Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 7, Episode 17 - The Sword and the Dragon - full transcript

♫ In the not too distance future

♫ Way down in Deep 13

♫ Dr. Forester and TV's Frank

♫ Were hatching an evil scheme

♫ They hired a temp by the name of Mike

♫ Just a regular Joe they didn't like

♫ Their experiment needed a good test case

♫ So they conked him on the noggin

♫ And they shot him into space

- [Mike] Let me out!

♫ We'll send him cheesy movies

♫ The worst we can find

♫ La-la-la

♫ He'll have to sit and watch them all

♫ And we'll monitor his mind

♫ La-la-la

♫ Now keep in mind Mike can't control

♫ Where the movies begin or end

♫ La-la-la

♫ He'll try to keep his sanity

♫ With the help of his robot friends

♫ Robot roll call

♫ Cambot

♫ Gypsy

♫ Tom Servo

♫ Crow

♫ If you're wonderin' how

♫ He eats and breathes

♫ And other science facts

♫ La-la-la

♫ Just repeat to yourself it's just a show

♫ I should really just relax

♫ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♫

(metal clanging, beeping)

I can't make it through
the trilogies myself.

Hi, everyone.

Mike Nelson here.

Crow T. Robot and I have finally agreed

to play Dungeons and
Dragons with Tom Servo.

Frankly, I can't work up

a lot of enthusiasm.
- [Servo] Quiet, fool!

The dungeon-master has arrived.

Welcome, both of you, to my
fantasy role-playing group.

Have you selected your characters?

- I can't, character.
- [Mike] Uh, no.

- I didn't have a.
(Mike mumbling)

- Silence!

Pick a character from this,
The Middle Earth Chrestomathy.

- [Mike] Okay.

I'll be Delmar the Elfin King.

- [Servo] Ah.

- Yeah, me too.

Uh, Delmar the Elfin King.

- [Servo] No, no.

I command that you are Gorlob,

dwarf prince of Valdar.

- All righty.

Then I'm Gorlob, dwarf prince--

- [Servo] You are both walking

on a Tramidifalian foot bridge

when you run across a
fourth-level Bellrog.

What do you do?

- I really don't know.

- [Servo] Quickly grab
your wand, you fool!

Grab your wand!

- I'm grabbing my wand.

I don't know.

Is it helping?

- [Servo] No, no, no.

Use fireballs, you idiots!

Fireballs, no.

Too late, you are both devoured.

- [Crow] Oh, well, live
and learn. (sighing)

- [Mike] Oh, you know what?

The Bellrog cast a spell of Zorton

on you, my friend.
(Servo gasping)

- [Servo] Not Zorton!

No, not Zorton!

(sobbing) No, no, no, no!

- We'll be right back.

- [Servo] I must take my own life.

- Ah, that's gonna happen, I guess.

That gets us out of a game.

(Servo singing, Mike chuckling)

(MST3K theme music)

(Servo sobbing)

- I'm sorry, Servo.

But, enough is a enough.

- Oh, but I was about the enter

a deep level of Planet Varhaaar.

- Servo, you've entered a
deep level of (bluberring).

- Hey, Rivendell and Mordor are calling

- Those are places.

- Oh, sorry.

- Clay, have you seen my X-Men number 354?

- Frank, you're breaking my concentration.

I wanna get all my back
issues of Starlog organized

in time to tape tonight's
episode of Tekwars.

- Tekwars is on.

That's right.
(doorbell ringing)

- I wonder who that could be.

- That's right, I forgot
all about Tekwars.

(Frank muttering)

- Hi! (giggles)

I'm Bridget and this is my friend Mary Jo.

We just moved in upstairs to Deep 12.

We're neighbors!

- Aaaagh!

Clay!

There are girls here!

Actual girls!

(Clay stammering)

- Don't panic.

Um, there should be some
instructions on what to do.

Yeah, somewhere.

- Well, uh, we've introduced ourselves.

Who are you?

- Uh, I have lots of comic
books. (laughs nervously)

I keep them in plastic bags.

- Oh, yeah. (chuckling)

- We haven't seen the laundry room.

Do you know where it is?

- Are we on a date?

'Cause it's okay if we're on a date.

Frank and I have been on lots of dates.

Frank?
- [Frank] Lotsa dates, yeah.

Yeah.

Babylon 5 was on last night.

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, which it was.

(Clay and Bridger laughing nervously)

Well, I.

- Mike.

You've gotta help us.

We're on a date down here.

Could you, uh, provide us with
some kind of entertainment?

- Hi. (laughing nervously)

- It just so happens

I've written a topical satirical revue

that we call

- [All] Supercalifragilisticexpiali-wacky!

(Crow laughing maniacally)

- [Servo] Let's go, let's go!

- [Mike] I'm all set.

(all mumbling in distance)

♫ I'm the government

♫ I'm the government

♫ I'm filled with bloats and perks

♫ I'm the government

♫ I'm the government

♫ I'm the reason nothing works ♫

- Boy, I tell you, it's not
easy being the working man,

but at least I've earned
an honest day's wage,

and I can--

- Thank you.

- Hey!

♫ I'm the crime bill

♫ Bang, bang

♫ I'm the crime bill

♫ Bang, bang

♫ I get shot at every day

♫ I'm the crime bill

♫ Bang, bang

♫ I'm the crime bill

♫ Bang, bang

♫ I'm opposed by the NRA

♫ Bang, bang ♫

(Crow sputtering)

- Hello, Mr. Senator.

My daddy's out of work,

and he says that it's
because of the deficit.

So, I saved some money in my piggy bank,

and I'm going to give it to
you to lower the deficit.

If an eight-year-old kid can save money,

how come the government can't?

♫ Honk, honk

♫ Beep, beep

♫ Government gridlock

♫ Honk, honk

♫ Beep, beep

♫ Government gridlock

♫ There's a traffic jam at
the Congress intersection

♫ But the light is red

♫ Unless there's an election

♫ Government sure can get tacky

♫ It's Supercalifragilisticexpiali-wacky ♫

(laughter and applause,
Bridget exclaiming)

- That's a funny one.

That was a stitch!

- Is nothing safe from you guys?

- (coughing) Uh, well, Mike.

Your movie this week is called
The Sword and the Dragon.

We won't be watching it because, uh,

we're on a date.

- (yawning) Yeah, we're on a.

- Would you pass me the Punisher?

- Better double-bag this.

♫ I'm the foreign policy blues

♫ Hey ♫
(buzzing)

- [Mike] Movie sign!

- [Servo] What about improv?

(metal clanging, water dripping, beeping)

(exciting music, Crow humming)

- [Servo] Joseph Harris, here.

Sig Shore.

- [Crow] Present!

- [Servo] Can you imagine

pullin' one of them things into the boat?

Whew!

(Crow chuckling)

- [Crow] Ah, the international
symbol for no dragons.

(Crow chuckling, humming)

- [Mike] When one sword tries to get along

with an incoragible dragon.

(Crow gulping)

- [Voiceover] Many, many years ago,

there was a far away land

on the other side of the world.

- [Servo] The Catskills.

- [Voiceover] A land
richly-endowed by nature.

- [Mike] Wow!

(Crow gulping)

- [Voiceover] A land of golden lakes,

rolling lakes, and fertile soil.

But, hovering over this once happy land

like an evil cloud.

- [Crow] George Clinton!

- [Voiceover] Was the
face of a ruthless enemy.

- [Mike] I said no cameras!

- Kalin, chief of
thundering tribe of Tougars.

- [Crow] At your Lincoln-Mercury dealer.

- Who ravaged the land.

- [Servo] South Central (mumbles).

- They pillaged and burned its cities.

- [Mike] King Friday's kingdom.

- [Voiceover] Leaving
desolation and despair

in their terrible path.

- [Crow] And bad editing in their wake.

(Servo chuckling)

- [Voiceover] Across a breadth

of the countyrside once peaceful

the hordes of Kalin savage Tougars rode

killing, burning, ravishing.--

- [Servo] Itching, flaking.

- [Voiceover] With brutality
unmatched in history.

- [Mike] Coming soon
to a theater near you.

- [Voiceover] Our story
begins in a quiet village

in this besieged land.

- [Crow] Made out of toothpicks!

- [Voiceover] A village
which lives in constant fear

of Kalin and his invaders.

- [Servo] So, move!

- [Mike] Man, she's a fox.
(dramatic music)

- [Crow] Take a picture, why don'tcha?

- [Servo] (sighing) The
perv is looking at me again.

- [Mike] Don't look,
you'll only encourage him.

- God has given him the body of a warrior.

- His legs are useless and
he cannot move a single step.

(bells chiming, distant shouting)

- [Man] The Tougars are coming!

- [Servo] Zowies!

- [Man] The Tougars!

- [Servo] Oh, they spent a
lot of money on a fortress,

but no gate!

(Crow chuckling)

- [Crow] Man, this movie is already

50 times more expensive

than all the movies
we've seen put together!

- [Servo] The chores!

Come on, honey.

There you go.

- [Crow] Hey, no one
invited me to the pillaging.

- Hey, you be cursed, murdering scum!

- [Crow] Go girl.

Right on, woman!

(exciting music)

(maniacal laughter)

- She will make quite a tasty
dish to take to our chief.

- [Crow] I'm not that tasty.

I'm mostly grizzle!

- There's a caravan! (mumbles)

(shouting, clamoring)

- [Servo] Hey, watch the hands.

Don't get fresh.

(women screaming)

- [Mike] Let Pat Carroll go, you beast.

(women screaming)

- [Servo] Dan Haggerty!

- These hands I cannot lift to help them.

- [Mike] I bowled last
night and I'm pretty stiff.

(exciting music)

- [Crow] Wagons east!

(Servo mumbling)

- [Servo] Hey, the caterers are here!

(Servo singing)

- [Crow] This is not the shortcut!

(crashing)

Dr. Who!

(horses whinnying)

At long last, our nation says
no to renaissance festivals.

Finn ropin' here at the Mongol rodeo.

- Spare me, I beg you!

- [Soldier] Come closer,
my blubbering one,

and let me take a look at you.

You seem to be well-fed.

You're heavy enough.

- [Man] Oh, please spare me, sire.

I'll do anything you wish, anything.

- [Crow] Wash my car.

And pick up Tina from piano lessons.

- Swear you'll serve me.
(man moaning)

- [Man] Yes, sire.

I will, I will.

You can have anything I own.

Here, see this?

- [Crow] A finger towel, great!

(soldier laughing maniacally)

- [Mike] And here's a soap sliver.

Please spare my life.

- Listen well, son of misery.

- [Servo] You know my dad?

- Send this to us

as a signal to Chief Kalin

that the prince's soldiers
have left the city.

