Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 6, Episode 11 - Gunslinger - full transcript

[theme song playing]
♪ In the not-too-distant future ♪

♪ Next Sunday AD ♪

♪ There was a guy named Joel ♪

♪ Not too different from you or me ♪

♪ He worked at Gizmonic Institute ♪

♪ Just another face in a red jumpsuit ♪

♪ He did a good job
Cleaning up the place ♪

♪ But his bosses didn't like him ♪

♪ So they shot him into space! ♪

♪ We'll send him cheesy movies! ♪

♪ The worst we can find! ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ He'll have to sit and watch them all ♪

♪ And we'll monitor his mind! ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ Now keep in mind Joel can't control ♪

♪ Where the movies begin or end ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ Because he used those special parts ♪

♪ To make his robot friends ♪

-♪ Robot roll call ♪
-[man on radio] Let's go. Cambot!

-[man] Pan left.
-♪ Gypsy! ♪

-Hi, girl!
-♪ Tom Servo! ♪

What a cool guy.

-♪ Croooow! ♪
-Wisecracker.

♪ If you're wondering
How he eats and breathes ♪

♪ And other science facts ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ Then repeat to yourself
It's just a show ♪

♪ I should really just relax ♪

♪ For Mystery Science Theater 3000! ♪

OK, Gypsy, it's your turn, roll.

Come on, boxcars!

OK, looks like...

Oh, got a six, OK.

-One, two, three, four, five, six.
-[Servo moaning]

Well, with each pop,
my mind expands at an alarming rate.

And I don't mind telling you

it's a harsh jarring
comfortless experience.

Oh, come on, quit your bellyaching.

Hi, everybody,
welcome to the Satellite of Love.

I'm Joel Robinson in the box

and I have decided to turn old Tom Servo

in that Milton Bradley game Kaboom.

OK, come on.

Oh, got an 8.

Oh, that stings.

And that's another thing.

Why Kaboom?

Guys, I feel more suited
to go to the head of the class

or Stadium Checkers or even Kerplunk.

Anything would be better than this.

If it would make you feel any better,

we could play hands down with you.

Why, that's it!
Oh, great day, hands down.

That's the slap happiest game ever
I would be playing.

I thought we just get in a circle

and hit you and snag on you
and crush you--

He, guys, I could, uh, surv--

I got to go survey
the electronics on the ship.

Could we just forget about the game
and pop up Servo's head until it pops?

-Yeah. That's it.
-[Servo] No, no, no...

-Pop him, pop him, pop, pop, pop.
-No, no. Please, please, please...

[all except Servo]
Pop him, pop him, pop, pop, pop.

-Pop him, pop him, pop, pop, pop.
-[Servo whimpering]

-Pop him, pop him, pop, pop, pop.
-No...

-Pop him, pop him, pop, pop, pop.
-No...

My Lord, this is incredible.
My head is so huge.

I've accumulated all the knowledge

of all humanity throughout the ages.

Yet all I can think about is why,

why did they cancel Manimal, why?

Oh, uh, Pearl and Hayes
and Mary Healey are calling you guys.

Oh, hello, Booby.

Say, if you want to make
people's heads explode?

Sure we all do.

Well, my invention exchange this week

is a study guide I've put together
called "The Scanner Planner."

It's filled with lots
of life's little instructions

on how you can scan people's brains
and make their heads explode.

Now, the first thing
you'll need for your scanning

is a good subject,

someone who's your moral
and intellectual inferior.

I wonder who that could be.

Hi, Dr. Forrester, what you doing?

Hey, you were scanning me, weren't you?

You tried to make my head explode,
you freaked out maniac.

[Forrester groans in pain]

This could take a while, Joel.
Back up to you.

Sirs, when are you going to realize

that when you kill each other,
you're only hurting yourselves.

Anyway, our invention exchange
is based on one of the century's safest,

softest and funniest concept:
the wiffle ball.

Ha ha, It's fun.

And we've taken the whole wiffle concept

and siphoned it through our own
madcap irreverent viewpoint.

For instance, there's the wiffle hat.

It's lighter, cooler and more comfortable
than any ordinary hat.

-And there's the wiffle glass.
-Oh, yeah.

-Makes any soft drink wifflacious.
-Whoo...

Well, we haven't quite
worked out all the kinks yet

but I've come up
with something even cooler:

wiffle cheese.

Hey, wait a minute,
this is just Swiss cheese.

That's right. It's nature's own wiffle.

That's right. And think
of the possibilities,

they're endless.

Wiffle cat, wiffle dog,
wiffle roach motel.

Wiffle sports jacket,
wiffle replacement hip,

wiffle underpants.

Wiffle shoehorn,
wiffle apartment building,

wiffle Claude Akins.

[together] Wiffle.

What do you think, sirs?

Oh, Joel, your movie this week
is your first western.

It's called Gunslinger

and it stars Beverly Garland
in her pre-Doddy period.

Beverly Garland?
[rolls tongue]

It's also directed by Roger Corman.

So your heads may explode
before Frank's does.

Yippiekiyay, mama jama.

He made my head explode.
Thank you, Dr. Forrester.

-[buzzer sounding]
-[all clamoring]

[Servo] Thank you.

[Crow] Ah, that feels good.

[rooster crowing]

[Crow] It's morning in America.

[Servo] Let's see. Doctor? No.

No barber? No, that's no good.

Oh, law enforcement!
That's what I need.

[Joel] Now, to the horses.

[Crow laughs] Corman.

[Servo] She is slick.
How'd she slip by us?

-Hi.
-Hi.

-[Servo] You didn't hear her?
Some sheriff.

Long night.

Quiet one, for a change.

[Crow] Any trouble with Patty, Marshall?

Oh, you shouldn't get up so early

just to fetch my breakfast.

What else is a marshal's wife good for?

[Servo] Formfitting Western dress,
nice bustier.

So, what have you been doing all night?

-[Joel] Cleaning my gun, yeah.
-...Nate Signo.

You still think he shot Uriah Baker?

I'm sure of it.

[dog barking]

[Crow] They're not that good
at sneaking up.

[Servo] Well, sneaking up
had just been invented, so...

I went over to Erica Page's yesterday.

Time I got there, he was gone.

I don't know.
Maybe she warned him I was coming.

Anyway, I tracked him out
as far as Nine Mile Canyon,

-then I lost him.
-[Crow] Copper tubing!

Probably holed in there
somewhere now.

You figure out what you're going to do
about Erica's tramps at the Red Dog?

Now, who in the world
could stand up to that woman?

-Try me.
-[Servo] You like me.

Aw, you stick to making coffee, Rose.

I'll take care of the criminal element.

[gunshot]

[Servo] Guess I won't.

[Crow] More, more, more.

[horse whinnies]

[Joel] Oop, see you, Dave.
Gotta go get a haircut.

[Servo] You see, this is before
barber poles moved.

They just sat outside
and cranked 'em.

[Crow] What a day!

Well, better check the scones.

[Joel] Oh, how am I going
to explain this to--

Oh, that's right.

[Servo] Hon, morning.
What'd you dream about last night?

Let me think, let me think.

[Crow] Well, at least, check his pulse.

[Joel] Yeah.

[Servo] Oh, poop.

[Joel] The man with a golden arm.

-[♪♪♪]
-[Joel] Walking this.

[Crow] So, Corman did Swamp
Diamonds on Monday

and this one on Wednesday.

[Joel] Yep.

[Joel] Origami in your live type.

[Servo imitating trumpet]

[all scream]

[Servo cries] Hold me!

[Joel] Looks like Bella Abzug.

[Crow] My set is melting, melting.

[Servo] Oh, Spy vs. Spy .

[Joel] Uh, Zorro kind of, sort of...

[Crow] You got me.

[Servo] They got a choreographer,
that's a good sign.

[Crow in old voice]
The old Fred West.

[Joel] Ah, kids, don't change
a light bulb without supervision.

[Servo] Oh, it's like High Plains Drifter,

what with the red buildings and such.

[Joel] No, it's The Funny Company,
as you can plainly see.

[Servo makes buzzer sound]

[Servo] Hey, garden.

What's the news from the East?

Well, the railroad's still in Waco.

[Crow] The Harkawis are mad.
They want their money.

...that new track for two weeks yet.

We're all waitin' for that big letter.

Yeah, and I'm waitin' to carry it.

[Joel] Small talk of the Old West.

[Servo] The Pony Express,

when it absolutely positively
has to be there

in three or four months or so.

[Joel] Oh, yeah, sure,
I'll deliver your plans

through the telegraph.

You bet.

[Crow] I think he moved. Kidding.

Good folks of Oracle...

-[Joel] Yeah.
-[Crow] Yes, that's me.

...we are gathered here
to plant the last remains of Scott Hood...

[Servo] Brother of boys in need.

...gallant marshal of our fair community.

[Joel] Goodness, he eulogizes well.

Not since the Battle of Shiloh,

when we showed them Yankees
what Confederate currency really meant...

[Crow] He's got something there,
food for thought.

...have I seen such bravery in one man.

[Servo] Sorry, I'm late,
horse threw a tire.

Oh! What are you doing here?

Maybe he wanted to see
the results of his handiwork.

[Joel] Ah, jeez, Jake.

Well, the good work of Marshal Hood
has been terminated...

near the hour of his triumph.

[Servo snoring loudly]

I'm sure you'll all be relieved to know

-that I, acting in my capacity as mayor...
-[Servo whispers] Hey. Psst.

have sent to San Antonio
for the celebrated Sam Bass.

-[Joel] Big fish face guy.
-He's gonna be our new marshal.

Well, so much for secular doings.

[Servo] Let's party.

Now, after I get through
sayin' the prayer,

the good widow Hood will toss the first

spade full of dirt
onto that old pine box there.

[Joel] And then, she'll be singing
"Sunrise, Sunset."

If you'll all kindly bend your necks.

[Crow] And no goofing around
this time.

[Servo] Can't bend my neck.

Oh, Lord of man and beast...

[Joel] Oh, now what?

-...we poor sinners here...
-[Servo] Hey.

...commit the lowly clay

of your poor servant, Scott Hood...

[Crow] Oh, knock it off, Herald.

...to his last resting place

here on Oracle's aspiring Boot Hill,

until that mighty blast of Gabriel's horn

on the final day of judgment.

[Crow] I'm just winging it here, Lord.

-Scott Hood...
-[Crow] What? I'm dead.

...rest in peace.

Amen.

[Joel] Amen.

[Servo] Hey, mine.

[Joel] All right, I'm not doing
this one for free.

Who was it, dear?

One of the killers who went
after Scott last night.

-[Crow] I'll just put this back.
-Then I guess that's all of them, huh?

Not quite.

I still have to settle
with whoever hired them.

[Joel] Hey, I might not be dead
down here.

You think it might be
somebody unknown behind this killin'?

There has to be, Mayor.

Those men would have
no personal reason to do Scott in.

