Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 6, Episode 18 - The Atomic Brain - full transcript

♪ IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE ♪
WAY DOWN IN DEEP 13 ♪

♪ DR. FORRESTER
AND TV'S FRANK ♪

♪ WERE HATCHING
AN EVIL SCHEME ♪

♪ THEY HIRED A TEMP
BY THE NAME OF MIKE ♪

♪ JUST A REGULAR JOE
THEY DIDN'T LIKE ♪

♪ THEIR EXPERIMENT
NEEDED A GOOD TEST CASE ♪

♪ SO THEY CONKED HIM
ON THE NOGGIN ♪

♪ AND THEY SHOT HIM INTO SPACE ♪

[MIKE] GET ME DOWN!

♪ WE'LL SEND HIM
CHEESY MOVIES ♪

- ♪ THE WORST WE CAN FIND ♪
- ♪ LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ HE'LL HAVE TO SIT
AND WATCH THEM ALL ♪

- ♪ AND WE'LL MONITOR HIS MIND ♪
- ♪ LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ NOW, KEEP IN MIND
MIKE CAN'T CONTROL ♪

- ♪ WHERE THE MOVIES BEGIN OR END ♪
- ♪ LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ HE'LL TRY
TO KEEP HIS SANITY ♪

♪ WITH THE HELP
OF HIS ROBOT FRIENDS ♪

♪ ROBOT ROLL CALL ♪

- CAMBOT!
- SHOW YOURSELF.

I'M NOT READY.

HELLO THERE.

THAT'S ONE "O".

♪ IF YOU'RE WONDERING
HOW HE EATS AND BREATHES ♪

- ♪ AND OTHER SCIENCE FACTS ♪
- ♪ LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ JUST REPEAT TO YOURSELF,
"IT'S JUST A SHOW ♪

♪ I SHOULD
REALLY JUST RELAX ♪

♪ FOR MYSTERY SCIENCE
THEATER 3000" ♪

HI, EVERYONE. WELCOME
TO THE SATELLITE OF LOVE.

I'M MIKE. AND YOU'RE JUST IN TIME

FOR THE FINAL
DRESS AND TECH REHEARSAL

FOR LOVE LETTERS,
STARTING CROW T. ROBOT...

- HELLO.
- ...AND TOM SERVO.

- HELLO.
- YOU KNOW, LOVE LETTERS

IS A LOT LIKE
SAME TIME, NEXT YEAR,

ONLY YOU DON'T HAVE TO
REMEMBER ANY LINES.

- READY, GUYS?
- YES. READY.

AND... ANYTIME.

"DEAR MELISSA,
HI, HOW ARE YOU? I AM FINE.

REMEMBER WHEN WE MET AT COLLEGE
LAST YEAR AND FELL IN LOVE?

SINCERELY, ANDREW."

"DEAR ANDREW,
I READ YOUR LETTER TODAY

AND WAS OVERCOME
WITH LOVE FOR YOU.

BY THE WAY,
I HAVE MARRIED STEVEN,

BUT WE'LL PROBABLY GROW APART.

MORE LATER, MELISSA."

"DEAR MELISSA, THAT'S OKAY.
I GOT MARRIED TOO.

BUT I TOTALLY LOVE YOU,
ANDREW."

"DEAR ANDREW,
I'M HAVING STEVEN'S BABY,

BUT I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW
THAT IT'S YOU THAT I LOVE.

TAKE CARE, MELISSA."

"DEAR MELISSA,
I TURNED MIDDLE-AGED THIS WEEK.

I'M A RICH WASP,
AND I LOVE YOU.

ALL MY BEST, ANDREW."

"DEAR ANDREW,
I'M A GRANDMOTHER NOW.

STEVEN AND I
HAVE GROWN APART.

GO FIGURE.
I DO SO LOVE YOU.

STAY WELL, MELISSA."

"DEAR MELISSA, MY CHILDREN
HAVE REPRODUCED ALSO.

OUR LOVE ENDURES
THROUGH THE YEARS, HUH?

BOY, DO YOU I LOVE YOU.
REGARDS, ANDREW."

- [CLAPPING]
- THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THAT WAS FANTASTIC.

- BRAVO AND BRAVA.
- REALLY?

I SAW STEPHANIE ZIMBALIST, JR.
AND CHRIS LEMMON DO THAT,

AND THEY DID NOT DO IT JUSTICE
COMPARED TO YOU TWO GENTLEMEN.

- SERVO THERE WAS SETTING THE LINE.
- NO, NO. IT'S CROW. CROW--

WELL, THEATER IS A GROUP THING, AND
YOU WERE ABLE TO HOLD MOMENTS--

MOMENT BY MOMENT IS WHAT
THEATER IS ALL ABOUT.

MM. YOU KNOW, SERVO, CROW,

I'M NOT JUST A FRIEND OF YOURS,
I'M A FAN.

OH, HEY, RUTH GORDON
AND GARSON KANIN ARE CALLING.

- OH.
- DON'T STOP TOUCHING ME.

UH, WE'RE NOT READY.
YOU GO FIRST.

HEY, NO PROBLEM.
OUR INVENTION IS YOU.

- I'M DR. CLAYTON FORRESTER.
- AND I'M TV'S FRANK.

- SEE?
- [SNICKERING]

CUTE. BUT I DON'T
QUITE UNDERSTAND THE--

I'M DR. CLAYTON FORRESTER,
THE ONE WITH THE WEAK CHIN.

I'M GOING TO HIT TV'S FRANK

BECAUSE OF MY DEEP RESENTMENT
AT MY OWN LIMITATIONS.

I'M TV'S FRANK,
AND I'M GOING TO TAKE IT,

BECAUSE I HAVE
NO SELF-CONFIDENCE.

- OW, OW, OW!
- [LAUGHTER]

WELL, YOU DO HAVE
KIND OF A WEAK CHIN.

FORGET THE CHIN, FRANK.
DON'T YOU SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING?

WE'RE LOSING THEIR RESPECT.
IT'S ALL ON THE LINE HERE, MAN.

WE'VE GOTTA DO SOMETHING,
AND FAST!

HEY, WE'RE JUST FUNNING YA.

SHALL I HIT YOU AGAIN,
TV'S FRANK?

- OH, PLEASE DO.
- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

OW! OH, NOT SO HARD!

ALL RIGHT, FRANK.
LET THEM HAVE IT.

[MUFFLED]
I'M TOM SERVO,

AND I'M A CUTE LITTLE GUY
WITH A ROUND HEAD.

[LAUGHING]

AND I'VE GOT THESE LITTLE
ADORABLE ARMS.

AND I'M CROW T. ROBOT,

AND I'M GOLD,
AND I'M TRAPPED IN SPACE.

WHAT A STUPID COLOR GOLD IS.
[LAUGHING]

WELL, I TRUST YOU CAN SEE

THAT TWO CAN PLAY
AT THAT GAME, NELSON.

ANYWAY, YOUR EXPERIMENT
THIS WEEK

IS CALLED THE ATOMIC BRAIN.

PLUS THERE'S A SHORT
ABOUT THE GOLDEN AGE

OF JUVENILE DELINQUENCY.
[LAUGHS]

OH, FRANK, THAT'S VERY GOOD.
YOU'VE ALMOST GOT TOM DOWN.

KEEP FLAPPING THOSE ARMS.
[LAUGHS]

UH, YOU KEEP PRACTICING.
I'LL GET THE BUTTON.

I'M DR. CLAYTON FORRESTER,
AND I'VE GOT MY HEAD STUCK--

- [ALARM BLARING]
- THE MOVIE'S STARTING!

[ALL SHOUTING]

- ♪ [DRAMATIC]
- ♪ [HUMMING]

[TOM SERVO] HEY,
SAM EAGLE PRESENTS--

HEY, IT IS.

[MIKE] "WHAT ABOUT
JUVENILE DELINQUENCY."

THAT'S A VIABLE CAREER OPTION.

SURE. YEP.

PAST PRESIDENT DISBARRED
FOR DELINQUENCY.

[TOM SERVO] AND,
OF COURSE, MUSIC BY

THE ROYAL DELINQUENT ORCHESTRA,

PHILIP GANNEL CONDUCTOR.

[MIKE] CENTRON--
THE DAWNING OF A NEW DAY.

[LAUGHS]
THE BARTON MILLNER GANG.

OH, THEY'RE SO KLANDINCTU.

HERE HE COMES.

- [MIKE] HERE'S MY DAD TO PICK US UP.
- [TOM SERVO LAUGHS]

- COME ON, GUYS. LET'S GO STUDY.
- [TOM SERVO] WHOO!

- WHERE ARE WE HEADING?
- I'LL TELL YOU WHEN WE PICK UP JAMIE.

IN OTHER WORDS, YOU DON'T KNOW.

[CROW] HMM.

[TOM SERVO] I'M SURE GLAD
WE GOT THE CAR WASHED.

[CROW LAUGHS]

[MIKE] CANNONBALL RUN.
WELL WITHIN THE SPEED LIMIT.

- WHAT'S THAT GUY WAITING FOR?
- GIVE HIM A BUMP.

[TOM SERVO] YEAH.

- GORDON JUMP.
- HIT HIM AGAIN.

AW, CUT IT OUT.
WE'LL GET IN A JAM.

- [MOCKING GIBBERISH]
- YOU THINKING OF SOMETHING?

- COME ON! MOVE IT!
- [TOM SERVO] CARS WERE MADE

TO TAKE IT BACK THEN.

WHAT DO YOU PUNKS THINK
YOU'RE DOING ANYWAY?

[MIKE] OUR MAYTAG BROKE, SIR.

WHAT WAS THAT YOU CALLED US?

I JUST BOUGHT THAT CAR.
NOW LOOK.

HE'S CHANGING INTO
THE INCREDIBLE HULK.

[MIKE] WHEN GOOD-NATURED RIBBING
GOES TOO FAR.

- [TOM SERVO] HMM.
- ♪ [UPBEAT JAZZ]

[GASPS]
THEY FLATTENED HIM! OH!

OH. WHOO.

OH, WILLARD SCOTT,
I'LL GENTLY POLISH YOU.

BZZ. WHOO.

[MIKE] I HAVE JUST ENOUGH TIME
TO GET INTO MY BO PEEP OUTFIT.

- ♪ [CONTINUES]
- WHAT, DOES SHE LIVE AT SHAKEY'S?

[TOM SERVO] OH, MOM,
DUSTING IS SO BOURGEOIS.

DO YOU HAVE ANY HOMEWORK, JAMIE?

- AND QUIT PLAYING THAT RAGTIME.
- I TOLD YOU, NO.

I'M GOING OUT AS SOON AS THE GUYS
COME BY AND GET ME.

- [MIKE] GROOVIN' J.D. HAIR.
- WHAT TIME IS IT?

- IT'S ALREADY AFTER 8:00.
- WHOO!

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU CAN'T
STAY HOME FOR ONE EVENING.

[TOM SERVO] MA,
I CAN SEE UP YOUR DRESS.

YOUR FATHER WILL BE HOME IN A
LITTLE BIT.

HE SHOULD BE HOME NOW.

JUST WHERE IS IT YOU'RE GOING,
JAMIE?

- CRACK HOUSE. WHY?
- IF I KNEW, I'D TELL YOU.

- I DON'T KNOW.
- [MIKE] DON'T KILL YOUR FATHER.

[TOM SERVO] WELL, AT LEAST
MY DRESS MATCHES THE WALLPAPER.

HUH?

OOH, ALL THE DARK TEENS.

[TOM SERVO] ♪ DARKNESS, DARKNESS ♪

[MUTTERING]

A DRY CLEANER!

[MIKE] ONE HOUR, GUYS.
LET'S MARTINIZE.

USE THE DOORS, PLEASE. YOU START
OUT NOT USING THE DOORS,

NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE BEATING UP GORDON JUMP.

[ALL CHANTING]
NORM! NORM! NORM!

- NORM! NORM!
- [LAUGHTER]

- ALL RIGHT! BRIDGE CLUB!
- WHOO!

WHAT'LL YOU HAVE, BOYS? I'LL WRITE
YOUR ORDERS WITH MY NEW PENCIL.

HEY, THOSE ARE GREAT.

MY DAD'S GOT ONE JUST LIKE IT.
WHERE'D YOU GET IT?

[LAUGHS]
SHOP 'N SAVE.

WE JUST SWARMED ALL OVER A GUY.
FELL OUT OF HIS POCKET.

- WHAT? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?
- JUST BEFORE WE PICKED YOU UP.

WE BUMPED SOME GUY IN A BIG BUICK,

AND HE GETS OUT
AND STARTS GETTING SMART.

- DUH, SMART, YEAH.
- BOY, DID WE GIVE IT TO HIM.

WE SURE MESSED HIM UP.
YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN THERE, JAMIE.

- WHO WAS HE?
- I DON'T KNOW.

SOME BIG BALD-HEADED GUY.

DO YOU SMELL ONIONS?

WHAT KIND OF A CAR
DID YOU SAY IT WAS?

- OH, IT WAS A--
- [TOM SERVO] UH, THE FORDILLAC.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

I ASKED YOU WHAT KIND
OF A CAR IT WAS.

I WANNA KNOW.

IT WAS A YELLOW BUICK.
WHY?

[MIKE] JUST TRYING TO DRAW YOU OUT.
YOU WANT SOME FRIES?

A FISHER SPACE PEN.

WHAT DO YOU WANNA
KNOW FOR, JAMIE?

[MIKE] WHERE'S THE LITTLE
DELINQUENTS' ROOM?

GET THIS THING OFF ME!
[GRUNTING]

[HUFFS]

[MIKE] YOU'RE GONNA MISS
THE SOUP OF THE DAY, JERK.

- WHAT'S HIS TROUBLE?
- I DON'T KNOW,

BUT THIS ISN'T THE PLACE
TO FIND OUT.

[TOM SERVO] THE NO SHOULDER GANG.

WE'LL SEE HIM IN THE MORNING
AT SCHOOL WHEN WE GIVE THIS TO HIM.

WE GOTTA GET BETTER PATCHES.

[MIKE] OOH! OW!

- DEAR, IT'S JUST LEMON JUICE.
- [MIKE] OHH, OW!

JAMIE!

- HOW'S DAD?
- HOW DID YOU KNOW?

[MIKE] HE'S ALWAYS BEEN MY DAD.

I HEARD IT OVER THE RADIO.

HOW IS HE?

- HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
- HE'S KIND OF RUBBERY.

- HE'S RESTING NOW.
- [MIKE] OR HE'S DEAD.

IT'S HARD TO TELL WITH HIM.

HE WAS TERRIBLY SHAKEN UP
AND BRUISED, THOUGH.

AND THEY TOOK HIS PENCIL POUCH.

OH, IT MAKES ME SICK
TO THINK ABOUT IT.

WHEN DID HIS NOSE
GET MILDEW?

JAMIE...

MASSAGE ME, WILL YOU?

I'M SORRY, DAD.

I'M SORRY.

[MIKE] I'M SORRY I'M NOT
THE DAUGHTER YOU WANTED.

THERE'S NOTHING FOR YOU
TO BE SORRY ABOUT, SON.

WASN'T YOUR FAULT.

EH, THE NEXT WEEKEND, DAD'S GOLF
BUDDIES COME AND BEAT UP JAMIE.

[TOM SERVO] SON, YOU HAVE
ANGEL-HAIR PASTA ON YOUR SHIRT.

[MIKE] I WONDER IF THIS
IS GONNA GET MELODRAMATIC.

OKAY, COME ON.
I'LL TAKE YOU BOTH ON.

I'M ALL RIGHT NOW.
YOU'D BETTER GET UPSTAIRS TO BED.

[TOM SERVO] AND I'LL BE UP
IN A MINUTE.

- ♪ [DRAMATIC]
- I'M SORRY, DAD.

[MIKE] NOW, AT THIS POINT HERE,
THE MOOD SHIFTS

TO A LOVELY ADAGIO.
IT'S FANTASTIC.

YOU EXPECTING A FLOOD, SON?

[TOM SERVO] IT'S JUST UPSTAIRS
AND TO THE LEFT, SON,

WHERE IT ALWAYS WAS.

- WE'RE ALONE. LOVE ME!
- DARLING.

[TOM SERVO] HUH.

[MIKE] ♪ IT'S THE EYE OF THE T-- ♪
OH, BOY.

WE BROUGHT YOUR TASTY SHAKE.

♪ [MIKE WHISTLING THEME FROM
THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY]

[TOM SERVO IMITATING SOUND
OF SPURS CLINKING]

[MIKE IMITATING WOLF HOWLING
IN DISTANCE]

IT'S A BELLBOY CONVENTION.

BETTER TAKE THIS BACK, JAMIE.

WE DIDN'T KNOW
IT WAS YOUR DAD, JAMIE.

WE WOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT
IF WE'D KNOWN.

- LEAVE ME ALONE.
- TAKE IT, JAMIE.

YOU KEEP IT.

[MIKE] WE'RE TRYING
TO SAY WE'RE SORRY.

