Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 7, Episode 21 - The Beast of Yucca Flats - full transcript

♪ In the not too distant future ♪

♪ Way down in Deep 13 ♪

♪ Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank
Were hatching an evil scheme ♪

♪ They hired a temp by the name of Mike ♪

♪ Just a regular Joe they didn't like ♪

♪ Their experiment needed
A good test case ♪

♪ So they conked him on the noggin
And they shot him into space ♪

[Mike] Get me down!

♪ We'll send him cheesy movies
The worst we can find ♪

♪ La-la-la ♪

♪ He'll have to sit and watch them all
And we'll monitor his mind ♪

♪ La-la-la ♪

♪ Now keep in mind
Mike can't control ♪

♪ Where the movies begin or end ♪

♪ La-la-la ♪

♪ He'll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his robot friends ♪

Robot roll call.

-Cambot!
-Show yourself!

-Gypsy!
-I'm not ready!

-Tom Servo!
-Hello there!

-Crow!
-That's one "O".

♪ If you're wondering how
He eats and breathes ♪

♪ And other science facts ♪

♪ La-la-la ♪

♪ Just repeat to yourself
It's just a show ♪

♪ I should really just relax ♪

♪ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♪

-No, no. The plumb. Mike, the plum.
Mike, watch your plumb. Mike.

-Yes, Servo, I know.

-Uh, the pattern's
not matched up, Mike.

Hey, you know, the pattern's not
matched up over there, either.

-Thank you, Crow.
Thank you very much.

Hi, everyone, I'm Mike.

And, uh, Crow and Servo
here are helping me lots

with my little
wallpapering project.

-That's right. I thought this
would be a good way

to give the place a
little perk me up. [laughs]

We were gonna go with
the Christmas wallpaper.

Then I put the kibosh on that.

And it was very difficult to say
no to the birthday wallpaper,

but I absolutely fell
in love with this.

-Yes siree Bob,
we made the right choice.

We gotta show Gypsy.

Should we show Gypsy?
Hey, Gypsy!

-Huh? Oh.

Ooh.

Oh, my God!

Oh my, oh my, oh,
wrong, wrong, wrong!

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

-[laughing] Oh, well.

Sometimes, a new look takes
a little getting used to.

-We'll be right back.
-Yeah.

-I think I still
see a place where

the pattern's not
matched up, Mike.

Although it is fun when we all
pitch in like this, isn't it?

-Oh! I think the bads are calling.
-Really?

-You know what I found out about you

and your cute little friends, Nelson?

You're part of the counterculture.
That's right!

You're the enemy
of hard working guys like us.

That's why today
is a great day.

For today, we rally in support
of Proposition Deep 13.

Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you!

Simply put, Proposition Deep 13 means

that we will send you today's experiment,
The Beast of Yucca Flats.

Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you! Thank you.

And it will crush
the Satellite of Love, Nelson,

because we've signed a contract
with America.

Tell them what we're
sending them, Frank.

-We're sending
you a wake up call

named The Beast of Yucca Flats.

-Take that, counterculture.

-You're out of touch,
and we hate you.

-Oh, you do, do you?

Well, maybe we can't
match your pomp

and your balloons
and your bunting.

-Oh, hold on, I think I got a horn!

-But what we do have here
is this man, the nation's most

articulate spokesman
for the dream that is

The Satellite of Love.

This fearless man
who has led us,

his quaking sheep, through,
lo, our darkest hours--

-Thank you.
Thank you, Servo.

-[making horn noises]

-Need I describe how he stood
with us before the goons

and truncheons of
Peabody Mining?

A loyal friend to the unions!

A--
-Get out of here.

Thank you. Our--
-[making horn noises]

-Thank you.
Our message is a simple one.

-[making horn noises]

-Crow. Crow...

For we have struggled,
yet we have prevailed...

-[making horn noises]
-...through-- please. Thank you.

Through the dark days of Outlaw--
-[making horn noises]

-And-- and The Creeping Terror...

[making horn noises] Hey!

-...that we shall triumph,
for we are somebody.

-Yeah!

-Oh, really?

Even if I tell you that
The Beast of Yucca Flats

is another motion picture
from Coleman Francis?

-Well, I think we can survive.

-We're doomed!

-We have been forsaken.

[crying]

-I thought so.

So without further delay,
be prepared

to be crushed by
The Beast of Yucca--

-Actually, uh,
there's a short first.

-After the short,
be prepared to be crushed by--

-Oh, uh, actually there's
another short after that.

-In about a half an hour.
Would that work?

Be prepared to be crushed
by The Beast of Yucca Flats!

-Come on.
We can do it, guys.

The dream will never die.

-[crying]
-[movie sign buzzer]

-Oh, we got Movie Sign!

-Oh, we got Movie Sign!

[music playing]

-[Crow and Servo crying]

-[Mike] Oh, come on.
It's gut check time.

We can do it.

-[Crow] And talks and talks.
I can't get a word in edgewise.

-[Servo] Ah, for high school
students from 7 to 70.

-[Mike] I'll bet high school
students flocked

to this movie in droves.

-Produced by imps!

-[Servo] Promoting dullardism throughout
this great land of ours.

[music playing]

[Crow and Servo humming with music]

-[Servo] Money is fun.
-[laughter]

-[Crow] When it's fun.

-[Crow] OK, so we steal
the money tonight.

-[Servo] Ooh, he's had his
chest excavated.

-[Mike] Greasy scarecrow boy not
invited.

-Want to go to the dance with me?

-[boy, voiceover] Well, here we go again.

Why is it that I always run out of money
just when I need it?

-[Servo] Why do I caulk my hair?

-[boy] Why am I always broke?

-Maybe it's my crack habit.

-[boy] Bob buys himself a car,
while I have to worry about

wearing a hat
to take his sister to a dance.

-[Crow] Maybe it's these
mortgage payments.

Should have bought
a smaller house.

-[boy] I don't get it.

-[Servo] Ah, the appeal of Adam Sandler.

-[boy] Other people don't seem to worry
about money all the time.

Why am I always in the red?

-[Crow] Even having a huge
Mallomar doesn't help.

-[boy] $0.50.

Half a dollar.

-[Servo] In those days,
that'd buy you a car.

-[boy] Benjamin Franklin, eh?

-Bite me, Franklin.

-[boy] He was supposed to be a pretty
smart fellow when it came to money.

I suppose he could have told me
how to keep out of the red.

-He was the best
president we ever had.

-[boy] Aw, what's the use?

-[Servo] Sorcerer!
-[shivers]

-[Mike] Why must I be a young
Christopher Walken?

-There's no place like a bank.

There's no place like a bank.

-[Servo] Alfred Hitchcock!

-[man] William.

William, my boy.

-[Mike] Can you borrow me $1.00?

-Who's that?

-[man] Over here, son.

-[Crow] Directly in front of you.

-[Servo] Tom Bosley's come to haunt him.

-Don't you recognize me?

You were just looking at
me on that half dollar.

-[Mike] Just reach for the gun.

-Are you Benjamin Franklin?

-[Benjamin] That's right.
Come over here, son.

I'd like to talk to you.

-Could you have your slave press my suit?

-[Benjamin] That's right. Over here.

-[Servo laughs]
-Thank you, boy.

Perhaps I can be
of some help to you

in removing you from what you
so quaintly describe as "the red".

-[Servo] For a price!
-What do you mean?

-Now, I don't think
that your problem

is a difficult one, William.

You have one important
thing to learn,

and then you'll have no problem.

You must learn how
to manage your money.

-What money?

-[Servo] Don't smart-mouth me, boy.

-You've a point there, son.

You must have some money
before you can manage it.

But you do not fare
badly on that score.

-[Servo] You can sell your body!
-I don't?

-No.

Let me show you.

-[Crow] Will our mystery guest
enter and sign in, please?

-[Benjamin] Come on, boy.
-[Mike] Jump on my stomach.

-Come a little closer.

Suppose you look in this mirror
and see what it tells you.

-[Mike] God, I'm fat.

-[Benjamin] Now, take a good look
at you and your earnings.

-[Crow] I'm Kate Moss!

-[Benjamin] You receive $2.00 every week
as an allowance from your father.

-[Mike] James Joyce.

-[Benjamin] Something quite unheard of
in my day.

-Fathers?

-[Benjamin] Then, you earn about $3.00
each week delivering for the pharmacy.

-[Servo] Here's your sherry.

-[Benjamin] In addition,
you obtain another dollar or so

in what you call "tips".

-Or protection.

-[Benjamin] You earn between $6.00
and $7.00 a week, William.

-[Mike, Servo and Crow] Ooh.

-A tidy sum for a boy
who's still in school.

-Maybe so, but I never have
any money when I need it.

-That's not because you're
a poor earner, William.

It's because you're
a poor spender.

-[Crow] And a bad person.

-Poor spender?

-Yes, my boy.

You spend your money
without any plan.

You buy whenever the mood strikes you.

-[Servo] Furs, cars, trips to Vegas.

-[Benjamin] You spend your money as
fast as you acquire it.

-[Servo] Ugh.
-[Benjamin] With no thought

for the future.
-[Servo] You idiot.

-[Benjamin] Then,
when something comes along

where you need money,
you do not have it.

-On behalf of all girls, none of us
are going to the dance with you.

-I guess you're right.

But what should I do about it?

-[Servo] I don't know!

-Whatever you want to do, my boy.

The important thing
is to want to do something.

