Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 6, Episode 21 - Santa Claus - full transcript

♪ In the not too distant
future ♪

♪ Way down in Deep Thirteen

♪ Dr. Forrester
and TV's Frank ♪

♪ Were hatching an evil
scheme ♪

♪ They hired a temp
by the name of Mike ♪

♪ Just a regular
Joe they didn't like ♪

♪ Their experiment needed
a good test case ♪

♪ so they conked him
on the noggin ♪

♪ And they shot him
into space ♪

-Get me down!

♪ We'll send him
cheesy movies ♪

♪ The worst we can find

♪ La, la, la

♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all ♪

♪ And we'll monitor his mind

♪ La, la, la

♪ Now, keep in mind
Mike can't control ♪

♪ Where the movies
begin or end ♪

♪ La, la, la

♪ He'll try to keep
his sanity ♪

♪ With the help
of his robot friends ♪

-Robot roll call.

Cambot.
-Show yourself.

-Gypsy.
-I'm not ready.

-Tom Servo.
-Hello, there.

-Crow.
-That's one "O."

♪ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes ♪

♪ And other science facts

♪ La, la, la

♪ Just repeat to yourself,
"It's just a show ♪

♪ I should really just relax

♪ For 'Mystery Science
Theater 3000'" ♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[Humming "Deck the Halls"]

-Season's greetings,
everyone.

Welcome to
the Satellite of Love.

-Yay!
-You know, you're just in time

for our caroling session.

We've got a nice,
hot mug of cocoa.

As you can see,
we're all bundled up

and we're ready to go.

-So just sit back, relax --

-And listen to Tom drown
out the rest of us.

-Hey.
-[Both laugh]

Come on, you guys,
it's Christmas.

That's okay.
-Yeah, come on.

-Okay, everyone ready?
Get your places.

Here's your note.
-Okay.

-[Plays note]
-[Mimics note]

-♪ Rum, pum-pum-pum,
pum, pum ♪

-♪ Rum, pum, rum-pum-pum

♪ Rum
-[Screaming]

-[All screaming]

-Oh, my head!
Aaah!

-Are you okay?

-Oh, it's terrible!

-We'll be right back.
I think.

Noel.

♪♪

-[Whimpering]

-Gee, Mike, why don't we make ita holiday tradition

that you smash my head

and give Crow extensive
third-degree burns, huh?

-What can I say?
I'm sorry.

-Oh, don't sweat it, Mike.

Uh, with any luck, the burns
will have healed by Labor Day.

-Oh, look.

Yukon Cornelius and Herbie
are calling.

-So cold.

-Ooh!
This is gonna be so great.

-[Shivering]

[Grunts]

Oh, brass monkeys, Frank.

Ugh, brass monkeys.

-Merry Christmas, Dr. F.

-Uh, merry what?

Oh, what's that?

Oh.
-Open it.

-Oh, Frank.

-I shaved my head
and got you a watch fob.

-Oh, you -- Argh!

You -- Oh, you sold
your hair

and got me this beautiful
watch fob.

Oh, thank you.
-Sold my hair?

No.
-Oh.

Well, it's very beautiful.
Thank you.

Well, it's very nice.

Watch fob.

I'll be right back.

What are you doing, Clay?

-I'm just getting
your gift, Frank.

-Oh, you didn't have to do that.

-Oh. No, I-I wanted to.

It's a, uh, a $25 savings bond.

-It's made out to you.

-Oh. Uh, here.

I'll just, uh,
sign it over to you.

There you go.

There.

Well, it matures in 2023.

You'll want to keep that
in a safe place.

-So I guess it'll be worth
a lot of money

in about 30 years or so, huh?

-Well, $25.

What's your deal, Nelson?

-Well, Crow, I-I drew your name,so here it is.

-Whoa. Ooh, wow.
Oh, wow.

A Steve Alaimo album.
Ooh, wow.

Oh, how did you know I needed ---This is a good one, too.

This has the extended mix of

"Don't Let the Sun Catch
You Crying."

-Oh, thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Ooh. Oh, Servo, open mine.

-Okay.
Mike, would you mind?

-Oh, right.
-Oh.

-No. No. No way.

The 1991 Drug IV Handbook?

This is too good.

Oh, look.
Electrolyte component chart.

The full pharmacokinetics.
I love it.

Thank you, Crow.
-Oh, you're welcome.

-Open mine, Mike.
Open mine.

-Oh, the big one, okay.

Okay, here it is.

Oh, wow.

Great sweater, Gyps.

Thanks.
Look at that.

It says, uh, "Joike" on it.

-Yeah, well, I-I started
knitting it

for the other guy
a long time ago.

And -- and then, well --
well, you know.

[Laughter]

-I love it.
I really love it.

Hey, don't you have something
for Gypsy?

-Oh, yeah, it's right
down there.

Would you get it for me?
Yeah, it's some of them, uh,

underwear in a candy cane,
kind of cute.

Thought you might like it, Gyps.

-Oh.
Oh, no.

Oh, don't start.
Oh, No.

[Giggling]

[Laughter]

-These guys.
-30 years, $25.

And I shaved my head for you?

-Well, you didn't
have to, baldy.

-My hair!

My beautiful head
of TV's Frank hair.

[Sobbing]

-Your movie today, Mark,
is called "Santa Claus."

It's a thoughtful,
well-shot documentary

about the Crimean War.

-It's a stupid
Mexican kids' movie.

[Sobbing]

-Oh, and, Servo,
I got you a dreidel.

-Cool.

[Buzzer sounding]

-Oh, movie sign!
-Movie sign!

-My dreidel!

[Liquid dripping]

[Beeping]

[ "Jingle Bells"playing]

[All humming]

-Oh, Murray,
the ceiling needs painting.

-[Laughs]

[Humming continues]

-I saw Mommy killing Santa Claus

underneath the mistletoe
last murder.

-Joe Don Baker is Santa Claus.

[Humming continues]

-Hey, wait, this is a fascist
Santa Claus.

-Yeah, at the end of the movie,
Santa gets hung upside down.

-Well, at least he made
the sleigh rides run on time.

-"Santa Claus
versus the Aztec Mummy."

-El Santa.
El Santa will save us.

[Humming "La Cucaracha"]

-Ole!
-Think it's really a good idea

to jingle all the way?

-Hmm. Hmm.

-It's a free-trade Christmas.

[Humming "Jingle Bells"]

-Music's mocking us.

-Hey, all right,

Christmas is going to Mexico
for spring break.

-Ooh, dude.
-Partay!

-[Laughs]

♪ Jingle bells, Batman smells,
Robin laid an egg ♪

♪ Batmobile lost a wheel
and the Joker got away ♪

-[Laughs]

-Oh, that's such cute
wrapping paper.

Yeah, Doris got it at Newbury's.

-Save it.
Oh, I mean save it.

Save the wrapping paper.

[ "Jingle Bells"
continues playing]

-Well, apparently
they are committed

to jingling all the way.

-Did, uh, Danny Elfman
write this music?

-[Laughs] Elfman?
-Yeah.

-Danny Elfman?

-I heard this film was
taken away from Ken Smith

and re-edited by Santa himself.

-Away up in the heavens,
far out in space,

in a beautiful gold
and crystal palace

right above the North Pole,

lives a kind
and jolly old gentleman...

-My dad.
-...Santa Claus, also known

as St. Nicholas.

-No distinguishing marks
or scars.

-The best friend of boys
and girls everywhere.

But let's move in
for a closer look.

Come along.

-St. Barbie the Archangel.

-Stay. Stay.

[Santa Laughing]

-Action Jesus.
Manger sold separately.

[Jolly laughter continues]

-[Sinister laugh]
-I will rule the world.

[Sinister laugh]

-I think Santa would be inhis sweats on his days off, huh?

-Ha, it's almost Christmas,
and I must finish the toys

for all the good children
on Earth.

I hope you'll pardon me,
but you know I mustn't be late.

-Just humor him.

-[Humming "Silent Night"]

-Why does he have that
Air Force star above his door?

-Well, Santa flew 23 missions
over North Korea.

-You don't say.

-Now Santa Claus
on "Pipe Dreams."

-It's Liberace Santa.

-Now Santa plays
"The Six Wives of Henry VIII."

-[Humming "Silent Night"]

-He doesn't know
the words to this song?

You'd think that
he'd know the words.

-This is Santa's Toy Land,

a sort of international
toy factory.

Here are gathered boys and girlsof different races and creeds.

They have come from many lands
to help

Santa bring joy and happiness
to all of the Earth's children.

These little helpers
are from Africa.

[Drumming]

-Oh, brother.
-Oh, no.

Boo!
-That's good.

-Ted Danson's comedy school.

-♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho,
stayin' alive, stayin' alive ♪

-I think David Byrne
stole this music.

[Drumming]

-Here are Santa's helpers
from Spain.

-[Singing in Spanish]

-Hey, children on the verge
of a nervous breakdown.

-[Singing in Spanish]

-Clap on. [Laughs]

Clap off.

-[Singing in Spanish]

-Ooh!

-[Singing in Spanish]

-♪ I love him, I love him

♪ And where he goes
I'll follow ♪

-Tots from China
lend a hand, as well.

-[Singing in Chinese]

-Bertolucci is brought in
to direct this scene.

-[Singing in Chinese]

-Pick it up, kids,
I'm feeling frisky.

-[Singing in Chinese]

-♪ We are forced to sing

-[Singing in Chinese]

-Hey, could we move on
to a country with some rhythm?

-One more time!

-[Shrill singing]

-Ugh.

-Sorry about that, folks.

-Boys and girls from England
-Have rotten teeth.

-Crow.
-What?

