Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 6, Episode 3 - Swamp Diamonds - full transcript

♫ In the not-too-distant future

♫ Next Sunday AD

♫ There was a guy named Joel

♫ Not too different from you or me

♫ He worked at Gizmonic Institute

♫ Just another face in a red jumpsuit

♫ He did a good job cleaning up the place

♫ But his bosses didn't like him

♫ So they shot him into space

♫ We'll send him cheesy movies

♫ The worst we can find

♫ He'll have to sit and watch them all

♫ And we'll monitor his mind

♫ Now keep in mind Joel can't control

♫ Where the movies begin or end

♫ Because he used those special parts

♫ To make his robot friends

♫ Robot Roll Call

♫ Cambot

♫ Gypsy

♫ Tom Servo

♫ Crow

♫ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes

♫ And other science facts

♫ Then repeat to yourself

♫ It's just a show

♫ I should really just relax

♫ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♫

(laughing)

- Oh, what are you guys doing,

you're supposed to be
helping me crunch numbers

for that navigational plot thing.

- I'm not going back, Jim.

- Oh, come on, not this again.

You guys, I've been waiting!

- I'm in love, Jim.

- Hi everybody, welcome
to the satellite of love.

I'm Joel Robertson.

If you haven't already noticed,

my bots Tom Servo and Crow

seem to be obsessing on the

Elias Sandoval episode of Star Trek.

- I like it here on
Omicron Seti three, Jim.

- It really is wonderful
here, Captain Kirk.

- [Voiceover] Five seconds
to commercial sign.

Can I be of any help, Joel.

- No, I just have to get 'em mad,

and then they seem to snap out of it.

You're incapable of feeling love Spock.

- I would not say such
things if I were you, Jim.

- You belong in the circus Spock,

right next to the dog face boy.

- That's enough, Captain.

- We'll be right back.

(laughing)

- Give us a kiss.

('80s music)

- But does she know what
she's getting, Spock?

Your mother was a computer,

and your father was an encyclopedia.

- My mother was a teacher
and my father an ambassador.

- Knock it off, you two!

Ant Dem and Lemon are calling.

- [Voiceover] Now remember,
Hobie, you stay away

from the kids down by the liquor store.

- Hey!

- Baywatch can wait for now, Frank.

With the money we earn
from this week's invention,

we won't have to watch Baywatch.

We'll be able to live it.

- So that means I can be
just like David Hasselhoff.

I'd better practice sucking in my gut!

- You're one to talk, eh Frank.

- Ha ha ha ha ha ha, hey!

- Well, boobie, our invention this week

is based on those new
high-priced TVs that allow you

to check out several other
channels on those small screens,

while you watch one
program on the big screen.

Our invention does that one better.

You see, it actually allows you

to check out and see
what you would be doing

in your life at that moment

if you weren't at home watching TV.

It's called the u-view.

Check it out, Frank.

- [Voiceover] The price is $180

coming to you for only $29.

Quantities are limited.

- Hey!

It's a beautiful, bright, sunny day out.

What's this?

Michele Pfeiffer, Debra
Winger, and Holly Hunter

are motioning for me to come over

and join them in a game of Touch football?

Wow!

They needed a fourth player

and I just happened along, wow!

Hey!

That's Elvis Costello!

He just happened to walk by and he's,

looks like he is asking us
to come over to his house

to hear some new songs he's working on.

Wow, so that's what would have happened

if I had gone out today.

Boy I'm really glad I

stayed inside to

watch

Baywatch.

- Let me try that.

I'm sitting in a Perkins
looking at a menu.

Well that doesn't seem to be
like I'm missing anything.

Whoa, Henry Kissinger and
Richard Nixon are surely

approaching my table.

They are shaking my hands,
patting me on the back.

Henry is giving me a Kissinger
and associates sweatshirt.

Nixon is, what is he doing?

He's pointing at the menu.

Ah, he's recommending the club sandwich.

Oh, I do love this, Frank,

but not as much as I love sitting
at home watching Baywatch.

- [Voiceover] Oh, no!

I'm in big trouble!

I never should have hung out with the kids

down by the liquor store.

- Well, Sirs, our invention may look like

just an ordinary Weber Grill,

but it's much, much more than that.

- Yes, it's the Andrew Lloyd Weber Grill.

- Yeah, everybody, come and get it.

I got a whole ream of
Andrew Lloyd Weber scores,

and they are all ready to barbecue.

- Yes, now you can take
out your aggression on

the theater world's most
inescapable troll-like composer.

- Just stick any of his
many overblown scores

in the Andrew Lloyd Weber Grill,

and they'll burn quickly and efficiently.

- Whether it's Cats or
Phantom of the Opera,

Starlight Express or Evita.

- Hey, wait, I kinda like Evita.

- No time for sentiment, Joel.

We've got to burn Aspects
of Love and Chess.

- Wait a minute!

Andrew Lloyd Weber didn't write Chess.

It was Tim Rice and those guys from ABBA.

- Oh, I think the Andrew Lloyd Weber Grill

can handle them.

And we might as well
bring the score to Annie,

while we are at it.

- Hey, what do you think, Sirs.

(coughing)

- Oh, man!

Elvis is holding up a picture of

Andrew Lloyd Weber and making fun of it.

Holly, Debra, Michelle and
I are having a good laugh

at his expense, we're having a great time.

Why did I stay inside today?

Why, why, why?

Oh, wow, McKenna's Gold is on!

- Well, Joel your experiment this week

will make you wish you were singing duets

with Patty LuPone at
Mandy Patinkin's house.

It's an experiment in
patting from Roger Corman,

and it's called Swamp Diamonds.

But first, a short film called

'What to do on a Date?'

You should be able to relate
to that, will you Frank?

- Shhh.

- Alright, who wants an overture?

- I do.

(alarm blaring)

(screaming)

(coughing)

- I need to know what not to do on a date.

- I should have a PHD in dating.

- No, no, this is like having
your mom tell you about sex.

- These two are on a date?

- No no no no.

- [Voiceover] This is a story
about what to do on a date.

- Goofus and gallant?

- [Voiceover] It begins
one early summer afternoon.

It begins with Jeff.

- Good one, Jeff.

- [Voiceover] And Kay.

- And a human ear.

- [Voiceover] And Nick.

- I meant to do that.

- Bye, Nick!

What a loser.

- [Voiceover] Of course
you may not have a problem

about what to do on a date.

But Nick, well, he has
a real dating problem.

If he took Kay out on a date,

what would they do?

Where would they go?

(glass shattering)

- Dead ass!

- No you can't eject puberty.

It has to happen over time.

- Just a minute, Jeff.

I'll get my tennis racket.

- Okay, Nick, but hurry.

- Now, Jeff, would you quit stalking me?

- Bet he wishes he had a
life, man what a loser!

- My God!

Kay's been missing since last February!

- Hey, what about asking Kay to come

to the community center with us on Friday,

to fix up that scavenger sale.

We can make it a double date.

- You looked in my book, didn't you?

- What!

- You heard what I said.

(mimicking bird calls)

- Take a girl on a date?

Helping to save the scavenger sale?

Is it?

- Why not?

- On a first date?

- First date?

- Yeah, Kay is a swell girl.

(grunting)

I was thinking of calling her.

Maybe ask her to the show Friday.

Good picture, wagon train.

- Well, hurry up and call her.

Let's get going.

I still have to get my things.

- Call her now?

- Sure!

You know the number, don't you?

- Okay.

- But I have a forever plaid audition.

- I'm kidding, I'm
kidding, hang up the phone.

- With each dial, he
comes closer and closer

to the most humiliating
moment of his life.

- What if she says no?

- She will.

- Hello, Kay?

- No.

- This is Nick Baxter.

- No.

- Oh, hello, Nick.

How are you?

- I hurt inside.

- Fine, thanks.

Say, Kay, this Friday,
would you like to see

Wagon Train at the movies?

- I didn't think so, bye.

- Oh, sorry, Nick.

I suppose you've got your
mind made up to see it?

- You've seen it?

She's already seen it.

- Hang up.

- Well ask her about the scavenger sale.

Go ahead.

- Kay, you wouldn't want to
help get the scavenger sale

ready at the community center, would you?

- How many ways can I say no?

- I've been hearing about that.

Yes, I'd like to very much.

- Is it okay if I bring
my boyfriend, Dave?

- You would?

Alright.

I'll club for you then.

About seven?

Bye.

- I better change my pants.

- I sure didn't think she'd go

to a place like that for a date.

- With a loser like me.

- Where's my racket?

- I should spank myself.

- Oh, ready?

- You know, you'd better
think some more, fellow,

about what to do on a date.

- She said yes, okay?

- Do you think we'll have a good time?

- What do you suppose I'll have to do?

- Oh, yeah, who wouldn't have a good time?

♫ June is busting out all over ♫

- Erin Copeland throws a party.

- [Voiceover] So, you may not have thought

of this sort of thing as
a place to take a date.

But it looks like it could be fun.

- Doesn't it?

Doesn't it?

- Boy, this is fun, with the huge lamps

and the festoonery.

- This party is getting out of control!

- [Voiceover] A group,
doing things together.

- Hurts.

- [Voiceover] Pretty good
idea, for a first date.

Plenty to do, plenty of people to talk to.

- Plenty of opportunities
to screw up big time.

- [Voiceover] But let's see
if Nick and Kay are enjoying.

- No amount of dust could make
this thing look any older.

- Boy that is an old timer.

