Frank."

Oh my god, Mike, Tom, Crow!

We've gotta stop him!

Oh, "PS, hope you like
the pinking shears."

Oh, how very thoughtful.

- Well, I wouldn't
worry about it,

I'm sure Frank's not serious.

- He sure is, Mike.

Those are definitely
pinking shears.

- Not about the pinking,
I'm talking about the bomb.

Hey, Dr. F, I think
you should know

about this bomb
threat from Frank.

- I knew it, I knew it!

Just look at what I
found in Frank's closet

behind his Jane West doll.

Dynamite.

Not that I was snooping.

But if I didn't
snoop, I wouldn't know

what was going on
in Frank's life.

All right, Mickey, I've got
it taken care of down here.

Why don't you take in Ed
Wood's The Sinister Urge,

with a short about
personal hygiene.

Watch and learn, stink bombs.

- This one's got good heft.

Well, anyway, call us if you
need us, Clay, all right?

- Well, Gypsy, I think Frank
would be really understanding

if you return his pinking
shears and got something else.

[alarm sounding]
[shouting]

- Oh, great, we've
got movie sign!

[lighthearted orchestral music]

[humming]

- [Mike] Wendell Yeo, the
cleanest man in Boston.

- What, were these
sold door to door?

- [Tom] Join us, join us.

- In the eighth grade.

They want to choose a boy
and a girl from this class

to be in their assembly.

- [Tom] Who wants
to be sacrificed?

- All right, put
your hands down.

They'll have to choose.

- [Mike] The eighth-graders
cull the herd.

- [Narrator] Whomever
John and Arlene choose,

you can be sure of one thing.

It won't be anyone who
isn't clean and neat.

- [Crow] They'll sniff everyone.

- [Narrator] Looking clean
and neat is something

everyone is expected to do,
and for a very good reason.

- [Tom] Here's the
shrooms, Billy.

- [Narrator] It's
important to your health,

and to the health
of those around you.

Don may feel that he
looks neat enough.

- But Don's wrong.

- [Narrator] But let's go
back to the start of the day

and see what we can do.

There you are, Don, back
in bed this morning.

- Now, a giant cockroach.

- [Narrator] First of all,
form the habit of getting up

in plenty of time.

- [Tom] To sober up.

- [Narrator] Keeping
clean and neat is a matter

of forming good habits and
letting them work for you.

- [Mike] Oh man, what the
hell did I do last night?

- [Narrator] Now, don't stall.

If you lie in bed so long
that you have to rush,

how can you expect
to be neat and clean?

- Lay off, you're
suffocating me!

[humming "Psycho" theme]

- [Tom] Psycho.

- [Narrator] Or in winter,
when you're hot and sweaty,

every other day will do.

Make it a shower or a
tub, whichever you like,

morning or night.

It doesn't matter, just so
you keep yourself clean.

- [Mike] Use a
Brillo pad and Comet.

- [Narrator] Remember your ears.

They need a soapy washcloth.

- Kerosene and a match
gets rid of the ear mites.

- [Narrator] When
you wash your feet,

be sure to get between your toes

and the bottom of your feet.

- [Tom] But you'll never
be able to scrub away

the stain on your soul.

- [Narrator] And keep a
fingernail brush handy

for your nails.

You're not clean if
your fingernails aren't.

- [Mike] You are now officially
obsessive-compulsive.

- [Narrator] Then
rinse all the soap off.

- [Tom] Rinse,
dammit, rinse, rinse!

- [Narrator] Learn to make
good habits work for you

by following the same
order every time.

- So clean yourself
in alphabetical order.

- [Tom] Use pumice on
your tender nipple buds.

- [Narrator] And
here's another habit.

Wash your hair on the
same day each week.

Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday,
whichever day you choose.

- [Mike] Keep a
detailed log, though.

- [Narrator] Use a
good shampoo or soap,

and rub in the lather
with your fingers,

not your fingernails.

- [Mike] Here, let me help you.

- [Narrator] Lather up twice,
with a rinse in between.

- Why couldn't they
have had Mamie Van Doren

star in this thing?

- [Narrator] And after
the second lather,

when your hair is perfectly
clean, rinse again.

Keep rinsing til every
bit of soap is out.

- [Tom] [imitating knocking]
You almost done in there?

What are you doing?

[humming]

- [Narrator] There.

Feels good, doesn't it?

- [Tom] No no no,
don't touch that.

- [Narrator] Give yourself a
good rubdown with the towel

until you're completely dry.

- [Mike] Please remain
seated until the shower

has come to a full
and complete stop.

- [Narrator] Now, before
you brush your hair,

be sure your comb
and brush are clean.

- He's becoming Howard Hughes!

- [Narrator] Wash them the
day you wash your hair.

- [Tom] Have an extensive
filter system installed.

- [Mike] Comb your
Darren Stevens haircut.

- [Narrator] Your teeth--

- [Tom] Comb them too.

- [Narrator] They're clean now.

Brush them again
after breakfast,

so they'll be clean
again til lunch.

- Aha, aha, mad dog, aha!

- [Narrator] Before
you leave the bathroom,

- [Tom] Flush.

- [Narrator] See that it
is neat and clean too.

Towel and wash cloth
hung up to dry.

Cap back on the shampoo.

- [Mike] Dun-dun-dun!

- [Narrator] Bathtub clean.

Basin clean.

- Pick up all the
hairs with a tweezer.

- [Narrator] Yes,
everything is put away.

- [Tom] Now have
the bathroom sealed.

- [Narrator] Now your clothes.

Your underwear should be
just as clean as you are.

- [Mike] Hey, don't
say underwear.

- [Narrator] Clean socks.

But look at those shoes.

- Uh-oh, Dad's vomit.

- [Narrator] What you
need is the shoeshine kit.

- [Mike] There, now
wear this instead.

- [Narrator] You can make one
like this yourself, you know.

- [Tom] But that's a
whole 'nother film.

- [Narrator] That's
better, isn't it?

- [Mike] What the hell is that?

- [Narrator] Be sure the
top is back on the polish.

- Does this kid have
a job interview?

- [Narrator] Uh-oh, that's
no way to treat your clothes.

- [Mike] But that's
how they treat me!

- [Narrator] If they're
clean enough to wear again,

hang them up.

- Or just have your mom do it.

- [Narrator] Fold the
trousers neatly over a hanger.

- [Tom] There, that's it.

Work it now, there ya go.

[chuckling]

- [Mike] It's about three
in the afternoon by now.

- [Narrator] Put the
shirts on hangers, too.

Hang them up in your closet.

Look at that closet!

Before you do another thing,
get busy and straighten it out.

- Ahh!

Shift into another time
dimension, if it helps.

- [Tom] Uh-oh, now your
hands are filthy again.

- [Narrator] Hard
work, isn't it?

But if you learn the
habit of keeping it neat,

you'll never have to go
through anything like this.

- Now, time for bed!

- [Narrator] Now
then, a clean shirt,

and you're ready to
take a look at yourself.

- [Mike] You despise
what you see.

- [Narrator] Hair combed.

- [Tom] Ehhhh!

- [Narrator] Face, ears,
and neck all clean.

- And hot-waxed.

- [Narrator] Cuffs buttoned.

Clean hands.

- [Mike] It's stigmata!

- [Tom] Oh, the things
those hands will do.

- [Narrator] Shirt
buttoned and tucked in.

Belt through all the loops,
trousers buttoned or zipped.

- [Mike] Or not.

- [Narrator] Socks
pulled up, shoes shined,

and shoelaces tied.

- Now to get pantsed and
dragged around the track.

- [Narrator] Not bad.

Not bad at all.

- [Mike] Ew, he's got fangs!

- [Tom] Ahhh!

- [Narrator] Quite
a bit better than

the way you looked in
class this morning.

- [Tom] I'll say.

- You pig.

- [Narrator] Now how
about you, Mildred?

Let's see what habits will
help you keep neat and clean.

- [Tom] Mother Teresa!

- [Narrator] Girls
have to wash their hair

in the afternoon or evening,
so there's time to put it up.

Don't go to bed with wet hair.

- Or a first date.

- [Narrator] Putting up
your hair is something

you have to learn, and
everyone does it differently.

It depends on how you wear it.

♪ Take the ribbon from my hair

You may still need to get
help from your mother on this.

- She's getting ready for
her date with Jerry Seinfeld.

- [Narrator] This is a good
time to trim your fingernails.

Make a habit of doing it
the day you wash your hair.

- [Tom] Every leap year.

- [Narrator] Boys like to
use fingernail clippers,

but girls can shape them
better with an emery board.

- [Mike] Are you supposed
to file open sores

with an emery board?

- [Narrator] And see
that little sore place

where you pulled away the skin?

Next time, ask your
mother to cut it,

and you won't have a
sore place like that.

- Or just amputate that finger.

- [Tom] Wait a
minute, only nine?

- [Narrator] Don't
forget your toenails.

After a bath is a
good time to cut them,

because they're softer then.

- [Mike] Yeah, he knows a
lot about women's toenails.

- [Narrator] Cut
them straight across,

and not rounded
like fingernails.

- Better yet, cut 'em pointy!

Get a pinking shear!

[humming]

- [Narrator] Oh, Mildred,
look at your clothes!

Why, that's as bad as Don was.

- [Tom] Don Was, the producer?

- [Narrator] Things
that are dirty

should go into the laundry.

Things that are clean
enough to wear again

should be folded and put away.

- [Tom] Really.

- [Narrator] Make sure
there are no wrinkles in it

when you fold it.

- What about the fold?

- [Narrator] And
that dresser drawer!

- [Mike] I've
rummaged through it.

- [Narrator] Better straighten
it out this very minute.

- [Tom] Why can't a
woman be more like a man?

- [Mike] In the '50s,
people responded well

to authoritative
disembodied voices.

- Haha, the fun never stops
when you're clean and tidy!

[laughing]

[humming along to the music]

- [Narrator] There.

If you learn the habit
of keeping it neat,

you'll never have to go
through anything like this.

- [Tom] Should I be a
nurse or a housewife?

Hmmmm.

- [Narrator] And now that the
room is neat and you're clean,

isn't it nice to climb into bed?

- [Mike] Unfortunately,
it's time for school.

- [Tom] Goodnight, Neely O'Hara.

- [Narrator] In the morning,
give yourself plenty of time.

- Say, six hours.

- [Narrator] Get a
brush, and be neat.

Be sure your
underthings are clean.

- [Mike] Don't say underthings!

- [Tom] Well, are they?

- [Narrator] Your shoes
should go on over clean socks.