I shall await your signal
at the river in seven moons.

Now, hear me,

oh miserable one.
- [Crow] Danny Kaye!

- If you fail us.

If you deceive us, you
shall die like a dog!

(Crow emulating dog yelping)

(sad music)

- [Voiceover] This was a
time of giants and dragons.

- [Mike] And low inflation.

- [Voiceover] When brave and fearless men

rose up to perform mighty deeds

against the forces of evil.

- [Servo] I'm Mike Wallace.

- [Voiceover] Mightiest
of all was Invincor,

mighty defender of the righteous.

- [Crow] And a nice guy.

- [Voiceover] Who raised his magic sword

across the breadth of the land,

to smite the enemies of the just.

- [Mike] Riding Lori Barbero.

- [Voiceover] After many years,

when Invincor had grown weary with age,

his tasks were done.

- [Servo] He was given a
farewell banquet and a small TV.

- [Voiceover] As he traveled far and wide,

o ye wandering pilgrims.

- [Servo] Uh, boss.

- [Voiceover] Think of the young man.

- [Servo] Hey, boss.

- [Voiceover] Stout of
heart, strong of arm,

and brave of spirit.

- [Crow] And taut of buttocks.

- [Voiceover] And when you
find such a man, give him this.

My magic sword to defend
our land and our people

from all manner of enemies.

- [Servo] And get the
five bucks he owes me.

- [Voiceover] His last deed done,

Invincor turned to stone,

to become part of a legend

that would live for all time.

- [Mike] How many prologues
does this movie need?

(Servo chuckling, dramatic music)

- [Crow] Then they harvested
the charcoal briquettes.

- [Servo] Oi, farmers
really need the rain, huh?

(Mike chuckling)

- [Crow] The heat is blowing up my skirt.

- [Mike] Woo.

- [Crow] Ow.

Ow, ow, ow.

Ow.

- [Crow] At least I saved this stick.

- I'm thirsty.

- [Servo] What's your poison?

- Patience, my son.

- [Servo] Wow.

I'm thirsty, I'm thirsty.

Next I supposed you'll
want something to eat.

I've never had anything to
drink and I've done just fine!

- [Crow] Ah, good, they
reached the ranger station.

- [Traveler] Good morrow
to thee, stranger.

We are weary travelers.

What is thy name?

- [Stranger] I am Ilya
Murometz, son of Theodore.

- [Servo] You pay at the first window.

- [Traveler] Could you
bring us some water?

- [Ilya] Glad would I be to serve you,

but I cannot move from this chair.

Come into my house and drink your fill.

- Thank you!

Come.

- [Crow] I should warn
you, I'm just a torso.

- [Servo] Jellystone Park.

- [Mike] He's got a poster of Sun Ra.

(Servo chuckling)

- Greetings to thee, Ilya.

- [Crow] Yeah, yeah.

Could you bring me a magazine?

- I know you gentle pilgrims

have traveled far and wide.

- [Servo] Member, FDIC.

- Tell me of the evils

that have befallen our troubled country

in these days of darkness.

- Our poor and troubled land

is plunged into woe deep as the sea.

Those cursed Tougars
plunder, rob, and kill.

- If only I had my strength back.

I could help defend my
country in her hour of need.

- [Crow] But I've been classified 4-F.

I could beat this guy up!

- Drink the dew of the magic grass, Ilya,

and perhaps thy strength will return.

- [Mike] Here's some Haley's M-O.

- Thank you, my son.

- [Traveler] Drink this, young man.

Drink hearty and pray.

- [Servo] Please, sir, could I have more?

- [Crow] Ilya likes carrots, doesn't he?

- Dost thou feel

the strength returning
to thy veins yet, Ilya?

- [Crow] I'm less thirsty.

- Yes, yes, I can.

- [Servo] Coppin' a buzz.

- But.

- [Servo] The walls are moving.

(Ilya groaning)

- I still cannot move.

- Patience, my Ilya.

Thy strength shall indeed
return, I promise thee.

- [Mike] Uh, hold on,
I'm havin' a montage.

- [Crow] It's the line for Wild Mountain!

(dramatic music)

- [Servo] Oh, that was one high colonic.

Yes, sir, I feel like a new man!

- [Crow] Let's get you back
to your room, Mr. Torkelson.

- [Mike] I'll take these.

I'll just wear them outta the store.

- [Servo] I feel good all under.

First thing, I take off the burlap dress.

(uplifting music)

- [Mike] And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the Swedish Moses of soul!

- [Servo] Aw, hey, who left all my tools

laying around in the front yard?

- [Mike] I'm feeling
positively demonstrative.

I could almost tell my wife I love her!

- [Crow] Oh, I need to
sit down for a while,

believe it or not.

- Take thou the magic sword of Invincor,

and be though like them.

- [Servo] We don't wanna carry it anymore.

(dramatic music)

This is the best-tasting sword ever!

- Thank you, good friends.

(MST3K theme music)

I sold the sword and
bought some Finnish vodka.

- [Mike] Yep, pretty much.

- Ah, how my hands yearn to
feel the good, rich earth,

and the honest toil of
the farmer once again.

- [Crow] Go ahead and grab a plow then!

- [Ilya] Work the fields of with father.

- [Servo] I thought he was the father.

- [Mike] It's a good crop of stumps.

(Servo chuckling)

(crashing)

- [Crow] Da, hold on, I'll get the Bobcat.

- [Servo] Wow.

Uh, we want that.

- [Ilya] Root up the tree stumps.

- [Mike] ♫ And we'll have
a tree stump of fun ♫

(Ilya grunting, mumbling)

- [Crow] I'll see how many
times I can skip this!

(crashing)

- [Servo] Sure, go ahead,

use the fjord for your garbage dump, Ilya.

- Hard as stone,

thou has been no earth of my father's.

- [Mike] Grandpa, no.

- Soft as the down of the
swan will though become.

- The mighty falcon lifts his wings

and is ready to fly again.

- Our son is like a man reborn.

- With strong hands, shall
help work our fields.

- [Crow] The banjo
becomes angry at midnight.

What the hell are you talking about!

- Forgive me, dear mother.

- [Servo] I overreacted.

- But I cannot till the land.

Or reap its riches.

Kalin and his plunderers
aim their deadly arrows

at the heart of our country
at this very moment.

- [Mike] Oh, well.

- I cannot remain here
while our country suffers.

- [Crow] So you're coppin' out again!

- [Ilya] Give me your
blessing, dear parents.

- [Crow] You want the car, don'tcha?

- [Ilya] Now I must go forth.

- What you tell us lies
heavy on my heart, my son.

- [Ilya] I go because I must, Mother.

My country needs me.

- I give you my blessing, Ilya, my son.

Go in peace.

- [Mike] Why are you older than me, son?

- Guard against evil, my son.

And help your fellow man.

- [Servo] But not Murray.

- [Ilya] I shall remember
your wishes always, Mother.

- [Crow] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

You're in the wrong myth!

- You will need a strong horse.

I would like to give you mine, Ilya.

His name is Chestnut Gray.

- [Mike] Oh, that's okay, I'll walk.

(horse neighing)

- Do not concern yourself
over his small size.

Bathe him three times in dew,

and he will grow until he becomes

the mightiest of all the
steeds you have ever known.

- [Servo] Jeez, I'm running late as it is.

(serene music)

- [Crow] Well, let's
get you far enough away

where they won't hear the gunshot.

- [Mike] No!

- [Ilya] Grow, Chestnut Gray.

Grow.

- [Crow] Isn't he supposed to

bathe him in Mountain Dew or (mumbles).

- [Ilya] Be thou as fleet
of foot as the deer.

- [Servo] Buy bonds
where you work or bank.

- [Ilya] Swim rivers
faster than the salmon.

Streak across the ground
swifter than the wolf,

higher than the falcon
winging through the sky.

- [Mike] Longer than there've
been fishes in the ocean.

- [Servo] Hmm?

- [Ilya] When a stranger
calls, hear him not.

But when you hear my voice.

- [Servo] Run!

- Come swiftly like the wind.

- [Crow] Anything else, your highness?

- [Ilya] We shall be friends unto death.

In deed and in battle.

- [Mike] Oh-ho, I don't do battle.

- [Ilya] Good Chestnut Gray.

- [Servo] Look, I got an
offer from Calumet Farms.

- [Ilya] Serve me well, noble steed.

- [Mike] He is a lonely, lonely man.

- [Crow] Connery. Snipes.
(serene music)

- [Servo] Daily affirmations.

- [Mike] The Duluth Chamber
of Commerce bids you adieu.

- [Crow] And wherever Ilya went,

he carried his pool cue.

- [Servo] Aw, Jeez.

Cast it right into the weeds.

(Mike sniffling)

- [Servo] Nevermore!
(crow cawing)

- [Voiceover] Follow the right road,

and you will find riches!

- [Voiceover] Follow the left road,

and you will find a wife.

- [Voiceover] Go straight ahead,

and you will find death.

- [Crow] Chestnut Gray,
quit doin' your impressions.

- [Ilya] Riches would give me little joy.

- [Servo] But I'll take 'em anyway.

- [Ilya] Now is not time to woo me a wife.

- [Servo] But I'll take one anyway.

- [Ilya] So, I shall follow
the road that leads to death.

- [Crow] I might not get to death tonight.

I may spend the night at serious injury,

and head over to permanent
disability in the mornin'.

- [Mike] ♫ No, I don't wanna fall ♫

(Mike mumbling)

- [Servo] Chen, round up
every Finn on the island.

(Servo chuckling)

- [Crow] Thou shalt seek shelter

in the southwest corner of thy basement.

(crow cawing)

- [Mike] Where are the ROUSs?

- [Crow] Oh, this is downtown death.

(crow cawing)

- [Servo] Woo-woo!

- [Crow] This movie has a
real View-Master quality.

(Servo emulating movie's sound effects)

- [Mike] Uh, why did
Invincor like this job?

(horse neighing)

- Go straight ahead and
you will find death!

- [Servo] Aagh!
- [Crow] Ooh.

- [Mike] Euw.

Maybe he has a good personality.

(shrill sound effect, wind whirring)

- [Crow] Whoa, blech, Dorito breath.

(foreboding music)

- [Servo] Dizzy Gillespie-esque.

- [Mike] Oh, that's always nice.

Just blow the leaves
into the neighbors' yard.

- [Crow] Couldn't the wind just cry, Mary?

(wind whirring, branches snapping)

- Do not fear this wind demon!

- [Crow] You know, sometimes I wake up,

and I feel like this guy looks.

- [Servo] Ooh.

- [Ilya] It cannot harm
you, Chestnut Gray!

- [Servo] Yeah, sure, let's
go down the road to death.

Fine.

What the hell was I thinkin'?

