Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 7, Episode 2 - Invasion USA - full transcript

{\a1\pos(204,460)}♪ In the
not-too-distant future ♪

{\a1\pos(117,460)}♪ Way down in Deep 13 ♪

{\a1\pos(117,460)}♪ Dr. Forrester ♪

{\a1\pos(117,460)}♪ And TV's Frank ♪

{\a1\pos(117,460)}♪ Were hatching an
evil scheme ♪

{\a1\pos(159,460)}♪ They hired a temp
by the name of Mike ♪

{\a1\pos(159,460)}♪ Just a regular Joe
they didn't like ♪

{\a1\pos(33,460)}♪ Their experiment needed
a good test case ♪

{\a1\pos(159,460)}♪ So they conked him
on the noggin ♪

{\a1\pos(159,460)}♪ And they shot him
into space ♪

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MIKE: Get me down!

{\a1\pos(201,460)}♪ We'll send him
cheesy movies ♪

{\a1\pos(33,460)}♪ The worst we can find ♪

{\a1\pos(222,460)}♪ La, la, la ♪

{\a1\pos(159,460)}♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all ♪

{\a1\pos(54,460)}♪ And we'll monitor his mind ♪

{\a1\pos(222,460)}♪ La, la, la ♪

{\a1\pos(159,460)}♪ Now, keep in mind,
Mike can't control ♪

{\a1\pos(117,460)}♪ Where the movies
begin or end ♪

{\a1\pos(222,460)}♪ La, la, la ♪

{\a1\pos(159,460)}♪ He'll try to keep
his sanity ♪

{\a1\pos(201,460)}♪ With the help
of his robot friends ♪

{\a1\pos(201,68)}Robot roll call.

{\a1\pos(285,96)}-Cambot.
-Show yourself.

{\a1\pos(285,96)}-Gypsy.
-Oh, hurry!

{\a1\pos(243,96)}-Tom Servo.
-Hello, there.

{\a1\pos(306,96)}-Crow.
-That's what I'm...

{\a1\pos(138,460)}♪ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes ♪

{\a1\pos(75,460)}♪ And other science facts ♪

{\a1\pos(222,460)}♪ La, la, la ♪

{\a1\pos(33,460)}♪ Just repeat to yourself
"It's just a show ♪

{\a1\pos(12,460)}♪ I should really just relax" ♪

{\a1\pos(138,460)}♪ For Mystery Science
Theater 3000 ♪

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Doors closing ]

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[ Whistles ]

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Hi, everyone.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Welcome to the Satellite
of Love.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Hey, Crow.
Check out Mike over here.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-Look at this.
-Hey. Wow.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Mike, what are you doing?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}It's cool.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Oh, it's kind of cute.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Well, you know what it is?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}It's got a certain--
I don't know.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Elegant simplicity.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}Right.
A kind of charm and sweetness

{\a1\pos(162,460)}-that...
-That evokes the innocence

{\a1\pos(264,460)}-of you?
-Well, yes.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-It's a...
-Whoa. It's alive.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Kill it. Kill it. Kill it.
Kill it. Kill it.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Kill it. Kill it.
Kill it. Kill it.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[ Indistinct chatter ]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[ Machine shuts down ]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Panting ]

{\a1\pos(306,460)}-Tuh.
-Dork.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Weiner.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}[ Spits ]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Screams ]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Destroy. Destroy.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Mike, what have we learned?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Well, I mean, I think
we've learned that...

{\a1\pos(117,460)}You can't build robots.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Say it.

{\a1\pos(246,460)}-Say it.
-I can't build robots.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Good.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Now say it a million times.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}-Well...
-Hey, a minute.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}-Hey.
-The Bobsey Twins are calling.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}And don't go building a robot

{\a1\pos(33,460)}while you're over there pushing
them button, you moron.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Hello, kids.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}It's science project time.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[ Makes sound ]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Fact: In addition
to my huge greatness,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I'm quite a guy.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Everybody likes me.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Now, here we have me,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}and here we have a mother.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}In this unbiased test,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}we shall determine that a robot

{\a1\pos(33,460)}trapped in space will choose me

{\a1\pos(117,460)}over this not untypical

{\a1\pos(96,460)}rather attractive mother.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Now, as I transfer

{\a1\pos(96,460)}the science project

{\a1\pos(96,460)}via the Umbilicon,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}let me explain that Frank,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}as the control group,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}will be dressed as a pincushion.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}This is essential, right?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Absolutely, Frank.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Now, as the control group,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}how do you feel?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Well, actually,
in deep physical pain.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}That's to be expected.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Well, back to you, Mitchell.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}I thought they usually
have two of them.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}Okay, fellas,
I guess we got to do this.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Let me handle it,
never did have a mom.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}It might be kind of fun.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Okay. Let's see here.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Green.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Soothing color.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Hmm?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Food pouch.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Yummy.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Stitched well.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Should launder fairly easily.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Hmm, soft.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Very soft.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}I feel warm,

{\a1\pos(222,460)}even secure.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Well, I think
I've made my choice.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I think I'll just take a look
at this one here

{\a1\pos(180,460)}before I--

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Mommy! Mommy!

{\a1\pos(306,460)}-Oh.
-Wow.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Hey, hey, hey, hey, Crow.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Screams ]

{\a1\pos(138,460)}All right. All right.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}I can view this coolly,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}dispassionately,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}it's just that you're so
incredibly stupid and wrong,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}you're just so incredibly
stupid and wrong!

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Why, I only have to ask
my control group.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Frank?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Who do you prefer?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-Why, you, of course.
-Oh, Frank.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Come here you big-- oh.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}FORRESTER: [ Grunts ]

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Oh, turn a bit.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Since you dumb dummies
are so stupid and wrong,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I'm going to have to send you
this week's experiment.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}It's called "Invasion USA"

{\a1\pos(138,460)}preceded by a little
family horror show

{\a1\pos(33,460)}called A Date With Your Family.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Push the button, control group.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Grunts ]

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Whoa, oh,

{\a1\pos(264,460)}I got it.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Mommy, mommy.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Crow, Crow,
that's not your mother.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Hmm?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Well, the heck with her.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Are you my mother?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}No, you mewling, puking...

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-Oh, we got movie sign.
-Come here you...

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Doors opening ]

{\a1\pos(54,460)}CROW: The Woody Allen Story.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}MIKE: Hey,
I like my family as a friend.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}CROW: All of who are orphans.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MIKE: Now, to our story.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MAN: This boy and girl
coming home from school

{\a1\pos(54,460)}look quite content with life.

{\a1\pos(243,460)}And why not?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-CROW: They're high.
-MAThey're looking forward

{\a1\pos(138,460)}to an important date,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}dinner at home with the family.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}SERVO: Sylvia?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MAN: What's the matter?

{\a1\pos(162,460)}MIKE:
There's a rabbit in there.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}MAN: It doesn't sound
exciting to you?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Well, to them,
it's a special occasion

{\a1\pos(33,460)}as it has been ever since

{\a1\pos(183,460)}they sat down
to dinner in high chairs.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Why should they feel that way

{\a1\pos(117,460)}about something you take
so completely for granted?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-MIKE: Look at them.
-MAWell, let's see

{\a1\pos(159,460)}if we can find out.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: We secretly switched
their Folgers Coffee...

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MAN: First of all,
daughter has changed

{\a1\pos(159,460)}from school clothes
to something more festive.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-MIKE: Well, sort of.
-MAN: Dressing a little

{\a1\pos(159,460)}makes her feel, and,
consequently look,

{\a1\pos(222,460)}more charming.

{\a1\pos(159,460)}Even the table takes
on a special air.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}MIKE: Ah, and Madame Defarge
waits in the living room.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MAN: Mother, too, chang{\r} e s
from her daytime clothes.{\r} ..

{\a1\pos(78,460)}-CROW: Into Vampira.
-MAN: The women of this family

{\a1\pos(54,460)}seem to feel that they owe it
to the men of the family

{\a1\pos(117,460)}to look relaxed, rested,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}and attractive at dinner time.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}MIKE: So they're unsuspecting
when they kill them.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MAN: Brother is spending
an hour before dinner...

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-SERVO: Plagiarizing.
-MA...catching up

{\a1\pos(201,460)}on his homework.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}He has plans this evening.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}CROW:
But I won't go into detail.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}MAN: Perhaps
that explains the phone call.

{\a1\pos(75,460)}But he won't spend a lot of
time on the phone, either.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-MIKE: He's mute.
-MAWhen there are

{\a1\pos(54,460)}several members of the family
to be considered,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}it is not a good idea
for one member

{\a1\pos(12,460)}- to monopolize the phone.
-SERVO: Yeah, double the bet.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}MAN: And it is never good to
allow telephone conversation{\r} s

{\a1\pos(33,460)}to interfere with studies.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}CROW:
Even if it's the President.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}MIKE: Hi, mom.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}I'm pregnant.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MAN: Hmm, is it that late?

{\a1\pos(75,460)}Dad will be here any minute.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Better tell mother
she's needed in the kitchen.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: Where the postman
eagerly awaits.

{\a1\pos(183,460)}-MIKE: Sorry.
-CROW: One plus one-- oh.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}MAN: Brother notices the time

{\a1\pos(33,460)}and realizes that he must
put things in order

{\a1\pos(159,460)}and clean himself up
in time for dinner.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}MIKE: He's got to strip
and replace the oil in his hair

{\a1\pos(96,460)}with summer weight.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}SERVO: [ Laughs ]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-MAN: Hello, there.
{\r}SERVO: Who are you?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}MAN: Junior is always
in a hurry{\r} ,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}particularly for dinner.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}But, first,
there's a cleanup job to do

{\a1\pos(117,460)}on this young man.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}CROW: Brother runs a boy
cleaning service on the side.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}MAN: Brother takes it
upon himself

{\a1\pos(222,460)}to help share
Junior's responsibility

{\a1\pos(138,460)}for keeping their room
in good order

{\a1\pos(117,460)}and keeping Junior
in good order, too.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MIKE: Brother has a tight
psychological grip on Junior.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}MAN: Punctuality is stressed
in this household.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: Hey, look at me.
Look at me.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}MAN:
By that, I mean, hair is combed

{\a1\pos(75,460)}and faces and hands scrubbed

{\a1\pos(201,460)}before the boys
come to the table

{\a1\pos(54,460)}so they won't delay the meal.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}MIKE: Come on,
it's time to scrub you.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}CROW: Are we all supposed
to be scrubbing each other now?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}MAN: Now mother and daughter

{\a1\pos(33,460)}put the finishing touches
on the dinner.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: With strychnine.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}CROW:
Salad needs more butter, mother.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-MIKE: A stranger enters.
-MAN: Father, too,

{\a1\pos(99,460)}looks forward
to this date with the family.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}He has had a hard day
at the office,

{\a1\pos(159,460)}and in his briefcase
are some contracts

{\a1\pos(222,460)}which must be
looked over tonight.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}SERVO:
Okay. Buck up. Here we go.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-MABut in the meantime...
-SERVO: Martini.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}MAN: ...he will relax
at dinner with those he loves.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: But not these people.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MAN: A simple centerpiece
made from some flowers

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-which grow in the backyard...
-MIKE: Is stupid.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MAN: ...is another of daughter's

{\a1\pos(75,460)}contributions to the dinner.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}But it takes up
a little too much room,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}so she moves it
to the sideboard.

{\a1\pos(183,460)}CROW:
What you are watching now

{\a1\pos(117,460)}should have been edited
in the final version.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}My apologies.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}SERVO: Come on, come over here.
How much did you earn today?

{\a1\pos(99,460)}-Come on, hand it over.
-MAN: ...to meet their dad

{\a1\pos(117,460)}as though they are
genuinely glad to see him.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}-MIKE: They're not, of course.
-MAAnd so they had really

{\a1\pos(33,460)}missed being away from him
during the day,

{\a1\pos(159,460)}and they're anxious
to talk to him.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-SERVO: Bob Crane.
-MAN: This is the time

{\a1\pos(117,460)}for pleasant discussion

{\a1\pos(54,460)}in a thoroughly relaxed mood.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}They don't pick this time
of the day

{\a1\pos(54,460)}to spring unpleasant surprises
on dad.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}If they have disagreeable news,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}they will postpone
the discussion

{\a1\pos(117,460)}until another time.
-CROW: When he's asleep.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}MAN:
This is no time to dun father

{\a1\pos(54,460)}for a raise in your allowance,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}new clothes, or argue

{\a1\pos(54,460)}about other financial matters.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}MIKE:
Father, I had a feeling today.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-SERVO: Well, don't, son.
-MIKE: Okay.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}MAN: Ah, dinner time.

{\a1\pos(159,460)}Yes, mother, Junior
remembered to clean up.

{\a1\pos(246,460)}CROW:
You emasculating bint.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MIKE: Hi, I'm Betty, and I
will be your wife tonight.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}SERVO: Well,
this certainly is pleasant.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MAN: Brother seats Junior.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}CROW: Daughter
obsesses with the flowers.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MIKE: [ Chuckles ]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MAN: Then helps mother
to her chair

{\a1\pos(33,460)}as he would his best girl.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}CROW: The less said
about this, the better.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: Yeah. I got it. I got it.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I got it, honey.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}CROW: Junior seats dad
and sister seats the dog,

{\a1\pos(78,460)}-and the dog...
-MAN: Well, the dinner date

{\a1\pos(57,460)}has begun,
and they're all happy about it.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}MIKE: Their stomachs
knotted like fists.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}SERVO: Dad, I'm dating a Negro.

{\a1\pos(183,460)}MIKE:
Anyone seen our waitress?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MAN: Many families
throughout the country

{\a1\pos(99,460)}observe the custom
of saying grace at meal time.

{\a1\pos(183,460)}CROW:
Please, God. Take me now.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MAN: It is always treated
with reverence and respect.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}SERVO: Field Marshal Montgomery
sits down to eat.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Yes, it's smashing,
it's a good day.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MAN: Napkins on the lap,
the family awaits service.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}They converse pleasantly
while dad serves.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MIKE: No, I'll just
have a saltine...