And take a look at your shoes.

Are they as neat
as they should be?

- You know, the narrator should
get back over to Johnny's.

He's probably a mess by now.

- [Narrator] Before
you put on your dress.

- [Mike] Caress!

- [Narrator] It's a good
idea to brush your hair.

Be sure you've
washed your brush.

Don't put a dirty
brush on clean hair.

Brush and brush and brush,
at least 100 strokes.

- [Mike] Just keep
brushing and brushing and

saying the name of
our Lord and Savior.

- [Narrator] There,
look how it shines.

You did get all the soap
out last night, didn't you?

- [Tom] Tail n'
Mane really works.

- [Narrator] And now.

- [Mike] The weather.

- [Narrator] What dress to wear.

Your dress has to be
suited to the occasion.

- Oh, that one's just fine.

Let's go.

- [Mike] What is my
purpose in this world?

- [Narrator] No, that's
a lovely party dress,

but it's too dressy for school.

- [Tom] Don't go tramping
yourself up like that.

- [Narrator] There,
that's more like it.

- Oh, I love that on you!

- [Narrator] But would
another color look better?

As you watch colors, you'll
learn what combinations

look best on you.

- [Mike] Learn to
mistrust your own taste.

- [Narrator] And
now, how do you look?

- [Tom] Kinda parochial.

- [Narrator] You can see
what a big difference

a little extra care can
make in your appearance.

- [Mike] Who am I trying to kid?

I've hit the glass
ceiling of fifth grade.

- [Narrator] Good
appearance helps you

get along with others.

- Remember, people like you
better if you're pretty.

- [Tom] Conform!

- [Narrator] Keeping
clean and neat is,

and for our community.

- And to fight Communism.

- [Narrator] It's simply a
matter of learning good habits

and letting them work for you.

Don't you think you can do it?

- Let's get clean together.

- [Mike] Can I carry your
soap home from school?

- [Tom] And now back to the
drudgery that is your life.

- Thank you, thank
you, thank you.

[quirky music]

- [Mike] Ah!

- [Tom] The scantily-clad prey.

- The Maidenform woman!

You'll never know
where she'll turn up.

[laughing]

- [Mike] And Rosie
Ruiz takes the lead

in the Boston Marathon.

- [Tom] Hey, she's trying
to give someone the slip.

[laughing]
- [Mike] Oh, I love this game.

The sinister urge
is a silly urge.

- [Tom] The sinister
urge is a stupid urge.

- Looks like a pump, feels
like a pump, lemme tell ya.

- [Mike] She must be one of
Senator Packwood's aides.

- [Tom] And she's down to
the pits for a new slip,

she's got the Junior Johnson
pit crew helping her out.

- Oh, help me, help me!

Oh, what a lovely spot.

Help!

- [Mike] She's here for
the Lutheran picnic.

- [Tom] [gasping] Courtney Love!

- This fall on ABC,
Get Courtney Love.

- [Mike] Quickly,
into the TARDIS.

- The what?

- [Mike] TARDIS?

- [Tom] You're not
dealing with AT&T.

- Operator!

Operator!

- [Tom] Get me Sylvia's mother!

- Operator!

Operator!
[phone ringing]

- [Tom] Richard
Diamond, Operator.

- Yeeeees?

- [Tom] No, Jesus
isn't on the line.

- Where?

Yeah, yeah, hold on a minute.

Kline!

- Kline!
- Kline!

[cheering]

- That's my favorite character!

- Get all this information.

- Yes, sir.

- Then get a squad
car ready right away.

[laughing]

- [Mike] You don't direct Kline,

you just get out of the way.

- You just stay right where
you are. We're on our way.

- Where are you, by
the way, damn, oh.

- [Tom] Great, a murder
on a Friday afternoon.

- Randy, we're going out.

- [Mike] Wow, he's
got a huge precinct.

- Let's see here, spectacles,
testicles, wallet, and watch.

- What's up, Matt?
- [Tom] I was waiting for you!

- Found another girl.

- Where?

- Same place, the park.

- Oh no.

- [Mike] Another girl, huh?

Is she pretty?

Does she have a friend?

- [Tom] She's dead.

- [Mike] Oh.

- [imitating thumping] Oh,
I ran into the prop wall!

- [Tom] I hope they don't
pick up the pace too much,

this movie's relentless!

- [Mike] Hey, the car turned
from a Ford into a Plymouth.

That'll happen.

- It was just down the
street, they could've walked.

- [Tom] Kline, this
is a great spot!

And there's nobody here.

Excuse me, miss, this
is our camping spot.

- [Mike] Yeah, Windsong.

I'd know it anywhere.

- Oh, not talking, eh?

- [Mike] Luckily she didn't
roll all the way into the water,

so they can play her from here.

- Just like the others.

- [Tom] Dead.

- Pretty kid, too.

- Yeah, she doesn't look
much like a kid now.

- Maybe she grew up during
that moment of truth.

- [Mike] Zing.

- As she died.

- Same MO, killed the same
way, the same everything.

- With one great difference.

- What's that?

- Her name will be different.

- Yeah.

I'll give you 50 to one
this girl will connect

with that smut
picture racket, too.

- Hey, I'll take some of that.

- Say, this park's
filling up fast.

You better get something
to cover her up

before the crowd gets here.

- [Mike] Kline,
don't touch that.

Don't take off your clothes.

Kline, what are you doing?

- The blonde on the end,
change with the middle girl.

- Oh man, Skavola's
tough to work with.

- [Tom] It's Bizarre
with John Byner!

Only better.

- Put that over here.

And you, Paul, bring
the other light here.

It's fine, you girls
remain where you are.

- [Mike] He's the
kindly old pornographer.

♪ Kindly old pornographer

- Behind the scenes at
Easy Rider magazine.

Not that I'd know.

- [Mike] This is
Edward R. Murrow,

Person to Person
with Irving Klaw.

- [Tom] Toledo's ready
to go in the bullpen.

- [Mike] I don't like
the direction the
New Yorker's taking

under Tina Brown.

- Hiya, Johnny.

- [Tom] I salute you
with my cigarette.

- You girls take your
rest for a minute.

- [Mike] [groaning] Hey,
Hank, rough one today, huh?

- [Tom] Yeah, no kidding, Steve.

God, my boobs hurt.

- [Mike] Yeah, you been working
out lately? You look good.

- [Tom] Thanks.

- Well.

- It's because you don't
have the right body.

- I'll tell ya.

I think I can finish this
up in a couple of hours.

And I can load the stuff and
get out of here by tonight.

- [Mike] That's a human
beanbag chair, ugh.

- If that's the way
she wants it, Jaffe.

And she's the boss.

- I understand.

I'll get a couple of boys
to load it on the truck,

just as soon as I
finish this shot here.

- How much film do you
suppose is in there?

- [Tom] Film?

- Just about all of
the product she's got.

- That's a lot of film.

- Gloria's got big business.

- Yeah.

- I'll stand now.

There.

- So she has.

Well, you take care
of that for me, Jaffe.

See you later.

- [Mike] Charlie
Weaver, pornographer.

- Come on, I'm not paying
you for sitting around.

- [Tom] Help me up, Steve.

♪ Gigantress

- You two take over here.

Like you were.

- [Mike] So one day he went
to a pornographer's convention

and he found out some of them
were making the women undress.

- [gasping] No!

- [Tom] This is the hottest
Petticoat Junction ever.

- Girls of the East Bloc.

- Yes, sir, Mr. Jaffe.

- Bring me my chair.

- He's the best chair
guy in the business.

[whistling]

- [Mike] They call this
the triple Eve Arden.

- Here we are, everybody,
this is a raid.

- Stolen Oriental art.

Grab it, Hal.

- [Tom] You're going to be
in my film, is that okay?

- If they raided these guys,

think of the arrests they
could make at the beach.

- [Mike] Whoa, whoa,
hit a wormhole there.

[laughing]
- You must have been tipped.

- Well, if we were,
it was a good one.

We thought Johnny
Ryde would be here.

- Johnny who?

- Don't stall us, buster.

- I don't know any Johnny Ryde.

- You wouldn't lie to
me, would you, Jaffe?

- You know me,
Lieutenant Carson.

I wouldn't lie to you.

- Not unless you thought
you'd get away with it.

- Who is this Johnny Ryde?

- Oh, skip it.

Give me the keys
to the storeroom.

- What storeroom?

- All right, boys,
break down the door.

- Oh, no, no, it's not
in there, it's over here.

- [Tom] That's great, huh?

- Here's the keys.

- [Mike] This is kind
of a stretch for him,

'cause usually he plays elves.

- All right, take
them out to the wagon.

[imitating monkeys]

- [Mike] Good thing she's
bringing her sheer coverup.

- [Tom] [gasping] Aunt Nora!

- How 'bout that?

[whistling]

- Boy, looks like we hit
the jackpot this time.

- Ed Wood looks
great in pantyhose.

[dramatic music]

- [Mike] Ah, it's Erich
von Stroheim's Greed.

- [Tom] Ah.

- [Mike] Hmmm.

- [Tom] Hear this.

Ed Wood agonized
over this scene.

- And now we are.

[chuckling]

- [Mike] Hmmm.

- [Tom] Beautiful.

- This is why Ed
Wood gets final cut.

- [Mike] Oh, he's
tallying up last night's

Scattergories scores.

I know I won, dammit.

- Smut.
- [Tom] That's what I love.

- Rotten smut.

- You were expecting
dancing girls, Inspector?

- This is no laughing matter.

- I'm sorry, it
was in bad taste.

- Look, I want action on this
thing, and I want it quick.

- I've got my whole department
working around the clock.

- [Mike] Well, just Kline.

- You'll have more
help to call on.

I announced to the early papers

I'm making more men
available to you.

Now, Matt, this smut picture
racket has got to be stopped,

and the murders caused
directly by this filth

has to be stopped.

- [Tom] Oh, you want smut?

I'll show you smut.

[clanging]

- What was that?
- What's going on?

- What the heck was that?
- Geez.

[beeping]

[coughing]

- What happened?

- Some sort of an explosion.

Doesn't seem to be
much damage, though.

- It looks like a bomb
was sent up the Umbilicus.

You don't think that--

[phone ringing]

- Since when did
we get a pay phone?

- Oh, you know, I
had that put in.

There have been a lot of
personal calls lately.

I'm not naming any names.

- Shut your pie hole, Crow,

we've got bigger
things to worry about.

- Hello?

- [Frank] Hello, Nelson.

Did I catch you at a bad time?

I've heard about your
explosive temper.

