Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 6, Episode 6 - Eegah - full transcript
A teenage girl, her dorky boyfriend, and her scientist father discover a caveman in the desert in Eegah (1962). Joel and the Bots discuss 60s sitcoms and the subtler forms of hell.
THEME SONG: In the not too
distant future, next Sunday,
A.D., there was
a guy named Joel,
not too different
from you or me.
He worked at Gizmonic
Institute, just another face
in a red jumpsuit.
He did a good job
cleaning up the place,
but his bosses didn't like him,
so they shot him into space.
We'll send him cheesy movies,
the worst we can find.
La-la-la.
He'll have to sit
and watch them all,
and we'll monitor his mind.
La-la-la.
Now keep in mind Joel can't
control when the movies begin
or end, because he used those
special parts to make his robot
friends.
Robot roll call.
Cambot!
Pan left.
Gypsy!
Hi, girl.
Tom Servo.
What a cool guy?
Crow!
He's a wisecracker.
If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes
and other science facts.
La-la-la.
Then repeat to yourself,
"It's just a show.
I should really just relax for
Mystery Science Theater 3000."
-Well, Crow, you're
not quite zero Kelvin,
but still, it's going to be
pretty cold in there, huh?
-Aw, this is nothing!
Give me the deep freeze, Tom.
-All right!
Woo!
-Hey, hi, Tom.
Hi, Crow.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to the
Satellite of Love.
I'm Joel Ro-- hey,
wait a minute.
What's with the Crow in the box?
-Oh, we're bringing
his temperature
down to absolute zero.
Seems like it might
be kind of fun.
-Wait a minute,
you can't do that!
If you go to absolute
zero, there'll
be no molecular motion.
It'll start a chain
reaction and kill us all.
-Yeah, that's kind of how it
played out in our scenario,
too.
Well, wait a minute.
That's kind of stupid, isn't it?
-Yeah, it's stupid.
We've gotta get
him out of there.
-Oh, good one, Joel.
-Oops.
Uh, we'll be right back.
-I'm not putting him
back together, either.
-I'm shattered!
-OK, there you go.
Good as new.
-Sure, if you ignore the
massive structural damage
and my complete lack
of any re-resale value.
-Yeah, I was ignoring that.
-Oh.
-(SLURRING) Oh, hi.
Say, would you guys
hurry up with that glue?
It's really starting
to affect me.
-Yeah, OK.
[INAUDIBLE] and
Sloppy are calling.
Ah!
-Oh.
Joel.
I was just--
-Doctor?
Have you seen my long underwear?
I'm late for my
ice dancing lesson.
-No, I haven't seen your
long underwear, Frank.
And to be perfectly
honest, I wouldn't
wear your long
underwear even-- oh.
Joel.
Invention exchange.
Um, I've got a nutty idea.
But, uh, be a dear and go first?
Uh, I need a couple of minutes.
-Sure, if you're not
ready to go, we'll go.
No problem.
Geez.
Anyway, my good
friend Crow locked up
the deal to do the music for
the "Beverly Hillbillies" movie.
-Yeah!
Well, we're hammering
out a deal memo.
-And it led to an
amazing discovery.
-Right.
Now, remember "The
Beverly Hillbillies"
was part of the Paul
Henning Hooterville trilogy?
-Right.
That was "The Beverly
Hillbillies," "Green Acres,"
and "Petticoat Junction."
-Right right right.
Now, they all had this
really cool incidental music.
-Yeah.
It was music that
went [HUMMING].
-No no no.
If I may, Joel, it was
more like-- [HUMMING].
-The point is, I didn't
know how to make that
music until we came up with--
-The porkarina!
Now, don't worry,
all you pig lovers.
We didn't use a real pig.
-We didn't?
-No, we just reinvented
the instrument
that made the original
incidental music.
The original was lost in
the tragic Universal fire.
Here comes Mr. Haney, pulling
another hilarious flim-flam!
[OINKING MUSIC]
-Well, Mr. Douglas, that
there is a genuine dirtbirger.
-That's not a dirtbirger.
[OINKING MUSIC]
-And there's the
efficient Miss Hathaway!
[OINKING MUSIC]
-Oh, Jethro!
[OINKING MUSIC]
-And there's Uncle Joe.
He's moving kinda slow.
-At the Junction.
[OINKING MUSIC]
-Well, pretty hot.
Kinda tired.
Was gonna go fishing,
but it's too damn hot.
[OINKING MUSIC]
-Better sit down
for a little while.
Yep, yep.
When's that government
check coming in?
Pretty hot.
Kinda bloated.
[OINKING MUSIC]
-Gonna die soon.
[OINKING MUSIC]
-You're up, sirs.
-Joel.
The human body.
Unattractive?
Sure.
Even worse, it's inefficient.
Especially Frank's human body.
-I'm late for my
ice dancing lesson.
-That's why I've
drained Frank's blood.
-You what?
You can't do that!
-Don't worry.
I replaced it.
With propylene glycol.
Radiator fluid.
I even surgically
implanted a radiator,
so Frank won't
overheat this summer
and won't freeze
up in the winter.
And you act like I'm the jerk!
-I'm so cold.
-Granted, uh, Frank's
new system does
need to be flushed nightly.
But once you get the hang of
it, it's not quite as tricky
as it seems, and can even be
done on an outpatient basis.
-[EXHALE]
-Well, wait a minute.
Why don't you just leave
Frank with his own blood?
That way he could wear a
jacket and scarf and stuff.
-And since Frank's blood was
a previously unknown type,
the money that that
brings in should-- why?
Because it's
science, that's why!
Frank, here.
Why don't you run on
to your lesson now?
Come on.
Go ahead.
Scoot.
Scoot.
Joel, speaking of
unattractive human bodies,
your movie this
week, "Eegah," has
got Richard Kiel
and not much else.
Look, Frank signed
all the forms.
It's an improvement.
He even likes it.
Why, he's probably
out there right now
skating his little heart out.
"Eegah."
Oh, God.
-Ready?
Holiday for pigs.
[OINKING MUSIC]
[MOVIE SIGN BUZZER]
-Augh, we got movie sign!
-I'm Charles Kuralt,
and we're going
to leave you with
this shot of a flower.
-"Cactus Flower,"
with Goldie Hawn.
-Huh?
-Huh?
-Hey, it's Scattergories!
-Ugh, look.
The sign is leaking.
-Ick.
-[INAUDIBLE].
-Oh, that was Art Clokey's
first study of Gumby there.
-Oh, Eegah.
-Yes, you too can
learn how to play
the guitar in two easy lessons.
-Oh, I'm a Eegah-fied man.
-Oh, this must be that
grunge look from Seattle.
It-- it's from
Seattle, I've heard.
-Mm-hmm.
-Is that a real poncho
or a Sears poncho?
-Richard Kiel is Eegah
Templar, the saint.
-Um, focus.
Uh, focus this, please.
H-hello?
With the smokers over-- over--
-[COUGHING]
-[GROANING]
-Harriet, the cattle
are smoking again.
-I'm dead.
Don't smoke.
-Oh, Eegah.
Oh--
-Wait a minute.
They've got demons
flipping us off here.
Hey, back at you, Clyde.
-Otis Nixon!
-He looks like a
thin William Hickey.
-Shaking the bush, boss.
-[SIGH] Well, actually, it
seems to be exhibiting a sort
of ineluctable defenestration
character [GIBBERISH].
-Poppies will make us sleep.
-[HUMMING] Baby.
-Welcome to the crypt!
We've dug something up for you!
Why not stick around
and watch "Dream On"?
It's the breast show on
TV! [CACKLING] Kill me.
-Stop it.
-Boy, this looks like it's
really going to be scary,
what with the smoke and
flowers and everything.
-And framing effects.
-Circle Pines after dark.
-It's Frederick's of Maplewood.
-The Loretta Young Show!
[HUMMING]
-I'm young and free
and feeling fresh!
-Taxi!
Oh, I drove.
-Now, I forget.
Can I drive a stick?
Oh.
-It's the flying Saab!
-I think it's a bug eyed sprite.
-Oh, and so is she.
[HONKING]
-Honk if you love Eegah!
-Hi, Roxy!
-Sorry about my face.
-Thought I was supposed to
meet you up at the club.
-Well, you still are.
I just bought myself a
new swimming suit tonight.
-Can I wear it?
-Oh?
-Yes.
See?
-Ew!
-That?
-Sex appeal!
-I get off work in 10 minutes.
-Follow me out, then.
-Follow you?
-Sex appeal.
-Listen, I can change clothes
and beat you out there.
-[LAUGHING]
-Again, sorry about the face!
-That's my girl.
Her father's Robert I. Miller.
-Yeah, just pump
my gas, butthead.
-I saw this venture boat.
You oughta see her swim.
-Hey!
-You're putting
that in the wayback!
My kids are back there!
-I don't know why, but I
wish he'd pistol whip him.
-Gee, I sure am sorry, sir.
-But I'm sort of an idiot.
-Guess I was thinking about
having dinner with my girl.
She lives up at the club.
-Yeah, with Robert I. Miller.
-(SINGING) 77 Sunset Strip.
-(SINGING) How will you
make it on your own?
-[HONKING] I've got a
new swimsuit, everybody!
-Oh no!
She's chasing down Emmett Kelly!
-Suddenly, she began to
doubt the whole bathing suit
purchase.
-Eegah!
-[SCREAMING]
-Whoa.
-My fault.
Sorry.
All my fault.
-I'm with Allstate.
Who are you with?
-[SPEAKING_GERMAN]
-[GROANING]
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Which way to bly workshop?
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-[CLEARS_THROAT]
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-You know, I heard Kiel
ad-libbed this entire scene.
-Hey, funny.
I was driving a
stick, too. [LAUGHING]
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Ugh, damn foreign cars.
-Well, there's something
you don't see every day.
-It's the hose clamp.
Uh, you'll want to
get that checked
when you get back to town.
-[GRUNT]
-Oh, forget it.
I'm going back to
sleep. [SNORING]
-Uh, found this in your grill.
Probably what was
causing all the trouble.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-So, uh, you had a root beer
and a side of fries with that?
-Mm, nah.
Eegah can't go with that.
Not much leg room.
Huh-uh.
-Say, could you give me a lift
to Stephen J. Gould's house?
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN].
-Jim Morrison, the Paris years.
-Oh, he's doing Tai Chi on her.
[HONKING]
-[YELLS]
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-[SCREAMING]
-I'm still making payments!
-Busted!
-Saved by the Vette.
-Hey, Eegah!
How you doing, buddy?
-[SCREAMING]
-Roxy!
It's me, Tom!
-That's why I'm
screaming! [SCREAM]
-Oh, Tommy!
-What's the matter?
What happened?
-There was a Poco
song on the radio.
-Oh, is he gone?
-Who?
-Is he?
-Disney?
-Huh?
-I don't see anybody.
Just take it easy and
tell me what happened.
-Uh, is she really
going out with him?
-I did!
Honest, I saw a giant!
-Ooh, that face.
I feel handsome in comparison.
-You know, the nice
thing about this car
is that she can fold it up
and put it in her purse.
-It's a compact.
-Yeah.
-Crate and Barrel?
-Hey?
-No, it was right in
the middle of the road.
Not a half a mile from here.
-William Faulkner!
-He doesn't believe me.
-You didn't really expect
anyone to, did you, Miss Miller?
-Why not?
It's the truth.
-Ooh, good comeback.
-Honey, a, uh,
prehistoric monster
is a rather large
order to swallow.
-Dad, I didn't say
he was a monster.
He was a giant.
-It's a big difference.
-You know, a caveman.
Club and all, eh?
-Yes.
-What my daughter saw, she saw.
Now let's just
let it go at that.
-Could you just take
our order, please?
-Well, if you see
your giant again,
let me know in time
to take some pictures?
-Come to Eegah Retirement
Village, for the good life.
-Town caves and slag heaps
starting at $100,000.
-Couldn't you have
imagined the whole thing?
-No.
-Now, let's be
realistic about this.
You said yourself
that you fainted.
Isn't it possible that you
dreamed this whole idea?
-No, Dad.
I didn't.
There was a giant.
-Oh, she's got a neat shape.
-Now, I don't want
to call this story
of yours a lot of foolishness,
and I haven't so far, have I?
-No.
-But if there were a giant, if
anyone at all had been here--
-Mr. Miller!
Come here!
-My neck snapped!
-What did you find?
-I don't know.
It sure looks like
a footprint, though.
-Let me see.
-It's dirt!
-Yes, look.
There's the heel,
and there's the toes.
-That's an ant
colony, you idiot!
-Look at the size of him.
-Glen was 50 feet tall.
-It must have been made by a--
-Say it.
-A giant.
-What did I tell you?
-Hooray, I won!
-And that's for finding it.
-I'll find the big boy himself
for you, if you feel like that.
-He left the road right here.
-Watch out for snakes.
-Who said that?
-Uh, let's not forget
where we parked Super Car.
-Better go back to the car.
-No!
He's my giant.
-Holy cow, he was standing
right here watching us.
-Playing bass.
-Then he turned
and took off for--
-There?
-Shadow Mountain.
Do you suppose that's
where he lives?
-(SINGING) Oh, to live
on Shadow Mountain.
-That would account for his
never having been seen before.
-It's too bad we didn't
bring the dune buggy.
We could go after him.
-What for?
-Well, to get some pictures.
Maybe even to bring him back.
A lot of people aren't going
to believe this giant jazz.
-No.
We're not to say anything
about this, you understand?
-Why not?
After the way everyone
laughed at me.
-Your turn will come.
-He's got third degree burns!
-Third degree sideburns.
-Are you gonna write a book
about giant, Mr. Miller?
-That's the idea, Tommy.
-I'll take you up there.
My dune buggy's all ready to go.
-No thanks.
-It is!
I just gave it the works!
-There's no offense, son.
-Dammit, son.
-But I'd like to take
this trip in something
a little bit safer.
-More stylish.
-(CRYING) He resents
my dune buggy!
-Watch out for snakes.
-Whirlybirds!
-Blue Thunder! !
-MASH!
-Apocalypse Now!
-Dispatches!
-Because, you see,
it's a helicopter.
-[LAUGHS] And all
of those elements.
-It looks like I got
a flat tire here.
-I'll see you in about
two days at the most.
-Oh, please take
care of yourself.
-Now, my credit cards
are in the desk drawer.
You make sure you
leave them there.
-Dad's fun.
-This thing's supposed to
be safer than my dune buggy?
-Oh, shut up about your dune
buggy, you little twerp.
-I like them.
Yeah.
-Uh, got my shoe trees in here.
-Ouch!
My hand!
[SCREAMING AND CHOPPING NOISES]
-Richard Nixon leaving
the White House.
[HUMMING_THE_"MASH"_THEME]
-I thought we promised
never to do that again.
-Oh, sorry.
-Oh.
I had my fingers crossed.
-Look at those legs.
-Boy, they're really
hitting it off.
-Hey, Skipper, look at
this thing on my leg here.
It's like a mole, but
it keeps flaking off.
See that?
-I want that!
-Now, there should be
a Ram Charger up there.
-Oh, for a shoulder
mounted anti-aircraft gun.
-Oh, you mean a stinger.
-Whatever.
-Commute to work or play in
your own personal helicopter.
Miracle Acrylic Bubble
makes it possible.
-Eegah drives a tank?
-Well, uh, I don't really
know what to say, Roy.
Look, this isn't
good bye, really.
There are other
helicopter rides.
-So, you got everything?
-(SPANISH ACCENT) Surprise.
I am Jose Greco.
-Now, don't you forget.
I want you to meet me at the
mouth of Deep Canyon tomorrow
at 4:00.
-(LAUGHING) Sure.
4:00.
Whatever.
-Sure hope it doesn't get hot.
-Jeez, that helicopter
took off fast.
Where'd he go?
-Hey, to the left.
That-- yeah.
Yeah.
There.
-Hey, that's my daughter!
-See, those are
his contact lenses.
He's quite
nearsighted, actually.
-Meet him at Deep Mouth
Canyon tomorrow at 4:00.
What the hell was I thinking?
Jeez.
-Oh, yeah.
You can tell he's an
experienced mountaineer.
-The hell?
Is that a Bell Huey?
Whoa, flashbacks kicking in.
Danang.
-[GRUNT]
-Ugh!
Better tell others!
Oh, wait, there are no others.
-[GRUNT]
-The Old Indiana
Jones Chronicles.
-Watch out for snakes!
-It's Lawrence of Pasadena.
-Oh, man, look.
He's wearing corrective
shoes with black socks.
-He's wearing
corrective everything.
-Oh, this is a Kodak moment.
-OK, say embers.
[DRUMS]
-(SINGING) They took the
whole Cherokee nation.
-This is going to prove a lot
to the Royal Geographic Society.
-Howard Hughes?
-Victim of his
own fashion sense.
-No!
-No means no, Eegah.
-No, no!
No!
No!
-It's under a big W. [GROAN]
-Eee!
-What?
-Oh, it's a Tampax commercial.
-[SINGING]
-Augh!
-You know, maybe you should move
those amps away from the pool.
-He's surrounded by
adoring housewives.
-G7, D Major, D-- uh, G.
-[INAUDIBLE]!
-(SINGING) Vicky.
-What?
-(SINGING) Oh, Vicky.
-What?
Shut up.
You're embarrassing me.
-Uh, would the gentleman
by the side of the pool
please discontinue the song?
Um, but watch out for snakes.
-Johnny Winter and--
-Look, Mom!
Watch me!
-Man, it looks like
it hurts to be him.
-Whoa, I bet people
in those rooms
are calling the
management right now.
