Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 6, Episode 5 - The Magic Voyage of Sinbad - full transcript

♪ In the not too distant future

♪ Next Sunday A.D.

♪ There was a guy named Joel

♪ Not too different
from you or me

♪ He worked at
Gizmodic Institute

♪ Just another face
in a red jumpsuit

♪ He did a good job
cleaning up the place

♪ But his bosses didn't like him

♪ So they shot into space

♪ We'll send him cheesy movies

♪ The worst we can find

♪ La lala

♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all

♪ And we'll monitor his mind

♪ La lala

♪ Keep in mind
Joel can't control

♪ When the movies begin or end

♪ La lala

♪ Because he used
those special parts

♪ To make his robot friends

♪ Robot Roll Call

♪ Cambot

♪ Gypsy

♪ Tom Servo

♪ Croooow!

♪ You're wondering how
he eats and breathes

♪ And other science facts

♪ La lala

♪ Then repeat to
yourself it's just a show

♪ I should really just relax

♪ For Mystery
Science Theater 3000

(door sliding and slamming)

- Welcome back to the
Third Annual SOLtie Awards.

And to present our next awards,

he's at the beak of his career
and she's totally tubular.

So please welcome Crow T.
Robot and the lovable Gypsy.

(piano music)

- Well, Crow, it
seems as if everybody

who's anybody is here tonight.

- That's because they knew
you'd be wearing that dress.

(Gypsy laughs)
Wow.

- You, flattery won't
get you everywhere.

Now be good and
read the nominees.

- Oh, I'll read the nominees
but I won't be good.

(laughter)

The nominees for
Best Performance by a

Redhead Gumball
Machine Looking Robot

In A Funny Situation are

Joel Robinson for
That Day At Lunch,

Magic Voice for Last
Thursday When We

All Stayed Up Late
Telling Stories,

Tom Servo for the Day He Lost
Control of His Hoverskirt.

- And Crow T. Robot,
the Day Tom Lost

Control of His Hoverskirt.

And the Golden Bone goes to,

gosh I'm nervous, thanks, Joel.

Oh my God.

Crow T. Robot.

- Oh my God!

Oh my God!
Oh my God!

I'm shocked, I'm sh--

Oh, thank you.

I'm very grateful,
I'm truly honored--

- Wait a minute!

Hold on, hold on.

This is highway robbery.

Wait a minute, hold it.

Get Price Waterhouse on the
phone, I demand a recount.

You know what this, don't you?

It's fear of a short, red
planet, that's what it is.

- Hey, I won fair
and square, buckaroo.

- Did not.
- Did too.

- Actually, I thought I had
a pretty good shot at it.

Well, that's Tinseltown.

We'll be right back.

(Crow spits)

(retro '80's music)

- But when you come
right down to it,

it's enough of an honor
to be nominated really.

- Oh yeah, the nomination itself
is really what's important.

- Yep.

Oh, who am I tryin' to kid?

A nomination without a win
spells one word, loser.

- Yep!

- Ah, come on, can the
bitterness, you guys.

O.C. and Stiggs are calling.

(humming)

- Oh, hello, Joel.

I was just drawing
on TV's Frank what I,

Dr. Clayton Forrester,
was born with.

A cleft chin.

- In other words, a chin
butt (forced chuckling).

- Call it what you will,
the fact is we found

a new area of the human
body to be ashamed of.

And shame fuels the economy,
from mouthwash to deodorant.

Where there's shame,
there's a need,

and our invention exchange
this week meets that need.

We give you

(tongue drum roll)

Chinderwear.

Frank's wearing the basic brief,

while I'm sporting
the bikini cut.

- It also comes in
boxer, Italian bunhugger,

and of course, the Joe Namath
knitted slingshot brief.

They're affordable, comfortable,

and leave no visible panty line.

(exhales)

- Frank, that's disgusting.

- If you ask me,
you guys have been

underground a little too long.

Anyway, our invention
exchange this week

is based on Frank
Sinatra and the Rat Pack.

It's the Rat Pack Chess Set.

- You'll see the
Rat Pack was sorta

a drinking man's Justice
League of America.

The closest thing to royalty

our great nation
has yet produced.

Why they were the
kings, queens, knaves,

rooks, and pawns of
our popular culture.

- My team on my side of the
board is the actual Rat Pack.

Frank Sinatra, of course.
- Yeah.

- Dean Martin.

Sammy Davis, Junior.

Peter Loffard.

Joey Bishop.

Plus supplemental
Rat Pack members,

Shirley MacLaine, Sammy
Kahn, and Jilly Rizzo.

- And of course, my
side of the board has

the Rat Pack's nemesis's.

There's Shecky Greene,
Kitty Kelley, Liz Smith,

Earl Wilson, Sam
Giancana, Judith Exner.

Of course, Bobby Kennedy.

And the Dark King
himself, Mitch Miller.

- Oh, boo.
- Okay, right,

now how do the pieces
move, you guys?

- Well, Dean Martin
can only stagger

sideways across the board.

Sammy Davis, Junior
can move in a

variety of different ways
'cause he's so versatile.

Hey, let's face it, the man
was the consummate entertainer.

- What about Joey Bishop?

- He moves however
Frank says, baby.

- Okay, and what about
ole Blue Eyes himself?

Where does he move?

- Wherever the hell he wants to.

After all, he's the
Chairman of the Chessboard.

- And check it
out, he talks, too.

- [Sinatra Voiceover]
Here's two bucks, dollface,

'cause that's just
what you're worth.

- Wow, cool.

- Now, what about Peter
Lawford over here?

- Well, he inevitably
gets kicked off the board

when JFK snubs Frank and stays

at Bing Crosby's
Palm Springs home.

Well then you can
replace him with

either Don Rickles, Toots Shor,

or the leggy Juliet
Grauss (growls).

- Yeah, sometimes Deano passes
out and can't continue on.

In that case, Liza Minelli,
being the trooper that she is,

is always ready to replace
him at a moment's notice.

- So you see everybody,
even when a game like chess

is Americanized, it's
still really complicated.

What do you think, sirs?

- Joel, your
experiment this week

is the Magic Voyage of Sinbad.

We whipped it together
specifically to cause pain,

and we did it our way.

(both laugh)

- I don't get it.

- Well--

- Oh no, we got a movie.

- [Sinatra Voiceover]
Wait a minute.

You don't got movie sign until
I say you got movie sign.

Capiche?

- Yes, sir.
- Yeah.

- [Sinatra Voiceover] Alright,
go ahead, you crumb bums.

(shouts during alarm)

(doors sliding
and clanging open)

- [Joel] Oh, you know what,

I saw the Magic Voyage
of Brad Garrett.

- [Crow] Hey, this is the
credits from I Dream of Genie.

- Hey!
- Yeah.

I love that typeface.

- [Joel] Arnold Kaylor.

Maurice Troyan, Robert Surow.

It's a cast of farmers.

- [Tom] Rimsky-Korsakov?

Oh, this must have been
one of his early films.

- [Tom] (chuckles) Hey, when
he's not scroring films,

isn't he in Oingo Boingo?

- [Joel] Oh, geez, it's kinda
cloudy on the lake today.

- [Crow] Oh yeah, but the
crappies are really biting.

- [Tom] Oh you don't get no
better eatin' than crappy.

- [Joel] I caught some
walleyes the other day.

That's like eating candy.

- Oh, cripes, you know I'd like
to catch me a big Northern.

- [Tom] The fishing sketch,
ladies and gentleman.

The fishing sketch.

- [Crow] You know this
already seems very Poscoian.

- [Narrator] They say
that long ago to the East,

beyond the temples of
India, and further even than

the jeweled cities of Arabia--

- [Joel] Lies the
cities of Midian.

- [Narrator] Remarkable
city of Copasand,

the home of Sinbad.

- [Joel] Well this isn't
it, but it's nice, isn't it?

- [Tom] Yeah.

- [Narrator] Sinbad the Sailor--

- [Crow] Yeah, that's me, yeah.

Pretty much going to Copasand.

Ka-kakaka, ooh, look
at the buildings.

- [Narrator] Was
carried through the air

in the claws of a
gigantic bird, the Rock.

Sinbad has returned--

- [Joel] And nobody
seems to care.

I'm very popular in Copasand.

- [Tom] Thank you, thank you.

You guys are terrific.

Thanks a lot.

- [Narrator] Sinbad
the Adventurer,

who sailed around the world in

search of it's
magical treasure--

- [Tom] We-a did a thing.

- [Joel] Hi, Dave, Trent, Chad,

Troy, Fred, Steve, Todd, Mark.

- [Narrator] Pearl
apples on the kingdom

at the bottom of the sea.

- [Joel] That bear
has Hammer pants on.

- [Tom] So it's a
hotel in New Hampshire.

- [Crow] Hey, you walked
right through my act.

- Up yours.
- Morning.

Ancient industry!

(Joel do-do-do's with music)

- [Narrator] But Sinbad,
having given away

his treasures to the poor
people of other lands,

returned to his home
with only a harp,

which they when played said
would bring about magical--

- [Tom] Howdy doodle!

Hey, that's a sword
there, isn't it?

Here, let me try it out.

Thanks a lot.

Whoo-hoo!
Whoopee!

Whoop whoop!
Thank you.

- [Narrator] All about
him, Sinbad could see

that a great change
had come over his city.

The people were dressed poorly,

and seemed hungry and tired.

- [Joel] We're hungry and tired.

- [Narrator] The
wealthy merchants

seemed richer than ever.

- [Crow] Yet they
also look like crap.

- [Joel] It's the Ozark
Mountain Daredevils

taking out the laundry.

(Crow chuckles)
(vocalized trumpeting)

- [Tom] Well, sorry you
all have to work so hard

but I'm off to play a
couple of rounds of golf.

- [Narrator] It was
on that first day

of his return to Copasand--

- [Tom] A shot rang out.

- [Narrator] Sinbad
found himself charmed

by a poor working
girl of the city.

- Boi-oi-oi-oing!
- Condition red! Dive, dive!

- [Sinbad] What are you called?

- [Crow] They call me Mr. Tibbs.

- Lubiria.

- [Tom] What an annoying name.

- Do you always stare at people?

- Not always.

- [Tom] Heh-heh-heh, well, uh.

- Could I have a drink, please?

- Yes.

- [Crow] Yes, water
(breathes dramatically).

- Let me pass.

- Please.

Won't I be able
to meet you again?