[laughing]

Did you get the little
present I sent up?

It's just a little preview
of what I'm going to do

to Deep 13.

- Frank, you stop your
terrorist activities right now.

- [Frank] Tisk tisk, Nelson.

That's not how the
game is played.

You forgot it is I
who make the rules.

You know, Nelson, you and
I are quite alike, really.

- Oh, Frank, would you put
Dr. Forrester on, please?

- Dr. Forrester?

Oh, he can't come to
the phone right now.

He's a little tied
up at the moment.

[laughing]

Now now, behave, Doctor.

I must say, Forrester,
you really are quite
a piece of work.

- Frank, if you don't cut
it out, I'm gonna kill you.

- No, Dr. Forrester, it is
you who are going to kill me.

[laughing]

You're stuck here!

- Frank, you're going to
blow up Deep 13, aren't you.

Could I use the
phone for just a sec?

- Dr. Forrester, I must say,
you are a worthy adversary.

Here, take the phone.

Have a nice chat.

Then, you will die.

- Oh, thank you.

Mike, Crow, Servo.

How are you doing?

- [Mike] Well, we're fine,
Dr. Forrester, how are you?

- Oh, I'm fine, fine.

Say, uh, could you do me just
the teensiest little favor?

- [Mike] Sure, what is it?

- [Forrester] Help!

- Wow.

- Well, huh, what
about that, huh?

Dr. Forrester's
asking for our help.

- Well, if Frank goes
through with his plan,

that means no more
mad scientist.

- Which means no more
evil experiments.

- Which means no more Deep 13.

- Which means no way can we
ever, ever get down to Earth.

- Which eventually means
no more Satellite of Love.

- Which means no more--

[groaning]

- We've got to help Dr.
Forrester save Deep 13!

[groaning]

[quirky music]

- Whoa.
- We're in trouble, huh?

- [Mike] Yeah.

At least this movie, anyway.

- Well, so what
have we really got?

- Let's rest for a while.

- Well, just about every
foot of film they had.

- And we're no closer
to Gloria Henderson

and Johnny Ryde than
we were this morning.

[grumbling]

If Victor wants action,

let's bring this
Gloria Henderson in.

We know she's the one behind
this smut picture racket.

- Knowing it and proving it
are two different things.

- All right, we also
know Jake's Pizza Joint

is one of the smut
picture passers.

- Drink just to
smooth out the bumps.

- Jake is another
little splatter of mud

in the big operation.

- [Tom] It's a raid!

- We traced the
second murdered girl.

She was one of his waitresses.

- That proves nothing
except she worked there.

[imitating car
accident and explosion]

Gotta have real cause
to bring him in.

Something that'll put
him away for a long time

and lead us to the more
important higher-ups.

- You know what Clauson said?

- Oh, Clauson said
a lot of things.

- You've got to admit,
he's the best informer

we've had on this thing.

- Yeah, and I think he's
working for them, too.

- Hiding behind us?

- Sure, he informs
on them thinking

we'll look the other way.

- Um, don't we?

- But he put us on to
that raid this morning.

- Which leads me to believe
he has a grudge against them.

- [Tom] [beeping] Telegraph!

Someone's coming in!

- [Mike] You think so?

- [Tom] Mm-hmm.

- I dunno.

- But right now he's
more important to us

than that little ice cream shop.

- [All] Kline!

[cheering]

- Fella by the name of Romaine
outside, wants to see you.

- All right, send him in.

- Who's he?
- [chuckling] Kline.

- We'll both know in a minute.

- Oh goody, this guy!

- Yes, sir, this
is Sergeant Stone.

- How do you do?

- I'm not wearing undies.

- I suppose you're
wondering why I'm here.

- Well, uh, why
don't we sit down?

- No thank you.

- What can we do for
you, Mr. Romaine?

- [Tom] Make me a salad!

- I own a small business
a short way from here.

Now, with the taxes
on that business

getting higher and higher
every day, and add to that

every kind of tax
you could think of.

- [Mike] Hey, hey,
watch it, pal!

- It comes to a
pretty high figure.

Now, my tax money
pays your salaries.

- [Tom] This is ruining
my sitting-down time.

- Yeah, I guess it does.

- Well, I'm glad to see that
you realize that, gentlemen.

I read in the
morning paper where

the police department
- He's so squishy.

- Have assigned a special
detail to clear up

this silly dirty
picture business.

As a taxpayer, I demand--

- Ow, ow, ow!

- This is stopped immediately.

Put those men on
important crimes,

like robberies and
murders and those gangs

of young hoodlums
that roam the street.

Things that'll protect an
honest citizen like myself.

- [Mike] Geez.

- Spending all that money
on such silly things

as a few girly pictures
that never hurt anyone.

[exhaling loudly]

- Never hurt anyone?

For your information,
Mr. Taxpayer, the
dirty picture racket

can be directly connected
to a good percentage

of the major crimes
in this city.

- Just how?

- [Mike] Well, very indirectly.

- I'd need a psychiatrist
to explain it to you.

But I can tell you that we have
three murders on our hands.

Three young girls who
posed for such pictures,

found in the park, tortured,
mutilated, murdered.

Here.

- [Mike] Here's murdered,
here's tortured.

Where's mutilated, there it is.

- [Tom] So glad I didn't
have to get up for this.

- Some charges will steal or
kill just to get this stuff.

It's worse than dope for them.

Taxpayer, the smut
picture racket

is worse than kidnapping
or dope-peddling.

- No it isn't.

[laughing]

- The morgue.

Show me a crime, and I
can show you a picture

that could've caused it.

Have I made myself clear?

- [Mike] It's a vague
connection, I admit, but.

- Do you have a
daughter, Mr. Romaine?

- Would she be interested
in the smut picture racket?

- [Tom] Uhhh, hmm.

- [Mike] Would you
like to choose a
different category, sir?

- [Tom] Hmmm,
daughter, a daughter.

Is the daughter the thing
with the wheel and the,

oh no, forget it, I'm
thinking of a bike.

Let me call my wife.

Daughter, you say, hmm?

Daughter, hmm.

- Yes.

I have two daughters.

- And a puppy.

- [Tom] I think
they're daughters.

Hope I'm thinking
of the right thing.

Let me get back to you on that.

He wanted to know if I had a
daughter, could you believe?

- Is life so dear or peace
so sweet, there, done.

Ahh, the Glossary of Porno.

Ah, the Rainy Day Fun
Book of Codpieces.

- [Mike] It's the
big smiling car.

- [Tom] Cars smiled
more back then.

- [Mike] It's Jet Jaguar.

- Hey, it is.

How would you know?

Hey, he's the neighborhood
porn representative.

[doorbell ringing]
- It's not locked.

- And neither am I.

- [Tom] It's Hymie!

- Honey, you're
letting the flies out.

- Laugh, it's funny!

- [Mike] She's the scary aunt.

- Well, what's happened now?

- [Tom] I sat down.

- The police raided
Jaffe's studio.

- Not again!

- They picked up Lila, Sally,
Carol, Jaffe, the whole crowd.

- Who took them?

- Our old friend,
Lieutenant Matt Carson.

- Oh boy, something's gonna
have to be done about him.

Did you call the lawyer?

- Mike, I'm scared.

- [Mike] It's all right.

- We'll find some
clothes for the girls.

They didn't have much on
when they were picked up.

- How much bail this time?

- Prices are going up.

5,000 apiece.

- [Mike] So act now.

- Well, at least I get that back

when they come up for trial.

Now, how much of my film
did the police take?

- Everything.

- He's wearing a
femme-y jetpack.

- How could they
know everything I had

was in Jaffe's storeroom?

- There has to be
somebody on our side

that's tipping them off.

- [Tom] I suspect me.

- Well, Carson can't
prove you or me

into the Jaffe operation.

- He'll try hard enough.

And if there is an informant
in our organization,

Carson may not have
to try very hard.

Now what about Shirley?

- [Mike] Geez, you could
shave with her voice.

- Dirk's already
carried out your orders,

just as he has the others.

She won't be bothering
you any more.

- [Tom] Isn't that
Theresa Russell?

- I was rather fond of Shirley.

It's really too bad she
had to learn so much

about our mailing operations.

And I won't stand for blackmail.

- Gloria.

♪ You're always on the run now

Don't you think we're
getting in a little too deep

with this guy Dirk?

- [Gloria] What
makes you say that?

- My mom.

- That knife of his.

He enjoys using it too much.

Some day he's gonna get sloppy.

He'd crack right open if
Carson ever picked him up.

- I've got a tremendous
business here,

and it's growing
bigger every month.

- [Mike] Yeah, she's right.

- Nobody's gonna get sloppy.

And don't you forget about Dirk.

He'll be useful to us
for a while, anyway.

- What do I do about
tomorrow's delivery?

- [Gloria] What do you need?

- Oh.

- [Mike] I'm going to think now.

- Mail orders are
up in the thousands,

mostly eight and
16-millimeter movie stuff.

- There's nothing we can do
about that for a few days.

Now, what do you need
for your local outlets?

- At least 100 4x5's.

The high school outlet.

- The high school crowd
hasn't been very happy

with our product lately.

- You can't blame them.

They want new material.

Our stuff's been
repeated too many times.

We can't sell the same thing
to the same old crowd forever.

- I'm learning a lot about porn.

[laughing]

- So let's make our
schoolkids happy.

We'll give them new pictures.

- That'll cost plenty.

- [Mike] I'm going down to
Moby Dick's, it ladies' night.

- The syndicate has plenty.

- They're working for
King Features Syndicate?

- [Tom] So should I
just wait here, or, um.

- [Mike] Oh no, what
do I do with my arms?

Oh no.

- And don't touch the booze!

- [Tom] This actor's
really using his where.

- The late '50s,
and booze is there.

- [Mike] Those are probably
smutty Hummels up on the wall.

- [Tom] The cameras
are off, right, Ed?

- [Mike] That was a good crap.

- [Tom] Geez, she's
cantilevered into that shirt.

- Who gets them?

- Janet.

- Tell Janet not to give
any more on consignment.

She's too far behind
in her collections.

- Janet and her girls-
- Hi.

- Can take care of themselves.

They put the pressure
on, nobody will hold out.

They'll collect.

- They better.

- Let's drink a lot.

[quirky music]

- [Tom] Well, hey,
good clean porn fun.

- [Mike] Teens come running
for the good taste of porn.

- Hi, I'm running
for Porn Queen.

- [Tom] Geez, there's
like 150 teens

in a town of 200.

[humming along to music]

- [Mike] Mary
McCarthy's The Group.