Now, judging from these drawings,

-you'd like to be an architect someday.

-[Servo] Forget it, soda jerk.
-That's right.

-Fine.
Then let me ask you a question.

Why should anyone pay an architect
for house plans?

Why shouldn't he just go
right ahead and build it?

-He wouldn't know
what to do first.

He wouldn't have a plan.

-[Benjamin] Exactly.

The plan is a guide.

A means to an end.

It enables a man
to build the kind of house he wants

for a price he can afford to pay.

-[Servo] Ow, my gout!
Oh.

-And the same thing, William,
holds true in handling money.

-[Servo] I hate you.

-You must decide what you
want your money to do for you

and then, plan your
spending accordingly.

You've heard this before.

Plan your spending.
-[Mike] Ding!

-[William] Oh, that sounds all right
if you have a lot of money to plan with.

-[Servo] Listen, little toad.

-Believe me, William,
it's even more important

if you do not have
a great deal of money.

-How come?

-Because the less
money you have,

the more careful
you must be with it.

Did you ever hear of a budget, William?

-Uh, that's a fish, right?

-I sure did.

Just last night.

-[Servo] Whoa. I don't think I want
to hear about this.

-[man] I'm sorry, Bill.
-[Mike] I'll have to break your legs.

-You have to learn
to manage your money.

I can't let you go along thinking
that money grows on trees.

-But I only need another
dollar and a half, Dad.

-You'd have the money for that
dance if you kept a budget.

I have to keep one, you know.

-[Servo] You talking to me?

-[Benjamin] Your father was right,
William.

He has to keep a budget to be sure

that all essential items
are taken care of.

-[Servo] Dope.
-And it's the same for you.

-Me? Oh, no.

That budgeting business
sounds too complicated.

-But your budget
needn't be complicated.

You haven't as many things
to consider as your father has.

Here. This is the idea.
-[Mike] Ding!

-[Benjamin] A budget should fit the user.

-Like a teddy.

-[Benjamin] It is designed
to fit the person

who's using it.
-[Mike] Jay Gatsby.

-[Benjamin] Take the budget
of your friend Bob, for instance.

-[Servo] Bob's a better
person than you are.

-[Benjamin] He keeps a record
of each expenditure.

-Bob is anal.

-[Benjamin] Then, all he has to do
is look at his budget [audio skipping]--

exactly how he stands.

-[Servo] Hm.

-[Benjamin] Notice that last item
on his budget, William?

Savings?

-[Servo] Get it, William?

-How does he ever
have that much left?

-He doesn't have it "left", William.

If Bob saved only what he had left,

he would not have that car.

-Huh?
-He sets that aside first.

-[Mike] Uh.
-Boy, what willpower.

-[Benjamin] No, it isn't just willpower.

You see, Bob had a goal.

-[Servo] And two assists!

-He knew two years ago
that he wanted a car

when he finished high school,
so he began saving for it.

Each week, he went down to the bank...
-[Crow] And robbed it!

-...and deposited his savings regularly.

And the extra money he made
during vacations

helped his bank account grow, too.

Until one day, he had enough
to buy the car he wanted.

-[Mike] But then he crashed
his car and died.

-[Benjamin] Bob remembered
one important rule.

-[Servo] Stuffing instead of potatoes.

-[Benjamin] Save for a goal,

so you can buy something
you really want later on.

You see, William, it's just as true today

as it was the first time I said it.

"A penny saved is a penny earned."

-Thank you. I'm out of here.

-Now, suppose you
decided to have a budget.

How would you start?

-Well...
-[Mike] With lots of money.

-The first thing I would do
is to estimate my income.

-That's right. Figure it out.

By the week, in your case.

-[Servo] Shouldn't take long
to estimate $0.50.

-Estimate my income.

-[Benjamin] Then you must decide just how

you're going to spend your money.

-That's right.

Plan my spending.

Plan my spending.

-Could you get your stomach
off my desk, please?

-How do I do that?

-Well...

-[Mike] Have illegitimate children.
-[robots laugh]

-You may not be able to do
it very accurately at first,

but you'll keep
adjusting your budget

as you go along until you get it,
so that it fits.

And that's the third point.

Keep it flexible.

-Keep...
-[Mike] Pretending to write.

-...budget flexible.

-[Benjamin] Yes.
Do not ever let it become too rigid.

If you do,
you'll become a prisoner to it.

-[Mike] Hey!

-And finally, you must
plan your savings.

-[William] Plan my savings.

-[Servo] William,
what are you doing in there?

You're not talking
to the founding fathers again, are you?

-If you'll remember these
few simple rules, William,

I'm sure that you'll find it
very easy to stay out of "the red".

-Dead people have
too much time on their hands.

-[Servo] Oh, and, uh,
kill your parents. Bye.

-[Mike] But it was too late.

William filed Chapter 11.

-That was my darkest vision yet.

[Servo humming eerie music]

-[Servo] I knew then,
I had to blow up the school.

-[Servo] Ooh.

-[Mike] Son, you're in deep
to mother and me.

-That's interesting, Bill.

-Oh, hi, Dad.

-A budget, isn't it?

-Yep.
Just finishing it.

-Yeah, this is my weekly
feigning of interest in you, son.

-[Servo] You're gonna buy a dress?

-Hm. Pretty good.

-Helter Skelter.
Very nice.

-How'd you happen to do this?

-Oh, I just got to thinking.

-I see.
Well, it'll be interesting to see

how long you stick to it.
-[Mike] You little loser.

-Oh, I don't intend to stick
too close to this to start with.

I'll keep adjusting it as I go along.
-Oh?

-Sure. That's important,
to keep a budget flexible.

-Like Gumby.
-Or you'll find yourself a prisoner to it.

-[Servo] By the way, have you seen
your mother lately?

-You got a point there, son.

-[Mike] Well, I've got to go sit
downstairs.

-Take that budget of yours, Dad.

-And shove it.

-Don't you think maybe
it's a little too rigid?

-What?
-[Servo laughing]

-Couldn't you stretch it out
this one time?

So you could let me have a dollar
and a half for that dance?

-[Mike] All right, son.

I will go to the dance with you.

-OK, son, you win this time.

Oh, uh, what'll I charge
this to on my budget?

-Education.
-Whose?

Yours or mine?

-See you next week, son.

-Here you are, son.

-Gee, thanks, Dad.
-Thanks a lot, loser.

-[William] Thank you, Mr. Franklin.

-[Servo] For making us laugh
about love again.

-[Mike] Benjamin Franklin was tried in
the 8th Circuit Court on stalking charges.

In a minute, the results of that trial.

[all exclaiming]

-[Crow] I'm having a freak-out
up to 10 years later!

[narrator] An American democracy.

-[Servo] Would be really great.

[narrator] Island of old world elegance.
-Guam?

[narrator] Rich in its heritage
of art and culture.

-[Mike] With wah-wah pedals
playing constantly.

[narrator] A wealth
of historic grandeur and beauty.

-[Servo] Does not exist here.

-[Mike] Who's the cat who would risk
his life for a fellow man?

Shaft.
Yeah. Can you dig it?

[narrator] Year round sun
makes this island a vacation paradise.

-[Crow] And very hard to sleep.

[narrator] And today,
it is also a land of progress.

-[Servo] But we can't tell you
where it is.

[narrator] Building into the clean
blue skies,

-the island is on the move.
-[Mike] Hawaii?

-No, an island.
-[narrator] Apartment complexes,

bilingual schools...

-[Servo] Bisexual students.

[narrator] ...modern hospitals...
-[Servo] Are not here.

[narrator] ...luxury hotels.
-Are desperately needed.

[narrator] Progress can be seen
everywhere.

-[Mike] In places other than this.

-Circle Pines is really thriving.

[narrator] This is Puerto Rico,
Progress Island, USA.

-Oh. When did they change the name?

-[Servo] A Quinn Martin production.

-[all humming along with the music]

-[all] Puerto Rico!

[narrator] Puerto Rico,
a 1,000 miles southeast of Florida,

where the Atlantic meets the Caribbean.
-[Mike] And they really hit it off.

[narrator] A land the size
of Rhode Island,

it is just as American in its way of life.

-So you might as well
just stay where you are.

-[Servo] Ah, indigenous cuisine.

-[Mike] With this, and this, and that!

-[Crow] Here, money is
exchanged for coconuts.

[narrator] Puerto Rico is permanently
associated with the United States.

Its three million people are US citizens,

and like other Americans,
enjoy a representative form of government.

-[Servo] Feel the glory
of the royal scam.

[narrator] The capital, in San Juan,

where the Senate and
House of Representatives

form the legislature.

-[Mike] Newt Gingrich
is the head of that, too.

[narrator] La Fortaleza,
built by the Spanish in 1540,

it is the oldest governor's mansion
in the Western Hemisphere.

-And it shows. Whoo!

[narrator] The promise of this land
is fostered through education.

Institutions like
the University of Puerto Rico

contribute to continuing progress.

-[Servo] But not much.

[narrator] Here, one-third of
the entire population is in schools.

-[Mike] Latka Gravas goes to class.

-[Servo imitates Latka]
Thank you very much.

-It's room dos dos dos.

[narrator] Today,
the island's educational system

attracts young people
from around the world.

-[Servo] But mainly from Puerto Rico.

-[Mike] Here, we're flying in
another trumpet section.

-That nose wheel feels mushy.

[narrator] San Juan International
Airport,

crossroads of a global network
of air transportation.

