Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 6, Episode 8 - Operation Double 007 - full transcript

(playful music)

♫ In the not too distant future

♫ Next Sunday, A.D.

♫ There was a guy named Joel

♫ Not too different from you or me

♫ He worked at his Gizmonic Institute

♫ Just another face in a red jumpsuit

♫ He did a good job cleaning up the place

♫ but his bosses didn't like him

♫ so they shot him into space

♫ We'll send him cheesey movies

♫ The worst we can find

♫ La la la

♫ He'll have to sit and watch them all

♫ And we'll monitor his mind

♫ La la la

♫ Now keep in mind Joel can't control

♫ Where the movies begin or end

♫ La la la

♫ Because he used those special parts

♫ To make his robot friends.

♫ Cambot

- [Voiceover] Hi, girl

- [Voiceover] What a cool guy

- [Voiceover] He's a wisecracker.

♫ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes

♫ and other science facts

♫ La la la

♫ Then repeat to yourself

♫ It's just a show

♫ I should really just relax

♫ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♫

(doors closing)

- Oh now, what is this?

Oh, this is my second grade piano recital.

Hey Gypsy, wake up, check this out.

(poorly played piano music)

Oh, you actually get a
feeling for what it was like

to really be there.

- Oh yeah, this is really interesting.

- Oh, Joel, these are fascinating,

now who took these?

- Uncle Roy.

- Oh yeah, the guy with the mole.

- Right, exactly.

Gypsy, come check this out.

- So cute!

- Hi everybody.

Welcome to the Satellite of Love.

Well, you can probably tell by now

that Joel just transferred

all his old home movies to videotape.

- You know what?

I think this is that picnic we took

up to Kashcanan Mounds.

- Kashcanan Mounds?

- I'm kind of worried about Tom Servo.

- Oh, watch what I do now.

Gypsy, check this out.

- You pulled the shorts down.

(laughter)

- Now that's funny.

- Yeah.

- Hey, are those Minnie's kids there?

- No, that's Brett and Brenda,

they're Brian and Bridget's kids.

Minnie's kids are...

- Oh, Ray and Tony.

- Right, and Teresa.

- Oh yeah, this is fascinating.

- Tommy don't go in too far.

- Hey, look what I found.

Swing Choir.

- Swing Choir?

♫ The world is black

♫ The world is white.

("MST3K theme")

- All right, explain to me again

how this bulk eraser
fell out of the closet

and onto these home movie transfers

when the closet isn't
anywhere around here?

- Yeah, weird, isn't it?

- Yeah.

- No matter, I've got
duplicates in my foot locker.

- Yeah, I know.

I found those.

- Oh, Marilynn McCoo and
Billy Davis, Jr, are calling.

Crow.

- Ah, Joel.

I wonder if you wouldn't indulge me today?

Frank's been down a bit lately,

and well,

when the poor fella's not shuffling

head-down through the lab,

he's locked himself in his room

watching old "Misfits
of Science" episodes,

So, to pick him up,

I thought I'd let him do this
week's invention exchange.

Really put the spark back in. (giggles)

- [Voiceover] Dr. F, I'm ready
for this week's invention.

- We're ready for you, Frankie.

- Right.

My invention exchange this week,

the fully-lined, leather sprinkler pants

that I like to call,

"Lederhosen."

Hosen.

Now I can schottische
while watering my plants.

(giggles weakly)

In my lederhosen.

Hosen.

♫ La la la la la la la la la

♫ La la la la la la la la la ♫

(cries)

I just wanted to wear lederhosen, okay?

It's a stupid invention,

I admit it.

I just wanted to be Bavarian
for one brief shining moment.

Is that so wrong? (weeps)

- Oh, Frank.

Yes, it is wrong.

Deeply wrong.

But you've been under
a lot of stress lately.

Tell you what,

we'll get you an alpenhorn,

would that make you feel better?

- Yes! (sings, crying)

- Why don't you go on with
your invention exchange, Jim?

- It's Joel,

and if you'll indulge me, your Hinderness,

I'd like to turn over this
week's invention exchange

to our own Crow T. Robot.

- Thanks, Joel.

The vulture,

long associated with pestilence and death,

is in reality a clean and helpful bird,

who is quite easy to get along with.

So to improve his image,

I invented Sara,

the Bobbing Buzzard.

- Sara?

- Yeah.

Based on the water drinking bird,

this friendly carrion-eater

cleans up roadkill or table scraps.

- That's great, Crow.

- Yeah, it kinda looks like you, Crow.

- I think you'll agree

there are few sights in nature

as beautiful as a plump member
of the cathartidae family

pulling a sinewy string of fetid meat

off a weak, dead Thomson's gazelle.

(Tom Servo chuckles nervously)

There's a theme song.

Wanna hear it?

- Uh, sure Crow.

♫ Bobbing buzzard

(caws three times)

♫ Bobbing buzzard

(caws three times)

♫ Bobbing buzzard ♫

(scat sings)

- What do you think, Forrester?

(blows alpenhorn)

- Your movie this week, Joel...

(coughs)

Stars the...

(coughs)

- Ricola?

- Oh, thank you Frank.

Would you just get back there?

Your experiment this week, Joel,

(alpenhorn sounds) stars
Sean Connery's brother Neil,

and they're more than
happy to tell you that.

It's called "Operation Double 007."

And now,

I have to strangle Frank.

- Help!

(blows alpenhorn)

♫ Bobbing buzzard ♫

(caws three times)

by Crow.

(alarm goes off)

(shouting)

(doors opening)

(Crow scat singing)

- [Joel] Stop.

- [Tom] Hey, assault on a queen.

- [Crow] The Danny Bonaduce story.

("Se Chiami Amore" by Christy)

(chuckles)

♫ He gives me the
feeling maybe it's love ♫

- [Joel] Mutiny on the Betsy.

(laughter)

- [Crow] Good thing they
have an espresso machine.

- [Tom] "Get over here
and turn the music down."

- [Joel] "Like this?"

(blows whistle)

- [Joel] "All hands on me!"

♫ He knows how to make
a girl fall in love ♫

(Tom singing) ♫ He eats
tuna salad sandwiches ♫

♫ He tells me

♫ He loves me ♫

- [Joel] Honey.

♫ And I look at his eyes
and give him my love ♫

- [Crow] Is there anything
this guy doesn't do?

- [Joel] Kid power!

- [Tom] I sailed to Tahiti
with an all-girl crew.

And all I got was this wet t-shirt.

(laughter)

♫ Anyone can see he is the man for me ♫

- [Crow] Uh-oh.

You know when there's four
people on a screenplay,

there's gonna be trouble.

- [Tom] Yup.

♫ The one for me

♫ The one for me

♫ Anyone can see ♫

- [Joel] You know, I'm suddenly
hungry for Cracker Jacks

and I don't know why.

♫ Because he holds me

♫ He wants me, yeah ♫

(Tom singing) ♫ He sat
on his glasses once ♫

- [Crow] Sure would like to
get permission to come aboard.

(Joel singing) ♫ He likes to wear mittens

(Crow singing) ♫ He's
got a deviated septum

(Tom singing) ♫ He's a
real big fan of Delta Burke

(Joel singing) ♫ He gets
his hair cut on Tuesdays

(Crow singing) ♫ He prefers
stuffing to potatoes

(Tom singing) ♫ His favorite
movie is "Turner and Hooch"

(all three singing) ♫
Hooray for Santi Claus

- [Crow] This guy can't
possibly live up to

this song they wrote about him.

He's probably just an
accountant named Wallace.

- [Joel] So you're
saying you like this guy?

♫ He holds me

♫ He wants me, yeah ♫

- [Tom] Oh no, please don't hold back.

How do you really feel?

♫ He's the only one I
ever fell in love with

(Crow whining)

- [Crow] Women who sing too much.

- [Tom] And the men they sing about.

♫ He is the man

♫ The man for me ♫

- [Crow] Port of call, Cindy.

(whistling)

♫ He is the man

♫ The man for me

- [Tom] Oh, Ennio.

♫ He is the man

♫ The man for me

♫ He is the man ♫

- [Tom] Now, this is one naughty navy.

- [Crow] We do more hair
and makeup before breakfast

than most people do all day.

- [Joel] Hey, it's the Old Spice guy.

- [Crow] (sniffs) It is.

(airplane overhead)

- [Tom] Must be one of those airplanes

I've heard them talk about so much lately.

- [Joel] Ah, Paul Williams' lunch box.

"Stay there, my friend."

- [Tom] "No one else has a
lunch anywhere as good as mine."

- [Crow] "We now return
to 'Ship of Fools.'"

(engine buzzing)

- [Crow] 'Scuse me.

('60s spy music)

(Joel singing) ♫ You taught me how to ♫

- [Tom] You know, if
William Conrad were there,

they could watch a letterbox version.

(laughter)

- [Crow] If he wants
to change the channel,

does he get another woman?

- [Tom] Oh yuck she's
Flowbee-ing his back.

- [Joel] "Oops, uh. Wrong room."

- [Tom] "Should I come back?

"Yeah I'll come back."

(Tom humming)

- [Crow] Oh thank God,

I thought we were gonna
see his naked butt.

- [Joel] "Thank you, sir,
I'll bill your room."

- [Tom] "Hello, I'm Merv Griffin."

- [Joel] "I was just gonna press pause,

"but nah."

- [Crow] "What's it like
being the TV, Cindy?"

- [Tom] "Well, it's better
than Flowbee-ing his back."

- [Crow] "Now showing on my back,

"'Morgan Stewart's Coming
Home' at two, four, six,

"and eight."

- [Joel] "Yes? May we help you?"

- [Tom] "When did I hire you?"

- [Crow] This is one great Motel 6.

- [Tom] Ah, the life, huh?

- [Joel] "Thank you for touching me, sir.

"That will keep me going
for the entire day."