-No, that comes right
from the sewage system!
-I'm so naughty.
I'm such a little brat, mm-hmm.
-Like a Cabbage Patch Elvis.
[HUMMING_"JAWS"_THEME]
-Oh, there you are.
-Ooh, did you enjoy
my frolicking?
I'm naughty, you know.
-I'm just going to drink you in.
So naughty.
-[BARKING]
-Ow!
-Oh, gosh, I'm sorry, pal.
I've been so distracted.
I just keep thinking
about that slick gas
station in today's movie.
Did you notice how sleek
and beautiful it was?
-Uh, gee, no, Joel,
I can't say as I did.
Cuckoo.
Cuckoo.
-Hey, come on.
I'm serious.
There existed a time when
our nation took pride
in its service stations.
They gleamed like a beacon
of hope from coast to coast.
Then, one day, kablooey.
You know, Sky
Chief Super Service
turned into the Tank and Tummy.
I don't mind telling you guys,
the day this country went
self service was the
day that hell began
to bubble up and
flood the earth.
-You know, I hate to
burst your bubble, Joel,
but, uh, what about
the bubonic plague?
World War?
Stalin?
-Oh, come on.
Those are all big things.
You know, hell it works better
when it's a lot more subtle.
Here.
I'll give you an example.
OK, Crow, uh, what do you
think of Adolf Hitler?
-Well, I hate him, naturally.
-Right.
Now, uh, what do you
think of the band Styx?
-Well, you know, they had one
or two decent-- oh my god,
you're right!
-I get it now, Joel!
Now, I'm not certain
when hell started for me,
but I think it has something
to do with Christopher Cross.
-Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, remember the time
that Charlie Weaver died
and it wasn't even
in the papers?
-Yeah.
-Or when they 86ed jarts.
-I think the first time
Flo said "kiss my grits,"
something inside all of
us withered and died.
-Using Joe Camel to
sell cigarettes to kids
seems like a pretty
ripe slice of hell.
-Yeah, I agree with that.
And then there was the
time Denis Leary released
"No Cure for
Cancer" as an album.
And then the time Vicki Lawrence
won a Grammy for "The Night
the Lights Went Out in Georgia."
-I know I stand alone
on this, but the day
"Blansky's Beauties"
got canceled.
-Yeah, you stand alone on that.
-Yeah, pretty much.
-Sinbad's pretty icky.
-Yeah.
What about the Charlene
Tilton workout video?
-Joel, what chance do
we have in a world that
keeps presenting us with
vivid images of hell?
-Well, there's personal
liberty, strength of conviction.
Those have been known to work.
Then there's the time the
country rallies together
to beat back hell,
like the time we
as a nation said no
to Yahoo Serious.
-I remember that.
All of us together,
drawn inexplicably
to the slobbering mouth of hell.
And then suddenly, somehow,
by some unknown force,
rescued in the nick of time
like Moses and the Israelites.
-Now, who in creation is
powerful enough to do that?
-Gee, Davey, do you
think it was God?
-We'll be right back.
-Ow.
-Ooh, look.
She's dressed for a
Benny Hill audition.
-Harry Connick, Jr.?
-Hello.
-[GRUNTING] Eegah. [GRUNTING]
-Yes?
-[GRUNTING]
-Dad will understand.
-Eew!
-It's one of those things.
-Jonny Quest.
-[GRUNTING]
-Just a minute, please.
-What?
-Do you know where
Deep Canyon is?
-[NERVOUS_LAUGHTER]
-Are you sure?
-Sure I'm sure.
I've been there lots of times.
Why?
-Don't worry, Mr. Kreuger.
I'll take care of it.
-Can I have some money
for some Chuckles?
-Yes.
Thanks for calling.
Good bye.
-What's up?
-That was Mr. Krueger
from the airport.
The helicopter blew a
gasket or something.
He won't be able to pick Dad up.
-I pledge allegiance.
-Yes.
-To your dad.
-No problem.
We'll get the dune buggy and
we'll whiz right out there.
-I got it.
He looks like the bat
from "Fern Gully."
-Oh.
-Rat Patrol, in
three or four colors.
-This is whizzing?
-Wait til we get
off the highway.
-Joel, do you ever
whiz out in the desert?
-[NERVOUS_LAUGH]
-Hey, it's Schlop Car.
-Hang onto your garter belt.
-But there's no road here.
-This is what the
buggy was made for.
-It's swell for tearing
up fragile ecosystems!
Watch!
-Looks like Sheltering
Sky meets the Archies.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-On their way to Thunderdome.
-(SINGING) Welcome
to the jungle!
-Ooh, I gotta go!
Ooh.
-We sure bounce.
-My tires are filled with water.
-To keep them cool?
-No, for weight!
Gives me traction in the sand.
Watch this.
-Huh.
-Oh yeah.
That really is something.
Would you just drive, please?
-[SCREAMING_AND_LAUGHING]
-I think she's in pain.
-Put a wallet under her tongue.
-[LAUGHING]
-[VOMITING_NOISES]
-Dad can wait!
This is a blast!
-Whee!
Whee!
-Stop that!
Don't do that!
-Whee!
-Ugh, are they carrying a pig?
-Come on, dad's waiting.
-Oh, forget dad.
We're young.
What about us?
-We have to talk about
our relationship.
-Whee!
-Stop saying whee!
Nobody says whee!
-Oh, this is a real Lucy and
Viv situation right here.
-Uh, we?
-You know, they
should throw some snow
under those tires--
it's a switcheroo!
-[INAUDIBLE].
-Fun's over.
We're gonna die now.
-Ah.
-[LAUGHING]
-I was afraid we were going
to have to neck for a minute.
-Hey, neat.
The music got us out of trouble.
-(SINGING) Got a groovy
thing going, baby.
-Hey, you know, if this
was a Mountain Dew ad,
wouldn't they be
waterskiing on rollerskates
being pulled by
horses off of cliffs?
-Whee.
-Welcome to Death Valley Days.
-There you are.
Deep Canyon.
-I don't see dad anyplace.
-OK, let's go.
[HUMMING]
-The endless bummer.
-It's past 4:30.
-See?
-I wonder whose hand that was.
-I don't know.
-To be with the human.
To live like the human.
-[HUMMING] Just making a place
to set your dad's body once we
find the remains.
-Hey, take it easy
on that water.
-Well, I don't want us to
dry out before dad gets here.
And don't you eat anymore.
-And don't touch
my soup starter.
It's gotta cook for a while.
-Do you think we'll
freeze to death
before the jackals get us?
-What do you suppose happened?
-He died.
-Oh, nothing happened.
He's not coming on
a bus, you know.
You can't can expect him
to be right on the dot.
-Don't make me think so much.
-I know, but he should
have made it before dark.
-Don't worry about it.
He'll see the campfire and come
walking in on us any minute
now.
-That's what you
said two hours ago.
-Well, he will.
-Well, if you
believe that, what's
the idea with the bed roll?
-Look, I carry all
this junk in the buggy
anyway, so you might as
well get some use out of it.
-I'm not sleepy.
-I'm petulant.
-When Edward Albee
dabbles in beach movies.
-Lie down.
Take a rest for a while.
I'll keep the fire going.
-I'll just break off a pound of
my hair at a time and burn it.
-Hey, what are you
doing with that?
-[MIMICS_GUNSHOT]
-I always carry a
gun in the desert.
There's coyotes around the camp.
-Put it away.
We're not playing cowboy.
-You know, there's mountain
lions around here, too.
-And elephants and stuff.
-Well, they won't
come near a fire.
I know that much.
And I'm not going to have you
take a shot at something that
turns out to be dad.
-OK, OK.
I'll put it away
on one condition.
That you crawl in
and get some rests.
-OK.
-I won't shoot your dad, OK?
Jeez.
-Uh, Roxy?
I'm gonna sing myself to sleep.
-He borrowed that top
from Audrey Hepburn.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Arch, no.
No, Arch.
No, please.
No.
Please.
-She's packed to move and can
be drop shipped to your home
overnight.
-Fortunately, he remembered
to bring the Isley Brothers.
-It's kind of like a Mitty
Silverton working there, huh?
-Went on to do music
for Sergio Leone.
-[WHISTLING]
-I'm Death, and I
have visited upon you.
-(SINGING) If I had
1,000 paintings.
-Well, you don't.
-(SINGING) In a marble gallery.
-This should keep
the wolves away.
-I'd be in the
Museum of Modern Art.
-[HUMMING] What
the hell was that?
-[SINGING]
-Hey, stop smiling.
He's smiling!
-That's nice.
Honey, where's your 12 gauge?
-[SINGING]
-I've heard enough.
I'll go beat him senseless.
-[SINGING]
-Shouldn't he be
moving his lips?
-No, I'm not gonna
kill him right away.
I'll let him linger.
-[SINGING]
-(SINGING) If I had
a billion dollars.
-They'd raise my taxes.
-He makes Debbie Boone
sound like Hound Dog Taylor.
-I figured out.
He's a cyst with teeth and hair.
-(SINGING) To give to--
-I demand you stop smiling.
-Now, is she Billie Jo,
Betty Jo, or Bobby Jo.
-Please!
Come on, Eegah!
Hurry up!
Where's that club?
-(CHANTING) Eegah, Eegah,
bonk bonk on the head.
-(SINGING) Archie's here.
-One way or the other.
What do you think?
-I don't know.
-I've never thought before.
-I'll climb up
there a ways and see
if the buggy can get through.
-Or a shovel.
Didn't ask to be in this movie.
-No, you better stay here.
-No!
-There's no reason
for both of us going.
We gotta come back
for the buggy anyway.
-Well then we'll come back.
I'm not going to sit
here doing nothing.
-Oh, women.
-Let's see.
What did I mean by that?
-You stay here with the buggy.
-Nope.
-And drive it up to meet me
when I give you the signal.
That'll save us both a trip.
Come on.
-I'm whining you!
Please!
-Well, OK.
-Aw, the gun.
Toss it.
-Now your lunch.
Toss it.
-Oh, I can see it coming.
A tragic accident.
Come on, come on-- aww.
-Damn.
-Give me a blast from that
horn if you see anything.
-Don't worry about that.
-Oh, you know, he's built
for child bearing, isn't he?
-Serpentine!
Serpentine!
-I see a cactus!
Honk!
I see a lizard!
Honk!
-Keep going, you sap!
Just over that ridge!
That's it!
I'm out of here.
-Stay alive!
Whatever may come,
I will find you!
-See?
I told you so.
Watch out for snakes.
-Come on, boy.
Just a little closer.
Mm, smooth, pink meat.
Wearing shorts, too.
Mm, nothing but
meat on that boy.
-[HUMMING] Oh, I do want
to look good for Eegah.
-Why am I losing my
hair in big chunks?
-[HUMMING] Oh, nice
steering wheel.
I don't know about all this.
It's sunny.
My dress is blue.
Oh, nice shovel. [HUMMING]
What about my nose hairs?
-You're here, and he's got
the traveler's checks there.
-Archie's in the Gaza Strip!
-This is my country!
-What was I looking for again?
Sky?
No, woman.
I should have wrote
that note to myself.
It's weird the way it's so blue.
Why are those buzzards circling?
Huh.
Neat.
-(SINGING) Born free!
-What-- what's that smell?
Is that me?
Oh.
No?
[HONK]
-Don't hit!
-Oh, he knows women, and she's
going to want that purse.
-Mm-hmm.
-Uh, this-- this is really
hard, finding the-- ow, caveman.
Owie.
-Oh, my girlish hips.
Ow.
-Huh?
-Roxy!
-Music!
-Roxy!
-And elsewhere!
-Oh, I let another one.
-Roxy!
Roxy, where are you?
-I'm being abducted!
-You know, Eegah should
have taken two trips.
First the purse and the
club, then the girl.
Would've been easier.
-Oh, boy.
I made good time.
-Oh no.
He's got people stacked
like cord wood in there!
-He is this close to
being Dom DeLuise.
-Well, I see you've met Eegah.
He'll spoil you.
I'm spent.
-Visit Cave of the
Mounds, Dodgeville.
-That's OK.
Don't help.
-[GROAN] Yep, yep.
This looks much better over
here by the lime deposit.
-Eegah, I woke up.
You weren't here.
I hate that.
-[HUMMING]
-Eegah, you said
you lived alone!
-[GRUNTING "HERE
COMES THE BRIDE"]
-There.
Play nice.
-Roxy.
You finally break up with
that weird faced kid?
-Roxy.
-[GRUNTING]
-I got it.
Don't worry.
-Roxy?
-Oopie.
-Roxy!
-Dad!
-Wow.
She can snap in and out of
consciousness, can't she?
-Oh, dad.
-Oh.
-Oh, are you hurt?
-No, I wear this thing
for effect, you doorknob.
-Here.
Let me help you.
-Ow!
That's OK.
-How did you get here?
-Well, we came looking
for you, and-- and we
were both so worried that
we didn't know what to do.
-No, no.
No.
No, no.
-No, just the check.
-No, no.
She is mine.
-(SINGING) The
doggone girl is mine.
-She's mine.
-He understands you.
-Oh, we've got a beautiful
friendship going.
-Is that irony, dad?
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-What's he saying?
Shimmy shimmy cocoa pop?
-Take it easy.
-Dad!
-Oh, no.
This guy went to the
Torgo School of Fondling.
-Me?
Scare him?
-Smile.
-Mm, smell Love's Baby Soft.
-Now you smell him, honey.
[SNIFFING]
-Scent of a Woman.
-He likes your perfume.
-Smell all you want.
-But take all you smell.
-What became of the others?
-What others?
-Keep smiling.
You didn't come out
here alone, did you?
-No.
-Tish, that's French.
-Tom's with me.
I mean, he's out
there someplace.
-Oh.
He's just curious.
Hold still.
-Aw, he's pawing me, daddy.
-That's OK, precious.
-Eegah like get caught in rain.
-It's real, see?
-Honey, I've been
telling him about you.
-(SINGING) How do you do, ooh?
-What's he doing?
-Looking for lice, I believe.
-Ugh.
-Ugh.
-Careful, honey.
Take it easy.
He won't hurt you.
-He hurt you!
-No, I did that myself
when I fell on the camera.
-What a great dad.
-Dad, I think you'd better
break this up before I scream!
-Tell him you're hungry.
-I'm not.
-Well, think of the alternative.
-That's it.
I'm leaving.
-I'm hungry.
-Because I thought
of the alternative.
-Yes.
Hungry.
-Uh, I have ramen noodles
and brown mustard.
That's it.
-Well, uh, go ahead.
Just tell me.
-Two words.
Uh, movie.
Uh, sounds like, uh-- uh, no.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Would you like to
see the titles again?
-I'll just have a salad.
-What are those?
-Those are his relatives.
-Well, they're really lame.
-I am William Burroughs.
-I am William Burroughs.
-I am William Burroughs.
-I'm Rose Kennedy.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-They're dead.
-Yes, apparently for some time.
-It's always so awkward
meeting the family.
-Vowels, Eegah!
We need vowels!
-I'll make the daiquiris.
-Come on, dad.
Let's make a run for it.
Here.
-That won't work.
The entrance is blocked.
-Oh, what are we going to do?
-I don't know.
-First of all, you
could quit leaning
on my broken collarbone.
-Oh, great.
Dinner's a Duraflame log.
-He's telling his
family all about you.
-He's actually a
pretty funny guy.
-He told them about
me last night.
-You should have been there.
We really got the giggles.
We cried.
-Think how lonely he must be.
-Yeah.
He should get into
league bowling.
-I know whatever he
is, he's a human being.
-[GRUNTING]
-Norman?
Who's the girl, Norman?
Who is she?
-It's Wilfrid Hyde-White.
-No, it's-- yes, yes, indeed.
A very nice girl.
[BABBLING] Yes, capital.
Yes, smashing.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Uh-huh.
Yes, uh, she's Catholic.
Mm-hmm.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-It's either German
or he's burping.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-My Three Skulls.
-[HUMMING]
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-What'll I do?
-It'll be all right.
Play it by ear.
Don't let him--
-So, you have
designs after my son?
-He's telling them he
has guests for dinner.
-Literally!
-How do you do?
-I'm really, really dead.
-And there's Red.
-Well.
That one looks like a
very important ancestor.
Shake hands with him, Roxy!
-Oh, Dad!
-I'm kidding, of course.
-Pleased to meet you.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Doesn't he know they're dead?
-He suspects.
-I think so.
He just can't make
himself accept it.
-I'm not having any trouble.
-Make his mouth move, sweetie.
L'll make the funny voice.
-Oh, that's fine.
-Oh, I know.
I know.
-Why not try two
hands on the club?
-OK, you guys.
I'm all set up in this
What was it for again?
-If you must know, Joel, we're
going to surgically alter
your face so you look
just like Arch Hall, Jr.
-Wait a minute.
Who's Arch Hall, Jr.?
-Oh, you know.
Arch Hall, Jr., the butt ugly
teen star in today's movie.
Now, this might hurt a bit.
-Oh, Dr. Gypsy,
patient needs gas.
-And how are we today?
Hmm?
Oh, what a nice,
big boy you are.
He's toast.
See you guys in post-op.
-[GROWLING]
-Yes, uh, let's get
cracking, Dr. Tom.
Once that gas wears
off, I don't know
how long those
restraints will hold.
-Don't give it another
thought, Dr. Crow.
By the time Joel comes to, he'll
have no recourse but to take up
a career as a wimpy
B-movie actor!
-[CACKLING]
-You know, Dr.,
I have a mad posh
to start with the Arch hair.
-Switching on Arch hair!
Ah, and it smells bad, too.
