Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 6, Episode 7 - I Accuse My Parents - full transcript

* in the not-too-distant
future *

* next Sunday, a.D.

* there was a guy
named Joel *

* not too different
from you or me *

* he worked
at gizmonic institute *

* just another face
in a red jumpsuit *

* he did a good job
cleaning up the place *

* but his bosses
didn't like him *

* so they shot him
into space *

* we'll send him
cheesy movies *

- * the worst we can find
- * la la la

* he'll have to sit
and watch them all *

- * and we'll monitor his mind
- * la la la

* now keep in mind
Joel can't control *

- * where the movies
begin or end *
- * la la la

* because he used
those special parts *

* to make his robot friends

let's go.

- Cambot.
- Pan left.

Hi, girl.

What a cool guy.

A wisecracker.

* if you're wondering how
he eats and breathes *

- * and other science facts
- * la la la

* then repeat to yourself
"it's just a show *

* "I should really
just relax *

* for..."

* mad about the boy

* dah-din da-da-Dee

* mad about the boy

ha-ha,
what a cute shape on me.

Huh? Check me out, eh? Whoo.

There you go, all done.

Ah, today I am
a real live boy. Mazel tov!

Hey, hi, crow.
Hi Tom.

Hi, everybody, welcome
to the satellite of love.

I'm Joel Robinson.
You might remember me

as the guy who was
accidentally shot into space

and then f-- the hell?

Tom servo, you're naked.

Naked and beautiful, Joel.

The human body in all
its many shapes and sizes

is a wonder to behold.

Today I begin anew.

No longer Tom servo,
mere robot.

I emerge from
my metal chrysalis.

Tom servo, real live boy.

Snips and snails
and puppy dog's tails.

That's what Tommy's made of.

- Yeah, really.
- Uh, no, paint actually.

Yeah, Tom, you know, I knew
this was gonna happen sometime.

You're experiencing
the Pinocchio syndrome.

Oh, nonsense, brother.

It has always been my dream
to be a real live boy.

And now I am that thing.

But, Tom, why do you want
to be a real live boy?

There are billions
of real live boys on earth.

There's only one Tom servo.

I want to run and jump
and skin my knees.

Uh, you don't have any legs.

I want to catch frogs down
at the old swimming hole.

- Your arms don't work.
- I want to experience

a world of emotions
and feelings.

You'll get beat up
because you're a freak.

- [Servo sobs]
- Five seconds
to commercial sign.

Now I know I'm a real boy.

I can hear
my heart breaking.

- It's okay. It's okay.
- Commercial sign now.

Sitting here, smiling,
watching Tommy grow.

Uh, I'm still wet, you know.

- Oh. Ooh.
- I think you're stuck.

Gee, uh, servo, you're gonna
have to touch up your skin.

I can see that, don't you
think I can see that?

Here, spit.

That's really pink,
isn't it?

Yeah-- oh, Buffy
and hildegard are calling.

Oh, Joel, the stories
I could tell of...

Frenzied bachelor parties
and exotic dancers

jumping out of cakes.
Sounds exciting?

Sure.

But around midnight,
there you are.

Frustrated
and disappointed

with a fake cake
you can't eat

and a dancer named candy
who has to leave

to drive her
baby-sitter home.

- What've you got?
- Nothing.

That's why we've
combined dessert

and objectifying
the human body

in one easy cake mix.

Cake and shake.

A real exotic dancer
included.

That's right, Clay.

Now gluttony and exploitation
serves eight.

And just think, now even mom,
dad, and the kids

can enjoy
a chippendale dancer

at little Jimmy's
seventh birthday party.

- Oh, Clay?
- Hmm?

Can I tempt you
with some dessert?

Oh, frank,
this looks wonderful.

You've outdone yourself.

Just a sliver.

Oh, it was nothing.

I merely followed
the easy-to-read instructions

right on the box.

And, hey, here's a tip.

Just fold the exotic dancer
right into the cake.

That way, you save a step.

You don't have to wait
for the cake to finish baking.

I'll remember that
for my cake

for the next bake s--
you what?!

You baked a person in it?

An hour at 350?

D'oh, start digging, frank!

I get the Rose--

just dig, Duncan-hineder!

[All gasp]

Oh, it's beefcake.

- Hey.
- See, 'cause he's--

hush. Anyway, sirs,

our invention this week
is based

on the old American
tradition--

the junk drawer.

Yeah, hey, did you know
that Benjamin Franklin

invented the junk drawer?

And were he alive today,

he might've invented
the new American tradition,

the junk drawer organizer.

- Aah.
- Finally, there's
a place in this world

for those strange keys,
ketchup packets,

that linoleum knife with
the point broken off.

All those things that,
until now,

have defied the laws
of sequential occurrence

in space and time.

Yeah, and how many times

have you gone rooting
through your junk drawer

muttering to yourself,
"where'd I put that gun?"

Well, now there's
a place for it.

And-- and there's a place
for round band-aids,

and for that handful of gravel
that might be agate,

and your shoehorn,

and those two-inch
pieces of string

that might
come in handy someday.

Mm-hmm, hey, there's even
a separate compartment

for miscellaneous
grit and lint.

Already built-in.

So you don't have to!

- Huh?
- Huh?

What do you think, sirs?

We could get into a lot
of trouble for this, frank.

Oh, Joel, um.

Uh, everything's fine.
Nothing to see here.

Your feature presentation

is a film called
I accuse my parents.

Uh, you figure it out.

Enjoy it with the short
about truck farming.

We're have to answer to the
chippendale corporation

- for this, frank!
- Oh, hey.

The jaws of life, man!
Get the jaws of life!

- Cake?
- [All gasp]

- I'm better.
- [Alarm blares]

[All] Movie sign!

Easter bunny films presents.

Truck farmer--
the special edition.

Includes scenes the studio
originally thought

too graphic for audiences.

Wonder if they sold this film
door to door.

[Mimic horse hoofs]

- Oh, the donner party.
- [Narrator] Less than
a century ago,

our forefathers moved west

across the vast
and fertile plains

of our growing nation.

Hunting for good land.

Searching for
a place to farm.

[All] Help US!

--Time as romantic and
exciting.

Most of US think that these
people were really free.

But they were just stupid.

--They were restricted
in many ways.

Today we take a number
of foods for granted--

* surrey,
cross the Guernsey *

--they ate little
but meat and staples.

Here's a five-inch nail
for dessert. Go nuts.

--Meant the end of most
fresh vegetables.

Their opportunities
for a balanced diet

disappeared.

Instead they ate
the yellow snow.

--Snow covers the northern
part of our country.

- People die.
- --Great truck
farming areas

supply the constant demand

for fresh vegetables.

Florida is one
of the areas.

Even during bitter
northern winter,

harvesting
goes on in Florida.

These select few are making
three cents a day.

Let's take you back to
the days when ddt was safe.

And in California,

in the salinas valley
and other areas,

lettuce for the salads
and sandwiches of a nation

is harvested fresh
in wintertime.

Oh, you know,
everything looks so good

on this salad bar.

Oh heavens yes, everything
looks so fresh and delightful.

I'm just gonna have
a small salad,

maybe some soup, and then
treat myself to some fro-yo.

Oh, where else
are people exploited?

Why-- down on
the southern border.

--Skilled hands
shake bundles

of fresh carrots
in January.

In recent decades,
truck farming

has become big business.

But not for these people.

A lot of factors help.

But no one can deny

the important role
of power machinery.

Aah! It's killdozer!
Clint Walker, no!

Here, thousands of acres
of rainforest are cleared away.

Who cares?

Stupid trees.
God, I hate 'em.

Early tractor pulls.
Not that much fun.

This is the freestyle
competition.

Don't see many
of these trees anymore.

Well, down it goes.

The sad thing is this guy
doesn't even work for anybody.

He's just doing this
for kicks.

Well, here as
anointed by god,

man holds dominion
over his earth.

By hand,
the land would've taken

weeks of hard labor
to clear.

- Stick farmers.
- But now trees and brush

can be cleared
and burned in days.

- Well, that's cheerful.
- And the land

readied for the plow.

Speed the plow.

I'm thinking of telling
my wife I love her.

Nah, forget it.
Not worth it.

- * go speed farmer
- [all] * go speed farmer

[all]
* go speed farmer go

after plowing,
a seed bed is prepared

by a modern disk harrow.

Breaking up
the clods of earth.

There's something
you don't see every day.

- What's that?
- A farmer with all his limbs.

Sorry.

[Bots mimic quack-like music]

Now, duck news.
Here's Hugh mcquacken.

- Harrowing, isn't it?
- D'oh.

Harrowing cause--
farmer joke.

And then planting
and fertilizing.

Fertilizer, which not only
increases the yield

but adds to the food value
of the vegetable,

is added to the soil
through one set of hoppers.

While the other set of hoppers
plants the seed.

And remember, be sure to use

lots and lots of chemicals
for a good crop.

Even cultivating is done

with the help
of modern machinery.

In some places,

a rotary hoe is used
to destroy weeds.

You know, I saw that
on children of the corn.

Most farmers
like to listen

to Igor stravinsky
when they farm.

But where mechanical means
are dangerous,

chemical cultivation
is often used.

Especially
selected chemicals

that destroy weeds
without--

- [all cough]
- --Injuring vegetables,

- --are sprayed in the fields.
- * hooray for chemicals

here in southern Texas,

there is an
additional problem.

- Texans.
- Adequate supplies
of water.

The rio grande, with
the help of the truck farmer,

makes up for
the scanty amount of rain.

Yeah, let me harness
this thing here--

well, I'll be damned!
I'm in Mexico.

[Servo hums]

- Up river, a huge dam
- [crow spits]

Ensures a constant supply
of water the year round.

The Ty-d-bol man.

A complicated system
of irrigation is used.

Oh, real complicated.

Great care is taken
to see that

none of the precious water
is wasted.

I wanted to be
a choreographer.

Oh, this is an artistic view
of farming.

[Crow coughs]

- I love you, Earl.
- Uh, not here, Tom.

- I love you.
- No. Oh.

Charley varrick is employed.

- On large farms,
- [servo coughs]

The speed and versatility
of the airplane

is often used
to control insect pests

by quickly dusting
wide areas.

Some farms use mechanical
sprayers in the fields.

There's nothing
we can't spray.

Finally, plants ripen.

Now, this tomato
is highly deformed,

but cut off the eyes,
and it's good eating.

The last few days of growth

bring the vegetables
to their peak.

I'm peakin', man.