-[Servo] It's real neat. Ooh!

[narrator] Travel from anywhere
in the world in a matter of hours.

-[Mike] Just like everywhere
else in the world.

-OK, let's get funky now.

-[Servo] Yes, even the air
supports airplanes

just as it does
in the not better United States.

[narrator] For the visitor,
Progress Island

offers a tremendous
variety of experiences,

beginning with the rich and
colorful heritage of the Caribbean.

-Which we buried
in order to build skyscrapers.

-[Mike] Look, just come here.

[narrator] The fortress
of San Felipe del Morro.

-[Servo] Is to be avoided at all times.
-[Crow] Ooh.

[narrator] Constructed in 1591,

it withstood the attacks
of Sir Francis Drake,

and witnessed many battles
throughout its proud history.

-[Servo] Fun times at Guantanamo.

-[Servo, Mike and Crow] Progress!

[narrator] The streets
of old San Juan,

once the cornerstone of
Spain's Caribbean empire.

-Now the site of numerous muggings.
-[Servo] No!

♪ Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme ♪

[narrator] Casablanca,
home of Ponce de Leon,

who sailed with
Columbus and established

the first permanent
settlement on the island.

-[Servo] Oh, thanks a lot, Ponce.

-And here's where the nuns sleep.

[narrator] In the rooms and
courtyards of Casablanca,

one can still hear the echoes
of the Spanish main.

-[all] Whoa!

[narrator] ...authentic costume, dance,

and music of old San Juan.
-[Crow] Are not here.

-[Crow] Valerie Harper lookalike
contests are held.

-[Mike] Yes, no matter what the culture,
folk dancing is stupid.

-[Servo] Here, Up With People get down.

-[Mike] ♪ Don't break my heart
My achy breaky heart Puerto Rican heart ♪

-Well, thanks for coming out
tonight and supporting live folk dancing.

We have another show coming up, so don't--

[narrator] The Museum of Art in Ponce,

a perfect setting for a family outing.

-[Crow] I wish we had that for you.

[Mike laughs]

[narrator] The virtuoso Pablo Casals...
-[Crow] Is porky.

[narrator] ...founder of the island's
finest music festival.

The museum collection
represents five centuries

of American and European art.

-[Mike] I'm not speaking to you.

[narrator] The cultural institutions
of Puerto Rico

enjoy an international reputation.

-[Servo] For omelets.

[narrator] All over the island,
abundant recreational facilities

await the visitor, old and young.

-Like swing sets!

[narrator] Championship golf courses,
the finest to be found anywhere.

-[Servo] Are in Florida.

[narrator] The tennis season?

Year round.

-[Mike] Here, Gilligan plays a set.

[narrator] Puerto Rico is
an indoor playground, too.

There's nonstop excitement
both night and day.

-[Servo] In Las Vegas and Atlantic City.

-[Servo and Crow] Gambling!

[narrator] With sunshine
360 days a year,

Puerto Rico offers
something for everyone.

-Like flights out.

[narrator] Fun filled lifestyle,
whatever your pleasure.

-[Mike] Like walking
or holding a tennis racquet.

-[Servo] Spinal injuries are popular
on the island as well.

[narrator] Graceful palms,
an abundance of beautiful beaches.

Puerto Rico is indeed a vacation paradise.

-Abundant with pink and white people.

[narrator] Resorts like Palmas del Mar
blend old world charm

with modern convenience.

-[Mike] Aw, that means no hamburgers.

[narrator] Condominiums, leisure
villages, and a complete range

of outdoor activities make
Progress Island an ideal place

to live for every member of the family.

-[Servo] Except Mom, Dad, brother,
sister, grandpa, grandma.

[music playing]

-[Servo] Ooh!

-[Crow] Hit me!

[narrator] A band concert
under warm, tropical skies.

-The music of John Philip Salsa.

[narrator] For the people here,
the quality of life

is being fulfilled
with each coming year.

It has formed a continuing
pattern of progress

that all started more than
a quarter of a century ago.

-[all] A century ago!

[narrator] In the beginning,
the economy was based on the land itself.

From the time of Columbus,

Puerto Rico has been praised
for the beauty of her landscape.

-[Servo] And sacked and pillaged
many, many times.

[narrator] Hibiscus and bougainvillea
flourish throughout the year.

-[Mike] As do popincolicplooky
and flingilalalafingulala.

[Servo mutters]

[narrator] The mild tropical climate
encourages many forms of agriculture.

-Here are some moo cows.

[narrator] Green bananas
and young pineapples

ripen in the Caribbean sun.

-[Servo] Stop with the sexual imagery!

[narrator] The largest crop is sugar
cane,

which has been cultivated here
for centuries.

-[Mike] So you can sugar frost your damn
corn flakes, filthy American pigs.

[narrator] Special refineries
process the cane into sugar and molasses.

And thus is born Puerto Rico's
most famous product.

-[Servo and Crow] Mm?
-[narrator] Rum.

-[all cheering]

[narrator] The rums of Puerto Rico,
many different brands,

all with flavors that are
remarkably light and dry.

-[Servo, drunkenly] I love this job.
[hiccup]

[narrator] Almost all of the rum sold
in the US is produced here,

and its export is vital to the economy.

So, drink rum constantly.

[narrator] Within this building
is the heartbeat of that economy,

the Economic Development Administration,

which has achieved remarkable progress
through industrial growth.

-[Mike] Here comes the hard sell.

[narrator] Operation Bootstrap,

a pioneering program for self-help
developed by the agency,

has created an investment environment

which attracts industry
from around the world.

-You mean cheap labor.

-[Mike] Even "sss-p-sss" is here.

-[Servo] ♪ Strawberries, marshmallows
Tinfoil, and fudge ♪

♪ And some dingle balls
Hanging from trees ♪

-Why, even aliens from Mars are here.

[narrator] A skilled workforce
makes Puerto Rico

the largest manufacturer
of many computers,

and a leader in solid state technology.

-[Mike] Things with blinky,
buttony-type things.

-[narrator] Pharmaceuticals...
-[Servo and Crow] Whoo!

[narrator] ...that demand the highest
standards of quality and control.

-When Judy Garland died,
it destroyed Puerto Rico's economy.

[narrator] With the help of
a generous tax incentive program,

hundreds of businesses,
both large and small,

have grown and prospered here.

-[Mike] Even the Pink Jeans Company.

[narrator] Manufacturing includes
everything from apparel...

[Servo humming]
[narrator] ...to high technology products

for the home and industry.

-[Servo] She's plucking her chin hairs!
Yuck.

-Then KISS came to town!

-[Mike] We don't know what this is, folks,
but it's definitely Puerto Rico stuff.

[narrator] One of the most
important operations

on Progress Island...
-[Servo beatboxing to soundtrack]

[narrator] ...is petrochemicals. Nearly
two billion dollars has been invested

in plants and facilities.

-[Servo] And millions poisoned.

[Servo beatboxing to music]

-Another fun friend!

-[Mike] Complete with giant rolls
of toilet paper.

[narrator] Whatever the industry,

Puerto Rico's greatest natural resource
is her people.

-[Servo] Come exploit her people!

-[Mike] Shoo-de-doo.
These will never go out of style.

-Comes complete with
a Peter Frampton album.

[narrator] A growing volume of goods
from the continental United States

arrives in Puerto Rico,
now the fifth largest market

in the world for US products and services.

-[Servo] The fifth or 18th or something.

[narrator] Customers here
on Progress Island

mean over 130,000 jobs
throughout all the 50 states.

-[Crow giggling]

[narrator] And thus,
contribute billions of dollars

to the nation's economy.
-[Servo] Oh.

[narrator] Puerto Rico
and the United States,

a partnership for progress.

-[Mike] Whether you like it or not.

-[Crow] Ahh!
OK, we'll move there!

-[Mike] Can you dig it, can you dig it
can you dig it, can you dig it?

[narrator] An America democracy.

-[Mike] Are we starting over?

[narrator] Island of old world elegance.

Rich in its heritage
of art and culture.

-Ooh, look at the art.

[narrator] A wealth
of historic grandeur and beauty.

-[Servo] Is found on other islands.

[narrator] The Spaniards named it
"Puerto Rico".

-[Mike] Because they couldn't
think of anything else.

[narrator] Today, we call it...

-[Crow] Cheap Laborville.

[narrator] ...Progress Island, USA.

-[Servo] Because we have no regard for
history, culture, or tradition.

-[Mike] We would like to apologize
to all the people of Puerto Rico

that we did not offend.

Bye-bye.

-[Servo humming]

-Ha.

-This is nice, isn't it?
-Yep.

-Yeah.

[rock music playing]

-What the heck could that be?

-I don't know.
Whatever it is, it's annoying.

Hey, Cambot, show me
Rocket Number nine, will you?

[cheering and rock music]

-Hey, come on, keep it down!

-[Servo] Yeah, you bunch
of water buffalo!

-What's your problem?

-Well, we were just wondering, you know,
if you could keep it down.

-What do you mean?

I mean, what's your deal?
Don't you party?

-Yeah, party!

-Woo! Party!
Yeah, we party all the time.

-Come on.

-Because you can come over
anytime, and it's no big deal.

-Really?
-You know what, you guys?

I was just thinking,
when we graduate,

I'm not gonna see
you guys anymore.

And I love you guys so much.

-Shut up, Shelly!

-Well, we were just wondering, you know,
if you could pipe down.