- I doubt that.

- [Tom] I'm retaining
a little water.

It's kind of a yoke.

- [Joel] Strike one, Sinbad.

- Wait, how shall I find you?

- [Crow] Just ask for the
girl with two buckets.

Get it?

- Should you want to, you will.

- [Tom] In other
words, buzz off.

- Lubiria.

- [Joel] Look to this
day, graduate, hah.

- [Narrator] But there
were still the poor people.

Copasand was now a
weary, enslaved city,

with bondage a common word.

- [Tom] Next up on Slave
Search, funny Slave Carrot Top.

- Without you--

- [Joel] Heh, I'm
gonna do my chops.

- I would speak to you,
who would stand to us,

a bonded man, a drink.

- Oh, go on, you'll
drunken up the heavens now.

- [Tom] What, is
this Les Miserables?

- It was hunger
that enslaved him.

- Better than starving.

- Let him look for happiness.

- [Crow] Howard
Johnson is right.

- Nothing is better
than starving.

- What?
- What?

- When you lose your freedom
for the sake of a full stomach.

Listen to me, good people
of the city of Copasand--

- [Joel] Consider Amway.

- I have heard there's
a bird of happiness.

We need only to go and find it.

- In what land is this
bird supposedly flying?

- [Joel] Did I tell you talk?

- That I do not know
but this, old man,

I will tell you, we
must look for it.

Look for it until we find it.

- [Crow] But I kid the poor.

- I'll build a boat and
sail about the world.

I'll sail and search
until I have found it.

- And how will you find it?

- [Tom] That's great, security.

- You aren't even a merchant.

- Here!

My only fortune is my harp.

- [Crow] Why do you
think that's funny?

What's so funny?

- Not enough to sail with.

- What did you sell
your freedom for?

- [Crow] Some Knicks tickets.

- What would it
take to free you?

- [Tom] This isn't open stage.

- One piece of silver?

Here, this is not so bad.

Who will give me one
piece of silver for it?

- Here, let me see!
- Scram.

- I will buy it.
- I own the man.

It is his right.

- Here you are.
- Well, he made bail.

- If you ever do
make your journey--

- [Crow] Which I doubt.

- You must not be selfish.

Alone, your bird cannot
bring you happiness.

- [Tom] Thanks,
I'll mull that over.

- [Joel] What did
I get myself into?

I just got into town.

- [Crow] Ah, screw that,
I'm going for the bird.

- [Narrator] One
man freed, but still

there were thousands more.

- [Joel] Guess I should've
brought more hats.

- Sorry, Mr. Sinbad.

- [Joel] Ah, great, I give up
my hat and now I'm the jerk.

- [Narrator] And so
it came to pass that

Sinbad's joyful
return to his home was

marred by the poverty and
unhappiness of it's people.

- [Tom] Dumb old poor people.

- [Narrator] A
city without magic.

Where the marvelous wonders
were long forgotten.

Where the riches of others
enslaved the good people.

- [Joel] So Sinbad went to
the Renaissance Festival!

- [Tom] Wait just
a doggone minute!

I'm still Sinbad, dammit!

- [Crow] No, no, I'm Dutch.

I don't want any furs.

What am I doing here?

- [Joel] Consider fur, brought
to you by the Fur Council.

(celebratory music)

That's an odd way
to go to communion.

- [Tom] It's 27 Brides
for 27 Brothers.

Yip yip yahoo!

- [Crow] I used to
be able to walk,

and now all I can do is this.

- [Tom] My house shall not
be a house of hilarity.

- [Joel] Help me, I
don't know how to stop!

Been around the world
and I've never seen

anything as stupid as this.

- [Crow] When jesters drink.

- [Joel] If you must
jest, don't drink.

- [Tom] Hey, Paul Winter.
(Crow barks)

- [Joel] It's not working!
(Tom yelps)

- [Crow] Hey, now look,
everybody's gotta go.

My parents are coming
home any minute.

- [Joel] I'll get your check.

- [Tom] (laughs)
Nothing's funnier

than a jester on the floor.

- [Crow] The two stages
of Jackie Cooper.

Young, old.

- I don't choose to beg.
- Nyeh.

(retro '80's music)

- Quiet, all of you!

- [Crow] A table for
one is all I ask.

- [Tom] The hell?

- [Crow] Sinbad, the
kitchen is closed.

- Who invited him?
- Who is this man?

- [Crow] What a dope.

- [Tom] Where'd
you get the zither?

Wiener.

- [Crow] Why don't
you go back there?

- I'm a traveler of many lands.

- [Joel] Big deal!

- And stopping again right here.

On the beautiful
shores of Copasand.

- [Joel] Oh, it's
the great Sinbad,

gracing us with his presence.

- I'll handle this intruder.
- Watch this.

- Just now, Sinbad, you
have incurred my anger.

How dare you break in
here and disrupt my party.

Uncouth wastrel.

This noble city--
- This England.

- Does not need
the likes of you.

- Abdallah, if you
please to wait.

If you will all just
wait for one minute.

- [Joel] I have some
amazing discoveries.

- I must insist.

- [Joel] Sleep.

- Believe me, I
come not to quarrel.

On the contrary, but
with a proposition.

- [Crow] You can increase
your income by $25,000.

- [Tom] Sounds great.
Drop the chandelier on him.

- An offer of value.
Well, tell us about it.

What have you to offer us?

- [Joel] Well, it's kinda
a work in progress really.

- All night long I've
listened to you talking.

Boasting and bragging
of your power,

your wealth and your happiness.

- Not me.
- Don't you know

that when you die, that you die.

These riches cannot
be taken with you.

- [Crow] You have to sail the

seven flipping seas to
find that out, Cha-Cha?

- To bring happiness
to all Copasand.

Find this happiness.

Search all over the earth.

Build up a fleet
of merchant ships.

- [Tom] Do you wanna
take it outside, sir?

- Goods to all
men, and establish

forever the glory of Copasand.

- [Merchant] He is mad!

- He listened to a fool.

A drifter trying to
teach the expert.

- [Joel] Oh, Jerry, you always
come up with the right line.

- [Crow] Oh, Jer.

- Away with him!

- Away with 'im.

- Away with the troublemaker.

- Get him out.

- Abdallah, this
spattering must stop.

- [Crow] Santa, be reasonable.

- [Merchant] That Sinbad
speaks the truth then?

- Yes.
- He promises us glory.

And he has nothing
in his pockets.

You believe him and
you are a fool, I say.

- Why won't you listen?

You're a bright man, but now
you don't act very bright.

Listen to your elder.

We must send the ships.

(Crow hisses)
- Fajita coming through.

Watch out, ohp sorry.

- Perhaps Sinbad is right?

- What if he is?

Who cares if he should be?

You mind your business.

- Diat!
- What?

- I don't have to stay here.
- You could do worse.

- Now, vagabond,
you cause trouble.

- Here, Sinbad, a drink
for the great traveler.

He travels the seas
and saw the sights

and still has nothing.

- Get out, old fool.

- [Tom] He just brought the
level of discourse way down.

- If you don't listen to him,

you're all worse
than hypocrites.

- [Joel] You're hippopotamus's.

- You disagree with
your Father's wisdom?

You side with the wastrel?

You have shamed us,
in front of everyone.

- [Crow] You guys were
shameful before he got here.

- I'll get ships
without your assis--

- [Tom] I'm here to stop the

chain of fear that's
plagued this family.

- There are people who
are wiser than you.

(laughter)

- [Joel] I'm outta here, thanks.

- Do better with it than you.

The poor will wear
brocade clothes.

They'll dance in the streets
and have gold to spend.

- [Crow] Sinbad,
ladies and gentleman!

He always leaves us laughing.

What a jerk.

- [Joel] Come on,
jesters, leave him alone.

He's had enough.

- [Tom] Oh, that went well.

- Arrogant, smug merchants.

- [Joel] Last time
I go to the rotary.

- They will regret--

- [Crow] Sinbad, the
resentful sailor.

- Take me along
with you, Sinbad.

- And who are you?

- Hadibad is my name.

Here I'm just a buffoon
that means nothing.

But with you I could
do a man's work.

Oh, please, take me with you.

- [Tom] (chuckles) No.

- Men work hard.

- Oh, please, take
me with you, Sinbad.

I will work well.

I promise.

- [Joel] What are you, nuts?

No!
- Alright.

You will be my first recruit.

- [Tom] You're on
probation for six weeks.

- Now let me go.

I must plan for our future.

- [Crow] Thank God he
didn't check my references.

- [Narrator] The merchants
had made their decision.

The condition of the people
was of no concern to them.

♪ What condition
their condition is in.

- [Crow] Now it's Siddartha.

- [Tom] Was that a Howard
Hesseman reference?

Rudolph Hess.

♪ Where is love

- [Crow] Hey, someone
took my fort down.

Steve Martin's World of Birds.

- [Joel] I'm a sprite.

- [Narrator] Sinbad
wandered to the edge

of the Enchanted Sea.
- And had a magic BM.

- [Narrator] And began
to play his magical harp,

in the hopes that his
troubles would be answered.

(harp music)

♪ Jim Dandy to the rescue

♪ Jim

♪ Alone my soul must always be

- [Crow] Al Martino?

♪ Is happiness beyond the sea

(all howl like dogs)

♪ Does it hide it's shining fair

♪ In dark caverns waiting there

- [Crow] Is that a
rhetorical question?

♪ My heart laments
the years I've spent

- [Joel] Sinbad, do you mind?

♪ In search of happiness

- [Tom] Boy, now she's
a tall drink of water.

- [Joel] That's enough, you.

♪ There's a place
where kindness dwells

- [Crow] Is there a place
where you can shut up?

♪ My heart would find it's rest

- [Joel] How 'bout giving
it a rest now, Sinbad?

♪ Happiness could you be love

♪ Hidden in a maiden's eyes

- [Tom] Sinbad Unplugged.

- [Joel] If you find a
melody, Sinbad, hop on.

♪ In my own heart lies.

- [Crow] Next, thank you.

♪ My love it must be
(Crow sighs)

- [Joel] Sinbad, honey, I'm
begging you, please stop.

Please.

(Crow clears throat)

♪ Each way I pray forevermore

- [Tom] Um, Mr. Bad, the
apartment building next door

has asked me to ask
you to shut up, please.

♪ Moonlit sea

- [Joel] Everybody,
just the goldfish now.

- [Crow] Take it to
the bridge, Sinbad.