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MAN: I said pleasantly

{\a1\pos(117,460)}for that is the keynote
at dinnertime.

{\a1\pos(75,460)}It is not only good manners
but good sense.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}CROW:
Emotions are for ethnic people.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MAN: Pleasant, un-emotional
conversation helps digestion.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}SERVO: I can't stress
unemotional enough.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MAN: Father serves mother first,
then daughter.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}MIKE: Let's go
to the flowchart for this.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MAN: Then the boys.

{\a1\pos(159,460)}Don't worry, fellas,
you won't get left.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}CROW: And be sure to make
a plate for the narrator.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: A violent argument erupts

{\a1\pos(201,460)}over whose day
was more pleasant.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}CROW:
Can I have chopsticks, please?

{\a1\pos(78,460)}MAN:
Help to cut your meat, Junior?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Of course.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: Ow, ow, ow,
that's my hand.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}-Ow.
-MAN: By example,

{\a1\pos(222,460)}older children
can teach younger ones

{\a1\pos(159,460)}good table manners.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}SERVO:
Remember, always cut the meat

{\a1\pos(12,460)}of the person to your left.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}CROW: You don't have
to cut my mashed potatoes, too,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}not the Jell-O.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}MAN: And no one starts eating

{\a1\pos(201,460)}until father has
served himself.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-CROW: This means you.
-MAN: Always wait

{\a1\pos(201,460)}for the hostess,
in this case, mother,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}to begin eating
before you start.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MIKE: Father feigns eating,
draws Junior out,

{\a1\pos(78,460)}-then disowns him.
-MAN: Let father and mother

{\a1\pos(117,460)}guide the conversational
trend if they desire.

{\a1\pos(159,460)}After all, they made
all this possible,

{\a1\pos(57,460)}and they want to talk
over their day with each other.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}CROW:
I'm moving to Fire Island, dear.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}MAN: Tell mother
how good the food is.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}MIKE: Even as you gag on it.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MAN: ... a compliment, too.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-MIKE: This stinks.
-MAN: It makes them want

{\a1\pos(33,460)}to continue pleasing you.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}CROW: After all,
that's why God put women

{\a1\pos(138,460)}on this green Earth.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MAN: Well, all of this
is good general advice,

{\a1\pos(222,460)}but there are
some specific don'ts.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Maybe the family
will demonstrate for us.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Don't monopolize
the conversation

{\a1\pos(201,460)}and go on and on
without stopping.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-MIKE: God.
-MAN: Nothing destroys

{\a1\pos(159,460)}the charm of a meal
more quickly.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MIKE: Than having a personality.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MAN: To say that the rest
of the group is bored

{\a1\pos(201,460)}would be a gross
understatement.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}SERVO: Mother, do something.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}CROW: At least I have two sons.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}MAN:
Don't discuss unpleasant topics

{\a1\pos(117,460)}such as gruesome sights
or sounds...

{\a1\pos(138,460)}SERVO: So then sister
made Patrick get him up...

{\a1\pos(99,460)}MAN:
...or unpleasant occurrences.

{\a1\pos(75,460)}This is a time of pleasure,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}of charm, and relaxation,
remember?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}MIKE: I have no son.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}MAN:
Don't make unkind comparisons

{\a1\pos(75,460)}about your stand of living.

{\a1\pos(75,460)}The dinner table is no place
for discontent.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}It makes dad and mother

{\a1\pos(33,460)}uncomfortable and unhappy.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}CROW: And they already
dislike you enough.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}SERVO: Mm-hmm.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Well, there it is, spankings
all around, then.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Oh, and she was a big nun
with a mustache,

{\a1\pos(57,460)}-this huge black...
-MAN: Don't insult your brother

{\a1\pos(117,460)}or sister with offensive
remarks about friends.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Arguments, harsh words,

{\a1\pos(162,460)}mean tension,
and distress for everyone.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}SERVO: Yeah, go piss up a rope.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}CROW:
Sit and spin you cruddy skank.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}SERVO: Perhaps booze
would alleviate this situation.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}MAN: Do remember simply this,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}treat the other members
of your family

{\a1\pos(138,460)}with the same respect
and cordiality

{\a1\pos(117,460)}you would show your most
treasured friend

{\a1\pos(33,460)}outside the family circle.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-SERVO: So snap dad's bra?
-MAN: This does not mean

{\a1\pos(54,460)}you should be stiff or formal.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}With your own family,
you can relax.

{\a1\pos(243,460)}Be yourself.

{\a1\pos(243,460)}Just be sure
it's your best self.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}CROW: And be sure
no one knows the real you.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}MAN: This is better.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}SERVO: Father
does his ferret impression.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MAN: Now all things
are on an even keel again.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MIKE: And everyone wants to flee
the seething cauldron of angst.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}MAN:
Now we're ready for dessert.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Most families don't have maids.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-CROW: They have daughters.
-MAN: So mother needs help

{\a1\pos(201,460)}with the serving
from the kitchen.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Son says mother
has done enough.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Watch him play butler.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}SERVO: In "Remains of the Day."

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MAN: The removal of dishes
from the main course

{\a1\pos(33,460)}and the serving of dessert
set the stage

{\a1\pos(78,460)}for the conclusion
of a thoroughly pleasant meal.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: I probably should've
washed my hands

{\a1\pos(96,460)}after handling that dead
woodchuck, oh, well.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-You want gin, pop?
-No.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}MAN: Do you begin to see now

{\a1\pos(75,460)}how a date with your family

{\a1\pos(222,460)}can be a truly
special occasion?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-SERVO: Do you? Do you?
-MAWhy brother and sister

{\a1\pos(54,460)}looked forward to the evening?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}SERVO: Well, do you?
Better say yes, damn it!

{\a1\pos(120,460)}MAN:
When the dinner hour at home

{\a1\pos(33,460)}is treated with a certain
amount of graciousness

{\a1\pos(222,460)}and ceremony,
it can be memorable.

{\a1\pos(75,460)}There is not family so poor,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}but that the evening meal
can be eaten

{\a1\pos(183,460)}in an atmosphere
of warmth and gentleness.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: And control
and repression.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MAN: There is no family so busy,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}but that it can come together
in the evening

{\a1\pos(117,460)}for a dinner date,
which will give its members

{\a1\pos(75,460)}something to look back upon
with happiness

{\a1\pos(201,460)}all their days.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}CROW: You know,
this makes me wanna heat up

{\a1\pos(96,460)}a Libbyland dinner
and eat in front of the TV.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-MIKE: Mm-hmm.
-SERVO: Now, enjoy

{\a1\pos(33,460)}some refreshments in the lobby.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}MIKE: I'll buy.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: A Simmel-Meservey release.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MIKE: Invasion USA?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}CROW: Wow.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MIKE: Starring these people
and Chuck Norris.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}CROW: Ooh.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}SERVO: And the entire
Gotham City council.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MIKE: Let's see, Phyllis Coates,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}hey, there's two Lois Lanes
in this movie, at least.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}CROW: Yeah.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: What do you know?

{\a1\pos(36,460)}What? And the lead singer of
The Cure is a screenwriter, too.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}I had no idea.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}CROW: [ Makes sound ]

{\a1\pos(33,460)}With Albert Glasser conducting
the Invasion USA orchestra.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[ Imitates trumpet ]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: Relentless.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}This music is like
a good Danny Elfman tune.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: You mean it doesn't exist?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}SERVO: Boom.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}MIKE: Hey, you know,
I think I had an apartment

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-in this building over here.
-SERVO: Yeah?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Oh, did you now?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-Cold water flat...
-CROW: Looks like

{\a1\pos(96,460)}James Sullivan really had
his work cut out for him.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-MIKE: Cut out.
-CROW: Oh, stop it.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}SERVO: Yeah.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MIKE: Let's get on
with it here, please.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}SERVO: Please, yeah.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Ah, the Zugsmith touch,

{\a1\pos(222,460)}dry but warm.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}CROW: What? Me direct?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}MIKE: Ah, bustling city music.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}SERVO: Of course.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}Thinville,
the thinnest city in the world.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}CROW: Why does my back hurt?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Must be lifting
this thing wrong.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}MIKE:
Oh, thank heavens, civilization.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: ♪ Cucaracha,
la cucaracha{\r} ♪

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-[ Speaking Spanish ]
-Ladies and gentlemen,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I'll have a complete sports
roundup for you

{\a1\pos(180,460)}in just a moment.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}CROW: That guy's just
sitting in the next room.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}MAN: Another bourbon.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Coming right up.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}MIKE:
Shouldn't he be guarding Oswald?

{\a1\pos(99,460)}SERVO:
Ah, breakfast at Harry's bar,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}cornflakes with gin.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Here's the news bulletin
from The Nation's Capital.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Washington officially
this morning denies rumors

{\a1\pos(201,460)}of enemy planes
over northern Alaska.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}Meanwhile,
there has been no lessening

{\a1\pos(96,460)}of international tension

{\a1\pos(138,460)}and informed sources
refuse to discount

{\a1\pos(33,460)}the possibility of all-out war.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MIKE: Yeah, David Byrne.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}I got enough war talk at home.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}You can say that again.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}Meanwhile in Italy,
the communists caused another...

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Quiet, Jay.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}...as communist march on...
-SERVO: That's nice.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}That'll hold you.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}MIKE: I'm still here barkeep.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}I wish I could keep him
that quiet

{\a1\pos(117,460)}when he comes in here.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-Customer of yours?
-Yeah.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}The TV station's
right down the street.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}CROW:
He's a chainsaw sculpture.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}And what do you think
the lug drinks?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MAN: A sherry flip.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Oh, you must know him, huh?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MIKE: Excuse me, I'm right
in the middle of Slow Waltz

{\a1\pos(201,460)}in Cedar Bend.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-You've seen him in here?
-No.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}MAN: Well, then,
how did you know...?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}He looks like the sort of person

{\a1\pos(12,460)}who'd drink a sherry flip.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Say, he does at that!

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: I don't get it.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-MIKE: Kramer.
-SERVO: Hey.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}All right, Tim,
how about a beer?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}SERVO: You can
all admire me now.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-MAN: Is you workin' today?
-Yeah, but I thought

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I'd work in a nice, cool bar.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}SERVO:
And pound drink after drink.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}...you, sir?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}My name is Potter, Vince Potter.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I'm a commentator for
station TVNY.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Would you mind answering
a question

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-for tomorrow's program?
-SERVO: The Beatles.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}You're gonna use it
on television?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-CROW: Pilgrim.
-That's the idea.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Well, gosh, I'll be glad to.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Good. First, I'll get your name
and address, huh?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Ed Mulberry.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Boulder County, Arizona.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}-Arizona?
-SERVO: I came here

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-to be a gigolo.
-I'm a cattle raiser.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Cattle raiser?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MIKE: Races cattle, okay.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Now, here's today's question.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Are you for or against
the universal draft?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Now, by that I mean,
draft everything.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Soldiers for the army,
factories for war work,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}labor for factories,
the whole business.

{\a1\pos(204,460)}-Well...
-CROW: My puzzler hurts.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}...government
in business already.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-You take cattle now.
-SERVO: Mm-hmm.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}One bureau shoves the cost
of feed up

{\a1\pos(12,460)}and another keeps the price
of beef down.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}That's why I cut my herd
down to 3,000 head this year.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: It's great,
but it's not the question.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I would raise 5,000
if they hadn't put

{\a1\pos(96,460)}price controls on.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}-Another bourbon.
-CROW: Make it a quadruple.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}And they soak you with those
income taxes, oh, brother.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}CROW: Scanners.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}You pay a high income tax?

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Plenty.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}You must make
a great deal of money.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}I do all right.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MIKE: Make more than you,
you fruit.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Down with taxes.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: Pass the beer nuts,
you back ass cracker.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MIKE: The conversation
takes an abrupt shift.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}SERVO: I don't stand
a chance, do I?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}What would you like, honey?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}A scotch over ice.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I don't know why you
New Yorkers drink scotch.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Stuff tastes
like medicine to me.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}What do you drink
in San Francisco?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-Daiquiri.
-MIKE: Hmm, nice.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}That sounds
like a sissy drink to me.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I just like the cracked ice.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Scotch on a cracked ice.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}CROW: [ Makes sound ]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}VINCE: I beg your pardon.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-I'm Vince Potter.
-Yeah?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}At television station TVNY.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Oh, yes.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I'd like to ask you
both a question.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}But, first, may I have
your name, sir?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Sylvester. George Sylvester.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Your occupation?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I'm a tractor manufacturer.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}CROW: A daiquiri swilling
tractor manufacturer, okay.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-Your name.
-SERVO: The worst.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}CROW: And your breasts?
Uh, I mean occupation?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-[ Indistinct ]
-Telephone number?

{\a1\pos(285,460)}1717...

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-Now, look here...
-It's all right, George.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}I listen to Mr. Potter
every Friday.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}His program is very popular
in New York.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}So is he, evidently.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Thank you.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Now, here's tonight's question,
Mr. Sylvester.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Are you for or against
the universal draft,

{\a1\pos(222,460)}army, labor,
factory, everything?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: Oh, lights out,
everybody drink up.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-...communism?
-Communism?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}That's a good quote.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}They tried that
on me last week.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}But I told 'em where to get off.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Last week? Where was that?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-My plant.
-SERVO: In Moscow.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}They sent an army major in
to see me.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}It would take me six months
to get in production

{\a1\pos(138,460)}on these tank parts.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}In the meantime, what would
happen to my tractors, sir?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}The army needs tanks,
Mr. Sylvester.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}Oh, sure.
I'd like to hear you tell that

{\a1\pos(117,460)}to some of my dealers.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}If your dealers
are good Americans,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}they'll know that tanks are
more important than tractors.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}All they know is they don't
get tractors to sell,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}they're out of business.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}If an enemy nation
conquered America,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}they'd be out of business
for good.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Fat chance.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}SERVO: Now go on,
punch me hard.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I'm sorry, major, I'd like
to accommodate you,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}but I've spent 10 years
in building up

{\a1\pos(117,460)}my sales organization,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}and I'm not going
to throw it away

{\a1\pos(54,460)}to do the government a favor.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Mr. Sylvester, if people
like you won't cooperate

{\a1\pos(33,460)}with your government willingly,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}the day may come when we'll be
forced to take over your plants

{\a1\pos(201,460)}without asking
your permission.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-SERVO: Believe that.
-Over my dead body.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Now, let me tell you something,
major.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-SERVO: Uh-oh. No.
-The people in this country

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-will never stand...
-SERVO: Stop it. No.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}...so you can go back to
Washington and tell them that.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: I wanna go.
Leave me alone.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Yes, sir. Just because he was
wearing a major's uniform,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}he thought
he could threaten me.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-But I sure told him...
-SERVO: Tom Waits, hey.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Well, your girlfriend
and I got to go.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}-MIKE: What?
-Do you believe in drafting

{\a1\pos(138,460)}women as well as men?