-Pipe!
-[cheering]

-Bad choice of words, Mike.

-Oh, my God, you guys, Doug gets off
in about a half an hour

at the Pump and Munch.
I gotta get ready, all right?

Keep partying!

-Hey, here's my two bucks!
Who do I pay?

-[groan]
-What the hell?

-Hey, you wanna stick around
and party after everyone goes?

-Hey, come on over, guys.

They got Rick Wakeman's
Journey to the Center of the Earth!

[cheering]

-Crow, come on. Get back here.
This is so depressing.

This is like
something out of our--

-Out of our youth, maybe?

I know just what to do, Mike.

[whistling siren noises]

-I smell bacon!

Escape!

-[laughing]
-That's pretty good.

-Whoa. Geez, Mike, what have
you got against partying?

-Hey, I party--
We'll be right back.

I party as much as the next guy.
-Look what I got.

-You got a tattoo!
-Yeah!

[ticking clock]

-[Crow] I was having so much fun.
-[Servo] Wild man.

-[Mike] Well, maybe we'll party
sometime.

-[Servo] Shabbily furnished room action
like you've never seen it before.

-I'm Mike Wallace.

-[Mike] I'm Morley Safer.

-[Servo] I'm Ed Bradley.

- Odds are she's eating
ramen noodles tonight.

-[Mike] ♪ Woke up, got out of bed ♪

♪ Dragged a comb across my head ♪

-I'd be depressed
were it not for my room.

-[Servo] Joey Ramone!

-[Mike] Well, it's really
not worth screaming.

What's the point?

-The Cindy Williams murders.

-[Mike] OK, I'll give you my bio notes!

[ticking stops]

-[Mike] Oh, it was her who was ticking.

Let me tuck you in.
You've had a hard day of dying.

Just, uh, show the folks my butt there.

-[Servo] Presents, Scarlet.

Maybe not. I don't think so.

-[Mike] Abbot and Costello meet
the Beast of Yucca Flats.

-I wish it was
the breast of Yucca Flats.

-[Servo] You think Coleman Francis
had a casting couch?

-[Mike] Probably a casting cot.

Lost Boys?

-Oh, so the beast
pilot's in in his own Piper Cub.

-[Mike] Oh.
-[Servo] Huh.

I figured Tor Johnson
would play the butler.

-[Mike] Tor Johnson as the Beast.

That's just smart casting.

-[Crow] Mm.

Coleman Francis actually
had a staff for this movie.

Can you believe it?

-[Servo] Ah, Progress Island.

-[Mike] Get off my land, you credits.

-[Servo] ♪ Never be
Your Beast of Yucca Flats ♪

Thank you.

-[Mike] Masterpiece Theater presents.

-When in Hollywood,
visit Francisland.

-[Servo] This doesn't look like
the Coleman Francis genre, does it?

[narrator] Joseph Javorsky,
noted scientist.

-[Mike] And airplane.

[narrator] Recently escaped
from behind the Iron Curtain.

Wife and children killed in Hungary.

His aide carries a briefcase--

secret data on the Russian moon shot.

-[Crow] And a change of underpants.

[narrator] Joseph Javorsky's
destination-- Yucca Flats,

and a meeting with top brass
at the A-bomb testing grounds.

-[Servo] Avon testing grounds?
-[Crow] Huh.

[Servo] Rabbits with little shaved
butts.

-[Mike] Oh, wait. I'm sorry.
That's just Tor Johnson.

-[Crow] Mitch Jenkins pulls up.

Destination, Yucca Flats Super Red.

-[Servo] Time for go
to ground transportation.

-Here's the airport, Mr. Khrushchev.

Well, not really an airport.
More of a field.

A landing strip.
Well, not a strip.

-[Mike] Marlon Brando arrives for
the Larry King interview.

-[Servo] Jeez, even his head
has a beer belly.

[narrator] These men are also
from behind the Iron Curtain.

-Pay no attention to them.

[narrator] Two of the Kremlin's
most ruthless agents.

Their orders?

Get the briefcase.

Kill Javorsky.

-[Mike] They got it all mixed up.

They killed the briefcase
and got Divorsky.

-[Servo] Oh, it's a divining gun.

[airplane flies overhead]

-[Mike] Daddy, what's Vietnam?

-Ooh, he's got a high albedo.

-[Servo] Tony Cardoza!
-[gunshots]

-[Crow] Ew, ew, ew!

-[Mike] This here part doesn't
need any narration, folks.

It stands on its own.

[gunshot]

-[man] Mr. Javorsky, get in the car.

-[Servo] I'm off-camera,
but just do as I say.

-Haven't really
caught the wave of this movie yet.

-[Mike] Who's shooting who
and what should we do?

-[Servo] Beautiful.
Just beautiful.

Off camera excitement,
the Coleman Francis way.

-Johnny, you forgot your lunch!

-[Mike gasps] The coffee guy!

-[Servo] I like coffee.

-They're driving
through a Wisconsin petting zoo!

-[Mike bleating] Help, please.

Help.

-[Servo] Ah, and what would
a Coleman Francis movie be

without the Coleman Francis mountain?

-[Crow] It is more suspenseful
when you don't know what's going on.

[narrator] Flag on the moon.

How did it get there?

-[Mike] These are all just
random sentences, folks.

-[Servo] This does have
all the earmarks of a KGB operation.

[narrator] Secret data.
Pictures of the moon.

-Nude.

-[Mike] I'm ruthless!

[narrator] Secret data,
never before outside the Kremlin.

Man's first rocket to the moon.

-It's the KGB, Mr. Benny!

-[Mike] He's either a ruthless agent

or he's Schemer from
Shining Time Station.

-[Servo] I just love how deep Tony
Cardoza gets into character.

-Yeah, he just goes in there and sits.

-[Mike] He did all his own fake driving
for this movie.

-[Crow] OK, you chase me
for a while. [giggling]

-[Mike] A star city.

[gunshots]

-[Crow] Beautiful.

-[Mike] Coleman Francis,
the cinematic poet of parking.

I'm ruthless!

[gunshots]

[robots and Mike laughing]
-[Crow] I call him dead!

[gunshots]

-[Servo] He's trying things in this
movie he later perfected in Red Zone Cuba.

[gunshots]

-Stay alive, whatever Kurator find.

[gunshots]

-[Mike] Hold on. Just let me
clear out here. I'll just--

-Uh-oh. This darn gun.

Just a sec, people!

-[Servo] Tor be late for interview.

-[Mike] Better call the Kremlin.

-Just don't shoot while I'm reloading!
That wouldn't be fair! OK, OK.

[gunshots]

-[Servo] Man desert horse no name.

[humming]

[gunshot]

-[Mike] Apparently I'm dead.
Ugh.

-Wonder if wife pack lunch.

-[Servo] I'll just hail a cab
and get out of here.

-[Mike] We'll never find him.

Tor just blends right into the foliage.

-Tor was a Navy Seal,
so he can handle this.

-[Servo] No, no, Mrs. Kruschev
has wandered off again.

-[Mike] You know, I thought they
didn't look like Yucca Flatians.

-[Crow in Russian accent] So,
you hear that new Yakov Smirnoff album?

[narrator] Yucca Flats.
-[Servo] I'll say.

[narrator] The A-bomb.
-[Mike] And thou.

-You know, Tor is much like
the Thompson's gazelle.

You know, running, leaping
to elude his predators, and, uh...

[explosion]

-[Servo] Oh, that's what
that button does.

-[Mike] Should we have warned
the nearby town? Nah.

-My Lunchables!

-[Servo] You dare question the great Oz?

-[Servo] Coleman Francis had
a dark, muddy vision.

With some cars.

Yep. Well...

-[Crow] Hm.
-[Servo] Come on.

-[Mike] Get on over here, now.

You know, parallel parking
is easy in Nevada.

You gotta say that for it.

-We could really use another
A-bomb explosion right about now.

-[Servo] See Bonnie and Clyde's death
car!

-[Mike] It was a dark and boring night.

-Carl Sandberg?

[narrator] Vacation time.

Man and wife.

Unaware of scientific progress.

-[Servo] But they know they
need a new dishwasher.

-I told you kids to
settle down back here!

-Oh, wait.
The engine's in the front.

-[Servo] I never said that!
It's so funny you think I would say that.

I never said that.

-[Mike] Wait, don't tell me.

Tor Johnson, you old
son of a so and so!

-I wonder if I look like Laura Dern.

Nah.

No.

No.

-[Servo] OK, OK, I'm dead already.

Jeez.

-[Mike] Honey,
we have to be to Izatys by 4:00.

-He's going to use him as a car jack.

-[Servo] There was no such thing
as clinical depression

until this film was made.

-[Mike] This is a wonderful honeymoon.

-[Servo] Now how'd he get in the back?

-Mom, he's touching me!

-[Mike] Oh, Tor went to some, uh, fancy
club last night and got his hand stamped.

-[Servo] Kenneth Branagh's
Mary Shelley's Bram Stoker's

Wes Craven's Tim Burton's
Beast of Yucca Flats,

a Francis Ford Coppola film.

-[Mike] I'll just sleep till we get
there.

-[Servo] Some marriages
just get off to a rocky start.

-This will not help the
Discover Yucca Flats campaign.

-[Servo humming along with eerie music]

-[Mike] Honey, we at grandma's.

-[Servo] My turn to drive.
I'll just climb over you.

-[Crow] Yep. Look like you need
new alternator light.