Now, quickly, Dr. Tom,
let's smush his face up
to look like a sunburned baby.
-Smushed sunburned baby Arch
Hall, Jr. face coming up.
-Ooh, looking good, Dr. Tom.
But he needs that inhuman
Play-Doh color skin.
But how?
-Don't fret, Dr. Crow.
The pigment's on its way.
Watch, Doctor.
-Haha, yes.
-Ah, the sleeper awakens!
Hurry, he's almost complete.
I'll give him the
Arch Hall nose,
and let's get the
hell out of here.
-But I don't wanna look
like Arch Hall, Jr.!
-Alas, Babylon.
Quick, Gypsy.
Hit him with the fixative!
It's almost--
-It is--
-Movie sign!
[MOVIE SIGN BUZZER]
-Oh my God!
Malpractice sign!
-Ugh.
Ow.
You know, that really hurt?
-Sorry.
-Wait, who am I?
What am I?
Why am I?
Who am I looking for?
-Welp, about that
time, old coyote
had a hankering for some grubs.
[LAUGHING]
-Aw, this old desert stinks.
I can't find one clean spot.
Mmm, I smell something
oily and pink!
-I can't eat any more of this.
-Fake it.
-That's what I've been doing.
Now I'm getting sick.
-And talking like Loretta Lynn.
-Eegah.
-Is that his name?
-It might be.
That's the word he
says most of the time.
Eegah.
-He also says the word
Rayon, which is weird.
-Oh, Dad, no.
-Uh, want aperitif?
-That's all I need now is a
good drink of sulfur water.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Ew.
I don't see how anybody could
drink that horrible stuff.
-Yeah, have you
tried Crystal Pepsi?
Some people will drink anything.
-Put lime in coconut.
Drink all up.
-I guess it can't hurt me.
-[MIMICS_FAST_FORWARD_SOUND]
It hurt me!
-Make it last as
long as you can.
He won't hurt you if
you're doing something.
-A prehistoric gentleman, huh?
Thank you.
-It's a sipping drink.
-Well, here's to you.
-Up yours.
-Thanks.
-Ugh.
-She's gonna get the
Eegah trots for sure.
-Make you strong?
You have to be strong to
drink it in the first place.
Can I get a beer back with this?
-No, no.
I'm still thirsty.
Thank you.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-That does it.
Ugh.
-Come on, soup good food!
-Sarah T., the portrait
of a teenage alcoholic.
-No, no no, honey.
I need some Renew.
My contacts are killing me.
-What is it?
-Believe it or not, Dad, I'm
going to look at his etchings.
-No!
-Ew!
-Ugh.
-This is nice.
No, no, no.
This is.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN].
-Oh, you like that one?
I don't even like to show it.
Yes, the--
-This cubist.
Heavy Braque influence.
-I see what you mean.
-Look.
There's a ripple on that rock.
-Apparently Eegah covered
the cave with muslin.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Oh, wait, wait.
This one really good.
See?
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-In time before born,
lived man sail sea.
-Dad?
-What is it?
-This guy's good.
-Look at this drawing.
It's me in my car.
-Oh, it is her.
This one.
It's me!
-That's what she thinks.
It's actually Sandra Dee.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Roxy!
Roxy!
-Hey, maybe you should move
around a little bit, Arch.
-If Eegah makes me drink any
more of this sulfur water,
I'll die.
-We've got to keep him busy.
-I know.
-Barkeep.
-And as a matter of fact.
Little bitter.
But it seems to have a certain
quality that's good for you.
I wouldn't be a bit surprised
if the sulfur in these walls
isn't what's kept these
giants alive all these years.
-You mean--
-You know, even in crisis,
these two are dull.
-Where have you
seen those before?
-A Keith Haring exhibit.
-In that cave in France.
-Exactly.
-Yes.
-Yes!
-Same style, same everything.
-Same Bat channel.
-Definitely prehistoric.
-No duh.
-Yes, I'd say that he and his
tribe have always been here.
-Are there others?
-No.
He's the last one?
-Then where will his
seed find purchase?
-How can you be sure?
-Take a good look at his family.
From the condition
of the shrouds,
I'd say the last one
died 50 or 100 years ago.
-How come this clown knows
more than Richard Leakey?
-How old does that make him?
-Oh, I wouldn't even guess.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-(SINGING) Eegah with
the laughing face.
-Today, ladies and gentlemen,
Eegah's 400 years young.
-Shh.
-He's been there since
the beginning of time,
and he's only drawn
three pictures?
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Here.
Uh, you take the couch.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Here it comes.
-Wait for it.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Oh, shtemlo.
Oh.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-This is the dark ritual
of primitive mating.
You'll get used to it.
-[GROANING]
-Crimetime After
Primetime is on.
Can we watch it?
-No.
-[YAWNING]
-Oh, we get it, Eegah.
We're just not tired.
-Uh, uh, "The Big Sleep."
No, "Six Pack."
Uh, "Long Day's Journey
Into--" oh, pass.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-I want to sleep with the woman.
Get it?
Do I have to put on my
Marvin Gay album, or what?
-I don't know, honey, he
didn't do this with me.
-What are they doing?
-They're telling secrets, honey.
-Oh.
-Oh, Ted, someone's watching!
-What?
Can I help you?
-Roxy?
Roxy!
-Band practice! [SPUTTER] Oh,
man, how long have I been oily?
-I think he's nesting.
-Oh, god.
He's sick.
-Oh, yuck.
He's grooming himself.
-Ew.
-How?
-[WHINING_NOISES]
-Well, back to another
day of whining.
-OK, get out hair oil.
-I feel like I'm getting
closer to (MUFFLED) nature.
Mm.
-Hey!
-Bingo.
-Basic H from Shaklee,
for all your liquid needs.
-[HUMMING]
-Well, day's getting away
from me. [CLEARS THROAT] Roxy!
Roxy!
Roxy!
-Watch out for snakes.
-(SINGING) Uh, good
morning, good morning.
We've talked the
whole night through.
-This movie isn't healthy
for children and other living
things.
-Roxy?
-Honey?
You're sleeping on
the commode, honey.
-Roxy?
-[GASP]
-Arch Hall, Jr.!
Get away!
-It's you, dad.
-Go see if the rock's in place.
He's gone.
Now's our chance.
-I'm up, dad.
Guy.
-They should take a knife
and cut through the canvas.
-It's there.
What are we going to do?
-They're in a saggy
cave that leaks.
-What can I do?
-Help me back.
I've gotta sit down.
No, no.
Don't touch it.
-It's mine.
-It's got to be tied up
or something, doesn't it?
-There's some aspirin
in my gear bag.
-I don't see it.
-He brought it here.
It must be around someplace.
-It's the red thing
that's not prehistoric.
-Why don't you ask
Uncle Dave over there?
-Keep looking.
He probably hid it somewhere.
-It's a cave.
How hard you have to look?
-Oh, here it is.
-It was over here
in his armoire.
-Hey, I got a crazy idea.
Let's rearrange his
family while he's away.
-The aspirin's in
that small pocket.
-Uh, dad, why did you
bring your bowling ball?
-[COUGHING]
-I'm sick.
-Give me two.
-Oh, no, no.
Keep them coming.
Come on.
Come on.
-The classic aspirin scene.
-Drink a lot of water.
It'll give you strength.
-And there's hardly
any rat in it.
-It won't knit bones, honey.
-It's got to be tied up
or something, doesn't it?
-No, it feels pretty good now.
-Liar.
-That's no way to
talk to your father.
-The trouble with
you is I spoiled you.
-You sure did.
-God, what have I--
-Hollywood Hot Tubs Three,
with Kelly Monteith.
-What can I do?
-Nothing.
I'll just sit here.
-How about if I
washed your face?
Or gave you a shave?
It'll make you feel better.
You've got all your junk here.
-I know it's weird,
but I'm into weird.
-OK.
-A shave it is.
-Sad, really.
-Say, isn't it about time Tom
got back to the gas station?
-Uh, he's on sabbatical.
-Oh.
-Patience, my ass.
I'm going to kill something.
-Is this some kind of a
weird biathlon or something?
-Roxy!
[WHINING AND COUGHING] Roxy!
Roxy!
-Ew, no.
-Joel, I'm going to
slap this movie so hard.
-Shave down.
-Ugh.
Ugh.
Ew.
-This is so sick.
-Oh, please become Sweeney Todd.
Please, please become the
demon barber of Fleet Street
right now.
-Have you seen "Andalusian Dog"?
-Oh, yeah.
-(SINGING) I have often
walked down the street before.
-Well, we're on a collision
course with wackiness!
-Roxy, Roxy, I got
swimming suit rash!
[WHINING]
-There goes one
stupid young man.
-[HUMMING]
-(SINGING) Red roses
for a blue lady.
-[HUMMING]
-(SINGING) Eegahchaka,
Eegah, Eegah, Eegahchaka.
-(SINGING) I can't
stop this feeling.
-Aww.
-Oh, it's just Eegah.
-Look, before he has a
chance to block the entrance,
I'll get his attention.
You run out.
-And leave you?
-Do as I tell you.
-Not this time, dad.
-Papa don't preach.
-You were lucky last night.
He's had time to
think about you.
-Ew!
-I'm not going to let you
get your head bashed in.
My father didn't
raise me that way.
-Nah-nah-nah.
-Hm?
-He's covered with foam again.
Continuity!
-[GRUNTING]
-Eegah, honey, father's
here for dinner.
[GUITAR STING]
-(SINGING) One, two,
party at the county jail.
-Honey, did you bring
home some milk and bread?
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-A poem by Henry Gibson.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-He brought me flowers.
-We've got to get his
mind on something else.
Make a production out of it.
Sing, hum, whistle.
Come on.
-[SINGING]
-Oh, jeez.
-Oh.
Oh.
Oh, I'm being punished for
something, I know I am.
What could I have done?
I didn't ask to see this movie!
-Uh, honey.
When's your dad moving out?
-[SINGING]
-Uh, kind of weird shaving
your dad, isn't it?
-[SINGING]
-Strauss?
-He's interested.
He almost forgot
to shut the door.
-Well, that doesn't say
much for my sex appeal.
-[GROAN]
-[SINGING]
-Stop singing.
Stop singing!
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-First blade lift hair,
second one cut clean.
-Aha.
-Now I suppose he wants a shave.
-Good.
Give it to him.
-Anything to please
the customers.
-Does anybody else
think this show is sick?
Just say Eegah.
-Eegah.
-Ugh.
-Just use some
spirit gum remover.
-Why don't you
just cut the string
that holds that beard on?
-Try these.
-They're toasted.
-Oh, we've got a
Flowbee in here, too.
-I know what let's do.
Let's feather it.
-[GRUNTS]
-Oh, baby.
Oh, yes.
You know what I like.
-Roxy, where are you?
-It's a giant gila monster!
-He's starting to
look like Markie Post.
-Roxy!
-Oh, he's calling all
the animals to help him.
-Hey, I got a message from Roxy.
She said to hang on.
-Oh, boy.
This is one of Eegah's
problem areas there.
-Eegah like so much
he buy company.
-Better watch him with
that shaving balm.
-Eegah's gonna do whip-its.
-[GROWLING]
-[SCREAMING]
-[LAUGHING]
-It's perfect.
-So, who do you like in
the big game tonight?
-I am big game.
-Eew.
-Yuck.
-Make him stop!
-That's not a tongue!
It's a Muskie Leech!
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Well, for once,
I'm glad to see him.
-Roxy!
-You don't have to wear
that dress tonight!
[GUNSHOT]
[MIMICKING ENGINE NOISES]
[MIMICKING CRASH]
-She shaved his chest!
-You did a better job
of shaving him, Roxy.
-Ew.
-Thanks.
-There's no way of telling
how old that fella is.
-Look.
-(LAUGHING) I like Ike.
-Mm, me look like
Anthony Michael Hall.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Hm, no, more like
Sandra Bernhardt.
-This could be a real
cute engagement photo.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-No, try parting it on the left.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Dad, were you talking?
-You're handsome.
-Well, I wouldn't go that far.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Set the hook, Roxy.
-Foam side, edge side.
-I warn you, Roxy,
don't upset him.
-[LAUGHING]
-Tell me some more
about your etchings.
-Oh, man.
-Oh, boo.
-Boo!
-Uh, you like the pretty smell?
Here.
This is loaded with perfume.
-Yeah, that's probably Giorgio.
-What a femme.
-This impostor fragrance!
-I'm gonna try and get
him to move the rock.
-Between love and Fred
Flintstone lies Obsession.
-These smell pretty too.
Where did you get them?
Out there?
-On the exit ramp?
-Yep, I really think you
should put them in water.
-Don't patronize me.
-I guess you're right.
There are plenty more out there!
-I didn't know Senator
Packwood was so tall.
-See?
Take it.
I'll bet you haven't see
anything like that before.
-(STUPID LAUGHTER) Pretty.
-Don't you think it's pretty?
-Um, I'm bunching.
Do you mind?
-Oh!
-Give him something else.
-Oh, ew!
-Dad!
-What?
-[INAUDIBLE].
-I haven't got anything else.
-Except for some
cheese filled combos.
-Here, here.
-OK, you drive a
hard bargain, lady.
-That was a mistake.
-Turn it off!
-I hate to think what Camille
Polly would say about this.
-Don't get the idea I don't
like you, but my father--
-Might shout something at you!
-He can see us.
He.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Yes, that's the idea.
-That's exactly what
I've been saying.
-We can go outside.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-What a dope.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Oh.
No!
No!
-Didn't you say take out dad?
-No, Eegah.
Outside.
-[GROWL]
-So, how you kids getting along?
-[ROAR]
-Boo!
-You brute.
I'll-- I'll kick you.
-My collarbone!
Watch the collar-- oof!
-[SCREAMING]
-Calling all units.
Domestic in progress
by the canyon.
-She's showing more
courage than her dad.
[GUNSHOT]
-Who did that?
-Help me, Spock.
-Oh, it's this clown.
Uh-huh.
-Nah, he wouldn't
fit in the den.
Too much meat on him.
-[GRUNTING]
-Aw, the Chianti is gone.
-Would someone help me
with the door, please?
-(SINGING) Ragdoll,
daddy's little cutie!
-Owie, owie, sting.
Oh, oh, ouchie, my pants.
-Ow, the collarbone!
The collarbone!
Oh, don't you know first aid?
-Go get after them.
-The dune buggy,
just down the canyon.
-Oh!
-I can do it.
Go on.
-Uh, don't forget
your little satchel.
Good.
-That purse will be
the death of him.
-(AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)
The dingos took my baby!
-Eh, I could've just carried my
wallet in my pocket, I suppose.
-[ROAR]
-Surprise!
Happy birthday.
-All part of his Drop
Your Guns program.
-Ew, I don't want
to do that again.
-[ROARING]
-You hurt Eegah's feelings.
-Oh, poopy.
-Oh, double poopy.
-Yes!
Yes!
-[CHEERING]
-He's resting comfortably now.
-Yes!
-Huh?
-Hm.
-(CRYING) You want another shot
at me, Eegah, you big femme?
-Come on, you stupid zinge.
-I'll throw this
grapefruit at you.
-Ooh, right in the area.
-Oh, Eegah.
I thought you were
Arch Hill-- [SCREAMING]
-Tom!
-Cool it, Roxy.
Everything's all right.
-Tom, I want to start
seeing guys from other eras.
-Dad!
-He's OK.
He's waiting for us.
-You got a chorus
pedal in that purse?
-Gary.
-Can't keep a good Eegah down.
-Aww.
It's a paper cut.
-Most embarrassing
day of my life.
-If you prick Eegah,
do he not bleed?
-Well, I pretty much
saved the day there.
Mm-hmm.
-Well, got the bag
all bungeed down.
That's not going anywhere.
[HUMMING] Ah, the good life.
-Huh?
-Hi, kids!
-Hi, chicken dad!
-Dad!
-Bill Clinton legs.
-Take off the pith helmet.
-Run, kids, run!
-But Dad, don't layer
your voice like that!
-Oh, yeah, I see what you mean!
-[ROARING]
-Top of the dune, ma!
-Shovel's safe.
-Dad, quit wriggling
in my seat like that!
[ENGINE TURNING OVER]
-Oh, no.
The oldest cliche in the movie.
They're doomed.
-It won't start.
-Let me.
-Hello, Hall family?
I'm not letting you
leave without some
of this yummy hot dish.
-Hurry!
-What's wrong with it?
-I rigged it so
nobody could steal it.
-Out here?
-At least take some of
these nummy caramel rolls!
-Aw, you're supposed
to drive away from him!
-Couldn't catch up with
that one. [INAUDIBLE].
-(SINGING) Oh you
pretty Chitty Bang Bang,
Chitty Chitty Bang
Bang, we love you.
-Gol darn smoochers
on my property!
-What's this?
Eegah ogling our allies?
Callous Cro-Magnon conniptions!
-Uh, is it OK if
we still go whee?
-Well, let's wait until
we outrun him first.
-OK.
-What about this
three bean salad?
It'll go bad!
-What?
What?
OK, bye.
-Wait, Eegah's got my purse.
We have to go back.
-Over to your right,
the "Robot Monster" set.
-Dead end!
-(SINGING TO THE "PINK PANTHER"
THEME) Dead end, dead end,
dead end dead end dead
end dead end dead end.
-What's with the
whimsical sitcom music?
-[HUMMING]
-[HONK]
-Hey, hey, stupid caveman dude!
Read between the lines, man!
Woo!
-[ROARING]
-[WHISTLE]
-[ROARING]
-Run Von Ryan!
-[SCREAMING]
-[ROARING]
-Uh, bye bye, then.
