Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 6, Episode 23 - Village of the Giants - full transcript

- * In the not
too distant future *

* We're down in Deep 13

* Dr. Forrester
and TV's Frank *

* Were hatching
an evil scheme *

* They hired a temp
by the name of Mike *

* Just a regular Joe
they didn't like *

* Their experiment
needed a good test case *

* So they conked him
on the noggin *

* And they
shot him into space *

- Let...me...go!

* We'll send him
cheesy movies *

* The worst we can find

- * La, La, La
- * La, La, La

* He'll have to sit
and watch them all *

* And we'll
monitor his mind *

- * La, La, La
- * La, La, La

* Now keep in mind
Mike can't control *

* Where the movies
begin or end *

- * La, La, La
- * La, La, La

* He'll try to keep
his sanity *

* With the help
of his robot friends *

* Robot roll call Cambot

- * Gypsy, Tom Servo
- Hello, there!

* Crooooow!

* If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes *

- * And other science facts
- * La, La, La

* Just repeat to yourself,
"It's just a show. *

* I should
really just relax." *

* For
Mystery Science
Theater 3000 **

[Squeaking, slamming sounds]

[Beep]

[Slamming, Electrical
Doors Closing]

- Ugh!

- * Send that chicken fat
back to the chicken *

* And don't be
chicken again *

* Da, Da, Da, Dup
Da, Da, Da, Da, Dup **

- Hi, everyone.

Welcome to
the satellite of love.

Mike Nelson here
with my friends Crow T. Robot

and Tom Servo.

You caught us
in the middle of our
quarterly workout.

Crow,
I think you need to add
more weights.

- Here we go.
- I don't actually think I do.

Ahh! Oh, no!

- Tom,
that can't be doing much.

Let's say we throw
the medicine ball around.

- No, no, no, no, no, no!

- * [Humming]
- Ah, thank you.

If you can't take
30 minutes out of each year,

you don't
deserve a hot date.

We'll be right back.

[Grumbling, Groaning]

- Pretty good workout,
ey, men?

[Grumbling, Groaning]

Got a juicer here.
Want some juice?

- Oh, juice...
- Juice? I thought it was pop.

- All right.
There we go.

- Mike, that's an egg.
- Yep. What's the matter,

you don't like the juice
of a hardboiled egg?

- [Laughing]
- [Laughing]

- Why, you can
put anything in here,

sausage,
a little bacon.

but you know, boys,
sometimes I just can't wait.

- Oh, barf!
- [Yelling]

- [Mumbling]

- Ah, losers in the sky.

Big doings down here,
Deep 13.

Skyrocketing costs
have begun to impair even
my weekly bonus program.

So, I've been thinking
outside of the box

and at the end of the day
you're going to see some

real changes around here.

Yes, we're re-engineering
and, ah, Frank here

will be spearheading
our outplacement program.

- Me? Oh, wow.
- That's right, Frank.

We've got deadwood.
We've got to cut costs.

- Exactly.
I think you're right.

- Well, of course
I'm right, Frank.

Now, here,
round this person up
and can his ass.

- Okay, let's see.

Ah, "Frank TV's."
Oh, poor guy.

He's probably
got a family...Hey!

- Well, that's that.
Painful, yes,

but I've got to think
of the greater me.

What color is your
parachute, Frank?

- I don't have a parachute.
- Bummer.

Well, here's your
parting gift...

- Oh, neat.

- ...And here's your
farewell dinner.

- But Frank's
your most valued employee.

- How will he eat?
- How will he live?

- Oh, he'll be okay.
Look how hirable he is.

Ah, we--
well, Frank, ah,

I'm going to miss
seeing you around here.

Um, well,
it's been nice.

Hah, good luck.
Off with you now.

- Shoo, shoo.
- But I still live here.

- Goodbye, Frank.

Well, Marcel,

your movie this week is called
Village Of The Giants.

made by Bert I. Gordon

who's also
not working much anymore.

[Chuckles]

- Should I push the button,
Dr. Forrester?

- Frank,
you're fired!

Oh...g-- Ah!
Just a minute...

- Frank, buddy...

[Overlapping Ranting]

- Hm.
- [Intro Music Plays]

- Oh, my.
Oh, my word.

- Wow.

Wild, wild,
rebels.

Man, I love these
"blue blockers."

- Haha, haha!

Oh, Madonna,
what're you up to now?

Haha, haha!

[GO-GO MUSIC PLAYING]

- The extra 'E'

is for 'Extra Levine.'

- This is everything
Laugh-In could've been!

- Wow. You know,
they don't look

- that big to me.
- Uh-uh.

- Uh-uh.

- 'Based on?' Oh, that
they're both in English.

- This could be based on
'Profiles and Courage.'

- Oh, by Theodore Sorensen?
- Yes.

- Heh. Boy these kids today,

You just can't tell 'em apart!

- Yeah you know like,
look at that kid there,

with his long hair,
his firm buttocks,

his pert breasts and a-oh,
wait a minute.

- [Like A Chef]
And just a 'hint'
of Toni Basil.

Ha, ha, ha.

Hi, Beau.

- Beau knows awkward dancing.

- [Warbling To The Music]

- She's just trying
to get attention!

- Mm-hm.

Ha, ha.

- Oh, Jack Nitzsche.

That which does not kill you
makes you more musical.

[GO-GO MUSIC PLAYING]

- Pioneers
in really, big stuff.

- [Humming To Music]

Oh, you know she made
her own costume herself?

She's really
very talented.

Mm-hm.

- So guys, what stage
of The Wonder Years

do you think
this is anyway?

- Somehow this film
is a metaphor

for the Vietnam war.

- Somehow.
- Russ Tit-elman?

Tit-elman, can they say that,
can they, huh?

Hah.

- So, you think
this music's ever gonna get

near a melody or what?!

- Nobody cares
about these people.

Let's just get on with it.

- I care.
- Oh.

- You know,
this is not gonna take
the pounds off.

It's not aerobic.
It's anaerobic.

- Yeah, and it's
contra-indicative.

Contramunipa...
Contraindic--

- Look out!
She's gonna chunk!

- [Gasps]
- Oh.

- When Catholic girls let go,
they really let go.

- Wow.

[Thunder, Lightning]

- So I 'sed' to the guy,
I 'sed.' 'Sed.' Ha, ha, ha.

- [As Captain Kirk]
The rain pelted the hovercraft,

as it approached Torrean 5.

- The forecast
is for bright sun,
with intense rain.

Ha, ha, ha.

- It's raining cats and tires!

Ha!

- Senator Kennedy,
are you all right?

- Soo, I guess Jesus
was run down with a Thunderbird.

- [Whistles]

- Oh, this is where
Thelma & Louise landed.

- [Screaming In Joy]
- Oh, buddy.

- Oh, no,
she's tonguing
the universe.

- Oh.
- Uh, oh!

[Screaming Continues]

- Acid rain is fun!

- You could learn a lot
from a dummy.

- You ever heard about
'turkey's in the rain'?

- It's a-drive, baby!
Let's rock!

- Ooohhh.

- So far,
there's not 'thing one'
wrong with this movie.

- Turn up that radio.

Hey, let's have some
beer out here!

- Creamed corn anyone?

- Never was a car crash
celebrated so well.

- [Tom & Crow Agreeing]

- * Here's to good friends

* Tonight is kind of special

- Ugh, stop licking Beau.

- Eck!

If it rains much more,
it will turn into Sea Hunt.

- [Giggling]
- [Music Continues Playing]

- Hey, that's the Monkey.
- I thought it was the jerk.

- No, the jerks
are doing the Monkey.

- Oh, ho, ho!

- * Woman

* Woman, woman,
woman, woman, woman *

- Witness the debauchery
of Grecco-Roman dancing!

- If her pants were any tighter,
they'd be behind her.

- [Laughter]
- Wow.

- [Makes Crashing Sounds]

- Oh, it looks like
a Pupa trying to emerge.

- Ugh.
- Wrong.

[Music Playing]

All right,
who gave the kids sugar?

[Laughing, Music Playing]

- Oh, she's the shy, smart one.
- Ha, ha!

- Mike, do you think this scene
is providing characterization

and establishing narrative?

- No, but who cares?

- [In Elsa's Voice]
Wait 'til mom finds out
I'm in a movie.

- * Woman
- * Woman

- The main sewer line breaks,
and the party never stops!

- These kids
are just 'high on life.'
Let 'em go, I say.

[Screaming With Excitement]

- Well, he's contracted
dance fever from Deney Terrio.

- Ow!

* Mistah Mojo Risin'

- * Woman
- Camel-toe.

- Ooo!
- No, don't,

my pants
are a little too tight
for this sort of thing.

- Hey, what kind
of a party is this?!

- Hey,
did each person or persons

get explicit
consent for this?

- When this is over,
you know they'll be

too embarrassed
to look at each other.

- Ow, my collarbone!
I can't feel my legs!

- Mm, mud-honey.

- Hey Blatz!
Ooh, I love Blatz!

- I bet Beau
still has nightmares about
the making of this film.

[Giggling]

- If I were here,
I'd sit in the car,

and listen to the radio.

- This is the wildest
Christmas party yet.

We top each other
every year!

- You'll get
'The Pigskin Preview,'

and also 'The Year in Sex.'
Ha, ha, ha.

- You'll need
'All-Temperature-Cheer'
to get those pants clean.

- Yes, but how will they erase
the shame of this movie?

- Ooh.

- Whoa!
Hah, well, at this point,
what's inappropriate?

Ha, ha!

- Unreleased footage
from The Piano.

- Couldn't they
have used all this time
to show short scenes

of their growing discontent
with society's morey's?

- Well, they got a lot
of wet boob shots in.

- Hey.

- Must, get to, busted, sign.

- Hey!
- Oh! We have dialog!

- Let's go to Hainesville
to have some fun, huh?

- What have you been doing?
- Yeah, but how are we

gonna get there?

- Those long, long legs, baby!

- Ah, three miles,
are you kidding?!

- Hey, it's a wild idea,
let's go down to the 'go-go's'

and cause
a little trouble, huh?

- Are you serious?
That's three miles away!

- Oh, baby,
it'll be good for ya!

- Harry, the overnight bags!
- Yes, Madam.

- Hey, besides,
there's this broad down there

I've always had my eye on,
what's her name?

- Koruba!
- Nancy! N-Nancy or something

or the w-w-wait a minute--

- Oo, that's not mud. Oo!

- Oo.

* [Instrumental Version
of 'Marianne' Playing] *

- * A summer place

* A summer place

- [As Announcer]
Model home may not be available

as seen.

- Pretty nice system,
that's a Thorens Turntable
with a Conrad-Johnson Amp.

Stasis Class A.

- Ozzie & Harriet,
after dark. [Growls]

- This is Tommy Kirk
really acting.

- Ooh.

- [As Dog]
I'm next. Ruff.