(shrill sound effect, wind whirring)

- [Mike] Chesnut Gray is like
the Chevy Suburban of horses.

(crashing)

(Crow laughing)

- [Servo] Oh, sure, yeah.

Lucky shot.

(exciting music)

- [Servo] I can explain everything, heh.

- Looks like a fat owl, this one,

and yet he cries rivers of tears.

- [Crow] I'm a wind demon.

It's my job!

- I shall take you to my prince,

and he will decide what to do with you.

- [Mike] Okay, let me put on my good fur.

- [Prince] Princes, nobles, and warriors,

here I sit with you in judgment,

and here with you do I hold court.

If there be any wrongdoers,

let them be brought
before us for judgment.

- [Crow] Bring up Al D'Amato.

- [Servo] I like having court outside.

- This villain must be
punished, good prince.

He tore my mare's tail off!

You must find a suitable punishment,

for what he has done is a bad thing!

- It is bad.

- He has also stolen the royal timber!

- He must be a villain.

- Yes, sire.

- [Servo] Kris Kristofferson!

- It is true that I did this things.

But I had a very good reason, sire.

He loaned me his horse, but not harness,

so I tied the wagon to the horse's tail.

(crowd laughing)

That's how it happened, sire.

- [Crow] It's the Finnish
version of Night Court!

- He should be sent to prison!

He must be punished!

- This is our verdict.

- [Mike] I'll allow the DNA.

- You, Vargarren.

Give him your horse to
ride through the forest

until her tail shall grow back again.

This is our judgment.

- [Vargarren] Justice,
Regent Prince, justice!!

- [Crow] Get up, you brown-noser.

- And remember, young man,

you must return the horse to
Vargarren in good condition.

- [Crow] And enter drug rehab.

- Yes, sire.

I swear it.

- [Mike] It's kingdom of Robert Borks.

- [Man] Radiant Prince!

Durbar, the mighty warrior,

has returned to the palace!

- [Servo] Uh, he's the artist

formerly known as Radiant Prince.

- Summon all the nobles for a great feast.

And see that all these
people are fed well.

(crowd cheering)

- [Servo] I need a veggie meal!

- [Mike] Can I bring my cousin?

- [Crow] I'm lactose intolerant.

- [Servo] Can I have the money instead?

- [Crow] But I don't like food.

- The noble prince invites you all

to the feast at the palace!

(metal clanging, beeping)

(clock ticking)

- Once, on the shore of
The Great Northern Sea,

two men stood alone on a pier.

(water rushing, wind whirring)

- Sven?

(water rushing, wind whirring)

- Yah, Olie?

(water rushing, wind whirring)

(foghorn bellowing)

- There came into me a thought.

(water rushing, gulls squawking)

- Yah?

(water rushing, dog barking)

- I will count the boards of this pier.

(water rushing, wind whirring)

- Yah?

- And you.

- Yah?

(water rushing)

- You will count the
slits between the boards.

(water rushing)

- You, da boards.

And, I,

da slits.

- Yah.

(water rushing, gulls squawking)

- (gasping) Begin.

(water rushing, wind whirring)

- One.

- One.

- Two.

- Two.

- Tree.

- Tree.

- Four.

- Four.

- Five.

- Five.

- Six.

- Six. Aaaagh!

(splashing)

- And so you see...

When you're out of slits,

you're out of pier.

(water rushing, dog barking)

(crowd singing)

- [Crow] It may be the wine,
Lars, but you're a pretty men.

- [Servo] Sven, no, don't.

You mustn't.

- [Mike] Who's the new guy?

- [Servo] We'll be showing
the Vikes-Packers game

in just a few minutes, everyone.

- [Ilya] Excuse me, good people.

- [Servo] Where's the men's room?

- [Ilya] Which among you is Prince Vanda?

- Why do you ask for the prince?

A bumpkin like you belongs there,

at the foot of the
table with the peasants.

- [Feast Guest] You are too
harsh with this stranger, Alexi.

Let him be heard.

Perhaps he brings important news.

- [Crow] Yeah, like where
the best buffets are.

- [Ilya] I came here not
to feast, good nobles,

but to serve my prince and my country.

- And I say you're not fit

to sit at the same table with a noble!

- [Servo] Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah.

- You a noble?

More likely you joust with
milkmaids behind the barn.

(feast guests laughing)

- [Crow] I'm not gay!

(feast guests laughing)

He's the Finnish Oscar Wilde.

- Make way for the noble Mekhai,

bearing rare and costly
gifts for our prince.

- Good health and
greetings, Radiant Prince.

- [Mike] Look, I don't
book openers anymore.

- I have collected all taxes and tributes.

I was sorely wounded in battle,

but I rounded them all.

All your enemies!

- [Servo] Anyways, here's
some o'the stuff we got.

- Dear prince, for you
alone, I would do it again.

I would gladly lay down my life--

- [Crow] For a hamburger today.

- Prince, I bested the mighty Sartag,

for you I would gladly give my life.

- [Mike] No.

No lick!

- So say we all, every one of us.

- The wind demon attacked me,

and I cut him to ribbons
in the enchanted forest.

- He lies, my prince.

- [Servo] I saw him wet
them on the field of honor.

- I know that he has not even
set eyes on the wind demon.

- [Prince] Who are you, good stranger?

And where do you come from?

- I am Ilya Murometz.

I am from Muldova.

My father has a small
farm there near the river.

- [Crow] Oh, oops, dropped a cuff link.

- And have you yourself
seen the wind demon?

- I will show him to you.

- [Servo] Say hello to the nice people,

wind demon.
- [Ilya] Here is the evil one.

Not very big, but he's
as mean as he looks.

- [Prince] I've never seen such a monster.

Command him to whistle as loud as he can.

- [Princess] Can he
really create the wind?

- [Ilya] That he can do.

But do not let him frighten you.

- [Crow] Do you eat lunch?

- Wait, Alicia.

Please, do not run away.

- [Mike] Wang Chung with me.

- Someone will see us here.

- I do not care, as
long as we're together.

- My brothers say I'm too
young to be wooed, Alexi.

- I cannot live without you.
- [Crow] Statutory woo.

- You belong to me, Alicia.

(gasping, swooning)

- [Servo] Oh, Captain Spaulding!

- Now whistle, you ugly wind demon,

but only with half of your strength.

- [Mike] Clint Howard!

(Servo grunting and sputtering)

- Now whistle, even one, hmmm?

- [Servo] You know how
to whistle, don't you?

(inhaling, shrill sound
effect, wind whirring)

- [Crow] Oh, yuck!

He was eating crackers!

- [Servo] ♫ The summer wind demon

♫ Came blowin' in

♫ Roll up the barrells ♫

(all three laughing)

- [Crow] Clean up's a
breeze, thanks to wind demon!

- Alicia!

- [Mike] Wacky sight gaga
of ancient Finlandia.

(woman shuddering)

- [Servo] Mrs. Brittenhouse!

- [Crow] Man, I'm killin' tonight!

- [Mike] The wind hooked me to a cable!

- [Servo] ♫ Everyone knows it's windy ♫

- [Crow] Oh.

- [Mike] The wind demon
has killed a lotta people,

but it's all in good fun.

(all three chuckling)

- Stop him, Ilya, make him stop!

- Stop him before he blows us away.

- Stop, we've seen enough.

Make him stop.

- Hold your breath, spawn of the devil.

You have performed your last evil deed.

- [Crow] Hey, you asked me!

- No more chill them
with your blasts of wind.

- This country bumpkin is

quite a fellow, I say.
- [Mike] Yes.

Jolly good, old man.

- [Crow] Oh, yuck, he's in the spittoon.

- [Mike] That was pretty good.

Can he scat?

- [Prince] Take this, Ilya,

as a reward for your service.

As for this demon, his
reward will match his deeds.

- [Servo] Put him in my private chambers.

(demon hissing)

- [Crow] I gotta blow, ha-ha-ha!

- [Alexi] You are a man
after my own heart, Ilya.

- [Mike] Wanna start a band?

- [Servo] And so, ZZ Top was born.

- Take no offense of Alexi.

He has a quick temper,

but he is a brave and courageous soldier.

Let us be friends.

- [Crow] I'm Bob from marketing.

(triumphant music)

- [Ilya] We shall be friends.

(Servo emulating buzzer)

- Friends to the end, Ilya.

Your steed beside my own.

- Now let us make a pledge.

We shall be as brothers, the three of us.

The younger brother shall heed the elder,

and together we shall venture forth.

- Together, in good and in bad, we three.

- All for one and one for all.

This must be our way.

Our country we shall defend
with our lives if we must.

- Bravo, Ilya Morometz!

- [Crowd] Bravo, Ilya Morometz!

- Put on the armor of a noble, Ilya.

You have earned it.

I thank you, prince.

- Bad tidings, o prince.

Kalin's envoys have
arrived at the city gates.

- [Crow] We got a great big envoy.

- [Servo] Pavarotti tour is in town.

(triumphant music, cheering)

- [Mike] Close the buffet.

- [Servo] Wah-wah-wah.

- [Mike] He's gonna blow!

- Greet them with bread and salt.

Those swine who laid waste our land!

I would rather greet them with arms,

than with bread and salt, sire.

- Those are very cold words, Ilya.

Would you teach me how to rule?

First, we shall hear this envoy.

Then we shall decide what course to take.

- [Mike] All right.

If that's how you wanna do it.

(evocative music)

- [Servo] Sounds like
the stripper's on next.

- [Crow] Somebody get me a
bucket, I'm gonna fro up.

- I come as an envoy from
the mighty Chief Kalin.

It is his will that you shall
pay him taxes and tributes.

For 12 years you must
pay these tributes to us,

else we will invade your
land and empty your coffers.

- [Mike] Damn liberals.

- [Prince] Eat and drink your fill.

We shall pay what you ask.

We shall do it--

- [Servo] Here's your appetizer, sir.

(crashing)

- Kalin's envoy are not to be
bribed with bread and salt.

- To send such a dolt as
an envoy is an insult.

- Does he not look like
a great fat ox to you?

- Who dares speaks thus to Kalin's envoy?

I would strike him down
as soon as look at him.

Guard your tongue or I'll cut it off.

- You come here with words of war.

Therefore, we answer in kind.

And we are prepared.

- Resistance is useless.

I will make you bow to our mighty

chief Kalin.
- [Ilya] The words

of your boasting shall die in your throat,

envoy of Kalin.

- I've heard enough!

Your head should be the first I chop off!

(swooshing, clang, crashing)

- [Mike] Oh, it's a
Matt Groening gargoyle.

- By your own sword, dog,

you shall die!

(swooshing)

Kalin!

- [Crow] Oh, right in the love handle!