Don't-- don't forget
to stay in touch!
Bye.
OK.
-Which way?
-Well, start with away from him.
-That way.
-Hey, did I tell you my
tires are filled with water?
My tires are filled with water.
-Look!
-Hi, I'm back!
-Oh, now where are you?
-You know, goodbyes
are hard for Eegah.
-Here, have some
Irish soda bread!
-I thought for sure
that would hit them.
-Hey, you're going
the wrong way!
-Are you OK, honey?
-Just fine, dad.
-Wowee, there he is.
-Yep, pretty much.
-So long, high pockets.
-The tall jokes are
funny, but they hurt.
-(SINGING) Torn between two
lovers, feeling like a fool.
-Stay alive, whatever may occur!
I--
-I covered that one earlier.
-And as we left the
clam-flowage desert,
somehow we knew that
we would return,
hunting for the mighty drecks.
-Well, back to the cave.
Lost my girlfriend,
got my Eegah crushed.
Been working on my beard since
3,000 BC, and boom, it's gone.
Eegah have bad day.
-Mm, mm, mm, mm.
This is going to be good.
You know, it's as much fun
to make as it is to eat.
-Well, I hope it tastes good,
because the as much fun to make
part just isn't
happening for me.
-Oh, say, Joel, I got a question
about today's experiment.
-Mmhmm?
-You know, that Roxy chick
hangs out with her dad a lot,
but where's her mom?
-Oh, well, I'm sure
her dad's a widower.
-Well, how do you know
he wasn't divorced?
-Well, because the movie took
place in the '60s, and back
then, divorce was considered
socially unacceptable.
And so the entertainment
industry's elegant solution
was the untimely
death of a spouse.
-You know, you're right, Joel.
Now that I think of
it, the families on TV
back then were mostly
run by widowers.
I mean, think of it, guys.
"The Andy Griffith
Show," "Mayberry RFD,"
"Courtship of
Eddie's Father," oh,
"My Three Sons," "Flipper,"
even "The Beverly Hillbillies."
The list goes on and on.
-Yeah.
The only normal family
back then was the Munsters.
-[LAUGHING]
-So, uh, what happened to all
those spouses on all those
'60s shows?
I mean, jeez, back then,
marrying a good natured
suburban guy with
cute, precocious kids
was like buying a one way
ticket to an early grave.
-Right.
Well, I know that on "My Three
Sons," Steve Douglas's wife's
untimely death had
something to do
with Secret Project X-15, yeah.
-Oh.
So how about Uncle Charlie?
Did he have a dead wife?
-Well, he was secretly
married to Bub,
who died under mysterious
circumstances that
were hushed up by
the government.
-Now you're making stuff up.
-Just push the corn.
-So, uh, what about Mr.
Eddie's father's wife, Wahappa?
-Oh, you mean Mrs. Livingston?
Uh, she tragically died
leaving the Earth's atmosphere
running away with "My
Favorite Martian."
It's sad, really.
-Oh, now you're making stuff up.
-Yeah, I am.
-When you come right down
to it, what we're really
talking about here, guys,
is a cheap plot device
that enables young, swinging
bachelors to mix it up
with a hot young lady and still
have adorable kids that they
can dispense folksy,
homespun advice to.
-Yeah, I guess it was
all pretty harmless.
-Now, wait a minute.
What do you mean, harmless?
An entire generation
grow up watching
shows run by single parents.
No wonder the nuclear family
has exploded in recent years.
-Hey!
I just thought of something!
We don't have a mom, either.
-Well, hey, yeah!
We're latchkey bots!
-[CRYING]
-Oh, come on, you guys.
Give me a break.
Come on.
I'm stranded in space.
And besides, when I was a kid,
I saw the ABC movie of the week
with Herschel Bernardi, "But
I Don't Want To Get Married,"
and it had a profound
effect on me.
-Oh, don't worry, Joel.
We both know we have a
lot to be grateful for.
We have you, we have Gypsy.
-Jiffy Pop.
-Cambot.
-Jiffy Pop.
-Magic Voice.
-Jiffy Pop.
-But most importantly, we
have lots and lots of love.
And that's something
you just don't
get in a two parent household.
-This thing wasn't even on.
-Doh!
-It's-- we'll be right back.
-What is this?
A prehistoric "Endless Love"?
-Criminy, I lived next to
Palm Springs all this time
and didn't even know it.
-Eegah.
-Wait a minute.
Why do they have a statue
of Pat Nixon in there?
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Oh, what's he gonna do?
Match the swatch?
-We're closed, sir.
-Oh, man.
I gotta get a hold of myself.
I'm getting hot
over a mannequin.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
[SNIFFING]
-She's cold and distant.
-Aw, well, jeez.
Aw, the heck with her.
Taxi!
[SCREECHING BRAKES]
-Look out!
There's a Foley artist!
-Watch out for snakes.
-Econo Lodge?
But why?
-Roxy!
-Honey, why do we have an
oven in the living room?
-I'm ready, Dad.
-Well, I'm not.
You're gonna have to help me.
I can't manage the tie.
-Here.
I'll do it.
Does it have to be this one?
-Young lady, that happens to
be one of my favorite ties.
-But the color.
-You gave it to me.
Four years ago.
-Boing!
-[MIMICKING_SITCOM_TRUMPET]
-Why, it's lovely.
-Jerry Garcia designed it.
-Dad, whatever happened to mom?
-Are you sure you're feeling
well enough to go out tonight?
-Honey, we've got to go out.
-Well, it's not
anything special.
It's just a party.
-Your whole gang will be there.
-Yeah.
-You can't avoid them forever.
-But you should.
-Some of them will
laugh a little.
-Well, if I know Agnes
Henderson, she'll laugh a lot.
-Hello!
I've got your Girl
Scout cookies!
-Oh, this is some of his
best acting right here.
-What will happen to him?
-I don't know, but I'm certain
we're doing the right thing.
If we were to reveal that
a giant actually exists,
there'd be a whole army
out there tracking him down
like an animal.
-No, they wouldn't.
We wouldn't let them.
-Honey, he's from another age.
Another eon.
-Like me.
[KNOCKING]
-Come in.
-Hi.
It's me, Eegah.
Say, my hands are full.
Can you grab something for me?
-Hello, Mr. Miller.
-Ew!
-Wow-de-wow-wow.
-Ugh.
-Oh, I can feel his eyes on me.
-You sure look swell, Roxy.
-Thank you.
-Looks like Stockard Channing.
-I'll only be a minute.
-Is something wrong, Mr. Miller?
-Sit down, pieface.
It's a long list.
-We're just talking about
our little adventure.
-Oh, I see.
-You do?
-Well, sure.
A girl like Roxy don't get over
a thing like that right away.
-Doesn't.
-That's what I say.
-I'm gonna puke.
-She's gotta get
her mind off it.
And this hop tonight will help.
-Hop?
-Yeah.
My combo's going to be
there, and they swing.
-I'd like to meet your combo.
-I'm ready.
-Wowee wow wow-- oh.
-Let's split, then.
-Uh, sir, uh, why do you have
an oven in your living room?
-Uh, Mr. Miller, I got
my dad's wheels tonight.
-Really?
Do they fit on your car?
-[FORCED_LAUGHTER]
-You're funny, Mr. Miller.
Real funny.
-I'm going to kill you last.
-Grr.
-Sure, whatever.
Let's go.
-[SHATTERING]
-There's not even
any glass there.
-Eegah.
-Wow.
This place is a piece of cake.
-Oh.
-Eegah.
-Where's their collection
of dead people?
-Eegah.
-Man, these people
live like pigs.
-Hey, check it out.
There's an oven in
the living room.
-Paneling go long way.
-Looks like Gregg Toland
photographed this.
-Oh, that smell again?
Oh, yeah.
-I missed them.
I'll leave a note.
-Um, I'm in here!
-[ROARING]
-Wow, he's really gotta go.
-[GROWLING]
-Uh, how do these work again?
Twist or pull or p-push?
-[GROWLING]
-Here's Johnny!
Hey.
-Oh, it's a US Homes home.
-[SCREAMING]
-What, are there
50 women in there?
[MUFFLED VOICES]
-Hey, it's an all meat buffet.
-Yep, that's right.
No decorations.
No plush seating.
Just meat and meat setups.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Sir, the horseradish
is on the side.
-[SCREAMING]
-Whoa, who?
-Whoa, look at that!
-Let's get out of here!
[CHATTERING]
-Boy, let me tell you.
-Call the police!
-Ray Bolger?
No!
-[BELCHING]
-Ooh, seconds.
-Hey, wait a minute, friend!
What is this, a masquerade?
-That is Miller's
giant, darling.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Yes it is.
-Aw, come on.
You can talk plainer than that.
-I'm sorry, sir.
Take that outside.
-He's real.
-What did he say?
-He's real.
-Of course he-- he's real?
-[SCREAMING]
-Hey, no horseplay on deck!
-Quick, call the police.
There's a giant here.
-Take one caveman, a
buffet, and a swimming pool,
and you've got caveman-a-go-go!
-Hey, the lifeguard
saw you, you know.
-[LAUGHING]
-Adlai Stevenson!
-[HUMMING]
-Large man or giant
creating disturbance.
Proceed with extreme caution.
-I have no idea why
I started the car.
-The dumb blue line.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-So, uh, when does that combo
that really swings show up?
-Ready, steady, bite me!
-Excuse me.
Thanks.
-I just wanted some
fresh air, that's all.
-Is it, honey?
-Fresh, I mean.
-I'll go to the papers, daddy.
-No.
Dad, I've got the
funniest feeling.
-Downstairs.
-What is it?
-You know, stuff.
-I can't describe it.
But I just know something's
happened to him.
-Him?
-Eegah.
-Who's Eegah?
-The giant.
-Oh, yeah.
-Or whatever he is.
Something's happened to him.
-Roxy, look at me.
I love you very much.
-I wish I could
return the sentiment.
-Every living thing was
her personal concern,
and she worried about them.
-I gotta go tan now.
-That's just it, dad.
But you see, worry isn't
the feeling that I have.
-It's more nausea.
-I don't know what it is.
He's a creature.
Why, you just have to
look at him to see that.
He even tried to kill us.
-But basically, he's a good egg.
-But just--
-You can't get him
out of your mind.
-Bonk!
-Is this is "The Third
Man" all of a sudden?
-Oh, Eegah's a mall walker.
-[GRUMBLING] Oh, that's cheap.
But I gotta go now.
-You can always go back for it.
-That's my job for
about two more years.
If I can hold onto
you that long.
Then it'll be up
to somebody else.
-Hey, Richard Speck is there.
-Maybe him, huh?
-No!
-Hey.
Where you been?
I was belting out a tune
just for you in there.
I look up, and you're gone.
-We could hear every word, Tom.
I said hear, not understand.
[SIRENS]
-You're funny, Mr. Miller.
Really funny.
-I'm being sarcastic.
-Come on, Roxy.
Let's dance.
-Wait a minute.
-What's the matter?
-I thought I heard sirens.
-Aw, that's Dino's sax.
It leaks.
-It looks like "The Grifters"
meets "Quest for Fire."
-[SCREAMING]
-Snoop Sisters.
Me hate 'em.
Mildred Natwick.
Bah.
-And hate George Gobel.
Ugh.
-Don't.
-Oh, boy, that was close.
-Hey, it's Wilma
Flintstone's mom.
-Let's sneak
another peek, Ethel.
-Hello, Mr. Giant?
Sir, with the stick upstairs.
Hel-hello?
Hello?
-Oh, crap.
My room's always
by the ice machine.
Ugh.
[SIRENS]
-I'm sorry, Gary.
I had the wrong page of
the Hudson Street Map.
-Hey, generic cops!
[SIRENS]
-They're cheaper than
the regular cops.
[BARKING]
-Hm?
Oh, the sheriff's
barking out orders.
-Charlie!
Look out!
-You two are on your own.
-Bunny slippers?
-[SCREAMING]
-Oh, don't do that!
-Abner, I saw a giant!
-Don't shoot, Charlie.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Huh.
I guess she's working
through her grief.
-(SINGING) Looky, looky,
looky, look at my thorax.
Looky, looky, looky,
look at my thorax.
Looky, looky, looky,
look at my torso.
-Tequila.
-He walked out on his own song.
-Tequila.
-This band has more personnel
changes than Menudo.
-It's a tag team band.
-Tequila.
Oops.
-If I didn't know
they were dancing,
I'd swear this was a fight.
-What?
-I say, it looks like a fight.
-My boy is a good dancer.
-I'm bogarting
that joint, Floyd.
-Where'd my date go?
Oh, there you are.
-(SINGING) My torso.
-Well, shall we?
-You asking?
-Come on, you clown.
-I'm with you, bud.
-(SINGING) Together
forever and ever with--
-Wait a minute.
Something's wrong here.
Where's my girlfriend?
-Tequila.
-Tequila.
-Can I have my
date back, please?
Thank you.
-[GRUNTING] Not as
strong as I used to be.
-Tequila.
-I'm gonna get you!
-Hey, how come I
don't get Foley?
-Knock it off!
She's my girl!
-I'm gonna smash--
-You!
-Hi, everybody.
-The Hat Squad.
-Party crashers!
[SHOUTS]
-Well, invitation didn't
say where or when, actually.
I didn't get one.
Hope it's OK I crashed.
-Eegah!
Eegah!
-Ooh, it's looking like
Altamata all over again.
-No!
Don't!
-Don't drink the last beer!
[SHOUTS]
-No!
No!
-[GRUNT]
-No!
-Just push him in the pool.
He's probably got
tubes in his ears.
-Man, she gets picked up so
much she should have a handle.
-[SCREAMING]
-There he is!
-Halt!
Halt or I'll fire!
-The guy looks like a toy.
-[LAUGHING]
-[GUNSHOTS]
-No!
Don't shoot!
He doesn't understand!
-Oops.
Too late.
-Roxy!
-[ROAR]
-At your Lincoln Mercury dealer.
-[CRYING]
-We're all out of Chex Mix!
-Bummer.
[GUNSHOTS]
-That's a strange
thing to wield.
[GUNSHOTS]
-Hey, mom!
Watch me, mom! [MIMICS
BUBBLING] Watch me!
-Yeah, we're going to
need a really big skimmer.
-Oopsie daisy.
-Ugh!
-He's an evil specter.
-So, how about that drink?
-Mood's gone, Floyd.
-Poor devil.
-He tampered in God's domain.
-Boy.
Ironic.
Bastard never saw an
in ground pool before.
-Remember, I love you.
-Who said that?
-Where'd he come from?
-Is he real?
-Who is he?
-His tail.
-Yes, he was real.
-What's that?
-It says so in the
Book of Genesis.
-By Phil Collins?
-There were giants in
the earth in those days.
Chapter 4, verse 32.
-Oh, that's totally
out of context.
-Hm.
-Oh.
-Ugh.
Ick.
-[COUGHING]
-Oh, gee.
-Oh, I feel sticky and dirty.
-Oh, Joel, I feel filthy.
My very soul is
defiled by this movie.
-That's OK, guys.
We'll get you all
cleaned up, OK?
-OK.
I gotta go.
Help, Joel.
[CHATTERING]
-Oh!
-[CRYING]
-Hurry up, Joel!
Turn the water on!
I gotta wash Eegah off me!
I'm naked and afraid.
Hey, don't look!
-Joel, Joel, Joel, I can feel
that slimy movie all over me.
Ugh, it's like wearing
an Orlon sweater
soaked in cod liver oil.
[SPUTTERING] Say,
would you be a dear
and turn the shower massage
head on pulsate for me?
-Got it.
Yeah.
-Thank you.
[CRYING AND SPUTTERING]
-Hey, uh, pass me a
Fels Naptha, would you?
-OK, got it.
Here it comes.
-Thanks.
Hey!
There's a hair on this.
-Um, we don't have hair.
-[CRYING_AND_SPUTTERING]
-Anyway, you guys, we could
just, uh, get nice and clean,
and I'll read this nice letter,
and, uh, that'll be nice, OK?
-OK.
-OK.
-And this comes from Lynn
[INAUDIBLE] and Nancy Payton.
Let's put that on still store,
and the picture on still store.
And it says, "Dear
Joel and the bots,
this missive is
winging its way to you
from two of your
very devoted fans.
We recently watched "The
Day the Earth Froze,"
where the search for a Sampo
was pivotal to the movie.
You expressed a desire
to know what a Sampo was,
so we felt obliged to send
photos of an actual Sampo.
See enclosed."
OK.
And, uh, there's the picture
with us right on the Sampo.
And that comes from Lynn
[INAUDIBLE] and Nancy Payton.
-Oh, boy.
I feel like a new man.
I washed that movie
right off of me.
-It's amazing what a little
soap and water can do.
-OK, what do you think, sir?
-Oh, not now, Joel.
Daddy forgot Frank's regularly
scheduled maintenance.
All the coolant leaked out.
Seized right up.
Just got the thing
paid for, too.
-Say, do you think maybe I could
possibly get my blood back,
please?
-Oh, you want your blood back?
Fine, baby, baby, baby.
I'll put your blood back in.
I'll put it right back in.
Come on!
Come on, Frank!
-No, no, no!
You know what?
I don't-- I don't
even want it anymore.
You take it.
-Yeah?
-You take it.
-Yeah, no, no.
I insist.
-No, you take it.
-Have your precious blood.
Here, baby!
-You-- you take it, you
big stupidy bully blood!
You take it!
You know what?
I'm gonna push the button.
-Oh, you're gonna
push the button?
[ARGUING]
-I'm pushing it.
-OK, push it, then.
I dare you.
You need your mommy?
-I'm pushing the button.