- Ugh.
- Ew!

- Even the dog's grossed out!

- [Disgusting Slurping Noises]

- Uh-oh.

- When do your parents
get back in town?

- They're spending the night
in Los Angeles.

- [Deep Voice]
Oh, yeah...

[Speaking French]

Oh, that's French.

- There's a big landslide
up the road.

- A landslide?

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
- I bet you are.

- So, what's for dinner?
- Hey, Mike!

- Look what I got.
- Eeewww.

- Am2Su, HCSoF,
and Magnesium Sulfate.

How about that, Mike?

- It's very impressive,
Genius.

- They're not compatible.
- Like you guys.

- This is supposed to blow up.

- I wonder why it doesn't.
- Poor Ron.

- You and I aren't going to be
very compatible either Genius,

if you don't get out of here.

- I hope that
blows up in his face so I
don't have to see Willow.

- Hey, I liked Willow.

- Crash! Agh! Clastic liquid
all over my face! Agh!

- I don't know either.
But, uh, whatever it is,

I like it.

- Oh, take me,
you savage Mouseketeer.

- Oh, you're good for me,
Nancy, you know that?

- Uh-uh.
- Oh, you are very, very good.

- But I'm afraid
I'm gonna have to fire you.

Cut-backs.

- I never knew
you liked good girls.

- I don't.
They talk too much.

- And they smell weird!

- So?

- So, stop talking so much.

- Did you have
Kung Pao Chicken?

[Explosion, Crashing Sound]

- Aaaa, Aunt Bea,
I can't find my legs!

- Help me!
- [Laughter]

- I flip, I flip,
I flip, flip. Flip!

- [As Jerry Lewis]
Hoiman, hoiman!

[Coughs]

[Grumbles]

- Honey, I shrunk the Opie.
- Boing!

- I blinded me with Science!

- That's not really
what I was trying to do.

- Genius,
are you all right?

- [As Genius]
Suddenly I want to direct.

- Of course I'm all right.
Why shouldn't I be?

- Well,
you could've been killed.

- Oh, nonsense.
- [Mild Screeching Sound]

- Well, you could have.

- I put an electric charge
to that stuff I was mixing,

- and then-- Pow!--
- I am so ashamed.

- --the whole place blew up!

- Hm, Tommy's not too hard
to entertain.

- Hah, hah, no.

- Nice of Tommy
to stay awake for this scene.

- I wonder what that is.

- [As Mike]
I wonder what 'The King"
is doing tonight?

- Do you think it might be
ammonia-astride sulfate?

- No. It's either pancake mix,
or an octopus.

- [Small Chuckles]
- Don't try to be funny.

- What a relief.

- [As Dr. Strangelove]
Mein Fuehrer, I can walk! Arf!

- Yes, but what does it mean?!

- Hey, Thomasina!
- Don't get that cat involved.

- Please.

- A mess.

All right Genius,
put your talents

to cleaning this up.
Go get a broom.

- Things
this kid comes up with.
Fantastic!

- Fan-tas-tic.
- I suppose.

Anyway,
he does keep things
from getting dull,

if he just
wouldn't overdo it.

- Mm, you can taste
the codfish flavor!

- Num-num.
- Shoo.

Go on, beat it.

- Num-num.
- [Meows]

- Whoa. It's a
'Peanut-Opie-Buster Parfait.'

Ha, ha, ha!

- Mike!
- Don't forget the cherry!

- You nearly stepped on it!

- On what?

- You might've set it off.

You really
must be more careful.

- His burglar alarm.

- How's it work?
Pretty good?

- I don't know.
I never really tried it out.

Only in theory.
In theory, it works fine.

- Well,
build a better mousetrap,

and they'll
beat a path to your door,
they always say.

- Shut up.
- Not 'mouse trap,'

'burglar trap.'

I'm going to patent it.

- Um, I'm gonna have to ask you
to start making sense here.

- [Gasps]
Scatters! Look out!

- Am I nuts or something?

- Huh, ooh, Puss-n-boots!
- [Growls Angrily]

- I'll say.
- If you are...

We all are.

- Ah,
this ain't good for me! Oh!

- [Growls]

- Uh, they never should've
delayed that spaying.

- Got get him, Woof.
Sic 'em, boy!

- Up yours, Opie.
I ain't goin'.

- He'll make a great lap cat
for William Conrad.

- [Chuckles]

Oh, for dumb.

Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.

- Dumb, dumb, dumb-dumb, dumb.
- Atta boy Woof, sic 'em!

- [Sighs]
- Well, that's over.

- That cat was eating that.
- Diddley durhey.

- What've we got here?

- I suppose
the correct name would be

'ammonia actride sulfate,
deethyly choloricin.'

- [Southern Drawl]
And some other really
scientific stuff.

- Perhaps
we ought to call it Goo.
Would that be simpler?

- No, not really.

- You know what?
- What?

- That's what.
- Oh!

- We're gonna make us
a million bucks.

- I s'pose.

- [Quacking]
- The million dollar ducks!

- [Quack, Quack]

- [As Groucho Marx]
Hey, this isn't kosher,
I should be eating this.

- H.G. Wells'
'Food of the Ducks!'

- [Quacking]

- Sorry we couldn't show you
the 'actual growing sequence.'

- Oh, great.

Now there's gonna be
duck stuff all over the yard.

- Can you imagine
if you fed this to cattle,
or-or to chickens?

- Or Jim J. Bullock?
- Five, six times this size!

Imagine the money.

Genius,
the first thing
you gotta do

is make some more
of this stuff.

- If he can remember
what he made it from.

- Of course I can!

- Oh boy,
we're going inside now!

Hoop, dee doo,
dee doop, dee doo.

- [Quack, Quack]

- Go to the Dells,
ride the ducks!

Ha, ha.

- Huh? Rrr-rrr...

real chunks
of sodium diethylate.

[Chewing Sounds]

- [As Daffy Duck]
What sin could a duck commit
in a single lifetime?

- [Humming]

- Willow.
- Koruba!

- First thing we'll do
is patent the formula.

- First we find it.
- And market it.

- Then we love!

- Can you imagine the problems
we're gonna solve?

Unlimited food supply
at practically no extra cost!

Oh, and we gotta
keep this secret,

- absolutely secret.
- Of course.

- Mm, mm.
* The Wells Fargo wagon

* is-a-- Hm? Mm.

- * Comin' down...
- All right, Woof.

- Scarlotti?

- [Deep Voice]
I wanna go walkies!

[Dramatic Gulping Sounds
Mimicking Guitar Beats]

- Well, come on in.
- [As Woof] I can't,

- I'm a cheap effect.
- That's our freakish mishap.

- He must've eaten
some of the Goo

when you fed the du--

Oh, Mike!
The ducks are gone!

Our secret's flown the coop!

- [Mimicking Dramatic Music]

- Oh, cool, Paris is burning.
- Okay to leave my stuff here?

- Yeah, why not?
They close this place down,

- nobody comes here anymore.
- Huh? The curtains are alive!

- Boy I was sure dirty.

I'm glad
we found this place
to clean up in.

- [As Cowboy]
She cleaned up real nice, Pa.

- [High Voice]
I tried soaking them out,
and scrubbing them out!

- Hey aren't you guys
ready yet?

- I wanna go dancing!
- Boi-ing, Boi-ing!

I'll go get some mud!

It's hard to get
a matinée audience.

- [Dying Noises]

- Aha!
- Come on guys,

I wanna do
my Andy Williams Revue!

- Now what
is the story on you guys,

- you're gonna kill yourselves!
- You like my Orlon sweater?

- Be ready in a minute.
- Wohahahahaoh!

- Boy, this place
is really groovy!

- Ha! Kids today.
- Hey ah, what?

Are you girls
gonna take all night, huh?

- I'm coming.
- No, you're combing.

[Laughing]

- Dig that nitty-gritty!

- Stop slanging!
What are you saying?!

[Chuckling]

That's a go-go!
Let's get over there.

- Does she have bionic hearing?

- ["When it Comes
to Your Love" playing]

- It's the Beau Brummels!
- The Beau Bridges Brummels!

- The Beau Brummel Bridges
of Madison County!

- [Laughing]
- Okay, okay.

- Play 'Laugh Loud!'

- Play 'Woman woman
woman woman!'

- * ...I'm not
the sharin' kind... *

- What is that,
animal from the Muppets
in the front there?

[As Animal]
Wo-man!

- Hey, Keno Reeves on bass!

[As Keanu Reeves]
I will go to Count Dracula.

[Singing to Music]

- I can dance and chew gum.

- [Singing]
* Lucas McCain.
Tha-at's his kid. *

[Laughing]

- Of course,
the famous 'Whiskey-a-go-go'

in Hainesville.

- Hey, wanna fix those pipes
while you're up there?

- Looks like a sea anemone.

- A lab experiment
gone horribly wrong.

**

- Ooh, she's been bloodlet.

- Good God! Step back!
Kiss ma'self! Woo-Ah! Ow!

**

- [With Beatles Accent]
I'm so embarrassed,

we all wore the same thing.

I hope we're English.

- Wow,
we're really ugly,
aren't we?

- [Humming to Music]

- Kind of a
Al Pacino look for him, huh?

- Could you play
with your mouth closed?

- And one,
and two and three and--
oh I lost it. Shoot!

- I can count,
three-four!

- Hey, Suzanne Somers.

- * I don't care for--
- Which one's Beau?

- Which one's Brummel?

- * I want you...
- Uh, don't sing with me, Roy.

- Your USC Trojans!

[Makes Crowd Roar Sounds]

- Oh, I thought 'The Fugs'
were gonna be here.

- I'm stuck.

- Hey, get a load
of that Red-head up there, huh?

- Hey, are you
getting a load of me?

[Shaky Voice]
I can't stop doing this!

Oooowhoa!

- Hey,
it's Christian sensation
Grant Goodeve.

[Singing Along with Music]
Ah, G, D, B, E...whatever.

- Come on honey, let's dance!

- Isn't there
a movie in here somewhere?

- You gotta dig.
- Hey, isn't that

the Asian performance artist
who broke up the Beau Brummels?

- [Gasps]
- Hey, lookin' back,

it's a picture
of The Master and his Wife.

- * Why do you
wanna cheat on me? *

- * Have you looked
in the mirror lately? *

- * Woman
- What?

- * Woman!
- What?

- * Why do you wanna cheat

* On me?

- [As Keanu Reeves]
That is most dubious, dude.

- My life is a lie!

- Look at
the size of those ducks!
Where'd they come from?!

- Obviously, the turtle Gamera
can't be far behind!

- Wow, look at those ducks.

- Now this is ridiculous!
- Yeah. First of all

we're assuming
they paid cover.

- Yeah,
where'd they get the money?

- Maybe they
put it on their 'bill.'

- Doh! Ugh!
- Doh! Ugh! Hit him!

- Ha, ha, ha, ha!
- Here duck!

