Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 7, Episode 20 - Danger!! Death Ray - full transcript

* in the not-too-distant
future *

* way down in deep 13

* Dr. Forrester
and TV's frank *

* were hatching
an evil scheme *

* they hired a temp
by the name of Mike *

* just a regular Joe
they didn't like *

* their experiment
needed a good test case *

* so they conked him
on the noggin *

* and they shot him
into space *

get me down!

* we'll send him
cheesy movies *

* the worst we can
find-- la la la *

* he'll have to sit
and watch them all *

* and we'll monitor
his mind-- la la la *

* now keep in mind,
Mike can't control *

* where the movies begin
or end-- la la la *

* he'll try to keep
his sanity *

* with the help
of his robot friends *

* robot roll call

cambot!

Gypsy!

Tom servo!

Crow!

* if you're wondering how

* he eats and breathes

* and other science
facts-- la la la *

* just repeat to yourself,
it's just a show *

* I should really
just relax *

* for mystery
science theater *

* 3000

[Crow gasps]

Hi, everyone, I'm Mike.

Welcome to the sat--

aah! Crow,
what happened to you?

You like the look?

I got contact lenses.

But your eyes were fine.

Really working out
for me, too.

Yeah, I see that.

Yep, every 15 minutes,

I take them out,
rinse them,

soak them,
then pop them back in

for more easy viewing.

So much easier
than glasses.

And-- and you're not
gonna blink anymore.

These are soft contacts.

You don't have to blink.

We'll be back in a sec.

They look painful.

No, ugh.

It's okay, ah,
there we go.

All right, shh,
no, be still.

Oh, see,
that's your problem.

Okay, oh, ahh.

Oh, that's where
that one went.

There, can you see
a little better now?

Oh, I don't
think so, Mike.

These contacts
must be faulty,

because servo looks like
he has sneakers on.

Well, that's obviously wrong,
because he-- aah!

Servo, what happened to you?

Guess what, Mike?
Just signed myself

a million dollar
contract to endorse

these designer sneakers.

But how can that be?
You don't--

have any feet?

I know,
but that doesn't matter.

I don't need feet.
I'm all charisma.

Now that TV's frank
is my agent,

the opportunities
are limitless.

TV's frank is an agent?

Well, sure,
he's handling actors,

directors, screenwriters--

screenwriters?! Aah!

Hello, TV's frank.

Come in, my good buddy.

Come in, wonderful
frank of mine.

Mm-hmm, yeah,
okay, binky.

Thanks a lot, honey.
I'll get back to you. Thanks.

Talk to me.

Oh, hi, Jeffrey.
Hi, Steven.

Hi, David.
Look, I've been

thinking this over,
and if I'm gonna

help you with
this new project,

frankly, I'm gonna have
to see some resumes.

I'm sorry, I don't know
what you've done.

I-- goodbye!

Yeah? Crow t-baby,
talk to me.

Frank, you've read my spec
screenplays, right?

Earth vs. Soup,
and, of course,

my Peter graves at the
university of Minnesota script.

Now that you're
a big-time agent,

how about representing me?

Crow, I've read
earth vs. Soup,

and, frankly,
it's a big so-what.

As for that other thing,

well, several studios

all over town
are developing their own

Peter graves at the
university of Minnesota
projects.

So, I'm afraid
I don't think I can--

[crow sobs]

Frank, I think
it's awful how

you've become
this phony, flashy

Hollywood Wheeler-dealer.

Personally, I'll have
no part of it.

Mike, I've been
wanting to talk to you.

I've got you booked to tour

on anything goes
at ten grand a pop.

* in olden days
a glimpse of stocking *

* was thought of as
something shocking *

* now heaven knows

it's a done deal,
a no-brainer.

Look, at the end of the day,
we're all going to--

- frank!
- What?

Frank, what th--

what're you doing?

Clay, get me some
Pellegrino, will you?

I've got Coleman Francis
on the line.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, that's my 4:00!

Oh, boy,

my hottest new client
has arrived!

Torgy, baby! How you doing?

Great to be
working with you.

The master will be pleased

if I get pay-and-play

and back-end participation.

All right, uh, Clay,
my Pellegrino?

Torgy, it's great
to be working with you.

You know,
this is essentially

a business about
relationships.

As of now, I'm closing
frank's little office.

I'm canceling
your contracts.

But I'm taking on
danger!! Death ray

as a client.

In fact, I'm booking it

as this week's experiment.

Yes, gentlemen.

Prepare to take a meeting

with extreme emotional pain.

Do you have
Mike ovitz's number?

* you're the top

* you're the tower of pisa

- * you're the top
- snap out of it, there.

- * you're the Mona Lisa
- we got movie sign!

Crazy nut.

Look at you.
You look ridiculous.

[Jazz music]

In the bah-bada-ba-daba
story.

Oh, I'm glad
they said danger.

I might've thought it was
just a normal death ray.

There is a dangerous
death ray situation

on outbound 94.

You might wanna take
an alternate route.

Which one of these guys is
marcello mastroianni?

I can't believe you
spent the whole party

talking to that guy.

Driver, will you tell him
I'm not talking to him?

Ah, the handsome one
of the group.

Italy's Tor Johnson.

- Ding!
- [All hum to theme]

I think hal David
wrote the lyrics.

* let's go swingin'
in the night *

what do they mean by
bah-bada-ba-daba?

Is it protest?

It was originally titled
"la lala la lala."

Big creative dispute.

Here it comes again.

- Bing!
- Bah-bada-ba-daba.

If Michael Caine
and Andre the giant

had a child.

Oh, look at that.

Make-a-face!
Design your own face.

I should like to be
in a barbershop quartet.

Bing.

These are, like,
European regular guys.

But European regular guys
are still

a lot cooler than
American regular guys.

These men are
ready for action.

Women adore them,
men respect them.

What? What?
They're looking at me.

I'm not looking.

Get this off
your head please.

- Bothering you?
- Yes.

They're at the end of
the bah-bada-ba-daba tour.

That was "bah-bada-ba-daba"
by the doodletown pipers.

Bah-bada-ba-daba?

You givin' me a ticket?

Okay, everything's in order.

Let them through.

What country
is this taking place in?

Europe.

I like to watch people park.

* hi-ho, hi-ho

* it's off to work we go

mini-dish hasn't made
his life any better.

Okay?!

Biff, moff, hi.

All this equipment just
to catch reruns

of madam's place.

Looks like something
my dad would buy

at a garage sale.

Merv's guests
are zsa zsa Gabor,

the death ray,
and Tony fields.

Welp, the reason I gave
your paper a "d" is because--

professor Carmichael, sir?

The commissioners
are all present.

The NATO commission's
all present.

Let's begin, then.

Have doctor carver
bring that in, please.

Bah-bada-ba-daba.

This is your life,
Jean Paul belmondo!

Ah, the worldperks club.

Good evening, gentlemen.

It's really quite
European in here.

Professor Carmichael
is waiting for you.

We didn't get
our drinks yet.

Those of you
with small children

will please board
professor Carmichael first.

[All murmur]

Ladies and gentlemen,
your pasty white Europeans.

Buckaroo banzai goes
to the nursing home.

They really have
captured the grandeur

of white guys
walking in herds.

Please.

After you, swifty.

This scene could really
use a bah-bada-ba-dada.

- Barry diller!
- It is.

[Raspberry] Oh no,
not one of my attacks.

Not here in the elevator.

Aren't you glad
you used dial?

Don't you wish
Europeans did?

[Imitating flatulence]

Uh, perhaps someone should
press a floor button.

Biff, moff, let me flip
one of these switches here.

You're watching
Brian television.

All Brian, all the time.

In an underground bunker,

the major league owners
plot strategy.

Why can't I get
the red shoe diaries?

Sit down, please,
gentlemen, good evening.