-[Mike] Tor went bobbing
for rubber cement again.

-[Servo] Oh, Tor pull huge groin muscle.
Ow.

[narrator] Joseph Javorsky,
noted scientist.

-[Mike] "Melted scientist"?

[narrator] Dedicated his life
to the betterment of mankind.

-And girlkind.

-[Servo] He always did want
a great pair of legs.

-[Mike] You can see why Georgia O'Keefe
loved this part of the country.

-The choreography leaves
something to be desired.

-[Servo] Must get home to catch
Five Mrs. Buchanans.

-[Mike] Never use yourself
to block your tires.

-[Servo] No.

-Well, here's your problem.

You're dead!

-[Servo] I'm Cherokee Jack.

-[Mike] Well, I'm sure he's fine.

I'm sure it's nothing.

-[Crow] I, uh, gotta go tell my mom.

-[Servo] Think, dammit, think!
Must get a car!

Oh.

-[Mike] He leaves to the strains of
the Cherokee Jack theme.

-[Servo humming]

-[Mike] ♪ Cherokee, Cherokee Jack ♪

-[Servo] ♪ Cherokee, Cherokee ♪

-Oh boy. Another great car
approaching scene.

-[Servo] How do you decide when to turn
on your lights in a Coleman Francis movie?

-[Mike] The Bartok music
really makes the scene.

-[Servo] ♪ Cherokee, Cherokee... ♪
[humming]

-[Crow] You know,
this could be Coleman Francis's

very best car approaching sequence ever.

-[Mike] No.
-[Crow] Yes.

-[Servo]
♪ I'll have a cup of coffee and a roll ♪

♪ And maybe just a roll
And maybe then some crullers ♪

♪ And a danish, one or two ♪

[narrator] Young Joe Dobson.

Desert patrolman.

-[Mike] Lover of fine wines.

-[Servo] Finder of lost gloves.

[honking]

-Officer.
-Yeah?

-There's a man dead,
back down the road.

-Dead?

-How far down?
-Couple miles.

Maybe more.

Laying behind his car.

Looks like he's been choked.

-Real actual dialogue.

-[Mike] Fine, I'll just put off breakfast
and investigate your little murder.

[Servo] Oh, no, I can't have a cruller.
I have to look at a body.

-[Mike] Why do I have to go now?
He'll be just as dead after breakfast.

-[Mike] Wow, he's dead.

-[Servo] Oh, it's Westworld.

-OK, car.

Draw.

Oh.

-[Mike] What the hell?
It's got a Nash front and a VW back.

-[Servo] Good thing I came around.
Battery could've died.

-Oh, my God.

In all my years on the force,
I've never seen a flat tire like that.

-[Mike] Sir, do you have any idea
how fast you were dying?

[narrator] Joe Dobson.

-[Servo] Bitter over missing breakfast.

[narrator]
Caught in the wheels of progress.

-[Mike] Having trouble logging on
to the information superhighway.

-I'm still trying to figure out
that "flag on the moon" thing.

-[Mike] I hear you.

-[Servo] I'll have to ask the interior
to step out of the car, please.

-[Mike] Hey, a little bit of melted
leftover Kit-Kat bar.

[narrator] Man choked to death.

-[Mike] On a purse.
-[narrator] A woman's purse.

And footprints on the wasteland.

-[Mike] His limericks aren't very good.

-[Servo] Watch out for snakes!

-[Mike] Nope, breakfast calls.

-Fine, thanks.

Just leave me here.

-[Servo] Let's see now. Let's see.
Should I have French toast, or--

No! The blockbuster breakfast.

Yeah. Ooh, heaps of hash browns,
sweet, flaky pastries, some sausages.

Yum, yum, yum, yum.

[narrator] Touch a button, things
happen.

-[Mike] Sometimes.

[narrator] A scientist becomes a beast.

-This beast stuff is
harder than I thought.

[Servo] Art thou dead, little cutie?

-[Mike] Hey, I could use a hand here.

-It's now time to make move.

-[Servo] Honey.

Oh, honey, what I wouldn't
do for hair like that.

-[Mike] Hey, Tor, got a match?

-[robots and Mike laugh]
-I love that one.

-Lunch is at 11:30, right, Mike?

-Yeah.

-So is it 11:30, Mike?

-No.

-Now is it 11:30?

-No.

-Well, how soon until 11:30 is it?

-Oh, you don't want to know.

[squeaking]

-It has to be 11:30 now.

-It is so not 11:30.

-It can't not be 11:30.

-It couldn't be less 11:30.

-[humming]

-Is it almost 11:30 now?

-It is so not 11:30.

-You can't tell me
it's not 11:30 yet.

-It has never been less
11:30 than it is right now.

-Is it 11:30, Mike?

-Ah, it's completely 11:30.

-Oh!

Ha-ha!

Mm, mm.

When will it be 11:30 again, Mike?

-Oh, well, we just went through the--
[movie sign buzzer]

-Oh, we got movie sign.
-What? What? What?

-Take your sandwich and come.

-[Servo] What were you
talking about there?

-[Mike] I don't remember.

-[Servo] ♪ Hosanna superstar ♪

-[Mike] Maybe these people
have some crullers.

-[Joe] Jim?
-[Crow] Oh?

-[Jim] Be down in a minute, Joe.

-She's wearing her Wonder-nightie.

-[Mike] She's an attractive man.

[Crow groans]

-[Servo] Ugh!

OK, breasts. We get it.

-[Joe] Yeah.
Better come with me.

Trouble up the road.
Murder.

-[Jim] Be right down.

-I'm glad I can talk to you so openly.

-[Mike] Oh, uh, flag on the moon, too,
by the way.

-[Servo] Say hello to your mom.

-That's a hard face.

That's a face that challenges you.
-[Servo] Yep.

-[Jim] See you later, honey.

-[Mike] Coleman Francis solves
the problem of sound sync.

[narrator] Jim Archer, Joe's partner.

-[Servo] Really should wear a shirt.

[narrator] Another man
caught in the frantic race

for the betterment of mankind.

Progress.

-[Crow] You know, your short window
peepers really hate this house.

-[Mike] Affordable tract housing.

-[Servo] That place probably has
an assumable mortgage.

[narrator] Jim Archer.
-Yo!

[narrator] Wounded parachuting on Korea.

Jim and Joe try to keep
the desert roads safe for travelers...

seven days a week.

-[Mike] They really wish they
could get some time off.

-Oh, there he is.
Sorry.

-[Servo] July 12th, Tor establishes
base camp at the foot of Mount Shasta.

-[Mike] Now carry over threshold.

[humming "Here Comes the Bride"]

-Jeez, a phrenologist would
have a field day with Tor's skull.

-[Servo] She's not that heavy, but
she's shaped kinda awkward.

-Here, you take the good boulders.

-[Servo] It's like
being abducted by Montana.

[narrator] Shock waves of an A-bomb.

A once powerful, humble man

reduced to... nothing.

-[Mike] But hey, he keeps busy.

-[Servo] So anyway, you can see
how this all adds up to a movie.

-I always cry
during these scenes.

-[Mike] Tor want to make it with you.

-[Servo] A-ha, Night on Butt Mountain.

-[Mike] Come up here where
it's really obscene!

-[Servo] Ricola!

-[Mike] Love that.

-[Servo] Tor snaps into action!

-Sorry, honey.
Hadn't realized you dead.

-[Servo] I'm gonna play nine holes,
sweetie.

I'll be back.

-[Mike] It's a total eclipse of the sun.

[narrator] Joseph Javorsky.

-[Crow] Rooty Patooty.

[narrator] Respected scientist.

Now a fiend.
-[Servo] But he's my fiend.

[narrator] Prowling the wastelands,

a prehistoric beast in the nuclear age.

Kill.

Kill just to be killing.

-[Mike] ♪ Hills alive
Sound of music ♪

Father Mackenzie, darning his socks
in the night when there's nobody there.

[narrator] The mouth of the cave,
1,000 feet up over jagged cliffs.

A man murdered.

A woman's purse.

-[Servo] A thin plot, endlessly
restated.

-[Mike] I think I left a bag of
crullers up here last month.

-[Servo] This is one tough par five.

[narrator] Jim and Joe pick their way
upward to the mouth of the cave.

-[Servo] To fetch a pail of water.

[narrator] One slip...

-[Servo] One pair of panties.

[narrator] ...and 1,000 feet to nowhere.

-[Mike] I'm sorry,
I meant two feet to nowhere.

What am I thinking?

-[Crow] Joe? J-Joe?
Joe, what are you doing to that rock?

Joe, do not do that.

Joe.
-[Servo] Buddy.

Really touchy.

-[Mike] They haven't gotten very far
with the Crazy Horse monument.

-[Servo] Hello, mister-- Mr. Johnson?

Say, hello, Tors, are you home?

[Mike snoring]

-[Joe] Well,
there's the owner of the purse.

-[Jim] Yeah. Let's take her down.

-[Mike] Book her.
-[Jim] May still be alive.

-[Servo] Go ahead, ask her.

-[Joe] Is she still breathing?

-[Jim] Careful with her arm, Joe.

-I told you we should have
brought that two wheeler.

[Servo grunting]

-[Mike] Well, if you're going
to stand on her shoulder,

we're not going to be able
to pick her up, now are we?

-[Servo] I'm glad Tor didn't cocoon her
with his massive spinnerets.

-Maybe they should leave a note for Tor.

