Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 6, Episode 12 - Mitchell - full transcript

in the not too distant future

next sunday

there was a guy named joel

not too different from you on me

he

worked institute

he did a good job cleaning up the places

[Music]

can't

[Music]

robot friends

robots

[Music]

it's just the show

[Music]

[Music]

hi everybody welcome to the satellite

love i'm joel robinson oh look here

comes uh tom servil crote robot hello

evening hey come on up here you guys i

want to show you this toothpick

sculpture i've been working on for the

last three years been working three

years on that

well yeah on nights and weekends not

very good uh i mean uh what is it it's a

scale reproduction model of monticello

rendered in toothpick i got the idea off

the nickel see it's beautiful where'd

you get all the toothpicks what are you

kidding we're on a spaceship this place

is crawling with toothpicks well it

really is cool joel of course you know

we'll have to break it it's nothing

personal you understand it's just a

thing we have to do yeah okay

sure go ahead that's why i made it smash

away no no no joel you're ruining it for

me yeah i'd feel dirty commercial sign

in five seconds

sure seems like a waste it being all

tooth picky and fragile and all

commercial sign now i'm just gonna leave

it here

unattended

to dry

now

we'll be right back

[Music]

so how was it for you

well as far as breaking stuff goes it

was good

not great yeah not as good as that

ceramic bell collection

oh millivitz and associates are calling

okay and this

oh let me see oh

that's my old head

just file that under frank's first head

okay right

oh hi joel uh look we're way too busy to

even do an invention this week we're

being audited you go right ahead though

it's a doctory stool what do you think

sirs

doc tarry stool

whatever anyway joel it's a madhouse

down here we're being audited by the

fraternal order of mad science you know

one of those are you really mad enough

sort of things frank

three jarvik sevens

put him in the junk drawer geez didn't

the temp agency test you on any of this

stuff well i'm a little off my game i'm

not normally required to wear a

leg iron like this

say what is the deal with this guy and

those cute robots listen mr 4.25 cents

an hour you stick with the boxes and

i'll handle the experiment is that all

right with you

frank can i see you a minute sure thing

dr f say steve this temp stuff is

working out great don't you think well

i'm so glad your little friend is

working out so nicely frank now what

about sending joe the movie a boob oh

the movie the movie

oh frank look remember the double butt

graft my science project from evil oats

i grafted the butt of a dog under the

butt of a cat

sure they all laugh dr f the movie the

movie oh right uh

here it is mitchell starring joe don

baker you guys watch joedon baker movies

oh look just get back to work temp boy

well here it comes joel mitchell it's a

super secret spy

has a motorcycle marooned in space

meets hercules or

not watch it and weep joel prall mall

send him the movie frank

frank

the movie

i like the way

[Applause]

hey look a sex film

mittens an action film called mittens

joe don baker is mittens he's a cop

mithril oh wait it's mitchell oh the

martha mitchell story joe dawnbaker is

martha mitchell

it's bigfoot

who's the puffy guy who's the big blurry

sex machine mitchell that mitchell is

one fan

talking about mitchell looks like

grendel

hey linda evans how was her priyani days

before her face was pulled taut it's

kind of like a slow-motion sneeze

yeah here's your loser actor bouquet

any movie with waka jawaka in it is okay

by me

never corner of mitchell see how he

reacts

looks like he's doing a nixon it's like

a middle-aged chucky he looks like the

wrathful buddha looks like the moon in a

trip to the moon

man i can't get my arms down

now he looks like a smallmouth bass

now he looks like he's in a wind tunnel

um

maybe he's doing tai chi or speed

[Music]

mitchell's on the corner

[Applause]

[Music]

mitchell

[Music]

watch out for snakes

we've hidden a mitchell somewhere in

this picture mitchell will you stand up

please

the lunatic is on the grass

[Laughter]

johnny nash breaks into a suburban home

mitchell

hey it's one of the kids from fame which

one any of them

johnny mathis it's not for me to say

the green hornet

this little thing she can't be more than

16. every time she gives me a manicure

she tells me she's having a different

affair and she tells me everything i

mean all the real hot and juicy details

i can't even keep my fingers still

must be a faculty meeting

i'm thinking

ah it's open

looks like he's breaking out of his

house

al noga nope still johnny mathis oh

oh yeah close it and lock it you don't

want anyone coming in

dr detroit with songs by devo cutting

crew and haircut 100.

i say to myself it's wonderful

a picture of mcconnelly oh no not the

limited edition star trek collector

plates

hey

lucas mccain lives here

they're on a collision course to

wackiness

all right last call drink him up

let's not talk okay

hey oh a gold star

move it along please

should i tell her

[Music]

ladies you know where everything is

i want you to exercise the bottomless

resources of your imagination uh can i

have a lamp

surprise me

the way you always do

come on down let's get some juice fresh

panties all around

might be able to kiss her tonight you

know

the hell does he think i am an acrobat

and she's an acrobat ted

[Music]

santa

wait a minute i think maybe the snoop

sisters are in there

i'm going to get a series before stuart

margolin

[Music]

johnny mathis all right get my gun

well you know it's not often you see

johnny mathis in the wild

[Music]

don't shoot me the burglar

so are we gonna play bridgette

uh hello this is carlton your doorman

cedar lattice works every time

chances are huh

[Music]

if that's john saxon i'm dead

sonny are we like bates

we're closed

maybe i should get back to work

hey

what

oh

meanwhile on an atom 12 episode not far

away

3x 85 a possible tv at 1020 mapleton

drive investigate our hero ladies and

gentlemen right there 22 can you give me

a picture of mapleton

beverly glen this is 22. you've got it

all right

just five more minutes

[Music]

