Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 6, Episode 13 - The Brain That Wouldn't Die - full transcript

♪ In the
not-too-distant future ♪

♪ Way down in Deep 13 ♪

♪ Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank ♪

♪ Were hatching an evil scheme ♪

♪ They hired a temp
by the name of Mike ♪

♪ Just a regular Joe
they didn't like ♪

♪ Their experiment
needed a good test case ♪

♪ So they conked
him in the noggin ♪

♪ And they shot him into space ♪

♪ We'll send him cheesy movies ♪

♪ The worst we can
find, la la la ♪

♪ He'll have to sit
and watch them all ♪

♪ And we'll monitor
his mind, la la la ♪

♪ Now, keep in mind
Mike can't control ♪

♪ Where the movies
begin or end, la la la ♪

♪ He'll try to keep his sanity ♪

♪ With the help of
his robot friends ♪

♪ Robot roll call ♪

♪ Cambot ♪

♪ Gypsy ♪

♪ Tom Servo ♪

♪ Crow ♪

♪ If you're wondering how
he eats and breathes ♪

♪ And other science
facts, la la la ♪

♪ Just repeat to yourself
it's just a show ♪

♪ For should really just relax ♪

♪ With "Mystery
Science Theater 3000" ♪

- Hi everyone. I'm Mike.

Welcome to the Satellite of
Love and this week's experiment.

I'm a little out of breath.
Just hold on a second.

The, uh, the bots have
been running me through

a heap of bad movies,

kind of in training for this
week's actual experiment.

- Come on, Mike, we
haven't got all day.

The proverbial hour is nigh,
if you know what I mean,

- I know training has been
a little rigorous on you,

new boy, but dig
down deep, buddy.

- Yeah, yeah, because compared
to today's experiment,

"The Beast of Yucca Flat"
was just a cakewalk.

- I don't know if I can do it.

- Ah, buck up, new meat.

- Thanks, Tom.

- That's Crow.
- I'm Tom.

- Right.

- Well, you quipped your way
through "Night of the Lepus",

but this is the real thing, son.

This is the big time.

Marc Singer walks up in the
loincloth. What do you say?

- Now I know why the
show is called "V".

- Good, good. Not bad.

Okay, meatball,
word association.

Robert Lippert.

- Uh, good.

- No.

- Bad, I meant bad.

- Well, very good, Mike.

Your training's not been wasted,

but there's just one
thing we've got to know.

One last piece to the puzzle.

- Here we go.
- Sid Melton.

Answer is?

- Little Monkey Boy.

- Hello, Mr. Neilson.

- It's Nelson.

- And we'll be right back.

- Is that my line?
- Don't push it.

- Sorry. Sorry.

(upbeat music)

- You ready?

- Sure.

- Seem pretty nonchalant.

- I've achieved
a state of clear.

- Huh, neat. Well anyway,
the Mads are calling.

- Yeah.

- So we just hop
to? Let 'em wait.

- Really? Radical.

You see that?

- So, Mr. Nelson.

Mr. El Relaxo. That's nice.

Maybe I'll just have you do
your invention exchange first.

First, do you hear me? First!

- Great.

- Good luck, buddy.

- Yep, take it away, Mark.

- That's Mike.
- Whatever.

- Well, anyway, I've always
been annoyed by umbrellas.

The way the water
just washes off

and gets your back
all wet anyway.

- I didn't know that
about umbrellas.

- That's right.

So I've added a gutter system
around the outside edge

and a spout leading down.

- Towards your shoes.

- Crow!

- Great Scott, he's right.

- No, no, no, no.

I've got that covered too. You
just point it out the back.

- This is a good idea. Simple.

- Definitely simple.

- But good.

- Can you make me one?

- Sure.

- Hey, way to go, man!
What do you call it?

- Ah, how about the gutter?

- Bumber?

- Shoot.

The gutterbumbershoot,
I like it.

Gutterbumbershoot, hey!

- [All] Gutterbumbershoot!

Gutterbumbershoot!

Gutterbumbershoot!

Gutterbumbershoot!

- Oh, good God. Calm down.

It's just an umbrella
with gutters.

Now here's how you do an
invention exchange, Mitch.

It's a beautiful day,
you're out for a walk,

when you spy some
porcine freckled bratling

enjoying himself
just a bit too much.

Oh, you'd love to run
over and push him down

and take his bike,
but that can be risky.

Enter Dr. Forrester's
Dream Buster.

You see those balloons?

What this puppy does is set
up a frequency of, well,

it would take a
scientist to explain.

Just watch.

(Dream Buster beeping)

(balloons popping)

(Frank crying)

It's got a range of 60 yards,

and that's an
invention exchange.

Back up to you, Marv.

- So how am I supposed to react

when he shows me
that kind of stuff?

- Try to act impressed.

- No.

- It's what he's looking for.

- It's what he needs.

- Yours is a lot better.

- Yeah, I agree.

You know, you simply used
glue to attach those gutters.

The more I think about it,

the more beautiful
it seems to me.

- Mike is a very nice name.

- I feel like I'm
in a Traveler's ad.

- (snoring) I'll tell!

Mom!

- Mom?

I'm your mother now, Frank.

- Ah, greenhorn.

Almost time for your
first experiment.

These are experiments, you know,

and you are a lab rat.

Lab rat. (laughing)

Lab rat!

Send them the movie, Frank.

Give me this.

- Whoa, movie sign!
- We've got movie sign!

- What do I do, what do I do?

(all shouting)

- Hey, that was really good.

- Yeah, I'm excited.

- Uh, Mike? You gotta bring Tom.

- [Mike] Why?

- Because he can't
hover, there's a,

there's an air grate there.

- [Mike] I'll get
him. Sorry, buddy.

- You're missing the movie!

- [Mike] Sorry, sorry.

- [Tom] I've never been
so humiliated in my life.

- [Mike] I didn't
know. How could I?

These people will
be exploring issues

that are teens' issues.

- [Tom] Right out of the gate.

- [Mike] I'm doing
pretty good, huh?

- Just give it time.
- Okay.

- By permission
of Laurel Records.

Oh please, Laurel Records.
Let us use "The Web", come on.

- [Tom] Do you think a
gaffer is just someone

who keeps messing up?

- [Mike] He's not a
gaffer, he's a G-A-F-F.

- [Tom] It kinda looks like
a Jenny Holzer piece to me.

- [Mike] This music
is fantastic, just,

could you do the adagio?

It's fantastic.

- Rex Carlton,
court-appointed lawyer.

- [Tom] Huh, you know, I
bet a lot of corned beef

went down between these two.

(Tom humming along to music)

- [Mike] But for Joseph Green,

there would come another film.

- And now our story.

- [Tom] All right, here,
look at this brain.

See? It won't die!

- [Mike] Just a normal
Tuesday for Cher.

- Whoops. Uh, get
that for me, would ya?

Splat.

- [Tom] Come on, try harder.
You can do better than that.

- [Mike] Breathe,
stupid, breathe!

- Well, you're right.

The liver isn't in the skull.

- [Mike] Well, throw
'em on the pile.

- I should have known
he was as good as dead

when they wheeled him in.

- [Tom] Because he
got me as his doctor.

- Can I move my finger now?

- Everything except
save my patient.

- [Mike] You didn't do magic.

- [Doctor] Everything
on the books.

- [Tom] Well, I'm
gonna go get my Eggo

out of the toaster oven.

Anybody want one?

- Now Dad, do I have
permission to take over

and try things my way?

- Have at 'em. We'll
make it a closed casket.

- The operating room is
no place to experiment.

- He's dead. I
can't do any harm.

- [Mike] But what does turning
them into clowns prove, John?

- [Very well. The
corpse is yours.

- [Tom] Go in peace.

- Do what you want to do.

- All right.

Make an opening into
the chest cavity.

Apply 100 milliamps of
current directly to the heart,

then massage by hand.

I'll handle the brain area.

- [Mike] You are completely
winging it, aren't you?

- By yourself?
- By myself.

- Oh geez, let the baby
have his brain area.

- [Mike] All right. Here we go.

Oh God. Look at all the hair.

- Hey surgeon surgeon,
hey, he's no surgeon,

hey, batter batter!

- [Tom] Geez, this man
had love in his tummy.

- [Mike] Hey, he's
stealing his nipple.

- Cool.

A license plate, a
boot, a tricycle wheel.

This man was a bottom-feeder.

- [Tom] You really are new
at this, aren't you, Dad?

- [Mike] Hey. Hey, come here.

You want to see something?

Look what he's
doing to this guy.

- What's the thing that
looks like a mushroom?

Oh, my thumb.

- [Tom] Are you tossing a
salad down there? Hurry up!

Nothing up my sleeve.

- [Mike] Dad, I know
this isn't a good time,

but an I borrow the car tonight?

- Oh, it's not color-coded
like the book was.

- This reminds me, son.

You make your stroganoff
for dinner tonight?

- [Mike] We find the
music relaxes the corpse.

- [Tom] Geez, he
had a canvas skull.

A heavy rain would kill him.

- I have to work fast,
if it isn't too late.

- The guy's a crowd-pleaser.

- You talk as if
he's still alive.

- [Doctor] He is.

- [Mike] He's only mostly dead.

- [Doctor] I just picked
up a faint pulse beat.

- Keep massaging the heart.
- I am, I am.

- [Tom] Oh, that feels good.

- An electric shock should
stimulate the motor area

enough to enervate
the heart again.

Then he won't need
any external stimuli.

- Keep away from the motor area.

You'll paralyze him for good.

- Which would you rather
be, paralyzed or dead?

- [You're trying to play God.