The fields
fill with people,

and a complex system
of harvesting

goes into high gear.

Lyndon Johnson.

- Here.
- Ripening tomatoes--

- put 'em in the basket.
- --Are carefully picked--

- I give up.
- --By experienced hands.

Uh, one.

Two.

Three.

Four.

- Five.
- --Income from the sale of--

- five.
- --Peas and other vegetables

averages more than a billion
and a half dollars a year.

But he'll see none of it!

-- Goes to truck farmers

- who raise
winter vegetables.
- I'm so happy.

Annual farm income produced
by vegetables alone

is nearly as great as

yearly farm income produced

by the sale
of bread grains.

Come on, work,
damn it, work.

You got a bean
in your pocket, I know it.

Oh, take your time, al.

Many truck crops,
like carrots,

are harvested
by hand labor.

Cheap, abused hand labor.

Here in the
rio grande delta,

Mexican citizens
who cross the border

on temporary
work permits help.

They make it sound so nice.

I'm from Canada--
what am I doing here?

A pre-teen is put to work.

Her beauty will soon fade.

While some carrots are
topped in the field

and sent to market
in pliofilm bags.

Many are harvested
and processed intact.

Oh, the great Hank
gets to work on the truck.

Hey, lay off,
I'm sick today.

[Servo coughs]

Oh, let's see,
what am I gonna have

or dinner tonight? Car--

no, not carrots.

A race against time.

Well, hey, I'm stacking 'em
as fast as I can.

Carrots are taken
to a packing plant

where a highly
mechanized process

of preparation
for market begins.

Here, they are interrogated.

--Organized
along factory lines.

The carrots
are washed first.

They're made flavorless,
so people will buy steak.

When they are topped
in the field,

the process is rapid.

Rabbit?

Some, of course,
are canned.

And turned into
carrot paint.

Some carrots are frozen.

Some carrots are
humiliated publicly.

Untopped carrots are
packed with chipped ice

to ensure freshness.

High-energy carrot top's
also packed in ice.

Soylent green
is made from people!

Hmm. Hey, can I borrow
your finger a second, len?

- Good.
- Despite the speed
and efficiency

of the process,

great care is taken
with the vegetables.

Varied skills are applied

at all stages
of the process.

I love my rubber apron.

An automatic machine

- puts a top--
- [servo groans]

And the finished box
is passed along

on a series of rollers

directly to a refrigerated
railroad car.

Where it is loaded
immediately.

Then sent back to the farm

and put back
into the ground.

It actually makes
no sense whatsoever.

More ice is poured into
the refrigerator car

to make sure that
the carrots

- are kept fresh.
- Neat.

Refrigeration,

like the development
of powered farm machinery,

is vital for large-scale
truck farming.

Later, this device is used
to beat back the workers.

--Is rapid transportation.

- [Servo laughs]
- The race to market

enters the final stages.

Uh, we haven't worked out
all the kinks yet.

All over the northern part
of the nation,

in the cities and towns,

the delivery
of these products

is now
taken for granted.

Yes, the south starves,

while the north
eats healthily.

--Truck farming
is a big business.

Vital to the health
of our nation.

Wait a minute-- has anybody

- seen a truck yet?
- Without it,

the balanced diet
so necessary

for our well-being

would be difficult indeed
to achieve

during the winter months.

Ah, j. Edgar hoover
goes shopping.

Hmm, let's see.

Well, it isn't meat,
but I suppose I'd better

buy some of these
just for appearances.

[Gasps] Cucumbers.

Because of our
truck farmers,

the vitamins and minerals

to be found
in fresh vegetables--

- are poisoned.
- --Are now readily
available

all year long.

In all parts of our
vigorous nation.

Praise the truck farmer!

Bow down before him!

Worship the truck farmer
at the church of your choice.

Offer burnt sacrifices
to the almighty truck farmer!

[All]
Hail, truck farmer!

Hail, truck farmer!

A-lalalalalala!

Penile replacement corporation
pictures presents!

Teahouse
of the August moon.

The John bradshaw story.

As long as it's not
John Hughes.

- Indeed.
- Yeah.

Oh, Robert lowell, the poet.

Hey, we didn't
get to read the-- oh.

Music by the little rascals.

Oh, songs, I hope
this isn't a musical.

[Servo sings]
* they laughed

* when I accused
my parents *

* and I killed them

* let's see if

* they'll be laughing

* now...

Did you know that
the role of al Frazier

was the most coveted role
at that time?

Really? Wow.

Sam newfield? He directed
jungle goddess.

Oh, well, th-- aah!

Part four,
citizens on patrol!

Hey, where's the cantankerous
but funny bailiff?

[Pounds gavel]

Who's there?

James Wilson?

During the progress
of this trial,

you have refused to testify
in your own defense.

And by your silence,
have prevented your counsel

from adequately
defending you.

You can't handle the truth!

-- With manslaughter.

And in the evidence
presented,

in the absence
of explanation

would warrant this court
in finding you guilty.

Before we go any farther,

I urge you
once again to speak.

If there is anything you
can say in your own defense.

Uh, sorry, I was looking
at your mole, sir.

* kiss the day goodbye...

- Blondie, no!
- You keep out of this!

I like jello.

Give 'em hell, Harry!

Well, maybe I shouldn't
say this your honor--

but I'm Esther rolle.

--But I accuse my parents.

- We have a title!
- We have a title, yes!

Whoa, huh,
that's making me sick.

Well, that was
a short movie.

Let US have order
in this court.

Oh, if only I was
hans hall right now.

Tell US exactly
what is in your mind.

You know, stuff.

Well, your honor.

I don't believe
my mother and father

should've ever had a child.

I was abused as a zygote.

--They ever wanted
the responsibility.

Well, everybody, settle in.

--Never unkind to me.

They gave me everything
I ever wanted except--

- pancakes.
- --Time and attention.

And money.

I learned
to put myself to bed

when I was
four or five years old.

And to get my own breakfast

if they weren't up yet when it
was time to go to school.

Yeah, boo-hoo,
we all have problems.

Did you get along well
in school?

Oh, yes, sir. I liked it.

I had some pretty good friends
among my classmates.

Hey, a simple
yes or no will do.

And now I'm going
to announce the winner

of the essay contest.

Sergeant, take the gun
and shoot the corporal.

--And proud that
this honor has fallen

to a pupil of our school,

James Wilson,

for his splendid essay--

I won, I won. [Laughs]

Come forward, James.

Well, maybe he just suspects
his parents at this point.

I would like to quote
a closing line

from James' essay,

which made
a particular appeal

to the judges--

- all life is travesty.
- In the ideal

American home,

- the father--
- conform.
- Conform.

- [All] Conform. Conform.
- Who is happy to care
for her children,

and they are thankful

for their happiness
and security.

When I accepted
the woman in me--

--want to meet
your mother, James.

We want to know the woman
who has inspired

this splendid essay.

Joan Crawford?

The committee of mothers
is meeting here tomorrow

at 11:00.

- Oh, it's b.Y.O.M.
- To discuss plans

for the graduation
exercises.

And we'd love
to have your mother

serve on the committee,
James.

I don't have a mom,
my dog ate her.

Very well, James.

Oh boy, oh boy,
I won, I won!

After 11 years
in high school,

I finally won!...Something.

- Hey, everybody
lives in that house.
- Yeah.

Mom! Mom!

Oh, mom--

oh no, mom's
in the bottle again!

Eh, looks like mom invited
Joe e. Lewis over again.

Well, she tidied up
the place.

Hmm.
"Went to store,

"scotch in fridge.
Love, mom."

"Buy yourself
another mother."

It says "p.S. Say yes

to Martini and rossi
on the rocks-- say yes."

Didn't cross her t.

Jeez, her handwriting
is terrible!

She drank all the gin.

Huh, ironically,
the humorful part

is he buys liquor
with the ten bucks.

- D'oh!
- He does.

Where do I start?
It all looks so good.

The vodka clashes with
the coffee table.

Mom is hot!

- [Bots growl]
- Hello, Jimmy.

- Oh, hello, Shirley.
- Is your mother home?

- No, she isn't.
- Oh, never mind.

I didn't want
to see her especially.

Besides, I can
see her later.

Okay, who are you?

You can offer me a drink
if you wanna.

And I think you wanna.

Sure, help yourself.

- Just pick a table.
- Thanks.

It's a booze progressive
dinner, here.

Well, how about you?

Come on, join me.

Can't do any more
than kill you.

No thanks, not for me.

I've been hitting it
too hard, lately.

Yeah, I know,
it's kind of tough

when it gets
the best of you.

Well, here goes
for both of US.

Hey, that's my booze.

Looks like you're having
yourselves a time, you too.

Suddenly,
the thin man enters.

What goes on here?

This is my first.

- I wouldn't know about Jim.
- Beam.

- Mother home yet?
- No.

Means another cold supper,
I suppose.

Vodka sandwiches.

What can you expect?
Nine times out of ten,

if she did stay home
all day cooking,

you'd phone the last minute
you had a business date

- and couldn't make it.
- You the Greek chorus?

You women certainly
stick together, don't you?

Not necessarily.

I'd rather stick
to an attractive man.

Dad, do you mind?

Whoop, warden.

Home so early, Dan?

I was a half hour late.

But I was only detained
on business.

You probably had
more important things to do.

You needn't be
so cross about it.

I'm sorry if I'm late.

But the buses are so crowded,
and I couldn't get a taxi.

I suppose you couldn't've
tried an hour earlier.

No, I couldn't.

Fix mother a drink, James.
I'm-- I'm exhausted.

From drinking so much.

Are we gonna have
any dinner tonight?

In a minute,
it's all in the ice box.

Hey, could somebody please
do an intervention?

- --Shirley?
- Oh, no thanks.

I have a date.

- Another time, then.
- Thanks.

- Ready for our date?
- Well,

may the best man win.

Who is that?

I've had just about
enough of this.

I won't put up
with it any longer.

- What're you talking about?
- The whole setup!

No decent meals on time.

The house is always
in a mess.

While you're gadding about,
making a fool of yourself.

- I got an "a"--
- you do what you please.

Why shouldn't I do
what I please?

- That's okay with me.
- The teacher said--

but you're not going
to do it while you're my wife.

That suits me.

You don't suppose I like
going on like this, do you?

I'd've divorced you years ago
if it hadn't been for Jimmy.

Mother, dad, please.

A flood of help
you've been to him.

A fine home you've
made for him.