-[Servo] Now would be a good time
for some phrases.

A woman's purse.

Flag on the moon.

A man murdered.

I'll check back in a moment.

-[Crow] I think this is the single
hardest item on the scavenger hunt.

-[Jim] Hey, Joe. Here, feel her pulse.

-[Servo] Isn't that weird?

-[Joe] Well, doctors can't help her.

Maybe angels, but not doctors.

-[Mike] That's kind of
a girly thing to say, Joe.

Now feel my pulse, Joe.

-[Servo] She's dead,
so we can just toss her down, right?

-Paper, mister?
-[Crow] Why, yes it is.

You're a bright boy. [laughing]

-[Mike] Did the beast get
mentioned in Winchell?

-[Servo] Don't give me the floor model,
son. Give me a real one.

-They don't even have a daily paper,
and they're putting out an extra?

-[Mike] Kid's gotta sell
all three copies by noon.

-[Servo] Meanwhile,
in bustling downtown district,

or "the loop", as they call it.

-[Mike] Oh, good.
More driving action.

[narrator] Vacation time.
-So good bye.

[narrator] People travel east,
west, north, or south.

-[Servo] Some people just burrow
straight down, I guess.

[narrator] With two small boys.

Adventurous boys.

-[Mike] Boys who swordfight
in the desert sand.

[narrator] Nothing bothers some people.

Not even flying saucers.

-[Crow] What the-- huh?

-[Mike] I forgot what I came here for.

-Come on, Art.
Let's get some soda pop.

-[Servo] Check their oil, Lassie.

-[man] Hey, mister?
-[Mike] Can I have another doggie chew?

-[man] Uh, do you mind if we
bother you a minute?

-Well, as long as I don't
have to speak on camera.

[Mike] Here you go, doggie.

[grunting]

-[Servo] Tales of the gold monkey.

-[Mike] It's Tetanus Park!

[narrator] Boys from the city,

not yet caught
in the whirlwind of progress,

feed soda pop to the thirsty pigs.

-Pigs go better with Coke.

-[Servo] Pigs begin writing
on the side of the barn.

[narrator] Coyotes.

Once a menace to travelers.

Missile bases run them
off their hunting ground.

-That's another movie I'm working on.

-[Servo] Humphrey!

-How much do I owe you?

-$3.00.

-[woman] Boys!
We're leaving!

-[Mike] We're going to the ear wax
museum.

-You shouldn't have killed that pig.

-[Servo whispers] Sorry.

-Mom, we saw some real pigs.

-Yeah, and a coyote.

-Coyote?
-Yeah.

-Don't you be playing with coyotes.

Now come on.
We're leaving. Come on.

-Aw, we never get to have any fun.

-[Mike] But you looked at pigs.
And there's a tire.

You've had lots of fun.

-[Servo] So long, folks.
Enjoy our bleak landscape.

-How'd she get away from us?
She's dead.

-Well, she just gave me the slip, Joe.

[narrator] 110 in the shade...

-[Servo] 130 in my pants.
[narrator] ...and no shade.

Jim and Joe try to make
their way up to the plateau.

To reach the top,
a man needs an airplane.

-Or a big pogo stick.

[narrator] A jump from a plane
could land you on top.

-[Mike] Or a helicopter might do.

Did I say "flag on the moon" yet?

-[Servo] Why do they call this "flats"?

-I get the yucca part, but--

-[Servo] Oh, this is not good
for my groin injury! Ow.

-[Mike] Thank you for holding me, Ray.

You have soft hands.

Jeez, his star is the size
of a dinner plate.

[robots laugh]

-The beast put $100 down
and bought an old Studebaker.

-[Servo] Yucca Flats Frontier Days
is every August, by the way.

And the Yucca Flats Jaycees
are very active.

-[Mike] Maybe it's some other folks
caught up in the progress.

[narrator] But the killer's
not on the plateau.

-The killer's in Memphis,
marrying his 12-year-old cousin.

-[Servo] Javorsky. Ron Javorsky.

Played quarterback for the Eagles.

-[Mike] Well, I don't know
what we were doing

or why we climbed those rocks,
but here we are.

[narrator] Hours in the broiling hot
desert sun,

with no trace of the killer.

-Phooey.

[narrator] To put Jim Archer's paratrooper
training to good use is the only answer.

-[Servo] Here, have a little propane.

[narrator] A trip up into the skies
and jump.

-[Mike] Start flapping your arms.

[narrator] And if the killer
is on the plateau, kill him.

-Plus, Coleman has lots
of skydiving footage.

-[Servo] Come on, faster! Faster!
We're not in the air yet!

-[tire pops loudly]
-[Crow] Whoa!

A sudden attack of drunkenness sets in!

-[Mike] Right into your living room.
-[Servo] Whoa.

-[Servo] We invite you to visit
Yucca Flats for the beautiful fall colors.

-Hey, how'd they get in Cuba?

-[Mike] I'm going put
my little star on here. This could be--

-[Servo] Ah! That must be the Yucca
Flats.

-[laughs]
-[Mike groans]

-[Crow groans]

-[woman] Hank?

I don't see the boys.

-[Hank] I'll take a look.

-[Mike] Well,
they're not in the tire, honey.

-That is why the close-up was invented.

-[Servo] Sheriff Tintin.

-Jim, shoot first.

Ask questions later.

-[Mike] They're just little boys
who wandered off!

-The camera loves me.

-[Servo] The pubescentest gun in the
West.

-[Mike] Good luck, boingy.

-♪ Those mediocre men
In their flying machines ♪

-[Servo] ♪ They sort of go up ♪

♪ They kind of go uppity up, up ♪

-There you go.

[Mike hums to soundtrack]

♪ Yucca Flats ♪

♪ Yucca Flats ♪

-[Crow] Hank, I can't find me now.

-[Servo] A very nice prairie dog
taught me about being a woman.

-[Mike] What was I looking for?
-Hank?

I can't find them.

What do you think we should do?

-I don't know, Lois.
-[Mike] I'm not Hank. Does that help?

-Stay here. I'll go out farther.

We'll find them.

-Worrying about the kids
helps keep intimacy at bay.

-[Servo] Ah, we're up in the air!
Oh!

-Thank God for the Steadicam, huh?

-[Mike] Nope, no reaction.

Doesn't do it for me. Nope.

-[Servo] I love an old gold man.

-[Lois] Randy?

Art?

-The dingos took my baby.

-[Servo] ♪ I feel pretty
Oh so pretty ♪

-[Crow] Coleman gets arty!

-[Mike] You know, these two
do make a crack rescue team.

-[Servo] Wow! We could pee anywhere.

-Ron and Clint Howard in True West.

-[Mike] Sorry,
I still can't feel anything.

Nope. Nothing.

-[Servo] Jeez, the first
McDonald's Playlands weren't that good.

-What are they staring at?
Have they seen Christ?

-[Mike] I thought Shrubworld
would be more fun.

-Unstoppable parking action!
Whoo!

-[Servo] Marvel as they
get out of the car.

-[Servo]
♪ There's a bright golden haze on the-- ♪

-Art?

Randy?

-I'm feeling randy!

-[Servo] You Randy?

Nah.

-[Mike] Ah, hell, I put in enough time.

-Hey, a raccoon!

-[Mike] This whole sequence
can't go on long enough for me.

-[Servo] ♪ Hosanna ♪

♪ Hosanna superstar ♪

-[Mike whispers] Stop that.
-[Servo whispers] Sorry.

-It's Nickelodeon's Waiting for Godot.

-[Servo] What an oddly proportioned
little man, huh?

-[Crow] It was daring of Coleman to
change the theme from parking to walking.

-[Mike] The beast! Ah!

No.
-[Crow] Oh.

-[Servo] I'm a lunch lady at heart.

-I'm poor but clean,
downtrodden but proud.

-[Servo] This movie stops at nothing,
and stays there.

-[Mike] Well, at least my shirt
is quite comfortable.

-Nuclear test site
sure is well guarded.

-[Servo] It's like he got lost on
his way to the drugstore.

Huh?

Hm?

-[Mike] "Keep... oat.

Out?

Go verne mine-t pro-part."

-Well, on the good side,

this is time away from Mrs. Potatohead.

-[Mike] Art? I'm gonna have to make
a lean-to out of your hide.

-[Servo] Disappointing turnout
for REO Speedwagon at Alpine Valley.

-Shh. He's laying his eggs.

-[Mike] Why, it's Verne Gagne.

[narrator] Always on the prowl.

-[Servo] For the ladies.

[narrator] Looking for something
or somebody to kill.

Quench the killer's thirst.

-Well, we have mom's looks
and dad's intelligence.

We should be able to deal with this.

-[Mike] He looks like a lawn jockey.

[robots laugh]

-[Servo] ♪ One singular sensation ♪

[humming]

-[Servo] Huh?

-Tor, you've lost weight!

-[Mike] This guy is stealing this film.

-[Servo] Yeah, still can't get worked
up.

-Nope, nothing over there
excites me either.

-[Mike] Hey, look!
They opened the new Prange Way.

[Servo grunting]

-[Mike] I see a renegade shrub.

-Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
-[Servo] No no no.

[gunshot]

-[Mike] OK, ground, hold still.
-[bullet ricochets]

-[Servo] No,
don't shoot the dad of Yucca Flats!

-Vacationing at the Most
Dangerous Game Dude Ranch.

[gunshot]

-[Mike] Is that a Piper or a Beechcraft?