- [Crow] "Eleanor? Is this your robe?"

- [Tom] They're on the PMS Pinafore.

(laughter)

(retro sci-fi machine noises)

- [Crow] Someone's on a pogo stick.

- [Tom] Huh?

- [Joel] What?

(all three) Oh.

- [Joel] "Um, it's been nearly two minutes

"since anyone's fondled you, sir."

- [Joel] "Susan, it's for you."

- [Crow] "Tell him I'm not here."

- [Tom] "Hey, Buck."

(imitates robot noises)

- [Joel] Now wait a minute,

how is it that he gets color on his girl,

but only black and white on his TV?

- [Crow] What's Moneypenny doing there?

Isn't that a conflict of interest?

- [Joel] Oh that's nice,

they have a bar sign
up there for the pilot.

- [Tom] They have a very loose
dress code at this business.

(airplane engine)

- [Crow] Tora!

Just the one.

- [Tom] "Hm, I like planes."

- [Joel] "Um, is this a cyst
on the back of your head?"

(airplane engine)

- [Tom] "Up yours!" (giggles)

(satellite beeping)

- [Joel] "Come in, Thunderbirds."

- [Tom] "Johnny Astro, real radar."

- [Crow] "Claude Rains pops the clutch

"and tells the world to eat his dust."

(Tom sings)

- [Joel] "James Brolin in, 'The Car.'"

- [Crow] "Michael, I want all episodes

"of Captain Nice burned."

- [Tom] "Oh my God,
Herbie's gone bananas!"

(gun fire)

('60s style action music)

- [Crow] "This is Bob going
to my imminent death."

- [Joel] "A Screen Gems presentation."

(explosion)

- [Tom] "The late Waldo Pepper."

- [Crow] "Thanks for the
'all clear,' Moneypenny."

(mysterious orchestral music)

- [Tom] Suddenly, she's a coffee table.

- [Joel] "You know I love my torsos."

- [Crow] No, no.

- [Tom] Nope, no.

- [Joel] No, uh-uh.

(all three) Ew!

- [Crow] I think I know
why Thunderball was a hit.

You never saw him kiss anyone in it.

- Hurry.

- [Tom] "This is Rita
Braver reporting to you

"live from Krakatoa,

"east of Java."

- [Joel] "Here come the clowns!"

(singing circus music)

- [Crow] "There might be
bees burning in there.

"I've gotta save 'em!"

(exhales)

(sniffing)

- [Tom] "Something smells good."

- [Joel] "Hey, look what I found,

"I think it's a guy."

- [Crow] "He's Cajun now,

"better call Paul Prudhomme."

- [Tom] "I'm gonna run in the sprinkler.

"Whoopee!"

(suspenseful music)

- [Joel] You know there's probably nothing

but bass jigs in there.

- [Crow] "Gillette Foamy is so think,

"it can put out this fire."

- [Tom] "Guys? I'm gonna go start lunch.

"I'll meet you back at the ranch.

"Sandwiches again?

"Okay, see you later."

- [Voiceover] It's too late, he's dead.

- [Voiceover] All right,
help me get him out of here.

Let's lift him up.

("MST3K theme song")

('60s action music)

- [Joel] "Quick, some lip blusher."

- [Tom] "Oh, this game again."

- [Crow] "Thanks, Roy,
I appreciate your help."

- [Joel] Now, why is she
dressed like Barney Rubble?

- [Tom] Mustang Sally, you
better slow that Mustang down.

- Hello, Maya speaking.

Ward died in the explosion.

- [Crow] "Is that okay?"

- I have the box with me.

Over.

- Fine.

Now let's get to work on his girlfriend.

The Japanese.

- [Joel] "Oh and,

"happy Secretary's week,

"I bought you a gun."

(Tom singing) ♫ How will
you make it on your own ♫

- It's up to you, now.

This time, I want the girl alive.

I've got a few questions to ask her.

- [Crow] "Oh and, lose the Ringo hat."

(loud '60s orchestral music)

(cry out in surprise)

- [Crow] "Sir? You're
not wearing any pants."

- [Tom] The banks of circle pines.

- [Crow] "New city ordinance.

"All buildings to be painted beige."

- [Tom] "Get Kristie Wong."

See, this is what happens
when you bob for French fries.

- [Voiceover] Gentlemen, here we have

a practical example of the
theories I have illustrated.

- [Joel] "I suggest we oxicute them."

- Two weeks ago, the patient you see here,

Ms. Yachuko,

sustained first and second degree burns--

- [Tom] "At my hands."

- On her face

as shown on the slides.

- [Crow] "I'm looking
for fang." (evil laugh)

- They called me here
from Edinburgh last week.

When I saw this girl's condition--

- [Tom] "I heaved."

- I decided to operate immediately

before scar tissue began to form.

I'm glad to be back
here in time to show you

the results of this operation personally.

- [Joel] "It's great to be here,

"thanks for supporting live surgery."

- [Voiceover] Fantastic.

- [Crow] "Now, Michael
Jackson's journey is complete."

- A miracle in plastic surgery,

don't you think?

- A miracle, yes.

- [Voiceover] "Plastic
surgery?" (high pitched sigh)

- [Joel] "She's turning Japanese,

"I really think so."

- The results are due not only
to modern surgical technique,

but also to an ancient Tibetan process

defined as "the hypnotic
process of total recall."

It differs from the usual hypnosis

in that it allows us to operate

with the complete surrender
of the subconscious--

- [Crow] Wiener.

- And thus obtain the
patient's collaboration.

- [Tom] Zicardo.

- Doctor.

(speaks foreign language)

- [Crow] He's asking
when the buffet starts.

- Doctor Huphung was asking me

if it would be possible
to make a demonstration

of hypnosis of total recall.

- [Tom] "No."

- This experiment requires the outlay

of a great deal of energy.

- Why don't you try it?

- [Joel] "Why don't you, buddy?"

- No no, not the young lady.

- [Tom] "Her hat's too big."

- Excuse me, doctor,

I really thought that
I was just whispering.

- Actually, it's my fault.

I didn't hear you,

but I am capable of lip-reading.

I would say the young lady
is not an ideal subject

for this sort of thing.

- [Joel] "'Cause she's hot."

- She appears to have unusual will-power.

I'm afraid it would take too long.

- [Tom] "I found that out the hard way."

- However, we have Ms. Yachuko,

with whom I have already
conducted experiments

of the same type

and it would simplify things
if Ms. Yachuko would agree.

- [Crow] "Thank you
Mr. Connery's brother."

(chatter)

Gentlemen, please.

- [Joel] "Watch Neil rock."

- [Tom] "Give me a second
here." (clears throat)

"Sleep!"

(suspenseful music)

- [Joel] "All right, here's the church,

"here's the steeple,

"open the door and go to sleep-le."

- [Crow] "The Sixth Sense,

"with Gary Collins."

- [Tom] The Powers of Matthew Star.

- [Joel] You know, is Rick
Wakeman on the premises?

- [Crow] The cast of Jacques
Brel arrives on the scene.

- Now Ms. Yachuko has lost
direct contact with time.

- [Tom] "She thinks she's
in Dresden during the war."

- Her life from the maternal womb right up

to the present day is at our disposal.

It can be totally brought
back if we so desire,

because every experience
she has lived through

has been registered on her subconscious.

- [Joel] "We're from the yearbook."

- And with greater precision than

the most highly developed
electronic brain.

- [Crow] Let's pance her subconscious.

(chatter)

(growling)

- That'll be enough for now.

What are you doing?

Leave her alone.

- [Joel] "I have her till Tuesday."

(action music)

- [Crow] "The Rodney King
verdict just came in."

- [Joel] Nancy Sinatra's kicking ass!

- [Tom] Uh oh, Lyn Nofziger fights back.

- [Voiceover] Not exactly
Jackie Chan, is it?

- [Joel] Everybody stop flipping.

- [Tom] "I'm not a hugger, please."

- [Crow] "You hurt me."

- [Joel] "You know I can read lips.

"Did I tell ya I can read lips?

"I'm reading lips right now."

- [Tom] "Naughty little girl."

- [Crow] Sam Donaldson.

- [Joel] Tales from the dark side.

- [Tom] "They need
coffee in there, quick!"

- [Crow] "It's Michael Cane,

"look out!"

- [Joel] "Well that was easy.

"Jeeze, I'm already
running ahead of schedule."

- [Tom] "I wonder who that could-- ow!"

- Get out.

Just hurry.

- Right.

- [Crow] "We just came
to beat everybody up.

"We're leaving now, thanks."

- I hate to be interrupted
when I give a lecture.

- [Tom] Poor Jud Fry is dead.

(chatter)

(romantic music)

- This man is dead.

- [Joel] No duh.

- Yes, unfortunately I
found myself distracted.

So I used the sublime attemi.

It's fatal.

- Don't tell me, doctor,

that there's anything that
would be able to distract you.

- Oh yes, for instance,

when a charming girl keeps
gazing out of the window

while a brawl's going on.

- [Tom] (chuckles) Get it?

- It's your fault if my jaw is broken.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

But what can I do to make it up to you?

- [Crow] "Paint my house?"

- What do you suggest?

- [Joel] Come on, you guys, let's go.

- [Tom] I've got an idea
for a kind of neat scenario

or a scene, maybe.

(doors closing)

- Joel's really gone off
the deep end this time.

- I'll say.

- All I know is in this outfit

I feel like a total femme.

You know what?

I don't have a problem with it. (laughs)

('60s action movie music)

- All right, time for my daily back rub.

Who's going to do the honors?

- Joel, none of us have working arms.

- I know.

('60s action movie music)

- Hey Joel, what is that thing?

- It's all part of my diabolical plan.

- But it's just a useless
prop that you built.

It's not even connected to anything.

- I know.

('60s action movie music)

(kisses Crow)

- Joel, is there any point to this?