Drop it in the water.

(Joel exhales)

- Sinbad.
- Don't do that.

- Would you even look
at me waiting for you?

- [Tom] Oh geez, did
you just see everything?

- Where, Sinbad?

- You are the fairest
woman I've ever seen.

- You seem so gloomy.

- [Crow] Here, have some Prozac.

- Perhaps you long for someone
who does not care for you?

- [Joel] Is she
a kabuki actress?

- Your song pulled at the
very heart of Morgiana.

I'm your friend.

- [Tom] Oh, she's a groupie.

- You must let me help you.

I have the powers of my Father.

- And where is your Father
that he has such powers?

- Below the sea.

Known to you as Neptune.

- [Crow] Known to me as Fred.

- If you were only to look
at his magical kingdom,

you would see gold fin fishes
and mysteries beyond belief--

- [Tom] Sure it's real to
you with your (mumbles).

Yeah huh, mmhmm.

- This land of worry
and come below--

- [Joel] For a Carnival
Cruise vacation.

- Most of this opportunity
and journey with me.

- But I cannot.

I must stay here
and keep my promise.

- [Tom] I have a doctor's
appointment at the dentist.

- I promised to bring the
Bird of Happiness to Copasand,

and I must search
the Earth for it.

And still my ships
cannot be launched.

I have no money to
begin my search.

- [Crow] No money?

Well I gotta go.

- You're honor bound I see.

- [Joel] So what
are you looking at?

- [Tom] Going back, sorry.

- Bring a boat here.

Begin to cast beneath
the waters below,

and I shall be there,

bringing you my golden fish.

- [Joel] Oh wow.

- [Tom] Right, I
love this lake, yes!

- [Crow] She's a keeper.

- Morning's coming.

And we shall part now, Sinbad.

Perchance I have--

- [Joel] This is the
latest Taster's Choice ad.

- Time will tell.

(vocalized motor sound)
- Oh, by the way,

I left $10,000 in the (garbles).

- I will come, Morgiana.

Riches from the sea.

- [Crow] (chuckles
sarcastically) Riches.

- You'll see, foolish merchants.

All of you, you'll see.

(doors sliding and shutting)

(jump and cheer around)

(circus music)

(heavy breathing)

- Oh boy.

Heck, cavorting really
takes it out of ya.

- Jestering is grueling.

Movie made it look so easy.

- Okay, you guys, now listen up.

We got plans for the next
Junior Jester Meeting

the first Tuesday of next month.

Don't forget your dues.

- I make a motion
that the next meeting,

we do our cavorting
laying down on couches.

- I can't make it next month.

- Hey, but you're in charge
of the snack committee.

- I'm sorry.

There's really no reason to

meet during the
summer, is there?

- Maybe we should
dissolve the chapter.

- Wait a second,
you guys, you can't

dissolve the Junior
Jesters Club.

Where else am I gonna
wear these shoes?

- Okay, how 'bout we
meet June 4th, huh?

- No, that's how we got Mr.
Be Natural practice that day.

- Hey, we got commercials
sign, I think.

- Crow, could you be
a dear and get that?

We'll try to iron this out.

We'll be back right back.

(Crow forceful grunts)

(retro 80's music)

- [Joel] Oh boy.

Oh boy.

I'm drinking Jesterade.

You know cavorting really makes
you lose your electrolytes.

- [Narrator] And promises
you a happy life.

Magic and riches for
the people of Copasand.

- [Tom] Next on
The Price Is Right,

Conray Stevies, come on down!

- [Narrator] And
grumbled at having

their rest disturbed.

Who is this who rings the bell

at this time of night,
they complained.

What madness is this?

- [Crow] What
fresh hell is this?

- [Tom] Come on, let's
take back the nights.

♪ Take back the night

- [Narrator] Down
through marketplace

and into the public square.

- [Tom] Neil Diamond
tickets were on sale.

- What is it?

What could be happening?

The whole city's
running like mad men.

- [Crow] This is all the
earmarks of a run on the bank.

(bell chimes)

- [Tom] Antony!

- [Crow] Here on the
north side of Persia,

it's Prince Spaghetti Day.

- [Tom] Antony!

- What's the meaning of this?

Who dares call the people?

- I do!

- [Joel] Oh yeah, everybody just

stop your lives and pay
attention to Sinbad.

- Yes, take him now.

- [Tom] If I could just
do my opening joke.

(clears throat) Women be
different from men, you see.

- [Crow] (laughs)
That was not bad.

- [Merchant] We do
not wish to hear you.

- Let him speak.

- [Crowd] Speak!

- [Viewers] Give us Barabbas.

- Hear me, free men.

Hear me now as I speak to you.

- [Crow] What if Jack Nicholson
worked at a Burger King?

- [Joel] I think it
would go something.

- [Tom] And I failed miserably.

- I felt this goal
could be reached.

But your illustrious merchants
would have none of it.

They laughed all this off.

I say to you people
that I will do this.

- [Joel] Lose eight
pounds by Christmas.

- And then I will
cast the silken net,

and this I will do, catch
fishes with golden fins.

- There is no such
fishes that can

be in the ocean and
you very well know it.

- This insolent dog is trying
to make fools of us all.

- This idiot should be
thrown for his insolence.

- [Crow] He's a Populist.

He just can't stop him.

- [Viewers] Burn the witch!

Burn the witch!

- And this I am sure
will satisfy you.

I'll catch these
fish if I'm able,

then you will give me the
keys to your warehouses.

And should I fail, I freely
give you the head of Sinbad.

- [Crow] And I'll insist
that you all spank me.

- And now what do you say?
- Bite me!

- You shall have his
head, I warned you.

Whoever heard of
these golden fishes?

- Well, what do you say?

Is it agreed then?

- [Viewers] No!

- You have all
heard the agreement.

Now we will see what
the morning will bring.

- [Tom] Now, hang on.

(crowd cheers)
- He has the entire day.

Sinbad will cast his net
and catch his golden fish,

as he promises, and if
he does not catch them,

then his head will belong to us.

So.
- Agreed.

- [Joel] And I'm gone!

Woap, maybe not.

- [Crow] Jay Highland Brewing
Company, Lacrosse, Wisconsin.

Over there.

♪ Beyond the blue horiz--

- Only the brave shall join me.

- [Crow] It's noon and
he's still fillibustering.

- [Joel] (ebbs
and awws) Pick me.

(ebbs and awws)

- It's not a simple job.

Not everyone has
the strength for it.

We must test each man to see.

If you wish to go on the journey

then you must pass the test.

- [Tom] Not everyone is cut
out to be an Arby's fry cook.

- [Crow] Tonight,
Cannon goes undercover.

- Collecting an army.

Form against us?

- Let him.

We should soon have his
head for all his follies.

- Not soon enough.

- [Joel] Still, it
was a good speech.

- [Sinbad] Roll out
a barrel of wine

and the large drinking cup.

♪ We'll have a barrel of fun.

- Plenty enough for all of you.

- [Joel] Everyone dresses like

Michael Nesmith in this town.

- Who will be first to try?

Step up here.

- I hear the call.

Let me have it.

- Drink.

- [Crow] They're test
marketing Crystal Pepsi.

- [Tom] Sinbad and
Friends, The College Years.

Foster Brooks,
ladies and gentleman.

Foster Brooks.

- And now you try.

- I'm ready.

- [Crow] The Alcoholic
Voyage of Sinbad

will be back after this.

- [Joel] Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp.

- Good man.

Are you prepared to
stand up to one blow?

- Do it.

- [Tom] Ow, couldn't he have

guessed your weight
or something?

- Let's see if I
can stand the blow.

- Alright, Kaseem,
here is your drink.

- [Tom] His guest.

- [Crow] This is
how they selected

the jury for the
Rodney King trial.

- Bravely done.

If I knock you down, good
Kaseem, don't bear me a grudge.

- Alright, see if you
can knock me down.

- [Joel] How about a
nice Hawaiian punch?

- You're a good man, Kaseem.

Are there more of
suspended belief?

- [Viewers] We're gonna
make it after all.

- [Joel] Sinbad thinks
of all the fun stuff.

- [Tom] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

- You pass the test.

- [Crow] SAT's were
different back then.

- I am ready for the test.

- No need, you pass without it.

- Well, but free wine
is hard to come by.

- [Crow] How about just
knee him in the groin then?

- Well said.

- [Tom] He's drinking out
of a Captain Crunch hat.

- [Crow] There's a
squirrel in there.

Look at that.

- No, hit me too.

- That would be the day,
when a fist hurt him.

Better hit him with a
cudgel or else nothing.

- [Crow] Grover always comes
up with the real zinger.

- And I'm still involved.

- I'll tell you.

Let him fight my bear.

Then you'll see a really
good match here, hey?

- I'll give you a better fight.

Why not?

- [Tom] Hey, nobody
ever asked me

if I wanted to be
a part of this.

- [Crow] The bear's
going into rope-a-dope.

- Come on, you fur rug.

- [Joel] Check it out.

The bear's having an
intervention with Dan Haggerty.

- [Tom] Dan, I
wouldn't confront you

like this if I didn't
care about you.

- [Crow] See, Dan,
even Denver Pyle

and his family showed up.

They want you to seek help, too.

- [Tom] I love you, damn it.

Danny, can't you see that
you're destroying yourself?

Come on!

- [Crow] Listen, Haggerty,
you can fight me and run away

but you can never run
away from yourself.

- Enough, you'll kill him.

Get off, you brute, get off.

- [Joel] It's been a fun day.

- You're a strong
man indeed, Thomas.

- [Tom] Wish I could hire ya.

- Hey, Sinbad, would
ya take me with you?

- [Crow] Let me explain
it one more time.

No.

- You're a little
too weak, I fear.

- [Joel] Oh, that
was uncalled for.

- I think you'll find me
valuable if you try me.

You see, I do many things.

Things that other men cannot do.

You see that I'm wily
and clever with my hands.

Strength is not all.

What do you see here?

- [Tom] I see a
suspicious stain.

- [Joel] He's a demon!

- Alright, Tripod,
you'll join us

and we're happy to have you.

- [Crow] Put him
on another ship.

- And now, friends,
get me a net.

A silken one to catch the bait.

The time has come.

- [Tom] You know, guys, this
doesn't seem like Persia,

and it's probably
not even Sinbad.

- The sun has long been up.

(retro '80's music)

- [Crow] What the
samscratch is going on?

