Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 6, Episode 15 - The Wild World of Batwoman - full transcript
Mike and the Bots watch a high school student fall into the depths of despair because he got caught Cheating (1952). Later, the guys try to make sense of The Wild World of Batwoman (1966) as a scantily clad superwoman does battle with villains named Ratfink and Professor Neon. The Bots write essays about the short but Crow gets caught cheating.
THEME SONG: In the not
too-distant future, way down
in Deep 13, Dr.
Forrester and TV's Frank
were hatching an evil scheme.
They hired a temp by the name
of Mike, just a regular joe
they didn't like.
Their experiment needed
a good test case,
so they conked him on the noggin
and they shot him into space.
Get me down!
We'll send him cheesy movies,
the worst we can find.
La la la.
He'll have to sit
and watch them all,
and we'll monitor his mind.
La la la.
Now keep in mind
Mike can't control
where the movies begin or end.
La la la.
He'll try to keep his sanity
with the help of his robot
friends.
Robot roll call.
Cambot.
Show yourself.
Gypsy.
I'm not ready.
Tom Servo.
Hello there.
Croooow.
That's one O.
If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes
and other science facts.
La la la.
Just repeat to yourself,
it's just a show.
I should really just relax.
for "Mystery Science
Theater 3000."
-OK, OK.
Welcome to the Satellite
of Love, everyone.
Mike, Tom, Crow, and
Gypsy are the names,
and blackjack is the game.
Blackjack, 21, blackjack.
-Blackjack.
-Oh, I'll stick.
-You can't stick until I
deal you a card, you loon.
-OK, I stick now.
Hey, this isn't so
hard. [CHUCKLES]
-You can't have 21
with just one card.
-OK, OK.
Hit me.
No, no!
I stick now!
I'll stick!
-Oh, man.
I just can't handle
this anymore.
-Should I spit on your
dice now or not or--
-OK, now me.
-OK.
-Me me me me me me me me me.
Hit me.
Hit me.
-Ooh.
-Uh, hit me.
Hit me.
-[CHUCKLES]
-Hit me.
-Don't you want to
check your cards?
-Just keep them
coming, bartender.
I said hit me.
Hit me.
Hit me.
-[SIGHS]
-Uh, hit me.
Hit me.
Hit me.
-That's ridiculous.
You want to go check
Lou Rawls on the bar?
-Hit me.
Hit me.
Hit me.
-We'll be right back.
-Hit me.
Hit me.
Hit me.
Uh, hit me.
Hit me.
Hit me.
Uh, hit me.
Hit me.
Hit me.
Hit me.
Uh, OK, I want to double down.
-D'oh.
-(ITALIAN ACCENT) Hey, Mike, you
want I should call the pit boss
over for to break his thumbs?
-No.
Well--
-Uh, hey, Mike.
Some-- someone's calling.
Oh, it's probably Dr.
Fassbender and TV's Fred.
Come in.
-Ah, Mike.
Not that I care about
impressing you or anything,
but check out my
invention exchange.
Ta-da.
It's the atomic-powered
hair dryer.
How you doing down there, Dr. F?
-Oh, I'm fine, Frank.
I'm just trying to settle
on a look, you know.
-That's great.
Be with you in a minute.
-All right.
-OK, Nelson, see if you
can follow me on this one.
Atomic power, efficient,
dirt cheap, relatively few
meltdowns.
Modern hair dryers,
inefficient, expensive to run,
and-- OK, I admit, uh,
relatively few meltdowns.
But my atomic-powered
hairdryer works
in a fraction of the time.
-Uh, Frank, what look
do you think is better?
The Niels Bohr or
the Richard Feynman?
-Oh, I'd go with the Bohr.
-Really?
-The Feynman would make
your face look too chubby.
-OK.
I'll take your
recommendation. [CHUCKLES]
-OK, great.
Just gonna put these
goggles on here.
How you doing?
You comfortable?
-Oh, I'm fine.
Uh, Frank is this safe?
-Of course it's safe.
Uh, what could
possibly go wrong?
You comfortable in there?
-(IRRITATEDLY) Yes.
Get on with it.
-OK.
-[SIGHS]
-Hold, please.
We have zero coif.
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
[LOUD THUNDER CLAP]
-OK.
Let's see how you're doing,
get you all combed out here--
-[SIGHS]
---see how you look.
-[SIGHS]
-I'm sure everything
I'll be-- [YELLS] Demon!
Demon!
Stay away from me!
[YELLS]
-Frank, what is it?
-Oh, nothing, nothing.
Nothing at all.
[CHUCKLES] Just thought
you were Baphomet
there for a minute.
Hair looks great, though.
Great.
-Oh, thank you.
-[CHUCKLES] Back up to you, Mac.
-I don't get them.
-Um, Mike, our invention.
-Right.
Uh, Crow, take point.
-OK.
Let's talk about
unsightly hair that
grows on your back, back hair.
-Mm hmm.
-It's disgusting.
-Yeah.
-You'll never know
the touch of a woman
unless you rid yourself
of it immediately.
-Crow.
-[SPITS] Oh, oh, uh, not
that back hair is bad.
[CHUCKLES] Some
people might like it.
-Yeah, if you're an
alien or something.
-Whatever the
case, our invention
is called the Razorback,
and it gives you
the option of getting rid of
your back hair if you want to.
-And you should, for god's sake.
-Ugh.
-Now I'll demonstrate on
the back of my jumpsuit
because-- [CHUCKLES]-- I
don't have any back hair.
-Yeah.
No back hair.
The man's a timber wolf.
-You slather on the lather with
this specially-made applicator
like that.
-Mm.
I like this part.
-And then one stroke of the
feather-light Razorback,
and all your back hair
problems are gone.
-It's about time,
you big ugly yak.
-Crow.
-Bu-- but it looks
good on some people.
-Right.
-What do you think, sirs?
-[GASPS] [CHUCKLES] Hey,
it, it really is a new you.
-Really?
Oh, jeez.
I can't believe you don't have
a mirror around here, Frank.
I'm, I'm dying. [CHUCKLES]
-[YELLING] [GASPING]
-Uh, anyway, Mike,
uh, your movie
is called "The Wild,
Wild World of Batwoman."
And for all I know it stars
Robert Conrad and Ross
Martin. [CHUCKLES]
But I doubt it.
There's also a
short on cheating.
Come on, Frank.
I've got to see how it came out.
-(FRIGHTENEDLY)
Don't come near me!
(NORMAL VOICE) Hair looks great.
Love it.
-Oh, good.
Good.
-Jeez, I really roughed
myself up there.
-I'll say.
Sweeney Todd's
playing on your back.
-Yeah.
-I got the styptic.
-[YELLS] [GROANS]
-Oh, stop crying.
[BUZZER SOUNDING]
-Movie time!
[ALL YELLING]
-Movie time!
Movie time! [YELLS]
-OK.
Let's go.
-[HUMMING]
-[HUMMING_AND_SINGING]
(SINGING) There's a wonderful--
(SPEAKING VOICE) Cheating.
How to make it work for
you at home and on the job.
-[CHUCKLES]
-A Centron production.
Although we got the idea
from a different company,
because we're cheating.
Thank you.
A Jack Benny program.
-Ebenezer Scrooge.
-Hmm.
-Oh, why don't they call?
-Because they don't like you.
-They've had plenty
of time to decide.
-A young Franz Kafka
awaits his fate.
Hmm.
-I think I'll go
write so nocturnes.
[GROANS]
-For depressing--
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
---phone sex, dial
1-900-ALFALFA.
-Oh, the Foley guy must be--
-Hello?
---calling.
-[CHUCKLES]
-Yes, this is John.
-I saw what you did.
-Yes, I know why you're calling.
They did?
(DISAPPOINTEDLY) Oh, they did.
-They found the body, huh?
-No.
I guess that's it then.
Thanks anyway.
-And his parents
officially cut ties.
Good thing I have my Paxil.
Jeez, this kid could
freak out Jame Gumb.
-Hmm.
-You know what this room needs?
A plant.
-Ooh.
Hmm.
-[MAKES_BUZZING_NOISES]
-[SINGING_CIRCUS-STYLE_MUSIC]
-Oh, hey, come on in, Jim.
-[MAKES_EXPLOSION_NOISES]
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
-Did you hear about John Taylor?
They voted him out as student
council representative.
-(WHISPERING) Did you
hear about John Taylor?
Who's John Taylor?
-Who?
John--
-(SINGING) What's the
story, morning glory?
What's the word, hummingbird?
Did you kiss him and cry?
---Taylor.
NARRATOR: You a cheat, John?
-Huh.
NARRATOR: John,
what have you done?
-Mother Teresa called.
She hates you.
NARRATOR: Remember how it all
started, the day you went over
to Mary's house
to study the test.
-Oh.
NARRATOR: Remember?
-There are not enough bell
towers in the world for Johnny.
-All right, John.
Now look.
The problem is to factor x
squared minus 9x plus 20.
Now how do you do it?
-I can't do it.
-Oh, let's just cheat.
-x squared minus 9x plus 20.
You take the x squared
minus the 9x and--
-Uh-uh.
Nobody home, huh?
-Oh, you subtract x from
x squared, and then you--
-(FEMALE VOICE) John,
this is geography.
-Aw, golly, Mary.
I don't know anything about
this factoring business.
-John, you do too.
-Woah.
-Now the answer
is the quantity x
minus 5 times the
quantity x minus 4.
-(WHISPERING) Of course.
-Now do you see how I got it?
-Yeah, I guess I do.
But golly, Mary,
this stuff's awful.
I just don't get most of it.
-You'll just have to or you
won't pass the test tomorrow.
-I know it.
Mary--
-Will you kill me?
---if I get stuck on the test,
you'll help me, won't you?
-[GASPS]
-[GASPS]
-How can I help you?
-It's easy.
Miss Granby hardly ever
comes back to where we sit.
-Huh.
-If I get stuck, I'll just
ask you for the answer.
-Plot point.
-Well, I don't know.
-Oh, forget it.
I probably won't have
any trouble anyway.
-[MOCKING_LAUGH]
-Boobie.
NARRATOR: But you remember what
happened the next day, John.
-You commited a mortal sin.
NARRATOR: Miss Granby's
test was even tougher
than you thought it would be.
-[GROANS]
NARRATOR: There were a lot of
problems you couldn't work.
-[GROANS]
NARRATOR: And it seemed
to you that you didn't
stand a chance--
-Stop it.
Stop the voices in my head.
[GROANS]
NARRATOR: And right
there in front of you
sat your pal, Mary,
with her head chock
full of all the
answers you needed.
-Split it open now.
NARRATOR: You thought about it.
There you were,
desperate, and there
was your salvation
within arm's reach.
-On a doily.
NARRATOR: So you decided
to take a chance.
-(LOUDLY) Psst.
Hey, Mary, what's the answer?
NARRATOR: You asked
Mary for help.
And of course, Mary, being
Mary, gave you the help.
-Sweet Mary, no!
Don't.
NARRATOR: It was all so simple.
You began to wonder why
you spent so much time
worrying about the test.
-Huh.
NARRATOR: Yes, sir.
You felt pretty
pleased with yourself.
-Yeah.
NARRATOR: You'd put one over--
NARRATOR: --on Miss Granby.
A few days later, Miss Granby
returned the graded papers.
-Your one mistake, you signed
your test Mary Matthews.
Oops.
-(FEMALE VOICE) This contract
arrived for you from a Mr.
Elzebub.
-For the first time,
Johnny feels real power.
NARRATOR: Was there a shadow
of doubt in Miss Granby's face
as she looked at you?
-Or was it lust?
NARRATOR: What was there
for Miss Granby to doubt?
After all, wasn't
this the best grade
you'd ever made on
an algebra test?
-Well-- [CHUCKLES]
NARRATOR: Maybe that was it.
-Hmm.
NARRATOR: Maybe the
grade was too good.
-Hmm.
-Mm.
NARRATOR: Somehow that
odd little look Miss
Granby gave you
seemed to harm you.
-Did you really--
-Ow.
---earn that--
-Hi, Miss Granby.
[GASPS] [YELLING]
JOHN NARRATING: Aw, she
didn't mean anything.
That test wasn't very
important anyway.
-Yeah, just keep
telling yourself that.
NARRATOR: Yes, you thought
it was just a little thing,
but it was the beginning
of all your troubles.
-(ITALIAN ACCENT)
You talking to me?
Hey.
NARRATOR: After that,
life went on for you
pretty much as usual.
You were busier than
ever with sports--
-Shaving points
---with Mary and
your friend Jim,
and most of all with your new
job as the student council
representative.
-I envision a cheating wing.
NARRATOR: You'd always wanted
to be on the student council.
And you were really
proud of yourself the day
you were elected to
take Jack Martin's
place when he moved out of town.
-Under mysterious circumstances.
NARRATOR: But now with
the honor of the job
went the necessity of
keeping your grades up.
-And your enemies down.
NARRATOR: And that
was your problem.
-Dear Joe McGinniss--
[TELEPHONE RINGING
---I admire-- Uh-oh.
Oh, oh.
-Maybe he'd do better
if he had parents.
-Yeah.
-[CHUCKLES
-Hello?
JIM (ON TELEPHONE): This is Jim.
-In the next room?
JIM (ON TELEPHONE): Let's
go down to Sam's and get
a hamburger.
-I can't, Jim.
I've got homework to do.
JIM (ON TELEPHONE): Oh,
don't worry about it.
You've got plenty of time.
-(FEMALE VOICE) I will
bring you down, Johnny.
-OK.
Let's go get a hamburger.
I'll see you in a minute.
-Now was this Ingmar
Bergman's first American film?
-[CHUCKLES] I think.
NARRATOR: The big
clock in the hall
went on ticking off its
even measure of time.
And you went on as before.
-Shh.
-Eating hamburgers
while the world cried.
NARRATOR: You and Mary were
still the best of friends.
But Mary had assumed
greater importance to you.
You came to depend upon her
more and more in your school
work, although you
scarcely realized it.
-You worked her
like a punch press--
NARRATOR: It wasn't--
---Johnny.
NARRATOR: --that Mary was
any smarter than you were.
It was just, well, that she
seemed to find more time--
-Well.
NARRATOR: --to study.
-Well.
NARRATOR: And you were
student council representative
and a very busy fellow.
-You've gotta help me.
What's the answer
to number nine?
-Shh.
-[SIGHS]
-(FEMALE VOICE) I
smell a big commie rat.
-John--
-Oh.
[GASPS]
---bring it up here, please.
-[MAKING_BUZZER_SOUND]
-Ding, ding, ding, ding.
-Put your pencil down, and
step away from your desk.
-(MIMICKING NARRATOR)
Fortunately,
your mob ties will
get you off, Johnny.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Gimme that.
Wow.
That's randy.
-I'm afraid I'll have to give
you both zero on the test.
-[GASPS]
-Ja wohl, mein Fuhrer.
-And both of you are to report
to me after school, please.
-[GASPS]
-Ohh.
-And so Dana Plato's
career began.
NARRATOR: So you
were caught, John.
You were exposed in
front of the class.
And what's more, Mary
was involved too,
Mary, who was only
trying to help.
-(MIMICKING NARRATORY) Mary,
who'll have to take the fall.
NARRATOR: And then
what happened?
-Spare some change?
NARRATOR: Your classmates seemed
to treat you a little coldly.
Perhaps it was because they
had studied and worked hard
for their grades.
-Yeah.
NARRATOR: Maybe they felt
that your cheating gave you
an unfair advantage.
-I belong in hell.
NARRATOR: And their
thoughts about you
were reflected in another way.
-(WHISPERING) Pig.
-Hey, what's up?
-Meeting of the student council.
-(SOUTHERN ACCENT) They're
hanging you in effigy.
-That's funny.
My name isn't on there.
I'm on student council.
-I don't think you'd want
to come to this meeting.
It's about you.
-[CHUCKLES]
-Me?
-That's what I hear.
-(SOUTHERN ACCENT) By the
way, have you seen my ribcage?
-[CHUCKLES]
-Say, would you mind calling
me after the meeting's over,
and let me know
how it comes out?
-No, I wouldn't mind.
-(SOUTHERN ACCENT)
We really should
be talking through our lawyers.
-No, I don't say that
what John did was right.
But I do think we ought to
give him another chance.
-You mean you think
we ought to let
him go on being in
the student council?
-I think we should.
-I don't.
-Will the senator yield?
---a good representative.
-That's right.
But I don't think anyone that
cheats should hold an office.
-That's right.
I think we should elect
a new representative.
[ALL ARGUING]
-All right.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
We won't get anywhere
by all talking at once.
Are we ready to take a vote now?
-Margaret Chase Smith.
-All in favor of giving
John another chance,
hold up your hand.
-Woah.
-All who think we should
elect a new student council
representative,
hold up your hand.
-Oh.
Holy cow.
-Well, I guess most of us
feel the same way about it.
Who's going to tell John?
-I'll tell him.
I said I'd call him when
the meeting was over.
I'll call him as
soon as I get home.
-(SOUTHERN ACCENT)
If you want, I
could turn him into furniture.
-John?
I guess you know
why I'm calling.
-[CHUCKLES]
-We had that meeting about
you a little while ago.
They decided to elect a new
student council representative.
-(SOUTHERN ACCENT) You made
some powerful enemies, son.
-I'm sorry, Johnny.
But I guess you know why.
-(SOUTHERN ACCENT) That
you, student councillor?
NARRATOR: Yes, John
knew why it was.
He'd been caught in a
trap of his own making
and had involved
his friends too.
He now found himself looked down
on by friends and classmates.
-I have to bathe mother.
NARRATOR: But did John really
intended to be dishonest?
-Or is he just pure evil?
NARRATOR: Should Mary
share any of the blame?
-Sure.
NARRATOR: Was it fair for
John to use Mary as he did?
-Yeah.
She was there.
[CHUCKLES]
NARRATOR: And what
about his classmates?
Did John's cheating
hurt them in any way?
-Give us Barabas.
-(ALL TOGETHER) Barabas.
Barabas.
NARRATOR: What do you think?
-Riddle me this, Batman.
[HIGH-PITCHED_LAUGH]
-The end for Johnny, at
least, you poor dope.
Ahh.
-Oh.
-Hey, I have my
four-year TV medallion.
-(SINGING) What do you
do when you're branded?
We watch TV. [CHUCKLES]
-Hey, maybe it's rope.
-Oh.
-Here's your wrist radio.
Wear it at all times.
-OK.
Where?
-On your wrist?
-(QUIETLY) Oh.
-If you want to talk,
push the button.
-Button?
-Not yet.
In a few minutes, you'll
be in direct communication
with the Batwoman herself.
-Angels, you're going
undercover with Adam West.
-Are you ready?
-Yeah, sure.
-(MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE) Tonight
on "The Red Shoe Diaries."
-Proceed.
-OK.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Yep.
Still there.
-Under Article 21,
paragraph 2, we
accept your allegiance
as a Bat Girl.
-Hmm.
-You will obey
all rules and obey
all orders handed
through channels.
-(WHISPERING) Weird.
-Weird.
-Now drink this.
-(FEMALE VOICE) It's Alba 66.
-Do I have to?
-(FEMALE VOICE) It's got chunks.
-It's part of the ritual.
-(SILLY VOICE) It's like
a party in my mouth,
and everyone's invited.
-Hey, it's good.
-[GIGGLES]
-(FEMALE VOICE) Ha ha.
Linda cracked a
funny, and it's fun.
-Now that you're one of us--
-[GIGGLES]
---I can tell.
We're vampires, all right.
But only in a synthetic sense.
-What?
-Drinking the real stuff
went out with Count Dracula.
-[CHUCKLES]
-So what's this?
A real grube.
-Honey, mint, cherry,
and strawberry yogurt.
-Wow.
-(FEMALE VOICE) It's like we're
smart, but we're not. [GIGGLES]
-This is one weird sorority.
Wow.
(MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE)
Vampirism, it does a body good.
-Woah.
-Huh?
Their five-year mission,
to be hot, hot, hot.
Wow.
-[WHISTLES]
-Hey, I gotta do something.
-Huh?
-Wh-- where are you-- what?
-Mike.
-I'll be back.
Don't worry about it.
-How, how rude.
-You should have done that
before we got here, Mike.
-He, he--
-Where's he going?
---can't do that.
-I know.
-Mike, honey, you're missing it.
We're not going to tell
what you're missing.
It's really good.
-Shh.
-Coming.
-Come, come on.
-(MOUTH FULL) OK.
-Hey, ow.
-What did I miss?
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Coming through.
-What did you miss?
Only the best credits ever.
Um, wh-- what do
you got them there?
-Huh?
Where?
-Wh-- what do you got
there in the bowl?
-Popcorn.
-You can't have
popcorn in the theater.
-What?
-Why not?
-Well, you just can't.
What a question.
-Well, I'm having some.
-Jeez.
You're really some kind
of maverick, aren't you?
-Can I have some?
-Yeah, me too?
-Is there butter?
-Um, I think it's just
butter-colored topping.
-Oh.
-Ohh.
-Here.
-Let me have some too, Mike.
-OK.
-[CHEWING_LOUDLY] Mmm.
-You want some?
-Yeah, yeah.
-I gotta ram it in there.
Huh?
-[CHEWING_LOUDLY] [COUGHS]
I got a hull. [SPITTING]
-Oh.
-[COUGHING]
-Oh.
-Help him out there, will ya?
-Here.
-[CHOKING]
-Let me get that.
-[GROANING]
-Oh, wow.
-Thank you.
-There it is.
-What d'your fingers taste like?
-Um, it's that caramel or
that, uh, cotton oil, I think.
-Oh.
-Oh, I hate that smell.
-His finger?
-No, no, no.
The oil, the--
-Oh.
---topping, the 30 weights.
-Can I ask a question?
-Mm hmm.
-Do we have to be paying
attention to the movie?
-Oh, yeah.
Jerry Warren.
Now there's something
clever I can-- Oh.
-(MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE)
We now join our confusing
sequence already in progress.
-(LOUDLY) I'm as mad as hell!
-It's a double-wide phone booth.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Thanks, Trevor.
-(MOCK NARRATOR VOICE) Little
Johnny, 30 years later.
-(DEMONIC VOICE) The exorcist.
-[WHISTLING]
-[WHISTLING]
-Hey, mate.
-Huh?
-Got a light?
-Sure, buddy.
-Why, sure.
Having trouble getting to
it because of all the money.
God, I got thousands in there.
-[GASPS] I am trying to give
this gentleman a light, please.
-Just hand over your wallet,
and you won't get hurt.
-Uh, could I take
the money out first?
-All right, fellas.
You want it?
You just have to
come and get it.
-The badfinger murders.
-What?
[GUNSHOT OFFSCREEN]
-OK.
You can have it.
-(DOPEY VOICE) Hey, it
works. [CHUCKLING] Oh.
-As a rule of thumb,
it's not a good idea
to look down the
barrel of a gun.
-No.
-Mm-mm.
-Or to drop it.
-Oh, well, (QUICKLY)
look at the time.
I got to go.
I have a doctor's appointment.
-Huh.
-Well, as long as
I'm down here, I'm
going to take his underpants.
-[GASPS]
-(MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE)
Attention Michele Pfeiffer.
-Bat Girl 14 to Batwoman.
14 to Batwoman.
Witnessed a hold-up
that turned to murder.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Didn't
do anything about it.
Over.
-I have descriptions.
-Hey, someone's throwing
out good fencing.
-The south alley
behind the Star Club.
-Huh?
-[SINGING_ALONG_TO_MUSIC]
-Woah.
-Holy cow.
That's 40 pounds of butt in
30-pound butt capacity pants.
-Whoo.
-[CHUCKLES]
-Hey, turn down the high beams.
-Wow.
The Batusi and the Twist Rumba.
-Patty Duke.
-[GASPS] Geraldine.
-Oh.
Kinda looks like Yogi Berra.
-What?
-Sorry.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Oh,
I slipped a disk.
Ohh.
-We're in the middle
of a k.d. lang fantasy.
-Wow.
-Women can just dance
with each other.
It's no big deal.
-No.
-[CHUCKLES] Think she rats much?
Wow.
-No, thank you.
I don't want to play
the crying game.
-Hi, honey.
Can I buy you a drink?
-OK, a Coke.
-Doy.
You have to go over here to get
it, because it's here, you see.
-(SILLY VOICE) How
about you, sugar?
-Goodbye, pork pie hat.
-Bye-bye.
-(SILLY VOICE) Hi.
I'm Johnny Two-Time,
uh, Johnny Two-Time.
Heh.
