Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 6, Episode 9 - The Girl in Lovers Lane - full transcript

** in the not too
distant future *

* next Sunday a.D. *

* there was
a guy named Joel *

* not too different
from you or me *

* he worked
at gizmonic institute *

* just another face
in a red jumpsuit *

* he did a good job
cleaning up the place *

* but his bosses
didn't like him *

* so they shot
him into space *

* we'll send him
cheesy movies *

* the worst we can find *

* la la la *

* he'll have to sit
and watch them all *

* and we'll
monitor his mind *

* la la la *

** now keep in mind
Joel can't control *

* where the movies
begin or end *

* la la la *

* because he used
those special parts *

* to make his
robot friends *

**

[man]
All right. Let's go.

Pan left.

Hi, girl.

What a cool guy.

A wisecracker.

* if you're wondering how
he eats and breathes *

* and other
science facts *

* la la la *

* then repeat to yourself
it's just a show *

* I should really
just relax *

* for mystery science
theater 3000 *

Come on, crow.
Let's go.

Yeah, yeah,
just a sec, Tom.

Hi, everyone. Welcome to
the satellite of love.

I'm crow t. Robot,
and this here's Tom servo.

Howdy.

We're retro-fitting
each other

with bellybuttons.

Yup. Turns out
our compeer Joel Robinson

completely overlooked
bellybuttons.

So we're just
doing it ourselves.

Yup.

And there's a good chance

we're doing something
incredibly stupid.

Again.

Yeah.
[Laughter]

But once it's done,
Joel can't do anything about it.

Uh, this isn't gonna hurt,
is it, crow?

Nah, mariette hartley had
two navels in Genesis ii.

Okay. Oh, oh be sure
to put some lint in it too.

Sure.

All right, let's do it.

Ah, ha, ha!

Good gravy,
what are you guys doing?!

Well, hi, Joel.

We're giving each other
bellybuttons.

You can't do that.

Oh. Okay.

We weren't that sure.

Why, Joel, why?

Why can't you
give me the gift

of one simple bellybutton?

Look at me, Joel.
I who have none.

Yeah, Joel.
We don't wanna feel weird

around the other guys
in the locker room.

Please!

[Both]
Please, please, please...

Um...

Okay.

[Both cheer]

Hey, if this works out,
can I have an Adam's apple?

[Machine whirring]

Aah!
Oh, yeah. Oh--oh, yeah.

This was definitely a mistake.

Huh. Drilling holes
in our midsection.

Look at that poor shmo.
Whoo!

Man, there but for
the grace of god go I.

Quiet! I'm contemplating
my bondo navel.

Oh, uh, quisp and quake
are calling.

[Laughter]

That fannie flagg
is a hoot.

Durwood, it's them.

Let's talk baseball.

Better yet, let's talk
baseball sponsors.

Better yet, let's just talk.

[Laughs]

Baseball.

Great American pastime.

But how can we
as evil scientists

hope to dilute or even destroy

this great summertime event?
Frank?

Oh, boy.
This is gonna be dark.

Thanks.

Our invention exchange

is based roughly on the popular
baseball promotion night.

You know,
hat night, sock night...

Tunnel of chili night.

Right. Uh, but we've made it
evil and hurtful.

You know,
like we like to do.

So we've rewritten
the baseball season

with some unsavory and,
in some cases,

downright dangerous
cross-promotional giveaways.

For the season opener,

we have colorless, odorless,
toxic gas night.

- Yeah.
- [Coughs]

This knothole day special,

the first 10,000 lucky kids
get slide whistles.

Oh, boy.

And the second lucky
10,000 kids

get real brass knuckles.

Then the first 10,000 lucky kids
become unlucky.

Oh! [Groans]

Oh! This symbol here

represents the loveable,
huggable, San Diego chicken,

which must mean it just
happens to be crossbow night.

Frank, right on.
Give me five.

Oh!

You are righteous.

Then there's
the promotional tie-in.

The beauty of this concept is

is that it hurts the company
supplying the product

as well as the fans
themselves.

Dow corning presents
fiberglass insulation night.

Parke-Davis presents
used syringe night.

Tires plus presents
the peppermint schnapps

tire iron double hitter.

[Laughter]

Well, that's about
as evil as it gets,

don't you think, Joel?
Hmm?

Oh, sure, sirs.
That's real evil.

Of course it is.

Well, our invention
exchange this week

is based on
some foot fashion

and some clever wordplay.

- Tom?
- Thanks, Joel.

Say, ever notice how
the trendy shoes doc Martins

and the name of the popular
mad cartoonist

Don Martin
almost sound the same?

Well, we did.

Right, and our "take a walk
on the wild side"

department has converted
the command table

to a high-fashion walkway
to present...

Doc Martins for Don Martin,
Joel.

Yes, yes, Don Martin,

the maddest
of the mad cartoonists

has a real flair
for drawing funny footwear.

And doc Martins,

British shoe importer,
also has a real flair

for making and selling
funny footwear.

Ah, what do you think,
Chester bester tester?

How about poopy night?

Poopy.

Your movie this week, Joel,

is a little piece of dreck

called
the girlin lover's Lane .

Poopy night. Frank.

Come on, that's funny.

I'm not saying
it isn't funny.

What, are you gonna
give kids poop?

Well, I...

Movie sign!

Aah!

Nice shoes.

Burlington northern presents

a film by Casey Jones.

How's that, Mr. Jarmusch?

Wait,
we just wanna pants you.

We've never pantsed
a hobo before.

He doesn't understand
the concept

of hopping a freight.

Ollie Ollie
friggin' oxen free.

Sir, we just wanna
punch your ticket.

Calvin klein jeans.

Damn jehovah's witnesses.

Richie brockelman--
the lost episodes.

Hey, my trusty library card.

I heard a wallet over there.

Scotty,
beam me out of here.

Hey, he rolled himself.

Like wallets, like son.

Stamp all butts dead out.

Oh, yeah? Well, at least
he's a donor.

Hey, I think we're losing
our significance here.

We better
do some crimes, man,

or we'll be written
right out of the script.

He does look like
an easy target for thugs.

Hell, I'd like
to beat him up.

Speak, Von Ryan.
Speak!

Oh, you know,
this happened

on Thomas the tank engine
one time.

Okay, you join our discussion
salon or you're dead.

I'll hold him.
You search his pockets.

You do the voice.
I'll move the jaw.

He's clean.

You're crazy. I saw the roll
he was packing.

I haven't got any money.

You're lying.

Damn student loan
association.

I tell you,
he was loaded.

He must have
ditched it somewhere.

Now you've done it.

I knew this guy
was carrying a fat roll.

And some bagels too.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

You should get yourself
a pair of glasses.

All that work for nothing.

Don't cheapen the moment.

Kidnapped--
the frank Sinatra junior story.

[Gasps]
It's Jesus.

Or maybe not.

In Oxfords?

Well...

Ugh.
Oh, good heft.

Hmm.

Hey, guys.
Look what I just found.

I'm gonna put him in my room
and pose him.

And thus the passenger train
is born.

Aah!

Whoo! Oh.
Almost got me there.

* the girl in lovers Lane *

* with Jack elam
not Jack lalanne *

* not lalanne *

* and lots of actors *

* there's no time to name *

* a screenplay by Jo heims *

* that's pretty lame *

* the entire crew *

* feels a sense of shame *

* if only they had *

* half a brain *

* they could attain *

* a measure of fame *

* with a film like Shane *

* but no *

* to their disdain *

* the girl *

* in lovers Lane *

[imitates whip cracking]

The girl in lovers Lane!

Hey, wake up, snowball.

The credits are over.

Hey, I'm in here.
Do ya mind?

You got a weak jaw, boy.

They hardly touched you.

No, I'm kind of a fem.

My friends call me wormy.

Oh, wait a minute.
Where's my certs?

I meet a new hobo
and I have bad breath.

Christina's world.

You got something
that belongs to me.

Well, then I guess it means
we got something to talk about.

Well, that'll make
the time go fast.

I want that wallet.

Is that okay?

You wanna take it from me?

Nah, you'll probably
just clobber me

and I'll wake up
six hours later then.

I watched you out there, kid.

You were scared.
Real scared.

You're scared right now.

Really quite scared.

Tell you what.

Don't hit me!

I'll give you car fare home.

I'm not going home.

Well, where you headed?

That's my business.

You don't seem
to understand, kid.

You're out of business.

You're under bankruptcy
protection from the court.

You had
a hundred bucks here.

How come you're
hopping freights?

Kinda hard to hop a plane.

Well, you aren't used
to traveling this way.

This is something new
to you.

You don't even know how
to handle yourself yet.

I got separated
from my band trip, okay?

Meaning what?

Meaning you don't know
how to hang on to what's yours.

If I give this back to you,

somebody else will just
take it away again.

Good idea. You better hang on
to my clothes then too.

What's your name, kid?

Sex poodle. Oh.

Danny.

Danny winslow.

Bix stoogan.

Big stupid?

Mr. Stupid, can I have
my wallet back now?

War torn Wisconsin.

[Imitates cow]

Wow, you got me a wallet.
And I just lost mine.