- But I got a--
- well, how about
the example

you've set him?
Out gambling every night.

Sometimes not even
coming home at all.

- Really good paper--
- a man has to do something
to pass the time.

- Teacher said I was--

- then why do you come home?
- Maybe I won't in the future.

- But I can't--
- dad.

- Freshen your drink?
- I've got something
to say to you.

- Yeah son?
- It's something
about school.

I won the essay contest,
and the principal said--

well, say, that's fine.

Here's $5.
Go out and celebrate.

Spend it on
loose leaf paper.

There goes a great man.

What about my $5?

Oh, jeez.

This guy's made
more money today

than I did all the way
through high school.

- He'll be back.
- With another woman.

I don't care
if he comes back or not.

Won't be any different
if he does.

Well, maybe it will.

You see, I didn't tell dad
all that happened

at school today.

The principal
wants you to meet with

the parents graduation committee
tomorrow at 11.

Mrs. Carlyle and Mrs. Whitney
are gonna be there.

All the most important women
in the neighborhood.

- Is there a bar?
- Oh, Jimmy.

--And they really
want me to be there?

Oh, sure they do,
and I want you to go, mom.

Yeah, they need
a laughingstock.

I could wear my new
afternoon dress.

And that hat I just bought.

Oh, wait till he gets
the bill for that hat.

Okay, so, is everybody done

with their
art therapy project?

Joel, what's the point

of this art therapy stuff
anyway, huh?

Well, by having you
draw pictures

of your idealized family,
maybe you can escape

some of the deep
psychological problems

that Jimmy,
the star of today's movie,

suffer because
of his family.

So let's see what
you've drawn, okay?

This is crow's.

That's my dad.
He's all-powerful.

His hands are made
of stainless steel,

and he has lasers that

shoot out of his chest.
Pew-pew!

I don't have to tell you
he's the coolest dad

in the whole neighborhood.

And we-- when we go
to father-son picnics,

we win every event.

And he dispenses
homespun wisdom,

and teaches
solid midwestern values

while crushing all
who block his path.

Uh-huh, what about
the handlebar mustache?

I don't know.

O-Kay.

Let's see here.

Uh, oral obsession
with mustache

indicates
nasal-labial shame.

- Sounds serious.
- Okay.

Now let's see yours here.
Tom, what's this?

Okey-doke, uh,
that's my mom, my dad,

and my mom.
My mom is Hayley mills,

my dad is gigantor,
and my mom is Peggy cass.

Uh-huh, and why are your moms
holding hands, Tom?

I don't know.

O-Kay.

Let's see, latent
parent-trap syndrome.

Man should be
in a straitjacket.

Okay, gypsy, well,
this one's really nice.

What's this one?

Joel, my ideal family
is right here.

And I know Richard basehart
watches over US all.

- Huh.
- Oh...

That's really sweet, gypsy,
but tell me--

why does Richard basehart
get to play god?

I don't know.

Joel, why are you
spending your time

psychoanalyzing robots?

Um... I don't know.

I'm kidding, of course.
We'll be right back.

I do know.
I really do know.

[Dan laughs]

What? What's so funny?

That Joe bolster.

He just cracks me up.

The mirror
ought to tell you.

I'm getting ready
to go to Jim's school.

Well, you certainly
look the part.

Why don't you act your age?

Stop criticizing me.

You don't like my clothes.
You don't like my hat.

You don't like it
if I sit around here.

You don't like it
if I go out.

Oh, let's stop
this ridiculous farce.

Why don't we quit?

- I-- I like your hat.
- Great idea.

Thanks for the suggestion.

So they're divorced now?
That was easy.

Hmm, he's a good husband.

He just has a hard time
expressing his feelings.

She's got a sea anemone
on her head.

* mirror mirror
on the wall *

can I make it to last call?

I'm gonna work on
the decorating committee.

Oh, isn't that swell?

Some of US girls thought
we could bring some flowers.

I'm gonna build a blimp
and fight the Nazis.

--To win the contest.

I think he should read it at
the graduation exercises.

Why, yes, what
an excellent idea.

Wow, the whole school
seems to be

buzzing about that essay.

--My home, that's all.

It's the way
any other fella's is.

The way a home ought to be.

A very happy home,
obviously.

I'm most anxious
to meet your mother.

Oh, mom's swell.

[All]
* liar! Liar! Liar!

--I had a lot
of brothers and sisters.

She must take
a great interest in her home.

She does. That's all
she thinks about.

Oh, that and twist-off caps.

What's more important when
you come right down to it?

A woman's job is her home
and family, isn't it?

At least, that's the way
my mom figures.

Mrs.- hello everybody.
- Oh, and did I tell you
she drinks?

Sorry if I'm late.

Miss reardon drinks a lot.

I'm Jimmy Wilson's mother.

- [Giggles] She's drunk.
- It's funny!

How shocking.

Eleanor Roosevelt's pissed.

- Ooh.
- How terrible.

- How dreadf--
- mom!

Did you bring another glass?

Am I late?
When's the meeting start?

Come on, mom, let's go home.

Oh, what's your hurry?
Aren't you gonna introduce me?

Some other time, mom, please.
Come on, let's go home.

So long, Mrs.... um,
"lush," was it? Yes.

I wanna go to the meeting.

Later, in prison.

- She's drunk.
- It's funny.

How shocking.

I wish my peers would
get out of my head.

I'm trying to sleep.

How dreadful.

* I'm walking
yes, indeed *

* I'm talking
I accuse my parents--

he wants to turn his essay
into a screenplay.

Oh, there's some people
from lorimar

who are interested.

Wanted. Mother.

Hmm.

- Did you ever
sell shoes before?
- Uh, no sir.

A young al Bundy.

- --If you give me a try.
- You live with your parents?

Uh, yes, sir.

- Well, you look
like a good boy.
- [All] Hey.

Now, the job pays
$25 a week,

and you get
an hour off for lunch.

Gotta be here
every morning at nine.

Work till six. Okay?

- Yes, sir.
- Okay.

And I'll show you the stock.

Hey, he sneezed
all over the window.

Let her out!
Let her out!

She's frozen.

Oh, she's a frosted
mini-Pearl.

The hat.

The big goober over here.

And down there.

Oh, I get it.
You wanna see my knees.

Why did he spray desenex
all over the window?

He just doesn't get it,
does he?

No, no, you're
ruining it for me.

I want you
to put on some shoes.

Oh, come on, just clean
the whole window.

Jeez.

Your mother's in detox.

Come quickly.

Ah, get in here. Jeez.

Aah, that's a good idea.

Please don't touch
the customers, Jim.

You interested
in something in shoes?

No, a fish sandwich--
what do you think?

Yes.

I'd like to see those
suede slippers in the window.

The black ones with the bows.

I won an essay contest.

My mom doesn't drink.

[Along with score]
* I'll sell some shoes

* I'll sell some shoes

- * I'll sell some shoes
- you'd better
let me help you.

Oh, that's all right.

Cruel shoes.

Ow.

I like your underwear.

[All] P-u!

There's cheese in here!

Brannick! Da-da da-da.

Eight? Oh,
you'd better try again.

There's something wrong.

* I'll try again

* 'cause something's wrong

- better with your hand out.
- Oh.

Well, it says here
your feet don't exist.

Sixes.

[Laughs] Sixes.

Oh! My area.

Hogan, push the other shoes.

Heil Hitler.

Can I show you something
in a size "me"?

Hey, those are
her old shoes.

These are red goose shoes,
so you get a free egg.

I got my thumb caught.

Jeez, it's a good thing

she's not trying on
a girdle.

What do you think?

Beautiful.

- The shoes, I mean.
- Oh-- ugly.

Oh, they look like they
might've been made for you.

- They probably were.
- My husband is buster brown.

I'm a fatalist.
I believe that

everything happens
as it should happen.

Just like my coming in here

and buying these shoes
from you.

- You really believe that?
- Of course.

- How much are they?
- Um, $9.95
including tax.

Well, you'll have
to send them c.O.D.

Oh, I'm sorry,
we can't do that.

I mean, we don't
make deliveries, see.

I mean you're a bad person--
I mean--

maybe you could drop them off
on your way home.

- Yeah, maybe I could.
- My name's kitty Reed.

Oh yeah, bring it in.
That's right.

Set the hook, there you go.

What time will you be by?

Well, I get off work
about six.

I guess I could make it
in about ten minutes.

Oh, that's fine,
I'll be looking for you.

- Okay. Bye.
- Bye.

Are we in love yet?
Uh, okay.

Gee, it's 6:11 already.
Where is he?

[Doorbell buzzes]

Oh, quick, out the back way.

She's got a closet
full of dead shoe-salesmen.

- Love me!
- Hello.

- Here's your shoes.
- Thanks.

But, uh, you're
two minutes late.

Yeah, I know, I had
to put away some of the stock.

Well, come on in.

Quack, quack.
Quack-quack-quack.

[More quacking]

You know, it might
not be important,

but if someone dropped in
accidentally

and I had to introduce you--

if I was in my underwear
and you were on the trapeze.

- --I knew your name.
- Oh, James Wilson.

But everybody calls me Jimmy.

Okay, Jimmy.
Everyone calls me kitty.

I don't know why--
my name is Susan.

Okay, kitty.

And will you have some?

Or would you
rather have a drink?

Oh, no thanks, not for me.

I've been hitting that stuff
kind of heavy lately.

Besides, my mother doesn't like

to smell it on my breath.
You know how mothers are.

Well, then,
how about a bong?

I never had one myself.
Enough to remember.

I was torn from
the thigh of Zeus.

I got used to being
on my own a long time ago.

- [Servo laughs]
- Do you live here alone?

No, with Vera Moore.
She's in the show with me.

Oh, are you an actress?

Well, not
an actress exactly.

I-- I work in a nightclub.

The paradise-- have you
ever been there?

No, but I'll come
and see you some night.

Oh, that's swell, Jimmy.
I'll be looking for you.

You know, it'd seem
kind of strange to me.

Just living here like this
with another friend.

Yeah, I know.

Not having anyone
to come home to.

- Like a family.
- That's right.

Why, when I open the door,
my mom is sure to call out

- "is that you, Jim?"
- Liar.

No matter what time
of day or night it is.

- I get so I expect it.
- Double-lie.

Of course, I always tell her

to go to bed
when I'm gonna be late,

- but she never does.
- Big fat lie.

She worries about me,
I guess, she...

Can't rest until I get home.

He's a gifted storyteller.

Oh, she is, she's wonderful.