- [Tom] Tag, You're God.

- Not yours to make.

- When the obstetrician has
to decide which to save,

the mother or the child,
who plays God then?

- [Mike] He's pregnant too?

- It's part of the game.

- The game?

The human body's not a jigsaw
puzzle to experiment on.

- It's Gnip Gnop.

- You're playing it safe
like the other doctors.

- [Mike] Yeah, jagoff.

- I'll save my breath.
Keep massaging the heart.

You've already lost
your patient, doctor.

I'm going to save mine.

- [Tom] Ooh, that stung.

- [Doctor] The pulse is coming
back stronger than ever.

- Thank you, Grandma.

- [Doctor] Unbelievable.

- Nothing is unbelievable

if you have the
nerve to experiment.

I've been working on
something like this for weeks

- In your laboratory?

- [Mike] Yes, my laboratory.

- I knew this would work if
only I had the opportunity.

- We don't conduct
experiments on people.

You should be sure
of the results.

- Then they wouldn't
be experiments.

- [Tom] Yeah.

- I am now. Stop
massaging the heart.

- [Tom] You were
enjoying it too much.

- Let's see if it can
take over by itself.

- Yep, I'll take it from here.

- [Mike] Luke, join me or you'll
star in "Corvette Summer".

- All right, close up the chest.

- [Tom] Zip!

- I'm about finished
with the cerebral area.

- [Mike] Oh, leave
his area alone.

- How's his pulse?

- [Doctor] Strong and steady.

- Oh, it's real strong
and steady, don't ya know.

- [Tom] Geez, what
the hell is this?

A long one, boy. Stringy too.

- [Mike] There, put
your finger right there.

- I'm giving him a little
piping. Think it looks nice.

- Hey, you did
perform a miracle.

I may not approve
of your method, but.

- [Tom] The fans
seem to like it.

- I am proud of your results.

- [Mike] Anyway,
I can't find it.

I think my class
ring's in, in him.

- Don't worry.
We'll get it later.

- [Tom] Geez, someone should
have invented the IV stand.

- [Mike] Then take it
easy in the hallways.

- [Tom] And so the little
fellow was wheeled into post-op

for close observation.

- I, I love you, Dad.

- I love you, Son.

- [Mike] Hey, you're not
my dad! You're Hitler!

- An amazing, even an
extraordinary operation, son.

Still, it's too risky,
too uncontrolled.

- [Tom] Oh, don't
start, old man.

- I saved his life.

- And the aftereffects?
What about them?

- What about them? They're fun!

- You've lost the
urge to experiment.

To explore.

- [Mike] Order up. I need
those onion rings on the fly.

- [Tom] You know,
they're doctors,

but they do puppet shows too.

- Oh, Judy!

- Don't explore on people.

Before you put a scalpel to one,

an operation like this needs
testing under every condition.

- Yeah. You want mayo?

- Over and over again.
Rabbits, mice, monkeys.

- [Mike] Humpty-back camels.

- Not people.

- That man who should be
dead now won't think so.

- What do you say to that, huh?

- There's more to
surgery than just being

a carpenter to patch up walls
or a plumber or drain pipes.

- Or a muffin baker
to bake muffins.

- Our bodies are
capable of adjusting

in ways we've hardly dreamt of.

- [Mike] Can we not talk shop?

- If we can only find the key.

I'm so close now, so very close.

- You're different, son.

- The key to what?

- Complete transplantations.

To be able to transplant
limbs and organs.

- [Mike] To boldly
go where no man-

- To be able to replace
diseased and damaged

parts of the body as easily
as we replace eye corneas now.

- [Tom] We'll call
em Snap-Tite Limbs.

- So that the new parts
will join together

as though they were born there.

- [Tom] And rule the world!

- It can't be done.

- It can be done.

- Can't!
- Can!

- Can't!
- Can!

- Can't can't can't can't!
- Can can can!

(upbeat music)

- With my new special compound
I've created, I'll do it.

I know I can do it.

- Sure, sure, that's
what you think.

- That's what I know.

I know I'm close.

- [Mike] What do you want?

- I'm so proud of
you I could kiss you.

- [Tom] And your name is?

- Always promises.

- Careful. Your father's
liable to report us.

- Stop the floor show?

When you to a married, it
won't be fun to watch anymore.

- Ooh, well, that's late night.

- Your grandchildren
won't be test tube babies.

- What does that mean?

- You'd better
hurry if you want to

catch that plane to Denver, Dad.

You know that medical convention
can't start without you.

- [Mike] You're the MC.

- Jan, you'd better check
about my reservations.

- Oh yes. I'll call the airport.

I'll be right back.

- [Tom] She's red hot, son.

- Bill.

- [Tom] Honey.

- The line between
scientific genius

and obsessive fanaticism
is a thin one.

Now, I want you
on the right side.

- If I don't experiment,

how can I hope to
perform operations

like the one you
almost messed up.

- But I can't cover
up for you any more.

The superintendent
had it out with me.

He thinks it's you who has
been stealing those limbs

from the amputee operations.

- So what if it is?

- [Mike] That's
mildly unethical.

I've got to have limbs for
my transplant experiments.

- [Tom] They're delicious.

- Well, you said test and
experiment, test and experiment.

- Yes, but limbs and
organs taken from people?

- I've got to have
them to work with.

- Come on, give me the
keys to the morgue, Dad.

- Sure, I've made
a few mistakes.

- [Tom] Oops.

- But I've learned from
them. I've learned.

- [Mike] So you've
learned, then.

- Your reservations are
all set. 3:30 take-off.

- [Tom] Anything else?

- Well, what have you two
planned for the weekend?

- Oh, nothing much.

A quiet weekend.

- You're sure you're not
going up to the country house?

- We have a country house?

- You're always
sneaking off up there.

The place gives me the creeps.

I should've sold it
when your mother died.

- You can't sell that place.

- [Mike] Wait, Mother's dead?

- Well, I mean, it's nice
to get away from the city.

I can work without
anyone snooping around.

- You spend too
much time up there.

- [Tom] Yeah.

- All right, I'll see
you both in a few days.

I have to clean up
and get out of here.

- [Tom] And I don't want you

reanimating anything, young man.

- Fine operation or not, Bill,

you're walking on thin ice.

Don't go too far.

- And don't cry
over spilled milk.

And don't count your
chicks before they hatch.

I'm outta here.

- [Mike] Your
dad's such a boner.

- Oh, every time you touch
me, I go out of my mind.

- [Tom] But please
wash your hands.

- [Mike] Tissue, all right.

- Bill, I want to get married.
I can't stand not having you.

- You've been wonderful.

- I'd rather be a bride.

- In a few more weeks.

Nothing will keep us apart.

We'll be together.

- Doodly doodly
doodly, we're apart!

- [Mike] Oh, you taste
like Vince Edwards.

- Sylvia Plath, RN.

- [Tom] (whistling) Taxi!

- Dr. Cortner!

- Could you pee in
the bell jar, please?

- [Mike] Whoa.

- I'm so glad you're here.

I was afraid you'd gotten away.

There was a very important
phone message that came for you.

It sounded quite urgent.
I've been looking everywhere.

It was from a man called Kurt.

He called from
the country place,

and he said something
terrible has happened.

He wanted you to come right out.

- Thank you.

- [Mike] But I'm too
cool for emergencies.

- You've always wanted to know

what's kept me away from
you so many weekends.

Have you got the
keys to your car?

- The answer? Yes, she
has the keys to the car.

- [Tom] The long, long trailer.

- [Mike] Sid and
Nancy, American style.

- Why haven't you ever
taken me up here before?

- Because the things I'm
working on don't need audience.

- [Tom] It's performance art.

- That telephone
call. What about it?

- All right, all right,
hold off the questions.

- Why the mystery, Bill?

What's this all about?

- We'll be there soon
enough. You'll see.

- [Mike] Now shut up,
you're my trophy wife.

- I've got to hurry.

(suspenseful music)

- Chukkas to the floor, hurry!

- [Tom] Nick
Mancuso is Stingray.

- [Mike] A sign lift
by ancient astronauts.

(suspenseful music)

- You will enjoy
the tight suspension

of the Mercury Comet.

- [Mike] Think I'll
have a Papa Burger. You?

- Man, I want a pair
of those Chukkas.

- [Tom] And can we stop
at Grandma Squeakers'?

Can we stop at Turks' Inn?
- No.

- [Tom] Can we stop
at the Big Steer?

- [Mike] No.

- [Tom] Can we stop
at Cranberry Cove?

- Is he chasing James Dean?

- [Mike] Wow. That
was my prom theme.

- [Tom] What's this?

Our fanatical physician
and his fickle fiance

e speeding to their
country cottage?

- [Mike] That's pretty good.

- Mrs. Webb, you're doing very
well. Careful now, Mrs. Webb.

You're over the center
line, Mrs. Webb.

- [Mike] I've got to hurry.

- [Tom] Stop sign,
what stop sign?

Curve, what curve?

- Ah, the road is attacking me!

- [Mike] We now join
"Barefoot in the Park"

already in progress.

- [Tom] Look out,
look out, look out!

♪ Leader of the pack ♪

- Oh man, I'm really tired
from the crash. Honey?

Honey?

- [Mike] Well, this
shouldn't be too,

oh, honey, what are you doing?

Ew.

- [Tom] Diarrhea is like
a storm raging inside you.

- Shouldn't have eaten
at Jack-in-the-Box.

- [Mike] Hi, I'm
William Proxmire.

How are you doing?
Put her there.

- [Tom] (sniffing) It
actually smells good.

- [Mike] Honey
roasted. Honey roasted?