{\a1\pos(57,460)}Well, it all depends
on what you wanna draft us for.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}CROW:
Whoa, got a live one here.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I mean, labor in a munitions
factory, for instance.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}I worked in a factory
for a while during the last war.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-SERVO: Naked.
-They'd ruined my hands,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}so I quit.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Another drink, Tim,
for everybody.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: Oh, Foster Brooks
joins in.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}...young lady,
Haraway's my name.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Congressman Haraway.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I'm just in New York
for over the weekend.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}It's a pleasure to meet you.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Well, it's nice to know you,
too.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-MIKE: Whatever.
-Valuable work

{\a1\pos(96,460)}you're doing, young man,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}seeking the voice
of the people.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I believe it, and
that's the American way,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-the democratic way.
-Thank you, sir. That's...

{\a1\pos(78,460)}MIKE:
This is starting to bang, huh?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}CROW: Will somebody
please invade something?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}You won't mention the locale
of our interview, of course.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Doors closing ]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: Michael, I must say

{\a1\pos(117,460)}that you have prepared
these victuals

{\a1\pos(138,460)}with much regalement.

{\a1\pos(183,460)}-Indeed.
-Well, thank you, Thomas,

{\a1\pos(78,460)}and while we partake
of these aromatic comestibles,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}there's no reason
why we cannot converse

{\a1\pos(222,460)}in a refined
and dignified manner.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}-Ah, yes.
-Indeed.

{\a1\pos(183,460)}Say, how about
that sporting event, hmm?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}One team emerged the victor,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}whereas the other, alas,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}found themselves vanquished.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Ah, but such are the
vicissitudes of sport.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Hmm. Indeed.
You know,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}the other day,
I had the occasion

{\a1\pos(54,460)}to witness a cultural event.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}It seemed to point
to the foibles

{\a1\pos(96,460)}of everyday living.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Afterwards, I reflected
upon the stimulating nature

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-of the presentation.
-Mm-hmm.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Recently, I was taken
by a particular article

{\a1\pos(201,460)}of literature.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}The author used sentences
and paragraphs

{\a1\pos(54,460)}to express his point of view.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Yes. Yes.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Oh, that reminds me
of a pleasantry

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I was exposed to recently.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}An anecdote happened

{\a1\pos(96,460)}that might be interpreted
as whimsical.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}It provided all parties involved

{\a1\pos(138,460)}with a puckish sense
of diverting amusement.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[ Laughter ]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Mike, this sucks.
Can we just eat?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-Oh, yeah.
-That's a great--

{\a1\pos(138,460)}...they're all dead.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}I'm making...

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[ Indistinct chatter ]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Maybe I'd better get you in...

{\a1\pos(12,460)}May I have your name, sir?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}My name is Ohman.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}-Ohman?
-SERVO: Yes. But my friends

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-call me Shotsie.
-...like a band leader,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}O-H-M-A-N, isn't it?

{\a1\pos(78,460)}SERVO:
Yeah, I get that all the time.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}And your occupation, Mr. Ohman?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-SERVO: Communist, I mean...
-I'm a forecaster.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Weather forecaster.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Now, what do you think
of the draft?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I think America wants
new leadership.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-New leadership?
-SERVO: Ja.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}What kind of leadership
do you suggest?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-CROW: Puppies.
-I suggest a wizard.

{\a1\pos(246,460)}-A what?
-A wizard like Merlin,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}who could kill his enemies
by wishing them dead.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}MIKE: Poof.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}That's the way we like
to beat communism now

{\a1\pos(96,460)}by wishing it dead.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: He's dreamy.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}-He's dreamy.
-OHMAN: ...and lower taxes,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}labor wants more consumer
products in a 30-hour week.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}A college boy wants
a stronger army.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}-SERVO: He does?
-And a deferment for himself.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}The businessman wants
a bigger air force

{\a1\pos(96,460)}and a new Cadillac.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}-SERVO: He does?
-The housewife wants security

{\a1\pos(12,460)}and an electric dishwasher.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}CROW:
I just want a working nose.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Everybody wants
a strong America,

{\a1\pos(141,460)}and we all want
the same man to pay for it.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: Ross Perot.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}George.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Let George do it.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Ah, ah, I disagree with you.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}I don't wanna let George do it.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}You must be the exception?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}No. I'm George.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[ Laughter ]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: I like you.
I'll kill you last.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Everyone wants George to do it.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Except George.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}SERVO:
I think I just said that joke.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}A very good joke,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}but wars are not won
by making jokes.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: Ah, every party
needs a pooper.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-To win a war...
-SERVO: You need brandy.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}-Lots of it.
-...a nation must concentrate.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}SERVO: I could use a man like
you in my organization. Norm!

{\a1\pos(222,460)}-CROW: Norm!
-SERVO: Norm!

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MIKE: Must go home
and kill parents.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: Plenty of scotch.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Very nice legs, yes.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: Oh, that reminds me,
I have to clean the toilet bowl.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MIKE: What's that say?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Mastery not victory?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: Castro's an okay guy.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}CROW: Dalton Trumbo's
a good screenwriter.

{\a1\pos(183,460)}CROW: Roy Cohn
is our greatest obstacle,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I wonder if there are
any beer nuts left.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(201,460)}MIKE: Mentiary.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: Hey turn it up,
Max Headroom's on.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}CROW: Excuse me,
I have to go

{\a1\pos(12,460)}to the little ubermensch's room.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Something big going on.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Speak up, jerk.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}No longer a rumor,
the blue alert is on...

{\a1\pos(138,460)}SERVO: Nation gripped
by aches and pains.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Here's the news bulletin
from United Press,

{\a1\pos(159,460)}a wireless operator
from Seal Point, Alaska

{\a1\pos(117,460)}reports over 500 planes
were seen

{\a1\pos(117,460)}at 4:20 this afternoon.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Five hundred planes?
What kind of planes?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}MAN: They passed over
Seal Point at an altitude

{\a1\pos(54,460)}of 10,000 feet, heading south.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: Isn't that kind
of a Garth Brooks shirt on?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}CROW: Something
about Armageddon, sir.

{\a1\pos(75,460)}A dispatch from Washington:
All military leaves

{\a1\pos(222,460)}are canceled,

{\a1\pos(75,460)}members of the armed forces
are to report

{\a1\pos(75,460)}to the nearest headquarters
immediately.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}SERVO: All public
and parochial schools...

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Good-bye.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}MIKE: Aren't these wars phony?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}MAN: Nome, Alaska
more than 50 reports

{\a1\pos(75,460)}from all over the territory
have now been received

{\a1\pos(117,460)}hundreds of unidentified
aircraft are unquestionably

{\a1\pos(75,460)}moving south across Alaska.

{\a1\pos(75,460)}The latest report comes from
the seaport of Peace Harbor.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MIKE: Huh, ironic.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: Should we splash
on Old Spice, sir?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: Quack, quack, quack.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}SERVO: Quack, quack.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}CROW: Boss, the plane,
the plane.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}MIKE: Oh, don't.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}CROW: I'm really sorry.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}MIKE: It's the first
Russian doo-wop group.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}MAN: Attention,
all civilian air personnel,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}report any observations
on the identity

{\a1\pos(33,460)}of the approaching planes,

{\a1\pos(183,460)}to the Alaskan
high command immediately.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}-SERVO: Okay.
-MAN: I repeat.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}MAN: Here they come.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}MAN: Attention,
all civilian air personnel,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}report any observations
on the identity

{\a1\pos(33,460)}- of the approaching planes...
-MIKE: You just said that.

{\a1\pos(183,460)}...the Alaskan
high command immediately.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-Can you see their markings?
-Not yet.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: Watch your backside,
Maverick.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}♪ Highway to the
Danger Zone... ♪

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[ Makes sound ]

{\a1\pos(138,460)}They're coming at us.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}CROW: I think
they're enemy planes, sir.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: Ah, plane poop,
the worst kind.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}MIKE: There goes the luggage.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-That's what happens
-CROW: 100-piece

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-action figure.
-MIKE: You know this is

{\a1\pos(138,460)}how my mom dropped me
off at school every day.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-CROW: No.
-MIKE: Yes.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: For some reason
I can't help but think

{\a1\pos(78,460)}Bobbie Gentry
had something to do with this.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}I don't know.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-MIKE: I don't know, either.
-Hold that flag down.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MIKE: I'll do everything,
you guys just stand there.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: Not exactly Iwo Jima.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: The Spruce Goose.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Peace Harbor calling Nome,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Peace Harbor calling Nome.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: Can I take my break
early please?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}The enemy...

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[ Gunshots ]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}...is here.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}CROW: More later.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(138,460)}MIKE: [ Makes sound ]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MAN: Hurry those bombs.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}The Racine JCs

{\a1\pos(201,460)}prepare another
fireworks display.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}MIKE: War, huh,
what is it good for?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}CROW: Absolutely nothing.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}SERVO: Say it again.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MIKE: War, good God, y'all.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}What is it good for?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}CROW: Absolutely nothing.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: Well, let's see here,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}okay, let's pin it on there,
oh, wait, no that's wrong.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}SERVO: Entering
the courtroom are litigants.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}CROW: The most feared
geography teacher

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-of Central High.
-SERVO: Wow.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Here's our headquarters.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Here is the target
for group A for Atlas.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}MIKE: What?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}B for Berlin.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: T for Texas.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}C for Canada,

{\a1\pos(222,460)}D for Dover.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}SERVO: Will we have any
free time during the fall, sir?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}CROW: Wow, they need
their emissions checked.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}SERVO: [ Coughs ]

{\a1\pos(57,460)}MIKE: Should really think
about ride sharing for the war.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: ♪ They're leaving{\r} ♪

{\a1\pos(117,460)}♪ On some jet planes{\r} ♪

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-MIKE: That was too cool.
-This is Marx Manning again,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}ladies and gentlemen,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}unconfirmed reports state
that our jet fighter planes

{\a1\pos(12,460)}have already engaged the enemy.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}SERVO: See, look.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MARX: From the United Press
correspondent

{\a1\pos(138,460)}in Fairbanks, Alaska,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}it's now certain
that the United States

{\a1\pos(117,460)}has been attacked
without warning.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Three civil airports in Alaska
have been captured,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}a dozen more don't reply
to urgent radio calls,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}there's a great deal of static
in the northwest

{\a1\pos(138,460)}probably due to enemy
jamming of the air waves.

{\a1\pos(159,460)}The big mystery now
is why have no cities

{\a1\pos(222,460)}been attacked,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}why did the enemy
throw away surprise,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}yet failed to drop
a single atom bomb?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}CROW: It's long par-5

{\a1\pos(180,460)}leading up
to the nation's capital.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(54,460)}SERVO: It was supposed to be
four sides, but the military

{\a1\pos(201,460)}screwed it up.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Civilian airfields in Alaska,
why?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}He must plan to use them
for staging an attack

{\a1\pos(180,460)}on our factories,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}our cities, our shipyards,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}and our airfields.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}CROW: Eight ball corner pocket.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}He's made several attacks
on the Pacific fleet.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}It was completely wiped out.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}G2 reports
that the attacking forces

{\a1\pos(33,460)}are wearing American uniforms.

{\a1\pos(246,460)}-Wow.
-MIKE: They don't have

{\a1\pos(180,460)}the figures
for American uniforms.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}The question now,
is he going to use his A bomb?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: Because if he is,
I'm not.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: Here they come.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-MIKE: Hey, look...
-Bombs away.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MIKE: ...his helmet
is ribbed for her pleasure.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}SERVO: Wow.
Boy, I feel great.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Nothing could spoil--
[ Servo groaning ]

{\a1\pos(33,460)}CROW: Well, that's what happens

{\a1\pos(96,460)}when you overcook a brat
in a microwave.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}SERVO: Ah, sorry, duck's off.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: ♪ We'll meet aga{\r}♪n

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Do-do-do{\r} ♪

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Well, hmm.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Nobody can drop just one.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Once you get it in your system,
you want it every night.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: That's the same airfield.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}They rebuilt it already.
They're like cockroaches.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}MAN: Bombs away.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}MIKE: He's a very strange man.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Did you invite him?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}CROW: Hey, everybody
it's a beautiful day.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Ah!

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: Bomb's so nice,
he dropped it twice.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}CROW:
We have got to move this base.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}This keeps happening.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Look, a president.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}MIKE: Kind of spooky, actually.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: Kind of like
watching a Yule Log.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}So, ladies and gentlemen,
the long-awaited...

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: What's going
on in sports? Come on.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}The atom bomb has been dropped

{\a1\pos(159,460)}on the United States
of America.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: Oh, wait. It hasn't.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Washington, 10:30 p.m.,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}the Joint Chiefs of Staff
are now in session.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}So far, there have been
official reports

{\a1\pos(75,460)}of only three A-bomb drops.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}CROW: Hey, that's not so bad.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}...but unofficial information
is to the effect

{\a1\pos(201,460)}that additional
military objectives

{\a1\pos(54,460)}have been hit in the northwest

{\a1\pos(33,460)}and on the Pacific coast.