[Quacking]

- Eh, what could
take my eyes off the duck?

- Oh, hah.
I love hip-huggers,
don't you?

Ha, ha.

- Whoa.

Hey, shake it, Lady Di!

- Hm. It's better than
the Gymcorp.

- 'Howard the Duck:
Behind the Green Door.'

* ...Why

* Why did you
wanna say goodbye? **

[Metal Clanging, Beeping]

- Why,
I think we'd better
see how Frank is.

- Yeah, good idea.
- Frank honey, are you okay?

- Hey Clay, check it out.

John Vernon's
on Acapulco Heat.

- Frank, do you even plan on
looking for a job today?

- Hey, I put in
some applications.

Aaa, I made some calls.

- Frank,
you haven't moved
since Vicky.

Now help me clean up.
I've got an applicant coming.

- Well, I can see-- What?!

- Oh Frank, don't worry.
It might not even work out.

- I don't plan on paying him.
- [Doorbell Rings]

Ah, it's open!

- Knock, knock.

- Ah Mr. Torgo, come in.

[Dramatic Music Playing on TV]

- I ah...

My references.

- Ah. Uh...

Ew.

Eck.

Oh, I see you
worked for the Master.

- From '73 to present.

- And you owned your own

food delivery service
for a time I see here.

- There were
sanitation problems.

- I see.

Um, any physical problems
that would prevent you from--

Frank, do you mind?!

Any physical problems
that would prevent you

from performing
your responsibilities here?

- Um...No.

- And finally,

what would you say
are your greatest strengths

and your greatest weaknesses?

- Well, I ah,
I work too hard.

- Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
- [Stifled Chuckle]

I'm ah, seriously though,

I, mm...

I always finish what I start,

and I make animal sacrifices

by the dark of night.

- Terrific!

Mr. Torgo, I'm willing
to offer you a position.

- Oh, whoopie.

- You'll start immediately.

You'll work
twenty-four hours a day,

you'll live on the premises
in a three by three closet,

and you'll
be paid in Skunk pelts.

- Dr. Forrester.
I'm your man.

- [Laughing to Self]

Ah-- Ah! Oh, wonderful!

Ah, let me show you
to your accommodations.

Wait. Ah, first rule:

No Theme music.

- What Theme music?

[Dramatic Theme Music
Playing on TV]

- [Go-Go Music Playing]
- [Humming]

- Hey, I didn't know it was
'Big Duck' night tonight.

- You know,
as into Bert I was
with the '50s,

- he just didn't get the '60s.
- [Quack, Quack]

- Hey, those are my ducks!

- Well, get 'em outta here!

- You're kidding,
how did they get like that?

- It's the new breed.
- Oh, from Texas, huh?

- Okay, shut up!
Come on, man,
don't hand me that.

What happened to 'em?
What's going on?

- [Tough Guy Drawl]
What's going on around here?

- Man, what a meal
they'd make, huh?

- Take it back!
Take it back!

- What have you
been feeding 'em?

- Ah, it's my secret.
It's a million-dollar secret.

- [Quacking to Music]
- Ah, strings.

You can see the strings,
call the SPCA!

- Hey, listen.
Pete's got a great idea.

- Peroxide.

- Harry asked
the vital question:

what they've been
feeding those ducks?

- So?

- Well, it's some sort
of a food additive, obviously.

- It couldn't be
anything else, could it?

- What's goin' on around here?
- They're keeping a secret.

- A million-dollar secret
they said.

- I like the sound of it.
- Thought you'd like it.

- I thought you'd like it.
- [Baby Talk]

- Chicks love big ducks,
let's face it.

- Tell you what we're gonna do,
it's gonna be very simple...

- Okay, first we get
a lot of orange sauce,

and some bas motti rice,
some chestnuts.

- Oh.

- It's hard to form a 'V'
when there's just two of us.

Quack.

I'd offer to help,
but the 'no thumbs' thing
gets in the way, Opie.

- Ronnie's starting to look good
to that dog right about now.

- Oh, what to do
about Clint, hm?

- I really am big, aren't I?

- Darkboy.
- Look at him.

The little kid,
plotting against us

with Willow.

- I liked Willow.
- Oh, you liked W--

Kevin Pollack,
you like that?

- Point taken.

- Ah, he blew his hand up!

- It's funny!
- [Laughing]

- Charlie,
they took my thumbs.

- Charlie.
- The 'Ope' of Greenich Village.

- [Laughing]
- Interesting,

but not quite what we wanted.

- Back and to the left.

- Ew.

- Uh-oh, uh-oh.
- [Making Exploding Sound]

- Okay, while the Beau Brummels
take a break, it's record time!

- Then it's time to collect
for the Will Rogers Institute.

- Make the fringe move!
- [Laughing]

- [As Barry White]
Oh yeah,

we're gonna
slow it down now, Baby,
to a [Speaking French].

What's that?
Oh, that's French, baby.

It means:
You were incredible.

[Singing to the
Rhythm of the Music]

- * Cherish is the word

* I use to describe

- Um, can I torment you
with my femininity?

- Okay?
- Ees typical.

- Sure.

- Don't you want to dance?

- Waiting for my girl.

- 'Bird in the hand'
they always say.

- I don't know
what that means.

- They say
it's good for the figure--

- 'the jerk.'
- Must be.

- Wh-what? Huh?

- How'd you
get into town anyway?
The road's out.

- We walked down,
all the way from the slide.

- Well, the small talk
isn't really working, huh?

- It's a long walk.

- They say
it's good for the legs.

- Mm-what?

- That's what they say.
- I don't really get it.

- One Coke, please.

- [As Bogart]
Of all the disco techs
in the world,

why'd she
have to come in here?

- I'm glad to see
Satan's art is on sale.

- Say uh,
they got a pretty good
crowd here tonight.

- Got ya some ice.
- Uh, yes.

- Here you are, honey.
- I never saw anyone

- do that before.
- Wait up, Nell!

- I have strong hands.
- I guess.

- Muscles are very
important to me.

- Oh, really?
- Oh, yeah.

- What is it,
some sort of vitamin?

- Is it known
for its work in the theater?

- Vitamin?
- Stuff that made the ducks

grow like that.

- Oh, yeah, that.

Well, I guess you could
call it a vitamin

if you wanted to.

- Like a pill or something?

- Yeah, yeah that's right.

- No I-I spend a lot of my time
heaping around sides of beef,

my old man's
in the meat business
in Los Angeles.

- Isn't that interesting?
- Goodbye!

- Yeah.
A 400-pound side of beef
over your shoulder

really does
tighten up your muscles,
let me tell you.

- Eh, that's funny.
Help me! Help!

- He's about the uh,
biggest in the business I guess.

- My old man, I mean.
- Oh, yes.

- Y-yeah, you ought to see
the size of his place, God.

- Yeah, he handles a lot
of ground chuck and all.

- Got an idea...
- Frankenstuff.

So you take a hot dog
and cram it full of--

- You and I
are gonna dance,
little lady.

- Wait a minute.
- Come on now,

this is good music,
this is the kind of stuff

that I like to dance to,
you know?

- Why don't
you get your teeth filled?

- I bet you've got it
hidden away someplace.

- Eh.
- Sure we have.

- Like it's a secret?

- Like it's a secret.
- Wh-wha?

- You wouldn't mind
telling me, would you?

- Or have you already?
I forgot.

- Oh, uh,
it's-hidden-in-my-closet
behind-the-sneakers-

- oh, God!
- I don't know...

I'll have
to think about that.

- Uh, let me kiss your
nasolabial trough again.

- Tell me?

- It's getting better.
Almost made up my mind for me.

- Wow. This is sick.

- Hey uh,
I just thought of something.

- You're
supposed to be dancing,
not thinking.

- I was just thinking, huh?

Now this stuff
that you guys came up with,

- I mean,
- Pants, pants for sale.

- Who wants pants?
- you're gonna need some help,

- won't you?
- Mike knows what he's doing.

- Yeah but uh,
in a hick-town like this,
ah, I mean like,

if you knew somebody in town,

- someone in Los Angeles--
- Oh, Los Angeles.

- somebody who
really knows the business--

- Someone like your old man.
- Exactly, right, right!

I'd take him
some of this stuff,

and it'd just be amazing

- what this man could do--
- I see exactly what you mean.

- Please?

- Bees? Yes, quite.

- Just one more time,

and I think
I'll make up my mind.

- There.

Have we got a deal?

- Well, throw in tongue
and we got a deal.

- You gonna tell me?
- The price is about right.

- Drifting
to the right a little,
picking up some dust,

pull forward, pull forward,
contact flesh.

- But you're just
a shade too eager...

- come to a stop.
- ...to pay it.

- Huh.

- I've just been
rejected by Tommy Kirk,

I can't get
any lower than this.

- Now, come on the level,
honey, now come on

I'm trying to, ah,
do something for ya,
I wanna help ya.

- I could introduce you
to my brother Jeff.

- Why?
- Why?

I guess
it's just because
I just, ah,

I can't resist
helping somebody I like.

- That's all.
- There's Alan Arkin!

[As Alan]
What am I doin' dancin' here?
I don't know I'm dancing.

- It's as simple as that.

- What about your girlfriend,
what's-her-name?

- Who, Merrie?
Oh come on, baby,

she's not my girlfriend,
she's one of the group.

That's all.
One of the group.

- Oh, looks like
they're dancing near
a collapsed star.

- Oh, ho, ho.
- Come here.

- Suppose we take that stuff...
- Oh, Beau, Beau,

the hand thing
isn't working, Beau!

- ...into Los Angeles,
together.

- Just the two of us just you--
- Dueling cardigans.

--and,
Mike baby, listen.

We were just, ah, it's ama--
we were talking about this stuff

- that you just--
- Beat it.

- Oh. All right.

- He allowed himself
to be threatened by Tommy Kirk.

- That's low.

- Hi I'm the adult child
of an alcoholic

and I've got
great, great thighs.

- Pa, Pa, Pa, Pa, Pa, Pa!
- [Laughing]

- How do you like those ducks?
- Oh, good line.

Stupid! Stupid!

- Barbecued,
that's how I like them.

- Wahah,
thanks for providing
the transition!

- The naked corpse
of Paul Prudhomme

gets roasted on a stick!

- Ooh. Oh, well...
- [Giggling]

It's fun to kill things!
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

- I dreamed I was standing by
a big dead duck in my underwear.

- Come great strong warriors,
turn almighty duck!

- Yeah, you like this, huh?

- Look. It's Agnes Moorehead
holding a bunch of balloons.

- Wow.

- Welcome to Bunland:
Flesh capital of the world.

- I guess this village
has no parents.

- Look,
I know you're fond
of The Rifleman,

but take the hat off,
it doesn't work anymore.

- Tommy's hair gets higher
with every scene.

- And so does Tommy.

- You don't get soup.
It not part of buffet, okay?