Thank you for coming, yes,

all of you
can be hand models.

I think they need to loosen up
their family reunion.

All right, now,
who here is bald?

Show of hands, please?

Gentlemen, I should
like to remind you,

first of all,
that the demonstration

you're about to witness
is top secret.

The reason for this
will soon be obvious.

- It's in my pants.
- I don't need to warn you

that you're responsible
to your respective governments

for security in this matter.

Isn't this
the real estate seminar?

I've dedicated
the whole of my life

to the study
of radiation and--

- crocheting.
- Its use for medicine.

But I find that
the moral concepts

that have governed all
my work in the past

no longer apply today.

You're not funny!

Unfortunately,
my work on radiation

is as dangerous as the discovery
of atomic energy was.

Isn't that radiation too?

It may even contribute
to the well-being of man,

or bring about
his destruction.

Come on,
death ray something!

As a scientist,
naturally I couldn't ignore

my personal
responsibility...

- Ribbit, ribbit.
- ...In this terrible choice.

And so I felt that,
from an ethical point of view,

it was my duty
to use this knowledge

not only for
the treatment of disease,

but to develop
a powerful weapon

that might serve
as a deterrent

to the preservation
of world peace.

Ribbit.

- Is anyone listening?
- I succeeded.

Which is the reason why you've
been invited here tonight.

Please pay careful attention

to everything
you're going to see.

Sure it's phallic,
why wouldn't it be?

The power of disintegration
of this ray

is a lot greater
than a laser beam.

So I haven't just
invented that again.

Gentlemen, it is my
earnest wish

that this instrument

which we have
finally developed here

may never have to be
used for anything

but a purely
peaceful purpose.

- [Servo chuckles]
- The choice is not mine.

- It's my wife's.
- Open the doors.

So it's a peace-loving
death ray.

That used to be my job.

This the death fuse box.

Oh, and our doors "moo"
when you open them.

I restate again,

it's for peaceful purposes.

That is a block of
the special steel alloy

used in spacecraft,

and is, as a consequence,

exceptionally resistant
to very high pressure stress

and extra-atmospheric
temperatures.

Pencil drop at 9:15.

I ought to explain to you

that the ray I'm going
to use in this experiment

is only one hundredth
of the maximum power

that can be obtained.

- Turn it on!
- But to create
a more potent ray,

it's not necessary to build
a bigger apparatus.

- Come on!
- For greater intensity,

it's enough
to turn this control.

Can the...
And kill something!

So this is martinizing.

Aah, aah, again,

peaceful purposes.

I've seen better
death rays.

Now, you might
expect to pay

up to $3 million for
a death ray like this.

But wait!

Still thought
there'd be donuts.

Ribbit.

Hey, my car's parked
behind that wall!

Danger! Bifocals.

So, if you ever need
to burn holes in stuff,

this is your baby.

I don't like that,
but I'll take

a dozen of those
little switches.

[Crowd murmurs]

On behalf of the ugly
European society,

we applaud you.

He's sexy without
his glasses.

Oh no, it's fds!

Well, this frosts
my strawberries.

- [Gunshot]
- Oh, my gallstone!

Oh, butterfingers,
I'm sorry.

Quick, it's
the emergency alarm!

They went to the laboratory.

Really queer
emergency alarm.

Oh, this is our
first emergency.

We're not very good.

Peckinpah's
wild parking attendants.

Would you please
turn off the alarm?

It's just
making US all tense.

It's the numbers
for the babysitter,

the police, and the maronis
next door.

Police headquarters?

- Emergency.
- We can't get the alarm off.

The laboratory
is under attack.

Aw, he had a little
too much death ray.

Oh, the groovie ghoulies
are after them.

Is that too many bullets
back there?

Is that okay?

Enjoy my teeth.

Uh, I'm afraid you won't

pass your driver's test
this time.

Could you get out of the car?

Get going.

It was fun,
I think I'm finally

coming out
of my depression.

The death Ray's just
rattling around the trunk.

Hope they wrapped
a blanket around it.

There's a darkness
at the edge of Europe.

Ah, right, leave
just enough room

for them to get through.

- [All laugh]
- There, we made them
swerve slightly.

Whoa, Sully's gonna
blow groceries.

Stop at walgreens,
will you?

Thank you very much.

Pass if you're gonna.

Jeez, fellas, if we
only had a death ray,

we could-- hey!

This is so lucky,
we needed a helicopter!

It's Tom wolfe!

Can you imagine
the horrible kinds of peace

the bad guys will wage
with that death ray?

I'm not that drunk,
let me go, I can fly it.

The chauffeur's not
gonna get his tip now.

Wow, chauffeurs are
doing it for themselves.

Get this toy
out of here, quick.

Hello, hello, headquarters?

They're escaping
in a helicopter.

And it's cool!

So stupid.

This is my favorite part
of my job.

Quick, let's run for it.

Oh, that one spot on my back,
I can't reach it.

Ribbit.

Honest-to-goodness real,
not toy, helicopter.

Anybody bring the death ray?

Attention, headquarters.

Their direction
is southwest.

The chopper is painted white
and red and has a blue tail.

- Over and out.
- Attention all
airport patrols.

Watch out for a single-blade
helicopter heading southwest.

They have a kidnapped scientist
with them onboard.

- [Harp music]
- Now we're in heaven.

Tidy-bowl man is doing
all right for himself.

They're coming up for
more baking soda.

Ahh, the ocean's beautiful
in this part of the tub.

This set is at least
three box tops.

Special effects by Billy!

These are not toys.

A willowy sub commander.

So when does the mummenschanz
rehearsal start?

Don't go up there,
you'll become a toy.

Ya-how!

Thank you,
eastman widescreen.

Why have you taken me
to the Petersons bathroom?

This is so indulgent.

Underalls for men.

Okay, so my death ray
presentation

wasn't that snappy.

Ow.

Danger! Twist tie.

And more butts.

Oh, now he's showboating
his butt.

Okay, we can dive.

Billy's out of the tub,
we can dive.

Head towards the drain.

Das toyboat.

Could somebody tie on
the helicopter?

Oh, this must be
a massive organization

to be able to throw away
a $1.50 helicopter.

Adorn.

Oh, well, they'd better
let the tub cool down

before they use it now.

You're here, but she's here
with the traveler's checks.

Ah, very nice.

Vaguely European gigolo.

Drink me in, folks.

- Bing.
- Bah-bada-ba-dada.

Hot housekeeping.

They've got satellite dishes
on their ears.

Check-out's not till ten!

What a pleasant surprise.

What the hell do you want?

The boss would like
to see you.

You're joking, I only
just completed a job.

Haven't had any sleep
for three nights.

- You know that.
- It's urgent, Mr. Fargo.

Very urgent.

Jethro!

We've gotta get drunk,
it's urgent.

Well, I'm glad to say
that our clients

were very pleased,
yes, well done.

You deserve a special prize
for your work.

He's won the Irving
thalberg award.

Another job, and one
of international importance,

the NATO authorities
have enlisted

the help of our
organization

in tracing a kidnapped
research scientist.

Excuse me, senor Raymond,
but you--

oh, do we have to go
through all that again?

You'll get your
usual pay and a bonus.

So don't try to argue
about it now.

It won't do any good.

You are worse than an arab.

Oh, come on!

--How much you're going
to collect on a job.

If you hadn't
such a good record,

I would have got
rid of you already.

- I'm sorry.
- The new case

is a matter of life and death
for the whole world.

Senor Raymond,

can't you use anyone else
in this job?

- One of the interns.
- Just what do you mean?

You see, I'm on holiday.

Don't you remember?

You promised me I could take
two weeks vacation after i--

don't worry,
do this job well,

and I'll give you
a month's vacation.

There is all the information
you may need.

In the dossier out there.

My secretary will
give it to you.

Don't forget,
it's top secret.