-Oh.
[THEME MUSIC]
-Fake it.
-That's what I've been doing.
Now I'm getting sick.
distant future, next Sunday,
A.D., there was
a guy named Joel,
not too different
from you or me.
He worked at Gizmonic
Institute, just another face
in a red jumpsuit.
He did a good job
cleaning up the place,
but his bosses didn't like him,
so they shot him into space.
We'll send him cheesy movies,
the worst we can find.
La-la-la.
He'll have to sit
and watch them all,
and we'll monitor his mind.
La-la-la.
Now keep in mind Joel can't
control when the movies begin
or end, because he used those
special parts to make his robot
friends.
Robot roll call.
Cambot!
Pan left.
Gypsy!
Hi, girl.
Tom Servo.
What a cool guy?
Crow!
He's a wisecracker.
If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes
and other science facts.
La-la-la.
Then repeat to yourself,
"It's just a show.
I should really just relax for
Mystery Science Theater 3000."
-Well, Crow, you're
not quite zero Kelvin,
but still, it's going to be
pretty cold in there, huh?
-Aw, this is nothing!
Give me the deep freeze, Tom.
-All right!
Woo!
-Hey, hi, Tom.
Hi, Crow.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to the
Satellite of Love.
I'm Joel Ro-- hey,
wait a minute.
What's with the Crow in the box?
-Oh, we're bringing
his temperature
down to absolute zero.
Seems like it might
be kind of fun.
-Wait a minute,
you can't do that!
If you go to absolute
zero, there'll
be no molecular motion.
It'll start a chain
reaction and kill us all.
-Yeah, that's kind of how it
played out in our scenario,
too.
Well, wait a minute.
That's kind of stupid, isn't it?
-Yeah, it's stupid.
We've gotta get
him out of there.
-Oh, good one, Joel.
-Oops.
Uh, we'll be right back.
-I'm not putting him
back together, either.
-I'm shattered!
-OK, there you go.
Good as new.
-Sure, if you ignore the
massive structural damage
and my complete lack
of any re-resale value.
-Yeah, I was ignoring that.
-Oh.
-(SLURRING) Oh, hi.
Say, would you guys
hurry up with that glue?
It's really starting
to affect me.
-Yeah, OK.
[INAUDIBLE] and
Sloppy are calling.
Ah!
-Oh.
Joel.
I was just--
-Doctor?
Have you seen my long underwear?
I'm late for my
ice dancing lesson.
-No, I haven't seen your
long underwear, Frank.
And to be perfectly
honest, I wouldn't
wear your long
underwear even-- oh.
Joel.
Invention exchange.
Um, I've got a nutty idea.
But, uh, be a dear and go first?
Uh, I need a couple of minutes.
-Sure, if you're not
ready to go, we'll go.
No problem.
Geez.
Anyway, my good
friend Crow locked up
the deal to do the music for
the "Beverly Hillbillies" movie.
-Yeah!
Well, we're hammering
out a deal memo.
-And it led to an
amazing discovery.
-Right.
Now, remember "The
Beverly Hillbillies"
was part of the Paul
Henning Hooterville trilogy?
-Right.
That was "The Beverly
Hillbillies," "Green Acres,"
and "Petticoat Junction."
-Right right right.
Now, they all had this
really cool incidental music.
-Yeah.
It was music that
went [HUMMING].
-No no no.
If I may, Joel, it was
more like-- [HUMMING].
-The point is, I didn't
know how to make that
music until we came up with--
-The porkarina!
Now, don't worry,
all you pig lovers.
We didn't use a real pig.
-We didn't?
-No, we just reinvented
the instrument
that made the original
incidental music.
The original was lost in
the tragic Universal fire.
Here comes Mr. Haney, pulling
another hilarious flim-flam!
[OINKING MUSIC]
-Well, Mr. Douglas, that
there is a genuine dirtbirger.
-That's not a dirtbirger.
[OINKING MUSIC]
-And there's the
efficient Miss Hathaway!
[OINKING MUSIC]
-Oh, Jethro!
[OINKING MUSIC]
-And there's Uncle Joe.
He's moving kinda slow.
-At the Junction.
[OINKING MUSIC]
-Well, pretty hot.
Kinda tired.
Was gonna go fishing,
but it's too damn hot.
[OINKING MUSIC]
-Better sit down
for a little while.
Yep, yep.
When's that government
check coming in?
Pretty hot.
Kinda bloated.
[OINKING MUSIC]
-Gonna die soon.
[OINKING MUSIC]
-You're up, sirs.
-Joel.
The human body.
Unattractive?
Sure.
Even worse, it's inefficient.
Especially Frank's human body.
-I'm late for my
ice dancing lesson.
-That's why I've
drained Frank's blood.
-You what?
You can't do that!
-Don't worry.
I replaced it.
With propylene glycol.
Radiator fluid.
I even surgically
implanted a radiator,
so Frank won't
overheat this summer
and won't freeze
up in the winter.
And you act like I'm the jerk!
-I'm so cold.
-Granted, uh, Frank's
new system does
need to be flushed nightly.
But once you get the hang of
it, it's not quite as tricky
as it seems, and can even be
done on an outpatient basis.
-[EXHALE]
-Well, wait a minute.
Why don't you just leave
Frank with his own blood?
That way he could wear a
jacket and scarf and stuff.
-And since Frank's blood was
a previously unknown type,
the money that that
brings in should-- why?
Because it's
science, that's why!
Frank, here.
Why don't you run on
to your lesson now?
Come on.
Go ahead.
Scoot.
Scoot.
Joel, speaking of
unattractive human bodies,
your movie this
week, "Eegah," has
got Richard Kiel
and not much else.
Look, Frank signed
all the forms.
It's an improvement.
He even likes it.
Why, he's probably
out there right now
skating his little heart out.
"Eegah."
Oh, God.
-Ready?
Holiday for pigs.
[OINKING MUSIC]
[MOVIE SIGN BUZZER]
-Augh, we got movie sign!
-I'm Charles Kuralt,
and we're going
to leave you with
this shot of a flower.
-"Cactus Flower,"
with Goldie Hawn.
-Huh?
-Huh?
-Hey, it's Scattergories!
-Ugh, look.
The sign is leaking.
-Ick.
-[INAUDIBLE].
-Oh, that was Art Clokey's
first study of Gumby there.
-Oh, Eegah.
-Yes, you too can
learn how to play
the guitar in two easy lessons.
-Oh, I'm a Eegah-fied man.
-Oh, this must be that
grunge look from Seattle.
It-- it's from
Seattle, I've heard.
-Mm-hmm.
-Is that a real poncho
or a Sears poncho?
-Richard Kiel is Eegah
Templar, the saint.
-Um, focus.
Uh, focus this, please.
H-hello?
With the smokers over-- over--
-[COUGHING]
-[GROANING]
-Harriet, the cattle
are smoking again.
-I'm dead.
Don't smoke.
-Oh, Eegah.
Oh--
-Wait a minute.
They've got demons
flipping us off here.
Hey, back at you, Clyde.
-Otis Nixon!
-He looks like a
thin William Hickey.
-Shaking the bush, boss.
-[SIGH] Well, actually, it
seems to be exhibiting a sort
of ineluctable defenestration
character [GIBBERISH].
-Poppies will make us sleep.
-[HUMMING] Baby.
-Welcome to the crypt!
We've dug something up for you!
Why not stick around
and watch "Dream On"?
It's the breast show on
TV! [CACKLING] Kill me.
-Stop it.
-Boy, this looks like it's
really going to be scary,
what with the smoke and
flowers and everything.
-And framing effects.
-Circle Pines after dark.
-It's Frederick's of Maplewood.
-The Loretta Young Show!
[HUMMING]
-I'm young and free
and feeling fresh!
-Taxi!
Oh, I drove.
-Now, I forget.
Can I drive a stick?
Oh.
-It's the flying Saab!
-I think it's a bug eyed sprite.
-Oh, and so is she.
[HONKING]
-Honk if you love Eegah!
-Hi, Roxy!
-Sorry about my face.
-Thought I was supposed to
meet you up at the club.
-Well, you still are.
I just bought myself a
new swimming suit tonight.
-Can I wear it?
-Oh?
-Yes.
See?
-Ew!
-That?
-Sex appeal!
-I get off work in 10 minutes.
-Follow me out, then.
-Follow you?
-Sex appeal.
-Listen, I can change clothes
and beat you out there.
-[LAUGHING]
-Again, sorry about the face!
-That's my girl.
Her father's Robert I. Miller.
-Yeah, just pump
my gas, butthead.
-I saw this venture boat.
You oughta see her swim.
-Hey!
-You're putting
that in the wayback!
My kids are back there!
-I don't know why, but I
wish he'd pistol whip him.
-Gee, I sure am sorry, sir.
-But I'm sort of an idiot.
-Guess I was thinking about
having dinner with my girl.
She lives up at the club.
-Yeah, with Robert I. Miller.
-(SINGING) 77 Sunset Strip.
-(SINGING) How will you
make it on your own?
-[HONKING] I've got a
new swimsuit, everybody!
-Oh no!
She's chasing down Emmett Kelly!
-Suddenly, she began to
doubt the whole bathing suit
purchase.
-Eegah!
-[SCREAMING]
-Whoa.
-My fault.
Sorry.
All my fault.
-I'm with Allstate.
Who are you with?
-[SPEAKING_GERMAN]
-[GROANING]
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Which way to bly workshop?
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-[CLEARS_THROAT]
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-You know, I heard Kiel
ad-libbed this entire scene.
-Hey, funny.
I was driving a
stick, too. [LAUGHING]
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Ugh, damn foreign cars.
-Well, there's something
you don't see every day.
-It's the hose clamp.
Uh, you'll want to
get that checked
when you get back to town.
-[GRUNT]
-Oh, forget it.
I'm going back to
sleep. [SNORING]
-Uh, found this in your grill.
Probably what was
causing all the trouble.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-So, uh, you had a root beer
and a side of fries with that?
-Mm, nah.
Eegah can't go with that.
Not much leg room.
Huh-uh.
-Say, could you give me a lift
to Stephen J. Gould's house?
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN].
-Jim Morrison, the Paris years.
-Oh, he's doing Tai Chi on her.
[HONKING]
-[YELLS]
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-[SCREAMING]
-I'm still making payments!
-Busted!
-Saved by the Vette.
-Hey, Eegah!
How you doing, buddy?
-[SCREAMING]
-Roxy!
It's me, Tom!
-That's why I'm
screaming! [SCREAM]
-Oh, Tommy!
-What's the matter?
What happened?
-There was a Poco
song on the radio.
-Oh, is he gone?
-Who?
-Is he?
-Disney?
-Huh?
-I don't see anybody.
Just take it easy and
tell me what happened.
-Uh, is she really
going out with him?
-I did!
Honest, I saw a giant!
-Ooh, that face.
I feel handsome in comparison.
-You know, the nice
thing about this car
is that she can fold it up
and put it in her purse.
-It's a compact.
-Yeah.
-Crate and Barrel?
-Hey?
-No, it was right in
the middle of the road.
Not a half a mile from here.
-William Faulkner!
-He doesn't believe me.
-You didn't really expect
anyone to, did you, Miss Miller?
-Why not?
It's the truth.
-Ooh, good comeback.
-Honey, a, uh,
prehistoric monster
is a rather large
order to swallow.
-Dad, I didn't say
he was a monster.
He was a giant.
-It's a big difference.
-You know, a caveman.
Club and all, eh?
-Yes.
-What my daughter saw, she saw.
Now let's just
let it go at that.
-Could you just take
our order, please?
-Well, if you see
your giant again,
let me know in time
to take some pictures?
-Come to Eegah Retirement
Village, for the good life.
-Town caves and slag heaps
starting at $100,000.
-Couldn't you have
imagined the whole thing?
-No.
-Now, let's be
realistic about this.
You said yourself
that you fainted.
Isn't it possible that you
dreamed this whole idea?
-No, Dad.
I didn't.
There was a giant.
-Oh, she's got a neat shape.
-Now, I don't want
to call this story
of yours a lot of foolishness,
and I haven't so far, have I?
-No.
-But if there were a giant, if
anyone at all had been here--
-Mr. Miller!
Come here!
-My neck snapped!
-What did you find?
-I don't know.
It sure looks like
a footprint, though.
-Let me see.
-It's dirt!
-Yes, look.
There's the heel,
and there's the toes.
-That's an ant
colony, you idiot!
-Look at the size of him.
-Glen was 50 feet tall.
-It must have been made by a--
-Say it.
-A giant.
-What did I tell you?
-Hooray, I won!
-And that's for finding it.
-I'll find the big boy himself
for you, if you feel like that.
-He left the road right here.
-Watch out for snakes.
-Who said that?
-Uh, let's not forget
where we parked Super Car.
-Better go back to the car.
-No!
He's my giant.
-Holy cow, he was standing
right here watching us.
-Playing bass.
-Then he turned
and took off for--
-There?
-Shadow Mountain.
Do you suppose that's
where he lives?
-(SINGING) Oh, to live
on Shadow Mountain.
-That would account for his
never having been seen before.
-It's too bad we didn't
bring the dune buggy.
We could go after him.
-What for?
-Well, to get some pictures.
Maybe even to bring him back.
A lot of people aren't going
to believe this giant jazz.
-No.
We're not to say anything
about this, you understand?
-Why not?
After the way everyone
laughed at me.
-Your turn will come.
-He's got third degree burns!
-Third degree sideburns.
-Are you gonna write a book
about giant, Mr. Miller?
-That's the idea, Tommy.
-I'll take you up there.
My dune buggy's all ready to go.
-No thanks.
-It is!
I just gave it the works!
-There's no offense, son.
-Dammit, son.
-But I'd like to take
this trip in something
a little bit safer.
-More stylish.
-(CRYING) He resents
my dune buggy!
-Watch out for snakes.
-Whirlybirds!
-Blue Thunder! !
-MASH!
-Apocalypse Now!
-Dispatches!
-Because, you see,
it's a helicopter.
-[LAUGHS] And all
of those elements.
-It looks like I got
a flat tire here.
-I'll see you in about
two days at the most.
-Oh, please take
care of yourself.
-Now, my credit cards
are in the desk drawer.
You make sure you
leave them there.
-Dad's fun.
-This thing's supposed to
be safer than my dune buggy?
-Oh, shut up about your dune
buggy, you little twerp.
-I like them.
Yeah.
-Uh, got my shoe trees in here.
-Ouch!
My hand!
[SCREAMING AND CHOPPING NOISES]
-Richard Nixon leaving
the White House.
[HUMMING_THE_"MASH"_THEME]
-I thought we promised
never to do that again.
-Oh, sorry.
-Oh.
I had my fingers crossed.
-Look at those legs.
-Boy, they're really
hitting it off.
-Hey, Skipper, look at
this thing on my leg here.
It's like a mole, but
it keeps flaking off.
See that?
-I want that!
-Now, there should be
a Ram Charger up there.
-Oh, for a shoulder
mounted anti-aircraft gun.
-Oh, you mean a stinger.
-Whatever.
-Commute to work or play in
your own personal helicopter.
Miracle Acrylic Bubble
makes it possible.
-Eegah drives a tank?
-Well, uh, I don't really
know what to say, Roy.
Look, this isn't
good bye, really.
There are other
helicopter rides.
-So, you got everything?
-(SPANISH ACCENT) Surprise.
I am Jose Greco.
-Now, don't you forget.
I want you to meet me at the
mouth of Deep Canyon tomorrow
at 4:00.
-(LAUGHING) Sure.
4:00.
Whatever.
-Sure hope it doesn't get hot.
-Jeez, that helicopter
took off fast.
Where'd he go?
-Hey, to the left.
That-- yeah.
Yeah.
There.
-Hey, that's my daughter!
-See, those are
his contact lenses.
He's quite
nearsighted, actually.
-Meet him at Deep Mouth
Canyon tomorrow at 4:00.
What the hell was I thinking?
Jeez.
-Oh, yeah.
You can tell he's an
experienced mountaineer.
-The hell?
Is that a Bell Huey?
Whoa, flashbacks kicking in.
Danang.
-[GRUNT]
-Ugh!
Better tell others!
Oh, wait, there are no others.
-[GRUNT]
-The Old Indiana
Jones Chronicles.
-Watch out for snakes!
-It's Lawrence of Pasadena.
-Oh, man, look.
He's wearing corrective
shoes with black socks.
-He's wearing
corrective everything.
-Oh, this is a Kodak moment.
-OK, say embers.
[DRUMS]
-(SINGING) They took the
whole Cherokee nation.
-This is going to prove a lot
to the Royal Geographic Society.
-Howard Hughes?
-Victim of his
own fashion sense.
-No!
-No means no, Eegah.
-No, no!
No!
No!
-It's under a big W. [GROAN]
-Eee!
-What?
-Oh, it's a Tampax commercial.
-[SINGING]
-Augh!
-You know, maybe you should move
those amps away from the pool.
-He's surrounded by
adoring housewives.
-G7, D Major, D-- uh, G.
-[INAUDIBLE]!
-(SINGING) Vicky.
-What?
-(SINGING) Oh, Vicky.
-What?
Shut up.
You're embarrassing me.
-Uh, would the gentleman
by the side of the pool
please discontinue the song?
Um, but watch out for snakes.
-Johnny Winter and--
-Look, Mom!
Watch me!
-Man, it looks like
it hurts to be him.
-Whoa, I bet people
in those rooms
are calling the
management right now.
-No, that comes right
from the sewage system!
-I'm so naughty.
I'm such a little brat, mm-hmm.
-Like a Cabbage Patch Elvis.