I've got a lot of work to do.

Would you mind telling us
what this is all about?

That's it.

('60s action movie music)

- I've had enough.

- Joel, you're ruining it for me.

- I know.

- [Crow] Really funny sketch, Joel.

- [Joel] I know.

- [Voiceover] Wait until
the judge gives his verdict.

What else can you do?

Don't forget we have a
corpse to deal with here.

- [Tom] Corpse?

- And Ms. Yachuko's disappeared, too.

Sorry, doctor.

- [Joel] "I'm talking to Fudgy the Whale."

- You are to remain at our disposal

until the investigation is over.

- How long will that take?

- We're moving as fast as we can,

but please don't set foot
outside the limits of Monte Carlo

until you get the okay from us.

- But I have to go back
to Columbia University.

I have some operations that are waiting.

I can't remain here indefinitely.

- [Crow] "The former Ms. Moneypenny, sir."

- Your Highness.

- [Voiceover] There's your man, Commander.

- [Tom] "I hope you'll
be very happy together."

- [Joel] "Oh, he's hardly Sean, I realize,

"but he comes cheap."

- [Crow] The Osterman Weekend.

- Ms. Yachuko was right.

- [Tom] "That's an ugly beard."

- You can see the resemblance.

- [Joel] "To John Sexton."

- Think so?

I'm not so sure of that.

Really, I don't think he's
quite so good looking.

- [Crow] "Oh yeah?"

- Why don't we shave the beard off,

just to make sure.

- [Joel] Just peel it off.

- The beard is mine, I'm attached to it.

I want it to remain right there.

And furthermore, I'd like to
know what's going on here.

- I'm Cunningham,

of Allied Counter-Espionage
for Western Europe.

- [Tom] "And I'm the Elephant King."

- This is Ms. Maxwell, my assistant.

You're the brother of our top agent.

- [Crow] "Michael Ovitz."

- So I think we can trust you.

(Tom singing) ♫ Dominica Nica Nica ♫

- [Joel] The flirting nun!

- [Tom] "Still got it." (chuckles)

- [Crow] Hm, Swiss steak for lunch.

Lucky guy.

- [Tom] "I'd like to make a confession.

"I think you're hot." (chuckles)

- [Joel] You know, Dave Barry's not funny.

(sniffs)

- [Crow] I should have used Mitchum.

- [Joel] Turn your head, you're fine.

- Drop that knife.

- [Tom] "Do you mind?

"We're playing war games."

- [Joel] What, does he have
a fur ball or something?

- Drop it, I said.

(grunting in pain)

- [Crow] "I am the walrus,
goo goo g..." (exhales)

- [Tom] Gee, I think I
had her in eighth grade.

(devious music)

- [Joel] "Now,

time for his catheter."

- [Crow] She's a flibbertigibbet.

A will of the wisp.

A clown.

- [Tom] "I want this problem
called Maria taken care of,

"permanently."

- [Joel] Sister Mary Mayhem.

- [Crow] "Father, forgive me,

"for I have murdered."

- [Tom] "Yea though I walk through shadow

"of the valley of..."

- [Joel] "Death."

- [Tom] Oh.

(weapon fires)

- [Crow] "Make me happy, how'd I do?"

- [Joel] "She is good."

- [Tom] See? There is a role
for women in the church.

Sisters are doing it for themselves.

- [Crow] Sin and the art of archery.

(Tom sings quietly) ♫ Mother
Superior jumped the gun ♫

- [Crow] "This handy
hostage packs into a compact

"nine by 14 case, hard
case also available."

- [Joel] She's making a human burrito.

(Tom Humming)

- [Tom] Make it snappy, Sister,

we've got other pick ups.

Come on!

- [Joel] "I'm married
to the Lord, you know."

Oh boy, I'd kill for a
jump cut right about now.

- [Crow] "Oh Lord, please let my work

"reflect thee in thine eyes."

- [Tom] The few, the proud, the Opus Dei.

(Tom singing jokingly in Latin)

- [Joel] Is this a
documentary on how to do this,

whatever this is?

- [Crow] Oh, oh she's
a stunt nun, you know.

I saw her get interviewed
on the Sci-Fi channel.

- [Tom] Sheeze. Send
her to an outward bound,

and this is the result.

- [Joel] Now this is when you sit back

and watch it all come together.

(Crow singing) ♫ Let Hertz
put you in the ambulance ♫

- [Tom] Looks like Turk 182.

- [Joel] "We'll have her back tomorrow."

- [Crow] "Human cleaners:

"we'll clean your humans overnight."

- [Tom] "Dodge vans:
more room, same ride."

- [Joel] Now, let's review the steps

on how to run a hostage down a rope."

- [Crow] "Um, can we stop
at a Baskin Robbins?"

- [Tom] Oh, they're repo clergy.

- [Commander Cunningham] Dr. Connery,

would you look at that photo?

It was in Ms. Yachuko's bag.

She said you know him.

- It's Ward Jones.

He was planning to marry her.

- [Joel] "Then I showed up."

- I met him when he took
my course in hypnosis.

The one I gave in Japan.

A very capable chap.

- [Joel] "Thinks he's a chicken now."

- I saw Jones killed this morning.

- Ward's been killed?

- By the same people that
tried to kidnap Yachuko.

- [Tom] "The Shriners."

- Thankfully, she's back in our hands.

Ward had important information
he wanted to sell us.

Unfortunately, he was killed
before he got it to us.

- Actually, Ward asked
us to protect Yachuko

because he'd given her
some secret information

and he was afraid she might be in danger.

Now, she denies this absolutely.

- [Crow] Is this a Barnaby Jones wrap up?

- And I'm inclined to think
she's telling the truth.

- But we can't find any
explanation in this business.

- Then I'll explain it to you.

(Joel singing) ♫ What
happened was just this ♫

- Ward had learned a
special yogi technique,

quite complicated but very effective.

Briefly, it's very
possible to communicate--

- [Crow] "I'm not getting any of this."

- in a state of hypnosis of total recall.

The subject himself doesn't know he knows,

but he would be able to repeat verbatim

if he was again hypnotized
to the same extent.

- Do you mean that's how Ward Jones--

- Precisely.
- [Joel] "You're welcome."

- It's clear Ward used Yachuko
as a human electronic brain,

a sort of impregnable safe
to keep his secrets in.

(imitating cuckoo clock)

- A safe that you know
how to open, of course.

- I'm sorry, but I can't help you.

I'll be too busy for the next few days.

- Why, Doctor?

All you have to do is to
walk around Monte Carlo

for the next few days until the
police decide to let you go.

- [Tom] "Which I doubt."

- And if I help you out,

you'll get me out,

is that what you mean?

- Freedom always has a
price tag attached to it.

- [Tom] "Oh, I guess we're early."

(exhales)

- [Joel] "I hate that suit."

- Well, he's had it.

- Poor guy.

- I've never seen a
knife like that before.

- [Tom] "One side's a
scaler and the other..."

- Let's see if there are any clues.

- [Crow] "He died listening to Rush."

- [Tom] "2112."

- Put it in the projector right away.

He may have had time to get a photo.

(chuckles)

- [Tom] "A pocket-sized
machine that goes "ping"!"

- [Joel] "This is the
GAF Murder View master."

- [Crow] Sister Chuck Yeager.

(laughter)

- [Tom] "That flower actually takes

"pretty good pictures."

- Lotte Krayendorf.

- And it's Thanatos.

- Thanatos?

- One of the most powerful
gangs in the world.

- [Tom] "They beat me
up when I was a kid."

- So they're mixed up in this, then.

- [Crow] "What kind of a
hospital are they running here?"

- This is beginning to
look pretty serious.

- [Tom] "We'd better bring Sean in."

(helicopter engine)

- [Joel] A spy movie is starting to sag

and Ed Asner is there.

- [Crow] Looks like the Bigfoot video.

Same stride.

- [Tom] Yup, pretty much.

"The Alps are beautiful but dumb."

- [Joel] "From the street,

"this place looks really small

"but from the back it's huge."

- [Tom] Wow.

- [Crow] "Good God, I'm ugly.

"Scared my own children
out of the nursery today."

- [Tom] "I've decided.

"We're ordering from Schlotzsky's."

Standing in front of a Tromp? (gags)

- [Joel] "We're ordering lunch.

"What do you want?"

- Excuse me.

I'm three minutes late.

- [Crow] "That's okay,
we're a pretty loose group."

- [Tom] "Nice hat."

- [Joel] "He's....

"three minutes..."

"late."

- Gentlemen.

- [Crow] "Start your engines."

- Operation Black Mail--

- [Joel] "Pro billy."

- Is drawing to a close.

- [Joel] "It's been a lot
of fun for all of us."

- To carry it through successfully

so that we may control
the world's gold reserves

requires unfaltering discipline.

- [Crow] "Splunge for me, sir."

- The central panels here
represent the gold reserves

of the six wealthiest
nations of the world.

And your respective duties are...

- [Joel] "Wait for it."

- To lure these six powers

(Crow giggles)

into our trap.

You realize, gentlemen--

- [Tom] "I'm binding."

- That this is the greatest financial

undertaking in history.

(MST3K theme song)

- We've traced the Japanese girl.

She's in Malaga.

- [Tom] Nice beanie.

- If you mean you want me
to go with you to Spain,

I can't accept the invitation.

- But it's a quick trip and pleasant.

- Sorry, but I won't play any spy games.

If you let them snatch
Yachuko from under your nose,

that's your fault.

- [Crow] Take off the Tam O'Shanter.

- Wait a minute, you can't back out now.

I have a cable from
the Minister of Health.

- [Tom] The Minister of Hell?

- Putting you under my orders for a month.

- [Joel] "Let's see, I like you."

"Do you like me?"

"Minister of Health."

- [Crow] Operation Double O Girl Scout.