- Lie.
- She's the best mother
a guy ever had.

- Double-lie.
- And dad's
pretty swell, too.

He takes an interest
in everything I do.

Why, when we talk,
it's just like

two fellas my age
instead of father and son.

Mom says she really
has two beaus.

Well, it's getting
really late-- I think...

--Like that.
I almost did.

My folks split up
about three years ago,

and I've been
on my own ever since.

Well, you seem to have done
pretty well on your own.

Not nearly as well as me
with my mother, of course.

I wish I could believe that.

Can I just tell you
one more thing about my mom?

Well, I'd better
pay you for the shoes

before I talk you out of it.

Oh, no, don't do that.
I mean,

I'd like to give them
to you as a gift.

If you let me.
As a sort of a celebration.

You see, you were
my first customer.

- Well, that's
awfully sweet, but--
- weird.

--You can't afford to give me
a gift like that, can you?

Oh, sure I can,
I've got plenty of money.

I'm not just an ordinary
shoe salesman--

[all]
* liar, liar, liar

--if I like it and decide
to stay, why, my dad--

the clock is bugged!

Oh, I see.

1,700 lies later.

And, of course, I was
the last one out of Saigon.

That's my first
baby picture.

- Isn't it awful?
- No, I think it's kind of cute.

Did I mention i'm
an olympic champion?

- --I was ten.
- Hey, even at ten,

- you were gonna be beautiful.
- What happened?

And that's aunt Harriet.

'Nuff said.

She suffered from
chronic indigestion.

Yeah, I guess she was
suffering from something.

Take it back! Take it back!

Oh, say, it's late,
I have to be

at the paradise
in a half hour.

Oh, well I'd better go, then.

And quick.

So, will I see you soon?

I hope so, Jimmy.

Wow.

This is one successful
shoe salesman.

Open mouth, close sale.

Pardon me, I thought
you'd be gone.

Kind of late, aren't you?

Can I just tell you
about my mom once?

Oh, I was
just ready to leave.

Miss Vera Moore,
Mr. Jimmy Wilson.

- How do you do?
- I'm doing fine.

So are you, I see.

- Well, so long, kitty.
- Bye, Jimmy.

Quack quack quack.
Quack quack.

* oh, yes,
it's late as night *

* and the feeling's right

oh, what a night.

Hey, what is this?

You'd better watch your step,
hadn't you?

Well, no problem
with my new shoes.

- Blake?
- Yeah, Blake.

In case you'd forgotten,
he's madly in love with you.

Oh, Blake!

Yeah, I know.

But Jimmy seems so different.
He's so sweet.

He knows my shoe size.

The kind of a kid
every girl dreams about.

He won an essay contest,
you know.

--Don't tell me
it's love at first sight.

Well, what's so impossible
about that?

Who knows what lurks
in the hearts of men?

The shadow knows.

- He lives in monticello.
- Doesn't everybody?

I-- huh?

Hey, I won the essay c-- oh.

Well, come on in, we invited
the cast from gigi over.

- Thanks, sister.
- Hey, come back with that!

Walt Disney interviewing
another snow white.

Gee, kind of slow night
for a Monday.

You know, the trouble with
cocktail parties

is that they end too soon.

They don't have to.

You can make them last
as long as you like.

Well, I'd like this one
to last at least three days.

Step-one-two-three-four
and step.

--He's at the beach.
He's got lots of room,

lots of liquor.
We could spend the weekend.

That's a wonderful idea.

Listen everybody,
how about going down

to Jack Taylor's at the beach
for the weekend?

[People shout]

Anybody know
who Jack Taylor is?

Hey, don't leave
'cause I'm here.

Huh?

I won the...
Essay... contest.

--To the beach tonight.

Oh, Jimmy, I didn't know
you were home.

Well, I guess you forgot.
Tomorrow's my birthday.

It was your birthday
last year!

--But here, here's $20.

Go out and have a party
with your own friends.

Take out your best girl.

Well, that's what I wanted
to talk to you and mom about.

Oh, then there is a woman
in the case.

And what a woman--
take a look at this.

Hey, gang,
Jimmy's got a girl.

Oh-ho-ho.

- Let's strip him!
- Yeah, come on!

Wait a minute,
by my calculations,

he's made $35.

Minus $9.95 for the shoes.

Mom's swell.

Birthday scam worked again.

Uh. So that's why
that guy on the bus

was looking at me all funny.

Oh, a wise guy, eh?

Happy birthday to me.

Guess I could buy
a friend with this.

Jack Taylor's
got a great place!

Welcome back to the 12th annual
essay awards ceremony.

Ah, monsieur wick.

- Do you desire a table?
- Uh, yes.

- This way pl--
- do you know when
Ms. Kitty Reed goes on?

Right after this number.

She's putting on
her tassels now.

Hi, I'm the essay guy.

Hi! Essay guy's here.
That's me.

Essay's my name.

- Monsieur.
- Monsieur,
I must warn you.

The act is messy.

You will get wet
on this ride.

[Speaks French]

Uh, well, bring me
two champagne cocktails.

- Two?
- Yes, two.

Yeah, and put them in one of
those big slurpee glasses too.

** [horn section]

- Charge!
- Now, ladies
and gentlemen.

It gives me great pleasure
to introduce to you

our singing star,
miss kitty Reed.

This is her over here.
Isn't she beautiful?

Take a look.

What do you think?

** [music starts]

[Servo laughs nervously]

Geena Davis.

* are you happy

- define happy.
- * in your work?

Ah, don't sing this
to me on a Monday.

* ever shirk?

* does your morning menu

* really send you
on your way? *

I'll have the skillet
scrambled and fries.

* greet each day

* and is it a steal?
A real appeal *

* to feel you're
earning your pay? *

I came to tell you you have
to pay for the shoes.

* are you grateful

* you're alive?

* is your day full--

hey, Walter Lance!

Hey, what do you know?

* livin' in the rhythm

* that I'm speaking of

can I order please!

* --your work
if you're in love *

I know how toast works.

* are you happy

* in your work?

Well, I was.

* though you're banker

* or a clerk

where is this guy?
Do you know what table?

- * --delicious--
- hey, showbiz,

can we get our food
over here?

* --do your hours spin?

* and are you aglow
the checks you pull *

* know you're
making your tin *

bite me.

* could you carry

* crumbs away

uh, no, heh.

* are you married

- * with your tray?
- It's difficult.

- * never--
- uh, I'll just go now.

* speaking of--

- hey, I got a great idea.
- What?

You go get gypsy.
I'll get the costumes.

It just might work.

** [music starts]

[Servo lip-syncs movie]
And now, ladies and gentlemen.

It gives me great pleasure
to introduce to you

our singing star,
miss kitty Reed.

[Applause]

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you very much.
Thank you.

** [music starts]

* are you happy

* in your work?

* do you never

* ever shirk?

* does your morning menu

* really send you
on your way? *

* do you greet each day

* and is it a steal?
A real appeal *

* to feel you're
earning your pay? *

* are you grateful

* you're alive?

* is your day full

* nine to five?

* livin' in the rhythm

* that I'm speaking of

* you'll be happy
in your work *

* if you're in love

* are you happy

* in your work?

* though you're banker

* or a clerk

* are your dishes
as delicious *

* as your happy grin?

* do your hours spin?

* and are you aglow
the checks you pull *

* no, you're making
your tin *

* could you carry

* crumbs away

* are you married

* with your tray?

* livin' in the rhythm

* that I'm speaking of

* you'll be happy
in your work *

* if you're in love

** [music slows, stops]

Oh, what happened?

Oh, gee, I think we spilled
some champagne cocktail

into cambot's
sequencer here.

- Sorry everybody, sorry.
- Tom servo, you know
what to do.

Get down there
and mop that up.

I'm sorry, gypsy,
it was going so good.

Well, I guess we'll have
to take it from the top!

Oh no! Not again!

[All clamor]

I think we got
movie sign!

Oh, thanks.

And now, thom mcan
and the payless orchestra.

With Cole haan
on the saxophone,

then the naturalizers sing

something by
johnston and Murphy.

I synthesized animal protein
in my lab today.

You know, I'm glad
you came over at that.

- Are you really?
- No.

Well, if we're
gonna be friends,

it'll give US a chance
to get better acquainted.

Oh, I feel as though I've
known you for years already.

Oh, you do?

Well, suppose you start telling
me something about myself.

- All right.
- Well, you're hot.

Let's see, when you were
ten years old--

oh, now, wait a minute.

That's gonna
be a long story.

Suppose we sit
the rest of this one out.

Okay.

I took the Liberty
of sitting here.

I hope you don't mind.

- Not at all.
- Who are you?

Oh, this is Jimmy Wilson.

Boy from my hometown.

I met him today by accident.

This is Mr. Blake, Jimmy.
My boss.

How do you do?

I'm glad to know
any friend of kitty's.

You gonna be in town long,
Mr. Wilson?

- I live here.
- In a castle and stuff.

I guess you see
quite a change in kitty

since the last time
you saw her, huh?

Oh, not so very much.

Of course,
her clothes are different.

Yes, I'm sure they are.
You see,

she spends
a lot more nowadays

then she did back in Iowa.

- Ooh, that's cold. Ouch.
- Right, kitty?

Okay, Charlie.

Now, if you'll excuse US--

oh, sure, go right ahead.

Thank you.

I'm waiting for a call
from the president,

so I couldn't dance anyway.

So who's the stiff?

Where'd you run into
little lord fauntleroy?

In a shoe store.

I went in to buy some shoes,
and there he was.

Isn't that
a funny coincidence?

Selling shoes, huh?

Hi, I sell shoes.

Seems like a nice kid.

I might be able
to help him do better.

Look, Charlie, lay off.

I'm only trying to help him.

I know other people you've
helped, and they all--

--end up like
when you was a kid.

Just whose welfare are you
interested in? His or mine?

Yours, of course.

Okay, see that
it stays that way.

I want you to give me
a buildup for the kid.

Tell him what
a great guy I am.

What a good friend
I've been to you.

I might find him useful.

Then I'll throw him away
like a paper towel.

In our audience tonight?
Tony "big tuna" accardo.

Stand up, Tony.

I went and liberated France
while you were dancing.

Yeah, I fixed your chair too.
Doesn't squeak anymore.

Well, I ordered for all of US.
I hope it's all right.

But, you see,
tomorrow's my birthday,

- and I'm celebrating.
- Okay, enough with
the birthday.

All right. As a matter of fact,
we'll make a night out of it.