[gunshot]

-[Servo] This guy's a terrible shot.
No wonder we lost Korea.

[gunshot]

[laughter]

-Oh, owie, owie!

-[Mike] Oh, thought somebody
killed me there for a second.

[gunshot]

-[Servo] Whoa. Guess I'll have to dig
him out of the crack of Butt Mountain.

[bullets ricochet]

-What, have they got
a spider monkey holding the camera?

-[Mike] Feels kind of good.
Weird, but good.

[Servo laughing]

-Well, he's a spry little dad, isn't he?

-[Servo] Is this guy piloting
with his feet?

-[Crow] Ugh!

[gunshot]

-[Mike] Just holding the camera
in front of himself.

-Well, this doesn't do much for me.

-[Servo] Oh, he disguised himself
as a tumbleweed.

See?
-[gunshots]

-[Mike] At least I'm getting
a good aerobic workout.

[gunshots]
-[Servo] A bit of a rip-off.

-[Mike] Coleman steals from only the
best.

-Oh, this would happen to me!

-[Servo] Oh, ho-ho, that is hard
on the crotch, I must say.

-[Mike] Well, he was probably
guilty of something.

-Wanna get a good look
at that one pebble.

[narrator] Shoot first,
ask questions later.

-[Servo] Ask "Christian Slater"?
Okay...

-[Mike] Shoot the film first,
ask questions later.

-Great Waffle House down there!

-[Servo] Wha-- what? Wait, what did I
say?

-[Mike] ♪ Everything's going my-- ♪

Well, I'd better get back to--

[narrator] The pilot dropped his man.

-[Servo] Now he wants another one.

[narrator] If Joe Dobson moves north,
Hank will be caught in the middle.

-Of my constant droning.

[narrator] An innocent victim,
caught in the wheels of justice.

-[Mike] I've been handed a rewrite.

It's no longer "progress".
It's now "justice".

-[all singing to soundtrack]
♪ Francis ♪

♪ Coleman Francis
Coleman ♪

[narrator] A man runs.

Somebody shoots at him.

-[Servo] Sorry. That's all we got.

That's our movie.
Good bye.

-He's headed for Caesar's Palace.

-[Mike] Well, still, I'm not with my
wife.

[Servo] Ow.

This is not my beautiful gulch!

-[Crow] I thought they said June 5th!

-[Mike] The Shootist, with John Wayne.

-[Servo] Yep, he just landed, folks.

-What's he doing?

Oh! [laughs]

-[Mike] I really should say something
to him about shooting me.

[narrator] Jim Archer.

Ex-paratrooper,
trained to hunt down his man.

-[Servo purrs suggestively]
[narrator] And destroy him.

-[Mike] And your State Farm
representative.

-He wakes with a taste for heroin.

-[Servo] ♪ Hosana ♪

-[Servo] ♪ Hosanna superstar ♪

-[Mike] I told you about that.
-[Servo] Sorry.

-[Mike] Mm, dirt.
Two, three days old.

-I'm sick, I'm dying, and yet
I have a taste for nachos!

-[Mike] Mm, nachos.
That's what I need.

-[Servo] ♪ Hosanna ♪

-Hello.

I'm Crow T. Robot
of the Satellite of Love.

You know, The Beast of Yucca Flats,
Skydivers, and Red Zone Cuba

are just three examples of the many, many
godawful films made during this century.

Tragically, films like these
are not deteriorating fast enough.

That's why I urge you to support FAPS,

the Film Anti-Preservation Society.

At FAPS, we're devoted to allowing
the films of Coleman Francis

and countless others
to die a gentle, natural death.

We'll use your donations
to transfer these films

to fragile, volatile silver nitrate stock,

so they'll rot quickly
into nature's compost.

Now, here's how you can help.

If you find a copy of a film as bad as,
oh, Aspen Extreme,

please, store it in a warm,
moist, salty place

such as a cheese factory, or your mouth.

-Uh, Crow?
-The situation is serious.

If we don't take action now,

the entire filmography
of Sylvester Stallone

may be available for our children
and our grandchildren to view.

So if you want to save future generations

from the legacy of Cliffhanger,

Demolition Man, Cobra--
-Crow?

-Rhinestone.
-Crow?

-Oscar,
Stop, Or My Mom Will Shoot.

-Crow?

-I'm on television, Mike!
Nighthawks, Paradi--

-Uh, don't you think what
you're suggesting is wrong?

-You're right, Mike.
How awful of me.

Where was I?

So please, call now,
and pledge what you can.

Just dial 1-800-LETROT.

Won't you?
Thank you.

-[laughing] Yeah, Crow T. Robot
may or may not be back.

Uh, just come right this way.
Could you?

-Important film meeting?
-Yeah, that's right.

-I'm ready for my close up.
Mr. Katzenberg, hello!

-[Mike] You look great.

-[Mike] Love this movie.

-[Servo] Oh, boy.
I'm always surprised to see human feces.

[narrator] The hunter and the hunted.

-[Mike] This fall on ABC.

[narrator] With only a few hundred yards
between him and the enemy.

Jim closes in for the kill.

-[Servo] And just as Jim
closes in for the kill,

so does Mutual of Omaha
close in for the kill.

[Mike snickers]

-She was in Bergman film
where she played low self-esteem.

-[Mike] Today's Romanian woman.

-[Servo] Well, let's see.
Was I shot in the gut?

Or, no, the leg.
No, the arm, I think.

Well, some part of me hurts.
I'm not sure which. Ow.

-Harcourt Fenton Mudd,
you dirty, rotten, lazy thing,

thing, thing!

-[Mike] Bob Mathias is Chet Baker
in The Jesse Owens Story.

-[Servo] Oh, my muffins!
Oh my.

-Honey, I'm taking the kids
off the find list.

-[Lois] Where are the boys?

Why are you running?

-I have no time to explain, Lois.
Stay here.

The boys may come back.

I've gotta get help.

-Uh, but-- but-- but--
what-- don't leave!

I mean, c-can I have the canteen?

Oh, oh.

-[Mike] Lads, he is a wondrous mystery.

-Honey, my abandonment issues
are coming up!

[narrator] Joe Dobson headed north
and met Jim.

-[Mike] They married and settled down.

-[Servo] Well, gotta go!

-Hi. Shoot any joggers today?

-[Servo sings to soundtrack] ♪ Beast of
Yucca Flats, beast of, beast of ♪

♪ Beast of Yucca Flats ♪

[narrator] Twenty hours without rest
and still no enemy.

-[Mike] He has an S body.

[narrator] In the blistering desert
heat,

Jim and Joe plan another attack.

-[Servo] On what?

[narrator] Find the beast and kill him.

-OK, it's the same plan.

-[Servo purrs suggestively]
-[Mike] Ha-ha-ha.

[narrator] Man's inhumanity to man.

-[Servo] Or beast's inhubeastity to
beast.

-I'm blocking out the fact
that they shot me.

I'm not letting it get to me.

-[Servo] Oh, would you open the gate,
please?

I'm near death, for crying out--
Oh, jeez.

-[Mike] The fifth grade production
of Of Mice And Men.

[Servo hums to soundtrack]

-[Crow] Oh, there.

That feels a lot better.
I'm glad I did that.

Oh, no one-- no one will see that.

-[Servo] Heidi, the mature years.

-[Art] Randy?

You think we're lost?

-[Mike] You can't keep things from kids,
huh?

-[Randy] I don't know, Art.

Maybe. Let's go.

-[Crow] Those Donner party people
seem very nice.

Taxi?

-[Servo] Well, I suppose I'll just
sit here and wait for death to take me.

-[Mike] I'll sew.
That's what I'll do.

[Servo] Oh, honey.

-[Crow] Well, I'll permit myself
one Chiclet now.

-[Servo] I've been meaning to clean my
glasses for months, but you get so busy.

-[Mike] I'm sad.

-[Crow] Many years later.

-[Servo] So, did Francis promise you
back end, too?

-[Mike] Remarkably, the boys stumble
across the source of the Nile.

-[Crow] The concept of Wham! is born.

-[Art] Randy?

Is that water down there?

-[Randy] I sure hope so.

-[Art] My throat's dry.

-[Randy] Mine too.

-[Servo] I've seen water before,
and I'm pretty sure that's water.

-[Mike] He oughta pop that.
-[Servo] Ugh.

-[Crow] Should we worry about
the dead cows laying next to the pond?

-[Servo] Hi. Can I play through?

-[Mike] Those butts are ripe for
kicking.

-[Crow] Uh, well, it wasn't water.

-[Servo] Oh, cute crop top.

-[Mike] Well, we're in Wisconsin now.

Or maybe it's Cuba.
Or Nevada. Whatever.

-[howling]

-[Crow] Oh, the young Ed McMahon.

-[Servo] Cut it out, Mom.

-[Mike] I must pose
for my Dustbowl portrait.

-Back in '54, there were
many gentleman callers I had.

-[Mike] Where did they find
my third grade teacher?

-[Servo] I'm pretty sure this is a shot
intended to convey something.

-[Crow] This is an odd sort of stalking.

-[Mike] I swallowed a bug.

-[Crow] He must have dropped
a bowl of Cream of Wheat on his head

and it hardened.

[all chuckle]

-[Servo] I think Tor would be
more comfortable in a skirt, don't you?

-[Mike shudders]

Is that yellow tiger tail?

-[Crow] Oh, would you close your mouth?