-His shirt just screams
British advertising executive.
-[LAUGHS]
-(SILLY VOICE) Uh, you
are a girl, aren't ya?
I made a mistake one time.
-I'm gonna order a shake.
-Yes, yes.
But what does it mean?
-(FEMALE VOICE) Focus.
-[SINGING_ALONG_TO_MUSIC]
-[LAUGHS] Um, folks,
take our word for it.
Something happened here.
-Yeah.
-Oh, and look.
Andy Capp needs more cigarettes.
-(ENGLISH ACCENT) Oh, I
need a pack of Rothmans.
-And despite all
this, life goes on.
-Yee hoo.
-Isn't it great?
-[CHUCKLES]
-Ha ha.
I'm thinking Yogi Berra.
-Yeah.
Oh, they just put a bunch
of movies in a blender
and pressed the mix button.
-(SILLY VOICE) That's
a great bar, Freddie.
You were right.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Oh.
What am I doing in a fake
car on a sound stage?
-You got a good constitution.
Snapped out of it real fast.
-Who are you?
-Never mind.
Just sit still and
behave yourself.
-Where are you taking me?
-On a boat ride.
-You don't have to worry.
You won't get seasick.
We make the cruise all the time.
-(SILLY VOICE) My boss.
-This is the first time that
a Bat Girl's gone along.
-So you're opening,
Jeff's middling,
and I'm the headliner.
-What do you mean Bat Girl?
-You don't have to play it dumb.
We know you're one of the
dolls working for Batwoman.
[CHUCKLES] Why do you think
we put the snatch on ya?
-[WHISTLES] Recording.
-Where did you say
you were taking me?
-What I said was for
you to sit still.
You do that, you'll make
it easy on yourself.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Hmm,
well, forget her.
-(FEMALE VOICE) I
don't like her either.
-Sounds like she's kidnapped.
But her radio's on.
-Call Batwoman.
Central line.
-Ooh.
There's a peeping Zorro outside.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
-Oh, never fails.
Every time I'm stalking.
Hmm?
Woah.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Good
morning, College Republicans.
-Batwoman speaking.
Who is this?
-Wow.
It's casual day at control bat.
-[CHUCKLES]
---picking it up on 05 too.
-[SIGHS]
-Good thinking.
-Should we get outta here?
---all girls in your proximity.
Hang up now and stand
by for instructions.
-You know, you guys as
enthralling as this Batwoman
movie is, I just can't get that
cheating short out of my mind.
-Hmm, ditto, friend.
-It posed so many
dilemmas, like did
Johnny intend to be dishonest?
Or should Mary share the blame?
-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah.
Was Mary just a pawn in
Johnny's little game?
-Which begs the
question of free will.
What about free will?
-Good one.
-And should his classmates
give him a second chance?
-Yeah.
-And why doesn't the accused
get a chance to defend himself?
-Yeah.
-Good point.
And should, uh, Miss
Grandy have just
come into Johnny's bedroom
uninvited and bodiless?
-Oh, that's true.
-What do you think
about that, Crow?
-Hmm.
-Uh, uh, the Beatles.
-Oh!
You haven't been
paying attention
at all, have you, Crow?
-Yes.
Uh, could we talk
about Mitchell?
-Now see what I mean?
-Hey, I know what let's do.
Let's answer the
questions that the short
posed in our own
personal essays.
-Oh, sure.
-That's an excellent
idea, Mr. Nelson.
That in and of itself
is a valuable exercise
in articulating one's thoughts
in a clear, concise manner.
-Oh?
-Now what's in it for us.
And by us, I mean me.
-(QUIETLY) I figured.
-Well, there is those Hostess
Sno Balls I've been saving.
-Oh!
-Mm.
Yum, yum, yum.
-I also want to be boss
of the ship for a month.
-Oh, please.
-Oh, we'll talk about that.
-And Servo has to do
my laundry for a year.
Even my underpants.
-You don't even wear underpants.
-Oh, you don't worry about that.
I'll take care of that.
-This is getting weird.
We'll be right back.
[THEME MUSIC]
-Huh.
-Oh, [SIGHS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
-Oh.
-But you said we'd
be taking a boat.
From the docks?
Or where?
-Look, what I said was--
-Look, you're kidnapped.
Could you act scared?
-Would you give me that, please.
-Hmm?
-So that's your
gimmick, a wrist radio.
Hey, that's not bad.
Not bad at all.
Hey, I'll--
-Hey, batter, batter.
Hey.
---talking right now.
Testing.
One, two, three.
-It works.
-Can you hear me, Batwoman?
[LAUGHING]
-Hey.
-[CHUCKLES]
-(FEMALE VOICE) What the
hell is that all about?
-This is Batwoman speaking
to you, whoever you are.
I've a simple warning
that you've taken on
much more than you'll
be able to handle.
-There's a Mexican
wrestler lurking outside.
-[CHUCKLES]
-El Santo.
-Transmission to all girls.
0077.
We're going to hold a
special meeting of code 331
according to
articles in Manual A.
Attendance by entire
membership highly essential.
Don't be late, any of you.
Batwoman over and out.
-Batwoman has a nice split-level
in a decent neighborhood.
-Oh, it's lovely.
-Mm hmm.
-Oh, "Beakman's World."
-The Aveda Corporation.
[BUZZER SOUNDING]
-Pons and Fleischmann,
still at it. [CHUCKLES]
-[GRUNTING] I really have to go.
Oh, ho, I really mean it.
Oh, hoo Oh, my
teeth are floating.
-We have company.
[SINISTER CHUCKLE]
-Ooh.
-(DOPEY VOICE) Hey, I will pet
her and keep her can call her
George.
-Oh, don't worry about him.
No social skills, sorry.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Oh, Donald.
-Nobody's going to hurt you.
-It's Mr. Bill, and
he's all grown up.
-She's a wildcat.
I'd like to belt her one.
-Come on, Bruno.
Lay off her.
-[GROANING]
-A real cutie-pie.
-I'm from next door.
Uh, can I borrow a
beaker or something?
-I must apologize.
-Excuse me, can I-- I, I
just need a, a-- can I?
I just want to see
what time-- can I--
---things because necessary.
-Well, you're busy.
I'll, I'll come back later.
-This just happens
to be one of them.
But you have my promise that
I will make your stay here
just as comfortable--
-[CHUCKLING]
---as possible.
Oh, back, back,
back, Heathcliff.
Hey!
-He's my concierge.
He wants to take your bags.
-Heathcliff?
-He's just curious.
-Look, he's packing
his brain back in.
Perhaps you're, uh, somewhat
of a bit curious yourself.
-[CHUCKLES]
-What about this place?
-I think it's only reasonable
that a little doll is given
our best courtesy, uh,
with a proper introduction.
-(SILLY VOICE) My
friend, Nicely Nicely.
-I'm known as Tiger.
-(TONY THE TIGER
IMPRESSION) I'm great.
-I'd, I'd like
you to meet Bruno.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Oh, we
met at the kidnapping.
-This here's Professor Neon.
He's a scientist.
-Great scientist.
-Yeah, yeah.
Neon, he's a great scientist.
-Huh.
-I have perfected, uh,
some of the greatest
scientific discoveries
of the 20th century.
-(PRETENTIOUS ACCENT) And
I spent a year at Harvard.
-I have no doubt that the
name of G. Octavius Neon
will go down in history as
one of the absolute giants
of civilized science.
(PRETENTIOUS ACCENT) Um,
yes, blue-skying here.
---monstrous, do you?
No, back, back,
back, Heathcliff.
Back, I say.
-Back.
-Now.
[CYBERPHONE BEEPING]
-Well, we've got to go now.
-What do you people
at home think?
-Yes, Rat Fink.
-Rat Fink?
-I see you were able to get
the girl without consequences
or undue complications.
-Yes, Rat Fink.
-Very good.
Your work has been commendable.
You'll be rewarded
in the future.
Now listen carefully.
-[BLABBERING]
-I want you to bring me
the girl's wrist radio.
Bring her to my laboratory
within the next hour.
I intend to communicate
directly with Batwoman
on her own frequency.
-[GASPS] No.
-I'll have a pipeline into
ever conversation she carries.
It'll be a pleasure
to pay her back
for all the times she's
foiled me in the past.
-Sir, are you sure you
have the right office?
---your instructions, Neon?
Carry them out.
-Yes, Rat Fink.
-Please, it's Rat.
I insist.
-Well, something
profound should be said.
But what?
-Meanwhile, in a completely
different movie--
-I'll say.
-[CHUCKLES]
-Yeah.
-[SIGHING]
-Wrestling.
-[GASPS]
-All right, girls.
Business concluded.
The meeting will
come to order now.
Let's hurry up.
-(FEMALE VOICE) We're going to
tabulate the number of cookies
each of you sold.
Excuse me.
-Yes, this is where I stand.
-Stop looking at
my butt, Debbie.
-You may take your
positions, 14.
-Thank you, Batwoman.
One, two--
-Hey.
---three.
-(BAT GIRLS TOGETHER) We,
the girls who are dedicated
to Batwoman, take our
oath with all sincerity.
-Uh-huh.
-(BAT GIRLS TOGETHER) We,
the girls who are dedicated
to Batwoman, take our
pride with all sincerity.
-Yeah.
-(BAT GIRLS TOGETHER) We,
the girls who are dedicated
to Batwoman, fight against
evil with all sincerity.
-(MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000
GROUP TOGETHER) One nation,
under Hef.
-Let's hurry up.
-(FEMALE VOICE)
Next time, can we
just say the serenity prayer?
-[MAKING_SQUEAKING_NOISES]
-(FEMALE VOICE)
After you, Tawny.
-(FEMALE VOICE)
Cute suit, Sherrie.
-Don't sit on the couch
with your wet suits, girls.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Tina, I want
to sit by Batwoman this time.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Now the girls
in acquisition have a plan.
-In view of the fact that
this is a special meeting--
-And incredibly goofy.
---the time element
must work in our favor.
-Tony Field has a tattoo.
-I think it's advisable
that we dispense
with roll call and all
formalities under Pact 440-616.
-Second the motion.
All in favor?
-(BAT GIRLS TOGETHER) Aye.
-Motion carried, Batwoman.
Continue with business.
-Thank you
-Robert's Rules of Wow.
-To begin with, I want to say--
-Holy cow.
---that I feel intuitively
that the rescue plan we work
out will ultimately succeed--
-Mm hmm.
---but at the same
time will offer
hazardous conditions
for you all.
I feel strongly that
if-- [RADIO BEEPS]
-(FEMALE VOICE) Sorry.
I pooted.
-She got her radio back.
RAT FINK (ON WRIST RADIO):
No, my young friend.
I'm happy to inform you the
girl did not get back her radio.
She won't until I'm
ready to return it.
Are you surprised, Batwoman?
Do you know whose voice
you're listening to?
-Dennis James?
-I'm afraid I do.
And the surprise is
not a pleasant one.
Well, I might have known
you were behind this.
What have you done
with that girl?
-(MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE) I've
introduced her to Phil Donahue.
RAT FINK (ON WRIST
RADIO): --except
to extend some very
comfortable accommodations.
She'll be returned to you
quite safely, Batwoman.
-(MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE) Or
you can take the curtain.
-What is the price
you're asking?
RAT FINK (ON WRIST RADIO):
You know me better than that.
-Mr. Fink, turn your
radio down, please.
RAT FINK (ON WRIST
RADIO): --simply
need your help to enter
a certain building
and secure a certain item.
-I'll give you certain
specifics at a certain time.
RAT FINK (ON WRIST RADIO):
--off in your line.
I'm sure that you can
understand that the operation is
a delicate one.
If I had some skillful enough
to carry it out for me,
I wouldn't have put
myself to all this bother.
-That Fink's got a
good watch voice.
-Mm hmm.
RAT FINK (ON WRIST
RADIO): It is not
necessary to discuss
the consequences
if you refuse to oblige me.
-Obliging you is bitter
enough consequence in itself.
-Ouch.
-Mm hmm.
-But I'll not take
the risk of that girl
losing her freedom
because of me.
You win, Rat Fink.
But I insist upon
seeing her first.
RAT FINK (ON WRIST
RADIO): Your distrust
of me is grossly
unjustified, Batwoman.
-Hmm.
RAT FINK (ON WRIST
RADIO): However, I'll
agree to your terms.
12 o'clock, at the top
of Hangman's Bluff.
-Near Dead Man's Curve.
RAT FINK (ON WRIST RADIO):
My men will meet you there.
-You think they get
telemarketing calls
on those wristwatches?
Well, it looks like Rat Fink's
doing all right for himself.
-[SOBBING]
-Ooh
-Woah.
-Give her another
happy pill, will ya?
Can't stand it.
-She's had a breakthrough.
-Here, have a Mentos.
Fresh goes better.
-(EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT)
Dreezle drazzle drazzle drome.
Time for this one to go home.
-Just one of my many
spectacular feats.
I could make you so happy, you
wouldn't believe it possible.
-Here.
Wh-- why don't we all sit down
and make ourselves comfortable?
I got some chocolate
milk in the refrigerator
and some macaroons.
Go ahead, sit down.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Well, I don't
normally do this at meetings,
but--
-Just park your bucket, Cher.
She's got a frontal bike rack.
Woah.
-[GROWLS]
-Criminy.
-It's like a Warhol movie,
except it's kind of weird.
-Chaka Khan would be
ashamed to dress like her.
-Uh, none for me, thanks.
I'm lactose intolerant.
-How long am I to
be kept waiting?
-Oh, not for long, I'm sure.
-Hey.
-At any moment, I expect that--
[CYBERPHONE BEEPING]
-[LAUGHS] There you are.
You see, no sooner
said than done.
Oh, you can call--
-Kind of an odd Thanksgiving,
but the sentiment's there.
-Oh, yeah.
-[CHUCKLES]
[CYBERPHONE BEEPING]
-(SILLY VOICE) I turned
the switch on, boss.
-Well, my adversary.
So we meet again.
-Him.
Again.
-Welcome to my
humble facilities.
-So we meet again.
But for the first
time on your terms.
-Have some Rolaids.
Calcium.
-I can't recall ever being
placed in a position where
I would perpetuate
your evil plans.
-(SILLY VOICE) Now you might
think that the iocane powder is
in this one.
-There are great things
we can do together,
things that could bring
unheard of power and riches
to both of us.
-Is she doing a rain
dance back there?
-I'm only here
because I have to be,
and it won't be for
much longer at that.
Get on with your dirty business.
-She brings a quiet dignity--
-Very well.
---to this film.
-Mm hmm.
-As I've mentioned
previously, I want
you to get something
for me that I
wanted personally
for a long time.
-[MUMBLING]
-The Ayjax Development
Corporation has developed
an atomic hearing aid--
-We'll destroy Miracle-Ear
and rule the world!
---any telephone
conversation desired.
Since it has this
potential, the government
has refused the patent.
-I, I, I, I, I--
[MUMBING] [GROANING]
-Sieg Heil. [MUMBLES]
---an assignment such as
this would be entirely within
the realm of your own
many splendid talents.
-What can you say?
It's a tour de force
comic performance.
-Mm hmm.
-Every--
-Neon, you idiotic fool!
What do you think you're doing?
-I got the music in me.
-I must have switched the,
the glasses, Batwoman.
I, I only wanted to show
you how wonderful they are.
I could make you happy.
-Oh, his parents
must be so proud.
-[BABBLING]
-Hey, you're a guest here.
Ouch.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Where's that coming from?
-Well, we've discovered
Batwoman's secret power.
She can open unlocked doors.
-So this is the wild, wild
world of Batwoman, eh?
Hmm?
-What happa?
-Ohh.
-(MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE)
Yes, it's the best hits
of the '50s and '60s on
8-track and cassettes.
(MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER
3000 GROUP TOGETHER) Tequila.
-Yeah.
-Those two were once cute,
tiny, lovable babies.
-(HALF-HEARTEDLY) Tequil-- Oh.
-(QUIETLY) Tequi--
-Meanwhile well in
Rome-- Aye-ja-- Aye-jax?
-Aye-jax.
Ai-yi-yi,
-Aie.
-Aie, aie, aie.
Oh.
-We're in trouble
-Hmm?
-I have no idea what
I'm doing in this movie.
-Deep, deep trouble.
-Oh, take it easy, JB.
We don't have to
throw in the sponge
just because we're
hanging on the ropes.
-Hmm?
-That's an understatement.
I'd say it was more like
being pulled to the corner
after a nine cone.
-[CHUCKLES] Oh, Larry
Tate, that's rich.
-Now, look, I have the legal
department working overtime.
-And she's really tired.
-We've got plenty of time to
come up with something, JB.
-Look, Flanagan--
-That's me.
---there's been some speculation
in my mind about talking
to you.
-Oh, really?
-That's good.
You weren't in the office.
-I'm afraid there
exists a few aspects
to this business about our
patent being denied that, well,
that I haven't brought
out fully before.
-And you're sitting on my lunch.
-A few weeks ago I was
contacted by a foreign agent.
-(MOCK NEWS ANNOUNCER
VOICE) This just in.
-A foreign agent?
You didn't make a deal
with them, did you?
-Well, of course I didn't.
-I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to lash out.
---stories carried
by his cronies,
I'm sure a few people
assumed that I did.
Oh, look, Flanagan,
I realize you've
got our legal boys trying to
concoct some sort of appeal
for us.
But the terrible thing is--
-You're on my tuna sandwich.
---I never told you this either.
Our time limit for destroying
that device has run out.
-What device?
Who are you?
-We had just 15 days, not
30 as I told everyone.
-JB, you kept that
thing here illegally--
-(QUIETLY) You dope.
---hoping we wouldn't
have to destroy it?
-Well, get ready for
the worst part of all.
-I've hired Willie
Tyler and Lester.
-I received a telephone
call early this morning
from Batwoman.
-Hmm?
-She was good enough to
inform me to be on the alert
that extensive
planning was being
executed for an attempted theft.
-Does she know
that to be a fact?
-If she didn't, she
wouldn't have called.
-(SILLY VOICE) I have no clue
what you're talking about,
but I'm profoundly devastated.
-[GASPS]
-Well--
-Hmm.
---now that you've informed
me of our legal position,
I suppose asking the police for
help is highly questionable,
JB.
-I oughta--
-Why didn't you tell
me about this sooner?
What do you think I'm here for?
-I want you to spank me.
-I was afraid.
And I was hoping for some kind
of appeal to the patent office.
-(SOUTHERN ACCENT) And I
didn't steal no bike neither.
-Well, we've just gotta think
of something to tighten it up.
That's all.
-You just don't care about
my lunch at all, do you?
You know it's there, and
you deliberately sit on it.
-Wait a minute.
-We're not supposed
to be in this movie.
-Wait a minute, JB.
I think I've got it.
-The rain in Spain falls
mainly on the plains.
-Batwoman.
-[GASPS]
-[CHUCKLES]
-With her, we might
see some light yet.
-It's over. [CLAPPING]
[MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000
GROUP TOGETHER) [GROANING]
-Now this shot here,
this is pure Warren.
-Mm hmm.
-(MOCK FILM NOIR VOICEOVER)
Thursday afternoon,
I pulled up at this one place.
I don't know what time it was.
I kind of got out of my car.
I looked at the place.
I walked towards some
sort of structure
in which people
possibly dwelled.
I noticed the agriculture.
The sound editor added
a tasty sax lick.
I passed a tree or a
shrub of some variety.
Then I arrived at the door.
Ooh.
I went through the door,
and it was quite cool.
I had heard Batwoman had
quite a lingerie collection.
I decided to investigate.
-Hmm?
D'oh!
The one day they
aren't wearing bikinis
is the day I stopped by.
-[GROANS]
-Oh, good.
Here's the receptionist.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Are you
with the bride or the groom?
I'm with you.
-Hey, weren't you
in "Beast Master 2,
Through the Portal of Time"?
-Toccata and wow in D minor.
[PURRS]
-You know it.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Oh,
she's jamming right now.
She might be a while.
-After six months of
lessons from Schmitt Music,
I'm playing for my friends.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Mm, sorry.
This is a smoke-free cult.
-You know, for a movie.
-[CHUCKLES]
-(MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE) That
was Michael Murry on Pipedreams.
-I wonder if it's
hard to sight-read
through those glasses.
-I bet.
-Batwoman.
-Hi.
-Oh, uh, about that door, that's
a little dangerous, isn't it?
-He's really going to stick
to that vinyl, you know.
-It wouldn't have
operated if you
had no appointment or
someone was following you.
You were monitored
electronically
from the time you left your car.
-Uh huh.
-Oh, really?
-(QUIETLY) Yeah, right.
-Oh, you mean like a
closed circuit television.
-Something like that.
-Yes.
-(FEMALE VOICE)
Jell-O shot, ma'am?
-Hmm?
-Would you like
some refreshments?
-Uh, no, no, thank you.
I'm fine.
[CHUCKLES] Uh, very nice of you
to see me this way, Batwoman.
And I want you to know that
JB and the rest of us--
-[MAKING_GLUGGING_NOISES]
---will be forever
grateful if, well,
if you can just figure
out some way to help us.
-Ah!
-[GROANS] Woah.
-I hate those.
---someone who would
listen in to someone
else's conversations.
-Oh, Batwoman, you
really don't think that,
that JB and I would--
-Jim Beam?
-[CHUCKLES]
-Justice Brothers.
-Oh, I'm not interested in
anyone else's conversation.
No, no.
You have the wrong
idea, entirely wrong.
-Is this supposed to be
an all-staff meeting?
-As a matter of fact, the
atomic power structure
was much more revolutionary
than anything we had counted on.
-Hey.
-You'd think just
being Batwoman she'd
have more exciting meetings,
but this is just painful.
---goes, it really goes.
But the main thing
is if we could just--
-Now what?
---hang onto it--
-[GROANING]
---until our appeal is OKed--
-So there's a subplot
about a horseshoe then.
-[CHUCKLING] I guess so.
---a little bit
more development,
we can make a great
contribution to, uh, society.
-Will you--
-Gimme.
-But the big problem
is, Batwoman--
-Gimme.
-Let me have it.
-If it's stolen, we're sunk.
If our device is
misused, Batwoman--
-[GRUNTING]
---there's no telling
what can be accomplished.
-[GRUNTING]
-(FEMALE VOICE) You
have beautiful eyes.
-Do you realize there
will be no privacy?
And just consider the
danger if they find out
about the cobalt mechanism.
-Stop it.
Would you stop it back there?
-I can see it's--
-Let's get outta here.
---avoided at any cost.
-Oh, good.
You'll do it.
-[CHUCKLES]
-You'll come in with us.
-Give me some time to
talk with my girls.
I'll call you within the hour.
-Fine, fine.
[THEME MUSIC]
-And in preparing my report
on today's cheating short,
I listened to both
the muse and the sage,
the spirit and the
pragmatist, the mythical
roots of my eternal--
-Oh, any time this
century, Disraeli.
-Crow, come on.
-Oh, OK, Mike, just
wake me when it's over.
-Anyway, as I was saying,
it was the third question
that most intrigued me.
The query, was it fair for
Johnny to use Mary as he did,
is a mental minefield.
I had to be careful, being
the humist that I am.
I left no stone unturned.
-Any time, Servo.
Any time.
-Uh, that answer,
my friends, is no.
Thank you.
-No?
-No?
-That's right.
Nyet, nein, negigey.
-That's your report,
the answer is no?
What about all
these other volumes?
-Well, jeez, Mike, I had several
ibids, 30 pages of footnotes,
an extensive bibliography,
and some really neat diagrams
charting the dielectric
process from the Freudian--
-You know, Tom, you frighten me.
So we're done, huh?
-No, we're not done.
We've still got Gypsy.
Why don't you go
ahead there, girl?
-Yeah.
-Um, oh, oh, OK.
Um, cheating.
By me.
-Hm.
-Cheating is bad.
Richard Baseheart is good.
Well?
-Huh.
Great.
-Well, that was very
good, I thought.
-Yeah, very nice.
-It was spirited, succinct.
Very nice.
-Right to the point.
-Oh.
-Great.
-Can't we just hand
these in, Mike?
I mean, notify me by mail.
-No, no, no, no.
It's your turn.
Now let's hear it.
Come on.
-Oh.
Cheating.
[CLEARS THROAT] Cheating is bad.
Richard Baseheart is good.
-Ooh.
-So how about some lunch?
-Hey, Crow.
-What?
-That was word-for-word the same
report that Gypsy just gave.
-[CHUCKLES_NERVOUSLY]
-Wow.
What are the odds
of that happening?
-It's, it's not
exactly the same.
