Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 6, Episode 20 - Radar Secret Service - full transcript

{\a1\pos(96,460)}♪ In the not-too-distant
future ♪

{\a1\pos(96,460)}♪ Way down in Deep 13 ♪

{\a1\pos(180,460)}♪ Dr. Forrester
and TV's Frank ♪

{\a1\pos(180,460)}♪ Were hatching
an evil scheme ♪

{\a1\pos(138,460)}♪ They hired a temp
by the name of Mike ♪

{\a1\pos(138,460)}♪ Just a regular joe
they didn't like ♪

{\a1\pos(12,460)}♪ Their experiment needed
a good test case ♪

{\a1\pos(138,460)}♪ So they conked him
on the noggin ♪

{\a1\pos(138,460)}♪ And they shot him
into space ♪

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Get me down!

{\a1\pos(180,460)}♪ We'll send him
cheesy movies ♪

{\a1\pos(12,432)}♪ The worst we can find ♪
♪ La, la, la ♪

{\a1\pos(138,460)}♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all ♪

{\a1\pos(33,432)}♪ And we'll monitor his mind ♪
♪ La, la, la ♪

{\a1\pos(138,460)}♪ Now, keep in mind
Mike can't control ♪

{\a1\pos(96,432)}♪ Where the movies
begin or end ♪
♪ La, la, la ♪

{\a1\pos(138,460)}♪ He'll try to keep
his sanity ♪

{\a1\pos(180,460)}♪ With the help
of his robot friends ♪

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Robot roll call.

{\a1\pos(264,96)}Cambot.
Show yourself.

{\a1\pos(285,96)}Gypsy.
I'm not ready.

{\a1\pos(180,96)}Tom Servo.
Hello, there.

{\a1\pos(222,96)}Cro-o-o-o-w!
That's one "o"!

{\a1\pos(117,460)}♪ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathes ♪

{\a1\pos(54,432)}♪ And other science facts ♪
♪ La, la, la ♪

{\a1\pos(12,460)}♪ Just repeat to yourself,
"It's just a show ♪

{\a1\pos(96,460)}♪ "I should really
just relax ♪

{\a1\pos(117,460)}♪ For Mystery Science
Theater 3000!" ♪

{\a1\pos(180,432)}( whistling )
Ow! Ow!

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Hi, everyone.
Mike Nelson here,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}just giving Crow T. Robot
his regularly scheduled
maintenance check-up.

{\a1\pos(180,432)}Help me.
You know what?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I think I got to
sand your contacts.
Does that sound right?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Maybe change
your plugs and points.

{\a1\pos(201,432)}I have no idea
what I'm doing.
Please stop.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Say, Mike, maybe
you should take Crow
to a certified mechanic.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I mean this is
highly specialized work.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Well, I'd like to,
but we're stranded
in space.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Oh, yeah. Well,
then try cutting
that big blue wire.

{\a1\pos(138,432)}Oh, God.
No, no,
I think I got it.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}All I got to do
is clip this little
thingamabob over here.

{\a1\pos(138,432)}Maybe it's
this other thing here.
Yeah, try that.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Oh, jeez.
Mike, you shouldn't
have done that.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I feel funny.
Oh-- Oh, jeez! Oh!

{\a1\pos(96,460)}( wheezing laugh )
Mr. Kotter! Mr. Kotter!

{\a1\pos(180,460)}My God, man!
You've turned him
into Arnold Horshack!

{\a1\pos(264,432)}Oh, my God.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh, Mr. Kotter!

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I can walk! Oh!
( wheezing laugh )

{\a1\pos(264,460)}♪

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Oh! Oh! Oh!
( wheezing laugh )

{\a1\pos(306,460)}( gags, coughs )
Oh, thanks, Gyps.

{\a1\pos(369,460)}That's got it.
You got me back
to normal.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I don't think I could've
stood being Horshack
for another minute.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Yeah, let's face it,
a little Horshack
goes a long way.

{\a1\pos(264,432)}True, true.
Mommy! Mommy!

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Wow, guys,
it was terrible.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Mike was trying
to repair me.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}I came this close
to becoming Epstein.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I think the stress
of being trapped in space
might be getting to Mike.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}♪ Love is like a butterfly ♪
Hey, what's going on, you guys?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Oh, hi, Mike.
How are you...

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Hey, you're ripping up
my Underoos!

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Yeah, it's all part
of my ingenious
escape plan.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Tearing up all the sheets
on the Satellite of Love.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Gonna throw 'em out
and climb back down
to Earth.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Oh, that's great, Mike,
but why must my Underoos
be sacrificed?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Well, I ran out of sheets.
I had to use whatever
I could find. Sorry.

{\a1\pos(225,432)}Poor guy.
Hey, my sensible pants.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Hey, my bra!

{\a1\pos(306,460)}What do you know.
Hey, my panty ho--

{\a1\pos(369,460)}I mean,
what are those?
( chuckling )

{\a1\pos(201,460)}You know, you guys,
in my head, I know
I'm being impractical,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}but in my heart,
I had to give it a shot.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}That's really sweet, Mike.
You're an inspiration.

{\a1\pos(12,432)}Oh, I'll say.
There's just one
little thing.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}What about my Underoos?
You owe me one pair
of Underoos!

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I want my Underoos!
Panties! Panties!

{\a1\pos(180,460)}( laughing )
I got 'em!

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Hello, my Underoo-wearing,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Horshack-imitating
young friends.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Say, you remember
"rock climbing," hmm?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}And what about "deep hurting?"
Hmm? Hmm?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Well, I've come up
with a process

{\a1\pos(96,460)}that takes those concepts
one step further.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}And to help explain it,
I've enlisted the help

{\a1\pos(12,460)}of an expert,
one Dr. Felix Frankenhooker.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}( German Accent )
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

{\a1\pos(369,460)}That's enough.
That's enough.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Well, the process
that the good doctor
here referred to

{\a1\pos(264,460)}is a little thing
that we like to call

{\a1\pos(369,460)}"hypno helio
static stasis."

{\a1\pos(12,460)}So tell me, doctor,
how does

{\a1\pos(12,460)}hypno helio static
stasis work?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Well, hypno helio
static stasis

{\a1\pos(348,460)}contains... X-4,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}an extremely rare,
extremely scientific form

{\a1\pos(264,460)}of subliminal poopy.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}It can take a film like,
oh, how you say,

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Fire Maidens
of Outer Space,
slow it down,

{\a1\pos(390,460)}remove all
of the action.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Well, how does
hypno helio static
stasis differ

{\a1\pos(12,460)}from, say, deep hurt?

{\a1\pos(537,432)}Aha!
Aha!

{\a1\pos(264,460)}See for yourself.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Uh... Uh...

{\a1\pos(138,460)}( normal voice )
Maybe you should tell
Mike and the bots about...

{\a1\pos(180,460)}( German accent )
I mean, maybe you should
tell Mike and the bots

{\a1\pos(201,460)}about, how you say,
this week's experiment.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I'll be glad to.
Your movie this week

{\a1\pos(33,460)}is called
Radar Secret Service.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}In the Line of Fire,
it ain't.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}But first,
a little train wreck
of a short called

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Last Clear Chance,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}and they're both
packed chock-full

{\a1\pos(33,460)}of hypno helio
static stasis.

{\a1\pos(306,432)}Containing X-4!
( mutters )

{\a1\pos(96,432)}( chuckling )
More?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Ah, that's it.
Keep 'em coming.

{\a1\pos(12,432)}This is wrong.
( buzzer sounds )

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Oh, we got movie sign!

{\a1\pos(432,460)}( giggling )

{\a1\pos(348,460)}Weird, is all.
Weird.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Your last clear chance
for fantastic savings!

{\a1\pos(264,460)}( chuckles )

{\a1\pos(180,460)}That's what it is.

{\a1\pos(288,432)}What?
I can't look at you.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}♪ The National
Safety Council ♪

{\a1\pos(348,460)}Hmm?
( chuckles )

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Ah, Jack Kevorkian throws
a tailgating party.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Save some for me.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Oh, look.
The Pepto-Bismol car.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}"Never let this
happen to you.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}"Don't make the mistake
these people made.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Don't die."

{\a1\pos(96,124)}( imitates radio squawk )
"Uh, when lilacs last
in the dooryard bloom'd..."

{\a1\pos(117,460)}( man narrating )
I suppose I should've
gone in for a few minutes,

{\a1\pos(306,460)}but I just
couldn't do it.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Because of the tear
in the sprocket holes.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Burying someone
from a family,

{\a1\pos(159,460)}someone cut down
in the prime of life,

{\a1\pos(12,432)}Is one of the perks
of this job.
well, it's hard to take.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}I could say
good-bye from here.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Good-bye!
Oh.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Besides, I could do
more good out on the road,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}and I could keep trying
to prevent other people

{\a1\pos(138,460)}from killing themselves
in their cars,

{\a1\pos(222,432)}♪ Don't cry out loud ♪
and bringing to
other families

{\a1\pos(33,432)}like the Dixons in there,
♪ Just keep it inside ♪

{\a1\pos(138,432)}that heartbreak
that never quite heals.
Like psoriasis.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}It was hard to believe that
just a few days before,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I was being spanked
by Rod McKuen.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}the Dixon family had been
as happy and contented

{\a1\pos(138,432)}a group of people
as you'd find anywhere.
Then I showed up.

{\a1\pos(33,432)}Frank, Jr. had just
come home from college
( imitates motor racing )

{\a1\pos(33,460)}to give his dad a little help
on the farm for the summer.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Ever since the heart attack,
Dad thought he was
a basket weaver.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}He was a chip
off the old block,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}studying scientific
agriculture at school

{\a1\pos(33,460)}and getting ready
to follow in
his dad's footsteps.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}♪ Longer than
there've been stars... ♪

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Frank's girl,
Betty Hutchins,

{\a1\pos(33,432)}had been waiting
for him, of course.
Of course.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Everyone knew
they'd be getting married
before too long.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"When will we
be getting married?"
"Before too long."

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Mr. Dixon's new tractor
had just arrived

{\a1\pos(33,460)}down at the Union Pacific
freight station,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}and they all went down
to inspect it.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}You can guess there's
not much going on
in this town.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}...had just taken
his driving test
the week before.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Alan sure wanted to
drive his dad's new tractor,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}but until he actually
received a license,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Dad Dixon wasn't
letting him on the highway,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}not even
on a tractor.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}You're not ready
for the high life yet.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}These are fruits
you must not taste.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}Me?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Oh! Oh, do we dare?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}I feel so free!

{\a1\pos(432,460)}He's off
the ramp.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}The U.P. station agent
had reminded Frank

{\a1\pos(33,460)}that the 411 streamliner
was due any minute.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}And of course,
with Betty there,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}he wasn't taking
chances anyway.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}Of course, when
he's with Cindy,
he don't care!

{\a1\pos(33,460)}...that careful
all the time,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}well, a lot of people
in the cemeteries

{\a1\pos(33,432)}would be alive today.
That's all I'm saying.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Hey, my Advocate
is here!

{\a1\pos(33,460)}It was the next Monday
that Alan Dixon's

{\a1\pos(33,460)}first driver's license
arrived in the noon
mail delivery.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Boy, was he proud
of that license!

{\a1\pos(33,460)}He couldn't wait to
show it to his brother.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"My arm's caught!
Be right there!"

{\a1\pos(33,460)}...first license is
sort of a milestone.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}It means all the roads
are now open to you.

{\a1\pos(369,460)}♪ Bless this
beautiful day ♪
( vocalizing )

{\a1\pos(33,460)}...and, just
as naturally,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}wanted to make use of it
on any errand

{\a1\pos(33,460)}that his dad
or his mother
or his grandfather...

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"I danced to
Flo Ziegfeld, you know?"

{\a1\pos(33,460)}The only trouble was,
I had to choose
that moment

{\a1\pos(33,460)}to drive in
and spoil things.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"Oh, it's the heat.
Hide the stash."

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Of course, when you've
known a family as long
as I'd known the Dixons,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}they don't treat you
as a cop but as a friend.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}"I thought we were
all paid up."
"Gonna need another 50.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Real shame if something
happened to this land."

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Looks like you're gonna have
another Dixon to worry about.

{\a1\pos(180,432)}Alan got his
driver's license.
Oh, is that right?

{\a1\pos(285,460)}( goofy chuckle )
"Yeah, my license."

{\a1\pos(348,460)}You bet.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"Let me see that.
You're not
a black female."

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Well, I guess that
makes it official.
When did you get it?

{\a1\pos(264,432)}Just came today.
( goofy chuckle )

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Oh, just today, huh?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Why did I see you out driving
on Highway 30 yesterday morning?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}( gasps )

{\a1\pos(201,460)}"I have no son."

{\a1\pos(201,460)}It was my fault.
I let him take the car

{\a1\pos(12,460)}to go and see
his girl.

{\a1\pos(12,432)}I'm sorry.
MOTHER:
You shouldn't have.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Fine way to be starting
your driving career.
Violation already.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"You're spending
the night in the barn
with your crazy cousin."

{\a1\pos(264,460)}I'm sorry.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Well, it's only
a technical violation.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I didn't come here
to arrest you, Alan.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}I knew you'd be getting
that license any day now,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}and I thought this would
be a good time to come by

{\a1\pos(96,460)}and tell you a few of
the facts of life

{\a1\pos(180,460)}about driving
before you get started.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"You see, when a man
loves a car very much,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}you recline the seat back,
you take the car--"

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Now, these are
accident reports
from my headquarters.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"Officer, is this
gonna take long?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Each figure represents
someone injured or killed...