[HUMMING_"JAWS"_THEME]
-Oh, there you are.
-Ooh, did you enjoy
my frolicking?
I'm naughty, you know.
-I'm just going to drink you in.
So naughty.
-[BARKING]
-Ow!
-Oh, gosh, I'm sorry, pal.
I've been so distracted.
I just keep thinking
about that slick gas
station in today's movie.
Did you notice how sleek
and beautiful it was?
-Uh, gee, no, Joel,
I can't say as I did.
Cuckoo.
Cuckoo.
-Hey, come on.
I'm serious.
There existed a time when
our nation took pride
in its service stations.
They gleamed like a beacon
of hope from coast to coast.
Then, one day, kablooey.
You know, Sky
Chief Super Service
turned into the Tank and Tummy.
I don't mind telling you guys,
the day this country went
self service was the
day that hell began
to bubble up and
flood the earth.
-You know, I hate to
burst your bubble, Joel,
but, uh, what about
the bubonic plague?
World War?
Stalin?
-Oh, come on.
Those are all big things.
You know, hell it works better
when it's a lot more subtle.
Here.
I'll give you an example.
OK, Crow, uh, what do you
think of Adolf Hitler?
-Well, I hate him, naturally.
-Right.
Now, uh, what do you
think of the band Styx?
-Well, you know, they had one
or two decent-- oh my god,
you're right!
-I get it now, Joel!
Now, I'm not certain
when hell started for me,
but I think it has something
to do with Christopher Cross.
-Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, remember the time
that Charlie Weaver died
and it wasn't even
in the papers?
-Yeah.
-Or when they 86ed jarts.
-I think the first time
Flo said "kiss my grits,"
something inside all of
us withered and died.
-Using Joe Camel to
sell cigarettes to kids
seems like a pretty
ripe slice of hell.
-Yeah, I agree with that.
And then there was the
time Denis Leary released
"No Cure for
Cancer" as an album.
And then the time Vicki Lawrence
won a Grammy for "The Night
the Lights Went Out in Georgia."
-I know I stand alone
on this, but the day
"Blansky's Beauties"
got canceled.
-Yeah, you stand alone on that.
-Yeah, pretty much.
-Sinbad's pretty icky.
-Yeah.
What about the Charlene
Tilton workout video?
-Joel, what chance do
we have in a world that
keeps presenting us with
vivid images of hell?
-Well, there's personal
liberty, strength of conviction.
Those have been known to work.
Then there's the time the
country rallies together
to beat back hell,
like the time we
as a nation said no
to Yahoo Serious.
-I remember that.
All of us together,
drawn inexplicably
to the slobbering mouth of hell.
And then suddenly, somehow,
by some unknown force,
rescued in the nick of time
like Moses and the Israelites.
-Now, who in creation is
powerful enough to do that?
-Gee, Davey, do you
think it was God?
-We'll be right back.
-Ow.
-Ooh, look.
She's dressed for a
Benny Hill audition.
-Harry Connick, Jr.?
-Hello.
-[GRUNTING] Eegah. [GRUNTING]
-Yes?
-[GRUNTING]
-Dad will understand.
-Eew!
-It's one of those things.
-Jonny Quest.
-[GRUNTING]
-Just a minute, please.
-What?
-Do you know where
Deep Canyon is?
-[NERVOUS_LAUGHTER]
-Are you sure?
-Sure I'm sure.
I've been there lots of times.
Why?
-Don't worry, Mr. Kreuger.
I'll take care of it.
-Can I have some money
for some Chuckles?
-Yes.
Thanks for calling.
Good bye.
-What's up?
-That was Mr. Krueger
from the airport.
The helicopter blew a
gasket or something.
He won't be able to pick Dad up.
-I pledge allegiance.
-Yes.
-To your dad.
-No problem.
We'll get the dune buggy and
we'll whiz right out there.
-I got it.
He looks like the bat
from "Fern Gully."
-Oh.
-Rat Patrol, in
three or four colors.
-This is whizzing?
-Wait til we get
off the highway.
-Joel, do you ever
whiz out in the desert?
-[NERVOUS_LAUGH]
-Hey, it's Schlop Car.
-Hang onto your garter belt.
-But there's no road here.
-This is what the
buggy was made for.
-It's swell for tearing
up fragile ecosystems!
Watch!
-Looks like Sheltering
Sky meets the Archies.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-On their way to Thunderdome.
-(SINGING) Welcome
to the jungle!
-Ooh, I gotta go!
Ooh.
-We sure bounce.
-My tires are filled with water.
-To keep them cool?
-No, for weight!
Gives me traction in the sand.
Watch this.
-Huh.
-Oh yeah.
That really is something.
Would you just drive, please?
-[SCREAMING_AND_LAUGHING]
-I think she's in pain.
-Put a wallet under her tongue.
-[LAUGHING]
-[VOMITING_NOISES]
-Dad can wait!
This is a blast!
-Whee!
Whee!
-Stop that!
Don't do that!
-Whee!
-Ugh, are they carrying a pig?
-Come on, dad's waiting.
-Oh, forget dad.
We're young.
What about us?
-We have to talk about
our relationship.
-Whee!
-Stop saying whee!
Nobody says whee!
-Oh, this is a real Lucy and
Viv situation right here.
-Uh, we?
-You know, they
should throw some snow
under those tires--
it's a switcheroo!
-[INAUDIBLE].
-Fun's over.
We're gonna die now.
-Ah.
-[LAUGHING]
-I was afraid we were going
to have to neck for a minute.
-Hey, neat.
The music got us out of trouble.
-(SINGING) Got a groovy
thing going, baby.
-Hey, you know, if this
was a Mountain Dew ad,
wouldn't they be
waterskiing on rollerskates
being pulled by
horses off of cliffs?
-Whee.
-Welcome to Death Valley Days.
-There you are.
Deep Canyon.
-I don't see dad anyplace.
-OK, let's go.
[HUMMING]
-The endless bummer.
-It's past 4:30.
-See?
-I wonder whose hand that was.
-I don't know.
-To be with the human.
To live like the human.
-[HUMMING] Just making a place
to set your dad's body once we
find the remains.
-Hey, take it easy
on that water.
-Well, I don't want us to
dry out before dad gets here.
And don't you eat anymore.
-And don't touch
my soup starter.
It's gotta cook for a while.
-Do you think we'll
freeze to death
before the jackals get us?
-What do you suppose happened?
-He died.
-Oh, nothing happened.
He's not coming on
a bus, you know.
You can't can expect him
to be right on the dot.
-Don't make me think so much.
-I know, but he should
have made it before dark.
-Don't worry about it.
He'll see the campfire and come
walking in on us any minute
now.
-That's what you
said two hours ago.
-Well, he will.
-Well, if you
believe that, what's
the idea with the bed roll?
-Look, I carry all
this junk in the buggy
anyway, so you might as
well get some use out of it.
-I'm not sleepy.
-I'm petulant.
-When Edward Albee
dabbles in beach movies.
-Lie down.
Take a rest for a while.
I'll keep the fire going.
-I'll just break off a pound of
my hair at a time and burn it.
-Hey, what are you
doing with that?
-[MIMICS_GUNSHOT]
-I always carry a
gun in the desert.
There's coyotes around the camp.
-Put it away.
We're not playing cowboy.
-You know, there's mountain
lions around here, too.
-And elephants and stuff.
-Well, they won't
come near a fire.
I know that much.
And I'm not going to have you
take a shot at something that
turns out to be dad.
-OK, OK.
I'll put it away
on one condition.
That you crawl in
and get some rests.
-OK.
-I won't shoot your dad, OK?
Jeez.
-Uh, Roxy?
I'm gonna sing myself to sleep.
-He borrowed that top
from Audrey Hepburn.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Arch, no.
No, Arch.
No, please.
No.
Please.
-She's packed to move and can
be drop shipped to your home
overnight.
-Fortunately, he remembered
to bring the Isley Brothers.
-It's kind of like a Mitty
Silverton working there, huh?
-Went on to do music
for Sergio Leone.
-[WHISTLING]
-I'm Death, and I
have visited upon you.
-(SINGING) If I had
1,000 paintings.
-Well, you don't.
-(SINGING) In a marble gallery.
-This should keep
the wolves away.
-I'd be in the
Museum of Modern Art.
-[HUMMING] What
the hell was that?
-[SINGING]
-Hey, stop smiling.
He's smiling!
-That's nice.
Honey, where's your 12 gauge?
-[SINGING]
-I've heard enough.
I'll go beat him senseless.
-[SINGING]
-Shouldn't he be
moving his lips?
-No, I'm not gonna
kill him right away.
I'll let him linger.
-[SINGING]
-(SINGING) If I had
a billion dollars.
-They'd raise my taxes.
-He makes Debbie Boone
sound like Hound Dog Taylor.
-I figured out.
He's a cyst with teeth and hair.
-(SINGING) To give to--
-I demand you stop smiling.
-Now, is she Billie Jo,
Betty Jo, or Bobby Jo.
-Please!
Come on, Eegah!
Hurry up!
Where's that club?
-(CHANTING) Eegah, Eegah,
bonk bonk on the head.
-(SINGING) Archie's here.
-One way or the other.
What do you think?
-I don't know.
-I've never thought before.
-I'll climb up
there a ways and see
if the buggy can get through.
-Or a shovel.
Didn't ask to be in this movie.
-No, you better stay here.
-No!
-There's no reason
for both of us going.
We gotta come back
for the buggy anyway.
-Well then we'll come back.
I'm not going to sit
here doing nothing.
-Oh, women.
-Let's see.
What did I mean by that?
-You stay here with the buggy.
-Nope.
-And drive it up to meet me
when I give you the signal.
That'll save us both a trip.
Come on.
-I'm whining you!
Please!
-Well, OK.
-Aw, the gun.
Toss it.
-Now your lunch.
Toss it.
-Oh, I can see it coming.
A tragic accident.
Come on, come on-- aww.
-Damn.
-Give me a blast from that
horn if you see anything.
-Don't worry about that.
-Oh, you know, he's built
for child bearing, isn't he?
-Serpentine!
Serpentine!
-I see a cactus!
Honk!
I see a lizard!
Honk!
-Keep going, you sap!
Just over that ridge!
That's it!
I'm out of here.
-Stay alive!
Whatever may come,
I will find you!
-See?
I told you so.
Watch out for snakes.
-Come on, boy.
Just a little closer.
Mm, smooth, pink meat.
Wearing shorts, too.
Mm, nothing but
meat on that boy.
-[HUMMING] Oh, I do want
to look good for Eegah.
-Why am I losing my
hair in big chunks?
-[HUMMING] Oh, nice
steering wheel.
I don't know about all this.
It's sunny.
My dress is blue.
Oh, nice shovel. [HUMMING]
What about my nose hairs?
-You're here, and he's got
the traveler's checks there.
-Archie's in the Gaza Strip!
-This is my country!
-What was I looking for again?
Sky?
No, woman.
I should have wrote
that note to myself.
It's weird the way it's so blue.
Why are those buzzards circling?
Huh.
Neat.
-(SINGING) Born free!
-What-- what's that smell?
Is that me?
Oh.
No?
[HONK]
-Don't hit!
-Oh, he knows women, and she's
going to want that purse.
-Mm-hmm.
-Uh, this-- this is really
hard, finding the-- ow, caveman.
Owie.
-Oh, my girlish hips.
Ow.
-Huh?
-Roxy!
-Music!
-Roxy!
-And elsewhere!
-Oh, I let another one.
-Roxy!
Roxy, where are you?
-I'm being abducted!
-You know, Eegah should
have taken two trips.
First the purse and the
club, then the girl.
Would've been easier.
-Oh, boy.
I made good time.
-Oh no.
He's got people stacked
like cord wood in there!
-He is this close to
being Dom DeLuise.
-Well, I see you've met Eegah.
He'll spoil you.
I'm spent.
-Visit Cave of the
Mounds, Dodgeville.
-That's OK.
Don't help.
-[GROAN] Yep, yep.
This looks much better over
here by the lime deposit.
-Eegah, I woke up.
You weren't here.
I hate that.
-[HUMMING]
-Eegah, you said
you lived alone!
-[GRUNTING "HERE
COMES THE BRIDE"]
-There.
Play nice.
-Roxy.
You finally break up with
that weird faced kid?
-Roxy.
-[GRUNTING]
-I got it.
Don't worry.
-Roxy?
-Oopie.
-Roxy!
-Dad!
-Wow.
She can snap in and out of
consciousness, can't she?
-Oh, dad.
-Oh.
-Oh, are you hurt?
-No, I wear this thing
for effect, you doorknob.
-Here.
Let me help you.
-Ow!
That's OK.
-How did you get here?
-Well, we came looking
for you, and-- and we
were both so worried that
we didn't know what to do.
-No, no.
No.
No, no.
-No, just the check.
-No, no.
She is mine.
-(SINGING) The
doggone girl is mine.
-She's mine.
-He understands you.
-Oh, we've got a beautiful
friendship going.
-Is that irony, dad?
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-What's he saying?
Shimmy shimmy cocoa pop?
-Take it easy.
-Dad!
-Oh, no.
This guy went to the
Torgo School of Fondling.
-Me?
Scare him?
-Smile.
-Mm, smell Love's Baby Soft.
-Now you smell him, honey.
[SNIFFING]
-Scent of a Woman.
-He likes your perfume.
-Smell all you want.
-But take all you smell.
-What became of the others?
-What others?
-Keep smiling.
You didn't come out
here alone, did you?
-No.
-Tish, that's French.
-Tom's with me.
I mean, he's out
there someplace.
-Oh.
He's just curious.
Hold still.
-Aw, he's pawing me, daddy.
-That's OK, precious.
-Eegah like get caught in rain.
-It's real, see?
-Honey, I've been
telling him about you.
-(SINGING) How do you do, ooh?
-What's he doing?
-Looking for lice, I believe.
-Ugh.
-Ugh.
-Careful, honey.
Take it easy.
He won't hurt you.
-He hurt you!
-No, I did that myself
when I fell on the camera.
-What a great dad.
-Dad, I think you'd better
break this up before I scream!
-Tell him you're hungry.
-I'm not.
-Well, think of the alternative.
-That's it.
I'm leaving.
-I'm hungry.
-Because I thought
of the alternative.
-Yes.
Hungry.
-Uh, I have ramen noodles
and brown mustard.
That's it.
-Well, uh, go ahead.
Just tell me.
-Two words.
Uh, movie.
Uh, sounds like, uh-- uh, no.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Would you like to
see the titles again?
-I'll just have a salad.
-What are those?
-Those are his relatives.
-Well, they're really lame.
-I am William Burroughs.
-I am William Burroughs.
-I am William Burroughs.
-I'm Rose Kennedy.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-They're dead.
-Yes, apparently for some time.
-It's always so awkward
meeting the family.
-Vowels, Eegah!
We need vowels!
-I'll make the daiquiris.
-Come on, dad.
Let's make a run for it.
Here.
-That won't work.
The entrance is blocked.
-Oh, what are we going to do?
-I don't know.
-First of all, you
could quit leaning
on my broken collarbone.
-Oh, great.
Dinner's a Duraflame log.
-He's telling his
family all about you.
-He's actually a
pretty funny guy.
-He told them about
me last night.
-You should have been there.
We really got the giggles.
We cried.
-Think how lonely he must be.
-Yeah.
He should get into
league bowling.
-I know whatever he
is, he's a human being.
-[GRUNTING]
-Norman?
Who's the girl, Norman?
Who is she?
-It's Wilfrid Hyde-White.
-No, it's-- yes, yes, indeed.
A very nice girl.
[BABBLING] Yes, capital.
Yes, smashing.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Uh-huh.
Yes, uh, she's Catholic.
Mm-hmm.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-It's either German
or he's burping.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-My Three Skulls.
-[HUMMING]
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-What'll I do?
-It'll be all right.
Play it by ear.
Don't let him--
-So, you have
designs after my son?
-He's telling them he
has guests for dinner.
-Literally!
-How do you do?
-I'm really, really dead.
-And there's Red.
-Well.
That one looks like a
very important ancestor.
Shake hands with him, Roxy!
-Oh, Dad!
-I'm kidding, of course.
-Pleased to meet you.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Doesn't he know they're dead?
-He suspects.
-I think so.
He just can't make
himself accept it.
-I'm not having any trouble.
-Make his mouth move, sweetie.
L'll make the funny voice.
-Oh, that's fine.
-Oh, I know.
I know.
-Why not try two
hands on the club?
-OK, you guys.
I'm all set up in this
What was it for again?
-If you must know, Joel, we're
going to surgically alter
your face so you look
just like Arch Hall, Jr.
-Wait a minute.
Who's Arch Hall, Jr.?
-Oh, you know.
Arch Hall, Jr., the butt ugly
teen star in today's movie.
Now, this might hurt a bit.
-Oh, Dr. Gypsy,
patient needs gas.
-And how are we today?
Hmm?
Oh, what a nice,
big boy you are.
He's toast.
See you guys in post-op.
-[GROWLING]
-Yes, uh, let's get
cracking, Dr. Tom.
Once that gas wears
off, I don't know
how long those
restraints will hold.
-Don't give it another
thought, Dr. Crow.
By the time Joel comes to, he'll
have no recourse but to take up
a career as a wimpy
B-movie actor!
-[CACKLING]
-You know, Dr.,
I have a mad posh
to start with the Arch hair.
-Switching on Arch hair!
Ah, and it smells bad, too.
Now, quickly, Dr. Tom,
let's smush his face up
to look like a sunburned baby.
-Smushed sunburned baby Arch
Hall, Jr. face coming up.
-Ooh, looking good, Dr. Tom.