mitchell honey we're home put your shoes

on

well private enterprise beat us to it

huh

hello public sector hey what do you say

jimmy lord tom where's the body in the

den we paused around here no that's okay

thanks we'll take off then it's all

yours sure

ah rent-a-cops private enterprise why

don't you go back to the mall are you

coming michael

yeah

you got any moist towelettes rags toilet

paper or something

come on mister two years for my shide

come on

i'm all in the office to just come this

way

looks like one of those wet bags hey

you all pulled a gun from my gun right

fortunately i got another gun sooner oh

smart

he grabbed that coat

i had no choice i had to shoot him

well you're rich and white i don't see a

problem with it

[Music]

a pretty clean job

[Music]

come on it's fun

you got a sofa i could stretch out on

for a little while

oh there's a body

hey here watch what happens when i step

on his abdomen

i think he's gonna need a bigger body

bag than that

all those guns loaded

some of them

not only sure which they're randomly

loaded it's a little game i play

all your guests loaded

[Music]

the guests are leaving party's over it's

time to call it a day

anybody thought i could leave

i did

there's a police investigation going on

here oh there is i thought there was

just a big slob walking around my house

where is it john i'm gonna flush this

my guest has to be at his desk at eight

in the morning he's an important person

the secretary will give you their names

and addresses and disavow any knowledge

of their actions

man he's good

mitchell pardon me mitchell

hey can i have a scotch

what's your name

mitchell why watch yours we'll find him

wherever he is

raise alex will you he's talking to

commissioner gordon and get hold of the

strata

tell him to talk to galano

okay sleeve leg 34 36 inch out seam and

a 32 engine scene okay

orson bean he's a cop

told miss strata to talk to glano i

think

what

[Music]

people don't like you

in fact i don't care for you myself why

is that perhaps our brief but bitter

affair you refuse to sign this report

why

i'm still on the first question

what kind of a policeman are you anyway

what are you gonna do file a separate

report

i don't know what do you know uh i don't

know none of dini's other guns were

loaded

now the collections weigh a pound the

wall the burglary only looks to be about

five fours oh so what does that prove

his line he's not gonna get away with it

oh come over there

you're gonna get me mad michelle and

when that happens i wouldn't want to be

in your shoes now get out

mitchell's a sensible cop the orange

he's gonna sign them for you and

remember don't you dare go near deanie

you forget about him

they arrested harold allison good

come in mitchell take a seat

mom said no huh uh so you come to me the

nice cop

what he sounds and smells like william

conrad keith powell has ordered the

surveillance of a man called james

arthur cummings james arthur coming yeah

you heard him no it's a 24-hour

surveillance and i want you to stay with

him so hey you bug him enough that he

cracks or b

he comes up with some kind of statement

or incriminates himself

concerning a crime in mexico or c you'll

get drunk and pass out again

you get nobody

huh nobody

what i do for sleeping how about eating

nothing's gonna happen in the middle of

the night oh i don't wanna eat six hours

shut eye from midnight to six a.m but

eating now mitchell

those are palin's orders i'm hungry

you want to call him

see ty's like he'll take you to cummins

place

import export of stolen merchandise that

is cummings big scene this week it's a

big heroine hijack comes out of mexico

on kilo full key loader that's 2 million

bucks

maybe palin's idea of a joke but leaning

on cummings is no joke my friend no one

leans on cummings because he stamps on

people and he's got a big shoe let me

ask you something there yeah

if allen gave you this job elena known

cummins would you say he's giving you a

good assignment oh don't suck and say

that he was quietly shipping you out of

the way

well i'll get on both deanie and

cummings no way

you don't get neither here's what pollen

thinks right right

wrong excuse me i don't feel good at all

hey man thanks for driving me to my car

nice to have it pre-parked at the

stakeout see ya

don't be discouraged the man oh don't do

that

[Applause]

mitchell

handicapped

boyfriend's really gonna be mad i'm

drunk again

stop her my heart will explode come in

uh mitchell police department but if

it's not due to january son i'm mr

cummings i get appointments on heavy

chief give me a ring

no salesman at this entrance but i'm not

a salesman i'm the chubby blue line

[Music]

as an actor merlin olsen hadn't found

his instrument yet

[Music]

think there's a potato cake in here or

something

he seems down i'll send him a pick me up

okay

somewhere an indian is crying

oh i'm gonna call ladybird johnson

all right now what do you want i got

some questions no questions man what do

you know about a man named estrella and

some heroin hijacked down in mexico

heroin yeah quarterback of mexico about

a kilos truck ambushed hijacked you know

look mitchell i'm king hussein this is

los angeles california i don't know

anything about heroin or somebody's got

his wires crossed oh we're not in new

york

well i've been told to watch you mr

cummings so i guess that's what i'm

going to do can i give you some advice

then

oh yes sir

watch out for falling rocks

oh okay so you uh got any burgers or

something in there

man i'm constantly confused

watch out for fallen rocks huh

stupid

and that was the midnight edition of the

news on

hey crow radio

good night john boy

fallen rocks i just don't get it

lights your lights

miss him

well almost time for silk stalkings

hi larry i love your show

comments give me a mistreater

what's this about a load of merchandise

i'm supposed to be shipping in

cops sitting on me they tell me this and

i don't know it again

wearing what

is it sheer get over here and don't

argue with me

not that quickly

[Applause]

oh no it's candy hmm

just drive around the block

hi dad

loved you in the taking of pelham one

two three

hey you want the radio king biscuit

flower hours on

what's bugging you

listen you punk for the future next time

you start something you tell me before

you started not afterwards

shift the dope someplace else i got this

cop in my chair it's just that mitchell

guy

he found the water coming

what's on the water smoke merchandise

it's not coming through my facilities

you can't go nowhere else

why not

why not

because that's the way mr gallano wants

it

because maybe it's in san diego now or

tomorrow it's too late look at

applebee's huh well if it comes through

san pedro

i'm not going to touch it understand i

will not touch it

oh

you are not in a position to say such

things you can't handle the truth before

you open your big mouth again you better

think of mr galano

you know this might be the wrong ride

are you steve

i said boy

let's go do that little um

edition

[Music]