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"We got a crop
out in the field
we got to cut--

{\a1\pos(180,432)}on city streets,
farm roads,
"It's getting late.

{\a1\pos(33,432)}highways and railway crossings.
"We've got to mow that hay.
Got to get it to market.

{\a1\pos(141,432)}All the facts
and figures are here.
We lose money if we don't."

{\a1\pos(96,432)}Some of them you've
read about in the papers.
"Others we hushed up."

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Big spectacular crashes

{\a1\pos(33,432)}caused by
terrific speed
Oh. Mm.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}or drunk driving
or some other form

{\a1\pos(33,460)}of what I call
near-insanity.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Stop the near-insanity!

{\a1\pos(33,432)}But most people only
squeeze the law a little--
( siren wailing )

{\a1\pos(33,460)}at stop signs,
in restricted speed zones,
and the like.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Little violations that
most people get away with

{\a1\pos(33,460)}time after time,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}maybe getting
a ticket

{\a1\pos(33,432)}or a warning,
like Frank, Jr. did,
Iowa P.D. Blue.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}but without
getting hurt.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}But those
little violations,

{\a1\pos(264,432)}Ooh, wow!
those little chances
you take day by day,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}that's where you start
playing roulette
with your life.

{\a1\pos(33,432)}You're taking a big gamble
with your life
( groaning )

{\a1\pos(33,432)}when you violate a no passing
line on the road.
Whoa!

{\a1\pos(201,460)}"My earlobes
won't stop growing."

{\a1\pos(33,460)}You're taking
a big chance
on the car in front

{\a1\pos(33,460)}when you follow too
closely at highway speeds.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Maybe a man
will do these things
a hundred times

{\a1\pos(33,432)}in perfect safety--
Oh, the odds are
pretty good.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}squeeze the law--
and nothing happens.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}But don't forget
that other law,

{\a1\pos(33,432)}the law of averages.
"I regret nothing."

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Sooner or later,
it catches up with you.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}Oh.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Now, this accident

{\a1\pos(54,460)}was number one
for the driver involved.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}The first one
he'd ever had.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}But it was
his last one, too.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}He took one little
chance too many.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}MOTHER:
Frank is taking too many
chances in his car.

{\a1\pos(225,432)}"Mother, no."
FRANK, SR.
Oh, he'll be all right.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Won't he, Hal?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}He'll be all right
if he takes to heart

{\a1\pos(117,460)}what I told him
about signs.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Signs of Life--

{\a1\pos(12,460)}That's what stop signs
and all the other
road signs really are.

{\a1\pos(225,432)}Mm-hmm.
And missing one of them
as you drive along

{\a1\pos(12,432)}or just ignore it,
"Anybody know this guy?"

{\a1\pos(12,460)}that's one of
those little things
that kills people.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"The world made sense
an hour ago."

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Whenever there's
a hazard on the road,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}there's usually a sign
to tell you about it,

{\a1\pos(33,432)}like a curve warning
( humming tune )

{\a1\pos(33,460)}or a right of way sign,
narrow bridge,

{\a1\pos(33,432)}signals ahead,
do not enter,
I see. Mm-hmm.

{\a1\pos(180,432)}Doesn't mean a thing.
no passing,
and many others.

{\a1\pos(264,432)}"All-nude girls."
"Whites only."

{\a1\pos(33,460)}But for too many drivers
a stop sign,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}like this, for example,

{\a1\pos(204,432)}Is a target.
has no importance
unless they can see cars

{\a1\pos(33,460)}crossing the road ahead
right now.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}A school crossing sign
for some drivers

{\a1\pos(33,460)}seems to mean
little or nothing

{\a1\pos(183,432)}( imitating ducklings )
unless there are children

{\a1\pos(33,460)}actually crossing the street
at that moment.

{\a1\pos(33,432)}As for railroad crossings,
Forget 'em.

{\a1\pos(96,432)}( train horn blows )
some drivers act as if
the warning signs and tracks

{\a1\pos(33,460)}don't even exist

{\a1\pos(33,460)}unless there's
a streamliner

{\a1\pos(33,460)}passing by
right in front of them.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Dirty Mary
and Crazy Larry, no!

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Hard as it is
to believe,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}there are many accidents
where the driver ran past
three warning signs

{\a1\pos(33,460)}and straight into the side
of a moving train.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Ah, good riddance,
I say.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}...broad daylight,
but it happens

{\a1\pos(33,460)}even more often
at night.

{\a1\pos(33,432)}That's when
the warning sign,
( growls )

{\a1\pos(33,460)}the signal,
the crossbuck,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}are really
your signs of life.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"You see, son,
we all die alone
and afraid."

{\a1\pos(33,460)}The sign is still there,
but you have to be twice
as alert to see it.

{\a1\pos(33,432)}If you hadn't
seen the signs,
Boy, you haven't lived.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}this train might come
as a surprise to you.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}The Sou-oul Train!

{\a1\pos(264,460)}( deep voice )
Thank you very much,
Clarissa.

{\a1\pos(348,432)}Anytown, U.S.A.!
Traffic signs
and signals

{\a1\pos(33,460)}that are so easy
to see in the daylight

{\a1\pos(33,460)}become easier to miss
as the sun goes down.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Twilight is a dangerous
time of day

{\a1\pos(33,460)}when things are
half visible,

{\a1\pos(33,432)}half in
deepening shadow.
"Half-naked."

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Main Street at night
becomes a maze

{\a1\pos(33,460)}of lights
and neon signs,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}all competing
with one another
to catch your eye.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}So don't ever
go to the city.
It's dirty.

{\a1\pos(33,432)}But where's
the traffic signal?
In your pants.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Oh, there it is,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}almost lost against
the other lights beyond.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}God, I had some times
in this town. Anyway...

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Even the blinking red light
of the railroad wigwag

{\a1\pos(33,460)}is hard to pick out
sometimes.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Spilled my youth
like cheap gin.
Anyway...

{\a1\pos(33,460)}But night or day,
these are your
signs of life,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}whose purpose is to
keep you alive.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Even though you
don't deserve it.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}It's a strange thing,
but some people actually resent

{\a1\pos(96,432)}traffic signs
and traffic laws.
"We resent you being here."

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Cramps their style.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}They figure rules
are for the other fellow,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}not for good drivers
like themselves.

{\a1\pos(267,432)}They're communists.
Here's one like that.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Robert Bainbridge.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Bainbridge?
From Meridian High?

{\a1\pos(12,432)}Yeah.
Oh, I know him. I ran
against him on the track team.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"Well, do you
know him like this?"

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"No, no!
( screams )

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"Dear God,
who are you?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}What are you?"

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"I'm gonna go
throw myself
in the thresher."

{\a1\pos(264,460)}( sobbing )

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I'm sorry, dear.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}♪

{\a1\pos(306,432)}Yeah.
Even with sensible,

{\a1\pos(33,432)}safe-driving people
on a highway as smooth as silk,
♪ Kill the wabbit ♪

{\a1\pos(246,432)}♪ Kill the wabbit ♪
with no traffic lights
and intersections,

{\a1\pos(348,432)}Wow!
you might wonder,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}"Where is the danger
we keep talking about?"

{\a1\pos(33,432)}Well, here's one
danger-- fatigue.
Kidnapping.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}On long trips,
fatigue is a big hazard.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}You should stop
at least once every hour.

{\a1\pos(33,432)}Get out,
stretch your legs,
Take some bennies.

{\a1\pos(33,432)}get those cobwebs
out of your head.
( snorts, mutters )

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Weariness slows down
your reactions,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}and at 60 miles
an hour or better,

{\a1\pos(33,432)}you can't afford it.
( snoring, muttering )

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"My life is a lie!"
Oh, no.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}"Mm, don't love you, Martha."
( muttering )

{\a1\pos(264,432)}( gasps )
Whoops.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Now they're
Ma and Pa Topper.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}And here is still
another danger--

{\a1\pos(33,460)}lack of attention
to the road.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Sure, it's
an open highway.

{\a1\pos(33,432)}Maybe there aren't many cars.
"Yeah, and I buried
the victims right over there.

{\a1\pos(33,432)}But it only takes
two to tango.
Right there."

{\a1\pos(33,432)}Forty percent of all
expressway accidents
( imitates engine sputtering )

{\a1\pos(33,432)}involve a car that has
already stopped--
Driven by this guy.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}on the road,
partway on,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}or not
far enough off.

{\a1\pos(33,432)}This is an invitation...
"Look at that over there.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}There's more of a...
that thing."

{\a1\pos(138,460)}( tires screeching )

{\a1\pos(75,460)}( imitating Henry Kissinger )
Ac{\r}Mr. President, please
watch where you're going.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Whoa! Almost
ran over Kissinger.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}I'm gonna have to
go back.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Here is another hazard
of our superhighways

{\a1\pos(33,432)}that we patrolmen see
all too often.
Women drivers.

{\a1\pos(33,432)}Every time you have to
hit your brakes hard,
Saints cry.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}ask yourself,
why weren't you ready

{\a1\pos(33,460)}for the danger that
suddenly developed?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Forty percent of all
accidents are caused
by women's hinders.

{\a1\pos(141,432)}( trills tongue )
The first car suddenly
pulled out without looking.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}It's always sudden,
of course,

{\a1\pos(33,432)}and always surprising.
But never dull.

{\a1\pos(33,432)}A man who decides
at the last moment...
Grandma, no!

{\a1\pos(33,460)}The entering car that fails
to yield the right of way.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}The paid assassin
cruising through town.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Well, sure,
the other fellow's
often wrong,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}and if he causes a crash,
it's all his fault.

{\a1\pos(12,432)}But you may be dead
just the same.
Would you please, please leave?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}In a lot of accidents,
it's pretty hard to tell

{\a1\pos(138,460)}just who is to blame,
isn't it, Hal?

{\a1\pos(306,432)}I ask you to talk?
It's impossible
to tell sometimes.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}I want my din-din!

{\a1\pos(222,432)}...where there's never
a single doubt.
What's that?

{\a1\pos(201,432)}At a railroad crossing.
Yep.

{\a1\pos(201,432)}The train sure has
the right of way.
Yeah, whatever.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}The railroad's been here
for almost four generations.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Every farm family
in these parts
uses the railroad

{\a1\pos(96,460)}to ship their crops.

{\a1\pos(54,432)}We all like to ride the train.
I like to pretend
I'm an engineer.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}But why is it so many people
don't see the trains
at the crossings?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}It seems impossible
that anyone

{\a1\pos(33,432)}could fail to see
or hear a train in motion.
What train?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}A locomotive is
certainly big enough,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}and the train
of cars behind it

{\a1\pos(33,460)}may be as much
as a mile long.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}And yet, many people
who have lived

{\a1\pos(33,432)}through a crossing
accident will say
Aah!

{\a1\pos(33,432)}"Where did
the train come from?
That's what they'll say.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}"I never saw it

{\a1\pos(33,460)}until it was right
on top of me."

{\a1\pos(33,432)}Where did it come from?
None of your beeswax.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Well, it came
on the rails.

{\a1\pos(33,432)}It couldn't come
from anywhere else.
Duh.

{\a1\pos(33,432)}But if you paid
no attention to the signs,
I hear it.

{\a1\pos(33,432)}didn't look
and didn't listen,
Then you deserve to die.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}then for you
it came out of nowhere.

{\a1\pos(33,432)}An approaching train
starts the signal
( humming tune )

{\a1\pos(33,460)}while it is still
some distance away.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Never try to guess
how far away.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Don't guess at all.

{\a1\pos(33,432)}And don't be impatient.
And don't get
a haircut like that.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Because the train's coming,
and it can't stop.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Trains are blameless,
holy creatures.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"I have no feelings
for you!"

{\a1\pos(138,460)}"What?"
"This is a loveless
relationship! I want out!"

{\a1\pos(348,460)}"What?"
"I'm repulsed
by your touch!"

{\a1\pos(201,460)}"What?"
"Let me out right here!
I hate you!"

{\a1\pos(96,432)}( imitating crossing bell )
A signal in action
means that

{\a1\pos(33,460)}a condition
of fatal danger exists

{\a1\pos(33,460)}at this moment
at this crossing.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Maybe the last train
you waited for
was a slow freight

{\a1\pos(33,460)}that took several
minutes to cross.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}But the next one
may be a fast freight,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}high-balling to the coast
on a tight schedule.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}It has no time
to stop for you
corn-shucking crackers.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Remember that many
freight trains today

{\a1\pos(33,460)}are faster than
passenger trains
of 15 years ago.

{\a1\pos(204,432)}Oh, wow!
Many crossings have more
than one set of tracks,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}each one
a separate hazard.

{\a1\pos(33,432)}When you cross,
Floss.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}make sure
all tracks are clear.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Don't trust anyone.
Turn your back
on hope and love.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Yes, don't let
a double track
double-cross you.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Ha, ha, ha.
Little train joke.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}"Stop, look, and listen,"
the crossbuck says.

{\a1\pos(201,432)}Stop, drop, and roll.
All right, let's listen.

{\a1\pos(369,432)}Okay, now stop.
As this train
approaches,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}let's see
how close it comes
before we hear it.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}I think it would go
something... like this.

{\a1\pos(432,460)}Wait for it.

{\a1\pos(201,432)}Any moment now.
And...

{\a1\pos(285,460)}( gasps )
Oh! I'm the impish
officer of death.

{\a1\pos(33,432)}Now, where did
that train come from?
The station?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Where does any
train come from?

{\a1\pos(96,432)}It comes on
the rails, of course.
Der-hay.

{\a1\pos(180,432)}And who gets killed
at the crossing?
We all do.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Someone who's crossed
that same track

{\a1\pos(138,460)}at the same place
a thousand times before.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I'm making choo-choos
in my pants.

