Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 7, Episode 4 - Zombie Nightmare - full transcript

THEME SONG: In the not too
distant future, way down

in Deep 13, Dr.
Forrester and TV's Frank

were hatching an evil scheme.

They hired a temp
by the name of Mike,

just a regular they didn't like.

Their experiment needed
a good test case,

so they conked him on the noggin
and they shot him into space.

Get me down!

We'll send him cheesy movies,
the worst we can find.

He'll have to sit
and watch them all,

and we'll monitor his mind.

Now, keep in mind,
Mike can't control

where the movies begin or end.

He'll try to keep his sanity
with the help of his robot

friends.

Robot roll call-- Cambot.

Show yourself!

Gypsy.

I'm not ready.

Tom Servo.

Hello there.

Crow.

That's one "o."

If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes

and other science facts,
just repeat to yourself,

it's just a show.

I should really just relax for
"Mystery Science Theater 3000."

-Sector four clear.

Platform secure for traveler.

Proceed.

-Hi, everyone.

Mike Nelson here.

The robots think there's been
some sort of infiltration

on the Satellite of Love.

And they think I need
round-the-clock protection.

Personally, I--

-Go!
Get down!

-Get down!

Get him!

-[GROANS] Guys!

There's no assassin up here,
and I don't need protection.

-Now, where's Gypsy?

-Security risk, Mike.

-We had to deal with her.

-Go to sector five!

Go!

-Get him!

-[GROANS]

-Stay down!

-Get down!

Down, down, down!

-Guys.

We'll be right back.

[SHOUTING]

-Foot!

What?

Head!

[SHOUTING]

-Well, anyway, I
think it's sweet

that you guys would
take a bullet for me.

-Take a bullet?

-Yeah, from the assassin.

-An assassin?

Oh, my God.

Are we in danger?

We could be killed!

-Oh, geez!

-Mommy, mommy.

-Ah, Mikey.

Botsyboos.

Say, you know what
TV's Frank and I

have been getting into a lately?

Hmm?

Voodoo.

Yes.

It's a safe, economical way
to inflict evil on the world.

-And it's fun, too.

-You may have
noticed we've already

used the umbilicus to send
you a little voodoo kit.

two words of advice-- en-joy.

-Hmm.

Well, now, it says here that if
you sprinkle this dust on one

of the dolls, you can imbue
it with the spirit of whoever

you proclaim it to be, you know.

I think we'll lose
the pins, though.

-Yeah.

-Let's see if we
can't use voodoo

to do something nice for people.

Hey, Crow, who would you like
to do something nice for?

-Um, Jimmy Carter.

-Oh, good.

-I've always liked
the man, and I

think he got dumped on too much.

-Mmhmm.

-I think he deserves a hug.

-Oh, Lord.

Jimmy Carter.

-Here you go, Mr. Carter.

-Aw.

-Jimmo.

-Now, you know who
I've always wanted

to do something nice for?

Huh?

Ron Hodie.

-Oh.

Who?

-I went to high school with him.

Nice guy, but good grooming--
not one of his strong points.

He's probably going into
a meeting right down

and his hairs all mussed up.

So I'll just smooth
it back for him.

-Yeah, that's nice.

-There you go, Ron.
Enjoy.

-Aw.

-You know, Mike, I'm just
going to come right out

and say something I've
always wanted to say to you.

I think you should give Cokie
Roberts a scalp massage.

-I think you're right.

-Yeah.

Oh, and "All Things
Considered" is on right now.

Let' check it out.

-Well.

-Thank you, Senator.

This is Cokie Roberts, and
you're listening to-- oh.

Oh!

Oh, that feels good!

Oh, that's just what I need!

Oh.

-I think I should--

-I'm in heaven!

-Maybe that's enough.

-Yeah.

-Well, the whole
voodoo motif continues

with this week's experiment.

It's from the mid-80s,
and it's-- hey.

[LAUGHING]

-Huh?

What?

-It's-- hey.

[CACKLING]

-Ah, perfect.

[LAUGHING]

-It's called "Zombie Nightmare,"
and it stars Adam West and--

[ALARM]

[SINGING]

-Oh, we've got movie time!

-(SINGING) You do that voodoo.

Huh look, Lisa Bonet
on any given day.

-Is that her hope chest?

It's where she keeps meat loaf.

-[CHANTS]

-Honey, time to get up.

You've got a civics
test this morning.

-Oh, no, he's gone over.

-Bleck. [SNIFFS]

-She should pack some more
foam peanuts around him.

-No, these guys come
packed like this.

But just try getting
'em back in the box.

-Here, try some chaps.

-[CHANTS]

-Shalimar for me.

-Wow.

Danny Bondaduce on
any given morning.

-[GRUNTS] [GURGLES]

-[ROARS]

-Oh!

-Yeah, I know.

I know.

-Cool.

Oh, this is from the
new Sinatra album.

-Heh, every zombie
nightmare I have I'm

naked at a hockey game.

-Do zombies ever try to
analyze their nightmares?

-Is this the
information superhighway

that I've heard them
talk so much about?

-Yeah.

-Oh, goody.

-I don't think fingerprints
are actually labeled like this.

-And Tia Carrere-- we may
have to pay attention.

-[GNAWING_NOISE]

-Manuska.

Oh, that's my manicurist.

-Oh, what a ditz.

Dietiz.

Ha.

Ha.

-Man, I wish I could
understand the lyrics.

-Well, maybe it's for
the young generation.

They have so much to say.

-Oh, Motorhead.

I have their new collection
of Cole Porter tunes.

-Uh, that's Woman School.

-Oh, I think Thor is fabulous.

-Oh, Deathmask.

They played at my parents'
anniversary party.

-Really?

And I saw Fist when they
opened for Bad Finger.

-The ace of spades

-These young men sound so angry.

-Oh, yes, listen to them.

Young people have a lot to
say through their music.

-Ah, he's going to lose.

-Eh.

OK, so he's mad
because he's losing,

yet that's the way he likes it?

-Well, then
everything works out.

-Hmm.

-Oh, Mariner's opening day.

-All right, pick it up.

Pick it up.

-Pride of the zombies.

-You know, if you've got
a zombie on the team,

you've got to play
him in right field.

-Yeah.

Larry Mondello as the Babe.

-Shortstop, throw to
second, double play.

Pick it up.

Pick it up.

-Unchain me.

-Here we go, a little pop up.

-Oh, oh, my allergies.

I shouldn't be outside.

Oh, I caught it.

-Yay, Dad!

That's great!

-Jackie Vernon, hitting
a little fungal.

-You're the best.

-Third base, a little pop up.

-That's the best I ever seen.

-Yeah, well, you're five, OK?

-Zombies look OK this year.

With just a little
pitching work they could--

-James Earl Ray in back there?

-Please rain so I can leave.

-The teenage Andy Capp.

-The hell is she doing here?

-The hell are we doing here?

-Hmm.

Oh, I see an open back seat.

I think I'll move down there.

-OK, third base, that's yours.

-Third base.

-Come on, let's
go have some fun.

-All right, shortstop,
high grounder.

-Toughskins.

-All right, pick it up.

Pick it up.

-[LAUGHS] Tickle Patrol.

He he.

-Marcia Wallace in the stands
today, and here's George Wedge.

He's batting 210.

-Well, hi, there.

Who are you?

Sure, I'll take you home.

-Holy cow, that's a big family.

-Oh, you know, chunky
guys attract people.

That's a known given fact.

-He's husky.

-Hear that?

The doctor found Lady Macbeth
wandering in the halls

to assuage her guilt.

-Well, I'm sure
strolling at Howard Beach

won't be a problem.

-No, you can't be
a junior G-Man.

I'm a wise guy, eh.

Ya palooka, why I oughta.

-Nathan, quit hitting me.

-Hey, want to see some sumac?

The long walk home.

-Actually, it is.

-I'll walk down
Certain Doom Lane.

-[HUMS]

---has just walked into
the wrong neighborhood.

-I do believe
you're right, Miss--

-This would never
happen nowadays.

-If you're going to come
into my neighborhood,

you got to pay the toll.

-Yeah, relax, babe, you're
going to enjoy this.

-Help!

Somebody help me!

-Son, go rescue her.

-Tony, stay with mommy.

-Uh, excuse me, boys.

What's going on here?

-Relax, it's cool, man.

-We're only having
some fun, old man.

You want us to cut it out,
then we'll cut you out.

-Oh, clever.

-Fight choreography
by Dom Deluise.

-I'll go start dinner.

-Boy, she can nap anywhere.

-I'm husky!

-My wig hurts.

-Bill, is she OK?

-I think so.

-This is like Dickens's
view of the suburbs.

[SCREAMING]

-Ooo, yuck.

Bill!

Bill!

-I'm hungry.

-Get off her, you're
going to kill her!

-A young Joe Pepitone
ponders his fate.

-Great, I joined the Big Brother
program for one day and-- ugh.

-Eddie Van Halen!

-No, it's Valerie Bertinelli.

-Ew.

-(SINGING) A small town
girl on a Saturday night.

-Ah, dyslexia strikes
the scoreboard industry.