(Tom laughing)

- Here, put this on.
It'll keep you warm.

- [Mike] Would you
give me that back?

It makes you look tall.

- [Tom] Is that what, oh!

- Ew!
- That's her head!

- [Tom] Ooh, yuck.

Don't forget my purse! Honey!

- The rest of it's
pretty crispy.

- [Tom] You just had
to go fast, didn't you?

Well look, Mr. Big Shot. Now
I don't have a body anymore.

Are you happy?

- [Mike] Guys, I remember
his fiancee as being taller.

- Yeah.
- Yep.

- Thank you, God.

Thank you so bloody much.

- [Tom] I just realized what
I did. It's really gross.

- [Mike] Briggens is at
the 20, he's at the 10.

No one will catch him.

- It's either gonna
win the Nobel Prize

or the Heisman Trophy.

- [Tom] What if people
get the wrong idea?

This could really
be taken wrong.

Gotta get outta here.

- [Mike] Hi doctor. How
are you doing there?

- Oh, no problem. No head.

- Oh, hey Cambot, bring
it down here, okay?

Come on, buddy.

- Just yank it out. Don't
worry about the wires.

- He doesn't know
what he's doing.

You don't know what
you're doing, do ya, Mike?

- You guys, I've been
studying the manuals

ever since I got here.

I figure if we can gain control

of the inertial guidance system,

we got a chance of
getting out of here.

Anybody know what this does?

- Uh, nope.

- No, no way.

I don't think it's
important anyway.

- Just get rid of it then.

- Just cut the big
red cable. Try that.

- So why do you want to leave
so bad? You just got here.

- [Mike] You've been watching
the same movie I have, right?

A man's gotta try, fellas.

Hey, guys. It's
a mess down here.

There's old sandwiches,
Tom, you got like one, two,

no, there's like four heads
down here, did you know that?

- Sure.

- There's a dozen copies
of "The Picardian".

- Hey, those are mine. Those
are gonna be valuable one day.

- The big red cable,
Mike, just cut it.

- [Mike] Which one?
There's about 20.

- Um, the green one.

- Okay.

- Gee, boy.

Oh boy. Gee.

That's my fault. That was
the cheese compressor line.

Sorry.

- You guys,

I don't think we're gonna
gain control from here.

- Of course we're not.

- Nah, heck no.

We tried that a year ago.

- Well, why didn't you tell
me? Geez, wasted all this time.

- No, Mike, 'cause.

- 'Cause if you find a way out,

then you'll go and you'll
leave us all alone up here

and well, you'll be gone.

- Yeah.

- Guys, I'm trying to
figure out a way to get us

all out of here, okay?

- So, so like if you find a
big box marked "Hamdingers",

you're not gonna?

- Guys, there are no more
boxes marked "Hamdingers".

I know that.

Look, I promise I
won't leave you, okay?

Come on, cheer up. Cheese fight!

(Tom and Crow laughing)

- Oh hey, cut it out!
- It's fun!

- [Gypsy] Guys, guys!

- What is it, Gypsy?

- [Gypsy] It's not cheese.

(all groaning)

(upbeat music)

- [Mike] If it's not
cheese, what is it?

- [Tom] It tasted like cheese.

- I like it.

- [Bill] For God's
sake, open the door!

- [Mike] Hey, it's
Johnny Tremaine.

- Keep your head on! I'm coming!

- [Tom] You won't
believe the day I've had.

- A terrible accident.

I've got to save her,
I've got to save her.

- What is it? What
have you got there?

- Kurt, please.
- It's mine.

- We'll have to tune some
instruments, quickly.

- What are you going to do?

Aren't you going to have a
look in the closet first?

- No, I can't now.
This is more important.

- But you don't understand.

- For God's sake,
Kurt! This is urgent.

Do as I tell you
before it's too late.

I can't waste precious
time arguing with you.

- [Mike] How was my day?
Oh, it's not important.

- No time to mourn.
Got to get to work.

(suspenseful music)

- [Mike] Okay. And pencils down.

How much did you risk? Ooh.

- [Tom] This'll
get my pinot noir

that Tawny knows I've
been looking for.

- [Mike] So he's
a scientist, then.

- [Tom] Pretty much.

- Is it honey he's putting
in the KC Masterpiece sauce?

- Dude, he's wiring
his lab for KWAN.

- Pro Logic.
- Huh.

- [Mike] Man. I am tearing
through the Brawny.

- Should I?

- [Tom] One, two, three.

Aw, cripes, that
looks about right.

As long as I'm close.
This isn't rocket science.

- [Mike] I wonder how
dad's doing in Denver.

Hope his flight was okay.

- [Tom] I bet he's going to
turn her into Mrs. Olson.

(Tom humming)

- That flask has an
hourglass figure. It's hot.

Oh baby.

- [Mike] Well, his
methods are unusual,

but his coffee's great.

- [Tom] Well, a little of this
couldn't hurt, what the hell.

- Oh, you put the lime in the
coconut and drink it all up!

- [Mike] Say,
Doctor. It's Darkman.

- [Tom] Done. Now time
to make my own Bailey's.

- With a Matthews clock, you
always know what time it is.

Now back to our-

- [Mike] This is the most
complicated beer bong

I've ever seen.

(Tom humming)

"An American in Vitro".

- They saved Sister
Bertrille's brain.

- [Tom] Boss, you've broken
the goofy meter again.

- I saw them move.

It can't be.

- [Tom] She won't be able to do

any heavy lifting for a while.

- My eyes are deceiving me.

- What you see is real.

- [Mike] What you
smell is unfortunate.

- What's done is done and
what I've done is right.

It's the work of science.

- Science? I thought
you said pizza.

(Jan whimpering)

- [Tom] Could you
scratch my nose, honey?

(Jan whimpering)

She talks like Clutch Cargo.

- Doesn't she need lungs?

[Tom] No, she's got neck juice.

- Oh.

- Let me die.

- [Tom] I'm sorry?

- Let me die.

- [Mike] Oh, you're
welcome, honey.

- I've had success
with transplants.

Now I can do it for her.

- You can change
your hair color,

give her a complete makeover.

- Transplant her to what?

- Larry Storch.

- I'll bring her back.

She'll live and I'll
get her another body.

I can make her complete again.

- [Tom] A little shorter
maybe, but still.

- Only a madman can believe

that she could ever
be like before.

- Don't argue with me.

- Okay.
- I love her too much

to let her stay like this.

I'll restore her as before.

You'll see.

- Can't you realize?
Can't you see?

There's a pattern
to all that lives.

An order, an arrangement.

She had a heart and a brain.

- And the nerve!

- Her spirit was in both,
not in one or the other.

- [Mike] Now she's
a paperweight.

- I'll give her a
brain and a heart.

- Yes, and what of her soul?

- It's in the car.

- You say you love her,

and you can remember
her love for you.

- [Tom] As you can see folks,
no strings, no mirrors.

- Yet you've made of her
an experiment of horror.

- [Mike] Shut up, man.
You're lucky my chick's here.

- All the skill in science I
possess was meant for this.

Life has a pattern.

The whole pattern of my
life is shaping itself

to save her now.

- Then you intend to
go through with it?

- Yes.

- Well, at least you don't have

delusions of
grandeur or anything.

- Sleep, my darling.

Rest and grow strong.

- [Tom] Can I get
a neck pillow, hon?

- [Mike] Okay, now quiet, Kurt.

I just put her
down for the night.

- Come here. I've got a great
idea for a practical joke.

- [Mike] Put her neck in water.

- How long do you think
we can keep her alive

under these conditions?

- [Mike] Til she gets
pan sores, I guess.

- 50 Hours at the most.

- Do you really believe you
can work a transplant on her?

- [Tom] Nope.

- Successfully?

- Yes.
- Uh, no.

- Like my arm.

Withered and deformed.

- [Tom] His left
hand's pretty bad too.

- Yours was an early
experiment that failed.

With her, I'm using
my new adreno serum.

- Oh, the neck juice.

- It must work.

- [Mike] It's got no
fat and half the salt.

- I've got to go now.

If the police or anyone call.

- [Tom] Have her get it.

- Tell them you don't
know anything about it.

- [Mike] Honey.

- I don't think anyone
will trace us here because

her body was burned
in the wreckage.

- Yes, of course, of course.

Look, Bill, before you go.

- Could you give
me a sponge bath?

- Could you have a
look in that closet?

It's the reason why
I called you up here.

- [Tom] Oh, so that's why you
had me kill my girlfriend.

So I could see in the closet?

- [Crow] It looks
really nice in there.

I got a new organizer
and everything.

- [Mike] God speed, my friend.

- Okay, here he comes,
here he comes. Shh.

You need to keep it
down. Okay, shh, shh.

- [Tom] You knuckle-knob.
What do you have in here?

- Sounds like crazy
Guggenheims in there.

- [Tom] Hello, hello?

Looks like the Soupy Sales show.

- Hello, hello, hello, hello.

(creature growling)

- [Mike] Ew, Dylan Thomas'
last moments on Earth.

- Keep it locked.

- And keep the litter box clean.

- It almost broke out.

- Don't worry about it.
Just keep it closed.

- [Tom] I thought you'd love it.

Didn't just see the
hat I put on it?

- [Mike] Well, thank
you for showing me that.

It made my day a
little bit brighter.

- I have to find her a body.

- How are you going to
go about getting one?

- I'm not even gonna
dignify that with an answer.

- Bill, how will you do it?

- There are ways.

(Tom laughing maniacally)

There are ways.

- [Mike] Lots of
ways, many ways.

Have I mentioned there are ways?