I DON'T WANT ANYTHING MORE
TO DO WITH YOU.

NOW, LOOK, JAMIE.
DON'T GET SMART.

DON'T FORGET, YOU COULD'VE BEEN
ALONG INSTEAD OF ONE OF US.

COULD'VE BEEN ONE OF OUR DADS.

[TOM SERVO] TELL YOU WHAT,
YOU CAN BEAT UP MY DAD.

WOULDN'T SEE ME MOPING AROUND
IF IT HAD BEEN MY OLD MAN.

DON'T WORRY.
I'M NOT FORGETTING A THING.

JUST COUNT ME OUT FROM NOW ON.

- [GIRL] THERE HE IS.
- MY BACKUP'S HERE.

- WE WANNA TALK TO YOU.
- HE'S BUSY.

- DID YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT?
- GIVE ME A STATEMENT.

HAVE YOU READ ABOUT THE SPECIAL
SESSION OF THE CITY COUNCIL

THEY'RE HAVING THIS MORNING?

AND ALL THE THINGS
THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT DOING--

A CURFEW, UPPING THE AGE
OF DRIVER'S LICENSES,

CANCELING THE FOOTBALL GAMES,
THE PARTIES,

THE DANCES, AND EVERYTHING ELSE.

- [MIKE] AND THERE'S WITCHES.
- IT ISN'T FAIR.

MOST OF THE HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS

HAVEN'T HAD ANYTHING TO DO
WITH THE THINGS

THAT HAVE BEEN HAPPENING.
LIKE LAST NIGHT,

AND THE STATUE THAT WAS BROKEN,

AND THE THEATER SEATS,
AND ALL THAT.

AND THE SUEZ CANAL INCIDENT.

BUT WE'RE ALL GOING
TO SUFFER FOR IT.

I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH IT EITHER.

- AND DON'T LOOK AT US.
- WE DIDN'T KICK OVER ANY STATUES.

- YOU'VE GOT TO HELP US, JAMIE.
- WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?

[OVERLAPPING SHOUTING]

[MOCK CRYING]

MR. McPHERSON SAID WE COULD GO.
HE EXCUSED US FROM SCHOOL.

AND HE SAID
YOU COULD GO WITH US.

LOOK, ALL OF YOU, LEAVE ME OUT
OF EVERYTHING YOU'RE PLANNING.

- ALL I WANNA DO
- [MIKE] YEAH, EVERYTHING.

- IS MIND MY OWN BUSINESS.
- BUT THIS IS YOUR BUSINESS.

YOU HEARD HIM.
HE'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

HE'S NO SAP.
WE'RE GOING TO THE CITY COUNCIL.

- [LAUGHTER]
- [MOCK LAUGHTER]

RIGHT NOW, YOU GUYS
ARE MORE AFRAID THAN WE ARE,

BUT YOU'RE NOT FOOLING US.

YOU THINK YOU CAN
LAUGH AT ANYBODY

-WHO STANDS UP TO YOU.
-[MIKE] PARTNER, WHOO.

PRETTY SOON, EVERYONE ELSE IS
LAUGHING AT HIM. THINK YOU'VE WON?

[TOM SERVO] NEXT CARD, PLEASE.
THANK YOU.

WELL, I DON'T CARE IF YOU LAUGH
OR NOT. IT WON'T BE FUNNY

IF THE CITY COUNCIL DOES
WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

I WOULDN'T ADVISE ANY OF YOU TO GO
TO THAT MEETING, IF I WERE YOU.

- I'M WARNING YOU.
- ARE YOU GOING WITH US, JAMIE?

- NO, HE'S NOT.
- I'M TALKING TO JAMIE.

[MIKE]
♪ TORN BETWEEN TWO PEER GROUPS ♪

- WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
- THEY'LL LISTEN TO YOU, JAMIE,

BECAUSE IT WAS YOUR DAD THAT...

AWKWARD.

[TOM SERVO] PERMIT ME TO SING
SOMETHING FROM MAN OF LA MANCHA.

- I'LL GO WITH YOU.
- YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

[FOOTSTEPS]

- HMM?
- MARTHA GRAHAM! RUN!

YOU BOYS HAVEN'T BEEN MOVING
THE STUFF VERY WELL.

[QUIETLY]
I'M WATCHING YOU.

THIS IS MY TURF NOW.

[LAUGHING]

♪ [IMITATING MOD SQUAD THEME]

[MIKE] PETE, LINC, JULIE, AND...

- STEVE?
- HUH?

WHOA! BANANA PEEL!

- I CALL SHOTGUN!
- [LAUGHS]

- [MIKE] NO, NO, NO! WRONG WAY!
- WHOA!

- [TOM SERVO] BACK UP.
- THERE WE GO.

[TOM SERVO] ELIOT NESS AND HIS
UNTOUCHABLES WERE IN HOT PURSUIT.

[MIKE] GET TO THE HELICOPTER!

- THE HELICOPTER!
- GET THE CAR!

MEANWHILE,
BACK AT THE CONVENT...

[MIKE] THIS IS 100% PURE DEMOCRACY.

[TOM SERVO] OKAY, EVERYBODY,
HURRY UP AND VOTE! COME ON!

♪ [IMITATING SOUNDTRACK]

WHOA. HOLD ON.
LET ME GET SOME LITERATURE.

[TOM SERVO] WHAT'S THE RUSH?

THERE'S GONNA BE THREE HOURS
OF ZONING STUFF FIRST.

WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT PRANKS
AND LETTING OFF STEAM,

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
CRIMINAL ACTS FOR MILES!

[TOM SERVO] WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
TROUBLE RIGHT HERE IN RIVER CITY!

IF THESE KIDS WANNA GO AROUND
BEATING UP PEOPLE

AND WRECKING THINGS
TO PROVE HOW TOUGH THEY ARE,

THEN IT'S TIME WE PROVE TO THEM
JUST HOW TOUGH WE ARE!

- [MIMICKING, GIBBERISH]
- CAN WE SAY SOMETHING?

- I'M SORRY--
- WHAT'S ALL THIS?

DO YOU HAVE SOME FACTS TO GIVE US
THAT WE DON'T ALREADY HAVE?

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER
YOU'D CALL THEM FACTS OR NOT,

BUT, WELL, EVERYBODY
KEEPS TALKING ABOUT TEENAGERS

AS IF WE WERE A BUNCH OF FREAKS
OR SOMETHING.

WE'RE JUST WASTING TIME. WE'VE
WASTED TOO MUCH TIME ALREADY.

- KILL THEM ALL!
- WE'VE INVITED MR. McPHERSON HERE.

HE'S PRINCIPAL
OF THE HIGH SCHOOL.

AND HE CAN TELL US ANYTHING
THESE KIDS CAN TELL US.

- NO, NO. I'M SORRY. I CAN'T.
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

- [MIKE] I'M TOO NOODILY.
- THAT'S WHY WHEN

THESE STUDENTS
CAME TO ME TODAY,

I ASKED THEM IF THEY'D
BE WILLING TO COME DOWN HERE

AND PUT THEIR CASE BEFORE YOU.

- [MIKE] IS THAT OKAY?
- AND I THINK YOU SHOULD HEAR

WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY.

- I GIVE YOU CHEETAH CHROME.
- THIS IS BILL STILLWELL,

THE HEAD OF THE STUDENT COUNCIL,

AND CHUCK LEEWOOD,
CAPTAIN OF OUR FOOTBALL TEAM.

- [MIKE] HUT!
- AND SALLY LAWRENCE HERE,

THE SENIOR CLASS PRESIDENT.

- [TOM SERVO] SHE'S A GIRL.
- AND JAMIE.

JAMIE'S DAD WAS
THE ONE WHO GOT HURT LAST NIGHT.

- MR. MAYOR...
- [MIKE] I LOVE YOU.

...I THINK
MR. McPHERSON'S RIGHT,

AND I THINK THESE STUDENTS
ARE RIGHT TOO.

TEENAGERS
AREN'T ALL DELINQUENTS.

- ONLY A FEW ARE INVOLVED...
- [WHISPERING]

...IN THESE CRIMINAL ACTS
THAT WE'RE ALL CONCERNED ABOUT.

IF THESE TEENAGERS,

-WHO REPRESENT ALL OF THE REST...
-[WHISPERING] HEY.

...HAVE THE COURAGE TO COME HERE,

THEN WE SHOULD NOT ONLY LISTEN
TO THEM, BUT I THINK WE SHOULD...

- OBEY THEM!
- ...INVITE THEM TO HELP US

STAMP OUT THIS VANDALISM.

I SAY LET'S LET THEM TALK.

[TOM SERVO] I SAY LET'S PUT THEM
THROUGH THE SPANKING MACHINE.

- ALL RIGHT.
- WHOO, YES.

[CROW] AND TONY BOUZA
IS INTRODUCED.

WE DON'T WANT TO PUNISH
ALL TEENAGERS

FOR THE TROUBLE
A FEW ARE CAUSING...

- JUST YOU.
- ...BUT SOMETHING HAS TO BE DONE.

YOU KNOW HOW SERIOUS

THE JUVENILE DELINQUENCY PROBLEM
HAS BECOME.

WE HAVE TO TAKE SOME ACTION

TO PREVENT THIS SORT OF THING
FROM HAPPENING AGAIN.

- [MIKE] WHY, HE'S QUITE GOOD.
- NOW, IF YOU HAVE

SOME SUGGESTIONS TO OFFER,

- ...WE'RE WILLING TO LISTEN TO YOU.
- [TOM SERVO] AND THEN KILL YOU.

WHAT CAN WE DO,
AND WHAT CAN YOU DO TO PREVENT...

- FOREST FIRES.
- ...JUVENILE DELINQUENCY?

- YOU TELL US.
- [CROW] YEAH?

[MIKE] THEY CALLED OUR BLUFF.
WHAT DO WE DO?

[TOM SERVO] I THINK THEY'RE
STILL TALKING ABOUT ZONING STUFF.

I OFFER MYSELF
AS A VIRGIN SACRIFICE.

[NARRATOR] WHAT WOULD YOU DO
IF YOU WERE JAMIE?

[TOM SERVO] THAT'S PRINCE'S
NEW NAME, ISN'T IT?

- WHAT CAN WE DO...
- NO, IT'S FRANK GORSHIN'S NEW NAME.

...ABOUT JUVENILE DELINQUENCY?

- WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?
- [MIKE] "WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?"

- [CROW LAUGHS]
- [TOM SERVO] ♪ YOUNG AMERICAN ♪

♪ YOUNG AMERICAN,
HE WAS A YOUNG AMERICAN ♪

♪ [VOCALIZING]

OH, HERE IT IS.

[NARRATOR]
CAN DEATH BE OUTWITTED?

[TOM SERVO] LIKE SANDS
THROUGH THE HOURGLASS...

IS THE SECRET OF ETERNAL LIFE
JUST AROUND THAT CORNER?

TODAY, MEDICAL SCIENCE
PATCHES UP MUTILATED BODIES,

TRANSPLANTING HUMAN SKIN,

EYES, LIMBS,
EVEN VITAL ORGANS.

[MIKE] GOLGI APPARATUS.

IS THE NEXT STEP
THE TRANSPLANTATION

OF THE HUMAN BRAIN?

- [CROW] THE PANTRY OF THE FUTURE.
- MANY SCIENTISTS ANSWER YES,

BUT THEY PAUSE
AND ADD A GRIM WARNING.

[TOM SERVO] OH, HEY,
WE'RE OUT OF PAPER.

FOR IN THE ANCIENT FOLK LEGENDS,

TALES ARE TOLD
OF BLOODSUCKING VAMPIRES

CRAWLING OUT OF GRAVES TO LIVE IN
THE BODIES OF HELPLESS VICTIMS.

[MIKE] BUT THAT'S ANOTHER MOVIE.

IS MAN NOW DOOMED
TO PRODUCE A RACE

- OF EVER-LIVING MONSTROSITIES...
- [TOM SERVO] HUH?

...WORSE THAN
THE VAMPIRES OF LEGEND?

- [MIKE] HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!
- WILL RUTHLESS MEN AND WOMEN--

- SHE'S NUDE!
- [TOM SERVO] LADY!

...LEGALLY BUY OR STEAL THE LIVING
BODIES OF THE YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL

SO THEIR BRAINS
MAY LIVE ON FOREVER?

SUCH QUESTIONS
MAY SEEM FANCIFUL...

[TOM SERVO] OR DOWNRIGHT STUPID.

...BUT AT THIS VERY MOMENT,
SCIENTISTS ARE WORKING

ON THE ANSWER
TO BRAIN TRANSPLANTATION...

[CROW] THAT'S NOT ALL
THEY'RE WORKING ON.

...AND HUMAN BODIES ARE USED.

[TOM SERVO] BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME.

THIS GIRL WAS BURIED
IN A NEARBY CEMETERY YESTERDAY.

- [MIKE] THAT'S NOT A GIRL.
- ONLY A FEW HOURS AGO,

HER BODY WAS STOLEN...

[TOM SERVO] NOW, THAT'S A GIRL.

...BY DR. OTTO FRANK AND BROUGHT

- ...TO THIS HIDDEN LABORATORY.
- SHOULD WE BE LOOKING AT THIS?

HE HAS GRAFTED
A LIVING ANIMAL'S BRAIN

INTO THIS NEWLY DEAD BODY.

- [MIKE] WHAT A KNUCKLE-KNOB.
- IF THE EXPERIMENT WORKS,

THE NEXT STEP WILL BE THE
TRANSPLANTATION OF A HUMAN BRAIN.

AND IF IT DOESN'T WORK,
IT'S THE COMPOST HEAP.

THE BRAIN CELLS
ARE BEING REACTIVATED

BY AN ATOMIC FISSION
PRODUCED IN THE CYCLOTRON.

ISN'T THAT A RIDE
AT THE STATE FAIR?

[MIKE WHISPERS] CYCLONE.

[TOM SERVO IMITATING
LIQUID BUBBLING]

[MIKE] AND THE TIME'S UP.
HOW MUCH HAVE YOU RISKED?

ALL OF IT? OOH.

DO NOT ADJUST YOUR DRYER.
WE CONTROL YOUR AIR FLUFF.

[TOM SERVO CHUCKLING]

HAS HE FOUND THE WAY
TO OUTWIT DEATH?

[TOM SERVO] WHO, DURK PEARSON?

OR HAS HE CREATED
ANOTHER MONSTROS--

- [MIKE] WHAT? ANOTHER WHAT?
- [TOM SERVO] I MISSED IT.

[RAPPING]
♪ I'M A DOCTOR, YEAH, MY NAME IS JED ♪

- ♪ [TOM SERVO BEATBOXING]
- ♪ I LIKE TO WEAR THIS STUPID HAT ♪

- [TOM SERVO AND CROW] HUH? OH.
- [MIKE] YOU KNOW, GUYS,

PEOPLE ARE
JUST DYING TO GET IN THERE.

- [TOM SERVO] DOH!
- KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE

- ARE BURIED IN THERE? ALL OF THEM!
- [LAUGHS]

- THANK YOU.
- [LAUGHS]

LOOKS LIKE JOE ORTON
WOULD MEET SOMEONE THERE.

[TOM SERVO CHUCKLES]

[TOM SERVO] HEY, KEEP IT QUIET
IN THERE. HAH! JUST KIDDING.

[MIKE] LOVE THAT ONE.

IT'S BARNEY MOONLIGHTING.

♪ [WHISTLING]

[IMITATING BARNEY FIFE]
YEAH, I THOUGHT I'D TAKE THELMA LOU

OVER TO MY PILOT
FOR A PICTURE SHOW.

- [TOM SERVO] AAH!
- DEEP BELOW, DR. FRANK

TAKES THE CHANCE .OF SMASHING HIS
WAY INTO A NEWLY SEALED VAULT.

HIS EXPERIMENTS CANNOT CONTINUE
WITHOUT ANOTHER BODY.

- [MIKE] IT'S CHRISTMAS AT THE VAULT.
- OH, NICE.

[TOM SERVO]
IT'S A GARY COLEMAN MEMORIAL.

[CROW LAUGHS]

- [TOM SERVO] WHOA, WHOA.
- [MIKE AND CROW] HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

THE WATCHMAN'S MIND
WAS NOT ON BODY SNATCHERS...

- STARSKY AND--
- ...JUST HIS USUAL NIP.

[LAUGHS]
YEAH.

[MIKE IMITATING GUZZLING]

[MIKE] OH, GOD,
THAT'S GOOD EXPECTORANT.

[TOM SERVO] MM.

WELL, BACK TO READING
THE BRIDGES OF MADISON C--

- WHAT THE-- HEY.
- ♪ [CLARINET]

[TOM SERVO] WHERE THE HECK
IS THAT CLARINET COMING FROM?

THE FOUNTAIN?

[MIKE] HEY, WE'RE, UH, RENOVATING
THE CRYPT HERE, AND...