- What do you say, kitten?
- Meow!

Well-- fine, I'm for it.

Well, here you are, Jimmy.
Happy birthday to you.

- Thank you.
- Happy birthday, Jimmy.

So then my mom says
to Roosevelt and Churchill,

she says, "what about some kind
of lend-lease program?"

Sssso...

Suddenly they're at
a hee-haw wrap party.

Oh, they'd better not sing

"achy breaky heart" again.

Jules and Jim.

Welp, we're going
to the buffet.

* oh, you groovin'

* with your cuckoo work,
hey! *

everything satisfactory,
Mr. Blake?

Oh, fine. Thanks, Trent.

Say, you haven't forgotten
about that package

you left with me?

Well, no. No.

I'll have it picked up
in a couple of days.

- Okay.
- And Trent?

- I love you.
- This party's on the kid.

Thanks.

Say, what're you
doing tomorrow?

Or today, I guess.

It must be
Sunday morning already.

It is-- why?
What's on your mind?

Well, I thought with
my folks away,

that we could spend
my birthday together.

Oh, why not?

I'll tell you Jimmy, you come
to my apartment about 12:00,

and I'll fix you
an old-fashioned
birthday breakfast.

You know,
coffee and cigarettes.

Oh, swell. You know,
tonight's been great,

only it'd be nicer if
Mr. Blake hadn't come along.

You'd ask him, he'd say
the same about you.

Don't you like Mr. Blake?

Oh, I guess he's
all right, only...

Well, isn't he all right?

Yeah, I guess.

Well, don't you like him?

He's my main squeeze, Jimmy.

--I wouldn't want you
to be like him.

Why? What's wrong with him?

Oh, he's a money man.
Wants to get rich quick.

Hey, is that bad?

Sometimes.

I think you have
a better future

in the shoe business.

How about essay-writing?
I'm good at that.

Thank you.

Oh, kitty, Trent's been asking
if you'd sing a song.

Why, I'd be glad to,
Mr. Trent.

Thanks, Ms. Reed, it'll be
a treat for my patrons.

- Excuse me.
- How about
"love to love you baby"?

So, Jimmy, do you like
your kneecaps?

Ladies and gentlemen,

I have a big surprise
for you this evening.

I'm Rudolph hess.

--Ms. Kitty Reed.

Hey, we want grandpa Jones!

You're too old
to cut the mustard!

You know anything
by Donna summer?

- Nice girl, isn't she?
- Oh, she sure is.

I've never met
anyone like her before.

Take it back, take it back!

--Expensive girl
to take out.

Oh, nothing's too good
for a girl like her.

** [music starts]

Honey, don't slouch.

Up straight.

Whee!

* love came between US

* showed US the way

* love must've seen US

the silo of power horn section.

[Bots laugh]

Ding ding! Order up!
Come on, pick it up!

* we were going this way

* that way, this way

* then it took US
by the hand *

wait a second-- she's got

a pig in a blanket
on her head.

* showed US the kiss way

* to the promised land

the "kiss way
to the promised land"?

* --recommended

* taking a spin

yes, Satan, speak to me
through this song.

[Crow chuckles]

* we should get in

* the swim

* right from the start

* my heart has

* felt no pain

'cause i'm
hand-dipped in gin.

* for grass
is the greenest *

- she's looking at me.
- No, she's looking at me.

- Am too!
- Am not!

[Both] Huh?

All skate, now. All skate.

* love came between US

* la-da-da da

* forgot the words
a little bit-ah *

* --must've seen US

* wandering around

k-- Kowalski, table
for seven. Kowalski.

* we were going this way

* that way this way

* then it took US
by the hand *

- check please!
- Check please!

Are our mozzarella sticks
almost up?

Check please, please.

* --to the promised land

last call!
Last call for alcohol.

* -- recommended

[chuckles] I like songs.

* la da da da

* da-- love sure intended

* we should
get in the swim *

[servo mimics intercom]
All cheese-busters

are now $1.45.

There is also a green
and white station wagon

parked in the delivery zone.

[Chuckles] Wear pants.

* the grass
is the greenest *

* since love
came between US *

* to lead US down

* the Lane--

* to hell

* you should've seen US

* when love
came between US *

* to lead US down that

* lover's Lane

boy, she's really rocking
this mother, isn't she?

- Ouch.
- Thank you!

Oh, the mob's gone country.

- Thank you, Ms. Reed.
- Thank you, Ms. Reed.

Gee, you were swell, kitty.

- Thanks, Jimmy.
- So, as I was saying, Jimmy.

If you'd like to add
to your income sometime,

I might be able to throw
a few odd jobs your way.

What kind of odd jobs?

Oh, little things
you could do for me.

- After working hours.
- Sod farming.

Here's my card,
if you're interested.

- Look me up sometime.
- Well, thanks. I will.

- Mobs "r" US.
- We got places to go.

- Waiter, check.
- Checkmate.

- Oh, thanks.
- Oh, let me have that.

You took care of it
at the paradise.

- Okay.
- I'll just take a-- oop!

[Servo stammers]

Jeez, who ate
all this stuff?

And a cover.

Do you remember
a fourth person sitting here?

Gee, I'm afraid I don't have
quite enough cash to cover this.

Oh, they'll take a check.

Oh, will they? Well,
have you got a blank check?

- Sure.
- How're you fixed
for socks and underwear?

Her cigarette
is velcroed to her lip.

I see you use
the same bank I do.

Oh, well they're
your checks.

Ever get bit by a dead bee?

Oh, I don't have
any other tables.

That's okay.

Is everything current,
Mr. Disraeli?

Here, buy yourself
a rototiller.

Well, let's get going.

Come on.

Yes, sir?

I want you to go to the bank
for me and make a deposit.

- Yes, sir.
- And, uh, Jimmy?

- Uh, I love you.
- You might put these through.

Maybe they'll be good now.

They bounce back again,

I'm gonna put
that Mr. Smith in jail.

Gee, that's quite
a coincidence,

'cause I just
wrote a bad check,

and if I had some
extra cash, i-- oh.

One plus one is... two.

* do I know where
I'm going to... *

* I'm stupid, yes indeed

* I'm stupid

- wee-hoo!
- [They mimic gunfight]

Wee-hoo!

Ah, quite a long line
at the petty larceny window.

Ah... one.

Ah... two.

Uh-oh, I think he's gonna give
Mr. Potter his newspaper.

Right.

- My mom doesn't drink!
- Take the other window.

Oh, thanks.

What's the secret word?

Say the secret word
and win a hundred dollars.

I'd like to deposit
some guilt

and withdraw
some denial, please?

I'm sorry, you can't
deposit this.

Oh.

I'm sorry, you can't

put that in your
pocket either.

Nice cuticles.

Sit down.
I'm glad you dropped in.

You've been thinking
about my suggestion.

Yes, in a way, I have.
You see--

and you could use a little
cash, is that right?

Yes, there's a friend
of mine in trouble,

and I'd like
to help him out.

- Well, how much do you want?
- About $100.

- Or $72.80.
- Well, that's a lot
of money, Jimmy.

- Get out, get out!
- But I guess I can
advance it to you.

When you begin
to work for me, why,

you can pay me back.

That'd be swell
if you would, Mr. Blake.

I could start working
for you any time you say.

Good, you can
begin right now.

First thing
I want you to do is

to go to the bank
and rent a safe deposit box.

At times, there may be
some valuable papers

I want you
to take care of for me.

- All right, I'll do that.
- Do what?-- Oh!

Now, don't be surprised
if this job

gets you up at odd hours
of the night.

I'll make it
worth your while.

Well, maybe I ought
to quit the shoe store.

No, there's no need
to do that.

You stay at the store until
I get you on a full-time job.

If you say so.

Now, tonight, I want you
to go to this address.

And pick up a package.

- And whack somebody.
- You just show him this,

and he'll know it's okay.

Well, should I bring
the package back?

- No--
- no, no, no!

--Box, and I'll let you know
when I want it.

- All right.
- Jimmy.

This'll take care
of the rental of the box,

and you can keep
the rest of it.

- Thanks.
- By the way,

I'd rather you
wouldn't say anything

to anyone about
working for me.

You know,
if your boss found out,

- he might not like it.
- I won't.

And when you get through work
tomorrow, give me a ring.

- Yes, sir.
- Oh, and, uh,

leave your soul
with the receptionist.

* I knew I'd go
from rags to riches! *

nope, sorry, honey,
I'm eating

all four of my lobsters.

Okay, here you go, Jimmy.

And make sure nobody sees
this pound of bacon, see?

I'm taking you
downtown, honey.

[Joel laughs] I'm kidding!

Uh, bu-- where should
I put my hand?

It's kind of awkward.

Senator Paul Simon.

Hey, you two
staying home tonight?

Hah, well, your father's
going to the club

to play cards later.

I thought you and I
might do something,

but I see you
have other plans.

- Oh, I'm sorry--
- he's dead!

Why don't you call up
one of your gang?

Maybe I will.

Well, goodbye now.

- Bye.
- [Dad groans]

[Crow mimics groan]

You think
he'd ever accuse US?

--Changed these last few weeks.
Have you noticed it, Dan?

- Jimmy who?
- Yeah, he seems to have
grown up overnight.

Well, I don't like it.

What do you suppose he's doing
out every night in the week?

For several nights,
he didn't come home at all.

Maybe he stayed
with a friend.

It's a little late to start
asking questions now.

Well, after all,
your his father.

You ought to
keep an eye on him.

Well, you're his mother.

You stay home once in a while,
you might know what he's up to.

The talking corpse,
ladies and gentlemen.

--A girlfriend, that's all.

I had when I was his age.

And then I died inside.

--Taking after you.

That's it,
there's a six-pack

calling my name.

- Hello, kitty.
- Quack, quack, quack.

I brought you
a little something.

- Quack quack quack.
- Oh, Jimmy.

- Leftover Chinese!
- Not another present!

Why, sure. I like buying
presents for you.

- It's fun.
- But I always have
to pay for them.

Jimmy, I don't want you
to be offended,

but I've got
to ask you something.

Do I have a weird profile?

--Mixed up in anything that
isn't quite on the level,
are you?

Whatever gave you that idea?

I'm just selling drugs
to school kids.

--Except that you have so much
more money to spend lately.

- Oh, the mob ties.
- Look,

don't you worry about me.

I wouldn't do
anything that wasn't

on the right side
of the law.

I hope not, Jimmy.

You're so sweet, I wouldn't
want you to change.