- [Joel] You know he never
really goes out to sea.

He just goes out a little ways.

- [Crow] These are the
fabulous golden fish.

- [Tom] Hey, a
whole bunch of fish.

You can all go home now.

- [Joel] Spectator fishing.

- [Crow] Just some syringes
and Coney Island whitefish.

- [Tom] He can say
goodbye to his head now.

- [Crow] I'm dead.

- No luck.
- Whoohah!

- [Joel] The hell?

- [Spectator] No fish.

- [Joel] Still it's
a nice day to be out.

- [Crow] How long do I get?

- [Joel] Oh, there goes a
tag going right through.

- [Tom] There he
goes again, guys.

Look out.

- [Crow] This is
it, the big one.

Do bullheads count?

Darn.

- [Joel] What is this?

- Upick, this man
holds no gold fin fish.

- [Tom] You a Yukon
Cornelius over here?

- [Crow] And the
crowd settles in

after a disappointing
first half.

- [Tom] Three weeks later.

- [Joel] Wait 'til
they get a load of me.

- [Crow] Get along,
little fishies, yeehaw.

Really stunk it up
in here, pesto burp.

Sorry, fish.

- [Joel] Please, oh please,
oh please, oh please.

- Princess, you
haven't forgotten me.

- Beautiful.

- I won, I won!

- [Crow] We have a winner.

Hold your cards.

- Sinbad has done it.

♪ We're gonna make it after all

- He's done it.

- [Joel] So does
anybody see anything

in this movie remotely Arabian?

- [Crow] Hurray, what's a
fish gonna do for us again?

Give it up for me, I won!

Whoo!

- You've lost your
wager, merchants,

and now you must give
your goods to Sinbad and--

- [Joel] Ah, jam it,
you crummy prole.

- [Tom] Here it is,
thank you, keep it up.

Keep it going for me.

Come on.

It's me.

- [Crow] Uh-oh, what's the
clearance on that bridge?

- [Tom] I don't know, I
think it's about 13'9.

- [Joel] This is turning out to

be one heck of a
portage, yes, it's me!

Hello.

- [Crow] Kiss my big,
white, Sinbad butt, I won.

Whoo-hoo!
- Who's gonna clean it?

- Phooey.
- I'm going home.

- [Joel] Your Persian Clippers

returning home after
winning the World Series.

- Why do you have such
glum faces, my gents?

Don't you think I look
better with my head?

- [Joel] Yeah, let's try
it the other way and see.

- Hand over the keys to
all of your warehouses.

- [Crow] Now give me your pin
numbers for your bank cards.

- Here now, my worthy crew,

take these keys
and open the shops.

Get yourselves clothes
and new sharp swords.

Then give new
clothes to everyone.

- [Tom] I'm a 44 long.

- Clothes, food, and fuel.

All this give to the poor.

The silk and the velvet cloth,

all this give them and let
them know how it is to be rich.

- [Joel] Alright, and
stock up on socks.

You know you're never gonna
have this chance again.

- [Crow] It's just a
band aid for the economy.

- [Joel] These people,
any excuse to squat.

- [Tom] This is like
Sturgess before motorcycles.

- [Joel] You know, I
can't tell if that's a

Magritte or if that's
a hole in the wall?

- [Crow] Hey, Mr. Tambourine
Man, play a song for me.

- [Joel] Boy, life
is sure better

since that one fish got here.

- [Crow] Yeah, wonder what they

would've done for
a lobster dinner.

- [Tom] Let's see,
before Sinbad came,

everybody was partying
and after Sinbad came,

everybody's partying.

He's changed a whole
here, didn't he?

- [Crow] Tad, don't
ever do that again.

- [Joel] Man, I never knew
Arabia was so Russian.

- [Crow] Well maybe this
was a finished movie called

"The Magic Voyage of Torvil".

- [Tom] It's Dance Party Persia.

Or Finland.

- [Crow] Nobody ever
picked me for basketball.

- Hey Tripod--
- Tripod?

- Why aren't you singing
and dancing like the others?

Have a good time.

- You must forgive me.

I do not feel like dancing.

♪ I do not feel like dancing

- Why shouldn't the
people enjoy themselves?

Look how happy everyone is.

There's no hunger, or poverty.

They have happiness.

- What is it with your soul?

Take a troubled look beyond
your nose at what you see--

- [Tom] Geez, even when
Paris was liberated,

this guy brought 'em all down.

- [Crow] Oh yeah, that.

- Keep looking there.
- Oh yeah, I've seen it.

- [Tom] Come on, take
a big, steamy gawk.

- I'm looking.
- Come on, look. Look.

- Stop it.
- Look.

- Stop it!
- Look.

- [Crow] They were sold out.

- [Joel] Could you catch
another fish, please?

- Who are they?

- The lost ones.

They heard
- Jason Patrick,

Kiefer Sutherland?

- You've given
everything, everything

you had away to the people here

and still there is no happiness.

- [Crow] Your point, please?

- Now there is no money
to build your ships.

- I muddled my own plan.

- [Joel] You muddied
your own pants?

- I just wanted to
give happiness to them.

- [Tom] Well you didn't.

- [Crow] Look, go ruin
another town's economy.

- [Joel] And stay out, Sinbad.

(Crow fake cries)

- [Crow] I'm not crying.

- Lubiria.

- [Tom] Great job, Sinbad.

You really humiliated me today.

- I was almost afraid
you weren't coming.

- I had trouble getting
away from Mother.

- [Joel] And my boyfriend
is waiting in the car.

- Did you tell your
Mother of my love for you?

- [Crow] No, you
think I'm stupid?

- She says I haven't
known you long enough.

You're a seaman, and the
sea has no place for me.

- [Tom] And she brought
up the fish thing, too.

- What can I do?

You must see my position.

- [Crow] Is she laying him off?

- We can no longer
see one another.

- [Joel] This pretty much fits
with the rest of my day, gah.

- [Tom] Well it's early,
I can still see Debbie.

- That's not what I say.

That's what my
Mother said to me.

- [Crow] Your mother doesn't
want to see me anymore?

- I'll always be proud
of what you have done.

You don't have to become rich.

I only want you.

- [Joel] And a tetherball.

- I know you, Sinbad.

I believe I can make you happy.

So you see, you must let me.

- [Tom] Oh, oh, sorry, I
was thinking about my hat.

- But I must leave you shortly.

- [Tom] Oh, and that golden fish

isn't agreeing with me at all.

- I have to make my journey.

- What journey?

- [Tom] You know,
the big journey.

- I promised the people.

I must search for
their happiness.

- I pray first that you
will find our happiness.

But if theirs is more
important, remember--

- [Joel] Don't flush q-tips.

- First and last, I am yours.

- [Tom] Oh, whoopeedink,
Sinbad's back.

- [Crow] Wanna get another
softball game going?

Made my own
blender-aise last night.

Turned out pretty creamy.

- [Joel] Hey, those
are from Pier One.

- [Tom] Bet they're really
stinking up the place by now.

- A harvest of foolishness
I've left myself.

- [Joel] Yup.

- [Crow] She's playing
with bath beads.

- [Tom] Brought to
you in living color.

- [Crow] Suddenly sushi?

(laughs)

Great.

- [Tom] The power of
creative visualization.

- Ah, Princess, I thank you.

- [Crow] Oh fun.

- [Tom] Hi, I also
ironed your work shirt

and packed your lunch, too.

- My friends, wake up.

(retro 80's music)

(cavemen grunting)

(robot giggles)

- We were wondering
what would you do

if Sinbad came to your town?

Wouldn't you want the
City Council to do
something about it?

Let's watch.

- [Joel] Okay, beardheads,
floor is resolved.

Parking is diagonal rather than
parallel in downtown Persia.

Next item, can I get
some water, please?

- Mr. President.
- You're the President?

- Sure, why not?

- Then can I be Labor
MP from Brixton.

- Yes, the President recognizes
the Honorable Tom Servo.

- Thank you, and gentlemen,
the Sinbad problem--

- Move the table,
he's not Sinbad.

- Motion is out of order.

I've not yet yielded the floor.

My honorable
colleagues, and Crow,

far too long have we denied
the existence of this scourge.

- What a cheap demagogue.

Servo, you're a cheap demagogue.

- Be it demagoguery, sir, to
safeguard the public morals?

Item one, Sinbad
has continually,

and in clear violation
of City Statute 101.4563,

1998 Statutes Amended,
interrupted our daily routine.

- He's not Sinbad.

- Gentleman, I'm a
fellow what likes

to know what he's doing
and when he's doing it.

Ours is a society based
on ancient traditions.

- I thought we just
sold each other fish.

- That's what I thought, too.

Ooh, I got one.

Could I have some
more water, please?

- And most pressing
on the public coffers,

why in God's name is
Sinbad tax exempt?

- Look, do you
have a suggestion?

- Yes, banishment!

- Okay, the President recognizes
the Labor MP from Brixton.

- Thank you.

Move to refer whole
issue to zoning.

Move to find out what the
heck is with these beards.

And move to find out the true
identity of this guy, Skinbag.

- (chuckles) You mean Zigzag?

- Precisely, Whizbang.

- Gentlemen, you'll
ruin our infrastructure.

- Move to end sketch.
- Oh yes.

Do I hear a second?

- I second.

- Is there any discussion?

- Yeah, he's not Sinbad.

- So ordered.

Could I get some water, please?

- I'll get the water for ya.

- Sometimes lost causes are the

only causes worth fighting for.

(sirens)

No, movie time!

(doors sliding and slamming)

- Tinpans.
- Semenblend.

- [Joel] Skinsnag.

- Just look at this gold
we received from the sea.

- [Crow] Welcome to
Manic Depressiveville.

- Look, look.

Each man take some at once.

- [Joel] What is he, Percy Ross?

- [Sinbad] We must
have ships at once.

Strong, fast ships to carry us
on our search for happiness.

- [Joel] It's a
rack of bronto ribs.

- [Sinbad] We will not return
until happiness is ours,

however long it takes us.

Hurry, the sea waits for us.

- [Tom] My aunt lives out there.

- [Crow] Sinbad-tested,
God-approved.

(epic music)

- [Tom] And now
intermission, Part Two.

- [Joel] Well this is it.

- [Tom] This is a really
a dumb relationship.

They haven't gone to a Dairy
Queen, or a movie, or anything.

- Wait patiently
for me, loved one.