[HAMMERING CONTINUES]

- STEPHEN STILLS!
- [SCREAMS]

[MIKE] THAT'S WHAT HE'S ALWAYS
WANTED TO DO TO DAVID CROSBY.

- [TOM SERVO LAUGHING]
- [CROW] I SEE.

♪ [FLUTES]

[TOM SERVO] IT'S A DELIGHTFULLY
WHIMSICAL MURDER.

- [ALL LAUGH]
- INSIDE THE VAULT,

A BODY WAITS.

[SINGSONG VOICE]
I'M WAITING!

[MIKE] HE'S GOT A COCONUT HEAD ON.

- [LAUGHS]
♪ [FLUTES CONTINUE]

[TOM SERVO] GALWAY, RAMPAL.

THEY'RE FLUTE POLICE.

[MIKE] GALWAY, YOU STARTED
A TRILL IN THE UPPER NOTE!

[TOM SERVO] SOMEONE GET A DOCTOR!
WHA-- WAIT. I AM A DOCTOR.

DOES IT HURT WHEN I DO THIS?

THIS IS ONE OF THE DOCTOR'S
MISTAKES-- A MONSTROSITY.

AN ANIMAL'S BRAIN
GRAFTED TO A HUMAN BODY.

[TOM SERVO] IN RETROSPECT,
AN OBVIOUS MISTAKE.

LEAVING THE DEAD WATCHMAN,
THE MONSTROSITY CARRIED

THE GIRL'S BODY OUT OF THE VAULT.

IT FEARS AND OBEYS ONE MASTER:

- [MIKE] TONY ORLANDO.
- ...DR. FRANK.

[TOM SERVO] --ENSTEIN.

WE GOTTA GET SOME LIGHT
IN HERE, BOSS.

SOMEONE COULD GET HURT.

- [MIKE] THEY SEEM REAL ORGANIZED.
- [CROW] YEAH.

TAXI!

BOSS, WAS I REALLY A MISTAKE
LIKE THE MAN SAID?

[MIKE] OH, NO,
YOU WERE A LITTLE MIRACLE.

- [CROW] OKAY.
- [TOM SERVO] SO THE LITTLE FELLOW

CARTED THE CORPSE AWAY.

[MIKE] THAT'S RATHER A CASUAL LOOK

- FOR A GRAVE ROBBER.
- [CROW] NICE.

[MIKE] HE PROBABLY HAS ESPADRILLES
ON OR A NICE LOAFER.

[TOM SERVO] YEAH.

[TOM SERVO]
WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S: THE ARMAGEDDON.

[MIKE] ARE THOSE MY GOOD SHEETS?

THOSE ARE MY 300-PER-COUNT
PERCALES.

NOW IT'S MISSISSIPPI BURNING.

[TOM SERVO SIGHS]
I MISS THE VOICE-OVER GUY.

[MIKE] WELL,
WHAT ARE YOU HUNGRY FOR?

ANYPLACE
THAT'S GOT CURLY FRIES.

[TOM SERVO] WELL, IT'S A QUIET NIGHT
HERE ON LAKE WOEBEGONE.

[WHISTLING]

[MIKE] THEY'RE ARRIVING
AT JIM DINE'S HOUSE.

- [MIKE] OHH!
- SPECIAL DUAL-ACTION GLOVE BOX.

[TOM SERVO] YEAH.

[MIKE] NO. I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
WE DON'T BUY THIS.

♪ [HUMMING ADDAMS FAMILY THEME]

COMING THIS CHRISTMAS.

[MIKE] SELZNICK
INTERNATIONAL PICTURES.

[TOM SERVO CHUCKLING]

[MIKE] OH, THEY'RE SNEAKING MARILYN
INTO THE WHITE HOUSE.

- OHH!
- [TOM SERVO] SHH!

[MIKE] THAT CAR'S GOT BAD RINGS
OR SOMETHING.

BAD PICKUP.
I DON'T KNOW.

[IMITATING ENGINE SPUTTERING]

[TOM SERVO] AH, CRIPES,
THE WARDEN'S UP.

MUST BE WATCHING CHEVY CHASE
OR SOMETHING.

[MIKE] WELL, I'VE HAD
A REALLY NICE TIME TONIGHT.

I HOPE WE CAN DO IT
AGAIN SOMETIME.

- [GROWLING]
- [MIKE] WOLFIE, HONEY...

HERE BENEATH THE OLD MANSION,

THE DOCTOR CAREFULLY PREPARED
FOR ANOTHER TRANSPLANT.

- A POT ROAST!
- THIS BODY HAD BEEN IN THE VAULT

FOR ONLY A FEW HOURS.
CHANCES SEEMED BETTER THIS TIME.

STILL, DR. FRANK WAS DOUBTFUL.

TISSUE IN DEAD BODIES
DETERIORATES RAPIDLY.

WHERE WERE THE LIVE,
FRESH BODIES HE'D BEEN PROMISED?

[TOM SERVO] WHY, STRAIGHT FROM
YOUR GROCER'S FREEZER.

HE BITTERLY RESENTS
THAT EVERY STEP FORWARD

DEPENDS ON THE WHIM
OF A MISER, THE OLD WOMAN,

BROODING UPSTAIRS
IN HER BEDROOM.

- [IMITATING GUZZLING]
- CHUG IT!

- [MIKE] FINISH IT! ALL THE WAY!
- WHOO-HOO!

AND HETTY MARCH WONDERS.

HAS SHE BEEN A FOOL,

SQUANDERING MONEY
ON THIS STRANGE EXPERIMENT?

- [TOM SERVO MOCK COUGHING]
- MONEY HOARDED THROUGH A LONG,

GREEDY LIFETIME.

EACH DAY, MORE MONEY.
EACH DAY, DEATH GETTING CLOSER.

- AH, BUT TO START LIFE AGAIN...
- [TOM SERVO COUGHS] NEED A LEMON.

...IN A BRAND-NEW BODY.

- BEAUTIFUL AND YOUNG.
- KITTY.

NO PRICE CAN BE
TOO HIGH FOR THAT.

MIKE] I'M DRUNK TOO. MEOW.

CAN SHE REALLY TRUST THE DOCTOR?
CAN SHE REALLY TRUST ANYONE?

HASN'T EVERYONE
TRIED TO CHEAT HER?

I CAN'T EVEN TRUST
THOSE BLINDS.

WANTING HER MONEY
WHILE THEY SMILED AT HER UGLINESS.

BUT THEY NEVER GOT A PENNY.

OH, HOW SHE MADE THEM SWEAT.

[TOM SERVO] IN THOSE SATIN,
TIGHT PANTS.

ESPECIALLY THIS OLD FOOL,
COMPANION AND GIGOLO.

HOW MANY YEARS SHE'S KEPT HIM
DANGLING ON PROMISES.

WELL, SOMETIMES IT'S CONVENIENT
TO HAVE A MAN,

ESPECIALLY WHEN HE COMES
CHEAPER THAN SERVANTS.

[MIKE] THE STRANGE LOVES
OF MARTHA WASHINGTON.

THE AUSTRIAN GIRL?

"NINA RHODES, 18, NO FAMILY,

PLEASING PERSONALITY."

WHATEVER THAT MIGHT MEAN.

HMPH! THICK ANKLES,
PIMPLY FACE,

BUT SHE ALWAYS SMILES
WHEN SHE'S SPOKEN TO.

[MIKE] WOW.

WELL, APPLICATION FORMS FOR A
SERVANT GIRL

DON'T USUALLY INCLUDE BUST,
WAIST, AND HIP MEASUREMENTS.

- EXCEPT AT HOOTERS.
- [TOM SERVO] OOH.

[MAN] ALL THREE
WILL BE HERE TOMORROW,

AND THEN YOU CAN CHOOSE.

[MAN ON RADIO]
AT GREEN HAVEN CEMETERY,

THE BODY SNATCHERS
BRUTALLY MURDERED

NIGHT WATCHMAN ROBERT HANES,

- [MIKE] HEY. SHH. THIS IS US.
- ...62, WHO EVIDENTLY INTERRUPTED

HIS KILLERS
DURING THEIR GHOULISH TASK.

HIS NECK WAS BROKEN.
THE IMPRINT

OF A HUGE PAIR OF HANDS
WAS FOUND ON HIS THROAT.

- IT'S THE OPINION OF THE POLICE--
- GOD, I HATE MICHAEL FELDMAN.

- WHAT DO YA KNOW? I KNOW THIS.
- RING FOR DR. FRANK.

[BUZZES]

SO THAT'S WHAT HE WAS DOING.

SO, THEN, WITH JUST
THIS LITTLE WEATHER KIT,

YOU'VE TRANSFORMED
YOURSELF INTO--

- WHAT WAS IT AGAIN?
- WEATHER SERVO 9,

FIRST TO BRING THE SATELLITE OF
LOVE VITAL WEATHER INFORMATION

THAT AFFECTS YOU!
♪ [HUMMING]

WELL, I APPRECIATE THAT, BUT THERE'S
VERY LITTLE WEATHER IN SPACE.

AND BESIDES, WE HAVE INSTRUMENTS
THAT HANDLE ALL THAT.

SERVO, YOU'RE GONNA
DIE IN SPACE.

- CROW! HE MIGHT NOT.
- HEY.

THAT'S RIGHT, CROW. NOW RAISE
WEATHER SERVO 9 INTO SPACE,

AND I'LL REPORT THE WEATHER
AS IT HAPPENS TO YOU!

- ♪ [HUMMING]
- NOTHING HAPPENS TO US.

WE'RE PROTECTED BY A SATELLITE.

I KNOW. JUST SEND
THE POOR DOPE OUT TO SPACE.

DON'T DIE!

UP-TO-THE-MINUTE FORECAST
FROM WEATHER SERVO--

[HATCH CLOSES]

[TOM SERVO OVER RADIO]
BOY, IT'S COLD OUT HERE.

IS IT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS COLD?

AW, DON'T BE AFRAID. [MOCKINGLY]
YOU'RE WEATHER SERVO 9.

SERVO, JUST MAKE YOUR REPORT
AND THEN GET BACK IN HERE, OKAY?

WELL, BEFORE I
GET ON WITH THE WEATHER,

I'VE GOT A COUPLE OF BIRTHDAYS
TO ANNOUNCE.

- [LAUGHS]
- OH, BOY.

I'M JUST KIDDING, OF COURSE.

- MAN, IS IT COLD OUT HERE!
- HE'S DEAD MEAT.

- YEP.
- I GUESS THE BIG NEWS

IS THE COLD WEATHER. YOU MIGHT
WANNA TAKE A JACKET. [LAUGHS]

IT'S COLD.

OH, WHAT'S THIS?

LOOKS LIKE A METEOR SHOWER'S
GONNA BE COMING BY.

IT MIGHT WARM THINGS UP A BIT.
[LAUGHS]

[GASPING] IT'LL PROBABLY PASS
JUST TO THE NORTH OF US,

BUT YOU MIGHT WANNA...
[SCREAMING]

SERVO!
LOOKS LIKE IT'S NOT WORKING.

CAMBOT, YOU BETTER SHOW ME
ROCKET NUMBER 9.

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

[MUTTERING]

WELL, THAT'LL HAPPEN.

SERVO, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

SERVO, BUDDY,
SPEAK TO ME.

WELL, [COUGHS]
I'M NOT COLD ANYMORE.

I BETTER START FIXING YOU UP.

- WOW. YOU LOOK SO COOL, SERVO.
- [SIZZLES]

- HEY, MIKE, CAN I DO THAT?
- NO, YOU CANNOT DO THAT.

- WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
- WEATHER [COUGHS] STATION...

HELP. [LAUGHS]
HEAD HAPPENS TO BE ON FIRE.

MIGHT WANNA...
[LAUGHS]

[EQUIPMENT WHIRRING]

- [CROW] HMM.
- ♪ [MIKE HUMMING]

[CROW] HOPE YOU'RE OKAY.
[CLEARS THROAT]

[TOM SERVO] THIS JUST IN...

HAH! IT'S JERZY KOSINSKI.

[TOM SERVO CHUCKLING]

[TOM SERVO] THIS HOSE
WITH THE HOSE...

[MIKE] ROMPER, STOMPER,
BOMPER BOO.

WELL, MIKE, YOU KNOW, PUBLIC
ACCESS TV JUST IS NOT VERY GOOD.

[MIKE] MM-MM. MM-MM.

MMM.

WHOA.

HEY, THERE'S A NAKED LADY
IN THIS MOVIE,

AND SHE'S NUDE
WITH NO CLOTHES ON.

[WHIRRING CONTINUES]

SOUNDS LIKE THE PRINTER'S STUCK.

OH, DARN!
I NEED ANOTHER QUARTER.

[MIKE] OH, WHENEVER I PUT
THIS SUIT ON, I GOTTA TINKLE.

OH, I GOTTA START
THOSE NEW POTATOES.

ANN-MARGROCK.

[MIKE] YOU KNOW,
JAME GUMB ONLY DREAMED

OF ACHIEVING
WHAT THIS GUY HAS.

OH, WHO DIED IN HERE?

[TOM SERVO]
POINT OF LAW.

[MIKE] MISS MARPLE ARRIVES.

MURDER, MOST GOOFY.

[TOM SERVO] HE'S GOT ANOTHER
NUDEY ON THE SLAB.

MORE OF THIS HOCUS-POCUS, HETTY?

THE DOCTOR TRANSPLANTED
THE BRAIN

FROM A LIVE DOG
TO A DEAD HUMAN BODY.

- [MIKE] CAN YOU STAND IT?
- YOU SAW THE CREATURE

WALK OUT
OF THAT CYLINDER ALIVE.

- HOW MANY FAILURES SINCE THEN?
- [CROW] OH.

WELL, IT'S YOUR MONEY.

OH, HI.
DIDN'T HEAR THE BELL.

[MIKE] OKAY, CAN WE GET A LEVEL,
PLEASE?

- THIS SPECIMEN IS EXCELLENT.
- AND THE POLICE ARE LOOKING

- FOR THE BODY SNATCHERS.
- [TOM SERVO] MA, DON'T HIT, PLEASE.

WHY THE LOCAL CEMETERY, DOCTOR?

ARE YOU TRYING
TO BLAZE A TRAIL TO OUR DOOR?

THE FINAL TEST WAS ESSENTIAL
FOR YOUR PROTECTION.

AS FOR THE POLICE,
IF THEY COME HERE,

I HIT THIS SWITCH,
AND A NUCLEAR REACTION IS SET OFF.

- [MIKE] OH, WELL, THAT MA-- WHAT?
- CLOSE THE CIRCUIT BREAKER,

AND IN A MATTER OF MINUTES,

THIS HOUSE AND ANY EVIDENCE
IT MIGHT CONTAIN BECOMES

- A RADIOACTIVE HOLE IN THE GROUND.
- BE CAREFUL.

[MIKE] IS THERE A WAY WE COULD LIVE
AND STILL EVADE THE POLICE?

WELL, NOTHING MUST GO WRONG.

JEEZ, SHE'S THE BATTLE-AX
POTEMKIN.

[MIKE] YEAH.

THERE'S NO SIGN OF LIFE.

- YEAH? LOOK WHO'S TALKING.
- WATCH.

[TOM SERVO] WHAT?

I CAN'T WAIT TILL I'M HER.

[TOM SERVO] NOW, DON'T LOOK AT
HER CHESTOCOLOGICAL REGION.

DID I GET
REALLY DEAD LAST NIGHT?

[MIKE] SHE'S SORT OF ALIVE!

OH, JUST RADIATE
THE WHOLE ROOM, PLEASE.

THE JOSHUA LIGHT SHOW.

- SHE LACKS BUT ONE THING.
- [TOM SERVO] BIG, HUNKY ME.

- A BRAIN.
- MAN, HE'S PICKY.

HANS WAS STILL LIVING WHEN HE WAS
DRAGGED FROM THAT WRECKED CAR.

THAT'S WHY WE SUCCEEDED
WITH THE TRANSPLANT.

[TOM SERVO] LET'S SEE.
WHAT ELSE CAN I DO AROUND HERE?

- SHE SEEMS ALIVE.
- SHE IS, TO A LIMITED EXTENT.

SHE'LL BE ABLE TO MOVE AROUND,

BUT THE BRAIN DETERIORATION IS TOO
EXTENSIVE FOR THOUGHT PROCESSES.

[MIKE] HEY. HEY, DON'T TEASE
THE CORPSE.

[TAPPING CONTINUES]

[TOM SERVO] I AM TRYING TO SLEEP.

[MIKE] ♪ FLEW IN FROM
MIAMI BEACH B.O.A.C. ♪

♪ COULDN'T GET TO BED
LAST NIGHT ♪

- ♪ [HUMMING]
- THE BOEING 707,

THE PACK MULE
OF THE AMERICAN SKIES.

SHEEP-LIKE PASSENGERS
TOO STUPID TO APPRECIATE

TECHNOLOGIES INHERITED
FROM LONG-RANGE BOMBERS.

[MIKE] BYE, GRANDMA.
HOPE YOU ENJOY THE SEX CHANGE.