"I can't read."

- That's an order, Doctor.

- [Tom] "Yes well kiss
my white Scottish arse."

- Do I have time to change?

- Certainly.

I'll be waiting at the
bar for you so hurry,

you have a plane to catch.

- [Crow] "Waiting in the bar?"

- [Tom] "In the bar."

- [Joel] "I'm gonna get you, I will."

- [Crow] "Just hanging out in the yard."

(romantic music)

- Have you lost anything?

- Yes.

- [Tom] "The top third of my dress."

- A button came off.

- A very thoughtful bow.

- [Crow] She has handles.

- Thank you, it's very kind of you.

- Sure.

Any reward.

- [Joel] "Yeah, can I get
your brother's autograph?"

- Come on, Doctor,
you've a plane to catch.

- One second, there's a
reward I must collect.

- [Crow] "Hey just remember
your name is Neil Connery.

"Now get in the plane."

- You'll have to leave the account open.

Max is waiting for you at the airport.

- [Tom] Double O, double entendre.

- I hope I see you again.

- [Crow] I think she's neat.

('60s rock and roll music)

(Tom singing) ♫ Shake it up baby now ♫

- [Joel] Man, it sounds
like the British invasion's

waiting for a flight out.

- [Tom] "And when you de-plane in Malaga,

"you'll be greeted by Manfred Mann."

- That's odd.

He should be here.

- [Crow] "Do I have enough
time to beat up the band?

- [Joel] "They call it the mercy beat.

"In five minutes, you'll be
screaming for mercy, thank you!"

- [Crow] They're playing a penguin song.

(joking singing along)

- [Tom] "Hey, it's Moneypenny,

"pull over it's Moneypenny."

- Thanks a lot.

- [Joel] "That's okay."

- [Crow] (out of breath)
"Will you marry me?"

- The telegram just came

and I left my dear little bride, Consuelo,

and all of the other guests
in front of the church.

As you see, Max,

I'm getting married today.

(giggling)

- [Tom] Moneypenny.

- Where is Yachuko?

- [Crow] "Watch me dance."

- [Joel] Oh, not another bow-losing.

- At first sight,

I took you for an azalea.

What have you lost now?

- My necklace.

It's so sweet to see you again, Doctor.

- Same to you.

- [Crow] Hey it's Bernie from Room 222.

- Doctor Connery, you're
so very kind, as usual.

- My pleasure.

I'm very kind by nature.

- I'll remember that.

- [Tom] Hair by Jim Henson

- Why don't you remember it tonight?

- [Joel] Hey, who's your favorite clown?

(all three) Bozo!

- [Joel] (laughs) That's me!

- Come on, Doctor.

- Sorry.

- [Tom] "My caregiver."

- [Crow] "My husband, Fang." (laughs)

(alarm)

- [Tom] "This Friday on streets."

- [Joel] Oh, this must
be the traditional call

to gambling in Monte Carlo.

- [Crow] Go out and get some air, fatso.

(imitating alarm sound)

- [Joel] "Well, it's a
little drafty in the winter

"but you can really stretch out."

(suspenseful music)

- Yachuko.

- [Crow] "Hey this isn't
how we left her with you."

- [Tom] "He who withdraws
the blade is rightwise

"born king of England."

- Who's been here?

- [Joel] "Um, some guy with a knife."

- The poor girl.

She didn't have anything to do with this.

- But this is not Yachuko.

- What?

- [Joel] "There was no Yachuko."

- She's a double, I tell you.

A good double, but that's all.

- [Crow] Solid double down the line.

- Are you sure?

- Positive.

I know her pretty well.

I've operated on her face.

- That means that they used her as bait

to keep us off the track.

- [Joel] "Are you gonna marry me or what?"

- If you want to find the
real Yachuko and still alive,

I've a feeling you'd
better begin moving fast.

- [Tom] "Go!"

(orchestral music)

- Right, what have you lost this time?

- I've lost my lighter.

- [Tom] "And my dignity."

- Do you ever walk upright,

like other people?

- [Joel] Pant suits from the
Mary Tyler Moore collection.

- If I were a lighter, where would I go?

- Oh, there it is.

(cry out)

- [Crow] Excuse me.

- There you are.

- [Tom] "Do you have a
nip...uh, cigarette?"

(romantic music)

- [Crow] Not in front
of Sir Walter Raleigh!

- [Joel] Flant, flant.

- My reward.

- [Tom] That's it?

You've got gorgeous eyes, you know.

- Do you really like them?

- Very much.

- [Crow] "Can I have one?"

- [Joel] Oh Neil, this isn't right.

I don't think that...

- [Tom] Ooh, she's got ackee on her face.

- [Crow] Secret agent John Ivan Palmer.

- And now you will do whatever I want.

And you will tell me
everything I want to know.

- [Tom] "Let's talk hockey."

- And you must obey me.

Who sent you here?

Thanatos?

- Yes.

- [Tom] Lip sync.

- Who is their chief?

- [Crow] Edward Platt?

- I don't know.

Nobody knows.

- [Tom] "What trouble I'll see."

- What are they planning?

- I don't know.

- Do you know where
they've hidden Yachuko.

- Yes.

In Lotte's villa,

near Malaga.

Just past the crossroad of Marbella.

- [Crow] "By a Tom Thumb."

- And is it heavily guarded?

- It's surrounded by a high tension fence.

And there's a machine gun, too.

- [Crow] "Whether that's heavily guarded,

"I suppose it depends on your definition

"of heavily guarded."

- [Tom] "Naughty."

"Can I get your brother's autograph?"

- You know, you've got
beautiful eyes, too.

- [Joel] "No, you've got beautiful eyes."

- [Crow] "No, you've got beautiful eyes."

- [Tom] "And then of course, I...

"Oh my God."

- Well, well, well.

It looks like nobody in your
family is a rank amateur.

(clearing throat)

- [Crow] "Let me get rearranged here."

- And to think this was
supposed to be my wedding night.

- I'm sorry to break up
your little tete-a-tete.

- [Joel] Tete.

- But we've received information

that Yachuko is being held
prisoner outside Granada.

- That's funny, the opposite direction.

- Who told you that?

- She told me.

(Tom singing) ♫ She told me ♫

- No, let her go,

or we might ruin everything.

- [Tom] Wow! What a cigarette.

(high pitched alarm sound)

(Yachuko crying out)

- [Crow] Maximum tanning.

- [Tom] The President's analyst.

- [Crow] You know, some
people can't wake up

no matter how many alarms they set.

- Stop now.

- [Tom] Looks like you
got an extra game there.

- [Joel] "Sacre bleu.

"Sacre bleu, huh?"

- [Crow] "Oh yeah, sacre bleu."

- [Tom] "Let's go lift now."

- [Joel] "You're looking good."

- It's all right, you can rest.

Calm down.

- [Tom] Martha Graham with her hair down.

- They've made you suffer, haven't they.

How can they make such a
pretty girl suffer like that?

- [Crow] "I'm asking
myself the same thing."

- You mustn't be afraid of me.

- [Joel] "Here, have
some new Miller Clear."

- We women understand
each other, don't we?

Here.

- [Tom] "Water. It's what's for dinner."

- Drink, it'll do you good.

- [Crow] "Your bread will be out shortly.

"I'll let you look at the menu."

- What do you want from me?

I told you I don't know anything.

I really don't know anything.

- Why are you so obstinate?

- [Joel] "I get it from my father."

- We know that Ward
confided something to you.

- It's not true.

No, it's not true.

It's not true.

How many times do I have to tell you

I don't know anything?

- [Crow] "Four?"

- How can I convince you?

- If you talk,

I shall reward you in a
way you can't even imagine.

- [Tom] "I'll leave."

- You live with me.

- [Joel] "Do you smoke?"

- Like a princess.

- But I don't know anything.

I swear it. (screams)

- [Joel] Welcome to noogie hell.

- [Tom] "Hello, Vincent."

- [Crow] "Hello, Theo."

- [Tom] "Where is Vincent?"

- [Crow] "I'm here, Theo."

- [Tom] "Geese, I feel like
Gargan in frickin Tahiti, here."

- [Joel] "Man, I'm really hot.

"Are you hot?"

"Geese, I'm hot."

- [Crow] "Charlie, you're
my knight in shining armor."

- [Joel] "Hey Greg, heard
it through the grapevine."

(chuckles)

- Is that darn thing going to work?

- [Tom] Operation Double 00-Heehaw.

- If my calculations are correct,

the short circuit should
cause a return of current

capable of blowing up the
turret with the ammunition.

- [Joel] "Anyway, I got
Lulu backing me up."

- [Crow] "Hoody hoo! Hoody hoo!"

(small explosion)

- [Tom] "This is your
local utility company

"reminding you to call before you arch."

(explosion)

- [Joel] Fran Lebowitz!

Let's beat it.

- [Tom] Allons-y, everybody.

(MST3K theme song)

- Hi!

Welcome to a segment we like to call

"The Sean and Neil Show: Parallel Lives."

- In which we look at and contrast

the careers of Sean Connery
and his brother Neil Connery.

Star of today's movie.

- Yeah, this line represents Sean's life.

This one represents Neil's life.

Give you an example.

Sean's acting talent is
discovered at an early age

and leads to a long and
lucrative film career.

- While Neil's talent
for selling light bulbs

over the phone is discovered

leading to a long life of menial
jobs and aimless drifting.

- Well, up here is when Sean
gets his first million dollar

royalty check for the James Bond series.

- While Neil gets his first
$65 unemployment check

after being laid off
from The Cheese Factory.

- Yeah.

Here, Sean is declared Sexiest
Man Alive by People Magazine.

- While Neil is declared the
Stinky Cap Man in room 4B

by the other tenants in his SRO Hotel.

- Here, Sean calls the most powerful

and influential people in Hollywood

and is put through immediately.