- [Servo] Jake and Fatman is
different than I remember.

- [Mike] Jake and the Fatman.

(women screaming)

- [Servo] Woo.

- [Mike] Uh, anyone know
why we're retreating?

- Run, cursed dogs!

Run back to your master, Kalin!

- [Crow] Yeah, babies!

- The same fate awaits anyone he sends us!

Tell him we will fight!

We will pay no tribute!

(crowd cheering)

- [Servo] Our buffets are safe again.

Woo, woo!

- Come wash your hands, o noble soldier.

- [Crow] They're filthy.

- He is indeed a mighty warrior.

As mighty as Durbar.

- And as courageous as Alexei is.

- His strength exceeds that of Invincor.

- For your gallantry,

I will forge for you a coat of armor

finer than the prince's own coat of gold.

- [Mike] Yeah, sure you will.

- Take this lance.

It was forged for a mighty warrior.

- [Crow] He never claimed it.

- I thank you all, good people.

- [Mike] I'm outta here.

- I shall try to be worthy of your trust.

- [Servo] The royal pants!

- Make way for the prince!

- [Crow] Fabulous, the prince!

(triumphant music)

- [Mike] Woo, it's warmer than
I thought it was out here.

- For your service to our people.

- [Servo] It's dry clean only.

- All hail Ilya Morometz.

(crowd cheering)

(all three grunting)

- [Servo] We need lighter heroes.

- [Crow] Oh, once again, I'm not invited.

Finland is so cliquey.

- I must act quickly.

I must get rid of this new hero.

Or else, I will have to answer for myself,

to Kalin and his terrible
band of cutthroats.

- [Servo] Thanks for the aside.

(MST3K theme music)

- And here is your share.

All of this.

All the gold for you, here.

(maniacal laughter)

And now for my share.

- [Servo] Microsoft stock. (chuckling)

- I will take what is left,

the captive maid

who stands there waiting anxiously for me.

(maniacal laughter)

- [Soldier 1] Let me have her

and you can have all my silver!

- [Soldier 2] You can have all my gold.

- Not so fast!

- [Servo] Ooh.

- You shall not have her, nor you.

I will take the captive
maid to Chief Kalin.

- [Servo] Yo.

- He is sure to give me half a kingdom

for this prize beauty.

- [Servo] Exit, stage left.

- It will never be,
you plundering thieves!

- [Crow] Gypsies and tramps!

- [Ilya] She will be set free!

To go home to her parents.

- [Mike] Uh, I'm tryin' to sleep.

- Fear not, little one.

They shall harm you no longer.

I shall release you.

Nothing on this earth.

- [Servo] Just let me say goodbye to Glok.

- Not even a Tougar would
keep you from me ever again.

- The prince!

- [Crow] Look busy!

- I see you are quarreling again,

my rich and worthy nobles.

- [Mike] So just give me the remote.

- If I give you free reign,

you will tear our country
apart with your fighting.

Matthew Vardoa.

- [Crow] (sobbing) You're
gonna hit me, aren't you?

- I have work for you.

You must prepare a caravan
of furs and copper.

- [Mike] I'm dead.

- And voyage out to sea.

- Sure.

I wasn't doin' anything
for the next 10 years.

(birds chirping)

- [Servo] Song of the South!

(woman singing in foreign language)

- [Crow] Woo, Free bird!

Come back!

Woo!

(woman singing, Servo mimicking)

- [Crow] (chuckling) Ah, dinner.

- [Servo] Johnny Mercer
lyrics really make this song.

- [Mike] She did all the same
stuff at her last concert.

- [Crow] Okay, we all drop on three.

(birds chirping)

It's a living!

- [Mike] Hey, I've got a baby to deliver.

- [Servo] I'd rather be
roadkill than listen to this.

How 'bout a tip, lady?

- [Mike] Well, I gotta
go spread the plague.

Bye.

- [Servo] Ah, the magic of
Heidi, ladies and gentlemen!

(woman singing in foreign language)

- [Crow] This song
contains satonic messages!

- [Servo] Hey, Redd Foxx!

(all three chuckling)

- [Crow] Ha! Bunny Rich!

(Mike groaning, Crow chuckling)

- Still spinning and
weaving, Delia, my love?

- [Mike] What's with the oven mitts?

- It has been lonely here without you.

- I too have spent many years
of loneliness, my dear wife.

But that is all behind me now.

I am lonely no more.

- [Servo] I got a cat.

- In our marriage,
(romantic music)

I have found true
happiness, dearest Delia.

A priceless gift.

- [Mike] Now, where the hell's my dinner?

- But what is this?

- [Servo] How much did this cost?

- This cloth.

It's woven of gold, it glitters.

- It is not a cloth.

It is a magic tablecloth.

- [Crow] Uh-huh?

- It is beautiful, indeed.

For whom did you make it?

- [Servo] Deb's wedding shower.

- For the one whom I love the best.

- [Crow] The milkman?

- Now you must rest from your
labors, my busy little wife.

- [Servo] And dost the nasty do.

All these wonders.

The earth offers it
all for us to glory in.

- [Mike] A beautiful sunset
in Branson, Missouri.

(Crow mumbling)

- [Servo] Hey, it's the Nina, the Pinta,

and Mongol-Santamaria. (chuckling)

- [Crow] (wolf-whistling) You can almost

see her hairline.
- [Ilya] Weep not,

my sweet one, weep not.

We do not part for long.

- [Mike] I know.

That's what I'm grieving about.

- I shall drive Kalin
and his wicked Tougars

from the gates of our
city once and for all.

And rid our land of those
traitors who have betraywed.

- [Servo] Okay, see ya after work.

- In this most bitter hour of our parting,

tell me, dearest one.

- [Crow] Can I have the checkbook?

- Tell me truly of your greatest wish.

- [Servo] Pudding, lots of pudding.

- Bear me a son, Delia.

A brave son.

To grow up strong and be a great warrior.

- [Crow] Merlin Olsen is no action hero.

- The falcons in the sky.

They were witness to
our love, little Delia.

- [All Three] Euwwww.

- If you should bear a son,
call him Little Falcon.

- [Servo] How 'bout Rick?

- And whenever I see a falcon.

- [Crow] Um, something.

- I shall think of my son.

- It is my greatest wish

to give you the son
you desire, my beloved.

- If you bear a son.

- [Crow] I want to know who the father is.

- Give him this ring.

It was given to me

by our prince.

- [Mike] Oh, he's gonna give
her his letter jacket, too.

- [Crow] That's enough now.

We're being too demonstrative.

- [Servo] ♫ And now, to Eden ♫

- [Voiceover] Once again,

Delia was to be separated from her love.

- [Mike] She came over last
night and we just talked.

- [Voiceover] Ilya, fearing
another attack by the Tougars,

insisted that his wife
accompany the prince's caravan

of furs and cover.
(Delia singing)

- [Mike] The Gene Simmons boat.

- [Voiceover] Delia
would be safe from harm.

- [Crow] Her singing would
keep everyone at bay.

(Delia singing in foreign language)

- [Servo] Nice autoharp.

Hey, lady, you're puttin' the mast down.

- [Mike] Wanna grab an
oar, Nana Mouskouri?

(Delia singing in foreign language)

(soldiers yelling)

- [Servo] Humph.

Boy, he can whip up a horde

faster than you can say Jack Robinson.

- [Mike] No, the other way!

Aagh.

(all three mumbling)

(soldiers yelling)

- [Man] The Tougars are coming!

- [Servo] The British are coming?

- No, save me!

They're coming!

- [Man] Turn the boat!

- [Servo] The Navy SEALs are here.

(soldiers clamoring, yelling)

- [Crow] Hi, I'm Julie,
your cruise director.

(soldier exclaiming)

- [Servo] Hey, you nicked me!

(Delia exclaiming)

- [Mike] Come to Uncle Mongol.

(Servo chuckling)

- By the gods, here she is again.

That pretty one for Kalin, ah.

(all three mumbling)

(triumphant music, cheering)

- [Servo] The Magnificent Torklesons!

- [Mike] Greetings from Rosemary Clooney.

- [Servo] ♫ Here comes a king

♫ Here comes a big number one

♫ Dum-dum-dum-dum ♫

- [Crow] Ritreck Simulated Film Snow.

Ask for it by name.
(Servo chuckling)

- [Servo] ♫ Doo-doo-doo-do-too-loo ♫

♫ We're cold, we're freezing ♫

- [Crow And Servo] ♫ We're freezing ♫

(peasants singing)

(MST3K theme music)

♫ Applesauce, balderdash and baloney

♫ Flim-flam, foodle-diddle, fodge

♫ Hogwash, hooey and horse feathers

♫ Pif-pall, pish-posh,
poppycock, pete-and-pete

♫ Ya, sure, you betcha

♫ Lutefisk, Lutheran, blatterin' bumpkin

♫ Flibbertigibbet, ooh-wee, Dwight Yoakam

♫ Oh, wang-doodle, wing-bag-weep

♫ Nickety-nack now ♫

- You guys are so weird.

- But...

But I'm a bunny.

Hop, hop. Hop.

- [Servo] Oh, give it up.

- [Crow] Hey, I'm moving, movie sign!

- [Servo] That's the most
humiliating thing I've ever done.

(metal clanging, buzzing)

(beeping)

- [Mike] Hop, hop, hop.

Dig on the this thing.

Hop, hop, hop.

- Matthew Bredova.

- [Servo] You're not
wearing that, are you?

- What is wrong?

- [Servo] I'm cold and
I'm wet and I wanna go in.

- Punish me not, o prince.

Please let me speak first.

- [Crow] Okay, now punish me.

- [Prince] Speak, then!

- We were attacked.

- [Mike] Woo-hoo!

- By a band of Tougars.

- [Crow And Mike] Wee-hee!

- [Mike] Ooh-hoo.

- They took everything.

I escaped.

After spending months in bondage.

- [Crow] That was the good part.

- [Servo] And the Snow Days
Festival was going so well.

- Ilya Morometz, ah?

- [Mike] That's Italian.

- Why was he not there to help?

- Did I not tell you, radiant prince?

- He is a fool.

He is not the sort of
man to be trusted, sire.

He should have been there to help Matthew.

- For this, I will banish
him from the court.

For three full years.

- [Crow] Throw down your hot dogs.

- If you banish Ilya,
you exile our strength.

- Fond as I am of Ilya.

- [Servo] I hate him.

- This must be done.

He goes to the dungeon
to pay for his deed.

- [Mike] Executive
producer, Steven Bochco.

- [Ilya] Greetings to you, good soldiers.

- [Mike] Hi.

- [Ilya] I see you serve our city well.

- There is little joy in our
service today I fear, Ilya.

- [Servo] I gotta work.

- Blame us not, Ilya.