Read it,
and then destroy it.

Is that clear, Fargo?

Yeah, everything's clear.

It's clear this
is bogus, man.

One last thing.
As usual, I expect

reports over time, Fargo.

Use your microtransmitter
on the 20-cycle band.

Yeah.

And don't forget.

Professor John Carmichael's
disappearance

multiplies the risk
of a worldwide cataclysm.

And that's why I've been hired
to go and bring him here.

- Yeah, I get you.
- Yeah, fine,

I'll save the world
when I'm ready.

I'm going to finish
his scotch.

Well, that does it.

Time for my obligatory
flirting scene.

I'm sorry, honey.

Our trip to majorca is off.

The boss was kind enough
to give me a new assignment.

Yes, so I heard,
but I think

you should have insisted
a little more.

You know you must
take a vacation.

Mm, I like it when
you worry about me.

Stress turns me on.

Is this the dossier?

Yes, that's the dossier,
top secret.

I found it laying around.

I have to go undercover
as Tony Roberts?

Oh, darling,
take care of yourself.

And no fighting
this time, huh?

- I don't want you to die.
- Ugh, a ferengi ear.

The other guys usually
need plastic surgery.

Anyway, when I get back,
we'll go to majorca for a month.

His phone has lost weight.

But don't leave
till tomorrow.

Spend the night with me.

Eh, loreto Roberta!

- Get back to work.
- D'oh!

Must I remind you again?

Not to distract our agents.

And Fargo, you are
to leave at once.

Do you hear that? At once.

I'm trying to run an
international organization,

and you guys are bugging me.

And remember. Majorca.

Selling vinyl siding
is full of intrigue.

Bah-bada-ba-dada.

Aah! Servo, what is that?

Oh, Mike.
It's a death ray I made.

Death ray?

Yeah, but, of course, I made it
for peaceful purposes only.

I co-- oh, wait,
here comes crow.

Oh jeez, I know I made it
for peaceful purposes only,

but I just can't resist!

Servo, no!

What the heck
was that for?

Oh boy, I'm sorry,
that was my death ray.

I had intended it to be
for peaceful purposes only.

But then you came along,
and-- [laughs]

I gotta admit,
it is pretty funny.

[Crow screams]

Oh, it is a dangerous
mission.

It's u.S. Air.

[All sing]

--English firm.

And the commercial relations
between england and France

aren't always easy,
and you know why?

'Cause the frogs
don't listen.

--Both countries are trying
to sell the same products

- to each other.
- Could you not talk?

--That, well...

Are you feeling
all right now, senora?

I don't know.

Monsieur, you were saying.

- Continue your story.
- What?

Oh, no, she's prettier
than you.

Oh, I've already
bored you with it.

Let's talk about you.

- What do you do?
- I'm beautiful.

Well, my work isn't
particularly interesting.

As a fashion editor,
I'm just like you.

Continually traveling.

But once one gets
used to it, luckily.

Danger! Small talk.

So where are you
bound for this time?

A short visit to the east.

- New Jersey?
- And you?

To the west.

What a pity.

Aw.

That means we can't boink.

Meanwhile, in coach.

Welcome to structure.

Here I am, in the west.

The west is nice.

[Servo retches]

Didn't know my youth hostel
locked the door at 10:00.

Not without my daughter.

Doug Fairbanks
comes home late.

Mm, I think he missed this day
in secret agent training.

I think he wore
the wrong shoes.

Ollie north arrives
at campaign headquarters.

That was really him.

You oughta clean the pool,
it's filthy.

Augustus has fallen
into the chocolate!

Hey, somebody tell
the director we lost him.

I think he's dead.

Sure, we got a little
water in the basement,

what of it?

[Crow gasps, coughs]

Mommy, I swam all the way
out to the raft.

What the hell
am I doing here?

Will marcia find love?

Will Dr. Dressen find
a cure for Danny?

It's like when rats pop out
of the toilets in St. Paul.

It's so embarrassing.

Hey, Mario, what
took you so long?

Looks like a tall elf.

I just got a message
from the boss.

He said to expect a visitor,

someone's looking
for the spaniard.

Where is scarface?

That's my affair.

You just carry out orders.

A Charlie watts walk-on.

Well, you leave yourself open
to this kind of thing

when you have a trap door.

When stuntmen
try to play cards.

Six, no hearts!

I hate triple sec!

Come on, fatso.

I just had a henna rinse.

You're such a boner, man.

Oh, this is the best
fortune hunter yet!

D'oh!

You're the one that
knows everything.

- Who's god?
- Where's the man
with the scar?

You know what I mean!

You'd better talk!

- Where is he?
- I'm trying--
- please.

Sure, I'll talk.

- But don't--
- let go of my larynx.

Scarface isn't here
in Rome.

He left two days ago.

The boss ordered him
to leave.

- He went to--
- ha-ha.

* did you ever have
to make up your mind *

we're gonna get down now,

'cause there's a funky kind
of intrigue going on.

I just wanted to thank you!

Thank you for
killing that guy!

* watermelon man

these sansabelts are
made for action.

I'll wait for you here
for a little while.

I'm counting on him
being completely blind.

Jack lelane
is the fugitive.

* watermelon man

I refuse to look
to the right.

It would be caving in
to look that way.

I will not.

Well, I tried my best,
that's all they can ask.

I am technically
on vacation.

Kind of a hastily
assembled ruin.

Oh, gross, he's wearing
a sports bra!

That was kind of a let-down.

I was expecting
a better chase.

Now I've got the whole
rest of the evening.

Oof, why the hell
did I go down there?

What was I thinking of?

Ooh, somebody's wet.

* watermelon man

growing need for security men
in Seattle area.

I was just reaching
for my mint!

Grow some hair.

* watermelon man

love to sneak into
my own apartment.

That's herbie hancock,
ladies and gentlemen.

Yes, we're gonna take
a little break right now.

Kind of hard for me
to work without my music,

but I'll try.

Might as well take a couple
of laps around the building.

Hello? Hello?

X-3 calling.

Are you receiving me?

Answer!

This apartment's rented!

Attention, attention.

Michael eisner
and Jeffrey Katzenberg's

last meeting.

Stand by for
important message.

Are you receiving US?
Come in?

Hey, you're comfortable.

Come in, x-3.

Yes, receiving you,
go ahead, over.

Okay, x-3,
I'll give you frank.

X-3, how are you?

We intend to land
near Barcelona in a few hours.

- Ribbit, over.
- Rendezvous at the
club Morocco.

Repeat, rendezvous
at the club Morocco.

- Nosferatu?
- Is that clear?

Yes, message received.

I don't have the right clothes
for the club Morocco.

It's a lady wittnauer.

Hello? Fargo here.

Hello, how are
things going?

Fine, senor Raymond.

Guess where
I'm going tonight?

Just made some new friends.

- I'm sitting on one right now.
- I'm headed to Barcelona.

So take the usual steps.

Right, anything else?

Yes, senor Raymond.

Warm wishes
to your secretary.

I'm here.
Be careful, barton,

- don't--
- over and out.

Nobody doesn't like me.

Macintosh equipment.

Macintosh? Nice tube amp.

Quite quality, you might--

oh, hey!

Adorn.

Just a few more hours on board,
professor Carmichael.

And we'll be married.

--Start recreating
your death ray,

not for NATO but for
private enterprise.

You will never manage to make
me work against my will.

Oh wait, you will,
what am I saying?

Danger! Beer gut.

X-2 calling.

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

Proceed, x-2, over.

What's wrong?

What's wrong, x-2?

- I'm just kind of down.
- Go ahead.

Go ahead, we're waiting
for your message.

- Over.
- This movie's packed
with hinders.

X-2, come in!

Sunday morning
at skull and bones.

Come in, x-2!

Tonight,

an American

tried to find x-1.

We did our best to--

to prevent...