I, I mean the read
was totally different.
Uh, my downbeat was on good.
Uh, Gypsy's was on Richard.
-Scold him!
-Oh--
-Scold him.
Cheater, cheater!
-Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Calm down.
Calm down.
You know, this is
serious business,
and we'll talk about it.
But right now--
-Destroy him.
---we've got a movie
to get through,
and that's what
we're going to do.
-We, we must demolate him.
Get a match.
Burn him.
[BUZZING NOISE]
-He must be destroyed!
-Ah.
Movie time.
Saved by the bell.
-Burn him!
Burn-- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I just lost it.
---up close.
Come on.
-Huh?
[CHUCKLES]
-Right here.
-Little piggy, little piggy.
-Heathcliff shops at Tatters.
-[CHUCKLES]
-I have something for you.
[CHUCKLES] Now open your mouth.
-I hope that's cyanide.
-Oh, Heathcliff, this is
not going to hurt you.
No.
-It's going to kill you.
-I just perfected a new formula,
and I must test its reaction.
Whatever it does, it will
only last for a short time.
-And it will pad
the film immensely.
-Oh, come on.
Open your mouth.
Oh, Heathcliff, I'm losing
my patience with you.
-Yeah.
I bet he's lost a
lot of patients.
-Oh, shut up.
-[CHUCKLES]
-I'll tell you--
I'll tell you what.
If you take this pill--
-(INDIAN ACCENT) I will
stop talking like Gandhi.
---when I go to that underground
cave, I'll take you with me,
and you'll be able
to see some monsters.
You can watch them all the time
that I am in the big cavern.
-Because I'm vaguely European.
-Wouldn't you like that?
Hmm?
Huh?
-[SIGHS]
-Ohh.
-Oh, Heathcliff.
-Trying to be both a
mother and a father to you
is so difficult.
-Could this please be the
end of the pill-taking scene?
[MOCK SOBBING] Please.
[CYBERPHONE BEEPING]
-Welcome back.
Is that the show, then?
-Oh.
Heh.
RAT FINK (OVER
CYBERPHONE): Neon, I
want to let you know that
I'm completely disgusted
with the work of all
of you over there.
-I think he speaks
for all of us.
-Mm hmm.
RAT FINK (OVER
CYBERPHONE): The escape
of the girl has all but
ruined my last chance.
We leave now with very little
time to form a new plan.
-I'm sorry about what happened.
-Yeah, well, sorry don't
pay the gas bill, doctor.
- --around now.
How is it coming at the cave?
How are all my monsters?
-Never mind about the monsters.
Keep your thinking on
what has to be done.
It's going to be more
difficult than ever
now because I have learned
through the grapevine
that Batwoman herself is
guarding the vault at Ayjax,
taking no chances
of our formulating
a successful operation.
But we'll do it anyway.
Success will be ours.
Do you understand me, Neon?
-Oh, could you
start again, right
after the part where
you were reaming me?
-Yes.
-Well, the ball's in
our court, Heathcliff.
[THUNDER CRASHING]
-(LOUDLY) It was a dark and
stormy-- (NORMAL VOLUME) Oh.
-What's Dwight
Eisenhower doing here?
-Security guards
of foreign wars.
[HUMMING]
-The last brownshirt.
-Where was I on the
night of April 14?
[CHUCKLES]
-I love my job.
Oojay?
Oojay?
Oy, work really piled up on me
while I piled up. [CHUCKLES]
I love that story.
[TELEPHONE RINGING SHRILLY]
-Ah!
-Oh, jeez.
-Phew.
Wow.
-The phone's ringing.
It's never done that before.
All right.
All right.
I'm coming.
Keep your chin on.
Hello?
-Hello?
Good evening.
-Hmm?
No, no one is here.
Everything is in order.
-Even your Mackie Mac poster.
-All right.
Bye.
-I'm not going to tell
him what I'm wearing.
He knows already.
-It's like "Goldfinger."
-Well, that went
off without a hitch.
-(INDIAN ACCENT)
Baskin-Robbins, anyone?
-[LAUGHING] This movie's funny.
I changed my mind.
-Like he's got a funny
bow tie under his nose,
and it's funny. [LAUGHS]
-They're doing a classic bit.
This is great.
-[LAUGHS]
-It's fun when it's fun.
-Yeah.
Like the White House
Plumbers, only funny.
-There's funny Cheech
Marin in the back. [LAUGHS]
-(DISAPPOINTEDLY) Oh.
Hmm.
-Well, I never would
have believed it.
-(SILLY VOICE) I'm Norm Crosby.
-This is wonderful.
-[CHUCKLES] Thank you.
-Hi.
-Ah, my mother had a
pair of those. [CHUCKLES]
-Oh.
-Yes, this is wonderful.
-With all this panelling.
-You'll notice I have a
double guard consisting
of my best girls at
the vault itself.
I hope you'll be
able to relax now
that you're aware of the
extent of our precautions.
-Oh, yes, yes.
Of course I will.
Uh, you've made me feel
completely secure, Batwoman.
-It's the all
exposition channel.
-I have the only key to the
vault right here in my pocket.
Uh, maybe you could do
with a little bit of lunch?
We can get it right downstairs.
-I think they're
falling in love.
-Hey, let's just be
quiet and enjoy this.
It'll go faster.
-Yeah. [SIGHS]
-Soup?
Hot soup, girls.
-Huh?
-Here it is.
-Soup.
Get your soup, girls.
Isn't that delicious?
-Yes--
-Here's your soup.
---Bat Girls come running for
the good taste of hot soup.
-Atta girl.
How's that taste?
-(FEMALE VOICE) It
tastes like air.
But then everything tastes like
air to me. [GIGGLES] [SIGHS]
-Stanley Owsley is
smiling somewhere.
[BAT GIRLS GIGGLING]
-Dance and guns
and soup don't mix.
-Mm mm.
-Oh, he's reading "Mr.
Drysdale Monthly."
-Uh, Miss Benson?
I'm going to the commissary
for a quick bite of lunch.
Uh, ring through to me if
that Simpson call comes in.
-Simpson, eh?
-Miss Benson, did you hear me?
-(MOCK NARRATOR VOICE) What's
happened to Miss Benson?
Find out on the next episode.
-Miss Benson?
-(MOCK NARRATOR VOICE) Robert
Guillaume is Miss Benson.
-[CHUCKLES]
-(MOCK NARRATOR
VOICE) And so we leave
on our search for Miss Benson.
Gee, pick any Miss
Benson you want.
-Whoo hoo.
-(SINGING) Hey, listen to the
story about a man named Jed,
a poor-- Yee hoo.
-D'oh!
Just when I thought the
movie couldn't get any worse.
Ringo's in it.
-No.
-Ahh.
-(LIVERPUDLIAN
ACCENT) That's right.
It's me.
-(MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE)
Looking very relaxed,
Hugh Beaumont on sax.
-[SCATTING]
-Oh, Justice Ginsberg arrives.
-[SCATTING]
-Huh?
Huh?
-Ah, table five, all women.
Yech.
-What the-- [CHUCKLES]
(MOCK NARRTOR VOICE)
The Hudson Brothers in
their wackiest comedy yet.
-Oh, no.
They're going to
drug Gerry Mulligan.
-Huh?
-This is like a Mentos ad.
-[CHUCKLES]
-LSD-25 for you.
And you had the LSD-25.
And over here, hot pasta--
-Hey, Hitler!
We want our order over here.
-Just a minute.
-The LSD-25 for you.
And LSD-25.
---sandwich.
A sandwich.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES] Well, I
guess this is the, uh--
-(LOUDLY) What?
Huh?
-Uh, this is good
enough for a starter.
-Oh, go on.
-[SIGHS] I have feeling Satan
would regret making this movie.
-Look at that.
-Ah, Gloria Steinem gets down.
-This was back when Yiddish
theater was still going strong.
She's wearing a
gownless evening strap.
-Oh, that was a
really good batch.
-[LAUGHING]
-You know, these Applebee's
are really getting zany.
-Look out.
Here comes the entire waitstaff
singing "Happy Birthday."
-No.
-[LAUGHS]
-[SIGHS]
-Now this is a
hot lunch program.
[PURRS]
-Then slurp that down.
Wow.
-I've never seen Solzhenitsyn
look quite so giddy.
-Mm mm.
-He's happy.
-All right.
Let's do that Steve and Leo bit.
Here.
OK.
-(MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE) Yes,
it's a life in the theater.
-First one's free, Batwoman.
-[LAUGHING] Give me the keys.
Yeah.
-Check out Shirley
Chisholm in the background.
-[GIGGLES]
-(SINGING) Chisholm,
Shirley Chisholm.
-[LAUGHING]
-He's fun, that one.
-[CHUCKLES]
-Stevens?
-[LAUGHING]
-Yeah.
-Have you lost your mind?
-No.
-Just my self-respect. [LAUGHS]
-Now I've lost my mind.
-Now this is how the NRA
wants the world to look.
-Mm hmm.
-[CHUCKLES]
-And frankly--
-Hey.
-Hey.
Sorry.
-(MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE)
The Maidenform woman,
you never know where
she'll show up.
-(SILLY VOICE) Uh, I
pick you. [CHUCKLES]
-Hey, Frank Sinatra, Jr.
-(QUIETLY) Come on.
-(SILLY VOICE) Wait.
I'm trying to figure this out.
Oh, where do the batteries go?
-Tiger, come on.
-(SILLY VOICE) OK.
Uh, so you want to go
have soup sometime?
-(MOCK NARRATOR VOICE) The
Landers Sisters get down.
-(MOCK NARRATOR VOICE)
I'm Peter Graves.
Tonight on "A&E
Biography," we've
repackaged a documentary
made years ago.
-(FRIGHTENEDLY) There's a
man on the wing of the plane!
-[GASPS]
-No, there isn't.
-Oh, sorry.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Are
you the Beatles?
Oh, you must be the Beatles.
-How's your throat?
-(HIGH PITCHED VOICE) Well, it's
actually feeling quite well.
-It sounds much better.
-Geraldine Ferraro.
-What do you know?
Oh, sure.
Go ahead and use the phone.
-[CLEARS_THROAT]
-Hi, mom.
Practice is done.
Can you pick us up?
-Is this Ayjax
Development Corporation?
-Is Perseus in right now?
-This is Seltzer of
the patent office.
I'd like to speak to
JB Christians, please.
-(SILLY VOICE) I'm here
with Doodles Weaver.
-He's where?
-Up my what?
-[CHUCKLES]
-The home of Batwoman?
-Should I repeat
everything you say?
-What's happened
that's so terrible.
-They've renewed
"Mad About You"?
-Well, yes, I can
get over there.
Well, should I call first?
-Oh, you're right.
I am calling.
-I see.
All right.
We'll take a cab and
get there right away.
-We'll take DC Cab.
-What's your address?
Mm hmm.
-Mm hmm.
-Hm.
Long address.
-(MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE) Special
appearance by George "Goober"
Lindsey.
-[CHUCKLES]
-Shh.
Mass has already started.
-We must concentrate
ourselves fully and, thusly,
penetrate into the realms
of etheric existence.
-Looks like they're
coming down from the soup.
-We must call upon
an etheric guide.
who will contact
those at this table
within the next few moments.
-Hmm.
-May we hear a voice--
-Did we come at a bad time?
---a sign that this message is
being received by those beyond
the physical plane.
-Judy, Judy, Judy.
-We call out to the
world of spirits.
Will someone please
come through?
-I am--
-Iron Man.
-[CHUCKLES]
-Do you hear me?
-He's a contact
of Leonard Cohen.
-Yes, we hear you plainly.
I wish to thank you
for coming to us.
-She looks like a dry fly.
-[GIGGLES]
-It is perfectly all right.
-I am the north wind.
---can I do for you?
-It is desired by
those at this table--
-That we get more bread.
---to locate a missing device,
one of an electronic nature.
It was stolen from Mr.
Christians' here only a few
hours ago.
-Oh, yeah.
I got a psychic
bulletin on that.
---locating it immediately, as
it could be highly dangerous.
-And highly dull
-Individuals who
harbor it may not
be aware of its
explosive potential.
-Hmm.
-[BABBLING]
-What the--
-[LAUGHING]
-I'm afraid I'll have to ask
you to repeat the message.
-What was that?
Eek-a-Mouse?
-It sounded like Chinese.
-I am sorry.
-Sir, sit closer to the mic now.
---give more information.
-Look at this guy.
Rigor mortis has--
-The device--
---set in.
---was stolen from the
Ayjax Development Company.
I'm aware of the
thief's identity
but not his whereabouts.
He has a hidden laboratory
somewhere along the coast.
-Hey, who doesn't anymore?
-I was there a short
time ago, but it
was in the middle
of the night, and I
was unable to take note
of any landmarkings.
The location of
this laboratory is
what we ask you to help us with.
I must emphasize again
that it's most important.
-Mm hmm.
-[BABBLING]
-[GROANS]
-Ah.
Ohh.
-Yoko, no.
-You're speaking
in Chinese again.
I have to inform
you that no one here
is familiar with
Oriental languages.
-Hey, that's Asian
languages, sister.
-Speak to us only in English.
Do you understand?
-Please, god, cut
away to anything.
Please.
---that speaks another tongue.
-[MIMICKING_BABBLING] We know.
-[GIGGLING]
---another entity.
[BABBLING]
-[LAUGHS] Oh, for
crying out loud.
-Now there's no need
to lash out, really.
---the channel free so I can
communicate with the other
gentleman?
-Would you just please leave?
-I feel they're
trying to assist us.
However, I can't comprehend
a word you're saying.
-[BABBLING]
-You know, that may
not really be Chinese.
-Ah.
-And may we get on
with the information?
-Hm.
-Uh, [BABBLING] No?
No?
-We have a clear channel now.
You can speak to us.
-I've brought some of my
most important clients
to this seance.
If you could please cooperate.
-It seems we've
lost communication.
-Good.
-Uh, look--
-Oh, he's alive.
He moved.
Hey.
-Do you think we might
do this some other time?
Oh, don't misunderstand
me, Batwoman.
I do have confidence.
-Hm.
-Well, anything you
say, Mr. Christians.
You know your schedule
better than I do.
-[SIGHS] To every Asian
and every human being,
we apologize for that scene.
-Mr. Seltzer.
-Captain Spaulding.
-What is all this nonsense?
And what's happened
to that hearing aid?
Did I hear correctly
about it being stolen?
-Well, uh--
-[BABBLING]
-Uh, Mr. Seltzer, I'd
like you to meet Batwoman.
She's our hostess here.
-I am aware of that.
How do you do, Batwoman.
-I'm Tubby Guy, and that's
Nerdy Guy with the briefcase.
-[CLEARS_THROAT] This is
Broglie, my assistant.
He can't speak.
Laryngitis.
-[CHUCKLES] Like our guest
at the table. [LAUGHS]
-[CHUCKLES] Yeah, the ta-- Oh.
-Well, I could get you
something warm from the bar.
It might loosen up the throat.
-Uh, it would seem
to me that things
are loose enough around
here as they are.
-Did he rip that thing
out of a Chevy Vega?
-[CHUCKLES]
-Watson, come here.
I hate you.
-I'm cleaning my oven. [GIGGLES]
-[BEATBOXING]
-Please turn your
head and cough.
-Hm?
-[GROANS]
-Oh, god.
This is hit nude.
Damn.
-Haven't you ever tried it?
-Me?
Nah.
Nearest thing I
ever got to exercise
was a couple of strolls every
day when I was up at State.
-You went to State University?
-University?
-The hilarity of
"Drop Dead Fred."
---university?
State pen.
-You should have
given college a try.
-[BABBLING]
-I went for a year and a half.
-Is that where you
learned to dance?
You're the best
dancer I ever seen.
-And I seen two.
-(SARCASTICALLY) Thanks.
-Gee, I, I'm sorry about that.
-Sure you are.
-I am, really.
-So Mike, this is hell.
-I guess I shouldn't have--
-Yep.
Yep.
---on you again.
-I guess I should have
put the mic closer too.
---by Rat Fink himself.
He's coming up
here from the cave
to shake my hand personally.
-[GASPS] You know--
-Just as soon--
---Rat Fink?
---as Neon finishes
that hearing aid.
-Oh, looks like a rather large
and ungainly hearing aid to me.
-[CHUCKLES]
-Calling all girls in the
north and middle sectors.
-That's a lot of girls.
-The beach you're
searching is the least
likely to be the correct one
because that laboratory uses
high voltage, and there
isn't any on the north beach.
-Ah, [BABBLING]
-[GIGGLES]
-But I did see a small reef
in the water just offshore.
Keep your eyes--
-Calm down, Batwoman.
---open for a hidden
cove that would be
completely covered at high tide.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
-Batwoman out.
-My other wrist is ringing.
-Batwoman speaking.
-(SLURRING WORDS) This
is Flanagan, Batwoman.
-Hey, the producer.
-[LAUGHS]
-I just called to
tell you goodbye
and to thank you
for everything you
did for the Ayjax
Development Company.
-(DRUNKENLY) I love you,
and I've always loved you.
---take that.
And also the fact that, well,
I was able to dance with you.
And I want you to know
I really enjoyed it.
-He's a lonely, lonely man.
-Oh, I'm not a drinking
man, Batwoman--
-No.
---but, well, I figured
I'd have a couple--
-[BABBLING]
---in view of the fact that
I'm leaving immediately,
and I'm starting a new
life in the Fiji Islands.
-Cool.
-I'd suggest you pull
yourself together, Flanagan.
There's no need for you
to run off anywhere.
-Oh, she does phone
counselling too.
Sweet.
-I can see my work
is cut out for me.
And, and I'll accept it gladly.
-Now hold on while I--
-My girls--
---trace the call.
---all of them, are dedicated
to finding your device.
-Excuse me?
-Right now they're
out searching,
working with
selfless dedication.
-Oh.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-(SINGING) You keep
your eye on the road
and your hands up on the wheel.
-Oh, Edith Prickley goes at
it with Lumpy Rutherford.
-[LAUGHS]
[HUMMING ALONG WITH MUSIC]
-(SINGING) Yes, the devil
made this movie for you.
Yes, the devil had some time.
There's no edit.
-The sad thing is, they're
trying to tap dance. [CHUCKLES]
-Kill me.
-[CHUCKLES]
-(MOUTH FULL) So do you like me?
[MUMBLING]
-Snap him over.
Break him in half.
-Yeah.
-Whoo hoo.
[HUMMING ALONG WITH MUSIC]
-Ow.
Oh.
Ow.
Oh.
Ooch.
-Barbara Streisand.
-Oh.
-This is before they
invented Librium, isn't it?
-[CHUCKLES]
-(GOOFY VOICE) Oh ho, it's
lots of fun. [CHUCKLING]
-OK, they're kissing.
-No.
-And they're dancing.
-[HUMMING_ALONG_WITH_MUSIC]
-Back to the band.
Now kissing and
dancing. [MOCK SOBBING]
-[MAKES_SUCKING_NOISE]
[BREATHING_HEAVILY]
-OK, fun time's over.
Let's get outta here.
-Yep.
She's blond.
I was making out with
her, pretty much.
-Stand at attention.
-Suck in that gut.
(IRRITATEDLY) Pyle.
-You can get these guys' phone
numbers when we have more time.
Right now we've got a job to do.
Spread out in singles.
Come on.
Let's move.
-Is this anyway
to run an airline?
You bet it is. [CHUCKLES]
-Please kill me.
[HUMMING ALONG TO MUSIC]
[HUMMING ALONG TO MUSIC]
-Hey, baby, over-- [CHOKING]
-Jane Goodall works her magic.
-A little bit more with the hip.
No, no.
To the side.
-Please kill me.
-How's this?
-Oh.
-Oh, Tiger, you're just
not getting the feel of it.
-Oh, god, I was gonna
get through this movie
without thinking about
his hips, and now this.
-Oh.
-Tiger, why don't you
let me out of here?
You can do it.
Please?
-Hey, I think
you're running down.
I think you need another pill.
-I don't want another pill.
I'm tired of being happy.
-But it's a good kind of tired.
-Hmm.
-Phew.
Well, you're out of paper.
I had to use Heathcliff.
He didn't mind.
-[CHUCKLES]
-I've just come
up from the cave,
and Rat Fink wants you to
finish your work down there.
Now Batwoman and her girls
are all over the beach.
And he said for us to
put operation plan Grab
X12 right away.
-Oh, stop pretending
there's a plot.
Don't cheapen yourself further.
-Huh.
-"Baywatch."
-Ooh.
-Yes, "Baywatch."
BATWOMAN (OVER WRIST RADIOS):
Batwoman monitoring 223.
-Huh.
BATWOMAN (OVER
WRIST RADIOS): I'm
passing the reef
south of the point.
Batwoman over.
Batwoman monitoring 223.
-Uh--
BATWOMAN (OVER WRIST
RADIOS): Come in 14.
-Was that part of the movie?
Or did that actually happen?
-Huh.
-(MOCK NARRATOR VOICE)
When Gidget meets Zorro.
-See, now a lot
of villains aren't
bold enough to wear clamdiggers.
-Uh-uh.
-Yeah.
Hmm.
-Mom, do you ever have
a problem feeling fresh?
But mo-- mom?
She went on the
beach not expecting
to be abducted by
a Mexican wrestler.
-Bad touch, El Santo.
-Here's Charro waiting
to be abducted.
Ah coochie coochie
coochie coochie.
[MAKES CHOKING SOUND] Ahh!
-Well, that's five.
He's got a volleyball team.
-Kind of looks like
a whiskey decanter.
A bottle of port.
-Hm?
-Hmm.
-Hmm.
-You know, to me that leash
screams unhealthy relationship.
-Mm hmm.
Yeah.
-Careful.
You gotta watch your
footing down here.
I'd slow up for ya, but we gotta
catch up with the rest of them.
Otherwise, they'll
think something's wrong.
-So?
-I see your point.
-Well, it might mean
I'll lose my job.
-Big deal.
-Taming of the Bat Shrew.
-Everybody's gotta have a job.
-Sure.
Everybody's gotta have a job.
So go ahead and do it.
I wouldn't ask you to
make any sacrifice.
-(MIMICKS POLICE RADIO
ANNOUNCER) One item 12,
domestic one.
-Come on, little doll.
Be nice.
I know it's my fault I got
ya messed up in this place.
-The first year of
bondage is the hardest.
-But you'dve wound
up here anyway.
-Oh, yeah.
-And I gotta do what
they tell me to do.
-Sure.
-Welcome to the mob.
-Come on.
We're just about
near the big cavern.
It's really something.
You ain't never seen
nothing like it.
-Ain't never seen
anything like it.
---monsters outside
of Rat Fink's lab.
-(SARCASTICALLY) I can't wait.
-It's just a tiny bit further.
Come on.
You're gonna see something.
-Tiger, what's that over there?
-Where?
-[SCREAMS]
-Oh, that.
-Aw, they can't hurt ya.
They ain't even alive.
Come on.
-Eh, if they hit ya at 90 miles
an hour, they can hurt you.
-Smells like Bernie Krause
turning up his Mellotron.
-Wow.
-(MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE)
Fritz Lang's beaches.
-What?
-Didn't I tell ya?
This place is something else.
-(SILLY VOICE) They
got great ribs here.
-This was a city
thousands of years ago.
Pretty weird, huh?
-Yeah, too bad it's
not in the same movie.
---I'm scared.
-(FEMALE VOICE)
Have sex with me.
-Hm?
-Woah.
-Looks like they're
stopping to rest.
Dr. Neon usually
movies real fast
when he's gonna
see his monsters.
-What the-- Hey, wait a minute.
-[GROWLING]
-It's the mole people.
These movies have crashed.
-[GROWLING]
-Oh, I got a bad
worm or something.
Oh.
-You got your mole
people in my Batwoman.
-You got your Batwoman
in my mole people.
-[GROWLING]
-Oh, well.
-(PRETENTIOUS ACCENT) Well,
I've had enough of that film.
[GROANS]
-That's a slimming look for him.
-Mm hmm.
-Dagnabbit, Pepino, get the
horses back in the barn.
Jesse.
-(SINGING) And I
would walk 500 miles--
-[LAUGHING]
-You're going the wrong way.
-Hm?
-My, my, my, my, my monsters.
-We are looking desperately for
a movie to be in. [BABBLING]
-Go back to the lab.
-But I must see them first,
just a quick, teensy look.
He may be mistreating
them again.
Or he may be hurting them.
-Shh.
Don't worry.
-[MOCK_SOBBING]
-The doctor dresses like an
off-duty Denny's manager.