But he needs that inhuman
Play-Doh color skin.
But how?
-Don't fret, Dr. Crow.
The pigment's on its way.
Watch, Doctor.
-Haha, yes.
-Ah, the sleeper awakens!
Hurry, he's almost complete.
I'll give him the
Arch Hall nose,
and let's get the
hell out of here.
-But I don't wanna look
like Arch Hall, Jr.!
-Alas, Babylon.
Quick, Gypsy.
Hit him with the fixative!
It's almost--
-It is--
-Movie sign!
[MOVIE SIGN BUZZER]
-Oh my God!
Malpractice sign!
-Ugh.
Ow.
You know, that really hurt?
-Sorry.
-Wait, who am I?
What am I?
Why am I?
Who am I looking for?
-Welp, about that
time, old coyote
had a hankering for some grubs.
[LAUGHING]
-Aw, this old desert stinks.
I can't find one clean spot.
Mmm, I smell something
oily and pink!
-I can't eat any more of this.
-Fake it.
-That's what I've been doing.
Now I'm getting sick.
-And talking like Loretta Lynn.
-Eegah.
-Is that his name?
-It might be.
That's the word he
says most of the time.
Eegah.
-He also says the word
Rayon, which is weird.
-Oh, Dad, no.
-Uh, want aperitif?
-That's all I need now is a
good drink of sulfur water.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Ew.
I don't see how anybody could
drink that horrible stuff.
-Yeah, have you
tried Crystal Pepsi?
Some people will drink anything.
-Put lime in coconut.
Drink all up.
-I guess it can't hurt me.
-[MIMICS_FAST_FORWARD_SOUND]
It hurt me!
-Make it last as
long as you can.
He won't hurt you if
you're doing something.
-A prehistoric gentleman, huh?
Thank you.
-It's a sipping drink.
-Well, here's to you.
-Up yours.
-Thanks.
-Ugh.
-She's gonna get the
Eegah trots for sure.
-Make you strong?
You have to be strong to
drink it in the first place.
Can I get a beer back with this?
-No, no.
I'm still thirsty.
Thank you.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-That does it.
Ugh.
-Come on, soup good food!
-Sarah T., the portrait
of a teenage alcoholic.
-No, no no, honey.
I need some Renew.
My contacts are killing me.
-What is it?
-Believe it or not, Dad, I'm
going to look at his etchings.
-No!
-Ew!
-Ugh.
-This is nice.
No, no, no.
This is.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN].
-Oh, you like that one?
I don't even like to show it.
Yes, the--
-This cubist.
Heavy Braque influence.
-I see what you mean.
-Look.
There's a ripple on that rock.
-Apparently Eegah covered
the cave with muslin.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Oh, wait, wait.
This one really good.
See?
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-In time before born,
lived man sail sea.
-Dad?
-What is it?
-This guy's good.
-Look at this drawing.
It's me in my car.
-Oh, it is her.
This one.
It's me!
-That's what she thinks.
It's actually Sandra Dee.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Roxy!
Roxy!
-Hey, maybe you should move
around a little bit, Arch.
-If Eegah makes me drink any
more of this sulfur water,
I'll die.
-We've got to keep him busy.
-I know.
-Barkeep.
-And as a matter of fact.
Little bitter.
But it seems to have a certain
quality that's good for you.
I wouldn't be a bit surprised
if the sulfur in these walls
isn't what's kept these
giants alive all these years.
-You mean--
-You know, even in crisis,
these two are dull.
-Where have you
seen those before?
-A Keith Haring exhibit.
-In that cave in France.
-Exactly.
-Yes.
-Yes!
-Same style, same everything.
-Same Bat channel.
-Definitely prehistoric.
-No duh.
-Yes, I'd say that he and his
tribe have always been here.
-Are there others?
-No.
He's the last one?
-Then where will his
seed find purchase?
-How can you be sure?
-Take a good look at his family.
From the condition
of the shrouds,
I'd say the last one
died 50 or 100 years ago.
-How come this clown knows
more than Richard Leakey?
-How old does that make him?
-Oh, I wouldn't even guess.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-(SINGING) Eegah with
the laughing face.
-Today, ladies and gentlemen,
Eegah's 400 years young.
-Shh.
-He's been there since
the beginning of time,
and he's only drawn
three pictures?
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Here.
Uh, you take the couch.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Here it comes.
-Wait for it.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Oh, shtemlo.
Oh.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-This is the dark ritual
of primitive mating.
You'll get used to it.
-[GROANING]
-Crimetime After
Primetime is on.
Can we watch it?
-No.
-[YAWNING]
-Oh, we get it, Eegah.
We're just not tired.
-Uh, uh, "The Big Sleep."
No, "Six Pack."
Uh, "Long Day's Journey
Into--" oh, pass.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-I want to sleep with the woman.
Get it?
Do I have to put on my
Marvin Gay album, or what?
-I don't know, honey, he
didn't do this with me.
-What are they doing?
-They're telling secrets, honey.
-Oh.
-Oh, Ted, someone's watching!
-What?
Can I help you?
-Roxy?
Roxy!
-Band practice! [SPUTTER] Oh,
man, how long have I been oily?
-I think he's nesting.
-Oh, god.
He's sick.
-Oh, yuck.
He's grooming himself.
-Ew.
-How?
-[WHINING_NOISES]
-Well, back to another
day of whining.
-OK, get out hair oil.
-I feel like I'm getting
closer to (MUFFLED) nature.
Mm.
-Hey!
-Bingo.
-Basic H from Shaklee,
for all your liquid needs.
-[HUMMING]
-Well, day's getting away
from me. [CLEARS THROAT] Roxy!
Roxy!
Roxy!
-Watch out for snakes.
-(SINGING) Uh, good
morning, good morning.
We've talked the
whole night through.
-This movie isn't healthy
for children and other living
things.
-Roxy?
-Honey?
You're sleeping on
the commode, honey.
-Roxy?
-[GASP]
-Arch Hall, Jr.!
Get away!
-It's you, dad.
-Go see if the rock's in place.
He's gone.
Now's our chance.
-I'm up, dad.
Guy.
-They should take a knife
and cut through the canvas.
-It's there.
What are we going to do?
-They're in a saggy
cave that leaks.
-What can I do?
-Help me back.
I've gotta sit down.
No, no.
Don't touch it.
-It's mine.
-It's got to be tied up
or something, doesn't it?
-There's some aspirin
in my gear bag.
-I don't see it.
-He brought it here.
It must be around someplace.
-It's the red thing
that's not prehistoric.
-Why don't you ask
Uncle Dave over there?
-Keep looking.
He probably hid it somewhere.
-It's a cave.
How hard you have to look?
-Oh, here it is.
-It was over here
in his armoire.
-Hey, I got a crazy idea.
Let's rearrange his
family while he's away.
-The aspirin's in
that small pocket.
-Uh, dad, why did you
bring your bowling ball?
-[COUGHING]
-I'm sick.
-Give me two.
-Oh, no, no.
Keep them coming.
Come on.
Come on.
-The classic aspirin scene.
-Drink a lot of water.
It'll give you strength.
-And there's hardly
any rat in it.
-It won't knit bones, honey.
-It's got to be tied up
or something, doesn't it?
-No, it feels pretty good now.
-Liar.
-That's no way to
talk to your father.
-The trouble with
you is I spoiled you.
-You sure did.
-God, what have I--
-Hollywood Hot Tubs Three,
with Kelly Monteith.
-What can I do?
-Nothing.
I'll just sit here.
-How about if I
washed your face?
Or gave you a shave?
It'll make you feel better.
You've got all your junk here.
-I know it's weird,
but I'm into weird.
-OK.
-A shave it is.
-Sad, really.
-Say, isn't it about time Tom
got back to the gas station?
-Uh, he's on sabbatical.
-Oh.
-Patience, my ass.
I'm going to kill something.
-Is this some kind of a
weird biathlon or something?
-Roxy!
[WHINING AND COUGHING] Roxy!
Roxy!
-Ew, no.
-Joel, I'm going to
slap this movie so hard.
-Shave down.
-Ugh.
Ugh.
Ew.
-This is so sick.
-Oh, please become Sweeney Todd.
Please, please become the
demon barber of Fleet Street
right now.
-Have you seen "Andalusian Dog"?
-Oh, yeah.
-(SINGING) I have often
walked down the street before.
-Well, we're on a collision
course with wackiness!
-Roxy, Roxy, I got
swimming suit rash!
[WHINING]
-There goes one
stupid young man.
-[HUMMING]
-(SINGING) Red roses
for a blue lady.
-[HUMMING]
-(SINGING) Eegahchaka,
Eegah, Eegah, Eegahchaka.
-(SINGING) I can't
stop this feeling.
-Aww.
-Oh, it's just Eegah.
-Look, before he has a
chance to block the entrance,
I'll get his attention.
You run out.
-And leave you?
-Do as I tell you.
-Not this time, dad.
-Papa don't preach.
-You were lucky last night.
He's had time to
think about you.
-Ew!
-I'm not going to let you
get your head bashed in.
My father didn't
raise me that way.
-Nah-nah-nah.
-Hm?
-He's covered with foam again.
Continuity!
-[GRUNTING]
-Eegah, honey, father's
here for dinner.
[GUITAR STING]
-(SINGING) One, two,
party at the county jail.
-Honey, did you bring
home some milk and bread?
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-A poem by Henry Gibson.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-He brought me flowers.
-We've got to get his
mind on something else.
Make a production out of it.
Sing, hum, whistle.
Come on.
-[SINGING]
-Oh, jeez.
-Oh.
Oh.
Oh, I'm being punished for
something, I know I am.
What could I have done?
I didn't ask to see this movie!
-Uh, honey.
When's your dad moving out?
-[SINGING]
-Uh, kind of weird shaving
your dad, isn't it?
-[SINGING]
-Strauss?
-He's interested.
He almost forgot
to shut the door.
-Well, that doesn't say
much for my sex appeal.
-[GROAN]
-[SINGING]
-Stop singing.
Stop singing!
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-First blade lift hair,
second one cut clean.
-Aha.
-Now I suppose he wants a shave.
-Good.
Give it to him.
-Anything to please
the customers.
-Does anybody else
think this show is sick?
Just say Eegah.
-Eegah.
-Ugh.
-Just use some
spirit gum remover.
-Why don't you
just cut the string
that holds that beard on?
-Try these.
-They're toasted.
-Oh, we've got a
Flowbee in here, too.
-I know what let's do.
Let's feather it.
-[GRUNTS]
-Oh, baby.
Oh, yes.
You know what I like.
-Roxy, where are you?
-It's a giant gila monster!
-He's starting to
look like Markie Post.
-Roxy!
-Oh, he's calling all
the animals to help him.
-Hey, I got a message from Roxy.
She said to hang on.
-Oh, boy.
This is one of Eegah's
problem areas there.
-Eegah like so much
he buy company.
-Better watch him with
that shaving balm.
-Eegah's gonna do whip-its.
-[GROWLING]
-[SCREAMING]
-[LAUGHING]
-It's perfect.
-So, who do you like in
the big game tonight?
-I am big game.
-Eew.
-Yuck.
-Make him stop!
-That's not a tongue!
It's a Muskie Leech!
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Well, for once,
I'm glad to see him.
-Roxy!
-You don't have to wear
that dress tonight!
[GUNSHOT]
[MIMICKING ENGINE NOISES]
[MIMICKING CRASH]
-She shaved his chest!
-You did a better job
of shaving him, Roxy.
-Ew.
-Thanks.
-There's no way of telling
how old that fella is.
-Look.
-(LAUGHING) I like Ike.
-Mm, me look like
Anthony Michael Hall.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Hm, no, more like
Sandra Bernhardt.
-This could be a real
cute engagement photo.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-No, try parting it on the left.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Dad, were you talking?
-You're handsome.
-Well, I wouldn't go that far.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Set the hook, Roxy.
-Foam side, edge side.
-I warn you, Roxy,
don't upset him.
-[LAUGHING]
-Tell me some more
about your etchings.
-Oh, man.
-Oh, boo.
-Boo!
-Uh, you like the pretty smell?
Here.
This is loaded with perfume.
-Yeah, that's probably Giorgio.
-What a femme.
-This impostor fragrance!
-I'm gonna try and get
him to move the rock.
-Between love and Fred
Flintstone lies Obsession.
-These smell pretty too.
Where did you get them?
Out there?
-On the exit ramp?
-Yep, I really think you
should put them in water.
-Don't patronize me.
-I guess you're right.
There are plenty more out there!
-I didn't know Senator
Packwood was so tall.
-See?
Take it.
I'll bet you haven't see
anything like that before.
-(STUPID LAUGHTER) Pretty.
-Don't you think it's pretty?
-Um, I'm bunching.
Do you mind?
-Oh!
-Give him something else.
-Oh, ew!
-Dad!
-What?
-[INAUDIBLE].
-I haven't got anything else.
-Except for some
cheese filled combos.
-Here, here.
-OK, you drive a
hard bargain, lady.
-That was a mistake.
-Turn it off!
-I hate to think what Camille
Polly would say about this.
-Don't get the idea I don't
like you, but my father--
-Might shout something at you!
-He can see us.
He.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Yes, that's the idea.
-That's exactly what
I've been saying.
-We can go outside.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-What a dope.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Oh.
No!
No!
-Didn't you say take out dad?
-No, Eegah.
Outside.
-[GROWL]
-So, how you kids getting along?
-[ROAR]
-Boo!
-You brute.
I'll-- I'll kick you.
-My collarbone!
Watch the collar-- oof!
-[SCREAMING]
-Calling all units.
Domestic in progress
by the canyon.
-She's showing more
courage than her dad.
[GUNSHOT]
-Who did that?
-Help me, Spock.
-Oh, it's this clown.
Uh-huh.
-Nah, he wouldn't
fit in the den.
Too much meat on him.
-[GRUNTING]
-Aw, the Chianti is gone.
-Would someone help me
with the door, please?
-(SINGING) Ragdoll,
daddy's little cutie!
-Owie, owie, sting.
Oh, oh, ouchie, my pants.
-Ow, the collarbone!
The collarbone!
Oh, don't you know first aid?
-Go get after them.
-The dune buggy,
just down the canyon.
-Oh!
-I can do it.
Go on.
-Uh, don't forget
your little satchel.
Good.
-That purse will be
the death of him.
-(AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)
The dingos took my baby!
-Eh, I could've just carried my
wallet in my pocket, I suppose.
-[ROAR]
-Surprise!
Happy birthday.
-All part of his Drop
Your Guns program.
-Ew, I don't want
to do that again.
-[ROARING]
-You hurt Eegah's feelings.
-Oh, poopy.
-Oh, double poopy.
-Yes!
Yes!
-[CHEERING]
-He's resting comfortably now.
-Yes!
-Huh?
-Hm.
-(CRYING) You want another shot
at me, Eegah, you big femme?
-Come on, you stupid zinge.
-I'll throw this
grapefruit at you.
-Ooh, right in the area.
-Oh, Eegah.
I thought you were
Arch Hill-- [SCREAMING]
-Tom!
-Cool it, Roxy.
Everything's all right.
-Tom, I want to start
seeing guys from other eras.
-Dad!
-He's OK.
He's waiting for us.
-You got a chorus
pedal in that purse?
-Gary.
-Can't keep a good Eegah down.
-Aww.
It's a paper cut.
-Most embarrassing
day of my life.
-If you prick Eegah,
do he not bleed?
-Well, I pretty much
saved the day there.
Mm-hmm.
-Well, got the bag
all bungeed down.
That's not going anywhere.
[HUMMING] Ah, the good life.
-Huh?
-Hi, kids!
-Hi, chicken dad!
-Dad!
-Bill Clinton legs.
-Take off the pith helmet.
-Run, kids, run!
-But Dad, don't layer
your voice like that!
-Oh, yeah, I see what you mean!
-[ROARING]
-Top of the dune, ma!
-Shovel's safe.
-Dad, quit wriggling
in my seat like that!
[ENGINE TURNING OVER]
-Oh, no.
The oldest cliche in the movie.
They're doomed.
-It won't start.
-Let me.
-Hello, Hall family?
I'm not letting you
leave without some
of this yummy hot dish.
-Hurry!
-What's wrong with it?
-I rigged it so
nobody could steal it.
-Out here?
-At least take some of
these nummy caramel rolls!
-Aw, you're supposed
to drive away from him!
-Couldn't catch up with
that one. [INAUDIBLE].
-(SINGING) Oh you
pretty Chitty Bang Bang,
Chitty Chitty Bang
Bang, we love you.
-Gol darn smoochers
on my property!
-What's this?
Eegah ogling our allies?
Callous Cro-Magnon conniptions!
-Uh, is it OK if
we still go whee?
-Well, let's wait until
we outrun him first.
-OK.
-What about this
three bean salad?
It'll go bad!
-What?
What?
OK, bye.
-Wait, Eegah's got my purse.
We have to go back.
-Over to your right,
the "Robot Monster" set.
-Dead end!
-(SINGING TO THE "PINK PANTHER"
THEME) Dead end, dead end,
dead end dead end dead
end dead end dead end.
-What's with the
whimsical sitcom music?
-[HUMMING]
-[HONK]
-Hey, hey, stupid caveman dude!
Read between the lines, man!
Woo!
-[ROARING]
-[WHISTLE]
-[ROARING]
-Run Von Ryan!
-[SCREAMING]
-[ROARING]
-Uh, bye bye, then.
Don't-- don't forget
to stay in touch!
Bye.
OK.
-Which way?
-Well, start with away from him.
-That way.
-Hey, did I tell you my
tires are filled with water?