-♪ London Bridge
is falling down ♪

♪ Falling down, falling down

-Feel it. Get down with
your bad Santa self.

Whoo!
-♪ My fair lady

-[Singing in Japanese]

-Japan also helps Santa.

-By investing in his toy-making
corporation,

they now own Santa lock,
stock, and barrel.

-Okay, back to cram school.

-Santa has a rich fantasy life,
I think.

-Some weird elves you see there.-You know,

if seasonal holiday depression
has a soundtrack, this is it.

-Yeah. Yep.

-[Singing in Japanese]

-Ooh. Wow.

[Singing stops]

-Thank you.

-Talented children
from the Orient.

-Are not here today.

-Um, uh, you're, uh --

You're dancing
on my keyboard.

[Eastern music playing]

-Get it on in the morning, now.

Unh! Ha!

[Upbeat music playing]

-Even Russia has a delegation.

-Currently under surveillance
by the CIA.

[Upbeat Russian music playing]

-Ho. Ho. Ho. Ho. Ho.
Ho. Ho. Hey!

[Music continues]

-Santa makes them sing 16 hours
a day for $2 an hour.

-The group from France.

-Stinks to high heaven.

-Servo.

-Sorry, but well,
that's a known fact.

-It is not.

-Yvette and Pierre.

-[Imitating child]
You stupid Americans.

-[Singing in French]

-Ooh, vive la France.

-[French accent] Retreat!
Retreat!

-Servo, what is it with you
and the French?

-German boys and girls
help Santa, too.

-[German accent] Klink,
you are a terrible singer.

-You're absolutely right.
I am a terrible singer.

-How would you like to sing
at the Russian front?

-Well, my father was
a very famous --

-Shut up, please.
-Yes, sir.

-Better be careful
with these guys.

They could invade
the North Pole.

Germans, you see.

-[Singing in German]

-I just want to know one thing.

When are Donny and Marie
coming through the door?

-Never.
-Me too.

-Don't say anything
to upset them.

-Germans.

The Von Trapp Family
Singers here, huh?

[Italian music playing]

-Here is a happy song
from Italy.

-[Singing in Italian]

-Some Italians,
hot and spicy.

-[Singing in Italian]

-So is this neo-realism?

-[Singing in Italian]

-[Italian accent]
Okay, we're gonna wax Santa.

He's trying to muscle in
on the Easter Bunny's turf.

-Okay. Okay, great,
you've offended everyone now.

-The islands of the Caribbean.

-Have nothing to do
with this movie.

-[Singing in Spanish]

-[Jamaican accent]
Legalize it, mon.

-♪ Get up, stand up,
stand up for your rights ♪

-[Jamaican accent]
Ho, ho, irie, man. Irie.

Something special
in that stocking.

-[Singing in Spanish]

-[Normal voice] Hey, it's
a young Sheila E.

-[Singing in Spanish]

-Next up in the junior vocalist
category, Thailand.

Ha.

-Bring it on ho-ho-home, kids.

-The South American group
includes Brazil and Argentina.

-And a few other countries
not worth mentioning right now.

[Upbeat music playing]

-Ho, Santa's doing
the forbidden dance.

-Huh! Oh!

Waka-chicka, waka-chicka,
waka-chicka.

Huh. Get down.

Huh. Get some soul.

-Hey, Mike, has she been read
her Carmen Miranda rights?

-Doh!
-Oh.

-Eh. Huh.

-The countries of
Central America.

-Are a threat to Santa's
vital security interests.

-Hey, hey, they're the same kidsfrom the other countries.

They'll be playing
the Egyptians next.

-[Singing in Spanish]

-♪ The house began to twitch

-[Singing in Spanish]

-Hooray! USA, whoo!
-USA, whoo!

-Children from the USA.

-Are too spoiled and lazy
to help Santa.

Ha, ha.
There, that makes it better.

-♪ Little lamb, little lamb,
little lamb ♪

-Ugh.
Cop killer.

C-C-C-Cop killer.

-Uh, excuse me.
You're rhythm guitar.

I'm lead.

-♪ It followed her to school
one day ♪

-This is the really new country.

-He has a generous
helping of ears, doesn't he?

-Young Jeff Healey.

-♪ Which was against the rules

-A neighborly group of helpers
from Mexico.

-Are over-accessorized.

-[Singing in Spanish]

-Whoa, they found
a little demon puppy.

They found Chucky.

-Relax. Relax.
It's just Keith Magnuson.

-Oh, that's worse.
-Oh, you're right.

-[Singing in Spanish]

-It's Los Lobos' first gig.
-Oh.

-Kid, that's not how
you play a rifle.

-[Singing in Spanish]

-Whoo!

♪♪

-[Chuckling]
Hello, there.

-Santa, do you like this devil?

-Why, he owns my soul.
-Devil?

Now, let's see.

Don't think
anybody ordered this.

-It's not a popular item.
-Well, now, how does it work.

What is the sense of it?

-Like this, Santa.
You must light it.

-Let's have it.

-No, my eyes!

My eyes!
My beard's on fire.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

-Jamie Farr.

-I'm positively evil.

-Devil's got a really
weird scene going down here.

-You're gonna burn, burn,
burn those calories off.

-Well, he may be the Devil,

but he sure knows
how to fill his day.

-Oh, they've got those nice

fur-lined
slippers, all of them there.

-Mm.
-Coven.

-Oh, I suppose Hell
got an NEA grant.

-You'd figure after an eternity
of this, they'd be better.

-Maybe they're over-practiced.

-Try it again.

-I, Lucifer, King of Hades,

command you
to stop and disappear.

-I'm trying to sleep here.
-Begone, all of you.

-Uh, is it hot in here?

Hot? Uh-huh.

-You, Pitch, chief of all
my demons, must listen closely.

The time is almost here
when you must abandon

the brimstone pits
and journey up to Earth.

-Yes. Earth, yes.

-But this time
you must not fail,

as you've done in the past.
-No, not in the past.

-You must not be defeated

by that
bearded old goat, Santa Claus.

If you do not succeed
in making all the children

of the Earth do evil,
you shall be punished.

And instead of red-hot coals,

you would eat
chocolate ice cream.

-No. No, Lucifer, king of
all the evil spirits.

-Clark Gable in Hell.

-By the horns of everything
satanic, I beg you.

To live, I must have heat.

Frozen meals are bad for me,
especially chocolate.

It's very bad for my digestion,
which is so delicate.

-And I'm lactose intolerant.
-Yes, I promise,

oh, priceless prince of Hades,
that by many words

I will finish off
Santa forever, induce children

to commit terrible deeds,
and make Santa Claus angry.

-Go out, then,

and show the world
who is its real master.

-So be it, Lucifer.

-You know, that Lucifer
is like Satan, from Hell.

-Wow.
-Demons of Hades,

transport me to Earth.

[Laughs]

-And so the Devil rose to Earth.

You heard what he said
to Lucifer.

But will he be able
to keep his promise?

-Yeah, it wasn't as funny
as I thought.

[Humming "Bonanza" theme]

-Ho, ho, ho.
-Whoa.

Now, this is good old-fashioned
nightmare fuel.

[Laughter]

-Hey, look, the ghost
of Ross Perot.

-Santa's army of
walking corpses.

-On Earth, the children can
hardly wait for Christmas Day.

They gaze longingly at the toysthey hope Santa will bring them.

Here is a good little boy
whose daddy is quite rich.

-He's a lobbyist
for the insurance industry.

-Yeah, let's get out of here.

I'm quite rich, you know,
got things to do. Rich.

[ "Jingle Bells"playing]

-This mother, on the other hand,is very poor.

-Aw.

-And this is her
daughter Lupita,

whose fondest dream
is to own a doll, any doll.

-He is aggressively cute.
-[Santa laughing]

-Santa's laughter
mocks the poor.

-I'll have to get past
the security system.

-[Santa laughing]
-Heh. Well, anyway.

-Uh, question, Mr. Santa.

-All right, come along.
I gotta buy a bra.

["Jingle Bells" continues]

♪♪

-Plink, plink, plink.

-Who are these three?

-Say, it's rude to push
and shove like that.

-Ma Barker's killer brood.

-The Devil likes rude
little boys,

and it doesn't take him
long to find them.

They're just right
for his evil plan.

-Just act natural.

-Hey, buddy,
could you lose the horns?

I'm trying to see.

-Devil's really chewing up
the scenery here, huh?

-Well, one thing is certain.

The Devil has turned them
against Santa Claus.

-Oh, Officer Krupke,
da, da, da, da.

-Suddenly he's with them again.

-You can't be in
our club, Satan.

-Out of nowhere,
he produces three rocks,

and his evil plan
goes into action.

-Oh, boy.
-Uh-oh.

-This is bad.

-And that ain't good.
-Ho, ho.

Ow!
-And Satan scores.

-Darn that Devil.

Oh, I'm sorry,

but that old Devil is always
annoying me with his mischief.

-If I could only go
down there now,

I'd put him in his place.
-Oh, big talker.

-But everyone knows
I can only go down to Earth

on Christmas Eve,
and not before.

-In the meantime...
[Speaking foreign language]

[Speaking foreign language]

-Huh?
-A short while ago,

I saw the Devil whispering
to four children,

and one was a poor little girl.

-Narc.
-Do you know who they are?

-I've got their names.
The bad boys are --

-No, no, no, no, no, no.
-Oh, no, no, no, no.

-The naughty boys
are not important.

They will get punished
in due course.

The ones I must reward
are the other children,

like the good little girl.

-I've got their names
right here.

The girl is called --
-Uh, better look through

the telescope, Pedro.
-What?

-We'll find out
what they're doing.

-There's a sliver?
-This is Santa's

magic observatory.