-He's got more--
-[GIGGLES]
---important things on his mind.
Come on.
-Come on.
Let's go.
-[WHISTLING]
-Gotta go hurt Crow.
[SINGING]
-But there's mole
people back there.
-No, we gotta go hurt you, Crow.
-[WHISTLING] Hey,
Tom, what's up?
-Meeting of the
Satellite of Love crew.
-Hm?
-Oh, I don't think you'd
want to come to this meeting.
Is about you.
-Me?
-That's right.
It's about how you
cheated and betrayed
the confidence of a
sweet, innocent robot.
It's about how you made a
mockery of everything that's
good in this world.
It's about how everything
you touch you destroy.
-So why can't I come?
-D'oh!
Would you just--
-Oh.
-Sorry I'm late.
-Hi.
Well, as unpleasant
as this whole mess
is, we have to address
Crow's cheating.
I call this meeting to order.
-Guilty!
Guilty!
Guilty!
Guilty!
-Tom.
-He's guilty.
-Come on, Tom.
Sure, Crow's made a mistake.
But we should have compassion.
Remember, my gumball-headed
young friend,
the quality of mercy
is not strained.
-[SIGHS]
-It falleth from the
heavens like a gentle rain.
-Gypsy, he stole
from your essay.
-Really?
Fry him!
Fry him!
I want to fight.
-There you go.
-I want to put him
under the ground.
-Hey, hey, hey.
-That's the spirit.
-Hey.
-Oh?
-Calm down.
This isn't getting us anywhere.
I think the first thing
that we need to do--
-[SINGING]
-Hey, who's this guy?
-(FRENCH ACCENT) Ah,
would you like some soup?
-Well, yes, I would.
That's exactly-- Oh,
would you knock that off?
-It's Crow.
-Get outta this meeting.
All right.
Now, uh, I think we
all agree that Crow
needs some sort of punishment.
What should it be?
-(CALMLY) Well, if, uh, I may
quote from my colleague Gypsy
here, (LOUDLY) fry him!
Fry him!
Burn him up!
(CALMLY) And if I
may just interject
one thought of my own,
(LOUDLY) tear him up!
Rip him apart!
Burn him!
(CALMLY) And in
conclusion, (LOUDLY) die,
die, die, die, die, die!
(CALMLY) Any thoughts?
-Yeah.
Well, actually I
was thinking more
along the lines of not giving
him any Hostess Sno Ball.
-[WHISTLING]
-Oh.
-Hey, Crow, buddy.
-Yeah?
-I hate to be the
one to tell you this.
We all talked it over,
and we've decided to, uh--
-Shun you.
-Yeah, we'll I'm shunning you.
-Well, I shun you first.
-Yeah, I shun you back.
-I double shun you, version 2.1.
-I shun you version 2.2.
-I shun you version
3 for Windows.
-This isn't getting us anywhere.
We'll be right back.
-I super mega frigging shun you.
-I frigging shun me back.
-Oh, yeah, well,
I giga shun you.
-Yeah, well, I shun you next.
-No one's shunning.
Let's watch this, please.
-Fashions by Jean Paul Gaultier.
-Shut up.
-Oh, he must be going to a
Packer game later. [CHUCKLES]
-Oh, god, he's gonna drink
Liz Taylor's "Poison."
-Rat Fink is an
incredibly villain.
He isn't focused at all.
-Mm hmm.
-Although he did have the
right amount of chains.
-Mm, convenient.
-(VILLAINOUS VOICE) Who
will be Miss Chrysanthemum?
-This nectar, my dear girls, is
the most potent tranquilizing
agent ever devised.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Yeah, fine.
Just don't tickle us.
-It gives me strength, enables
me to solve great mysteries
that mortal man has
never dreamed of before.
[LAUGHING]
-Like how did Thea
the Doll get a series?
-I'd ask you to join
me, but then you
will have your opportunity
sooner than you realize.
[LAUGHING]
-(FEMALE VOICE) Could
you hang us upside down?
We're Bat Women.
-The tranquilizer habit.
You ain't nothing if you can't
swim without them, fatso.
-Now you hear this.
I'll have none of
your insolence.
You're in no
position, any of you,
to show off your bad manners.
-Manners, he says?
[LAUGHS]
-Oh, hang on.
Let me check my soup.
-All right, Neon.
I'll throw the dark current.
-(VILLANOUS VOICE)
Now do it now.
[LAUGHS] I'm throwing
the dark current now.
-(SINGING) Jingleheimer Schmidt.
(SPEAKING VOICE) Hi, we're
back from Camp Snoopy.
-[CHUCKLES]
-Uh, are we in this scene?
Or are we supposed to be
back with the mole people?
[GROANS]
-Where's the other girl?
Isn't she with you?
-Uh, Tiger is
locking up the place.
He'll bring her
right along to you.
-[CHUCKLING] Oh, good.
-Uh, should I just throw
these on the bed, or--
-We have room for just
one more. [LAUGHING]
-(FEMALE VOICE) You're
funny, Bat Fink.
-Well, Neon, what do you
think of our little menagerie?
-[CHUCKLING]
-It's marvellous,
simply marvellous.
What is it?
-I gotta go again.
-What?
-I gotta go.
-Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Do do do.
-All right.
But don't cause any commotion.
Uh, walk slowly now.
-You know, David Bowie
did the stage version.
-Oh, yeah.
-He had King Vitamin
for breakfast.
-Rat Fink, you have a
perfectly beautiful,
beautiful collection.
-[CHUCKLES] Blaaa.
[MAKES_FARTING_NOISE]
-If I may say so, this time
you have outdone yourself.
-Yeah, whatever.
I've got things to do.
-Yes.
But what I want to ask you--
-(EUROPEAN ACCENT) Where
in Europe am I from?
-Uh, what I want to
ask you, Rat Fink is--
-Yes, Neon?
-Uh, what's the
fastest land animal?
---several days now
and, and, and, I,
I just want to look in on them
to see if everything is nice.
Then, I I will come right back.
I promise you.
-Never mind the monsters, Neon.
-Here's the Sex Pistols.
---on them myself.
-But you never let
me see them anymore.
You're always putting me off.
-Hm?
-They are my monsters, Rat Fink.
I, I created them with these--
-[MOANING]
---two hands, with this mind--
-Are you saying, Neon,
that my own creations
are something less than yours?
-And you, Tin Man, step forward.
-Of course not, Rat Fink.
Uh, we both know the,
the value your great work
will bring to the world.
-Oh, get your nose
out of my butt
and go see your
precious monsters.
-You'll be quite
pleased to know, Neon,
that all of your monsters
will soon be multiplied.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Uh, Mr. Fink?
Uh, sir, could we
get a pop over here?
-Why do you think I
have these girls here?
-I give up.
Why?
-Partners would be difficult
to find. [LAUGHING]
-Stop laughing like that.
-The offspring should be
most interesting. [LAUGHING]
-Stop it.
-[GROANS]
-Those girls and my monsters?
Oh, why that's,
that's wonderful.
-At what point do
they free Willy?
-Hey, w-- Huh?
-OK, Tiger, I'll
pull the switch.
-You know, it's possible they're
making an electric Santa Claus.
-[CHUCKLES] At this point,
they could be doing anything.
-You.
-I like her.
-Yes, it's me.
-[BABBLING]
-You're wondering
how I found you.
-[GRUNTS]
-You should know me
better than that.
-My breasts led me here.
-A cave, of all places.
It was so elementary, Rat Fink.
I don't know how you
could have taken the bait.
-I'm still here, and I--
-I knew you would
kidnap my girls.
And that's what I counted on.
-Hm.
That's a homing device.
-But men like it too.
-Each one of the girls
carries oscillators
set for my own frequency.
And this not only picks
them up but also frees them.
[LASER GUN BEEPING]
[CHAINS CRASHING]
-Free the others.
Use your magnetic
electron device.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Well, why
don't I just unhook them?
-Hey, Tiger, why'd you
let her creep up on you?
-(ENGLISH ACCENT) I can
hear my heart breaking.
-I didn't have to
creep up on him.
He realized of his
own making that he
would do the honorable thing
and set that girl free.
-Hmm?
-This boy has fallen in love.
[MEN CONGRATULATING
TIGER TOGETHER]
-She's recapping things
from other movies.
-Uh, may I introduce myself?
-[MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER
3000 GROUP TOGETHER] No.
-My name is Flanagan,
Jim Flanagan.
I am vice president of the
Ayjax Development Corporation.
-We're all vice presidents
of the Ayjax Development
Corporation.
---have a little
pow-wow that we can iron
this out and put it a new way.
Uh, um, Mr. Rat Fink, I
understand you have our, uh--
-Hold the microphone
steady, Batwoman.
-Thank you.
That's a very good idea, to, to
sit down and talk things over
around the table.
I could whip up
something for the brain.
-[BABBLING]
-I will have something
for all of us,
and I have something
else for you in mind.
-Yes?
-Forget it, professor.
-I'm holding--
-I've had enough--
---the hair dryer.
---of those pills of yours.
I have no desire
to be made happy.
-Well, how would like to
try out the poison pill?
-[BABBLING]
-Well, professor, now
that you mentioned it,
maybe just a little--
-Now listen to me.
I've had enough of this
dribble, all of you.
-Speak into the mic.
-You're forgetting
where you are.
-And what movie you're in.
-This is a sanctuary of science.
-Hm?
-A place of--
-Sanctuary.
---discovery.
-Was a place of discovery.
You'll carry out the
work of evil no longer.
And I'll find a
satisfaction I've
waited for much too
long, your true identity.
-Woah, my nose.
-Remove his mask, 14.
-No!
-I think it's going
to be Tony Roberts.
-I don't know.
-I fear your weapon,
Batwoman, but I
have no wish to be destroyed.
-Want some cider?
-I have an emergency
call for the revelation
of the greatest
discovery of my career.
-Oh, great.
-My fabulous body divider will
render things most difficult
for you, I'm certain.
-Stay where you are.
-Huh.
-All right.
I will.
-The compliant villain, can do.
-Maybe it's Ron Leibman.
Hmm.
-Yeah.
-[LAUGHING]
-Wh--
-I needed your
reflection, Batwoman.
I'm still over there, and
at the same time I'm here.
And look, I'm there and
there too. [LAUGHING]
-Or maybe it's Madonna?
Or John Candy?
Or Adrienne Barbeau?
-Oh.
Hold them.
-[LAUGHING] You'll never--
-[MOCKING_LAUGHTER]
-[MOCKING_LAUGHTER]
-I'll keep on dividing
myself until you
lose count. [LAUGHING]
-I'll divide myself
into quarter acre lots.
I'll build houses so
close to myself, you
won't be able to catch
me. [MOCKING LAUGHTER]
-What is this?
Some kind of a weird-ass
hootenanny all of a sudden?
-(SINGING) It's a hootenanny.
-Gina.
-You know a movie
is bad, bad, bad
if it makes "The
Monkees" look good.
-Mm hmm.
-(SINGING) I know that you are
out there somewhere having fun.
-(FEMALE VOICE) You never come
and see the baby, you rat.
-This is like a classic
"Loopy de Loop" episode,
except I'm laughing
to kill myself.
-[CHUCKLES]
-Maybe they'll all turn
into butter and nuts.
-Woah.
There's a bride
for every brother.
-OK, OK.
People, if I could get
all the dancing Rat
Finks to one side of the stage
and all the singing Rat Finks
to the other, please.
-(FEMALE VOICE) And you never
help me around the house.
I hate you.
-Zany, huh?
-I wish I was
hanging by that rope.
-Yeah, me too.
-Looks so good.
-[HICCUPPING] Uh, just one
more. [MAKES_GLUGGLING_NOISES]
-Bless you, bless you.
Go in peace.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Excuse me.
That's my cape.
Excuse me.
-Kill me.
Kill me.
-Batwoman, can you do something?
Somebody's gonna get killed.
-Definitely acceptable losses.
-Mm hmm.
-I think so.
---allowable capacity
of 2.4 micropherics.
If the cap--
-Wait.
What?
---electronic cease to floor--
(FEMALE VOICE) Take two a
day until the rash goes down.
---start his equipment.
-Well, if he has
power enough, I'll
need several thousand volts
linked with what I have.
-(FEMALE VOICE) I'm trying
to get all things considered.
-You can do it.
Now turn this
slowly, very slowly.
-[SINGING_ALONG_WITH_MUSIC]
-Thank you.
We wish we could hire you all,
but there is only one part.
You were all
wonderful Rat Finks.
-I can say one thing for you.
You have a tremendous
generating plant here.
-Thank you.
-It's been used properly
now for the first time.
Your little game has
finally come to an end.
-You'll not win out
over me, Batwoman.
-[LAUGHS] I've got a pencil
sharpener and a bowl of sugar,
and I'll use them.
-You know what's
in this? bottle?
It's Cobalt-40.
-It's bubblicious.
-A few drops of this on the
hearing aid, and the atoms
will begin to split.
-Batwoman, he knows
about the mischief.
-I'll do it, Batwoman.
I'll do it if you force my hand.
-[MIMICKING_BANJO_MUSIC]
-I don't wanna die
because of you.
-You're a fink, Rat Fink.
-[LAUGHS]
-[GRUNTS]
-Here, here.
-Uh huh.
-Then that's it, Rat Fink.
Remove his mask.
-[GASPS] William Faulkner!
-Wow.
-JB?
-Hideous.
-Yes.
-Please do not reveal
the secret to "The Wild,
Wild World of Batwoman."
-But--
-[GROANING]
--in all these years, you've
been leading a double life?
-You wild man.
-You went to all this trouble
to steal your own invention?
-I had to do it.
-(GOOFY VOICE) Hello.
Hi.
Excuse me.
Ooh.
Ohh.
Excuse me.
Coming through here.
Pardon me.
-They insisted on 51
tickets being destroyed.
-Oh, has anybody seen my wallet?
-I couldn't allow that.
-[HUMMING] Hm.
Nom, nom, nom.
-I just have one
little weakness.
-Weakness?
What weakness?
-Dive bars.
I love them.
-Well--
-Somebody give Heathcliff
a rawhide chew.
---little idiosyncrasies.
-I stalk Rue McClanahan.
-My weakness is-- I
know this sounds trite,
but I can't help myself.
-I should be
sternly disciplined.
-Oh, yes.
-I like to listen in on
telephone conversations.
-Ahh.
-The hearing aid was
designed for that purpose.
I realized that only by
having it stolen from--
-What the--?
---myself could I hope
to have it preserved.
-Somehow that got in there.
Sorry, folks.
---for long.
And neither will we.
-He spilled the Cobalt on it.
-Huh?
-It's too late!
It's seeming through the outer--
-[MIMICKING_BANJO_MUSIC]
-[MIMICKING_BANJO_MUSIC]
-[HUMMING]
[ALL STOP ABRUPTLY]
-Oh.
-[YELLING]
-Neon, Batwoman, we gotta
find a way outta here!
-Be quiet.
-We must swim out to the ocean.
-[MIMICKING_BANJO_MUSIC]
-[MIMICKING_BANJO_MUSIC]
---in a few minutes will
be the only way out.
Everyone, move!
-Well, I think we're
outta the woods as far
as chasing Rat Fink
around the table anymore.
-Mm hmm.
-[HUMMING]
-[MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER
3000 GROUP TOGETHER] Ahh!
-Oh.
-[MOCK_SOBBING]
-(SINGING) People
try to put us down.
-(SINGING) Talking
about my gener--
-Woah.
-Huh?
-Woah.
-Oh.
-(SINGING) I'll shoot myself
if we ever meet again.
Doesn't matter where,
doesn't matter when.
-This is my favorite
scene so far.
-Mm.
-This one.
-"The Wild, Wild
World of Batwoman"
now concludes its broadcast day.
-[WHISTLING]
-(MOCK NARRATOR VOICE) In Grant
Park, on Lake Shore Drive.
-[LAUGHING] [SOBBING] Why?
Why?
-They're like drift babies.
Um, a little more
to the left, please.
-Yeah.
-Uh, pan left.
-Hi.
-[CHUCKLES]
-Oh.
-Harder, harder.
-This beach is just one big
litter box to him. [GROANS]
-Ew.
-[GRUNTS] Wars, Professor Neon.
-[GROANING]
-Neon, what happened?
-[GRUNTS]
-I can't remember a thing.
-[LAUGHS] Heathcliff, you've
gotten your voice back!
-Yes.
Yes, of course.
My voice-- voice-- I-- Yes.
-And now it's "Flowers
for Algernon."
-I remember now.
It's coming back to me.
But-- but it's been a long time.
-Huh.
-Well, 14 years.
-Another plot?
-14 years?
-Oh, thank godH Heathcliff
got his voice back.
-Oh.
-We-- we were working
on an experiment,
one that would bring
out the personality
traits of an animal.
-Yes.
-But Professor Neon--
-What about the hearing aid?
Am I crazy?
Wasn't that the plot?
-I gave you--
-[SIGHS]
---some of the formula.
-You gave me some
of the formula?
-Mm hmm.
-Me, your friend,
your benefactor,
the one who's
financing your work?
-Well, I--
-Mike, I demand
that you kill me.
-Me too.
-No, no.
-But I've taken care of you.
-Can't have much to go.
-All of these years, I,
I've taken care of you.
And I'm thankful for that.
-Will you kill me?
-But we'll have to
discuss this, Neon.
We'll have to discuss
this quite thoroughly.
Now come along.
Let's get away from this place.
-And another thing,
you kissed me before.
What was that about?
-I, I can't straighten up.
[GROANS]
-No.
-You can't straighten your back?
-[GROANS]
-Well, don't fret, professor.
Just give me your hand.
-Did we kill you?
-Really, who could not
appreciate the irony here?
Huh?
-(SINGING) And your
brains ain't up to par.
And your ears stick out too far.
Oh, Hamburger Hill.
[BAT GIRLS CHANTING]
-Good.
I'm hungry.
-(BAT GIRLS TOGETHER) --who
are dedicated to Batwoman,
take our oath with
all sincerity.
-Oh, boy.
-(BAT GIRLS TOGETHER)
We, the girls,
wh are dedicated
to Batwoman, take
our pride with all sincerity.
-And another troupe
is brainwashed.
-(BAT GIRLS TOGETHER
WITH TIGER) We,
the girls who are
dedicated to Batwoman,
fight against evil
with all sincerity.
-Oh, no.
Jackie Vernon
joined up with them.
-He's not a girl.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Now.
-You're one of us now, Tiger,
so you gotta do it right.
-Uh-oh.
-Oh, boy.
-Oh, no.
I have to think
about his hips again.
-Avert your eyes.
-D'oh.
-Boy, their training
is rigorous.
It's like the Israeli Army.
-No, it's better.
-Oh.
-It's cuter.
I like-- Well-- well.
Heathcliff, what a
wonderful dual role.
-No, no.
Everything's quite satisfactory.
-It's that one Kid in the Hall.
-Yeah.
He's turned into
Paul Lynde here.
-[CHUCKLES]
---unheard of in
my college days.
-[SINGING_ALONG_TO_MUSIC]
-In fact, if I'd made
movements like that,
I'dve been firmly
boxed in the ears.
-Well, the music's
terrible, but at least
it's drowning out the dialogue.
-I figured out what went
wrong with Neon's experiments.
-[BABBLING]
-[BABBLING]
-As a child, I fell on my head.
-Good.
-[CHUCKLES]
---my turning into
a celestial genius.
-Batwoman's medallion is
just like right there.
-The explosion,
of course, brought
upon the very same results.
-Hmm?
-You know, it's simply amazing
what can be accomplished by--
-Meh.
---a simple blow to
the head. [CHUCKLES]
-Hi.
I'm Merv Griffin.
Ooh.
-Now hold still.
-Hmm?
-Oh.
-Ow.
-What a talent.
Shelley Berman, folks.
You know, this is
what happened when,
when the guy that thinks he's
a hoot gets into a movie.
-Yep.
-[WHISTLING]
-You're rather cheeky.
-Ohh.
-Woah.
You outta have that looked at.
-I'll look at it.
-I'ma going to.
-My goodness.
-[SIGHS]
-[HUMMING_ALONG_WITH_MUSIC]
-Oh no!
-[CHUCKLES] If I ever
get back to Earth,
the first thing I do--
-See your family?
-Nope.
I'm gonna hunt
down Jerry Warren.
-Good.
-Slow down.
You're going to
dislocate something.
-[LAUGHS] Not since Dean
Jones in "The Love Bug," eh?
-Oh!
Oh!
(FEMALE VOICE) Oh, he's
leaving an oil slick.
Help!
-Huh.
-Oh, Donald.
Oh, Donald.
Oh.
(SCREAMING) End!
End!
-[CHUCKLES]
-What a wild, wild world.
-Please stay away from sharp
instruments for three weeks
after viewing this film, and
do not operate heavy equipment.
Thank you.
-So why does Crow get a
chance to respond, Mike?
-Well, it's due process.
As the accused, he's owed
a chance to defend himself.
-Oh.
-Plus, it gives him hope.
And that should make killing
him an even richer experience.
-Oh.
-We're not gonna kill him.
And take the hood off.
-Oh.
-Well, I'm here for
my last-ditch hearing.
I've got a statement.
Hi, everyone. [CHUCKLES] Well,
where to start? [CHUCKLES]
-Should we listen?
We're shunning him.
-No, we should listen.
-Oh, good.
It's hard to shun.
I keep forgetting.
-If it please the court--
-It pleases the court.
Quiet, everyone.
-[CLEARS_THROAT] As I
think back on my life,
I see basically a good robot.
A robust and exemplary
youth was followed
by an unusually religious
and public-spirited
young adulthood.
Then I began my life of service,
being crushed into an ingot,
being hung upside
down in chains.
-You know, it's really true.
-Yet all that matters not,
for trouble has found me.
-Oh.
-I stand accused of cheating.
And here is where the
story becomes complex.
-Complex?
You copied my paper.
What's complex about--
-Shh.
-If my actions, if
my creative methods
for obtaining information have--
-He copied my whole paper.
-Shh.
-If those methods have been
perceived by some as less
than on the up and up, this
causes me so much pain.
-Can we just kill him now?
-Perhaps, in my purity, I
did not recognize temptation.
-[SCOFFS]
-The tragedy is
almost too perfect.
But I accept the consequences.
I forgive Mike for forcing
me into this situation.
-Well--
-He did not realize the
trap he was setting.
-Wait a minute.
-I forgive Servo and Gypsy.
-He copied my frigging paper!
-Down he goes!
Down!
-And I forgive myself.
-Huh.
-Thank you.
-[CHUCKLES]
-I await your verdict.
-Well, Crow, uh, first off,
it seems like you never really
got to the apology.
-No.
-Oh, uh, right.
[CLEARS_THROAT] In an otherwise
selfless and velvet life--
-Velvet?
---I have cheated.
And when you cheat, you make an
eat out of C and H. I'm sorry.
-The court finds the
defendant guilty.
[SOBBING]
-Oh!
-But he's basically
a decent guy.
So he and all his
friends are sentenced
to eating Hostess Sno
Balls all night long.
-Yay!
-Whoo hoo!
-[LAUGHING]
-I was with ya out
of line, buddy.
-Really?
-I hope you never fry.
-Oh, thank you.
-Hey, guys, wanna read a letter?
-Hey, yeah.
-Oh, sure.
-We got a letter here from,
uh, a guy named Eric Bauman.
Hey, put it up on still store.
-OK.
Put that on still store.
-Oh.
Hey, neat.
-And here's what he says.
He says, I will soon
be starting law school.
-Oh.
-And I would like
to represent you
in a suit against Dr.
Forrester and TV's Frank.
-Oh.
-I could have used a lawyer.
-I believe that you
have on your hands
a clear case of wrongful
marooning in space
and may be entitled
to a large cash award.
-Wow.
Cash.
-(SOUTHERN ACCENT) Eric, you're
gonna do the right thing, son.
You're gonna protect
the firm, right?
And by the way, we
got some pictures
of you and your
girlfriend. [CHUCKLES]
-Oh, no, no, no.
-Give them the address.
-OK.
Address for the Mystery Science
Theater Information Club,
Post Office Box 5325
Hopkins, Minnesota 55343.
Do it today.
-What do you think, sirs?
-Hmm?
-I admit, I ask you
to do this, Frank.
I mean, I wanted to take a risk.
-And you did.
You did.
You really look-- [YELLING]
-Oh, really?
That good?
The way the sideburns
are that way?
Well, I, I like it.
I do like it.
I'm very happy with my
decision. [CHUCKLES]
Now be a dear and push the
button, will you, Frank?