- SCANDINAVIAN AIRLINES.
- I SEE.

♪ [IMITATING SOUNDTRACK MUSIC]

[MIKE] WILMA!

ATOMIC BUTT.
[CHUCKLES]

♪ [UPBEAT]

MRS. WIGGINS!

♪ [ALL IMITATING
SOUNDTRACK MUSIC]

[MIKE] OOH, THIS THING NEEDS A REST.

[FOREIGN ACCENT]
SAY, PARDON ME,

BUT HOW FAR IS HOLLYWOOD
FROM HERE?

AND COULD YOU TELL ME WHERE
MY ACCENT IS FROM?

[TOM SERVO] COME ON, COME ON!

ALL RIGHT. LET'S SEE.

OOH-HOO!
THE SCHLOSSEN CUTOFF!

- OOH-HOO-HOO!
- IT'S ABOUT TEN MILES.

WHICH WAY?

THAT WAY.

[TOM SERVO] HMM? OH.

[WOMAN]
ARE YOU GOING TO HOLLYWOOD?

NO SUCH LUCK. I'M WHAT'S KNOWN
AS A FOREIGN DOMESTIC.

FOR THE NEXT 12 MONTHS, I'LL BE
SCRUBBING FLOORS AND MAKING BEDS.

BUT WHEN MY TIME'S UP,
HOLLYWOOD, LOOK OUT.

- ALL RIGHT. WE'RE WARNED.
- THAT'S STRANGE.

A FOREIGN DOMESTIC AGENCY
PAID MY PASSAGE TOO.

- I'M FROM VIENNA, AUSTRIA.
- [MIKE] UH-HUH.

- OH, REALLY?
- MM-HMM.

- I'M FROM ENGLAND.
- NO!

- IS THIS YOUR FIRST TRIP?
- WE HAVE AN OFFICIAL BEVY.

YES. I'M AWFUL EXCITED.

- POR FAVOR.
- YEAH! [LAUGHS]

- PLEASE!
- I NO SPEAK INGLÉS VERY GOOD.

YOU'RE ALL FROM NEBRASKA.
CUT IT OUT.

"HAND OVER YOUR
WALLET PROMPTLY."

WELL, I BETTER DO IT.

[MIKE] YOUR MISSION, MR. PHELPS,
SHOULD YOU DECIDE TO ACCEPT IT,

IS TO PICK UP
THESE THREE FOREIGN WOMEN

AT THE L.A.
INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT.

- SHOULD YOU OR ANY OF YOUR--
- YEAH, YEAH. IT GOES ON LIKE THAT.

- WE KNOW.
- [MIKE] SORRY.

ARE YOU GOING TO WORK
FOR MRS. MARCH TOO?

- YES-- I MEAN, SÍ.
- THIS SOUNDS LIKE A SISTER ACT.

HMM? "MRS. BAT GUANO,"
IF IT REALLY IS YOUR NAME.

- YOU TOO?
- NINA RHODES?

- [MIKE] YO!
- YES, SIR.

ANITA GON-- GONZALEZ?

- RIGHT AT YA!
- [MIKE] KIRBY PUCKETT!

- BEATRICE MULLINS, EH?
- THAT'S RIGHT.

ARE YOU MR. MARCH?

NO. I WORK FOR MRS. MARCH.

- COME ALONG.
- [MIKE] ALEXANDER'S RAGTIME BAND.

[NARRATOR] THREE NEW BODIES--
FRESH, LIVE, YOUNG BODIES.

- THIS FALL ON NBC.
- NO FAMILIES OR FRIENDS

WITHIN THOUSANDS OF MILES,

NO ONE TO ASK EMBARRASSING
QUESTIONS WHEN THEY DISAPPEAR.

[MIKE] THE FACTS OF LIFE
GO TO EUROPE.

NOT THAT I'VE SEEN IT.

[TOM SERVO] THEY'RE OFF TO
A MURDER IN SUNNY CALIFORNIA.

[MIKE]
♪ L.A. IS A GREAT BIG FREEWAY ♪

♪ [HUMMING ALONG]

[NARRATOR] VICTOR WONDERED WHICH
ONE MRS. MARCH WOULD PICK--

THE LITTLE MEXICAN, THE GIRL FROM
VIENNA, OR THE BUXOM BLONDE.

- [TOM SERVO] OR THE...
- VICTOR KNEW HIS PICK,

BUT HE STILL FELT UNEASY.

MAKING LOVE
TO AN 80-YEAR-OLD WOMAN

IN THE BODY
OF A 20-YEAR-OLD GIRL IS INSANITY.

OH, THEY DO IT EVERY DAY IN L.A.

STILL, HETTY'S PLAN
TO TRANSFER HER FORTUNE

TO THE NEW BODY
HAD BEEN BRILLIANT.

UNPLEASANT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT'S
GOING TO HAPPEN TO THESE GIRLS,

BUT A MAN HAS TO CONSIDER
HIS OWN FUTURE.

- HEY, YOU'RE RATIONALIZING.
- WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO HIM

IF HETTY WERE TO CAST HIM OFF
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS?

BLANCHE, NO! [IMITATES TIRES
SCREECHING, CAR THUDDING]

I AM NOT SHARING
A ROOM WITH BETH, AM I?

[BEATRICE MUTTERS]

WELL, THERE'S YOUR NEW HOME,
GIRLS.

[MIKE] THE PYGMALION SISTERS.

[BEATRICE SIGHS]
GIVES ME THE SHIVERS.

- AREN'T THERE ANY NEIGHBORS?
- NO.

WHEN YOU GET CLOSE TO AN ACCENT,
LET US KNOW.

ARE THERE ANY OTHER SERVANTS?

NO, BUT I DON'T THINK
YOU'RE GOING TO FIND IT BORING.

[TOM SERVO] THAT'S THREE DOWN
AND SEVEN TO GO. BENNETT CERF.

[MIKE GASPS]
TRUMPY, YOU CAN DO MAGIC!

♪ [HUMMING]

[TOM SERVO] ♪ AND THERE'S A ROSE
IN A FISTED GLOVE ♪

[TOM SERVO] MM.
BOY, A LONG DAY, HUH?

I'M JUST GONNA CLIMB INTO
A NICE HOT BATH.

[MIKE] YEAH.

CLARA PELLER IN REAR WINDOW.

WEIRD WINDOW.

[TOM SERVO] WHOA-OA-OA-OA!
[IMITATING CRASHING]

[CROW LAUGHING]

I'LL GET IT!
GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE.

MEOW.

[TOM SERVO SNIFFS]

YOU HAVE CATS, DON'T YOU?

WHAT A JOLLY LITTLE PLACE
THIS IS.

[MIKE ENGLISH ACCENT] I SAID "PLACE,"
'CAUSE I'M ENGLISH.

DICK VAN DYKE HAD
A BETTER ENGLISH ACCENT.

[TOM SERVO] OH, HI. HOW YA DOIN'?

- [SCREAMS]
- [MIKE] THAT'S SPANISH FOR "AAHH!"

NOW, HURRY ALONG.

HURRY UP. NOW GO.

IT'S A 20-YEAR
CHARLIE'S ANGELS REUNION.

[MIKE] OH, I SHOULD'VE PLEDGED
LAMBDA CHI OMEGA.

AND THIS IS THE ROOM
WHERE PRESIDENT KENNEDY AND I

HAD THE BALL
FOR THE SPANISH AMBASSADOR.

[CROW] THE ONE I HAD
TO MEET YOU THERE.

[MIKE] OH, THEY'RE GOING TO PAY
THEIR RESPECTS TO THE PRE-DEAD.

♪ [MIKE IMITATING SOUNDTRACK MUSIC]

[TOM SERVO IN ELDERLY FEMALE VOICE]
NORMAN!

- OH.
- I KNOW YOU'RE LOOKING AT MY JULEP.

PUT DOWN YOUR LUGGAGE.

[MIKE] TONIGHT ON A VERY SPECIAL
GRANDMA IRONSIDE...

[MIKE IMITATING WHEELS SQUEAKING]

[TOM SERVO]
OKAY, WHO'S BUNKING WITH ME?

[MIKE] UH, YOU WANNA SEE
MY RESUMÉ MAYBE?

[CROW] WHAT ARE YOU, MRS. PENGUIN?

GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME.

TURN AROUND.

- [TOM SERVO] OH, WOW.
- SLOWLY.

GET THE DOCTOR.
GET THE DOCTOR!

[TOM SERVO] I COULD BE THE DOCTOR!
I'LL BE THE DOCTOR!

[MIKE] BLIMEY.

[KNOCKING]

[TOM SERVO] HEY.

YEAH, LET'S GIVE SOMEBODY ELSE
A CRACK AT THAT BOWL, HUH?

OH, RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF SPLICING RECOMBINANT DNA!

I'M NEVER GONNA...

♪ [MIKE WHISTLING]

HUH. MESSY.

WELL, I WOULDN'T LIVE HERE.
WELL...

HEY, HE'S GOT ONE OF THOSE.
HUH.

AS WITH THE OTHER BODIES
STOLEN FROM CEMETERIES,

THE NERVE ENDINGS OF THE BRAIN
WERE TOO FAR GONE

- TO RECEIVE A PROPER TRANSPLANT.
- [TOM SERVO] WELL, LIVE AND LEARN.

THE EXPERIMENT FAILED
TO PRODUCE ANYTHING MORE

THAN A WALKING, BREATHING,
ZOMBIE-LIKE CREATURE.

- ME.
- BUT THE DOCTOR PERMITTED HER

TO WANDER ABOUT THE LABORATORY.
SHE WAS QUITE HARMLESS

- AND, AT TIMES...
- NUDE.

- ...EVEN AMUSING.
- [MIKE] WOW.

[DR. FRANK]
CHARMING, ISN'T SHE?

- DID YOU WANT SOMETHING?
- [MIKE] UM, HER.

UH, MRS. MARCH IS WAITING FOR YOU.
THREE GIRLS HAVE ARRIVED.

[TOM SERVO] AND I'LL STAY HERE
AND SUPERVISE THE ZOMBIE.

[VICTOR]
SHE DOESN'T HAVE A BRAIN?

SHE'D MAKE A GOOD NEWS ANCHOR.

[VICTOR]
MIGHT BE ADVANTAGES.

[MIKE] OH, THANK YOU, ORRIN HATCH.

[TOM SERVO] THE OLD BAT
SMELLS LIKE-- OH, HI!

[CHUCKLES]

I WANT THEM EXAMINED
IMMEDIATELY.

VERY WELL. THIS WAY.

[MIKE] WOULD YOU GO OVER
OUR JOB DESCRIPTION AGAIN?

I'M FOGGY ON THAT.

[CROW] COME HERE. I FEEL FRISKY.

LOOK. THE DOCTOR CAN CONDUCT
THE EXAMINATION PERFECTLY.

[CHUCKLING]

WHAT AN OLD SPOILSPORT I AM.

[TOM SERVO] THAT WOMAN DIAPERED
ROSE KENNEDY.

HAVE YOU DISCONNECTED
THE PHONE?

CAN'T I DEPEND ON YOU
FOR ANYTHING?

WON'T IT BE NICE WHEN THOSE GIRLS
START CALLING POLICE,

EMPLOYMENT AGENCIES, IMMIGRATION
AUTHORITIES, COUNSELORS?

- THERE WILL BE NO PHONE CALLS.
- WE HAVE A WINNER.

LOOK. LOOKIT HERE.
THERE WAS A ZIT, BUT I SQUEEZED IT.

- [TOM SERVO] OHH!
- WEST VIRGINIA?

HIDEOUS. SHE'S USELESS.

THERE IS ONE MORE TEST
I SHOULD MAKE.

DO ANYTHING YOU WANT WITH HER.

- THE OTHER TWO?
- PERFECT MEDICAL SPECIMENS.

- [TOM SERVO] WOW.
- [MIKE WHISTLES]

ALL RIGHT, ANITA.
GET DRESSED NOW

AND WAIT FOR THE OTHERS.

- [MIKE] SÍ.
- [CREATURE HOWLING]

[MIKE] I'M SCARED.

[TOM SERVO]
♪ SO WE CHANGE PARTNERS ♪

IT'S MAGGIE THE CAT AUDITIONS.

MRS. MARCH,
I AM NOW GIVING YOU NOTICE.

I DO NOT CARE TO WORK
IN THIS HOUSE ANY LONGER.

- I DEMAND THAT--
- YOU HAVE SIGNED AN AGREEMENT.

IF YOU HAVE ANY OBJECTION,
YOU WILL DISCUSS THEM

WITH THE IMMIGRATION AUTHORITIES

AS PROVIDED FOR IN YOUR PAPERS.

- BUT, MRS. MARCH--
- LATER!

[MIKE] WILLARD SCOTT'S GONNA
READ MY NAME ON TV.

STAND UP, MY DEAR.

I'VE GOT THE SAME MEASUREMENTS
AS MARILYN MONROE.

- [CHUCKLING]
- [CHUCKLES]

SEE? THERE'S THE HICKEY
FROM BOBBY KENNEDY.

[TOM SERVO] YEAH.

RAOUL WALLENBERG.

[MIKE] SHE HAD A MAY-DECEMBER
ROMANCE WITH EUBIE BLAKE.

[LAUGHS]

- THE LUCKY GIRL?
- YES.

ALLOW ME TO BE THE FIRST
TO OFFER CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU'VE BEEN FONDLED
BY MILDRED NATWICK.

- TO BOTH OF YOU.
- [LAUGHS]

[MIKE] I DON'T GET IT.

- FOR ME?
- [MIKE] WALLS AND EVERYTHING?

WOW! YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.

YOU GOT ME IN MOTEL 6. AWW.

- ♪ [BOUNCY SOUNDTRACK MUSIC]
- HUH?

[MIKE] WHAT THE--

[TOM SERVO] THERE'S A XYLOPHONE
BUILT IN THAT BED.

[MIKE] OW! OOH!

- DOH!
- [CROW] OOH, NICE RECOVERY.

YOU TWO GET
THE "NOT AS HOT AS HER" SUITE.

COME ON. COME ON.

[TOM SERVO] NOW LISTEN CAREFULLY,
RUNNERS-UP,

IN THE EVENT THAT
THE BLONDE WOMAN IS UNABLE

TO FULFILL HER DUTIES
AS THE OLD WOMAN'S NEW BODY,

THE FIRST RUNNER-UP WILL BE ASKED
TO CONTINUE ON IN THOSE DUTIES.

NOW UP TO KATHIE LEE.
[CHUCKLES]

YOUR ROOM IS IN THE BASEMENT,
ANITA.

NINA, YOUR ROOM IS UPSTAIRS, RIGHT
ACROSS FROM THE TOP OF THE STAIRS.

[MIKE] THERE'S A CONTINENTAL
BREAKFAST AT 8:00,

AND IF YOU HEAR SCREAMING,
DON'T LISTEN. GOOD NIGHT.

I'LL HAVE TO SHOW YOU.

HEY, HERVÉ VILLECHAIZE'S ROOM.

SEE?

- [MIKE MUTTERING]
- YEAH. YOU GET IT.

[MIKE] OH, THIS IS THE DOOR
TO THE OPTICAL TRACK.

[IMITATING SPEAKING UNDERWATER]

- IMPETIGO.
- NO. I THINK YOU MEAN "VERTIGO."

[TOM SERVO] UH, EXCUSE ME.
THERE'S A DOG BRAIN IN MY TOILET.

ESCHER.

[MIKE] ARE YOU RUTH UNDERWOOD?

[ANITA] I THINK IT WILL BE LONESOME
DOWN THERE.

[VICTOR] NONSENSE.
YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT. GO ON.

[MIKE MAKES HAWKING SOUND]

IT MIGHT SMELL A LITTLE DAMP,
AND DON'T MIND THE SILVERFISH.

[MIKE] I'M GONNA ORDER
THE BIG-FOOT BASH.

[TOM SERVO] WATSON, I'M STILL HERE.
WATSON, I NEED YOU.

THIS CLOCK DOESN'T WORK.

- [MIKE] TA-DA.
- GRACIAS.

- THERE YOU GO.
- THANK YOU.

[TOM SERVO] ♪ JUST A GIGOLO ♪

♪ [HUMMING]

[MIKE] BUT YOU'RE NOT USING AT&T.

OH, THE ELECTROMAGNET
HAS BEEN DESTROYED,

RENDERING THE CARBON GRAINS
AND TRANSMITTER USELESS.

POOPY.

MM.

I KNOW.
I'LL WRITE FOR HELP.

[MIKE] I WAS RIGHT.
IT REALLY IS LONELY DOWN HERE.

- [WHIRRING]
- [MIKE] HUH?

THE MICROBREWERY THING
IS REALLY CATCHING ON.

♪ DA-DA-DA-DA ♪
IMPERIAL MARGARINE.

[WHIRRING STOPS]

[MIKE] ALL RIGHT.
AN HOUR OFF FOR RENEGADE,

AND THEN BACK AT IT.