What wonderful instruments.
The year scope.

The tele talker
that knows everything.

The cosmic telescope.

The master eye.
-The pleasure mouth.

-Nothing that happens on Earth
is unknown to Santa Claus.

-Thanks to Liz Smith.
-By thy magic powers,

look for the child
we're seeking,

whether she is in a cave
or behind a million mountains.

-Wow, Santa's got the dirt
on everybody.

-That is a mouth, isn't it?

-All ready.

-Whoa.

-Santa's tendrils reach
far and wide.

There is no hiding
from the Claus organization.

♪♪

-Huh? What? Huh?
Oh, Sandy Duncan.

Ha.

-Kid's positioning himself
to replace Santa.

♪♪

-Uh, yeah.

-This weird enough for you,
folks?

How does this make you feel
about Santa?

-I think I found the girl?
-Where?

-A dame? Spread out, kid.

-In Mexico.

-[Laughs] Oh, yeah,
he really zeroed in on her.

♪♪

-Oh.

-♪ Incense and peppermints

-"Puppet Master 3."

-Yes, it's Lupita, all right.
-Huh.

-And she's still dreaming
about that doll she wants.

-Oh, it looks like
the puppet version

of "My Dinner With Andre."

-Satan's been busy, I see.

[Laughter]

♪♪

♪♪

[Cheers and applause]

-Good evening, Buffalo.

We are Santa Klaws, and we have
just one question for you.

Are you ready to be merry?
-Yes.

-I said, are you ready
to be merry?

-Yes!

-Then stuff this
in your stocking.

One, two, three, four.

-♪ I have slain the Grinch
I have broken his spell ♪

♪ I am the warrior of Christmas,the world we will tell ♪

-♪ Christmas time,
free your mind ♪

♪ Let love unwind

-♪ The warrior of Christmas
has cast out the neon prince ♪

♪ Hail the new Claus,
your hair he will rinse ♪

[Cheers and applause]

-♪ Silver bells fall
from your nose ♪

♪ Santa Claus and mistletoe

♪ Rudolph's found
the emperor's clothes ♪

-♪ Blitzen, let's explore

♪ Joy to the woooooooorld

Oh!

-Thank you.

-Thank you, Buffalo.
We love you.

-Thank you.
Thank you.

We love you.
-Thank you.

♪♪

-[Speaking indistinctly]

-Huh?
-Oh, no.

This is wrong somehow.

-[Sighs]

-We can only hope that
the scars don't go too deep.

Come on, I gotta go look
for a slip.

-And now the hollow feeling
that follows any puppet show.

-Huh?

-Lupita isn't thinking of
stealing that doll, is she.

-Society owes me.
-No! No, Lupita.

You shouldn't steal.
Put it back.

-Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm the narrator.

I shouldn't get so involved.

-Huh?
-Lupita.

Lupita, come here.

-Run, Lupita, run.

-Do I need accessories too?

I'm at a moral crossroads, Mom.

Aw.
-It's yours.

Nobody saw you take it, Lupita.

They have more,
and they won't miss it.

What does one little
doll matter?

Don't you see?

You haven't got any toys.

-He makes a convincing argument.-Don't listen to him, Lupita.

It's bad to steal.

And you'll be sorry.

-Ah, the classic battle
between evil and the narrator.

-That's right, put it back.
-I guess that's better.

-Good girl.
-[Muttering in frustration]

-Oh. Don't you ever
do that again.

-Way to defeat Satan, honey.

-How are you gonna fence a doll?

-Oh, geez.
-Hey, silly girl.

Now you'll have to do
without a dolly.

Little girls must deal or do
without the things they like.

-That's not true, Lupita.

If you're good,
somehow you'll be rewarded.

-Well, that's not strictly
true either, but...

-Help me.

-Hmm.

-Cable pays off in so many ways.

Ha.
-Hooray for her.

Hooray for her.

All my friends
can ignore the Devil.

All they need to win
is to be good in spirit.

-And the other children?
-Come, Pedro, find them.

-Round up the usual suspects.

-Santa's top executive, Pedro.

-By thy magic powers, look for
the child we're seeking,

whether he is in a cave
or behind a million mountains.

Okay.

-Now, Pedro, did I tell you
to summon demons?

-We got dolls.

-It's the "Trilogy of Terror"
dolls.

-So where's Mrs. Claus?

-Oh, she winters in Lauderdale.
-Oh.

[high-pitched tones]

-Ow.

-Do I have tinnitus,
or does anyone else hear that?

-What?

-Increasingly paranoid,
Santa's obsession

with security begins
to hinder everyday operations.

-Uh, shouldn't Santa have

a bench warrant
to install these things?

-Mm, sugar plums.
Dancing. Ah.

-He's sleeping soundly.

His dream will appear
on the dream scope.

-Hey, that's wrong.

-Connect the antenna
for the dream scope.

-Magic kiss carpets.

-Hey, a Van Gogh fan.

-Ow.

-Well, Pedro, what's on
the dessert tray, huh?

-Pop-O-Matic pops the dice.

-It's the ultimate bubble.

[Coughing]

-No, not that dream. No.

-Let's watch the little
rich boy's dream.

-And the corruption inherent
in his life.

-How strange.
And what large gift boxes.

Would these be toys?

Why, they contain
what a child loves best...

-A maitre d'.
-...his parents.

-It's your new mom.
-Ah.

-Hey, this is a dream --
a two-parent house.

-I see.

-We need to go
and leave you again.

The baby sitter is in the box
over in the corner.

-I miss my mom.

-[Speaking foreign language]

-A dream is a wish
that the heart makes.

-Or something like that.

-Then this child is not worthy.

He gets everything he wishes
just by asking his parents.

-The only thing this child
wants --

-Is fear itself.
-...is the love of his parents.

-Don't they love him?

-Maybe they do.

And maybe they don't.
-Oh, geez, he's waffling.

-But soon we will
find out the truth.

-And Lupita?

What do you think
she might wish?

-If she's already sleeping, we
might be able to see her dream.

-Kids, this is so Jungian.

-Santa. Uh, Santa, yo.

-Hey, Kringle, snap out of it!
Geez! Whoa.

[Coughing]

-Huh?

Honey, Santa's looking in
on our daughter again.

-Honey, does this crowbar
look okay here?

-Well, they're not too poor
to afford

an insurance calendar, I see.

-It was nice of Marcel Duchamp
to let them use his apartment.

♪♪

-I wonder if our child
is dreaming.

-Well, actually we enter
several dream stages

during a typical night.
There's REM.

Then there's the --
Oh, sorry.

-Let's go bowling.

-I recall when
I was a little girl.

-Oh, God, here we go.

-I often would dream
of great riches.

-The old "I could have been
a dancer" story.

-But I have all the things
I wish for

and not a care in the world.

-That was before the abysmal
mess called my marriage.

Sorry. Sorry.
-Confounded Devil.

Why can't he leave Lupita alone?

-Hey, he's just doing his job.

-Whoa, his breath smells
like Underwood Deviled Ham.

-[Snoring]

-[Panting]

-I think he got those horns
in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

-Maybe his breath
is fresh and minty.

-Ooh.
-That's disgusting.

-Just look at that old busybody.

He'll make Lupita
want to steal again.

He'll be part of her dream.

-[Imitating child] Uh, Santa,
could you notch the volume

down a little?
We're right here.

-Better look at her dream now.

-Better get on the horn with Godsince Satan's involved now.

-Pick your refrigerator, Lupita.

-♪ I can get a dolly,
and the top is blue ♪

♪ She is very pretty,
and her name is Sue ♪

-Everybody sing along.

- ♪ When I took her shopping,
she got sick... ♪

-Must admit,
she's got a way with a ballad.

-♪ When I took her home,
she got well... ♪

-Take it home, Lupita.

♪♪

-Why don't you steal us?
We can all be yours.

-No.

You know that stealing is bad.

And I want to be good.
-But you must learn to steal.

-I'm Martha Raye.
-No. You know stealing is bad.

And I want to be good.

-We dolls don't like
good little girls.

-No.

To steal is evil,
and I don't want to be evil.

-Perhaps I could --
-You want to be evil.

if you want the doll.
-No.

You know stealing is evil,
and I don't want to be evil.

-I think David Hume had --
-Steal us,

and we will all be yours.

-Well, it's a moralistic --
-I don't want to be evil.

And telling lies is evil.

-You wan to be good, eh?
Don't want to be bad?

-No.

-The kid should be a lawyer.
-Stealing is bad.

And I want to be good.

-Well, then,
you'll never have a doll.

[Cackling]

-What the heck was that?

-Mama. Mama.

-I had the 'Nam dream.

[Coughing]

-Yeah, let's try
to avoid that dream.

-Believe me, that old Pitch
is going to pay for this.

-Old what?-The very minute I get to Earth,

he will pay
for what he is doing.

-And the three little boys,
the ones who broke the window,

maybe they have done
more mischief.

-Yeah, thanks, Tex.

-[Speaking foreign language]

-Yes, look for them.
-Get them now.

I want to see them fry.

-[Speaking foreign language]

-I'm getting Gamera
is taking over the city.

-[Speaking foreign language]

♪♪

It figures Santa would be
a ham operator.

-Oh, it all makes sense now.
-Oh.

-Well, Santa should have hired
some taller kids.

-Oh, lost my contact.

-Clown-o-meter on overload.

[Electronic noises]

-The three boys
are beneath a large bed,

but they are speaking
in a low voice.

-They are looking at "Playboys."-Let's zoom in on the ear scope.

-Now we will learn exactly
what they are planning.

-Huh? The J. Paul Getty Jr.
scope.

-No.
-Oh.