Remember--

- [Crow] Don't eat
refrozen ice cream.

- Of the Earth itself.

I will come back to you.

- [Tom] Stay alive.

Whatever may occur,
I will find you.

- Look, there they are.

- [Joel] He better join 'em.

- The birds of love.

I will send one
after you every year.

- [Crow] I want you to
have this rear view mirror.

- If you wear this
amulet, I'll feel safer.

- [Tom] It's a Denver
amulet (laughs).

- You're a good man--

- [Joel] Charlie Brown.

- Now you should go.

My own beloved.

- [Crow] It's just a
business trip, honey.

- I will not weep.

I love you very much.

- [Tom] I love pancakes more.

- [Joel] Hey, he's
got a Stratego hat.

♪ And I ran

♪ I ran so far away

- [Crow] Now I
always thought Sinbad

wore big genie pants and
a vest with no shirt.

- [Joel] Oh well.

- [Tom] Oh geez, Sinbad doesn't

make a big deal about
anything, does he?

- You must not be
angry with us, Sinbad.

- We only did what
we thought was right.

- Now you have shown us wisdom.

- Just go.
- Freedom.

- I'm not one to harbor
grudges for long.

- [Tom] Get out of here.

- Especially against
rich foolish merchants.

- [Crow] Take a walk.

- Know that you really care.

That you were interested only
in the glory of Copasand.

- [Joel] Get out.

- That's true, you're
a hero of Copasand.

- And if you want
all of our goods--

- [Tom] Not mine.

- They're yours to trade with.

Take them.

- [Joel] What, is ZZ
Top seeing 'em off?

- I bid you farewell.

- [Tom] Just go, Sinbad.

- And find happiness for us all.

- [Crow] Hey, look,
the Trojan Turkey.

- [Joel] Yeah, like
Sinbad goes to the store

and he's gotta call
a crowd in, you know.

- [Tom] Thank you.

Now just the ladies.

Thank you.

Thank you.

- [Crow] Is the crowd moving
or is the platform moving?

Cause the plot isn't moving.

- [Tom] I said he could go.

I didn't think that
he actually would.

- She's got a clacker hat.
- Oh neat.

Hey, those ships have scoliosis.

- [Tom] We're out of the harbor.

You can stop bowing now, Sinbad.

- [Joel] Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

- [Crow] This is God, now
concluding my broadcast day.

Boooop.

- [Joel] She's got dual
overhead tear ducts.

- [Crow] Handy.

- [Tom] Intermission.

And now act three.

- And so--
(Viewers start)

- [Crow] Must've missed his cue.

- Sinbad and his brave
crew set out to sea.

Far into the mysterious
regions of uncharted lands.

Far from the familiar faces
and sounds of Copasand.

Sailing into the troubled
waters of the barbaric dark.

- [Joel] Sounds
like God picked up

some extra bucks
doing voiceovers.

- [Tom] It looks
barbaric, doesn't it?

- [Joel] Tom Stewart killed me.

(fake vomiting)

♪ Toast and marmalade with tea

♪ Sailing ships upon the sea

- [Tom] Hey, it's
the guys from town!

They changed their outfits
right around to the other side.

- [Crow] Ah yes, the
Vikings of Sinbad.

- [Tom] The Guns of Navarone.

- [Joel] Hey, they just
discovered Easter Island.

- [Crow] Heh, they look
the Knights Who Say Ni.

- [Tom] Must be an overcrowding
problem on this island.

- [Joel] Sinbad
thinks he's so tough.

Oh brother.

- I think we will find that
we are not welcome here.

- [Crow] I sent my good
wishes to everybody.

- We come with
peace in our hearts.

- [Joel] And ants in our pants.

- If they wish to
have commerce with us,

we'll exchange goods
and be on our way.

- [Tom] Here, hang on
to that for me, will ya?

Thanks.

- [Joel] Dingo boots.

Check it out.

- Is to see what they know
of the bird of happiness.

- [Crow] We don't know anything.

- It's always possible.

- [Tom] It's like a
collective deer stand.

- [Joel] I claim
this land for all.

(Tom and Crow quack)

- Stop where you are.
- Okay.

- [Man On Horse] Who has
called you to come here?

- [Joel] We're discovering you.

- We arrive without invitation.

We've come from over the
seas to see your land.

- [Crow] To see your land.

- And in friendship, to mingle.

- [Tom] To get
some phone numbers.

- You'll see we
are a peaceful lot.

We hope to trade with you.

Come forward and
inspect our wares.

- [Tom] Rumple Minze, anybody?

- But we wish to be
friends with you.

- [Man On Horse]
Another step and

it will be the last
step you ever take here.

- [Crow] We'll turn ourselves
right around and leave.

- [Joel] Dig this, watch.

- Obviously, our host
wants us to leave.

But tell me one thing--

- [Tom] Why are you such a jerk?

- Have you got the
bird of happiness?

- [Crow] We have a
pretty friendly chicken.

- Happiness is to kill our foes.

- What a happiness.

Who wants that kind of life?

- We sometimes have to
kill to protect ourselves.

- [Joel] Could I put this down?

- As for happiness, never.

- [Tom] Apparently they
don't know who I am.

- [Sailor] People who
kill for happiness.

- [Crow] I heard that.

- [Man On Horse] They have
turned their backs to us.

Don't let them off the beach.

Kill them.
- Okay!

- Look out!
Sinbad!

- [Joel] Hey, they're heading
after him with shrimp forks.

- So the only way you
know is treachery.

So be it, barbarians.

The battle begins.

Come on, men, get them.

Go on.
- Neat.

- [Crow] Let's do it, catch me.

- [Tom] Whoa, huh?

Hey.
- Hey, neato.

- [Tom] They can only
do that once, though.

- [Crow] Yeah.

- [Joel] Ooh, he's
been caramelized.

- [Crow] He's hitting
him with his windbreaker.

- [Tom] Ooh, that zipper hurts.

(Joel thumps)

- [Crow] Roll another one.

(epic music)

- [Joel] Man, these
guys ae easy to kill.

- [Crow] Grandpa, no.

- Where do you
think you're going?

- My place is with him.

- You're too young to fight--

- [Tom] Tim, don't do it, Tim.

- [Crow] Ohh, ow, my hip.

Careful.

- [Joel] (cries out) Ow, my hip.

Your hip.

- [Tom] You can kill
them with a fork,

but please use a spoon.

- [Crow] It's the
Stone Wall Riots.

- [Joel] Fork all of ya.

- [Crow] Let go.

- [Tom] Ohp, probably shouldn't

have climbed on Sinbad's cape.

- Sinbad!
- I'm busy.

- [Tom] They paint
horses, don't they?

- [Crow] Hey, neigh means neigh.

- Help 'im get the horse there.

- [Barbarian] Get
that sail down.

- [Crow] Neigh,
what are you doing?

Dressing me up like I'm
Hoover or something?

- [Tom] Oh great.

(Crow laughs)

- [Joel] That guy's got the
wrong concept of a pony ride.

- [Crow] Whoo-hoo, your
hands cold, whoo-hoo.

- [Tom] Hey boss, I just
invented the Pony Express.

Get it?

- [Crow] Hey, I'm completely
capable of walking, thank you.

- [Tom] Hey fellas.

- [Joel] Did you see
that guy back there?

- [Crow] Looked pretty easy
but I don't know about that.

- [Joel] He's carrying a horse.

Jello tonight.
- No.

- You are the bravest
men I've ever known.

- [Tom] Thank you.

- We still must
search for the bird.

We can't let anything stop us.

- [Crow] Well, you're
certainly right, darling.

- [Tom] They did pretty good

for their first
season fight, huh?

(bird whistles)

- [Joel] Ah, it's
like glass out there.

I should be out water skiing.

(peaceful music)

- [Narrator] Due east--

- [Tom] Defeats Truman.

- [Narrator] The ships followed
the calls of exotic lands.

- [Crow] Hey, come over here.

- Rare spices--
- Rare.

- [Narrator] The crystal
palaces of Nashapur.

The many colored
gardens of Ababu.

The golden city of Bangalore.

- [Tom] The flint-colored
rocks of North Dacumbe.

- [Narrator] Until the
ships found themselves

on the coast of
mysterious India.

- [Crow] Hey, with
all those tents,

they could do a
Benny Hill sketch.

- [Joel] Hey, there's
George Harrison.

- [Tom] Yeah, hm.

Oh boy, this exotic
land is so different

from where we came from, oh boy.

- [Tom] Say, do you
have anything elephanty?

Sorta brassy-like trinkets
and stuff like that?

- [Joel] Hey, I'm
sacred, leave me alone.

- [Tom] It sure attracts lint.

- [Crow] Nobodies
gonna miss just one.

Come on, take it, easy.

It's just a banana, stay calm.

- [Tom] Come on, Polly.

Turn around and say
hello (bird squawk).

- [Joel] It's Rock
'em Sock 'Em Chickens.

(chickens cluck)

- Hey, look at the goods
from foreign lands here.

Rich goods, from foreign lands.

- [Tom] That's a
Junior Achievement.

- [Crow] No, he's not a
very skilled puppeteer.

- All of you, take a look
at what we have here.

- Take a look.

- [Tom] Oh man, these snakes
are all tangled up today.

- [Crow] That one goes
there (mumbles over snakes).

- [Tom] Where's that
Pronto Pup stand?

- Sinbad!

Sinbad!

- [Crow] You were great
in Necessary Roughness.

- I've discovered they
have a magic bird here,

which sings of happiness.

- I must see it at once.

- The Prince keeps it in a
golden tower behind seven walls.

- [Joel] Oh, they
shouldn't keep a bird

inside on such a nice day.

- No.
- Nuh-uh.

- There are a thousand
soldiers to guard it.

- I don't care.
- Careful, friend.

We must not rush into things.

This is a foreign place.

- But I must see this
bird at all cost.

- We must employ our
cunning here, Sinbad.

- [Tom] Watch Tripod rock.

- Their Prince loves good
steeds above all treasures.

Better than anything.

Do you understand me?

- [Crow] You're
gonna pull back a

bloody stump one of
these times, old man?

- Ah, that's wonderful.

(horns blow)

- [Tom] And now the
Aladdin proudly presents.

- [Crow] Please, spare
my trinket stand.

Oh, help me, please.

- [Joel] Hey,
suddenly it's after.

(all sing like Eastern
music instruments)

- [Tom] Ooh, ow, owie, chafe,
gotta get a case for thing.

