Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 7, Episode 19 - Red Zone Cuba - full transcript

♫ In the not-too-distant future

♫ Way down in Deep 13

♫ Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank

♫ Were hatching an evil scheme

♫ They hired a temp by the name of Mike

♫ Just a regular Joe they didn't like

♫ Their experiment needed a good test case

♫ So they conked him on the noggin

♫ And they shot him into space

♫ Get me down

♫ We'll send him cheesy movies

♫ The worst we can find

♫ He'll have to sit and watch them all

♫ And we'll monitor his mind

♫ Now keep in mind Mike can't control

♫ Where the movies begin or end

♫ He'll try to keep his sanity

♫ With the help of his robot friends

♫ Robot Roll Call ♫

- Voiceover] Cambot!

- Show yourself.

- [Voiceover] Gypsy!

- I'm not ready!

- [Voiceover] Tom Servo!

- Hello there.

- [Voiceover] Crow!

- That's one O.

♫ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes

♫ And other science facts

♫ Just repeat to yourself

♫ It's just a show

♫ I should really just relax

♫ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♫

(laughing)

- Good one.

- Thank you.

- Oh, hi everybody!

Welcome to the Satellite
of Love, here! That's Crow.

- Hi!

- I'm Tom, and I'll get
Mike! Hey Mike! (laughing)

- You're just in time to read
tonight's lotto numbers, woo!

- Oh, I didn't know
that we were gonna, oh--

- There we go, and the first number is--

- 65.

Whoa! Uh, seven!

Oh, uh, 69!

- 69! (laughing)

- Ah, we got a 12!

Uh, we got, how many of these
lotto numbers do we need?

- Oh, you need a lot
o' lotto numbers, Mike!

- Oh, Okay.

(laughing)
- [Mike] Uh, four! Four!

Two! 27!

Eight, 47!

Uh, we'll be right back!

- Come on Mike, you missed that one!

On your toes, baby!
- [Mike] Okay, 84, 48.

(upbeat instrumental music)

That is, three!

- Three! Three!

- Okay, 800.

- 800!

- And tonight's Powerball number is:

509!

509, 09, 509, 509.

- Oh, uh, Ace and No-Face are calling.

- 509.

- Powerball.

- Oh hi, Mike.

Say, have you ever been
in deep with the mob,

for oh, say, 50 large?

- Ah, no, I don't think so.

Is there a problem or something?

- Oh, nothing, nothing.

It's just that, well (laughing),

I'm in deep to the mob for 50 large.

(laughing)

Oh, well (laughing).

(doorbell ringing)

I'll see who, ah!

Oh, you must be here to see TV's Frank.

I'll go see if TV's Frank is here.

Ah, Clay?

Clay, ah, there's a Joey
"Skinny Legs" Tagliano

here to see you.

- Hmm? Joe "Skinny Legs" Tagliano?

- Yeah, to see you.

- Did I go to high school with him?

I'll bet that's what it is.

I went to high school. Joe?

Hello? Whoa!

(thudding and screaming)

- Ah, gee, I feel kinda bad about this.

I must admit I feel partly responsible,

kind of, sort of.

- Well, I wouldn't worry about it, Frank.

- Ah, Nelson!

Awfully good evening, isn't it?

Naturally, one would find a gentleman

such as yourself at the gaming tables?

- Yes, yes, yes, Mr. Crow,
where was it last we met?

Was it Atlantic City, Monte Carlo,

Grand Casino Hinkley?

- (laughing) Yeah, you're very droll!

Yes, yes, yes, indeed, Nelson, yes.

Why here comes Tom Servo.

- Gentlemen.

Yes, yes, sorry I'm late, chums.

The house extended me a $100,000
line of credit you know,

and I always like to show
the proper gratitude.

(laughing) You know what
I mean, yes, yes, yes.

(laughing)

- Yes well, let the games
begin, eh, gentlemen?

- [Voiceover] B-37, B-37.

- Mmm, yes.

- Ah, well congratulations, Mr. Nelson!

But as they say, the night
is still young, what?

- Yes, very true.

- There there, Dr. F, there there.

- Oh, hi guys!

Ah, your movie today, your movie is

Red Zone Cuba

But first, there's a short.

And then if Dr. Forrester
lives through this

he's going to beat the living crap.

(laughing) Well, enjoy
the experiment, guys.

Hey look, Dr. F, I got you something.

Some nuts, and some hard-boiled eggs!

moaning)

- [Voiceover] Attention! Attention!

The buffet is now being served.

- The buffet!

(alarms buzzing)

- Speech! Speech!

- Hey, Posture Pals was the
definitive last word on posture.

- Did Ancient Toastmasters make this film?

- Professor Buehler's Day Off!

- There were a lot of forensics going on

in Kansas in the 50s.

- [Voiceover] The ear is the human organ

the public speaker is most likely

to try to impress as he makes a speech.

- After the human nipple.

- [Voiceover] But did you ever think

of the importance of the eye?

The importance of what the
listener sees as well as hears.

- The eyes of Kenneth Mars.

- [Voiceover] Now just suppose
you were a beautiful doll

with rosy cheeks and big blue eyes.

A doll that never talks.

- Just do what he says.

- [Voiceover] Or a tree that basked

in the warm sunshine and
rustled in the breeze.

A tree that never spoke.

- Or you're a can opener.

Metal and shiny and taciturn.

- [Voiceover] Or suppose
you were a spring flower

contrasting your gay
colors with the blue sky.

- I'm not a flower.

- [Voiceover] You know
how you would be judged?

You would be judged
mostly by your appearance.

By the way you look.

- By the kind of car you drive.

- [Voiceover] Appearance
is the basis upon which

a little girl chooses a new doll.

- I like this one 'cause it's whiter.

- [Voiceover] A man's prosperity

is often judged by the
appearance of his home

and thus is man himself judged.

- Yes that's Eisenhower's America.

- [Voiceover] Yes,
appearance is important.

- There, I said it, I'd
say it again if I had to.

- [Voiceover] Appearance
is a powerful factor.

- I learned that the hard way!

- [Voiceover] Appearance is
something you can control.

- Remember, appearance has a pear in it.

- [Voiceover] In public speaking,

your appearance may make the difference

between a good speech and a poor one.

Your appearance may help
convince your audience

you know what you're talking about.

Moreover, it may convince them

you don't know what you're talking about.

- Of course I don't know
what I'm talking about.

- [Voiceover] A good
appearance is something

that everyone should strive for.

Something everyone can accomplish.

- Then let me just get my notes here.

I have something else.

- [Voiceover] It begins with the feet.

It seems strange, but
having your shoes shined

will help you make a better speech.

It will help your general appearance

and make you feel better.

- Also the polish gets you high!

- [Voiceover] And you
should have your suit

cleaned and pressed just for your talk.

This will help you look successful.

- Hey honey, you're supposed
to take the paper off.

- [Voiceover] Be sure
to wear a clean shirt.

- Be sure to get a brand new chin.

- [Voiceover] And your favorite tie.

- Now you're ready to
rub out Sonny Corleone.

- [Voiceover] Be sure your hair

is neat and clean and
you're all ready to go.

- Make sure your part is
gouged into your skull.

- [Voiceover] Yessir,
you're all dressed up

and you're ready to go.

You feel great, but wait a minute.

There's a lot more to appearance

than just having your necktie straight,

your hair combed, and your teeth brushed.

The most important one element

of your appearance is your posture.

- Doesn't help this guy any.

- [Voiceover] Your posture
may be more convincing

to your audience than the
words you say to them.