Well, it wasn't good enough,
was it?

X-2, reply immediately!

Can't you hear, x-2,
what's wrong?

Judging from your face,

I'm pretty certain that
our conclusions are the same.

You're damn ugly.

Half an hour ago,
you gave away

details of your rendezvous

to a complete stranger.

Keep quiet, you!

Go sit over there instead!

That's your punishment.

Sorry.

Make contact with x-3 again.

* doo-doo doo doo doo

* western union

mm-mm, not gonna do it.

The coy captive.

My nosewheel feels mushy.

Whoo! We're going to Iowa city
to see the dead, man!

Lincoln!

Abe Lincoln is timecop!

[Jazz music]

Yes.

Everyone!

* bah-bada-ba-dada!

Ah, exotic locations,

like the south side
of Chicago.

Gary, Indiana.

* bah da da
crappy part of town *

I wonder if the whole city
can hear my theme song.

Okay, here we go, ready?

- Bing!
- Bah-bada-bada
bada-bah.

Where eagles dare
moves downtown.

We're gonna
slow it down now.

'Cause we like to do
everything nice and easy.

That's a poorly-designed
subway.

Oh, I can't run
without my theme.

If the music speeds up a bit,
I can catch her.

Quick, I need to get
on the tilt-a-whirl.

- Bing!
- Bah-bada-bada
bada-bah.

Boy, that's fun, I can't
get enough of that.

Whoa, my eyes really
rack-focused there.

Happy hour always wins out.

Either he's nine feet tall,

or that's a tiny door.

This man will
compete for--

I'm going to shun him.

Man, the Morocco club
is really disappointing.

The old days, they wouldn't
even let you in there.

Jeez, this is practically
a karate school already.

My falafel ready to go?

Because it's Moroccan.

If there were a lot
of people here,

wouldn't they all be phony?

Hi.

Are you hiring dancers?

Nobody around here?

Don't I count?

What do you want, senor?

A double cointreau.

[All] Ew.

Why not? Me too.

First, you're paying
what you owe.

$14,000? Okay.

This is such a fun place.

They should make it
into a chain.

Well, I'm a secret agent,
you now.

Nice little place you have.

One of the best
in Barcelona.

And the most expensive.

You are drunk, senor al,
you ought to go home.

Your job is
to serve drinks.

I have to agree.

This man will compete for--

Go, pal!

I was led to believe
this was an applebees!

Explain to me why they're
called buffalo wings!

By the way,
it's my birthday.

Don't I get
a little cupcake?

It's Jerry Reed!

- Hit him!
- Yeah.

This man could--

oh, I saw ed ames
do that on Carson.

Hey, jive and Potter
performed here.

Something is not clicking
with this business.

Management problems
or something.

Mr. Lincoln? Thank you.

Abe Lincoln's a bad cop
on the loose.

Ah, the annual running
of the secret agents

in Pamplona.

After him!

Help me, kirk.

- Is it bad?
- No.

Oh, ow.

Follow the American.

Don't let him get away.

I want Jefferson Davis dead!

I want his children dead!

Sorry, Barcelona's closed.

That's why it's called
bar-celona.

Rip!

Too bad they can't just
shoot through the bars.

Hey, they just waxed
that road, be careful.

This action sequence
brought to you

by the Stan kenton band.

Hah, hoo, hah, hoo!

I'm on ghoul, now.

Wow.

We are not renting!

[Servo scats]

The barefoot
in the park caper.

[Servo scats]

Poor little guy.

Secret agents can
climb really good,

but they have a hard time
coming back down.

[Servo scats]

Senator Mike Mansfield
in hot pursuit.

It's kind of
escher-esque, isn't it?

I had no Patience
for the elevator,

but I'm regretting it now.

What is this,
madame sousatzka's

apartment building?

[Servo scats]

Okay, everybody.
Quiet now.

I think he's on his way.
This is gonna be exciting.

Right over here, Mike.
Come on.

There we go.
Right there.

Okay, what's this all about,
anyway?

Oh, you'll find out.

[Laughter]

Why, hello, Mike.

Hi, Tom.

I bet you're really surprised

to see me standing here, eh?

Not particularly.

Aren't you going to ask me
why I'm here?

No.

Come on, Mike, ask me.

Okay.
Why are you here?

I'm here, Mike Nelson,
because this is your life.

Oh, wow. That's great.

Dry those tears of joy,
Mike Nelson,

because you're about
to hear the voice

of a very special person--

a person with whom you've
shared many golden moments.

Let's listen.

[Crow]
Hi, Mike. How ya doin'?

Do you recognize
that voice, Mike?

Yeah, it's crow.
I mean, you know...

Well, that's amazing.

You still recognize the voice
of your dear, old friend.

I just saw him.

But wait, Mike.

There's lots more surprises

on this unforgettable evening.

Do you by any chance
remember this guy?

[Crow]
Hi, Mike. How ya doin'?

I was doing fine, yeah.

And those beloved memories
just keep flooding back.

Now who could forget
this beloved pal

from those cherished,
bygone days of yore?

[Crow]
Hi, Mike. How ya doin'?

Uh, Tom?

This must be a very emotional
evening for you, Mike, eh?

Tom, did you even try
to contact anybody else?

Like who do you mean?

I don't know.
My old girlfriend
from high school.

[Crow]
Hi, Mike. How ya doin'?

My teachers, my parents?

Hey, those are really
good ideas, Mike.

But wait.
Here comes your old,
dear pal crow "t" robot.

Hi, Mike! How ya doin'!

[Laughter]

You know, and Ralph Edwards

used to give
these charm bracelets

to commemorate the evening?

Ralph Edwards.

You know,
that's a really good idea.

You should buy
one of them there, Mike.

Because, Mike Nelson,
this was your life!

Next week, Angie Dickinson,

but until then,
I'm Tom servo...

And crow "t" robot saying...

[Alarm beeping]

[Both]
This is your--
movie time!

Ha ha, Mike.

That was sweet.
Thank you.

Jeez. Can't he ever
use the door?

Don't tell me you've never
been in an artist's studio.

Uh-uh. Not this way.

Uh, are you looking
for someone?

Oh, no. I just like
running around the roofs.

It kind of relaxes me.

Do you mind if I drop in?

Please do.

I was hoping you wouldn't
use that joke, by the way.

[Suavely]
Ow, my ankle.

Thank you.

What do you think of it?

I'd like to sleep
with that painting.

[Knock at door]
What do I say?

Whoever's knocking
at your door

is someone who wants
to speak with me.

But I don't want to see 'em.

Is there any place I can hide?

In your cleavage, perhaps?

[Man]
Open up. Open up!

"Lattice" in.

[Laughter]
That's a good one.

What in heaven's name
is going on?

Hey, she paints as good
as Linda McCartney?

Well, why are you
standing out there?

- Boing.
- Come on in.

Heh. You see, we're here
on a breast inspection.

Yes, yes.

We're looking for a man.

Are you him?

My word.
So am I.

Let me know if you find
an extra one.

I think you know
what I meant.

Be sure and shut the door.
There's a draft.

Yeah, all right.

'Cause I'm nude, you know.

You know,
I'd drop into an apartment

and it would be Bella abzug.

- Whoa.
- Ugh.

You can come out now.
He's gone.

How clever, to think
of hiding in the closet.

Well, how about that, hmm?

- You were wonderful.
- I tried on your blue outfit.

- What I need now...
- Yes?

Is a king-sized cigarette.

Sure. Why not?

- Wow.
- Hmm.

I don't know who you are,
honey,

but Bart Fargo
owes you a favor.

[Laughter]
Bart Fargo.

Oh, in that case,
take me out to dinner.

I haven't had
a square meal in days?

What's the matter?
No money?

Mm. No, I just forget all about
meals when I'm painting.

Oh, that nauseating, huh?