- [Crow] Hm?

Well, this movie's
turned expensive.

(Tom sings along)
- See?

- [Tom] You know, you just

can't have too much
pageantry, huh?

(Tom hums along)

♪ Jumbo the Elephant

♪ Jumbo the Elephant and me

- Is it Kate Capshaw?
- No.

- [Tom] So what kind
of in-city mileage

do you think that
elephant gets here?

- [Joel] I know one
thing, they shouldn't have

come into the city
during rush hour.

That was a mistake.

- [Crow] It's the
Republican Convention.

Like with the elephant
and all the people and.

- [Joel] There's
the corn palace.

Leroy Neiman?

- Why do you not bow?

- We are free merchants,
from Copasand.

We come to sell our goods here.

Let me present
you with a sample,

- A sampo?
- As a gift.

- [Crow] I am not an animal.

Oh, I guess I am.

- Your horse?
- Oh yes.

- [Joel] Isn't is grand?

- What price will
you take for it?

- He is not for
sale, Your Highness.

Not to anyone.

- You surprise me that
you suffer me insolence.

- I cannot sell him,
and for that I regret.

But I might be talked into
trading him, if you like.

- [Tom] Negotiate anything.

- Why not?

State your trade.

- [Crow] Refrigerator repair.

- I hear that it
sings of happiness.

- [Tom] Yeah, well
you heard wrong.

- And that's what I
will take in trade.

- Impudent infidel.

Your presence here is insulting.

I shall have your fine
beast and your head.

The foot of my elephant
will crush you like a bug--

- [Tom] Give me five.

- And then the
horse will be mine.

- You cannot.

(Viewers cry out)

- [Crow] How's he doing that?

- See there?

This is a magic animal.

Whoever takes it away by force,

will be mortally
stricken immediately.

- Hmm.
- Oh dear.

Think of an offer.

- [Tom] He's not Sinbad.

Be careful, sweets.

- That's an excellent offer.

Let us play a game
of chess, merchant.

If you win, sir, the phoenix
of happiness is yours.

If not, the horse is mine.
- Okay.

- Well then, let's play.

- [Tom] You wanna?

(epic music)

- [Crow] This is what
the Boris Spassky,

Bobby Fischer match needed.

- [Joel] Hey, it's human
chess, like at the Ren Fest.

- [Tom] I wonder if Paula Abdul
did the choreography here.

- [Crow] This is really
a lot to go through

just to move your pawns
to queens knight three.

- [Tom] You mind?

I'm trying to think here.

- [Crow] They do this
for Pictionary, too.

- [Joel] Man, this is the most

twisted version of Battle
Chess I've ever seen.

- [Tom] There.

Isn't it kinda goofy having
all these dancers about?

- Bah.

- [Joel] That throne makes
him look like a peacock.

- [Tom] That Debbie, yes?

Okay, I'll call her Debbie.

Hello, Debbie.

- [Crow] I'll get it.

Dude.

- [Joel] Thank you,
thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Thank you.

♪ He moved

♪ He moved

♪ He just made a little move

- [Tom] Is this bugging you?

Is this bugging you?

I am not touching you.

Hello, look at me.

- [Joel] She's doing
an Ed Grimley dance.

- Sacrifice the bishop.

- [Tom] Santa bites the bishop?

- [Crow] Alright, I'm
gonna move this dilly-bob

over to this thingamajiggy here.

- [Tom] I heard the dickey
darndest thing at temple today.

More later.

They just castled
their brandy decanters.

- [Crow] You boys put down

Grandma's knick-knacks
this instant.

- [Tom] Here, take
my Queen Toots, yeah.

- Check.

- [Tom] Please.

- [Joel] Oh wow, I'm tripping.

- The steed is mine.

- [Tom] (evil laughter) Uh, oh.

- Pray forgive me
but you've lost.

- [Crow] What happened?

- Fools.

- [Tom] It's hard on
the help, that one.

- [Joel] Yeah.

- You have won.

You have my beautiful treasure.

However, it is best not
to contemplate treasures

you might not be
alive to appreciate.

- I'm not worried about it.

- [Joel] My name's in the title.

- It's my bird right now.

- You have won.

(retro 80's music)

- [Crow] So the emperor business
treating you pretty good?

- [Tom] What happened, sir?

Did you win?

I couldn't tell from back here.

Bet you really dusted him,
didn't you, sir, yeah?

- [Joel] Clap on, clap off.

It's a clapper.

(doors rumble open)

- [Crow] Somebody just flush?

- [Joel] Well, help yourself.

Have at it.

- Collect it.

- [Crow] Get the whole set.

- [Tom] Come on, you mogs.

Nice dress (dumb laugh).

- [Joel] Dress (giggles)?

I get it.

- [Crow] You're
looking pretty smug.

- [Tom] Heh-heh-heh-heh,

like taking candy from a--

(door slams) Oh.

- How are we to get back?

- Nevermind that now.

- Do not worry until
it is necessary.

- Do you wish to see
the bird of happiness?

- Yes.
- Very well then.

- [Joel] I didn't
mean to yell at ya.

Come on.

- [Tom] Look, they
worship Gilbert Godfried.

Oh.

- [Crow] Is this really the best

away team he could have chosen?

(heavy breathing)

- [Joel] Hey, it was in the
first place they looked.

Whaddya know?

- [Crow] Welcome to the State
Capitol, Madison, Wisconsin.

- [Joel] That's not the
bluebird of happiness.

That's the penguin of giddiness.

- [Tom] No, it's the
grackle of valtsmirch.

- [Crow] It's the
grebe of obstinance.

- [Tom] So is this all it does?

- [Crow] It's not
dead, it's resting.

- [Joel] Whatever it is, it's
too big for the living room.

- [Crow] Get the
boy out of here.

- [Tom] About time somebody
came to clean my cage.

I've been out of
cuttle bones for ages.

(whistles)

- [Joel] You know,
they also have

a dog in there with
Alan Alda's head.

It's pretty neat, yup.

- [Crow] Welp, we need the eggs.

- [Joel] What do
you think, Grady?

- [Crow] I gots to
agree with 'em, Fred.

- [Joel] I like it,
it's blue and funny.

- [Bird] Draw unto the
carcass, seekers of happiness.

You are on the threshold of
the land of blissful calm.

- [Tom] Blissful
calm (whistles).

- You have spent long years in

the pursuit of happiness,
and the good things in life.

♪ Burn, baby, burn

♪ Disco inferno

- Nothing but a void.

- [Tom] Nothing but
a void (whistles).

- Naked--
- As a jaybird.

- And alone as land
upon the Earth.

- [Tom] On the Earth (whistles).

- [Joel] Are those
buffalo wings?

- Forever.

- [Crow] Hey, do
the nevermore bit?

- [Tom] At least she's
not molting anymore.

- [Bird] Woe to him who
tries to grasp happiness--

- [Tom] Happiness (whistles)

- [Bird] By a conscious act.

- [Tom] Conscious
act (whistles).

- Happiness is calm.

- [Crow] Well excuse
the heck out of us.

- [Bird] Sleep.

- [Tom] Whoa, I drank
too much cherry Nyquil.

(Crow yawns)

- [Bird] Look at me until
tears veil your eyes.

- [Tom] Dah, one.

- And go to sleep.
- Two.

- Sleep the long sleep.
- The big sleep.

- [Tom] Romper bomper
stomper boo (laughs).

Neat, huh?

Enjoy the light show here, huh?

(Joel and Crow snore)

♪ Safe and restful sleep

♪ Sleep

♪ Sleep

- Sleep.

- [Tom] Now operate
heavy machinery.

(laughs) Guys?

- A calm bliss.
- Guys? (snoring)

- A blissful calm.
Sleep.

- [Tom] Oh, I hate
going to Gramma's.

That's another good one, guys?

Hey look, her battery
needs recharging.

Guys, come on.

Can we zoom in on that pore?

Oh, I'm killing 'em.

Guys? (all start)

- [Sinbad] Wake up--

- [Tom] And smell the coffee.

- Wake up--

- [Tom] And smell the coffee!

- [Crow] Did I miss my route?

- [Joel] Santa came.

- [Tom] Quick, get Hearts
Mountain on the phone.

- This is not the
bird we are after.

- [Crow] It ain't
blue, it's cobalt.

- You could never offer
the people happiness.

Your song is a lie.

Could it feed the starving?

Comfort the sick?

- [Tom] Please, I'm
a very good woman.

I'm just a very bad, blue bird.

- But we'll take her with us.

- Right you are.

- [Joel] Looks like
a lot of jello molds

up there on the ceiling.

- [Tom] As Jim wrestled
with the bluebird,

I found myself safe
in the chopper,

and with Mutual of
Omaha, you can find

yourself safe in
the chopper, too.

- [Crow] Can you please
put that on high, Steve?

♪ Love child

♪ Love child

♪ Never meant to be

- [Tom] Achiba.
(Crow vocalizes whip)

- [Joel] Wha-ta.

(all vocalize Japanese
movie fighting)

- [Tom] That's the
belly-less dancers.

You see cause--

- [Crow] There's the church.

There's the steeple.

- [Tom] One Grecian urn.

- [Joel] Wow, look at 'em go.

- [Crow] Do you believe this?

- Well?

(blows raspberry)

- My Lord, now they are ready.

- [Joel] The Pizza
Pockets are ready.

- Go, and bring
their heads to me.

- [Crow] Okay, boss.

♪ Yo-Re-O

♪ Be-Yo-Ro

♪ Be-Yo

- [Tom] Wonder whose
heads he meant?

We'll find out when
we get there, right?

(fighting)

- [Crow] About those
heads, they're on the way.

No problem with the heads.

- [Joel] Spot me.

- [Tom] We've come out
alive from a dummy.

- Harpo's coming!
- Honk honk honk.

- [Tom] It's quittin' time.

- [Crow] He's got great legs
under that thing, doesn't he?

- [Joel] Hey, I wanna talk
to ya about that bird thing.

Get back here.
- Oh, poopy.

- Well now.
- They're afraid of us.

- [Tom] Four neat guys.

- The Prince does not
like losing to us.

- Where have they gone so fast?

- Best we make our departure.
- Yeah.

- [Crow] Now Harpo's
after the guys.

- [Tom] Merchant ivory, like
you've never seen it before.

Big and bold.

♪ We are the men from Texaco

- [Crow] One, and two, and up.

Kick those thighs up.