Depending upon your posture,
this can be good or bad.

- Crack eye sissy pants and--

- [Voiceover] Because your audience

subconsciously judges you
as much by what they see

as what they hear you say.

And they'll see you before they hear you.

(coughing)

The effectiveness of a brilliant speech

can be greatly eliminated by poor posture.

Why?

- 'Cause we like you.

- [Voiceover] Because your audience

thinks about what they see
as well as what they hear.

- It's the village of the damned.

- [Voiceover] If your posture is poor

your audience thinks this
poor fellow isn't sharp.

He's weary and confused,
he doesn't care about us.

and he probably doesn't know
what he's talking about.

And you, you are puzzled,

Why has your speech failed?

- Ever seen a one-eared elephant?

- [Voiceover] Mister, you
don't look good, that's why.

What your audience sees is so bad

they can't hear what you're saying.

- He's got Patty Duke's
dad in his contact lens.

- [Voiceover] Now, good platform posture

can be accomplished by anyone.

With a little effort and concentration.

Good posture is first, a physical matter.

The body should be held erect
and tall with the head up.

Secondly, good posture is a
matter of the mind, your mind.

In your thinking you
must convince yourself

you will think tall,
talk tall, stand tall,

and walk tall.

- Shave tall, jump tall, and crouch tall.

- [Voiceover] Remember
that you must think tall,

talk tall, stand tall, and walk tall.

This will help you with your
posture and your speech.

- What if you're Robert Wright?

- [Voiceover] Now, good posture

serves more of a purpose than
just making you look better.

It helps you to be comfortable

because it keeps you
well-balanced on the platform.

- America First!

- [Voiceover] Poor balance
along with poor posture

causes some of the characteristic types

of speakers you have seen.

This type knows his subject
and has good control

of his voice, but look at him.

He looks almost too tired to stand up.

- Women be different than men!

- Word!

- [Voiceover] He balances first

on one leg, then on the other.

(whistling)

- That's really very good.

- [Voiceover] He is the
tired farm horse type.

- He's an energetic city girl,

can't they get along in the suburbs?

- [Voiceover] Then there's Miss Prim.

The speaker who stands
straight, tall, and rigid.

She seems to be afraid she'll break,

and she looks frightened
and excessively formal.

- And yet startlingly erotic.

- [Voiceover] She keeps her
feet clamped tightly together.

- Enough said.

- [Voiceover] We know her
as the telephone pole type.

Next we have the he-man athletic type.

- What?

- [Voiceover] He stands with his

shoulders back and his stomach out.

And his feet wide apart.

He looks undignified and soon
his awkward posture tires him.

- El Douche.

- [Voiceover] And he rocks
back and forth for relief.

- The lion senses weakness and closes in

chewing at his hamstrings.

(squeaking)

- [Voiceover] He is
the rocking horse type.

- She's a straight back chair type.

Can't they get along?

- [Voiceover] Lastly we
come to the type who leans,

he leans on the table, back
of a chair, or anything handy.

In trying to be nonchalant and at ease,

he makes himself thoroughly uncomfortable.

- The belching doesn't help either.

- Plus he's leanin' on the
people in the front row.

- [Voiceover] He is the turtle type.

All four common types look awkward.

Partially because they're off balance.

Good balance results from
having the bodily weight

well distributed on both feet.

And in having the feet just the right

distance apart for comfort.

You can determine this distance
by making the knee test.

- I will not make the knee test.

- [Voiceover] Place the palms
of your hands on both knees.

- Wait, I'm kidding!

- [Voiceover] Make an easy circular motion

with the hands and knees.

- Until you're incredibly turned on.

- [Voiceover] If your feet are
the correct distance apart,

the weight will be evenly distributed

as you change position.

You'll be well balanced and comfortable.

You'll look poised and dignified.

- Uh, no you won't.

- [Voiceover] With your
feet too far apart,

you have difficulty in standing up.

Because you're off balance, you may fall

either forward or backward.

- Don't do this during the speech.

- [Voiceover] With your
feet too close together,

you're still off balance
and you're uncomfortable.

- Security! Security!

Uh, is your speech over Mr. Johnson? Good.

- [Voiceover] Turn until you find

the easiest and most comfortable position.

Then note the location of your feet.

- Now that's it baby,
shake that money maker!

- [Voiceover] Always try to keep your feet

in this position when you are speaking,

and you won't have to worry about balance.

And with good balance, you've conquered

another phase of good appearance.

(humming)

Now remember that appearance is important.

- You must appear and
you must have matter.

- [Voiceover] And that good appearance

is easily accomplished.

- Except by Denny Dillon.

- [Voiceover] Just remember to think tall,

talk tall, stand tall, and walk tall,

and to achieve good balance.

For good posture and appearance
will greatly increase

your ability as a speaker and a leader.

- And remember to always
leave your area at home.

- My posture's good!

(screaming)

(upbeat instrumental music)

Uh, no cut, no, do it again.

- Well, this is a sunny opening.

- The Union Pacific Railroad.

- Get a good job, get a good education.

- Uh hello, you have a brunch?

- John Carradine, is he
always 100 years old?

- John Carradine for Viceroy.

- Thal Minio for Viceroy.

- I'll keep walking and
eventually they'll stop filming.

- John really fills out a
pair of overalls, doesn't he?

Hmm, station is really
bustling this time of day.

- Mr. Wilson.

- That's right, what can
I do for you young man?

- My name's Jim Bevin from the Gazette.

I'm doing a follow up
story on the desperados

that went through here in '61.

- Which century?

- I remember those men.

- Griffin Cook, and Landis.

I believe you were engineer on the train

they grabbed that night.

- Yeah, that's right.

I was making a run out of Albuquerque.

That was in '61.

- Then I joined the crash test dummies.

- Did you happen to see the
men in the yard that night sir?

- No, at least not close
enough to recognize.

As I pulled out of the yard that night

I remember looking backward.

The conductor was signalling.

I saw some men running in the dark.

- Yessir.

- That's not enough?

- Seems like a long time ago.

- Kid looks like a reporter
from the Cafe Digest.

John makes Keith Richards look dewy.

- He ran all the way to hell.

- There's always a stop at Warsaw.

- How's that fit you fancy pants?

- The Red Zone is for
Cuba and un-Cuba only.

- You know I've got an oily Cuba zone.

(dramatic instrumental music)

Coleman Francis is Curly
Howard in the Fugitive.

Oh, he's good in anything.

- What's that music, what,
oh, I'm being filmed.

- This was just after he was drained

of life by the succubus.

♫ Night train to Mundo Fine ♫

They don't call John
the Voice for nothing.

♫ Night train to the end ♫

- Ah, to be blessed with
an instrument like that.

♫ Running hard and running fast

♫ Into the future and away from my past

♫ Taken back, camel back, hard to last

♫ Night train to the end ♫

- Hah, he's trying to sneak into China.

♫ Hell's ride to Mundo Fine ♫

(whistling)

- No penis?

♫ Hell's ride to the end ♫

Oh now, I'm rocking.

♫ Sold my soul to the devil's pen

♫ Drives me hard with a merciless hand

♫ And all I've got is a handful of sand

♫ Night train to the end ♫

Whoops, there we go again.

♫ Night train to the end ♫

- Jesus, a skateboard is used a lot.

- It's all the malt cups
from his previous takes.

- Take it, get down now boogey man, whoa!

Play that funky music.

- Drink night train, go
to the basketball game

and throw up under the bleachers.

- Mo's gonna kill me!