- [Tom] Ways.

(upbeat music)

- [Mike] Hey, he walked
all the way to Paris.

(sensual music)

- [Mike] Say, this may
actually be an upgrade.

- [Tom] She can't
have a cardboard body.

I've ruled that out.

- [Mike] My name is Dirk,
what's yours? (coughing)

- Ooh, this is the one big
silver lining of my day.

- [Tom] It's nice and all,
but I want something sleazy.

- [Mike] If Jack
Ruby owned a Denny's.

- I hope that's not Rose Marie.

- [Mike] Hey look, the
panel from "What's My Line?"

is behind her.

- [Tom] Pasties and a
g-string, beer and a sharp,

boil 'em through a shot glass
and buffalo squeeze, ha ha.

- He's helping me. I'm fine.

- [Tom] Our soup of the day
is cauliflower au gratin.

Today's special is Salisbury
steak and German potato salad.

- [Mike] Oh, well, I'll
just see a menu, thank you.

- I am the menu.

- [Tom] I'm just curious.
What size collar do you wear?

- Senor Wences and
Evita, out on the town.

Talk to your hand.

- [Tom] Welcome to
the Diane Arbus Cafe.

- A night on the town
in Escanaba, Michigan.

- [Mike] This dance
represents that there

are no baked potatoes
til after five.

- [Tom] Jojo was a man who
thought he was a woman.

(Tom clucking)

- The spokesmodel competition.

- Rocky Graziano!

- [Mike] I must have blood
before the night is done.

- [Tom] Hey gang, there's
a snuff film playing

over at the Rialto, let's go!

(all cheering)

- Oh, wait for me.
(laughing awkwardly)

- [Mike] Mr. Graziano,
can I have your autograph?

♪ I'm getting
sentimental over you ♪

- Boy, what a shift.

- [Mike] He's rocking.

Who would've thought
a few hours earlier

he was cradling his
wife's head in his lap.

- [Tom] The 1958 floozy.

(Crow squeaking)

- Oh, hi. Have you
seen my chests?

So, you a goer, eh? Goer,
nudge nudge, know what I mean?

- Meanwhile, at
Kurt Cobain's house.

Oh.

- [Mike] Dave is such a
dink for not letting me die.

- He's keeping her
alive with Grey Poupon.

- [Tom] Boy, that was
an important scene, huh?

- [Mike] So you're
you're saying you're

not into dismemberment?

- Well, back into
the broom closet.

- Here's Abe Burrows
and Jimmy Hoffa

entertaining Eleanor Roosevelt.

- [Mike] Don't
wait up, everyone.

- [Tom] Ma'am, may I pour you
a buttock, a nip, a drink?

- What took you so long?

- What made you think I'd come?

- You know a good
thing when you see it.

- Yeah, there was plenty to see.

- And the Skillet
Scrambler was numtious.

- I liked your act.

- Is that all you liked?

- Well, your costume, what there
was of it, was interesting.

- Is that all?

- [Tom] Well, I liked
your Nicholson impression.

- The rest of the
equipment is standard.

But, uh, the arrangement
is pretty special.

- [Mike] Oh, by Elia Kazan.

- You're no tourist just
looking at the sights.

What are you doing
here? Slumming?

- Well, I get my
allowance once a week.

- Okay, if you're so loaded,
you pay for the drink.

- I already did.

- Oh, I ate your
shift meal, too.

- Are you hustling
for the house?

- I hustle for myself.

- [Mike] Oh, sorry
I offended you.

You really have a
lot of integrity.

- I'm the leading
lady around here.

I can dance for the
squares out front,

or I can relax back
here with my friends.

- I'll bet you don't have
an enemy in the world.

- [Tom] Well, I had a
falling out with Delta Burke.

Who hasn't?

- Hi, I'm Casey Kasem.

This one goes out to a heartsick
lover with a severed head.

- [Mike] Finally,
I'm a size eight.

- Let me die.

- [Tom] Are you
still on that kick?

Come on, pull yourself up by
the collar tabs and get a job.

- Let me die.

- After you've
cleaned your room.

- [Mike] To recap, let me die.

- Where are you from?

- Oh, around.

Just looking around.

- When you get done
looking, then what?

- I operate.

- I get your message.
It's coming across.

- [Tom] So, uh, what do you do?

- You could flip any chick
in the house. Why me?

- [Mike] Why not scramble me?

- Well, like I
said, I'm looking.

- And you don't have
to look any further.

I'm not gonna fake it for you.

- When do you go on
again, huh? When?

- Relax.

I got another show yet,
but it could be for you.

- I was just asking.

- I don't feel good.

- You're shaking. Are
you getting nervous?

I'm over 21.

- [Tom] 21? She's over 41.

- Oh, it isn't that, it's...

I just got things to do.

Things to take care of.

- Well, if doing that
will make you sick,

what could be more important

than to be taken
care of right now?

- Are you coming on to me?

- But I've, I've got to
see about helping somebody,

somebody who needs
my help very badly.

- [Mike] Hey, this,
this is sick. Ugh.

- Not when you've got
me feeling so good.

I'm so warm all over.

I know I'm good for you, I know
I'm good for what you want.

- [Tom] They are talking
about sex, aren't they?

- Really?
- I thought so.

- You may be just
what I'm looking for.

- [Mike] Ew.
(Crow whimpering)

- Lucy Arnaz is back
and she's pissed.

- You've got your nerve.

- Oh, look who's talking.

- Why don't you haul
your beat-up body

back to the bar with
the rest of the flies?

- Keep your g-string on.

I only came in here
to change my clothes.

(all shouting)

I'd like to see the
rest of the show.

- Come back in half an
hour and maybe you will.

- Get lost.

- [Tom] Could you
get rid of your dad?

- Hi, lover boy.

- Same to you.

- Hey, come here. Don't hide.

You know, you've
got the kind of face

a girl doesn't mind looking at.

Even up front, all the other
girls were asking about you.

- [Mike] Really?
What'd they say?

- Get out of here. Two's
company, three's a crowd.

- [Tom] Zing.

- Who's to tell me to
blow if I don't want to?

This here's my dressing
room too, remember.

- It kills her to
see me make time.

- You're the only thing
that's going to be made

around here tonight, honey.

- Eat your heart out.

- [Tom] Well.

- Well, I'd better be going.

- It's been sleazy
and all, but, uh.

- What for?
- Look what you've done.

- Oh, no, no.

- No no no no no, stop.

- Hey, desist, don't you!

Don't you.
- Freeze.

- Oh no!

(all shouting)

- I'll remember you.

- Yeah, that's
what I'm afraid of.

- [Mike] Do you
think he likes me?

- You lousy tramp.

Once in a blue moon I latch
onto a man with class,

and you messed it up.

- [Mike] What?

- What makes him
think you had him?

He wouldn't have you on a bet.

- Says who?

- Says me.

What's a guy like that
want leftovers for?

- Leftovers?

- Shannon Doherty, no!

- [Tom] Yes. Danny Bonaduce
in the fight of his life.

This is grotesque. I
gotta get out of here.

Take us out of this.

- No, finally something
I can really get behind.

Why don't you guys,
okay, I'm outta here.

(cat meowing)

(upbeat music)

- Well, new feller.

Gotta hand it to you.

You got us going on
a project right away,

having us design hats for the
lady in the movie, why you.

- I just feel so sorry for her.

Everything she must
be going through.

Her fiance is mental, and
she's lost her independence.

- Not to mention trying to
minimize your major figure flaw.

- Yeah.

- Well, I've always
thought that the right hat

can make you look
and feel terrific.

And that's why for her, I
designed a bowling bag hat.

She can zip it around herself

and just be toted anywhere.

- That's really clever there.

You know, my idea
was simply a crown

for that regal Katharine
Hepburn "Lion in Winter" look.

- Personally, I can't wear hats,

but I thought she'd looked
neat in my chianti hat.

- Oh, that is neat. Yeah.

- Very nice, very nice.

- You know, as a fellow woman,

I knew she'd want to create
the illusion of height.

So I came up with
this crown roast hat.

Which also serves six.

With a side of snow
peas and new potatoes.

- Well, I hope
you like this one.

I worked really hard on it.

To me, it sounded really cool

to give her a kinetic ball hat.

A real conversation starter.

- Put it on the
desk, aw. It works.

- This raspberry beret
just screamed fun to me.

- Well, let me just say
that form follows function

in my lazy Susan hat.

This way, she's really
the center of attention

at any dinner function.

(all laughing)

- Well? Fun, huh?

- Yeah, fun.

- I don't know.

I just have this feeling
she's really a shoes person.

- Huh.

(alarm blaring)

(all shouting)

- [Mike] Well, that
was my project, anyway.

- No, it was very good.
- Thank you.

- It was fun.

- [Mike] Oh, yeah.

- [Jan] What has he done to you?

- [Tom] What hasn't
he done to me?

(eerie music)

- I know there's someone there.

- She's trying to out someone
that doesn't want to be outed.

- Knock once if you hear me.

- [Mike] Knock three times on
the ceiling if you want me.

- [Tom] Oh good,
they're making friends.

- [Mike] Battery acid?
You're soaking in it.

- [Tom] It's like a pork hock.

- Jan in the Pan,
are you still here?

- [Tom] Aw, doggone it.

I always set down my
coffee and then lose it.

It's the rabbit mug.

- And I'm not the first.

Knock twice if
I'm not the first.

(knocking twice)

- [Mike] Oh, this is hot. Hot.

- He should've let me die.

- Oh, are you still on that?

Well, we've got
problems too, lady.

- I hate him for
what he's done to me.