If you said you'd stole it,
I'd have kept it.

How's that make you feel?

Well, you better get some sleep,
Danny boy.

I can't sleep now.
I'm too excited.

I think maybe you got
a long way to go.

And I'm gonna
take you there.

Hey, I call the top bunk.

Hey, are we bound for glory
right now, Mr. Big stupid?

Rail. Rail against the dying
of the light.

Rail.

You were incredible.

Bix?

Can I have a glass of water?

Are you asleep?

Yeah.

I'm thinking.

Can we snuggle?

Don't.
You'll weaken the team.

I wrote a poem about you
while you were sleeping.

Where you going, bix?

Back to sleep.

I'm serious.
Wake up and talk to me.

Where you headed?

- This is getting weird.
- Mm-hmm.

Wherever this train's headed.
I ain't particular.

Should we call ahead
and make reservations?

That's what I thought.

I've got an idea.

Toaster pastries.

Congratulations.

Uh, bix, don't laugh
at my footie pajamas

when I put 'em on, okay?

- All right.
- Hop on.

What do you
wanna talk about?

Well, I was thinking about
changing the part in my hair.

Well, I was just thinking.

Since you don't care
where you go,

just so long
as you keep moving,

why can't
we travel together?

I killed a bunch of drifters
and you could be next.

Well, for one thing,
you got 100 bucks, kid.

I don't know whether
you know it or not,

but a traditional vagrant
don't make much money.

They money'll be my part
of the deal.

You'll bring
a sense of style.

I--I'd just like to have
someone to go with.

And I'll give you $10
every time you don't hit me.

It's your loot, man.

I guess we're stuck
with each other.

Dear diary, I think I'm finally
becoming a real vagrant.

Big stupid says
he's gonna teach me

the ins and outs
of drifting.

At my age
I'm gonna be a mother.

Hey, this boxcar's enormous.

Would you move, Danny?

[Horn blaring]

Uh, uh, camera three,
get off the tracks.

Camera three--
oh, dear god!

Ooh.

I woke up and you were there.

I hate that.

What's the matter?

Seven minutes late,
raccoon on the tracks

at Brixton.

Oh, nothing. They're probably
stopping for water.

Is that bad
when they stop for water?

Do you want me to get you
some water, bix?

- There's water--
- shut up, Danny.

Oh.

Hold me.

Oh, it's just as I dreamed
it would be.

Looks like we're about
a mile from town.

Better get off here.

Never mind.

Why don't we just take the train
all the way in?

Sure, all the way in
and right to jail.

Or did you buy a ticket
for this joyride?

She's slowing down.
Come on.

Mr. Big stupid, catch me.

Is this right?
Am I walking with you right?

I'll always remember you,

boxcar number 1837562093.

Goodbye.

I'd really like
to freshen up now.

Gee, I thought Vegas would be
bigger and shinier.

Get off the road,
you drifters.

Like father like bum.

Think about it,
won't you?

Is that a girl,
my lord,

in a flat-bed Ford,

slowing down
to take a look at--

oh, no.

Hey, I want you to take this kid
for me, will ya?

Hey, can we stop
for biscuits and gravy, big?

I think I sat on your keys.

What town are we coming to?

Funky town.

Sherman.

Nice little town.

I'll say.

No ifs ands or buts.

- Two moon junction.
- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Laura petrie, no!

Laura petrie, yes!

Actually, guys,
it's Millie helper.

That's real nice, ma'am,
but you're still under arrest.

- See ya later, Carrie.
- You're so very.

[Train horn beeping]

Hey, train'll be in soon.

Oh, it's just another freight.

It'll still be in soon.

Oh, Peggy,
not another one.

Just a half one.

You'll get fat.

Johnny isn't complaining.

Johnny's pretty wild.

You've been seeing a lot
of him lately.

Well, he's better
than nothing.

You haven't tried nothing.

You haven't been
seeing anybody.

You never do.

Oh, I can't talk to boys
the way you do.

That's silly, Carrie.

Besides, who has to talk?

Oh, I get it.

Oh, look who just walked in.

Sherman's answer
to the brainless wonder.

Shh.

Hey, it's Abe Lincoln.

My pa left a list of things
for you to get, Jessie.

Lice shampoo and a comb?

You understand
what you gotta do now?

I don't think you're
getting through, honey.

Try drawing pictures.

Hey, what did I say?

I'm talking to you.

I know.

I just like to look at you.

Oh, wow. Maybe I should leave
you two lovebirds alone.

No.

Supposed to go down
to the store

and get your pa some supplies.
Is that right?

Yes, that's right.

As a young man,

Garrison keillor was shunned
by his friends.

Thank you, Jessie.

[Imitates Frankenstein grunting]

I wish that I
was Jessie's girl.

Ugh.

Smells like
derby canned tamales.

You're trembling.

Am I?

I don't ever want
to be alone with him.

Just the thought of it--

oh, stop it, Terry.
For goodness sakes.

He's as harmless as a pup.

Yeah, cujo.

Everybody knows that.

The poor idiot likes you,
that's all.

The way you're dressed,
who wouldn't leer at you?

What you need
is a man, honey.

I know.

You'll see.
One'll come along.

They always do.

Ha. That's our midge.

* green eyed lady,
sexy lady *

I had enough of you two.

Now get out, out, out!

Big, should I have not put
my head in the driver's lap?

Was that wrong?

Look out, sherman.
Here we come.

Shut up, Danny.

Oh.

Ever been here before?

Small towns
are all the same.

Seen one,
you seen 'em all.

Well,
the zoning's different.

I'm hungry.
Let's get something to eat.

That's a good idea.

You're catching on, kid.

That was very
insightful of you.

We're hungry,
but I thought of it.

You know, do you think
that could be my new job, Vic?

Deciding when to eat?

- Shut up, Danny.
- Oh.

You won't tell your old man
I was late, will you?

No, of course not, but...

But what?

Shouldn't have brought her
in here with you.

Ah, what's the harm?

You know how pa
feels about her.

He's told you time and again

not to let Sadie in here.

How's he gonna know
unless you tell him?

Let me worry about it.

Hey, Mel, kiss my grits.

Tom,
don't ever say that again.

Okay, what'll it be?

Well, first,
a little respect.

We ain't bummin' a meal.

Oh, a money man, huh?

Well,
now ain't that interesting.

You're gonna have to excuse
the looks of this place.

We ain't used to catering
to the carriage trade.

Well, do you think you could
get back here with a menu

before the food goes bad?

Food's bad already.

What is this, the sad cafe?

Go on up there
and wait on those clowns.

[All imitate circus music]

Hi, I'm midge.

Can I start you out
with some grilled mahi mahi

and a grapefruit cream sauce?

Don't fall in love
with US, baby.

We'll hurt you every time.

Have you made up
your minds yet?

Have I ever.

- Aoogah! Aoogah!
- Ding! Ding! Ding!

- Dive! Dive!

Oh, you mean the order.

Well, I'll have, uh,
scrambled eggs and coffee.

Okay, you want juice, salad,

roll, grapefruit half,
or pudding?

Rosie, the early years.

I didn't think life
could get any worse.

I'm gonna go turn
on the gas.

I've got a feeling

you're spending the rest
of our money right here.

You're not ready
for quips yet, Danny.

Well, now, what I got in mind,
Danny boy,

shouldn't cost me.

Uh, we're drifters.
You?

Oh, you have
your food already.

How'd you do that?

Should I use a fork, bix?

Say, you're new in town,
ain't ya, honey?

Yeah.

The open road is our home,
ma'am.

Well, come on over.

Sadie wants to talk to you.

Suddenly this is
rain.

Sit down, baby.

I like
the welcome wagon here.

Tell me all about yourself.

Well, I don't
have any bones.

I'm just cartilage.
And, uh...

Well, can I tempt you
with some dessert?

Sorry about that earlier, uh,

sexism thing there.

Is she wiping his lap?

Hey, you missed a spot.

What's your name, honey?

Carrie.

I'm so very.

Bet you have a lot
of boyfriends.

Pretty girl like you.

No, I'm saving myself
for the right oily drifter.

Condiment man.

Get your condiments.

Aah!
We hit a wrinkle in time.

Delivery man
always rings twice.

That's an unusual odor.

Is he one of them?

One of what?

One of your boyfriends.

Oh, no, that's Jessie.

He does odd jobs
around town.

Very odd jobs.

You know,
you're a beautiful girl, Carrie.

You're so very.

Bet you've got
a yellow dress.

And yellow eyes.

With ruffles on it
or something.

You're making fun of me.

No. Hey, why don't you
put that dress on tonight?

You and me
will go for a walk,

maybe take in a movie.

I'd like that.

Will you have to be there?

I don't know your name.

Bix.

And I'm Danny!

What time you get off?

8:00.

Should I pick you up here?

I live under the counter,
so I'll be right here.

Daddy,
there's a drifter outside.

- Danny.
- Get out of my underwear.

That's a nice name.
Where you staying, kid?

In a boxcar
on the edge of town, ma'am.

Save it, honey.
There ain't no business here.

Now wait a minute.

Besides, he's only a kid.

He wouldn't
appreciate it anyway.

- Listen, you.
- Cut it out, bix.