Come on.

- [Tom] Kong's coming.
- Kong.

- Kong.
- Kong is coming.

It is coming.

Kong is coming.
Kong.

- [Tom] What is this?

Birth of a rhythm nation?

(laughs) Boom.

- [Crow] Tom, Joel?

I want you guys to know that
I love you, and I always will.

- [Tom] That's nice, honey.

- [Crow] Hey, look up there.

- What?
- Where?

I don't see it.
- No.

Oh, look, here comes the
world's slowest assault team.

- [Joel] Hey, Paul Wellstone,
right in the middle.

There he is.
- Whaddya know?

- What are we going to do?

- Be strong.

- Use your magic
bird to stop them.

- [Tom] Use your own magic bird.

- Sing your song, Phoenix.

Sing your song, wise bird.

And put them to sleep at once.

(Tom hacks and coughs)

- Go ahead, sing you--

- [Joel] Hey, watch the fin.

- Sing.
- Guy?

- Sing or I'll
pull them all out.

- [Tom] Oh, she fell
asleep on a cherry sucret.

- Hear my voice.

Forget all else.

- [Joel] Hey, she's
doing Marlena Dietrich.

- I know.
- Sleep deeply all men.

For sleep is the only true--

- This again.
- Hey, hey, wait.

Where's Crow?

- [Tom] I don't know.

Crow?

- [Joel] I don't
know where he is.

- My sweet song, peace--

- [Tom] Look, she's doing her
Garrison Keillor effect here.

Crow?

- Sleep.

- [Tom] Oh, next up, more of
that banjo and fiddle crap.

Coming up next.

- [Joel] We should go find Crow.

- You getting worried about--
- Yeah.

- [Tom] Crow?

- [Joel] I don't
see him anywhere.

- Crow?
- Crow?

(doors slide and slam shut)

- I couldn't find him anywhere.

- Ditto.

- Listen, did you check under
the control room stairwell?

Remember that one time he
took a bunch of cookies

and wedged himself under
there for about eight hours?

- No, he wasn't there, either.

But I found a Jolly
Rancher Firestick

with a little hair on it.

It had a really weird taste.

Kinda like Tabasco
sauce and Silly Putty.

I can't really recommend it.

- Tom, would you knock it off?

We're trying to find Crow.

- Maybe we should read
the note on the desk here.

- Okay, uh, guys, on
lifelong quest like Sinbad.

- He's not Sinbad.
- Tom?

- Sorry, sorry.

- Okay, guys, on lifelong
quest like Sinbad.

Shot myself out airlock.

Never returning.

Ham in fridge.

Crow.

- Huh.

- [Crow] Crow T. Robot
to Satellite of Love One.

Come in, Satellite of Love One.

- What? That's Crow.

The little fella must have taken

a communication
headset with him.

Come in, Crow.

- [Crow] Oh it's Joel, hi.

So, I took some
thrusters and shot myself

out the airlock to go on
my lifelong quest thingy.

It's not going real well.

Thrusters are out of
control, real cold,

and right now it seems as
though my doom is imminent.

So how are you?

- I'm fine, Crow,
but where are you?

- [Crow] I'm right
outside the ship.

- Get me rocket
number nine, quick.

- [Crow] Hi, I'll try
to fly past the window.

- There he goes.

- [Crow] Still haven't got

the hang of these
thruster things.

- Ah, Crow, this is Tom, hi.

If you're gonna die out
in the cold void of space,

can I have that Toblerone you've
been hiding under your bed?

- [Crow] Oh, I'm gonna die.

It's a given.

- Crow, you're not gonna die.

You just need to
slow yourself down

and get to one of the airlocks.

- [Crow] Slow myself
down (beep and crashing).

Owie, why do these
stupid antennae

have to stick out like this?

Oh, my hinder.

- Crow, I've got a feeling it's
just about commercial sign,

so we're gonna have to leave.

- [Crow] You guys go ahead.

I'm fine.

- There he goes.
- Whoa, there you are.

- Listen, Crow,
reverse your thrusters

and steer yourself back
to one of the airlocks.

On my way to theater, I'll
set them to external control.

- [Crow] Okay, sounds great.

I'm dead.

- We got a commercial sign here.

- He doesn't stand a chance.

We'll be right back.

(retro 80's music)

I can almost taste
that Toblerone.

- [Joel] Boy, I hope
Crow gets back in here.

- [Narrator] The great
wonders of the Earth.

(mechanical static)

(crashing and tumbling)

- [Joel] Golly.

Geez.

- [Crow] Came in
through the airlock.

Pretty easy.

- [Joel] Geez.

That was a close one.

- [Narrator] With
nothing but treachery

and futility as my reward.

And the Sphinx was verdant.

Find your happiness in Copasand.

- [Tom] You big loser.

- [Joel] Oh, he's holding
the remote control

for the slide projector.
- Oh!

- [Crow] Wait a minute,
I'm Sinbad, dammit.

- [Joel] Uh, Earth to Sinbad.

Hello, come in, Sinbad.

- [Tom] I'm a failure.

Lower than a weevil.

Next slide, please.

Thank you.

I'm feeling really bad.

- [Joel] I pledge
allegiance to the flag of--

- [Tom] Dorothy?

Dorothy, where are you?

- [Crow] Oh, hi.

- [Joel] What?

A big statue of George
Washington, the hell?

- It's the Sphinx.
- Oh.

- I must decide--

- [Crow] Hi, this is Dan Murray.

Welcome to Las Vegas.

- Hoist the sails for Copasand.

- [Tom] We can't.

We used them to wrap the horse.

- And return to our home.

- [Joel] Man, this
has been like waiting

for Gadeau on the high seas.

- [Crow] Those
sails were filthy.

It's good they sent 'em
out to be dry cleaned.

- [Tom] Hoist the
failure sails, mates.

We're going home.

♪ We're going home

♪ Our heads are bowed

♪ We failed

- [Tom] Boy, that
blew in quick, huh?

- [Joel] Kinda looks
like they sailed

right into the rinse cycle.

- [Crow] Hang on, Bucky.

Hang on, Bucky.

- [Tom] The Tidy
Bowl Races of 1993.

- [Crow] Look at the sails.

They're Mickey cake sails.

Look out, Mr. Maxwell!

- [Joel] I've glued
you all to the boats

and put rods into your
limbs for a reason.

(Tom coughs)

- Ohp, we lost one.
- Damn.

- [Tom] There goes another one.

- [Crow] Listen, why don't
we all take are furs off?

(Tom and Crow cough)

- [Joel] Wait a minute.

Pay toll ahead, 30 cents
per axle, what next?

(all gargle)

- [Tom] Don't worry.

This should burn off by noon.

- [Crow] Hey, we're
shooting the tube, man.

Wooo!

- [Joel] Well, we're
just gonna get wet now.

That's all there is to it.

- I have failed you, my friends.

I had forgotten
about King Neptune,

and did not make him an
offering as I should.

- [Tom] Oh yeah.

- I know something
will satisfy him.

There must be a human sacrifice.

- [Tom] Why is
everybody lookin' at me?

- I led you here.

And if there is to be a
sacrifice, it shall be me.

(Viewers cheer)

- We shall draw lots for this.

- That we shall, Sinbad.

We are all brothers
and so must share

the good things and the bad.
(all agree)

- Wait a minute, friends--

- [Crow] I'll bring Neptune
out in just a minute.

- I am heavily
indebted to Neptune

so I shall go into the sea.

- [Joel] Okay, fine.

- I have one last favor to--
- Nope, nope.

No time for that, in you go.

- Throw a cypress boat
onto the water for me.

And give me my harp
to take with me.

- [Crow] No, don't let
him take the harp, please.

- Do not cry now, Abidad.

- [Tom] I'm not
crying, my face is wet.

- Another time, and you
shall be a man then.

- [Joel] Yeah, right, whatever.

You wanna hop in, Sinbad?

It's getting bad out here.

- [Crow] We lost two guys.

You don't have to go now.

- Remember me to Lubiria, and
the good people of Copasand.

- [Joel] Goodbye, Sinbad.

- [Tom] Think you're
missing your wave.

There it goes.

- I am coming to you, Neptune.

- [Joel] No, wait, stop, don't.

- [Crow] Make sure he's not
holding onto a rope or anything.

- [Tom] Whack him with an oar.

- [Crow] Is that his hand?

(Tom gargles)

- [Joel] There he is now.

He's standing on
an air mattress.

(Tom gargles)

- [Crow] Might try
getting under the water.

Works better that way.

- [Joel] I'll be going
down in a minute, honestly.

I'll be right down.

- [Crow] Sinbad, old boy,
you're out too far, man.

- [Joel] Yeah, thanks for
sacrificing yourself, Sinbad.

(gargles)

- [Tom] We will
return to The Tempest.

(vocalized motorboat)

- [Crow] Hey, I'm actually
making pretty good time here.

(gargling)

- Well.
- Hm.

- [Crow] Hello, breakfast.

- [Tom] Which way
did she say again?

Oh, what the heck
did she say again?

I'll just wing it.

- [Narrator] Down, down, down--

- [Crow] Rock lobster.

- [Narrator] There, before
his astonished eyes,

was the miraculous
kingdom of Neptune.

- [Tom] And the
capital of Neptuneburg.

- [Narrator] Which revealed the

splendor of the magical
city below the sea.

- [Joel] You don't have
a wet dry vac, do ya?

- Precious than I am on land?

- And I say iron
is more precious.

- Not so.
- I say it is so.

- Not so and how dare you--
- Scuse me?

- [Tom] Mr. And Mrs. Neptune.

- I am king.
I rule everything.

- I rule here also, and you
must obey me if you want

peace here in this kingdom
without any trouble from me.

- I am ruler.
- I also.

- I am ruler and you
will do what I tell you,

or I will send you
back to your Mother.

- [Crow] I remember
this routine from radio.

- [Joel] Sting is here.

- We have been waiting for you.

- [Crow] How come water
isn't wet underwater?

- I have it here with me, sire.

- Well then play.

- He looks a great deal
like my cousin, Dermra.

- How can you say that?

He looks nothing like
Dermra, just look at him.

- Dermra.
- Just look at him.

- Dermra.

- Will you stop
arguing with me--

- [Crow] Don't talk
about the boy, Martha.

- Dermra!

- Tell her you
look nothing at all

like her stupid cousin, Dermra.

- He's not stupid.