- While Neil calls Pizza Hut

and is told that they won't deliver to him

because of bounced checks.

- Here, Sean is quoted as saying,

"During the making of 'The
Man Who Would Be King,'

"I had creative differences
with director John Huston."

- While Neil is quotes as saying,

"My manager at the Happy
Chef won't let me off

"for weekends, what a dink, man."

- Here, Sean goes to Spagos
and is seated immediately.

- While Neil's hotplate malfunction

and burns down his shabby furnished room."

- So Joel, what about
that point on the graph

where Sean's line actually
goes lower than Neil's?

- Oh, well that was the point

where Sean agreed to do
"Highlander 2: The Quickening,"

and ironically, that's when
Neil had to comfort Sean.

- Oh boy.

You know, we should remind
the nice folks out there

that this merely artistic
speculation on our part

of Neil Connery's life.

For all we know, he's
leading a prosperous,

happy existence on a farm in Scotland

with his beautiful wife
and adoring children.

- That's right, Tom.

And no matter what's
gone wrong with his life,

Neil can always look in the
mirror and say to himself,

"Well, at least I didn't do Zardoz."

- Right, and so Neil, wherever you are,

we would all just like to say...

(alarms ringing)

Oh, we've got movie time!

(doors opening)

- [Tom] That went well, don't
you think that went well?

- [Joel] Yes, it did.

- [Tom] Thought that went well.

- [Voiceover] Don't move.

- [Joel] "Okay, move."

- Let the girl go.

- [Crow] "If you love
your hostage, let her go."

- Drop that knife.

Drop it.

- [Tom] Junior Samples and Linda Hunt

in a deadly game of cat and mouse.

- Watch out.

(gun fire)

(cries out)

- [Joel] She's so calm.

Her roommate just got
shot and she's so calm.

- [Tom] The Sod Squad.

Julie, Pig, Eb.

- Let's go.

(gunfire)

- [Crow] (mumbles) are raining hot lead.

- Go on, I'll cover you.

(gunfire)

- [Joel] "Camlon coming through, Camlon!"

- [Tom] Katherine Hepburn is
the shakiest gun in the West.

(laughter)

- [Crow] "Cover me, Norman."

The Rocketeer!

Aw, it's the only way
he can talk to women.

- I am Ward.

- [Tom] "You are June."

- Ward. I told you
something about Thanatos.

Remember what I told you about Thanatos?

- Yes.

Thanatos.

(Tom singing jokingly) ♫ Thanatos ♫

- An atomic nucleus.

- Good.

What else did I tell you?

- Code 22.

Bar six.

Two words.

Tetouan.

- [Crow] "Two words. Bite. Me."

(mysterious music)

- [Tom] Judy Carne?

- [Joel] Wait a minute,

she looks like Sheil Zanyar now.

- [Crow] She's a Tony girl.

- Go on.

What happens in Tetouan?

- [Tom] "Watch Bond take shorthand."

- The blind work in Tetouan.

- [Joel] "Slow down."

- The blind die in Tetouan.

- [Joel] "In Tetouan. Just a second."

- The blind?

Try again.

(gunfire)

- [Crow] "Aw now come on."

- [Tom] Lady, you are due
back on the Space 1999 set.

- [Joel] Joan Jet just
walks in and she takes over.

- Sorry.

- [Crow] "It's nothing."

- I hoped to get here before she talked.

- [Tom] "Couldn't get a cab."

- Perhaps I could have saved you.

(gunfire)

- [Crow] "Oh, was I supposed to do that?"

- [Tom] "I'm-a pick it."

- [Crow] "And I'm-a kill it."

"Nice going, you just killed Sacagawea."

- What'd you get out of Yachuko?

- Nothing much, mostly in a sort of code.

It must be deciphered.

- [Tom] "As if I'm not busy enough."

- She spoke also of Tetouan.

Something strange, "The
blind they die in Tetouan."

- What else did she say to you?

- [Tom] "She wanted my
brother's autograph."

- It seems that Thanatos isn't joking.

They're planning to
steal an atomic nucleus.

- An atomic nucleus?

- [Joel] "Oh that's what
I used on the corn."

- Why, that's not possible.

- [Crow] "North Dakota,
before the apocalypse."

(Tom singing jokingly)

- [Crow] "Consider Northern
Illinois University."

- The atomic nucleus, and
only a Jeep for an escort.

- [Joel] Hey, "Here Come the
Brides" does a road show.

- [Crow] "Well, Matthew,
it's a herd of Miss Kitties."

- [Tom] They can hit 60 in brief spurts.

- [Joel] Tail hook takes it on the road.

- [Crow] Woo!

- [Tom] A few good men
meet a few naughty women.

(giggling)

Oh la la.

- [Crow] It's a man's life
in the new modern army.

- [Joel] "Our partridge
family van broke down."

- [Tom] She looks like an oil fire.

(mumbles)

- [Crow] "It's the pussadart band, no!"

- [Tom] They're just gonna tag them

and check them for parasites.

♫ Camera camera ♫

- [Joel] Oh see? Gays in
the military right there.

- [Crow] "Hi gals, when
does the sex start?"

(Tom singing) ♫ Then Felina, goodbye"

- They'll sleep till morning, now.

- [Joel] Just what are these
women trying to liberate?

- All right, girls, get
out of those clothes.

(gasp)

- [Crow] Where angels go, trouble follows.

- [Tom] She could be a
candidate for Big Bird.

Definitely.

- [Joel] Bury my dress at Wounded Knee.

(happy Western music)

- Now, let's get to work on the truck.

- [Crow] We gotta hit Le Pew's place.

- [Tom] So, the composer's
whistling at them.

- [Crow] Am I tripping, Joel?

(Tom singing) ♫ Jesus loves me ♫

- [Joel] And Las Vegas was born.

(Tom singing) ♫ Jesus loves me ♫

- [Joel] You stop that.

(Tom singing) ♫ The Bible tells me so ♫

(laughs)

- [Tom] Sorry.

- [Joel] They keep busy, don't they?

- [Crow] "You want to
help out here, Susan?"

- [Tom] "Tonight, the Dirty
Dozen meets Blanksy's Beauties."

- [Crow] "Seems like
the seductress pole cat

"had other things on her mind."

- Well, let's go.

- [Joel] They're setting up a Goonie golf.

- All right, drive on.

- [Crow] Terrorists
were more fun back then.

- [Tom] This is even better
than Mission Impossible

when they take a street in LA
and make it look like Belgium.

- [Joel] It's big Al
Hirt and Pete Fountain

marching us all outta
this scene, thank you!

- [Crow] Woohoo!

- [Tom] Yahoo!

"The hell was that?"

- Gentlemen.

- [Crow] "I prefer blonds."

- With his usual brilliance
and imagination...

- [Joel] Carrot Top!

- Beta has secured the
atomic nucleus we need.

- [Tom] "Yes I did the
atomic nucleus, you know?"

- Now we are in position
to continue with our plans.

Beta will now explain to you

the experiments our technicians
have been carrying out.

- [Crow] "Dressed as showgirls."

- Over the past few weeks.

- [Joel] "Thanks for the
marvelous introduction, Irv,

"I'll take it from here."

- Gentlemen, I shall start by saying

these are all just
small-scale experiments.

- [All Three] These are all
just small scale experiments.

- But now, with this powerful
material at our disposal,

we are at last able to generate
ultra-high frequencies.

- [Joel] Beep.

- And to direct the magnetic wave

to at least a third of the globe.

All metals will be instantly affected.

- [Crow] "Arnolds will be
bread and slaughtered."

- Will fuse solidly.

- [Tom] "Cholitos will be half off."

- All dynamos--

- [Joel] Dynamo hub.

- Ships, planes,

guns, tanks,

armaments,

everything mechanical...

- [Crow] "Must be sold."

- Will become a useless lump of metal.

- [Tom] "Oh, and forks."

(slow instrumental music)

- [Tom] "From high atop

"the Topkapi Palace in downtown Istanbul,

"it's Fred Waring and his orchestra."

- [Joel] That may drop later.

"Our remaining monkey brains
have been reduced to $1.99."

"Nice digs, huh, Susan?"

- [Crow] "Where's the guy
with the pickled eggs?"

- Take her to the red room.

- [Joel] "One more time."

- [Tom] They look like
Electro Woman and Dyna Girl.

(chuckling and giggling weakly)

- Other guests are coming.

- [All Three] From Europe.

- [Tom] Arthur Rubinstein and
Sammy Cahn walking arm in arm.

- [Voiceover] Doctor.

How nice to see you again.

- Thank you.

- One second.

- [Joel] "You're dressed
as a space angel. Why?"

- How lucky Maya asked you to come.

I was going to get in touch
with you to arrange a meeting.

- [Crow] "Could you feel
this bump on my head."

- Of course, the return game.

I had no idea you were
so interested in archery.

- I'm not. (chuckles)

It's your services as a
plastic surgeon I'm interested.

- [Tom] Oohoo.

- Why? Would you like to
have your features changed?

- Me? Oh no.

I'm quite satisfied with my face

and with my nose also.

- [Crow] "Although I do
weathervane in high winds."

- It's for a friend.

He wants to become the
exact double of another man.

- [Tom] "Bob Eubanks."

- But for the time being,

there's no need for you to understand.

And of course...

- [Crow] "You don't."

- You can state your own price.

- [Joel] Welch's?

- For me, it's not a matter of money.

It's primarily a matter of principal.

- [Crow] "Although I'm a little low today,

"do you have 10 bucks?"

- We'll come to an agreement, you'll see.

We'll have time to talk about it.

- [Joel] "I lost my pockets."

- [Tom] "Bobbie Gentry,
so good to see you again."

- [Crow] "I don't know who invited him."

- Will you excuse me for a minute?

I won't be long.

- [Joel] "I've been
advised I look ridiculous."