- We join our story already in progress.

Lord be with you.

Changin' a tire without a license huh?

(clanking)

- Move back.

- Look good, been working out?

- What's you're name?

- Cook.

- Alright, stand back there Cook.

- There will be no tire
changing in my County Mister.

(laughing) That tickles!

- What's your name?

- Landis.

- Where you going?

- [Cook] Looking for work.

We follow the harvest.

- We're headin' South.

- [Cook] No work to be
found nowhere Officer.

- You seen anyone around here?

Field maybe?

- [Cook] No, we ain't Officer.

- Well I'll have to run
you through the computer.

I would if I had one.

- Crap, I'm locked out of my car.

Crouch couch.

♫ This is my country ♫

What did we do?

- Boy, he's nothing if not thorough.

- Alright et that truck outta here,

or I'll row you both in.

- Ah, so it's Marshall Law
in Rat's Ass, Missouri.

- See what happened, get out of my way.

Well you're the one who stopped,

I don't know why you had
to stop in the first place.

(laughing)

Just gotta get this thing outta here!

- Shut up!

- No!

- Damn tire changers!

(dogs barking)

- Sometimes walking the dog
just isn't that relaxing.

- Tony Curtis and Sidney
Poitier are in there already.

- You know this movie can't decide

if it's lighthearted
comedy or gripping drama.

- Oh, my area, oh, oh, oh!

It aches now I'm barren!

- It smells like Coleman Francis in here.

(truck engine revving)

- I'm tired, been a long day (snoring).

♫ Runnin' down the road
tryin' to loosen my load

♫ I got Coleman Francis on my mind ♫

- Wow this film wastes no
precious screen time with a plot!

This film is moving along quite briskly.

- How's your pasta?

- Well look who's finally up.

- I really enjoy our progressive dinners.

- Do I deceive myself then?

Are you saving a specimen?

- No need for that Son.

Sit down, have some coffee.

Few beans left.

No need to make a fuss.

- Aw, pshaw, there's
always too many beans.

- I thought I heard something in the back

of that truck last night.

- But I was too lazy to
turn my head and look.

- No thanks boys, I really shouldn't,

but oh what the heck, it's Thanksgiving.

- Fresh ground pepper sir?

- My name's Cook, this is Landis.

You been up the river?

- That's my little joke.

- You sure fooled that guy last night.

You must've been right by his car.

What'd you do, grab our
tailgate when we drove off?

- Me and Lanis got busted back in '58.

Liquor store, two years of hard labor.

Now I grab at a job anywhere we find it.

No more iron cages.

- Sorry I blew up like that.

- Coffee?

- And thus a solid friendship is born.

- Ah, that's mighty good beet juice.

- This is a hazelnut Sumatra
blend, I think you'll like it.

- Anyone for tiramisu?

(suspenseful instrumental music)

- Oh no, the lunch rush!

- My ride's here, gonna get my purse.

- Hi, I brought your new script pages.

Buford Puser walking dense.

- You boys just drive down from the north?

- Oh, dammit.

- Yessir.

- Didn't happen to see a big fella?

'Bout 200 pounds maybe, hitchhikin'?

- No sir, we didn't.

- Uh huh.

- You provide us services of some sort?

(laughing)

- Alright boys, alright.

- Damn, he's good.

- Just in case you do, his name is Griffin

and the reward is $5,000 dollars.

- He's over there! He's
right there by the bush!

- Griffin, he'll kill ya.

- Ooh, kill you yes.

You look good.

- He's a regular Mycroft Holmes.

- Let me just hoist my large ass in here.

- Once we get past the
character development,

this film's bound to pick up.

Ah yes yes.

- Well, I don't know about you chaps

but I'm still in the mood for some action!

- Ah, well, then! Some high-stakes
pulltabs, perhaps? Hmm?

- Ooh! I'm getting a rush already!

- Why don't we check
on Dr. Forrester, okay?

- Oh, alright.

- If you say so.

- So it's come to this, huh?

Are you just gonna lie
there like a big lump

feeling sorry for yourself, is that it?

Are you gonna let a couple
of scratch and bruises

turn you into a self-pitying sissy-pants?

Well, are you? Are you?

Look at me when I'm speaking to you!

(groaning)

- I don't believe this, I'm
very, very disappointed.

The old Clayton Forrester
wasn't like this at all.

He didn't know the
meaning of the word quit!

He didn't have it in him!

The old Dr. Clayton Forrester would have

thrown off these covers!

(groaning)

He would have pulled himself up!

(screaming)

He would have pulled
his twisted knees over

and stood himself up on his own two casts!

(groaning)

That's the Dr. Clayton
Forrester that I know.

But, oh, that posture, here.

(cracking)

There, okay let's have
at it, let's go, come on.

(moaning)

- Oh, man, I can hardly stand to watch!

- Yeah, I know, his
posture is really terrible!

The worst! Woo!

- Yeah, poor Frank's got his work

cut out for him, that's for sure!

- We'll be right back, his
posture's too, I didn't mean.

(upbeat instrumental music)

- He didn't say anything.

Nothing happened, you've got it all wrong.

- We just made out for awhile.

You were wonderful.

- Never before has the
screen been so electrified.

- You were wonderful.

- We lead a rich life.

- That kind of money's
worth joining up for.

- They give you a thousand bucks to join,

and a thousand bucks when it's over.

- That's at least a thousand bucks.

- Maybe it won't be over.

- Oh, you deep Tony, real deep.

- Once we get that money in our hands,

we'll grab a long freight train.

- Cherokee Jack, hey wait,

we didn't finish reading the sign!

- US Air needs to update a bit.

- Suddenly it's the
best years of our lives.

- Buddy Hackett!

- There'll be a five
hour delay in our movie

so please stand by.

We'll have the mechanics
take a look at it.

In the meanwhile, we'll have to ask you

to board another movie.

- He did it again, you'd think
they'd be on to him by now.

(humming)

- Another Hollywood pretty boy.

Take a long second and
get used to this face.

- Cherokee Jack.

- Yeah, I'm Cherokee Jack.

Do you know where they train
men to fight down in Cuba?

- Yeah, I know where they train.

- How much to ferry us
to the training camp?

- $15 dollars each.

- We'll (mumbles) as long
as you get us to the camp.

- You going with the guy?

- I'm Cherokee Jack.

Oh no, you ran over my dog!

- $35 dollars.

- $12,0000.

- $35 dollars?

- That's the best I can do boys.

- Well, that's not too
bad, I'll buy our friend.

- I'll tell you what I'll do boys.

You give me the truck,
I'll fly the three of you.

- Alright Cherokee, when can we leave?

- Tonight.

- I'm Cherokee Jack.

- Speedy the plane!

- Coleman Francis makes
a terrific stewardess.

- Well the close ups really save on sex.

- Weren't they just flying?

- Mind if we pick up my flight instructor,

I've got a few lessons left?

- Just think, the tape
deck alone was worth $35,

just makes me mad.

- We're just gonna roll there right?

(humming)

Look, the soccer team!

- If you need any help--

- Just press the stewardess button.

- Our friend here can fly.

(thunder rumbling)

- Mind if I smoke? Thanks, good.

- You're sitting on my hand.

(thunder rumbling)

- It's really coming down huh?

Wait a minute, it's beautiful!

- Mom, they're landing in our yard!

- You've flown all the way

from New Mexico to New Mexico.

- I can't handle the truth!

- Oh, they're here!

I hope he's here to brief us on the movie.

- I brought you some white men Joe.

- Good, we can use them.