Well, like I say,
Sam Bass'll be getting' here

in a couple of weeks

and he can take care of anything
that has to be taken care of.

-He can be too late.
-Well...

[Servo] Hey, I said, "I'm not dead."

...Joshua's Deputy.
Want me to make him Marshal?

[Joel] Well, it's so sudden.

Not me, Mayor Polk.

That kind of job takes book learnin'.

[Crow] And some
basic intelligence.

Is there a man here who thinks
he can handle the job?

How 'bout me? I'd like to be marshal.

Oh, shut up, little man.

[Servo] You've got mending to do.

Jake Hayes doesn't count.

[Joel] But Sam Bass
is coming to town.

[Joel] Would you want to go
have coffee sometime?

Pin it on.

[Servo] ♪ Pin it on
In the morning now ♪

Pin it on who?

On me.

Oh, come on, Rose.
You must be pullin' my leg.

I think it's a wonderful idea.

-[Crow] What the...? Hey!
-With a woman marshal,

Oracle'll be the hit
of the Western dime novels,

and what bad man would
dream of shooting a woman?

[Servo] Heh, I would.

Pin it on.

I can't do that.

Oh, pin it on and get it over with.

I've got a beef roast in the oven.

[Crow] You know,
beef roast in the oven.

-All right.
-[Joel] Well, I'm not very good at this,

usually I can't even put
a corsage on but...

[Servo] Dink... ouch!

[Crow] Now, to slip into
something sheriffy and sexy.

[Joel] Well, back to the fellowship
hall for bars and punch.

[Crow] Shouldn't they have
their headlights on?

It's been a sad day, Mrs. Hood.

This is the first chance I've had
to offer my personal condolences.

Thank you, Erica.

You've taken on a man's
responsibility, my dear.

-I have Joshua here to help me.
-[Servo] The friend.

Well, if there's anything
I can do, just let me know.

As a matter of fact, there is.

[Crow] Can I borrow
that pink taffeta dress?

There's a little matter
my husband kept putting off.

[Servo] Me.

I hate to mention it now, but I...

I noticed you were open
past three this morning.

The Red Dog Saloon is open 24 hours.

-[Joel] Breakfast anytime.
-It has been.

There's--there's
a curfew law, you know.

I think you're taking
that star a bit too seriously.

[Erica] Quite seriously.

[Servo imitating gunshots]

You're priceless.

Drop in at my place tonight
for a free drink.

[Servo] And keep the glass.

Make it after three.

-I'll be there.
-[Joel] Well, I have my men's group.

I don't know,
I reckon some people

won't think it's proper for a new widow

to go around in pants
even though they are black.

Did you ever see
a peace officer in a corset?

[Crow] Yeah, your husband.

Lady, are you going
to wear that cannon?

I don't imagine a bank robber
will change the rules just for me.

Come on, Joshua,
let's start enforcing the law.

[Servo] Close up for us, grumpy.

[Joel] Oh, leather toilet seat cover.

[lively piano music playing]

-[Joel] Kind of looks like a ground round.
-[Servo] It does.

-[Joel] Whee...
-[Servo] And there's my hinder.

[Joel] You know, it's just possible
that's Rachmaninoff

on the piano.

[Crow] Hey, get off my ravioli.

[Joel] Too good tonight.

[Joel burps]

[Servo] Oh, it's so hot in here,
we're so sassy.

[Servo] Oh, we did not mean
to do that but we did it.

Well, sir, there we was

in the swamps below Fort Donaldson.

[Servo] Wearing skirts like them.

Buckney said we had to surrender.

[Crow] Oh, don't start.

Never. I went with Bedford Forrest.

[Joel] You never knew
Bedford Forrest.

...did at night,

us ridin' piggyback with Forrest troopers.

Next day, 10,000 surrendered,

but me and Bedford
went out to fight another day.

[Servo] Well, go fish.

[♪♪♪]

[Crow] They kind of
look like bodybuilders.

[Servo] Their underwear
has Raiders logos.

[Joel] OK, go wash up, girls.

[applause]

[Crow] Excuse me,
I've got to go fire them.

Is it three yet?

-[Servo] Where's the headliner?
-Yes.

She won't show her face.

[Crow] Doodly, doodly, doodly,
dooie, her face.

Good evening, Rose.

Good morning, Erica.

Did you come for that drink?

I'll have a Sex on the Beach.

I'm afraid I don't have time for one.
It's after three, you know.

Oh, now, Mrs. Hood...

The Red Dog is open 24 hours.

-Mm-hmm.
-[Crow] Breakfast anytime.

Well, you well, you empty
your house and put out the lights.

Put 'em out yourself.

[Joel] Whoa, it's like
a lady Road House.

[Servo] Samuel Beckett there.

[Crow] At the second show,
dry mud wrestling.

[Servo] Ooh, Beverly's wearing jackboots.

[Crow] I'm a grim, old warrior.

[clattering]

[Servo] No, Joel, say what you will,

but Roger Corman pushes my buttons.

[grunting]

[Servo] Well, that thing's not
helping any. Come here.

[Crow] You want a fresh lime, Wormy?

[Joel] You know, he should have slid
him across the bars probably.

[Servo] Well, they hadn't
invented that yet.

All right, everybody
who can walk, up and out.

This place is closed for the night.

[Joel] Hey, it's Jesse White
and Bob Crane,

-I don't believe it.
-[Servo] Oh.

[Crow] Hey, but this place
is open 24 hours.

[Servo] They're taking
the elevator up apparently.

You sure made a sick chicken
out of Erica Page.

[Servo clucking]

She's gonna be a sicker chicken

when I find out what she has
to do with Nate Signo.

[Crow] Hey, can I get
a new bucket in here?

Well, you better get
some sleep, Miss Rose.

Yeah, I guess I'd better.

I'll--I'll curl up in there

and then I'll spell ya'
in a couple of hours.

[Joel] And you don't mind
if I watch you sleep, do you?

[Crow] Yeah, stew's really good here.

Now look, you turn around
or I'll book you for rustling.

[Servo with drunk voice] I'm already
serving consecutive life sentences,

but OK, see you.

[Joel] Oh, it's been a good day.

[Joel] You're a miracle worker, Wormy.

-Feel better?
-That'll take a good night's sleep.

Yeah.

They're gonna be sorry
for this, ain't they?

Yes, little man, they'll be sorry.

Want me to do it?

Do what?

Kill 'em.

Not you, Jake. You're too stupid.

[Crow] Well, I'm off the hook then.

You'd be sure to get caught
and that would lead straight to me.

Just as Nate Signo
was leading Scott Hood to me.

No, no. I wouldn't get caught.

I'm smarter than you think.
I'm real smart.

Jake! You're hurting me.

I didn't mean it, Erica.
I didn't mean it.

All right, I forgive you.

[Servo] So they really use their
Helen Gallagher catalog, huh?

I want you to do me a favor.

Sure, what kind of favor?

[Joel] Get a restraining order
on yourself.

I want you to ride to Tombstone

and pick me a new assistant.

I'll pick you one. I'll pick the best.

Maybe I can find Billy the Kid.

I don't care who you get,

just as long as he knows his business.

I want him here within the week.

[Crow] What kind of
salary are we offering?

And benefits? Benefit--
I better write this down,

that's going to be a lot of stuff.

[Servo] ♪ It must be him
It must be him ♪

[Joel as horse] Oh, no, not, Wormy.
Come on please.

Don't get on me, Wormy, I can't...

[Crow] The riveting
horse mounting scene.

[Joel] Hey, nobody told me... Owie! Ow!

[gunshots]

[♪♪♪]

[Servo] ♪ Goldfinger ♪

♪ Goldfinger ♪

♪ Goldfinger ♪

[Joel] Tuesday, the rabbi got robbed.

[gunshots]

[Crow] Well, I'm pretty sure
he was a bad guy, yeah.

[Joel] He's a really fortunate lawman,

he just walks right into crimes.

[Servo] Yeah, I'll just take your lunch.

[Crow] Boy, it's really blue out today.

[Servo] ♪ Walk along the city streets
We used to walk. ♪

[Crow] You know, shed a few pounds,
he's Mr. Drysdale.

[Servo] Yeah, LaCroix please.

Sorry, Mayor, it's after closing.

I'm not here for a drink.

What's the matter?

Well, frankly, Erica, I'm worried.

[Crow] Guess who wants
to be a rock star.

Because I've been running around
with strange men?

-Come on, now. I'm serious.
-[Joel] Where there's no one left alive.

Do you realize how far
you've extended your nose

in town property?

I'm familiar with my business affairs.

I've been down at the Land Office

checking through the deed files.

[Crow] I'm a research nut.

Suddenly I notice the name
"Erica Page" everywhere.

[Joel] Her face kind of
comes to a point.

All right, Mayor,
I'll let you in on the big secret.

[Servo] I'm Lonesome George Gobel...

-[plate clatters; object thumps]
-[Servo] See?

Let's have a drink.

[Crow] All right,
DJ Swan Mellow Nights.

[Servo] And that's when I became
known as Mr. Wiggly. You?

Let me see if I got this straight.

[Crow] You're a man playing
a woman playing a man.

...out of business
and liquidate the inventory

and the other assets

and then use that money
to buy the next place.

You're brilliant.

Oh, it's just not possible.

[Servo] Tell that to Dave Del Dotto.

Have you noticed
how that line of property lies?

[Joel] Don't you hate that?

You said it looked
like a geometric pattern.

Well, picture it in your mind's eye.

[Crow] Oh, I get it, it's funny.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I see it now.

[Servo] Yeah, baby, that's the way.

It lies on the ground
that the Land Commission

has picked out as a suggested right of way

for the railroad and depot.

[Erica] Exactly.

[Joel] You mean, I am right?

Oh, but Erica, this scheme of yours

is the height of speculative gambling.

The railroad decides
not to build through Oracle,

you'll be wiped out.

-[Servo] Phooey on youey. [spits]
-It's a chance.

An extremely long one.

[Crow] Well, I got to hit my shift
at the Roy Rogers.

Well, I want those trains
to come through, too,

and I guess we'll get the decision
in Saturday's postal express.

'Course you realize
how the town'll feel if...

Some nights I lie awake
two or three seconds

-worrying about it.
-[Servo] Oops, sorry.

Goodnight, Mayor.

Goodnight, Erica, and, uh, good luck.

[Crow] Thanks for the drinks and stuff.

Sorry, I was such the pig with a Chex Mix.

[Joel] Looks like he's been
in the little man's room there.

...Tombstone. Got the man you wanted.

I got the best.

-What's his name?
-Cane Miro.

♪ Rum, dum, da-dum ♪

♪ Dum, dum, dum, dum... ♪

So, this is what it's like to be dead.

Well, roughly this is what
it's like to be in a casket.

So, why are we doing this?

Aren't you curious?

About being dead?

We're robots, Joel.