Really bad guitar, isn't it?

- Later, somewhere
near a chicken farm.

♪ Won't you take
me to Shanty Town ♪

- [Mike] It's Joe Keyes.

- It is.

- [Mike] Joe Keyes here.

- Ed Wood mustered up all his
incompetence for this movie.

- [Tom] You need to shut
down that guitar music.

[all mimicking guitar music]

- [Mike] I'm not gonna pay
a lot for this muffler.

- Your fries will
be right up, sir.

- [Tom] Bob Dylan
to save the day.

- [Mike] I just
wanted to tell you

we're out of toilet paper.

No harm.

- Phew, that was not
much of anything, really.

- [Tom] Not much at all.

- [Mike] Hmm, that certainly
sucked the air out of the room.

- Hey, they're in their
sweaters backwards.

- [Tom] Duh, I wanna
get a backwards sweater.

Duh, girl.

- [Mike] Fonzie, Ace of Spies.

- Uh, here's 10 bucks,
don't mention the rat.

- [Janet] Not a very good
payoff this time, Jake.

- [Tom] The house
is talking to me!

- [Jake] Get me some
new pictures and I'll
sell all of them.

- [Janet] I'll have some new
pictures in a couple of days.

- [Jake] Good.

I can't sell this stuff anyway.

- [Mike] That's a
weird face he's got.

- [Jake] Are you kidding?

Everybody from
seven to 70 has 'em.

- [Mike] Good demographics.

- [Jake] And with Doris
getting herself knocked off

like she did in the
park the other day,

the cops have been swarming
all over this place.

Why should I take
a risk like that

for stuff I can't even sell?

- [Janet] Okay, keep them here
and I'll pick them up later.

- [Jake] I don't like
it, but all right.

- [Mike] Well, I think Ed
Wood has directed himself

into a corner here.

- Aw, you can see the string.

Oh.

- [Tom] I think these scenes are

from a completely
different movie.

- Maybe, but they
work so well here.

- Let's finish it, Danny.

- [Mike] Hey, quit
hitting your hand.

- [Tom] Mandy
Patinkin, dress casual.

- [Mike] Steve, you're firm.

- [Tom] Thank you.

- Hey, one of these times
I might actually hit you!

♪ Well all right

♪ Okay

♪ You win, I'm in
love with you ♪

♪ Well all right

- It's kind of a
low-impact donnybrook.

- [Mike] The Four
Seasons are watching.

- [Tom] Hey, ride the
wild guy, 29 cents.

- His face really
never came together.

Whee!

- [Tom] The raw power
of a casual slap.

- And Ann Miller looks on.

- [Mike] This town
really did need porn.

- [Tom] They're
trying to recreate

the Burt Lancaster-Deborah
Kerr thing, aren't they.

- It's not working.

- [Mike] Breaks just
like a little what?

Hm, I dunno.

- This looks like a
job for Zimmerman!

Woo!

- [Tom] Those kids
finally cleared out,

the Life photographer's gone,
I can use the phone now, geez.

- Operator, get me the cops.

- [Mike] Any cops.

- Smell it, smell it!

- [Tom] It's a pretty lame
fight, don't bother coming over.

- Someone hit someone, or
we're going back to our porn!

- [Tom] Meanwhile,
in yet another movie.

[sirens blaring]

- Go east, the dam has broken!

- [Mike] Mark Morris
choreographed.

Wow, that is one
huge hood ornament.

- [Tom] Cargon, take me away.

- Ow, sand in my underpants.

- [Tom] Pegasus.

- [Mike] Ah, reduce,
reuse, recycle.

- [Tom] He's got a
siren under his hat.

- I thought you wanted me in on

this dirty picture
deal with you.

- [Tom] Oooh.

- I do.

- Then what's your idea of
raiding Jake's Pizza Joint?

- [Tom] They're in love.

- I had nothing to do
with calling that raid.

As far as I was concerned,
the situation was

to remain as I
told you it would.

Patrol car four
answered a riot call.

It turned out to
be Jake's place.

But it was all to our advantage.

We caught him high and dry.

He didn't have a chance to
get rid of his pictures.

We booked him with
the goods this time.

- And I never had
to leave my chair.

- What caused the riot?

- Two outfits bidding
for the same business.

One seller on top of the other.

They tried fighting it out,
to see who'd be top dog.

Or should I say top rat.

- Did you get any
of the sellers?

- No, they got
lost in the crowd.

A couple of dozen kids
there with a jam session.

But Jake will do time.

- Think he'll talk?

- [Mike] Yeah, I'm good.

- The boys downstairs
are working on that now.

But Jake's a hard nut to crack.

He knows what could happen.

- Retaliation.

- He knows that no matter how
much time a judge gives him,

it's better if he
keeps his mouth closed.

Talk, and they'd
shut him up before

he could verify any
confession at a trial.

Jake knows it, and so do we.

- Accessing. [beeping]

- What about Clauson?

- What about him?

- Why don't we find
out what he knows?

- He may have
something, at that.

Beat it out to his
ice cream joint.

Have a talk with him.

But kill an hour or so first.

- [Tom] Like we're doing.

- Give him a little more time.

If he hasn't already
heard, I'll make sure

he knows about Jake's
arrest before you get there.

- [Mike] That'll be good.

- An hour, I can arrange that.

I haven't had lunch yet.

How about joining me?

- Nah, too much paperwork to do.

After we take Gloria
and her boyfriend,

we still have to find
the men she works for.

- There's more?

- You don't think she
supplies her own cash, do you?

- [Tom] No.

- The syndicate.

- [Carson] Who else?

- Huh, okay.

I'll see you later.

- Oh, Randy.

- [Tom] You're a fine girl.

- Send Kline in.

- Right.

- [Tom] All right, we get Kline!

No Kline?

- Hey!

- [Tom] Ripoff.

[phone ringing]

- I'm drinking!

- [Tom] You could see a sausage
packed into that outfit.

- Hello?

- [Mike] Oh, hi, Batwoman.

- Yes, Johnny.

Clauson again?

- I love their pickles.

- That much, huh?

Hold on.

- I'll see if I'm in.

Do I wanna take a call?

Oh, I suppose.

- Johnny, where are
Janet and the girls?

In church?

Wow. Don't tell me
they're trying to

peddle those pictures in church.

- [Mike] That
market's saturated.

- All right, look.

You get to Janet.

Tell her that Clauson
is her responsibility.

- [Tom] Ah, the
one-minute pornographer.

- She gets no more stuff
until Clauson pays up.

She'll collect when
she hears that.

- She's Stephanie Hodge-ish.

And I do mean ish.

- Yeah, you'd better
check with him.

Make sure he doesn't talk.

And then look.

- [Mike] Aw, well,
I hate to leave her.

- [Tom] Oh boy, let me tell ya.

- [Mike] Is there any way
we could bring her along?

[quirky music]

- It just doesn't
make any sense, Mike.

- Well, I hear you,
Gypsy, but you know,

there's nothing in
Frank's permanent record

to suggest homicidal maniac.

- Yep, school records check
out too, look at this.

Repeated third grade
twice, fourth grade same.

Snow dance king, huh.

Expelled, Harriet
Tubman High, 1974.

After that, nada.

- Look, I think
I got it handled.

I got some contacts
on the street.

[laughing]

- You've got contacts
on the street?

- There's a lot about
me you don't know.

- I guess.

- Anyway, here's my
main man, Huggy Bear.

- Hi, Crow.

- Hey, all right, Hug,
what's the lowdown?

- Uh, pardon me?

- Don't play schoolgirl with me.

I've got so much on
you, I'll send you

so far up the river you'll
think you were a salmon.

Oh, I get it.

Too much heat coming
down from the man, I see.

- Crow, that's not Huggy Bear.

- I didn't say it
was the Huggy Bear,

I said it was a Huggy Bear.

- Come on, Crow, now cut it out.

Now, Forrester's
life is on the line.

- Yeah.

- Hey, I'm copasetic.

That's why I've got
my main man Rooster.

Hey, Roos, hey!

- Losing your touch, eh, Crow?

Perhaps a nice
traffic assignment

would suit you better, mister.

- Oh yeah?

- Yeah.

- How'd you get your
desk job, chunky?

It didn't have anything to
do with that speeding bus

full of Cub Scouts, did it?

- I stopped that bus
and I saved them kids!

- All except one.

The one you let drive.

- Well, he showed
me his license!

- He was seven!

- I'm a good cop!

I'm a good cop!

- Come on, come on, guys,
come on, cut it out now.

You're both good cops.

Oh, what am I saying?

Neither one of you are
good cops, now come on.

Snap out of it,
we'll help Gypsy,

and then we've got
movie sign, oh no!

- [Crow] Oh, movie sign!

[beeping]

- [Crow] I thought
we were good cops.

- [Tom] We were great cops.

- That's fabulous.

- [Mike] If you were
cops, you'd be good.

- All chili dogs must
use rear entrance.

- I'm gonna push that ice
cream right down his throat.

- [Mike] Hey, Shari
Belafonte-Harper.

- [Tom] Paul Newman is
Shari Belafonte-Harper.

- It's the Gill Evans malt shop.

- [Mike] Wallace Shawn!

- [Tom] The soft-serve murders.

- Ironically, it
was a Safe-T-Cone.

- [Mike] Now they're
gonna crunch-coat him.

- [Tom] And a young Benazir
Bhutto robs the malt shop.

[phone ringing]

- Bela Lugosi's
brother, Shemp Lugosi.

- Lieutenant Carson.

Where are you, Randy?

- General receiving
hospital, Matt.

- [Mike] See?

- They just brought Clauson in.

- [Tom] Have to keep
him refrigerated.

- Somebody beat
him up pretty bad.

- Looks like that grudge
I mentioned is paying off.

Is Clauson able
to say who did it?

- He passed out as soon as
he called for assistance.

I got the call on my radio
and hurried right over here.

- [Tom] Yes, I'm drunk, why?

- The doctor says he won't
be able to talk til morning,

if then.

Want me to wait it out here?

- No, put somebody else on
it and come on back here.

- [Mike] Oh yeah,
that was a fun picnic.

- Let's watch Ghost Dad again.

- Not that it matters
very much, but uh,

what are you calling this one?

- Lovers' Lane.

- Or Forrest Hump.

- The cops picked up
the negative when they

raided Jaffe's studio, but
I had this print in my car.

- Why did you use
Janet and Dirk?

- Both wanted some extra money,
so I put 'em to work for it.

- You know what
happens to Dirk when

he looks at pictures like this.