-It's an oscillating fan
with an ear attached.

Period.
-Okay.

-Hmm.

Huh.
-Hmm.

-Hmm.
-Or not.

-I've got it.
-Mick Jagger.

-We'll break our
neighbor's window.

-Yeah, and we'll steal
that kid's toys.

He's got a lot of them.

-If we were good boys,
we'd get toys, too.

-What's the fun in that?

It's no fun to be good.

Anyway, Santa Claus
doesn't care about us.

He's too far away.
-They're on to me.

Into the escape pod.
-Let's write him a letter

and tell him
we've been good as angels.

-Do you think he's gonna
fall for that?

-Sure, he will.

I'll be he can't even
see well anymore.

Too old to know what goes on.

-I have no idea what my emotionsare supposed to be.

-Me, too old?
Huh.

The Devil is very many
centuries older than I am.

-But the Devil works out.

-Those young kids
have got their nerve.

Next to the Devil,
I'm just a child.

It's just that
I haven't been well lately.

-Why, I haven't had
a good BM in --

-That really makes me --
Let's see who those boys are.

-Heat up the death ray.
-We'll see what they're up to.

-Santa's gonna to get down.

-There you are,
you little rascals.

Well, you might as well know

I can see
and hear everything you say.

I know when you've been
bad or good.

-Did you hear that?
-I'll say.

Let's get out of here.-Oh, damn, I had the speaker on.

-My dear, Santa Claus.

-Ooh, is this
Van Cliburn's apartment?

-Only thing that I wish for ---I would love a linen lampshade.

-...is for my parents
can stay with me

the night before Christmas.

I don't like --
-You.

-...to be alone.
-Oh.

-But the most important thing ---Is my fake writing.

-...bring me a little brother ---Or people will die.

-...just about my age,
because I get awfully bored.

-Call me Ishmael.

I was born in a house
my father built.

The minute Yossarian --

-Please, Mr. Ruth,
hit a home run for me.

-I know it's hard for you, but
maybe you could get me a papa.

That would be super,
or just even a mama.

-A train with lots --
-My office instructed

to wire you up to $25,000.

Stop. Hee-haw.
-...bicycle, too.

-Why didn't he have his
secretary write this letter?

-Young Bill Gates
writing a letter.

-An airplane that will fly.

-And I want a ball.

-And could I have
my feet unbound?

-Good pair of shoes
to wear on Sunday.

-And as my two little brothers
have behaved very well --

-Write it. Write it!

-...you must see that
they get everything.

-Santa's such a sucker.

[ "Jingle Bells"playing]

-It's big band Santa.
-Yabba do-ba, ba da-ba.

-I'm telling you, Pappy,
these Comedy Central contests

are a waste of time.

-[Imitates timer ticking]

[Explosion noise]

-Now I'm feeling disgruntled.
Grr.

-Santa Claus.
Santa Claus.

Santa Claus.
Santa Claus.

-Comma, Finland.
-Santa Claus.

Santa Claus.
Santa Claus.

-You guys ever hear of
this Santa Claus?

-Santa Claus.
Santa Claus.

Santa Claus.
-♪ Crying

-More Santa Claus?
-More Santa Claus.

-Off they go.

Santa Claus.
Santa Claus.

-May I just point out
that Toscanini works

at the post office.

♪♪

-Oh, Santa has the power
to reverse film.

-Oh!
[Chuckling]

-[Imitates thump] Oh, there was
a rock in that one.

-Ho, ho, ho.

There's a dollar in every one.

My chain letter scam worked.

Ho, ho, ho.

-Marvelous.

Stupendous.
Just look at all those letters.

-Mailbox of values.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

-St. Nicholas.
Santa Claus.

-I still rule.
Eat my dust, Easter Bunny.

Oh, I'm more popular than Jesus.

-Oh, geez, I need a database.
-Let's see now.

-Let's see here.

"Dear Santa, I'm an elderly
woman who doesn't enjoy sex."

-"My dear Santa Claus.

This year,
I have behaved very well.

I have been obedient..."
-It's from a poodle.

-"...and have studied very much.

For that reason, please try to
bring me these toys --

a toy automobile,
a submarine, a football, a bat,

roller skates, a scooter,
a cannon, a rocket, a bicycle,

an atomic laboratory,
a machine gun."

-Oh, it's from Qaddafi.
-Whew.

Ooh.

Golly.

-Why, that's filthy.

No, I can't bring you that.
No.

-And many thanks.
Huh.

-Oy gevalt.

-So be it.

-♪ I've written a letter
to Daddy ♪

-"And as my two little brothers
have behaved very well..."

Hmm.

-From Erik and Lyle Menendez.

-"...you must see to it
that they get everything."

Huh, a falsehood.
Hmm.

-See?
There's no fooling Santa Claus.

-Oh, yeah? So who talked him
into that suit?

-Huh.
Into the liars box.

-Santa's really into labeling.

-"Dear, Santa Claus,

please bring me
a little brother."

-Ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho.

Can do.
Ho, ho.

Can do.

-Here's one for you,
Mr. Stork.

-[Chuckling]

I just sent him a coupon
for half off a little brother.

-I'm feeling good.

I think I'll go have myself
a Rumple Minze now.

-Meanwhile, in the sweatshop.

-Attention, everybody.

-Quiet, it's the old man.
He's announcing layoffs.

-The hour is drawing near for meto go down to Earth,

where all good children
expect my arrival.

-Hey, listen up.
-Christmas Eve is almost here.

-What?
-But we still have thousands --

-Did he say, "Blessed
are the cheesemakers?"

-Let's all make a big effort
to get our work finished.

-Whatever.
-It's up to you. [Chuckles]

-Yeah, that's great, but Santa'spep talks don't pay the rent.

How about a little pay hike,
big man?

♪♪

-Sorry about the blindfold,
Mike.

-Yeah, we just didn't
have enough

wrapping paper for
your Christmas present.

-So, with the help of a French
communications satellite

that just happened to be
in range for a minutes,

we give you --
-Take off your blindfold, Mike.

[Imitates cymbals noise]
The Family Nelson.

-Guys, this -- this isn't
my family.

-Oh, look how happy
they are to see you, Mike.

-But this -- this isn't
my family.

-Oh, Mike, I can just imagine
all the warm memories

you must have of these,
your loved ones.

-Tom, this isn't my family.

-But -- But they're
the Nelsons, Mike.

-Well, they're a Nelson,

but there's more
than one Nelson in the world.

-Oh, that explains the 700
other Nelsons

in the Green Bay phone book.

-Yeah?
I'm not from Green Bay.

-Hey, sir, ma'am?

Uh, we're really sorry
about all this.

Uh, you see, there was some sortof mix-up with my buddies here.

-Oh, that'll happen.
-Yeah.

So, uh, well, you know,
we gotta get going

'cause, you know,
we're up in space,

and, you know, we got --
You know.

-Well, that's different.
-Yeah.

Well, uh, a-again, we're --
we're real sorry.

-Well, Dad?
-Yeah, I suppose.

-Yeah, okay.
Well, happy holidays.

And bye-bye. You too, there.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

-Well, it's the thought
that counts, isn't it.

-Yeah.

Uh, your family anything
like those Nelsons, Mike?

-Oh, yeah, a little.

Uh, only they're not
so emotional.

[Buzzer sounding]

-Oh, no, we got movie sign.
Let's go!

♪♪

♪♪

-Here's a list of all the gifts,names, and addresses.

-Well, just put it over there.

Well, thank heaven I still have
a very good memory, eh,

and I know every
single child on Earth.

-Isn't that right, Pueblo?
Uh, Paco.

Uh, or whatever.

-He's really going
downhill fast.

-Well, just to make sure,
why don't you take it with you?

-I've really got to hurry.

It's almost time
for the crystal clock

on the wall to strike 10:00.

-Don't forget that you've got
to return

to the castle ahead
of the sunrise,

because the sun will turn
the reindeer into dust.

-How many Christmases
you done, kid?

-I'll be here, all right.

In that case, I couldn't
get back to the castle.

And on what they use for food,
I'd perish.

Because here our main food
is pastries and ice cream

made of soft clouds --

[Gagging]

-What food do they eat
on Earth, Santa Claus?

-Oh, everything in sight.

They eat most of the animals,
the plants, the flowers,

the roots, birds,
even smoke and alcohol.

-And they eat at Hardee's.
-But enough of this talking.

We're wasting time,
and I must be off.

[Beeping]

-Nice van horn, Kringle.

-♪ I'm not scared of dying,
and I don't really care ♪

-Everybody.

-♪ Merry Christmas,
everybody, everybody ♪

♪ Say goodbye to Santa Claus

♪ He is leaving...

-Hope they know
they're not going with.

♪ ...with the reindeer

♪ And a sack of Christmas toys

-[Imitating smashing sounds]

-Well, only 37 billion
gifts to go.

-♪ Hurry up, my children

♪ Get on with your packing

♪ It's the night for Santa Clausto fill all those stockings ♪

-Nice aria, Santa.

-[Children singing]

-Thanks a lot, Rolf.

-♪ Merry, merry greetings
I take to one and all ♪

♪ So hurry if you want to enjoy
the Yuletide fun ♪

-♪ I'll see you in your
nightmares ♪

♪ Rum-pum, pum-pum-pum

[Smashing sounds]

-Hey, my Ovation.
-This will be mine one day.

-Bone in my hair?
I'm from Detroit.

-Now Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to all.

-Merry Christmas.

-Every year we've got to sing
a fruity send-off song.

No wonder the elves quit.

-[Chuckles]

-Let's see if I have everything.

The bag with the powders for
dreaming of joy and goodwill.

-Hey, it's Closey,
the closed caption kid.