{\a1\pos(12,432)}One time is all it takes.
Quit kissing up!

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Send for help!
The cop won't leave!

{\a1\pos(33,460)}It's Big Daddy's birthday!
I've got life in me, Big Daddy!

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Please speak to Frank
about his driving.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}It worries me.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Okay, I will.
I'll do it tonight.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}This is the prequel
to In Cold Blood.
Clever.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I surrender, Hal.
I give up.
What's the charge?

{\a1\pos(348,460)}( laughs )
Manslaughter.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I'm just giving Alan
some free advice now that
he's a licensed driver.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Boy, I remember that advice
you gave me the other day
at the stop sign.

{\a1\pos(12,432)}You keep it in mind.
I will.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Dad, can I take the car
into town now?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Okay, Alan, go ahead.
But take it easy.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Oh, I'll be real careful.
Good-bye!

{\a1\pos(117,432)}He'll be all right.
FRANK, JR.
Look at the guy go.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Hey, maybe we'd better
go with him, make sure
he gets there all right.

{\a1\pos(390,432)}Okay. You can
buy me a soda.
Okay, fine.

{\a1\pos(96,432)}Good-bye, everybody.
Bye.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Doesn't anybody do
any chores on this farm?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}It's so funny.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}So there went Alan

{\a1\pos(33,460)}with his new
driver's license,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}and Frank and Betty
right behind

{\a1\pos(33,460)}on as nice a summer day
as you could wish for.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}It's a good day to die.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"Hi, clouds.
Hi, trees.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Say, you're
a pretty cute
road sign. Hi."

{\a1\pos(264,460)}You know, I've got
a feeling that one
of these characters

{\a1\pos(180,460)}is about to see
their own intestines.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"Hey, look,
that's my brother
in that truck.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}What are the chances
of that happening?
Hi, brother."

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"Hey, the cop never
said anything about doing

{\a1\pos(96,460)}intensely stupid things."

{\a1\pos(369,460)}Never wave
while driving.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Never look backwards
while driving forward.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Never, under any circumstances,
drive with your butt cheeks.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"My plan's working.
You will die."

{\a1\pos(348,460)}"Keep going."

{\a1\pos(306,460)}"Uh, back 'atcha."

{\a1\pos(180,460)}( horn sounding )

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"Can I have
your room?"

{\a1\pos(474,460)}Well, live
and learn.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Say, nice butt.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"Toro, toro."
Ha, ha, I'm kidding.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}"Well, I'd tuck you in,
but you're dead."

{\a1\pos(201,460)}"Gee, lady, sorry
about your boyfriend."

{\a1\pos(138,460)}"So, you want to
have a drink maybe at
the bar car over-- Oh.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}I suppose a train joke
is inappropriate."

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Sorry about that."

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"You know, son,
40% of all accidents..."

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"Oh, shut up,
will ya?"

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"Would you identify
this bucket full
of your brother?"

{\a1\pos(390,460)}Why don't they
look, Ralph?

{\a1\pos(474,460)}Tell me.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Why don't they look?

{\a1\pos(432,460)}"We're deep,
Ernie."

{\a1\pos(222,460)}No, I didn't go in.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Burying someone like
young Frank Dixon
is too hard to take.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}"Besides,
I hate to shovel."

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"Maybe I could just
slip over there
for dessert."

{\a1\pos(246,432)}My place was
out on the road.
"Nah, might look bad."

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Out on the road,
I could at least try

{\a1\pos(33,460)}to keep other people
from killing themselves
in their cars.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Oh, you're doing
a great job.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}So if the next car I stop
happens to be yours,

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"Set a place for me
at your dinner table."

{\a1\pos(33,460)}don't tell me you were
only speeding a little,

{\a1\pos(33,432)}only breaking
the law a little,
( siren wails )

{\a1\pos(33,460)}only doing something
a little bit wrong.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Save that for
somebody else, brother.

{\a1\pos(96,432)}Oh, my God, he's snapped!
Because I've seen
too many little follies

{\a1\pos(54,432)}He's a bad cop on the loose!
that end up with someone
a little bit dead.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Now I'm gonna grab
a little bit of lunch.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"Folks, we disavow
anything to do
with that officer.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}In fact, he was
fired years ago."

{\a1\pos(117,460)}"That's right. Since his
reign of terror, we've
instituted a strict policy.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"Any officer
appearing unannounced
at a farmer's house

{\a1\pos(96,460)}will be severely
reprimanded."

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Garganto-cop.

{\a1\pos(180,432)}( theme plays )
( humming along )

{\a1\pos(306,460)}♪ People are dead,
people are dying ♪

{\a1\pos(369,460)}♪ Every day ♪

{\a1\pos(180,460)}♪ They're dead,
they're dead ♪

{\a1\pos(180,460)}♪ Dead, dead,
dead, dead ♪

{\a1\pos(180,460)}♪ They're dead,
they're dead ♪

{\a1\pos(180,460)}♪ They're dead,
they're dead,
they're dead ♪

{\a1\pos(180,460)}♪ They're diddle-liddle
li-ti-dead ♪

{\a1\pos(180,460)}♪ They're diddle-liddle-
loop-de-dead, dead ♪

{\a1\pos(180,460)}( all singing along )

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Hi, I'm Trooper
Tom Servo.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I've seen it all--
stared into the gaping
maw of death--

{\a1\pos(138,460)}and I'm here to
remind you of the horror
that lurks everywhere.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}No, don't get up.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}You young people can
take things for granted,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}such as your sandwiches.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Oh, I know you're just
gonna eat that sandwich
a little bit,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}with a little bit of mayo
and a little bit
of hard salami.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}( screaming )

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Why don't they look?

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Listen, brother,
nearly 40-- uh, 40%

{\a1\pos(264,460)}of all accidents
represent, uh,

{\a1\pos(306,460)}nearly half
of all accidents.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}But who cares?
Have fun with
your lint trap.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Nothing will
happen to you.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}It'll happen to
the other guy.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}( screams )

{\a1\pos(12,432)}Why don't they--
( screams )

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Why don't they look?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Well, say, hot plates
are sure fun.

{\a1\pos(390,460)}They're boss.
They're cool.

{\a1\pos(477,432)}Until...
( screams )

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Why don't they...

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Why do I even bother
with the brainless gibbons

{\a1\pos(306,460)}who live in this
stinking hole
of a town?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Well, I wash my hands
of it, brother!

{\a1\pos(435,432)}( spits )
( gibbering )

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Wow. Little guy really
gets into his roles,
doesn't he?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Oh, hey. Wonder what
the Mads want.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}TOM SERVO:
Oh, mad scientists.
Sure, you can have

{\a1\pos(264,460)}a lot of fun
with mad scientists,

{\a1\pos(390,460)}until someone
loses an eye.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Well, now that the local
has taken effect,

{\a1\pos(75,460)}it's time for
Radar Secret Service,

{\a1\pos(54,460)}with full-blown
hypno helio static stasis.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Oh, Dr. Frankenkeister,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}in your opinion,
would you say
we're in for

{\a1\pos(12,460)}a lot of standing around?

{\a1\pos(390,460)}( laughing )

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Great slabs of driving?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Hot gobs of talking?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Oh, yes. In short,
hypno helio static stasis.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Isn't that right,
Dr. Frankenkeister?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}( bad accent )
Ja, ja. Sturm
und drang. Ja.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}( laughs, chortles )

{\a1\pos(264,460)}♪

{\a1\pos(348,460)}( humming tune )

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"You may fire
when ready,
Mr. Christian."

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Available everywhere.

{\a1\pos(516,460)}Hmm? Oh.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}( chuckles )

{\a1\pos(306,460)}That wasn't
very good.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Rss! Rss! Rss!
Rss! Rss! Rss!

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"Gary Burghoff
goes undercover."

{\a1\pos(12,460)}That'd describe his career
for the past 10 years.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Look at all
the dead cows
under that tower.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}Ahh.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}( theme plays )

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Hmm. "Adele Jergens."
Hey, did you hear about
the Jergens worker?

{\a1\pos(120,432)}No.
Fell into a vat and softened
himself to death.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}( laughing )

{\a1\pos(390,460)}That's my dad.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}"Sid Melton."
Monkey boy.

{\a1\pos(369,460)}Hey, he's back.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}So where's
the "radar" part?

{\a1\pos(180,432)}Yeah, come on.
Yeah.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}We can't wait
for radar.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}Ask us.
We like to help.

{\a1\pos(432,460)}( humming,
whistling )

{\a1\pos(180,460)}♪ Lou Asher is here ♪

{\a1\pos(117,460)}This was one of the
highest-priced spec scripts
for that time, you know.

{\a1\pos(453,432)}Really?
Yeah.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}( vocalizing )

{\a1\pos(264,460)}♪ I hear
the robins sing ♪

{\a1\pos(138,460)}"Yes, from the director
of I Accuse My Parents
and{\r} Jungle Goddess

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"comes Radar Secret Service.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Let's watch."

{\a1\pos(33,460)}MALE NARRATOR:
Radar: a magic word,

{\a1\pos(33,432)}born of a world conflict.
War is good.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Modest in its beginning,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}its only function was to warn
of the approach of an enemy.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}A mere shadow
across the screen,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}and batteries of guns
were automatically set off,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}messengers of death sent
screaming into the skies

{\a1\pos(33,432)}to fight off
the intruder.
Cool, huh?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}This was radar...
in war.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}But with the peace
came new discoveries
for this 20th century magic.

{\a1\pos(78,432)}Stupid peace.
A lurking iceberg in the path
of an unsuspecting ocean liner

{\a1\pos(33,432)}once spelled grave disaster
on the high seas.
It's a night to remember.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Now, thanks to radar,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}a warning is flashed ahead
and the danger averted.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}But can radar save
our stifling marriage?

{\a1\pos(33,460)}...vast deposits
of valuable minerals
buried deep in the earth

{\a1\pos(33,460)}through the ages
are being uncovered
continually

{\a1\pos(33,460)}with the aid
of radar.

{\a1\pos(390,460)}Radar ferrets
out clowns.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}...were so needlessly wasted
scaling mountaintops

{\a1\pos(33,460)}or crossing
desert wastelands,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}now, with the help
of radar,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}nature's innermost secrets
are being made known to man

{\a1\pos(33,460)}with a minimum
of effort.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}The future of radar?
Who can foretell it.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}This guy can't,
that's for sure.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Already, images are being
flashed across wide spaces,

{\a1\pos(33,460)}extending the range
of human vision
beyond belief.

{\a1\pos(33,432)}A prophesy of the unlimited
possibilities of radar,
Is found in the Bible.

{\a1\pos(33,432)}particularly in the field
of scientific lie detection,
( exclaiming )

{\a1\pos(33,460)}is the modest purpose
of the picture you are
about to witness.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}My life is
a hollow lie.

{\a1\pos(306,432)}Well...
Unfortunately,
with radar,

{\a1\pos(222,460)}we can now get
the Nashville Network.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Hey, Powers That Be
is on.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I'll just diddle
with the color here
a little bit.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Ah, forget it.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Let's see.
"Buy more radar."

{\a1\pos(390,460)}Take a letter,
Maria.

{\a1\pos(285,432)}Oh, good morning,
Mr. Hamilton.
Good morning, Tom.

{\a1\pos(390,432)}Nice pants.
Any report
on the supplies

{\a1\pos(12,460)}that disappeared
from the Buell Air Base?

{\a1\pos(12,432)}Our wylie beam picked up
something off the African coast.
"Wylie beam"?

{\a1\pos(285,460)}The navy moved in
and nabbed a gunman

{\a1\pos(180,460)}as he was trying
to smuggle equipment in.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Well, that's one case
we can write off.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}How about
the mineral deposits
reported in Alaska?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Got a negative reaction.
Low-grade duralite.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Well, at least
we saved them the cost
of a crew of geologists.

{\a1\pos(12,432)}( chuckles )
We saved them more than that.
( forced chuckling )

{\a1\pos(138,460)}We increased the total
fish catch in this country
by thousands of tons.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I heard about that.
How'd it happen?

{\a1\pos(369,460)}His face makes
no sense.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}One of our instruments
got a strange signal

{\a1\pos(180,432)}about 500 feet
below the surface.
Bob Vila.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Turned out to be
a large school of fish.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}We turned the information
over to one of
the fishing companies,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}and now they're talking
about installing radar
on all of their ships.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I've always maintained
there's no limit

{\a1\pos(12,432)}to the possibilities of radar.
Now, where's
the damn donut cart?

{\a1\pos(96,432)}Has Bill Travis
reported in?
Yes, sir.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}He thinks he has a lead
on the murder gun
in the Allen case.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}We'd have
an open-and-shut case

{\a1\pos(12,460)}if he could dig up that gun.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"Your attention, please.
You will love radar.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}Give yourselves
to it freely."

{\a1\pos(369,460)}( sobbing )
"Just get out.
Get out."

{\a1\pos(12,460)}"Oh, here's a lovely spot.
I'll get the picnic lunch."

{\a1\pos(12,460)}"Oh, would you look at that?
Billie Joe McAllister's
down there."

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Whoever invented
this seeing-eye gadget
sure had it in for me.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}We've been covering
this highway for 50 miles.
Not a sign of the gun.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Ah, quit griping.
If we don't find it here,
we'll quit.

{\a1\pos(33,432)}Now you're talking.
Come back tomorrow.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Look, we've got to find it.
See what's cooking.

{\a1\pos(54,432)}Oh, my aching feet.
Have you tried radar
on your feet?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"It's amazing we can
work together

{\a1\pos(96,460)}after all that's happened,
eh, Gary?"