The prince has given orders.

You're not to enter.

- You jest, do you not?

I have ridden here in great haste

to help rid the palace of its traitors!

- Do not let him in the palace!

- [Mike] Not with his shoes on!

- The prince's orders.

- This is your work,

o captor of the wind demon,

so brave and fearless in battle, huh?

Delia has told me the true
story, traitorous villain!

- [Servo] D'oh!

- Ilya, you're not wanted here anymore.

You have been banished.

- So, you all conspire
against me, do you, my nobles?

- [Crow] Let me just,

hold on.
- [Ilya] You will soon see

how I deal with conspirators.

- [Mike] Dig this.

(swooshing, crashing)

- [Servo] He does gutter work!

- [First Noble] I think
he should be hanged

soon as possible.

- [Second Noble] I think he
should be drawn and quartered.

- [Third Noble] Let the prince
decide what to do with him!

- If the prince wants no more of me,

then I want no more of his gifts,

you may tell him.
(Crow wolf-whistling)

- [Servo] Hmm.

- As I drag this coat in the
snow by its dangling sleeves.

- [Mike] It gets filthy.

- So I shall drag those traitors

who have plotted against me!

- [Crow] Here, and no starch!

- You nobles are ready
enough to join in at peace.

What about the Tougars, huh?

Who among you is ready
to stand up and fight

when the Tougars come?

- They are brave men, they are,

when the Tougars are far away.

- I will drive every
traitor from the palace.

I swear it!

- You act too hastily, brother warrior.

- [Servo] Hmm?

- The prince is quick of temper,
but he cools quickly too.

He has sent me to fetch you.

Come to the palace with me.

- My honor is at stake!

I'll not rest

til I've exposed these scoundrels!

(soldiers cheering)

- [Crow] He's consulting
with Black Oak Arkansas.

- Have you forgotten the
pledge we took, Ilya Morometz?

The younger brother shall heed the elder?

That was our pledge, Ilya.

- Our prince is wise and
knows whom to send here.

No one could persuade me
to go but you, Durbar.

- [Servo] Dove Bar?
(Mike chuckling)

- Come, let us go to the palace now.

- [Servo] Mmm. (smacking lips)

- [Mike] Anyway, on Melrose Place.

Oh, no more.

- Why did you draw your bow
in anger beneath my window?

- To avenge the wrong you did

in accusing me unjustly, sire.

- The arrow did not leave his bow.

- He has evil thoughts of you, o prince.

I saw him trample your coat

on the ground thusly

and threaten to do the same to you, sire.

- Yes, I heard him threaten to that--

- Yes, he did it, it's right!

- [Servo] You're outta order!

The whole damn castle's outta order!

- But I did not threaten you, my prince.

- [Man 1] He is not to be trusted, sire.

- He will stir the entire
court into mutiny, sire!

- [Crow] There's a little
matter of an unauthorized fax!

(crowd jeering in distance)

- Listen.

Already, they are rebellious.

- It is not in the streets

that treachery is planned, o my prince.

- [Mike] It's at a Chili's.

- It is right here in the
palace that it is hidden.

- Your words are empty, Ilya.

They are untrue.

- What shall we do with this traitor.

- Away with him to the dungeons.

Feed him bread and water.

- [Crow] Uh, then a salad.

Then an appetizer.

- In this way he will
learn humility and wisdom.

- Prince Vanda,

I thank you for inviting
me to feast with you.

And you too, Durbar, for
persuading me to come.

- I always believed you

to be on the side of justice, my prince.

Let Ilya go free.

- He boasted that he
would rule our country.

- The deed is done now.

Lead him away.

(men clamoring, Servo mumbling)

- [Man 2] Take him to the dungeon!

- [Mike] You know, it would be easy

to grab the wrong whiskery fat guy.

(Crow chuckling)

- If I so willed,

I could have crumbled
your palace into bits,

but I had no wish to
spoil its decorations.

The hour will come, Prince Vanda,

when you will bow to me.

- [Crow] I can be such a bitch.

- Now.

Lead me away, lackeys and schemers.

I am weary of this talk.
(dramatic music)

- [Servo] ♫ Everybody's talkin' at me

Doo-doo-do-do-doo ♫

- It is not Ilya Morometz
you have wronged,

but the country herself.

You have taken the sword from her hand.

- He speaks the truth!

We swear never to set foot in the palace.

- [Servo] Don't we?

- You have banished us as well.

- [Crow] Finland's annual
emotional outburst.

- [Servo] Uh, all for one and one for all?

Hmm, hello.

- [Mike] I'll be in my ready room.

(foreboding music)

- [Crow] Oh, I hate this thing.

It does not make me feel pretty.

- What you have done is
most unwise, my dear.

Let him go free.

Send him away to a village.

He has performed many services for

our country, dear.
- [Servo] My perky wife.

- Feed him well, mind you.

- [Mike] Spread some papers.

Give 'im a chew toy.

- He will repent.

- That country bumpkin

thinks himself higher than the prince.

He's much too proud.

He will never repent.

- Feed him well, I tell you.

Feed him well, I command it!

- [Servo] So they fed him ice
(dramatic music)

and water.

- [Crow] Oh, the ice seems safe.

Let's drive our pickup onto it.

- [Mike] Yes, Finland is a
four-season vacation paradise.

- [Servo] I always get put

right next to the ice machine. (chuckling)

- [Mike] July in Minnesota.

(all chuckling)

- [Crow] Okay, we get it.

The cycle of friggin' life.

- [Crow] I think it's a film on sex.

- Feed him well, he tells me.

- [Mike] This legend could've
used some punching up.

- [Servo] The Legend of
Boggy Creek had more depth.

- That I have not done, nor will I.

- [Mike] Just empty the chamber pot.

- He must've died of hunger.

Seven moons have passed.

I must send the signal to Sartac.

Now, swift river, you must help.

Carry my message to the Tougars

who wait this promised signal

which will be the sign to attack.

- [Servo] I love you, fish.
(splashing)

- Hey!

What are you doing up there, eh?

- Uh, oh, heaven help me.

There was someone down there.

- [Crow] Oh, oh, I'm Robin Wiliams.

Oh, oh, ho!

- [Mike] Oh, I could go my
whole life without seein' that.

(whimsical music)

- [Servo] ♫ And they call
him the streak (whistles) ♫

- [Crow] I smell fresh pants!

- [Servo] I'll make myself a
soup out of these trousers.

- Ah, this is strange.

I set a trap for a fox,

I catch a pair of breeches instead.

- [Mike] Now I am folding them.

And now I am holding this up.

- This key looks familiar.

I have seen it before.

- [Servo] Bending over now.

- Ah, this looks like trickery.

The devil is a sly one.

But I can play tricks, too.
(Mike chuckling)

- [Mike] Hey, you don't
need to convince us.

- [Crow] Wacky prop comic, Lutefisk Top!

- Whereever you like.

- [Servo] Whoa.

- Where the tide takes you.

Beyond the seven seas!

- [Servo] Yeah, this scene

sure brings the film into sharp focus.

- Joyous news, o exalted one.

- [Mike] I'm a bird, go away.

- These patching merchants
have told me of the prince.

- [Servo] Got my headphones on!

- He has thrown Morometz into a prison,

but all the nobles are deserting for home,

and refusing to fight. (chuckling)

(Crow, Mike and Servo mimicking laughter)

- You bring good news.

I'll destroy the infidel
who dares defy me.

- [Crow] It's Boris Badenov!

- Saddle the horses!

(triumphant music)

- [Mike] It's Siegfried and Roy.

- [Servo] Get that horse
outta my living room.

- The signal, we have just found it,

in the river,

he kept his word, that sly one.

This was the signal we arranged.

Once again, Kalin, I served you well.

- Let me see what you have.

- [Mike] Drop 'em.

(suctioning sound)

- He sent a pants-o-gram.

- [Crow] I ordered heather!

- By Beelzebub!

A pair of breeches!

- [Crow] These pants have
stirred something deep inside me.

- What does it signify to you?

- [Mike] It signifies
the man had a large can.

(Servo chuckling)

- They are ready to surrender to Kalin.

- [Servo] Ha.

Blossom was really funny last night.

- These breeches are a symbol

of the unconquerable might of Kalin.

- [Crow] And we'll take them in!

- Each ready to herald

the power and the glory that is Kalin.

- [Mike] I don't know what
I'm talkin' about here.

- Two roads here.

And both of them will
lead Kalin to victory.

- Yes, victory shall be ours finally.

- [Servo] Ah, the golden
age of makin' stuff up.

- The attack must be timed
according to the stars.

- You are correct.

- [Crow] Sir!

- It is not yet time to attack

until the gods of battle tell us.

We will bide our time.

- [Servo] We will wear our pants.

- Unsaddle all the horses.

- [Mike] Okay!

- [Voiceover] And while Kalin
waited for a favorable sign,

Ilya Morometz rotted in a dark dungeon,

unaware that his wife had borne the son

he so fervently wanted.

- [Servo] Oh.

- [Voiceover] And so
the months slipped by.

- [Servo] Like a pair of pants.

- You are still only a baby,

and already stronger than an oak.

- [Crow] And dumber than a hammer.

- Well, my son, grow tall and strong.

And be like your father.

- [Mike] I'm tryin'. (grunting)

Eh.

- Courage like his.

- [Servo] But I wanna watch Power Rangers.

- And strength, as well.

- [Mike] Can I get some
breakfast, or what?

- Little Falcon, my son.

This is your present from him.

- [Crow] Is my face as weird as it feels?

- [Servo] Burgers are ready!

- [Servo] Well?

- [Mike] Kiss your Aunt Bernice.

- Run along and play, little one.

- [Servo] Thanks.

What's the draw strength on this thing?

Could I take down an elk?

- Why do you not love me?

- [Mike] You look like RuPaul.

- Why do you run away?

How many times must I tell you?

I wish to keep you for my own.

- Never, I despise you!

- [Crow] He has an outie
in the middle of his head.

- [Servo] Who loves ya, baby?

- You shall never touch me, Kalin,

I swear it on my life!

What manner of man are you to force me?

- [Kalin] Kings grovel at my feet.

And so will you, my dear.

- I would sooner you throw me
into a cage of wild animals!

- [Mike] Hmm, done and done.

- You will never have me.

(Kalin laughing maniacally)

- [Crow] I do need a father, Mom.

(Delia exclaiming, thud)

- I will kill you!

- [Servo] For God and country, uh-oh.

- Ah, the little wolf cub.

He fights, huh? (laughing)

- [Mike] I got it handled, Mom.

(Delia exclaiming, sobbing)

- [Servo] What?

I'm a Mongol!

- I shall teach you how to fight.

And your enemy shall be the cursed prince.