We're not the ones
who have to worry about it.

Uh, you understand my point?

Oh, yeah, well, at least
I have a soul, OK.

Yeah, sure you do.

Anyway, even though I'm not going to die,
I sure could see having a snappy funeral.

Not like the one in the movie though.

What a drag!

Oh, at my funeral,

I'd hope my friends
would toss me up and down

in a blanket like the Eskimos do,
you know?

Really go for some height.

Ooh. Well, how about a beach funeral?

You know, pony keg, bonfire,

couple slipping off
into the woods to neck.

Prop me up so I can surf.

Hey, I'd go the dignity route.

You know, variety of ethnic foods

or maybe a saxophone quartet.

Dignity, smignity, Joel.

I want elephants, lots of them,

and circus ladies as my pallbearers.

I want them enthusiastic

and wearing those little frilly skirts
as little tutus.

You know, Tom,
cost could be a consideration.

Oh, nonsense, Joel.

I'll lie in state for several days

at the Corn Palace
while "Hooked On a Feeling"

is sung by a choir of castrati.

You know, there's always
the educational route,

so a real hands-on kind of funeral,

details of my embalming
written up and distributed.

-It is fun to think about it.
-It sure is.

So, uh, when you humans die,
that's it, right, uh...

you're dead forever?

Yeah.

Well, isn't that like
throwing the baby out

with the bath water, Joel?

Why don't you just not die, Joel?

Well, everybody dies.

Oh, and if everybody ran
off a cliff, you'd do that too?

Well, that's not the way it works,

besides we got commercials sign.

Well, it's just weird, that's all.

Maybe it's us.

Joel, is there any way
I could be mummified

and placed next to Stalin?

Sure, honey.

Well, that's what I want,

mummified and placed next to Stalin.

[humming] ♪ Dum dum ba dum ♪

♪ Bum ba dum dum dum dum ♪

♪ Da da da
Dum da dum da dum ♪

♪ Dum da da ♪

[Joel] Yeah, death sucks.

[Crow] Yeah, I don't even want
to know what I stepped in.

[gunshots]

[Joel] Jeepers, it's hard
to get into this town.

[Rose] Stop it, mister.
I've got you cold.

[Crow] Yep, she does.

[Servo] Say...

Whaddya know?

A lady with a star.

[Servo] ♪ You can dust your car
To the lady with the star ♪

You're not the man I'm after.

-I'm sorry.
-[Joel] I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry I took a shot at you.

-[Crow] That's one on me.
-My name's Rose Hood.

Cane Miro.

-Any relation to John Miro?
-Cane Miro?

Well, that sounds familiar.

I don't think we've met.

If we had, I'd have remembered.

I'm the marshal here.
I'm glad I missed you.

I was aiming at a killer
I meaned to catch.

[Joel] There he goes now.

I'd like to help you, ma'am.

Well, he's supposed to be
hiding out in Nine Mile Canyon.

[Crow] How long is that canyon?

As a matter of fact, I did see some smoke

coming up from the deep canyon brush.

Can't imagine
an honest man living down there.

No, neither can I.

-Let's go.
-Go?

[Joel] Yeah, go.

We have to get him, don't we?

[Servo] Oh, oh. "Go."

I guess we do. I'll just get my horse.

[Servo] Well, since we're going...

[Crow] Hey, Cane, who is the girl?

[Joel as horse] Hey, watch it,
your hands are cold.

[horse snorts]

[Servo] Hey, I love what
you're driving. A Pinto, right?

[Crow] Let's ride separately,
I just feel more comfortable

if we rode separately.

I'm winning.

[Servo] No, no, I'm winning.

[Joel] Yeah, I let you though.

[Cane] You wait here.
I'll look around.

[Crow] Now, where's he going?

I'm as nervous as a long tail cat

in a room full of rocking chairs.

[Servo] Sir, you got a permit?

I notice you don't have
a ticket on your post.

Hello? sir?

[Joel] Oh, come on, everyone knows
that there are no hot plates

allowed in Nine Mile Canyon.

[Crow] Now, where are you going?

[Crow crying]

Stay with me.

[Servo] Well, there's three bowls
of porridge here,

don't quite know what that means.

[Joel] You know, I like it, honey,
I think we should make an offer.

He's around.

Where?

[Servo] I'm in the outhouse,
I'll be right back out.

...getting more water for these potatoes.

-[Crow] So, he's Irish, huh?
-Uh-huh. So what do we do?

[Joel] We could start the salad.

Wait in there.

[Joel] Cover me, I'll set the table.

[Servo] We'll hide behind this tree.
Are you sure you're the best?

Alright now, how do you want him?

[Joel] Lady's choice.

-Alive.
-[Crow] Why? How do you want him?

Where do you come from, Mr. Miro?

Lately, mostly from around Tombstone.

[Servo] Before that,
Medford, Wisconsin.

[Rose] Pretty rough place.

That's what they tell me.

Still trying to figure out
where I've heard of you.

It'll come.

Were you in the war?

-Bragg's Army.
-[Crow] Pastry chef.

That was a long time ago.

Not according to our good mayor.

For him, the South is still winning.

Gideon Polk?

You know him?

Captain Polk and I are old Army friends.

[Servo] Look, let's just focus on
our stakeout right now.

He's my main reason for coming to Oracle.

Except maybe now,
I've found a better one.

-[horse whinnies]
-[Joel] Hey, it's Bigfoot with a bucket.

[Servo] Hi, folks, welcome
to my lien too. [spits]

-Nice day.
-[Crow] Nice day.

I'm arresting you
for the murder of Uriah Baker.

Drop your gun belt.

[Joel] I said your gun belt.

I'd also like to have
a little talk with you

about your connection with Erica Page.

I'm gonna talk, I'm gonna ride.

Keep your mouth shut.

I'll keep him covered, Marshal.

How 'bout you dousing the fire.

[Servo] You know, the way you do?
I'd like that.

[Crow] I was just going
to get your potato.

That happened faster than it could have.

[Joel] Over the speed of light.

Yes, ma'am.

Come on.

I'll help you get your worm bait
back to beyond.

[piano music playing]

[Servo] Oh, stop.
Quick, charley horse! Oh, ow...

[Crow] Yes,
Buns of Steel of the Old West.

[Servo] And naughty spank
and naughty spink,

and you've been bad in the tushie.

Now, naughty, naughty, naughty

and naughty, naughty, naughty this way,

naughty, naughty, naughty,

and naughty, naughty, naughty, that way.

Higher, girls.

[Crow] Say what you want, Reverend,
this brings in the parishioners.

[Servo] Whee...

Oh, look at them poor girls there.

Do you know that Mrs. Marshal Hood's
ordered them out of town?

She says they constitute
an "immoral influence"

-on our young men.
-[laughing]

[Servo] That's pretty much
the idea, isn't it?

[♪♪♪]

[Crow] Joel, you know, it's so good
you almost forget it's erotic.

[Joel] ♪ Shuffle Off the Buffalo
Shuffle Off the Buffalo ♪

♪ And stick the butt up... ♪

[Joel] Yeah, remember,
when we were part of the act, Jed?

They said I didn't glide quite right.

[applause]

Hear they gotta be out by Friday.

-Friday noon.
-[Servo] Whatever.

Somebody's always tryin'
to push somebody else out.

Like the Yankees trying
to push us out of Georgia.

[all three] Shut up.

Looks to me they accomplished that.

Not at first, they didn't.

You should've been with me at...

[Crow] Excuse me, who is talking?

...smash Grant and Rose
plans at the Googleberg.

[Joel] Googleberg?

Let's see, uh, you were in the artillery

by then, weren't you?

Yes, sir.

[Servo] You were a bootblack.

...shot rounds and canisters
as fast as we could load.

Why, he handled them guns
like they was red-hot stovepipes.

How well did you handle them
at Lookout Mountain, Captain Polk?

[Servo imitating Ronald Reagan]
Hell, I don't recall,

I don't recall.

[Joel] Mr. Mooneys
of the Old West.

Private Cane Miro.

It is you.

You've got a good memory.

But then, that was something
no one could forget,

wasn't it, Captain?

[Crow] That he's got a good memory?

I thought you were dead.

The good die first.

[Servo] Most people
are morally ambiguous,

which explains our random dying patterns.

I understand you're a good citizen.

[Joel] Now that's
a complex death threat.

Why'd you come here?

Well, goodnight, Mayor.

Goodnight, Erica.

We'll wind up our business tomorrow.

-[Crow] Let me call you a cab.
-Don't leave.

Are you afraid, Captain?

How can one man help you
when 30,000 couldn't?

[Servo] He makes a good point.

Hello, Cane.

Hello, Erica.

It's been a long time.

[Servo] It's been a long, long,
long, long lonely time.

I wouldn't touch 'em.

-[Crow] With all that makeup.
-Come on with me, Gideon.

You better retreat, Mayor.

I'll see you another day.

Goodnight, Cane.

-Goodnight, Erica.
-[Joel] Boy, the Mayor's approval rating

just plunged like 20 points.

-[Servo] Yeah.
-[Crow] Whoa.

What was that all about?

[Servo] You know, it's tough,
we used to be roommates.

It's a long story.

Well, leave him alone. I need him.

So do I.

Now tell me why you sent for me.

Your friend here said something
about a killing.

[Crow] Who needs me?

Who needs Wormy?

We have to talk shop here?

[Joel] Old Western art of the Old West.

Come on into my dressing room.

[Joel] And I don't like him.

[Crow] That's a line that Miss Kitty
and Matthew never crossed.

Jake was right.

A killing.

Now, kiss me, Cane.

[Servo] By Cole Porter.

Make it like old times.

[Servo] Well, you mean,
like after the football game

out by the dumpster...?

[Servo muffled speech]

[Crow] You got a wood tick there,
let me get a match.

Who do I kill? The brave captain?

[Servo] Is he getting shorter?

Jake, this man has
no romance in his soul.

Maybe you kill nobody.

I didn't come up here
just to make it like old times.

-[Joel] Whoa.
-And I get paid in advance.

Jake, get 3,000 out of the office safe.

Take your time doing that.

[Crow] If looks could kill you,
you'd be so almost dead.

[door slams]

That's better.

No point in my having to trust you

when I can worry about nicer things.

What things, Cane?

[Servo] Raindrops on roses,
whiskers on kittens.

...who do I kill and when?

The local law.

[Joel] Oh, get a room... Oh, they did.

[Crow] Hmm, chocolaty.

Why wait 'til Saturday?

On Saturday, the mayor gets a letter
from the railroad board of directors,

letting the town know
if the new tracks come through here.

[Servo] Is that a euphemism?

If they do, I clean up.

-[Servo] I think that's a euphemism.
-Maybe you won't have to kill Mrs. Hood.

If they don't, I'll have to grab
all the money I can and clear out fast.

There'll be killings.

[Crow] This is more
than I want to know.