okay now you guys we got about three

minutes before we do back in the theater

so we got to do this outward bound

experience tooth sweet okay servo you

know the drill roger joel lowers us into

the refuse trench and we have but 90

seconds to field strip ourselves and

reassemble ourselves while dangling by

our popos in the stinky darkness ready

mm-hmm commando crow you ready

rose frosting you can't be careful don't

worry ma'am we'll bring him back a lot

let's go action jackson

see you later

oh

oh

oh the light dog guys

guys

oh hey the uh evil underpants hey guys

oh oh oh sirs don't worry doctor i knew

when we brought him on we'd have to

eliminate him that's half the fun yes

frank but how these things must be done

delicately

after all he knew going in that this was

only a

temporary situation yes and now i want

this temporary situation taken care of

permanently

[Laughter]

are we talking about the same thing

he's been a canker sore on my gum line

for too long the way he struts around

like he owns the place paw

let's use method number 53. hmm

yes elegant

painful

and leaves nothing behind with the great

smell of brute

[Laughter]

let's do it now no no patience my little

henchman let's wait until after the

experiment that's brilliant to make him

work for it and then and then our little

jumpsuited fool will be history

[Laughter]

get back to work

jumpsuit

they're going to kill joel they're going

to kill joe they're going to kill joe

hell what do i do what do i do i got to

get them out of here they're going to

kill him

easy girl take it easy calm down breathe

through your nose

oh here we go that does it easy does it

okay

okay

okay

okay

okay

okay

they're going to kill you

[Music]

24-17 hours i'm at the deeney residence

i'm putting my gun in the glove

compartment and locking it i just had a

french tip 55 what's that supposed to be

55.

if i'm shot in the next couple of hours

i was unarmed when it happened

lock it 55 out

man speaking of logging it i better find

a bush around here

mitchell

mitch

mitchell

mitchell

mitchell

mitchell

[Music]

hey hi mitchell go about your business

[Music]

oh honey mitchell's here

oh whoa is that a beer

beat on my chest my hand's tingling

oh shoot a door i didn't plan on this

oh man i love this i got soap i got dog

poopy

this week's practical joke the victim

john saxon

[Music]

oh man if i could just sit on a lawn

chair for five minutes that's all i need

what a clean garage no bikes sleds or

oil spots

do you know who did it have you figured

it out yet

[Music]

mitchell do you want to come in

[Music]

[Music]

liquid metal

reynolds wrap keeps freshness in can't

keep mitchell out

[Music]

well that's my plan

i smell crab dip

no mac why would he be collecting melmac

an empty plate breaks my heart

keith herring was here

oh yeah

try for a quick 40 winks here

[Music]

that means the victim was jack valente

what are you doing mitchell

[Music]

why are they playing nadia's theme

[Music]

of reach

just browsing

booger

mitchell

mitchell dry

on the sandwich mitchell hearts pounding

mitchell payne's clogging mitchell

oh man this is hard to do after six sour

cream burritos

[Music]

the cloistered life is not from me

would you give me that it's fish

we can't name a series after you sorry

hey tomorrow yeah he looks like a guy

from a dave burke

what in the hell are you up to danny and

what'd i tell you i told you to forget

dean do you know who he is yeah he's a

trade union lawyer and i gave you a

direct order forget it now why'd i give

you that order and none of that i don't

know i'm going to tell you why every

federal law violation is considered

against his trade union

they've been working on this thing for

over two years in the meantime you get

back out there on cummins and you stay

with them steaming is fbi property

right

yeah find my upper lip while you're out

there

a little peek into mitchell's life

damn it's almost time for bozo

yeah go for the gusto mitchell

is that you mom

oh derek

i mean your friend well linda evans

actually

i'm selling yanny tapes

uh just gotta just marasco here

hmm

where's john derek should we set another

place for him

so do you work at a petting zoo

uncle faster

[Music]

you like them half empty some of them

got cigarettes in them

this is so embarrassing he's playing a

kataro album

uh sorry about the porn there's a

kilgore trout piece in there

i wouldn't sit there other side please

oh there's some chips under the cushion

help yourself

don't you think i'm as good as anything

here

well uh you got an airbrush on you

you've got me wrong i'd like a glass

huh

okay your majesty

i got these at conico they got dick

buckets on them

phew

you wanna tell them

no i'll use the curtains you want to

lick it off absolutely not

well she was gonna smell like beer

sooner or later

sorry the beer got a little excited

that's okay we can just cuddle what

what oh

geez

sorry i'm a really unappealing woman

so more beer

[Music]

it's bugs him alone

that's great

what was that

oh they're taking the boys to play group

nice cap

mobsters laughing really smiling a man

selling heroin

uh the spotted cuckoo bird is flying

backwards it's a cold day for

pontooning mr galano not rappaport

last night i had to come to my home

salvador instead of my cousin because

i'm italian you know it's against you

did i tell you i'm italian let me

restate that who convinced you to

finance that hijacked

you know if you want drugs you can groan

your combined yeah where's ruth buzzy

stealing it's greedy

may i remind you of something i'm from

italy sure

in august to 1963

you me and some others we had a very

fine meeting he was hastily put together

wasn't he in which we allowed you

influence in this area

in exchange for certain assignments to

be handled by you so

that was very generous yes we

fair enough

now it's your turn to be a what are you

can be taking delivery of salvador's

shipments through your contacts at the

port okay i am not bringing that

shipment in and that is fine

shipments in

yup well time for my step aerobics class

hey boss you really did great your

personal skills are something

hold it in

hold it in

i'm almost anthony quinn

was merlin ever in the dave clark five

it was a big time when big men drove

nothing but huge ford cars

see

honey i'm home had that meeting with the

gangster

[Applause]