It's nice to meet someone
with manners for a change.

So now your day's complete.

Let's have more breakfast,
Danny.

Now I don't wanna catch you

messing around
with my friend here.

I got no manners.

Pay the check, tiger.

Grr. I'm gonna
pay the check now. Grr.

Come on, pay it.

Okay.
What's 10% of 79 cents?

Why'd she keep
calling me John?

Uh, hey, cambot,
could you do that music again?

[Folk guitar playing]

Yeah, good.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Joel Robinson,

and there's nothing that sets
my heart a wandering

like the sound
of a train whistle. Tom?

The call to the open road.

The urge to Chuck it all
and hop a freight train

is one of the most romantic
notions of this century. Crow?

That's why we've decided

to write
our own train song.

We hope it brings out
the same travelin' vagabond,

everywhere
I hang my hat is home

spirit into you.

Joel, if you will?

Thank you,
crow t. Guthrie.

* I hear that train comin' *

* comin' round the hill *

* I hope that is my train *

* I'd better
check my schedule *

* oops that was the train
to appleton *

* but it's going
to circle pines *

yeehaw!

* and I've got about
20 minutes to kill *

* it's a good thing
I brought some magazines *

Tom?

* been ridin'
on this old train *

* been ridin' it all night *

* I think I'll go
to the club car *

* and get myself a bite *

* mm this
tuna melt sandwich *

* really tastes quite nice *

* oh got sesame seeds
in the bun *

* plus it comes with coleslaw
and a pickle *

* and I must say
it's reasonably priced *

* the 5:15 from duluth *

* derailed *

* the toxic waste
is spillin' *

* the conductor's
been impaled *

* a cloud has risen *

* and folks
are starting to cough *

[both coughs]

* within a matter of days *

* all of our skin
will fall off *

I'm gonna pick one now.

Okay.

Well, you know, cambot,
could you...

[Music stops]

You know, guys,
i, uh...

I get the feeling
we're not really cut out

to do train songs
after all.

I really think that being
who we are in space and all,

we're a lot better suited
at singing about being...

[All]
* in cars *

[synthesizer playing]

Honey,
I don't know about this.

Please, pa, we're just
going for a walk.

Yes, I know.

But after all,
he's a stranger in town.

What do you know about him?

He's a drifter.

Here one minute,
gone the next.

He's wearing a stomach sock.

I don't want anything
to happen to you, honey.

I'm kind of fond of you.

Pa, he's the first boy
I've seen

that I wanna go out with.

And I'm approaching menopause,
for Pete's sake.

Well, he's kind of
easy to talk to.

Your grandmother's
easy to talk to.

Take a walk with her.

Please?

It's important to me.

It's hard to tell if he
combs his hair

forwards
or backwards.

Hmm.

All right, honey.

He's got six fingers!
Ooh.

It's Larry and balki's
apartment.

Oh.

I like watching you shave, big.

She's not that kind of girl.

Oh, grow up.

You didn't fall for that
shy routine, did you?

You're not gonna
pick your nose again, are you?

7:00.
Still got an hour to kill.

Maybe I'll kill you.

Hey, let's check the action
in this town, huh?

Right.

Uh, that's the closet, big.

Let's stop by barton fink's
for a drink.

Oh, Danny,
about all that loot

you've got padding
your pocket...

What about it?

Well,
me with all my experience,

don't you think I ought
to kind of look after it?

No, I'll hold onto it.

What's the matter?

Don't an honest face
count for nothing?

Eh, no response needed.
Come on.

Nobody trusts nobody anymore.

You got your key?

Oh, come on, big.

We've been by the appliance
store three times now.

There's nothing going on.

How's your game, Danny boy?

I never played pool.

You never played pool?

Didn't they teach you
nothing at home?

Anything.

Come on. Follow me.

Hey, it's the catholic
teen center.

[Loudly] Are we going to hustle
these men, big?

Change for a 50 please.

The color of Danny.

Did his head just turn
into a big sucker?

What are you trying to do,
buy the place?

Just break the 50, huh?

That was a lot of money
back in those days.

He probably could have
bought the place.

How do you want it?

Two 20s, a five, four ones,
and some change.

Wait.
Make that three 20s.

Oh, listen. Why don't I just
save you the trouble

and give these guys
the money?

[Chuckles]

Two 20s, a five,
one, two, three, four.

Change.

You got it, buddy.

Uh, you got pull tabs here?

Oh, hi.

Well, rack 'em up
and call the ambulance.

Well, this is pool, huh?

Aw, I cut my teeth
on these babies.

I'm sorry.

Hey, you know, we never knew
how to work this thing before.

Watch him close,
you guys.

He's an expert.

Hey, there's squiggy.

Never mind them.
Go ahead and play.

I am xenon.
Play me.

Never mind US.

Let's prove how good
a champ you are.

Is this the way
it's gonna be, man?

Yes. No. Pass.

Friend, you're carrying
a lot of money.

Yes, we are.
Thank you very much.

Why don't you use some of it
to prove how good you are.

Let's go get a snow cone.

Well, I ain't a gambler.

Me and my friend here
are just killing a little time.

So why don't you take
your kindergarten and blow?

Oh, my
"tomachological" region.

Sure. We'll cut out.

Well, that was awkward.

Hey, do you guys know anything
about that prostitute lady?

No? Oh.

[Whistling]

Streets get awful dark.

Be careful
when you leave here, huh?

Thanks.
Safe home to you too.

The tension in the air
is palpable.

Why do you drive people away,
big stupid?

Do they mean
what I think they mean?

That it's dark outside?

What's that, Danny boy?

That they'll be waiting
for US outside.

Is that it?

That's the message I got.

Is it okay
that I wet my pants?

Well, what do we do about it?

Well, I think maybe
we should just... run!

Bix?

Bix. Yoo-hoo.

If you wanna look
on the dark side,

we get killed
and they get our loot.

And, being in a state
of mortal sin,

we go straight to hell.

On the bright side,
keep our loot,

but we get killed anyway.

I think I see
where you're going with this.

Any way you look at it,
Danny boy,

looks like we're gonna
get our heads bashed in.

Well, is there
another mentor around here?

Like you?

Just reading Cathy.

Leave me out of it.

- Oh, bix...
- Will you change me?

Why do we have to fight
if we don't want to?

Testosterone.

- Why can't we just...
- Love.

Because that's the way
things are, kid.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

I told you once
it ain't easy

to hold on to what's yours.

Sometimes you gotta
fight for it.

Well, we better not
keep them waiting.

Yeah, they might get angry
and hit US.

I guess.

Well, let's get down
to business.

Okay.

There's four of them.

And one of you.

- Come here.
- Okay.

Now what I'm gonna do, see,

is I'm gonna kill you

and strap you around my body
for armor.

...two of US.

That just
don't come out right.

Well, what's so funny?

Well, any way you look at it,
we're gonna get killed.

I don't wanna be a hobo.

I wanna be a nurse.

Uh, I forgot my comb.

Comb over here.

Uh, which one of you
speaks stupid?

Jerry just said to tell you
here'll make a deal.

I'll give you five dollars

if you got a hardboiled egg
in your purse.

Hand over the wallet
nice and peaceful

and you can walk out of here

the same way you came in.

Well, that don't make sense.

I thought
it didn't sound right.

We give you our wallet,

we go out of here
flat broke.

And, man, that ain't
the way we came in.

That's your answer then?

That's it, Sonny.

Okay. All right.

Well, I'll just--

I'm gonna let Jerry know,
and I'll get back to you.

Okay.

I think he likes me.

Can I have change for a 50.

What a dummy.

Come on.

[Whistles]
Here, boy.

Come on, Danny.
There he goes.

Uh, sir, can you change this
back into a 50?

Well, I didn't expect to spend
the whole 50 bucks in there.

We're flat broke now!

They got away.
That was brilliant.

Certainly not worth mugging US

for, um, 75 cents.

The dark side of mayberry.

Yeah, if Andy were here,

he'd outwit them
with some homespun wisdom.

I feel sorry
for the unfortunate mugger

who mugged US.

Hey, um, what's the downside
of running again, big?

[Imitating ed Sullivan]
Really good show tonight...

Really good show.

- See this alley?
- It's where you're gonna die.

Pay attention.

- Ow.
- See this alley?

Yeah.

This is where it'll be then.

Now you do like I say...

Ow!

Remember, folks,
a backhand

will knock him cold
for hours.

Hey, it's got
all the furnishings

from their boxcar.

What--
what happened?

I'll get a tricorder
reading, captain.

[Imitating cat]

Frankie valliand the four
seasons of the apocalypse.

[Chuckles]

I'll give 'em a manicure
they'll never forget.

[Humming]

Oh, this is the alley
where fonzie was introduced.

Ooh.

Hey, sit on it.

Plop, plop, fist, fist,

oh, what a fight it is.

- Where's the other one?
- I don't know. I can't see him.

What are you waiting for,
Danny?

Don't hurt me.
I have this glass jaw thingy.

Danny likes you, mister.

Oh, look out.
I dropped my--

okay, I got it.
Okay.

Spartacus.

Frodo is in
one of those barrels.