Wait, that's not dyslexia.

Park Harpell-- that's
Canadian English.

This is Canada.

-Cool.

What do you know.?

-Gah, everybody move.

Come on.

-His hair's bouncing
and behaving.

-Bleh.

He's got a gland problem.

-The Giants win the pennant!

The Giants win the pennant!

The Giants win the pennant!

The Giants win the pennant!

-Now just let him get to first.

He never gets to first.

His parents are here.

-Oh.

Oh, my God.

-Geez.

-I don't want to see this.

-Actually, it was a nice reveal.

-Oh, ever since
Dad got murdered,

things have been great.

-I like the ting sound.

-OK, lady, we need our payments.

-Hey, Mom, we won.

That's nice, son.

You forgot the groceries.

-I'm too dreamy to
remember groceries.

-Sorry, Mom.

-Mom, get off the
neighbor's porch.

-Take a jacket. it
looks like rain.

-OK.

Thanks, Mom.

I'll be back soon.

-And Son, cover the nipples.

The neighbors have
been complaining.

-God, he's beautiful.

-Ah, the Club Jobless.

Disco's back and
hotter than ever.

-Dear God, I never wanted
to see this era again.

Hide me.

-It's a sensible rave.

-Office temps cut loose.

-Took my real estate
exam yesterday.

Really, that's so fascinating.

-Did you see Denise
did at work today?

She jammed up the copier again.

-Steve is such a kiss-up.

And I think he's taking
paper clips home.

-You know, Mike, right, this is
either American 10 years ago,

or Canada today.

-Ouch.

-What is this, Deathmask
featuring Olivia Newton John?

-Oh, look over there, the
ugly reader editorial board.

-OK, key of A. Everyone,
wait for the beat.

-Uh-oh.

-If that's Leif
Garrett, I am leaving.

-Me too.

-OK, so then Fonz comes
in and he goes, eh.

-Excuse me, kids, but
could the noise down.

-I'm trying to score here, OK?

-Keep it down, man.

Why don't you find someone else
to stick, while you still can.

-Huh?

-You know, Tom, as
your parole officer,

I need to caution
you about that, sir.

-What?

Yeah, my hair's frosted.

What about it?

-Oh, wait, come back.

Why do I always lash out?

He kind of looks like
Michelle Pfeiffer.

-Oh, OK then.

Where was I?

Leather Tuscanio came in
with Nazi and Ralph Mouth.

-Eh!

-Eh!

-These young life weekends
are getting out of hand.

-Now, what have we got here?

I didn't know elementary
schools were on vacations.

-Duh.

-Uh, real tough guy.

-It takes a man to wear
Farah Fawcett hair.

-Just one.

Pay the check, man, and let's
get the hell out of here.

-See, he's got a
vulnerable side.

-OK, now you all come
back here real soon--

when you're over 21.

-Well, man, I wouldn't come
back to this hole if I was 41.

What a brilliant, bold move.

-Very witty.

Mentos, the fresh maker.

-Wait, there's Tia Carrere.

-There she is.

-It's Tia!

Tia!

Tia Hey, whoa.

Whoa.

-[SINGS] (SINGING)
St. Elmo's fire.

-Don't.

Do you think this speaks
for a whole generation,

like "Reality Bites"?

-"The Big Chill"?

-Yeah, well, what would you
know about parents, inbreed?

-I know your mother.

-Oh, you know my mom?

-I feel so left out.

-OK, OK, cut it out right now.

Hey!

The night is young
and so are we.

So let's get totally
tanked up, go down

to the dance at Lincoln.

Then we'll pick up
some sleazy chicks.

-Aim high.

-Thanks a lot, pinhead.

-I meant them, baby.

I've got my sleazy chick.

-He always knows
just what to say.

-You know, this is
how my folks met.

-Let's go to Perkins, woo!

-Oh, they're shining,
sleazy chicks.

-You're listening
to the Light FM.

And now, here's FIST.

Lick your voices?

-Oh, it's really loud in back.

-Well, let's just go home.

-I don't know, usually
this neighborhood

is crawling with sleazy chicks.

-Oh, why must they scream so?

-Oh, that's rage, honey.

-There you go, Joe
Weider's protein blast.

-Have you got the provolone?

-I don't, but I forget how
much your mama like provolone.

-Big 7-Eleven item, provolone.

-How is the new job working out?

-It's not bad, sir.

Except they want
me to cut my hair.

-And they want you to bathe.

-Don't.

You cut the hair, you
lose the strike, no?

-Just pack the groceries, pop.

-Anything else?

-Oh, some body oil.

-Wait, I forgot my wheat germ.

-Ah.

Right in the back on the left.

-Next to the
dessicated liver pills.

-Synthesizer signals suspense.

-Oh, looks like a
run on wheat germ.

-[MAKES_SYNTHESIZER_NOISE]

-Oh, God, did you see
where he pulled it from?

-Oh, no.

-I'm the NRA.

-All right, hand
over the Toblerone.

-What do you want?

-Ew, it's stuck in
his hinder-holster.

-Do you accept these?

-All your money, sucker!

-Mama mia.

-What has that been?

-Are you hiring right now?

-What's that?

-Go check it out.

-You want to try a
sample of Tony's pizza?

Oh, let's see-- night crawlers,
leeches, sucker minnows,

bobbers on sale!

Hey!

-[YELPS]

-Phil!

Phil, what the hell is
going on back there!

Courtesy boy on two, please.

-Phil!

-And three and four
and jazz hands-- pop!

-Watch it.

-I don't understand retail.

Oh!

-Oh, nice use of his area.

-Can you get the door for me.

Thanks.

I'm going to show the
world your butt crack!

-Ew.

-Get back to the
sewer, dirt bag.

-[TARAZAN_NOISE]

-Hey, what's going on, guys?

Oh!

-And you too!

Get out of here!

-Bow down to my nipples.

Oh, great.

Now they're closed.

-Oh, dear God.

Well, paper or plastic?

-Hey, how come
there's no pictures

of Italians on the wall?

-You're a good boy, Tony.

Your papa would be proud of you.

-But you need to pay your tab.

-What do I owe you?

-Give my best to your mama, huh?

-And take an air freshener.

Grazie.

Grazie, Tony.

Grazie.

-Yeah, Prego, whatever.

-It would be fun to
open a convenience

store-- what the
hell was I thinking?

-(SINGING) They say the neon
lights are bright on Winnipeg.

[SINGING]

-They're missing the
forest for the trees

in this whole
sleazy chick thing.

-Oh, I forgot tampons.

Well, I'm probably
OK for tonight.

-Ah, an actor
conveys chilliness.

-You know, maybe they
should pay attention

to the message of the song.

Bodybuilder by day,
Trappist monk by night.

-Oh, guys, I just realized,
he put the groceries

in with his jock strap.

-Ew.

[GAGGING]

-Searching three provinces
for sleazy chicks.

-I had no idea Canada
was this much fun!

-Uh-oh.

Don't worry, his area
will protect him.

Oh, maybe not.

-Wow.

[SHOUTING]

-I think we hit a moose.

Come on, turn the tape over!

[HUMS] When bad things
happen to beefy guys.

-Hey, Tony, I'm
being robbed again.

Could you--

-(SINGING) There's a dead hunk
in the middle of the road.

Dead boy.

-Tony, who could have
done this terrible thing.

Please, please help me.

-Hi.

I'm a Samaritan.
can I do anything?

-Tony.

Oh.

-Geez, it's Tony!

-Why, I'd know that
batch anywhere.

-I think he is--

-What happened?

What happened, Mr. Peters?

-Peters?

-Hank Peters, Italian grocer.

-[COUGHS]

-(SINGING) When your car hits
a guy and his body goes fly,

that's a dead guy.

-My boy!

-Tonight, on
"Double-Wide Hospital."

-My boy!

-That's the Canadian
health care system.

Bush warned us about this.

-I'm sorry, Louise.

It happened so fast, I
never see who did it.

-So, you want him in the garage?

-[CRIES]

-If you hadn't sent him for
groceries, he'd be alive.

Well, anyway.

-There's nothing we
can do for him now.

Let me call for the police.

-Oh, he never paid
for the provolone.

-No.

They aren't going
to get away this.

They're not going to
do it to me again.

-Housewife vigilante.

-They're not going to take
my son and get away with it.

-But Louise--

-Quiet, Hank!

-Geez, her son dies,
she gets really bossy.

Wow.

Do you know Molly Mokembe?

-Sure, she did my color chart.

-Not really, ma'am.

Louise what do you want
with that crazy Haitian.

-Never mind, Hank.

Earl, run over to
Molly Mokembe's house.

Bring her back here right away.

-Sure, Mrs. Washington.

Come with me, Jimmy.

-Yeah, sure.

-OK if we stop at the roadhouse
for a couple of brewtowskis

first?

-Anybody think about
resuscitating Tony, or not,

or--

-Reverse!

Put it in reverse!

-What do you want from
that crazy old bat?

Hmm?

-A favor.

She owes me one.

-That's an odd nativity scene.

-(SINGING) All the
leaves are brown.