mitchell is one of the great followers

mitchell i made a decision about you i

got a lot of things in my mind at the

moment now you're getting too heavy to

carry i'm sorry you feel that way mr

cummings yes i do

are you gonna get lost or not well i'd

like to but there are some questions

that you're saying no i'm saying no

thought i'd give you the chance

oh that was sweet he didn't have to do

that thanks

uh say boss do you think mitchell likes

me shut up and drive

is your friend ready yes sir

he's ready who rosie grier

this is what i'll remember when i think

of the movie mitchell and i will think

of it

a way to lost him oh nope there he is

mitchell even his name says is that a

beer

you know they're easy to follow when

they use their turn signal

man why don't they just tie their

bumpers together

no it's not an official chase scene

without the walk at your walker yeah

hot merging action

[Music]

oh goodness they merged successfully my

heart was in my throat

[Music]

geez these guys couldn't shake a trolley

this makes driving miss daisy look like

bullet

next week on mitchell the cloverleaf

and today 3m is a vibrant company

combining innovation effective risk

management and marketing 3m

oh boy they're traveling at speeds of up

to 25 miles per hour i've seen faster

funeral processions

the only really exciting thing is that

vanishing point is being filmed on the

other side of the canyon

oh this is nice they're using the light

rack for the chase scene rather than the

grunge sounds

oh finally the chase scenes pace car

yes the lincoln continental perfect for

off-road excitement

i can't shake him boss uh here i'll

likely touch the brake and accelerate

hey get out of our chase scene

the vicious mustang calls the weak ones

from the herd

hey you mitchell can i not have your

autograph

well so passive you're gonna come on

excuse me man cut in may i have this

chase

uh do you have any facial expressions

this is fun

larry miller

so why does it keep downshifting with an

automatic

[Music]

yeah as a matter of fact i do own the

road

hey the headlight fixed itself

hey it's mitchell

[Music]

your thing is dragging

[Music]

mitchell

miller

i know a little shortcut down

mitchell

[Music]

oh shouldn't we exchange information

[Music]

oh that shook up the beers pretty bad

hey cut out that rockford music i'm

mitchell

mitchell

hey it's a booze pool i'll have a vodka

chlorine please

yeah

rudy

i got pressure who's pushing the

stretter the shredder you can handle

them well there are problems

unless of course he's backed by galano

you got it

what the hell are you calling me for

well i'll tell you it's about a little

discussion between me and mistreater

comments

do you want to get the same answer off

any of the boys

if gallant is involved or i'm struggling

i don't want any part of it

was mistreated

this is all going to blow up pretty soon

and when it does

who we got on our side ghostbusters if

he's still around he's not on our side

sir

yes he is

i'm no good to him dead

[Music]

o e p

e o p

o e

um working like a dog

got to think how to get joel off this

ship how to get joel off

charter flight no

how how how to get joe off this ship but

boy i'm frustrated well back at it throw

it no

hey gypsy working on a project huh have

you seen my inside the pga around here

anywhere no joel i haven't seen your

magazine anywhere oh it's got this great

article on fuzzy zoeller

with your imminent death and had to get

back to earth like pronto how would you

do it

oh come on i never leave you but joel

you're imminent death gypsy honey i

could never leave you it's all for one

and one for all that's the robinson way

oh no

fuzzy zeller what a great guy

oh i can't tell joel he would never

leave

i'm alone with my heavy burden

on we

wait i've got tom and crow to help me

i'm sure in a pinch i can depend on them

to be serious and calm and intelligent

yeah okay what's next what's next okay

hard castle mccormack okay red driving

like the demon that drives your tree

yeah that's it

hey what you doing gyps this is very

very very important this is the guitar

can you two keep a secret no never could

never will gypsy

okay crow how about bonanza including

the words oh okay

it's all right about pick a little fight

oh i'm being tested

who is testing gypsy hello

well i will prevail because i am good

and the man's our eagle

[ __ ]

oh you guys got movie like

[Applause]

they want to do something later maybe

you got the correct time

yeah ten two ten to your own damn

business 10 to 12.

noon or midnight that guy coming sure

gets around

sir some schedule he's got little holmen

still bothering me nestor the entire

social type huh

private type

and you should let other people have

their privacy

my face hurts

what was that all about

ah daryl gates on his day off hey i'm

putting here

he's landed just short of the green

oh no mr trevino's been hit again

isn't that cute he's trying to tell us

something

can we play through we got a head back

here

i gotta go call

well that merlin is lost without a map

[Music]

don't laugh you're only encouraging him

mitchell oh

[Music]