Oh, that smacks
of tolkienism.

Aah!

Watch out for the recycling.

Oh.

He's trying
to uncomfortable him to death.

Oh, he looks good in a choker.

[Imitates muffled speech]

Must...save...spock.

What's that little guy
doin' in there?

Crosby, stills,
Nash, and young

have creative differences.

Long may you punch.

It's Donny most and Joel grey
in a fight to the death.

You guys need anything
in there?

The cross
and the switchblade.

Mom!

What were you doing
down there, kid?

Come on, kid.

Let's get back
and get you fixed up.

What about your date?

Forget it.
Ain't that important.

Huh?

Now, wait a sec.
I'm just gonna pop this.

Man, have you got
a lot to learn.

Hold still.

Now, the idea is to keep
your face away from his fist,

not put it out there
where he can find it.

Guess I'm not much
of a fighter.

What are you
whispering for?

It ain't no secret.

How about that guy
I groined in the knee?

You know,
first thing in the morning

we're gonna have
to get some new clothes.

Sheriff sees US in these rags,

he'll throw US in jail
for vagrancy.

Is that constitutional?

- Bix.
- Yeah.

Anymore of those...

I was scared.

If you hadn't have been there,
I would have run.

I almost did anyway.

What a wuss.

Well, we're all scared
sometimes, kid.

When you're in a spot like
tonight, you have two choices--

you can stay and face it
and be afraid,

or you can run
and be ashamed.

It's up to you which
is easiest to live with.

I'll take the latter.

That ain't too bad.

Plastic surgeon
fix you up in no time.

Take a look.

So am I supposed to look
like a Picasso painting?

My dad would never
believe this.

You two didn't get along
too good, huh?

Well, sure.
He's quite a guy.

A lawyer.

Well, level with me, kid.

What's this
back alley trip for?

Well, you may as well know.

I'm the prince
from lichtenstein, big.

Said they were getting
a divorce.

Dad made it clear
it was my fault.

Just like that, he said.

So 19 years have been
a waste of time.

Oh, you can see the string.
Look.

Well, so you cut out.
You ran away.

How do you choose
between two people

who have always
seemed like one to you.

Ew.

I've never had that problem.

I wouldn't know
what to tell you.

You're on your own
on this one, Danny.

Crowding me into a corner.

Danny,
this isn't the answer.

My dad's man to man talks,

I couldn't think straight.

I had to get away from them.

This is not your
induction physical, Danny.

Maybe without them pushing

I can work things out
for myself.

Ah, I'm gonna
take some money

out of the till for booze,
okay, honey?

We made over $5 today.

That's a lot for these days.

Ah, 9:00,
business goes under.

Aah!

Your dad's a lawyer.

Does he make good money?

He's always been able
to give me

whatever I wanted.
Within reason.

Tell me another story, big.

I guess you'd say
we're as close

as a guy and his dad
can be.

Big, was it something
I said in the fight?

What's funny now?

Sounds like my old man.

We were real close too.

Took me
everywhere he went.

I knew every beer joint
in town

by the time I was eight.

That's somebody's
ideal childhood.

He gave me a lot
of things too.

Mostly his fist in my face.

Did he swing it, or just
place it there gently?

Well, I'm gonna go
continue the cycle.

Oh, I know
these kinda guys, honey.

He's a drifter.

They never stay put
very long.

He might have left town
last night.

Here's the lunch rush.

Shall I?

No, pa.
I'll take their order.

Back off, dad.
He's mine.

- Hi, Carrie.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi!

- Hi.
- How ya doing?

What are you
going to have?

Oh, I don't know.
What do you got?

Anger and resentment.

I waited for you
last night.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

Well... [coughs]

Well, something came up
out of nowhere, and...

I had a trans-species
experience last night.

Landed all over his face.

Oh.

Ain't no kiddin', Carrie.
I'm sorry.

Let's make it for tonight.
What do you say?

Same time?

All right. Tonight.

Sucker.

Hi!

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Can you imagine?
- What?

Two hours I waited
for him last night.

Who?
What are you talking about?

Johnny. Who else?

Two hours I wait,
and he doesn't even show up.

Honestly, Carrie,
sometimes I don't even...

Ixnay, Ellie may.

I did it again, big.

Hello there.

Uh, hi.
Right back at ya.

This is big.

And this is, uh...

This is Danny.

Hi.

You're kinda cute
for a boy, hmm?

What happened to your face?

What happened to my face,
big stupid?

...shaving.

And the moment collapses.

Got a dime?

- [Scoffs]
- Sure.

I got 5,000 dimes.

Follow me.

Ah, do you like aqualung?

[Jazz music starts]

* leather coat *

you aren't mad about
last night, are you?

- No.
- Good.

You can walk over me
any time.

Hey, don't forget
that yellow dress.

The one with the ruffles.

Oh, and bring
some French fries too.

Might even take you dancing?

Honest?

Sure.

You got a portable radio?

Gee, thanks.
Good. Bring it along.

Still don't approve.

Hey, who is that character
back there.

He keeps staring at me.

Oh, Lester flatt.

That's my father.

Oh, ho.
Look at the time.

I'm doing Omaha at 5:00.

See you later.

So basically the plan
is to get him

to ask for change
for the pinball machine,

then threaten him,

and then we beat
the snot out of him.

Like in the movie, right?

Well, yeah. I guess that's it
in a nut shell.

That's beautiful, Tom.

But what if he doesn't
fall for it?

Ha. Are you kidding?
He's like an overgrown child.

He's practically got "rube"

sewn into the back
of his underwear.

He's the poster child
for naivete.

Oh, oh. Here he comes.

Oh, hi, bros.

Hey, my old pinball machine.

Yeah. Wanna play?

Yeah, no.
Uh, what else is going on?

Oh! Nothing, Joel.
Not a thing.

We used our tricorders
to scan the s.O.L.

For entertainment potential,

and the pinball machine
is the only thing

that even moved the meter.

Well, uh,
you guys know best.

Ha ha, poor dope.

Oh, what's that?

Uh, I said do you need
any quarters?

Uh, you know, actually
I don't have any money.

Let's just forget it.

I'll give you $50.
Need change?

Uh, crow, this doesn't
have any connection

to that weird beating scene
in today's film, does it?

[Scoffs]
No.

I mean, jeez.
I can't believe--

jeez, Joel. I mean,
what would make you think that?

It's just a--jeez.

Yeah, right.
Like, "hey, servo,

"let's drag
the pinball machine on deck

"and get Joel to ask
for change for his 50,

"and then hog-pile him
by a bunch of crates

we set up to look
like the alley."

Yeah, right. Jeez.
You believe this guy?

Well, uh,
if it's all right with you,

I'll just borrow
one of your quarters

and, uh,
play a game here.

Of course. Go ahead.

What do you think
it's there for?

[Game clinking]

Uh, Joel?

Uh, yeah?

Uh, you're not gonna
take that 50 dollars

and come into
our mock alley set

and let US hog-pile you

and snag on you and stuff,
are you?

Uh, no.

Uh, okay.
I'll be right back.

[Robots whisper]

Joel?

Uh, yeah, honey.

You're absolutely sure?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Well, then we're just gonna
have to hog-pile you here!

Servo, let's get him!

[Alarm blaring]

Oh, we got movie sign!
Oh!

[Robots shouting, laughing]

Uh, sorry we had to use
the Mr. Ed set.

What's wrong?
What'd I do now?

Women.

Well, you brought
your tackle box.

No wonder I'm upset.

So this is bass lake, huh?

My dress, it's blue.

I don't have
a yellow dress.

I tried to make it yellow
with my mind, but I got tired.

And there isn't a ruffle
on it anywhere.

Ugh, I'm out of here.

But it's the best dress
I've got.

Third inning here,
and Don drysdale

is playing the game
of his life.

Come on. Sit down.

Come on. Move it.
Haven't got all day.

[Servo imitating romantic music]

Oh, feels like
swollen glands.

Mm-hmm. Move in.

Well, I think we've found
our girl in lover's Lane.

Mm.

Pa doesn't know very much
about girls' clothes.

There's so much
you could say to that.

You got a boyfriend?
Somebody special?

I thought you
were gonna be him.

I don't know any boys,
really.

I mean, really know them.

You know, her neck looks
like Randy Johnson's

from the Seattle mariners.

Mm?

I don't get it.

Yeah, me neither.

What?

[Pebble splashes]

I love the rings they make

when they hit the water.

Yeah, rings. Right.

That rings thing
really bugs me.

It'll be you, me,
and the moon.

You wear a necktie
so I'll know you.

Oh, this is a great date.

I always wanted to be
nuzzled by a hobo.

Mm. You smell
like hash browns.

Don't you dare Mark me.

Well, where the heck
did your lips go?

There we go.

Remember,
make the tongue the reward,

not the rule.

Oh, forgive me
for responding to you.

So when a man says no,
he means yes, right?

No.

You know why
I brought you out here?

To get to my father?

You got any idea?

Uh, for my tater tot
hot dish recipe?

To talk about hockey?

Nah, you wouldn't.

Uh, 'cause you like shoes?

Come on, kid.
I'll take you home.

Okay.