{\a1\pos(96,432)}Hey, look.
I have water-
weight gain.

{\a1\pos(12,432)}This thing is picking up
a metallic reaction.
It could be the gun.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}We know that Allen
made his getaway
over this road.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Perfect spot
to hide a gun,
if you ask me.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Keep working that thing
and let me know when
you hit the exact spot.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Work your evil magic,
radar thingy.

{\a1\pos(222,432)}Okay, say when.
"Stella."

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Move over. More, more.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Whoa. There you are.
That's it.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}"Ted. Ted.
Ted, I'll take you
to a restroom.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}I thought you were
over that."

{\a1\pos(390,460)}"Hey, I found
Judge Crater."

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"Peace on Earth"
was all it said.

{\a1\pos(453,460)}"Blech!
Want some?"

{\a1\pos(96,460)}( fanfare plays )

{\a1\pos(348,460)}Hey, I want to
read that... Oh.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Hmm. Evidence that
Christ Himself
invented radar.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}What do you know?
Alien murder case, huh?

{\a1\pos(348,460)}Okay, you can
turn it now.
Turn it!

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Headquarters is very pleased
with the help we gave
in the Allen case.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}That's nice of them.
At least it shows

{\a1\pos(12,460)}that with the improvements
we've made in the telemeter,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}we can work hand in glove
with any branch
of the government.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}And should be a blow
to organized crime, too,

{\a1\pos(12,432)}once they realize we can
keep a check on them.
I hope so.

{\a1\pos(183,432)}Great. Super.
But there's still legwork
that can be eliminated.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}That's for me.
I don't like legwork.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}What do you expect to do?
Stay home in bed and have
radar do all the work?

{\a1\pos(222,432)}That's not a bad idea.
Look, what we need
is more equipment.

{\a1\pos(120,432)}"Stuff. Things."
A lot of what we do could be
done better by radar.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}That's only a matter of time.
After all, we're infants

{\a1\pos(96,460)}in this new field
of scientific detection.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}We must crawl
before we can walk.

{\a1\pos(267,432)}"And now I need
my binky."
Don't mention "walk."

{\a1\pos(180,460)}You can't blame me
for dreaming.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}No, not at all.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}And a lot of those dreams
have come true
in the last few years,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}like the image
we get on our screen.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}And to think that
Dick Tracy used it
before it was invented.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}And don't forget
Flash Gordon
and Buck Rogers.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}"And Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs
and Roddy McDowall

{\a1\pos(180,460)}and Raoul Wallenberg
and..."

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"Any Farm Kid, U.S.A."

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Oh, dinner at
the Homesick Restaurant.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Radar knows what
you want to order.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}How'd she get into
that waitress outfit
so fast?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Her head's
a butter sculpture.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}♪ There's a new
girl in town ♪

{\a1\pos(201,460)}♪ She's looking good! ♪

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Anything special today?

{\a1\pos(183,432)}You!
The White House surprise.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"Mm, what's your soup
du jour of the day?"

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"We're out of
Salisbury steak?"

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"Material: 10 yards
of dotted Swiss. Hmm."

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Mm, sounds interesting.
I'll order later.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"Well, I'm gonna
cash out.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Blanche will be by
to take care of you."

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"I could read that
a thousand times."

{\a1\pos(180,460)}♪ I get too hungry
for dinner at 8:00 ♪

{\a1\pos(264,460)}( humming )

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Hey, it's
the Boy Luck Club.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}( chuckles )
Well, I enjoyed it.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}( phone rings )

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"Send up some gas juice.
You know, laugh water."

{\a1\pos(285,432)}Hello.
"Yes, is
Sid Melton there?"

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Yeah. Yeah, fine.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}I'll take it
from here, honey.

{\a1\pos(180,432)}See you later.
That was Honey West.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Violet's cooked up
another job for us.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}"Hey, quit flashing
the neighbors back there."

{\a1\pos(306,460)}We'll meet here
in a couple hours.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}I'll have the layout
worked out for us.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"We need something to
drab the room up."

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I think I'll put on
the feedbag.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I wish I was in love
with a gal that worked
in a restaurant.

{\a1\pos(201,432)}Free eats.
Yep.
Aim high, Ted.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}( chuckles )

{\a1\pos(264,460)}♪

{\a1\pos(432,460)}Oh, boy.

{\a1\pos(96,432)}( coughing )
Hey, Pill Box, want to
go to lunch with me?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Oh, no, doctor's orders.
I got to take my fresh-air
deep-breathing exercises.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}I have to
hurt you now.

{\a1\pos(264,432)}You know
the window's closed.
Huh?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I said,
the window is closed.

{\a1\pos(33,432)}Oh, you got to open it?
( imitates rim shot )

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"I'm gonna go have lunch
with Morey Amsterdam."

{\a1\pos(180,460)}( clears throat )
Pardon me,
is this booth taken?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Blackie.
Gee, I'm glad
to see you.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}"Did you bring
that tip you owe me?"

{\a1\pos(264,432)}We're going on a job
this afternoon.
Yeah, I know.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}What's the matter?
Aren't you happy?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}If this pans out, we'll have
enough dough to get married
and blow this town.

{\a1\pos(12,432)}Do you mean that?
It's what I've been
telling you all the time.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}One more good job,
and we can quit
this racket.

{\a1\pos(222,432)}Looks like this is it.
I'm so happy.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"Employees must wash tongues
before returning to work."

{\a1\pos(516,460)}Wow!

{\a1\pos(306,432)}Okay.
ALL:
We're next.

{\a1\pos(117,432)}Uh, come in.
"I'll have
the French dip."

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"I'll have
the tongue sandwich,
if there's any left."

{\a1\pos(12,432)}How'd you get this?
I told you about the plant
I had at the restaurant.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}A lot of important people
eat there, and eventually
some of them talk.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}Cheetah. Mm.

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I'm beginning to wonder
how I ever got along
without you.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}And I was beginning
to wonder when you were
going to realize it.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}No, no, no!
My grandparents
are making out!

{\a1\pos(432,460)}( ringing )

{\a1\pos(99,432)}Yes?
"So, how far did you get?
That leopard thing come off?"

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Yes, I'll get on it
right away.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}"Got to go see if
my refrigerator's running."

{\a1\pos(180,432)}"Did you just call me?"
What's up?

{\a1\pos(96,432)}It's a truckload of
radioactivated U-238.
( gasping )

{\a1\pos(96,460)}It's headed for
our local atomic plant.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}U-238?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}It's highly potential
ingredient for atomic energy.

{\a1\pos(120,432)}"Or hot chocolate."
It can be used in commercial
and military use.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}It'll revolutionize
our power plant.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}We have orders
to keep it under
closest surveillance.

{\a1\pos(162,432)}"It's not better
than radar, is it?"
See if you can contact it.

{\a1\pos(180,432)}Yes, sir.
He looks like a werewolf
in mid-transition.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}Steven Tyler?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"Like Moses at the rock,
I had my first doubts
about radar that day."

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"Oh, you've got
the Radar Secret Service
screen saver."

{\a1\pos(54,460)}"You kids turn off the radar.
It's a school night."

{\a1\pos(12,460)}There it is.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Well, radar doesn't make
the world any more
interesting, does it?

{\a1\pos(33,432)}Why, it doesn't
have an escort.
It's a closely guarded secret.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}I think they're very wise
not calling attention
to the shipment.

{\a1\pos(54,432)}I still think
it's too risky.
"You don't deserve radar."

{\a1\pos(264,460)}What's his bearing?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Jeez, the government
would collapse
without this guy.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Highway 13, heading east.

{\a1\pos(138,432)}Tell him to proceed
at once to the depot.
Yes, sir.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Look, supposing Static
and I go out and keep
an eye on him just in case.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Okay. Call me when
you get to the depot.

{\a1\pos(12,432)}"And don't forget to use radar."
Notify the truck that a radar
car will meet them en route.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Yes, sir.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}This guy is one of the best
interns they've ever had.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Calling OX-2.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Boy, just imagine this
on Omnimax.

{\a1\pos(306,432)}Wow.
Ooh.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}We'll watch for them
along the road.

{\a1\pos(12,432)}I'll flash you as soon
as he picks us up.
Right.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I like that OX-2 guy.
He's real nice.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"What are you doing?
What's that thing?
What's that dial for?"

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Boy, vintage cars
were really popular
back then, huh?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}There's the tunnel.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}It should take them
about 20 minutes
to reach the "dey-po."

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Uh, "dee-po," sir.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}"Here's the tunnel. Should
take us about 20 minutes
to reach the dey-po."

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Keep in touch with them
till they get there.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Oh, you'd like that,
wouldn't you?

{\a1\pos(390,460)}OX-3.
Calling OX-3.

{\a1\pos(390,460)}Come in, OX-3.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Calling OX-3.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"That's probably for me.
It's my car."

{\a1\pos(54,432)}This is OX-3.
Go ahead.
"Hi, Huggy Bear."

{\a1\pos(12,432)}Yes. sir.
"Uh-huh. No. No way.
She showed up with him?

{\a1\pos(348,432)}Wow!"
Cut over to
Highway 13.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}( gasps )
It's the Naegele capers!

{\a1\pos(12,460)}It's certainly taking
that truck a long time
to get through that tunnel.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Make it go faster.

{\a1\pos(285,432)}Ah, wow.
Here it comes now.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}"I can see that.
I'm looking at it.
I invented radar."

{\a1\pos(285,460)}( goofy laugh )
"Tell me about
the rabbits again.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Oh, it can wait."

{\a1\pos(306,460)}( humming along
to soundtrack )

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Why is he turning off
that highway?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"Radar can't look
into their hearts, sir."

{\a1\pos(12,460)}He's disobeying orders.
Try to get through to him.

{\a1\pos(12,432)}Tell him to get back
on the highway.
Yes, sir.

{\a1\pos(138,432)}( goofy vocalization )
OX-2, come in.

{\a1\pos(243,432)}Calling OX-2.
Come in.
"You go ahead."

{\a1\pos(204,432)}It's no use. His set
must be fouled up.
"I'm gonna go on break."

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Well, we're losing him now.
He's... He's getting
out of our beam.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Send out an alert.
Notify Bill of
his change of direction.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Keep trying to get him
back on the screen.

{\a1\pos(453,460)}Yes, sir.
OX-3.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Come in, OX-3.

{\a1\pos(180,432)}"I have a name,
you know. It's Dave."
This is OX-3. Go ahead.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"The calls are coming
from inside the car!"

{\a1\pos(12,460)}"Dirt road five miles
along Highway 13."

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Okay.
Step on it.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}You're not
that funny.

{\a1\pos(285,432)}( all gasp )
Wow!

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Incredible!

{\a1\pos(222,460)}A Very Walton
Radar Christmas.

{\a1\pos(390,460)}"The Joads
Pull a Heist."

{\a1\pos(285,460)}That is a full acre
of car there.

{\a1\pos(600,460)}Yep.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}That damned Swatch.

{\a1\pos(390,460)}♪ Ride ♪

{\a1\pos(264,460)}♪ Riding like
the demon ♪

{\a1\pos(264,460)}♪ That drives
your dreams ♪

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Hardcastle
and McCormick.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"Hey, pull over.
Gotta hang out
the radar dish,

{\a1\pos(264,460)}if you know
what I mean."

{\a1\pos(201,460)}"When AAA was
controlled by the mob."

{\a1\pos(96,460)}( hysterically imitating
dramatic soundtrack )

{\a1\pos(267,432)}"Oh, you're here."
You have any trouble?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}They never knew
what hit 'em.

{\a1\pos(54,432)}You didn't
knock them off?
Of course not.

{\a1\pos(390,460)}They're just
out cold.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Well, dump 'em
and head for the barn.
I'll meet you there.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}All this to plan
a family reunion.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"Here, I'll drive.
Oh, I'm the only one."

{\a1\pos(117,460)}"Let's see.
Dead body, dead...
Where did I put that thing?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Oh, there it is."

{\a1\pos(264,460)}( imitating engine )

{\a1\pos(453,460)}"Damn you,
Duke boys!"

{\a1\pos(180,460)}( gibbering like
Roscoe P. Coltrane )

{\a1\pos(306,460)}The music
bespeaks tension,

{\a1\pos(348,460)}yet I feel
so empty.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"Chrome golf balls
on sale now."

{\a1\pos(12,432)}That must be it.
Turn in there.
"You said this wouldn't be fun."

{\a1\pos(201,460)}"Colander Warehouse.
All we do is colanders,

{\a1\pos(222,460)}and we do them right."

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"Oh, I'll carry you."

{\a1\pos(117,460)}♪ Oh, those Golden Grahams,
oh, those Golden Grahams ♪

{\a1\pos(348,460)}Only radar knows
what the hell
is going on.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}That vehicle is so close
to being an unmarked car.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}"I only do these capers
for the scenery."

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"My life is one big
to-do list."

{\a1\pos(180,432)}"The melon squad
is in hot pursuit."
Let's go, Blackie!

{\a1\pos(138,460)}It's not "Blackie,"
It's "African-Americanie."

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"Whoa! Whoa!
Okay, I'll walk!"

{\a1\pos(117,460)}"And the goiter-mobile
is there."

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"Hi. Listen,
I've got some news.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}"I came to tell you that
we were maybe gonna-- Hey!"

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Take care of the boys.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"Ah, we're done."

{\a1\pos(243,460)}How Green Was
My Radar?

{\a1\pos(306,460)}"Oh, the Johnsons
are early."