- [Mike] Which is?

- If he only knew what
it's like being like this.

- [Tom] Oh, as if
you're the only one

who ever got their head cut off.

Quit whining!

- Do you know what it's like?

(something knocking)

- [Mike] Hey, it's
lights out down there.

Geez.

- Together we
could have revenge.

- Revenge, a dish
best served, oh.

- Want revenge?

- [Tom] No, I want to
sleep. Would you shut up?

(something knocking)

- [Mike] I want to join
in their conversation,

but I don't know what to say.

- I wonder if "Silk
Stalkings" is on yet?

- Yes.

You the thing inside, and
me the thing out here.

- [Tom] I'm just
freeforming here.

- My brain's still untouched.

And his keeping me
alive has given me

a power he didn't count on.

- [Mike] The power
of Matthew Star.

- A power that you can feel,

across this room and
through that door.

♪ To grandmother's house we go ♪

- Can't you?

(something knocking)

- [Tom] Oh, I'll
tell them a joke

I heard on "Arsenio" last night.

- [Mike] Ooh, I sat
on someone's hand.

He leaves his experiments
lying all over the house.

- Get me the president.

- Together, we're
both more than things.

We have a power as hideous
as our deformities.

- [Tom] Speak for yourself!

- Together, we'll
wreak our revenge.

- [Mike] Well, you already reek.

- I shall create power.

And you will enforce it.

- That's nice, honey.

Look, I'm gonna turn in.

- You the thing inside,
me the thing out here.

- [Tom] Great.

You know, you should come
to our Tuesday night group.

- [Mike] I've got it.

If I wander around
here some more,

it'll keep the budget down.

- [Tom] Yes, yes.

- I'm going to make a decision.

No, no.

- [Tom] Bill Clinton
in the Oval Office.

- That's it!

No it isn't.

Yes! No.

- [Mike] Yes. No?

Maybe. Yes.

No.

- Yes.

- [Tom] Hi, you decent?

(suspenseful music)

- [Mike] I'm in the tub.

- She's always in the tub.

- [Mike] Oh.

- Mrs. Carmichael?

- [Tom] I was gonna
make some popcorn.

Do you want, uh, oh yeah.

- [Mike] Anybody seen my wallet?

Oh, don't get up. I'll find it.

- Don't mind me.

Just keep doing whatever
it was you were doing.

- Maybe she could get work
in a Peter Gabriel video.

- [Tom] Cool.

- [Mike] Hello,
Mr. Thing? Hello?

- [Tom] Doh!

(Jan laughing)

- If I had sides, they'd
be splitting right now.

I'm sorry. It was
just really funny.

- [Tom] Getting
her juice up there.

- [Mike] Ew, she's
getting cradle cap.

- What's locked
behind that door?

- [Tom] I don't know, what's
locked behind that door?

- No normal mind could imagine.

Something even more
terrible than you.

- Oh, and our bicycles.

- No, my deformed friend.

Like all quantities, horror
has its ultimate, and I'm that.

- There is a horror
beyond yours.

And it's in there.

- [Mike] It's Pauly Shore.
(Tom gasping)

- Locked behind that door.

- Beside which Carol
Merrill is standing.

- Miles of experimentation
twist and turn

through mountains
of miscalculation

and often lose themselves
in error and darkness.

- [Mike] And sometimes
things just screw up.

- Behind that door
is the sum total

of Dr. Cortner's mistakes.

- A guy named Murray.

- [Tom] Well, I gotta
roll. I'll see ya.

- He had no right to
bring me back to this.

- [Tom] Boy, you have a
chip on your shoulder.

Ooh, did it again.

- Who knows?

But you should know.

- This operation's gonna
cost an arm and a leg.

- [Tom] Zing! Ooh!

- The doctor injected
a serum into that.

It was but a mass
of grafted tissues.

Lifeless.

It just lay there, weighted
down with its transplants

of broken limbs
and amputated arms.

But with this serum-
- I thee wed.

- It, it began to breathe.

- That's impossible.

- [Tom] You got a
lozenge or something?

- Would you have thought
possible what he's already done?

- He's worn plaid with stripes?

- You yourself.

- [Mike] Spock.

- He's brought you back.

You live.

- [Crow] You live, Joe.

- Only a few years ago.

- [Tom] Whoa, hey,
watch the table there.

Neck juice all over the floor.

- That's what he's
been doing up here

where no one would see his work.

- Yes.

- That and whoring
at the Moulin Rouge.

- Experimenting with
transplants on that.

And on me.

That he can tear away my
flesh time after time,

test after test.

- [Mike] But any job
has its downside.

- My hopes shattering
with each grafted arm

he fastened to me.

Watching it wither and warp.

- [Tom] Why he gave my hand
rich Corinthian leather

I'll never know.

- Look, you know they
say there's always
someone worse off?

I'm that person.

- You see, he's learned
from his mistakes.

- [Mike] Guys, I
think he likes her.

I think he's gonna ask her out.

- [Tom] Ooh!

- And you stayed with
him, helping him in
his grotesque work

that he claims is for science.

- Hey, you were gonna
marry him, okay?

- There's no place
for me on the outside.

This, a world where eyes
would look upon me with pity

and people would turn
away from me in disgust.

- [Mike] And then I'd show
them my hand. Thank you!

It's a one-arm joke.

- The alcoholic has his bottle.

- [Tom] Uh, yeah, right he does.

- The dope addict his needle.

- The chocoholic his Godivas.

- I had my research.

- [Mike] And I had my body.
Could you change my neck juice?

- To be a surgeon,
it was my life.

Then one night in
the laboratory, there
was an accident.

- [Tom] I wet 'em.

- I have a power.

This liquid that
he's pumped into me.

- [Mike] Does it
have NutraSweet?

- My brain burns with it.

- Paul Newman's
Sockarooni sauce.

- That thing inside
and I are in touch.

Want me to prove it?

- You can prove nothing.

You're powerless.

- I'll show you
how powerless I am.

- [Tom] Alakazam, huzzah!

Oh, well.

- You.

Behind that door.

- Marilyn Chambers?

(something knocking)

- [Tom] Master locks.

- [Mike] Why, you're a
freak, a super freak.

You're super freaky.

- Let me know if you hear me.

- [Tom] Inka dinka doo!

- Whoever, whatever you are.

- [Mike] Please, I'm a whoever.

- I command you.

(something knocking)
- [Tom] Ow!

- You understand me.

I'm only a head.

♪ That can't say no ♪

- And you are whatever you are.

- [Mike] Well, I'm
more than a head,

I'll tell you that right now.

- Together we're strong.

More powerful than any of them.

- We're part of
the Rhythm Nation.

(something knocking)

- [Tom] (babbling) I'll
start dinner, spaghetti and.

- Back to the unearthly set.

- What are you running
from? What's wrong with you?

- [Mike] Could I
take Friday off?

- It's you.

Something wrong, something
beyond control in that room.

- Shag carpeting?

- Nothing's beyond my control.

She's alive, and
I'll keep her alive

until I find her a body.

- You been hitting
on my chick's head?

- I can't talk
anymore. I'm tired.

I've got to go to sleep.

- And you, you didn't
find her a body?

- Well, I've got to be careful.

I can't afford to be
identified as the last person

seen with a girl
before she disappears.

- [Mike] Smart.

- Do you think you'll get one?

- I'm calling Nicole
Eggert tomorrow.

- [Mike] From "Baywatch".

- There are many things
left for tomorrow.

- [Mike] And with that cryptic
comment, I'm going to bed.

(sensual music)

- [Tom] Morning.

It's a sleazy morning out there.

You're listening to K-PORN,
horns and reeds in the morning.

Sleazy, slutty music
all morning long.

Here's one from Skinny
and the Sweatbabies.

(Tom mimicking horns)

Oh baby.

- Hey, what kind
of town is this?

I wanna move there right now.

- [Mike] No, I'm keeping
my body, thanks anyway.

- [Tom] Whoa, look at that
house. What a fine Cape Cod.

- This block is happening.

- [Tom] A little sick, isn't it?

- [Mike] Faye Dunaway, paydirt.

- [Tom] Well, at least he's
not arousing suspicion.

(Crow laughing)

(laughing) Gee.

- Hey, whoa, whoa,
whoa! Back up!

- I was about to call the cops

the way you were
looking me over.

How have you been, Bill?

- Oh, just fine, Donna.

I haven't seen you
for quite a while.

- Too long.

I'm still waiting for that
call you once promised me.

- You know how it
is with interns.

All work.

- All work and no play even
makes for dull doctors.

You're gonna lose that
bedside manner of yours.

- [Mike] Yeah, right. Would you
mind if I cut your head off?

- How about a little
side course in anatomy?

- Yours? Any time.

- Not mine. A Body
Beautiful contest.

You know, bathing suit models?

Plenty of females on the hook.

- [Tom] (gasping) That's
it! Get in, get in!

- Interested?

- Why not? You're just
what the doctor ordered.

Come on, jump in.

- Oh, you already are
in. You're friendly.

- Uh, on second thought,

I just remembered I've
got to stop by my place

and take care of a few things.

It'll only take a minute.
You don't mind, do you?

- I always follow
the doctor's orders.

Anything you
prescribe, I'll take.

- [Mike] Medical humor.

- That's what I like
about you, Donna.

Always so obliging.

- [Tom] Uh, what's
Millie Helper doing here?

- Hey, Donna, where are you
going? What's the hurry?

- Hi, Jeannie, we're going
to look for some bodies.

- No, shh!

- Got any room for me?

- Oh, sure, plenty.

Bill, this is Jeannie Reynolds.