- The dust comment proves to be

a major miscalculation on Kay's part.

- It is an old timer.

What was I thinking?

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

- Kay's worked on the kill floor,

she knows where to deliver the blow.

- Can you help me put this sign up?

- Oh, sure.

- Sure, I'll do everything.

This relationship is suffocating me.

- I can't quite reach that.

- How's this?

- Look at this gangly oaf.

- Oh, ow, son of a.

- Say, Kay--

- Will you marry me?

- Are you having a good time?

- Of course, I am.

I'm glad you thought of coming here.

- So am I.

- I remember when I was that age.

- Yes, it was a good idea.

- Oh, Kay, how about helping
with refreshments for the day.

- Alright.

- The crips or the bloods?

- See you later.

- Oh, yeah, sure.

- Sorry it didn't work out.

- Got anymore tacks?

- I think they are over there by the door.

- I gotta cut him loose.

- [Voiceover] Yes, it was
a good idea to come here--

- [Joel And Bots] At first.

- [Voiceover] How does
Jeff get ideas like that?

- From the voices inside his head.

- [Voiceover] What's this?

Maybe this is where Jeff gets ideas.

- The lunch menu?

- [Voiceover] A list of coming activities.

A bike trip.

That could be a lot of fun.

A chance to do things with a group,

to get acquainted.

- Now is this fantasy?

- [Voiceover] It does
look like a good time.

If your partner likes it.

- That's a big if.

- One bad idea could mean
the end of your relationship.

- [Voiceover] Would Kay enjoy a bike trip?

Or a weenie roast?

- [Joel And Bots] Nick, no!

- [Voiceover] Another group date,

a chance to learn the give and take

of working and playing together.

Not much arranging needed,

not much expense,

and that could be important.

Could be a fine date,
if Kay would like it.

- Kay, Kay, Kay, what about my needs?

- [Voiceover] You could
go to a baseball game.

A date that's not too involved,

one you can carry through comfortably.

- Look, Nick strikes out.

- [Voiceover] And there are all sorts

of other sports events.

Inexpensive dates, most of them.

Swimming meets, for example.

- Are very dull.

- [Voiceover] You can
find many good ideas.

- Hey, our luggage is here, woo!

- [Voiceover] Dates that
give you a good chance

to get acquainted.

(silly laugh)

And dates that you don't have to

worry too much about in advance.

- Nick, snap out of it.

- [Voiceover] It was a good
idea, coming here tonight.

Double dating with Jeff and Phyllis.

- But mostly Jeff.

- [Voiceover] When all
four are good friends

and enjoy the same things,

double dates can be lots of fun.

Or you can ask Kay to go
on dates with you alone,

if you plan for what she enjoys.

(hums pornographic film style soundtrack)

- What are you doing over there?

- Be right there--

- Oh, I thought you were
talking to me, sorry.

Awkward!

- Fine thing.

As soon as Kay is around the supervisor,

you go off in a vacation.

- You know what, maestro?

I don't think your date
ideas are so original.

- What?

- About what to do on a date, I mean.

- Oh, sorry.

- What I'd like to know is

how can you figure out what a girl

would like to do.

A certain girl, I mean.

- Well, you might ask her.

- Oh, I should have thought of that.

- Yeah, Nick's looking for you.

- Oh, jeez!

Hide me!

- Is he good company?

He always seems so quiet.

- We get along alright.

He's got a good sense of humor.

We haven't run out of things to say yet.

- You will.

- He's kind of cute.

You gonna date him again.

- I don't know.

Besides, he hasn't asked me.

- George!

- Get out of here!

- I'm hungry!

- You wanna do something.

Take the Cokes out there.

- Why can't Nick be fun like George is?

- [Voiceover] Come and get it everybody!

- The sensuous pagan ritual begins.

- Hi stranger.

- I've decided to come out of hiding.

- Is she Salman Rushdie?

- You made the sandwiches?

- Nick, other people have to eat too.

(crosstalk)

- Oh, Nick, you take
me to the best places!

- Oh, Nicky got back!

- Your table, madame.

- Thank you, sir.

- Boy, they're a regular
Tracy and Hepburn up there

looking over there.

- This is fun, isn't it?

- You sure you like to
do things like this?

- Sure.

- Why do you laugh at me, Nick?

- I thought all girls wanted fellas

to take them to fancy places,

and spend lots of money.

- Not this girl.

- Do you know, I sorta
like things like this too.

You won't laugh?

I like to go on bicycle trips, too.

(bot laughs)

You?

- And miniature golf too, I think.

- Yeah, and weenie
roasts, and square dances.

- And baseball games and taffy pole.

I think they are swell.

- Say, you like to do
lots of things, don't you?

- Hey, you read the list, too!

- Say, Kay, next Friday,
there's going to be

a weenie roast, or there
will be a bowling party

if you'd rather do that--

- It won't work, Nick.

- Or we could go the band concert.

- Well, I'd enjoy going to
the weenie roast, very much.

- With someone else.

- Unless you'd rather go bowling.

- No, I'd rather go to the weenie roast.

- Let's not fight, Nick,
it's our first date.

- If Jeff goes with Phyllis,
we could double date with them.

- Hey, Nick, come on,

we're going to break open the ice cream.

- Okay, be right there.

- Ice cream?

I love this party!

- Friday?

- Yes, Nick.

It's a date.

- Hey guys, what's a weenie roast?

- [Voiceover] Yes, there are
lots of things to do on dates.

If you know how to look for them,

if you plan them with
the other person in mind,

and if you really try to make
sure each date is a good time.

If you do these things, you'll
know what to do on your date.

- But if you're an AV
geek, don't kid yourself.

- Had this been an actual date,

you would have been
instructed where to go.

('80s music)

- So I guess the
sculptors and the painters

got together and did this thing.

- Yeah, but you gotta watch
out for those access artists.

- Yeah.

- The bassoon will be
played by Marie Windsor.

♫ Uh, uh, swamp diamonds ♫

- Wait, really perky music here.

- Oh Touch Conners, I
don't think I want to.

- The credits were done
by a black velvet artist.

- Camille Claudelle.

- Introducing, and saying
goodbye to Jil Jarmyn.

(suspense music)

- Is that supposed to be an example

of my headache pains?

- Night Gallery, the lost episodes.

(humming)

(mimicking airplane and machine gun shots)

- I know, these are JJ's
good times paintings.

- Oh, women in cell block H.

- I feel like i should take
Prozac after hearing this music.

- Oh, Roger Corman, this is
gonna go down hard, guys.

- To be like the Corman.

To live like the Corman.

- It's a Pink Panther movie!

- Whatever it is, it's got
a pretty lousy animation.

(swing music)

(crowd chattering)

- Apparently they've seen
the how to date short.

- Well, there goes the PTA conga line.

- That's not Touch Conners,
that's Mike Conners.

- I love you so much.

- You think so, huh?

- I would like to stay
with you forever, and ever.

- Maybe your daddy told you
my oil well looks good, eh?

- That's dirty!

- How ever can you say such a thing.

- I was only kidding.

(cheering)

- A holiday is declared when
Touch Mike Manics Conners

arrives in town.

- It's the beginning of the crew of rex.

- The crews.

- Yeah, they are the clubs
that conduct the carnival.

- Wow, really festive
colors for a Mardi Gras,

brown and yellow.

- Welcome everyone to my corny kingdom.

- And coming up, the Miss
Hathaway Marching Band.

- [Joel And Bots] Oh, Mr. Drysdale.

(trumpet music)

- Sorry folks, I don't know how this float

got into the parade.

- Yes, master, I'm your love-slave.

- Yes, I'm a q-tip, please do not

insert me in your ear canal.

(marching band music)

- Cigars, cigarettes.

- Hey, how many times did
Washington cross Delaware?

- [ Joel And Bots] Viva
the fold out couch!

Viva the fold out couch!

(whistling)

- And now, our tribute to yellow.

Yellow.

- You know, it's so exciting,

it's just leaving me perfectly speechless.

- Did I tell you that I got
my oil lands in New Orleans?

- Oh, really?

Well, were is it darling?

- Meanest country in the world.

- Serbia?

- Where's that?

- The swamp land, Bayou country, jungle.

- I didn't know there was
such a thing around here.

- Were did you come from?

- I sure would like to go
and see that jungle with you.

- Oh, I doubt that,
that's real wild country

for such a pretty young lady.

- Sure!

- I guess it's just the horrors

of being with a wild can of oil man.

- We'll sign the show answer, ma'am.

- Oh, but you don't think I could take it.

- Maybe.

- But I could.

- Think so?

- Why don't you let me prove it?

- Please, don't Touch Touch Conners.

- I could do anything.

As long as I am with you.

- Tonight on Manics, Touch Conners,

finds intriguing romance in Bayou Country.

- Son of a gun, gonna have big fun!

- Think your daddy will let you?

- Oh, he'd let me do anything with you.

He thinks that you're going to.

- Oopsy!

- He thinks that you're just wonderful.

- And we might trying at that.

Come on, let's go.

- Why, there's dad now!

- Honey, are we going
to the Bayou all alone?

Just the two of us?

- No, baby, we'll have to have a guide.

- Oh, you could find your way

without any old guide.

- I'm not sure I'd live to tell the tale.

(growls)

- This is getting steamy.

- What's the matter?

- I'm sorry, mister.

I didn't mean to scare your little girl.

- Well, don't jump and
start following people.

- I am a sport, will you pal be a sport?