- I got a word for it:
We're carving a duck!

- I'm sure the meat
from the huge mutated duck
has no side effects.

- You guys
find a place to sleep?

- Hmm?

Uh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, we're camping out
at the old theatre.

- Ah, what's goin' on
around here?

- It's a good a place
as any, I guess.

- [Mumbling to Self]

- Hey man.

- You know what we're doing?
We're making history.

- And eating it, too.
- You mean we're having history

- instead of potatoes? Mmm!
- Where's the Boy Wonder?

- Genius?
- Mm-hm.

- He's trying to figure out
how to make some more Goo.

- The President wants his duck.
Just put it on the plate.

That's right.
And back away.

- Num-num,
Papier-mache, num-num!

- * Opie Opie Opie

* Opie Opie Opie

Opie!

- Man, the paperboy
will find you anywhere

to collect, huh?

- Jello, 3-2-1.

- Comfort.

- Huh.

- This time
I was sure I had it.

That's a very elusive formula.

- Had what, kiddo?
- Kiddo?!

- And I didn't
steal no bike, neither.

- I prefer
to be called 'Genius,'

- if you don't mind.
- Okay, 'Genius,'

- no offense.
- None taken.

- What formula?
- For the Goo.

There's not much of it
and they want me to make

to make some more.
But it's not easy.

- Why don't we--
- Do it in the road.

- go for a walk, Genius?
- Hmm.

- I'll buy you
an ice cream cone.

- I never touch it.
It's high in cholesterol,

but I'll go
for a walk with you.

- Okay.
- Wow.

- Opie shoots he scores!
- [Whistles]

- Mmm.

- [Sighs, Groans]
- Oh, no,

it's Tommy Kirk
in little pants!

- They were trying pretty hard
to find out about the Goo,

- weren't they?
- Ha, ha.

Guess they
can smell a profit.

- Tommy Kirk discussing Goo
makes me very uncomfortable.

- Yes, look at his hair.

- Guess this ought to be
safe enough.

- Now let's go scare everyone
with my thighs!

- You said 'thighs.'
- Oops, sorry.

- What did you break?
- Hm?

- Did you break something?

- Shut up,
you're suffocating me!

- Wasn't that you?

- No.
- [Guitar Chord Plays]

- * It's been
a hard days night-- *

Oh.

- [Screaming]
- Ziggy Stardust.

[Chuckles]

- [Guitar Chord Plays]
- * Dar, Darrr

- Get off ma land
ya' dang smoochers!

- [Guitar Chord Plays]
- * Dar, Darrr

- Please put
some pants on, Tommy!

- [Growls]
- * Now, Nowww

- Spiders don't growl,
even that big.

- Well, I guess you
really can't prove that
when they're that big

- they don't growl.
- I liked Willow.

[Laughter]

- Jim Kott-oh, wow!
- [Chuckles]

- Waa!
- Whoa, oh!

- Mike!
- Strong enough for a spider,

- but made for a Woman.
- Put that fool thing down.

- Well I'm sorry,
I guess I should be supporting

whatever the hell
you're doing!

- Wow, this is almost,
Macgyver-isk!

- Why is she
spray-painting the spider?

- Get off the ground,
get up the stairs,

get off the wet floor!

- Get-stairs-up-off-wet.

Oh, I get it.

- Ah, pure 'I Gordon!' Hah!

- Hm, roasted Spider.
- And everyone gets a leg.

- Ooh!
- Don't go near the water,

- it's deadly! It's charged!
- Make it go away, Tommy!

- You killed him.

You killed the spider.

- Heh,
my plan worked perfect--
ah, no oh!

- Oh, no.
- Fortunately,

his little terry top
soaks up the mess.

- Ha, ha.
- You all right?

- Oh, that's
a fool question to ask.

- Yeah.
- Well, are you?

- Turn it back on!

- Well, sure.
Just-just scared is all.

- You don't have to be,
not with me around.

- I like the pool better.
- So we've heard.

- Just gotta find that valve.

- I reject Tommy Kirk
and all his works.

- * Dum, Da, Dum, Da,
Dum, Da, Da, Da, Da *

* Da, Dum,
Da-Da, Da, Da, Da... *

Oh, God!
Close your shirt!

We have
your chest surrounded!

Ha, ha!

- The yard gnomes
come to life.

- Very, very,
white-collar crime.

- Maybe we'll just meet the--
Uh hey, you're already here.

- * Dum, dum...

- I have been
dying to get in here

and clean this basement!

- Oh, yah know
I heard he's on
the window pane.

- No?
- Ha, ha! Yeah.

- Oh, my.
- Never freak out.

- Blue hems.
- The Johnson teen door,

so your teen
can get in and out easily.

- Uh, Meow, Meow, ah, mm.

- Look outside,
it's daylight again!

- The Ventures
are down here somewhere.

- Cool.

- Huh, big dead spider, hm.

- [As Bob Dylan]
Sign, sign, everywhere a sign.

* Doh

* Doh, doh, doh

* Dorr-ing

Twin reverb.

- He is so close
to being Billy Mumy.

Hm, Billy Mumy.

- * Darr-ong, Darr-ong...
- Bill Mumy.

- [Gasps] Mom?! Mother?!

Oh, Mother!
Ohoh, it's her!

Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

- [Sobbing]
- Let him have his father.

Mommy...Mommy.

My roots.

- Drink it!
Finish it!

- Well,
enough window shopping
better get at it.

It's startin'
to get dark again.

- * Marianne
- The professor, too!

* Now there was our girl...

- This part is very true
to the H.G. Wells book.

- Yeah.
- * ...So easy to love

- He is
self-consciously dreamy.

- * Girls like her...

- Ah! How long
have you been there? Ha-ha!

- * ...And once she
- Boy, being a back-up dancer

- was easy back then.
- * Loved me

* I was proud...

- Yep, Chuck Connors
pretty much said

I was
the best kid actor alive,
ever, in the world.

- You know he probably
wouldn't be as stupid

as to hide it in here,
but I'll check.

- Boi-oi-oi-oing!

- Hey, he saved the cartilage
from his knee surgery.

- Good gravy!
Great Goo!

- There you go,
that'll be a buck forty-nine.

Thanks for stopping by.

- Uh-- Ah, yeah.

I'm gonna grab some steaks
out of the freezer over there.

- Don't-don't you touch!

She cannot be bought
for pocket change!

What? What-what?

Mom! Oh, no, no!

She's putting out
for a nickel!

[Sobbing]

I have no mother!

Oh, oh, oh, oh...

- What a dumb kid.
- [Sobbing Continues]

- There!
- Ahh!

- Well, it looks like
he'll have to cut his foot off

- with his penknife.
- [Burglar Alarm Sounding]

- What are we, in Europe?
- [Fireworks Whistling]

- * Love, love, love!

- * And on that
star-spangled night *

- What on earth!
- Apparently you were great!

- What goes on up there?
- * It's a star, a star

- * Shining in--
- That's my burglar alarm.

- Works fine, doesn't it?
- Yeah.

- The burglar alarm?!
- [Gasps]

- Da-da, da, da, da,
da, da, da, da, da, da!

- What kind of a dress-code
does this town have?

- Hey come on,
let's get out of here!

- Oh, seeing
Tommy Kirk in shorts

would make me back off, too.

- Come on,
surrender 'the pink.'

- Come on.
- [Chuckles]

- Huh?

Oh.

- It's just fruit-fly medium.

- Hah, are we a mime troupe
all of a sudden?

[Dopey Laughter]

Ooh, oop.
Aaa...Oh, there it goes.

Ha, ha, ha.
Oh, where is it?

[Dopey Laughter]

Whoa!

- You made my shirt a bra!
- I love you.

- You know,

those grass stains
will never come out.

[Mimicking Dramatic Drum Beats]

Jim Begg!

- Sgt. Begg!
- [Grunting]

[Grunting]

- "Affectionately funny."

- Okay Mike,
it's your turn to sign
the card for Frank.

- Yeah, thanks.
You know, this is pretty and all

but, uh, isn't it
really more appropriate

for the death
of a loved one?

- Well,
it was either this one
or 'For A Special Girl

- on her First Communion.'
- Whoa, heads up, guys!

We got something coming in
on the Hem sphere.

- Oh.
- Frank?

- Frank.
- Frank!

- Hey, hi guys.
Hey, you gotta help me out, man.

- Frank, where are you?

- Oh, I'm
in the janitors closet.

- I was supposed to be out
at Deep 13 a while ago

and Dr. Forrester's
hassling me for phone money.

- Oh man.
That's rough, man.

- Say, would you guys, ah,

sign my unemployment thing
for unemployment

that says I've been
seeking employment and stuff?

Could you make like
I applied for a job here?

- Well, Frank, that's fraud.
I mean, I guess we'd at least

have to interview you
for a position.

- Even though we're not
really hiring at this time.

- Okay, go ahead. Shoot.
- Okay, Mr. Frank.

Ah, describe
some of the challenges you met
in your last job.

- Well, Dr. Forrester
would kill me a lot,

so, time management
was really crucial.

- You're not
gonna have babies, are you?

- Crow...
- Oh now, tell me about

your interpersonal style.

- Well, I ah,

I have a hard time, um...

- communicating with people.
- Oh yeah, uh-huh.

- And I tend
to settle disagreements
through violence.

- Hm, I see. Yeah.

- Oh, and I pilfer
from all of my employers.

- Oh, what--
- [Knocking on Door]

- Frank? Frank!
- Dr. Forrest--

- You come out of there
right now, Frank!

- Dr. Forrester,
I'm in here!

- Hm, wow.
- Ah.

Man...

I'm at a total crossroads
in my life.

Say, this burrito's
really good.

- Well, bye Frank.
- Good luck, Frank.

- Wow.
- [Whistles]

- Frank's looking really rough.
- Mm-hm.

- Well,
we could always create

- a position for him.
- Huh, I got a position...

- [Alarm Button Buzzing]
- [Pandemonium]

- Who won?
- Poor Frank.

- We did.

Don't we always?

- Yeah, that's uh--
- Eck.

- Who got the Goo?
- They got it.

One of them ran off with it.
I was going to stop him, but--

- But what?

- Reasons of pure logic.
He was bigger than me.

- Duh-dum-chi!
- Holy smoldering crawdads.

- Well, at least
Tommy's terry-top is intact.

- Don't worry,
as soon as I find the formula,

I'll simply make some more.

- Just hope you can.

- Sure I can,
there's nothing to it.

Just a matter
of perseverance.

- Uh, that switch came on.
- Uh-hah!

This guy
went to Peter Breck
acting school.

- That one.

- Just put a shell on him

and he's
a teenage mutant
ninja turtle.

- [Muttering]
- And then there was light.

- Hm, I thought
God would dress better.

- Eh man, while that lasted
it was a pretty good rumble.

- Anyone get hurt?
- Besides me losing my brain.