- [Crow] Sound all right?

(dramatic music)

- [Servo] Uncle BO, can
I shoot you in the back?

(arrow wooshing, landing)

- [Crow] Ow!

- [Mike] Frampton comes alive.

(arrow swooshing, landing)

- [Servo] Ow!

Jeez.

- [Crow] I've never hit a damn thing.

It's astounding!

- You are still a boy, Little Falcon,

and already you have the
strength of a warrior.

You shall challenge our
champion to a jousting bout.

- [Mike] We'll put in on pay-per-view.

- [Kilan] Show us, Little
Falcon, whom I call my son,

how skillfully you wield a lance.

- [Crow] Michael Keaton!

- [Kilan] I know I shall be proud of you.

(triumphant music)

- [Servo] The Tower of
Gourds horn section!

- [Mike] Whatta I do with this?

(crowd cheering, opponent laughing)

- [Crow] Ha, hat's funny!

Where's he goin'?

Jerry!

That's it?

I want my money back.

- [Servo] Shouldn't there be
a dragon around pretty soon?

(triumphant music)

(maniacal laughter)

- [Mike] Whaddaya laugh?

I don't get it.

What?

- To the dungeon with this weakling.

Let him guard the captives.

(laughter)

- [Crow] Sorry, something I ate.

(horse neighing)

- [Kalin] Well done, Little Falcon.

You have earned the cap of
champion to wear as your own.

- [Servo] Now, Mongolian
stir-fry for everyone!

- The time has come to take up our arms.

We move at last.

(foreboding music)

- [Crow] Wow.

Now that is a horde.

- [Mike] This is a free festival now, man.

I wish we had the yogurt
franchise for this horde.

- [Servo] It's kind of Mingus jazzy feel.

(Servo emulating music)

- [Mike] Grow, little Mongol horde.

(crowd cheering)

- [Servo] A giant pair o'pants back there.

- [Crow] So, they walked
from China to Finland.

- [Mike] Are we goin' the right way?

- [Crow] I'm just following
you, I don't know.

- [Servo] One guy following
along with a Pooper-Scooper.

- [Mike] Sounds like a concerto
for tympani and car horn.

(Servo chuckling)

- [Crow] I'm goin' to
Helsinki to personally spear

that stump throwin' son-of-a-bitch.

- [Servo] Will the
Laurence of Arabia people

please get to their proper sets?

(exciting music)

(Servo humming)

No, keep it open!

Oh, great, our plan is ruined.

- [Soldier 1] Give us 700
carts filled with gold,

Prince Vanda, or prepare to
surrender yourself as hostage!

- [Soldier 2] Our might Chief Kalin

gives you three hours to reply!

If you refuse, your bones
will bleach in the sun!

- [Servo] It's a White
Sox pennant, I think.

- We will take your people captive

for the pleasure of our chief!

- [Prince] Give this reply to Kalin.

(Crow blowing raspberry)

- [Prince] What you have demanded,

we will pay you in three days from now.

- [Mike] We have to call
and clear it with the bank.

- [Soldier 1] You must bring your tribute

to Kalin's camp at the river!

- Well?

Which of your nobles will
you send to fight them?

Here they are.

Choose one.

(Crow, Mike, and Servo muttering)

Truly Ilya Morometz,

when he said there would
be many to feast with you,

but none to stand up for our land.

He spoke wisely.

- [Servo] Any of you
Mongols need another wife?

- Oh, if only Ilya were with us.

This Kalin would not keep us in terror.

- [Crow] A collie is
keeping them in terror.

- I shall go to him and
ask his forgiveness.

- Prince, prince!

He may be dead.

He has refused food and drink. (mumbles)

- Why have you kept this from me?

Open the dungeon!

You'll pay for this.

- [Mike] You hold a Finn by the beard,

it immobilizes him.

- Wait here, Radiant Prince.

I must run and fetch the key.

I do not have it with me.

- Is this not the key?

I believe this is the
key to the dungeon, sire.

- [Servo] We run a damn
confusing kingdom here.

(MST3K theme music)

(foreboding music)

- So, you wily scoundrel.

You starved him to death, son of misery.

- [Servo] (snoring)
Hey, I just got to sleep

after 20 years.

- [Princess] Look, he is alive, alive!

- Well, as alive as a Finn gets, anyways.

- [Prince] He is alive!

- [Servo] Yeah.

- I fed him prince, as you commanded.

- He lies, my prince.

- He is the traitor who
has plotted against you.

- [Mike] He's got bedhead.

- It was this that I came to tell you,

but I was thrown into
this dark dungeon instead.

- [Crow] And I wake up
with my beard in my mouth.

- Not at all.

He would have died in this dungeon

without my bread and water.

- It was my Delia who saved my life.

Come, I will show you what she did.

(gentle music)

- [Servo] ♫ I'll never smile again ♫

- [Mike] I must warn you,

I've got a weird scene goin' here.

- [Princess] A miracle, truly a miracle!

- [Crow] That's what we need!

- Forgive me, Ilya, I have wronged you.

Help us, Ilya, against Kalin.

- [Ilya] You wish my help, Prince?

- Ilya, we need you.

- [Servo] Honey, can I do just one thing?

- Great danger threatens.

The Tougars stand at our gates.

- [Mike] Just two guns?

- Vast numbers of them.

- Help us, Ilya.

- [Crow] Help us.

- Forget your grievance, Ilya.

- [Crow] Pete Rose!

- For the people's sake.

- [Mike] Well, I thought it over,

and I will definitely

not help you, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

- Not for your sake, Prince Vanda,

nor for the sake of your princess.

- [Crow] But for the sake of
The New Christy Minstrels.

- But for the beloved
land which gave me birth,

and which I love,

for her will I give my strength.

- [Servo] For the regular
Joe, tryin' to make a livin'.

For the farmers!

- [Prince] For you, Ilya Morometz,

my golden suit of armor.

- [Mike] We'll let it out.

- [Prince] And for that
traitor, the boiling tar.

- [Crow] With croutons and melted cheese.

(exclamations of protest)

- [Mike] You know,

I'd kinda like to watch the
whole melting tar thing.

What?

- Tell me, what do you
think we should do first?

- There is one thing we must do

without a moment's delay.

- [Crow] Let's have lunch.

- You must summon all of your
fighting men to your side

to plan the battle at once.

- [Mike] Do ya love this man?

I love this man!

- [Prince] Within three days,

I will assemble every warrior in the land.

- [Servo] Just don't get it, do you?

- [Crow] Well, that didn't work.

(Servo sniggering)

- [Servo] I claim this Mongol
for all crows everywhere.

- [Crow] Crows!

My brethrens!

See what a grand and
noble creature they are?

- [Servo] Uh-huh.

- [Voiceover] But Kalin's men
were restless for plunder,

and would not wait.

And beyond the palace,

on another plain outside the city,

they attacked.

Greatly outnumbered,

the bold defenders fought back bravely.

- [Mike] Sort of.

- [Voiceover] And won the day.

(stirring music)

But what of tomorrow?

- [Servo] Well, I'm gonna sleep in.

Oh, he means the movie.

- [Crow] Pyle!

- [Mike] Please dispose
of your Mongols properly.

- [Servo] Another Super Fun site is born.

(horse whinnying)

- [Crow] Woodstock 2 ends in tragedy.

- [Mike] The mass effects

of watching Pauly Shore's last movie.

- This indeed was a costly battle,

but we to keep the foe in check.

- [Servo] Well, I liked it.

- The prince has wronged us sorely.

Still we have fought against

the enemy that threatens him.
- [Servo] Yow-how!

- And now we must help
him further, Alexei.

- Not even if the path be
strewn with golden coins.

I will not fight for him again.

- We must forget our feelings.

The prince stands in his greatest danger,

and he needs us.

- Would you lead me to the
prince as once you led Ilya?

For the nobles to jeer at?

- Do you think I do not
grieve over Ilya as you do,

grieving over the fate
that has befallen him?

- [Mike] Shall we dance?

- Why do you quarrel so?

- [Servo] Summin' to do.

- Has the world grown too
narrow for both of you?

You must hasten to Ilya
Morometz, he is alive.

I have heard that he lives!

- [Alexei] He lives?

- Yes, he is safe and well.

- [Alexei] This is indeed wondrous.

- [Crow] Hey!

(gong clanging)

(stirring music)

- [Servo] 'Scuse me,
here, smoke. (coughing)

Wow.

- [Crow] Do we all need our own campfires?

- [Servo] Musta got ahold of
some wet wood, or somethin'.

Bacon grease.

- [Mike] Yeah, you got yourself

quite a view from the patio, Ilya.

- [Crow] We are gonna get
our butts kicked so bad!

- [Servo] Well, get used to
Mongolian beef, everybody.

- [Mike] Uh, is there a
back way outta this place?

- [Crow] Hey, they took
The Golden Gate Bridge!

- The three days have already passed.

Soon, the Tougars will strike again.

- [Servo] There's a lot more
than two guys out there.

- And still no sign of our men.

- I myself shall go to Kalin,

and persuade him to
grant us three days more.

- [Mike] Oh, sweetheart, will you?

- [Prince] Spare neither gold nor silver.

Fill new sacks to the brim
and load them on gilded carts.

- Harken to these words from
a simple farmer, my prince.

We will use torn sacks and
load them on old carts.

- [Servo] Hmm?

- We will take but a small
portion of your treasures.

I have thought out a plan.

(Servo mumbling)

- You, ride slowly,

and drop a jewel on the
ground every 10 paces.

- [Servo] Ah, drop this old man.

- And you drop a silver
coin at every hundred paces!

- [Mike] I'll do it later.

- And you at every thousand
paces, a golden coin!

(horse neighing)

- [Crow] This is great!

I can't believe how
well my plan is working.

- I want them.

I will expect each of you, my warriors,

to bring home much gold from his palace.

It shall all be ours.

- [Mike] I bet you get most of it.

- All of it, ours.

(horse whinnying)

- [Crow] Will you be
more than two hours, sir?

♫ Dum-dee-dee-de-doom-dee ♫

- Mighty Chief Kalin!

Prince Vanda has sent us
here with gifts and bounties

you have commanded!
- [Mike] Look up there.

It's the Trix are for kids monument.

(Kalin laughing)

- So, the prince has submitted?

He is wise, your prince.

- Yes, Kalin.

Here is all the treasure.

In the first cart, silver.

- [Servo] And Nutrageous bars.

- And this one is filled
with coins of gold.

And the one beside it
is loaded with jewels.

- [Crow] And we'll throw the guy in, too.

- And they're all for you.

- [Kalin] Unload the carts,

and fill the gold into my sacks!

- [Mike] What, you don't like our sacks?

- [Servo] Uh, paper or plastic, sir?