Give me just a little
money for a cup of coffee.

- Yeah, okay senator.

Buy yourself a dozen cups.

Black!

- Is it okay if I get a
couple of cups of coffee,

and maybe some donuts?

- I'm just gonna stir up a bit
of half and half in it, okay?

I'm gonna (laughs)

- Play Touch Conners like a Piano.

Hey, Mr. Mayor, I was
naked at the dead garden,

there, excuse me.

- Hey, it's pope Ed Asner.

Let me kiss your ring.

- Oh, everybody, oh!

The king commands you
to get me another drink.

- Well, here's another idea.

The parade stays still
and the crowd moves.

It's a new concept from Conglomco.

- We're crayfish, cut us in half

and suck the meat out of our tails!

- Ah, the banana splits haven't
aged very well, have they?

- I do not know what we are.

Perhaps we gauchos, olé!

(speaks foreign language)

And this must be Children
of Paradise all of a sudden.

Boy the joy is just pouring
out of those clowns.

- Man this looks like home
movies of my parents wedding.

- What a great place for a day-day.

- Oh, look, it's Fred Mertz in GiGi.

♫ Lick it up

♫ Lick it up

♫ Lick it like a piece of cake

♫ What you drink ♫

- Ya see alright, baby?

- Just perfect, darling.

- Hey buddy, could you
spare a little old dime?

- I just gave you some.

- Hey, what gives?

- Wait a minute you got quite
a bit of my money, didn't you?

- I don't know what
you're talking about, bud.

- Come on, hand it over.

- Let go of me.

♫ I'm a lot like you were ♫

- Ah great, Joel.

That was really great.

I gotta go, I've got some stuff to do.

- Oh, no, hold on a second Crow.

We're gonna do an old
Simon and Garfunkel tune

called The Boxer, and you can help me

by singing the la, la, la parts, okay?

♫ I am just a poor boy ♫

- Hey, Joel.

- Hi!

- Tom Servo, hey buddy, old pal.

Join us.

- Okay, sure, fine.

Say guys, I saw that short on dating.

Thinking of asking that Gypsy out,

what do you think?

- Tom, are you sure you wanna do that?

I mean, I'm positive Gypsy likes you

as another fellow robot, but are you sure

she wants to go out on a date?

- Nonsense!

I think she'd go out with
you in a minute Tommy Gun.

- Yeah?

- You've heard of a mercy date.

- Hey!

- Crow, come on, she's probably just busy

running the higher functions of this ship.

- Yeah, he's right.

Besides, after the intense discomfort

of your almost sibling like relationship

sends the date into the crapper,

you'll feel the hot sting of embarrassment

on your cheeks for months.

- Okay, I guess you're right.

Stupid idea.

Just wanted to see what all
the fuss about dating was.

Jeez.

- You know, Tom, it probably
wouldn't hurt to ask her.

- Really?

Yeah!

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Any advice?

- Yeah, just be yourself, you know,

don't get nervous.

- Don't invoice her for your
expenditures on the date.

- I probably wouldn't show her

my Hummel collection just yet.

- Point taken.

- Avoid boring her with your
knowledge of war atrocities.

- Duh, that's stupid.

- You know what Tom, you're gonna need

some place to take her.

- Yeah, not a lot going
on up here, though.

Weenie roast is right out.

- Is hard core on video?

- Oh, shut up!

- You know, we could have cocoa

and we could spin our Jerry Reed albums.

- Let's just give it a little thought.

We'll be right back.

- Turn it off.

Turn it off.

('80s music)

- You can play splat
ball down there all day.

- Maybe.

- Okay guys, I had a
couple drinks to celebrate,

what's the matter with you guys?

- Is Captain Goodrich in?

- Yes, lieutenant I'll
tell him you're here.

- Say lady, just why can they arrest a guy

for having a couple of
drinks during Mardi Gras.

- Come on.

- Officer I think he's not drunk.

- I am too.

- This your liver?

- Otherwise you wouldn't have been able

to have taken this away
from me so cleverly.

If I were drunk, I wouldn't
have been able to take it back.

- Captain Goodrich will see you now.

- Thank you.

- Officer, book him.

- Why is he taking orders
from a crossing guard.

- Yes, I'm the police chief
of France, Vichy, New Orleans.

- Oh that mob out there
is really something.

- A little above and
beyond the line of duty.

- It certainly is.

- Give us a kiss.

- So what's your plan, Leeda?

- It might work, captain.

- You do realize, if it doesn't work,

what's likely to happen to you.

- Yes, sir.

- But the longer we do
nothing, the harder it is

on the police department.

- People are critical,
we've gone through that.

- The Nardo Diamonds have
been missing for three years.

- The Nardo man died
in the electric chair.

The women are in prison.

- Where the diamonds are, nobody knows.

- Yes, the public has their
ideas on that subject.

- Seems to me we have to find them.

- Duh!

- Leeda, you're probably
the finest police woman

I've ever known.

You're right, and your plan is right.

- Josie Nardo, and all those other girls

are bound to know where the diamonds are.

- Of course they do.

- So, we put you in prison,

you escape with the Nardo girls,

you'll know where the diamonds are.

I think you'll stick around
and tell us what you find out.

- You flatter me, Sir!

- What do you think you
ought to send me to jail for?

- Bravery?

- And sweet love beyond the call of duty.

- So what does this have to do

with the whole Touch Conners thing?

- The Nardo girls are on the second floor.

- Any electric alarms in the windows?

- No.

- That's extra.

- Fence is here, in a direct line.

♫ Lovely Rita, Rita Mae ♫

- Behind this cover of trees.

- Every night?

- Every night.

- You pick your own time of departure.

- The sooner the better.

- Scott will be shooting, he will miss.

- I hope so.

- And you're gonna be pursued.

Unsuccessfully, of course.

- And from there--

- Story of my life, Sirs.

- I'll give you all the protection I can.

But you've got to be careful.

- Slightest suspicion, they'll kill you.

- Yes, sir.

- Well, can I drive you to jail?

- Sergeant Morrisan will take you

to the prison tomorrow morning.

- And I have to get back to my ship.

- You're taking on a mighty big job.

- I guess I can't resist
my share of the diamonds.

- Good luck, goodbye.

- Goodbye sir.

- So, no kiss, huh?

- Hey, looks like a Catholic grade school.

- Our lady of from which
there is no escape.

(speaks foreign language)

- Will you get out of my way

or do I have to beat you out of here?

- Yeah, Beverly, go get her.

- Ah, leave her alone.

- Stay out of this.

- Leave her alone!

- She got in my way.

- Wanna knock somebody
around, try your own size!

- Like who?

- Me.

- Hey that does make a lot more sense.

- Why don't you shut up.

- It's Lucy and Viv, in the big house.

- Welcome to dye job theater.

- Well if you two ain't
a sight for sore eyes.

- They're all doing a nickel at UPS.

- I don't know about your eyes,

but I sure have a sore back.

- Not from working.

- Whoa.

- I just thought I'd drop around.

- You'll get yourself put in
the brick for being down here.

- There may be trustee

- Typical.

- We got no room.

- Miss Leona.

- They sure like to make
trouble for us, don't they?

- She's crazier than a bed bug.

- How can you tell?

- She's only been here three hours,

she wants to go over the wall.

- Don't sound so crazy to me.

- We let her climb over the wall,

they shoot her and we're rid of her.

- Yes, Mrs. Zelda Jane.

- Guys, it's a prison slumber party.

- They use razors in the pillows,

for the pillow fights.

- Okay, I'm a cop, don't hurt me.

- When moms go bad.

- Move it.

- Shut up!

- Oh, both of you shut up.

- They're all strung out on Correctol.

- Don't you know we're
very hard to get along.

- Well I wasn't thinking
of a pleasure trip.

- Well, what were you
thinking of, suicide?

- No, the Nardo diamonds.

- Wouldn't you just want
to get your hands on them.

- Wouldn't you?

- Look, we've been in here
for three lousy years.

- What makes you think right away

you can crash this joint?

- Well I did something
you three girls didn't.

- She was delouced.

- Man, I didn't think we'd miss nothing.

- Such as what?

- On my way in, I planned a way out.

- Just like that?

- Oh, we should have done that.

- Yes.

(bell ringing)

- Which twin has the tony.

- Cool it the RA is coming.

- A prison filled with Wendy Darlings.

- Bring me that case of tea.

- And they are ahead of Alfredo Garcia.

- The true story of lands end.

- What makes you so sure
we will split with you?

- What makes you sure that
I'll take you with me?

- Anyway, be quiet about our secret plan!

- It'll be there.

- Who's putting it there?

- None of your business.

- But who else will be there?

Can I bring Susan, from cell block A?

- Boy, she sure thinks she's hot.

- I think she is too, if
she can get us out of here.

- Sale's have gone up
since she's been here.

- Back now, vinyl window theater.

- See, they come apart,
but keep it a secret.

- We've been doing a little planning too.

- It's a long drop.

- What's the matter?

No guts?

- Takes more than guts.

- Still it does take guts.

- How much are the diamonds worth?

- Will give us 200 grand.

- Can you find them?

- I can find them.

- I get 50 grand.

- Yeah, 50 grand.

- So if you ever have to leave,

that's how to do it.

- Stand back.

- It's morning in Juliet

- I can hardly sleep, how about you?

I'm so excited!

- We're going to be the first ones in line

for scrambled eggs!

- Wait a minute, it worked yesterday,

I don't know what happened.