- Allow me, sire,
to play some music

for you and for the Queen.

- [Joel] So you'll shut up.

- Something that
might cheer me up.

(harp music)

♪ Let's start at
the very beginning

- [Joel] David Crosby?

- [Crow] Sir, sir,
we're underwater

but we still have standards.

- [Joel] Hey, he put a
quarter in the throne

and now he gets to ride it.

- Get away from me, silly cat.

- [Tom] Kill me.

Kill me.

Kill me, kill me.

Please God, kill me.

- [Crow] Go ahead.

Play something that
might cheer me up.

- [Joel] Drink up, everyone.

Club Octopi will be
closing in five minutes.

- [Tom] It's the Ice
Capades with Jill Trenary.

- [Crow] Ah, sir,
I really should be
getting back to my men.

- [Joel] You know
that ceiling octopus

really helps with
the circulation.

- [Tom] You know I kinda wish
they'd celebrate internally.

- [Crow] Is this supposed
to be Sinbad's stomach?

- [Tom] Are you humming?

- [Joel] Is there a
phone I could use?

I just have to
make a quick call.

- Faster, Sinbad, faster.

- [Crow] Do you know any
Rimsky Korsakov cause he--

- [Tom] Bugs me the way
he's playing that thing.

(retro 80's music)

(epic music)

- [Joel] Hey, that sacrifice
is really working out, Sinbad.

- [Crow] Stroke, stroke, stroke,

drown, drown, drown (gargling).

- [Joel] Now wait a
minute, how does that work?

- [Crow] I'm trying
to play, do you mind?

- Ships been wrecked?

Crews been drowned?

- [Tom] Grandpa
fell down the well?

- [Neptune] What just happened?

- [Joel] I'm gonna
save you for later.

You stopped the music.

- My harp string, sire.

- [Crow] The salt water
messed up the tuning.

- I must return to the earth
in order to get new ones.

(Neptune awws and Tom mocks)

- He'll go back
to earth and, and

he'll never come back again.

- Yes.

To insure your return, you
must marry one of my daughters.

- [Tom] Or leave your license.

- [Neptune] Are
they not beautiful?

- [Queen] Anyone would be lucky

to have you for a
husband, Sinbad.

- Pick one.

Pick the one you like
the best, my son.

- [Tom] Daughter
number one wears

a star on her head and
is fond of grouper.

- [Crow] Number two, if I
came home late one night,

what would you say?

- Tell Father that I
am the one you choose.

- [Joel] I'm not gonna
choose the infant of Prague.

- But I cannot marry you.

- I know all about your Lubiria.

- [Crow] Hey, that cleared up.

- I will help you once more.

- [Tom] He's got a nice
embouchure, doesn't he?

- Here is my choice.

- You don't want that one.

She's the favorite
of all my children.

Pick another.

- No, only this one.

- How dare you speak
to me like that?

You are only a guest
in this kingdom,

and you shall do
as I tell you or

you will not live to rights.

- Try Mother now.

- [Tom] Poopy, please.

- Now wasn't I
offered my choice?

- But you shall
have your choice.

- And I say he will
not marry Morgiana.

- And I say he shall.
- And I say he won't.

- He shall or you'll regret it.

- [Crow] You knuckleknobs.

- I do not care (sobs).

- [Joel] Boy, they
started early today.

Weird.

- [Tom] Here, quickly, follow
me down the fallopian tube.

- [Joel] Boy, now she's
got so much planning to do.

She's got to register,
pick out a bridesmaid.

- [Crow] You want
a carrot, Sinbad?

- [Joel] This started getting
weird a little while ago,

didn't it?
- Yup yup.

- I cannot marry you,
oh lovely princess.

- [Crow] I have Lubiria.

- You must know that I can't.

- [Crow] It's eating
onto my embouchure.

- Please stop worrying, Sinbad.

Your freedom is
going to be spared.

- I love her very much indeed.

- I know.
- With all my heart.

- [Joel] I understand
completely.

- Forgive me for this.

- [Joel] Hey, no problem here.

- It must be.

- [Joel] Well, beat it.

- Fate willed it so.

- [Crow] Hey, there's
plenty of fish in the sea.

- Very much.
- Yes, with all my heart.

- [Joel] And part of my spleen,

and a little bit of my liver.

- I cannot be angry with
you for this refusal.

- [Crow] So goodbye.

- You are very
proud of your love.

It is a wonderful thing.

- [Tom] To see you leave.

- So what can I do to help you?

- You have helped
me so much already.

- [Joel] Do you validate?

- [Crow] Welp, gotta go.

- But there is one more favor.

If I could get back to land--

- [Tom] And I've
always wanted a pony.

- Alright, my friend.

- [Joel] And could you
introduce me to Darryl Hannah?

- I will try.

- He's taken away my favorite.

My favorite little daughter.

- [Crow] Gotta go
sleep with Luca Brazi.

- [Tom] Somebody
pulled my tail (cries).

- Make haste, Sinbad,

and stop for nothing
until you reach home.

- [Joel] Man, I've done some
weird things before but wow.

- I shall never see
you again, Sinbad.

- I shall bless
you in my prayers.

♪ Marble the Mustang

- [Tom] How do you
work this thing?

- [Joel] There goes
a stupid, stupid man.

- [Crow] It's
unforgiven underwater.

- He's running away.
- Huh?

- Sinbad's escaped.
- I'm drunk.

- Sinbad's escaped?

Get me my chariot.

I'll catch the scoundrel.

- [Tom] Doh, I did it again.

- [Joel] Oh man, it's
a team of prawns.

- [Crow] Boy, he's really
hugging this seahorse.

- [Tom] Ease up, buddy.

I got an exoskeleton,
for crying out loud.

- [Crow]
Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh,
Atlantis.

Cause it's underwater.
- Yeah.

- [Joel] Fly, monkeys!

Oh I mean, seahorse.

- [Tom] This didn't
really happen.

- [Crow] Leave me alone.

(dramatic music)

- [Joel] (gargles) You
want me to wait, pal?

- [Crow] That's okay.

- [Tom] Hey, I won.

- [Joel] He's kissing a gopher.

- [Crow] She's been standing
there for six years.

- [Tom] Whoa,
gotta go, gotta go.

Really bad.

All that water and gotta go.

- Lubiria?

- [Joel] And it's treatable.

- I have returned.

- [Crow] Nothing happened
between me and the sea babe.

♪ Here we come back

Look at that, he's
there already.

We left before him.

- [Crow] Sinbad's back, day off!

- Come on.
- We're off again.

- Hey, guess who's back?
- Stop working, everybody.

It's him.
- Day off, Sinbad again.

Let's go.
Down to the docks.

For crying out loud,
I can't believe this.

- [Joel] Well, they got
the failure sails up.

- [Crow] Go away.

Big plague here.
Go away.

Death and stuff.

- [Joel] Oh, the merchants
are acting up again.

♪ We're gonna make it after all

- [Tom] So, Sinbad,
how 'bout that

bluebird of happiness, huh?

- [Villager] Where is Sinbad?

- [Joel] Now where's Waldo?
There he is.

- He is no more.

- Here I am, my friends.

I have returned to you.

(Viewers boo)

- [Crow] This guy's
like a bad penny.

- [Tom] Get 'im
guys, tear him up.

(crowd cheers)

Everybody--

♪ Welcome the failures

♪ They have failed again

- Did you find the
bird of happiness?

- There is no bird.

- Then where is happiness?

- Here, it's been here always.

- [Joel] Oh, bogus,
everybody go back home.

- Our ships have been
around the world--

- [Joel] Oh great.

- We've seen amazing
and marvelous things.

- [Crow] You went
to the Quad-Cities.

- To compare with our own home.

(Viewers start)

- [Joel] Let's get out of here.

- Follow your
hearts to happiness.

- [Joel] Stop
looking into my soul.

- [Crow] Hey, what about me?

What's going on?

Where am I?

(doors sliding and slamming)

- Hey, look who's decided
to visit the ship today.

It's the lovable,
huggable channel cat

from the underwater scenes
in this week's Sinbad movie.

- That wasn't Sinbad.

- Wow, is that ever boss.

- I'm really happy
to be here, Crow.

- It knows my name.

Wait a minute.

- And how's Tom Servo?

- Fine, thanks for
asking, Channel Ca--

wait a minute.

You're not the same fish
from the Sinbad movie.

- That wasn't Sinbad.

- Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

- Yep yep yep, there's no way
that fish is from the movie.

He's doing something.

- Yeah, I hear you big time.

That thing's no more
alive than I am.

What's it made out of?

If I had to guess
I'd say some sort of

aluminum armature with
a webbing of pneumatics,

but still I don't
see any tubes off it

or a compressor anywhere.

- No no no, Crow.

Just look at the action he's
getting with that thing.

It's definitely not
audio animatronics.

Now if my guess is
right, and it usually is,

I bet my wife that
Joel rotosculpted

the fish from the movie,
digitized and copied

extra frames of
the mouth movement,

and then simply used a
laser projector to mat

the fish footage over his hand.

Then there's just a small
matter of adding the voice,

which he's obviously
doing himself.

- No, no way, I'm
definitely seeing and

rendering this thing
in three dimensions.

Nope, sorry, Tommy.

- Ah, geez, Crow, it defies
any kind of explanation.

- Oh, look at that thing.

Those eyes, weird, huh?

- Hey, how's Tom--
(Crow starts)

And Crow?
- It knows what I'm thinking.

Get out of my head (yells).

Mommy.

- How's Tom today?

(Tom yells)

- Help me, help me.

- We gotta read...

Ohp, we gotta read
a letter here?

Put this up on
Still Store, okay?

Put that up there.

Okay, that one, too.

And this is from Elden Crissy,
age seven, and they write,

Dear Joel, Crow, Tom,
Servo, and Gypsy,

I like your show a lot.

Whenever me and my dad watch
it, we can't stop laughing.

My favorite episode
was when a man

pointed to another man and
Crow yelled, "Pull my finger."

- What happened?

- Well, the thing tried to
jump me so I had to kill it.

Pretty much.

- Whaddya think, sirs?

- Did you see that?

He was using his
hand the whole time.

- Hi, TV's Frank.

My name is Fisty.

- Well if that don't
beat all (laughs).

How come they call ya Fisty?

- Here's why.
- That's Fisty.

(smack)

- Nice job, Fisty.

Push the button, will you?

- Live to serve.

(somber orchestral music)

(laughter)