{\a1\pos(75,460)}The bombs used are reported
to be nearly as strong...

{\a1\pos(117,460)}...as the American bomb
dropped on Nagasaki.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: Hey, cut it out over
there.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}We now interrupt
this news summary

{\a1\pos(12,460)}to take you to Washington, D.C.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: You've heard
of Washington, D.C.?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}And so, another day of infamy

{\a1\pos(78,460)}has come
within your lifetime and mine.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}CROW: Uh, sir, we're over here.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Thousands of Americans
have died,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}victims of this
treacherous attack.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: Well, c'est la vie{\r} .

{\a1\pos(54,460)}But it will not go unpunished.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}MIKE: Barkeep,
can I post-date this check?

{\a1\pos(243,460)}...hundreds
of our fastest bombers

{\a1\pos(159,460)}are speeding toward
the enemy's homeland.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}SERVO:
At an incredibly low altitude.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}MAN: We shall bomb their bases,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}and their army,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}their factories,
and their railroads.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-SERVO: Their distilleries.
-MAN: Their harbors

{\a1\pos(138,460)}and their oil fields.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}SERVO: Their toaster factory,
where you get the...

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MAN: Our own atom bomb,

{\a1\pos(222,460)}more powerful
than any the world

{\a1\pos(201,460)}has ever known,

{\a1\pos(243,460)}would wreck
a terrible vengeance

{\a1\pos(201,460)}upon that nation

{\a1\pos(117,460)}whose long threat
to the peace of the world.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: It's under a big W.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}MAN: Today became a reality.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}CROW: Oh, shoot this is Canada.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-MIKE: Oh.
-CROW: Bomb anyways.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MIKE: Mailbox Of Values
pulls out all the stops.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}SERVO:
Nya, nya, nya, nya, nya, nya.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MIKE: The president stated,
"I'm rubber, you're glue.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Everything you bomb
bounces back to you."

{\a1\pos(57,460)}CROW:
They're bombing Moorhead State.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}SERVO: Oh, boy.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Ah, oh that feels good.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-Ah, yeah, ugh.
-CROW: Stop that, Serv.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}You can carpet bomb
in the afternoon

{\a1\pos(33,460)}and entertain guests at night.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Hey, more peanuts up here.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Why, they're practically
giving these things away.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[ Explosion ]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}CROW: They're dropping
little liver pills.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}SERVO: If-- you know,
if I had one of these planes,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I'd go to my house,
put the bombs in my garage,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}and watch Love Connection,
then I'd just tell everybody

{\a1\pos(201,460)}I dropped them.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}That would be better,
wouldn't it?

{\a1\pos(57,460)}MIKE: Oh, fun is fun,
but let's get back to the base.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MAN: And while our bombers

{\a1\pos(159,460)}are carrying the war
to the enemy's homeland...

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-CROW: Are you still here?
-MAAmerican fighter planes

{\a1\pos(75,460)}and the air arm of our fleet

{\a1\pos(222,460)}are valiantly
defending the shores

{\a1\pos(138,460)}of our Pacific coast.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}CROW: Hold on here.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Hello, you're on K-WAR.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Pilots man your planes.
Pilots man your planes.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}SERVO:
And let's be careful out there.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}CROW: As your president,
let me just apologize

{\a1\pos(96,460)}for not having seen
this invasion coming.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(138,460)}CROW: Come on, vogue.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: Wait, come back,
he didn't mean it!

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}CROW: He's safe!

{\a1\pos(138,460)}MIKE: Out of the way.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}SERVO:
Attention, Operation Petticoat

{\a1\pos(96,460)}will not be seen tonight

{\a1\pos(12,460)}because it's not very good.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}CROW: Surrender, Dorothy.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-CROW: Well...
-SERVO: Hmm.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}CROW: You know, this...

{\a1\pos(57,460)}Where's the enemy?
Look at those swept back wings.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MIKE: This was all
cut from Free Willy.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: Yeah, this sucks.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I'm knocking off for lunch.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}CROW: Yeah, me, too.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}MIKE: Yeah,
I suppose I'll go with you.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: Look, I just wanna be
with myself tonight.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MAN: Strike their carrier.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}MIKE: Why is there a dogfight
in the middle of a nuclear war?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}CROW: I got it,
under control, I'm okay.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}I think I'm pulling it up now.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: They mugged
David L. Wolper or something?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[ Explosion ]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(99,460)}MIKE: Would you guys
quit fooling around up there?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}CROW: Thirty hours over Tokyo.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: See, air traffic
controllers go on strike,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}and this is the result here.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}CROW: I've heard of
fear wars... but come on.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(162,460)}CROW:
Hey, is something burning?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Would you look in back there?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Yes, dozens
of stunt fliers

{\a1\pos(57,460)}were killed
during the making of this film.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MIKE: I swear I smell something.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}It's probably okay, but-- ooh.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Now I call upon
all Americans...

{\a1\pos(33,460)}CROW: To reject stock footage.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}...to join ranks
in this bitter struggle

{\a1\pos(117,460)}with the forces of evil.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}-SERVO: Hmm.
-Forces that will never rest

{\a1\pos(201,460)}until they have
conquered the Earth.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}CROW:
Big Brother's kind of shy.

{\a1\pos(75,460)}Or are themselves conquered

{\a1\pos(33,460)}by the united strength...

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-SERVO: Of America.
-...of the free peoples

{\a1\pos(222,460)}-of the world.
-SERVO: Oh.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}CROW: This is
the worst happy hour ever.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Turn it off.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}CROW: Flash,
Pearl Harbor has just been.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Where's the congressman?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}He left for Washington
a couple of hours ago.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}How about that Phil Ohman?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}He's gone, too.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Can you imagine those guys

{\a1\pos(12,460)}attacking the United States
of America?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-SERVO: Pilgrim...
-Yeah, well, we'll shove it

{\a1\pos(96,460)}down their throats.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}This is it,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}the final game
of the World Series,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}and we're the home team.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}-SERVO: And we're the Mariners.
-Give me a beer, Tim,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}while I got some voice left,
will you?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-CROW: A newsman who drinks?
-MAN: Hi.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-CARLA: Hi.
-SERVO: No.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-Is it as bad as it sounds?
-Worse.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}What's the inside joke,
friends?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-MIKE: Oh, my queue rating...
-Oh, we lost part of the State

{\a1\pos(201,460)}of Washington,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}about 50 military airfields
in the west.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-SERVO: Bits of Texas.
-Knocked out by atom bombs.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}It was like a modern
kamikaze attack.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}No matter how many planes
we shot down,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}they kept coming
until one got through.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}CROW: Man, it was cool.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}...was operating from carriers
off the coast of Oregon.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}They've taken a horrific toll
of enemy planes.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}SERVO:
I'm turning in to Dick York.

{\a1\pos(183,460)}How about
the cities in California?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-You mean San Francisco?
-Yeah.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-It hasn't been attacked yet.
-SERVO: World War III separates

{\a1\pos(138,460)}the serious drinkers
from the amateurs.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}But they hit a shipyard
in the state of Washington,

{\a1\pos(222,460)}20,000 dead.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}-Oh, no.
-Oh, yes.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}But what are they up to?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I mean, they wouldn't just
drop a few bombs

{\a1\pos(117,460)}and let it go at that.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}There was a rumor that they
were dropping parachute troops

{\a1\pos(180,460)}near Puget Sound.
In American uniforms.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: It's the end of the world.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Turn it on again, will you, Tim?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}We were trying to pick up
the Tacoma station

{\a1\pos(96,460)}by microwave when I left.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-MIKE: We can do that?
-Do you think there will be

{\a1\pos(96,460)}an actual invasion?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}I wish I knew.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}CROW:
Hmm, that goes down smooth.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-Hard to believe it, but...
-SERVO: Mm-hmm.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}-MIKE: I knew.
-I mean, that this is actually

{\a1\pos(180,460)}happening to us.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Hey, porcupine,
wanna watch me

{\a1\pos(54,460)}make Crow look like an idiot?

{\a1\pos(57,460)}No.
But if you're going to, anyway.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Hey, Crow.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}You rang?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Uh, Crow, I'm having
a terrible time deciding

{\a1\pos(54,460)}which Lois Lane from Superman
I like better...

{\a1\pos(33,460)}-Noel Neill or Phyllis Coates.
-Ahh.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}Well, firstly, Servo,
it's The Adventures of Superman.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}-Ah, of course.
-Secondly, you're not the first

{\a1\pos(33,460)}to grapple with that question.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}There are no easy answers.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-Well, the-- hey, may I?
-Oh, sure.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Hey, Crow, which Lois Lane
do you prefer?

{\a1\pos(99,460)}Well, permit me to put
the Phyllis Coates-Noel Neill

{\a1\pos(12,460)}debate in context, Michael.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Noel Neill played Lois Lane

{\a1\pos(138,460)}in the radio serials
in the '40s,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}so, naturally, one would think

{\a1\pos(96,460)}she was the clear choice
to be Lois Lane

{\a1\pos(96,460)}in the television series
in 1951.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Sure, yeah.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Yes, any layman
might think that.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Actually, it was Phyllis Coates

{\a1\pos(36,460)}who played Lois Lane
in the first year of the series.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Then, Phyllis Coates was ousted,

{\a1\pos(57,460)}and Noel Neill returned
to the role she had originated.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Wow, interesting.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}More than interesting, Mike,
spooky.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}-Oh.
-But I leave

{\a1\pos(117,460)}the conspiracy theories

{\a1\pos(180,460)}to Oliver Stone.
[ Laughing ]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Gee, Crow,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}how were Phyllis Coates
and Noel Neill different?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Good question,
very good question.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Oh, thank you.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}You were at
my Frankfurt lecture series, no?

{\a1\pos(162,460)}Never mind.
Let's compare and contrast

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Phyllis Coates and Noel Neill.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Michael, the chart, please?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Oh, right. Okay. Sure.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}-Chart, yes.
-You see, this chart

{\a1\pos(96,460)}clearly illustrates
that Lois Lane

{\a1\pos(12,460)}as played by Phyllis Coates

{\a1\pos(222,460)}was a tough,
hard-nosed reporter.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Ah, and Lois Lane
as played by Noel Neill

{\a1\pos(96,460)}was sensitive and caring.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Well, let's not get into that
whole Kirk/Picard thing here.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}They were both very good.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}So, which one played
Juan Epstein?

{\a1\pos(141,460)}Well, that's
a very interesting question

{\a1\pos(117,460)}because you see-- hey,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}you just made me look
like a complete idiot.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-You're welcome.
-Thank you.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-Hey. Don't...
-We got movie sign.

{\a1\pos(183,460)}CROW:
Oh, I'm dying. I'm dying.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Doors opening ]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MAN: Here's another
remote-controlled view

{\a1\pos(75,460)}from our portable equipment.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Here are regular
American troops.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}CROW: And here are new,
improved American troops.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}MAN: ...St. Louis, hiding
with the invading paratroopers.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}MIKE: Should we kiss, honey?
I think we should kiss.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}SERVO: I'm a simple cameraman.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}MAN: Ever taken
of American soldiers{\r} .

{\a1\pos(120,460)}-CROW: Oh. Aw. whoa.
-MAN: . ..on American so{\r} il.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}SERVO: Ow.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MIKE: What color is
your parachute?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MAN: Here's the target,

{\a1\pos(75,460)}enemy paratroopers crashing
at a field near Puget Sound.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}CROW: Oh, God,
that hurts, oh, oh, oh.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}MAN:
We are taking these pictures

{\a1\pos(204,460)}from station
TVWN's portable cameras,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}equipped with telescopic lens.

{\a1\pos(75,460)}But even so, our mobile unit

{\a1\pos(54,460)}is within a quarter of a mile
of the actual battle.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}MIKE:
Ah, completely successful, oh.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}MAN: There goes one.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}MIKE: You smell like
breeding stock.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MAN: But it will take more
than a handful of riflemen

{\a1\pos(33,460)}to hold back the thousands
of well-equipped troops

{\a1\pos(78,460)}who are dropping
out of the skies above us here

{\a1\pos(75,460)}in the State of Washington.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}MIKE: Wow.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}CROW: Ooh.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MAN: We're having trouble
with our picture.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}I hope our microwave
is getting through to the east.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}We want all Americans to...
-CROW: Try switching to radar.

{\a1\pos(246,460)}-Well...
-Ladies and gentlemen,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}our connection with Tacoma
has been broken.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}We will restore it
if and when we can.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-SERVO: We certainly will.
-Meanwhile...

{\a1\pos(159,460)}here's the official
confirmation

{\a1\pos(159,460)}of an earlier rumor.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Washington, D.C.,
the Department of Defense

{\a1\pos(222,460)}announces that
the Pacific Shipyards

{\a1\pos(159,460)}have been destroyed
by atom bombing.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}The same bomb smashed the
business district of the city

{\a1\pos(201,460)}with casualties
estimated between 20...

{\a1\pos(96,460)}CROW: Nobody wants
to mention his lisp.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}MIKE: No.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I guess I'd better
get back to San Francisco.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Do you think it's safe?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}It's my town.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}You're gonna try
for an airplane ticket?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}It's what I had in mind.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}I think I'll go along with you.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-CROW: Oh, good.
-...Arizona.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}When I get back home, I'll tell
Edna that I'm not likely

{\a1\pos(96,460)}to forget my dinner date
with her cousin.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MIKE: That guy's Big Boy.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}You go find your plane ticket.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}I'm not hungry, anyway.