Let's go to my hotel.

- What?
- Ah, I couldn't.

I have a very jealous
boyfriend, Bart.

What's the name?

Mark Anthony.

No, I meant your name.

Brutus.

Lucille.

[Imitating little Richard]
Lucille!

Well, Lucille, Mark Anthony's
a very lucky fellow.

It's been a pleasure.

I sure hate having
to send you away,

but I've got
to finish the picture.

Thanks again. Lucille.

Hey, what's with the secret
agent who keeps striking out?

They're just waiting
outside the door.

Well, you can tell
by the way I use my walk,

I'm a woman's man,
no time to talk.

[Knocks]

Come in.

"Let's go to my hotel."

Your breakfast, senor.

Put it on the table.

Then put you on the me.

Oh, we ordered one of those
crappy European breakfasts.

Freshly baked.
[Chuckles]

Senor, we've cleaned
and pressed your gun.

We're gonna put an end
to this towel stealing

once and for all!

David Cassidy is Abe Lincoln
behind confederate lines.

Oh!

This happened when I was
mannix's bellboy too. Oh.

Lincoln actually fought
golden gloves.

Ooh.

[Groans]

Oh, I've got
a rail-splitting headache.

You're no Raymond massey
to US, Mr.

No, it's real!

Oh, it's...

You know, scarface,

that was a very silly getup.

It didn't suit you.

And your imitation of a waiter
was very funny.

"Your breakfast, senor."

You should have changed
your voice too.

- Ole.
- Aah!

And the way you
dove out the window

was just terrible.

Ooh. Sorry, ma'am.

That's too bad.

Oh, come on!

What about
"he really fell for me"?

"His hopes are crushed"?

Ah.

[Sirens wailing]

* Barcelona wants me

* see I can't go back there

hey, you must have
just had eye drops.

He's wearing those Italian,
womany glasses.

Who's that behind
those Amy grants?

They're cool.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Long line to the barber shop.

All right, we'll come back
for the rest later.

Can I have part of that skull?

Yeah, what are you gonna do
with the extra pieces?

There's some brain over here.
You want this brain?

Let's go to the villa.

Sure, I'd love to go
to the villa with you.

Too shy.
I should just introduce myself.

Oh, I see he drives one of them
little foreign jobs.

Oh, my circus mini car.

[Imitates circus music]

She's wearing an armoire
on her finger.

Danger.
Birth control pills.

X-9 calling.

- Listen, frank.
- "Leesten?"

I just saw the man
we're after

get into a red sport car.

He's following you.
You know what to do.

Yeah, we know what to do.

[Laughs]
What do we do?

God, you're ugly.

Oh. I can't shake him.
He's too good.

I could use a touch
more head room.

I think they lost him.

- Damn he's good!
- Wow.

Spy movie historical marker,
two miles.

Go, speed racer.

Go, speed racer...
[Yawns]

It's a high-performance
dodge dart.

Well, you know, just because
you're having a high-speed chase

doesn't mean you can't have
an adequate space cushion.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, sir, there's a nipple
on your face.

Ugh.

This highway adopted
by the Barcelona jcs.

The rockford files:
European vacation.

Well, this is the big
chase scene, folks,

so you might wanna
take this time

to go make yourself
a sandwich

or take a shower or...

He emptied the urinal.

[Tires screeching]

Ooh.

Hot wheels.

Some little boy
is going to be very upset.

Ah-ha. I think we just
foiled someone,

but because of the editing,
I'm not really sure.

They tampered
in god's domain.

Let's get moving.

Oh, what kind
of a lame quip is that?

What about, "he's all wet"?

Or "he took a dip"?

Yeah, or "he made
quite a splash"?

Hmm.

Whoa-ho!

Portrait of the artist
as a young va-voom!

[Knock at door]

- The door's unlocked.
- And so am I.

Just push.

[Sneezes]

Hi, Lucille.

Why, what happened to you?

I went for a swim.

Ah, see, at least
he tried to quit.

You must be crazy.

Maybe you're right.

I can tell you right now

I'm not very good
at pressing trousers,

- but I'll do my best.
- Mm.

- Take everything off.
- [Gasps]

You're not shy, are you?

Not really,
but do you have something

a little bit drier
I can slip into?

In case you didn't know,

this is the light-hearted
portion of our movie.

[Goofy laughter]

You men are full
of the strangest complexes.

To tell you the truth,
right now

I'd rather
be full of scotch.

There's some cooking Brandy
in the kitchen.

Do you have Holland house?

You know, I still think
my idea's best.

That I wear your dress.

As soon as you've finished,

we'll go out
and have a drink.

Ah, first you want
to get me high,

and then
you'll take advantage.

Bingo!

Two sips, Bart,
and I'm just lost.

Oh, come on.

You wouldn't refuse a man

who's about to die
of pneumonia, would you?

I don't date Ken dolls.

Huh?

Oh, now it's
an erma bombeck column.

Hey.
She's a toilet paper cosie.

In a salute to nair.

Yes, yes, here we go.

We'll put you in the back,
because of your outfit and all.

[Loudly] I thought
this would be a good place

to just talk, to get
to know each other.

Two whiskeys on the rocks.

Yes, sir.

Don't be stingy, baby.

This makes the chase scene

look absolutely exhilarating.

Miss iceberg lettuce.

That's victor/victoria.

Next up, sandler and young.

Can't believe
she's doing my bit.

Al. Al.

What is it?

He's out there.
The American.

You better hurry.
Warn the boss.

Got to get out of this movie.

Now, see, you should never
wear white pants on a caper.

This is why.

Jeez, I wish they'd
invent elevators.

Think he's a clandestine
window washer.

[Imitating jazz music]

[Whispering]
Honey. Honey, I'm home.

Honey.

[Laughs]

It's like walking
except different.

It's late.
We'd better go.

Uh, do you mind
if I drive this time?

Aw.

Is this the national
twister monument?

Whoa.
A jumpsuit-less back.

Are you a daring young man
in a jaunty jalopy?

Ah, why don't they
make it go forward?

Well,
finally got rid of her.

All secret agents are guests

of the luxurious motel six.

Lucky guess, I gotta admit.

[Telephone rings]

I'll get it.

Wow.
Swinging bachelor pad.

Hello?
Yeah, I just got in.

Yeah, the guy with the knife
is still here.

Thanks for a swell evening.

[Laughs]
Okay.

No jumping on the bed.

- Whoa.
- Hey, no, don't.

- Stop it.
- Oh.

Bart. Bart!

What's going on, darling?

Daddy is on the phone!

My mother, my sister,

my sister, my mother!

His name is Luca.

I'm sending you to bed
without room service.

Well, I'm gonna order.
You want anything.

Sorry for that, darling.
It was room service.

I'm kidding.

What did you want
to tell me?

That I'm mad about you.

- Ooh.
- You say it like you mean it.

Of course I do, Bart.

I'll see you later.

Mwah. Mwah.

Sure. Bye.

Gun placed by the Gideon's.

You and I have some issues,
mister.

All right, talk.

Where's professor Carmichael?

Could you slap me again?

If I tell you, the boss'll
have me killed.

Springsteen? Why?

Please try to understand.

I'm Gary Crosby.

Listen, you tell me, or you're
gonna be in real trouble.

I'll spank you, I will.

You just wait
till your father gets home.

[With accent]
Housekeeping.

Hello?

Oh, I don't need
anymore toilet paper.

Oh, pardon.

I thought it was my room.

Why, it's you.
What a coincidence.

Just love the view
from this room.

- Come back here.
- You have both room keys.

- Hey.
- You owe me for part
of the bill.

Ah.

He's got such a soft spot

for people
who try to kill him.

You see, a long time ago,
I lost a ball up here--

oh, there it is.

Well, that moment
went nowhere.

I'm gonna go back in.

I'm here to register voters.