Fred!

- Ah no, uh, two more minutes
and I'd have flattened him.

- Okay, now we got it.

What're we gonna do with it?

- We get rich,
that's what we do with it.

- I know,
let's do a production
of 'Our Town'!

- I wonder if this makes
everything grow, huh?

- Everything?

- You mean like, uh,
plants and things?

- No, I don't think
that's what he means at all.

- Hey, don't be a jerk, huh?
- Too late.

- What's the matter, Fred?
Running scared?

- Yeah, he's scared.
- No, I just got more sense.

That's all.

- You always said
you wanted to be a big man,

now is your chance.
Ha, ha, ha, ha!

- I see what you mean, Gary.
- Yeah, a real big man.

- Unless you're scared.
- Show 'em, Fred.

Show 'em that
you're not no chicken.

- Hey, will you cut it out!
- It's the 'Reader's Theatre'

- version of 'Noises Off.'
- Yeah, that's a wild idea, man.

- He's gonna chicken out.
- A chicken, huh?

- Are you?
- Merrie?

Are you out of your mind?

- Uh...what?

- Hey, will you cut it out
and leave it alone, huh?!

- Listen, Freddy-boy,
if I want to try
some of this stuff

just don't you try
and stop me, understand?

It's 'cause
you're some kind of coward.

- What, ar-are you
trying to prove something?

- [As Jimmy Stewart]
Are you tryin' to prove

- somethin'?
- Yeah. I'm trying to prove

you're all talk.

- All talk and no performance.
- He's been eating the spies.

- The spies.
- The spies.

- The rest of the herd
awaits the outcome.

- Pete,
you better do something.

- Like get me
the rest of my outfit.

- Pete?

- No, why should I?
This could be very interesting.

- Yeah, yeah eh--
you want to try some of it, huh?

- Wow.
- I will if you will.

- Mm-mm,
you're on the spot, lover.

- No!
- Shut up!

- All right,
give me your knife, huh?

- Come on.
- Huh?

- Knife, yeah, well.

- Here you go.
- Whoa!

- I'm gonna moon you, man.

- [Laughing]

- Let's see there's uh,
two, four six, eight of us.

That's eight pieces.

- Oh, oh no,
not on the water bed, kids, no.

No, no.

- Oh dear,
make mine half that big.

- Oh, I shouldn't
have any at all.

I've eaten so much
over the holidays.

- It all looks so good.

- I'm gonna
eat my dessert first.

- You should see my thighs.

- Not me Fred,
heh, count me out.

- I ate a couple
of days ago. Heh.

- You too honey,
just like the rest of us.

- We all take it.

- Well come on, take it!
- Why, I usually have it

- on a Ry Krisp.
- And nobody chickens out,

all right? Nobody!

- Well?

- Ha, ha, ha.

You ate it,
you fell for it.

- Uh, hah.

- Oh, just get a room!

- Eh-hehe,
will my melanoma grow, too?

- She's been pan fried.
- Well, eat it honey,

don't be scared.

- * Figurines,
does a lady proud *

* It's the diet lunch
that you can crunch out *

* Loud

Ha, ha!

- Well, you know
girls at that age
grow very quickly.

- [Ripping Sounds]
- Whoa!

- Oh, it went right to my hips.

- [Ripping]
- [Gasps]

[Dramatic Music]

- Heh, it's tasty
and it makes me tan and stuff!

- Huh?
- [Popping Sounds]

I forgot to wear a bra!

- Ha, ha, ha, ha!
- [Ripping Sounds]

- Wow,
the Maiden-formless woman.

You'll never know
where she'll turn up.

[Ripping Sounds]

- The ravaging effects
of Osgood-Schlatters Disease!

- Oh.

- Beau knows acting.
- Yeah,

well now he's
the Brawny paper towel guy.

- Geez, we could've
won the war with these kids.

- Ooh.

[Ripping Sounds]

- This is great-- Doh!

I didn't grow
proportionately!

- [Gasps]
- Ohh, no.

- Well, she's really got
her hands full.

- Oh, yes.

- Heh, heh, heh!
- [Dramatic Music Swells]

- The horn section's
growing, too.

- Yes, I can tell, heh.
- [Mimicking Music]

- The first thing we do
is get ourselves

to a Lane Bryant.

- Heh, heh, heh.

- What's the matter hotshot,

don't you like your new size?

- Shut up,
little weird guy.

- I was big enough before.
- Ha, ha!

- Hah.
Look what happened to us.

And all these girls
can think of is their...

modesty!
Heh, ha, ha!

- Ah, please take a moment
and consider your own modesty.

- Fred, what have we done?
- Well?

- Well, whatever it is,
we're stuck with it.

- 'Stuck with it'?
So why don't we make
the most of it?

- It's gonna make a difference.
- I hope they eat him first.

- Yeah. I was just thinkin'.
Wait till my old man

gets 'tough'
with me again, huh?

- But he probably won't
'cause you're big.

- We're freaks, Rick.

- Tall girls have

- a tough enough time dating.
- Maybe we are,

you just wait'll
the next guy asks me
for my I.D. card,

- oh, boy!
- Yeah,

now maybe it won't be so easy
for them to kick us anymore.

- Yeah!
- Them?

- The adults, honey.
- Oh.

- This isn't
their world anymore,

it's gonna be ours!

- Yeah...

we'll turn the tables on them.

- Whaa-t?
- Come on, let's split

- and have some fun, huh?

- [Together] Yeah.
- Let's get out of here, huh?

- But I don't
have anything to wear.

- We know. Heh, heh.

[Gasps]

- Be my guest.
- Ee-gah!

- Uh, it's stuff
that I'm happy about.

Ha, ha.

- Ponds & Opie.

- He tampered in God's domain.

- Ugh, doggie breath,
lots of it.

- Hm, Aunt Bea's got diabetes.

- Why are we here?

- Hey, it's 'up with people'!

Ha, ha, ha!
Heh-- Oh.

- This is David Duke's dream.

- Ha, ha!
- [Giggling]

- Well?

Hm.

Oh, giants look
pretty good this year, huh?

- Yeah.

Hey, where's Waldo?

- Should, uh,
someone mention they're big?

- [Chuckling]

- Hey,
now what happened
to the music?

- Let's wail!
- Wail?

- Yeah,
come on, let's dance.

- Oh, wow.
- [Deep Base Rhythms]

- Ugh.
- Ugh.

- They think they're so big!

Hah!

- Their giant hinders
will kill us!

- I'll say.

Oh, man!

- The giant hinders
are approaching the city.

- So there was ecstasy
in the jell-o-stuff?

- I think so.
- Hm.

- She likes her job.
- I like her job, too.

- Whoa! One of those
could take out the whole town!

- Tummy.

- Oh, no.

Large...

large...big...large.

- Oh now it's almost like
that's gratuitous!

- Large.

- You could
probably stick your head
right in her navel.

- Oh ho, ho!
Don't think I haven't
thought of that.

- [Humming]

- Go have a fling
with the Happy Chef.

- You know,
I'm starting to suspect
this might be padding.

- Oh, nonono--
- No, that's real.

- [Humming]
- May I cut in?!

- Wow, huh?

- Oh, my neck.

Ow!

- What big, giant,
pig-nosed teeners.

[Snorting]

[Mimicking Music]

- Aw, men shouldn't shimmy!

- Especially
50-foot Beau Bridges.

- Boy, gettin' huge didn't
give 'em anymore rhythm, did it?

- Just think, now that girl
looks like leather,

smells like
Marlboro's and Giorgio,

and makes her grandchildren
call her by her first name.

- [Raspy Voice]
Come here and give Rosie a kiss.

- Ha, ha!
- Ugh.

- Man. They're big.

- Heh,
this one gets 'em
every time.

- Don't hate me
'cause I'm giant.

- [Gulp]

- Susan, I think
we should see other people!

- [Giggles]
- Whoa!

- Whew, glad that's not me.

I'd hate it.

- First base
is larger than I remember!

- Oh, if she hugs anybody,
it'll kill him.

- * La,
La-La, La-La... *

- Ohwawa-ohwawa-ohwawa!

- Wow.

- Be careful
what you wish for!

- Ha-ha!

- Uh, think they'd mind
if we all left?

- Giant teens
should have really thought out

- their reign of terror.
- Right.

- [Slow Motion]
Yyyyeeeaaahhhhh...

- I'd love
to see you again sometime!

- How come Glenn Manning
wasn't this much fun!

- Urban cowboob.

- It can be over now.

- This is all fun for now,
but they're still gonna

have to go back
to college come the fall.

- Can this be over?
Please be over.

- Loo-- Uh,
I'm gonna get going.

- Sure,
they're big and stuff,

but it gets old.

- Ah-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!

- Mwuh-huh-huuh.

- I'll harm you!

- Ooooowwwww!
- [Laughing]

- Tell her to put him down...
- Doh, wow.

- or I'll beat
the daylights out of you!

- Huh?

- Yes!
- All right!

- Ha-ha-ha!
- All right! Yeah!

- Hey, she's going
after his wallet.

- I'm not done!

- Mike?
- I stubbed my shorts.

- The time has come
for pants, Mike.

- Now, uh,
let's cut it out, huh?

I mean, you little guys
are taking this all wrong.

- We're on your side.
- Whose turn is it

- for the breast ride?
- All of us against the adults.

- Now how 'bout that, huh?
We're taking over them.

And you regular guys
are gonna be part of this,

we're just gonna help you.

- Yeah well, what if we don't
wanna be a part of it?

- What?
- How can you say that,

I mean, haven't they
kicked you around long enough?

- Maybe we don't
like your club either!

- You're in it anyway.

- Look, free breasts rides
and we'll waive membership fees.

- You have
nothing to worry about.

- Because when we've...
- Oh I'm already worried,

I'm worried about
how funny you really are.

- Hecklers.
- 'We take over,' huh?

- Oh, you're just
trying to trade places
with them is all.

It's the same result,
if you had any brains,

- you'd see that!
- How very animal farm-ist.

- Hey man,
this guy's a lousy rebel.

- And he'll never ever
be any good.

- Look uh,

whether you like it
or not, little man,

we're just gonna
have to show you

what's good for ya.
That's all.

What's good for
all of us teenagers.

- Now pray
to my satin tap-pants!

- [Siren]
- [Groaning]

- Oh...the cops.

- All right kids, listen!
- Oh no, Glen Super's here.

- There's just a little bit
too much noise, now--

- Sheriff.
I think I'm seeing things.

- Yeah, I'm seeing 'em
but I don't like 'em.

Now everybody back,
go home and--

- Sheriff, look up there.

- Why can't you
take care of things--

- Boing.

- For crying out loud,
now what's this?

- A big giant teen, sir?
- Your guess is as good as mine.

- Listen, I don't
pretend to understand

- what's going on around here.
- What?! Speak up!

But I heard the theatre
was broken into last night--

- Huh?