Sorry about being warm, tender,
and accommodating.

Just a little dart
from the Coca-Cola company.

Is, uh, pa still here?

In the back.

He's makin'
that special sauce.

Well, if it isn't
little Danny's mother.

I don't think the kid'll
need a mother anymore.

I think maybe tonight
he becomes a man.

Yeah,
how'd you figure that out?

Sadie was in here earlier.

Said something about
a bar mitzvah.

Ain't she kinda
robbin' the cradle?

He ain't in no cradle tonight,
friend.

Uh, the meatloaf's good.

You hear me?
Where'd she take him.

Hey, what's this all about?

This guy's nuts, Cal.

Well, what's going on here?

This bum set my friend up
with that Sadie dame,

and now he can't remember
where she lives.

- Sadie? How many ti--
- d'oh!

She lives around the corner.

933 elm street.

Third bedroom on the left.
Pink lingerie hangin'--

Pete, you're through.

No more excuses.
Just get out.

You'll never serve lunch
in this town again.

That's the last time
I hire a pimp.

D'oh.

Bill Haley!

[Chuckles]
Know what?

Just found out this place
is a brothel!

Ha. You believe this?

Well, I'll have
what he's having.

It's unforgiven meets
making the grade .

* la la la la la *

hey, Edie brickell's
in there.

Now why is she singing the theme
to the six million dollar man?

I don't know.

Good show.

* la la la *

what I wouldn't give
to be Mr. Bubble right now.

Hoo-hoo.

Well, what's your problem?

Sorry. Wrong room.

Melanie Griffith?

Are you waiting for a bus?

Uh, eh, well...

Get the heck out of here.

Hey, wait a second.

Bring mommy a beer.

I'll be right out.

Why do they have a bathtub
in the sitting room.

Well, turn your back.

Done.

Now what did I come in here for?

Danny who?

[Chuckles]

Now that really
appeals to...

Naked floor.

Well, hello there tassel feet.

Joel, when I grow up,
I wanna be a drifter.

How does that towel
stay in place?

Nice shirt.

Are you in the wrong room now?

I've never been
in a righter room in my life.

I don't know.

If this room is wrong,
I don't wanna be right.

You know what?

The problem is that
she looks like Kurt Russell

in tango and cash.

Do you know now?

Do you take mastercard?

I don't know
what room I'm in.

This hooker
is just prostituting herself.

D'oh.

You know,
being with a hooker's

just too much
of a commitment for him.

He can't handle it.

Well, I, uh...

I'll see you...

Yow!

Ooh.

I'll just check behind
this green door.

Hello?

Mrs. Uh, prostitute?

Danny?

Hmm?

Hey, she's got
a skunk costume.

It sounds like eubie Blake
is in the next room.

Hmm.

Uh, sir, there's no late seating
until intermission.

This is getting into
a weird area.

Cindy Brady, all grown up.

Hey, a coupon
for the frisco mill.

Now Sadie, girl.

We both know you ain't
that expensive.

Oh, you got me.

Come on. Put all that green
back where it belongs.

Oh, line.
What--what's my line?

Well now, I'm just not
getting through to you, am I?

Tell you what, take five
out for yourself.

'Cause that's just
what you're worth.

...cheap booze you used
to get him drunk.

Sadie,
I hate hittin' dames.

Oh, man. There's so much
not to like about this guy.

Owie. Stingy.

You know,
back in those days,

five bucks
was a lot of money.

Uh, what's a hundred
minus five?

Is this your...

Talk about
dipping into the till.

Didn't your mother
teach you any better?

Maybe you ain't dishonest.

Maybe you're just
illiterate.

Now you look real close.

See a "2" and an "0"
side by side like that

make 20, Sadie girl.

Oh.

Not five.

Uh, she's a prostitute.

You can't really shame her,
okay?

Ain't you a shame.

* tears fall like rain *

cocktail?

Sadie, don't.

You know,
why do all prostitutes

dress like Joan blondell?

Oh, he just broke Danny.

Oh.

You know, Danny should come
with his own tote.

You know, once again,
big has saved Danny

from a heterosexual
experience.

I'll, uh, just reschedule
at the front desk.

Buddy,
let's get you a nice, honest,

fresh hooker.

Oh, Danny.
You're killin' me.

Ah, they're at
the shady rent hotel.

Hmm.

Ugh.
I got a stummy ache, big.

Oh, he's gonna put Danny
down for a nap.

Little nappy.

Read me
"stinky cheese head man," okay?

Come back to bed, honey.
Oh.

You know, this guy's life

would have been a lot simpler

if he would have just
lost his wallet

and gone home.

Yep, definitely.

I could have ended up
like Bob crane.

Pa, it won't hurt to try.

Now look, honey.

Please.

All right,
I'll think about it.

Uh, you know I'm shrinking
at an alarming rate over here.

Good morning, boys.

Everything work out
okay last night?

Did you meet
my brother George?

I, uh, I let Pete go.

I don't hold with that
kind of thing in my place.

Yeah.

I'll be kinda short of help
for a while.

Hey, he's got
a TV's frank curl.

I'll have some
scrambled eggs and coffee.

I'll have a penicillin.

- Me too.
- Sure.

Stop the music.
My eggs are cold.

Ah, cha, cha, cha, cha.

He said they'll have
scrambled eggs and coffee.

Ask him, pa.
Go on. Ask him.

Uh, would you please
go out with my daughter.

- Nice day.
- For a white wedding.

Is he coming on to US,
big stupid?

[Whispers]
Don't order the toast.

Toast.

Oh, shh.

You know,
their drifting career

has really stalled.

Yeah, it's just me
and Carrie now for a while.

Sure could use somebody
to help out.

I'll be in Vegas next week
with Scott thorson.

I don't suppose
you'd be interested

in working for a spell?

Me? I get cold sweats
at the thought of it.

Why don't you, bix?

We're getting kinda low
on money.

- We'll manage.
- What about our nest egg?

We didn't plan
on hanging around.

Hey, it's the camay lady.

You, uh, really stuck?

Yeah.

He's got a gull wing toupee.

Oh, wormhole!

Five years later.

Big, where are the kids?

I just felt a chill of horror.
Honey?

Mm, how about some of those good
powder milk biscuits?

Heavens they're tasty.

Hmm.

What is it
with this creep?

He has you
shaking like a leaf. Why?

I don't like him,
and I guess he knows it.

He's always trying
to touch me.

Well, you are one of three
women in town.

I'll wait on him,
see if he'd like to touch me.

So you wanna--
hey, don't touch me.

He looks like a gargoyle.

- What'll you have?
- Antagonist special.

I want the girl
to wait on me.

She's busy.
I'll take your order.

- I want the girl.
- I said she's busy.

Well, will you put on a dress
and say, "may I help you?"

I'll come back
when she ain't.

You know, this new waiter's
just killing our business.

Ooh, what an odor. Urine
and Brussels sprouts, maybe?

You better get ready to go.
I'll take you home.

Okay.

Leaving?

Yep.
It's all yours, Danny boy.

Take over.

Be all by myself in here.

I'm stepping into
a pretty big apron here.

[Gasps]
Eric Carmen?

- No, you won't.
- Oh.

Well, uh, enjoy yourself.

You get a minute, you might
wait on the customers too.

Uh-huh.

All both of them?

You got a dime?

Ha. You know, back then a dime
was like having $1,000.

Yeah.

They're in the land
of the lost.

Watch out for sleestaks.

Romance strikes biosphere two.

I like it here
on omicron ceti III, Jim.

Big? You have a job now.

Could we maybe go to a movie
or something?

I've never been out
of sherman.

Well, it ain't the world.
There's a lot more than this.

I guess you've been about
almost every place there is.

Yeah, just about.

Seen it from the inside
of a boxcar,

but just about.

[Imitates sploosh]

There are
your damn rings.

Hey, you wanna bath?

Gee, I've never had
a bath before.

Oh, no, bix, you wouldn't.

Come on.

No!

- Come on.
- Stop!

Oh, think I broke my ankle...

Don't you ever get tired?

I mean, don't you ever feel
like you wanna stop?

And do what?

Well, stop and stay put
someplace.

A person's gotta belong
somewhere, doesn't he?

But nobody doesn't belong
to Sara Lee?

You see that?

Boom mic.
Picks up everything we say.

...roof over my head
for so long,

I wouldn't know
no other kind.

That is so out there.

Mm-hmm.

You get kinda lonesome
sometimes, don't you, Carrie?

Yeah, but I just throw myself
at a hobo, and...

Yeah, kinda figured...

I'll do the talking.

Don't let it get you.

Someday, some guy's
gonna come to town

and pick you out
over everybody else.

Over Millie
and the prostitute?

...bix?

Sure.

Before you know it,
you'll be in love.

* with super sugar crisp *

...you need to be in love
with some guy.

The right guy.

Lou.
The right guy. Lou.

How will I know?

* if he really loves me *

beats me.
I ain't no expert.

Well, then quit giving out
free advice.

Mm-hmm.

Well, come on, kid.
You better take me home.

I can't get my mind
off the rings.

Really love the rings.

I need the rings.
The rings. The rings!

[Whimpers]

Have you ever been in love?