-[growling]
-[Crow imitates growl]

-[growling]

-[Servo laughs] You know, for Tor,
sneaking up and pursuit are not his forte.

-[Mike] You know, Tor was originally
offered the role of the mom in this film.

[Servo beatboxing to soundtrack]

-[Servo] Oh, I think she's going
to do an impression.

-After a brief moment of almost action,

we're back to our normal pace.

-[Servo] Flag on the moon.
How'd it get there?

[whispers] What the hell does that mean?

-[Mike] You know, this place is probably
nicer than Javorsky's place in Moscow.

-[Art] Randy?

-[Randy] What?

-[Art] Where are we?

-[Randy] In a cave, I guess.

-[Servo scoffs]
-Come on, Art.

Be careful.

-[Mike] Randy?
Do we state the obvious?

-[Art] Think that old man
can get us up here?

-[Randy] Don't talk about it.
Come on.

-[Crow] You're blocking, Randy.
We have issues to deal with.

-[Mike] Mm-hm.
How the hell did I get up here?

-[Servo] ♪ High on hill
Live lonely goatherd, lay lay loo ♪

-[Crow] Tor is all the Brothers Johnson
rolled into one.

-[Randy] Art, get back.

-[Mike] Oh, false alarm. It's not Mom.

-[grunting]

-[Servo] Why?! Why can't I get
a baked potato before 5:00 in this town?

-[continues grunting]

-[Crow] They never should have
let Tor improv.

-[Servo and Mike imitate grunting]

[narrator] The beast,
finding his victim gone,

unleashes his fury.

-[Mike] Aw, fudge-- [mutters].

-[yelling]

-[Crow] To the moon, Alice!

-[Servo] Tor could have been contender
instead bum which am.

-Tor have tough day.

-[Mike] He always does a few
push-ups before turning in.

-[Servo] Beautiful night.
Tor sleep on porch.

-[Mike grunts]
With the thing and the-- ah!

Yeah.
[continues grunting]

-[Servo] Think we can jump him, Randy?

-Oh, wait.
Tor forget to set alarm.

-[Servo] The only landscape I know
that's enhanced by telephone poles.

-[Mike] Would it hurt
the Atomic Energy Commission

to stop by once in a while to say hello?

-[Randy] Art, come on.

-[grunts]
-[Randy] Get back!

-[Crow] What is he, a beast,
or my mashuguna grandpa?

-[Servo] You kids with your bikes.
Ugh!

-[Mike] If Hank is gone seven years,
I'm free to marry again.

-[Crow] Waiting for the romance between
Tor and Mom to get going.

-[Mike] Yeah, that's a twist.

[narrator] With Hank
and some helpful neighbors...

-[Servo] They raise a barn.
-[narrator] ...the search narrows.

-[Mike] They're concentrating on the rogue
Russian scientists in the neighborhood.

-[Crow barking]

[Servo meows]

-I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. Francis.

-[Mike] Now, this could be
vacation footage, for all we know.

-And the Tasty Freeze staff
is brought in to help.

-[Servo] What are you,
with your rap, and... [groaning]

-[Mike] Don't turn off the game!
I was watching that!

-Argh, I'll teach you kids!

-[Servo] The tension is so thick,
you could cut it with a knife,

but, please, use a spoon.

-[Mike] Found a Playboy up here once.
Keep your eyes open.

-[Crow] Really?

-[Mike] What are you, with your
running and your [shouts].

-[Crow] With your cactus, and your--
argh!

-[Servo] Helpful neighbor
shown actual size.

-[Mike] That bush is trying
to get their attention.

-[Servo] Moses is lost in the Sinai.

-You forgot your complementary stick!

-[Mike] I had a vision I was chased
through the desert by Boog Powell.

[gunshot]
-[Servo] Ooh!

Well, it penetrated his back fat.

[Crow makes rumble noises]

-[Mike] ♪ We fired our guns
And the British kept a-comin' ♪

♪ From the Mississippi to-- ♪

-[Servo] I remember a time when there
were thousands of Tors on the plains.

Ground would shake.
Plains were black with Tors.

-Tonight, The Whales of August.

-[Mike] McCloud, you shot Penn Jillette.

-Tor is posing for a Reuben's painting.

-[Servo] Augh! Just kidding.

-[Mike] Right by
the world's largest Aryan.

-[Servo laughs]

-[Mike] Hide him.
-[Servo] Ew.

-[Crow] Look out! He's rolling!

-[Servo] Am I late for school?

-[Mike makes munching noises]

-[Servo] Another trademark
Coleman Francis butt shot.

-Balanchine. [giggles]

-[Mike] Tor's just mad because someone
ripped the Froot Loop off his shirt.

-[Servo] There, there.
Now try swallowing. Is that better?

-Tor is a field chiropractor.

[Mike] Close your mouth.
Quit breathing on me.

Please, close your mouth.

-[Servo laughs]
Tor like this! This fun!

-Hey, gotta get to bed. [laughter]

[gunshots]

[gunshots continue]

-[Crow] Oh, that was wonderful.

-[Mike] I see the belly
of the great white one!

-[Servo] J-Jim?

Now, back away slowly
from the crotch.

-[Joe] Jim. You all right?

-[Crow] They're going to split him open
and crawl inside to stay warm.

-[Jim] Yeah, I'm all right.

[Mike] Call me, Tor, hmm?

-[Servo] They're gonna find
a whole baby deer inside him.

-This has been one bleak, weird day.

-[Servo] Hey, about that other guy I shot?
Let's keep that quiet.

-Come on. Let's go.
-[Mike] We gotta find that beast.

-[Mike] That's the third beast this week.
We gotta start regulating them.

-[Servo] Slowly, Tor decays
into his base elements.

[narrator] Joseph Javorsky.
-[Mike] Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

[narrator] Noted scientist.

-Family man,
and your candidate for city council!

-[Mike] So? What about him?

-[Servo] Hank, I'm going back to college.

-[Mike] You know, women today
just can't wait like they used to.

-The Velveteen Rabbit.

-[Servo] Isn't it weird that rabbits
have ears that look like antennas?

-[Mike] That's Trudy.

-[Mike] Tell me about that last shot
of the rabbits, George.

-[Art] Mom?
-[Crow] Billy tried to eat my leg.

-[Art] Mom? Mom?

-[Servo fake-cries] This is so touching.
-[Mike whispers] It's OK.

-[Crow] Whoop-whoop-whoop.

-[Servo] Oh, it's a meat eating rabbit.
-[Crow] And they found the mother lode.

He's suckling.

-[Crow] Oh, uh, hi!

I know what this must look like.

-You look like my little Ninotschka.

-[Mike] OK, remain calm. Don't panic.

-[Servo] And now the bunny eats Tor
and becomes The Night of the Lepus.

-Hey, I got a man down over here!
Can I get a medic?

[Servo] Just hold on, buddy.
You're gonna be OK.

-[Mike] Well, nice to meet you, then.

-[Crow] Whoo!
That was an incredible ending.

I just need to sit down for a minute.

-Yay!
-Whoo-hoo!

-Oh, what a sweet victory, eh, Crow?
-Ah, sweet.

-We're going to bring out Mike
in just a moment,

but first, a little housekeeping.

We've got a wonderful chicken dinner
waiting for you all,

so if you'll just hold tight,
we just wanted to read a few

of the many congratulatory telegrams
that we've been receiving

over the course of the campaign.
Crow?

-Ah, here's a congratulary, uh--
Here we go, right here.

This is from Erica Rodriguez Fletcher.
And Erica writes,

"Your show has been a part of our lives
since I was in the fourth grade."

-[Crow] Wow! Wow!
-"I'm in high school now."

-"And we still watch your show."
-Wow!

-"Makes me happy to see our family
laugh their heads off together."

-Wow!
-"We have a pretty stressful life,

but you relieve it.
-From us all."

Ah, thank you. Thank you.
-Isn't that sweet?

-Thank you, Erica.
-Very sweet.

--Here's one from Philip White.
--Philip White.

-White. White. "Greetings, you all.

I'm not young, artistic, and
precocious, and as not such,

would not have a snowball's
chance in Minnesota

of having my letter put on Still Store."
-What?

-I don't quite get that, but let's see
if we can put-- Oh, no, I'm sorry.

We can't put it on Still Store. Sorry.

-Can't put it up there.
-But wait, here comes Mike!

-It's Mike, everybody!
-Mike Nelson, Mike Nelson!

Thank you, thank you very much.

Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike!

-Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much.
And thank you.

Thank you. And thank you.

It was a long and hard campaign,
yet we emerged victorious.

-[robots] Yay!

-We tamed The Beast of Yucca Flats.

-[cheering]

-We rallied around
the Coleman Francis cry.

-I'm Cherokee Jack.

-We took the worst they had to offer,
and we say proudly--

-Coffee?

Yes.
I like coffee.

-With my wife Nancy by my side,

we overcame a generation
forged in war and discipline

by a hard and bitter piece of Harry,
England and Saint George.

We have been to the mountaintop,

and we heard it say
"Ich ben ein Berlinner,"

and "Ain't I a woman?"

-First of all, I'd like to say

that what we've suffered here tonight
is not a defeat.

Definitely not a defeat.

It may look like defeat.

It may feel like defeat.

It may even smell like defeat.

Oh, what the heck.

Frank, I'm going to
start slapping you now,

and I may never stop.

-Let the healing process begin.

[theme music interposed with slapping]

-[yelling]