-The golden key that opens
all doors.

-Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo.
-The sleigh.

And now I'd better make sure
my reindeer are running.

-So I'm OD'd
on whimsy right now.

-Yes, Santa's sleigh is really
a huge toy sleigh.

-No!
-And he has to wind it

like any other toy
to make it go.

-Oh, kind of technical here.
You wouldn't understand.

-It lives.

-Oh, Santa, you miracle worker.

-Ha. Hey, Mike.
-Yeah?

-That deer is feeling
pretty cranky right now.

Ha! Get it?
Cranky. Ha.

Deer. Ha. It --

[Groans]

-No.
This isn't charming at all.

It's creepy.

-Help us.
-[Laughing]

-Well, when Santa laughs,the whole world shakes its head.

[Laughter]

[Hysterical forced laughter]

-My God, what's happening?

-Huh.
-Santa?

-Uh, a pentagram and reindeer
laughing.

You figure it out.

[ "Jingle Bells"playing]

-Be off, my reindeer,

and glide through the heavens
as fast as you can go.

May my palace of gold
and crystal enjoy peace.

And Jesus, the Son of God,
join us on Earth

so that we can
all have joy and goodwill.

-This is weird theology.
-On, my good reindeer!

-Wait, open the garage door!
Oh, that's --

[Imitates crashing noise]

-Well, Santa, I guess all us
3-year-olds

will just fend for ourselves.

Don't worry about us.

-So Mike, is this St. Cloud?

[Chuckling]
-That's two.

-Because it's clouds.

-Oh, darn, forgot my Chapstick.

Whatever.

-I'm telling you, Blixen,

he's gained about 30 pounds
since last year.

I don't think I can hold out.

[Panting]

-Uh, this is Houston, Santa.

We're tracking you on radar.

Seem to be having
some trouble there

with the primary thrust system.

Uh, repeat, eject now.
-Uh-oh.

Santa got drunk and deliveredall the gifts to the moon again.

-Whew, that was close.
-Well, no.

-He almost ran into the moon.

-Just take my word for it.

-And here's the planet Earth.

-Well, kind of.

-I wonder where Santa
will go first.

Europe? Africa? America?

- Circle Pines?

-♪ I like to live in America

♪ Cadillacs zoom in America

-Think of all the nice things
you'll get from Santa Claus.

-Yes, Mama.

-That's a good boy.
-Or a girl.

-See you in the morning.
-If you get bored,

you can go down
and practice your piano lesson.

See you later, my darling.

-Our love's implied.
Goodbye.

Maybe we can do this again
sometime.

You seem like a nice kid.
-Ugh.

Why do they leave me
so heavily medicated?

Um, were --
were my parents just here?

If I could just get
some movement in my legs.

[Whimpering]

-He's dead.
-I knew it.

The Devil is nearby,

and these three certainly
are up to no good.

-Okay, listen now.

As soon as Santa Claus lands
on the roof here,

all three of us
will jump on him.

-We'll tie him up
and we'll stick him in a sack.

And then we'll go home
with all of Santa's toys.

-But what about Santa?
-We can make him our slave,

and all of the candies
and toys will belong to us.

-Gee, nice kids.
-So whenever we want

something --
-Oh boy, this is gonna be fun.

-Better not talk now.

He can hear, so get away.

-Isn't kidnapping Santa
a federal offense?

-I think so.

-No, a strolling Gallagher.
-Ugh.

[Upbeat music playing]

-It's a Fellini Christmas.

-Attica! Attica!
-Time for bed.

Santa Claus will be here
any minute now.

-Mama, and who is Santa Claus?
-He's the man in the store,

the one with the red suit
and the white beard

that was laughing very much.

-And does Santa know about me?
-Uh-huh.

-Is he real, like my daddy?
-[Chuckles] No, not really.

-Would you shut
the bloody organ grinder up?

-Probably French.

-Hey.
-And comes here once a year.

-What does he come for?

-They say he gives those
to children who are obedient.

-I don't think he likes me.

He has never
brought me any dollies.

-It's --
-He's just jealous.

-...not that.

Maybe you're forgetting
to ask him for dollies.

-Yeah, bull!
-And if I ask him for one now?

-Go ahead.
-Make my day.

-Perhaps he'll hear you.

We can say a prayer, dear.

-Mama, please don't cry.

-You will stain my dress.
-It's just that it's Christmas.

And Christmas always
makes me feel sad.

-You and a lot of other people.

-Mommy, what is
Christmas good for.

-Well, to remind us that Christ
was born many years ago.

-Craig?
I don't think so.

-And he was even poorer
than we are.

-Whoa.

-He was born in a bed of straw.
-Know what, Mama?

-I don't buy it.

-I already asked Santa Claus
for two pretty dollies.

If he brings me two,
I'll give one to little Jesus.

-Oh, he's got plenty
of presents already.

-Yes, my darling.

Maybe if we pray
with all of our might, hmm?

-Oh, look at that.
The roof's leaking.

I thought I spackled that.

[ "Jingle Bells"playing]

-♪ Shotgun shells,
BB's in the air ♪

-If I don't find a break
in this cloud cover,

I'm never gonna make it.

-♪ Plink, plink, plink, plink

♪ Pizzicato plink, plink

♪ Come legato in

-♪ Knick-knack, paddywhack,
give a dog a bone ♪

-While Santa steers
his sleigh towards Earth --

-Disaster awaits.

-...old devil Pitch
awaits his arrival.

Here comes Santa now.

First stop, Mexico City.

-Manure dust
overtakes the sleigh.

-Oh, Santa,
I need some stuff, man.

Just a taste.
Come on, man.

-It's freezing.

I wish I were back in Hades,
tending the furnaces.

-[Santa Laughing]

-He's heard Santa.

-Well, I hope so,
with ears like that.

-Boy, he's really hauling ass.
-And it's his.

-By Satan, there he is.

I'm committed and I'm prepared
to upset

his own merry Christmas.
Heh, heh.

-I love my work.
-We will see who wins out.

This is one night
that no one can take from me.

-He has kind of
an oily complexion.

-What 's he going to do?

-You tell us.
-Oh-ho.

He's going to push the chimney
out of place so that poor old

Santa won't be able
to enter this house.

-Well, that nut.
[Chuckling]

-I love Ron Reagan Jr.

-Hmm.

Satan, honey, no.

Ooh.
-Don't ever do that again.

[Imitates vomiting]

-♪ The Devil is a wiener

♪ Wiener, wiener, wiener

-Well, I'll park
in the ramp this time.

-Don't do that with your hands.
Don't.

[ "Jingle Bells"playing]

♪♪

-[Imitating helicopter blades
whirring]

-So this is all the toys
in the world

for all the children
in the world?

-Yep.

-Hefty, hefty, hefty.

-Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy.

-[Groaning]

This is a very difficult move
for this actor.

-You know what, Santa?
It's about 4:00 a.m.

You'd better get a rush on.

-[Groaning]

-Terpsichore.

-Whew, that was
some action sequence.

Whew.
-I'm sweating.

-He's got a Stephen King
manuscript in that bag.

-Let's hope Santa realizes
what's happened.

-[Grunting]

-Huh?.

-Well, what's happened here?
I can smell sulfur.

-Oh, sorry, that was me.
-Well, that must explain this.

That old devil
Pitch must be around here.

[Grunting]

-Jim J. Bullock is more
frightening than that devil.

-[As Jim J. Bullock]
Hi, Mr. Rush.

-Santa's determined to get in.

He'll find a way.

He's not one to give up.

-O-ho, got some plastique
in here.

Fragmentation bomb.

-Well, time for a Mai Tai.

Big one, too.

-Well, there's more than one wayto beat the Devil.

Santa will jump down
using his magic parasol.

-With a 10-point
degree of difficulty.

-Old Pitch hadn't
counted on this.

-Doh! Doh! Doh!
-He's almost green with anger.

-And it took a fly gang of 16
to lower Santa down.

-Tuck and roll, Kringle,
tuck and roll.

-I'm frustrated.

-That's good.

-[Imitating alarm sounds]

-[Imitating dog barking]

[Doorknob rattling]

-It is the witching hour,
my friend.

-Uh-oh.

These two seem to knowthat Santa's in the living room.

Look out, Santa,
they'll see you.

-[Imitates shotgun racking
and firing]

-Yeah.

Well, that's the last thing
they'll ever see.

-Why, of course.
Santa can handle this.

All he has to do is use
the magic

dreaming powders prepared
by Mr. Merlin.

-And Mr. Owsley.

-And it isn't long before
our two little stay-up-lates

are sleeping soundly
in their bed.

-Unfortunately, the powder does
have contraindications

and enduring side effects.

-♪ It's the Devil's theme

♪ He's due for a little song

♪ Even though he's
the embodiment of evil ♪

♪ He's still got a goofy song

♪ In his tights
he brings death ♪

♪ Despair, disruption,
and disease ♪

♪ Now let's all join him,
and I'll laugh along ♪

Devil.
-Now what?

Must be Pitch putting
the chimney back in place.

-Son of a --

This time, I'm putting
my patent leather shoe down --

permanently.

-Ha. This year,
I gave everyone Yahtzee.

♪♪

[Imitates vomiting]

-Ha, ha.

-Hey, pitch black.
[Laughs]

Because of the --
-It's a living.

-[Chuckling]

-[Maniacal laughter]

♪♪

-Well, the Devil doesn't
give up either.

And he seems to be quite happy

about his next plot
against Santa.

-[Chuckling] No. No.

He enjoys pantaloons
more than he should.

[Rattling]

-Hey!

-Santa is filmed on location

with the men and women
of Broward County, Florida.