I want the marshal
to be the first to die.

[Joel] Oh, yeah, give me
more exposition.

...if you like.

Thanks for the bonus.

So much for business.

Let's get down to pleasure.

[Crow] Some bonus.

[Servo] Well, got down to pleasure.
Quite pleasurable.

Remember me?

[Joel] You were
on Carter Country , weren't you?

Cane Miro.

Wanted in three states
and five territories

for murder, bank robbery, stage robbery,

train robbery and sundry assault.

[Servo] Neat.

Take a look at your ledger.
See if I'm wanted in this state.

I haven't checked lately.

[Crow] My computer is down.

[clacking]

You ought to keep these clean.

No, you're not wanted here.

If you were, I'd find a place for you

with the other characters I met this week.

-[Joel] Here, wipe your nose.
-...my husband on Boot Hill.

-Boot Hill?
-[Crow] So, you're single?

Where everyone
sleeps together like kinfolk.

[Joel] Not my kinfolk.

...difference between 'em.

Well, the bandits
usually get there first.

Everyone gets there sooner or later.

I'm not worried.

[Servo] Anyway, the good
die first, you know.

I'm going to get there
in the next five minutes.

What's your business in Oracle?

[Joel] Herbal Life.

It's honest. It's also private.

Heh. Well, that's no answer.

I intend to keep it that way.

[Crow] Not exactly
a Howard Hawks film, is it?

How long's it going to
take you to finish it up?

Oh, about five weeks.

Make it five days?

[Joel] What are they negotiating,
when he's going to kill her?

I might be able to finish in five days,

but that also gives me five nights.

What do you do nights, Miss Marshal?

[Crow] Oh, I run
like a crazed weasel. You?

Oh, I keep an eye
on suspicious characters.

-I'm a suspicious character.
-[Joel mockingly laughs]

I think I'll assign Joshua to you.
He takes care of drunks,

mad dogs, and smart saddle tramps.

-[Crow] And Englishmen.
-[But] I'm a celebrity.

You ought to give me
your personal attention.

[Servo] I was up
for a CableACE Award.

I just hope I don't have to, Mr. Miro.

[Joel] Well, I'm going to shut down
the sexual bantering

for the night.

[Servo] Oh, boy!

[Joel] Oh, Beverly!

[Crow] Is this is a video diary?

[Servo] Looks like a Kubrick film.

[Joel] I don't know, it doesn't
seem like a Tuesday.

[Servo] Oh, back to Monday, May 31st.

...ninety, ninety-five, fifteen thousand.

Well, it's all there.

[Crow] Enjoy your timeshare.

I'll mail you your first monthly payment

after you get to Santa Fe.

[Joel] You know, back then,
money was a lot of money.

Huh, now that the deal is closed,

I don't mind telling you
that I got the best of the bargain.

A widened freight line
won't do you much good

when the railroad comes,
and if it doesn't,

this town will have the business
of a steamboat in Death Valley.

[Joel] Ha, I'm funny.

Have you ever met a woman
with a head for business?

[chuckling] Afraid not.

Well, neither have I, Mister Taft.

Have a nice trip.

I'll be riding the high road.

[Servo] William Howard Taft,
ladies and gentlemen.

[Crow whistles]

Nice of him to tell us
he's takin' the high road, huh?

[Servo with feminine voice]
It's a figure of speech, Wormy.

I wish I could send Cane on this.

He won't take any of these puny jobs.

Besides, why pay for something
I'll do for free?

[Crow] Wormy, that's an old cedar.

If you ever get caught,
they'll come after me.

That's why I try to keep you
from sin, little man.

-Did you marry the ketchup bottles?
-[slams wooden post]

Cane Miro's mighty handy
with the women, isn't he?

[Servo in feminine voice] Mighty.

You don't love him.
You still love me, don't you, Erica?

I still love you, Jake.

Now you'd better hurry
if you want to catch Tab

on the high road.

I need that 15,000
to buy the Canby Judd place.

I'll hurry. I'll fly!

[Servo with nasally voice]
She thinks I'm cute!

[Joel] Oh, man,
that American hotel

puts on a great buffet on roadies.

Back in, Herman.
You're becoming a real habit.

[Crow with old man voice]
Yeah, don't fool with me, I'm a wizard.

There goes that outlander, Cane Miro.

I don't like him.
He's bound to be trouble.

[Servo] He pushed me down.

[Joel] Yeah, yeah, I got to pick up
a thing of wax worms.

I don't think he'll give us
any trouble, Josh.

[Crow mumbling] Josh.

That's what Fremont said
about Stonewall Jackson.

-[Servo] Walked right into that.
-I think you're right.

I know I'm right.

Maybe I'd better find out
what his business is right now.

You be careful, Miss Rose.

He won't even know I'm following him.

[Joel] Hey, she's following me.

[Crow with feminine voice] Oh, shoot.

[Servo] It's going to be a bad day.
We're even out of TP.

[Joel] A strange feller.

[Servo] Well, one more trip
to the buffet.

[Crow] Cute outdoor cafe.

[Joel] Yeah, she needs
operatives, all right.

[Crow] What the--?
How'd he get there?

[Servo] Wait a minute.

[Servo scoffs]

[Crow] Do I order
from you, ma'am? Uh, ma-- Oh.

[Joel] That's two guys
in a horse costume.

[bots laugh]

[Crow] Doesn't 'marshal'
have two Ls in it?

-[Servo] Well, it's either.
-[Crow] Oh.

[Crow] Well, it should have
two Ls, it looks better.

[Servo whispers] It's either.

[Servo] ♪ Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore
Riding through the night ♪

♪ Dum, dum dum, dum, dum, dum ♪

[Joel] Hey, cameraman,
crank a little faster.

[Crow giggles]

[Servo] She does like me. Heh.

[Crow makes siren noise]

[Joel] Oh boy, I hope there's
no black ice on their route.

[Crow] Well, I think I'll stop
by the tennis court

on the way home.

[Joel] ♪ Marvel the Mustang
She's almost for real ♪

[Crow] He likes to get
way out of town to pee.

[Servo] What do you--
It's Jack Nicholson's place.

[Joel] Hey, you forgot
your Snack Pack.

You knew I was
following you all the time.

[Crow] So did everyone else
in the county.

Now that you caught me,
what do you want?

[Joel] You're it.

Well, that's a very good question.

Why don't you get down,
take a load off your horse?

[Crow] Oh, and what's
that supposed to mean?

How's your business coming along?

[Joel] Recession hit me
like everyone else.

What were you seeing
Canby Judd about?

Something that's still private.

You don't have many answers
to my questions, do you?

You don't ask the right questions.

[Servo] Oh, boy,
they're bantering again.

[Joel] Excuse me.

When... When you were
in Tombstone, did you...

[Crow] Eat much pizza?

...did you ever run across Sam Bass?

Sure. Sam and me are old friends.

We used to work together.

Well, he's a lawman now.

As a matter of fact,

he'll be here Saturday
to take over my job.

Morning, noon, or night?

[chuckling]
What difference does that make?

[Joel] Hey, this is moving
too fast for me.

Some, I guess.

-[Servo with high-pitched voice] Hi.
-So, ol' Sam's crossed over, huh?

[Crow] Wearin' dresses and stuff.

Well, he'll come back. We all do.

I spent a couple of months
playing sheriff myself.

How'd you make out?

Plenty of action but the pay was lousy.

[chuckling]

Then why is it all the worst gunslingers

take up law work?

Look at Wyatt Earp,
Bat Masterson, King Fisher.

[Joel] Yeah, good shows.

Each one of them
is a coldblooded killer.

You answered that yourself.

For me, crime is just a way to get rich.

Those other fellows like to kill,

and there's more chance when it's legal,

like a license for murder.

[Servo] That is so true!

Why don't you apply for one?

[Joel] No, I don't have
very good references.

I'll make you a deal.

I won't try to make you a bad woman

if you stop trying
to make me a good man.

[Servo] It's a country song, isn't it?

You're not bad...

[Crow] You're just drawn that way.

...you're just no good.

[Joel] Is that bad?

If I'm no good, I might as well
take advantage of it.

[Servo] Sorry, my wooden hip.

-No thanks.
-[Joel] I don't think out, soul brother.

[Servo] Maybe just a little.

-[Joel] Does this mean that they--?
-[Servo moaning]

[Joel] Because they were going to--?
And then they--?

[Servo as horse] Oh, pull my back.
Oh, pull my back.

[Crow] Hi, Wormy.

Didn't I leave you back
at the Red Dog?

Erica sent me after you.

She thinks she shortchanged you.

Shortchanged? By how much?

Just this.

-[Servo] Oh, thanks.
-[Crow] Ooh.

[Servo] Come on, honey, you're not
the Sheriff of the world.

Instead of doing my job, I'm out here

disgracing Scott's memory
and it's all your fault.

Nothing we both do is all my fault.

[Joel] Tracy and Hepburn
riding the range.

Wow, this is great,
kind of got a Pony Express,

kind of Gypsy Express thing.

Whoa! Stand back, the bullion,

you may be interfering
with this daring horseback rider

of the Pony Express,

carrying mail from
the Satellite of Love to the...

-Whoa, girl. Satellite of Love.

-Whoa, girl.
-Make haste, man! Be gone, off with you!

-[Servo] Godspeed!
-[Crow] Oh, Concord!

[Crow] Owie, owie.
Owie, owie. Owie, owie.

There goes a brave seller
and his brave horse.

Oh, by the way, Joel,

I am sending you
a very important message.

-OK.
-[Crow] Owie, owie. Owie, owie...

I just hope to God
it gets to you in time.

Servo, I'm standing
right here, what is the point?

-That is, Joel. Just play along!
-[Crow] Owie, owie. Owie, owie...

[Crow] Whoa, Gypsy,
watch out for that--

[crash]

Ow.

So, what did you write to me
in that letter?

Oh, that I wanted a peanut
butter and dijonaisse sandwich

and a Snapple for lunch.

-[Gypsy neighing]
-[Crow] Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, girl.

Oh, Crow, you are a lot heavier
than you appear to be.

You are Joel Robinstone?

That's Joel Robinson, yes.
And this is for me, I am mad.

-OK, let's see here.
-[Servo] Give me a little kiss here.

-Uh, "Dear Joel..."
-[Crow] Easy, girl.

"Dear Joel, how are you?
I'm fine, I want a something something

and a Snapple for lunch.

Yours very truly, Servo."

OK, I'm going to have
to respond to this.

Peanut butter and dijonaisse sandwich,
Joel, it's very simple.

Yeah, could you turn around?
Let me just write this down.

"OK, Dear Servo, I'm in receipt

"of your correspondence
regarding lunch

"and I regret to inform you
that I cannot read

"the two words you wrote between
'I want a' and 'a Snapple.'

"Please respond at your convenience
or before lunch.

Regards, Joel."