- Why should I change?
- I'll always wear
jed clampett's hat.

People do in this town.

- Circle pines'll do that.
- --You don't, kitty.

Now let me have
that tongue of yours.

Say, Eddie Mendez gave me

two tickets for
the follies Sunday.

Hey, what do I bid for two
tickets to follies? Hey!

--Cancel that like you did
our luncheon date today?

Oh, now, look, kitten.
Can I help it if I'm busy?

I'm hanged
if I can find time

to do the things
we've planned.

But business
is sure picking up.

- Well, that's good.
- You bet, for both of US.

The higher
Charlie Blake goes...

- The higher kitty Reed.
- You said it.

Well, bye, darling.

Oh, uh, I meant
to ask you before.

Have you put
Jimmy Wilson to work?

Why, uh, I haven't laid eyes
on him-- have you seen him?

[All] * liar! Liar!

--You asked me to give you
a buildup, remember?

Must've been a swell buildup

you gave him to
keep him away like this.

Man, everybody lies
in this movie.

--By now, he'd be pounding
on your door for a job.

Well, I haven't seen him.

I guess he's pounding
on the wrong door.

- You said it.
- Hey, you talk about

me giving you a stand-up--

where have you been disappearing
to after the show every night?

You sure get out of that
dressing room in a hurry.

And I've been missing you.

Well, Charlie,
you know the old saying.

Early to bed
and early to rise.

- Huh?
- That's me. Bye, now.
- Goodbye.

I also know about
a bird in the hand.

Now, get out of here.
"Early to bed and early..."

You're new with Mr. Blake.

How long have you
been with him?

A few weeks-- I'm not working
full-time for him yet.

Mmm, I see.

I'll be with you
in a minute.

Uh, note to self.
Find out correct time.

Uh, it's my birthday
tomorrow, mister.

What is this guy,
butcher to the mob?

Here you go.
Happy birthday, Jimmy.

This is very important.

You see that Mr. Blake
gets this note tonight.

And be sure that you
give it to no one but him.

All right, I'll do that.

And this is skag.
Be careful with it.

I'll let you out
the back door.

Don't tell the Nazis
where I am.

Hi, I have
an important thing

and some stuff called skag?

What's the idea
coming back here?

I told you what to do
with that package.

I know you did, Mr. Blake,
but Mr. Carlton said

to give you this note.
He said it was important.

Is this a caper?

Never should've gone
to old country buffet with him.

Let's see,
what does it say here?

"Isn't this guy carrying
the letter a dink?"

It's all right, Jimmy,
you did the right thing.

Better wait out
in the other office.

I may have something else
for you to do.

Okay, Mr. Blake.

And, uh, do some filing
while you're out there.

Huh, yeah,
I got a real knack

for shadowy errands.
That's me.

All right, boys, come on in.

We're gonna
pants the courier.

William Frawley!
Montgomery clift!

Get this. "Chuck,

"I tried to get the painting

"out of Gordon's
dead storage.

"Couldn't make it as
the place is being watched.

"Don't send
any more packages.

"I'm leaving town.
Take my tip and do the same.

- Carl."
- well, how do you
like that?

- He called you Chuck.
- I thought that stuff
was safe there.

$30,000 worth of diamonds.

What're you gonna
do now, Charlie?

We're gonna talk
like dis, see?

-- To the warehouse
and get it out.

Tonight, and take
the kid with you.

Take the kid? What for?

May take two of you
to do the job.

I'll have him run a car,
and he can drive for you.

I'm due on
the Superman set now.

- Oh, Jimmy.
- Oh hi!

I want you to go down
to Olson's before it closes

and rent a car.

Come back here
at 12:00 tonight

and pick up the boys,
and take them down

to Gordon's warehouse
to pick up a package.

Then drive them back here.

Okay, Mr. Blake.

He's got framed
rubber vomit on the wall.

You know what,
I should call Mr. Blake

and tell him
how much I like him.

Hello, kitty?
This is Jimmy,

remember me?
I'm your boyfriend.

You'd better be.

Can I see you tonight?
We'll go dancing.

Oh, this is late-night hot.

Oh, swell.

I've got a little business
to take care of,

and I'll be about
half an hour late.

I've got something
awfully important to ask you.

Now, don't tell me
you're going to propose to me.

- Maybe.
- All right, hon,
I'll be looking for you.

Jimmy's cheating on me!

That guy's eaves-dropping
on his eaves-dropping.

Wait here, I'll be back
in an hour.

With squeaky shoes on.

[Joel]
* love came between US

quack, quack.
Quack-quack quack.

Oh, hello. I didn't expect
to see you, Charlie.

I know you didn't.
You expected the kid.

Nobody expects
to see Charlie!

* love came between US

oh, uh, buttermints, huh?

Don't mind if I do. Mmm.

First of all, you and I are
gonna straighten out something.

What's going on
between you two?

Uh, cheap love. Why?

I don't know what you're
talking about, Charlie.

Why is she dressed like
major Barbara?

No?

- Well, I'll make it clear.
- [Joel mumbles]

I heard that phone conversation
you had a little while ago.

He was talking
from my office.

It was funny.
Made me laugh-- hah!

So you really
fell in love with the kid.

Now, look.

Nobody's gonna
take you away from me.

- Nobody.
- Not even me, see?

I'll kill me
before that happens.

Why... why, Charlie.

You don't really think
I fell for that kid, do you?

Why, you asked me
to string him along.

Can I help it
if he fell for me?

Well, he did win
that essay contest.

He's as good as forgotten.

[All] * liar! Liar!

When he gets here,
I want you to get rid of him.

- Your way.
- Or the highway.

Or would you rather
have me do it?

Okay, Charlie.

I'll be happy in my work.

It ought to be a cinch.

- [Door buzzes]
- Oh, it's the three
hard-boiled eggs she ordered.

I'll be in there listening.

Like I usually am.

Watch out! Aah!

- [All mimic crash]
- [Doorbell buzzes]

[Servo muffled]
Hey, I thought you were gonna
have this stuff dry-cleaned.

Well, aren't I miss popular?

Well, I've joined
the black hand. Hi!

--Let's get going.
We've only got a few hours.

I have some work to do
later on.

I'm not going.

Well, what the--
wait a minute!

Hey, are you kidding?
Why, over the phone,

you just got through
saying we'd go someplace.

[Joel as Schwarzenegger]
I lied.

I know,
but after I talked to you,

- I changed my mind.
- Guy in the closet.

An old friend of mine called,

- and I'm going out with him.
- Guy in the closet.

Hey, you say that so
convincingly,

I almost believe it.

[Crow muffled]
Hey, where'd you get
these golf clubs?

- Shh!
- You can believe it.

Guy in the closet.

- Do you mean it?
- Closet.

Of course I mean it.

Hey, I smell Italian.

- Look, wh--
- oh, you poor chump.

[Crow as Bert lahr]
Courage!

Did you really
take me seriously?

Did you think for one minute
that I loved you?

That I wanted to marry you?

She's smokin'.

Why could you imagine
kitty Reed

cooped up in a little
two-by-four cottage

with a string of kids
climbing all over her?

Oh, no, not kitty.

I am the angel of death.

The day of reckoning
is upon US.

--Jimmy, I thought
that for a while

you might go someplace.

But you'll always
be a shoe salesman

- at 25 a week.
- 18 after taxes!

And, uh, my ambition's
a little higher than that.

Well, wait a minute,
they're gonna put me

in charge of the sock table!

--And peddle your papers.
You annoy me.

Uh, okay.

Good night, Mr. Blake.

[Joel muffled]
Good night, Jimmy-- d'oh!

Quack quack quack quack.

Ought to get that
tennis racket re-strung.

Honey, I'm home.
Hah. Love that.

Are you satisfied, Charlie?

Well, you saved me
a lot of trouble, kitten.

Meow.

I'll see you in the morning.

Yeah, thanks for coming by.

If I had parents,

I'd accuse them right now.

I accuse her hair.

Meanwhile,
outside of Skokie,

eliot ness and his men
continue their vigil.

Well, at least I got
a caper to fall back on.

[Gunshots]

Huh? What now?

How can I get a blowout
when I'm just sitting here?

Get going, kid, quick.

- What happened?
- Get going.

They stole the bogart!

Ze bogart!

Wait, shouldn't we find out
what those shots were?

If anyone was hurt?

I knew that nervous trigger
finger of yours

would get US into trouble
sooner or later.

- All-American.
- It was either him or US.

- What about the kid?
- He ought to be here
any minute.

And he's ready to scream.

And you'd better do
some fancy talking, Blake.

We're gonna have
trouble with him.

Just let me handle him.

Why didn't you tell me I was
driving a car to a hold-up?

- Oh boy.
- I didn't see any reason
to tell you, Jimmy.

I never told you about any

of the other jobs
you did for me.

What other jobs?
What do you mean?

Ring jobs.

You don't think I've been paying
you the kind of money I have

just to pick up packages.

If it'd been on the level,
I could've gotten a messenger

for a lot less
than you've been getting.

I didn't know there was
anything crooked about the job.

I don't want any part of it.
I'm quitting right now.

- No, you're not!
- Give me that tie back.

Nobody ever quits
on Charlie Blake.

Oh, he's really in trouble.

If he doesn't want 'em to.

Whatever I've done, I'm not
gonna stand for murder.

I'll tell the police.
I'll tell them about you.

I'll tell them what
you did to me, I'll tell--

aah! It's my
birthday tomorrow.

Tell them anything.

You're in this whether
you like it or not.

Just as much as if
you handled the gun.

You tell the police,
and you'll get 20 years.

Free? With no obligation?

What if I tell
a notary public?

Huh, that's better.

No sense in getting panicky.

You know what you do?

You go on home and get
a good night's rest.

Forget about--
tomorrow morning,

go back to the store
as if nothing had happened.

And don't worry about
getting into a jam.

I have enough influence
to pull you out.

Okay, I guess
it's all right. Gosh.

You, uh, want some yogurt?

Oh, it's all
because of these shoes.

Family circus is really
upsetting to him today.

I've gotta control my urges.

Jack Benny program.

It's the feather McGee
and Molly show!

[Sobs] Stop
mocking me, radio!

[Sobs]

No, don't open
that door, McGee!

I hate that hal roach music.

You figure that vase
is filled with scotch?

- What, Jimmy?
- Hello?

Hello, this is Jimmy Wilson.
Is kitty there?

- I gotta talk to her.
- Just a minute,

and I'll see if she's here.