Frank?
Oh, never mind.
I'll get it. [CHUCKLES] Woah.
[THEME MUSIC]
-[LAUGHING]
too-distant future, way down
in Deep 13, Dr.
Forrester and TV's Frank
were hatching an evil scheme.
They hired a temp by the name
of Mike, just a regular joe
they didn't like.
Their experiment needed
a good test case,
so they conked him on the noggin
and they shot him into space.
Get me down!
We'll send him cheesy movies,
the worst we can find.
La la la.
He'll have to sit
and watch them all,
and we'll monitor his mind.
La la la.
Now keep in mind
Mike can't control
where the movies begin or end.
La la la.
He'll try to keep his sanity
with the help of his robot
friends.
Robot roll call.
Cambot.
Show yourself.
Gypsy.
I'm not ready.
Tom Servo.
Hello there.
Croooow.
That's one O.
If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes
and other science facts.
La la la.
Just repeat to yourself,
it's just a show.
I should really just relax.
for "Mystery Science
Theater 3000."
-OK, OK.
Welcome to the Satellite
of Love, everyone.
Mike, Tom, Crow, and
Gypsy are the names,
and blackjack is the game.
Blackjack, 21, blackjack.
-Blackjack.
-Oh, I'll stick.
-You can't stick until I
deal you a card, you loon.
-OK, I stick now.
Hey, this isn't so
hard. [CHUCKLES]
-You can't have 21
with just one card.
-OK, OK.
Hit me.
No, no!
I stick now!
I'll stick!
-Oh, man.
I just can't handle
this anymore.
-Should I spit on your
dice now or not or--
-OK, now me.
-OK.
-Me me me me me me me me me.
Hit me.
Hit me.
-Ooh.
-Uh, hit me.
Hit me.
-[CHUCKLES]
-Hit me.
-Don't you want to
check your cards?
-Just keep them
coming, bartender.
I said hit me.
Hit me.
Hit me.
-[SIGHS]
-Uh, hit me.
Hit me.
Hit me.
-That's ridiculous.
You want to go check
Lou Rawls on the bar?
-Hit me.
Hit me.
Hit me.
-We'll be right back.
-Hit me.
Hit me.
Hit me.
Uh, hit me.
Hit me.
Hit me.
Uh, hit me.
Hit me.
Hit me.
Hit me.
Uh, OK, I want to double down.
-D'oh.
-(ITALIAN ACCENT) Hey, Mike, you
want I should call the pit boss
over for to break his thumbs?
-No.
Well--
-Uh, hey, Mike.
Some-- someone's calling.
Oh, it's probably Dr.
Fassbender and TV's Fred.
Come in.
-Ah, Mike.
Not that I care about
impressing you or anything,
but check out my
invention exchange.
Ta-da.
It's the atomic-powered
hair dryer.
How you doing down there, Dr. F?
-Oh, I'm fine, Frank.
I'm just trying to settle
on a look, you know.
-That's great.
Be with you in a minute.
-All right.
-OK, Nelson, see if you
can follow me on this one.
Atomic power, efficient,
dirt cheap, relatively few
meltdowns.
Modern hair dryers,
inefficient, expensive to run,
and-- OK, I admit, uh,
relatively few meltdowns.
But my atomic-powered
hairdryer works
in a fraction of the time.
-Uh, Frank, what look
do you think is better?
The Niels Bohr or
the Richard Feynman?
-Oh, I'd go with the Bohr.
-Really?
-The Feynman would make
your face look too chubby.
-OK.
I'll take your
recommendation. [CHUCKLES]
-OK, great.
Just gonna put these
goggles on here.
How you doing?
You comfortable?
-Oh, I'm fine.
Uh, Frank is this safe?
-Of course it's safe.
Uh, what could
possibly go wrong?
You comfortable in there?
-(IRRITATEDLY) Yes.
Get on with it.
-OK.
-[SIGHS]
-Hold, please.
We have zero coif.
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
[LOUD THUNDER CLAP]
-OK.
Let's see how you're doing,
get you all combed out here--
-[SIGHS]
---see how you look.
-[SIGHS]
-I'm sure everything
I'll be-- [YELLS] Demon!
Demon!
Stay away from me!
[YELLS]
-Frank, what is it?
-Oh, nothing, nothing.
Nothing at all.
[CHUCKLES] Just thought
you were Baphomet
there for a minute.
Hair looks great, though.
Great.
-Oh, thank you.
-[CHUCKLES] Back up to you, Mac.
-I don't get them.
-Um, Mike, our invention.
-Right.
Uh, Crow, take point.
-OK.
Let's talk about
unsightly hair that
grows on your back, back hair.
-Mm hmm.
-It's disgusting.
-Yeah.
-You'll never know
the touch of a woman
unless you rid yourself
of it immediately.
-Crow.
-[SPITS] Oh, oh, uh, not
that back hair is bad.
[CHUCKLES] Some
people might like it.
-Yeah, if you're an
alien or something.
-Whatever the
case, our invention
is called the Razorback,
and it gives you
the option of getting rid of
your back hair if you want to.
-And you should, for god's sake.
-Ugh.
-Now I'll demonstrate on
the back of my jumpsuit
because-- [CHUCKLES]-- I
don't have any back hair.
-Yeah.
No back hair.
The man's a timber wolf.
-You slather on the lather with
this specially-made applicator
like that.
-Mm.
I like this part.
-And then one stroke of the
feather-light Razorback,
and all your back hair
problems are gone.
-It's about time,
you big ugly yak.
-Crow.
-Bu-- but it looks
good on some people.
-Right.
-What do you think, sirs?
-[GASPS] [CHUCKLES] Hey,
it, it really is a new you.
-Really?
Oh, jeez.
I can't believe you don't have
a mirror around here, Frank.
I'm, I'm dying. [CHUCKLES]
-[YELLING] [GASPING]
-Uh, anyway, Mike,
uh, your movie
is called "The Wild,
Wild World of Batwoman."
And for all I know it stars
Robert Conrad and Ross
Martin. [CHUCKLES]
But I doubt it.
There's also a
short on cheating.
Come on, Frank.
I've got to see how it came out.
-(FRIGHTENEDLY)
Don't come near me!
(NORMAL VOICE) Hair looks great.
Love it.
-Oh, good.
Good.
-Jeez, I really roughed
myself up there.
-I'll say.
Sweeney Todd's
playing on your back.
-Yeah.
-I got the styptic.
-[YELLS] [GROANS]
-Oh, stop crying.
[BUZZER SOUNDING]
-Movie time!
[ALL YELLING]
-Movie time!
Movie time! [YELLS]
-OK.
Let's go.
-[HUMMING]
-[HUMMING_AND_SINGING]
(SINGING) There's a wonderful--
(SPEAKING VOICE) Cheating.
How to make it work for
you at home and on the job.
-[CHUCKLES]
-A Centron production.
Although we got the idea
from a different company,
because we're cheating.
Thank you.
A Jack Benny program.
-Ebenezer Scrooge.
-Hmm.
-Oh, why don't they call?
-Because they don't like you.
-They've had plenty
of time to decide.
-A young Franz Kafka
awaits his fate.
Hmm.
-I think I'll go
write so nocturnes.
[GROANS]
-For depressing--
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
---phone sex, dial
1-900-ALFALFA.
-Oh, the Foley guy must be--
-Hello?
---calling.
-[CHUCKLES]
-Yes, this is John.
-I saw what you did.
-Yes, I know why you're calling.
They did?
(DISAPPOINTEDLY) Oh, they did.
-They found the body, huh?
-No.
I guess that's it then.
Thanks anyway.
-And his parents
officially cut ties.
Good thing I have my Paxil.
Jeez, this kid could
freak out Jame Gumb.
-Hmm.
-You know what this room needs?
A plant.
-Ooh.
Hmm.
-[MAKES_BUZZING_NOISES]
-[SINGING_CIRCUS-STYLE_MUSIC]
-Oh, hey, come on in, Jim.
-[MAKES_EXPLOSION_NOISES]
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
-Did you hear about John Taylor?
They voted him out as student
council representative.
-(WHISPERING) Did you
hear about John Taylor?
Who's John Taylor?
-Who?
John--
-(SINGING) What's the
story, morning glory?
What's the word, hummingbird?
Did you kiss him and cry?
---Taylor.
NARRATOR: You a cheat, John?
-Huh.
NARRATOR: John,
what have you done?
-Mother Teresa called.
She hates you.
NARRATOR: Remember how it all
started, the day you went over
to Mary's house
to study the test.
-Oh.
NARRATOR: Remember?
-There are not enough bell
towers in the world for Johnny.
-All right, John.
Now look.
The problem is to factor x
squared minus 9x plus 20.
Now how do you do it?
-I can't do it.
-Oh, let's just cheat.
-x squared minus 9x plus 20.
You take the x squared
minus the 9x and--
-Uh-uh.
Nobody home, huh?
-Oh, you subtract x from
x squared, and then you--
-(FEMALE VOICE) John,
this is geography.
-Aw, golly, Mary.
I don't know anything about
this factoring business.
-John, you do too.
-Woah.
-Now the answer
is the quantity x
minus 5 times the
quantity x minus 4.
-(WHISPERING) Of course.
-Now do you see how I got it?
-Yeah, I guess I do.
But golly, Mary,
this stuff's awful.
I just don't get most of it.
-You'll just have to or you
won't pass the test tomorrow.
-I know it.
Mary--
-Will you kill me?
---if I get stuck on the test,
you'll help me, won't you?
-[GASPS]
-[GASPS]
-How can I help you?
-It's easy.
Miss Granby hardly ever
comes back to where we sit.
-Huh.
-If I get stuck, I'll just
ask you for the answer.
-Plot point.
-Well, I don't know.
-Oh, forget it.
I probably won't have
any trouble anyway.
-[MOCKING_LAUGH]
-Boobie.
NARRATOR: But you remember what
happened the next day, John.
-You commited a mortal sin.
NARRATOR: Miss Granby's
test was even tougher
than you thought it would be.
-[GROANS]
NARRATOR: There were a lot of
problems you couldn't work.
-[GROANS]
NARRATOR: And it seemed
to you that you didn't
stand a chance--
-Stop it.
Stop the voices in my head.
[GROANS]
NARRATOR: And right
there in front of you
sat your pal, Mary,
with her head chock
full of all the
answers you needed.
-Split it open now.
NARRATOR: You thought about it.
There you were,
desperate, and there
was your salvation
within arm's reach.
-On a doily.
NARRATOR: So you decided
to take a chance.
-(LOUDLY) Psst.
Hey, Mary, what's the answer?
NARRATOR: You asked
Mary for help.
And of course, Mary, being
Mary, gave you the help.
-Sweet Mary, no!
Don't.
NARRATOR: It was all so simple.
You began to wonder why
you spent so much time
worrying about the test.
-Huh.
NARRATOR: Yes, sir.
You felt pretty
pleased with yourself.
-Yeah.
NARRATOR: You'd put one over--
NARRATOR: --on Miss Granby.
A few days later, Miss Granby
returned the graded papers.
-Your one mistake, you signed
your test Mary Matthews.
Oops.
-(FEMALE VOICE) This contract
arrived for you from a Mr.
Elzebub.
-For the first time,
Johnny feels real power.
NARRATOR: Was there a shadow
of doubt in Miss Granby's face
as she looked at you?
-Or was it lust?
NARRATOR: What was there
for Miss Granby to doubt?
After all, wasn't
this the best grade
you'd ever made on
an algebra test?
-Well-- [CHUCKLES]
NARRATOR: Maybe that was it.
-Hmm.
NARRATOR: Maybe the
grade was too good.
-Hmm.
-Mm.
NARRATOR: Somehow that
odd little look Miss
Granby gave you
seemed to harm you.
-Did you really--
-Ow.
---earn that--
-Hi, Miss Granby.
[GASPS] [YELLING]
JOHN NARRATING: Aw, she
didn't mean anything.
That test wasn't very
important anyway.
-Yeah, just keep
telling yourself that.
NARRATOR: Yes, you thought
it was just a little thing,
but it was the beginning
of all your troubles.
-(ITALIAN ACCENT)
You talking to me?
Hey.
NARRATOR: After that,
life went on for you
pretty much as usual.
You were busier than
ever with sports--
-Shaving points
---with Mary and
your friend Jim,
and most of all with your new
job as the student council
representative.
-I envision a cheating wing.
NARRATOR: You'd always wanted
to be on the student council.
And you were really
proud of yourself the day
you were elected to
take Jack Martin's
place when he moved out of town.
-Under mysterious circumstances.
NARRATOR: But now with
the honor of the job
went the necessity of
keeping your grades up.
-And your enemies down.
NARRATOR: And that
was your problem.
-Dear Joe McGinniss--
[TELEPHONE RINGING
---I admire-- Uh-oh.
Oh, oh.
-Maybe he'd do better
if he had parents.
-Yeah.
-[CHUCKLES
-Hello?
JIM (ON TELEPHONE): This is Jim.
-In the next room?
JIM (ON TELEPHONE): Let's
go down to Sam's and get
a hamburger.
-I can't, Jim.
I've got homework to do.
JIM (ON TELEPHONE): Oh,
don't worry about it.
You've got plenty of time.
-(FEMALE VOICE) I will
bring you down, Johnny.
-OK.
Let's go get a hamburger.
I'll see you in a minute.
-Now was this Ingmar
Bergman's first American film?
-[CHUCKLES] I think.
NARRATOR: The big
clock in the hall
went on ticking off its
even measure of time.
And you went on as before.
-Shh.
-Eating hamburgers
while the world cried.
NARRATOR: You and Mary were
still the best of friends.
But Mary had assumed
greater importance to you.
You came to depend upon her
more and more in your school
work, although you
scarcely realized it.
-You worked her
like a punch press--
NARRATOR: It wasn't--
---Johnny.
NARRATOR: --that Mary was
any smarter than you were.
It was just, well, that she
seemed to find more time--
-Well.
NARRATOR: --to study.
-Well.
NARRATOR: And you were
student council representative
and a very busy fellow.
-You've gotta help me.
What's the answer
to number nine?
-Shh.
-[SIGHS]
-(FEMALE VOICE) I
smell a big commie rat.
-John--
-Oh.
[GASPS]
---bring it up here, please.
-[MAKING_BUZZER_SOUND]
-Ding, ding, ding, ding.
-Put your pencil down, and
step away from your desk.
-(MIMICKING NARRATOR)
Fortunately,
your mob ties will
get you off, Johnny.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Gimme that.
Wow.
That's randy.
-I'm afraid I'll have to give
you both zero on the test.
-[GASPS]
-Ja wohl, mein Fuhrer.
-And both of you are to report
to me after school, please.
-[GASPS]
-Ohh.
-And so Dana Plato's
career began.
NARRATOR: So you
were caught, John.
You were exposed in
front of the class.
And what's more, Mary
was involved too,
Mary, who was only
trying to help.
-(MIMICKING NARRATORY) Mary,
who'll have to take the fall.
NARRATOR: And then
what happened?
-Spare some change?
NARRATOR: Your classmates seemed
to treat you a little coldly.
Perhaps it was because they
had studied and worked hard
for their grades.
-Yeah.
NARRATOR: Maybe they felt
that your cheating gave you
an unfair advantage.
-I belong in hell.
NARRATOR: And their
thoughts about you
were reflected in another way.
-(WHISPERING) Pig.
-Hey, what's up?
-Meeting of the student council.
-(SOUTHERN ACCENT) They're
hanging you in effigy.
-That's funny.
My name isn't on there.
I'm on student council.
-I don't think you'd want
to come to this meeting.
It's about you.
-[CHUCKLES]
-Me?
-That's what I hear.
-(SOUTHERN ACCENT) By the
way, have you seen my ribcage?
-[CHUCKLES]
-Say, would you mind calling
me after the meeting's over,
and let me know
how it comes out?
-No, I wouldn't mind.
-(SOUTHERN ACCENT)
We really should
be talking through our lawyers.
-No, I don't say that
what John did was right.
But I do think we ought to
give him another chance.
-You mean you think
we ought to let
him go on being in
the student council?
-I think we should.
-I don't.
-Will the senator yield?
---a good representative.
-That's right.
But I don't think anyone that
cheats should hold an office.
-That's right.
I think we should elect
a new representative.
[ALL ARGUING]
-All right.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
We won't get anywhere
by all talking at once.
Are we ready to take a vote now?
-Margaret Chase Smith.
-All in favor of giving
John another chance,
hold up your hand.
-Woah.
-All who think we should
elect a new student council
representative,
hold up your hand.
-Oh.
Holy cow.
-Well, I guess most of us
feel the same way about it.
Who's going to tell John?
-I'll tell him.
I said I'd call him when
the meeting was over.
I'll call him as
soon as I get home.
-(SOUTHERN ACCENT)
If you want, I
could turn him into furniture.
-John?
I guess you know
why I'm calling.
-[CHUCKLES]
-We had that meeting about
you a little while ago.
They decided to elect a new
student council representative.
-(SOUTHERN ACCENT) You made
some powerful enemies, son.
-I'm sorry, Johnny.
But I guess you know why.
-(SOUTHERN ACCENT) That
you, student councillor?
NARRATOR: Yes, John
knew why it was.
He'd been caught in a
trap of his own making
and had involved
his friends too.
He now found himself looked down
on by friends and classmates.
-I have to bathe mother.
NARRATOR: But did John really
intended to be dishonest?
-Or is he just pure evil?
NARRATOR: Should Mary
share any of the blame?
-Sure.
NARRATOR: Was it fair for
John to use Mary as he did?
-Yeah.
She was there.
[CHUCKLES]
NARRATOR: And what
about his classmates?
Did John's cheating
hurt them in any way?
-Give us Barabas.
-(ALL TOGETHER) Barabas.
Barabas.
NARRATOR: What do you think?
-Riddle me this, Batman.
[HIGH-PITCHED_LAUGH]
-The end for Johnny, at
least, you poor dope.
Ahh.
-Oh.
-Hey, I have my
four-year TV medallion.
-(SINGING) What do you
do when you're branded?
We watch TV. [CHUCKLES]
-Hey, maybe it's rope.
-Oh.
-Here's your wrist radio.
Wear it at all times.
-OK.
Where?
-On your wrist?
-(QUIETLY) Oh.
-If you want to talk,
push the button.
-Button?
-Not yet.
In a few minutes, you'll
be in direct communication
with the Batwoman herself.
-Angels, you're going
undercover with Adam West.
-Are you ready?
-Yeah, sure.
-(MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE) Tonight
on "The Red Shoe Diaries."
-Proceed.
-OK.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Yep.
Still there.
-Under Article 21,
paragraph 2, we
accept your allegiance
as a Bat Girl.
-Hmm.
-You will obey
all rules and obey
all orders handed
through channels.
-(WHISPERING) Weird.
-Weird.
-Now drink this.
-(FEMALE VOICE) It's Alba 66.
-Do I have to?
-(FEMALE VOICE) It's got chunks.
-It's part of the ritual.
-(SILLY VOICE) It's like
a party in my mouth,
and everyone's invited.
-Hey, it's good.
-[GIGGLES]
-(FEMALE VOICE) Ha ha.
Linda cracked a
funny, and it's fun.
-Now that you're one of us--
-[GIGGLES]
---I can tell.
We're vampires, all right.
But only in a synthetic sense.
-What?
-Drinking the real stuff
went out with Count Dracula.
-[CHUCKLES]
-So what's this?
A real grube.
-Honey, mint, cherry,
and strawberry yogurt.
-Wow.
-(FEMALE VOICE) It's like we're
smart, but we're not. [GIGGLES]
-This is one weird sorority.
Wow.
(MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE)
Vampirism, it does a body good.
-Woah.
-Huh?
Their five-year mission,
to be hot, hot, hot.
Wow.
-[WHISTLES]
-Hey, I gotta do something.
-Huh?
-Wh-- where are you-- what?
-Mike.
-I'll be back.
Don't worry about it.
-How, how rude.
-You should have done that
before we got here, Mike.
-He, he--
-Where's he going?
---can't do that.
-I know.
-Mike, honey, you're missing it.
We're not going to tell
what you're missing.
It's really good.
-Shh.
-Coming.
-Come, come on.
-(MOUTH FULL) OK.
-Hey, ow.
-What did I miss?
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Coming through.
-What did you miss?
Only the best credits ever.
Um, wh-- what do
you got them there?
-Huh?
Where?
-Wh-- what do you got
there in the bowl?
-Popcorn.
-You can't have
popcorn in the theater.
-What?
-Why not?
-Well, you just can't.
What a question.
-Well, I'm having some.
-Jeez.
You're really some kind
of maverick, aren't you?
-Can I have some?
-Yeah, me too?
-Is there butter?
-Um, I think it's just
butter-colored topping.
-Oh.
-Ohh.
-Here.
-Let me have some too, Mike.
-OK.
-[CHEWING_LOUDLY] Mmm.
-You want some?
-Yeah, yeah.
-I gotta ram it in there.
Huh?
-[CHEWING_LOUDLY] [COUGHS]
I got a hull. [SPITTING]
-Oh.
-[COUGHING]
-Oh.
-Help him out there, will ya?
-Here.
-[CHOKING]
-Let me get that.
-[GROANING]
-Oh, wow.
-Thank you.
-There it is.
-What d'your fingers taste like?
-Um, it's that caramel or
that, uh, cotton oil, I think.
-Oh.
-Oh, I hate that smell.
-His finger?
-No, no, no.
The oil, the--
-Oh.
---topping, the 30 weights.
-Can I ask a question?
-Mm hmm.
-Do we have to be paying
attention to the movie?
-Oh, yeah.
Jerry Warren.
Now there's something
clever I can-- Oh.
-(MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE)
We now join our confusing
sequence already in progress.
-(LOUDLY) I'm as mad as hell!
-It's a double-wide phone booth.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Thanks, Trevor.
-(MOCK NARRATOR VOICE) Little
Johnny, 30 years later.
-(DEMONIC VOICE) The exorcist.
-[WHISTLING]
-[WHISTLING]
-Hey, mate.
-Huh?
-Got a light?
-Sure, buddy.
-Why, sure.
Having trouble getting to
it because of all the money.
God, I got thousands in there.
-[GASPS] I am trying to give
this gentleman a light, please.
-Just hand over your wallet,
and you won't get hurt.
-Uh, could I take
the money out first?
-All right, fellas.
You want it?
You just have to
come and get it.
-The badfinger murders.
-What?
[GUNSHOT OFFSCREEN]
-OK.
You can have it.
-(DOPEY VOICE) Hey, it
works. [CHUCKLING] Oh.
-As a rule of thumb,
it's not a good idea
to look down the
barrel of a gun.
-No.
-Mm-mm.
-Or to drop it.
-Oh, well, (QUICKLY)
look at the time.
I got to go.
I have a doctor's appointment.
-Huh.
-Well, as long as
I'm down here, I'm
going to take his underpants.
-[GASPS]
-(MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE)
Attention Michele Pfeiffer.
-Bat Girl 14 to Batwoman.
14 to Batwoman.
Witnessed a hold-up
that turned to murder.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Didn't
do anything about it.
Over.
-I have descriptions.
-Hey, someone's throwing
out good fencing.
-The south alley
behind the Star Club.
-Huh?
-[SINGING_ALONG_TO_MUSIC]
-Woah.
-Holy cow.
That's 40 pounds of butt in
30-pound butt capacity pants.
-Whoo.
-[CHUCKLES]
-Hey, turn down the high beams.
-Wow.
The Batusi and the Twist Rumba.
-Patty Duke.
-[GASPS] Geraldine.
-Oh.
Kinda looks like Yogi Berra.
-What?
-Sorry.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Oh,
I slipped a disk.
Ohh.
-We're in the middle
of a k.d. lang fantasy.
-Wow.
-Women can just dance
with each other.
It's no big deal.
-No.
-[CHUCKLES] Think she rats much?
Wow.
-No, thank you.
I don't want to play
the crying game.
-Hi, honey.
Can I buy you a drink?
-OK, a Coke.
-Doy.
You have to go over here to get
it, because it's here, you see.
-(SILLY VOICE) How
about you, sugar?
-Goodbye, pork pie hat.
-Bye-bye.
-(SILLY VOICE) Hi.
I'm Johnny Two-Time,
uh, Johnny Two-Time.
Heh.
-His shirt just screams
British advertising executive.
-[LAUGHS]
-(SILLY VOICE) Uh, you
are a girl, aren't ya?
I made a mistake one time.
-I'm gonna order a shake.
-Yes, yes.
But what does it mean?