- I got a pretty good idea
who did the breaking into.

- 'Cause there wasn't
one roll of toilet paper left.

- I want you to go back
to the theatre and wait there.

- Why don't you
shut up and go home, Sheriff?

- [Laughing]
- You didn't have to say that.

- Now listen, you go back
and wait there for me,

do you understand,
is that clear?

- Anything you say,
Sheriff,

you're the boss.

- Unless...

how long do you think
it would take me

to bend that rifle
around your neck, Sheriff?

- All right that's it,
get in the car, son!

- Or why don't
we just step on them?

- Both of them!
- [Goofy Laughter]

- Yeah,
why don't I do that?

I never did like the fuzz...

- Okay--

Man, okay, okay.

- Don't touch
my bare chest, Beau.

- Sure, Sheriff,

- there's no problem.
- Still a coward, eh?

- Do like he says, Rick.

Leave him alone.
Let's get back.

- You little...

- Okay, Sheriff,
we've given your idea
a lot of thought,

and we've
decided to step on you.

- Now Sheriff, listen,

you-you really are a big man.

At least uh,

you were until we came.

- Hm.
- Uh but, uh,

- like you say...
- Boy, they're big!

- we'll go right back
to the theatre.

- Still big.
- No guns

you have to worry about,

nothin'.

- Hm.

- M-ah, they're big.

- Well, uh, bye then.

Bye.

- Every time we get
big people through here

there's trouble,
isn't there?

- Okay, show of hands,
who wet 'em?

- I wet mine and yours, sir.
- Oh.

- Mike, are you all right?
- Yeah, sure, I just feel like

I've been hit
by a ton of bricks.

- Would some pants help, son?
- Oh, Mike.

- It's all right.
Don't worry about it.

- [As Ed Sullivan]
Tonight right here on our stage,

a really big show,
big-big-big-big- big, show.

- They wanted to do
"Little Women," but they can't!

- [Hysterical Laughter]

- Sorry.

They're big. Big.

- How'd you sleep, honey?

- You get a good rest?
- Mm-hm.

Hey Fred,
what's gonna happen to us?

- We'll probably
get drafted by the calves.

- I don't know, uh,
as long as it lasts,

I guess we'll just
have to live with it.

[Together]
* We hate you Conrad

* Oh yes we do

- Let me do the talking.

- What? Wait a minute men,
this is a studio lot.

- I want
the rest of you men
to wait here.

- Hello, freaks.
- Hello.

- W-what?
- They're coming.

- Mike and the Sheriff.
He's got a gun.

- Hm.
- A gun?

- Yep.

- No sweat.
It's been taken care of.

- I shaved my legs.

- You get her?
- Yep.

- Don't touch that.
- Where is she?

- Out of sight.
- Hey now, what is happening?

- [Imitating Dramatic
Music Intro]

- You'll see.

- We got ourselves
some insurance.

- I'm hungry, too.
What's for breakfast?

- A humunga-chunga.

- Sheriff on toast.

- [Laughing]

- Okay, let's take it
from the top!

- Morning Sheriff, Mike.

- All right,
let's get one thing clear.

- [Whispers]
Are you catching this?

- I said
I don't understand
what's happening,

I'm not gonna worry about it.

But last night
you people showed me

- the kind of trouble--
- What?! Huh?! What?!

- In this town,
trouble is one thing that
I just won't have!

- The whole town
says they're sorry,

now would you quit
peeing in the pools?

- I want you all out of town
in an hour, is that clear?

Get out and don't come back.

- Yeah well,
that-that's clear enough,
Sheriff, only uh,

I mean, we kind of like it
here, you know,

we kind of figure
we might stay.

- And there's nothing
you can do about it.

- [Groans]
- Nothing.

- Well, you'll
just do what I say

or there'll be some trouble.

- Oh no kidding, uh,
what kind of trouble, Sheriff?

- You aiming to use that gun?

- If I have to, yes.

- Sheriff,
how many guns do you have

in this town, huh?

- Look,
that's no concern of yours,
you're leaving.

- Oh, don't make book on it.

When Fred wants something,

- he usually gets it.
- She oughta know.

- Don't ya, honey?

- Thank you, honey, and men.

- You better believe it.

- What makes you think
I can't arrest you?

- What?!
- Oh now Sheriff,

you-you'd shoot me
in cold blood?

- Why don't you
grab a seat, nurse?

I think I see
two together over there.

- This is gonna be
mighty interesting.

- The world's
biggest Cub Scout.

- How was your daughter
when you left her this morning?

- She was watchin'
that stupid Barney show!

- Show 'em, Rick-boy.

- Yeah, show 'em
what's goin' on here,

I don't know.
I don't know.

- Huh?
- Daddy! Daddy!

Make him put me down!
Please, Daddy!

- Sorry, honey,
needs to the many and all.

- Go ahead Sheriff,
use your gun,

- cut me down.
- Make her day.

- But if you miss,
you might hit this

loud, screaming
little brat of yours.

- Be nice to the giant honey,
or he'll squish ya.

Cora dear,
be still, don't move.

- [Sobbing]

- That's not such a bad idea.

- What isn't,
wha-what's goin' on?

- Did I miss a page?
- I don't like it, see,

and I am the guy

that gives the word
around here.

- Like I said, Boss,

we got ourselves
some insurance.

- It's something we need.
They brought guns, remember?

- Just like always,
'keep the kids in line.'

- Wait a minute,
if they're this huge,

- and they have to extort?
- Okay, okay.

- But I don't like it.
- Oh, Pete!

- Don't worry,
nobody's gonna hurt her.

As long as the Sheriff
is gonna play ball with us.

- Can we not play bombardment?
You guys have the advantage.

- All right.

- [Rifle Drops]
- [Imitates gunfire]

- [Imitates Shot Rings Out]
- There's my guns.

- Rick, uh,

are you sure
you know what you're doing?

- Put her down now!

- Now! Right now!

- Or not, whatever.

That'll do.

- What?
- You hear that, Fred?

Anything we want,
that's what he said.

- All right man, all right.

- Okay, we want huge underroos,
gigantic flush toilets,

- and a four-day work week.
- Now, uh, Sheriff,

we are going to take over
this town and, uh,

we are gonna make
quite a few changes.

Now first of all,
there's gonna be a

9 o'clock curfew
for all adults.

How do you like that, huh?

- You'll all
have freedom of speech.

Just as long as
we approve of what you say.

- The young Jessie Helms.
- A working party

is going to have to find
food for us everyday.

- And uh,
- We want French lessons.

- well needless to say
our appetites are gonna be

- pretty big, hm?
- 'Cause we've been working out.

- In fact uh...
- We're big.

why don't we start
with something right now, huh?

Mike, uh,
why don't you get me uh,

- some chicken?
- Why don't you--!

- Pause.
- Mike, Mike, Mike.

- Okay, co-come on, boy,
jump to it.

- Mike, come on,
there, that's a boy, yeah.

- Do what he says, go ahead.

- [Belch]

I like to see Tommy Kirk
get pushed around.

- Now uh, Rick, Harry,

now you guys know
what you gotta do, huh?

Now I want you to take care
of all the communication,

knock out
the telephones, radios...

- The radios, yeah.

- That's it.
- Put me down!

- The Little Mermaid
of Copenhagen.

- All right.

- Wha-what?!

- All right,
I'll say it again--

- [Signs]
Speak up!

- If you can just hear me,
I'm reading you the riot act!

- No, she stays right here.

Now you, you do just as
you're told Sheriff,

and nobody is gonna get hurt.

- And one more thing,
Sheriff.

We want all the guns
in the town brought here.

- Is that clear?
- Then I'll take my child home?

- W-what?!
- We'll take care of her.

- Yeah,
we'll take care of her

just as long as
you do what you're told.

- Well,
you do as you're told...

[Grumbling]

- Ah, those friggin
theatre people.

[Mumbling to Self]

- You see, Fred-boy?

All it takes
is a little cooperation.

- And some hot rollers.

- We're really
gonna take over this town.

[Bubbling Sounds]

- Hey, you know,
Ron must've gotten directing
tips from Bert I.

- Heh-ah!
That's why he made Willow.

- Hey, I liked Willow.
- Uh well, you with the-whoa!

- Ugh.
- Hey, Cthulhu!

- [Laughing]
- [Laughing]

- It's a robotic toily-brush.
- Yeech!

- It's going into
Charles Bukowski's sink!

- [Laughing]

- Well,
back to the old drawing board.

- I inhabit a
nightmarish universe

all on my own.

Hm-mm, Willow. Hm.

- I'll have to remember
to try that again sometime.

- [Barks]
- Whaa-whaa-whaa.

Dum...

Opie's first martini.

- Should a boy
offer a dog a martini?

- No.

- The NRA nightmare.

- You'll regret this!

- You mark my words!

- Save your
bad temper Sheriff,

till you can find
a better use for it.

- What?
- Hey, sweetie!

- Hey, what's goin' on, babe?

- Stop it!
- Hey, how 'bout a little date.

- Just move along, citizens.
- Come on, what're you doin'?

- How's the weather up there?
- Stop it now!

Hey, an article
by William Safire.

- It's so ironic!

- Uh sir,
we can't break a twenty.

- And we're still working on
your huge sporks.

Heh, eh, eh!

- Num-num-num-num.

- Must be Classic Coke.
- Mike, you are amazing man,

really you're doing just fine,

I don't think I could do
any better myself.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,

we might even
put you in charge

of supervising
the-uh, adults.

- Ha, ha!
Hey, why not man, really.

- You're beautiful, baby.
- You and a few of your friends,

we'll put you in charge
of checking

- adult I.D. Cards, huh?
- Wow, a job!

- You know,
just kinda keeping an eye

on their social activities,

make sure
they keep out of trouble

- and, you know. Hm?
- Do you have any dark meat?

- And our music,
they've gotta leave it alone.

- Oh, quite definitely.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Well,
we're done being sarcastic,
you can leave now.

- Hey uh, man,

wha-what're you
just standing there for, huh?

- We need coleslaw
and wet napkins, man!

- De-part, man.
Leave!

- I feel really unappreciated.

- It's up to us now, Horsey.

There's only one thing
we can do.

- Wear little, tiny pants.
- But there's nothing we can do.

Not while
they have a hostage.

- That's just it.
- We'll sacrifice the hostage.

- We've gotta get us
a hostage of our own.

- Terry Anderson.
- Oh.

[Bongo's Beating]

- A giant stripper!

- [Singing The Stripper]
* Wha-wa, waah

* Wha-wa-wa whaah

- [Drums Beating]

- * Giant steps are

* What you take.

- Ohh, someone stinky's
got a pants full!

- **

- Look,
Ed Gein's the driver.

- Ow.

- Ooh, they're funny cars,
- [Tires Screeching]

- but they're
really not that funny.

- Mmm-mm?

- Peter Fonda!