It's Jimmy Wilson.
He wants to talk to you.

The young Vivian Vance
looks hopeful.

She leans back.

Tell him I'm not here.

- She says she's not here.
- I'm sorry, Jimmy,

- but she's not here.
- Thanks.

I wonder who that was
in the back-- wait a minute!

Hey.

Mmm.

The glow of
the essay contest

is starting to wear off.

Mmm.

Ladies and gentlemen,
today we are watching

a film called
I accuse my parents.

And just to ground
everybody,

it's the one where the kid
accuses his parents.

But can parents
and parents alone

explain mental illness
on the scale of young Jimmy's?

- Hmm.
- Hmm, gee, that'd be nice.

But, hey, let's try to map out
the trail of his psychosis.

Mm-hmm. We'll give Jimmy
the benefit of the doubt

and start with
the film's hypotenuse

that, at the center
of Jimmy's madness,

we will, in fact,
find his drunk folks.

Right, drunk folks.

Concerning whom, Jimmy lies.

And that's fine,
but these are not

simple, utilitarian lies
that satisfy you and me

as we interact
on a daily basis.

No, no-no-no-no no.

These are elaborate lies.

Joel, if you will.
Elaborate.

Through which
Jimmy constructs

a richly cuckoo
fantasy world of love.

Then, Jimmy meets
a nice young woman.

- Ahh.
- Hey. Jim.

Here's someone you
might want to confide in.

Truth, Jim.

[Bots] Truth. Truth.
Truth! Truth! Truth!

- Mm-mm.
- No.
- Not a chance.

It's not gonna happen.
Instead...

Jimmy feels the need to...

Denigrate others

while simultaneously
attracting others.

Which leads somehow
to a life of crime.

And yet he's ignorant
that it is crime. Huh.

Related back to the elaborate
lies, perhaps, Jim?

And where in god's name

is the connection
to our starting point?

- [All] Drunk folks.
- Uh-huh.

- Right.
- And we shouldn't forget

that Jimmy may be
kind of stupid, Joel.

- Right.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, cambot, if you will.
Here we go.

Now we've entered
Jimmy's subconscious.

- Yuck.
- As it spins and twirls

to illustrate
today's lesson.

That true
Jimmy-scale dementia

is indeed
a complex phenomenon.

Cause and effect? Good luck.

Here's, uh, drunk folks.

But that's just
a piece of the puzzle.

Hey! There's stupid.
Really big.

And yet there's
so much more.

Oh-- no backbone.

Oh, and an extra unexplained
level of denial.

His strange need
for mob ties.

Yeah, Jimmy's
complicated haircut.

There goes his failure
in webelos.

Oh, and original sin.
Don't forget that, folks.

So, if you're off
your dot yourself--

don't look
for simple answers.

Really get inside yourself

and just run around
and have a good time.

Believe you US, it can be
a whale of a lot of fun.

And, you know what?
We got commercial sign.

- * Jim's crazy
- and stupid.

* he's crazy for

* accusing his parents

- Good morning.
- [Joel] Morning.
- Morning.

- Mr. Holden.
- Yes?

- Morning.
- Is there anything
I can do for you?

Yes, have you
a boy working here

- by the name of Jimmy Wilson?
- Good morning.

- Yes.
- We'd like to see him.

I'm sorry,
he hasn't come in yet.

Most unusual.
Jimmy's always on time.

Milk duds?

We got orders
to check up on him.

Check up on Jimmy?

- Yeah.
- What's he been doing?

That's what we're
going to find out.

He's been seen with
some pretty shady characters.

Yeah, let's have
his address.

- Why, of course.
- Let's see-- Tuesday
good for you?

- No.
- How about Sunday?

465 lindhurst drive.

- Thanks, Mr. Holden.
- Sunday it is, then.

I'm afraid your boy
won't show up today.

Well, who's going to sell
these shoes, then?

Hey, uh, you fellas wanna

reach in to
the treasure barrel?

Oh.

Hmm?

[Servo gasps] There he is!

Officer, officer!

Well, here's
our little fugitive.

I'm sorry I'm late, Mr. Holden,
but I had some business--

there's two men here
asking about you.

- From police headquarters.
- Police headquarters?

Well, what did they
want to know about me?

They didn't say.

Have they got anything
against you, Jimmy?

Well, no, of course not.
What could they have against me?

Well, I don't know
what you do outside the shop.

They say you've been seen with
some pretty shady characters.

- Hmm.
- Maybe you'd better go home,

get your folks to take you down
to police headquarters.

- [Servo laughs]
- Get this thing
straightened out.

I don't like police
coming here, Jimmy.

- It isn't good for business.
- What business?

Well, I don't blame you,
Mr. Holden.

I'll go right home
and do that.

All right.

I'm sure there must
be some mistake.

[Crow groans]

Two plainclothesmen
from police headquarters

have been to the shoe store
asking about me.

Hmm, that's pretty quick work.
They must've traced the car.

Now, look,
you got me into this.

You gotta get me out.
You said you would.

Take it easy.
I said I would and I will.

[Servo mimics auctioneer]

--And lay low for
the rest of the day.

At 11:00 tonight,
meet the boys

- at sixth and Kent street.

-And then what?
- I'll have some money for you,

- and they'll
slip you out of town.
- Then what?

After a few weeks,
when it blows over,

- you can come back.
- Then what?

Okay, I'll be there.

As long as I talk really fast
and do what he says,

I'm gonna be okay.

Life on the lamb.

An affordable vacation.

He's taken to
selling his essays

cheap on the street.

Here, now, what are you doing
in a cocteau film, boy?

Go home to your mother.
That's a good lad.

Well, that was a close one.

Oof.

We're supposed
to deprogram you.

- Have you got the stuff?
- It's all in here.

Let's get back in here,
so nobody can see US.

Oh, that seems reasonable.

Walk back with a couple
of nice fellas.

And then all of a sudden,
you-- whoa!

This is a message
from the other kids

in the essay contest, Jimmy.

So I told her that
I like playtex-- wha?

Huh?

Jimmy's really fitting in with
the other gangsters his age.

Hey, wait a minute,
somebody's coming.

- Let's get out of here.
- Mobsters

are easily scared.

Wait, I forgot to give you
the stuff here.

What's a matter, kid?
What happened to you?

- I don't know.
- You'd better
come along with US.

We'll report it
to the police.

No, no, fellas, just--

just help me find a cab,
will you?

- I wanna go home.
- Okay, kid, just as you say.

Alfred on the spot.

Mom? Dad?

I won the "get the crap
kicked out of you" contest!

Mom? Dad?

I'm up here, honey,
with the dt's!

Could you get the yellow lizard
out of the bathroom?

Uh, where's the dexedrine?

Where's that dexedrine?

If knick-knacks
ruled the world.

- [Phone rings]
- Meanwhile,

at black panther
headquarters.

I'll see. What have you got?

[Servo] Yyyyes?

Hello. Yes, sir?

Mr. Wilson in?
Tell him his son wants him.

Just a minute, I'll see.

Ollie, telephone.

I've never had such luck.

- Murray, use a coaster.
- --You beat me every hand.

Your boy's on the phone,
Mr. Wilson.

- He wants to talk to you.
- Tell him I'm not here.

But you are-- oh.

- Come on, deal.
- Yes, sir.

He says he's not here.

I'm sorry, sir,
but your father isn't here.

Well, if he comes in,
tell him I called, will you?

Uh, I wonder who that was
in the background.

Oh, well. Mom!

[Crow sobs] I'm just
gonna run away!

I got peanut butter.
And underwear.

And that's all I need!

[Joel sobs] Well, I'm gonna
run away to Kansas

and become a ventriloquist.

[Crow sobs]

Oh, wait a minute.

Where's my trowel-sized
pert shampoo?

Jimmy is suddenly seized

with an essay idea.

Say, that's what happened
to all his other moms.

"Problem with mob. On lamb.

Accusingly yours,
Jimmy."

"P.s. Hope you had fun

at Jack Taylor's."

Would you comb your hair?
That's annoying.

I'll just put this over here
with mom's suicide note.

Oh, they'll think
it's a cocktail napkin.

I saw some kick-ass
parties here.

** [all sing "boots are
made for walking" intro]

More powerful
than a locomotive!

Auntie em! Auntie em!

- What, is he thinking
about trains now?
- Uh, yeah.

These trains never
stop for you.

Ah, but he's able to...

Pick up a ride
with the joad family.

This is the life.

[Joel laughs]

Maybe I'll travel somewhere.

Hey, cafe.

I've heard of this place.

I don't know if I'll find
any Thai food

in this old town.

Hey, maybe they'll see me
looking dejected

and invite me in.

On top of it all,
my area's gone.

Boy, that was good stuff.

I gotta learn to order
only one chicken.

Oh, and that
whipped cream? Mmm.

One million, two million.

Three million, four million.

14 billion, 15 billion.

I've decided-- I'm gonna
do something really stupid.

Um, uh, can I Rob you?

- Cup of coffee.
- You bet.

And put the French silk pie
in an unmarked bag.

Expecting somebody?

- No.
- I didn't know it was drugs!

Uh, do you have any bullets?

How about a hamburger?

It's what's for dinner.

No thanks, I'm not hungry.

If you're broke,
it's on the house.

Hey, it's officer tootie.

Plenty of onions, eh?

French fries,
and all the trimmings.

I'll trust you.
You can pay me anytime you want.

- Ooh ooh.
- Okay.

Did someone tell you
it was my birthday?

You like my hat? I made it.

Give and take,
that's my system.

- Yep.
- Share what you've got,

and you'll never want.

I've had a lot of guys
come in here broke.

Never sent 'em away hungry.

Got 'em piled out back.

And I don't lose
by it either.

They always
come back and pay.

Most people are okay.

Except for you, of course.

Here, stab this
into your thigh.

You're not gonna
hug me, are you?

Better give me
that gun, son.

You can't eat with one hand.

Actually, you can, but I'll
give you the gun anyway.

Wait a minute,
this is an episode of insight.

Yep.

I saw it on your face
when you first came in here.

I can read your
chakras, too.

--Been around.

- Seen all sorts in my time.
- But they don't see me.

You learn things about people
in this business.

For instance,
they're bipeds.

Mmm, loaded too.

That's dangerous.

Look, can I have
my hamburger?

You know, some guys get sore

when you pull a gun on 'em.

And they don't
stop to think.

Why, you might've
even killed me.

Not meaning it, either.

- Such things happen.
- I know.