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"Oh, my atrizine
representative."
( goofy gibbering )

{\a1\pos(369,460)}You know, maybe
a parking ramp

{\a1\pos(285,460)}way out there
wasn't a good idea.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}♪

{\a1\pos(222,460)}What's the matter with
Mr. Roboto?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Nothing's the matter
with it.

{\a1\pos(12,432)}Hey! Here he comes!
♪ You don't love me ♪

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Hey, what's going on?
What is all this?

{\a1\pos(12,432)}( exclaiming )
Well, Mike, we know

{\a1\pos(96,460)}the hypno helio
static stasis might be
getting to you, so we--

{\a1\pos(12,460)}And we know that
you had to miss your
10-year high school reunion,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}so we decided to
have one for you.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Yeah. We found
your yearbook,
so we're all set

{\a1\pos(222,460)}to simulate the actual
reunion experience.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Wow, that's-that's great.
Thanks.

{\a1\pos(285,432)}I'm really excited.
That's great.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Put your nametag on,
there, Mike,
and welcome to

{\a1\pos(117,460)}the Baribou High School
class of '83 reunion

{\a1\pos(12,460)}here at the
Budget Hotel Regency Room
off County Trunk D!

{\a1\pos(12,432)}( exclaims )
Oh! Oh!

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Oh! Oh, Jeez! Oh!
Nelson? Mike Nelson?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Buddy! Nelson, man!
What's going on, man?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Man, I envy you,
Nelson.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}You made it.
You're got out of
this town, man.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}Wow!
I married Pam,

{\a1\pos(285,460)}just like everybody
said I would.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}It's okay, I guess.
Hey, I never
see you down

{\a1\pos(264,460)}at the Rendezvous
anymore, man.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}That's 'cause I don't live
around here anymore.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}Yeah, that's
probably it.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Man, I envy you,
Nelson. You made it.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}You got out
of this town, man.

{\a1\pos(12,432)}Mike?
Oh, boy.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Mike Nelson!
Remember me?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Janine.
Janine LaFond.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Right, how you doing,
Janine LaFond?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Oh, yeah, except for now,
it's Janine LaFond-Spike.
How are you?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}I'm good. It's good
to see you again.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Hey, how come you never
asked me out, huh?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I just always thought
you were totally stuck-up.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Oh, hey, I'd better
go call the sitter.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}She's got her hands full
with those nine rugrats
and everything.

{\a1\pos(12,432)}See ya!
Yeah, right.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Nine kids
in 10 year--

{\a1\pos(348,460)}Hi, Mike.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Hi, um, uh, uh, uh...

{\a1\pos(474,432)}Guess.
Um...

{\a1\pos(54,432)}Rick. How you doing, Rick?
Good to see you.
No.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}I sat three seats
behind you

{\a1\pos(201,460)}and four back in Health
and Family Living.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}It's John.
How are you, John?

{\a1\pos(393,432)}No.
Hey, everybody.
Brenda again.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Okay, here is the answer
to the trivia question.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Cindy Gannett
called her car
"Land Yacht."

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Okay. Now we're gonna
get going with the music.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}Here's Impaler!

{\a1\pos(12,460)}( exclaiming )

{\a1\pos(180,460)}It's Jim.
No, I can't, 'cause...

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I've got to get some punch,
and it's movie sign!

{\a1\pos(180,460)}( chuckling )
Oh, fun, huh?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}"Well, as long as
we're all here, let's
draw names for Christmas."

{\a1\pos(12,432)}Where's Blackie?
Squad car showed up, and I
had to get away in a hurry.

{\a1\pos(264,432)}He couldn't make it.
Do you think
they picked him up?

{\a1\pos(432,460)}Must have.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}That's a bad break for him,
but a good break for us.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}How do you
figure that?

{\a1\pos(12,432)}Won't have to cut
the melon so thin.
They've got melons.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Yeah, but suppose
they start sweating him
and he sings?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Don't worry
about him singing.
He's crazy about Marge,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}and he wouldn't want
anything to happen to her.

{\a1\pos(264,432)}Hey, Sid Melton.
I'll meet you later
at the apartment.

{\a1\pos(453,460)}Okay.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"What page do
our lines begin on?"

{\a1\pos(12,460)}They grabbed off one
of my men, but we got
the truck hidden in a barn.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}When do you want to
pick it up?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}You make it sound
so easy.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Well, what's
wrong with it?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}The radar patrol.
Where do you think
those cops came from?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}You're gonna have it
halfway across the ocean
before they get wise.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Michael is right.
They'd grab you the minute
you made a move.

{\a1\pos(12,432)}They've got
the whole town covered.
Peggy Lee runs the mob.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Looks like
I'm outnumbered
around here.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Well, what do you think
we ought to do?

{\a1\pos(120,432)}Change pants?
My first suggestion is to
get rid of that radar truck.

{\a1\pos(453,432)}Blasphemer!
He must die.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}And then what?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}I have a yacht about
six miles up the river.

{\a1\pos(54,432)}It's called Monkey Business.
That's interesting.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}You can reach it
from an old pier

{\a1\pos(12,460)}about 20 miles out of town
on the river road.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}We'll need some help
to get it aboard ship.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Just get it near that pier.
My boys will take care
of the rest.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}And then
I get paid, huh?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}What's the matter?
Don't you trust me?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}This is one of those
important moments
in any relationship.

{\a1\pos(390,460)}I'd better not
answer that.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}Look, we got it
halfway to you.

{\a1\pos(369,460)}I want half
the dough now.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"Well, here.
Dan Fogelberg tickets."

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"Got to move my condoms.
Surprised I have any left."

{\a1\pos(306,460)}We're stepping out
tonight, sugar.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}I'm sorry.
I promised Michael I'd...

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I'll pick you up
about 8:00, my dear.

{\a1\pos(33,460)}"It's not the radar,
it's the size of the amplitude,
if you know what I mean."

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"That's okay.
I don't care."

{\a1\pos(306,460)}"And never darken
my carpets again!"

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Remember me?
I'm your boyfriend,
Mickey Moran.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"Oh, that's right.
I'm terrible with names."

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I don't like the way
this deal is turning out.

{\a1\pos(54,432)}You like his money,
don't you?
Well, sure.

{\a1\pos(183,432)}What do you like
about him?
He's the contact we need.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I'm just as anxious as you
to get this job over with

{\a1\pos(12,460)}so we can all be paid off.

{\a1\pos(183,432)}Uh, he's on fire.
Your jealousy is
going to ruin everything.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Now, look, baby,
when this job is over,

{\a1\pos(285,460)}you figure on
combing lover boy
out of your hair

{\a1\pos(96,460)}with a fine-toothed comb.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"I haven't combed
my hair in 13 years.
You know that."

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Her hair is soft-serve.
They should put
that curl on it.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}"I'm not drinking.
Nope."

{\a1\pos(12,432)}You get anything
out of him?
( both exclaim )

{\a1\pos(264,460)}No, not a peep.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I'm having them
check the files
for a possible lead.

{\a1\pos(12,432)}He may have a record.
( whistles )

{\a1\pos(348,460)}"No waffles!"

{\a1\pos(33,432)}Anybody we know?
What? Who?

{\a1\pos(285,460)}No, no.
It's just a picture

{\a1\pos(222,460)}that I got out of
his little black book.

{\a1\pos(12,432)}Whose little black book?
"Bob Packwood's."

{\a1\pos(201,460)}The guy we picked up.
The fellow on the road.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Where did you get it?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}I think he dropped it.
I picked it up
off of the floor.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}You picked it up
off the floor?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"That's my wife,
you bastard."

{\a1\pos(180,432)}This may be the answer
to our problem.
What is it?

{\a1\pos(264,432)}"A coupon for yams."
Probably one
of his girlfriends.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"Can I help you?
Smoking or non?"

{\a1\pos(96,460)}We might be able to learn
a lot from her.

{\a1\pos(264,432)}"Busing tables..."
Who couldn't?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Check every restaurant
in town.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}It shouldn't be tough
running her down.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"Pretty run down
already."

{\a1\pos(264,460)}( chuckles )
But I kid.

{\a1\pos(180,432)}♪ Where are you going? ♪
♪ I don't know ♪

{\a1\pos(96,432)}♪ How you gonna get there? ♪
♪ I ain't certain ♪

{\a1\pos(180,460)}♪ All I know is that
I'm on my way ♪

{\a1\pos(306,460)}"No, sir.
I never seen her."

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Well, why don't they try
using that radar they're
always bragging about?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}"Get out of here,
you filthy little man."

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"I thought they served
fun at Shakey's."

{\a1\pos(138,460)}"That's the oddest thing
anyone's ever showed me."

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Boy, she can
really hold a smile
for a long time.

{\a1\pos(180,432)}It's a picture.
Oh.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}"The layout
of this place..."

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"Nice salad bar."

{\a1\pos(201,460)}"Look, would you just
bring me my meat loaf?"

{\a1\pos(537,460)}"Meat?"

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"I've got
a coupon here."

{\a1\pos(348,460)}"All right.
Two for one."

{\a1\pos(306,460)}"Get over there.
Stake out
the dessert tray."

{\a1\pos(201,460)}♪ Are you happy
in your work ♪

{\a1\pos(180,460)}( humming )

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"Butter. Mm."

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Those two haven't talked
in years, have they?

{\a1\pos(432,460)}They're from
the Midwest.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"We're out of everything
except orange juice."

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I know what I want.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}If it isn't on the menu,
we're not serving it.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}"Oh, aren't there specials
sometimes on the blackboard?"

{\a1\pos(96,432)}I didn't catch your name.
I didn't throw it.

{\a1\pos(57,432)}Wait here.
I'll be right back.
"Please don't eat the daisies."

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"I gotta call this order
into the kitchen."

{\a1\pos(348,460)}"Well, I have...

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"Well, I found
my dream restaurant.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"I give them two Michelin
stars for service,

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"although the duck
a l'orange was
a little tough.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Hey, I haven't
eaten yet."

{\a1\pos(306,460)}( chuckles )
"I stole
the butter mints."

{\a1\pos(180,432)}( ringing )
( humming tune )

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Yeah?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Hello, let me
speak to Blackie.
This is Marge.

{\a1\pos(222,432)}Blackie?
She's large.

{\a1\pos(180,432)}"No, it's Marge."
Oh, you mean
he's in jail.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I'll call you back later.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"I always forget he goes
to jail on Tuesdays."

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"Oh, stiffed again."

{\a1\pos(180,432)}That was Marge.
"She's large."

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Says there's a guy
at the restaurant claims
he's a friend of Blackie's.

{\a1\pos(54,432)}What'd he want?
She didn't say.
She just hung up.

{\a1\pos(264,432)}"She just hung up."
Why? Anything wrong?

{\a1\pos(288,432)}That hat.
Maybe and maybe not.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}The cops could've got
a line on us through Blackie.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}The sooner we unload
the stuff and get our dough,
the better I'll like it.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}What's this Michael guy
stalling around for, anyway?

{\a1\pos(54,460)}I don't know.
It could be business,

{\a1\pos(96,432)}and then again
it could be...
Lila.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Yeah, and I don't like it.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I'll see if I can't get
some action. Stick around.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Don't say bye
or anything.

{\a1\pos(372,432)}Hey, boss.
( all groaning )

{\a1\pos(180,124)}You going past
Thrifty's Drugstore?
You sick again?

{\a1\pos(264,96)}Oh, am I sick.
I feel terrible.

{\a1\pos(180,96)}My head hurts,
my pulse is 140, net,

{\a1\pos(180,96)}my low blood pressure
is with hypertension,

{\a1\pos(96,96)}and my temperature is
by the arrow, Fahrenheit,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}and my stomach
refuses to recognize
the rest of me.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}And you ask me,
am I sick?

{\a1\pos(12,432)}All right, what do you
want me to get you?
Bubble gum.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}( weak chuckle )

{\a1\pos(117,460)}( imitating Johnny Carson )
You know, Ed,
that was a long way

{\a1\pos(264,460)}for a little bit.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}After you get the material
out of the country,
what are you planning to do?

{\a1\pos(306,460)}"Oh, make a sarong
or a blouse.
Maybe a skirt."

{\a1\pos(12,460)}First, we haven't got
the stuff out of the country.

{\a1\pos(141,432)}Second, you ask
too many questions.
"What do you mean by that?"

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I'm sorry, Michael.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Is everything
still as we planned?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}We've talked this over
several times.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Oh, man, they did this scene
on Don Adams' Screen Test.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Moran phoned and said
they got rid of the truck.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}He ought to be here
any minute.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I don't want him
to find me here.

{\a1\pos(201,432)}Phone me as soon as
you get rid of him.
Fold you?

{\a1\pos(12,432)}( doorbell buzzes )
"Oh, it's probably that
nosy Mrs. Kravitz."

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"Welcome.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Welcome to
the House of Mafia."

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Mm. Laura Ashley.
Very homey.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Well, did you have
any trouble getting
rid of the truck?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Of course not.
If I hadn't listened
to lover boy,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}we could've unloaded
the truck at the same time
and got paid off.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}He's just as anxious
as you to get his hands
on that material.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I hope for his sake
that's all he wants
to get his hands on.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"Help yourself
to my booze."

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Where did he say
that yacht was?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}About six miles
up the river.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Tell Michael
when you see him
there'll be a small load

{\a1\pos(12,460)}on the way to his boat
in a couple of hours.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}If we get through,
we'll have the rest
there by tonight.

{\a1\pos(96,432)}Are you out of your mind?
( hysterical gibbering )

{\a1\pos(285,460)}There's no use
ruining everything.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}We didn't have any trouble
hijacking the truck
in the first place.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I still say
let Michael do the
thinking on this job.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}He's not thinking
fast enough for me.
He's stalling.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I want action.
I'm gonna get it.