Hey, a wheat penny!

- Aaagh!

- [Mike] What are they having there?

A cootie festival?
(Servo chuckling)

- This is indeed unfortunate.

You see.

- [Crow] It's good burlap.

I don't know what happened.

- It is quite simple.

As we prepared to leave the palace walls,

the prince was in great sorrow,

as you can understand.

His riches, he loaded on broken carts,

and his gold, he poured
into these torn sacks.

It must all have spilled all the way here.

- [Servo] You buyin' any o'this?

- And only these few
pieces of gold are left.

- [Crow] Well, whaddaya gonna do?

Humph.

- Will your men go back for
it or shall I send mine?

- [Servo] Service is our middle name!

- I fear if I send mine,
you may not get it all.

(metal clanging, beeping)

- [Servo] From downtown!

Oh, baby!

- [Crow] You missed some.

- Hey, something's comin'
in on the hex screen.

- Hey, it's who-ya-what's-his-face.

- [Ilya] Yes it is I, Ilya Morometz.

And behold, I have a new job.

Here, at the legendary pancake house,

where I am a waiter, ha-ha!

Hava cookin'!

- [Mike] That's great.
(Crow chuckling)

- [Crow] Yeah.

- [Ilya] And yet the
day is filled with woe,

for we are short of staff,

and my great heart is filled with sadness,

for I must take Cindy's shift.

- [Mike] Aw, that's too bad.

- [Ilya] And yet, little
ones, my heart rejoices.

For behold, this short
stack of wheat cakes,

laden with berries,

and smothered with the
cream which is whipped.

- [Mike] Mmm.
- [Crow] Yum. (smacks lips)

- [Ilya] And to accompany,
rashers of bacon,

and beautiful links of sausage of pork

for all to rejoice in.
- [Servo] Sausage.

- [Crow] Or, uh, you could
probably get ham, huh?

- [Ilya] Ham?

- Yeah, a little Virginia honey-baked ham?

Yes!

- Ooh, yeah.

- [Ilya] Substitution
is spawn of the devil.

- [Crow] Well, now, hey!

Hold on there!

- [Ilya] Not even a Tougar
shall order off the menu.

- [Mike] Hey, hey!

- [Ilya] What?

- [Mike] Hey, come on.

You're Ilya Murometz.

Defender of the realm.

I mean, accept this challenge.

Proof to us that you could bring ham!

- [Crow] Yeah.

- [Ilya] Yes.

Yes, yes.

I will gather my strength,

and I shall go forth.

And I shall go to the back.

And I shall request ham,

for it is ham that I seek.

Ham!

- [Mike] Ham.

- [Crow] Ham.

- [Ilya] Ham!

- [Crow] Good luck!

- [Mike] Ham, ham.

Good luck with the ham.

- [Crow] That stupid
square head. (chuckles)

- [Mike] Oh, he's not that bad.

We'll be right back.

Maybe you're right.

(MST3K theme music)

- [Kalin] Well?

- We search all day for chief
(Crow, Mike, Servo muttering)

and have found no gold.

- Put him to his death like a dog!

- [Servo] What kind of dog, my lord?

- Do not act in anger, Kalin.

There is no need to be
hasty about killing me.

First, you must take the
treasures that are yours.

- [Soldier] Ugh!

- [Crow] Hit me!

(jangling)

- [Mike] He's got all our spoons.

(exciting music)

- [Servo] So, when does
Ilya's plan kick in?

- [Crow] He's got Dick Butkus intensity.

- [Servo] Hmm.

- [Mike] You're mad, aren'tcha?

You're mad.
(soldier crying out)

- [Crow] That's telling him, sir.

Oh, ooh, oof!
(soldier crying out)

He's worse than Bobby Knight.

- [Servo] (whispering) No, it's Bob.

- Whosoever steals from me
will die by my own sword,

like the dog that he is.

Come forward, chief warriors!

- [Mike] He loves that dog thing.

- Gather every coin and treasure!

Pile them all at my feet!

- [Crow] Move it, move it, move it!

- It is better to give up
the gold than lose our heads.

(clanging)

- Empty your pockets, ah.

The prince shall repay us a thousand fold.

- Yes, yes.

Pile all the treasure at my feet.

Every piece!

Every coin!

- [Servo] Oh, that was
gratuitous, Tad, come on.

Oh, and it goes without saying,

do it like the dogs you are!

(Servo emulating soundtrack)

(maniacal laughter)

- [Crow] Ah, this is better
than shopping by mail!

- [Mike] Ilya's plan seems ungainly.

- [Servo] Ah, yes, Michael Ovitz

at his monthly managers' meeting.

- [Crow] Here.

Hope ya choke on it.

- [Mike] There goes my
laundry money, you dick weed.

Fine.

- [Servo] Thanks to you, it's working.

The United Way.

- [Ilya] See Chief Kalin,

what great riches you have now?

- But it is not enough.

- [Crow] I want moose and squirrel.

- There is one thing to make me content.

Bring to me Ilya Morometz.

That is what I'd like.

Then shall I retreat from your gate.

- [Ilya] So shall it be, mighty Kalin.

- [Mike] Yo, baby, you heard him.

- Return to the palace.

Go to the dungeon and
seek out Ilya Moromtez,

and bring him back here
with you to this very place.

Hurry!

- [Servo] What is his plan?

- And tell the prince not to dally.

There is not a moment to lose.

Tell him that, do you understand?

- [Crow] Am I alone here?

Hello?

- All mighty chief Kalin.

We have searched along every road.

They are not bring Ilya Morometz.

- [Mike] Oh, and I made
pudding in a skull.

- You have deceived me, emissary.

And you shall die.

- I'm willing to stake my own life on it.

Ilya Morometz will appear before you.

- If I had Ilya Morometz before me,

I would retreat and withdraw my men.

- Here I stand!

(crowd gasping)

- [Servo] He's a disco ball.

- Ilya Morometz!
(crowd murmuring)

Now withdraw your men.

You are band by the promise
you have made to retreat.

- [Mike] Chad, I have a
big problem with this.

- You think, perhaps, I am a fool.

I should chop off your head!

- [Crow] I had my fingers
crossed all the time.

- But for the courage you have shown,

I might pardon you.

I shall command and you follow.

My clever emissary.

You shall be one of us.

- Never shall I serve a tyrant
or betray my native land!

We shall fight you to the end,

until we have regained our freedom.

- [Servo] No, we won't!

- Take your men and
retreat at once, tyrant.

We shall destroy you,
each and every one of you.

- Agh, tie him up!

- [Mike] Uh, how's this, uh.

- I wish him to be burned alive.

- [Crow] Like a dog, sir?

- Bring him here to him.

I shall pull his arm out of its socket!

Drag him here!

- With these hands, bloody tyrant,

I shall crush the breath
from your monstrous body!

(crashing)

- [Servo] Houdini lives!

(whistling)

- [Crow] Lassie!

- [Mike] Fooled them into
thinkin' tea was ready.

- [Servo] Ooh, a real sepia
tone's come over the crowd.

- After him!

I want him alive!
(exciting music)

- Mighty Chief!

Your allies have fled.

They refuse to join you and your men

on the the attack on Prince Vanda.

- Ah.

- [Crow] That felt good.

- You, you must go alone against them.

And in single combat.

- [Mike] Ilya's plan is still on.

Don't give up hope!

(horse neighing)

- [Servo] This is
Arthurian in the sense that

Arthur with Dudley Moore is Arthurian.

- Ho, ho, ho!

- [Crow] I mean, hi-diddle-ee-dee!

- Your strongest man to
meet me in single combat!

- [Mike] Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

- [Servo] Great, my
fruitcake son is calling me.

- [Ilya] Come, my young
braggart who shouts so loudly.

I am ready to meet you in single combat.

- [Falcon] You are too old and feeble.

You are no match for me!

Go home, old man.

- [Crow] Hey, I walk the malls.

- First kill a falcon, young
man, before you bind him.

- You are afraid to fight.

Now I shall show you no mercy, old one!

(exciting music, swords clanging)

- [Mike] This movie has the
same plot as A Boy Named Sue.

- [Crow] Father!

- [Servo] Yes, son?

- [Crow] I want to kill you.

- [Mike] Guys.

- [Crow] I want--

- [Mike] Guys.

- [Servo] This is gonna turn into

The Guns of Will Sonnett now, isn't it?

(horse neighing)

(Crow moaning)

- Up, you young braggart.

Up!

Your strength is great.

- [Mike] Your odor is powerful, ech.

- [Servo] I wanna go to art school!

- [Crow] Nice ring!

You get that wholesale?

(grunting)

- [Mike] Putting this into my plan.

My plan is very flexible.

(grunting)

- Hold, my brave young warrior.

I had not thought we would ever
meet on the field of battle.

- Why did you not kill me

when you could, old man?

I would've shown you no
mercy were I in your place!

- Be not so firey, my wild unbroken colt.

(Servo chuckling)

Tell me your name, young man.

And what do they call you?

Who are your father and mother?

- I have no mother.

I have never seen her.

I am Little Falcon, the son of Kalin.

- What you say is not true.

I am your father.

- [Crow] Oh, great, my dad's Burl Ives.

- Do you speak the truth, old man?

- Is this really the truth?

- Yes, I speak the truth!

Look no, I will show you.

- I got a little birthmark
on my left butt cheek.

- See?

This is my ring you are wearing.

- [Mike] You graduated '83, too?

(serene music)

- [Servo] Wow, they get the
family channel on the ring.

- [Mike] It's the little Dutch boy.

- It is as though in a
vision, I see my mother.

- [Crow] Mom!

- Oh, Father.

Will you ever forgive
me for what I have done?

- [Servo] Why did you lick me, son?

(Mike laughing)

- And now, I wish to
fight with all my power

for the prince and you.

- [Mike] Kid's loyalty turns on a dime.

- No, my son.

I have plan.

- [Servo] Oh, no!

- You must go back and
find your mother, boy.

You will know her by the
scar on her right cheek

from the sword of one of Kalin's Tougars.

(exciting music)

- [Crow] Kind of a long way, Dad.

Is there a bus or somethin'?

- We must pretend to fight.

They are watching us.

Strike me, Father, with all your strength!

- [Servo] Want every penny's worth.

(thud)

- [Mike] Jeez, who am I, Gary Crosby?

- Kill them all!

Massacre every one of them!

(Mumbling), spare no one.

- [Crow] Ilya's plan
moves into phase nine.

- You will take the left flank, Alexei.

- [Servo] I like white meat.

- And Durbar's men will take
follow along the right flank.

And I will lead my men through
the center of their ranks.

The prince remains here with
his men to defend the palace.

- [Mike] Foghat prepares for war.