Peanut butter
and dijonaisse sandwich.

-It's not that difficult.
-Oh, for Christ's sake.

This is going to take forever.
I'm so hungry.

-[Gypsy neighing]
-[Crow] Whoa! Whoa!

Well, you know,
those kids don't even know

that the shortest distance
between two points

-is a straight line.
-[Crow] Owie, owie. Owie, owie...

What could be taking them so long?

-[Gypsy neighing]
-[Crow] Whoa! Whoa!

-[alarm buzzing]
-[Servo] Whoa, we got movie time!

[Joel] That's a lot of sandwich.

[Servo] Sir, you can't park here.

Zebelon Tabb.

Third businessman
to leave Oracle this week.

[Joel] Huh.

[Servo] Hey, how did I end up
back at--? Oh, Poopy.

[Crow] Oh, now we're back
to June 1st.

[Servo] Pa, Pa, I'm seeing
some trouble in town.

[piano music playing within]

[Crow] Jack Ruby on piano.

Hold it. That was lousy.

You've gotta get more leg into it.

Oh, why bother? We've gotta be
out of town by tomorrow night.

Forget it. Go take a bath.

You too. Work up a quick head.

[Joel] All right, I'll go change
into my leotard.

Gotta talk to you.

-Did you get the money?
-Yeah, yeah. Every penny.

Hand it over.

-What's the matter?
-[Crow] I killed a guy and I wet him.

Something went wrong.

No, no. I didn't have time
to get rid of the body.

Where is it?

Cane Miro and the lady marshal have it.

[Erica] What?

They're bringin' it into town.

Cane and Rose?

[Jake] That's right.

[Servo in feminine voice]
So crazy, it just might work.

Cane and Rose.

[Joel] This fall on NBC,
Cane and Rose...

[Servo] Oh, neat!
Dark specter in basic black.

[woman] Rose,
I've got to talk to you.

[Joel] It's about your yard,
the junk cars, the garbage... Oh.

[knocking on door]

[Joel] Ah. Just about to give
myself a sponge bath.

[Crow] But-- Doors don't open
like that, there's an--

-He's in the hall.
-[Servo laughs]

You crazy, coming up here?

[Joel] In my hallway.

[Servo] Well, I'll just talk to you
about it later then.

Miro aims to kill Gideon.

I know that, honey.

-Where is your husband?
-Erica Page hid him out in the woods.

[Crow] He might
get ticks or something.

Erica's a busy girl.

[Joel] What, with her volunteer
work and everything.

Just what is it that Cane
has got against the mayor?

I don't know.

The one story he's never told me.

Now I wish he had.

Well, one thing's sure.

He's got to be back in town
by Saturday to read that letter.

Yeah, he's afraid of that, too.

Afraid the town'll dry up
and blow out from under him.

[Servo] Like me.

Erica Page is no welfare worker.

Why's she taking such an interest?

[Crow] Hey, she's the first woman
with her own eyebrows.

Land scheme. Legal, of course.
Gideon does everything legal.

Have they been involved
with Canby Judd?

I believe so.

I know Mr. Judd is thinking
of leaving Oracle.

Where has Erica hidden your husband?

He's at the old Wilson place
in Greasewood Canyon.

[all three] Ew!

Could you go out and see him?

I'll go first thing in the morning.

Oh, I'd appreciate that.

The sooner he knows
you're looking after him, the better.

[Joel] Hey, chocolate gorilla foot.

[Crow] Huh, what do you know.

I'd go tonight, but there's something
I've got to attend to first.

Thanks very much, Rose. I...

I can't tell you
how much this means to me.

And to think we laughed
at the notion of you wearin' Scott's star.

[Joel laughs]

[Crow] Hey, a simple
handshake will do.

[Joel] I think she touched
my handles.

[Servo] Meanwhile,
back at the love shack.

[Crow] What time is it?

You're getting careless.

[Joel] Yeah, sorry, I've been
on the trail a long time.

Not as careless as your
little halfwit killer, Jake.

I recognize your subtle touch.

You don't miss much, do you?

You wanna watch yourself, though.

Rose says there's been other
similar incidents around here.

[Servo] I hate it when
there are similar incidents.

What was that for?

So, you admit being with her
this afternoon?

-Sure, why not?
-[Joel with dopey voice] Oh, it's fun.

-I've made up my mind.
-[Crow] I'm going to be an upholsterer.

I want her dead tomorrow.

I told you, no changes.

[Servo] Now, get out of my hall.

Maybe I won't need you at all.

[Joel] Wait a minute, she's in
my room now. Where do I go?

Waiting in ambush?

[Crow] No, I'm wearing ambush.

I don't think I have to do that.

Are the girls ready to leave?

You said Friday.
This is only Tuesday night.

Just a reminder.

Well, thank you.

Now that I've been reminded,
may I go on to the Red Dog?

You may go to the red devil,
as far as I'm concerned.

With Red Buttons to watch Red Dwarf.

[Crow] Oh, and this town
ain't big enough for the...

Oh, you know the rest.

[Servo] Well, I feel good
after damning someone to hell.

I'm going to rustle me up
some Hormel Chili.

Say, Deputy, you shoulda seen
what I said to that Erica girl.

[knocking on door]

-Come in.
-[Joel] Or out.

[door opens]

[Crow] Why is all your stuff
in the hallway?

-Are you alone?
-Almost never, it looks like.

-[Servo] And this is hallway here.
-Come on in.

People'll think you're
collecting for the poor.

In a way I guess I am.

[Joel] It's a walkathon.
You want to sponsor me?

Sit down.

Picture of yourself?

Yeah, an old one.

[Servo] Reason I have
my pants off is...

This Rebel officer, isn't it...?

Captain Gideon Polk.

[Joel] Oh, the Bible guy?

-His wife says you want to kill him.
-[Servo] No, no, kiss him.

I've been looking for him
since 1865 to kill him.

-[Joel] A hundred years?
-Why?

Because he lost us the war.

Oh, Cane, don't be ridiculous.

As far as I'm concerned, he did.

He killed my four brothers.

-[Crow] And my forefathers.
-What?

Oh, he didn't murder them outright.

He just fed them to the Yankees.

[Joel] With a choice
of salad, soup, or juice.

What happened?

Like the man says, it's a long story.

[Crow] Do you have any sisters?

I've got nothing to do.

Are you familiar with
the Battle of Lookout Mountain?

[Servo] That's one
of my favorite battles.

Only what I learned in school.

-[Joel] Oh, boy.
-[Crow] Here we go.

My brothers and I
were in an artillery battery

commanded by Captain Polk.

Lookout Mountain was where
we had the Yankees under siege.

[Joel] With Steven Seagal.

They had to get us off those ridges

but they couldn't.

-But they did.
-[Servo] But they couldn't.

Our position was impregnable.

[Crow] You can't say that.

The only weak line
was at the foot of the ridge.

[Joel] Sing out, brother.

Polk's battery was
in a beautiful position halfway down.

[Joel] Righteous.

The Yankees charged.

Grant ordered them to take
only the trench

-at the edge of the ridge.
-[Joel] Testify.

We had 'em cold and we cut 'em down,

but they massed again

and came out again over their own dead.

[Joel] Take it home.

A shell exploded inside
the body of a Yankee officer

right in front of us.

[Servo with feminine voice]
I had to ask.

Polk saw it and ran.

At the height of our victory, he ran.

My brothers and a few of us
stuck with our guns

but the fever caught,
and the whole center broke.

It was the end of the battle

and it meant...the end of the war.

[Servo] I'm just hitting
the highlights here.

My brothers were killed
and I was captured.

-[Servo] Bummer.
-[Crow] Live and learn.

I don't quite understand.

-[Joel] Who won?
-It's very simple.

If we hadn't lost Lookout Mountain,

there would've been an armistice.

The Confederacy would still be alive.

And the Vikings would have
finally captured

a Super Bowl title.

One man, one stinking coward.

[Servo] You're not
buying this, are you?

I'm sorry.

[Joel] Well, at least
you had brothers.

Guess I was beginning
to live it all over again.

-Don't apologize.
-[Joel] I'm sorry.

I know how you feel about it.

[Crow] Do you have
any snacks or anything?

But you're wrong. You're dead wrong.

You can't blame the loss of a war

on one low-ranking officer.

[Joel] I can't?

You weren't there.

That doesn't make any difference.

Don't you think the remembrance of this

has made him pay for it
over and over again?

A million men died for nothing.

Only one bore a green beret.

But as I said before,
they all die sooner or later.

[Crow] When did he say that?

And sooner or later, everyone runs...

[Joel] Especially Wilma Rudolph.

-[Servo] Mmm.
-...at least once.

Forget it.

[Servo] Well, our hour's almost up here.

Did you want to schedule next week?

You'll leave him alone?

-Sure.
-[Joel] I'm not that mad.

[Servo] Easiest vendetta in the West.

[Joel] Now, she's in my room again.

What am I gonna do?

Hold it. Who is it?

Beauregard and Sapp.

[Servo] They're cops.

Sorry, Rose.

I'm gettin' a little jumpy.

-[Servo] Which one's Beauregard?
-Felicity send you?

How about some Crystal Light,
just made a batch.

She told me you were here.
I just came to tell you you were safe.

You mean, Cane Miro's gone?

Well, no, he's not gone,
but I gave him until Saturday

to finish his business and ride.

Oh, so that's what Erica meant.

-[Crow] They're stuck in a subplot.
-Erica?

Yeah, she said he'd be gone

after that railroad letter arrived.

What's Erica got to do with Cane?

She didn't say,

but it can't be for a date
for Sunday school.

[Servo] Mmm, I have to go over here
and think about this.

This one is deep.

Everything seems to add up to Saturday...

Railroad letter, Sam Bass,
my ultimatum to Cane...

-[Joel] The fishing opener.
-And now Erica.

Well, if she's not careful,

she's gonna connive herself
right into one of my cells.

[Servo] Careful, that's
the main beam there.

Well, I just want to be sure
you're comfortable.

Have you got everything you need?

Eh, I could use a few troops of cavalry.

-[Crow] Ha, I don't get it.
-For now, Josh and I will have to do.

I'll tell Felicity that you're here.

Are you sure he can't find me here?

[Rose] He'd never find you
in a million years.

[Joel] Apparently they haven't
invented peripheral vision.

Well, goodbye, Rose.

I'll see you on Saturday.

Come on, boy.

[Servo] Guests of Beverly Garland
stay as the Beverly Garland Hotel.

[Joel] I like that sheriff, I do.

[Servo] ♪ Don't sleep in the subway ♪

Oh, hi.

Where did you just come from?

If I wanted to kill Polk,

I wouldn't be out here
waiting to talk to you about it.

Don't try and paint yourself white.

I'm not.

I'm the same man
that's wanted in three states

and five territories, remember?

[Crow] And I'm not allowed
in the Sizzler.

Tell me, am I wanted around here?