I hope I didn't
interrupt anything.

Anything wrong?

Just a burglar.

I'm sorry.
It's all my fault.

You see,
my room's next door.

The hall's so badly lit,
I couldn't read the number.

I really am sorry.
I was so silly.

Don't worry.
Why don't you come in
for a minute?

Well, now that fate's
brought US together again

we can get to know
each other better.

I like Bobby vinton.

Whoa.

Bart, let's go for a ride
in a motorboat.

It's wonderful
in the first light.

Well, what do you say?

Okay! Vroom, vroom.
[Laughs]

I feel like kissing
his shoulder. Is that weird?

Um...

Oh.

I'll need my purse
for the shower.

You haven't said anything
about your work.

I should think that
Barcelona's a good center.

For your line of business.

Oh, uh, don't look
on the top shelf in there,

'cause--guy
who lived here before

had a lot of porno magazines.

...quite a demand
for our products in Spain.

- Well, hello.
- This is for the ladies.

But I like it too.

If you want to go to the police
about that burglar,

I can take you there after
our trip in the motorboat.

You see, the chief of police,
he's an old friend of mine.

It always helps
to know someone.

Thanks.
I may as well,

but I don't think
it'll be easy to catch him.

I really enjoy
our mundane conversation.

The boatniks: Undercover.

That's way too fast to troll.

I am determined to get
a musky this year.

This man, ooh...

It was an interesting choice

not to have any suspense
in this movie.

I know.

This is the low-budget remake

of a night to remember.

Why don't we do
a bit of sunbathing?

Sure.

Teach me.

Ah.

Whoa.

Ooh.

- Would you like a cigarette?
- Please.

- They're done already?
- Wow.

He's not Italian.

There's a little bomb in it,

so don't be alarmed
when it goes off.

Hey,
that's premature foreplay.

Darling capezios.

Mm-hmm.

They're having some
montclair moments.

* watermelon man

god, I was great.

Ahh.

She's checking
the sun's makeup.

Obey.

- Whoa.
- Huh?

Oh, he's wearing pull-ups.

Oh.

Let's go.

Where's lieutenant
Stephanie Holden
when you need her?

They must have hit an eelpout.

Really go up.

He really needs a Terry top
to go with those swim trunks.

[Scatting to jazz music]

Devil is that swingle singer
music coming from?

Give me some pants!

Pow.

- Aah!
- Aah! Sorry, Ms. Reno.

Ha. She's not young
and beautiful, you see.

Wardrobe.
More pants, please.

Now.

Oh...

Ugh. Well, it's 10:00 A.M.
somewhere in the world.

Oh, no.
I'll never love again.

Jerry Reed is polonius.

Moist.

That robe has
"father's day gift"

written all over it.

Ooh.

Needs a band-aid.

Aah!

Jerry Reed in
whose life is it anyway?

Little Murphy's oil soap.

- [Groans]
- Oh.

[Imitating chemical
burning skin]

Have a swallow.
Here.

It's two for one.
[Chuckles]

Thanks.

Well then, do you want
to talk about it?

How did it happen?

They wanted to get rid of me.

- Because...
- I'm Jerry Reed.

I'm no use to them anymore.

And so you managed
to get away.

Another time.

I've got you to thank.

Last night out there you had
a perfect chance to kill me.

But luckily for me,
you didn't.

You wanna
have coffee sometime?

You saved me.
Sure is a big debt to repay.

Ah, forget it.

Our hair is our special bond.

How about answering
that question.

Yes. I will be
Mrs. Bart Fargo.

[Telephone ringing]

What is that sound?

You're official
ucla bruins robe.

Hello?

I was waiting for you, Bart.

- Hey, listen.
- Hello?

About 13 miles away
on the north road out of town,

there's a villa.
Go there tonight.

- You better be careful.
- Hey, wait.

She's painted
for a laugh-in sketch.

Bart, what's going on?

How would I know?
What am I? A spy or something?

Sorry, Lucille.
It was the Porter.

He was bringing my laundry.

There's always someone there
when I call.

Listen,
how about coming over here?

We can have a quiet,
little talk.

But you're a girl.

Sorry, I'm very busy today.

You're not giving me
the brush-up, are you?

Certainly not,
and you should know.

In that case,
what are you waiting for?

Oh, Bart,
I didn't sleep all night.

Well, then she should
just get some sleep.

Neither did I.

I really think
I'm in love with you, Bart.

With Marc Anthony, it was
a different thing altogether.

You know, an infatuation.

With you it's an obsession.

I'll tell you what.

I'll pick you up
tomorrow afternoon

and we'll go out
in the boat, okay?

Yes, darling.
But come as soon as you can.

Sure.

That's what I usually do.

You idiot.

I told you to get rid of al.

But at least I wounded him.

He couldn't be very far.

And if he's got away?

It's a liquor showroom.

Don't worry, senor frank.
It's all right.

I'll take care of him.

If that American agent
gets a hold of him,

he'll find out
where the fill is.

I'll find out,
senor frank.

I'll kill him
with my own hands.

Hey,
leave Mr. French alone!

Jeez, coppola's little.

Si, senor. At once.

Taco.

* puttin' on the ritz

I'm a little late.

But, senor...

That's all
I can think to say.

He just had
his suit polished.

Okay, hi, everybody.
I'm here.

The party can start.
Hello.

Have you heard
about the guy who's late?

There's a late guy here.

That's him over there.
I hear he's late.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the pizza rolls
will be ready at any moment.

The viper room's
kind of a letdown.

Apparently shiny suits
haven't caught on over here.

He adjusted his head.

Paging Mr. Fart bar--
Bart Fargo.

Bart Fargo.

B-49. B-49.

Why'd they seat him
at the pool table?

Madams and monsieurs,

the bank, $10,000.

Better be a damn good bonk.

I'll call.

God, he's beautiful.

He didn't show a card
or anything.

There, the man
with his back turned.

It's prince Sammy cahn.

Who are you, please?

If it's any business of yours,
my good man,

I'm a guest.

[Imitating Truman capote]
That's not writing,
that's typing.

Seven for monsieur lauer.

Palmolive hands.

Hmm.

And eight
for monsieur charlton.

Mr. Charlton, it's amazing that
you have such a beautiful wife,

and yet you still manage
to win at cards.

I like disproving
old-fashioned sayings.

That one especially.

Hold this.
Thank you.

Please tell them,
Mr. Carver,

that I'm here
as an honored guest.

[Scoffs] Fine. You don't
have to chip in on the pizza.

I don't quite understand.

By the way, I heard
the croupier call you charlton.

Have you changed your name?

No, there's some mistake,
I'm afraid.

I'm charlton chew.

My apologies, senores.

I'll just take care of this,

and then I'll return.

Sorry, darling.

Sure. That's okay. Fine.

Come with me then.

I'll fix you
a nice black cow.

Let's go to
the furniture showroom.

We'll go to the billiard room.

Well, you're all gonna be
Bart Fargo-less for a while.

I better have
another screwdriver.

Hi, I'm here for the wiglet
society meeting.

No?

That feels nice. Yeah.

You think you know
a great many things,
don't you, Fargo?

I brought you to my parents'
rumpus room for a reason.

But knowledge can be
extremely dangerous.

I know that. Duh.

Your good fortune may turn.

Why don't you put your cards
on the table.

What--you're playing pool.

This time you might lose.

I'm sorry to have
to disappoint you...

But I'm Eileen eckert.

But I'm not in the habit
of losing.

You wanna get
a picture there?

Okay. Here we go.

And...no, ooh.

Hey, we playing call?

I think this game's
lasted too long.

Don't you, carver?

20 seconds?

That's what I was thinking.

Uh, I think.

Hey, we had our quarters
on the table.

Go steal the chalk.

It's Roland gift.

Hmm.

Hi.

Is that really...
Nice.