- I'm sure with so many
beautiful girls around,

you won't get bored.

- [Tom] "No, no, you're right.

"'Cause women are just all over me,

"I mean I got no problem,
if you know what I mean."

- [Crow] "Rocky Mountain oysters?"

- Thank you.

No, thank you.

- [Crow] "Do you have any
snack-ish type foods here?

"Summer sausage, toothpicks maybe.

"Those little mints..."

- [Joel] "Ron."

- [Tom] "David."

- Well?

What have you done?

- Not very much.

It's difficult.

They're all afraid of Alpha.

- Idiots.

- Maybe they're right.

After all, Alpha is powerful.

- [Tom] "He's got a good bench."

- Come in.

- There's a message from the Yacht.

It's very urgent.

- [Crow] "Hi!"

- [Joel] "Well, let's see here, it says:

"Take off that ridiculous get-up

"and it's signed 'Yacht.'"

- It's from Alpha.

- [Tom] "Who's having a good time."

- He's set the date.

He wants me to join him immediately.

- [Crow] "We're to be married."

- What timing.

- It'll be the last time
he gives me an order.

I'll destroy him,

then I'll be the head of Thanatos.

- It is very, very, risky.

- Not for me.

- What about the girls?

Then they'd be dangerous witnesses.

- As soon as the operation is over,

the Yacht will blow up.

- [Tom] Remember folks, he can read lips.

He is reading lips right now.

- With the girls aboard?

- Yes.

- [Crow] "Yes."

- Maya, too?

- It's inevitable.

- [Tom] "A Germany yellow frog."

"What Bozo the piano chive,"

"I used to be good at this."

- There must be no witnesses.

Only you will share my secret.

- You know that you can trust me.

- Now, let's go inside and see

if we can convince them.

- [Joel] "And remember to have fun."

(romantic music)

- [Crow] Marla Maples.

- Doctor.

(Joel singing) ♫ My eyes have seen that ♫

- May I divert you from your meditation?

- A coincidence, I was
just thinking of you.

- I'm flattered.

- [Crow] Looks like her tomato
aspic got away from her.

- Maya.

- [Joel] "There's a big bug on your head."

- Your life is in danger,
in serious danger.

- Are you threatening me?

- No, certainly not,

but I have just overheard a conversation

between your Mr. Thai and...

- [Tom] Who?

- Yes I've seen few villas
as beautiful as this one.

It's quite splendid.

- [Crow] "Act natural,
your lips might be bugged."

"Oh, Donald."

- Senor Mendoza.

- [Joel] "Jessie Norman
wants her caftan back."

- You're not going, are you?

I was hoping to play a hand
of chemin de fer with you.

- I don't gamble, Mr. Thai.

I only bet on winning horses.

- That's why you should stay.

- [Tom] Melvin Laird is getting cheesed.

- I have an important
announcement to make.

- [Tom] "I'm Rue Mcclanahan."

- I thought you had the voting majority.

- As far as I'm concerned,

this meeting never happened.

Let's drop it and leave
things as they are.

- I shouldn't advise that.

- [Tom] "Oh, I'm sorry Colin."

- I want to know whether

you are with me or with Alpha.

- [Crow] "Or with child."

- I warn you, be careful how you answer.

- [Tom] "The Beatles! Oh..."

- You can put yourselves
in a dangerous spot.

- [Crow] "Under my caftan."

- It's a lot more
dangerous to listen to you.

- [Joel] Ooh."

- In a few days,

Alpha will be dead.

- [Joel] "Chris Well predicts."

(Tom singing)

- But no one will know except us.

Within hours, I'll have
an exact double for Alpha.

- [Crow] "Neat, huh?"

- Everything will go on

as if nothing happened.

- [Joel] Nothing has happened.

- But...

With this difference...

- [Crow] "Your hair can
have more body and shine."

- The new Alpha will be my man.

(Tom singing) ♫ Oh my man I love him so ♫

- It's going to blow up soon.

Maybe even tomorrow, with you on board.

- [Joel] "Um, you're kind
of hard to dance with."

(chuckles)

- You read too many novels by Fleming.

- [Crow] "Jerry Fleming, Ian's brother."

- I assure you it's true.

Your life is in great danger.

- [Tom] "I'm that bad a dancer."

(laughter)

"Seriously."

- I'll keep everything
under control somehow.

- [Crow] "With my control top panty hose.

"But seriously."

- If my information is right,

you'll be indebted to me.

- [Joel] He sounds like Hercules.

- Of course.

- [Crow] "Anyway."

- Why does Mr. Thai hire only blind people

in his rug factory?

- [Tom] "Wait, I know this one."

- [Crow] "Hi Largo."

- I don't know, I've never been in there.

Only blind people are
allowed to go inside.

- [Joel] "And I'm blond.

"But seriously I..."

- Excuse me.

- [Crow] "I have to go talk
to an interesting person."

- [Joel] "Well she seems nice enough."

(gentle piano music)

- [Crow] "Should have had
her bring me back some

"three bean salad."

- [Voiceover] Standby to that sea station.

- [Voiceover] Ay, ay, sir.

- [Tom] Das bloat.

- [Joel] "Hm, I should
get me one of those."

- [Crow] It's red October.

Hi Sean.

- [Joel] "I could've
gotten a ride on that,

"I didn't want to."

- [Joel] "We've installed
the screen door, sir."

- [Crow] "How do you get
this thing out of reverse?"

- [Tom] "This man could win $5,000!"

(greeting in Arabic)

- [Crow] Michael O'Donoghue.

Hoohah.

- [Joel] Hoohah.

- [Tom] Hoohah.

Oh brother.

- [Crow] "To sea or land?"

- [Tom] I hope he can read braille lips.

(laughter)

- [Crow] "You're new here."

(all three singing jokingly)

- [Joel] "And they say a
Lou Reed shall guide them."

- [Crow] Casting call
for Name of the Rose.

- [Tom] It's the Boys in the Hoods.

(chuckling)

- [Joel] Ooh, spicy.

- [Crow] You know, I bet
Dolphin Temp has a hard time

filling these positions.

- [Tom] "Bruno! Bruno!"

- [Joel] "All right, you win,

"they're all blind."

- [Tom] "Dick Enberg, here."

- Hold on to each other by the shoulder

and come with me.

- [Crow] "Well, it felt like shoulder."

- [Tom] "Any of you sure
play a mean pinball?"

- [Joel] Wait a minute,

it's the blind leading the blind,

leading the blind leading the blind,

leading the blind, leading the blind,

leading the blind.

- [Crow] "Um... Oh yeah I'm blind,

"yeah I'm blind."

- Listen, all of you.

- [Joel] "And you shall hear."

- Here you will weave rugs.

Don't worry.

It's a simple, easy job.

You'll get your food

and your family will get your pay.

- [Tom] "There is a Coke
machine in the break room."

- Each one of you will
be placed at the loom

and will begin with an easy task.

With a little goodwill,

you will learn quickly.

And now get to work.

- [Crow] "We'll start with
a hot pad holder first."

- [Joel] Wait a minute,

he's infiltrated a quilting bee.

- [Tom] "Goodwill industries,
now it can be told."

- [Crow] Somebody heard him looking.

(MST3K theme song)

- [Crow] "Pretty good.

"Good enough for the state fair."

- [Tom] "What's this?

"The blind weaving the blind?

"Wall to wall trouble in Carpetland USA?"

- [Joel] You know, ironically,

Connery wears a rug.

(laughter)

- [Tom] That's very clever.

- [Crow] Oh, who's the sign for?

- [Tom] Oh that must be where they make

the nuclear-powered rugs.

- [Crow] Ah.

(action music)

(machinery beeping)

- [Crow] "Shut the door,

"I do believe I'm developing
pictures of rugs in here."

- [Joel] Hot L Baltimore.

Hot L Baltimore.

Hot L Baltimore.

(machinery beeping and tapping)

- [Tom] "Would you please
stop tapping like that?"

- [Joel] You know, a buffet
would never work in this place.

- [Crow] "Are you Hank?"

- [Tom] "No."

- [Crow] "You smell like Hank."

(fake kissing sound)

- [Crow] This is like Silkwood,

only in a rug factory.

- [Tom] Silkworm.

(laughter)

- [Joel] You've got some
marmalade on your hand.

- You're working with
radioactive material,

it will kill you.

- What is it that you mean by that?

- [Tom] "Sometimes I think
you want me to fail."

- You are working with
radioactive materials,

do you understand?

- [Crow] "Yeah, well I
get paid $2 more an hour."

- It will kill you.

- They are trying to murder us,

that is why we have
the source, we must go.

- [Tom] Neil is a skilled rebel-rouser.

(shouting)

- [Tom] Guys, that's not the
door that's the corridor.

- [Crow] "I'm staying, I need the money."

- Let us out of here.

- [Tom] "It's gonna take you, the police,

"the fire department
and the National Guard

"to get me out of here."

- [Crow] "Hey, this is kind of fun!"

- [Joel] You know, this must
be 5 o'clock on a Friday.

You want it when?

(laughter)

- [Tom] "Quit jostling me,

"can't you tell I am fragile?"

- [Crow] "Now everybody, be sure to sign

"Vicky's birthday card before you leave,

"she won't be here on Monday."

- [Tom] Well, looks like
Casual Day backfired.

(speaking Arabic)

- All right, let him go.

- [Tom] "Oh, gee, I was
just on the road to Damascus

"and whamo! Look at me."

- [Crow] Is he wearing a braille jacket?

- [Tom] "He's pretty good, huh?"

(speaking Arabic)

- [Crow] "Bad touch."

- Your Arabic is quite good.

However, it dates from
the time of the crusades,

Dr. Connery.

- [Joel] "Oh, I could never fool you,

"give me a hug."

- [Tom] "Is it my scene now?

"Largo, is it mine now? Huh?"