-Okay. Okay, if I join
your ranks,

will you stop dancing like that?

♪♪

-Could Santa be coming
down this chimney now?

-Yes.

-Uh-oh.

He's all right,
but that was close.

-Santa, stop, drop, and roll.

-Red Adair is brought in
to extinguish the fire.

-Watch out for the backdraft.

-[Cackling]

-Am I alone in here?
Hello?

-But suddenly he thinks
of something else to do.

-More impish pranks?
Ho, ho!

-Bah, he, ho, hum.

-That's it.

He'll huff and puff
until his burning breath

turns the doorknob
and keyhole red-hot

so that the magic key won't workand Santa will burn his hands.

-What is this,
"Home Alone 3, the Quickening"?

-Metal conducts heat very well,
and Satan knows that.

-First, he'll see
if it's hot enough.

-Then he'll add the clam sauce.

-What do you think of that?
-Not much.

-But Santa sees
what Pitch is up to.

And he isn't afraid.

-I'm afraid.

-Oh, I saw his ribs.
Ick.

-This place is a piece of cake.

-♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la ♪

La-la, la-la, la-la,
la-la, la-la ♪

-♪ Oh, the bells,
oh, the jolly, jolly bells ♪

-Meanwhile, Pitch looks out
the window to watch

Santa burn his hands

He doesn't seem to know
he's right behind him.

-Ha!

-It's like having Dom DeLuise
sneaking up on you.

-Ha, ha. Let's see.

A little more Tide
and the napalm's ready.

Heh, heh.

-O-ho, a cannon.

Now it's Santa's turn
to get even with Pitch.

-Now, isn't this bringing Santa
down to Satan's level?

Mean.

-Santa's a lifetime member
of the NRA.

-Aah! Ouch! Ow!

-This is funny.
I don't care what anybody says.

-Ow! Ow! Ouch!

Aah!

-[Laughter]
-I enjoy inflicting pain.

I should call the elves.

They'd love this.

-Oh, brother.

♪♪

-[Coughing]

-Santa burns like a tire fire.

-Uh, is this
the recycling center?

-This is the Johnson house.

It's the second time
I've hit them today.

-[Straining]

Just sneak in here,
and they'll never, uh,

have any idea
that I was ever -- Waah!

-Kid, you're a great audience.
Mwah.

[ "Jingle Bells"playing]

-♪ It is to ride
in Santa's underwear ♪

-[Sniffling] I love Christmas.

-Well, let's see.

Over-sized tomato.

Stock options
from the Sharper Image.

Lug nuts.
Cable ACE award.

Oh, that's no good.
Spark plug gapper.

Hmm.

-Like it?

♪♪

-Don't you wrap
any of this stuff, Santa?

-Oof! Ho, ho.

There we go.

Merry Chri--
Oh, shh.

-Hey, kid, where's the pantry?

-I know all those toys
don't make you happy.

-So I'm taking them back.
-But I'll do something for you

that I only do for children
who are very good.

-I'll sing "Proud Mary."
-I'll let you see me as I am.

And therefore, I will use
the powders

that will make you dream
that you're awake.

-Now, this gets weird,
so I'll warn you.

You may want to leave the room.

-And you're not allergic
to anything, are you?

-And now --
-A word from our sponsor.

-...awaken while
you're dreaming.

-Summer of my German
stormtrooper.

-He's a young Barton Fink.

-Uh. Uh. Hermann Goering?
Uh, oh, no, Santa.

-Out, vile jelly.

[Jazz trumpet sounds]

-Like what you see, kid?
-I want to be a dentist.

-Hey, hey, I just shined those.
-You love me, don't you?

Say you you love me, Santa.

-♪ La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la ♪

-Of course I love you, sonny,
just as much as your parents.

-Well?

-Because no one loves a child
as much as his parents.

Only, at times, the parentsdon't understand their children,

and the children
don't understand their parents.

-Huh.
-And are you really sure

that they love me
when I'm left all alone?

-Yes, of course
they love you.

And you must believe
they love you.

And now --
-A word from our sponsors.

-...go back to sleep again.

-Phew.
I think he bought it.

Hey, quit drooling on my beard.

-It was all a sweet dream.

-Now, you just practice
your piano if you need love.

-When you awaken --
-You'll be Rick Wakeman.

-I wish you much happiness.

-And, oh, say, can I use
the can before I go?

-[Beeping]

♪♪

-All right, hold it, Kringle.

We've got the place surrounded.

Come out with your bag up.

Your reindeer have turned
themselves in.

-[Imitating floorboards
squeaking]

-Oops. No. There.
No. Oh, there we go.

All right, there.
Ahem.

-♪ That cuckoo Tannenbaum

-A pleasure to say hello to you.-Hi.

Did you leave that brat at home?-Oh, you bet.

He's such a pain.
-I know.

-Merry Christmas.
-Thank you.

-Goodbye, dear.
-Bye.

-Goodbye.
-Putz.

Never liked that guy.

-It's been a long time
since I've seen the Martins.

-Flaming Moe's!

-They're both looking pretty
well, though, aren't they?

-Uh, the steaming red fellow
at the bar sent these over.

-Oh.

-That's a strange cocktail,
isn't it?

-It's the Cocktail
of Remembrance

which only I can prepare.

Whoever drinks it will think
of that which is most dear,

and which, at times,
for some unknown reason

we seem to forget.

-Did I say, "I'm Pat,
and I'll be your waiter" yet?

-Perhaps we need a reminder.

Very possibly we've forgotten
someone we love.

-Barney.

-Love can be expressed
in many ways.

But the truest love is that
which we give

without expecting
anything in return.

-Waiter. Wai--
Waiter!

-Hey, can I get
some service over here?

Check, please.
-We really need to order.

We gotta hit a movie.

-You will become aware
of that love

which is closest to your heart.

-Oh, and keep the glass.
-They couldn't

drink this cocktail,
as it would burn their throats.

-Uh, let's just get
a bottle of wine.

-Well, since we are
very much in love...

-Why don't you bring us
the Nachos Magnificos?

-...may it always be that way.

-♪ Strange brew

[Imitates guitar]

-Uh, why is our waiter
stripping, honey?

-Now, that's strange.

-My pants tickle.
-Where'd he disappear to?

-I don't think
he was just a waiter.

-He's the night manager, too.

-He didn't seem
to be a stranger.

That kind look.

The white beard.
-The spike heels.

-I knew that face
when I was a child.

-Couldn't be.
-If his beard was white

when you were a small girl,
he'd be dead and buried by now.

-Oh, you always know
the right thing to say.

-Now, that's strange.

-I'm Adolph Margaux.

-I suddenly have an urge
to see our little boy.

-Little boy?
Oh.

-Poor Billy's always alone.

I feel that he's needing
us, too.

-Ha!
-He'll be so glad.

-Come on.

-Booze helps parents care
for their children.

-Hey, I got a dine
and dash on table seven.

-Honey, do you smell gas?

-Well, he's not playing
the piano, so he's not bored.

-Uh, you probably
don't remember us, sonny.

I-I'm your mother,
and this is your father.

-And I love what
they've done with the room.

-Well, we're off.

-Well, three houses down,
650 billion to go.

Ho, ho, ho.

-Pitch hasn't done too well
by himself against Santa,

so he's back to seek
the help of these boys

who so far are
the only ones willing

to listen
to his evil plans.

They may think it's smart
to help him now,

but they'll be sorry,

for his advice can only
get them into trouble.

-Invest in junk bonds.

-Better get over there
behind the water tank

and take the rope along.

When we spot Santa Claus, zowie,

we'll pull the rope
and knock him down.

-Got it.
That's for me.

-So Satan can only get three
little boys to follow him?

-Well, it's probably
a pyramid scheme,

so these kids get in
on the ground floor.

-I see.

-Hey, Willy, cover me!

[Imitates machine gun fire]

-Uh, the thing of it is, Bob,I got a bad feeling on this one.

I don't think I'm gonna
make it out.

-See, it works.

-Didn't I tell you?
-Oh, boy.

-Attaboy.
Santa's on his way.

-Get your head down.
Here comes Santa.

-Santa was close now.

I could feel it.

♪♪

-Waiting is the worst part.

-I can't hear you.
Ha, ha.

-Tell me you heard that bassoon.

-Incoming! Hit the hole!
Incoming!

-I'm hit, man, I'm hit.

-Oh, man! Fire in the hole!

-I'm hit!

-How can you be so dumb?

Stupid fools.

You certainly turned our plan
into a horrible mess.

-Maybe you could
support us, Stan.

-I can promise you that.

I'll make him pay dearly
for all this.

Ooh!

-You know,
I'm not going to re-up.

-That scared me.

The light almost blinded me.

That music was so loud.
-It scared me too.

What a noise.
-Whitesnake was awesome.

-Maybe Santa Claus
left something in our house.

Shall we go see?
-Yeah.

-Let's go.

[Suspenseful music]

-Fritz Reiner leads
the Chicago Symphony

in the sparkling dance of Pitch.

It's fantastic.

-Some present for our Christmas.-Santa Claus doesn't like us.

-We didn't get anything.

-Geez, I gotta spoon feed
you little brats.

[Whispering]

-Satan, could you speak up,
please?

-It's all your fault.

It was your idea.

-Don't be a sissy.
We're not complaining.

Well, anyway, it was his idea

that
we should go up on the roof.

-My idea?-The movement is disintegrating.

-I'm going to bed.

I'm tired.
-Coward!

You kicked me
when my back was turned.

-This is almost too easy.
-He's a liar.

It wasn't me.

-In that case, it was you.

And you haven't got the nerve
to say you did it.

-Nope.
-My hinder.

-That's it.
That's it.