- Well, it was loose so I welded it back.

- These women are actually escaping

in easy spirit dress pumps.

- No one has ever escaped
from cell block 15.

- Of course not.

- Tell me boy, what day is this?

- It's Christmas day, sir.

- Oh, praise your name.

- What's with the Get Smart music?

- Okay, let's go!

Ah!

- Ah!

- Don't forget to bring me a Dove bar.

- This is riveting.

- Cast away!

- Wait, we can't leave.

They're having creamed corn today!

- Why am I thinking of Joe Theisman?

(bell ringing)

- I hit the bell on my way out.

I hope that's okay.

(alarm blaring)

(speaking foreign language)

(gunshots)

- Sounds like the Foley
artists are chasing us,

let's hit it!

- The kids in the hall escape from prison!

(speaks foreign language)

- That's it.

- Hey, let's take this one.

This one is nice!

- Budget rent a car is so convenient.

- Oh, it's so roomy, such a nice car.

- Oh, and look it's so clean.

- With the floor mats and everything.

- That new car smell.

- Oh, the Wells Fargo wagon.

- Look out.

(gunshots)

Boy, I sure do wish I had a gun.

- Ouch, take it easy.

- What's the matter?

- I hurt my arm, that's what.

- That one?

- Ladies, it's a big car,
you can spread out a little.

- Where do we go from here?

- We're losing him.

- Turn left half mile up.

- I'm up for something chickeny.

- Louie Blank?

- Yeah.

- Hey you think they'll give
us something decent to wear,

and some lipstick.

- Good enough for where we are going.

- They've given up.

- Boy, how do I wish I could have taken

a couple of shots at them.

(speaks fast imitating red haired woman)

- You will if he knows
what's good for him.

- How long do you think
it's gonna take us, Josie?

- Well, it's a couple
of days with the boys.

I don't see how we can do much better.

- On foot?

- In these shoes?

- On foot it'd take
about a couple of years.

- Louie'll give us a boat.

We got a few things on Louie.

- Yeah, we saw him coming
out of lend me a tenner.

(car screeches)

- I'm spritzing, any of you
mugs got a problem with that?

- What's on your mind?

- Nobody has any guns yet,

if it weren't for me,
you'd be rotting in jail.

I wanna make sure I get that 50 grand.

- We keep bargains.

- I just thought I'd tell ya.

- Hi.

- I'm a good shot, and if you try anything

I'll kill all three of you.

- And if you try
something, we'll kill you.

- Well, I guess I had that coming.

- Now that we've bonded, let's go.

- Well, this is gonna be fun.

('80s music)

- Honey?

- Shut up, Iris.

- It's lovely.

- Yeah, it's great, isn't it?

- Just lovely.

- Nah, I'm gonna dredge
it and put up condos.

- Bit cynical, after you
have a few little oil wells,

you wouldn't have to spend any time--

- What's that?

Hold on I have a great
big wax ball up here.

- Will you?

- No, I guess not.

- Nice little scene.

- Oh, the two plots are
in a collision course.

- Really a good time to spring and leave.

- If I ever see that lousy
Louie again I'll break his neck.

- Josie, what do we do now?

- Hitch a ride, I guess.

- Hey, wait a minute.

- We don't have to do anything!

Here comes Touch Conners.

- Hey, look over there!

- Some girls, in primary colors.

- Come on, over here.

- Stupid, son of a, get over here!

We just wanna kill you for a minute.

Yeah, closer, come on.

- Cut it I said!

- What's your problem, girls?

- Bob, honey, I'm frightened,
what do they want?

- Just the boat, pull into shore.

- Now, wait a minute,
what do you think this is?

- Uncle Charlie, no!

(gunshot)

- Steve, Champ, Ernie.

- What's the matter with you?

- Are you crazy?

- Tudum, tudum yourself!

You're no match to me mister.

- I'm binding, can't you tell I'm binding?

- Oh man, he landed
right on the wax worms.

- Uh, sorry about Mr. Demeraz.

- You were in prison, do you know Bubba?

- What's this?

Touch Conners is being
helped from the field,

but he should return in the second half.

- Splashing water all over me!

- Ow, ow, ow, ow.

- What's your dream?

- What's the matter?

- Oh, my fantasy!

- Oh, she can't take it there.

She can't take it there.

- Come on, break it up.

- We've got guests.

- What's the matter?

- That guy was going to hit
you in the head with an oar

and I shot him and she jumped me.

- I'll hold it.

- You both came to see
me, that's a first step.

- There shouldn't be any shooting.

- What's the matter, you chicken?

- In case you wanna know,

shots make noise, and noise carries.

There's no reason why we should attract

anymore attention than we have to.

- Says who?

- She's gotta point.

Now quit the fighting.

Give her back her gun.

- Who wants guns?

- [Bots] I do, I do!

- No hard feelings.

- That's what you think.

- That's what I think.

- Do you like Ellie May?

- You alright?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

- Ow, ow, owee.

- Hello, breakfast.

- Well, we caught it, but what is it?

- You could have killed him.

- We didn't, did we?

- We should have.

- I don't see much else we can do.

- Wait till he wakes up so
he'll know what hit him.

- So what's the pelt worth?

- Maybe I've got a knife.

- I'll hold that.

- Will you let me alone.

- You're crazy for that gun.

- Knock it off.

- She just wants to kill
somebody, doesn't she?

- We'll hold them both as hostages.

- Have you held your hostage today?

- Well, we've got a long trip ahead of us.

We might run into trouble.

I like something to bargain with.

And they do.

- Diamonds and guns ain't
enough of a bargain?

♫ Diamonds and guns ♫

- Oh, get it yourself.

- She's right, we'd better tie 'em up.

- Come on, hurry, Vera.

- I've got a little something.

- I'd kinda go for him.

- Nice enough looking.

- Stupid name, though.

- I call his mid section.

- Wonder who he is.

- Poor little guy, I think he's lost.

- Couldn't be a friend of yours, could he?

- You know, I gotta
feeling you don't like me.

- Hey, I'm not dreaming.

- You okay?

- I guess so.

What's the story?

- *** meets deliverance.

- Man, don't you read the papers?

- Once in a while.

- Ever heard of the Nardo gang.

- Yeah.

Heard they're a pretty rough group.

- You just remember that.

- Thank you very much.

- Okay, Red.

- Oh, Bob, what are
they going to do to us?

- Shut up!

- Thanks White!

- She's got a good question.

What are you gonna do?

- Stick around, then you'll know too.

- Kidnapping maybe.

- If you're lucky.

- What's your name?

- Bob.

- Okay, it's Fred.

- Bob Matthews.

- Not worth much in this kidnapping game.

- Yeah, that's very discouraging.

That's your wife?

- No.

- No, no, no.

- Just a friend.

- Some friend.

- Look if you don't stop your crying,

I'll give you something to cry about.

- My dad used to say that.

- One more girl we don't need.

- What can I do for you?

- Can you get us Peggy's autograph?

- We had a leaky boat with no motor.

Anyway, we like yours better.

- You're off on a cruise, huh?

- Yeah.

- Sounds fun.

- Why'd ya had to kill the guide?

- For effect.

- Self defense.

- Oh, I had one other
thing I was gonna ask.

- Well, come on, let's get going.

- Okay, tudum, tudum.

- Head upstream, keep it down the middle.

- What would you say is the
load limit for this thing?

- Listen, we gotta have
this boat back in an hour,

I left my license.

- Do you guys think it's
possible that the video watchdog

people are wrong, and that
Corman is a terrible director?

- God, you scared me!

- What is that?

- Oh, sit down, it's just an alligator.

- Just an alligator?

- Boy, we're having
more fun than I thought.

- GAFU master presents the Oaky Finogui.

- I think they're headed
for Doug Kershaw's place.

- Spanish mossy land on the chio.

- I wonder what other names Touch Conners

considered before he hit on Touch.

- Thrust, Jab, Fudge.

- Crunch?

- Blast.

- Smidge.

- Shout.

- Batch.

- Flake.

- Wink.

- Josie, how much further we gotta go?

- Just till we find a dry spot to land.

- Hey, look at that!

- Uganda, look at that.

(birds calling)

- Son of a gun, gonna have big fun.

- Bob, what's happening?

- Not much, how about with you?

- Well my chest is falling asleep.

- Don't worry, honey.

It'll be alright.

- That's very sweet.

- Sure, you can use it.

- Red, you talk too much.

- Oh, cut it out.

- Beverly can sure handle
a Johnson, can't she?

- Yeah, she can.

- That looks like dry ground.

We can camp over there.

- That sure ain't no palace.

- It ain't no prison either.

- It's sort of in the middle.

- Billie, get out and pull the boat in.

- Billie do this, Billie do that.

- You heard me.

- Remember, try not to
kill anyone this time.

- Pinch Conners?

- Pro Conners?

- Wind Conners.

- Are you complaining?

- Man, you know I am.

('80s music)

- I'm a great person.

I'm a great guy.

I've got a lot to offer.

This will be fun.

I'm a great person.

I'm a great guy.

I've got a lot to offer.

This will be fun.

I'm a good person.

I'm a great guy.

- Okay, Tom, you're
sounding real confident,

I think it's time to call up Gypsy,

and ask her on that date.

Here, I'll press speed dial for you.

- Thank you.

- Hey Joel.

Tom.

(phone dialing)

- Tom is just about to
ask Gypsy out on a date.

And I told him you and I would
set up the scavenger sale

like we saw on the dating short.