-(SINGING) The leaves are brown.

-(SINGING) And the
skies are gray.

-(SINGING) And the
skies are gray.

-OK, so who's going
to carpool tomorrow?

-It's just like
a separate piece,

except they didn't leave
a dead guy in the street.

-Well, I mean, like, who cares.

He was just another one of them.

-Right.

Screw him.

He's not talking
anyway, so, uh, who's

going to come
looking for us, huh?

[KNOCKING]

-Hey, we're doing
a scene out here.

-Are you OK?

What's the matter?

-This Kansas song
just makes me so sad.

-Feeling bad, huh?

Need a hug?

-No.

No, man.

I kind of liked it.

-He always finds the
bright side of everything.

-You know, just taking
his life like that.

Snuffing out that big candle.

-Oh, he's waxing philosophical.

-Splat.

-He needs a [INAUDIBLE].

-He didn't look so tall when
I got through with him, man.

Christ.

It was so easy.

-Well, neat.

-And there's nothing
he can do about it.

-Well, he could become
a zombie and haunt

you the rest of your life.

-I want to go home.

-Gah!

[COUGHS] Wow.

[GROANS] [YELPS]

-Huh.

Could have sworn
I hit something.

Oh well.

-Anyway, I should mosey
back to the grocery store.

-Good thing she got a
full size picnic table.

-Tina Turner brought
some hot dish.

-Molly.

-My son's dead.

What's new with you.

-Molly, it's been too long.

-It's a freak out.

-My son.

-Andrea Martin is in mourning.

-I know.

I know.

-I never do anything
nice and easy.

(SINGING) I took
a job in the city!

-Louise, what is this?

-I'm trying to work
here, excuse me.

-Quite un believer.

-I'm not an unbeliever,
I'm an agnostic.

-She knows that old Molly
Mokembe can give her--

-Use your words.

-What you police can not.

-She must be from Newfoundland.

-Vengeance for her son's death.

-What about Van Johnson?

Did you catch that?

-Now.

-Hey, hoser, take off.

-Me?

-Yes, you.

You go to Mr. Cabretti's house.

-Is she half she-e-ep?

-Tell him I need blood
from a live animal.

-And the lime and the coconut.

-Am I over-doing this?

-Hurry.

-Zombie interns.

-[INAUDIBLE] TomTom Makuts?

-Mr. Hurley.

-Mr. Peters, Mr. Hurley.

Mr. Hurley, Mr. Peters.

-Tonight I will need your help.

-I am moving my sofa, and--

-And what you see and
hear you must never

tell any living soul.

Not that-- that they
would ever believe you.

-You know, come to
think of it, Molly,

we'll just go for a
traditional funeral.

-They called Sly Stone.

-No, it's Rasta, the
kooky dread clown.

-You must understand what I do.

-I don't work
weekends, and I only

create zombies during
business hours.

-I cannot bring life
back to your boy.

-Not for the kind of
prices we're talking about.

-I can--

-Give you a coupon
for next time.

And may God bless.

Good night.

--hold him in this plain--

-Sure, fine, whatever.

---until his death
has been avenged.

-How will he know?

-He will be in a state
between life and death.

-There may be some discharge.

-And the image of his killers--

-The age of Aquarius.

---the last fleeting second
before the end of his life--

-Right, right.

---is burned--

-She's got pretty eyes.

-What the.

---into his soul like a brand.

-And this is going
to run me, uh, what?

Got a chill there.

-He knows who has
done this to him.

-Yeah, man.

Para-sail, jet-ski,
best in the island.

-And tonight we
will have revenge.

Now stand back

-For Dutch masters!

-Think it's going to rain?

-Be not an exact science.

-Oh she's back-pedaling.

-We take the blood
of this animal

and the hair of this boy.

-Wow, look at all the candles.

What'd they do, loot a Pier 1?

-Well, this so much better
than the intensive care

unit at the hospital.

-Yeah, what could they do?

-Wow, a short!

Sorry.

-The steady hand of
the wunderworld--

-You wascally wabbit.

---who will come this night to
take your soul to a dark place.

-By the way, Tony wasn't
a donor, was he, mon?

-Rise again, young warrior--

-Boy, ever since Vatican
II they've really l--

---and feel again the warmth--

-I don't want to
feel again the worm!

---and light.

To a bright place.

-I just have a much
different image of Canada.

-Rise--

-Now, look, maybe this kind
of stuff goes over in Vegas.

---and avenge thyself!

-I've just got to pee.

-What stage of grieving is this?

-It's the goofy stage.

-I guess so.

-Voodoo stuff here,
voodoo stuff there.

Throw in a little Crystal Lite.

-[CHANTS]

-She's so good she doesn't
follow any recipes.

A pinch here, a pinch there,
he's a zombie, who cares?

-Oh, hope the
lawn's not too dry.

-Ace Frehley has this
same kind of business now.

-Does he?

-Hello?

What am I, alone in here?

People, this is voodoo!

-In the words of David
Steinberg, booga booga.

The master voodoo,
master of the age.

-Oh, she's probably
Missouri Senate.

They're really
hardcore like this.

-Whew.
-Hey.

I'm in here.

-So, does Molly care this
crate around with her?

Or does that-- how does
that-- I don't get it.

-Watch, next to the power
goes out, no candles.

-Ooh, and then come baaaack
to the-- this guy's dead,

what the hell?

-[CHANTS]

-OK, now I'm going
to need a volunteer

from the audience, mon.

-And you are completely dead,
sir, am I right about that?

-I'm in over my head here.

-Eh, what you've got
here is a dead man.

So I'm going to have to take
him into the shop overnight.

Didn't know the main
rod was thrown either.

-She's resurrecting Neil Young.

-[CHANTS]

-Holy buckets, it's working!

-I was supposed to get milk,
wheat germ-- what else?

-[CHANTS]

-[ROARS]

-Why you wake me
up so early, Ma?

-[GASPS]

-There it is.

Thank you.

Maybe this wasn't
such a good idea.

-[ROARS]

-The early morning
call to voodoo.

-[YAWNS]

-Oh, so the zombie settled
down, got himself a job.

-What's up?

Way to put the fridge
in the hallway, Ma.

-Well, good morning to you.

-Mom, I just killed a guy.

Give me a break.

-And, uh, just what time
did you get in last night?

As if I didn't know from
the racket that you made.

And where's your father's car?

Or did you wreck that one, too?

-The Anne Mira of Canada.

-Huh?

You know, just because
your father's company

leases the damn
things doesn't mean

that you can go driving
them in to telephone poles.

Are you deaf, or just dumb?

-Hmm?

Hmm.

-You are disgusting.

You're not going to get
to your next birthday

if you don't get
your act together.

-Up yours.

-What did you say, you
disrespectful punk?

[SCREAMS]

-Oh, didn't stick.

Must not be done.

-Mm-mm.

-Ah, the drama of
the gifted child.

-Oh, and, mom, have a nice day.

-I should have him killed.

-They live at Marcus
Welby's house?

-Oh darn, I left
the car radio on.

-First you kill a
guy, then you're

throwing pasta a your mom.

What next?

-Where does it end?

-(SINGING) Need to go
buy some more vermicelli.

Wow, he's a rebel.

Look at him cross
that center line.

-The ghetto of
Pleasant Valley Acres.

-OK, well, let's go then.

-It's the Kids in the Hall.

-Welcome to Landfill Junction.

-Let's follow our hero as he
heads down to Payless Shoes.

-Yeah.

Hey.

You're number one there, man.

Well, come on, let's go.

-Yeah, I guess they want
us to go, so let's go.

-I'd go if you'd
stop singing already.

-I-- I-- I think we're
not supposed to go.

-Oh.

-It says let's go.

Oh, no, I guess not.

-So, apparently the director of
photography went for a drive.

-Say what you will,
he's a cautious driver

who maintains an
adequate space cushion.

-Oh, and he drives defensively
and at a moderate speed.

-Woo!

-Not the Twist and Cream!

-That's creme.

-Oh.

-Creme, not "khreme."

-The plot is furthered
by a good parking space.

-It's Tommy Stinson.

-Yeah, only heavier.

-Good morning, killers.

-Threw spaghetti
at my mom today.

-Keep it down, you jerk.

-Hey, where's your dad's car?

-Well, it, uh-- it
seems I picked up

a little front-end
damage somewhere.

So I, uh, dropped it off
in my cousin's garage.

-Hey, they're opening
a new Twist and Creme.

-Guys, I think we lucked out.

-Nothing in the papers?

-Not a word in the papers.

Or on the radio.

Nothing about our little
nocturnal adventure.

-Ew.
-Ew.

-Ew.

-Maybe he's not dead.

Maybe he just went
home or something.

-Are you kidding?

When Jimbo wastes
them, they stay wasted.

-Hey, that's a good slogan.

-Yeah, Jim's right--
deranged but right.

-He's the funny one.

-Yeah, that guy didn't do
any walking last night.

-Hey, Jim, uh, was wondering,
where are your dad's wheels?

-As I was telling
rocket brain here,

I ditched the death
mobile a my cousin's.