- [Crow] "Ladies and gentlemen,

"Maynard Ferguson in the
centennial senior high school gym."

- [Joel] "Bobby Joe get back here."

- You're an extraordinary man, Doctor.

- [Tom] "I know."

- [Crow] "Let me show you
my time life labyrinth."

- Imaginative and resourceful.

- [Joel] "Nice sense of humor, too."

- It's too bad you prepared
to play on the opposing team.

- Too bad, from your point of view.

- [Tom] Ooh.

- Yes.

But it is my point of view that counts.

- [Crow] "I know you are but what am I?"

- If you'd done me the
small favor I'd asked...

- [Tom] "We'd be in marketing by now."

- There would have been...

- [Joel] "More chip dip."

- No such complications as these.

Now, you'll have to operate anyway,

under less favorable circumstances.

You understand?

- Well, what else can I do?

- [Crow] "Again, ooh."

(door opens)

- [Tom] "It's a new car!"

- [Joel] "Oh neat, where's the bar?"

- Here is your patient, Doctor.

- [Crow] "Doctor, patient.

"Patient, doctor."

- Everything's ready for you.

I want to be generous.

- [Joel] "So, here's a quarter."

- In return for your services...

- [Tom] "You get to rub my tummy."

- Your life.

(Joel singing) ♫ You've
come a long way baby

♫ To get where you got to today ♫

- [Tom] "Can I borrow your nice skirt

"for the party on the deck?"

- Call all the girls,
I've got to warn them.

I've just learned that
we're going to have to fight

for our lives.

Thai's decided to blow up the yacht

with all of us aboard.

Come on.

- [Crow] "That's a bad thing, right?"

- If it stops, so will yours.

- [Tom] "Look, I just
came in for a hair cut,

"really just a little off the sides."

- [Tom] "Okay,

"how are we today?

"Good, good, uh-huh.

"Looking good.

"How's that little prostate problem?"

- All right, you can go.

- [Crow] "Can we have
the night canopy please?"

- [Joel] You know, I
think that operating room

clashes with the couch.

- Just relax.

You're tired.

You want to rest.

(suspenseful music)

That's right, relax.

- [Tom] "Yes, yes."

- You have nothing to fear.

- [Tom] "We're going to
enter your nostril now."

- Good.

- [Joel] Steve Austin.

- Relax.

That's right.

- [Crow] "That's it, yes, yes, yes.

Couple of tucks, he could be Roy Thinnes.

- Deep, deep sleep.

- [Tom] "Where was your
chest on the no the 23rd?"

- [Joel] Aw, he kyped that
speaker from a drive-in.

- As soon as Connery has
completed the operation...

- [Joel] "You'll get new sweaters."

- I want him eliminated.

- [Tom] "Ew."

- [Crow] "Hi."

- Hello.

- [Joel] It's Toni Basil.

- [Tom] Ooh.

- [Crow] Hey, the Lust Boat.

- [Tom] Boy, women have really broken

through the glass ceiling in this movie.

- [Crow] Yeah but there's a
guy looking up through it.

- [Joel] "Women, can't live with them,

"can't live without 'em."

- [Crow] It's closing time at Hooters.

(whistles)

(grunts)

- [Joel] He deserved that.

- [Crow] "It was worth it!"

- [Tom] Ole!

- Now you will follow my instructions.

- [Tom] "Sit. Stay."

- You won't have a moment of
peace until it's all finished.

- [Joel] "Can you even dye
my eyes to match my doll?"

- [Tom] "Any old time."

"Well, I see here that you
haven't been flossing."

- [Joel] "Now, how do
you like your martini,

"shaken or stirred?"

- [Crow] "I'm taking
the President's nose."

- No go.

- [Tom] "The anesthetic wore off!"

(screaming)

"I love you, damn it!"

(action music)

- [Crow] "Police Squad, in color."

- [Joel] "Take this John
Entwistle." (grunts)

- [Crow] "Oh, oh Danny,
let's settle this in court."

- [Joel] Watch out for the model ship!

- [Tom] "An actual donnybrook
in easy-spirit pumps."

- [Joel] "It's the
whackiest ship in the Navy."

- [Crow] "When up with people goes bad."

- [Joel] That was a real Capezio kick.

- [Tom] "Did someone say fight?"

- [Crow] "Enter the Chiropractor."

- [Joel] Chuck Taylors.

- [Joel] "Stop this scene right now."

- [Crow] That violates some rules.

- [Tom] "I woke up, you
weren't there, I hate that."

- [Crow] Watch out for the model.

- [Tom] "The hell?"

- [Crow] Right into a Bob Fosse routine.

- [Joel] Mrs. Partridge, look out!

- [Tom] "No, this is a one-seater, Homer."

- [Crow] It's hullabaloo or...

Where the action is or hootenanny.

- [Joel] Happening 68?

- [Crow] Yeah.

- [Joel] If Sam Peckinpah
directed The Boatniks.

What? He's wearing a linus shirt.

- [Crow] That's no reason to hit him.

- [Tom] There's no end
to this little blue guys.

- Take these.

- [Crow] "Oh that's a cute top, Cindy,

"where'd you get it?"

- [Tom] "Not now."

- [Crow] "Sorry."

- [Tom] Well that is one
figure-hugging turtleneck there.

- [Joel] "Oh, poopy."

- [Crow] Licorice?

- [Tom] Oh no.

(gunfire)

- [Crow] Oh great, now the boat's sinking.

- [Tom] I finally got used to that.

- [Joel] Wait a minute,

he's becoming part of his
own entertainment center.

(gunfire)

- [Crow] "'Scuse me, pardon me,

"coming through, oh 'scuse me,

"oh broke a nail, oh, hi!

"Oh, oh, 'scuse me, pardon me,

"oh, I'm sorry, hi Betsy!

"Oh, 'scuse me, pardon me, oh."

- [Joel] "And then Svelko
shows his true colors

"of yellow and flees the Calipso."

- [Tom] "And as we left the
clam flowage that day--"

- [Joel] Stop that.

(gunfire)

- [Crow] Let's see ya hypnotize
them from here, Mr. Cool.

- He's heading there.

- We can't worry about that right now.

We've got to find Thanatos headquarters.

Now, the radioactive rugs
were made at the factory.

Where were they sent?

- I really never knew that,

but once I heard,

something about a place near Munich.

(all three) Munich!

(doors closing)

- No, no, no.

- Come on, just let me
try to hypnotize you.

Crow likes it.

(Crow clucks like chicken)

- You can't make me,

you can't make me,

you can't make me.

- Ah, Joel.

So sorry to interrupt your little skit,

but Frank would like to do a number.

I was a little hard on him
during the invention exchange.

So, here's our own TV's Frank,

accompanying himself on the accordion

with the haunting "Beer barrel polka."

Humor him, okay?

- And a one, and a two,

and a one two three four.

(scary music)

- Ah, that's rather nice.

Not really a polka,

or a march.

It's good, though.

Very familiar.

- Here are the Mr. Pibbs
that you ordered, sir.

- Ah thank you,

just put them on the--

You!

What the?

- Mr. Pibb.

I specifically ordered a Diet Squirt.

- I'm so sorry, gentlemen,

I'll make it right.

- No, no, Frank,

have the Mr. Pibb,

you can have the Mr. Pibb this time.

- No.

My doctor says I can't have Mr. Pibb.

- Frank, I'm your doctor,

and I say "have the Mr. Pibb."

- Master wanted you to have

these coupons

for our veggie feast.

He wanted you to have them
but I'm giving them to you.

- Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

- Yes, have a nice day.

- I was.

- Thank you, goodbye.

- Oh um,

may I use your bathroom.

(MST3K theme song)

(machine whirring)

- There, on the left.

All right, let's land.

Directional relevator
indicates that's the spot.

(helicopter flying in)

- [Tom] High on the hill
lived the lonely goat herd,

so you might wanna take an
alternate route this afternoon.

- [Joel] This place is
crawling with chathans.

(laughter)

- [Joel] Maybe you should
land before you get out.

- [Tom] "Honey, you got your keys?"

"Your keys."

- [Joel] She's nude.

- [Tom] She's smooth.

(action music)

- [Crow] "This feels great,
pleather is really something."

- I'm beginning the countdown.

- [Voiceover] Begin countdown.

- [Joel] "Knock it off, Trevor."

- 120 seconds.

- [Voiceover] A warning signal.

It's Connery.

He's found the secret entrance.

- Such a curious man.

I'll satisfy his curiosity.

Let him in.

- [Tom] Double 007 is on.

- [Joel] Turn it off.

- [Voiceover] 114.

- [Crow] "Sir, someone's
doing a drunk test outside."

- [Voiceover] 112.

111.

110.

- [Joel] "I'm gonna shut
you down until about 20,

"okay Trevor?

"Trevor!"

- [Voiceover] 107.

- [Voiceover] Connery's now in the tunnel.

- [Tom] Oh, now it's the Outer Limits.

- [Crow] "I'm not going in the tunnel.

"Oh, I am in the tunnel.

"Imagine that."

- [Tom] "Boy it reeks down here."

- [Joel] "Hey, put that thing away."

- Stop right there.

- [Crow] Well, she's
not the only smooth one.

- [Tom] "That's for stealing
my naugahyde couch."

(grunts)

- Maya, you better call London.

- Alternate vibrators.

- [Voiceover] Alternate
vibrators inserted.

(all three) Hey!

- [Crow] You can't say that.

(action music)

- [Tom] So how come everybody's got

Count Basie following 'em?

- [Joel] Heidi's grown up.

- [Crow] Uh oh.

(all three groaning)

- [Tom] The back stabbas stabbas.

"Thank you, Ron Popeil."

- [Crow] "Hm, what would my brother do?"

- [Joel] Oh that must be
the fine arts building.