- Hey,
don't look up my...area.

- Ha, aw come on!

The FX in Willow
was better than this!

- Hey, you liked Willow.
- I--

- Man, are my legs ugly.

- Whew!

- [Goofy Chuckle]

- [Tires Squealing]

- Oh wait,
those aren't even my legs!

They're fiberglass.

- Ew, bad eczema.

- Whoa, that was stupid.
Shoulda seen it coming.

- I can't get my legs to move.

[Hysterical Laughter]

- Yeah.

- It's an elaborate plan
to inconvenience him.

- I get it,

I think she meant
to put this around my feet,

not those mannequin legs
down there.

- [Tires Squealing]
- [Hootin', Hollerin']

- Yee-hoo!

- Suddenly,
he snaps a tether,

and kills a coolie!

- [Tires Squealing]

- [Brakes Screech]

- [As Ronald Reagan]
Well, I-whoa!

- Oh no.

- Well I-uuuhhhmm?

- [Screaming]
- Whoa...!

- A buffalo shot
that covers three states!

- Just for the ladies!

Uhhhh, huh!

- Uh-uhuuu...

Bo-whoa-whoa-whoa,
whoa-whoa-whoa.

- Just lasso him, Tex.

- Kid gets his money's worth
out of the giant legs!

- I guess so.

- Bing! Near-near-no.

- Okay, take off!

[Metal Clanging]

[Beeping]

- And a pool?
- Yes...

- Hey, hey, hey guys.
Look, I bet that's Frank.

- [Gasps]
- Hi, Mike.

Hi, Bots.

Just called to say goodbye.

You guys have been
the best victims

a fella could ever want.

- [Gulp] Thanks.
- Oh.

- Uh Frank,
we'll miss you too,

but we'll always remember
the good times.

- Uh, in fact,
we have remembered
the good times.

Cambot helped us--

- Hit it!
- [Intro Music Plays]

TV's Frank,

this one's for you.

It's going out
to my very special friend.

- [Sniffles]
- [Music Plays]

- * Frank,
the sun never shown upon *

* Our love before

- * Until there was Frank
- Hah!

* A Ewe
From me to you *

* Sweet floppy Frank

* We've had a lifetime
of friends *

- * Endless Frank
will always flow *

* For all we know

- * For all we know

- * Frank,
from the first day *

* I knew your name

* I never knew love
was the same *

- * Never knew love
was the same *

* Open the vents

* We have Frank on the line

* Nothin' but
sweet lovin' Frank *

- * 'Cause it's free

- * Knowing that love
could be Frank *

* If only
the sun and the moon *

* Would collide to be Frank

* Let me be Frank
about Frank *

- * Let me be Frank
about Frank *

- * Let me be Frank
about Frank *

- [Together]
* 'Cause Frank
is the best Frank *

* That's ever happened

* To me

- Please?

Please don't go.

[Sobbing]

- Bye-bye, Frank.

- You were enjoyed.

- * We love you, Frank *

- Oh...I can't go.

I've given Dr. Forrester
my heart and soul and liver.

Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha!

Darn it!
I love this job!

I'm not gonna let some
smooth talking shark like Targo

take it away!

- That's right, Frank.

You've never given up
on anything in your life--

well, you have,
but don't give up on this one!

- You're right, Mike!

I've got to figure out some
sneaky dishonest way

of reclaiming what I lost
fair and square.

[Inhales Deeply]

But how?

Hmm...

- Whoa, I wonder what
he's got planned.

- Mike! Mike!

- What?!
- Mike, don't!

- Let me go.
Let me go, I'll kill him!

- Geez, Snap, Crackle and Pop
couldn't hold him back.

- Okay fellas,

you want me
to leave her up there

or shall I pluck her
down for you?

- What'll it be?
- Oh...leave her.

- Jim Begg.

- I heard the noise,

I figured
you might need some help.

Boy they almost got you,
didn't they?

- Nearly got me.

- I can laugh about it now.
- Take her down.

Take her to the theatre.

- This is like the Swiftian part
of a Fellini Film.

- And it's Kafkaesque.
- From now on

she's gonna stay with us.

- Mwuh, huh, huh.

- There's only one thing
we can do.

- Oo, we can make smores.
- We gotta get those guns.

- Jim Begg!

- Right.
- Jim Begg.

- So basically,
the problem is this--

- My hand's stuck.
- How to get into the theatre,

and get the guns
without getting discovered.

- Huh? Ah, ut-- Oh.
- And how to put the guard,

whoever that may be,
out of action, long enough

to recover the hostages
with the guns.

- That's not
going to be so easy.

If we try to pull anything,

who knows what's liable
to happen to that child?

- And you are?
- Or to Nancy.

- Hmm.
- Mike,

- there's nothing we can do.
- She's translucent!

- The road's still closed.

They don't even know outside
what's going on in here.

- Jim Begg.
- On our own is right,

the Sheriff
sure isn't much help.

- Not much he can do
under the circumstances.

- That's why it's up to us.
We better to raid the theatre.

- Oh no.

- Well, okay.
Jim Begg.

- They always seem to leave
just one guard on duty,

sort of like a sentry.

- Mike, we'll never
get away with it.

- We will.

And it's
just one thing we need.

- Jim Begg?
- Ether.

- Ether?

- I'm hornswaggled.

- Genius?
- Hm?

- We need your brains.

- Take your hand
out of your pocket!

- I just made Miller Clear.

- I thought you'd need me
sooner or later.

- Do you know
how to make Ether?

- Ether I do or I don't.
- It depends what kind you need.

Psyclopople, Methyl,
Ethanpople, Poponeil ethyl

- or Psyclopople Vinylethel.
- Or poo-pah-poco-aca-pickle?

- These are all fairly easy.
If you want Dibynoxide,

it might be
a little more difficult.

Trichloroethane of course
is terribly complicated.

- Any good anesthetic.

- I have nitric acid
and calcium chloride.

If you give me some vodka
I could make you some

I could make you some
Diethyl-ether very easily.

- Vodka?
Dig this crazy kid.

- Or Whiskey.

- Any kind of alcohol really.
- Or pure heroin.

- If I were a little older,
of course.

- Yeah,
yeah we know about that.

Hey, do we have some alcohol
in the first-aid kit?

- Yeah, I'll get it.
- Oh wait, Clint drank it all.

- But even so,

- if we're disturbed.
- We won't be.

- You can't be sure of that.
- Jim Begg.

- The main thing is to keep
the rest of them away,

keep them occupied.

- Red's come up with a scheme
to keep the boys occupied.

- Don't worry.
- Hmm?

- The way I plan it,
the boys'll be watching me.

- Wow.
- And then?

- Jim Begg.

- We got a problem
with giants, right?

- Right.

- You ever heard of,
'David and Goliath"?

- Yeah, dopey cartoon-like
thing, right?

- Yeah.

- Our very own, Fannie Flagg!
- I'll say.

- * Lifesavers, lifesavers,
can't be beat *

* Hey, lifesavers

- If that were Lucy,
I'd have to kill myself.

[Go-Go Music Playing]

- Huh.

- * You know
our love will not *

* Fade away

- Hey, have some chicken, man!
- Yeah.

- Our teen dynasty here
isn't that great.

- Wild stuff.

- She really knows
how to move, doesn't she?

- Come on, it's like getting
turned-on by Thumbelina to them.

- Yeah.
- I know.

- Whoops, saw somethin'
on the floor there. Heh-heh!

- Hey baby,
I wish I was your size again.

- And I can wear that outfit.

- Didn't Tammy Wynette
donate that get-up to charity?

- You know, this isn't
the usual entertainment

- with take-out chicken.
- Uh-uh.

- What was she
distracting them from again?

- I don't remember.

- Whoa,
kind of threadbare
back there.

- She must sit a lot.
- Yeah.

Now it's just getting
weird, guys.

- [Pop]
- Oh.

- Oh, that color orange
does not exist in nature.

- Uh-uh.

* Bus, bus,
the Magic bus *

- Go, go.

- To him it's kind of
a sexy puppet show.

- Are you still distracted,
'cause my neck hurts.

- Oh, we could use--

[Babbling]

- Some chicken, Nancy?
- Yes, it is.

- Daddy wouldn't
let him hurt us,

would he,
would he, Nancy?

- No, of course not, honey.
Everything's gonna be all right.

- Yeah, right.

There must be
a pony around here.

- Now you don't have to be
sore with me, honey.

- Did you-
did you see what they--
what tried to do to me?

They coulda killed me
with those hot rods.

- And they made me
s-stutter my lines.

- You're lucky they didn't--
they should have.

- Now will you please
not talk like that, huh?

You know how I feel about you.

- Then let us go!
Both of us!

- I can't know better than that.

You see--

- When a giant man
and a tiny woman like--

- -in this town,
for the first time in my life,

I'm a-I'm a big man,

- in more ways than one.
- Doh!

- You know how it is
at our age honey, uh,

don't do this,
don't do that--

- Can't you read the sign?
- -don't-don't-don't-don't.

- * No, no, no, no,
no-no-no-no *

- It's like it's the only word
that they know how to say is no.

Don't drink, don't smoke,
don't drive too fast.

- Don't wear giant togas.

- The only word
that they know how to use,

well, I'll tell you something,
you see, in this town,

- the authority is all mine.
- Beau,

the chicken's gettin' cold,
get over there!

And nobody is gonna say
'don't' to me for anything.

- You're no God to us, mister!
- Okay, you're a rebel.

- I'm impressed.
- Hm?

- Well you'd better be.

- I will get them
with my mighty click-clacks.

Hah, hah!

- * Dohum

[Whistles Gunfight Intro]

- He could break down
their defenses

by wearing
little pants again.

- The enter plot begins.

- [Crash]
- Re-ac-tion.

- [Laughing]

[Crash]

- It looks like David and uh,
Holly-go-lightly.

- Yeah.
- Hey Fred!

We've got a visitor!

- Oh uh, is Dave around?

Da-- Oh. Fred?

- You're disrupting
'Come blow your horn.'

- What's he trying to do?

- Trying to show
what a big man he is.

- Nah, he couldn't hit
the barnside of a broad.

- Doh!

- Why don't I just pick him up
and throw him away?

- Attack of the 50-foot Abba.

- Stomp on 'em
would be more like it.

- Yes! Do it! Yes!
- No, he's cute.

He wants to fight.

- She thinks I'm cute.

- Okay Goliath,
here's your spear.

- Ew...thunk.

- Go to it.
- I'm big.

- You're all guts, Fred!

- Hey, uh, I think
you're releasing a little early.

Why don't you try
a looser grip?

- All right.

- So does super slow-mo
equal huge?

- I guess.
- In Bert's world.

- Booioioioioing!
- O-le.

- You're no better with a spear
than I am with a sling!

- Well don't make book on it.

- Or...things'll...happen.
- Go on Fred,

teach him!