- Isn't that a little weird, Joel.

- Yes, it is.

I'll put it on speaker phone.

- I'm a great, great person.

- So what are you gonna say?

What are you going to ask her?

What if she doesn't like you?

What are you gonna do?

- [Voiceover] Hello.

Hello.

- Oh, ah, hello, Gyspy?

- [Voiceover] Yes, what is it?

I'm really kind of eating.

- Um, this is Tom,

- [Voiceover] Who?

Tom Servo.

I stand next to you in
the Satellite of Love.

- [Voiceover] Oh, the red one.

- See, she remembers you.

- [Voiceover] What do you want?

- Go for it, baby.

- Well, there's this scavenger sale.

- [Voiceover] What's that?

- Well, it's just a scavenger scale, sale,

and I was wondering if maybe you

might wanna go with me to
this scavenger scale, sale.

- [Voiceover] Why would I wanna do that?

- So anyway, you wanna go?

- [Voiceover] No.

- Great!

- [Voiceover] I said no.

- Please!

- [Voiceover] No.

- Please!

- [Voiceover] No.

- Please!

I'll say please 10,000 times.

- [Voiceover] Oh, okay.

But we leave when I say.

- Great!

Okay, see you then, bye bye honey.

- Yeah, fellas, you can tell right away

when something like that
is gonna go real smooth.

In fact, you know what?

- You're a good person.

- I'm a good person.

- You've got a lot to offer.

- I've got a lot to offer.

- You're rad.

- I'm rad!

(alarm blaring)

(all screaming)

(gates opening)

- And your arms don't work.

- How do my arms don't, hey.

- I sure wish she'd shut up.

- Oh, she's not hurting you.

- Hand me the salt.

- I set up the volleyball net.

- If I say she is an she gives me a pain.

- Hey where'd they get
the ladles and the spices?

- Alligators back there.

- Big ones?

- They're tiny.

- I wouldn't like to stick my foot

on top of one in the dark.

- This dinner ready?

- In a few minutes.

- Well let's just stand
here and jut some more.

- Josie how much longer you figure it'll

take us to get there.

- Oh couple a days, day
an a half if we're lucky.

- Leaves look appetizing.

- Man I hope I live long enough

to get my hands on them diamonds.

- Well they sure are holding us up plenty.

- They may be worth it.

- For what?

- We'll see.

- Ah we'll see, we'll see.

- Look if I bother you go somewhere else.

- Da dun da dunt.

- Oh cut it.

Cut it out I said.

- You're killin nobody.

Now stop it.

- Some of us aren't gonna
get outta here alive.

- Oh really who, oh me.

- Food's ready, unless
you'd rather fight for meat.

- Ah shut up.

- Well this is gonna be a great dinner.

- Mm you know I feel less like a hostage

an more like a friend.

- Take this over to them.

- What if we don't have enough?

- We got enough.

- There's plenty of squirrel to go around.

- Aw that Jane makes me sick.

- Okay who had the grannies
country omelette with,

oh you need coffee?

- Please I wanna talk to you.

- Talk to yourself.

- Oh oh oh, you're kneelin on,

oh little Touch.

- What do I do now?

Feed him?

- Why not?

- Does he need changing?

- Untie his hands til he's through.

- Mmm really great grub.

Really great grub, yum yum.

- Ah honey will you pass the salt?

- Mmm you know I've always heard

bad things about being held hostage.

- Jab Conners, Grunt Conners, Flink.

- Enjoy yourself.

- I just did.

- What's for dessert?

- Tuna wiggle.

- Come on what's for dessert,

aren't we even having dessert?

- Boy you just can't keep
away from him can ya?

- Better an not bein able to get near him.

- Who'd like a drink?

- Man who wouldn't?

- I'll have a Rob Roy.

- Blanket over there.

- You're kiddin.

- Those kids, I've never
seen them so happy.

- It's not enough to slow us up tomorrow.

- It doesn't get any scuzzier than this.

- Long time to be in the jug.

- Ow.

- She was in the Judd's?

- Gimme some too ya pig.

- Come on bring it over here.

- Ha ha after a prison
break and hostage taking,

it's back to the lodge for
a smooth Canadian Club.

- Ah.

- Oh no, oh ew.

- Ah Josie this is crazy.

Just crazy.

- Now now girls, never run around in pants

like a bunch a boys.

- What they get drunk
and they make shorts?

- Yeah their daisy may shorts.

- Mmm.

- Hey there, I want mine
cut off a little shorter.

- Ah the purpose of the
movie finally revealed.

- Yep.

- Oh Touch.

- Maybe he goes for girls
in little blue sweaters.

- Ah maybe sure um, hmm.

- Please leave me alone.

- These are stirrup pants, I beg you.

- I'll give ya anything.

- Like what?

- Listen, just get me outta here honey,

an I'll give ya whatever you want.

- How much?

- Whatever you want.

- I want your sleeveless blue dress.

- Ten.

- Your boyfriend, you buyin him too?

- I don't care just get me outta here.

- Hm.

- My daddy will give ya whatever ya want.

- Hear that handsome,

you're girlfriend's
tryin to buy her way out,

but she doesn't care what happens to you.

- Yes I did thank you.

- Right.

- Little off the sides.

- Get me outta here.

- Oh I wouldn't wear your lousy sweater

if ya give it to me.

- Ooh.

- Nice kid.

Sell her man right down the river.

- Yeah some women have no class.

- I sure miss Nicki.

- Yeah who's Nicki?

- Joey, Mike.

- You can just forget about missin Mike.

- Would we have a ball
with those diamonds.

The guy were still with us.

- No, yes, pass.

- I would have a ball without 'em.

I'm gonna go down to Mexico

and I'm gonna buy myself a town.

- Ha ha your drunk.

What do you want with a town?

- Well you'd always have a place to park.

- I may be drunk, I'm gonna buy a town,

I'm gonna buy everybody in it,

and I'm gonna order 'em
around the rest of my life.

- Why don't you have goals?

- You gotta better idea?

- I got a better idea.

- I'm gonna start a sad farm.

- Gonna find me a doctor and have him

change my whole face around.

- To the back.

- You ain't that ugly.

- It ain't ugly at all an you know it.

But I ain't gonna look like me no more.

- I'm gonna look like Tito Puenta.

- I'm gonna get me a little address book,

and I'm gonna start with the judge first,

or set the guys from the sheriff.

- Did they all go to the same chair?

- An all the folks in the jury,

an I'm gonna lock them all up.

- How do ya mean?

- Gonna break up all
their happy little homes.

- Boy she really slides into
her sentences doesn't she.

- Hate 'em.

Their kids.

- Well I'll do somethin to their kids.

- I'm gonna lock them all up.

Ha ha.

- Mmm I'm still with the town idea.

- Good for you.

- What are you going to do Josie?

- Mmm same thing.

- I got a plan.

I'm gonna get me a big
house south of the border.

I'm gonna rent rooms to
everybody that's on the land.

- The old lady in the shoe.

- Sure why not?

I figure I can make a good living and

make plenty of trouble for
the cops at the same time.

- I'm gonna star in the Mother's in Law.

- Well I hope to make detective before oh!

- I just wanna be by myself that's all.

- Lone wolf.

(wolf howling)

- Ya can't trust 'em.

- Now come on, we were having a good time.

- Touch, how bout you?

- Girls let's do this again sometimes.

- Mmm 10-W-40, well it's good though.

- I'll take the first watch.

Guess he's not going anyplace.

Thanks for the drink, sure
can hold plenty of it.

- You don't do so bad yourself.

- I wanna take that across
the street and get deposit.

- I love you sir booze.

Buh bye.

(gagging noises)

- Oh god what did we do last night?

What was in that stuff?

(gagging noises)

- Oh no they forgot to hang the

hostages 10 feet off the ground.

(snoring noises)

- Okay who's for lizard
biscuits with Cyprus gravy?

- Hmm.

- Hey.

- What?

- Uh oh I've been shot, okay.

- She's at the Y.

- Help, help.

- Hold on, I don't think she can swim.

- Wait a minute

I'll swim out here and
ask her if she can swim.

- Mmm mmm.

- Help.

- Just stand up, you're
in the shallow end.

- Mmm mmm.

- There's an alligator behind that boat.

- I see him, it's gonna get her.

- Quick Josie, cut me loose.

- Do do do do do do do do do do.

- Wait how's he gonna get
to the pool where she is?

- Help,

help.

- I'ma comin, I'ma comin,

(motor imitation)

- Oh help.

- Wait that's a mud puppy.

- If only David Hasselhoff were here.

- Oh that's the problem,
I'll go report in.

- Boy I can't wait until all
these movies come together.

- Mmm think of it.

- You know, it's hard to
keep your head above water

when you're up to your ass in alligators.

- Ha ha ha I got a poster like that.

- I've got him, no no help.

- So you wanted to make
shoes outta me huh?

Ha ha I got your shoes right here.

- Do do.

- Now wait a minute,
didn't we forget something,

oh my girlfriend.

- She was in a pool across town,

they couldn't of saved her anyway.

- So ah, what are you doing next Saturday?

Give me a lift?

- Hey it's a wet pendleton contest.

- She's a man.

- I'm sorry.

- Apology accepted.

- Yeah.

- Oh man if in done that.

- Sorry for what?

- Sorry for not saving her life.

- Oh her, it was a first date.

- Makin you risk your life.

- Was that supposed to be a moment?

- Yeah.