{\a1\pos(369,460)}Surprise!

{\a1\pos(348,460)}Benson,
I got a problem.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}I don't remember
whether the doctor

{\a1\pos(306,460)}told me to take
five pills at 8:00

{\a1\pos(369,460)}or eight pills
at 5:00.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Why don't you play safe
and take 13?

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Oh, no.
I'm superstitious.

{\a1\pos(12,432)}( doorbell buzzing )
He's this close to
being Casey Kasem.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Thirteen pills.
I'll rattle.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}His stuff is just
over my head.
I don't know.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Sophisticated.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Hiya, boss.
You got my bubble gum?

{\a1\pos(306,460)}( all chuckling )

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Killing.

{\a1\pos(285,432)}How'd you make out?
"Used my tongue."

{\a1\pos(264,460)}We'll start moving
those carts to
the boat right away.

{\a1\pos(12,432)}What's the layout?
If we get through,

{\a1\pos(285,460)}we'll move
the rest tonight
and get paid off.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I don't know.
I think we're sticking
our necks out.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}"Sounds like they're
sticking their necks
out in there."

{\a1\pos(201,460)}"After a 14-hour shift,
I love to wear
spike heels."

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"Good morning, ma'am.
Have you ever
tried Mary Kay?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Good morning, ma'am.
I'd like to introduce you
to Mary Kay's line of--"

{\a1\pos(306,460)}"Get out of
the bushes, Josh."

{\a1\pos(390,460)}"Yeah, this
is gonna be...

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Ah, nothing means
anything to me anymore."

{\a1\pos(96,432)}What do you want?
"A poodle."

{\a1\pos(264,432)}I just left Blackie.
He's all right,
ain't he?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Sure, he's all right,
but what are you gonna
do about him?

{\a1\pos(117,432)}Benson, see that he gets
some spending money.
Sure.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Forget that.
What are you gonna do
about springing him?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Well, I suppose I could
call up my friend the D.A.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}and ask him to release him.
I need him on another job.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}She looks like one of
Donald Duck's nephews.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Listen, Margie, we'll
spring your boyfriend

{\a1\pos(12,460)}when we're ready
and not before.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Well, it'd better be soon.

{\a1\pos(33,432)}Is that a threat?
Maybe.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Well, don't try
anything foolish.
You might get hurt.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Go see Michael.
He's got all the dough.

{\a1\pos(117,432)}Come on.
"I got to go shave above
and below my mustache."

{\a1\pos(138,460)}She's kind of pillowy,
isn't she?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}"Oh, hi, guys.
How's the caper going?"

{\a1\pos(201,460)}We got to start
using both doors.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"Oh, I want them to like me.
Maybe I should just
introduce myself."

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Hey, Freddy Fender.

{\a1\pos(264,432)}"Auto" Preminger.
James Car-ville.

{\a1\pos(264,432)}Harrison Ford.
'Cause they're cars.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}There's something cooking.
They were in an awful hurry
when they drove away.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Didn't you
follow them?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}No, I got hemmed in
by a couple of cars,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}and by the time
I worked my way out,
they were gone.

{\a1\pos(264,432)}"Well, gee, Bob..."
"Howard!"

{\a1\pos(12,460)}They haven't got a chance.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}The moment
they make a move,
I'll know it.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Suppose we start cruising.
You can signal us
if anything turns up.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Right.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Doesn't he ever
leave the office?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}"You have to carry
your Hummels everywhere?"

{\a1\pos(222,460)}We're going to
head north.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Be back in a couple of hours
for another load.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Meanwhile,
you men lay low.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"I'm gonna till the back 40.
You guys start disking."

{\a1\pos(390,460)}Farming stuff,
right?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"Okay, I'll drive
to Racine,

{\a1\pos(306,460)}then you take over
after Tomah."

{\a1\pos(264,460)}You know, I grew up
in a house smaller
than that car.

{\a1\pos(432,460)}On the farm?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}♪ On the days we sweated ♪

{\a1\pos(138,460)}♪ Out on the street ♪

{\a1\pos(117,460)}♪ On a last-chance... ♪

{\a1\pos(96,460)}You know, the small
gangster farmers are just
a thing of the past.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Hey, Thelma
and Luigi.

{\a1\pos(390,460)}Oh, there goes
the knee.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}"No, I will not
kiss you for a dollar."

{\a1\pos(138,460)}As a matter of fact,
he does own the road.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"Man, I thought
Radio Shack stood
for quality."

{\a1\pos(369,460)}It stands for
"failing mall."

{\a1\pos(348,460)}That's it.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}It's that sedan
heading north,
license...

{\a1\pos(348,432)}"FOXY 1."
031768.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Send out an alert.
Then try and get
ahold of Bill.

{\a1\pos(390,460)}Yes, sir.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"Oh, good.
Back Empty Nest."

{\a1\pos(306,460)}I can't figure out
how Marge fits
into this picture.

{\a1\pos(120,432)}"Move over."
All we know for sure is that
she's Blackie's girlfriend.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I hope for her sake
she's not in
any deeper in this.

{\a1\pos(369,460)}Sure looks like
a nice kid.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}OX-3.
Calling OX-3.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}This is OX-3.
Go ahead.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"Oh, hi, chief.
What? I'm wearing
a fedora. Why?"

{\a1\pos(96,460)}River highway
heading north.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}License number
03768?

{\a1\pos(138,432)}Check.
Great license number.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}♪ Head out
on the highway ♪

{\a1\pos(117,460)}( vocalizing hokey beat )

{\a1\pos(12,460)}♪ Looking for adventure ♪

{\a1\pos(348,460)}"Duplicate shots
with radar.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Yes, thanks to radar,
we've only needed to
shoot three scenes."

{\a1\pos(348,460)}"I can't grow
a mustache."

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"That's right.
Kettledrums.
All sizes.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Kettledrums.
Get them here."

{\a1\pos(54,460)}That looks
like 'em there.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}"Uh, the Chevy with
the rice cooker on its roof
is following us again."

{\a1\pos(222,460)}♪ Oh, those
Golden Grahams ♪

{\a1\pos(180,460)}♪ Oh, those
Golden Grahams ♪

{\a1\pos(201,460)}This looks like where
they filmed a bunch of
Barnaby Jones{\r} episodes.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Speaking Barnaby Jones,
did Mr. Woodman

{\a1\pos(222,460)}ever have Kotter
as a student?

{\a1\pos(243,460)}Yeah. That's why
they called it
Welcome Back, Kotter.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Oh, that's it. Oh.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}Was Juan Epstein
Puerto Rican
or Jewish?

{\a1\pos(180,432)}He was both.
That was his whole gig.
I get it now.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}That's the whole gag
of Epstein. Come on.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Hence the name "Juan."

{\a1\pos(348,460)}"Juan Epstein."

{\a1\pos(474,460)}Hmm.
Thank you.

{\a1\pos(369,460)}You're welcome.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}You know, this movie--
biggest September
opening in history.

{\a1\pos(411,460)}Even beat out
Under Siege.

{\a1\pos(348,432)}Get out.
No, I won't.

{\a1\pos(348,432)}Get out!
No!

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Keep an eye on this thing.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}I'll see if I can
spot the men.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}All right.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}♪ Oh, those
Golden Grahams ♪

{\a1\pos(306,460)}♪ Oh, those
Golden Grahams ♪

{\a1\pos(348,460)}♪ Oh, those
Golden Grahams ♪

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"Thanks to radar,
the scene promptly ends."

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"Flash! Footage used
over and over.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}"Radar racked by scandal.
Exclusive photos of
early-morning raid.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}See the shaken radar
moments after the charges
of footage duplication."

{\a1\pos(453,432)}Cute.
Thank you.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}That really was
quite nice.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}I liked it, too.

{\a1\pos(180,432)}Quick little bit,
wasn't it?
Yeah.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}We checked on
the ownership of that car.
Stolen about a week ago.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}They'll be very leery
about moving any of that
material after this.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I don't think I'm gonna
wait for them to move.

{\a1\pos(369,460)}They called it
Moby Car.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"I see the belly
of the great white car."

{\a1\pos(12,432)}Thanks for the lift.
Is Moran up there?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I don't know,
but I'm supposed to
meet him here.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"I resent you.
Good night."

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"Man, I'm chafing
like a bear.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}These Italian bun-huggers
give me no room at all."

{\a1\pos(117,460)}"Oh, message for me.
'Top boss needs to talk...'

{\a1\pos(264,460)}I never got
this message!"

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Come in. I want
to talk to you.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"Come in?
How much more in
could I be?"

{\a1\pos(180,432)}I don't remember having
a date with you.
"I must've been drunk."

{\a1\pos(369,460)}You will.

{\a1\pos(12,432)}How'd you get
in here?
Same way you did.

{\a1\pos(225,432)}"Levitation."
Well, what do you want?

{\a1\pos(96,432)}"Same thing you want."
I'd like to ask you
a couple of questions.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}It's about that car
that was abandoned
awhile back.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}What's that got
to do with me?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}You look like
one of the boys
that got away.

{\a1\pos(54,432)}Lots of guys
look like me.
"You should see my mother."

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Sorry. You'll have to
try a new attack.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}That's a good suggestion.
Let's go down
to headquarters.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}It's a bum rap, copper.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}"I need a bigger
steering wheel."

{\a1\pos(306,432)}Mickey.
"I like your cakes.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}I mean, your desserts.
Oh, never mind."

{\a1\pos(204,432)}"Here. I've got
your coleslaw."
What are you doing here?

{\a1\pos(264,432)}I just drove up
with Benson.
Is he up there?

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Yeah.
How about Blackie?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Now, how about him?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}"Oh, outwitted again."

{\a1\pos(264,460)}♪

{\a1\pos(54,460)}Mind if I call
my attorney?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Sure.
Go right ahead.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}"Hello.
Law offices?"

{\a1\pos(267,432)}"I'm dull."
"No, I'm way duller."

{\a1\pos(348,460)}"Okay, name
my character."

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"Uh, jeez. Uh, uh--
I can't!"

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"See? Which one of us
is the good guy?"

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"I don't know,
I don't know.
Who am I?"

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Ah, the Martin and Lewis
breakup was so sad.

{\a1\pos(12,432)}( imitating Jerry Lewis )
"Oh, with the punch and the..."
"Take it there."

{\a1\pos(516,460)}"Sparky?

{\a1\pos(348,460)}Sparky, bad dog!
No!"

{\a1\pos(12,460)}He was checking up
on that car we ditched.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}They sure didn't
waste any time.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"My gun. Gimme. Mine."

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Not here.
We'll take him down
the back way.

{\a1\pos(75,460)}"Okay, let's do that
Weekend at Bernie's{\r} routine."

{\a1\pos(246,432)}( footsteps )
Let's get out of here.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}♪ Frere Jacques
dormez-- ♪ Merde!

{\a1\pos(201,460)}( screaming )
Oh, there's a dead man!

{\a1\pos(54,460)}It's all right, Myrtle.
I'll take care of it.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}Thank you!

{\a1\pos(180,460)}The director's mistress,
ladies and gentlemen.
The director's mistress.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Oh, good guy,
bad guy?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Good guy or bad guy?
I don't... which...

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"Don't say it.
I know. I'm blurry."

{\a1\pos(432,460)}( groaning )

{\a1\pos(369,460)}"Hey, where are
my fries?"

{\a1\pos(285,460)}He must've got
a bad clown burger.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}What'd you use,
a sledgehammer?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Hey, wait a minute.
I didn't do it.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}No, I don't think
you're the type.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Anyway, if you had,
you wouldn't have stuck around
to play nursemaid.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}You hurt bad?

{\a1\pos(264,432)}I'll live.
He's demonic.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Hey, wait a minute.
You're Blackie's girl,
aren't you?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}That's no crime.

{\a1\pos(330,432)}No.
"Not in a strictly
Cartesian sense."

{\a1\pos(12,460)}It's a crime the way
your friends are letting him
take the rap for them.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}I don't know what
you're talking about.

{\a1\pos(348,432)}We don't either.
Put it this way.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}With Blackie in jail,
they don't have to
cut him in on the payoff.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}You don't call that
playing it smart, do you?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}What do you want me
to do about it?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"Dress as a leopard
and sing La traviata."

{\a1\pos(12,460)}You help us,
we'll help Blackie.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Tell us who's
behind this.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"You scratch my head,
I'll wash yours."

{\a1\pos(180,460)}You mean, if I talk,
you'll release him?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I can't make any promises,
but we'll do all we can.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"I'll have to run it
by the sales manager."

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Look, if you think
your friends are
gonna be bighearted

{\a1\pos(12,460)}and help Blackie,
you're wasting your time.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Let me think it over,
I said.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Then, just when I thought
I had the situation
under control,

{\a1\pos(180,432)}the roof fell in.
"'Boom,' it went."

{\a1\pos(138,460)}When I came to, there was
Blackie's girlfriend
looking at me.

{\a1\pos(180,432)}What a wonderful way
to wake up.
Shut up.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}I tried to
get her to talk,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}even promised to go easy
on Blackie if she did.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}No soap. I think
she's softening, though.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I hope so,
for her sake.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}"Hi, sugar lumps."

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"Hi, lamby legs."

{\a1\pos(348,460)}Wasn't such
a good idea
after all.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}It's too bad
they didn't get
Mickey, too.

{\a1\pos(285,432)}Has he been around?
Not yet.

{\a1\pos(99,432)}"Good Jumble today."
I'm getting a little jittery
about the whole thing myself.

{\a1\pos(12,432)}They seem to know
every move we make.
( gasping ) Radar!