-Excuse me, I have to become
even more unappealing.

-Well, I'd love to, uh, sit and
chat with the brain trust here,

but I think I'll order myself
some breasts and thighs.

-Ugh.

-So why is he the leader?

-I don't think-- eh.

-What an ass.

-This one-- prototype
for Richard Carpenter.

-Well, at least he
got rid of the car.

The last thing we
need is attention.

-Jesus.

-I could think of
something we need now.

-A hot fudge brownie delight.

-Hey, this is my wrist.

-Oh, damn, I need to
get to the academy.

Mrs. Goldstein's
coming in at 3 o'clock.

Are you coming?

-Academy

-Not quite, but
the day is young.

-I think that was
a single entendre.

-Excuse me.

-Come on, Mags,
I promise, you've

never seen anything like it.

-It's a stamp from Indonesia!

-Look, Jim, I
prefer men with ones

that can be seen without the
aid of an electron microscope.

-Ones?

-Thinking.

Thinking.

-That's all right, baby.

I'll make you beg for it.

-Wow, got her back
with that one, mister.

Wow.

-Oh, Garrison Keillor laughing.

-What?

What?

-In cars.

-Wow, Mrs. Goldstein.

[WHISTLES]

-Is she playing
tennis with Kraftwerk?

Live the active lifestyle.

-Not so hard.

Oh, now--now my shoelaces.

Do you have my
puffer, because I--

I'm just going to let you win.

Sucked.

-But why now?

I'm having hard enough time.

-She's got 30 pounds on him.

-Yes, go swimming, play tennis,
enjoy the active lifestyle

in your new hair.

-ESPN at 3:00 AM.

-Taste me steel, please.

-Yeah, pretty much.

Yeah, that's me.

-Did we accidentally switch
to a different movie?

-So, how does this
further the plot?

-How does this further the game
of tennis, for that matter?

-Oh, Mrs. Tennis Lady,
don't take off the thing.

-Wow.

-Oh, no, don't, lady.

-Yes, not since the
eating scene in Tom Jones

has a movie been so
rife with sensuality.

-And the score is love-love.

-Ladies and gentlemen,
Frederick Douglass.

-Is that you, Pete?

-Yeah.

Yeah, it's me, Joe.

I'll lock up. -

-OK, man.

See you tomorrow.

-All right.

-Basically I'll lock up
the town's largest tennis--

-So many women tennis players
wish they were that guy.

-A voodoo ceremony for
that guy's backhand.

-Here's to your new life.

Mazel tov.

-This one makes me laugh.

Ha ha.

-Oh, God, I love candles.

-That one, he's not
afraid of silence.

-Nope, doesn't always have
to be talking, you know.

-Mm-mm.

-[SNIFFS] Yuck.

[CLANG]

-Ah!

Meanwhile at Anoka
Ramsey Technical College.

-Must register for semester.

-The dead zone is for
loading and unloading only.

[CLANG]

-Wow, stop it.

-You know, if you're
a zombie, you really

don't want to
over-schedule, because you

can't move that fast.

-Because you're a zombie.

-Yeah.

-Hmm.

I see.

[PING]

-Oh, dammit.

Radiator.

-Wow, John Cage
on the soundtrack.

-They're closed.

-Hmm?

Oh, no.

No.

-Oh, boy.

-Oh, he put on a skort.

-I beg you to think this over.

-Turn back.

-No.

-It's not too late.

-Oh.

No, no, no, no.

-No.

-No.

No.

-He's wearing jockey for her!

Ah!

-You're supposed
to shower first!

-Or at least rinse
out your jockeys.

Ew.

-Ew.

Fungus and thing.

-Oh, and he's sucking
up bathtub water!

Oh!

-I know my locker's around
here somewhere, now where?

Is it that one?

-Enya.

-Sorry, got a cramp.

I can't get up.

-Can we turn on the
fuzzy bubbles, please?

-God, he's touching me.

I specifically have no-touch
clause in my contract.

-[LAUGHS]

[CLANG]

-What was that?

-What was what?

-I thought I heard something
in the locker room.

-Oh, come on.

There's nobody here.

It's probably just old Joe
trying to sneak a peek of you.

He's a horny old guy.

-Oh, please, just
for me, just go see.

I swear to God I
heard something.

-There's nobody else here.

The place is locked up.

-Please.

-Hey, she's got her
hair on sideways.

-There was a noise,
I'm telling please go.

-All right.

-[WRETCHES]

-Oh, he just had to
get that in, didn't he.

-No, no, no!

-No!

-No!

[SHOUTING]

-Hate that.

-See, look, I told you,
there's nobody here.

-[ROARS]

-[SCREAMS]

-Oh, zombie chiropractor.

Oh, thank you.

-Pool cleaner, ma'am.

pH check and I'll
be out of your way.

[SPLASH]

-There goes a great
tennis player.

-[GROWLS]

-Wedgie!

-[SCREAMS]

-Oh, excuse me, but the
dead don't tread water.

-George Romero's
"Casey at the Bat."

-[SCREAMS]

-She must have studied
under Jamie Lee Curtis.

-[SCREAMS]

-Eh, hang on.

Oh, my ankle.

Ow.

-[SCREAMS]

-"Grady," this fall on NBC.

-Hey, Fred.

-Look at that.

-She's briskly jogging from him.

-You know, he did kill
that creep for her.

She could thank him, at least.

-Hey, it's your typical
free week at the Y.

-Hey, come on back and
shag some flies for me.

-Don't use the exit.

-Come on, we need a
short center fielder.

-Oh, zombie never
could hit a curve.

-You know, John Goodman
on Hume Cronin's back

could outrun this guy.

-Oh, no, her bra strap broke.

-What next?

-[SCREAMS]

-OK, OK, I'm giving
you a head start.

-(SINGING) Woke up,
fell out of bed,

dragged the comb across my head.

-(SINGING) Found my
way down the stairs.

-What's going to happen?

I-- oh.

-(SINGING) Touchdown in the
land of the Delta blues,

in the middle of
the pouring rain.

-Oh, wonderful.

-Yeah.

-Hey, thanks for that back rub.

-Water feels great.

-Yeah, hardly feel
those injuries

I sustained when
you ran me over.

-[LAUGHS] Let me just
say, I am totally relaxed.

-[GIGGLES] Servo,
stop that! [GIGGLES]

-What?
What, Crow?

What?
Huh?

What?

-Stop it, you nutty nut nut.

-Crow, I'm not doing anything.

[SCREAMING]

[SPITTING]

-Hey, guys.

[SCREAMING]

-Dinner?

[SCREAMING]

[ALARM]

-Where'd you get the fish?

-I got it--

-Hey, Conan O'Brien.

-We didn't do it.

-Another unruly crowd.

-Frank.

-Yeah?

Forensic's just about finished.

The ME wants to see you inside.

-What did I do?

-Great.

-Fine, everybody dump on me.

-Look, uh, keep an eye on
my star witness here, OK?

-Say, officer, can I go now?

-Uh, soon.

I've got a few more questions.

-Can I have a Tahitian treat?

-Poor guy.

-Hmm.

Yep, yep, this is
the scene they always

show on "That's Hollywood,"
with Tom Bosley.

-Beautiful.

Beautiful.

-That's Bosley.

-Now let's get one
of you with the body.

-Wishful thinking, doc?

-Ah, Frank.

Nice to see you could
make it to the clambake.

-Are you talking to the Penguin?

-Oh, what the hell Else?
would I be doing at 3

o'clock in the morning?

-I don't want to know.

-See your boys in white
are moving right along.

-Well, you've probably noticed
the lovely lady on her way out.

-Now the boys are
trying to fish lover-boy

out of the swimming
pool full of blood.

-Uh, about your voice.

-You get anything out
of the good old Joe?

-Oh, old Joe is a wealth
of useful information.

-Yeah?

-Do you know how many times they
refinish the floors in here?

-[LAUGHS]

-[LAUGHS]

-According to Joe, nobody
came in, no one could get in.

Now, bodies A and B stayed late
for a post-game celebration,

as was their habit.

Old Joe was sleeping like a
baby, never heard a thing.

-So who put the 12-year-old
in charge of the investigation

here?

-So what do you
think, double suicide?

-No thanks.

-Oh, sure, sure.

Lover-boy smashes her head
in with the baseball bat,

then snaps his own neck
with his bare hands

and throws himself in
the pool out of remorse.

-Well, you're the tailor.

-Bare hands?

From the looks of it, yeah.

-Boy, police work
is really hard.

-So unless old Joe is
secretly pumping iron--

-You're looking for one
large, angry person.

-Maybe I am looking
for someone like that,

but I don't think
I'll ever find him.

-Don't touch me.

-I guess I'll need more
tape than I thought.

[MUSIC BLARING]

-Geez.

Maybe he should put the speakers
on the inside of his car.

-Hey, threw meat
loaf at my mom today.

-I'm going to be involved
with a Sagittarius this week.

-Two teens overdose
on angel dust?

-What is up with Mark Trail?

-Peter never did any dust, man.

-He was a crack head.

-What's going on?

-Are they really dead?

I--I don't believe it's them.