{\a1\pos(204,460)}You see
that she gets home safe.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}I'll make it
my personal responsibility.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-SERVO: Uh-huh.
-Good-bye, then.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Take care of yourself, George.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Good luck.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}SERVO: I'd like to invade you,
if you don't mind.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}MAN: This is
an emergency announcement.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}This is
an emergency announcement.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Every able-bodied citizen
is requested to report

{\a1\pos(33,460)}to the nearest hospital to
give blood for the Red Cross.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}SERVO: In-va-va-va-va-vasion.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[ Shuddering ]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}It can't be happening.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}It was a cinch to happen.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MIKE: Oh, you're here?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Last time I met a girl
I really liked,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}they bombed Pearl Harbor.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-CROW: I thought it was...
-What happened to the girl?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}War ended.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}MAN:
♪ Extra paper, America invaded{\r} ♪

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Read all about it{\r} ♪

{\a1\pos(201,460)}♪ Extra paper{\r} ♪

{\a1\pos(96,460)}♪ America invaded{\r} ♪

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Read all about it{\r} ♪

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-MIKE: Oh, that's a walk-on.
-SERVO: Yeah.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Please, let me through.
I'm a Texan.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}WOMAN: Okay. Thanks.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Sorry, nothing for New Orleans.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}-SERVO: Hey. Ooh.
-Anything from Minneapolis?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-Nothing for Minneapolis.
-MAN: Anything for Omaha?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}All flights for Omaha
are sold out, sir.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-Well, how about tomorrow?
-Tomorrow? No.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}-Next week.
-SERVO: Lois Lane got a fro.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}I hope you can help me.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}My wife is very ill in Dallas.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I can get you a reservation
a week from next Tuesday,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}but you have to get a priority.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Here's where you apply
for it, sir.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}CROW:
Oh, Noel Neill, Lois number two.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}WOMAN: ...for Gardiner Field,
Montana.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-Gardiner Field, Montana?
-SERVO: "Can you give me

{\a1\pos(12,460)}a ticket-- Gardiner Field?"

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-Get out of here.
-Is this a business trip?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}No, I wanna go home.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}My husband's there,
and my children.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}They're with him.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}SERVO: I'll save you the time,
they're all dead.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}...all flights to Gardiner Field
have been discontinued.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-Discontinued?
-SERVO: Mm-hmm.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}For how long?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-I'm afraid permanently.
-CROW: Ten thousand years.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}There hadn't been an attack.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Early this morning.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: What a stressful airline.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}An A-bomb.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}MIKE: Hey, look, they're dead.
Let's move it along, lady.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}CROW:
The hat squad consoles her.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}SERVO: So, what are you doing
later on, little lady?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Are you busy or...?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}I don't think we'll do
any good here.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}You know,
there's a bellhop in my hotel,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}you know, with all the angles.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}SERVO: Calls himself Euclid.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}-You're right.
-CROW: Ma'am, we need hookers.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Anything to get to Phoenix
or Tucson?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}All sold out.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}How about San Francisco?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Still a few spaces left,
if you can get a priority.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}SERVO: Anything left
for Uriah Heep?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}-...here.
-Thanks.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}You know, I think I'll try
for San Francisco with you.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Maybe I can rent a car there
and drive home.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Fine, come along.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I'd like a ticket to Seattle.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: Look, they're dead.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}And when you pledge
to the Soviet Union,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}you get this nifty
tote bag and...

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Are you sure you understood
my instructions?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: Idaho, damn it,
show me Idaho.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}We have lost aircraft 8 and 9,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}and there are still two
fields remaining.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-SERVO: Filter fields.
-Here and here.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}CROW:
Now, show me West Virginia.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Regardless of loss,
let's concentrate

{\a1\pos(12,460)}two aircrafts on each one.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[ Indistinct ]
with our own bomb.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}MIKE: [ Indistinct ]
bury the bombs?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}And then order the attack
on San Francisco

{\a1\pos(96,460)}praising the ready stage.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Immediately, Excellency.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}MIKE: Now,
will the dancing Hitlers,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}please get to this side.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: We got a real pretty view
of the dust cloud

{\a1\pos(138,460)}out the right window.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}It's currently 7,000 degrees
in San Francisco.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MAN: New York, Flight 289,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}to San Francisco tower,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}request landing instructions.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: Well, just keep
coming down

{\a1\pos(180,460)}until you're not
in the sky anymore.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Don't you know how to land?

{\a1\pos(183,460)}-Over.
-Tower to TWA Flight 289,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}land on strip three.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}CROW: Hey, look,
there's Tony Bennett's heart.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}SERVO: They're
on Armageddon location

{\a1\pos(12,460)}in beautiful San Francisco.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MIKE: If we're real quiet,
maybe, he won't look up.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}SERVO: Shh.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: Oh, let's go straight
to the wharf.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}MIKE: Oh, Ghirardelli Square.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: Oh, PIER 39, please.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: I really am a cowboy.
We're not gay.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}MAN: This is KRO San Francisco.

{\a1\pos(162,96)}While no A bombs
have fallen on California,

{\a1\pos(159,96)}an unofficial report
from Northern California

{\a1\pos(138,96)}states that six ships
flying the flags

{\a1\pos(117,68)}of six different nations

{\a1\pos(183,96)}were intercepted
by the United States Navy

{\a1\pos(54,96)}and found to be carrying enemy
personnel and equipment.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Turn it off, will you, mac?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Anything you say.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: Let's just talk.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}The Golden Gate,
there is San Francisco.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}SERVO: Ja,
it's home of Rice-A-Roni.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}MIKE: Ja.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}CROW: Well, it looks like
San Francisco is about to be

{\a1\pos(138,460)}sautéed and simmered.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: Hey, you know what?
They're probably going to bomb

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-the Grateful Dead.
-MIKE: Yeah, go, go, go.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-CROW: And Starship, whoo.
-SERVO: Yeah, whoo.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Open fire.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[ Cannon fire ]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}CROW: Go away, you
poopy-caca-head Russians.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[ Cannon fire continues ]

{\a1\pos(33,460)}SERVO: I mean, I'm from Texas,
that's why I dress this way.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}-I'm not gay.
-What's that?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}MIKE: It's the end of the world
as we know it, and I feel fine.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}It's a B-29.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: Why is Knute Rockne,
All-American,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}piloting the plane?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}There is the target.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}SERVO: Good, I got to pick up
some light bulbs.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I love that one.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}CROW: Mantis.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}MAN: Bombs away.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: Help the bombardier.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}SERVO: You know,
they'll bomb Bobby McFerrin,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}and Robin Williams.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}-Hurray!
-MIKE: Yes.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[ Cannon fire ]

{\a1\pos(222,460)}SERVO: B-29.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MIKE: Well, we got them,
might as well use them.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[ Bombs whistling,
explosions ]

{\a1\pos(33,460)}-CROW: Hey, you see all kinds.
-Up ahead, pull up to the curb.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}CROW: I can't stop.
I can't stop.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[ Cannon fire ]

{\a1\pos(54,460)}SERVO: They're just shooting
caps off on a post card.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Squibs.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}CROW: Well, shall we go
in the conference room,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}where it's quieter?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}This is awful.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}How do you like
them guys?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}...San Francisco yet.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}They never got bombed
in the last war.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}You never got it, brother.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-I was in Guadal...
-MIKE: Oh, excuse me.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Mind if I get a cigarette?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Have a cigar.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Oh, thanks.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-MIKE: Better.
-Anybody got a light?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: I think I hear one coming.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[ Explosion ]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}What's the chance of hiring your
cab to drive me there and go...?

{\a1\pos(183,460)}SERVO: Come on,
would you light my cigar?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Good luck.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}SERVO: Stop it!

{\a1\pos(33,460)}You know, it's funny the world
is coming to an end,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}but you and I are sitting here
having dinner?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: Funny ha-ha or?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Boy, I was hungry.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I know what you mean.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}CROW: Yeah,
you ate all my food, you pig.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Every once in a while, I forget
what's happening in the world.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-SERVO: I'm just dumb.
-And feel good.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}MIKE: I have valium blackouts.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}As if I just met a new beau.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}-You have.
-SERVO: Enjoy my headshot.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}One I like very much.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}He likes you even more.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}CROW: Taster's Choice,
the final chapter.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}-SERVO: Yeah.
-War or no war,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}people have to eat and drink.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MIKE: Still got to use
the crapper.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Or make love.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do...

{\a1\pos(201,460)}There have been
no further reports

{\a1\pos(12,460)}of bombing from the west coast.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}But an unconfirmed
report maintains...

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Gentlemen,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}we just smashed his
largest A-bomb plant.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}The next bomb, Oregon.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Our B-36 has reached target
at 2300.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}CROW: It was closed.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}They blew a hole
right through the middle

{\a1\pos(222,460)}of his plant.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}How many workers there?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MAN: About 50,000.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}How many casualties
would you estimate there?

{\a1\pos(78,460)}-SERVO: Oh, a lot.
-...say at least half of them.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}Well, what will happen
if he hits New York, Chicago,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}the way we hit him?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}CROW: Can't you just be happy?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}It'd be tough.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MIKE: Your son drew
another giraffe, sir.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}He's landed paratroops
in California.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}The enemy is dropping
parachute troops

{\a1\pos(54,460)}on the outskirts of the city.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}The Army needs these tanks.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}We got to get on them,
repair them, and do them fast.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}What about the tractors
on the production line?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Oh, get them out of the road,
dump them in the bay, anything.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Let me emphasize
that it's touch and go

{\a1\pos(54,460)}whether we can hold the city.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}A dozen tanks one way or another
can make all the difference.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}We'll get them ready fast.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Tell the men they're on a
24-hour shift

{\a1\pos(33,460)}until those tanks are repaired.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}A 24-hour shift for what?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}To make more money for you?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}We don't have to work
for this rat anymore.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}He's finished.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}All the capitalist rats
are finished.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Why don't you drop dead?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Why does he want to make tanks?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}SERVO: Rick, save me.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}When he could make
more money building tractors,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}he build tractors.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}SERVO: What are you,
County-- oh, wow.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Up, up with hands-- up.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: Tractor Police,
John Deere Squad.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Ah, you are here.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Just in time.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}I'm in charge here now.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}-SERVO: Aye.
-You were right.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Your men will work
a 24-hour shift

{\a1\pos(54,460)}until the tanks are repaired,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}but it is the people's army
who will use them.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[ Gunshots ]

{\a1\pos(201,460)}SERVO: This is
for Alice Chalmers.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Take on the job,
you will get your order.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: Hi, I miss anything?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-SERVO: Oh, whoop.
-Ooh.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}CROW: Let me get two
15-minute break-- oh.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}When middle managers rebel.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}SERVO: Ugh.
Gonna need a new shift super.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Why do people like you always
think you can beat anybody

{\a1\pos(138,460)}with your bare hands?

{\a1\pos(57,460)}MIKE:
That's an interesting question.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}-And I think to...
-I have my life to live for...

{\a1\pos(138,460)}You would build tanks
in this factory.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}CROW:
Don't finish sentences for me.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}You still have time.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Only you will build them for us.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-That's what you think.
-Shut up.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}CROW:
I just wanna build tractors.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Crying ]

{\a1\pos(222,460)}But my orders
are to keep you alive.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}MIKE: So are you gonna finish
the windows?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}We need this factory, you see.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}And you know how to run it
better than anybody else.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}So, there is only one
thing to do.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}You are so dead right.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: Little man,
I think I love you.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I'm just a man who can do it.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(264,460)}CROW: Oh.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[ Gunshots ]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Screams ]

{\a1\pos(54,460)}MIKE: Boy, he almost made it.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}CROW: Okay, I'm dead.
Fine.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Killer day at the office.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}San Francisco fell
at 12:00 today,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}and the invaders have
established a firm foothold

{\a1\pos(117,460)}on American soil.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Our military air bases
within fighter plane range

{\a1\pos(75,460)}of Northern California have
been knocked out by A-bombs.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}MIKE:
That's my boyfriend you know.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}...that the Army is being
withdrawn to a defense line

{\a1\pos(33,460)}along the Western borders
of the Rocky Mountains.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}SERVO: Knock it off over there!

{\a1\pos(180,460)}CROW: Ding.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}We now switch controls
to Washington, D.C.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}for an official message.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}CROW: [ Laughing ]

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Hi, kids.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[ Laughing ]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}SERVO: Oh.

{\a1\pos(75,460)}MAN: Despite a heroic effort
by our Armed Forces...

{\a1\pos(33,460)}SERVO: Bozo has been cancelled.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}MAN: ...the enemy invaders
have now secured San Francisco,

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Oakland,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Astoria, Oregon,

{\a1\pos(159,460)}-and Port Townsend.
-CROW: And Cucamonga.

{\a1\pos(75,460)}MAN: To the people of these
cities I bring this message.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: You're on your own.

{\a1\pos(159,460)}MAN: Do not despair.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}CROW: For those of you
not flash-fried.

{\a1\pos(75,460)}MAN: At 10:00 this morning,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}England and France
declared war on our side.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: France has pledge crêpes.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}MAN: All the nations
included in the Atlantic pact

{\a1\pos(159,460)}have risen to defend
the free world.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}CROW:
With strongly worded cables,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}they're very put out.

{\a1\pos(75,460)}MAN: Despite the unprovoked
nature of the attack,

{\a1\pos(159,460)}the war has not been
as one-sided

{\a1\pos(33,460)}as it may now seem to you.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: I will now read
The Velveteen Rabbit.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MAN: For every atom bomb
dropped on our country,

{\a1\pos(159,460)}we have taken three
to the enemy's heartland.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}SERVO: Whoo.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}MAN: And we have huge stocks
of atomic weapons in reserve.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}CROW: Everything must go.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MAN: Stocks large enough

{\a1\pos(54,460)}to eventually crush the enemy
on his native soil.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MIKE: He's always bragging
about his huge stocks.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}MAN: And end forever his power
to make war

{\a1\pos(117,460)}on any nation anywhere.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}So be of good courage.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: I think Peggy Noonan
wrote the speech.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}MAN: For we have met
the first shock of aggression,

{\a1\pos(159,460)}and we have returned
blow for blow.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}CROW: And that boy's name

{\a1\pos(180,460)}was Raymond Burr.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MAN: And even as I
speak to you,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}CROW: I'm not wearing pants.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MAN: our Pacific fleet

{\a1\pos(117,460)}is carrying the conflict
to the enemy's homeland.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}SERVO: But first,
victory at sea.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}[ Cannon fire ]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Excuse me, are you
the enemy's homeland?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}[ Cannon fire continues ]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MIKE: We're destroying
their beach resorts

{\a1\pos(96,460)}and vacation areas.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}CROW: Another senseless
fly-by shooting.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}SERVO: The Dean Martin-
Jerry Lewis feud is heating up.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I wish they'd go back
to that president's speech.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}That was a lot more fascinating.