-(FEMALE VOICE) Focus.
-[SINGING_ALONG_TO_MUSIC]
-[LAUGHS] Um, folks,
take our word for it.
Something happened here.
-Yeah.
-Oh, and look.
Andy Capp needs more cigarettes.
-(ENGLISH ACCENT) Oh, I
need a pack of Rothmans.
-And despite all
this, life goes on.
-Yee hoo.
-Isn't it great?
-[CHUCKLES]
-Ha ha.
I'm thinking Yogi Berra.
-Yeah.
Oh, they just put a bunch
of movies in a blender
and pressed the mix button.
-(SILLY VOICE) That's
a great bar, Freddie.
You were right.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Oh.
What am I doing in a fake
car on a sound stage?
-You got a good constitution.
Snapped out of it real fast.
-Who are you?
-Never mind.
Just sit still and
behave yourself.
-Where are you taking me?
-On a boat ride.
-You don't have to worry.
You won't get seasick.
We make the cruise all the time.
-(SILLY VOICE) My boss.
-This is the first time that
a Bat Girl's gone along.
-So you're opening,
Jeff's middling,
and I'm the headliner.
-What do you mean Bat Girl?
-You don't have to play it dumb.
We know you're one of the
dolls working for Batwoman.
[CHUCKLES] Why do you think
we put the snatch on ya?
-[WHISTLES] Recording.
-Where did you say
you were taking me?
-What I said was for
you to sit still.
You do that, you'll make
it easy on yourself.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Hmm,
well, forget her.
-(FEMALE VOICE) I
don't like her either.
-Sounds like she's kidnapped.
But her radio's on.
-Call Batwoman.
Central line.
-Ooh.
There's a peeping Zorro outside.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
-Oh, never fails.
Every time I'm stalking.
Hmm?
Woah.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Good
morning, College Republicans.
-Batwoman speaking.
Who is this?
-Wow.
It's casual day at control bat.
-[CHUCKLES]
---picking it up on 05 too.
-[SIGHS]
-Good thinking.
-Should we get outta here?
---all girls in your proximity.
Hang up now and stand
by for instructions.
-You know, you guys as
enthralling as this Batwoman
movie is, I just can't get that
cheating short out of my mind.
-Hmm, ditto, friend.
-It posed so many
dilemmas, like did
Johnny intend to be dishonest?
Or should Mary share the blame?
-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah.
Was Mary just a pawn in
Johnny's little game?
-Which begs the
question of free will.
What about free will?
-Good one.
-And should his classmates
give him a second chance?
-Yeah.
-And why doesn't the accused
get a chance to defend himself?
-Yeah.
-Good point.
And should, uh, Miss
Grandy have just
come into Johnny's bedroom
uninvited and bodiless?
-Oh, that's true.
-What do you think
about that, Crow?
-Hmm.
-Uh, uh, the Beatles.
-Oh!
You haven't been
paying attention
at all, have you, Crow?
-Yes.
Uh, could we talk
about Mitchell?
-Now see what I mean?
-Hey, I know what let's do.
Let's answer the
questions that the short
posed in our own
personal essays.
-Oh, sure.
-That's an excellent
idea, Mr. Nelson.
That in and of itself
is a valuable exercise
in articulating one's thoughts
in a clear, concise manner.
-Oh?
-Now what's in it for us.
And by us, I mean me.
-(QUIETLY) I figured.
-Well, there is those Hostess
Sno Balls I've been saving.
-Oh!
-Mm.
Yum, yum, yum.
-I also want to be boss
of the ship for a month.
-Oh, please.
-Oh, we'll talk about that.
-And Servo has to do
my laundry for a year.
Even my underpants.
-You don't even wear underpants.
-Oh, you don't worry about that.
I'll take care of that.
-This is getting weird.
We'll be right back.
[THEME MUSIC]
-Huh.
-Oh, [SIGHS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
-Oh.
-But you said we'd
be taking a boat.
From the docks?
Or where?
-Look, what I said was--
-Look, you're kidnapped.
Could you act scared?
-Would you give me that, please.
-Hmm?
-So that's your
gimmick, a wrist radio.
Hey, that's not bad.
Not bad at all.
Hey, I'll--
-Hey, batter, batter.
Hey.
---talking right now.
Testing.
One, two, three.
-It works.
-Can you hear me, Batwoman?
[LAUGHING]
-Hey.
-[CHUCKLES]
-(FEMALE VOICE) What the
hell is that all about?
-This is Batwoman speaking
to you, whoever you are.
I've a simple warning
that you've taken on
much more than you'll
be able to handle.
-There's a Mexican
wrestler lurking outside.
-[CHUCKLES]
-El Santo.
-Transmission to all girls.
0077.
We're going to hold a
special meeting of code 331
according to
articles in Manual A.
Attendance by entire
membership highly essential.
Don't be late, any of you.
Batwoman over and out.
-Batwoman has a nice split-level
in a decent neighborhood.
-Oh, it's lovely.
-Mm hmm.
-Oh, "Beakman's World."
-The Aveda Corporation.
[BUZZER SOUNDING]
-Pons and Fleischmann,
still at it. [CHUCKLES]
-[GRUNTING] I really have to go.
Oh, ho, I really mean it.
Oh, hoo Oh, my
teeth are floating.
-We have company.
[SINISTER CHUCKLE]
-Ooh.
-(DOPEY VOICE) Hey, I will pet
her and keep her can call her
George.
-Oh, don't worry about him.
No social skills, sorry.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Oh, Donald.
-Nobody's going to hurt you.
-It's Mr. Bill, and
he's all grown up.
-She's a wildcat.
I'd like to belt her one.
-Come on, Bruno.
Lay off her.
-[GROANING]
-A real cutie-pie.
-I'm from next door.
Uh, can I borrow a
beaker or something?
-I must apologize.
-Excuse me, can I-- I, I
just need a, a-- can I?
I just want to see
what time-- can I--
---things because necessary.
-Well, you're busy.
I'll, I'll come back later.
-This just happens
to be one of them.
But you have my promise that
I will make your stay here
just as comfortable--
-[CHUCKLING]
---as possible.
Oh, back, back,
back, Heathcliff.
Hey!
-He's my concierge.
He wants to take your bags.
-Heathcliff?
-He's just curious.
-Look, he's packing
his brain back in.
Perhaps you're, uh, somewhat
of a bit curious yourself.
-[CHUCKLES]
-What about this place?
-I think it's only reasonable
that a little doll is given
our best courtesy, uh,
with a proper introduction.
-(SILLY VOICE) My
friend, Nicely Nicely.
-I'm known as Tiger.
-(TONY THE TIGER
IMPRESSION) I'm great.
-I'd, I'd like
you to meet Bruno.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Oh, we
met at the kidnapping.
-This here's Professor Neon.
He's a scientist.
-Great scientist.
-Yeah, yeah.
Neon, he's a great scientist.
-Huh.
-I have perfected, uh,
some of the greatest
scientific discoveries
of the 20th century.
-(PRETENTIOUS ACCENT) And
I spent a year at Harvard.
-I have no doubt that the
name of G. Octavius Neon
will go down in history as
one of the absolute giants
of civilized science.
(PRETENTIOUS ACCENT) Um,
yes, blue-skying here.
---monstrous, do you?
No, back, back,
back, Heathcliff.
Back, I say.
-Back.
-Now.
[CYBERPHONE BEEPING]
-Well, we've got to go now.
-What do you people
at home think?
-Yes, Rat Fink.
-Rat Fink?
-I see you were able to get
the girl without consequences
or undue complications.
-Yes, Rat Fink.
-Very good.
Your work has been commendable.
You'll be rewarded
in the future.
Now listen carefully.
-[BLABBERING]
-I want you to bring me
the girl's wrist radio.
Bring her to my laboratory
within the next hour.
I intend to communicate
directly with Batwoman
on her own frequency.
-[GASPS] No.
-I'll have a pipeline into
ever conversation she carries.
It'll be a pleasure
to pay her back
for all the times she's
foiled me in the past.
-Sir, are you sure you
have the right office?
---your instructions, Neon?
Carry them out.
-Yes, Rat Fink.
-Please, it's Rat.
I insist.
-Well, something
profound should be said.
But what?
-Meanwhile, in a completely
different movie--
-I'll say.
-[CHUCKLES]
-Yeah.
-[SIGHING]
-Wrestling.
-[GASPS]
-All right, girls.
Business concluded.
The meeting will
come to order now.
Let's hurry up.
-(FEMALE VOICE) We're going to
tabulate the number of cookies
each of you sold.
Excuse me.
-Yes, this is where I stand.
-Stop looking at
my butt, Debbie.
-You may take your
positions, 14.
-Thank you, Batwoman.
One, two--
-Hey.
---three.
-(BAT GIRLS TOGETHER) We,
the girls who are dedicated
to Batwoman, take our
oath with all sincerity.
-Uh-huh.
-(BAT GIRLS TOGETHER) We,
the girls who are dedicated
to Batwoman, take our
pride with all sincerity.
-Yeah.
-(BAT GIRLS TOGETHER) We,
the girls who are dedicated
to Batwoman, fight against
evil with all sincerity.
-(MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000
GROUP TOGETHER) One nation,
under Hef.
-Let's hurry up.
-(FEMALE VOICE)
Next time, can we
just say the serenity prayer?
-[MAKING_SQUEAKING_NOISES]
-(FEMALE VOICE)
After you, Tawny.
-(FEMALE VOICE)
Cute suit, Sherrie.
-Don't sit on the couch
with your wet suits, girls.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Tina, I want
to sit by Batwoman this time.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Now the girls
in acquisition have a plan.
-In view of the fact that
this is a special meeting--
-And incredibly goofy.
---the time element
must work in our favor.
-Tony Field has a tattoo.
-I think it's advisable
that we dispense
with roll call and all
formalities under Pact 440-616.
-Second the motion.
All in favor?
-(BAT GIRLS TOGETHER) Aye.
-Motion carried, Batwoman.
Continue with business.
-Thank you
-Robert's Rules of Wow.
-To begin with, I want to say--
-Holy cow.
---that I feel intuitively
that the rescue plan we work
out will ultimately succeed--
-Mm hmm.
---but at the same
time will offer
hazardous conditions
for you all.
I feel strongly that
if-- [RADIO BEEPS]
-(FEMALE VOICE) Sorry.
I pooted.
-She got her radio back.
RAT FINK (ON WRIST RADIO):
No, my young friend.
I'm happy to inform you the
girl did not get back her radio.
She won't until I'm
ready to return it.
Are you surprised, Batwoman?
Do you know whose voice
you're listening to?
-Dennis James?
-I'm afraid I do.
And the surprise is
not a pleasant one.
Well, I might have known
you were behind this.
What have you done
with that girl?
-(MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE) I've
introduced her to Phil Donahue.
RAT FINK (ON WRIST
RADIO): --except
to extend some very
comfortable accommodations.
She'll be returned to you
quite safely, Batwoman.
-(MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE) Or
you can take the curtain.
-What is the price
you're asking?
RAT FINK (ON WRIST RADIO):
You know me better than that.
-Mr. Fink, turn your
radio down, please.
RAT FINK (ON WRIST
RADIO): --simply
need your help to enter
a certain building
and secure a certain item.
-I'll give you certain
specifics at a certain time.
RAT FINK (ON WRIST RADIO):
--off in your line.
I'm sure that you can
understand that the operation is
a delicate one.
If I had some skillful enough
to carry it out for me,
I wouldn't have put
myself to all this bother.
-That Fink's got a
good watch voice.
-Mm hmm.
RAT FINK (ON WRIST
RADIO): It is not
necessary to discuss
the consequences
if you refuse to oblige me.
-Obliging you is bitter
enough consequence in itself.
-Ouch.
-Mm hmm.
-But I'll not take
the risk of that girl
losing her freedom
because of me.
You win, Rat Fink.
But I insist upon
seeing her first.
RAT FINK (ON WRIST
RADIO): Your distrust
of me is grossly
unjustified, Batwoman.
-Hmm.
RAT FINK (ON WRIST
RADIO): However, I'll
agree to your terms.
12 o'clock, at the top
of Hangman's Bluff.
-Near Dead Man's Curve.
RAT FINK (ON WRIST RADIO):
My men will meet you there.
-You think they get
telemarketing calls
on those wristwatches?
Well, it looks like Rat Fink's
doing all right for himself.
-[SOBBING]
-Ooh
-Woah.
-Give her another
happy pill, will ya?
Can't stand it.
-She's had a breakthrough.
-Here, have a Mentos.
Fresh goes better.
-(EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT)
Dreezle drazzle drazzle drome.
Time for this one to go home.
-Just one of my many
spectacular feats.
I could make you so happy, you
wouldn't believe it possible.
-Here.
Wh-- why don't we all sit down
and make ourselves comfortable?
I got some chocolate
milk in the refrigerator
and some macaroons.
Go ahead, sit down.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Well, I don't
normally do this at meetings,
but--
-Just park your bucket, Cher.
She's got a frontal bike rack.
Woah.
-[GROWLS]
-Criminy.
-It's like a Warhol movie,
except it's kind of weird.
-Chaka Khan would be
ashamed to dress like her.
-Uh, none for me, thanks.
I'm lactose intolerant.
-How long am I to
be kept waiting?
-Oh, not for long, I'm sure.
-Hey.
-At any moment, I expect that--
[CYBERPHONE BEEPING]
-[LAUGHS] There you are.
You see, no sooner
said than done.
Oh, you can call--
-Kind of an odd Thanksgiving,
but the sentiment's there.
-Oh, yeah.
-[CHUCKLES]
[CYBERPHONE BEEPING]
-(SILLY VOICE) I turned
the switch on, boss.
-Well, my adversary.
So we meet again.
-Him.
Again.
-Welcome to my
humble facilities.
-So we meet again.
But for the first
time on your terms.
-Have some Rolaids.
Calcium.
-I can't recall ever being
placed in a position where
I would perpetuate
your evil plans.
-(SILLY VOICE) Now you might
think that the iocane powder is
in this one.
-There are great things
we can do together,
things that could bring
unheard of power and riches
to both of us.
-Is she doing a rain
dance back there?
-I'm only here
because I have to be,
and it won't be for
much longer at that.
Get on with your dirty business.
-She brings a quiet dignity--
-Very well.
---to this film.
-Mm hmm.
-As I've mentioned
previously, I want
you to get something
for me that I
wanted personally
for a long time.
-[MUMBLING]
-The Ayjax Development
Corporation has developed
an atomic hearing aid--
-We'll destroy Miracle-Ear
and rule the world!
---any telephone
conversation desired.
Since it has this
potential, the government
has refused the patent.
-I, I, I, I, I--
[MUMBING] [GROANING]
-Sieg Heil. [MUMBLES]
---an assignment such as
this would be entirely within
the realm of your own
many splendid talents.
-What can you say?
It's a tour de force
comic performance.
-Mm hmm.
-Every--
-Neon, you idiotic fool!
What do you think you're doing?
-I got the music in me.
-I must have switched the,
the glasses, Batwoman.
I, I only wanted to show
you how wonderful they are.
I could make you happy.
-Oh, his parents
must be so proud.
-[BABBLING]
-Hey, you're a guest here.
Ouch.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Where's that coming from?
-Well, we've discovered
Batwoman's secret power.
She can open unlocked doors.
-So this is the wild, wild
world of Batwoman, eh?
Hmm?
-What happa?
-Ohh.
-(MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE)
Yes, it's the best hits
of the '50s and '60s on
8-track and cassettes.
(MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER
3000 GROUP TOGETHER) Tequila.
-Yeah.
-Those two were once cute,
tiny, lovable babies.
-(HALF-HEARTEDLY) Tequil-- Oh.
-(QUIETLY) Tequi--
-Meanwhile well in
Rome-- Aye-ja-- Aye-jax?
-Aye-jax.
Ai-yi-yi,
-Aie.
-Aie, aie, aie.
Oh.
-We're in trouble
-Hmm?
-I have no idea what
I'm doing in this movie.
-Deep, deep trouble.
-Oh, take it easy, JB.
We don't have to
throw in the sponge
just because we're
hanging on the ropes.
-Hmm?
-That's an understatement.
I'd say it was more like
being pulled to the corner
after a nine cone.
-[CHUCKLES] Oh, Larry
Tate, that's rich.
-Now, look, I have the legal
department working overtime.
-And she's really tired.
-We've got plenty of time to
come up with something, JB.
-Look, Flanagan--
-That's me.
---there's been some speculation
in my mind about talking
to you.
-Oh, really?
-That's good.
You weren't in the office.
-I'm afraid there
exists a few aspects
to this business about our
patent being denied that, well,
that I haven't brought
out fully before.
-And you're sitting on my lunch.
-A few weeks ago I was
contacted by a foreign agent.
-(MOCK NEWS ANNOUNCER
VOICE) This just in.
-A foreign agent?
You didn't make a deal
with them, did you?
-Well, of course I didn't.
-I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to lash out.
---stories carried
by his cronies,
I'm sure a few people
assumed that I did.
Oh, look, Flanagan,
I realize you've
got our legal boys trying to
concoct some sort of appeal
for us.
But the terrible thing is--
-You're on my tuna sandwich.
---I never told you this either.
Our time limit for destroying
that device has run out.
-What device?
Who are you?
-We had just 15 days, not
30 as I told everyone.
-JB, you kept that
thing here illegally--
-(QUIETLY) You dope.
---hoping we wouldn't
have to destroy it?
-Well, get ready for
the worst part of all.
-I've hired Willie
Tyler and Lester.
-I received a telephone
call early this morning
from Batwoman.
-Hmm?
-She was good enough to
inform me to be on the alert
that extensive
planning was being
executed for an attempted theft.
-Does she know
that to be a fact?
-If she didn't, she
wouldn't have called.
-(SILLY VOICE) I have no clue
what you're talking about,
but I'm profoundly devastated.
-[GASPS]
-Well--
-Hmm.
---now that you've informed
me of our legal position,
I suppose asking the police for
help is highly questionable,
JB.
-I oughta--
-Why didn't you tell
me about this sooner?
What do you think I'm here for?
-I want you to spank me.
-I was afraid.
And I was hoping for some kind
of appeal to the patent office.
-(SOUTHERN ACCENT) And I
didn't steal no bike neither.
-Well, we've just gotta think
of something to tighten it up.
That's all.
-You just don't care about
my lunch at all, do you?
You know it's there, and
you deliberately sit on it.
-Wait a minute.
-We're not supposed
to be in this movie.
-Wait a minute, JB.
I think I've got it.
-The rain in Spain falls
mainly on the plains.
-Batwoman.
-[GASPS]
-[CHUCKLES]
-With her, we might
see some light yet.
-It's over. [CLAPPING]
[MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000
GROUP TOGETHER) [GROANING]
-Now this shot here,
this is pure Warren.
-Mm hmm.
-(MOCK FILM NOIR VOICEOVER)
Thursday afternoon,
I pulled up at this one place.
I don't know what time it was.
I kind of got out of my car.
I looked at the place.
I walked towards some
sort of structure
in which people
possibly dwelled.
I noticed the agriculture.
The sound editor added
a tasty sax lick.
I passed a tree or a
shrub of some variety.
Then I arrived at the door.
Ooh.
I went through the door,
and it was quite cool.
I had heard Batwoman had
quite a lingerie collection.
I decided to investigate.
-Hmm?
D'oh!
The one day they
aren't wearing bikinis
is the day I stopped by.
-[GROANS]
-Oh, good.
Here's the receptionist.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Are you
with the bride or the groom?
I'm with you.
-Hey, weren't you
in "Beast Master 2,
Through the Portal of Time"?
-Toccata and wow in D minor.
[PURRS]
-You know it.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Oh,
she's jamming right now.
She might be a while.
-After six months of
lessons from Schmitt Music,
I'm playing for my friends.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Mm, sorry.
This is a smoke-free cult.
-You know, for a movie.
-[CHUCKLES]
-(MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE) That
was Michael Murry on Pipedreams.
-I wonder if it's
hard to sight-read
through those glasses.
-I bet.
-Batwoman.
-Hi.
-Oh, uh, about that door, that's
a little dangerous, isn't it?
-He's really going to stick
to that vinyl, you know.
-It wouldn't have
operated if you
had no appointment or
someone was following you.
You were monitored
electronically
from the time you left your car.
-Uh huh.
-Oh, really?
-(QUIETLY) Yeah, right.
-Oh, you mean like a
closed circuit television.
-Something like that.
-Yes.
-(FEMALE VOICE)
Jell-O shot, ma'am?
-Hmm?
-Would you like
some refreshments?
-Uh, no, no, thank you.
I'm fine.
[CHUCKLES] Uh, very nice of you
to see me this way, Batwoman.
And I want you to know that
JB and the rest of us--
-[MAKING_GLUGGING_NOISES]
---will be forever
grateful if, well,
if you can just figure
out some way to help us.
-Ah!
-[GROANS] Woah.
-I hate those.
---someone who would
listen in to someone
else's conversations.
-Oh, Batwoman, you
really don't think that,
that JB and I would--
-Jim Beam?
-[CHUCKLES]
-Justice Brothers.
-Oh, I'm not interested in
anyone else's conversation.
No, no.
You have the wrong
idea, entirely wrong.
-Is this supposed to be
an all-staff meeting?
-As a matter of fact, the
atomic power structure
was much more revolutionary
than anything we had counted on.
-Hey.
-You'd think just
being Batwoman she'd
have more exciting meetings,
but this is just painful.
---goes, it really goes.
But the main thing
is if we could just--
-Now what?
---hang onto it--
-[GROANING]
---until our appeal is OKed--
-So there's a subplot
about a horseshoe then.
-[CHUCKLING] I guess so.
---a little bit
more development,
we can make a great
contribution to, uh, society.
-Will you--
-Gimme.
-But the big problem
is, Batwoman--
-Gimme.
-Let me have it.
-If it's stolen, we're sunk.
If our device is
misused, Batwoman--
-[GRUNTING]
---there's no telling
what can be accomplished.
-[GRUNTING]
-(FEMALE VOICE) You
have beautiful eyes.
-Do you realize there
will be no privacy?
And just consider the
danger if they find out
about the cobalt mechanism.
-Stop it.
Would you stop it back there?
-I can see it's--
-Let's get outta here.
---avoided at any cost.
-Oh, good.
You'll do it.
-[CHUCKLES]
-You'll come in with us.
-Give me some time to
talk with my girls.
I'll call you within the hour.
-Fine, fine.
[THEME MUSIC]
-And in preparing my report
on today's cheating short,
I listened to both
the muse and the sage,
the spirit and the
pragmatist, the mythical
roots of my eternal--
-Oh, any time this
century, Disraeli.
-Crow, come on.
-Oh, OK, Mike, just
wake me when it's over.
-Anyway, as I was saying,
it was the third question
that most intrigued me.
The query, was it fair for
Johnny to use Mary as he did,
is a mental minefield.
I had to be careful, being
the humist that I am.
I left no stone unturned.
-Any time, Servo.
Any time.
-Uh, that answer,
my friends, is no.
Thank you.
-No?
-No?
-That's right.
Nyet, nein, negigey.
-That's your report,
the answer is no?
What about all
these other volumes?
-Well, jeez, Mike, I had several
ibids, 30 pages of footnotes,
an extensive bibliography,
and some really neat diagrams
charting the dielectric
process from the Freudian--
-You know, Tom, you frighten me.
So we're done, huh?
-No, we're not done.
We've still got Gypsy.
Why don't you go
ahead there, girl?
-Yeah.
-Um, oh, oh, OK.
Um, cheating.
By me.
-Hm.
-Cheating is bad.
Richard Baseheart is good.
Well?
-Huh.
Great.
-Well, that was very
good, I thought.
-Yeah, very nice.
-It was spirited, succinct.
Very nice.
-Right to the point.
-Oh.
-Great.
-Can't we just hand
these in, Mike?
I mean, notify me by mail.
-No, no, no, no.
It's your turn.
Now let's hear it.
Come on.
-Oh.
Cheating.
[CLEARS THROAT] Cheating is bad.
Richard Baseheart is good.
-Ooh.
-So how about some lunch?
-Hey, Crow.
-What?
-That was word-for-word the same
report that Gypsy just gave.
-[CHUCKLES_NERVOUSLY]
-Wow.
What are the odds
of that happening?
-It's, it's not
exactly the same.
I, I mean the read
was totally different.
Uh, my downbeat was on good.
Uh, Gypsy's was on Richard.
-Scold him!
-Oh--
-Scold him.
Cheater, cheater!
-Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Calm down.
Calm down.