[TOM SERVO] ♪ IT'S TIME WE STOPPED ♪

♪ HEY, WHAT'S THAT SOUND ♪

♪ EVERYBODY LOOK
WHAT'S GOIN'-- ♪

TAKE OVER, CHEWIE.

- HUH?
- CHEWIE. CHEWBACCA.

[MIKE] COMPLETELY FORGOT
WHAT I CAME UP HERE FOR.

[CROW CHUCKLING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR SLOWLY]

[TOM SERVO: DEEP, SLOW VOICE]
HOUSEKEEPING.

- ¿QUIÉN ES?
- "BIKINIS"?

[TOM SERVO] HMM?

[MIKE] DID SHE SAY "BIKINIS"?

WHO IS IT?

[MIKE] IT'S THE PLUMBER.

I'VE COME TO FIX YOUR SINK.

[ROBOTS LAUGHING]

ISN'T SHE SUPPOSED TO BE
WEARING SOMETHING TIGHTER

OR FLIMSIER OR MORE REVEALING?

[MIKE] WELL, I MEAN,
THAT'S THE PREFERRED ROUTE,

- ...BUT THAT'S NOT NECESSARILY--
- [CROW] WELL, YEAH.

[SCREAMS]

COME ON. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE
NEVER HEARD OF A CHIN PUPPET.

- NO. NOT ME.
- ALL RIGHT. WELL, I'LL DO

THE WHOLE DEMO FOR YOU, OKAY?

- OF A CHIN PUPPET?
- RIGHT. A CHIN PUPPET.

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU SCRAMBLE
AROUND FRONT THERE,

AND I'LL DO THE WHOLE STAGE SHOW
FOR YOU, ALL RIGHT?

YOU GUYS ARE GONNA LOVE THIS.

[TOM SERVO] MIKE, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING, HONEY?

- [CROW] HONEY? DEAR?
- [TOM SERVO] WHOA.

♪ HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING
AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW ♪

♪ I'M GLAD YOU COULD BE HERE
TO SEE MY SHOW, YEAH ♪

- [TOM SERVO] OH, MY GOD!
- I DON'T GET IT.

WHY ARE YOU UPSIDE DOWN?

WHAT'S NOT TO GET?
I'M A CHIN PUPPET.

SO, ON EARTH, DID YOU JUST GO
AHEAD AND DO THIS FOR PEOPLE?

- YEAH.
- AND THEY LAUGHED?

WELL, SURE. IT'S FUNNY.
HEY, YOU'RE A GREAT CROWD.

DID YOU EVER
GO ON A DATE LIKE THAT?

OF COURSE NOT.
HEY, COME ON.

YOU GUYS WANTED TO SEE THIS.
GET INTO IT.

I KNOW, BUT IN OUR WILDEST DREAMS,
WE NEVER IMAGINED THIS!

- COME ON. IT'S WHIMSICAL.
- IT'S ODD AND DISTURBING, MIKE.

WHAT WOULD POSSESS
A PERSON TO DO THAT?

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS.

APPARENTLY, YOU'RE NOT SUITED
TO CHIN PUPPETS.

LET'S JUST CALL
THE WHOLE THING OFF.

- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
- [ROBOTS LAUGHING]

NOW, THAT'S FUNNY!
LOOK AT THAT!

HE'S GOT AN UPSIDE-DOWN FACE
ON HIS CHIN!

- NOW I GET IT. IT'S HILARIOUS.
- [LAUGHING CONTINUES]

- [ALARM BLARING]
- [ALL SHOUTING]

[MIKE] GEE, YOU'RE A HEAVY
LITTLE GUY. [GRUNTS]

- ARE YOU OKAY?
- THAT WASN'T VERY NICE.

ARE YOU SURE
SHE'S NOT IN HER ROOM?

YES.

VICTOR LEFT
A LITTLE WHILE AGO.

MAYBE SHE WENT WITH HIM.

[ENGLISH ACCENT] LOOK AT THOSE
LITTLE NO-NECK MONSTERS.

SHE DIDN'T GET OUT OF THIS PRISON
WITHOUT PERMISSION,

- THAT'S FOR SURE.
- YEAH.

BUT SHE WOULD'VE SAID GOOD-BYE.

WHY SHOULD SHE?
WE ONLY MET HER YESTERDAY.

[MIKE] OH, RIGHT. WHY CARE ABOUT
THE WELFARE OF OTHERS?

I DON'T BLAME HER FOR NOT WANTING
TO SLEEP IN THE "BICEMENT."

THAT'S BRITISH FOR "BASEMENT."

WHY, THERE'S A CHUNK
OF CREAMED SPINACH HERE.

IT'S FUNNY, THOUGH.

MRS. MARCH WOULDN'T EVEN LISTEN
WHEN I ASKED TO BE DISMISSED.

[MIKE] AND THEN SHE KISSED ME
FULL ON THE LIPS. I DON'T KNOW WHY.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
I MEAN, IT'S BAKED ON.

SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE
ANY UNIFORMS FOR US.

WHAT IN THE WORLD
DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

YOU TOLD US LAST NIGHT
TO CLEAN AND POLISH IN HERE.

BUT YOUR HANDS.
THAT WILL LEAVE A STAIN ON THEM.

- NOW DON'T ARGUE.
- [MIKE] RELAX.

GO IN AND WASH THEM IMMEDIATELY.

- [MIKE] SPEAKING OF STAINED...
- YOU CAN PUT THE THINGS AWAY

AFTER NINA CLEANS THEM.

OH, JAM IT, AUNT MAY.

MRS. MARCH, WHERE IS ANITA?

- ANITA? OH.
- [MIKE] THE DEAD ONE?

SHE ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED
HER BRAIN ON THE FLOOR.

SHE LEFT LAST NIGHT.

I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE NOTICE TOO.

- I WILL DISCUSS IT WITH YOU...
- [TOM SERVO] AT THE STAFF MEETING.

- ...ANOTHER TIME.
- ♪ [CROW HUMMING]

[MIKE] I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING
FOR THAT FIGURE.

[WHIRRING]

[TOM SERVO] YES, IT'S DISCO NIGHT
AT GLAM SLAM.

- COME ON DOWN.
- ♪ [HUMMING]

- [MIKE] LASERIUM.
- [TOM SERVO IMITATING WHIRRING]

A HOT TUB IS NOT RELAXING
WITH ALL THOSE LIGHTS.

[TOM SERVO] NO. NEVER.

[TOM SERVO] HEY,
GANDALF'S DOWN THERE.

- [CROW] HUH?
- [TOM SERVO] WITH THE SMOKE RINGS.

- [MIKE] OH, BROTHER. THIS GUY.
- [TOM SERVO LAUGHS]

- [TOM SERVO] WELL. YEAH.
- I THINK THEY'RE DONE.

- NINA! NINA!
- [MIKE] QUIT LISTENING TO THAT STUFF!

COME HERE THIS INSTANT!

OH, IF ONLY RICHARD WIDMARK
WERE HERE.

- [TOM SERVO] OH, MAN.
- [MIKE] I'M GONNA DO IT.

I'M GONNA GET AIRBORNE.

[TOM SERVO] 100% PURE ADRENALINE.

- YES, MRS. MARCH?
- YOUR NAME ISN'T NINA.

BUT, MRS. MARCH, SHE'S GOT POLISH
ALL OVER HER HANDS,

AND I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING.

I DON'T WANT YOU RUNNING
UP AND DOWN STAIRS.

THOSE PRETTY LEGS OF YOURS
WILL GET UGLY MUSCLES.

[TOM SERVO] SHE LIKES BIG PIANO LEGS

- ON A WOMAN.
- SEND NINA TO ME.

- WHO DOESN'T?
- YES, MA'AM.

[MRS. MARCH]
I'LL BE IN MY ROOM.

[MIKE] ♪ HERE'S CATHY
WHO'S LIVED MOST EVERYWHERE ♪

[TOM SERVO LAUGHS]

[SIGHS]

BEA, COME WITH ME.

WHAT WILL WE BECOME?

[MIKE] I DON'T THINK THAT'S WHAT...

[MIKE] IMITATING STAIRS CREAKING]

[TOM SERVO] THERE. YOU SEE? THERE
ARE SIGNS OF SEEPAGE DOWN HERE.

I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

[MIKE] THEY KEEP THEIR CHRISTMAS
DECORATIONS DOWN HERE.

IT'S AMAZING.

LOOK AT ALL THE AMENITIES
THAT ANITA GOT.

[TOM SERVO] HMM.

ANITA WOULDN'T LEAVE
WITHOUT TAKING HER CLOTHES.

[TOM SERVO]
HAVE YOU SEEN HER CLOTHES?

I THINK WE'D BETTER GET OUT
OF HERE, FAST.

BEA, I'D HATE TO GO
IF SHE'S STILL HERE.

YOU'LL GO NOW
IF YOU GO WITH "MAY."

- "MAY"? NOW, WHO'S MAY?
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

DON'T KNOW.

MAN, SHE'S BOSSY.

[TOM SERVO] IT'S TRIXIE BELDEN
AND HONEY.

[MIKE] HERE. I WANNA SHOW YOU
THE TOMATOES THEY PUT UP

AND SOME WATERMELON
RIND PICKLES.

OH, THAT SOUNDS GOOD.

- THIS HINGE IS LOOSE.
- [CROW] HMM.

HELP ME.

♪ [DRAMATIC FLOURISH]

♪ [TOM SERVO HUMMING THEME FROM
MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE]

♪ [HUMMING]

[MIKE] NOW,
WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?

I FOUND IT UP THERE.

[MIKE] WELL, PUT THAT BACK.

[TOM SERVO, HIGH-PITCHED GIBBERISH]

[MIKE] OH, CRIPE.

IT'S OPEN!

[TOM SERVO] HE'S THE ATOMIC VET.

[TOM SERVO] HUH?

KITTY...
[MUTTERS]

GOD, I'M LUMPY TODAY.

[IMITATING GIRLS WHISPERING,
SHUSHING]

[TOM SERVO] HMM?

ONE LAST EXPERIMENT BEFORE
DR. FRANK WOULD BE READY.

BUT THIS WAS THE MOST CRITICAL
OF ALL THE EXPERIMENTS.

FOR THE FIRST TIME,
THE GRAFTING OPERATION

WOULD BE PERFORMED
ON A LIVING HUMAN BODY,

AND THE BRAIN WOULD COME
FROM THE DOCTOR'S FAVORITE CAT.

JEEZ, IMAGINE THE SIZE
OF THE LITTER BOX.

- ANITA WAS READY.
- [TOM SERVO] HUH?

[MIKE] JEAN SHEPHERD'S VOICE-OVERS
HAVE GOTTEN WEIRD.

IT'S THE STRANGEST BED AND
BREAKFAST I'VE EVER BEEN TO.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- IT'S ME, NINA.
- OH.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR CLOTHES?

- NEVER MIND. LET'S GO.
- [MIKE] HERE. GET IN.

DID I HEAR SOMEONE PACKING?

[TOM SERVO] I THOUGHT PACKING
WOULD FULFILL ME,

BUT NOW I JUST FEEL EMPTY.

OH.

♪ [OBOE]

[MIKE] THE OBOE REPRESENTS
THE TENSION AS THEY SNEAK AWAY.

CASPER?
[CHUCKLES]

[TOM SERVO]
♪ ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN' ♪

[MIKE] SHE'S SPINNING DONUTS
ON THE DEEP PILE.

[TOM SERVO] WOW.

BEA, SHE ALMOST SAW US.

LET'S WAIT AWHILE TO MAKE SURE
WE WON'T RUN INTO HER.

[GERMAN ACCENT]
MEIN FÜER, I CAN WALK!

AH, AH, AAHH!

DR. FRANK, QUIT LEAVING
YOUR SKATEBOARD ON THE STAIRS!

[TOM SERVO IMITATING BODY
THUDDING DOWN STAIRS]

[TOM SERVO TO MRS. MARCH'S THEME]
♪ SHE'S OLD, SHE'S OLD ♪

♪ SHE'S OLD, SO OLD, OLD ♪

[MIKE] DID PROKOFIEV
DO THE MUSIC FOR THIS?

- UH, YES. ERNIE PROKOFIEV.
- ♪ LOOK OUT, SHE'S OLD ♪

♪ SHE CREAKS AND POPS ♪

LET'S FOLLOW THE WHIMSICAL
ADVENTURES OF GRANNY. [LAUGHS]

- ♪ [LADIES' THEME]
- ♪ THEY'RE YOUNG ♪

♪ THEY'RE SCARED ♪

♪ YOUNG AND SCARED ♪

♪ YOUNG ♪

- ♪ [MRS. MARCH'S THEME]
- ♪ SHE-- SHE'S OLD ♪

♪ LOOK AT HOW OLD SHE IS ♪

♪ SHE CREAKS,
SHE'S SO DANG OLD ♪

[MIKE WHISPERS]
LET'S GO HAVE SOME FISH AND CHIPS.

- ♪ [LADIES' THEME]
- ♪ SCARED ♪

♪ THEY'RE YOUNG ♪

- I NEVER KNEW I HAD A BASEMENT.
- ♪ [MRS. MARCH'S THEME]

♪ SHE'S OLD,
SHE'S IN THE BASEMENT ♪

[MIKE] LET'S SLIDE DOWN
THE BANNISTER. IT'S FUN. [LAUGHS]

- ♪ [LADIES' THEME]
- [TOM SERVO] ♪ YOUNG, SCARED ♪

♪ YOUNG STEWARDESSES ♪

♪ SCARED ♪

♪ DING ♪

- ♪ YOUNG ♪
- [MIKE] ♪ THING ♪

HEY, THAT LADY MADE SANDWICHES
FOR THE MEN

WORKING ON THE SPHINX.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, HEAVENS.
MY PACEMAKER. OH, DAMN.

[TOM SERVO] THE SNOOP NIECES.
[CHUCKLES]

- ♪ [LADIES' THEME]
- ♪ WE'RE YOUNG ♪

[ALL] ♪ YOUNG, SCARED ♪

AAH! DOROTHY DAY!

[TOM SERVO] SHE'S A NICE LADY.

- ♪ [MRS. MARCH'S THEME]
- ♪ NOW COME ON ♪

♪ LET'S GO UPSTAIRS ♪

♪ WE'RE SCARED, WE'RE YOUNG ♪

- BEA!
- [TOM SERVO] A DOOBIE.

THIS IS GONNA BE
SOME CHASE SCENE.

[TOM SERVO] MM.

♪ SHE'S OLD, SHE'S OLD ♪

♪ SHE CREAKS,
SHE GOES ♪

- BEA!
- ♪ UPSTAIRS ♪

[MIKE] BEA!

[WHIRRING]

AH, GOOD RENEGADE TONIGHT.

WELL, BACK AT IT.

♪ DUM DE-DUM DE-DUM DE-DUM ♪

[MIKE] OH. THAT THING.

[TOM SERVO] WOW.

OH, I JUST LOVE
THESE MONDAY KLAN MEETINGS.

- DO I SMELL BACON?
- [THUNDERCLAP]

[MIKE] SEE?
THE LIGHTNING OPENED THE DOOR.

[CROW] HMM.

[TOM SERVO] THAT'S A REAL
COMPLICATED PORTA-POTTY, ISN'T IT?

- I WOULDN'T WANT ONE.
- [TOM SERVO] MM-MM.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MISS NETHERWORLD!

[IMITATES CROWD CHEERING]

[MIKE] HEY, NO SHOES, NO BRAIN,
NO SERVICE, LADY.

[TOM SERVO] LOOKS LIKE, UH,
ULTRAVIOLET.

- WHAT, WITH THE FROWNS AND...
- [MIKE CHUCKLES]

[SLOWLY]
ANYONE WANT ANYTHING?

- BEA!
- [MIKE] I-N-G-O.

- BEA, WHERE ARE YOU?
- [TOM SERVO] B-34. BINGO.

ANSWER ME!

♪ [TOM SERVO HUMMING]

[MIKE GASPS] SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT!
WHAT DO WE DO?

I'M HERE, MRS. MARCH.

LET'S SEE.
THAT'S MY HARLEY KEY.

OH, THERE IT IS.
[MUTTERING]

SHE'S LOCKED US IN.

[MIKE]
DIALOGUE REPLACEMENT PLAYHOUSE.

[NINA]
OPEN IT! I SAID OPEN IT!

- [TOM SERVO] ♪ NO, I'VE GOT ♪
- MRS. MARCH!

♪ THE KEYS DOWN HERE ♪

WAIT.

SELZNICK INTERNATIONAL
PRESENTS...

[TOM SERVO CHUCKLES]
THAT'S NICE.

I LOVE THAT ONE.

[MIKE] WELL, IT SEEMS
OUR OPTIONS ARE LIMITED.

ARE YOU FAMILIAR
WITH RITA MAE BROWN?

WOW.

[TOM SERVO] HERE.
LET ME ADJUST YOUR AURA.

ERRR...

-VICTOR!
-GET AN INTERCOM.

VICTOR!