- I've been able to
handle him so far.

- Sure, when he's
within your reach.

He gives me the creeps.

- [Tom] Someone
gives you the creeps?

- Only when I tell
him what to do.

- [Mike] Ahhh!

- How to do it, and
where it will be done.

- [Mike] Uh, what time's
your synchronized swim meet?

- Let's go get you some pants.

- Okay.

Tell them we'll have the
new pictures, all right.

- [Mike] Hey.

Stop that with the glass.

- The cops knocking
over Jaffe and Jake

is making it tough
for everybody.

- I'm speaking
directly to your brain.

- The boys will be
hungry in a day or two.

Now, let's see those
other films you have.

- [Tom] Oh, that was
a long time coming.

- What are your
plans for tonight?

- Taking in that play
at the new theater.

- Why, I'd love to!

- Want me to?

- Yeah, I've been
at it three nights.

That couch is getting to me.

Deal?

- 15 years, I've
broken lots of dates.

One more won't matter.

You take off, I'll
sit it out here.

- I wouldn't ask you to do
this, Randy, but I'm beat.

- [Mike] He's a beat cop.

[laughing]

You liked it.

- Sure, run home,
surprise Kathy.

She probably doesn't even
remember what you look like.

- Kathy's trying on a bathing
suit and saying "aack".

- Anything comes in
on this, call me.

- I will.

- Don't look at my porn.

- Goodnight.
- Goodnight, Matt.

- [Tom] Enjoy the whore-y
netherworld out there.

- Aw, gotta see if
my agent came through

with that Larry Tate audition.

Yes, Stevens, no, Stevens.

- [Mike] This one's
called A Few Nude Men.

- [Tom] I'm still big, it's
the dinkies that got small.

- And replace the
distributor cap immediately.

- [Tom] Okay, let's
play I'm the teacher

and you're the AV geek.

- Now look at this slush,
and try to remember.

- [Mike] A time in September.

- At one time I
made good movies.

- Like Bikini Car Wash.

- You're making more money now

than you ever made in your life.

Who needs good film in
this business, anyway?

Now give those suckers
hot advertising.

- Rawk-rawk-rawk-rawk.

- And they'll spring with
their money every time.

- [Tom] Ah, Ticketmaster,
the early years.

- No refunds, you understand.

It's all cash.

- We've had trouble with checks.

- I figure the foreign movies
being as good as they are,

we should make a
few more changes.

- [Tom] Maybe try
more wooden delivery.

- Okay, you're the director.

Get some new girls,
find some new angles.

- Consider editing.

- But the amount spent for
each reel stays the same.

- [Mike] I can't work under
these budget constraints!

- You're the boss.

- Just you remember that.

- Sure.

- Now, get out of
here and go to work.

And get some straight
pictures that we can

send through the
mail as samples.

You know, a holdup, or
something with the girls

with their clothes on.

Then get busy on
that hot footage.

And brother, I mean hot.

- [Tom] I got shots
of monks on fire.

- Now, go to work.

- Oh, this isn't hot!

I mean, it's hot, but not,
I mean, hot, you know.

- [Mike] Oh, he's so
cute, look at him.

- This is Carson.

Ring my phone.

- [Tom] Send up breakfast
for two, and champagne.

[phone ringing]

- [Mike] Mother!

I'm sorry, Mother!

[laughing]

- [Tom] Help me up.

- [giggling] I'm an imp!

- Funny, funny.

- [Mike] When middle-aged
people horse around.

- Clauson's still out.

- That figures. His head
would have to be soft

to peddle that kind of garbage.

- [Mike] Yeah, but I
kid the pornography.

- You know, Matt,
I look at these.

- And I look at these, and
I look at these, and I.

- Beautiful girl.

- [Tom] That's what's inside me.

- Might have made
it legitimately.

- [Mike] Well, maybe not.

- Instead, she gets
herself mixed up

in this dirty, filthy racket.

- [Tom] Glamor Shots.

- Well, the people
who we're after

are running a rotten business.

It isn't only our problem.

Every city big and small
throughout the country has it.

- [Crow] Wal-Mart.

- It's the responsibility
of every department

to clean up its own area,

and that's exactly
what we're gonna do.

- [Tom] Just glad
we're back at the desk.

- Ah, it happens every week.
- [Mike] I make a dull speech.

- Our files are full of
Mary Smiths and Jane Does.

- And Tracy Lords and
Mary Tyler Moores.

- They come from Everywhere,
USA to star in the movies.

- Hey, I'm from
there, you know, Bob!

- Somewhere right now, a
Mary Smith is graduating,

head of her class.

She was great in
the school play.

- [Mike] Slammer Girls.

- And now, her starry
eyes are looking

to the far horizon, Hollywood.

- Hundreds of young girls,
35 cars of young girls,

packed in ice and shipped
from the Columbia Valley!

- [Tom] Wait, this train
doesn't go to Hollywood,

it goes to Mt. Prospect.

- [Mike] Oh no, no casting?

Foundry workers are
devastated by the news.

- How many times did
you play A to Annie?

- [Tom] The guidance counselor
is steering her towards smut.

- They're very nice, but--

- Look, after visiting
all the casting offices

day after day and
getting nowhere,

I thought I'd better find
a motion picture agent

that would sign me up
and get me started.

- [Mike] Fine, I'll call Zanuck,

I'll get you a
three-picture deal.

- I must be brutally
frank with you.

- Jesus told me he hates you.

- A high school play doesn't
constitute a finished actress,

or in most cases even
the starting of one.

- [Tom] But let me be the
first to offer you sex.

- As much as I'd like to--

- [Mike] I can't act, either.

- It'd be impossible
for me to sign you up.

- Let me restate
how much I hate you.

- [Tom] Well, you get
to keep the folder.

- [Mike] On location
with Regarding Heinie.

- Come on back, girls.

- [Crow] I didn't mean it.

- Time to wrap her up?

- No, just a sec, I wanna
check something here.

- [Tom] Emma, look,
they're nude over there!

[imitating car crash]

- Well, what do we have here?

- Why, it's Big Ethel!

- [Mike] I'd like
to try out for porn.

- Boy, she sure
looks good to me.

- You can say that again.

- Say, why don't
you sign her up?

- Maybe I'll do just that.

- You know, Gloria said
she wanted some new faces.

- That's a pretty
nice-looking face, at that.

- Boy, you said it.

- [Tom] Fred Olen Ray, Sr.

- Hey, Billy, come
over here, will ya?

- You know the old
guy, in real life,

couldn't separate sex and death.

- [Mike] Oh man.

Like father, like son.

Think about it, won't you?

- Pardon me, I'm John Ryde,
motion picture director.

- I couldn't help noticing
you have no future in movies.

- [Tom] And thus
Merchant Ivory is born.

- There goes the master to work.

Boy, can he pick 'em.

Well, I'd love to
photograph this one.

- [Mike] Yes, sir.

- Hey, Jaffe.

- Yeah?

- You lost your accent.

- But I'm not directing now.

- Oh.

- Oh, such a searing
indictment of Hollywood.

[knocking]

- Come in.

- [Tom] Welcome to ConSleaze Co.

- The young lady
you were expecting

is here to see you, Mr. Ryde.

- Send her right in.

- Send her breasts
right in, too.

- Right this way, miss.

- [Mike] Ah, there they are.

- I hope I'm not late, Mr. Ryde.

- Of course not, my dear.

Sit down, sit down.

- Sit down, sit down, sit down.

- Drink?

- No, thank you.

- [Tom] Phone?

- I don't smoke, but, but
if smoking is important

to the part, I'm
sure I can learn.

- The part?

Oh yes, the part in
our next production.

- Whoops, whoa.

- Yes, I think you'll do nicely.

- You mean I get the part?

- Why not?

- You don't know how
much this means to me.

I'll work ever so hard.

I'll do a great job
in your picture.

- [Mike] Not like now.

- I'm sure you will.

However, there are several
things to be done first.

You have any money?

- Well, I--

- Dot dot dot.

- Now, now, my dear, there's
no need for embarrassment.

- [Tom] Yet.

- I was looking for a job,
anything to tide me over,

when you discovered
me yesterday.

- [Mike] Plus I'm dumb.

- And I couldn't write
home and ask for help.

I wouldn't want them to know
what a failure I've been.

- [Tom] They run a
successful porn shop.

- That's the trouble
with you young girls.

You come out here with
little or no money,

and expect to be discovered
at the first drop of a hat.

You're one of the lucky ones.
- Is this a talk show?

- I seem to have
found you in time,

and saw this great
talent of yours.

- I'm so happy, Mr. Ryde.

- Of course you are.

But as I said, there
are several things

we must do first.

- [Tom] Now, my next guest is--

- A new hair styling.

Learn to walk and
talk correctly.

- [Mike] Buy bonds
where you work or bank.

- I don't like the way
you make up your lips.

- Well, I don't like the
way you make up your lips!

- Our makeup department
will take care of that.

These things will
cost a lot of money.

- Well, I told you, I don't--

- Have any money?

[chuckling]

Where do you live?

- In a boarding house on--

- Mm, that'll never do.

We must change that immediately.

- [Mike] You'll move
in with Warren Beatty.

- Do you have an automobile?

- No.

- Hmm, get one.

- Here, just a warning.

- I'll get it all back when
we make your first picture.

- I don't know how to thank you.

- Oh, yes you do.

- Don't try, there's always
more where that came from.

Be seen in all the right
places, wear the right clothes,

even at home.
- [Tom] This is weird, sir.

- [Johnny] And when you
need more money or advice,

feel free to call on me.

- [Mike] If you ever need
a sentence completed.

- I will.

Shouldn't I start
learning a script?

- All in good time. Now,
we have a lot to do.

I'll go with you so
you have no trouble,

uh, cashing that check.

- I'd appreciate that.

- Yeah, they know me
down at Cash Stop.

- Are gangster and horror
pictures all you produce?

- [Tom] Oh, she's picky now.

- Those were made
by friends of mine.

I think you'll find my type
of picture entirely different.

- [Mike] I hope the rats
can take care of themselves.

- She lives in a fire
department training building.

- [Tom] Should I
bring my kids with me?

Nah, I'm gonna be a big
star, who needs 'em?

- Film it all, Ed!

- [Tom] Yep.

- [Mike] Ah, the crow's nest.

- Hmm?

[phone ringing]

- [Tom] Smut, how
can we help you?

- John Ryde.

Why, yes, hello,
Mary, how are you?

Fine, thanks, my dear.

- You know, the porn industry
seems laid back and inviting.