Jeannie, this is
Dr. Bill Cortner.

- Hi.
- Hello.

- Hop in, but first we
gotta stop off at his place.

- Sure.

- [Mike] Could you
just drop me off

at my Minnie Mouse audition?

- Boy, that high
karate really works.

- [Tom] Hm, no,
neck's too thin. Dang.

- As a matter of
fact, I can wait.

Now that there's two of
you, it will have to wait.

- He thinks there's
safety in numbers.

- Oh, this time there is.

- We promise not to hurt you.

- And I promise not to
hurt you. (laughing)

- [Mike] (laughing) Have
you seen "Frankenhooker"?

- What?
- Huh?

Sounds like there's
a horse in there.

- Hello, hello,
ladies and gentlemen.

Here's a little thing, our lodge
has contributed to it, yes.

- Well, it looks like
we're about ready to go.

Backstage are five of the girls

who have reached
the contest finals.

And we are here to choose
Miss Body Beautiful.

- [Mike] So no goofing off.

- Now, we've eliminated everyone
except the five finalists,

and they will be judged
solely by your applause.

So let's bring them on.

First.

- [Tom] Funnyman Morty Gunty.

- Sharon Appleton.

(audience applauding)

- Miss Chestular Region.

- [Mike] All this can be
yours if the price is right.

- [Tom] He's the
discriminating shopper.

- [Mike] I can't get
attached to the first one.

I've gotta shop.

- Is that all she
does? Make her hop!

- Betty Watson.

- Jane King! Sheila
MacRae! Art Carney!

- Wow, I'll take
Sweden. (purring)

- [Mike] Contestant
number three slipped

and her head fell off!

- [Tom] I'll take
her, I'll take her!

- Terry Lund.

- Obviously someone's sister!

- Crow.
- What?

- [Mike] Lookit,
the Jordanaires.

- Peggy Howard.

- [Tom] That's Jane Russell!

- [Mike] I tried to button the
top two, but I just couldn't.

I hope you don't mind.

- She has strange powers.

- [Tom] Hi!

- The second-nicest
body I've ever seen.

- Second to you?

- No, another girl,
a figure model.

You remember that one
in school years ago,

the one who had the accident.

- She over-tweezed.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Doris, uh.

- Doris Powell.

- Yeah, is she still around?

- Few people see her nowadays.

- Help me! I'm in
another dimension!

- [Mike] Help me, I'm still
here! I can't get out!

(upbeat music)

- [Tom] It's like a
Johnny Hodges siren.

- [Mike] Stay tuned for
the obscene call of the day

on K-PORN.
- K-PORN.

- I built a stairway
to paradise.

- [Mike] Oh God, how long have
I been climbing these stairs?

I'm exhausted.

- Well, no women on the roof.

- [Tom] Oh, I'm in another
dimension again! (babbling)

- [Mike] This must
be Pottersville.

- Say, can you be a little
stiffer and less appealing?

- [Mike] Uncle Fester!

- [Tom] Quick, boys, she
doesn't do this one very often.

- [Mike] Oh yeah.

- Another dimension again!

(all shouting)

- [Mike] Ooh, she's
doing a number four.

- [Tom] Bill, come
on and grab a camera.

There's a whole pile
of them over there.

- Gee, I see Stieglitz and
Ansel Adams and Kenny Rogers?

- [Tom] We're taking
pictures of Betty Rubble.

- [Mike] I just had
a great Kodak moment.

- Okay, boys, I've
had it for tonight.

- Come on, baby, one more.

- Just one more, please.

- Another five minutes, baby.

- Time's just about up anyway.
- Okay.

- [Mike] Um, someone cut
off the bottom of your robe.

- Hey, is that guy
the next model?

I'm not photographing him.

- [Tom] And now Mel
Blanc makes his move.

- You're going out
with me, varmint!

- Hey, Doris, would you like
to have a drink with me?

Just you and me,
away from everybody?

Someplace where
nobody will butt in,

where you and I can
really be alone.

- [Mike] Sure. Police!

- No, thank you.

- How about posing
for me, private-like?

I'll pay you real
money. Real good money.

The kind of money they don't
throw at you every day,

and for doing hardly
nothing at all.

- I do my posing
for classes only,

Wednesdays and
Saturdays, eight to ten.

- I know, but we could-

- Goodnight.

- [Tom] Can I change
it to my radiator? Oh.

- [Mike] I'm gonna have a drink
with James Finlayson, doh.

- Well, after hearing you
say no to his request,

mine's gonna sound really bad.

- See it all, mister?

The show's over.

Next time bring a
camera and buy a ticket.

I'm not running a charity.

- You don't remember
me, do you, Doris?

- [Mike] I'm from
the March of Dimes.

- Every guy on the make gives
me that same tired line.

- I'm Bill Cortner.

- [Tom] I'm a doctor, I'd
like to lop your head off.

- Oh, well that's new.

- Bill Cortner.

Long time ago, that fight.

- The Thrilla in Manila?

- You tore that wise guy
apart for making fun of me.

After my accident.

- Look, uh, can we go
somewhere and talk?

- No.

- I don't date men,
because I pose like I do.

Your mind works overtime.

You get ideas. You're all alike.

- [Tom] Uh, thank you very much.

- Not all of us.

I'm not on the make for you.

- Okay, so maybe you
are better than most.

Maybe not.

I still hate all men.

- Except Donny Most.

- [Mike] He's funny.

- After what one did to me
once. Have you forgotten?

Well, have you?

- [Tom] No, I haven't.

- No, I haven't forgotten.

- Neither have I.

I carry the memory around.

- In a little bag.
You want to see it?

- You can't hide yourself
away here forever,

posing bare in front of
a bunch of neurotics.

- Listen, Galahad. I trusted
a man once, all the way.

- [Mike] Project!

- What did it get me?

He gets his head full of
jealous lies and I get-

- You've got to
forget what happened.

- How can I forget?

- [Tom] You're no
man to me, mister!

- I carry the memory
around with me permanently.

[Mike] It's the last time I
get in a car with Monty Clift,

I'll tell you that.

- [Tom] Mortician's wax.

- Am I so appealing to you now?

Still so interested?

- Look, lady, I got a
girlfriend with her head

in a lasagna pan,
I've seen it all.

- Doesn't it make you sick?

- [Tom] May I play with it?

- You don't even
turn away from me

like everyone else does.

- [Mike] Let's see, I'll
start the incision here.

- You're not ugly.

I see only beauty in you.

You have a lovely
body and a face

that can be made
beautiful again also.

- Who you are is irrelevant.

- I've heard that song before.

- I'm a doctor, I know.

My father is one of the
leading plastic surgeons.

If anyone can help you, we can.

I know I can.

- I've been to
doctors. It's no use.

The scar tissue's too deep.

No one can help me.

- No, that was a few years ago.

Today nothing is hopeless.

- [Tom] Not with radar!

- We can graft scar
and skin tissue.

- [Mike] Pop rivet
new heads right on.

- We can freeze
areas of the skin,

sand away damaged skin tissues.

- We've got little gnomes that
go in and take care of it.

- When you say that,
that look in your eyes,

I almost want to believe you.

I almost want to believe you.

- Well then, start
believing, hm?

- [Tom] That you'll
be decapitated, dear.

- You're ashing on my robe.

- [Mike] How about it? Come on.

You want to believe it,
you want to believe it.

Come on.

♪ There's a place for us ♪

- Even if your
father could help me,

I couldn't pay him the
kind of money it will take.

- Don't talk about money.

He does a lot of work
without any charge.

- What's money? We'll
make our own money.

We can use your scar tissue.

- Why should you want
to do this for me?

What's in it for you?
(Tom laughing)

- I'm gonna make your
face beautiful again.

Cut it off and give
your body away.

(Doris laughing)

- [Mike] I just thought of a
funny Carrot Top bit I saw.

- It's happening again! Ah!

- I have been knocked
around so many times

- [Tom] What's one more?

- I've lost count.

- [Mike] She must've
lived with Ike Turner.

- It's tough, living with this.

I don't mean to
sound ungrateful.

- Because you've been batted
around, don't go sour.

You shouldn't lose
your trust in people.

Not all of us.

- I believe you. I want to.

- And I believe
in Crystal Light.

- You really think
something can be done?

- Only my father knows.

Look, we have a country
place just out of town.

He's visiting for the weekend.

I could take you there
now for consultation.

- [Tom] I've got beer.

- Tonight?

- Well, if you'd rather wait
until he comes back, yes.

- Oh no, no.

I mean, he wouldn't be
annoyed being bothered with me

so late at night.

- Well, you let me
do the worrying, hm?

- I'll do anything that'll
help me get rid of this face.

- [Mike] Oh man.

- Well, that's where I come in.

- [Mike] You are
one sick knob, ugh.

- Where are you going?

Who are you calling?

- My girlfriend.

- [Tom] I'm in another
dimension, whee!

- [Bill] What the
verdict's gonna be?

- The calls are coming
from inside the house!

- You're right.

I shouldn't talk until I
know it's going to happen.

My girlfriend, she's
supposed to drop in later.

I'll have to leave her
a note or something.

- Well, just tell her
you'll see her later.

Otherwise she'll ask a
lot of nosy questions.

We want to be sure first.

Throw something on, huh?

- I'll be with you in a minute.

- [Tom] I hope these beads of
sweat aren't giving me away.

- You know, I'm good at this.

Should've started
killing long ago.

What I could've accomplished.

- Just tell her
you'll keep in touch.

I'll leave it on the
table. She'll see it.

- [Mike] Are you nude?

- [Doris] Had to go out with
old friend Bill Cortner.