Terrific.
Ha, ha, ha.

Ah, beat your brains out.

At least I've got them battling.

Lucifer will be very pleased.

-I really think I have a shot
at the ham this year.

-I'll beat you.
-Let me go.

-Ouch!
Ouch.

-Hey, cut it out.
-See you later.

♪♪

♪♪

-Hi, folks.
Welcome back to the Satellite.

As a special treat, Crow, Tom,
and I have written

and are going to perform
an original Christmas carol.

-Uh. Uh, Mike, it's not just
for Christmas.

It's for holidays of all faiths.

-Yeah, and don't, uh,
call it a carol

because Carol is a woman's name

and we want this song
to be all-inclusive.

-Right.
Why don't you hit it, Cambot?

There we go.

[Light music playing]

- ♪ Let us all now sing our
praises to the Lord today ♪

♪ Although you may not share
our belief system ♪

♪ Which is perfectly okay

-♪ Maybe you worship
an abstract being ♪

♪ That is kind of vague

♪ Or maybe you just worship
a guy whose name is Greg ♪

-♪ Perhaps your religion
doesn't include ♪

♪ Uh, the time called Lent

♪ But whatever your religion is,we support you 100% ♪

-♪ So sit around the fire

♪ And have a chestnut roast
-♪ Chestnut

-♪ Or raise a glass in toast

-♪ A glass in toast -♪ To "Happy Days'" Donny Most

-♪ But if you prefer
to eat Indian food ♪

♪ On Christmas Day

♪ I can only shrug
my shoulders ♪

♪ And say, "Namaste"
♪ Namaste

-♪ Personally, I prefer turkey,
gravy, and salad ♪

♪ But let's never forget
all cultures are valid ♪

-♪ So let's have peace
on Earth ♪

♪ And cut out all the bull

♪ Let's have a holiday season
that's multicultural ♪

-♪ If there's one point
we'd like to make ♪

♪ With this festive
holiday song ♪

-♪ It's that Christmas
comes just once a year ♪

♪ So for a few days
for crying out loud ♪

♪ Can we all just get along?

-Wow.
-That was actually pretty good.

-That was great.
It was lovely.

-Hey, good job.
-Very nice.

-Thank you.

♪♪

-Ooh.
-I'm filled with mirth.

-Oh, no. Mr. Pitch has decided
to steal Santa's sleigh.

-Good thing Santa uses The Club.-That's a relief.

The reindeer won't obey him.

Tough luck, Pitch.

-Yeah, wind-up reindeer
are fiercely loyal

to their masters
-Mm-hmm.

-Uh-oh, a pair of scissors.

-Don't run with them, now.
-Look out, Santa!

-Ugh.

Geez, I shouldn't eat everythingthey set out for me.

You'd think after 1,600 years,
I'd know that by now.

I'd better hit the Easy Glide.

Ugh. Oh, boy.

Ugh.

Gotta get the suspension checkedon this sled anyway.

It's starting to list
to this side.

Ugh. Oh, boy.

-Santa should, uh,
check that exhaust system.

[Coughing]

-Cat.

-Aw, nothing in
the lobster trap today.

-Santa's mounting up procedures
don't make for good cinema.

-Yeah, it's like
watching Hoss mount up.

-And get on his horse.

-Smell sulfur.

That old devil Pitch
must be around somewhere.

-Oh, my.

Mr. Merlin's magic
dreaming powders.

-Un-cut.

-Now Santa won't be able
to put anyone to sleep.

-On, my heavenly reindeer,
for there's much to be done.

[Coughing]

-Doh. Red man. Ooh.

-And there goes the
Flower to Disappear.

And now Santa won't be able
to make himself invisible.

What are you going to do now,
Santa?

-I'm going to Disney World.

-All references to Disney World

are the property of
the Walt Disney Corporation.

-I feel the need,
the need for speed.

-Suddenly, Santa corkscrews
into Ypsilanti, Michigan.

[Imitates aircraft veering]

-You can much sense
the string there, can't you?

-Let us hope the
Flower to Disappear

doesn't fall into bad hands.

-Like Jose Canseco's?
-We get him?

Huh?

-The new Vertical Takeoff
and Landing Santa Claus.

-On wings.
-Santa's got a brand new bag.

[Humming]
-Oh, this doesn't look like --

Oh, right, just gotta stop
and ask for directions.

-Oh, darn, this is
the Finkelsteins' house.

-Huh?
-Uh, fortunately, uh,

Santa took arc welding at,
uh, junior college.

-And refrigeration.

♪♪

-Meanwhile, Santa goes
on his way,

not knowing that
his dreaming powders

and Flower to Disappear
are gone.

-Santa lives in a world
of denial.

-[Jolly laughter]

-Ha. Ugh. Um, anyway.

[Laughter]

-I'm just glad
it's not Marmaduke.

-Oh, crap.

-Santa is not afraid
of that dog.

-Is that right?
-If he goes after him,

he still thinks
he can disappear.

-Oh, you don't say.

-Go get him, Dante.

Seek that old goat.

-Moms Mabley.
-Finish him off.

-How can old Pitch be so mean,

siccing a vicious dog
on Santa like that?

-Well, that is his job.
-The powders.

The Flower to Disappear.

-Oh, poopie.
-No powders?

And no Flower?
What do I do now?

-Run, Santa.
Climb the tree.

It's your only chance.

-This is definitely a major
embarrassment for Santa

and a significant setback
for his campaign.

-[Barking]
-[Laughs]

-Get out.
Go away.

Scotch. Shoo.
Get out. Ugh.

-[Whimpering]

-That certainly was
a very funny sight,

old white beard
and his sack running

as if the Devil himself
were going to take him below.

-You'll pay for your mischief.
-I've got friends, Satan.

-Hmm. But first you'll have
to come down from that tree.

And I can have a lot of funbefore you can get rid of Dante.

Because you know
what I'm going to do?

I'm going to wake up everybody.

-Faugh!
Nobody can hear your voice.

-They hear it in the form

of their own
private imagination or ideas.

-Oh, now you're
just making it up.

-Let them see
how foolish you appear.

[Laughs]

-Toodles.
-It's Rob and Laura.

-There's a prowler out there.
-I want a glass of water.

-He's come to kill your wife
and your children.

He's really quite vicious.
-Give me some covers.

-He's hiding up in your tree.

Defend yourself.

He's going to murder you.

He's going to murder you.

-I can't stress that enough.
-[Whispering]

-Is it something you can share
with the whole class,

Mr. Lucifer?

-Mr. Merlin!

-Aw.
-Oh, no.

-Ooh.
-[Shouting]

-[Tarzan yodel]

-Apparently, no one is in
Santa's magic observatory.

-They're over at
the Keebler's place.

-Time to awaken.

There's a man outside.

-His name is Tim.
He asked if I could marry him.

Hee, hee!

-Marie?

Marie, get up.
I think that we're in danger.

-What?
-Yes.

-Oh, Rob.
-Assassin?

I'm not going.
-Hurry, get out of bed.

Go after him.
-Sure, but where's the pistol?

-Where you keep it.
-In the drawer?

-In the drawer.
-Where in the drawer?

In this drawer?
-The National Rifle Association

presents this playlet
for your enjoyment.

-There it is.

Go after him.
-Come on, don't be funny.

-Me?
-Yes.

-But I -- But I --
-El Don Knottso.

[Coughing]
-With this cough,

I can't be expected to go out.

I might catch pneumonia.
[Coughing]

-Ha.
-Ah!

-Come on.
Now get up.

Pneumonia or no pneumonia,
you go.

-But Marie, understand.

Why don't you go
and get your father?

-Get my father?
-Please.

-Wait a minute.
I must put on my robe.

-At home with Carl Rowan.

-Don't waste time.
-Rose Marie!

-Hi. Can I use your phone
to call my machine?

Thank you.

-I'm, uh, ordering
a Hawaiian pizza,

because I'm Satan.
Heh, heh.

-Help, police.
Help, police.

In the tree there's an assassin.

-This guy's really
an effective facilitator.

I'd like him on my staff.
-Grandfather!

-In with the bad air,
out with the good.

-♪ Does the Devil lose
its flavor ♪

♪ On the bedpost overnight?

[Humming]

-Oh, he's made out of pumice.
-Ooh.

-There, done and done.
[Chuckles]

-Hello?
I'm looking for Amanda Hugg.

-Fire Department.

Firemen.

Firemen!

The house is burning.

I'm on fire.

-The turtle called Gamera
is about to attack the city.

-♪ Devil with the dance belt

♪ Dance belt, dance belt,
devil with the dance belt on ♪

-It's Juan, the Maytag
repairman-o.

-This is a five-alarm fire.

Better let me have that address,please, won't you?

-Don't expect anything
from Santa Claus.

He doesn't bring toys
to poor children.

-What a jerk.

-Didn't I tell you
to keep that doll?

Silly.

So now you won't have anything.

You are poor.
-Mama, Mama.

-We must rise up
against the bourgeoisie.

-Don't the poor people get
anything from Santa Claus?

-No. Now let it rest.
-No, my darling.

Santa Claus is good to all of
the children who are obedient.

-But Santa oppresses
the proletariat.

-It does not matter
if they're poor or wealthy.

To bed now, my darling.

♪♪

-Your reindeer
will turn into powder.

You will starve to death.

And I will rule the Earth.
[Laughs]

[Laughter]

-I don't get it.

[Sirens]

-[Singing in French]

-I'm in control now,
right after wee-wees.

[Humming "William Tell
Overture"]

-Ever since Walter Brennan
went camp,

it's been all downhill.

-Know how this run this thing,
old man?

Come on, get out of my way.

-Santa Claus?