- Hey the boat handles real well now,

makin good time too.

- Yes, every available man.

I want that entire area surrounded.

- We want Capitan.

- Any man that gets too close
I'll personally break him.

- Way to be.

- Slightest suspicion and
lieutenant Hampton's through.

- Hey they traded up, oh
and got hats and everything.

- Wait, didn't I just talk to you?

Get off the phone.

- Let's try,

- Tell the pilot not to get too close.

He mustn't hover over the scene.

- Now wait wait no.

I have no idea what,

wait a minute I didn't order this,

I meant to put you on hold.

- What's the matter with
that unit on the left.

- We.

- Call them back.

We must not risk being seen.

- Allay!

- Milk, milk, get your two percent,

get your butter, sticks or patties.

Milk.

- Josie how many more
thousand miles we gotta go?

- About five more miles.

It's rough, I don't wanna try it at night.

We'll stop at the first good place.

- Are you sure you can find them?

- You could blindfold
me an I could find 'em.

- There's an extra leg in there.

- Some help spendin the loot.

- Ha if Nicki was here
he'd be orderin you around

just like he always did.

- You know what, I miss
bein told what to do.

- Ah that looks like a good place.

We'll pull in there.

- Okay now remember our rule,

only one dead at each place.

- Hey if they got drunk again

they won't have any pants left at all.

- Drink, drink, drink.

- So far so good, nobody dead yet.

- The prison.

- What Jose?

- Josie if the cops are waitin for us,

how do ya figure we're gonna
get the diamond outta here.

- Think about it.

- Sure I can't help ya?

- I think we can manage
without ya, get lost.

- Well I'll see ya at
lunch then, I'm outta here.

- Too bad nice guy.

- Ha he's nothin.

- Hey any chance a
promotin a drink a water?

- I'll get him some.

- Oh, scuse me miss.

- Come to the church in the wild wood.

- I thirst.

- Have a drink.

- Don't mind if I do.

- Well good cause that's what's happening.

- I don't get it.

- It's just water.

- You will.

- Just what is it with you?

- Stuff.

- Thanks.

- Water.

- We gotta get some wood
before it gets dark.

- I'll get some.

- Oh hi.

- Not you again, we can't keep doing this.

- Why don't you tell me
the story of your life.

- Before I went into crime?

- You were never in it.

- Well don't tell my friends.

- You alright?

- Oh sure just great.

- Wrists sore?

- Not too sore.

- So how have your stools been have.

- Try that again an I'll kill ya.

- Now what's going on?

- Oh I was just checking
his ropes for the night

and he tried to get fresh.

- You sure it wasn't your idea?

- I'm sure.

- Next time we kidnap Ernest Borgnine.

- How's that?

- Didn't have to cut off his hands.

- Hi what's up?

- Says who.

- Cut it out you two.

- Looks like your buddy here,

- I say there's too many
cooks in the kitchen.

- Always knows you're
around to protect him.

- So what.

- So I don't like it that's all.

And I see something between 'em.

- Yeah see somethin between 'em.

- That's no stranger.

- Girls, girls plenty
of Touch to go around.

- Gripes me.

- Well knock it off an
let's get some shut eye.

- Yeah sure, warden.

You gotta go for that dame don't ya?

- Bother ya red?

- It's orange not red.

- I wouldn't.

- What what?

- Can't get enough a that shot.

- Who tee-peed the swamp?

♫ As time goes on ♫

- those gators will ya?

I'd like to get outta here
the same shape I got in.

- Well that could be improved.

- Yeah, says who?

- Their breasts are gone.

- Hmm.

- Nah, she's still asleep.

She must think we're workin.

- Whoa hold on.

(80's music)

- As we left the clam flowage that day,

we knew that one day soon,

we would return to seek
the wiley bucket mouth.

Next up, Myrna with a
new carp ball recipe.

- Do not bring your padding here.

- Looks like the bayou's all clogged up.

- Hey, Rog,

hey Roger's getting
footage for another movie.

- Uh Rog, over here buddy.

Rog.

Roger.

Roger would you please
da da with the thing.

- Oh man what do we do now?

- I sure wasn't this way the last time.

- No but it sure is now.

- They got a flat?

- Right down the middle.

- Why can't we go around?

- And take a chance on getting lost?

We could be wondering around this mess

for the rest of our lives,
which wouldn't be long.

- Looks like this stuff'll
catch on the propeller.

- Do we have to row through this?

- Stop fighting, just stop fighting.

- Alright, how are we gonna
get through this mess?

- We'll pull ourselves through.

It's only a coupla feet deep.

We'll take turns.

- At Touch.

- That's one of Ernest's paddles.

- How long's it gonna take
us to get through Josie?

- How do I know?

All I know is there's no other way.

- Giddy up, ha ha just kiddin girls.

- Hey don't go to sleep on the job.

- Shut up.

- Why can't we just joke anymore.

- That's all, you two take a turn.

- Maybe they should all just walk.

- Nice work huh.

- Yeah.

- Wait a minute, this is an actual trick,

this isn't even edited.

- Not takin any chances,
we'll keep his hands tied.

- Chinese fire drill.

- Kinda slow.

- See why we should do all the work.

- Oh it's stinking swamp water stinks.

- Oh that's Touch.

- Why don't you two stop
griping and get to work.

- Gimme that paddle with the thin part.

Gimme that.

(arguing fast)

♫ Old man river ♫

- Look it's clear water up ahead.

- Huh?

Credence Clearwater up ahead?

- No.

- And can't head.

- Well that scene was really important.

- That wasn't that bad.

- As we left the clam flow-age that day,

we knew that one day soon
we would return to seek

the wiley bucket mouth,

did I just say that?

- There swamp diamonds cause,

on a count of the fact that they're

lookin for diamonds that are

sittin in a swamp.

- Wouldn't it be funny if
it just turned out to be

swamp cubic zirconium?

- Mmm no.

- This is really the never ending story.

- How's bayou?

- Fine.

- Herb Albert plays the haunting

swamp diamond love theme.

- I could use an overdose
of Dramamine right now.

- Journey to the beginning of time.

- You know sometimes its just nice to

look at the scenery and just not talk.

- Mmm uh huh.

- We're here.

- Man I thought we was
never gonna make it.

- Gee I sure can't wait to get
my hands on those diamonds.

- Must be on a Eda Stockeys.

- Mmm hmm.

- Barely more sophisticated
than to catch a thief

still pretty good I guess.

- Right spot.

- Ouch I busted the only nail.

- What are they diggin for a

six pack a Lone Star or somethin?

- It's in the boat.

- Hey bring the shovel.

- Shovel coming up.

- Hey how long you been here?

- Ropes hurting your wrists?

- What wrists?

- What breast?

- I wish I could untie ya.

- I wish you could too.

- Hurry up.

- If I weren't tied we could jump 'em now.

- Or you could all jump me.

- What makes you think I would want to?

- You do.

- Am I that transparent?

- If one of us were wounded,

we'd never get outta here alive.

- Why don't you let me in on the secret.

- Come on where's the shovel?

- I'm just an average american crook.

Josie's watchin.

- Found the shovel.

- I had to look all over the boat for it.

- Here's the shovel.

- I feel something.

It's right here I can feel it.

- Watch out with that thing.

- Aw who needs it.

- Hey I worked hard for that shovel.

- I've got it.

- That straw's hard to move.

- Watch it now.

- Wait a minute, why did they
bury a realistic clock radio?

- Man it's what I'm here for.

- Oh you an me both.

- Well open it Josie, open it up.

- Here, I'll do it.

- Now hold it, you wanna bust the thing?

- Oh smart, ever heard of ricochet?

- We're shooting it execution style.

- Ya got it.

- Oh I hope they didn't kill the diamonds.

- Oh wait a minute hold it.

- Now first a prayer.

- Peace on earth was all it said.

- Its a rockle stud center.

- Too bad you couldn't
bring yourself to do

a quarter the diggin.

- That was uncalled for.

- Oh man it's rainin diamonds.

- Look you could just wait to

get your own share to play with.

- Oh you can cut it out knockin
me around now that I'm rich.

- Don't you're askin for it.

- Oh ha ha.

She's always lookin for
a reason to wrestle.

- Its dream on.

- It's Haley Mills and
Haley Mills in the misfits.

- Suddenly it's spore wrestling.

- This is better than getting slapped.

- Hey it's a reenactment of
the break up of The Judd's.

- Yes it's Delta Burk and
Linda Blood-worth Thomalson

squarin off.

- You know I think this
is really about more than

just diamonds.

- Ooh ouch.

- You usually find this sort
of thing on pay per view.

- Man, all you can eat and a show.

- Mmm mmm.

- Ah cut it out.

- Hey Beverly Garland's bra.

I've seen the promise land.

- Now stop it or I'll drown both of ya.

- You polluted the swamp
with perm solution.

- Better get these things in the boat.

- Oh see they had to use
the diamonds for fuel.

- Better tie you up again.

- Okay.

- It's getting to feel natural.

- Ya know you're not such a bad guy.

- You're okay yourself Josie.

- Too bad you're so square.

Never could figure a legit guy.

- Guess I was just brought up wrong.

- He's getting good at bringin that on.

- I don't like to be laughed at.

- What's the matter?

- Oh it's just his mouth.

- Ya have to hit him
when his hands are tied?

- I'd hate to hit him when they wasn't.

- Ah good point.

- Lets get going.

- That suits me.

- Man I'd like to get outta this dump.