You know, this is
serious business,
and we'll talk about it.
But right now--
-Destroy him.
---we've got a movie
to get through,
and that's what
we're going to do.
-We, we must demolate him.
Get a match.
Burn him.
[BUZZING NOISE]
-He must be destroyed!
-Ah.
Movie time.
Saved by the bell.
-Burn him!
Burn-- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I just lost it.
---up close.
Come on.
-Huh?
[CHUCKLES]
-Right here.
-Little piggy, little piggy.
-Heathcliff shops at Tatters.
-[CHUCKLES]
-I have something for you.
[CHUCKLES] Now open your mouth.
-I hope that's cyanide.
-Oh, Heathcliff, this is
not going to hurt you.
No.
-It's going to kill you.
-I just perfected a new formula,
and I must test its reaction.
Whatever it does, it will
only last for a short time.
-And it will pad
the film immensely.
-Oh, come on.
Open your mouth.
Oh, Heathcliff, I'm losing
my patience with you.
-Yeah.
I bet he's lost a
lot of patients.
-Oh, shut up.
-[CHUCKLES]
-I'll tell you--
I'll tell you what.
If you take this pill--
-(INDIAN ACCENT) I will
stop talking like Gandhi.
---when I go to that underground
cave, I'll take you with me,
and you'll be able
to see some monsters.
You can watch them all the time
that I am in the big cavern.
-Because I'm vaguely European.
-Wouldn't you like that?
Hmm?
Huh?
-[SIGHS]
-Ohh.
-Oh, Heathcliff.
-Trying to be both a
mother and a father to you
is so difficult.
-Could this please be the
end of the pill-taking scene?
[MOCK SOBBING] Please.
[CYBERPHONE BEEPING]
-Welcome back.
Is that the show, then?
-Oh.
Heh.
RAT FINK (OVER
CYBERPHONE): Neon, I
want to let you know that
I'm completely disgusted
with the work of all
of you over there.
-I think he speaks
for all of us.
-Mm hmm.
RAT FINK (OVER
CYBERPHONE): The escape
of the girl has all but
ruined my last chance.
We leave now with very little
time to form a new plan.
-I'm sorry about what happened.
-Yeah, well, sorry don't
pay the gas bill, doctor.
- --around now.
How is it coming at the cave?
How are all my monsters?
-Never mind about the monsters.
Keep your thinking on
what has to be done.
It's going to be more
difficult than ever
now because I have learned
through the grapevine
that Batwoman herself is
guarding the vault at Ayjax,
taking no chances
of our formulating
a successful operation.
But we'll do it anyway.
Success will be ours.
Do you understand me, Neon?
-Oh, could you
start again, right
after the part where
you were reaming me?
-Yes.
-Well, the ball's in
our court, Heathcliff.
[THUNDER CRASHING]
-(LOUDLY) It was a dark and
stormy-- (NORMAL VOLUME) Oh.
-What's Dwight
Eisenhower doing here?
-Security guards
of foreign wars.
[HUMMING]
-The last brownshirt.
-Where was I on the
night of April 14?
[CHUCKLES]
-I love my job.
Oojay?
Oojay?
Oy, work really piled up on me
while I piled up. [CHUCKLES]
I love that story.
[TELEPHONE RINGING SHRILLY]
-Ah!
-Oh, jeez.
-Phew.
Wow.
-The phone's ringing.
It's never done that before.
All right.
All right.
I'm coming.
Keep your chin on.
Hello?
-Hello?
Good evening.
-Hmm?
No, no one is here.
Everything is in order.
-Even your Mackie Mac poster.
-All right.
Bye.
-I'm not going to tell
him what I'm wearing.
He knows already.
-It's like "Goldfinger."
-Well, that went
off without a hitch.
-(INDIAN ACCENT)
Baskin-Robbins, anyone?
-[LAUGHING] This movie's funny.
I changed my mind.
-Like he's got a funny
bow tie under his nose,
and it's funny. [LAUGHS]
-They're doing a classic bit.
This is great.
-[LAUGHS]
-It's fun when it's fun.
-Yeah.
Like the White House
Plumbers, only funny.
-There's funny Cheech
Marin in the back. [LAUGHS]
-(DISAPPOINTEDLY) Oh.
Hmm.
-Well, I never would
have believed it.
-(SILLY VOICE) I'm Norm Crosby.
-This is wonderful.
-[CHUCKLES] Thank you.
-Hi.
-Ah, my mother had a
pair of those. [CHUCKLES]
-Oh.
-Yes, this is wonderful.
-With all this panelling.
-You'll notice I have a
double guard consisting
of my best girls at
the vault itself.
I hope you'll be
able to relax now
that you're aware of the
extent of our precautions.
-Oh, yes, yes.
Of course I will.
Uh, you've made me feel
completely secure, Batwoman.
-It's the all
exposition channel.
-I have the only key to the
vault right here in my pocket.
Uh, maybe you could do
with a little bit of lunch?
We can get it right downstairs.
-I think they're
falling in love.
-Hey, let's just be
quiet and enjoy this.
It'll go faster.
-Yeah. [SIGHS]
-Soup?
Hot soup, girls.
-Huh?
-Here it is.
-Soup.
Get your soup, girls.
Isn't that delicious?
-Yes--
-Here's your soup.
---Bat Girls come running for
the good taste of hot soup.
-Atta girl.
How's that taste?
-(FEMALE VOICE) It
tastes like air.
But then everything tastes like
air to me. [GIGGLES] [SIGHS]
-Stanley Owsley is
smiling somewhere.
[BAT GIRLS GIGGLING]
-Dance and guns
and soup don't mix.
-Mm mm.
-Oh, he's reading "Mr.
Drysdale Monthly."
-Uh, Miss Benson?
I'm going to the commissary
for a quick bite of lunch.
Uh, ring through to me if
that Simpson call comes in.
-Simpson, eh?
-Miss Benson, did you hear me?
-(MOCK NARRATOR VOICE) What's
happened to Miss Benson?
Find out on the next episode.
-Miss Benson?
-(MOCK NARRATOR VOICE) Robert
Guillaume is Miss Benson.
-[CHUCKLES]
-(MOCK NARRATOR
VOICE) And so we leave
on our search for Miss Benson.
Gee, pick any Miss
Benson you want.
-Whoo hoo.
-(SINGING) Hey, listen to the
story about a man named Jed,
a poor-- Yee hoo.
-D'oh!
Just when I thought the
movie couldn't get any worse.
Ringo's in it.
-No.
-Ahh.
-(LIVERPUDLIAN
ACCENT) That's right.
It's me.
-(MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE)
Looking very relaxed,
Hugh Beaumont on sax.
-[SCATTING]
-Oh, Justice Ginsberg arrives.
-[SCATTING]
-Huh?
Huh?
-Ah, table five, all women.
Yech.
-What the-- [CHUCKLES]
(MOCK NARRTOR VOICE)
The Hudson Brothers in
their wackiest comedy yet.
-Oh, no.
They're going to
drug Gerry Mulligan.
-Huh?
-This is like a Mentos ad.
-[CHUCKLES]
-LSD-25 for you.
And you had the LSD-25.
And over here, hot pasta--
-Hey, Hitler!
We want our order over here.
-Just a minute.
-The LSD-25 for you.
And LSD-25.
---sandwich.
A sandwich.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES] Well, I
guess this is the, uh--
-(LOUDLY) What?
Huh?
-Uh, this is good
enough for a starter.
-Oh, go on.
-[SIGHS] I have feeling Satan
would regret making this movie.
-Look at that.
-Ah, Gloria Steinem gets down.
-This was back when Yiddish
theater was still going strong.
She's wearing a
gownless evening strap.
-Oh, that was a
really good batch.
-[LAUGHING]
-You know, these Applebee's
are really getting zany.
-Look out.
Here comes the entire waitstaff
singing "Happy Birthday."
-No.
-[LAUGHS]
-[SIGHS]
-Now this is a
hot lunch program.
[PURRS]
-Then slurp that down.
Wow.
-I've never seen Solzhenitsyn
look quite so giddy.
-Mm mm.
-He's happy.
-All right.
Let's do that Steve and Leo bit.
Here.
OK.
-(MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE) Yes,
it's a life in the theater.
-First one's free, Batwoman.
-[LAUGHING] Give me the keys.
Yeah.
-Check out Shirley
Chisholm in the background.
-[GIGGLES]
-(SINGING) Chisholm,
Shirley Chisholm.
-[LAUGHING]
-He's fun, that one.
-[CHUCKLES]
-Stevens?
-[LAUGHING]
-Yeah.
-Have you lost your mind?
-No.
-Just my self-respect. [LAUGHS]
-Now I've lost my mind.
-Now this is how the NRA
wants the world to look.
-Mm hmm.
-[CHUCKLES]
-And frankly--
-Hey.
-Hey.
Sorry.
-(MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE)
The Maidenform woman,
you never know where
she'll show up.
-(SILLY VOICE) Uh, I
pick you. [CHUCKLES]
-Hey, Frank Sinatra, Jr.
-(QUIETLY) Come on.
-(SILLY VOICE) Wait.
I'm trying to figure this out.
Oh, where do the batteries go?
-Tiger, come on.
-(SILLY VOICE) OK.
Uh, so you want to go
have soup sometime?
-(MOCK NARRATOR VOICE) The
Landers Sisters get down.
-(MOCK NARRATOR VOICE)
I'm Peter Graves.
Tonight on "A&E
Biography," we've
repackaged a documentary
made years ago.
-(FRIGHTENEDLY) There's a
man on the wing of the plane!
-[GASPS]
-No, there isn't.
-Oh, sorry.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Are
you the Beatles?
Oh, you must be the Beatles.
-How's your throat?
-(HIGH PITCHED VOICE) Well, it's
actually feeling quite well.
-It sounds much better.
-Geraldine Ferraro.
-What do you know?
Oh, sure.
Go ahead and use the phone.
-[CLEARS_THROAT]
-Hi, mom.
Practice is done.
Can you pick us up?
-Is this Ayjax
Development Corporation?
-Is Perseus in right now?
-This is Seltzer of
the patent office.
I'd like to speak to
JB Christians, please.
-(SILLY VOICE) I'm here
with Doodles Weaver.
-He's where?
-Up my what?
-[CHUCKLES]
-The home of Batwoman?
-Should I repeat
everything you say?
-What's happened
that's so terrible.
-They've renewed
"Mad About You"?
-Well, yes, I can
get over there.
Well, should I call first?
-Oh, you're right.
I am calling.
-I see.
All right.
We'll take a cab and
get there right away.
-We'll take DC Cab.
-What's your address?
Mm hmm.
-Mm hmm.
-Hm.
Long address.
-(MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE) Special
appearance by George "Goober"
Lindsey.
-[CHUCKLES]
-Shh.
Mass has already started.
-We must concentrate
ourselves fully and, thusly,
penetrate into the realms
of etheric existence.
-Looks like they're
coming down from the soup.
-We must call upon
an etheric guide.
who will contact
those at this table
within the next few moments.
-Hmm.
-May we hear a voice--
-Did we come at a bad time?
---a sign that this message is
being received by those beyond
the physical plane.
-Judy, Judy, Judy.
-We call out to the
world of spirits.
Will someone please
come through?
-I am--
-Iron Man.
-[CHUCKLES]
-Do you hear me?
-He's a contact
of Leonard Cohen.
-Yes, we hear you plainly.
I wish to thank you
for coming to us.
-She looks like a dry fly.
-[GIGGLES]
-It is perfectly all right.
-I am the north wind.
---can I do for you?
-It is desired by
those at this table--
-That we get more bread.
---to locate a missing device,
one of an electronic nature.
It was stolen from Mr.
Christians' here only a few
hours ago.
-Oh, yeah.
I got a psychic
bulletin on that.
---locating it immediately, as
it could be highly dangerous.
-And highly dull
-Individuals who
harbor it may not
be aware of its
explosive potential.
-Hmm.
-[BABBLING]
-What the--
-[LAUGHING]
-I'm afraid I'll have to ask
you to repeat the message.
-What was that?
Eek-a-Mouse?
-It sounded like Chinese.
-I am sorry.
-Sir, sit closer to the mic now.
---give more information.
-Look at this guy.
Rigor mortis has--
-The device--
---set in.
---was stolen from the
Ayjax Development Company.
I'm aware of the
thief's identity
but not his whereabouts.
He has a hidden laboratory
somewhere along the coast.
-Hey, who doesn't anymore?
-I was there a short
time ago, but it
was in the middle
of the night, and I
was unable to take note
of any landmarkings.
The location of
this laboratory is
what we ask you to help us with.
I must emphasize again
that it's most important.
-Mm hmm.
-[BABBLING]
-[GROANS]
-Ah.
Ohh.
-Yoko, no.
-You're speaking
in Chinese again.
I have to inform
you that no one here
is familiar with
Oriental languages.
-Hey, that's Asian
languages, sister.
-Speak to us only in English.
Do you understand?
-Please, god, cut
away to anything.
Please.
---that speaks another tongue.
-[MIMICKING_BABBLING] We know.
-[GIGGLING]
---another entity.
[BABBLING]
-[LAUGHS] Oh, for
crying out loud.
-Now there's no need
to lash out, really.
---the channel free so I can
communicate with the other
gentleman?
-Would you just please leave?
-I feel they're
trying to assist us.
However, I can't comprehend
a word you're saying.
-[BABBLING]
-You know, that may
not really be Chinese.
-Ah.
-And may we get on
with the information?
-Hm.
-Uh, [BABBLING] No?
No?
-We have a clear channel now.
You can speak to us.
-I've brought some of my
most important clients
to this seance.
If you could please cooperate.
-It seems we've
lost communication.
-Good.
-Uh, look--
-Oh, he's alive.
He moved.
Hey.
-Do you think we might
do this some other time?
Oh, don't misunderstand
me, Batwoman.
I do have confidence.
-Hm.
-Well, anything you
say, Mr. Christians.
You know your schedule
better than I do.
-[SIGHS] To every Asian
and every human being,
we apologize for that scene.
-Mr. Seltzer.
-Captain Spaulding.
-What is all this nonsense?
And what's happened
to that hearing aid?
Did I hear correctly
about it being stolen?
-Well, uh--
-[BABBLING]
-Uh, Mr. Seltzer, I'd
like you to meet Batwoman.
She's our hostess here.
-I am aware of that.
How do you do, Batwoman.
-I'm Tubby Guy, and that's
Nerdy Guy with the briefcase.
-[CLEARS_THROAT] This is
Broglie, my assistant.
He can't speak.
Laryngitis.
-[CHUCKLES] Like our guest
at the table. [LAUGHS]
-[CHUCKLES] Yeah, the ta-- Oh.
-Well, I could get you
something warm from the bar.
It might loosen up the throat.
-Uh, it would seem
to me that things
are loose enough around
here as they are.
-Did he rip that thing
out of a Chevy Vega?
-[CHUCKLES]
-Watson, come here.
I hate you.
-I'm cleaning my oven. [GIGGLES]
-[BEATBOXING]
-Please turn your
head and cough.
-Hm?
-[GROANS]
-Oh, god.
This is hit nude.
Damn.
-Haven't you ever tried it?
-Me?
Nah.
Nearest thing I
ever got to exercise
was a couple of strolls every
day when I was up at State.
-You went to State University?
-University?
-The hilarity of
"Drop Dead Fred."
---university?
State pen.
-You should have
given college a try.
-[BABBLING]
-I went for a year and a half.
-Is that where you
learned to dance?
You're the best
dancer I ever seen.
-And I seen two.
-(SARCASTICALLY) Thanks.
-Gee, I, I'm sorry about that.
-Sure you are.
-I am, really.
-So Mike, this is hell.
-I guess I shouldn't have--
-Yep.
Yep.
---on you again.
-I guess I should have
put the mic closer too.
---by Rat Fink himself.
He's coming up
here from the cave
to shake my hand personally.
-[GASPS] You know--
-Just as soon--
---Rat Fink?
---as Neon finishes
that hearing aid.
-Oh, looks like a rather large
and ungainly hearing aid to me.
-[CHUCKLES]
-Calling all girls in the
north and middle sectors.
-That's a lot of girls.
-The beach you're
searching is the least
likely to be the correct one
because that laboratory uses
high voltage, and there
isn't any on the north beach.
-Ah, [BABBLING]
-[GIGGLES]
-But I did see a small reef
in the water just offshore.
Keep your eyes--
-Calm down, Batwoman.
---open for a hidden
cove that would be
completely covered at high tide.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
-Batwoman out.
-My other wrist is ringing.
-Batwoman speaking.
-(SLURRING WORDS) This
is Flanagan, Batwoman.
-Hey, the producer.
-[LAUGHS]
-I just called to
tell you goodbye
and to thank you
for everything you
did for the Ayjax
Development Company.
-(DRUNKENLY) I love you,
and I've always loved you.
---take that.
And also the fact that, well,
I was able to dance with you.
And I want you to know
I really enjoyed it.
-He's a lonely, lonely man.
-Oh, I'm not a drinking
man, Batwoman--
-No.
---but, well, I figured
I'd have a couple--
-[BABBLING]
---in view of the fact that
I'm leaving immediately,
and I'm starting a new
life in the Fiji Islands.
-Cool.
-I'd suggest you pull
yourself together, Flanagan.
There's no need for you
to run off anywhere.
-Oh, she does phone
counselling too.
Sweet.
-I can see my work
is cut out for me.
And, and I'll accept it gladly.
-Now hold on while I--
-My girls--
---trace the call.
---all of them, are dedicated
to finding your device.
-Excuse me?
-Right now they're
out searching,
working with
selfless dedication.
-Oh.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-(SINGING) You keep
your eye on the road
and your hands up on the wheel.
-Oh, Edith Prickley goes at
it with Lumpy Rutherford.
-[LAUGHS]
[HUMMING ALONG WITH MUSIC]
-(SINGING) Yes, the devil
made this movie for you.
Yes, the devil had some time.
There's no edit.
-The sad thing is, they're
trying to tap dance. [CHUCKLES]
-Kill me.
-[CHUCKLES]
-(MOUTH FULL) So do you like me?
[MUMBLING]
-Snap him over.
Break him in half.
-Yeah.
-Whoo hoo.
[HUMMING ALONG WITH MUSIC]
-Ow.
Oh.
Ow.
Oh.
Ooch.
-Barbara Streisand.
-Oh.
-This is before they
invented Librium, isn't it?
-[CHUCKLES]
-(GOOFY VOICE) Oh ho, it's
lots of fun. [CHUCKLING]
-OK, they're kissing.
-No.
-And they're dancing.
-[HUMMING_ALONG_WITH_MUSIC]
-Back to the band.
Now kissing and
dancing. [MOCK SOBBING]
-[MAKES_SUCKING_NOISE]
[BREATHING_HEAVILY]
-OK, fun time's over.
Let's get outta here.
-Yep.
She's blond.
I was making out with
her, pretty much.
-Stand at attention.
-Suck in that gut.
(IRRITATEDLY) Pyle.
-You can get these guys' phone
numbers when we have more time.
Right now we've got a job to do.
Spread out in singles.
Come on.
Let's move.
-Is this anyway
to run an airline?
You bet it is. [CHUCKLES]
-Please kill me.
[HUMMING ALONG TO MUSIC]
[HUMMING ALONG TO MUSIC]
-Hey, baby, over-- [CHOKING]
-Jane Goodall works her magic.
-A little bit more with the hip.
No, no.
To the side.
-Please kill me.
-How's this?
-Oh.
-Oh, Tiger, you're just
not getting the feel of it.
-Oh, god, I was gonna
get through this movie
without thinking about
his hips, and now this.
-Oh.
-Tiger, why don't you
let me out of here?
You can do it.
Please?
-Hey, I think
you're running down.
I think you need another pill.
-I don't want another pill.
I'm tired of being happy.
-But it's a good kind of tired.
-Hmm.
-Phew.
Well, you're out of paper.
I had to use Heathcliff.
He didn't mind.
-[CHUCKLES]
-I've just come
up from the cave,
and Rat Fink wants you to
finish your work down there.
Now Batwoman and her girls
are all over the beach.
And he said for us to
put operation plan Grab
X12 right away.
-Oh, stop pretending
there's a plot.
Don't cheapen yourself further.
-Huh.
-"Baywatch."
-Ooh.
-Yes, "Baywatch."
BATWOMAN (OVER WRIST RADIOS):
Batwoman monitoring 223.
-Huh.
BATWOMAN (OVER
WRIST RADIOS): I'm
passing the reef
south of the point.
Batwoman over.
Batwoman monitoring 223.
-Uh--
BATWOMAN (OVER WRIST
RADIOS): Come in 14.
-Was that part of the movie?
Or did that actually happen?
-Huh.
-(MOCK NARRATOR VOICE)
When Gidget meets Zorro.
-See, now a lot
of villains aren't
bold enough to wear clamdiggers.
-Uh-uh.
-Yeah.
Hmm.
-Mom, do you ever have
a problem feeling fresh?
But mo-- mom?
She went on the
beach not expecting
to be abducted by
a Mexican wrestler.
-Bad touch, El Santo.
-Here's Charro waiting
to be abducted.
Ah coochie coochie
coochie coochie.
[MAKES CHOKING SOUND] Ahh!
-Well, that's five.
He's got a volleyball team.
-Kind of looks like
a whiskey decanter.
A bottle of port.
-Hm?
-Hmm.
-Hmm.
-You know, to me that leash
screams unhealthy relationship.
-Mm hmm.
Yeah.
-Careful.
You gotta watch your
footing down here.
I'd slow up for ya, but we gotta
catch up with the rest of them.
Otherwise, they'll
think something's wrong.
-So?
-I see your point.
-Well, it might mean
I'll lose my job.
-Big deal.
-Taming of the Bat Shrew.
-Everybody's gotta have a job.
-Sure.
Everybody's gotta have a job.
So go ahead and do it.
I wouldn't ask you to
make any sacrifice.
-(MIMICKS POLICE RADIO
ANNOUNCER) One item 12,
domestic one.
-Come on, little doll.
Be nice.
I know it's my fault I got
ya messed up in this place.
-The first year of
bondage is the hardest.
-But you'dve wound
up here anyway.
-Oh, yeah.
-And I gotta do what
they tell me to do.
-Sure.
-Welcome to the mob.
-Come on.
We're just about
near the big cavern.
It's really something.
You ain't never seen
nothing like it.
-Ain't never seen
anything like it.
---monsters outside
of Rat Fink's lab.
-(SARCASTICALLY) I can't wait.
-It's just a tiny bit further.
Come on.
You're gonna see something.
-Tiger, what's that over there?
-Where?
-[SCREAMS]
-Oh, that.
-Aw, they can't hurt ya.
They ain't even alive.
Come on.
-Eh, if they hit ya at 90 miles
an hour, they can hurt you.
-Smells like Bernie Krause
turning up his Mellotron.
-Wow.
-(MOCK ANNOUNCER VOICE)
Fritz Lang's beaches.
-What?
-Didn't I tell ya?
This place is something else.
-(SILLY VOICE) They
got great ribs here.
-This was a city
thousands of years ago.
Pretty weird, huh?
-Yeah, too bad it's
not in the same movie.
---I'm scared.
-(FEMALE VOICE)
Have sex with me.
-Hm?
-Woah.
-Looks like they're
stopping to rest.
Dr. Neon usually
movies real fast
when he's gonna
see his monsters.
-What the-- Hey, wait a minute.
-[GROWLING]
-It's the mole people.
These movies have crashed.
-[GROWLING]
-Oh, I got a bad
worm or something.
Oh.
-You got your mole
people in my Batwoman.
-You got your Batwoman
in my mole people.
-[GROWLING]
-Oh, well.
-(PRETENTIOUS ACCENT) Well,
I've had enough of that film.
[GROANS]
-That's a slimming look for him.
-Mm hmm.
-Dagnabbit, Pepino, get the
horses back in the barn.
Jesse.
-(SINGING) And I
would walk 500 miles--
-[LAUGHING]
-You're going the wrong way.
-Hm?
-My, my, my, my, my monsters.
-We are looking desperately for
a movie to be in. [BABBLING]
-Go back to the lab.
-But I must see them first,
just a quick, teensy look.
He may be mistreating
them again.
Or he may be hurting them.
-Shh.
Don't worry.
-[MOCK_SOBBING]
-The doctor dresses like an
off-duty Denny's manager.
-He's got more--
-[GIGGLES]
---important things on his mind.
Come on.
-Come on.
Let's go.
-[WHISTLING]
-Gotta go hurt Crow.