[Joel] Don't start.

Not yet.

I've only got three more days, huh?

So have I.

What do you mean by that?

Until Sam Bass comes to take over.

Ah.

[Joel] Man, look what's coming
out of your horse.

Look, let's go back to town together.

Welcome, Rice Lake Key Club.
Music by Tangent.

See you around.

Later. I have some special business.

What kind of business?

I told you before, it's private.

But I tell you what,

meet me just outside of town
where the road forks

and I'll tell you all about it.

That a promise?

Make it tomorrow night at eight o'clock.

[Crow] Hi. Can I hear this?

Why not today?

I'm busy. Tomorrow at eight.

[Servo] Are you picking me up?
What should I wear?

Joshua, climb to your horse.

Hurry up.

-What's goin' on?
-Quick! We haven't a minute to lose.

[Joel] OK, give me a minute.
I just woke up.

[♪♪♪]

[Crow] So she followed him
and he followed her,

and now she's following him following her?

-[Joel] Uh, yeah.
-[Crow shudders]

[Joel] Looks like the terror
of tiny town got bigger.

[Servo] Call the office and tell them

to fax a pair of handcuffs to us.

[Servo mocking
the film's dramatic music theme]

[Crow] Careful, traffic
from left does not stop.

[Joel] What you thinking about?

[Servo] Easy Snap Ranch,
ready to assemble.

On your horse, Mayor!

What is it?

Cane Miro.

-[Joel] Oh, Poopy.
-Hurry up.

-[Crow groans]
-Faster!

[Crow] Don't watch.
I can't do it when you're watching.

Come on, come on! Let's go.

[Joel] I'm doing it!

Come on, boy.

[Servo] What was that thing there?

[Crow] Whatever it is,
it wasn't invented yet.

[Servo] Mm-hmm.

[♪♪♪]

[Joel] Ah, this Greasewood Canyon's
real pretty.

I was picturing a lot of grease and stuff.

No grease at all...

-...just like anywhere else.
-[Servo] Clean.

[Crow] He was hiding out
at Wall Drug.

[Joel] Pretty nice. Like the cedar.

Oh! Done a lot of work here,
added a sunroom back here.

[Crow] I can't wear black.

[Joel] Oh, what a mess,
there's garbage everywhere.

[Servo as horse]
Need any help, boss?

[Crow] "Dear Steve,
stopped by, you weren't here,

"borrowed some pants and a blouse,

"hope you don't mind.

Keith."

All right, Herman, back to sleep.

[Servo] Sheriff took me walking today.

[Crow] Attica. Attica.

-[Crow] Oh, forget it.
-What'd he do?

-How's it going?
-[Joel] Calling it "Leaves of Grass".

Well, it's not Windsor Castle,
but if it'll keep a killer in,

it can keep a killer out.

[Servo] Well, he could shoot you.

[Crow] Well, I hope
this isn't a conjugal visit.

-Hello, Felicity.
-Gideon!

[Joel] Ooh, this is better
than FantaSuites.

I'm gonna take the cure.

[Crow] What, Rogaine?

[♪♪♪]

[Joel] Man, this week
has really dragged on.

[Servo] Oh, I just couldn't.
With the drunk looking right at us.

-[Servo] Honey...
-I wish Rose would get back.

I don't like it when she's away.

Don't worry, Mayor Polk.
I'll talk care of you.

Where are your cannons, Captain?

That's far enough, mister.
You get out of here.

I'll get out of here when I'm ready.

Look out, Captain. Yankees comin'.

I said out.

[Crow] All right, I was just leaving.

[Servo] Ow.

[Servo] I like Wade,
he's just not of dancer.

[Joel] Man, this movie
is just sitting on my head

and crushing it.

[Crow] Ooh, right in
my vast doughy midsection.

[all whooping like monkeys]

[Servo] Not exactly the riot at Alcatraz.

[men grunting]

[Joel] Whoa, watch
the bumper pool table! Oh...

[Crow] Well...

[Servo] Well...?

[Crow] Whoa, there goes
the facade. Almost.

[Joel] Close.

[Joel] And now it's a hat
made out of an udder.

-[Servo] Wilton Palmeter.
-What happened here?

He tried to kill me.

I wouldn't spit on him.

Joshua saved my life.

[Servo] We will return
to Non-Sequitur Theater.

Alright, clear out.
We'll worry about this later.

I'll see you later.

I'll think about it.

[Crow] We're still on
for 8:00 though, aren't we?

[Joel] Good one, Brad.

I'm all right, Miss Rose.

Next time, Joshua,
if you have to, use a gun.

I didn't give him a chance
to try anything.

[Servo] I'm not that kind of girl.

I'm going over to Red Dog.

[Joel] They're hiring dancers.

[Servo] You big galoot.

Sally upstairs?

-She's tripping.
-That's a switch.

Well, I'm going to pay
you girls off today

so you can get an early start tomorrow.

I sure hate to go.

I hate to lose you.

[Crow] It's been so fun
with you and everybody.

...rough time finding three more girls.

Poor Erica.

Why don't you get out of those pants

-and find yourself a man?
-[Servo] Woof.

I'm wearing these pants
because I lost a man,

a better man than ever
slipped you a dollar.

[Joel] Ouch.

There's no law against tipping.

Sundown tomorrow?

They're leaving in the morning.

I just wanted to make sure
everything was clear.

-[Servo] Well...
-Bye, girls.

[Servo, Joel and Crow]
Bye.

What's she got against us anyway?

She thinks you violated
the sanitary code.

[Servo] That's my job.

I could kill that woman.

Why, Tessie, that's against the law.

[Crow] I still want to.

'Course, it could be
a coincidental accident.

With dear Rose gone,

you'd have no reason to leave town.

[Joel] She's paying them
in television warranties.

Girls, you've been so good for business

I'm going to give you
a little going-away bonus.

Wampum bucks.

[Servo] Hey...

[Joel] Well, I'll see if I can
borrow a dollar from Ed.

-Hello, there.
-[Servo] I thought you were Dale.

What are you doing up there?

On the lookout for gorgeous marshals.

[Crow mocks laughter]

You didn't need to
scare me half to death.

Come on up.

Don't be silly.

You wanna learn my business, don't ya?

[Crow] You did your business up there?

I almost didn't come at all.

I almost didn't expect you.

But now that you're here,
if you want to find out anything,

you'll have to come up in this tree.

[Joel] I made
a really cool fort up here.

-Twelve-year-old!
-I spent that much time in prison.

-All right, little boy, I'll come up.
-[Servo groans]

[Servo] Gee, you're not
as small as you look.

[panting]

[Crow] You can make me feel
young again.

All right, start talking.

[Servo babbling]

Look, you can see the Big Dipper.

[Joel] Hey, it's daytime.

[Crow] He's not talking about the stars.

[Joel] I don't know.

-Well, come down from the stars.
-[Servo] OK.

I want to know exactly
what you're after here.

Very little.

[Servo] Just this.

[Servo vocalizing eating]

I know all about that.

[Joel] We had a class in fifth grade.

I mean, other things.

What other things?

-Oh...
-[Crow] Tasty Freeze.

...things about Oracle.

Nice place.

[Joel] Hear they got
a meat packing plant there.

You tried to kill Polk today.

-I love you.
-I'm glad you didn't get to him.

I'd have had to kill you.

[Crow] Now he's the sensitive
coldblooded killer.

But you didn't.

I love you.

[Servo] Hmph.

I thought that's what you said.

I'm glad you're here.

[Servo] So how's this going to effect
his contract to kill her, I wonder?

[Joel] Tastiest sheriff
in the Old West.

I wish that...

-What?
-[Crow] You were somebody else.

[sighs] I have to throw you out and I...

[Joel] Motel matches.

...I wish I didn't have to.

No one's making you do anything.

I won't change my mind...

[Servo] Well, maybe I will.
No, no I won't.

...but I can make-believe a little.

Sure you can. We both can.

[Crow] Let's make-believe
I have talent.

Did you tell anyone I ordered you
out of town by Saturday?

Not a soul.

Well, pretend I'm taking it all back.

You stay here forever and I'll...

[Servo] Aw, forget it.

You didn't tell anyone?

That's what I said.

Except Erica.

Erica, last of all.

[Servo] No, she was
the last person I didn't tell.

You're lying to me.

I wouldn't lie to you.

She knows. She told Polk.

-[Crow] OK, I would lie to you.
-So she knows.

-We're making believe, aren't we?
-That isn't why you lied.

How does Erica fit into your plans?

[Joel] What is this?
Come on, let's love!

Is she in this tree?

I don't know.

Is she?

Don't be a fool.

[Servo speaks French]

[Servo] What's that, baby?

It means, may I borrow your bicycle?

I can't trust you.

I know you can't.

I'd laugh at anyone that did...

[Joel] Ha ha.

...but I swear to you
I was telling God's truth

when I said I loved you.

Maybe you were, Cane.

Maybe it's a two-way thing.

[Crow] With a center passing lane.

-But there's one thing I mustn't forget...
-[Joel] Jello.

...and that's that we're
sworn enemies, you and I.

All the moonlight in heaven
can't change that.

[Servo] Oh yeah, that's right.

[Crow] It's too late
to create conflict.

-[Servo] Mm-hmm.
-Goodnight, Cane.

[Joel] She is one spooky chick.

[Joel] My enemies don't realize

that I'm very vulnerable right now.

[Joel] What is the crew
doing in this shot?

[Crow] In this movie,
you can just pick any object

and hide behind it.

Let go of me!

[Servo] All right, what are these?

[Joel] Looks like they've
all been to Fleet Farm.

[Rose] What are you doing?

[Servo] This is for taking my lip liner.

[Crow] She's been attacked
by Babes in Toyland.

-[Servo] And the grunge look here.
-[Crow] Oh, yes.

[Joel] You're going to watch us dance
if it's the last thing you do.

[Servo] Oh, come on,
you know I don't wear necklaces.

Stop it! Let go!

-Stop!
-[Joel] This isn't funny!

[♪♪♪]

Don't let 'em get away!

[gunshot]

Don't bother going back to town.

I want you out of this state tonight.

-What about our clothes?
-Now!

If you ever come back to Oracle again,

I'll kill all three of you.

[Crow] I'm just so upset right now.

Move!

[Joel] This bites. Let's go, Gretel.

-[Crow] Told you it wouldn't work.
-[Servo] It wasn't my idea, Cindy.

My new shirt.

[hoofbeats departing]

[Crow] She didn't even cry
when her husband died.

[Servo] Ah! Ow! Ow!

[Joel] The British were coming!
The British were coming!

[Servo] Little man, my man.

[Crow] And action.

What's the matter? You goin' home?

That was a smart stunt
you tried to pull last night.

What are you talking about?

You think you can get away
with sicking your floozies on Rose?

[Servo] I thought I might.

How did you know about that?

I saw the whole thing.
They tried to hang her.