- Did you get that dress?

- [Mike] In Mr. Wood's size?

- What?

A spot?

- On the Dinah Shore Chevy show?

- Why, don't be
embarrassed, what is it?

Feel free to talk to
me, what's on your mind?

- [Tom] I'm really
acting now, come on!

- A check?

Why, of course,
there'll always be

another check here for you.

Drop by any time.

Yes.

You're perfectly welcome.

Bye-bye.

- How was that, Ed?

Okay?

- [Mike] So he says,
for a nickel, I will.

Anyway, well.

- [Tom] Well, Mary, it looks
like you lost $14 million.

[humming]

- Oranges are pretty.

- [Tom] Mm-hmm.

- Don't spend it
all in one place.

- There's a lot of
places I haven't been.

And a lot of things
I haven't seen.

- Sure, sure.

Don't you worry about a thing,

there's plenty more
where that came from.

Oh, by the way, Miss
Henderson, the big boss,

thinks you're about ready.

You'll meet her here at my
office at 10, Wednesday.

- [Mike] Let's just wait.

Okay.

[knocking]

- [Tom] 10, Wednesday.

- Come in.

- The technique here
is to focus on the desk

and just let the rest happen.

- Pardon me, Miss Henderson.

- [Mike] It's all right.

- Mr. Ryde, the young lady
is here for her appointment.

- Let her in.

- Is that a really tiny pair
of antlers above the lamp?

- [Tom] Thank you, Gloria.

Now our next guest is a
naive actress from Podunk.

Won't you welcome her?

- Am I on time?

- Of course.

- Miss Henderson,
this is the young lady

I've been telling you about.

- Names at this stage
are unimportant.

Names are your
department, anyway.

Now, would you get in front of
the desk and face the window?

- I memorized that
thing from Hamlet.

- Now, let's see those legs.

- [Mike] These legs?

- Oh brother.

What's with her?

[squawking]

- I haven't told her yet.

- Well, tell her,
and make it snappy.

I haven't got all day.

[squawking]

- Have I done something wrong?

I wouldn't want anything to ruin

this chance you've given me.

- No, no, it's just
that Miss Henderson

has a part in mind for
you in her next production

that deals with an
extremely sexy type of girl.

- Honey, she hasn't
got it, why waste time?

What kind of a director
do I have, anyway?

I thought you could--

[squawking]

- Give me a chance, let me try!

At least let me read
the part for you.

- Read the part?

Oh brother.

- What have you got to
lose, Miss Henderson?

Give the kid a break.

- All right, you get
your chance to act.

- Oh, thank you.

- Now, when I say
let's see those legs,

honey, I mean just that.

Let's see those
legs from your toes

right up to your hat.

- [Mike] But they
stop before that.

- Understand?

Is that it?

You don't understand.

Well.

- [Tom] Move your ass,
Curly, I'm coming in.

- You see these?

You know what these are?

It was all my
money, every dollar.

Every dollar was mine.

Oh, kid, you're on the
hook to me for plenty.

How do you think
you're gonna pay

all that money back to me?

You see the signatures
on the back of these?

- Oh, actually, I didn't
get a good look, if you--

- But Mr. Ryde said he would
take it back from my salary

when I do films
for your company.

- Right, you're to
do films for me.

Unless, of course, you'd prefer
that I contact your father.

Perhaps that would
be the best way.

- You wouldn't.

- Oh no?

Try me.

- But Dad never works nude.

- But I do want to
make movies for you.

- Of course you do.

- Now, now, honey, don't worry.

You'll make a lot
more money this way.

- There, friends?

Come on.

- Now let's see those legs.

- [Mike] There's kind of
a sleazy element to this.

Why is all, you know,
they're casting for

With Six You Get Eggroll.

- [Tom] Oh, there's her hat!

Oh, I wondered.

- So they put her
in more clothes

than she's ever
had on in her life!

- [Tom] Must be an
intern, nothing to do.

[giggling]

- Stand perfectly
still, this is a movie.

- Now, my dear, you must just
look as beautiful as you can.

Just as you are, see?

Thomas, please take
out the ladder.

- [Mike] Okay, you're
George Washington.

- Oh, the Queen Mother could
heat up a room more than this.

- [Tom] I've seen
sexier girdle ads.

- Yeah.

- [Tom] The Columbia
Pictures logo.

[quirky music]

- I forgot, I must
turn on the fan.

Would you please turn
on the fan, Panch?

And you, hold the
hand beautiful so.

Ah, that is good.

- [Mike] I am Diana.

[drumroll]

- Live from the Pantages
Theater in beautiful--

- [Mike] [giggling]
What's going on?

- Johnny, you sure can pick 'em.

This is the best one yet.

- [Tom] You're
filming your shirts.

- I'd like her because you're
gonna see a lot more of her.

- [Mike] Next film,
we may show her elbow.

- Meanwhile, Bobby
Rydell goes undercover.

- [Tom] Okay, Mr. Ed, I
know you're here somewhere.

[humming spy music]

- I could break into my
house, or I could use the key.

♪ Gotta dance

- [Mike] Great, the
one time he peeps,

she's wearing her
most demure outfit.

- Aw, crap, I gotta get
another carton for tomorrow.

- [Tom] That coffee
table, purchased with

the souls of young girls.

About eight, I think.

- [Mike] Well, out to
buy more knick-knacks.

- [Tom] Let yourself
in if you like,

I left some food out.

- [Mike] This guy likes to
break in and just relax.

It's such a great room.

- [Tom] A good space.

- It's very inviting.

Igor.

- [Tom] I bet she hid
my Easter basket early!

- [Mike] He's looking for
love in all the wrong places.

- [Tom] Oh, portal to another
dimension there on the wall.

- Where did she hide
that floozy galacha, huh?

Is it under there, no.

- [Mike] If I'd just
find the script,

I'd know what I was doing.

- [Tom] I'm the blotter-peeper.

- Aha!

Boggle.

- [Mike] This smut was
placed here by the Gideons.

- [Tom] That Kenny Rogers
sure can take a picture.

- [Mike] He's got
split-top buttertop hair.

- [Tom] Hmm, real butter.

- Come on, photo, I'll cut ya!

I'll cut ya, I will!

[laughing]

- [Mike] And he's got the
healthiest relationship so far.

- [Tom] Nice pose.

- Say the secret word, and
get killed by a psycho.

- [Tom] Hey lady, what gives?

This is pocket lint.

I can't eat gluten.

There's tropical oil in
this, I can taste it.

- [Mike] Hey, duckies, I'm
a porn queen, yes I am, yes.

- [Tom] Who cares, quack quack.

- This is actually the
hottest scene so far.

- [Mike] Sorry about all the
little duck piles there, lady.

What are you gonna do.

- [Tom] Let's see, insert
Knife A into Girl B,

that's how it works.

- [Mike] Just put it on my
bill, thank you, thank you.

- Hey, look out, duck!

- [Tom] Doh.

- [Mike] So are the ducks
working with this guy, or what?

- [Tom] Quack quack, didn't
see a thing, quack quack.

- [Mike] This'll put the
crappies down for a while.

- Relax, relax, just float,
don't fight the water.

- [Tom] Oh, typical, now those
ducks are nowhere to be seen.

- [Mike] She just
decided she's dead.

- [Carson] Well, Randy, they
found another one in the park.

- We got a duck giving a
statement in the next room.

- Match up with any of
the pictures we have?

- Nothing we had on file.

- [Tom] Why don't they just
push their desks together?

- There she is, the pictures.

Looks like Gloria
Henderson's at it again.

- Yeah.

- [Mike] You got any
wallet size of these?

- Anything on this killing?

- We know who did it.

- We do?

- A killer. [laughing]

- He made a big
mistake this time.

Our boy left his
fingerprints on the pictures.

- Whose are they?

- Dirk Williams.

- Dirk?

That's one of Gloria
Henderson's men.

- [Tom] Oh yeah!

- It fits.

- Let's pick him up!

- Well, we've got an
APB on him right now,

but uh, it's tougher
than we figured.

- How so?

- No place of
residence on the guy.

- Ooh, that is tough.

- [Tom] Maybe he'll
just drop by here.

- Matt, if we
don't get that guy,

there's gonna be another
killing in that park

before you can turn around.

- Maybe we should just
let it run its course.

- Say.

- [Mike] Hey, there's a new
Italian place, are you hungry?

- Why don't we put a
policewoman in that park

for a couple of days?

She might turn up something

- [Tom] Pepper, I'm
putting you on the case.

- That's using your head, Randy,

only it won't be a policewoman.

It'll be a policeman.

- Look, that character's not
gonna show himself for a man.

- Don't be too sure.

- Oh, now, look, Matt,
what did you have

for coffee this morning?

- KC Masterpiece Sauce.

- A policewoman would
be in extreme danger

all the time she's out there.

I wouldn't put a woman
in that position.

That killer's a madman.

- [Mike] Now that's
a little harsh.

- I guess you're right there.

- [Tom] What would Kline do?

- What can we do?

- Sitting here's always good.

- We'll put a sweater
and skirt on a policeman.

- [Mike] Oh, like at your house.

- Harlan did it
before, remember?

He caught that
Lovers Lane killer.

- [Tom] He's got a cute shape.

- It just might work.

- It's a chance.

- And it'll be damn fun.

- Sounds good to me.

- You know, right now
it's our only chance.

- [Mike] Heck,
let's all dress up.

[groaning]

- [Tom] I wonder what
she's got on this time.

- [Mike] I'm
guessing a tube top.

- [Tom] Let's take you
back to the village.

'63, the Ed Wood sessions.

Ed Wood dresses up
as Marian McPartland

and brings down the house.

- Ba-bow, wa!

Hit me!

- [Mike] Oh, she's been to prom.

- [Tom] Uh, honey,
there's no meter.

- Another Charlie
Sheen fantasy session.

- [Mike] She's been
out canvassing for
clean water action.

- Sit down, Miss Henderson.

- [Tom] We're from
the Syndicate.

- Gee, it sounds like
autumn in New Hampshire.

- [Mike] Sitting on bubble wrap.

- You know why we're here.

One of your boys
has gone too far.

- Which one?

[snapping]

- [Mike] I didn't mean
for you to read the paper.

- [Tom] Huh, Michael Medved
panned Lickity Lovelies.

Read it yourself.

- Board to city, drop dead.

Hmm.

- [Mike] Oh, it's an editorial.

They're calling for
another sex maniac murder.

- I didn't order that.

- You didn't?

- [Tom] Slim Whitman!

- [gasping] I love him.