[TOM SERVO] IN A MINUTE.
♪ [HUMMING]

- WHAT?
- WELL, YOU TOOK LONG ENOUGH.

YOU CRUMPLED OLD BINT.

THE LAWYER WILL SEE YOU
IN THE MORNING.

I TOLD HIM YOU WERE
GOING TO CHANGE YOUR WILL.

[MIKE] HERE.
CAREFUL OF THIS STEP HERE! [GRUNTS]

[ALL IMITATING BODY
THUDDING DOWN STAIRS]

YOU'LL HAVE TO CHECK
THE BASEMENT DOOR. IT BROKE LOOSE.

OH, MY LIFE IS GETTING
MORE INTERESTING BY THE MINUTE.

TALIA SHIRE IS SQUEAKY FROMME.

[MIKE PANTING]
IT'S EVIL HERE. RUN!

OH, HI.
YOUR RECEPTIONIST LET US IN.

[TOM SERVO] HI.

YOU'VE FAILED.

OH, YOU GOT ONE OF THOSE, HUH?

[MIKE] OH, MEOW.

[TOM SERVO CHUCKLES]

OH, ISN'T IT CUTE?
YES, IT IS.

- [MEOWS]
- HELLO. YES.

- IT'S LIZZ WINSTEAD.
- SHE THINKS SHE'S A CAT!

[MIKE] AND I JUST BOUGHT
NEW FURNITURE!

NICE KITTY.

PICK HER UP BY THE NAPE.

- [MIKE] EW.
- [SNARLING]

[TOM SERVO] GREAT.
SHE'S A SIAMESE TOO.

CLEAN MY LITTER BOX.

- [HISSES]
- [MIKE] OH! JUMP-STARTED GRANDMA.

WELL, I SEE YOU STILL RESENT
THE WAY MRS. MARCH TREATS YOU.

- I CAN'T SAY THAT I BLAME YOU.
- [CHUCKLES]

KITTY'S ALWAYS BEEN
VERY FOND OF ME. DON'T YOU?

- [PURRING]
- [TOM SERVO] SHE'S GOT EAR MITES.

DOES SHE HAVE ALL THE INSTINCTS
OF A CAT?

- WITH HALF THE CALORIES.
- WATCH.

[MIKE] SHE HAD HER SHOTS?

THIS MOUSE HAS THE BRAIN
OF NEWT GINGRICH. NOW EAT!

[MIKE] RUNNERS, TAKE YOUR MARKS.

[SNARLING]

[TOM SERVO] SOMEBODY HELP ME!
OH, GOD!

- [SNARLING CONTINUES]
- [TOM SERVO] OW! OOH! [MUTTERS]

[MIKE, MUFFLED SHOUTING]

TASTE IT ALL.

- SHE ATE IT.
- [MIKE] I WANTED IT.

[IMITATING CHEWING, GULPS]

[TOM SERVO] OH.

- HEY, IT'S NORMA DESMOND'S HOUSE.
- [TOM SERVO] OH.

♪ [FLUTE]

[MIKE] PRELUDE TO THE AFTERNOON
OF A SEXUALLY AROUSED GAS MASK.

[TOM SERVO] I DON'T FEEL DEAD.
ACTUALLY, I FEEL PRETTY GOOD.

[MIKE] I SORT OF THINK,
THEREFORE I SORT OF AM.

[TOM SERVO] DIVORCED,
HARASSED BY CREDITORS.

- BEA.
- LORNA LUFT GAZES OUT THE WINDOW.

- IS THAT ANITA?
- [TOM SERVO] THE REAL ANITA HILL?

- WHERE? OH, I DON'T THINK SO.
- [MIKE WHISPERS] SORRY.

I'M LOOKING
FOR THE MANOS SET.

[MIKE IMITATING GRUNTING]

GOING UPHILL IS HARD
WHEN YOU'RE DEAD.

[GRUNTING]

THINK SHE'S DEAD ON HER FEET.

- [LAUGHING]
- OHH.

SORRY.

[CROW] HMM?

♪ UH, JUMP THE ONE YOU'RE WITH,
OH, YEAH ♪

[BEA]
LOOK OUT!

[SCREAMS]

[GASPS]

SOMEBODY HELP HER!

[MIKE] I'LL SAVE YOU, NELL!

- ♪ [TOM SERVO HUMMING]
- [CREATURE GROWLING]

[TOM SERVO] WHAT-- ALF, NO!

[MIKE LAUGHING]
ALF.

OH, GET THE HOSE! OH, JEEZ,
I SHOULD'VE HAD HIM FIXED.

[DR. FRANK]
BACK, HANS! BACK!

- [TOM SERVO] HMM?
- [MIKE] PERSONA.

- INTERIORS.
- SAME THING.

[GROWLING]

I'M VISIBLY REACTING.

[GROWLING CONTINUES]

[TOM SERVO] COME ON. BACK IT UP,
BUDDY. LET'S SEE SOME I.D.

[MIKE] IT'S SO WEIRD WHEN PEOPLE
DRESS UP THEIR DOGS.

- [CHUCKLES]
- HANS. HANS!

HE'S SPEAKING IN TONGUES.
[LAUGHS]

[MIKE] HMM, I'D LIKE A DOG.

[LAUGHS] LOOK AT HIS FEET.
HE'S STILL A PUPPY.

[MIKE MUTTERS]

[TOM SERVO]
♪ SO WE CHANGE PARTNERS ♪

[CROW] HUH?

GEE, DO YOU THINK HE'LL CHEW
HIS OWN HEAD OFF?

I STILL THINK
YOU SHOULD'VE LOCKED THEM UP.

THEY'RE NOT ABOUT
TO LEAVE THIS HOUSE

AFTER WHAT THEY'VE WITNESSED.
THEY KNOW HANS IS OUTSIDE THERE.

[TOM SERVO]
PASS THE CARAMELIZED ONIONS.

[SMACKS LIPS]

SO, MORE BLOOD?

[MIKE] I HOPE THERE'S NO SPOTS
ON THE WINE GLASSES.

EVEN IF WE COULD GET PAST
THAT CREATURE OUTSIDE,

THERE'S STILL
THE ELECTRIC FENCE.

- [CROW] OOH.
- THE PHONE'S DEAD.

CAN'T GET HELP THAT WAY.

- [MIKE] THIS IS THE FEMALE PAPILLON.
- PAPIETTE.

- IF WE COULD GET THE CAR--
- WE COULD GO FOR A DRIVE.

THAT'S IT! VICTOR!

VICTOR?

HE LIKES ME, I GUESS.

[MIKE] BUT I'M SEEING
CLAUS VON BÜLOW.

IF YOU COULD GET
THE KEYS FROM HIM...

[MIKE WHISPERING GIBBERISH]

- BÜLOW, ROCHESTER!
- [WHISPERS] AAHHH.

- HEY.
- [TOM SERVO] HELLO, MARY.

I WAS HAVING
A LITTLE NIGHTCAP.

[MIKE] AND IT GOT OUT OF HAND.

[TOM SERVO] WHOA,
SHE'S GONNA PULL A GROIN MUSCLE.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE,
PINCHING ME?

WELL...
[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS] THAT MAGOO.
YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.

MAYBE YOU'D LIKE SOME COMPANY.
SOMEONE LIKE ME?

[MIKE] WHOA.
HOW'S THE TUMBLER OF SCOTCH?

- YEAH.
- [MIKE WHISTLES]

THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.

[TOM SERVO] OH, I HAVEN'T MADE LOVE
TO A WOMAN WITH TEETH IN SO LONG.

DON'T YOU LIKE ME, VICTOR?

OH, IF YOU WERE ONLY 80.
[CHUCKLES, MUTTERS]

[MIKE] OH, THERE'S NOTHING LIKE
THE FEEL OF A REAL HIP.

[TOM SERVO] MMM, YOU TASTE
LIKE A WOOLWORTH'S COUNTER.

WAIT.

[MIKE] I WANT YOU TO DRESS
IN LEDERHOSEN.

[TOM SERVO] OHHH.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[TOM SERVO] HMM.

HANS IS CHAINED.

- LET'S GO OUTSIDE.
- OUTSIDE?

[MIKE] LET'S PLAY
SOME SHUFFLEBOARD.

I THINK I'D LIKE THAT.

[MIKE] THEN WE CAN TAKE A REAL LONG
TIME TO WRITE A CHECK SOMEWHERE.

♪

OH, GOD, THEY'RE GONNA SING!

[TOM SERVO] MR. AND MRS. BRIDGE.

[MIKE] WAS IT MY RIPPLING GLUTEALS
THAT DID IT TO YOU?

[TOM SERVO CHUCKLES]

THE JOB ISN'T SO BAD
IF YOU KNOW HOW TO HANDLE IT.

KNOCK BACK A FEW, CLOSE MY EYES,
AND THINK OF ENGLAND.

[MRS. MARCH]
VICTOR! VICTOR!

[TOM SERVO] AW, CRIPES,
MISS HAVISHAM NEEDS ME.

[MIKE] I GOTTA GO SERVICE GRANDMA.

[TOM SERVO] OH!

♪ [MIKE HUMMING]

BLIMEY, I HOPE I DON'T
GET ATTACKED OUT HERE

WHEN I'M ALL ALONE,
WEARING MY SPIKE HEELS.

WALKING THROUGH
ALL THIS TALL GRASS

WOULD MAKE ME
PARTICULARLY UNSTABLE

SHOULD ANYTHING HAPPEN,
LIKE I'M ATTACKED.

I ONLY ASSUME THERE ISN'T
SOME KIND OF MUTILATED HELL BEAST

RUNNING AROUND THAT MAYBE COULD
SHRED ME PITILESSLY. [CHUCKLES]

[GROWLING SOFTLY]

[MIKE] AH, HERE'S SOMETHING THAT
CAN CAUSE ME IRREPARABLE DAMAGE.

- [HISSES]
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?

ANITA, WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU?

DON'T YOU KNOW ME?

ANITA, LISTEN TO ME. IT'S--
[SCREAMING]

- WELL, THE HECK WITH YOU, THEN.
- [HISSES]

[TOM SERVO] OOH.

MM, I WISH I WAS
HARRY CONNICK'S GIRLFRIEND.

[MIKE] I'LL NEVER
GET TO THE PYRENEES.

[HANS GROWLING]

I HEAR WILLIAM CONRAD.

[TOM SERVO] I THINK
IT'S THE DOBERMAN GANG.

- [TOM SERVO] STELLA! WOOF, WOOF.
- [GROWLING CONTINUES]

STELLA!

[TOM SERVO] HMM?

ANITA!

WE GOT CATS.

STAY RIGHT THERE.
DON'T MOVE.

I'M COMING.

♪ [IMITATING SOUNDTRACK MUSIC]

[TOM SERVO] OH, BOY, OH, BOY!
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED A PET.

SHE'S TRAINED,
AND SHE WEARS MY SIZE. [LAUGHS]

♪ [UPBEAT]

[TOM SERVO] ♪ THERE'S A GIRL ON THE
ROOF AND SHE THINKS SHE'S A CAT ♪

[MIKE] ♪ SHE THINKS SHE'S A CAT
BUT SHE'S NOT, NO, SHE'S NOT ♪

[TOM SERVO] ♪ THERE'S A GIRL ON THE
ROOF AND SHE THINKS SHE'S A CAT ♪

[MIKE] ♪ BUT SHE AIN'T NO CAT,
NO, SHE AIN'T NO CAT ♪

[TOM SERVO] ♪ ARE YOU SURE, ARE YOU
SURE, ARE YOU SURE, ARE YOU SURE ♪

- [MIKE] ♪ SHE IS NOT A CAT, YOU KNOW ♪
- [TOM SERVO] ♪ SHE IS NOT A CAT ♪

[MIKE] ♪ SHE IS JUST FROM MEXICO ♪

- [TOM SERVO] ♪ MEXICO ♪
- ♪ SHE'S NOT A CAT ♪

♪ AND THAT IS THAT ♪

[TOM SERVO] ♪ SHE'S NOT A... ♪

THE "CAT SUITE" FROM CAROUSEL.

[SNARLING]

[MIKE] ANITA, IF I CALL
THE FIRE DEPARTMENT AGAIN,

- THEY'LL START LAUGHING.
- ANITA.

WHERE EAGLES DARE.

[SNARLING CONTINUES]

HMM? OH, IT'S JOEY RAMONE!
[CHUCKLES]

WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

[NINA]
ANITA, LET ME HELP YOU.

[MIKE] I KNOW A VET IN TOWN.

SHE'S A CAT WHO BITES HER NAILS.

[HISSES]

♪ [WHISTLING]

- [GROWLING]
- ♪ [CONTINUES]

- [MIKE] THAT IS INDIGESTION.
- ANITA, WAIT.

TO CATCH A CAT.

[SNARLING]

I'LL CATCH YOU.
[CHUCKLES]

I'LL CATCH YOU. WOOF.

[SNORTS]

- [GROWLING]
- TAKE MY HAND.

I'M A STRANGER IN PARADISE.

SO, DID THEY PUT STUFFING
AROUND THE CAT BRAIN

SO IT WOULDN'T RATTLE AROUND
INSIDE HER SKULL?

GOTTA GO WALKIES,
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! WALKIES!

[GROWLING]

THIS IS NO GOOD.
WE'RE ON TOP OF THE MONUMENT.

- ♪ [HUMMING]
- ANITA.

- [HISSES]
- ANITA!

- [SCREAMS]
- [CHUCKLES]

[MIKE] AND SHE FLOATS GENTLY
TO HER DEATH.

- AH.
- [TOM SERVO] EW.

WELL, SO MUCH FOR
THE "LANDING ON YOUR FEET" THEORY.

OOH, THAT'S A NICE BATHROBE SHE'S
GOT THERE, WITH THE FLOWER PRINT.

- [MIKE] LOVELY.
- [CROW MUTTERING]

- ...THE HUMAN EYE.
- [NINA] FRANK?

[MIKE] OH, YOU JUST POP IT IN
AND SEE STUFF.

[TOM SERVO] OH, HI.
UH, I, UH, KILLED YOUR CAT.

I'M SORRY.

SHE'S UNCONSCIOUS,
BUT SHE'LL LIVE.

- NO.
- SHE WILL LIVE.

- [TOM SERVO] NO.
- ANITA WON'T. SHE'S DEAD.

AW, NUTS. WAIT HERE.

NINA, DEAR,
COME ALONG WITH US NOW.

IT'S ALEXANDER'S RAGTIME BAND.

YOU'VE HAD A BAD SHOCK.

GET OUT OF HERE, BOTH OF YOU.

- WELL, IT'S MY HOUSE.
- SHE'S STAYING WITH ME.

THAT'S MARTIN BALSAM UP THERE.

- [TOM SERVO] HMM?
- I SWEAR.

WHOA, LOOK AT HER RUN.
ZOOM.

[IMITATES CAR PASSING BY]

TIME ELAPSED.
JUST TAKE OUR WORD FOR IT.

♪ [MIKE HUMMING]

SO, HOW'S OUR LITTLE
SANDY DUNCAN TODAY, HMM?

OW.

WHY DON'T YOU
DO SOMETHING FOR HER?

I'VE DONE WHAT I CAN FOR NOW.

LATER, AN OPERATION
MIGHT BE POSSIBLE.

YOU KNOW, BEAUTY IS IN
THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER-- OH!

I'M PRESERVING THE EYE.
LET ME SHOW YOU. COME OVER HERE.

[TOM SERVO] JEEZ, THEY'RE FUSING
SPECIES LEFT AND RIGHT,

AND THEY CAN'T
GIVE HER AN EYEBALL?

- [MIKE] IT'S A MARTINIZER.
- [ELECTRICITY ARCING]

THE CELLULAR STRUCTURE'S

BEING KEPT ALIVE
BY THESE ELECTRICAL VIBRATIONS.

- COOL, HUH?
- I USE THE SAME PRINCIPLE

IN KEEPING THAT HAND ALIVE.

[TOM SERVO] EAT AT JOE'S.
EAT AT JOE'S. EAT AT JOE'S.

NINA'S A VERY LUCKY GIRL.

SHE'S GOT ME FOR A DOCTOR.

- YOU THINK THAT IRONICAL?
- "IRONICAL"?

LET ME EXPLAIN.

ABC-DEF-GHI-JKL-MNOP-QRSTUV-WXYZ.

I'M THE ONLY MAN ALIVE TODAY

CAPABLE OF RESTORING
YOUR FRIEND'S SIGHT.

AND I'M VERY EXCITED ABOUT IT.

DR. ALEXIS CARREL,
WHO PIONEERED

THE TRANSPLANTING
OF VITAL HUMAN ORGANS...

[MIKE] DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO
CLENCH YOUR TEETH WHEN YOU TALK?

...KEPT AN ANIMAL'S HEART ALIVE
FOR MANY YEARS.

BUT I'M BORING YOU.

FOR THIS,
HE RECEIVED THE NOBEL PRIZE.

[TOM SERVO] I GOT
A PEOPLE'S CHOICE AWARD.