Where?

Three miles out, just off the main road.

What were you doing there?

That's none of your business.

That woman's my target tomorrow,

and you're my hired help.

Everything you and she do
in this town is my business.

Don't flatter yourself.

I'll see you in your room tonight.

[Crow] It's a hallway,
and don't you forget it!

[Servo] What it is, little Wormy guy.

[Servo with nasally voice]
I never liked him.

[♪♪♪]

-[Crow] Mmm, pure maple syrup.
-Well, tomorrow's the big day.

-[Servo] Yeah. Who the hell are you?
-Yeah, big day.

[Joel] Right in the crotch,
I did it again. Ooh.

[Servo] The man
who shot Vivian Valance.

[Joel] His hands are glowing.

[♪♪♪]

[Crow] Booze, it's what's for dinner.

[Servo] The perdiest marshal
of the Old West.

Why don't you do your
drinking in your room, Cane?

-[Servo] It's a hall.
-Am I disturbing the peace?

I do disturb the peace
sometimes, you know.

-I was thinking of you.
-[Servo humming somber theme]

Well, don't be sorry, beautiful.

Tonight's the last night for you and me.

In the morning, we'll both be done.

Go away.

There are better ways to say goodbye.

Are there?

[Crow] Are you saying
what I think you're saying?

Find the one that feels good.

No?

[Joel] Ouch, there I go again.

Get out of here and leave me alone.

I don't want to see you or touch you

or ever remember that I knew you.

[Servo continues humming
somber theme]

You don't mean that.

More than anything I ever
meant in my life, I mean that.

[Crow] Except there was something
I said a while back

that I meant more than that.

[Servo continues humming
somber theme]

[Joel] Hey, the Angel of Death's
stopping by for a drink.

[Crow] Well, that's nice.

[Joel] Darn zipper, stuck again.

[Servo] Everything I need to know
I learn from booze.

-[knocking on door]
-[Servo] Come out.

[Joel gulps]

[Crow] Uh. Right in the middle of dinner.

[Joel imitating drunk]
Uh... OK.

Who wants to come
into the hallway now?

-You drunk.
-[slurs] Come on in, Erica.

You and I are on the same side.

What are you talking about?

[Servo] We're humans, come here.

Who cares what I'm talking about?

I should keep you drunk all the time.

[Crow] I am.
We are. Or something.

[Servo] Sneak, sneak,
sneak, sneak, squeak.

[Joel] Oh... Mmm.

You got brown eyes.

[Servo] Uh, you got a neck.

I come here to battle with you,

and you start talking
about the color of my eyes.

[Servo] You got, uh,
large pores on your nose.

Oh, and a wood tick. Mmm.

You're a darn fool.

That's what I am.

I'm a lovin' fool.

Lovin' fool.

[Joel] You taste
like Annie Greensprings.

And you'll never stop?

Who wants to sober up?

[Servo imitating drunk] Booze has
knighted me the king of the lovers.

You're mean when you're sober.

I'm not mean.

I love everybody,
and especially I love Erica.

[Servo] Hey, guys,
look at little theory to put forth

about how he got around in
the back of the building there

and came around on the horse and...

But Tom, that doesn't explain

how John Ireland could go
into the attorney's office

and suddenly appear
on his horse in the street?

Look, Joel, it's really just
a broadened interpretation

of quantum linear super positional.

Super behud-- Huh?

They simply observe
the apparent relative state

of John Ireland in one place,
while in actuality

he coexisted
in the objective vector state.

-You see?
-I have a theory.

That town is a bunch of false fronts

and he ran over there real fast.

All right, I'm with him.

Guys, why is it so hard
to accept the fact

that time is not an immutable
forward progression,

but a factor in a space time model

of relativistic causality
and determinism, huh?

Guys? Hello?

Geez, like a couple of cattle, these two.

OK. [clears throat]

Here, I'm going to demonstrate, OK?

Watch me closely.

Alleoop!

Hey, wait, where did he go?

-I don't know. He just--
-I'm over here, guys.

-Aaghh!
-I hate when you do that.

But, Servo, that's fantastic,
that's amazing.

It's physics, Joel, plain and simple.

You just exist in one
observable region in space,

and then zip, you simply realign
your point of origin, you see?

He does this to me at night.

Scared the hell out of me.

It's easy, guys.
A trained chimp could do it.

Come on, Joel, try it. It's fun.

OK, I'm going to excite myself

-in a position of undetermined...
-Oh, boy.

origin and region.

-And zock!
-[Servo] No, no, no.

-It didn't really work.
-Well, I'm not doing it.

Doing it makes you chubby
and stupid like Tom.

-Say it to my face.
-Joel, help me.

Hey, you know, I can work
space and time this way? What?

-Oh, Tom, I don't think that...
-[Servo grunts]

But that still doesn't explain
how John Ireland is able to go

into the attorney's office
and end up on his horse on this...

-[scoffs] What the...?
-[Servo laughs]

See what I mean?

Hey, my sandwich is whole again.

-[Crow] Cool.
-[Servo] Yeah.

We-- We'll be right back.

No, no, no, no.

They'll be right back,
we'll be right here.

Honey, don't.

-You mean that, Cane?
-[Crow] Whoa.

'Course I mean it. I said it, didn't I?

And to think I was worried
about poor little Rose.

[Servo] Magnuson,
puts her into the boards.

Sorry.

I have to tell you this...

[Servo] I'm Pops Staples.

...there's been a change in plans.

[Crow] I'm going blonde.

With the mayor locked up in jail,

we'll have to get the letter
from the Express rider

before he gets to town.

Do you understand?

[Servo imitating drunk]
You got brown eyes.

I understand.

Then I'll meet you
at Immigrant Gap at 6:30.

[Joel imitating drunk] There are
six immigrants at the Gap. Got it.

...Immigrant Gap at 6:30.

[Crow] Booze. Write that down.

[Joel] Look, a sale at Hurrah.

[Crow] It's Buddy Love.

[Joel] Well, better do
next week's schedule.

[all three] Boo!

There! You got what you asked for!

Don't go lying like that again
about how you love me.

[gasping]

[Servo stammers] I lurve you.

I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna kill you
but I'm gonna use Cane Miro to do it.

All I have to do is pay him,

and he'll follow you
to the end of the world.

You won't do that.

[Crow] Missus, lady, don't, no.

Jake, you're a dead little man.

Now get out before I kill you myself.

[Servo] OK, what time
do you want me in tomorrow?

[Crow] This is like
Silverado, only better.

[Joel] Yeah, a lot better.

[Servo] Joel, I hate my paws so bad.

[Crow] Huh? Oh, sale at Hurrah.

Don't shoot me!

[Servo] Oh, no, I'm the comic relief.
Don't shoot.

What do you mean by
bursting in here like that?

You'd better go after Cane Miro.

Cane? What for?

He's gonna shoot you.

[Crow] Over my dead body.

How do you know that?

Erica Page hired him to do it.

I seen her pay him $3,000 to kill you

if the railroad don't come through Oracle.

The railroad?

They're just waiting for you
to read that letter, Mayor.

-I'd better go after him.
-No. No. You can't.

You can't arrest a man
on Jake's hearsay.

You'd better do it!

I emphatically agree.

We just have to wait
until he does something.

By then, it may be too late.

So Erica paid him.

She's probably behind
Scott's killing too.

Sure she is,
and she's in love with Cane Miro

and him with her too.

[Joel] Can I hit you,
Wormy, just once?

Go on, Jake.

You mean, you're gonna let him be?

[Servo] Speaking words of wisdom?

Yeah, that's right.
Goodnight, little man.

Don't call me that! Erica called me that.

I don't like it!

-[Crow] Touched a nerve.
-I don't like it!

[Joel] We are kind of little.

You're making a big mistake, Rose.

[Servo] Stay in school.

You ought to move in tonight.

On what evidence?
Jake's testimony?

Any cheap lawyer would prove
him mentally incompetent

in three minutes.

[Joel] Hey, they haven't
invented that yet.

No, we--we just have to wait it out.

[Crow] ♪ Why am I such a misfit? ♪

Evening, Jake.

[Servo] I'm a pixie!

Don't say hi. Come on.

[Servo] Oh, for crying out loud,
he's upset.

Little, what's got into you?
Little, honey?

[♪♪♪]

-[Servo] There, you see.
-[Joel and Crow] Hey!

He did it again.

[Joel] So they're just incorporating
the fact that they're just close friends.

[all] He's everywhere.
He's everywhere.

[Joel] Little, honey,
did I say something?

[Crow] I don't think Little Man
is cut out for a rampage.

[♪♪♪]

[Servo] Oh, wait,
the little man. Ow, owie! Ow.

[Joel] Now, what were
you so mad about?

[Crow] Should I taunt him?
Nah, he's dead.

[Servo] Oh, oh.
Hi, just cleaning up down here.

Look what I found. Does he belong to you?

[Joel] Oh, good,
you killed Little Man.

[Crow] Am I in time for happy hour?

I could really go
for some mozzarella sticks.

[Servo] Uh, you're standing
on his head, dear.

[Crow] Ew.

How'd it happen?

Jake tried to kill him.

It was self-defense.

And thus the first L.A. cop was born.

That right?

You might call it that.

[Joel] She's quiet today.

[Servo] Oh goodness, yes.

I always come here on Saturday

because they have that
really nice breakfast burrito.

You know, you take eggs and...

What time is it?

It's still 7:15,
like the last time you asked me.

Take it easy, Gideon.

Did you see Cane Miro this morning?

Not yet.

[Crow] You're hard to talk to.

You feel up to meeting the mail at eight?

[Joel] No, but thanks for asking.

It's my duty.

I failed it once.

I won't again.

[Servo] Ah, you probably will,
but let's go.

Wait until he gets here.

No sense muffing this
with a miss at long range.

You didn't pay for this. It's your shot.

[Crow] Hey, she got
her horse reupholstered.

-Hi, folks!
-[Servo] Hey, guard.

What brings you way out here so early?

Have you got the railroad letter?

Right here, safe and sound.

That's nice to know.

Hand it over.

[Servo] You gotta sign for it.

[Joel] There's postage due
on that letter, ma'am.

[Crow] Which one of you
gets the Starlog?

Now get out of here.

[Joel] You're welcome.

[Servo] Oh, there's a switch.
Someone's shooting a postal worker.

[Joel] Mom wants to stay with us,
so see for yourself.

Not coming.

[Joel] Yeah, but Peg
sends her regards.

They're going to build
the line through Rockdale.

-That's a shame.
-Is that all you can say?

-It's a darn shame.
-[Servo] That's better.

You ready to help me knock over the town?

I've got two bullets,

one for Rose, and one for Captain Polk.

[Crow] Hey, she's littering.
There's a fine for that.

Nine o'clock.

It's never been this late before.

Something's happened to him.

Think I'd better ride out and meet him.