Call you tomorrow.

Doris.

- [Tom] That's what I'm
thinking of writing.

What do you think?

- I'll leave it on the lamp.

She'll see it, won't she?

- [Doris] That's the
first place she'll look.

I'll leave the
lights on for her.

- I just put, put
it on the lamp.

She'll see it.

- I have waited
so long for this.

- So have I.

(creature knocking)

- [Mike] What the?

Look. It's getting annoying.

Just stop it, okay?

- Again. Hit it again.

- [All] Harder, harder!

- [Mike] Hit it again, harder!

- I've got to see
your hideousness.

And you've got to see mine.

- And then let's keep in
touch. Don't be a stranger.

- Find out which of
us is more awful.

- [Tom] Well, I'm gonna take
a wild guess and say you.

- Nothing you can be is more
terrible than what I am.

- [Mike] Unless you
were just a toe.

- [Tom] Ooh.

- A head without a body.

- Is like a day
without sunshine.

- A head that should
be in its grave.

- [Mike] All I need
is a kimchi pot.

- I hate him.

I hate him for what
he's done to me.

Can your horror match mine?

- [Tom] We'll find out
on "Match That Horror"!

- Maybe he's just in
there building a shelf.

- [Mike] That was sick.

- So the guy seeks out
the woman with a scar

and begs her to trust
again when all along,

he's planning to take her
head off with a bow saw.

- Yeah, that's about
the size of it.

- So then the
director's whole point,

if I'm not mistaken, is in this
often cold and lonely world,

don't reach out for love
and human understanding

or you'll only become part
of a grisly lab experiment.

- Well, I think you're
selling it short, Mike.

There's also the strong
anti-women message.

- But mostly it is a
celebration of betrayal.

- Oh, right, right.

- But don't lose hope.

- No, no, no.

- You can trust us.

- Yeah. I mean, we don't
know you that well, Mike.

- Well, enough to say
hi in the hallways.

- Right, but you can trust us.

- All the way.

- In fact, why don't you share
something with us right now?

- Ooh, perhaps an
embarrassing moment.

- Oh yeah. A shameful thing
you may have done or said.

- It's up to you, of course.

- You'll feel better.

- Do you think so?

- I know so, Mike.

- Well, there is this time
when I was nine years old

and I went on a walk-a-thon
for some charity.

- Sure you did.

- It was a 21-mile route
from Batavia to St. Charles,

and, uh.
- Go on.

- But it ended up at a
McDonald's and the plan was

I was to call home 'cause
I was still miles away.

And well, I wasn't thinking.

And I, I spent my phone
money on an ice cream cone

from myself and my mom.

And then I was too shy to
ask anyone to use the phone.

So I had to start walking.

- Of course you did.

- And then I stopped
along the way

'cause I had to go
to the bathroom,

but it was at a gas station
and you needed a key

and I was too shy to ask
anyone for the key, and so.

- Yes, Mike?

- Well.

- You wet them,
didn't you, Mike?

- Yeah. So I had to walk eight
miles home with wet pants.

And when I got there,

the ice cream cones were
melted anyway and I cried.

- Oh, oh.

Wow, Mike, that took
courage to tell that story.

- Yes.

- Hey Gypsy, you might
want to grab a rag

in case Old Faithful
here blows again!

- Hey Tom, grab
Rusty Zipper there

and let's get back
into the theater!

(Tom and Crow laughing)

- This isn't gonna be that easy.

- [Tom] Hey, don't
stand under him!

- We'll be right back.

(upbeat music)

- Geez.
- Sorry.

- It's okay.
- Welcome aboard.

- I'll get used to it.
- Let's get going.

- I couldn't fix strudel
'cause you've got the pan.

- I have come to
feed your friend.

- [Tom] Ooh, looks like
someone's copped an attitude.

- You feed yourself with
hate. It prefers food.

- Your formless, sniveling
fear becomes you more.

- [Mike] Do you really think so?

- This experience
has hardened her.

- What makes you think I'm
afraid of what's in there?

- [Tom] Maybe that
stain on your pants.

- Or of you?

A mere head in search of a body?

- [Mike] Was that
a Pirandello play?

- [Tom] I think so.

- People fear what
they don't understand.

And what they can't see.

- What are you talking about?

- [Tom] This is so bogus.

- You're nothing
but a freak of life.

And a freak of death.

- You're just a freak, is all.

- Why should I be afraid
of a few knocks on a door?

- [Mike] I like visitors.

- Last night you ran.

You were afraid of what you
imagined lay behind that door.

- I?

- Moi?

- Imagined?

♪ All the people, living ♪

- It was I who
helped graft together

the bits and pieces that were
stolen from the hospital.

An amputated arm,
a leg, a torso.

It was I who helped
piece them together like-

- [Tom] Whoa, whoa, you're
spitting in her neck juice!

Come on!

- That same medicine
that was fed to me

to activate my lymphoid tissues.

Has he fed it to that?

- No.

- He feeds it Science Diet.

- No, on that he used
an earlier formula.

It wasn't as successful as
the serum he's using on you.

But it was enough to allow
the transplants to take.

- [Mike] He's invented
the run-on sentence.

- [Tom] I'll say he has.

- If your experiment
is successful.

- [Tom] I will rule the world!

- Then it will be my turn.

- And what else
has happened to it?

- What else?

- [Mike] I don't know. Shut up.

- Well, it's mutated
some, of course.

- [Mike] Geez.

- It's changed considerably.

- Why don't you open the door,

and we'll both see
how it's changed?

- Listen, you. I warned you.

You better stop pestering
me, do you hear?

I'm getting fed up with you
and your insidious talk.

- [Tom] Stupid little pan woman.

- He should have cut out your
tongue while he was at it.

- Afraid?

(Crow clucking)

- Afraid of whom? Of you?

- [Mike] This guy should
just finish his rounds.

- No, not any more.

- What of it?

- [Tom] Look, I'm not
opening the door, okay?

- Nor of it.

- I think you are. (clucking)

- [Tom] You know, I keep
expecting Ruth Buzzi

to poke her head through there.

- Oh, that would be terrifying.

- He keeps it locked
in there so that

it'll be safe, that's all.

- Safe?

♪ Lefty won't open the door ♪

- From me? (laughing)

- I'm laughing.

- You beast.

- [Mike] I hope your pan rusts.

- I hope he prolongs
your existence

into a lifetime of agony.

Then we'll see who's
laughing at whom,

you miserable fool!

- [Jan] Get him!

- [Tom] Oh no, White Fang, no!

- Hello hello hello hello.

- [Tom] Not the custard pie, no!

- Get him!

- My arm! No, not that!

- [Tom] Uh-oh.

Ooh, it's Boog Powell!

- Kill him!

- I can't, he's
tearing my arm off!

(Mike whimpering)

- [Tom] Mm, comes off the bone.

- [Mike] I guess you'd call
that a farewell to arms.

- Ooh, zing!
- There you go!

- [Tom] Good one.

- You probably got your
one-arm jokes all ready,

don't you, Jan?

- [Mike] Oh, this
is just perfect.

What next? The car won't start?

- Well, he should
just pull his real arm

out from under his jacket.

- [Tom] Oh, that hurt,
oh! That stings, oh geez!

- [Mike] Now he's gonna fall
into a pan of lemon juice.

- [Tom] Stupid.

- Oops, I stubbed my toe, oh!

- [Mike] Hm, I feel empty.

- Looks like the "Father
Knows Best" house.

- [Tom] Yeah, except
for the blood.

- [Mike] Bud, Princess, help me!

- [Tom] So now he's
gonna write "Piggy"

on the wall with his stub.

- Oh, I was gonna carve those
jade figurines tonight, too.

- [Mike] Hi.

- [Tom] I won that round.
Advantage, Jan in the Pan.

(Jan laughing)

- How am I ever gonna
tell fish stories?

- [Tom] Oh no.

- [Mike] Ironically, he
collapses into an armchair.

(Tom and Crow laughing)

- [Tom] She laughs too hard,

she's gonna pop out
of her brackets.

- [Mike] Find it.
It's gut check time.

- So much for my work
with Semaphore flags.

- [Tom] Mitchell!

- [Mike] This jacket was a
Burberry, I'll have you know.

- Doh! I think we need to talk.

- [Mike] Geez, Edmund
Keane didn't have

death scenes like this.

- [Tom] Move it along, come on.

Women without bodies who
hate men without arms

and the men, uh, you
know what I mean.

- So you gonna change my
neck juice now or what?

- [Tom] "The Ropers",
the final episode.

- [Mike] The money's
in the... (gasping)

- Well, this is my
headquarters. (chuckling)

- [Tom] This is my hindquarters.

- You and your father live here?

- Only on weekends when we
want to get away from the city.

- The place certainly is lonely.

- Well, the further from
prying eyes, the better.

- [Tom] But on weekends, wow!

- It's nice and quiet here.

We can get away from the
noise and telephones.

- I guess it is.

- Well, sit down, sit down.
I'll fix us a drink, huh?

- [Mike] Sit right in
that puddle of blood.

- My father should be back soon.

- You mean he's not here now?

- Oh, come on now, Doris.

Do I look like a maniac who
goes around killing girls?

Why, you've got to
learn to trust people.

People like me, really.

- I'm sorry. I trust you.

- [Tom] Now can I take your
head? Coat, coat, coat!

- Well, I can't ask
for any more than that.

- [Mike] You sleazy, you know,

I don't like this guy anymore.

That's it.

- I'll be right back.

- With a Milwaukee Sawzall.

- [Tom] Lucy, I'm
home! Lucy, oh my God!