Santa Claus?

It's me, Merlin.

-Merlin.

-Send me a pick me up bouquet.

-Merlin.

Where are you?

-Here, in the observatory.
-Get out of there!

-What -- What is the matter?

In Just a few minutes,
it's going to be day.

Return now.

-They've got me in a tree,
Merlin.

I dropped the
Flower to Disappear.

-Oh, good one, Santa.

-And also the powders
for dreaming.

And this beast just
won't let me come down.

-Any feedback on that?

-All this confusion has been

prepared by Mr. Pitch.

-Wait now.

-Hurry, Mr. Merlin.
Hurry.

-Why doesn't Santa give him
another leg?

-[Muttering]

-Doh, I forgot a quarter.

I'll just play some pinball
while I'm waiting here.

Ping, ping, ping.

-Where can we find Santa Claus?
-I don't know.

That's why I got you,
Mr. Wizard.

-He's already been to Asia,
Europe, and Australia.

He must be on
the American continent.

-He's Rollerblading
on Venice Beach.

-I think I see him.
He's in Mexico.

Oh, golly.

But he's in a terrible fix.

And there's no time
to go to his rescue.

-I'm old, you see.
-And the sun is about to rise.

Bad dog.

Mad dog.
-Too much Mad Dog.

That's what did it.
-Against good is bad.

Against black is white.

Against a bad itch, scratch it.

Against thirst, water.

Against mad dog --
-Snap it up, Leon Russell.

-Against mad dog --
Against mad dog --

-Never mind, it's too late.
The dog got him.

-A cat. A cat.
A cat.

-This guy trained
the king of England?

-A cat, Santa Claus, a cat.

-Please be quick, Merlin.

Now hear this.

My time is almost over.

This time it's serious.

-Against mad dog, a cat.

Use one of the toy cats
that you wind up.

-Santa's tenacious jolliness
is tested

when he's treed by a coon hound.

-I didn't know Santa
and Merlin were buddies.

-It's a mad, mad, mad, mad, mad,mad, mad, mad,

mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad,
mad, mad, mad, mad world.

-So he's gonna try
and breed the dog?

-Don't make me laugh, Santa.

-Shoo. [Laughs]

-Ha, ha, it's a Hot Wheels cat.

Let's submit this
to "Doggone Funny."

-That's a tough driveway
to negotiate there.

-Let's go now.
All together now.

Don't push me.
Don't push me.

Just a minute.
You make me nervous.

-Oh, come on, hurry up.
-I can handle this.

But don't leave me alone, huh?
-All right.

We're with you.
Come on.

-♪ Indiana wants me

♪ Lord, I can't go back there

-Where's the body?
How many are injured?

-[Gasp] Hosni Mubarak.

-They'll surely find Santa.

-Nothing in sight.
-We surely can't find Santa.

-Can't see anything.
Better look around.

-Don't push me.
Leave me alone.

Don't do that.

Hello. Hello.

Well, why don't you shoot?

-It's the last episode
of "AKA Pablo."

-Be careful.
It may be a whole gang.

But don't worry.
Try to be brave.

Be calm.
We must all be brave.

That's it, the hole.

-[Shrieking]

-Montgomery, Alabama, 1955.
-We're wet!

-Hurry.
You barely have time now.

-I still have one more friend
to visit.

I mustn't fail her.
-But --

-No "buts" about it.

First come the children.

I'll see you later, if possible.

-Well, he was here, all right.

This is definitely Santa scat.

-What happened?
Did you find anyone?

-We've looked
all over the place.

-Wow, I'm insane, huh?

-Let's make sure the fire's out.

-It's out.
-There's some smoke over there.

-Well, that serves him right,
the old troublemaker.

He'll probably catch pneumonia.

But he asked for it.
-Isn't he immortal?

What does he care
about pneumonia?

-Wait.
The Flower to Disappear

has fallen
right into Lupita's house.

-Just take my word on this.
It really happened.

-Yeah, I wanted to be
a figure skater.

I could have beat Peggy Fleming.

Could have been
on the "Sullivan Show."

Yeah, I could have had
Senor Wences' hand.

Uh, in marriage, I mean.

Yeah, I could
have been somebody.

Oh, no.

[Mumbling]

-Diarrhea is like a storm
raging outside your home.

-I think the Wallendas
are sneaking in.

-Well, bring me up, Walt.

[Snapping sound]

-Oops.
-Raus!

[Screaming in German]

♪♪

-Hi, I'm Santa for Citizens
Against Gillnets.

Oh.
-Did you find work?

-Nothing, my dear.
Nothing.

-I stayed at the bar all night
Christmas Eve,

and not even one job offer.

-Well, shall we open the gift?
Oh, never mind.

Well, I could carve the turk-
Oops, forget it.

Never mind.

♪♪

-Are we still poor?

-Mama.
I saw Santa Claus.

I'm very happy again.

He couldn't stay and talk to me
for a very long time --

-Right here on our stage,
ladies and gentlemen.

-...because his white reindeer
would turn into powder.

-You must have had
Mexican food for dinner.

-But now go back to sleep.
It is very late.

Just go ahead and think
of all those wonderful things.

-Then was I just dreaming, Mama?

Dreaming that he left me a dollyoutside in the patio?

-What? You accusing me
of not looking for a job?

-Not this one.

-But he said it was
a beautiful dolly.

-Allow me to illustrate
my point for you.

Excuse me.

New York Times?

When did we start getting
New York Timeshome delivery?

-Wow.
-Hey, that's not a doll.

That's a sister.
Whoa.

-Look it, Mommy.

It's indeed a pretty dolly?
-Put the doll down, honey.

Just back away
from it very slowly.

-Well, it's kind of
an empty miracle

with very short-lived
consequences, but --

-In the name of Santa, Merlin,
and the elves.

Amen.

-Don't cry for me, Argentina.

-Could I play
with your dolly, too?

-Hey, I could use
a little help here.

-Great, another mouth to feed.

-Know what, Mama?

Let's start a train out there --

-Let's start
a Chinese restaurant?

-...and candy.
-Okay.

-The home of Santa Claus.

He's just arriving with
his sleigh and white reindeer.

-It's a Rue McClanahan doll.
-Thank you, Santa Claus.

Goodbye, Santa Claus.

Thank you for a wonderful
and amazing Christmas.

-Oh, no, a Scud.
It's gonna nail Santa.

-And so once again,

Santa returns to his palace fromhis yearly Christmas rounds.

He is happy, gay.
-Oh.

-For once again,
he has brought joy

to the children of the world.

-Ho, ho.
Oh, I forgot France.

Oh, well.
Ho, ho, ho, ho.

-Why don't they look?

Oh.

-Blessed are they who believe,
for they shall see God.

-I didn't know it was that easy.-Peace on Earth.

Good will toward men.

-And women.
-Merry Christmas.

-Hey, it doesn't say
Merry Christmas.

Oh.
-Yeah, I suppose it does.

-Next week, Jesus
and the Oak Ridge Boys.

-Happy Holidays
from American Family Insurance.

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ I'll be home for Christmas

♪ You can --
-Hi. What's the matter, honey.

You look a little geshmudlikeit
or something.

I don't know.
-I don't know.

I guess, here I am
on the Satellite, and --

-Oh, you'll snap
out of it, Mike.

So, what's the deal?
Any more presents in here, huh?

-No, no.
Come on, Mike, open up.

I'll bet you miss Earth.

Something about the time
of year, maybe?

-Well, I'll tell you
what I miss.

You know, I miss
the change of seasons.

You know, up here
on the Satellite

it's just 365 days
of nice weather.

And that's okay, but I miss
the crisp air and, you know,

I miss putting on a sweater
and going outside.

And you know what I miss
most of all?

I-I miss the pure beauty
of a snowfall

as it piles up as
Christmas draws nigh.

-Ah.
-Hey, you guys!

You guys, look!
Look! Look! Look! Look!

-Whoa!
-Wow!

-Cambot, give me
rocket number nine.

-Wow.
-Ooh.

-It's a Christmas miracle.-Yeah, looks like a wet miracle.

And I'm not shoveling it.

-Oh.
-Good gravy, people.

Don't you realize
what this means?

We have a snow day!

-Whoo-hoo!
-That's right, a snow day!

A snow day!
A snow day!

Uh, is that good?
-Is it good?

That's the best.
-Yeah.

-Hey, mad fools, we're not gonnabe around a while.

Uh, I'm gonna put
on my space suit.

We're all going outside,

and we're gonna build
a snow fort.

-Yay!
Let's go.

-Snow fight.
-Whoo-hoo!

-Uh, Mr. Pitch?

-Pitch.
-Oh, Pitch.

Uh, I assume you know I truly,
truly admire your work.

-Great, thanks.
-More pie, man ghost?

-Oh, no, I shouldn't.
It's good, though.

-Frank, he likes your pie.

-Oh, Pitch.

Pitch.

The things you've done,
the things you've seen.

You are eternal, aren't you?

-I tell you, I can feel it
some days, too.

-[Laughs loudly]

-He can feel it, he says.
Heh, heh, heh.

-So, what's on the agenda
for old Pitch?

-Well, I'm laying low
until after the holidays.

Starting next week, though,
I engulf the world in darkness.

-Ooh.
-Ho, ho, ho, ho.

That's what you think, buster.
Ha.

I'm here to eat candy canes
and kick ass,

and I'm all out of candy canes.

Ha, ha! Come on.

-Oh, Frank, think of it.

A full-tilt battle
between pure evil

and Santy Claus in our own home.

-This is the best
Christmas ever.

-Happy holidays, everyone.

-Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Ugh!

[ "Merry Christmas -
If That's Okay"playing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Laughing]