- Okay men, follow me.

- I'm Cherokee Jack.

- Well men, I'll fill
you in on who you are,

where you came from, and why you're here.

- Some of the hottest
hinders in Hollywood.

- Well, the bears are
acting up so be careful,

and keep your campfire small.

- Gentlemen, we shall
shove off in 24 hours

and in compliance with formalities.

- That was an official thing I just did.

- Here's the lunch menu,
just check off what you want.

Boy, they got a real cricket problem.

- Sign your name.

- What for?

- For headquarters to
make out your checks.

- Is a X okay?

- We get cash, Cherokee said--

- Sign your names please.

- Hey, quit relocating.

- Boy look at him, he's guarding
the hell out of that place.

Yes, earth shelter housing

is the choice for guerrilla groups.

Remember guys, no girls
allowed in our fort.

- My name's Chastain?

- Justine?

- Where you fellas from?

- Up north.

- Do you know Bob?

- Let's get something to eat.

- See you around.

- I think I really drew them out.

♫ You can take Salem out of the country

but ding you can't take
the country out of Salem ♫

Ah, my first good shower in a month.

- Can you sponge my back Steve?

- I would never want
to go in after Coleman.

Ah, how long you gonna take in there?

- Perhaps the logical
spot Sergeant Chastain.

- Sergeant Justine, I want you
to call me Lietenant Vivian.

- We'll hit the beach here.

- You smell great sir.

- And we'll come in under cover of night.

- Those two.

- You're right, I'm sorry.

- How much help can we expect from them?

- I don't know.

- I think we're being watched
by a Winslow Homer painting.

- They're broke, probably
hiding from the law.

Who knows, but they are coming with us.

How much help, I don't know.

Jose will drop the ropes here.

- 'Cause it's Cuba, alive with pleasure.

- Ah, they're filming in
someone's basement apartment.

- Do you guys think that
Justine guy is cute?

- Must be a railroad highway
somewhere around here.

I do five years to get that
Cherokee throat in my hands.

Nothin' I hate more than a liar.

- Don't worry we'll get out of here.

- Well I feel better just
talking about it, thanks guys.

- Our otter ladies and gentlemen.

- Buddy, you up?

(upbeat instrumental music)

(knocking)

- Turndown service!

- Come in Justine.

- Hour after hour of
heart pounding small talk.

- So you guys wanna mess around

and overthrow Cuba or something?

- Nice evening.

- What can we do for you?

- Well, it's sorta lonely, isn't it.

Thought I could use some civilization.

Arizona maybe.

- Arizona huh, around (mumbles).

How'd you get caught in that?

- My grandparents live in
Cuba, the sugar cane estate.

- Now it's NutraSweet milk.

- I figure they have a right to it.

- You get your first money, cash.

- This one is on me.

- What does that mean?

- What does that mean?

- I'm gonna try and help my grandparents

get their mill back.

Sounds sorta foolish doesn't it?

- Nice plywood guitar.

- Guess I'm a dreamer.

My wife Ruby says I'm a dreamer.

They financed me four years of college.

Figure I owe 'em somethin'.

- But enough of that!

- I know, this is the Gomer
Pyle exhibit at Filmways Land.

- Ole metal Curly.

- I always wanted money.

- But I settled for looks.

- A lot of money.

- If we stick together,
maybe we can get money.

Somewhere.

- Where does the pillow
end and his face begin?

- The boy's back in the
joint could see me now.

- Coleman hogged all the
best lines for himself.

- Full of fifers and peasants and Cubans.

(laughing)

- I had to finish smoking before
I could find that amusing.

- How did you get out, you
never told us much about that?

- Drain pipe, dug up some dirt.

- Shut up everyone, he's gonna tell

the dirt in the drainpipe story, shh.

- I waited three long months.

- Seems like I read about a farmer once.

They called him the
Cotton King of the South.

- This film dares you to watch it.

- He sold a lot of cotton one day,

that night he sent his trucks
in and stole it right back.

Set them up for a long stretch.

Seems like a thousand years ago.

Wife spent all the money
and become a street walker.

Every newspaper in the
south had a picture of her.

- That's a weird stain.

It's my incessant droning isn't it?

That's it.

- There, now can we get some sleep?

- I'm just in a bad mood,
I'm sorry, so sorry.

- May I finish my story?

I think you're supposed to
strangle me 'til I'm dead.

- This is gonna be hard to ignore fella.

- We've got the gravel pit 'til noon

and then the sandinistas are scheduled.

(humming)

Hey, Van Cliburn (laughing).

They're at bus driver training.

- Castro doesn't stand a chance.

- Okay, what we wanna do here
is, hey, where you going?

Do you really need to practice jumping?

- Alright, I'm sittin' on
a spike, you can't move me.

- It's the shining path fantasy camp.

Les Steckel begins training camp.

(humming)

(grunting)

- I don't wanna be covert anymore.

- We do more before noon than
most people do before ten.

- That was very good Jimmy.

- Yeah, very good Jimmy.

- It was nice of Mrs. Mimbock
to let them use her backyard.

- If you're gonna make it, now's the time.

- You'll hide out and then shove off.

- You shove off!

Coleman's think tank.

- Just make a run for it.

- Well, make a jog for it anyway.

- Halt!

- And they're highly
detailed plan falls apart.

Ah, the revolution is highly underfunded.

- Let Jimmy try his luck.

- Hey, where Tom Arnold lives now.

- Oh they got caught, and now their force

will just hang out somewhere.

- Come on treat your Daddy
right, I need a pair of shoes.

- And a hat and a purse.

Yahtzee!

(humming)

Hey, it's Fee Waybill!

- You boys wanna play
some gallopin' dominoes?

You wanna shoot some dice?

- Maybe play some freeze tag.

- I see, perhaps I'll ask again later, ow.

- Men, I want you to study
this picture my son drew.

- Men we're shoving off
right after sundown.

- You shove off!

- I wanted to give you
some idea what to expect.

- There's 80,000 of them and seven of us.

- 12 o'clock midnight, we hit the beach.

At 12:30 a patrol boat
makes it's nightly run.

We have 30 minutes to scale

80-foot cliffs and clear the beach.

- Dad, you take Havana.

- We fight if we have to.

Our job is to tear down telephone lines,

destroy all forms of
communication, ammo dumps.

We have a man in Cuba that'll throw ropes

over the cliff at 12 midnight.

- At 12:15 we're captured.

- We must not get caught on the beach.

- Especially with my thighs.

- The invasion force will follow us.

They should be there at
daybreak, any questions?

- Yeah, are your bunkmates
supposed to strangle you?

- Okay men, that's it.

Start getting your gear ready.

- Gear?

- Be ready to shove off
right after sundown.

- You shove off!

- Careful with those cigars.

It's the ghost brigade.

(humming)

- Wow, what an awesome sight.

(upbeat instrumental music)

♫ A kiss on the hand may
be quite continental ♫

- Ah, Mike, what are you doing?

- Oh, I'm sorry, ah, Mike's
not here, I'm Carol Channing.

Be glad to bring a message
to this uh, Mike, was it?

- Oh I see, this movie
must've really gotten to ya.

Poor sap, well it's just sensational

that you're Carol Channing!

(laughing)

- What are you doing? Hey, stop that!

As Carol Channing, I must
say that is very annoying!

- Ah, we better check
on Frank and Dr. F, eh?

- Yeah.

- Yeah well, you do whatever you want.

I'm lunching with Angela Lansbury.

- Ah.

(laughing)

- Happy talk. talk about good things.