- Ha, I'm a minx! Ahuhuh!

- That's exactly
what I'm going to do.

- Mr. Bond.

- Ha-ha!

- Or maybe your feet
are just aimed off to the right.

- Nice try, Goliath!

- * Got-ta dance!

- I hope he gores
the little freak.

- Ha-ha, ha-ha!

- Huh?
- Come on, quick!

- Anybody want some candy?
- Not now! Let's go!

- Jim Begg.

- Whoa! I just saw
Jim Begg's love handles!

- Ew.
- Oh no, there they are again.

- Jim Begg.
- Jim Begg.

- Jim Begg.

- Merrie?
- Hm?

- Get in there
and watch that kid.

- Poor Merrie.
- But I wanna watch.

- Don't worry...
- I likes to watch.

- I'm gonna give you his head
on a silver platter.

- Oh, that's empty calories.
- That was Samson and Delilah.

- That's right, for 30 points!
- Go on, get in there!

- Actually,
it was John the Baptist.

- Most of the town
didn't have a problem

with the Giant Regime.

- Well,
at least the trains
ran on time.

- [Dopey Laughter]

- I think
I'll use a spear again,

maybe choke up a little bit.

- I'm gonna
cut you in pieces,
little man.

- Come on, baby,

this is gonna be
better than a ball game.

- Uh, turn into Elvis, baby,

I want you to wrestle
a little for me, yeah,

in your little
white tattled little--

- Sh-sh-sh.

- Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

- That boyfriend
of yours is gonna get

the daylights
beaten out of him.

- Ooh.

- And how do you like that?

- Hah! I think
that's pretty good.

[Dopey Chuckle]

- How do you feel about it?

- [Gasps]

- Jim Begg.
- Yep.

- Nancy, Loo--

- Uh Gah, Lolita, sweet--

- That's too hard--
spots before my eyes.

- Don't try anything honey--
- Wow.

- you just stay right there,
and you'll be all right.

- Buh! Thank you.

- Jim Begg and the I.M. Force.

- Should any of you
or your pudgy incompetents

- be caught or killed...
- The rest of us will be glad.

- Ha, ha!

- Yea, though I walk through
the valley of the shadow

- of the breasts, I--
- I'm gonna need both hands

for this.

- Just kill him!

- Ugh!
- * I feel good

Du-nuh nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-huh!

- Is this
the H.G. Wells part?

- I don't know.

- Well, I'm gonna start
heading to the car.

This could go on awhile.

- Ha, ha, ha, ha!

- Eldridge, Cleavage.
- [Laughing]

- Whoa, he's headed
for a snack canyon.

- We have reached the summit!

- I don't need padding.

- [gasping]

- There.
- To heck with the plan,

I'm staying here!

- That's all for that,

- now for those guns.
- Jim Begg.

- I've gotta get to Mike.
- Chuck, take the girl home,

- will you?
- Right.

- I am not eating this soup!

- Woof,

we've come up with another
Pumice compound.

- Penis compound?
- Failed again.

- Sorry, but I'm gonna
have to start sniffing you now.

- [Laughing]

- Well perhaps if you tried
more cyto-neutrino-ga--

- uh, oh you know.
- Hey, don't do that!

- Keep away!
- I didn't to anything!

- [barks]
- Let me...

Mmelting, melting melting.

- Huh, aroma therapy.

- [sniffs]

Hm, smells like Tom Bosley.

- Doh!

- It doesn't work on me.

- As a lab partner,
he's not much help.

- [signs]

Woof, I have some
quite astounding news for you.

- Yeah, Willow sucked.

- Hey,
now that was gratuitous!

- We have
discovered the antidote,

and there must be
something we can do with it,
wouldn't you say?

- [barks]

- Ah, don't give me
that woof crap,

I want an answer!

- Oh good,
this is still going on.

- [giggling]

- Missed again!
- I'm getting away!

- I'm getting out of danger!
- Come on, Goliath!

- Hmm, she's dreaming
she's Susie...

[dramatic music]

- Huh, it sounds like
Shaft is coming.

- Shut your mouth.
- I was talking about Shaft.

- Jim Begg.
- Ha, ha!

- Everything's up to date and--

- whoa!
- I should warn 'em!

After her, quick!

- What do we do
if we catch her?

- We dance dance dance!

- Eh, that David and Goliath
analogy slips even further.

- Boy, they keep looming,
and thrusting, and looming.

- [crunching noises]

- Hey now,
that's a Carnegie Library!

- Uh, they're getting
strong now.

I'm-gonna-fly-now!

Ha, ha, ha! Uh, uh...

- Whoa.
- But in David and Goliath,

David wins!

- Hey Fred,

look.

- Uh, ah...huh?

- Oh my God,
Opie's on fire!

- Surrender Aunt Bea!

- [coughing]

- Huh?

- Oh no, Patchouli!

- He's spreading
a humorous antidote!

- Ew, this stuff really stinks,

but there's no point in you guys
moving or anything, huh?

- Well that's funny,
that kid's dusting crops

where there ain't no crops.

- Uh, you can edge off
the pillar now, Tommy.

- Uh, mustard gas, ugh!

- By this time my son's lungs
were aching for air.

- Robins dropping like flies.

- Flies dropping like flies.

[descending music plays]

- Oh, I went down
400 cup sizes.

- [descending music]
- But you know these gas diets,

you gain it all back
right away.

- Oh yeah.
- And more.

- Don't breathe
the yellow, Opie!

[goofy chuckle]

- We can't help
but observe that the people
who were once big

are now small.

- Just a little bit more,
Freddie-boy.

Yeah, that's right,
just a little bit more.

- There.

- How'd you like that,
Goliath?

- But their clothes
weren't that, they were...

Oh no.

- Mike.

- Well, back down to size, huh?

- What?!
- Who's your tailor, Freddie?

You need some
adjustments, right?

- Hey, hey!
We're goin', huh?!

Just leave us alone!
Leave us alone.

- Yes, it's the running
of the half-naked teens

in Hainesville.

- Should they arrest them
for kidnapping?

- Aw, giant kids
are gonna be giant kids.

- Yeah.

- [whining]

And then we were giants,
and now I have stretch marks.

- Uh-huh, yeah right.
Move along.

- Pretty good weekend though,
huh guys?

- But think of their bladders,

they'd really
have to go to the bathroom
when they shrink, you know?

- Yeah,
they should've exploded.

- That's interesting.

- Uh, you wanna mud-dance?

- Naw,
it wouldn't be the same.

- [moans]

- Well...

we've got a long, long,
long walk.

- Huh?

- Uh, beg your pardon.

Are you people
coming from Hainesville?

- Uh, you can call me Ray,
or you can call me Ray.

- Yes,
we're coming from
Hainesville.

- Is that the place
where they have the Goo?

- Yes, that's the place
where they have the Goo.

- Thank you so much.

- Hah, one last offensive thing
to leave you with, folks.

- The shamed cast
of Terror of Tiny Town

meets the shamed cast
of Village of the Giants.

- Ah, so...

That's it?
Wasn't much of a payoff!

We waited all this time
for that?!

- No!
- For crying out loud.

- No, no, no!
- No, no, no!

- Comin' back to this is like

getting your face smashed
into a giant turkey!

Or maybe this is what
it would feel like

if you had rubber bands
around your eyeballs!

- Oh, it's like wearing
William Conrad's underpants

with a balaclava!

- It's like a lingering kiss
with your bearded aunt!

It's like,
waking up, rolling over
and seeing Jim Varney!

Aaaahhhh!

- It's like being trapped
inside your own gym bag!

- It's like being trapped
inside Jim Begg!

- Ooh!

[metal clanging]

[beeping]

- Boy, you know you guys,
as hard as I tried

to concentrate
on that wonderful movie,

I just kept thinking about
that little Imp Frank.

- Yeah, me too.
- I don't know, guys.

Torgo's cute rating
is off the charts.

- Hey.
- Heh-heh, just kidding.

Come on! Anyway,
we're not the only ones
rallying behind Frank.

Take a look at all this mail!

Keep every letter addressed
lovingly to TV's Frank.

- I haven't seen
such an embarrassing
display of affection

since Dan Aykroyd
was on the Chevy Chase Show.

- Wow!

- And here's one
right here, uh,

put this up
on the still store there,

this is from Annie Current
who says,

"Frank, your evil innocence
and gentle love for pain

keep me on
the edge of my seat,

but don't let
the Doctor hold you down.

You are definitely
going places, buddy.

You see, Frank, there's a lot
of people behind you!

- Yes, doggone-it!

- Thanks, guys.

Say, just watch this.

- ...And shoot it over
to the Madrid lawyers

and see if...
Hold on a second.

Stan,
I've got someone.

- You still here?
- Torgo.

- TV's Torgo.
- TV's Torgo.

Look, I just wanna say,
you won, congratulations,

I'm leaving.

And just to show
that there's no hard feelings,

here's something you can do
that'll make Dr. Forrester

really happy.
Look, all you do

is go up to him
and then you...

- [whispering]
- [agree chuckles]

- Uh, Dr. Forrester!

- Uh, hello, Tor.
I'm almost ready.

I just have to--
Oh-ho-ho, what're you doing?

Uh-- No! No, don't!

[grunting]

- Frank, get the door!
I got garbage to take out!

- Oh, who are you
to judge me anyway?

Uh oh!

[grunting, groaning]

- Frank!
You disgusting little man!

That was your doing,
wasn't it?

- Ah well, uh yeah.

- Frank, that was
one of the most fiendish

and disgusting things
you've ever done,

and I've just got
one thing to say,

Frank...

- Welcome back!
- I got my job back!

Thanks, Dr. Forrester!

- Oh, there's
just one little thing...

Because of that little
stunt you pulled,

I'm going to have to kill you.

- Mind?
- Mind?

What do you think?

[laughing]

- [motor rumbles]
- Uh-ah-- Ugh!

- [motor revs]
- Oh, thank you Dr. Forrester!

- No! Thank you, TV's Frank!

* Frank,
the sun never shown upon *

* Our love before

* Until there was Frank

* A you
from me to you *

* Sweet floppy Frank

* We've had a lifetime
of Frank *

* Endless Frank
will always flow *

* For all we know

- * For all we know

* Frank, from the first day
I knew your name *

* I never knew love
was the same *

- * Never knew
love was the same *

* Open the vines
we've drank on the line *

* Nothin' but
sweet lovin' Frank *

- * Cause it's Frank

- * Knowing that love
could be Frank *

* If only
the sun and the moon *

* Would collide to be Frank

* Let me be Frank about

- * Frankie
- * Let me be Frank

- * About Frank
- * Let me be Frank

* About Frank

[together]
* Cause Frank
is the best Frank *

* That's ever happened

* To me *

- Please?
Please don't go.

[sniffles, sobbing]

- Bye-bye, Frank.

You were enjoyed.

* Nothing but
sweet loving Frank **