- Man where'd they get all that stuff.

Are they the Howells?

- Hey Josie,

you figure they got the swamp
surrounded lookin for us?

- Ah they'll surround us alright.

But they gotta big area to surround.

We'll get outta here.

Unless you wanna stay here.

- Now part two, the trip home.

- Nooo.

- Nooo.

- Hey can we stop and wrestle now?

- What am I thinking I gotta
get ready for my big date.

What am I gonna wear, what am I gonna do,

what are we gonna do?

I gotta get my blazer out, my nice tie.

- Not much farther honey.

- So you see, I'm the
muscular one on the left

who makes a lot of the

intellectual type comments.

You know they actually
had to widen my seat

because my shoulders kept hitting Joel.

- Really, I don't,

I don't remember that.

- Ah ha ha, well of
course I monitor myself

so as not to make the others look bad.

Nice fellas and all but ah,

you understand.

- But Tom, we better get
along on the ah date part.

I've only set aside
about two more minutes.

- Huh, yeah neat.

You know it's so refreshin
to meet someone else

who enjoys the cinema,

you know I feel people are
hungry for intelligent films

to talk about in a well
an intellectual way.

You'll excuse me for a moment won't you?

- Hmm yeah whatever.

♫ I hear the secrets that you keep ♫

- Hey, Joel thanks for settin all this up.

It's really helping.

An I think Gypsy's really
enjoyin herself over there.

- Great.

- Hey can you set us up
with a couple a cokes?

- No problem.

- Oh and any advice?

- Well Tom I'd prolly
rule out the possibility

of a second date if I were you.

- Yeah I think it's going really good too.

Now after we leave, I thought
we'd stroll the lido deck

under a warm Guinness
moon, figuratively speaking

of course and then,

sandwiches.

- Ah Tom, I think you'd
better check on your date.

- What?

- So you wanna know how to make Tom cry?

- Ha ha ha ah.

- Scram.

Hazzah fair maiden.

Your prince have procured an elixir fit

for only the fairest of the fair.

- What?

- Ah Joel brought us a couple a cokes.

- Oh.

Uh isn't that Crow guy funny?

- Yeah I suppose so, for
the occasional diversion.

But he hardly compares with the works of

Yeets Neeshka Dolce Eskitty,

which of course I read every week.

- Oh right ah Tom, this was really fun and

and your time's up but I'm going,

but you should stay and have fun.

Okay thanks bye.

- No no I wouldn't dream of staying.

I'll walk you home.

- But Tom I only live 10 feet away.

- And I shall walk on air all the while.

After you my sweet vision.

- Oh alright.

- These are the precious years.

We'll be right back.

(80's music)

- Oh sorry I'm late,

date went great.

Scuse me, pardon me,
tell ya bout it later.

Hey Joe Neemeth,

oh.

- Huh, no pants.

- Oh she's gonna put
her hand gun in water.

- Good thing she's doing
this under the cover of day.

- The gun in Betty Lou's fly.

- Was that a gun in Betty
Lou's handbag reference?

- Yeah.

- Is that out yet?

- Just drop it for now.

- I'm gonna turn to a
life of cri- oh wait.

- Now to put the gun
with the rightful owner.

She's like the gun fairy.

- Oh gracious, they'll all be
so surprised when they wake up

and their guns are all nice and clean.

- But santa why,

why are you taking my gun?

- Yeah she'll prolly go eat
all the Nutter Butter's too.

- While these women sleep,
a pasty film is being made.

- So who was Betty Lou?

- Drop it okay.

- It's okay Billy, go back to sleep.

- Is grandma here yet?

- Oh she has an early
shift somewhere I guess.

- Beverly stop.

I beg of you to think about this.

You'll never get on My
Three Son's if you do this.

- Well she's taking her pig
nose amp wherever she's goin.

- Mmm.

- Think I'll leave them
a can of smoked oysters

and some soda crackers.

- Touch, Touch, thought I
heard ya callin my name now.

- What kinda cologne does he wear?

- Move, gee your hand smells funny.

- Wanna take a trip with me?

You might like it, when we got there.

I don't wanna kill you.

- Does she have TMJ?

- I really don't wanna kill you.

I got the diamonds,

- You got the shaft.

- And the guns.

- I'm namin myself Touch.

That's it.

- You come with me an don't make a sound.

- Mmm bullet in the head or
go with the psycho woman.

Tough choice.

- Now wait, why is she
taking him with her?

- She wants it all.

- Oh.

- Wants to taste it all.

- Um I haven't had a line in 10 minutes.

I need a line.

Can I just say a little one.

- Oh today I'm just gonna sleep in.

- Oh, how long have I been posing?

- Can someone come over
here an unbunch me?

- Josie,

- Wake the pussy cats.

- Wake up.

- What's the matter?

- They're gone.

- They got my gun.

- Mine too.

- The diamonds.

- That crazy, sneaky little.

- She took the wax beans.

- The boat.

Hey it's still here.

- Why do you suppose she
didn't take the boat?

- To hard to carry.

- Why did she take Bob?

- Couldn't you see she
was crazy about him?

- But she loved that boat.

- Come on let's go.

- Where?

- Well after her, where else?

- Now wait a minute.

Vera's smart and she's clever,

there's gotta be a reason why
she didn't take that boat.

- In order to catch a girl
ya gotta think like a girl.

- She wanted us to come runnin after her.

- You can't let her get away.

- Well I'm not about to go
running into a bullet either.

- I don't know how she did it.

- First thing we've gotta do
is find out where she's at.

- But how?

- We better see her before she sees us.

Because she'll kill us.

- Just like that?

Well I guess the first thing
is to find their trail.

- Well she left her curling iron,

she'll be back an we'll be ready for her.

(imitating ducks)

- Beverly, Beverly ha
ha ha I love that one.

- Wait a minute, this
tree wasn't here before.

- Josie.

(whispering)

- You can see where they went.

She probably held a gun on him.

- You can tell a lot from a leaf.

- She wasn't no good.

- It wasn't exactly a surprise to me.

- Look if she went through this mess,

I guess we can too.

Now remember if she sees us
we're dead so keep quiet.

- What if we see her?

- Josie what are we gonna
do when we find her?

- Oh beats me.

- Well then why do we have to?

- Oh let's do one thing at a time,

come on.

(whispering)

- Just keep quiet.

- Little roundeck chairs.

- Oh the Uncola man
should be sitting there.

- Wait there's traces of
groom and clean on this bush.

- Maybe we should split
up into groups of one.

- Let's synchronize your watch.

- Nawr nawr nawr nawr nawr nawr nawr.

- Well at least I look hot.

- You're really douchy you know that?

- How long do we play this game?

- Until its over.

- Oh.

- Get behind here.

- I got a way to get us in there

and you're gonna lead us.

- How did she ever get up in that tree?

- She's gonna catapult.

- How did she ever get up
there with all those guns?

- If I know Vera she's got 'em lined up

like a shootin galley.

- Looks like Bob's okay.

- I bet she's got sandwiches up there too.

- We could spread out an
rush her from three sides.

- That's exactly what
she expects us to do.

- Is she a good shot?

- Oh she can hit anything she can see.

- If we were to rush out there,

we'd all three be dead
before we could reach her.

- Looks kinda like Jane
Russel in the outlaw.

- What are we gonna do?

- Both sanctions.

- Let me think a minute.

Now she figures that she can shoot us,

but we can't shoot her.

- And that's bad for us right?

- We got nothin to shoot her with.

- That's right, so if we could shoot her,

the surprise will be on our side.

- Yeah that'd be a real surprise alright.

- Come on I got an idea.

- Angels, you're going undercover

at the swimsuit competition.

- Wait what was our plan?

I'm all confused.

- I used to make these when I was a kid.

Got a couple of rats with 'em once.

- Weird childhood.

- Sure hope you can get one more.

- How far do you think you can throw it?

- I'm not exactly the
smallest girl in the class.

- Wow what a range.

- But no trajectory.

- I'll circle around.

And then when I whistle like I told ya

get her to take a shot at ya.

Ya gotta get her to take a shot at ya

but don't do it so good
you get yourself killed.

Understand?

- Ah what risk are you taking again?

- Man I sure hope you
can throw that thing.

- I do too now go on.

- So now Eve Martin's in charge.

- Ya know I bet they prolly miss

the curfew at the prison already.

- This is Curt Gowdy,
join me Touch Conners

and Eve Martin as we
hunt for Beverly Garland

on the Louisiana bayou.

- Hello.

- Who dee who, who dee who.

- Hey Vera.

- Oh hi.

- What are the bullets gonna fall on her?

- Oh hot, ooh.

- Hey Vera,

- I just wanna know if you
have any cream rinse left.

- She caught it.

- Sss, oh think I woulda learned.

- Top a the tree ma.

- Why don't they come out?

- I don't know, kinda weird isn't it?

- Branch Conners.

- Uh oh, sn, sn,

- Oh ah I'm here.

(80's music)

- Hey hey what are ya doin?

- What?

- Wait a minute, she tied him to a tree

he can pull outta the ground.

- Is that the tree she's in?

- Hey Snake Conners.

- Oh good catch Beverly.

- Oh that was worse than the gun.

- There goes bikini season for me.

- Hoo ha.

- Uh oh.

- Hey he was just a Manics fan.

He wanted his autograph.

- Off the three meter
bar, Beverly Garland.

- I got her, come on.

- Now we gotta field dress her.

- She's dead.

- Jim.

- Are you okay?