There must be some mistake.

-Yeah. yes, they're really dead.

-Where's our order?

-Man, what is so funny?

-Did you see Russell
Baker's column this morning?

-It's great, man.

He killed them.

-What are you talking about?

-That big goon we
flattened the other night.

I guess we didn't finish
the job after all.

-Oh, my God.

-Suddenly the Twist and Creme
seemed a much darker place.

-Psycho might be right.

-I thought you said
no one knew it was us.

I thought you said
that no one saw us.

-Calm down.

-I'm sorry I was thinking again.

-Just go in the car, all right?

I'll be with you in a minute.

-Go to the car.

Bring your Dilly Bar
to the car, honey.

-I should have
joined the PGA tour.

-She's a tough broad, man.

-Forget her.

What are we going to do
about our big friend?

-Or friends, man.

I say let 'em come.

-I'll throw pasta at 'em.

-I, uh, just might
scalp me a few.

-Christ, man, put
that thing away.

Someone killed Peter and Susie.

This isn't a game.

-Lay off me, man.

-I just want you to chill out.

-No way.

-Why, Jimbo?

-I'm Generation X, that's why.

-Because I'm having a good time.

-Can't you just support
me in that film?

-He should try a
more direct approach.

-Hands off me, dirt bag!

-Come on, Mags, won't
you give me a try.

-I'd never touch you, Terry.

You're dirt.

-I'm 21.

-17 is more like it, right?

-17 and a half.

-Look, you may be tough,
but I don't rob the cradle.

I'm old enough to be
your older sister.

-Besides, I've got a career.

-I like that.

I've always wanted to make
it with my older sister.

-Oh, so Canada has a South, too.

-I don't want to see you.

-OK, Friday then?

-Yeah, well, uh,
you're not going

to do any better
in this town, baby.

-No town is that small.

-I'm really sorry,
but my religion

forbids inter-species mating.

-So she's, uh, not a Unitarian?

-You're smart, aren't you?

But you'll have it,
and you will love it.

-Heh.

-No, he hasn't really
sold himself on that one.

-No.

-What are you looking at?

Eat your ice cream!

-I'm going to Dairy
Queen from now on.

-The police station--
the hot new disco.

[KNOCKING]

-What's this?

-Come in.

-Doogie Howser, detective.

-[HUMS]

-This is the report
on our double suicide.

-And my bibliography, too.

-The coroner fixes the
death at about 12:30 AM.

Brain death caused by
the cervical vertebrae

being crushed.

-I guess.

-Forensics found lots of prints
on the scene, but few of them

are clear enough to trace.

The few fingerprints
we did get all,

uh, trace back to
members of the academy--

-Whom I'd like to thank.

---employees.

We've had men checking them out.

They all seem to have
pretty good alibis

as to where they
were last night.

And I checked with
mental health to see

if they had any sizable
lunatics running around,

but, uh, they didn't have any
loose nuts to fit our needs.

-Hmm?

-Are you telling me in
your quaint way, Frank,

that we don't have any leads?

-Uh.

-Why do you hate me, sir?

-Cap, where did the
newspapers get the, uh,

drug and suicide story?

-I gave it to them.

-You gave it to them?

I don't understand.

-I was bored.

What do you want?

-Frank, this Winster boy
ran with the bad crowd--

high school kids--

-No!

---running red lights,
getting drunk--

-Wow.

---smoking marijuana,
all the usual bad stuff.

Murder's a whole new ballgame.

Till we get a line
on this killer,

I want the press to get
nothing but misinformation.

-So, business as usual?

-Otherwise they'll make
this guy a serial killer

or a goddamn vigilante savior.

-Hey.

-What about the
public's right to know?

-Hey, we're concerned with
the public's right to love.

I've spoken with the parents.

They've told me they're
going to cooperate.

The last thing I want
is for this kid's gang

to go looking for revenge.

-Yeah.

Well, whatever you say, Cap.

I've got an APB out
on any one big enough

to snap a person's neck.

That ought to clear
out, uh, half the health

clubs and all the
high school teams.

-High school teams.

[SHIVERS]

-I think you're big enough
to handle this by yourself.

-Well, I'm going
out now and buying

something anabolic steroids.

-Frank.

-Is that John too?

-Let's not have any
more high school

kids turn up dead, understand?

-Hey, how about junior
high kids, is that--

-You know, Adam worked
for scale on this film,

because he wanted to
work with this director.

-Daily meditations.

-Yo Yo Ma goes camping.

-[GIBBERISH] Pretty though.

Well.

-Good night, folks.

-Hi.

I'll have a clown
burger and some fries.

-No.

Go home.

-Your son's on back order,
won't be here till March.

-Don't look at him now.

His body's going
through many changes.

-He's at that age.

-Just be patient.

We will have revenge.

-I'll talk to the gal
in customer service.

-Damn, Klingon
language camp is full.

-God, in voodoo, you've really
got to hand-hold your clients.

Sheez.

-Man, this place
comes alive at night.

Woo.

-Oh, I see, she's off to
her corporate job now.

-This place is probably
great for tips.

-Well, I'm thinking we should
expand into chili dogs,

but I've got to seriously
consider that offer from A&W.

-Hmm, mmm, oh, ice
cream headache.

Oh.

-[GARGLES]

-She did one too
many Reddi-wip hits.

-I need a smaller tank top.

-OK, if I diversify and put
most of my liquid assets

into 30-day CDs, I [MUMBLES].

At any rate, my
dogs are barking.

-If he kills her, I'll lose
my faith in zombies forever.

-Boo.

-You know, if he
were job hunting,

his persistence would
be a good thing.

-Nice night for a walk.

-Oh, God.

It's only you.

Can't you leave me alone?

-I just got back from
my cheap trick audition.

-No, a pretty girl like you
shouldn't be left alone.

You want a drag?

-When they start
kissing, there's

going to be hair everywhere.

-I haven't smoked since college.

-I used to get lit with
Brooke Shields a lot.

-Yeah, well, I may not measure
up to those college guys

you're used to, but
they don't measure up

to mine, if you catch my drift.

-Is he talking about
his banana seat bike?

-Listen, why don't you
just to drift off somewhere

and molest someone your own age.

-Yeah, that's telling him.

-I've had a long day.

-Yeah, well, that's
not all that's long.

-Oh, again with the
phallic references.

-That's it.

I've had enough of your
childish sexual advances.

Go away!

-Yes!

-Or I'll call the cops.

-Knee him.

-Childish, huh?

-Twist and Creme
internal security force.

-No.

-Yes.

-Yes.

-I told you, he
wasn't my boyfriend.

I didn't even like him.

-Then why did you come
into the alley with him?

-Oh, right, blame the victim.

-I didn't go anywhere with him.

-He was trying to rape me.

He had a knife.

-All right, all right.

I'm sorry, miss.

Calm down.

-Geez, you victims
are so touchy.

-And he would have if
it wasn't for the giant.

[SNIFFLES]

-(SNIFFLING) Can I get back in
on the son of the governor, JJ?

-I was knocked out.

But when-- but when I came to--

-Big scene.

-Yeah.

---this--

-Acting.

---this giant--

-Emotional memory.

Wow.

-Giant?

-Like LT?

-He--

-Sims?

-He was--

-Babaro?

---his eyes-- his
eyes were like white.

-Say, uh, sorry to
bug you, but could I

get a cone with sprinkles
and-- oh, bad time.

Sorry.

-Don't you believe me?

-No, no.

I believe that's what you saw.

-[LAUGHS]

-Chet, I'm finished with her.

Get her out of here.

-[LAUGHS]

-This man will
care of you, miss.

-His eyes.

-It's Captain Sensitive
on the job here.

-His eyes were like white.

-Hey, Frank.

-Oh, no, this guy.

-No.

-What have we got here?

-[IMITATES_VOICE]

-Well, she claims he
tried to rape her.

That checks out with what
the owner of this place

tells me about our boy Jim here.

He used to come around with
his gang and bother the girls.

-Yeah.

Did that frail young
thing impale Jimmy boy

with a baseball bat?

-She claims it was
the Jolly Green Giant.

-Frankly, I think it was Sprout.

-You believe her?

-Hell no.

These kids are so
whacked out on drugs,

they don't know what they see.

-Well, doc, this
is one kid you're

going to have trouble
convincing that this

was a drug-induced
hallucination.

-You're going to protect the
Twist and Creme Corporation,

aren't you son?

-Jim Barton.

I've known his
family all my life.

-[INAUDIBLE]

-Sorry, doc.

-For what?

The kid was a bum, he was
a disgrace to his family.

-Yah, he goes up
with his sentences.

-Maybe he nailed himself with a
baseball, you know what I mean.

-Yeah, I got it
drug-induced suicide.

-Hey, Frank, I believe
you're coming along.

-Thanks, doc.

-So, should they just
leave him there, or not?

-Why, it's a perfectly
good Peanut Buster Parfait.

-Mmm.

-Well, I wonder if this
knife's related to the case.

Nah, couldn't be.

-I have no idea what I'm doing.

When I get out of
my teens, I'm going

to be a great investigator.