[SINGING]
-But there's mole
people back there.
-No, we gotta go hurt you, Crow.
-[WHISTLING] Hey,
Tom, what's up?
-Meeting of the
Satellite of Love crew.
-Hm?
-Oh, I don't think you'd
want to come to this meeting.
Is about you.
-Me?
-That's right.
It's about how you
cheated and betrayed
the confidence of a
sweet, innocent robot.
It's about how you made a
mockery of everything that's
good in this world.
It's about how everything
you touch you destroy.
-So why can't I come?
-D'oh!
Would you just--
-Oh.
-Sorry I'm late.
-Hi.
Well, as unpleasant
as this whole mess
is, we have to address
Crow's cheating.
I call this meeting to order.
-Guilty!
Guilty!
Guilty!
Guilty!
-Tom.
-He's guilty.
-Come on, Tom.
Sure, Crow's made a mistake.
But we should have compassion.
Remember, my gumball-headed
young friend,
the quality of mercy
is not strained.
-[SIGHS]
-It falleth from the
heavens like a gentle rain.
-Gypsy, he stole
from your essay.
-Really?
Fry him!
Fry him!
I want to fight.
-There you go.
-I want to put him
under the ground.
-Hey, hey, hey.
-That's the spirit.
-Hey.
-Oh?
-Calm down.
This isn't getting us anywhere.
I think the first thing
that we need to do--
-[SINGING]
-Hey, who's this guy?
-(FRENCH ACCENT) Ah,
would you like some soup?
-Well, yes, I would.
That's exactly-- Oh,
would you knock that off?
-It's Crow.
-Get outta this meeting.
All right.
Now, uh, I think we
all agree that Crow
needs some sort of punishment.
What should it be?
-(CALMLY) Well, if, uh, I may
quote from my colleague Gypsy
here, (LOUDLY) fry him!
Fry him!
Burn him up!
(CALMLY) And if I
may just interject
one thought of my own,
(LOUDLY) tear him up!
Rip him apart!
Burn him!
(CALMLY) And in
conclusion, (LOUDLY) die,
die, die, die, die, die!
(CALMLY) Any thoughts?
-Yeah.
Well, actually I
was thinking more
along the lines of not giving
him any Hostess Sno Ball.
-[WHISTLING]
-Oh.
-Hey, Crow, buddy.
-Yeah?
-I hate to be the
one to tell you this.
We all talked it over,
and we've decided to, uh--
-Shun you.
-Yeah, we'll I'm shunning you.
-Well, I shun you first.
-Yeah, I shun you back.
-I double shun you, version 2.1.
-I shun you version 2.2.
-I shun you version
3 for Windows.
-This isn't getting us anywhere.
We'll be right back.
-I super mega frigging shun you.
-I frigging shun me back.
-Oh, yeah, well,
I giga shun you.
-Yeah, well, I shun you next.
-No one's shunning.
Let's watch this, please.
-Fashions by Jean Paul Gaultier.
-Shut up.
-Oh, he must be going to a
Packer game later. [CHUCKLES]
-Oh, god, he's gonna drink
Liz Taylor's "Poison."
-Rat Fink is an
incredibly villain.
He isn't focused at all.
-Mm hmm.
-Although he did have the
right amount of chains.
-Mm, convenient.
-(VILLAINOUS VOICE) Who
will be Miss Chrysanthemum?
-This nectar, my dear girls, is
the most potent tranquilizing
agent ever devised.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Yeah, fine.
Just don't tickle us.
-It gives me strength, enables
me to solve great mysteries
that mortal man has
never dreamed of before.
[LAUGHING]
-Like how did Thea
the Doll get a series?
-I'd ask you to join
me, but then you
will have your opportunity
sooner than you realize.
[LAUGHING]
-(FEMALE VOICE) Could
you hang us upside down?
We're Bat Women.
-The tranquilizer habit.
You ain't nothing if you can't
swim without them, fatso.
-Now you hear this.
I'll have none of
your insolence.
You're in no
position, any of you,
to show off your bad manners.
-Manners, he says?
[LAUGHS]
-Oh, hang on.
Let me check my soup.
-All right, Neon.
I'll throw the dark current.
-(VILLANOUS VOICE)
Now do it now.
[LAUGHS] I'm throwing
the dark current now.
-(SINGING) Jingleheimer Schmidt.
(SPEAKING VOICE) Hi, we're
back from Camp Snoopy.
-[CHUCKLES]
-Uh, are we in this scene?
Or are we supposed to be
back with the mole people?
[GROANS]
-Where's the other girl?
Isn't she with you?
-Uh, Tiger is
locking up the place.
He'll bring her
right along to you.
-[CHUCKLING] Oh, good.
-Uh, should I just throw
these on the bed, or--
-We have room for just
one more. [LAUGHING]
-(FEMALE VOICE) You're
funny, Bat Fink.
-Well, Neon, what do you
think of our little menagerie?
-[CHUCKLING]
-It's marvellous,
simply marvellous.
What is it?
-I gotta go again.
-What?
-I gotta go.
-Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Do do do.
-All right.
But don't cause any commotion.
Uh, walk slowly now.
-You know, David Bowie
did the stage version.
-Oh, yeah.
-He had King Vitamin
for breakfast.
-Rat Fink, you have a
perfectly beautiful,
beautiful collection.
-[CHUCKLES] Blaaa.
[MAKES_FARTING_NOISE]
-If I may say so, this time
you have outdone yourself.
-Yeah, whatever.
I've got things to do.
-Yes.
But what I want to ask you--
-(EUROPEAN ACCENT) Where
in Europe am I from?
-Uh, what I want to
ask you, Rat Fink is--
-Yes, Neon?
-Uh, what's the
fastest land animal?
---several days now
and, and, and, I,
I just want to look in on them
to see if everything is nice.
Then, I I will come right back.
I promise you.
-Never mind the monsters, Neon.
-Here's the Sex Pistols.
---on them myself.
-But you never let
me see them anymore.
You're always putting me off.
-Hm?
-They are my monsters, Rat Fink.
I, I created them with these--
-[MOANING]
---two hands, with this mind--
-Are you saying, Neon,
that my own creations
are something less than yours?
-And you, Tin Man, step forward.
-Of course not, Rat Fink.
Uh, we both know the,
the value your great work
will bring to the world.
-Oh, get your nose
out of my butt
and go see your
precious monsters.
-You'll be quite
pleased to know, Neon,
that all of your monsters
will soon be multiplied.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Uh, Mr. Fink?
Uh, sir, could we
get a pop over here?
-Why do you think I
have these girls here?
-I give up.
Why?
-Partners would be difficult
to find. [LAUGHING]
-Stop laughing like that.
-The offspring should be
most interesting. [LAUGHING]
-Stop it.
-[GROANS]
-Those girls and my monsters?
Oh, why that's,
that's wonderful.
-At what point do
they free Willy?
-Hey, w-- Huh?
-OK, Tiger, I'll
pull the switch.
-You know, it's possible they're
making an electric Santa Claus.
-[CHUCKLES] At this point,
they could be doing anything.
-You.
-I like her.
-Yes, it's me.
-[BABBLING]
-You're wondering
how I found you.
-[GRUNTS]
-You should know me
better than that.
-My breasts led me here.
-A cave, of all places.
It was so elementary, Rat Fink.
I don't know how you
could have taken the bait.
-I'm still here, and I--
-I knew you would
kidnap my girls.
And that's what I counted on.
-Hm.
That's a homing device.
-But men like it too.
-Each one of the girls
carries oscillators
set for my own frequency.
And this not only picks
them up but also frees them.
[LASER GUN BEEPING]
[CHAINS CRASHING]
-Free the others.
Use your magnetic
electron device.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Well, why
don't I just unhook them?
-Hey, Tiger, why'd you
let her creep up on you?
-(ENGLISH ACCENT) I can
hear my heart breaking.
-I didn't have to
creep up on him.
He realized of his
own making that he
would do the honorable thing
and set that girl free.
-Hmm?
-This boy has fallen in love.
[MEN CONGRATULATING
TIGER TOGETHER]
-She's recapping things
from other movies.
-Uh, may I introduce myself?
-[MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER
3000 GROUP TOGETHER] No.
-My name is Flanagan,
Jim Flanagan.
I am vice president of the
Ayjax Development Corporation.
-We're all vice presidents
of the Ayjax Development
Corporation.
---have a little
pow-wow that we can iron
this out and put it a new way.
Uh, um, Mr. Rat Fink, I
understand you have our, uh--
-Hold the microphone
steady, Batwoman.
-Thank you.
That's a very good idea, to, to
sit down and talk things over
around the table.
I could whip up
something for the brain.
-[BABBLING]
-I will have something
for all of us,
and I have something
else for you in mind.
-Yes?
-Forget it, professor.
-I'm holding--
-I've had enough--
---the hair dryer.
---of those pills of yours.
I have no desire
to be made happy.
-Well, how would like to
try out the poison pill?
-[BABBLING]
-Well, professor, now
that you mentioned it,
maybe just a little--
-Now listen to me.
I've had enough of this
dribble, all of you.
-Speak into the mic.
-You're forgetting
where you are.
-And what movie you're in.
-This is a sanctuary of science.
-Hm?
-A place of--
-Sanctuary.
---discovery.
-Was a place of discovery.
You'll carry out the
work of evil no longer.
And I'll find a
satisfaction I've
waited for much too
long, your true identity.
-Woah, my nose.
-Remove his mask, 14.
-No!
-I think it's going
to be Tony Roberts.
-I don't know.
-I fear your weapon,
Batwoman, but I
have no wish to be destroyed.
-Want some cider?
-I have an emergency
call for the revelation
of the greatest
discovery of my career.
-Oh, great.
-My fabulous body divider will
render things most difficult
for you, I'm certain.
-Stay where you are.
-Huh.
-All right.
I will.
-The compliant villain, can do.
-Maybe it's Ron Leibman.
Hmm.
-Yeah.
-[LAUGHING]
-Wh--
-I needed your
reflection, Batwoman.
I'm still over there, and
at the same time I'm here.
And look, I'm there and
there too. [LAUGHING]
-Or maybe it's Madonna?
Or John Candy?
Or Adrienne Barbeau?
-Oh.
Hold them.
-[LAUGHING] You'll never--
-[MOCKING_LAUGHTER]
-[MOCKING_LAUGHTER]
-I'll keep on dividing
myself until you
lose count. [LAUGHING]
-I'll divide myself
into quarter acre lots.
I'll build houses so
close to myself, you
won't be able to catch
me. [MOCKING LAUGHTER]
-What is this?
Some kind of a weird-ass
hootenanny all of a sudden?
-(SINGING) It's a hootenanny.
-Gina.
-You know a movie
is bad, bad, bad
if it makes "The
Monkees" look good.
-Mm hmm.
-(SINGING) I know that you are
out there somewhere having fun.
-(FEMALE VOICE) You never come
and see the baby, you rat.
-This is like a classic
"Loopy de Loop" episode,
except I'm laughing
to kill myself.
-[CHUCKLES]
-Maybe they'll all turn
into butter and nuts.
-Woah.
There's a bride
for every brother.
-OK, OK.
People, if I could get
all the dancing Rat
Finks to one side of the stage
and all the singing Rat Finks
to the other, please.
-(FEMALE VOICE) And you never
help me around the house.
I hate you.
-Zany, huh?
-I wish I was
hanging by that rope.
-Yeah, me too.
-Looks so good.
-[HICCUPPING] Uh, just one
more. [MAKES_GLUGGLING_NOISES]
-Bless you, bless you.
Go in peace.
-(FEMALE VOICE) Excuse me.
That's my cape.
Excuse me.
-Kill me.
Kill me.
-Batwoman, can you do something?
Somebody's gonna get killed.
-Definitely acceptable losses.
-Mm hmm.
-I think so.
---allowable capacity
of 2.4 micropherics.
If the cap--
-Wait.
What?
---electronic cease to floor--
(FEMALE VOICE) Take two a
day until the rash goes down.
---start his equipment.
-Well, if he has
power enough, I'll
need several thousand volts
linked with what I have.
-(FEMALE VOICE) I'm trying
to get all things considered.
-You can do it.
Now turn this
slowly, very slowly.
-[SINGING_ALONG_WITH_MUSIC]
-Thank you.
We wish we could hire you all,
but there is only one part.
You were all
wonderful Rat Finks.
-I can say one thing for you.
You have a tremendous
generating plant here.
-Thank you.
-It's been used properly
now for the first time.
Your little game has
finally come to an end.
-You'll not win out
over me, Batwoman.
-[LAUGHS] I've got a pencil
sharpener and a bowl of sugar,
and I'll use them.
-You know what's
in this? bottle?
It's Cobalt-40.
-It's bubblicious.
-A few drops of this on the
hearing aid, and the atoms
will begin to split.
-Batwoman, he knows
about the mischief.
-I'll do it, Batwoman.
I'll do it if you force my hand.
-[MIMICKING_BANJO_MUSIC]
-I don't wanna die
because of you.
-You're a fink, Rat Fink.
-[LAUGHS]
-[GRUNTS]
-Here, here.
-Uh huh.
-Then that's it, Rat Fink.
Remove his mask.
-[GASPS] William Faulkner!
-Wow.
-JB?
-Hideous.
-Yes.
-Please do not reveal
the secret to "The Wild,
Wild World of Batwoman."
-But--
-[GROANING]
--in all these years, you've
been leading a double life?
-You wild man.
-You went to all this trouble
to steal your own invention?
-I had to do it.
-(GOOFY VOICE) Hello.
Hi.
Excuse me.
Ooh.
Ohh.
Excuse me.
Coming through here.
Pardon me.
-They insisted on 51
tickets being destroyed.
-Oh, has anybody seen my wallet?
-I couldn't allow that.
-[HUMMING] Hm.
Nom, nom, nom.
-I just have one
little weakness.
-Weakness?
What weakness?
-Dive bars.
I love them.
-Well--
-Somebody give Heathcliff
a rawhide chew.
---little idiosyncrasies.
-I stalk Rue McClanahan.
-My weakness is-- I
know this sounds trite,
but I can't help myself.
-I should be
sternly disciplined.
-Oh, yes.
-I like to listen in on
telephone conversations.
-Ahh.
-The hearing aid was
designed for that purpose.
I realized that only by
having it stolen from--
-What the--?
---myself could I hope
to have it preserved.
-Somehow that got in there.
Sorry, folks.
---for long.
And neither will we.
-He spilled the Cobalt on it.
-Huh?
-It's too late!
It's seeming through the outer--
-[MIMICKING_BANJO_MUSIC]
-[MIMICKING_BANJO_MUSIC]
-[HUMMING]
[ALL STOP ABRUPTLY]
-Oh.
-[YELLING]
-Neon, Batwoman, we gotta
find a way outta here!
-Be quiet.
-We must swim out to the ocean.
-[MIMICKING_BANJO_MUSIC]
-[MIMICKING_BANJO_MUSIC]
---in a few minutes will
be the only way out.
Everyone, move!
-Well, I think we're
outta the woods as far
as chasing Rat Fink
around the table anymore.
-Mm hmm.
-[HUMMING]
-[MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER
3000 GROUP TOGETHER] Ahh!
-Oh.
-[MOCK_SOBBING]
-(SINGING) People
try to put us down.
-(SINGING) Talking
about my gener--
-Woah.
-Huh?
-Woah.
-Oh.
-(SINGING) I'll shoot myself
if we ever meet again.
Doesn't matter where,
doesn't matter when.
-This is my favorite
scene so far.
-Mm.
-This one.
-"The Wild, Wild
World of Batwoman"
now concludes its broadcast day.
-[WHISTLING]
-(MOCK NARRATOR VOICE) In Grant
Park, on Lake Shore Drive.
-[LAUGHING] [SOBBING] Why?
Why?
-They're like drift babies.
Um, a little more
to the left, please.
-Yeah.
-Uh, pan left.
-Hi.
-[CHUCKLES]
-Oh.
-Harder, harder.
-This beach is just one big
litter box to him. [GROANS]
-Ew.
-[GRUNTS] Wars, Professor Neon.
-[GROANING]
-Neon, what happened?
-[GRUNTS]
-I can't remember a thing.
-[LAUGHS] Heathcliff, you've
gotten your voice back!
-Yes.
Yes, of course.
My voice-- voice-- I-- Yes.
-And now it's "Flowers
for Algernon."
-I remember now.
It's coming back to me.
But-- but it's been a long time.
-Huh.
-Well, 14 years.
-Another plot?
-14 years?
-Oh, thank godH Heathcliff
got his voice back.
-Oh.
-We-- we were working
on an experiment,
one that would bring
out the personality
traits of an animal.
-Yes.
-But Professor Neon--
-What about the hearing aid?
Am I crazy?
Wasn't that the plot?
-I gave you--
-[SIGHS]
---some of the formula.
-You gave me some
of the formula?
-Mm hmm.
-Me, your friend,
your benefactor,
the one who's
financing your work?
-Well, I--
-Mike, I demand
that you kill me.
-Me too.
-No, no.
-But I've taken care of you.
-Can't have much to go.
-All of these years, I,
I've taken care of you.
And I'm thankful for that.
-Will you kill me?
-But we'll have to
discuss this, Neon.
We'll have to discuss
this quite thoroughly.
Now come along.
Let's get away from this place.
-And another thing,
you kissed me before.
What was that about?
-I, I can't straighten up.
[GROANS]
-No.
-You can't straighten your back?
-[GROANS]
-Well, don't fret, professor.
Just give me your hand.
-Did we kill you?
-Really, who could not
appreciate the irony here?
Huh?
-(SINGING) And your
brains ain't up to par.
And your ears stick out too far.
Oh, Hamburger Hill.
[BAT GIRLS CHANTING]
-Good.
I'm hungry.
-(BAT GIRLS TOGETHER) --who
are dedicated to Batwoman,
take our oath with
all sincerity.
-Oh, boy.
-(BAT GIRLS TOGETHER)
We, the girls,
wh are dedicated
to Batwoman, take
our pride with all sincerity.
-And another troupe
is brainwashed.
-(BAT GIRLS TOGETHER
WITH TIGER) We,
the girls who are
dedicated to Batwoman,
fight against evil
with all sincerity.
-Oh, no.
Jackie Vernon
joined up with them.
-He's not a girl.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Now.
-You're one of us now, Tiger,
so you gotta do it right.
-Uh-oh.
-Oh, boy.
-Oh, no.
I have to think
about his hips again.
-Avert your eyes.
-D'oh.
-Boy, their training
is rigorous.
It's like the Israeli Army.
-No, it's better.
-Oh.
-It's cuter.
I like-- Well-- well.
Heathcliff, what a
wonderful dual role.
-No, no.
Everything's quite satisfactory.
-It's that one Kid in the Hall.
-Yeah.
He's turned into
Paul Lynde here.
-[CHUCKLES]
---unheard of in
my college days.
-[SINGING_ALONG_TO_MUSIC]
-In fact, if I'd made
movements like that,
I'dve been firmly
boxed in the ears.
-Well, the music's
terrible, but at least
it's drowning out the dialogue.
-I figured out what went
wrong with Neon's experiments.
-[BABBLING]
-[BABBLING]
-As a child, I fell on my head.
-Good.
-[CHUCKLES]
---my turning into
a celestial genius.
-Batwoman's medallion is
just like right there.
-The explosion,
of course, brought
upon the very same results.
-Hmm?
-You know, it's simply amazing
what can be accomplished by--
-Meh.
---a simple blow to
the head. [CHUCKLES]
-Hi.
I'm Merv Griffin.
Ooh.
-Now hold still.
-Hmm?
-Oh.
-Ow.
-What a talent.
Shelley Berman, folks.
You know, this is
what happened when,
when the guy that thinks he's
a hoot gets into a movie.
-Yep.
-[WHISTLING]
-You're rather cheeky.
-Ohh.
-Woah.
You outta have that looked at.
-I'll look at it.
-I'ma going to.
-My goodness.
-[SIGHS]
-[HUMMING_ALONG_WITH_MUSIC]
-Oh no!
-[CHUCKLES] If I ever
get back to Earth,
the first thing I do--
-See your family?
-Nope.
I'm gonna hunt
down Jerry Warren.
-Good.
-Slow down.
You're going to
dislocate something.
-[LAUGHS] Not since Dean
Jones in "The Love Bug," eh?
-Oh!
Oh!
(FEMALE VOICE) Oh, he's
leaving an oil slick.
Help!
-Huh.
-Oh, Donald.
Oh, Donald.
Oh.
(SCREAMING) End!
End!
-[CHUCKLES]
-What a wild, wild world.
-Please stay away from sharp
instruments for three weeks
after viewing this film, and
do not operate heavy equipment.
Thank you.
-So why does Crow get a
chance to respond, Mike?
-Well, it's due process.
As the accused, he's owed
a chance to defend himself.
-Oh.
-Plus, it gives him hope.
And that should make killing
him an even richer experience.
-Oh.
-We're not gonna kill him.
And take the hood off.
-Oh.
-Well, I'm here for
my last-ditch hearing.
I've got a statement.
Hi, everyone. [CHUCKLES] Well,
where to start? [CHUCKLES]
-Should we listen?
We're shunning him.
-No, we should listen.
-Oh, good.
It's hard to shun.
I keep forgetting.
-If it please the court--
-It pleases the court.
Quiet, everyone.
-[CLEARS_THROAT] As I
think back on my life,
I see basically a good robot.
A robust and exemplary
youth was followed
by an unusually religious
and public-spirited
young adulthood.
Then I began my life of service,
being crushed into an ingot,
being hung upside
down in chains.
-You know, it's really true.
-Yet all that matters not,
for trouble has found me.
-Oh.
-I stand accused of cheating.
And here is where the
story becomes complex.
-Complex?
You copied my paper.
What's complex about--
-Shh.
-If my actions, if
my creative methods
for obtaining information have--
-He copied my whole paper.
-Shh.
-If those methods have been
perceived by some as less
than on the up and up, this
causes me so much pain.
-Can we just kill him now?
-Perhaps, in my purity, I
did not recognize temptation.
-[SCOFFS]
-The tragedy is
almost too perfect.
But I accept the consequences.
I forgive Mike for forcing
me into this situation.
-Well--
-He did not realize the
trap he was setting.
-Wait a minute.
-I forgive Servo and Gypsy.
-He copied my frigging paper!
-Down he goes!
Down!
-And I forgive myself.
-Huh.
-Thank you.
-[CHUCKLES]
-I await your verdict.
-Well, Crow, uh, first off,
it seems like you never really
got to the apology.
-No.
-Oh, uh, right.
[CLEARS_THROAT] In an otherwise
selfless and velvet life--
-Velvet?
---I have cheated.
And when you cheat, you make an
eat out of C and H. I'm sorry.
-The court finds the
defendant guilty.
[SOBBING]
-Oh!
-But he's basically
a decent guy.
So he and all his
friends are sentenced
to eating Hostess Sno
Balls all night long.
-Yay!
-Whoo hoo!
-[LAUGHING]
-I was with ya out
of line, buddy.
-Really?
-I hope you never fry.
-Oh, thank you.
-Hey, guys, wanna read a letter?
-Hey, yeah.
-Oh, sure.
-We got a letter here from,
uh, a guy named Eric Bauman.
Hey, put it up on still store.
-OK.
Put that on still store.
-Oh.
Hey, neat.
-And here's what he says.
He says, I will soon
be starting law school.
-Oh.
-And I would like
to represent you
in a suit against Dr.
Forrester and TV's Frank.
-Oh.
-I could have used a lawyer.
-I believe that you
have on your hands
a clear case of wrongful
marooning in space
and may be entitled
to a large cash award.
-Wow.
Cash.
-(SOUTHERN ACCENT) Eric, you're
gonna do the right thing, son.
You're gonna protect
the firm, right?
And by the way, we
got some pictures
of you and your
girlfriend. [CHUCKLES]
-Oh, no, no, no.
-Give them the address.
-OK.
Address for the Mystery Science
Theater Information Club,
Post Office Box 5325
Hopkins, Minnesota 55343.
Do it today.
-What do you think, sirs?
-Hmm?
-I admit, I ask you
to do this, Frank.
I mean, I wanted to take a risk.
-And you did.
You did.
You really look-- [YELLING]
-Oh, really?
That good?
The way the sideburns
are that way?
Well, I, I like it.
I do like it.
I'm very happy with my
decision. [CHUCKLES]
Now be a dear and push the
button, will you, Frank?
Frank?
Oh, never mind.
I'll get it. [CHUCKLES] Woah.
[THEME MUSIC]
-[LAUGHING]