{\a1\pos(267,460)}CROW:
Yeah, that was great.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}SERVO: Remember
that president's speech?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: Oh, how can I forget?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Loved it.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[ Gunshots ]

{\a1\pos(54,460)}SERVO: Oh, not Levittown, no!

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-MIKE: Not the hog barn!
-SERVO: Please.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[ Gunshots ]

{\a1\pos(99,460)}CROW:
They bomb our nation's hobos.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}SERVO: They took out
Boxcar Willie.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[ Gunfire, explosion ]

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Ooh.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MIKE: Come on, aren't they
overreacting just a bit?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: I think someone's
heated up here.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}CROW: The Carnival Cruise Line
fights back.

{\a1\pos(75,460)}♪ If you could see me die. ♪

{\a1\pos(33,460)}SERVO: Wait, these many bombs?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Must be a comedy club.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}ALL: [ Laughs ]

{\a1\pos(36,460)}MIKE: Do they have to follow
the freeway when they're flying?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}SERVO: I guess.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}CROW: The freeway
to the danger zone.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}So, World War III is gonna be
a lot like World War II.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-SERVO: Looks like.
-MIKE: Mm-hmm.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}CROW: Similar design.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: Ratatat-tat.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Ratatat-tat.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MIKE: No, I can't swim.
I have tubes in my ears.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}SERVO: Hey.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}I'm fine, just a little dizzy.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}No problem,
I've got it under control.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}CROW: And I'll just put
your arm back on.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}MIKE: Mount Man.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-SERVO: [ Chuckles ]
-How do you feel?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}I feel great.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}How much of the red stuff
did you take out?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Just a pint.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}The next time
I'll give you a fifth.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}All right, come around
in about 12 weeks.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: I only hear that joke
about eight million times a day.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}MAN: Hi, honey.

{\a1\pos(204,460)}FEMALE: Hey,
what are you doing here?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Oh, I thought I'd spare you
a few red corpuscles.

{\a1\pos(183,460)}-Swell.
-SERVO: War's been a boon

{\a1\pos(222,460)}to this guy.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Tried to join
the Air Force today...

{\a1\pos(54,460)}CROW: Tried to join as a WAC.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Ninety thousand guys
are trying to join now

{\a1\pos(12,460)}that it's too late to train men.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}What they need is equipment.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}What we need is blood.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}MIKE: Well, take all of his.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MAN: You sure you know
what you're doing, huh?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-CARLA: Please.
-SERVO: But now that you

{\a1\pos(180,460)}mention it,
I do have no idea.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-It's cold.
-Don't be such a sissy.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}CROW: Did you ever see
The World According to Garp?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: Ow, ow, oh.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}-Make a fist.
-Okay.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-You know you're beautiful?
-CROW: Yes, I know.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}We're ready.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Does she know what she's doing
with that thing?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-You can trust her.
-Yeah, I don't trust--

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I trust you, I don't trust...

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: Because she had thing
and I was with the thing.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: [ Laughing ]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MIKE: He has no blood.
There's no blood in him.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}He has...

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: Man, I really like cattle.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MAN: All over America,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}long lines are forming
in front of

{\a1\pos(159,460)}Red Cross Blood Bank
centers,

{\a1\pos(57,460)}but authorities estimate
that another five million pints

{\a1\pos(117,460)}are needed immediately.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Even more if they ramp up
bomb attacks

{\a1\pos(159,460)}on the major centers
of population.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}SERVO: Oh, I'm sorry.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}I didn't mean you look exactly
like Linda Hunt.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Gosh, it's sure great to talk
to my kids

{\a1\pos(96,460)}from Boulder City.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Take the first turn
to the right.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Not far to go, huh?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}We'll be home in 10 minutes.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}You'll be home, brother, not me.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}They got a new flag
over my home.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}SERVO: Whoo.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}That's too bad.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: But just drive, okay?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Got any family
in San Francisco?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Just me and the cab.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I'll give the two of you
a job on my ranch.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Oh, thanks.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: And there's
an airport fee,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}you know that, right?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Look at those bombers.

{\a1\pos(204,460)}I'm sure glad
we've got a lot of them.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}You said it.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}SERVO: Mm-hmm.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Huh?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Jet bombers with
swept-back wings.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I got you.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}We just intercepted a jet
attack headed this way.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}They think maybe
the dam's a target.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}How many planes?
How far away?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}How many planes?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-I got you.
-SERVO: How far away?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Last seen at six C for Charlie.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-SERVO: You just talk to him.
-About a dozen jets,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}120 miles west of here.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}They about shot down
most of them.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}SERVO: Oops,
stock footage at 3:00.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}What's that?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}CROW: Yeah, it's about a dozen
jets heading this way.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Oh, my God!

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Post 327 to command,
post 327 to command,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}enemy jets approaching,
Boulder Dam.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Enemy jets approaching
Boulder Dam.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Enemy planes coming in.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Open fire.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: The Guns of Navarone
versus the Demonic Toys.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}And Dollman is there.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}CROW: Don't let them
get to the gift shop.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}MIKE: If you shoot them down,
you just have to clean them up.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: This makes me pine
for Red Dawn.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}CROW: Avenge me.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}-Avenge me.
-Three jets attacking dam.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}MIKE: I mean, darn, excuse me.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}SERVO: Launch cargo.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}MIKE: Just realized
the president's approval rating

{\a1\pos(96,460)}must be plummeting.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: How do I not dive anymore?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Hey, those zooms are deadly.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Wow.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}MIKE:
Vince Coleman's final revenge.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}CROW: Despite the best efforts
of the little Dutch boy...

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[ Explosion ]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Sounded like something
blew up.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}MAN: Emergency announcement.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Enemy planes are attacking
Boulder Dam.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I repeat, enemy planes
are attacking Boulder Dam.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: Good thing I brought
the motorman's helper.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}MAN: The dam's...

{\a1\pos(54,460)}MAN: Attention, all citizens,
Boulder Dam has been destroyed

{\a1\pos(117,460)}by enemy actions.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Evacuate all low ground
immediately.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Attention, all citizens.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}Step on it,
we got to get to my family.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MIKE: This guy's gonna be
so mad when he finds out

{\a1\pos(117,460)}there's an express bus
he could've taken.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(141,460)}CROW: Sir,
you're up to about $11,000,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}sure you don't want me
to drop you off?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Look at that.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: Gee, Central Casting
sent over a family.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Daddy!

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MAN: The dam's out.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}-WOMAN: The dam?
-MAN: Yes, they bombed it.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Boulder Dam.
Get in, quick, hurry.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MIKE: Oh, great to see you
too, honey.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}♪ Up through the ground
came a-bubblin' crude ♪

{\a1\pos(117,460)}♪ Water that is ♪

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Water will be a hundred
feet deep here any minute.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}What happened?
What happened?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Those bombers that just flew
over, they weren't ours.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Can't you go any faster?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}SERVO: Sure, I'd drive you here
from San Francisco,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}but I guess I am a jerk, huh?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-Mommy, I'm scared.
-Shh, darling.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}MIKE: Usually when there's a
flood, you can never find a cab.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Am I right here?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}CROW: We should've got
a Checker cab.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: [ Humming ]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-Hank, oh.
-Faster, faster.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: Oh, guess the water
knew a shortcut, huh?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[ Screaming ]

{\a1\pos(120,460)}-SERVO: Oh.
-MIKE: I knew I'd get soaked

{\a1\pos(96,460)}for this cab ride.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}SERVO: The meter
is still running, pal.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Oh, ironically he always used
to leave his hat in cabs.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}CROW: Hmm, sad.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-MIKE: Oh, look at this.
-SERVO: Oh, my God.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}MIKE: Boy, when
that doll wets...

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[ Chuckles ]

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Destruction of Boulder Dam
by an atomic missile today

{\a1\pos(99,460)}was only the culminating
disaster in what will go down

{\a1\pos(33,460)}in history as Black Friday

{\a1\pos(138,460)}for the United States
of America.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}CROW: Or freaky Friday.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MAN: At 10:27 this morning,
off the coast of California,

{\a1\pos(159,460)}an American warship
was the victim

{\a1\pos(54,460)}of another new atomic weapon,

{\a1\pos(75,460)}when the carri{\r}Crown Point

{\a1\pos(138,460)}suffered a direct hit
by an atomic torpedo,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}first victim of a weapon
that threatens

{\a1\pos(117,460)}the very existence
of the United States fleet.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}The{\r} Crown Point waged
a gallant fight for survival

{\a1\pos(75,460)}but at 5:20 this afternoon,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}the fire reached
her boiler room,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}and Capt. Headley gave
the order to abandon ship.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}SERVO: Wise decision, captain.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MIKE: We told Dom DeLuise
to stand in the middle,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}but I blame this on Exxon.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Meanwhile,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}flames swept the entire
State of California tonight,

{\a1\pos(222,460)}as the people
of the Pacific Coast

{\a1\pos(159,460)}put their industrial
establishments

{\a1\pos(222,460)}to the torch,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}rather than allow them
to fall into enemy hands.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}SERVO: Oh.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MAN: Here is a food
warehouse in Oakland...

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MIKE: The chicken's done.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MAN: ...its owners to keep
the thousands of tons of flour

{\a1\pos(75,460)}and sugar it held from being
used to feed the enemy.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-SERVO: War and peace.
-MAN: This is Richmond,

{\a1\pos(162,460)}California,
land of western petroleum.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-CROW: No, it's not.
-MAN: A million gallons

{\a1\pos(54,460)}of high-test airplane gasoline

{\a1\pos(201,460)}go up in flames

{\a1\pos(183,460)}to implement
the Scorched Earth policy

{\a1\pos(138,460)}with which a resolute
civilian population

{\a1\pos(54,460)}is meeting the first invasion
of America

{\a1\pos(138,460)}since the War of 1812.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MIKE: When was that war?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}MAN: Disaster follows disaster

{\a1\pos(138,460)}as railroad employees
wreck their own trains

{\a1\pos(117,460)}to slow the enemy drive.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: Pretty dumb, huh?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MAN: A steel plant

{\a1\pos(201,460)}built at a cost
of $50 million dollars

{\a1\pos(159,460)}burns to the ground.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}CROW: And Allstate is there.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}One part of the
terrible financial

{\a1\pos(138,460)}balance sheet of war.

{\a1\pos(159,460)}Billions of dollars
of property lost

{\a1\pos(54,460)}to the American people forever

{\a1\pos(33,460)}because we did not provide

{\a1\pos(159,460)}a strong enough army
to protect ourselves.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}SERVO: Aw.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}I heard they got 10,000
transport planes

{\a1\pos(96,460)}flying in soldiers.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Probably got half a million
men in California by now.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}-SERVO: Well, the...
-Fella I know said his brother

{\a1\pos(96,460)}heard he had better
than 60 ships

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-in the San Francisco Harbor.
-SERVO: You see the problem...

{\a1\pos(138,460)}They landed a couple
of hundred heavy tanks

{\a1\pos(138,460)}and maybe a thousand
atom bombs.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}The way I figure it's this:

{\a1\pos(138,460)}They know they can't
fight all the way

{\a1\pos(96,460)}across the United States.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}You know, this landing's
just a diversion, see?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I mean, they're just waiting
for us to send

{\a1\pos(96,460)}our whole army out west.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Then they'll overrun Europe.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Jesus. That's what they're
after - airplane bases.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}-SERVO: Can't talk to you, too.
-...get them, they'll start

{\a1\pos(54,460)}to bomb Pittsburgh, Detroit,
places like that.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}And we sure bombed the daylights
out of them yesterday.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Oh, another drink, Tim.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-CROW: Sure, Mr. Hot.
-Coming right up.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}How about letting me
buy you one?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}MIKE: You come
to this war often?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}No, thanks.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Might as well have another.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}You know what the fellow says,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}"Drink and be merry,
for tomorrow we die."

{\a1\pos(138,460)}CROW: Not that funny
when it's true, Ed.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}I'd rather not, thanks.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MIKE: I need more woman friends.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Well, this war has really put
a spring in my step.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-Hi, honey.
-Hi.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-How's the blood bank?
-It's fine.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}And we've got a new record
this week.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}You set a record with me
a long time ago.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MIKE: God, I'm smooth.
Anyway...

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Give me a beer, Tim, huh?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Well, they turned me down
again today.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}The Air Force?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Navy this time.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Air Force doesn't want me,
army doesn't want me,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Navy doesn't want me.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}CROW: Apparently,
I'm too good-looking.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}That's the best thing
I've heard today.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}I mean it, too.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: You're a Hindu.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Why wouldn't the Navy take you?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-Same old story.
-CROW: They're jealous.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}More men than
they have weapons for.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Soldier is no good without a gun
and a sailor is no good

{\a1\pos(201,460)}without a ship.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Don't let it get you down, chum.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Remember old Tim's motto.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Let Jack do it.

{\a1\pos(267,460)}-Jack?
-CROW: What the hell?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}TIM: George's brother.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}MIKE: Well, the whole George
thing just isn't that funny.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Oh, you're killing me.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: You set a record with my--
oh, yeah, used that, hmm?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-Right now?
-Right now.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}I'm with you.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}CROW: And I'll be back
for you later, Timmy.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}TIM: Hey, Vince.
You forgot your beer.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}-You drink it.
-SERVO: I don't drink this

{\a1\pos(264,460)}-swill...
-Yeah.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}[ Glugs ]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Laughs ]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MIKE: He's got cirrhosis
of the liver.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Tim, you're a character.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}What are you gonna do now
that there's a war on?