[PHONE RINGING]

-(SINGING) Slow ride.

Stroke me, stroke me.

-Mod hair Ken bulks up.

[PHONE RINGING]

-Bobby, your phone is ringing.

-Yeah, I can hear it, Ma.

[PHONE RINGING]

-Guy's got a real
Scott Thorson quality.

-Get it, Bobby.

You've been in there a while.

-Oh, it's probably my
chest grease supplier.

-Hello.

-Bob, this is Ames.

I just heard it on the radio,
What are we going to go?

-U2 tickets are on sale.

-Amy, calm down.

What's wrong?

-What's wrong?

Jim's dead, Bob.

Didn't you hear it on the radio?

They found his body
behind drive-in.

He's dead.

-OK, baby, just try and relax.

-Relax?

Don't you understand?

We're next.

He's killed Peter
and Susie and Jim.

We're next.

-Do you think you could go next?

-It's Amy, Ma.

-Oh, well, say
hello for me, dear.

-My mother says hello.

-Are you crazy?

Don't you see that we're next?

-All right.

Where are you?

-I'm-- I'm here, I think.

-I'm at home.

-Is there anyone there?

-No.

-Uh, except for me.

-I'm alone.

My mother went to--

-Good.

Now listen.

Stay where you are,
I'm coming right over.

-Small comfort, I know.

-Lock the doors and
don't let anyone in, OK?

-OK.

-I'll be right.

-But don't let me in.

-Don't worry.

Nothing's going to happen.

-How did this get here?

-Wow, check out the teddy.

-We've taken the Sears
Auto Center waiting room

and turned it into headquarters.

-Wow, Stiff Bater is pissed.

-Hey, you smashed my sandwich!

-Does anybody have their gun?

-Anybody got
handcuffs or anything?

-Please, sir, just
pay the parking fine.

-Boy, wait till my Young Life
meeting hears about this.

-Take a good look, friend.

There's your killer.

-Mine, sir?

You mean it?

-This scene was cut
from the program.

-Tear gas, mace, anyone?

-James Earl Powell.

We picked him up in New Castle.

-He was bringing coals.

-He was trying to rob
a check cashing store.

James is a very bad boy.

He was on probation.

-Let me guess-- assault.

-No, a pepper.

Ha ha.

-Yeah, right.

Seems he likes to beat
up people and rob 'em.

You may have noticed.

-I'm Adam West.

-James is a terrifyingly
strong dude.

-Dude, sir?

-Then why did he kill the kids?

Then why did he kill the kids?

You know none of
them were robbed.

-[INAUDIBLE]

-I don't know, maybe he
was working for somebody,

maybe he's got a new lobby.

But we've got him now
and we'll find out

just as soon as he talks.

-Now, Chief O'Hara-- oh.

-What's the matter, Frank?

A little flesh wound
because you couldn't

solve this case yourself?

-I'll check the script.

-Look, the object is
to clear these cases

as soon as possible.

-Maybe too soon.

-You're trying to say
we got the wrong man?

-Look, I just don't think that
Mr. James there is our man.

-Do you have somebody
else in mind?

-Well, my uncle's nice.

-It's just a
feeling, that's all.

-I just feel like crying.

-Oh, yes.

Feeling.

Must be that
policeman's intuition

you've developed after all
these years with the force.

Oh, come on, Frank.

You're just a little
ticked because you couldn't

grab the brass ring and
solve this case yourself.

Come on, you've got a
lot of years ahead of you

to blow cases.

Just be happy this one's solved.

-Yeah, come on.

Where's that's smile?

-Come on, Frank.

-No, not the belt!

-No!

-I'll buy you a drink.

-It is 10:00 AM.

-Guy just got a timeout.

-The word "truncheon"
springs to mind.

"Cudgel."

-Bad boy.

-Oh.

-Oh.

-Oh, that was easy for him.

He just pretended
it was Tim Burton.

-Uh, that didn't help much, sir.

Thanks anyway.

-Auditions for the band Fear.

-The three faces of Steve.

-Did you have to order
me a corn-god, sir.

-Adam West did his own
stunts in this scene.

-Could I get a booster
chair for my friend.

-Just need to be
treated with respect.

Could I get another
Shirley Temple, please.

-Well, here's to the
ones who got away.

-Away, heh.

-Hope my pirate meal
has onion rings.

-Take me away 7-Up.

-This is all too familiar.

-How long's it been, Frank?

-I don't know.

-You know me too well.

-Two years.

-Oh, you'll get over it.

Took me about two
centuries, but it'll work.

Hey.

Come on, this is a celebration.

The cases is closed.

-Well, if it's a celebration,
why are we at Chi Chi's?

-I know, I'm sorry.

-I can't do this before
breakfast, I'm not like you.

-You should have seen it.

I mean, this kid was
impaled with a baseball bat.

I just don't understand how
this guy James Earl could do it?

-Maybe James Earl has a
great batting average.

-But it's the RBI's
that count, isn't it?

-Cap, this wasn't like anything.

I mean, look at this kid.

He's got a baseball bat shoved
right through his stomach.

-Frank, I did not come here
to look at dirty pictures.

You take enough of
stuff home with you,

pretty soon there's not going
to be anything else at home.

-And you got to leave
room for liquor.

-Hey!

-What?

-This is a celebration.

Hey!

Hey, the case is closed.

-Long live the case!

-Hey!

-Hey!

-Hey!
-Hey!

-Hey!

-Hey!

-Hey!

-Hey!

-Hey

-Hey!

-Hey!
-Hey!

-Hey!

-Hey!

-Hey!

-Hey!

-Hey.

-Hey.

-It's her first
zombie commissioned

in a couple of years, so
she's babysitting the case.

-[ROARS]

-Your mystery date.

-It's 5:00 AM and Mr. Zombie's
day is just beginning.

He's off for a long
day of job interviews.

-Uh, I've got to get a new bad.

Slept like crap again.

-No, no, don't help me.

I've got it.

-Watch my casket, will you.

Don't drive it.

-Wow, he's really
last his looks.

-Just once I'd like to see
a zombie with a little more

get up and go.

-Eh.

[HUMMING]

-Don't.

-Sorry.

-It went from a high rise
exterior to someone's basement.

-Oh, he's hitting the
note pretty hard there.

-If I had a girlfriend, she'd be
sitting right there, right now.

-He needs to unify
his design concept.

-Corduroy chair's nice, though.

-Mmm, self-bondage
really doesn't work out.

-This case isn't closed.

-I just realized
something we're not

going to bother
showing the audience.

Ha!

-He's being stalked
by Depeche Mode.

-[HUMS]

-Johnson's wedding
got out of hand.

-Remind me never
to frost my hair.

-[HUMS]

-Wait a minute.

What's Charlie Watts
doing in there?

-I'll order a couple of
these in wallet size.

-Oh, Phil looked
nice in this one.

-Oh, man, that Barbra
Streisand concert was great.

-Geez, I look so
much older on film.

-(SINGING) My own
personal Jesus.

-Hey, Frank, your head cheese
sandwich is getting warm.

-Wait a minute.

-Anne Jillian's
not a real blonde!

-Thank God.

I thought I was going crazy.

-I may need another
glass of milk.

-Frank, are you crazy?

Those goddamn pictures again.

Is this why you dragged me
out of bed this time of night?

I've got to be back in here
at 6 o'clock in the morning.

-Cap, Cap, look.

Just hear me out.

All I want is permission to pick
up this woman for questioning.

Her name's, uh, Molly--

-The hoople.

-Hey, don't be so upset.

Hey.

Hey, you going to come
into my neighborhood,

you've got to pay the toll.

-He's flashing back without us.

-Adam, psst, we need
video support here.

-Molly Mokembe.

-You know this woman, Cap?

-Know her?

-We did improv together.

-Oh, sure, she's,
uh, some kind of, uh,

voodoo palm reader in the
black section of town.

-I'm Batman.

-I ran into her a
couple of times, uh,

but she has nothing
to do with this case.

-I don't know, Cap.

I mean, this woman was at
the scene of both murders,

and they took place miles apart.

-Who knows, maybe
the batty old broad

likes to follow
ambulances around.

-Yes, I said batty.

-Besides, we have our
murderer, Frank, remember?

-You know, if you-- if you
give this kind of stuff

to the press, they're going
to have a field day with you.

She's a harmless old
coconut, believe me.

-As a coconut,
sir, I'm offended.

-I just wanted to be
thorough, that's all.

-You are thorough, Frank.

-You're gentle.

-But you don't look too good.

Why don't you, uh, go home
and take a little rest.

-Quit the force, move away.

-I'm sorry.

-Sorry?

Let's talk Batman, huh.

-Don't be sorry, Frank.

Just go get some rest.

That's an order.

-And order me this.

-Goodnight, Captain.

-Nightcap?

Did you say nightcap?

Oh, don't mind if I do.

-It's flushing his head.

-Oh, let me get this straight.

Let's make a Batman movie
but not call Adam West.

-Look at me, I could have
worked with Nicholson.

-I'll call Burt Ward.

I know he's not busy.

-No one can milk a
shot like Adam West.