Well, I liked a cat once.

No. Never stayed in one place
long enough.

Never wanted to.

I'm all screwed up inside.

Come on, kid.
I'll take you home.

It's getting late.

Would you stop calling me "kid"
and taking me home?

My blouse, it's caught.

Well, I gotta go.
I'll see ya.

You mean you can't move?

No, it's caught on.

Oh, well, well, well, well.

Well, this is a very
interesting situation here.

Well, now that
you're half undressed,

how about that bath now?

Oh, no.

He sees her
as half undressed.

I see her as 90% dressed.

Is this the way it happens?

Well, usually there's dinner
and a movie, but yeah.

Yeah.

Big,
do you have a sewing kit?

Hmm.

Oh.

Oh, it's the stage manager
from our town.

Oh, she still busy?

Can she wait on me?

He's actually one
of the better dressed men

in this town.

Mm-hmm.

The British are coming,
the British are coming.

Well, here we are.
2615 lovers Lane.

I can see pa's home.

Pa, pa, pa, pa--!

I didn't think
he'd be home this early.

Where's he been?

Nate cumming's son
is getting married.

They had a bachelor party
for him.

Sounds wild.

Well.

If it isn't
the great drifter,

kind of the hobos.

Kids have a nice time?

Yes, pa.

Looks like you did too.

Oh, you know me, honey.
I never drink much.

Yeah, let's see you drift,
you drifter.

Good night, bix.

Yeah.

Well, you mad?

You gonna hit--
hit me, drifter?

What's wrong?

You're drunk.

Yeah, Mr. Judgmental
over there.

Took a freight train
from Kansas City

and you're something special.
Ugh.

You know, big stupid is not
a very appealing leading man.

Oh, you got me there.

I'm drunk all right.

I'm out of ammo on that one.

Yeah, I'm gonna go...

Walk around in front
of the window in my underwear.

You're drunk too.

What's up?

Nothin'.

Big, I blew my paycheck
on another prostitute.

Sorry.

Did you have a fight
with Carrie?

- No.
- You?

Looks like blue boy
at the dinner table up there.

Cal Anders.
He was drunk.

Smelled like my old man.

Here it comes.

Even looked like him.

My old man.

Think I'll keep him.

Used to work me over regular

every time he got drunk.

And he got drunk every day.

So he worked me over
every day is the point.

Got to be routine.

It would, wouldn't it?

If he didn't slug me
when he came home,

I thought he was sick.

Was he?

One night I hit him back.

He fell down,
and he never got up again.

He was so full of booze,
he drowned in it.

[Laughs]
Sorry.

I killed him.

Uh, my dad missed
parents' night at glee club.

The doc said the fall
had nothing to do with it.

So I killed him too.

His heart just gave out.

But you said you killed him.

I did.

I pulled his heart out
and made it stop.

I wished him dead.

So how was your day?

Once I ate a whole
pack of snowballs

and I vomited
in the back seat.

- Okay.
- She's nude!

Say cheese, everybody.

Cheese.

They're losing their will
to drift.

Eat it all, kids.

I made it with my own
two dirty hands.

I bet you've got
a lot of hidden talent.

I don't keep nothin' hidden.
It all shows.

[All]
Ew.

Uh-uh.
What'll you give me for it?

What do you want?

If you have to ask,
forget it. Tiger.

Right.
Here's your dang dime.

[Whistle blows]

Huh?

Oh, time to drift.

Got drifting in my blood,
you know.

What's the matter?

Nothing.
I'll be right back.

I have to wipe him.

Your heart's showing.

I should plug that hole.

He's leaving soon.
I know he is.

So? He leaves and another
guy comes along.

What's the problem?

You go to the doctor,
you get some shots.

I love him, Peggy.

Do you?

It sounds like
the Robbie Douglas band.

There's no such animal.

What, is she Lydia lunch
over here?

Danny?

You have a weird body.

You homesick, kid?

I guess they're pretty
worried about me by now.

Ain't hard
to make a phone call.

The operator
does all the work.

No, not yet.
I'm not ready yet.

Well, maybe we ought
to be moving on.

She's kind of
stuck on you.

Ah, she's stuck
on another branch.

Maybe you're stuck on her too.

Now look, bright boy.

You start playing cupid,

I'm gonna throw you
to the fish.

Bluegills scare me.

We don't have to move on.
We could stay here for a while.

No, we'll leave
at the end of the week

just like we planned.

Whoa,
just cut my thumb off.

We been here
too long already.

Man, I don't know
what the problem is.

Maybe the three-bean salad.

Throw sand on it. Jeez.

Hey, you two.
How about a swim?

Oh, not yet, tiger.

You just finished eating.

We'll take a walk
with you, though.

All righty.

Coming?

How to stuff
a weird bikini.

Mm-hmm.

That was my favorite scene.

Here, smell this, will you?

Seeing Carrie tonight?

No, you take the night off.

Get yourself rolled.

- But I thought that--
- don't.

Every time you think,
it gives me a headache.

Seems to me you ought
to tell her then.

He should get a funnel.

She's not like other girls.

You ought to tell her
we're leaving soon.

Most girls you can just use.

I'll be in the back.

I have some supplies
to unpack.

Yeah, my heartbreaking tools
came in.

[Door opens]

[Gasps]
I got a customer.

Oh, what do I do?
What do I do?

Stay calm.
Stay calm.

Pervert burger.

By yourself, kid?

Yeah.

Where's the girl?

Carrie.

She...

Think, man.

She left early tonight.

She entered the witness
protection program.

I was kind of wondering
when you and your partner

were gonna leave.

You know, in this town,

we don't like people
coming in and taking things

that ain't theirs.

Call US persnickety.

You know what I mean?

Let me get you
some mexi skins.

[All]
Hi.

Bye.

Ammonia? Grass clippings?

What is that odor?

What is it with this creep?

Every time he shows up,
somebody gets the jitters.

I don't know.

It's something about him.

His eyes.

His overpowering stench.

He's not the harmless idiot
they think he is.

I am.

What'd he want?

Carrie.

This is like
a route 66 episode.

I'll take tonight off
after all, okay?

Sure.
I'd hate to meet him

in a dark alley some night.

What would you do?
Run?

Oh, that hurt.
Why can't you ever support me?

I got a hankering
to humiliate a drunk dad.

Oh, hi.

Has foster Brooks
stumbled out of bed yet?

Hi.

Where are you going?

Got a lot on my mind.

Thought I'd take a walk.

Hey,
will you show me that thing

with the egg
and the pop bottle again?

Come on.

Nice.

Okay now, Tom.

I don't want you doing this
on your own, okay?

Okay. Now egg-xactly
what's gonna happen again?

Well, what happens
is the fire burns up

all the oxygen
in the bottle,

and creates a vacuum...

Oh, and then the egg gets
sucked down into the bottle.

Cool.
What a neat experiment.

I'm Jack elam.
Ugh.

It says here
in the webelos handbook

that it should take about
two or three minutes.

Oh, look, it's Jack elam.

Place egg on top--

oh, hi.
Nice Jack elam costume, crow.

Egg will slip in the bottle.

So has it done it yet?

Uh, no.

Here are the goods you ordered.
Ugh.

No, don't bump the desk.
The egg.

Uh, don't talk to me.

I only wanna
deal with gypsy.

She around?

Uh, crow, we get that you're
dressed like Jack elam, okay?

Not just dressed like.

Am elam! Am Jack elam!

To live like the elam.

- The egg's moving!
- It is?

Uh, no. I guess not.

Look. Look. Look at me.

Look at me a sec.
Look, look.

I'll do that bouncy thing
he does.

You guys are a tough crowd.

Worked a long time on this.

That's great, crow.
You really look like him.

Yeah, crow,
but maybe you look

a little too much
like Jack elam.

Yeah, well,
maybe I do, servo.

What's wrong with that, huh?

Jack elam was a brilliant
character actor.

For all I know, he still is.

And you know what?

I've never been as Jack elam
as I am at this moment.

I am Jack elam.

And I don't need your pity.

Yes, you do.

What are you saying?

That I'm a total failure.

No, I'm saying that
you're a total failure

and you look like Jack elam.

Ugh.
You guys don't appreciate me.

Come on, let's go.

We got commercial sign,

and we gotta get a new egg,
all right?

Pardon me, crow.

Whoa!

I'm not Jack elam anymore.

I don't know.
Maybe a soft boiled egg.

Sorry.

...do something
you didn't like?

You're drunk, aren't you?

- Look, Carrie.
- You're so very.

I don't know
how to take you.

You say you're gonna wear
a yellow dress.

I don't know
what to do with you.

I'm a drifter, a nobody.

I ain't the guy
you been waiting for.

You ate him? Why?

I don't wanna hurt you.

I like you, daddy.
Like!

I'm no good for you, Carrie.

But i--I've never met
anyone like you.

Yeah, and if you're lucky,
you never will again.

Well,
you don't know anything.

Uh, thanks, I think.

Now's the time for you
to learn all the nice things.

I can't teach 'em to you.

I'm booked solid.

Things you learn from me,

you'd be better off
never knowing.

Like algebra. Ugh.