Oh hi, well I guess it's
pretty inevitable now.

Basically it's a waiting
game at this point.

I've decided not to employ
any radical procedures.

- Water!

- Sorry Clay, it's pretty hopeless.

Been going through your mail, though.

Oh, look at this it's a
card from Leo Bascalia!

"Hope you die, you rotten bast," oh well.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

- [Voiceover] Hello, Frank?

- It's Jimmy Carter! Yes, Mr. President.

- [Voiceover] Is he dead yet?

- I'll let you know
just as soon as he dies.

- [Voiceover] You do that, Frank.

- Yes, sir. Just as soon...

- [Voiceover] You call
me, you call me, hear?

- Okay, bye bye now.

- [Voiceover] Bye-bye,
Frank, bye-bye. Bye, Frank.

- That was nice, and look
what Mother Teresa sent us!

Oh, you know it's true,

one life touches so many others.

- These aren't even his shoes!

- What the? Whoa!

- Oh! Movie sign!

- No!

- That way! That way!

(laughing) You okay honey?

♫ Ah, the shores of Albuquerque ♫

- Oh, this is the Cuba border.

- Yes, that's really Castro.

- Good evening Mr. Dewey Brother.

- That's Castro you know.

- It's either Castro or Stuart Margolin.

- My foreshins are getting muddy!

- Hey hey with the monkeys!

- Massive invasion force storms the beach.

- Actually filmed on the moon.

- You know there are steps
right over by the snack bar.

- Ow, my army slacks are too tight.

- Was it a good idea to invade

the Bay of Pigs again so
soon after the last time?

- Maybe 25 minutes of
training wasn't enough.

Oh, I feel tingly (laughing).

- Oh, you get the bunny cliff.

- I had to follow the stinky guy.

- You kids, quit invading us there!

- Well, we just went up this
rope but once more can't hurt.

- This movie has the courage
to unabashedly repeat itself.

There's the nerdy guy
who's gonna get killed.

- The Moundsview Junior
High School production

of the Guns of Navarone.

It's the battle of the network star.

- Once all seven of them are into place,

the invasion really begins.

- I'm guessing that job at Denny's

doesn't seem so bad now does it?

- Coleman, I think you sat in ice cream.

- Only (mumbles) could've
planned this invasion better.

♫ Chuckles and muscles alive alive oh ♫

- Get real beard.

- It's a leg!

- It's (mumbles)!

- The A Team.

- Ah, Castro lives above a hardware store.

- Unfortunately Cuba has
only eight guys in it.

- Damn leftist guerrilla drivers!

- There's way more Cuba,
I though we were done!

- Wow, can you imagine being Castro

and seeing that force swarming up at you?

- He's a tactical genius, that
come here gesture, brilliant!

- By some dreadful miscalculation,

they've taken over the
old course at St. Andrews.

- Are we there yet?

- I'm hungry, my feet hurt.

- I have to go potty!

- Just ten more minutes boys,
then it's time for dinner.

- We approach County Road
B with extreme caution.

- This is smart, they're running
right up Castro's driveway.

- Castro's out rakin' leaves.

- This movie helped people work through

their feelings about the Bay of Pigs.

- And thus the Battle
of Door County raged on.

(humming)

- Pretty sure you're dead.

- They just lost 1/3 of their force.

- Things look okay, actually maybe

Cuba doesn't need a revolution.

- He's practically beggin' to be fragged.

Stickers, ow.

- We fought for control
of the toboggan run.

- Hey no fair, I slipped!

- Keep it down, I'm
tryin' to read in here.

- No Coleman, don't take off your pants!

Get me some toilet paper.

- The Yankees would pay
highly for you Senor Francis.

(snoring)

- Tragically, he was only
looking for sand dollars.

- Hey, Commies are cute.

♫ I'm trained to drop a Jeep off ♫

- Obviously you don't know who

you've captured here, Coleman Francis.

- Hi, I'm here to relieve Dev.

- Laura Petrie revolutionary.

- She's the activities
director for the revolution.

- This place ain't so bad.

- They captured the Frito
Bandito, he's Cuban.

- It's a four-star prison.

- Recommended by best leftists.

- Oh that Patty Hearst is at it again.

- For the sex shot let's focus
on me with my legs splayed

and my enormous package spread out.

- Your lives haven't changed at all.

- I say no, it's not pine
tar, it's tobacco juice.

- Do you have to sit so
close, we got the whole cell.

Hey Tony, you bring the book of questions?

- Shin bone's cuttin' through my sock.

- I don't think the phrase
ugly American is unfair,

how 'bout you?

- Say would you mind
covering up your leg again?

- It's Mel Blanc.

- I can never sleep during revolutions.

- I'm just glad Coleman's
not wearing a skirt.

- Sticky stank reduction.

- Honey, put your knees together, please.

We're just gonna go peak in on the girls.

No, I shouldn't.

- We better run away,
the oceans' chasing us!

- I am a Cuban, and
this is my Cuban infant.

I am a Cuban looking for
Cuban safety here in Cuba.

- Bay of Pigs.

- That's what they say when I go swimming.

- I just can't get worked up for this war.

- I mean you couldn't lose money

on a Bay of Pigs film at this time.

The country was Bay of Pigs crazy.

- I'm with you brother,
Bay of Pigs, right on.

- John Carradine is
really good in this film.

- Hey, it's Justine,
or Jeanine, or Jordan,

or whatever the hell his name is.

- I'm trying to die over here.

(slurping)

- I think he's coming in here
but I can't tell for sure.

Oh no, he's almost in here I think,

this may be so terrifying.

- Nelson Eddy!

- It's Joe.

- Yes, it's Joe.

- The loons Norman, listen to the loons.

- Yeah, you don't have
to plant roses that deep.

- The longest house in Cuba,
thought you'd be interested.

- The bridges of Madison Cuba.

- Now don't run away,
that would be unfair.

- Hey, you're gonna shoot me!

It's Nixon.

- Just wait 'til Edie hears about this!

- His face was tempered by.

- Fire!

- Thanks, now I'm dying and
I have paint on my face.

- I've heard of this Cuban paint throwing.

- Never know who's next.

- That's what I love
about this crazy place.

- I'll go.

- One, two, Padre Gonzalez.

- The Cubans in this movie sound

like they're grownups on Peanuts.

Wah wah wah wah.

- Okay.

- We're shell shocked.

I'll give you eight bucks for it.

- You seen this women, goes
by Mary, aka the Virgin.

- En el nombre de Padre, de
Espirito, de Santo, Amen.

- Thanks for playing our game today.

- I've never seen Curly so down.

- [Priest] Vamos.

- Arthur Dimmesdale.

- Quit stalling and get executed, come on.

- Oh God, that seems finally over.

- Say, I need to order a
low salt, low fat last meal.

If that's not a problem.

- You want the paint in
your face, that's optional.

- This a bad time to ask for a cuba libre?

- Oh this hangnail,
ever had one like that?

- My last smoke is a menthol, yuck!

- Yeah, well I suppose huh.

- I wonder who they're
plannin' on shootin'?

- Menthos.

- Viva Cuba!

- [Voiceover] Fire!

- [Crow] Pull.
(gunshots firing)

- He seems okay with this.

- Missed me, missed me,
now you have to kiss me.

- So the rest of the movies is just

watching 'em all get shot one by one.

- You may enjoy it.

- You know Coleman Francis would
make really lumpy mattress.

Not that I would have one.

- Please get me a doctor.

- George Takei.

- No doctor comin' here.