My tires are filled with water.
-Look!
-Hi, I'm back!
-Oh, now where are you?
-You know, goodbyes
are hard for Eegah.
-Here, have some
Irish soda bread!
-I thought for sure
that would hit them.
-Hey, you're going
the wrong way!
-Are you OK, honey?
-Just fine, dad.
-Wowee, there he is.
-Yep, pretty much.
-So long, high pockets.
-The tall jokes are
funny, but they hurt.
-(SINGING) Torn between two
lovers, feeling like a fool.
-Stay alive, whatever may occur!
I--
-I covered that one earlier.
-And as we left the
clam-flowage desert,
somehow we knew that
we would return,
hunting for the mighty drecks.
-Well, back to the cave.
Lost my girlfriend,
got my Eegah crushed.
Been working on my beard since
3,000 BC, and boom, it's gone.
Eegah have bad day.
-Mm, mm, mm, mm.
This is going to be good.
You know, it's as much fun
to make as it is to eat.
-Well, I hope it tastes good,
because the as much fun to make
part just isn't
happening for me.
-Oh, say, Joel, I got a question
about today's experiment.
-Mmhmm?
-You know, that Roxy chick
hangs out with her dad a lot,
but where's her mom?
-Oh, well, I'm sure
her dad's a widower.
-Well, how do you know
he wasn't divorced?
-Well, because the movie took
place in the '60s, and back
then, divorce was considered
socially unacceptable.
And so the entertainment
industry's elegant solution
was the untimely
death of a spouse.
-You know, you're right, Joel.
Now that I think of
it, the families on TV
back then were mostly
run by widowers.
I mean, think of it, guys.
"The Andy Griffith
Show," "Mayberry RFD,"
"Courtship of
Eddie's Father," oh,
"My Three Sons," "Flipper,"
even "The Beverly Hillbillies."
The list goes on and on.
-Yeah.
The only normal family
back then was the Munsters.
-[LAUGHING]
-So, uh, what happened to all
those spouses on all those
'60s shows?
I mean, jeez, back then,
marrying a good natured
suburban guy with
cute, precocious kids
was like buying a one way
ticket to an early grave.
-Right.
Well, I know that on "My Three
Sons," Steve Douglas's wife's
untimely death had
something to do
with Secret Project X-15, yeah.
-Oh.
So how about Uncle Charlie?
Did he have a dead wife?
-Well, he was secretly
married to Bub,
who died under mysterious
circumstances that
were hushed up by
the government.
-Now you're making stuff up.
-Just push the corn.
-So, uh, what about Mr.
Eddie's father's wife, Wahappa?
-Oh, you mean Mrs. Livingston?
Uh, she tragically died
leaving the Earth's atmosphere
running away with "My
Favorite Martian."
It's sad, really.
-Oh, now you're making stuff up.
-Yeah, I am.
-When you come right down
to it, what we're really
talking about here, guys,
is a cheap plot device
that enables young, swinging
bachelors to mix it up
with a hot young lady and still
have adorable kids that they
can dispense folksy,
homespun advice to.
-Yeah, I guess it was
all pretty harmless.
-Now, wait a minute.
What do you mean, harmless?
An entire generation
grow up watching
shows run by single parents.
No wonder the nuclear family
has exploded in recent years.
-Hey!
I just thought of something!
We don't have a mom, either.
-Well, hey, yeah!
We're latchkey bots!
-[CRYING]
-Oh, come on, you guys.
Give me a break.
Come on.
I'm stranded in space.
And besides, when I was a kid,
I saw the ABC movie of the week
with Herschel Bernardi, "But
I Don't Want To Get Married,"
and it had a profound
effect on me.
-Oh, don't worry, Joel.
We both know we have a
lot to be grateful for.
We have you, we have Gypsy.
-Jiffy Pop.
-Cambot.
-Jiffy Pop.
-Magic Voice.
-Jiffy Pop.
-But most importantly, we
have lots and lots of love.
And that's something
you just don't
get in a two parent household.
-This thing wasn't even on.
-Doh!
-It's-- we'll be right back.
-What is this?
A prehistoric "Endless Love"?
-Criminy, I lived next to
Palm Springs all this time
and didn't even know it.
-Eegah.
-Wait a minute.
Why do they have a statue
of Pat Nixon in there?
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Oh, what's he gonna do?
Match the swatch?
-We're closed, sir.
-Oh, man.
I gotta get a hold of myself.
I'm getting hot
over a mannequin.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
[SNIFFING]
-She's cold and distant.
-Aw, well, jeez.
Aw, the heck with her.
Taxi!
[SCREECHING BRAKES]
-Look out!
There's a Foley artist!
-Watch out for snakes.
-Econo Lodge?
But why?
-Roxy!
-Honey, why do we have an
oven in the living room?
-I'm ready, Dad.
-Well, I'm not.
You're gonna have to help me.
I can't manage the tie.
-Here.
I'll do it.
Does it have to be this one?
-Young lady, that happens to
be one of my favorite ties.
-But the color.
-You gave it to me.
Four years ago.
-Boing!
-[MIMICKING_SITCOM_TRUMPET]
-Why, it's lovely.
-Jerry Garcia designed it.
-Dad, whatever happened to mom?
-Are you sure you're feeling
well enough to go out tonight?
-Honey, we've got to go out.
-Well, it's not
anything special.
It's just a party.
-Your whole gang will be there.
-Yeah.
-You can't avoid them forever.
-But you should.
-Some of them will
laugh a little.
-Well, if I know Agnes
Henderson, she'll laugh a lot.
-Hello!
I've got your Girl
Scout cookies!
-Oh, this is some of his
best acting right here.
-What will happen to him?
-I don't know, but I'm certain
we're doing the right thing.
If we were to reveal that
a giant actually exists,
there'd be a whole army
out there tracking him down
like an animal.
-No, they wouldn't.
We wouldn't let them.
-Honey, he's from another age.
Another eon.
-Like me.
[KNOCKING]
-Come in.
-Hi.
It's me, Eegah.
Say, my hands are full.
Can you grab something for me?
-Hello, Mr. Miller.
-Ew!
-Wow-de-wow-wow.
-Ugh.
-Oh, I can feel his eyes on me.
-You sure look swell, Roxy.
-Thank you.
-Looks like Stockard Channing.
-I'll only be a minute.
-Is something wrong, Mr. Miller?
-Sit down, pieface.
It's a long list.
-We're just talking about
our little adventure.
-Oh, I see.
-You do?
-Well, sure.
A girl like Roxy don't get over
a thing like that right away.
-Doesn't.
-That's what I say.
-I'm gonna puke.
-She's gotta get
her mind off it.
And this hop tonight will help.
-Hop?
-Yeah.
My combo's going to be
there, and they swing.
-I'd like to meet your combo.
-I'm ready.
-Wowee wow wow-- oh.
-Let's split, then.
-Uh, sir, uh, why do you have
an oven in your living room?
-Uh, Mr. Miller, I got
my dad's wheels tonight.
-Really?
Do they fit on your car?
-[FORCED_LAUGHTER]
-You're funny, Mr. Miller.
Real funny.
-I'm going to kill you last.
-Grr.
-Sure, whatever.
Let's go.
-[SHATTERING]
-There's not even
any glass there.
-Eegah.
-Wow.
This place is a piece of cake.
-Oh.
-Eegah.
-Where's their collection
of dead people?
-Eegah.
-Man, these people
live like pigs.
-Hey, check it out.
There's an oven in
the living room.
-Paneling go long way.
-Looks like Gregg Toland
photographed this.
-Oh, that smell again?
Oh, yeah.
-I missed them.
I'll leave a note.
-Um, I'm in here!
-[ROARING]
-Wow, he's really gotta go.
-[GROWLING]
-Uh, how do these work again?
Twist or pull or p-push?
-[GROWLING]
-Here's Johnny!
Hey.
-Oh, it's a US Homes home.
-[SCREAMING]
-What, are there
50 women in there?
[MUFFLED VOICES]
-Hey, it's an all meat buffet.
-Yep, that's right.
No decorations.
No plush seating.
Just meat and meat setups.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Sir, the horseradish
is on the side.
-[SCREAMING]
-Whoa, who?
-Whoa, look at that!
-Let's get out of here!
[CHATTERING]
-Boy, let me tell you.
-Call the police!
-Ray Bolger?
No!
-[BELCHING]
-Ooh, seconds.
-Hey, wait a minute, friend!
What is this, a masquerade?
-That is Miller's
giant, darling.
-[SPEAKING_CAVEMAN]
-Yes it is.
-Aw, come on.
You can talk plainer than that.
-I'm sorry, sir.
Take that outside.
-He's real.
-What did he say?
-He's real.
-Of course he-- he's real?
-[SCREAMING]
-Hey, no horseplay on deck!
-Quick, call the police.
There's a giant here.
-Take one caveman, a
buffet, and a swimming pool,
and you've got caveman-a-go-go!
-Hey, the lifeguard
saw you, you know.
-[LAUGHING]
-Adlai Stevenson!
-[HUMMING]
-Large man or giant
creating disturbance.
Proceed with extreme caution.
-I have no idea why
I started the car.
-The dumb blue line.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-So, uh, when does that combo
that really swings show up?
-Ready, steady, bite me!
-Excuse me.
Thanks.
-I just wanted some
fresh air, that's all.
-Is it, honey?
-Fresh, I mean.
-I'll go to the papers, daddy.
-No.
Dad, I've got the
funniest feeling.
-Downstairs.
-What is it?
-You know, stuff.
-I can't describe it.
But I just know something's
happened to him.
-Him?
-Eegah.
-Who's Eegah?
-The giant.
-Oh, yeah.
-Or whatever he is.
Something's happened to him.
-Roxy, look at me.
I love you very much.
-I wish I could
return the sentiment.
-Every living thing was
her personal concern,
and she worried about them.
-I gotta go tan now.
-That's just it, dad.
But you see, worry isn't
the feeling that I have.
-It's more nausea.
-I don't know what it is.
He's a creature.
Why, you just have to
look at him to see that.
He even tried to kill us.
-But basically, he's a good egg.
-But just--
-You can't get him
out of your mind.
-Bonk!
-Is this is "The Third
Man" all of a sudden?
-Oh, Eegah's a mall walker.
-[GRUMBLING] Oh, that's cheap.
But I gotta go now.
-You can always go back for it.
-That's my job for
about two more years.
If I can hold onto
you that long.
Then it'll be up
to somebody else.
-Hey, Richard Speck is there.
-Maybe him, huh?
-No!
-Hey.
Where you been?
I was belting out a tune
just for you in there.
I look up, and you're gone.
-We could hear every word, Tom.
I said hear, not understand.
[SIRENS]
-You're funny, Mr. Miller.
Really funny.
-I'm being sarcastic.
-Come on, Roxy.
Let's dance.
-Wait a minute.
-What's the matter?
-I thought I heard sirens.
-Aw, that's Dino's sax.
It leaks.
-It looks like "The Grifters"
meets "Quest for Fire."
-[SCREAMING]
-Snoop Sisters.
Me hate 'em.
Mildred Natwick.
Bah.
-And hate George Gobel.
Ugh.
-Don't.
-Oh, boy, that was close.
-Hey, it's Wilma
Flintstone's mom.
-Let's sneak
another peek, Ethel.
-Hello, Mr. Giant?
Sir, with the stick upstairs.
Hel-hello?
Hello?
-Oh, crap.
My room's always
by the ice machine.
Ugh.
[SIRENS]
-I'm sorry, Gary.
I had the wrong page of
the Hudson Street Map.
-Hey, generic cops!
[SIRENS]
-They're cheaper than
the regular cops.
[BARKING]
-Hm?
Oh, the sheriff's
barking out orders.
-Charlie!
Look out!
-You two are on your own.
-Bunny slippers?
-[SCREAMING]
-Oh, don't do that!
-Abner, I saw a giant!
-Don't shoot, Charlie.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Huh.
I guess she's working
through her grief.
-(SINGING) Looky, looky,
looky, look at my thorax.
Looky, looky, looky,
look at my thorax.
Looky, looky, looky,
look at my torso.
-Tequila.
-He walked out on his own song.
-Tequila.
-This band has more personnel
changes than Menudo.
-It's a tag team band.
-Tequila.
Oops.
-If I didn't know
they were dancing,
I'd swear this was a fight.
-What?
-I say, it looks like a fight.
-My boy is a good dancer.
-I'm bogarting
that joint, Floyd.
-Where'd my date go?
Oh, there you are.
-(SINGING) My torso.
-Well, shall we?
-You asking?
-Come on, you clown.
-I'm with you, bud.
-(SINGING) Together
forever and ever with--
-Wait a minute.
Something's wrong here.
Where's my girlfriend?
-Tequila.
-Tequila.
-Can I have my
date back, please?
Thank you.
-[GRUNTING] Not as
strong as I used to be.
-Tequila.
-I'm gonna get you!
-Hey, how come I
don't get Foley?
-Knock it off!
She's my girl!
-I'm gonna smash--
-You!
-Hi, everybody.
-The Hat Squad.
-Party crashers!
[SHOUTS]
-Well, invitation didn't
say where or when, actually.
I didn't get one.
Hope it's OK I crashed.
-Eegah!
Eegah!
-Ooh, it's looking like
Altamata all over again.
-No!
Don't!
-Don't drink the last beer!
[SHOUTS]
-No!
No!
-[GRUNT]
-No!
-Just push him in the pool.
He's probably got
tubes in his ears.
-Man, she gets picked up so
much she should have a handle.
-[SCREAMING]
-There he is!
-Halt!
Halt or I'll fire!
-The guy looks like a toy.
-[LAUGHING]
-[GUNSHOTS]
-No!
Don't shoot!
He doesn't understand!
-Oops.
Too late.
-Roxy!
-[ROAR]
-At your Lincoln Mercury dealer.
-[CRYING]
-We're all out of Chex Mix!
-Bummer.
[GUNSHOTS]
-That's a strange
thing to wield.
[GUNSHOTS]
-Hey, mom!
Watch me, mom! [MIMICS
BUBBLING] Watch me!
-Yeah, we're going to
need a really big skimmer.
-Oopsie daisy.
-Ugh!
-He's an evil specter.
-So, how about that drink?
-Mood's gone, Floyd.
-Poor devil.
-He tampered in God's domain.
-Boy.
Ironic.
Bastard never saw an
in ground pool before.
-Remember, I love you.
-Who said that?
-Where'd he come from?
-Is he real?
-Who is he?
-His tail.
-Yes, he was real.
-What's that?
-It says so in the
Book of Genesis.
-By Phil Collins?
-There were giants in
the earth in those days.
Chapter 4, verse 32.
-Oh, that's totally
out of context.
-Hm.
-Oh.
-Ugh.
Ick.
-[COUGHING]
-Oh, gee.
-Oh, I feel sticky and dirty.
-Oh, Joel, I feel filthy.
My very soul is
defiled by this movie.
-That's OK, guys.
We'll get you all
cleaned up, OK?
-OK.
I gotta go.
Help, Joel.
[CHATTERING]
-Oh!
-[CRYING]
-Hurry up, Joel!
Turn the water on!
I gotta wash Eegah off me!
I'm naked and afraid.
Hey, don't look!
-Joel, Joel, Joel, I can feel
that slimy movie all over me.
Ugh, it's like wearing
an Orlon sweater
soaked in cod liver oil.
[SPUTTERING] Say,
would you be a dear
and turn the shower massage
head on pulsate for me?
-Got it.
Yeah.
-Thank you.
[CRYING AND SPUTTERING]
-Hey, uh, pass me a
Fels Naptha, would you?
-OK, got it.
Here it comes.
-Thanks.
Hey!
There's a hair on this.
-Um, we don't have hair.
-[CRYING_AND_SPUTTERING]
-Anyway, you guys, we could
just, uh, get nice and clean,
and I'll read this nice letter,
and, uh, that'll be nice, OK?
-OK.
-OK.
-And this comes from Lynn
[INAUDIBLE] and Nancy Payton.
Let's put that on still store,
and the picture on still store.
And it says, "Dear
Joel and the bots,
this missive is
winging its way to you
from two of your
very devoted fans.
We recently watched "The
Day the Earth Froze,"
where the search for a Sampo
was pivotal to the movie.
You expressed a desire
to know what a Sampo was,
so we felt obliged to send
photos of an actual Sampo.
See enclosed."
OK.
And, uh, there's the picture
with us right on the Sampo.
And that comes from Lynn
[INAUDIBLE] and Nancy Payton.
-Oh, boy.
I feel like a new man.
I washed that movie
right off of me.
-It's amazing what a little
soap and water can do.
-OK, what do you think, sir?
-Oh, not now, Joel.
Daddy forgot Frank's regularly
scheduled maintenance.
All the coolant leaked out.
Seized right up.
Just got the thing
paid for, too.
-Say, do you think maybe I could
possibly get my blood back,
please?
-Oh, you want your blood back?
Fine, baby, baby, baby.
I'll put your blood back in.
I'll put it right back in.
Come on!
Come on, Frank!
-No, no, no!
You know what?
I don't-- I don't
even want it anymore.
You take it.
-Yeah?
-You take it.
-Yeah, no, no.
I insist.
-No, you take it.
-Have your precious blood.
Here, baby!
-You-- you take it, you
big stupidy bully blood!
You take it!
You know what?
I'm gonna push the button.
-Oh, you're gonna
push the button?
[ARGUING]
-I'm pushing it.
-OK, push it, then.
I dare you.
You need your mommy?
-I'm pushing the button.
-Oh.
[THEME MUSIC]
-Fake it.
-That's what I've been doing.
Now I'm getting sick.