No, you'd better stay here.

You go on, Rose.

Gideon and I can take care of ourselves.

[Joel] Speak for yourself, honey.

[Servo] Dun-dun-dun! Oh!

♪ Oklahoma, where the w-- ♪

-Oh, forget it.
-Move away, folks.

Might be some shootin' around here.

Nobody on the street except
Fred, Mayor Polk, and me.

[Joel] Well, that's pretty much
the whole town, pretty much.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

[Servo] ♪ Who'll catch McCain
He's got.-- ♪

-[Servo] Oh, never mind.
-[dog barking]

[dramatic trumpet flourish]

[Servo imitating trumpet flourish]

[Crow] Tell Sergeant O'Rourke
it's the Harkawis.

[Joel] Well, look, they have
a Fotomat over there.

[Crow] Yeah.
And it's saying, "Oh, no!"

[Joel and Servo chuckle]

[Servo] Army man.

-Joshua!
-[Joel] Light show.

Looks like he means to hold us up.

You'll have to get him.

You'll have to pay for it.

I gave you 3,000 to take care
of the law in Oracle.

He's part of it.

So you did.

I should've listened to the fine print.

Take the other side of the road.

That's far enough!

[Joel] Guess not.

They shot Joshua!

[Servo] ♪ They didn't shoot the sheriff
But they did shoot the deputy ♪

Haven't even got a gun
to protect myself with.

[Crow as Star Trek's Scottie]
I'm losing power, Captain.

I'll find you one.

[Joel] And put on another pair
of pants, for God's sakes.

Where are you going?

After something to shoot with.

You better stay here.

That won't do you any good.

Gideon asked for a gun
and I aim to find one for him.

[Crow] But there's
a ten-day waiting period.

I'm afraid it's too late.

[Servo] Hey, could you tell us
where the Red Dog Saloon is?

-Where's the marshal?
-She rode out of town.

What's the matter?

Thought I saw an old friend.

[Joel] Oops, got to pee.

You haven't got time for the mayor.

I've waited 15 years.

This is as good a time
as any to settle it.

[Servo whispers]
Plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop.

He's after you!

Get out of sight!

[Crow] Whoa, guess
he's not the hero anymore.

Felicity!

[Servo] There's a beef roast in the...
[groaning]

-[Crow] Yes, where?
-Don't be afraid for me.

Just get yourself away from here.

[Joel] Retire to Florida.

You don't have to be brave
just for some no-account killer.

[Crow] Got you out
the school marm. Sorry.

[Servo] You were supposed
to get me a gun.

Oh, great. What's next?

Uh. Oh.

[Joel] Dri-- I mean, wait a sec.

[Crow] Could we maybe settle this
with a game of Scrabble?

[Joel] American Gothic; solo.

[Crow] ♪ Da-ner-da-ner-ner!
Got chores! ♪

[Servo] ♪ Da-doot-da-doot-doot!
The hell? ♪

[Joel] I'm sorry, you look too stupid.

I can't shoot you.

[Crow] Bad idea. Fork thing didn't work.

[Servo] Oh, hi, honey.
Gee, I've had a very productive day.

Alright, you've taken care
of your personal pleasures.

Rose will be here any minute.

It's your show.

-[Servo] Hi.
-Ride to the alley by your hotel and wait.

I'll be in the Land Office
across the street.

[Crow] Who's this guy?

You drag these bodies up
to the street by the alley.

When Rose gets here, keep her talking.

If you give us away, I'll kill you.

Anything you say.

Get moving!

-You plan fast.
-I always have.

I'll signal you when to take her.

[Joel] You seem
really crabby today.

[Crow] Oh, you leave town
and your work piles up.

[Joel] Yeah, I don't like being
the sheriff anymore.

[Crow] Should be two Ls.

[Joel] Well, one's OK.

[Servo] Oh, hi, everyone's dead.

They got the mayor, and his wife too.

Killers rode out of town.

-[Crow] Nooner, come on.
-[Servo whispers] No, not now.

Did you see who they were?

No, I didn't get a good look.

[Crow] Nooner, you know...

[Servo whispers]
No. What do you mean?

Are you sure it wasn't
Cane Miro and Erica?

Oh, I'm positive it wasn't.

-[Crow] Come on.
-[Servo whispers] There's no time.

[Crow] Guess
there's no nooner then.

It's all right.

That's why I couldn't talk.

-Who am I after?
-Cane Miro.

Thanks.

[Joel] Remind me to kill you later.

[♪♪♪]

[Servo] Robby, Steve,
Donny, Uncle Charlie...

[Joel] Hey, there's
Jeep tracks on that hill.

[Crow] Yeah, I thought so.

[Servo] This film
makes Dirty Dingus Magee

look like a John Ford film.

[Crow laughs] I can't...

[Crow] The 12 days and the Baja 500.

-[Joel] Are they circling each other?
-[Servo] I think so.

[Servo] Now he's in Ireland.
What's going on?

[Crow] From Vermont to New Mexico.

[Joel] Power-assisted antilock hoofs.

[Crow] Well, I'll just
follow these Jeep tracks.

[Servo] Guys, that's a baobab tree.

Now they're in the Serengeti.

[Joel] Man, I wish there was
a Pump 'n' Lunch around here.

[Crow] Tonight, on a very special
Guns of Will Sonnett...

[Servo with old man voice]
Son? Dagnabbit.

[gun cocks]

[Servo] Ha! I like how the horse is
so affected by the gunfire.

Nice day for shooting rabbits.

[Crow] Actually it's better
when it's a little overcast.

That any way to talk to an old friend?

Don't be a fool, Cane.

I'm out here to kill you.

I wouldn't do that to you.

I know you've been missing on purpose,

but it won't do you any good.

[Joel] You know, they should start
dating other people.

-[Servo] Mm-hmm.
-[Crow] Yep, or shooting 'em.

You haven't been doing so well yourself.

[Servo] I think maybe they should read
You Just Don't Understand.

[Crow] Back in those days, when
you had relationship problems,

you really had relationship problems.

[Servo] That hurts.

Rose?

Yes?

In case I don't see you again,

there's something I'd like to ask you.

What is it?

Do you...?

[Joel] What's Fred MacMurray like?

Is it a two-way thing?

[Joel] He just popped that
out of his shoulder.

It's a two-way thing.

[Servo] Oh, I guess
it's kind of one-way now.

[Crow] This is kind of like
Ride the High Country,

except it's not very cool.

[Joel] You shoot like a girl.

Rose?

[Servo] Hey, you don't have eight
or nine pounds of plasma

on you, do you?

Rose?

[Crow] Come on, pick up.
I know you're there.

-[Joel] Oh, right in the hat.
-[Servo] Ouch.

[Servo] Uh, now I'm going
to have to make new friends.

[Crow] She'll have to start
a new town now.

[Servo laughs] Yeah.

[Joel] What did you mean
by that two-way thing?

[Servo] God, the paperwork!

[Crow] Well, now she's
the sheriff of herself.

[Joel] Yeah, well, at least
the horses are cheap now.

You found him.

[Servo] Well, we canceled Crazy Days.

Yeah. Here.

[Crow] Look, before we say anything else,
are you setting me up here?

By the twisted tree near Boot Hill.

[Joel] Oh, I love that place.

Jimmy, I'm leaving Oracle.
I don't want to see this place again.

When the new marshal gets here...

give him this.

[Servo] You don't need a marshal.
There's no people.

My things are packed.
They're in the marshal's office.

-[Joel] Give him all my bras too.
-Send 'em to Santa Fe for me?

Be glad to, Mrs. Hood.

-Thanks.
-[Crow] By the way, who are you?

[Servo] And don't set up
the new marshal.

[Servo in feminine voice]
Well, goodbye, everybody.

[Crow] We're all dead.

[Servo] Oh, that's right.

[Servo making hoofbeat noises]

[Joel] Hi, I'm here to kill you.

'Scuse me, ma'am.
My name is Sam Bass.

Can you tell me where I might
find the marshal's office?

It's right down there.

-[Crow] Third body on the left.
-Thanks, ma'am.

Looks like a nice,
quiet little town you've got here.

[Servo] Dead quiet.

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

[Joel] Except for all the bodies.

[♪♪♪]

[Servo] ♪ All that glitters is gold ♪

[Servo humming]

[Servo] Hey, lady, you forget
to tell me where the--

Oh, my God!

[Servo screams]

-[Joel laughs]
-[Crow] Oh, my.

[Joel] Oh, boy!
That was turd, wasn't it?

You know, Roger Corman can make
almost anything seem dismal,

but still, the 1870s
had to be a pretty foul decade, eh?

Well, I barely remember the 1870s,

but I was around for the 1970s,

and you're right,
it was a pretty foul decade.

Cool. Well, did you wear chaps
and cowboy hats and stuff?

Uh, no, but I knew people who did.

Were the James gang still around?

Oh, no, Joel Walsh broke up
and started Barnstorm.

Oh, hey, did you ever rope cattle
or bust broncos and stuff?

No, but I rolled
my Charger a few times.

[bots] Wow.

Well, let's read some letters, huh?
Where are they?

Uh... Yeah, they're down there.

-Oh.
-Yup, fresh, crispy letters.

Hey, they are fresh and crispy. Ew!

-Yeah, we deep fried 'em.
-Why?

Uh, I'm not sure I understand
the question, Joel.

Uh, never mind, let's just
blot out some of this grease,

break off some of this admittedly
delicious looking crust--

Ooh, caution, filling is hot.

-[Crow] Yup. Be careful.
-OK...

And about how many weeks' worth
of letters did you fry anyway?

Well, like four mail bags full,
whatever that is.

Yup. We had a lot of frying medium
and a lot of letters.

Well, honeys, don't deep fry
any more letters, OK?

-Yeah, OK.
-Yeah, OK.

OK, this letter is from France.

-French.
-Ooh la la.

And put that on still storage French.

And that's from Mike Murph,
Amy, Dan, Nancy, Jeff and Marie.

And they write, "Dear fellows,
our club is made up of members

from Nice, Monaco, and Menton.

And we meet regularly
to scarf down Mexican food

and watch the latest 10 tapes

sent over by our supplier
in Southern California."

[Servo] Wink, wink.

"So far, our club
is exclusively American,

as the British folks
we've tried to recruit

just haven't gotten
all really excited.

But hey, what can
you expect from the people

who gave us Benny Hill?"

Hey, they gave us Monty Python too.

[all] Yeah.

But, there is that Benny Hill thing.

Yup. There it sits.

Well, what do you think, sirs?

[Crow humming "Benny Hill Theme"]

-[Servo] Don't!
-[Crow] Blah.

[gasps]

Wow, it worked.

I blew Frank's head up.

Well, remind me
to snap on a new one, Joel.

Until next time...

[eerie music playing]

[theme music playing]

Don't bother going back to town!

I want you out of this state tonight!

What about our clothes?