{\a1\pos(225,432)}Do you know where
to reach Moran?
He must be at the barn.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Get him on the phone
and have him come over.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I've got an idea
I think might work.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I wonder if she ever
talks into the statue
by accident.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Why don't you shut up?
I'm sick of listening to you.
Always complaining.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Why, you're probably
healthier than I am.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I can't stand it anymore.
This is the last straw.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}This joint is killing me.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I'm getting out.
I'm leaving...

{\a1\pos(117,432)}to get a drink of water.
( weak chuckling )

{\a1\pos(348,460)}Thank you, Sid.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Was it anything
important?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Lila wants to talk over
something lover boy's
dreamed up.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Why don't we turn over
the stuff to him right here

{\a1\pos(12,460)}and get the rest
of our dough?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}The longer we hold on to it,
the hotter it gets.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I tried to sell him
on that idea,
but he won't hold still.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}He wants to load it
on the yacht.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}You don't suppose he's
trying to pull a fast one
on us, do you?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Hey, that's it.
He might try to
double-cross us, huh?

{\a1\pos(285,432)}Keep your shirt on.
Yeah, please.

{\a1\pos(180,432)}I'll see what's cooking.
"Sure. Swell. Palooka.
Wise guy, huh?"

{\a1\pos(12,460)}It looks like we can't
do a thing until they move
some more of the material.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}That's right. Our beams
are all transverse
on a horizontal plane.

{\a1\pos(99,432)}"Uh, sir, your fly's..."
Anything would have to cross
in front of these beams first

{\a1\pos(306,432)}"Uh, sir, your..."
before we get
a reaction.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}But they may
hole up for months.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Look, if we put
our equipment up high,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}we can spot them
in no time, couldn't we?

{\a1\pos(201,460)}You mean fly over
the city in a plane?

{\a1\pos(264,432)}Exactly.
"No, a duck."

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Even if you could
throttle down to
a hundred miles an hour,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I'm afraid that'd be
too fast for our outfit
to pick up anything.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}It doesn't have
to be a plane.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}No, how about
a balloon?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Sure, or a blimp
or a helicopter.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Anything that'll float
right over the rooftops.

{\a1\pos(264,432)}And beam down on
the hidden material?
That's right.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}I'll get busy on it
right away.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"See? Here I am.
Busy, busy, busy."

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Get me the airfield.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Man, she must get a keg
of Cutty Sark every weekend.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Is that unusual?

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Pretty close call,
eh, Moran?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}I can't understand
how they could
spot me so quickly.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}( all whispering )
Radar! Radar!

{\a1\pos(12,460)}We can't make a move
without ringing a bell.

{\a1\pos(285,432)}That's exactly what
I have in mind.
Ding, ding, ding.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Say we move another load
of the material.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}They send out an alert,
and the chase is on.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Wait a minute.
We just tried that deal.
Didn't pan out so good.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Why don't you wait
till Michael tells you
what he has in mind.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"Oh, Michael this,
Michael that. Why don't
you just marry him?"

{\a1\pos(201,432)}I'm listening.
As I started to say,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}we load a couple
of cartons into a car

{\a1\pos(96,460)}and start it across town,

{\a1\pos(285,460)}but in the opposite
direction.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"'Budget Park and Ride.'
This is ridiculous!"

{\a1\pos(264,460)}They're on the moon.

{\a1\pos(390,432)}"Wash me."
( chuckling )

{\a1\pos(96,460)}♪ And on this farm
he had a chick ♪

{\a1\pos(96,460)}♪ The swingin'-est
chick I know ♪

{\a1\pos(390,460)}"Waldo Pepper,
you in there?"

{\a1\pos(33,432)}Get any action?
( scoffs )
In this movie?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Yeah, we're loading
the stuff right now.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Who's loading
what stuff right now?

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Quit squawking.
I'll tell you
about it later.

{\a1\pos(369,460)}Hey, Gus, Joe,
come here.

{\a1\pos(180,432)}These are
the good guys, right?
I don't know.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Get a couple small cartons
off the back and load them
in the turtleback of my car.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Okay, boss.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I bet they're pushing
counterfeit blue jeans.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}We're gonna put
some of the stuff
in the car

{\a1\pos(180,460)}to use as a decoy
to keep the radar patrol
off our tail.

{\a1\pos(201,432)}"Oh, like a duck, sir."
If we can get 'em
on our tail.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}We're not gonna
be in the car.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}We're gonna be in the truck
with the rest of the stuff

{\a1\pos(180,460)}on the way to the yacht.

{\a1\pos(369,432)}You get it?
Who is gonna
be in the car?

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"Ric Ocasek."

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"Girl Scout
cookie time."

{\a1\pos(201,460)}"Each box contains
a piece of Sid Melton."

{\a1\pos(285,460)}So where are we--
In the trunk?
We're in the thing?

{\a1\pos(348,432)}In the yacht.
They'll never be
caught... alive.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}( maniacal laughter )

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Hey, don't cut away
so fast.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"Barely room for
Mr. Hoffa in there."

{\a1\pos(180,432)}Now, here's the dope.
"Take it to
Kurt Cobain's house."

{\a1\pos(264,432)}Get him! Get him!
Might be able to...

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Just take it easy
and don't drive fast.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Get back
as fast as you can.
Key's in the car.

{\a1\pos(474,460)}Right.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}♪ This is a thing
you've never known before
It's called-- ♪ Aah!

{\a1\pos(558,432)}Hey.
Aah!

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Say, Crow and I
did a little project

{\a1\pos(180,460)}we want to do when we
get back down to Earth,
and we were wondering...

{\a1\pos(117,460)}What you got?
A little project here?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Well, bring it on in here,
you little scamps.
Let me have a look at it.

{\a1\pos(96,432)}Well, say.
It's the Quinn Martin
Nature Preserve.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}It's a place
where old Quinn Martin
character actors will go

{\a1\pos(180,460)}to roam free in their
natural habitat.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}What the hell?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Yeah. Enter
Q.M.N.P. here,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}and pay a nominal fee
to ticket taker
Anthony Zerbe.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}As you drive on,
the rolling hills
are dotted

{\a1\pos(117,460)}with the fauna
of early Quinn Martin
success, The Untouchables.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Here, Robert Stack
playfully pulls
a muskrat

{\a1\pos(12,460)}from the mouth
of fellow G-man
Jerry Paris,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}who wrestles with
alpha male Lloyd Nolan.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}As you drive on,
you might surprise,

{\a1\pos(180,460)}oh, Efram Zimbalist, Jr.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}munching contentedly
at the eucalyptus leaves

{\a1\pos(285,460)}that were planted
especially for him.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Idle your car down now,
'cause you're likely to
rile Michael Douglas

{\a1\pos(12,460)}or get between
Karl Malden
and his cubs

{\a1\pos(12,460)}( growls )
here on the Plains
of San Francisco, or...

{\a1\pos(264,432)}Can I interrupt you
right here?
Sure.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Is there gonna be
Harry O{\r} exhibit?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Well, that's
a good question,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}bHarry O{\r} has not
been classified as
a Quinn Martin production.

{\a1\pos(348,432)}Hmm. All right.
Go on.
Right.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}In the heat
of the midday sun,
many Q members

{\a1\pos(12,460)}take refuge at
the David Janssen
watering hole.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}This becomes a place
of great activity,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}and inter-series mingling
is not uncommon.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}You could see,
oh, Roy Thinnes

{\a1\pos(12,460)}picking nits
off Buddy Ebsen

{\a1\pos(12,460)}or Lee Meriwether perched
on the gargantuan back
of William Conrad.

{\a1\pos(264,432)}Oh, boy.
Wait a minute.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}There's a commotion
in the deep grass.

{\a1\pos(201,432)}It's the Quinn Martin
guest stars.
( growling )

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Bradford Dillman
is feasting on the carcass
of Pat Hingle...

{\a1\pos(222,432)}Guys. Guys.
when it's wrested
from his jaws

{\a1\pos(12,460)}and torn to shreds
by James Franciscus.

{\a1\pos(12,432)}The fur flies
until Ken Howard...
Guys, guys, guys!

{\a1\pos(96,432)}Crow! Mike! Guys!
What?

{\a1\pos(96,432)}What's happened to you?
What do you mean?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}I mean, Ken Howard,
Pat Hingle, nits?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Good Lord,
it's the helio hypno
static stasis!

{\a1\pos(138,460)}It's working on you!

{\a1\pos(180,432)}Servo, you may be right.
I am right.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}You may have something
there, Servo.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Buddy Ebsen would never
allow Roy Thinnes to pick
nits off him.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Oh, Crow!
We'll be right back

{\a1\pos(96,460)}while I deprogram
these two. Crow!

{\a1\pos(264,460)}♪

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Better? Good.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}What? A helio-copter
aerial plane.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}"Oh! Did you have to bring
your walker up here?"

{\a1\pos(117,432)}Bill standing by?
Yes, sir.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}See if you can
contact that plane.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}"Oh, sir, may I suggest
a sponge bath or something?"

{\a1\pos(180,460)}♪ On the road again ♪

{\a1\pos(264,460)}( humming tune )

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"Gee,
it was just a joke.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}I'm sure your
mother's very nice.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}I mean,
she's old, but..."

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I just got it.
This must be where

{\a1\pos(96,460)}the hypno helio static
stasis really kicks in.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}It's the detector gauge.
Some radar equipment
just crossed the beam.

{\a1\pos(96,432)}Run it down. Notify
Bill immediately.
ALL: Radar!

{\a1\pos(96,460)}That's right! Radar
makes a big return!

{\a1\pos(96,460)}We're back on track
with radar!

{\a1\pos(222,432)}I missed radar.
I love radar.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Not a wide variety
of car colors
back then.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}That's it. The limousine.
It's right on the beam.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Contact Bill and give him
the bearing of the car.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Then get hold of
the helicopter

{\a1\pos(12,460)}and tell him to keep
cruising over town.

{\a1\pos(330,432)}Yes, sir.
"And call my wife.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}She's remarried since
we last talked."

{\a1\pos(348,460)}OX-3. OX-3.
Calling OX-3.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}These are the good guys.
Feel their goodness
wash all over you.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"Huh? Hugh Jass?
Just a minute.
I'll check."

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Car heading east,
license 4M263.

{\a1\pos(453,460)}Bingo.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Check.

{\a1\pos(432,460)}What's up?

{\a1\pos(12,432)}Spotted a car with some more
of that stolen material.
Chintz.

{\a1\pos(180,432)}Sure didn't wait long
to try again.
Head for the river road.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}♪ Almost heaven,
West Virginia ♪

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Come on, sing with me!
♪ Blue Ridge Mountain ♪

{\a1\pos(306,460)}That's some right
pretty country.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}"Bobbers.
Red and white
plastic bobbers.

{\a1\pos(453,460)}They float.
Use them."

{\a1\pos(33,460)}He's gaining on them.

{\a1\pos(222,432)}"Stop that!"
What's wrong
with that wheel?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I don't know.
There's something wrong
with the steering wheel.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}It's Universal's
crazy new radar ride.

{\a1\pos(390,460)}What's wrong
with that guy?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I don't know,
but if he doesn't watch out,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}he's gonna lose control
of that car.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}"Oh, it's okay. It's okay.
Wait a minute. There."

{\a1\pos(12,432)}Do something!
I can't!

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Wow. Must be Yeltsin
driving that car.

{\a1\pos(390,460)}There he goes.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Hey, that's a Model A!
Different movie!

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"Acorn squash-- Make
a delicious winter soup."

{\a1\pos(348,460)}"Van de Graaff
generators.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Practice science
in your own home."

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"But there was
no monster."

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"What is this thing?
Am I helping at all?"

{\a1\pos(180,460)}They've had time enough.
Let's go.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"Let's synchronize
our ties."

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Either these are
tiny gangsters,
or that's a huge car.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}♪ Tiny gangster ♪

{\a1\pos(222,460)}You know, every single
scene is done...

{\a1\pos(330,432)}♪ In cars ♪
( humming "Cars" )

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"In the future,
you will drive
to work and play

{\a1\pos(33,460)}"in huge loaves of hollowed-out
bread.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Miracle Teflon
Brewer's Yeast
makes it possible."

{\a1\pos(180,460)}So it was "Boom Boom"
Washington...

{\a1\pos(96,432)}What did the "Boom Boom"
stand for?
He played bass.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}The problem is,
there was too much
radar early.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Now there's radar.
I don't care.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}These people
have no idea

{\a1\pos(222,460)}of the drama unfolding
in their backyards.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"I know."

{\a1\pos(369,460)}Ooh, God,
for a Stinger
right now.

{\a1\pos(369,460)}The drink
or the missile?

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Well, either one.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}It's a young
Hubert Humphrey
piloting.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}"I don't even know
what we're looking
for anymore!"

{\a1\pos(201,460)}OX-Q, just spotted
a truck with materials.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}It's the helicopter.
They've spotted another
load of material.

{\a1\pos(12,432)}Contact Bill
and give him the bearing.
Yes, sir.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}Oh, good.

{\a1\pos(369,460)}Let's watch
the same scene

{\a1\pos(201,460)}from a different angle.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}Keep in line
with that truck.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Oh, is this what they mean
by fall colors?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Gray and gray?

{\a1\pos(348,460)}All the leaves
are gray.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}And the sky is..

{\a1\pos(369,460)}OX-3.
Calling OX-3.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"I want to get it.
You always get it."

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Calling OX-3.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"No. Oysters, I think."

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Hal, that's fine.
I'll have them in
my hip pocket in no time.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}There's another car heading
up the river road.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}We'll notify the police
about the wreck on the way.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}Say, this may be a decoy
to throw us off the track.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Smart boy. Let's go.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"You really
think I'm smart?
Really?"