AND I, WHO HAVE
SO FAR SURPASSED HIS EFFORT--

SURELY YOU DON'T WANT TO COMPARE
YOURSELF WITH DR. CARREL?

HE WAS HUMANE.

I, TOO,
FIGHT TO PRESERVE LIFE

AND TO FIND THE MEANS TO IMPROVE
THE LIVES OF FUTURE GENERATIONS.

[MIKE] BUT I KILL PEOPLE.

YOUR VIEWPOINT
IS THAT NARROW, IGNORANT ONE

HELD BY
THE MEDICAL SOCIETY TODAY,

WHICH FORCES ME TO WORK
IN A PLACE LIKE THIS,

TO GIVE IN TO THE WHIMS
OF A FOOLISH OLD WOMAN,

BECAUSE SHE CAN SUPPLY ME
WITH THE FUNDS I NEED

TO CONTINUE MY WORK.

- [TOM SERVO] WOW.
- YOU THINK I DON'T CRY? I CRY.

[MOANING]

♪ SHE'S JUST
A POP-EYED OCULIST ♪

- NINA?
- YES, BEA?

I-- I CAN'T SEE. WHY--

WELL, YOU HAVE A DIAPER
ON YOUR FACE, DEAR.

- SOMETHING HAPPENED.
- DON'T THINK ABOUT IT NOW.

"DON'T THINK ABOUT IT"?

ARE YOU LISTENING?
THIS IS IMPORTANT.

YES?

WE MUST BE READY
IF A CHANCE COMES.

I REMEMBER NOW.
IT WAS ANITA.

- [TOM SERVO] WHAT'S GOING ON?
- SHE--

OH, MY EYE! MY EYE!

- MY EYE! [SOBBING]
- OH, SHE'S GOT PHYLLIS DILLER-ITIS.

[MIKE] OH, WHOOPS. THAT WAS
WINDOW CLEANER. OH, SORRY.

BETTER LEAVE.
GIVE THIS A CHANCE TO TAKE EFFECT.

[CRYING]

I'M A DOCTOR.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF HER.

[IMITATING DR. McCOY
FROM STAR TREK] JIM.

I'M SURE YOU WILL
TAKE EXCELLENT CARE OF HER

UNTIL YOUR PLANS CALL
FOR SOMETHING ELSE.

OR AM I TO BE
THE NEXT ONE, DOCTOR?

OR SHOULD I SAY,
HERR DOKTOR?

- A SELZNICK--
- HEY. HEY.

OH.

GREYSTOKE: THE
DESTRUCTION OF JARED-SYN.

- [LAUGHING]
- THERE.

- GOT ALL THE CLOTHES?
- YES.

AND MADE MY HAIR APPOINTMENT?

I TOOK CARE OF EVERYTHING
ON YOUR LIST

WHILE YOU WERE TALKING
WITH THE LAWYER.

[MIKE] DID YOU PICK UP
MY CANDY PANTS?

HAIR APPOINTMENT-- MONDAY, 10:00
A.M., CHARLES OF THE RITZ...

[IMITATING RICHARD NIXON]
I AM NOT A CROOK.

...UNDER NINA'S NAME.

♪ [IMITATES DRAMATIC FLOURISH]

I WANT NINA
TO MODEL THESE LATER,

AFTER I'VE RESTED.

YOU TELL HER.

[MIKE] YEAH, FINE, MRS. PYNCHON.

DO ANYTHING FOR YOU.

HMM, NOT ENOUGH VINEGAR
IN THE WATER.

STREAKS, HMM.

- THEY'RE BACK.
- [TOM SERVO] WITH NEW OUTFITS!

I'LL HAVE TO LEAVE YOU NOW.

REMEMBER, I'M GOING TO TRY
TO GET US OUT OF HERE TONIGHT.

[MIKE] STAY ALIVE,
WHATEVER MAY OCCUR.

FORGET ABOUT ME.
I WON'T GO.

WELL, THAT'LL MAKE IT EASIER.

BEA, DON'T TALK LIKE THAT.

[MIKE] I'VE BEEN MEANING
TO TELL YOU THAT THE WHOLE MOVIE.

UH, ISN'T SHE WEARING
HER HEADBAND A LITTLE LOW?

- [TOM SERVO] SELZNICK INTER--
- [MIKE SHUSHING]

- MRS. MARCH DIDN'T REALIZE...
- [ROBOTS] AAH!

...HER NEW BODY HAD
SUCH A SATISFACTORY SHAPE.

PERHAPS NOT AS SPECTACULAR
AS THE ENGLISH GIRL,

- ...BUT IN EXCELLENT TASTE.
- WOW.

SHE COULDN'T HELP BEING AMUSED.

THE STUPID GIRL
WAS NOT ONLY MODELING

MRS. MARCH'S FUTURE WARDROBE...

[MIKE, ROBOTS
CHATTERING QUIETLY]

- [CROW] IT'S A MOVIE FOR ME!
- [MIKE] NO.

SO FIRM, SO NICELY ROUNDED
IN PLACES MEN LIKE.

[MAGIC VOICE]
MIKE?

CROW? SERVO?

WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

SURE GETS LONELY
BEING MAGIC VOICE.

I WISH THERE WAS ANOTHER
DISEMBODIED VOICE AROUND HERE

I COULD TALK TO.

[FILM NARRATOR] WELL, SOMETIMES
IT'S CONVENIENT TO HAVE A MAN,

ESPECIALLY WHEN HE COMES
CHEAPER THAN SERVANTS.

HEY, YOU'RE THE VOICE-OVER GUY
FROM TODAY'S MOVIE.

TELL ME, WHAT DO YOU LIKE?
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE HOBBY?

MAKING LOVE
TO AN 80-YEAR-OLD WOMAN

IN THE BODY
OF A 20-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

EW! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?

SHE WAS QUITE HARMLESS
AND, AT TIMES, EVEN AMUSING.

YOU KNOW, I ONLY MET YOU
A FEW SECONDS AGO,

BUT YOU'RE REALLY YUCKY.

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE
WHAT YOU THINK OF ME.

SO FIRM, SO NICELY ROUNDED
IN PLACES MEN LIKE.

THAT'S IT.
GET LOST, LOSER.

JEEZ. FROM NOW ON,
I'M GONNA FORGET ABOUT ROMANCE

AND JUST GET LOST IN MY WORK.

COMMERCIAL SIGN IN FIVE,
FOUR, THREE, TWO--

COMMERCIAL SIGN NOW.
MEN!

- ♪ [TOM SERVO HUMMING]
- YOU MIGHT HAVE KNOCKED

WHEN YOU CAME IN, VICTOR.

- I MIGHT HAVE, YEAH.
- I'M SORRY.

DON'T STOP YOUR STYLE SHOW
ON MY ACCOUNT.

DOES MY, UH... AGED LOOK
DISTURB YOU?

- HETTY, THAT'S UNKIND.
- SHUT UP.

THE BLOOM IS DEFINITELY
OFF THE ROSE.

YOU SEE, IT'S HARD FOR A VAIN,
STUPID MAN TO REALIZE

THAT HE HOLDS NO ATTRACTION

- FOR A LOVELY YOUNG GIRL.
- [TOM SERVO] OOH, BURN.

[MIKE] WELL, I CAN SEE
WHERE IT WOULD BE--

YOU'RE NOT NEEDED NOW, VICTOR.

CLOSE THE DOOR QUIETLY
WHEN YOU GO OUT.

I'M NOT GOING
TO BE NEEDED AT ALL.

- NOPE.
- THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, ISN'T IT?

- AFTER TOMORROW, WHEN--
- VICTOR!

[TOM SERVO] SIT!

THAT'S ENOUGH! GET OUT!

[TOM SERVO] NOT IN FRONT OF
THE WHITE SLAVE.

IT'S THE WAY IT'S GOING TO BE
WHEN WHAT?

[MIKE] UH, WHEN WE HAVE THE PICNIC,
WHICH IS... [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

THROWN AWAY LIKE AN OLD SHOE.
POOR OLD VICTOR.

[MRS. MARCH]
DON'T ASK TIRESOME QUESTIONS.

- [MIKE] I COULD SNAP YOUR NECK.
- THAT WILL BE ENOUGH FOR TONIGHT.

I WANT US BOTH TO GET SOME REST.
TRY TO SLEEP.

- BUT, MRS. MARCH--
- THAT'S AN ORDER!

DO AS I SAY!

[MIKE] YOU'RE GONNA PUT
YOUR BRAIN IN ME, AREN'T YOU?

I JUST KNOW IT.

[MOCK GRUNTING]

I SHOULD GET THE LARGER BOTTLES.
MORE ECONOMICAL.

[TOM SERVO] VIC, HI.

THERE'S SOMEONE
WHO WANTS MONEY AT THE DOOR.

[SLURRED] YOU'RE NOT LOOKING FOR
ME, ARE YOU?

WHY WOULD A PRETTY YOUNG GIRL
WANT TO BE AROUND AN OLD MAN?

[MIKE, SLURRED GIBBERISH]

WHAT DID YOU TRY
TO TELL MRS. MARCH?

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO SLEEP WITH THE
CRYPTKEEPER EVERY NIGHT LIKE ME.

SO THAT'S WHAT YOU
PLANNED TO DO--

GET RID OF OLD VICTOR
ONCE YOU GET ALL THAT MONEY.

- [TOM SERVO] I'M DRUNK.
- THE ONLY THING IS,

OF COURSE,
IT WON'T REALLY BE YOU.

[MIKE] WHAT WILL I DO
WITH A LITTLE IMPLANT NOW?

- OH!
- VICTOR, PLEASE TELL ME.

- TRY TO MAKE SENSE.
- I AM TELLING YOU.

TOMORROW, YOU'LL BE ONE OF
THE RICHEST WOMEN IN THE WORLD.

YOU'RE GONNA BE OPRAH.

HERE'S A PRESS RELEASE.
IT'S IN THE MAILS NOW.

TO ALL THE MAJOR
NEWS SYNDICATES.

"ORPHAN GIRL SOLE HEIR
TO MARCH MILLIONS."

- [MIKE] AND BRAIN.
- "NINA RHODES IS A LUCKY STAR."

WELL, THIS IS
A TERRIBLE PRESS RELEASE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THE NEXT PRESS RELEASE
WILL BE:

"MARCH MANSION
DESTROYED BY FIRE.

CINDERELLA GIRL, NINA RHODES,

SOLE SURVIVOR."

- ONLY IT WON'T BE YOU.
- IS THIS WHAT'S KNOWN

AS SINGING LIKE A CANARY?

- YES.
- IT'S A PITY TOO.

YOU'RE NICE THE WAY YOU ARE.

[MIKE] I'M DRUNK!

PLEASE DON'T LET IT HAPPEN.

YOU COULD HELP ME AND BEA
GET AWAY.

OKAY. I WILL.

WHEN YOU'RE A RICH WOMAN,

YOU WOULDN'T FORGET
AN OLD FRIEND,

A FRIEND WHO SAVED YOUR LIFE,
WOULD YOU?

[TOM SERVO] UH, GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE.

- OH...
- OH, NO. HELP ME TO THE BATHROOM.

GET OUT TO THE CAR
AND STAY THERE.

VICTOR, BEA TOO.
BEA MUST COME TOO.

- [TOM SERVO] BUT, I'M SOBER NOW.
- ONE MINUTE.

[MIKE] HEY.

[TOM SERVO] SO, MIKE,
WHERE'S THE ATOMIC BRAIN?

[MIKE] I DON'T KNOW.

[MIKE] DEAR HELOISE,

HERE'S A TIP FOR ORGANIZING
YOUR SPICE RACK.

[TOM SERVO] HUH?

[MIKE] JAR LIDS SCREWED ONTO A LAZY
SUSAN WILL ADEQUATELY SUFFICE.

SIGN THIS.

[MIKE] SIGN THE PEN?

HURRY.

[MIKE] OW, OW, OW, OW.
DON'T SIGN THE HAND.

OW!

OH, MY ULCER'S ACTING UP.

[TOM SERVO] OH, OH.
LET'S SEE HERE.

"LICK ME, FAT BOY."
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!

[MIKE IN FOREIGN ACCENT]
VERY INTERESTING.

♪ [HARPSICHORD]

THELONIOUS.

[TOM SERVO] LOOKS LIKE
ROY SCHEIDER.

[MIKE LAUGHS]

[MIKE] DEAR MRS. MARCH,
BY THE TIME I READ THIS,

YOU'LL BE DEAD.

I'M GOING TO KILL
TREVOR PINNOCK!

♪ [CONTINUES]

[TOM SERVO] LORD, I KNOW
I HAVEN'T BEEN THE BEST GIGOLO,

BUT I'VE BEEN THE BEST GIGOLO
I KNOW HOW.

KNIT ONE, PURL DIE!

[STAMMERS]

OH, GOT A NEEDLE STUCK IN MY NECK.

[TOM SERVO] OH, THAT WAS
MY FAVORITE DARNING NEEDLE.

DARN!

[MIKE] HI. I'M DARREN McGAVIN.

HEY, YOU COULD DO
A CHIN PUPPET ON HIM, MIKE.

- CHIN...
- [TOM SERVO] EAT STEEL, LOVER BOY.

BEA, YOU'VE GOT
TO COME WITH ME.

NO. I WON'T GO.

I DON'T WANT TO GO ON
LIVING LIKE THIS.

BY THE WAY, I'M BEHIND YOU.

I'LL GET VICTOR TO HELP ME,
AND WE WILL CARRY YOU.

[MIKE] YEAH, WELL, ANYWAY, IT'S SO
COMFORTING TO HAVE YOU HERE.

THANKS FOR STAYING.

- [SCREAMS]
- DOH!

NO, NO. DON'T BE ALARMED.
JUST DOING MY YOGA.

[MRS. MARCH] WANT SOMETHING FROM
VICTOR, DEAR?

- SIT DOWN, MY DEAR.
- WHERE IS SHE?

I'M AFRAID YOU'RE WEARING YOURSELF
OUT WITH ALL THIS RUSHING AROUND.

- AH.
- I DON'T LIKE THAT.

[NINA] YOU REALIZE SHE'S MAD,
DON'T YOU, DR. FRANK?

- RELAX.
- [MRS. MARCH] HURRY, DOCTOR.

YOU'VE GOT SNOTOMS.

I'LL BE READY FOR YOU SHORTLY,
MRS. MARCH.

[MRS. MARCH]
I'LL BE WAITING.

- [TOM SERVO IMITATES WHIRRING]
- [MIKE] BLOOP.

MRS. PARTRIDGE.

- I LIKE HER.
- OH. [MUTTERS]

WHAT ARE THE ODDS
WE BOTH GO DOWN

WITH HIP POINTERS
ON THE SAME DAY?

FINALLY ABOUT TO HAPPEN.

WHAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN?

YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT IT'S BEEN LIKE FOR ME,

LIVING WITH THIS UGLY BODY
OF MINE.

- [MIKE] OH, HERE COMES THE DIATRIBE.
- [SIGHS]

KNOWING THAT ANY ATTENTION
I RECEIVED

WAS NOT FOR ME
BUT MY MONEY.

- YEAH, AND YOUR BUNS OF STEEL.
- [CROW WHISPERING]

- WELL, NOBODY GOT ANY OF IT.
- [TOM SERVO WHISPERING]

NO.

WELL, LET'S HAVE AT IT THEN.

I'VE NEVER KNOWN WHAT IT WAS LIKE
TO BE LOVED...

[MIKE] OH, GOD!
[SIGHS]

...FOR MYSELF ALONE.

WHY DID YOU KILL VICTOR,
MRS. MARCH?

- VICTOR?
- VICTOR? WHICH ONE WAS HE?

VICTOR WAS A FOOL!

[TOM SERVO] OKAY.
I WAS JUST WONDERING.

I'M A PRACTICAL WOMAN,
DR. FRANK.

NOW LOP MY HEAD OFF.

A BUSINESSWOMAN.

I'VE NEVER BEEN
A VERY PRACTICAL PERSON.

I SUPPOSE THAT MAKES ME
A FOOL, TOO, IN YOUR EYES.

- OF COURSE NOT!
- RELAX, MRS. MARCH.

[MIKE] NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW,
DON'T LEVITATE NOW.

NOW, LET'S MAKE SURE THERE'S
A NICE BIG AIR BUBBLE IN HERE.

- [GASPS]
- OH, THAT'S GOOD.

IT'S LIKE I'M KISSING GOD.
OH, YES. OH!

YOU'RE IN GOOD HANDS.

- SHE HAD GIZZARDS IN HER HEAD.
- [ELECTRICITY ARCING]

OH, I GOT A BRAIN
LEFT OVER NOW.

SEE? HER CEREBELLUM--
ALL RUSTED HERE.

[TOM SERVO] YEAH.

- [MIKE] OH, IT'S GRISTLY THE CAT.
- MEOW.

- [ARCING CONTINUES]
- [LIQUID BUBBLING]

HALFWAY THROUGH THIS,
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING.