Ask your old man.

He's got me pegged right.

He knows I don't stay put.

I--i think
he'd like you to stay.

He said... [hiccups, slurs]
I'd like you to stay.

Inside of a week
he'd be pushing me around,

slapping me down.

Selling me
to foreign dignitaries.

Making me hit back.

Ah, heck. I'll stay.

It's no good,
you and me, Carrie.

It's just no good.

Love should be musky
and whiskery and bad.

Go on.

They're time traveling again.
Stop it.

If I'm something new to you...

Something nudey?

Then maybe I could teach you
something too.

How to crinkle-cut fries?

- Goodnight, Carrie.
- You're so very.

[Ominous music]

Yeah, how do you like
my theme music?

Big stupid did a great job
protecting her.

Jack, no. Drop her.
Drop her.

If it ain't little
Carrie Anders,

Ms. Innocence herself.

And you can stop play acting,

because I followed you
up here.

Stay away from me, Jesse.

Oh, he's taken on
a torgo quality.

Very torgo-esque.

And I wanted to kiss you.

No, no.
Hey, Jack, knock it off.

- No!
- Boo.

...don't hurt none.

And you can stop pretending

you're so Lily white.

Didn't I tell you
I was watching you and him?

[Carrie screaming]

Okay, goodnight, Carrie.

[All]
* big stupid to the rescue *

my big stupid!

Stop it!

There we go.

Down he goes.

Why did I wanna be him?

Hey, my eye went straight.
Thanks!

Just trying to kiss her.

She always says,
"no, no, Jesse."

Now Jack has
a legitimate beef there.

Someday you ain't
gonna be around.

To pick up the pieces

when somebody
breaks your heart.

Well, I'm gonna
leave you again.

He probably won't be back.
You'll be fine.

Let's go make
some of your dumb rings.

What time will you
be over tonight?

I don't know. I have to check
with Danny about something.

I'm right here.

But time's run out.
That's it isn't it, bix?

You better go on home.

Danny and I
will finish up here.

Yeah, finish up here.

But I ordered a tuna melt.

I have--i have
a surprise for you.

Something I wanna show you.

I got you that new seven iron.

I'll see you later.
Later tonight.

Are you ever gonna not
shoo me away?

I counted.
We have 87 straws, big.

87.

Hmm.

Does she know?

How should I know? Maybe she
does, maybe she doesn't.

Oh, good point.

Look, bix, i--i told you
we could stay here for a while.

At least
until you're ready to--

I'm ready now, man.

Hey, he called me man.

Are you... sure
you're doing the right thing?

Now ain't this crazy.
You givin' me advice.

I'm only trying to help.

Well, when I need your help,
you little punk,

I'll whistle for you.

Whistler's mother.

All of a sudden everybody
knows what's good for bix.

Even you.
But look at you.

You can't solve
your own problems,

but you got mine
all figured out.

I don't get it.

Well, who's asking you to?

Third base.

Who's asking
for any of this?

Look, I don't need you,
Danny boy,

and I don't need her.

Don't say me.
Don't say me.

So get off my back,
will you?

Go on.
Get out of here.

We're out
of French onion soup.

I said get out of here!

Don't you look at me
like that.

Go lay down outside.
Go lay down.

Bill koon said he'd give US
a lift out of town.

The truck pulls out
at 10:00 sharp.

That's great.
You'll be on it.

Oh, one last thing.
Could you work for me Monday?

Oh.

Men!

[Servo hums along to music]

[All imitate
soundtrack music]

* dun, dun, dun, dun *

that's barnaby Jones.

Oh, yeah.

Oh. Sorry.

You know,
she's so well trained,

she never leaves the yard.

Does all her business
in one little section.

- Carrie.
- So very.

Bix.

I--i was beginning
to think that you...

I--i had
the funniest feeling...

It seems to me
that you were...

I can't explain it.

I was just about to eat a...

There's only
a half a pound of...

It's true then, isn't it?

You're a Nazi.

You came to say goodbye.

Well, you made it easy.
See ya.

* oh, for the open road *

I don't know what I want.

Maybe you're it.
I just don't know.

Please.
Just yes or no.

Are you leaving tonight?

* are you leaving tonight *

* should I come back *

Carrie, listen.
I'll be back.

But I will.
I--i need time.

I have to think.

I have to go through
a visioning process.

I tried to give you
a reason for staying,

but you wouldn't let me.

Come on, kid.
I'll take you home.

Oh.

All my life I never
belonged to nobody.

[Whimpers]
Anybody.

I learned to live with it.
I even learned to like it.

How nice for you.

Try to understand, Carrie.

I didn't want this.
I didn't wanna get close.

It just happened.

And I ain't sure
if it's for me.

Aren't sure.

She's gonna blow!

Maybe I gotta learn
what it is to need someone,

to be needed.

You're stepping on the ball
of my foot.

Carrie.

You're so very.

So Danny tells me
you killed your dad.

I gotta take
Danny's sitter home.

I'm going back
to the enterprise, Carrie.

Oh, yeah, that reminds me,

when can I get
my last paycheck?

Oh, I'll get it later.

Trying to make these buildings
explode as I walk by,

but it's not working.

Memories,
like the corners of my mind...

This is where he used to say,

"I'd better
take you home, kid."

* sad young girl
from lovers Lane *

my battalion's
moving out soon.

Gene Kelly.
Oh.

I can't wait any longer.
I'm late now.

* gotta dance *

* gotta dance *

something's bothering her.

Hmm.

[Sobbing]

This is where
we used to eat dirt.

This man could win $5,000!

Hey, uh, if you're drunk,
it's okay.

Shovel your walk?

Uh, oh, it's summer.
That's right.

I'll see if she's out here.

Maybe I can call her kid
and take her home.

* in lovers la-- *

look, a buffalo-head nickel.

Carrie.

Have you seen my keys?

Carrie, who did it?

And do you have someone
to cover your shift tomorrow?

My dress...

It has ruffles on it.

Those ruffles have ridges.

Hold on. I'm still
talking about my dress.

I love you.

[Screams]

Oh, edvard munch is here.

What was that?

I don't know.
I just arrived in this film.

I'll go find out.

No, don't go.

Look, you stay right here.

But your pants.

Carrie.

Forgive me.

For I have sinned,

and it's been three weeks
since my last confession.

Carrie, you were right.

A guy does have to belong
to somebody.

I belong to William Conrad.

Carrie...

Oh, Carrie.

Oop. Sorry. Didn't know you
were posing for a romance novel.

We drove onto a movie set.
Let's get out of here.

What was it?

We've gotta go
get the sheriff.

The cafe heiress
has been killed.

She died.

And she was so very.

In my arms.

You told me that.

Man, they're really packing
in the new characters

at the end of this movie.

* this is the night
the lights went out *

* in wherever they are *

what a night.

* late September
back in '63 *

this has been a peaceful
town for 20 years.

Yeah.

There's gonna be trouble.

Can't you understand that?

Please.
I'm brooding.

I loved her.

I never got a chance
to tell her.

She has to order
more frying medium.

She cried.

Can you beat that?
A beautiful thing like her

crying over a slob like me?

Listen to me.

You're stuck here.

Have you ever seen
a lynch mob?

Uh, in a play once.

And what do you think
that silence means out there?

That everyone's asleep?

Listen, when you kill
in this town,

you get a stern lecture
from the sheriff.

By morning, that silence

will be the loudest noise
you've ever heard.

Oh, well--huh?

She died so easy.

Like she'd done it before.

Didn't take much.

All you had to do
was murder her.

Now I'm gonna be late
for the James drury convention.

The dress,
it had ruffles on it.

And ridges.

She was wearing
the yellow dress.

I didn't even notice.

Until I tried it on.

We can and will hold this
against you, son.

Although it's weird.

All right, now.
Show's over.

Well, I checked
that whole area up there.

Whose?

Couldn't find a thing.

He tell you anything?

I can't reach him.

You better put him in a cell.

Eh, I'm gonna go home
and watch dorf on golf.

You want the...
Tonight?

And then
we'll have to load these.

I don't envy you that job.

Genuine mausers.

Got 'em from the kaiser.

Been a long time
since we've had to use 'em.

Boy, he's just really
peeved about this murder.

What do you say, mack?

- Hi, bill.
- Gotta dance, Jack.

How about checking
this right front tire?

It feels kind of low.

Sure.

[Deep voice]
Feeling mighty low.

Well, I guess sherman's really
buzzing with excitement, huh?

Sherman hemsley.

He was gonna do
jeffersons live.

...murder in a town
that size.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, you got
your head up your--

yeah, my brother in law
phoned a couple hours ago

and said some girl by the name
of Anders was killed.

Saw it on
matlock.

Carrie Anders.

Carrie?

Yeah, did you know her?

She was my friend's girl.

Well, don't worry.
They got the punk who did it.

Some stranger.

They ought to hang the bum.

You gotta take me back.

Now, look.
You know i--

- $20.
- I've gotta--

- 30!
- Sold American.

Car okay?

Yeah, it's okay.

Well, I do gotta dance.

Relax, kid.
You're on your way.

Well, Danny sure
can charm the older set.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, I'm just so beat
from loading all them guns.