-He had more expressions
when wore a mask.

-Hello?

What, 900-SPANK-ME?

I can't.

I must stop.

-Wow.

[PHONE RINGING]

-Hey, Steven, Robby's upstairs.

He's tied Chip to the
bed with Doddy's nylons.

[PHONE RINGING]

I'm coming, I'm coming.

-Team dad.

-Yeah, what is it?

-Fred, it's me.

How's Mary taking it?

-Well, Tom, you know women.

-Who's Mary?

-He's married.

-Who's Fred?

-I'm confused.

-Who's that guy?

It's Ted McGinley.

-I, uh, here you have a suspect.

-What we have here is trouble.

-I don't care.

I feel like an idiot,
and I'm binding

-Oh, come on, Tom.

Get into it.

I mean, that Batman play
seemed important to Crow,

and he made these
costumes, and--

-Whoa.

What the heck is--

-Crow!

Where's your costume?

We're supposed to be
doing your Batman play?

-Batman play-- [LAUGHS]
I thought You knew.

I dropped that stink
bomb a long time ago.

-What?

Oh, you rotten son of a--

-Yeah, yeah, that decision
goes back a couple of weeks.

Funny I didn't say
anything about it to you.

Well, what are you going to do?

-Well, we're
standing here looking

like a couple of ninnies.

-Yeah.

-Well, yeah, you are. [LAUGHS]
Well, wow, what the heck!

We can still do it.

C'mon.

It's the-- [SINGS] [LAUGHS]
Riddle me this, Batman.

[LAUGHS]

-Crow!

-Crow!

-Geez.

It's a play, come on.

You know, these costumes
turned out pretty good.

How's that feel in the
crotch there, Mike?

-Would you get out of there!

-Oh!

Sure, I go the extra mile,
this is the thanks I get.

I'm going to go work on
my [INAUDIBLE] script.

-For crying out loud.
-Mike.

Mike.

Something's happening.

I like my costume.

-No you don't.

-Yes, I do.

It gives me special bat powers.

-God, we've got to cut
you out of that thing.

Let's--

-Hang in there, old chum.

Alfred, don't touch me.

I'm Batman.

And Harriet.

And Harriet.

I need cookies, cookies.

Molly Makembe's
mixed up in this--

-Stupid Batman.

-I want you to get the hell out
of there now and get down here

to the station.

We're going to find this witch--

-Wake up.

-I'm out the door.

-OK, super.

Ba-bye.

-God, I miss my tights.

-Just a little snapshot of Adam
and the young Philadelphians

here.

-This is Tim Burton's
last night on earth.

-What is he going to do,
staple himself to death?

Oh, it's a gun.

-When I said I'm
out the door, it

was really just an expression.

OK, now I am out of the door.

-The Orlon sweater's
got to get hot, huh?

-[ROARS]

-Nice kitty.

-Watch tower!

[GUNSHOT]

-Well, sorry about that.

I'm in kind of a hurry.

-Sir, if you'll just take a
look at the literature, I can--

I can come back and
we can discuss what--

-[MOANS] [ROARS]

-Jack Palance fights back.

-I'll just hop in here.

Certainly don't need
to close the door.

He he.

-[ROARS]

-You going right home?

Because if you're going
home, I can get a ride

with you, but if you're going--

-Look, I'm sorry.

It's-- it isn't
convenient to carpool.

You live in the cemetery,
I live downtown.

-I really could have
planned this better.

-[GROWLS]

-See, this wouldn't
have happened

if he'd been
wearing a seat belt.

-Well, no need to linger, heh.

[SINGING]

-Steve, I followed you to work.

You don't really work
for a missile plant.

Steve, put the gone down.

Steve!

[NOISE]

-Bob was right.

There.

-What the hell took you so long?

-I was trying to get
my mom's cash card s

we could get the
hell out of town.

-Oh, Bob, you're not
kidding, are you?

-Amy, I think you're right--
someone is trying to kill us.

Because Jim tried to make a
speed bump out of that clown.

And I do not want to die.

-Shut up.

-Well, where are we going?

When are we leaving?

-Shut up.

-Well, we could go right
now, but I don't we're

going to get very far on $20.

What about your mom's cash card?

-Like I said, I
tried to get my--

-Shut up.
---mom's cash card.

I couldn't.
-Shut up, you.

-[SIGHS]

-Don't you have
cash around here?

-Shut up.

-Take a look around.

I hardly even see my parents.

-Shut up.

-Great, we're stuck.

-Shut up.

-Shut up.

-No way.

-You shut up.

-Jim was telling me that we
should knock over his uncle's

garage if ever we needed money.

-Shut up.

-And we need money now.

-Shut up.

-His uncle's garage?

-Yeah, Jim always
had it figured out,

said he was saving
it for an emergency.

-Well, this is an emergency.

-Shut up.

-Let's do it.

-But should I get
into my underwear?

-Oh, the zombie drives a K-car.

Hmm, sensible.

-This is Charlie 117, come in.

-I've got birds, over.

-Oh, I knew it.

-Shut up.

-I'll be right there.

-Water in the basement.

Darn it!

-Your worst nightmare-- a
cop with a learner's permit.

-Hal Needham was brought
in to direct this scene.

[SIRENS]

-And that's all.

[SIRENS]

-Oh, that's fine, we'll just
walk to the curb from here.

-You two, get those
people out of here.

-Oh, yeah, you can use it.

-Hi, Frank.

We've got another one
just like the last three.

-Neck broken?

-Yeah, like a twig.

-Oh, nice image.

-How old is the kid?

-I'd say about 43.

-What, an old man?

-Yeah.

-Hey, thanks, Frank.

We can't all look
as young as you now.

-Oh, great, he's back.

-Do you, uh-- do
you think this could

have been done by the same
assailant as the others.

-I'd stake my semi-professional
reputation on it.

-[LAUGHS] Stop.

-So, who is this guy?

-That's the kicker-- he's
the last kid's father.

-Faaahther.

-Oh, I left my lights on again.

-Hey, Frank!

Don't you want to
check the house?

-I'm more interested
in the crowd.

-I'm, uh, running
for state auditor.

Hi, folks!

Hi.

-Come on, Amy.

We'll buy you clothes when--

-Oh, look, she put
her breasts on.

-Should I leave a
note for my mom?

-Ah, she'll just think
you got lost in--

-But should I bring my sports
bra in case I get chased?

-This spot reserved for Viper.

-Guests being stalked by zombies
stay at Best Western Hotel.

-See, no prob.

Mr. Key was right where
old Jim said it would be.

-He's dressed for ladies'
night at Shenanigans.

-Yeah, well, we're not going to
end up like, Jim, you hear me?

Let's just get this cash,
and then we're history.

-Hey.

If Mr. Blackstone
was a zombie, he'd

kill her just for that skirt.

-Mmhmm.

-This is a big garage.

-See, she's not that dumb.

-Yeah, a little too big.

-I wonder where they
keep their money.

-Yeah, good question--
a little too good.

-Oh, must you
superlative everything?

-It's a little ominous in here.

-A little too ominous.

-A lot of cars in here.

-A little too a lot
of cars in here.

-Would you please.

-A Francis Ford Coppola
production or a Kenneth Branagh

film-- [INAUDIBLE] Cutley in
Ali Sheedy's "Frankenstein."

-Tommy Lee Jones.

-[ROARS]

-He's a great actor.

-Yeah.

-We ain't ever going
to find this money

if we don't split up.

Are you breaking up with me?

-I'm going to go
check over here.

You go check over there.

Just check around, OK?

-This place is creepy.

I don't want to go
there by myself.

-Just do as I told you, OK?

-Check out that dark corner.

-Go.

Go in.

-(SINGING) You spin
me right round, baby,

right round like a record,
ba-- remember that song?

-No.

-I thought she was being
followed by Al Gore.

-Why's he crab-walking?

-Hey, is my Buick ready yet?

-Hello!

Is there a salesman
who can help me?

-[GROWLS]

-Boy, the zombie's got to clear
that frog out of his throat.

-[COUGHS]

-He sounds like
Harvey Fierstein.

-Oh, he's balding, look.

-Oh, so does that
mean his grandfather

on his mother's side
was a balding zombie?

-Where are those
commemorative place mats?

Stupid garage.

-That's clearly not
the original actor.

-Hi.

What can I do you for?

-Wow!

-Howdy.

That your zombie, ma'am?

-Stop that.

Let me move my bike.

Hang on.

-That's a really trivial
use of her dark powers.

-[SCREAMS]

-Cut, cut.

Tia, you're supposed to be in
your underwear in this scene.

-[SCREAMS] No!

-(SINGING) Start spreading news.

-[SCREAMS]

-Well, Tia, it's still better
than working with Mike Myers.

-[GROWLS]

-Excuse me, miss.

That's for authorized
personnel only.

-This is a big garage.

-Yeah, it's even
got a subway stop.

-[GROWLS]

-(SINGS) Some enchanted evening.

-How'd he do that?

-He's a pro.

-She's hiding behind a window!

-Oh.

-Oh, that one's got a
way with zombies, huh?