You'll have to sweat it out.

- Managed care at it's best.

- Oh for the love of Pete.

- Peek a boo, who's in
there, who's in there?

- This looks delicious.

Here, let Coleman kiss it.

- The tender touch of Coleman Francis.

- He won't last 24 hours.

- Now I've seen torn
pants like that before.

- Coleman was pre-med.

- Doctor didn't get to him in time.

- Somebody, get me some water.

- I'm dyin' in a rush.

- I don't know much about executions

but maybe they could shoot two at a time?

- Another two guys went on break,

I'm gonna solo on this one.

- They actually made it a
fairly challenging shot.

- You look very delicate.

(gunshots firing)

- Oh, that's great.

(laughing)

Bye.

Curious George goes to Cuba.

- Hey that's the guy who just got shot!

- Hey, we're next he butted.

- Must be midnight.

- We're gonna let it all hang down.

- They change guards at midnight.

- And they do light gardening at midnight.

- This is getting to be a drag guys.

- Will somebody get me some water?

- They shot a man at the Mexican border.

- Go to the window, ask the guard

if the wounded man can have some water.

- I think it'll be funny

- If they give you some,

then we have a chance to make a break.

- He won't give us none.

They know we're all starving for water.

- Tell the guard he's got
a fever, go on try it.

- Oh and take your time.

- Guard!

- It's me Margaret.

- Water! Man's got a fever.

- He's got hoggy fever.

- Just a cupful.

- Wow, they've got a south
facing cell, that's nice.

I don't have any water, I've
got a wonderful bully in here.

- I know I just got
killed, I get that a lot.

- I hate these prisons where
you gotta ask for water.

Why don't they just bring it to the table?

- It's not without it's charm.

- Well hey, this has
little marshmallows in it.

- Did it come out of a magician's kit?

It's bottomless.

- Hey, he's double dipping!

- Thanks guys, the backwash really helps.

- I just gotta look in the girls' cabin!

No, have to control
myself, control, be strong.

- Their water plan really went wrong.

- After they change guard,
one guard will be out front.

The other one walks around the hut

and the guard out front is alone.

- Nope, nothing's sinking in.

- Ask him for water.

- It's gotta work this time.

- Castro looks like Tolusa Track.

- Why'd they bring Diane Folsom?

Ah, Fidel has to go potty behind a tree.

- We've got to move out now.

He's here again.

- The extra free pass
when they captured us,

can you handle one of those planes.

- I can handle it.

- I was in skydivers you know.

- Cook.

- That's the county--

- Ask the guard for some water.

- The movie lapped itself.

- I'll be at the window,
make him move in close.

- Oh I know you.

- So I can get my hands on him.

I'll snap his neck.

- You don't wanna wait
for the guard change?

- We got to make it now.

- But that's two, maybe three miles.

- You have to give me time to check.

We need to plan (mumbles).

- Take me with you!

- It's about that time.

- That ranch I told you about,

it's got a mountain of pitch blend.

- They're practically giving it away.

- Uranium, tungsten, diamonds maybe.

- Now look, you've got a busted
leg and we can't carry you.

- I'll handle with you.

- I'll carry myself.

- What kind of a cock and post are you?

- I'm a bad boy.

- There's riches on my mountain.

- The tension mounts.

- The house is worth thousands.

- Maybe even hundreds.

- I know it sounds crazy

- But would you choke me again?

- But I believe him.

- What you talkin' about Willis?

- Let's go to Arizona.

- I was just beginning
to enjoy New Mexico/Cuba.

- Check the window.

- And ask the guard for
some water, what the heck.

- He's gonna do it, he's
gonna check the window!

- Look at that big ol' hair

grease stain they're leaving there.

- Is the film grainy or are
these guys just kinda grainy?

- Water! Thirsty! Sick man!

- Things you say to a
guard, things in a prison!

- Pass.

- Pass.

- I don't think he's gonna buy it.

Ask him again.

- Come on, improvise a little.

- Water! Thirsty! Sick man!

- Things you get from a tap,

things you play with your grandpa,

things to do with, move on please!

- Water.

(grunting)

- Oh please, I'm not a huggy person.

- He's dead already so it's a lot easier.

- Ah, the jumping training pays off.

I stand corrected.

- They escape from Green Acres.

(shouting)

- I mean allons y, zuter ah, wait.

- Oh, it's daytime now.

- Wow they ran into ye old mining town.

(gunshots firing0

- Water, thirsty, sick man.

- It's night time again, and day.

(humming)

- The (mumbles) will be over that.

- The Bronco Nagurski gang.

(whistling)

- Join me and Che Guevara as
we go huntin' mercenaries.

(upbeat instrumental music)

♫ Hello mother

♫ Father ♫

- Yup I'm Cuban.

- Huh, I mean hey?

- Je suis (mumbles).

- Today's guard wears stylish flares.

- Actionlessness.

- That wasn't that close huh?

- That one's okay, I'm not
wild about the interior.

I'd turn everything on, radio, lights.

- Good thing they escaped
into the Cuban Aircraft Expo.

- Peanuts aren't important, just take one!

- Fortune and pitch blind
is riding on this scene.

- I'm gonna put my wig on,
see if that helps anything.

(laughing)

- D for drive, F must mean fly.

- Let's go.

- He's using Coleman's slipstream.

- Please, I'm in enough trouble already!

Buzzy Thurston is the fugitive.

- Hey Mo, Mo.

Go with the camera, leave Mo.

- Helping?

- No, not at all.

But I look cute.

- All those white walls really kinda

screw up the camouflage huh?

(coughing)

- You know I still like this
movie better than Havana.

- Oh yeah.

(grunting)

- Come on you guys, my boss
is gonna be really mad!

(gunshots firing)

Alright!

- Pull, pull, pull.

(gunshots firing)

- Just ignore them, rise above it.

- Boy that was close, they made it though.

- Next we visit lovely Bush Gardens.

- In some parts of Cuba it was a nice day.

- Stay out of the roads
and keep your eyes open.

- If you see anything
film it, we'll put it in.

- Coleman, are we still
in a plane in Cuba?

- It's all an elaborate plane
to find a nice picnic spot.

- We should have tried
to take over Gillies

or Grand Cayman, would've been
easier for the first time.

- So that's tungsten,
thought it would be cooler.

Little dog poopie there.

- Under the spreading Coleman Francis.

- It says Viva frogs' legs.

- Oh man, don't tempt me.

- Is that the lunch
wall or the dinner wall?

- I am the dark specter of food.

I sensed there was mail.

- Rival frog leg place over there?

- Great, the Wall Street Journal.

- Gave myself a snuggie there.

- Frog legs, give me some!

I gotta get me a mechanical bull.

- Location, location, location.

- Just look at that curb appeal.

- You think I'm dressed for it?

My name is Death, I'll be your waiter.

- What can I do for ya boys?

- You have any catfish?

- Coffee.

- Coffee comin' up.

- Ah coffee, a Coleman Francis motif.

- The kitchen guy just died sorry.

- My father was a can opener
and my mother was a wood duck.

- Pie doesn't make you
want to kill yourself,

you want some?

- Who's playing that piano?

- That's my daughter.

- She's we'd to the Devil.

- She's been blind since her
husband got killed in the war.

- Makes sense.

We got an omelet called
Supercalifragilisexpialidocius.

- [Diner Owner] Doctors have
done everything for her.

- Tried glasses?

- [Diner Owner] Spent all of my money.

- Sure, we're gonna put her down.