- Then why did it happen?

- Dirk got out of control.

- It won't happen again.

You're to get rid of him.

- All right, I'll talk to him.

I'll send him away until
this thing cools off.

- You don't understand.

You've got to get rid
of him permanently.

- Permanently!

Oh, I said that.

[whirring]

- The syndicate has big money
invested in your business,

and we take no chances.

- [Tom] Oh, sir, phew.

- Do I make myself clear?

- [Tom] A really
rotten one, buddy.

- I know what must be done.

- Well, we're gonna go
and make out on the patio.

- We thought you
would, Miss Henderson.

- [Mike] Now they
climb over the fence

and run down the alley.

- [Tom] That went well.

I thought she seemed real nice.

- You have 20 seconds to answer.

- [Mike] Oh, the mafia's
playing in the pool,

and she's gotta watch 'em.

[doorbell ringing]

- Come in.

- [Tom] How inviting.

- This whole operation
could use a weekend retreat.

- [Mike] Are you in a good mood?

- Have you seen that?

- [Crow] There's a gay character
in For Better or Worse.

- Headlines in every paper.

- I thought you could
handle that idiot.

- Sure, when I can see him.

- Now what's with that creep?

[growling]

- You know what happens
when he looks at

certain kinds of pictures.

Undoubtedly he got ahold
of some and that was that.

- Only that isn't that.

- Well, then what is that?

- I had visitors a
little while ago.

The big shots.

- The organization?

- [Gloria] Yes.

- About Dirk?

- About Dirk.

- [Johnny] So?

- So, Dirk is dangerous.

The orders are he has to go.

- That figures.

But how?

- You be the big brains
in that department.

But Dirk has to be taken care of

before the cops pick him up,

or the first time they
put those lights on him

he'll crack wide open
about everything.

[imitating gunshots]
And that includes you and me.

- I figured that moron
was gonna cause trouble.

- Sorry, forgot my line.

- Okay, leave it to me.

- You have a plan?

- Sure.

I'll send him out to
state with the shipment.

- The big shots
meant he has to be

put out of the way permanently.

- It'll be permanent.

- Ah, you talk in riddles.

[beeping]

- We just gotta figure out a
way to stop Frank, but how?

- Yeah, that's the $64, wait!

I've got an idea, a
door-to-door search.

Gypsy, can you give me a
schematic of the whole city?

- You want the suburbs too?

- All the way to the sticks.

I wanna see barns and
cows and roosters.

- There goes my vacation.

- Thanks, dollface.

- Get outta here, you lug!

- All right, all right,
all right, hold everything!

Haha, I got the report
back from the lab,

and guess whose fingerprints are

all over the ransom note, huh?

- Uh, probably Frank's,
since he signed it.

- Oh, that's right, I guess.

- Boy, this is a dead end, a
blank wall, an empty check.

- It's no piece of
cake, that's for sure.

- Wait, hold it, Gypsy.

Say that again.

- I said, it's no piece
of cake, that's for sure.

- Potato cakes, that's it!

- Potato cakes?

- Remind me to buy you a new
hat next payday, sweetheart!

But first, I've got a very
important phone call to make.

- Why does she get a new hat?

- Ooh, new hat.

- Do I have to dial one?
- One.

[phone ringing]

- Hello, Deep 13,
how can I help you?

- [Mike] Oh, Clay, thank
goodness you're there.

Listen, I've got the
answer, potato cakes.

- Potato cakes?

Well, those are tasty.

I prefer curly fries,
they have sort of a--

- [Mike] No, they're not for
you, Clay, they're for Frank!

- Well, that's very
thoughtful, Mike.

I don't have to tell you,
I'm just the teensiest bit

peeved at our young
Frank right now.

- [Mike] No, no, don't you see?

Frank loves potato cakes.

Get some and use them to lure
him away from the dynamite.

[chuckling]

- Delightfully devious.

I wonder why I
didn't think of that.

Frank, I'm stepping out, 'kay?

- Okay.

[quirky music]

- Oh, potato cakes!
- I think it'll work.

- Dirk takes the old car.

Along about daylight, he'll
hit the high mountain country.

First bend on the first
deep grade, fixed brakes,

no more Dirk.

- We're screamin' mad at Dirk.

- That way it's just
another accident.

No bullets to be traced.

Only another accident in
an old car with bad brakes.

- [Tom] Sounds sexy.

- Not the slightest
connection to us.

- No?

What about the pictures
he'll be carrying?

- [Mike] Oh, okay,
I'll shoot him.

- He'll think they're
locked in a trunk.

- Then, um, lambs will attack,

and then his pores get clogged
and go untreated and he dies.

- Actually, there will
be no pictures at all.

- I'm not so sure
I like that idea.

I think it should
be done more direct.

- [Tom] Ly.

- Don't worry.

- [Mike] Be trampy.

- Nothing can go wrong.

- [Tom] Please,
Mike, cover my eyes.

- Oh, that's it,
I'm gonna be a monk.

[groaning]

- [Mike] What's this girdle
made of, carbon graphite?

- [Tom] Wow.

Ah, Euell Gibbons
in his element, huh?

- Norman, are you out here?

- [Mike] Wow, he's
prepared well,

he's walking so femininely.

- [Tom] Suddenly I've
lost my sinister urge.

- [Mike] Janet Reno, look out!

- Let's kick it into
Kline overdrive.

♪ Beneficial, beneficial

- [Mike] Hey, it's
Aristotle Onassis.

- [Tom] Ooh, Kline!

- [Crow] Wow, thank you,
Kline, that was terrific.

- [Tom] Hey,
replace your divots!

[humming along with music]

- That broad was a cop!

- [Mike] And not
a natural redhead!

- Ah, thanks, Johnny,
how did you find me?

- No time for that now.

You've gotta leave
town for a while.

- Yeah.

But how? I'm broke.

- And I'm Bundchen.

- Here's a couple
of bucks for ya.

- [Mike] 'cause that's
all you're worth, doll.

- I got a delivery for
ya to make out of state.

Stay there until I send for ya.

- I'll do that, Johnny.

- Any particular state?

- I'll do just that.

You got a car for me?

- One of Gloria's.

It's all gassed up
and ready to go.

You'll make the trip easy.

One of her old ones,
draws less attention.

- [Tom] And don't
check the brakes.

- The pictures are in the trunk,

and there's a note
on the front seat

telling you where
to make delivery.

Now come on, we gotta hurry.

- Thanks again, Kline.

[dramatic music]

Must be a real
emergency smut shipment.

- [Tom] Ah, he's brake dancing.

[laughing] Sorry.

- Hey, he's got a hot
plate on the dashboard.

Uh, Grandma, even, even, even.

- [Tom] I saw a coyote!

It's back there.

There's another one.

- [Mike] Oh, I'm actually
making great time.

- Hey, a perfectly good shoe!

Oof!

- [Tom] Uh, Mannix, Mannix, ow.

Mannix.

- [Mike] [gasping]
The smut's gonna blow!

- [Tom] Look out!

- Ooh, ooh, owie,
ooh, ooh, my butt.

Oh, that's right,
my arm hurts, yeah.

- [Tom] Harry, keep the change.

- After his
near-death experience,

Dirk learns a new
appreciation for smut.

- [Tom] Blink,
blink blink blink.

- [Mike] Boy, oh, it feels
good to be back at Smut Manor.

- [Tom] Nowadays these folks
would have legitimate jobs

for the USA Network.

- Well, I hope she's not
dressed in saran wrap again.

- [Mike] Ew, leftovers.

Nonstop gate-closing action.

- [Tom] This is one
criminal who will not

let the dog get out of the yard.

- Whoop, whoa, oh.

- Don't try it, daddy-o.

- [Tom] Daddy-o?

- Not as long as I got this
shiv. Maybe some other time.

- [Mike] Say, Tuesday?

- But not when I got
this fixed at you.

That's it, play it cool,
man, play it real cool.

- [Tom] Got any letters
you need opened?

- What's with you?

- You creeps figured
you were real smart,

putting me in that
fixed car, didn't you.

Only I don't get
the age-old bit.

- What are you talking about?

- You and the broad
could take all the gold

and leave me with the crumbs.

Only now I decide I'm
gonna run the show.

I'm gonna put you both
out of circulation.

- Look, Dirk, I didn't
wanna put you in that car.

It was all Gloria's idea,
the whole thing was her plan.

- Sure.

- The car brakes, and--

- Sure it was, sure.
- I'm telling you the truth.

- Truth!

You ain't been true in your
whole life, Johnny boy.

[whining]

- I'll show ya, you
gotta listen to me.

Look, the men behind
Gloria are tired of her.

They want a change.

- [Mike] You gotta get
your knee out of my groin.

- You get rid of her,
and we, you and I,

we can own the whole deal, the
whole thing, you understand?

She's the one you
wanna take care of.

I can get the names
of her backers

if you'll just
give me the chance.

What have you got to lose?

What have you got to lose, huh?

- I gotta talk it
over with my lawyers.

- Just stop crying in your chin.

- [Tom] But I'm
vulnerable now, dammit.

- You'll see.

- I'll chance it, Johnny boy.

- [Mike] You will?

Oh, oh, yeah.

- But you'd better be right.

- [Tom] Yeah.

- We'll just see what happens.

- [Tom] Yeah.

- Okay, Dirk, all right.

- I'll be out here.

- Just don't slam the curtain.

- [Tom] Okay. I'll be down the
block and around the corner,

so don't try anything.

- [Mike] Oh, I had no idea
porn would be so stressful.

- This guy doesn't have
the management skills

to run a modern
smut corporation.

- [Tom] 'cause today it's a

global smut
marketplace, you know.

- That's right, mm-hmm.

Well, what kind
of weird-ass getup

she gonna have on this time?

- [Tom] Ah.

- [Mike] Ah, she's
dressed as the

Blue Earth sugar beet queen.

[giggling]

- [Tom] Looks like
a toilet paper cozy.

- What are you doing here again?

- Uh, guess who's not dead?

- Dirk didn't go over the cliff.

- [Mike] You're a bad dog.

- You're a jerk.
[whimpering]

I told you from the beginning
that car idea was stupid.

Oh, you're a fool, you've
always been a fool.

- [Mike] You know,
she still looks better

than Lucille Ball in Mame.

- Not as much as fool as you
if you don't listen to me.

- What are you driving at?

- Just this.

I have the word Dirk is
after us, you and me.

And when he goes after
somebody with that knife,

he doesn't stop until
he's cut 'em up but good.

- Yeah, he's just crazy.