(horde exclaiming, bots cheering along)

- [Servo] We are live from
beautiful Trojan Stadium today!

(horde exclaiming)

- [Crow] That is one
Irish-Catholic family! (whistles)

- [Mike] The cattle
call for Sound of Music.

- [The Bots] ♫ The hills are alive

♫ The hills are alive

♫ With the sound of ♫

- [Crow] Run away!

50,000 Maria van Trapps face
off with the Mongol horde!

(MST3K theme music)

- Who among you knows my mother?

- [Servo] He died.

- [Crow] Come on, people,
let's wake up in here!

- I know she is somewhere in this dungeon.

- [Servo] You're not
supposed to be on this floor.

- She has a small scar on her right cheek.

It is the remembrance of a Tougar sword.

- [Mike] I was a baby when I last saw her,

so I'll need to see all your breasts.

- [Crow] Are you Irene Papas?

- Mother.

Do not send me away.

Please forgive me.

- [Servo] Go watch TV.

- Please.

I have found my true father.

- [Servo] Did you follow
the trail of beer cans?

He sends you his love.

- [Crow] Did he sen any money?

(dramatic music)

- My boy!

- [Servo] You have a weird face.

- My boy.

- [Crow] I could really
use my boy right now.

(horde shouting)

- [Mike] Better check
that boat for mi-foil.

- [Crow] A rotten Trojan horse, there.

- Now we sail!

After them!

After the Tougars!

(swords clanging, shouting)

- [Crow] We fight for Dolly Madison!

- [Mike] Ah, everyone thought
to bring a light wrap.

(soldiers shouting)

- [Servo] Vroom, vroom, here we go.

Vroom, vroom!

- [Crow] Could someone invent water?

- [Mike] And still more Marias!

- [Servo] ♫ The hills are alive ♫

- To the mountain of Mertz!

Hurry!

- [Servo] I play at a gym!

- I wish to see the dregs of the enemy!

I must know the size of the
force he pits against me.

- [Crow] No need to explain, sir.

We like making mountains of men!

- Attack!

Higher, higher!

- [Servo] ♫ I wanna take you higher ♫

- [Mike] The trick here

is to be one of the last ones on the pile.

- [Servo] It's a Tougar pile-up!

Hey, you got my elbow in my groin.

- [Crow] I need to move my face.

- [Servo] What is that?

Ooh, it's soft!

- Come rally to my side, warriors!

And I will show you where Prince
Vanda and his cowards hide.

(horse neighing)

- I shall be the echo
responding to his call.

- [Mike] The first product
of the Acme company.

- [Crow] A-hah!

(soldier exclaiming)

(soldiers moaning)

- [Mike] My fillings!

- To the gate!

Release Zuma the fire dragon.

The palace will be nothing
but ashes and smoke!

- [Servo] Can we get up now?

- [Crow] It's Ghidorah!
(dragon's wings swooshing)

- [Mike] Okay, we're goin' left.

- [Servo] I say we're goin' right.

- [Crow] Would you two quit arguing?

I'll decide!

- [Mike] No, we're goin' left.

We're goin' left.

- [Servo] Shut up.

- Fire dragons!

They have released it!

- Go, Little Falcon.

You must go and help them now.

- No, I will not leave you here alone.

- No harm shall come to me.

I will find my way home safely, my son.

- [Servo] Admit it, we're lost.

(horde exclaiming)

- [Mike] This baby can handle

anything but a three-headed dra.

Oh, sonuva.

Aw!

(roaring)

(fleeing people screaming)

- [Servo] I love the smell
o'dragon breath in the morning.

- This dragon of theirs breathes fire,

but we'll extinguish him.

Look!

He flies like nightingale.

- [Crow] I heard that.

I do not fly like that.

(catapult firing)

- Look, the spear, it's hit him!

- [Mike] Help the bombardier.

(roaring)

- [Crow] I'll handle this guys.

- [Servo] Well, if you're sure.

- [Crow] Yeah, you two run along.

- [Servo] Okay.

(roaring)

- [Mike] Oh, the poor
little guy's just scared.

(roaring)

- [Servo] The whole
point of having a dragon

is telling the world
that you have a dragon.

Why did you keep it a secret?

(roaring)

- [Crow] Ah, shoot.
(exciting music)

I just waxed that boat!

(metal clanging)

- [Mike] I love my job.

- The prince shall be killed.

When we are the victors, Morometz dies.

He shall be burned alive.

(roaring)

- [Crow] Dragonslayer
II, the uncalled for.

(roaring)

(Crow, Mike and Servo emulating sirens)

- August Strindberg's Backdraft.

- [Servo] Now for the
best part of my plan.

Retreat!

(exciting music)

- [Crow] Woo, get that dragon
the world's biggest mint.

- [Mike] Oy-oy-oy.

(catapult firing)

- [Servo] Thank you!

- [Crow] Hello, I'm on fire!

Help!

- Take that, firey dragon!

Oh, his breath.

This is like our oven.

- [Servo] Hi, can I help you?

Aagh!

(swords claning)

- [Crow] Is someone putting
away the silverware?

- Father, together we shall
send this firey monster

back to the hell he came from!

- [Mike] Little Thelonius Falcon,

you can down from there right now!

- [Servo] Why do I always have to carve?

- Water!

- [Crow] Not for me!

- Dragon head, already!

- [Mike] We'll be eating dragon sandwiches

for the next month. (smacking lips)

- Follow me, warriors!

The enemy is in retreat!

We shall drive them into the sea!

- [Crow] Horse looks like Stallone.

(soldiers exclaiming, exciting music)

- [Servo] Ilya's plan is still
being taught at West Point.

- [Crow] Gee, the sky is
as clear as Gary, Indiana.

(Servo coughing)

- [Mike] You know,

now I have an unhealthy
hatred of Finnish people.

- [Servo] I suppose, huh?

- [Mike] Ah, yeah.

We've been on it quite a while.

Time to get back home.
- [Crow] Miller time.

- [Servo] If you don't
wanna ride those horses,

you could take the fjord. (chuckling)

- [Mike] Should we make a big mountain?

- [Crow] No, we don't have
to make a big mountain.

- [Mike] I was just asking.

Fine.

(exclaiming, gong clanging)

- Foxy lady.

- Fight!

Fight, cowards, fight!

Sons of battle, listen to my oath.

Spare me and I shall save you.

I promise you this.

(exclaiming)

- [Crow] Ooh, is there a dipping sauce?

- Prepare to die, soldier for Kalin.

- Spare me, I beg of you.

Be merciful.

Spare a handful of Tougars, please,

so we may beget sons.

- Steady your hand, warrior!

Our people shall judge the fate of Kalin.

- Let us take him alive to the palace.

Treat him like the cur that he is.

Stuff him in a sack and
take him back to the palace.

(laughing)

- [Mike] Those guys are so
funny at times like this.

- [Servo] Well, if you
can laugh once at war.

(laughter)

- And so ends the Mighty Chief Kalin.

- [Servo] ♫ The hills are in flames ♫

(dramatic music)

- Ilya, my love!

- [Crow] I have some things to explain

about me and the wind demon.

- Delia, my dearest.

- [Mike] I wanna feel ya, Ilya.

- At last I have found you.

(dramatic music)

- [Servo] Hey, they captured Billy Barty!

(dramatic music)

- [Mike] Oh, it's housing project hill.

- [Crow] I have Rockports.

- In your honor, Ilya,

we shall have a feast.

- [Mike] Now get back to the dungeon, you.

- Henceforth, Ilya, you
shall live in the palace.

You shall become a noble or a prince.

- [Servo] Or something.

- Thank you my prince, but I
could not live at the palace.

- [Crow] It stinks in there.

- I must pursue my destiny.

I must go where adventure leads me.

- [Servo] I'm joining the Hogan tour.

- The road to life has
many different pasts.

This brave

and willing soldier.
- [Mike] Ow!

- He will serve you well at court.

He is my son.

- So be it.

We shall be proud to have with us

the son of Ilya Morometz.

- [Crow] Even though
he is a Mongol bastard.

- Bring no dishonor

on the magic sword of Invincor.

- [Mike] Gee, Dad, it's a daisy.

- [Servo] Ow!

I cut myself

- I accept this sword.

And I shall honor it always, Father.

- Bravo, Ilya Morometz, bravo!

- [Crowd] Bravo, Ilya Morometz!

- [Servo] His son did bring dishonor.

He traded the sword for a lid

and got high in the palace.

(Mike laughing)

- [Crow] ♫ So long, country bumpkin

♫ Fresh as frost down on the pumpkin ♫

(metal clanging, beeping)

- You hear Kate Mulgrew is Mrs. Pickard?

- [Crow] Yes, that's--

- Hey, guys!

I got ahold of the first edition

of Gypsy's review of our
political satirical revue.

- Oh, yeah!

- Oh, don't read that stuff.

Why feel bad if you don't have to?

Huh?

- Come on, Mike.

I'm sure you got a mention.

Now, let's take a look here.

All righty, here goes.

As I watched
Supercalifragilisticexpiali-wacky,

one question clawed at my brain.

Does such delight actually
dwell in the universe?

Here it comes.

The answer is yes, yes, yes.

Hey!

And it comes in a big, blond
package called Mike Nelson!

- Hey, yeah.
- [Servo] There you go.

Bright and irreverent,

Mr. Nelson thrills the viewer
with his charismatic presence.

Ha ha, what a treat this man is.

- Wow.

- Mr. Servo, however, bounded on the.

- Yeah?

- Yeah?

- Um, (clearing throat)
Mr. Servo, however,

bounded on stage, shrieking his lines,

shrill as a fishwife.

Who or what put this man on stage?

Brr.

Uh, Crow T. Robot rounds out the cast.

- Well, hey, you really
did round out he cast!

- I did?

- Yeah.

- All right!

- Yeah, and you, I mean, a fishwife.

That's good.

That's good.

Because what is a
fishwife, but chopped fish.

Hey, look, the things,
the guys are calling.

- Hey, Nelstoney, ha.

You probably noticed

all the skirts running
around down here. (chuckling)

The place was lousy with 'em.

Well, they're gone now,

but if they were still here, hoo.

(both chuckling)

- Yep, there are four words

to describe the climate down here.

Va-va-va-voom!

(both chuckling)

You know, Clay,

you and I should go cruisin'
for some more lady love.

- Ah, no doubt, no doubt, Frankie.

But, uh.

I've gotta bag up the rest
of my Animal Man collection.

If it weren't for that.

Pa-poom!

- Understood, my friend, understood.

It's like me.

Right now I'd go out cruisin'
for some more lady love,

but there are three very
good reasons why I can't.

Universal Action Pack.

(phone ringing, both exclaiming)

("The MST3K Love Theme")