{\a1\pos(348,460)}"We now return
Riptide."

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I almost killed myself
when that was canceled.

{\a1\pos(537,460)}Really?

{\a1\pos(138,432)}This is so bad, I wish
it was Air America.
Yuck.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}"You want to buy
a house together?"

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Why not just drive
if you're gonna
fly that low?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"Hi. I'm new
to the film."

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"Beach balls.
Get your beach balls.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Throw them
back and forth
on the beach."

{\a1\pos(369,460)}"How many hats
do you own?"

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Oh, oh, they're using
the super-secret
quiet helicopter

{\a1\pos(222,460)}to sneak up on
the bad guys.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}If I'm not mistaken,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}they might have a cloaking
device on that helicopter.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"Welcome to Action Valley
Ranch."

{\a1\pos(180,460)}OX-Q. OX-Q.
Truck just turned off
into Bouquet Canyon.

{\a1\pos(264,432)}"Okay"?
Follow that truck.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}It's okay.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}It's like
they weren't even sure

{\a1\pos(96,460)}they were filming
a chase scene.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Radar makes two scenes
seem almost identical.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Hey, it's the...
♪ Friendless ranger
in the black sedan ♪

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Jeez, this movie gets up
and stretches a lot, huh?

{\a1\pos(516,460)}Sure do.

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Hang the radar in a tree
or the bears might get it.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}"I think I should take
my lobster bib off."

{\a1\pos(54,460)}You sure this is
the right spot?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I guess we're a little early.
They'll show up. Don't worry.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"Stainless steel
Swedish meatballs.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"All stainless,
all Swedish,

{\a1\pos(222,460)}all meatballs.
Get 'em here."

{\a1\pos(222,460)}It's kind of like
Radar Obvious Service.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"What kind of sealant
do you think they use
on this thing, huh?"

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"Do you ever
think about God?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}He's up there,
you know."

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"Round things.
Today we are promoting
round things.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Half off all
round things."

{\a1\pos(180,460)}So, Mike did you know
that Horshack's name

{\a1\pos(306,460)}meant, "The cattle
are dying"?

{\a1\pos(306,432)}Yes, I knew that.
You did?

{\a1\pos(474,460)}Yes.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"Attention all squirrels.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"Squirrels need
round things, too.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"Think about it.
You too, mule deer.
Round things."

{\a1\pos(180,460)}It's a flying mantis!

{\a1\pos(264,460)}♪

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"Well, hello,
Senator Johnson."

{\a1\pos(12,460)}They're in a little clearing
behind those trees.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Get around behind them
and keep us covered.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}"I just couldn't stop crying.
Oh, wait. Here they are."

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Wow, that guy's snap brim
is working overtime.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}♪ Golden Grahams ♪

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Well, I see
you made it.

{\a1\pos(264,432)}"You know Pie Face."
"Hi, Tuna."

{\a1\pos(138,460)}It's all there, all right.
How about the dough?

{\a1\pos(348,460)}♪ Oh, those
Golden Grahams ♪

{\a1\pos(390,460)}( vocalizing )

{\a1\pos(201,460)}It's all there.
Pay 'em off.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"Hee, hee, hee.
Did I surprise you?"

{\a1\pos(264,432)}You'll never get
away with this.
"Copper."

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Mike will want to
see the money.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I got news for you.
This is Michael's idea.

{\a1\pos(183,432)}A double-cross, eh?
Must we label everything?

{\a1\pos(285,460)}All right, hold it!

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"It's the triple-dog
dare double-cross dog..."

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Oh, he got shot.
What a lucky guy.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"No radar
necessary here.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Conventional warfare
does the trick."

{\a1\pos(285,460)}( imitating bullets
ricocheting )

{\a1\pos(348,460)}"I'm gonna
shoot too! Pow!"

{\a1\pos(348,460)}"Um, I-I'll
be right back.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}"Just keep shooting.
I forgot to get this thing

{\a1\pos(264,460)}that I got to get."

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Radar was also used by
the Hatfields and McCoys.
Both sides.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Ah. ( chuckles )
Now everyone surrenders
to everyone else.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}ALL:
We all have the right
to remain silent.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Have the plane
keep them in sight.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Get me his bearing.
I'll be following
in my car.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"Oh, my water
broke. Ooh."

{\a1\pos(96,460)}A daring high-speed chase
through Hugo, Minnesota!

{\a1\pos(306,460)}"We have stainless
steel truffles."

{\a1\pos(96,432)}"Do I get a lunch?"
"No."

{\a1\pos(138,432)}"Is there a movie?"
"No, there's nothing."

{\a1\pos(201,460)}"Silver almond cookies
on sale now."

{\a1\pos(138,460)}"The Hiller 460 at least
had an ashtray.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Can I smoke?"

{\a1\pos(306,460)}"Anthony Robbins,
father of five,

{\a1\pos(306,460)}"involved in
community affairs,

{\a1\pos(390,460)}flies his own
helicopter."

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Well...

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"Oh, why did I let her
pick this tie?"

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"Hey, slug bug!
Got one."

{\a1\pos(264,460)}( vocalizing
syncopated tune )

{\a1\pos(306,460)}"I had to go
pick up my brother
at the hospital,

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"drop off the guns
at Karen's house,

{\a1\pos(285,460)}and then back
to stir the sauce."

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"I can't make it
to the next rest stop.

{\a1\pos(306,460)}I've got to get
a Big Gulp."

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"Hugo, Minnesota,
encourages
business development."

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"I wish I had a dog."

{\a1\pos(180,460)}You know, fellas,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}I can just never get sick
of this shot here.

{\a1\pos(348,432)}I'm in with you.
Yeah.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}"I had
to sell the guns

{\a1\pos(348,460)}"so I could get
enough money
to buy the coke,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}"so I brought them back
to Karen's house,

{\a1\pos(306,460)}"but her mother
had to go get..."

{\a1\pos(285,460)}OX-Q. OX-Q.
Car going northeast

{\a1\pos(96,460)}over Pennsylvania Avenue.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"We're riding
to work or play
in our helicopter."

{\a1\pos(96,460)}( humming dramatic tune )

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"Well, I've got my wigs,
and I'm ready for
my stand-up act."

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Let's get out of here.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Relax.
You're nervous as a cat.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}I can't help it.
I'd feel a whole lot better

{\a1\pos(12,460)}if we were on the yacht,
miles away from Mickey.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Forget about Mickey.
He won't bother you anymore.

{\a1\pos(96,432)}My boys have taken care
of him by now.
You're wrong, brother.

{\a1\pos(432,460)}"Oh, hi!"

{\a1\pos(264,460)}It looks like
we underestimated
Mr. Moran.

{\a1\pos(54,432)}Mickey, I didn't...
Shut up.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Turn around,
face the wall.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Both of you.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"I'll hike my pants up
even further."

{\a1\pos(201,432)}"Okay, let's sing
'Somewhere Out There.'"
Why shoot me?

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"Well, you're starting
to leave little accidents
around the house."

{\a1\pos(12,96)}It was Michael
who double-crossed you.

{\a1\pos(201,96)}Be a crime to
separate you two.

{\a1\pos(264,124)}"Boy, that'd be
really rotten if
you had a gun."

{\a1\pos(201,124)}"Oh, thanks.
Right in the first
wound. Ow!"

{\a1\pos(117,460)}♪ Oh, those Golden Grahams,
oh, those Golden... ♪

{\a1\pos(138,460)}"Oh, what? Now we're never
gonna get out of here."

{\a1\pos(12,432)}Leaving without
saying goodbye?
What do you want?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Get back in
the other room so...

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Wait, I thought
that woman
was that woman.

{\a1\pos(432,432)}Yeah.
Huh?

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"Why don't you ask us
to turn around
and face the wall?

{\a1\pos(306,460)}Please?"

{\a1\pos(369,460)}"How-How-How
have you been?"

{\a1\pos(180,460)}If it's Blackie you're
worrying about, that's
been all taken care of.

{\a1\pos(285,432)}Yeah?
Sure.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}I gave Mickey
the money to spring him.
Didn't he tell you?

{\a1\pos(138,460)}No, he didn't.
When did this happen?

{\a1\pos(309,432)}"Tomorrow?"
He just left here
a little while ago.

{\a1\pos(201,460)}Said he was going
straight to the lawyer.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}"Oh, that.
I can explain that."

{\a1\pos(180,460)}You didn't let him
get very far.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}When you're through
with a boyfriend,
you're really through.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}"Toilet tank floats.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Stop your toilet
from always flowing."

{\a1\pos(96,460)}( vocalizing
Sanford and Son{\r} theme )

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"All right. I'm going
to show you just how
gullible I am."

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"I'm gonna get coffee
and a bear claw.
You want anything?"

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Give me the police.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}"Turn around
and face the wall."

{\a1\pos(159,460)}Police Department.
Hello?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}This wouldn't have happened
if she'd used AT&T.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Well, she's not
dealing with AT&T.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"No substitutions."

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"Oh, for the love of...
We just want to leave!"

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Please, shoot them all.
Just let God sort them out.

{\a1\pos(369,460)}Plot thickener.

{\a1\pos(204,432)}Hello?
Police department.
"Does it hurt when I..."

{\a1\pos(414,432)}"Ow!"
"Oh, it does."

{\a1\pos(222,460)}Police department.
Hello?

{\a1\pos(306,460)}"Hi, who are you
holding for?"

{\a1\pos(180,460)}This is Bill Travis,
radar patrol.

{\a1\pos(348,460)}Send homicide
and an ambulance

{\a1\pos(264,460)}to 416 State Street,
apartment 4.

{\a1\pos(390,432)}He ordered
more homicide?
Sure.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Hey, it's the Sunday
Radar Supplement.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}The data's in on those
Antarctic meteors.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}"We've recovered the balance
of the atomic materials.

{\a1\pos(222,460)}There might be some
floating around,
but all in all..."

{\a1\pos(12,432)}It didn't take long
to clean up that case.
"Go home!"

{\a1\pos(96,460)}But before we take any bows,

{\a1\pos(264,460)}let's remember
that if it hadn't
been for radar,

{\a1\pos(264,460)}we might never have
found them at all.

{\a1\pos(12,432)}That reminds me--
"I like radar."

{\a1\pos(12,460)}The budget for
radar patrol is
being increased.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}We'll be able to get
that extra equipment
you were talking about.

{\a1\pos(180,432)}That's good news, Chief.
"And can we take
the thing off our car?"

{\a1\pos(12,460)}How about loaning me
one of those telemeters?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}My girl has a date tonight,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}and I'd like to keep
an eye on her.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Ha, ha! You always have
the last word, Howard.

{\a1\pos(180,432)}Not enough Sid Melton
for my taste.
Oh, never enough.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}( all laughing )

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Helicopters,
dirt roads,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}people standing around
ramrod-straight...

{\a1\pos(12,460)}( laughing )

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Ah, those Mads really
thought they had us.

{\a1\pos(12,432)}Thank God
we had protection.
You said it.

{\a1\pos(180,460)}But just when
the going got tough,
the tough got goofy!

{\a1\pos(12,460)}That's right.
The Mads may have had
hypno helio static stasis,

{\a1\pos(96,460)}with all its
doomsday ramifications,

{\a1\pos(138,460)}but we-- we, gentlemen--
remembered to bring
along plenty of...

{\a1\pos(138,460)}ALL:
Ecstato-euphoro-fun!

{\a1\pos(138,460)}That's right--
ecstato-euphoro-fun,
with patented Hinder 90.

{\a1\pos(138,124)}It takes a B-movie
and turns it into
a "yippee!" movie.

{\a1\pos(12,124)}Yippee! Hey,
you know, I think
it's the Hinder 90

{\a1\pos(12,124)}that made
the helicopter sequence
so over-the-top funny!

{\a1\pos(264,460)}True, true. But it
really proved itself

{\a1\pos(96,460)}on those hard-to-get-at
scenes, like at the barn,

{\a1\pos(201,460)}or how about
the ground-in pain
of the office sequence?

{\a1\pos(117,460)}Let's just face it--
ecstato-euphoro-fun,

{\a1\pos(117,460)}with patented Hinder 90,
makes everything fun!

{\a1\pos(285,460)}BOTS:
Hooray!

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Oh, what do you think,
Pants?

{\a1\pos(180,460)}Hinder 90...

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Hey, Steve-orino.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}Just ran into
Dr. "Vatshisname"
out there.

{\a1\pos(96,460)}Seems like you're really
kicking some...

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Frank, the gig is up.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}They've got Hinder 90.

{\a1\pos(264,460)}Hinder 90? Hey!

{\a1\pos(96,460)}There's no such thing
as Hinder 90.

{\a1\pos(180,432)}Is too.
Is not.

{\a1\pos(306,432)}Is too.
Is not.

{\a1\pos(180,432)}Is not.
Is too. Hey!

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Frank, as far as
I'm concerned,

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Nelson and I are in
an all-out arms race.

{\a1\pos(12,460)}He's got Hinder 90,
and I'm behind.

{\a1\pos(285,460)}"Behind!" "Hinder!"
Get it?

{\a1\pos(12,460)}Frank, one more
crack like that...

{\a1\pos(432,460)}Cra...
( laughing )

{\a1\pos(12,460)}They don't come
any better than TV's Frank.

{\a1\pos(138,460)}( both gasp, sigh )

{\a1\pos(264,460)}♪

{\a1\pos(201,96)}( screaming )
Oh, there's a dead man!

{\a1\pos(54,96)}It's all right, Myrtle.
I'll take care of it.

{\a1\pos(348,68)}Thank you!