-Mmhmm.

-Oh!

Right on his luggage rack!

-Admittedly, that's an
aggressive sales technique,

but, you know.

-You're right, paint
job looks fine.

Sorry I complained.

Ba-bye.

-That was great.

I've never been handled
like that before.

-This is a really big garage.

-Shari Belafonte in "Harper."

-Well, looky here.

-How you diddly doing?

-Aren't you in the wrong
neighborhood little girl?

-I'm Batman.

-Looks like I missed
the start of the party.

Why don't you show me
where the guests are going.

Get in the car, witch.

-Yes, Mr. Churchman.

-Oh, is your
Batmobile in the shop?

-Shut up.

-(SINGING) Her name
is Rio and she--

-No.

-(SINGING) --dances.

-No, never.

-Look, it's Dondi the zombie.

-The zombie is deep in
the rough on the 13th.

he's got to put this
shot up to par the hole.

-The hell is my grave?

Last time I crawled into the
wrong one, it was a mess.

-You know, ironically,
they end up

busting the Zombie
for task evasion.

-Hey, uh, can I
have my thorax back?

-Mr. Zombie, I--I just need
you to sign this deposition.

It'll just take a sec.

-(SINGING) What would you
sing if I sang out of tune.

Instead of what--

-OK, OK.

-He's choking up.

-Boy, I'm dead on my feet.

He he.

Dead-- oh well.

-It's doing the nasty plunge.

Thud.

-I mean, what's he-- ew, he's
giving himself a tongue bath.

Ew!

-Don't be afraid, Frank.

He won't bite you.

-He might snap your neck,
but he won't bite you.

-Cap?

-Aren't you Adam West from
"Lady Chatterley's Lover 2"?

-The voodoo woman explained it
to me on the way over, Frank.

She made this kid a zombie
so it would avenge itself

against its murderers--
and avenge her against me.

-Oh!

-Against you?

-It's a long, sad
old story, Frank--

-Yeah, I'll say

--from before i
was on the force.

-I had this great cave, you see.

-A really sad story.

-He killed this boy's father
for trying to save my life.

-Is that true?

-That's true, Frank.

-Oh.

-But you see, zombies
lose their energy

after they revenge themselves.

So there'll be nobody around
to revenge old Molly Makembe.

-Oops.

-This case is closed, Frank.

[GUNSHOT]

-Oh!

Oh, wow.

Probably should have
seen that coming.

-[GROWLS]

-Oh, ah, there's one
spot I just can't do.

-This is the last evil you will
do on earth, Mr. Churchman.

-I think she's
going for some sort

of Elvis Patois kind of thing.

-[GROWLS]

-I've seen some raunchy
stuff, but that's disgusting.

-[CHANTS]

-Should have never had those
little Vietnamese peppers.

-The man is a pig.

-[GROWLS]

-Eh, it's just a
cry for attention.

-Rick Baker, you've
done it again.

[GUNSHOT]

-You shot me, you son of a--

-The paperwork's really
mounting here, sir.

-[LAUGHS] Case closed.

How about a drink?

-What are you gonna
do now, Captain?

You gonna kill me, too?

-I've got no choice, Frank.

-Well, that backfired.

-Come on, Frank,
take it like a man.

-[GROWLS]

-What the.

-[GUNSHOT]

-This isn't a very
effective cemetery.

[GUNSHOT]

-They need heavier dirt.

[GUNSHOT]

-Ah-ma, I'm-a, hum-a.

-Ms. Jane Pittman!

-Hum-a, hum-a.

-You have the right
to remain silent.

Anything-- [CHOKES]

Help!

Frank!

Frank, help!

Frank!

Frank!

Help me, Frank.

-Help, Spock.

Help me!

-Frank!

-He just wants to play, sir.

-Kill-- kill me, Frank!

Frank!

[SCREAMS]

-Wow.

So hell's right there. yeah,

-That's why you should
call before you dig.

-Are you mad, sir?

-You were the
bestest Batman ever.

Good bye, Cesar Romero.

-Wow, the Lutheran
church ladies will

be so surprised in the morning.

-Well, take a spin by
Grandpa's grave while I'm here.

-Hey, don't step on my grave!

-Hey, that hurts!

-Hey, watch it, you loser!

-Ow, my chest!

-Standing right on my toes!

-Watch out.

Stepped on your mother.

-Get that clown out of here.

-Ow.

-And turn out the
light on your way.

-Graveyard scene.

-Look at that, they put
the garbage incinerator

right next to the cemetery.

-[IMPERSONATES_METAL_SINGER]

-Is this song in Esperanto?

-[SINGING_GIBBERISH]

-Read the Bantam book.

-Buy the drink glass.

-The Washington family honors.

-You know, Tia Carrere went
on to a Hollywood career,

but I was sure that
Hamish McEwen would

be the breakout
star of this one.

-Which one is Jon Mikl Thor?

-He was the one with the badge.

-There were two
Biddles in this film.

-Yeah, and both Biddles were in
the Yiddish theater production

of "Yiddle with a Fiddle."

-With Biddles.

-Hey, look, Dean Hagopian
played the crusty and cynical

medical examiner.

-You are looking for one
large angry individual.

-Mike, if you talk in
that voice one more time,

I'm going to have to kill you.

-OK, I won't.

I'll stake my semi-professional
reputation on it.

-Kill him.

-You kill him.

-Soundtrack available in
cut out bins everywhere.

-$0.85 for the soundtrack.

-That's right, some
of your favorites.

-You know, they are
using the term "artists"

here very loosely.

-Mmhmm.

-Look, Virgin Steele.

I went to school
with a Virgil Steele.

-That's so interesting, Michael.

-You know, I'm really
disappointed that Abba

weren't in the soundtrack.

-Really?

-Oh, actually no, I
was just killing time.

-I like Chess, though.

-Thank you.

-Hey, you know, Jon Mikl
Thor was in the movie,

he wrote the music,
his band Thor

was featured on the
soundtrack, incidental music

was by Thorchestra.

He just did everything
in this film.

He's like-- just like
a Michael Landon.

-Oh, so you mean
he's bad-wetter?

-No, no, I don't mean
he's a bed wetter.

-Well, then what are
you trying to get at?

-The concept that
I'm trying to apply--

-He's the long-distance runner.

-Is that perhaps if--

-OK, how we doing?

You know, you guys, I think
that Adam West will really

appreciate these letters,
on account of the fact

that we gave him
quite a lot of ribbing

during the film and all.

So, um, well, who's ready?

-Oh!

Oh, me!

Me, I'm done.

I'll go first.

I'm ready.

Me!

Me!
-Crow.

-Oh.

Oh, OK.

"Dear Mr. West, I very
much enjoyed that thing

that you did that was good.

It's kind of fun when
I see you in stuff.

Do you feel pretty crappy
now that "Danger Theater"

and "Last Precinct"
has been canceled?"

-I bet he does.

-"I'm sending you
all my allowance.

Please don't buy beer with it.

Ha ha.

Yours truly, Crow T. Robot."

-Neat.

-Well, that was-- that
was very good, Crow.

There are certain
parts that I would

change if I were-- if I
were writing the letter.

-Well, it's the
Bible, but, you know.

-OK, well, whatever.

Uh, Tom.

You had something.

-OK, here we.

[CLEARS THROAT] "Dear Adam.

I'm Sorry to hear about the
accident at the sportsman show.

Oh, just saw "Zombie Nightmare."

You look good in a mustache.

Real nice work in
that scene where

the zombie pulls
you underground.

Oh, and, hey, I heard that "Lady
Chatterley's Lover 2" is OK,

although I'm not
allowed to see it.

Well, I'm running out of room.

We'll talk soon.

Tom Servo."

-That's, uh, very good, Tom.

-Thank you.

-Again, there are
things, you know,

maybe we could just go in
there, Strunk and White

kind of a thing.

Ah, Gypsy, you have
something, don't you?

Let me just-- you want to, uh--

-Yes.

-OK.

-I wrote a poem for Mr. West.

-OK.

Go ahead.

-[CLEARS_THROAT]

-Just whenever you're--

-"I used to like you when you
were a Caped Crusader way more

than even Darth Vader.

Back then you were the best, but
now you are like all the rest.

That's all, so see you later."

-Oh, very nice.

-That's very good.

-Very good.

-Does anyone have anything
else for, uh, Adam West?

-Uh.

-How about you guys, do
you anything for Adam West?

-[MOANS]

-Geez, they don't
really tell you

how to reverse these things.

Oh, hi!

Having a few technical
difficulties.

Look, Clay, I'm sorry, I
didn't mean to make you undead.

I was just fooling around.

It happens.

Maybe this magic powder
will reverse the spell.

Shazam!

Babalu!

[INAUDIBLE]

QVC!

[INAUDIBLE] You put that down!

You put that down.

Put that down.

Put it down.

Down.

Bad zombie!

Bad.

Bad.

Now push the button.

Be a good zombie.

Push the-- you push the button!

Push it.

Push it.

You push the button!

-Say, this zombie
stuff is kind of nice.

heh.

-[CHANTS]

-[ROARS]