- [Tom] So I guess nobody's gonna notice

the guy in the tan suede
ranch jacket, are they?

- [Crow] No.

- [Joel] Sonra's band.

- [Crow] "Aw leave me alone."

(helicopter flying overhead)

- [Tom] "Airwolf meets Dr. Zhivago."

- [Joel] "Should we be
moving or something?"

- [Crow] Hey everybody,

when that lady gets off the helicopter,

check out her pants.

(chuckles)

- [Tom] "Wait, can I get the...

(groans) "Oh, where's
the valet? Forget it."

(imitating crowd chatter)

- [Crow] "Hello Mrs. Pants, I mean..."

- [Tom] "Give me an espresso, please."

- It's terribly urgent.

- London, in England?

How do you expect to do that?

- On the telephone.

Please, help me, it's a
matter of life or death.

- You can try,

I don't know if you'll get through.

- [Joel] Well, there's Waldo.

- [Voiceover] 31.

- 30 seconds.

- [Voiceover] Magnetic intensity
at concentration levels.

- [Tom] Thank you, Charles Aznavour.

- [Voiceover] 27.

- Wave.

- [Voiceover] Magnetic
wave ready to function.

- [Joel] That's just an
elaborate clothes dryer.

- Hello, London.

Extension 142.

I want to speak with Commander
Cunningham immediately,

it's terribly urgent.

Never mind who I am, hurry!

- Five.

- [Crow] Bottles of beer on the wall.

- Four.

- [Crow] Bottles of beer on the wall.

- Three.

Two.

- A castle up a hill?

- [Tom] "At lonely goat herd?"

- But how far from Munich?

- One.

- [Joel] Singular sensation.

- The headquarters are 20 miles from--

- [Tom] "What happened?"

- Hello, hello.

- [Joel] I don't know why
you say goodbye I say hello.

We've been cut off.

- [Crow] "Well, I'm not calling her back."

- I'm wondering...

- [Tom] "What do the simple folk do?"

(mysterious music)

- [Crow] "Whatever will this
do to my underwear or bra?"

- [Tom] "Where's my espresso?"

- [Joel] "Oh, that does it.

"Now where did I park?"

- [Crow] She's smooth.

You've got to admit it.

- [Tom] Oh boy, you know
those slack hurt me.

(singing playfully)

- [Joel] McCloud.

- [Crow] "So, Mr. Bond's brother."

- I'm happy to have you as my guest again.

I'll show you how the operation works

on our anti-magnetic equipment.

(machine beeping)

- [Joel] "Oh, you get A and E."

- Quite neat, don't you think?

And that's the last favor I can do you.

I only allowed you to
live because I wanted you

to witness my success.

I've got what I wanted

without your help.

Take him away.

- [Tom] "I think I'm supposed to have

"some snappy comeback here but..."

- [Crow] "No, further.

"Keep going.

"Don't look at me like that."

(action music)

- [Crow] Suddenly it's the
Brothers fricking Karamazov.

- Good, the magnetic wave has blocked it.

- Aren't you a champion archer, too?

- No, sorry about that.

I'm a pretty good fighter, though,

and I guess that can be useful, too.

- [Tom] "Can it?"

(Tom singing) ♫ Their cars broke

♫ Their horses will poop
on the parking lot ♫

- [Crow] Look, they outlawed night.

- [Joel] "You guys look really stupid

"in plastic pants, plastic
pants." (blows raspberry)

- [Tom] Oh boy, another
stare down with Neil.

- [Joel] "Go mental."

- [Crow] "Rick, what's wrong with you?"

"There's my Philip screwdriver."

(singing jokingly)

- [Tom] I wish they'd stop
pretending this is exciting."

- [Joel] Hey, that looks
just like a U2 video.

(Tom singing) ♫ Under a blood red sky ♫

(MST3K theme song)

(Tom humming)

- [Tom] Come on you guys,

that's Neil Connery,

you should be able to get him.

- [Joel] "Oh my pants, my pants."

- Come on.

(alarm ringing)

- [Crow] "Oh, what a
time for a fire drill."

(action music)

- [Tom] Ha, see how that
alligator skin hat helps you now.

- [Crow] "Come on girls, they hurt Buddy!"

- [Joel] "Mammy."

- [Tom] They shot Jolson.

(screaming)

- [Crow] "Wait, that's not, no..."

- [Tom] "Gimme it, I got it."

- Where are you going?

- To try to blow up the tower.

- Take this.

- [Joel] "My grandma gave it to me."

- Anti-magnetic...

- [Crow] "Thing!"

- Can I set the dial?

- Sure you can.

- Good.

- We'll cover you.

- [Tom] "Okay we'll meet you there."

- [Joel] It's the Elmer Fudd Brigade.

Ooh, fell right on it.

Ooh, again.

- [Tom] Ooh, come on.

(stuttering)

- [Tom] "Well, let's see here."

- [Crow] Trade ya.

(cries out)

- [Joel] Wow, new archer
must be on this case.

- [Tom] Geeze everybody
gets a turn here, huh.

- [Joel] Encore. Mammy!

Mr. Belvedere!

- [Tom] "Better park the
hard drive here, let's see."

- [Crow] "This is your last
chance for a witty remark."

- At your own game, Doctor.

- [Joel] That's a perfect set up

for a witty remark, come on.

- [Tom] "Come on, Doctor.

"It's not good if you don't retort.

"It can be anything.

"It can be about my nose,

"or my stupid alligator suit, anything!"

- [Crow] "Hey, that's not fair."

- [Joel] "Geeze, you're
soggy in this suit."

- [Crow] Okay use the stunt batch.

- [Tom] Ow.

- [Joel] You know guys,

I think this is about more
than just magnetizing.

- [Tom] Goes much deeper.

(grunting and struggling)

Stunt Largo, look guys.

- [Crow] Yup.

Hey, somebody punched the foley guy.

(grunting and fighting)

- [Tom] "Okay...

"Okay take back everything
you ever said about me."

- [Joel] "Oh man am I moist.

"Tony Fields was never this moist."

- [Tom] "Ha ha, prepare
to meet Khalee's brother

"near hell."

- [Crow] "Bow fight at the O.K. Corral."

- [Joel] "I'm gonna do it!"

(evil laugh)

- [Joel] You know he's gonna
need a vinyl patch kit.

- [Crow] Yup.

- [Tom] Oh are these guys still at it?

Good grief.

- [Joel] They're beating up Lebeau.

- [Crow] You know for some reason,

I like the fight on the boat better.

- [Joel] Me too.

"Uh, hey Vern."

- [Tom] A uvula.

"Hey everybody, there's a
party going down at...oh."

- We've got to get out
before the tower blows up.

- [Crow] "Well."

- [Tom] "Oh, and I forgot
to tell you earlier

"that there's a tower that's
going to blow up in this

"soon."

- [Crow] Oh, I just got it.

That's the tower that's gonna blow up.

- [Tom] Yeah, he didn't tell us about it.

- Quick.

(explosion)

- [Joel] "Are we gonna die?

"We're really not that far away."

- [Tom] "The Brigadoon
compound exploded today.

"Fiona and Meg escaped unharmed.

"Unfortunately, Bonnie Dean has died."

- [Crow] Kinda like
watching Bonanza in reverse.

- [Tom] That must be the Thunderball

I heard them talk about so much.

(gunfire)

- [Joel] "Hey relax, we won, you hothead."

(crowd cheering)

- Okay, Connery, okay.

You were fantastic.

You even made my best
agents look like beginners.

- Oh I shouldn't think so, Commander.

I was lucky.

- No, you're too modest.

You should have seen your
brother's face, Doctor.

When he heard of it.

- [Tom] "Settle back with
a smooth Canadian club."

- If you happen to have a few days free,

I was thinking...

I'd be happy to have
you back in the reserves

at the rank of Major.

- [Crow] "If I wasn't
so plastered right now."

- You would?

- [Tom] "Here's the church, the steeple,

"and the sleeple."

- [Joel] "Boy George?"

- Major.

- [Joel] "Nelson?"

- What was I saying?

- That you have to return
to London immediately.

Isn't that right, Commander?

- [Joel] "It works on my brain, too."

- Yes, of course.

I must return immediately.

- [Joel] "I'm a famous lounge singer.

"I am?"

- [Tom] "Mrs. Norman Maine."

- [Crow] "This is the part
my brother told me about."

- [Tom] "Yes, I should
take my own life, yes."

- [Crow] "Angel of death,
high powered rifle."

(stuttering)

- [Joel] "We're having fun at his expense,

"it's fun."

- Ready girls?

Let's go.

- [Crow] He probably
hypnotized her into liking him.

- [Joel] Yeah, I should
think that life would lose

a lot of its zip if you had
ultimate power over everyone.

- [Tom] Sean Connery's
brother won't be back again.

In anything.

(door closing)

(struggling)

- How do you suppose this happened?

- We're stuck to the wall.

- Aw, crimmeny.

- Holy cats.

- Are you guys stuck to the wall?

- Yeah.

- We're immobilized.

- We're stuck!

- Oh I bet I know whose idea this was.

Sirs, was this your idea?

- Hm? Why Joel, I...

You got me. (laughs)

(speaks foreign language)

I saw the movie,

remembered I had my old magnetizer.

These things are great.

Gotta admit, it's pretty funny.

"I'm stuck to the wall!" (laughs)

- It's no use, Joel,

it ain't gonna work.

I'm stuck.

- Quick, give me rocket number nine.

Very funny, Sirs,

but I'll have you know that
you're probably interrupting

intercontinental communication.

- Yeah.

- Ooh, wouldn't wanna do that. (laughs)

Don't worry, we'll
demagnetize you guys later.

(laughs)

(laughter)

(speaking German)

- How about a Ricola now?

Until next time, Joel,

Auf weidersen.

(toilet flushes)

- [Voiceover] Thank you.

(scary music)