the new chrysler fury okay are the

things it's a house

i can't believe it i'm in trouble for

killing a civilian but your job was

coming i've been busy oh really hey is

that guy with the leg wounds he talks

yet nope

you may be facing a disciplinary charge

for shooting hey what the hell you

wanted him for two weeks nobel that's

how you got him i didn't expect you to

shoot him

oh you're asking that albridge i thought

i had authority over him you shouldn't

have blown your cover like that i'll go

phone headquarters

pass the potatoes the peas the butter

the peas the pie the butter

i'm glad you're not ashamed and that's

your trouble yeah trouble uh pass the

gravy and the stuffing

oh that's one of mine yeah

this is the part of being a henchman i

hate

can i tempt you with some dessert

i don't think benton likes you

uh can we get more volume on that jacket

please

that's your trouble not so many people

like you

you gotta cultivate people go out to

them win their confidence you never know

when they're gonna come in useful and

you gotta be nice to them oh nice more

butter please

what about the heroine mr cummings

forget the heroin that's for dessert ask

about the heroin over the soup that's

your trouble you're impatient you went

up that guy's if he's going to give you

some harm i want to find out who he was

well ask him don't shoot him was he well

i didn't ask him i shot him

uh booker get booker booker's a good cop

booker

who's got the book

the double c edmundo

or a business dinner

we might talk business later i'm gonna

have some more superman uh there is no

more soup sir

no i sense he's lying but why would he

lie about it in my own house no more

soup

my dinner with mitchell

that's the first piece of information

you come up with mr cummings how about

letting us in on some

what are you doing with those steaks

you're growing them

you can't grow steaks

oh wait i want that bone

marrow oh boom mike big time do you want

to take all night feeling that orange

well i thought maybe we might talk about

the shipment

would you just give me that orange

i have a new friend

uh hey i put a couple of rolls in my

pocket is that okay

[Music]

but what i want to know is the coffee's

cold benton you're a lousy butler i am

not allowed to try lousy butler i am not

i say you're a lousy brother the coffee

is called well i think i gotta go it's

the servant by harold pinter

oh look you made mitchell leave

[Applause]

oh man i'm so hungry only two steaks for

dinner didn't get to finish my orange

all the frozen yogurt places were closed

um

a big buttery moon up there sidewalk

kind of looks like ice cream if you

squint hard

stairs look like cake

mitchells legions and fans show up at

any time of the day or night

well this will be okay i don't see oh

[Applause]

jeez those jehovah witnesses are getting

tough whoa

oh you know they're going to end up with

mitchell's dinner all over them

oh ho wait hold it a little piece of

bacon

you know is it wrong for me to want to

see this

oh right in the tenderloin steak region

oh sorry bud we thought you were

rockford

i think this is rice oh no it's not

well oh mitchell sure got himself hog

tiger railroad in there

[Music]

oh he's alone reading a comic book under

there

[Music]

oh how i long for the burning bed right

now

i got a lot of junk around here

well oh my my mom mitchell

what would you why would anyone want to

do this with mitchell joel

[Music]

hey watch this and learn this in college

[Music]

my god

um how about some bto

he went through that tuesday and i still

don't have any tic tacs but this is

thursday

he makes a good point

the only trouble is you don't know it

you really think i'd take some sort of a

payoff huh

you already have haven't you

oh wait a minute

you were christmas gift i wanted a super

soaker

yeah didn't you damn right

you meant to make me the cooperative

type so you just want your pretty mouth

so bust me

you're a policeman and that's grass

merlin awesome sent him that painting

my mitchell i think i'll keep him

come on

come on

are they done can i look

i sure know how to bring a girl down

double room please one night

he sleeps with me then but first things

first well she asked me to

what

sleep with her buster

that will be taken into

uh when your case is heard

have you any other offenses you'd like

for us to

take into consideration while you're in

this kind of a move yeah he hung up on

this guy

that's a mistake lady didn't do me any

good not in a sense

when can i see my lawyer he'll take care

of it for you uh you're sleeping with

him at three take an hour or so

hey

that's only a five hundred dollar fight

a thousand dollars a night you're still

ahead not after taxes you're a terrific

human being i had a clean record in this

town

sirens

hey

make sure she signs the property

received

nobody asked for a prostitute you take a

right away are we still on for tuesday

hey

you really sleep with that yep

and then i kissed her

hey wally mitch

that beneficial you're good for more

the declining years of lee majors ask

him to come in

say that it's important say that i have

to see him yes sir tell him we have sour

cream

oh man this steak out's getting crowded

hi folks

the stakes are ready

can linda come too

so tell me merlin uh do you know roman

gabriel

i think you're a good butler

moving on up

wheezy

this way wall drug

uh is the pope catholic

want to shoot a beer bong

all right mitchell

and we stop messing around what does

that mean i want to put you on the

payroll we haven't opened your retail

look i'm in trouble you sense that you

know it and i know it specifically what

trouble

well the idea that payroll and i get to

ask the questions noted

i need help you got a purple mole on my

back i need help from any source that i

can get it so i'm down to you put it on

the line i want to buy your services

your voice on the phone in case i need

the help of your police department

let me just uh

write the details of your bribe down mr

cummings

it's a shriner's car

oh place in the shade

he pulled out right in front of me

well she's got a david cassidy haircut

she's going to write red rum on his

windshield

oh

you'll think of me the whole time he's

cleaning that off

uh were you expecting a prostitute

word on the street is you're a jerk

could be open

cash

subtle just the way you take it from

other people uh i don't take bribes well

they do take you down at city hall so

they saw you in court this morning with

a hooker that you sleep with and

occasionally arrest what else they tell

you she's too expensive you can't afford

on a policeman's salary now somebody's

picking up the check who could that be

are you

me what you're picking up the check

no i don't i don't pay for your hookers

mitchell well could you do it you mean

you don't know

you're a cop and you don't know

no i don't

i specifically came here for dinner

yeah give me some flowers pronto merlin

no wait we're not leaving without some

tuna wiggle

[Music]