Ha-ha. The ever debonair
Bart Fargo.

Ew.
Now it smells weird.

Hello, darling.

Well, well.

Old friends meet again.

Bart. Bart?

Bart. Bart. Bart. Bart.

Stop it.

Bart, i--

i--i think I'm a hostage.
Hoo, hoo.

How did you find out
I was coming here.

I heard it on the telephone.

The Porter
gave you this address.

- What Porter?
- That's not important now.

You were very clever,
carver.

Kidnapping the professor

was a brilliant
piece of work.

My congratulations.

Look, let's put our balls
on the table, shall we?

Thank you, Fargo.

For being a major
agricultural center
in the upper midwest.

Take them both to the villa.

Oh, and get
the professor ready.

And gilligan and Mary Ann.

Oh, I was hoping
you wouldn't say that.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Hey, show me
just one more time.

It's very simple.
It's just like that.

Just up...

Mike, Tom, thanks
to today's movie,

I've realized
more firmly than ever

the importance, to a man,

of a good pair
of man sunglasses.

Like those.

Uh, why, yes.

Uh, one of a line of Italian
sunglasses I've developed.

Uh, cambot,
the "bah dah-dah dah-dah"
music, please.

[Jazz music plays]

Thank you.
Note how the delicate lines

shade my sensitive eyes

from the harsh and
wrinkle-inducing midday sun.

I don't know.

They seem a little
womany for me.

- No, they're for men.
- Ah.

Mike, you'll find a lovely
box under there

filled with more of my Italian
sunglasses for men.

Ooh.

Keep in mind, these work best if
you've got a small Italian head.

Oh, there's a luscious pair.

Now those are womany.

Except that they're for men.

Yes, this model I call
the brigitte bardot.

- She's French.
- Whatever.

Mike,
the point is these glasses

accentuate a man's
own special features.

And maybe help US
get to a place,

a secret, inner, manly place

that only men can know.

And they're for men.

Of course.
Who else?

Oh, and now my favorite,

the coliseum by moonlight.

Oh, yes,
a shared glass of rosé,

an intimate evening
and movies on lifetime.

- Now that's womany!
- What is?

Men wear these sunglasses?

Of course. How many times
do I have to explain?

Now, it seems like you'd have
to be pretty confident to...

I don't see why.

Look, if you guys don't like

my exclusive line of sunglasses
for Italian men,

then that's just fine.

Maybe we're not
Italian enough.

We'll be right back.

Pretty gosh darn womany.

Yeah, there's something
about 'em...

[Whistling, humming]

Get in.

And don't sit
on my comic books.

- Oh, no. Poison pez!
- Ooh.

Herbie, the misfit elf.

Aah!

Oh, no. One of
the three tenors is down!

[Laughs]
Good.

Ha! It's fun.

Thanks for repaying
that dept.

Carver mentioned
another villa.

Do you know where it is?

But I can't go there.
I'd be killed.

I'm delicate.

No, please don't ask me
to do that.

Surely I've done enough.
Haven't I?

Here's 3,000 bucks.

Stock the villa
with groceries.

When we get to the villa,

I'll give you another 3,000.

And then I promise
to help you start a new life

when all this is finished.

Come on. We'd better
hide these corpses.

You'd think a decent hotel
would take care of that.

Here we go.

* dragging the bodies, yeah

* hiding the evidence

* hey,
we're getting funky now *

yeah!

[Imitating music]

Maybe the guards at the villa
know you left the gang.

- No, I doubt it.
- Maybe we're dwarves.

I'm not important enough.

No one would think
of telling them.

[Imitating music]

* watermelon man

this villa will compete.

Can you check this?
I think I'm done.

[Imitating music]

I'm sorry, ma'am,

but we've gotta get some use
out of this death ray.

I've got an impish idea.
[Laughs]

Hi.
I'm still in the movie.

This drug will completely

destroy your willpower,
professor.

By the time
herr carver returns,

you'll no longer be able

to think or act
independently.

You'll become
Michael huffington.

Oh. Suddenly
they're in lake elmo.

Watch out for this rock.

I ought to hit you.

You are going
to military school

whether you like it or not.

Could you turn
the radio down?

I'm really sick
of this song.

[Jazz music]

Ah, the beautiful people
live here.

Come on. Hi.

Welcome to Jack Ruby
fantasy camp.

[Scatting]

Don't worry, Bart.

The nurses will be
very nice to you here.

Whoa, partner.

You just missed
the pinecrest resort.

Well, who's for badminton?

He's strumming
his machine gun.

Ha-ha. Ha.

The whole driving by thing

went off
exactly as planned.

Did you moon him?
[Laughs]

I'm not sure what happened,
but I'm delighted.

Driving miss Fargo.

Bart?

Okay, remember,
we're just looking.

We're just looking
at the model.

We're not gonna buy.

Good way to sneak up.
Slam the doors.

What are you looking for?

I thought you knew.
I don't know.

What--?

Okay, now remember
these people are very uptight,

so don't do
none of your Jew jokes.

Is that the entrance?

Yeah, but don't forget
what I told you, huh?

That you're a tiger
in the sack?

Sure won't.
Don't you worry.

[Jazz music plays]

Uh, you might want
to notch down the music

while I'm trying to sneak in.

Come on, pretty boy.

Watch Bart Fargo rock.

He hit Benny hill.

Good.

Hey,
it's kids in the hall.

He was no lady.

He was my wife.

Um, do we have a plan?

It's Tony Curtis.

The ladies are putty
in his hands.

Let's see. Would you look good
next to the plant or--?

All right, in here.

In there.

Now I'm gonna get
medieval on your ass.

You're in bed for good,
young man.

No getting up
for a glass of water.

Oh, another
great hiding place.

Suddenly they're on the set
of the Cheyenne social club.

The day they killed
Chad and Jeremy.

I gotta get
a bigger body closet.

Now, no talking or giggling,

or I'll separate
you three.

Okay, I gotta
figure something out here.

I'm conking a lot of people,

but I'm not making
any headway.

Oh, no.
Joey bishop is down.

Four people down,
and not a single quip.

He's gonna bump
into miss kitty.

Yeah, I hope they have a body
closet on the second floor.

Quit following me.

Get ready.
Carver will be here soon.

Right.

One, two,
skip to my Lou.

Three, four...

Oh. There they go.

Five, six...
[Humming]

Oh, you're here! Whoa!

Keep it down out here,
or I will tell the r.A.

Uh, time to shave my brow.

Carl.

Carl, do we have
a casserole dish?

Carl?

Carl,
where are the croutons?

Macaulay culkin
in home alone 57.

Well,
time to run into a trap.

Have you seen Carl?

Oh, please.
I'm not ready for this.

I like you
just as a thug.

You're not Carl.
Carl doesn't hit me.

Oh,
and he picks up a spare.

Secret agent specializes
in roughhousing.

You can tell
their mom's gone.

Ugh! Ugh!

[Grunting]

You must be Carl.

[Groaning]

Yeah, that's it.
Hit him with pickwick papers.

Thanks. Now I'll have to wear
a turtleneck to school.

How about a hand of poker?

Oh, no. That antique
break-away chair

has been in the family
for years.

You know, neither one of US
is very good at this.

Owwie. Owwie.

[Humming]

This woman...

Ugh!

He died as he lived--

not really having anything
to do with this film.

Hmm.

Al.

Hey, look out!

Hey, you shot the gardner
and the pool guy

and the chemlan guy.

[Man groans]

Bart,
those were our people.

I want you to know

how much your four lines
of dialogue meant to me.

This has the tone
of an incredible hulk episode.

[Jazz music]

This isn't
appropriate right now.

His friend
is dying over there.

- It's nice.
- It's nice, though, yeah.

[Laughs]

Bart Fargo is...

Hard to watch.

Hey, we're just
playing croquet.