[IMITATING LIQUID BUBBLING]

[TOM SERVO] SO, ANYWAY, NINA,
AM I BORING YOU?

JUST TELL ME, WILL YOU? I...

[MIKE] YOU KNOW, GUYS,
I WANNA GO TO EGYPT.

SEE THE SIGHTS.

[DR. FRANK, MUFFLED SOUNDING]
WAKING UP, ARE YOU? GOOD.

- I WANNA TALK TO YOU.
- IS HE EATING A SANDWICH?

[MIKE IMITATING CHOMPING SOUNDS]

[SMACKS LIPS]

YOU SIGNED A PAPER MAKING VICTOR
YOUR LEGAL GUARDIAN.

THAT'S RIGHT, ISN'T IT?

I DID SIGN SOMETHING, DIDN'T I?

- [TOM SERVO] MM-HMM.
- THAT WOULD PROBABLY

- WORK AS WELL FOR ME.
- [MIKE] STOP.

WE COULD STAY HERE.

NONE OF THIS
WOULD HAVE TO BE DESTROYED.

[TOM SERVO] WE'D GET A COUCH
AND MAYBE SOME PICTURES.

- YOU'RE DOING BETTER, AREN'T YOU?
- [MEOWS]

WHY DON'T YOU TRY IT
ON YOUR OWN?

OH, WHY DON'T YOU HOP DOWN AND--
OH, YOU CAN'T.

I WANNA KNOW IF MRS. MARCH
DIDN'T INTEND BLOWING ME UP

ALONG WITH
ALL THE REST OF THIS.

HOW DOES THAT GUY
REACH HIS TIME CLOCK?

HE CAN'T EVEN PUNCH IN.
[GRUNTING]

YOU'RE A VERY WEALTHY WOMAN
NOW, NINA.

BUT YOU HAVE A PORPOISE BRAIN.

WHAT I MUST DECIDE IS HOW TO KEEP
YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS AVAILABLE

WITH THE LEAST AMOUNT
OF NUISANCE TO MYSELF.

- I COULD KEEP YOU UNDER SEDATION...
- [TOM SERVO] TRUE.

...UNTIL YOUR SIGNATURE
WAS REQUIRED.

YOU MAKE THE CALL.

OR I COULD REPLACE YOUR BRAIN
WITH ONE MORE AMENABLE.

[MIKE] YOU GOT ANYTHING
TO SAY ABOUT THAT?

JUST JUMP IN ANYTIME.

WHAT ABOUT MRS. MARCH, DOCTOR?

MRS. MARCH NO LONGER
HAS A THING TO SAY.

- SHE DRINKS FROM A BOWL.
- DO YOU, MY DEAR?

SHE'S TOO BUSY LICKING HER BUTT.

COMPLETELY RECOVERED, I'D SAY.
HOW DO YOU FEEL?

- [SNARLS, HISSES]
- [MIKE] DON'T PATRONIZE ME!

[TOM SERVO] I'M MAD.

I GUESS A TRANSPLANT WOULD BE
BETTER. IT WON'T HURT.

AND THE PRICE IS REALLY NOT
AS BAD AS YOU THINK.

[ELECTRICITY ARCING]

♪ [TOM SERVO WHISTLING]

DR. FRANK HAD ENJOYED
THIS TRANSPLANTATION--

MRS. MARCH'S BRAIN WINDING UP
IN THE BODY OF A CAT.

[MIKE] HEY, VOICE-OVER GUY,
I'M TRYING TO WORK.

POETIC JUSTICE TO THINK
OF AUTOCRATIC MRS. MARCH

SCAVENGING IN BACK-ALLEY
GARBAGE CANS FOR HER DINNER.

I THINK I GOT ANOTHER BRAIN
IN THE STOREROOM HERE.

- [DOOR THUDS LOUDLY]
- HUH?

[YOWLING SOFTLY]

BUT MRS. MARCH DOESN'T
TAKE THINGS LYING DOWN.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

[YOWLING CONTINUES]

[TOM SERVO] HUH? THE HELL--

- IN A CAMEO APPEARANCE...
- [TOM SERVO CHUCKLES]

NOW, SEE, THIS IS WHY
I DON'T LIKE CATS.

[TOM SERVO LAUGHS]

THEY'LL BLOW UP
A NUCLEAR PILE ON YOU.

[TOM SERVO] PLEASE, NO--
YOU FORGOT THE FABRIC SOFTENER.

- [DOOR RATTLING]
- [COUGHING]

MORE MILK EVERY NIGHT.
TUNA. LOTS OF TUNA.

COME ON. COME ON.

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

♪ [MIKE WHISTLING]

HE'S JUST IN A MACHINE SHED.

[TOM SERVO] I'LL SHRINK IF I'M DRIED!
OH!

WHOA. NINA,
YOU RUN INTO THE BED THERE?

YOU ALL RIGHT? NINA? NINA?

[TOM SERVO] OOH-AAH!
[LAUGHS]

YABBA-DABBA-DOO.
[LAUGHS]

KICK ME.

[MIKE] OKAY, OKAY. MY IMPRESSION
OF THE SCALES OF JUSTICE LADY.

WHERE ARE MY SCALES? THANK YOU.
I'M THE SCALES OF JUSTICE LADY.

[TOM SERVO] WHOA!
WAS SHE HIT BY A METEORITE?

WHOA.

[ELECTRICITY CONTINUES ARCING]

OH, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
YOU DRINK IN A HOT TUB, FOLKS.

[TOM SERVO] YEP, YEP.

OH! OH!

RADIATION ON AN OPEN SORE.
JUST LIKE LEMON JUICE.

[MIKE] OH, WELL,
THANKS FOR RESCUING ME.

BUT YOU COULD PUT A SHEET
OVER THAT THING. EW.

♪ [TOM SERVO IMITATING DRAMATIC
SOUNDTRACK MUSIC]

YOU'VE GOT JUST ENOUGH TIME
TO CHANGE YOUR PUMPS.

THEY'RE ALL WRONG.

OH, YOU KNOW, AS LONG AS I'M HERE,
I'M GONNA GRAB MY EYE. OOH!

[CRIES OUT]

- ♪ [HUMMING]
- [RUMBLING]

[TOM SERVO] ♪ JOSHUA FIT THE BATTLE
OF JERICHO ♪

- ♪ JERICHO ♪
- ♪ [HUMMING]

- [GROWLING]
- ♪ IT'S MY HEART THAT'S A-SUFFERIN' ♪

[MIKE] EW, HE DROOLED.

EHH. WHAT A DAY.

NOW SHE'LL STEP INTO A RAT TRAP,

GET HIT BY LIGHTNING,
MEET THE HUDSON BROTHERS.

[LAUGHS]

WELL, THERE GOES THAT THING.

[MIKE] OH, NO. TARA.

MRS. MARCH DID NOT INTEND
TO LET HER MONEY GET OUT OF SIGHT.

SHE WOULD FOLLOW THAT GIRL.

SOMETIME, SOMEPLACE,

REVENGE WOULD COME.

BUT THAT'S THE SUBJECT
OF THE SEQUEL.

IT'S IN DEVELOPMENT RIGHT NOW,
AND WE'VE GOT TO DO A MEMO AND...

I SUGGEST
THEY PLACATE THE OLD WOMAN

WITH A LITTLE FANCY FEAST.

- [TOM SERVO SHOUTING IN GERMAN]
- [MIKE SHOUTS]

[IMITATING GUNFIRE]

[MIKE]
THE 400 BLOWS.

[YOWLS]

[MIKE] PLEASE LET ME DIE.

OH, SHAME ON YOU,
JOSEPH MASCELLLI.

BAD DIRECTOR! BAD!
[GRUNTING]

THE 7:00 NEWS.

[MIKE] JACK POLLEXFEN.

YES, MRS. DWIGGINS.
[CHUCKLES]

END THE MOVIE, MRS. DWIGGINS.

OH, HE CAME UP WITH... ♪ [HUMMING
PART OF SOUNDTRACK MUSIC]

♪ [ROBOTS JOIN IN]

FINE. FINE. NO USE CALLING ATTENTION
TO YOURSELF.

JEEZ.

♪ [TOM SERVO
HUMMING SOUNDTRACK MUSIC]

[MIKE] I'M GONNA BE CHARITABLE AND
JUST SAY I HOPE ALL THESE PEOPLE

WERE FORCED TO DO THIS MOVIE
AT GUNPOINT.

NO, THEY CHOSE TO DO THIS MOVIE.

ALL EXCEPT FOR XERXES THE CAT.

YOU KNOW, XERXES WENT ON TO
A LONG AND EXTINGUISHED CAREER.

HE WAS A FAVORITE OF NICHOLAS
RAY'S, AND THEN HE APPEARS

COURTESY OF DAVID O. SELZNICK...

- ♪ [MIKE SINGING]
- MIKE! MIKE!

MI-MI-MI-MIKE!
[TRILLS]

- MIKE, MIKE, MIKE.
- YES, ELEANOR?

- READY?
- I WAS BORN READY.

OH, OKAY.
OH, KALOO KALAY.

- OKAY, TOM, HIT IT.
- READY.

[CLEARS THROAT]

DR. RICHARD KIMBLE
IS A FUGITIVE

ON THE RUN FROM THE LAW.

BUT IN ANOTHER PART
OF THE WORLD,

GREEN ACRES' HANK KIMBALL
IS ALSO ON THE RUN FROM THE LAW.

♪ [HUMMING]

AH, OH, UH, MR. NELSON,
UH, I'M ON THE RUN.

WELL, UH, NOT ACTUALLY
ON THE RUN.

I'M, UH, BEING PURSUED,
AND I'M WALKING QUICKLY.

YOU SEE,
I'M IN FLIGHT FROM THE LAW.

WELL, NOT THE WHOLE LAW. UH,
ACTUALLY, JUST PARTS OF THE LAW.

WHEN I SAY "PARTS,"
I SHOULD REALLY SAY "MEN."

NOT TO SAY THERE AREN'T WOMEN
IN THE POLICE FORCE.

THERE ARE SOME WOMEN.
I'M JUST NOT SURE OF THE RATIO.

I'M ALSO BEING FOLLOWED
BY A ONE-ARMED MAN,

OR A MAN WITH A PROSTHETIC ARM.

I'M SURE HE HAD TWO ARMS
WHEN HE WAS BORN.

WELL, THANKS VERY MUCH.
GOOD NIGHT.

- ♪ [HUMMING]
- BOY! MM!

- CROW BUDDY...
- WOW.

...YOU SET A STOOL DOWN
NEXT TO THAT PREMISE

AND JUST MILKED IT
FOR EVERYTHING IT WAS WORTH.

- MOO.
- WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- GOOD JOB, McCLOUD.
- OH.

OKAY.
WE GOT A BUNCH OF LETTERS.

- LETTERS. OH, I LOVE LETTERS.
- DELICIOUS LETTERS.

AND, UH-- WELL,
LET'S START WITH THIS ONE HERE.

THIS FIRST ONE'S
FROM ERIC HALLORAN.

PUT THAT UP ON STILL STORE THERE,
CAMBOT.

HI, ERIC.

ERIC SAYS,
"DEAR SATELLITE OF LOVE"--

WHICH IS A GOOD START--
"I'M A 13-YEAR-OLD BOY, AND"--

[MUTTERING]

- PLEASE. IT'S ANNOYING.
- SORRY.

EVERY TIME I READ THE PAPER--
"I'M WRITING TO SAY

I REALLY ENJOY THE SHOW,
AND I REALLY THINK IT'S A LAUGH RIOT."

- [LAUGHS]
- "I'M ALSO WRITING

TO ASK A QUESTION."
HERE WE GO.

"WHAT DOES THE 'K' STAND FOR
IN MST3K"?

UH, I GOT THIS ONE, MIKE.
[CLEARS THROAT]

ERIC, THE "K" STANDS FOR KARL.

KARL WAS THE MAN
WHO INVENTED LIGHTNING.

- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- LIGHTNING?

- YEAH. KARL.
- GOOD ANSWER.

ALL RIGHT.
WELL, LET'S MOVE ON HERE.

- OKAY.
- THIS ONE'S KIND OF A SPECIAL, UH--

CHECK THIS OUT. "JUST A LETTER
TO LET YOU KNOW"--

LET ME SEE.

THIS ONE'S FROM ANNE FELDSTEIN,
BY THE WAY.

- WHY DON'T YOU PUT THAT UP?
- HI, ANNE.

ANNE, THANK YOU FOR WRITING. "JUST
A LETTER TO LET YOU GUYS KNOW

- ...HOW MUCH I LOVE YOUR SHOW"--
- THANK YOU.

..."AND HOW I ESPECIALLY LOVE
TOMMY-GUN SERVO."

- WOW.
- "THIS IS MY FAVORITE AND I--

HE IS MY FAVORITE,
AND I LOVE HIS SONGS.

IF I COULD BE
ON THE SATELLITE OF LOVE,

I WOULD SIT AND TALK TO TOM
ALL DAY LONG."

- OH, ANNE. OH, SWEET ANNE.
- "DEVOTEDLY, ANNE FELDSTEIN."

- SMELL IT.
- WHO'S THAT FROM?

- UH, ANNE FELDSTEIN.
- OH, YEAH.

- FELDSTEIN. YEAH. YEAH.
- ANNE...

I GOT A BIG STACK OF LETTERS
FROM FELDSTEIN DOWN IN MY LOCKER.

- WHAT?
- THAT'S RIGHT.

I GOT A BUNCH FROM HER TOO.

FINALLY GOT AROUND
TO WRITING YOU, HUH?

WELL, YOU TROLLOP,
YOU TART, ANNE. [LAUGHS]

- HEY.
- THAT'S ANNE.

- I'M SORRY. JUST A LITTLE BITTER.
- WE'RE JUST KIDDING.

UH, IF WE CAN CONTINUE ON HERE,

- PLEASE?
- PLEASE DO.

- THIS IS FROM ERIC HANSEN.
- ERIC?

- ANOTHER ERIC.
- ANOTHER ERIC.

HANSEN, HALLORAN.
I SMELL A CONSPIRACY.

ANYWAY, PUT THAT LETTER UP.

- NEAT.
- AND I'LL SHOW YOU A PICTURE TOO.

"DEAR LORDS OF LUNAR LAUGHTER"--

[LAUGHING]
THAT'S US.

"I AM ONE OF THE MILLIONS
OF FANS, OR MSTies,

WHO ARE FORCED TO PUMP
MST3K INTO THEIR VEINS.

SO ADDICTED AM I THAT I HAVE
CONSTRUCTED A ROBOT COMPANION

TO ASSIST ME
IN ALLEVIATING THE TRIBULATIONS

OF BAD CINEMATOGRAPHY.

MY ROBOT, OR MORE ACCURATELY,
PUPPET, PICTURED HERE WITH ME

IS A REPLICA
OF TV'S WISECRACKING CROW

BUILT OUT OF HOUSEHOLD GADGETS."

AND LET'S PUT
THE PICTURE UP THERE.

- [TOM SERVO] LOOK AT THAT!
- [CROW] THAT'S VERY FLATTERING.

BUT IT SHOULD BE GOOD,
BECAUSE IF YOU'LL NOTICE,

THAT'S NOT ERIC AT ALL,
THAT'S GEORGE LUCAS...

- WOW!
- WHAT?

...THX DEVELOPER.

LOOKIT. YOU CAN EVEN SEE
THE GRAYING TEMPLES AT THE SIDE.

- HOW ABOUT THAT?
- HE JUST SHAVED HIS BEARD

AND TRIED TO FOOL US.

- AW, GEORGE.
- NO GOOD, GEORGE LUCAS.

- THANK YOU.
- THAT'S FROM ERIC, ANYWAY.

- CLEVER, HUH?
- HEY, WHY DON'T YOU DO

THE ADDRESS FOR THE INFO CLUB?

OKAY. SEND YOUR TINCTURES
AND OTHER MISSIVES TO...

- LETTERS.
- ...THE MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER

INFORMATION CLUB.

POST OFFICE BOX 5325,

HOPKINS, MINNESOTA, 55343.

- DO IT TODAY.
- WELL, I GUESS THAT'S IT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, MAD GUYS?

I'M DR. FRANK, PHYSICIAN

AND BON VIVANT.
[CHUCKLING]

[DR. FORRESTER]
OH, DR. FRANK,

THERE'S A DR. FIST
HERE TO SEE YOU.

WELL, SEND HIM RIGHT IN--

HEY, WAIT. I'M NOT GONNA FALL
FOR THAT ONE AGAIN.

HE REALLY WANTS
TO CONSULT WITH YOU, DR. FRANK.

HE SAYS IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.

IMPORTANT? CONSULT?

WELL, I AM A DOCTOR AFTER ALL.

SEND HIM RIGHT IN.
COME IN.

[CHUCKLES]
WELL, HELLO, DR. FIST.

TELL ME, WHAT IS YOUR-- OH!

SOMETIMES, IT'S JUST TOO EASY.

[SCREAMS]