= [Diner Owner] Since
that freeway went away,

lost all my business.

I guess it's not much use trying.

May as well pull up and pull out.

- But I have my health
and my spirits are high.

- We have a wonderful
Octoberfest frog leg.

(suspenseful instrumental music)

- Sitting in on chifferobe (laughing)

- You see they're just jealous,

he was showin' off his daughter

and his ritzy restaurant and all.

- Surprisingly quick out
of the blocks this fellow.

- Can you slow down, speed up.

- You and your swank restaurant
and your chechi frog legs.

- Suppose you boys'll
be wanting your check.

- I'm gonna have to ask you to
leave if this continues, ow.

- Apple's Way is
different than I remember.

- Now where in Cuba do
you suppose they are?

Not the frog mine, no!

I kinda like it, set me up boys.

(screaming)

- There, now we have the
rest of the day to ourselves.

- The legendary singing Buick.

How are they gonna get
the car down the well?

- Check that junk box, see if it'll run.

- I just keep thinkin'
of those tasty frog legs.

- Ah, famous home of the
famous steak a la Weismeyer.

- The lure of the siren.

- I hardly endorse
throwing her down the well.

- Look, Tab Hunter lives here.

- You know, the freeway
may not be the problem.

- We're gonna get the,
we're gonna get that wig!

- Oh hi, Miss Channing, what's new?

- Oh, I'm not Carol Channing.

- Oh, thank goodness, Mike!

You must be feeling a little bit--

- I'm T-Bone Burnett.

- Uh-huh.

- That's not right either, hold on.

I'm Vickie Lawrence!

- Eh.

- Oh, then again, maybe I should just

go lie down for awhile.

- That's a great idea honey, you lie down.

It's the movie, don't worry, okay?

It'll be just fine.

- We better check on his nibs.

- Oh yeah, right.

♫ It's a marshmallow world in the winter ♫

- Oh, those are my pants!

Quigley Down Under, help me! Help!

- There, there Dr. F, there.

Well Mike, it's not looking good.

I'm afraid we may be at the end.

- Frank?

- Yes.

- Frank?

- Yes, Dr. F.

- Frank?

- I'm right here, Dr. F.

- Frank?

- What?

- Frank?

- Yes, Dr. F?

- Frank!

- What!

- Frank, I'm going down a long hallway.

There's a figure at the
end beckoning to me.

- Well, don't you think you
oughta go to him then, Doctor?

- Frank, there's something
I've always wanted to tell you.

- Look, let's not make a
big production out of this.

There's a guy down at
the end of the hallway

waiting for you, okay?

- Yes, he's tapping his foot
and looking at his watch.

- Well, don't you think you
ought to go to him then?

- Frank?

- Yes?

- This is it. I'm dead!

- And it is done,

Doctor Clayton--

- No wait, I'm alive.

No, I'm dead.

No, yes, no.

Now I'm dead.

Wait, I'm still alive.

No, I'm dead.

Wait, I can't die, I've
got too much to live for!

I've got my good friend Frank!

I've got things, things
that I've gotta do!

I gotta live and laugh and love and live

and embrace the world, I wanna live!

Oh Joe, hi!

(grunting)

(upbeat instrumental music)

Ah, hurt, ah!

- It still hurts.

- Too bad about those frog legs.

- Pull over, get that top up.

- Coleman, you brat.

- Chinese fire drill.

- So, the frog legs
are real good huh guys?

- It's the cinema verite to the ultimate.

Your everyday annoyances
should not be filmed.

- Hey guys, I'm gonna
change the tape 'kay?

'Kay, 'kay, 'kay?

- You get this top off I'm gonna

drive back to Cuba and
do it right this time.

- Spend on that cliff, Wiesmeyers.

- Thanks, that helps, I was gettin' cold.

- Ooh, there's that new overpass
I was telling you about.

- So the Cuban stuff's just a digression.

Now the movie can really begin.

Remember when everyone started
dressing like these guys?

- Excuse me is this the
Night Train to Mundo Fine?

Tracks, two, three days old.

- They stumbled into
the end of Maude squad.

(humming)

♫ Night train to Mundo Fine

♫ Hey hey hey yeah ♫

- They gonna let the air
out of the tires (laughing).

- The train's movin' out.

Come on, we have to climb in.

Come on Cook, let's go.

- What was wrong with the car,

you had a perfectly good car?

- All this to get to the hobo gathering.

- [Griffin] Come up top Cook, come on.

- I bet they're gonna pistol
whip Thomas the Tank Engine.

- This train's bound
for glory, this train.

- Shaft did it better.

- I think the club car's up this way.

- Boy this movie doesn't let up, wow.

- The train riding sequence
was omitted for clarity.

- I see this as a bed and
breakfast, can you see it?

- We need transportation.

- I'm gonna open a Claire's boutique.

- Landis, give me the ring.

- That's my Archie fan club ring!

- I can't give you this ring.

My Dad gave it to me.

- I don't care if Moses gave it to you.

Give me the ring.

- You're not gonna get it.

(laughing)

- Oh, that's a gun he pulled out.

- Ah, my neck got broken in that jump cut.

See the movie has finally
thrown up it's hands

and said, "I just don't know."

- I wanna hurt this movie
but I can never hurt it

the way it hurt me.

- Did they even need to go to Cuba?

- Well, I was lucky to pick
up one of these rebuilt girls.

- Candy, take the groceries in the house.

- What house?

- The blue Chevy.

My prize alternator, Yellow Ribbiticus.

- I think the location scout was a spaz.

- Hey, it's Dominic and Eugene and Curly.

- Can build my own artificial hip.

- Can I help you fellas?

- Got something cheap?

- I have a nail I can sell ya.

- You mean it? Oh Coleman, I'm touched.

- Worth a few bucks.

- What's the hole in it for?

- What do you got to leave me now?

- It's pretty.

(humming)

- I'm gonna look at it all
day, it's shiny and stuff.

- Now God, please say The End, please!

- And now a trip to Uncle Bob's farm.

- Okay, okay, what plots need resolving?

- Well, there's the guy in the well.

- They gotta do something about Cuba.

- Another cheery Coleman
Francis character.

(laughing)

- The Master says you can't stay here.

- I understand they did 70
takes of the window scene.

- We now return to In
Cold Blood, the series.

- No, uh uh, don't bring your movie here,

no get out, go!

- Now it becomes a
lighthearted domestic comedy.

- Wanna buy a candy to
send kids like us to Cuba?

- Are you Mrs. Chastain?

- Yes.

- We're friends of your husband.

- My husband is Amanda Pierce.

- You know Bailey?

- Sure, I put my face in his wound.

- We was with him in Cuba.

- Please, come in.

- And, we're in.

- Oh, my dinner party
isn't going very well.

I knew you wouldn't
mind if I wore my teddy.

- I didn't want him to go, not really.

- Why did you go?

- Well, he had ideas.

- Had ideas?

- He was headstrong to say the least.

- Headstrong (chewing).

- Well, his grandparents
meant a lot to him.

- His green pants meant a lot to him?

- He felt he owed them for
helping him through college.

- That's why we have a picture
of Gene Pitney on the mantle.

- As I did my husband.

- More coffee?

- As I said, he was alive but I'm afraid

our friend Bailey's dead.

- Yeah, it's a real tragedy.

Anyway, pass the salt there will ya?

- To think that I was once Betty Boop.

- Nobody told me to move out.

Live in town 'til he returned.

- And then come back here
'til he leaves again.

- But this is my home.

- I live under the sink.

- It's been lonely here.