If he harms one hair
on my earrings...

Bart Fargo.

Bart Fargo, Bart Fargo,
Bart Fargo, Bart Fargo.

- That's hard.
- That is.

Thank god
this is bullet-proof ermine.

Hi. You dead yet?

Al, how do you feel?

Are you urpy?

I'm sorry, Bart.

I--thought--
I thought I could do it.

What? Oh, right.

You'll be all right.

We'll just get that Halloween
scar all cleaned up.

I'm running out on you.

You'll--you'll have
to finish it on your own.

Come on.
Now you're just milking it.

Take it easy.

I'm dying in a rush.

Aah!

Hey, we lost a titleist--
[Groans]

Oh. I guess this thing
was pulling left.

Sorry! Heh.

Thanks.
That's so comforting.

[Jazz music]

Bart Fargo,
Bart Fargo, Bart Fargo,
Bart Fargo, Bart Fargo...

- Shut up.
- I just like doing it.

When his relationships sour,

he really lashes out.

Go on without me--
oh, you did. Okay.

[Imitating music]

By the way,
it's over between US.

Bart, it's open.
Jeez.

Oh, yeah, right.

Stephen Hawking could
have broken those doors.

[Scatting]

Even though I'm watching
him right now,

I don't remember him.

Broke into
Wes Montgomery's house.

Oscar Peterson's house.

By now the death ray
is completely forgotten.

Lionel Hampton's house.

I have no idea
what I'm doing,

but I've seen this all
in the James Bond movies, so...

Whoops. Heh heh.

Wrong floor.

Heh.
Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, I love that.

Yes.

I think you know
who just did that, don't you?

Have you and the death ray
gotten to know each other?

Just wanted to finish my
video game before I killed you.

Uh, can I have
the last blintz?

Let's see.
You are here.

Where's bloomingdale's?

I do enjoy this.

It's a simple pleasure.

[Imitating music]

You're watching
the all chair channel.

Oh, crap.
It's danger!! Death ray.

I hate this movie.

Cool, huh, folks?

[Chuckles]

Yes. Yes, yes.

Little of this here.

Yes. Yes.

There.

I got into
the cooking Sherry.

[Hiccups]

Pow.

Oh, this is really
interactive TV.

Oh, I don't use that
very much,

but it's worth the money.

Cool.

Poopy.

Is this what they mean

by the dressing rooms
may be under surveillance?

The "dow, dow, dow, dow, dow"
attachment.

So there's where
they put the ceiling.

The clever bastards.

57 channels
and nothing's alive.

The death ray
looks mutely on.

He's so dreamy
when he shoots.

You gotta love me,
don't you, huh?

Hmm? Hmm? Hmm.

Uh, maybe I should have
thought of this earlier.

Man, we are tearing
through the cameras.

Do I have a big nose?
Do you think?

Oh, I'm nervous now.

Don't move
or the curtain gets it.

Bart Fargo,
Bart Fargo, Bart farg--

that is funny.

I can't watch
another episode of seaquest.

I must do something.

I can see
why men like women.

Me too.

Tell mommy
where the gin is.

Dance with me.

Oh. Aah!

Okay, I'll sleep here.

See what you made me do?

This movie could have
been very successful,

but then talkies came.

Yeah.

You know,
they were gonna call this
danger, wall-mounted guns,

but it wasn't
a very good title.

I think having a house
with wall-mounted guns

shows a fear of intimacy.

This house has the guns,
but no central air.

So beware.

Hey,
nice grand finale there.

Fireworks and all that.

Right now I bet that guy's
getting on the phone

with his wall-gun
representative.

Yeah, you gotta slap it in
like that, or it doesn't work.

Yep. Pretty much.

Whatever 17th century baron
built this place,

he had surprising
technology.

Think it was Jefferson.

Ha.
Now he's an art critic.

Oh, I wonder
if I took a leak right now

if I'd break my momentum.

Probably.

I'm gonna make sure he doesn't
get his damage deposit back.

Ugh.

[Imitating jazz music]

Cool.

What's this?

[Suspenseful
harpsichord music]

[Imitating harpsichord]

What's all
the arpeggioing about?

Ah, hey. O--
uh-oh.

Hey!
I've seen you on TV.

Garner Ted Armstrong
kicks some ass.

O-Okay. Stay there.

The death ray works,

but the victim really
has to cooperate.

I think he's under-applying
the death ray.

Making a mockery
of my death ray.

Now I'm going to give you
laser eye surgery.

Hello.
I have a death ray.

Oh. Guess I should have
seen that coming.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Oh. Glad I don't live
in the upstairs apartment.

You know,
actually the death ray

would be good
for Hollywood premieres.

Danger drywall.

Lucille.

Did you check me out
in the monitors?

How was I?
How did I look?

Are you all right, darling?

Professor, I'm a friend.

Now don't worry.

I hope my death ray

has not been the cause
of all of this.

[Jazz music]

Hey.
Ba dah-dah pantsuit.

* ba dah ba
ba dah dah bra *

whoo!

* ba ba dah panties

* ba dah dah
ba ba ba girls *

huh?

It says,
"ba dah ba dah ba dah dah."

On a new job already?

I don't know.
I don't read Italian.

Hmm.

Yeah, I'm awfully smooth.

Now I've got my affordable
townhome all to myself.

Well, now to sit
in my underwear

and watch silk stockings.

* bing

[imitating jazz music]

This is where
your widescreen format

really comes in great.

Great, she's got a
"matron in a mental hospital"
dress on.

It's bubble up.

I got it out of the machine.

It's right down the hall.

[Device beeping]

[Woman]
Bart. Bart.

The plane
leaves in an hour.

I'm all packed.

Sctv is on the air!

Why don't you answer?

John Cameron Swayze
intercepted it.

Oh, come on.

What in the heck?

Heck was that?

[Imitating jazz music]

Well, one thing I'll say
for that movie,

it was really bad.

Oh, Michael jeter would have
made a better secret agent.

I hear you, guys.
It's--

cambot?

- What the--?
- Cambot, are you okay?

Oh.

Think there's something
wrong with cambot.

- I know. Cambot...
- What's going on?

- Are you having a lot
of feelings about this movie?

Yeah.
Yeah, I bet you're sad

because all those
innocent video cameras

got killed or maimed, huh?

Yeah, well,
there, there, cambot.

Come on now, honey.
It's just a movie.

It's just a movie.

They didn't really get hurt.

Now come on.
Let's see you smile for me.

Come on.
Let's see you smile.

There it is.
Come on, cambot.

You're okay.

Cambot's so sensitive.

If you womany ladies
are about done,

maybe cambot
could get back to work

and put that letter
on still store?

Okay, fine. All right,
let's read a letter.

Uh, this one's
from Chuck Cole.

Put it on still store there.

You can kinda see that cambot's
been crying on it.

Uh, "dear Tom servo."

Hey.

"If your head
is transparent,

"why can't I see through it

when you're in front
of the big screen?"

Uh, Chuck,
it's because of physics.

There you go.

And, "p.S., have you
thought about starting

your own fan club?"

Uh, no, I haven't,

but crow started
my own fan club.

Yeah, it's going very well.

Oh, cambot.

Oh, you know,
why don't you take the day off?

Go lay down.
Or--or go shopping, huh?

Poor kid.

I'll fly away.

Oh! It's here,
it's here, it's here.

Oh, Clayton!
Clayton!

What? Frank, what?

I was right in the middle
of splicing a DNA.

Well, Clay, you know,

I was feeling bad
about what happened earlier,

so to make it all up
for you,

I got you a present--

my glamour shot!

Oh, well, frank.
Thank you.

That's--that's very sweet.

I--i have
just the place for it.

Oh.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Shall I push the button?

Yeah.

Frank,
you look like a slut.

Do you really think so?
Do I?

[Woman]
Bart? Hello?

Bart?