he's got a light emitting bald spot

someone to see you sir i knew you'd call

silver later so are you ready to join

hair club yet mine

joe don baker face number four

hey joe john

prostitute

i like your scotch uh by the quart

come on more come on keep it coming i'm

a big boy that's right

i usually take it with a ding dong in it

but uh i guess i'll take it neat that's

okay

you know

booze is good food

i admire a man like you not you

specifically take your time

you're cool

yeah

yes sir you know he may be a bad guy but

he's got a ton of gifts up there

how's the broad that's what i came to

talk about

you know what it costs to keep you sweet

a hundred bucks an hour

it tells me it happens all night

but you figured out that's like a

thousand bucks before breakfast as far

as i'm concerned she's just some broad

looking for little action

you want to see the receipt you're

wasting your money danny let me be the

judge of that

she'll lie in my bed for nothing well i

guess i'll have to talk to my accountant

you really think so i'm turning japanese

let me show you what i got for christmas

i arrange a hundred dollar company in

your name you mean orion negotiate the

transfer of a piece of real estate

cross to fireplace

let's say i'm rosalind russell

25 000

you haven't got 25 000 but i'll get your

bank loan

all legitimate

the real estate you buy will be a piece

i designate and you'll buy it from one

of my subsidiary companies oh man i'm so

lost i'll buy it off you

for let's say

100 g's

it'll give you a clear profit of 75 000

and who's to say it isn't a genuine

investment

is that a slim jim can i have that are

you done with that

do you open your christmas presents on

christmas eve or christmas morning well

what do you think

i'm going to get you for that murder but

first merry christmas

[Music]

you're making the biggest mistake of

your life

[Music]

yup another wednesday night at mitchells

our hero ladies and gentlemen

i am and i'm still not drunk life should

be

oh my goodness i think bj thomas is in

his room

[Music]

oh yuck i got a cigarette

i'd like to top off my beer drinking

with another beer it's like dessert

it's a very special joe down baker

christmas

booze and i are buying a house together

we're gonna move in

he's gonna strip down to his underwear

and watch mccue

yeah i wonder what this thing does here

[Music]

the water i never knew that wow

oh thank god for the jump

cutie died today

church

[Music]

mitchell i'm not going to your folks for

christmas

damn i'm still in this mitchell movie

adam rich

hi

are you the man from insurance no

you came last night no

my mother doesn't like you

i don't like your mother why not

why not no why not no why not why are

you repeating what i say tonight on

crossfire

i'm not well i'm not you are

what

what what did he say what'd you say can

you say something

give him a half block head start then

i'm gonna mow him over

well schlitz would listen to me right

now that's for sure

did you ever have to make up your mind

loving handful

why don't you have me arrested because

you want me to no i don't want you an

assault charge i want everything i want

you and my strata and a leader galano

and a lousy heroine family a career

maybe you get him

i wonder if i should have her talk with

you mitchell oh look you should too

you scared to come in the house oh i

give you my word nothing will happen to

you this time

i'm not scared of you

but i do have to use your washroom if

that's all right

let's get back inside before that kid

comes back again there's no clawed akins

but what a bug

mitchell

get out

[Music]

well shut up son you don't drink do you

just poor dad

well this is the way it went

the shredder made this setup with galano

enemy too late told me that the heroin

was on the water coming through my

operation to san pedro now he tells me

when this stuff is already on his way

from lestrade

don't close it don't close it straight

up phoned a little while back oh you

mean galano it was an ultimatum i had an

hour to reply what are you going to do

i'm going to think mitchell

and i'm going to call this trevor back

and tell him it was okay to use my port

facilities pork you got port here i'm

going to set it up

hand it over to you tada that sounds

just a little too good to be true

goodbye

other stuff gonna come in well a rich

woman in a big car is gonna pick up the

luggage that she sent the head after her

vacation in acapulco you're gonna be the

chauffeur well that's gonna be 350 now

rendezvous with miss trevor galano

he has a house in calabasas now you get

the heroin you get me shredded you don't

get me understood you don't get me

all right what time does it start

happening

no time like the present oh it's too bad

that scene had to end eh

rich woman big car c c

sweetie

[Music]

[Applause]

i'll be careful with that horse young

man

we'll need your signature

here hear it here

initial fear and if you'll follow this

custom declaration

and what do i write under contents

personally ah what time does your shift

end and value

100 no i mean street value punk

yeah that mitchell is really a master

disguise

just had a nice chat with your mom

take me to wendy's i'm meeting clara

peller

we're going to control the ghetto you

and i young man

[Music]

just keep driving hulk

i can't wear yellow

you can

nice he's got a terra cotta bowling pin

lamp certainly does

yeah hold on let me talk to this treader

for you

of course it is it's my phone come on

over here okay mr the consignment's on

its way i hope everything goes smooth

there's one slight alteration in the

arrangement you know that cop has been

bugging me mitchell he's bringing you

this stuff i don't believe you dude are

you out of your mind oh i'm gonna be out

of my boat

you just tie up all the loose ends

mitchell knows a lot get this stuff and

deal with them in your own way

boss is such a

tank i better call mom

oh sergeant well you might want to tell

chief palin that one of his boys that

the mitchell character oh the drunk one

yeah well he's uh heading for trouble in

calabash that's the cop that sleeps the

hookers right

oh i just felt the balloon break oh

i thought maybe we could just stop here

and just talk

step out you know how fast you were

driving

i was

okay get in

all right let's see the skag

or here let me explain what you're going

to see oh now i only wear that on

special occasions

those are my fine washables

geez scarface didn't do that much

i didn't have anything to do with all

this you mean this heroin yeah

it ain't smack lady it's chalk

cummins is crossing the line and we're

passing the savings on to you

you sure you won't be in the middle of

this i can take the heat

what

walk but my varicose veins come on

but my hip watch out for traffic

what a nice young man

fight me mitchell

quality's job one yep

oh he's gonna take a little nip out of

the gas tank

[Music]

oh he's doing a magic trick with the car

we've never met before have we

he's putting a dickie on his car

why did i do that

think things are turning around for old

mitchell

just keep walking lady i can still see

you come on

put a handkerchief on the back of his

car ron

[Music]

oh no no no no no

[Music]

well you can't say they look suspicious

or anything

[Music]

i think they should have brought food or

clothes or something

okay you guys i call no singing the

gilligan's again how do you think of it

i shide

i shide

the gods must be crazy look

it hurts

[Music]

and so you see mike that's why we need

to bring him down

that's amazing gypsy well we've got to

do something here's a manifest for the

satellite of love maybe there's

something here that can help yes yes oh

yes oh please please please please hey i

assume you tried to gain control of the

escape pod in doc 14. yes i tried to

gain control there's an escape pod in

dark 14.