Hup!

Hold it.
Hold it right there.

- What are you gonna do?
- Bring him out.

- Panty raid.
- Bring him out here now, Tom.

Don't do this, Cal.

You don't know
that he killed Carrie.

But what you're doing
is murder.

- Give me the keys.
- Listen to me.

No, you listen to me.

Are you gonna
bring him out here,

or do I have to go
get him myself?

I lost my best waitress.

Jim, come out here.

Should I draw my--
oh.

Put 'em in a cell.

Put 'em both in a cell.

If you can't afford a lawyer,

the court will appoint one
for you.

Think what you're doing.

I'm sorry I called you
a drunk a while back.

Wow.

I'm gonna beat you, boy.

Beat you till you
can't stand up.

Turn you over to the others.

Hey, that sounds--oh.

You gotta believe me.
I wasn't--

get him out of there.

They took turns at big stupid,

and there was
three of them.

Where's my daily planner?

Gotta leave a note
for myself.

Oh, we got him.
We got him.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Whoa. They're taking him
way out of town.

We got him. We got him.
We got him.

Can't you go any faster?

We're doing the limit now.

And I got one of them
bumper stickers

that says if you don't
like my drivin'--

I wouldn't hurt her.

I loved her!

You loved her?

That's great!

She tied you down.
That's what you said.

I heard you myself.

No. No.

Carrie's dad really shines
in a crisis.

Why did you do it?
My beautiful little girl.

Gollum. Gollum.

Why don't you hit back?

Hey, that guy's taking credit
for my murder.

Hey, uh, anybody sitting here?

Can I squeeze in?
Yeah. Thanks.

You dirty punk.

Why? Why did you do it?

[Goofy laughter]

Actually, it's really
more ironic

than funny, isn't it?

That truck looks like
an English bulldog.

Oh.

Eh, back off, wormy.

What are you doing?

Ooh,
good wood on that one.

Let me through.
I said let me though.

Please let me through.
I'm a hobo.

Get up. Get up!

You're fired.

Get him up.

Think they'll get him up?

I think I killed
your daughter. Oh.

Looks like Jack's
doing an open stage.

- Jesse.
- Now Jerome.

Oop. Gotta go
get them pot stickers

out of the wok.

Trying to look at nobody,
and I'm looking at everybody.

Isn't that the trail boss
from wagon train?

Get up and fight!

That sequence is over.
Let's get him!

Yay!

He's at the 20.
Good open field tackle.

Don't pass out on me now.

Not yet. No, no, no, no.
Don't pass out on me now.

Get up.

Didn't touch her.

I didn't touch her.

I'll bet you didn't.

Hey, look what I found.

It's a Danny o'day dummy.

You get over there
and tell them what you did.

I didn't touch her.

I didn't mean to kill her.

Ha. Nobody can say
they coerced it out of him.

She was trying to scream.

I didn't mean to kill her.

Well, I didn't mean
to kill her so much.

* gotta dance *

i--well,
you had to be there.

* wonderful, marvelous *

keys are in the other door.

* Moses supposes
his toeses are roses *

* Moses supposes erroneously *

hey, don't you want
your $20 and your new suit?

* dun, dun, dun,
dun, dun, dun... *

quick, move his head.

He may have
a spinal injury.

Aim it just right.
There.

They gotta get some more women
in this town.

Mm-hmm.

Big, how about a burger
with all the trimmings?

He's the one.
You made a mistake.

[Imitates Frankenstein grunting]

Hey, somebody
wanna grab Jack, uh...

Be a good idea.

This came in
a couple of days ago.

I didn't know
we had a celebrity in town.

You're Scott thorson.

There's the phone, boy.

So can I hit you just once?

Never got a chance to.

I was locked up in here.

He should sue 'em.

'Cause even
if it was just $100,

back in those days--

yeah.

He was wrong.
He'll pay for it.

Carrie's dead.

And you almost were.

Long distance, please.

I'd like to make
a collect call

to Mr. or Mrs. John winslow.

In larchmont.

Tell Danny I'll be back.

He'll be back.

Dad?

[Imitates click, dial tone]

It's great to hear
your voice too.

Hopped a freight, met a guy,

he got beat up,
I got beat up,

he met a girl.

That's swell, dad.

You're gonna kill
a fatted calf?

Well, look, it's too long
to go into now,

but I'm bringing
someone home with me.

A friend.

Oh, oh,
and he killed his dad,

so don't bring that up,
okay?

Oh, siddhartha.

[Gasps]

Black gold. Texas tea.

[Carrie]
I love the rings they make

when they hit the water.

Yeah, well, there you go.

Have you ever been in love?

Well, I was,
but she died.

Golly, I'm stupid.

I'm dumber than
an eight-pound hammer, I am.

Bix. Bix.

You know,
I'd like to see you

in a yellow dress
with ruffles.

Come on, bix.

We're going home.

Come to daddy.

And so bix and Danny
left the...

Oh, sorry.

Come on.

One weird-ass movie.

See the further adventures
of Danny and bix

this fall on nbc.

Joel.

Mm-hmm.

Tom and I have been
horribly scarred

by the way this movie ended,

and that means
we're filled with rage.

[Both growling]

Whoa, just back off,
you guys.

You can write a different
ending if you want.

Huh?

Yeah, it's just fiction.

I mean, you don't have to accept
the ending they hand you.

Wow.

Oh, okay. Um, um, oh.

Oh, just a minor change.

What would happen if the nice
restaurant woman lived?

You think it even
occurred to 'em?

And instead,
Jack elam is, uh...

- Gone.
- Right!

And then big stupid
and Danny get a Grant

and they renovate the cafe.

A real chili's feel,
without all the chili's crap.

You know, a fun place
for a birthday, Joel.

Free hats, prize buckets,

you know.
Hoopdie doodie.

Uh, how's this?

Uh, Jack elam
is kidnapped by aliens.

Mean aliens.

Sure, mean aliens.

Then big stupid and
his little pal leave that town

'cause they're driftwood,

and then
the apocalypse happens,

and dinosaurs
roam the land,

and they capture dinosaurs
and they tame them,

and they ride 'em
like horses.

And we see the bond
between man and lizard,

etcetera, etcetera.

Uh, crow, aren't you
getting a little bit

away from the movie?

Bear with me?

Then there are pygmies.

Oh, yeah!

We live in a vast
pygmy kingdom.

Okay, let's, uh, read
a couple of letters here, okay?

This one's from Steve
of union town, Ohio.

Put that on--

oh, oh.
The pygmies have lain hidden

throughout the eons,
and they are wise,

and they disdain you
with their stinking machine!

Ugh.

Okay, and, it says, uh,

"my sister thinks
servo's so cute.

What is gypsy's last name?"

- And--
- oh, oh, I've got it.

The pygmies are poison
if you touch 'em,

so don't touch 'em!

Yeah, it would be a mistake.

Okay, and for
the invention exchange,

she should have
a garbage disposal trash can.

So that's from...

They can tell when you're
thinking bad thoughts about 'em,

so don't even think about 'em.

You see, 'cause...

Okay, and this one
is from Suzie bell

of Rochester, New York.

She sent a picture.
Put that on--

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Okay, okay. What?

Oh, then you fall in love
with a pygmy.

Okay.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Okay.
And then she writes,

"I like the time
when you sing..."

And the moral, you see,
is never love a pygmy.

- Because they're immortal.
- Yeah.

- And they can fly.
- Mm-hmm.

And you can't fly.

So you see,
your heart's naturally...

Okay. And then she writes,

"I like your show so much,

I give it 100 plus 100
equals 200."

You see what happens is then

the pygmies get a bus,

and they drive
all the way to Hollywood.

Florida.

Florida.
Yeah.

They're coming
from Hollywood.

This is from Rebecca
of appleton, Wisconsin,

and she writes, uh,

"dear Joel, gypsy, Tom--"

Peter lawford
and Peter lorre

were in this film
with them in Hollywood,

and then their heads
started exploding

when they went across
the desert

and were headed
towards Florida.

Uh, wait.
We gotta work on this.

"How come crow always
gets time outs for being sassy?

I think Joel--"

Peter lawford and Peter lorre

can be called Pete and re-Pete.

'Cause its...

"Joel is a little
hard on 'em.

"Anyway, I think Joel should
get a time out for once.

What do you think?"

And then they head
for the stars.

Yeah. Yeah.

And then you learn
some kind of lesson.

And then you go home.

Now that's
a better ending.

Mm-hmm.

Ah, what do you think, sirs?

No, frank.
No more alternate endings.

No, wait.
Hear me out on this.

Now, I envision big stupid
as pure energy.

- Pure energy?
- Yes.

I'm fascinated.
Frank, step this way.

He's plucky pure energy.

Plucky pure--

pure energy with a heart.

Lay down there, and, uh,
if you would,

hold this railroad spike
on your skill.

Sure.

Now, I envision
a moment of truth.

Now, there could be lots
of adventurous scenes--

here's a moment of truth.

Oh!

Well.

I also see a role
for Charles durning in this.

There could be--oh!

Till next time, Joel.

Then there could be
another scene--

oh!

Are you waiting for a bus?