Better put this away before
somebody comes in and sees it.

Would you get me
my hamburger?

Okay, I'll keep it for you.

You can have it
anytime you want.

[All] At Alice's restaurant.

Funny thing, you dropping
in here this way.

- Why?
- I've dreamt of your
soft features.

--I'd like to have a boy
like you to help out here.

- Want a job?
- Sure, I want a job.

You ever worked
as a boy before?

--Your food and lodgings.

I got a shack here
in back of the restaurant.

- Tain't much--
- in fact, it sucks.

--Comfortable enough.

Radio, some flowers
in the garden, and the dog.

- And me.
- What do you say?

Give me my gun back.

--An awful chance,
aren't you?

I mean, offering me
a job this way.

Without knowing
anything about me?

You see, before i--

I gotta tell you, though,

there's one condition
attached to it.

You have to go to church
with me every Sunday morning.

Church?

- That's right.
- Forget it!

--Week, I work for myself.

On the seventh,
I work for the church.

I'm an Usher.

It wouldn't look right,
you living in my house

and not going to church.

Of course, that's only
an hour on Sunday mornings.

In the afternoons,
on fine days,

- we could go fishing.
- [All] Ahh.

Gee, that sounds swell.

Oh, and no mob ties.

You're learning fast.

I've entered
the twilight zone.

How do you like
my swingin' church, son?

* I've got a goofy hat
on my head *

* --i need you

Michelle pfeiffer
in the fabulous baker boys.

* where can you be?

He's in Kansas,
flipping burgers.

* I miss you so

it's an air filter piano.

* how I cried

- * and tried
- [servo beat-boxes]

* looking down
the lonely street *

oh, she's a regular
koko Taylor. Cha-cha.

Or irregular.

And now she's got a table
centerpiece on her head.

* --return here

* how I learned here--

now, let's see,
I've ordered the death

of ten, no,
twelve people today.

Pretty good day.

* why did you leave me--

* you told him to

* didn't you know

* I'd be forlorn--

* and green

* now I hope

* and pray

* that maybe someday

* I can say that I'm sorry

* please hear my plea--

* not guilty!

* where can you be?

The audience
is frankly stunned.

* where can you be?

[Servo harmonizes]
* where can you be?

"Where can you be."

Last call,
ladies and gentlemen.

Last call.

You were swell
in that, kitten.

- [Servo meows]
- Thanks.

Still thinking
about Jimmy, huh?

What makes you think that?

Oh, maybe the way
you sang that song.

Oh, now, look, kitten,
I know you've been--

- meow.
- --Searching for that kid
for two months.

Why don't you give it up?

He's probably
a thousand miles from here.

I'll tell you what we'll do.

When you get through tonight,
we'll go out

and paint the town.
You need some recreation.

I'll kill somebody for you.
Who do you want killed?

Okay, Charlie.

Ho, what a caboose. Hoo-hah.

Son, it's been two months,

and you haven't touched
your hamburger.

Sir, I just don't
understand the holy spirit.

Is it a bird?

What's the matter?
Not hungry?

How come i'm
the only customer?

Something's bothering you.

- What is it? Homesick?
- Uhh.

- No.
- I found a toenail
in my hamburger.

I thought you liked it here
pretty well.

Seem to be settling down.

I do like it, al.
It's not that.

In fact, it's the only time
I've ever really been happy.

But I want a salad.
Is that asking too much?

Spill it, son,
you can tell me.

Well, it's-- it's just
that I've been

thinking things over,
that's all.

- And I want new curtains.
- You wanna go back

and straighten yourself out?

Square accounts?
Take the load off your mind?

Yeah, I guess that's it.

Bring your trousers
in for dry-cleaning?

Find the courage to do it.

Change that old underwear?

Would you help me, al?

And don't mention god.

I've been waiting
to hear you say that, son.

So I prepared a song.

We'll go back
and face it together.

After they hear your story,

I'm positive they'll
give you a break.

Don't worry.

Ah, gee, that's swell.

Well, I feel better already.

Now tuck in to that beef.

You see, miss Reed, I couldn't
let Jimmy give himself up

unless he'd seen you first.

- Okay. Let's go.
- And I wanted to see
you too, Jimmy.

To explain
and tell you the truth--

- I never wore the shoes.
- Blake was in

the other room that night,
listening.

I had to say what I did,
or he'd've killed you.

- Huh.
- They tried to the night
they beat you up.

And, then, the things
you said weren't true.

Of course they weren't true.

Except for about
your lousy shoe career.

Oh, Jimmy, Blake's the cause

of all your trouble
and mine, too.

If he finds out you're here,
he'll kill US both.

No, he won't, because he's going
to the police station with me.

You and al can call the cops
and follow US.

Jimmy, wait! Jimmy!

Quack, quack, quack quack.

Again, proving
just how stupid he is.

So, how about a little sugar
for happy chef over here?

Organized crime,
please hold.

Organized crime,
please hold-- sir?

Let me guess.
It's your birthday.

- Hello, Jimmy.
- How's your hat? [Chuckles]

What brings you to see me?

Not in trouble again, are you?

No, but you are.

I'm giving myself up
to the police,

and you're coming with me.

You're taking a lot
for granted, aren't you?

Maybe I am.

But you're gonna tell everything
that's happened between US.

- And if I don't?
- You'll kill me?

The police are on their way
here to see that you do.

Now, let's see,
did I call them?... right.

Okay, Jimmy.

About time I went on the
straight and narr-- hi-keeba!

Well, that's
a weird position.

They're really
going to town in there.

Hey, does anyone
have an appointment?

[Gunshot]

His heart just exploded.

Well, so much for the whole

"he's coming with me"
scenario.

Uh, I accuse my parents.

I tried to take the gun
away from him.

- But it went off.
- Huh?

Oh, I know I've lied.
I've cheated.

- I've done a lot of things
that I shouldn't have done.
- And more.

But maybe I wouldn't have
started lying to my schoolmates

if I hadn't been ashamed
of my home life.

If I hadn't been ashamed
that my parents were--

- were denying--
- this is wild.

--The love and protection
that a boy needs.

The guidance
that sets him straight.

Maybe they should've
sworn him in.

And that's why...

I accuse my parents.

[All] Aah. Oh.

Is your hat flask empty yet?

That court reporter
is dreamy.

Seeing as it's your birthday,
we'll let you go.

- James Wilson--
- you dummy.

Your story is supported by much
of the evidence in this case.

And I think indicates clearly
that you are not guilty

of the killing
of Charles Blake.

Thanks! Well, bye.

--Count I find you
not guilty.

[Crowd murmurs]

Huh-- oh. Oh, "not" guilty!

- Oh.
- On the remaining counts

of having aided and abetted

in the transportation
and concealment

of stolen property,

- uh-oh.
- I find you guilty

and sentence you
to five years in state prison.

Hey, my dad went there.

That sentence
is hereby suspended.

And you are placed
on probation for two years.

- Thank god I'm white!
- You are to remain in

the custody of your parents
until you are 21.

During which time I hope

that you will
justify the confidence

- I am placing in you.
- Hah!

I will, your honor.

Oh, let's go to Jack Taylor's
and celebrate.

- Jimmy!
- Wait, wait,

he has to talk
to Doug llewelyn first.

He accused US.

Why don't you just
do it on the bench?

As for you,
Mr. and Mrs. Wilson.

You are not on trial here.

But you have seen
the tragedy brought about

by the neglect
your boy suffered.

You will roast in hell.

--The only parents
guilty of such neglect.

- I speak
to parents everywhere--
- message coming in!

- There it is.
- In the pursuit
of your own

--own pleasures
and occupations,

you neglect your children.

Realize now
before it is too late.

- Buy bonds.
- This might have been your boy.

Not that your boy would be

quite so thick-headed
as Jimmy.

I accuse my parents

brought to you
by Boone's farm.

The makers of this film
also accuse Hitler

and tojo and Mussolini!

We accuse them all.
Soon we'll accuse Stalin.

Seriously, Joel,
who would you accuse?

Oh, I don't really...

Okay, as we move
into the home stretch,

I thought it'd be nice
to read a letter.

So...

Uh, hi, Tom. Hi, crow.

Just getting ready
to read a letter.

Oh, no thank you, that's okay.

All we'd like is
just a cup of coffee.

[Cough] Hamburgers. [Cough]

Well, I'll just get going
on this letter, then.

Hamburgers. [Cough]

No, no thanks.
We're... not hungry?

Oh, I get it.
It's like in the movie.

How would you boys
like a hamburger?

Like that?

Finally, what
took you so long?

What a maroon.

Now.

Now what?

- [Bots sigh]
- No, no, no.

You stupid, stupid man.

Now, you present US

with a big, beefy char-broiled
hamburger "sammich"

and a French-fried potatoes
garnish like in the movie.

Uh, all I got
is this postcard.

D'oh. Crow, you talk to him.

You were supposed to get US

a char-broiled
hamburger sandwich

like in the movie.

[Sobs] What is happening
to this family?

Come on, honey.
Honey, honey.

There must be a pie cooling
in the ship someplace.

- A pie?
- It's just a movie, guys.

Jeez.

Anyway.

Thought we could
read this letter now.

Um, this says,

"for rent,
the barco rammer."

And it's from Peter Spears.

And on the back here--

let's put that on still store
in the back.

It says, "the barco rammer.

"Indisputably the finest.

"It will ram, it will pound,
it will press.

It will do what
you want it to do."

And then
he humorously writes,

"the perfect date
for crow and Tom."

Which I thought
was pretty... funny?

[Tank ratchets, clanks]

I accuse you, Joel.

Now, carefully.

Hand over
the hamburger sandwich.

Ahh.

Don't let him forget
the French-fried

- potatoes garnish.
- Right.

Joel, you magnificent bastard!
I read your menu!

Come on, we gotta beat
mighty messina, maggot!

Aah.

Uh, what do you think, sirs?

[Glass breaks]

[Stripper coughs]

Uh, sorry, Joel.
Didn't catch that.

We, uh, came this close
to losing...

- Rodney.
- Right, right.

Almost lost Rodney.

Is this enough, doctor f?

No way, frank. There's plenty
more frosting to shovel.

Oh, just go push the button,
you freaked-out maniac.

Uh, look, Rodney.

I'm sorry this whole thing
got out of hand.

I'd like to make it
worth your while.

Oh, no, that's--
that's all right.

That-- you've done enough.

[Dad laughs]

Well, what's so funny?

This has been
a presentation

from comedy central.