according to this there's a single

occupant escape pod called the deus ex

machina how could i not see it dumb

stupid

i wouldn't blame yourself gypsy

apparently it's in a box marked ham

dingers well no wonder we didn't see it

nobody likes ham dingers so how do we

get them down huh

i don't know these clowns must have

control let's try this thing

here it is

if ah the pod is controlled remotely at

the tectronic panel which must be this

thing

if direct access from the satellite is

desired the security key must be

inserted into the panel and the sequence

c colon backslash cd

backslash manual period exe must be

entered frank's got to have the key he

loves keys well great frank's got the

keys so how do i get him

hey frank can i borrow your keys okay

thanks

okay here we go

let's see uh c

colon backslash

back manual exe i hate these things

okay it says direct access initiated

you're on your own gypsy

uh-oh hey

what did you need my keys for um your

your lights were on oh okay

hey i don't have a car well then what

did you give me your keys for

i don't know i thought i left my lights

on i'm glad i didn't waste time shutting

off your imaginary lights well

i'm sorry

i've got control oh i've got to get

moving

[Music]

wait here oh i'm alone

we are two wild and crazy guys

hey we're the sons of the old lady you

made to get out of the car and walk

you're welcome

[Music]

coming says you're a cop

well that pretty much blows my cover

where's that green pants suit

says you're the cop keeps following him

he says kill you i think he has a point

he's leaving on a boat out of marina del

rey i'm gonna put your body on that boat

and then call the coast guard

okay anything i can do

what made you come here alone come and

said you were friendly people

hmm

minty

okay boy where's the stuff i think i hit

it

to the giant gas station outside the

docks kid here

[Applause]

oh this must be dateline nbc okay

is that the signal

[Music]

so are the police coming

[Music]

guys let's take the cop oh yeah

andy kaufman

you're so stupid

mitchell killed us

now going faster than that car chase

come back you're so stupid

now isn't it against the rules to shoot

an opponent in the foot race

[Music]

touchdown

oh like a salami's going to help

thank you very much

[Music]

mitchell

well let me see this minute

[Music]

there went bronson

all right we're going over health

come here

what okay you a cop or what huh

what what's that what do you mean you

don't have any slits on board

we've got to close the beaches

would you move over please the other way

uh can we turn on the radio

from maritime polymers for boats to the

fuel in this helicopter 3m building the

future

hey it's the starship enterprise and dry

dock

yeah it's white and it's a boat

[Music]

maybe

that's not good enough oh you fly this

thing then

there it is no wait that's not there

that's the one no wait i think it's at

the oh i guess

it's the lyrical acrylic bubble that

makes it possible

yeah they call me mama mitchell i'm

always posting heads jumping in and out

of bed you

that's why you should have thought of

that before we left

[Music]

mitchell goes as big as his life

convenient

now this looks positively baywatchian

[Music]

pt 90210

[Music]

all done

oh

frip-up mexico in a white 35-footer we

got a half-hour head start so we

we're supposed to go to some place

called the pacific ocean he said it's

big and blue it's got a lot of fish in

it

[Music]

yes the future belongs to 3m

wait is that paul hogan in the middle

there

you guys get pretty good benefits

vote next to the final conflict

hey check this out my foot is huge

80 miles

20 minutes we'll be in mexican

territorial waters and no power arrest

anyone too late for coach

right

now it's turning into an episode of

riptide

jimmy osmond all grown up

on the people's court

martin balsam the doer's profile

[Music]

quick steve hardbank turn now

tell me what you want to do

i want to jump to my desk

[Music]

mitchell please not here honey

what a great action hero he just pawns

off his duties on others

[Music]

and it's all here at 3m's new facility

in mexico

you've got 10 minutes to find that vote

max we're at the halfway point on fuel

we'll have to turn back

harvesting the ocean's bounty for the

future

think those are schlitz caves

things will work out mr maxwell mr

maxwell

[Music]

oh so the helicopter's chasing the boat

[Music]

[Applause]

andrew's getting a little thicker on the

middle

just tell me when this gets

uncomfortable

[Music]

i'm huge

[Music]

all right now jig it off the bottom uh

let's just not talk for a while

[Music]

i'll still stand by the idea of the

yellow thing the hell

to check out the rotors

[Music]

[Music]

mitchell

[Music]

you know i think things were a lot

easier when mitch was just sitting

around outside martin baldwin's house

[Music]

tell my wife i love her mitchell

well you are going to lose a few

you made one more

[Music]

wow i didn't think he'd be that mad

he was my partner for seven years

so

[Music]

looks like excitement by repetition it's

the maritime equivalent of rock climbing

oh that's weird

[Music]

oh what a mess

i could never do that in gym class

[Laughter]

i dreamed i was father murphy

[Music]

um guys wasn't john saxon in this movie

oh yeah

mitchell

you take the rough housing outside

he sort of kind of hit me somewhere

come here go away come here go away it's

a pattern with them

[Music]

these circle line tours are getting

really brutal

we're closed

[Music]

oh right in the dinghy

this is for the super mark

[Music]

mannix extra large

oh vaudeville

[Music]

let me just tuck your intestines back in

here

and there on his colon was a hook

well let's see i see van morrison i see

meatloaf and spock

so long chum

he refrigerates his bowling bag

yeah this one's better

out in a minute mitchell i'm taking a

shower

[Music]