{\a1\pos(141,460)}Same thing I did
in the last couple of wars.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Shake daiquiris.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}SERVO: I'm a patriot.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: You should do comedy.
You're just so funny.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Laughs ]

{\a1\pos(225,460)}MAN:
Emergency announcement.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}-SERVO: Hmm?
-Radar screens have picked up

{\a1\pos(138,460)}unidentified aircraft
approaching New York.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-SERVO: Radar.
-The red alert is on.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}I repeat,
emergency announcement.

{\a1\pos(159,460)}Unidentified planes
approaching New York.

{\a1\pos(159,460)}The red alert is on.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}CROW: Patty's in trouble again.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}You suppose they're really
going to bomb New York?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}They threatened to.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}It was on the newswire.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}We didn't wanna release it
and start a panic.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: We thought it would
make a nice surprise.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}I'm not afraid.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}I'm not afraid at all.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}SERVO: Neither am I, let's go.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}-MIKE: Yeah.
-CROW: This is our war.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Carla, there may not be
much time left,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}but in the few days there are,
I want to spend it with you.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I want that, too.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Doors closing ]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-I am Mr. Jenga.
-Jenga, Jenga, Jenga.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-Hey, I win again.
-Hey.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}SERVO: What's so hard
about this game, anyway?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}MIKE: Servo,
that's not the point.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}SERVO: Then, what is the point?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}[ Indistinct chatter ]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}BOMB: Hey, hiya.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}-Hi.
-Hey, Mike.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}It looks like some kind of bomb.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Some kind of bomb?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I'm the bomb, kid!

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I'm it, Mr. A1-Armageddon-

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Duck-and-Cover-end-of-the-world-

{\a1\pos(96,460)}flesh-melting-atom-bomb.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Wow.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}But you can call me Bomb.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MIKE: Why so glum, Bomb?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}You're looking
at a dinosaur, kid.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I could remember the salad days,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}lounging in the belly

{\a1\pos(222,460)}of the B-52,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}cruising up and down

{\a1\pos(138,460)}the coast of Yakutsk.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I meant something, then.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Hey, Lenny,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}how about another
Manhattan project,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}put it on my tab?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}You probably don't even remember

{\a1\pos(96,460)}the Cuban missile crisis.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MIKE: Well, I, you know...

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Let me tell you something.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Bombs don't kill people.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Well, I guess maybe they do,
but the point is,

{\a1\pos(222,460)}I can be used
for good things, too.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}You want a big stinking hole
in the ground?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}I'm your man.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Should you really be smoking?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Oh, the crap I take from these

{\a1\pos(96,460)}sandal-wearing burnouts.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}You can't help a kid
with nuclear arms.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}Oh, yeah.
What do you call these, huh?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Oh,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I better mellow out.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Core temperature
is starting to heat up.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Yeah.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Well, I feel kind of funny.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}I-- boom.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Screams ]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}I'm just kidding, guys.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-Oh, be careful.
-Geez.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}It can't be that bad, Mr. Bomb.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Things are looking up.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Take North Korea, for instance.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Oh, yeah, the instability
in Eastern Europe.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}-Yeah.
-There's always a despotic

{\a1\pos(117,460)}dictator or two looking
for Mr. Good Bomb.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}-Sure.
-Yeah.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}That's right.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}You got a point there, you know?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}I guess things
ain't so bad, after all.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Yeah, I feel better already.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-Thanks, guys.
-Yeah. sure.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}I think I'll go call
that weasel Helen Caldicott up

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I like to breathe real heavy
and then hang up.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}She knows.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Laughs ]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Hey, thanks again.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}See you.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-Okay, no problem.
-Bye.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Laughs ]

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-Oh, sweet guy, huh?
-Yeah.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}I'm sure glad
we could cheer him up.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}-Yeah.
-Say, Mike,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}did we just do something
horribly wrong?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-Yeah, I think so.
-Oh.

{\a1\pos(183,460)}-Oh, boy.
-Oh, we'll be right back.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}-I hope.
-Yeah.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-SERVO: Lovely bomb, huh.
-CROW: Mm-hmm.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}New York's really gone downhill.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MIKE: I guarantee you one thing.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}The cockroaches will be okay.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}CROW: Yeah.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: I wanna burn up

{\a1\pos(54,460)}in a city that never sleeps.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}CROW: This is all
Andrew Giuliani's fault.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}SERVO: Okay, London is burning,
but what about New York?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}CROW: Try getting a cab now.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: At least there's
no school tomorrow.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MIKE: Oh, Sid and Nancy
stayed there.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-SERVO: The Chelsea Hotel.
-CROW: Irwin Allen's

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Straight
Out Of Brooklyn.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}SERVO: I'd loot,
but what would I get?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[ Chuckles ]

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MIKE: At least everyone
who lived through the blitz

{\a1\pos(180,460)}can rest assured
it's been immortalized

{\a1\pos(96,460)}as filler for this movie.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}CROW: Barney Rubble.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}MIKE: God,
I must've been fantastic.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}Oh, no.
No, are we late for happy hour?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Hi, perhaps you recognize me.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I'm a very popular radio
and TV personality.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}CROW: My daiquiri!

{\a1\pos(222,460)}-Is he okay?
-He's dead.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: Even in death, he amuses.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Carla.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MIKE: Our bartender died.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}CROW: Thank God.
For a minute I thought this war

{\a1\pos(33,460)}was gonna affect me personally.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Crying ]

{\a1\pos(33,460)}MIKE: So, this is the elevator?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Screams ]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}First estimates indicate
that more than 30,000 dead

{\a1\pos(117,460)}with the victims of the
A-bombing of New York City,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}when an enemy plane
pierced our defenses

{\a1\pos(54,460)}and dropped its deadly cargo
late last night.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}-CROW: Sufferin' succotash.
-Along with the heavy steel

{\a1\pos(33,460)}and concrete construction
of city skyscrapers

{\a1\pos(117,460)}held down the death toll

{\a1\pos(12,460)}as more than 50,000 injured

{\a1\pos(12,460)}filled New York hospitals alone.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-MIKE: What hospitals?
-City and state civilian

{\a1\pos(201,460)}defense workers
are on a 24-hour shift,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}and aid is pouring
into New York City

{\a1\pos(138,460)}from every direction.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-MIKE: Or into London.
-Any further report

{\a1\pos(117,460)}on the New York attack?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Here are some air pictures
of the damage.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}About a third of the city
has been quarantined.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}-Radiation.
-SERVO: Lot of owies and stuff.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}How did the radiation casualties

{\a1\pos(117,460)}compare with the direct
fatalities?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-MIKE: Really good.
-No report on that yet.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}What's his purpose?

{\a1\pos(57,460)}Why should he capture one
small part of the Pacific Coast

{\a1\pos(201,460)}and then stop?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}He may be stockpiling A-bombs

{\a1\pos(33,460)}to hit our industrial centers,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}in which case, this may have
been a probing attack

{\a1\pos(138,460)}to test our defenses.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}CROW: Don't say probing, sir.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Today, we made
the critical attack.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}SERVO: It's a spebs... meeting.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Every man, speak English,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}every man, wear
United States uniform.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: And we will dress
like village people.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Our six generals are dead.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}All government officers

{\a1\pos(12,460)}killed these people today.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}All soldiers--

{\a1\pos(96,460)}what is the word for...?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-SERVO: Linguine, sir.
-Soldier.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Oh, yeah.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Infilter.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Our soldiers infilter
and assassinate.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}No one likes to give order.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}No command for the army.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}No leader for the government.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Ezra Pound wrote that.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}The bombing of New York
be a diversion?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}CROW: From what?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}To keep our all air strength
away from the West.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}CROW: Oh.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Or it could be,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}perhaps, that's what
he wants us to think.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-SERVO: Oh, he's a knob.
-Perhaps he'd like us to send

{\a1\pos(96,460)}everything west and leave
the East Coast unprotected.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I don't believe we've seen
his main attack yet.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Put the red alert on everywhere.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-CROW: I get to do it.
-MIKE: No, I'll do it.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}-CROW: No, I'm doing it.
-MIKE: You fend their attacks.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: Size-14 navy pants,
and your next item, please?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}CROW: Take out wrenched ankle.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Ha, ha.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}MIKE: Hmm.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}I hate it when wars are rerun.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: Happy birthday,
Plain States.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}CROW: I wonder
what they are doing.

{\a1\pos(36,460)}SERVO: Despite the war,
meaningless activities continue.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Meanwhile, at Milton Bradley...

{\a1\pos(96,460)}CROW: I'm putting an end
to this right now.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}MAN: One unidentified craft,
Section Charlie, zone four.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Looks like a transport.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Yes, that's the third.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Better go after it.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}MAN: Group three,
rendezvous at Section Baker.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Get going, fellas.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}MIKE: Put out your cigarettes.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Uh-oh.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}No, don't go out there.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}No, I sense stock footage.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}CROW: Oh, boy.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}I'm flossing my hinder,
even as I fly.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}SERVO: I like the way
my outfit feels.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}MIKE: These Boy Scout
overnights are getting intense.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}CROW: Excuse me, Steve,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I believe this is my
flight pattern.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Thank you very much.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}MIKE: Oh, pardon me.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}We picked up three unidentified
transport planes.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Big boys.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}That's the Joker.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}One south, one east,
and one north.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}You sent out interceptors?

{\a1\pos(78,460)}-After all three.
-CROW: I'm rankishly handsome.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-You don't suppose...
-There have been no reports

{\a1\pos(96,460)}from the west, sir.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Ring post 21.

{\a1\pos(99,460)}-Yes, sir.
-SERVO: So I've seen catholic

{\a1\pos(117,460)}school clothing drives
better organized than this.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Phone ringing ]

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[ Whistling ]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}CROW: You wanna get that?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}SERVO: No, you?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}CROW: Just let it ring.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: God, I'm beat. Man,
what a day.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}-Oh.
-ARTHUR: And so,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}in this critical hour...

{\a1\pos(96,460)}CROW: Let's make cookies.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}...I call upon the Congress
of the United States

{\a1\pos(54,460)}to back its military leaders

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-with the last dollar.
-MIKE: Oh, no, Grand Funk.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}-Whoo!
-The last man-hour of labor.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MIKE: You're not funny.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}ARTHUR: The last American life.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-CROW: No.
-SERVO: No.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}MIKE: Stock footage.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: Empire of the Sun
didn't have as many planes.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}CROW: We never talk anymore.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}SERVO: Okay, hang on.
We're-- Russians, right?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Or are we Americans
dressed as Russians?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}I'm confused.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}MIKE: You guys
want your parachutes?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}CROW: Oh.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Is this biblical, like a plague
of Russian covers the Earth,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}something like that?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}MIKE: Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}SERVO: Pardon me one second.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}CROW: Excuse me, Ivan.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}MIKE: Dmitri, I'm leaving next.
Thank you.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: This is what happens when
you parachute between 5:00

{\a1\pos(96,460)}and 7:00 in the evening.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}CROW: [ Yawns ]
...parachuting.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}MIKE: Yeah, that's pretty much.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: The McLaughlin Group
from the skies.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}CROW: I ask you,
Morton Kondracke...

{\a1\pos(33,460)}SERVO: One of these parachutes
was washed in Tide,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}the others weren't.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: Ah, the sandy beaches
of Dupont Circle.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MIKE: This plane comes
with a convenient handle

{\a1\pos(96,460)}so it totes easily.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Call now.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}CROW: Heck of a luge run.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}SERVO: Oh, no.
They're hitting us

{\a1\pos(33,460)}with Don "The Snake" Prudhomme.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Whew.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}CROW:
Obsessive-compulsive skydiver.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Oh, four of my chutes
didn't open.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Oh, I'm okay.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MIKE: The Piano Part 2,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-Where Pianos Dare.
-SERVO: Where pianos dare.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}CROW: So, what part
of Washington D.C. is this?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MAN: Where's the Capitol?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Hello? Hello?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Yes, sir.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}Outpost 26
calling general headquarters

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-priority line.
-CROW: Grand Hotel.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Hello?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}They've landed where?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}SERVO: My patio?
That's going too far.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Across the Potomac

{\a1\pos(138,460)}in American uniforms?
Standby for...

{\a1\pos(54,460)}SERVO: Potomac, what's that?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Double the companies guarding
the White House, the Capitol,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}the senate building
and the House.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Yes, sir.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}And have them
challenge everybody

{\a1\pos(117,460)}no matter what uniform.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}MIKE: Challenge some people.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}-Challenge almost all people.
-Halt.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Who goes there?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Company B, 183rd Infantry.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}183rd, that's an Illinois
outfit, ain't it?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Yes, yes.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-Chicago, Illinois.
-MIKE: Do you know Bob?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Did you ever go see
the Cubs play?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: Yeah, they won.
Oh, damn, no.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Cubs?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}A cub is a young animal, a bear.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Sergeant of the guards!
Sergeant of the guards!

{\a1\pos(180,460)}CROW: No, no, no.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Ooh.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Halt, who goes there?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: The Cubs, that's turtles--

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Oh, never mind.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}ARTHUR: If we as members
of Congress

{\a1\pos(33,460)}have ever been lacking in vigor
in our nation's defense...

{\a1\pos(33,460)}SERVO: Bring on the strippers.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}...if we have ever failed
to realize

{\a1\pos(180,460)}the urgency
of the nation's peril...

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MIKE: Well, then, sorry.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}...let us be
doubly vigilant now.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Let us set an example
of fighting Americanism...

{\a1\pos(54,460)}CROW: We got to get him off,
we're losing the crowd.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}-SERVO: Zoinks.
-ARTHUR: Let us continue to...

{\a1\pos(138,460)}CROW: I call shut up.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Gentlemen, gentlemen,
the enemy is attempting

{\a1\pos(12,460)}to seize the seat of government!

{\a1\pos(96,460)}We are surrounded!