- There is--

- [Tom] A house in New
Orleans, called the Rising Sun.

- There is a way out.

- [Mike] It's booze.

- Someone stole my neck.

- We can, we can
see your backers.

They'll take care of him.

Besides, it's about
time I met 'em.

I'm in this thing up to my neck.

- [Mike] Who are
those two freaks?

- You owe me that much.

- You wanna meet
my backers, huh?

- [Johnny] As I said,
you owe me that much.

I rate it.

- I'm just gonna ask,
is this a juniper bush?

[quirky music]

- You know, Johnny, it may not
be such a bad idea at that.

- Glad you realize it.

- Okay, Johnny.

I'll take care of it.

- [Tom] I think they've
lost the smut thread.

- You'll never regret it.

- [Tom] Get back to the smut!

- All right, I'll
take you to them.

But I have to change my clothes.

- [Mike] Oh, shoulda
gone to the bathroom

before she got here.

- [Johnny] I've been
trying to tell you that

for the past two years.

- But I have known, Johnny.

Yes, I have known.

You were bound to put the
pressure on sooner or later.

After all, you have done so
much for my organization.

- That's mighty
nice of you, Gloria.

- I toast your sleaziness.

- Yes, it is, isn't it?

- [Mike] Uh, by the way,
what are we talking about?

- [Tom] I'm so lucky, I just
met a girl just like Mom.

[ominous music]

I'm outside and it's cold
and I forgot my plan.

- Oh, honey, uh, Dirk stopped by

to talk about the
double-cross, and--

- [Mike] Hey, could you scratch
my back with your voice?

- Listen, Dirk, uh, you need
anything before we go to bed?

I'm gonna lock up.
- What she said about the car,

she just wanted to
put the blame on me.

- Sure she did.

- You better take cover
before she comes out.

We've gotta get those names.

- Yeah.

Names are important.

- [Mike] Names good,
Tor like names.

- But I don't see
why I need you.

- Gloria wouldn't
give you the list.

Why did you do that?

- Maybe I like the dark.

- [Tom] Wait a minute,
what are you doing?

What, oh, a puppet show?

What is that, a ducky?

Oh, that's great, make
it hit the monkey again.

That's really funny,
you're really good.

- Where are you, Johnny?

- I'm in my formal pajama suit.

- [Mike] Now she's
dressing like Miss Hanson

of the fifth grade.

[gunshot]

- [Tom] Ooh, right
in the sinister urge.

- Just like Ironside!

- Whatever gave you the
idea I'd cut you in, Johnny?

You knew I never could
stand a blackmailer.

- [Mike] Uh, I'm dead?

- You knew that.

- [Mike] Yeah, but I'm dead, so.

- [Tom] It's a lot more
satisfying to berate

and then kill him.

- [Mike] Yeah.

- Oh, this is the L&M Moment.

Finally have time for
my skin care regimen.

- [Mike] Oh, Mittens, what
did you do on my desk?

- She's calling
Confess A Murder.

- Operator.

Give me the police, please.

- [Mike] If you've committed
a murder, press one.

- Lieutenant Carson?

- [Tom] Hi-o!

- This is Gloria Henderson.

- [Tom] Oh yeah, love your work.

- Dirk Williams just shot
Johnny Ryde here in my home.

No, no, he took off
right after the shooting.

No, no, I won't touch anything.

- [Mike] I had to touch the
phone to call you, bye-bye.

- Oh, this should
be in the gun cozy.

- [Mike] This is the type of
scene Ed Wood does really well.

- Oh, she's gonna
frame the cushion!

- [Tom] The Princess
and the Piece.

- [Crow] Just wait in
this storage closet.

- [Tom] Anyone wanna pull
up that police car footage?

Thank you.

[sirens blaring]

[imitating car accident]

[giggling]

- It's so nice to have a patio
you can murder people on.

It's just easy to
hose off and clean.

- [Tom] Come on in.

- He's outside on the patio.

The light switch is
behind the curtain.

- Keep everybody out
until the coroner

and the lab boys get here.

- Yes, sir.

- [Mike] Well, they're in the
Lab Boy Men Love Association.

- Kinda dark in here, too.

- It's the second switch.

- This your murder victim?

- You told me not to touch
anything, not even the lights.

So I didn't.

- Matt!

- [Tom] Geez, I have to walk
all the way across the room.

- [Mike] Huh, t-shirt
says I Love Grandpa.

- Who'd you say this guy was?

- Johnny Ryde.

- You knew him pretty well?

- I should, he worked for me.

- So, uh, Dirk Williams
shot Johnny Ryde, eh?

- That's right, he
broke into my home

about an hour or so ago.

- [Tom] [chuckling]
This is great.

- Johnny and I tried
to reason with him.

We even gave him a
couple of drinks.

And then Dirk pulled out
his gun, shot Johnny,

then he took off
across the patio.

- Oh, Dirk ran, eh?

[chuckling]

Now let's get this straight.

Dirk Williams shot Johnny Ryde,

and then Dirk beat
it out of here, huh?

- That's right.

What do I have to do,
draw you a picture?

He shot Johnny Ryde
right over there.

- Over by the dead guy, right?

- Show her, Randy.

- [Tom] Johnny, let's
show her who she shot!

- Take a look.

- [Mike] [chuckling]
This is so great.

- [Tom] I love it.

- [Mike] The whole movie
was worth it to see this.

- Would our mystery stiff
enter and sign in, please?

- Dirk?

No, that can't be Dirk.

Uh-uh, no, that's not Dirk.

No.

[imitating trumpet]

- How did you make such a
mistaken identity, Gloria?

- Up yours, gumshoe!

- [Tom] Out of the way, lardass.

- [Mike] Bob Crane!

- [Tom] Ooh.

- Matt, lookie here!

- This is hilarious,
you gotta see this.

- Looks like Johnny's
here after all.

- Johnny?

- Sir, shouldn't we get back
to the office and speculate?

- Johnny!

- Uh-uh, no way, uh-uh.

- You have a lot of explaining
to do down at headquarters.

- Uh, yes, you're
right, I may well have

some explaining to do.

Maybe you'll let me
reach for my gun!

Haha!

- [Tom] Action sequence
narrowly averted.

- How 'bout that?

- [Mike] Minty.

- Recently fired.

Gloria's fingerprints
on it are all we need

to convict you for the
shooting of Dirk Williams.

- Well, this cleans up her game,

and puts an end to those
murderous sex attacks.

- [Tom] And we
still have the smut!

- Two young hoodlums.

Two wasted lives.

You know, Randy?

- What a good wife you would be.

- He might've been a big man
of the motion picture business.

- [Tom] His face is collapsing.

- [Mike] Looks like a turtle.

- It's a sinkhole.

- Well, Gloria's gun gave
him a providential release

from his compulsive madness.

- What about her bosses,
though, the Syndicate?

- Gloria will tell
us who they are.

The men behind this
smut picture racket.

- I'll just tidy up here.

- Pornography.

- [Tom] That's what
I'm in the mood for.

- Nasty word for
a dirty business.

- [Mike] You know, huh?

- All right, let's go.

- [Tom] We gotta take two cars.
You wanna follow us, Gloria?

- Hey, uh, you know what, sir?

Now her apartment's available.

- [Mike] I'll just
stand here and

guard the end of the movie.

You guys are dead, huh?

What's that like?

You think the Dodgers are
gonna do anything this year?

- [Tom] I really admire
how Ed Wood held back Kline

until just the right moments.

He exercised restraint.

Really nice.

- Kline, wait with the corpse.

Kline, wait in the car.

Kline, wait in the
whore-y netherworld.

When is it Kline's turn?

- [Mike] Goodbye,
Kline, you nutcase.

[beeping]

[phone ringing]

- Yeah.

- Mike, can you talk?

Good, in about two
minutes, Dr. Forrester

and Deep 13 are
gonna be blown into

a million billion
kajillion pieces.

[laughing] How does
that make you feel?

- [Mike] Frank?

- Yeah?

- [Mike] Hey, can you
put Dr. F on for a sec?

- Sure thing,
Clay, it's for you.

- Oh, thank you.

Hello.

- [Mike] Did you get
the potato cakes?

- Yeah, I did, uh, and
listen, there was a meal deal,

so I got two beef
and Swiss, and I know

I'm not gonna eat 'em both, so--

- [Mike] Would you
never mind about that?

Get the, all right, hold on.

- [Tom] Clay, this is Tom,
listen very carefully.

Did you get the Deputy
Dog collector's glass?

- [Mike] Would you
get outta here?

Clay, take out the potato
cake and unwrap it.

- Right, okay.

- [Mike] Don't eat
it, don't eat it!

Break it in half.

- Okay.

- [Mike] Don't
burn your fingers.

- No.

- [Mike] Okay, now waft
the odor towards Frank.

- Time to die.

[laughing]

Well, Mike, Dr. Forrester's
about to make a mess of himself.

Say, is that potato
cake I smell?

- That's right,
Frank, that's right.

There we go.

Go get it, that's right.

Well, I think I have everything
under control down here.

Carry on.

- Oh boy, I wonder if
Forrester's planning
on killing Frank.

- Well, I could call
Huggy Bear and find out.

I better call Huggy
Bear and find out.

- You're not gonna call
Huggy Bear and find out.

Come on, now, we've
gotta read a letter.

I have a nice one here
from Victoria Miller.

- Hi, Vicky!

- Put the picture up on still
store, would you, Cambot?

Okay, and she says, dear
Mike, Tom and Crow, you guys.

- And Gypsy.

- I did a science, yeah, right.

I did a science project
on how different levels

of gravitational force
effects wheat seedlings.

- Oh, how exciting.

- Wheat, wheat.

- My science project
went all the way to

the International Science
and Engineering Fair,

where I won the first place
Army and Air Force Award

for Botany.

- I hope she got it back.

- They think I have the best
botany project in the world.

I also won the first
place NASA award.

- Geez, smug, aren't ya?
- How hard can that be?

- If you're so smart,
how come you didn't

come up with the
idea for Speed, eh?

- That's a good point, you know.

The bus not going
under 55 miles an hour,

if you were really smart
you would've, yeah.

Nice letter though,
that's right.

I hope you weren't too hard
on Frank, Dr. Forrester.

- No, no.

In fact, Frank should be done
deep frying just about now.

- [Frank] There, I'm
deep fried, we're even.

Now give me a hug.

[mellow music]

- Dirk?

No, that can't be Dirk.

Uh-uh, no, that's not Dirk.

No.

- [Announcer] This has
been a presentation

from Comedy Central.