- [Mike] I've gotta
keep still, don't move.

- Oh, good one, Kurt.

- [Tom] Kurt, remind me again.

Why did I hire you? Geez.

(Crow tutting)

- [Mike] Well, this is
coming out of your paycheck.

That's it.

- Six weeks without a
shop accident, now this.

- [Tom] Young lady,
you are grounded.

- [Mike] I am putting the
cover on you, young lady.

- [Tom] Check for fingerprints.

- I'm impressed, but how?

- [Mike] When I get
that body on you,

we're gonna make sweet love.

♪ You don't bring me torsos ♪

- Oh, we'll get you out
of the traffic lane.

- [Mike] There you go.
You're just overtired, Kurt.

(suspenseful piano music)

- What, did Van
Cliburn just walk in?

(upbeat music)

- Oh God, I'm in
another dimension again!

- [Tom] Oh please,
help me, help, help!

Hey, at least there's some
cocktails in this dimension.

- Thank you.

♪ Won't you fly
in my beautiful ♪

Hey, Fifth Dimension. How
appropriate. (laughing)

- [Tom] From Hollywood's
Pantages Theatre.

- [Mike] Wow. That
was my longest trip
to another dimension.

- [Tom] You don't get any.

- [Mike] Geez. Did you fall in?

(Doris gasping)

- I was beginning to think
you'd forgotten about me.

- Forgotten you?

Why, Doris, you've become
very important to me.

Very important.

I put a little water in it

so it wouldn't be
too strong for you.

- Fine. I'm not a
very heavy drinker.

- Neither am I.

- Should I be drinking
before my surgery?

- Well, here's to your
future, whatever it may be.

- I'll drink to that.

- [Tom] Although it was an
odd, ambiguous thing to say.

- You know, this
guy's kind of evil?

- Hm, yeah.
- Yeah.

- [Mike] Well, let's
drink them in silence.

- [Tom] Power drinking.

- Ah, wildly
fluctuating nothing.

- [Tom] I wonder if he'd set me

on the front porch for a while.

- [Mike] So my father
was in the army,

so we moved around a lot.

I didn't fit in
with any one group.

I pretty much got
along with everybody.

- I'm not feeling too good.

I feel the trust and
hope draining out of me.

(sensual music)

- [Tom] Time for "Sleaze through
the Night" here on K-PORN.

- It's getting
awfully warm in here.

- [Mike] Geez, I invite you over

and all you can do is complain.

- [Tom] Oh, gloves.

- God, how long does
it take? Come on!

- [Tom] While she's passing
out, he could be downstairs,

mopping up blood or something.

- I feel kind of funny.

- [Mike] Should I
start stripping now?

(Tom imitating horns)

- I love this place!

- Sorry.
- That's okay.

- Bill.

You put something in my drink.

- [Tom] Oh honey,
it's just Snapple.

- Didn't you?

- [Mike] Was it grenadine?
I love grenadine.

- My mother gave me that glass.
It was a family heirloom.

Direction.
- Yeah, I wouldn't.

- [Tom] There's a good grab.

A souvenir for some lucky fella.

- [Tom] It's your new body!

(Crow mimicking cheering crowd)

- [Mike] Anyway, I kind
of live out of my lab.

Ah, just throw that
stuff over there.

- [Tom] Don't mind the blood.

- I told you I'd
bring you a body.

A beautiful one.

- She's too hippy.
She's got big calves.

- Soon, it will be yours.

- [Jan] Bill, you can't!

- Yes I can.

I want you as a complete
woman, not part of one.

- [Mike] Well, enough
yapping. I better get at it.

- Is it a crime to
want to keep you alive?

Is it a crime for science
to jump ahead by years?

- Here, keep yourself
busy with that.

- This kind of
thing must be done.

When it's over, you'll see.

- [Mike] Look, in a week,
we'll be laughing about this.

- I've got to hurry now.

The drug will wear off
soon, she'll be awake.

When she does come to.

- She's going to blow her top.

- It will be your head
consciously awakening for her.

- [Tom] Well, for
you, more like.

- First, how 'bout
a Pop-Tart, huh?

- [Tom] You're telling me
you could say no to those?

- [Mike] I like 'em.

Put a Libbyland dinner
in here. It saves time.

- I wish my assistant hadn't
had his arms pulled off.

Things would move a lot faster.

- [Mike] I got some Wartex here.

I hope it works
on the whole head.

- You, you must be stopped.

- [Tom] Like a microwave
Brenda Vaccaro.

- You must.

- And who's going to do it?

- Super Skull gonna
jump out and bite me?

- You can't stop me.

- [Bill] Very well.

- Ah, thank you!
- Thank you!

- [Mike] Patty Hearst.

- [Tom] I think I'll
shoot a little pool first.

(Crow mimicking muffled speech)

(creature knocking)

- [Tom] Points of Law!

(creature knocking)

- [Mike] Look, you were
just out an hour ago.

- Fine, fine.

I'll just do my
little operation later

because the thing in the
closet has gotta go out.

- [Tom] Now, this could be
the single stupidest thing

that clown has ever
done in his life.

And he's done some
pretty stupid things.

- [Mike] (humming) Well,
there seems to be no need

to move away from this door.

I can see no reason
at all in the world

why I shouldn't just stand
right here in front of, oh!

- You have a kind face.

- [Tom] Should've
used stronger bolts.

Pat Summerall, you betrayed me!

- [Mike] Ooh, Boo Radley.

- I think he's more horrible.

- [Tom] I still
go with the head.

Mike, how about you?

- [Mike] Um, I don't know.

- [Tom] You don't
have to choose.

- This is why I'm under lock
and key. I can't be trusted.

- [Tom] Especially
good neck juice today.

- [Mike] Look, you
know your business,

but if you just move the
door, you could kill me.

- Does this bug you,
does this bug you?

(Bill screaming)

- [Tom] There, you see?
Now you're free to kill me.

You can even use the
door if you want.

- [Mike] Having no
hands really bites.

- Marble edges light quickly.

(suspenseful music)

- [Mike] Hey, come here.
Buddy, I'll book you in Iowa.

Come here.

- [Mike] Ew.

- [Tom] I thought that
would taste better.

- [Mike] That is one
bad McNugget. Ugh.

- [Tom] Can I have that back?
I kinda need it, it's my neck.

- He's got his
lounging jammies on.

- [Tom] Help, I'm in
another dimension, help.

Help?

- [Mike] Look at that. The
mask is just tied in the back.

- [Tom] It's nothing we
haven't seen before, Mike.

- He's got a soggy butt.

- [Tom] Hey, pal, what about me?

Your friend, the head, remember?

Oh, you jerk.

- I told you to let me die.

- Men just never listen.

(Jan laughing)

- [Mike] Oh, I get it.

It was a comedy.

- [Tom] Always leave
'em laughing. (laughing)

- [Mike] Let's get outta here.

- No, they mean the brain
that wouldn't die. The end.

- So you guys, we watched the
cheesy movie and now what?

We just stand around
being depressed?

- Heck no.

Now's the time we usually open
up a big batch of letters.

- Yeah, Mike, the love and
affection of the viewers

will automatically make
you feel much better.

Dig deep in that pile.

- None of these are for me.

- Oh.

- Hey, someone's
calling on the Hexfield!

- Thank goodness.

- Oh, hey everyone!

It's Jan from
today's experiment!

Geez, we thought you had
perished in that fire.

- Oh, I haven't, no.

I survived that ordeal
and many others too.

Hey, I just wanted to call
you a nice young gentlemen

and tell you I'm
feeling much better now.

I didn't want you to worry.

- [Mike] Oh, so you're
not into that whole

"Let me die, please let
me die" thing any more?

- Oh, of course not.

That was just a phase
I was going through.

You know, when my head
was first lopped off it,

it was kind of a
difficult time for me.

- [Crow] Yeah, you must have
really gone to your head.

- [Mike] Hey, Crow,
that's not nice.

- Oh, that's okay.

Believe you me, I have
heard it all before.

Those jokes usually leave
me rolling in the aisle.

Literally!

(all laughing)

- [Mike] So what have you
been up to all these years?

- Well, at first it was
kind of hard to find work,

as you can well imagine.

Then I finally got
a job as a doorstop.

It doesn't pay much,

but at least I've
regained my self-respect.

- [Tom] So do you get out much?

- Oh, you bet.

I love to go out to eat.

Hey, I can eat all
the cheesecake I want,

it goes straight to
my hips but who cares?

(all laughing)

And I love parties.

You know, after I've had
a couple of drinks in me,

my Jeffrey says I'm the
mouth that wouldn't die.

(all laughing)

- [Crow] Oh, so you're married.

- Oh yes. Jeff and
I are so happy.

He even bought me this new pan.

I guess you could
say our relationship

has really panned out.

(all laughing)

- [Mike] It's great that you
got a sense of humor about it.

And so I want to ask when
you were in that fire,

did you make your own gravy?

- So what are you saying?

- [Mike] Well, it
was just a joke.

- Well, I fail to see the humor.

Well, I guess I better be going.

- Oh, good one, Mike.

- You know, guys,
the whole situation,

being stuck up here in space,
forced to watch cheesy movies,

interacting with
other life forms,

it kinda bites.

- You're starting to
catch on, Kemosabe.

What do you think, sirs?

- Hmm, a head in a pan. What
a fabulous idea. (laughing)

- Well, sir, should I
file the experiment?

Oh well, here we go again.

(chainsaw whirring)

(sweeping music)

- Who's to tell me to
blow if I don't want to?

- [Announcer] This has
been a presentation

from Comedy Central.