{\a1\pos(138,460)}CROW: One more song,
and then we got to go.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Hide your prostitutes.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Do you remember
what Senator Baker said

{\a1\pos(180,460)}when the Military
Appropriations Bill

{\a1\pos(180,460)}came up for vote?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}He said we could safely reduce
our armed forces

{\a1\pos(264,460)}by half.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}He wasn't only wrong, he's dead.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MIKE: Guess he won't do
that again.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}CROW: Sorry, Bob,
they're out of pineapple.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Enemy demands surrender
of my state

{\a1\pos(96,460)}or threatens to atom bomb
our principal cities.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Can you protect me?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Signed, Gov. Clayton.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Can you?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}SERVO: Tell him yes,
then postdate the letter.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}How do we stand?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}We're driving him
out of the city.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}In another 24 hours,
the government will be safe.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Well, I'm glad to hear that.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Gentlemen, gentlemen,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}they've invaded New York.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}ALL: New York City?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}...the window here at our
improvised radio transmitter.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: I'm so admirable,
you know.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}I saw hundreds of enemy troops
moving in the streets below.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}MIKE:
He's speaking into his Emmy.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}...before they find us and take
this station off the air.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Vince, they're coming
into the building now.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}In the little time we have left,
I wanna tell you how proud

{\a1\pos(12,460)}you can be of the ordinary
citizens of New York.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}It seems every man
and boy today has become

{\a1\pos(159,460)}a guerilla fighter.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I saw taxi drivers use
their cabs as weapons,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}to mow down enemy troops.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I saw high school boys
attack enemy tanks

{\a1\pos(201,460)}with pop bottles
full of gasoline.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I saw modern policemen
become a fighting...

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MAN: We take over now.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}-[ Gunshot ]
-Oh, Vince.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}SERVO: That was
the Mercury Players

{\a1\pos(96,460)}presenting Invasion USA.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}MAN: The people's
government of America

{\a1\pos(159,460)}will take the wealth
from the greedy,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}the speculators,

{\a1\pos(159,460)}and the capitalistic
bourgeoisie.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}CROW: Yakov Smirnoff, no.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MAN: ...workers whose labor
will never again be exploited

{\a1\pos(201,460)}for the benefit
of the warmongers --

{\a1\pos(33,460)}SERVO: They love their country.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}The people's government brings
the citizens of New York...

{\a1\pos(222,460)}-CROW: Fudge.
-...a new freedom.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}-CROW: Oh.
-A freedom based on order.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}A freedom based on loyalty
to the leaders of the party,

{\a1\pos(120,460)}your party,
which will work hand-in-hand

{\a1\pos(180,460)}with the Marxist
Democratic leadership

{\a1\pos(138,460)}of all other nations,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}so that never again
will war be necessary

{\a1\pos(12,460)}among the civilized peoples
of the world.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}MIKE: Well, that guy
makes a lot of sense, too.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I'm torn between mourning
my boyfriend and subscribing

{\a1\pos(180,460)}to Marxist dogma.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Hmm, mourn boyfriend,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Marxist dogma, hmm.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(138,460)}[ Knocking on door ]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}SERVO: Hmm?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}CROW: Hmm?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Red Army cable, open up.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: I am your personal
Stalin representative.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Please step aside.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Is this your boyfriend?

{\a1\pos(99,460)}-Vince.
-SERVO: Oh, I guess he wasn't

{\a1\pos(117,460)}thinking when he asked
to swing by

{\a1\pos(117,460)}his girlfriend's place.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}-MIKE: Mm-hmm.
-They're saving me to broadcast

{\a1\pos(54,460)}the glories of the new order.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}CROW: Norton?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}You're not going
to broadcast for them.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}What do you think?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Hey, buster, do you mind
if we sit down?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}All right.
Sit down.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}SERVO: You got any shoe polish?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I wanna spread it on bread
and drink the alcohol.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Look.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Look, you guys, don't you
drink whiskey, good whiskey?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I drink it myself over there.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Ah, whiskey, whiskey good.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Da.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}-Yeah.
-You try trick, I kill you.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Your woman, too.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}No tricks, no tricks.

{\a1\pos(120,460)}CROW: Geez,
just because you're invading

{\a1\pos(12,460)}doesn't mean you have to be
such a jerk, Ivan.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Good whiskey.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: I didn't realize
the Russian Army

{\a1\pos(117,460)}would have chaperones.

{\a1\pos(57,460)}MIKE: But the Communist
to citizen ratio is remarkable.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}...I'm gonna get you out.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}You don't know
how wonderful it is

{\a1\pos(117,460)}just to see your face,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}to know that you're alive.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}I never thought
I'd see you again, either.

{\a1\pos(78,460)}CROW: I'd never thought
I'd see you alive again first.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Vince, if we could
just stay together.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}We should've met
another time, honey,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}a year ago, a month.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: Look, you're getting
on that Russian.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}A month ago, I wanted
a mink stole.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I thought it was important.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: That touches
my huge heart.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: You got Eagle snack,
maybe dip or something?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Vince, if I had my life
to live over again...

{\a1\pos(117,460)}That's what everybody's
saying, honey.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}MAN: You drink whiskey, too.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Please, no.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}She doesn't want any.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-CROW: What the?
-Drink.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-CROW: [ Gasps ]
-Listen, honey, I...

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Gunshot ]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}CROW: Honey, oh,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}why didn't you just drink
the whiskey?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}MIKE: There, some Miller time.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Get out.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Get out of here.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}He is dead.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Now you my woman.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MIKE: So being romanced
by Mr. French.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}CROW: Hey, hey,
"nyet" means "nyet".

{\a1\pos(264,460)}No.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}CROW: Oh, right in one
of his many soft spots.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-MIKE: Wow.
-CROW: This has happened

{\a1\pos(12,460)}so many times to that guy.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MIKE: It can't be good
for his self-esteem.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}CROW: Dorothy.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Dorothy.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}SERVO: Bartender, what's this
woman doing in my drink?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}MIKE: What the--
it's a dream or some...

{\a1\pos(180,460)}CROW: What?
You didn't know that?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-MIKE: No.
-SERVO: What a knob.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-CROW: [ Laughs ]
-SERVO: Okay, folks.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Drink up.
Hallucination's over.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}CROW: This is very
Jacob's Ladder-esque.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: This happens
every Thursday.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}[ Imitates chicken sound ]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: Everything's normal,
except their pants are missing.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Did I just-- because you were...

{\a1\pos(222,460)}You're alive.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Hey.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}Didn't we fly
to the West Coast together?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: No, shh, we didn't.
No, we didn't, we didn't.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Yes, but what are we doing
back here?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}We are in New York, aren't we?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Are you kidding?

{\a1\pos(96,96)}The man that was sitting
behind that brandy glass,

{\a1\pos(222,68)}where is he?

{\a1\pos(285,68)}Ohman?

{\a1\pos(117,68)}Well, I guess he left.

{\a1\pos(96,96)}CROW: He works for
the Psychic Friends Network.

{\a1\pos(99,96)}Hey, he went out
without paying for his drink.

{\a1\pos(96,68)}You know who he is?

{\a1\pos(12,96)}Well, yeah, he's some kind
of a fortune teller,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}hypnotizes people,
he says.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}MIKE: It's supposed to be
good for you.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Shows them
what's gonna happen.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}A phony if I ever saw one.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-OHMAN: Am I, Tim?
-SERVO: Dude, I mean,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}phony in the good sense.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}CROW: Hello, everyone.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}You know, you only rent cognac.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}SERVO: [ Gulping ]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}CROW: No, he swallowed the girl.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}That's for the drink.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}You asked for me, congressman?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Did you enjoy your little
excursion into the future?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}SERVO: Yeah, put this somewhere.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Thank you.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Mass hypnotism.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}That's what it was.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}-Yeah, exactly.
-Yes.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Then, all that stuff about
the enemy taking over my plant,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}it isn't on the level, is it?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}It isn't really gonna happen?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}It is, unless you do
something to stop it.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: You have to give
to public television.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Tomorrow springs
from today like...

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: Uhh, something.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}...like water from a rock.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}If you want to change
what you will become...

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: Give me a buzz.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}...first change what you are.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}That goes for everybody.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}That goes for everybody.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Good day, everybody.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}CROW: Enigmatic bastard,
isn't he?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}MIKE: Mm-hmm.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Well, I guess I better be going.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Maybe I'll make some
of those tank parts.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}I'll be going with you
as far as Washington.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I've got some things to do also.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Well, I'm in on this, too.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}So long, Tim.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}TIM: So long, fellas.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Come back again.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Finished with your drink?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}-Yes, but...
-I'll take care of her.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Is that the way you want it?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MIKE: Vince and I are gonna make
our own tank parts.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Okay, good luck
to the both of you.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}CROW: You know,
I think hypno-dating

{\a1\pos(12,460)}is the wave of the future.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}-SERVO: Hmm.
-I guess it's my turn.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Do you happen to know
the address

{\a1\pos(12,460)}of the nearest blood bank?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}SERVO: 1300 Me Avenue.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-I'll show you the way.
-SERVO: Wow.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}MIKE: So now they have
a whole history together.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-SERVO: History.
-CROW: Would you mind

{\a1\pos(117,460)}putting on that nurse's
outfit again?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}SERVO: Would you really jump
out a window for me, you nut?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}MIKE: I mean,
would you right now?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[ Laughing ]

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MAN: Father of our country,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}George Washington said...

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MIKE: Hi, I'm George Washington.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MAN: To be prepared for war

{\a1\pos(117,460)}is one of the most
effectual means

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-of preserving peace.
-CROW: So why the portrait

{\a1\pos(96,460)}of Terence Trent D'Arby?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Doors closing ]

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Fellas, this movie
has completely changed me.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Mike, Crow, think of it.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}I mean, this existence
is nothing but some grand

{\a1\pos(12,460)}hypnotic trance created by
some depraved Svengoolie.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I mean, at any time,
we're all gonna wake up

{\a1\pos(96,460)}to our own true reality.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Our true reality

{\a1\pos(117,460)}is that you're nuttier
than a fruitcake.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}I truly believe
this is all a dream.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Uh-huh, and you're
completely convinced?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Mike, honey, I am so sure

{\a1\pos(138,460)}that this is a dream.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I want you to hit me.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}No, no.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}-I'm not gonna hit you.
-Please, I insist.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Now get that clown hammer.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}No, I can't hit you.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I'm not asking you,
I'm telling you.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Get the clown hammer.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}-Hit me.
-Okay, pal.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-This one?
-No, no, no.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}The big one.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}-Come on.
-All right.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}-I mean it, come on.
-This one?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Yeah, yeah, that's the one.
Now, have at me, swing away.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}But I can't hit you.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}-Come on.
-You're my friend.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Have at me.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Okay, fine. I-- but what if this
isn't a dream, though?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Oh, but it is, my friend.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}-It is.
-Hit him, hit him.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I am dream warrior.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Hit me.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}-Send me. It won't do a thing.
-Step aside.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}It's a dream.
It's all a dream.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}-Here we go.
-I love dreaming.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Here we go.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}-This is no dream at all.
-Hit me.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}-Whoa.
-Oh, oh.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}[ Screaming ]

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Oh, well.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Hmm.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Letters?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Yeah, letters.
Good idea.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Why not?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Oh. Oh, my back hurts.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}-Oh.
-Okay.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Well, we'll read this
first one here

{\a1\pos(96,460)}from Alicia Evans and...

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Hi, Alicia.

{\a1\pos(201,96)}...put the text
on still store there.

{\a1\pos(120,96)}-Yeah.
-She just has a nice letter.

{\a1\pos(180,96)}She says hi
and how is everything

{\a1\pos(96,68)}on the Satellite of Love.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}-Good.
-Okay.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}You're not missing much
on Earth.

{\a1\pos(141,460)}-Oh, good.
-That makes me feel better.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I like when you guys
do skits or sing

{\a1\pos(12,460)}or just talk to each other
every half hour.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Those are my favorite parts
of the show.

{\a1\pos(204,460)}-Uh-huh.
-I like to draw pictures

{\a1\pos(180,460)}of when you guys
do stuff like that.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}-And then she includes some...
-Pictures.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}-Ooh.
-Very colorful pictures...

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-Those are nice.
-Oh, we'll skip that one.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}That's nice.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Back up there.
Hey, what's that one?

{\a1\pos(162,460)}This one says,
"Mike in his sailor suit."

{\a1\pos(180,460)}CROW: Very nice.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}I like the...

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Rugged, huh?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Well, not really.

{\a1\pos(162,460)}-All right.
-Definitely home on leave.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}And then the last one
is a picture of us all

{\a1\pos(138,460)}and put that up there
and it says,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"Gypsy sings well,"

{\a1\pos(33,460)}which, you know, I don't know.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}"Crow had a really cool hat on."

{\a1\pos(222,460)}-I had a hat.
-He probably did.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Mike has a smile--
always has a smile...

{\a1\pos(57,460)}-Aw, that's sweet.
-...that's forced onto my face.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}And Tom is the smartest
of the robots.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}-Well...
-Not anymore, huh?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}No.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}-Ooh!
-Claude?

{\a1\pos(285,460)}-Funny.
-Vivian?

{\a1\pos(120,460)}I'm almost convinced
that this isn't an illusion.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I'm gonna go lie down now.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Oh, oh.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Well, what do you think
you guys?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Is this all an illusion?

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Hmm?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}-You okay?
-SERVO: No.

{\a1\pos(267,460)}-Oh.
-Is life an illusion.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}In your dreams!

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Geez.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Do you believe
these guys, Frank?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Talk about gullible.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Frank?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Who won the World Series?

{\a1\pos(285,460)}I did.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Oh, okay.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Frank, why don't you check
out that guy, hmm?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Halt, who goes there?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Who won the World Series?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Well, until next time,
collective doofuses.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Gunshot ]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(180,460)}[ Music playing ]

{\a1\pos(222,68)}Extra, paper,

{\a1\pos(180,68)}America invaded.

{\a1\pos(96,68)}Read all about it.