- His face a mask of sensitivity.

- But I couldn't leave.

I wanted a nice home in town once.

- Well, there's no use lettin' that stuff

up in the hills go to waste.

- Good point, whoever said that.

- I don't know how much
we owe on our place.

- Three or four dollars.

- I'd be willing to divide with you,

if there's something worth dividing.

- Have any idea where the mine is located?

- Up in the mountains,
I was up there once.

- Someone give me the sauce!

- Maybe he won't come back.

- Will you move back into town then?

- I never knew I would miss him so.

- Much.

- You never know how
much you miss somebody

'til they leave you.

- I wanted to bring Bailey
home, he couldn't make it.

- Turns out he's a natural
at grief counseling.

- If there's something up on that mountain

worth having, we'll find it.

- Oh great, you have any
more Tuna Helper ma'am?

- We'll have to take plenty of water,

food, got a couple of shovels in the back.

- Anything else we may need?

- Underpants.

- There's a geiger counter here someplace.

- We'll check on that tomorrow.

- May as well get some rest,
you men must be worn out.

I'll get some quilts for you.

- It looks a lot like Cuba
out here but just ignore that.

I get the lawn chair next time!

- I think my life is
finally coming together.

- Morning and Coleman just go together.

- The one who looks like Curly is so cute.

- Hey, mind if we sunbathe nude?

(upbeat instrumental music)

(rooster crowing)

- It's morning in Purgatory!

- Mrs. Chastain, you
sure cook fine vittles.

♫ Everybody's having fun and smoking

♫ And the dogs are eating too ♫

- I feel good.

♫ Robbing people killing people

♫ Hopping trains is fun ♫

I betcha he smells like
(mumbles) jockstrap.

- This is the last of the cat, enjoy.

♫ It's lovely for a sleigh
ride together with you ♫

What a huge, huge face!

- I gotta pick up some wax worms.

♫ Sleigh bells ringing ♫

I tell you if my mood picks up anymore,

I might not even kill myself.

- Are the pigs' knuckles
on the shelf all you have?

- Want a video?

We've got some super
violent Asian XXX cartoons.

- That'll be $5.05.

♫ Outside the snow was falling ♫

- There's a coupon for free
tanning on your receipt.

Well, thanks for not killing
me, right neighborly of you.

- Okay Coleman we got
Cheetos but we're not

opening them until later, understood?

- You get my lactate pills?

- So you can see that
with the proper planning

you can make your car
trip happy and successful.

- I like being on a stakeout with you Max.

Even when it's bright
it's dark in this movie.

- Steve?

- Yeah.

- Who are we?

The gay high school Secret Service.

- I better contact Kelley.

- Do whatever you want,
I gotta go to class.

- Kelley?

This is Steve, we spotted the fugitives.

- See.

- Right Kelley.

- I talked to Kelley.

- Can't you just smell the tungsten?

- And they managed to find
another beautiful location.

- Have you guys ever read

The Total Filmmaker by Coleman Francis.

- Anybody wanna do some
peyote and fly over canyons?

- Is that the mountain?

- [Mrs. Chastain] That's the mountain.

- [Voiceover] Kelley, this is Tensley.

Sheriff has a 'copter
waiting at the airport.

- Okay, meet me at the
airport in 10 minutes.

- Kelley commands such
loyalty from his men.

- Okay.

- Well that was a cul-de-sac, wasn't it?

- It's West world now.

- Jim Baker.

- Jolly Bob.

- Hope you guys don't mind,

I dressed like an old time sheriff.

- We had to crawl in the volunteer

filmmaker's squad to end the movie.

- Helicopters will be here waiting.

- Fine, ready Tensley?

- I think so.

- Okay, let's go.

- So when does somebody
run all the way to hell?

- Ho, ho, ho, now step
back and think guys.

Are we all gonna fit in here?

Idiots.

- I'm Kelley I get a helicopter.

I'm Kelley, I rule everybody.

- Can I ride with you Tensley.

- Yeah, okay, sure.

- I think this is taking place in Mordor.

- How I long for Cuba.

- I just wanted to get out
and look at the car again.

- I can't get enough of
them opening the hood.

- Killed in Vietnam.

- Here lick this.

- We're out of oil.

- Here, let me squeeze
some outta my pants pocket.

- We better go back.

- Oh, but we just got here.

Tour no go back.

- Coleman, now count to 10.

- So they're not in Cuba anymore right?

Nothing's happening so fast.

- Maybe now would be a good time

to put my hands on my knees and rotate.

(laughing)

- Oh, I wish I were less impulsive.

- Still goin' legit though!

- Scotty, beam us up.

- A wild Curly can hit 30
miles an hour when threatened.

- Well, it looks like we caught
us two of the Tungsten trio.

- Somewhere behind that tree,
there's a scene happening.

- Please do not reveal
the incredible secret

of Red Zone Cuba.

- Oops, sorry.

No camping here ma'am.

- I killed a cute wittle wabbit.

- Why is Phil Silvers rounding up corpses?

- Just don't slam the tailgate too hard.

The Gene Groupie Van pulls into town!

The wherever this is PD.

- Janet Reno's moving in to end the film.

- Woodstock Three draws a slim crowd.

- A male Curly can run
for hours on little water.

- This is a really stupid
use of a split screen.

- Native beaters are used
to flush out the Curly.

- Oh look up there at
Smelly Kelley in his heli.

We're just as good a you Kelley.

- Well, I see she bought
more lawn ornaments.

- Got a load of wife for ya.

- They shouldn't have skimped
on their privacy fence.

- They hate ankles.

- Great job on the Bay of Pigs honey.

- She's a little awkward to carry.

You got a two-wheeler in the garage?

- Ow.

And when Curly dies in the wild,

he provides food for other Curlys.

- That was him wasn't it?

- The cast of how to succeed
in business moves in.

The young, fresh fellows.

- Hard to love a character for so long

and see him come to such an end.

- Mother of Mercy, is
this the end of Curly?

- Hey, he's got donuts in his pockets.

- Griffin ran all the way to hell

with a penny and a broken cigarette.

- Which is all you really need in hell

so it works out great.

- Huzzah, it's gone.

- I thought they
portrayed 1961 quite well.

- Not too hard since they made it in '65.

(groaning)

- You know, aside from the fact that I'll

never again experience joy in my life,

I don't think Red Zone Cuba had any kind

of negative effect on me.

- Yeah, even being Carol
Channing didn't shield me

from the effects of this one.

- Yeah.

- Well hey, I know what we
can do to cheer ourselves up!

- What?

- Let's sing us a bouncy
upbeat song, okay?

- Yeah! Okay!

- That's a great idea!

- Hit it, Cambot (laughing)!

Yay!

♫ Oh, whenever I want to cry and bawl

♫ Because I'm feeling sad

♫ Yeah

♫ I think of ironing boards and drywall

♫ And then I don't feel so bad.

♫ Whenever I'm feeling down and blue

♫ And sorry for myself

♫ Oh

♫ I get some staples and some glue

♫ and I'm happy as an elf

♫ Whenever I start to mope and pout

♫ And there's nothing left in my soul

♫ I check the toilet
paper and if we're out

♫ I buy another roll

♫ Have you ever touched a Post-It Note

♫ Have you ever looked at boots

♫ Have you ever sat down in a chair

♫ Have you ever used a paper clip

♫ So if you listen to our advice

♫ And you wanna feel terrific

♫ Do things that make you feel nice

♫ I wish we could be more specific ♫

(groaning)

(dramatic instrumental music)