either those curtains go or i do

dead calm dead clam

boy this sure is good booze captain

schlitz i think your order's up

harbor michigan

um i'll make sandwiches

you never take me alive coppers

hey

that's very impressive

very smart mitchell

very tough

you know that you and me have over a

million dollars here you and i'm saying

over a million dollars right here in a

bag

you don't have to be a pig for the rest

of your life mitchell well i kind of do

and make sure you're smart enough for

something better oh you're smart enough

mitchell half a million bucks take a

look at it

you're gonna like it

let's rip off the last scene from key

largo mitchell

i'm throwing it out

grab anything frilly out of there you

want why don't we talk about it mitchell

here's my gun

no reason to fight

we're smart we'll both be okay

okay i'm gonna start taking off my

clothes you better stop me

counselor

[Applause]

so the deal's off then

i think it was one of those effects too

expensive to show yep

i'll never grow old i'll never die and

i'll always eat oatmeal

mr roper you home

mitchell licensed to slouch

[Music]

you know it's about this time in any

killing spree that you really ought to

turn the gun on yourself you know

turn it turn it

turn it do the deed do it

my apartment

i'd knock but i know i'm not home

yeah i love pulling my gun when i go in

my own apartment scares my cats have to

death

well no one's disturbed as porn pile

on your knees

yani you're home

okay clothes hold it right there

that was close

all right john tesh i know you're in

here

all right kitchen freeze

not a surprises in her head

there

so how was your day

you get a kick out of this kind of thing

it has its moments

how'd you get in here

through the door it was locked

i put my hands down now

look at the kitchen

i had to eat

what do you have mickey work over or

something well

you could at least wash the dishes

there's no machine

look where i come from you're washing

the sink and you dry with a cloth i'll

try it before you where you come from

beer's an entree

hey i'm not in the bathroom

man he's only got a couple more minutes

left to be like i always think you can

pull it off doubt it

hey that shower wasn't bad i've been

afraid of it all these years

wait a minute would you say

i can't imagine why mitchell two never

came out

mitchell honey time to get ready for

school

the chair over there folds out into a

single

what do you want to sleep with me for

huh

yeah

nobody paying you this time i'm doing it

on spec

do i smell pachyderms

doesn't matter

do you work with an orangutang

glass

yeah that's great oh no wonder she's

attracted to him

where's your cheech and chong album

we got any froot loops

god i love him

all right let's get your coat

zero tolerance is so funny

that's our mitchell

oh man

my mitchell

[Music]

oh he sounds fun doesn't it

put them on your feet

give your dogs a treat

what a comfortable shoe

[Music]

no joe don baker would be perfect for

elvis the dying days

[Music]

oh it's just stream of consciousness he

stopped singing about mitchell about

five minutes ago

dude

[Music]

mitchell

[Music]

okay all right we've got this letter to

read out let's put it up on still store

okay this one comes to us

[Music]

could you please turn off these

emergency lights we've got this letter

to read sure

the hell is that yeah where's joel i can

explain everything come on quit give me

rocket number nine

you'll finally get to be among his own

in the wild

hey look there's a prize inside that box

of ham dingers an escape pod

hey guys look at me i'm on my way to

earth pretty crazy huh

what about us what are we supposed to do

without you

who's gonna teach us about what it is to

be human and stuff listen you guys at

this point you guys know as much about

it as i do uh listen you know i don't

have a lot of time my signal's starting

to break up i could tell i'm getting out

of range listen if you look under the

desk there's a plaque i made for you

guys to put up to remember me by

yeah here it is look boy nice job joel

very professional looking really nice

job uh yeah thanks i i really gotta get

out of here i'm almost out of range

listen you guys be strong and true i

love you bye

now

it's been a big day

who's hungry no not yet two fists let's

find out what's on the plaque oh press

that button there oh

to all on the satellite of love from

joel

the whole world is a circus if you look

at it the right way every time you pick

up a handful of dust and see not the

dust but a mystery a marvel there in

your hand every time you stop and think

i'm alive and being alive is fantastic

every time such a thing happens

you are part of the circus of dr lou

what what circus of doctor

brother joel leaves and his last words

are from a george pals movie oh i

thought it would be something profound

you know like from the psalms or the

upanishads or even the desert dorado for

that matter

last transmission from joel coming in on

next field

joe buddy the circus of dr lou i don't

get it hey it's my favorite movie so sue

me i gotta go guys hey see you later

sorry folks i can't come back i don't

know how it works goodbye wow

oh i'm going to miss him

yeah well i guess he's gone for good

fellas and that only means one thing i'm

in charge

what raciated the male cops i found out

where he hides him no crow too soon

think they'll send us a new guy oh sure

they're bound to but until that

happens are we gonna do

[Music]

ah

nothing like a good shower to make one

feel new again

i feel great nothing can get the way of

my good mood what's going on frank oh

not much

inventory inventory's under control

floor needs mopping

joel escaped from the satellite of love

well i see you've got the situation well

ahead what

you'll escape from the satellite of love

i'd better get started on that floor

frank

my towel and your hinder have an

appointment but first we've got to

rescue joel

oh no no

frank he's landed safely in the

australian outback well let's just hope

he landed on yahoo sirius oh well that's

a good point frank because

frank

can't you see we're ruined what are we

gonna do

well we could send someone else into

space who are we gonna find at this late

date to send into space did you guys

sign my time card

are you thinking what i'm thinking frank

yeah you're not gonna sign his time card

are you

come on you gotta sign my time card of

course i'll sign your time card young

man

in fact i think you're going to be

working for me for a long long time

push the button frank

say mike what size jumpsuit do you wear

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

you lying through your teeth your head's

off huh