- Lot better than I was.

- She's dead alright.

Real dead.

- Now those two look like Kabooki actors.

- That snake almost got you.

- Ah.

- There's on thing I
can't stand it's snakes.

Can't ya get rid of it?

- I didn't care much for this one either.

Another second and I'd a been dead.

- She shot it?

- Yeah.

- Before the spear got her?

- No afterwards.

Last thing she did before she fell.

- Redemption ladies and
gentlemen, redemption.

- Funny thing, she always wanted to kill.

Kill anything.

And the last thing she
did was save his life.

- The last thing she did was

kill a snake.

- Mmm ya don't need Andria
Dworkin to figure that one out.

- Well we're back on track.

We lost another one at that campsite.

- And as we re-entered the clam flow-age

- Would you please.

- I'm sorry.

- So this gun was actually
in Betty Lou's handbag.

- Would you please.

- Stop it.

- Okay we need volunteers to
get killed at this campsite.

- How much further we gotta go now Josie?

- Just a couple a more miles.

- Oh let's go.

- We're not takin any chances.

They're probly waiting for us.

Gonna get dark pretty soon.

I wanna see when I get outta here.

- Please, call me Touch.

- I'm not interested in
how you lost those girls.

I'm only interested in finding them.

- I know I haven't been
in the film for awhile.

- Slightest suspicion
and they'd just assume

kill Lieutenant Hampton as look at her.

- Two dollars for the
first minute, I understand.

- Doesn't matter now
whether we're seen or not.

The important thing is to make contact.

Sure it's a big jungle but
we've got a big force out there.

- Yeah apparently they
brought their evil in there.

- Alright.

- Dick come in here will ya.

- One two three four five six seven eight,

20 40 50 million so over.

- I can hardly wait to get to that fence

and turn these diamonds
into spendin money.

- She's cleanin your gun
with nail polish remover.

- How much is the cut
three ways now huh Josie?

- Seems to me you'd like to
get to that fence too Lee.

- Huh?

Oh I ah, I got one of my own.

- We grew up together.

- Well maybe he could
give me a better price.

- Boy she looks like Vince Edwards.

- About the same.

- Ya never know.

How would I get in touch with him?

- I'd rather keep that to myself.

- Well that's a fine way to act

after what we've done for you.

- It hasn't been a one way street ya know.

- No it's been more like a parkway.

- That's right.

- Well I don't think it's very,

- Forget it Billy.

Well we should be out of
here in a couple of hours.

- The movie?

- It's sure gonna seem funny

without you orderin me around Josie.

- Gonna seem funny without
you an Vera squabblin

all the time too.

- Boy women convicts are
a lot more supportive.

- Sure will.

- Oh my rides here, bye.

- Oh it's just my police back up.

- Aren't you?

They prolly got this
whole jungle surrounded.

- So it's a jungle or a swamp?

- I don't know.

- Poor old Vera,

- She shoulda let that snake get Bob.

- What do you mean?

- Save us the trouble.

- Aw Josie, can't you
think a no other way.

He's cute.

- He may be cute but
as long as he can talk,

we got a couple extra murder raps.

- And ya got one, ya got a dozen.

- Just tie him up an leave him.

- Why should we?

- Ah what are you guys
talkin about over there?

- Edge of the jungle.

A gunshot will bring whoever's
looking for us a runnin.

- So what's my sub text here, hello?

- Lookin for us.

- You sure don't like gun shots do ya?

- Not when they attract
attention and get us caught.

- You don't like 'em when
they kill anybody either.

- Touch back here, really don't
have much of a role anymore.

Can I leave?

- I wonder if you've got any guts.

- She sure don't like
to see no body get hurt.

- Not when it's not necessary.

- Seems to me that this one's necessary.

- Ears are burnin.

- The sound'll bring 'em.

- There won't be any sound.

- Would you like to try it?

- Mumbly peg?

- Why should I, it's not my idea.

- Might make us all feel a little closer.

- Yeah, why should we be the only ones

with the murder rap on our heads.

- Hey guys, ah don't kill me okay.

- I'm part of the gang now right?

- Thank ya very much.

- Okay you two wing nuts I'll do it.

- Give me your gun.

- Why should I?

I'll kill him for ya if ya want.

Gimme the knife.

- It's just a little late.

Give me your gun.

- Uh oh.

- Are there scenes like this in

The Gun in Betty Lou's Handbag?

- No there aren't scenes like this in

The Gun in Betty Lou's Handbag.

- Did you see it?

- No would you.

- Wonder if it's on video.

- Would you just watch.

- Whoa this tunnel vision there.

- Didn't you see that big
beige thing comin at her?

- Hey Roy,

check out the action over there.

- Head butt.

- Oh.

- When you're a jet,
you're a jet all the way.

- Classic Manic's disarm.

- Very nice.

- No really I'm a cop.

You have the right to remain silent.

Oh ow.

- Oh she's got her in a Mark Eaton.

- Ooh.

- Uh.

- Pepper never would have stood for this.

- Uh uh.

- Ouch.

- Come on end of the wire.

- There ya go that's better.

- Come on.

- What kind of police
force is this anyway?

- Sends one of yours to the cellar

ya send one of hers to the spa.

That's the Chicago way.

- I said you have the
right to remain silent.

- Bad Touch.

Bad Touch.

- Touch you're crowding the plate.

- That's a Spock move.

- Swing an a miss, oh and two.

- Uh.

Ooh.

- She's blonde Jim.

- Now I suppose you wanna hit me too.

- Uh I think you're makin
some assumptions here.

- Would you untie me?

- Hey, don't Touch Conners me there.

- I'm gonna have to take ya in.

- What, is he a cop?

- Wait, Touch and Go, their cops.

- I'll go.

- Oh oh he's kissing her her rights.

- You have the right to remain hot,

anything I have will be held against you.

(sirens)

- Well, here comes the lunch wagon.

- The police boat.

- Don't worry, I'll stand by you.

- But pinch comes.

- Well pat, what about how?

- How?

- No.

- Snake.

- What are you havin?

- Snack.

- Slap.

- In the superior court of
Los Angeles a trial was held.

In a moment, the results of that trial.

- Fox, their corporation for their flaming

produce wash to meets.

Meyer Lansky Theend.

- Oh for cr-.

- Th, th, thee.

- The end.

- So this bag that Betty Lou had.

- Oh wow Tom that sounds great.

Then what'd you do on your date?

- Well then I walked
her back to her place.

- Yeah and.

- I shared more of my
insights into ice fishing.

- Yes.

- And.

- And.

- Well she basically implied
that she was just dying

to see me again.

- Tom that's great.

- And it was so obvious,
the way she just sort of

barked bye then rushed into her room,

slammed the door threw the bolts,

flipped the lock, set the chain.

Hey, might as well call her right now.

Joel would ya do the honors.

- Yeah haha.

(numbers dialing)

(phone ringing)

- Yep.

Kid's probably sittin by the phone.

(phone ringing)

(phone ringing)

(phone ringing)

(phone ringing)

(phone ringing)

(phone ringing)

- [Voiceover] Hello,

- Hi.

- [Voiceover] Who is this?

- It's me Tom.

- [Voiceover] Tom who?

- Tom Servo.

- [Voiceover] Tom, oh I'm glad you called.

Um I don't think we should
see each other anymore.

Let's just be friends, kay, bye.

(dial tone)

- That's too bad Tom.

- You okay buddy?

- Yeah I'm fine.

Don't get me.

Yeah.

Fine big deal, no problem, fine.

- Well listen, if it gets bad for ya

we're here alright, okay,

listen we gotta really nice letter here.

Ya love letters don't ya?

- I like 'em fine.

I don't like 'em any more
or less than any other day.

What do you mean by that?

- This is from Cindy Ketterling.

Let's put that up on
still store there Cambot.

And she writes,

my fiance and I do not
watch very much television

since most of it is only fit
for the likes of TV's Frank.

But we are both devoted fans of MST3TK.

It is the only thing on television

that we watch on a regular basis.

Enclosed you will find
a wedding invitation.

I will be getting married soon.

My boyfriend and I love the show.

I took him to see The
Sword and the Sorcerer

and he still asked me out again.

It must be true love.

Also please tell Gypsy

- Gypsy.

- That if she can take a short break from

running the Harder Functions
of the Satellite of Love

and can shuttle down to
Earth for a few hours,

she can be one of my bridesmaids.

- Oh, fine, fine I hope you
all will be very happy together

Cindy, oh man,

I can't let Gypsy see me like this.

Is my mascara running?

- No you're fine.

- Okay.

I gotta go listen to one of my

Dan Hill albums and just lay down.

An if Gypsy calls, I'm on a
date with Cindy Crawford okay.

- Does this mean Gypsy's available?

- Now what do you think Servo.

- Shh.

I'm watching me on the U-View.

Michelle Pfeiffer and I have
just had a fabulous date.

We flew over to Paris on the Concord

for a late night dinner on the left bank.

I drove the plane for awhile.

Oh what's happening.

I'm dropping Michelle off at her place?

She's motioning for me
to come into her place.

Yes Frank alright, woo.

You ole dog you.

Wait a minute, what am I doing?

I'm looking at my watch.

I'm pulling a TV guide
out from my back pocket,

I'm looking at the listings.

I'm telling Michelle I can't stay

cause I have to be home
in time for Baywatch.

What the hell are you thinking.

Stupid idiot dope.

Oh oh oh oh oh.

Oh push the button Frank.